1 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,761 In this picture there are 47 people. 2 00:00:18,841 --> 00:00:21,121 None of them can be seen. 3 00:00:21,201 --> 00:00:23,082 In this film, we hope to show you... 4 00:00:23,162 --> 00:00:25,322 how not to be seen. 5 00:00:26,922 --> 00:00:30,363 This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw of Napier Court... 6 00:00:30,443 --> 00:00:33,484 Blackline Road, London, SE 14. 7 00:00:33,564 --> 00:00:35,604 He cannot be seen. 8 00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:37,565 Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. 9 00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:40,445 Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please? 10 00:00:46,206 --> 00:00:49,567 This demonstrates the value of not being seen. 11 00:00:49,647 --> 00:00:53,408 In this picture, we cannot see Mrs. B. J. Smegma... 12 00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:56,128 of 13 The Crescent, Belmont. 13 00:00:56,168 --> 00:00:59,129 Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please? 14 00:01:04,570 --> 00:01:08,731 This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow. Newtown. 15 00:01:08,771 --> 00:01:11,451 Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please? 16 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:19,213 Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: 17 00:01:19,293 --> 00:01:21,333 not to stand up. 18 00:01:21,413 --> 00:01:25,054 However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. 19 00:01:27,535 --> 00:01:31,455 Mr. E. W. Lambert of Homely, The Burrows. Oswald Street... 20 00:01:31,535 --> 00:01:33,536 has presented us with a poser. 21 00:01:33,576 --> 00:01:36,456 We do not know which bush he is behind. 22 00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:38,537 But we can soon find out. 23 00:01:47,579 --> 00:01:50,379 Yes. It was the middle one. 24 00:01:51,059 --> 00:01:53,700 Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull... 25 00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,140 chose a very cunning way of not being seen. 26 00:01:56,180 --> 00:02:00,061 When we called at their house, we found they had gone on two weeks holiday. 27 00:02:00,141 --> 00:02:02,822 However, a neighbor told us where they were. 28 00:02:05,142 --> 00:02:08,143 And here is the neighbor who told us where they were. 29 00:02:11,704 --> 00:02:13,584 And here is where he lived. 30 00:02:14,584 --> 00:02:17,145 And this is where he was born. 31 00:02:32,588 --> 00:02:34,588 And now for something completely different. 32 00:03:28,799 --> 00:03:31,200 Oh. Good evening. 33 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,320 Ladies and gentlemen... 34 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:38,361 we apologize that the feature was not quite as long as we'd anticipated. 35 00:03:38,401 --> 00:03:40,762 Therefore, there will be a short interval. 36 00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:49,964 In the meantime, we are pleased to be able to show you a short film... 37 00:03:50,044 --> 00:03:52,844 starring a man with a tape recorder up his nose. 38 00:04:25,011 --> 00:04:28,451 And now... And now a film starring a man... 39 00:04:28,491 --> 00:04:31,372 with a tape recorder up his brother's nose. 40 00:04:55,577 --> 00:04:57,937 And now in stereo 41 00:05:17,661 --> 00:05:20,222 Thank you. That is the end of the interval. 42 00:05:20,302 --> 00:05:22,422 Will you kindly return to your seats? 43 00:05:22,502 --> 00:05:25,783 We will now be proceeding with the program as advertised. 44 00:05:29,944 --> 00:05:31,824 Darling, you were wonderful. 45 00:05:31,864 --> 00:05:34,105 Oh, really? 46 00:05:34,305 --> 00:05:39,186 In 1971 the British Empire lay in ruins. 47 00:05:39,226 --> 00:05:42,906 Foreigners frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians. 48 00:05:42,986 --> 00:05:45,187 Not the streets. The foreign nationals. 49 00:05:45,267 --> 00:05:50,268 Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's to buy cigarettes. 50 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,668 There you are, sir. Thank you. 51 00:05:57,309 --> 00:05:59,150 Good morning, sir. 52 00:06:00,830 --> 00:06:04,431 "I will not buy this record. It is scratched." 53 00:06:04,511 --> 00:06:06,471 I'm sorry? 54 00:06:06,551 --> 00:06:10,232 I will not buy this record. It is scratched." 55 00:06:10,272 --> 00:06:13,833 Oh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's. 56 00:06:13,913 --> 00:06:15,353 Tobacconist's. 57 00:06:17,353 --> 00:06:20,674 "I will not buy this tobacconist's. It is scratched." 58 00:06:20,754 --> 00:06:23,555 No. Tobacco. Um, cigarettes. 59 00:06:23,635 --> 00:06:24,995 Cigarettes? 60 00:06:28,996 --> 00:06:32,676 - "My hovercraft is full of eels." - What? 61 00:06:32,716 --> 00:06:35,717 "My hovercraft is full of eels." 62 00:06:36,877 --> 00:06:39,758 - Ah, matches. - Yeah! Matches. 63 00:06:41,438 --> 00:06:43,879 - "Do you want..." - "Do you want." 64 00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:45,399 Want. 65 00:06:45,479 --> 00:06:50,120 "Do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy." 66 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,160 That'll be six shillings, please. 67 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:57,121 "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" 68 00:06:57,201 --> 00:06:59,402 "I am no longer infected." 69 00:06:59,482 --> 00:07:01,322 May I? 70 00:07:02,242 --> 00:07:04,883 Costs six shillings. 71 00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,165 Help! 72 00:07:30,008 --> 00:07:34,129 - What's all this. Then? - "You have beautiful thighs." 73 00:07:34,169 --> 00:07:35,689 - What? - He hit me. 74 00:07:35,769 --> 00:07:39,330 "Drop your panties, Sir Arthur. I can not wait till lunchtime!" 75 00:07:39,410 --> 00:07:42,731 - Right! - "Oh, my nipples explode with delight!" 76 00:07:42,811 --> 00:07:45,251 The Hungarian gentleman was subsequently released... 77 00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:48,932 but his information led to the arrest and trial of the real culprit. 78 00:07:49,012 --> 00:07:50,212 I am. 79 00:07:50,292 --> 00:07:53,173 You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May... 80 00:07:53,253 --> 00:07:55,893 you did will fully and with malice aforethought... 81 00:07:55,973 --> 00:07:58,894 publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book... 82 00:07:58,974 --> 00:08:01,935 with intent to cause a breach of the peace. 83 00:08:01,975 --> 00:08:05,175 - How do you plead? - Not guilty. 84 00:08:05,855 --> 00:08:08,056 Mr. York, on the 28th of May... 85 00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:11,697 - you published this phrase book. - I did. 86 00:08:11,737 --> 00:08:14,897 With Your Lordship's permission, I would like to quote an example. 87 00:08:14,937 --> 00:08:19,578 The Hungarian phrase meaning, "Can you direct me to the railway station?"... 88 00:08:19,658 --> 00:08:22,579 is here translated by the English phrase... 89 00:08:22,619 --> 00:08:25,059 "Please fondle my buttocks." 90 00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:30,860 "Please fondle... 91 00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:33,061 my buttocks." 92 00:08:33,141 --> 00:08:34,981 Ah, yes. It's past the post office... 93 00:08:35,061 --> 00:08:37,462 200 yards down and then left at the light. 94 00:08:41,183 --> 00:08:44,343 Left at lights. 95 00:09:44,755 --> 00:09:46,756 Meanwhile, not far away... 96 00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:50,997 Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were about to enter an unfamiliar office. 97 00:09:51,077 --> 00:09:52,517 Next. 98 00:10:15,322 --> 00:10:19,242 Oh. Are you the marriage guidance counselor? 99 00:10:19,282 --> 00:10:22,163 - Yes. Good morning. - Morning. 100 00:10:24,764 --> 00:10:28,604 And... good morning to you, madam. 101 00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:34,606 - Name? - Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey. 102 00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:41,567 And what is the name of your... ravishing wife? 103 00:10:41,647 --> 00:10:43,927 Wait. Don't tell me. 104 00:10:43,967 --> 00:10:47,408 It's... It's something to do with moonlight. 105 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,689 Goes with her eyes. 106 00:10:50,769 --> 00:10:52,809 It's soft and gentle... 107 00:10:52,889 --> 00:10:55,210 warm and yielding. 108 00:10:55,290 --> 00:10:57,130 Deeply lyrical, and yet... 109 00:10:57,210 --> 00:11:00,531 tender and frightened, like a tiny, white rabbit. 110 00:11:00,571 --> 00:11:02,331 It's Dierdre. 111 00:11:05,652 --> 00:11:07,492 What a beautiful name. 112 00:11:09,373 --> 00:11:11,213 What a beautiful... 113 00:11:12,453 --> 00:11:14,334 beautiful name. 114 00:11:17,974 --> 00:11:21,055 And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage, Mr. Putey? 115 00:11:21,095 --> 00:11:23,855 It started when we went to Brighton on holiday together. 116 00:11:23,935 --> 00:11:26,776 Dierdre - that's my wife - and I, we've always been close companions... 117 00:11:26,856 --> 00:11:29,737 and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife. 118 00:11:29,817 --> 00:11:32,337 The very idea of consulting a professional marital advisor... 119 00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,338 has always been of the greatest repugnance to me. 120 00:11:34,418 --> 00:11:38,738 Although, far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or... 121 00:11:38,819 --> 00:11:40,659 or profession. 122 00:11:43,139 --> 00:11:46,420 - Do go on. - We've always been close companions... 123 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:50,101 sharing the interests, the gardening, the holiday money. 124 00:11:50,181 --> 00:11:53,902 Twice a month of an evening, we settle down to do the accounts together... 125 00:11:53,982 --> 00:11:57,502 something which Dierdre - that's my wife - 126 00:11:57,542 --> 00:12:00,423 and I particularly look forward to on account of her feet. 127 00:12:00,503 --> 00:12:04,264 I should have said at the start that I noted for having a grand sense of humor. 128 00:12:04,304 --> 00:12:08,224 Although I've kept myself very much to myself over the last couple of years. 129 00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:11,905 It's only been as comparatively recently as recently that I've begun to realize-- 130 00:12:11,945 --> 00:12:14,466 Well, perhaps "realize" is too strong a word. 131 00:12:14,546 --> 00:12:19,627 Uh, imagine that, uh, I was not the only thing in her life. 132 00:12:19,667 --> 00:12:21,747 You suspected your wife? 133 00:12:21,827 --> 00:12:23,188 Well... 134 00:12:25,348 --> 00:12:27,788 frankly, yes. 135 00:12:27,868 --> 00:12:29,989 A bit. 136 00:12:30,029 --> 00:12:32,429 Her behavior did seem to me-- 137 00:12:32,469 --> 00:12:35,590 Her behavior did seem to me. who was there to see... 138 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:38,071 to be a little odd. 139 00:12:38,151 --> 00:12:39,671 - Odd? - To an extent. 