1 00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:13,767 You can throw a fast one. 2 00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:27,350 How about it, kitten? What's the chance of a bit tonight? 3 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,654 Oh, why, yes, of course, boys. 4 00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:33,920 I'll leave the front door open, and you can all troop in and give me a jab. 5 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,221 Not up to it, then? 6 00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:41,165 You innocent, shovel-wielding, horny-handed sons of the native sod. 7 00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:44,264 Not many people are, munchkin. 8 00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:48,539 Not many people can take the tale of Patrick Braden... 9 00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,404 a.k.a. Saint Kitten... 10 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:54,811 who strutted the catwalks, face lit by a halo of flashbulbs... 11 00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:58,510 as, "Oh!" she shrieked, "I told you, from my best side, darlings." 12 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:01,651 I was born, you see, munchkin... 13 00:02:01,721 --> 00:02:04,656 in a small town near the Irish border. 14 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:08,123 I was left in a basket on a certain doorstep... 15 00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:10,219 and only the robins knew why. 16 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:13,728 Oh, but then, they knew everybody's business. 17 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,428 Those red-breasted busybodies. 18 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:21,206 Every secret behind every lace-curtain window. 19 00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:43,828 Uh-oh, behind you 20 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,136 This looks like trouble 21 00:02:58,811 --> 00:02:59,835 Oh dear! 22 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:03,641 Let's go 23 00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:53,728 Robins! Would you believe it, Father? Pecking at the cream. 24 00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,391 I suppose it's Christmas morning, after all. 25 00:03:57,837 --> 00:03:59,668 Is your breakfast all right? 26 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:04,742 Well, I'll get ready for Mass, so. God bless. 27 00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,045 God bless. 28 00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:16,511 He hasn't been himself lately, so. 29 00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:22,992 - No, he hasn't been himself at all... - Since the blonde housekeeper left 30 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:27,131 The one that looked like the film star... with the bubble-cut curls 31 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,335 Mitzi Gaynor! 32 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,979 - Just the job. - Mr. Steed? 33 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,016 - Cutex coral pink. - Yes. 34 00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,920 What a charming atmosphere you have here. 35 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,619 - Do you mind? - Not at all. 36 00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:54,358 - Thank you. - Will you have a love seat? 37 00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:56,054 The love seat? Why not? 38 00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:01,659 Mr. Lovejoy will see you in a moment. 39 00:05:01,734 --> 00:05:04,134 He's just congratulating one of our happy couples. 40 00:05:04,203 --> 00:05:06,000 - How very encouraging. - Yes. 41 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,369 Perhaps you'd like a glass of champers? 42 00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:10,932 - Champers? Now you're talking. - Or... 43 00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:14,776 - a piece of wedding cake? - No, thank you. I've just had breakfast. 44 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:17,274 Mr. Steed? 45 00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:22,787 My good shoes! My good shoes, you little brat! 46 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,722 Do it harder, Mammy. Teach him not to wear my dress again. 47 00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:28,226 He'll make a disgrace of us? Well, you'll not! 48 00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:29,727 Do you really have to? 49 00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:33,129 I'll march you up and down the street and disgrace you in front of the whole town. 50 00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:34,188 Promise? 51 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,693 Hit him with it, Ma! Give him the brush again! 52 00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:38,760 - Say, "I am not a girl." - I'm not a girl. 53 00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,830 - "I am a boy. I'm not a girl." - I'm a boy, not a girl. 54 00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,102 Say it right. 55 00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:44,367 Make him say it right, Ma. 56 00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:47,845 My heart broke from the cursed day I ever took you in. 57 00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:52,083 A short one by Gareth Carey, up along the far wing to Tony Haddon. 58 00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:54,642 Tony Haddon, 40 yards out now, from the... 59 00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:57,051 Off he goes then, the ball across him towards the center. 60 00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,114 And coming, Alfred Whitney. He's capped there. 61 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,217 Well down over his eyes is Nick Brady. 62 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,989 The ball comes over. Who's got it? Reid Morgan. 63 00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:04,552 Reid Morgan gets the 35-yard... 64 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,996 Brother Barnabas says he'll try you on the football team... 65 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,693 and I want you to read this. 66 00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:10,998 Heading high and to the right, and yes, it is... 67 00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:14,096 It's gone over the bar for the first goal of the game. 68 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,534 Paddy Gardy. 69 00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:20,611 The first goal of the game. Paddy Gardy took one from this side. 70 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,343 It had a curl on it, and one had to wait until the umpires gave their decision... 71 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,248 as to whether it was in or not. It was. 72 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,650 And I call my mother names. 73 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,587 Well, you know, you shouldn't do that, my son. 74 00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:32,681 What do you call her? 75 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,352 Hairy Arse. 76 00:06:35,294 --> 00:06:39,560 Hairy Arse and Bockedy Hole. And Cunthooks. 77 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,436 - Stay where you are! You must not proceed. - Jesus! 78 00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:57,142 You must not curse. If you curse, you'll be exterminated. 79 00:06:57,216 --> 00:06:58,205 Holy fuck! 80 00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:01,219 You've been warned, earthling. Now you must die! 81 00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:02,754 No, Dalek, please. 82 00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:12,897 - Sausages, sausages, stay where you are. - Yes, yes, of course! Please don't shoot! 83 00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:16,364 - Lawrence, come on. - Not now, I'm busy. I'm busy. 84 00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:18,504 - Come on. - I'm busy. 85 00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,306 Oh, figgly boogles, I'm dead. 86 00:07:23,075 --> 00:07:24,269 Die for Ireland? 87 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:25,867 I'm sorry, but it appeared to me... 88 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,776 that someone here had taken leave of their senses. 