1
00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:49,222
In the bleak days of 1983...
2
00:00:49,434 --> 00:00:53,427
...as England languished in the doldrums
of a ruinous monetarist policy...
3
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:57,230
...the good, loyal men
of the Permanent Assurance Company...
4
00:00:57,314 --> 00:01:01,466
...a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times...
5
00:01:01,754 --> 00:01:06,111
...strained under the yoke of their
oppressive, new corporate management.
6
00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:09,391
Terrible. Really terrible.
7
00:01:28,434 --> 00:01:29,469
Row!
8
00:01:55,474 --> 00:01:57,465
That's it, Evans. You're fired.
9
00:01:58,234 --> 00:01:59,713
You heard me. Out.
10
00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:03,384
Did you hear that? He's been sacked.
11
00:02:04,754 --> 00:02:06,187
Sacked?
12
00:02:07,274 --> 00:02:11,472
Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em.
13
00:02:19,114 --> 00:02:20,103
Come on!
14
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,031
Let me out of here!
15
00:03:15,474 --> 00:03:18,193
I demand to see my lawyer!
16
00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,073
Tooley! Come on.
17
00:03:53,674 --> 00:03:55,630
Quiet! Silence!
18
00:03:56,154 --> 00:03:58,110
Now, lads, let's move.
19
00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:01,948
You, you and you, break open the weapons.
20
00:04:02,074 --> 00:04:04,872
You, you and you, into the rigging.
21
00:04:06,034 --> 00:04:09,663
- And you, put the kettle on.
- Aye, sir.
22
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,186
There, there, Charles.
23
00:04:56,514 --> 00:04:57,583
Sorry!
24
00:04:58,314 --> 00:05:00,270
Come on, Tooley. This way!
25
00:05:24,194 --> 00:05:25,866
Weigh the anchor!
26
00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:27,987
Weigh the anchor!
27
00:05:29,314 --> 00:05:30,827
Weigh the anchor.
28
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,232
And so,
the Crimson Permanent Assurance...
29
00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:40,432
...was launched upon the high seas
of international finance.
30
00:06:57,714 --> 00:07:00,512
Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route!
31
00:07:01,914 --> 00:07:04,747
- Cup of tea, dear?
- Hey, captain!
32
00:07:05,314 --> 00:07:07,669
Look! To starboard!
33
00:07:11,594 --> 00:07:14,472
There it lay: The prize they sought.
34
00:07:15,794 --> 00:07:17,546
Hard to starboard!
35
00:07:17,994 --> 00:07:22,146
A financial district swollen
with multinationals, conglomerates...
36
00:07:22,754 --> 00:07:25,905
...and fat, bloated merchant banks.
37
00:07:28,634 --> 00:07:31,831
All right, lads, battle stations!
38
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:35,225
Come on! Move it!
39
00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:02,187
- All right, then. That's enough.
- Take cover.
40
00:08:23,034 --> 00:08:24,911
Down, down!
41
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:02,665
Hard to starboard!
42
00:09:24,634 --> 00:09:26,033
Fire!
43
00:10:32,914 --> 00:10:34,950
Eric! My balance sheets!
44
00:10:37,314 --> 00:10:39,225
Ross! Get the readouts!
45
00:10:46,314 --> 00:10:48,384
- Stop him!
- Eric!
46
00:10:48,874 --> 00:10:50,353
- Thanks!
- Charge!
47
00:11:39,554 --> 00:11:41,829
- No, no! Let me! Let me!
- Okay, Kane.
48
00:11:48,314 --> 00:11:49,303
Captured!
49
00:11:57,034 --> 00:11:58,069
Gotcha!
50
00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:35,549
Take this.
51
00:12:41,274 --> 00:12:43,071
Here. File this.
52
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,389
Shit!
53
00:13:04,314 --> 00:13:07,670
And so, heartened by their initial success...
54
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:12,589
...the desperate and reasonably violent
men of the Permanent Assurance...
55
00:13:13,354 --> 00:13:16,027
...battled on, until...
56
00:13:17,554 --> 00:13:20,626
...as the sun set slowly in the west...
57
00:13:21,354 --> 00:13:25,506
...the outstanding returns on their bold
business venture became apparent.
58
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:30,988
Once-proud financial giants lay in ruins...
59
00:13:33,314 --> 00:13:35,544
...their assets stripped...
60
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:39,906
...their policies in tatters.
61
00:13:52,314 --> 00:13:55,386
Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!
62
00:13:56,074 --> 00:13:58,952
"Up, up, up your premium
63
00:13:59,114 --> 00:14:02,470
"Scribble away and balance the books
64
00:14:02,874 --> 00:14:05,866
"Scribble away, but balance the books
65
00:14:06,474 --> 00:14:09,750
"It's fun to charter an accountant
66
00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:13,304
"And sail the wide accountancy
67
00:14:13,914 --> 00:14:17,873
"To find, explore the funds offshore
68
00:14:17,954 --> 00:14:21,264
"And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy
69
00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:24,905
"It can be manly insurance
70
00:14:25,514 --> 00:14:28,790
"We'll up your premium semiannually
71
00:14:29,274 --> 00:14:33,153
"It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptible
72
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:36,306
"Sailing on the wide accountancy"
73
00:14:38,154 --> 00:14:41,783
And so, they sailed off
into the ledgers of history...
74
00:14:42,554 --> 00:14:45,148
...one by one, the financial capitals
of the world...
75
00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:48,226
...crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.
76
00:14:48,794 --> 00:14:50,432
Or so it would have been...
77
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,904
...if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the world...
78
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:57,543
...had not proved to be disastrously wrong.
79
00:16:23,594 --> 00:16:25,107
- Morning.
- Morning.
80
00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:32,433
- Morning.
- Morning.
81
00:16:41,954 --> 00:16:44,229
- What's new?
- Not much.
82
00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:51,993
- Morning!
- Good morning! Morning!
83
00:16:54,674 --> 00:16:57,142
- Frank was just asking what's new.
- Was he?
84
00:16:57,914 --> 00:16:58,983
Yes.
85
00:17:01,874 --> 00:17:05,105
- Hey, look. Howard's being eaten.
- Is he?
86
00:17:13,314 --> 00:17:15,145
Makes you think, doesn't it?
87
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:17,265
I mean, what's it all about?
88
00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:19,303
Beats me.
89
00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:24,624
"Why are we here, what's life all about?
90
00:17:26,194 --> 00:17:30,506
"Is God really real or is there some doubt?
91
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:36,305
"Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out
92
00:17:36,874 --> 00:17:39,593
"Tonight it's the meaning of life
93
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:45,548
"What's the point of all this hoax?
94
00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:49,073
"Is it the chicken and the egg time?
95
00:17:49,154 --> 00:17:51,349
"Are wejust yolks?
96
00:17:51,754 --> 00:17:56,270
"Or perhaps we'rejust
one of God's littlejokes
97
00:17:57,114 --> 00:18:00,470
"Well, �a, c'est le meaning of life
98
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:06,630
"Is lifejust a game
where we make up the rules
99
00:18:07,034 --> 00:18:10,709
"While we're searching
for something to say
100
00:18:11,994 --> 00:18:16,545
"Or are wejust simply spiraling coils
101
00:18:17,114 --> 00:18:20,663
"Of self-replicating DNA?
102
00:18:22,354 --> 00:18:25,664
"What's life? What is our fate?
103
00:18:27,114 --> 00:18:28,991
"Is there heaven and hell?
104
00:18:29,634 --> 00:18:31,192
"Do we reincarnate?
105
00:18:32,634 --> 00:18:37,230
"Is mankind evolving or is it too late?
106
00:18:37,394 --> 00:18:40,511
"Well, tonight here's the meaning of life
107
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:46,630
"For millions this life is a sad vale of tears
108
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:50,306
"Sitting round with really nothing to say
109
00:18:52,394 --> 00:18:57,388
"While scientists say
we'rejust simply spiraling coils
110
00:18:57,554 --> 00:19:01,149
"Of self-replicating DNA
111
00:19:02,634 --> 00:19:05,706
"Sojust why, why are we here?
112
00:19:07,274 --> 00:19:10,425
"Andjust what, what do we fear?
113
00:19:12,554 --> 00:19:17,503
"Well, ce soir,
for a change it will all be made clear
114
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:21,104
"For this is the meaning of life
115
00:19:21,754 --> 00:19:26,032
''C'est le sens de la vie
This is the meaning of life"
116
00:19:58,874 --> 00:20:00,512
One thousand and eight!
117
00:20:00,674 --> 00:20:02,790
Mrs. Moore's contractions are
more frequent.
118
00:20:02,874 --> 00:20:05,229
Good.
Take her into the fetus-frightening room.
119
00:20:13,594 --> 00:20:14,709
Jolly good.
120
00:20:15,194 --> 00:20:17,583
It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?
121
00:20:18,514 --> 00:20:19,390
Yes.
122
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:22,109
Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse.
123
00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:25,348
The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV.
124
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:28,432
- Certainly.
- And get the machine that goes, "Ping!"
125
00:20:28,674 --> 00:20:32,349
And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.
126
00:20:40,154 --> 00:20:42,145
That's it. Bring it right here.
127
00:20:42,234 --> 00:20:44,384
Behind me. Lovely, lovely.
128
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,554
Jolly good. That's better.
That's much, much better.
129
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:50,228
Yes, more like it.
130
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:52,865
Still something missing, though.
131
00:20:58,514 --> 00:20:59,913
- Patient.
- Yes.
132
00:20:59,994 --> 00:21:01,473
Where's the patient?
133
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,709
Patient!
134
00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:05,704
- Here she is.
- Bring it over here.
135
00:21:06,394 --> 00:21:08,589
- Mind the machine!
- Sorry, doctor.
136
00:21:08,674 --> 00:21:09,743
Come along!
137
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:10,949
Jump on it.
138
00:21:11,074 --> 00:21:14,828
- Hello. Now don't you worry.
- We'll soon have you cured.
139
00:21:15,114 --> 00:21:17,674
Leave it all to us.
You'll never know what hit you.
140
00:21:17,754 --> 00:21:18,982
Good-bye.
141
00:21:19,074 --> 00:21:20,746
- Drips up.
- Injections.
142
00:21:20,914 --> 00:21:24,304
- Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
- Lf I can do the episiotomy.
143
00:21:24,594 --> 00:21:25,629
Legs up.
144
00:21:26,474 --> 00:21:28,510
- Come in.
- Come on in, all of you.
145
00:21:28,594 --> 00:21:30,664
- That's it. Jolly good.
- Come on.
146
00:21:30,954 --> 00:21:32,069
Spread round there.
147
00:21:32,154 --> 00:21:34,065
- Who are you?
- I'm the husband.
148
00:21:34,234 --> 00:21:37,146
I'm sorry,
only people involved are allowed in here.
149
00:21:38,594 --> 00:21:40,073
- What do I do?
- Yes?
150
00:21:40,754 --> 00:21:44,269
- What do I do?
- Nothing, dear. You're not qualified.
151
00:21:44,834 --> 00:21:45,903
Leave it to us.
152
00:21:45,994 --> 00:21:47,313
What's that for?
153
00:21:47,514 --> 00:21:49,664
That's the machine that goes, "Ping!"
154
00:21:50,994 --> 00:21:53,747
You see?
That means your baby is still alive.
155
00:21:54,554 --> 00:21:58,024
And that's the most expensive machine
in the whole hospital.
156
00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:00,907
Yes, it cost over three quarters
of a million pounds.
157
00:22:00,994 --> 00:22:02,347
Aren't you lucky!
158
00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:05,184
The administrator is here, doctor.
159
00:22:05,354 --> 00:22:06,946
Switch everything on.
160
00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:08,662
Morning, gentlemen.
161
00:22:08,754 --> 00:22:10,551
- Morning.
- Morning, gentlemen.
162
00:22:10,634 --> 00:22:12,306
Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
163
00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:14,470
Very impressive.
164
00:22:14,554 --> 00:22:17,466
- And what are you doing this morning?
- It's a birth.
165
00:22:18,154 --> 00:22:19,746
And what sort of thing is that?
166
00:22:19,834 --> 00:22:24,225
That's when we take a new baby
out of a lady's tummy.
167
00:22:24,874 --> 00:22:26,944
Wonderful what we can do nowadays.
168
00:22:27,234 --> 00:22:29,748
I see you have the machine
that goes "Ping!"
169
00:22:29,954 --> 00:22:31,307
This is my favorite.
170
00:22:31,394 --> 00:22:33,862
We lease this back
from the company we sold it to.
171
00:22:33,954 --> 00:22:38,266
That way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.
172
00:22:42,114 --> 00:22:45,709
Thank you, thank you.
We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.
173
00:22:46,714 --> 00:22:49,547
- The vulva's dilating, doctor.
- Yes, there's the head.
174
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:52,387
Yes, four centimeters, five, six centimeters.
175
00:22:52,554 --> 00:22:54,431
- Lights!
- Amplify the ping machine.
176
00:22:54,514 --> 00:22:56,391
- Masks up!
- Suction!
177
00:22:56,554 --> 00:22:58,192
Eyes down for a full house!
178
00:22:58,274 --> 00:22:59,866
Here it comes.
