1 00:00:46,695 --> 00:00:49,163 In the bleak days of 1983... 2 00:00:49,375 --> 00:00:53,368 as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy... 3 00:00:53,895 --> 00:00:57,171 the good, loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company... 4 00:00:57,255 --> 00:01:01,407 a once-proud family firm recently fallen on hard times... 5 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:06,052 strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management. 6 00:01:07,455 --> 00:01:09,332 Terrible. Really terrible. 7 00:01:28,375 --> 00:01:29,410 Row! 8 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,406 That's it, Evans. You're fired. 9 00:01:58,175 --> 00:01:59,654 You heard me. Out. 10 00:02:01,095 --> 00:02:03,325 Did you hear that? He's been sacked. 11 00:02:04,695 --> 00:02:06,128 Sacked? 12 00:02:07,215 --> 00:02:11,413 Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em. 13 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:20,044 Come on! 14 00:03:12,175 --> 00:03:13,972 Let me out of here! 15 00:03:15,415 --> 00:03:18,134 I demand to see my lawyer! 16 00:03:26,615 --> 00:03:28,014 Tooley! Come on. 17 00:03:53,615 --> 00:03:55,571 Quiet! Silence! 18 00:03:56,095 --> 00:03:58,051 Now, lads, let's move. 19 00:03:58,135 --> 00:04:01,889 You, you and you, break open the weapons. 20 00:04:02,015 --> 00:04:04,813 You, you and you, into the rigging. 21 00:04:05,975 --> 00:04:09,604 - And you, put the kettle on. - Aye, sir. 22 00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:28,127 There, there, Charles. 23 00:04:56,455 --> 00:04:57,524 Sorry! 24 00:04:58,255 --> 00:05:00,211 Come on, Tooley. This way! 25 00:05:24,135 --> 00:05:25,807 Weigh the anchor! 26 00:05:26,575 --> 00:05:27,928 Weigh the anchor! 27 00:05:29,255 --> 00:05:30,768 Weigh the anchor. 28 00:06:33,375 --> 00:06:36,173 And so, the Crimson Permanent Assurance... 29 00:06:36,255 --> 00:06:40,373 was launched upon the high seas of international finance. 30 00:06:57,655 --> 00:07:00,453 Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route! 31 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,688 Cup of tea, dear? Hey, Captain! 32 00:07:05,255 --> 00:07:07,610 Look! To starboard! 33 00:07:11,535 --> 00:07:14,413 There it lay: The prize they sought. 34 00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,487 Hard to starboard! 35 00:07:17,935 --> 00:07:22,087 A financial district swollen with multinationals, conglomerates... 36 00:07:22,695 --> 00:07:25,846 and fat, bloated merchant banks. 37 00:07:28,575 --> 00:07:31,772 All right, lads, battle stations! 38 00:07:33,175 --> 00:07:35,166 Come on! Move it! 39 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:02,128 All right, then. That's enough. Take cover! 40 00:08:22,975 --> 00:08:24,852 Down, down! 41 00:09:00,775 --> 00:09:02,606 Hard to starboard! 42 00:09:24,575 --> 00:09:25,974 Fire! 43 00:10:32,855 --> 00:10:34,891 Eric! My balance sheets! 44 00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:39,166 Ross! Get the readouts! 45 00:10:46,255 --> 00:10:48,325 - Stop him! - Eric! 46 00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:50,494 Thanks! Charge! 47 00:11:39,495 --> 00:11:41,770 No, no! Let me! Let me! Okay, Kane. 48 00:11:48,255 --> 00:11:49,244 Captured! 49 00:11:56,975 --> 00:11:58,010 Gotcha! 50 00:12:34,375 --> 00:12:35,490 Take this. 51 00:12:41,215 --> 00:12:43,012 Here. File this. 52 00:12:54,215 --> 00:12:55,330 Shit! 53 00:13:04,255 --> 00:13:07,611 And so, heartened by their initial success... 54 00:13:07,775 --> 00:13:12,530 the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance... 55 00:13:13,295 --> 00:13:15,968 battled on, until... 56 00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:20,567 as the sun set slowly in the west... 57 00:13:21,295 --> 00:13:25,447 the outstanding returns on their bold business venture became apparent. 58 00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:30,929 Once-proud financial giants lay in ruins... 59 00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:35,485 their assets stripped... 60 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,847 their policies in tatters. 61 00:13:52,255 --> 00:13:55,327 Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen! 62 00:13:56,015 --> 00:13:58,893 Up, up, up your premium 63 00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:02,411 Scribble away and balance the books 64 00:14:02,815 --> 00:14:05,807 Scribble away, but balance the books 65 00:14:06,415 --> 00:14:09,691 It's fun to charter an accountant 66 00:14:09,775 --> 00:14:13,245 And sail the wide accountancy 67 00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:17,814 To find, explore the funds offshore 68 00:14:17,895 --> 00:14:21,205 And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy 69 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,846 It can be manly in insurance 70 00:14:25,455 --> 00:14:28,731 We'll up your premium semi-annually 71 00:14:29,215 --> 00:14:33,094 It's all tax-deductible We're fairly incorruptible 72 00:14:33,335 --> 00:14:36,247 Sailing on the wide accountancy 73 00:14:38,095 --> 00:14:41,724 And so, they sailed off into the ledgers of history... 74 00:14:42,495 --> 00:14:45,089 one by one, the financial capitals of the world... 75 00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:48,167 crumbling under the might of their business acumen. 76 00:14:48,735 --> 00:14:50,373 Or so it would have been... 77 00:14:50,455 --> 00:14:53,845 if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world... 78 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:57,484 had not proved to be disastrously wrong. 79 00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:26,137 - Morning. - Morning. 80 00:16:31,066 --> 00:16:32,996 - Morning. - Morning. 81 00:16:32,997 --> 00:16:35,409 Morning. 82 00:16:37,537 --> 00:16:41,905 - Morning. - Morning. 83 00:16:42,012 --> 00:16:44,424 - What's new? - Not much. 84 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:52,054 - Morning! - Good morning! - Morning! 85 00:16:54,762 --> 00:16:57,747 - Frank was just asking what's new. - Was he? 86 00:16:57,853 --> 00:17:00,265 Yes. Hmm. 87 00:17:02,038 --> 00:17:06,604 - Hey, look. Howard's being eaten. - Is he? 88 00:17:13,789 --> 00:17:15,977 - Makes you think, doesn't it? - Mmm. 89 00:17:15,978 --> 00:17:19,896 - I mean, what's it all about? - Beats me. 90 00:17:20,003 --> 00:17:22,867 * Why are we here 91 00:17:23,963 --> 00:17:26,344 * What's life all about 92 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:28,373 * Is God really real 93 00:17:28,374 --> 00:17:30,786 * Or is there some doubt 94 00:17:32,077 --> 00:17:37,159 * Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out 95 00:17:37,261 --> 00:17:40,509 * For tonight it's The Meaning of Life 96 00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:46,820 * What's the point of all these hoax 97 00:17:46,919 --> 00:17:49,421 * Is it the chicken and the egg time 98 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,029 * Are we just yolks 99 00:17:52,135 --> 00:17:56,953 * Or perhaps we�re just one of God's little jokes 100 00:17:57,061 --> 00:18:00,946 * Well, ca c'est le meaning of life 101 00:18:02,244 --> 00:18:05,010 * Is life just a game 102 00:18:05,110 --> 00:18:07,522 * Where we make up the rules 103 00:18:07,621 --> 00:18:12,319 * While we're searching for something to say 104 00:18:12,418 --> 00:18:17,785 * Or are we just simply spiralling coils 105 00:18:17,891 --> 00:18:20,843 * Of self-replicating DNA 106 00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:23,362 * Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay 107 00:18:23,365 --> 00:18:26,197 * What's life What is our fate 108 00:18:27,711 --> 00:18:30,123 * Is there heaven and hell 109 00:18:30,126 --> 00:18:32,925 * Do we reincarnate 110 00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:38,040 * Is mankind evolving or is it too late 111 00:18:38,143 --> 00:18:41,128 * Well, tonight here's the meaning of life 112 00:18:41,234 --> 00:18:44,329 * For millions 113 00:18:44,431 --> 00:18:47,972 * This life is a sad vale of tears 114 00:18:48,075 --> 00:18:51,105 * Sitting round with really nothing to say 115 00:18:52,902 --> 00:18:55,297 * While scientists say 116 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,493 * We�re just simply spiralling coils 117 00:18:58,592 --> 00:19:01,436 * Of self-replicating DNA 118 00:19:01,533 --> 00:19:03,928 * Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay 119 00:19:04,027 --> 00:19:07,700 * So just why Why are we here 120 00:19:07,799 --> 00:19:09,716 * And just what 121 00:19:09,717 --> 00:19:12,112 * What, what, what do we fear 122 00:19:13,137 --> 00:19:15,687 * Well, ce soir for a change 123 00:19:15,791 --> 00:19:18,027 * It will all be made clear 124 00:19:18,028 --> 00:19:21,886 * For this is The Meaning of Life 125 00:19:21,992 --> 00:19:23,909 * C'est la sens de la vivre * 126 00:19:23,910 --> 00:19:25,379 * This is The Meaning of Life 127 00:19:59,682 --> 00:20:03,290 - One thousand and eight! - Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, Doctor. 128 00:20:03,390 --> 00:20:06,005 - Good. Take her into the fetus-frightening room. - Right. 129 00:20:14,099 --> 00:20:19,079 Jolly good. It's, uh, a bit bare in here today, isn't it? 130 00:20:19,182 --> 00:20:22,920 - Yes. - Yes. More apparatus, please, Nurse. 131 00:20:23,018 --> 00:20:26,942 - The EEG, the BP monitor and the AW. - Certainly, Doctor. 132 00:20:27,046 --> 00:20:29,123 And get the machine that goes "ping!" 133 00:20:29,124 --> 00:20:31,968 And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes. 134 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,539 That's it. Bring it in. Bring it right here. Behind me. 135 00:20:43,637 --> 00:20:46,416 - Lovely, lovely. - Jolly good. That's better. 136 00:20:46,514 --> 00:20:50,438 - That's much, much better. - Yes, more like it. 137 00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:54,082 Uh, still something missing, though. 138 00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:56,581 Hmm? Hmm. 139 00:20:58,821 --> 00:21:00,738 - Patient. - Patient. Yes. 140 00:21:00,739 --> 00:21:03,134 - Where's the patient? Patient! - Anyone seen the patient? 141 00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:06,929 - Ah! Here she is. - Bring it over here. 142 00:21:07,037 --> 00:21:10,033 - Mind the machines! - Sorry, Doctor. - Come along! 143 00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:12,055 - Come along. - Jump on it. Hup! 144 00:21:12,056 --> 00:21:15,630 - Hello. Now don't you worry. - We'll soon have you cured. 145 00:21:15,732 --> 00:21:18,347 Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you. 146 00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:21,708 - Good-bye. Drips up. - Injections. 147 00:21:21,806 --> 00:21:24,737 - Can I put the tube in the baby's head? - Only if I can do the episiotomy. 148 00:21:24,843 --> 00:21:26,983 - Okay. Thank you. - Uh, legs up. 149 00:21:26,984 --> 00:21:30,242 - Oh, come in. Come on in, all of you. - That's it. Jolly good. 150 00:21:30,341 --> 00:21:32,793 - Come on. - Come along. Spread round there. 151 00:21:32,898 --> 00:21:34,815 - Who are you? - I'm the husband. 152 00:21:34,816 --> 00:21:38,805 I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. 153 00:21:38,908 --> 00:21:41,080 - What do I do? - Yes? 154 00:21:41,082 --> 00:21:45,103 - What do I do? - Nothing, dear. You're not qualified. 155 00:21:45,206 --> 00:21:47,625 - Leave it to us. - What's that for? 156 00:21:47,731 --> 00:21:50,216 That's the machine that goes "ping!" 157 00:21:50,321 --> 00:21:55,171 You see? That means your baby is still alive. 158 00:21:55,276 --> 00:21:58,687 And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital. 159 00:21:58,792 --> 00:22:03,326 - Yes, it cost over 3/4 of a million pounds. - Aren't you lucky! 160 00:22:03,427 --> 00:22:05,912 The administrator is here, Doctor. 161 00:22:06,017 --> 00:22:09,210 - Switch everything on. - Morning, gentlemen. 162 00:22:09,310 --> 00:22:11,258 - Morning. - Morning, gentlemen. Morning. 163 00:22:11,259 --> 00:22:13,176 - Morning, Mr. Pycroft. - Mr. Pycroft. 164 00:22:13,177 --> 00:22:15,094 Oh, very impressive. Very impressive. 165 00:22:15,095 --> 00:22:18,157 - And what are you doing this morning? - It's a birth. 166 00:22:18,261 --> 00:22:20,241 Ah. And what sort of thing is that? 167 00:22:20,242 --> 00:22:25,419 Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. 168 00:22:25,517 --> 00:22:27,498 Wonderful what we can do nowadays. 169 00:22:27,499 --> 00:22:30,627 Ah! I see you have the machine that goes "ping!" 170 00:22:30,728 --> 00:22:34,336 This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, 171 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:38,774 and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. 172 00:22:42,428 --> 00:22:47,376 Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on. 173 00:22:47,479 --> 00:22:50,029 - Oh, the vulva's dilating, Doctor. - Oh, yes, there's the head. 174 00:22:50,132 --> 00:22:52,998 Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres. 175 00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:56,101 - Lights! - Amplify the ping machine. - Masks up! 176 00:22:56,206 --> 00:22:58,920 - Suction! - Eyes down for a full house! 177 00:22:59,019 --> 00:23:01,414 Here it comes. 178 00:23:02,087 --> 00:23:04,953 And frighten it. 179 00:23:05,060 --> 00:23:08,405 - Thank you. - And the rough towels! 180 00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:12,535 Show it to the mother. That's enough. 181 00:23:12,637 --> 00:23:14,874 - Right. Sedate her. - Number the child. 182 00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:16,952 Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it. 183 00:23:16,953 --> 00:23:19,221 Okay, show's over. 184 00:23:19,222 --> 00:23:22,382 Is it a boy or a girl? 185 00:23:22,483 --> 00:23:26,275 I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? 