1 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,504 Bum buttery, flit fluttery Dum diddly-ooh 2 00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:15,037 Bum buttery, bluebird Is singing a tune 3 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,574 Daffy-down-dillies awaken And prune 4 00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:21,679 Bursting in bloom All the flowers assume 5 00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:25,942 It's a loverly, loverly spring 6 00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:36,687 Chit-chattery chipmunks All singing along 7 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,024 Humming their Join-in-a-spring-along song 8 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,031 Spring is the springiest time For a song 9 00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:46,535 It's a loverly, loverly spring 10 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,903 In the forest we play With the rabbits all day... 11 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:55,170 I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. 12 00:01:55,615 --> 00:02:00,052 The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. 13 00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,811 If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, 14 00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:06,321 I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theater number two. 15 00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:09,188 However, if you like stories about clever 16 00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:11,590 and reasonably attractive orphans, 17 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:15,323 suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, 18 00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,527 Italian food and secret organizations, 19 00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:20,261 then stay 20 00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,667 as I retrace each and every one 21 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,845 of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. 22 00:02:26,779 --> 00:02:29,509 My name is Lemony Snicket, 23 00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:32,913 and it is my sad duty to document this tale. 24 00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,184 Violet Baudelaire, the eldest, 25 00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:40,416 was one of the finest 14-year-old inventors in the world. 26 00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:43,628 Anyone who knew Violet well could tell she was inventing something 27 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,866 when her long hair was tied up in a ribbon. 28 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:51,534 In a world of abandoned items and discarded materials, 29 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:54,763 Violet knew there was always something. 30 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,336 Something she could fashion into nearly any device 31 00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,910 for nearly every occasion. 32 00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:03,913 And no one was better to test her inventions 33 00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:05,877 than her brother. 34 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:12,119 Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child, loved books. 35 00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,020 Or, rather, the things he learned from books. 36 00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:18,786 The Baudelaire parents had an enormous library in their mansion. 37 00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:23,467 A room filled with thousands of books on nearly every subject. 38 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,499 And nothing pleased Klaus more 39 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:30,471 than spending an afternoon filling up his head with their contents. 40 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:33,371 And everything he read he remembered. 41 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:45,053 Sunny, the youngest, had a different interest. 42 00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:49,251 She liked to bite things and had four sharp teeth. 43 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,561 There was very little that Sunny did not enjoy biting. 44 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,075 Sunny was at an age when one mostly speaks 45 00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,804 in a series of unintelligible shrieks. 46 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,549 For instance: 47 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,381 Which probably meant, 48 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:16,318 "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog. " 49 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,652 Or perhaps, 50 00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:20,985 "What is a banker like Mr. Poe doing 51 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:25,163 trudging thorough the sand to find us at Briny Beach?" 52 00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,434 Children, 53 00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:35,506 I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event. 54 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:40,137 I'm very, very sorry to tell you this, but your parents have perished in a fire 55 00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,337 that's destroyed your entire home. 56 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:46,012 If you have ever lost someone very important to you, 57 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,514 then you already know how it feels. 58 00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,052 And if you haven't, 59 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,688 you cannot possibly imagine it. 60 00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:05,569 No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire. 61 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,466 My colleagues and I have investigated the best we can. 62 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,438 But all we've discovered is that the blaze 63 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,702 was started from a great distance 64 00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,879 through the refraction and convergence of light. 65 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:20,312 And within moments, the entire mansion was in flames. 66 00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,411 And as mysterious as the source of the blaze, 67 00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:55,485 other mysteries began to unfold before the children's eyes. 68 00:05:56,055 --> 00:06:00,151 Every family has its secrets, doors left unopened. 69 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,357 But as Klaus now realized, 70 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:06,589 the smallest discovery would send his mind reeling with questions. 71 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,135 What was this spyglass hidden in his father's desk? 72 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,329 Were there other secrets about their parents' lives yet to be revealed? 73 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,438 Questions he now feared might never be answered. 74 00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,271 And just like that, 75 00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:24,605 the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans. 76 00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,152 I tried to warn you. 77 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,628 This is an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theater, 78 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:44,200 living room or airplane where this film is being shown. 