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Tired of the same old you?
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Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?
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Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?
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Yeah.
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Oh, hello.
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I'm White Goodman, owner, operator
and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.
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I'm here to tell ya that you don't have
to be stuck with what you've got.
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Hey, Rory. Looking good.
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At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness"
and "fatness" are genetic disorders,
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much like baldness or necrophilia,
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and it's only your fault if you don't hate
yourself enough to do something about it.
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That's where we come in.
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Globo Gym employs
a highly trained, quasi-cultural staff
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of personal alteration specialists.
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With our competitively priced
onsite cosmetic surgery,
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we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morning
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into a Franken-fine.
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Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense,
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but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better you
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than you could ever become without us.
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How do I know?
Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,
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I'm also a client.
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That's me, six years and 600lbs ago,
before I knew how much I hated myself.
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That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.
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But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen
to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...
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That feels good.
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Oh, the tickle machine.
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Crash, no. Crash, out.
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Bad dog. No grundle.
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Come on down and join the winning team,
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because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you.
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And we know it.
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Spare me.
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Mr La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.
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We've been trying to reach you,
but your phone was disconnected.
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We'll be shutting off
your water and power at 5pm today
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due to an eight-month overdue account.
Thank you and have a nice day.
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This is Seth from Videorama.
The following DVDs are now overdue.
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Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5
and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.
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Come on, baby, be there.
Be there.
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It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.
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We're just around the corner.
My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.
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You guys are lifesavers.
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I appreciate the effort.
Don't pull a hammy over it.
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Gimme that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?
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Hey, Peter.
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- How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.
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Don't hold out on me. What's happening?
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It's just I'm trying
this new voicemail-dating thing.
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And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.
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There's someone out there for everybody.
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- You think?
- Absolutely.
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In some cases, there's two somebodies for
one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
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See you later, dater.
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- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Gordon.
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- I'm wailing on my glutes.
- Sounds great.
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I'm gonna shock the biceps later,
then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.
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- I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. I wanted to ask you something.
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- Did you catch the game last night?
- Can I say yes?
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Amateur curling championships
on ESPN8.
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- I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.
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I feel dumb for asking,
but how did you hear about it?
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- OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Of course, the OSQ.
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Started reading it in college, for the chicks.
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- I'm glad that worked out for you.
- Thanks, Peter.
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- Bye.
- Love the orange and love the headphones.
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When I come back,
I want you on a different machine.
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- You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete.
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OK, come on. Let's get this out of here.
You OK?
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- You're like a human Chinese puzzle.
- Thanks, Pete.
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All that weight is dangerous.
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It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading
squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.
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Hang on a second. You wanna become
a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
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Yeah. Why?
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Nothing. High school's
changed a bit since I was a kid.
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Plus, all anyone ever remembers is
what happened at last year's tryouts.
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I'm the laughing stock of the school.
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I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?
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Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched.
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- Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.
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Good luck to you, making yourjudgments.
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And from the girls' line,
we need girl number
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00, Martha Johnstone.
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Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?
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I'm not wearing any panties.
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Ready? One, two.
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Liberty, ready?
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- Dude.
- Can he breathe?
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- Wow.
- Yeah.
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- It was the worst.
- Don't worry about this Amber situation.
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- It'll all work itself out in the end.
- Thanks, Pete.
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You'll laugh at this one day.
I'm laughing.
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Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.
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- Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter.
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'Tis about the matter of payment
for me membership.
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Steve be a touch short this month.
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That's all right.
Just pay me when you get the money.
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The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt.
I'll make a barter with you.
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In exchange for your kindness,
I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.
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Once I find it, that be.
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I'm flattered by the gesture, but
a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.
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Thanks, Peter.
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- I'll be on the StairMaster.
- OK, Steve.
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- Next time, maybe just say "hello".
- Gar.
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Hello.
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It's not my birthday till next month,
but terrific.
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I'm so sorry. Hi.
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I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.
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- Your bank?
- Right. My bank.
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- You are very attractive for a banker.
- Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
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Really? What kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?
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Sexual harassment, mostly.
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But I also handle real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.
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- This place is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.
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You were in default
when we sent you delinquency notices.
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- I thought those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.
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No one warned me. What happens now?
I make my payments out to somebody else?
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You have 30 days to pay the balance
of your mortgage, or you lose your gym.
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Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?
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$50,000.
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Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have
to wait till the end of the month to cash her?
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I do have to switch some funds. The charity
I like to work with is gonna take a hit.
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Mr La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.
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Yeah.
This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch.
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It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial
statements and assess any tax liabilities.
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Absolutely.
I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",
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but if there was a "Ms Mr",
I'm a Ms as well.
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You do keep financial records?
Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income.
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You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em.
I call 'em keepers.
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- Problem is I've never really filed them.
- No kidding.
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Just out of curiosity,
who would want to buy this place anyway?
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Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.
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Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up.
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One more, bitch. One more, bitch.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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- Now you're my bitch.
- Yeah.
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Yeah, baby.
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Involuntary spasm.
Look at the show. Enjoy the show.
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This a bad time? I could come back.
Looks like some real dude sweat going on.
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Add three pounds to the scales in the
women's locker room before you go home.
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Refreshment?
I've got protein paste, carb laxative...
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00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,315
- Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?
- I'm trying to cut down on those.
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- They're good. They are good.
- Know what you mean.
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Walk with me.
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00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,550
Hey, Brianna.
Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.
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Nice job, Susie.
You call that a sit-up?
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Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.
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There's a good energy in the gym.
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Let me guess why you're here, Pete.
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Because I bought out
the second mortgage on your gym.
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You've got 30 days to make $50,000,
or your gym becomes my gym.
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I know we've had our differences...
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Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?
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It was one night.
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00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,916
Or the strip-o-gram you sent me
for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?
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- It was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.
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Let's not get hung up on details.
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- We're both professionals.
- Really?
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00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,238
Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.
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00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,995
My gym's worth over $4 million.
Your gym isn't worth four.
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I have shareholders.
You haven't even got cupholders.
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00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,590
- Why would I want cupholders?
- The point is
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00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,592
Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.
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A benchmark in the fitness community.
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Your "gym" is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.
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00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:23,071
See, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favours.
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I earned this body
and I built this temple
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00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,789
out of nothing more than
a little can-do attitude and elbow grease.
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00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,599
And a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.
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So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build
a parking structure for my members, so be it.
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00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,790
There's nothing you can do about it.
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00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:45,749
In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap
you call a gym into permanent nothingness.
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00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:50,994
I can only hope that you, and the mongrel
race that comprise your membership,
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00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,640
are inside it when I do.
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Show Mr La Fleur out.
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Turn it up high, Reggie.
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00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,831
I wanna burn.
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00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:08,310
So that's the deal. We got 30 days
to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.
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00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,834
I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A.
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00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,715
No need to raise your hands,
it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.
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00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,395
Yes, Peter, - and I'm just spitballing here -
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00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,951
but why don't we pay it off
in Canadian dollars and save some money?
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00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,033
Just so you know, if that's a route
you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.
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00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,351
It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars.
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00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:36,309
- How are we gonna come up with $120,000?
- Owen, you don't add them together.
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00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:40,518
Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this,
but it's more like $73,313...
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00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:44,149
It doesn't matter. We can't come up
with $50,000. We're screwed.
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00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,992
Gar.
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00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:51,234
- It's an insurmountable amount of money.
- No, it's not insurmountable. Come on.
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00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,154
We can'tjust sit back
and let Globo Gym take us over.
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00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,198
Average Joe's is too important.
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00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,475
Where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?
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00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,471
- Average Joe's.
- Right.
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00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:05,269
Dwight, Owen, what will you do
if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?
195
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,114
- I ain't working at no airport again.
- No. Cos you hated it.
196
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:13,318
And, Steve, where do you go
to do whatever it is that you do?
197
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:17,678
- Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve.
- Gar. You're right.
198
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:22,392
Do you see? There's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.
199
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,075
They'd laugh at me there.
Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.
200
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,913
But not here, not at Joe's.
201
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,755
I need this place.
You guys need this place. Come on.
202
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,953
I got it. I know how we can raise the money.
203
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,554
- How?
- Car wash.
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00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,796
What are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?
205
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,677
The girls beat us fair and square.
206
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:08,591
I am gonna be a gentleman about it and
congratulate every one of them, personally.
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00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:13,117
Guys. Not to be a nay-sayer or anything,
but the only customer we've had
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00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,557
is that weird guy
who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
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00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:27,075
That's it, boy.
Get in there nice and deep, like.
210
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,192
- That's not good.
- Gar. This sucks.
211
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,918
Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.
212
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:50,190
At Globo Gym,
we're better than you and we know it.
213
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,033
Sign up now.
214
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,270
Do you smell that fitness? I do.
215
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,715
Rock it and shock it, baby.
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00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,756
You gotta burn it to earn it.
217
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,628
- What's in the envelope?
- Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym.
218
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,395
- Cool.
- It's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult.
219
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:11,314
Maybe we could sell 'em for cash
cos the car wash cost us money.
220
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,868
- We're further away from saving this place?
- Yes.
221
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,474
- We'll never raise enough money.
- This blows.
222
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,471
Guys, I know this is tough to take,
223
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:22,439
but if an impromptu car wash
doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,
224
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,556
I guess itjust isn't in the cards.
225
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:30,795
Trust me here. If there was any way in
the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,
226
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,110
short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.