186 00:23:26,383 --> 00:23:29,162 Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time... 187 00:23:29,260 --> 00:23:33,347 a totally irrational feeling of depression, P.N.D., as we doctors call it. 188 00:23:33,448 --> 00:23:35,748 So, it's lots of happy pills for you, 189 00:23:35,749 --> 00:23:38,234 and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. 190 00:23:38,339 --> 00:23:41,880 It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8. 191 00:24:03,305 --> 00:24:05,920 Oh, bloody hell. 192 00:24:13,055 --> 00:24:16,313 - Oh, get it, would you, Deidre? - All right, Mum. 193 00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:28,874 - Now whose teatime is it? - Mine! 194 00:24:28,975 --> 00:24:30,956 Shh! Come on. Out you go. 195 00:24:30,957 --> 00:24:33,539 Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, 196 00:24:33,642 --> 00:24:36,573 Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, 197 00:24:36,679 --> 00:24:39,839 Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha, it's your bedtime. 198 00:24:39,940 --> 00:24:42,839 - Aww! - Now don't argue! 199 00:24:42,945 --> 00:24:45,691 Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and... 200 00:24:45,790 --> 00:24:50,062 Wait. I've got something to tell the whole family. 201 00:24:50,170 --> 00:24:52,565 Oh, quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon. 202 00:24:54,740 --> 00:24:57,584 The mill's closed. There's no more work. 203 00:24:57,682 --> 00:25:01,061 We're destitute. 204 00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:04,032 Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all... 205 00:25:04,139 --> 00:25:06,056 for scientific experiments. 206 00:25:06,057 --> 00:25:08,229 Oh! 207 00:25:08,231 --> 00:25:10,650 No, no, that's the way it is, my loves. 208 00:25:10,756 --> 00:25:13,818 Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. 209 00:25:13,921 --> 00:25:16,852 Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. 210 00:25:16,958 --> 00:25:20,598 They've preserved the might and majesty, even mystery of the Church of Rome, 211 00:25:20,698 --> 00:25:25,036 and the sanctity of the sacrament, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, 212 00:25:25,142 --> 00:25:28,912 but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, 213 00:25:29,009 --> 00:25:31,404 we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. 214 00:25:31,503 --> 00:25:35,295 Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary? 215 00:25:35,404 --> 00:25:39,425 Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest-growing religion in the world, my boy. 216 00:25:39,527 --> 00:25:43,385 - Mmm, he's right. - You see, we believe... 217 00:25:43,492 --> 00:25:45,440 * Let me put it like this. * 218 00:25:45,441 --> 00:25:47,893 * There are Jews in the world * 219 00:25:47,998 --> 00:25:49,915 * There are Buddhists * 220 00:25:49,916 --> 00:25:54,134 * There are Hindus and Mormons and then * 221 00:25:54,232 --> 00:25:57,523 * There are those that follow Mohammed * 222 00:25:57,621 --> 00:26:01,991 * But I've never been one of them * 223 00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:07,712 * I'm a Roman Catholic * 224 00:26:07,819 --> 00:26:11,230 * And have been since before I was born * 225 00:26:11,335 --> 00:26:14,299 * And the one thing they say about Catholics * 226 00:26:14,403 --> 00:26:18,261 * Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm * 227 00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:21,713 * You don't have to be a six-footer * 228 00:26:21,820 --> 00:26:25,132 * You don't have to have a great brain * 229 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,684 * You don't have to have any clothes on * 230 00:26:28,789 --> 00:26:32,843 * You're a Catholic the moment Dad came * 231 00:26:32,945 --> 00:26:35,691 * Because * 232 00:26:35,789 --> 00:26:40,323 * Every sperm is sacred * 233 00:26:40,425 --> 00:26:44,893 * Every sperm is great * 234 00:26:44,996 --> 00:26:49,083 * If a sperm is wasted * 235 00:26:49,184 --> 00:26:52,377 * God gets quite irate * 236 00:26:53,532 --> 00:26:57,586 * Every sperm is sacred * 237 00:26:57,688 --> 00:27:01,426 * Every sperm is great * 238 00:27:01,524 --> 00:27:06,091 * If a sperm is wasted * 239 00:27:06,191 --> 00:27:10,310 * God gets quite irate * 240 00:27:10,411 --> 00:27:14,367 * Let the heathens spill theirs * 241 00:27:14,470 --> 00:27:18,655 * On the dusty ground * 242 00:27:18,754 --> 00:27:21,718 * God shall make them pay * 243 00:27:21,822 --> 00:27:26,486 * For each sperm that can't be found * 244 00:27:26,586 --> 00:27:30,924 * Every sperm is wanted * 245 00:27:31,029 --> 00:27:34,854 * Every sperm is good * 246 00:27:34,961 --> 00:27:39,495 * Every sperm is needed * 247 00:27:39,596 --> 00:27:43,454 * In your neighbourhood * 248 00:27:43,561 --> 00:27:46,819 * Hindu, Taoist, Mormon * 249 00:27:46,917 --> 00:27:50,655 * Spill theirs just anywhere * 250 00:27:50,753 --> 00:27:54,262 * But God loves those who treat * 251 00:27:54,366 --> 00:27:58,518 * Their semen with more care * 252 00:27:58,617 --> 00:28:02,769 * Every sperm is sacred * 253 00:28:02,869 --> 00:28:05,997 * Every sperm is great * 254 00:28:06,097 --> 00:28:09,955 * If a sperm is wasted * 255 00:28:10,062 --> 00:28:13,702 * God gets quite irate * 256 00:28:13,802 --> 00:28:17,540 * Every sperm is sacred * 257 00:28:17,638 --> 00:28:21,430 * Every sperm is good * * Every sperm is good * 258 00:28:21,538 --> 00:28:24,982 * Every sperm is needed * 259 00:28:25,086 --> 00:28:28,856 * In your neighbourhood * 260 00:28:28,954 --> 00:28:32,495 * Every sperm is useful * 261 00:28:32,598 --> 00:28:36,206 * Every sperm is fine * 262 00:28:36,307 --> 00:28:39,718 * God needs everybody's * 263 00:28:39,823 --> 00:28:43,135 * - Mine * * - And mine * * - And mine * 264 00:28:57,661 --> 00:29:01,072 * Let the pagans spill theirs * 265 00:29:01,177 --> 00:29:05,002 * O'er mountain hill and plain * 266 00:29:05,109 --> 00:29:07,855 * God shall strike them down * 267 00:29:07,955 --> 00:29:12,587 * For each sperm that's spilt in vain * 268 00:29:12,686 --> 00:29:16,294 * Every sperm is sacred * 269 00:29:16,394 --> 00:29:20,099 * Every sperm is good * 270 00:29:20,198 --> 00:29:23,772 * Every sperm is needed * 271 00:29:23,874 --> 00:29:27,165 * In your neighbourhood * 272 00:29:27,263 --> 00:29:30,707 * Every sperm is sacred * 273 00:29:30,811 --> 00:29:34,385 * Every sperm is great * 274 00:29:34,487 --> 00:29:37,866 * If a sperm is wasted * 275 00:29:37,972 --> 00:29:39,889 * God gets * 276 00:29:39,890 --> 00:29:45,448 * Quite irate ** 277 00:29:50,919 --> 00:29:53,314 So you see my problem, little ones. 278 00:29:53,316 --> 00:29:55,361 I can't keep you all here any longer. 279 00:29:55,363 --> 00:29:57,280 Speak up! 280 00:29:57,281 --> 00:29:59,798 I can't keep you all here any longer! 281 00:29:59,902 --> 00:30:04,152 God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you anymore. 282 00:30:04,249 --> 00:30:06,799 Couldn't you have your balls cut off? 283 00:30:06,903 --> 00:30:10,314 It's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all. 284 00:30:10,419 --> 00:30:15,432 He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him. 285 00:30:15,534 --> 00:30:19,872 You could have had them pulled off in an accident. 286 00:30:19,977 --> 00:30:23,901 No. Children, I know you're trying to help, but believe me, me mind's made up. 287 00:30:24,005 --> 00:30:26,816 I've given this long and careful thought, 288 00:30:26,914 --> 00:30:29,376 and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you. 289 00:30:29,409 --> 00:30:31,770 Ohh. 290 00:30:31,997 --> 00:30:37,040 * Every sperm is sacred 291 00:30:37,144 --> 00:30:41,416 * Every sperm is great 292 00:30:43,250 --> 00:30:45,865 Look at them. Bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up... 293 00:30:45,967 --> 00:30:49,346 with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed. 294 00:30:49,451 --> 00:30:53,985 - What are we, dear? - Protestant, and fiercely proud of it. 295 00:30:54,086 --> 00:30:56,701 Well, why do they have so many children? 296 00:30:56,803 --> 00:31:00,661 Because every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby. 297 00:31:00,768 --> 00:31:03,732 - But it's the same with us, Harry. - What do you mean? 298 00:31:03,836 --> 00:31:06,008 Well, I mean we've got two children, 299 00:31:06,010 --> 00:31:08,405 and we've had sexual intercourse twice. 300 00:31:08,503 --> 00:31:11,663 That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted. 301 00:31:11,764 --> 00:31:13,841 - Really? - Oh, yes. And what's more, 302 00:31:13,842 --> 00:31:18,060 because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions. 303 00:31:18,158 --> 00:31:20,107 What, you mean lock the door? 304 00:31:20,108 --> 00:31:23,900 No, no. I mean because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, 305 00:31:24,008 --> 00:31:28,062 which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-16th century, 306 00:31:28,164 --> 00:31:31,226 we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue. 307 00:31:31,328 --> 00:31:35,033 - What do you mean? - I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you... 308 00:31:35,133 --> 00:31:38,773 - Oh, yes, Harry. - ... and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fellow, 309 00:31:38,873 --> 00:31:42,284 I could ensure that when I came off, you would not be impregnated. 310 00:31:42,389 --> 00:31:45,768 That's what being a Protestant's all about. 311 00:31:45,873 --> 00:31:48,804 That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone... 312 00:31:48,911 --> 00:31:51,690 who respects the individual and the individual's right... 313 00:31:51,788 --> 00:31:54,025 to decide for him or herself. 314 00:31:54,026 --> 00:31:58,276 When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, 315 00:31:58,372 --> 00:32:01,271 he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing, 316 00:32:01,378 --> 00:32:04,277 but 400 years later, thanks to him, my dear, 317 00:32:04,382 --> 00:32:07,030 I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. 318 00:32:07,132 --> 00:32:10,990 And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh, no! 319 00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:13,677 - I can wear French Ticklers if I want. - You what? 320 00:32:13,781 --> 00:32:16,777 French Ticklers, Black Mambos, Crocodile Ribs. 321 00:32:16,882 --> 00:32:19,497 Sheaths that are designed not only to protect... 322 00:32:19,599 --> 00:32:22,857 but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress. 323 00:32:22,955 --> 00:32:25,734 - Have you got one? - Have I got one? Well, no, 324 00:32:25,832 --> 00:32:28,611 but I can go down the road anytime I want and walk into Harry's... 325 00:32:28,709 --> 00:32:31,771 and hold my head up high and say, in a loud, steady voice... 326 00:32:31,875 --> 00:32:34,327 "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. 327 00:32:34,432 --> 00:32:38,137 "In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant. " 328 00:32:38,236 --> 00:32:40,753 - Well, why don't you? - But they... They cannot... 329 00:32:40,858 --> 00:32:43,724 because their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages... 330 00:32:43,831 --> 00:32:47,143 and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy. 331 00:32:47,251 --> 00:32:49,168 But despite the attempts of Protestants... 332 00:32:49,169 --> 00:32:51,677 to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, 333 00:32:51,711 --> 00:32:54,185 children continue to multiply everywhere. 334 00:32:56,456 --> 00:33:01,023 The Adventures of Martin Luther. 335 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,542 An exciting and controversial examination... 336 00:33:14,646 --> 00:33:17,041 of the Protestant reformer whose reassessment of the role... 337 00:33:17,075 --> 00:33:18,736 of the individual in Christian belief... 338 00:33:18,738 --> 00:33:21,320 shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany... 339 00:33:21,422 --> 00:33:23,817 in the grip of the 16th century. 340 00:33:28,232 --> 00:33:31,643 It was a day much like any other in the quiet town of Wittenberg. 341 00:33:31,748 --> 00:33:34,143 Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal... 342 00:33:34,209 --> 00:33:36,604 when the full force of the Reformation struck. 343 00:33:37,246 --> 00:33:39,514 Mamie! Martin Luther's out! 344 00:33:39,516 --> 00:33:41,911 Oh, Martin Luther. 345 00:33:48,307 --> 00:33:50,351 Did you get the suet, Hymie? 346 00:33:50,353 --> 00:33:52,590 Oy vey! The suet I clean forgot. 347 00:33:52,591 --> 00:33:54,124 The suet? You forgot? 348 00:33:54,126 --> 00:33:56,840 The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat, the dripping, the bull grease... 349 00:33:56,938 --> 00:33:58,822 I'll remember, but the suet, oy vey. 350 00:33:58,824 --> 00:34:01,219 So, what do you keep up here? Adipose tissue? 351 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:05,565 - Look out. Here he comes. - Girls, your father forgot the suet! 352 00:34:06,816 --> 00:34:09,148 - Hello, Martin. - Where's the john? 353 00:34:09,150 --> 00:34:12,561 - We don't have one. - No john? What do you do? 354 00:34:12,666 --> 00:34:15,597 - We eat fat. - That stops you going to the john? 355 00:34:15,703 --> 00:34:18,383 - It's a theory. - Yeah, but does it work? 356 00:34:18,484 --> 00:34:20,879 - We ain't got no john. - Yeah, but you need to go. 357 00:34:20,978 --> 00:34:23,373 You know how it is with theories. Some days they're fine... 358 00:34:23,439 --> 00:34:24,908 maybe one, two, three days. 359 00:34:24,910 --> 00:34:27,329 Then just when it looks like you're ready for the publish... 360 00:34:27,436 --> 00:34:28,905 you need a new kitchen floor. 361 00:34:28,906 --> 00:34:31,301 You should be so lucky. 362 00:34:32,071 --> 00:34:33,763 Do you need any cleaning inside? 363 00:34:33,765 --> 00:34:35,777 Not today. It's all going fine. 364 00:34:35,778 --> 00:34:38,393 How's about showing me the cutlery? 365 00:34:38,496 --> 00:34:40,380 I got a woman and children in there. 366 00:34:40,382 --> 00:34:43,444 So, there's no problem. I'll just look at a few spoons. 367 00:34:43,546 --> 00:34:46,161 I got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean? 368 00:34:46,264 --> 00:34:48,181 Honest, I don't look at your girls. 