79 00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:48,905 It's not too late to see a film about a happy little elf. 80 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,969 Yes. Come with me. 81 00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,313 Now, as chief officer of Mulctuary Management 82 00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:00,315 and the executor of your parents' estate, 83 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,978 it is my legal obligation to take care of your money till you come of age 84 00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:07,159 and to place you in the care of your closest relative. 85 00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:10,157 So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf, 86 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:13,729 who resides right here in the city, just 37 blocks away. 87 00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,501 I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean. 88 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:18,363 We don't know a Count Olaf. 89 00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:19,868 Yes, yes, of course you do. 90 00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:21,835 He's either your third cousin four times removed 91 00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,565 or your fourth cousin three times removed. 92 00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:28,839 And he's an actor by trade. Isn't that exciting, children? 93 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,244 You should count yourselves lucky, children. 94 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,784 This sort of generosity is rare in a person of his profession. 95 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,062 Here we are, your new home. 96 00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,022 Isn't it lovely, children? 97 00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:50,365 Oh, hello. 98 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,764 You must be the Baudelaires. 99 00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,200 Hi. 100 00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,534 I was so sorry to hear about the accident, 101 00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:59,040 but so happy to hear you were coming here. 102 00:07:59,278 --> 00:08:01,542 Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss of the city high court. 103 00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:05,376 I'm Violet. And this is my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny. 104 00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,745 Poe, Mulctuary Management. How do you do? 105 00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:08,921 Lovely. 106 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,222 Your house is so beautiful. 107 00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:12,549 Thank you. 108 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:15,818 Please don't be strangers. You come visit me anytime you like. 109 00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:18,962 - Visit? - You mean, 110 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,462 you don't live with Count Olaf? 111 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,468 Live with...? With Count Olaf? No. 112 00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:27,466 No, no, no, no. He's... He's my neighbor. 113 00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:19,014 Entrood. 114 00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:30,393 Haven't got all day. In you go. 115 00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:39,505 Well, hello, hello, hello. 116 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:43,978 I am your beloved Count Olaf. 117 00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:49,653 And welcome to my loverly home. 118 00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:54,586 May you find solace within the womblike warmth of its... 119 00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,890 ...downy plume. 120 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:02,695 Or as the Greeks in the ancient times would say: 121 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,592 Orphanis... 122 00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,929 ...encribo... 123 00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,772 ...something, something, something. 124 00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:14,604 Music builds to a crescendo Ending on the right foot 125 00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:16,679 And strike a Fosse. 126 00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:23,050 Not exactly what I was going for, but you get the idea. 127 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:35,193 My dear... 128 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,403 ...Violet. 129 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,636 Enchant�. 130 00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:46,769 How do you do? 131 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,941 And this must be Klaus. 132 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:53,209 Young Klaus. 133 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,622 Your left side is the good one. 134 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,388 And... 135 00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,626 ...what is this? 136 00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:09,597 I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey. 137 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,227 Banana. 138 00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:14,996 Sunny's our sister. 139 00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:20,109 I must say, you're a gloomy-looking bunch. Why so glum? 140 00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:23,144 Our parents just died. 141 00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:27,148 Oh, yes, of course. How very, very awful. 142 00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,851 Wait, let me do that one more time. 143 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,148 Give me the line again. Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind. 144 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,754 Our parents just... 145 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,162 ...died? 146 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,863 Oh, yes. 147 00:11:44,136 --> 00:11:45,865 Mr. Poe... 148 00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:50,265 ...I will raise these orphans 149 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:53,967 as if they were actually wanted. 150 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,774 And though you would call it a burden, a sacrifice, 151 00:11:57,983 --> 00:11:59,951 you are mistaken, sir. 152 00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,119 And should be ashamed of yourself. 153 00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:03,788 The idea. 154 00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:11,021 Anyway, where do I sign for the fortu...? I mean... 155 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,826 ...children. 156 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:18,367 You won't officially have guardianship until the hearing on Thursday morning. 157 00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:21,470 And what am I to do with them until then? 158 00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:22,808 Excuse me? 159 00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:24,801 What I mean is... 160 00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:28,468 Do you work out? You look good. Healthy, I mean. 161 00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:32,083 Well, I'd better get back to the bank. 162 00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:35,481 Can't you stay for a brief imbibement? 163 00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:38,156 A glass of port? Sanka? 164 00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,257 - Well, I suppose I could... - Another time, then. 165 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,221 Children, if you need anything, do feel free... 166 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,986 Oh, no, we're fine. We're all fine. 167 00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,663 Any questions be... 168 00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,837 I realize that my humble abode 169 00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:56,371 isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, 170 00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:59,837 but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, 171 00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:01,944 and I think it'll be 172 00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:05,049 quite charming when it's finished. 