179
00:23:01,914 --> 00:23:03,825
And frighten it.
180
00:23:04,314 --> 00:23:05,383
Thank you.
181
00:23:05,754 --> 00:23:07,551
And the rough towels!
182
00:23:09,114 --> 00:23:10,672
Show it to the mother.
183
00:23:11,034 --> 00:23:12,990
- That's enough.
- Right. Sedate her.
184
00:23:13,074 --> 00:23:16,783
- Number the child.
- Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it.
185
00:23:17,274 --> 00:23:18,673
Okay, show's over.
186
00:23:20,434 --> 00:23:21,867
Is it a boy or a girl?
187
00:23:21,954 --> 00:23:25,663
I think it's a little early
to start imposing roles on it, don't you?
188
00:23:25,754 --> 00:23:26,982
A word of advice.
189
00:23:27,074 --> 00:23:30,953
You may find you suffer for some time
a totally irrational feeling of depression...
190
00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:32,786
...P.N.D., as we doctors call it.
191
00:23:32,874 --> 00:23:34,865
So, it's lots of happy pills for you...
192
00:23:34,954 --> 00:23:37,627
...and you can find out about the birth
when you get home.
193
00:23:37,714 --> 00:23:41,229
It's available on Betamax,
VHS and Super 8.
194
00:24:02,834 --> 00:24:04,665
Bloody hell.
195
00:24:13,234 --> 00:24:16,032
- Get it, would you, Deidre?
- All right, Mum.
196
00:24:25,314 --> 00:24:27,350
- Now whose teatime is it?
- Mine!
197
00:24:28,954 --> 00:24:30,228
Come on. Out you go.
198
00:24:30,314 --> 00:24:34,227
Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine,
Martha, Andrew, Thomas...
199
00:24:34,394 --> 00:24:38,273
...Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael,
Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha...
200
00:24:38,354 --> 00:24:39,867
...it's your bedtime.
201
00:24:40,434 --> 00:24:42,026
Now don't argue!
202
00:24:42,394 --> 00:24:45,147
Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and...
203
00:24:45,274 --> 00:24:49,153
Wait.
I've got something to tell the whole family.
204
00:24:49,834 --> 00:24:52,632
Quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon.
205
00:24:54,114 --> 00:24:56,867
The mill's closed. There's no more work.
206
00:24:57,114 --> 00:24:58,547
We're destitute.
207
00:25:00,354 --> 00:25:01,707
Come in, my little loves.
208
00:25:01,794 --> 00:25:05,389
I've got no option but to sell you all
for scientific experiments.
209
00:25:07,594 --> 00:25:09,869
No, no, that's the way it is, my loves.
210
00:25:10,034 --> 00:25:13,583
Blame the Catholic Church for
not letting me wear a little rubber thing.
211
00:25:13,674 --> 00:25:16,188
They've done some
wonderful things in their time.
212
00:25:16,274 --> 00:25:20,472
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome...
213
00:25:20,554 --> 00:25:24,752
...and the sanctity of the Sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity...
214
00:25:24,834 --> 00:25:28,383
...but if they'd let me wear a little
rubber thing on the end of my cock...
215
00:25:28,474 --> 00:25:30,829
...we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
216
00:25:30,914 --> 00:25:33,508
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
217
00:25:34,834 --> 00:25:38,713
Not if we're going to remain members of
the fastest-growing religion in the world.
218
00:25:38,794 --> 00:25:39,909
He's right.
219
00:25:40,314 --> 00:25:42,305
You see, we believe...
220
00:25:42,914 --> 00:25:44,745
Let me put it like this.
221
00:25:44,994 --> 00:25:47,064
"There are Jews in the world
222
00:25:47,394 --> 00:25:49,112
"There are Buddhists
223
00:25:49,394 --> 00:25:52,784
"There are Hindus and Mormons and then
224
00:25:53,914 --> 00:25:57,270
"There are those that follow Mohammed
225
00:25:57,354 --> 00:26:01,393
"But I've never been one of them
226
00:26:04,194 --> 00:26:06,754
"I'm a Roman Catholic
227
00:26:07,234 --> 00:26:10,226
"And have been since before I was born
228
00:26:10,754 --> 00:26:13,905
"And the one thing they say
about Catholics
229
00:26:14,154 --> 00:26:17,624
"Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm
230
00:26:17,914 --> 00:26:20,872
"You don't have to be a six-footer
231
00:26:21,354 --> 00:26:24,187
"You don't have to have a great brain
232
00:26:25,034 --> 00:26:28,151
"You don't have to have any clothes on
233
00:26:28,314 --> 00:26:32,193
"You're a Catholic the moment Dad came
234
00:26:32,754 --> 00:26:35,029
"Because
235
00:26:35,514 --> 00:26:39,553
"Every sperm is sacred
236
00:26:40,114 --> 00:26:43,584
"Every sperm is great
237
00:26:44,514 --> 00:26:48,348
"If a sperm is wasted
238
00:26:48,714 --> 00:26:51,751
"God gets quite irate
239
00:26:53,194 --> 00:26:56,789
"Every sperm is sacred
240
00:26:57,274 --> 00:27:01,108
"Every sperm is great
241
00:27:01,514 --> 00:27:05,268
"If a sperm is wasted
242
00:27:05,754 --> 00:27:09,349
"God gets quite irate
243
00:27:09,954 --> 00:27:13,913
"Let the heathens spill theirs
244
00:27:14,154 --> 00:27:17,510
"On the dusty ground
245
00:27:18,354 --> 00:27:21,152
"God shall make them pay
246
00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:25,666
"For each sperm that can't be found
247
00:27:26,754 --> 00:27:30,542
"Every sperm is wanted
248
00:27:30,874 --> 00:27:34,469
"Every sperm is good
249
00:27:35,034 --> 00:27:38,868
"Every sperm is needed
250
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:42,828
"In your neighborhood
251
00:27:43,074 --> 00:27:46,350
"Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
252
00:27:46,594 --> 00:27:50,030
"Spill theirs just anywhere
253
00:27:50,554 --> 00:27:53,830
"But God loves those who treat
254
00:27:53,954 --> 00:27:57,867
"Their semen with more care
255
00:27:58,834 --> 00:28:02,383
"Every sperm is sacred
256
00:28:02,754 --> 00:28:05,871
"Every sperm is great
257
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:09,506
"If a sperm is wasted
258
00:28:09,794 --> 00:28:12,991
"God gets quite irate
259
00:28:13,354 --> 00:28:17,063
"Every sperm is sacred
260
00:28:17,234 --> 00:28:20,385
"Every sperm is good
261
00:28:20,994 --> 00:28:24,543
"Every sperm is needed
262
00:28:24,794 --> 00:28:28,230
"In your neighborhood
263
00:28:28,554 --> 00:28:31,944
"Every sperm is useful
264
00:28:32,274 --> 00:28:35,584
"Every sperm is fine
265
00:28:35,874 --> 00:28:39,184
"God needs everybody's
266
00:28:39,514 --> 00:28:40,788
- "Mine
- And mine
267
00:28:40,994 --> 00:28:42,825
"And mine
268
00:28:57,474 --> 00:29:00,989
"Let the pagans spill theirs
269
00:29:01,154 --> 00:29:04,863
"O'er mountain, hill and plain
270
00:29:05,034 --> 00:29:07,594
"God shall strike them down
271
00:29:07,874 --> 00:29:11,753
"For each sperm that's spilt in vain
272
00:29:12,434 --> 00:29:15,824
"Every sperm is sacred
273
00:29:16,114 --> 00:29:19,424
"Every sperm is good
274
00:29:19,794 --> 00:29:23,104
"Every sperm is needed
275
00:29:23,434 --> 00:29:26,585
"In your neighborhood
276
00:29:27,194 --> 00:29:30,266
"Every sperm is sacred
277
00:29:30,594 --> 00:29:33,711
"Every sperm is great
278
00:29:34,194 --> 00:29:37,504
"If a sperm is wasted
279
00:29:37,754 --> 00:29:42,384
"God gets quite irate"
280
00:29:50,634 --> 00:29:52,784
So you see my problem, little ones.
281
00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:54,990
I can't keep you all here any longer.
282
00:29:55,074 --> 00:29:56,348
Speak up!
283
00:29:56,914 --> 00:29:59,144
I can't keep you all here any longer!
284
00:30:00,074 --> 00:30:03,510
God has blessed us so much
I can't afford to feed you anymore.
285
00:30:03,954 --> 00:30:06,184
Couldn't you have your balls cut off?
286
00:30:06,874 --> 00:30:09,752
It's not as simple as that, Nigel.
God knows all.
287
00:30:10,274 --> 00:30:14,825
He'd see through such a cheap trick.
What we do to ourselves, we do to him.
288
00:30:15,274 --> 00:30:18,072
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
289
00:30:19,594 --> 00:30:23,746
No. Children, I know you're trying to help,
but believe me, my mind's made up.
290
00:30:23,834 --> 00:30:26,348
I've given this long and careful thought...
291
00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:30,265
...and it has to be medical experiments
for the lot of you.
292
00:30:30,794 --> 00:30:35,549
"Every sperm is sacred
293
00:30:36,914 --> 00:30:41,351
"Every sperm is great"
294
00:30:42,834 --> 00:30:44,586
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
295
00:30:44,674 --> 00:30:48,986
Filling the bloody world up with people
they can't afford to bloody feed.
296
00:30:49,354 --> 00:30:50,707
What are we, dear?
297
00:30:50,794 --> 00:30:53,103
Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.
298
00:30:53,834 --> 00:30:56,428
Why do they have so many children?
299
00:30:56,514 --> 00:31:00,029
Every time they have sexual intercourse
they have to have a baby.
300
00:31:00,474 --> 00:31:03,432
- But it's the same with us, Harry.
- What do you mean?
301
00:31:03,554 --> 00:31:07,945
I mean we've got two children,
and we've had sexual intercourse twice.
302
00:31:08,274 --> 00:31:11,425
That's not the point.
We could have it any time we wanted.
303
00:31:11,514 --> 00:31:12,310
Really?
304
00:31:12,394 --> 00:31:14,828
Yes. And what's more,
because we don't believe...
305
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:17,826
...in all that papist claptrap,
we can take precautions.
306
00:31:17,914 --> 00:31:19,666
What you mean, lock the door?
307
00:31:19,754 --> 00:31:23,463
No. I mean because we're members
of the Protestant Reformed Church...
308
00:31:23,554 --> 00:31:26,944
...which successfully challenged
the autocratic power of the Papacy...
309
00:31:27,034 --> 00:31:30,788
...in the mid-16th century, we can wear
little rubber devices to prevent issue.
310
00:31:30,874 --> 00:31:31,989
What do you mean?
311
00:31:32,074 --> 00:31:34,747
I could, if I wanted,
have sexual intercourse with you.
312
00:31:34,834 --> 00:31:36,062
Oh, yes, Harry.
313
00:31:36,154 --> 00:31:38,827
And, by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow...
314
00:31:38,914 --> 00:31:42,668
...I could ensure that when I came off,
you would not be impregnated.
315
00:31:43,474 --> 00:31:47,228
That's what being a Protestant's all about.
That's why it's the church for me.
316
00:31:47,314 --> 00:31:50,511
That's why it's the church
for anyone who respects the individual...
317
00:31:50,594 --> 00:31:53,631
...and the individual's right
to decide for him or herself.
318
00:31:53,834 --> 00:31:57,907
When Martin Luther nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517...
319
00:31:57,994 --> 00:32:01,464
...he may not have realized
the full significance of what he was doing...
320
00:32:01,554 --> 00:32:04,193
...but 400 years later, thanks to him...
321
00:32:04,274 --> 00:32:06,993
...I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
322
00:32:07,194 --> 00:32:09,992
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom.
323
00:32:10,074 --> 00:32:12,793
Oh, no!
I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
324
00:32:12,914 --> 00:32:13,505
What?
325
00:32:13,594 --> 00:32:16,586
French Ticklers, black mambos,
crocodile ribs.
326
00:32:16,674 --> 00:32:19,347
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect...
327
00:32:19,434 --> 00:32:22,710
...but also to enhance
the stimulation of sexual congress.
328
00:32:22,794 --> 00:32:23,863
Have you got one?
329
00:32:23,954 --> 00:32:27,424
Have I got one? No, but I can go down
the road anytime I want...
330
00:32:27,714 --> 00:32:31,627
...and walk into Harry's, and hold my head
up high and say, in a loud, steady voice:
331
00:32:31,714 --> 00:32:34,182
"Harry, I want you to sell me a condom.
332
00:32:34,274 --> 00:32:38,108
"In fact, today I think I'll have
a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant."
333
00:32:38,194 --> 00:32:39,070
Why don't you?
334
00:32:39,154 --> 00:32:40,473
But they cannot.
335
00:32:40,594 --> 00:32:43,825
Because their church never made
the leap out of the Middle Ages...
336
00:32:43,914 --> 00:32:46,792
...and the domination of
alien Episcopal supremacy.
337
00:32:47,074 --> 00:32:51,431
But despite the attempts of Protestants
to promote the idea of sex for pleasure...
