1
00:00:02,325 --> 00:00:07,786
Should auld acquaintance be forgot

2
00:00:07,864 --> 00:00:13,131
And never brought
to mind

3
00:00:13,203 --> 00:00:18,106
-Should auld acquaintance--
We used to
have 50 on staff here. Fifty.

4
00:00:18,175 --> 00:00:20,166
I'm the only one left.

5
00:00:20,243 --> 00:00:22,507
All comes down
to one schmuck:

6
00:00:22,579 --> 00:00:25,878
me, the night shift bellhop.

7
00:00:25,949 --> 00:00:31,148
What the hell is that?
A bellhop? Huh? What is he?

8
00:00:31,221 --> 00:00:33,689
Y-You know where
the name comes from?

9
00:00:33,757 --> 00:00:37,921
Huh?
It's so simple, it's stupid.

10
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:40,519
Some schmuck rings a bell
and ya hop.

11
00:00:40,597 --> 00:00:42,861
Ya hop front and center.

12
00:00:42,933 --> 00:00:44,992
Did you ever meet
any of the old stars, then?

13
00:00:45,068 --> 00:00:50,165
What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin
Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes.

14
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:53,038
Ah, hey, you talk
about stars, uh--

15
00:00:53,109 --> 00:00:55,737
Hey, kid,

16
00:00:55,812 --> 00:00:57,746
put this on.

17
00:00:57,814 --> 00:01:00,783
Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead.
Come on, come on, come on.

18
00:01:00,850 --> 00:01:03,546
Let me see. Let me see.

19
00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:07,420
You know, and to think that I wore
that stupid thing for 50 years.

20
00:01:07,490 --> 00:01:11,449
To think
I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.

21
00:01:11,528 --> 00:01:14,463
Yeah, well--
Well, kid,

22
00:01:14,531 --> 00:01:16,556
I'm gettin'
my ass outta here.

23
00:01:18,468 --> 00:01:20,800
Yep.

24
00:01:20,870 --> 00:01:23,532
Yep, kid,

25
00:01:23,607 --> 00:01:25,905
gotta go.

26
00:01:25,976 --> 00:01:28,444
Listen, kid,

27
00:01:28,511 --> 00:01:30,877
stay clear of...

28
00:01:30,947 --> 00:01:35,441
night clerks, kids,
hookers and married arguments.

29
00:01:35,518 --> 00:01:38,282
Come on, stand up. Come on.
I wanna say good-bye.

30
00:01:38,355 --> 00:01:40,323
Now, uh--

31
00:01:40,390 --> 00:01:42,620
Let me see.
You-You wanna get a tip?

32
00:01:42,692 --> 00:01:48,221
Hold your hand out.
That's right. Now, uh, smile.

33
00:01:48,298 --> 00:01:50,994
Give me a smile. Give me
a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

34
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:53,092
Now, if the cocksucker
doesn't pay ya,

35
00:01:53,169 --> 00:01:56,297
you say to yourself, uh,
""Fuck you, Jack.""

36
00:01:56,373 --> 00:01:59,809
You know what I mean?
You never miss.

37
00:01:59,876 --> 00:02:02,242
Tell you something else:

38
00:02:02,312 --> 00:02:04,974
Keep your cock in your pants.

39
00:06:28,811 --> 00:06:30,836
May I help you?

40
00:06:30,914 --> 00:06:32,677
I have a reservation.

41
00:06:36,152 --> 00:06:38,086
ln the honeymoon suite.

42
00:06:50,833 --> 00:06:53,529
Kiva.
Wait up.

43
00:06:54,804 --> 00:06:57,034
What'd I tell you
about smoking?

44
00:06:57,106 --> 00:06:59,904
You smoke.
That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.

45
00:06:59,976 --> 00:07:02,968
So, welcome to this week's edition
of ""Who is a Hypocrite?""

46
00:07:03,046 --> 00:07:05,742
This is my first guest.
That's enough, Kiva.

47
00:07:05,815 --> 00:07:07,976
You're not my mother.
Yes, I am.

48
00:07:08,051 --> 00:07:10,952
Then why are we
sleeping together?

49
00:07:12,488 --> 00:07:14,718
Ahh.

50
00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:16,725
Mmm.

51
00:07:18,628 --> 00:07:20,892
Yes.

52
00:07:55,031 --> 00:07:57,761
Thank you.

53
00:07:57,834 --> 00:08:00,962
Oh, you little stinker

54
00:08:01,037 --> 00:08:04,029
Oh, you sweet
little muffin

55
00:08:04,107 --> 00:08:07,099
Yes, Mama loves
the baby.

56
00:08:13,683 --> 00:08:15,617
Hello.

57
00:08:15,685 --> 00:08:18,051
I'm lookin' for the room
for makin' love.

58
00:08:18,121 --> 00:08:20,851
Oh, right. You must mean
the honeymoon suite.

59
00:08:20,923 --> 00:08:24,620
Well, it's straight
that way. Can't miss it.
Uh-huh. I know where it is.

60
00:08:24,694 --> 00:08:28,960
I just wanted you to know
that I know where I'm goin',
so you needn't bother with me.

61
00:08:29,032 --> 00:08:32,331
Well, no problem.
Where's your luggage?

62
00:08:32,402 --> 00:08:35,394
I travel light.

63
00:08:49,919 --> 00:08:54,015
Tell me, how long have
the others been here?

64
00:08:54,090 --> 00:08:56,081
About an hour.

65
00:08:56,159 --> 00:08:58,093
One hour.

66
00:09:19,615 --> 00:09:22,607
You're very late, Eva.

67
00:09:22,685 --> 00:09:26,553
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a
birth. The placenta was late in coming.

68
00:09:26,622 --> 00:09:30,388
Which birth is more important
to you, Eva: that of a mortal,

69
00:09:30,460 --> 00:09:32,553
or that of a goddess?

70
00:09:32,628 --> 00:09:34,596
Will there be
anything else, ladies?

71
00:09:34,664 --> 00:09:38,100
Wait.
We do need some things.

72
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:42,194
We need... fresh rosemary
from the kitchen.

73
00:09:42,271 --> 00:09:44,205
Mostly what we need
is from the kitchen.

74
00:09:44,273 --> 00:09:47,299
Hey. Are you listening?

75
00:09:47,376 --> 00:09:49,310
Rosemary.

76
00:09:49,378 --> 00:09:51,642
We need sea salt,
a little bit of sea salt.

77
00:09:51,714 --> 00:09:53,739
Or kosher salt,
if you have no sea salt.

78
00:09:53,816 --> 00:09:57,115
A bottle of spring water--
French, not that ltalian shit.

79
00:09:57,186 --> 00:10:00,781
Um, yes, and could I have
some French fries?
Shut up, Kiva.

80
00:10:00,857 --> 00:10:03,985
Some ginger
and some raw meat.

81
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:08,997
Liver, if you have it.
I want fries, you stupid jerks
with your dumb fucking ritual.

82
00:10:09,065 --> 00:10:11,124
Shut up, you little shit!

83
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,168
Hey.

84
00:10:13,236 --> 00:10:16,933
Don't talk to her that way.
Uh,

85
00:10:17,006 --> 00:10:19,600
if there's nothing else--

86
00:10:25,515 --> 00:10:27,949
Thank you.

87
00:10:51,674 --> 00:10:54,199
We're communing here
on New Year's Eve...

88
00:10:54,277 --> 00:10:57,508
to bring to life
the great goddess Diana,

89
00:10:57,580 --> 00:11:00,378
who was turned into stone
in this very room...

90
00:11:00,449 --> 00:11:03,247
40 years ago today.

91
00:11:11,661 --> 00:11:15,893
Diana, O Great Beautiful One,

92
00:11:15,965 --> 00:11:18,331
we make
these offerings to you...

93
00:11:18,401 --> 00:11:22,428
so that we may undo the wicked spell
which deprived you...

94
00:11:22,505 --> 00:11:24,666
of the seed of your lover...

95
00:11:26,209 --> 00:11:28,268
of your virginal blood...

96
00:11:30,046 --> 00:11:31,980
of your very life.

97
00:11:34,183 --> 00:11:36,947
We now form the symbolic rock...

98
00:11:37,019 --> 00:11:39,453
with our bodies.

99
00:12:36,879 --> 00:12:39,541
On this night,
in this hour,

100
00:12:39,615 --> 00:12:42,709
we call upon
the ancient power.

101
00:12:42,785 --> 00:12:44,844
O Goddess Bride,

102
00:12:44,921 --> 00:12:46,855
we offer thee...

103
00:12:46,923 --> 00:12:50,689
milk from a mother's
sweet titty.

104
00:12:53,930 --> 00:12:57,366
To reverse this evil
which has been done,

105
00:12:57,433 --> 00:13:00,095
I make this offering...

106
00:13:00,169 --> 00:13:02,364
to the Divine One.

107
00:13:02,438 --> 00:13:04,497
A whore not,

108
00:13:04,573 --> 00:13:06,507
an innocent was,

109
00:13:06,575 --> 00:13:09,942
for whom I seized
a virgin's blood.

110
00:13:13,149 --> 00:13:16,175
Goddess of Light,
Goddess of Lust,

111
00:13:16,252 --> 00:13:19,244
to undo this awful spell
is a real must.

112
00:13:19,322 --> 00:13:22,758
To bring you life
and get you high,

113
00:13:22,825 --> 00:13:26,727
I offer the sweat
of five men's thighs.

114
00:13:28,831 --> 00:13:31,231
O Diana,
O Great One,

115
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:33,427
we live without sun...

116
00:13:33,502 --> 00:13:35,800
until this wicked curse
is undone.

117
00:13:35,871 --> 00:13:38,066
ln hope that you appear,

118
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:40,540
I have collected
a year's worth of tears.

119
00:13:43,846 --> 00:13:47,145
Goddess Diana,
fail you, I will.

120
00:13:47,216 --> 00:13:50,379
I was to bring you
fresh sperm from my Bill.

121
00:13:50,453 --> 00:13:53,547
I had him erect,
and his semen would follow,

122
00:13:53,622 --> 00:13:55,556
but alas, I was hot,

123
00:13:55,624 --> 00:13:57,649
so hot that I swallowed.

124
00:14:03,399 --> 00:14:05,833
You stupid witch!

125
00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:09,632
You swallowed the sperm? You did?
Why didn't you use your hands?

126
00:14:09,705 --> 00:14:13,903
Well, it just goes to show you what an
amazing lack of control you have, Eva.

127
00:14:13,976 --> 00:14:17,104
Didn't
your mama teach you not to put
them things in your mouth?

128
00:14:17,179 --> 00:14:20,171
I understand, though.
Eva,

129
00:14:20,249 --> 00:14:23,776
you got one hour
to find me some sperm,

130
00:14:23,853 --> 00:14:26,481
one hour to show me...

131
00:14:26,555 --> 00:14:28,785
what kind of witch
you can be.

132
00:14:28,858 --> 00:14:30,792
You hear me?
Uh-huh.

133
00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:34,296
Ted, the bellhop.

134
00:14:34,363 --> 00:14:36,331
Mr. Bellboy,

135
00:14:36,399 --> 00:14:38,697
come right in.

136
00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:49,944
Okay, mister.

137
00:14:51,414 --> 00:14:53,541
Here is your $50 tip,

138
00:14:53,616 --> 00:14:57,108
only you have to do
one more thing.

139
00:14:57,186 --> 00:14:59,347
You have to make
our little Eva smile.

140
00:14:59,422 --> 00:15:01,515
We'll leave you alone.

141
00:15:14,403 --> 00:15:16,337
Don't use your mouth.

142
00:15:36,459 --> 00:15:38,393
Oh.

143
00:15:57,313 --> 00:16:00,441
Help me out here.
l've got to earn this 50 bucks.

144
00:16:00,516 --> 00:16:03,849
Look, they don't care
if I smile or not.

145
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:05,853
They just want--

146
00:16:07,289 --> 00:16:09,223
You wouldn't understand.

147
00:16:10,326 --> 00:16:12,260
Try me.

148
00:16:12,328 --> 00:16:14,455
l've been around
a bit, you know.

149
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:18,627
Well,

150
00:16:18,701 --> 00:16:20,635
the five of us--

151
00:16:20,703 --> 00:16:25,436
Athena, Jezebel, Raven,
Elspeth and me-are a coven.

152
00:16:25,508 --> 00:16:28,534
Like a coven of witches.
Yes.

153
00:16:28,611 --> 00:16:31,307
Oh.
You see,

154
00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:34,406
for 40 years
we've been trying to...

155
00:16:34,483 --> 00:16:38,419
reverse an evil spell
that was placed on our goddess Diana.

156
00:16:38,487 --> 00:16:40,478
She was a beautiful virgin,

157
00:16:40,556 --> 00:16:44,253
an entertainer by trade
but a great sorceress by design.

158
00:16:45,895 --> 00:16:49,490
It was here in this very room
on her wedding night...

159
00:16:49,565 --> 00:16:52,295
that a jealous rival
placed this curse on Diana.

160
00:16:52,368 --> 00:16:55,269
Her husband was turned
into a pink fish,

161
00:16:55,337 --> 00:16:58,568
while our dear goddess...

162
00:17:00,342 --> 00:17:03,175
a stone
in her honeymoon bed.

163
00:17:05,347 --> 00:17:07,611
This was Diana.

164
00:17:12,054 --> 00:17:15,080
She's the blonde.
Ah. Right.

165
00:17:21,931 --> 00:17:24,195
Hmm.

166
00:17:24,266 --> 00:17:26,291
Well.

167
00:17:28,437 --> 00:17:30,530
Ooh.

168
00:17:33,242 --> 00:17:37,042
Say.

169
00:17:38,781 --> 00:17:40,749
Oh.

170
00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:53,594
Well.

171
00:17:53,662 --> 00:17:55,596
Hate to tell you this,
but, uh,

172
00:17:55,664 --> 00:17:57,791
I kinda doubt
she was a virgin.

173
00:17:57,866 --> 00:18:00,494
She had lovers,
but she saved that for marriage.

174
00:18:00,569 --> 00:18:04,300
lf she doesn't get his goop
in ten minutes, I'm gonna go
in there and get it myself.

