1 00:01:22,329 --> 00:01:23,990 Thorny. 2 00:01:32,139 --> 00:01:34,505 You call this a report card? 3 00:01:34,541 --> 00:01:37,305 What kind of marks is these? 4 00:01:37,344 --> 00:01:40,313 How you gonna go to college with marks like these? 5 00:01:40,347 --> 00:01:41,609 I don't want to go to college. 6 00:01:41,648 --> 00:01:43,309 I want to work in the shop with you. 7 00:01:43,350 --> 00:01:45,113 You want to work in the shop with me, huh? 8 00:01:45,152 --> 00:01:47,017 Listen to me. 9 00:01:47,054 --> 00:01:49,818 I said it once, and I'll say it again... 10 00:01:49,857 --> 00:01:52,655 I don't care how rich or successful a man is... 11 00:01:52,693 --> 00:01:55,594 if he don't got an education, he's got nothing. 12 00:01:55,629 --> 00:01:58,598 - I tried, Pop. I can't do it. - Then try harder! 13 00:02:03,871 --> 00:02:07,432 You can do anything in life you want to do. 14 00:02:07,474 --> 00:02:11,638 Remember... you're a Meloni. 15 00:04:21,975 --> 00:04:23,943 Hi there. Are you a large person? 16 00:04:23,977 --> 00:04:26,605 Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps? 17 00:04:26,647 --> 00:04:28,979 Well, let's face it. Are you fat? 18 00:04:29,016 --> 00:04:30,984 When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? 19 00:04:31,018 --> 00:04:33,213 When you make love, do you have to give directions? 20 00:04:33,253 --> 00:04:35,517 At the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts? 21 00:04:35,555 --> 00:04:37,580 Do you look at a menu and say, "OK"? 22 00:04:37,624 --> 00:04:39,421 Well, now you can eat all you want... 23 00:04:39,459 --> 00:04:41,393 because at Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat stores... 24 00:04:41,428 --> 00:04:42,656 we've got you covered. 25 00:04:42,696 --> 00:04:45,256 That's right... fine woolen and woolen blend suits... 26 00:04:45,299 --> 00:04:47,426 and sport coats in all the larger sizes... 27 00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:51,164 husky, stout, extra-stout and the new Hindenburg line. 28 00:04:51,204 --> 00:04:53,764 And for you ladies, we have caftans, muumuus... 29 00:04:53,807 --> 00:04:56,799 and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns. 30 00:04:56,843 --> 00:04:59,403 Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric. 31 00:04:59,446 --> 00:05:01,414 So take it from me, Thornton Melon... 32 00:05:01,448 --> 00:05:04,940 if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people. 33 00:05:04,985 --> 00:05:08,716 Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat... 150 locations across America. 34 00:05:08,755 --> 00:05:11,280 Lou, did you see the new spot? 35 00:05:11,325 --> 00:05:12,451 Yeah, I seen it. 36 00:05:12,492 --> 00:05:13,789 Do I look fat in it? 37 00:05:13,827 --> 00:05:15,488 You could lose a couple of pounds. 38 00:05:15,529 --> 00:05:18,828 I gotta get bigger actors. 39 00:05:21,401 --> 00:05:24,734 Pocahontas, how are you? Ophelia, hold some of my calls. 40 00:05:24,771 --> 00:05:27,171 Yes, sir, Mr. Melon. 41 00:05:30,177 --> 00:05:31,144 Good morning, everyone. 42 00:05:31,178 --> 00:05:33,305 Morning. 43 00:05:33,347 --> 00:05:35,008 Take it easy, will ya? 44 00:05:35,048 --> 00:05:38,540 And don't get any on the walls. 45 00:05:38,585 --> 00:05:40,746 OK, folks. What's up? 46 00:05:40,787 --> 00:05:42,846 Mr. Melon, we have a serious offer... 47 00:05:42,889 --> 00:05:45,858 on your commercial property in south Florida... 48 00:05:45,892 --> 00:05:47,883 and we feel you should sell. 49 00:05:47,928 --> 00:05:50,692 No. Hold it for one more year, take the depreciation... 50 00:05:50,731 --> 00:05:53,291 then transfer title to the California Corporation. 51 00:05:53,333 --> 00:05:55,528 Show it as a capital gain. We should do great. 52 00:05:58,372 --> 00:05:59,566 What else? 53 00:05:59,606 --> 00:06:01,870 The toy division has come up with a new doll idea... 54 00:06:01,908 --> 00:06:04,536 to go along with our children's clothing line. 55 00:06:04,578 --> 00:06:07,376 We call them Melon Patch Kids. 56 00:06:07,414 --> 00:06:09,712 Now, the competition exploits the notion... 57 00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:12,480 that their dolls are orphans. 58 00:06:12,519 --> 00:06:15,750 The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans. 59 00:06:15,789 --> 00:06:17,950 They're abandoned. 60 00:06:17,991 --> 00:06:19,458 We think it's a winner. 61 00:06:19,493 --> 00:06:20,790 OK, go with it. 62 00:06:20,827 --> 00:06:23,193 But keep the unit cost under five bucks. 63 00:06:23,230 --> 00:06:26,393 Last year, we took a bath on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys. 64 00:06:26,433 --> 00:06:28,867 - Jason's on the phone. - Jason. 65 00:06:28,902 --> 00:06:31,427 OK, everybody, take a break. 66 00:06:31,471 --> 00:06:35,601 Excuse me, Mr. Melon, but we have a very long agenda. 67 00:06:35,642 --> 00:06:38,770 - Later. My son's on the phone. - But, Mr. Melon! 68 00:06:38,812 --> 00:06:40,803 Beat it, punk. 69 00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:44,810 Jason, how are you? 70 00:06:44,851 --> 00:06:46,785 How you doin'? How's the diving going? 71 00:06:46,820 --> 00:06:49,584 Oh, it's great. We just finished up practice. 72 00:06:49,623 --> 00:06:51,818 Oh, keep it up, keep it up! And the fraternity... 73 00:06:51,858 --> 00:06:53,826 I'll bet you're having fun in the fraternity, huh? 74 00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:56,920 What do you think? Yeah, it's great. 75 00:06:56,963 --> 00:06:58,555 Oh, that's great. 76 00:06:58,598 --> 00:07:01,158 You're not doing too much, are you? You studying? 77 00:07:01,201 --> 00:07:03,465 Well, right now, we're between semesters... 78 00:07:03,503 --> 00:07:05,471 so classes don't start up again for another week. 79 00:07:05,505 --> 00:07:07,769 No classes? Then come home. 80 00:07:07,808 --> 00:07:09,571 Tonight, your mother and I are having a big party. 81 00:07:09,609 --> 00:07:10,974 It's our fifth anniversary. 82 00:07:11,011 --> 00:07:15,277 Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother, she's your wife... 83 00:07:15,315 --> 00:07:17,476 and I don't get the feeling she wants me around. 84 00:07:17,517 --> 00:07:20,008 OK, let's not start that again. 85 00:07:20,053 --> 00:07:22,351 I'll tell you what. I'll come up there to see you. 86 00:07:22,389 --> 00:07:24,357 No. Bad. Bad idea. 87 00:07:24,391 --> 00:07:26,382 I got this big dive meet coming up. 88 00:07:26,426 --> 00:07:28,758 I gotta practice. I wouldn't have any time to see you. 89 00:07:28,795 --> 00:07:31,821 - It's a rotten time. - OK. I understand. 90 00:07:31,865 --> 00:07:33,025 Look, Dad, I promise... 91 00:07:33,066 --> 00:07:35,330 I'll come down for a visit next break I get, OK? 92 00:07:35,368 --> 00:07:38,269 All right? Look, I gotta go, OK? 93 00:07:38,305 --> 00:07:39,431 OK, Jason. 94 00:07:39,473 --> 00:07:41,498 Take care of yourself. I love you. 95 00:07:41,541 --> 00:07:44,567 Yeah, I love you, too. All right. Bye-bye. 96 00:07:44,611 --> 00:07:46,579 Melon, I told you to clean my locker. 97 00:07:46,613 --> 00:07:48,205 If it's too much for you... 98 00:07:48,248 --> 00:07:50,079 we'll get ourselves a new towel boy. 99 00:07:50,116 --> 00:07:54,177 Right. Look, I'm sorry, Chas. I'll get on it as soon as I can. 100 00:08:11,104 --> 00:08:12,332 Home sweet home. 101 00:08:12,372 --> 00:08:15,170 - I liked the old house better. - So did I. 102 00:08:15,208 --> 00:08:16,835 I liked the old wife better, too. 103 00:08:16,877 --> 00:08:19,812 Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. 104 00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:21,973 Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. 105 00:08:22,015 --> 00:08:23,915 Seems like yesterday. 106 00:08:23,950 --> 00:08:26,475 And you know what a lousy day yesterday was. 107 00:08:31,258 --> 00:08:34,091 Please don't throw your clothes on the Breuer chair. 108 00:08:34,127 --> 00:08:37,062 How come all our furniture has names? 109 00:08:37,097 --> 00:08:39,565 I have absolutely nothing to wear. 110 00:08:39,599 --> 00:08:41,760 You got six closets full of nothing to wear. 111 00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:44,668 Are you saying I spend too much money? 112 00:08:44,704 --> 00:08:46,569 You, spend too much money? No. 113 00:08:46,606 --> 00:08:50,337 Lots of people go to Switzerland to get their watch fixed. 114 00:08:50,377 --> 00:08:53,107 You have no taste, Thornton. 115 00:08:53,146 --> 00:08:55,205 You're right. I married you, didn't I? 116 00:08:55,248 --> 00:08:56,545 I don't have time to argue. 117 00:08:56,583 --> 00:08:58,050 Our friends will be here any minute. 118 00:08:58,084 --> 00:08:59,415 You mean your friends. 119 00:08:59,452 --> 00:09:02,319 They are my friends, and I'd like to keep them. 120 00:09:02,355 --> 00:09:04,255 So please, just behave yourself tonight. 121 00:09:04,291 --> 00:09:07,192 Don't worry. If the roast beef is right, they'll be back. 122 00:09:12,566 --> 00:09:14,830 Jennifer, you look divine. 123 00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:17,701 And, Peter, I thought you were still in Portofino. 124 00:09:17,737 --> 00:09:20,604 Why haven't you called? 125 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,234 - She's a lovely gal. - Oh, yes, she is. 126 00:09:23,276 --> 00:09:25,904 Oh, Ramon, you look fantastic. 127 00:09:25,946 --> 00:09:28,244 I thought you were still in Tijuana. 128 00:09:28,281 --> 00:09:31,341 - Excuse me, se�or? - Nothing. It's all right. 129 00:09:31,384 --> 00:09:33,909 - Gimme a beer. - I'm sorry, se�or. 130 00:09:33,954 --> 00:09:36,787 All we have is martinis and champagne. 131 00:09:36,823 --> 00:09:39,053 My own house, I can't get a beer. 132 00:09:39,092 --> 00:09:42,584 Mrs. Melon gave us strict orders... no cerveza. 133 00:09:42,629 --> 00:09:44,995 It's all right. I'll get it myself. 134 00:10:01,881 --> 00:10:03,348 Hey! Adam and evil. 135 00:10:05,986 --> 00:10:07,851 Mr. Melon. 136 00:10:07,887 --> 00:10:09,787 We was just... 137 00:10:09,823 --> 00:10:12,815 Iooking for some cocktail napkins. 138 00:10:12,859 --> 00:10:14,656 Where? Under her dress? 139 00:10:14,694 --> 00:10:16,491 You're impossible. 140 00:10:16,529 --> 00:10:17,860 And you're easy. 141 00:10:22,002 --> 00:10:24,402 I love Klimt, don't you? 142 00:10:24,437 --> 00:10:27,600 Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt. 143 00:10:27,641 --> 00:10:30,542 You too, huh? She's showin' it to everybody. 144 00:10:30,577 --> 00:10:32,807 - She's very proud of it. - I'm proud of mine, too. 145 00:10:32,846 --> 00:10:34,939 I don't wave it around at parties. 146 00:10:34,981 --> 00:10:37,472 - It's an exceptional painting. - Oh, the painting. 147 00:10:37,517 --> 00:10:40,179 Yeah. Drink up, enjoy yourself, huh? 148 00:10:45,659 --> 00:10:47,889 I hate small food, you know? 149 00:11:12,152 --> 00:11:14,120 Hey, buddy, come here, will you? 150 00:11:14,154 --> 00:11:16,088 Put your hand right over there, will you? 151 00:11:16,122 --> 00:11:18,113 I learned this in Europe. 152 00:11:24,497 --> 00:11:27,057 Look out, coming through. Hot stuff. Look out. 153 00:11:29,669 --> 00:11:31,637 I'd like you to meet Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant. 154 00:11:31,671 --> 00:11:32,763 Right, right. 155 00:11:32,806 --> 00:11:34,330 - How do you do? - Thornton! 156 00:11:37,143 --> 00:11:39,441 How you doin'? 157 00:11:41,781 --> 00:11:43,772 Hi there, sir. How are you? 158 00:11:46,252 --> 00:11:48,812 Never mind. I got my own here. It's all right. 159 00:11:51,291 --> 00:11:54,283 Millicent, you look charming. I love your dress. 160 00:11:54,327 --> 00:11:56,192 Don't you, Thornton? 161 00:11:56,229 --> 00:11:58,197 It's such a lovely shade of green. 162 00:11:58,231 --> 00:12:01,598 Yeah. If that dress had pockets, you'd look like a pool table. 163 00:12:01,634 --> 00:12:03,625 You should try my Tall and Fat stores. 164 00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:04,898 No offense. 165 00:12:07,941 --> 00:12:10,933 May I speak to you privately, please? 166 00:12:15,281 --> 00:12:17,272 Watch my sandwich, will you? 167 00:12:18,818 --> 00:12:20,945 I can't take any more of this! 168 00:12:20,987 --> 00:12:23,785 You've insulted our friends, you've insulted me... 169 00:12:23,823 --> 00:12:26,053 and you've gone out of your way to ruin this party. 170 00:12:26,092 --> 00:12:28,424 Party? Are you kiddin'? It's a dog show out there. 171 00:12:28,461 --> 00:12:31,055 Your friends, they come here for free food, free booze... 172 00:12:31,097 --> 00:12:33,190 and to suck up to you for donations. 173 00:12:33,233 --> 00:12:36,225 You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it. 174 00:12:36,269 --> 00:12:37,736 I want a divorce. 175 00:12:37,771 --> 00:12:40,331 Divorce. I knew we had something in common. 176 00:12:40,373 --> 00:12:41,863 Here, sign these. 177 00:12:44,410 --> 00:12:47,470 I'm afraid it's not gonna be that easy, honey. 178 00:12:47,514 --> 00:12:50,176 This is gonna cost you... plenty! 179 00:12:50,216 --> 00:12:52,411 Oh, yeah? 180 00:12:52,452 --> 00:12:54,977 Let's talk about class a minute, all right? 181 00:12:55,021 --> 00:12:56,989 Here's you and Giorgio in the guest room. 182 00:12:57,023 --> 00:12:58,684 Classy, isn't it? 183 00:12:58,725 --> 00:13:00,556 Here's you and Giorgio in the rumpus room. 184 00:13:00,593 --> 00:13:02,322 Another classy one, huh? 185 00:13:02,362 --> 00:13:05,229 This one I can't figure out. There's you, there's Giorgio... 