338
00:32:51,834 --> 00:32:54,473
...children continue to multiply everywhere.
339
00:33:00,914 --> 00:33:05,066
"And spotteth twice
they the camels before the third hour.
340
00:33:06,354 --> 00:33:09,824
"And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead...
341
00:33:10,274 --> 00:33:12,071
"...in Kadesh Bilgemeth...
342
00:33:12,234 --> 00:33:14,065
"...by Shor Ethra Regalion...
343
00:33:14,154 --> 00:33:18,147
"...to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda.
344
00:33:18,434 --> 00:33:21,153
"He who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar...
345
00:33:21,234 --> 00:33:24,192
"...and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon.
346
00:33:24,634 --> 00:33:27,228
"And there, slew they the goats...
347
00:33:27,594 --> 00:33:32,304
"...yea, and placed they the bits
in little pots."
348
00:33:33,914 --> 00:33:35,632
Here endeth the lesson.
349
00:33:35,914 --> 00:33:37,984
Let us praise God.
350
00:33:42,474 --> 00:33:43,748
Oh, Lord.
351
00:33:44,394 --> 00:33:45,668
Oh, Lord.
352
00:33:46,954 --> 00:33:48,990
You are so big.
353
00:33:49,754 --> 00:33:51,904
You are so big.
354
00:33:52,274 --> 00:33:54,993
So absolutely huge.
355
00:33:55,234 --> 00:33:58,465
So absolutely huge.
356
00:33:59,074 --> 00:34:03,545
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.
357
00:34:03,994 --> 00:34:08,510
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.
358
00:34:08,834 --> 00:34:12,986
Forgive us, Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
359
00:34:13,714 --> 00:34:16,308
And barefaced flattery.
360
00:34:16,594 --> 00:34:21,429
But you're so strong,
and, well, just so super.
361
00:34:22,314 --> 00:34:24,032
Fantastic.
362
00:34:24,634 --> 00:34:26,704
- Amen, Reverend.
- Amen.
363
00:34:26,994 --> 00:34:28,985
Now two boys have been found...
364
00:34:29,074 --> 00:34:31,952
...rubbing linseed oil
into the school cormorant.
365
00:34:33,074 --> 00:34:35,952
Some of you may feel
that the cormorant does not play...
366
00:34:36,034 --> 00:34:39,709
...an important part in the life
of the school, but I would remind you...
367
00:34:39,794 --> 00:34:43,628
...that it was presented to us by
the corporation of the town of Sudbury...
368
00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:46,387
...to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember...
369
00:34:46,474 --> 00:34:49,272
...the names of all those from
the Sudbury area...
370
00:34:49,354 --> 00:34:51,663
...who so gallantly gave their lives...
371
00:34:52,114 --> 00:34:54,105
...to keep China British.
372
00:34:54,794 --> 00:34:58,833
So from now on,
the cormorant is strictly out of bounds!
373
00:35:01,234 --> 00:35:05,466
And Jenkins,
apparently your mother died this morning.
374
00:35:05,994 --> 00:35:07,063
Chaplain.
375
00:35:11,434 --> 00:35:14,790
"O Lord, please don't burn us
376
00:35:15,034 --> 00:35:18,231
"Don't grill or toast your flock
377
00:35:18,874 --> 00:35:22,867
"Don't put us on the barbecue
378
00:35:23,354 --> 00:35:26,664
"Or simmer us in stock
379
00:35:27,314 --> 00:35:30,943
"Don't braise or bake or boil us
380
00:35:31,314 --> 00:35:34,784
"Or stir-fry us in a wok
381
00:35:36,074 --> 00:35:39,953
"Oh, please don't lightly poach us
382
00:35:40,114 --> 00:35:43,584
"Or baste us with hot fat
383
00:35:44,314 --> 00:35:48,830
"Don't fricassee or roast us
384
00:35:49,074 --> 00:35:52,066
"Or boil us in a vat
385
00:35:52,794 --> 00:35:57,424
"And please don't stick thy servants, Lord
386
00:35:57,554 --> 00:36:01,263
"In a rotissomat"
387
00:36:06,954 --> 00:36:08,069
He's coming!
388
00:36:15,154 --> 00:36:17,668
All right, settle down, settle down.
389
00:36:19,274 --> 00:36:21,663
Before I begin the lesson,
will those of you...
390
00:36:21,754 --> 00:36:24,791
...playing in the match this afternoon
move your clothes down...
391
00:36:24,874 --> 00:36:27,263
...onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch...
392
00:36:27,354 --> 00:36:30,187
...before you write home,
if you're not getting a haircut...
393
00:36:30,274 --> 00:36:34,233
...unless you have a brother going out
this weekend as the guest of another boy...
394
00:36:34,314 --> 00:36:38,102
...then collect his note before lunch,
put it in your letter after your haircut.
395
00:36:38,194 --> 00:36:41,345
Make sure he moves your clothes
onto the lower peg for you.
396
00:36:41,714 --> 00:36:43,272
- Sir?
- Yes, Wymer?
397
00:36:43,354 --> 00:36:45,788
My brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend...
398
00:36:45,874 --> 00:36:48,229
...but I'm not having my hair cut,
so do I move...
399
00:36:48,314 --> 00:36:51,431
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
400
00:36:51,594 --> 00:36:55,633
If you're not getting your hair cut, you
don't have to move your brother's clothes.
401
00:36:55,714 --> 00:37:00,071
You simply collect his note before lunch,
after you've done your scripture prep...
402
00:37:00,194 --> 00:37:02,833
...when you've written your letter home
before rest...
403
00:37:02,914 --> 00:37:06,031
...move your clothes onto the lower peg,
greet the visitors...
404
00:37:06,114 --> 00:37:09,231
...and report to Mr. Viney
that you've had your chit signed.
405
00:37:10,234 --> 00:37:11,508
Now, sex.
406
00:37:14,514 --> 00:37:17,392
Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
407
00:37:21,634 --> 00:37:25,832
Well, had I got as far as
the penis entering the vagina?
408
00:37:30,314 --> 00:37:32,384
- No, sir.
- No, sir.
409
00:37:33,114 --> 00:37:35,150
Well, had I done foreplay?
410
00:37:37,874 --> 00:37:39,148
Yes, sir.
411
00:37:39,794 --> 00:37:43,753
As we all know all about foreplay,
no doubt you can tell me...
412
00:37:43,874 --> 00:37:46,342
...what the purpose of foreplay is.
413
00:37:47,594 --> 00:37:48,583
Biggs.
414
00:37:52,874 --> 00:37:54,512
Don't know. Sorry, sir.
415
00:37:55,114 --> 00:37:56,103
Carter?
416
00:37:58,874 --> 00:38:01,024
Was it taking your clothes off, sir?
417
00:38:02,074 --> 00:38:03,587
And after that?
418
00:38:04,754 --> 00:38:06,824
Putting them on a lower peg, sir.
419
00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:12,788
The purpose of foreplay is
to cause the vagina to lubricate...
420
00:38:13,114 --> 00:38:16,470
...so that the penis can penetrate
more easily.
421
00:38:17,034 --> 00:38:18,547
Could we open a window, sir?
422
00:38:18,634 --> 00:38:20,192
Yes. Harris, will you?
423
00:38:20,274 --> 00:38:24,904
And, of course, to cause the man's penis
to erect and harden.
424
00:38:27,154 --> 00:38:31,511
Now, did I do vaginal juices last week?
425
00:38:31,594 --> 00:38:33,789
Pay attention, Wadsworth!
I know it's Friday.
426
00:38:33,874 --> 00:38:35,102
Watching the football?
427
00:38:35,194 --> 00:38:37,788
Boy, move over there. I'm warning you.
428
00:38:38,634 --> 00:38:41,273
I may decide to set an exam this term.
429
00:38:41,914 --> 00:38:43,393
- Oh, sir!
- Sir!
430
00:38:43,514 --> 00:38:45,425
So just listen.
431
00:38:47,594 --> 00:38:52,588
Now did I or did I not do vaginal juices?
432
00:38:54,234 --> 00:38:55,462
Yes, sir.
433
00:38:55,554 --> 00:38:58,546
Name two ways
of getting them flowing, Watson.
434
00:39:00,314 --> 00:39:02,032
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
435
00:39:05,914 --> 00:39:07,825
What's wrong with a kiss, boy?
436
00:39:08,954 --> 00:39:11,468
Why not start her off with a nice kiss?
437
00:39:12,154 --> 00:39:15,624
You don't have to leap
straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.
438
00:39:15,714 --> 00:39:17,511
Give her a kiss, boy.
439
00:39:19,154 --> 00:39:22,146
- Suck the nipple, sir?
- Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
440
00:39:22,314 --> 00:39:25,351
- Stroking the thighs, sir?
- Yes, yes. I suppose so.
441
00:39:25,514 --> 00:39:27,630
- Biting the neck.
- Yes, good.
442
00:39:27,754 --> 00:39:31,110
Nibbling the ear lobe, kneading
the buttocks, and so on and so forth.
443
00:39:31,194 --> 00:39:34,425
So we have all these
possibilities before we...
444
00:39:34,514 --> 00:39:37,506
...stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
445
00:39:37,994 --> 00:39:39,586
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
446
00:39:39,754 --> 00:39:45,067
Now, all these forms of stimulation
can now take place.
447
00:39:53,834 --> 00:39:56,348
Of course,
tonguing will give you the best idea...
448
00:39:56,434 --> 00:39:59,392
...of how the juices are coming along.
449
00:39:59,954 --> 00:40:00,989
Helen?
450
00:40:01,114 --> 00:40:04,390
Now, penetration and coitus,
that is to say, intercourse...
451
00:40:04,474 --> 00:40:07,352
...up to and including orgasm.
452
00:40:08,554 --> 00:40:09,669
Hello, dear.
453
00:40:10,514 --> 00:40:13,233
Do stand up when my wife
enters the room, Carter.
454
00:40:13,314 --> 00:40:14,463
Sorry, sir.
455
00:40:14,794 --> 00:40:19,072
Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. I told
the Garfields we'd dine with them tonight.
456
00:40:19,154 --> 00:40:22,430
- Yes, well, I suppose we must.
- I said we'd be there by 8:00.
457
00:40:22,514 --> 00:40:25,312
It'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.
458
00:40:25,394 --> 00:40:28,466
I know you don't like them,
but couldn't make another excuse.
459
00:40:28,554 --> 00:40:30,226
It's just that I felt...
460
00:40:30,714 --> 00:40:31,863
Wymer!
461
00:40:32,914 --> 00:40:35,792
This is for your benefit.
Would you kindly wake up?
462
00:40:36,354 --> 00:40:39,152
I've no intention
of going through this all again.
463
00:40:49,634 --> 00:40:52,387
We'll take the foreplay as read,
if you don't mind, dear.
464
00:40:52,474 --> 00:40:53,543
No, of course not.
465
00:40:53,634 --> 00:40:58,389
So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife...
466
00:40:58,514 --> 00:41:00,152
...in the standard way.
467
00:41:00,234 --> 00:41:04,193
The penis is now, as you will observe,
more or less fully erect.
468
00:41:04,954 --> 00:41:07,149
There we are. That's better.
469
00:41:07,394 --> 00:41:08,543
Now, Carter.
470
00:41:09,834 --> 00:41:11,392
- Yes, sir?
- What is it?
471
00:41:13,394 --> 00:41:15,783
- It's an ocarina, sir.
- Bring it up here.
472
00:41:17,234 --> 00:41:21,068
The man now starts making
thrusting movements with his pelvic area...
473
00:41:21,154 --> 00:41:24,112
...moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.
474
00:41:24,234 --> 00:41:26,794
Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table.
475
00:41:27,834 --> 00:41:30,473
While the wife maximizes
her clitoral stimulation...
476
00:41:30,554 --> 00:41:33,273
...by the shaft of the penis
by pushing forward.
477
00:41:33,474 --> 00:41:34,702
Thank you, dear.
478
00:41:34,794 --> 00:41:37,228
Now, as the sexual excitement mounts...
479
00:41:37,314 --> 00:41:38,793
What's funny, Biggs?
480
00:41:39,874 --> 00:41:40,829
Nothing, sir.
481
00:41:40,914 --> 00:41:43,553
Do, please,
share your little joke with the rest of us.
482
00:41:43,634 --> 00:41:46,068
Obviously something
frightfully funny is going on.
483
00:41:46,154 --> 00:41:47,303
No, honestly, sir.
484
00:41:47,394 --> 00:41:50,989
Well, as it's so funny,
I think you'd better be selected to play...
485
00:41:51,154 --> 00:41:55,227
...for the boys' team in the rugby match
against the masters this afternoon.
486
00:41:55,394 --> 00:41:56,793
Oh, no, sir!
487
00:42:16,274 --> 00:42:18,265
Well played, well played.
488
00:43:48,114 --> 00:43:51,470
Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.
489
00:43:51,554 --> 00:43:53,670
Hordern, Spadger and I'll go
for the gun post.
490
00:43:53,754 --> 00:43:55,904
Hang on. You'll never make it.
Let us come.
491
00:43:55,994 --> 00:43:57,063
Do as you're told.
492
00:43:57,154 --> 00:43:59,304
Right, Skipper. Oh, sir?
