1 00:00:37,407 --> 00:00:41,036 (Mystical sitar music) 2 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:57,485 (Celebratory Indian music) 3 00:01:03,287 --> 00:01:06,757 (Sings joyous song) 4 00:01:19,687 --> 00:01:23,680 (Sings joyously in response) 5 00:01:51,247 --> 00:01:54,842 (Upbeat rock 'n' roll music) 6 00:01:59,407 --> 00:02:01,238 I got chills 7 00:02:01,327 --> 00:02:03,124 They're multiplyin' 8 00:02:03,727 --> 00:02:07,402 And I'm losin' control 9 00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:11,721 'Cause the power you're supplyin' 10 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,963 I�s electrifyin' 11 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,042 - You're the one that I want - You are the one I want 12 00:02:17,127 --> 00:02:19,197 Oo-oo-oo, honey 13 00:02:19,287 --> 00:02:21,084 - The one that I want - You are the one I want 14 00:02:21,167 --> 00:02:23,476 Oo-oo-oo, honey 15 00:02:23,567 --> 00:02:25,717 - The one that I want - You are the one I want 16 00:02:25,807 --> 00:02:27,479 Oo-oo-oo 17 00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:30,964 (Upbeat dance music) 18 00:02:47,087 --> 00:02:50,124 - You can all dance like that. - No. Impossible. 19 00:02:50,327 --> 00:02:51,806 You can. 20 00:02:51,887 --> 00:02:53,525 Dance is like love. 21 00:02:56,207 --> 00:02:59,119 Just move your feet to the beat of your heart. 22 00:03:06,007 --> 00:03:07,122 Go, yes! 23 00:03:07,207 --> 00:03:09,516 Come on, follow your inner beat! 24 00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:18,723 RAMU: Come on, ladies. 25 00:03:19,487 --> 00:03:22,240 Move your feet to the beat of your heart. 26 00:03:23,727 --> 00:03:26,605 (Women giggle and laugh) 27 00:03:27,727 --> 00:03:29,046 (Music stops) 28 00:03:29,127 --> 00:03:30,879 I told you you could do it. 29 00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:34,042 Ladies, I have an announcement. 30 00:03:34,407 --> 00:03:37,001 I'm sad to say that today will be my last day here... 31 00:03:37,087 --> 00:03:38,884 at Shanti Dance and Modern Movement. 32 00:03:38,967 --> 00:03:40,320 - What? - No. 33 00:03:40,407 --> 00:03:44,366 Next week, my classes will be taken over by Sister Munju Murthi, a nun from Kerala. 34 00:03:44,447 --> 00:03:47,644 - But why? Where are you going? - To America. 35 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,639 - You're going to drive a cab there? - A cab? No way. 36 00:03:50,727 --> 00:03:52,080 I'm going to be a star. 37 00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:54,362 - You can do that? - Well, of course you can. 38 00:03:54,447 --> 00:03:57,405 Anything's possible in America. Look at my friend, Vijay Rao. 39 00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,955 - The one with the red Mercedes? - And the penthouse? 40 00:04:00,047 --> 00:04:03,926 He went there with nothing. No job, no money, no visa... 41 00:04:04,007 --> 00:04:05,679 and he's a big success. 42 00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:08,156 I don't want to dance with a nun. 43 00:04:09,847 --> 00:04:13,442 (Slow Indian backbeat) 44 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,485 GIRL 1: 'Bye, Ramu. 45 00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:24,125 'Bye. Take care. 46 00:04:24,247 --> 00:04:26,044 GIRL 2: 'Bye. We'll miss you. 47 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,925 (Upbeat instrumental Indian music) 48 00:04:35,007 --> 00:04:36,998 (Engines and motors revving) 49 00:04:38,407 --> 00:04:40,875 (Upbeat Indian song) 50 00:04:58,047 --> 00:04:59,878 MRS. GUPTA: I wanted a spring wedding. 51 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,958 I was going to bake a mango cake. 52 00:05:02,047 --> 00:05:04,845 - You'll end up working in some restaurant. - With bad food. 53 00:05:04,927 --> 00:05:07,316 Soon you'll be back, begging me for a decent life. 54 00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:10,001 Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm better off staying here... 55 00:05:10,087 --> 00:05:12,806 - and becoming a salaried man. - Don't even say that. 56 00:05:12,887 --> 00:05:16,357 But I tell my students, "Move your feet to the beat of your heart." 57 00:05:16,447 --> 00:05:19,200 And my heart is telling me to go to America. 58 00:05:19,327 --> 00:05:21,522 I dreamt of it my whole life. 59 00:05:27,967 --> 00:05:29,366 RAMU: Don't worry. 60 00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:31,206 I'll be fine. 61 00:05:33,887 --> 00:05:37,243 You'll not only be fine. You'll be famous. 62 00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:39,039 Like Ricky Martin. 63 00:05:45,327 --> 00:05:46,999 Mira, be careful! 64 00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:49,160 Your bike! 65 00:06:30,207 --> 00:06:32,675 Hey, man, can I get your autograph? 66 00:06:37,927 --> 00:06:40,157 - So your flight was good? - Yeah, it was good. 67 00:06:40,247 --> 00:06:42,715 - And your sister. How's your sister? - Okay. 68 00:06:44,967 --> 00:06:47,720 Is the Mercedes in the shop or something? 69 00:06:48,127 --> 00:06:49,560 Or something. 70 00:06:52,367 --> 00:06:54,005 This is the penthouse. 71 00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:55,315 I�s the top floor. 72 00:06:55,407 --> 00:06:57,079 RAMU: I�s the only floor. 73 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,965 RAMU: You're a real bastard, you know that? VIJAY: Come on, yaar. 74 00:07:00,047 --> 00:07:03,198 If I told you the truth, you never woul�ve come. 75 00:07:07,087 --> 00:07:08,202 Immigration! 76 00:07:08,687 --> 00:07:09,722 Open up! 77 00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:11,525 SANJIV: Oh, shit. VIJAY: INS! 78 00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:19,965 VIJAY: This is Amit. He's a nerd. AMIT: Wha�s up, yaar? 79 00:07:20,047 --> 00:07:22,277 Tha�s Sanjiv. He's illegal. 80 00:07:22,727 --> 00:07:24,160 VIJAY: And an idiot! 81 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,197 Bhen ki lohdi! Yeah, I was reading, Vij. 82 00:07:30,207 --> 00:07:31,925 Hey, Ramu. 83 00:07:32,567 --> 00:07:34,603 Kya kar rahe ho, baba? Welcome. 84 00:07:34,687 --> 00:07:36,962 SANJIV: Good to meet you. Now the rent goes down. 85 00:07:37,047 --> 00:07:39,845 Now welcome my boy Ram to America. 86 00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:43,757 Peerah! Peerah! 87 00:07:47,527 --> 00:07:48,926 To America! 88 00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:51,405 NEIGHBOUR: Shut the fuck up! 89 00:07:52,607 --> 00:07:56,077 RAMU: I know i�s been a while, but... The penthouse is beautiful. 90 00:07:56,527 --> 00:07:58,324 Vijay's doing really well. 91 00:07:58,407 --> 00:08:00,159 No, New York is great. 92 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,442 Cook says your samosas are getting cold. 93 00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:04,916 That was the butler. My samosas are getting cold. 94 00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:07,077 I better go, Nanima. Namaste. 95 00:08:10,487 --> 00:08:12,079 (Restaurant chatter) 96 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,766 (Slow sitar strumming) 97 00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:15,600 PATRON: The guy's totally lame. 98 00:08:15,687 --> 00:08:18,406 How long can that guy go for the "working late" crap? 99 00:08:18,487 --> 00:08:21,365 What is this? I ordered the chicken tikka masala. 100 00:08:21,447 --> 00:08:23,802 That is chicken tikka masala, sir. 101 00:08:23,887 --> 00:08:26,640 (Mimicking accent) That is not chicken tikka masala, sir. 102 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:29,643 That is definitely chicken tikka masala. 103 00:08:29,727 --> 00:08:32,719 Dude, I know chicken fucking tikka masala, and tha�s not it. 104 00:08:32,807 --> 00:08:36,482 So how about taking your skinny brown ass back to the kitchen and get me some? 105 00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:38,637 Yes, sir. I'm sorry, dude. 106 00:08:39,447 --> 00:08:40,926 WOMAN: Oh, my God. 107 00:08:41,007 --> 00:08:42,599 (Shocked gasps from other patrons) 108 00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:52,961 No chance. 109 00:08:53,047 --> 00:08:56,198 I even told him you got 10 kids and your wife's in a wheelchair. 110 00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:58,847 I don't care. I don't want that stupid job back. 111 00:08:58,927 --> 00:09:01,157 Come on, man. You got a roof over your head... 112 00:09:01,247 --> 00:09:03,442 and food in your belly. What more do you want? 113 00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:06,041 I want what you promised me in your letters. 114 00:09:06,207 --> 00:09:07,481 So did you, Vij. 115 00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:10,001 The penthouse, the Mercedes. 116 00:09:11,607 --> 00:09:13,643 So what happened to your business empire? 117 00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:15,604 RAMU: Huh? VIJAY: I�s not that easy. 118 00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:18,520 I don't want it to be easy. I just want my chance. 119 00:09:19,047 --> 00:09:21,003 Maybe I'm not good enough. 120 00:09:21,087 --> 00:09:25,126 Maybe all I can do is be a waiter, but I want my chance to find out. 121 00:09:25,207 --> 00:09:27,767 - Isn't that the American dream? - You're a fool. 122 00:09:27,847 --> 00:09:30,202 Do you know why they call it the American dream? 123 00:09:30,287 --> 00:09:33,120 Because it only happens when you're asleep. 124 00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:45,960 (Upbeat Indian instrumental music) 125 00:09:50,487 --> 00:09:51,636 DWAIN: Next! 126 00:10:00,087 --> 00:10:02,362 I'm here for the audition. Ramu Gupta. 127 00:10:02,647 --> 00:10:04,922 Tell me something I don't know. 128 00:10:05,687 --> 00:10:07,484 My mother comes from Hyderabad. 129 00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:11,845 My father wanted to marry a Muslim girl, but his family wouldn't let him. 130 00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,958 Everybody's a comedian. 131 00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:18,365 DWAIN: Wha�d you say your name was? RAMU: Ram Chandra Gupta. 132 00:10:18,527 --> 00:10:19,516 Actor. 133 00:10:19,847 --> 00:10:21,041 Dancer. 134 00:10:21,567 --> 00:10:24,479 Okay, Rammy, what would you say your specialty is? 135 00:10:24,567 --> 00:10:26,319 Well, I move smooth. 136 00:10:26,487 --> 00:10:29,638 I take instruction easily. I'm not afraid to try new things. 137 00:10:29,727 --> 00:10:31,479 Good. We like that. 138 00:10:31,687 --> 00:10:33,598 How big are you hard? 139 00:10:33,927 --> 00:10:35,758 Yes, I work very hard. 140 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,838 No. Your johnson. 141 00:10:37,927 --> 00:10:39,883 How big is your johnson? 142 00:10:40,127 --> 00:10:42,083 RAMU: Johnson? DWAIN: Your wand. 143 00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:43,964 Your pork-sword. Your baloney pony. 144 00:10:44,047 --> 00:10:46,038 Would you like to see my Macarena? 145 00:10:46,127 --> 00:10:48,641 Is that what you call it in your part of the world? 146 00:10:48,727 --> 00:10:50,763 Let me see your Macarena. 147 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,879 (Ramu hums melody) 148 00:10:59,287 --> 00:11:00,766 Hey, Macarena! 149 00:11:01,087 --> 00:11:03,203 All right, you wanna lose the pants? 150 00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,323 Is that part of the movie? 151 00:11:05,407 --> 00:11:06,681 Could be. 152 00:11:10,607 --> 00:11:11,881 I get it. 153 00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:14,635 Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business? 154 00:11:16,127 --> 00:11:20,006 (Piano rock 'n' roll intro) 155 00:11:21,687 --> 00:11:25,362 (Rock 'n' roll music in Hindi) 156 00:12:00,127 --> 00:12:01,196 DWAIN: All right! 