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Tired of the same old you?
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Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?
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Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?
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Yeah.
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Oh, hello.
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I'm White Goodman, owner, operator
and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.
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I'm here to tell ya that you don't have
to be stuck with what you've got.
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Hey, Rory. Looking good.
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At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness"
and "fatness" are genetic disorders,
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much like baldness or necrophilia,
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and it's only your fault if you don't hate
yourself enough to do something about it.
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That's where we come in.
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Globo Gym employs
a highly trained, quasi-cultural staff
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of personal alteration specialists.
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With our competitively priced
onsite cosmetic surgery,
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we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morning
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into a Franken-fine.
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Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense,
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but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better you
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than you could ever become without us.
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How do I know?
Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,
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I'm also a client.
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That's me, six years and 600lbs ago,
before I knew how much I hated myself.
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That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.
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But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen
to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...
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That feels good.
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Oh, the tickle machine.
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Crash, no. Crash, out.
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Bad dog. No grundle.
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Come on down and join the winning team,
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because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you.
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And we know it.
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Spare me.
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Mr La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.
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We've been trying to reach you,
but your phone was disconnected.
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We'll be shutting off
your water and power at 5pm today
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due to an eight-month overdue account.
Thank you and have a nice day.
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This is Seth from Videorama.
The following DVDs are now overdue.
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Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5
and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.
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Come on, baby, be there.
Be there.
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It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.
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We're just around the corner.
My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.
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You guys are lifesavers.
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I appreciate the effort.
Don't pull a hammy over it.
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Gimme that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?
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Hey, Peter.
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- How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.
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Don't hold out on me. What's happening?
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It's just I'm trying
this new voicemail-dating thing.
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And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.
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There's someone out there for everybody.
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- You think?
- Absolutely.
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In some cases, there's two somebodies for
one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
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See you later, dater.
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- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Gordon.
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- I'm wailing on my glutes.
- Sounds great.
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I'm gonna shock the biceps later,
then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.
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- I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. I wanted to ask you something.
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- Did you catch the game last night?
- Can I say yes?
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Amateur curling championships
on ESPN8.
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- I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.
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I feel dumb for asking,
but how did you hear about it?
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- OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Of course, the OSQ.
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Started reading it in college, for the chicks.
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- I'm glad that worked out for you.
- Thanks, Peter.
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- Bye.
- Love the orange and love the headphones.
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When I come back,
I want you on a different machine.
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- You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete.
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OK, come on. Let's get this out of here.
You OK?
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- You're like a human Chinese puzzle.
- Thanks, Pete.
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All that weight is dangerous.
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It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading
squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.
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Hang on a second. You wanna become
a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
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Yeah. Why?
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Nothing. High school's
changed a bit since I was a kid.
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Plus, all anyone ever remembers is
what happened at last year's tryouts.
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I'm the laughing stock of the school.
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I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?
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Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched.
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- Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.
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Good luck to you, making yourjudgments.
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And from the girls' line,
we need girl number
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00, Martha Johnstone.
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Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?
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I'm not wearing any panties.
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Ready? One, two.
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Liberty, ready?
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- Dude.
- Can he breathe?
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- Wow.
- Yeah.
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- It was the worst.
- Don't worry about this Amber situation.
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- It'll all work itself out in the end.
- Thanks, Pete.
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You'll laugh at this one day.
I'm laughing.
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Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.
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- Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter.
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'Tis about the matter of payment
for me membership.
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Steve be a touch short this month.
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That's all right.
Just pay me when you get the money.
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The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt.
I'll make a barter with you.
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In exchange for your kindness,
I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.
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Once I find it, that be.
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I'm flattered by the gesture, but
a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.
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Thanks, Peter.
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- I'll be on the StairMaster.
- OK, Steve.
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- Next time, maybe just say "hello".
- Gar.
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Hello.
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It's not my birthday till next month,
but terrific.
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I'm so sorry. Hi.
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I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.
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- Your bank?
- Right. My bank.
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- You are very attractive for a banker.
- Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
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Really? What kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?
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Sexual harassment, mostly.
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But I also handle real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.
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- This place is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.
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You were in default
when we sent you delinquency notices.
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- I thought those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.
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No one warned me. What happens now?
I make my payments out to somebody else?
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You have 30 days to pay the balance
of your mortgage, or you lose your gym.
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Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?
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$50,000.
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Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have
to wait till the end of the month to cash her?
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I do have to switch some funds. The charity
I like to work with is gonna take a hit.
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Mr La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.
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Yeah.
This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch.
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It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial
statements and assess any tax liabilities.
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Absolutely.
I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",
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but if there was a "Ms Mr",
I'm a Ms as well.
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You do keep financial records?
Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income.
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You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em.
I call 'em keepers.
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- Problem is I've never really filed them.
- No kidding.
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Just out of curiosity,
who would want to buy this place anyway?
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Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.
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Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up.
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One more, bitch. One more, bitch.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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- Now you're my bitch.
- Yeah.
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Yeah, baby.
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Involuntary spasm.
Look at the show. Enjoy the show.
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00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:18,534
This a bad time? I could come back.
Looks like some real dude sweat going on.
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00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:22,996
Add three pounds to the scales in the
women's locker room before you go home.
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00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:27,909
Refreshment?
I've got protein paste, carb laxative...
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- Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?
- I'm trying to cut down on those.
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- They're good. They are good.
- Know what you mean.
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Walk with me.
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00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:43,883
Hey, Brianna.
Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.
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Nice job, Susie.
You call that a sit-up?
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Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.
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There's a good energy in the gym.
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00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:54,526
Let me guess why you're here, Pete.
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Because I bought out
the second mortgage on your gym.
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You've got 30 days to make $50,000,
or your gym becomes my gym.
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I know we've had our differences...
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00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:08,746
Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?
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It was one night.
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00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,460
Or the strip-o-gram you sent me
for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?
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00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:16,963
- It was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.
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Let's not get hung up on details.
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- We're both professionals.
- Really?
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00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:25,265
Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.
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My gym's worth over $4 million.
Your gym isn't worth four.
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I have shareholders.
You haven't even got cupholders.
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00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,059
- Why would I want cupholders?
- The point is
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00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:39,189
Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.
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A benchmark in the fitness community.
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Your "gym" is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.
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00:11:46,496 --> 00:11:51,158
See, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favours.
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I earned this body
and I built this temple
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00:11:54,462 --> 00:11:58,163
out of nothing more than
a little can-do attitude and elbow grease.
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And a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.
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00:12:01,177 --> 00:12:07,298
So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build
a parking structure for my members, so be it.
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00:12:07,392 --> 00:12:09,633
There's nothing you can do about it.
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00:12:09,727 --> 00:12:14,804
In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap
you call a gym into permanent nothingness.
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00:12:14,899 --> 00:12:20,273
I can only hope that you, and the mongrel
race that comprise your membership,
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are inside it when I do.
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00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,941
Show Mr La Fleur out.
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00:12:26,035 --> 00:12:28,111
Turn it up high, Reggie.
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00:12:29,497 --> 00:12:31,573
I wanna burn.
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00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:38,328
So that's the deal. We got 30 days
to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.
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00:12:38,422 --> 00:12:40,960
I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A.
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00:12:42,301 --> 00:12:46,049
No need to raise your hands,
it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.
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00:12:46,138 --> 00:12:49,886
Yes, Peter, - and I'm just spitballing here -
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00:12:49,975 --> 00:12:54,637
but why don't we pay it off
in Canadian dollars and save some money?
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00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:58,893
Just so you know, if that's a route
you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.
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00:12:58,984 --> 00:13:02,353
It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars.
185
00:13:02,446 --> 00:13:07,522
- How are we gonna come up with $120,000?
- Owen, you don't add them together.
186
00:13:07,617 --> 00:13:11,911
Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this,
but it's more like $73,313...
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00:13:11,997 --> 00:13:15,697
It doesn't matter. We can't come up
with $50,000. We're screwed.
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00:13:15,792 --> 00:13:17,619
Gar.
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00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:23,084
- It's an insurmountable amount of money.
- No, it's not insurmountable. Come on.
190
00:13:23,424 --> 00:13:26,129
We can'tjust sit back
and let Globo Gym take us over.
191
00:13:26,219 --> 00:13:29,303
Average Joe's is too important.
192
00:13:29,389 --> 00:13:31,677
Where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?
193
00:13:31,766 --> 00:13:33,758
- Average Joe's.
- Right.
194
00:13:33,851 --> 00:13:37,719
Dwight, Owen, what will you do
if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?
195
00:13:37,813 --> 00:13:41,728
- I ain't working at no airport again.
- No. Cos you hated it.
196
00:13:41,817 --> 00:13:46,111
And, Steve, where do you go
to do whatever it is that you do?
197
00:13:46,197 --> 00:13:50,657
- Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve.
- Gar. You're right.
198
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:55,573
Do you see? There's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.
199
00:13:55,664 --> 00:13:59,413
They'd laugh at me there.
Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.
200
00:13:59,501 --> 00:14:02,372
But not here, not at Joe's.
201
00:14:02,463 --> 00:14:07,421
I need this place.
You guys need this place. Come on.
202
00:14:09,887 --> 00:14:12,840
I got it. I know how we can raise the money.
203
00:14:12,931 --> 00:14:15,552
- How?
- Car wash.
204
00:14:32,033 --> 00:14:35,616
What are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?
205
00:14:35,703 --> 00:14:37,577
The girls beat us fair and square.
206
00:14:37,705 --> 00:14:43,744
I am gonna be a gentleman about it and
congratulate every one of them, personally.
207
00:14:43,836 --> 00:14:48,463
Guys. Not to be a nay-sayer or anything,
but the only customer we've had
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00:14:48,549 --> 00:14:53,092
is that weird guy
who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
209
00:14:57,975 --> 00:15:03,017
That's it, boy.
Get in there nice and deep, like.
210
00:15:05,232 --> 00:15:08,352
- That's not good.
- Gar. This sucks.
211
00:15:19,663 --> 00:15:22,664
Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.
212
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:27,118
At Globo Gym,
we're better than you and we know it.
213
00:15:27,212 --> 00:15:30,083
Sign up now.
214
00:15:30,173 --> 00:15:32,415
Do you smell that fitness? I do.
215
00:15:32,509 --> 00:15:34,965
Rock it and shock it, baby.
216
00:15:35,053 --> 00:15:37,093
You gotta burn it to earn it.
217
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:41,130
- What's in the envelope?
- Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym.
218
00:15:41,226 --> 00:15:45,058
- Cool.
- It's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult.
219
00:15:45,146 --> 00:15:49,144
Maybe we could sell 'em for cash
cos the car wash cost us money.
220
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:51,807
- We're further away from saving this place?
- Yes.
221
00:15:51,903 --> 00:15:54,524
- We'll never raise enough money.
- This blows.
222
00:15:54,614 --> 00:15:56,607
Guys, I know this is tough to take,
223
00:15:56,699 --> 00:16:00,744
but if an impromptu car wash
doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,
224
00:16:00,828 --> 00:16:02,951
I guess itjust isn't in the cards.
225
00:16:03,039 --> 00:16:09,457
Trust me here. If there was any way in
the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,
226
00:16:09,545 --> 00:16:11,870
short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.
227
00:16:11,964 --> 00:16:14,253
We could sell blood and semen.
228
00:16:14,342 --> 00:16:16,168
What? Not mixed together.
229
00:16:16,260 --> 00:16:18,466
Guys, I love the enthusiasm,
230
00:16:18,554 --> 00:16:22,053
I love the energy here,
but we're looking at this the wrong way.
231
00:16:22,141 --> 00:16:24,810
Let's celebrate the good times
that was Joe's.
232
00:16:24,894 --> 00:16:28,309
We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style.
233
00:16:31,317 --> 00:16:35,231
Let me be the first
to say goodbye to Average Joe's.
234
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:39,448
We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now let's try to have some fun.
235
00:16:39,533 --> 00:16:42,984
I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song",
and we'll tear this place apart.