140 00:12:39,751 --> 00:12:42,031 I'm not by nature a suspicious person. 141 00:12:42,111 --> 00:12:45,872 I've got a reputation of an after-dinner speaker, if you get my meaning. 142 00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:47,392 I certainly do. 143 00:12:47,472 --> 00:12:50,793 And in the area where people know me, I'm very well known. 144 00:12:50,833 --> 00:12:53,314 - Fine. Would you-- - Certainly. 145 00:12:53,394 --> 00:12:56,274 It was time to face the facts, stop beating about the bush... 146 00:12:56,354 --> 00:12:58,955 or I'd never be able to look myself in the bathroom mirror again. 147 00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:03,116 Would you mind running along for 10-- make it 20 minutes. All right? 148 00:13:03,156 --> 00:13:05,556 Yes. I'll wait outside, shall I? 149 00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,838 Yes, that-that's perhaps the best thing. 150 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:16,918 Certainly set my mind at rest on one or two scores there. 151 00:13:33,042 --> 00:13:34,802 Arthur Putey! 152 00:13:35,802 --> 00:13:39,443 Are you a man or a mouse? 153 00:13:39,483 --> 00:13:42,123 You've been running too long, Arthur Putey. 154 00:13:42,204 --> 00:13:47,285 It's time to stop, time to turn and fight like a man. 155 00:13:47,325 --> 00:13:49,805 Go back in there, Arthur Putey. 156 00:13:49,885 --> 00:13:53,966 Go back in there and pull your finger out. 157 00:13:54,046 --> 00:13:56,886 Yes! Yes, you're right. 158 00:13:56,926 --> 00:13:59,647 This is it, Arthur Putey! 159 00:13:59,727 --> 00:14:02,888 This is your moment, Arthur Putey! 160 00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:05,968 At last you're a man! 161 00:14:10,489 --> 00:14:12,690 Come out of there. Dierdre! I know you're in there. 162 00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:15,290 - Go away! - Righto. 163 00:14:41,776 --> 00:14:44,056 Oh, what a lovely little 164 00:14:53,538 --> 00:14:55,818 Oh, what a lovely little-- 165 00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:09,221 - Oh, what a lovely little-- - Stop it! Stop right there! 166 00:15:09,301 --> 00:15:13,142 This is absolutely disgusting, and I'm not going to stand for it! 167 00:15:13,222 --> 00:15:15,102 There. Kill 168 00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:15,034 Cut! That's it. We're not going to allow this sort of smut on the screen. 169 00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:18,075 This depraved and degrading spectacle is going to stop right now. 170 00:16:18,155 --> 00:16:21,556 - Do you hear me? Stop it! - Damn I Just when it was getting good. 171 00:16:28,797 --> 00:16:30,678 Evening, squire. 172 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,320 You married? 173 00:16:45,401 --> 00:16:48,561 - Yes. - I'm a bachelor myself. 174 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,002 Is-- Is your wife a goer? 175 00:16:51,042 --> 00:16:53,082 Eh? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. 176 00:16:53,122 --> 00:16:55,483 - Know what I mean? Say no more. - I beg your pardon? 177 00:16:55,523 --> 00:17:00,124 Your wife, does she go? Eh? Know what I mean? Does she go? 178 00:17:00,164 --> 00:17:02,684 - She sometimes goes. - I'll bet she does. 179 00:17:02,764 --> 00:17:05,565 Say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. 180 00:17:05,605 --> 00:17:08,365 - I'm afraid I don't quite follow you. - Follow me. 181 00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:12,446 That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 182 00:17:12,526 --> 00:17:16,647 - Look, are you selling something? - Selling. Selling. Very good. 183 00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:18,807 Know what I mean? 184 00:17:18,887 --> 00:17:22,048 Oh, wicked. You're wicked, eh? Nudge, nudge. 185 00:17:22,088 --> 00:17:24,969 A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 186 00:17:25,049 --> 00:17:28,329 - But... - Your wife a sport, eh? 187 00:17:28,409 --> 00:17:32,210 - She likes sport, yes. - I bet she does. 188 00:17:32,290 --> 00:17:34,211 She's very fond of cricket. 189 00:17:34,251 --> 00:17:36,891 Who isn't, eh? Likes games. 190 00:17:36,971 --> 00:17:39,332 Knew she would. Who doesn't. Eh? 191 00:17:39,412 --> 00:17:41,332 She's been around a bit. Eh? 192 00:17:41,412 --> 00:17:43,332 She's traveled. She's from Purley. 193 00:17:43,412 --> 00:17:45,973 Oh! Say no more. 194 00:17:48,453 --> 00:17:50,454 Know what I mean? Say no more. 195 00:17:52,934 --> 00:17:56,815 Your wife interested in, uh, photography, eh? 196 00:17:56,895 --> 00:18:00,256 "Photographs, eh?" he asked him knowingly. 197 00:18:00,336 --> 00:18:03,496 - Photography? - Yeah. Snap. Grin. Wink. Nudge. 198 00:18:03,536 --> 00:18:06,897 - Holiday stamps? - Could be taken on holiday. Could be. 199 00:18:06,977 --> 00:18:09,618 Swimming costumes. Nudge, nudge. 200 00:18:09,698 --> 00:18:13,258 - Candid photography. - No. I'm afraid we don't have a camera. 201 00:18:13,298 --> 00:18:15,179 Oh. Still. 202 00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:21,620 Look, are you trying to insinuate something? 203 00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:27,061 - Yes. - Well? 204 00:18:27,141 --> 00:18:29,862 Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't ya? 205 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:33,543 I mean, you know, you've, uh... you've been around. You've been there. 206 00:18:33,623 --> 00:18:36,783 - What do you mean? - Well, you know, you've... 207 00:18:36,823 --> 00:18:39,304 You've done it, uh, with a lady. 208 00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:42,184 - You've slept with a lady. - Yes. 209 00:18:43,305 --> 00:18:44,585 What's it like? 210 00:18:45,585 --> 00:18:48,025 Well, I think it's overrated. 211 00:18:49,346 --> 00:18:51,226 Shut up, you! 212 00:18:52,986 --> 00:18:55,987 - Good evening, class! - Good evening. 213 00:18:56,027 --> 00:18:58,428 - Where's all the others, then? - They're not here. 214 00:18:58,508 --> 00:19:01,508 I can see that! What's the matter with'em? 215 00:19:01,588 --> 00:19:03,549 - Don't know. - Perhaps they've got flu. 216 00:19:03,629 --> 00:19:06,749 Flu! They should eat more fresh fruit! 217 00:19:10,070 --> 00:19:12,951 Right! Now, self-defense! 218 00:19:13,031 --> 00:19:16,231 Tonight I shall be carryin' on from where we got to last week... 219 00:19:16,311 --> 00:19:20,632 when I was showin' you how to defend yourselves against anyone... 220 00:19:20,672 --> 00:19:24,513 who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit. 221 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,154 - You said we wouldn't do fruit again. - What do you mean? 222 00:19:29,194 --> 00:19:31,514 We've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks. 223 00:19:31,554 --> 00:19:35,115 What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh? 224 00:19:35,195 --> 00:19:36,715 Can't we try something else? 225 00:19:36,795 --> 00:19:38,956 Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick. 226 00:19:39,036 --> 00:19:40,876 Pointed stick? 227 00:19:43,037 --> 00:19:47,518 We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? 228 00:19:47,558 --> 00:19:50,438 Gettin' all high and mighty, eh? 229 00:19:50,478 --> 00:19:53,279 Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? 230 00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:56,799 Well, let me tell you somethin', my lad! 231 00:19:56,879 --> 00:20:00,480 When you're walkin' home tonight and some great homicidal maniac... 232 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:05,361 comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come cryin' to me! 233 00:20:05,441 --> 00:20:09,642 Right! And now the passion fruit. 234 00:20:09,682 --> 00:20:13,443 When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, like thus-- 235 00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:16,203 - We done the passion fruit. - What? 236 00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:20,364 - We've done the passion fruit. - We done oranges, apples, grapefruits... 237 00:20:20,444 --> 00:20:24,445 - Whole and segments. - Greengages, pomegranates. 238 00:20:24,525 --> 00:20:26,926 - Grapes, passion fruit. - Lemons. 239 00:20:27,006 --> 00:20:30,766 - Plums. - And mangoes in syrup. 240 00:20:30,806 --> 00:20:33,447 - How about cherries? - We done them. 241 00:20:33,487 --> 00:20:35,647 - Red and black? - Yes. 242 00:20:36,687 --> 00:20:38,568 All right, then. 243 00:20:41,008 --> 00:20:44,329 Bananas. We haven't done bananas, have we? 244 00:20:44,369 --> 00:20:46,569 - No. - Right! 245 00:20:46,610 --> 00:20:50,650 How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana! 246 00:20:50,730 --> 00:20:55,571 Catch. Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. 247 00:20:55,651 --> 00:20:59,132 First of all, you force him to drop the banana. 248 00:20:59,212 --> 00:21:02,813 Then you eat the banana, thus disarming him. 249 00:21:02,893 --> 00:21:04,733 You have now rendered him helpless! 250 00:21:04,813 --> 00:21:07,694 - Suppose he's got a bunch. - Shut up. 251 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,694 - Suppose he's got a pointed stick. - Shut up! 252 00:21:11,735 --> 00:21:13,935 Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot. 253 00:21:13,975 --> 00:21:16,496 - Harrison. - Sorry. Mr. Harrison. 254 00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:18,496 Come at me with that banana. 255 00:21:18,576 --> 00:21:23,017 Be as vicious as you Iike with it. Come on. Attack me! 256 00:21:23,097 --> 00:21:25,657 No, no, no! Put something into it, for God's... 257 00:21:25,737 --> 00:21:28,058 Hold the banana like that. 258 00:21:28,138 --> 00:21:30,498 That's better. Now scream. 259 00:21:30,578 --> 00:21:32,819 Good. Right. Now attack me. 260 00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,259 Come on, man, attack me! 261 00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:41,541 Next, I eat the banana. 262 00:21:44,621 --> 00:21:47,142 Now, I would just like to point out... 263 00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:51,223 that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become silly. 264 00:21:51,303 --> 00:21:55,343 Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do. 265 00:21:55,423 --> 00:21:59,264 Except, perhaps, my wife and some of her friends. 