1 00:03:16,832 --> 00:03:19,426 Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce 2 00:03:19,635 --> 00:03:21,728 a legend in our industry. 3 00:03:22,204 --> 00:03:25,605 She's the most successful president in the history of our network 4 00:03:25,807 --> 00:03:30,107 and for the past five years has kept us at the very top of the ratings. 5 00:03:30,779 --> 00:03:32,906 She's our maverick, our wild card, 6 00:03:33,115 --> 00:03:36,175 and today she's gonna take us right to the edge. 7 00:03:36,385 --> 00:03:38,751 Please welcome a giant, a genius 8 00:03:38,954 --> 00:03:45,553 and the hardest-working person in television: Joanna Eberhart. 9 00:03:46,628 --> 00:03:48,721 Way to go, Joanna! 10 00:03:55,504 --> 00:03:59,736 Thank you all so much. Thank you. 11 00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:02,434 Joanna! 12 00:04:02,644 --> 00:04:07,308 That feels good, especially coming from such a fantastic group of people 13 00:04:07,516 --> 00:04:10,713 from all across our great nation, our network affiliates. 14 00:04:10,919 --> 00:04:15,356 Give yourselves a great big hand. You deserve it. 15 00:04:16,491 --> 00:04:19,483 And I want a big, fat Christmas bonus. 16 00:04:19,728 --> 00:04:22,288 Just kidding, but not really, because... 17 00:04:22,531 --> 00:04:26,365 ...I am so excited, I am so on fire, I am so guts-and-glory passionate 18 00:04:26,602 --> 00:04:28,069 about what I am about to show you. 19 00:04:28,270 --> 00:04:30,568 So get ready, because on Monday nights 20 00:04:30,772 --> 00:04:35,072 the whole world will be watching a man, a woman and a buzzer! 21 00:04:43,051 --> 00:04:46,452 Are you ready for the final gender challenge? 22 00:04:49,124 --> 00:04:50,819 - Who makes more money? - I do. 23 00:04:51,026 --> 00:04:53,893 Who enters Ironman triathlons every year and wins? 24 00:04:54,096 --> 00:04:55,120 I do. 25 00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:58,026 Who secretly wishes they were married to a hot, sexy lesbian? 26 00:04:58,533 --> 00:04:59,591 - I do! - I do! 27 00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:01,996 It's Tara! 28 00:05:08,944 --> 00:05:10,502 And... 29 00:05:11,413 --> 00:05:13,176 ...on Thursdays... 30 00:05:13,382 --> 00:05:15,976 No, this is not just a TV show. 31 00:05:16,184 --> 00:05:19,312 No, this is a breakthrough, a breakout, a break-all-the-rules 32 00:05:19,521 --> 00:05:21,785 and bring-on-the-Emmys mega-smash! 33 00:05:22,658 --> 00:05:24,421 Yes! 34 00:05:24,626 --> 00:05:29,120 Can I present to you this planet's ultimate reality phenomenon? 35 00:05:29,398 --> 00:05:32,492 I Can Do Better! 36 00:05:44,613 --> 00:05:47,582 We will all be right there as happily-married couples 37 00:05:47,783 --> 00:05:51,048 are flown first class to a tropical island paradise 38 00:05:51,286 --> 00:05:54,983 where they will be completely surrounded by professional prostitutes. 39 00:05:55,190 --> 00:05:59,752 And at the end of the week... Well, let's take a peek. 40 00:06:00,028 --> 00:06:03,122 Well, it's been a week, and Hank, our personnel manager from Omaha, 41 00:06:03,332 --> 00:06:05,857 has spent the entire seven days with Vanessa, 42 00:06:06,068 --> 00:06:08,036 our call girl and exotic dancer. 43 00:06:08,303 --> 00:06:09,827 Yeah, it's been amazing. 44 00:06:10,372 --> 00:06:14,365 And I'll admit we've had some fun in the hot tub and all. 45 00:06:14,609 --> 00:06:16,509 But you wanna know something, Billy? 46 00:06:16,745 --> 00:06:18,645 All we did was talk... 47 00:06:18,914 --> 00:06:20,108 ...because I love my wife... 48 00:06:20,682 --> 00:06:25,517 ...and the only place I want to be is back in Omaha with my Barbara. 49 00:06:26,421 --> 00:06:28,252 Tough break, Nessa. 50 00:06:28,457 --> 00:06:30,357 And Barbara, you spent Monday with Rocky, 51 00:06:30,559 --> 00:06:32,789 our bodybuilder and male escort, 52 00:06:33,028 --> 00:06:35,622 Tuesday through Thursday with the entire cast 53 00:06:35,831 --> 00:06:37,924 of the XXX film Hung Jury, 54 00:06:38,133 --> 00:06:42,297 and you spent the entire weekend with Tonkiro. 55 00:06:48,810 --> 00:06:52,610 And now it's time for the final decision. Barbara, it's yours to make. 56 00:06:52,814 --> 00:06:55,374 Is it gonna be Omaha? 57 00:06:57,486 --> 00:06:59,113 Or "Oma-hunks"? 58 00:06:59,321 --> 00:07:01,289 Well... 59 00:07:02,124 --> 00:07:05,321 ...before I came on this show I only had sex with one man, 60 00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:07,051 and that was usually Hank. 61 00:07:07,863 --> 00:07:11,424 I love Hank deeply and forever with all my heart, 62 00:07:11,633 --> 00:07:14,329 and I would never do anything to hurt him. 63 00:07:15,637 --> 00:07:17,264 But I can do better! 64 00:07:25,046 --> 00:07:28,948 The battle of the sexes, as old as time but as... 65 00:07:29,151 --> 00:07:31,016 Why? 66 00:07:32,521 --> 00:07:35,888 - Excuse me? - Why did you do it? 67 00:07:36,091 --> 00:07:39,083 Oh, my God, it's Hank from I Can Do Better! 68 00:07:39,294 --> 00:07:41,387 Hank, everyone. 69 00:07:46,034 --> 00:07:48,594 No, stop it. 70 00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:52,335 I love Barbara. I had a family. I had a life. 71 00:07:53,141 --> 00:07:54,233 Hank, 72 00:07:54,509 --> 00:07:56,409 I know it hurts. 73 00:07:56,611 --> 00:07:58,374 Love isn't easy. 74 00:07:58,647 --> 00:08:02,913 Relationships aren't easy, not for anyone. 75 00:08:03,185 --> 00:08:06,586 But now you know the truth about Barbara, 76 00:08:06,788 --> 00:08:09,586 and you are gonna move on with your life. 77 00:08:09,791 --> 00:08:11,725 And you're gonna meet someone wonderful, 78 00:08:11,927 --> 00:08:15,328 and America is gonna love you. 79 00:08:23,638 --> 00:08:27,506 Yeah. I've got a great idea for another hot new show. 80 00:08:27,709 --> 00:08:29,074 Well, tell it to us. 81 00:08:29,277 --> 00:08:30,744 It's called... 82 00:08:31,012 --> 00:08:33,412 ...Let's Kill All the Women. - He's got a gun! 83 00:08:43,325 --> 00:08:46,692 - Joanna, are you all right? - I am great. 84 00:08:46,895 --> 00:08:50,661 Raring to go. The police were sensational. And not a scratch. 85 00:08:50,866 --> 00:08:54,302 - You haven't heard? - About what? 86 00:08:57,506 --> 00:09:01,237 That man, Hank. Right before he tried to kill you, 87 00:09:01,443 --> 00:09:04,970 he went to see his ex-wife and five of her new boyfriends. 88 00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:07,648 - He did? - He shot all of them. 89 00:09:07,849 --> 00:09:09,282 The wife is in critical condition, 90 00:09:09,484 --> 00:09:11,349 and four of the guys are on life support. 91 00:09:11,553 --> 00:09:13,043 - Tonkiro? - He's fine. 92 00:09:13,255 --> 00:09:16,281 - Thank God. - So you know what this means. 93 00:09:17,826 --> 00:09:19,054 Of course. 94 00:09:19,261 --> 00:09:21,821 We pay for all of their medical treatment, every penny. 95 00:09:22,030 --> 00:09:24,999 We get them the very best therapist, childcare, rehab, 96 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,795 whatever they need, and then we fly them to New York, first class, 97 00:09:29,004 --> 00:09:30,130 for a prime-time special, 98 00:09:30,338 --> 00:09:33,364 Hank and Barbara: Let the Healing Begin. 99 00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:35,503 You're not listening. 100 00:09:35,777 --> 00:09:39,178 We can't wear this. The lawsuits alone may bankrupt the network. 101 00:09:39,381 --> 00:09:42,748 And all your new shows, the whole lineup, the affiliates won't touch them. 102 00:09:43,919 --> 00:09:45,784 We have shareholders. 103 00:09:46,021 --> 00:09:48,785 We can't let you sink the network. 104 00:09:51,226 --> 00:09:53,820 But we wish you only the best. 105 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,525 Of course. 106 00:10:29,698 --> 00:10:34,533 Thank you for being so classy and taking this so well. 107 00:11:00,228 --> 00:11:04,426 Joanna, we just wanted to say that this is so not fair. 108 00:11:09,671 --> 00:11:11,935 Goodbye, everybody! 109 00:11:12,507 --> 00:11:14,441 All the best! 110 00:11:43,538 --> 00:11:45,005 Jo? 111 00:11:47,542 --> 00:11:49,203 Walter. 112 00:11:50,011 --> 00:11:53,572 - What happened? - Well, 113 00:11:53,815 --> 00:11:56,875 you've had a complete nervous collapse. 114 00:11:57,318 --> 00:11:59,081 And the doctors say there's a lot of work to do, 115 00:11:59,287 --> 00:12:01,551 but you're gonna be just fine. 116 00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:05,749 Oh, and Pete made this for you. 117 00:12:07,195 --> 00:12:10,062 - Oh, that's so sweet. - Isn't it? 118 00:12:10,265 --> 00:12:13,462 And I wanted you to know that the minute I heard the news, 119 00:12:13,668 --> 00:12:16,603 I called the network and I quit. 120 00:12:16,838 --> 00:12:20,274 - You did that for me? - Of course. 121 00:12:20,508 --> 00:12:23,306 I know I was only a vice president, 122 00:12:23,511 --> 00:12:26,207 but I could never work for those people, 123 00:12:26,414 --> 00:12:29,542 not after the way they treated you. 124 00:12:29,918 --> 00:12:32,011 Oh, Walter... 125 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,517 And do you remember what today is? 126 00:12:35,824 --> 00:12:37,883 It's our anniversary. 127 00:12:39,127 --> 00:12:42,961 Oh, Walter... 128 00:12:44,799 --> 00:12:47,393 ...l'm so sorry. 129 00:12:47,769 --> 00:12:51,170 Maybe that man who tried to shoot me, maybe he was right. 130 00:12:51,372 --> 00:12:53,431 Maybe I've become the wrong kind of woman. 131 00:12:53,641 --> 00:12:57,042 Maybe I've made all of the wrong decisions. 132 00:12:57,779 --> 00:13:02,113 Could we get away and start over? 133 00:13:02,317 --> 00:13:06,014 And get it right, our marriage? 134 00:13:12,894 --> 00:13:15,260 - But why are we moving? - To Connecticut? 