493
00:43:59,674 --> 00:44:02,586
If we don't meet again, sir...
494
00:44:02,914 --> 00:44:07,066
...I'd just like to say it's been
a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
495
00:44:07,154 --> 00:44:10,590
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a good-bye speech.
496
00:44:10,674 --> 00:44:14,952
Me and the lads realize that, sir,
but, well, we may never meet again, so...
497
00:44:15,154 --> 00:44:16,951
All right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.
498
00:44:17,034 --> 00:44:18,672
No, just a moment, sir.
499
00:44:18,834 --> 00:44:21,143
Me and the lads,
we've had a little whip around.
500
00:44:21,234 --> 00:44:24,271
We've bought you something.
We bought you this.
501
00:44:26,714 --> 00:44:28,864
I don't know what to say.
502
00:44:29,594 --> 00:44:32,711
It's a lovely thought. Thank you.
Thank you all.
503
00:44:33,034 --> 00:44:35,309
But I think we'd better get to cover...
504
00:44:36,794 --> 00:44:39,786
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
505
00:44:40,754 --> 00:44:43,746
Sorry it's another clock,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.
506
00:44:43,834 --> 00:44:45,790
Walters thought he was buyin' a present...
507
00:44:45,874 --> 00:44:48,752
...and Spadger and I
had already got the other one.
508
00:44:48,914 --> 00:44:51,872
Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful.
509
00:44:53,634 --> 00:44:56,910
We'd better get to cover now.
I'll thank you properly later on.
510
00:44:56,994 --> 00:44:58,825
Corporal Sturridge got this for you.
511
00:44:58,914 --> 00:45:01,508
He didn't know about the others.
It's Swiss.
512
00:45:01,794 --> 00:45:04,786
Now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge.
Good man.
513
00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:08,907
There's a card, sir, from all of us.
Sorry about the blood, sir.
514
00:45:10,234 --> 00:45:11,508
Thank you all.
515
00:45:11,594 --> 00:45:14,154
Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs.
516
00:45:20,754 --> 00:45:21,823
I'll be all right.
517
00:45:21,914 --> 00:45:25,350
There's just one other thing, sir.
Spadger, give him the check.
518
00:45:25,794 --> 00:45:27,671
This is really going too far.
519
00:45:28,114 --> 00:45:31,504
I don't seem to be able to find it, sir.
It'll be in No. 4 trench.
520
00:45:31,594 --> 00:45:33,664
For Christ's sake, forget it, man.
521
00:45:34,954 --> 00:45:37,024
You shouldn't have said that, sir.
522
00:45:37,834 --> 00:45:39,426
You've hurt his feelings now.
523
00:45:39,514 --> 00:45:43,029
Don't mind me, Spadge.
Toffs are all the same.
524
00:45:43,394 --> 00:45:48,422
One minute, it's all please and thank you.
The next, they'll kick you in the teeth.
525
00:45:48,714 --> 00:45:51,672
- Let's not give him the cake.
- I don't want any cake.
526
00:45:51,754 --> 00:45:54,666
Look. Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.
527
00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:56,790
He saved his rations for six weeks, sir.
528
00:45:56,874 --> 00:45:59,752
- I don't mean to be ungrateful.
- I'll be all right...
529
00:46:00,794 --> 00:46:02,466
Blackie! Blackie!
530
00:46:02,834 --> 00:46:06,349
Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.
531
00:46:06,434 --> 00:46:08,664
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move...
532
00:46:08,754 --> 00:46:12,633
...but Blackitt'd be slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and the almonds.
533
00:46:12,714 --> 00:46:16,309
I mean, you try getting butter to melt
at 15 degrees below zero.
534
00:46:16,594 --> 00:46:21,543
There's love in that cake.
This man's love and this man's care...
535
00:46:23,634 --> 00:46:26,785
- Oh, my Christ!
- You bastard.
536
00:46:27,874 --> 00:46:30,183
All right, we will eat the cake.
537
00:46:30,674 --> 00:46:33,711
They're right.
It's too good a cake not to eat.
538
00:46:33,994 --> 00:46:37,031
- Get the plates and knives, Walters.
- Yes, sir. How many?
539
00:46:37,114 --> 00:46:38,103
Six.
540
00:46:39,754 --> 00:46:41,233
Better make it five.
541
00:46:41,314 --> 00:46:44,067
- Tablecloth, sir?
- Yes, get the tablecloth.
542
00:46:46,074 --> 00:46:47,951
No, no, I'll get the tablecloth.
543
00:46:48,034 --> 00:46:50,548
You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern.
544
00:46:51,074 --> 00:46:52,746
- And the little lamp, sir?
- Yes.
545
00:46:53,154 --> 00:46:55,384
While you're at it, you'd better get a doily.
546
00:46:55,474 --> 00:46:57,590
I'll bring two in case one gets crumpled.
547
00:46:57,674 --> 00:46:58,789
Okay!
548
00:47:02,474 --> 00:47:05,546
But, of course, warfare isn't all fun.
Right. Stop that.
549
00:47:05,634 --> 00:47:09,149
It's all very well to laugh at the military,
but when one considers...
550
00:47:09,234 --> 00:47:13,113
...the meaning of life, it's a struggle
between alternative viewpoints of life.
551
00:47:13,194 --> 00:47:15,833
Without the ability to defend
one's own viewpoint...
552
00:47:15,914 --> 00:47:18,348
...against other
more aggressive ideologies...
553
00:47:18,434 --> 00:47:21,983
...then reasonableness and
moderation could quite simply disappear.
554
00:47:22,754 --> 00:47:25,188
That is why we'll always need an army.
555
00:47:25,314 --> 00:47:28,192
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
556
00:47:32,194 --> 00:47:34,150
Don't stand there gawping...
557
00:47:34,234 --> 00:47:36,794
...like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
558
00:47:36,874 --> 00:47:40,833
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.
559
00:47:41,274 --> 00:47:44,630
That is, unless any of you've got
anything better to do.
560
00:47:45,674 --> 00:47:46,789
Well?
561
00:47:47,914 --> 00:47:50,508
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing...
562
00:47:50,594 --> 00:47:53,711
...than marchin' up and down the square?
563
00:47:55,714 --> 00:47:57,944
Yes! Atkinson.
564
00:48:00,314 --> 00:48:04,592
What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?
565
00:48:05,034 --> 00:48:08,788
To be quite honest, Sarge,
I'd rather be home with the wife and kids.
566
00:48:10,354 --> 00:48:11,833
Would you now?
567
00:48:12,554 --> 00:48:13,669
Yes, Sarge.
568
00:48:14,314 --> 00:48:15,747
Right. Off you go.
569
00:48:15,954 --> 00:48:17,023
Now.
570
00:48:17,754 --> 00:48:20,268
Everybody else happy with my little plan...
571
00:48:20,634 --> 00:48:23,194
...of marching up and down
the square a bit?
572
00:48:23,274 --> 00:48:24,548
- Sarge?
- Yes?
573
00:48:24,754 --> 00:48:28,588
- I've got a book I'd quite like to read.
- Go read your book then. Now!
574
00:48:29,834 --> 00:48:33,509
Everybody else quite content to join in...
575
00:48:34,154 --> 00:48:39,433
...with my little scheme
of marchin' up and down the square?
576
00:48:40,154 --> 00:48:41,189
Sarge?
577
00:48:41,754 --> 00:48:43,710
Yes, Wyclif, what is it?
578
00:48:43,874 --> 00:48:45,944
Well, I'm learning the piano.
579
00:48:47,434 --> 00:48:49,345
Learning the piano?
580
00:48:49,714 --> 00:48:50,829
Yes, Sarge.
581
00:48:50,954 --> 00:48:54,230
And I suppose you want to go practice?
582
00:48:54,714 --> 00:48:57,990
Marchin' up and down the square
not good enough for you?
583
00:48:58,634 --> 00:49:00,670
- Well...
- Right! Off you go!
584
00:49:01,114 --> 00:49:03,912
Now, what about the rest of you?
585
00:49:05,314 --> 00:49:08,272
Rather be at the pictures, I suppose.
586
00:49:11,394 --> 00:49:13,225
All right! Off you go!
587
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:19,149
Bloody army.
I don't know what it's coming to.
588
00:49:19,234 --> 00:49:22,271
Right. Sergeant Major
marching up and down the square.
589
00:49:23,634 --> 00:49:27,343
Democracy and humanitarianism
are trademarks of the British Army.
590
00:49:27,434 --> 00:49:28,469
Rubbish!
591
00:49:28,794 --> 00:49:32,912
And have stamped its triumph
in the furthest flung corners of the Empire.
592
00:49:49,394 --> 00:49:52,431
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done...
593
00:49:52,514 --> 00:49:56,268
...it has always been
the calm leadership of the officer class...
594
00:49:56,354 --> 00:49:59,312
...that has made the British Army
what it is.
595
00:50:32,634 --> 00:50:33,953
Excuse me.
596
00:50:40,754 --> 00:50:43,871
- Morning, Ainsworth.
- Morning, Pakenham. Sleep well?
597
00:50:43,994 --> 00:50:46,383
Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though.
598
00:50:46,474 --> 00:50:48,669
Must be that hole
in the bloody mosquito net.
599
00:50:48,754 --> 00:50:51,222
Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they?
600
00:50:51,954 --> 00:50:53,546
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, Chadwick?
601
00:50:53,634 --> 00:50:56,432
I'm afraid Perkins got badly bitten
during the night.
602
00:50:56,514 --> 00:50:57,629
So did we.
603
00:50:57,794 --> 00:51:00,308
Yes, but I do think Doctor
ought to see him.
604
00:51:00,514 --> 00:51:03,312
- Well, go and fetch him then.
- Right you are, sir.
605
00:51:03,554 --> 00:51:05,784
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
606
00:51:05,874 --> 00:51:07,273
Yes, I suppose so.
607
00:51:10,194 --> 00:51:11,673
Come on, boy.
608
00:51:20,154 --> 00:51:22,588
- Morning, Perkins.
- Morning, sir.
609
00:51:22,754 --> 00:51:24,824
What's all the trouble, then?
610
00:51:24,914 --> 00:51:27,144
Bitten, sir. During the night.
611
00:51:28,794 --> 00:51:31,103
- Whole leg gone?
- Yes.
612
00:51:31,914 --> 00:51:34,189
- How's it feel?
- Stings a bit.
613
00:51:34,914 --> 00:51:36,745
Well, it would, wouldn't it?
614
00:51:37,034 --> 00:51:40,390
That's quite a bite you've got there.
615
00:51:40,674 --> 00:51:43,905
- Yes. A real beauty, isn't it?
- Any idea how it happened?
616
00:51:44,274 --> 00:51:46,549
None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.
617
00:51:46,634 --> 00:51:49,228
Woke up just now, one sock too many.
618
00:51:49,714 --> 00:51:53,024
- Must have a hell of a hole in your net.
- We've sent for the doctor.
619
00:51:53,114 --> 00:51:55,912
- Hardly worth it, is it?
- Yes. Better safe than sorry.
620
00:51:55,994 --> 00:51:57,825
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
621
00:51:57,914 --> 00:51:59,905
By Jove! That's enormous.
622
00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,343
You don't think it'll come back, do you?
623
00:52:02,434 --> 00:52:03,753
- For more, you mean?
- Yes.
624
00:52:03,834 --> 00:52:05,745
- We'd better get it stitched.
- Right.
625
00:52:05,834 --> 00:52:07,028
Hello, doc!
626
00:52:07,114 --> 00:52:10,902
Morning. I came as fast as I could.
Is something up?
627
00:52:11,194 --> 00:52:15,631
Yes. During the night,
old Perkins got his leg bitten, sort of, off.
628
00:52:16,154 --> 00:52:18,873
Yeah. Been in the wars, have we?
629
00:52:19,474 --> 00:52:20,429
Yes.
630
00:52:20,634 --> 00:52:22,625
Any headache? Bowels all right?
631
00:52:23,834 --> 00:52:26,871
Well, let's have a look at
this one leg of yours, then.
632
00:52:27,994 --> 00:52:29,985
Yes. Yes.
633
00:52:32,514 --> 00:52:34,982
Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
634
00:52:35,114 --> 00:52:35,944
Good.
635
00:52:36,034 --> 00:52:39,788
There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus.
Keep warm, plenty of rest...
636
00:52:39,874 --> 00:52:43,503
...and if you're playing football or anything,
try and favor the other leg.
637
00:52:43,594 --> 00:52:44,504
Right.
638
00:52:44,594 --> 00:52:46,824
As right as rain in a couple of days.
639
00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:50,270
- Thanks for the reassurance.
- Not at all. That's what I'm here for.
640
00:52:50,354 --> 00:52:52,709
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?
641
00:52:52,794 --> 00:52:54,068
No, I'm fine.
642
00:52:54,154 --> 00:52:56,145
Jolly good. Well, must be off.
643
00:52:56,354 --> 00:52:59,346
So it'll just grow back again, then, will it?
644
00:53:03,114 --> 00:53:05,912
I think I'd better come clean with you
about this.
645
00:53:06,154 --> 00:53:09,191
It's not a virus, I'm afraid.