175
00:18:04,373 --> 00:18:07,501
That'd be a first for you.

176
00:18:11,747 --> 00:18:14,978
You mean, you were
supposed to bring, uh--

177
00:18:16,318 --> 00:18:19,981
And you--

178
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,853
Eewhh.

179
00:18:22,925 --> 00:18:25,359
And now...

180
00:18:25,427 --> 00:18:27,554
you're my last chance.

181
00:18:29,665 --> 00:18:31,599
W-Whoa.

182
00:18:32,768 --> 00:18:34,929
Uh-uh.

183
00:18:35,004 --> 00:18:36,972
No way.

184
00:18:37,039 --> 00:18:38,973
Nope.

185
00:18:40,042 --> 00:18:42,101
Besides,

186
00:18:42,177 --> 00:18:44,975
it's against hotel policy.

187
00:18:45,047 --> 00:18:47,106
I was warned.

188
00:18:47,182 --> 00:18:50,379
""No sex with the clientele.""

189
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,368
Oh.

190
00:19:10,172 --> 00:19:12,970
See, what I really
wanna do is be a midwife.

191
00:19:13,042 --> 00:19:14,976
l've attended
four births already.

192
00:19:15,044 --> 00:19:17,444
I can prevent vaginal tears
and everything.

193
00:19:17,513 --> 00:19:20,414
Really? That's good.

194
00:19:20,482 --> 00:19:23,940
Yes. A fella doesn't like
too many surprises down there.

195
00:19:24,019 --> 00:19:27,955
I joined the coven to obtain greater
understanding of my feminine powers.

196
00:19:28,023 --> 00:19:30,082
Oh, really?

197
00:19:30,159 --> 00:19:33,185
Seems to be working.
You really think so?

198
00:19:33,262 --> 00:19:35,526
Oh. Yeah.

199
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,795
Oh, God.

200
00:19:40,869 --> 00:19:43,133
Betty's gonna kill me.

201
00:19:44,206 --> 00:19:46,140
Who's Betty?

202
00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:48,802
The boss.
Oh, good.

203
00:19:48,877 --> 00:19:50,811
Oh, God.

204
00:20:15,704 --> 00:20:17,899
My number in Topanga.

205
00:20:17,973 --> 00:20:19,907
Call me?

206
00:20:19,975 --> 00:20:22,409
Sure, baby. I'll call you.

207
00:20:52,441 --> 00:20:56,036
What's that used for?
This is, um-It's a birch branch.

208
00:20:56,111 --> 00:20:58,443
It symbolizes eternal life.

209
00:20:59,615 --> 00:21:03,244
I'm a woman now.
Marvelous.

210
00:21:03,318 --> 00:21:06,378
I use this bark for a tea
which assists in astral travel.

211
00:21:06,455 --> 00:21:08,923
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I wanna be a witch.

212
00:21:08,991 --> 00:21:11,255
Great.
Okay.
You are.

213
00:21:11,326 --> 00:21:13,624
We did it right there
in the big cauldron.

214
00:21:15,130 --> 00:21:18,566
Great. Great.

215
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:20,568
Athena.

216
00:21:24,473 --> 00:21:27,636
Goddess Diana,
I offer to you...

217
00:21:27,709 --> 00:21:30,405
the jism of the one
I wooed for you,

218
00:21:30,479 --> 00:21:33,573
so you may live
and know such bliss...

219
00:21:33,649 --> 00:21:36,243
as getting laid
by a guy like this.

220
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,219
So mote it be.

221
00:21:47,296 --> 00:21:51,494
Three times three times three.

222
00:21:53,669 --> 00:21:55,637
Ah.

223
00:22:34,343 --> 00:22:36,971
Just a minute! Yeah!

224
00:22:37,045 --> 00:22:40,310
Room service.
Wait. W-W-What room is this?

225
00:22:40,382 --> 00:22:42,873
This is the front desk, sir.

226
00:22:42,951 --> 00:22:45,784
W-What room we in?
I don't know, man. I just got here.

227
00:22:45,854 --> 00:22:48,948
404. It's room 404,
I think.

228
00:22:49,024 --> 00:22:53,654
Look, I thought we were
on the fifth floor.
All right! 409. Yeah.

229
00:22:53,729 --> 00:22:55,697
Hmm, sir?

230
00:22:55,764 --> 00:22:58,198
Hey, is he
talkin' to me?

231
00:22:58,267 --> 00:23:01,498
Look, 404. We're in room 404.
Yeah.

232
00:23:01,570 --> 00:23:04,334
What do you need, sir?
What do we need? What do we need?

233
00:23:04,406 --> 00:23:06,499
lce. lce.
lce.

234
00:23:06,575 --> 00:23:09,237
lce?
lce. Yeah, ice!

235
00:23:09,311 --> 00:23:12,337
Right, sir.
404, sir. lce, sir.

236
00:23:12,414 --> 00:23:14,678
I'll be with you momentarily.

237
00:23:15,751 --> 00:23:18,845
Ooh. Disco.

238
00:23:46,281 --> 00:23:48,340
Hello.

239
00:23:53,922 --> 00:23:55,913
Anybody there?

240
00:23:55,991 --> 00:23:59,518
What'd you expect, Theodore,

241
00:23:59,595 --> 00:24:01,688
a fuckin' floor show?

242
00:24:01,763 --> 00:24:04,561
Aah!

243
00:24:08,704 --> 00:24:11,104
Um,

244
00:24:11,173 --> 00:24:13,141
is this room 404?

245
00:24:15,911 --> 00:24:19,711
Obviously l've come
at a very bad time.

246
00:24:19,781 --> 00:24:23,979
Let's not beleaguer the fact
that you have no sense of timing.

247
00:24:25,053 --> 00:24:28,989
The fact is, you're here,

248
00:24:29,057 --> 00:24:31,025
and I couldn't think
of a better time for you...

249
00:24:31,093 --> 00:24:34,392
to introduce me to your beau
than on New Year's Eve.

250
00:24:34,463 --> 00:24:38,126
There's obviously been
a big mistake.

251
00:24:40,035 --> 00:24:43,004
My name is Theodore. Yes.

252
00:24:43,071 --> 00:24:46,040
I'm the bellhop.

253
00:25:13,969 --> 00:25:17,029
Yoo-hoo. Lover boy.

254
00:25:17,105 --> 00:25:19,369
Let's cut to the chase,
okay?

255
00:25:25,313 --> 00:25:28,373
ls this about another man
or something?

256
00:25:28,450 --> 00:25:32,284
Let's get our ABC's
right here, Theodore.

257
00:25:32,354 --> 00:25:36,085
Theodore, right?

258
00:25:36,158 --> 00:25:38,092
Ted's better.

259
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,061
Ted. Okay.

260
00:25:42,464 --> 00:25:46,264
Are you saying my wife
cheats on me?

261
00:25:51,773 --> 00:25:53,707
Come here.

262
00:25:55,944 --> 00:25:57,878
Theodore.

263
00:25:57,946 --> 00:26:02,474
This is about as intimate
a situation as you can get:

264
00:26:02,551 --> 00:26:04,576
you,

265
00:26:04,653 --> 00:26:08,453
me, Angela here.

266
00:26:08,523 --> 00:26:10,718
Pretty cozy, isn't it?

267
00:26:10,792 --> 00:26:12,726
Now,

268
00:26:12,794 --> 00:26:14,728
I demand an apology.

269
00:26:14,796 --> 00:26:17,959
Oh, shit!

270
00:26:20,368 --> 00:26:22,302
What?

271
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:29,573
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
We ain't got no needles here, kid,

272
00:26:29,644 --> 00:26:33,171
just a big fuckin' gun.

273
00:26:33,248 --> 00:26:35,307
How's that grab ya?
Shh.

274
00:26:35,383 --> 00:26:38,284
Ciao, bambino.

275
00:26:42,090 --> 00:26:44,024
Now...

276
00:26:45,694 --> 00:26:47,662
where was l?

277
00:26:47,729 --> 00:26:49,959
Ah. Ah, yeah.

278
00:26:51,867 --> 00:26:54,700
I remember.

279
00:26:56,772 --> 00:26:59,297
Now...

280
00:26:59,374 --> 00:27:01,308
this--

281
00:27:03,378 --> 00:27:05,312
Gimme that. Gimme that.

282
00:27:05,380 --> 00:27:08,213
No. Bad idea.
Say the following.

283
00:27:08,283 --> 00:27:10,308
Come here. Come here.

284
00:27:12,254 --> 00:27:14,814
""l--""

285
00:27:14,890 --> 00:27:17,381
""l,
l,

286
00:27:17,459 --> 00:27:19,552
""Theodore,
Theodore,

287
00:27:19,628 --> 00:27:21,653
must humbly--
humbleh...

288
00:27:21,730 --> 00:27:24,494
Humbly! Humbly!
Humbleh. Humbly.

289
00:27:24,566 --> 00:27:28,627
""And sincerely...
And sincerely...

290
00:27:28,703 --> 00:27:32,230
apologize--
polgize...

291
00:27:32,307 --> 00:27:35,708
Apologize!
Polgi--

292
00:27:35,777 --> 00:27:37,745
Apologize.
Apologize. Apologize.

293
00:27:37,813 --> 00:27:39,804
""For saying--
Saying--

294
00:27:39,881 --> 00:27:42,679
saying that I fucked
another man.

295
00:27:45,921 --> 00:27:48,719
That--
Saying that I fucked another man!

296
00:27:48,790 --> 00:27:50,849
Saying that I fucked
another man.

297
00:27:50,926 --> 00:27:52,860
Great.

298
00:27:53,929 --> 00:27:55,863
Satisfied?

299
00:27:55,931 --> 00:27:59,697
Uh, do you accept
the fuckin' apology?

300
00:28:02,137 --> 00:28:04,071
Oh.

301
00:28:04,139 --> 00:28:07,267
You always have to have
the last word, Angela.

302
00:28:07,342 --> 00:28:10,778
Aw, it's just
one way with you.

303
00:28:13,748 --> 00:28:16,182
May l--

304
00:28:16,251 --> 00:28:19,414
Shit, yeah.
Come on, come on. Spit it out.

305
00:28:19,487 --> 00:28:22,888
I don't mean to
upset you further, sir,

306
00:28:22,958 --> 00:28:26,189
but I do think she was
trying to say yes.

307
00:28:35,437 --> 00:28:39,737
Are you... condescending
to me, Theodore?

308
00:28:41,409 --> 00:28:44,105
Absolutely not, sir.

309
00:28:44,179 --> 00:28:48,240
Don't you think I noticed
there's a gag in the woman's mouth?

310
00:28:48,316 --> 00:28:52,377
You know why I know that?

311
00:28:52,454 --> 00:28:57,619
How, sir?
Because I put that gag in her mouth!

312
00:28:59,728 --> 00:29:03,164
Don't move
a nose hair.

313
00:29:08,069 --> 00:29:10,094
Whoa!

314
00:29:10,171 --> 00:29:15,131
Don't be a stranger, Teddy!
Take off your jacket and relax!

315
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,706
What?

316
00:29:25,153 --> 00:29:29,112
We don't have time to play charades
here, you asshole. Untie me.

317
00:29:29,190 --> 00:29:31,454
Listen!
Jesus, honey!

318
00:29:31,526 --> 00:29:33,460
I would appreciate it...
Where'd you put the Percodan?

319
00:29:33,528 --> 00:29:35,462
if you would tell
that nut case in there...

320
00:29:35,530 --> 00:29:38,590
he's making a big
fucking mistake.

321
00:29:38,667 --> 00:29:41,158
Look, whether
you like it or not,

322
00:29:41,236 --> 00:29:45,104
you are in the middle
of a situation here you cannot
just wish your way out of.

323
00:29:45,173 --> 00:29:47,607
But l've never met
you people before!

324
00:29:47,676 --> 00:29:49,940
You're complete strangers!

325
00:29:50,011 --> 00:29:52,946
Everybody starts out as strangers.
It's where we end up that counts.

326
00:29:53,014 --> 00:29:55,949
You being
a good boy, Theodore?
Quick. He's coming back.

327
00:29:56,017 --> 00:29:58,281
Put the gag back in my mouth.
We play this game all the time.

328
00:29:58,353 --> 00:30:00,514
Play by the rules and you
won't get hurt. Quick.

329
00:30:00,622 --> 00:30:03,489
Come on, put the gag back in my mouth.
Quick! Quick! Quick.

330
00:30:03,558 --> 00:30:08,222
Remember, don't make him mad.
I hope you're
being a good boy, Teddy.

331
00:30:08,296 --> 00:30:10,787
Oh! Teddy!
Whoops!

332
00:30:10,865 --> 00:30:13,129
Oh!

333
00:30:13,201 --> 00:30:16,534
I was just
beginning to think...

334
00:30:16,604 --> 00:30:19,038
I could trust you, Theodore.

335
00:30:19,107 --> 00:30:21,234
Just trying to help her
breathe a little.

336
00:30:21,309 --> 00:30:24,574
Well, don't let me
stop you, Teddy.

337
00:30:24,646 --> 00:30:28,673
You don't mind my calling
you Teddy, do you?

338
00:30:28,750 --> 00:30:30,684
No, it's fine.

339
00:30:30,752 --> 00:30:32,982
You know, once upon a time...

340
00:30:33,054 --> 00:30:35,750
I had a little bunny rabbit.

341
00:30:35,824 --> 00:30:40,818
His name was Teddy. He looked real cute
nibblin' on Angela's ear.

342
00:30:40,895 --> 00:30:44,262
But you're no bunny rabbit,
and picturing you do it...

343
00:30:44,332 --> 00:30:48,200
really fuckin' razzes me.

344
00:30:48,269 --> 00:30:50,669
But don't let me stop you.

345
00:30:50,739 --> 00:30:52,764
Nibble, Teddy.

346
00:30:52,841 --> 00:30:55,674
lf this is some kind of...

347
00:30:55,744 --> 00:30:57,678
weird voodoo thing...

348
00:30:57,746 --> 00:31:01,375
and you want me to have
sex with your wife,

349
00:31:01,449 --> 00:31:04,111
there's absolutely no way.