135 00:13:15,597 --> 00:13:18,691 We're moving so that we can all kick back and have a great new life 136 00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:21,698 in this beautiful new town. 137 00:13:38,219 --> 00:13:40,551 - Name? - Kresby. 138 00:13:40,755 --> 00:13:43,246 - Welcome to Stepford. - Thanks. 139 00:14:27,135 --> 00:14:29,365 - What do you think, guys? - Cool. 140 00:14:29,637 --> 00:14:31,935 - Good. - Honey? 141 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:44,008 Hello, everyone. I'm Mrs. Wellington. 142 00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:46,219 Welcome to Stepford. 143 00:14:46,421 --> 00:14:49,447 I'm with Stepford Realty. We spoke on the phone. 144 00:14:49,657 --> 00:14:51,921 - You must be Walter. - So nice to meet you in person. 145 00:14:52,193 --> 00:14:53,717 And the little ones. 146 00:14:53,928 --> 00:14:55,190 I bet you're Pete. 147 00:14:55,563 --> 00:14:57,053 - Duh. - Pete. 148 00:14:57,565 --> 00:14:59,863 And he's every bit as handsome as his dad. 149 00:15:00,268 --> 00:15:01,565 Thank you. 150 00:15:01,769 --> 00:15:04,966 And Kimberly, aren't you just the cutest little bug's ear. 151 00:15:05,206 --> 00:15:06,195 Bugs don't have ears. 152 00:15:07,275 --> 00:15:10,733 Isn't she sassy, and a little sad. 153 00:15:11,546 --> 00:15:14,174 And this must be Joanna. 154 00:15:14,449 --> 00:15:17,612 - Electroshock? - But she's doing great. 155 00:15:18,086 --> 00:15:20,418 Hello, little Energizer. 156 00:15:21,122 --> 00:15:26,150 The minute Walter called, I knew this was the perfect house for you. 157 00:15:26,394 --> 00:15:29,363 It's the top of the line here at Stepford Estates, 158 00:15:29,564 --> 00:15:32,897 and it's got everything an American family could ever need. 159 00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:36,334 - And may I present to you... - Look at this. 160 00:15:36,738 --> 00:15:39,263 - This is amazing. ...the great room. 161 00:15:39,674 --> 00:15:41,801 I call it cozy. 162 00:15:42,844 --> 00:15:48,339 And it's also a smart house. Now, this controls the security system. 163 00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:56,047 - All secure. - It talks to the refrigerator. 164 00:15:56,291 --> 00:16:00,625 We need juice, we need juice, we need juice. 165 00:16:00,828 --> 00:16:03,490 The system also monitors all the commodes. 166 00:16:03,731 --> 00:16:07,167 Where it will test your urine for blood sugar, protein and body fat. 167 00:16:07,702 --> 00:16:10,170 Flush toilets. 168 00:16:11,439 --> 00:16:12,633 Isn't that great, kids? 169 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:16,105 - I'm gonna go check my room. - Me too. 170 00:16:17,211 --> 00:16:18,872 Now, Walter, will you be commuting? 171 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,547 No. 172 00:16:22,150 --> 00:16:25,381 No, Joanna and I both left the network. 173 00:16:26,154 --> 00:16:27,553 Oh, look, it's the puppy. 174 00:16:27,755 --> 00:16:31,953 Robo Rover 3000. Come on, boy. Come on, come on, come on. 175 00:17:50,004 --> 00:17:51,437 Joanna. 176 00:17:51,773 --> 00:17:54,105 The town is over 200 years old. 177 00:17:54,342 --> 00:17:58,073 It was founded by George Washington, and Martha just loved it. 178 00:17:58,813 --> 00:18:01,043 Stepford is Connecticut's family paradise. 179 00:18:01,249 --> 00:18:04,412 It has no crime, no poverty and no pushing. 180 00:18:08,022 --> 00:18:10,616 What is that? Up on the hill? 181 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:13,657 Well, that's our Stepford Men's Association. 182 00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:17,388 Where all our wonderful guys can get together and stay out of our hair. 183 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,665 Am I right? 184 00:18:20,868 --> 00:18:24,668 - Where do the women go? - To the Simply Stepford Day Spa. 185 00:18:36,884 --> 00:18:41,150 - Good morning, ladies. - Good morning, Claire. 186 00:18:41,355 --> 00:18:46,418 I would like you all to welcome our newest citizen to Stepford: Joanna. 187 00:18:46,928 --> 00:18:50,056 Good morning, Joanna. 188 00:18:51,099 --> 00:18:55,468 - Are we ready to work out? - Oh, yes. 189 00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:58,366 Places and poles, please. 190 00:19:06,848 --> 00:19:09,749 Wait, you work out dressed like this? 191 00:19:09,951 --> 00:19:15,787 Well, of course. Whatever we do, we always want to look our very best. 192 00:19:15,990 --> 00:19:19,824 I mean, why, imagine if our husbands saw us 193 00:19:20,128 --> 00:19:22,187 in worn, dark, urban sweat clothes 194 00:19:22,396 --> 00:19:25,763 with stringy hair and almost no makeup? 195 00:19:25,967 --> 00:19:27,298 Oh, good heavens. 196 00:19:27,502 --> 00:19:28,833 Now, 197 00:19:29,103 --> 00:19:32,072 today you are in for a special treat 198 00:19:32,273 --> 00:19:34,400 because we are working on a series of exercises 199 00:19:34,609 --> 00:19:38,375 which I've personally invented, based on simple household tasks. 200 00:19:38,679 --> 00:19:40,840 I call my program Clairobics. 201 00:19:41,048 --> 00:19:42,982 Because her name is Claire. 202 00:19:44,752 --> 00:19:48,085 All right, now it's time to slim and scrub. 203 00:19:48,356 --> 00:19:52,122 Let's all be washing machines. And... 204 00:19:57,198 --> 00:19:58,187 And... 205 00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:04,198 Come on, Joanna. 206 00:20:05,473 --> 00:20:08,135 Spin cycle, ladies, and... 207 00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:10,468 And... 208 00:20:10,678 --> 00:20:12,202 And... 209 00:20:12,513 --> 00:20:13,810 And... 210 00:20:18,619 --> 00:20:21,486 - Sweet. - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Who's the man? 211 00:20:21,689 --> 00:20:22,951 You the man. 212 00:20:23,157 --> 00:20:25,182 Thank you, dear. 213 00:21:05,366 --> 00:21:06,333 Walter? 214 00:21:06,534 --> 00:21:08,024 - Hey, how you doing? - Walter Kresby. 215 00:21:08,236 --> 00:21:09,533 - Good to see you. - Ted Van Sant. 216 00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:11,533 I'm Stan Peters. Come on in, come on in. 217 00:21:11,739 --> 00:21:13,468 - Mike said you were coming. - Nice to see you. 218 00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:14,902 Come on in. 219 00:21:17,237 --> 00:21:21,537 Hear ye, hear ye. Come one, come all, and happy Fourth of July. 220 00:21:21,742 --> 00:21:25,769 At 1:30 will be the children's Stars and Stripes, face painting... 221 00:21:25,979 --> 00:21:27,378 Isn't this great? 222 00:21:27,581 --> 00:21:30,812 A real old-fashioned town picnic. Can't get this in Manhattan. 223 00:21:31,017 --> 00:21:32,848 Which is why we're gonna stay exactly ten minutes. 224 00:21:33,053 --> 00:21:35,613 We're gonna make an appearance, and then we're gonna get out of here. 225 00:21:35,822 --> 00:21:39,656 Kids, I'm really sorry about all of this, but let's try and have fun. 226 00:21:40,093 --> 00:21:41,526 Mom, it's a picnic. 227 00:21:41,862 --> 00:21:44,854 - Chill. - Go ahead, go ahead, have fun. 228 00:21:45,165 --> 00:21:46,723 Ten minutes? 229 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,490 Walter, you just don't get it. 230 00:21:48,702 --> 00:21:51,102 These women are like deranged-flight-attendant friendly. 231 00:21:51,304 --> 00:21:54,637 - They're gonna be all over me. - Joanna! 232 00:21:55,375 --> 00:21:56,637 Here we go. 233 00:21:56,843 --> 00:21:59,778 - Oh, Joanna. - Joanna, hi. 234 00:22:01,314 --> 00:22:04,283 - Hi, Walter. - Hi. 235 00:22:04,484 --> 00:22:07,351 - You look great. - I love you in khakis. 236 00:22:08,989 --> 00:22:11,822 They're new, a little experiment. 237 00:22:12,025 --> 00:22:14,585 Now I know why they call it Banana Republic. 238 00:22:16,797 --> 00:22:19,288 Excuse me. Excuse me! 239 00:22:19,499 --> 00:22:21,831 Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me. 240 00:22:22,269 --> 00:22:25,067 Excuse me. Excuse me. 241 00:22:25,372 --> 00:22:26,771 Excuse me. 242 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,004 Am I the only one who finds all of this more than a little disturbing? 243 00:22:30,210 --> 00:22:31,905 We are celebrating our nation's birthday, 244 00:22:32,112 --> 00:22:33,909 but there are almost no African-Americans, 245 00:22:34,114 --> 00:22:36,207 no Native Americans, no Asian Americans, 246 00:22:36,416 --> 00:22:38,145 and... Oh, my God. 247 00:22:38,819 --> 00:22:42,687 Hey, you're Joanna Eberhart. You got such a raw deal. 248 00:22:42,889 --> 00:22:44,481 Aren't you Bobbie Markowitz? 249 00:22:44,691 --> 00:22:47,091 I love your books, especially the last one. What was it called? 250 00:22:47,294 --> 00:22:49,057 It was about your relationship with your mother. 251 00:22:49,262 --> 00:22:52,959 - I Love You But Please Die. - Hey, baby. Baby. 252 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,430 Look what I did, look. 253 00:22:57,037 --> 00:22:59,597 Happy Fourth of July, everybody. 254 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,740 Excuse me. Is this guy bothering you? 255 00:23:01,942 --> 00:23:04,638 - Yes, he's my husband. - Hey Kresbo-Man. 256 00:23:04,845 --> 00:23:07,245 - Hey, Dave. - How do you know each other? 257 00:23:07,447 --> 00:23:09,312 - Men's Association. - That place. 258 00:23:09,516 --> 00:23:11,609 - Did you finish the laundry? - No, I finished a chapter. 259 00:23:11,818 --> 00:23:13,308 - Did you make the sandwiches? - Did you? 260 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:14,714 - Where are the kids? - What kids? 261 00:23:14,921 --> 00:23:15,945 Our kids. 262 00:23:16,156 --> 00:23:17,783 - Hey, are you two OK? - We're fine. 263 00:23:18,024 --> 00:23:20,652 - Come on, I need a cookie. - See what I mean? 264 00:23:20,861 --> 00:23:24,160 Jerry... Jerry, it's a bake sale, an actual bake sale. 265 00:23:24,364 --> 00:23:26,924 It's like some heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian 266 00:23:27,133 --> 00:23:28,998 in the Hall of Homemakers. 