266 00:21:59,344 --> 00:22:01,065 Oh, yes, and Captain John son. 267 00:22:01,145 --> 00:22:03,905 Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do. 268 00:22:03,985 --> 00:22:08,266 But that's beside the point. I'm warning this film not to get silly again. 269 00:22:08,346 --> 00:22:12,747 Right. Now, Director, on the command "Cut"... 270 00:22:12,827 --> 00:22:15,027 cut to the next scene. 271 00:22:15,107 --> 00:22:18,108 - Director... - This is a frightened city. 272 00:22:18,148 --> 00:22:20,629 Wait for itl 273 00:22:20,709 --> 00:22:22,949 Director, cut! 274 00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:25,590 This is a frightened city. 275 00:22:25,670 --> 00:22:29,630 Over these streets, over these houses, hangs a pall of fear. 276 00:22:29,670 --> 00:22:33,231 An ugly kind of violence is rife, stalking the town. 277 00:22:36,232 --> 00:22:40,473 Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking fit, defenseless young men. 278 00:23:02,477 --> 00:23:04,958 They just come up to you and push you, like. 279 00:23:05,038 --> 00:23:09,158 Shove you off the pavement. There's usually about four or five of them. 280 00:23:09,198 --> 00:23:12,559 Yeah, sometimes it's three or four of them. 281 00:23:12,639 --> 00:23:16,320 It's not even safe to go out down to the shops anymore. 282 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,761 Grannies are no respecter of race, creed or sex. 283 00:23:21,841 --> 00:23:24,281 Theirs is a harsh. ruthless world... 284 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:28,122 a tough world, a world in which the surgical stocking is king. 285 00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:32,123 But what are they in it for, these senile delinquents... 286 00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,484 these layabouts in lace? 287 00:23:34,524 --> 00:23:37,604 - Oh, the violence. - The prestige, mainly. 288 00:23:37,684 --> 00:23:40,885 - The free gifts. - Poking the knee in the groin. 289 00:23:40,965 --> 00:23:43,245 We like pulling the heads off sheep. 290 00:23:43,285 --> 00:23:46,046 And tea cakes. 291 00:23:46,126 --> 00:23:49,407 We have a Iot of trouble with grannies. Pension day is the worst. 292 00:23:49,487 --> 00:23:51,287 Soon as they get it, they blow the lot... 293 00:23:51,367 --> 00:23:54,648 on milk, tea, sugar, a tin of meat for their cat. 294 00:23:54,728 --> 00:23:57,568 The whole crux of the problem, uh... 295 00:23:57,648 --> 00:24:00,529 lies in the basic dissatisfaction... 296 00:24:00,569 --> 00:24:04,410 of these senile delinquents with the world as they find it. 297 00:24:04,490 --> 00:24:07,690 They begin to question, uh, the values of their society. 298 00:24:07,770 --> 00:24:09,931 They see their sons and daughters growing up... 299 00:24:10,011 --> 00:24:14,132 to become accountants, uh, solicitors, sociologists even. 300 00:24:14,172 --> 00:24:17,012 And they begin to wonder, "Is it all worth it? Is it all..." 301 00:24:28,334 --> 00:24:32,095 Another prime target for vandalism is telephone boxes. 302 00:24:34,816 --> 00:24:36,696 But mostly, they just live for kicks. 303 00:24:49,699 --> 00:24:52,419 But there are other kinds of violence abroad... 304 00:24:52,499 --> 00:24:54,860 other gangs, equally vicious, equally determined... 305 00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:56,780 such as the baby snatchers. 306 00:25:00,741 --> 00:25:03,101 Hey What is this? 307 00:25:03,181 --> 00:25:05,262 Hey! Help! 308 00:25:05,342 --> 00:25:09,143 I left him outside for a few moments while I got some Brillo Pads. 309 00:25:09,223 --> 00:25:12,783 When I came back, he was gone. He was only 48! 310 00:25:12,863 --> 00:25:16,384 And also vicious gangs of "Keep Left" signs. 311 00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:23,986 Right! Stop that! 312 00:25:24,066 --> 00:25:26,666 It's silly. Very silly, indeed. 313 00:25:26,746 --> 00:25:30,347 It started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men... 314 00:25:30,427 --> 00:25:32,587 but now it's just got silly. 315 00:25:32,627 --> 00:25:34,628 His hair's too long for a vicar too. 316 00:25:34,668 --> 00:25:39,069 And you can tell those are not proper "Keep Left" signs. Clear off, the lot of you! 317 00:25:39,149 --> 00:25:40,989 You, come with me. 318 00:25:44,390 --> 00:25:49,111 Right. Now Iet's see something decent and military: some precision drilling. 319 00:25:49,191 --> 00:25:52,311 Squad! Camp it up! 320 00:25:53,392 --> 00:25:55,312 Ooh, get her! Whoops! 321 00:25:55,352 --> 00:26:00,393 I've got your number, but you couldn't afford me, dear, two, three. 322 00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:02,834 I'll scratch your eyes out. 323 00:26:02,874 --> 00:26:06,194 Don't come the bigger dear bitch with us. dear. 324 00:26:06,234 --> 00:26:10,395 We all know where you've been, you military fairy, two, three. 325 00:26:10,475 --> 00:26:13,116 One, two, three, four, five, six. 326 00:26:13,196 --> 00:26:15,516 Whoops! Don't look now, girls. 327 00:26:15,596 --> 00:26:18,877 The maid is just mince in that jolly color, Sergeant. 328 00:26:18,957 --> 00:26:20,957 Two, three. Ooh! 329 00:26:22,238 --> 00:26:24,718 Right! Stop that. Silly. 330 00:26:24,758 --> 00:26:28,079 And a bit suspect, I think. Time for a cartoon. 331 00:26:29,439 --> 00:26:31,599 Once upon a time... 332 00:26:31,639 --> 00:26:34,200 there was an enchanted prince... 333 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:37,081 who ruled the land beyond the Wobbles. 334 00:26:39,121 --> 00:26:43,922 One day he discovered a spot on his face. 335 00:26:44,802 --> 00:26:46,883 Foolishly, he ignored it. 336 00:26:46,963 --> 00:26:50,643 And three years later, he died of cancer. 337 00:26:50,683 --> 00:26:52,564 The spot, however, flourished... 338 00:26:52,604 --> 00:26:55,444 and soon set out to seek its fortune. 339 00:27:28,571 --> 00:27:31,652 Agnes, did you just see who moved in next door? 340 00:27:31,692 --> 00:27:34,652 Yes. Black as the ace of spades, they were. 341 00:27:34,692 --> 00:27:37,453 Oh, well, there goes the neighborhood. 342 00:27:37,533 --> 00:27:39,373 Oh, yes. 343 00:27:58,537 --> 00:28:00,417 Next, please. 344 00:28:03,218 --> 00:28:05,098 One at a time, please. 345 00:28:06,539 --> 00:28:08,499 There is only me, sir. 346 00:28:13,580 --> 00:28:16,221 So there is. Take a, um... 347 00:28:17,701 --> 00:28:20,581 - Seat? - Seat. Take a seat. 348 00:28:20,621 --> 00:28:24,262 So, you want to join my mountaineering expedition, do you? 349 00:28:25,823 --> 00:28:28,423 Who, me, sir? 350 00:28:28,463 --> 00:28:31,664 - Yes, I'd very much like to, sir. - Jolly good. 351 00:28:32,664 --> 00:28:34,544 And how about you? 352 00:28:35,785 --> 00:28:38,425 There is only me, sir. 353 00:28:43,866 --> 00:28:47,307 Well, bang goes his application then. 354 00:28:47,387 --> 00:28:50,308 Now, let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition... 355 00:28:50,388 --> 00:28:54,348 and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro. 356 00:28:54,428 --> 00:28:57,109 I thought there was only one peak, sir. 357 00:29:08,791 --> 00:29:12,352 Well. That I save a bit of time. Well done. 358 00:29:12,432 --> 00:29:15,193 Now, the object of this year's expedition... 359 00:29:15,233 --> 00:29:18,673 is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition. 360 00:29:18,713 --> 00:29:21,474 - Last year's expedition? - Yes. My brother was leading that. 361 00:29:21,554 --> 00:29:24,835 They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks. 362 00:29:30,196 --> 00:29:32,076 My idea, I'm afraid. 363 00:29:32,156 --> 00:29:35,197 I ought to tell you that I have almost everyone I need for this expedition. 364 00:29:35,277 --> 00:29:37,957 But what special qualifications do you have? 365 00:29:38,037 --> 00:29:40,518 - Well, sir... - Yes, you first. 366 00:29:40,598 --> 00:29:42,758 - There is only me, sir. - I wasn't talking to you. 367 00:29:42,838 --> 00:29:46,759 - Carry on. - I'm a fully qualified mountaineer. 368 00:29:48,559 --> 00:29:50,400 Mountaineer? 369 00:29:55,481 --> 00:29:58,161 Mouse. Moun... 370 00:29:58,241 --> 00:30:02,642 Mountaineer: two men skilled at climbing a mountain. 371 00:30:02,722 --> 00:30:05,243 By Jove, that'd be useful. 372 00:30:05,283 --> 00:30:08,403 Well, you're in. Congratulations. 373 00:30:08,483 --> 00:30:11,204 Both of you. Now, what are your names? 374 00:30:11,244 --> 00:30:13,124 Arthur Wilson. 375 00:30:15,365 --> 00:30:16,725 Well, look. 376 00:30:16,805 --> 00:30:20,006 I'll call you Arthur Wilson One and you Arthur Wilson Two... 377 00:30:20,046 --> 00:30:21,926 just to avoid confusion. 378 00:30:21,966 --> 00:30:24,087 Are you actually leading this expedition? 379 00:30:24,167 --> 00:30:26,847 Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa. 380 00:30:26,887 --> 00:30:30,208 - What routes will you both be following? - Good questions. 381 00:30:30,248 --> 00:30:33,888 We'll be leaving on one or other of the January the 22... 382 00:30:33,929 --> 00:30:36,049 and taking the following routes: 383 00:30:36,129 --> 00:30:38,529 from Manchesters, down through Oxfords... 384 00:30:38,569 --> 00:30:41,450 taking the M1.5 through Londons to Purleys... 385 00:30:41,490 --> 00:30:44,411 then the A25s from Purleys to Dovers. 386 00:30:44,491 --> 00:30:47,131 Thence Africas to Nairobis. 387 00:30:47,211 --> 00:30:51,652 We take the south roads out of Nairobis for about 12 miles and then ask. 388 00:30:51,692 --> 00:30:54,693 - Does anyone speak Swahili? - Most of them do down there. 389 00:30:54,773 --> 00:30:57,533 No. Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir? 390 00:30:57,613 --> 00:31:00,334 - Well, Matron's got a smattering. - Apart from the two Matrons. 391 00:31:00,414 --> 00:31:02,734 Good Lord. I forgot about her. 392 00:31:02,774 --> 00:31:05,255 Apart from them, who else is coming on our expedition? 393 00:31:05,335 --> 00:31:08,415 Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins,... 394 00:31:08,496 --> 00:31:11,896 two botanists called Madchen, the William Johnston brothers... 395 00:31:11,976 --> 00:31:14,857 - Two of them. - Four. Pair of identical twins. 396 00:31:14,897 --> 00:31:17,617 Two of the Harry Baker quads and you two. 397 00:31:18,297 --> 00:31:21,458 - And none of these are mountaineers? - Well, you two are. 398 00:31:21,498 --> 00:31:24,099 And we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blankensoft... 399 00:31:24,179 --> 00:31:27,379 because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. 400 00:31:27,419 --> 00:31:30,420 Most of it's up, till we reach the very top... 401 00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:32,980 and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. 