350
00:31:04,185 --> 00:31:06,949
Start nibblin', motherfucker!

351
00:31:07,022 --> 00:31:09,456
Now! Now!

352
00:31:09,524 --> 00:31:11,458
Oh.

353
00:31:11,526 --> 00:31:15,223
That's it.
Hop like a bunny.

354
00:31:21,336 --> 00:31:23,270
Don't be shy.

355
00:31:26,875 --> 00:31:28,809
Good boy.

356
00:31:38,153 --> 00:31:40,621
What's the problem,
Sparky?

357
00:31:40,688 --> 00:31:43,486
No whiz left in the cheese?

358
00:31:43,558 --> 00:31:47,756
Look, I'm not playing
this game anymore.

359
00:31:47,829 --> 00:31:50,627
lt'll be over soon.

360
00:31:50,698 --> 00:31:53,462
Then you can go home
to Mommy,

361
00:31:53,535 --> 00:31:55,765
Theodore.
Ted!

362
00:31:58,173 --> 00:32:00,835
The name's Ted.

363
00:32:00,909 --> 00:32:04,572
Yes, my mother did me the disservice
of naming me Theodore,

364
00:32:04,646 --> 00:32:07,809
and I haven't a clue as to how
you know that, because
everybody who knows that...

365
00:32:07,882 --> 00:32:10,476
is thousands
of fucking miles away.

366
00:32:10,552 --> 00:32:12,850
Have you any idea,

367
00:32:12,921 --> 00:32:16,448
the faintest idea,

368
00:32:16,524 --> 00:32:21,461
what it's like to arrive
at school and find yourself
surrounded by the maladjusted?

369
00:32:23,698 --> 00:32:25,632
And there you stand.

370
00:32:26,868 --> 00:32:30,133
Little Lord Fauntleroy.

371
00:32:30,205 --> 00:32:33,936
Ever worn a bonnet?
Give it a try sometime.

372
00:32:34,008 --> 00:32:37,307
So shoot me now,

373
00:32:37,378 --> 00:32:40,643
because no one is ever...

374
00:32:40,715 --> 00:32:44,811
going to call me...
Theodore again,

375
00:32:44,886 --> 00:32:46,979
let alone...

376
00:32:47,055 --> 00:32:49,489
Theo...

377
00:32:49,557 --> 00:32:51,491
the Thumper.

378
00:33:00,201 --> 00:33:02,135
Wow.

379
00:33:10,245 --> 00:33:12,679
Sigfried.

380
00:33:15,650 --> 00:33:17,743
What?

381
00:33:18,820 --> 00:33:20,754
That's my name.

382
00:33:21,823 --> 00:33:23,916
Sigfried.
Sigfried?

383
00:33:26,261 --> 00:33:28,695
Nice to meet ya.

384
00:33:28,763 --> 00:33:31,061
Very impressive,

385
00:33:31,132 --> 00:33:33,100
Ted.

386
00:33:33,168 --> 00:33:36,626
Thank you.
It's a deal, kid.

387
00:33:36,704 --> 00:33:40,401
Ted it will be.

388
00:33:40,475 --> 00:33:43,535
Whew.

389
00:33:55,223 --> 00:33:57,487
Hmm?

390
00:34:00,495 --> 00:34:03,020
My heart! Aah!

391
00:34:05,300 --> 00:34:09,498
My... nitro pills
in the bathroom! Quick!

392
00:34:18,413 --> 00:34:20,347
Hurry!

393
00:34:20,415 --> 00:34:25,216
Next to the condoms!
They may be in my medicine bag!

394
00:34:26,287 --> 00:34:28,255
This is it!

395
00:34:28,323 --> 00:34:32,282
Oh, this is the big one,
Angie!

396
00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:34,920
Dear God!

397
00:34:34,996 --> 00:34:38,955
Someone turn on
the lights!

398
00:34:40,635 --> 00:34:44,264
Nitro. Nitro. Nitro.
Oh, baby, I got the chills!

399
00:34:44,339 --> 00:34:48,571
I can't feel my leg!
It's fucked up!

400
00:34:52,847 --> 00:34:56,749
Nitro! Where's the fuckin'
white lightning?

401
00:34:56,818 --> 00:34:59,616
Can't live without my--

402
00:34:59,687 --> 00:35:01,621
Ooh!

403
00:35:05,226 --> 00:35:07,387
Help me!

404
00:35:07,462 --> 00:35:12,263
No time to take
a leak! I'm dyin', here!
Help! Help!

405
00:35:12,333 --> 00:35:15,063
Help me!

406
00:35:15,136 --> 00:35:18,071
Help me!

407
00:35:18,139 --> 00:35:20,403
Help me!

408
00:35:20,475 --> 00:35:24,502
Help me!

409
00:35:36,858 --> 00:35:38,792
Good evening.

410
00:35:41,763 --> 00:35:44,027
Ah.

411
00:35:59,847 --> 00:36:01,974
I'm stuck
in a situation here...

412
00:36:02,050 --> 00:36:05,315
which I couldn't possibly
begin to explain.

413
00:36:05,386 --> 00:36:08,719
What I was wondering:
Do you think you could, uh,

414
00:36:08,790 --> 00:36:11,520
call the police, sir?

415
00:36:11,592 --> 00:36:14,993
Are you all right,
sir? Sir?

416
00:36:15,063 --> 00:36:16,997
lce.

417
00:36:42,256 --> 00:36:44,884
Yoo-hoo. Sigfried.

418
00:36:48,930 --> 00:36:52,730
Oh, my God! Sigfried!

419
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:54,825
Angela!

420
00:37:00,608 --> 00:37:04,374
Ohh! Ohh!

421
00:37:06,447 --> 00:37:08,381
Where is the fucking nitro?

422
00:37:08,449 --> 00:37:10,508
Couldn't find it.
What do you mean,
you couldn't find it?

423
00:37:10,585 --> 00:37:12,519
Untie me! I'll find it!

424
00:37:12,587 --> 00:37:15,215
It's your fault he's so upset!
Now he's dying!

425
00:37:15,289 --> 00:37:17,780
I'll get some help!

426
00:37:17,859 --> 00:37:19,793
Aah!

427
00:37:19,861 --> 00:37:23,422
I tie a pretty good knot,
don't l, Ted?

428
00:37:23,498 --> 00:37:26,467
Sigfried!

429
00:37:26,534 --> 00:37:30,732
Thank God, you're okay!

430
00:37:31,873 --> 00:37:34,398
You bastard.

431
00:37:35,610 --> 00:37:38,807
Aw, honey.

432
00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:44,375
Don't get mad. It was just
a little test, and I'm glad that
I did it, because now I know...

433
00:37:44,452 --> 00:37:46,443
you love me forever,

434
00:37:46,521 --> 00:37:48,887
truly...

435
00:37:48,956 --> 00:37:50,890
and deeply.

436
00:37:50,958 --> 00:37:53,552
lf the simple fact that I didn't want
your bloated, dead body...

437
00:37:53,628 --> 00:37:58,395
lying out on the floor is love,
then no wonder we find ourselves
as we are at this very moment.

438
00:37:58,466 --> 00:38:03,733
Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your
voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted?

439
00:38:03,805 --> 00:38:06,273
I think you're right,

440
00:38:06,340 --> 00:38:09,969
and if you just keep this kind
of open dialogue going,

441
00:38:10,044 --> 00:38:12,808
I think you'll go a long way
to resolving this misunderstanding.

442
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:16,475
You'd be surprised what happens
if people just listen...

443
00:38:16,551 --> 00:38:19,952
without succumbing
to all that pain and anger.

444
00:38:20,021 --> 00:38:24,253
You heard shit, monkey boy.
Easy for you to say after you
fuck another man's wife.

445
00:38:24,325 --> 00:38:27,123
You should at least have
the guts to stand behind...

446
00:38:27,195 --> 00:38:29,425
your convictions.

447
00:38:29,497 --> 00:38:33,160
She's lying, Sigfried.
I swear to God.

448
00:38:33,234 --> 00:38:36,362
You know, when I think
of all the times you were inside me...

449
00:38:36,437 --> 00:38:38,837
promising me a better life,
it makes me wanna puke.

450
00:38:42,009 --> 00:38:44,477
Why are you doing this to me?

451
00:38:45,780 --> 00:38:49,807
What have I ever done
to you people?

452
00:38:49,884 --> 00:38:52,352
What didn't you do,
stick man?

453
00:38:52,420 --> 00:38:56,823
Unfortunately, you don't have
the balls to back up
the actions of your huge cock.

454
00:38:56,891 --> 00:38:59,883
No, no, no.

455
00:38:59,961 --> 00:39:03,397
He's got a huge cock?

456
00:39:03,464 --> 00:39:06,558
Oh, no, no, no, no.

457
00:39:06,634 --> 00:39:09,501
Show it to me.
It's not that big.

458
00:39:09,570 --> 00:39:14,132
Put it this way: God made up for what
he did to Gumby with Teddy here.

459
00:39:14,208 --> 00:39:16,506
Show it to me!

460
00:39:16,577 --> 00:39:20,172
Show him your cock, Theodore.

461
00:39:20,248 --> 00:39:23,547
Please stop talking about his cock!

462
00:39:23,618 --> 00:39:27,349
Well, it's hard to stop talking
about something that's so huge.

463
00:39:27,421 --> 00:39:31,050
I mean, I could go
on and on about his cock,

464
00:39:31,125 --> 00:39:33,059
his bone,

465
00:39:33,127 --> 00:39:35,186
his knob,
Shh.

466
00:39:35,263 --> 00:39:37,823
his bishop,

467
00:39:37,899 --> 00:39:42,927
wang, thang, rod, hot rod,
humpmobile,

468
00:39:43,004 --> 00:39:44,938
Oscar, dong,
dagger, banana,

469
00:39:45,006 --> 00:39:47,201
cucumber, salami,

470
00:39:47,275 --> 00:39:50,540
sausage, kielbasa,
schlong,

471
00:39:50,611 --> 00:39:53,842
dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter,

472
00:39:53,915 --> 00:39:57,180
pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener,
pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,

473
00:39:57,251 --> 00:39:59,185
middle leg, third leg,
meat,

474
00:39:59,253 --> 00:40:02,245
stick, joystick, dipstick,

475
00:40:02,323 --> 00:40:04,450
one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head,

476
00:40:04,525 --> 00:40:07,255
little guy, Rumple Foreskin,
Tootsie Roll,

477
00:40:07,328 --> 00:40:09,387
love muscle, skin flute,

478
00:40:09,463 --> 00:40:12,864
Roto-Rooter, snake--

479
00:40:12,934 --> 00:40:14,731
Please don't go!

480
00:40:17,104 --> 00:40:19,402
Hammer, rammer, Spammer,

481
00:40:19,473 --> 00:40:22,374
bazooka, rubber, chubby,
sticky, stubby.

482
00:40:23,711 --> 00:40:26,236
Hey, do you know where
room 404 is, man,

483
00:40:26,314 --> 00:40:28,748
'cause I was up
at this party, and--

484
00:40:28,816 --> 00:40:32,616
I have absolutely no idea!

485
00:40:32,687 --> 00:40:35,247
Oh.

486
00:40:38,693 --> 00:40:41,253
Schmeck, schmuck,
schvantz, ying-yang, yang--

487
00:40:41,329 --> 00:40:43,820
Whoa! I'm Theodore.
What?

488
00:40:43,898 --> 00:40:46,093
Well,
you're right on time, Theodore.

489
00:40:46,167 --> 00:40:48,158
Let's not beleaguer the fact...

490
00:40:48,235 --> 00:40:50,430
that you have
no sense of timing.

491
00:40:50,504 --> 00:40:53,064
The fact is...

492
00:40:53,140 --> 00:40:56,439
you're here.

493
00:41:25,773 --> 00:41:28,799
Front desk.

494
00:41:28,876 --> 00:41:32,437
Bottle of champagne.
Fast.

495
00:41:44,759 --> 00:41:47,728
Stand still.

496
00:41:47,795 --> 00:41:50,821
I said stand still.
You're gonna ruin your suit.

497
00:41:50,898 --> 00:41:53,128
Come here. Come here.

498
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,532
Gimme that.

499
00:41:55,603 --> 00:41:57,662
Let me see.

500
00:42:00,574 --> 00:42:03,907
There. There, you see?
You see?

501
00:42:03,978 --> 00:42:08,506
Huh? You look good
with your hair back like this.

502
00:42:08,582 --> 00:42:11,346
Like me. Like me.

503
00:42:11,419 --> 00:42:14,684
Not down and to the side,
all stupid...

504
00:42:14,755 --> 00:42:16,814
like your mother
likes to comb it.

505
00:42:16,891 --> 00:42:19,860
No. No.

506
00:42:19,927 --> 00:42:22,361
Like this.
Ow.

507
00:42:42,450 --> 00:42:44,418
Gimme this.

508
00:42:46,854 --> 00:42:49,880
lmpossible.

509
00:42:49,957 --> 00:42:53,222
You've got your mother's hair.
You can't do anything with it.

510
00:42:54,795 --> 00:42:57,593
There. Go. Go.

511
00:42:59,834 --> 00:43:03,235
How did you get your hair
in such a tangled mess, huh?

512
00:43:05,673 --> 00:43:08,471
There. Go. Finished.

513
00:43:12,012 --> 00:43:14,606
Are we gonna
have fun tonight?

514
00:43:20,521 --> 00:43:22,580
I didn't think so.

515
00:43:33,734 --> 00:43:35,759
Hey.

516
00:43:37,271 --> 00:43:39,296
What about leaving
the kids here?

517
00:43:39,373 --> 00:43:41,705
Hmm?
Here in the room, all by themselves?

518
00:43:41,776 --> 00:43:44,506
No, with the television.

519
00:43:44,578 --> 00:43:46,512
Hmm?

520
00:43:54,221 --> 00:43:56,519
You wanna have fun tonight,
don't you?

521
00:43:57,792 --> 00:43:59,726
Yes.

522
00:43:59,794 --> 00:44:01,785
Give it to me.
Give it to me.