267 00:23:29,236 --> 00:23:32,899 Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. 268 00:23:33,106 --> 00:23:34,437 That is not cobbler. 269 00:23:34,641 --> 00:23:37,735 Roger, could we...? Could we reel it in, like, a couple of hundred yards? 270 00:23:37,978 --> 00:23:39,570 How do you ladies keep your figures? 271 00:23:39,779 --> 00:23:42,009 Is there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere? 272 00:23:42,215 --> 00:23:43,409 - But worth it? - Roger. 273 00:23:43,617 --> 00:23:44,675 Oh, I'm sorry. 274 00:23:45,018 --> 00:23:46,918 - That is... - This is fabulous. 275 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,520 Jerry thinks that I overdo, you know, everything. 276 00:23:49,723 --> 00:23:53,318 Excuse me, aren't you Roger Bannister? 277 00:23:53,527 --> 00:23:55,017 The amazing architect from The Times? 278 00:23:55,228 --> 00:23:56,559 Oh, thank you. This is Jerry Harmon. 279 00:23:56,763 --> 00:23:58,025 - Hi. - Corporate attorney. 280 00:23:58,231 --> 00:23:59,858 But he's getting the help that he needs. 281 00:24:00,066 --> 00:24:01,124 - Stop it. - You stop it. 282 00:24:01,334 --> 00:24:03,393 - We're new. - Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart. 283 00:24:03,603 --> 00:24:06,071 - I love the shows. - Oh, thank you. 284 00:24:06,339 --> 00:24:09,069 And Bobbie Markowitz. Love the books. 285 00:24:09,276 --> 00:24:11,244 Jerry, how did this happen? Where did you come from? 286 00:24:11,444 --> 00:24:13,537 I mean, right here in Stepford. 287 00:24:13,747 --> 00:24:14,907 People. 288 00:24:16,950 --> 00:24:20,317 Attention, attention, Fourth of July funsters, 289 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,681 grab your partners because it's time 290 00:24:22,889 --> 00:24:27,826 for some sizzling Stepford square dancing, so come on in. 291 00:24:28,094 --> 00:24:29,857 - Square dancing? - Cowgirls? 292 00:24:30,096 --> 00:24:33,998 - We're in hell. - Come on, Bobbie. 293 00:24:44,778 --> 00:24:47,076 - Howdy. - Howdy. 294 00:24:47,781 --> 00:24:49,510 OK, everybody ready to kick up your heels 295 00:24:49,716 --> 00:24:52,913 for some barn-busting Stepford high-stepping? 296 00:24:54,888 --> 00:24:55,980 OK. 297 00:24:56,189 --> 00:24:58,453 Bow to your partners Lose your cares 298 00:25:01,294 --> 00:25:04,991 - There you go. - Stepford stallions love their mares 299 00:25:07,033 --> 00:25:10,230 All men left, all men right 300 00:25:11,037 --> 00:25:13,733 Rope that filly, she won't bite 301 00:25:15,175 --> 00:25:18,167 All join hands and circle sweet 302 00:25:19,212 --> 00:25:22,079 Please your cowboy with your feet 303 00:25:29,956 --> 00:25:32,925 - Nice shirt, Stan. - Thanks. 304 00:25:55,915 --> 00:25:59,180 Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, 305 00:25:59,386 --> 00:26:00,751 yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, 306 00:26:00,954 --> 00:26:02,148 - yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, - Honey. 307 00:26:02,555 --> 00:26:04,352 - yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay. - Calm down. 308 00:26:04,557 --> 00:26:06,718 Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, 309 00:26:06,926 --> 00:26:09,520 - Whoa, back up, guy. - do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do... 310 00:26:11,698 --> 00:26:12,926 Jesus. 311 00:26:13,133 --> 00:26:14,930 Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do. 312 00:26:15,135 --> 00:26:17,797 - Excuse me. Excuse me. - Is she all right? 313 00:26:18,304 --> 00:26:21,068 - It's OK. - Excuse me. 314 00:26:21,574 --> 00:26:24,202 - Do-si-do. - All right. OK. Don't try to move her. 315 00:26:24,778 --> 00:26:26,370 - She's drunk. - There's no need, thank you. 316 00:26:26,579 --> 00:26:27,671 - She's blond. - I'm her husband. 317 00:26:27,881 --> 00:26:28,848 - Do-si-do. - Jo, you're not a doctor. 318 00:26:29,149 --> 00:26:29,249 Walter, I can take care of this. I ran a network. 319 00:26:29,249 --> 00:26:31,979 Walter, I can take care of this. I ran a network. 320 00:26:32,185 --> 00:26:33,447 - Somebody call 911. - Mike's here. 321 00:26:33,653 --> 00:26:35,018 Mike. 322 00:26:35,855 --> 00:26:37,413 - Mike. - Do-si-do. 323 00:26:38,725 --> 00:26:41,285 Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do. 324 00:26:41,494 --> 00:26:43,359 - Mike. - It's OK. I'm here. 325 00:26:43,863 --> 00:26:45,023 Walter, the missus. 326 00:26:45,231 --> 00:26:46,858 - The missus? - Jo, Jo. 327 00:26:47,067 --> 00:26:49,160 Walter, what is your problem? 328 00:26:49,402 --> 00:26:51,370 - Excuse me. - Stand back, please. 329 00:26:51,838 --> 00:26:56,275 - Hey! Excuse... - Excuse me. 330 00:26:59,979 --> 00:27:02,709 - What was that? - Herb, Dave, 331 00:27:03,016 --> 00:27:05,610 give me a hand, and we'll get Sarah right into my Hummer. 332 00:27:05,819 --> 00:27:07,878 - Your Hummer? - It's a sweet ride. 333 00:27:08,088 --> 00:27:09,885 - It's roomy. - Here you go. 334 00:27:10,090 --> 00:27:12,388 We need an ambulance. You shouldn't be moving her. 335 00:27:12,926 --> 00:27:15,759 She might need oxygen, paramedics. 336 00:27:15,962 --> 00:27:18,260 Everything isn't always about you, Jo. 337 00:27:18,465 --> 00:27:19,955 Walter. 338 00:27:20,166 --> 00:27:24,830 She'll be fine. It's too much sun. She's dehydrated. 339 00:27:25,038 --> 00:27:28,940 - Dehydrated? Are you crazy? - Jo. I'm sorry about this, Mike. 340 00:27:29,476 --> 00:27:34,277 Joanna. Joanna, this is a very special moment. 341 00:27:34,481 --> 00:27:36,847 - I would like you to meet... - Mike Wellington. 342 00:27:37,050 --> 00:27:38,677 My husband. 343 00:27:38,885 --> 00:27:40,978 - Oh... - And you must be the famous Joanna. 344 00:27:41,187 --> 00:27:43,382 You're even prettier than in the newspapers. 345 00:27:43,590 --> 00:27:46,150 - They don't do you justice. - Excuse me, that woman is very sick. 346 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,020 Thank you. I should be going with her. 347 00:27:48,228 --> 00:27:51,197 She'll get all the help she needs. Trust me, little lady. 348 00:27:57,470 --> 00:28:02,032 That woman had a seizure, and she was practically levitating. 349 00:28:02,242 --> 00:28:05,643 And I have told you five million times I phoned Herb. 350 00:28:05,879 --> 00:28:07,779 He said that Sarah is fine. 351 00:28:07,981 --> 00:28:10,449 She just needed some fluids, just like Mike said. 352 00:28:10,650 --> 00:28:13,983 - She was sparking, Walter. - She was dancing. 353 00:28:14,187 --> 00:28:17,588 Then why wasn't there a doctor anywhere? And why...? 354 00:28:19,492 --> 00:28:20,925 Why...? 355 00:28:22,328 --> 00:28:24,922 Walter! Walter! And why did everyone 356 00:28:25,131 --> 00:28:26,894 just automatically listen to that Mike person? 357 00:28:27,100 --> 00:28:29,295 And why, why was everyone just standing there? 358 00:28:29,502 --> 00:28:31,333 You mean why weren't they just listening to you? 359 00:28:31,704 --> 00:28:35,037 - That's not what I'm saying! - Jesus Christ, Joanna! 360 00:28:35,241 --> 00:28:37,175 - What? - You were fired, 361 00:28:37,377 --> 00:28:40,505 your kids barely know you, and our marriage is falling apart. 362 00:28:40,713 --> 00:28:43,477 And your whole attitude makes people want to kill you. 363 00:28:43,683 --> 00:28:46,345 It makes people try to kill you. 364 00:28:46,553 --> 00:28:47,918 That's what we're doing here. 365 00:28:48,121 --> 00:28:50,385 The people in this town have been nothing 366 00:28:50,590 --> 00:28:53,821 but friendly and welcoming and wonderful to you. 367 00:28:54,127 --> 00:28:56,687 And you've been nothing but snide and suspicious. 368 00:28:57,130 --> 00:28:59,360 And on top of that, at the picnic you humiliated me. 369 00:28:59,566 --> 00:29:00,760 Well, I can't do it anymore. 370 00:29:00,967 --> 00:29:05,427 I can't keep fighting you for every inch of everything. Game over. 371 00:29:05,638 --> 00:29:08,664 - Marriage over. - Oh, no! 372 00:29:09,275 --> 00:29:10,674 - No! - No what? 373 00:29:11,010 --> 00:29:12,671 Please don't go. 374 00:29:12,879 --> 00:29:15,177 - Why not? - Because you're right. 375 00:29:18,418 --> 00:29:21,819 Wait, I'm sorry. I don't think I heard that. What did you just say? 376 00:29:24,591 --> 00:29:26,559 I said, you're right. 377 00:29:27,193 --> 00:29:28,251 About? 378 00:29:28,928 --> 00:29:30,919 About everything. 379 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,264 About me. 380 00:30:02,428 --> 00:30:05,192 Do you know why I signed on at the network? 381 00:30:06,699 --> 00:30:10,226 Because I thought that if I was around, I could help you lighten up. 382 00:30:11,004 --> 00:30:12,767 You did? 383 00:30:13,206 --> 00:30:15,401 Yeah, I did. What was that one show called? 384 00:30:15,675 --> 00:30:17,074 I Can Do Everybody? 385 00:30:17,911 --> 00:30:21,347 See, that's what I mean. I wanted to make you laugh. 386 00:30:23,249 --> 00:30:25,877 That's so sweet, but I... 387 00:30:27,053 --> 00:30:32,457 I was busy. I was running a network, Walter. 388 00:30:32,692 --> 00:30:35,160 You were so busy that we haven't made love in over a year. 389 00:30:35,361 --> 00:30:38,956 - I know. I... - Well, I miss you. 390 00:30:40,166 --> 00:30:44,398 But I've always loved you so much. I... 391 00:30:45,538 --> 00:30:47,403 You know that. 392 00:30:48,241 --> 00:30:49,868 Why? 393 00:30:51,144 --> 00:30:53,635 Because... Because... 394 00:30:54,781 --> 00:30:56,749 ...you're goofy, and you're... 395 00:30:57,750 --> 00:31:00,719 You're handsome, and you're... You're... 396 00:31:01,154 --> 00:31:03,622 You're my Walter. 