236
00:16:43,078 --> 00:16:45,403
Wait, wait. Peter. Peter.
237
00:16:46,081 --> 00:16:48,323
We could play dodgeball.
238
00:16:48,417 --> 00:16:53,078
That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's
tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.
239
00:16:53,171 --> 00:16:58,960
There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.
240
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:01,969
I read about
the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
241
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,297
every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly.
242
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:07,012
Of course. That's a totally common thing.
243
00:17:07,102 --> 00:17:11,348
The best part is it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.
244
00:17:11,439 --> 00:17:17,228
- How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000?
- They have a cash prize for the winner.
245
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,321
- How much?
- $50,000.
246
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:23,526
Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000
for playing dodgeball.
247
00:17:23,618 --> 00:17:26,821
- Why not?
- None of us know how to play dodgeball.
248
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:31,491
I do. We played it in PE last year.
They showed us this film about it.
249
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,917
- Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.
250
00:17:35,004 --> 00:17:37,673
Can we please try to be serious
here for one second?
251
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:43,095
You said anything we could do to raise
the money. This is that anything. This is it.
252
00:17:43,179 --> 00:17:46,594
Come on, show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?
253
00:17:47,308 --> 00:17:49,680
Come on.
254
00:17:52,187 --> 00:17:54,678
Come on, Pete.
255
00:17:55,732 --> 00:17:59,018
You guys had me at blood and semen.
Come here.
256
00:18:02,531 --> 00:18:05,781
You want it, don't you, fat boy?
257
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:07,824
You want that doughnut.
258
00:18:07,911 --> 00:18:10,698
Go ahead and have a bite.
259
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:14,739
Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.
260
00:18:20,131 --> 00:18:22,005
Momma.
261
00:18:22,759 --> 00:18:27,635
- Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you.
- Give me 30 seconds and send her in.
262
00:18:27,722 --> 00:18:29,264
Yes, sir.
263
00:18:44,739 --> 00:18:46,815
Thank you.
264
00:18:51,954 --> 00:18:56,248
Hello, Katherine. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.
265
00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:59,868
- You asked me to come over.
- Did I?
266
00:19:01,088 --> 00:19:03,959
Are you reading the dictionary?
267
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:09,299
You caught me. I like to break
a mental sweat too. Grab a chair.
268
00:19:09,388 --> 00:19:15,556
So, I trust everything's going swimmingly
with our acquisition of Average Joe's?
269
00:19:15,644 --> 00:19:20,389
So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there,
so I should probably get back.
270
00:19:20,482 --> 00:19:24,480
- That is a really interesting painting.
- Thank you.
271
00:19:24,569 --> 00:19:30,026
Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns.
It's how I handle my business.
272
00:19:30,116 --> 00:19:32,239
It's a metaphor.
273
00:19:32,327 --> 00:19:36,538
- I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.
274
00:19:36,623 --> 00:19:41,700
Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here,
but there's always room for one more squaw.
275
00:19:41,795 --> 00:19:45,958
So, please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.
276
00:19:46,049 --> 00:19:48,622
- I don't.
- I don't want to get into a formal thing.
277
00:19:48,718 --> 00:19:50,794
I'm White, you know.
278
00:19:50,887 --> 00:19:52,760
W-h-i-t.
279
00:19:54,766 --> 00:19:56,176
E.
280
00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:58,972
Thanks, Mr Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.
281
00:19:59,061 --> 00:20:01,220
They just assigned me to your account.
282
00:20:01,314 --> 00:20:07,316
Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank
works for me so, ipso fact, I'm your boss.
283
00:20:07,403 --> 00:20:13,690
Point is, I would love to see your pretty
little bone structure around here some more.
284
00:20:13,784 --> 00:20:15,943
There's no reason we need to be shackled
285
00:20:16,036 --> 00:20:20,248
by the strictures of
the employee-employer relationship.
286
00:20:20,332 --> 00:20:22,906
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
287
00:20:23,002 --> 00:20:25,789
In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.
288
00:20:25,879 --> 00:20:29,580
I'm just kidding.
But seriously, I've got 'em.
289
00:20:29,675 --> 00:20:32,426
I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.
290
00:20:32,511 --> 00:20:37,849
In fact, I actually prefer it over there.
291
00:20:37,933 --> 00:20:41,800
Really? You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser-Town?
292
00:20:41,895 --> 00:20:45,145
They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.
293
00:20:46,525 --> 00:20:48,731
People?
294
00:20:48,818 --> 00:20:51,392
"People, just like you and me."
Oh, man.
295
00:20:51,488 --> 00:20:55,320
That is what I love about you, Kate.
You've got a "personality".
296
00:20:56,242 --> 00:21:03,538
That is rich. A real sauciness
that I find extremely attractive.
297
00:21:05,543 --> 00:21:07,868
We should mate.
298
00:21:07,962 --> 00:21:09,754
- What?
- Date.
299
00:21:09,839 --> 00:21:12,923
We should date some time. Socially.
Go out and kick it.
300
00:21:14,802 --> 00:21:16,759
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
301
00:21:16,846 --> 00:21:20,215
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
302
00:21:21,392 --> 00:21:24,725
In some cultures, they only eat vomit.
303
00:21:24,854 --> 00:21:28,638
I never been there,
but I read about it in a book.
304
00:21:28,733 --> 00:21:32,481
I'm sorry, Mr Goodman.
I don't date clients.
305
00:21:34,154 --> 00:21:35,946
I get it.
306
00:21:36,031 --> 00:21:39,614
Don't crap where you eat. I understand.
307
00:21:39,702 --> 00:21:43,569
Me'Shell.
Please escort Ms Veatch out.
308
00:21:45,249 --> 00:21:49,412
And, Katherine, make sure
my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly.
309
00:21:49,503 --> 00:21:52,788
They're up to something over there.
I can smell it.
310
00:22:00,013 --> 00:22:05,932
�ber-American Instructional films,
teaching America's youth since 1938.
311
00:22:12,692 --> 00:22:14,566
Hey, there, Timmy.
312
00:22:14,652 --> 00:22:18,401
Holy mackerel, mister.
You scared the jeepers out of me.
313
00:22:18,490 --> 00:22:22,357
How'd you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint,
314
00:22:22,452 --> 00:22:23,862
and learn about dodgeball?
315
00:22:23,953 --> 00:22:25,862
Boy, would I.
316
00:22:29,792 --> 00:22:33,126
- Where am I, mister?
- You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.
317
00:22:33,212 --> 00:22:36,712
This is where dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century,
318
00:22:36,799 --> 00:22:39,124
by opium-addicted Chinamen.
319
00:22:39,218 --> 00:22:42,717
Back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each another
320
00:22:42,805 --> 00:22:46,174
instead of the ADAA-approved balls
we use today.
321
00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:49,848
ADAA?
322
00:22:49,937 --> 00:22:53,637
That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.
323
00:22:53,732 --> 00:22:59,319
Dodgeball is played with six players
on each team, and six rubber balls.
324
00:22:59,405 --> 00:23:02,608
The object of the game
is to eliminate the opposing players.
325
00:23:02,699 --> 00:23:07,196
Once all the players on one team are
eliminated, the opposing team wins.
326
00:23:07,287 --> 00:23:11,367
Wow. I can't wait
to get the fellas together and play.
327
00:23:13,335 --> 00:23:16,252
Hang on a second there, sport.
328
00:23:16,338 --> 00:23:19,457
- Patches O'Houlihan.
- That's right, Timmy.
329
00:23:19,549 --> 00:23:25,587
Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA
All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way.
330
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,345
- Jeepers. Really?
- You betcha, champ.
331
00:23:29,768 --> 00:23:33,848
If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground,
332
00:23:33,938 --> 00:23:37,307
the player who threw that ball is out,
not you.
333
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:42,228
Plus, another player from your team
gets to come back into the game.
334
00:23:42,322 --> 00:23:45,856
- It's a two-player swing.
- Thanks, Patches.
335
00:23:45,950 --> 00:23:48,821
I can't wait to start my own team at school.
336
00:23:48,911 --> 00:23:51,034
Attaboy, Tiger.
337
00:23:51,122 --> 00:23:56,792
But remember, dodgeball is a sport
of violence, exclusion and degradation.
338
00:23:56,877 --> 00:23:59,997
So, when you're picking players in gym class,
339
00:24:00,089 --> 00:24:04,252
remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.
340
00:24:04,343 --> 00:24:09,966
That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones, like Winston here.
341
00:24:14,978 --> 00:24:17,896
Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.
342
00:24:17,981 --> 00:24:21,564
Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.
343
00:24:21,652 --> 00:24:24,439
Dodge, duck, dip, dive and
344
00:24:24,529 --> 00:24:26,154
dodge.
345
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:29,276
Till next time.
This is Patches O'Houlihan,
346
00:24:29,368 --> 00:24:34,113
saying, "Take care of your balls
and they'll take care of you."
347
00:24:35,749 --> 00:24:38,584
OK, guys. Any questions? Great.
348
00:24:38,668 --> 00:24:43,544
I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre.
349
00:24:43,632 --> 00:24:45,589
But we haven't even practised yet.
350
00:24:45,675 --> 00:24:49,507
We have to qualify for the Vegas Open.
Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.
351
00:24:49,596 --> 00:24:55,052
Everyone, just relax. I've always found
the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.
352
00:24:55,143 --> 00:24:57,930
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.
353
00:24:58,021 --> 00:25:00,262
Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.
354
00:25:00,356 --> 00:25:02,265
OK, I think everybody knows...
355
00:25:05,736 --> 00:25:09,864
- Don't you have an office of your own?
- Yes, I do have an office.
356
00:25:09,949 --> 00:25:12,819
A very nice office
with a view and air-conditioning.
357
00:25:12,910 --> 00:25:16,244
- Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closet
358
00:25:16,330 --> 00:25:21,288
of 30 years of financial transactions,
devoid of any filing system known to man.
359
00:25:21,377 --> 00:25:25,326
Hard to believe I only got a semester
ofjunior college under my belt.
360
00:25:25,422 --> 00:25:30,417
Do you realise you haven't collected
any membership fees in 13 months?
361
00:25:30,511 --> 00:25:34,508
I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?
362
00:25:34,598 --> 00:25:38,347
I found that if you have a goal,
you might not reach it.
363
00:25:38,435 --> 00:25:42,100
But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.
364
00:25:42,189 --> 00:25:46,685
I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.
365
00:25:46,777 --> 00:25:50,062
I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
366
00:25:50,155 --> 00:25:52,907
Sad? You wanna know what's sad?
367
00:25:52,991 --> 00:25:55,862
Six grown men playing dodgeball.
368
00:25:56,286 --> 00:26:00,449
Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and do some abs, go shock it up.
369
00:26:00,540 --> 00:26:04,241
I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.
370
00:26:04,335 --> 00:26:07,171
Gotta be limber and loose.
That's the only way to play.
371
00:26:07,255 --> 00:26:11,881
Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time...
372
00:26:14,304 --> 00:26:16,676
Dodgeball, eh?
373
00:26:16,764 --> 00:26:21,806
If Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,
374
00:26:21,894 --> 00:26:24,765
he's in for quite a surprise.
375
00:26:32,989 --> 00:26:35,989
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.
376
00:26:36,075 --> 00:26:40,404
- Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
377
00:26:40,496 --> 00:26:42,654
- Hey, Gord, your family's here.
- Where?
378
00:26:42,748 --> 00:26:44,990
- Right over there.
- Great.
379
00:26:45,084 --> 00:26:48,500
She knows I don't like it
when she watches me. I get all nervous.
380
00:26:48,587 --> 00:26:51,458
- Kids take after you.
- Yeah. She's their stepmother.
381
00:26:51,548 --> 00:26:54,633
I remarried three years ago.
An Internet mail-order thing.
382
00:26:54,718 --> 00:26:58,930
- How's that working out for you?
- Really great. Really great.
383
00:26:59,014 --> 00:27:00,473
Hey, honey.
384
00:27:02,184 --> 00:27:05,268
L for love. Good times.