157 00:12:01,727 --> 00:12:03,160 You know you could be big. 158 00:12:03,247 --> 00:12:05,158 Oh, yes, sir, very big. 159 00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:07,239 I can see that. 160 00:12:09,047 --> 00:12:11,845 I must say, most guys come in here, they wax the dolphin. 161 00:12:11,927 --> 00:12:13,440 Tha�s it. I�s over. 162 00:12:13,527 --> 00:12:15,199 You dance. I like that. 163 00:12:15,287 --> 00:12:16,515 Thank you. 164 00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:22,004 Plus you got this really interesting look. I�s kind of an Oriental cabana boy thing. 165 00:12:22,647 --> 00:12:25,639 You're unique, Rammy. You could be a big star. 166 00:12:25,807 --> 00:12:27,479 Yes, sir. I know. 167 00:12:29,407 --> 00:12:32,638 I'm telling you. I'm the star, like John Travolta. 168 00:12:32,727 --> 00:12:35,446 "Pulp Fiction" Travolta or "Urban Cowboy" Travolta? 169 00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:36,721 "Grease" Travolta. 170 00:12:36,807 --> 00:12:39,719 - How many lines do you have? - I haven't seen the script yet. 171 00:12:39,807 --> 00:12:42,560 I know your lines, just like your lines in the restaurant. 172 00:12:42,647 --> 00:12:46,162 "Would you like chutney with your chapatis or poppadums with your paneer?" 173 00:12:46,247 --> 00:12:49,683 - "Do you want nachos with your Big Gulp?" - Piss off, man. 174 00:12:50,847 --> 00:12:53,236 Oh, I'm sorry. Good for you, yaar. 175 00:12:53,327 --> 00:12:56,000 Come on, so tell us about it. What role are you playing? 176 00:12:56,087 --> 00:12:58,123 SANJIV: Man in turban working in gas station. 177 00:12:58,207 --> 00:13:02,041 You guys joke all you want, but this is a real movie and I am the star. 178 00:13:02,727 --> 00:13:04,718 (Lndian sitar music) 179 00:13:10,327 --> 00:13:12,124 CAMERAMAN: Clock's ticking. Come on. 180 00:13:12,207 --> 00:13:14,960 DWAIN: Okey-dokey pokey. Actors on the set. 181 00:13:16,007 --> 00:13:18,282 DWAIN: Walk away. Okay? Grab that. 182 00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:21,518 For a starring role, I don't have a lot of lines. 183 00:13:23,447 --> 00:13:25,722 - What are you doing? - Giving Mr. Happy a shine. 184 00:13:25,807 --> 00:13:27,957 He gets more screen time than your face does. 185 00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:30,766 RAMU: What? DWAIN: Any sign of our Mr. Rammy? 186 00:13:31,287 --> 00:13:33,755 Okay, now, no time for nerves. 187 00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:37,484 You gotta get out there. Don't you want to be in the movie? 188 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,762 But a real movie, not... 189 00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:44,004 - pornography. - Sugar, please. 190 00:13:44,087 --> 00:13:46,681 PEACHES: Everybody has to start somewhere. 191 00:13:46,887 --> 00:13:50,038 DWAIN: So i�s one, two, and the inserts and we're done. 192 00:13:51,527 --> 00:13:53,836 There's my Jane. Now where's my Tarzan? 193 00:13:55,927 --> 00:13:57,679 Hey, there's the Ram. 194 00:13:57,767 --> 00:13:59,485 Everyone meet Rammy. 195 00:14:00,327 --> 00:14:02,204 DWAIN: Meet your co-star Sharrona. 196 00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:04,516 Hello. 197 00:14:07,927 --> 00:14:09,883 All right, le�s rock. Come on. 198 00:14:10,607 --> 00:14:12,643 DWAIN: Welcome to Fantasy Island. 199 00:14:13,007 --> 00:14:15,840 Okay, Rammy, you live on this desert island, obviously. 200 00:14:15,927 --> 00:14:19,397 And you've basically been in the bushes beating your meat your whole life. 201 00:14:19,487 --> 00:14:22,206 One day you're skipping along the beach, you see this... 202 00:14:22,287 --> 00:14:24,482 hot power-suited mama, and you just wanna... 203 00:14:24,567 --> 00:14:27,035 - teach her your native tongue. - Hindi. 204 00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:31,035 You're the junior senator from Wisconsin. 205 00:14:31,127 --> 00:14:35,359 You're investigating a nuclear dump site tha�s contaminating the marine life. 206 00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:37,005 DWAIN: Okay, roll camera. 207 00:14:37,087 --> 00:14:38,884 CAMERAMAN: We are rolling. 208 00:14:39,447 --> 00:14:40,641 DWAIN: Action! 209 00:14:45,087 --> 00:14:47,078 Hello, I'm Senator Snatch. 210 00:14:47,167 --> 00:14:49,203 I'm here on official government business. 211 00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:51,039 Are the natives here friendly? 212 00:14:51,127 --> 00:14:53,800 The natives here are restless, Senator. 213 00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:56,398 You look hot in that power suit. 214 00:14:56,487 --> 00:14:59,320 I didn't realise the tropics would be so warm. 215 00:15:04,687 --> 00:15:07,724 RAMU: The temperature isn't the only thing here tha�s up. 216 00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:12,198 (Drums beating with increasing tempo) 217 00:15:13,207 --> 00:15:14,276 DWAIN: Cut! 218 00:15:16,447 --> 00:15:18,438 SOUNDMAN: Just tape it up. I�ll be fine. 219 00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:19,916 Brilliant. 220 00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:24,166 Nice moment, Rammy, but we're not doing this for Lifetime. Okay? 221 00:15:24,247 --> 00:15:26,317 You see her, you screw her, we go home. 222 00:15:26,407 --> 00:15:29,763 Also, you're happy skipping along the beach. Life is good. 223 00:15:31,127 --> 00:15:33,357 Skip. Screw. Happy. Got it. 224 00:15:34,407 --> 00:15:37,160 Guess Who's Coming at Dinner, take two. 225 00:15:40,247 --> 00:15:41,919 Hello, I'm Senator Snatch. 226 00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:43,486 I'm here on a... 227 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,876 (Wild drums beating) 228 00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:47,366 Rough stuff. 229 00:15:50,887 --> 00:15:53,321 DWAIN: Problem? SHARRONA: We don't have wood. 230 00:15:53,407 --> 00:15:55,477 Stand by. Holding on wood. 231 00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,564 Standing by for wood. 232 00:15:58,927 --> 00:16:00,918 (Shouting) We are holding on wood! 233 00:16:02,527 --> 00:16:04,404 Do you have an erection problem? 234 00:16:04,487 --> 00:16:07,604 - No, sir. Ask the makeup girl. - She's a guy. 235 00:16:07,687 --> 00:16:10,724 I'm more woman than you'll ever have, pencil dick. 236 00:16:10,807 --> 00:16:11,956 Sorry, dude. 237 00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:13,878 DWAIN: Get hard or get going. 238 00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:20,040 (Motivating himself in Hindi) 239 00:16:21,927 --> 00:16:23,406 I�s just sex, silly. 240 00:16:23,487 --> 00:16:25,364 CAMERAMAN: Where'd you find this guy? 241 00:16:25,447 --> 00:16:26,846 DWAIN: He found me. 242 00:16:27,007 --> 00:16:28,645 You know, we coul�ve had Waldo. 243 00:16:28,727 --> 00:16:31,400 No, Waldo's too hairy for this. 244 00:16:31,487 --> 00:16:34,285 The natives don't have a lot of back hair. 245 00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:38,680 I�s just the idea of being naked in front of all these people. 246 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,917 Well, the trick is not to be naked up here. 247 00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:46,795 I�s like other actors get costumes, but we don't, or at least not for very long. 248 00:16:46,887 --> 00:16:50,004 So your naked body is really just your costume. 249 00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:57,515 I promise, in India I'm a real stud. 250 00:16:59,287 --> 00:17:02,245 If you and I could just go somewhere by ourselves... 251 00:17:02,807 --> 00:17:04,445 without people watching. 252 00:17:05,327 --> 00:17:07,636 There's always someone watching. 253 00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,796 - Dwain? - God, silly. 254 00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:17,683 - God is watching us? - Yeah, but not for kicks. 255 00:17:18,127 --> 00:17:21,437 I mean, the universe isn't run by some big old perv. 256 00:17:22,807 --> 00:17:24,445 What do you mean? 257 00:17:24,727 --> 00:17:27,764 I mean, the same God who made the rose and the ocean... 258 00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:29,395 he made me. 259 00:17:29,487 --> 00:17:32,001 And my body is made to have sex... 260 00:17:32,087 --> 00:17:35,363 just like the rosebud is made to open. 261 00:17:38,287 --> 00:17:39,356 Wow. 262 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,519 We're in. Places, please. 263 00:17:41,607 --> 00:17:42,722 DWAIN: Short five. Sorry. 264 00:17:42,807 --> 00:17:46,800 The most powerful sexual organ God gave us is our brain. 265 00:17:48,247 --> 00:17:49,760 Think about it. 266 00:17:50,047 --> 00:17:51,241 Action! 267 00:17:53,967 --> 00:17:56,083 Okey-dokey pokey. 268 00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:58,158 (Sharrona moaning excitedly) 269 00:18:01,287 --> 00:18:02,356 DWAIN: Cut! 270 00:18:02,727 --> 00:18:03,955 What now? 271 00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:06,117 I can't stop thinking about God. 272 00:18:06,207 --> 00:18:08,562 And therefore I cannot achieve wood. 273 00:18:08,647 --> 00:18:09,523 DWAIN: I see. 274 00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:12,201 Sharrona, you gotta help me out here, please? 275 00:18:12,287 --> 00:18:14,926 Forget it, Dwain. If I'm late again meeting Rusty... 276 00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:18,522 - he's gonna get suspicious. - Doesn't this guy ever go to a video store? 277 00:18:20,247 --> 00:18:23,398 Hey, tha�s good. This'd be a great character for you. 278 00:18:23,487 --> 00:18:26,206 We haven't done a schoolteacher number in a while. Not since... 279 00:18:26,247 --> 00:18:28,636 The Prime of Miss Jean's Booty. 280 00:18:28,727 --> 00:18:30,365 SHARRONA: See you. DWAIN: Please. 281 00:18:39,007 --> 00:18:40,486 SHARRONA: Taxi! Taxi! 282 00:18:41,807 --> 00:18:43,206 Broadway and 86th. I'm in a hurry. 283 00:18:43,287 --> 00:18:44,436 RAMU: Sharrona! 284 00:18:44,527 --> 00:18:47,724 (Upbeat instrumental music) 285 00:19:03,487 --> 00:19:06,559 RUSTY: Guys, you seen Miss Lynell around? BOY: Who? 286 00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:10,037 I'm telling you, bro, she's definitely two-timing you with the librarian. 287 00:19:10,127 --> 00:19:13,199 Why don't we go to O'Neill's? We drown out your sorrows. 288 00:19:14,207 --> 00:19:15,799 - Hey. - Hey. 289 00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:18,842 Thanks, guys. I'll catch you in the a.m., Randy. 290 00:19:18,927 --> 00:19:21,236 Not if I catch you first, firebug. 291 00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:23,485 Where you been, princess? 292 00:19:23,807 --> 00:19:27,925 One of the foreign students had a problem straightening out his grammar. 293 00:19:29,287 --> 00:19:30,515 'Bye, guys. 294 00:19:32,887 --> 00:19:34,320 Not a very friendly group. 295 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,796 They're never nice to substitutes. 296 00:19:38,087 --> 00:19:40,681 (Upbeat instrumental music) 297 00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:47,041 GREETER: Nice to see you, Mr. And Mrs. De Borman. 298 00:19:47,127 --> 00:19:49,402 Service entrance is downstairs. 299 00:19:49,807 --> 00:19:50,922 Okay. 300 00:19:54,167 --> 00:19:55,964 EDWIN: Good evening, Lloyd. 301 00:19:56,327 --> 00:19:59,399 EDWIN: Lars, your sister's locked herself in the bathroom again. 302 00:19:59,487 --> 00:20:01,239 Please, get her now. 303 00:20:01,327 --> 00:20:05,206 (Upbeat instrumental music) 304 00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:06,845 (Laughter and party chatter) 305 00:20:08,727 --> 00:20:12,515 (Conversing in Hindi) 306 00:20:12,607 --> 00:20:14,962 So, Swami, you really see the future? 