369 00:34:48,182 --> 00:34:50,482 I don't think about them. There. 370 00:34:50,484 --> 00:34:53,066 I'll put them out of my mind... their arms, their necks... 371 00:34:53,169 --> 00:34:56,613 their little legs and bosoms I'll wipe from my mind. 372 00:34:57,484 --> 00:34:59,241 You just want to see the spoons? 373 00:34:59,242 --> 00:35:01,637 My life. That's what I want to see. 374 00:35:03,910 --> 00:35:06,362 - I know I'm gonna regret this. - No, listen. 375 00:35:06,467 --> 00:35:08,479 Cutlery's really my thing now. 376 00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:11,641 Girls with round breasts is over for me. 377 00:35:11,742 --> 00:35:13,786 What am I doing? I know what's going to happen. 378 00:35:13,788 --> 00:35:16,183 I'll crouch behind you. 379 00:35:18,934 --> 00:35:21,329 Mamie, guess who's come to see us? 380 00:35:21,332 --> 00:35:25,637 Hymie, are you out of your mind already? You know how old your daughters are. 381 00:35:25,743 --> 00:35:27,405 He only wants to see the spoons. 382 00:35:27,407 --> 00:35:29,859 What do you have to bring him into my house for? 383 00:35:29,964 --> 00:35:31,656 He doesn't think about girls anymore. 384 00:35:31,657 --> 00:35:35,101 Mrs. Meyer, as far as girls is concerned... 385 00:35:35,206 --> 00:35:36,963 I shot my wad. 386 00:35:36,964 --> 00:35:40,157 - You shot your wad? - Definitely. 387 00:35:40,257 --> 00:35:43,253 - Which spoons do you want to view? - I guess the soup spoons. 388 00:35:43,357 --> 00:35:45,082 Now, they're good spoons. 389 00:35:45,084 --> 00:35:47,732 - You got them arranged? - No, but I can arrange them for you. 390 00:35:47,833 --> 00:35:49,877 Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer. 391 00:35:49,879 --> 00:35:52,494 It's no bother. I want for you to see these spoons... 392 00:35:52,596 --> 00:35:54,801 like I would want to see them myself. 393 00:35:54,802 --> 00:35:57,070 You're too kind, Mrs. Meyer. 394 00:35:57,072 --> 00:35:59,053 You could get your daughters to show me them. 395 00:35:59,054 --> 00:36:01,194 Hymie, get him out of here! 396 00:36:01,196 --> 00:36:04,291 Mamie, he only said for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons. 397 00:36:04,393 --> 00:36:06,788 You think I'm running some kind of bordello here? 398 00:36:06,822 --> 00:36:09,470 Mrs. Meyer, how can you say such a thing? 399 00:36:09,571 --> 00:36:12,350 Listen, Martin Luther. I know what you want to do with my girls. 400 00:36:12,448 --> 00:36:13,726 Show me the spoons. 401 00:36:13,727 --> 00:36:15,515 You want them to pull up their skirts... 402 00:36:15,517 --> 00:36:17,881 and then lean over a chair with their legs apart! 403 00:36:17,882 --> 00:36:19,767 - Mamie, don't get excited. - I'm getting excited? 404 00:36:19,769 --> 00:36:23,474 - It's him that's getting excited! - My mind is on the spoons. 405 00:36:23,573 --> 00:36:26,188 But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs. 406 00:36:26,290 --> 00:36:29,548 - I gotta go to the bathroom. - I'm a married woman! 407 00:36:29,646 --> 00:36:31,404 Just show him the spoons. 408 00:36:31,405 --> 00:36:34,085 And you don't want to put nothing up me? 409 00:36:34,986 --> 00:36:38,919 Mrs. Meyer, you read my mind. 410 00:36:39,022 --> 00:36:41,422 Yes, another convert for the Protestants. 411 00:36:41,521 --> 00:36:45,005 But despite Luther's efforts to promote the idea of sex for pleasure... 412 00:36:45,110 --> 00:36:47,510 children multiplied everywhere. 413 00:36:54,753 --> 00:36:59,941 "And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. 414 00:37:00,039 --> 00:37:03,490 "And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead... 415 00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:05,838 "in Kadesh Bilgemath... 416 00:37:05,839 --> 00:37:07,920 "by Shor Ethra Regalion... 417 00:37:07,922 --> 00:37:12,083 "to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, 418 00:37:12,182 --> 00:37:14,770 "he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar... 419 00:37:14,874 --> 00:37:18,173 "and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon... 420 00:37:18,270 --> 00:37:21,088 "and there, slew they the goats, 421 00:37:21,185 --> 00:37:26,428 yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. " 422 00:37:27,657 --> 00:37:29,707 Here endeth the lesson. 423 00:37:29,708 --> 00:37:32,108 Let us praise God. 424 00:37:37,877 --> 00:37:40,695 - O Lord. - O Lord. 425 00:37:40,794 --> 00:37:43,194 Ooh, You are so big. 426 00:37:44,253 --> 00:37:46,653 Ooh, You are so big. 427 00:37:47,858 --> 00:37:52,718 So absolutely huge. 428 00:37:52,824 --> 00:37:57,718 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You. 429 00:37:57,822 --> 00:38:02,617 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You. 430 00:38:02,724 --> 00:38:07,104 Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying. 431 00:38:07,209 --> 00:38:10,059 And barefaced flattery. 432 00:38:10,157 --> 00:38:12,334 But You're so strong... 433 00:38:12,336 --> 00:38:15,952 and, well, just so super. 434 00:38:16,052 --> 00:38:18,452 Fantastic. 435 00:38:18,487 --> 00:38:20,729 - Amen, reverend. - Amen. 436 00:38:20,730 --> 00:38:23,995 Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil... 437 00:38:24,093 --> 00:38:26,714 into the school cormorant. 438 00:38:26,817 --> 00:38:31,164 Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part... 439 00:38:31,271 --> 00:38:33,416 in the life of the school, but I would remind you... 440 00:38:33,417 --> 00:38:37,415 that it was presented to us by the corporation of the town of Sudbury... 441 00:38:37,518 --> 00:38:40,139 to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember... 442 00:38:40,241 --> 00:38:42,829 the names of all those from the Sudbury area... 443 00:38:42,933 --> 00:38:45,751 who so gallantly gave their lives... 444 00:38:45,848 --> 00:38:48,248 to keep China British. 445 00:38:48,251 --> 00:38:52,511 So from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! 446 00:38:54,980 --> 00:38:57,126 Oh, and, Jenkins, 447 00:38:57,127 --> 00:38:59,748 apparently, your mother died this morning. 448 00:38:59,850 --> 00:39:02,250 Chaplain. 449 00:39:04,816 --> 00:39:08,497 * O Lord, please don't burn us * 450 00:39:08,596 --> 00:39:12,495 * Don't grill or toast Your flock * 451 00:39:12,601 --> 00:39:16,631 * Don't put us on the barbecue * 452 00:39:16,734 --> 00:39:20,994 * Or simmer us in stock * 453 00:39:21,091 --> 00:39:24,707 * Don't braise or bake or boil us * 454 00:39:24,808 --> 00:39:28,642 * Or stir-fry us in a wok * 455 00:39:30,126 --> 00:39:33,842 * Oh, please don't lightly poach us * 456 00:39:33,877 --> 00:39:36,945 * Or baste us with hot fat * 457 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:42,161 * Don't fricassee or roast us 458 00:39:42,269 --> 00:39:46,464 * Or boil us in a vat 459 00:39:46,562 --> 00:39:50,789 * And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord 460 00:39:50,888 --> 00:39:54,504 * In a Rotissomat 461 00:40:00,531 --> 00:40:04,496 He's coming! 462 00:40:09,117 --> 00:40:11,517 All right, settle down, settle down. 463 00:40:12,995 --> 00:40:15,649 Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you... 464 00:40:15,750 --> 00:40:18,404 who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down... 465 00:40:18,505 --> 00:40:22,700 onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, 466 00:40:22,799 --> 00:40:25,257 if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother... 467 00:40:25,361 --> 00:40:28,113 who's going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, 468 00:40:28,213 --> 00:40:31,664 collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after your haircut... 469 00:40:31,770 --> 00:40:34,807 and make sure he moves your clothes onto the lower peg for you. 470 00:40:34,910 --> 00:40:37,247 - Now... - Sir? 471 00:40:37,248 --> 00:40:39,458 - Yes, Wymer? - My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, 472 00:40:39,459 --> 00:40:42,397 but I'm not having my hair cut today, so do I move my clothes... 473 00:40:42,502 --> 00:40:45,123 I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. 474 00:40:45,226 --> 00:40:49,486 If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes. 475 00:40:49,584 --> 00:40:54,062 You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your Scripture prep, 476 00:40:54,165 --> 00:40:58,709 when you've written your letter home before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, 477 00:40:58,810 --> 00:41:02,524 greet the visitors and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. 478 00:41:04,257 --> 00:41:06,657 Now, sex. 479 00:41:08,422 --> 00:41:11,721 Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? 480 00:41:14,862 --> 00:41:17,286 Well, had I got as far as... 481 00:41:17,393 --> 00:41:20,942 the penis entering the vagina? 482 00:41:24,121 --> 00:41:26,362 - N-N-No, sir. - No, sir. No, sir. 483 00:41:26,364 --> 00:41:29,116 Well, had I done foreplay? 484 00:41:32,003 --> 00:41:36,350 - Yes, sir. - Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, 485 00:41:36,456 --> 00:41:40,552 no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. 486 00:41:41,775 --> 00:41:44,942 Biggs. 487 00:41:47,061 --> 00:41:49,078 Don't know. Sorry, sir. 488 00:41:49,079 --> 00:41:54,650 - Carter? - Oh. Was it taking your clothes off, sir? 489 00:41:56,224 --> 00:41:58,274 Well, a-and after that? 490 00:41:58,275 --> 00:42:00,675 Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir. 491 00:42:02,729 --> 00:42:06,989 The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate... 492 00:42:07,085 --> 00:42:10,634 so that the penis can penetrate more easily. 493 00:42:10,738 --> 00:42:12,788 Could we have a window open, please, sir? 494 00:42:12,789 --> 00:42:16,852 Yes. Harris, will you? And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect... 495 00:42:16,953 --> 00:42:21,180 and har... den. 496 00:42:21,279 --> 00:42:25,342 Now, did I do vaginal juices last week? 497 00:42:25,444 --> 00:42:29,409 Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday. Oh, watching the football, are you? 498 00:42:29,513 --> 00:42:32,615 Boy, move over there. I'm warning you. 499 00:42:32,717 --> 00:42:35,305 I may decide to set an exam this term. 500 00:42:35,409 --> 00:42:37,458 - Oh, sir! - Sir! 501 00:42:37,459 --> 00:42:39,859 So just listen. 502 00:42:41,528 --> 00:42:44,630 Now did I or did I not... 503 00:42:44,731 --> 00:42:47,669 do vaginal juices? 504 00:42:47,775 --> 00:42:49,792 Yes, sir. 505 00:42:49,793 --> 00:42:53,758 Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. 506 00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:56,263 Rubbing the clitoris, sir? 507 00:42:59,982 --> 00:43:02,985 What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? 508 00:43:03,089 --> 00:43:06,092 Why not start her off with a nice kiss? 509 00:43:06,198 --> 00:43:09,780 You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. 510 00:43:09,882 --> 00:43:12,155 Give her a kiss, boy. 511 00:43:12,157 --> 00:43:16,056 - Suck the nipple, sir? - Good, good. Well done, Wymer. 512 00:43:16,162 --> 00:43:18,718 - Uh, stroking the thighs, sir? - Yes, yes. 513 00:43:18,821 --> 00:43:20,742 - I suppose so. - Biting the neck. 514 00:43:20,743 --> 00:43:22,697 Yes, good. Nibbling the earlobe, 515 00:43:22,698 --> 00:43:25,254 uh, kneading the buttocks and so on and so forth. 516 00:43:25,357 --> 00:43:27,599 So we have all these possibilities... 517 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:31,598 before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson. 518 00:43:31,701 --> 00:43:33,846 Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. 519 00:43:33,847 --> 00:43:36,982 Now, all these forms of stimulation... 520 00:43:37,083 --> 00:43:39,483 can now take place. 521 00:43:48,008 --> 00:43:50,432 And, of course, tonguing will give you the best idea... 522 00:43:50,539 --> 00:43:54,023 of how the juices are coming along. 523 00:43:54,129 --> 00:43:57,198 Helen? Now, penetration and coitus... 524 00:43:57,300 --> 00:44:00,882 that is to say intercourse up to and including orgasm. 525 00:44:02,907 --> 00:44:07,385 Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter. 526 00:44:07,488 --> 00:44:10,491 - Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry. - Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. 527 00:44:10,596 --> 00:44:13,020 I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight. 528 00:44:13,127 --> 00:44:16,743 Yes, well, I suppose we must. I said we'd be there by 8:00. 529 00:44:16,843 --> 00:44:19,431 At least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting. 530 00:44:19,535 --> 00:44:24,756 - I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse. - It's just that I felt... 531 00:44:24,853 --> 00:44:28,239 Wymer! This is for your benefit. 532 00:44:28,346 --> 00:44:30,459 Would you kindly wake up? 533 00:44:30,460 --> 00:44:32,918 I've no intention of going through this all again. 534 00:44:43,404 --> 00:44:47,849 - Ah. We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear. - No, of course not, Humphrey. 535 00:44:47,954 --> 00:44:52,236 So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife... 536 00:44:52,343 --> 00:44:54,264 in the standard way. 537 00:44:54,266 --> 00:44:59,192 Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe, more or less fully erect. 538 00:44:59,295 --> 00:45:01,664 There we are. Ah, that's better. 539 00:45:01,666 --> 00:45:03,812 Now... Carter. 540 00:45:03,813 --> 00:45:06,213 - Yes, sir? - What is it? 541 00:45:07,658 --> 00:45:11,372 - It's an ocarina, sir. - Bring it up here. 542 00:45:11,471 --> 00:45:15,469 The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area, 543 00:45:15,572 --> 00:45:18,128 moving the penis up and down inside the vagina... 544 00:45:18,231 --> 00:45:22,097 Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table. 545 00:45:22,203 --> 00:45:25,752 ...while the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis... 546 00:45:25,856 --> 00:45:27,906 by pushing forward. 547 00:45:27,907 --> 00:45:31,326 Thank you, dear. Now, as the sexual excitement mounts... 548 00:45:31,431 --> 00:45:34,401 What's funny, Biggs? 