523
00:44:01,862 --> 00:44:03,796
Give it to me.

524
00:44:14,775 --> 00:44:18,006
Hey.

525
00:44:18,078 --> 00:44:20,512
You kids are gonna
stay here watching TV.

526
00:44:22,583 --> 00:44:25,882
I want you to be in bed
and asleep before 12:00.

527
00:44:25,953 --> 00:44:30,014
Twelve.
Your mother and l
will be back later on,

528
00:44:30,090 --> 00:44:32,024
maybe.

529
00:44:33,661 --> 00:44:36,721
Don't misbehave.

530
00:44:54,148 --> 00:44:58,346
Why did we have to get all dressed up
if we're not going with them?

531
00:44:58,419 --> 00:45:00,751
I don't know.

532
00:45:08,028 --> 00:45:10,724
What are you doing?
I'm escaping.

533
00:45:10,798 --> 00:45:13,062
It stinks in here
anyway.

534
00:45:13,133 --> 00:45:15,067
What did I say?

535
00:45:20,641 --> 00:45:22,541
Behave.

536
00:45:22,610 --> 00:45:24,805
Yes, Papa.

537
00:45:24,879 --> 00:45:27,074
The champagne
you ordered, sir.

538
00:45:28,148 --> 00:45:30,810
Too late.
Leave it on ice.

539
00:45:30,885 --> 00:45:32,819
But I want some now.

540
00:45:32,887 --> 00:45:34,912
There'll be plenty for you
at the party, baby.

541
00:45:34,989 --> 00:45:38,083
You can bomb yourself
all you want at the party.

542
00:45:38,158 --> 00:45:41,286
Put it down. Put it down.

543
00:45:46,901 --> 00:45:49,335
All right.

544
00:45:49,403 --> 00:45:53,806
You want 500 bucks?
Sure.

545
00:45:53,874 --> 00:45:57,435
How about three?
Three hundred dollars?

546
00:45:57,511 --> 00:45:59,445
Yeah.
Three's fine.

547
00:45:59,513 --> 00:46:03,950
Good. My children are staying
here tonight watching TV.

548
00:46:04,018 --> 00:46:07,954
I want you to check up
on them every 30 minutes.

549
00:46:08,022 --> 00:46:10,582
Check up on them?
Yeah, make sure they're all right.

550
00:46:10,658 --> 00:46:13,456
Make sure they're fed. Make sure
they go to bed. You know, these things.

551
00:46:13,527 --> 00:46:16,291
Sir, I can send out
for a baby-sitting service.

552
00:46:16,363 --> 00:46:19,526
No. I don't trust baby-sitters.

553
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:21,864
My children are safer alone...

554
00:46:21,936 --> 00:46:24,131
than with some fucked-up
pedophile baby-sitter...

555
00:46:24,204 --> 00:46:26,263
I don't know from
the man in the fucking moon.

556
00:46:26,340 --> 00:46:30,504
What about him? What makes you think
you can trust him?

557
00:46:31,879 --> 00:46:35,042
Tell me that's not
a face you can trust.

558
00:46:35,115 --> 00:46:37,879
l'd love to help you
with your problem, sir,

559
00:46:37,952 --> 00:46:41,388
but unfortunately
I'm here alone tonight.

560
00:46:41,455 --> 00:46:44,151
Hmm.

561
00:46:46,627 --> 00:46:51,189
One hundred, two hundred,
three hundred.

562
00:46:51,265 --> 00:46:53,563
Here you are.

563
00:46:53,634 --> 00:46:56,501
I thought you said 500.
No, I said 300.

564
00:46:56,570 --> 00:46:59,334
No, sir. I distinctly
heard you say 500.

565
00:46:59,406 --> 00:47:02,170
Are you calling me a liar?
No, sir.

566
00:47:02,242 --> 00:47:04,836
What I'm saying is that you accidentally
forgot that the first thing you said--

567
00:47:04,912 --> 00:47:08,848
But what I last said was 300,
and what you say last is what counts.

568
00:47:08,916 --> 00:47:13,580
Well, then, if you say 500
one last time, we have a deal.
You fucking with me, pendejo?

569
00:47:13,654 --> 00:47:17,351
No, sir, but I'm by myself,

570
00:47:17,424 --> 00:47:20,052
and looking after your kids
is a pain in the ass I don't need.

571
00:47:20,127 --> 00:47:22,220
Are you calling my kids
a pain in the ass?

572
00:47:22,296 --> 00:47:25,527
Why, no, sir, not the kids.

573
00:47:25,599 --> 00:47:29,035
It's the situation
that is a pain in the ass.

574
00:47:29,103 --> 00:47:32,766
No, you were right the first time.
They're a pain in the ass.

575
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:35,365
All right. You win, tough guy.
Five hundred.

576
00:47:35,442 --> 00:47:38,036
You kids
are getting expensive.

577
00:47:38,112 --> 00:47:40,546
What's your name?

578
00:47:40,614 --> 00:47:43,048
Ted.

579
00:47:43,117 --> 00:47:45,347
lf you need anything,
just dial zero and ask for Ted.

580
00:47:47,488 --> 00:47:50,548
And make sure they're
in bed before midnight.
Before midnight?

581
00:47:50,624 --> 00:47:53,115
Then should I wake them up
for the countdown to the New Year?

582
00:47:53,193 --> 00:47:56,356
No.

583
00:47:56,430 --> 00:47:59,058
lf something happens
to my children...

584
00:48:04,772 --> 00:48:07,400
I wouldn't want to be you.

585
00:48:10,044 --> 00:48:12,069
Don't misbehave.

586
00:48:14,681 --> 00:48:17,445
Let's get out of here.

587
00:48:45,712 --> 00:48:48,112
Okay.

588
00:48:48,182 --> 00:48:50,582
These are the rules.

589
00:48:50,651 --> 00:48:54,280
Don't break the rules
and I won't break your necks.

590
00:48:56,723 --> 00:48:58,918
I always wanted to say that.

591
00:48:58,992 --> 00:49:01,483
Someone said that to me
when I was a kid.

592
00:49:03,063 --> 00:49:05,657
Only they weren't joking.

593
00:49:07,401 --> 00:49:09,335
The rules are simple:

594
00:49:09,403 --> 00:49:12,304
Don't do anything you wouldn't do
if your parents were here.

595
00:49:12,372 --> 00:49:15,500
lf there's an emergency, call me on the
phone like your dad said. Thank you.

596
00:49:15,576 --> 00:49:21,344
That's not what he said.
He said to call you if we need anything.

597
00:49:21,415 --> 00:49:24,646
Well, I have a lot of work to do,
and I can't have you calling me...

598
00:49:24,718 --> 00:49:26,686
every time you want
a glass of water, so please,

599
00:49:26,753 --> 00:49:29,051
try and limit your calls
to emergencies only.

600
00:49:29,123 --> 00:49:32,183
Thank you.
We paid you $500.

601
00:49:32,259 --> 00:49:36,195
We'll call you
if we need anything.

602
00:49:36,263 --> 00:49:38,356
You don't wanna
get my dad mad.

603
00:49:40,701 --> 00:49:45,035
Oh. Well, try and call
only when necessary.

604
00:49:45,105 --> 00:49:47,539
Watch TV, and if you're good,

605
00:49:47,608 --> 00:49:49,735
I'll bring you up
some milk and cookies.

606
00:49:51,445 --> 00:49:53,709
Bye, now.

607
00:50:14,501 --> 00:50:17,095
Your feet stink.

608
00:50:18,472 --> 00:50:21,532
They don't stink.

609
00:50:26,346 --> 00:50:28,712
Check it out! T and A!

610
00:50:30,184 --> 00:50:32,277
Change it. You're not
supposed to watch this.

611
00:50:32,352 --> 00:50:35,753
We're supposed to watch TV.
Not this kind of TV.

612
00:50:35,822 --> 00:50:37,790
Change it.

613
00:50:39,660 --> 00:50:41,753
Leave me alone. Ouch.

614
00:50:41,828 --> 00:50:43,796
Ouch.

615
00:50:56,843 --> 00:50:58,777
Front desk.

616
00:50:58,845 --> 00:51:01,905
Ted?
What did I tell you?

617
00:51:01,982 --> 00:51:05,281
Don't bother me and you'll get
milk and cookies. Now, do you
want them or do you not?

618
00:51:05,352 --> 00:51:08,446
I want you to turn off
the nudie station in our room.

619
00:51:08,522 --> 00:51:11,616
I cannot turn on an adult
station without the express
permission of your parents.

620
00:51:11,692 --> 00:51:14,991
No, not turn it on.
Turn it off.

621
00:51:15,062 --> 00:51:17,963
It's already on.
Whoa.

622
00:51:18,031 --> 00:51:20,329
That's not what the machine tells me.

623
00:51:20,400 --> 00:51:23,392
Well, stop listening
to the machine and listen to me.

624
00:51:23,470 --> 00:51:27,463
There's naked ladies dancing on my TV,
and I want 'em off.

625
00:51:27,541 --> 00:51:30,999
Like I said, I'll be up later
to put you both to sleep.

626
00:51:31,078 --> 00:51:33,478
Bye.

627
00:51:33,547 --> 00:51:36,311
Change the channel now!

628
00:51:40,687 --> 00:51:43,815
Man, you're the one
with the stinking feet.

629
00:51:52,566 --> 00:51:54,830
They don't stink.

630
00:51:54,901 --> 00:51:57,870
Yeah, they do.
No, they don't.

631
00:51:57,938 --> 00:52:00,634
Here, smell for yourself.

632
00:52:02,342 --> 00:52:04,242
Go ahead.

633
00:52:26,400 --> 00:52:28,960
Go ahead.

634
00:52:47,754 --> 00:52:50,655
Get a bottle opener.

635
00:53:04,438 --> 00:53:07,703
Don't shake it.

636
00:53:10,444 --> 00:53:13,902
Front desk.
Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.

637
00:53:13,980 --> 00:53:19,043
Who died? No one?
Good. Then don't call me.

638
00:53:19,119 --> 00:53:22,850
I just thought l'd tell you that your
cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.

639
00:53:22,923 --> 00:53:27,257
There's all kinds of leftover stuff
here: needles and things.

640
00:53:27,327 --> 00:53:29,261
We're not supposed
to have needles, are we?

641
00:53:29,329 --> 00:53:31,991
I mean, they don't come
with the room, do they?

642
00:53:32,065 --> 00:53:34,363
Send someone up here
to clean this place up right.

643
00:53:35,836 --> 00:53:38,066
I told you not to shake it!

644
00:53:38,138 --> 00:53:42,404
I gotta go. My dumb brother
just exploded the champagne
all over the room.

645
00:53:42,476 --> 00:53:45,843
Oh, and bring us up
a couple of toothbrushes.

646
00:53:45,912 --> 00:53:49,905
There's a card in the bathroom
that says you'll bring us free
toothbrushes if we ask for them.

647
00:53:53,019 --> 00:53:55,954
I'm calling a room.
Give me three numbers.

648
00:53:56,022 --> 00:53:59,924
Four... zero... nine.

649
00:54:04,030 --> 00:54:06,123
Hello?
What?

650
00:54:06,199 --> 00:54:08,793
Hi. You don't know me,
and I don't know you either,

651
00:54:08,869 --> 00:54:10,632
but do you have
any needles?

652
00:54:10,704 --> 00:54:14,401
We have needles here,
and I was wondering if they come
with the room or not.

653
00:54:14,474 --> 00:54:16,806
We ain't got
no needles here, kid.

654
00:54:16,877 --> 00:54:19,641
No?
Just a big fuckin' gun.

655
00:54:19,713 --> 00:54:21,738
Just checking.

656
00:55:15,235 --> 00:55:19,194
This is the bull's-eye.
It's worth 100 points.

657
00:55:19,272 --> 00:55:22,332
This is worth ten points.
This is worth 20 points.

658
00:55:22,409 --> 00:55:27,312
This is worth-Hey, wait 'til
I get out of the way!

659
00:55:29,449 --> 00:55:32,714
This is how
an expert throws it.

660
00:55:36,623 --> 00:55:41,026
Hello, kiddie-winkies.
I brought your milk and cookies.

661
00:55:41,094 --> 00:55:44,222
You're going to have
to eat them now, because...

662
00:55:44,297 --> 00:55:46,857
you're going to sleep.

663
00:55:46,933 --> 00:55:48,867
We have
to go to sleep now?

664
00:55:48,935 --> 00:55:51,733
Your parents said to put
you to bed before midnight.

665
00:55:51,805 --> 00:55:54,069
Well--
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

666
00:55:54,140 --> 00:55:58,543
Maybe this way
you'll leave me alone.

667
00:55:58,612 --> 00:56:00,705
Those aren't
milk and cookies.

668
00:56:00,780 --> 00:56:02,805
Well, we ran out
of cookies,

669
00:56:02,883 --> 00:56:05,875
so I brought you
milk and saltines.

670
00:56:05,952 --> 00:56:09,046
Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat.
You're going to bed.

671
00:56:09,122 --> 00:56:11,215
They're old.

672
00:56:11,291 --> 00:56:15,694
Dip them in the milk.
The milk will make them soft.

673
00:56:23,069 --> 00:56:25,435
No crackers?

674
00:56:25,505 --> 00:56:29,066
Sleepy time. Now, I don't
want you wandering around,

675
00:56:29,142 --> 00:56:31,110
so if you need
the rest room--

676
00:57:04,511 --> 00:57:06,445
What about our pajamas?

677
00:57:06,513 --> 00:57:08,947
You wanna look nice in case
there's an earthquake, don't you?

678
00:57:09,015 --> 00:57:11,950
Yeah.
Well, then, stay in those clothes.

679
00:57:12,018 --> 00:57:14,782
This is some
Mentholatum ointment.

680
00:57:14,854 --> 00:57:18,790
Now, under the covers and close
your eyes, and I'll tell you a story.

681
00:57:18,858 --> 00:57:21,326
Your dad says he hates baby-sitters,
doesn't trust 'em.

682
00:57:21,394 --> 00:57:23,658
Well, can't say
I blame him, really.

683
00:57:23,730 --> 00:57:26,096
You know what my baby-sitter
did to me when I was a kid?