307 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,242 A couple more of these and I do. 308 00:20:17,327 --> 00:20:20,160 As many of you know, our birthday girl... 309 00:20:20,247 --> 00:20:22,841 is on a little quest for spirituality. 310 00:20:23,927 --> 00:20:27,966 Om. 311 00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:33,158 Om. 312 00:20:39,087 --> 00:20:39,963 LARS: Lex? 313 00:20:40,527 --> 00:20:43,519 One more "Om" and then you have to come to your party. 314 00:20:43,607 --> 00:20:46,440 It always has to be what she wants, even on my birthday. 315 00:20:46,527 --> 00:20:49,963 I wanted a Tibetan gathering with a Rinpoche... 316 00:20:50,047 --> 00:20:53,835 but no, she does an Indian feast with a... 317 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,157 ...world-famous swami. 318 00:20:56,727 --> 00:20:58,922 SWAMI BU: All those people care about is sex and money. 319 00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:01,043 If they have money, they care about sex. 320 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,163 SWAMI BU: If they have sex, they care about money. 321 00:21:03,247 --> 00:21:06,444 If they have both, they feel guilty and raise money for the opera. 322 00:21:06,527 --> 00:21:09,280 More tandoori in the library. Swami, you're on. 323 00:21:14,047 --> 00:21:16,686 CHANTAL: Alexandra searched for so many years. 324 00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:19,440 In the shoe department at Bergdorf's. 325 00:21:20,047 --> 00:21:24,245 She has searched for the perfect diet, the perfect rock star boyfriend. 326 00:21:24,967 --> 00:21:29,677 It seems Lexi will search for anything except steady employment. 327 00:21:30,967 --> 00:21:34,801 So, dear Lexi, in honour of your current fixation... 328 00:21:34,887 --> 00:21:37,606 I give you Swami Bu. 329 00:21:38,127 --> 00:21:40,721 VIJAY: Swami Bu has gone to another dimension. 330 00:21:41,407 --> 00:21:43,318 I swear she was 16. 331 00:21:43,407 --> 00:21:45,762 Mrs. Von Austerberg is going to kill me! 332 00:21:45,847 --> 00:21:48,805 She paid a lot of money for a swami, and now we have no swami. 333 00:21:48,887 --> 00:21:51,481 We have jack shit! Or we don't have jack shit. 334 00:21:51,567 --> 00:21:53,080 I don't know which one it is! 335 00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:56,204 What we do have is a drunk bastard. You... 336 00:21:56,807 --> 00:21:58,081 Didn't I fire you? 337 00:21:58,167 --> 00:22:00,840 Rasphal, I was just wondering about my job. 338 00:22:02,567 --> 00:22:04,364 You really want your job back? 339 00:22:04,447 --> 00:22:06,642 RASPHAL: Mr. Ramu "Tom Cruise" Gupta? 340 00:22:09,887 --> 00:22:11,161 CHANTAL: Swami Bu! 341 00:22:14,287 --> 00:22:16,243 Swami Bu! 342 00:22:17,047 --> 00:22:18,924 I'm conjuring up a swami. 343 00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:24,761 CHANTAL: Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Swami Bu. 344 00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,206 Not long ago... 345 00:22:37,207 --> 00:22:42,122 a wise man told me that all people care about is sex and money... 346 00:22:42,767 --> 00:22:44,166 and opera. 347 00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:48,717 Now, myself, I don't have any money... 348 00:22:49,007 --> 00:22:51,840 well, because I'm a swami, and... 349 00:22:52,487 --> 00:22:55,877 swamis don't like opera, because... 350 00:22:56,527 --> 00:22:58,518 well, you can't dance to it. 351 00:23:00,767 --> 00:23:02,917 So I will talk to you about sex. 352 00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:04,963 Wha�d you pay for this? 353 00:23:06,047 --> 00:23:07,958 God, is it hot in here. 354 00:23:10,247 --> 00:23:11,316 God. 355 00:23:13,047 --> 00:23:15,356 God wants us to have sex. 356 00:23:18,487 --> 00:23:21,923 And if God wants us to have sex, then, well, it can't be bad... 357 00:23:22,727 --> 00:23:25,525 because the universe isn't run by a big old perv. 358 00:23:25,927 --> 00:23:27,645 Glad he cleared that up. 359 00:23:27,887 --> 00:23:29,639 Your naked body... 360 00:23:30,207 --> 00:23:33,438 is like a costume that you wear to be yourself. 361 00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:36,039 Be comfortable... 362 00:23:37,407 --> 00:23:38,840 in your nakedness. 363 00:23:43,287 --> 00:23:47,075 The most powerful sexual organ God gave you... 364 00:23:47,647 --> 00:23:49,000 is your brain. 365 00:23:51,287 --> 00:23:52,845 RAMU: Think about it. 366 00:23:54,767 --> 00:23:56,405 Are you thinking? 367 00:23:56,647 --> 00:23:58,956 My whole body is about to think. 368 00:24:02,647 --> 00:24:06,720 And like roses are made to open, so must you. 369 00:24:07,207 --> 00:24:10,836 You must open your rosebud. 370 00:24:18,527 --> 00:24:20,404 Dance is like love. 371 00:24:20,487 --> 00:24:22,364 (Electronic backbeat) 372 00:24:22,447 --> 00:24:23,675 Join me. 373 00:24:26,927 --> 00:24:28,724 Follow your inner beat. 374 00:24:28,807 --> 00:24:33,005 (Quickening electronic backbeat) 375 00:24:33,887 --> 00:24:36,720 - Is he doing the Macarena? - Looks like it. 376 00:24:37,247 --> 00:24:39,283 Wait, isn't that the... 377 00:24:39,647 --> 00:24:43,276 I think i�s one of those dervish, spiritual, trance-dance things. 378 00:24:45,967 --> 00:24:49,755 (Sings joyous Hindi song) 379 00:24:51,047 --> 00:24:54,926 (Upbeat Hindi dance music) 380 00:25:00,487 --> 00:25:03,763 (Whistles of approval) 381 00:25:17,567 --> 00:25:19,046 VIJAY: Excellent. Come on. 382 00:25:19,127 --> 00:25:22,597 (Sings joyous Hindi song) 383 00:25:32,327 --> 00:25:35,717 I thought we were just going to do some light chanting. 384 00:25:58,887 --> 00:26:01,560 (Whistles of approval) 385 00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:17,884 (Silence) 386 00:26:17,967 --> 00:26:18,956 ALL: Bravo. 387 00:26:19,687 --> 00:26:21,359 The Macarena, man. 388 00:26:21,447 --> 00:26:22,846 Shut up. 389 00:26:24,847 --> 00:26:26,121 Swami Bu! 390 00:26:27,207 --> 00:26:29,482 We're going clubbing. You want to come? 391 00:26:29,767 --> 00:26:32,042 Unless i�s against your religion or something. 392 00:26:32,127 --> 00:26:34,561 No, my religion believes in clubbing. 393 00:26:46,327 --> 00:26:48,238 LEXl: Swami Bu. RAMU: Call me Ramu. 394 00:26:56,207 --> 00:26:58,357 Candles. We need candles. 395 00:27:02,487 --> 00:27:05,365 You can't have spiritual sex without candles. 396 00:27:07,647 --> 00:27:10,115 You must use a lot of candles in India. 397 00:27:10,207 --> 00:27:12,437 When the electricity goes out. 398 00:27:16,607 --> 00:27:19,565 Undress me slowly, spiritually... 399 00:27:20,287 --> 00:27:21,800 like a goddess. 400 00:27:22,087 --> 00:27:24,681 Pretend I'm Vishnu. 401 00:27:25,847 --> 00:27:27,439 Vishnu is a man. 402 00:27:28,447 --> 00:27:29,562 Kali? 403 00:27:29,927 --> 00:27:32,885 Kali is the goddess of death and destruction. 404 00:27:33,567 --> 00:27:35,046 LEXl: Okay. Death and destruction. 405 00:27:38,887 --> 00:27:40,036 Music. 406 00:27:40,807 --> 00:27:42,286 LEXl: We need music. 407 00:27:43,967 --> 00:27:45,480 Not really, no. 408 00:27:47,247 --> 00:27:48,646 This is perfect. 409 00:27:49,047 --> 00:27:51,322 I�s the Guatemalan Boys Choir. 410 00:27:51,767 --> 00:27:53,200 They're deaf. 411 00:28:01,567 --> 00:28:03,797 I'm having sex with a guru. 412 00:28:05,127 --> 00:28:06,765 Chakh le. 413 00:28:08,167 --> 00:28:09,725 I�s so powerful. 414 00:28:09,807 --> 00:28:11,479 I can stand alone. 415 00:28:11,567 --> 00:28:14,445 It feels like we're doing it. Right now. 416 00:28:14,887 --> 00:28:17,924 From there, i�s like... It feels like we're doing it. 417 00:28:18,007 --> 00:28:21,716 Right now, from there, i�s like you're pulsating through me. 418 00:28:21,807 --> 00:28:24,037 I�s better from here. Trust me. 419 00:28:25,927 --> 00:28:28,760 Oh, Guru, what is the most sacred position? 420 00:28:28,847 --> 00:28:30,439 (Chanting) 421 00:28:30,767 --> 00:28:34,362 You may find this hard to believe, but in India guru sex is very fast. 422 00:28:34,447 --> 00:28:36,677 What about the slow chanting 200 position sex? 423 00:28:36,767 --> 00:28:38,246 Tha�s Tibet. 424 00:28:38,327 --> 00:28:42,036 Where I come from, we do it very fast. Like wild monkeys at sundown. 425 00:28:42,127 --> 00:28:44,880 And if we don't, the evil spirits might grab our tails... 426 00:28:44,967 --> 00:28:47,162 and throw us into the next jungle. 427 00:28:47,247 --> 00:28:49,636 (Drums beating slowly) 428 00:28:49,927 --> 00:28:51,918 (Makes monkey sounds) 429 00:28:57,567 --> 00:28:59,956 You know what? Don't get me started. 430 00:29:00,207 --> 00:29:02,004 You know what Father Flanagan says: 431 00:29:02,087 --> 00:29:05,636 "How you gonna teach kids values if you haven't lived them yourself?" 432 00:29:05,727 --> 00:29:08,685 RUSTY: Will you hate me if I make you wait? SHARRONA: No, I love you. 433 00:29:08,767 --> 00:29:11,156 I'm proud to save myself for you. 434 00:29:12,327 --> 00:29:14,636 You know what? You're the best. 435 00:29:17,247 --> 00:29:19,238 RUSTY: Honey, can I ask you a question? 436 00:29:19,367 --> 00:29:21,437 How does a nice, Catholic schoolgirl like you... 437 00:29:21,567 --> 00:29:24,525 learn how to make all those sexy little sounds? 438 00:29:24,847 --> 00:29:27,600 Well, me and my friends used to practice kissing. 439 00:29:27,687 --> 00:29:29,086 On our hands. 440 00:29:34,607 --> 00:29:37,326 Tha�s silly. The second half is starting. 441 00:29:38,207 --> 00:29:41,882 (Mystical Indian music) 442 00:30:06,807 --> 00:30:10,436 LEXl: Remember when I had that thing with my African drumming teacher? 443 00:30:10,527 --> 00:30:13,041 I don't know. He just got really needy. 444 00:30:13,607 --> 00:30:15,882 But this one is the real thing. 445 00:30:16,447 --> 00:30:20,406 Not a lot of people know about him yet. I�s up to me to get his message out there. 446 00:30:20,487 --> 00:30:23,126 LEXl: Anyway, he's gonna be bigger than Deepak Chopra. 447 00:30:23,207 --> 00:30:25,482 Ramu is the guru of sex. 448 00:30:26,967 --> 00:30:30,437 (Sensual hip-hop music) 449 00:30:40,887 --> 00:30:42,559 VIJAY: The guru of sex. 450 00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:46,079 She really thinks you can be as famous as Deepak Chopra? 451 00:30:46,167 --> 00:30:47,680 Who is he? Does he dance? 452 00:30:47,767 --> 00:30:50,918 No, he tells Americans how to get rich and be happy. 453 00:30:51,007 --> 00:30:52,759 I thought they knew. 454 00:30:53,447 --> 00:30:56,598 - Have you even tried the Kama Sutra? - No, have you? 455 00:30:56,687 --> 00:30:58,040 A little. 456 00:30:58,647 --> 00:30:59,966 By myself. 457 00:31:01,487 --> 00:31:05,162 But, Vijay, I don't want to be a guru. I want to be an actor. 458 00:31:05,407 --> 00:31:08,797 Then act like a guru. I�s better than acting like a waiter. 459 00:31:09,287 --> 00:31:11,721 So, who writes the lines for Deepak Chopra? 460 00:31:11,807 --> 00:31:15,004 They're not lines. He has a philosophy and shit. 461 00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:18,324 These guru-types don't just put on turbans and screw chicks. 462 00:31:18,407 --> 00:31:21,604 They say profound things they've been thinking about for centuries. 463 00:31:21,687 --> 00:31:24,804 The point is the guy's made a gazillion dollars. 464 00:31:24,927 --> 00:31:26,679 A gazillion dollars? 465 00:31:26,847 --> 00:31:28,121 Wha�s that in rupees? 466 00:31:28,207 --> 00:31:30,641 I don't think they have that many. 467 00:31:31,047 --> 00:31:33,800 VIJAY: Sex guru. Why didn't I think of that? 468 00:31:35,087 --> 00:31:38,557 (Loud dance music) 469 00:31:42,687 --> 00:31:44,643 LEXl: I want the suede, not the leather. 470 00:31:44,727 --> 00:31:46,126 I want every colour. 471 00:31:46,207 --> 00:31:49,517 LEXl: No, I'm staying in town, so have them sent to New York. 472 00:31:49,607 --> 00:31:51,404 Okay. I gotta go. 473 00:31:53,167 --> 00:31:54,646 Guru Ramu. 474 00:31:54,807 --> 00:31:57,241 Thank you for gracing me with your presence. 475 00:31:57,327 --> 00:31:58,760 Champagne? 