549 00:45:34,506 --> 00:45:37,641 - Oh, nothing, sir. - Do, please, share your little joke with the rest of us. 550 00:45:37,742 --> 00:45:41,608 - I mean, obviously, something frightfully funny's going on. - No, honestly, sir. 551 00:45:41,715 --> 00:45:46,227 Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play for the boys' team... 552 00:45:46,329 --> 00:45:48,634 in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon. 553 00:45:48,636 --> 00:45:51,036 Oh, no, sir! 554 00:46:00,170 --> 00:46:02,955 Come on, Buster! 555 00:46:08,147 --> 00:46:12,756 Well played, well played. 556 00:47:42,694 --> 00:47:45,731 Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank. 557 00:47:45,834 --> 00:47:48,652 - Hordern, Spadger and I will go for the gun post. - Hang on, 68. 558 00:47:48,750 --> 00:47:51,600 - You'll never make it, sir. Let us come with you. - Do as you're told, man. 559 00:47:51,697 --> 00:47:54,220 Righto, Skipper. Oh, sir, sir? 560 00:47:54,324 --> 00:47:57,142 I- If we don't meet again, sir, 561 00:47:57,241 --> 00:48:01,337 I'd just like to say it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir. 562 00:48:01,438 --> 00:48:04,889 Yes, well, this is hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech, eh? 563 00:48:04,994 --> 00:48:09,506 Me and the lads realize that, sir, but, well, we may never meet again, so... 564 00:48:09,607 --> 00:48:12,545 - Yes, all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot. - No, just a moment, sir. 565 00:48:12,651 --> 00:48:15,589 Me and the lads, we've had a little whip-around, sir. 566 00:48:15,695 --> 00:48:18,895 We've bought you something, sir. We bought you this. 567 00:48:20,309 --> 00:48:22,995 Oh! Well, it... I don't know what to say. 568 00:48:23,096 --> 00:48:27,771 It's... It's a lovely thought. Thank you. Thank you all. 569 00:48:27,869 --> 00:48:31,069 But I think we'd better get to cover... 570 00:48:31,170 --> 00:48:35,298 We've got something else for you as well, sir. 571 00:48:35,398 --> 00:48:38,150 Sorry it's another clock, sir, only there was a bit of a mix-up. 572 00:48:38,250 --> 00:48:42,957 Walters thought he was buyin' a present, and Spadger and I had already got the other one. 573 00:48:43,056 --> 00:48:45,677 Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful. 574 00:48:47,862 --> 00:48:51,127 I think we'd better get to cover now. I'll thank you properly later on. 575 00:48:51,227 --> 00:48:55,160 Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well, sir. He didn't know about the others. 576 00:48:55,263 --> 00:48:58,398 - It's Swiss. - Well, now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. 577 00:48:58,499 --> 00:49:00,868 - Good man. - There's a card, sir. 578 00:49:00,870 --> 00:49:04,452 From all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir. 579 00:49:04,554 --> 00:49:08,005 - Thank you all. - Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs. 580 00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:11,954 Hip, hip. Hooray! 581 00:49:11,956 --> 00:49:14,708 - Hip, hip... - Blackitt! Blackitt! 582 00:49:14,806 --> 00:49:17,941 I'll be all right, sir. There's just one other thing, sir. 583 00:49:18,043 --> 00:49:20,599 - Spadger, give him the check. - Oh, yeah. 584 00:49:20,702 --> 00:49:22,783 This is really going too far. 585 00:49:22,785 --> 00:49:25,635 I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. Uh, be in number four trench. 586 00:49:25,733 --> 00:49:28,133 For Christ's sake, forget it, man. 587 00:49:29,032 --> 00:49:31,432 You shouldn't have said that, sir. 588 00:49:32,589 --> 00:49:35,942 - You've hurt his feelings. - Don't mind me, Spadge. 589 00:49:36,049 --> 00:49:40,276 Toffs is all the same. One minute, it's all please and thank you. 590 00:49:40,374 --> 00:49:43,192 - The next, they'll kick you in the teeth. - Yeah. 591 00:49:43,289 --> 00:49:46,194 - Let's not give him the cake. - I don't want any cake. 592 00:49:46,301 --> 00:49:49,338 Look. Blackitt cooked it especially for you, you bastard. 593 00:49:49,441 --> 00:49:51,362 He saved his rations for six weeks, sir. 594 00:49:51,364 --> 00:49:53,822 - I don't mean to be ungrateful. - I'll be all right... 595 00:49:53,926 --> 00:49:57,345 Blackie! Blackie! 596 00:49:57,451 --> 00:50:01,165 Look at him! He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. 597 00:50:01,263 --> 00:50:04,201 Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move, but Blackitt'd be out there, 598 00:50:04,307 --> 00:50:06,928 slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and almonds. 599 00:50:07,030 --> 00:50:11,257 I mean, you try getting butter to melt at 15 degrees below zero. 600 00:50:11,356 --> 00:50:16,031 There's love in that cake... this man's love... and this man's care and... 601 00:50:18,084 --> 00:50:21,284 - Oh, my Christ! - You bastard. 602 00:50:22,826 --> 00:50:26,310 All right, we will eat the cake. They're right. 603 00:50:26,414 --> 00:50:28,814 It's too good a cake not to eat. 604 00:50:28,817 --> 00:50:31,275 - Get the plates and knives, Walters. - Yes, sir. How many plates? 605 00:50:31,380 --> 00:50:34,100 Six. 606 00:50:34,200 --> 00:50:36,886 - Oh. Better make it five. - Tablecloth, sir? 607 00:50:36,987 --> 00:50:39,387 Yes, get the tablecloth. 608 00:50:39,422 --> 00:50:42,459 No, no, I'll get the tablecloth. 609 00:50:42,562 --> 00:50:44,483 You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern. 610 00:50:44,484 --> 00:50:46,884 And the little lamp, sir? 611 00:50:47,335 --> 00:50:49,825 Yes. Oh, and while you're at it, you'd better get a doily. 612 00:50:49,931 --> 00:50:52,803 - I'll bring two, sir, in case one gets crumpled. - Okay! 613 00:50:57,203 --> 00:51:00,305 But, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that. 614 00:51:00,408 --> 00:51:02,457 It's all very well to laugh at the military, 615 00:51:02,458 --> 00:51:04,379 but when one considers the meaning of life, 616 00:51:04,380 --> 00:51:07,831 it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. 617 00:51:07,937 --> 00:51:10,493 Without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint... 618 00:51:10,596 --> 00:51:12,901 against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies, 619 00:51:12,903 --> 00:51:16,704 then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear. 620 00:51:16,812 --> 00:51:19,979 That is why we'll always need an army. 621 00:51:20,079 --> 00:51:22,479 May God strike me down were it to be otherwise. 622 00:51:26,968 --> 00:51:29,017 Don't stand there gawping... 623 00:51:29,018 --> 00:51:31,704 like you've never seen the hand of God before! 624 00:51:31,806 --> 00:51:36,121 Now, today we're going to do marching up and down the square. 625 00:51:36,227 --> 00:51:40,422 That is, unless any of you got anything better to do. 626 00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:42,793 Well? 627 00:51:42,795 --> 00:51:44,908 Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing... 628 00:51:44,910 --> 00:51:48,875 than marchin' up and down the square? 629 00:51:50,594 --> 00:51:52,994 Yes! Atkinson. 630 00:51:54,951 --> 00:51:59,943 What would you rather be doing, Atkinson? 631 00:52:00,045 --> 00:52:03,562 Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be home with the wife and kids. 632 00:52:05,300 --> 00:52:07,381 Would you now? 633 00:52:07,382 --> 00:52:10,068 - Yes, Sarge. - Right. Off you go. 634 00:52:10,170 --> 00:52:12,594 Now... 635 00:52:12,701 --> 00:52:15,322 everybody else happy with my little plan... 636 00:52:15,424 --> 00:52:17,882 of marching up and down the square a bit? 637 00:52:17,987 --> 00:52:19,908 - Sarge? - Yes? 638 00:52:19,909 --> 00:52:22,497 - I've got a book I'd quite like to read. - Go read your book then. 639 00:52:22,601 --> 00:52:24,682 Now! 640 00:52:24,683 --> 00:52:28,811 Everybody else quite content to join in... 641 00:52:28,912 --> 00:52:31,089 with my little scheme... 642 00:52:31,091 --> 00:52:34,805 of marchin' up and down the square? 643 00:52:34,904 --> 00:52:36,825 Sarge? 644 00:52:36,826 --> 00:52:38,843 Yes, Wyclif, what is it? 645 00:52:38,845 --> 00:52:42,362 Well, I'm, uh, learning the piano. 646 00:52:42,465 --> 00:52:44,450 Learning the piano? 647 00:52:44,451 --> 00:52:46,851 - Yes, Sarge. - And I suppose... 648 00:52:46,918 --> 00:52:49,604 you want to go practice, eh? 649 00:52:49,706 --> 00:52:53,540 Marchin' up and down the square not good enough for you, eh? 650 00:52:53,646 --> 00:52:56,046 - Well... - Right! Off you go! 651 00:52:56,114 --> 00:52:58,735 Now, what about the rest of you? 652 00:53:00,279 --> 00:53:03,698 Rather be at the pictures, I suppose. 653 00:53:06,335 --> 00:53:08,608 All right! Off you go! 654 00:53:12,005 --> 00:53:13,926 Bloody army. I don't know what it's coming to. 655 00:53:13,927 --> 00:53:16,327 Right. Sergeant Major marching up and down the square. 656 00:53:16,330 --> 00:53:18,699 Left, right, left. 657 00:53:18,701 --> 00:53:22,317 Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British Army. 658 00:53:22,418 --> 00:53:24,467 - Rubbish! - Shh! 659 00:53:24,468 --> 00:53:27,340 ...And have stamped its triumph in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire. 660 00:53:28,570 --> 00:53:31,607 It is worth reminding ourselves that without war... 661 00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:34,167 there would have been little or no development... 662 00:53:34,273 --> 00:53:36,482 of small, pre-packed cheeses... 663 00:53:36,483 --> 00:53:39,333 no great leap forward in the building trade... 664 00:53:39,431 --> 00:53:43,210 no holiday camps, no drip-dry shirts... 665 00:53:43,308 --> 00:53:45,233 All these things, and other things too... 666 00:53:45,234 --> 00:53:48,309 are byproducts of war. 667 00:53:48,412 --> 00:53:51,651 But, in the great fight for these byproducts of war... 668 00:53:51,751 --> 00:53:55,658 perhaps no army has shown more courage, valour... 669 00:53:55,763 --> 00:53:58,291 and tenacity than the British Army... 670 00:53:58,396 --> 00:54:01,602 which went selflessly to the four corners of the globe... 671 00:54:01,702 --> 00:54:04,777 to defend a civilization and empire... 672 00:54:04,881 --> 00:54:07,344 a way of life that was truly... 673 00:54:07,449 --> 00:54:09,470 the greatest achievement... 674 00:54:09,471 --> 00:54:11,900 of the genius of the British people. 675 00:54:30,691 --> 00:54:33,799 But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done, 676 00:54:33,901 --> 00:54:37,710 it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class... 677 00:54:37,818 --> 00:54:40,444 that has made the British Army what it is. 678 00:55:13,821 --> 00:55:16,226 Excuse me. 679 00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:24,606 - Morning, Ainsworth. - Morning, Pakenham. 680 00:55:24,608 --> 00:55:27,913 - Sleep well? - Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though. 681 00:55:28,011 --> 00:55:30,032 Must be that hole in the bloody mosquito net. 682 00:55:30,033 --> 00:55:33,108 Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they? 683 00:55:33,211 --> 00:55:35,232 - Excuse me, sir. - Yes, Chadwick? 684 00:55:35,233 --> 00:55:37,794 I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night. 685 00:55:37,897 --> 00:55:41,453 - Well, so did we. Ha! - Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him. 686 00:55:41,557 --> 00:55:44,983 - Well, go and fetch him then. - Right you are, sir. 687 00:55:45,089 --> 00:55:47,494 Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham? 688 00:55:47,561 --> 00:55:49,966 Yes, I suppose so. 689 00:55:49,968 --> 00:55:53,361 - Here now. - Come on, boy. 690 00:56:02,264 --> 00:56:03,771 Morning, Perkins. 691 00:56:03,773 --> 00:56:06,432 - Morning, sir. - What's all the trouble, then? 692 00:56:06,534 --> 00:56:09,325 Bitten, sir. During the night. 693 00:56:09,423 --> 00:56:12,334 Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh? 694 00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:14,845 - Yes. - How's it feel? 695 00:56:14,880 --> 00:56:18,886 - Stings a bit. - Mmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it? 696 00:56:18,989 --> 00:56:22,578 That's, uh, quite a bite you've got there. 697 00:56:22,681 --> 00:56:24,734 Yes. A real beauty, isn't it? 698 00:56:24,735 --> 00:56:28,576 - Any idea how it happened? - None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. 699 00:56:28,685 --> 00:56:31,629 Woke up just now one sock too many. 700 00:56:31,734 --> 00:56:34,842 - You must have a hell of a hole in your net. - We've sent for the doctor. 701 00:56:34,944 --> 00:56:37,953 - Hardly worth it, is it? - Oh yes. Better safe than sorry. 702 00:56:38,058 --> 00:56:42,031 - Yes. Good Lord, look at this. - By Jove! That's enormous. 703 00:56:42,135 --> 00:56:45,046 - You don't think it'll come back, do you? - For more, you mean? 704 00:56:45,153 --> 00:56:47,302 Yes. You're right. We'd better get this stitched. 705 00:56:47,303 --> 00:56:49,549 - Right. - Hello, Doc! 706 00:56:49,551 --> 00:56:53,140 Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is something up? 707 00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:58,114 Yes. During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off. 708 00:56:58,219 --> 00:57:01,545 Oh, yeah. Been in the wars, have we? 709 00:57:01,653 --> 00:57:05,309 - Yes. - Any headache? Bowels all right? 710 00:57:05,410 --> 00:57:08,715 Mmm. Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? 711 00:57:10,097 --> 00:57:12,502 Yes. Yes, yes, yes. 712 00:57:12,504 --> 00:57:16,641 Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about. 713 00:57:16,741 --> 00:57:20,046 - Oh, good. - There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. 714 00:57:20,144 --> 00:57:23,000 Keep warm, plenty of rest and if you're playing football or anything, 715 00:57:23,098 --> 00:57:25,087 try and favour the other leg. 716 00:57:25,089 --> 00:57:28,394 - Oh, righto. - As right as rain in a couple of days. 717 00:57:28,492 --> 00:57:30,417 Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, Doc. 718 00:57:30,418 --> 00:57:32,406 Not at all. That's what I'm here for. 719 00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:35,963 - Any other problems I can reassure you about? - No, I'm fine. 720 00:57:36,067 --> 00:57:38,280 Jolly good. Well, must be off. 721 00:57:38,282 --> 00:57:41,608 So it'll... just grow back again, then, will it? 722 00:57:42,744 --> 00:57:44,990 Uh... 723 00:57:44,992 --> 00:57:48,100 I think I'd better come clean with you about this. 724 00:57:48,202 --> 00:57:51,628 It's, uh... It's not a virus, I'm afraid. 