186 00:13:05,265 --> 00:13:07,358 what's with the midget over here? 187 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,800 Hey, wait! I got more! 188 00:13:22,182 --> 00:13:23,342 What happened in there? 189 00:13:23,383 --> 00:13:25,044 What happened? 190 00:13:25,084 --> 00:13:28,781 I got rid of Vanessa. I feel like I just got paroled. 191 00:13:28,822 --> 00:13:31,017 I'll tell you what bothers me... 192 00:13:31,057 --> 00:13:33,389 I let her come between me and Jason. 193 00:13:33,426 --> 00:13:36,520 Lou, pack our bags. 194 00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:44,235 We're going up to that college to see my son! 195 00:14:21,374 --> 00:14:24,002 Boy, will Jason be surprised. 196 00:14:24,043 --> 00:14:27,012 Look, there's Greek letters. That must be the house. 197 00:14:46,833 --> 00:14:48,767 Is that an "amigo" or a unicorn? 198 00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:50,894 Beats me. Don't you know any Greek? 199 00:14:50,937 --> 00:14:53,030 The only Greek I know owns a coffee shop on State Street. 200 00:14:53,072 --> 00:14:55,597 Jimmy Pitsos, remember him? He had an ugly wife... 201 00:14:55,642 --> 00:14:58,475 four ugly kids, and good coffee. 202 00:14:58,511 --> 00:15:00,945 Wait here, I'll try this one. 203 00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:15,352 Hello, hello! 204 00:15:18,431 --> 00:15:20,922 Anybody here? 205 00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:23,800 Jason, where are you? 206 00:15:23,836 --> 00:15:26,566 Hey, I need some help here! 207 00:15:26,606 --> 00:15:29,837 Buddy, I'm talking to you. I need some help here! 208 00:15:29,876 --> 00:15:32,902 Take it easy, honey! I didn't see a thing. 209 00:15:32,946 --> 00:15:34,641 You're perfect. 210 00:15:34,681 --> 00:15:36,876 You jerk! 211 00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:39,043 Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. 212 00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:41,679 It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a bad day. 213 00:15:41,721 --> 00:15:44,485 Yeah, but a great view. You're all right, officer. 214 00:15:44,524 --> 00:15:46,048 Here, a little something for the kids. 215 00:15:46,092 --> 00:15:48,322 - Take that, it's OK. - I don't have any kids. 216 00:15:48,361 --> 00:15:50,329 No kids? Well, here, get yourself some kids. 217 00:15:50,363 --> 00:15:52,593 Take it all, all right? And just remember... 218 00:15:52,632 --> 00:15:55,157 the best thing about kids is making 'em. 219 00:15:56,970 --> 00:15:59,165 Even if I do manage to graduate... ha ha... 220 00:15:59,205 --> 00:16:01,605 what do I do then? There's the private sector... 221 00:16:01,641 --> 00:16:03,734 but look how bad the job market is. 222 00:16:03,776 --> 00:16:05,175 There's Valerie Desmond. 223 00:16:05,211 --> 00:16:06,974 See you guys. 224 00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:12,779 Look how tight her ass is today. 225 00:16:12,819 --> 00:16:15,515 Oh, man. You think there's any way... 226 00:16:15,555 --> 00:16:18,683 she would ever go out with me? 227 00:16:18,725 --> 00:16:21,023 - No. - Oh, thanks. 228 00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,221 It's this whole stupid capitalist system, you know? 229 00:16:23,262 --> 00:16:25,025 It's set up to heap rewards... 230 00:16:25,064 --> 00:16:26,656 on the advantaged and the aggressive... 231 00:16:26,699 --> 00:16:28,724 and to make sure that two regular schmoes... 232 00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:32,636 like you and me never get a date with girls like Valerie Desmond. 233 00:16:32,672 --> 00:16:35,607 I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school. 234 00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:37,609 Let me ask you something else, man. 235 00:16:37,643 --> 00:16:39,873 Do you make this bullshit up as you go along... 236 00:16:39,912 --> 00:16:42,403 - or do you actually read this? - I read this. It's Karl Marx. 237 00:16:42,448 --> 00:16:44,814 Famous book. "Proletarian Chicks in Bondage." 238 00:16:44,851 --> 00:16:47,319 It's a Condom House book. Comes with a leather hood. 239 00:16:47,353 --> 00:16:49,014 Is that the one with the pictures? 240 00:16:49,055 --> 00:16:50,352 - Can I borrow that? - Let's move on. 241 00:16:50,390 --> 00:16:53,154 Well, no, it's, you know... 242 00:16:53,192 --> 00:16:55,387 Oh, yeah. Well, you know. 243 00:16:57,463 --> 00:17:00,694 Dad, what are you doin' here? 244 00:17:00,733 --> 00:17:03,133 I'm robbin' your room, that's what I'm doin' here. 245 00:17:03,169 --> 00:17:04,932 We drive 300 miles to see the kid... 246 00:17:04,971 --> 00:17:08,031 that's the greeting we get. Come here, will ya? 247 00:17:09,442 --> 00:17:11,342 How ya doin' there? 248 00:17:11,377 --> 00:17:13,641 I'm sorry. I'm really glad to see you... 249 00:17:13,679 --> 00:17:15,442 but I wish I knew you were coming. 250 00:17:15,481 --> 00:17:16,812 I'll bet you did, huh? 251 00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:18,510 I looked for you at that fraternity house. 252 00:17:18,551 --> 00:17:20,883 - They said you weren't a member. - I can explain that. 253 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,251 They also told me you're not on the diving team. 254 00:17:22,288 --> 00:17:24,347 They said you were the towel boy. 255 00:17:24,390 --> 00:17:26,722 - I can explain that, too. - OK, explain it. 256 00:17:26,759 --> 00:17:29,592 - I lied. - Great. That explains it, huh? 257 00:17:29,629 --> 00:17:32,757 Jason, you don't lie to me. You lie to girls. 258 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,292 Who's this? 259 00:17:35,334 --> 00:17:37,461 Oh, I'm sorry. This is my roommate. 260 00:17:37,503 --> 00:17:38,470 That's Derek Lutz. 261 00:17:38,504 --> 00:17:41,234 This is the dad, and that's Lou. 262 00:17:41,274 --> 00:17:43,765 - Is that your real hair? - What do you think? 263 00:17:43,810 --> 00:17:46,938 I think you're trying to get back at your parents. 264 00:17:46,979 --> 00:17:49,106 Show me the campus. I want to talk to you. 265 00:17:49,148 --> 00:17:50,308 Oh, good. 266 00:17:58,057 --> 00:18:00,082 Boy, what a great-lookin' place. 267 00:18:00,126 --> 00:18:01,889 When I used to dream about going to college... 268 00:18:01,928 --> 00:18:03,555 this is the way I always pictured it. 269 00:18:03,596 --> 00:18:05,689 Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college? 270 00:18:05,731 --> 00:18:08,996 When I used to fall asleep in high school. 271 00:18:09,035 --> 00:18:10,969 Dad, I know how much all this means to you... 272 00:18:11,003 --> 00:18:14,370 - and I'm sorry I lied to you. - You don't have to lie to me. 273 00:18:14,407 --> 00:18:16,898 No matter what you do, I'll love you just the same. 274 00:18:16,943 --> 00:18:18,342 Will you love me no matter what? 275 00:18:18,377 --> 00:18:19,571 No matter what. 276 00:18:19,612 --> 00:18:22,308 - I'm droppin' out. - You're droppin' out? 277 00:18:22,348 --> 00:18:24,942 You just got here. You just started. 278 00:18:24,984 --> 00:18:26,952 I know, but I'm not making it here. 279 00:18:26,986 --> 00:18:29,181 I don't fit in, you know? I got one friend... Derek. 280 00:18:29,222 --> 00:18:31,247 He's got no friends. 281 00:18:31,290 --> 00:18:33,815 The girls don't like me, the fraternities don't want me. 282 00:18:33,860 --> 00:18:35,418 The diving coach won't even talk to me. 283 00:18:35,461 --> 00:18:37,486 Look at it this way... 284 00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:39,498 at least you're getting an education. 285 00:18:39,532 --> 00:18:42,092 Dad, last semester I got nothing but "Cs." 286 00:18:42,135 --> 00:18:43,932 A, B, C... you're in the top three. 287 00:18:43,970 --> 00:18:45,562 What are you worrying about? 288 00:18:45,605 --> 00:18:47,436 I just think I'd be a lot better off... 289 00:18:47,473 --> 00:18:49,031 gettin' a job or something. 290 00:18:49,075 --> 00:18:51,407 You never went to college. Look how great you're doin'. 291 00:18:51,444 --> 00:18:54,038 Jason, I said it before and I'll say it again. 292 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,310 I don't care how rich and successful a man is. 293 00:18:56,349 --> 00:18:57,941 Without an education, he's nothing. 294 00:18:57,984 --> 00:19:00,316 I mean, stay in school. Study harder. 295 00:19:00,353 --> 00:19:02,218 You can be whatever you want to be. 296 00:19:02,255 --> 00:19:03,722 You want to be a loser, be a loser. 297 00:19:03,756 --> 00:19:04,848 You want to be a winner, be a winner. 298 00:19:04,891 --> 00:19:07,121 Jason, it's up to you. You can do it. 299 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,061 Remember, you're a Melon! 300 00:19:10,096 --> 00:19:14,226 Dad, that's easy for you to say. You don't have to do any of it. 301 00:19:16,636 --> 00:19:18,968 OK, then. I'll do it with you. 302 00:19:20,306 --> 00:19:21,796 What do you mean, you'll do it with me? 303 00:19:21,841 --> 00:19:24,207 I mean just what I said. 304 00:19:24,243 --> 00:19:26,211 I'm going to college. What do you think? 305 00:19:26,245 --> 00:19:28,713 What do I think? I think you're nuts. 306 00:19:28,748 --> 00:19:32,548 Nuts, huh? Who made the rules? Come here. I'm going to college! 307 00:19:32,585 --> 00:19:34,109 I'm going to college! 308 00:19:37,023 --> 00:19:39,617 Let me get this straight, Mr. Melon. 309 00:19:39,659 --> 00:19:43,186 You wish to enter this widely esteemed... 310 00:19:43,229 --> 00:19:45,663 Grand Lakes University of ours as a freshman? 311 00:19:45,698 --> 00:19:47,495 That's right, Dean Martin. 312 00:19:48,634 --> 00:19:52,161 - Are you comfortable? - I'm fine, yeah. 313 00:19:52,205 --> 00:19:54,264 Oh, the chair. I'm sorry. 314 00:19:57,343 --> 00:20:00,176 This is an awkward moment for me, Mr. Melon... 315 00:20:00,213 --> 00:20:02,579 since I realize you're a highly respected member... 316 00:20:02,615 --> 00:20:04,105 of our business community. 317 00:20:04,150 --> 00:20:06,983 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 318 00:20:07,019 --> 00:20:10,580 Our student body here is handpicked by me... 319 00:20:10,623 --> 00:20:12,090 from the cr�me de la cr�me... 320 00:20:12,124 --> 00:20:15,252 of students all across this great land of ours. 321 00:20:15,294 --> 00:20:17,319 That's one of the things I like about this place. 322 00:20:17,363 --> 00:20:19,388 Yes. The point is, though... 323 00:20:19,432 --> 00:20:21,400 since you have no high school diploma... 324 00:20:21,434 --> 00:20:24,870 and no transcripts of any kind, no S.A.T. Scores... 325 00:20:24,904 --> 00:20:28,601 and you're 30 to 40 years older than our average freshman... 326 00:20:28,641 --> 00:20:31,371 how can this university ever see its way clear... 327 00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:33,810 to accept you as a student? 328 00:20:33,846 --> 00:20:36,406 As Calvin Coolidge once said... 329 00:20:36,449 --> 00:20:39,475 "The business of America is business"... 330 00:20:39,518 --> 00:20:42,043 and the business of an educational institution... 331 00:20:42,088 --> 00:20:44,716 such as ours is to create young minds... 332 00:20:44,757 --> 00:20:46,657 that understand that the business of America... 333 00:20:46,692 --> 00:20:50,389 is the kind of business that it actually is. 334 00:20:50,429 --> 00:20:54,422 So, whatever it is that I have said here today... 335 00:20:54,467 --> 00:20:59,097 the point is that we are here to honor... 336 00:20:59,138 --> 00:21:02,232 our most generous benefactor... 337 00:21:02,275 --> 00:21:05,005 and newest freshman... 338 00:21:05,044 --> 00:21:06,807 the man who's made it possible... 339 00:21:06,846 --> 00:21:09,747 for us to break ground here today... 340 00:21:09,782 --> 00:21:12,080 Mr. Thornton Melon. 341 00:21:15,221 --> 00:21:17,587 Dean Martin, great speech. 342 00:21:17,623 --> 00:21:19,989 There's nothing like good, clean business, huh? 343 00:21:20,026 --> 00:21:23,086 And a little monkey business. 344 00:21:23,129 --> 00:21:26,360 Oh, Philip. I'm so glad you could make it. 345 00:21:26,399 --> 00:21:28,799 Mr. Melon, I'd like for you to meet Dr. Philip Barbay... 346 00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:32,895 who's the dean of our school of business. 347 00:21:32,938 --> 00:21:34,701 David, I just want to get it on record... 348 00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:36,332 that I am totally against this. 349 00:21:36,375 --> 00:21:38,502 I don't think that selling admission... 350 00:21:38,544 --> 00:21:40,603 to an obviously unqualified student... 351 00:21:40,646 --> 00:21:43,137 is very ethical or honorable. 352 00:21:43,182 --> 00:21:46,709 Right, Phil, but I'd just like to say... 353 00:21:46,752 --> 00:21:49,050 in all fairness to Mr. Melon here... 354 00:21:49,088 --> 00:21:52,057 it was a really big check. 355 00:21:52,091 --> 00:21:54,184 It's a simple matter of this man's presence... 356 00:21:54,226 --> 00:21:57,195 undermining the efforts of our legitimate students... 357 00:21:57,229 --> 00:21:59,197 who are here as a result of hard work. 358 00:21:59,231 --> 00:22:00,528 Hard work? 359 00:22:00,566 --> 00:22:03,262 Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked away up here... 360 00:22:03,302 --> 00:22:05,270 working on your ethics, I was out there... 361 00:22:05,304 --> 00:22:07,329 busting my hump in the real world. 362 00:22:07,373 --> 00:22:09,568 And the reason guys like you got a place to teach... 363 00:22:09,608 --> 00:22:11,701 is 'cause guys like me donate buildings. 364 00:22:11,744 --> 00:22:14,975 I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon. 365 00:22:21,954 --> 00:22:24,218 I don't think Dr. Barbay understands... 