476 00:31:58,887 --> 00:32:01,355 I hope you don't mind. I invited Amy to join us. 477 00:32:01,447 --> 00:32:02,846 She's a journalist. 478 00:32:02,927 --> 00:32:05,521 A journalist? No. 479 00:32:10,207 --> 00:32:14,485 So, as the son of the Maharajah, when did you have your epiphany? 480 00:32:16,487 --> 00:32:18,045 When I was 15. 481 00:32:18,287 --> 00:32:19,800 Tell us everything. 482 00:32:19,887 --> 00:32:23,004 It was: I'll touch yours, you touch mine. 483 00:32:23,167 --> 00:32:24,646 No big deal. 484 00:32:29,807 --> 00:32:34,278 Do you know who or what you were in any of your previous incarnations? 485 00:32:36,247 --> 00:32:37,475 Dessert? 486 00:32:38,887 --> 00:32:40,366 AMY: Tha�s me. 487 00:32:41,527 --> 00:32:43,245 I was hoping to schedule a scrub. 488 00:32:43,327 --> 00:32:46,239 It seems like you're holding back, just a little. 489 00:32:46,327 --> 00:32:48,921 What you said at my party was so much more powerful. 490 00:32:49,007 --> 00:32:51,282 God, rosebud, the naked costume, and all that. 491 00:32:51,367 --> 00:32:52,436 Right. 492 00:32:52,527 --> 00:32:55,087 You know, Lexi, maybe I'm not the one to do all this. 493 00:32:56,287 --> 00:32:57,276 Wow. 494 00:33:00,967 --> 00:33:02,639 Alexandra, hi. 495 00:33:03,487 --> 00:33:06,001 - How's your mother? - Remarkably lifelike. 496 00:33:06,087 --> 00:33:07,725 Guru Ramu, Kitty. 497 00:33:07,927 --> 00:33:09,042 Guru? 498 00:33:09,367 --> 00:33:11,881 - Does he do privates? - Does he ever. 499 00:33:11,967 --> 00:33:13,525 - Tuesday? - Perfect. 500 00:33:13,607 --> 00:33:15,165 - Heaven. - Ciao. 501 00:33:17,087 --> 00:33:18,918 You do privates, right? 502 00:33:21,967 --> 00:33:24,083 You'll get a call-back. Adios, Waldo. 503 00:33:24,167 --> 00:33:25,919 - Great job today. - Thanks. 504 00:33:28,447 --> 00:33:31,962 - Hi. I�s me. Rammy. - Hello. 505 00:33:32,407 --> 00:33:35,319 I just wanted to apologise for what happened on the set. 506 00:33:35,407 --> 00:33:36,806 I got paid. 507 00:33:37,167 --> 00:33:38,839 RAMU: Excuse me, sir. MAN: Watch it, pal. 508 00:33:38,927 --> 00:33:40,360 RAMU: I'm so sorry. 509 00:33:42,887 --> 00:33:44,525 RAMU: I'm so sorry. Pardon me. 510 00:33:45,127 --> 00:33:46,845 Excuse me, ma'am. 511 00:33:47,927 --> 00:33:49,326 Hello, again. 512 00:33:49,647 --> 00:33:51,399 So now you're stalking me? 513 00:33:51,927 --> 00:33:54,839 No, I was hoping perhaps I could buy you a cup of tea? 514 00:33:54,927 --> 00:33:56,599 I don't do that. 515 00:33:57,007 --> 00:33:58,281 Perhaps coffee then. 516 00:33:58,367 --> 00:34:01,325 Look, Rammy, I'm engaged to a nice, normal guy. 517 00:34:01,607 --> 00:34:05,122 Do you know how hard it is to find a nice, normal guy in the city? 518 00:34:05,207 --> 00:34:06,196 Right? 519 00:34:06,287 --> 00:34:08,721 I just want your help with a professional problem. 520 00:34:08,807 --> 00:34:12,243 Would you stop worrying about it? A lot of guys can't get it up. 521 00:34:14,687 --> 00:34:16,006 You don't understand. 522 00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:18,840 People are telling me I could be the next Deepak Chopra. 523 00:34:18,927 --> 00:34:21,236 Well, I'm not familiar with Deep-Pack. 524 00:34:21,487 --> 00:34:24,718 I don't watch dirty movies because my fiance's kinda religious. 525 00:34:24,807 --> 00:34:27,924 No, I have an opportunity to make a lot of money. 526 00:34:28,007 --> 00:34:31,477 Duh! Why do you think I got into this business, 'cause it was interesting? 527 00:34:31,567 --> 00:34:34,445 In three years I saved enough to buy a house in Throg's Neck... 528 00:34:34,527 --> 00:34:36,802 and pay for my whole wedding. Mulberry Street. 529 00:34:36,887 --> 00:34:39,117 Do you want to see the cake? 530 00:34:39,607 --> 00:34:40,642 Grazie, ciao. 531 00:34:40,727 --> 00:34:43,002 SHARRONA: Hi, I'm Sherri, I called earlier. Are you Tony? 532 00:34:43,087 --> 00:34:44,805 Yeah, I got everything over there. 533 00:34:50,927 --> 00:34:52,360 SHARRONA: Tha�s... TONY: Expensive. 534 00:34:53,207 --> 00:34:54,879 TONY: I�s $800. 535 00:34:56,167 --> 00:34:59,443 You see this one? This is more in your price range. 536 00:35:03,167 --> 00:35:05,362 - Tha�s very nice, too. - Yeah. 537 00:35:05,527 --> 00:35:07,722 Actually, sir, we will order this one. 538 00:35:07,807 --> 00:35:10,685 - I want my lovely bride to be happy. - Rammy, no. 539 00:35:10,767 --> 00:35:13,918 TONY: Now, you two kids discuss it amongst yourselves, okay? 540 00:35:14,007 --> 00:35:16,396 Rammy, $800 is too much. I can't accept that. 541 00:35:16,487 --> 00:35:18,045 Look, i�s not a gift. 542 00:35:18,127 --> 00:35:22,279 I want you to be my teacher and I'm happy to pay for this privilege. 543 00:35:22,967 --> 00:35:27,245 (Mandolin strumming wedding song) 544 00:35:27,807 --> 00:35:28,922 Okay. 545 00:35:32,607 --> 00:35:36,486 (Upbeat instrumental music) 546 00:35:47,327 --> 00:35:48,806 (Doorbell rings) 547 00:35:53,527 --> 00:35:55,165 Yeah, come on in. 548 00:35:55,967 --> 00:35:58,356 If this is a bad time I could come back later. 549 00:35:58,447 --> 00:35:59,926 What am I doing here? 550 00:36:00,007 --> 00:36:01,918 - Isn't this your apartment? - What? 551 00:36:02,007 --> 00:36:03,360 Yes, this is my apartment. 552 00:36:03,447 --> 00:36:06,007 I mean, what am I doing letting you into my apartment? 553 00:36:06,087 --> 00:36:08,043 - The other day... - Rusty, my boyfriend... 554 00:36:08,127 --> 00:36:10,721 doesn't know about my X-rated job in the real world. 555 00:36:10,807 --> 00:36:14,197 He thinks that I'm a PG-13 girl. That I'm a nice, normal girl. 556 00:36:14,287 --> 00:36:15,879 - Well, you are. - What? 557 00:36:15,967 --> 00:36:17,719 A nice, normal girl. 558 00:36:18,287 --> 00:36:19,720 You think so? 559 00:36:22,127 --> 00:36:24,322 Wait a second. Do not flirt with me. 560 00:36:24,407 --> 00:36:26,796 Do not. That is rule number one. 561 00:36:27,487 --> 00:36:29,557 Okay? And no little gifts either. 562 00:36:29,847 --> 00:36:30,996 SHARRONA: Rule number two: 563 00:36:31,087 --> 00:36:34,079 You don't try to hit on me or take advantage of any situation... 564 00:36:34,167 --> 00:36:37,557 that you might find a turn-on. Do you understand? This is just a lesson. 565 00:36:37,647 --> 00:36:40,207 - I am a teacher and you are the student. - Of course. 566 00:36:40,287 --> 00:36:41,959 So, no touchy-feely. 567 00:36:42,047 --> 00:36:44,117 If you touchy-feely me, I will hurt you. 568 00:36:44,207 --> 00:36:46,926 I will cause you pain. I know the art of karate. 569 00:36:48,327 --> 00:36:49,442 Okay. 570 00:36:49,927 --> 00:36:53,920 Okay, rule number three: If we're gonna do this, you have to promise me... 571 00:36:54,007 --> 00:36:57,317 that everything I say stays in this room. You can't tell anyone. 572 00:36:57,407 --> 00:37:00,126 - Not a single soul. - No, you see, you don't understand... 573 00:37:00,207 --> 00:37:01,799 Then you can leave right now. 574 00:37:08,207 --> 00:37:09,686 But of course. 575 00:37:10,607 --> 00:37:12,723 Okay. Le�s get started. 576 00:37:17,047 --> 00:37:20,278 So the other day, what happened? Why did you lose it? 577 00:37:20,927 --> 00:37:22,360 I was afraid. 578 00:37:23,127 --> 00:37:26,722 There were 20 people around, many drinking coffee, watching me. 579 00:37:26,807 --> 00:37:28,320 Exactly. Fear. 580 00:37:28,727 --> 00:37:30,877 Fear is cold. It freezes us up. 581 00:37:30,967 --> 00:37:32,320 Fear of performance. 582 00:37:32,407 --> 00:37:35,479 Fear of doing something bad, something dirty. 583 00:37:35,567 --> 00:37:38,035 SHARRONA: What would our parents think? What do we think? 584 00:37:38,127 --> 00:37:40,118 Do you know where we hold our fears? 585 00:37:40,207 --> 00:37:41,435 Up here. 586 00:37:41,647 --> 00:37:43,126 Further south. 587 00:37:43,247 --> 00:37:45,761 Tha�s why sex is such a release. 588 00:37:50,047 --> 00:37:52,800 When we come, we let go of our fears. 589 00:37:52,887 --> 00:37:56,163 And when we let go of our fears, we touch our soul. 590 00:37:57,127 --> 00:37:58,958 So the way I look at it is... 591 00:37:59,407 --> 00:38:02,240 my pussy is the door to my soul. 592 00:38:04,287 --> 00:38:05,402 (Mystical sitar music) 593 00:38:06,847 --> 00:38:08,883 Why are you afraid, Kitty? 594 00:38:09,327 --> 00:38:11,238 Well, what makes you think I'm afraid? 595 00:38:13,687 --> 00:38:15,006 I feel it. 596 00:38:16,447 --> 00:38:18,403 RAMU: Please, close your eyes. 597 00:38:21,687 --> 00:38:23,518 We have so many fears. 598 00:38:24,687 --> 00:38:26,484 "Fear of performance. 599 00:38:27,447 --> 00:38:29,597 "Fear of doing something bad." 600 00:38:30,687 --> 00:38:33,076 Fear of what people will think. 601 00:38:33,527 --> 00:38:34,846 Yes. 602 00:38:37,447 --> 00:38:40,405 Do you know where we hold our fears? 603 00:38:41,407 --> 00:38:45,241 Between our eyebrows where we get those yucky little lines? 604 00:38:47,287 --> 00:38:48,879 In our genitals. 605 00:38:49,727 --> 00:38:52,560 That is why sex is such a release. 606 00:38:53,207 --> 00:38:55,801 When we come, we let go of our fears... 607 00:38:56,607 --> 00:38:59,997 and when you let go of your fears, you touch your soul. 608 00:39:02,487 --> 00:39:06,400 Your pussy is the door to your soul. 609 00:39:10,607 --> 00:39:13,599 KITTY: So, if I touch myself here... 610 00:39:14,367 --> 00:39:15,516 Kitty? 611 00:39:16,847 --> 00:39:18,644 ...I won't be afraid? 612 00:39:24,847 --> 00:39:27,361 Excuse me. How much do I owe you? 613 00:39:27,887 --> 00:39:29,366 What you wish. 614 00:39:29,687 --> 00:39:33,680 I'm sorry. I need to be by myself. 615 00:39:36,527 --> 00:39:38,757 Lexi, he is beyond insightful. 616 00:39:39,367 --> 00:39:40,880 KITTY: I have to go. 617 00:39:41,007 --> 00:39:43,999 KITTY: Thank you. RAMU: You're welcome. Nice to meet you. 618 00:39:44,807 --> 00:39:46,638 RAMU: Wow. She paid me. 619 00:39:48,487 --> 00:39:50,000 You're incredible. 620 00:39:50,247 --> 00:39:53,603 Kitty's such an unhappy person and you helped her so much. 621 00:39:53,927 --> 00:39:56,999 Just think, there are so many unhappy people out there. 622 00:39:57,167 --> 00:39:58,919 I know most of them. 623 00:39:59,327 --> 00:40:02,683 LEXl: But we can help them together. I really want to do that. I've never... 624 00:40:02,767 --> 00:40:04,678 really done anything, you know. 625 00:40:04,767 --> 00:40:06,803 Can we do that? Can we... 626 00:40:07,487 --> 00:40:08,920 help mankind? 627 00:40:09,247 --> 00:40:11,238 I really want to help mankind. 628 00:40:11,367 --> 00:40:12,482 Cool. 629 00:40:15,687 --> 00:40:17,405 VIJAY: $2,000! 630 00:40:19,847 --> 00:40:21,803 I�s bloody incredible. 631 00:40:22,647 --> 00:40:25,366 But i�s not my wisdom, i�s Sharrona's. 632 00:40:25,447 --> 00:40:28,359 She thinks she gives me lessons to be in porno movies... 633 00:40:28,447 --> 00:40:30,597 and she made me promise not to tell anyone. 634 00:40:30,687 --> 00:40:32,484 - Great. - Vij, be serious. 635 00:40:32,567 --> 00:40:33,920 I am, yaar. 636 00:40:34,767 --> 00:40:36,917 Get her wisdom and use it. 637 00:40:37,687 --> 00:40:40,042 - Don't you want to be a star? - Well, yes... 638 00:40:40,127 --> 00:40:43,483 How do you think tha�s going to happen if you're not a guru? 639 00:40:43,567 --> 00:40:45,876 Name one Indian star in America. 640 00:40:46,167 --> 00:40:47,441 Name one. 641 00:40:47,887 --> 00:40:49,605 That guy from The Simpsons. 642 00:40:49,807 --> 00:40:51,320 He's a cartoon. 643 00:40:53,047 --> 00:40:55,925 Don't you guys have to be at the restaurant? 644 00:40:56,207 --> 00:40:58,004 Ramu's got a new job. 645 00:40:58,487 --> 00:41:00,523 You gonna be a cab driver? 646 00:41:03,047 --> 00:41:06,005 No, I'm going to be a guru. 647 00:41:08,407 --> 00:41:09,920 Cheers, Guruji. 648 00:41:10,007 --> 00:41:13,477 (Upbeat soul music) 649 00:41:18,527 --> 00:41:19,596 Vij! 650 00:41:24,127 --> 00:41:27,517 Come on, you want to get comfortable in your naked costume, don't you? 651 00:41:27,607 --> 00:41:29,837 You need to be comfortable with your own body. 652 00:41:29,927 --> 00:41:32,043 Okey-dokey pokey. 