725 00:57:51,733 --> 00:57:55,542 You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small... 726 00:57:55,650 --> 00:57:59,076 so small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. 727 00:57:59,181 --> 00:58:03,055 What we're looking for... and this is no more than an educated guess... 728 00:58:03,162 --> 00:58:05,407 is some multi-cellular life-form... 729 00:58:05,409 --> 00:58:09,677 with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth, about 11 foot long... 730 00:58:09,775 --> 00:58:12,180 and of the genus Felis Horribilis... 731 00:58:12,183 --> 00:58:15,871 what we doctors, in fact, call a tiger. 732 00:58:15,971 --> 00:58:17,896 A tiger? 733 00:58:17,897 --> 00:58:19,822 A tiger? 734 00:58:23,226 --> 00:58:25,631 A tiger in Africa? 735 00:58:25,666 --> 00:58:28,071 A tiger in Africa! 736 00:58:29,486 --> 00:58:32,812 - Ah, well, it-it's probably escaped from a zoo. - Doesn't sound very likely to me. 737 00:58:32,922 --> 00:58:35,296 - Stumm, Stumm, Stumm. - Sir! Sir! 738 00:58:35,297 --> 00:58:38,920 - The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating. - Oh, jolly good. 739 00:58:39,020 --> 00:58:42,676 Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C-division wiped out. Signals gone. 740 00:58:42,777 --> 00:58:44,733 - Thirty men killed in F-section. - Yes, I see. 741 00:58:44,734 --> 00:58:48,488 - I should think about 150 men altogether, sir. - Jolly good. 742 00:58:48,587 --> 00:58:51,826 I haven't got the final figures, but there's a lot of seriously wounded in the compound... 743 00:58:51,926 --> 00:58:55,482 Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. 744 00:58:57,383 --> 00:59:00,042 One of the officers has lost a leg. 745 00:59:00,144 --> 00:59:02,573 - Oh, no, sir! - I'm afraid so. 746 00:59:02,680 --> 00:59:05,175 - Probably a tiger. - In Africa? 747 00:59:05,280 --> 00:59:07,906 The M.O. Says we can stitch it back on... 748 00:59:08,009 --> 00:59:10,126 if we can find it immediately. 749 00:59:10,128 --> 00:59:14,451 - Right, sir. I'll organize a party. - It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant. 750 00:59:14,558 --> 00:59:18,794 - A search party. - Ah, ah, ah! Much better idea. 751 00:59:23,161 --> 00:59:26,970 Sorry about the mess, sir. We'll try and get it cleared up by the time you get back. 752 00:59:27,078 --> 00:59:29,163 - We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? - Yes. 753 00:59:29,165 --> 00:59:31,570 Here. We got a search party. Leave that alone. 754 00:59:31,572 --> 00:59:35,358 - All this killing, bloodshed... Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it? - Yes, very good. 755 00:59:35,457 --> 00:59:37,886 - Morning, sir. - Nasty wound you've got there, fella. 756 00:59:37,993 --> 00:59:40,398 Thank you very much, sir. 757 00:59:40,401 --> 00:59:42,806 Come on, Private. Making up a search party. 758 00:59:44,735 --> 00:59:48,806 Better than staying home, isn't it? I mean, at home if you kill someone, they arrest you. 759 00:59:48,908 --> 00:59:51,534 Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do, sir. 760 00:59:51,637 --> 00:59:56,190 I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me. 761 00:59:56,292 --> 00:59:58,697 Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir. 762 01:00:13,049 --> 01:00:15,166 Ahem. 763 01:00:15,168 --> 01:00:18,079 Sorry, sir. Thank you, Sergeant Major. 764 01:00:18,186 --> 01:00:20,591 Mm-hmm. 765 01:00:34,847 --> 01:00:37,252 Look! 766 01:00:38,442 --> 01:00:40,847 My God! It's huge! 767 01:00:49,999 --> 01:00:52,494 Uh, don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. 768 01:00:54,012 --> 01:00:56,258 Uh, we were just, um... 769 01:00:56,260 --> 01:00:58,665 Why are you dressed as a tiger? 770 01:00:58,731 --> 01:01:02,572 Hmm? Oh, why, why, why? 771 01:01:02,680 --> 01:01:04,573 Ha! Isn't it a lovely day today? 772 01:01:04,574 --> 01:01:07,748 - Answer the question. - Oh, we were just... 773 01:01:07,848 --> 01:01:11,372 Well, actually, we're dressed like this because... 774 01:01:12,438 --> 01:01:14,363 Oh, no, that's not it. 775 01:01:14,365 --> 01:01:16,794 Oh, we did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits. 776 01:01:16,901 --> 01:01:19,944 - Simple as that. - Nothing more to it. 777 01:01:20,047 --> 01:01:22,870 Well, actually, we're on a mission for British Intelligence. 778 01:01:22,969 --> 01:01:25,464 There's a pro-czarist Ashanti chief... 779 01:01:25,568 --> 01:01:27,493 - No, no, no, no. - Uh, no, no, no, no. 780 01:01:27,495 --> 01:01:29,677 No, no, no, no. We're doing it for an advertisement. 781 01:01:29,678 --> 01:01:31,989 Ah, that's it. Forget about the Russians. 782 01:01:31,990 --> 01:01:34,485 Uh, we're doing an advert for Tiger Brand Coffee. 783 01:01:34,589 --> 01:01:38,562 "Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat. " 784 01:01:38,667 --> 01:01:41,130 - Now, look... - All right, all right. 785 01:01:41,235 --> 01:01:44,179 We are dressed as a tiger because he had an auntie who did it in 1839... 786 01:01:44,285 --> 01:01:47,294 - ... and this is her 50th anniversary. - No. We're doing it for a bet. 787 01:01:47,399 --> 01:01:51,120 - God told us to do it. - To tell the truth, we are completely mad. 788 01:01:51,218 --> 01:01:53,593 We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution, 789 01:01:53,595 --> 01:01:58,082 and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets. 790 01:01:58,185 --> 01:02:00,495 - It doesn't matter! - What? 791 01:02:00,496 --> 01:02:05,465 It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. Have they got my leg? 792 01:02:05,568 --> 01:02:08,129 Good thinking. Well, have you? 793 01:02:08,234 --> 01:02:10,639 - Actually... - Yes? 794 01:02:10,639 --> 01:02:12,633 We were thinking of training as taxidermists. 795 01:02:12,633 --> 01:02:15,434 - We wanted to get the feel of it from the animal's point of view. - Be quiet! 796 01:02:15,533 --> 01:02:20,387 Now look, we're just asking you if you've got this man's leg. 797 01:02:20,496 --> 01:02:22,967 - A wooden leg? - No, no, a proper leg. 798 01:02:23,073 --> 01:02:28,444 He was fast asleep, and someone... or something... came in and removed it. 799 01:02:28,550 --> 01:02:31,285 Without waking him up? 800 01:02:32,450 --> 01:02:34,863 - Yes. - I don't believe you. 801 01:02:34,898 --> 01:02:37,500 We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo. 802 01:02:37,605 --> 01:02:40,042 - The owner wanted it taken to Dar Es Salaam... - Shut up! 803 01:02:40,150 --> 01:02:43,786 Now look, have you or have you not got his leg? 804 01:02:43,888 --> 01:02:47,556 - Yes. - No. No, no, no, no. 805 01:02:49,333 --> 01:02:51,804 - Why did you say yes? - I didn't. 806 01:02:51,911 --> 01:02:54,324 I'm not talking to you. 807 01:02:55,456 --> 01:03:00,157 Um... um... Hmm. 808 01:03:00,256 --> 01:03:02,284 Right. Search the thicket. 809 01:03:02,286 --> 01:03:06,987 Oh, come on. Do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night, 810 01:03:07,088 --> 01:03:09,889 steal into someone's tent, anaesthetize them, tissue-type them, 811 01:03:09,988 --> 01:03:12,209 amputate a leg and run away with it? 812 01:03:12,211 --> 01:03:14,303 Search the thicket. 813 01:03:14,305 --> 01:03:16,941 Oh, leg! You're looking for a leg! 814 01:03:17,044 --> 01:03:19,298 Actually, I think there is one there somewhere. 815 01:03:19,300 --> 01:03:22,738 Somebody must have abandoned it here, knowing you were coming after it. 816 01:03:22,844 --> 01:03:25,963 We stumbled across it, actually. They'll be miles away by now. 817 01:03:26,067 --> 01:03:29,351 We'll have to take all the blame. 818 01:03:29,450 --> 01:03:33,390 Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film. 819 01:03:40,307 --> 01:03:42,781 Hello, and welcome to The Middle of the Film, 820 01:03:42,887 --> 01:03:47,055 the moment where we take a break to invite you, the audience, to join us, the filmmakers, 821 01:03:47,153 --> 01:03:49,822 in "Find the Fish. " 822 01:03:49,924 --> 01:03:52,308 We're going to show you a scene from another film... 823 01:03:52,375 --> 01:03:54,979 and ask you to guess where the fish is. 824 01:03:55,082 --> 01:03:57,686 But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves. 825 01:03:57,789 --> 01:04:02,782 Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you. So here we are with "Find the Fish. " 826 01:04:12,276 --> 01:04:15,901 I wonder where that fish has gone. 827 01:04:16,002 --> 01:04:17,911 You did love it so. 828 01:04:17,912 --> 01:04:20,766 You looked after it like a son. 829 01:04:20,874 --> 01:04:24,977 And it went wherever I did go. 830 01:04:25,077 --> 01:04:28,507 - Is it in the cupboard? - Yes! No! 831 01:04:28,611 --> 01:04:32,714 Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish. 832 01:04:32,815 --> 01:04:37,396 And it went wherever I did go. 833 01:04:37,496 --> 01:04:41,631 - It's behind the sofa! - Where can that fish be? 834 01:04:41,731 --> 01:04:44,115 Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau? 835 01:04:44,119 --> 01:04:47,038 It is a most elusive fish. 836 01:04:47,144 --> 01:04:51,117 And it went wherever I did go. 837 01:04:51,220 --> 01:04:55,160 Oh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. 838 01:04:55,263 --> 01:04:59,616 Uh, fish, uh, fish, uh, fishy, ohh! 839 01:04:59,722 --> 01:05:04,400 Ohhh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! 840 01:05:04,498 --> 01:05:08,471 That went wherever I did go. 841 01:05:08,574 --> 01:05:11,906 - Look up his trunk! - Yeah! It's in his trousers! 842 01:05:12,012 --> 01:05:14,366 - That was terrific! - Great! Yeah! 843 01:05:14,368 --> 01:05:17,766 - Best bit so far. - Fantastic! Really great! 844 01:05:17,872 --> 01:05:20,256 Really risky, yeah. 845 01:05:23,379 --> 01:05:26,874 They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they? 846 01:05:26,978 --> 01:05:29,362 - Well, it's been building up to it. - Has it? 847 01:05:29,397 --> 01:05:32,164 Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now. 848 01:05:32,264 --> 01:05:36,497 Personally, I doubt they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all. 849 01:05:36,594 --> 01:05:39,448 - Oh, come on. They've gotta say something. - They're bound to. 850 01:05:39,556 --> 01:05:41,940 Yeah. 851 01:05:44,301 --> 01:05:47,253 - What do you think the next bit will be? - Caption, I expect. 852 01:05:47,357 --> 01:05:49,741 What, about the next stage of life, you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go. 853 01:06:17,653 --> 01:06:19,562 Oh, gee. 854 01:06:19,564 --> 01:06:21,823 Wow. 855 01:06:21,825 --> 01:06:23,702 What a wonderful room. 856 01:06:23,704 --> 01:06:26,504 Right. Real homey. 857 01:06:26,601 --> 01:06:28,985 Yeah. 858 01:06:30,581 --> 01:06:33,413 Could we have our cases down here, please, Ricky? 859 01:06:42,490 --> 01:06:44,874 - Cheapskate. - Thank you. 860 01:06:48,253 --> 01:06:50,760 - Isn't he cute? - Sure is. 861 01:06:58,507 --> 01:07:00,901 Look at this, darling. 862 01:07:03,782 --> 01:07:06,331 That's wonderful. 863 01:07:06,434 --> 01:07:08,031 I love snowscapes. 864 01:07:08,034 --> 01:07:10,428 - Me too. - Me too. 865 01:07:10,782 --> 01:07:13,331 Well, guess I could use a bath... 866 01:07:13,435 --> 01:07:16,278 and freshen up a little. 867 01:07:16,376 --> 01:07:18,452 Then maybe we could go explore. 868 01:07:18,454 --> 01:07:20,562 That's a real good idea. 869 01:07:20,564 --> 01:07:23,277 I'm gonna just empty out the contents of my bag... 870 01:07:23,378 --> 01:07:25,486 and have a look through them, okay? 871 01:07:25,487 --> 01:07:27,881 Yeah. Great idea. 872 01:07:28,876 --> 01:07:31,270 Great. 873 01:07:40,128 --> 01:07:41,820 - Feeling better, honey? - Yeah. 874 01:07:41,822 --> 01:07:43,035 That's good. 875 01:07:43,037 --> 01:07:45,880 Well, what's in your handbag today, honey? 876 01:07:45,978 --> 01:07:47,894 Oh, just the usual thing. 877 01:07:47,896 --> 01:07:49,908 Powder case, lipstick... 878 01:07:49,910 --> 01:07:52,328 some packets of gum, hairbrush... 879 01:07:52,436 --> 01:07:54,448 diary, 38 tampons... 880 01:07:54,449 --> 01:07:56,269 Thirty-eight tampons? 881 01:07:56,272 --> 01:07:58,456 I was just signing my name in... 882 01:07:58,457 --> 01:08:00,864 and the girl said to me, "How old are you?" 883 01:08:00,964 --> 01:08:03,020 And I said, "I'm 46." 884 01:08:03,022 --> 01:08:05,302 And she said, "Are you still menstruating?" 885 01:08:05,305 --> 01:08:07,712 - And I said, "Sure. " - Right. 886 01:08:07,780 --> 01:08:10,727 So she gave me a couple of these little boxes... 887 01:08:10,833 --> 01:08:12,888 courtesy of the Super Inn. 888 01:08:12,891 --> 01:08:15,269 Aren't they cute? 889 01:08:15,271 --> 01:08:18,416 "Have a nice month. " Oh, that's real good. 890 01:08:18,518 --> 01:08:21,761 - I really love this hotel, Marvin. - Me too. 891 01:08:27,486 --> 01:08:29,893 Oh, that's much better. 892 01:08:30,058 --> 01:08:31,824 Thank you, honey. 893 01:08:31,826 --> 01:08:34,488 Everything was a little bit misty before. 894 01:08:35,844 --> 01:08:38,158 Hi. How are you? 895 01:08:38,160 --> 01:08:40,592 - Oh, we're just fine. - That's good. 896 01:08:40,699 --> 01:08:42,947 How's the cholera problem coming on? 897 01:08:42,948 --> 01:08:44,812 Just fine. I think we got it licked. 898 01:08:44,814 --> 01:08:48,760 Oh, that's great. It's a real nasty thing to have happen in a hotel. 899 01:08:48,864 --> 01:08:51,493 Right. Cholera is no fun. 900 01:08:51,597 --> 01:08:53,589 Did you know in the 19th century... 901 01:08:53,590 --> 01:08:57,436 cholera accounted for over 12 million deaths in Europe alone? 902 01:08:57,544 --> 01:08:59,021 - Is that so? - Right. 903 01:08:59,023 --> 01:09:01,367 So you can see how keen we are to get it around here. 904 01:09:01,369 --> 01:09:04,514 Right now we need cholera like a hole in the head. 905 01:09:04,616 --> 01:09:06,446 Right. 