402 00:31:33,060 --> 00:31:36,541 But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up. Jimmy 403 00:31:38,142 --> 00:31:41,222 Jimmy Blankensoft, Arthur Wilson. Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blankensoft. 404 00:31:41,302 --> 00:31:42,862 Jimmy Blankensoft Two, Arthur Wilson Two. 405 00:31:42,902 --> 00:31:45,103 Arthur Wilson Two, Jimmy Blankensoft One. 406 00:31:45,143 --> 00:31:48,344 - Carry on, Jimmy. - Don't worry about the... 407 00:31:48,424 --> 00:31:50,584 We'll get him up, all right. 408 00:31:56,665 --> 00:32:01,106 Well, I'd better describe the route. We start off simply up Kilimanjaro... 409 00:32:03,707 --> 00:32:06,187 Quite simple. No problem there, basically. 410 00:32:06,267 --> 00:32:10,468 And then we go on to the main face itself of Kilimanjaro. 411 00:32:10,548 --> 00:32:12,869 It's a bit difficult here because... 412 00:32:17,149 --> 00:32:19,470 There's a difficult bit 'round here when you've got to go... 413 00:32:19,550 --> 00:32:22,871 from the end of the mantel-piece onto the coffee table. 414 00:32:22,911 --> 00:32:25,871 It's a bit of a difficult jump. We don't need those. 415 00:32:25,951 --> 00:32:29,472 Then you've got the rail up here, which is quite a good fortune. 416 00:32:29,552 --> 00:32:33,593 There's a terribly easy bit over the floor up onto the chair. 417 00:32:33,633 --> 00:32:35,633 And then we've got... 418 00:32:37,314 --> 00:32:39,354 We get down. We go quite simplistic. 419 00:32:43,875 --> 00:32:45,875 He'll be Ieading the first assault. 420 00:32:45,955 --> 00:32:48,476 I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition, sir... 421 00:32:48,556 --> 00:32:52,837 'cause I have absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it! 422 00:32:54,917 --> 00:32:56,357 Oh. dear. 423 00:32:58,078 --> 00:33:00,358 - What about you? - I'm game, sir. 424 00:33:00,398 --> 00:33:02,279 Jolly good. 425 00:33:04,759 --> 00:33:05,919 Good Lord! 426 00:33:32,525 --> 00:33:34,405 And now for something completely different. 427 00:33:34,565 --> 00:33:36,646 - Inspector! - Yes, sir? 428 00:33:36,686 --> 00:33:39,206 I was sitting on a park bench and I put my coat down. 429 00:33:39,246 --> 00:33:43,367 When I picked it up, I found my wallet had gone and �15 had been stolen. 430 00:33:43,407 --> 00:33:46,808 - Did you see anyone? - No, no one at all. 431 00:33:48,848 --> 00:33:51,489 Well, there's very little we can do about that, sir. 432 00:34:00,690 --> 00:34:03,091 Do you want to come back to my place? 433 00:34:07,332 --> 00:34:09,252 Yeah, all right. 434 00:34:45,299 --> 00:34:48,100 And so Miss Spume returned to her typing... 435 00:34:48,180 --> 00:34:50,220 and dreamed her little dreamy dreams... 436 00:34:50,300 --> 00:34:54,261 unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. 437 00:34:54,341 --> 00:34:56,702 For Miss Spume was about to fall victim... 438 00:34:56,782 --> 00:35:00,983 of the dreaded international Chinese communist conspiracy 439 00:35:01,023 --> 00:35:03,223 Yes, these fanatical fiends... 440 00:35:03,263 --> 00:35:06,824 under the leadership of the so-called Mao Tse-tung... 441 00:35:06,904 --> 00:35:11,025 had caught Miss Spume off guard for one brief but fatal moment... 442 00:35:13,545 --> 00:35:15,426 and destroyed her... 443 00:35:16,586 --> 00:35:19,906 just as they are ready to go anytime free men anywhere... 444 00:35:19,986 --> 00:35:22,667 waver in their defense of democracy. 445 00:35:31,789 --> 00:35:34,149 Once again, American defense... 446 00:35:34,189 --> 00:35:37,230 proves its effectiveness against international communism. 447 00:35:37,310 --> 00:35:40,511 Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country... 448 00:35:40,551 --> 00:35:42,871 we can see how international communism works... 449 00:35:42,951 --> 00:35:45,392 by eroding away from within. 450 00:35:50,153 --> 00:35:51,993 When one country, or tooth... 451 00:35:52,073 --> 00:35:56,634 falls victim to international communism, its neighbors soon follow. 452 00:35:56,714 --> 00:36:00,115 In dentistry, this is known as the domino theory. 453 00:36:00,195 --> 00:36:04,676 But with American defense, the decay is stopped before it starts. 454 00:36:04,716 --> 00:36:09,396 That's why nine out of ten small countries choose American defense. 455 00:36:09,476 --> 00:36:13,637 Or Crelm toothpaste with the miracle ingredient Frauduline. 456 00:36:13,677 --> 00:36:16,198 The white car represents Crelm toothpaste... 457 00:36:16,238 --> 00:36:18,238 with the miracle ingredient Frauduline. 458 00:36:18,318 --> 00:36:21,479 The not-white car represents another toothpaste. 459 00:36:23,919 --> 00:36:26,400 Both cars provide 30% protection. 460 00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:30,961 At 60% protection, both cars are doing well. 461 00:36:32,561 --> 00:36:34,962 At 90% protection... Wait. 462 00:36:35,042 --> 00:36:36,722 The not-white car is out... 463 00:36:36,802 --> 00:36:40,483 and Crelm toothpaste goes on to win with 100% protection. 464 00:36:40,563 --> 00:36:43,163 Yes. Do like all smart motorists. 465 00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:45,284 Choose Crelm toothpaste! 466 00:36:45,364 --> 00:36:49,645 Or Shrill petrol, with the new additive GLC-9424075,... 467 00:36:49,725 --> 00:36:52,045 after 6:00 p.m., 9424047. 468 00:36:52,085 --> 00:36:54,646 Using this white card to represent engine deposits... 469 00:36:54,726 --> 00:36:59,447 and this black card to represent Shrill's new additive, GLC-9424075,... 470 00:36:59,527 --> 00:37:01,927 after 6:00 p.m., 9424047... 471 00:37:02,007 --> 00:37:05,128 we can see how the engine deposits are pushed off the face of the earth... 472 00:37:05,208 --> 00:37:07,368 by the superior forces available to Sh-- 473 00:37:13,209 --> 00:37:14,890 This is the police. 474 00:37:14,970 --> 00:37:17,890 We know you're in there, so come out with your hands up. 475 00:37:17,970 --> 00:37:20,251 You'll never take me alive copper! 476 00:37:20,291 --> 00:37:22,731 All right, then. Sergeant! 477 00:37:40,735 --> 00:37:44,016 Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth. 478 00:38:29,705 --> 00:38:34,186 Thank you, thank you, Conrad Poohs and His Exploding Teeth. 479 00:38:34,266 --> 00:38:37,747 A smile, two fangs and an "Excuse me". 480 00:38:37,827 --> 00:38:40,387 And next tonight, gentlemen and ladies... 481 00:38:40,427 --> 00:38:43,708 here at the Peephole Club for the very first time... 482 00:38:43,788 --> 00:38:45,628 we're very proud to welcome... 483 00:38:45,708 --> 00:38:49,629 Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice. 484 00:38:57,391 --> 00:38:59,351 Thank you, thank you. 485 00:38:59,431 --> 00:39:02,952 Ladies and gentlemen, I have in this box... 486 00:39:03,032 --> 00:39:05,392 23 white mice... 487 00:39:05,472 --> 00:39:08,753 mice which I have painstakingly trained... 488 00:39:08,833 --> 00:39:10,673 over the past few years... 489 00:39:10,753 --> 00:39:13,714 to squeak at a selected pitch. 490 00:39:14,834 --> 00:39:16,714 This one is "A"-Sharp... 491 00:39:16,754 --> 00:39:19,275 and this one is "G". 492 00:39:19,355 --> 00:39:23,036 "G", "A"-Sharp. You get the general idea. 493 00:39:23,116 --> 00:39:27,117 Now, these mice are so arranged upon this rack... 494 00:39:27,157 --> 00:39:30,277 that when played in the correct order... 495 00:39:30,357 --> 00:39:32,038 they will squeak... 496 00:39:32,118 --> 00:39:34,958 "Three Blinded White Mice." 497 00:39:35,038 --> 00:39:38,279 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, on the mouse organ... 498 00:39:38,359 --> 00:39:40,799 "Three Blinded White Mice." 499 00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:42,520 Thank you. 500 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:48,041 - Oh, my God! - Somebody stop him. 501 00:40:10,565 --> 00:40:12,446 Ten seconds, studio. 502 00:40:14,406 --> 00:40:16,847 Stop him! Stop that bastard! 503 00:40:20,327 --> 00:40:24,248 Hello, and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. 504 00:40:24,328 --> 00:40:28,449 And we kick off this evening with a look at the cinema. 505 00:40:28,489 --> 00:40:32,690 One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed, of any age... 506 00:40:32,770 --> 00:40:36,331 is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country for the first time in five years... 507 00:40:36,411 --> 00:40:40,171 to open a season of his films at the National Film Theatre. 508 00:40:40,251 --> 00:40:43,772 And we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in the studio this evening. 509 00:40:43,852 --> 00:40:45,852 - Good evening. - Edward... 510 00:40:45,933 --> 00:40:48,293 - You don't mind if I call you Edward? - Not at all. 511 00:40:48,333 --> 00:40:50,613 It does seem to worry some people. I'm not sure why. 512 00:40:50,693 --> 00:40:54,134 Some are sensitive, so I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions. 513 00:40:54,214 --> 00:40:57,615 - No, that's fine. - So Edward it is. Splendid. 514 00:40:57,695 --> 00:41:00,695 - I'm sorry to have brought it up. - No. Edward it is. 515 00:41:00,776 --> 00:41:03,376 Thank you very much for being so helpful. 516 00:41:03,456 --> 00:41:07,217 - At times it's more than my job's worth. - Quite. 517 00:41:07,297 --> 00:41:11,018 Makes it hard to establish a rapport, to put the other person at his ease. 518 00:41:11,098 --> 00:41:12,938 - Quite. - Quite. 519 00:41:13,018 --> 00:41:15,619 Silly little point, but it does seem to matter. 520 00:41:15,659 --> 00:41:19,979 Still Iess said the better. Ted, when you first went in the film... 521 00:41:20,059 --> 00:41:22,660 You don't mind if I call you Ted, as opposed to Edward? 522 00:41:22,700 --> 00:41:24,740 - No. Everyone calls me Ted. - Splendid. 523 00:41:24,780 --> 00:41:27,501 - Because it's much shorter, isn't it? - Yes, it is. 524 00:41:27,581 --> 00:41:30,822 - Much Iess formal. - Ted, Edward, anything. 525 00:41:30,862 --> 00:41:33,262 Splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom. 526 00:41:33,302 --> 00:41:36,143 I don't want you bothering with any of this "Thomas" nonsense. 527 00:41:38,983 --> 00:41:41,544 Fine. Where were we? Eddie baby, when you first... 528 00:41:41,584 --> 00:41:45,385 I'm sorry. I don't like being called Eddie baby. 529 00:41:45,425 --> 00:41:48,705 - I beg your pardon? - I don't like being called Eddie baby. 530 00:41:48,785 --> 00:41:50,746 Now get on with your interview. 531 00:41:51,866 --> 00:41:55,187 - Did I call you Eddie baby? - Yes, you did. 532 00:41:55,227 --> 00:41:58,187 I don't think I did. Did I call him Eddie baby? 533 00:41:58,267 --> 00:42:00,828 Yes, you did! 534 00:42:00,908 --> 00:42:03,188 I didn't call you Eddie baby, did I, sweetie? 