366 00:22:24,256 --> 00:22:27,089 the actual amounts that are involved here. 367 00:22:27,126 --> 00:22:31,358 Mr. Melon, will you take the ceremonial shovel? 368 00:22:31,397 --> 00:22:32,364 Thank you. 369 00:22:32,398 --> 00:22:35,265 And dig into the symbolic dirt. 370 00:22:37,903 --> 00:22:42,863 I hereby dedicate this building to... myself. 371 00:22:55,087 --> 00:22:57,078 Now, Dad, it's just like we talked about. 372 00:22:57,123 --> 00:22:59,091 You sign up for whatever interests you, OK? 373 00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:00,854 We're gonna get on the astronomy line... 374 00:23:00,893 --> 00:23:02,884 before it closes up. See you later. 375 00:23:04,697 --> 00:23:08,656 Look at this. This is worse than the track. 376 00:23:08,701 --> 00:23:10,293 You want me to move some people for you? 377 00:23:10,336 --> 00:23:11,394 No, don't push anybody around. 378 00:23:11,437 --> 00:23:14,031 This is college. Let me think for a minute. 379 00:23:14,073 --> 00:23:15,665 What are you gonna do? 380 00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:18,074 Come on. I got an idea. 381 00:23:18,110 --> 00:23:19,077 Did you get everything you want? 382 00:23:19,111 --> 00:23:21,807 I got the Latin and the Sanskrit... 383 00:23:21,847 --> 00:23:23,474 but then they canceled my Ancient Greek. 384 00:23:23,516 --> 00:23:25,484 Just blew my whole dead languages motif. 385 00:23:25,518 --> 00:23:27,645 What are you looking at? 386 00:23:41,567 --> 00:23:43,967 You OK? 387 00:23:44,003 --> 00:23:47,530 Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. 388 00:23:47,573 --> 00:23:49,939 I'm just upset because they closed botany. 389 00:23:49,975 --> 00:23:51,943 Those bastards! 390 00:23:51,977 --> 00:23:54,138 Well, I'm not that upset. 391 00:23:55,481 --> 00:23:58,211 At least, I won't be if I get into astronomy. 392 00:23:58,250 --> 00:24:00,548 You want to cut into line with us? 393 00:24:00,586 --> 00:24:01,644 'Cause we're already waiting. 394 00:24:01,687 --> 00:24:04,520 Yes. Yeah, I would. 395 00:24:04,557 --> 00:24:05,649 Great. All right. 396 00:24:09,562 --> 00:24:11,427 Oh, this is Derek. 397 00:24:11,464 --> 00:24:14,297 Hi. 398 00:24:14,333 --> 00:24:16,130 I'm Valerie Desmond. 399 00:24:16,168 --> 00:24:18,159 Yeah, I know. 400 00:24:19,538 --> 00:24:22,507 - I'm Jason Melon. - Hi. 401 00:24:26,579 --> 00:24:28,809 - Hey, Valerie. - Hi. 402 00:24:28,848 --> 00:24:30,315 God, you look great. 403 00:24:30,349 --> 00:24:32,943 Thanks. Are you taking astronomy, too? 404 00:24:32,985 --> 00:24:34,885 Yeah, I guess so. 405 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,979 I don't really want to. I'm a business major. 406 00:24:37,022 --> 00:24:40,048 But for some reason, they want us to take a science. 407 00:24:40,092 --> 00:24:42,060 You mind if I sneak in the line with you? 408 00:24:42,094 --> 00:24:44,995 Actually, these guys were nice enough to let me in... 409 00:24:45,030 --> 00:24:48,431 so it's really up to them, I guess. 410 00:24:48,467 --> 00:24:50,230 Melon, buddy? 411 00:24:50,269 --> 00:24:52,760 Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK? 412 00:24:52,805 --> 00:24:55,239 I don't think so, Osbourne. 413 00:24:55,274 --> 00:24:57,333 Melon, your friend... straighten him out. 414 00:24:57,376 --> 00:24:58,968 Look, Chas, there's a lot of people waiting. 415 00:24:59,011 --> 00:25:01,605 It wouldn't really be fair. 416 00:25:01,647 --> 00:25:02,807 I'll tell you what. 417 00:25:02,848 --> 00:25:06,909 Maybe if you got a note from each of these people... 418 00:25:06,952 --> 00:25:09,079 saying that it was all right, then we'd reconsider... 419 00:25:09,121 --> 00:25:10,918 but until that day, take a hike... 420 00:25:10,956 --> 00:25:14,050 you elitist fraternity scumbag. 421 00:25:17,730 --> 00:25:19,789 I won't forget this, Melon. 422 00:25:19,832 --> 00:25:21,595 I'll see you at the pool. 423 00:25:21,634 --> 00:25:22,999 - Bye, Val. - Bye. 424 00:25:23,035 --> 00:25:24,627 Thank you. I'm dead. 425 00:25:24,670 --> 00:25:26,638 You're not gonna believe this! 426 00:25:26,672 --> 00:25:29,266 - You're kidding! - I'm not kidding! Just go! 427 00:25:29,308 --> 00:25:30,969 He's out there! 428 00:25:41,153 --> 00:25:44,554 Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! 429 00:25:49,495 --> 00:25:50,894 Where is he? 430 00:25:50,930 --> 00:25:52,056 I don't know, kid. 431 00:25:52,097 --> 00:25:53,792 All I know is I'm supposed to pick him up here. 432 00:25:53,832 --> 00:25:55,800 - When? - Now. 433 00:25:55,834 --> 00:25:58,530 Come on, let's register. 434 00:26:07,212 --> 00:26:08,736 Hey, you guys get everything you need? 435 00:26:08,781 --> 00:26:10,043 Oh, yeah, we got it. 436 00:26:10,082 --> 00:26:11,674 Good. What's with the used books? 437 00:26:11,717 --> 00:26:14,117 - What's wrong with used books? - They've already been read. 438 00:26:14,153 --> 00:26:15,950 And they've already been underlined. 439 00:26:15,988 --> 00:26:17,216 That's the problem. 440 00:26:17,256 --> 00:26:19,486 The guy who underlined them could have been a maniac. 441 00:26:19,525 --> 00:26:22,824 Get these guys some new books. 442 00:26:22,861 --> 00:26:25,796 Charge it to me, too. Here, pick a card. 443 00:26:26,999 --> 00:26:29,832 And I'm taking four of those school sweaters... 444 00:26:29,868 --> 00:26:32,564 a bunch of pennants, some of those beer mugs... 445 00:26:32,605 --> 00:26:35,199 a few of these fuzz balls you cheer with, and... 446 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,471 Hey, folks, it's on me! Shakespeare for everyone, OK? 447 00:26:40,079 --> 00:26:43,014 You, too, honey. I'd like to tame your shrew. 448 00:26:43,048 --> 00:26:46,882 - Who is that? - That is Mr. Thornton Melon... 449 00:26:46,919 --> 00:26:49,581 the world's oldest living freshman... 450 00:26:49,622 --> 00:26:52,648 and the walking epitome of the decline of modern education. 451 00:26:52,691 --> 00:26:55,091 The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter. 452 00:26:55,127 --> 00:26:57,425 I don't think so. He was just having fun. 453 00:26:57,463 --> 00:27:02,127 Oh, really? Well, I can't wait to get him in my class. 454 00:27:02,167 --> 00:27:04,294 We'll see how much fun he is then. 455 00:27:04,336 --> 00:27:05,496 Oh, Philip. 456 00:27:05,537 --> 00:27:08,563 Hey, Mr. M! You're all set. We've been working all night. 457 00:27:08,607 --> 00:27:10,165 We got it all done. 458 00:27:10,209 --> 00:27:12,040 Thanks, Buzzy. I appreciate it. 459 00:27:12,077 --> 00:27:15,376 Add a few hundred to the bill and throw your boys a party. 460 00:27:15,414 --> 00:27:18,542 You know what you got, Mr. M? You got class. 461 00:27:18,584 --> 00:27:21,781 It rubbed off from you, Buzzy. Say hello to Sonia for me, huh? 462 00:27:21,820 --> 00:27:23,014 You got it. 463 00:27:23,055 --> 00:27:25,956 I want to talk to you about my schedule. 464 00:27:25,991 --> 00:27:28,152 We'll go over it later. 465 00:27:40,973 --> 00:27:43,305 Well, boys, what do you think? 466 00:27:43,342 --> 00:27:45,207 Got a hot tub in there! 467 00:27:45,244 --> 00:27:47,405 How can you study if you're not relaxed? 468 00:27:47,446 --> 00:27:48,606 When's our first class? 469 00:27:48,647 --> 00:27:50,808 We got economics tomorrow at 11:00. 470 00:27:50,849 --> 00:27:52,009 11:00? No good. 471 00:27:52,051 --> 00:27:54,212 I got a massage at 11:00. Tell them to make it 2:00. 472 00:27:54,253 --> 00:27:57,416 No, Dad, you don't get it. 473 00:27:57,456 --> 00:28:01,586 They're not gonna reschedule the classes around your massage. 474 00:28:01,627 --> 00:28:04,187 All right, 11:00. But I'm gonna talk to that dean. 475 00:28:04,229 --> 00:28:06,720 These classes can be a real inconvenience. 476 00:28:06,765 --> 00:28:09,233 All right, settle down, people. 477 00:28:09,268 --> 00:28:12,260 We've got a lot to cover, and time is short. 478 00:28:16,075 --> 00:28:19,101 There are two kinds of people in business today... 479 00:28:19,144 --> 00:28:21,112 the quick and the dead. 480 00:28:21,146 --> 00:28:24,274 So, rather than waste your time this semester... 481 00:28:24,316 --> 00:28:26,750 with a lot of useless theories... 482 00:28:26,785 --> 00:28:28,810 we're going to jump right in with both feet... 483 00:28:28,854 --> 00:28:31,755 and create a fictional company from the ground up. 484 00:28:31,790 --> 00:28:34,816 We'll construct our physical plant... 485 00:28:34,860 --> 00:28:37,260 we'll set up an efficient administrative... 486 00:28:37,296 --> 00:28:39,093 and executive structure... 487 00:28:39,131 --> 00:28:42,726 then we'll manufacture our product and market it. 488 00:28:42,768 --> 00:28:45,430 I think you'll find it very interesting and a lot of fun. 489 00:28:45,471 --> 00:28:49,032 So, let's start by looking at construction costs... 490 00:28:49,074 --> 00:28:51,065 of our new factory. 491 00:28:51,110 --> 00:28:53,305 What's the product? 492 00:28:53,345 --> 00:28:54,539 That is immaterial... 493 00:28:54,580 --> 00:28:56,707 for the purposes of our discussion here... 494 00:28:56,749 --> 00:28:58,512 but if it makes you happy... 495 00:28:58,550 --> 00:29:00,711 let's say we're making tape recorders. 496 00:29:00,753 --> 00:29:02,744 Tape recorders? Are you kiddin'? 497 00:29:02,788 --> 00:29:06,246 The Japs will kill us on the labor costs. 498 00:29:06,291 --> 00:29:08,259 OK, fine. 499 00:29:08,293 --> 00:29:11,057 Then let's just say they're widgets. 500 00:29:11,096 --> 00:29:12,996 What's a widget? 501 00:29:13,031 --> 00:29:16,330 It's a fictional product. It doesn't matter. 502 00:29:16,368 --> 00:29:18,427 Doesn't matter. Tell that to the bank. 503 00:29:18,470 --> 00:29:20,597 Take it easy. It's the first day. 504 00:29:20,639 --> 00:29:24,097 On the board, you will see a cost analysis... 505 00:29:24,143 --> 00:29:26,737 for construction of a 30,000 square-foot facility... 506 00:29:26,779 --> 00:29:29,475 which will encompass both factory and office space... 507 00:29:29,515 --> 00:29:32,416 and is fully serviced by all utilities... 508 00:29:32,451 --> 00:29:35,614 a railroad spur line and a four-bay shipping dock. 509 00:29:35,654 --> 00:29:38,748 Hold it, hold it. Why build? You're better off leasing... 510 00:29:38,791 --> 00:29:41,259 at a buck and a quarter, a buck and a half a square foot. 511 00:29:41,293 --> 00:29:43,989 Take your down payment and put it into CDs... 512 00:29:44,029 --> 00:29:46,259 or something else you can roll over every couple of months. 513 00:29:46,298 --> 00:29:47,822 Thank you, Mr. Melon... 514 00:29:47,866 --> 00:29:50,664 but we'll be concentrating on finance... 515 00:29:50,702 --> 00:29:53,262 a little later in the term. 516 00:29:53,305 --> 00:29:55,432 For the time being, let's just concentrate... 517 00:29:55,474 --> 00:29:57,806 on the construction figures, shall we? 518 00:29:57,843 --> 00:30:01,040 You'll see the final bottom line requires the factoring in... 519 00:30:01,079 --> 00:30:03,547 of not just the material and construction costs... 520 00:30:03,582 --> 00:30:08,542 but also the architects' fees and the cost of land servicing. 521 00:30:08,587 --> 00:30:10,919 Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff. 522 00:30:10,956 --> 00:30:12,924 Oh, really? 523 00:30:12,958 --> 00:30:14,983 Like what, for instance? 524 00:30:15,027 --> 00:30:18,326 First of all, you have to grease the local politicians... 525 00:30:18,363 --> 00:30:20,558 for the sudden zoning problems that always come up. 526 00:30:20,599 --> 00:30:23,193 Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters. 527 00:30:23,235 --> 00:30:25,203 And if you plan on using any cement in this building... 528 00:30:25,237 --> 00:30:26,727 I'm sure the teamsters would like to have... 529 00:30:26,772 --> 00:30:28,831 a little chat with you, and that'll cost you. 530 00:30:28,874 --> 00:30:31,536 Don't forget a little something for the building inspectors. 531 00:30:31,577 --> 00:30:34,671 There's the long-term costs, such as waste disposal. 532 00:30:34,713 --> 00:30:36,738 I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business... 533 00:30:36,782 --> 00:30:38,841 but I assure you it's not the boy scouts. 534 00:30:38,884 --> 00:30:40,249 That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon. 535 00:30:40,285 --> 00:30:42,412 Maybe bribes and kickbacks... 536 00:30:42,454 --> 00:30:45,821 and Mafia payoffs are how you do business... 537 00:30:45,858 --> 00:30:48,622 but they are not part of the legitimate business world... 538 00:30:48,660 --> 00:30:50,560 and they're certainly not part of anything... 539 00:30:50,596 --> 00:30:53,064 I'm teaching in this class. Do I make myself clear? 540 00:30:53,098 --> 00:30:55,931 Sorry. Just trying to help. That's all. 541 00:30:55,968 --> 00:31:01,031 Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input... 542 00:31:01,073 --> 00:31:05,203 the next question for us is where to build our factory. 543 00:31:05,244 --> 00:31:07,678 How about Fantasyland? 544 00:31:11,216 --> 00:31:14,117 My first class. I did good, huh? 545 00:31:14,152 --> 00:31:16,552 You better cool it with Dr. Barbay. 546 00:31:16,588 --> 00:31:18,351 Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick. 547 00:31:18,390 --> 00:31:20,324 He really tells it like it ain't. 548 00:31:20,359 --> 00:31:22,919 Know what he knows how to do? Flunk you. 549 00:31:22,961 --> 00:31:25,327 Flunk me? Flunk him. 550 00:31:25,364 --> 00:31:28,128 Great attitude. Do you know where your next class is? 551 00:31:28,166 --> 00:31:31,135 Contemporary American history. Professor Turgeson. 