397 00:31:05,191 --> 00:31:07,557 And because when you play computer chess 398 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:09,523 you do that little... 399 00:31:09,762 --> 00:31:13,664 - You do that little victory dance. - I do not. I don't do that. 400 00:31:13,866 --> 00:31:16,562 - Yes, you do. - No, I don't. 401 00:31:22,008 --> 00:31:25,000 But if I'm not the smartest 402 00:31:25,211 --> 00:31:27,372 and the best of the best and the most successful, 403 00:31:27,613 --> 00:31:29,911 then I don't know, who am I? 404 00:31:30,450 --> 00:31:32,350 You wanna find out? 405 00:31:34,220 --> 00:31:35,482 How? 406 00:31:37,323 --> 00:31:40,417 First of all, we're in the country now, so no more black. 407 00:31:40,626 --> 00:31:43,117 - No more black? Are you insane? - You heard me. 408 00:31:43,329 --> 00:31:45,160 Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, 409 00:31:45,365 --> 00:31:48,664 Manhattan career bitches wear black. Is that what you wanna be? 410 00:31:49,736 --> 00:31:52,364 Ever since I was a little girl. 411 00:31:56,409 --> 00:31:58,900 Do I really look OK? 412 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,077 Can I be honest? 413 00:32:03,750 --> 00:32:05,877 - You look kind of like Betty Crocker. - I know. 414 00:32:06,452 --> 00:32:08,682 - At Betty Ford. - We need milk. 415 00:32:08,888 --> 00:32:11,254 - We need milk. We need milk. - Thank you. 416 00:32:11,491 --> 00:32:14,016 Look, I'm trying to make an effort to change. 417 00:32:14,227 --> 00:32:16,195 I mean, last night my husband was a different person. 418 00:32:16,396 --> 00:32:19,797 He was strong, he was forceful, he was commanding. 419 00:32:19,999 --> 00:32:21,489 Like your refrigerator. 420 00:32:21,768 --> 00:32:24,362 Well, nobody said it was gonna be easy being a homemaker 421 00:32:24,570 --> 00:32:26,094 and a stay-at-home mom. 422 00:32:26,572 --> 00:32:28,767 It's the toughest job in the world, right? 423 00:32:28,975 --> 00:32:31,000 Well, that may be, but these Stepford women, 424 00:32:31,210 --> 00:32:33,576 - they're a whole other dimension. - Oh, like yesterday, 425 00:32:33,780 --> 00:32:36,214 that poor lady, Sarah Sunderson. 426 00:32:36,416 --> 00:32:37,940 Walter said she's fine. 427 00:32:38,151 --> 00:32:40,176 But you said she was shooting off sparks from her ears. 428 00:32:40,386 --> 00:32:41,876 - Now, that's the first sign. - Of what? 429 00:32:42,088 --> 00:32:43,817 Cheap jewelry. 430 00:32:44,457 --> 00:32:47,085 - We should go see her. - Why? 431 00:32:47,293 --> 00:32:49,386 Because we need to be supportive. 432 00:32:49,595 --> 00:32:51,586 That's how people behave outside of Manhattan. 433 00:32:51,831 --> 00:32:53,128 They care about each other. 434 00:32:53,399 --> 00:32:55,890 I mean, if you were in New York and one of your neighbors got sick 435 00:32:56,102 --> 00:32:57,433 - what would you do? - We'd call her. 436 00:32:57,637 --> 00:33:00,105 - To see if she was gonna die. - So we could get the apartment. 437 00:33:00,406 --> 00:33:03,273 Let's go. Up. Up. Up. 438 00:33:05,645 --> 00:33:07,442 Sarah? 439 00:33:08,581 --> 00:33:12,210 - Yoo-hoo. - Yoo-hoo? Is she in there? 440 00:33:12,418 --> 00:33:13,783 - What are you doing? - It's open. 441 00:33:13,986 --> 00:33:16,181 - That's amazing. - So sweet. 442 00:33:16,389 --> 00:33:18,050 And so trusting. 443 00:33:21,994 --> 00:33:23,291 Roger. 444 00:33:23,496 --> 00:33:24,895 Roger. 445 00:33:25,098 --> 00:33:27,965 - Look at this place. - Wow. 446 00:33:28,167 --> 00:33:31,534 - Sarah? - Sarah? 447 00:33:35,641 --> 00:33:37,541 Roger. 448 00:33:40,446 --> 00:33:42,676 Oh, Herb. 449 00:33:43,049 --> 00:33:47,076 - Oh, baby. - Oh, yes. Oh, yes. 450 00:33:47,286 --> 00:33:49,686 - Make me beg! - Yeah! 451 00:33:50,857 --> 00:33:53,417 Oh, I'm so lucky! 452 00:33:53,860 --> 00:33:55,919 - Oh, my God. - Is that a DVD? 453 00:33:56,129 --> 00:33:58,563 No, it's them. 454 00:34:00,833 --> 00:34:03,358 Oh, you're the king! 455 00:34:04,804 --> 00:34:06,669 Yes! 456 00:34:21,687 --> 00:34:24,212 - I'm going up there. - Why? 457 00:34:24,423 --> 00:34:25,856 - Roger! - I want some. 458 00:34:26,058 --> 00:34:28,686 - Roger. - Roger. 459 00:34:36,502 --> 00:34:40,233 - Baby, grab me some nachos. - Yes, dear. 460 00:34:45,144 --> 00:34:46,941 What's this? 461 00:34:49,148 --> 00:34:51,742 - Roger, put it down. - What? Oh, come on. 462 00:34:51,951 --> 00:34:53,919 - Roger. - Why does it say Sarah? 463 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:55,382 Roger, you should put it down now. 464 00:34:55,588 --> 00:34:57,351 - Let's get out of here. - This isn't our house. 465 00:34:57,557 --> 00:34:59,252 Oh, stop. Would you just quit? 466 00:34:59,692 --> 00:35:02,627 - We have to, Roger. - For God's sake, we're trespassing. 467 00:35:02,828 --> 00:35:04,625 We have to get out of here. 468 00:35:04,830 --> 00:35:06,957 - Put it down. Come on. - OK, let's try and use this. 469 00:35:07,166 --> 00:35:09,430 We have to go. 470 00:35:26,852 --> 00:35:28,843 I'm so embarrassed. 471 00:35:29,055 --> 00:35:31,888 I'm mortified. I'm famished. 472 00:35:36,062 --> 00:35:38,155 - Bobbie. - Yeah? 473 00:35:38,798 --> 00:35:41,096 - Are you making anthrax? - Excuse me. 474 00:35:41,300 --> 00:35:42,597 I've been busy. My new book. 475 00:35:42,802 --> 00:35:44,895 But can't you hire someone to clean? 476 00:35:45,104 --> 00:35:46,298 Someone brave? 477 00:35:46,505 --> 00:35:49,099 Dave says I got to do it myself, like Sarah Sunderson. 478 00:35:49,308 --> 00:35:52,300 - Oh, could you believe her? - But, darling, her home is spotless. 479 00:35:52,945 --> 00:35:55,505 And she's having incredible sex in the middle of the day 480 00:35:55,715 --> 00:35:56,909 with her husband. 481 00:35:57,116 --> 00:35:59,949 Well, I'm sorry, but my shrink says I need creative chaos. 482 00:36:00,152 --> 00:36:02,450 - My therapist says I need boundaries. - My doctor said I need 483 00:36:02,655 --> 00:36:05,385 enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas. 484 00:36:05,591 --> 00:36:07,582 - You ever done Zoloft? - Kid stuff. 485 00:36:07,793 --> 00:36:11,194 Xanax. I worship Xanax. I'm old-fashioned. 486 00:36:11,397 --> 00:36:13,297 I like Prozac with a Viagra chaser. 487 00:36:13,499 --> 00:36:15,490 You're up, and you're up. 488 00:36:15,701 --> 00:36:19,262 - Oh, Roger. - Viagra. 489 00:36:19,472 --> 00:36:22,669 Hey, is there something that you need to tell us? 490 00:36:22,875 --> 00:36:25,742 Well... Sharing. 491 00:36:25,945 --> 00:36:28,641 OK. OK. 492 00:36:30,783 --> 00:36:33,183 Jerry and I have been in couple's counseling... 493 00:36:33,386 --> 00:36:35,411 ...for over a year... 494 00:36:35,621 --> 00:36:38,454 ...and finally... Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. 495 00:36:38,658 --> 00:36:41,627 I howled, "You've become a gay Republican." 496 00:36:42,328 --> 00:36:44,728 And he said, "What's wrong with that?" 497 00:36:45,431 --> 00:36:46,693 I said, "What's wrong with that? 498 00:36:46,899 --> 00:36:48,867 "That's like wanting to be gay with a bad haircut." 499 00:36:49,068 --> 00:36:50,365 Exactly. 500 00:36:50,569 --> 00:36:53,538 So the counselor suggested that we move to the 'burbs. 501 00:36:53,739 --> 00:36:56,537 - To find a balance. - We moved here as a last resort. 502 00:36:57,276 --> 00:36:59,506 Court order. Don't ask. 503 00:36:59,712 --> 00:37:02,579 OK. I know this is unthinkable, 504 00:37:02,782 --> 00:37:07,242 but what if we could actually learn how to be happy... 505 00:37:07,453 --> 00:37:11,184 ...without Paxil or compulsive overeating? 506 00:37:11,390 --> 00:37:14,757 What if we actually gave this whole thing a try for real, 507 00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:16,552 the whole Stepford thing? 508 00:37:35,481 --> 00:37:38,644 - Hey, yeah! - Only one can survive. 509 00:37:38,851 --> 00:37:41,684 Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! 510 00:37:41,887 --> 00:37:44,048 Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! 511 00:37:44,256 --> 00:37:48,625 - Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! - Come on, Kresbo baby. 512 00:37:48,828 --> 00:37:50,056 - Zeus! Zeus! - Rip her bra off! 513 00:37:50,262 --> 00:37:52,253 Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! 514 00:37:52,465 --> 00:37:53,591 Yeah! 515 00:37:53,799 --> 00:37:58,259 - Yeah! - Zeus rules the universe! 516 00:37:59,839 --> 00:38:03,798 And Ted owes Walter 20 big ones! 517 00:38:04,543 --> 00:38:06,443 Ah, to be a man. 518 00:38:10,783 --> 00:38:13,251 So, Walt, 519 00:38:13,586 --> 00:38:16,521 you and Stepford, it seems like a real match. 520 00:38:16,722 --> 00:38:22,388 I'll say. I mean, the town and the houses. This place. 521 00:38:22,595 --> 00:38:24,722 Well, it's like a dream. It's like... 522 00:38:24,930 --> 00:38:27,057 Like the way life was meant to be. 523 00:38:27,733 --> 00:38:31,499 And all of your wives. Oh, my God. 524 00:38:31,704 --> 00:38:35,834 Oh, my God. They're so... So... 525 00:38:36,275 --> 00:38:37,833 Sweet? 526 00:38:38,043 --> 00:38:39,635 Sizzling? 527 00:38:39,845 --> 00:38:41,176 Super fine? 528 00:39:04,637 --> 00:39:05,831 Well... 529 00:39:07,306 --> 00:39:10,537 We are all so thrilled to be here at the Stepford Book Club, 530 00:39:10,743 --> 00:39:12,938 I can't tell you. 531 00:39:14,046 --> 00:39:16,879 Now, I have just finished the third volume 532 00:39:17,082 --> 00:39:19,573 of Robert Caro's Life of Lyndon Johnson, 533 00:39:19,785 --> 00:39:24,154 and I am dying for the next installment. 534 00:39:24,723 --> 00:39:26,384 Well... 535 00:39:26,592 --> 00:39:30,926 That's all marvelous, but today we are going to discuss... 