535 00:42:03,228 --> 00:42:05,589 - Don't call me sweetie. - Can I call you sugar plum? 536 00:42:05,669 --> 00:42:07,149 - No! - Pussycat? 537 00:42:07,189 --> 00:42:09,429 - No! - Angel drawers? 538 00:42:09,469 --> 00:42:11,670 No, you may not. 539 00:42:11,750 --> 00:42:13,870 - Now get on with it. - Can I call you Frank? 540 00:42:15,751 --> 00:42:18,551 - Why Frank? - Frank's a nice name. 541 00:42:18,631 --> 00:42:21,392 President Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank. 542 00:42:21,432 --> 00:42:24,873 - What is going on? - Frank. Frankie. Fran. Frannie. 543 00:42:24,953 --> 00:42:28,193 - Little Frannie Boo. - That's it. I'm leaving. 544 00:42:28,273 --> 00:42:30,834 Had enough of this. I've never been so insulted. 545 00:42:30,914 --> 00:42:33,914 - Tell us about your film, Sir Edward. - What? 546 00:42:33,994 --> 00:42:37,915 Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind. 547 00:42:37,995 --> 00:42:41,556 - None of this pussycat nonsense? - Promise. 548 00:42:41,636 --> 00:42:43,516 Please. Sir Edward. 549 00:42:44,837 --> 00:42:46,717 - My latest film? - Yes, Sir Edward. 550 00:42:48,317 --> 00:42:53,238 I first had the idea, funnily enough, when I joined the industry in 1919. 551 00:42:53,278 --> 00:42:55,799 Of course, in those days I was only a tea boy... 552 00:42:55,839 --> 00:42:57,599 Oh, shut up. 553 00:42:57,679 --> 00:42:59,800 - There he is! - Get him. 554 00:43:10,282 --> 00:43:13,002 Stop him! 555 00:43:13,082 --> 00:43:15,083 He's a murderer! 556 00:43:15,163 --> 00:43:17,883 Come back, you fiend! Fiend! 557 00:43:17,923 --> 00:43:19,804 He's a murderer! 558 00:44:39,380 --> 00:44:41,860 "The room is full of milkmen... 559 00:44:42,901 --> 00:44:45,901 some of whom are... 560 00:44:46,781 --> 00:44:50,422 are very old." 561 00:44:55,383 --> 00:44:57,784 This man is Ernest Scribbler... 562 00:44:57,864 --> 00:45:00,144 manufacturer of jokes. 563 00:45:00,184 --> 00:45:03,985 In a few moments he will think of the funniest joke in the world... 564 00:45:04,065 --> 00:45:07,826 and as a result he will die laughing. 565 00:45:48,714 --> 00:45:51,594 It was obvious the joke was lethal. 566 00:45:51,674 --> 00:45:54,075 No one could read it and live. 567 00:45:54,155 --> 00:45:57,356 Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment... 568 00:45:57,436 --> 00:46:01,436 entered the room and found what was, apparently... 569 00:46:01,516 --> 00:46:03,397 a suicide note. 570 00:46:31,322 --> 00:46:33,203 The war against the Hun continues... 571 00:46:33,283 --> 00:46:35,643 and as Britain's brave boys battle against the Bosch... 572 00:46:35,723 --> 00:46:38,804 their leaders are on the lookout for new breakthroughs that could provide... 573 00:46:38,884 --> 00:46:41,685 the ultimate weapon in the war against the Hun. 574 00:46:43,565 --> 00:46:47,446 Here, in this little house in Pinchley, they think maybe they've found it. 575 00:46:47,526 --> 00:46:51,567 It's a joke so deadly, it could have Fritz's forces falling about. 576 00:47:05,009 --> 00:47:07,050 Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm... 577 00:47:07,090 --> 00:47:10,850 the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards. 578 00:47:39,416 --> 00:47:42,257 Fantastic! 579 00:47:43,217 --> 00:47:45,818 All through the winter of '43... 580 00:47:45,898 --> 00:47:49,298 we had translators working in joke-proof conditions... 581 00:47:49,378 --> 00:47:53,339 to try and manufacture a German version of the joke. 582 00:47:53,419 --> 00:47:56,700 They worked on one word each for greater safety. 583 00:47:56,780 --> 00:48:01,141 One of them saw two words by mistake and had to spend several weeks in hospital. 584 00:48:01,181 --> 00:48:03,901 But apart from that, things went ahead pretty fast. 585 00:48:03,941 --> 00:48:06,382 And by January we had the joke in a form... 586 00:48:06,462 --> 00:48:10,263 which our troops couldn't understand, but which the Germans could. 587 00:48:10,303 --> 00:48:13,103 So on July the 8th, 1944... 588 00:48:13,183 --> 00:48:15,384 the joke was first told to the enemy... 589 00:48:15,424 --> 00:48:17,304 in the Ardennes. 590 00:48:18,664 --> 00:48:21,585 Squad, tell the joke! 591 00:48:47,070 --> 00:48:49,310 In action, it was deadly. 592 00:49:24,598 --> 00:49:26,598 The German casualties were appalling. 593 00:49:36,240 --> 00:49:39,281 It was a fantastic success over 80,000 times as powerful... 594 00:49:39,361 --> 00:49:42,121 as Britain's great prewar joke, which was used at Munich... 595 00:49:42,161 --> 00:49:44,042 and one which Hitler couldn't match. 596 00:49:53,043 --> 00:49:56,324 I would like to apologize for the rather poor taste... 597 00:49:56,404 --> 00:49:58,244 of the previous item. 598 00:49:59,605 --> 00:50:01,645 And excuse me, please. 599 00:50:35,732 --> 00:50:37,572 Fleet Street, please. 600 00:50:38,613 --> 00:50:40,453 All right, everybody, stay close. 601 00:50:40,533 --> 00:50:42,533 Don't lag behind. Keep together, everybody. 602 00:50:42,613 --> 00:50:45,174 Remember. Watch out for the killer cars. 603 00:50:49,455 --> 00:50:51,255 Yes, the killer cars. 604 00:50:51,295 --> 00:50:56,096 For years the city had been plagued by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion. 605 00:50:56,176 --> 00:50:58,297 In an attempt to eliminate this problem... 606 00:50:58,337 --> 00:51:00,537 certain fanatical cars,.. 607 00:51:00,577 --> 00:51:03,418 had taken the law into their own hands. 608 00:51:06,698 --> 00:51:09,059 But the days of the killer cars were numbered... 609 00:51:09,099 --> 00:51:12,379 thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation. 610 00:51:27,823 --> 00:51:30,583 Thank you! You've saved our city! 611 00:51:30,663 --> 00:51:32,504 But at what cost? 612 00:51:37,785 --> 00:51:41,185 Just then as it looked for certain, that the city was about to be eaten... 613 00:51:41,225 --> 00:51:44,546 the earth trembled and the sun was blotted out from the sky. 614 00:51:45,906 --> 00:51:48,467 Suddenly, swarms of giant bees filled the air... 615 00:51:48,547 --> 00:51:52,548 and 300 million armored horsemen covered with coats of 1,000 different colors... 616 00:51:52,628 --> 00:51:55,468 appeared at every street corner attacking the monster cat... 617 00:51:55,508 --> 00:51:57,709 in a scene of such spectacular proportions... 618 00:51:57,789 --> 00:52:01,349 that it could never in your life be seen in a low-budget film like this. 619 00:52:01,429 --> 00:52:03,590 If you'd notice, my mouth isn't moving either. 620 00:52:03,670 --> 00:52:06,950 But just as the monster cat was starting to weaken... 621 00:52:06,990 --> 00:52:09,511 the earth split apart with a deafening roar and... 622 00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:58,041 Hello. I wish to register a complaint. 623 00:52:59,401 --> 00:53:02,322 - Hello. Miss? - What do you mean, "miss"? 624 00:53:03,642 --> 00:53:07,003 Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. 625 00:53:08,563 --> 00:53:10,643 Sorry. We're closing for lunch. 626 00:53:10,683 --> 00:53:13,804 Nevermind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot... 627 00:53:13,884 --> 00:53:17,045 what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 628 00:53:17,085 --> 00:53:20,125 Oh, yes, the Norwegian blue. What's wrong with it? 629 00:53:20,205 --> 00:53:22,286 I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 630 00:53:22,366 --> 00:53:25,046 It's dead. That's what's wrong with it. 631 00:53:25,086 --> 00:53:27,767 No, it's resting. Look. 632 00:53:27,847 --> 00:53:32,248 Look, my Iad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one now. 633 00:53:32,288 --> 00:53:34,528 No, that's not dead, it's resting. 634 00:53:34,608 --> 00:53:36,809 - Resting? - Yeah, resting. 635 00:53:36,889 --> 00:53:39,729 Remarkable bird, the Norwegian blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage. 636 00:53:39,809 --> 00:53:43,730 The plumage don't enter into it. It's still dead. 637 00:53:43,810 --> 00:53:45,731 No, it's resting. 638 00:53:47,011 --> 00:53:50,571 All right, then. If it's resting, I'll wake it up. 639 00:53:50,652 --> 00:53:52,172 Hello, Polly! 640 00:53:53,732 --> 00:53:58,293 I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot! 641 00:53:58,373 --> 00:54:01,174 - There, he moved. - No, that was you pushing the cage. 642 00:54:01,254 --> 00:54:03,414 - I didn't. - Yes, you did 643 00:54:03,494 --> 00:54:05,414 Hello, Polly! 644 00:54:07,695 --> 00:54:09,575 Wakey, wakey! 645 00:54:11,216 --> 00:54:13,696 Rise and shine. 646 00:54:13,736 --> 00:54:16,417 This is your 9:00 alarm call. 647 00:54:21,218 --> 00:54:23,058 That's what I call a dead parrot. 648 00:54:24,058 --> 00:54:26,459 - No, he's stunned. - Stunned? 649 00:54:26,539 --> 00:54:28,899 Yeah, you stunned him just as he was wakin' up. 650 00:54:28,939 --> 00:54:32,140 - Norwegian blues stun easily. - I've had enough of this. 651 00:54:32,180 --> 00:54:36,101 That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it a half hour ago... 652 00:54:36,181 --> 00:54:38,741 you assured me that its total lack of movement... 653 00:54:38,821 --> 00:54:43,222 was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squall. 654 00:54:43,302 --> 00:54:46,023 Well, he's pining for the fjords. 655 00:54:49,423 --> 00:54:53,664 Pinin' for the fjords? What kind of talk is that? 656 00:54:53,744 --> 00:54:57,065 Look, why did it fall flat on its back the minute I got it home? 657 00:54:57,145 --> 00:55:00,946 Well, the Norwegian blue prefers keeping on its back. Beautiful plumage. 658 00:55:00,986 --> 00:55:04,987 Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot and I discovered... 659 00:55:05,067 --> 00:55:08,627 the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place... 660 00:55:08,707 --> 00:55:11,708 was that it had been nailed there. 661 00:55:11,788 --> 00:55:13,628 Oh, well, of course it was nailed there. 662 00:55:13,708 --> 00:55:17,989 If I hadn't nailed it there, it would have muscled up to those bars and boom. 663 00:55:18,069 --> 00:55:19,590 Look here mate. 664 00:55:20,670 --> 00:55:24,951 This parrot wouldn't boom if you put 4,000 volts through it. 665 00:55:24,991 --> 00:55:27,151 It's bleedin' demised. 666 00:55:28,311 --> 00:55:30,192 No, it's pining. 667 00:55:30,232 --> 00:55:34,032 It's not pining, it's passed on. 668 00:55:35,033 --> 00:55:37,313 This parrot is no more. 669 00:55:37,393 --> 00:55:39,674 It has ceased to be. 670 00:55:39,714 --> 00:55:43,034 It's expired and gone to see its maker. 671 00:55:43,114 --> 00:55:45,995 This is a late parrot! 672 00:55:46,955 --> 00:55:48,555 It's a stiff. 673 00:55:48,635 --> 00:55:51,516 Bereft of Iife. It rests in peace. 674 00:55:51,596 --> 00:55:55,477 If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. 