906 01:09:06,448 --> 01:09:09,242 So, what kind of food would you like to eat tonight? 907 01:09:09,342 --> 01:09:11,873 Well, we sort of like pineapple. 908 01:09:11,977 --> 01:09:14,322 Yes, we love pineapples. 909 01:09:14,325 --> 01:09:16,541 Anything with pineapple in's great for us. 910 01:09:16,543 --> 01:09:18,888 Well, why not the dungeon room? 911 01:09:18,889 --> 01:09:20,881 Oh, that sounds fine. 912 01:09:20,882 --> 01:09:22,809 Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food... 913 01:09:22,812 --> 01:09:26,758 served in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere. 914 01:09:26,862 --> 01:09:29,269 Oh, it sounds wonderful. 915 01:09:34,191 --> 01:09:37,204 Hello, I'm Diana. I'm your waitress for tonight. 916 01:09:37,309 --> 01:09:38,819 Where're you from? 917 01:09:38,821 --> 01:09:41,680 - We're from room 259. - Where are you from? 918 01:09:41,778 --> 01:09:44,185 - I'm from out those doors over there. - Oh. 919 01:09:44,221 --> 01:09:45,344 Great. 920 01:09:45,347 --> 01:09:46,856 - Ice water? - Thank you. 921 01:09:46,857 --> 01:09:48,687 - Coffee? - Thank you very much. 922 01:09:48,690 --> 01:09:51,122 - Ketchup? - Oh, lovely. Real nice. 923 01:09:51,230 --> 01:09:53,761 - TV? - Oh, that's fine. 924 01:09:53,866 --> 01:09:55,375 - That's swell. - Yeah. 925 01:09:55,377 --> 01:09:57,498 - Telephone. - A telephone? 926 01:09:57,499 --> 01:09:59,906 You can phone any other table in the restaurant after 6:00. 927 01:09:59,941 --> 01:10:01,643 Oh, that's great. 928 01:10:01,646 --> 01:10:03,155 - Some choice. - Yeah, right. 929 01:10:03,156 --> 01:10:05,884 Okay. Do you want any food with your meal? 930 01:10:05,984 --> 01:10:08,329 Well, what do you have? 931 01:10:08,332 --> 01:10:11,279 Well, we have things shaped like this in green... 932 01:10:11,386 --> 01:10:13,793 or things shaped like that in brown. 933 01:10:13,957 --> 01:10:16,364 What do you think, darling? 934 01:10:16,369 --> 01:10:18,361 Well, it is our anniversary, Marvin. 935 01:10:18,363 --> 01:10:20,643 Yeah, what the hell. We'll have a couple of things... 936 01:10:20,645 --> 01:10:23,052 shaped like that in brown, please. 937 01:10:23,570 --> 01:10:25,977 Okay, fine. Thank you, sir. 938 01:10:25,980 --> 01:10:28,927 Two brown. Number 259. 939 01:10:29,035 --> 01:10:31,442 And will you be having intercourse tonight? 940 01:10:32,057 --> 01:10:34,464 Do we have to decide now? 941 01:10:35,818 --> 01:10:37,519 Sounds a good idea, honey. 942 01:10:37,521 --> 01:10:39,801 I mean, it sounds swell. 943 01:10:39,804 --> 01:10:41,731 Why not? 944 01:10:41,733 --> 01:10:44,943 Yeah, right. Could be fun. 945 01:10:45,044 --> 01:10:48,189 Compliments of the Super Inn. Have a nice fuck. 946 01:10:48,291 --> 01:10:50,698 - Oh, thank you. - You're welcome. 947 01:10:50,895 --> 01:10:53,302 "Super Inn Skins. " 948 01:11:07,660 --> 01:11:10,067 Isn't this nice? How are ya? 949 01:11:11,839 --> 01:11:14,886 - Take a little Kodak. - Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. 950 01:11:28,941 --> 01:11:31,988 Good evening. Uh, would you care for something to talk about? 951 01:11:32,091 --> 01:11:34,018 Oh, that would be wonderful. 952 01:11:34,021 --> 01:11:36,428 Our special tonight is minorities. 953 01:11:36,432 --> 01:11:38,552 Oh, that sounds real interesting. 954 01:11:38,553 --> 01:11:41,917 - What's this conversation here? - That's, uh, football. 955 01:11:42,025 --> 01:11:44,370 You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday... 956 01:11:44,371 --> 01:11:47,581 or you could reminisce about really great World Series. 957 01:11:47,683 --> 01:11:50,060 No, no, no. What is this one here? 958 01:11:50,062 --> 01:11:53,656 - Ah, that's philosophy. - Is that a sport? 959 01:11:53,759 --> 01:11:56,225 Ah, no, it's more of an attempt... 960 01:11:56,331 --> 01:12:00,089 to construct a viable hypothesis to explain the meaning of life. 961 01:12:00,189 --> 01:12:03,136 - What was that? - What's he saying? 962 01:12:03,242 --> 01:12:07,769 Oh, that sounds wonderful. Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling? 963 01:12:07,872 --> 01:12:09,992 Sure. Why not? 964 01:12:09,993 --> 01:12:12,114 - Philosophy for two? - Right. 965 01:12:12,115 --> 01:12:14,042 - Room? - 259. 966 01:12:14,044 --> 01:12:18,954 - 259. - Yeah. Uh, uh, how do we... 967 01:12:19,059 --> 01:12:22,686 - Oh, you folks want me to start you off? - We'd appreciate that. 968 01:12:22,788 --> 01:12:25,965 Okay! Well, uh, look. 969 01:12:26,067 --> 01:12:29,114 Have you ever wondered just why you're here? 970 01:12:30,986 --> 01:12:33,933 Well, we went to Miami last year and California the year before... 971 01:12:34,040 --> 01:12:37,502 No, no, no. I mean, uh, why we're here, on this planet. 972 01:12:39,504 --> 01:12:41,431 Mmm, no. 973 01:12:41,433 --> 01:12:45,992 Right. Ah, you ever wanted to know what it's all about? 974 01:12:46,094 --> 01:12:47,924 Nope. 975 01:12:47,927 --> 01:12:50,808 Righty-ho! Uh, well, uh, 976 01:12:50,917 --> 01:12:53,612 see, throughout history, there've been certain men and women... 977 01:12:53,713 --> 01:12:57,724 who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence. 978 01:12:57,829 --> 01:13:00,710 - Great! - And we call these guys philosophers. 979 01:13:00,818 --> 01:13:03,034 - Oh! - And that's what we're talking about. 980 01:13:03,036 --> 01:13:05,316 - Right! - Oh, that's neat. 981 01:13:05,319 --> 01:13:09,362 Well, you look you're getting the idea, so why don't I give you these conversation cards. 982 01:13:09,466 --> 01:13:13,795 They'll tell you a little about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers. 983 01:13:13,902 --> 01:13:18,297 - There you are. Have a nice conversation. - Oh, thank you very much. 984 01:13:18,403 --> 01:13:21,350 - He's cute. - Yeah, real understanding. 985 01:13:21,456 --> 01:13:25,598 Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher. 986 01:13:27,146 --> 01:13:31,157 Oh, yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S." 987 01:13:32,804 --> 01:13:35,211 Oh. 988 01:13:36,180 --> 01:13:39,019 Um, like Nietzsche. 989 01:13:40,394 --> 01:13:42,785 Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"? 990 01:13:44,320 --> 01:13:46,866 Uh, there's an "S" in "Nietzsche. " 991 01:13:48,438 --> 01:13:51,364 Oh, well, yes, there is. 992 01:13:51,471 --> 01:13:53,704 Do all philosophers have an "S" in them? 993 01:13:53,706 --> 01:13:56,513 Uh, yeah. I think most of them do. 994 01:13:56,611 --> 01:14:00,975 Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher? 995 01:14:01,079 --> 01:14:04,299 Yeah! Right! She could be. 996 01:14:04,400 --> 01:14:06,472 She sings about the meaning of life. 997 01:14:06,474 --> 01:14:11,163 Yeah. That's right, but I don't think she writes her own material. 998 01:14:11,262 --> 01:14:15,146 No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer writes her material. 999 01:14:15,253 --> 01:14:18,027 No. Burt Bacharach writes it. 1000 01:14:18,126 --> 01:14:20,835 There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach. " 1001 01:14:20,936 --> 01:14:23,169 Or in "Hal David. " 1002 01:14:23,170 --> 01:14:25,684 Who's Hal David? 1003 01:14:25,788 --> 01:14:29,041 He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes. 1004 01:14:29,140 --> 01:14:32,546 Only now, he's married to Carol Bayer Sager. 1005 01:14:35,205 --> 01:14:38,458 Uh, waiter? This conversation isn't very good. 1006 01:14:38,557 --> 01:14:43,433 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Ah, we do have one today that's not on the menu. 1007 01:14:43,537 --> 01:14:47,356 It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? Live organ transplants. 1008 01:14:48,676 --> 01:14:51,067 Live organ transplants? What's that? 1009 01:14:58,126 --> 01:15:02,010 Don't worry, dear. I'll get it. 1010 01:15:09,235 --> 01:15:12,455 - Yes? - Hello. Uh, can we have your liver? 1011 01:15:12,554 --> 01:15:14,945 - My what? - Your liver. 1012 01:15:14,949 --> 01:15:18,584 It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen. 1013 01:15:19,929 --> 01:15:22,671 You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of... 1014 01:15:22,771 --> 01:15:26,623 Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it. 1015 01:15:28,357 --> 01:15:32,818 - Come on, sir. Don't muck us about. - Hey, hey, hey! 1016 01:15:32,922 --> 01:15:35,313 Hello! 1017 01:15:36,434 --> 01:15:38,849 - What's this, then? - A liver donor's card. 1018 01:15:38,956 --> 01:15:40,965 - Need we say more? - No. 1019 01:15:40,966 --> 01:15:44,568 Listen, I can't give it you now. It says "in the event of death. " 1020 01:15:44,669 --> 01:15:49,358 No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived. 1021 01:15:49,457 --> 01:15:51,872 Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute. 1022 01:16:05,419 --> 01:16:09,054 - Here. What's going on? - He's donating his liver, madam. 1023 01:16:09,153 --> 01:16:13,201 Is this because he took out one of those silly cards? 1024 01:16:13,303 --> 01:16:16,077 - That's right, madam. - Typical of him. 1025 01:16:16,177 --> 01:16:18,346 He goes down to the public library, 1026 01:16:18,348 --> 01:16:20,262 sees a few signs up, 1027 01:16:20,263 --> 01:16:22,654 comes home all full of good intentions. 1028 01:16:22,658 --> 01:16:26,423 He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing. 1029 01:16:30,542 --> 01:16:33,056 What do you do with them all, anyway? 1030 01:16:33,160 --> 01:16:35,329 They all go to saving lives, madam. 1031 01:16:35,330 --> 01:16:37,244 That's what he used to say. 1032 01:16:37,246 --> 01:16:39,543 "It's all for the good of the country," he used to say. 1033 01:16:39,546 --> 01:16:43,430 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 1034 01:16:43,534 --> 01:16:46,395 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 1035 01:16:46,503 --> 01:16:50,322 I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just doing our jobs, you know? 1036 01:16:50,431 --> 01:16:54,381 You're not doctors, then? 1037 01:16:54,485 --> 01:16:56,558 Oh, blimey, no. 1038 01:16:56,559 --> 01:17:00,030 Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. 1039 01:17:00,135 --> 01:17:02,526 - I'll see you about 7:00? - Righto, son. 1040 01:17:02,625 --> 01:17:05,016 Look after yourself. 1041 01:17:08,850 --> 01:17:12,485 You, uh, fancy a cup of tea? 1042 01:17:12,585 --> 01:17:15,511 Oh, well, that'd be very nice. Thank you. 1043 01:17:15,617 --> 01:17:18,008 Thank you very much, madam. 1044 01:17:18,650 --> 01:17:21,041 I thought she'd never ask. 1045 01:17:25,610 --> 01:17:27,746 Uh, you do realize... 1046 01:17:27,748 --> 01:17:32,591 he has to be, uh, well, dead by the terms of the card... 1047 01:17:32,696 --> 01:17:34,610 before he donates his liver. 1048 01:17:34,611 --> 01:17:38,724 Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man. 1049 01:17:38,825 --> 01:17:41,216 I mean, I was wonderin', uh... 1050 01:17:41,315 --> 01:17:43,958 Well, you know, what you was thinkin' of doin' after that. 1051 01:17:44,061 --> 01:17:47,020 I mean... Will you stay on your own? 1052 01:17:47,125 --> 01:17:51,238 Or is there, well, someone else, sort of... 1053 01:17:52,808 --> 01:17:54,722 on the horizon? 1054 01:17:54,723 --> 01:17:58,129 I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime. 1055 01:17:58,234 --> 01:18:01,901 Not at all. Very attractive woman. 1056 01:18:02,002 --> 01:18:05,309 Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again. 1057 01:18:06,885 --> 01:18:09,276 - Sure? - Sure. 1058 01:18:16,623 --> 01:18:20,225 - Can we have your liver then? - I would be scared. 1059 01:18:20,325 --> 01:18:22,716 All right. 1060 01:18:23,198 --> 01:18:25,462 I'll tell you what. 1061 01:18:25,465 --> 01:18:28,162 Listen to this. 1062 01:18:28,164 --> 01:18:31,460 * Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown, * 1063 01:18:31,568 --> 01:18:34,864 * and things seem hard or tough... * 1064 01:18:34,973 --> 01:18:39,518 * and people are stupid, obnoxious or daft... * 1065 01:18:39,617 --> 01:18:42,284 * And you feel that you've had * 1066 01:18:42,385 --> 01:18:46,387 * Quite enough * 1067 01:18:48,302 --> 01:18:51,664 * Just remember that you're standing * 1068 01:18:51,770 --> 01:18:53,996 * On a planet that's evolving * 1069 01:18:53,997 --> 01:18:57,619 * And revolving at 900 miles an hour * 1070 01:18:57,720 --> 01:19:01,526 * It's orbiting at 19 miles a second so it's reckoned * 1071 01:19:01,633 --> 01:19:05,504 * A sun that is the source of all our power * 1072 01:19:05,609 --> 01:19:08,905 * The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see * 1073 01:19:09,013 --> 01:19:12,667 * Are moving at a million miles a day * 1074 01:19:12,768 --> 01:19:16,639 * In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour * 1075 01:19:16,744 --> 01:19:19,314 * Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way * 1076 01:19:28,038 --> 01:19:31,660 * Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars * 1077 01:19:31,761 --> 01:19:35,567 * It's a hundred thousand light years side to side * 1078 01:19:35,673 --> 01:19:38,915 * It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick * 1079 01:19:39,014 --> 01:19:43,049 * But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide * 1080 01:19:43,149 --> 01:19:46,640 * We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point * 1081 01:19:46,745 --> 01:19:50,399 * We go round every 200 million years * 1082 01:19:50,500 --> 01:19:54,056 * And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions * 1083 01:19:54,157 --> 01:19:57,909 * In this amazing and expanding universe * 1084 01:20:28,677 --> 01:20:32,516 * The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding * 1085 01:20:32,622 --> 01:20:36,211 * In all of the directions it can whizz * 1086 01:20:36,312 --> 01:20:39,934 * As fast as it can go the speed of light you know * 1087 01:20:40,034 --> 01:20:43,330 * Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is * 1088 01:20:43,438 --> 01:20:47,244 * So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure * 1089 01:20:47,352 --> 01:20:51,071 * How amazingly unlikely is your birth * 1090 01:20:51,169 --> 01:20:54,791 * And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space * 1091 01:20:54,892 --> 01:20:57,641 * 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth. * 1092 01:21:03,054 --> 01:21:05,737 Makes you feel so... sort of insignificant, doesn't it? 1093 01:21:05,838 --> 01:21:08,235 Yeah. Yeah. 1094 01:21:08,814 --> 01:21:12,392 Can we have your liver, then? 1095 01:21:12,495 --> 01:21:14,892 - Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. - Eric! 1096 01:21:23,409 --> 01:21:26,507 Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization... 