536 00:39:31,130 --> 00:39:35,897 Well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read. 537 00:39:36,101 --> 00:39:39,901 Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring. 538 00:39:41,474 --> 00:39:45,171 The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury 539 00:39:45,411 --> 00:39:48,847 of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles. 540 00:39:58,257 --> 00:39:59,451 This book said to me, 541 00:39:59,658 --> 00:40:04,027 "Let's celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with yarn." 542 00:40:06,232 --> 00:40:09,929 Now, Bobbie, we all realize you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable 543 00:40:10,135 --> 00:40:11,762 with this week's book because you're... 544 00:40:11,971 --> 00:40:14,701 - Oh, what's the word I'm looking for? - New? 545 00:40:14,907 --> 00:40:16,374 - Scared? - Cranky? 546 00:40:16,742 --> 00:40:18,937 - Jewish. - Same thing. 547 00:40:19,144 --> 00:40:21,942 But the Heritage Hill series is very inclusive. 548 00:40:22,314 --> 00:40:26,080 In fact, there is a whole chapter about Hanukkah. 549 00:40:26,585 --> 00:40:29,145 I just love the chapter on pinecones. 550 00:40:29,355 --> 00:40:31,789 They're not just for wreaths and centerpieces. 551 00:40:31,991 --> 00:40:35,586 You can use pinecones to create a very special Yuletide menorah. 552 00:40:35,794 --> 00:40:37,625 Your pinecone snowman could be Jewish. 553 00:40:37,830 --> 00:40:39,422 Just add one of those little beanies. 554 00:40:40,099 --> 00:40:42,226 Or maybe I could just use hundreds of pinecones 555 00:40:42,434 --> 00:40:44,629 to spell out the words "Big Jew" 556 00:40:44,837 --> 00:40:49,206 in letters 15 feet tall in the snow in my front yard. 557 00:40:53,579 --> 00:40:56,241 That's a wonderful idea. 558 00:40:56,448 --> 00:40:59,110 - Oh, yes, yes. - That's very wonderful. 559 00:40:59,318 --> 00:41:01,309 - Yes. - She's so smart. 560 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:04,216 I love the idea of creating a life-sized Santa Claus, 561 00:41:04,423 --> 00:41:06,983 - all out of pinecones. - OK, I love that. 562 00:41:07,493 --> 00:41:11,293 I'm going to use a pinecone in my nativity as the baby Jesus. 563 00:41:11,931 --> 00:41:14,593 And I'm going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator 564 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,031 and have a really merry Christmas. 565 00:41:21,173 --> 00:41:23,038 Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus 566 00:41:23,242 --> 00:41:24,766 Right down Santa Claus Lane 567 00:41:25,210 --> 00:41:29,271 He's got a bag that's filled with toys For the boys and girls again 568 00:41:33,218 --> 00:41:36,779 So jump in bed, cover up your head Because Santa Claus comes tonight 569 00:41:36,989 --> 00:41:39,480 - Who? - Santa Claus comes tonight 570 00:41:41,460 --> 00:41:43,894 Joanna, how is she fitting in? 571 00:41:44,096 --> 00:41:45,427 Well... 572 00:41:47,099 --> 00:41:48,794 OK... 573 00:41:49,134 --> 00:41:50,499 I'm among friends, right? 574 00:41:50,703 --> 00:41:51,692 - Of course. - Yeah. 575 00:41:51,904 --> 00:41:53,132 So... 576 00:41:53,906 --> 00:41:57,000 Joanna and I had this big talk, 577 00:41:57,209 --> 00:41:58,733 and we were really open with each other. 578 00:41:58,944 --> 00:42:02,675 I mean, we really got it all out. 579 00:42:02,881 --> 00:42:04,280 And I think from now on... 580 00:42:06,251 --> 00:42:08,446 ...she's gonna be very, very different. 581 00:42:12,958 --> 00:42:16,450 You think Joanna's really going to change? 582 00:42:17,129 --> 00:42:20,121 Yes, I do. Absolutely. 583 00:42:21,333 --> 00:42:23,494 And how long have you been married? 584 00:42:33,112 --> 00:42:34,909 - Ted! - Yes. 585 00:42:35,114 --> 00:42:37,207 Don't you owe Walter $20? 586 00:42:42,955 --> 00:42:45,082 That's absolutely right, I do. 587 00:42:45,924 --> 00:42:47,585 Babe! 588 00:42:56,168 --> 00:42:57,726 Yes, darling? 589 00:42:57,936 --> 00:43:00,905 Walt, sit down. 590 00:43:05,244 --> 00:43:07,075 I need 20. 591 00:43:07,279 --> 00:43:10,180 - You know my PIN. - Of course. 592 00:43:59,565 --> 00:44:01,328 She gives singles. 593 00:44:33,465 --> 00:44:35,365 Are these all for day camp tomorrow? 594 00:44:35,567 --> 00:44:38,798 I just want you to be proud of me, honey. 595 00:44:39,805 --> 00:44:41,602 Dad, watch this. 596 00:44:41,807 --> 00:44:43,604 Ball. 597 00:44:46,211 --> 00:44:50,170 - Aren't robots cool? - Oh, yeah. 598 00:44:50,582 --> 00:44:52,982 May I speak to the man of the house? 599 00:44:53,519 --> 00:44:55,612 - Snot-butt. - Funkmaster Markowitz. 600 00:44:55,821 --> 00:44:58,847 - Stone-cold Thriller Killer Kresbo. - Cupcakes, anyone? 601 00:44:59,057 --> 00:45:00,888 - Cupcakes! - Cupcakes. 602 00:45:01,093 --> 00:45:02,424 Hey, right on time. 603 00:45:02,628 --> 00:45:04,220 Jo, these are smoking. 604 00:45:04,429 --> 00:45:06,624 - Why don't you make stuff like this? - Why don't you? 605 00:45:06,932 --> 00:45:09,457 Because I have a penis. 606 00:45:09,868 --> 00:45:12,234 - We should get moving. - Yeah, we got a meeting. 607 00:45:12,437 --> 00:45:16,635 - At the Men's Association. - When will you be home, honey? 608 00:45:20,279 --> 00:45:22,270 When I'm home. 609 00:45:42,134 --> 00:45:44,364 Call a sitter. 610 00:45:52,511 --> 00:45:54,672 Bobbie, are you sure about this? 611 00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:58,008 We're not spying. We're just visiting. 612 00:45:58,217 --> 00:46:01,084 Fellas, I can't tell you how happy we are 613 00:46:01,286 --> 00:46:02,617 to welcome all of this new blood. 614 00:46:02,821 --> 00:46:04,516 - You said it, Mike. - That's right. 615 00:46:04,723 --> 00:46:07,351 I love, love this space. 616 00:46:07,793 --> 00:46:10,956 It's very Ralph Lauren meets Sherlock Holmes. 617 00:46:11,163 --> 00:46:12,755 It says, "I have taste and a scrotum." 618 00:46:12,965 --> 00:46:14,159 - Roger, you promised. - What? 619 00:46:14,366 --> 00:46:16,300 - Whore. - Bore. 620 00:46:16,802 --> 00:46:18,064 - Sorry. - No, no, no. 621 00:46:18,270 --> 00:46:21,034 Jerry, you're gonna find that Stepford is very open-minded. 622 00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:23,572 - Oh, yeah. - We welcome you and your partner, 623 00:46:23,775 --> 00:46:25,208 just like any other couple. 624 00:46:25,410 --> 00:46:26,707 Absolutely. Any other. 625 00:46:26,912 --> 00:46:28,573 - That's right. - Girlfriend. 626 00:46:30,582 --> 00:46:33,210 Miss... Miss Thing. 627 00:46:34,286 --> 00:46:37,983 - To Stepford! - Stepford! 628 00:46:40,359 --> 00:46:41,792 You bet. 629 00:46:41,994 --> 00:46:43,484 Yeah. 630 00:46:47,099 --> 00:46:48,498 Damn. Come on, let's go. 631 00:46:48,700 --> 00:46:51,168 You think this is all right, sneaking around? 632 00:46:51,370 --> 00:46:52,735 Add it up. 633 00:46:52,938 --> 00:46:56,738 All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos. 634 00:46:56,942 --> 00:46:59,570 All the men are drooling nerds. 635 00:46:59,778 --> 00:47:01,973 - Doesn't that seem strange? - Not to me. 636 00:47:02,180 --> 00:47:04,148 - Why not? - I work in television. 637 00:47:04,349 --> 00:47:06,442 Oh, come on. 638 00:47:07,219 --> 00:47:09,210 You know, Walter, I think Joanna is right. 639 00:47:09,421 --> 00:47:11,514 - I think Stepford is the answer. - She's a great gal. 640 00:47:11,723 --> 00:47:13,748 Or she will be. 641 00:47:18,864 --> 00:47:22,163 - Come on, help me up. - We shouldn't be here. 642 00:47:22,367 --> 00:47:24,858 Oh, come on. Don't be such a chicken. 643 00:47:25,070 --> 00:47:28,767 - I should be home with my cupcakes. - Why? 644 00:47:28,974 --> 00:47:31,442 Because you only made 5,000 of them? 645 00:47:31,643 --> 00:47:35,739 - We're trespassing. - Only if we get caught. 646 00:47:36,915 --> 00:47:39,213 Damn, I can't see a thing. 647 00:47:39,418 --> 00:47:40,908 Oh, there's the light. There it is. 648 00:47:41,119 --> 00:47:43,349 No, Bobbie. 649 00:47:59,071 --> 00:48:01,369 This is like some alien freak show. 650 00:48:01,573 --> 00:48:03,666 Why? They're just family portraits. 651 00:48:03,875 --> 00:48:05,137 Yeah, that's what I said. 652 00:48:09,915 --> 00:48:11,542 The lights. 653 00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:17,281 We should get out of here. 654 00:48:20,625 --> 00:48:22,525 Should we run? 655 00:48:28,400 --> 00:48:30,027 Oh, my God. 656 00:49:03,468 --> 00:49:05,368 Clarice? 657 00:49:06,505 --> 00:49:08,837 - Hi, girls! - Roger! 658 00:49:09,041 --> 00:49:10,474 You scared us. 659 00:49:10,675 --> 00:49:12,609 - What are you doing in here? - What's going on? 660 00:49:12,811 --> 00:49:15,712 Do they have hookers or old Playboys or cable porn? 661 00:49:15,914 --> 00:49:18,144 Oh, please. They barely have throw pillows. 662 00:49:20,252 --> 00:49:22,379 - They're coming. - The menfolk. 663 00:49:22,587 --> 00:49:24,487 - Call us. - OK. 664 00:49:25,624 --> 00:49:27,387 Rog? 665 00:49:29,494 --> 00:49:31,985 What was it? Did you see anyone? 666 00:49:32,197 --> 00:49:33,391 Not a soul. 667 00:49:33,598 --> 00:49:36,692 But what's back here anyway, in all of these rooms? 668 00:49:36,902 --> 00:49:38,494 Storage? Sweaters? 669 00:49:38,703 --> 00:49:40,102 Bodies? 670 00:49:40,505 --> 00:49:43,941 - Jerry. - Do you see that door on your left? 671 00:49:44,810 --> 00:49:46,641 Check it out. 672 00:49:46,845 --> 00:49:48,506 Oh, boy. 673 00:49:51,883 --> 00:49:54,044 Why, I can't see anything. It's dark. 674 00:49:54,252 --> 00:49:55,617 Use your flashlight. 675 00:49:55,821 --> 00:50:00,053 I feel like Nancy Drew in The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis. 676 00:50:06,798 --> 00:50:08,026 What am I looking for? 677 00:50:08,467 --> 00:50:10,196 Look down. 678 00:50:24,015 --> 00:50:25,812 Jerry? 679 00:50:30,489 --> 00:50:32,548 Roger! 680 00:50:33,992 --> 00:50:35,186 Roger! 681 00:50:35,393 --> 00:50:37,884 - Bobbie. - Roger! 