227
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,395
We could sell blood and semen.
228
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,232
What? Not mixed together.
229
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,436
Guys, I love the enthusiasm,
230
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,876
I love the energy here,
but we're looking at this the wrong way.
231
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,520
Let's celebrate the good times
that was Joe's.
232
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,876
We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style.
233
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:55,514
Let me be the first
to say goodbye to Average Joe's.
234
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,559
We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now let's try to have some fun.
235
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,950
I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song",
and we'll tear this place apart.
236
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,270
Wait, wait. Peter. Peter.
237
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,070
We could play dodgeball.
238
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:12,631
That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's
tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.
239
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:18,272
There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.
240
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,158
I read about
the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
241
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,390
every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly.
242
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,994
Of course. That's a totally common thing.
243
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,153
The best part is it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.
244
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:35,792
- How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000?
- They have a cash prize for the winner.
245
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:38,758
- How much?
- $50,000.
246
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,832
Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000
for playing dodgeball.
247
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,992
- Why not?
- None of us know how to play dodgeball.
248
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,471
I do. We played it in PE last year.
They showed us this film about it.
249
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,757
- Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.
250
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,400
Can we please try to be serious
here for one second?
251
00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:00,600
You said anything we could do to raise
the money. This is that anything. This is it.
252
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,956
Come on, show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?
253
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,915
Come on.
254
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,709
Come on, Pete.
255
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,871
You guys had me at blood and semen.
Come here.
256
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,357
You want it, don't you, fat boy?
257
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,317
You want that doughnut.
258
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,073
Go ahead and have a bite.
259
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,948
Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.
260
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,917
Momma.
261
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:43,316
- Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you.
- Give me 30 seconds and send her in.
262
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,879
Yes, sir.
263
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,711
Thank you.
264
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,758
Hello, Katherine. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.
265
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,230
- You asked me to come over.
- Did I?
266
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,153
Are you reading the dictionary?
267
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,275
You caught me. I like to break
a mental sweat too. Grab a chair.
268
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:29,276
So, I trust everything's going swimmingly
with our acquisition of Average Joe's?
269
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:33,911
So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there,
so I should probably get back.
270
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,834
- That is a really interesting painting.
- Thank you.
271
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:43,153
Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns.
It's how I handle my business.
272
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,276
It's a metaphor.
273
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:49,399
- I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.
274
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:54,349
Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here,
but there's always room for one more squaw.
275
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:58,433
So, please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.
276
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,988
- I don't.
- I don't want to get into a formal thing.
277
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,071
I'm White, you know.
278
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,957
W-h-i-t.
279
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,233
E.
280
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,914
Thanks, Mr Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.
281
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,070
They just assigned me to your account.
282
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:18,917
Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank
works for me so, ipso fact, I'm your boss.
283
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:25,030
Point is, I would love to see your pretty
little bone structure around here some more.
284
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,190
There's no reason we need to be shackled
285
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:31,319
by the strictures of
the employee-employer relationship.
286
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,868
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
287
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,633
In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.
288
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:40,269
I'm just kidding.
But seriously, I've got 'em.
289
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,999
I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.
290
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:48,200
In fact, I actually prefer it over there.
291
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,989
Really? You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser-Town?
292
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,197
They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.
293
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,636
People?
294
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,188
"People, just like you and me."
Oh, man.
295
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,955
That is what I love about you, Kate.
You've got a "personality".
296
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:12,837
That is rich. A real sauciness
that I find extremely attractive.
297
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,990
We should mate.
298
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,798
- What?
- Date.
299
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,838
We should date some time. Socially.
Go out and kick it.
300
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,517
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
301
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,831
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
302
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:33,157
In some cultures, they only eat vomit.
303
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,909
I never been there,
but I read about it in a book.
304
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,595
I'm sorry, Mr Goodman.
I don't date clients.
305
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,918
I get it.
306
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,436
Don't crap where you eat. I understand.
307
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,229
Me'Shell.
Please escort Ms Veatch out.
308
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,833
And, Katherine, make sure
my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly.
309
00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:00,071
They're up to something over there.
I can smell it.
310
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:12,677
�ber-American Instructional films,
teaching America's youth since 1938.
311
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,957
Hey, there, Timmy.
312
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,635
Holy mackerel, mister.
You scared the jeepers out of me.
313
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,429
How'd you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint,
314
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,873
and learn about dodgeball?
315
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,791
Boy, would I.
316
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,757
- Where am I, mister?
- You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.
317
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,196
This is where dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century,
318
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,510
by opium-addicted Chinamen.
319
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,956
Back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each another
320
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,271
instead of the ADAA-approved balls
we use today.
321
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:54,795
ADAA?
322
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,429
That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.
323
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:03,878
Dodgeball is played with six players
on each team, and six rubber balls.
324
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,032
The object of the game
is to eliminate the opposing players.
325
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:11,432
Once all the players on one team are
eliminated, the opposing team wins.
326
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,433
Wow. I can't wait
to get the fellas together and play.
327
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:20,118
Hang on a second there, sport.
328
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,192
- Patches O'Houlihan.
- That's right, Timmy.
329
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:29,071
Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA
All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way.
330
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:32,675
- Jeepers. Really?
- You betcha, champ.
331
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,993
If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground,
332
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,311
the player who threw that ball is out,
not you.
333
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,030
Plus, another player from your team
gets to come back into the game.
334
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:48,510
- It's a two-player swing.
- Thanks, Patches.
335
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,353
I can't wait to start my own team at school.
336
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,476
Attaboy, Tiger.
337
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:58,998
But remember, dodgeball is a sport
of violence, exclusion and degradation.
338
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,072
So, when you're picking players in gym class,
339
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:06,153
remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.
340
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:11,633
That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones, like Winston here.
341
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,238
Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.
342
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,756
Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.
343
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,513
Dodge, duck, dip, dive and
344
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:27,158
dodge.
345
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,152
Till next time.
This is Patches O'Houlihan,
346
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:34,791
saying, "Take care of your balls
and they'll take care of you."
347
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,079
OK, guys. Any questions? Great.
348
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:43,836
I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre.
349
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,797
But we haven't even practised yet.
350
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,555
We have to qualify for the Vegas Open.
Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.
351
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:54,873
Everyone, just relax. I've always found
the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.
352
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,633
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.
353
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,870
Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.
354
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,791
OK, I think everybody knows...
355
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:09,079
- Don't you have an office of your own?
- Yes, I do have an office.
356
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,913
A very nice office
with a view and air-conditioning.
357
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,197
- Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closet
358
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:20,035
of 30 years of financial transactions,
devoid of any filing system known to man.
359
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:23,908
Hard to believe I only got a semester
ofjunior college under my belt.
360
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:28,790
Do you realise you haven't collected
any membership fees in 13 months?
361
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:32,714
I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?
362
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,395
I found that if you have a goal,
you might not reach it.
363
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,995
But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.
364
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:44,392
I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.
365
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,631
I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
366
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,359
Sad? You wanna know what's sad?
367
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,193
Six grown men playing dodgeball.
368
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:57,593
Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and do some abs, go shock it up.
369
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,229
I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.
370
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,039
Gotta be limber and loose.
That's the only way to play.
371
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:08,557
Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time...
372
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:13,155
Dodgeball, eh?
373
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:18,075
If Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,
374
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,913
he's in for quite a surprise.
375
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,678
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.
376
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,912
- Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
377
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,070
- Hey, Gord, your family's here.
- Where?
378
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,310
- Right over there.
- Great.
379
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,676
She knows I don't like it
when she watches me. I get all nervous.
380
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,513
- Kids take after you.
- Yeah. She's their stepmother.
381
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,558
I remarried three years ago.
An Internet mail-order thing.
382
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:53,679
- How's that working out for you?
- Really great. Really great.
383
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,159
Hey, honey.
384
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,758
L for love. Good times.
385
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:01,831
L for love? That doesn't mean love...
386
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,388
People have different translations for things.
387
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,712
That's a special bond that you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice.
388
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,950
- How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Two.
389
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,349
If we beat this team,
we're in the Vegas Open?
390
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,237
- Yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.
391
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:20,110
- Who's the other team?
- I have it right here. Just a sec.
392
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:24,671
- Troop 417.
- Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts?
393
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,474
Not quite.
394
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,273
Bollocks.
395
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,670
Troop 417, ready.
396
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,398
Average Joe's, ready.
397
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,712
Set. Dodgeball.
398
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,389
I'm gonna send you to hell.
399
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:32,748
- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?
- Why would you hit a girl? Why?
400
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:34,796
I am so sorry. Are you OK?
401
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,355
Winner - Troop 417.
402
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,431
In your face.
403
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:45,718
You're adopted.
Your parents don't even love you.
404
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:53,791
And now, without further ado,
it gives me great pleasure to award...
405
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:59,512
I'm sorry.
We have a bit of a problem here.
406
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,357
Unfortunately for Troop 417,
407
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:07,274
during the ADAA-required
random drug screening,
408
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:12,559
one of your player's urine tested positive
for three separate types of anabolic steroids,
409
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:16,394
and a low-grade beaver tranquilliser.
410
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,439
I'm afraid, by rule,
your team must be disqualified.
411
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,275
Goddamn you, Bernice.
412
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,270
By the power vested in me,
I declare the winner of this year's
413
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:32,593
Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament
and Grammar Jamboree to be
414
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,432
Average Joe's Gym.
415
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:38,878
You lied.