1097 01:21:26,611 --> 01:21:30,473 of just how much there is still left to own. 1098 01:21:30,579 --> 01:21:35,401 Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life. " 1099 01:21:37,461 --> 01:21:40,079 Now, uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this. 1100 01:21:40,182 --> 01:21:43,051 I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, 1101 01:21:43,157 --> 01:21:48,394 and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. 1102 01:21:48,503 --> 01:21:51,601 One: People are not wearing enough hats. 1103 01:21:51,704 --> 01:21:54,322 Two: Matter is energy. 1104 01:21:54,424 --> 01:21:59,313 In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. 1105 01:21:59,418 --> 01:22:01,815 Some energies have a spiritual source... 1106 01:22:01,818 --> 01:22:04,501 which act upon a person's soul. 1107 01:22:04,603 --> 01:22:08,181 However, this soul does not exist ab initio... 1108 01:22:08,284 --> 01:22:11,153 as orthodox Christianity teaches. 1109 01:22:11,261 --> 01:22:13,404 It has to be brought into existence... 1110 01:22:13,405 --> 01:22:17,202 by a process of guided self-observation. 1111 01:22:17,310 --> 01:22:20,473 However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability... 1112 01:22:20,575 --> 01:22:24,634 to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. 1113 01:22:28,768 --> 01:22:31,165 What was that about hats again? 1114 01:22:32,449 --> 01:22:35,448 - Oh, people aren't wearing enough. - Is this true? 1115 01:22:35,553 --> 01:22:39,382 Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu, as our research... 1116 01:22:39,490 --> 01:22:41,911 When you say "enough," enough for what purpose? 1117 01:22:42,019 --> 01:22:44,572 Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, 1118 01:22:44,676 --> 01:22:49,018 when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... 1119 01:22:51,237 --> 01:22:53,634 Has anyone noticed that building there before? 1120 01:22:55,782 --> 01:22:58,432 - What? - Good Lord! 1121 01:23:17,739 --> 01:23:19,658 Good Lord! 1122 01:23:19,659 --> 01:23:23,041 The Crimson Permanent Assurance! 1123 01:23:25,260 --> 01:23:28,107 We interrupt this film to apologize for this unwarranted attack... 1124 01:23:28,206 --> 01:23:30,220 by the supporting feature. 1125 01:23:30,222 --> 01:23:32,204 Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality... 1126 01:23:32,205 --> 01:23:34,348 and are now taking steps to remedy it. 1127 01:23:34,351 --> 01:23:36,748 Thank you. 1128 01:23:41,745 --> 01:23:44,200 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1129 01:23:44,305 --> 01:23:47,304 Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. 1130 01:23:47,410 --> 01:23:50,191 * Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis * 1131 01:23:50,290 --> 01:23:53,105 * Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong * 1132 01:23:53,203 --> 01:23:55,952 * It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick * 1133 01:23:56,052 --> 01:23:59,467 * From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick * 1134 01:23:59,572 --> 01:24:02,768 * So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas * 1135 01:24:02,870 --> 01:24:05,739 * Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake * 1136 01:24:05,846 --> 01:24:09,621 * Your piece of pork your wife's best friend your percy or your cock * 1137 01:24:09,718 --> 01:24:12,914 * You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock * 1138 01:24:13,015 --> 01:24:15,862 * But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock * 1139 01:24:15,960 --> 01:24:18,327 * And you won't come back ** 1140 01:24:18,329 --> 01:24:20,726 Thank you very much. 1141 01:24:21,561 --> 01:24:23,958 Oh, what a frightfully witty song. 1142 01:24:23,994 --> 01:24:26,391 So clever. 1143 01:24:28,058 --> 01:24:30,479 - Jolly good. - Marvellous. 1144 01:24:37,757 --> 01:24:40,154 Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote! 1145 01:24:57,985 --> 01:25:01,301 - Ah, good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? - Better. 1146 01:25:01,410 --> 01:25:04,476 - Better? - Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up. 1147 01:25:04,579 --> 01:25:07,448 Uh, Gaston? A bucket for monsieur. 1148 01:25:10,693 --> 01:25:13,090 There we are, monsieur. 1149 01:25:27,688 --> 01:25:29,895 - Merci, Gaston. - I haven't finished. 1150 01:25:29,897 --> 01:25:31,751 Oh, pardon! Gaston? 1151 01:25:31,753 --> 01:25:33,831 A thousand pardons, monsieur. 1152 01:25:33,834 --> 01:25:37,958 Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favourite: The jugged hare. 1153 01:25:38,058 --> 01:25:40,136 The hare is very high, 1154 01:25:40,139 --> 01:25:42,626 and the sauce is very rich, 1155 01:25:42,732 --> 01:25:47,205 with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream. 1156 01:25:47,309 --> 01:25:49,730 - Thank you, Gaston. - There's still more. 1157 01:25:49,837 --> 01:25:52,234 Ah. Allow me. 1158 01:25:53,422 --> 01:25:55,819 A new bucket for monsieur. 1159 01:25:59,214 --> 01:26:01,611 And the cleaning woman. 1160 01:26:03,376 --> 01:26:06,223 Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif... 1161 01:26:06,321 --> 01:26:08,718 or would he prefer to order straightaway? 1162 01:26:09,841 --> 01:26:13,550 Today, we have for appetizers... excuse me... 1163 01:26:15,603 --> 01:26:18,865 uh, moules marinieres, pate de foie gras, beluga caviar, 1164 01:26:18,964 --> 01:26:22,411 eggs Benedictine, tarte de poireaux... that's leek tart... 1165 01:26:22,515 --> 01:26:26,257 frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd... 1166 01:26:26,357 --> 01:26:30,318 C'est a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pureed mushrooms. 1167 01:26:30,421 --> 01:26:32,340 It's very delicate, very succulent. 1168 01:26:32,343 --> 01:26:35,026 I'll have the lot. 1169 01:26:35,127 --> 01:26:38,902 A wise choice, monsieur. And now, how would you like it served? 1170 01:26:38,999 --> 01:26:41,396 All, uh, mixed up together in a bucket? 1171 01:26:41,464 --> 01:26:43,383 Yeah. With the eggs on top. 1172 01:26:43,384 --> 01:26:46,865 - But of course. Avec les oeufs frites. - Don't skimp on the pate. 1173 01:26:46,970 --> 01:26:50,548 Oh, monsieur, I assure you: Just because it is mixed up with all the other things, 1174 01:26:50,651 --> 01:26:52,921 we would not dream of giving you less than the full amount. 1175 01:26:52,923 --> 01:26:56,982 In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. 1176 01:26:57,083 --> 01:27:00,246 Maintenant, quelque chose a boire. Something to drink, monsieur? 1177 01:27:00,348 --> 01:27:03,382 Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Chateau Latour '45... 1178 01:27:03,486 --> 01:27:06,420 - '45. - And a double Jeroboam of champagne. 1179 01:27:06,526 --> 01:27:08,923 Bon. And the usual brown ales? 1180 01:27:08,991 --> 01:27:12,667 Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today. 1181 01:27:12,767 --> 01:27:17,208 I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night. 1182 01:27:17,312 --> 01:27:19,295 - Shut up! - D'accord. 1183 01:27:19,297 --> 01:27:22,395 Ah! The new bucket and the cleaning woman. 1184 01:27:29,156 --> 01:27:31,075 Is there something wrong with the food? 1185 01:27:31,076 --> 01:27:32,995 No, the food was excellent. 1186 01:27:32,996 --> 01:27:36,159 - Perhaps you're not happy with the service? - No, no complaints. 1187 01:27:36,260 --> 01:27:39,609 It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period. 1188 01:27:40,933 --> 01:27:43,714 And we have a train to catch. 1189 01:27:43,815 --> 01:27:46,978 Oh! Yes, of course. We have a train to catch. 1190 01:27:47,079 --> 01:27:50,625 And I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. 1191 01:27:50,727 --> 01:27:53,377 - Madam? - Perhaps we should be going? 1192 01:27:54,825 --> 01:27:58,120 Ah, very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. 1193 01:27:58,218 --> 01:28:02,277 So nice to see you, and I hope very much we will see you again very soon. 1194 01:28:02,378 --> 01:28:04,617 Au revoir, monsieur. 1195 01:28:04,618 --> 01:28:07,749 Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket. 1196 01:28:11,308 --> 01:28:13,705 Another bucket for monsieur! 1197 01:28:15,693 --> 01:28:18,474 And perhaps a hose. 1198 01:28:20,526 --> 01:28:23,493 Oh, Max. Really! 1199 01:28:38,738 --> 01:28:42,414 - Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint. - Nah! 1200 01:28:42,515 --> 01:28:45,646 Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one. 1201 01:28:45,748 --> 01:28:49,261 - No, fuck off. I'm full. - Oh, sir. Hmm? 1202 01:28:50,901 --> 01:28:52,915 It's only wafer-thin. 1203 01:28:52,917 --> 01:28:57,619 Look, I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. 1204 01:28:57,718 --> 01:29:01,612 - Bugger off. - Oh, sir, just... just one. 1205 01:29:04,664 --> 01:29:08,145 - Oh, just one. - Just the one, monsieur. 1206 01:29:09,882 --> 01:29:12,279 Voila. 1207 01:29:15,514 --> 01:29:17,911 Bon appetit. 1208 01:29:57,155 --> 01:30:00,122 Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your check. 1209 01:30:32,395 --> 01:30:35,429 You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder... 1210 01:30:35,533 --> 01:30:39,657 if we'll ever discover the meaning of it all... 1211 01:30:39,757 --> 01:30:42,154 working in a place like this. 1212 01:30:42,158 --> 01:30:45,955 Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking. 1213 01:30:46,063 --> 01:30:48,997 - Really, Maria? - Yes. 1214 01:30:49,103 --> 01:30:51,819 I used to work in the Academie Francaise, 1215 01:30:51,920 --> 01:30:54,317 but it didn't do me any good at all. 1216 01:30:54,416 --> 01:30:59,501 I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid, 1217 01:30:59,602 --> 01:31:03,083 but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall. 1218 01:31:03,187 --> 01:31:07,824 And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key, 1219 01:31:07,923 --> 01:31:12,396 but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library. 1220 01:31:12,500 --> 01:31:16,777 In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue. 1221 01:31:16,886 --> 01:31:21,359 I worked there from 9:00 'til 6:00, read every volume through, 1222 01:31:21,463 --> 01:31:26,133 but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. 1223 01:31:26,232 --> 01:31:30,771 I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. 1224 01:31:30,872 --> 01:31:35,476 'Til eventually, me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad. 1225 01:31:35,577 --> 01:31:38,227 So now, I'm cleaning up in here. 1226 01:31:39,611 --> 01:31:42,008 But I can't be really sad... 1227 01:31:42,074 --> 01:31:45,587 'cause you see, I feel that life's a game. 1228 01:31:45,692 --> 01:31:48,626 You sometimes win or lose, 1229 01:31:48,732 --> 01:31:51,415 and though I may be down right now, 1230 01:31:51,517 --> 01:31:54,004 at least I don't work for Jews. 1231 01:31:58,335 --> 01:32:00,638 I'm so sorry. 1232 01:32:00,639 --> 01:32:04,283 I had no idea we had a racist working here. 1233 01:32:04,385 --> 01:32:07,451 I- I apologize most sincerely. 1234 01:32:07,552 --> 01:32:09,758 I mean... 1235 01:32:09,761 --> 01:32:12,379 Where are you going? No, I can explain... 1236 01:32:12,482 --> 01:32:14,879 Oh, quel domage. 1237 01:32:17,315 --> 01:32:19,426 As for me... Huh! 1238 01:32:19,427 --> 01:32:21,848 If you want to know what I think... 1239 01:32:21,955 --> 01:32:24,352 I'll show you something. 1240 01:32:25,157 --> 01:32:28,539 - Come with me. - I was saying that... 1241 01:32:28,646 --> 01:32:31,043 - Uh, hello? - Come on. 1242 01:32:31,783 --> 01:32:34,180 Uh, hello? 1243 01:32:35,207 --> 01:32:37,604 - Hello! - This way. 1244 01:32:42,504 --> 01:32:44,959 Come on. Don't be shy. 1245 01:32:45,065 --> 01:32:47,462 Mind the stairs, all right? 1246 01:32:51,562 --> 01:32:53,959 I think this will help explain. 1247 01:33:00,877 --> 01:33:03,274 Come along. Come along. 1248 01:33:05,773 --> 01:33:08,170 Over here. 1249 01:33:17,648 --> 01:33:20,045 Come on. Come on. 1250 01:33:23,921 --> 01:33:26,318 This way. 1251 01:33:28,979 --> 01:33:31,376 Come on. 1252 01:33:33,941 --> 01:33:36,338 This way. 1253 01:33:37,172 --> 01:33:39,569 Stay by me, huh? 1254 01:33:41,813 --> 01:33:44,210 Nearly there now. 1255 01:33:53,144 --> 01:33:55,541 You see that? 1256 01:33:56,921 --> 01:33:59,318 That's where I was born. 1257 01:34:00,762 --> 01:34:04,559 You know, one day, my... my mother, 1258 01:34:04,667 --> 01:34:07,088 she put me on her knee and she said to me, 1259 01:34:08,412 --> 01:34:10,618 "Gaston, my son, 1260 01:34:10,621 --> 01:34:13,468 "the world is a beautiful place. 1261 01:34:14,813 --> 01:34:17,976 "You must go into it and love everyone. 1262 01:34:19,935 --> 01:34:25,205 "Try to make everyone happy and bring peace and contentment... 1263 01:34:25,311 --> 01:34:27,708 everywhere you go. " 1264 01:34:28,736 --> 01:34:31,133 So I became a waiter. 1265 01:34:39,138 --> 01:34:42,585 Well, it's... it's not much of a philosophy, I know. 1266 01:34:44,419 --> 01:34:47,288 Well, fuck you. 1267 01:34:47,396 --> 01:34:51,290 I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. 1268 01:34:51,397 --> 01:34:53,794 Fuck off. 1269 01:34:54,694 --> 01:34:57,093 Don't come followin' me! 1270 01:35:32,076 --> 01:35:34,253 This man is about to die. 1271 01:35:34,254 --> 01:35:37,103 In a few moments now, he will be killed, 1272 01:35:37,200 --> 01:35:39,689 for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal... 1273 01:35:39,795 --> 01:35:43,507 who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution. 