89 00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:29,678 Are you playing the game or not, Braden? 90 00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:33,480 Me play! Dying for Ireland. Earthling, stay where you are! 91 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,078 Well, come on, Englishman, a bullet, please. 92 00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:42,588 And next up is the dashing Feely... 93 00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:47,395 sporting a smoking jacket, fedora hat, and sunglasses by Gucci. 94 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,725 Madam. 95 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,004 The man himself. 96 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,277 - Your mother will be back in a while. - Oh. 97 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,282 So how's Patrick and the Braden household? 98 00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:06,612 They're well, Mr. Feely. 99 00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:10,317 Especially my mother, wherever she is. 100 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,893 So someone's told you something, Patrick? 101 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,719 They don't have to. 102 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,125 Hairy Arse Braden tells me every day. 103 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,664 Patrick, now... 104 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,159 I'm sorry, Mr. Feely. 105 00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:35,013 You know, I saw her once, your real mother... 106 00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:37,681 long after the day she left. 107 00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:39,983 It was in London. 108 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:44,085 I was doing work for Genie McQuillan. 109 00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,556 I was going home through Piccadilly... 110 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:51,094 and there, passing by, was Eily Bergin. 111 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,560 Lovely as the day she left, I swear it to God. 112 00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,763 Did you talk to her, Mr. Feely? 113 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:03,574 What did she say? 114 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:06,943 I shouted after her, Patrick, but she didn't hear. 115 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,014 London swallowed her up. 116 00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,313 The most beautiful girl in the town. 117 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,621 Biggest city in the world... 118 00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,352 it swallowed my mother up. 119 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,890 What about my father, Mr. Feely? 120 00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:28,525 I wouldn't know about that, son. Things be complicated, you know. 121 00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:32,764 What did she look like? 122 00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,634 Mitzi Gaynor, son. 123 00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:42,608 That's who she looked like, Mitzi. 124 00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:46,919 Mitzi Gaynor. 125 00:10:46,412 --> 00:10:50,439 Well, fuck me pink with a hairy arse! 126 00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:05,388 In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. 127 00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,843 You see, once upon a time... 128 00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:25,407 there was a young girl named Eily Bergin... 129 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:30,587 who looked not unlike the well-known film star Mitzi Gaynor... 130 00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:34,117 who sang I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair. 131 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:39,290 And she went to London, the biggest city in the world... 132 00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:41,092 which swallowed her up. 133 00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:44,365 But before she vanished... 134 00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:48,740 I think she worked as a priest's housekeeper, Father. 135 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,769 But I could be wrong there, couldn't I? 136 00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:54,442 I mean, I could be wrong. After all, I... 137 00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:06,958 All I wanted was her address. 138 00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:10,961 There between the Po and the Apennines, boys... 139 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,065 the climate is always the same. 140 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,933 The landscape never changes... 141 00:12:16,001 --> 00:12:19,164 and in country like this you can stop along any road for a moment... 142 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:23,072 and look at a farmhouse sitting in the middle of maize and hemp... 143 00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:26,639 and immediately a story is born. 144 00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:30,407 Now, when you're writing your essay for me this morning... 145 00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:32,974 whatever form it takes is up to you. 146 00:12:33,552 --> 00:12:37,454 It can be called "I Fought in the Easter Rising"... 147 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,750 "I Was Dracula's Girlfriend"... 148 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,658 or even "A Day in the Life of an Old Boot". 149 00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:51,127 You've got one hour, so learn to write. 150 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,558 "God bless us. 151 00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,193 "It's yourself"... 152 00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:21,165 - God bless us. It's yourself, ma'am. - It is indeed, Father. 153 00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:22,427 ...remarked... 154 00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:27,461 randy Father Liam... 155 00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:30,865 as he opened the door... 156 00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:33,142 to a young woman... 157 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,312 who bore a startling resemblance... 158 00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,213 to Mitzi Gaynor. 159 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:41,009 So you are the replacement for Mrs. McGlynn? 160 00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:42,678 I am indeed, Father. 161 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:46,352 Destroyed with the lumbago, she is. Destroyed, and that's a fact. 162 00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:48,893 But sure she'll be back on her feet soon, please God. 163 00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,724 Please God she will, now. 164 00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:53,422 But tell me this... 165 00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,526 have I begun to dote... 166 00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:58,867 or do you remind me of someone special? 167 00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:02,532 When she sensed a movement... 168 00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:06,739 underneath his black serge trousers. 169 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:08,904 Oh, Father, please, how could I? 170 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,345 When I've gone out of my way... 171 00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:14,409 knowing that your dicky doodle, naughty poopster that he is... 172 00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:16,448 given the slightest encouragement... 173 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,422 would be only too eager to get up to mischief... 174 00:14:18,490 --> 00:14:20,958 Down, boy! Naughty dicky... 175 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:24,763 to camouflage myself and look like any ordinary old curate's drudge. 