675 00:55:55,517 --> 00:55:59,038 It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. 676 00:55:59,118 --> 00:56:03,758 This is an ex-parrot. 677 00:56:06,559 --> 00:56:08,719 Well. I'd better replace it then. 678 00:56:08,799 --> 00:56:11,480 If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain... 679 00:56:11,520 --> 00:56:13,680 till you're blue in the mouth. 680 00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:15,841 Sorry, squire. We're right out of parrots. 681 00:56:15,921 --> 00:56:17,881 I see. I get the picture. 682 00:56:19,562 --> 00:56:23,162 - I've got a slug. - Does it talk? 683 00:56:24,643 --> 00:56:26,483 Not really. 684 00:56:26,563 --> 00:56:29,524 Well, it's scarcely a replacement then, is it? 685 00:56:32,164 --> 00:56:35,885 Listen. I didn't want to work in a pet shop. 686 00:56:35,965 --> 00:56:38,205 I wanted to be a lumberjack. 687 00:56:40,806 --> 00:56:42,646 Sorry. This is irrelevant. 688 00:56:42,726 --> 00:56:42,726 Yes, a lumberjack! 689 00:56:42,726 --> 00:56:45,167 Yes, a lumberjack! 690 00:56:45,247 --> 00:56:49,728 Leaping from trees as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. 691 00:56:49,768 --> 00:56:52,128 The giant redwood! 692 00:56:52,168 --> 00:56:54,169 The larch! 693 00:56:54,249 --> 00:56:57,649 The fir! The mighty Scotch pine! 694 00:56:57,729 --> 00:56:59,570 What about my bloody parrot? 695 00:56:59,650 --> 00:57:02,490 The smell of fresh-cut timber! 696 00:57:02,570 --> 00:57:05,291 The crash of mighty trees. 697 00:57:05,371 --> 00:57:10,012 With my best girl by my side, we'd sing! 698 00:57:14,013 --> 00:57:16,453 I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay 699 00:57:16,533 --> 00:57:19,094 I sleep all night and I work all day 700 00:57:19,174 --> 00:57:21,454 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 701 00:57:21,494 --> 00:57:23,895 He sleeps all night and he works all day 702 00:57:23,975 --> 00:57:26,375 I cut down trees I eat my lunch 703 00:57:26,455 --> 00:57:28,816 I go to the lavatory 704 00:57:28,856 --> 00:57:31,136 On Wednesday I go shopping 705 00:57:31,216 --> 00:57:33,577 And have buttered scones for tea 706 00:57:33,617 --> 00:57:36,497 He cuts down trees He eats his lunch 707 00:57:36,537 --> 00:57:38,778 He goes to the lavatory 708 00:57:38,858 --> 00:57:41,138 On Wednesday he goes shopping 709 00:57:41,218 --> 00:57:44,019 And has buttered scones for tea 710 00:57:44,059 --> 00:57:46,419 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 711 00:57:46,499 --> 00:57:48,940 He sleeps all night and he works all day 712 00:57:48,980 --> 00:57:51,580 I cut down trees I skip and jump 713 00:57:51,660 --> 00:57:54,061 I like to press wild flowers 714 00:57:54,141 --> 00:57:56,621 I put on women's clothing 715 00:57:56,661 --> 00:57:59,222 And hang around in bars 716 00:57:59,302 --> 00:58:01,862 He cuts down trees He skips and jumps 717 00:58:01,942 --> 00:58:04,183 He likes to press wild flowers 718 00:58:04,223 --> 00:58:06,623 He puts on women's clothing 719 00:58:06,703 --> 00:58:09,464 And hangs around in bars 720 00:58:09,504 --> 00:58:11,864 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 721 00:58:11,944 --> 00:58:14,385 He sleeps all night and he works all day 722 00:58:14,465 --> 00:58:17,105 I cut down trees I wear high heels 723 00:58:17,186 --> 00:58:19,466 Suspenders and a bra 724 00:58:19,546 --> 00:58:22,066 I wish I'd been a girlie 725 00:58:22,107 --> 00:58:24,747 Just like my dear papa 726 00:58:24,827 --> 00:58:27,548 - I cut down trees, I wear high heels - He cuts down trees 727 00:58:27,628 --> 00:58:30,228 Suspenders and a bra 728 00:58:30,268 --> 00:58:32,429 I wish I'd been a girlie 729 00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:35,589 Just like my dear papa 730 00:58:35,669 --> 00:58:37,470 Oh, Brevers! 731 00:58:37,510 --> 00:58:40,470 And I thought you were so butch 732 00:58:41,991 --> 00:58:43,671 Oh, you pansy! 733 00:58:53,433 --> 00:58:55,593 And now for something completely different. 734 00:59:03,395 --> 00:59:05,395 Hello, darling. Sorry I'm so late. 735 00:59:05,475 --> 00:59:07,636 That's all right, darling. I'm 20 minutes late myself. 736 00:59:07,716 --> 00:59:10,836 - Let's not start worrying about that. - It's nice here, isn't it? 737 00:59:10,916 --> 00:59:13,397 Yes. A very good restaurant. Five stars, you know? 738 00:59:13,477 --> 00:59:15,397 - Really? - Oh, yes. Terrific reputation. 739 00:59:15,477 --> 00:59:18,278 Good evening, madame. Good evening, sir. 740 00:59:18,358 --> 00:59:21,158 May I say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir? 741 00:59:21,238 --> 00:59:25,279 Thank you. Apparently, the boeuf en croute is fantastic. 742 00:59:25,319 --> 00:59:27,840 If I may recommend, sir, the faisan a la reine. 743 00:59:27,920 --> 00:59:30,800 The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations. 744 00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:33,121 - Mmm, that sounds very good. - Sounds lovely. 745 00:59:33,161 --> 00:59:35,641 Anyway, darling, have a look at the menu. 746 00:59:35,721 --> 00:59:37,882 See what you want. Take your time. 747 00:59:37,962 --> 00:59:41,563 By the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you get me another one? 748 00:59:41,643 --> 00:59:45,483 - I beg your pardon? - It's dirty. Could I get another fork? 749 00:59:45,563 --> 00:59:49,124 - Sir, I do apologize. - No need to apologize. Doesn't worry me. 750 00:59:49,164 --> 00:59:51,525 No. I do apologize, sir. 751 00:59:51,565 --> 00:59:54,125 I will fetch the headwaiter immediatement. 752 00:59:54,205 --> 00:59:56,526 No, please. No need to do that. 753 00:59:56,566 --> 00:59:58,966 Oh no. I feel sure the headwaiter... 754 00:59:59,046 --> 01:00:02,207 he will want to apologize to you himself, personally. 755 01:00:02,287 --> 01:00:06,888 I cannot think how this has happened. I will fetch him at once. 756 01:00:06,928 --> 01:00:09,768 Well, you certainly get good service here, don't you? 757 01:00:09,808 --> 01:00:11,969 Yes, they really look after you here. 758 01:00:12,049 --> 01:00:14,689 This all looks delicious. 759 01:00:15,970 --> 01:00:19,730 Excuse me, sir, madame. 760 01:00:19,770 --> 01:00:22,051 This is filthy. Who the hell washes up? 761 01:00:22,131 --> 01:00:24,931 Find out who washes up and give them their cards immediately. 762 01:00:25,011 --> 01:00:27,612 No! On second thought, we can't take any chances. 763 01:00:27,692 --> 01:00:31,413 - Sack the entire washing-up staff - I don't want to cause any trouble. 764 01:00:31,493 --> 01:00:35,454 It's quite right that you bring this sort of thing to our attention. 765 01:00:35,534 --> 01:00:39,014 Find the manager and tell him what has happened immediately! 766 01:00:39,094 --> 01:00:42,055 - Please, I don't want to make any fuss. - Oh, no, there's no fuss. 767 01:00:42,135 --> 01:00:44,495 We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes... 768 01:00:44,535 --> 01:00:46,616 with your complete enjoyment of the meal. 769 01:00:46,696 --> 01:00:49,976 I'm sure it won't. It was only a dirty fork. 770 01:00:50,056 --> 01:00:54,537 I know, and I'm sorry. Bitterly sorry. 771 01:00:54,617 --> 01:00:58,938 But I know nothing I can say can alter the fact that in this restaurant... 772 01:00:59,018 --> 01:01:03,539 you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery. 773 01:01:03,579 --> 01:01:05,940 - It wasn't smelly. - It is smelly. 774 01:01:05,980 --> 01:01:08,340 And obscene and disgusting. I hate it. 775 01:01:08,380 --> 01:01:11,701 - That's enough, Gilberto. - Dirty, nasty, smutty! 776 01:01:13,381 --> 01:01:15,702 Good evening, sir. Good evening, madame. 777 01:01:15,742 --> 01:01:19,382 I'm the manager. I've only just heard what's happened. 778 01:01:19,462 --> 01:01:22,023 - May I sit down? - Yes, of course. 779 01:01:24,543 --> 01:01:28,864 I want to apologize humbly, deeply and sincerely... 780 01:01:28,944 --> 01:01:30,785 about the fork. 781 01:01:30,865 --> 01:01:34,425 No. Really, it was only a tiny piece of dirt. You can hardly see it. 782 01:01:34,505 --> 01:01:39,306 Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that. 783 01:01:39,386 --> 01:01:43,267 But I can see it. To me it's Iike a boulder... 784 01:01:43,347 --> 01:01:45,468 a vast bowl of pus. 785 01:01:46,308 --> 01:01:51,109 - Oh, it's not that bad. - No, it gets me here. 786 01:01:51,189 --> 01:01:54,069 I can't give you any excuses. There are no excuses. 787 01:01:54,149 --> 01:01:56,870 I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant... 788 01:01:56,950 --> 01:02:01,791 but I haven't been well recently and things have been going badly back there. 789 01:02:01,871 --> 01:02:04,312 Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple who prepares the salad... 790 01:02:04,392 --> 01:02:07,072 can hardly move her poor, swollen fingers. 791 01:02:07,112 --> 01:02:10,433 And then, of course, there's Gilberto's war wound. 792 01:02:10,473 --> 01:02:13,353 But they're good people, and they're fine people... 793 01:02:13,433 --> 01:02:16,834 and together we were beginning to get over this bad patch. 794 01:02:16,874 --> 01:02:19,515 There was light at the end of the tunnel... 795 01:02:19,595 --> 01:02:22,155 when this... 796 01:02:22,235 --> 01:02:25,516 when this happened! 797 01:02:25,596 --> 01:02:29,437 - Can I get you some water? - It's the end of the road! 798 01:02:31,837 --> 01:02:34,398 You bastards! 799 01:02:34,478 --> 01:02:35,958 You mean us? 800 01:02:36,038 --> 01:02:39,399 You vicious, heartless bastards! 801 01:02:41,039 --> 01:02:43,079 Look what you've done to him. 802 01:02:43,119 --> 01:02:47,160 He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is! 803 01:02:47,240 --> 01:02:50,481 And you come in here with your petty... 804 01:02:50,561 --> 01:02:53,642 vicious, heartless quibbling... 805 01:02:53,682 --> 01:02:57,122 and you grind him into the dirt. 806 01:02:59,523 --> 01:03:02,603 This fine, honorable man... 807 01:03:02,683 --> 01:03:06,484 whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! 808 01:03:08,925 --> 01:03:12,365 Oh, it makes me mad. 809 01:03:21,127 --> 01:03:22,927 Easy, Mongo! Easy. 810 01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:26,128 Stark, stirring mad. 811 01:03:26,208 --> 01:03:28,849 No, Mongo! Oh! Oh, the wound! 812 01:03:28,929 --> 01:03:31,369 They destroyed him! 813 01:03:31,449 --> 01:03:34,770 It's the end! The end. 814 01:03:36,410 --> 01:03:38,651 He's dead. 815 01:03:38,731 --> 01:03:40,571 They killed him! 816 01:03:40,651 --> 01:03:42,531 Revenge. 817 01:03:44,572 --> 01:03:47,572 No, Mongo! Never kill a customer. 818 01:03:47,612 --> 01:03:50,133 Oh, the wound again. 819 01:03:50,213 --> 01:03:52,573 They ruined him! 820 01:03:58,175 --> 01:04:00,975 Lucky I didn't tell'em about the dirty knife. 