416
00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:50,435
All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can
admit the real reason why you showed up.
417
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:54,832
I was in the neighbourhood and
I thought you could use a cheering section.
418
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:58,469
Kate, if you wannajoin the team,
all you have to do is ask.
419
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,279
Thank you, Peter. I don't.
420
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,833
It is obvious that you dig me.
421
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:06,831
- You're hooked on La Fleur.
- God.
422
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:11,710
I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.
You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.
423
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:17,670
I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have
brief moments where you're not completely...
424
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,192
What? I'm not completely what?
425
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,919
Pathetic.
426
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,557
Hey, White. I didn't think
that Nazi camp got out until eight.
427
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:32,997
- Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
- Yes, I did.
428
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:36,959
Hello, Kate.
I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialise.
429
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:43,559
- You're not. I'm off the clock.
- Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the clock?
430
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:47,599
I dropped by to congratulate you
on your victory by disqualification
431
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,514
and introduce you to the team that
will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.
432
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,272
My team.
433
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,869
Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to
434
00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:58,951
Blade.
435
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:01,831
Laser.
436
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:04,995
Blazer.
437
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:08,470
I've believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.
438
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:12,951
- We met.
- And I almost forgot our last player.
439
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:17,795
Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.
440
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:31,519
In her home country of Romanovia,
dodgeball is the national sport.
441
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:35,878
Her nuclear power plant's team won
the championship five years running,
442
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:40,954
which makes her the deadliest woman
on earth with a dodgeball.
443
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:42,758
Ball me, Blazer.
444
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:45,469
Show them, Fran.
445
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,319
That's just her change-up.
446
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:54,391
End of demo.
447
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,278
We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras
448
00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:00,955
and we will, we will rock you.
449
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,913
I think that guy might really be dead.
450
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:13,638
Wait a minute. How can you be
entered in the Las Vegas Open?
451
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:15,915
You didn't win a regional qualifying match.
452
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,197
Oh, my God. We never even won
a regional qualifying match.
453
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,271
Yeah. Now I remember.
454
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:24,909
The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine.
455
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,151
I helped him shed some unwanted poundage
before beach season.
456
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,834
So close your rule book
on that one, Poindextor.
457
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:35,311
White, we didn't come here to "rumble".
We came here to celebrate as a team.
458
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,437
There's plenty of bar here
for you and the Globo-nauts.
459
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:40,238
Team?
460
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:44,154
What team?
Your best player thinks he's a pirate.
461
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:50,790
First of all, he is way more
of a pirate than you will ever be.
462
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:56,000
Secondly, we don't know who our best player
is yet. We've only had one game.
463
00:31:56,080 --> 00:32:00,676
- It could be any one of us at this point.
- Go ahead, make yourjokes, Mr
464
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:02,751
Jokey... Joke-maker.
465
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,638
But let me hit you with
some knowledge. Quit now.
466
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:10,794
Save yourself the embarrassment of losing
with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
467
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,952
Alliteration aside,
I'll take my chances in the tournament.
468
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:18,431
- Yeah, you will take your chances.
- I know. I just said that.
469
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,557
- I know you did.
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
470
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,950
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I said.
471
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:29,192
- That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.
472
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:30,759
Touch�.
473
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,238
We're gonna split,
but we'll see you at the tournament.
474
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:41,110
And, La Fleur, best bring your bib
cos it's gonna get messy.
475
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:47,670
Are you all right? You OK?
476
00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:51,870
Let's bounce. Cobras.
477
00:32:55,120 --> 00:33:00,956
OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?
478
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:08,468
Hey, you.
479
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:13,156
That was the worst damn display
of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.
480
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,596
You want a dodgeball victory,
you've gotta grab it by its haunches
481
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,956
and hump it into submission.
That's the only way.
482
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:23,271
OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.
483
00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:26,318
I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
484
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,273
The name's Patches O'Houlihan.
485
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:32,920
I'm your new coach.
486
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:35,833
Patches O'Houlihan?
The guy from the dodgeball film?
487
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,639
- Yeah. He said he wants to coach us.
- You said yes?
488
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:42,679
I figured the steady hand of a seasoned
dodgeball coach could only benefit us.
489
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,718
A'iight.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?
490
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,598
No. No, he's totally normal.
491
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,476
I love the smell of queef in the morning.
492
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:04,551
I mean normal for us.
493
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:06,871
Line up, ladies.
494
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,235
- What does he mean, line up?
- Now.
495
00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,869
If you're gonna learn to be
true dodgeballers,
496
00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:19,635
then you've got to learn
the five Ds of dodgeball:
497
00:34:19,720 --> 00:34:22,678
dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.
498
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:28,551
If you master the five Ds,
no amount of balls on earth can hit you.
499
00:34:29,720 --> 00:34:32,837
- Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or...
500
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:37,630
Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or...
501
00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:40,951
That's what this sack of wrenches is for.
502
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:48,600
If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.
503
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:50,671
What?
504
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:01,792
Any other questions?
505
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:03,996
My God.
506
00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:08,995
Yeah. Patches, are you sure
that this is completely necessary?
507
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,435
Necessary?
508
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:15,638
- Is it necessary for me to drink my urine?
- Probably not.
509
00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:20,555
No. But I do it anyway
because it's sterile and I like the taste.
510
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,039
OK.
511
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:27,399
If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've
got to learn to do the dance in the dark.
512
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:30,037
Here, put that on.
513
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:32,395
All right, ladies, buckle up.
514
00:35:32,720 --> 00:35:34,039
It's showtime.
515
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:39,109
Dodge, duck, dip. Dive.
516
00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:42,278
Dodge.
517
00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:44,112
Dive.
518
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,317
Dip. Dive. Dodge.
519
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:52,516
I've got three weeks to whip you
suck-ass failure junkies into shape.
520
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:56,070
Come on. I get better runs in my shorts.
521
00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:01,595
Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out.
One of our guys comes back in.
522
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:04,797
That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.
523
00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,237
Let's go. A little hustle here.
524
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:17,792
That's really good, Peter.
525
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:25,478
Come on. Only 19 miles to go.
526
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:30,274
Attaboy.
527
00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:33,996
Next man.
528
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,117
Good luck to you, Gordon.
Remember it's 90% mental.
529
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:38,189
Okey-dokey.
530
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:42,353
If you can dodge traffic,
you can dodge a ball.
531
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:47,796
You got it, Gord.
532
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,437
- I'm fine. I'm OK.
- OK, there.
533
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,036
- Man.
- Wake up, Smithy.
534
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,878
Hell, son. You're about as useful
as a cock-flavoured lollipop.
535
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:16,869
Quick feet, fast hands.
536
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,837
Catch it and throw.
537
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:24,156
Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females.
538
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:30,478
Jesus. Gimme that.
539
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,717
You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.
540
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:37,633
Where's your killer instinct?
You gotta get angry.
541
00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:41,269
You gotta get mean.
That's the only way you can play.
542
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:44,554
I guess I'm not really an angry person.
543
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:51,240
Are you angry now?
544
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:56,075
- Breathe it out.
- Come on, let's get going here.
545
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:05,157
Little help?
546
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,673
What? Eight years of softball.
547
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,389
- Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.
548
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:23,074
All I know is that dyke can play.
549
00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:36,270
Come on, come on.
550
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:38,828
- Please.
- We need you. You're really good.
551
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:40,831
Owen'll be team manager if you play.
552
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:42,478
- I will?
- Shut up.
553
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:45,393
Look, I find White Goodman creepy,
just like you do...
554
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:47,789
All the more reason for you to join us.
555
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:51,031
Come on, Kate.
Time to put your mouth where our balls are.
556
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:55,238
Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It'd be a conflict of interest.
557
00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:57,836
Suit yourself.
558
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,515
All right, you heard Billie-Jean King.
No crying in the breast milk.
559
00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:03,795
We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.
560
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:10,995
We punch the pizza dough down,
and it's time to sauce it up.
561
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,071
Boy, is my mouth watering.
562
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:16,470
You want to put a big dollop
of that tangy red on the dough,
563
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,393
then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.
564
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,436
Sir, I need you to take a look at...
565
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,397
No. What...
566
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:28,031
What...
What have I said about knocking?
567
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:30,390
- Always knock.
- Sorry, sir.
568
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:35,713
What is so important that you need to
interrupt me in my private reflection period?
569
00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:38,231
These.
570
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:46,557
- They're getting better.
- Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell.
571
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:50,918
I'm through playing games. It's time
to end this square dance once and for all.
572
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,070
What about the girl? She can throw.
573
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:57,039
I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.
574
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,873
But rest assured, Me'Shell.
575
00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:05,273
There's no resisting when
White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.
576
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,436
- Who is it?
- It's White.
577
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,793
- Surprise.
- White.
578
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:36,998
What... What are you doing here?
579
00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:39,310
How do you know where I live?
580
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:41,595
It's called the Freedom of Information Act.
581
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:45,229
The hippies finally got something right.
Just kiddin'. Not really.
582
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:48,995
Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.
583
00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:53,751
- What is it?
- You're fired.
584
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:55,478
- I'm what?
- You're fired.
585
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:59,235
I told the bank that you were stealing
and drinking on the job. They bought it.
586
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:02,471
They signed some other
pencil pusher to my account.
587
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:04,710
Why would you do that?
588
00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:07,834
I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.
589
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,832
- You fired me so I'd date you?
- Yuh-huh.