385
00:27:05,353 --> 00:27:07,429
L for love? That doesn't mean love...
386
00:27:07,522 --> 00:27:10,096
People have different translations for things.
387
00:27:10,192 --> 00:27:14,604
That's a special bond that you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice.
388
00:27:14,696 --> 00:27:16,938
- How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Two.
389
00:27:17,032 --> 00:27:19,439
If we beat this team,
we're in the Vegas Open?
390
00:27:19,534 --> 00:27:21,408
- Yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.
391
00:27:21,494 --> 00:27:26,489
- Who's the other team?
- I have it right here. Just a sec.
392
00:27:26,583 --> 00:27:31,244
- Troop 417.
- Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts?
393
00:27:31,879 --> 00:27:33,124
Not quite.
394
00:27:41,764 --> 00:27:43,342
Bollocks.
395
00:27:48,896 --> 00:27:51,054
Troop 417, ready.
396
00:27:51,148 --> 00:27:52,856
Average Joe's, ready.
397
00:27:54,652 --> 00:27:56,312
Set. Dodgeball.
398
00:28:24,848 --> 00:28:27,255
I'm gonna send you to hell.
399
00:28:36,985 --> 00:28:42,227
- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?
- Why would you hit a girl? Why?
400
00:28:42,323 --> 00:28:44,363
I am so sorry. Are you OK?
401
00:28:46,661 --> 00:28:49,116
Winner - Troop 417.
402
00:28:49,205 --> 00:28:51,281
In your face.
403
00:28:51,374 --> 00:28:55,751
You're adopted.
Your parents don't even love you.
404
00:28:58,130 --> 00:29:04,169
And now, without further ado,
it gives me great pleasure to award...
405
00:29:06,931 --> 00:29:10,134
I'm sorry.
We have a bit of a problem here.
406
00:29:10,893 --> 00:29:14,143
Unfortunately for Troop 417,
407
00:29:14,230 --> 00:29:18,227
during the ADAA-required
random drug screening,
408
00:29:18,317 --> 00:29:23,738
one of your player's urine tested positive
for three separate types of anabolic steroids,
409
00:29:23,822 --> 00:29:27,737
and a low-grade beaver tranquilliser.
410
00:29:27,826 --> 00:29:31,954
I'm afraid, by rule,
your team must be disqualified.
411
00:29:32,539 --> 00:29:34,911
Goddamn you, Bernice.
412
00:29:35,626 --> 00:29:39,077
By the power vested in me,
I declare the winner of this year's
413
00:29:39,171 --> 00:29:44,627
Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament
and Grammar Jamboree to be
414
00:29:44,718 --> 00:29:46,545
Average Joe's Gym.
415
00:29:49,389 --> 00:29:51,180
You lied.
416
00:29:58,106 --> 00:30:03,231
All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can
admit the real reason why you showed up.
417
00:30:03,319 --> 00:30:07,815
I was in the neighbourhood and
I thought you could use a cheering section.
418
00:30:07,907 --> 00:30:11,608
Kate, if you wannajoin the team,
all you have to do is ask.
419
00:30:11,702 --> 00:30:14,538
Thank you, Peter. I don't.
420
00:30:15,456 --> 00:30:18,243
It is obvious that you dig me.
421
00:30:18,334 --> 00:30:20,327
- You're hooked on La Fleur.
- God.
422
00:30:20,419 --> 00:30:25,414
I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.
You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.
423
00:30:25,508 --> 00:30:31,628
I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have
brief moments where you're not completely...
424
00:30:33,307 --> 00:30:36,343
What? I'm not completely what?
425
00:30:36,435 --> 00:30:39,187
Pathetic.
426
00:30:39,813 --> 00:30:42,980
Hey, White. I didn't think
that Nazi camp got out until eight.
427
00:30:43,066 --> 00:30:47,609
- Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
- Yes, I did.
428
00:30:47,696 --> 00:30:51,741
Hello, Kate.
I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialise.
429
00:30:51,825 --> 00:30:58,622
- You're not. I'm off the clock.
- Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the clock?
430
00:30:58,707 --> 00:31:02,835
I dropped by to congratulate you
on your victory by disqualification
431
00:31:02,919 --> 00:31:06,917
and introduce you to the team that
will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.
432
00:31:07,007 --> 00:31:08,750
My team.
433
00:31:10,010 --> 00:31:12,500
Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to
434
00:31:12,595 --> 00:31:14,671
Blade.
435
00:31:15,598 --> 00:31:17,674
Laser.
436
00:31:18,685 --> 00:31:20,973
Blazer.
437
00:31:21,062 --> 00:31:24,597
I've believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.
438
00:31:24,691 --> 00:31:29,269
- We met.
- And I almost forgot our last player.
439
00:31:29,362 --> 00:31:34,320
Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.
440
00:31:44,502 --> 00:31:48,630
In her home country of Romanovia,
dodgeball is the national sport.
441
00:31:48,714 --> 00:31:53,175
Her nuclear power plant's team won
the championship five years running,
442
00:31:53,260 --> 00:31:58,467
which makes her the deadliest woman
on earth with a dodgeball.
443
00:31:58,557 --> 00:32:00,348
Ball me, Blazer.
444
00:32:00,768 --> 00:32:03,175
Show them, Fran.
445
00:32:07,566 --> 00:32:10,317
That's just her change-up.
446
00:32:10,402 --> 00:32:12,478
End of demo.
447
00:32:12,571 --> 00:32:15,488
We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras
448
00:32:15,574 --> 00:32:19,322
and we will, we will rock you.
449
00:32:23,707 --> 00:32:26,577
I think that guy might really be dead.
450
00:32:28,253 --> 00:32:32,547
Wait a minute. How can you be
entered in the Las Vegas Open?
451
00:32:32,632 --> 00:32:34,921
You didn't win a regional qualifying match.
452
00:32:35,009 --> 00:32:38,343
Oh, my God. We never even won
a regional qualifying match.
453
00:32:38,429 --> 00:32:40,505
Yeah. Now I remember.
454
00:32:40,598 --> 00:32:44,299
The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine.
455
00:32:44,394 --> 00:32:47,679
I helped him shed some unwanted poundage
before beach season.
456
00:32:47,772 --> 00:32:50,477
So close your rule book
on that one, Poindextor.
457
00:32:50,566 --> 00:32:55,145
White, we didn't come here to "rumble".
We came here to celebrate as a team.
458
00:32:55,237 --> 00:32:58,404
There's plenty of bar here
for you and the Globo-nauts.
459
00:32:58,491 --> 00:33:00,282
Team?
460
00:33:00,367 --> 00:33:04,365
What team?
Your best player thinks he's a pirate.
461
00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:11,284
First of all, he is way more
of a pirate than you will ever be.
462
00:33:11,378 --> 00:33:16,717
Secondly, we don't know who our best player
is yet. We've only had one game.
463
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:21,592
- It could be any one of us at this point.
- Go ahead, make yourjokes, Mr
464
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,756
Jokey... Joke-maker.
465
00:33:23,849 --> 00:33:26,766
But let me hit you with
some knowledge. Quit now.
466
00:33:26,852 --> 00:33:32,142
Save yourself the embarrassment of losing
with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
467
00:33:32,232 --> 00:33:35,435
Alliteration aside,
I'll take my chances in the tournament.
468
00:33:35,527 --> 00:33:40,105
- Yeah, you will take your chances.
- I know. I just said that.
469
00:33:40,198 --> 00:33:43,365
- I know you did.
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
470
00:33:43,451 --> 00:33:46,903
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I said.
471
00:33:46,996 --> 00:33:51,326
- That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.
472
00:33:51,417 --> 00:33:52,960
Touch�.
473
00:33:55,672 --> 00:33:58,672
We're gonna split,
but we'll see you at the tournament.
474
00:33:58,758 --> 00:34:03,752
And, La Fleur, best bring your bib
cos it's gonna get messy.
475
00:34:08,434 --> 00:34:10,592
Are you all right? You OK?
476
00:34:12,730 --> 00:34:14,972
Let's bounce. Cobras.
477
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:24,446
OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?
478
00:34:30,998 --> 00:34:32,278
Hey, you.
479
00:34:32,374 --> 00:34:37,166
That was the worst damn display
of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.
480
00:34:37,254 --> 00:34:40,753
You want a dodgeball victory,
you've gotta grab it by its haunches
481
00:34:40,841 --> 00:34:44,257
and hump it into submission.
That's the only way.
482
00:34:44,344 --> 00:34:47,713
OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.
483
00:34:47,806 --> 00:34:50,890
I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
484
00:34:52,060 --> 00:34:55,014
The name's Patches O'Houlihan.
485
00:34:55,105 --> 00:34:57,774
I'm your new coach.
486
00:34:57,857 --> 00:35:00,811
Patches O'Houlihan?
The guy from the dodgeball film?
487
00:35:00,902 --> 00:35:03,737
- Yeah. He said he wants to coach us.
- You said yes?
488
00:35:03,822 --> 00:35:07,950
I figured the steady hand of a seasoned
dodgeball coach could only benefit us.
489
00:35:08,034 --> 00:35:11,118
A'iight.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?
490
00:35:11,204 --> 00:35:14,121
No. No, he's totally normal.
491
00:35:25,092 --> 00:35:28,592
I love the smell of queef in the morning.
492
00:35:28,679 --> 00:35:30,755
I mean normal for us.
493
00:35:31,265 --> 00:35:33,174
Line up, ladies.
494
00:35:33,267 --> 00:35:35,639
- What does he mean, line up?
- Now.
495
00:35:38,689 --> 00:35:42,556
If you're gonna learn to be
true dodgeballers,
496
00:35:42,651 --> 00:35:46,483
then you've got to learn
the five Ds of dodgeball:
497
00:35:46,572 --> 00:35:49,656
dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.
498
00:35:49,742 --> 00:35:55,780
If you master the five Ds,
no amount of balls on earth can hit you.
499
00:35:56,999 --> 00:36:00,249
- Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or...
500
00:36:00,335 --> 00:36:05,246
Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or...
501
00:36:05,340 --> 00:36:08,709
That's what this sack of wrenches is for.
502
00:36:14,015 --> 00:36:16,685
If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.
503
00:36:16,768 --> 00:36:18,844
What?
504
00:36:28,613 --> 00:36:30,440
Any other questions?
505
00:36:30,531 --> 00:36:32,738
My God.
506
00:36:32,825 --> 00:36:37,950
Yeah. Patches, are you sure
that this is completely necessary?
507
00:36:38,039 --> 00:36:40,494
Necessary?
508
00:36:40,583 --> 00:36:44,877
- Is it necessary for me to drink my urine?
- Probably not.
509
00:36:44,962 --> 00:36:50,004
No. But I do it anyway
because it's sterile and I like the taste.
510
00:36:50,092 --> 00:36:51,551
OK.
511
00:36:51,635 --> 00:36:57,140
If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've
got to learn to do the dance in the dark.
512
00:36:57,933 --> 00:36:59,890
Here, put that on.
513
00:36:59,977 --> 00:37:02,349
All right, ladies, buckle up.
514
00:37:02,688 --> 00:37:04,063
It's showtime.
515
00:37:06,859 --> 00:37:09,350
Dodge, duck, dip. Dive.
516
00:37:11,029 --> 00:37:12,654
Dodge.
517
00:37:12,739 --> 00:37:14,566
Dive.
518
00:37:14,658 --> 00:37:17,908
Dip. Dive. Dodge.
519
00:37:18,620 --> 00:37:23,329
I've got three weeks to whip you
suck-ass failure junkies into shape.
520
00:37:23,416 --> 00:37:27,035
Come on. I get better runs in my shorts.
521
00:37:27,671 --> 00:37:32,795
Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out.
One of our guys comes back in.
522
00:37:32,884 --> 00:37:36,134
That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.
523
00:37:38,807 --> 00:37:40,764
Let's go. A little hustle here.
524
00:37:47,940 --> 00:37:49,684
That's really good, Peter.
525
00:37:53,404 --> 00:37:57,698
Come on. Only 19 miles to go.