653 00:41:33,727 --> 00:41:34,796 Great. 654 00:41:35,687 --> 00:41:37,086 Your nakedness. 655 00:41:37,167 --> 00:41:38,600 SHARRONA: Say that five times. 656 00:41:38,687 --> 00:41:40,359 I'm a good lover. 657 00:41:41,927 --> 00:41:44,725 - And again. - I'm a good lover. 658 00:41:52,927 --> 00:41:54,724 I deserve pleasure. 659 00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:58,122 Budweiser: The Maharaj of beer. 660 00:42:03,487 --> 00:42:04,602 Next. 661 00:42:07,127 --> 00:42:09,960 You two are gonna have a wonderful weekend. 662 00:42:16,647 --> 00:42:19,115 CLIENT: I'm a good lover. RAMU: Thank you. That was very good. 663 00:42:19,207 --> 00:42:20,640 That was very good. Stop. 664 00:42:26,727 --> 00:42:31,039 Guru, my brother golfs with the maharajah of Jaipur, Bubbles. 665 00:42:31,127 --> 00:42:33,641 And he says he's never heard of you. 666 00:42:34,447 --> 00:42:36,199 Well, i�s a big country. 667 00:42:36,287 --> 00:42:38,960 LEXl: Gurus shun the life of wealth and materialism. 668 00:42:39,047 --> 00:42:41,561 Swami Muktananda said everything in the universe... 669 00:42:41,647 --> 00:42:43,319 is made of divine consciousness... 670 00:42:43,407 --> 00:42:46,843 and its innermost form dwells in the centre of us all. 671 00:42:49,367 --> 00:42:51,437 Wow, tha�s good. 672 00:42:58,927 --> 00:43:01,395 Lexi, can I see you in the kitchen? 673 00:43:02,767 --> 00:43:04,723 Do you know where it is? 674 00:43:12,407 --> 00:43:13,760 So, Guru... 675 00:43:14,287 --> 00:43:17,438 what would you tell a couple that has hit a wall? 676 00:43:18,127 --> 00:43:19,799 "Are you all right? 677 00:43:19,887 --> 00:43:21,878 "Can I get you a doctor?" 678 00:43:27,207 --> 00:43:29,357 CHANTAL: What in heaven's name are you doing? 679 00:43:29,447 --> 00:43:32,962 Being happy for a change. Freely expressing my sexuality. 680 00:43:33,047 --> 00:43:36,403 You are sucking face with your yoga instructor. 681 00:43:36,487 --> 00:43:39,047 He's not my yoga instructor. And so what if I am? 682 00:43:39,127 --> 00:43:40,355 Darling... 683 00:43:40,447 --> 00:43:42,403 we don't date the help. 684 00:43:42,687 --> 00:43:45,645 Remember what happened with Aunt Eujanie and that U.P.S. man? 685 00:43:45,727 --> 00:43:48,764 News flash, Mother, all people of colour aren't here to serve you. 686 00:43:48,847 --> 00:43:52,522 How dare you say that! I have served meals to the homeless. 687 00:43:52,607 --> 00:43:55,804 Good meals. Things I'd eat myself, if I still ate carbs. 688 00:43:55,887 --> 00:43:59,436 At any rate, you are making our guests feel very uncomfortable. 689 00:43:59,527 --> 00:44:01,279 They'll get over it. 690 00:44:02,967 --> 00:44:05,003 MALE GUEST: You're drinking too much. 691 00:44:07,527 --> 00:44:09,483 Darling, come join. 692 00:44:10,207 --> 00:44:11,276 Hi. 693 00:44:11,567 --> 00:44:13,956 MALE GUEST: Yes. RAMU: Thank you very much. 694 00:44:15,047 --> 00:44:18,164 SHARRONA: Can you feel it in your mouth? Can you taste it? 695 00:44:18,807 --> 00:44:20,525 The taste is sweet. 696 00:44:21,327 --> 00:44:22,919 The taste is... 697 00:44:23,967 --> 00:44:25,719 Mint chocolate chip. 698 00:44:26,247 --> 00:44:28,636 Okay, you can open your eyes now. 699 00:44:29,727 --> 00:44:33,481 I got that from an acting class. It helps when you don't click with someone. 700 00:44:33,567 --> 00:44:35,558 Remember that we have five senses... 701 00:44:35,647 --> 00:44:38,286 and using them can make anything sexy. 702 00:44:39,727 --> 00:44:42,719 So, why do you do these movies? 703 00:44:45,607 --> 00:44:49,725 If you're having doubts about the business then you should quit now. Trust me. 704 00:44:55,287 --> 00:44:56,925 You like to cook. 705 00:44:57,927 --> 00:45:00,521 In India, we call that a homely girl. 706 00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:04,001 You know, a girl who likes to do things in the home. 707 00:45:04,087 --> 00:45:06,317 Yeah, tha�s me, homely girl. 708 00:45:07,007 --> 00:45:08,406 Can I taste? 709 00:45:21,887 --> 00:45:24,765 Cinnamon? Hey, tha�s lamb stew. 710 00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:26,917 Yeah, so? It has no flavour. 711 00:45:27,647 --> 00:45:29,000 Come on... 712 00:45:29,367 --> 00:45:30,516 taste. 713 00:45:37,967 --> 00:45:39,958 Are you flirting with me? 714 00:45:40,487 --> 00:45:41,715 No. No. 715 00:45:44,207 --> 00:45:45,401 Got you. 716 00:45:46,287 --> 00:45:48,596 Don't take everything so seriously. 717 00:45:48,687 --> 00:45:51,326 - All right, tha�s it for today. - Okay. 718 00:45:52,927 --> 00:45:54,519 And, Rammy... 719 00:45:54,687 --> 00:45:56,962 I use mint chocolate chip, too. 720 00:46:08,607 --> 00:46:10,325 Edwin, is that you? 721 00:46:11,567 --> 00:46:15,924 Wha�s wrong? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration. 722 00:46:22,007 --> 00:46:23,520 I�s Bush time. 723 00:46:25,407 --> 00:46:27,284 (Edwin growls) 724 00:46:34,207 --> 00:46:37,040 And tell Josh that a lot of agents want to sign him. 725 00:46:37,127 --> 00:46:38,242 Lexi. 726 00:46:38,887 --> 00:46:41,765 We met at Dr. Si�s retreat for neurotic compulsives. 727 00:46:41,847 --> 00:46:43,803 I'm not supposed to say that. 728 00:46:43,887 --> 00:46:46,959 Lexi who wouldn't go to the Oscars with him. Don't say that. 729 00:46:47,047 --> 00:46:50,357 Just tell him Lexi, okay? He'll know who I am. Ciao. 730 00:46:52,607 --> 00:46:56,043 - Get up, we have the trainer at 10:00 a.m. - 10:00 a.m.? 731 00:46:57,127 --> 00:46:59,846 I have to go. I have an appointment. 732 00:46:59,927 --> 00:47:03,044 But I planned my day around you. I was going to buy you sweaters. 733 00:47:03,127 --> 00:47:06,085 I'm sorry, Lexi, but I have my own life, too. 734 00:47:06,727 --> 00:47:10,766 You can't do this to me. You can't just go and not tell me where. 735 00:47:12,727 --> 00:47:13,796 Guru! 736 00:47:14,807 --> 00:47:16,843 LEXI (Shouts): I have abandonment issues! 737 00:47:19,127 --> 00:47:22,199 Okay, now I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone... 738 00:47:22,287 --> 00:47:24,323 but i�s helped me more than anything. 739 00:47:24,407 --> 00:47:26,523 I can't even believe I'm telling you this. 740 00:47:26,607 --> 00:47:29,997 - You don't have to tell me if you don't want. - No, I want to. 741 00:47:30,087 --> 00:47:31,839 Okay, one of the biggest problems... 742 00:47:31,927 --> 00:47:34,919 is making something mechanical look romantic. 743 00:47:35,007 --> 00:47:36,725 So music can help. 744 00:47:36,967 --> 00:47:38,923 - I love music. - Me, too. 745 00:47:39,247 --> 00:47:43,399 What I do is, I hear and I feel the music... 746 00:47:43,887 --> 00:47:45,240 in my body. 747 00:47:46,567 --> 00:47:47,920 What music? 748 00:47:48,167 --> 00:47:51,159 Songs, romantic songs. Like, I let it sing... 749 00:47:51,367 --> 00:47:53,756 and then the rest of me follows. 750 00:47:55,007 --> 00:47:57,123 I'll show you. Name a song. 751 00:47:58,127 --> 00:47:59,401 La Bamba. 752 00:48:01,487 --> 00:48:04,081 (Sharrona sings softly) 753 00:48:05,327 --> 00:48:10,196 That doesn't work. It has to be romantic. It has to send love through your loins. 754 00:48:15,967 --> 00:48:18,800 Don't go changing 755 00:48:19,127 --> 00:48:22,278 to try and please me 756 00:48:23,487 --> 00:48:28,038 You never let me down before 757 00:48:28,127 --> 00:48:32,006 (Sharrona humming melody and moaning) 758 00:48:32,327 --> 00:48:34,522 Did you see what I was doing? 759 00:48:35,327 --> 00:48:36,442 Yeah. 760 00:48:36,527 --> 00:48:40,042 I�s like, on certain words the passion comes through my body. 761 00:48:40,127 --> 00:48:43,642 I�s like I can actually feel Billy Joel between my legs. 762 00:48:43,727 --> 00:48:45,877 Not Billy Joel the person... 763 00:48:46,607 --> 00:48:50,282 but the romance, the sweetness, the intention of his words. 764 00:48:50,647 --> 00:48:52,205 Now you try it. 765 00:48:57,047 --> 00:48:59,561 Don't go changing 766 00:49:00,207 --> 00:49:01,925 to try and please me 767 00:49:02,007 --> 00:49:04,441 Don't try to make a point, try to touch your soul. 768 00:49:04,527 --> 00:49:06,279 I'll do it with you. 769 00:49:07,207 --> 00:49:12,327 You never let me down before 770 00:49:12,407 --> 00:49:15,877 (Sing in unison) 771 00:49:16,687 --> 00:49:19,281 I don't imagine 772 00:49:19,807 --> 00:49:22,241 you're too familiar 773 00:49:22,767 --> 00:49:25,759 Why don't you get on top of me? I�s the only way you'll learn. 774 00:49:25,847 --> 00:49:26,996 What? 775 00:49:27,087 --> 00:49:30,557 (Soft instrumental melody) 776 00:49:32,367 --> 00:49:33,516 Sorry. 777 00:49:38,207 --> 00:49:40,641 Don't go trying 778 00:49:41,127 --> 00:49:43,960 some new fashion 779 00:49:44,767 --> 00:49:49,682 Don't change the colour of your hair 780 00:49:50,167 --> 00:49:53,443 (Upbeat instrumental music) 781 00:49:57,767 --> 00:50:00,520 I don't want clever 782 00:50:02,487 --> 00:50:05,399 conversation 783 00:50:06,167 --> 00:50:11,195 I never want to work that hard 784 00:50:16,367 --> 00:50:19,279 I just want someone 785 00:50:20,527 --> 00:50:22,961 I can talk to 786 00:50:24,527 --> 00:50:29,317 I want you just the way you are 787 00:50:33,007 --> 00:50:35,475 (Upbeat instrumental music) 788 00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:37,436 (Knock at the door) 789 00:50:37,527 --> 00:50:40,917 RUSTY: Shar? SHARRONA: Oh, my God, tha�s Rusty. Hide. 790 00:50:43,527 --> 00:50:45,006 Shar, open up. 791 00:50:49,767 --> 00:50:50,882 Shit. 792 00:50:53,607 --> 00:50:54,926 - Hey. - What a surprise. 793 00:50:55,007 --> 00:50:55,996 I got off early. 794 00:50:56,087 --> 00:50:59,602 Randy and I were going to the gym, but he had O.T. I gotta take a leak. 795 00:50:59,687 --> 00:51:02,076 SHARRONA: Don't! I mean, are you sure? RUSTY: Oh, God. 796 00:51:02,167 --> 00:51:04,806 Do you want something to eat, or a beer? 797 00:51:05,767 --> 00:51:06,916 What the... 798 00:51:07,007 --> 00:51:09,999 Ma'am, that leak shouldn't cause any more trouble. 799 00:51:10,087 --> 00:51:14,319 I've readjusted the pipe connection, and hooked it up to the main artery. 800 00:51:14,407 --> 00:51:16,875 - I'm the plumber. - I should hope so. 801 00:51:22,687 --> 00:51:25,838 You are the big, strong American boyfriend, huh? 802 00:51:26,367 --> 00:51:27,686 I guess I am, yeah. 803 00:51:27,767 --> 00:51:31,282 But you couldn't fix the pipe connection now, could you? 804 00:51:35,287 --> 00:51:39,075 - How come he didn't have any tools? - He's a holistic plumber. 805 00:51:42,647 --> 00:51:46,117 SHARRONA: Calculus isn't my only advanced skill, Professor Wank. 806 00:51:47,687 --> 00:51:49,837 How do you like them apples? 807 00:51:55,207 --> 00:51:58,199 - What are you watching? - My Sharona. 808 00:51:59,367 --> 00:52:03,360 - You bastards! Turn it off! - What? You've seen Good Will Humping? 809 00:52:03,487 --> 00:52:07,275 We also have Star Whores: Episode 69, and Charlie's Anus. 810 00:52:07,367 --> 00:52:08,846 (Moaning from TV) 811 00:52:09,047 --> 00:52:10,719 SHARRONA: I�s not my fault. 812 00:52:11,687 --> 00:52:13,359 I�s not my fault. 813 00:52:13,447 --> 00:52:15,722 You couldn't get it up for her? 814 00:52:16,167 --> 00:52:21,082 - You try having sex with 20 people around. - I've never had sex without 20 people. 815 00:52:23,927 --> 00:52:26,600 Now, I don't want you to watch that again. 816 00:52:26,687 --> 00:52:30,646 She's a real person, and my friend, and she's a lot smarter than you guys. 817 00:52:30,727 --> 00:52:33,799 Oh, I see a young man. He is in love. 818 00:52:34,207 --> 00:52:37,916 - He's in love with a buxom schoolgirl. - Piss off, man! 819 00:52:39,687 --> 00:52:41,040 All right. 820 00:52:41,647 --> 00:52:44,639 All right, wha�s got your turban in a twist? 821 00:52:46,687 --> 00:52:48,120 I don't know. 822 00:52:49,647 --> 00:52:52,798 Desi Fantasy Hotline. For Hindi hotties, press one. 823 00:52:52,887 --> 00:52:56,960 SANJIV: For Punjabi poontang, press two... SHARRONA: Is Rammy there? I�s Sharrona. 824 00:52:57,687 --> 00:52:58,961 Sharrona. 