552 00:31:31,169 --> 00:31:33,603 - Turgeson? - You know him? Is he good? 553 00:31:33,639 --> 00:31:35,971 Well, he's really committed. 554 00:31:36,008 --> 00:31:38,238 In fact, I think he was. Just keep your head down... 555 00:31:38,277 --> 00:31:40,040 and your mouth shut. You should be all right. 556 00:31:40,078 --> 00:31:41,602 - I'll see you in English. - All right. 557 00:31:41,647 --> 00:31:45,139 Welcome to Contemporary American history. 558 00:31:45,183 --> 00:31:47,378 I'm Professor Turgeson. 559 00:31:47,419 --> 00:31:49,887 I know a lot of people think history is just facts... 560 00:31:49,922 --> 00:31:53,915 just information about the past, but not me. 561 00:31:53,959 --> 00:31:57,258 I hold history very sacred. Sacred. 562 00:31:57,296 --> 00:31:59,787 The way a farmer looks at the Earth and holds it sacred. 563 00:31:59,831 --> 00:32:01,822 The way a Christian takes the Bible... 564 00:32:01,867 --> 00:32:03,129 and he holds it sacred. 565 00:32:03,168 --> 00:32:06,103 The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. 566 00:32:06,138 --> 00:32:08,470 That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in... 567 00:32:08,507 --> 00:32:11,271 by interpreting one of the easiest events... 568 00:32:11,310 --> 00:32:14,507 in the last twenty years of American history. 569 00:32:14,546 --> 00:32:16,980 Now, can someone tell me... 570 00:32:17,015 --> 00:32:21,452 why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam? 571 00:32:22,988 --> 00:32:25,752 The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support... 572 00:32:25,791 --> 00:32:27,759 caused an ongoing erosion of confidence... 573 00:32:27,793 --> 00:32:31,024 in the various American... but illegal... Saigon regimes. 574 00:32:35,434 --> 00:32:36,628 Is she right? 575 00:32:38,837 --> 00:32:40,395 'Cause I know that's the popular version... 576 00:32:40,439 --> 00:32:41,770 of what went on there. 577 00:32:41,807 --> 00:32:43,866 I know a lot of people like to believe that. 578 00:32:43,909 --> 00:32:45,934 I wish I could, but I was there. 579 00:32:45,978 --> 00:32:47,468 I wasn't here in a classroom... 580 00:32:47,512 --> 00:32:49,036 hoping I was right, thinking about it. 581 00:32:49,081 --> 00:32:51,811 I was up to my knees in rice paddies... 582 00:32:51,850 --> 00:32:54,318 with guns that didn't work, going up against Charlie... 583 00:32:54,353 --> 00:32:57,288 slugging it out with him, while pussies like you... 584 00:32:57,322 --> 00:33:00,189 were back here partyin', puttin' headbands on... 585 00:33:00,225 --> 00:33:03,160 doin' drugs, listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! 586 00:33:05,897 --> 00:33:07,831 Hey, Professor, take it easy, will ya? 587 00:33:07,866 --> 00:33:10,733 These kids were in grade school at the time. 588 00:33:10,769 --> 00:33:12,066 And me... 589 00:33:12,104 --> 00:33:14,937 I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. 590 00:33:18,810 --> 00:33:21,711 Well, I didn't know you wanted to get involved... 591 00:33:21,747 --> 00:33:25,114 with the discussion, Mr. Helper. 592 00:33:25,150 --> 00:33:28,586 But since you want to help, maybe you can help me, OK? 593 00:33:28,620 --> 00:33:30,520 You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago... 594 00:33:30,555 --> 00:33:31,920 called the Korean conflict? 595 00:33:31,957 --> 00:33:35,154 Yeah. Where we failed to achieve victory. 596 00:33:35,193 --> 00:33:37,593 How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel... 597 00:33:37,629 --> 00:33:40,689 and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China... 598 00:33:40,732 --> 00:33:42,723 and take it apart brick by brick... 599 00:33:42,768 --> 00:33:45,202 and nuke them back into the fuckin' stone age forever? 600 00:33:45,237 --> 00:33:48,695 How come? Tell me? Why? Say it! Say it! 601 00:33:48,740 --> 00:33:50,901 All right, I'll say it. 602 00:33:50,942 --> 00:33:53,035 'Cause Truman was too much of a pussy wimp... 603 00:33:53,078 --> 00:33:56,707 to let MacArthur go in and blow out those commie bastards! 604 00:33:58,417 --> 00:34:01,545 Good answer. Good answer. 605 00:34:02,988 --> 00:34:05,752 I like the way you think. 606 00:34:05,791 --> 00:34:09,192 I'm gonna be watching you. 607 00:34:11,396 --> 00:34:14,661 Good teacher. He really seems to care. 608 00:34:14,699 --> 00:34:17,031 About what, I have no idea. 609 00:34:18,103 --> 00:34:19,968 College is all right, I'll tell you that. 610 00:34:20,005 --> 00:34:22,337 Hey, buddy, be my guest. Here's a pen. 611 00:34:22,374 --> 00:34:26,208 Boys, here's a couple of pens, in case you learn how to write. 612 00:34:26,244 --> 00:34:28,508 - I know you. - Oh, yeah? Here's a pen. 613 00:34:28,547 --> 00:34:30,777 You do those obnoxious commercials. 614 00:34:30,816 --> 00:34:32,147 You're tall and fat. 615 00:34:32,184 --> 00:34:36,177 Yeah, you're short and ugly. Give me the pen back, will ya? 616 00:34:36,221 --> 00:34:38,451 Honey, here's a pen. 617 00:34:38,490 --> 00:34:40,890 Boys, how are ya? 618 00:35:02,714 --> 00:35:04,147 "And Gibraltar is a girl... 619 00:35:04,182 --> 00:35:06,844 "where I was a flower of the mountain. 620 00:35:06,885 --> 00:35:08,853 "Yes, when I put the rose in my hair... 621 00:35:08,887 --> 00:35:10,354 "like the Andalusian girls used. 622 00:35:10,388 --> 00:35:12,447 "Or shall I wear red? 623 00:35:12,491 --> 00:35:15,324 "Yes. And how he kissed me under the Moorish wall... 624 00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:16,486 "and I thought... 625 00:35:16,528 --> 00:35:18,462 "well, as well him as another. 626 00:35:18,497 --> 00:35:20,795 "And then I ask him with my eyes to ask again. 627 00:35:20,832 --> 00:35:24,495 "Yes. And then he asked me would I yes to say yes. 628 00:35:24,536 --> 00:35:26,094 "My mountain flower. 629 00:35:26,138 --> 00:35:28,436 "And first I put my arms around him, yes... 630 00:35:28,473 --> 00:35:29,940 "and drew him down to me... 631 00:35:29,975 --> 00:35:32,603 "so he could feel my breasts all perfumed, yes... 632 00:35:32,644 --> 00:35:34,942 "and his heart was going like mad, and yes... 633 00:35:34,980 --> 00:35:36,971 "I said, yes, I will, yes." 634 00:35:37,015 --> 00:35:40,212 Yes! Yes! 635 00:35:45,390 --> 00:35:47,358 Thanks for the vote of confidence. 636 00:35:47,392 --> 00:35:48,859 I think Joyce is pretty hot, too. 637 00:35:48,894 --> 00:35:50,794 And now that I've got your attention... 638 00:35:50,829 --> 00:35:52,228 I'd like to run down the reading list... 639 00:35:52,264 --> 00:35:55,324 for the semester. See what else turns you on. 640 00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:03,002 What a woman. 641 00:36:03,041 --> 00:36:05,339 Dad, she is the teacher. 642 00:36:05,377 --> 00:36:06,867 I know. I like teachers. 643 00:36:06,912 --> 00:36:09,244 If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. 644 00:36:11,016 --> 00:36:13,507 Don't you think maybe you should just take some notes? 645 00:36:13,552 --> 00:36:16,112 Yeah, yeah. 646 00:36:16,154 --> 00:36:20,056 I gave away all my pens. 647 00:36:20,091 --> 00:36:22,457 I'm sorry. I need this back. 648 00:36:22,494 --> 00:36:24,655 Here's a calendar for you. 649 00:36:27,999 --> 00:36:29,193 Oh, hiya. 650 00:36:29,234 --> 00:36:32,101 Hello, Mr. Melon. You waiting for me? 651 00:36:32,137 --> 00:36:34,833 Yes, I was. Look, I know I'm only a freshman... 652 00:36:34,873 --> 00:36:37,239 but what do you say you and I have dinner tonight? 653 00:36:37,275 --> 00:36:40,540 We could talk about Joyce. She's my favorite writer. 654 00:36:42,581 --> 00:36:45,106 You're not the usual freshman, but I'm sorry, I can't. 655 00:36:45,150 --> 00:36:47,015 The thing is, I'm sort of going with someone. 656 00:36:47,052 --> 00:36:49,213 Oh. Where you going? 657 00:36:49,254 --> 00:36:51,745 That's a good question. 658 00:36:51,790 --> 00:36:54,452 Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight. 659 00:36:54,492 --> 00:36:57,757 - How about tomorrow night? - I have class then, too. 660 00:36:57,796 --> 00:36:59,525 I'll tell you what, then. 661 00:36:59,564 --> 00:37:03,523 Why don't you call me when you have no class? 662 00:37:03,568 --> 00:37:05,798 All right. Maybe I will. 663 00:37:11,676 --> 00:37:14,167 Hello, Philip. 664 00:37:14,212 --> 00:37:16,339 What did he want? 665 00:37:16,381 --> 00:37:19,282 Oh, what do all men want? 666 00:37:19,317 --> 00:37:21,251 He wants you to dress up as Wonder Woman... 667 00:37:21,286 --> 00:37:24,813 tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth? 668 00:37:24,856 --> 00:37:27,256 No, just dinner, Philip. 669 00:37:27,292 --> 00:37:30,386 Are you jealous of Thornton Melon? 670 00:37:30,428 --> 00:37:32,487 Certainly not. 671 00:37:32,530 --> 00:37:35,431 I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately. 672 00:37:35,467 --> 00:37:38,732 I've been thinking about us. 673 00:37:38,770 --> 00:37:41,238 - And? - And I think... 674 00:37:41,273 --> 00:37:44,640 we should start thinking about forming a... 675 00:37:44,676 --> 00:37:46,405 well, um... 676 00:37:46,444 --> 00:37:47,570 A merger? 677 00:37:47,612 --> 00:37:49,978 A merger, exactly. Exactly, a merger. 678 00:37:50,015 --> 00:37:52,575 A partnership. Seriously, Diane... 679 00:37:52,617 --> 00:37:55,313 we're both intelligent, well-educated adults. 680 00:37:55,353 --> 00:37:59,653 We should be together. Incorporated, if you will. 681 00:37:59,691 --> 00:38:04,822 Look at the balance sheet. We were made for one another. 682 00:38:04,863 --> 00:38:06,228 Oh, Philip, you darling. 683 00:38:06,264 --> 00:38:08,425 I don't want to be merged or incorporated. 684 00:38:08,466 --> 00:38:12,334 I want to have fun and be romanced and be loved. 685 00:38:14,205 --> 00:38:16,298 So let's not rush into anything. 686 00:38:16,341 --> 00:38:19,174 Let's just start by having fun, OK? 687 00:38:23,114 --> 00:38:25,412 Hey, how are you? What's happening? 688 00:38:25,450 --> 00:38:26,644 Hi! 689 00:38:26,685 --> 00:38:28,585 A lot of people are talking about your dad, man. 690 00:38:28,620 --> 00:38:30,554 What's happening? 691 00:38:30,588 --> 00:38:33,386 Hey, boys, how ya doin'? 692 00:38:33,425 --> 00:38:35,757 I wonder why. 693 00:38:37,295 --> 00:38:38,956 They have lockers. 694 00:38:38,997 --> 00:38:41,124 You could've changed here. 695 00:38:41,166 --> 00:38:43,157 I don't change in front of guys. 696 00:38:43,201 --> 00:38:45,066 Next thing you know, you're showering with the fellas. 697 00:38:45,103 --> 00:38:46,502 And the next thing you know... 698 00:38:46,538 --> 00:38:48,472 you're pinned to a sophomore named Chip. 699 00:38:48,506 --> 00:38:50,064 Come on, let's go, huh? 700 00:38:50,108 --> 00:38:51,700 I'll see you later. 701 00:39:22,474 --> 00:39:24,874 That was pretty good. 702 00:39:24,909 --> 00:39:26,706 Next time, hold the pike a little longer. 703 00:39:28,913 --> 00:39:31,006 Wait a minute. I'll be right down. 704 00:39:55,006 --> 00:39:57,440 Not bad. 705 00:39:57,475 --> 00:39:59,966 All right, let's see one more. 706 00:40:01,179 --> 00:40:02,578 Like I showed you. 707 00:40:02,614 --> 00:40:03,774 All right. 708 00:40:09,747 --> 00:40:12,648 What's a guy your age doing here with these kids? 709 00:40:12,684 --> 00:40:16,313 I'm lookin' for the fountain of middle age. 710 00:40:16,354 --> 00:40:17,719 What's your story? 711 00:40:17,755 --> 00:40:20,246 I'm setting the new record for the most consecutive losses... 712 00:40:20,291 --> 00:40:23,192 by a diving coach in this conference. 713 00:40:23,228 --> 00:40:25,492 Hey, remember, hold that pike longer. 714 00:40:25,530 --> 00:40:27,828 - That your kid? - Yeah. 715 00:40:27,865 --> 00:40:30,095 Who coached him in high school? 716 00:40:30,134 --> 00:40:31,624 Yours truly. 717 00:40:31,669 --> 00:40:33,296 So, where did you learn how to dive? 718 00:40:33,338 --> 00:40:36,774 Atlantic City. The Steel Pier. I was in the water show. 719 00:40:36,808 --> 00:40:38,332 I used to open for the diving horse. 720 00:40:38,376 --> 00:40:40,276 You're kiddin'. I'm from Jersey. 721 00:40:40,311 --> 00:40:43,644 I practically spent my entire life on that pier. 722 00:40:43,681 --> 00:40:46,241 There was a guy, did the most amazing dive... 723 00:40:46,284 --> 00:40:47,945 called the Triple Lindy. 724 00:40:47,986 --> 00:40:49,681 Hardest dive I ever saw in my life. 725 00:40:49,721 --> 00:40:52,417 - Who was that guy? - Yours truly. 726 00:40:52,457 --> 00:40:53,924 You're kiddin'. 727 00:40:53,958 --> 00:40:55,721 I don't joke about dives. 728 00:40:55,760 --> 00:40:57,557 Especially that one. It almost killed me. 729 00:40:57,595 --> 00:41:00,655 Boy, you were somethin' else. 730 00:41:00,698 --> 00:41:02,723 Hey, can your kid do that dive? 731 00:41:02,767 --> 00:41:05,827 Nah, nobody can. It's too dangerous. 732 00:41:05,870 --> 00:41:08,839 You know, he tried out for the team last semester. 733 00:41:08,873 --> 00:41:10,238 He didn't do that good. 734 00:41:10,275 --> 00:41:13,267 Not that good, huh? Watch this. 735 00:41:13,311 --> 00:41:16,075 Jason, do the two and a half! 736 00:41:30,728 --> 00:41:32,855 Not bad. 737 00:41:34,565 --> 00:41:35,862 My main Melon. Come on, man... 738 00:41:35,900 --> 00:41:37,390 there's a pep rally for the football team. 739 00:41:37,435 --> 00:41:39,426 - Let's go. We're there. - Whoa, wait. What is this? 740 00:41:39,470 --> 00:41:42,735 Me and Standish and Redding are doing the anti-pep rally... 741 00:41:42,774 --> 00:41:45,572 to point out that a violent ground acquisition game... 742 00:41:45,610 --> 00:41:46,941 such as football is, in fact... 743 00:41:46,978 --> 00:41:48,775 a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war. 744 00:41:48,813 --> 00:41:50,906 It sounds like a lot of laughs... 