526
00:38:01,454 --> 00:38:02,699
Attaboy.
527
00:38:04,540 --> 00:38:06,580
Next man.
528
00:38:06,667 --> 00:38:09,834
Good luck to you, Gordon.
Remember it's 90% mental.
529
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:10,952
Okey-dokey.
530
00:38:11,046 --> 00:38:15,293
If you can dodge traffic,
you can dodge a ball.
531
00:38:18,929 --> 00:38:20,969
You got it, Gord.
532
00:38:25,769 --> 00:38:28,936
- I'm fine. I'm OK.
- OK, there.
533
00:38:35,779 --> 00:38:37,902
- Man.
- Wake up, Smithy.
534
00:38:43,703 --> 00:38:48,164
Hell, son. You're about as useful
as a cock-flavoured lollipop.
535
00:38:48,875 --> 00:38:51,283
Quick feet, fast hands.
536
00:38:51,378 --> 00:38:53,335
Catch it and throw.
537
00:38:54,005 --> 00:38:58,881
Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females.
538
00:39:02,472 --> 00:39:05,473
Jesus. Gimme that.
539
00:39:06,726 --> 00:39:09,893
You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.
540
00:39:09,979 --> 00:39:12,933
Where's your killer instinct?
You gotta get angry.
541
00:39:13,024 --> 00:39:16,724
You gotta get mean.
That's the only way you can play.
542
00:39:17,445 --> 00:39:20,149
I guess I'm not really an angry person.
543
00:39:24,452 --> 00:39:27,121
Are you angry now?
544
00:39:27,204 --> 00:39:32,162
- Breathe it out.
- Come on, let's get going here.
545
00:39:39,675 --> 00:39:41,632
Little help?
546
00:39:50,686 --> 00:39:53,640
What? Eight years of softball.
547
00:39:53,730 --> 00:39:57,514
- Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.
548
00:39:57,609 --> 00:40:00,314
All I know is that dyke can play.
549
00:40:11,915 --> 00:40:14,073
Come on, come on.
550
00:40:14,167 --> 00:40:16,740
- Please.
- We need you. You're really good.
551
00:40:16,836 --> 00:40:18,829
Owen'll be team manager if you play.
552
00:40:18,922 --> 00:40:20,546
- I will?
- Shut up.
553
00:40:20,632 --> 00:40:23,585
Look, I find White Goodman creepy,
just like you do...
554
00:40:23,676 --> 00:40:26,084
All the more reason for you to join us.
555
00:40:26,179 --> 00:40:29,464
Come on, Kate.
Time to put your mouth where our balls are.
556
00:40:29,557 --> 00:40:33,851
Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It'd be a conflict of interest.
557
00:40:34,353 --> 00:40:36,560
Suit yourself.
558
00:40:36,647 --> 00:40:40,396
All right, you heard Billie-Jean King.
No crying in the breast milk.
559
00:40:40,484 --> 00:40:42,773
We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.
560
00:40:46,532 --> 00:40:50,280
We punch the pizza dough down,
and it's time to sauce it up.
561
00:40:50,369 --> 00:40:52,445
Boy, is my mouth watering.
562
00:40:52,538 --> 00:40:55,989
You want to put a big dollop
of that tangy red on the dough,
563
00:40:56,083 --> 00:40:59,037
then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.
564
00:40:59,128 --> 00:41:01,167
Sir, I need you to take a look at...
565
00:41:01,255 --> 00:41:03,212
No. What...
566
00:41:03,298 --> 00:41:08,044
What...
What have I said about knocking?
567
00:41:08,178 --> 00:41:10,503
- Always knock.
- Sorry, sir.
568
00:41:10,597 --> 00:41:16,053
What is so important that you need to
interrupt me in my private reflection period?
569
00:41:16,603 --> 00:41:18,679
These.
570
00:41:22,734 --> 00:41:27,360
- They're getting better.
- Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell.
571
00:41:27,447 --> 00:41:31,908
I'm through playing games. It's time
to end this square dance once and for all.
572
00:41:31,993 --> 00:41:34,151
What about the girl? She can throw.
573
00:41:34,245 --> 00:41:38,290
I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.
574
00:41:38,374 --> 00:41:41,245
But rest assured, Me'Shell.
575
00:41:41,335 --> 00:41:46,875
There's no resisting when
White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.
576
00:42:07,778 --> 00:42:09,984
- Who is it?
- It's White.
577
00:42:12,616 --> 00:42:15,570
- Surprise.
- White.
578
00:42:16,954 --> 00:42:19,955
What... What are you doing here?
579
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,365
How do you know where I live?
580
00:42:22,459 --> 00:42:24,748
It's called the Freedom of Information Act.
581
00:42:24,836 --> 00:42:28,537
The hippies finally got something right.
Just kiddin'. Not really.
582
00:42:28,632 --> 00:42:32,464
Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.
583
00:42:35,347 --> 00:42:37,423
- What is it?
- You're fired.
584
00:42:37,515 --> 00:42:39,223
- I'm what?
- You're fired.
585
00:42:39,309 --> 00:42:43,141
I told the bank that you were stealing
and drinking on the job. They bought it.
586
00:42:43,229 --> 00:42:46,515
They signed some other
pencil pusher to my account.
587
00:42:46,608 --> 00:42:48,849
Why would you do that?
588
00:42:49,402 --> 00:42:52,107
I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.
589
00:42:52,196 --> 00:42:55,233
- You fired me so I'd date you?
- Yuh-huh.
590
00:42:55,325 --> 00:42:58,195
You are a crazy little man.
591
00:42:58,286 --> 00:43:00,991
I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.
592
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:03,203
Yeah. Nausea.
593
00:43:03,291 --> 00:43:06,707
If you don't leave in two seconds,
you'll know how that feels.
594
00:43:08,504 --> 00:43:11,339
You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.
595
00:43:12,258 --> 00:43:14,131
I can be naughty, too.
596
00:43:15,803 --> 00:43:18,294
Real, freakin' naughty.
597
00:43:19,849 --> 00:43:21,888
- You a naughty freak?
- Need help leaving?
598
00:43:23,978 --> 00:43:25,721
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
599
00:43:25,813 --> 00:43:29,182
Not nearly as much as your hair does.
That's for sure.
600
00:43:29,274 --> 00:43:33,058
But I believe she asked you to leave.
601
00:43:35,030 --> 00:43:39,739
I get it. You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.
602
00:43:39,826 --> 00:43:44,405
Pity. I'll let you have
your little moment, La Fleur,
603
00:43:44,498 --> 00:43:51,876
cos after this tournament, your gym,
your life and your gal are gonna be mine.
604
00:43:51,963 --> 00:43:54,122
All mine.
605
00:43:54,799 --> 00:43:56,792
To be continued...
606
00:43:56,885 --> 00:43:59,672
You don't get to touch me, ever.
607
00:43:59,763 --> 00:44:02,218
OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.
608
00:44:02,307 --> 00:44:05,925
Get off me.
Don't you touch me.
609
00:44:08,021 --> 00:44:11,057
It is over between us, Kate.
610
00:44:11,149 --> 00:44:14,185
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.
Nobody.
611
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:31,868
- At least that wasn't weird.
- Yeah.
612
00:44:31,961 --> 00:44:34,962
- Do I smell cookies?
- Hey.
613
00:44:36,340 --> 00:44:38,831
Dear Barbara.
614
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:48,057
I like unicorns.
615
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:52,929
I know you said no to joining the team,
616
00:44:53,023 --> 00:44:56,937
but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favour to me.
617
00:44:57,027 --> 00:44:58,735
- Peter...
- Before you answer,
618
00:44:58,820 --> 00:45:01,394
you should know you'd have
your own changing room.
619
00:45:01,490 --> 00:45:03,696
- Really?
- Sort of.
620
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:07,198
And there's also this.
621
00:45:08,079 --> 00:45:10,238
- OK, what's this?
- I overdid.
622
00:45:12,709 --> 00:45:16,374
Look at you. Two expired movie passes
623
00:45:16,463 --> 00:45:21,006
and a coupon for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.
624
00:45:21,092 --> 00:45:25,801
- Play your cards right, could be a full body.
- Will you just stop, please?
625
00:45:25,889 --> 00:45:29,933
I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.
626
00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:33,718
I just want to see White Goodman's face
when we win that tournament.
627
00:45:33,813 --> 00:45:36,185
- You're in?
- I'm in.
628
00:45:40,361 --> 00:45:45,355
Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand,
broken dreams and $5 lobster.
629
00:45:45,449 --> 00:45:49,198
A city where you can get a happy ending,
if you pay a little extra.
630
00:45:49,286 --> 00:45:52,572
A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup,
631
00:45:52,665 --> 00:45:57,161
World Series and World War II combined.
632
00:45:57,253 --> 00:46:01,546
Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open
633
00:46:01,632 --> 00:46:04,467
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho" -
634
00:46:04,551 --> 00:46:09,344
bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.
635
00:46:09,431 --> 00:46:12,800
If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.
636
00:46:12,893 --> 00:46:18,729
Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's
Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
637
00:46:18,815 --> 00:46:22,101
brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
638
00:46:22,194 --> 00:46:25,942
We're coming to you live from
the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.
639
00:46:26,031 --> 00:46:27,904
My name is Cotton McKnight
640
00:46:27,991 --> 00:46:31,858
and with me, as always,
is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.
641
00:46:31,953 --> 00:46:33,827
Yeah. Cotton, hey.
642
00:46:33,913 --> 00:46:39,370
Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means
four wins is gonna get you in the final match,
643
00:46:39,460 --> 00:46:42,912
the fifth win getting you
the 50K that everyone's chasing.
644
00:46:43,006 --> 00:46:44,037
Cotton.
645
00:46:44,132 --> 00:46:49,470
There's an electricity in the air,
a palpable hue of anticipation.
646
00:46:49,554 --> 00:46:53,053
Immortality - five simple victories away.
647
00:46:53,141 --> 00:46:58,016
They've come from all over - Kathmandu
to Timbuktu, and all points in-between -
648
00:46:58,104 --> 00:47:02,564
to compete in the one
true human test - dodgeball.
649
00:47:03,401 --> 00:47:06,022
A reminder.
All players must be vaccinated
650
00:47:06,112 --> 00:47:10,441
for cholera, syphilis and shingles
before play begins.
651
00:47:10,533 --> 00:47:14,945
Again, dyslexic players
will not be allowed on the court.
652
00:47:15,037 --> 00:47:19,498
Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor
for a first-round match.
653
00:47:19,583 --> 00:47:22,952
Only ADAA balls will be used.
654
00:47:23,045 --> 00:47:26,877
Personal balls of any kind
are strictly prohibited.
655
00:47:26,965 --> 00:47:29,456
- Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?
656
00:47:29,551 --> 00:47:34,130
Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.
657
00:47:34,222 --> 00:47:38,090
So I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.
658
00:47:38,185 --> 00:47:42,562
All right. Now we got our thing going on,
maybe we'll start smacking each other.
659
00:47:42,647 --> 00:47:44,723
I hope everything fits.
660
00:47:46,776 --> 00:47:49,398
- Wait.
- Nice.
661
00:47:49,487 --> 00:47:54,030
This isn't right.
This isn't what I ordered.
662
00:47:57,912 --> 00:48:01,696
- What's this?
- What the hell is that? This is screwed up.
663
00:48:02,667 --> 00:48:05,621
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Don't worry.
664
00:48:05,712 --> 00:48:07,918
- We'll play in what we've got on.
- We can't.
665
00:48:08,005 --> 00:48:10,793
ADAA rules require we wear
matching uniforms.
666
00:48:10,883 --> 00:48:15,095
I don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK?
667
00:48:15,179 --> 00:48:20,386
Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty
of time to find other uniforms before we play.
668
00:48:20,476 --> 00:48:23,975
Ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game.
669
00:48:24,063 --> 00:48:27,930
Come on, let's go.
Let's see some movement. Chop-chop.
670
00:48:28,025 --> 00:48:30,065
I don't see any movement. Let's go.