176 00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:28,630 "And most definitely not... 177 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,265 "a perfume-sprayed vision... 178 00:14:32,338 --> 00:14:35,466 "named Mitzi Gaynor... 179 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,606 "with a head of bubble-cut curls... 180 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:44,573 "that would make any man's privates go sprong." 181 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:46,514 I've got the standard uniform, Father. 182 00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:49,213 The blue housecoat with the bow at the back... 183 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,518 the tan stockings, color of stale tea... 184 00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:54,718 the old hairnet, which says to all them Mickies... 185 00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:56,818 whose duty it is to stay inside and wear black serge... 186 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,830 "No Mickies today. 187 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,696 "Down, boys. That's it, my sweets, off with you and say your prayers." 188 00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,598 Breakfast, Father? 189 00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,227 By God, and now you're talking. 190 00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:10,974 Mickey is devious... 191 00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:14,673 and no matter how much you tell him... 192 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:18,581 he simply won't stay down. 193 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,284 But drab old housecoats... 194 00:15:21,353 --> 00:15:24,982 and tea-colored stockings might well have kept him down... 195 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:28,390 if it wasn't for that pesky spot of grease. 196 00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:31,787 Oh, this is powerful altogether. 197 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:36,432 I would do jail for another rasher. Do you know that, Eily? 198 00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:39,300 I'll fry you some more this minute, then, Father. 199 00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:44,771 Come here till I tell you. Did you hear the one about peanuts at confession? 200 00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:46,902 No, Father. At least I don't think so. 201 00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:50,471 Says the priest to the young fellow, "Did you throw peanuts in the river, too?" 202 00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:54,315 To which the young lad says, "No, Father, I am Peanuts." 203 00:16:00,492 --> 00:16:02,517 Not a very funny joke... 204 00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:05,825 but she laughed and she laughed. 205 00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:10,635 In fact, you could say she laughed until she cried. 206 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,764 My skirt and housecoat are riding up. 207 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,432 Better abort this task at once... 208 00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:20,035 or we could have an exploding clergyman filling the air with pent-up sexual energy. 209 00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:21,136 Oh, no! 210 00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:23,272 - Priest grows wings in latest miracle. - Eily! 211 00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:27,809 "When she found herself enveloped by his skirts." 212 00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:31,185 Now, Father, is this another joke? 213 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,848 That hurt, Father. 214 00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:38,295 Frank Sinatra wouldn't do this, Father. Neither would Vic Damone. 215 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,027 I'm all wet, Father. 216 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,731 What are you doing down there, Father? 217 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,164 Are you playing squidgy with my Fairy Liquid? 218 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,339 But she was soon to realize... 219 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:53,104 it wasn't Fairy Liquid he'd been playing with down there. 220 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:57,708 The end. 221 00:16:58,650 --> 00:16:59,639 No... 222 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:03,353 it wasn't Fairy Liquid at all. 223 00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,289 "...privates go sprong." 224 00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,659 "Privates go..." 225 00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:14,198 How dare you? 226 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:17,396 When I said, "develop your literary skills"... 227 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,338 I did not, repeat, not, mean this. 228 00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,134 Why did you write it? 229 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,939 I thought there was a moral, sir. A lesson, if you will. 230 00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:29,012 Young girls in mortal danger. 231 00:17:29,581 --> 00:17:32,709 Get out of this classroom, Braden! To the Dean's office! 232 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,353 Hello, class. My name is Miss Kitten... 233 00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:39,187 and I'd like to tell you about the perils of being a priest's housekeeper... 234 00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:42,125 especially when you look like Mitzi Gaynor. 235 00:17:42,194 --> 00:17:44,685 Hands up who can tell me who Mitzi Gaynor is. 236 00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:47,231 So, you see, Patrick, we're on your side. 237 00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:50,662 We're here to help you. I don't think you understand that. 238 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,601 Well, no, you're wrong, Father. I do. 239 00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:56,630 So, if you can think of anything that would help us to help you, well... 240 00:17:58,343 --> 00:17:59,332 Well... 241 00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:02,804 there is one thing, Father. 242 00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:07,280 - Instead of PE... - Yeah. 243 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:11,578 ...I could take Home Economics and Needlework class. 244 00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:15,883 And you think that would help you... 245 00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:18,755 knuckle down and apply yourself? 246 00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:24,258 What's that, Patrick? 247 00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,869 Oh, and you can call me Kitten, Father. 248 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:28,929 Kitten? 249 00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:32,702 Yes, Patrick Kitten Braden, after Saint Kitten. 250 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:40,684 Well, now, there was no Saint Kitten, Patrick. 251 00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:43,084 Oh, no, but there was a Saint Cettin, Father... 252 00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:45,180 and some have been known to call him... 253 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,225 or was it a her... 254 00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:48,552 Kitten. 255 00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:52,224 Saint Kitten? 256 00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:56,067 He or she was an acolyte of Saint Patrick. 257 00:18:56,135 --> 00:19:00,572 Wore a dress. As did Saint Patrick, actually. A hairy dress. 258 00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,137 Quite ruined her complexion. 259 00:19:04,676 --> 00:19:06,940 And they're for your sister, Patrick? 260 00:19:08,046 --> 00:19:11,447 Oh, she really needs a bit of glamour in her life, Mrs. Coyle. 261 00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:15,453 But then again, don't we all? 262 00:19:16,121 --> 00:19:19,818 The trouble broke out as the Minister of State for Northern Ireland, Mr. Channon... 263 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,520 was visiting Derry to see businessmen there... 264 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,890 for the second time inside a month. 