646
00:53:10,154 --> 00:53:13,544
You see, a virus is what we doctors call
very, very small.
647
00:53:13,634 --> 00:53:17,024
So small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.
648
00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:20,345
What we're looking for,
this is no more than an educated guess...
649
00:53:20,434 --> 00:53:23,585
...I'd like to make that clear,
is some multicellular life form...
650
00:53:23,674 --> 00:53:27,826
...with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth,
about 11-foot long...
651
00:53:27,914 --> 00:53:30,109
...and of the genus felis horribilis.
652
00:53:30,194 --> 00:53:33,072
What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.
653
00:53:34,034 --> 00:53:35,467
A tiger?
654
00:53:35,914 --> 00:53:37,313
A tiger?
655
00:53:41,394 --> 00:53:43,066
A tiger in Africa?
656
00:53:43,474 --> 00:53:45,146
A tiger in Africa?
657
00:53:47,234 --> 00:53:50,909
- It's probably escaped from a zoo.
- Doesn't sound very likely to me.
658
00:53:51,594 --> 00:53:53,027
Sir! Sir!
659
00:53:53,154 --> 00:53:55,907
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.
660
00:53:56,074 --> 00:53:57,143
Jolly good.
661
00:53:57,234 --> 00:54:00,544
Quite a lot of casualties, sir.
C-division wiped out. Signal's gone.
662
00:54:00,634 --> 00:54:02,704
- Thirty men killed in F-section.
- I see.
663
00:54:02,794 --> 00:54:05,183
I should think
about 150 men altogether, sir.
664
00:54:05,274 --> 00:54:06,309
Jolly good.
665
00:54:06,394 --> 00:54:09,830
I haven't got the final figures,
but there's a lot of seriously wounded...
666
00:54:09,914 --> 00:54:13,304
Yes, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.
667
00:54:15,234 --> 00:54:17,350
One of the officers has lost a leg.
668
00:54:18,194 --> 00:54:21,789
- Oh, no, sir!
- I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.
669
00:54:22,314 --> 00:54:23,508
In Africa?
670
00:54:24,114 --> 00:54:27,629
The M.O. says we can stitch it back on
if we can find it immediately.
671
00:54:27,714 --> 00:54:31,946
- Right, sir. I'll organize a party.
- It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant.
672
00:54:33,034 --> 00:54:36,071
- A search party.
- Much better idea.
673
00:54:40,874 --> 00:54:42,068
Sorry about the mess.
674
00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:44,588
We'll try to clear it up
by the time you get back.
675
00:54:44,674 --> 00:54:46,824
- We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?
- Yes.
676
00:54:46,914 --> 00:54:48,870
We got a search party. Leave that alone.
677
00:54:48,954 --> 00:54:51,946
All this killing, bloodshed,
bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
678
00:54:52,034 --> 00:54:52,944
Yes, very good.
679
00:54:53,034 --> 00:54:55,628
- Morning, sir.
- Nasty wound you've got there, fella.
680
00:54:55,714 --> 00:54:57,386
Thank you very much, sir.
681
00:54:58,634 --> 00:55:01,102
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
682
00:55:02,354 --> 00:55:04,470
Better than staying home, isn't it?
683
00:55:04,594 --> 00:55:06,744
At home if you kill someone,
they arrest you.
684
00:55:06,834 --> 00:55:09,223
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do.
685
00:55:09,314 --> 00:55:13,387
I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir.
At home, they'd hang me.
686
00:55:13,874 --> 00:55:16,468
Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir.
687
00:55:32,714 --> 00:55:34,067
Sorry, sir.
688
00:55:34,634 --> 00:55:35,953
Thank you.
689
00:55:52,834 --> 00:55:53,949
Look!
690
00:55:56,154 --> 00:55:58,065
My God! It's huge!
691
00:56:07,954 --> 00:56:10,514
Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
We're not a tiger.
692
00:56:11,154 --> 00:56:12,826
We were just...
693
00:56:14,114 --> 00:56:16,070
Why are you dressed as a tiger?
694
00:56:18,634 --> 00:56:21,751
- Oh, why, why, why?
- Isn't it a lovely day today?
695
00:56:22,034 --> 00:56:23,706
Answer the question.
696
00:56:24,274 --> 00:56:28,870
- We were just...
- Well, we're dressed like this because...
697
00:56:29,874 --> 00:56:31,273
No, that's not it.
698
00:56:31,514 --> 00:56:34,108
We did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. High spirits.
699
00:56:34,194 --> 00:56:36,344
- Simple as that.
- Nothing more to it.
700
00:56:37,274 --> 00:56:40,266
Actually, we're on a mission
for British intelligence.
701
00:56:40,554 --> 00:56:44,342
- There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief...
- No, no, no.
702
00:56:44,474 --> 00:56:47,227
- No, no, no.
- No. We're doing it for an advertisement.
703
00:56:47,314 --> 00:56:49,544
That's it. Forget about the Russians.
704
00:56:49,634 --> 00:56:51,909
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
705
00:56:51,994 --> 00:56:55,907
"Tiger brand coffee is a real treat.
Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat."
706
00:56:55,994 --> 00:56:58,224
- Now, look...
- All right, all right.
707
00:56:58,314 --> 00:57:01,784
We are dressed as a tiger because
he has an auntie who did it in 1839.
708
00:57:01,874 --> 00:57:04,627
- This is the 50th anniversary.
- We're doing it for a bet.
709
00:57:04,714 --> 00:57:08,229
- God told us to do it.
- To tell the truth, we are completely mad.
710
00:57:08,394 --> 00:57:10,908
We're inmates
of a Bengali Psychiatric Institution...
711
00:57:10,994 --> 00:57:15,033
...and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.
712
00:57:15,594 --> 00:57:17,824
- It doesn't matter!
- What?
713
00:57:17,954 --> 00:57:20,627
It doesn't matter
why they're dressed as a tiger.
714
00:57:20,714 --> 00:57:22,511
Have they got my leg?
715
00:57:23,274 --> 00:57:25,390
Good thinking. Well, have you?
716
00:57:26,114 --> 00:57:27,433
- Actually...
- Yes?
717
00:57:27,994 --> 00:57:30,064
We were thinking
of training as taxidermists.
718
00:57:30,154 --> 00:57:32,543
We wanted the feel
from the animal's point of view.
719
00:57:32,634 --> 00:57:37,628
Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you
if you've got this man's leg.
720
00:57:38,074 --> 00:57:40,588
- A wooden leg?
- No, no, a proper leg.
721
00:57:40,674 --> 00:57:44,872
He was fast asleep, and someone
or something came in and removed it.
722
00:57:46,074 --> 00:57:47,632
Without waking him up?
723
00:57:49,754 --> 00:57:51,790
- Yes.
- I don't believe you.
724
00:57:52,034 --> 00:57:54,548
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
725
00:57:54,634 --> 00:57:56,784
The owner wanted it
taken to Dar es Salaam.
726
00:57:56,874 --> 00:58:00,787
Shut up! Now look,
have you or have you not got his leg?
727
00:58:01,194 --> 00:58:04,072
- Yes. No.
- No, no.
728
00:58:06,354 --> 00:58:08,629
- Why did you say yes?
- I didn't.
729
00:58:08,794 --> 00:58:10,432
I'm not talking to you.
730
00:58:17,634 --> 00:58:19,386
Right. Search the thicket.
731
00:58:19,834 --> 00:58:23,747
Come on. Do we look like the sort of
chaps who'd creep into a camp at night...
732
00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:27,065
...steal into someone's tent,
anesthetize them, tissue-type 'em...
733
00:58:27,154 --> 00:58:29,463
...amputate a leg and run away with it?
734
00:58:29,554 --> 00:58:30,987
Search the thicket.
735
00:58:31,714 --> 00:58:33,591
Leg! You're looking for a leg!
736
00:58:33,874 --> 00:58:36,468
Actually, I think there is one
in there somewhere.
737
00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:39,591
Someone must've abandoned it here,
knowing you'd come after it.
738
00:58:39,674 --> 00:58:42,984
We stumbled across it, actually.
They'll be miles away by now.
739
00:58:43,074 --> 00:58:45,952
I expect we'll have to take
all the blame as usual.
740
00:58:46,514 --> 00:58:50,427
Hello, good evening and welcome to
The Middle of the Film.
741
00:58:57,114 --> 00:58:59,582
Hello, and welcome to
The Middle of the Film...
742
00:58:59,674 --> 00:59:02,234
...the moment where we take a break
to invite you...
743
00:59:02,314 --> 00:59:06,023
...to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.
744
00:59:06,834 --> 00:59:09,428
We're going to show you
a scene from another film...
745
00:59:09,514 --> 00:59:11,823
...and ask you to guess where the fish is.
746
00:59:11,914 --> 00:59:14,587
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
747
00:59:14,674 --> 00:59:16,949
Yell out so that all the cinema
can hear you.
748
00:59:17,034 --> 00:59:19,992
So here we are with Find the Fish.
749
00:59:29,234 --> 00:59:32,271
I wonder where that fish has gone.
750
00:59:33,074 --> 00:59:34,792
You did love it so.
751
00:59:34,874 --> 00:59:37,308
You looked after it like a son.
752
00:59:37,994 --> 00:59:41,987
And it went wherever I did go.
753
00:59:42,234 --> 00:59:45,306
- Is it in the cupboard?
- Yes!
754
00:59:45,674 --> 00:59:49,633
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
755
00:59:50,034 --> 00:59:54,505
And it went wherever I did go.
756
00:59:54,914 --> 00:59:58,509
- It's behind the sofa!
- Where can that fish be?
757
00:59:59,314 --> 01:00:01,509
Have you thought of the drawers
in the bureau?
758
01:00:01,594 --> 01:00:04,233
It is a most elusive fish.
759
01:00:04,354 --> 01:00:08,108
And it went wherever I did go.
760
01:00:09,754 --> 01:00:12,143
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
761
01:00:12,674 --> 01:00:16,713
Fish, fish, fish...
762
01:00:18,874 --> 01:00:21,593
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
763
01:00:21,874 --> 01:00:25,947
That went wherever I did go.
764
01:00:26,034 --> 01:00:28,946
- Look up his trunk!
- Yeah! It's in his trousers!
765
01:00:29,314 --> 01:00:31,350
- That was terrific!
- Great! Yeah!
766
01:00:31,714 --> 01:00:34,069
- Best bit so far.
- Fantastic!
767
01:00:35,154 --> 01:00:37,224
Really risky, yeah.
768
01:00:40,874 --> 01:00:44,230
They haven't said much about
the meaning of life so far, have they?
769
01:00:44,314 --> 01:00:46,589
- Well, it's been building up to it.
- Has it?
770
01:00:46,674 --> 01:00:48,949
Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now.
771
01:00:49,714 --> 01:00:54,105
Personally, I doubt they're going to say
anything about the meaning of life at all.
772
01:00:54,234 --> 01:00:56,873
- They've gotta say something.
- They're bound to.
773
01:00:56,954 --> 01:00:58,069
Yeah.
774
01:01:01,754 --> 01:01:04,905
- What do you think the next bit will be?
- Caption, I expect.
775
01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:07,428
About the next stage of life, you mean?
Here we go.
776
01:01:09,594 --> 01:01:10,913
Could've guessed it.
777
01:01:16,754 --> 01:01:18,984
That's much better. Thank you, honey.
778
01:01:19,074 --> 01:01:20,302
You're welcome.
779
01:01:21,914 --> 01:01:25,111
It was all sort of misty before. That's fine.
780
01:01:25,554 --> 01:01:28,910
- Hey! How are you?
- We're just fine.
781
01:01:28,994 --> 01:01:31,224
What kind of food
would you like this evening?
782
01:01:31,314 --> 01:01:33,384
We sort of like pineapple.
783
01:01:33,474 --> 01:01:35,351
Yeah, we love pineapple.
784
01:01:35,514 --> 01:01:38,312
Yeah, anything with pineapple
in it is great for us.
785
01:01:38,434 --> 01:01:40,664
How about the Dungeon Room?
786
01:01:41,514 --> 01:01:44,267
- That sounds fine.
- Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food...
787
01:01:44,354 --> 01:01:48,472
...served in an authentic
medieval-English-dungeon atmosphere.
788
01:02:03,354 --> 01:02:04,673
Isn't this nice?
789
01:02:05,714 --> 01:02:06,942
How are ya?
790
01:02:08,154 --> 01:02:09,633
Take a little Kodak.
791
01:02:09,834 --> 01:02:11,825
Thank you. Thank you very much.
792
01:02:24,874 --> 01:02:27,786
Good evening. Would you care for
something to talk about?
793
01:02:27,874 --> 01:02:31,992
- That would be wonderful.
- Our special tonight is minorities.
794
01:02:32,074 --> 01:02:34,269
That sounds real interesting.
795
01:02:34,634 --> 01:02:36,704
What's this conversation here?
796
01:02:36,794 --> 01:02:40,184
That's football. You can talk about
the Steelers-Bears game Saturday...
797
01:02:40,274 --> 01:02:43,107
...or you could reminisce
about really great World Series.
798
01:02:43,194 --> 01:02:44,149
No, no.