745 00:41:50,948 --> 00:41:52,279 but I'm supposed to meet my dad and study. 746 00:41:52,317 --> 00:41:53,784 He's supposed to be here already. 747 00:41:53,818 --> 00:41:55,786 OK, well... 748 00:41:55,820 --> 00:41:58,880 if you change your mind, pal, you know where I'll be. 749 00:41:58,923 --> 00:42:02,586 If I change my mind, I'll seek psychiatric help. 750 00:42:21,412 --> 00:42:22,606 Excuse me. 751 00:42:22,647 --> 00:42:26,105 What is the Oort system and what does it tell us? 752 00:42:28,152 --> 00:42:30,120 What? I'm sorry. 753 00:42:30,154 --> 00:42:33,612 Astronomy, chapter two. 754 00:42:33,658 --> 00:42:35,853 Oh, Oort, Oort. 755 00:42:35,893 --> 00:42:38,418 Oort was this scientist, and he figured out... 756 00:42:38,463 --> 00:42:42,797 that the smeared-out density of matter can be no greater... 757 00:42:42,834 --> 00:42:46,031 than the solar mass per cubic parsec. 758 00:42:46,070 --> 00:42:48,095 You look thrilled. It's not my theory. 759 00:42:49,507 --> 00:42:52,476 Thanks, that helps a lot. 760 00:42:53,478 --> 00:42:55,673 Listen, I was just wondering... 761 00:42:55,713 --> 00:42:57,305 would you do my astronomy homework... 762 00:42:57,348 --> 00:42:58,872 for the rest of the semester? 763 00:43:01,586 --> 00:43:03,747 - Here you go. - OK, right. 764 00:43:03,788 --> 00:43:05,187 Hi, Mr. Melon. 765 00:43:05,223 --> 00:43:07,783 Oh, you can call me Thornton. 766 00:43:07,825 --> 00:43:10,794 Say, how about joining me and my friend over there? 767 00:43:10,828 --> 00:43:12,819 Your friend looks a little strange. 768 00:43:12,864 --> 00:43:15,833 Who, Lou? Lou's an animal. Why, in his family... 769 00:43:15,867 --> 00:43:20,236 he's only the second generation that's standing up straight. 770 00:43:20,271 --> 00:43:21,761 What lovely girls. 771 00:43:21,806 --> 00:43:24,832 How would you like a life of luxury and deceit? 772 00:43:24,876 --> 00:43:27,208 Come on, join us in a beer. OK? 773 00:43:27,245 --> 00:43:29,179 - Yeah, OK. - OK. 774 00:43:38,856 --> 00:43:42,019 Girls, this is Lou. Lou, these are girls. 775 00:43:45,129 --> 00:43:46,790 One, two. 776 00:43:46,831 --> 00:43:49,356 One, two. 777 00:43:56,107 --> 00:43:58,268 Shake it up, baby 778 00:44:00,077 --> 00:44:02,204 Twist and shout 779 00:44:03,881 --> 00:44:05,974 Come on, come on, come on, baby 780 00:44:07,985 --> 00:44:10,215 Come and work it on out 781 00:44:12,123 --> 00:44:14,557 Work it on out, honey 782 00:44:16,461 --> 00:44:19,589 Honey, come here. I need 2 more glasses for the girls... 783 00:44:19,630 --> 00:44:21,928 and also, bring a pitcher of beer... 784 00:44:21,966 --> 00:44:23,991 every seven minutes till somebody passes out. 785 00:44:24,035 --> 00:44:25,832 And then bring one every ten minutes. 786 00:44:25,870 --> 00:44:27,269 You got it. Anyway... 787 00:44:27,305 --> 00:44:29,796 I thought we were gonna go... 788 00:44:29,841 --> 00:44:32,469 to the planetarium and look at a lot of stars. 789 00:44:32,510 --> 00:44:35,206 I had no idea this was gonna be astrophysics. 790 00:44:35,246 --> 00:44:38,010 It's not that hard. You'll get it. 791 00:44:38,049 --> 00:44:41,416 It's not hard for you, because you're smart. 792 00:44:41,452 --> 00:44:43,545 You're smart, too. 793 00:44:43,588 --> 00:44:46,022 Yeah, but you're, like, "smart" smart. 794 00:44:46,057 --> 00:44:48,025 Do you study at the library every night? 795 00:44:48,059 --> 00:44:49,617 No. I was gonna meet my dad there... 796 00:44:49,660 --> 00:44:51,025 but he must be studying at the dorm. 797 00:45:01,772 --> 00:45:03,797 Shake it up, baby 798 00:45:05,543 --> 00:45:07,340 Twist and shout 799 00:45:09,313 --> 00:45:11,508 Come on, come on, come on, baby 800 00:45:13,317 --> 00:45:15,683 Come on and work it on out 801 00:45:17,288 --> 00:45:19,188 You know you twist it, little girl 802 00:45:19,223 --> 00:45:20,918 Lower, baby, lower. 803 00:45:20,958 --> 00:45:23,518 Hey, guys, let me see some I.D. 804 00:45:23,561 --> 00:45:25,495 Not that low, baby. 805 00:45:25,530 --> 00:45:27,794 Come on and twist a little closer now 806 00:45:27,832 --> 00:45:29,595 To the left, baby, to the left. 807 00:45:29,634 --> 00:45:31,226 And let me know you're mine 808 00:45:31,269 --> 00:45:32,497 That's the spot, baby. 809 00:45:32,537 --> 00:45:35,597 Hold it, hold it! Oh, you are there! 810 00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:37,665 Shake it, baby 811 00:45:37,708 --> 00:45:41,337 Shake it, shake it, baby 812 00:45:41,379 --> 00:45:45,145 Come on and shake it, shake it, shake it, baby 813 00:45:47,218 --> 00:45:48,981 - Shake it now - Shake it 814 00:45:59,997 --> 00:46:01,396 OK, go ahead. 815 00:46:05,102 --> 00:46:07,332 Jason, what are you doing here? 816 00:46:07,371 --> 00:46:10,534 What am I doing here? What are you doing here? 817 00:46:10,575 --> 00:46:12,805 We were supposed to study, remember, in the library? 818 00:46:12,843 --> 00:46:14,743 The library. I was supposed to be there. 819 00:46:14,779 --> 00:46:17,145 Hey, what's going on? 820 00:46:17,181 --> 00:46:19,172 Chas, check it out. 821 00:46:22,286 --> 00:46:24,413 Hey, Clark. 822 00:46:24,455 --> 00:46:26,389 Interesting little rally you guys had tonight. 823 00:46:26,424 --> 00:46:29,291 Yeah, right. They got paint all over my girlfriend. 824 00:46:29,327 --> 00:46:31,261 I'm gonna kill them little pinheads. 825 00:46:31,295 --> 00:46:33,126 Yeah? Well, you came to the right place... 826 00:46:33,164 --> 00:46:35,496 because guess who's here... Derek Lutz. 827 00:46:41,606 --> 00:46:44,131 Hey, Lutz! 828 00:46:44,175 --> 00:46:45,733 You know who I am? 829 00:46:45,776 --> 00:46:47,641 Let me see... 830 00:46:47,678 --> 00:46:50,272 protruding supra-orbital ridges... 831 00:46:50,314 --> 00:46:53,909 small cranium, 1,300 C.C. Brain... 832 00:46:53,951 --> 00:46:55,145 Neanderthal man. 833 00:46:55,186 --> 00:46:58,246 You... I want you to call his mother. 834 00:46:58,289 --> 00:47:00,086 You tell her he's never coming home. 835 00:47:00,124 --> 00:47:02,718 Whoa, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? 836 00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:04,523 Look how many people got blue hair these days. 837 00:47:04,562 --> 00:47:06,029 Shut up, meathead. 838 00:47:06,063 --> 00:47:07,394 Take it easy, will ya? 839 00:47:07,431 --> 00:47:11,162 I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head. 840 00:47:11,202 --> 00:47:13,898 Yeah? Want to make something of it? 841 00:47:13,938 --> 00:47:17,237 Oh, no. I never get physical. I just get upset... 842 00:47:17,274 --> 00:47:21,210 and when I get upset, he gets physical. 843 00:47:28,619 --> 00:47:30,143 You got a problem? 844 00:47:30,187 --> 00:47:32,212 No, I haven't got a problem. 845 00:47:32,256 --> 00:47:34,622 Now you do. 846 00:47:45,202 --> 00:47:46,601 Get him! 847 00:47:58,315 --> 00:47:59,509 Lou, where you been? 848 00:47:59,550 --> 00:48:01,415 I'm getting my ass kicked all over the place! 849 00:48:27,278 --> 00:48:30,042 - Well, you look terrible. - No, I'm all right. 850 00:48:30,081 --> 00:48:33,847 It's Lou I'm worried about. He may lose his trigger finger. 851 00:48:33,884 --> 00:48:35,146 It serves you guys right. 852 00:48:35,186 --> 00:48:37,245 Why did you have to take on the whole football team? 853 00:48:37,288 --> 00:48:38,448 They're not that tough. 854 00:48:38,489 --> 00:48:40,821 The football team at my high school was tough. 855 00:48:40,858 --> 00:48:42,485 After they sacked the quarterback... 856 00:48:42,526 --> 00:48:44,391 they went after his family. 857 00:48:46,764 --> 00:48:48,959 This morning we're going to look at "The Great Gatsby"... 858 00:48:48,999 --> 00:48:51,160 by F. Scott Fitzgerald. 859 00:48:51,202 --> 00:48:54,603 Mr. Melon, how would you characterize "The Great Gatsby?" 860 00:48:54,638 --> 00:48:56,572 Who, him? 861 00:48:56,607 --> 00:48:58,040 No, you. 862 00:48:58,075 --> 00:48:59,474 Me. 863 00:48:59,510 --> 00:49:02,570 Well, "The Great Gatsby," he was... 864 00:49:02,613 --> 00:49:04,808 great. 865 00:49:07,952 --> 00:49:09,544 See me after class, Mr. Melon. 866 00:49:13,557 --> 00:49:15,422 I mean, please, try to understand. 867 00:49:15,459 --> 00:49:17,017 I don't have the background for this. 868 00:49:17,061 --> 00:49:18,323 The high school I went to... 869 00:49:18,362 --> 00:49:20,023 they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity. 870 00:49:20,064 --> 00:49:22,362 He threw the teacher out the window. 871 00:49:22,399 --> 00:49:27,598 I know what I need. I need a tutor. 872 00:49:27,638 --> 00:49:30,106 What do you say? Come on. 873 00:49:30,141 --> 00:49:32,701 You got some spare time. 874 00:49:32,743 --> 00:49:34,074 All right, Mr. Melon. 875 00:49:34,111 --> 00:49:35,874 I have some spare time this evening. 876 00:49:35,913 --> 00:49:38,074 Why don't you come around about 7:00? 877 00:49:38,115 --> 00:49:40,709 - Great. - I'll give you my address. 878 00:49:41,886 --> 00:49:44,252 - Thanks. - Please be on time. 879 00:49:44,288 --> 00:49:46,722 I'll be on time. 880 00:49:48,526 --> 00:49:50,460 What penmanship. 881 00:49:51,896 --> 00:49:55,593 "Everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; 882 00:49:55,633 --> 00:49:57,294 "The best lack all conviction... 883 00:49:57,334 --> 00:50:00,599 "while the worst are full of passionate intensity." 884 00:50:00,638 --> 00:50:02,230 There's a lot of other stuff here. 885 00:50:02,273 --> 00:50:06,471 Yeats goes on and on... and here's the finish. 886 00:50:06,510 --> 00:50:09,673 "What rough beast, its hour come round at last... 887 00:50:09,713 --> 00:50:12,614 "slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?" 888 00:50:12,650 --> 00:50:14,277 What does that make you think of? 889 00:50:14,318 --> 00:50:17,310 Rough beast. My ex-wife. 890 00:50:17,354 --> 00:50:18,685 Well, that's one interpretation. 891 00:50:18,722 --> 00:50:20,713 Not the right one, but it's a start. 892 00:50:20,758 --> 00:50:23,090 Surely a man of your age and experience... 893 00:50:23,127 --> 00:50:24,788 must have read some of the things on my list. 894 00:50:24,829 --> 00:50:27,457 - What about "Macbeth"? - I saw the movie. 895 00:50:27,498 --> 00:50:30,592 Orson Welles. Great actor, big actor. 896 00:50:30,634 --> 00:50:33,102 He was a Tall and Fat customer for years. 897 00:50:33,137 --> 00:50:34,399 How about "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"? 898 00:50:34,438 --> 00:50:36,372 I saw the movie. Burl lves. 899 00:50:36,407 --> 00:50:39,934 Great actor, extra stout. He was a customer, too. 900 00:50:39,977 --> 00:50:42,639 - "Streetcar Named Desire." - Great movie. Marlon Brando. 901 00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:46,241 He wasn't that big then, but he ballooned up nicely. 902 00:50:46,283 --> 00:50:48,945 I'd say pound for pound, our finest American actor. 903 00:50:48,986 --> 00:50:50,954 Don't you ever read? 904 00:50:50,988 --> 00:50:54,549 Who has time? I see the movie. I'm in and out in two hours. 905 00:50:54,592 --> 00:50:55,991 Oh, Thornton, don't you see? 906 00:50:56,026 --> 00:50:57,823 The reason you want to read these works... 907 00:50:57,862 --> 00:50:59,796 is so you can experience them for yourself... 908 00:50:59,830 --> 00:51:02,628 so you can share the thoughts and feelings of the writer... 909 00:51:02,666 --> 00:51:05,157 without the interference of your actor and director... 910 00:51:05,202 --> 00:51:07,033 and professor's point of view getting in the way... 911 00:51:07,071 --> 00:51:09,869 to truly share and understand... 912 00:51:09,907 --> 00:51:11,807 the common feelings of all mankind... 913 00:51:11,842 --> 00:51:14,140 the feelings of being alive. 914 00:51:15,746 --> 00:51:17,805 That was beautiful. 915 00:51:17,848 --> 00:51:19,816 I understand what you're saying, too. 916 00:51:19,850 --> 00:51:21,647 I'm glad. That makes me feel good. 917 00:51:21,685 --> 00:51:23,983 I got an idea. 918 00:51:24,021 --> 00:51:27,184 Let's keep talking over dinner. 919 00:51:27,224 --> 00:51:29,317 I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner. 920 00:51:30,527 --> 00:51:32,995 I could cancel, though, I guess. 921 00:51:33,030 --> 00:51:34,361 We are working, after all. 922 00:51:34,398 --> 00:51:36,229 You can't work on an empty stomach. 923 00:51:36,267 --> 00:51:39,259 You can't concentrate when you're hungry. 924 00:51:39,303 --> 00:51:41,271 Oh, I don't know. I really shouldn't. 925 00:51:41,305 --> 00:51:44,172 - I have so many things to do. - Oh, come on. I'll help you. 926 00:51:44,208 --> 00:51:46,233 I'll take out the garbage. I'll do the dishes. 927 00:51:46,277 --> 00:51:48,108 I'll do your nails. I'll do your hair. 928 00:51:48,145 --> 00:51:49,908 You have no idea what I want to do. 929 00:51:49,947 --> 00:51:51,915 - I'll call him. - I'll dial it! 930 00:51:51,949 --> 00:51:54,611 I'll just get the light. 931 00:51:54,652 --> 00:51:57,587 I think I'm attracted to teachers. 932 00:51:57,621 --> 00:52:00,181 I took out an English teacher. That didn't work out at all. 933 00:52:00,224 --> 00:52:02,749 I sent her a love letter. She corrected it. 934 00:52:05,195 --> 00:52:07,322 Oh, great. Company. 935 00:52:11,568 --> 00:52:14,696 - Those two ought to get a room. - Really. 936 00:52:14,738 --> 00:52:16,205 Actually, I was married twice. 937 00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:19,903 My first wife, Jason's mother, I really loved her. 938 00:52:19,944 --> 00:52:22,276 We had a good thing going, you know? 939 00:52:22,313 --> 00:52:24,508 She passed away about ten years ago. 940 00:52:24,548 --> 00:52:27,176 After that, I screwed around for a few years. 