590
00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:13,673
You are a crazy little man.
591
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:16,354
I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.
592
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:18,476
Yeah. Nausea.
593
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:21,836
If you don't leave in two seconds,
you'll know how that feels.
594
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:26,279
You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.
595
00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:28,957
I can be naughty, too.
596
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,949
Real, freakin' naughty.
597
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,396
- You a naughty freak?
- Need help leaving?
598
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,072
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
599
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:43,391
Not nearly as much as your hair does.
That's for sure.
600
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:47,109
But I believe she asked you to leave.
601
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:53,516
I get it. You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.
602
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:57,991
Pity. I'll let you have
your little moment, La Fleur,
603
00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:05,156
cos after this tournament, your gym,
your life and your gal are gonna be mine.
604
00:42:05,240 --> 00:42:07,310
All mine.
605
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:09,871
To be continued...
606
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:12,633
You don't get to touch me, ever.
607
00:42:12,720 --> 00:42:15,075
OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.
608
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:18,630
Get off me.
Don't you touch me.
609
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:23,552
It is over between us, Kate.
610
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,552
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.
Nobody.
611
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:43,511
- At least that wasn't weird.
- Yeah.
612
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:46,478
- Do I smell cookies?
- Hey.
613
00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:50,189
Dear Barbara.
614
00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,037
I like unicorns.
615
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,710
I know you said no to joining the team,
616
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:07,554
but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favour to me.
617
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:09,278
- Peter...
- Before you answer,
618
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:11,828
you should know you'd have
your own changing room.
619
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:14,036
- Really?
- Sort of.
620
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,395
And there's also this.
621
00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:20,310
- OK, what's this?
- I overdid.
622
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:26,195
Look at you. Two expired movie passes
623
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:30,637
and a coupon for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.
624
00:43:30,720 --> 00:43:35,236
- Play your cards right, could be a full body.
- Will you just stop, please?
625
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:39,199
I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.
626
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:42,829
I just want to see White Goodman's face
when we win that tournament.
627
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,195
- You're in?
- I'm in.
628
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:53,990
Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand,
broken dreams and $5 lobster.
629
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:57,675
A city where you can get a happy ending,
if you pay a little extra.
630
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:00,911
A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup,
631
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:05,312
World Series and World War II combined.
632
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:09,518
Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open
633
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,319
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho" -
634
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:16,996
bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.
635
00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:20,311
If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.
636
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:25,997
Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's
Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
637
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:29,231
brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
638
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:32,915
We're coming to you live from
the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.
639
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,797
My name is Cotton McKnight
640
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:38,589
and with me, as always,
is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.
641
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,477
Yeah. Cotton, hey.
642
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:45,793
Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means
four wins is gonna get you in the final match,
643
00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:49,190
the fifth win getting you
the 50K that everyone's chasing.
644
00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:50,269
Cotton.
645
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:55,480
There's an electricity in the air,
a palpable hue of anticipation.
646
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:58,916
Immortality - five simple victories away.
647
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:03,676
They've come from all over - Kathmandu
to Timbuktu, and all points in-between -
648
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:08,038
to compete in the one
true human test - dodgeball.
649
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:11,354
A reminder.
All players must be vaccinated
650
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:15,592
for cholera, syphilis and shingles
before play begins.
651
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:19,912
Again, dyslexic players
will not be allowed on the court.
652
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:24,278
Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor
for a first-round match.
653
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:27,591
Only ADAA balls will be used.
654
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:31,355
Personal balls of any kind
are strictly prohibited.
655
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:33,829
- Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?
656
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:38,311
Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.
657
00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:42,109
So I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.
658
00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:46,398
All right. Now we got our thing going on,
maybe we'll start smacking each other.
659
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:48,471
I hope everything fits.
660
00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:52,954
- Wait.
- Nice.
661
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:57,397
This isn't right.
This isn't what I ordered.
662
00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:04,749
- What's this?
- What the hell is that? This is screwed up.
663
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,513
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Don't worry.
664
00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:10,716
- We'll play in what we've got on.
- We can't.
665
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:13,473
ADAA rules require we wear
matching uniforms.
666
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:17,599
I don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK?
667
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:22,674
Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty
of time to find other uniforms before we play.
668
00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:26,116
Ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game.
669
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:29,909
Come on, let's go.
Let's see some movement. Chop-chop.
670
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:31,956
I don't see any movement. Let's go.
671
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:44,833
How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?
672
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:48,674
- That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot.
- Right you are.
673
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,115
Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.
674
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:54,476
The reigning European champ
hopes to extend their empire here.
675
00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:56,551
Appeasement be damned.
676
00:46:56,640 --> 00:46:59,837
Here comes
the relatively unknown challengers,
677
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:03,993
a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.
678
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:15,550
My sweet Jesus.
679
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:18,436
That's rad.
680
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,239
Hey, asshole, you guys suck.
681
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:24,114
Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.
682
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:26,794
Hi. We're all here and
683
00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:28,711
we are ready to play.
684
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:33,874
- OK.
- OK.
685
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:39,679
We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's
squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.
686
00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:42,479
I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.
687
00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:44,471
Average Joe's, ready.
688
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:46,437
Blitzkrieg, ready.
689
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:47,873
Dodgeball.
690
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:52,590
And we're under way. Average Joe's
versus the heavily favoured German team.
691
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:56,355
Of course, S&M gear first made
popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,
692
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:59,352
- from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit. You're out.
693
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:04,036
Leather and latex belong in the bedroom,
not on the dodgeball court.
694
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:09,353
Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.
695
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:14,197
Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated
and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.
696
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:23,760
This Average Joe's team
doesn't look up to snuff.
697
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:28,270
Midline infraction.
You went over the line, you're out.
698
00:48:28,360 --> 00:48:30,715
The Average Joe's catches a break there.
699
00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:34,236
The Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defence.
700
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:36,788
Good toss by the submissive out there.
701
00:48:36,880 --> 00:48:40,873
Just two players left for Joe...
Check that. Make it one.
702
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:43,758
Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.
703
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:47,954
It's all up to the only player
without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch.
704
00:48:49,080 --> 00:48:51,071
What a throw.
705
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:53,196
Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.
706
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:54,872
Yes.
707
00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:59,033
- Come on, Kate.
- You're the only man out there. Give it to 'em.
708
00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:04,194
Germans have a two-one advantage.
Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.
709
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:08,671
How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo.
Now Joe's has the upper hand.
710
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:10,637
- Great deflection.
- Take it to him.
711
00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:15,271
- He's ball-less now.
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton.
712
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:18,158
Winner. Average Joe's.
713
00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:21,909
My sweet dick, it's magic.
714
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,228
Hey, all right.
715
00:49:23,320 --> 00:49:28,758
My. The Germans losing in the first round
and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.
716
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,479
I feel shocked.
717
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:41,796
Losers.
718
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:55,478
You must be Daddy.
719
00:49:55,840 --> 00:49:59,992
Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball
pundits and made it to tomorrow's round
720
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,629
where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff,
the men from the boys,
721
00:50:03,720 --> 00:50:06,757
and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.
722
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:09,957
Don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.
723
00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:17,670
- What the hell.
- That guy's a dickhead.
724
00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:25,548
You wanted to see me, Patches?
725
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:30,309
You did good out there, real good.
You're a natural leader, La Fleur.
726
00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:33,392
Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
727
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:35,869
Kate's not a muff-diver.
728
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:39,591
Hey. That's for you.
729
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:44,037
- I can't accept this.
- You're a hell of a player, Peter.
730
00:50:44,120 --> 00:50:46,429
You earned it.
731
00:50:46,520 --> 00:50:51,230
I've got some hookers in my room.
What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
732
00:50:51,320 --> 00:50:54,437
No, thanks, I'll just stick
with the scarf, but thank you.
733
00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:56,511
Suit yourself, queer.
734
00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:08,112
- Sorry.
- Justin?
735
00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:10,794
Amber.
Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?
736
00:51:10,880 --> 00:51:15,829
- The National Cheerleading Championships.
- Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome.
737
00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:19,674
- We're in the finals tomorrow. And you?
- I'm in the dodgeball tournament.
738
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:24,311
These are my team-mates,
Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.
739
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:26,595
This is Amber.
740
00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:28,750
Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.
741
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:33,550
- Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man.
- Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.
742
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:39,033
- It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow.
- And also you. You look healthy... good.
743
00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:41,359
What?
744
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:44,318
Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.
745
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:47,710
He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone.
746
00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:50,360
- Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just saying, it happens.
747
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,908
My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead.
748
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:54,149
Thanks, man.
749
00:51:58,520 --> 00:52:01,398
Let's huddle up here.
We've got some work to do.
750
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:03,596
We got lucky in the first round.
751
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:07,150
We caught those dirty Krauts napping,
but that won't happen again,
752
00:52:07,240 --> 00:52:11,233
so blow out the horse hockey
and remember what I taught you.
753
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:17,509
Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low
and will someone catch a goddamned ball?
754
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:22,116
It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there.
755
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:25,988
Get it together.
Let's play some dodgeball.
756
00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:27,911
Hands in.
757
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:29,991
One, two, three, Joe's.
758
00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:33,750
- Average Joe's ready?
- Yes.
759
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:35,910
Lumberjacks, ready?
760
00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:36,989
Dodgeball.
761
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:40,516
Average Joe's has a tough job,
facing the Lumberjacks.