265 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,030 Jesus, Mammy, I'm exhausted. 266 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,767 At least you have a job... 267 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:34,203 which is more than that waster yonder is ever likely to have. 268 00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:36,241 Now, one more complaint from that school... 269 00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:39,175 and it'll not be good for you, by Christ, it'll not. 270 00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:41,170 Oh, Mammy? 271 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:45,307 Do you have the price of the dance and a cup of coffee? 272 00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:47,850 Price of the dance and a cup of coffee? 273 00:19:47,986 --> 00:19:50,511 Price of the dance and a cup of coffee? 274 00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:52,284 Well, do you think I'm made of money? 275 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,348 Do you think I'm made of money? 276 00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,218 Will you just hand over the cash? 277 00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,695 Will you just fork out the money... 278 00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:01,631 and stop blathering, you fucking whiskery old whore. 279 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,533 Here. And don't ask me again. 280 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:08,604 Well, thank you so much, Mammy. Thank you so much. 281 00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:55,080 - No. No, no, no, no, no. - Why not? 282 00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:58,020 I'm not obliged to give you any reasons, but I'll give you two anyway. 283 00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,489 Him and her. 284 00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:01,554 Don't have to stand for this, do we, Paddy? 285 00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:03,618 Oh, Paddy's her name. Well, that's reason number three. 286 00:21:03,695 --> 00:21:07,222 - Did you ever ride a man, Lukie? - No, but I rode a man that did. 287 00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:09,332 Fuck you. 288 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:11,163 - Evening. - How you doing? 289 00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:14,900 Mikey, go get the lads. 290 00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:21,044 I'm warning you, get out of here! 291 00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:27,552 Fuck them and their Rob Strong. We'll go to the glen. 292 00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:35,219 Excuse me. Can we have a lift? 293 00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:39,956 Get on. 294 00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:42,361 Moving out. 295 00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:07,549 Druids, man. We're like the Border Knights. 296 00:22:08,226 --> 00:22:10,786 Knew all about the space-time continuum. 297 00:22:13,098 --> 00:22:16,932 - No, Lawrence! No. Excuse me, please. - Open his eyes. 298 00:22:17,703 --> 00:22:19,728 - What do you see, bro? - Sausages. 299 00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:21,669 No stars? 300 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,837 Stars and sausages. 301 00:22:27,212 --> 00:22:28,679 Now you're talking. 302 00:22:29,047 --> 00:22:30,947 Gotta get behind the surface. 303 00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:32,739 Yes, surface. 304 00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:37,983 I see four green fields, Brits in one of them. 305 00:22:39,591 --> 00:22:42,219 - Not for fucking long. - Hey, no politics, man. 306 00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:44,719 Border Knights don't allow them. 307 00:22:44,996 --> 00:22:46,657 Jams the astral highway. 308 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:50,835 So why do you call yourselves the Border Knights? 309 00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:53,837 Because the only border that matters... 310 00:22:54,272 --> 00:22:57,503 is the one between what's in front... 311 00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,208 and what you've left behind. 312 00:23:00,979 --> 00:23:03,675 When I ride my hog, you think I'm riding the road? 313 00:23:03,749 --> 00:23:04,909 No way, man. 314 00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:09,183 I'm traveling from the past into the future with a druid at my back. 315 00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:14,320 - Druid man or druid woman? - That doesn't matter. 316 00:23:17,462 --> 00:23:19,293 What matters is the journey. 317 00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:24,702 - You know where it goes, baby? - Where? 318 00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:30,001 We'll visit the stars and journey to Mars 319 00:23:31,042 --> 00:23:32,805 Finding our breakfast 320 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,671 On Pluto 321 00:23:36,648 --> 00:23:38,013 Pluto? 322 00:23:38,450 --> 00:23:39,439 Pluto. 323 00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:45,289 No, not Pluto the dog. Pluto the planet. 324 00:23:47,058 --> 00:23:51,119 Named by Percival Lowell and William H. Pickering... 325 00:23:52,864 --> 00:23:55,355 after the invisible king of the underworld. 326 00:24:03,074 --> 00:24:04,837 You think about that. 327 00:24:13,919 --> 00:24:17,320 Oh, kiss me, Joseph. Kiss me, Joseph Hanratty. 328 00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:19,118 I'll beat your fucking... 329 00:24:26,932 --> 00:24:28,661 Now, boys and girls... 330 00:24:28,733 --> 00:24:32,601 a retreat is time for prayer and reflection. 331 00:24:33,405 --> 00:24:36,704 Some of you may have already noticed that your bodies are... 332 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,376 going through some changes... 333 00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:43,136 and I would like you to feel free to approach us... 334 00:24:43,215 --> 00:24:45,877 about any problem that concerns you. 335 00:24:45,951 --> 00:24:49,751 So, I will leave this problem box... 336 00:24:50,388 --> 00:24:52,515 here by the altar rails. 337 00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:55,726 No problem should be precluded. 338 00:24:56,528 --> 00:24:59,827 After all, that is why we are here. 339 00:25:01,066 --> 00:25:04,524 Now, does everyone remember last week we were talking about... 340 00:25:12,978 --> 00:25:15,708 You'll not bring my retreat into disrepute, do you hear me? 341 00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:18,271 How dare it. How dare you, you pup, you... 342 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:19,544 Sir, you're hurting me. 343 00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:27,257 - What did you write on the paper, Patrick? - Nothing. 344 00:25:27,559 --> 00:25:28,548 Nothing. 345 00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:32,322 Just, did he know any place that does a good sex change? 346 00:25:51,182 --> 00:25:52,308 Disgraced! 347 00:25:52,384 --> 00:25:55,785 Disgraced in front of the whole town, so we are! Oh, Jesus! 348 00:25:55,854 --> 00:25:58,914 How could you do it, Paddy? Mammy has a bad heart! 349 00:25:59,124 --> 00:26:01,786 - And now you've broken it. - Oh, God, oh, God! 350 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:04,192 Oh, Jesus Christ. My arm! 351 00:26:04,596 --> 00:26:07,190 - She's not my mammy. - What did you say? 352 00:26:07,933 --> 00:26:11,460 I'm sorry, Caz. Sorry, Mammy, wherever you are. 353 00:26:11,536 --> 00:26:13,766 Oh, stop it, Patrick, please! 354 00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:16,238 Why won't you stop it and let us get on with our lives? 355 00:26:16,308 --> 00:26:18,833 I'm sorry, Caz. I never meant to hurt you. 356 00:26:19,477 --> 00:26:22,344 - After all, we've both been through this... - Get away! 357 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:24,644 Get your hands off me, you creature! 358 00:26:25,450 --> 00:26:28,419 Oh, figgly boogles. What's the point? 359 00:26:29,354 --> 00:26:31,720 That's it, I've tried my best. I'm off. 360 00:26:46,838 --> 00:26:48,897 Are you going to Scotsfield, by any chance? 361 00:26:48,974 --> 00:26:52,341 We'd better be. We're playing there tonight. Get in the back. 362 00:26:57,949 --> 00:26:58,938 Hello. 363 00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:16,490 What do you think of this trouble up North? 