671
00:48:40,621 --> 00:48:43,491
How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?
672
00:48:43,582 --> 00:48:47,496
- That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot.
- Right you are.
673
00:48:47,586 --> 00:48:50,041
Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.
674
00:48:50,130 --> 00:48:53,546
The reigning European champ
hopes to extend their empire here.
675
00:48:53,633 --> 00:48:55,709
Appeasement be damned.
676
00:48:55,802 --> 00:48:59,136
Here comes
the relatively unknown challengers,
677
00:48:59,222 --> 00:49:03,469
a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.
678
00:49:13,278 --> 00:49:15,519
My sweet Jesus.
679
00:49:16,489 --> 00:49:18,529
That's rad.
680
00:49:18,616 --> 00:49:21,451
Hey, asshole, you guys suck.
681
00:49:21,911 --> 00:49:24,449
Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.
682
00:49:24,539 --> 00:49:27,243
Hi. We're all here and
683
00:49:27,333 --> 00:49:29,242
we are ready to play.
684
00:49:32,088 --> 00:49:34,626
- OK.
- OK.
685
00:49:36,467 --> 00:49:40,678
We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's
squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.
686
00:49:40,763 --> 00:49:43,598
I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.
687
00:49:43,682 --> 00:49:45,675
Average Joe's, ready.
688
00:49:45,768 --> 00:49:47,725
Blitzkrieg, ready.
689
00:49:47,811 --> 00:49:49,222
Dodgeball.
690
00:49:49,313 --> 00:49:54,141
And we're under way. Average Joe's
versus the heavily favoured German team.
691
00:49:54,234 --> 00:49:58,066
Of course, S&M gear first made
popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,
692
00:49:58,155 --> 00:50:01,191
- from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit. You're out.
693
00:50:01,283 --> 00:50:06,075
Leather and latex belong in the bedroom,
not on the dodgeball court.
694
00:50:06,163 --> 00:50:11,619
Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.
695
00:50:12,127 --> 00:50:16,670
Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated
and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.
696
00:50:23,972 --> 00:50:26,641
This Average Joe's team
doesn't look up to snuff.
697
00:50:27,892 --> 00:50:31,344
Midline infraction.
You went over the line, you're out.
698
00:50:31,437 --> 00:50:33,893
The Average Joe's catches a break there.
699
00:50:33,982 --> 00:50:37,564
The Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defence.
700
00:50:37,652 --> 00:50:40,225
Good toss by the submissive out there.
701
00:50:40,321 --> 00:50:44,485
Just two players left for Joe...
Check that. Make it one.
702
00:50:44,575 --> 00:50:47,493
Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.
703
00:50:47,954 --> 00:50:51,868
It's all up to the only player
without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch.
704
00:50:53,042 --> 00:50:55,118
What a throw.
705
00:50:55,211 --> 00:50:57,334
Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.
706
00:50:57,421 --> 00:50:59,081
Yes.
707
00:50:59,173 --> 00:51:03,420
- Come on, Kate.
- You're the only man out there. Give it to 'em.
708
00:51:03,510 --> 00:51:08,801
Germans have a two-one advantage.
Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.
709
00:51:08,891 --> 00:51:13,469
How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo.
Now Joe's has the upper hand.
710
00:51:13,562 --> 00:51:15,519
- Great deflection.
- Take it to him.
711
00:51:15,606 --> 00:51:20,351
- He's ball-less now.
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton.
712
00:51:20,444 --> 00:51:23,361
Winner. Average Joe's.
713
00:51:24,781 --> 00:51:27,272
My sweet dick, it's magic.
714
00:51:27,367 --> 00:51:28,648
Hey, all right.
715
00:51:28,743 --> 00:51:34,414
My. The Germans losing in the first round
and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.
716
00:51:34,499 --> 00:51:37,251
I feel shocked.
717
00:51:45,969 --> 00:51:48,008
Losers.
718
00:51:59,357 --> 00:52:02,274
You must be Daddy.
719
00:52:02,652 --> 00:52:06,981
Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball
pundits and made it to tomorrow's round
720
00:52:07,073 --> 00:52:10,773
where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff,
the men from the boys,
721
00:52:10,868 --> 00:52:14,035
and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.
722
00:52:14,121 --> 00:52:17,371
Don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.
723
00:52:21,795 --> 00:52:25,414
- What the hell.
- That guy's a dickhead.
724
00:52:31,054 --> 00:52:33,628
You wanted to see me, Patches?
725
00:52:34,892 --> 00:52:38,592
You did good out there, real good.
You're a natural leader, La Fleur.
726
00:52:38,687 --> 00:52:41,807
Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
727
00:52:41,898 --> 00:52:44,389
Kate's not a muff-diver.
728
00:52:46,194 --> 00:52:48,270
Hey. That's for you.
729
00:52:49,656 --> 00:52:52,906
- I can't accept this.
- You're a hell of a player, Peter.
730
00:52:52,993 --> 00:52:55,400
You earned it.
731
00:52:55,495 --> 00:53:00,406
I've got some hookers in my room.
What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
732
00:53:00,500 --> 00:53:03,750
No, thanks, I'll just stick
with the scarf, but thank you.
733
00:53:03,837 --> 00:53:05,913
Suit yourself, queer.
734
00:53:16,182 --> 00:53:18,009
- Sorry.
- Justin?
735
00:53:18,100 --> 00:53:20,805
Amber.
Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?
736
00:53:20,895 --> 00:53:26,055
- The National Cheerleading Championships.
- Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome.
737
00:53:26,150 --> 00:53:30,064
- We're in the finals tomorrow. And you?
- I'm in the dodgeball tournament.
738
00:53:30,154 --> 00:53:34,899
These are my team-mates,
Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.
739
00:53:34,992 --> 00:53:37,281
This is Amber.
740
00:53:37,369 --> 00:53:39,528
Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.
741
00:53:39,622 --> 00:53:44,533
- Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man.
- Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.
742
00:53:44,626 --> 00:53:50,250
- It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow.
- And also you. You look healthy... good.
743
00:53:51,133 --> 00:53:52,675
What?
744
00:53:52,759 --> 00:53:55,760
Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.
745
00:53:55,846 --> 00:53:59,297
He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone.
746
00:53:59,391 --> 00:54:02,060
- Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just saying, it happens.
747
00:54:02,144 --> 00:54:04,717
My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead.
748
00:54:04,813 --> 00:54:06,011
Thanks, man.
749
00:54:10,568 --> 00:54:13,569
Let's huddle up here.
We've got some work to do.
750
00:54:13,655 --> 00:54:15,861
We got lucky in the first round.
751
00:54:15,949 --> 00:54:19,567
We caught those dirty Krauts napping,
but that won't happen again,
752
00:54:19,661 --> 00:54:23,824
so blow out the horse hockey
and remember what I taught you.
753
00:54:23,915 --> 00:54:30,368
Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low
and will someone catch a goddamned ball?
754
00:54:30,463 --> 00:54:35,172
It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there.
755
00:54:35,259 --> 00:54:39,209
Get it together.
Let's play some dodgeball.
756
00:54:39,305 --> 00:54:41,214
Hands in.
757
00:54:41,307 --> 00:54:43,383
One, two, three, Joe's.
758
00:54:45,061 --> 00:54:47,302
- Average Joe's ready?
- Yes.
759
00:54:47,396 --> 00:54:49,555
Lumberjacks, ready?
760
00:54:49,648 --> 00:54:50,680
Dodgeball.
761
00:54:50,774 --> 00:54:54,357
Average Joe's has a tough job,
facing the Lumberjacks.
762
00:54:54,445 --> 00:54:58,027
These woodsmen probably haven't
even smelt a woman in eight months.
763
00:54:58,115 --> 00:55:00,950
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
764
00:55:01,035 --> 00:55:03,739
- Clean hit. You're out.
- In the deer gut.
765
00:55:03,829 --> 00:55:06,830
- Average Joe's looking tough.
- Yes.
766
00:55:11,878 --> 00:55:14,548
There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.
767
00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:21,628
Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him.
That's all she wrote, folks.
768
00:55:21,721 --> 00:55:25,968
Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of
their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.
769
00:55:28,103 --> 00:55:30,938
Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb
on the Kamikazes.
770
00:55:31,022 --> 00:55:34,605
I don't know how they can play
in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
771
00:55:34,692 --> 00:55:36,068
Peekaboo.
772
00:55:36,319 --> 00:55:39,355
White Goodman, employing
his patented peekaboo-style attack,
773
00:55:39,447 --> 00:55:42,898
tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo.
774
00:55:44,535 --> 00:55:47,739
Is he gonna feel it tomorrow?
Right in his beak.
775
00:55:47,830 --> 00:55:52,788
A relentless Globo Gym attack led by
their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.
776
00:55:52,877 --> 00:55:55,961
It's gotta be the hair. It's beautiful.
777
00:55:56,047 --> 00:56:00,507
Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.
778
00:56:01,719 --> 00:56:07,722
Globo Gym says, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto",
and breezes into the semifinals.
779
00:56:09,977 --> 00:56:13,642
Skillz That Killz, ready?
Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball.
780
00:56:13,731 --> 00:56:17,146
Average Joe's planning
to playa hate Skillz That Killz,
781
00:56:17,234 --> 00:56:19,642
the inner-city champs for five years straight.
782
00:56:19,737 --> 00:56:24,445
Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing more dancing than dodgeballing.
783
00:56:24,533 --> 00:56:28,116
They better check themselves
before they wreck themselves.
784
00:56:28,203 --> 00:56:33,410
Right you are, partner.
Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.
785
00:56:34,251 --> 00:56:36,955
Winner. Average Joe's.
786
00:56:37,045 --> 00:56:41,956
And Average Joe's, not blinded by the
bling-bling, advances to the semifinal.
787
00:56:44,469 --> 00:56:49,095
Globo Gym's making mincemeat
of the Las Vegas Police Department.
788
00:56:49,182 --> 00:56:50,925
That's gotta hurt.
789
00:56:53,061 --> 00:56:54,970
B-b-b-bull's-eye.
790
00:56:55,063 --> 00:56:57,388
Winner. Globo Gym.
791
00:56:57,482 --> 00:57:02,559
Sportsmanship be darned.
Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,
792
00:57:02,654 --> 00:57:05,227
and they're going to the finals.
793
00:57:07,742 --> 00:57:12,036
The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.
794
00:57:12,121 --> 00:57:17,495
Itjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner
of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.
795
00:57:17,585 --> 00:57:19,661
Right in the testicles.
796
00:57:19,754 --> 00:57:22,291
Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro.
797
00:57:22,381 --> 00:57:25,548
Average Joe's down to their final two players.
798
00:57:26,844 --> 00:57:29,086
La Fleur can't hold on.
He's gotta sit down.
799
00:57:29,179 --> 00:57:32,180
- Time out. Gordy.
- Time out. Time out.
800
00:57:32,808 --> 00:57:34,219
Time. Time is out.
801
00:57:34,309 --> 00:57:38,307
It looks like the clock is about to
strike midnight on this Cinderella story,
802
00:57:38,397 --> 00:57:41,102
turning Average Joe's
into the proverbial pumpkin.
803
00:57:41,191 --> 00:57:43,682
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
804
00:57:45,112 --> 00:57:48,646
You won't hit 'em. They're too good,
and you suck somethin' awful.
805
00:57:48,740 --> 00:57:52,405
- Yes, sir. I do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry.
806
00:57:52,494 --> 00:57:56,194
- Roger that. OK.
- All right. Hands in.
807
00:57:56,289 --> 00:57:58,697
- One, two, three.
- Joe's.
808
00:57:59,542 --> 00:58:02,627
You gotta get angry. Get angry now.
809
00:58:02,712 --> 00:58:07,458
Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars.
It's all over but the crying.
810
00:58:07,550 --> 00:58:11,085
Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye.
811
00:58:24,358 --> 00:58:27,810
- Dodgeball.
- Let the dodgeball slaughter begin.
812
00:58:27,904 --> 00:58:29,813
Good deflection there.