1274 01:35:47,387 --> 01:35:49,786 There he is! 1275 01:36:02,988 --> 01:36:08,328 Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett, 1276 01:36:08,432 --> 01:36:12,013 you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true, 1277 01:36:12,116 --> 01:36:16,975 of the crime of first degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes... 1278 01:36:17,082 --> 01:36:19,481 in a moving picture. 1279 01:36:54,752 --> 01:36:57,274 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 1280 01:37:02,023 --> 01:37:05,604 It's no good. I- I just can't go on. 1281 01:37:05,706 --> 01:37:08,011 I'm no good anymore. 1282 01:37:08,013 --> 01:37:10,830 I- I want to end it all! 1283 01:37:10,928 --> 01:37:13,327 Good-bye! Good-bye! 1284 01:37:20,345 --> 01:37:23,445 Oh, my God! 1285 01:37:23,549 --> 01:37:26,104 Oh, no! I... 1286 01:37:26,207 --> 01:37:29,143 What'll I do? I can't live without him! 1287 01:37:29,251 --> 01:37:31,650 I- I-I... 1288 01:37:35,304 --> 01:37:37,320 Mummy! Mum, where are you? 1289 01:37:37,323 --> 01:37:40,008 Daddy? Mummy? 1290 01:37:40,109 --> 01:37:42,827 Mummy? 1291 01:38:45,712 --> 01:38:48,111 Yes? 1292 01:38:48,755 --> 01:38:51,178 Is it about the hedge? 1293 01:38:52,503 --> 01:38:54,423 Well, I'm awfully sorry, but... 1294 01:38:54,425 --> 01:38:56,666 I am the Grim Reaper. 1295 01:38:56,667 --> 01:38:58,844 - Who? - The Grim Reaper. 1296 01:38:58,846 --> 01:39:02,843 - Yes, I see. - I am Death. 1297 01:39:02,945 --> 01:39:06,690 Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight... 1298 01:39:06,789 --> 01:39:09,125 - Who is it, darling? - It's a Mr. Death or something. 1299 01:39:09,128 --> 01:39:12,261 He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment. 1300 01:39:12,363 --> 01:39:15,715 Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside, darling. Ask him in. 1301 01:39:15,823 --> 01:39:18,222 - I don't think it's quite the moment. - Do come in. Come along. 1302 01:39:18,321 --> 01:39:21,170 Come and have a drink. Do. Come on. 1303 01:39:24,216 --> 01:39:26,868 It's one of the little men from the village. 1304 01:39:26,970 --> 01:39:29,819 Do come in. Please. 1305 01:39:29,917 --> 01:39:32,919 - This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia. - Hi. 1306 01:39:33,025 --> 01:39:35,809 - And his wife, Debbie. - Hello there. 1307 01:39:35,907 --> 01:39:39,259 And these are the Portland Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona. 1308 01:39:39,366 --> 01:39:42,434 - Good evening. - This is Mr. Death. 1309 01:39:49,137 --> 01:39:52,718 - Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. - Yes. 1310 01:39:52,820 --> 01:39:55,219 Mr. Death is a reaper. 1311 01:39:55,255 --> 01:39:58,257 The Grim Reaper. 1312 01:39:58,362 --> 01:40:00,761 Hardly surprising in this weather. 1313 01:40:02,975 --> 01:40:05,563 So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death? 1314 01:40:05,665 --> 01:40:10,655 I am the Grim Reaper. 1315 01:40:10,759 --> 01:40:14,821 - That's about all he says. There's your drink, Mr. Death. - Do sit down. 1316 01:40:14,922 --> 01:40:18,088 We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the Third... 1317 01:40:22,643 --> 01:40:26,575 Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer. 1318 01:40:26,678 --> 01:40:28,373 The Stilton's awfully good. 1319 01:40:28,376 --> 01:40:31,476 I am not... 1320 01:40:31,579 --> 01:40:34,778 of this world. 1321 01:40:37,185 --> 01:40:39,105 Good Lord. 1322 01:40:39,106 --> 01:40:41,824 I am Death. 1323 01:40:45,706 --> 01:40:49,255 Well, isn't that extraordinary? We were just talking about death only five minutes ago. 1324 01:40:49,358 --> 01:40:52,939 Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end... 1325 01:40:53,042 --> 01:40:55,978 As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is... 1326 01:40:56,085 --> 01:40:59,185 and one so hates to use words like "soul" or "spirit"... 1327 01:40:59,287 --> 01:41:01,207 - What other words can one use? - Exactly. 1328 01:41:01,209 --> 01:41:04,921 You do not understand. 1329 01:41:06,110 --> 01:41:08,533 Ah, no. Obviously not. 1330 01:41:08,641 --> 01:41:11,425 - I'll tell you something, Mr. Death... - You don't... 1331 01:41:11,524 --> 01:41:13,923 I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here... 1332 01:41:14,023 --> 01:41:16,039 what a really unique experience this is. 1333 01:41:16,041 --> 01:41:19,109 - Hear, hear. - Yes, we're so delighted that you dropped in. 1334 01:41:19,212 --> 01:41:22,182 - Can I just finish, please? - Mr. Death. 1335 01:41:22,287 --> 01:41:25,005 Is there an afterlife? 1336 01:41:25,106 --> 01:41:27,249 Dear, if you could just wait, please... 1337 01:41:27,252 --> 01:41:29,172 Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry or... 1338 01:41:29,174 --> 01:41:32,210 - Angela, I'd like to say this, please. - Be quiet! 1339 01:41:32,313 --> 01:41:35,097 - Can I just say this at this time, please? - Silence! 1340 01:41:35,195 --> 01:41:37,913 I have come for you. 1341 01:41:40,225 --> 01:41:42,145 You mean to... 1342 01:41:42,147 --> 01:41:45,215 Take you away. 1343 01:41:46,279 --> 01:41:49,150 That is my purpose. 1344 01:41:50,893 --> 01:41:53,924 I am Death. 1345 01:41:56,393 --> 01:41:59,390 Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it? 1346 01:41:59,497 --> 01:42:02,429 I don't see it that way, Geoff. I think we're dealing with... 1347 01:42:02,535 --> 01:42:05,315 a potentially positive learning experience that can... 1348 01:42:05,413 --> 01:42:08,193 Shut up! Shut up, you American. 1349 01:42:08,291 --> 01:42:11,136 You always talk, you Americans. 1350 01:42:11,234 --> 01:42:13,687 You talk and you talk and you say... 1351 01:42:13,792 --> 01:42:19,156 "Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this. " 1352 01:42:19,262 --> 01:42:22,740 Well, you're dead now, so shut up! 1353 01:42:22,845 --> 01:42:25,240 - Dead? - Dead. 1354 01:42:27,259 --> 01:42:30,355 - All of us? - All of you. 1355 01:42:32,312 --> 01:42:36,171 Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses... 1356 01:42:36,279 --> 01:42:38,674 and then announce quite casually that we're all dead. 1357 01:42:38,709 --> 01:42:43,441 - Well, I would remind you that you're a guest in this house... - Be quiet! 1358 01:42:43,539 --> 01:42:47,693 Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous! 1359 01:42:47,793 --> 01:42:50,212 None of you have got any balls. 1360 01:42:51,504 --> 01:42:54,917 - Can I ask you a question? - What? 1361 01:42:55,021 --> 01:42:57,768 How can we all have died at the same time? 1362 01:43:10,023 --> 01:43:12,418 The salmon mousse. 1363 01:43:13,637 --> 01:43:16,701 Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you? 1364 01:43:16,803 --> 01:43:20,313 I'm most dreadfully embarrassed. 1365 01:43:20,417 --> 01:43:23,643 Now the time has come. 1366 01:43:25,055 --> 01:43:29,209 Follow. Follow me. 1367 01:43:42,903 --> 01:43:45,650 Just testing. Sorry. 1368 01:43:46,709 --> 01:43:50,961 Follow me. Now. 1369 01:43:56,977 --> 01:43:59,372 Come. 1370 01:44:01,838 --> 01:44:04,389 The fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon. 1371 01:44:04,493 --> 01:44:06,731 He's normally so reliable. 1372 01:44:06,732 --> 01:44:09,348 - Can we take our glasses? - Good idea. 1373 01:44:12,489 --> 01:44:15,454 Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse. 1374 01:44:20,421 --> 01:44:22,816 Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. 1375 01:44:22,884 --> 01:44:26,197 It really is embarrassing. I mean, to serve salmon with botulism... 1376 01:44:26,307 --> 01:44:28,224 at a dinner party is social death. 1377 01:44:30,497 --> 01:44:33,016 - Shall we take our cars? - Why not? 1378 01:44:33,119 --> 01:44:36,019 - Good idea. - Why not? 1379 01:45:09,870 --> 01:45:13,183 Behold Paradise. 1380 01:45:14,923 --> 01:45:18,881 - I love it here, darling. - Me, too, Marvin. 1381 01:45:18,985 --> 01:45:21,982 Hello. Welcome to heaven. 1382 01:45:30,532 --> 01:45:32,985 Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir? 1383 01:45:33,091 --> 01:45:35,456 - Yes. - Thank you. 1384 01:45:35,458 --> 01:45:38,325 There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant. 1385 01:45:38,431 --> 01:45:41,744 - For the ladies. - Mmm! Afterlife mints. 1386 01:45:41,855 --> 01:45:43,931 - Thank you. - Happy Christmas. 1387 01:45:43,933 --> 01:45:46,517 - Oh, is it Christmas today? - Of course, madam. 1388 01:45:46,620 --> 01:45:48,570 It's Christmas every day in heaven. 1389 01:45:48,572 --> 01:45:51,417 - Oh! How 'bout that? - Lovely. 1390 01:46:34,565 --> 01:46:36,482 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1391 01:46:36,485 --> 01:46:40,705 It's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening, 1392 01:46:40,802 --> 01:46:43,255 a very wonderful and warm... 1393 01:46:43,362 --> 01:46:46,229 and emotional moment for all of us. 1394 01:46:46,336 --> 01:46:48,381 And I'd like to sing a song... 1395 01:46:48,382 --> 01:46:51,795 for all of you. 1396 01:46:55,356 --> 01:47:00,688 * It's Christmas in heaven All the children sing * 1397 01:47:00,793 --> 01:47:02,710 * Ah, ah-ah-ah * 1398 01:47:02,713 --> 01:47:05,427 * It's Christmas in heaven * 1399 01:47:05,527 --> 01:47:09,353 * Hark, hark, those church bells ring * 1400 01:47:09,462 --> 01:47:12,623 * It's Christmas in heaven * 1401 01:47:12,723 --> 01:47:16,036 * The snow falls from the sky * 1402 01:47:16,147 --> 01:47:19,460 * But it's nice and warm and everyone * 1403 01:47:19,568 --> 01:47:22,729 * Looks smart and wears a tie * 1404 01:47:28,460 --> 01:47:31,719 * It's Christmas in heaven * 1405 01:47:31,819 --> 01:47:34,948 * There's great films on TV* 1406 01:47:35,049 --> 01:47:38,691 * The Sound of Music twice an hour * 1407 01:47:38,791 --> 01:47:42,269 * And Jaws I, II and III * 1408 01:47:42,374 --> 01:47:45,852 * There's gifts for all the family * 1409 01:47:45,956 --> 01:47:49,369 * There's toiletries and trains * 1410 01:47:49,474 --> 01:47:52,854 * There's Sony Walkman headphone sets * 1411 01:47:52,961 --> 01:47:56,253 * And the latest video games * 1412 01:47:56,350 --> 01:47:59,163 * It's Christmas It's Christmas in heaven * 1413 01:48:00,540 --> 01:48:02,873 * Hip, hip, hip, hip hip hooray * 1414 01:48:02,876 --> 01:48:06,354 * Every single day * 1415 01:48:06,458 --> 01:48:08,853 * Is Christmas Day * 1416 01:48:10,424 --> 01:48:13,040 * It's Christmas It's Christmas in heaven * 1417 01:48:14,423 --> 01:48:16,876 * Hip, hip, hip, hip hip hooray * 1418 01:48:16,981 --> 01:48:20,240 * Every single day is Christ... * 1419 01:48:24,497 --> 01:48:27,211 Well, that's the end of the film. Now here's The Meaning of Life. 1420 01:48:29,168 --> 01:48:31,563 Thank you, Brigitte. 1421 01:48:32,462 --> 01:48:35,046 Ahem. 1422 01:48:35,149 --> 01:48:38,408 Well, it's nothing very special. "Try and be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. 1423 01:48:38,508 --> 01:48:40,840 "Read a good book every now and then. Get some walking in... 1424 01:48:40,841 --> 01:48:44,799 and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. " 1425 01:48:44,904 --> 01:48:47,684 And finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises... 1426 01:48:47,782 --> 01:48:50,595 to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, 1427 01:48:50,693 --> 01:48:53,789 which is the only way these days to get the jaded video-sated public... 1428 01:48:53,891 --> 01:48:56,344 off their fucking asses and back in the sodding cinema. 1429 01:48:56,451 --> 01:48:59,231 Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth... 1430 01:48:59,329 --> 01:49:02,261 people doing things to each other with chain saws during Tupperware parties, 1431 01:49:02,367 --> 01:49:05,593 baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, 1432 01:49:05,694 --> 01:49:07,611 vigilante groups strangling chickens, 1433 01:49:07,613 --> 01:49:10,164 armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. 1434 01:49:10,269 --> 01:49:13,169 Where's the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. 1435 01:49:13,275 --> 01:49:15,662 Here's the theme music. Good night. 1436 01:49:28,222 --> 01:49:32,481 * Just remember that you're standing on a planet * 1437 01:49:32,587 --> 01:49:37,651 * That's evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour * 1438 01:49:37,751 --> 01:49:41,380 * It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned * 1439 01:49:41,480 --> 01:49:45,141 * A sun that is the source of all our power * 1440 01:49:45,240 --> 01:49:48,803 * The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see * 1441 01:49:48,905 --> 01:49:52,686 * Are moving at a million miles a day * 1442 01:49:52,793 --> 01:49:56,552 * In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour * 1443 01:49:56,649 --> 01:49:59,321 * Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way * 1444 01:50:08,026 --> 01:50:11,752 * Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars * 1445 01:50:11,850 --> 01:50:15,576 * It's a hundred thousand light years side to side * 1446 01:50:15,675 --> 01:50:18,825 * It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick * 1447 01:50:18,926 --> 01:50:23,131 * But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide * 1448 01:50:23,228 --> 01:50:26,629 * We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point * 1449 01:50:26,733 --> 01:50:30,546 * We go round every 200 million years * 1450 01:50:30,654 --> 01:50:34,055 * And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions * 1451 01:50:34,159 --> 01:50:37,180 * In this amazing and expanding universe * 1452 01:51:08,259 --> 01:51:12,616 * The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding * 1453 01:51:12,721 --> 01:51:16,284 * In all of the directions it can whizz * 1454 01:51:16,386 --> 01:51:20,015 * As fast as it can go at the speed of light you know * 1455 01:51:20,115 --> 01:51:23,483 * Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is * 1456 01:51:23,589 --> 01:51:27,533 * So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure * 1457 01:51:27,635 --> 01:51:31,416 * How amazingly unlikely is your birth * 1458 01:51:31,524 --> 01:51:34,805 * And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space * 1459 01:51:34,902 --> 01:51:37,607 * 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth. *