364 00:27:16,735 --> 00:27:19,670 - Oh, I think it's an absolute terror. - Do you think so, yeah? 365 00:27:19,738 --> 00:27:22,798 Oh, I do it. A terror to the living world, so it is. 366 00:27:22,874 --> 00:27:25,069 I don't think you care either way... 367 00:27:25,577 --> 00:27:27,238 my good-Iooking young friend. 368 00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:29,576 No, I know how serious it is. 369 00:27:30,815 --> 00:27:33,283 They think they can break us, don't they? 370 00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:36,921 Hang Paddy from the ceiling. Fuck him from a helicopter. 371 00:27:37,122 --> 00:27:39,420 Give him a dose of white noise. 372 00:27:39,858 --> 00:27:41,917 Shove electrodes up his arse. 373 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:45,796 - Now, really, Mr... - Hatchett. They call me Billy Hatchett. 374 00:27:47,265 --> 00:27:49,392 Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hatchett. 375 00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:53,068 You really don't know who I am, do you? 376 00:27:53,538 --> 00:27:55,335 I haven't had the pleasure. 377 00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:59,968 Do you hear that, lads? He's never heard of Billy Hatchett and the Mohawks. 378 00:29:48,987 --> 00:29:51,717 So, have you somewhere to stay tonight, Paddy? 379 00:29:52,757 --> 00:29:55,191 Or should I call you Patrick? 380 00:29:57,228 --> 00:29:59,458 You can call me Kitten, darling. 381 00:29:59,664 --> 00:30:00,688 Kitten? 382 00:30:02,233 --> 00:30:03,666 After Saint Cettin. 383 00:30:04,269 --> 00:30:07,568 He or she was an acolyte of Patrick, Saint Patrick. 384 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,801 So you have somewhere to stay, then? 385 00:30:12,343 --> 00:30:14,971 Mammy threw me out, I'm afraid. 386 00:30:15,547 --> 00:30:18,778 Well, I could always put you up in the van. 387 00:30:18,850 --> 00:30:22,581 - It's not much, but I could. - Mr. Hatchett! 388 00:30:27,859 --> 00:30:29,326 Thank you. 389 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:34,624 You're welcome, Kitten. 390 00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,870 I'll be off to the hotel, then, Kitten. 391 00:30:44,876 --> 00:30:48,209 I'd stay the night. I'd stay the night, but the boys... 392 00:30:48,279 --> 00:30:50,406 The boys might get the wrong idea. 393 00:30:50,615 --> 00:30:52,207 No, I've gotta go. 394 00:30:52,283 --> 00:30:54,979 - I've gotta go. - Oh, please don't go just yet. 395 00:30:55,220 --> 00:30:58,451 Oh, Kitten. I gotta go. I really have. 396 00:31:01,826 --> 00:31:04,124 Billy! Billy, Billy. 397 00:31:10,368 --> 00:31:11,892 It's Bobby Goldsboro. 398 00:31:14,272 --> 00:31:16,331 Used to help me get to sleep. 399 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:21,835 His wife dies. You see, she dies when he's away from home. 400 00:31:23,348 --> 00:31:27,580 - Oh, Kitten, I've gotta go now. - Billy. 401 00:31:27,652 --> 00:31:28,914 I really have. 402 00:31:31,623 --> 00:31:33,716 If you were away with the band... 403 00:31:35,293 --> 00:31:39,491 and you came home and you found me lying there... 404 00:31:41,032 --> 00:31:44,024 like Bobby's wife... 405 00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:48,471 What about it? 406 00:31:49,841 --> 00:31:53,538 - Would you take me to the hospital? - Oh, of course I would. 407 00:31:54,212 --> 00:31:55,474 Of course I would, Kitten. 408 00:31:55,546 --> 00:31:58,447 Oh, I wish that could happen. 409 00:31:59,117 --> 00:32:02,985 I've seen it all now. I tell you, I've fucking well seen it all now. 410 00:32:03,054 --> 00:32:04,817 Where the fuck do you think he disappeared to... 411 00:32:04,889 --> 00:32:06,823 when we were in San Francisco? 412 00:32:07,325 --> 00:32:09,816 I'd even bring you flowers. 413 00:32:12,463 --> 00:32:15,489 - Roses? - Roses. 414 00:32:17,535 --> 00:32:19,366 Oh, Billy. 415 00:32:20,071 --> 00:32:21,197 Oh, Kitten. 416 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,029 Billy. 417 00:32:28,446 --> 00:32:31,142 For I ask you, Billy Bobby, nicest man... 418 00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:33,883 what's an Indian band without a squaw? 419 00:32:36,020 --> 00:32:37,510 "A squaw?" 420 00:33:59,237 --> 00:34:03,298 - Name, please? - Paddy Kitten. What's yours, darling? 421 00:34:03,408 --> 00:34:06,104 I could tell you were a Paddy all right. 422 00:34:13,618 --> 00:34:17,850 - What about Geronimo? - What would I know? I'm just a Mick. 423 00:34:17,955 --> 00:34:21,447 Thirteen of your lot shot in Derry. What do you know about that? 424 00:34:21,526 --> 00:34:24,359 Maybe you'd know about thirteen less to deal with. 425 00:34:25,463 --> 00:34:27,931 Fuck off, mate. 426 00:34:31,536 --> 00:34:32,901 Fuck off. 427 00:35:05,269 --> 00:35:08,329 Get off the fucking stage, you stupid bitch. 428 00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:22,916 Patrick, I don't know how to say this to you. 429 00:35:23,221 --> 00:35:25,951 It's the boys, the boys in the band. 430 00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:28,918 They feel a squaw just isn't working out. 431 00:35:30,261 --> 00:35:32,161 It could be they have a point. 432 00:35:32,330 --> 00:35:34,890 They say it doesn't feel right. 433 00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:38,163 I don't know, they've been with me so long and... 434 00:35:38,736 --> 00:35:40,363 I'm sorry. 435 00:35:40,938 --> 00:35:42,838 But I have a little proposal. 436 00:35:43,207 --> 00:35:46,199 - A ring, perhaps? - Oh, Patrick, Patrick... 437 00:35:48,713 --> 00:35:50,772 I told you not to call me that. 438 00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,216 I'm sorry, Kitten. 439 00:35:57,755 --> 00:36:02,749 Bobby Billy, would you bring me sweeties, too? 440 00:36:03,161 --> 00:36:04,526 You know I would. 441 00:36:05,463 --> 00:36:08,091 - What kind would they be? - Oh, for the love of Jesus. 442 00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:11,499 - No. No, Quality Street. - Quality Street? 443 00:36:30,288 --> 00:36:33,382 It was my mother's. She left it to me in her will. 444 00:36:33,457 --> 00:36:37,450 Nobody stays here, and I need somebody to look after it, Kitten. 445 00:36:37,528 --> 00:36:41,464 - What do you reckon? - House of dreams and longing. 446 00:36:41,566 --> 00:36:45,696 I wouldn't exactly call it a house, but tell us what you think. 447 00:36:53,110 --> 00:36:57,103 Oh, to have a little house. To own the hearth, stool and all. 448 00:36:58,115 --> 00:37:02,051 So, Kitten, can I come and visit you every now and again? 449 00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:06,680 Of course you can, you great, big, silly Bobby Goldsboro. 450 00:37:06,757 --> 00:37:08,918 You don't even have to ask. 451 00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:51,063 Well, goodness gracious, icky-oakie me. 452 00:38:17,194 --> 00:38:19,719 - What? - What's with Diana Ross? 453 00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,591 Leave him be, he knows nothing. 454 00:38:21,666 --> 00:38:23,600 - Keep it that way. - No problem. 455 00:38:50,695 --> 00:38:54,529 If I volunteer, Irwin, could I have pink glasses, please? 456 00:38:54,632 --> 00:38:56,930 Can't you take anything serious? 457 00:38:57,335 --> 00:39:00,133 Oh, serious, serious, serious. 458 00:39:00,204 --> 00:39:02,502 You might have to soon enough. 459 00:39:03,708 --> 00:39:06,643 So fucking what, Charlie? I sell Republican News. 460 00:39:06,711 --> 00:39:09,680 A few fucking papers, big deal. What are you, my fucking wife? 461 00:39:09,747 --> 00:39:12,511 Don't you lie to me, Irwin. I don't believe your stories. 462 00:39:12,583 --> 00:39:16,713 I'm involved in nothing! I sell their paper, for all the difference it makes in this kip. 463 00:39:16,787 --> 00:39:18,482 Nobody gives a fuck! 464 00:39:18,556 --> 00:39:19,784 Soon enough they fucking will. 465 00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:22,485 If I find out you're lying to me, I'll finish with you, I swear! 466 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:25,529 Yeah, well, finish it with me, see if I fucking care! 467 00:39:33,404 --> 00:39:36,430 Come on, move off the road. There's a vehicle coming through. 468 00:39:36,507 --> 00:39:38,668 Get back. It's for your own safety. 469 00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:45,777 Get these people off the street! 470 00:39:45,850 --> 00:39:49,251 I want everyone to move away from the red van! 471 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,720 Come on, folks. Stand back, please. Move! 472 00:39:51,789 --> 00:39:54,690 Bring it down careful now. Yeah, gently. 