682 00:50:38,096 --> 00:50:41,327 - Bobbie? - Roger! 683 00:50:42,634 --> 00:50:45,762 Roger said there was nothing going on at the Men's Association. 684 00:50:45,971 --> 00:50:47,939 Well, then why doesn't he answer the phone? 685 00:50:48,140 --> 00:50:49,937 - It's been two days. - Bobbie. 686 00:50:50,142 --> 00:50:52,110 Roger! 687 00:50:52,310 --> 00:50:54,210 Roger! 688 00:50:57,516 --> 00:51:01,612 Isn't that his favorite shirt, the Dolce & Gabbana? 689 00:51:06,558 --> 00:51:08,082 The Guccis. 690 00:51:08,293 --> 00:51:10,659 - And the Versace. - Maybe he's donating them. 691 00:51:10,862 --> 00:51:13,194 To what? The gay homeless? 692 00:51:14,132 --> 00:51:15,497 He loved this. 693 00:51:16,768 --> 00:51:19,396 His program from Hairspray. 694 00:51:19,604 --> 00:51:21,572 - Oh, my God. - What is it? 695 00:51:23,875 --> 00:51:25,706 Viggo. 696 00:51:42,894 --> 00:51:45,089 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jerry Harmon, and I... 697 00:51:45,297 --> 00:51:49,734 I know I'm pretty new here, but already I feel so at home. 698 00:51:50,202 --> 00:51:52,067 Why did Jerry ask us to meet him here? 699 00:51:52,637 --> 00:51:57,336 Proud that I can introduce Stepford's brand-new candidate for state senate. 700 00:51:57,542 --> 00:52:02,570 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Roger Bannister. 701 00:52:02,781 --> 00:52:04,214 What? 702 00:52:09,754 --> 00:52:11,449 He's wonderful. 703 00:52:21,366 --> 00:52:22,560 Thank you. 704 00:52:23,101 --> 00:52:25,092 Thank you so much. 705 00:52:25,370 --> 00:52:28,362 You may very well ask, what are my qualifications for higher office? 706 00:52:28,573 --> 00:52:33,875 Well, I believe in Stepford, America and the power of prayer. 707 00:52:34,079 --> 00:52:37,310 Values I've discovered thanks to my partner, 708 00:52:37,515 --> 00:52:40,916 in life and in the Lord, Jerry Harmon. 709 00:52:45,156 --> 00:52:46,680 Roger. Roger. 710 00:52:46,891 --> 00:52:49,121 Yes. Is there a question? Mrs. Markowitz? 711 00:52:50,095 --> 00:52:53,155 So you two are happy now? 712 00:52:53,365 --> 00:52:55,959 More than ever. Because now I know that being gay doesn't mean 713 00:52:56,167 --> 00:53:00,194 a guy has to be effeminate or flamboyant or sensitive. 714 00:53:00,405 --> 00:53:02,202 - I'm no sissy. - No. 715 00:53:02,407 --> 00:53:04,034 - Way to go, Roger! - That's a man! 716 00:53:04,242 --> 00:53:07,439 - Roger? - Yes. Mrs. Walter Kresby. 717 00:53:07,646 --> 00:53:10,114 Roger, I don't understand. You were out there, you were Roger. 718 00:53:10,315 --> 00:53:11,714 And now... 719 00:53:11,916 --> 00:53:13,679 Now you're different. Your hair, your clothes. 720 00:53:13,885 --> 00:53:16,854 - You're like someone else. - People change. 721 00:53:17,055 --> 00:53:18,818 You can't stop Stepford. 722 00:53:19,024 --> 00:53:22,892 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 723 00:53:23,094 --> 00:53:26,393 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 724 00:53:26,598 --> 00:53:29,692 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 725 00:53:29,901 --> 00:53:33,200 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 726 00:53:33,405 --> 00:53:35,896 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 727 00:53:36,107 --> 00:53:39,406 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 728 00:53:39,611 --> 00:53:42,273 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 729 00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:44,971 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 730 00:53:45,183 --> 00:53:48,050 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 731 00:53:48,253 --> 00:53:49,686 So that's why we have to leave Stepford? 732 00:53:49,888 --> 00:53:52,152 - I'm not following. - OK. 733 00:53:52,357 --> 00:53:56,953 Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic. 734 00:53:57,162 --> 00:53:58,925 - And I'm sure he still is. - No. 735 00:53:59,130 --> 00:54:01,997 Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit. 736 00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:04,031 Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay. 737 00:54:04,235 --> 00:54:07,363 Don't try to make him into a stereotype. 738 00:54:08,473 --> 00:54:11,033 Bobbie is right, and she's leaving too. 739 00:54:11,242 --> 00:54:14,109 This place does something to people. 740 00:54:14,746 --> 00:54:18,512 All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling, 741 00:54:18,717 --> 00:54:20,548 and all of the men are always happy. 742 00:54:20,752 --> 00:54:24,711 - And that's a problem because...? - Because it's not normal, Walter. 743 00:54:24,923 --> 00:54:28,222 It's... It's not the world. It's not us. 744 00:54:28,927 --> 00:54:31,589 And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now, 745 00:54:31,796 --> 00:54:34,697 and we're getting out of here. 746 00:54:36,234 --> 00:54:38,759 With or without you. 747 00:54:58,022 --> 00:54:59,956 Secure. 748 00:55:01,259 --> 00:55:03,227 You'll never change, will you? 749 00:55:04,095 --> 00:55:05,926 Not really. 750 00:55:06,131 --> 00:55:07,826 Open the door. 751 00:55:14,606 --> 00:55:16,699 Unlock front. 752 00:55:17,175 --> 00:55:19,075 And you're right. 753 00:55:22,981 --> 00:55:24,471 About what? 754 00:55:26,618 --> 00:55:30,611 If you're that unhappy, then we should move. 755 00:55:30,822 --> 00:55:33,313 Maybe head back to the city. 756 00:55:33,725 --> 00:55:35,989 We could leave tomorrow. 757 00:55:37,629 --> 00:55:39,028 Thank you. 758 00:55:43,401 --> 00:55:44,993 Thank you. 759 00:56:19,771 --> 00:56:23,832 What do you got there? Huh? 760 00:57:35,613 --> 00:57:37,638 Sweetcakes? 761 00:57:38,349 --> 00:57:40,749 It's 4 a.m. What are you up to? 762 00:57:40,952 --> 00:57:44,410 Just recipes for tomorrow. I like to get a head start. 763 00:57:44,622 --> 00:57:47,386 - On what? - Apple pie. Bobbie recommended it. 764 00:57:47,592 --> 00:57:49,492 I'll be right up. 765 00:57:52,530 --> 00:57:53,997 Walter? 766 00:57:55,700 --> 00:57:57,258 Babe? 767 00:58:20,725 --> 00:58:24,286 Bobbie? Bobbie! 768 00:58:27,265 --> 00:58:28,562 Oh, my God. 769 00:58:38,776 --> 00:58:40,607 Bobbie? 770 00:58:54,492 --> 00:58:56,824 Good morning, Joanna. 771 00:59:00,565 --> 00:59:02,294 Isn't it a lovely morning? 772 00:59:04,569 --> 00:59:05,934 That's a pretty color. 773 00:59:06,137 --> 00:59:07,229 - Mom! - Mom! 774 00:59:07,438 --> 00:59:09,429 Good morning, my precious ones. 775 00:59:09,641 --> 00:59:13,236 And thank you for leaving your requests on my e-mail. 776 00:59:13,444 --> 00:59:16,607 Adam, you wanted peanut butter and jelly, no crusts, 777 00:59:16,814 --> 00:59:18,975 a Snickers bar and a Rolex. 778 00:59:19,183 --> 00:59:21,174 Ben, here's a whole-wheat burrito, 779 00:59:21,386 --> 00:59:24,822 a soy protein shake and three pieces of German chocolate layer cake. 780 00:59:25,023 --> 00:59:27,116 - From scratch? - Of course. 781 00:59:27,325 --> 00:59:29,885 And, Max, you get bacon, lettuce and tomato 782 00:59:30,094 --> 00:59:31,891 on a lightly-toasted sesame seed bagel. 783 00:59:32,096 --> 00:59:33,563 But what about my action figures? 784 00:59:33,765 --> 00:59:35,232 There's Mace Windu and Amidala. 785 00:59:35,433 --> 00:59:37,526 - Where's Boba Fett? - They were out. 786 00:59:37,735 --> 00:59:40,533 - Mom! - Here's $500. 787 00:59:41,072 --> 00:59:43,199 All right. 788 00:59:43,408 --> 00:59:45,569 Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna. 789 00:59:45,777 --> 00:59:48,473 Oh, they grow up so fast. I think I'll have three more. 790 00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:51,308 Bobbie, listen to me. What have they done to you, huh? 791 00:59:51,516 --> 00:59:54,246 What have they done to you? Is it drugs? 792 00:59:54,452 --> 00:59:57,910 Is it brainwashing? Come on, hey, talk to me. 793 00:59:58,122 --> 01:00:00,590 Of course, but only for a minute. Then I have to get to work 794 01:00:00,792 --> 01:00:02,817 on this pigsty. Coffee? 795 01:00:03,027 --> 01:00:04,927 No, no coffee. Bobbie, Bobbie. 796 01:00:05,129 --> 01:00:07,927 Last night I went online, all right? And I found out, 797 01:00:08,132 --> 01:00:10,100 all of the women here, they used to be big deals, 798 01:00:10,301 --> 01:00:11,325 I mean, big deals. 799 01:00:11,536 --> 01:00:13,800 CEOs, executives, judges. 800 01:00:14,005 --> 01:00:16,906 Sarah Sunderson, she used to run an airline. 801 01:00:17,108 --> 01:00:19,235 With that perfect skin. 802 01:00:19,444 --> 01:00:21,571 No. No, no, no. She didn't used to look like that. 803 01:00:21,779 --> 01:00:23,440 - None of the women did. They... - Coffee? 804 01:00:23,948 --> 01:00:26,178 Coffee? No. No coffee. 805 01:00:26,384 --> 01:00:30,445 Bobbie. Bobbie. This isn't you. 806 01:00:30,822 --> 01:00:34,189 That's right, Joanna. This isn't me. 807 01:00:34,392 --> 01:00:36,485 It's a whole new me. 808 01:00:36,694 --> 01:00:40,323 I'm happy and I'm healthy because I understand 809 01:00:40,531 --> 01:00:42,522 - what's important in life. - Yes. 810 01:00:42,734 --> 01:00:43,962 - Your new book. - That's right. 811 01:00:44,168 --> 01:00:46,295 That's what's important, my new cookbook. 812 01:00:46,504 --> 01:00:50,065 And my husband and my family and making a perfect home. 813 01:00:50,274 --> 01:00:52,299 It's a lesson every gal needs to learn. 814 01:00:52,510 --> 01:00:53,636 Especially you. 815 01:00:53,845 --> 01:00:56,973 I'm your friend, Joanna. I'm going to help you. 816 01:00:57,181 --> 01:00:58,705 - You need me. - You stay away from me. 817 01:00:58,916 --> 01:01:00,281 You're driven. 818 01:01:00,485 --> 01:01:02,749 - Well, sometimes. - And you're selfish. 