825 00:53:00,087 --> 00:53:01,122 Hi. 826 00:53:01,927 --> 00:53:03,406 RAMU: Give it to me. 827 00:53:07,287 --> 00:53:09,721 I talked to a real live porn star. 828 00:53:10,487 --> 00:53:12,523 I think she sounded naked. 829 00:53:13,167 --> 00:53:16,000 RAMU: Hey, how's it going? SHARRONA: I got you a job. 830 00:53:16,767 --> 00:53:20,442 Dwain said that you could be an extra on the gladiator movie tomorrow. 831 00:53:20,527 --> 00:53:23,280 What? I mean, what? 832 00:53:23,487 --> 00:53:25,318 SHARRONA: You want to be in films, right? 833 00:53:25,407 --> 00:53:26,806 I do. 834 00:53:27,767 --> 00:53:30,600 Well, this is what we've been working for. 835 00:53:30,767 --> 00:53:31,916 SHARRONA: Rammy? 836 00:53:32,367 --> 00:53:35,803 RAMU: I don't have to do it, do I? SANJIV: I'll do it. 837 00:53:36,887 --> 00:53:38,240 I'll do it! 838 00:53:38,767 --> 00:53:43,363 SHARRONA: You don't have to do anything. I�s extra work. Remember, fear freezes. 839 00:53:44,847 --> 00:53:46,041 See you. 840 00:53:46,447 --> 00:53:47,641 See you. 841 00:53:48,727 --> 00:53:51,799 SANJIV: Did you tell her I'll do it? Did you? 842 00:53:52,407 --> 00:53:54,557 DWAIN: All right, gladiator love slaves... 843 00:53:54,647 --> 00:53:57,286 a little more thrashing. I want to feel your pain. 844 00:53:57,367 --> 00:53:59,005 Glad He Ate Her... 845 00:53:59,087 --> 00:54:01,601 scene 21, take six. 846 00:54:02,207 --> 00:54:03,640 And, action. 847 00:54:05,447 --> 00:54:08,996 Which one of you worthless love slaves will dare... 848 00:54:09,087 --> 00:54:10,202 DWAIN: Cut! 849 00:54:11,087 --> 00:54:14,363 Can we get some oil for these guys? I'm seeing chalky legs here. 850 00:54:14,447 --> 00:54:17,757 - How are you hanging in there, Rammy? - From a chain. 851 00:54:18,247 --> 00:54:19,726 (Cell phone ringing) 852 00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:25,076 Hello. 853 00:54:25,167 --> 00:54:28,159 Guru, where are you? I'm here at Josh Goldstein's office. 854 00:54:28,247 --> 00:54:31,842 Right, the agent. I've been detained out here. 855 00:54:32,047 --> 00:54:33,196 Where's "out here"? 856 00:54:33,287 --> 00:54:35,403 ANNOUNCER: Puerto Rican Leather Queens to stage two. 857 00:54:35,487 --> 00:54:36,476 Queens. 858 00:54:37,687 --> 00:54:38,881 LEXl: Queens? 859 00:54:39,087 --> 00:54:41,965 Do you know how important this is? The access Josh Goldstein has? 860 00:54:42,047 --> 00:54:44,163 He can help us get our message out there. 861 00:54:44,247 --> 00:54:47,762 - I'll be right there, I promise. Don't worry. - Hurry up! 862 00:54:51,487 --> 00:54:53,079 Lying to your girlfriend? 863 00:54:53,167 --> 00:54:54,919 Who said that was my girlfriend? 864 00:54:55,007 --> 00:54:56,486 Is she pretty? 865 00:54:57,607 --> 00:54:59,279 CAMERAMAN: Places, please. 866 00:55:03,007 --> 00:55:06,079 - Your guy's not here? - He's coming. He had a thing, got tied up. 867 00:55:06,167 --> 00:55:07,964 He got tied up? You... 868 00:55:10,487 --> 00:55:14,400 Which one of you worthless love slaves will dare to enter my love ring? 869 00:55:14,487 --> 00:55:15,556 Cut! 870 00:55:16,647 --> 00:55:17,841 All right, good work. 871 00:55:17,927 --> 00:55:20,236 Great work. 872 00:55:21,527 --> 00:55:25,679 - It was a lot to memorise. - Yeah, well, not so much talk this time. 873 00:55:27,447 --> 00:55:29,403 Excuse me, I have to get my clothes and go. 874 00:55:29,687 --> 00:55:31,757 No one leaves till we wrap. 875 00:55:35,687 --> 00:55:37,040 Wha�s up? 876 00:55:47,807 --> 00:55:51,356 - "Ramew Gouda." - Hey, you made it. I'm so psyched for this. 877 00:55:51,447 --> 00:55:53,961 - Josh, Ramu. - I�s nice to meet you. 878 00:55:54,367 --> 00:55:56,517 - May I take your coat? - No, I'm fine. 879 00:55:56,607 --> 00:55:59,201 Oh, no, please, I'll just hang it... 880 00:56:02,687 --> 00:56:04,917 I was at a past life workshop. 881 00:56:06,127 --> 00:56:09,358 Really? Did you see me? I worked in the mailroom. 882 00:56:09,447 --> 00:56:12,200 Just kidding. Why don't you have a seat? 883 00:56:19,207 --> 00:56:21,721 Lexi tells me you have quite the following. 884 00:56:21,807 --> 00:56:23,877 I'm just gonna jump right in, okay? 885 00:56:23,967 --> 00:56:28,722 The goal here is to separate you from all the other self-help spiritual types... 886 00:56:28,807 --> 00:56:32,766 so you're not just another Indian, or, excuse me, Native American. 887 00:56:32,847 --> 00:56:36,920 What you've got going for you is God. And by the way, God is big. 888 00:56:37,007 --> 00:56:40,761 You mention God, people pay attention. God demands attention, and... 889 00:56:40,847 --> 00:56:43,645 What can I say? We want to be in bed with God. 890 00:56:43,727 --> 00:56:47,640 But what do people want to pay attention to more than anything else? 891 00:56:47,727 --> 00:56:51,356 Sex. You let people think about both, which is brilliant. 892 00:56:51,607 --> 00:56:53,757 Josh is one of the smartest agents in town. 893 00:56:53,847 --> 00:56:56,759 We can handle your book deals in London, website in Munich... 894 00:56:56,847 --> 00:56:59,077 - your television in New York. - Television? 895 00:56:59,167 --> 00:57:01,761 - Tha�s right. Movie deals in Hollywood. - Hollywood? 896 00:57:01,847 --> 00:57:02,962 JOSH: Sure. 897 00:57:03,327 --> 00:57:06,797 Step one, you gotta expand your core audience. How do we do that? 898 00:57:06,887 --> 00:57:09,799 I think we do a big show, a couple thousand people. 899 00:57:09,887 --> 00:57:12,720 - Maybe we book a Broadway house. - Broadway? 900 00:57:12,807 --> 00:57:16,641 Tha�s right: "The Guru of Sex." One night only. 901 00:57:16,727 --> 00:57:19,116 You gotta keep them wanting more. 902 00:57:19,287 --> 00:57:21,562 Hey, Ari, get me the Playhouse. 903 00:57:21,687 --> 00:57:24,281 And, by the way, I'm not into micromanaging... 904 00:57:24,367 --> 00:57:26,961 but you're not going to wear that... 905 00:57:28,087 --> 00:57:30,521 What is it you're wearing, anyway? 906 00:57:33,007 --> 00:57:35,237 - I really like Josh. - Wha�s going on? 907 00:57:35,327 --> 00:57:37,887 - What do you mean? - You run to secret appointments... 908 00:57:37,967 --> 00:57:41,039 - to past life workshops with costumes. - I'm sorry... 909 00:57:41,127 --> 00:57:44,085 You don't invite me, when you know how much I love that stuff. 910 00:57:44,167 --> 00:57:45,122 I couldn't, I... 911 00:57:45,207 --> 00:57:49,325 You'll be the Mother Teresa of sex. I want to help you, and you leave me out. 912 00:57:49,407 --> 00:57:50,840 I don't understand that. 913 00:57:50,927 --> 00:57:53,487 No one can give you what you want. I�s too much. 914 00:57:53,567 --> 00:57:54,761 What are you saying? 915 00:57:54,847 --> 00:57:57,520 I'm saying live your own life, not mine. 916 00:57:57,607 --> 00:57:59,757 Follow your own dreams, not mine. 917 00:57:59,847 --> 00:58:04,557 There are many different paths. You can go this way, or that way. 918 00:58:04,767 --> 00:58:08,601 But you must choose your own path. I�s your own damn journey. 919 00:58:12,767 --> 00:58:15,042 I'm going to meditate on that! 920 00:58:17,767 --> 00:58:18,882 Yeah. 921 00:58:22,607 --> 00:58:26,077 (Upbeat pop music) 922 00:58:48,807 --> 00:58:50,763 SANJIV: Hello. Thank you. 923 00:58:52,047 --> 00:58:53,366 'Bye. Ramu. 924 00:58:57,367 --> 00:58:59,722 What more could a swami ask for? 925 00:59:05,047 --> 00:59:06,116 RAMU: Hey! 926 00:59:21,887 --> 00:59:23,605 - Hey. - Hey. 927 00:59:23,927 --> 00:59:26,885 - I got an idea for today's lesson, but... - No. 928 00:59:27,287 --> 00:59:30,324 I�s such a beautiful day. Le�s take a walk. 929 00:59:30,767 --> 00:59:31,882 Okay. 930 00:59:36,567 --> 00:59:37,886 After you. 931 00:59:40,287 --> 00:59:44,405 - So, I miss my nanima the most. - Does your family like it you're in America? 932 00:59:44,487 --> 00:59:47,524 No, they'd rather I be married off with kids... 933 00:59:47,727 --> 00:59:49,922 holding down a nine-to-five salary. 934 00:59:50,007 --> 00:59:52,726 But they're getting used to it. They want me to be happy. 935 00:59:52,807 --> 00:59:56,846 You're lucky, 'cause the only family I have right now is Dwain and Peaches. 936 00:59:56,927 --> 00:59:58,485 They're quite a family. 937 00:59:58,567 --> 01:00:00,637 No, really, they saved my life. 938 01:00:00,727 --> 01:00:04,276 I don't even want to tell you what I was doing before I met them. 939 01:00:04,367 --> 01:00:07,120 They treat me right. I'm safe with them. 940 01:00:07,727 --> 01:00:09,399 Look, Sharrona... 941 01:00:10,127 --> 01:00:12,322 I have to tell you something. 942 01:00:12,567 --> 01:00:13,716 Go on. 943 01:00:16,927 --> 01:00:18,918 This is really difficult. 944 01:00:19,167 --> 01:00:21,522 Let me tell you something first. 945 01:00:23,247 --> 01:00:27,320 I really like teaching you. It makes me feel good to help someone. 946 01:00:28,247 --> 01:00:33,116 But I don't think you should do it. You don't know what i�s like. I�s porn... 947 01:00:33,567 --> 01:00:36,001 I just don't think you should do it. 948 01:00:36,087 --> 01:00:38,317 You're so pure and good and... 949 01:00:38,847 --> 01:00:41,441 You don't know what i�s really like. 950 01:00:41,607 --> 01:00:45,077 Tha�s why I made up all those ways to get through it. 951 01:00:45,287 --> 01:00:48,916 Because I wanted to make it seem like I was doing something else. 952 01:00:49,007 --> 01:00:53,478 - Something important and respectable. - You are respectable. 953 01:00:54,367 --> 01:00:57,837 How can you say that? Rusty doesn't even know what I do. 954 01:00:57,927 --> 01:01:00,566 If he did, he wouldn't marry me. 955 01:01:01,927 --> 01:01:03,679 But I'd marry you... 956 01:01:03,767 --> 01:01:06,964 (Tender instrumental music) 957 01:01:07,047 --> 01:01:08,446 ...for 50 cows. 958 01:01:09,887 --> 01:01:12,685 SHARRONA: Only 50? RAMU: Well, they're sacred you know. 959 01:01:13,407 --> 01:01:16,479 Okay, 100 sacred cows, and... 960 01:01:17,647 --> 01:01:21,117 le�s see, a field full of buffalos... 961 01:01:22,407 --> 01:01:24,159 a dozen peacocks... 962 01:01:26,247 --> 01:01:30,081 and a herd of the most beautiful creatures in all the world: 963 01:01:31,207 --> 01:01:33,437 A herd full of blue elephants. 964 01:01:33,687 --> 01:01:34,802 Blue? 965 01:01:36,207 --> 01:01:37,356 Blue. 966 01:01:52,047 --> 01:01:55,084 - I have to go. - No, you don't have to do anything. 967 01:01:55,167 --> 01:01:57,442 Of course I do, silly. See you. 968 01:01:58,927 --> 01:02:02,397 (Melancholy instrumental music) 969 01:02:32,847 --> 01:02:35,122 RUSTY: But, hey, tha�s Randy for you. 970 01:02:36,287 --> 01:02:38,801 MRS. MCGEE: He's so funny. RUSTY: You always say that. 971 01:02:39,687 --> 01:02:41,439 To Sherri and Rusty. 972 01:02:43,447 --> 01:02:47,360 Russell tells me you'll help teach the catechism class. 973 01:02:48,887 --> 01:02:50,684 Catechism. Neat. 974 01:02:51,367 --> 01:02:54,279 FATHER: I�s a blessing to have a professional in charge at last. 975 01:02:54,367 --> 01:02:55,402 Hi, baby. 976 01:02:55,487 --> 01:02:57,318 MR. MCGEE: Father feels you're an amateur. 977 01:02:57,407 --> 01:02:58,442 Leave Mum alone. 978 01:02:58,527 --> 01:03:00,006 MR. MCGEE: I said no such thing. 979 01:03:00,087 --> 01:03:04,842 Tuesdays is knitting circle, and you will be the first member of the millennium. 980 01:03:04,927 --> 01:03:06,758 I had to use all my influence. 981 01:03:06,847 --> 01:03:09,600 If it doesn't interfere with couples' bowling, right, honey? 982 01:03:09,687 --> 01:03:12,565 You ever bowl with Rusty? I�s a good thing. 983 01:03:12,647 --> 01:03:14,797 Throws the ball like a ballet dancer. 984 01:03:14,887 --> 01:03:16,240 RUSTY: Don't start, Dad. 985 01:03:16,327 --> 01:03:19,160 Tell me, my dear, have we not met before? 986 01:03:21,487 --> 01:03:23,682 Sweetie, have you met Father Flanagan before? 987 01:03:23,767 --> 01:03:26,520 No, Father, I would have remembered meeting you. 988 01:03:26,607 --> 01:03:29,405 Your lovely face looks so familiar to me. 989 01:03:29,487 --> 01:03:32,365 You don't believe me? Watch and learn, tough guy. 990 01:03:32,447 --> 01:03:35,757 You're the chick from Star Whores, right? Episode 69? 