762
00:52:40,600 --> 00:52:44,036
These woodsmen probably haven't
even smelt a woman in eight months.
763
00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:46,839
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
764
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:49,514
- Clean hit. You're out.
- In the deer gut.
765
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:52,478
- Average Joe's looking tough.
- Yes.
766
00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:59,880
There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.
767
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:06,670
Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him.
That's all she wrote, folks.
768
00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:10,833
Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of
their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.
769
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:15,599
Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb
on the Kamikazes.
770
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:19,116
I don't know how they can play
in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
771
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:20,519
Peekaboo.
772
00:53:20,760 --> 00:53:23,672
White Goodman, employing
his patented peekaboo-style attack,
773
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:27,070
tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo.
774
00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:31,712
Is he gonna feel it tomorrow?
Right in his beak.
775
00:53:31,800 --> 00:53:36,555
A relentless Globo Gym attack led by
their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.
776
00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:39,598
It's gotta be the hair. It's beautiful.
777
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:43,958
Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.
778
00:53:45,120 --> 00:53:50,877
Globo Gym says, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto",
and breezes into the semifinals.
779
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:56,555
Skillz That Killz, ready?
Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball.
780
00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:59,916
Average Joe's planning
to playa hate Skillz That Killz,
781
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:02,309
the inner-city champs for five years straight.
782
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:06,916
Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing more dancing than dodgeballing.
783
00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:10,436
They better check themselves
before they wreck themselves.
784
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:15,514
Right you are, partner.
Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.
785
00:54:16,320 --> 00:54:18,914
Winner. Average Joe's.
786
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:23,710
And Average Joe's, not blinded by the
bling-bling, advances to the semifinal.
787
00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:30,557
Globo Gym's making mincemeat
of the Las Vegas Police Department.
788
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:32,312
That's gotta hurt.
789
00:54:34,360 --> 00:54:36,191
B-b-b-bull's-eye.
790
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:38,510
Winner. Globo Gym.
791
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:43,469
Sportsmanship be darned.
Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,
792
00:54:43,560 --> 00:54:46,028
and they're going to the finals.
793
00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:52,558
The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.
794
00:54:52,640 --> 00:54:57,794
Itjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner
of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.
795
00:54:57,880 --> 00:54:59,871
Right in the testicles.
796
00:54:59,960 --> 00:55:02,394
Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro.
797
00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:05,517
Average Joe's down to their final two players.
798
00:55:06,760 --> 00:55:08,910
La Fleur can't hold on.
He's gotta sit down.
799
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:11,878
- Time out. Gordy.
- Time out. Time out.
800
00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:13,833
Time. Time is out.
801
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:17,754
It looks like the clock is about to
strike midnight on this Cinderella story,
802
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:20,434
turning Average Joe's
into the proverbial pumpkin.
803
00:55:20,520 --> 00:55:22,909
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
804
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:27,670
You won't hit 'em. They're too good,
and you suck somethin' awful.
805
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:31,275
- Yes, sir. I do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry.
806
00:55:31,360 --> 00:55:34,909
- Roger that. OK.
- All right. Hands in.
807
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,309
- One, two, three.
- Joe's.
808
00:55:38,120 --> 00:55:41,078
You gotta get angry. Get angry now.
809
00:55:41,160 --> 00:55:45,711
Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars.
It's all over but the crying.
810
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:49,190
Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye.
811
00:56:01,920 --> 00:56:05,230
- Dodgeball.
- Let the dodgeball slaughter begin.
812
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:07,151
Good deflection there.
813
00:56:07,240 --> 00:56:09,390
Hang on. And another one.
814
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:11,948
Three balls at once. Who knew?
815
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:14,874
Four on one.
Pibb won't go down without a fight.
816
00:56:14,960 --> 00:56:17,269
That's it.
817
00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:20,352
- You're kidding me.
- He's callin' 'em out.
818
00:56:21,160 --> 00:56:23,151
Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?
819
00:56:23,240 --> 00:56:27,950
- Go, you crazy son of a bitch. Go.
- He's on the warpath.
820
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:32,514
Incredible. It's one on one.
821
00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:36,275
- I can't believe it.
- It's just not believable, Cotton.
822
00:56:44,120 --> 00:56:45,109
Winner.
823
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:48,512
Average Joe's wins.
824
00:56:48,600 --> 00:56:53,469
They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000.
825
00:56:53,560 --> 00:56:57,269
- That'll buy one heck of a pumpkin.
- Right you are, Pep.
826
00:56:57,360 --> 00:56:59,749
I never would have dreamed it possible.
827
00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:04,277
But with seven-time ADAA All-Star
Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,
828
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:07,079
I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.
829
00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:14,873
Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards.
830
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:15,710
Yeah.
831
00:57:15,800 --> 00:57:20,157
- You really think we can beat Globo Gym?
- As long as we got Patches, we got a shot.
832
00:57:26,880 --> 00:57:28,074
My God.
833
00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:32,794
Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.
834
00:57:32,880 --> 00:57:36,156
- What?
- What are we gonna do without Patches?
835
00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:38,310
We're gonna get our taints handed to us.
836
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:41,358
- What's a taint?
- I dunno. Sounds bad.
837
00:57:42,520 --> 00:57:45,671
Maybe you should
go say something to the guys.
838
00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:46,875
Yeah.
839
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:53,308
They don't make a "sorry your coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.
840
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,268
I'll be right back.
841
00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:08,999
What?
842
00:58:09,080 --> 00:58:14,074
We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico
City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.
843
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:19,470
Me'Shell was having some digestive
problems. I hope you don't mind.
844
00:58:19,560 --> 00:58:21,755
Will you shut that?
845
00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:24,400
For all of us, baby.
846
00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:32,557
So that's the deal. I give you $100,000,
you sign over the deed to your gym.
847
00:58:32,640 --> 00:58:34,312
Period.
848
00:58:34,400 --> 00:58:36,470
End o'story.
849
00:58:36,560 --> 00:58:41,680
You really think you can come here and buy
me out, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
850
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:47,153
Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought I'd think that I thought I was once.
851
00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:50,312
Look, Peter, I know what it's like.
852
00:58:50,400 --> 00:58:54,837
Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth,
we're really pretty much the same guy.
853
00:58:54,920 --> 00:58:58,469
We're both leaders. And I like
what you've done with the gym over there.
854
00:58:58,560 --> 00:59:03,270
I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK,
but that's OK" thing you got going.
855
00:59:03,360 --> 00:59:06,557
"You can be fat as long as
you're happy inside." It works.
856
00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:09,950
And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.
857
00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:11,951
You're their Fonzie, Pete.
858
00:59:12,040 --> 00:59:14,235
"Hey." Right?
859
00:59:16,240 --> 00:59:21,598
But do you really think it's fair for them
to put all that pressure on you? All the time?
860
00:59:22,520 --> 00:59:25,717
Looking to you to solve their every problem?
861
00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:27,358
I mean, come on.
862
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:31,433
I know you. You know you.
863
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:34,432
And I know you know that I know you.
864
00:59:34,520 --> 00:59:36,909
You're heading for a fall, Pete.
865
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:40,356
Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close.
866
00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:44,433
And when it does, they're gonna blame you.
867
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:49,794
I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000,
except maybe in the movies.
868
00:59:49,880 --> 00:59:53,634
But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.
869
00:59:56,520 --> 01:00:00,479
Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.
870
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:03,952
Take the money.
871
01:00:04,640 --> 01:00:09,316
Invest it in something.
Give it to charity, I don't care.
872
01:00:15,920 --> 01:00:17,990
Just sign the contract.
873
01:00:23,200 --> 01:00:26,078
Come on, guys. We got Peter.
874
01:00:26,160 --> 01:00:30,153
And they got guys named Laser and Blazer
and Taser, and all kinds of asers.
875
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:33,630
Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.
876
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:36,790
Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri.
877
01:00:36,880 --> 01:00:39,348
- Thanks, Ms Veatch.
- Nothing for me.
878
01:00:39,440 --> 01:00:43,513
- Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter.
- Let's not talk about tomorrow.
879
01:00:43,600 --> 01:00:46,956
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. It's a little complicated.
880
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:50,077
- But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah. Come on, tell us.
881
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:51,354
What's the plan?
882
01:00:51,440 --> 01:00:54,557
What do you guys want from me?
I don't have a plan for you.
883
01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:58,679
We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow
and we're probably gonna lose.
884
01:00:58,760 --> 01:01:04,198
It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that
through your head, the easier this will all be.
885
01:01:05,560 --> 01:01:08,028
Jesus Christ.
886
01:01:08,480 --> 01:01:10,550
He didn't mean that.
887
01:01:10,640 --> 01:01:14,713
- Is he being serious?
- He's probably just stressed out.
888
01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:17,553
I've never seen him like that.
889
01:01:19,560 --> 01:01:23,235
Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter...
890
01:01:23,320 --> 01:01:25,788
You are not a pirate.
891
01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:37,631
OK, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow, right?
892
01:01:44,960 --> 01:01:46,757
Dwight...
893
01:01:46,840 --> 01:01:51,675
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink...
894
01:01:51,760 --> 01:01:53,478
in the bathroom.
895
01:01:53,560 --> 01:01:56,074
Whatever you do, wash your hands.
896
01:02:06,040 --> 01:02:08,600
Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if...
897
01:02:08,680 --> 01:02:11,114
You are the one who stares at me.
898
01:02:11,200 --> 01:02:13,475
Why is this?