819 01:01:03,054 --> 01:01:05,522 - You wanna rule the world. - No. 820 01:01:05,723 --> 01:01:09,159 I can fix you. I can change you. 821 01:01:09,360 --> 01:01:13,854 What... have... they... done to you? 822 01:01:14,699 --> 01:01:16,064 Let's get busy. 823 01:01:18,503 --> 01:01:20,767 Answer the phone. 824 01:01:20,972 --> 01:01:23,907 Hello, is...? Is this the day camp? 825 01:01:24,108 --> 01:01:25,336 Oh. 826 01:01:25,543 --> 01:01:29,707 Yes, this is... This is Joanna Eberhart. I would like to speak to my children. 827 01:01:29,914 --> 01:01:33,008 I'm coming to pick them up right now. 828 01:01:35,286 --> 01:01:36,776 What? 829 01:01:40,691 --> 01:01:42,716 Walter! 830 01:01:43,227 --> 01:01:45,127 Walter, where are you? 831 01:01:45,329 --> 01:01:47,422 I know you've got the kids. 832 01:01:47,632 --> 01:01:49,964 Pete, Kimberly! 833 01:02:52,463 --> 01:02:54,897 Oh, boys. 834 01:02:56,868 --> 01:02:57,926 Welcome. 835 01:03:15,586 --> 01:03:16,917 Where are my children? 836 01:03:17,121 --> 01:03:20,284 - They're perfectly safe. - Where are my children? 837 01:03:21,259 --> 01:03:23,489 - You'll see them soon. - Where's Walter? 838 01:03:30,201 --> 01:03:32,328 How could you do this? 839 01:03:33,204 --> 01:03:37,072 Ever since we met, you've beaten me at everything. 840 01:03:37,275 --> 01:03:38,674 You're better educated. 841 01:03:39,176 --> 01:03:40,973 You're stronger, you're faster. 842 01:03:41,178 --> 01:03:43,510 You're a better dancer, a better tennis player. 843 01:03:43,814 --> 01:03:45,714 You've always earned at least six figures more 844 01:03:45,917 --> 01:03:47,817 than I could ever dream of. 845 01:03:48,219 --> 01:03:49,846 You're a better speaker, 846 01:03:50,054 --> 01:03:52,352 a better executive. 847 01:03:53,190 --> 01:03:55,249 You're even better at sex. Don't deny it. 848 01:03:56,093 --> 01:03:57,993 I wasn't going to. 849 01:03:58,663 --> 01:03:59,960 Well, don't I get anything? 850 01:04:00,164 --> 01:04:01,324 You got me. 851 01:04:01,599 --> 01:04:03,567 No, I got to hold your purse. 852 01:04:03,768 --> 01:04:06,794 I got to tell the kids that you'd be late again. 853 01:04:07,004 --> 01:04:09,529 I got to tell the press that you had no comment. 854 01:04:09,740 --> 01:04:11,105 I got to work for you. 855 01:04:11,309 --> 01:04:12,367 With me. 856 01:04:12,576 --> 01:04:14,476 Under you. 857 01:04:14,745 --> 01:04:16,440 All of us. 858 01:04:16,647 --> 01:04:19,081 We married wonder women. 859 01:04:19,283 --> 01:04:21,148 Supergirls. 860 01:04:21,352 --> 01:04:24,344 Amazon queens. Well, you know what that makes us? 861 01:04:24,722 --> 01:04:28,158 Smart, worthy, lucky. 862 01:04:28,359 --> 01:04:30,122 We're the wuss. 863 01:04:30,861 --> 01:04:32,522 The wind beneath your wings. 864 01:04:32,730 --> 01:04:34,459 Your support system. 865 01:04:34,665 --> 01:04:36,155 - We're the girl. - And we don't like it. 866 01:04:36,367 --> 01:04:37,698 - No, we don't. - Yeah, that's right. 867 01:04:37,902 --> 01:04:39,494 - You're damn right. - Yeah. That's right. 868 01:04:39,704 --> 01:04:41,934 And is this your answer, to kill us? 869 01:04:42,139 --> 01:04:45,597 Oh, no. Nothing like that. We help you. We perfect you. 870 01:04:45,810 --> 01:04:47,471 By turning us into robots? 871 01:04:47,778 --> 01:04:50,713 Does any fraction of these women still exist? 872 01:04:50,915 --> 01:04:54,043 Of course. Almost everything. 873 01:04:54,251 --> 01:04:56,879 - Shall we show her? - Show me what? 874 01:04:57,088 --> 01:05:02,025 It's a promotional thing I've been working on for when we go global. 875 01:05:02,893 --> 01:05:05,487 Walter, I don't think you've seen this. 876 01:05:18,409 --> 01:05:20,673 Some guys ask, how do we do it? 877 01:05:20,878 --> 01:05:24,075 In layman's terms, it's really pretty simple. 878 01:05:24,281 --> 01:05:26,215 Come on along. 879 01:05:33,057 --> 01:05:36,254 First, we take a gloomy, dissatisfied woman. 880 01:05:36,460 --> 01:05:41,193 Then, in a very private experience between husband and wife, 881 01:05:41,399 --> 01:05:46,029 he gently places her in our female improvement system. 882 01:05:47,405 --> 01:05:49,635 It's fully automated. 883 01:05:49,840 --> 01:05:51,808 And then, abracadabra. 884 01:05:52,009 --> 01:05:54,170 Her transformation begins. 885 01:05:54,378 --> 01:05:57,711 First, we locate her brain. 886 01:05:57,915 --> 01:06:00,907 We insert a few nanochips. 887 01:06:01,118 --> 01:06:02,380 Then we program them. 888 01:06:03,454 --> 01:06:06,048 Also, we add some secret, special ingredients. 889 01:06:09,894 --> 01:06:11,691 To avoid any accidents, 890 01:06:11,896 --> 01:06:15,127 her husband is kept at a comfortable distance. 891 01:06:15,332 --> 01:06:17,197 Safety first. 892 01:06:20,704 --> 01:06:22,899 Finally, we enhance her, 893 01:06:23,107 --> 01:06:27,237 to fit the ideal Stepford Wife specifications. 894 01:06:27,445 --> 01:06:28,412 And... 895 01:06:29,713 --> 01:06:31,078 ...voil�! 896 01:06:35,152 --> 01:06:37,643 Everything is copasetic. 897 01:06:40,524 --> 01:06:41,684 Welcome to the future. 898 01:06:46,897 --> 01:06:48,194 It's a painting again. 899 01:06:51,135 --> 01:06:53,035 I should explain. You see, 900 01:06:53,471 --> 01:06:55,632 my real name isn't Mike. 901 01:06:55,840 --> 01:06:58,104 It's just a nickname from where I used to work. 902 01:06:58,476 --> 01:07:00,967 - Where? - Microsoft. 903 01:07:01,512 --> 01:07:03,343 - NASA. - Disney. 904 01:07:04,081 --> 01:07:05,048 AOL. 905 01:07:05,249 --> 01:07:06,773 Is that why the women are so slow? 906 01:07:07,318 --> 01:07:08,285 Joanna. 907 01:07:08,652 --> 01:07:11,951 Is this what you really want? 908 01:07:12,456 --> 01:07:14,390 Women who behave like slaves, 909 01:07:14,592 --> 01:07:18,187 women who are obsessed with cleaning their kitchens 910 01:07:18,395 --> 01:07:19,362 and doing their hair, 911 01:07:19,563 --> 01:07:22,191 women who never challenge you in any way, 912 01:07:22,399 --> 01:07:25,061 women who exist only to wait on you hand and foot? 913 01:07:25,603 --> 01:07:26,934 - Yeah. - That sounds good to me. 914 01:07:27,138 --> 01:07:28,935 Joanna, you're a brilliant woman. 915 01:07:29,140 --> 01:07:31,165 Surely you can appreciate, at the very least, 916 01:07:31,375 --> 01:07:32,808 the genius of the concept. 917 01:07:33,010 --> 01:07:36,207 Picture, if you could streamline your spouse, 918 01:07:36,981 --> 01:07:40,144 if you could overhaul every annoying habit, 919 01:07:40,351 --> 01:07:42,012 every physical flaw, 920 01:07:42,219 --> 01:07:45,484 every moment of whining and nagging and farting in bed. 921 01:07:45,689 --> 01:07:47,213 Imagine... 922 01:07:47,591 --> 01:07:50,185 ...if you could enjoy the person you loved, 923 01:07:50,394 --> 01:07:52,089 but only at their very best. 924 01:07:53,931 --> 01:07:57,594 And the only reason for your anger, 925 01:07:58,169 --> 01:08:01,400 your resentment, your rage is really very simple. 926 01:08:01,705 --> 01:08:04,606 You're furious because we thought of it first. 927 01:08:04,808 --> 01:08:06,105 While you were trying to become men, 928 01:08:06,310 --> 01:08:08,244 we decided to become gods. 929 01:08:10,281 --> 01:08:11,248 Let me ask you something, 930 01:08:11,448 --> 01:08:15,111 these machines, these Stepford Wives, 931 01:08:15,319 --> 01:08:16,877 can they say, "I love you"? 932 01:08:18,389 --> 01:08:19,356 Mike. 933 01:08:19,723 --> 01:08:20,781 Of course. 934 01:08:20,991 --> 01:08:22,219 Fifty-eight languages. 935 01:08:24,461 --> 01:08:26,292 But do they mean it? 936 01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:57,222 Enjoy. 937 01:09:34,298 --> 01:09:35,993 Walter. 938 01:09:57,788 --> 01:09:59,153 Walt. 939 01:10:10,434 --> 01:10:13,232 Joanna. Right here. 940 01:10:58,482 --> 01:11:01,417 - Sarah. - Claire. 941 01:11:09,393 --> 01:11:12,294 - Marianne. - Charmaine. 942 01:11:16,700 --> 01:11:19,225 - Roger. - Roberta. 943 01:11:57,741 --> 01:11:59,868 Oh, Mike! 944 01:12:03,347 --> 01:12:05,110 Mike, Mike, Mike! 945 01:12:05,315 --> 01:12:08,648 Mike, Mike, Mike! Mike, Mike, Mike! 946 01:12:16,160 --> 01:12:17,889 Good evening, everyone. 947 01:12:18,095 --> 01:12:19,426 What a delight to see 948 01:12:19,730 --> 01:12:23,257 all of our wonderful wives and their happy, happy husbands. 949 01:12:23,467 --> 01:12:27,426 Tonight is truly the highlight of our year because tonight 950 01:12:27,638 --> 01:12:31,836 we honor our very newest citizens of Stepford. 951 01:12:32,042 --> 01:12:34,840 In my opinion, they are the cream of the crop in couple 952 01:12:35,245 --> 01:12:37,509 that proudly proclaims Stepford 953 01:12:39,283 --> 01:12:40,682 the American way of love. 954 01:13:08,712 --> 01:13:10,373 Now... 955 01:13:12,182 --> 01:13:14,776 ...l'd like to ask my wonderful woman, my lovely wife, 956 01:13:14,985 --> 01:13:16,384 my bride, my best friend, 957 01:13:16,787 --> 01:13:20,484 to join me in a glorious midsummer night's waltz. 958 01:13:37,441 --> 01:13:39,068 Yeah. 959 01:14:13,277 --> 01:14:14,608 Is everything perfect? 960 01:14:14,811 --> 01:14:16,176 Everything. 961 01:14:17,581 --> 01:14:19,344 - Mike. - Yeah. 962 01:14:19,550 --> 01:14:20,812 Darling. 963 01:14:22,419 --> 01:14:25,752 - My pleasure. - It's an honor. 964 01:14:28,125 --> 01:14:31,424 - Champagne? - Allow me. 965 01:14:52,082 --> 01:14:53,515 Doors activate. 966 01:14:53,717 --> 01:14:56,481 Welcome member 1956. 967 01:14:56,687 --> 01:14:58,882 Kresby, Walter. 968 01:15:06,663 --> 01:15:09,427 Entering secure area. 969 01:15:59,182 --> 01:16:00,479 Warning. 970 01:16:00,684 --> 01:16:02,515 Warning. 971 01:16:03,854 --> 01:16:04,878 Initiating. 972 01:16:18,535 --> 01:16:21,197 So, Joanna, are you enjoying Stepford? 973 01:16:21,405 --> 01:16:24,897 Oh, yes. The town is so splendid. 974 01:16:25,108 --> 01:16:27,702 Everyone is so kind. 975 01:16:28,612 --> 01:16:31,479 And then, of course, there's you. 976 01:16:34,117 --> 01:16:35,516 Me? 977 01:16:44,761 --> 01:16:45,819 And it's simple really. 