821 01:04:39,943 --> 01:04:41,943 Good morning. I'm a bank robber. 822 01:04:42,023 --> 01:04:44,824 Please don't panic. Just hand over all the money. 823 01:04:44,904 --> 01:04:47,505 This is a Iingerie shop, sir. 824 01:04:52,106 --> 01:04:53,626 Fine, fine. 825 01:04:57,387 --> 01:04:59,547 Adopt, adapt and improve. 826 01:05:01,547 --> 01:05:04,028 - Well, what have you got? - We've got corsets, stockings... 827 01:05:04,108 --> 01:05:07,029 suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers... 828 01:05:07,109 --> 01:05:09,149 socks and garters, sir. 829 01:05:09,229 --> 01:05:10,749 Fine. 830 01:05:13,790 --> 01:05:15,990 No large quantities of money in safes? 831 01:05:16,070 --> 01:05:18,431 No, sir. 832 01:05:18,511 --> 01:05:21,792 No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags? 833 01:05:21,872 --> 01:05:24,072 No, sir. 834 01:05:24,152 --> 01:05:25,672 Fine. 835 01:05:35,634 --> 01:05:37,475 Just a pair of panties then, please. 836 01:05:46,997 --> 01:05:49,037 And now for something completely different. 837 01:05:53,998 --> 01:05:56,279 Hey, did you see that? 838 01:05:58,479 --> 01:06:01,720 Did you see something go past the window? 839 01:06:01,800 --> 01:06:02,680 What? 840 01:06:02,760 --> 01:06:05,880 Somebody went past that window, downwards. 841 01:06:10,681 --> 01:06:12,402 Another one. 842 01:06:14,482 --> 01:06:16,723 Another one just went past, downwards. 843 01:06:17,963 --> 01:06:19,043 What? 844 01:06:19,123 --> 01:06:21,484 Two people have just fallen past that window! 845 01:06:22,644 --> 01:06:24,484 Fine. 846 01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:29,005 Look, two people...three people have just fallen past that window. 847 01:06:31,806 --> 01:06:33,886 Must be a board meeting. 848 01:06:33,966 --> 01:06:36,287 Oh, yeah. 849 01:06:36,327 --> 01:06:40,247 - That was Wilkins of finance. - No, that was Robertson. 850 01:06:40,327 --> 01:06:43,008 - Wilkins. - It was Robertson. 851 01:06:45,729 --> 01:06:48,529 - That was Wilkins. - Oh, yeah. 852 01:06:48,609 --> 01:06:50,610 Bet Parkinson next. 853 01:06:50,690 --> 01:06:53,410 - Bet you it won't. - How much? 854 01:06:54,570 --> 01:06:58,451 - What? - How much do you bet it won't? Fiver? 855 01:06:58,531 --> 01:07:01,532 - Yeah, all right. - Right. Done. You're on. 856 01:07:01,612 --> 01:07:03,572 Parkinson next. 857 01:07:06,213 --> 01:07:08,813 - Come on, Parky! - Don't be silly, Parky! 858 01:07:08,893 --> 01:07:11,454 - Come on, Parky! Jump! - Don't be stupid, man! 859 01:07:11,494 --> 01:07:14,894 Dear Sir, I would like to complain about that last scene... 860 01:07:14,974 --> 01:07:17,255 about people falling out of high buildings. 861 01:07:17,295 --> 01:07:20,456 I myself have worked all my life in such a building... 862 01:07:20,536 --> 01:07:23,576 and have never once... 863 01:08:29,950 --> 01:08:32,310 Psst. All clear. 864 01:08:41,112 --> 01:08:44,673 Vocational guidance counselor. 865 01:08:55,195 --> 01:08:58,996 Ah, Mr. Anchovy. Do sit down. 866 01:08:59,076 --> 01:09:01,956 Oh, thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh? 867 01:09:02,036 --> 01:09:03,957 Yes. 868 01:09:04,037 --> 01:09:06,317 Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say. 869 01:09:06,397 --> 01:09:09,678 Enough of this gay banter. Mr. Anchovy, you asked us to advise you... 870 01:09:09,758 --> 01:09:12,318 which job in life you were best suited for. 871 01:09:12,398 --> 01:09:14,639 - That is correct. - Well. I have the results here... 872 01:09:14,719 --> 01:09:17,479 of all the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week... 873 01:09:17,559 --> 01:09:21,760 and from them we've built up clear impression of the person you are... 874 01:09:21,840 --> 01:09:24,721 and I think I can say without fear of contradiction... 875 01:09:24,801 --> 01:09:27,161 that the ideal job for you is accountancy. 876 01:09:28,201 --> 01:09:29,642 But I am an accountant. 877 01:09:29,722 --> 01:09:32,682 Jolly good. Well, back to the office with you then. 878 01:09:32,762 --> 01:09:34,603 No, no, you don't understand. 879 01:09:34,683 --> 01:09:37,003 I've been an accountant for the Iast 20 years. 880 01:09:37,083 --> 01:09:40,004 But I want a new job, something exciting that will let me live. 881 01:09:40,084 --> 01:09:42,324 But accountancy is quite exciting. 882 01:09:42,404 --> 01:09:45,365 Exciting? No, it's not. 883 01:09:45,445 --> 01:09:47,965 It's dull, dull, dull! 884 01:09:48,045 --> 01:09:50,366 My God, it's dull. 885 01:09:50,406 --> 01:09:53,287 It's so deadly dull and tedious... 886 01:09:53,367 --> 01:09:57,167 and stuffy and boring and desperately dull! 887 01:09:57,247 --> 01:10:00,008 I can't stand it any longer. I want to live. 888 01:10:00,088 --> 01:10:03,369 Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but, you see, in your report here... 889 01:10:03,409 --> 01:10:06,729 it says that you are an extremely dull person. 890 01:10:08,010 --> 01:10:10,210 Our experts describe you as... 891 01:10:10,250 --> 01:10:13,051 "an appallingly dull fellow", "unimaginative",... 892 01:10:13,131 --> 01:10:16,531 "timid, spineless, " "easily dominated",... 893 01:10:16,611 --> 01:10:19,292 "no sense of humor", "tedious company"... 894 01:10:19,372 --> 01:10:21,572 and "irrepressibly drab and awful". 895 01:10:21,612 --> 01:10:24,613 And where as in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks... 896 01:10:24,693 --> 01:10:26,853 in accountancy they are a positive boon. 897 01:10:26,933 --> 01:10:30,494 I'm only as awful as this because accountancy does this to people. 898 01:10:30,574 --> 01:10:33,095 Can't you help me? 899 01:10:33,135 --> 01:10:35,135 Any idea of what you want to be? 900 01:10:35,215 --> 01:10:37,856 - Yes. Yes, I have. - What is it? 901 01:10:37,936 --> 01:10:40,296 A lion tamer. 902 01:10:42,417 --> 01:10:45,337 Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it... 903 01:10:45,417 --> 01:10:47,818 accountancy to lion taming in one go? 904 01:10:47,898 --> 01:10:51,858 Don't think it'd be better to work your way towards lion taming via banking? 905 01:10:51,938 --> 01:10:54,139 - Or insurance? - No! I don't want to wait. 906 01:10:54,219 --> 01:10:56,499 I want to start immediately. Tomorrow morning at 9:00... 907 01:10:56,539 --> 01:10:58,660 I want to be in there, taming. 908 01:10:58,740 --> 01:11:01,940 Yes, but what qualifications do you have? 909 01:11:02,020 --> 01:11:04,581 - I've got a hat. - A hat? 910 01:11:04,661 --> 01:11:07,462 Yes, a lion taming hat, a hat with "Lion Tamer" written on it... 911 01:11:07,542 --> 01:11:10,702 and it lights up, saying "Lion Tamer" in big red neon letters... 912 01:11:10,742 --> 01:11:12,663 so you can tame them after dark. 913 01:11:12,743 --> 01:11:15,183 - I see. - During the day, you switch it off... 914 01:11:15,223 --> 01:11:18,504 and you can claim it as reasonable wear and tear under "allowable expenses"... 915 01:11:18,584 --> 01:11:20,464 under paragraph 335... 916 01:11:20,504 --> 01:11:23,465 Yes. I follow. But, you see, the snag is... 917 01:11:23,545 --> 01:11:25,865 if I now call the service and say to them... 918 01:11:25,945 --> 01:11:30,066 "I've got a 45-year-old accountant who wants to become a lion tamer"... 919 01:11:30,146 --> 01:11:34,027 their first question is not going to be "Does he have his own hat?" 920 01:11:34,107 --> 01:11:38,068 They're more likely to ask what experience you've had with lions. 921 01:11:38,108 --> 01:11:41,628 - I've seen'em at the zoo. - Good. 922 01:11:41,709 --> 01:11:45,589 Little brown, furry creatures with short, stumpy legs and great long noses. 923 01:11:45,629 --> 01:11:48,230 I could tame one of those. I don't know what all the fuss is about. 924 01:11:48,310 --> 01:11:50,390 Look pretty tame to start with. 925 01:11:50,470 --> 01:11:53,031 And these lions, how high are they? 926 01:11:53,111 --> 01:11:56,912 Oh, about so high. They don't frighten me at all. 927 01:11:56,992 --> 01:11:59,112 And do these Iions eat ants? 928 01:11:59,192 --> 01:12:01,032 Yes, that's right. 929 01:12:02,273 --> 01:12:07,354 Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater. 930 01:12:07,434 --> 01:12:10,514 - A what? - An anteater, not a lion. 931 01:12:10,594 --> 01:12:12,875 You see a lion, is a huge savage beast... 932 01:12:12,955 --> 01:12:15,035 about ten-foot long, five-foot high... 933 01:12:15,115 --> 01:12:17,476 with masses of sharp, pointy teeth... 934 01:12:17,516 --> 01:12:19,636 and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws. 935 01:12:19,716 --> 01:12:21,677 It looks like this. 936 01:12:23,717 --> 01:12:27,198 - Now. shall I call the circus? - No! 937 01:12:27,238 --> 01:12:30,118 I like your idea of making the move... 938 01:12:30,158 --> 01:12:32,119 to lion taming by easy stages... 939 01:12:32,199 --> 01:12:34,999 say by insurance or banking. 940 01:12:35,079 --> 01:12:37,400 - Banking? - Yes, banking. I see it now. 941 01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:39,520 It's a man's life, isn't it? Travel. excitement... 942 01:12:39,560 --> 01:12:43,561 decisions affecting people's lives, romance, thrills. 943 01:12:43,641 --> 01:12:45,721 I'll put you in touch with the bank. 944 01:12:48,082 --> 01:12:49,842 Probably. 945 01:12:49,922 --> 01:12:53,283 I'd like a couple of days to think about it, 'cause it is a big decision. 946 01:12:53,363 --> 01:12:55,523 Or maybe, maybe a week, at most, you know? 947 01:12:55,603 --> 01:12:59,644 But I do want to make this decision. I'd like to do banking... 948 01:12:59,724 --> 01:13:01,285 It's sad, isn't it... 949 01:13:01,325 --> 01:13:04,285 that this is what accountancy does to people? 950 01:13:04,365 --> 01:13:08,086 The only way that we can fight this terrible, debilitating social disease... 951 01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:11,327 I only want to be famous. I only want to see my name in lights. 952 01:13:11,407 --> 01:13:13,287 And so you shall. 953 01:13:21,529 --> 01:13:23,049 Cue! 954 01:13:28,970 --> 01:13:31,331 Hello, good evening, and welcome to "Blackmail." 955 01:13:31,411 --> 01:13:34,851 To start tonight's program, we go north to Preston in Lancashire... 956 01:13:34,931 --> 01:13:36,772 and Mrs. Betty Teal. 957 01:13:38,292 --> 01:13:42,853 Hello Mrs. Teal. Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for $15... 958 01:13:42,933 --> 01:13:46,694 and is to stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton. 959 01:13:46,774 --> 01:13:49,774 So, Mrs. Teal, send us $15 by return of post, please... 960 01:13:49,854 --> 01:13:53,615 and your husband Trevor and your lovely children Diane, Janice and Juliet... 961 01:13:53,655 --> 01:13:57,816 need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. 