813
00:58:29,906 --> 00:58:32,147
Hang on. And another one.
814
00:58:32,241 --> 00:58:34,814
Three balls at once. Who knew?
815
00:58:35,327 --> 00:58:37,865
Four on one.
Pibb won't go down without a fight.
816
00:58:37,955 --> 00:58:40,363
That's it.
817
00:58:40,458 --> 00:58:43,577
- You're kidding me.
- He's callin' 'em out.
818
00:58:44,420 --> 00:58:46,496
Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?
819
00:58:46,589 --> 00:58:51,500
- Go, you crazy son of a bitch. Go.
- He's on the warpath.
820
00:58:53,637 --> 00:58:56,258
Incredible. It's one on one.
821
00:58:56,348 --> 00:59:00,180
- I can't believe it.
- It's just not believable, Cotton.
822
00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:09,391
Winner.
823
00:59:09,736 --> 00:59:12,939
Average Joe's wins.
824
00:59:13,031 --> 00:59:18,108
They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000.
825
00:59:18,203 --> 00:59:22,070
- That'll buy one heck of a pumpkin.
- Right you are, Pep.
826
00:59:22,165 --> 00:59:24,656
I never would have dreamed it possible.
827
00:59:24,751 --> 00:59:29,377
But with seven-time ADAA All-Star
Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,
828
00:59:29,464 --> 00:59:32,299
I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.
829
00:59:36,346 --> 00:59:40,426
Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards.
830
00:59:40,516 --> 00:59:41,298
Yeah.
831
00:59:41,392 --> 00:59:45,935
- You really think we can beat Globo Gym?
- As long as we got Patches, we got a shot.
832
00:59:52,945 --> 00:59:54,190
My God.
833
00:59:55,114 --> 00:59:59,112
Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.
834
00:59:59,201 --> 01:00:02,617
- What?
- What are we gonna do without Patches?
835
01:00:02,705 --> 01:00:04,863
We're gonna get our taints handed to us.
836
01:00:04,957 --> 01:00:08,041
- What's a taint?
- I dunno. Sounds bad.
837
01:00:09,253 --> 01:00:12,538
Maybe you should
go say something to the guys.
838
01:00:12,631 --> 01:00:13,794
Yeah.
839
01:00:13,882 --> 01:00:20,501
They don't make a "sorry your coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.
840
01:00:22,057 --> 01:00:24,630
I'll be right back.
841
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:36,862
What?
842
01:00:36,946 --> 01:00:42,154
We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico
City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.
843
01:00:44,329 --> 01:00:47,780
Me'Shell was having some digestive
problems. I hope you don't mind.
844
01:00:47,874 --> 01:00:50,163
Will you shut that?
845
01:00:50,251 --> 01:00:52,920
For all of us, baby.
846
01:00:55,590 --> 01:01:01,426
So that's the deal. I give you $100,000,
you sign over the deed to your gym.
847
01:01:01,512 --> 01:01:03,256
Period.
848
01:01:03,347 --> 01:01:05,506
End o'story.
849
01:01:05,600 --> 01:01:10,938
You really think you can come here and buy
me out, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
850
01:01:11,021 --> 01:01:16,645
Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought I'd think that I thought I was once.
851
01:01:16,735 --> 01:01:19,939
Look, Peter, I know what it's like.
852
01:01:20,030 --> 01:01:24,657
Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth,
we're really pretty much the same guy.
853
01:01:24,743 --> 01:01:28,444
We're both leaders. And I like
what you've done with the gym over there.
854
01:01:28,539 --> 01:01:33,450
I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK,
but that's OK" thing you got going.
855
01:01:33,544 --> 01:01:36,877
"You can be fat as long as
you're happy inside." It works.
856
01:01:36,964 --> 01:01:40,415
And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.
857
01:01:40,509 --> 01:01:42,501
You're their Fonzie, Pete.
858
01:01:42,594 --> 01:01:44,883
"Hey." Right?
859
01:01:46,973 --> 01:01:52,560
But do you really think it's fair for them
to put all that pressure on you? All the time?
860
01:01:53,521 --> 01:01:56,855
Looking to you to solve their every problem?
861
01:01:56,941 --> 01:01:58,566
I mean, come on.
862
01:01:58,651 --> 01:02:02,815
I know you. You know you.
863
01:02:02,906 --> 01:02:05,942
And I know you know that I know you.
864
01:02:06,034 --> 01:02:08,525
You're heading for a fall, Pete.
865
01:02:08,619 --> 01:02:12,119
Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close.
866
01:02:12,206 --> 01:02:16,370
And when it does, they're gonna blame you.
867
01:02:17,962 --> 01:02:21,960
I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000,
except maybe in the movies.
868
01:02:22,049 --> 01:02:25,964
But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.
869
01:02:28,973 --> 01:02:33,101
Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.
870
01:02:34,895 --> 01:02:36,722
Take the money.
871
01:02:37,439 --> 01:02:42,315
Invest it in something.
Give it to charity, I don't care.
872
01:02:49,201 --> 01:02:51,359
Just sign the contract.
873
01:02:56,792 --> 01:02:59,792
Come on, guys. We got Peter.
874
01:02:59,878 --> 01:03:04,041
And they got guys named Laser and Blazer
and Taser, and all kinds of asers.
875
01:03:04,132 --> 01:03:07,667
Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.
876
01:03:08,803 --> 01:03:10,962
Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri.
877
01:03:11,056 --> 01:03:13,629
- Thanks, Ms Veatch.
- Nothing for me.
878
01:03:13,725 --> 01:03:17,972
- Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter.
- Let's not talk about tomorrow.
879
01:03:18,062 --> 01:03:21,562
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. It's a little complicated.
880
01:03:21,649 --> 01:03:24,816
- But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah. Come on, tell us.
881
01:03:24,902 --> 01:03:26,147
What's the plan?
882
01:03:26,237 --> 01:03:29,487
What do you guys want from me?
I don't have a plan for you.
883
01:03:29,574 --> 01:03:33,785
We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow
and we're probably gonna lose.
884
01:03:33,870 --> 01:03:39,540
It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that
through your head, the easier this will all be.
885
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:43,533
Jesus Christ.
886
01:03:44,004 --> 01:03:46,163
He didn't mean that.
887
01:03:46,257 --> 01:03:50,504
- Is he being serious?
- He's probably just stressed out.
888
01:03:50,594 --> 01:03:53,465
I've never seen him like that.
889
01:03:55,557 --> 01:03:59,389
Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter...
890
01:03:59,478 --> 01:04:02,051
You are not a pirate.
891
01:04:09,738 --> 01:04:14,400
OK, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow, right?
892
01:04:22,042 --> 01:04:23,915
Dwight...
893
01:04:24,002 --> 01:04:29,043
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink...
894
01:04:29,132 --> 01:04:30,923
in the bathroom.
895
01:04:31,009 --> 01:04:33,630
Whatever you do, wash your hands.
896
01:04:44,022 --> 01:04:46,691
Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if...
897
01:04:46,774 --> 01:04:49,312
You are the one who stares at me.
898
01:04:49,402 --> 01:04:51,774
Why is this?
899
01:04:51,863 --> 01:04:56,489
Because I think you're
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
900
01:05:02,873 --> 01:05:05,281
Watch it, freak.
901
01:05:18,013 --> 01:05:20,421
Go back to Treasure Island.
902
01:05:20,516 --> 01:05:22,971
Fag.
903
01:05:23,060 --> 01:05:25,136
Screw you.
904
01:05:37,449 --> 01:05:41,316
Katie, bar the door.
It's time for the championship match
905
01:05:41,411 --> 01:05:43,819
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
906
01:05:43,913 --> 01:05:47,958
We've seen it all here, folks.
Grit, determination, incontinence.
907
01:05:48,042 --> 01:05:50,616
And it's all come down to this -
a Cinderella story.
908
01:05:50,712 --> 01:05:55,504
Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to
drive their vorpal blade snicker-snack
909
01:05:55,592 --> 01:05:59,636
into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky
that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras,
910
01:05:59,721 --> 01:06:03,552
and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.
911
01:06:03,641 --> 01:06:07,769
Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for.
912
01:06:07,854 --> 01:06:11,685
A David-and-Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.
913
01:06:11,774 --> 01:06:15,902
The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
914
01:06:18,614 --> 01:06:20,322
Peter?
915
01:06:22,660 --> 01:06:24,284
Peter?
916
01:06:24,370 --> 01:06:26,943
Hello?
917
01:06:27,039 --> 01:06:28,367
Peter?
918
01:06:28,457 --> 01:06:31,292
Come on, everybody headed down...
919
01:06:40,802 --> 01:06:42,712
So what happens on a double fault?
920
01:06:42,804 --> 01:06:48,178
On a double fault you go to sudden-death
elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113-D.
921
01:06:48,268 --> 01:06:51,020
- Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up.
922
01:06:55,025 --> 01:06:56,435
Justin.
923
01:06:56,526 --> 01:07:00,690
- I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Really? I mean, why? What's up?
924
01:07:00,780 --> 01:07:04,944
Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.
925
01:07:05,034 --> 01:07:06,493
My God, that's awful.
926
01:07:06,578 --> 01:07:10,160
We were the centre Kewpie. With no
centre Kewpie we can't do our routine.
927
01:07:10,248 --> 01:07:13,284
- No. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.
928
01:07:13,376 --> 01:07:15,036
What?
929
01:07:15,128 --> 01:07:17,204
No, no, no, no, no. I can't.
930
01:07:17,296 --> 01:07:21,164
Please. You are the only one in Las Vegas
who knows our routine.
931
01:07:21,259 --> 01:07:26,845
- The dodgeball championship's at noon.
- You'll be back in time. I promise.
932
01:07:29,892 --> 01:07:31,552
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes.
933
01:07:31,644 --> 01:07:33,767
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No. No time.
934
01:07:33,854 --> 01:07:35,514
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No time.
935
01:07:37,399 --> 01:07:42,394
Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today.
No one is giving them much of a chance.
936
01:07:42,488 --> 01:07:44,315
What do you think, Pep?
937
01:07:44,406 --> 01:07:46,565
I spoke to White Goodman before the match
938
01:07:46,659 --> 01:07:51,783
and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.
939
01:07:51,872 --> 01:07:55,288
Right. And the stage is set for
Darwin's cruellest play to unfold.
940
01:07:55,375 --> 01:07:59,159
So don't go anywhere, folks.
The Schadenfreude is about to begin.
941
01:07:59,254 --> 01:08:03,583
- I don't understand. Why would Peter leave?
- He knows we're gonna get killed.
942
01:08:03,675 --> 01:08:08,966
Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter
left, but we can do this without him.
943
01:08:09,055 --> 01:08:12,259
We just have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.
944
01:08:12,350 --> 01:08:15,766
- OK, yeah.
- Great. But we'll still be two players short.
945
01:08:15,854 --> 01:08:19,982
We're still missing the teenage love-puppy
and Steve the Pirate.
946
01:08:20,066 --> 01:08:22,522
Who's Steve the Pirate?
947
01:08:22,610 --> 01:08:26,478
The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.
948
01:08:26,573 --> 01:08:30,736
Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?
949
01:08:32,328 --> 01:08:40,074
And now, let's hear it for the West Davenport
High School Charging Donkeys.
950
01:08:40,169 --> 01:08:42,245
Donkeys.
951
01:09:06,862 --> 01:09:08,487
Go, Donkeys.
952
01:09:11,325 --> 01:09:14,361
- We did it.
- Holy cow. My God.
953
01:09:14,453 --> 01:09:17,822
- It was perfect. You were perfect.
- God, I gotta go.
954
01:09:17,914 --> 01:09:20,203
Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy?
955
01:09:20,292 --> 01:09:23,079
I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win.
956
01:09:39,811 --> 01:09:42,302
Now I'm going.
957
01:09:47,318 --> 01:09:52,064
Here come the Purple Cobras,
led by White Goodman. All business.
958
01:09:52,156 --> 01:09:55,739
We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.
They haven't made it to the court.