684
00:57:27,300 --> 00:57:29,234
I used to hate
going to sleep.

685
00:57:29,302 --> 00:57:32,135
You know, when it's late,
you wanna get up, run around, go crazy.

686
00:57:32,205 --> 00:57:34,969
Well, what my baby-sitter
used to do to me...

687
00:57:35,041 --> 00:57:38,010
to make sure l'd stay in bed,
not be tempted to get up,

688
00:57:38,078 --> 00:57:41,172
was she'd take some of
this vapor rub ointment...

689
00:57:44,317 --> 00:57:47,184
and she'd dab a little
on each eyelid...

690
00:57:47,253 --> 00:57:50,848
just to make sure
l'd stay put.

691
00:57:50,924 --> 00:57:54,087
There.
Now you have some too.

692
00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:58,153
Don't open your eyes
or it'll burn, burn, burn.

693
00:57:58,231 --> 00:58:00,165
What about in the morning?
Well, if you keep...

694
00:58:00,233 --> 00:58:04,693
your eyes shut tight all night,
it'll wear off by morning,
but don't open them before then.

695
00:58:04,771 --> 00:58:06,739
Did you ever
open your eyes?

696
00:58:06,806 --> 00:58:10,207
Yes, I did,
and look at me now.

697
00:58:10,276 --> 00:58:13,575
We can't.
Exactly. Good.

698
00:58:15,782 --> 00:58:17,716
You'll do fine.

699
00:58:17,784 --> 00:58:21,049
Sleep tight all night...

700
00:58:21,121 --> 00:58:24,215
and I won't tell your parents
about the champagne.

701
00:58:27,394 --> 00:58:29,328
Good night.

702
00:59:21,347 --> 00:59:23,747
Are you watching TV?

703
00:59:23,817 --> 00:59:28,948
Yep. lf you wanna watch,
you better go wash your face.

704
00:59:35,995 --> 00:59:38,156
Unh!
Be careful.

705
00:59:39,532 --> 00:59:41,966
Gimme that!

706
00:59:59,018 --> 01:00:02,146
Ah.

707
01:00:02,222 --> 01:00:04,884
Hey, what are you doing?

708
01:00:23,810 --> 01:00:26,005
Shut up.

709
01:00:26,079 --> 01:00:28,707
You! Shut up!
Shut up!

710
01:00:33,753 --> 01:00:36,551
Ted!
What do you want now,
for Christ sakes? Who died?

711
01:00:36,623 --> 01:00:38,682
I don't know,
but she's in my bed.

712
01:00:38,758 --> 01:00:41,693
What?
There's a dead body in my bed.

713
01:00:41,761 --> 01:00:44,025
Nonsense! That's just
your brother sound asleep!

714
01:00:44,097 --> 01:00:48,363
No! There's a woman's dead body
inside the bed in the mattress.

715
01:00:48,434 --> 01:00:50,902
You saw the body?
Yes!

716
01:00:50,970 --> 01:00:54,565
lmpossible! You've got
the ointment on your eyes.

717
01:00:54,641 --> 01:00:58,372
Ya can't see shit!
Now go to sleep!

718
01:01:01,347 --> 01:01:04,111
Go to sleep!
I washed it off.

719
01:01:04,184 --> 01:01:08,086
The Mentholatum?
Yeah. Didn't you ever
think to do that?

720
01:01:09,689 --> 01:01:12,021
Get your ass up here
and call the police,

721
01:01:12,091 --> 01:01:15,857
because there's a dead body in
my bed, and it smells like shit,
and it looks even worse.

722
01:01:15,929 --> 01:01:18,727
lf you don't help us, my dad is going to
lay you down right next to her,

723
01:01:18,798 --> 01:01:21,289
I swear to fucking God!

724
01:01:21,367 --> 01:01:23,631
I am coming up there
right this minute!

725
01:01:23,703 --> 01:01:27,469
lf there is no dead body
in that room by the time I get
up there, I'm gonna make one!

726
01:01:27,540 --> 01:01:29,633
You--

727
01:01:29,709 --> 01:01:32,143
Little bitch.

728
01:01:34,814 --> 01:01:36,748
Ah, shit!

729
01:01:59,906 --> 01:02:01,703
Cover it up.
Cover it up.

730
01:02:06,746 --> 01:02:08,805
Thank you.

731
01:02:20,093 --> 01:02:23,460
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is going on here?

732
01:02:23,529 --> 01:02:25,827
Your parents are
on their way up here.

733
01:02:25,899 --> 01:02:29,630
And I am not taking responsibility
for this mess!

734
01:02:29,702 --> 01:02:33,502
Check under the mattress.
For what?

735
01:02:33,573 --> 01:02:36,974
For the body. Can't you smell it?
It's your feet.

736
01:02:45,385 --> 01:02:48,684
Fucking Christ!
What the fuck is that?

737
01:02:53,559 --> 01:02:55,993
Police! It's an emergency!

738
01:03:02,402 --> 01:03:06,338
Police! Get someone over here
right fucking now.

739
01:03:06,406 --> 01:03:10,206
There's a dead whore
stuffed in the mattress!
Don't call her that.

740
01:03:10,276 --> 01:03:13,712
Shut up!
I'm dead fucking serious.

741
01:03:13,780 --> 01:03:18,240
There's a dead
fucking whore stuffed...
Stop calling her that!

742
01:03:18,318 --> 01:03:21,151
in the fucking bed!

743
01:03:23,222 --> 01:03:24,712
Fuck!

744
01:03:45,445 --> 01:03:48,903
lf your pad is a wax museum

745
01:03:53,119 --> 01:03:55,747
The young and exotic

746
01:03:55,822 --> 01:03:57,949
Following a millionaire

747
01:03:58,024 --> 01:04:02,427
A glass and a shaker

748
01:04:02,495 --> 01:04:05,396
Our host is
a real scene maker

749
01:04:05,465 --> 01:04:08,559
The millionaire's holiday

750
01:04:11,304 --> 01:04:15,570
The millionaire's holiday

751
01:04:18,311 --> 01:04:23,112
The millionaire's holiday

752
01:04:27,820 --> 01:04:29,947
Did they misbehave?

753
01:04:56,649 --> 01:05:00,676
Emergency?

754
01:05:00,753 --> 01:05:05,019
Just--

755
01:05:15,701 --> 01:05:17,635
Happy New Year.

756
01:05:17,703 --> 01:05:22,140
Let me speak to Betty.
Uh, party's over.
She probably went home.

757
01:05:22,208 --> 01:05:27,202
She lives there!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.

758
01:05:27,280 --> 01:05:30,113
Well, then get her on the phone.
Tell her it's an emergency.

759
01:05:30,183 --> 01:05:33,118
Who-Who should
I say is calling?

760
01:05:33,186 --> 01:05:35,711
You tell her it's Teddy
from work on the phone.

761
01:05:35,788 --> 01:05:38,848
I got some major
fucking emergency.

762
01:05:38,925 --> 01:05:41,826
Hi, Ted.
I'm Margaret.

763
01:05:41,894 --> 01:05:44,988
You sound down. Has this not been
the happiest of New Years?

764
01:05:45,064 --> 01:05:49,023
No, Margaret. This hasn't been
my happiest New Year.

765
01:05:49,102 --> 01:05:52,037
This one's starting off
pretty fucking badly.

766
01:05:52,105 --> 01:05:55,199
Aw, how come?
Well, Betty...

767
01:05:55,274 --> 01:05:59,210
leaves me here all by myself,
and first thing right off the bat,

768
01:05:59,278 --> 01:06:01,212
I'm fucked
by a coven of witches.

769
01:06:01,280 --> 01:06:04,215
You were fucked
by an oven full of witches?

770
01:06:04,283 --> 01:06:08,811
A coven of witches!
Not an oven!

771
01:06:08,888 --> 01:06:11,322
Well, one witch
in particular.

772
01:06:11,390 --> 01:06:16,225
Was she an old hag with a mole on
her face with hair growing out of it?

773
01:06:16,295 --> 01:06:18,058
No, no, she was
very beautiful.

774
01:06:18,131 --> 01:06:23,694
Ted? What's the problem?

775
01:06:23,769 --> 01:06:28,729
Well, admittedly, that was
the best part of the evening.

776
01:06:28,808 --> 01:06:31,777
It was pretty
bloody good actually.

777
01:06:31,844 --> 01:06:35,541
But it's still a pretty unnerving way
to start off the night.

778
01:06:35,615 --> 01:06:38,379
Sounds like a pretty great way
to start off the night to me.

779
01:06:38,451 --> 01:06:41,909
Why don't we just
skip over the witches?
Skipping the witches.

780
01:06:41,988 --> 01:06:45,515
Right. Later,
in another room,

781
01:06:45,591 --> 01:06:49,857
some crazy fucking maniac
sticks a gun in my face...

782
01:06:49,929 --> 01:06:52,921
and forces me to play out
some psychosexual drama with his wife.

783
01:06:52,999 --> 01:06:55,229
He made you have
psycho sex with his wife?

784
01:06:55,301 --> 01:06:58,065
No, he didn't make me fuck his wife.
He thought I fucked his wife.

785
01:06:58,137 --> 01:07:01,368
He held me at gunpoint
with a loaded gun!
What kind of gun was it?

786
01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:03,738
I don't know.
I'm not a gun guy. It was big.

787
01:07:03,809 --> 01:07:07,939
Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?
Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.

788
01:07:08,014 --> 01:07:10,881
Did it have a real long barrel
or a short barrel?

789
01:07:10,950 --> 01:07:13,544
What difference
does it make?

790
01:07:13,619 --> 01:07:18,113
Well, for one thing, it's a difference
between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357.

791
01:07:18,191 --> 01:07:22,958
Who the fuck cares whether it was a
.44 or a .392? It was a big fucking gun!

792
01:07:23,029 --> 01:07:25,998
It was loaded! And it was pointed
right at my fucking head!

793
01:07:26,065 --> 01:07:30,661
You wanna skip this part too?
I want you to get Betty on
the phone right fucking now.

794
01:07:30,736 --> 01:07:35,435
Hold on.
Anybody live here named--

795
01:07:35,508 --> 01:07:37,635
What's her name again?

796
01:07:37,710 --> 01:07:41,646
Betty.
Betty!

797
01:07:41,714 --> 01:07:44,342
Whatcha
screaming about?

798
01:07:44,417 --> 01:07:46,977
You're Betty?
Yeah, I'm Betty.
It's my fucking place.

799
01:07:47,053 --> 01:07:51,149
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.

800
01:07:54,860 --> 01:07:58,694
You guys, wanna go to breakfast?
No.

801
01:07:58,764 --> 01:08:01,494
Let's go to Denny's.
Later.

802
01:08:01,567 --> 01:08:06,595
Okay, Ted, what's the problem?
Hello, Betty.

803
01:08:06,672 --> 01:08:09,937
""What's the problem?""
I haven't got a problem.

804
01:08:10,009 --> 01:08:15,777
l've got fucking problems.
Plural. Wanna hear?
Sure.

805
01:08:15,848 --> 01:08:19,511
Well, most recently,
there's room 309.

806
01:08:19,585 --> 01:08:24,113
There's this scary Mexican gangster
dude pokin' his finger in my chest.

807
01:08:24,190 --> 01:08:27,387
There's his hooligan kids
snapping their fingers at me.

808
01:08:27,460 --> 01:08:32,056
There's a putrid, rotting corpse
of a dead whore stuffed
in the springs of the bed.

809
01:08:32,131 --> 01:08:34,463
There's rooms blazing afire.

810
01:08:34,533 --> 01:08:37,024
There's a big fat needle
from God knows where,

811
01:08:37,103 --> 01:08:40,004
stuck in my leg, infecting me
with God knows what.

812
01:08:40,072 --> 01:08:44,008
And finally, there's me, walkin'
out the door right fuckin' now.

813
01:08:44,076 --> 01:08:48,308
Buenas noches.

814
01:08:48,381 --> 01:08:52,477
ls that the penthouse?
Yes, it is.

815
01:08:52,551 --> 01:08:54,348
It's the Chester Rush party.
They want something.

816
01:08:54,420 --> 01:09:00,222
Well, tough titty. They're just gonna
have to whistle, because I'm off.

817
01:09:00,293 --> 01:09:02,557
Now, Ted, wait a minute.
I know you're freaked.

818
01:09:02,628 --> 01:09:04,994
I know you're stressed.
You had a real bad night.

819
01:09:05,064 --> 01:09:10,764
Oh, yes, Betty.
l've had a real bad night.

820
01:09:10,836 --> 01:09:14,670
The only thing I ask is that
you take care of Chester Rush,
and then you can leave.

821
01:09:14,740 --> 01:09:17,766
I don't feel like it!
Ted, he's a very important
guest of the hotel.

822
01:09:17,843 --> 01:09:19,777
ln fact, he's the most
important guest of the hotel.

823
01:09:19,845 --> 01:09:22,370
The Mon Signor used to be
a haven for movie stars.

824
01:09:22,448 --> 01:09:24,780
Through the Thirties, Forties
and first halfof the Fifties,

825
01:09:24,850 --> 01:09:27,842
more movie stars, if you break it down
on a night-by-night basis,

826
01:09:27,920 --> 01:09:30,388
stayed at the Mon Signor than
any other hotel in Hollywood.

827
01:09:30,456 --> 01:09:32,390
Now, we had some hard times
in the Eighties,

828
01:09:32,458 --> 01:09:34,517
even though we were the official
hotel of Cannon Pictures,

829
01:09:34,593 --> 01:09:36,458
but we're comin' back strong
in the Nineties.

830
01:09:36,529 --> 01:09:39,054
And a movie star clientele
is important to that comeback.

831
01:09:39,131 --> 01:09:41,691
Now, you look here--
He probably just wants some champagne.

832
01:09:41,767 --> 01:09:45,259
You can do that, can't you?
Ted. Just take care of him.

833
01:09:45,338 --> 01:09:47,863
The entire staffof
the Mon Signor is begging you.

834
01:09:47,940 --> 01:09:53,378
Okay. But you get your ass
down here pronto!