991 01:03:35,847 --> 01:03:37,678 - Excuse me? - No, tha�s not me. 992 01:03:37,767 --> 01:03:41,157 DRUNK GUY: No, i�s you. I saw that forwards and backwards. 993 01:03:41,247 --> 01:03:44,000 You're out of line. Sit down. You're making a mistake. 994 01:03:44,087 --> 01:03:46,476 DRUNK GUY: I�s her. Baby. MRS. MCGEE: Wha�s he doing? 995 01:03:46,567 --> 01:03:48,558 You know what? I'm sick of this. 996 01:03:48,647 --> 01:03:53,163 There must be some cheap porn star out there that looks just like Sherri. 997 01:03:55,407 --> 01:03:57,602 - I'm sorry, honey. - I'm feeling a bit sick... 998 01:03:57,687 --> 01:04:00,326 - Sweetheart, wait... - I have to go home. 999 01:04:00,487 --> 01:04:01,636 Honey? 1000 01:04:02,647 --> 01:04:05,286 RUSTY: What did I say? MRS. MCGEE: Pre-wedding jitters. 1001 01:04:19,527 --> 01:04:21,916 SHARRONA: Hello, is Rammy there? AMIT: Ramu? No. 1002 01:04:22,007 --> 01:04:25,079 SHARRONA: Can you tell me where he is? AMIT: The Broadway Playhouse. 1003 01:04:25,167 --> 01:04:26,486 Thank you. 1004 01:04:27,727 --> 01:04:30,878 Now that you have an agent, I think you need a manager. 1005 01:04:30,967 --> 01:04:32,639 What do managers do? 1006 01:04:32,727 --> 01:04:34,319 Take 15 percent. 1007 01:04:36,807 --> 01:04:39,480 LEXl: Guru Ramu and friend. 1008 01:04:40,007 --> 01:04:41,599 Hey, Lex. 1009 01:04:42,247 --> 01:04:45,523 Well, hello. Vijay Rao, manager. 1010 01:04:46,767 --> 01:04:49,565 Guru, I've been meditating on what you said... 1011 01:04:49,647 --> 01:04:53,765 and I think I understand why you pulled back from our relationship. 1012 01:04:53,847 --> 01:04:55,075 I don't. 1013 01:04:55,367 --> 01:04:58,359 The reason you ignited my kundalini energy in the first place... 1014 01:04:58,447 --> 01:05:01,120 was so I could move that sex force into other chakras... 1015 01:05:01,207 --> 01:05:04,756 my heart, my mind, maybe even some day, my third eye. 1016 01:05:05,127 --> 01:05:06,355 Exactly. 1017 01:05:07,047 --> 01:05:10,801 Yes, I knew it. I knew giving up the stuff would help me focus. 1018 01:05:10,887 --> 01:05:12,843 - What stuff? - Everything. 1019 01:05:12,927 --> 01:05:16,761 I'm moving to a studio apartment in Queens. 1020 01:05:17,327 --> 01:05:19,363 Will you be subleasing your penthouse? 1021 01:05:28,527 --> 01:05:31,678 CROWD (Singing): Don't go changing RAMU: Tha�s right. Feel it. 1022 01:05:31,767 --> 01:05:35,203 CROWD: To try and please me RAMU: Yes, let it sing. 1023 01:05:35,287 --> 01:05:39,326 CROWD: You never let me down before RAMU: Feel Billy Joel between your legs. 1024 01:05:39,727 --> 01:05:42,446 RAMU: And then, feel your genitals come alive. 1025 01:05:42,567 --> 01:05:45,320 CROWD (Singing): Don't imagine RAMU: Some want to sing in harmony. 1026 01:05:45,407 --> 01:05:47,875 CROWD (Singing): You're too familiar RAMU: That is okay. 1027 01:05:48,607 --> 01:05:52,395 CROWD (Singing): And I don't see you anymore 1028 01:05:55,607 --> 01:05:57,882 CROWD (Singing): Don't go trying 1029 01:05:58,407 --> 01:06:00,637 some new fashion 1030 01:06:01,647 --> 01:06:03,285 Don't change the colour of your hair 1031 01:06:03,367 --> 01:06:05,005 RAMU: Tha�s right. 1032 01:06:05,247 --> 01:06:07,715 Send that love through your loins. 1033 01:06:08,287 --> 01:06:11,245 CROWD (Singing): You always have my RAMU: Feel it. Tha�s it. 1034 01:06:11,327 --> 01:06:12,680 CROWD: Unspoken passion 1035 01:06:12,767 --> 01:06:14,325 RAMU: Genitals are the gateway to your soul. 1036 01:06:14,407 --> 01:06:17,001 RAMU: Let them sing. CROWD: Although I might not seem to care 1037 01:06:17,087 --> 01:06:18,884 RAMU: Let go of your fears. 1038 01:06:19,727 --> 01:06:21,558 Fear is cold. 1039 01:06:21,647 --> 01:06:22,796 CROWD (Singing): I don't want clever 1040 01:06:22,887 --> 01:06:24,036 RAMU: Cold freezes. 1041 01:06:24,647 --> 01:06:26,763 RAMU: When we make love... CROWD: Conversation 1042 01:06:26,847 --> 01:06:30,806 RAMU: We release our fears and we... CROWD: I never want to work that hard 1043 01:06:34,767 --> 01:06:37,520 CROWD: I just want someone RAMU: Touch our souls. 1044 01:06:37,887 --> 01:06:40,401 CROWD: That I can talk to 1045 01:06:41,127 --> 01:06:45,120 I want you just the way you are 1046 01:06:45,207 --> 01:06:46,720 RAMU: Sharrona, wait! 1047 01:06:48,527 --> 01:06:51,360 Carry on, the Guru's just gone to the restroom. 1048 01:06:51,447 --> 01:06:53,915 CROWD: I need to know that you will always be 1049 01:06:54,007 --> 01:06:56,521 VIJAY: Remember, sex is good for you. 1050 01:06:57,287 --> 01:06:58,800 CROWD: The same old someone that I knew 1051 01:06:58,887 --> 01:07:00,445 VIJAY: Love your loins. 1052 01:07:00,527 --> 01:07:03,997 - I meant to tell you. - You certainly had a deal, didn't you? 1053 01:07:04,087 --> 01:07:07,124 You pay me, steal my private thoughts, and sell them to the world. 1054 01:07:07,207 --> 01:07:11,359 - I told you things I have never told anyone. - I tried to tell you, I did. 1055 01:07:11,447 --> 01:07:15,406 And then I wanted your philosophy, and then I wanted to see you. 1056 01:07:15,647 --> 01:07:18,286 That is why. I just wanted to see you. 1057 01:07:18,407 --> 01:07:22,195 You're sick, you know. And mean. How could you lie like that? 1058 01:07:22,887 --> 01:07:25,924 You tell me, Mrs. Schoolteacher. What about Rusty? 1059 01:07:26,007 --> 01:07:28,965 - You're lying to him and to yourself. - Tha�s not true! 1060 01:07:29,047 --> 01:07:33,199 You think no one will love you for you, so you pretend to be someone else. 1061 01:07:33,287 --> 01:07:35,596 Don't you see? That is not real. 1062 01:07:35,927 --> 01:07:38,566 - What is that? Guru-speak? - I�s true. 1063 01:07:39,047 --> 01:07:42,119 Maybe I'm a bad person who deserves to be stabbed in the heart... 1064 01:07:42,207 --> 01:07:44,118 but I know you deserve more. 1065 01:07:44,207 --> 01:07:47,483 You're just a stupid con man. Go steal those people's money... 1066 01:07:47,567 --> 01:07:50,923 before they realise that you're just a big dumb fake! 1067 01:07:52,407 --> 01:07:55,046 I'm a fake? Well, then you're a super fake. 1068 01:07:55,127 --> 01:07:58,164 A porno star saying you're a teacher, for a house in Frog's Neck! 1069 01:07:58,247 --> 01:08:00,522 Throg's Neck. I plan to be very happy there. 1070 01:08:00,607 --> 01:08:04,486 You better go steal those people's money before your visa expires! 1071 01:08:04,567 --> 01:08:06,046 - Okay, I will! - Taxi! 1072 01:08:06,127 --> 01:08:09,483 I'll be rich, and famous, and very, very happy! 1073 01:08:09,567 --> 01:08:10,966 - Fine! - Fine! 1074 01:08:11,167 --> 01:08:12,282 SHARRONA: Taxi! 1075 01:08:24,007 --> 01:08:26,237 VIJAY: Hello, girls, come on. 1076 01:08:26,327 --> 01:08:28,283 Ready for some fun? 1077 01:08:28,687 --> 01:08:30,643 This is Amit and Sanjiv. 1078 01:08:31,967 --> 01:08:34,959 This is Candy, Mindy, Sandy, Daisy and Tasha. 1079 01:08:35,167 --> 01:08:36,316 I just... 1080 01:08:36,607 --> 01:08:37,881 (Speaking in Hindi) 1081 01:08:41,207 --> 01:08:43,402 SANJIV: Beautiful jungle top. 1082 01:08:44,927 --> 01:08:47,122 SANJIV: You are a heartbreaker, baby. 1083 01:08:47,847 --> 01:08:50,645 The great thing about this place is we never have to move. 1084 01:08:50,727 --> 01:08:52,957 They can carry us out of here in a box. 1085 01:08:53,047 --> 01:08:56,323 WOMAN: Anthony, I'm waiting for you! 1086 01:08:58,967 --> 01:09:03,085 VIJAY: All right! We got it. Ten cents for every Guru of Sex T-shirt sold. 1087 01:09:03,247 --> 01:09:05,715 Maybe we could donate the proceeds. 1088 01:09:06,407 --> 01:09:07,806 Maybe. Not. 1089 01:09:08,807 --> 01:09:12,163 You know, I'm sick of your fucking materialism! 1090 01:09:12,247 --> 01:09:16,525 I'm sick of your fucking scented oils. You smell like a Bombay hooker. 1091 01:09:16,807 --> 01:09:20,959 Ramu, we've got the Cher party tonight. Sally Jessy Raphael tomorrow. 1092 01:09:21,727 --> 01:09:23,763 Hey, man, did you hear me? 1093 01:09:24,047 --> 01:09:26,402 Did it ever occur to you he might be meditating? 1094 01:09:26,487 --> 01:09:27,522 No. 1095 01:09:28,047 --> 01:09:30,515 (Rap music plays) 1096 01:09:31,487 --> 01:09:32,476 FAN: Guru. 1097 01:09:32,607 --> 01:09:35,201 VIJAY: Vijay Rao, the Guru's manager. 1098 01:09:38,287 --> 01:09:41,677 Hello, girls, all right there. Ramu's coming in there. 1099 01:09:41,767 --> 01:09:45,442 All right, then. Vijay Rao, manager. 1100 01:09:47,367 --> 01:09:49,801 RAMU: Hey, man. SANJIV: Tony called. 1101 01:09:49,887 --> 01:09:51,479 - Tony who? - I don't know. 1102 01:09:51,567 --> 01:09:53,762 I don't have all the answers like you, Guruji. 1103 01:09:53,847 --> 01:09:56,441 He said your wedding cake will be ready tomorrow 9:00 a.m. 1104 01:09:56,527 --> 01:09:58,836 Are you getting married tomorrow? 1105 01:09:58,927 --> 01:10:01,077 No, I'm not getting married tomorrow. 1106 01:10:01,167 --> 01:10:03,317 I never know with you, yaar. 1107 01:10:03,407 --> 01:10:06,877 (Lndian song and dance music) 1108 01:11:12,567 --> 01:11:14,285 You better shape up 1109 01:11:14,807 --> 01:11:16,525 'Cause I need a man 1110 01:11:16,607 --> 01:11:17,881 (Sing rock 'n' roll song) 1111 01:11:17,967 --> 01:11:20,800 - And my heart is set on you - And my heart is set on you 1112 01:11:21,087 --> 01:11:22,839 I better shape up 1113 01:11:23,287 --> 01:11:26,199 - lf I'm gonna prove - You better prove 1114 01:11:26,647 --> 01:11:28,638 That my faith is justified 1115 01:11:28,727 --> 01:11:32,276 - Are you sure? - Yes I'm sure down deep inside 1116 01:11:32,407 --> 01:11:35,444 - You're the one that I want - You are the one I want 1117 01:11:35,527 --> 01:11:36,516 Oo-oo-oo, honey 1118 01:11:36,607 --> 01:11:39,280 - The one that I want - You are the one I want 1119 01:11:39,367 --> 01:11:40,846 Oo-oo-oo, honey 1120 01:11:40,927 --> 01:11:43,521 - The one that I want - You are the one I want 1121 01:11:43,607 --> 01:11:44,596 Oo-oo-oo 1122 01:11:45,007 --> 01:11:47,316 - The one I need - The one I need 1123 01:11:47,407 --> 01:11:49,523 - Oh, yes indeed - Yes indeed 1124 01:11:49,607 --> 01:11:52,599 - You're the one that I want - You are the one I want 1125 01:11:52,687 --> 01:11:53,881 Oo-oo-oo, honey 1126 01:11:53,967 --> 01:11:56,845 - The one that I want - You are the one I want 1127 01:11:56,927 --> 01:12:00,920 (Melancholy instrumental music) 1128 01:12:19,487 --> 01:12:20,761 (Doorbell rings) 1129 01:12:20,847 --> 01:12:21,916 MRS. MCGEE: I'll get it. 1130 01:12:22,007 --> 01:12:25,363 No, you go get your things together. I'm double-parked. 1131 01:12:32,647 --> 01:12:34,239 Why did they send the cake here? 1132 01:12:34,327 --> 01:12:36,795 I�s supposed to go to the reception hall. 1133 01:12:36,887 --> 01:12:38,320 I'm so sorry. 1134 01:12:39,007 --> 01:12:41,043 Just leave it right there. 1135 01:12:42,247 --> 01:12:46,365 She's just a nervous bride. I'll get my purse. I won't be a jiffy. 1136 01:12:47,047 --> 01:12:50,084 I�s terrible what I did to you. I know that. 1137 01:12:50,167 --> 01:12:52,237 But what you're about to do... 1138 01:12:52,327 --> 01:12:55,319 Don't go through with this. You don't have to. 1139 01:12:55,607 --> 01:12:58,679 - You and me... - There is no you and me. You used me. 1140 01:12:58,767 --> 01:13:01,600 And I used you, too. And I did it for the cake. 1141 01:13:03,927 --> 01:13:07,203 Here you are, sir. Good-bye. And thank you. 1142 01:13:11,287 --> 01:13:13,039 All righty, then. 1143 01:13:20,127 --> 01:13:22,436 (Both doors slam shut) 1144 01:13:29,647 --> 01:13:33,276 - Vij, I can't go in there. - What the fuck you talking about? 1145 01:13:33,367 --> 01:13:35,756 I know you love it. The clothes and everything... 1146 01:13:35,847 --> 01:13:38,520 but i�s not real. I can't do this anymore. 1147 01:13:38,647 --> 01:13:40,160 You're serious. 1148 01:13:40,527 --> 01:13:42,882 But, Ram, you've made it. You're a star. 1149 01:13:42,967 --> 01:13:45,276 - I don't care. - Of course you do. 1150 01:13:45,607 --> 01:13:47,882 Remember, yaar, we came here with nothing. 