959
01:09:55,827 --> 01:09:59,361
It could be a psychological ploy,
or something worse.
960
01:09:59,455 --> 01:10:03,868
They're definitely not on the court, Cotton.
Their absence is noticeable.
961
01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:08,752
We'll be right back
after these words from our sponsors...
962
01:10:10,424 --> 01:10:12,749
Can I get a bottle of water?
963
01:10:15,262 --> 01:10:17,587
Aren't you Peter La Fleur?
964
01:10:18,641 --> 01:10:22,389
- Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
965
01:10:22,478 --> 01:10:26,345
- Really?
- Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball.
966
01:10:26,440 --> 01:10:31,434
I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.
967
01:10:32,070 --> 01:10:35,486
I think you better hurry up
or you're gonna be late.
968
01:10:35,574 --> 01:10:40,070
- Actually, I decided to quit, Lance.
- Quit?
969
01:10:40,912 --> 01:10:47,033
Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain,
lung and testicular cancer at the same time.
970
01:10:47,752 --> 01:10:50,539
But with the support of my friends
I got back on the bike
971
01:10:50,630 --> 01:10:53,335
and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.
972
01:10:53,425 --> 01:10:57,469
But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.
973
01:10:57,554 --> 01:11:01,088
What are you dying from
that's keepin' you from the finals?
974
01:11:01,182 --> 01:11:05,394
Right now, it feels a little bit like shame.
975
01:11:05,478 --> 01:11:11,314
If people never quit when the going got tough
they'd have nothing to regret all their lives.
976
01:11:11,401 --> 01:11:16,395
Good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.
977
01:11:22,870 --> 01:11:26,950
Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy."
978
01:11:27,041 --> 01:11:31,252
- No. Not ringing any bells.
- Forget it, man.
979
01:11:31,337 --> 01:11:35,630
We'll play with four people. It's not
an advantage. Can't you bend the rules?
980
01:11:35,716 --> 01:11:40,093
There's nothing I can do. Rules are rules.
You don't have enough players.
981
01:11:40,179 --> 01:11:44,223
Inform the committee and Mr Goodman
about Average Joe's forfeit.
982
01:11:44,308 --> 01:11:47,593
- Yes, sir.
- Better luck next year.
983
01:11:49,271 --> 01:11:50,848
Excuse me.
984
01:11:50,939 --> 01:11:54,390
Sorry I'm late. You won't believe
whatjust happened. Hey, guys.
985
01:11:54,484 --> 01:11:57,271
You're just in time to help us forfeit.
986
01:11:57,362 --> 01:11:59,438
Forfeit? Why?
987
01:12:01,324 --> 01:12:04,527
Well, I don't know what to tell you, but...
988
01:12:04,619 --> 01:12:08,664
Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough players
989
01:12:08,748 --> 01:12:11,702
and will be forfeiting
the championship match.
990
01:12:11,793 --> 01:12:14,877
It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
991
01:12:14,963 --> 01:12:20,668
To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre
presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor.
992
01:12:20,760 --> 01:12:24,544
Ladies and gentlemen,
by the power vested in me
993
01:12:24,639 --> 01:12:29,881
by our governing body, the American
Dodgeball Association of America,
994
01:12:29,977 --> 01:12:34,686
and in concurrence with our sponsors,
Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks,
995
01:12:34,774 --> 01:12:36,932
it gives me great pleasure
996
01:12:37,026 --> 01:12:41,937
to declare the winner of this year's
Las Vegas International Tournament to be...
997
01:12:42,031 --> 01:12:44,273
Wait. He's here.
998
01:12:48,746 --> 01:12:51,533
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
999
01:12:51,624 --> 01:12:53,746
We're ready to play, Your Honour.
1000
01:12:53,834 --> 01:12:58,792
Too late. Your lovable band of losers already
forfeited. The trophy and money are mine.
1001
01:12:58,881 --> 01:13:02,380
He's right. The team already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.
1002
01:13:02,468 --> 01:13:05,137
Facial, La Fleur. Total facial.
1003
01:13:06,305 --> 01:13:08,178
Actually, that's not true.
1004
01:13:08,265 --> 01:13:12,559
The committee can overrule the chancellor -
that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote.
1005
01:13:12,644 --> 01:13:14,969
He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.
1006
01:13:17,149 --> 01:13:19,770
- It's a bylaw.
- What's a bylaw?
1007
01:13:20,777 --> 01:13:24,360
- Hang on a second here, folks.
- Let them play.
1008
01:13:24,447 --> 01:13:28,362
We mightjust have a championship game yet.
1009
01:13:28,451 --> 01:13:31,536
Listen to this crowd.
1010
01:13:31,621 --> 01:13:33,827
Unbelievable.
1011
01:13:33,915 --> 01:13:39,253
Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but
the committee members have the final say.
1012
01:13:39,337 --> 01:13:42,587
And it looks like they've come to a decision.
1013
01:13:42,674 --> 01:13:45,461
Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play.
1014
01:13:45,551 --> 01:13:48,967
- There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's.
- Please.
1015
01:13:49,055 --> 01:13:52,258
- Let's see how our second judge votes.
- Thank you.
1016
01:13:52,350 --> 01:13:59,515
Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their
fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.
1017
01:13:59,607 --> 01:14:03,106
Thumbs up. Average Joe's can play.
1018
01:14:03,194 --> 01:14:06,479
That is pure poppycock.
You're gonna let them do that?
1019
01:14:06,572 --> 01:14:10,071
- Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.
1020
01:14:11,869 --> 01:14:15,534
All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match.
1021
01:14:15,622 --> 01:14:17,698
Good luck, White.
1022
01:14:19,209 --> 01:14:22,412
Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur.
1023
01:14:22,504 --> 01:14:25,955
Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.
1024
01:14:26,049 --> 01:14:28,125
Whatever.
1025
01:14:30,095 --> 01:14:33,298
- Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
1026
01:14:33,390 --> 01:14:36,307
What? I got a plan.
1027
01:14:38,228 --> 01:14:44,266
Let's play smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover
closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto?
1028
01:14:44,359 --> 01:14:46,565
- "Aim low".
- That's right.
1029
01:14:46,653 --> 01:14:49,654
All I'm asking is that
you give it your best for Patches.
1030
01:14:49,739 --> 01:14:54,033
I say we go out there, let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.
1031
01:14:54,118 --> 01:14:56,788
I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
1032
01:14:56,871 --> 01:15:00,916
- Put 'em in. One, two, three.
- Joe's.
1033
01:15:24,565 --> 01:15:26,854
Globo Gym, ready?
1034
01:15:26,942 --> 01:15:29,860
Average Joe's, ready?
1035
01:15:32,156 --> 01:15:33,151
Dodgeball.
1036
01:15:33,240 --> 01:15:38,696
Championship match is under way.
Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath.
1037
01:15:39,997 --> 01:15:42,748
Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.
1038
01:15:44,084 --> 01:15:47,334
White Goodman's hit,
but that ball's up for grabs. And...
1039
01:15:47,421 --> 01:15:49,378
- It's caught.
- That's a catch.
1040
01:15:49,464 --> 01:15:53,047
- You're out, La Fleur.
- Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down.
1041
01:15:53,134 --> 01:15:56,385
And Joe's has lost
their two best players early.
1042
01:15:56,763 --> 01:15:58,921
Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard.
1043
01:15:59,015 --> 01:16:01,685
Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome.
1044
01:16:01,768 --> 01:16:03,760
You're mine next time.
1045
01:16:07,106 --> 01:16:12,101
Right in the tokus.
2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating.
1046
01:16:16,157 --> 01:16:18,613
- Hi.
- Hey.
1047
01:16:20,495 --> 01:16:23,282
- You're out.
- I don't know what that was,
1048
01:16:23,372 --> 01:16:28,165
but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.
1049
01:16:28,252 --> 01:16:31,288
Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three.
1050
01:16:31,380 --> 01:16:33,005
Get out.
1051
01:16:33,090 --> 01:16:35,462
Gordo. Lose your temper. Get mad.
1052
01:16:37,428 --> 01:16:41,591
White Goodman with a catch. Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.
1053
01:16:41,682 --> 01:16:43,473
You're out, four-eyes.
1054
01:16:43,559 --> 01:16:48,019
Well, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest
member. He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.
1055
01:16:48,105 --> 01:16:49,813
Word, Cotton.
1056
01:16:49,898 --> 01:16:55,272
Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid
mongoose wouldn't have a chance now.
1057
01:16:55,362 --> 01:16:58,114
- Nice dodge.
- Stay alive. Stay alive.
1058
01:17:00,200 --> 01:17:02,608
They're just toying with the young man now.
1059
01:17:02,703 --> 01:17:05,656
He's gotta avoid getting hit. That's the key.
1060
01:17:05,747 --> 01:17:07,574
Justin, let's go.
1061
01:17:08,792 --> 01:17:10,334
What a great catch.
1062
01:17:10,418 --> 01:17:13,787
And another.
Peter La Fleur comes back into the game.
1063
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:17,925
Just like that, a three-player swing.
Joe's isn't done yet.
1064
01:17:18,009 --> 01:17:19,634
Justin.
1065
01:17:19,719 --> 01:17:22,293
I love you.
1066
01:17:22,388 --> 01:17:24,298
I love you t...
1067
01:17:25,016 --> 01:17:27,056
Joanie loves Chachi.
1068
01:17:27,143 --> 01:17:30,892
Two players left on each side.
What a match. What a sport.
1069
01:17:31,522 --> 01:17:37,228
Throw out the rule book, folks,
it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball.
1070
01:17:38,946 --> 01:17:42,778
Look out. La Fleur goes down -
he's a sitting duck.
1071
01:17:47,872 --> 01:17:54,040
How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the
bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice.
1072
01:17:54,128 --> 01:17:59,086
As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.
1073
01:17:59,883 --> 01:18:02,553
A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.
1074
01:18:02,636 --> 01:18:07,345
- That's court misconduct. That's a warning.
- Come on. Gimme a break.
1075
01:18:08,475 --> 01:18:10,017
- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
1076
01:18:10,102 --> 01:18:12,593
- Jesus. Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
1077
01:18:12,688 --> 01:18:15,854
- It was an accident. I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.
1078
01:18:15,941 --> 01:18:18,977
We're sweating like greased monkeys.
I can't hold on to a ball.
1079
01:18:19,069 --> 01:18:22,319
Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You gotta get off the court.
1080
01:18:22,406 --> 01:18:24,197
Watch him, man.
1081
01:18:24,282 --> 01:18:26,608
- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?
1082
01:18:26,701 --> 01:18:28,493
Kick his ass.
1083
01:18:29,079 --> 01:18:32,245
- Here's the restart.
- Players, to your positions.
1084
01:18:32,332 --> 01:18:36,828
Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a m�nage � trois of pain.
1085
01:18:36,920 --> 01:18:40,668
Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.
1086
01:18:42,634 --> 01:18:46,382
You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.
1087
01:18:46,471 --> 01:18:48,796
Ready? Dodgeball.
1088
01:18:48,890 --> 01:18:54,015
It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks.
Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot.
1089
01:18:57,481 --> 01:19:00,019
He gets the elimination.
1090
01:19:01,235 --> 01:19:06,989
My. Globo Gym wins.
A Cinderella story cast asunder.
1091
01:19:07,074 --> 01:19:11,202
Average Joe's has come all this way
for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
1092
01:19:11,287 --> 01:19:14,038
They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.
1093
01:19:15,207 --> 01:19:19,335
No elimination. Double fault.
You stepped over the line on the throw.
1094
01:19:19,420 --> 01:19:23,464
What? You gotta be out of your mind.
That is the worst call I've ever seen.
1095
01:19:23,549 --> 01:19:27,926
I'm out here busting my butt and you come in
with a bush-league call like that? Bullcrap.
1096
01:19:28,011 --> 01:19:33,053
ADAA Continuation Rule 113-D, sir.
Sudden death.
1097
01:19:33,141 --> 01:19:34,600
All right. Bring it.