799
01:02:44,234 --> 01:02:47,510
- What is this one here?
- That's philosophy.
800
01:02:48,154 --> 01:02:49,473
Is that a sport?
801
01:02:50,234 --> 01:02:53,909
No, it's more of an attempt
to construct a viable hypothesis...
802
01:02:54,034 --> 01:02:55,911
...to explain the meaning of life.
803
01:02:56,274 --> 01:02:58,344
- What was that?
- What's he saying?
804
01:02:58,794 --> 01:03:00,307
That sounds wonderful.
805
01:03:00,714 --> 01:03:03,911
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?
806
01:03:04,034 --> 01:03:05,433
Sure. Why not?
807
01:03:05,514 --> 01:03:07,391
- Philosophy for two?
- Right.
808
01:03:07,714 --> 01:03:09,432
- Room?
- 259.
809
01:03:09,514 --> 01:03:11,152
259.
810
01:03:13,114 --> 01:03:14,308
How do we...?
811
01:03:14,554 --> 01:03:16,704
You folks want me to start you off?
812
01:03:16,914 --> 01:03:18,108
We'd appreciate that.
813
01:03:18,194 --> 01:03:19,183
Okay!
814
01:03:21,034 --> 01:03:24,265
Look. Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
815
01:03:26,154 --> 01:03:29,305
We went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
816
01:03:29,394 --> 01:03:32,864
No, no, no. I mean,
why we're here, on this planet.
817
01:03:36,234 --> 01:03:37,189
No.
818
01:03:37,434 --> 01:03:41,313
Right. You ever wanted to know
what it's all about?
819
01:03:41,674 --> 01:03:42,789
Nope.
820
01:03:43,314 --> 01:03:44,383
Righty-ho!
821
01:03:44,674 --> 01:03:48,792
See, throughout history,
there have been certain men and women...
822
01:03:48,914 --> 01:03:52,793
...who've tried to find
the solution to the mysteries of existence.
823
01:03:53,354 --> 01:03:56,471
- Great!
- And we call these guys philosophers.
824
01:03:56,634 --> 01:03:58,943
- And that's what we're talking about.
- Right!
825
01:03:59,034 --> 01:04:00,262
That's neat.
826
01:04:00,354 --> 01:04:04,666
You look you're getting the idea,
so I'll give you these conversation cards.
827
01:04:04,754 --> 01:04:09,111
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.
828
01:04:09,194 --> 01:04:10,343
There you are.
829
01:04:10,434 --> 01:04:13,471
- Have a nice conversation.
- Thank you very much.
830
01:04:13,674 --> 01:04:16,552
- He's cute.
- Yeah, real understanding.
831
01:04:17,834 --> 01:04:20,712
I never knew Schopenhauer was
a philosopher.
832
01:04:22,154 --> 01:04:25,590
Yeah. He's the one that begins
with an "S."
833
01:04:32,234 --> 01:04:33,747
Like Nietzsche.
834
01:04:35,754 --> 01:04:37,870
Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"?
835
01:04:39,394 --> 01:04:41,624
There's an "S" in "Nietzsche."
836
01:04:43,554 --> 01:04:45,510
Yes, there is.
837
01:04:46,634 --> 01:04:49,023
Do all philosophers have an "S" in them?
838
01:04:49,194 --> 01:04:51,469
Yeah. I think most of them do.
839
01:04:53,634 --> 01:04:56,592
Does that mean Selina Jones
is a philosopher?
840
01:04:56,834 --> 01:04:57,983
Yeah! Right!
841
01:04:58,074 --> 01:05:01,464
She could be.
She sings about the meaning of life.
842
01:05:01,834 --> 01:05:03,392
Yeah. That's right.
843
01:05:04,114 --> 01:05:06,309
But I don't think she writes
her own material.
844
01:05:06,394 --> 01:05:07,429
No.
845
01:05:07,794 --> 01:05:10,354
Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.
846
01:05:10,754 --> 01:05:13,348
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
847
01:05:14,354 --> 01:05:16,470
There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach."
848
01:05:16,874 --> 01:05:18,546
Or in "Hal David."
849
01:05:19,554 --> 01:05:20,953
Who's Hal David?
850
01:05:21,354 --> 01:05:24,266
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
851
01:05:24,394 --> 01:05:27,830
Only now,
he's married to Carol Beyer Seger.
852
01:05:31,074 --> 01:05:33,713
Waiter? This conversation isn't very good.
853
01:05:33,794 --> 01:05:35,307
I'm sorry, sir.
854
01:05:36,434 --> 01:05:38,823
We do have one today
that's not on the menu.
855
01:05:38,914 --> 01:05:42,873
It's sort of a specialty of the house,
you know? Live organ transplants.
856
01:05:43,594 --> 01:05:45,789
Live organ transplants? What's that?
857
01:05:55,514 --> 01:05:57,789
Don't worry, dear. I'll get it.
858
01:06:04,514 --> 01:06:07,108
- Yes?
- Hello. Can we have your liver?
859
01:06:07,994 --> 01:06:09,950
- What?
- Your liver.
860
01:06:10,754 --> 01:06:14,064
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
861
01:06:15,594 --> 01:06:18,108
You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of...
862
01:06:18,194 --> 01:06:21,982
Yeah, yeah, I know what it is,
but I'm using it.
863
01:06:24,354 --> 01:06:27,266
Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.
864
01:06:29,034 --> 01:06:29,944
Hello!
865
01:06:31,834 --> 01:06:34,268
- What's this, then?
- A liver donor's card.
866
01:06:34,354 --> 01:06:36,629
- Need we say more?
- No.
867
01:06:36,714 --> 01:06:40,263
Listen, I can't give it you now.
It says, "in the event of death."
868
01:06:40,354 --> 01:06:41,309
My God!
869
01:06:41,474 --> 01:06:44,989
No one has ever had their liver taken out
by us and survived.
870
01:06:45,074 --> 01:06:47,668
Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.
871
01:07:01,274 --> 01:07:02,787
Here. What's going on?
872
01:07:02,874 --> 01:07:05,149
He's donating his liver, madam.
873
01:07:05,834 --> 01:07:08,871
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
874
01:07:08,994 --> 01:07:11,508
- That's right, madam.
- Typical of him.
875
01:07:12,034 --> 01:07:15,265
He goes down to the public library,
sees a few signs up...
876
01:07:15,514 --> 01:07:18,187
...comes home all full of good intentions.
877
01:07:18,594 --> 01:07:22,269
He gives blood, does cold research,
all that sort of thing.
878
01:07:26,034 --> 01:07:28,628
What do you do with them all, anyway?
879
01:07:28,874 --> 01:07:30,865
They all go to saving lives, madam.
880
01:07:30,954 --> 01:07:32,387
That's what he used to say.
881
01:07:32,474 --> 01:07:35,511
"It's all for the good of the country,"
he used to say.
882
01:07:36,434 --> 01:07:39,232
Do you think it's all
for the good of the country?
883
01:07:39,714 --> 01:07:42,148
Do you think it's all
for the good of the country?
884
01:07:42,234 --> 01:07:46,068
I wouldn't know about that, madam.
We're just doing our jobs, you know?
885
01:07:47,354 --> 01:07:49,584
You're not doctors, then?
886
01:07:50,794 --> 01:07:52,022
Blimey, no.
887
01:07:53,714 --> 01:07:56,945
Mum, Dad, I'm off out now.
I'll see you about 7:00?
888
01:07:57,274 --> 01:07:59,913
Right, son. Look after yourself.
889
01:08:04,554 --> 01:08:07,307
You fancy a cup of tea?
890
01:08:08,674 --> 01:08:10,949
That'd be very nice. Thank you.
891
01:08:11,594 --> 01:08:14,154
Thank you very much, madam.
892
01:08:15,914 --> 01:08:17,745
I thought she'd never ask.
893
01:08:21,874 --> 01:08:24,547
You do realize he has to be...
894
01:08:25,634 --> 01:08:28,432
...dead by the terms of the card...
895
01:08:28,994 --> 01:08:30,791
...before he donates his liver.
896
01:08:30,874 --> 01:08:34,662
I told him that, but he never listens to me,
silly man.
897
01:08:34,794 --> 01:08:36,512
I mean, I was wonderin'...
898
01:08:37,594 --> 01:08:40,154
...what you was thinkin' of doin' after that.
899
01:08:40,274 --> 01:08:42,834
I mean will you stay on your own?
900
01:08:43,194 --> 01:08:47,073
Or is there, well, someone else, sort of...
901
01:08:49,154 --> 01:08:50,667
...on the horizon?
902
01:08:50,754 --> 01:08:54,030
I'm too old for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.
903
01:08:54,114 --> 01:08:57,106
Not at all. Very attractive woman.
904
01:08:57,914 --> 01:09:01,702
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
905
01:09:02,714 --> 01:09:04,591
- Sure?
- Sure.
906
01:09:12,514 --> 01:09:14,311
Can we have your liver then?
907
01:09:14,394 --> 01:09:16,066
I would be scared.
908
01:09:16,234 --> 01:09:17,303
All right.
909
01:09:18,914 --> 01:09:20,347
I'll tell you what.
910
01:09:21,154 --> 01:09:22,667
Listen to this.
911
01:09:23,914 --> 01:09:26,553
"Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
912
01:09:26,874 --> 01:09:29,627
"And things seem hard or tough
913
01:09:30,194 --> 01:09:34,187
"And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
914
01:09:35,074 --> 01:09:39,864
"And you feel that you've had quite enough
915
01:09:43,434 --> 01:09:49,350
"Just remember that you're standing
on a planet that's evolving
916
01:09:49,474 --> 01:09:52,113
"And revolving at 900 miles an hour
917
01:09:52,994 --> 01:09:56,828
"It's orbiting at 19 miles a second
So it's reckoned
918
01:09:56,954 --> 01:09:59,752
"A sun that is the source of all our power
919
01:10:00,754 --> 01:10:04,349
"The sun and you and me
And all the stars that we can see
920
01:10:04,514 --> 01:10:07,472
"Are moving at a million miles a day
921
01:10:08,274 --> 01:10:11,789
"In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
922
01:10:12,314 --> 01:10:15,067
"Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way
923
01:10:23,754 --> 01:10:27,144
"Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
924
01:10:27,434 --> 01:10:30,551
"It's a 100,000 light years side to side
925
01:10:31,394 --> 01:10:34,511
"It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
926
01:10:34,914 --> 01:10:37,951
"But out by us,
it's just 3,000 light years wide
927
01:10:38,994 --> 01:10:42,304
"We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
928
01:10:42,514 --> 01:10:45,312
"We go round every 200 million years
929
01:10:46,434 --> 01:10:49,870
"And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
930
01:10:50,034 --> 01:10:53,344
"In this amazing and expanding universe
931
01:11:24,674 --> 01:11:28,223
"The universe itself
keeps on expanding and expanding
932
01:11:28,354 --> 01:11:31,152
"In all of the directions it can whizz
933
01:11:32,114 --> 01:11:35,902
"As fast as it can go
The speed of light you know
934
01:11:35,994 --> 01:11:39,350
"Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest speed there is
935
01:11:39,434 --> 01:11:43,347
"So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure
936
01:11:43,554 --> 01:11:46,785
"How amazingly unlikely is your birth
937
01:11:47,594 --> 01:11:51,064
"And pray that there's intelligent life
somewhere up in space
938
01:11:51,154 --> 01:11:54,032
"'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth"
939
01:11:59,074 --> 01:12:01,542
Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?
940
01:12:01,634 --> 01:12:03,306
Yeah.
941
01:12:05,714 --> 01:12:07,591
Can we have your liver, then?
942
01:12:08,394 --> 01:12:10,749
- Yeah, all right. You talked me into it.
- Eric!
943
01:12:19,834 --> 01:12:22,553
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization...
944
01:12:22,634 --> 01:12:25,671
...of just how much there is
still left to own.
945
01:12:26,634 --> 01:12:31,310
Item 6 on the agenda:
"The Meaning of Life."
946
01:12:33,634 --> 01:12:35,943
Now, Harry,
you've had some thoughts on this.
947
01:12:36,034 --> 01:12:39,310
I've had a team working on this
over the past few weeks.
948
01:12:39,394 --> 01:12:43,592
What we've come up with can be reduced
to two fundamental concepts.
949
01:12:44,274 --> 01:12:46,913
One: People are not wearing enough hats.
950
01:12:47,674 --> 01:12:49,904
Two: Matter is energy.
951
01:12:50,434 --> 01:12:54,746
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
952
01:12:55,594 --> 01:12:59,985
Some energies have a spiritual source
which act upon a person's soul.
953
01:13:00,634 --> 01:13:04,343
However,
this soul does not exist ab initio...
954
01:13:04,514 --> 01:13:06,789
...as orthodox Christianity teaches.
955
01:13:07,074 --> 01:13:12,023
It has to be brought into existence
by a process of guided self-observation.
956
01:13:13,154 --> 01:13:16,544
However, this is rarely achieved
owing to man's unique ability...
957
01:13:16,634 --> 01:13:20,866
...to be distracted from spiritual matters
by everyday trivia.
958
01:13:24,634 --> 01:13:26,909
What was that about hats again?