173 00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,946 Shall we take a look? 174 00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:14,025 This is the living room. 175 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,389 The kitchen. I know what you're thinking: 176 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,028 "This place could use a little TLC." 177 00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:24,703 I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria. 178 00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:27,099 This is the entertainment or rumpus room. 179 00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,806 I'm told the ceiling can be brought up to code in no time. 180 00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:32,068 You're not afraid of heights, are you? 181 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,739 Lmagine that. A monkey afraid of heights. 182 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,806 My theater. 183 00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,713 This way. 184 00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,482 What's that up there? 185 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:51,062 The tower... 186 00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,330 ...which you are never to enter... 187 00:13:57,636 --> 00:14:00,503 ...under any circumstances. 188 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,076 And this is where you'll sleep, time permitting. Nighty-night. 189 00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:13,979 - But the sun's still up. - "But the sun's still up." 190 00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:16,115 I don't know if you've ever noticed this, 191 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:19,916 but first impressions are often entirely wrong. 192 00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:25,120 For instance, Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all. 193 00:14:25,731 --> 00:14:29,599 But by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were thick as thieves. 194 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:35,171 A phrase which here means, "fetching and biting for hours on end." 195 00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,168 In the case of Count Olaf, however... 196 00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:40,104 Orphans! 197 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,104 ...they were correct. 198 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:45,813 Every morning, Count Olaf would order the Baudelaires 199 00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:48,816 to do a great number of terrible chores. 200 00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:52,980 After which he would stalk off to his mysterious tower room. 201 00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:04,097 And as unfortunate as their situation seemed, 202 00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:06,168 it was only about to get worse. 203 00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:07,999 - Tub full of ice in Baja, 204 00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:10,869 and I realized that these clever girls had stolen my kidney. 205 00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:12,509 - No! - No! 206 00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:15,612 Lmagine my surprise. 207 00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:19,851 Orphans, this is my acting troupe. 208 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,110 Acting troupe, orphans. 209 00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,719 They don't look rich. 210 00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:27,552 Ugly little people. 211 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:35,199 Why aren't you children in the kitchen preparing our dinner? 212 00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:36,859 Dinner? 213 00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,593 It's the French word for the evening meal. 214 00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:46,066 On the back. Flip it. 215 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,882 We'll take it in the dining room at 8:00. 216 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,551 And we'll expect absolute silence while we're rehearsing our play. 217 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,778 - But we've never made dinner before. - It's already 7:30. 218 00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:57,956 Eight o'clock! 219 00:16:16,842 --> 00:16:18,605 Pasta it is. 220 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,577 Okay. Let's start casting this puppy. 221 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,114 Now, 222 00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:28,950 who shall play 223 00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:32,780 the most handsome count in all the world? 224 00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:39,964 Would you do it, sir? 225 00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:42,160 Oh, all right. 226 00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:45,995 "Pasta puttanesca." That's Italian for "very few ingredients," you know. 227 00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:47,499 That's great. 228 00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,035 Sunny. Little help. 229 00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:54,209 - Okay, we're gonna need a pot. - No pot. 230 00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,973 - And a strainer. - No strainer. 231 00:16:58,417 --> 00:16:59,406 Thank you. 232 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:02,847 And a saucepan. 233 00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:07,047 This is a little piece I like to call "Electric Chair." 234 00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:15,558 I think you might have to turn it up. 235 00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,163 Is anybody out there?! 236 00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,634 Strainer. That's brilliant. 237 00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:25,139 Sunny, how's that pot coming? 238 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:33,650 Sunny, that's not a pot. It's a spittoon. 239 00:17:33,919 --> 00:17:36,410 A spittoon? You mean, like...? 240 00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:39,316 We'll wash it twice. 241 00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:43,720 Well? 242 00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,894 It's good. It's really good. 243 00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,098 Time check. 244 00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:50,395 Let's go back to prehistoric times, 245 00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,933 when dinosaurs ruled the earth. 246 00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:10,244 Baudelaire orphans to the courtesy desk. 247 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,424 Baudelaire orphans to the courtesy desk. 248 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:25,994 What do you want? 249 00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,537 Dinner is served. 250 00:18:31,977 --> 00:18:33,069 Puttanesca. 251 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,776 What did you call me? 252 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,408 It's pasta. Pasta puttanesca. 253 00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:40,379 Where's the roast beef? 254 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,644 Roast beef? 255 00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:44,783 Beef. Yes. Roast beef. 256 00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,923 It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted. 257 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:53,158 But you didn't tell us you wanted roast beef. 258 00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:02,472 You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans 259 00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:05,234 who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks 260 00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:10,643 just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments. 