473 00:39:54,759 --> 00:39:58,217 - Please, move back. - Move back. 474 00:39:58,696 --> 00:40:01,665 Now let the Army go to work. Get back, now, get back. 475 00:40:03,401 --> 00:40:04,663 Move back and clear the area. 476 00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:07,295 - There may be other devices. - You're to get away now. Get back, now. 477 00:40:07,371 --> 00:40:09,635 Get away from the street. Get off the street now. 478 00:40:09,707 --> 00:40:11,368 Clear this area for your own safety. 479 00:40:11,442 --> 00:40:12,534 Move back. 480 00:40:13,577 --> 00:40:15,977 - It's a Dalek. Exterminate. - Lawrence! 481 00:40:16,147 --> 00:40:20,243 Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate. 482 00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:21,911 Exterminate. 483 00:40:51,282 --> 00:40:54,251 Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return... 484 00:40:55,186 --> 00:40:57,416 until the Lord raises you up on the last day. 485 00:40:57,488 --> 00:41:01,117 Let us pray for our brother Lawrence to our Lord Jesus Christ... 486 00:41:01,992 --> 00:41:05,223 who said, "I am the resurrection, and the life. 487 00:41:05,496 --> 00:41:08,556 "The man who believes in me will live even if he dies." 488 00:41:10,267 --> 00:41:13,759 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. 489 00:41:14,071 --> 00:41:15,561 Thy kingdom come... 490 00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:18,536 thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. 491 00:41:18,843 --> 00:41:21,004 Give us this day our daily bread. 492 00:41:51,942 --> 00:41:53,967 Serious, serious. 493 00:41:54,044 --> 00:41:56,945 Time for some serious spring cleaning. 494 00:42:00,150 --> 00:42:01,981 Fuck. 495 00:42:03,787 --> 00:42:05,084 Don't you know what this means? 496 00:42:05,155 --> 00:42:07,680 Do you know what these guys are like, Paddy? 497 00:42:07,858 --> 00:42:10,986 - Don't let this come between us, Billy. - Shut up! 498 00:42:13,764 --> 00:42:16,255 Jesus, what the fuck am I gonna do? 499 00:42:17,935 --> 00:42:21,462 - Fucking Jesus! - Tell them I was spring cleaning, darling. 500 00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:24,872 Where are they, Paddy? Tell me, where are they? 501 00:42:24,942 --> 00:42:27,206 Now, what is this you mean, my darling? 502 00:42:27,278 --> 00:42:29,906 The guns, you little fucking whore, where are they? 503 00:42:29,980 --> 00:42:33,074 The guns! It's all too fucking serious! Don't go fucking me around. 504 00:42:33,150 --> 00:42:35,880 Oh, all of a sudden everybody's getting serious. 505 00:42:35,953 --> 00:42:37,784 Serious, serious, serious. 506 00:42:37,855 --> 00:42:39,652 I'm not fucking joking, Patrick! 507 00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:42,851 - Where are they? - I told you to call me Kitten. 508 00:42:51,869 --> 00:42:53,666 Don't fucking know me. 509 00:42:53,804 --> 00:42:55,533 You don't know where I've gone. 510 00:42:55,606 --> 00:42:59,098 And if they come, if they fucking come, you tell them nothing. 511 00:42:59,543 --> 00:43:01,977 - I mean nothing. - Whatever you say, darling. 512 00:43:02,046 --> 00:43:04,412 You're way out of your league, Patrick. 513 00:43:04,615 --> 00:43:07,641 You don't know what you're dealing with. Don't fucking know. 514 00:43:07,718 --> 00:43:10,846 Oh, I do. I know, all right. 515 00:43:11,388 --> 00:43:14,289 I know you were only joking about the roses... 516 00:43:14,358 --> 00:43:16,326 and sweets, too, probably. 517 00:43:21,498 --> 00:43:23,728 But it was nice while it lasted. 518 00:43:43,220 --> 00:43:44,983 Are you happy now? 519 00:43:45,389 --> 00:43:47,653 Are you happy now that you got what you wanted? 520 00:43:47,725 --> 00:43:49,852 Now that they've bombed down here? 521 00:43:50,094 --> 00:43:52,119 Are your Republican friends good and happy... 522 00:43:52,196 --> 00:43:54,357 now they can see what they've done? 523 00:43:54,765 --> 00:43:56,960 What the fuck are you talking about? 524 00:43:57,568 --> 00:43:59,866 It had nothing to do with Republicans. 525 00:44:00,738 --> 00:44:03,798 What the fuck would they bomb a southern town for, huh? 526 00:44:05,809 --> 00:44:07,333 You hear me, Charlie? 527 00:44:08,512 --> 00:44:10,605 And if you want out, just say so. 528 00:44:37,107 --> 00:44:38,369 Open the door. 529 00:44:39,610 --> 00:44:43,273 - I can't, go away. Come back in the morning. - Open it, bitch! This is serious! 530 00:44:43,347 --> 00:44:46,908 - Open the fucking door! - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm coming. 531 00:45:07,071 --> 00:45:09,767 - Where did he put them? - I'm afraid I don't understand. 532 00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:12,536 The guns, nancy boy. Where did he put the guns? 533 00:45:12,609 --> 00:45:13,940 Oh, yes, the guns. 534 00:45:14,011 --> 00:45:17,606 Oh, Billy buried them outside just to be safe. 535 00:45:17,681 --> 00:45:18,773 Go. 536 00:45:21,919 --> 00:45:24,046 There's no fucking guns down here. 537 00:45:27,024 --> 00:45:28,685 - I think they might just be... - The little cunt! 538 00:45:28,759 --> 00:45:30,317 - He's taking the hand out of us. ...over here. 539 00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:33,192 I'll nut him! I swear to God I'll nut him! 540 00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:37,733 Say goodbye to my friends, will you? 541 00:45:37,801 --> 00:45:40,065 Charlie lives in Sunbeam Heights and Irwin's up The Backs. 542 00:45:40,137 --> 00:45:41,195 Irwin who? 543 00:45:41,371 --> 00:45:42,599 Why, Irwin Kerr, of course. 544 00:45:42,673 --> 00:45:45,608 - The big-time Volunteer. - How do you know Irwin Kerr? 545 00:45:45,676 --> 00:45:48,611 Oh, nothing. Never mind. Well, come on then. 546 00:45:48,846 --> 00:45:52,247 Just do it. I've nothing left to live for in this stupid, serious world. 547 00:45:52,316 --> 00:45:53,340 Oh, fuck him. 548 00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:55,908 Leave him be. He's not worth the bullet, the mental nancy boy. 549 00:45:55,986 --> 00:45:58,887 Oh, what is it with nancy boys that you can't be bothered killing them? 550 00:45:58,956 --> 00:46:00,947 - You kill everyone else. - Look, I'm fucking warning you. 551 00:46:01,024 --> 00:46:03,549 Do you know what you're doing here? Are you on dope or what? 552 00:46:03,627 --> 00:46:06,687 Wish that I was, Mr. Killing Man. Why, do you have any? 553 00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:09,429 You're way out of your league, sunshine. 554 00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:11,627 Not that again. "Out of your league, out of your league." 555 00:46:11,702 --> 00:46:13,829 "Oh, you're in over your head. You're in over your head." 556 00:46:13,904 --> 00:46:15,371 Oh, for heaven's sake! 557 00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,930 Surely you've one bullet to spare between yous. 558 00:46:18,008 --> 00:46:19,737 Bollocks! 559 00:46:27,818 --> 00:46:30,184 - Where are we going? - You hit us, we hit you. 560 00:46:30,254 --> 00:46:32,245 - It's simple. - Right. 561 00:46:32,322 --> 00:46:35,086 The bomb was made up here and driven across the border. 562 00:46:35,159 --> 00:46:37,821 Wee Bobby Anderson. Likes killing Catholics. 563 00:46:37,895 --> 00:46:40,090 It'll be the last fucking bomb he'll make. 564 00:46:40,164 --> 00:46:42,428 Turn the lights off. Keep it running. 565 00:47:11,795 --> 00:47:13,160 Oh, Lord. 566 00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:32,778 Get us the fuck out of here, will you? 567 00:47:33,417 --> 00:47:35,908 - What's the smell? - He shat himself. 568 00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:37,646 You not toilet trained? 569 00:47:39,156 --> 00:47:42,853 What do you think you are, Kerr? What the fuck do you think this is? 570 00:47:48,332 --> 00:47:49,526 Tell me you're not serious. 571 00:47:49,633 --> 00:47:52,261 You see, there is that word again. It's everywhere. 572 00:47:52,336 --> 00:47:54,770 But you don't know a soul in London, Paddy. 573 00:47:54,838 --> 00:47:57,170 There's only one soul I need, Charlie. 574 00:48:01,478 --> 00:48:03,412 You really think you'll find her? 575 00:48:03,480 --> 00:48:05,573 How many Eily Bergins can there be? 576 00:48:05,649 --> 00:48:07,549 Maybe she's changed her name. 577 00:48:08,018 --> 00:48:10,384 She won't have changed her eyes, Irwin. 578 00:48:13,590 --> 00:48:15,080 How will you get by? 579 00:48:18,862 --> 00:48:20,693 Saint Anthony will guide me. 580 00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:27,624 The thing is, you come to the city that never sleeps... 581 00:49:27,698 --> 00:49:30,030 and you think it's open all the time, but it does sleep. 582 00:49:30,100 --> 00:49:31,590 Excuse me? 583 00:49:32,536 --> 00:49:33,798 Of course it does. 584 00:49:33,870 --> 00:49:37,431 I'm looking for my mother, please. Eily Bergin. Phantom Lady. 585 00:49:39,543 --> 00:49:42,979 I've just got two Bergins for 1956. 