1098
01:19:34,685 --> 01:19:38,136
I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death.
1099
01:19:38,230 --> 01:19:39,973
Well, let me tell you,
1100
01:19:40,065 --> 01:19:45,901
a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't
occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919,
1101
01:19:45,987 --> 01:19:48,739
and I think we all remember
how that turned out.
1102
01:19:48,823 --> 01:19:55,490
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest
happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball.
1103
01:19:55,580 --> 01:19:57,988
Pepper needs new shorts.
1104
01:20:00,001 --> 01:20:03,251
White, Peter, this is sudden death.
1105
01:20:03,713 --> 01:20:09,300
Only striking an opposing player eliminates
them. Catching the ball does nothing.
1106
01:20:09,385 --> 01:20:13,383
Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.
1107
01:20:13,473 --> 01:20:18,181
You may throw any time after my call.
Understood?
1108
01:20:19,103 --> 01:20:22,935
OK. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.
1109
01:20:23,441 --> 01:20:26,358
This is it, La Loser.
1110
01:20:27,820 --> 01:20:31,520
You ready for the hurricane?
1111
01:20:32,616 --> 01:20:36,365
Just don't go cryin' to mama when
I spank you in front of all these people.
1112
01:20:37,538 --> 01:20:42,579
You don't go crying to your daddy
after I wipe it up with your face.
1113
01:20:44,211 --> 01:20:47,128
- White?
- Yeah?
1114
01:20:47,214 --> 01:20:51,840
- You look awful fat in those pants.
- Players, to your positions.
1115
01:20:51,927 --> 01:20:55,711
This is about gamesmanship.
Throw early and you're defenceless.
1116
01:20:55,806 --> 01:21:01,891
Throw late and you're eliminated.
Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.
1117
01:21:01,978 --> 01:21:05,098
This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.
1118
01:21:05,190 --> 01:21:08,274
Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A.
1119
01:21:10,111 --> 01:21:12,187
Come on, talk to me.
1120
01:21:13,782 --> 01:21:16,023
Listen up, crotch stain.
1121
01:21:16,117 --> 01:21:20,494
Remember your training
and trust your instincts.
1122
01:21:20,580 --> 01:21:23,367
You can do it. I believe in you.
1123
01:21:26,294 --> 01:21:28,085
Bye-bye.
1124
01:21:28,171 --> 01:21:29,202
Right.
1125
01:21:29,297 --> 01:21:32,214
Players, turn and step in.
1126
01:21:47,982 --> 01:21:50,555
What the hell's he doing?
1127
01:21:50,651 --> 01:21:53,272
I don't know.
1128
01:21:55,406 --> 01:21:56,651
Get a load of this guy.
1129
01:21:56,740 --> 01:22:00,524
In 23 years of broadcasting
I thought I'd seen it all, folks.
1130
01:22:00,619 --> 01:22:04,533
But it looks like Peter La Fleur
has actually blindfolded himself.
1131
01:22:04,623 --> 01:22:07,410
He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
1132
01:22:16,968 --> 01:22:19,542
Ready?
1133
01:22:24,351 --> 01:22:26,806
Dodgeball.
1134
01:22:32,817 --> 01:22:35,106
Goodbye, Peter.
1135
01:22:35,194 --> 01:22:38,030
I always knew you were weak.
1136
01:22:41,534 --> 01:22:44,321
Air Goodman, comin' at ya.
1137
01:22:52,169 --> 01:22:55,289
Down goes Goodman.
Down goes Goodman.
1138
01:22:55,381 --> 01:22:58,714
Winner. Average Joe's.
1139
01:23:02,179 --> 01:23:05,880
Do you believe in unlikelihoods?
1140
01:23:05,975 --> 01:23:09,225
Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world
1141
01:23:09,311 --> 01:23:13,523
and upsetting Globo Gym
in the championship match.
1142
01:23:13,607 --> 01:23:14,982
Unbelievable.
1143
01:23:15,067 --> 01:23:19,527
I have been to the Great Wall of China.
I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt.
1144
01:23:19,613 --> 01:23:22,234
I've even witnessed a grown man
satisfy a camel.
1145
01:23:22,324 --> 01:23:24,649
But never in all my years as a sportscaster
1146
01:23:24,743 --> 01:23:29,903
have I witnessed something as improbable,
as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.
1147
01:23:29,998 --> 01:23:34,790
The little team that could, Average Joe's
Gymnasium, underdogs throughout,
1148
01:23:34,878 --> 01:23:39,753
stand before us, aglow,
as true dodgeball champions.
1149
01:23:39,841 --> 01:23:44,503
On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America,
1150
01:23:44,596 --> 01:23:49,092
it is my honour to present to you
this cheque for $50,000.
1151
01:23:55,356 --> 01:23:58,441
What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.
1152
01:23:58,526 --> 01:24:03,022
You signed your gym over to me last night,
remember? You lost, I won.
1153
01:24:03,114 --> 01:24:05,272
Suck failure, freaks.
1154
01:24:05,366 --> 01:24:08,616
Peter, is that true?
1155
01:24:08,703 --> 01:24:10,695
Yeah, it's true.
1156
01:24:10,788 --> 01:24:14,121
It's true I sold Average Joe's to White.
1157
01:24:14,208 --> 01:24:16,664
It's true that every man has his price.
1158
01:24:16,752 --> 01:24:21,747
And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.
1159
01:24:21,840 --> 01:24:26,218
- Now he's a philosophiser.
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.
1160
01:24:27,346 --> 01:24:29,753
Your winnings, Mr La Fleur.
Congratulations.
1161
01:24:29,848 --> 01:24:33,893
- Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you.
- What is that? What winnings?
1162
01:24:33,977 --> 01:24:38,639
Gosh, I totally forgot to tell you. I took the
$100,000 bribe that you gave me last night,
1163
01:24:38,732 --> 01:24:41,816
and I put it on us to win.
We were going off at 50-1.
1164
01:24:41,902 --> 01:24:45,318
Anyone? Top of your head?
What's 50 times $100,000?
1165
01:24:45,405 --> 01:24:46,816
$50,000?
1166
01:24:46,907 --> 01:24:50,987
$5 million. Peter, are you kidding me?
1167
01:24:51,077 --> 01:24:53,236
Surprise.
1168
01:24:56,541 --> 01:25:01,666
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell
you your gym back for all King Midas's silver.
1169
01:25:01,755 --> 01:25:06,630
The gym is mine. So you can take your band
of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here.
1170
01:25:06,718 --> 01:25:09,672
You're right. I can't make you
sell Average Joe's to me.
1171
01:25:09,762 --> 01:25:13,594
So I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.
1172
01:25:13,683 --> 01:25:17,930
- Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
- That's preposterous. I'd never allow it.
1173
01:25:18,020 --> 01:25:21,804
Globo Gym is a publicly traded company.
There's nothing you can do about it.
1174
01:25:21,899 --> 01:25:27,356
So I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns,
1175
01:25:27,446 --> 01:25:31,610
which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym.
1176
01:25:32,993 --> 01:25:34,452
I'm your new boss, White.
1177
01:25:34,537 --> 01:25:37,952
You can't be my boss. Nobody can.
I'm my own boss. I created myself.
1178
01:25:38,040 --> 01:25:41,243
- You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me.
1179
01:25:41,794 --> 01:25:44,878
You're going down, La Fleur,
like a sweet muffin.
1180
01:25:44,963 --> 01:25:48,582
- Another time, another time.
- You suck, La Fleur.
1181
01:25:50,469 --> 01:25:52,545
Give me that.
1182
01:25:55,432 --> 01:25:58,005
Man, the blindfold was crazy.
1183
01:25:59,519 --> 01:26:02,141
Peter.
1184
01:26:02,230 --> 01:26:04,804
Look. It's Steve the Pirate.
1185
01:26:08,445 --> 01:26:13,652
I just wanted to tell you
that I thought about what you said, and
1186
01:26:14,701 --> 01:26:17,026
I guess you're right.
1187
01:26:17,120 --> 01:26:19,492
I'm not really a pirate.
1188
01:26:20,832 --> 01:26:23,405
I don't know, Steve.
1189
01:26:23,501 --> 01:26:25,707
If you're not a pirate,
1190
01:26:25,795 --> 01:26:29,662
who the hell am I gonna split
all that buried treasure with?
1191
01:26:34,804 --> 01:26:36,678
Peter...
1192
01:26:36,764 --> 01:26:38,638
Gar, Steve.
1193
01:26:44,188 --> 01:26:45,848
We missed you.
1194
01:26:48,859 --> 01:26:50,519
Hey, you.
1195
01:26:50,611 --> 01:26:52,687
Hey, you.
1196
01:26:54,406 --> 01:26:56,446
- Joyce?
- Kate.
1197
01:26:56,909 --> 01:27:01,369
- I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an early flight. I wouldn't miss this.
1198
01:27:01,455 --> 01:27:03,744
You are amazing.
1199
01:27:07,419 --> 01:27:11,998
- I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.
1200
01:27:12,507 --> 01:27:15,627
Hey. I'm not a lesbian.
1201
01:27:15,719 --> 01:27:17,379
You're not?
1202
01:27:17,471 --> 01:27:19,013
No.
1203
01:27:19,097 --> 01:27:21,553
I'm bisexual.
1204
01:27:23,185 --> 01:27:25,094
Snap.
1205
01:27:25,687 --> 01:27:29,186
All right, everybody. Smile big.
1206
01:27:34,070 --> 01:27:37,984
Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur,
owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym.
1207
01:27:38,074 --> 01:27:41,739
I'm here to tell you
you're perfectjust the way you are.
1208
01:27:41,828 --> 01:27:47,533
But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin'
healthier, and makin' friends in the process,
1209
01:27:47,625 --> 01:27:49,452
Joe's is the place for you.
1210
01:27:49,544 --> 01:27:52,995
Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.
1211
01:27:53,089 --> 01:27:57,964
So come on down and learn a great game the
way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
1212
01:27:58,052 --> 01:28:00,128
Right.
1213
01:28:09,647 --> 01:28:11,770
Spare me.
1214
01:28:11,857 --> 01:28:14,348
I won that tournament.
1215
01:28:17,029 --> 01:28:19,864
Fucking Chuck Norris.
1216
01:28:21,950 --> 01:28:24,026
Visiontext Subtitles:
Julie Clayton & Rob Colling
1217
01:28:24,286 --> 01:28:26,362
ENGLISH
1218
01:31:25,422 --> 01:31:28,588
Yeah. I hope you're all happy now.
1219
01:31:28,675 --> 01:31:31,213
Good guy wins, bad guy loses.
1220
01:31:31,302 --> 01:31:33,876
Big friggin' surprise.
1221
01:31:34,973 --> 01:31:36,965
I love happy endings.
1222
01:31:39,977 --> 01:31:44,355
You know, that's the problem
with the American cinema.
1223
01:31:44,440 --> 01:31:46,931
Can't handle any complexity in it, you know?
1224
01:31:47,026 --> 01:31:51,237
"Don't make me think,
I just wanna be entertained."
1225
01:31:51,322 --> 01:31:53,231
All right, fine.
1226
01:31:53,324 --> 01:31:56,989
You want a little somethin'-somethin'
for the ride home?
1227
01:31:57,078 --> 01:31:59,568
Check these boots out for size.
1228
01:32:01,415 --> 01:32:03,621
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1229
01:32:03,709 --> 01:32:05,867
And they're like, "It's better than yours"
1230
01:32:05,961 --> 01:32:07,918
Damn right, it's better than yours
1231
01:32:08,005 --> 01:32:10,674
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1232
01:32:11,717 --> 01:32:15,880
What the boys go crazy for
1233
01:32:17,222 --> 01:32:18,385
They lose their minds
1234
01:32:18,473 --> 01:32:20,846
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1235
01:32:20,934 --> 01:32:22,726
Damn right, it's better than yours
1236
01:32:22,811 --> 01:32:26,429
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1237
01:32:28,150 --> 01:32:31,234
You happy? Fatty make a funny?