261 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,084 But I don't care about them. 262 00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,415 I chose to open my heart 263 00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:20,154 to you two loverly children 264 00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:22,585 and your hideous primate. 265 00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:26,252 All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head 266 00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:30,595 while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind. 267 00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,469 - No. - Why, you litt... 268 00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:53,017 It's time you children learned a little respect. 269 00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,350 You put her down! 270 00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:58,722 You monster! 271 00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:04,297 You all saw it. The boy slipped. 272 00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:06,994 You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18. 273 00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,470 Oh, really? 274 00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:10,975 Says who? 275 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,700 The law. Look it up. 276 00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:15,311 We're going to call Mr. Poe about this right now. 277 00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:24,719 Are you? 278 00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:30,154 I'm very disappointed in you, children. 279 00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,266 Where were we? 280 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,333 Are you okay? 281 00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,003 No. 282 00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:44,005 Klaus, what are you doing? 283 00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:46,267 - I'm going. - Going where? 284 00:20:46,478 --> 00:20:47,740 Home. 285 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,339 This is our home now. 286 00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,447 This is not home. 287 00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:57,548 Home is where your parents put you to bed at night. 288 00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,256 Where they teach you to ride a bike. 289 00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:02,686 Or where they get all choked up on your first day of school. 290 00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:05,260 This is not home. 291 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:10,866 How could they do this to us? 292 00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:12,195 They're just bad people. 293 00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,830 Not them. Mom and Dad. 294 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,632 - Klaus! - What? 295 00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,868 Violet, you're thinking it too. How could they? 296 00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:21,772 They had no plan for us at all? 297 00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:24,141 Well, maybe they did have a plan. 298 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,907 Well, sure looks like it to me. 299 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,820 Do you remember when Mom and Dad went to Europe? 300 00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:41,993 And we thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write. 301 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,895 Then we found out they'd written a long letter. 302 00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:45,433 It had just gotten lost in the mail. 303 00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:49,129 Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them? 304 00:21:50,676 --> 00:21:51,836 This is just like that. 305 00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:54,410 No, it's not. 306 00:21:55,347 --> 00:21:56,575 Why? 307 00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:02,809 Because they're not in Europe. They're not coming back. 308 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:14,159 Do you think anything will ever feel like home again? 309 00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:29,203 "Sanctuary" 310 00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:34,816 is a word which here means, "a small, safe place in a troubling world. " 311 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:41,049 Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. 312 00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:44,057 The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they'd built together. 313 00:22:44,262 --> 00:22:45,229 I see it. I see it. 314 00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:49,799 But in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside. 315 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:53,869 A world which, I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words. 316 00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,003 Custody granted. 317 00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:02,506 Thank you, Your Honor. Nice doing business with you. 318 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:14,014 Children, I've been contemplating our situation, 319 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:19,425 and I realize that I've been a bit standoffish, shall we say. 320 00:23:19,698 --> 00:23:22,030 Which in this case is a big, big word meaning... 321 00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:23,565 Pure evil. 322 00:23:23,802 --> 00:23:26,327 - Tough, but fair. 323 00:23:26,872 --> 00:23:29,568 But now that we're family, I can make it up to you. 324 00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:32,938 I can be the ultimate dad. 325 00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:35,610 I know. Let's stop for a treat. 326 00:23:40,318 --> 00:23:41,910 Soda. Soda. Banana. 327 00:23:44,322 --> 00:23:45,516 Got it. 328 00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:09,203 Violet, where'd the locks go? 329 00:24:16,755 --> 00:24:20,486 Hello. I'm going on a perfectly innocent ride in the country 330 00:24:20,692 --> 00:24:22,990 with my kids, whom I love. 331 00:24:23,261 --> 00:24:24,888 Is that clock correct? 332 00:24:31,036 --> 00:24:32,628 What is it? 333 00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:35,732 I think it's a schedule. 334 00:24:56,228 --> 00:25:00,858 Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favorite. 335 00:25:11,977 --> 00:25:13,103 Go! 336 00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:21,445 - He took the keys. - Try everything. 337 00:25:29,828 --> 00:25:33,286 Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing... 338 00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:37,801 Count Olaf? Hello. Poe. 339 00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,971 I'm calling you back about that inheritance question you raised. 340 00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:42,969 - Mr. Poe, thank goodness. - Who is this? 341 00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:45,142 It's Violet Baudelaire. We're in Count Olaf's car. 342 00:25:45,343 --> 00:25:47,140 Oh, hello, Violet. Well, where's Count Olaf? 343 00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:48,471 He's not here right now, but... 344 00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,647 You're driving the car alone? 345 00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,646 No. We're... The car's on the train tracks, and the train is coming. 346 00:25:53,852 --> 00:25:58,312 I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing. I'm driving next to a train! 347 00:25:58,557 --> 00:26:00,821 We're going to be hit by a train. 348 00:26:01,026 --> 00:26:04,484 Right. Yes. I can't hear because of the train! 349 00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,994 I'll call you back when I get to the bank! Goodbye! 350 00:26:13,705 --> 00:26:18,335 Klaus, you've read books on trains. What do we do? 351 00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,380 The track switcher. 