941 00:52:27,217 --> 00:52:30,516 Then I really went nuts... I married Vanessa. 942 00:52:30,554 --> 00:52:32,579 I was just lonely, I guess. 943 00:52:32,623 --> 00:52:33,885 Is that over now? 944 00:52:33,924 --> 00:52:35,619 We were doomed from the start. 945 00:52:35,659 --> 00:52:37,627 I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign. 946 00:52:37,661 --> 00:52:38,889 Together, we made mud. 947 00:52:38,929 --> 00:52:42,421 I picked a beauty. And she played around, too. 948 00:52:42,466 --> 00:52:45,128 When she said, "I do," I should have said, "With who?" 949 00:52:45,169 --> 00:52:47,569 So, are you giving up on women? 950 00:52:47,604 --> 00:52:49,902 I don't know. I can't figure women out. 951 00:52:49,940 --> 00:52:51,237 Today, they're independent. 952 00:52:51,275 --> 00:52:53,140 They only think about themselves. 953 00:52:53,177 --> 00:52:56,374 During sex, Vanessa used to scream out her own name. 954 00:52:58,449 --> 00:52:59,916 I think it's the men who are different. 955 00:52:59,950 --> 00:53:01,212 Ever since the women's movement... 956 00:53:01,251 --> 00:53:02,843 most of the men I meet go out of their way... 957 00:53:02,886 --> 00:53:04,615 to show you how sensitive they are. 958 00:53:04,655 --> 00:53:08,648 Before they were too macho, and now they're too soft. 959 00:53:08,692 --> 00:53:10,660 You all want us to know you can cry. 960 00:53:10,694 --> 00:53:13,720 No, with women, I never cry. Never. 961 00:53:13,764 --> 00:53:15,254 I beg. 962 00:53:19,169 --> 00:53:21,137 If we finish this bottle of wine... 963 00:53:21,171 --> 00:53:23,469 you won't have to beg. 964 00:53:40,457 --> 00:53:41,617 Diane! 965 00:53:43,527 --> 00:53:44,994 Oh, Philip. 966 00:53:45,029 --> 00:53:46,963 We were supposed to go to dinner. 967 00:53:46,997 --> 00:53:48,760 I just had dinner! 968 00:53:48,799 --> 00:53:50,289 I don't believe this. 969 00:53:50,334 --> 00:53:54,464 Maybe it's a dream. Good night, Philip. 970 00:53:55,539 --> 00:53:57,336 You do a good job. 971 00:53:57,374 --> 00:54:00,343 What do you charge for big cars? 972 00:54:11,221 --> 00:54:14,520 I had a lot of fun, Thornton. 973 00:54:14,558 --> 00:54:17,686 Me, too. And thanks for the lesson. 974 00:54:17,728 --> 00:54:19,195 I learned a lot. 975 00:54:19,229 --> 00:54:21,857 You're welcome. I did, too. 976 00:54:23,734 --> 00:54:24,962 Well... 977 00:54:26,103 --> 00:54:29,561 Well, I guess this is good night. 978 00:54:29,606 --> 00:54:30,937 Yeah. 979 00:54:32,943 --> 00:54:35,070 A very good night. 980 00:54:41,852 --> 00:54:43,183 Beautiful. 981 00:54:45,089 --> 00:54:46,386 Oh, that's it. 982 00:54:46,423 --> 00:54:48,789 That's the spot. Just keep doing that. 983 00:54:48,826 --> 00:54:51,795 Oh, don't lose it. 984 00:54:51,829 --> 00:54:54,024 Oh, Lou, you're great. 985 00:54:54,064 --> 00:54:56,965 The leg is better. You got the cramp out. 986 00:54:57,000 --> 00:55:00,401 You're a wreck. You gotta start working out. 987 00:55:00,437 --> 00:55:02,200 And you know what else? 988 00:55:02,239 --> 00:55:05,106 You have got midterms coming up. 989 00:55:05,142 --> 00:55:07,770 You haven't studied five minutes since you got here. 990 00:55:07,811 --> 00:55:08,971 You're always so neat. 991 00:55:09,012 --> 00:55:10,912 You're just like your Uncle Vito. 992 00:55:10,948 --> 00:55:13,542 We were kids, his room was always in order. 993 00:55:13,584 --> 00:55:14,744 His towels lined up neatly... 994 00:55:14,785 --> 00:55:16,946 combs, brushes, hair lotions all in the right place. 995 00:55:16,987 --> 00:55:18,955 What did it mean? What is he today? 996 00:55:18,989 --> 00:55:20,547 He's an attendant in the men's room. 997 00:55:20,591 --> 00:55:22,991 Hey, he's my idol. 998 00:55:23,026 --> 00:55:28,259 But I'm not gonna be folding towels anymore... 999 00:55:28,298 --> 00:55:31,461 'cause I just made... ta da... the diving team. 1000 00:55:31,502 --> 00:55:34,130 That's great! 1001 00:55:34,171 --> 00:55:35,331 I'm takin' you out. 1002 00:55:35,372 --> 00:55:37,067 We'll celebrate. We're havin' a party! 1003 00:55:37,107 --> 00:55:39,701 Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice, but I'm in training now. 1004 00:55:39,743 --> 00:55:42,211 We got a big meet coming up against Northern. 1005 00:55:42,246 --> 00:55:44,305 We'll have a party after the meet. 1006 00:55:44,348 --> 00:55:48,284 Dad, why don't you join me on a little reality break, OK? 1007 00:55:48,318 --> 00:55:50,684 Just 'cause you're in love with Dr. Turner... 1008 00:55:50,721 --> 00:55:53,485 does not mean you're gonna pass her course. 1009 00:55:53,524 --> 00:55:56,118 You got a major paper coming up on Kurt Vonnegut. 1010 00:55:56,160 --> 00:55:57,957 You haven't even read any of the books. 1011 00:55:57,995 --> 00:55:59,656 I tried. 1012 00:55:59,696 --> 00:56:02,859 I don't understand a word of it. 1013 00:56:03,867 --> 00:56:06,859 So, how you gonna write the paper, then? 1014 00:56:10,874 --> 00:56:14,139 Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon. 1015 00:56:16,847 --> 00:56:19,475 Want to come in? Dad? 1016 00:56:22,519 --> 00:56:25,317 I don't want to hear one more word out of you... 1017 00:56:25,355 --> 00:56:27,323 or it's back to the tree. 1018 00:56:27,357 --> 00:56:29,689 Come in. 1019 00:56:29,726 --> 00:56:32,718 Excuse me. Dr. Barazini? 1020 00:56:32,763 --> 00:56:34,128 I'm Thornton Melon. 1021 00:56:34,164 --> 00:56:37,691 Oh, yes, Thornton Melon. I know you. 1022 00:56:37,734 --> 00:56:41,329 You delivered the paper on isomagnetic brain waves... 1023 00:56:41,371 --> 00:56:42,929 in Montreal last year. 1024 00:56:42,973 --> 00:56:45,533 No, I sold you your pants. 1025 00:56:45,576 --> 00:56:47,635 Oh, of course. Good to see you. 1026 00:56:47,678 --> 00:56:49,202 What are you doing here? 1027 00:56:49,246 --> 00:56:51,612 I'm supposed to report here for my lab project. 1028 00:56:51,648 --> 00:56:54,481 Oh, good. I'm trying to teach these here apes... 1029 00:56:54,518 --> 00:56:56,349 how to read and write. 1030 00:56:56,386 --> 00:56:59,184 You ought to teach them how to go to the bathroom. 1031 00:56:59,223 --> 00:57:01,282 You'll get used to that. 1032 00:57:01,325 --> 00:57:06,092 Now, all you have to do is put a new tape... 1033 00:57:06,129 --> 00:57:09,758 in the tape machine every hour and observe the animals. 1034 00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:11,961 I'll be back in a few hours to check on you. 1035 00:57:12,002 --> 00:57:14,562 - OK, fine. - All righty. 1036 00:57:16,406 --> 00:57:19,739 You don't need this. I'll find you an organ grinder. 1037 00:57:29,686 --> 00:57:31,847 Hiya, Marge? A few things. 1038 00:57:31,888 --> 00:57:34,550 I need you and the gang to get down here as fast as you can. 1039 00:57:34,591 --> 00:57:36,218 And I have to talk to Peterson, the accountant. 1040 00:57:36,260 --> 00:57:37,625 I'm gonna need him, too. 1041 00:57:37,661 --> 00:57:40,960 Oh, thanks. And, Marge, I need... 1042 00:57:43,900 --> 00:57:46,198 See if you can get somebody at the Rand Corporation... 1043 00:57:46,236 --> 00:57:49,103 or the Brookings Institute to come down here for about a week. 1044 00:57:51,675 --> 00:57:52,869 What? 1045 00:57:54,745 --> 00:57:57,737 And Russell hits him with a powerful front body slam! 1046 00:58:02,719 --> 00:58:04,016 No problem. 1047 00:58:04,054 --> 00:58:06,454 They're takin' a break, that's all. 1048 00:58:07,958 --> 00:58:12,190 In 1971, the United States accumulated deficits... 1049 00:58:12,229 --> 00:58:15,164 greater than the supply of gold the country held. 1050 00:58:15,198 --> 00:58:17,894 In that year, Richard Nixon... 1051 00:58:17,934 --> 00:58:20,869 took the United States off the gold standard. 1052 00:58:20,904 --> 00:58:23,236 In doing so, he disrupted... 1053 00:58:25,942 --> 00:58:28,877 the entire international monetary system. 1054 00:58:28,912 --> 00:58:31,642 What is that clicking noise? 1055 00:58:36,753 --> 00:58:38,812 Are you a student in this class? 1056 00:58:40,657 --> 00:58:42,056 No. 1057 00:58:42,092 --> 00:58:44,617 Who are you? 1058 00:58:44,661 --> 00:58:47,926 I'm Marge Sweetwater... 1059 00:58:47,964 --> 00:58:50,262 Mr. Thornton Melon's private secretary. 1060 00:58:57,307 --> 00:59:00,299 What are you doing here? 1061 00:59:00,344 --> 00:59:03,745 I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon. 1062 00:59:07,484 --> 00:59:11,716 He told you to write down everything I say? 1063 00:59:11,755 --> 00:59:14,485 Yes, he did. 1064 00:59:14,524 --> 00:59:15,957 Good. 1065 00:59:18,395 --> 00:59:20,693 Take this down. 1066 00:59:23,433 --> 00:59:26,800 Mr. Melon, no matter what you do... 1067 00:59:28,372 --> 00:59:31,239 no matter what stunts you pull... 1068 00:59:31,274 --> 00:59:34,402 no matter how hard you try... 1069 00:59:34,444 --> 00:59:38,904 you will never, ever pass this course. 1070 00:59:41,852 --> 00:59:44,320 Make sure he gets that. 1071 00:59:47,391 --> 00:59:49,359 Yes, sir. 1072 00:59:49,393 --> 00:59:50,553 I'll tell you what. 1073 00:59:50,594 --> 00:59:52,824 It's for Barbay. Make it an "A." 1074 00:59:52,863 --> 00:59:55,024 Where's the lab report on psychology? 1075 00:59:55,065 --> 00:59:56,396 Here. 1076 00:59:58,402 --> 01:00:01,565 It's too light. It feels like a "C." 1077 01:00:01,605 --> 01:00:04,870 Bulk it up and add a few multicolored graphs. 1078 01:00:04,908 --> 01:00:07,536 - Yo, Dad. - Jason, hold it, will ya? 1079 01:00:07,577 --> 01:00:10,273 Listen, everybody. Let's see "As" across the board. 1080 01:00:10,313 --> 01:00:11,473 I'll tell you what... 1081 01:00:11,515 --> 01:00:13,915 a ten percent bonus for every grade over "B." 1082 01:00:13,950 --> 01:00:18,512 And an A+ gets you a free trip to Hawaii... off-season. 1083 01:00:20,056 --> 01:00:23,890 - Dad, what's going on here? - I'm doing my homework. 1084 01:00:23,927 --> 01:00:26,122 No, they're doing your homework. 1085 01:00:26,163 --> 01:00:29,098 A good executive knows how to delegate authority. 1086 01:00:29,132 --> 01:00:31,726 I took care of you, too. 1087 01:00:31,768 --> 01:00:35,534 - And what's this? - Your astronomy report. 1088 01:00:35,572 --> 01:00:38,063 - What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with you? 1089 01:00:38,108 --> 01:00:40,474 I want to write that paper. I'm gonna write that paper. 1090 01:00:40,510 --> 01:00:43,001 That's why I'm taking astronomy, to learn something! 1091 01:00:43,046 --> 01:00:45,014 You're never gonna learn a goddamn thing... 1092 01:00:45,048 --> 01:00:47,073 if you got people doing your work for you! 1093 01:00:47,117 --> 01:00:49,017 Oh, never mind. 1094 01:00:50,420 --> 01:00:55,050 Kids... they always do things the hard way. 1095 01:00:55,091 --> 01:00:58,959 Ladies and gentlemen, the visiting team... 1096 01:00:58,995 --> 01:01:02,294 the Northern University Wildcats! 1097 01:01:03,767 --> 01:01:08,261 And your Grand Lakes University Hooters! 1098 01:01:08,305 --> 01:01:11,069 - Hey, there's your boy! - Jason! 1099 01:01:15,145 --> 01:01:18,273 While the teams are warming up, we'd like to remind you... 1100 01:01:18,315 --> 01:01:20,374 that all proceeds from the refreshment stands... 1101 01:01:20,417 --> 01:01:22,112 go to your student government. 1102 01:01:22,152 --> 01:01:25,121 Hey, Valerie. How you doin'? 1103 01:01:25,155 --> 01:01:27,248 Glad you could come. Listen. 1104 01:01:27,290 --> 01:01:30,225 My dad is having a party tonight at the dorm... 1105 01:01:30,260 --> 01:01:33,161 and it should be pretty great. His parties usually are. 1106 01:01:33,196 --> 01:01:37,895 I'd love to come, except for I have a date. 1107 01:01:37,934 --> 01:01:41,392 Oh. Well, hey, bring him along. 1108 01:01:41,438 --> 01:01:43,929 It's OK. You just both come by. 1109 01:01:43,974 --> 01:01:45,839 I'll really try. 1110 01:01:45,876 --> 01:01:47,844 Good. I hope I'll see you there. 1111 01:01:47,878 --> 01:01:50,972 It sounds like fun. I wish my dad were more like yours. 1112 01:02:01,658 --> 01:02:04,286 Hey, Chas. 1113 01:02:04,327 --> 01:02:06,090 Good luck, buddy. Let's get them. 1114 01:02:06,129 --> 01:02:09,724 Yeah. Thanks, Melon. I'd wish you luck, too... 1115 01:02:09,766 --> 01:02:11,791 but I guess a guy like you doesn't need luck. 1116 01:02:12,802 --> 01:02:14,793 What's that supposed to mean? 1117 01:02:14,838 --> 01:02:16,897 With your old man behind you... 1118 01:02:16,940 --> 01:02:19,465 I figured since he bought your way onto the team... 1119 01:02:19,509 --> 01:02:21,977 he probably bought off the judges, too. 1120 01:02:26,049 --> 01:02:28,677 Oh, there's Thornton. 1121 01:02:28,718 --> 01:02:30,811 Diane! 1122 01:02:32,422 --> 01:02:35,880 I can't imagine what you can possibly see in that man. 1123 01:02:35,926 --> 01:02:39,157 Philip, would you excuse me for a minute? 1124 01:02:43,033 --> 01:02:45,058 Yes, yes. 1125 01:02:45,101 --> 01:02:47,126 - You look great. - Oh, thanks. 1126 01:02:47,170 --> 01:02:48,967 Where you been? I called you a hundred times. 1127 01:02:49,005 --> 01:02:50,973 I made four dates with your answering machine. 1128 01:02:51,007 --> 01:02:52,998 I'm sorry I missed you. Things have been so hectic. 1129 01:02:53,043 --> 01:02:55,876 I've been reading midterm papers and grading exams. 1130 01:02:55,912 --> 01:02:57,140 Did you read mine yet? 1131 01:02:57,180 --> 01:02:59,045 Not yet, but I'm looking forward to it. 1132 01:02:59,082 --> 01:03:00,947 I'm throwing a party in our room tonight... 1133 01:03:00,984 --> 01:03:02,474 and you better be there. 