586 00:49:43,046 --> 00:49:46,209 Bergin, Ellen, and Bergin with a simple initial E. 587 00:49:46,717 --> 00:49:49,584 Well, that's her. I mean, it has to be one of them. 588 00:49:49,853 --> 00:49:53,619 One's from Aldgate and the other's from East London. 589 00:49:56,460 --> 00:49:58,553 Will you be going back home after you've found her? 590 00:49:58,628 --> 00:50:01,654 Oh, yes, of course. Maybe she'll come with me. 591 00:50:03,900 --> 00:50:07,028 - And, son, will you promise me something? - Yes. 592 00:50:08,405 --> 00:50:11,966 - Take care of yourself. - Oh, I will, Mrs. Henderson. 593 00:50:12,175 --> 00:50:13,267 Thank you. 594 00:50:42,472 --> 00:50:45,339 No, mate, they knocked those houses down years ago. 595 00:51:36,626 --> 00:51:37,615 I'm... 596 00:52:45,128 --> 00:52:46,493 The man himself. 597 00:52:48,064 --> 00:52:49,463 About time, too. 598 00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:55,771 Are you here for the job, kid? 599 00:52:59,409 --> 00:53:00,398 What job? 600 00:53:00,477 --> 00:53:02,172 This is showbiz, kid. You gotta be on the ball. 601 00:53:02,245 --> 00:53:04,645 You try that with Stephenson, now, you've no fucking chance. 602 00:53:04,714 --> 00:53:05,908 Who's Stephenson? 603 00:53:05,982 --> 00:53:09,349 He thinks he's in charge. RAF, my bollocks! I'll give him RAF. 604 00:53:09,452 --> 00:53:13,047 - You're Irish, you are. - Tyreelin, County Cavan. 605 00:53:13,290 --> 00:53:15,019 Well then, County Cavan... 606 00:53:15,525 --> 00:53:17,993 give us a song and you're home and dry. 607 00:53:19,963 --> 00:53:22,557 Underground, overground, wombling free 608 00:53:22,666 --> 00:53:24,930 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we 609 00:53:25,001 --> 00:53:28,528 Good man, you have it. Now the dance, okay? Okay? 610 00:53:28,972 --> 00:53:30,303 I'm going in. 611 00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:35,034 Right. Hop, one. Hop, two. Hop, one, two, three. 612 00:53:36,479 --> 00:53:38,470 Flap, flap, flap. Okay? 613 00:53:38,548 --> 00:53:42,814 Go, go on. Hop, hop one, hop two, hop one, two, three. 614 00:53:43,887 --> 00:53:45,548 Flap, flap, flap. Right, ready? 615 00:53:45,622 --> 00:53:47,920 Right, hop one, hop two. 616 00:53:47,991 --> 00:53:50,619 For fuck's sake, will you hop right? One, two, three. 617 00:53:50,694 --> 00:53:53,993 Hop one, hop two. Hop, one, two, three. 618 00:53:55,432 --> 00:53:57,696 Flap, flap. Flap it out, flap it out. 619 00:53:58,635 --> 00:54:00,068 Sell it to me. 620 00:54:01,404 --> 00:54:04,737 Overground, underground, wombling free 621 00:54:04,808 --> 00:54:07,470 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we 622 00:54:07,544 --> 00:54:09,444 Give him the drill, Bulgaria. 623 00:54:09,846 --> 00:54:12,940 Enough already. You take the croquet. Capisce? 624 00:54:13,016 --> 00:54:14,381 - Capisce. - I gotta wheel. 625 00:54:14,451 --> 00:54:16,351 Every morning, 9:00, be there. 626 00:54:30,734 --> 00:54:31,996 Bulgaria? 627 00:54:32,469 --> 00:54:34,403 I told you before, these are your responsibility. 628 00:54:34,471 --> 00:54:35,870 You're head Womble here. 629 00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:38,100 - Well, that's this... Fuck! - Fuck! 630 00:54:38,174 --> 00:54:40,005 I'll give you RAF. 631 00:54:40,076 --> 00:54:41,543 I broke no fucking mallet! 632 00:54:41,611 --> 00:54:44,307 - I broke no fucking mallet! - Keep away from me. 633 00:54:44,681 --> 00:54:45,705 Put that down! 634 00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:48,580 I'll break it across your back, you bollocks! 635 00:54:48,685 --> 00:54:50,983 I'll bust it... 636 00:54:55,191 --> 00:54:56,818 "You broke the mallet," he says. 637 00:54:56,893 --> 00:55:00,329 "I'll have to dock it from your pay." I broke no fucking mallet. 638 00:55:00,397 --> 00:55:01,864 You fucked me one last time. 639 00:55:01,931 --> 00:55:03,899 RAF, my bollocks! That's the end of the line! 640 00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:05,696 Enough of that, John Joe. 641 00:55:06,903 --> 00:55:08,234 Back off, motherfucker. 642 00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:09,897 You don't know what you're dealing with here! 643 00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:12,066 Back in the can, you wanna know what they used to say? 644 00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:14,770 "Stay away, man. He's out where the buses don't run!" 645 00:55:14,844 --> 00:55:18,405 - You're out of your league here, friend. - Oh, not that again. 646 00:55:19,282 --> 00:55:20,647 You have to show them where you stand. 647 00:55:20,717 --> 00:55:22,981 They fuck with you, you fuck with them. 648 00:55:23,053 --> 00:55:25,647 You fuck them so bad you make them wish they'd never been born. 649 00:55:25,722 --> 00:55:28,748 - You want another shot? - I'd love a Babycham. 650 00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:31,226 You got it, kemo sabe. 651 00:55:31,795 --> 00:55:34,821 Tommy, one Babycham, one Powers. 652 00:55:35,265 --> 00:55:36,357 Please. 653 00:55:36,433 --> 00:55:38,401 Two weeks' severance, in the paw. 654 00:55:38,468 --> 00:55:41,995 You fuck with John Joe Kenny, that's one time you fuck too many. 655 00:55:42,739 --> 00:55:44,104 He's from Cavan. 656 00:55:44,441 --> 00:55:46,909 So, where's Cavan? 657 00:55:46,976 --> 00:55:48,568 Next to Monaghan. 658 00:55:50,146 --> 00:55:53,206 I'm going for a womble. If you want to come, give us a shout, right? 659 00:55:53,283 --> 00:55:54,750 Really, Uncle Bulgaria. 660 00:55:54,818 --> 00:55:57,685 Underground, overground, wombling free 661 00:55:57,754 --> 00:56:01,019 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we 662 00:56:01,091 --> 00:56:03,992 Underground, overground, wombling free 663 00:56:04,060 --> 00:56:06,528 I was a Womble one time. Did you know that? 664 00:56:09,599 --> 00:56:11,692 Hey, you can't sleep here, love. 665 00:56:12,702 --> 00:56:14,670 Have you got a home to go to? 666 00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:18,037 You can get a cab outside. 667 00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:24,044 Oh, I do believe I have a small, elfin dwelling on Wimbledon Common. 668 00:56:35,158 --> 00:56:36,147 Oi! 669 00:56:36,993 --> 00:56:39,120 You doing business, do it somewhere else, love. 670 00:56:39,195 --> 00:56:40,958 This pavement's got my name on it. 671 00:56:41,030 --> 00:56:43,362 What, pray, is your name? Concrete? 672 00:56:44,100 --> 00:56:47,092 My name is Scratch Your Eyes Out, Bite Your Bleeding Nose Off... 673 00:56:47,170 --> 00:56:50,071 which is what I'll do if you don't get off my patch. 674 00:56:51,141 --> 00:56:52,506 All right, lover? 675 00:56:53,343 --> 00:56:54,935 She giving you trouble, son? 676 00:56:55,011 --> 00:56:58,105 Oh, no trouble at all. We were just exchanging names. 677 00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,278 Go on, you fucking nancy boy! 678 00:57:02,485 --> 00:57:04,817 Don't fucking come back! 679 00:57:04,921 --> 00:57:08,948 And her name is Scratch Your Eyes Out and Bite Your Bleeding Nose Off. 680 00:57:09,025 --> 00:57:11,585 And my name is Patricia Kitten Braden. 681 00:57:11,795 --> 00:57:14,662 Pleased to meet you, Patricia Kitten Braden. 682 00:57:16,065 --> 00:57:18,033 Just what were you doing back there? 683 00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:20,092 I was looking for the Phantom Lady. 684 00:57:20,170 --> 00:57:22,161 You found the right street, then. 685 00:57:22,238 --> 00:57:25,207 Why, what's it called? Phantom Lady Street? 686 00:57:25,341 --> 00:57:28,868 You could call it that. And just who is this Phantom Lady? 687 00:57:29,145 --> 00:57:32,114 Well, it's my mother, really. I call her that. 688 00:57:32,248 --> 00:57:36,275 To pretend it's a story that's happening to someone else, you see. 689 00:57:36,352 --> 00:57:38,183 And why do you pretend that? 690 00:57:38,254 --> 00:57:40,984 Because otherwise I might cry and never stop. 691 00:57:41,391 --> 00:57:43,757 If you cried, I'd make you stop. 692 00:57:44,127 --> 00:57:45,594 Oh, you would? 693 00:57:45,829 --> 00:57:47,797 Oh, how kind, kind sir. 694 00:57:48,665 --> 00:57:50,963 Yes, I'd definitely make you stop. 695 00:57:56,005 --> 00:57:58,098 And just what is it you do, then? 696 00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:01,933 Oh, this and that. Showbiz, kind of. Singing. 697 00:58:02,912 --> 00:58:06,541 - What do you like to sing about? - I sing about true love. 698 00:58:07,250 --> 00:58:08,581 That's nice. 699 00:58:09,252 --> 00:58:10,879 Have you ever found it? 700 00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:14,957 I thought I had, once. 701 00:58:18,061 --> 00:58:19,858 Here's one about true love. 702 00:58:24,300 --> 00:58:25,858 Ever heard this one? 703 00:58:27,804 --> 00:58:29,169 Nice, isn't it? 704 00:58:29,939 --> 00:58:32,032 I just love love songs. 