352 00:26:26,651 --> 00:26:27,845 There! 353 00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:32,682 It's too far away. 354 00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:35,792 No. There has to be something we can use to pull it. 355 00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,963 - There's nothing in here. - There's always something. 356 00:26:40,899 --> 00:26:42,799 Sunny, bite the head off that elf. 357 00:27:18,003 --> 00:27:19,129 Quick, pull it back in. 358 00:27:25,744 --> 00:27:27,644 - Violet. - I got it. 359 00:27:27,946 --> 00:27:29,573 I don't mean to rush you. 360 00:27:35,787 --> 00:27:37,482 - Nice shot. - Thank you. Pull. 361 00:28:38,783 --> 00:28:43,652 Mr. Poe. Dear Mr. Poe. Can't we discuss this like reasonable men? 362 00:28:43,855 --> 00:28:45,254 I'm sorry, Count Olaf. 363 00:28:45,457 --> 00:28:47,448 Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car 364 00:28:47,659 --> 00:28:48,751 is simply not good parenting. 365 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:49,984 He tried to kill us. 366 00:28:50,195 --> 00:28:53,494 Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear. 367 00:28:54,299 --> 00:28:58,998 May I have a moment alone with the children? 368 00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,107 Goodbye, kids. 369 00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,268 It's been fun. 370 00:29:07,545 --> 00:29:09,308 I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, 371 00:29:09,514 --> 00:29:12,540 no matter what you do, I'll find you. 372 00:29:12,951 --> 00:29:15,579 You are so deceased. 373 00:29:20,892 --> 00:29:22,621 Take them, Mr. Poe... 374 00:29:23,995 --> 00:29:26,293 ...before I lose it, bigtime. 375 00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:29,126 Trumping a talentless villain 376 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,563 might seem all in a day's work for three ingenious orphans. 377 00:29:32,971 --> 00:29:35,235 But the Baudelaires savored their victory 378 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,068 as they sped towards their new home. 379 00:29:38,309 --> 00:29:40,539 What lay ahead for them was unclear, 380 00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,974 but they remained cautiously optimistic 381 00:29:43,181 --> 00:29:46,207 that their next guardian would be better than the last. 382 00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:50,148 Or at least wouldn't try to flatten them with a train. 383 00:29:56,594 --> 00:29:59,722 Do you know what kind of scientist he is? 384 00:29:59,931 --> 00:30:02,491 No, I don't. I was far too busy making arrangements for you three. 385 00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:03,894 I didn't have time for chitchat. 386 00:30:04,169 --> 00:30:05,397 Hello! 387 00:30:06,104 --> 00:30:09,972 Oh, my goodness. 388 00:30:10,208 --> 00:30:13,075 Look at you. You must be Violet. 389 00:30:13,278 --> 00:30:15,473 Do you remember me? I don't suppose so. 390 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,739 You were just a little baby at the time. 391 00:30:18,016 --> 00:30:21,247 And, Klaus, we've never met. How do you d...? 392 00:30:21,886 --> 00:30:25,083 What a firm grip. Like a Burmese python. 393 00:30:25,356 --> 00:30:30,658 And Sunny. Little Sunny. You look so much like your dear mother. 394 00:30:31,129 --> 00:30:34,621 Thank you very much, Mr. Poe. I'll take it from here. 395 00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:37,097 Oh, perhaps I should come inside. 396 00:30:37,302 --> 00:30:38,792 Oh, by all means. 397 00:30:39,637 --> 00:30:41,400 You could help us pick out the gut worms 398 00:30:41,606 --> 00:30:43,437 from the bowel of the Viscid Boa. 399 00:30:44,075 --> 00:30:47,101 Children, remember, if you need me anytime, 400 00:30:47,312 --> 00:30:50,770 you can reach me by phone or fax. 401 00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,175 Good day. 402 00:30:56,154 --> 00:30:58,145 Well, we got rid of him, didn't we? 403 00:30:58,389 --> 00:31:01,654 Come in. Come in. There's not much time, and we have to pack. 404 00:31:02,827 --> 00:31:04,021 Pack? 405 00:31:06,464 --> 00:31:07,522 Did you say "pack"? 406 00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:10,997 Oh, yes. We have to pack all the equipment. 407 00:31:11,402 --> 00:31:13,836 Then there's the essentials, like clothing and such. 408 00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,506 And we have to tag all of the snakes who are coming with us. 409 00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:17,834 Coming where? 410 00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:20,169 Oh, did I mention we're going to Peru? 411 00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,710 - No. - Yes, we're going to Peru. 412 00:31:22,914 --> 00:31:26,179 Tomorrow morning. Isn't that exciting? 413 00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:27,851 This way to the Reptile Room. 414 00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:33,524 Welcome to my humble abode. 415 00:31:33,925 --> 00:31:36,519 You children know anything about snakes? 416 00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:38,855 Only what I've read in books. 417 00:31:39,264 --> 00:31:41,027 No, not very much. 418 00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:45,794 Well, we may have one or two things here that aren't in books. 419 00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:51,534 I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and introduce you to a few of me friends. 420 00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,877 Over here... 421 00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:55,375 That's the two-headed cobra. 422 00:31:55,580 --> 00:31:57,548 Well spotted. 423 00:31:57,749 --> 00:31:59,216 Is that a he or a she? 424 00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:02,052 I have no idea. Didn't think it polite to ask. 425 00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:06,216 And over here, the Tibetan Third-Eye Toad. 426 00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,791 We can't stop this fellow chanting. Om. Ribbit. 427 00:32:10,194 --> 00:32:14,062 And now, children, you have to see my latest discovery. 428 00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:19,066 Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind. The Incredibly Deadly Viper. 429 00:32:19,704 --> 00:32:24,334 My assistant, Gustav, and I may be the only people ever to have seen him. 430 00:32:51,002 --> 00:32:54,494 Oh, I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed. 431 00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:56,707 Let me just adjust it here. 432 00:32:58,476 --> 00:32:59,443 Right. 433 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,668 There we are. 434 00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,105 Now, 435 00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:03,974 where was I? 436 00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:06,944 Oh, yes. The attack of the Incredibly Deadly Viper. 437 00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:11,314 Not to worry, little one. You're all right. 438 00:33:11,522 --> 00:33:14,184 It can't possibly harm you. Here we go. 439 00:33:14,559 --> 00:33:17,687 The Incredibly Deadly Viper couldn't have possibly harmed her? 440 00:33:17,929 --> 00:33:19,658 No. No, no, no, no. 441 00:33:21,699 --> 00:33:23,223 It's a big softy. 442 00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:26,025 One of the least harmful and most friendly creatures 443 00:33:26,237 --> 00:33:27,499 in the animal kingdom. 444 00:33:27,705 --> 00:33:28,865 It's a misnomer. 445 00:33:29,073 --> 00:33:32,406 I only called him that to play a prank on those stuffed shirts 446 00:33:32,610 --> 00:33:34,635 down at the Herpetological Society. 447 00:33:34,879 --> 00:33:37,643 Uncle Monty, why are we going to Peru? 448 00:33:38,082 --> 00:33:39,879 Just this morning I was wondering, 449 00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:42,348 "How are we all going to get out of town together?" 450 00:33:42,553 --> 00:33:46,011 And I thought, "Peru." They have snakes in Peru, don't they? 451 00:33:46,224 --> 00:33:48,749 But why are we getting out of town? 452 00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:54,320 Violet, do you know snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them? 453 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,190 Few people do. 454 00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,561 When threatened, a snake will retreat to a place 455 00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:04,003 that is quiet, safe, remote. 