959
01:13:28,354 --> 01:13:30,310
People aren't wearing enough.
960
01:13:30,394 --> 01:13:31,713
Is this true?
961
01:13:31,914 --> 01:13:35,509
Certainly. Hat sales have increased,
but not pari passu as our research...
962
01:13:35,594 --> 01:13:37,949
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?
963
01:13:38,034 --> 01:13:40,594
Can I just ask,
with reference to your second point...
964
01:13:40,674 --> 01:13:44,633
...when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...
965
01:13:47,114 --> 01:13:49,708
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
966
01:13:52,154 --> 01:13:53,143
What?
967
01:13:53,314 --> 01:13:54,383
Good Lord!
968
01:14:13,954 --> 01:14:15,069
Good Lord!
969
01:14:15,834 --> 01:14:18,553
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
970
01:14:20,954 --> 01:14:24,071
We interrupt this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attack...
971
01:14:24,154 --> 01:14:25,667
...by the supporting feature.
972
01:14:25,754 --> 01:14:28,393
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality...
973
01:14:28,474 --> 01:14:30,704
...and are now taking steps to remedy it.
974
01:14:31,914 --> 01:14:32,983
Thank you.
975
01:14:38,994 --> 01:14:43,146
Good evening. Here's a little number
I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.
976
01:14:43,234 --> 01:14:45,828
"Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis
977
01:14:46,154 --> 01:14:48,907
"Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong
978
01:14:49,114 --> 01:14:52,106
"It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
979
01:14:52,194 --> 01:14:55,504
"From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prick
980
01:14:55,594 --> 01:14:58,552
"So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas
981
01:14:58,994 --> 01:15:01,633
"Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
982
01:15:01,954 --> 01:15:05,310
"Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend
your percy or your cock
983
01:15:05,394 --> 01:15:08,830
"You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
984
01:15:08,914 --> 01:15:12,065
"But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dock
985
01:15:12,154 --> 01:15:15,510
"And you won't come back"
Thank you very much.
986
01:15:17,954 --> 01:15:21,310
- What a frightfully witty song.
- Terribly clever.
987
01:15:24,674 --> 01:15:26,505
- Jolly good.
- Marvelous.
988
01:15:33,914 --> 01:15:36,064
Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote!
989
01:15:54,314 --> 01:15:56,623
Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?
990
01:15:56,714 --> 01:15:57,669
Better.
991
01:15:57,754 --> 01:16:00,552
- Better?
- Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
992
01:16:00,634 --> 01:16:02,625
Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.
993
01:16:07,194 --> 01:16:09,105
There we are, monsieur.
994
01:16:23,434 --> 01:16:25,629
- Merci, Gaston.
- I haven't finished.
995
01:16:26,514 --> 01:16:29,506
Pardon! Gaston?
A thousand pardons, monsieur.
996
01:16:29,594 --> 01:16:33,792
Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favorite: The jugged hare.
997
01:16:33,874 --> 01:16:38,311
The hare is very high,
and the sauce is very rich...
998
01:16:38,514 --> 01:16:43,269
...with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
999
01:16:43,354 --> 01:16:44,707
Thank you, Gaston.
1000
01:16:44,874 --> 01:16:46,466
There's still more.
1001
01:16:46,554 --> 01:16:47,828
Allow me.
1002
01:16:49,714 --> 01:16:51,466
A new bucket for monsieur.
1003
01:16:54,954 --> 01:16:56,592
And the cleaning woman.
1004
01:16:59,394 --> 01:17:02,431
Et maintenant,
would monsieur care for an ap�ritif...
1005
01:17:02,554 --> 01:17:05,114
...or would he prefer
to order straight away?
1006
01:17:05,994 --> 01:17:09,669
Today, we have for appetizers...
Excuse me.
1007
01:17:11,634 --> 01:17:16,583
Moules marini�res, p�t� de foie gras,
beluga caviar, eggs benedictine...
1008
01:17:16,674 --> 01:17:18,790
...tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart...
1009
01:17:18,874 --> 01:17:22,423
...frogs' legs amandine
or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd.
1010
01:17:22,554 --> 01:17:26,388
C'est-�-dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of pur�ed mushrooms.
1011
01:17:26,474 --> 01:17:28,385
It's very delicate, very succulent.
1012
01:17:28,474 --> 01:17:29,873
I'll have the lot.
1013
01:17:31,074 --> 01:17:32,746
A wise choice, monsieur.
1014
01:17:33,114 --> 01:17:37,187
And now, how would you like it served?
All mixed up together in a bucket?
1015
01:17:37,274 --> 01:17:39,310
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
1016
01:17:39,434 --> 01:17:43,188
- But of course. Avec les oeufs frits.
- Don't skimp on the p�t�.
1017
01:17:43,274 --> 01:17:46,584
I assure you. Just because it's mixed up
with all the other things...
1018
01:17:46,674 --> 01:17:49,188
...we wouldn't give you
less than the full amount.
1019
01:17:49,274 --> 01:17:53,028
In fact, I will personally make sure
you have a double helping.
1020
01:17:53,554 --> 01:17:56,307
Maintenant, quelque chose � boire.
Something to drink?
1021
01:17:56,394 --> 01:17:59,591
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Ch�teau-Latour '45.
1022
01:18:00,474 --> 01:18:02,544
And a double jeroboam of champagne.
1023
01:18:02,714 --> 01:18:04,909
Bon. And the usual brown ales?
1024
01:18:05,234 --> 01:18:09,113
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think
I could only manage six crates today.
1025
01:18:09,474 --> 01:18:12,591
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.
1026
01:18:13,154 --> 01:18:15,429
- Shut up!
- D'accord.
1027
01:18:16,074 --> 01:18:18,713
The new bucket and the cleaning woman.
1028
01:18:25,074 --> 01:18:28,589
- Is there something wrong with the food?
- No, the food was excellent.
1029
01:18:28,674 --> 01:18:31,905
- You're not happy with the service?
- No, no complaints.
1030
01:18:32,234 --> 01:18:35,670
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.
1031
01:18:37,034 --> 01:18:39,502
And we have a train to catch.
1032
01:18:39,634 --> 01:18:42,706
Yes, of course. We have a train to catch.
1033
01:18:42,954 --> 01:18:45,946
And I don't want to start bleeding
all over the seats.
1034
01:18:46,554 --> 01:18:48,988
- Madam?
- Perhaps we should be going?
1035
01:18:50,914 --> 01:18:54,873
Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much.
So nice to see you.
1036
01:18:55,834 --> 01:18:58,268
I hope very much
we will see you again very soon.
1037
01:18:58,354 --> 01:18:59,833
Au revoir, messieurs.
1038
01:19:00,594 --> 01:19:03,631
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.
1039
01:19:07,434 --> 01:19:09,584
Another bucket for monsieur!
1040
01:19:11,514 --> 01:19:13,425
And perhaps a hose.
1041
01:19:16,874 --> 01:19:19,547
Oh, Max. Really!
1042
01:19:34,674 --> 01:19:37,666
Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
1043
01:19:38,234 --> 01:19:41,271
Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one.
1044
01:19:41,794 --> 01:19:44,592
- No, fuck off. I'm full.
- Sir.
1045
01:19:46,794 --> 01:19:48,591
It's only wafer thin.
1046
01:19:49,674 --> 01:19:53,349
I couldn't eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.
1047
01:19:53,674 --> 01:19:54,868
Bug off.
1048
01:19:55,154 --> 01:19:57,588
Sir, just one. Just one.
1049
01:20:00,394 --> 01:20:04,433
- All right. Just one.
- Just the one, monsieur.
1050
01:20:05,434 --> 01:20:06,787
Voil�.
1051
01:20:11,434 --> 01:20:12,833
Bon app�tit.
1052
01:20:53,994 --> 01:20:56,792
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
1053
01:21:28,394 --> 01:21:31,670
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder if we'II...
1054
01:21:32,634 --> 01:21:35,194
...ever discover the meaning of it all...
1055
01:21:35,474 --> 01:21:37,783
...working in a place like this.
1056
01:21:37,874 --> 01:21:41,628
Well, I've worked in worse places,
philosophically speaking.
1057
01:21:41,714 --> 01:21:42,863
Really, Maria?
1058
01:21:42,954 --> 01:21:44,023
Yes.
1059
01:21:44,794 --> 01:21:47,592
I used to work in the Acad�mie fran�aise.
1060
01:21:48,114 --> 01:21:50,264
But it didn't do me any good at all.
1061
01:21:50,594 --> 01:21:54,872
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid...
1062
01:21:55,394 --> 01:21:58,352
...but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall.
1063
01:21:58,914 --> 01:22:03,385
And the Library of Congress
you'd have thought would hold some key...
1064
01:22:03,794 --> 01:22:07,469
...but it didn't, and neither did
the Bodleian Library.
1065
01:22:08,274 --> 01:22:12,153
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
1066
01:22:12,754 --> 01:22:17,032
I worked there from 9:00 'til 6:00,
read every volume through...
1067
01:22:17,794 --> 01:22:21,628
...but it didn't teach me nothing
about life's mystery.
1068
01:22:22,234 --> 01:22:26,307
I just kept getting older,
and it got more difficult to see.
1069
01:22:26,594 --> 01:22:30,826
'Til eventually, me eyes went,
and me arthritis got bad.
1070
01:22:31,314 --> 01:22:33,987
So now, I'm cleaning up in here.
1071
01:22:35,394 --> 01:22:37,544
But I can't be really sad...
1072
01:22:37,754 --> 01:22:41,030
...'cause you see, I feel that life's a game.
1073
01:22:41,474 --> 01:22:43,988
You sometimes win or lose...
1074
01:22:44,274 --> 01:22:47,027
...and though I may be down right now...
1075
01:22:47,194 --> 01:22:50,072
...at least I don't work for Jews.
1076
01:22:54,754 --> 01:22:55,982
I'm so sorry.
1077
01:22:56,234 --> 01:23:00,193
I had no idea we had a racist working here.
1078
01:23:00,314 --> 01:23:04,148
I apologize most sincerely. I mean...
1079
01:23:06,034 --> 01:23:08,707
Where are you going? No, I can explain.
1080
01:23:13,074 --> 01:23:14,189
As for me...
1081
01:23:15,354 --> 01:23:18,869
...if you want to know what I think,
I'll show you something.
1082
01:23:21,314 --> 01:23:24,192
- Come with me.
- I was saying that...
1083
01:23:25,394 --> 01:23:26,873
- Hello?
- Come on.
1084
01:23:27,634 --> 01:23:28,783
Hello?
1085
01:23:32,834 --> 01:23:34,153
This way.
1086
01:23:38,474 --> 01:23:40,112
Come on. Don't be shy.
1087
01:23:41,394 --> 01:23:43,464
Mind the stairs, all right?
1088
01:23:47,834 --> 01:23:49,870
I think this will help explain.
1089
01:23:56,954 --> 01:23:58,387
Come along.
1090
01:24:01,634 --> 01:24:02,703
Over here.
1091
01:24:13,674 --> 01:24:15,346
Come on. Come on.
1092
01:24:19,874 --> 01:24:21,148
This way.
1093
01:24:24,794 --> 01:24:26,022
Come on.
1094
01:24:29,954 --> 01:24:31,228
This way.
1095
01:24:33,154 --> 01:24:34,507
Stay by me?
1096
01:24:37,594 --> 01:24:39,232
Nearly there now.
1097
01:24:48,794 --> 01:24:50,227
You see that?
1098
01:24:52,874 --> 01:24:54,830
That's where I was born.
1099
01:24:57,034 --> 01:24:59,184
You know, one day...
1100
01:24:59,714 --> 01:25:02,751
...my mother put me on her knee
and she said to me:
1101
01:25:04,194 --> 01:25:05,832
"Gaston, my son.
1102
01:25:06,634 --> 01:25:09,467
"The world is a beautiful place.
1103
01:25:10,554 --> 01:25:14,183
"You must go into it and love everyone.
1104
01:25:15,914 --> 01:25:17,984
"Try to make everyone happy...
1105
01:25:18,954 --> 01:25:23,266
"...and bring peace and contentment
everywhere you go."
1106
01:25:24,714 --> 01:25:26,511
So I became a waiter.
1107
01:25:34,874 --> 01:25:38,503
It's not much of a philosophy, I know.
1108
01:25:42,474 --> 01:25:46,103
Fuck you. I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
1109
01:25:47,274 --> 01:25:48,548
Fuck off.
1110
01:25:50,674 --> 01:25:52,346
Don't come followin' me!
1111
01:26:27,794 --> 01:26:29,671
This man is about to die.
1112
01:26:30,154 --> 01:26:32,793
In a few moments now, he will be killed...
1113
01:26:33,074 --> 01:26:35,668
...for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal...
1114
01:26:35,754 --> 01:26:39,827
...who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
1115
01:26:43,314 --> 01:26:44,542
There he is!
1116
01:26:58,714 --> 01:27:03,071
Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie
Macadam Jarrett...
1117
01:27:04,114 --> 01:27:07,743
...you have been convicted
by 12 good persons, and true...
1118
01:27:08,034 --> 01:27:12,471
...of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes...
1119
01:27:12,874 --> 01:27:14,512
...in a moving picture.