1134 01:03:02,519 --> 01:03:05,511 I'm sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight. 1135 01:03:05,555 --> 01:03:09,218 Bring him along. We may run out of ice. 1136 01:03:11,928 --> 01:03:16,024 First diver for Grand Lakes University... 1137 01:03:16,066 --> 01:03:18,330 Chas Osbourne. 1138 01:03:41,491 --> 01:03:45,120 Hey, Coach! How are ya? How you doin', huh? 1139 01:03:49,766 --> 01:03:54,999 Next diver for Grand Lakes... Jason Melon. 1140 01:03:55,038 --> 01:03:57,336 Melon. 1141 01:04:42,585 --> 01:04:43,677 What's going on? 1142 01:04:43,720 --> 01:04:45,449 This is always the best party of the year. 1143 01:04:45,488 --> 01:04:48,116 I don't know. Some big event at the dorms. 1144 01:04:48,158 --> 01:04:51,719 - We're thinkin' of going over. - To Melon's? Are you nuts? 1145 01:04:51,761 --> 01:04:53,228 Why don't we go? 1146 01:04:53,263 --> 01:04:55,094 Valerie, please. It'll be horrible. 1147 01:04:55,131 --> 01:04:57,827 Jason said it would be great. It might be fun. 1148 01:04:57,867 --> 01:05:01,166 Jason's a twerp. We could have won if it weren't for him. 1149 01:05:01,204 --> 01:05:03,866 Haven't you ever messed up? 1150 01:05:03,907 --> 01:05:05,101 No. 1151 01:05:10,113 --> 01:05:14,743 I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go 1152 01:05:14,784 --> 01:05:16,513 Hey, baby! 1153 01:05:16,553 --> 01:05:19,784 Walking with a dead man over my shoulder 1154 01:05:22,559 --> 01:05:25,357 I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go 1155 01:05:27,697 --> 01:05:29,961 I love three girls at once. 1156 01:05:29,999 --> 01:05:33,059 If I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to. 1157 01:05:40,744 --> 01:05:43,042 Nice look. What are you going for? 1158 01:05:43,079 --> 01:05:45,445 The heavy, disassociated artist thing... 1159 01:05:45,482 --> 01:05:49,248 or the "I'm going blind" thing? 1160 01:05:49,285 --> 01:05:53,221 Oh, It's the deaf thing. Maybe this will cheer you up. 1161 01:05:53,256 --> 01:05:55,656 Oh, do me! 1162 01:05:55,692 --> 01:05:57,353 Derek! Get up, will ya? 1163 01:05:57,393 --> 01:06:00,556 You look like the poster boy for birth control. 1164 01:06:04,267 --> 01:06:06,735 Jason, it's a party. What's your story? 1165 01:06:06,770 --> 01:06:08,738 What's the matter? The swim meet? 1166 01:06:08,772 --> 01:06:12,731 Forget about it. It's history. 1167 01:06:12,776 --> 01:06:15,142 Come on, will ya? Snap into it! 1168 01:06:15,178 --> 01:06:17,510 You're right, Dad. It doesn't matter, Dad! 1169 01:06:17,547 --> 01:06:19,640 Right, Dad? Come on, party, right? 1170 01:06:27,123 --> 01:06:29,318 Hey, buddy! 1171 01:06:29,359 --> 01:06:31,691 Everybody, make some noise, have some fun! 1172 01:06:38,067 --> 01:06:39,864 What's that noise? 1173 01:06:39,903 --> 01:06:41,962 It's a party, Philip. Midterms, remember? 1174 01:06:42,005 --> 01:06:44,496 They're just blowing off steam. 1175 01:06:44,541 --> 01:06:45,769 You there. 1176 01:06:48,144 --> 01:06:49,441 What's going on here? 1177 01:06:49,479 --> 01:06:53,677 The Melon man is throwing the greatest party of all time! 1178 01:06:53,716 --> 01:06:56,810 The whole world is there. It's the best thing... 1179 01:06:56,853 --> 01:06:59,151 that's ever happened to me in my whole life! 1180 01:06:59,189 --> 01:07:01,487 Oh, God. 1181 01:07:05,862 --> 01:07:07,921 Look at that! 1182 01:07:07,964 --> 01:07:09,124 Listen to that racket. 1183 01:07:09,165 --> 01:07:11,429 This is disgraceful. I should phone security. 1184 01:07:11,467 --> 01:07:13,128 Oh, Philip. 1185 01:07:18,041 --> 01:07:21,238 Good. Apparently I'm not the only one around here... 1186 01:07:21,277 --> 01:07:22,835 with a sense of decency. 1187 01:07:29,118 --> 01:07:30,915 Yeah. Cool! 1188 01:07:34,757 --> 01:07:37,191 Did you see... where are you going? 1189 01:07:37,227 --> 01:07:39,195 Intellectual curiosity, Philip. 1190 01:07:39,229 --> 01:07:40,594 Sounds fun in there. Come with me. 1191 01:07:40,630 --> 01:07:43,531 - Oh, please! - Oh, Philip! 1192 01:07:47,403 --> 01:07:49,963 It's a dead man's party 1193 01:07:50,006 --> 01:07:52,167 Who could ask for more 1194 01:07:53,243 --> 01:07:55,177 Everybody's coming 1195 01:07:55,211 --> 01:07:58,112 Leave your body at the door 1196 01:07:58,147 --> 01:08:01,947 Leave your body and soul at the door 1197 01:08:02,952 --> 01:08:05,477 Don't run away 1198 01:08:05,521 --> 01:08:08,285 It's only me 1199 01:08:15,198 --> 01:08:17,359 Don't run away 1200 01:08:17,400 --> 01:08:20,699 It's only me, only me 1201 01:08:20,737 --> 01:08:24,002 Don't be afraid 1202 01:08:24,040 --> 01:08:28,500 Of what you can't see 1203 01:08:28,544 --> 01:08:30,705 Say when. 1204 01:08:30,747 --> 01:08:33,341 Right after this drink. 1205 01:08:33,383 --> 01:08:35,749 Hey, what's a bath without Bubbles? 1206 01:08:35,785 --> 01:08:38,447 Hey, Bubbles, come over here, will ya? 1207 01:08:40,757 --> 01:08:43,351 Well! 1208 01:08:43,393 --> 01:08:45,623 - Hi there. - Hi! 1209 01:08:45,662 --> 01:08:47,823 - What's your favorite subject? - Poetry. 1210 01:08:47,864 --> 01:08:51,857 Really? Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow. 1211 01:08:55,605 --> 01:08:57,664 Excuse me. Have you seen Thornton Melon? 1212 01:08:57,707 --> 01:08:59,470 I think he's in there. 1213 01:08:59,509 --> 01:09:00,669 Thanks. 1214 01:09:07,150 --> 01:09:10,017 Excuse me. Has anyone seen Thornton Melon? 1215 01:09:11,187 --> 01:09:13,781 That's what I call marine biology. 1216 01:09:13,823 --> 01:09:15,222 Diane! 1217 01:09:16,926 --> 01:09:19,087 Say hello to my nieces. 1218 01:09:20,663 --> 01:09:22,062 Wait a minute! 1219 01:09:26,736 --> 01:09:31,173 Jason? There you are. I was looking all over for you. 1220 01:09:31,207 --> 01:09:35,268 Jason, are you OK? I'm sorry about the swim meet. 1221 01:09:35,311 --> 01:09:38,508 Shit. Swim meet. 1222 01:09:38,548 --> 01:09:41,278 Jesus, you think I care about the swim meet? 1223 01:09:41,317 --> 01:09:43,182 I mean, it's just a stupid college game. 1224 01:09:43,219 --> 01:09:44,550 It's just bullshit. 1225 01:09:44,587 --> 01:09:46,521 Why are you acting like this? 1226 01:09:46,556 --> 01:09:48,547 I know you don't think like that. 1227 01:09:48,591 --> 01:09:50,957 Oh, you do? 1228 01:09:50,994 --> 01:09:54,054 Grow up, Valerie. You think this is real? 1229 01:09:54,097 --> 01:09:57,191 This isn't real. College is a dream world. 1230 01:09:57,233 --> 01:09:58,962 This is something you do to pass the time... 1231 01:09:59,002 --> 01:10:01,527 till you go out in the real world and start buying people. 1232 01:10:01,571 --> 01:10:04,233 Let's go for a walk and talk this out. 1233 01:10:04,273 --> 01:10:06,366 There you are. 1234 01:10:06,409 --> 01:10:08,400 Can we go? I'm bored. 1235 01:10:08,444 --> 01:10:09,672 Oh, Christ, Osbourne... 1236 01:10:09,712 --> 01:10:11,907 will you just get your ass outta here? 1237 01:10:11,948 --> 01:10:13,973 What a surprise. Another shit-faced Melon. 1238 01:10:14,017 --> 01:10:16,178 Do I gotta knock your teeth down your throat? 1239 01:10:16,219 --> 01:10:19,120 Easy. Your father isn't here to back you up this time. 1240 01:10:21,124 --> 01:10:22,591 Don't! 1241 01:10:26,963 --> 01:10:28,260 Are you OK? 1242 01:10:28,297 --> 01:10:31,994 Jason! I was lookin' for ya. 1243 01:10:32,035 --> 01:10:35,004 Hey, come here. Where ya goin'? 1244 01:10:35,038 --> 01:10:37,506 Where am I going? 1245 01:10:37,540 --> 01:10:40,236 I'm leaving school, Dad. One of us has gotta go. 1246 01:10:40,276 --> 01:10:42,471 You're having such a great time. I'm getting out. 1247 01:10:42,512 --> 01:10:43,979 Why? I don't get it. 1248 01:10:44,013 --> 01:10:45,708 Because you didn't win the diving meet? 1249 01:10:45,748 --> 01:10:47,511 No, not because I didn't win! 1250 01:10:47,550 --> 01:10:49,245 Because I shouldn't even have been there. 1251 01:10:49,285 --> 01:10:50,775 Chas told me you bribed the coach... 1252 01:10:50,820 --> 01:10:52,287 to put me on the team. Real good! 1253 01:10:52,321 --> 01:10:55,552 What? And you believed him. I never lied to you in my life. 1254 01:10:55,591 --> 01:10:56,853 I didn't bribe the coach. 1255 01:10:56,893 --> 01:10:58,622 You were on the team because you deserve it. 1256 01:10:58,661 --> 01:11:00,390 You made it on your own. 1257 01:11:00,430 --> 01:11:02,227 Dad, you don't get it. 1258 01:11:02,265 --> 01:11:03,823 Everything I have is because of you... 1259 01:11:03,866 --> 01:11:05,026 and because of you... 1260 01:11:05,068 --> 01:11:08,765 I get my astronomy homework done for me by NASA. 1261 01:11:08,805 --> 01:11:11,831 I just want the best for you. That's all I ever wanted. 1262 01:11:14,410 --> 01:11:16,071 I did it all for you. 1263 01:11:17,547 --> 01:11:20,072 I know, but you don't know when to quit. 1264 01:11:20,116 --> 01:11:23,984 I know you came here to help me, and I really appreciate it... 1265 01:11:24,020 --> 01:11:26,818 and it's really sweet, and it's really not working. 1266 01:11:26,856 --> 01:11:28,721 Can't you let me just do something for myself? 1267 01:11:28,758 --> 01:11:30,851 I just want to see you happy. 1268 01:11:30,893 --> 01:11:33,521 Well, take a good look! 1269 01:11:33,563 --> 01:11:37,192 'Cause I was a lot happier when I was miserable. 1270 01:11:48,811 --> 01:11:50,574 I enjoyed reading that, Susan. 1271 01:11:50,613 --> 01:11:51,910 It's a nice improvement. Thank you. 1272 01:11:51,948 --> 01:11:54,473 Diane, why'd you fail me? 1273 01:11:54,517 --> 01:11:57,008 I didn't, Thornton. You failed me. 1274 01:11:57,053 --> 01:12:00,511 - Is it because of last night? - No. I can accept the fact... 1275 01:12:00,556 --> 01:12:02,524 that you're completely regressed emotionally... 1276 01:12:02,558 --> 01:12:05,527 but you won't pass my course by turning in someone else's work. 1277 01:12:05,561 --> 01:12:08,291 What do you think, someone else wrote this? 1278 01:12:08,331 --> 01:12:10,765 All I know is that you didn't. That's what disappoints me. 1279 01:12:10,800 --> 01:12:12,859 Whoever did write it... 1280 01:12:12,902 --> 01:12:15,530 doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut. 1281 01:12:15,571 --> 01:12:16,833 And another thing, Vonnegut. 1282 01:12:16,873 --> 01:12:19,273 I'm going to stop payment on the check. 1283 01:12:19,308 --> 01:12:21,776 What's that? Fuck me? 1284 01:12:21,811 --> 01:12:25,440 Kurt, do you read lips? Fuck you! 1285 01:12:25,481 --> 01:12:27,472 Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum. 1286 01:12:31,454 --> 01:12:33,388 Derek, have you seen Jason? 1287 01:12:33,422 --> 01:12:36,391 I think he's on a three-state killing spree. 1288 01:12:36,425 --> 01:12:38,222 Here's some more potentially bad news. 1289 01:12:38,261 --> 01:12:41,128 Dean Martin wants to see you in his office right away. 1290 01:12:41,164 --> 01:12:42,495 Dean Martin. 1291 01:12:44,500 --> 01:12:48,960 And she said, "Let's do it. The room's already paid for." 1292 01:12:53,109 --> 01:12:56,772 Oh, golly. I'm afraid we have... 1293 01:12:56,812 --> 01:13:00,680 a potentially unpleasant situation on our hands here. 1294 01:13:00,716 --> 01:13:03,844 Phil, would you repeat to Mr. Melon... 1295 01:13:03,886 --> 01:13:06,980 the allegations that you've made to me? 1296 01:13:07,023 --> 01:13:09,992 It's clear the work you've handed in is not your own. 1297 01:13:10,026 --> 01:13:12,426 I'm accusing you of academic fraud. 1298 01:13:12,461 --> 01:13:16,192 Fraud is such an ugly word... 1299 01:13:16,232 --> 01:13:19,167 considering the financial generosity... 1300 01:13:19,202 --> 01:13:22,194 that Mr. Melon has shown towards our fine university. 1301 01:13:22,238 --> 01:13:24,934 I think Mr. Melon should be expelled. 1302 01:13:26,576 --> 01:13:29,739 What are you going to do about it? 1303 01:13:31,214 --> 01:13:33,341 Well, Thornton... 1304 01:13:33,382 --> 01:13:36,010 I'm only going to ask you this one time. 1305 01:13:36,052 --> 01:13:39,613 Is the work that you turned in your own? 1306 01:13:43,426 --> 01:13:45,951 I can't lie to you, Dean Martin. 1307 01:13:48,531 --> 01:13:50,021 Yes, it is. 1308 01:13:50,066 --> 01:13:52,660 I'm satisfied. 1309 01:13:52,702 --> 01:13:54,863 - Phil? - I'm outraged. 1310 01:13:54,904 --> 01:13:57,964 Gee whiz, Phil! I just asked the man... 1311 01:13:58,007 --> 01:14:00,134 if the work was his, and he said yes. 1312 01:14:00,176 --> 01:14:02,804 What do you want me to do, torture him? 1313 01:14:04,247 --> 01:14:07,580 I suggest a comprehensive oral examination... 1314 01:14:07,617 --> 01:14:10,017 conducted by all of Mr. Melon's professors. 1315 01:14:10,052 --> 01:14:11,519 Oral examination? 1316 01:14:11,554 --> 01:14:15,081 Yes. If you've done the work you say you have... 1317 01:14:15,124 --> 01:14:18,423 there should be no problem, should there? 1318 01:14:20,296 --> 01:14:22,662 Hey, Jase. 1319 01:14:22,698 --> 01:14:25,258 Hey, Lou. How you doin'? 1320 01:14:25,301 --> 01:14:27,166 Come here. I want to tell you something. 1321 01:14:27,203 --> 01:14:28,329 What? 1322 01:14:28,371 --> 01:14:30,601 You were pretty hard on your father last night. 1323 01:14:30,640 --> 01:14:33,040 I know, but the guy doesn't understand. 1324 01:14:33,075 --> 01:14:35,771 I know your pop thirty years. He understands. 1325 01:14:35,811 --> 01:14:38,177 He's a nice guy, and he's tough. 1326 01:14:38,214 --> 01:14:42,275 Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. 1327 01:14:42,318 --> 01:14:44,843 I'll give you an idea what I mean. 1328 01:14:44,887 --> 01:14:47,515 My two boys... I put one through college... 