456 00:34:05,109 --> 00:34:10,172 A sanctuary. Where it can feel out of danger. 457 00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:13,744 That's why Peru. 458 00:34:18,089 --> 00:34:20,523 Wait, that spyglass. I saw one just like that in our dad's... 459 00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:22,522 Plenty of time for chitchat later. 460 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,524 But right now, what I need is an inventor, 461 00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:27,061 a reader 462 00:34:27,265 --> 00:34:28,892 and a biter. 463 00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,226 Know any? 464 00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:42,269 High upon Highlands And low upon Tay 465 00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:48,780 Bonnie George Campbell Rode out on a day 466 00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:54,782 Saddled and bridled So gallant rode he 467 00:34:55,593 --> 00:35:00,587 Home came his good horse But never came he 468 00:35:02,967 --> 00:35:06,596 Petunia, what have I told you about this? 469 00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:09,102 She thinks I'm a tree, you know. 470 00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:14,742 I think I know that song. I think... I think our parents used to play it for us. 471 00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:18,074 They certainly did. As I did for mine. 472 00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:20,773 - You had children? - Oh, yes. 473 00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:23,784 And a wife and a home. 474 00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:26,616 Until the fire. 475 00:35:28,025 --> 00:35:29,322 A fire? 476 00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:33,821 I may know better than anyone what you're going through. 477 00:35:35,333 --> 00:35:36,925 But it's gonna be all right. 478 00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:41,962 We'll be among people who understand us. People who are like us. 479 00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:44,634 People who appreciate unique children 480 00:35:44,842 --> 00:35:50,144 who can read and invent and bite things. 481 00:35:52,517 --> 00:35:55,645 Uncle Monty, why are you doing all this for us? 482 00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,482 Isn't that what family does? 483 00:36:00,358 --> 00:36:03,816 "And so the Baudelaire children went to Peru 484 00:36:04,028 --> 00:36:05,757 and together had wonderful adventures 485 00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:09,330 with their loving and wonderful new guardian. 486 00:36:10,001 --> 00:36:11,992 The end. " 487 00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,500 These are the words I desperately wish I could type. 488 00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:21,141 Oh, I would give anything to say that the story ends here. 489 00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,007 But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings 490 00:36:24,215 --> 00:36:27,514 where they do not occur but to report the actual events 491 00:36:27,718 --> 00:36:30,881 in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children. 492 00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:33,687 And as much as it pains me, 493 00:36:33,891 --> 00:36:37,691 I must confess that their troubles had only just begun. 494 00:36:37,929 --> 00:36:40,989 And it did so with two musical notes. 495 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,542 Hello. 496 00:36:57,748 --> 00:37:02,412 I am looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. 497 00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:07,714 I am Stephano. I am an Italian man, 498 00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:13,361 and I am here to assist him in his research as best I can. 499 00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:17,694 As well as to facilitate and remain observatory. 500 00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:19,392 You're Count Olaf. 501 00:37:24,642 --> 00:37:28,043 Now, why would you say something like that? 502 00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:32,276 I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf, 503 00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:34,915 but if I had, 504 00:37:35,119 --> 00:37:39,715 I'm sure he would look and sound completely different. 505 00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,252 You're Olaf, and we're not letting you in. 506 00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:52,929 Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis. 507 00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:57,597 Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids. 508 00:37:57,842 --> 00:38:00,470 Words of wisdom indeed, Mr. Stephano. 509 00:38:00,678 --> 00:38:03,272 Oops, you caught me being a mentor. 510 00:38:03,514 --> 00:38:06,483 And bless you for coming at such short notice. 511 00:38:06,717 --> 00:38:08,309 Not at all, not at all. 512 00:38:08,552 --> 00:38:12,420 My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick and phoned not one hour ago. 513 00:38:12,623 --> 00:38:15,091 He'd give anything to be here right now. 514 00:38:18,696 --> 00:38:20,596 Thank goodness you were available. 515 00:38:20,865 --> 00:38:25,768 Well, I am a fan, if I may gush. 516 00:38:26,037 --> 00:38:29,268 Your work has profoundly influenced my research 517 00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:32,601 up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium... 518 00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:35,609 ...on the sea snake. 519 00:38:36,213 --> 00:38:38,773 It's a very volatile animal. 520 00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:44,352 - Perhaps we should... - I've been bitten 43... 700 times. 521 00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:46,356 Mostly on the face. 522 00:38:46,557 --> 00:38:49,526 A lot of this has been reconstructed. 523 00:38:49,827 --> 00:38:51,294 But I think they did one heck of a job, 524 00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:54,794 even though my mustache is a tad askew. 525 00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:01,460 I wonder if I could get the kids to help me in with my bags. 526 00:39:01,739 --> 00:39:04,799 My left side is somewhat neurologically challenged. 527 00:39:05,076 --> 00:39:06,703 - But of course. Children... - Uncle Monty... 528 00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:11,141 Please. Let us not be rude to our guest. 529 00:39:11,415 --> 00:39:12,643 Now, go on. 530 00:39:13,918 --> 00:39:15,317 What's he up to? 531 00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,508 I don't know. 532 00:39:16,754 --> 00:39:21,157 There is no good moment, of course, for a notorious villain to arrive. 533 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,327 But the timing of Olaf's reappearance, 534 00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:26,985 just when Dr. Montgomery's secret could be revealed to the children, 535 00:39:27,231 --> 00:39:29,893 was almost more than Klaus could bear. 536 00:39:30,134 --> 00:39:31,431 Violet, listen to me. 537 00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:35,168 Monty's spyglass. I saw the exact same one in Dad's desk. 538 00:39:35,973 --> 00:39:38,908 - Klaus, it's just a coincidence. - Violet, no. 539 00:39:39,110 --> 00:39:41,010 Everything happens for a reason. 540 00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:44,511 Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. 541 00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:46,182 Do you have experience with children? 542 00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:49,683 Children are strange and foreign to me. 543 00:39:50,621 --> 00:39:52,020 I never really was one. 544 00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:55,590 I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem. 545 00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:57,793 He's never gonna let us alone with Monty. 546 00:39:57,995 --> 00:39:59,428 We've gotta get a message to him. 547 00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:01,530 Leave that to me. 548 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,030 I was feeding the moray, 549 00:40:05,469 --> 00:40:09,200 and of course, I got cocky. 