899
01:02:13,560 --> 01:02:17,997
Because I think you're
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
900
01:02:24,120 --> 01:02:26,429
Watch it, freak.
901
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:40,949
Go back to Treasure Island.
902
01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:43,395
Fag.
903
01:02:43,480 --> 01:02:45,471
Screw you.
904
01:02:57,280 --> 01:03:00,989
Katie, bar the door.
It's time for the championship match
905
01:03:01,080 --> 01:03:03,389
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
906
01:03:03,480 --> 01:03:07,359
We've seen it all here, folks.
Grit, determination, incontinence.
907
01:03:07,440 --> 01:03:09,908
And it's all come down to this -
a Cinderella story.
908
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:14,596
Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to
drive their vorpal blade snicker-snack
909
01:03:14,680 --> 01:03:18,559
into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky
that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras,
910
01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:22,315
and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.
911
01:03:22,400 --> 01:03:26,359
Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for.
912
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:30,115
A David-and-Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.
913
01:03:30,200 --> 01:03:34,159
The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
914
01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:38,398
Peter?
915
01:03:40,640 --> 01:03:42,198
Peter?
916
01:03:42,280 --> 01:03:44,748
Hello?
917
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:46,114
Peter?
918
01:03:46,200 --> 01:03:48,919
Come on, everybody headed down...
919
01:03:58,040 --> 01:03:59,871
So what happens on a double fault?
920
01:03:59,960 --> 01:04:05,114
On a double fault you go to sudden-death
elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113-D.
921
01:04:05,200 --> 01:04:07,839
- Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up.
922
01:04:11,680 --> 01:04:13,033
Justin.
923
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:17,113
- I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Really? I mean, why? What's up?
924
01:04:17,200 --> 01:04:21,193
Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.
925
01:04:21,280 --> 01:04:22,679
My God, that's awful.
926
01:04:22,760 --> 01:04:26,196
We were the centre Kewpie. With no
centre Kewpie we can't do our routine.
927
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:29,192
- No. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.
928
01:04:29,280 --> 01:04:30,872
What?
929
01:04:30,960 --> 01:04:32,951
No, no, no, no, no. I can't.
930
01:04:33,040 --> 01:04:36,749
Please. You are the only one in Las Vegas
who knows our routine.
931
01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:42,198
- The dodgeball championship's at noon.
- You'll be back in time. I promise.
932
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:46,712
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes.
933
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:48,836
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No. No time.
934
01:04:48,920 --> 01:04:50,512
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No time.
935
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:57,110
Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today.
No one is giving them much of a chance.
936
01:04:57,200 --> 01:04:58,952
What do you think, Pep?
937
01:04:59,040 --> 01:05:01,110
I spoke to White Goodman before the match
938
01:05:01,200 --> 01:05:06,115
and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.
939
01:05:06,200 --> 01:05:09,476
Right. And the stage is set for
Darwin's cruellest play to unfold.
940
01:05:09,560 --> 01:05:13,189
So don't go anywhere, folks.
The Schadenfreude is about to begin.
941
01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:17,432
- I don't understand. Why would Peter leave?
- He knows we're gonna get killed.
942
01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:22,594
Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter
left, but we can do this without him.
943
01:05:22,680 --> 01:05:25,752
We just have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.
944
01:05:25,840 --> 01:05:29,116
- OK, yeah.
- Great. But we'll still be two players short.
945
01:05:29,200 --> 01:05:33,159
We're still missing the teenage love-puppy
and Steve the Pirate.
946
01:05:33,240 --> 01:05:35,595
Who's Steve the Pirate?
947
01:05:35,680 --> 01:05:39,389
The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.
948
01:05:39,480 --> 01:05:43,473
Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?
949
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:52,429
And now, let's hear it for the West Davenport
High School Charging Donkeys.
950
01:05:52,520 --> 01:05:54,511
Donkeys.
951
01:06:18,120 --> 01:06:19,678
Go, Donkeys.
952
01:06:22,400 --> 01:06:25,312
- We did it.
- Holy cow. My God.
953
01:06:25,400 --> 01:06:28,631
- It was perfect. You were perfect.
- God, I gotta go.
954
01:06:28,720 --> 01:06:30,915
Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy?
955
01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:33,673
I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win.
956
01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:52,109
Now I'm going.
957
01:06:56,920 --> 01:07:01,471
Here come the Purple Cobras,
led by White Goodman. All business.
958
01:07:01,560 --> 01:07:04,996
We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.
They haven't made it to the court.
959
01:07:05,080 --> 01:07:08,470
It could be a psychological ploy,
or something worse.
960
01:07:08,560 --> 01:07:12,792
They're definitely not on the court, Cotton.
Their absence is noticeable.
961
01:07:12,880 --> 01:07:17,476
We'll be right back
after these words from our sponsors...
962
01:07:19,080 --> 01:07:21,310
Can I get a bottle of water?
963
01:07:23,720 --> 01:07:25,950
Aren't you Peter La Fleur?
964
01:07:26,960 --> 01:07:30,555
- Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
965
01:07:30,640 --> 01:07:34,349
- Really?
- Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball.
966
01:07:34,440 --> 01:07:39,230
I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.
967
01:07:39,840 --> 01:07:43,116
I think you better hurry up
or you're gonna be late.
968
01:07:43,200 --> 01:07:47,512
- Actually, I decided to quit, Lance.
- Quit?
969
01:07:48,320 --> 01:07:54,190
Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain,
lung and testicular cancer at the same time.
970
01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:57,553
But with the support of my friends
I got back on the bike
971
01:07:57,640 --> 01:08:00,234
and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.
972
01:08:00,320 --> 01:08:04,199
But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.
973
01:08:04,280 --> 01:08:07,670
What are you dying from
that's keepin' you from the finals?
974
01:08:07,760 --> 01:08:11,799
Right now, it feels a little bit like shame.
975
01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:17,477
If people never quit when the going got tough
they'd have nothing to regret all their lives.
976
01:08:17,560 --> 01:08:22,350
Good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.
977
01:08:28,560 --> 01:08:32,473
Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy."
978
01:08:32,560 --> 01:08:36,599
- No. Not ringing any bells.
- Forget it, man.
979
01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:40,798
We'll play with four people. It's not
an advantage. Can't you bend the rules?
980
01:08:40,880 --> 01:08:45,078
There's nothing I can do. Rules are rules.
You don't have enough players.
981
01:08:45,160 --> 01:08:49,039
Inform the committee and Mr Goodman
about Average Joe's forfeit.
982
01:08:49,120 --> 01:08:52,271
- Yes, sir.
- Better luck next year.
983
01:08:53,880 --> 01:08:55,393
Excuse me.
984
01:08:55,480 --> 01:08:58,790
Sorry I'm late. You won't believe
whatjust happened. Hey, guys.
985
01:08:58,880 --> 01:09:01,553
You're just in time to help us forfeit.
986
01:09:01,640 --> 01:09:03,631
Forfeit? Why?
987
01:09:05,440 --> 01:09:08,512
Well, I don't know what to tell you, but...
988
01:09:08,600 --> 01:09:12,479
Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough players
989
01:09:12,560 --> 01:09:15,393
and will be forfeiting
the championship match.
990
01:09:15,480 --> 01:09:18,438
It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
991
01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:23,992
To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre
presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor.
992
01:09:24,080 --> 01:09:27,709
Ladies and gentlemen,
by the power vested in me
993
01:09:27,800 --> 01:09:32,828
by our governing body, the American
Dodgeball Association of America,
994
01:09:32,920 --> 01:09:37,436
and in concurrence with our sponsors,
Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks,
995
01:09:37,520 --> 01:09:39,590
it gives me great pleasure
996
01:09:39,680 --> 01:09:44,390
to declare the winner of this year's
Las Vegas International Tournament to be...
997
01:09:44,480 --> 01:09:46,630
Wait. He's here.
998
01:09:50,920 --> 01:09:53,593
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
999
01:09:53,680 --> 01:09:55,716
We're ready to play, Your Honour.
1000
01:09:55,800 --> 01:10:00,555
Too late. Your lovable band of losers already
forfeited. The trophy and money are mine.
1001
01:10:00,640 --> 01:10:03,996
He's right. The team already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.
1002
01:10:04,080 --> 01:10:06,640
Facial, La Fleur. Total facial.
1003
01:10:07,760 --> 01:10:09,557
Actually, that's not true.
1004
01:10:09,640 --> 01:10:13,758
The committee can overrule the chancellor -
that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote.
1005
01:10:13,840 --> 01:10:16,070
He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.
1006
01:10:18,160 --> 01:10:20,674
- It's a bylaw.
- What's a bylaw?
1007
01:10:21,640 --> 01:10:25,076
- Hang on a second here, folks.
- Let them play.
1008
01:10:25,160 --> 01:10:28,914
We mightjust have a championship game yet.
1009
01:10:29,000 --> 01:10:31,958
Listen to this crowd.
1010
01:10:32,040 --> 01:10:34,156
Unbelievable.
1011
01:10:34,240 --> 01:10:39,360
Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but
the committee members have the final say.
1012
01:10:39,440 --> 01:10:42,557
And it looks like they've come to a decision.
1013
01:10:42,640 --> 01:10:45,313
Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play.
1014
01:10:45,400 --> 01:10:48,676
- There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's.
- Please.
1015
01:10:48,760 --> 01:10:51,832
- Let's see how our second judge votes.