978 01:16:46,029 --> 01:16:48,088 Honey, grab me another Scotch. 979 01:16:48,298 --> 01:16:50,289 Right away, dear. 980 01:16:55,572 --> 01:16:58,302 Begin nanoreversal. 981 01:16:58,508 --> 01:17:01,033 Begin nanoreversal. 982 01:17:06,516 --> 01:17:08,313 Nanoreversal completed. 983 01:17:11,621 --> 01:17:14,419 Deleting Stepford program. 984 01:17:25,469 --> 01:17:27,369 File corrupted. 985 01:17:27,571 --> 01:17:29,732 Deleting vacuuming function. 986 01:17:36,146 --> 01:17:37,170 Honey. 987 01:17:37,547 --> 01:17:39,139 Oh, Herbert. 988 01:17:40,817 --> 01:17:45,311 Restoring original personality. Deleting Stepford program. 989 01:17:48,391 --> 01:17:49,358 What is this? 990 01:17:58,602 --> 01:18:00,331 What am I wearing? 991 01:18:14,050 --> 01:18:15,039 Mike! 992 01:18:15,252 --> 01:18:16,651 Mike, there's something... 993 01:18:18,889 --> 01:18:20,914 ...unspeakable going on in the ballroom. 994 01:18:21,124 --> 01:18:22,523 You have to come right now. 995 01:18:22,726 --> 01:18:25,217 It's an apocalypse! 996 01:18:35,338 --> 01:18:36,305 What did you do to us? 997 01:18:37,674 --> 01:18:39,073 - Mike! - Mike! 998 01:18:42,512 --> 01:18:44,503 Men, control your wives. 999 01:18:44,881 --> 01:18:46,576 Control your wives. 1000 01:18:48,685 --> 01:18:49,982 It's not working! 1001 01:18:56,626 --> 01:18:59,254 This is not Stepford. 1002 01:19:01,064 --> 01:19:03,589 Mike, what's happening? 1003 01:19:04,201 --> 01:19:06,829 I was in the garden, and I was dreaming of your... 1004 01:19:07,037 --> 01:19:09,164 Your smile and your after-shave. 1005 01:19:09,773 --> 01:19:11,172 And I realized... 1006 01:19:13,076 --> 01:19:15,340 ...I can do better. 1007 01:19:26,323 --> 01:19:28,791 - Walt. - She's not a robot. 1008 01:19:29,125 --> 01:19:30,092 - What? - What? 1009 01:19:30,293 --> 01:19:31,555 What, she's not a robot? 1010 01:19:32,062 --> 01:19:33,290 She never was. 1011 01:19:40,403 --> 01:19:41,597 Wait a second. 1012 01:19:43,106 --> 01:19:45,734 - I couldn't do it. - What? 1013 01:19:46,243 --> 01:19:47,210 Why not? 1014 01:19:47,811 --> 01:19:49,972 Because she's not a science project. 1015 01:19:50,180 --> 01:19:52,910 Because I didn't marry something from RadioShack. 1016 01:19:54,417 --> 01:19:55,384 That's a shame. 1017 01:19:56,052 --> 01:19:57,349 No. 1018 01:19:57,988 --> 01:19:59,649 That's a man. 1019 01:20:07,230 --> 01:20:08,492 I thought you were ready. 1020 01:20:09,666 --> 01:20:12,931 I thought... I thought you were ready. I thought I knew you. 1021 01:20:14,337 --> 01:20:16,328 You're a disgrace. 1022 01:20:18,775 --> 01:20:20,800 To everything this town stands for. 1023 01:20:22,812 --> 01:20:24,006 To the future. 1024 01:20:24,247 --> 01:20:26,112 That's right, that's right. Tell him. 1025 01:20:26,783 --> 01:20:28,478 You're gonna have to pay for that. 1026 01:20:34,457 --> 01:20:35,947 Don't you touch him. 1027 01:20:36,159 --> 01:20:37,421 No! 1028 01:21:13,396 --> 01:21:16,160 He's a Stepford Husband? 1029 01:21:17,901 --> 01:21:20,165 An angel. 1030 01:21:21,438 --> 01:21:23,906 Now he's just... 1031 01:21:24,507 --> 01:21:27,965 ...spare parts, thanks to you. 1032 01:21:28,178 --> 01:21:30,908 But what are you? Are you a person or a machine? 1033 01:21:31,481 --> 01:21:32,812 I'm a lady. 1034 01:21:33,016 --> 01:21:35,416 A real lady? 1035 01:21:35,618 --> 01:21:36,846 - Every inch. - Wait. 1036 01:21:37,053 --> 01:21:39,521 Wait, a real, real lady? Are you a human being? 1037 01:21:39,723 --> 01:21:43,159 Yes, and I may very well be the only decent human being left. 1038 01:21:43,360 --> 01:21:45,828 - In Stepford? - In the world! 1039 01:21:46,463 --> 01:21:47,555 She's fabulous. 1040 01:21:47,764 --> 01:21:51,894 All of this, Mike, the wives, Stepford, this was all your idea? 1041 01:21:52,102 --> 01:21:55,128 Yes. All I wanted was a better world. 1042 01:21:55,338 --> 01:22:00,002 A world where men were men and women were cherished and lovely. 1043 01:22:00,210 --> 01:22:03,441 Does anyone have a screwdriver? 1044 01:22:04,280 --> 01:22:05,508 She's nuts. 1045 01:22:14,424 --> 01:22:17,484 A world of romance and beauty, 1046 01:22:17,694 --> 01:22:21,858 of tuxedos and chiffon, a perfect world. 1047 01:22:22,065 --> 01:22:24,090 But you were married to a robot. 1048 01:22:24,567 --> 01:22:26,558 The perfect man. 1049 01:22:27,504 --> 01:22:29,938 And all I wanted was to make you, all of you... 1050 01:22:30,640 --> 01:22:32,301 ...into perfect women. 1051 01:22:32,642 --> 01:22:35,338 We don't need to be perfect. 1052 01:22:35,545 --> 01:22:37,103 How could you do this to us? 1053 01:22:37,313 --> 01:22:39,213 Because I was just like you. 1054 01:22:39,416 --> 01:22:41,782 Overstressed, overbooked, under-loved. 1055 01:22:42,819 --> 01:22:47,153 I was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer. 1056 01:22:47,357 --> 01:22:51,987 I had top-secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel. 1057 01:22:52,195 --> 01:22:53,321 I was driven. 1058 01:22:53,530 --> 01:22:54,997 Exhausted. 1059 01:22:55,198 --> 01:22:58,497 Until late one night, I came home to find... 1060 01:23:00,170 --> 01:23:01,797 ...Mike. 1061 01:23:03,473 --> 01:23:05,498 With Patricia. 1062 01:23:06,743 --> 01:23:08,677 My brilliant... 1063 01:23:09,279 --> 01:23:11,076 ...blond... 1064 01:23:12,182 --> 01:23:16,084 ...21 -year-old research assistant. 1065 01:23:16,286 --> 01:23:18,379 It was all so... 1066 01:23:20,824 --> 01:23:22,587 ...ugly. 1067 01:23:24,461 --> 01:23:28,693 Then early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table 1068 01:23:28,898 --> 01:23:32,527 at their lifeless bodies, I thought... 1069 01:23:32,735 --> 01:23:34,930 ..."What have I done?" 1070 01:23:35,138 --> 01:23:37,504 But more importantly... 1071 01:23:37,707 --> 01:23:40,676 ...what I could do to make the world more beautiful? 1072 01:23:41,010 --> 01:23:42,671 I had the skills. 1073 01:23:43,113 --> 01:23:46,480 But I needed help to realize my larger vision. 1074 01:23:46,683 --> 01:23:47,843 And so I made... 1075 01:23:49,586 --> 01:23:51,144 ...Mike. 1076 01:23:52,055 --> 01:23:54,819 Because he was someone other men would listen to. 1077 01:23:55,258 --> 01:23:57,590 And then I asked myself, 1078 01:23:57,794 --> 01:24:03,232 "Where would people never notice a town full of robots? 1079 01:24:03,433 --> 01:24:05,901 "Connecticut." 1080 01:24:06,102 --> 01:24:09,731 So I decided to turn back the clock, 1081 01:24:09,939 --> 01:24:12,464 to a time before overtime, 1082 01:24:12,675 --> 01:24:14,404 before quality time, 1083 01:24:14,611 --> 01:24:16,579 before women were turning themselves into robots. 1084 01:24:18,548 --> 01:24:20,038 - Back off! - Sorry. 1085 01:24:20,650 --> 01:24:22,914 Why didn't you change the men too? 1086 01:24:23,119 --> 01:24:24,086 That's next. 1087 01:24:25,655 --> 01:24:27,145 You're insane. 1088 01:24:27,690 --> 01:24:32,389 I'm in love with a waltz and a town... 1089 01:24:34,831 --> 01:24:36,890 ...and a man. 1090 01:25:31,287 --> 01:25:33,016 So, Joanna, you produced the hard-hitting documentary, 1091 01:25:33,223 --> 01:25:35,054 Stepford: The Secret of the Suburbs. 1092 01:25:35,258 --> 01:25:38,056 And won... Five Emmys, was it? 1093 01:25:38,261 --> 01:25:39,421 Oh, six. 1094 01:25:39,629 --> 01:25:41,893 - She's shy. - And so humble. 1095 01:25:42,098 --> 01:25:45,295 And, Bobbie, your ordeal has lead to a bestseller. 1096 01:25:45,501 --> 01:25:46,991 You know, I just can't hold a grudge. 1097 01:25:47,203 --> 01:25:48,830 So I've written my very first book of poetry. 1098 01:25:49,038 --> 01:25:52,906 And it's all about hope and communication 1099 01:25:53,109 --> 01:25:54,337 and the healing power of love. 1100 01:25:54,544 --> 01:25:55,806 What is it called? 1101 01:25:56,012 --> 01:25:58,003 Wait Until He's Asleep, Then Cut It Off. 1102 01:25:58,214 --> 01:26:00,114 - It's a page-turner. - I cried. 1103 01:26:00,316 --> 01:26:01,749 Now, Roger, good news. 1104 01:26:01,951 --> 01:26:04,442 You ran and won. You're in the state senate. 1105 01:26:04,921 --> 01:26:06,821 - Independent. - Next stop, the White House. 1106 01:26:07,023 --> 01:26:09,924 - Yes, this country needs highlights. - That's our hero. 1107 01:26:10,126 --> 01:26:12,185 And, Jo, Walter really came through for you, 1108 01:26:12,395 --> 01:26:16,957 so how's your marriage now? Is everything just perfect? 1109 01:26:17,166 --> 01:26:18,133 No way. 1110 01:26:18,334 --> 01:26:20,529 But we're doing just great. 1111 01:26:20,737 --> 01:26:22,329 Because, um... 1112 01:26:22,839 --> 01:26:25,774 Because now, now we know for sure that it's not about perfection. 1113 01:26:25,975 --> 01:26:28,535 Perfect. Perfect doesn't work. 1114 01:26:28,745 --> 01:26:30,406 What about all those other husbands? 1115 01:26:30,613 --> 01:26:34,014 Are they still angry? Do they still want all these women to be robots? 1116 01:26:34,217 --> 01:26:35,809 Of course. Men are pigs. 1117 01:26:36,019 --> 01:26:39,420 They're disgusting, they're frightened, repulsive little rodents. 1118 01:26:39,622 --> 01:26:41,249 But we're trying to help them, right, Bobbie? 1119 01:26:41,457 --> 01:26:44,153 - Right. - Yes, we're trying to reeducate them. 1120 01:26:44,360 --> 01:26:45,520 And where are they? 1121 01:26:45,795 --> 01:26:48,093 Oh. Oh, they're still in Stepford. 1122 01:26:48,298 --> 01:26:50,027 Under house arrest. 1123 01:26:56,239 --> 01:26:57,206 Hey, you guys. 1124 01:26:57,407 --> 01:26:59,136 Which aisle is quilted paper towels? 1125 01:26:59,342 --> 01:27:01,606 If I don't get the right kind, my wife's gonna kill me. 1126 01:27:01,811 --> 01:27:03,676 Oh, aisle three. And I need... 1127 01:27:03,880 --> 01:27:06,440 No talking, keep shopping.