835
01:09:53,446 --> 01:09:56,540
You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.

836
01:10:04,657 --> 01:10:09,458
Hello, Mr. Rush.
Sorry for the delay.

837
01:10:09,528 --> 01:10:11,359
How can I help you?

838
01:10:25,778 --> 01:10:30,545
Get your skanky asses
the fuck outta here!

839
01:10:53,105 --> 01:10:55,164
Room service.

840
01:10:57,910 --> 01:10:59,844
Hello, Theodore.

841
01:11:02,915 --> 01:11:07,409
What the f-fuck are you doing here?
Havin' a drink.

842
01:11:07,486 --> 01:11:09,852
ls Sigfried here?

843
01:11:09,922 --> 01:11:12,857
Are you kidding? He'll probably
be asleep 'til Christmas.

844
01:11:12,925 --> 01:11:15,189
Hey, everybody.
The bellboy is here.

845
01:11:15,261 --> 01:11:18,924
The bellboy's here!
Oh, my God! Shit!

846
01:11:18,998 --> 01:11:22,957
Happy New Year!
Entra! Entra!

847
01:11:23,035 --> 01:11:25,731
Hey, bellboy!

848
01:11:28,474 --> 01:11:31,568
Mr. Rush,
I'm sorry I'm late.

849
01:11:31,644 --> 01:11:34,112
But l, I think you'll find
I have everything you need.

850
01:11:34,180 --> 01:11:38,549
No problema, el bellboy.
No problema.

851
01:11:38,617 --> 01:11:41,711
His name is Theodore.
Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted.

852
01:11:41,787 --> 01:11:45,484
It's Ted, sir.
So, Ted, the bellboy,

853
01:11:45,558 --> 01:11:48,322
would you care for some champagne
as I was saying?

854
01:11:48,394 --> 01:11:50,419
All right, that wasn't
what I was saying.

855
01:11:50,496 --> 01:11:52,987
But would you care for some champagne?
Um, I'm on duty, sir.

856
01:11:53,065 --> 01:11:56,626
Duty, smooty, come on. It's like
Cristal. It's the very best they make.

857
01:11:56,702 --> 01:12:00,798
I didn't like champagne
'tiI I had Cristal. Now I love it.

858
01:12:00,873 --> 01:12:02,898
Come on!
lf I must, sir.

859
01:12:02,975 --> 01:12:05,773
Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin.
Chin-chin.

860
01:12:05,845 --> 01:12:08,678
For our purposes, promptness
is far behind thoroughness.

861
01:12:08,747 --> 01:12:11,978
Drink up, lad.

862
01:12:12,051 --> 01:12:14,076
What do you say?
Ah, thank you, sir.

863
01:12:14,153 --> 01:12:16,951
No, not thank you. What do you say
about the tasty beverage?

864
01:12:17,022 --> 01:12:19,013
Um, oh,
it's very good.

865
01:12:19,091 --> 01:12:21,116
It's fucking good, Ted.
Fucking good!

866
01:12:21,193 --> 01:12:23,184
Let's try it again, shall we?
Got a light?

867
01:12:23,262 --> 01:12:25,594
Okay, so, Ted, what do you think
about that tasty beverage?

868
01:12:25,664 --> 01:12:27,461
It's fucking good!

869
01:12:27,533 --> 01:12:30,969
It's fucking Cristal.
Everything else is piss.

870
01:12:31,036 --> 01:12:33,334
Bellboy.
Bellboy. Bellboy!

871
01:12:33,405 --> 01:12:36,670
Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up!
You're makin' my friend Ted nervous.

872
01:12:36,742 --> 01:12:40,303
Chill out, dude.
Pay no attention to Norman here.

873
01:12:40,379 --> 01:12:43,314
He's just-That's from Quadrophenia.
He's just fuckin' with you.

874
01:12:43,382 --> 01:12:46,317
Now me, personally,
when I think of bellboy,

875
01:12:46,385 --> 01:12:49,286
I think of The Bellboy
with Jerry Lewis.

876
01:12:49,355 --> 01:12:53,052
Did you ever see that film, Ted?
Um... no, sir.

877
01:12:53,125 --> 01:12:55,685
Oh, you should. It's one
of Jerry's better movies.

878
01:12:55,761 --> 01:12:58,389
He doesn't say a word
through the entire film.

879
01:12:58,464 --> 01:13:01,695
It's a completely
silent performance.

880
01:13:01,767 --> 01:13:04,167
Now how many actors
can pull that off?

881
01:13:04,236 --> 01:13:08,172
I gotta tell you, that guy,
he's gotta go to France to get respect.

882
01:13:08,240 --> 01:13:10,231
That says it all
about America right there.

883
01:13:10,309 --> 01:13:13,244
Just that one little sentence says
it all about America right there.

884
01:13:13,312 --> 01:13:16,372
The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every
newspaper in this fuckin' country...

885
01:13:16,448 --> 01:13:18,882
is gonna be writin' articles
callin' the man a genius.

886
01:13:18,951 --> 01:13:21,920
It's not right. It's not right
and it's not fuckin' fair!

887
01:13:21,987 --> 01:13:26,583
But why should that surprise
anybody? When the hell has
America ever been fair?

888
01:13:26,659 --> 01:13:30,993
We might be right every once in awhile,
but we're very rarely fair.

889
01:13:35,134 --> 01:13:38,262
Oh. Um... where
shall I put this, sir?

890
01:13:40,506 --> 01:13:42,667
You in a hurry there, Ted?

891
01:13:42,741 --> 01:13:47,269
Uh, well, um--
Not particularly.

892
01:13:47,346 --> 01:13:50,179
Good there! Okay, then gotta stop
playin' ""Beat the Clock.""

893
01:13:50,249 --> 01:13:53,446
Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody.
Now, see that girl over there?

894
01:13:53,519 --> 01:13:55,453
All right, that's
our friend from downstairs.

895
01:13:55,521 --> 01:13:57,751
We just met her at the pool.
You seem to be acquainted.

896
01:13:57,823 --> 01:14:00,383
Yeah, Theodore and I go
way back, don't we, Theodore?

897
01:14:00,459 --> 01:14:02,757
Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.

898
01:14:02,828 --> 01:14:06,764
I only let people with loaded guns
pointed at my head call me Theodore.

899
01:14:06,832 --> 01:14:09,699
The man sittin' in this chair
with the Jim Beam in his hand,

900
01:14:09,768 --> 01:14:12,703
yellin' ""Bellboy"" at you
is Norman.

901
01:14:12,771 --> 01:14:17,105
Norman, say hello to Ted.

902
01:14:17,176 --> 01:14:19,235
What's up, Ted?
What's up, sir?

903
01:14:19,311 --> 01:14:23,213
And the sociable son ofa bitch
in that room over there is Leo.

904
01:14:23,282 --> 01:14:26,115
And the person on the other end of
the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.

905
01:14:26,185 --> 01:14:28,449
Leo!
What?

906
01:14:28,520 --> 01:14:30,784
Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
Hold on a second. What?

907
01:14:30,856 --> 01:14:34,883
Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
Here. Come here.

908
01:14:34,960 --> 01:14:38,953
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo!

909
01:14:39,031 --> 01:14:41,795
Leo, that is Ted the bellboy.
That's me.

910
01:14:41,867 --> 01:14:44,631
The bellboy we called
about 20, 25 minutes ago.

911
01:14:44,703 --> 01:14:47,604
Oh, Ted the bellboy.
Well, my goodness.

912
01:14:47,673 --> 01:14:50,972
Glad you could make it, chum.
Glad I could be here.

913
01:14:51,043 --> 01:14:54,012
Ellen, what does punctuality
have to do with love?

914
01:14:54,079 --> 01:14:56,946
Which brings me to me.
Could you explain that to me, please?

915
01:14:57,016 --> 01:15:00,975
Chester Rush, Ted.
Pleased to meet ya.

916
01:15:01,053 --> 01:15:03,988
I'm pleased to meet you, sir.
Oh, Chester.

917
01:15:04,056 --> 01:15:06,581
Not ""sir.""
Chester.

918
01:15:06,659 --> 01:15:09,594
Chester? Oh, Chester.

919
01:15:09,662 --> 01:15:12,529
Um, terribly sorry I haven't
seen the movie yet, sir, but--

920
01:15:12,598 --> 01:15:14,657
No worries.
No worries at all.

921
01:15:14,733 --> 01:15:16,667
Don't worry.
Don't be sorry about that.

922
01:15:16,735 --> 01:15:19,602
You know, it's just, that's
why God invented video. No problem.

923
01:15:19,672 --> 01:15:22,004
You got a point, sir.
But you know what?

924
01:15:22,074 --> 01:15:25,168
A lot of people did see it. Whole lot
of motherfuckers saw that movie.

925
01:15:25,244 --> 01:15:27,178
Didn't they? Didn't they?
A whole lot--

926
01:15:27,246 --> 01:15:32,183
Lot of motherfuckers
saw The Wacky Detective.

927
01:15:33,352 --> 01:15:36,185
The Wacky Detective, sir.

928
01:15:36,255 --> 01:15:38,519
Who drank out of this bottle last?
Uh?

929
01:15:38,590 --> 01:15:40,820
I said, ""Who drank out
of this bottle last?""

930
01:15:40,893 --> 01:15:44,693
What the fuck's wrong?
It's fuckin' flat, man.
That's what's fuckin' wrong.

931
01:15:44,763 --> 01:15:48,859
Goddamn Cristal is fuckin' flat.
There ain't a goddamn bubble
left in the fuckin' bottle, man.

932
01:15:48,934 --> 01:15:52,165
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is goin' on here?
Chill out, man.

933
01:15:52,237 --> 01:15:55,206
Who fuckin'-Who-Fuck--
Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?

934
01:15:55,274 --> 01:15:57,674
All right? Somebody!
I didn't do this!

935
01:15:57,743 --> 01:15:59,734
I was drinkin' out of
that other bottle there.

936
01:15:59,812 --> 01:16:01,973
Somebody didn't put the fuckin' cork
in the bottle. Who didn't put it in?

937
01:16:02,047 --> 01:16:04,015
Chester, do you want me to open
another bottle of champ--
Who didn't put it in?

938
01:16:04,083 --> 01:16:06,074
Do you want me to open
another bottle of champagne?

939
01:16:06,151 --> 01:16:08,085
No, don't you fuckin'
open another bottle!

940
01:16:08,153 --> 01:16:10,417
I-I-I got enough right here.
Fucking shit, man.

941
01:16:10,489 --> 01:16:12,753
God, we've opened
enough fucking bottles!

942
01:16:12,825 --> 01:16:15,259
Do you know how much this shit
costs? No! You don't.
Yes, I do.

943
01:16:15,327 --> 01:16:17,420
No! You don't!
No! You don't!

944
01:16:17,496 --> 01:16:22,058
'Cause it's fucking free, man. It's just
fucking free to you fucking assholes.

945
01:16:22,134 --> 01:16:24,830
Shit. I give and I give
and I give and I give and I give.

946
01:16:24,903 --> 01:16:29,397
What was I talkin' about?

947
01:16:29,475 --> 01:16:32,569
Um, you were saying
that The Wacky Detective...

948
01:16:32,644 --> 01:16:34,703
was a very popular movie.

949
01:16:34,780 --> 01:16:39,615
Yes, it was. And it was popular--
very, very popular-before video.

950
01:16:39,685 --> 01:16:44,019
It was popular before foreign!
It was popular before p-pay TV.

951
01:16:44,089 --> 01:16:47,616
And before free TV.
Before all that shit!

952
01:16:47,693 --> 01:16:50,753
The Wacky Detective was making--
Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?

953
01:16:50,829 --> 01:16:54,196
Leo! Leo. What was the final take
on domestic?

954
01:16:54,266 --> 01:16:56,291
$72.1million.

955
01:16:56,368 --> 01:16:58,962
$72.1million.
Ellen, I'm sorry.

956
01:16:59,037 --> 01:17:02,234
That's fucking asses
in fucking seats.

957
01:17:02,307 --> 01:17:04,275
You know, it's not your fault.
I mean, they hit you both barrels.

958
01:17:04,343 --> 01:17:06,937
But you know, fuck, you know, I just
would like a little consideration.

959
01:17:07,012 --> 01:17:09,913
And my new one,
The Dog Catcher,

960
01:17:09,982 --> 01:17:12,450
which, by the way, is testing
right through the ceiling,

961
01:17:12,518 --> 01:17:15,578
all right, is projected
to gross a hundred.

962
01:17:15,654 --> 01:17:19,920
The Dog Catcher.
The Dog Catcher, Chester.

963
01:17:24,196 --> 01:17:26,892
Oh, thank you, sir.
That's the good stuff.

964
01:17:26,965 --> 01:17:29,763
Now, take a look at some of
these goodies you brought us, okay?

965
01:17:29,835 --> 01:17:34,295
Um, f-far be it--
Far be it for me, uh, Chester--
Uh-huh.

966
01:17:34,373 --> 01:17:37,399
But I was just wondering if you could
tell me, what is all that stuff for?

967
01:17:37,476 --> 01:17:39,808
Hey, one thing at a time, man.
I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.

968
01:17:39,878 --> 01:17:42,472
So let's not jump ahead.
Very good, sir.

969
01:17:42,548 --> 01:17:45,073
Norman, Norman, Norman, come on,
come on. I think you might want
to look at some of this shit.

970
01:17:45,150 --> 01:17:48,142
Hey, you damn skimpy.
All right, men.

971
01:17:50,789 --> 01:17:53,781
All right, man.
Tell it.

972
01:17:55,360 --> 01:17:58,158
A block of wood.

973
01:17:58,230 --> 01:18:00,892
Continue.

974
01:18:00,966 --> 01:18:03,491
Three nails.
Why three nails?

975
01:18:03,569 --> 01:18:07,505
That's how many Peter Lorre
asked for. Continue, Ted.

976
01:18:07,573 --> 01:18:09,803
A ball of twine.

977
01:18:09,875 --> 01:18:12,844
Well, that is definitely
a ball of twine. Continue!

978
01:18:14,246 --> 01:18:16,908
A bucket... of ice.