- Thank you.
1016
01:10:51,920 --> 01:10:58,792
Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their
fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.
1017
01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:02,236
Thumbs up. Average Joe's can play.
1018
01:11:02,320 --> 01:11:05,471
That is pure poppycock.
You're gonna let them do that?
1019
01:11:05,560 --> 01:11:08,916
- Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.
1020
01:11:10,640 --> 01:11:14,155
All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match.
1021
01:11:14,240 --> 01:11:16,231
Good luck, White.
1022
01:11:17,680 --> 01:11:20,752
Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur.
1023
01:11:20,840 --> 01:11:24,150
Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.
1024
01:11:24,240 --> 01:11:26,231
Whatever.
1025
01:11:28,120 --> 01:11:31,192
- Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
1026
01:11:31,280 --> 01:11:34,078
What? I got a plan.
1027
01:11:35,920 --> 01:11:41,711
Let's play smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover
closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto?
1028
01:11:41,800 --> 01:11:43,916
- "Aim low".
- That's right.
1029
01:11:44,000 --> 01:11:46,878
All I'm asking is that
you give it your best for Patches.
1030
01:11:46,960 --> 01:11:51,078
I say we go out there, let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.
1031
01:11:51,160 --> 01:11:53,720
I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
1032
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:57,679
- Put 'em in. One, two, three.
- Joe's.
1033
01:12:20,360 --> 01:12:22,555
Globo Gym, ready?
1034
01:12:22,640 --> 01:12:25,438
Average Joe's, ready?
1035
01:12:27,640 --> 01:12:28,595
Dodgeball.
1036
01:12:28,680 --> 01:12:33,913
Championship match is under way.
Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath.
1037
01:12:35,160 --> 01:12:37,799
Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.
1038
01:12:39,080 --> 01:12:42,197
White Goodman's hit,
but that ball's up for grabs. And...
1039
01:12:42,280 --> 01:12:44,157
- It's caught.
- That's a catch.
1040
01:12:44,240 --> 01:12:47,676
- You're out, La Fleur.
- Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down.
1041
01:12:47,760 --> 01:12:50,877
And Joe's has lost
their two best players early.
1042
01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:53,310
Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard.
1043
01:12:53,400 --> 01:12:55,960
Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome.
1044
01:12:56,040 --> 01:12:57,951
You're mine next time.
1045
01:13:01,160 --> 01:13:05,950
Right in the tokus.
2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating.
1046
01:13:09,840 --> 01:13:12,195
- Hi.
- Hey.
1047
01:13:14,000 --> 01:13:16,673
- You're out.
- I don't know what that was,
1048
01:13:16,760 --> 01:13:21,356
but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.
1049
01:13:21,440 --> 01:13:24,352
Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three.
1050
01:13:24,440 --> 01:13:25,998
Get out.
1051
01:13:26,080 --> 01:13:28,355
Gordo. Lose your temper. Get mad.
1052
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:34,233
White Goodman with a catch. Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.
1053
01:13:34,320 --> 01:13:36,038
You're out, four-eyes.
1054
01:13:36,120 --> 01:13:40,398
Well, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest
member. He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.
1055
01:13:40,480 --> 01:13:42,118
Word, Cotton.
1056
01:13:42,200 --> 01:13:47,354
Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid
mongoose wouldn't have a chance now.
1057
01:13:47,440 --> 01:13:50,079
- Nice dodge.
- Stay alive. Stay alive.
1058
01:13:52,080 --> 01:13:54,389
They're just toying with the young man now.
1059
01:13:54,480 --> 01:13:57,313
He's gotta avoid getting hit. That's the key.
1060
01:13:57,400 --> 01:13:59,152
Justin, let's go.
1061
01:14:00,320 --> 01:14:01,799
What a great catch.
1062
01:14:01,880 --> 01:14:05,111
And another.
Peter La Fleur comes back into the game.
1063
01:14:05,200 --> 01:14:09,079
Just like that, a three-player swing.
Joe's isn't done yet.
1064
01:14:09,160 --> 01:14:10,718
Justin.
1065
01:14:10,800 --> 01:14:13,268
I love you.
1066
01:14:13,360 --> 01:14:15,191
I love you t...
1067
01:14:15,880 --> 01:14:17,836
Joanie loves Chachi.
1068
01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:21,515
Two players left on each side.
What a match. What a sport.
1069
01:14:22,120 --> 01:14:27,592
Throw out the rule book, folks,
it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball.
1070
01:14:29,240 --> 01:14:32,915
Look out. La Fleur goes down -
he's a sitting duck.
1071
01:14:37,800 --> 01:14:43,716
How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the
bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice.
1072
01:14:43,800 --> 01:14:48,555
As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.
1073
01:14:49,320 --> 01:14:51,880
A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.
1074
01:14:51,960 --> 01:14:56,476
- That's court misconduct. That's a warning.
- Come on. Gimme a break.
1075
01:14:57,560 --> 01:14:59,039
- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
1076
01:14:59,120 --> 01:15:01,509
- Jesus. Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
1077
01:15:01,600 --> 01:15:04,637
- It was an accident. I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.
1078
01:15:04,720 --> 01:15:07,632
We're sweating like greased monkeys.
I can't hold on to a ball.
1079
01:15:07,720 --> 01:15:10,837
Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You gotta get off the court.
1080
01:15:10,920 --> 01:15:12,638
Watch him, man.
1081
01:15:12,720 --> 01:15:14,950
- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?
1082
01:15:15,040 --> 01:15:16,758
Kick his ass.
1083
01:15:17,320 --> 01:15:20,357
- Here's the restart.
- Players, to your positions.
1084
01:15:20,440 --> 01:15:24,752
Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a m�nage � trois of pain.
1085
01:15:24,840 --> 01:15:28,435
Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.
1086
01:15:30,320 --> 01:15:33,915
You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.
1087
01:15:34,000 --> 01:15:36,230
Ready? Dodgeball.
1088
01:15:36,320 --> 01:15:41,235
It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks.
Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot.
1089
01:15:44,560 --> 01:15:46,994
He gets the elimination.
1090
01:15:48,160 --> 01:15:53,678
My. Globo Gym wins.
A Cinderella story cast asunder.
1091
01:15:53,760 --> 01:15:57,719
Average Joe's has come all this way
for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
1092
01:15:57,800 --> 01:16:00,439
They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.
1093
01:16:01,560 --> 01:16:05,519
No elimination. Double fault.
You stepped over the line on the throw.
1094
01:16:05,600 --> 01:16:09,479
What? You gotta be out of your mind.
That is the worst call I've ever seen.
1095
01:16:09,560 --> 01:16:13,758
I'm out here busting my butt and you come in
with a bush-league call like that? Bullcrap.
1096
01:16:13,840 --> 01:16:18,675
ADAA Continuation Rule 113-D, sir.
Sudden death.
1097
01:16:18,760 --> 01:16:20,159
All right. Bring it.
1098
01:16:20,240 --> 01:16:23,550
I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death.
1099
01:16:23,640 --> 01:16:25,312
Well, let me tell you,
1100
01:16:25,400 --> 01:16:30,997
a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't
occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919,
1101
01:16:31,080 --> 01:16:33,719
and I think we all remember
how that turned out.
1102
01:16:33,800 --> 01:16:40,194
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest
happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball.
1103
01:16:40,280 --> 01:16:42,589
Pepper needs new shorts.
1104
01:16:44,520 --> 01:16:47,637
White, Peter, this is sudden death.
1105
01:16:48,080 --> 01:16:53,438
Only striking an opposing player eliminates
them. Catching the ball does nothing.
1106
01:16:53,520 --> 01:16:57,354
Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.
1107
01:16:57,440 --> 01:17:01,956
You may throw any time after my call.
Understood?
1108
01:17:02,840 --> 01:17:06,515
OK. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.
1109
01:17:07,000 --> 01:17:09,798
This is it, La Loser.
1110
01:17:11,200 --> 01:17:14,749
You ready for the hurricane?
1111
01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:19,395
Just don't go cryin' to mama when
I spank you in front of all these people.
1112
01:17:20,520 --> 01:17:25,355
You don't go crying to your daddy
after I wipe it up with your face.
1113
01:17:26,920 --> 01:17:29,718
- White?
- Yeah?
1114
01:17:29,800 --> 01:17:34,237
- You look awful fat in those pants.
- Players, to your positions.
1115
01:17:34,320 --> 01:17:37,949
This is about gamesmanship.
Throw early and you're defenceless.
1116
01:17:38,040 --> 01:17:43,876
Throw late and you're eliminated.
Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.
1117
01:17:43,960 --> 01:17:46,952
This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.
1118
01:17:47,040 --> 01:17:49,998
Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A.
1119
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:53,751
Come on, talk to me.
1120
01:17:55,280 --> 01:17:57,430
Listen up, crotch stain.
1121
01:17:57,520 --> 01:18:01,718
Remember your training
and trust your instincts.
1122
01:18:01,800 --> 01:18:04,473
You can do it. I believe in you.
1123
01:18:07,280 --> 01:18:08,998
Bye-bye.
1124
01:18:09,080 --> 01:18:10,069
Right.
1125
01:18:10,160 --> 01:18:12,958
Players, turn and step in.
1126
01:18:28,080 --> 01:18:30,548
What the hell's he doing?
1127
01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:33,154
I don't know.
1128
01:18:35,200 --> 01:18:36,394
Get a load of this guy.