962 01:14:03,137 --> 01:14:06,178 Now, a letter, a series of photographs... 963 01:14:06,258 --> 01:14:09,498 and a hotel registration book which could add up to divorce... 964 01:14:09,538 --> 01:14:12,339 premature retirement and possible criminal proceedings... 965 01:14:12,379 --> 01:14:14,780 for a company director in Bromsgrove. 966 01:14:14,820 --> 01:14:16,900 He's a Freemason and a conservative M.P. 967 01:14:16,980 --> 01:14:20,501 So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove, that's $3,000, please... 968 01:14:20,581 --> 01:14:24,902 to stop us revealing your name, the name of the three other people involved... 969 01:14:24,982 --> 01:14:27,062 the youth organization to which they belong... 970 01:14:27,102 --> 01:14:29,342 and the shop where you bought the equipment. 971 01:14:36,664 --> 01:14:39,825 Well, we'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the program... 972 01:14:39,905 --> 01:14:43,585 unless we hear from Charles or Michael. 973 01:14:43,665 --> 01:14:46,066 Now it's time for our "Stop The Film" spot. 974 01:14:46,146 --> 01:14:47,986 The rules are very simple. 975 01:14:48,066 --> 01:14:50,427 We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes... 976 01:14:50,467 --> 01:14:54,428 and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's career. 977 01:14:54,508 --> 01:14:57,628 But the victim may phone me at any time and stop the film. 978 01:14:57,708 --> 01:15:00,749 But don't forget, the money increases as the film goes on... 979 01:15:00,829 --> 01:15:03,669 so the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay. 980 01:15:03,749 --> 01:15:08,470 So, with the clock at $300 this week's "Stop the Film" visited Temstead. 981 01:15:58,721 --> 01:16:00,961 He's a very brave man. 982 01:16:07,322 --> 01:16:09,883 No, sir. No. 983 01:16:09,963 --> 01:16:12,443 I'm sure you didn't, sir. No, that's all right. 984 01:16:12,523 --> 01:16:15,244 We don't morally censure. We just want the money. 985 01:16:15,324 --> 01:16:17,324 And here's the address to send it to: 986 01:16:21,525 --> 01:16:23,926 Thank you, sir. 987 01:16:26,286 --> 01:16:28,847 Ah. There you are. 988 01:16:28,887 --> 01:16:31,247 Well, that's quite enough of that. 989 01:16:31,287 --> 01:16:33,168 And now... 990 01:16:36,048 --> 01:16:40,769 a local civic group reenacts a famous scene from history. 991 01:16:40,849 --> 01:16:44,970 This week, the Townswomen Guild of Sheffield in Yorkshire. 992 01:16:45,050 --> 01:16:46,530 Miss Rita Fairbanks... 993 01:16:46,610 --> 01:16:49,411 you organized this representation of the Battle of Pearl Harbor. 994 01:16:49,491 --> 01:16:50,931 Why? 995 01:16:51,011 --> 01:16:54,012 Weve always been extremely interested in modern works. 996 01:16:54,092 --> 01:16:58,573 We were the first townswomen's guild to perform "Camp on Blood Island"... 997 01:16:58,653 --> 01:17:00,213 and, of course, last year... 998 01:17:00,293 --> 01:17:04,334 we did our extremely popular reenactment of Nazi war atrocities... 999 01:17:04,414 --> 01:17:07,375 so this year we thought we'd do something in a much lighter vein. 1000 01:17:07,455 --> 01:17:10,575 I can see that you're all ready to go, so I'Il just wish you good luck... 1001 01:17:10,655 --> 01:17:13,136 in your latest venture, "The Battle of Pearl Harbor." 1002 01:17:13,216 --> 01:17:16,536 Thank you very much indeed, young man. 1003 01:17:42,702 --> 01:17:44,302 Oh, Brian. 1004 01:17:44,382 --> 01:17:46,222 Oh, Elsbeth. 1005 01:17:56,264 --> 01:17:58,945 Be gentle with me. 1006 01:18:30,511 --> 01:18:34,952 Oh, Brian, are you gonna do anything or just show me films all evening? 1007 01:18:34,992 --> 01:18:36,593 Just one more, dear. 1008 01:18:47,315 --> 01:18:49,995 Good afternoon, and welcome to Brantley Park... 1009 01:18:50,035 --> 01:18:52,996 just as the competitors are running out onto the field... 1010 01:18:53,076 --> 01:18:55,836 on this lovely winter afternoon with the going firm under foot... 1011 01:18:55,916 --> 01:18:57,797 and very little sign of rain. 1012 01:18:57,877 --> 01:19:00,237 Looks like we're in for a splendid afternoon sport... 1013 01:19:00,277 --> 01:19:04,078 on this, the 127th "Upper Class Twit of the Year" show. 1014 01:19:04,118 --> 01:19:07,599 There's a big crowd here today to see these prize idiots in action. 1015 01:19:07,679 --> 01:19:09,159 Vivian Smith Smythe Smith. 1016 01:19:09,239 --> 01:19:11,320 He's in the Grenadier Guards, and can count to four. 1017 01:19:11,400 --> 01:19:13,080 Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris. 1018 01:19:13,160 --> 01:19:15,961 He's an old Italian and married to an attractive table lamp. 1019 01:19:16,001 --> 01:19:18,841 Nigel Incubator Jones. His best friend is a tree... 1020 01:19:18,881 --> 01:19:21,002 and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. 1021 01:19:21,082 --> 01:19:23,642 Javais Brookhamster. He's in the wine trade... 1022 01:19:23,722 --> 01:19:26,043 and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. 1023 01:19:26,083 --> 01:19:29,043 And finally, Oliver Singen Mollusk, another old Italian. 1024 01:19:29,083 --> 01:19:32,044 His father was a cabinet minister and his mother won the derby. 1025 01:19:32,124 --> 01:19:34,724 He's thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. 1026 01:19:34,804 --> 01:19:37,605 And now the twits are moving up to the starting line... 1027 01:19:37,685 --> 01:19:40,486 and any moment now they'll be under starter's orders. 1028 01:19:40,566 --> 01:19:42,406 I'm afraid they're facing the wrong way at the moment... 1029 01:19:42,486 --> 01:19:44,326 the wrong way at the moment, but the starter will sort this out. 1030 01:19:44,406 --> 01:19:49,327 Any moment now they're going to have the big off. This is always a tense moment. 1031 01:19:49,407 --> 01:19:51,128 And they're off! 1032 01:19:51,168 --> 01:19:54,768 No, they're not. They didn't realize that they had to start with the gun. 1033 01:19:54,848 --> 01:19:58,049 I think the starter has explained to them. Several are beginning to point. 1034 01:19:58,129 --> 01:20:00,450 And ready again, and off again! 1035 01:20:00,490 --> 01:20:02,370 This time, yes, a really fast start! 1036 01:20:02,410 --> 01:20:05,811 It's Vivian going for the lead Oliver's running wide to the right! 1037 01:20:05,891 --> 01:20:08,451 And to the left but, he'll soon pick up the line... 1038 01:20:08,531 --> 01:20:11,172 into the first event which is, walking along a straight line. 1039 01:20:11,252 --> 01:20:13,852 The twits have to walk along these lines without falling over. 1040 01:20:13,892 --> 01:20:16,373 This is Oliver's worst event. He's having a little trouble. 1041 01:20:16,453 --> 01:20:19,253 Simon's coming through. Nigel's coming through. 1042 01:20:19,333 --> 01:20:22,454 Oliver's over at the back. Never mind. He'll get up. He's a great fighter. 1043 01:20:22,534 --> 01:20:24,454 He's having... Oh dear, never mind. 1044 01:20:24,534 --> 01:20:27,335 We're coming to the second event, the matchbox jump. 1045 01:20:27,415 --> 01:20:30,816 Two layers of matchboxes for the twits to clear. Nigel and Simon are over! 1046 01:20:30,856 --> 01:20:32,896 And Vivian has refused. 1047 01:20:32,976 --> 01:20:35,177 And now, it's "Kicking the Beggar". 1048 01:20:35,257 --> 01:20:39,177 And Nigel to put the brogue in there! Oh, beautifully placed! 1049 01:20:39,257 --> 01:20:41,578 The beggar is down, and the crowd really loved it! 1050 01:20:41,658 --> 01:20:44,298 And here it's Oliver. He hasn't cleared the jump. 1051 01:20:44,378 --> 01:20:46,619 Oh, if only his father could understand. 1052 01:20:46,699 --> 01:20:49,179 And now it's "Running Over the Old Lady". 1053 01:20:49,259 --> 01:20:52,740 Simon in the lead and he's done it beautifully, right in the midriff. 1054 01:20:52,820 --> 01:20:55,661 Back to Oliver. Oh, he's magnificent, this man. 1055 01:20:55,701 --> 01:20:57,981 He doesn't know when he's beaten. He doesn't know what he's winning either. 1056 01:20:58,061 --> 01:21:02,022 He has no sort of sensory apparatus known to man. Bad luck. Oliver. 1057 01:21:02,102 --> 01:21:04,983 And now, it's "Waking the Neighbor". Simon's there at the front. 1058 01:21:05,063 --> 01:21:09,304 He's slamming that door, and woken the neighbor Simon's moved into first. 1059 01:21:09,384 --> 01:21:11,224 The crowd is really excited! 1060 01:21:11,304 --> 01:21:13,264 And now it's "Shooting the Rabbits". 1061 01:21:13,344 --> 01:21:17,025 These rabbits have been staked to the ground so they can't move too much... 1062 01:21:17,105 --> 01:21:20,386 as this is only a one-day event. 1063 01:21:20,466 --> 01:21:23,826 There's mist there which I think is causing the twits a bit of trouble. 1064 01:21:23,906 --> 01:21:26,427 And Javais is using the butt of his rifle! 1065 01:21:26,507 --> 01:21:28,988 Vivian's going in with a fist, and Javais is first away! 1066 01:21:29,068 --> 01:21:31,548 And Oliver has run himself over! 1067 01:21:31,628 --> 01:21:33,468 What a great twit! 1068 01:21:33,548 --> 01:21:36,909 And now, it's "Taking the Bras off the Debutantes from the Back". 1069 01:21:36,989 --> 01:21:39,990 This is a particularly difficult event for most of the twits... 1070 01:21:40,070 --> 01:21:42,950 one of the ones that takes the most time on this exacting course. 1071 01:21:43,030 --> 01:21:47,311 The crowd are getting excited, and I think the twits are getting excited too. 1072 01:21:47,391 --> 01:21:51,112 And it's Simon into the lead, closely followed by Nigel! 1073 01:21:51,192 --> 01:21:53,192 And it's the final event now! 1074 01:21:53,272 --> 01:21:56,193 They have to shoot themselves to become upper class twit of the year. 1075 01:21:56,273 --> 01:21:59,714 Simon can't get the bra off his finger it's Nigel there! 1076 01:21:59,794 --> 01:22:01,834 Nigel misses! Simon's missing! 1077 01:22:01,914 --> 01:22:04,715 Nigel misses again! And Javais has shot himself! 1078 01:22:04,795 --> 01:22:07,755 Javais is upper class twit of the year! 1079 01:22:07,835 --> 01:22:09,996 Vivian is there! He's not having any luck! 1080 01:22:10,076 --> 01:22:13,156 Simon shoots. Simon has shot Vivian! 1081 01:22:13,236 --> 01:22:15,797 Simon has shot Vivian into second place. 1082 01:22:15,877 --> 01:22:18,518 And Simon shoots himself. Simon is third. 1083 01:22:18,558 --> 01:22:22,038 And Nigel clubs himself into fourth place! 1084 01:22:22,078 --> 01:22:23,959 And so, the final result: 1085 01:22:23,999 --> 01:22:25,879 first and upper class twit of the year... 1086 01:22:25,919 --> 01:22:27,959 Javais Brookhamster of Kensington... 1087 01:22:28,039 --> 01:22:30,560 runner up, Vivian Smith Smythe Smith of Mayfair... 1088 01:22:30,640 --> 01:22:33,281 and third, Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris of Kensington.