550 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:13,275 And that's all it takes. That's all it takes, is one time. 551 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:17,206 Just once. 552 00:40:17,481 --> 00:40:20,211 I had the kipper in my mouth, and I offered it. 553 00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:23,976 And there was a team from National Geographic that were there. 554 00:40:24,188 --> 00:40:25,553 They were filming the whole thing. 555 00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:29,283 And, well, a lot of people don't know this about the moray, 556 00:40:29,493 --> 00:40:32,223 but you think, you know, "This can't be a tremendously strong animal." 557 00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,728 I mean, sure, it has a certain amount of strength, 558 00:40:34,932 --> 00:40:38,265 but how does it pull a man's face into a cave? 559 00:40:38,769 --> 00:40:40,930 Anyway, long story short, 560 00:40:41,172 --> 00:40:43,470 the bends, a reconstructive surgery... 561 00:40:43,674 --> 00:40:48,805 But yes, from my understanding, Peru is a wonderful place. 562 00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,978 The beaches. The people. 563 00:40:51,215 --> 00:40:52,409 The relaxed guardianship laws. 564 00:40:53,851 --> 00:40:55,751 Relaxed guardianship laws? 565 00:40:57,488 --> 00:40:58,955 Did I say that? 566 00:41:00,558 --> 00:41:01,923 Darn neurotoxins. 567 00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:06,662 Oh, Stephano, you have a wonderful gift for storytelling. 568 00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:09,660 - Doesn't he, children? - Oh, yeah. 569 00:41:09,867 --> 00:41:12,927 I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me. 570 00:41:13,137 --> 00:41:18,439 Petunia. Well, the milking... Now, see, what I was... 571 00:41:18,642 --> 00:41:19,836 Could I just...? 572 00:41:20,044 --> 00:41:22,945 Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that. 573 00:41:23,380 --> 00:41:27,009 Now, they used to call me Old MacDonald up at the milking lab there, 574 00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:29,152 because I'd milk these things all day long. 575 00:41:29,420 --> 00:41:33,151 But the little udders are hard to locate. 576 00:41:34,692 --> 00:41:37,684 Anyway, why don't you take that 577 00:41:37,928 --> 00:41:40,692 and go ahead and start the party without me, and then... 578 00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:45,992 I'm not sure I brought my milking gear. I'll take a gander. 579 00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:58,812 Is he still watching? 580 00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,310 Yes. 581 00:42:01,785 --> 00:42:03,776 Don't look at me. Pretend you're talking to Klaus. 582 00:42:03,988 --> 00:42:05,819 Okay. 583 00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:09,322 I got your message. Don't worry. I know. 584 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,495 - You do? - Yes. 585 00:42:11,695 --> 00:42:14,664 A moray eel would never eat kippers. Far too salty. 586 00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:17,364 And did you see the way he kept glancing into my satchel, 587 00:42:17,568 --> 00:42:19,695 where I keep the exotic snake venoms? 588 00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:23,939 You children were right. Stephano is an imposter. 589 00:42:24,141 --> 00:42:25,108 Yes. 590 00:42:25,309 --> 00:42:27,038 He's a spy from the Herpetological Society. 591 00:42:27,244 --> 00:42:29,439 He's here to steal the Incredibly Deadly Viper. 592 00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:30,647 - No. - No. Uncle Monty... 593 00:42:33,117 --> 00:42:38,419 Darn. All finished. I was so looking forward to the milking. 594 00:42:39,290 --> 00:42:41,656 Isn't it about time you kids went to bed? 595 00:42:41,859 --> 00:42:45,818 Absolutely. Early start tomorrow, children. 596 00:42:46,030 --> 00:42:47,258 Off you go. 597 00:42:48,198 --> 00:42:49,358 Good night. 598 00:42:54,805 --> 00:42:58,434 Oh, and if you kids should get restless during the night, 599 00:42:58,709 --> 00:43:02,440 I'm right down the hall, and I'm a very light sleeper. 600 00:43:02,713 --> 00:43:07,116 In fact, I hardly sleep at all. 601 00:43:19,163 --> 00:43:21,290 Do you have a hall pass? 602 00:43:24,902 --> 00:43:26,802 I didn't think so. 603 00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:31,473 Oh, Petunia, I'm going to miss you. 604 00:43:32,743 --> 00:43:35,803 You're such a good girl, aren't you? 605 00:43:36,747 --> 00:43:38,374 Such a pretty girl. 606 00:43:38,916 --> 00:43:42,215 You are. Yes, you are. 607 00:43:44,254 --> 00:43:46,882 Oh, yes, you are. 608 00:43:48,258 --> 00:43:51,159 It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. 609 00:43:53,430 --> 00:43:54,988 Uncle Monty? 610 00:43:55,199 --> 00:43:58,168 It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark 611 00:43:58,369 --> 00:44:01,702 and thinking that there's one more stair than there is. 612 00:44:02,373 --> 00:44:04,534 Your foot falls down through the air, 613 00:44:04,742 --> 00:44:07,905 and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. 614 00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:11,069 Uncle Monty? 615 00:44:16,787 --> 00:44:19,347 The children's grief was not only for their uncle 616 00:44:19,590 --> 00:44:23,117 but for that tender hope that they may have found home again. 617 00:44:23,394 --> 00:44:26,522 A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away. 618 00:44:32,803 --> 00:44:35,601 I do feel somewhat responsible for this tragedy. 619 00:44:35,806 --> 00:44:39,037 I should've taken it upon myself to warn him 620 00:44:39,276 --> 00:44:40,800 that the Incredibly Deadly Viper 621 00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:44,037 is the most deadly snake in the entire ecosystem. 622 00:44:44,248 --> 00:44:47,217 I should know. I discovered it. 623 00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:48,783 You what? 624 00:44:49,019 --> 00:44:50,281 Detective? 625 00:44:51,155 --> 00:44:55,114 Little girl, the big cage door is open, no snake. Dead guy. 626 00:44:55,325 --> 00:44:56,553 You know what I'm thinking? 627 00:44:56,760 --> 00:44:59,593 I'm thinking, "Who woke me up at 9 in the morning for this?" 628 00:45:00,297 --> 00:45:03,095 It's definitely a snake bite. There's no question about it. 629 00:45:03,300 --> 00:45:05,097 Snake bite, no question about it. Thanks, doc. 630 00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:08,236 You don't understand, the Incredibly Deadly Viper couldn't have killed him, 631 00:45:08,439 --> 00:45:10,930 because it's one of the least dangerous and most friendly creatures 632 00:45:11,141 --> 00:45:12,335 in the animal kingdom. 633 00:45:12,609 --> 00:45:14,304 You mind if I skip the paperwork on this? 634 00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:18,945 I think that'd be best. These kids have been through a major upheaval. 635 00:45:19,516 --> 00:45:22,974 I wonder if it's a good idea, even, to change their plans at this point. 636 00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:25,949 We were headed for Peru tomorrow, 637 00:45:26,156 --> 00:45:28,522 - and the tickets are nonrefundable. - No. 638 00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:29,715 Doc, what do you think? 639 00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,485 Could be the only chance for them to get closure. 640 00:45:33,864 --> 00:45:35,229 Closure. Thank you, doc. 641 00:45:35,432 --> 00:45:37,491 From interviews with witnesses who were there that day, 642 00:45:37,701 --> 00:45:41,364 I have learned the following about the youngest Baudelaire's plan: 643 00:45:41,638 --> 00:45:43,367 Brave Sunny started here 644 00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:45,335 and approached the Incredibly Deadly Viper 645 00:45:45,542 --> 00:45:47,601 with single-minded determination. 646 00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:51,108 No, he's Count Olaf, and that doctor is his accomplice. 647 00:45:51,348 --> 00:45:52,713 He tried to kill us with a train. 648 00:45:52,916 --> 00:45:55,976 - And where would this man get a train? - Where am I gonna get a train? 649 00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:57,880 Children, that's enough of this foolishness. 