705 00:58:36,579 --> 00:58:37,739 Take it off. 706 00:58:40,016 --> 00:58:43,008 - Don't you like it? - Take it off, there's a good lad. 707 00:58:45,688 --> 00:58:47,588 As you wish, sir. 708 00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:57,091 - Now, isn't that more comfortable? - Yes, sir. 709 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:02,395 Of course it is, my love-Ioving friend. 710 00:59:03,973 --> 00:59:07,272 Here, feel that. 711 00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:13,944 Good old-fashioned silk. 712 00:59:14,150 --> 00:59:17,142 - Here you are. - Thank you. 713 00:59:25,762 --> 00:59:27,127 It's beautiful. 714 00:59:30,366 --> 00:59:33,164 - You like it? - It's beautiful. 715 00:59:34,003 --> 00:59:35,300 Like it? 716 00:59:46,516 --> 00:59:50,646 But did true love save Kitten from the hands of the beast... 717 00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:53,086 in that worst of all fairy tales? 718 00:59:53,156 --> 00:59:55,954 No, what saved Kitten... 719 00:59:56,025 --> 00:59:58,585 was her precious perfume spray... 720 00:59:58,861 --> 01:00:02,729 bought for �2.99 in Roches Stores on Henry Street... 721 01:00:02,799 --> 01:00:05,635 before she left her beloved Emerald Isle. 722 01:00:16,279 --> 01:00:17,268 Hello. 723 01:00:19,816 --> 01:00:20,976 I'm sorry to interrupt... 724 01:00:21,050 --> 01:00:24,076 but are you all right, miss? 725 01:00:26,823 --> 01:00:28,654 Yes, fine, thank you. 726 01:00:29,325 --> 01:00:32,556 Just tired after my hard day's work. 727 01:00:33,630 --> 01:00:36,292 You have been sitting there for four hours now. 728 01:00:38,735 --> 01:00:41,226 Yes, busy at my desk. 729 01:00:42,672 --> 01:00:44,401 Busy at your desk? 730 01:00:47,377 --> 01:00:49,072 Writing my little book. 731 01:00:51,014 --> 01:00:52,447 Your little book? 732 01:00:55,018 --> 01:00:56,451 What type of book? 733 01:01:00,189 --> 01:01:01,486 Well, it's a... 734 01:01:01,557 --> 01:01:04,651 It's a mystery thriller, sir. 735 01:01:04,727 --> 01:01:06,854 About a woman who disappears. 736 01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:11,395 May I ask what it's called? 737 01:01:13,469 --> 01:01:14,731 Yes. 738 01:01:15,405 --> 01:01:16,667 It's called... 739 01:01:18,508 --> 01:01:20,237 Footprints in the Custard. 740 01:01:24,213 --> 01:01:27,046 No, I'm only joking. It doesn't have a name yet... 741 01:01:27,250 --> 01:01:31,118 because I don't know what's gonna happen if the mystery is ever solved. 742 01:01:31,888 --> 01:01:33,583 But the lady has a name? 743 01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:36,958 Phantom Lady. 744 01:01:38,294 --> 01:01:39,727 "Phantom Lady." 745 01:01:42,498 --> 01:01:46,332 No, her real name's Eily Bergin. She was my mother. 746 01:01:46,469 --> 01:01:48,096 - Your mother? - Yeah. 747 01:01:48,171 --> 01:01:50,298 And then she went away to the city of all cities... 748 01:01:50,373 --> 01:01:52,671 that never sleeps from dusk till dawn. 749 01:01:53,009 --> 01:01:57,070 - So, you think she's here in London? - No, I know she's here in London. 750 01:01:57,146 --> 01:01:58,511 Fantastic! 751 01:02:00,216 --> 01:02:02,844 The fantastic tale of Eily Bergin. 752 01:02:03,486 --> 01:02:05,511 I can't wait to hear the ending. 753 01:02:05,955 --> 01:02:09,948 - But you haven't even heard the start. - I can't wait to hear that, either. 754 01:02:12,028 --> 01:02:15,464 - So, are you a writer, too, then, sir? - Oh, good Lord, no. 755 01:02:17,800 --> 01:02:20,564 But something similar, maybe. 756 01:02:20,803 --> 01:02:24,204 Something similar? I wonder what that could be. 757 01:02:30,847 --> 01:02:32,439 You're a magician! 758 01:02:33,449 --> 01:02:36,009 Bertie Vaughan at your service. 759 01:02:37,887 --> 01:02:41,584 Now, the first thing that has to be said, Bertie dearest... 760 01:02:41,858 --> 01:02:46,227 is that you bear absolutely no resemblance to Marlon "Margarine" Brando. 761 01:02:46,796 --> 01:02:48,593 We all have our off days. 762 01:02:50,333 --> 01:02:53,097 So, tell me more about the Phantom Lady. 763 01:02:53,436 --> 01:02:55,666 Why? What's in it for me? 764 01:02:55,938 --> 01:02:58,031 I'll take you to see my show. 765 01:02:58,207 --> 01:03:00,903 Oh, it's a deal, Magic. 766 01:03:01,043 --> 01:03:05,776 So, where were we? Yes, the Phantom Lady. 767 01:03:05,982 --> 01:03:08,450 Eily Bergin had just arrived in Dublin... 768 01:03:08,518 --> 01:03:12,579 and just realized that her boat didn't sail for another four hours. 769 01:03:23,599 --> 01:03:25,499 Lo and behold, not a scratch. 770 01:03:25,835 --> 01:03:27,268 Thank you, my dear. 771 01:03:29,338 --> 01:03:30,566 Pick a card. 772 01:03:31,340 --> 01:03:32,364 Anyone? 773 01:03:33,009 --> 01:03:35,000 Come along, madam, pick a card. 774 01:03:35,144 --> 01:03:36,543 Any card. 775 01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:44,885 - Oh, my God! - Oh, yes, blimey. 776 01:03:44,954 --> 01:03:46,512 "Oh, my God" is right. 777 01:03:46,589 --> 01:03:50,525 I do believe you've chosen the 101 of hearts. 778 01:03:50,593 --> 01:03:53,118 Thank you, my dear, I'll take care of that. 779 01:03:56,165 --> 01:03:57,689 Time, of course. 780 01:03:58,134 --> 01:03:59,931 The time. 781 01:04:00,002 --> 01:04:03,335 Looks like it's up, you lovely people. 782 01:04:04,106 --> 01:04:07,633 Come on, help me, please, my loves. 783 01:04:08,511 --> 01:04:13,505 Anyone out there willing to encounter the great watch? 784 01:04:19,088 --> 01:04:20,988 - Hello, young lady. - Hello. 785 01:04:21,791 --> 01:04:25,386 And what's the story behind those beautiful blue eyes? 786 01:04:28,764 --> 01:04:33,633 - What's your name, young lady? - Patricia Kitten Braden. 787 01:04:33,903 --> 01:04:37,031 - And where are you from, my dear? - Ireland. 788 01:04:37,340 --> 01:04:40,605 Keep your eye on the watch, young Patricia. 789 01:04:42,278 --> 01:04:44,109 The whole world is in there. 790 01:04:46,048 --> 01:04:47,811 Tick-tock. 791 01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:52,184 Swing-swong. 792 01:04:53,823 --> 01:04:55,586 And, dare I say it... 793 01:04:56,225 --> 01:04:57,988 ding-dong. 794 01:04:59,262 --> 01:05:03,221 And let the great watch guide you. 795 01:05:15,711 --> 01:05:18,509 And what brings you to our great metropolis? 796 01:05:19,181 --> 01:05:20,944 I'm looking for my mammy. 797 01:05:21,617 --> 01:05:24,586 Oh. And where did Mummy go? 798 01:05:25,554 --> 01:05:29,354 - The city swallowed her up. - Oh, fancy that. 799 01:05:29,725 --> 01:05:32,057 Well, it will do that to people. 800 01:05:33,763 --> 01:05:36,459 But do you know what, Patricia? 801 01:05:37,333 --> 01:05:40,166 - I think I see your mother. - Where? 802 01:05:40,269 --> 01:05:43,466 Why, down there by that table by the jukebox. 803 01:05:44,073 --> 01:05:45,597 Mammy! 804 01:05:49,078 --> 01:05:51,774 On second thoughts, Patricia... 805 01:05:51,847 --> 01:05:54,645 she's not your mother, she's your great-aunt Ida. 806 01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:57,249 That's your mother over there. 807 01:05:57,687 --> 01:05:59,018 Mammy? 808 01:06:00,556 --> 01:06:02,023 Mammy! 809 01:06:02,692 --> 01:06:03,852 Oh, Mammy. 810 01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:08,426 Actually... 811 01:06:08,497 --> 01:06:13,196 Patricia, that's your second cousin Ronnie, just out of the Scrubs. 812 01:06:14,470 --> 01:06:15,869 In fact... 813 01:06:17,106 --> 01:06:19,301 your mummy is right up here. 814 01:06:21,043 --> 01:06:22,840 Up here on stage. 815 01:06:23,746 --> 01:06:25,475 Come to Mummy. 816 01:06:26,549 --> 01:06:28,483 Come to Mummy. 817 01:06:29,285 --> 01:06:31,185 Come to Mummy. 818 01:06:31,420 --> 01:06:33,411 Come to Mummy. 819 01:06:33,789 --> 01:06:37,486 You love your mummy and your poppy. 820 01:06:39,028 --> 01:06:41,326 Good to have you back, darling. 821 01:06:41,931 --> 01:06:43,922 And Mummy's never leaving again. 822 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:45,228 Never. 823 01:06:46,402 --> 01:06:47,426 Never. 824 01:06:48,270 --> 01:06:50,636 Never, I promise. Never. 825 01:07:11,660 --> 01:07:14,288 Just call me Old Sawbones. 826 01:07:23,406 --> 01:07:26,204 - You all right, dear? - Yes. 827 01:07:38,487 --> 01:07:41,923 Those of a nervous disposition... 828 01:07:41,991 --> 01:07:45,483 should now close their eyes. 829 01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:51,260 Oh, dear. 830 01:07:59,442 --> 01:08:01,239 Are you all right, Kitten? 831 01:08:02,778 --> 01:08:05,406 No, I'm actually quite heartbroken. 832 01:08:11,587 --> 01:08:13,748 I think I see the problem. 833 01:08:38,981 --> 01:08:41,381 Gee, thanks, Cupid.