1151 01:13:47,967 --> 01:13:51,164 And look at us now. You've made it for all of us. 1152 01:13:54,247 --> 01:13:57,717 Think about your family, how proud they'll be. 1153 01:14:00,487 --> 01:14:01,966 Come on, yaar. 1154 01:14:06,927 --> 01:14:08,326 MAN: Hey, is that him? 1155 01:14:10,687 --> 01:14:11,836 WOMAN 1: Oh, i�s him. 1156 01:14:13,647 --> 01:14:14,477 WOMAN 2: I�s Guru. 1157 01:14:14,567 --> 01:14:15,602 VIJAY: Right this way. 1158 01:14:15,687 --> 01:14:17,405 Okay, I'm your cousin Kimberly. 1159 01:14:17,487 --> 01:14:21,560 I'm a librarian, and I have five children, all boys. I like that part. 1160 01:14:21,647 --> 01:14:24,719 And, I live in Utica. 1161 01:14:25,047 --> 01:14:27,561 Ithaca. You live in lthaca. 1162 01:14:28,887 --> 01:14:32,038 - And you run a Head Start program there. - Okay. Head. 1163 01:14:33,087 --> 01:14:36,523 - Head, I can remember that. - I'm cutting the cake, not jumping out of it. 1164 01:14:36,607 --> 01:14:37,722 Okay. 1165 01:14:37,807 --> 01:14:40,799 (Sharrona starts sobbing) 1166 01:14:40,887 --> 01:14:43,959 Honey, wha�s wrong? Why are you crying? 1167 01:14:44,047 --> 01:14:45,480 (Sobs) I don't know. 1168 01:14:46,567 --> 01:14:48,046 Oh, honey. 1169 01:14:48,807 --> 01:14:51,799 SHARRONA (Sobs): They're just tears of joy or something. 1170 01:14:51,887 --> 01:14:55,323 Honey, no. No, the makeup. 1171 01:14:55,727 --> 01:14:57,206 Waldo Hernandez. 1172 01:14:57,287 --> 01:14:59,278 Waldo. And what do you do? 1173 01:14:59,967 --> 01:15:02,356 I'm in the meat-packing industry. 1174 01:15:04,407 --> 01:15:05,442 Hi. 1175 01:15:08,087 --> 01:15:09,884 Pretend I'm not here. 1176 01:15:10,687 --> 01:15:11,881 Marsha! 1177 01:15:14,167 --> 01:15:17,842 And now I'm happy to introduce a true phenomenon... 1178 01:15:18,327 --> 01:15:21,956 the Guru of Sex, Ramu Gupta. 1179 01:15:22,047 --> 01:15:24,925 (Applause) 1180 01:15:31,807 --> 01:15:35,766 Ramu Gupta will be taking calls, and he will be talking about... 1181 01:15:36,007 --> 01:15:39,761 well, what he talks about, sexual intercourse. 1182 01:15:40,087 --> 01:15:42,647 Mama! Ramu's on Sally Jessy Raphael. 1183 01:15:43,447 --> 01:15:45,802 Well, first I'd just like to say hi to my family. 1184 01:15:45,887 --> 01:15:46,842 Hi, Nanima. 1185 01:15:46,927 --> 01:15:48,246 He said hi to me. 1186 01:15:48,327 --> 01:15:49,396 Wha�s he doing? 1187 01:15:49,487 --> 01:15:51,443 He's talking about sexual intercourse. 1188 01:15:51,527 --> 01:15:52,642 What? 1189 01:15:53,047 --> 01:15:55,356 EDWIN: Candy, make sure everything is in tiptop shape. 1190 01:15:55,527 --> 01:15:59,645 Oh, yes. Mrs. Von Austerberg is very demanding. 1191 01:15:59,727 --> 01:16:02,366 Yes, I know. So am I. 1192 01:16:04,247 --> 01:16:06,807 SALLY: Welcome back. The Guru of Sex... 1193 01:16:06,887 --> 01:16:08,639 - Ramu Gupta. - Look, i�s our guru. 1194 01:16:10,847 --> 01:16:13,805 SALLY: Our next question is from... MAN: John. 1195 01:16:15,327 --> 01:16:17,761 Guru, my problem is that the only way I've been... 1196 01:16:17,847 --> 01:16:19,803 able to get a woman is on the computer. 1197 01:16:21,767 --> 01:16:24,520 Well, John, don't limit yourself. 1198 01:16:25,287 --> 01:16:28,040 Maybe sometimes on the computer, other times on the bed. 1199 01:16:28,127 --> 01:16:30,641 Don't be afraid to try new things, huh? 1200 01:16:30,767 --> 01:16:34,999 Next, we have a caller from Alaska. Go ahead, caller. 1201 01:16:35,647 --> 01:16:39,276 RUSTY: Yes, hi. I'm supposed to get married. 1202 01:16:39,847 --> 01:16:41,439 Congratulations. 1203 01:16:41,647 --> 01:16:44,161 RUSTY: Yeah, but the problem is the girl I'm marrying. 1204 01:16:44,247 --> 01:16:47,717 She's awesome, but I don't really love her. 1205 01:16:48,087 --> 01:16:50,123 Does your fiancee know how you feel? 1206 01:16:50,247 --> 01:16:53,523 No, she has no idea. And I know it would kill her. 1207 01:16:54,367 --> 01:16:55,561 Well, Alaska... 1208 01:16:55,647 --> 01:16:56,602 MR. MCGEE: Come on! 1209 01:16:56,687 --> 01:16:59,360 ...the best advice I can give you is... 1210 01:17:01,087 --> 01:17:03,396 to move your feet to the beat of your heart. 1211 01:17:03,527 --> 01:17:06,963 But my heart beats for the second hoseman on my truck. 1212 01:17:07,207 --> 01:17:10,085 Then you must go to the hoseman, Alaska. 1213 01:17:10,207 --> 01:17:11,925 You must go to the hoseman. 1214 01:17:12,007 --> 01:17:13,326 He doesn't seem himself. 1215 01:17:13,447 --> 01:17:16,086 I feel sorry for the girl marrying the homo. 1216 01:17:16,327 --> 01:17:20,161 I�s quite a responsibility being a spiritual guru, isn't it? 1217 01:17:20,887 --> 01:17:22,286 Yeah, it is. 1218 01:17:27,607 --> 01:17:30,201 But there is something I have to say. 1219 01:17:34,327 --> 01:17:35,919 I am not a guru. 1220 01:17:36,367 --> 01:17:37,322 AUDIENCE: What? 1221 01:17:37,407 --> 01:17:39,318 There goes the book deal. 1222 01:17:39,647 --> 01:17:41,603 All I've ever done is... 1223 01:17:42,407 --> 01:17:43,965 is to teach dance. 1224 01:17:44,047 --> 01:17:45,002 SALLY: What? 1225 01:17:45,087 --> 01:17:49,638 RAMU: I tried to act. I came to America to be in movies... 1226 01:17:51,007 --> 01:17:52,759 well, to be on TV. 1227 01:17:54,087 --> 01:17:55,600 RAMU: But I'm a fake. 1228 01:17:55,687 --> 01:17:57,678 (Tender instrumental music) 1229 01:17:59,247 --> 01:18:02,922 I have betrayed you all and... 1230 01:18:03,007 --> 01:18:04,759 I am sorry, I... 1231 01:18:06,287 --> 01:18:07,561 I have to go. 1232 01:18:11,807 --> 01:18:14,196 - All your wisdom... - It was just an act. 1233 01:18:14,287 --> 01:18:17,040 But, I gave up all my stuff. 1234 01:18:17,807 --> 01:18:20,446 I am sorry. I'm a fake. 1235 01:18:20,527 --> 01:18:22,483 What does that make me? 1236 01:18:22,567 --> 01:18:25,081 I now have all these ideas, and they came from me... 1237 01:18:25,167 --> 01:18:27,362 not from Vanity Fair or my mother. 1238 01:18:27,447 --> 01:18:30,484 - How can you say tha�s fake? - I�s not. 1239 01:18:30,567 --> 01:18:32,523 No, I didn't change you. 1240 01:18:32,647 --> 01:18:35,480 The guru you saw in me was the guru in you. 1241 01:18:36,847 --> 01:18:39,042 In your lie I found my truth. 1242 01:18:39,127 --> 01:18:43,006 (Tender instrumental music) 1243 01:18:54,047 --> 01:18:55,480 RAMU: Come on, Vij. 1244 01:18:55,567 --> 01:18:57,558 (Uplifting instrumental music) 1245 01:18:58,687 --> 01:19:00,405 Tha�s our Lexi. 1246 01:19:01,487 --> 01:19:05,275 (Studio audience applauds) 1247 01:19:06,407 --> 01:19:10,082 - What are we doing? Where are we going? - To get the woman I love. 1248 01:19:10,167 --> 01:19:12,158 (Adventurous instrumental music) 1249 01:19:13,527 --> 01:19:16,041 Hey, can you get to the Bronx in 15 minutes? 1250 01:19:16,127 --> 01:19:19,403 I'm a cab driver. I can get to Bombay in 15 minutes. 1251 01:19:21,887 --> 01:19:25,482 (Rock 'n' roll song) 1252 01:19:35,007 --> 01:19:38,477 (Organ plays wedding song) 1253 01:19:38,567 --> 01:19:40,364 I'm so proud of you. 1254 01:19:40,887 --> 01:19:44,721 This whole thing has made me want to go back to documentaries. 1255 01:19:49,807 --> 01:19:52,799 (Rock 'n' roll song) 1256 01:19:55,487 --> 01:19:57,000 She's marrying someone else. 1257 01:19:57,087 --> 01:19:59,157 You can't interrupt a wedding and take the bride. 1258 01:19:59,247 --> 01:20:01,681 Sure I can. Haven't you seen any American movies? 1259 01:20:01,767 --> 01:20:03,962 It happens here all the time. 1260 01:20:08,407 --> 01:20:10,238 About fucking time, man. 1261 01:20:10,327 --> 01:20:12,158 Don't speak to me like that. 1262 01:20:12,247 --> 01:20:13,646 Come on. 1263 01:20:14,447 --> 01:20:16,836 Just don't forget, I'm the one doing you a favour. 1264 01:20:16,927 --> 01:20:17,996 Right. 1265 01:20:18,087 --> 01:20:20,920 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God... 1266 01:20:21,007 --> 01:20:22,998 to witness the sacrament of marriage. 1267 01:20:23,087 --> 01:20:26,523 - It was your stupid idea. - Vij, you're a real bastard. 1268 01:20:27,887 --> 01:20:29,036 Rammy. 1269 01:20:29,807 --> 01:20:31,604 Is that your plumber? 1270 01:20:34,327 --> 01:20:35,521 Carry on. 1271 01:20:35,607 --> 01:20:36,756 Thank you. 1272 01:20:45,247 --> 01:20:50,241 ...should not be joined together in holy matrimony speak now... 1273 01:20:50,527 --> 01:20:52,597 or forever hold your peace. 1274 01:20:53,447 --> 01:20:54,562 I do. 1275 01:20:56,167 --> 01:20:57,316 Randy. 1276 01:20:58,727 --> 01:21:01,321 Who are they? The new Village People? 1277 01:21:02,167 --> 01:21:04,078 - You first. - You first. 1278 01:21:04,167 --> 01:21:05,839 - No, you first. - No, you first. 1279 01:21:05,927 --> 01:21:07,201 I insist. 1280 01:21:07,527 --> 01:21:08,960 Come on, man. 1281 01:21:09,127 --> 01:21:12,961 If you please, I am trying to conduct a wedding ceremony here. 1282 01:21:13,247 --> 01:21:15,442 But I thought you said we could speak now. 1283 01:21:15,607 --> 01:21:19,680 It was merely an expression as in "get lost." Please leave. 1284 01:21:20,367 --> 01:21:21,846 I can't leave. 1285 01:21:22,447 --> 01:21:24,244 Because if I leave... 1286 01:21:25,167 --> 01:21:27,806 I leave everything that matters to me. 1287 01:21:29,047 --> 01:21:32,357 Sharrona, you have taught me so much about so many things... 1288 01:21:33,647 --> 01:21:36,207 but right now I know something you don't. 1289 01:21:36,287 --> 01:21:38,881 (Tender instrumental music) 1290 01:21:38,967 --> 01:21:40,764 RAMU: This is just a dream. 1291 01:21:41,767 --> 01:21:44,964 Maybe you've had it for so long you think it has to become real... 1292 01:21:45,047 --> 01:21:46,560 but it doesn't. 1293 01:21:46,647 --> 01:21:49,525 We live, and life brings us new dreams. 1294 01:21:50,967 --> 01:21:52,116 Better ones. 1295 01:21:54,767 --> 01:21:58,965 Ones that come from the heart, and not from the mind. 1296 01:22:02,167 --> 01:22:04,556 Dreams that you cannot predict... 1297 01:22:05,727 --> 01:22:07,046 like you. 1298 01:22:10,487 --> 01:22:12,682 That is why I cannot leave... 1299 01:22:13,607 --> 01:22:17,441 because my heart beats for that lady up there. 1300 01:22:19,447 --> 01:22:24,362 And I am not leaving here until I find out if her heart beats for me. 1301 01:22:28,007 --> 01:22:30,043 Well, Sherri? 1302 01:22:31,287 --> 01:22:34,836 Yes, my heart beats for you. 1303 01:22:47,367 --> 01:22:50,040 Tha�s the Indian fella couldn't get it up. 1304 01:22:50,167 --> 01:22:52,317 I thought you said he was Native American. 1305 01:22:52,407 --> 01:22:53,362 Yeah. 1306 01:22:53,447 --> 01:22:55,165 And you, young man. 1307 01:22:55,567 --> 01:22:57,159 Why are you here? 1308 01:22:57,287 --> 01:22:58,925 I agree with him. 1309 01:23:00,287 --> 01:23:02,960 Well, proceed. I'm not paid by the hour. 1310 01:23:03,367 --> 01:23:04,516 Rusty. 1311 01:23:05,847 --> 01:23:08,077 My heart beats for Rusty. 1312 01:23:09,767 --> 01:23:11,166 (Mrs. McGee gasps) 1313 01:23:12,687 --> 01:23:15,076 - Tha�s good. Get that. - I'm on it. 1314 01:23:15,567 --> 01:23:17,285 DWAIN: Good angle for her. 1315 01:23:17,687 --> 01:23:22,283 Russell, we always knew you swam upstream. 1316 01:23:22,407 --> 01:23:23,522 Amen. 1317 01:23:25,847 --> 01:23:27,439 Come here, baby. 1318 01:23:27,527 --> 01:23:30,997 (Joyous instrumental music) 1319 01:23:35,127 --> 01:23:37,516 - There's a market for this. - Yeah. 1320 01:23:37,927 --> 01:23:39,406 My little firebug. 1321 01:23:39,487 --> 01:23:41,239 GUEST: There you go, ma'am. 1322 01:23:41,727 --> 01:23:43,365 Peg, get over it. 1323 01:23:50,127 --> 01:23:52,766 Well, enough of this swapping of spit. 1324 01:23:54,527 --> 01:23:56,119 FATHER: Le�s celebrate! 1325 01:23:56,207 --> 01:23:57,322 CONGREGATION: Yeah! 1326 01:23:57,607 --> 01:24:01,077 (Joyous electronic music) 1327 01:24:05,167 --> 01:24:09,046 (Joyous Hindi dance song) 1328 01:25:20,767 --> 01:25:30,883 Subtitle arrangment: Plavi-G gteam@lycos.co.uk