979
01:18:16,982 --> 01:18:18,916
You into it?
I'm into it.

980
01:18:18,984 --> 01:18:20,918
All right.
Go on!

981
01:18:23,789 --> 01:18:26,155
A doughnut.
That's for me.

982
01:18:29,828 --> 01:18:33,855
A club sandwich.
That is mine.

983
01:18:35,968 --> 01:18:40,769
And... a hatchet!

984
01:18:40,839 --> 01:18:46,038
""A hatchet as sharp as the devil
himself,"" is what I asked for.

985
01:18:46,111 --> 01:18:49,012
Well, sir-Chester--
you be the judge.

986
01:18:49,081 --> 01:18:52,573
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll be the judge.

987
01:18:52,651 --> 01:18:55,017
Careful, sir.
What do you think?

988
01:18:55,087 --> 01:18:58,022
It's a sharp
motherfucker.

989
01:18:58,090 --> 01:19:02,720
Forget the nails and the twine.
Bring all this other bullshit
over to the bar. Come on.

990
01:19:02,794 --> 01:19:05,627
Let's go. Pronto, man.
You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.

991
01:19:05,697 --> 01:19:08,723
Right you are, sir.
Norman? Yeah?

992
01:19:08,800 --> 01:19:12,566
Yes, it's my job.
Yes, it's my fucking job. You know that.

993
01:19:12,638 --> 01:19:15,801
He wanted to stay out late. I can't--
I went to the Monkey Bar, all right?

994
01:19:15,874 --> 01:19:18,308
Don't yell-I'm not yelling!

995
01:19:18,377 --> 01:19:21,471
Hey! I'm not yellin'!
You're the one that's fuckin' yellin'!

996
01:19:21,546 --> 01:19:26,609
Fuck-Don't hang up on me!
Ellen, please don't hang up on
me. Please don't hang up on me.

997
01:19:26,685 --> 01:19:29,153
Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God,
if you hang up on me--

998
01:19:29,221 --> 01:19:33,123
You cock-fucking New York bitch.
Fuckin' call better be genuine,
'cause I'm gonna get a divorce!

999
01:19:33,191 --> 01:19:35,284
Yo, Leo?
Fuck!

1000
01:19:35,360 --> 01:19:38,761
Another fucking Honeymooners
goin' on in there.
Fuckin', fuckin' shit, man!

1001
01:19:38,830 --> 01:19:42,766
What the fuck is wrong-What the fuck
is wrong with the fuckin' bitch, man?

1002
01:19:42,834 --> 01:19:46,463
I'm gonna take the fuckin' car. I'm
gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland.

1003
01:19:46,538 --> 01:19:50,907
I am gonna fuckin' drag her
fuckin' ass and throw her down
Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!

1004
01:19:50,976 --> 01:19:54,810
You're still married, man?
Yeah. I don't fucking know anymore.

1005
01:19:54,880 --> 01:19:57,610
I swear to Christ, Norman.
I fuckin' swear to God, man.

1006
01:19:57,683 --> 01:20:00,743
What the fuck is wrong--
I treat this fuckin' bitch like
a queen! You know that, man.

1007
01:20:00,819 --> 01:20:02,946
I know that.
So I had a little
fuckin' too much to drink!

1008
01:20:03,021 --> 01:20:06,479
It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's
Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home.

1009
01:20:06,558 --> 01:20:09,026
Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry.
I'm fuckin' sorry about that.

1010
01:20:09,094 --> 01:20:12,655
What do you want me to do?
Get in a fuckin' car, and go run
over six or seven fuckin' kids?

1011
01:20:12,731 --> 01:20:14,961
That'd be real fuckin' nice.

1012
01:20:15,033 --> 01:20:19,026
Man, what the fuck is the matter
with this bitch?

1013
01:20:19,104 --> 01:20:22,005
Fuck!

1014
01:20:22,074 --> 01:20:24,008
What the fuck
is all this?

1015
01:20:24,076 --> 01:20:26,010
Block of wood, bucket
of ice and a hatchet, sir.

1016
01:20:26,078 --> 01:20:28,808
Get the fuck outta here.
Chester, talk to me. Norman?

1017
01:20:28,880 --> 01:20:32,043
We now return you to
The Man From Rio already in progress.

1018
01:20:32,117 --> 01:20:34,051
Oh, my fucking dick
is hard already.

1019
01:20:34,119 --> 01:20:36,110
Tell me, Norman,
you're gonna do this shit!

1020
01:20:36,188 --> 01:20:39,487
I am gonna do it.
Oh, you are my fuckin' hero.

1021
01:20:39,558 --> 01:20:42,026
They better, after talkin' about it
all night. I wanna see a show.

1022
01:20:42,094 --> 01:20:44,392
Come here.
Give me your motherfuckin'--
All right then.

1023
01:20:44,463 --> 01:20:47,023
Well, if that's everything.
I got Cedars lined up, man.

1024
01:20:47,099 --> 01:20:49,329
I got a doctor waitin'
in the fuckin' emergency.

1025
01:20:49,401 --> 01:20:53,235
Fuck the
emergency, man. I'm gonna grab
his motherfucking car from him.

1026
01:20:53,305 --> 01:20:55,899
Just in case.
Hey, just in fucking case.

1027
01:20:55,974 --> 01:20:58,568
I'll just be off back downstairs, sir.
Not so fast.

1028
01:20:58,643 --> 01:21:01,077
Fuckin' treat that bitch
like a queen, man.
We're gonna walk back...

1029
01:21:01,146 --> 01:21:03,137
to this little bar here.
I told you to dump her, didn't l?

1030
01:21:03,215 --> 01:21:05,581
We're gonna sit down, 'cause
we ain't quite through yet.

1031
01:21:05,650 --> 01:21:09,381
Leo. Sit on this little red stool.
Sit down on this little red stool,

1032
01:21:09,454 --> 01:21:15,086
while I explain the festivities
of the evening to you.

1033
01:21:15,160 --> 01:21:18,061
All right.
Um, sir?

1034
01:21:18,130 --> 01:21:20,064
Uh-huh.
A word in your ear, sir.

1035
01:21:20,132 --> 01:21:22,191
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Excusez-moi.

1036
01:21:22,267 --> 01:21:25,259
I treat that bitch like a queen, man.
Chester.

1037
01:21:25,337 --> 01:21:27,362
That shit don't help,
treating a woman like a queen.

1038
01:21:27,439 --> 01:21:31,671
I'm fuckin' working.
As long as you
don't break up the furniture,

1039
01:21:31,743 --> 01:21:33,768
I don't give a fuck
what you do.

1040
01:21:33,845 --> 01:21:35,779
Took all your money.
Gonna take your kids and house.
As far as I'm concerned,

1041
01:21:35,847 --> 01:21:38,839
go ahead, trash the place!

1042
01:21:38,917 --> 01:21:41,886
Oh, but, look, let me explain
what we're talkin' about.

1043
01:21:41,953 --> 01:21:44,421
Sir, sir, you don't have
to explain anything to me.

1044
01:21:44,489 --> 01:21:49,222
Whatever constitutes a good
time, as far as you guys are
concerned, that's your business.

1045
01:21:49,294 --> 01:21:53,788
Well, no, it's your business too, Ted,
because we want you to take part.

1046
01:21:56,601 --> 01:22:00,367
Take part in what, sir?

1047
01:22:00,439 --> 01:22:04,273
Chester, your way of breakin'
the news to him gently is
scarin' the fuck outta him.

1048
01:22:04,342 --> 01:22:06,276
Think so?
Just spit it out.

1049
01:22:06,344 --> 01:22:08,312
Okay, okay, here we go.
Okay.

1050
01:22:08,380 --> 01:22:11,110
Thing is, Ted,
first off,

1051
01:22:11,183 --> 01:22:13,981
there's nothing homosexual
about what we want you to do.

1052
01:22:14,052 --> 01:22:16,077
I mean, I was thinkin'
you might be thinkin'...

1053
01:22:16,154 --> 01:22:18,315
that we want you to do somethin'
like weird sex thing,

1054
01:22:18,390 --> 01:22:20,881
you know, like, suck us off,
pee on us, shit like that.

1055
01:22:20,959 --> 01:22:23,120
Nothing, nothing could be
further from the truth.

1056
01:22:23,195 --> 01:22:25,755
Can I just jump in here for a second?
No. No.

1057
01:22:25,831 --> 01:22:28,732
My kind of way of telling him
is kind of going all around the world.

1058
01:22:28,800 --> 01:22:31,064
But it's the journey that's worth it.
Yeah, well, I see that.

1059
01:22:31,136 --> 01:22:34,071
But he's been here for 15
minutes and you have, you know,
talked about everything but--

1060
01:22:34,139 --> 01:22:37,108
What do you care?
Why don't you just shut
the fuck up, bitch?

1061
01:22:37,175 --> 01:22:39,268
""Bitch""?
Bitch!

1062
01:22:39,344 --> 01:22:41,938
Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's
being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?

1063
01:22:42,013 --> 01:22:45,847
Whoa!
Cork boy, man! Business card!

1064
01:22:45,917 --> 01:22:48,681
I see a new business card.

1065
01:22:48,753 --> 01:22:50,983
Excuse me, if it
please the court.

1066
01:22:51,056 --> 01:22:55,083
Allow me to present
our intentions to Theodore.

1067
01:22:55,160 --> 01:22:59,028
I second the nomination.
I move that nomination be closed!

1068
01:22:59,097 --> 01:23:01,031
Thank you.
The court is yours, Leo.

1069
01:23:01,099 --> 01:23:03,192
Thank you very much,
Chester.

1070
01:23:03,268 --> 01:23:08,001
Ted, you ever seen any of them
old Alfred Hitchcock episodes?
Yes, sir.

1071
01:23:08,073 --> 01:23:12,203
You ever see the one called The Man From
Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?

1072
01:23:12,277 --> 01:23:14,302
Uh--
Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it.

1073
01:23:14,379 --> 01:23:16,677
It's called The Man From Rio
with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.

1074
01:23:16,748 --> 01:23:19,979
Anyway, Peter Lorre makes
a bet with Steve McQueen...

1075
01:23:20,051 --> 01:23:23,384
that Steve McQueen can't light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row.

1076
01:23:23,455 --> 01:23:26,219
Now, if Steve McQueen lights his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,

1077
01:23:26,291 --> 01:23:28,225
he wins Peter Lorre's
new car.

1078
01:23:28,293 --> 01:23:32,229
But if he does not light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,

1079
01:23:32,297 --> 01:23:36,893
Peter Lorre gets to chop off
Steve McQueen's little pinky.

1080
01:23:36,968 --> 01:23:41,132
Norman and Chester here
just made that same bet.

1081
01:23:41,206 --> 01:23:44,369
Norman has bet
his pinky...

1082
01:23:44,442 --> 01:23:48,503
that he can light his cigarette lighter
ten times in a row.

1083
01:23:48,580 --> 01:23:50,514
lf he does,

1084
01:23:50,582 --> 01:23:54,916
he wins Chester's
1964 Chevy Chevelle...

1085
01:23:54,986 --> 01:23:57,921
red, fuckin',
beautiful car.

1086
01:23:57,989 --> 01:24:02,892
lf he doesn't, chop off
his fuckin' pinky. What do you say?

1087
01:24:09,668 --> 01:24:11,602
You guys are drunk.

1088
01:24:11,670 --> 01:24:14,503
Yes!
Of course! Of course we're drunk!

1089
01:24:14,573 --> 01:24:16,507
Teddy, that's why we're here,
but that does not mean...

1090
01:24:16,575 --> 01:24:18,736
that we don't know what the fuck
we're talking about.

1091
01:24:18,810 --> 01:24:20,778
I'm gonna tell you what
the fuck I'm talkin' about.

1092
01:24:20,845 --> 01:24:23,109
I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talkin' about.

1093
01:24:23,181 --> 01:24:26,344
I drive a motherfucking Honda
that my sister sold me.

1094
01:24:26,418 --> 01:24:31,583
You hear what I'm saying? A little
white motherfuckin' Honda Civic!

1095
01:24:31,656 --> 01:24:33,886
You see this shit?

1096
01:24:33,959 --> 01:24:36,086
""Hollywood's hottest new star--
That's me.

1097
01:24:36,161 --> 01:24:38,459
next to America's
hottest old car.

1098
01:24:38,530 --> 01:24:40,964
That's the car I own.
Are you listenin' to me? Are you?

1099
01:24:41,032 --> 01:24:45,264
Goddamn shit!
Are you listening to me?

1100
01:24:45,337 --> 01:24:47,532
Now you take a good long look
at that there machine...

1101
01:24:47,606 --> 01:24:50,200
that this motherfucker
over here's standin' next to.

1102
01:24:50,275 --> 01:24:55,110
That's a 1964 nigger-red,
ragtop Chevy Chevelle.

1103
01:24:55,180 --> 01:24:59,310
And I love that car more than
I love hips, lips or fingertips.

1104
01:24:59,384 --> 01:25:04,117
Cut to: We're sittin' here
celebratin', gettin' high,

1105
01:25:04,189 --> 01:25:06,487
drinking champagne--
Drinking Cristal.

1106
01:25:06,558 --> 01:25:08,890
When you're drinking champagne,
you're drinking champagne.

1107
01:25:08,960 --> 01:25:11,485
When you're drinking Cristal,
you say you're drinking Cristal.

1108
01:25:11,563 --> 01:25:14,760
Whatever that pissity-ass thing is,
we are drinking it, you know.

1109
01:25:14,833 --> 01:25:16,824
And we are watching TV.

1110
01:25:16,901 --> 01:25:19,335
What, what? Hey, hey, hey.
When all of a sudden,

1111
01:25:19,404 --> 01:25:23,238
we flip on Steve McQueen, Peter
Lorre being fuckin' badasses.

1112
01:25:23,308 --> 01:25:25,242
Badass!
Badasses!

1113
01:25:25,310 --> 01:25:28,108
And I look over at this
funny-looking motherfucker over here,

1114
01:25:28,179 --> 01:25:32,081
and I say, ""l'd do that
for the Chevelle.""