1120
01:27:50,634 --> 01:27:53,353
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
1121
01:27:57,554 --> 01:28:00,466
It's no good. I just can't go on.
1122
01:28:01,354 --> 01:28:03,106
I'm no good anymore.
1123
01:28:04,074 --> 01:28:05,871
I want to end it all!
1124
01:28:06,594 --> 01:28:08,585
Good-bye! Good-bye!
1125
01:28:17,274 --> 01:28:18,627
Oh, my God!
1126
01:28:19,434 --> 01:28:20,833
Oh, no!
1127
01:28:21,914 --> 01:28:25,031
What'll I do? I can't live without him!
1128
01:28:30,834 --> 01:28:33,109
- Mummy!
- Mum, where are you?
1129
01:28:33,194 --> 01:28:35,947
Daddy? Mummy?
1130
01:28:36,114 --> 01:28:37,103
Mummy?
1131
01:29:41,274 --> 01:29:42,263
Yes?
1132
01:29:44,194 --> 01:29:45,912
Is it about the hedge?
1133
01:29:48,594 --> 01:29:52,223
- I'm awfully sorry, but...
- I am the Grim Reaper.
1134
01:29:52,314 --> 01:29:53,190
Who?
1135
01:29:53,274 --> 01:29:55,834
- The Grim Reaper.
- Yes, I see.
1136
01:29:56,234 --> 01:29:58,384
I am death.
1137
01:29:59,114 --> 01:30:02,231
Well, we have some people
from America for dinner tonight...
1138
01:30:02,314 --> 01:30:04,782
- Who is it, darling?
- A Mr. Death or something.
1139
01:30:04,874 --> 01:30:08,071
He's come about the reaping?
I don't think we need any now.
1140
01:30:08,154 --> 01:30:11,146
Hello. Don't leave him
hanging around outside. Ask him in.
1141
01:30:11,234 --> 01:30:14,704
- I don't think it's quite the moment.
- Do come in. Come and have a drink.
1142
01:30:14,794 --> 01:30:16,227
Do. Come on.
1143
01:30:19,754 --> 01:30:22,268
It's one of the little men from the village.
1144
01:30:22,874 --> 01:30:24,626
Do come in. Please.
1145
01:30:25,394 --> 01:30:28,386
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.
1146
01:30:28,714 --> 01:30:31,103
- And his wife, Debbie.
- Hello there.
1147
01:30:31,834 --> 01:30:34,792
And these are the Portland Smythes,
Jeremy and Fiona.
1148
01:30:34,914 --> 01:30:35,824
Good evening.
1149
01:30:35,914 --> 01:30:37,427
This is Mr. Death.
1150
01:30:44,754 --> 01:30:47,393
- Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
- Yes.
1151
01:30:48,434 --> 01:30:50,265
Mr. Death is a reaper.
1152
01:30:50,834 --> 01:30:53,667
The Grim Reaper.
1153
01:30:54,154 --> 01:30:56,224
Hardly surprising in this weather.
1154
01:30:58,834 --> 01:31:01,394
So you still reap around here, do you,
Mr. Death?
1155
01:31:01,474 --> 01:31:05,387
I am the Grim Reaper.
1156
01:31:06,114 --> 01:31:09,186
That's about all he says.
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
1157
01:31:09,354 --> 01:31:10,503
Do sit down.
1158
01:31:10,594 --> 01:31:14,473
We were just talking about some
of the awful problems facing the third...
1159
01:31:18,314 --> 01:31:21,863
Would you prefer white?
I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
1160
01:31:22,114 --> 01:31:23,911
The Stilton's awfully good.
1161
01:31:24,754 --> 01:31:29,782
I am not of this world.
1162
01:31:32,554 --> 01:31:33,669
Good Lord.
1163
01:31:34,354 --> 01:31:36,993
I am death.
1164
01:31:41,034 --> 01:31:42,353
Isn't that extraordinary?
1165
01:31:42,434 --> 01:31:44,709
We were talking about death
five minutes ago.
1166
01:31:44,794 --> 01:31:48,582
Yes, we were. You know,
whether death is really the end...
1167
01:31:48,674 --> 01:31:51,347
As my husband Howard here feels,
or whether there is...
1168
01:31:51,434 --> 01:31:53,994
...and one hates to use
words like "soul" or "spirit"...
1169
01:31:54,074 --> 01:31:56,668
- What other words can one use?
- Exactly.
1170
01:31:56,754 --> 01:32:00,269
You do not understand.
1171
01:32:01,954 --> 01:32:03,865
No. Obviously not.
1172
01:32:03,954 --> 01:32:06,752
- I'll tell you something, Mr. Death.
- You don't...
1173
01:32:06,834 --> 01:32:09,223
I'd like to express
on behalf of everybody here...
1174
01:32:09,314 --> 01:32:11,544
...what a really unique experience this is.
1175
01:32:11,634 --> 01:32:14,671
- Hear, hear.
- We're so delighted that you dropped in.
1176
01:32:15,074 --> 01:32:19,989
- Can I just finish, please?
- Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife?
1177
01:32:20,954 --> 01:32:24,310
- Lf you could wait, please...
- You sure you wouldn't like some sherry...
1178
01:32:24,394 --> 01:32:26,624
Angela, I'd like to say this, please.
1179
01:32:26,794 --> 01:32:28,989
- Quiet!
- Can I just say this, please?
1180
01:32:29,074 --> 01:32:33,272
Silence! I have come for you.
1181
01:32:35,794 --> 01:32:40,151
- You mean to...
- Take you away.
1182
01:32:41,634 --> 01:32:44,671
That is my purpose.
1183
01:32:46,194 --> 01:32:49,664
I am death.
1184
01:32:51,754 --> 01:32:54,712
Well, that's cast rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?
1185
01:32:54,794 --> 01:32:57,911
I don't see it that way, Geoff.
I think we're dealing with...
1186
01:32:57,994 --> 01:33:00,906
...a potentially positive
learning experience that can...
1187
01:33:00,994 --> 01:33:03,747
Shut up! Shut up, you American.
1188
01:33:03,834 --> 01:33:06,428
You always talk, you Americans.
1189
01:33:06,874 --> 01:33:09,342
You talk and you talk and you say:
1190
01:33:09,754 --> 01:33:14,384
"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this."
1191
01:33:14,594 --> 01:33:17,825
Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
1192
01:33:18,394 --> 01:33:20,703
- Dead?
- Dead.
1193
01:33:22,634 --> 01:33:25,671
- All of us?
- All of you.
1194
01:33:28,234 --> 01:33:31,544
Now look here. You barge in here
quite uninvited, break glasses...
1195
01:33:31,634 --> 01:33:34,148
...then announce quite casually
that we're all dead.
1196
01:33:34,234 --> 01:33:37,032
I'd remind you
that you're a guest in this house...
1197
01:33:37,314 --> 01:33:38,429
Be quiet!
1198
01:33:38,754 --> 01:33:42,349
Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!
1199
01:33:43,394 --> 01:33:45,669
None of you have got any balls.
1200
01:33:47,394 --> 01:33:49,954
- Can I ask you a question?
- What?
1201
01:33:50,314 --> 01:33:53,112
How can we all have died
at the same time?
1202
01:34:05,554 --> 01:34:07,943
The salmon mousse.
1203
01:34:08,994 --> 01:34:11,747
Darling, you didn't use canned salmon,
did you?
1204
01:34:12,394 --> 01:34:15,113
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
1205
01:34:16,034 --> 01:34:19,344
Now the time has come.
1206
01:34:20,754 --> 01:34:21,789
Follow.
1207
01:34:23,634 --> 01:34:24,953
Follow me.
1208
01:34:38,674 --> 01:34:41,029
Just testing. Sorry.
1209
01:34:42,914 --> 01:34:45,906
Follow me. Now.
1210
01:34:52,554 --> 01:34:53,669
Come.
1211
01:34:57,434 --> 01:35:00,028
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
1212
01:35:00,114 --> 01:35:02,105
He's normally so reliable.
1213
01:35:02,194 --> 01:35:04,992
- Can we take our glasses?
- Good idea.
1214
01:35:08,554 --> 01:35:10,909
Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse.
1215
01:35:16,114 --> 01:35:18,389
Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed.
1216
01:35:18,474 --> 01:35:19,873
It really is embarrassing.
1217
01:35:19,954 --> 01:35:24,072
To serve salmon with botulism
at a dinner party is social death.
1218
01:35:25,834 --> 01:35:28,428
- Shall we take our cars?
- Why not?
1219
01:35:29,114 --> 01:35:30,183
Good idea.
1220
01:36:05,634 --> 01:36:09,070
Behold paradise.
1221
01:36:10,994 --> 01:36:14,589
- I love it here, darling.
- Me, too, Marvin.
1222
01:36:15,074 --> 01:36:17,508
Hello. Welcome to Heaven.
1223
01:36:26,354 --> 01:36:29,107
Excuse me.
Could you just sign here, please, sir?
1224
01:36:30,034 --> 01:36:33,788
Thank you. There's a table for you
through there, in the restaurant.
1225
01:36:34,074 --> 01:36:38,147
- For the ladies.
- Afterlife mints. Thank you.
1226
01:36:38,234 --> 01:36:40,702
- Happy Christmas.
- Is it Christmas today?
1227
01:36:40,794 --> 01:36:44,070
Of course, madam.
It's Christmas every day in Heaven.
1228
01:36:45,114 --> 01:36:46,911
- How about that?
- Lovely.
1229
01:37:30,034 --> 01:37:31,911
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
1230
01:37:31,994 --> 01:37:35,987
It's truly a real honorable experience
to be here this evening...
1231
01:37:36,514 --> 01:37:38,789
...a very wonderful and warm...
1232
01:37:38,914 --> 01:37:41,189
...and emotional moment for all of us.
1233
01:37:42,074 --> 01:37:46,545
And I'd like to sing a song for all of you.
1234
01:37:50,874 --> 01:37:54,423
"It's Christmas in Heaven
1235
01:37:54,834 --> 01:37:57,985
"All the children sing
1236
01:37:58,234 --> 01:38:00,748
"It's Christmas in Heaven
1237
01:38:01,154 --> 01:38:04,908
"Hark, hark, those church bells ring
1238
01:38:05,074 --> 01:38:08,111
"It's Christmas in Heaven
1239
01:38:08,274 --> 01:38:11,311
"The snow falls from the sky
1240
01:38:11,754 --> 01:38:13,790
"But it's nice and warm
1241
01:38:13,954 --> 01:38:18,152
"And everyone looks smart and wears a tie
1242
01:38:24,034 --> 01:38:27,265
"It's Christmas in Heaven
1243
01:38:27,554 --> 01:38:30,227
"There's great films on TV
1244
01:38:31,074 --> 01:38:34,350
''The Sound of Music twice an hour
1245
01:38:34,514 --> 01:38:37,426
"And Jaws I, II and III
1246
01:38:38,034 --> 01:38:41,424
"There's gifts for all the family
1247
01:38:41,594 --> 01:38:44,506
"There's toiletries and trains
1248
01:38:45,074 --> 01:38:48,191
"There's Sony Walkman headphone sets
1249
01:38:48,634 --> 01:38:51,626
"And the latest video games
1250
01:38:52,194 --> 01:38:55,709
"It's Christmas in Heaven
1251
01:38:56,234 --> 01:38:58,873
"Hip-hip-hooray
1252
01:38:58,954 --> 01:39:03,982
"Every single day is Christmas Day
1253
01:39:06,314 --> 01:39:09,306
"It's Christmas in Heaven
1254
01:39:12,754 --> 01:39:16,872
"Every single day is..."
1255
01:39:20,034 --> 01:39:23,265
That's the end of the film.
Now here's the meaning of life.
1256
01:39:24,474 --> 01:39:26,226
Thank you, Brigitte.
1257
01:39:30,714 --> 01:39:33,865
It's nothing special.
"Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat.
1258
01:39:33,954 --> 01:39:36,422
"Read a good book now and then.
Get some walking in.
1259
01:39:36,514 --> 01:39:40,302
"Try to live together in peace and harmony
with people of all creeds and nations."
1260
01:39:40,394 --> 01:39:44,148
Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures
of penises to annoy the censors...
1261
01:39:44,234 --> 01:39:47,544
...and hopefully spark controversy,
which is the only way...
1262
01:39:47,634 --> 01:39:51,673
...to get the jaded video-sated public
off their asses and back in the cinema.
1263
01:39:52,154 --> 01:39:54,952
Family entertainment? Bollocks.
They want filth:
1264
01:39:55,154 --> 01:39:57,714
People doing things to each other
with chain saws.
1265
01:39:57,794 --> 01:40:01,264
Babysitters stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates.
1266
01:40:01,354 --> 01:40:03,231
Vigilante groups strangling chickens.
1267
01:40:03,314 --> 01:40:06,067
Armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.
1268
01:40:06,154 --> 01:40:07,985
Where's the fun in pictures?
1269
01:40:08,074 --> 01:40:10,508
Oh, well, there we are.
Here's the theme music.
1270
01:40:10,594 --> 01:40:11,743
Good night.
1271
01:42:09,434 --> 01:42:11,265
Subtitles by SOFTITLER