1329 01:14:47,556 --> 01:14:49,387 and the other I put through a wall. 1330 01:14:50,860 --> 01:14:52,851 Your papa loves you. 1331 01:14:54,130 --> 01:14:57,691 He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him. 1332 01:15:23,225 --> 01:15:24,522 What's goin' on? 1333 01:15:24,560 --> 01:15:27,324 I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason. 1334 01:15:27,363 --> 01:15:30,594 This college thing was a big mistake. 1335 01:15:30,633 --> 01:15:33,466 - So you're gonna give up? - I can't win. 1336 01:15:33,502 --> 01:15:36,130 They want me to take oral exams in all my subjects. 1337 01:15:36,172 --> 01:15:38,640 If I don't take them, they'll kick me out. 1338 01:15:38,674 --> 01:15:41,234 And if I take 'em, who knows where they'll kick me. 1339 01:15:44,013 --> 01:15:46,379 Hey, Dad, you remember what you told me... 1340 01:15:46,415 --> 01:15:48,542 when I told you I wanted to quit? 1341 01:15:48,584 --> 01:15:51,985 You told me that a man without an education is nothing. 1342 01:15:52,021 --> 01:15:53,113 I can't do it. 1343 01:15:53,155 --> 01:15:54,645 You can do anything you want to do. 1344 01:15:54,690 --> 01:15:57,818 You can do anything you want in life. 1345 01:15:57,860 --> 01:15:59,828 Remember, you're a Melon. 1346 01:16:03,833 --> 01:16:06,631 Don't quit. I'll help you. 1347 01:17:33,122 --> 01:17:35,386 Before we begin... 1348 01:17:35,424 --> 01:17:38,916 I would just like to thank each and every professor here... 1349 01:17:38,961 --> 01:17:43,898 for taking time out of his/her extremely busy schedule. 1350 01:17:43,933 --> 01:17:47,027 And a special thanks, of course, to Mr. Thornton Melon... 1351 01:17:47,069 --> 01:17:50,163 who I don't have to remind anyone is the donor... 1352 01:17:50,206 --> 01:17:53,107 of our new Melon School of Business. 1353 01:18:01,484 --> 01:18:03,452 We're wasting time. 1354 01:18:03,486 --> 01:18:06,114 Sorry, Phil. 1355 01:18:06,155 --> 01:18:09,454 Now, Mr. Melon, you'll have three hours... 1356 01:18:09,492 --> 01:18:11,460 to complete the examination. 1357 01:18:11,494 --> 01:18:16,261 If you fail any part of it, you will be expelled. 1358 01:18:16,298 --> 01:18:18,994 Mr. Melon, do you understand? 1359 01:18:20,870 --> 01:18:23,168 - The Council of Trent. - Excuse me? 1360 01:18:23,205 --> 01:18:24,729 I missed the question. 1361 01:18:24,773 --> 01:18:26,604 We haven't begun yet. 1362 01:18:28,777 --> 01:18:31,803 Well, Dr. Barbay, I suppose you're up first. 1363 01:18:46,295 --> 01:18:50,755 I have only one question for Mr. Melon... 1364 01:18:55,204 --> 01:18:58,367 in 27 parts. 1365 01:19:01,043 --> 01:19:03,773 I'd like to break him in 27 parts. 1366 01:19:03,812 --> 01:19:05,177 Excuse me? 1367 01:19:05,214 --> 01:19:06,579 No, nothin', nothin'. 1368 01:19:09,618 --> 01:19:12,985 Discuss the foundations of modern global business systems. 1369 01:19:13,022 --> 01:19:15,786 Part one: Define and differentiate... 1370 01:19:15,824 --> 01:19:17,792 the three economic philosophies... 1371 01:19:17,826 --> 01:19:20,021 of capitalism, socialism and communism... 1372 01:19:20,062 --> 01:19:23,589 as pertains to: A... management fundamentals; 1373 01:19:23,632 --> 01:19:25,793 B... organizing and staffing; 1374 01:19:25,834 --> 01:19:27,825 C... labor management; 1375 01:19:27,870 --> 01:19:30,600 and D... production and operations. 1376 01:19:30,639 --> 01:19:33,665 Part two... 1377 01:19:33,709 --> 01:19:36,678 Are you getting all this, Mr. Melon? 1378 01:19:36,712 --> 01:19:39,476 Yeah. It's a piece o' cake. 1379 01:19:42,117 --> 01:19:44,551 Jason? 1380 01:19:49,558 --> 01:19:51,526 Valerie. 1381 01:19:51,560 --> 01:19:56,122 I wanted to apologize for the other night... 1382 01:19:56,165 --> 01:20:00,568 my behavior and the things I said. 1383 01:20:00,603 --> 01:20:02,195 And to thank you... 1384 01:20:02,237 --> 01:20:05,434 for your behavior and the things you said. 1385 01:20:06,575 --> 01:20:10,102 I'm really sorry. 1386 01:20:10,145 --> 01:20:12,170 And I'm really in love with you... 1387 01:20:12,214 --> 01:20:13,977 and I really have been for a very long time. 1388 01:20:14,016 --> 01:20:17,144 And I can't believe I'm saying this. 1389 01:20:17,186 --> 01:20:20,087 I don't want to embarrass you... 1390 01:20:20,122 --> 01:20:23,455 or make you feel uncomfortable with me... 1391 01:20:23,492 --> 01:20:26,017 but... 1392 01:20:26,061 --> 01:20:31,761 I've been needing to tell you this for a very long time. 1393 01:20:34,536 --> 01:20:36,766 Are you aware that that's the most... 1394 01:20:36,805 --> 01:20:39,330 you've ever said to me at one time? 1395 01:20:39,375 --> 01:20:42,742 Except, of course, for the time that you were ravingly drunk. 1396 01:20:44,480 --> 01:20:45,970 I love you, too. 1397 01:21:08,103 --> 01:21:11,834 In response to Roman numeral 27... 1398 01:21:11,874 --> 01:21:14,843 section three, part two... 1399 01:21:14,877 --> 01:21:18,608 of subset D... of the question... 1400 01:21:18,647 --> 01:21:21,047 the answer is... 1401 01:21:22,117 --> 01:21:23,778 Mr. Melon? 1402 01:21:31,493 --> 01:21:32,721 Mr. Melon? 1403 01:21:32,761 --> 01:21:36,595 Hey, relax. This man's been put under a lot of pressure. 1404 01:21:36,632 --> 01:21:38,600 Let's take it easy on him. 1405 01:21:38,634 --> 01:21:40,795 Say it! Say it! 1406 01:21:42,271 --> 01:21:45,263 The answer is... four? 1407 01:21:52,481 --> 01:21:53,470 Right. 1408 01:22:00,522 --> 01:22:02,683 Dr. Turner? 1409 01:22:07,563 --> 01:22:10,031 Hold it. That's it. 1410 01:22:10,065 --> 01:22:11,657 I can't take it no more. 1411 01:22:11,700 --> 01:22:16,330 I feel like I just gave birth to an accountant. 1412 01:22:17,673 --> 01:22:19,163 Wait a minute, Thornton. 1413 01:22:31,086 --> 01:22:34,920 Thornton, do you remember when we discussed... 1414 01:22:34,957 --> 01:22:36,515 the Dylan Thomas poem... 1415 01:22:36,558 --> 01:22:39,083 "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night"? 1416 01:22:39,128 --> 01:22:41,153 I don't know. 1417 01:22:41,196 --> 01:22:43,596 No. Maybe. 1418 01:22:43,632 --> 01:22:45,532 Thornton, think. 1419 01:22:45,567 --> 01:22:47,398 What's going on here? 1420 01:22:48,804 --> 01:22:52,262 Philip, relax. It's my turn. 1421 01:22:56,678 --> 01:22:58,043 Do you remember it? 1422 01:22:59,748 --> 01:23:02,911 "Do not go gentle into... 1423 01:23:02,951 --> 01:23:05,511 "into that good night. 1424 01:23:07,689 --> 01:23:10,419 "Old age should burn and rage... 1425 01:23:10,459 --> 01:23:14,555 "at close of day. 1426 01:23:14,596 --> 01:23:17,929 "Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 1427 01:23:17,966 --> 01:23:20,400 "Wild men who caught... 1428 01:23:20,435 --> 01:23:23,461 "and sang the sun in flight and learned too late... 1429 01:23:23,505 --> 01:23:26,201 "they grieved it on its way. 1430 01:23:26,241 --> 01:23:29,802 "Do not go gentle into that good night. 1431 01:23:29,845 --> 01:23:32,507 "Grave men near death... 1432 01:23:32,548 --> 01:23:35,016 "who see with blinding sight. 1433 01:23:35,050 --> 01:23:38,451 "Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay. 1434 01:23:38,487 --> 01:23:42,685 "Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 1435 01:23:42,724 --> 01:23:47,457 "And you, my father, there on the sad height. 1436 01:23:47,496 --> 01:23:49,521 "Curse, bless me now... 1437 01:23:49,565 --> 01:23:51,499 "with your fierce tears, I pray. 1438 01:23:51,533 --> 01:23:54,900 "Do not go gentle into that good night. 1439 01:23:54,937 --> 01:23:58,998 "Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!" 1440 01:23:59,041 --> 01:24:01,839 Thornton, what does that poem mean to you? 1441 01:24:01,877 --> 01:24:03,970 It means... 1442 01:24:04,012 --> 01:24:06,310 I don't take shit from no one. 1443 01:24:07,749 --> 01:24:09,740 I'm gonna pass this test. 1444 01:24:09,785 --> 01:24:13,346 I'm stayin' in school! Who's next? 1445 01:24:16,391 --> 01:24:19,451 Now diving for the Atlantic Eastern Eagles... 1446 01:24:19,494 --> 01:24:23,453 current conference champion... Doug Nelson. 1447 01:24:23,498 --> 01:24:26,023 You know what you almost never see? 1448 01:24:26,068 --> 01:24:29,196 Somebody heckling a diver. 1449 01:24:41,850 --> 01:24:44,842 - You're all right, kid. - Thanks, Lou. 1450 01:24:44,887 --> 01:24:49,551 Please refrain from making loud noises during the dives. 1451 01:24:51,727 --> 01:24:55,629 Next up, the Atlantic Eastern Eagles'... 1452 01:24:55,664 --> 01:24:57,689 Bill Steincap. 1453 01:25:16,184 --> 01:25:20,177 That concludes Atlantic Eastern's ten-meter dives. 1454 01:25:20,222 --> 01:25:23,020 Next up, the Grand Lakes Hooters. 1455 01:25:25,961 --> 01:25:27,588 We would like to remind you... 1456 01:25:27,629 --> 01:25:29,893 tickets to all Grand Lakes sporting events... 1457 01:25:29,932 --> 01:25:32,992 are available through the student services office. 1458 01:25:33,035 --> 01:25:35,128 Are you interested in Valerie Desmond? 1459 01:25:35,170 --> 01:25:37,764 She's with me. 1460 01:25:37,806 --> 01:25:40,536 Coming into your own, are you, Melon? 1461 01:25:40,575 --> 01:25:42,042 I wouldn't break my arm... 1462 01:25:42,077 --> 01:25:44,307 patting myself on the back if I were you. 1463 01:25:44,346 --> 01:25:46,337 Because... get this, towel boy... 1464 01:25:46,381 --> 01:25:49,509 no matter what you think, you will always be a crude... 1465 01:25:49,551 --> 01:25:52,179 obnoxious, nouveau riche little phlebe... 1466 01:25:52,220 --> 01:25:54,552 and you're gonna end up just like your father. 1467 01:25:54,589 --> 01:25:58,548 God, I hope so, 'cause I happen to love the guy. 1468 01:25:58,593 --> 01:26:01,892 First up for Grand Lakes University... 1469 01:26:01,930 --> 01:26:04,057 Chas Osbourne... 1470 01:26:04,099 --> 01:26:06,829 former national high school champion. 1471 01:26:34,129 --> 01:26:37,121 - Jason dive yet? - Not yet. Did you pass? 1472 01:26:37,165 --> 01:26:38,632 I don't know. They'll let me know. 1473 01:26:38,667 --> 01:26:41,397 Now diving for Grand Lakes University... 1474 01:26:41,436 --> 01:26:43,768 Jason Melon. 1475 01:27:03,492 --> 01:27:05,517 Attaboy, Jason! You did it! 1476 01:27:10,899 --> 01:27:11,923 All right! 1477 01:27:16,738 --> 01:27:19,206 I can't believe it. We could actually win this. 1478 01:27:19,241 --> 01:27:23,200 Melon's dive has put the Hooters back in this meet. 1479 01:27:24,679 --> 01:27:26,146 What's the matter? 1480 01:27:27,682 --> 01:27:29,650 You're up next, Chas. 1481 01:27:32,587 --> 01:27:34,680 I have got a really bad cramp. 1482 01:27:34,723 --> 01:27:37,021 I've been having really bad cramps all week. 1483 01:27:37,059 --> 01:27:40,324 - It's probably menstrual. - Screw you, Melon! 1484 01:27:42,998 --> 01:27:46,957 Coach Turnbull, you got another eligible diver? 1485 01:27:49,404 --> 01:27:50,871 Melon! 1486 01:27:54,242 --> 01:27:58,542 Melon! We need ya! Get your suit on! 1487 01:27:58,580 --> 01:27:59,706 Go ahead. 1488 01:27:59,748 --> 01:28:01,875 Oh, not a chance. In the shape I'm in... 1489 01:28:01,917 --> 01:28:04,010 you could donate my body to science fiction. 1490 01:28:04,052 --> 01:28:06,418 Get your suit on! We need ya! 1491 01:28:06,455 --> 01:28:09,856 Come on, pal. Show 'em what you got. 1492 01:28:09,891 --> 01:28:12,189 Melon! We need ya! 1493 01:28:17,132 --> 01:28:21,728 Now diving in substitution for Grand Lakes University... 1494 01:28:21,770 --> 01:28:24,170 Thornton Melon. 1495 01:28:26,041 --> 01:28:28,271 He's on my substitute roster... 1496 01:28:28,310 --> 01:28:30,835 but I don't have it right now. 1497 01:28:30,879 --> 01:28:34,576 But what I'll do is, first chance I get... 1498 01:28:34,616 --> 01:28:36,174 I'll bring it to you. 1499 01:28:54,569 --> 01:28:57,003 What dive is he gonna do? 1500 01:28:57,038 --> 01:28:59,973 The Triple Lindy. 1501 01:29:00,008 --> 01:29:02,238 Melon! Melon! Melon! 1502 01:29:08,984 --> 01:29:11,544 There will be an additional springboard installed... 1503 01:29:11,586 --> 01:29:14,384 for Melon's dive, the Triple Lindy. 1504 01:29:14,422 --> 01:29:16,982 - Is that hard? - It's impossible. 1505 01:30:40,542 --> 01:30:43,033 Melon! You did it! 1506 01:30:47,949 --> 01:30:49,314 That was great! 1507 01:30:53,955 --> 01:30:57,914 Oh, you were great! That was incredible! 1508 01:30:57,959 --> 01:31:00,427 I guess there's nothing you can't do. 1509 01:31:00,462 --> 01:31:02,623 I've got the results of your exams right here. 1510 01:31:02,664 --> 01:31:03,790 Do I want to hear 'em? 1511 01:31:03,832 --> 01:31:06,426 You passed! All "Ds" and an "A." 1512 01:31:06,468 --> 01:31:08,493 Who gave me the "A"? 1513 01:31:08,536 --> 01:31:10,868 - I did. - Oh, yeah? 1514 01:31:10,905 --> 01:31:13,499 I would like to introduce our speaker today. 1515 01:31:13,541 --> 01:31:14,974 This is the first time... 1516 01:31:15,010 --> 01:31:18,411 in the history of this fine institution... 1517 01:31:18,446 --> 01:31:21,279 that a freshman has given this address. 1518 01:31:21,316 --> 01:31:23,910 Mr. Thornton Melon. 1519 01:31:36,898 --> 01:31:38,058 Thank you very much. 1520 01:31:38,099 --> 01:31:40,863 Thank you, Dean Martin, President Sinclair... 1521 01:31:40,902 --> 01:31:43,370 and members of the graduating class. 1522 01:31:43,405 --> 01:31:46,238 I have only one thing to say to you today... 1523 01:31:46,274 --> 01:31:47,707 it's a jungle out there. 1524 01:31:47,742 --> 01:31:50,302 You gotta look out for number one. 1525 01:31:50,345 --> 01:31:53,143 But don't step in number two. 1526 01:31:54,649 --> 01:31:57,675 And so, to all you graduates... 1527 01:31:57,719 --> 01:32:01,815 as you go out into the world my advice to you is... 1528 01:32:01,856 --> 01:32:04,825 don't go! It's rough out there. 1529 01:32:04,859 --> 01:32:07,828 Move back with your parents. Let them worry about it.