1129
01:18:36,480 --> 01:18:40,109
In 23 years of broadcasting
I thought I'd seen it all, folks.
1130
01:18:40,200 --> 01:18:43,954
But it looks like Peter La Fleur
has actually blindfolded himself.
1131
01:18:44,040 --> 01:18:46,713
He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
1132
01:18:55,880 --> 01:18:58,348
Ready?
1133
01:19:02,960 --> 01:19:05,315
Dodgeball.
1134
01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:13,275
Goodbye, Peter.
1135
01:19:13,360 --> 01:19:16,079
I always knew you were weak.
1136
01:19:19,440 --> 01:19:22,113
Air Goodman, comin' at ya.
1137
01:19:29,640 --> 01:19:32,632
Down goes Goodman.
Down goes Goodman.
1138
01:19:32,720 --> 01:19:35,917
Winner. Average Joe's.
1139
01:19:39,240 --> 01:19:42,789
Do you believe in unlikelihoods?
1140
01:19:42,880 --> 01:19:45,997
Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world
1141
01:19:46,080 --> 01:19:50,119
and upsetting Globo Gym
in the championship match.
1142
01:19:50,200 --> 01:19:51,519
Unbelievable.
1143
01:19:51,600 --> 01:19:55,878
I have been to the Great Wall of China.
I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt.
1144
01:19:55,960 --> 01:19:58,474
I've even witnessed a grown man
satisfy a camel.
1145
01:19:58,560 --> 01:20:00,790
But never in all my years as a sportscaster
1146
01:20:00,880 --> 01:20:05,829
have I witnessed something as improbable,
as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.
1147
01:20:05,920 --> 01:20:10,516
The little team that could, Average Joe's
Gymnasium, underdogs throughout,
1148
01:20:10,600 --> 01:20:15,276
stand before us, aglow,
as true dodgeball champions.
1149
01:20:15,360 --> 01:20:19,831
On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America,
1150
01:20:19,920 --> 01:20:24,232
it is my honour to present to you
this cheque for $50,000.
1151
01:20:30,240 --> 01:20:33,198
What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.
1152
01:20:33,280 --> 01:20:37,592
You signed your gym over to me last night,
remember? You lost, I won.
1153
01:20:37,680 --> 01:20:39,750
Suck failure, freaks.
1154
01:20:39,840 --> 01:20:42,957
Peter, is that true?
1155
01:20:43,040 --> 01:20:44,951
Yeah, it's true.
1156
01:20:45,040 --> 01:20:48,237
It's true I sold Average Joe's to White.
1157
01:20:48,320 --> 01:20:50,675
It's true that every man has his price.
1158
01:20:50,760 --> 01:20:55,550
And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.
1159
01:20:55,640 --> 01:20:59,838
- Now he's a philosophiser.
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.
1160
01:21:00,920 --> 01:21:03,229
Your winnings, Mr La Fleur.
Congratulations.
1161
01:21:03,320 --> 01:21:07,199
- Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you.
- What is that? What winnings?
1162
01:21:07,280 --> 01:21:11,751
Gosh, I totally forgot to tell you. I took the
$100,000 bribe that you gave me last night,
1163
01:21:11,840 --> 01:21:14,798
and I put it on us to win.
We were going off at 50-1.
1164
01:21:14,880 --> 01:21:18,156
Anyone? Top of your head?
What's 50 times $100,000?
1165
01:21:18,240 --> 01:21:19,593
$50,000?
1166
01:21:19,680 --> 01:21:23,593
$5 million. Peter, are you kidding me?
1167
01:21:23,680 --> 01:21:25,750
Surprise.
1168
01:21:28,920 --> 01:21:33,835
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell
you your gym back for all King Midas's silver.
1169
01:21:33,920 --> 01:21:38,596
The gym is mine. So you can take your band
of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here.
1170
01:21:38,680 --> 01:21:41,513
You're right. I can't make you
sell Average Joe's to me.
1171
01:21:41,600 --> 01:21:45,275
So I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.
1172
01:21:45,360 --> 01:21:49,433
- Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
- That's preposterous. I'd never allow it.
1173
01:21:49,520 --> 01:21:53,149
Globo Gym is a publicly traded company.
There's nothing you can do about it.
1174
01:21:53,240 --> 01:21:58,473
So I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns,
1175
01:21:58,560 --> 01:22:02,553
which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym.
1176
01:22:03,880 --> 01:22:05,279
I'm your new boss, White.
1177
01:22:05,360 --> 01:22:08,636
You can't be my boss. Nobody can.
I'm my own boss. I created myself.
1178
01:22:08,720 --> 01:22:11,792
- You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me.
1179
01:22:12,320 --> 01:22:15,278
You're going down, La Fleur,
like a sweet muffin.
1180
01:22:15,360 --> 01:22:18,830
- Another time, another time.
- You suck, La Fleur.
1181
01:22:20,640 --> 01:22:22,631
Give me that.
1182
01:22:25,400 --> 01:22:27,868
Man, the blindfold was crazy.
1183
01:22:29,320 --> 01:22:31,834
Peter.
1184
01:22:31,920 --> 01:22:34,388
Look. It's Steve the Pirate.
1185
01:22:37,880 --> 01:22:42,874
I just wanted to tell you
that I thought about what you said, and
1186
01:22:43,880 --> 01:22:46,110
I guess you're right.
1187
01:22:46,200 --> 01:22:48,475
I'm not really a pirate.
1188
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:52,228
I don't know, Steve.
1189
01:22:52,320 --> 01:22:54,436
If you're not a pirate,
1190
01:22:54,520 --> 01:22:58,229
who the hell am I gonna split
all that buried treasure with?
1191
01:23:03,160 --> 01:23:04,957
Peter...
1192
01:23:05,040 --> 01:23:06,837
Gar, Steve.
1193
01:23:12,160 --> 01:23:13,752
We missed you.
1194
01:23:16,640 --> 01:23:18,232
Hey, you.
1195
01:23:18,320 --> 01:23:20,311
Hey, you.
1196
01:23:21,960 --> 01:23:23,916
- Joyce?
- Kate.
1197
01:23:24,360 --> 01:23:28,638
- I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an early flight. I wouldn't miss this.
1198
01:23:28,720 --> 01:23:30,915
You are amazing.
1199
01:23:34,440 --> 01:23:38,831
- I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.
1200
01:23:39,320 --> 01:23:42,312
Hey. I'm not a lesbian.
1201
01:23:42,400 --> 01:23:43,992
You're not?
1202
01:23:44,080 --> 01:23:45,559
No.
1203
01:23:45,640 --> 01:23:47,995
I'm bisexual.
1204
01:23:49,560 --> 01:23:51,391
Snap.
1205
01:23:51,960 --> 01:23:55,316
All right, everybody. Smile big.
1206
01:24:00,000 --> 01:24:03,754
Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur,
owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym.
1207
01:24:03,840 --> 01:24:07,355
I'm here to tell you
you're perfectjust the way you are.
1208
01:24:07,440 --> 01:24:12,912
But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin'
healthier, and makin' friends in the process,
1209
01:24:13,000 --> 01:24:14,752
Joe's is the place for you.
1210
01:24:14,840 --> 01:24:18,150
Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.
1211
01:24:18,240 --> 01:24:22,916
So come on down and learn a great game the
way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
1212
01:24:23,000 --> 01:24:24,991
Right.
1213
01:24:34,120 --> 01:24:36,156
Spare me.
1214
01:24:36,240 --> 01:24:38,629
I won that tournament.
1215
01:24:41,200 --> 01:24:43,919
Fucking Chuck Norris.
1216
01:24:45,920 --> 01:24:47,911
Visiontext Subtitles:
Julie Clayton & Rob Colling
1217
01:24:48,160 --> 01:24:50,151
ENGLISH
1218
01:27:41,880 --> 01:27:44,917
Yeah. I hope you're all happy now.
1219
01:27:45,000 --> 01:27:47,434
Good guy wins, bad guy loses.
1220
01:27:47,520 --> 01:27:49,988
Big friggin' surprise.
1221
01:27:51,040 --> 01:27:52,951
I love happy endings.
1222
01:27:55,840 --> 01:28:00,038
You know, that's the problem
with the American cinema.
1223
01:28:00,120 --> 01:28:02,509
Can't handle any complexity in it, you know?
1224
01:28:02,600 --> 01:28:06,639
"Don't make me think,
I just wanna be entertained."
1225
01:28:06,720 --> 01:28:08,551
All right, fine.
1226
01:28:08,640 --> 01:28:12,155
You want a little somethin'-somethin'
for the ride home?
1227
01:28:12,240 --> 01:28:14,629
Check these boots out for size.
1228
01:28:16,400 --> 01:28:18,516
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1229
01:28:18,600 --> 01:28:20,670
And they're like, "It's better than yours"
1230
01:28:20,760 --> 01:28:22,637
Damn right, it's better than yours
1231
01:28:22,720 --> 01:28:25,280
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1232
01:28:26,280 --> 01:28:30,273
What the boys go crazy for
1233
01:28:31,560 --> 01:28:32,675
They lose their minds
1234
01:28:32,760 --> 01:28:35,035
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1235
01:28:35,120 --> 01:28:36,838
Damn right, it's better than yours
1236
01:28:36,920 --> 01:28:40,390
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1237
01:28:42,040 --> 01:28:44,998
You happy? Fatty make a funny?