1115
01:25:32,150 --> 01:25:36,849
I'm funny.
And that's when Chester says--

1116
01:25:38,256 --> 01:25:41,657
""Oh, really?""

1117
01:25:44,596 --> 01:25:48,032
Well, you guys wouldn't be doing
something this stupid unless
you were really fucking drunk.

1118
01:25:48,099 --> 01:25:50,090
We already told you
we were drunk, Ted.

1119
01:25:50,168 --> 01:25:52,136
That goes without
motherfucking saying.

1120
01:25:52,203 --> 01:25:55,036
'Cause if we wasn't drunk,
we'd probably chicken out.

1121
01:25:55,106 --> 01:25:57,700
When you're fucked up,
you don't lie.

1122
01:25:57,776 --> 01:25:59,971
Man, you tell
the fuckin' truth.

1123
01:26:00,045 --> 01:26:02,138
You want to know what
the fuckin' truth is?

1124
01:26:02,213 --> 01:26:04,977
The fuckin' truth is, my
lucky Zippo is gonna win me...

1125
01:26:05,050 --> 01:26:07,541
Chester's fucking car.

1126
01:26:07,619 --> 01:26:11,316
Which brings us to your part
in this little wager, Ted.

1127
01:26:11,389 --> 01:26:13,289
I don't have a part, sir.

1128
01:26:17,228 --> 01:26:19,890
That's it. Like my old granddaddy
used to always say,

1129
01:26:19,964 --> 01:26:21,989
""The less a man makes
declarative statements,

1130
01:26:22,067 --> 01:26:24,729
the less apt he is to look
foolish in retrospect.

1131
01:26:24,803 --> 01:26:27,670
That's quite brilliant, sir.
Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.

1132
01:26:27,739 --> 01:26:30,333
Thing is, there are some inherent
obstacles in this undertaking.

1133
01:26:30,408 --> 01:26:32,501
Aside from the obvious.

1134
01:26:32,577 --> 01:26:36,479
First of which is being
the fact that I'm not like
Peter Lorre on that TV show.

1135
01:26:36,548 --> 01:26:39,915
I'm not some sick fuck travelin'
the countryside collecting fingers.

1136
01:26:39,984 --> 01:26:41,918
All right, you know,
we're all buddies here.

1137
01:26:41,986 --> 01:26:45,547
No one wants Norman to lose his finger.
We just want to chop it off.

1138
01:26:45,623 --> 01:26:47,591
You know, if fate doesn't
smile on old Norman,

1139
01:26:47,659 --> 01:26:50,355
we'll put that fucker on ice,
whisk it right to the hospital,

1140
01:26:50,428 --> 01:26:52,760
where in all likelihood they'll be able
to sew it right back on.

1141
01:26:52,831 --> 01:26:55,061
Well, hopefully, sir.

1142
01:26:55,133 --> 01:26:57,829
Yeah, well, they sewed
that guy's dick back on. They
can sew Norman's pinky back on.

1143
01:26:57,902 --> 01:27:00,234
Yeah, how hard can it be?
Yeah, good point.

1144
01:27:00,305 --> 01:27:02,739
So, Norman, he's,
he's taken care of, you know.

1145
01:27:02,807 --> 01:27:05,275
His interests
have been looked after.

1146
01:27:05,343 --> 01:27:09,040
My interests,
on the other hand, have not.

1147
01:27:09,114 --> 01:27:13,744
I am as emotionally attached to my car
as Norman is physically to his finger.

1148
01:27:13,818 --> 01:27:17,379
That's a very fuckin' piece ofexpensive
machinery I'm putting on this wager.

1149
01:27:17,455 --> 01:27:20,015
And, you know, if I lose, I lose.
That's fine. That's no problem.

1150
01:27:20,091 --> 01:27:23,424
I have no problem with that.
I'm a big boy. I knew exactly
what the hell I was doing.

1151
01:27:23,495 --> 01:27:27,693
But if I win,
I wanna win. All right?

1152
01:27:27,766 --> 01:27:32,100
lf Norman lights his cigarette lighter
ten times in a fuckin' row,

1153
01:27:32,170 --> 01:27:35,970
he's gonna have no emotional problems
whatsoever about taking my car keys.

1154
01:27:36,040 --> 01:27:40,909
But if I win,

1155
01:27:40,979 --> 01:27:45,814
well, it's not inconceivable
that at the last minute...

1156
01:27:45,884 --> 01:27:48,876
maybe neither Leo or l...

1157
01:27:48,953 --> 01:27:52,320
will be able to...
wield the axe.

1158
01:27:52,390 --> 01:27:55,553
A hatchet, sir.
Wield the hatchet.

1159
01:27:55,627 --> 01:27:58,824
Which brings us
full circle to you, Ted.

1160
01:27:58,897 --> 01:28:02,765
Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.

1161
01:28:02,834 --> 01:28:05,064
Complete-stranger Ted.

1162
01:28:05,136 --> 01:28:07,400
lmpartial Ted.

1163
01:28:07,472 --> 01:28:11,841
Just-met-us-and-couldn't-
give-a-fuck-about-us Ted.

1164
01:28:11,910 --> 01:28:16,677
We want you
to be the dice man.

1165
01:28:18,850 --> 01:28:21,751
Hell of a night, huh, Ted?

1166
01:28:24,756 --> 01:28:26,690
l've got to get out of here.

1167
01:28:27,692 --> 01:28:30,024
Money!

1168
01:28:33,865 --> 01:28:37,995
Ted, I got a $100 bill here
with your name on it,

1169
01:28:38,069 --> 01:28:40,970
whether you do
what we ask or not.

1170
01:28:41,039 --> 01:28:44,008
Just to sit back down in
that chair for one minute more.

1171
01:28:44,075 --> 01:28:47,977
I am not gonna cut off
Norman's little pinky!

1172
01:28:48,046 --> 01:28:49,980
Well, maybe you will
and maybe you won't.

1173
01:28:50,048 --> 01:28:52,414
But that has nothin' to do
with this $100 bill in my hand.

1174
01:28:52,484 --> 01:28:55,783
ln fact, you can tell us all
to go fuck off and walk
right out that goddamn door.

1175
01:28:55,854 --> 01:28:57,913
But if you wait 60 seconds
before you do it,

1176
01:28:57,989 --> 01:29:01,481
you're gonna be $100 richer.

1177
01:29:01,559 --> 01:29:03,686
Ted, you're gonna do
whatever you wanna do.

1178
01:29:03,761 --> 01:29:07,253
All we're askin' is that you
indulge us for one minute more.

1179
01:29:07,332 --> 01:29:10,096
My friend Chester here is willing
to pay you for that minute.

1180
01:29:10,168 --> 01:29:13,831
Ted, take the money.

1181
01:29:20,111 --> 01:29:22,978
Now, let me get this straight.

1182
01:29:23,047 --> 01:29:25,777
I sit on that stool, listen
to what you have to say for 60 seconds,

1183
01:29:25,850 --> 01:29:28,819
and I get $100?
Correct.

1184
01:29:28,887 --> 01:29:32,220
And afterwards I can walk out
that door, no hard feelings?

1185
01:29:32,290 --> 01:29:34,224
None whatsoever.

1186
01:29:36,761 --> 01:29:38,695
You got a deal.

1187
01:29:38,763 --> 01:29:42,199
Yes!
Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,!

1188
01:29:42,267 --> 01:29:44,201
Ted, good answer.
Sit right down.

1189
01:29:44,269 --> 01:29:48,205
All right. Leo,
you be the timekeeper.

1190
01:29:48,273 --> 01:29:51,242
Norman, give me
your watch.

1191
01:29:51,309 --> 01:29:56,076
Let me know when a minute ends
and when it begins.

1192
01:29:56,147 --> 01:29:58,172
You got it.
Ah.

1193
01:29:58,249 --> 01:30:00,717
Okay.
Gentlemen, start your engines.

1194
01:30:08,159 --> 01:30:10,593
Begin.
Okay, Ted, pay attention here.

1195
01:30:10,662 --> 01:30:13,426
I'm gonna make two piles here
on the bar. One pile which is yours.

1196
01:30:13,498 --> 01:30:15,932
And another pile
which could be yours.

1197
01:30:16,000 --> 01:30:18,594
And what you have to realize
is we're gonna do this thing...

1198
01:30:18,670 --> 01:30:22,731
one way or the other.

1199
01:30:22,807 --> 01:30:26,868
Whether it's you who holds
the axe or a Mexican maid...

1200
01:30:26,945 --> 01:30:29,743
or some bum
we yank off the street.

1201
01:30:29,814 --> 01:30:32,715
You can buy a whole lot
of soup with that pile.
Shh! I'm the closer here.

1202
01:30:32,784 --> 01:30:35,082
All right. I'm a little me--
Um, l've lost count.

1203
01:30:35,153 --> 01:30:37,383
How much is on the bar here?
Six hundred.

1204
01:30:37,455 --> 01:30:42,552
Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes
the average American to count to 600?

1205
01:30:42,627 --> 01:30:46,757
It's a rhetorical question, Ted.
No, sir.

1206
01:30:46,831 --> 01:30:50,096
About one minute less than
it takes to count to 700.

1207
01:30:50,168 --> 01:30:53,626
Now, Ted, a person's life is filled
with a zillion little experiences.

1208
01:30:53,705 --> 01:30:57,232
Some which are insignificant, have no
meaning, and, you know, you forget them.

1209
01:30:57,308 --> 01:31:01,642
Others which you remember for
the rest of your natural life.

1210
01:31:01,713 --> 01:31:06,412
Now, since what we're proposing
here is so unusual,

1211
01:31:06,484 --> 01:31:09,578
so outside the norm,

1212
01:31:09,654 --> 01:31:13,920
that this is a good bet
that this is going to be one
of those incidents that sticks.

1213
01:31:13,992 --> 01:31:17,928
So, since you're gonna be
stuck remembering this
for the rest of your life,

1214
01:31:17,996 --> 01:31:21,295
you have to decide
what that memory will be.

1215
01:31:21,366 --> 01:31:24,824
So, Ted, are you going to
remember for the next 40 years,

1216
01:31:24,902 --> 01:31:26,893
give or take a decade,

1217
01:31:26,971 --> 01:31:31,305
that you refused $1,000
for one second's worth of work?

1218
01:31:31,376 --> 01:31:36,905
Or that you made $1,000
for one second's worth of work?

1219
01:31:36,981 --> 01:31:38,915
Time!

1220
01:31:38,983 --> 01:31:42,350
So, Ted, what's it gonna be?

1221
01:31:42,420 --> 01:31:45,116
Okay.
Yes!

1222
01:31:45,189 --> 01:31:47,282
Always be closing!

1223
01:31:47,358 --> 01:31:50,327
Whoo!
Right here, right now!
Before I change my mind!

1224
01:31:50,395 --> 01:31:53,023
Hear, hear.
Go. Let's go.

1225
01:31:53,097 --> 01:31:56,760
Get this shit over and done with.
Ahh!

1226
01:31:56,834 --> 01:32:00,099
Perfect, perfect, perfect. This is
one of those moments in time...

1227
01:32:00,171 --> 01:32:03,368
none of us are
ever gonna forget.

1228
01:32:03,441 --> 01:32:06,638
Norman, are you ready?
I'm ready.

1229
01:32:06,711 --> 01:32:10,477
Ted, are you ready?
Ready.

1230
01:32:10,548 --> 01:32:13,517
Okeydokey.
Norman...

1231
01:32:14,719 --> 01:32:16,653
begin.

1232
01:32:17,255 --> 01:32:20,520
Aaah!

1233
01:32:20,591 --> 01:32:22,718
My finger!
My fuckin' finger!

1234
01:32:22,794 --> 01:32:24,728
Chester,
my fuckin' finger, man!

1235
01:32:24,796 --> 01:32:26,730
He cut off my fuckin' finger!

1236
01:32:26,798 --> 01:32:29,528
Oh! It hurts!

1237
01:32:31,602 --> 01:32:34,799
My fuckin' finger, Chester!
He cut off my fuckin' finger!

1238
01:32:34,872 --> 01:32:39,070
Aaah! Oh, Leo!

1239
01:32:46,250 --> 01:32:48,241
Call Cedars, man!
Call fuckin' Cedars!

1240
01:32:48,319 --> 01:32:50,719
Wrap it up! Wrap it up!

1241
01:32:50,788 --> 01:32:54,315
Uh, yes, hi.
Could I talk to Don Levine, please?

1242
01:32:54,392 --> 01:32:59,091
Why'd you let me
do this? Why'd you let me do this?

1243
01:33:02,400 --> 01:33:05,062
What? What do you mean
he's in surgery?

1244
01:33:05,136 --> 01:33:07,764
He was expecting my call.
He was supposed to be there.

1245
01:33:07,839 --> 01:33:11,935
What? Who the fuck has
plastic surgery at 6:30 in
the morning on New Year's Eve?

1246
01:33:16,314 --> 01:33:21,251
Leo! Leo!
I need you to stand still!
I'll be right back! Hold it!

1247
01:33:21,319 --> 01:33:24,516
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
All right!

1248
01:33:24,589 --> 01:33:27,114
Oh! Leo!

1249
01:33:29,794 --> 01:33:31,762
I forgot the finger!
I gotta get the--

1250
01:33:31,829 --> 01:33:33,797
It's the finger!

1251
01:33:39,771 --> 01:33:42,433
I got the finger!
I got it! I got it!

1252
01:33:45,777 --> 01:33:48,041
Here! I got the finger
right here! You're on it!

1253
01:33:48,112 --> 01:33:50,910
Come on, come on!
The fuckin' door's closin'!

1254
01:33:50,982 --> 01:33:53,473
Here. Just put
some fuckin' ice in it.

1255
01:33:53,551 --> 01:33:55,485
All right, let's go.
Let's go! Let's go!

1256
01:33:55,553 --> 01:33:57,487
Let's go! Come on!
Get up, get up!

1257
01:33:57,555 --> 01:33:59,614
I'm gonna go back to my room.
Are you comin' or not?

1258
01:33:59,690 --> 01:34:01,624
No, it's been fun. I'll see ya.
Oh!

1259
01:34:01,692 --> 01:34:03,626
Close the fuckin' door!