650 00:45:58,155 --> 00:46:00,953 Mr. Stephano bears absolutely no resemblance to Count Olaf. 651 00:46:01,158 --> 00:46:04,787 Who is this incredibly handsome Count Olaf they keep speaking of? 652 00:46:04,995 --> 00:46:08,761 Count Olaf is their old guardian, who made an error in judgment. 653 00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:13,459 What about the tattoo? Count Olaf had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle. 654 00:46:14,171 --> 00:46:16,139 Anything for the kids. 655 00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:20,639 Voil�! Spick-and-span. 656 00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:22,969 Well, he's an actor. He covered it with makeup. 657 00:46:25,048 --> 00:46:27,676 Doctor, I wonder if you could help me escort 658 00:46:27,885 --> 00:46:30,319 - these young children to the vehicle. - No. Mr. Poe... 659 00:46:30,521 --> 00:46:32,250 - No, Mr. Poe! - I'll send you a postcard. 660 00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:34,617 About one thing, all the witnesses agreed. 661 00:46:34,858 --> 00:46:39,625 The sound they heard next was so shocking, so surprising, 662 00:46:39,863 --> 00:46:42,195 it still haunts them to this day. 663 00:46:52,075 --> 00:46:56,341 Damn it. This was such a good character. 664 00:47:18,531 --> 00:47:21,500 Bum buttery, bluebird is singing a tune 665 00:47:21,701 --> 00:47:26,070 Rest assured, children, the authorities are in hot pursuit of Mr. Stephano, 666 00:47:26,272 --> 00:47:29,764 from his eyebrowless forehead to his untattooed ankle. 667 00:47:30,176 --> 00:47:31,871 The Italian fiend. 668 00:47:32,078 --> 00:47:34,546 Though still in the clutches of a clueless banker, 669 00:47:34,747 --> 00:47:37,375 the Baudelaires celebrated their unmasking of Count Olaf 670 00:47:37,584 --> 00:47:41,418 as they skimmed their way across the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose. 671 00:47:41,688 --> 00:47:45,522 But Klaus wasn't the sort to think on the surface of anything. 672 00:47:45,725 --> 00:47:47,886 He knew there was something beneath their journey, 673 00:47:48,094 --> 00:47:50,824 even though all he had to go on was a spyglass, 674 00:47:51,030 --> 00:47:55,330 the knowledge of another terrible fire and two words on a slip of paper. 675 00:47:55,535 --> 00:47:57,503 Aunt Josephine? 676 00:47:58,137 --> 00:47:59,832 Never heard of her. 677 00:48:01,374 --> 00:48:05,242 Does it strike you as odd that none of our relatives are related to us? 678 00:48:21,961 --> 00:48:23,519 Aunt Josephine? 679 00:48:25,398 --> 00:48:28,196 Baudelaires? Is that you? 680 00:48:28,434 --> 00:48:29,594 Yes. 681 00:48:31,104 --> 00:48:32,401 Oh, good. 682 00:48:32,705 --> 00:48:33,729 Come in. Come in. Come in. 683 00:48:33,940 --> 00:48:37,068 Hurricane Herman is about to arrive at any time now. 684 00:48:38,912 --> 00:48:42,245 Oh, Violet. Look at you. 685 00:48:42,482 --> 00:48:43,710 Hello. 686 00:48:43,917 --> 00:48:45,885 Come in, quickly. Quickly, children. 687 00:48:46,119 --> 00:48:47,450 - What? What? - What's the matter? 688 00:48:47,754 --> 00:48:51,747 Not that quickly. You could trip over the welcome mat 689 00:48:51,991 --> 00:48:53,288 and decapitate yourselves. 690 00:48:54,627 --> 00:48:59,257 So, quickly, but not too quickly, all right? 691 00:49:13,513 --> 00:49:16,573 I'm sorry it's so chilly in here. 692 00:49:16,983 --> 00:49:20,749 Sometimes it gets so cold I can hardly stand it. 693 00:49:20,987 --> 00:49:23,649 Would you like me to turn the radiator up for you, Aunt Josephine? 694 00:49:23,957 --> 00:49:28,121 Oh, no. I never turn on the radiator. I'm frightened that it might explode. 695 00:49:29,329 --> 00:49:33,493 Children, I must ask you not to use any of the doorknobs in the house. 696 00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:38,933 Just push on the wood of the door, and it'll open. 697 00:49:39,305 --> 00:49:40,272 Why? 698 00:49:40,707 --> 00:49:42,766 Well, I'm always afraid that the doorknobs 699 00:49:42,976 --> 00:49:44,671 will shatter into a million tiny pieces, 700 00:49:44,877 --> 00:49:46,606 and one of them will hit my eye. 701 00:49:51,484 --> 00:49:53,782 "Delmo" is not a word. 702 00:49:54,354 --> 00:49:57,949 I can see that I'm going to have to teach her proper English. 703 00:50:03,496 --> 00:50:07,489 Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don't you find? 704 00:50:07,734 --> 00:50:09,031 - Most definitely. - I love grammar. 705 00:50:18,177 --> 00:50:19,804 Perfect. Nice hot soup. 706 00:50:20,513 --> 00:50:23,812 Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup. 707 00:50:24,050 --> 00:50:25,483 I never cook anything hot. 708 00:50:25,718 --> 00:50:28,551 I'm afraid that the stove will burst into flames. 709 00:50:28,921 --> 00:50:29,979 Where's your brother? 710 00:50:30,523 --> 00:50:31,490 The kitchen. 711 00:50:32,225 --> 00:50:33,192 Klaus? 712 00:50:34,527 --> 00:50:35,721 What are you doing? 713 00:50:36,195 --> 00:50:37,162 Napkins. 714 00:50:38,231 --> 00:50:42,497 Napkins are here. Come away from the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat. 715 00:50:44,203 --> 00:50:45,500 All right. 716 00:50:46,039 --> 00:50:48,940 Everyone, would you like to see some pictures? 717 00:50:52,779 --> 00:50:54,713 Careful. Don't get a paper cut. 718 00:50:58,217 --> 00:50:59,184 Is this lke? 719 00:51:01,421 --> 00:51:02,718 Wasn't he handsome? 720 00:51:07,393 --> 00:51:09,725 All the things you did, Aunt Josephine. 721 00:51:10,396 --> 00:51:11,727 You tamed lions? 722 00:51:12,465 --> 00:51:17,698 Oh, I was quite adventurous when lke was alive. 723 00:51:32,251 --> 00:51:34,913 Uncle Monty? You knew Uncle Monty? 724 00:51:35,121 --> 00:51:37,783 No. That's not a good picture of me. 725 00:51:37,990 --> 00:51:40,550 Wait, is...? Is that our parents? 726 00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:42,557 Was this some sort of club? 727 00:51:42,962 --> 00:51:45,226 Why do you all have these spyglasses? 728 00:51:45,431 --> 00:51:50,232 I don't like the way I look in that picture. 729 00:51:54,340 --> 00:51:56,467 Did lke die in a fire? 730 00:51:56,809 --> 00:51:59,972 No, no, no, no. Silly child, no. 731 00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:02,906 He was eaten by leeches. 732 00:52:06,285 --> 00:52:07,616 Come, I'll show you. 733 00:52:12,992 --> 00:52:17,486 Watch the chandelier, children. If it falls, it will impale you. 734 00:52:37,817 --> 00:52:43,119 Ike and I explored every cove and inlet of Lake Lachrymose, 735 00:52:43,322 --> 00:52:45,790 from Horrid Harbor, 736 00:52:46,025 --> 00:52:50,860 all the way over to Curdled Cave, way over there. 737 00:52:51,364 --> 00:52:54,492 And near that rock is where the leeches attacked. 738 00:52:58,204 --> 00:53:00,172 Lachrymose leeches have six rows 739 00:53:00,373 --> 00:53:03,035 of very sharp teeth, and one very sharp nose. 740 00:53:03,342 --> 00:53:07,676 They are blind, but they can smell food on a human from miles away. 741 00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:11,976 And if they smell food, they will swarm. 742 00:53:15,221 --> 00:53:20,523 I told him, "lke, you must wait one hour before going into the water." 743 00:53:21,060 --> 00:53:22,186 But... 744 00:53:23,196 --> 00:53:27,496 ...he only waited 45 minutes, 745 00:53:27,700 --> 00:53:28,894 and... 746 00:53:37,710 --> 00:53:40,577 I apologize, children. 747 00:53:41,380 --> 00:53:42,677 Klaus! 748 00:53:43,216 --> 00:53:46,413 That area is private. That was lke's room. 749 00:53:50,389 --> 00:53:53,381 Oh, God, I hate it here. 750 00:53:55,228 --> 00:53:58,664 Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought 751 00:53:58,865 --> 00:54:00,355 of maybe moving someplace else? 752 00:54:00,566 --> 00:54:04,195 Maybe if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose you might feel better. 753 00:54:05,304 --> 00:54:07,363 I could never, 754 00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:11,872 never, never, never sell this house. 755 00:54:13,246 --> 00:54:15,544 I'm terrified of realtors. 756 00:54:15,915 --> 00:54:18,281 There are two kinds of fears: 757 00:54:18,584 --> 00:54:21,451 Rational and irrational. 758 00:54:22,088 --> 00:54:25,387 Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear. 759 00:54:25,591 --> 00:54:27,058 Is this a bad time? 760 00:54:32,598 --> 00:54:34,429 We gotta get her out of the house. 761 00:54:42,141 --> 00:54:46,305 Watch out for those avocados. The pit could become lodged in our throats. 762 00:54:46,612 --> 00:54:51,140 And watch out for that cart. It could break free and run us over. 763 00:54:52,285 --> 00:54:54,583 Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine. 764 00:54:55,054 --> 00:54:57,852 Lord thundering jumped-up Jehovah.