1
00:00:49,695 --> 00:00:52,268
In the bleak days of 1983...

2
00:00:52,489 --> 00:00:56,652
as England languished in the doldrums
of a ruinous monetarist policy...

3
00:00:57,202 --> 00:01:00,617
the good, loyal men
of the Permanent Assurance Company...

4
00:01:00,705 --> 00:01:05,034
a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times...

5
00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:09,876
strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.

6
00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:13,297
Terrible. Really terrible.

7
00:01:33,152 --> 00:01:34,231
Row!

8
00:02:01,345 --> 00:02:03,420
That's it, Evans. You're fired.

9
00:02:04,222 --> 00:02:05,764
You heard me. Out.

10
00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:09,592
Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.

11
00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:12,514
Sacked?

12
00:02:13,648 --> 00:02:18,025
Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em.

13
00:02:25,993 --> 00:02:27,024
Come on!

14
00:03:21,378 --> 00:03:23,251
Let me out of here!

15
00:03:24,756 --> 00:03:27,590
I demand to see my lawyer!

16
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,891
Tooley! Come on.

17
00:04:04,585 --> 00:04:06,624
Quiet! Silence!

18
00:04:07,170 --> 00:04:09,209
Now, lads, let's move.

19
00:04:09,297 --> 00:04:13,211
You, you and you, break open the weapons.

20
00:04:13,343 --> 00:04:16,260
You, you and you, into the rigging.

21
00:04:17,472 --> 00:04:21,255
- And you, put the kettle on.
- Aye, sir.

22
00:04:38,742 --> 00:04:40,568
There, there, Charles.

23
00:05:10,104 --> 00:05:11,218
Sorry!

24
00:05:11,981 --> 00:05:14,020
Come on, Tooley. This way!

25
00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:40,707
Weigh the anchor!

26
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:42,918
Weigh the anchor!

27
00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:45,880
Weigh the anchor.

28
00:06:51,157 --> 00:06:54,074
And so,
the Crimson Permanent Assurance...

29
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:58,453
was launched upon the high seas
of international finance.

30
00:07:16,472 --> 00:07:19,389
Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route!

31
00:07:20,851 --> 00:07:23,804
Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!

32
00:07:24,396 --> 00:07:26,851
Look! To starboard!

33
00:07:30,944 --> 00:07:33,944
There it lay:
The prize they sought.

34
00:07:35,323 --> 00:07:37,149
Hard to starboard!

35
00:07:37,617 --> 00:07:41,946
A financial district swollen
with multinationals, conglomerates...

36
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:45,865
and fat, bloated merchant banks.

37
00:07:48,711 --> 00:07:52,044
All right, lads, battle stations!

38
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,582
Come on! Move it!

39
00:08:20,824 --> 00:08:23,694
All right, then.
That's enough. Take cover!

40
00:08:45,430 --> 00:08:47,387
Down, down!

41
00:09:24,842 --> 00:09:26,751
Hard to starboard!

42
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:51,115
Fire!

43
00:11:00,848 --> 00:11:02,970
Eric! My balance sheets!

44
00:11:05,436 --> 00:11:07,428
Ross! Get the readouts!

45
00:11:14,820 --> 00:11:16,978
- Stop him!
- Eric!

46
00:11:17,697 --> 00:11:19,239
Thanks! Charge!

47
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,702
No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.

48
00:12:19,463 --> 00:12:20,494
Captured!

49
00:12:28,555 --> 00:12:29,634
Gotcha!

50
00:13:07,550 --> 00:13:08,712
Take this.

51
00:13:14,681 --> 00:13:16,554
Here. File this.

52
00:13:28,236 --> 00:13:29,398
Shit!

53
00:13:38,704 --> 00:13:42,203
And so,
heartened by their initial success...

54
00:13:42,374 --> 00:13:47,331
the desperate and reasonably violent
men of the Permanent Assurance...

55
00:13:48,129 --> 00:13:50,915
battled on, until...

56
00:13:52,508 --> 00:13:55,710
as the sun set slowly in the west...

57
00:13:56,470 --> 00:14:00,799
the outstanding returns on their bold
business venture became apparent.

58
00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:06,515
Once-proud financial giants lay in ruins...

59
00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:11,265
their assets stripped...

60
00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:15,812
their policies in tatters.

61
00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:31,952
Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!

62
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:35,671
Up, up, up your premium

63
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,339
Scribble away and balance the books

64
00:14:39,761 --> 00:14:42,880
Scribble away, but balance the books

65
00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:46,929
It's fun to charter an accountant

66
00:14:47,018 --> 00:14:50,635
And sail the wide accountancy

67
00:14:51,272 --> 00:14:55,399
To find, explore the funds offshore

68
00:14:55,484 --> 00:14:58,935
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy

69
00:14:59,446 --> 00:15:02,731
It can be manly in insurance

70
00:15:03,366 --> 00:15:06,781
We'll up your premium semi-annually

71
00:15:07,286 --> 00:15:11,330
It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptible

72
00:15:11,582 --> 00:15:14,618
Sailing on the wide accountancy

73
00:15:16,545 --> 00:15:20,328
And so, they sailed off
into the ledgers of history...

74
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:23,837
one by one, the financial capitals
of the world...

75
00:15:23,927 --> 00:15:27,046
crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.

76
00:15:27,639 --> 00:15:29,346
Or so it would have been...

77
00:15:29,432 --> 00:15:32,966
if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the world...

78
00:15:33,061 --> 00:15:36,761
had not proved to be disastrously wrong.

79
00:17:06,679 --> 00:17:08,256
'Morning.
'Morning.

80
00:17:14,436 --> 00:17:15,894
'Morning.
'Morning.

81
00:17:25,822 --> 00:17:28,194
What's new?
Not much.

82
00:17:33,621 --> 00:17:36,455
'Morning!
Good morning! 'Morning!

83
00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:41,532
Frank was just asking what's new.
Was he?

84
00:17:42,463 --> 00:17:43,577
Yes.

85
00:17:46,716 --> 00:17:50,084
Hey, look. Howard's being eaten.
Is he?

86
00:17:58,519 --> 00:18:00,428
Makes you think, doesn't it?

87
00:18:00,730 --> 00:18:02,639
I mean, what's it all about?

88
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:04,763
Beats me.

89
00:18:06,777 --> 00:18:10,311
Why are we here, what's life all about?

90
00:18:11,948 --> 00:18:16,443
Is God really real or is there some doubt?

91
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:22,490
Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out

92
00:18:23,084 --> 00:18:25,918
Tonight it's the meaning of life

93
00:18:28,214 --> 00:18:32,128
What's the point of all this hoax?

94
00:18:33,051 --> 00:18:35,802
Is it the chicken and the egg time?

95
00:18:35,887 --> 00:18:38,175
Are we just yolks?

96
00:18:38,598 --> 00:18:43,306
Or perhaps we're just
one of God's little jokes

97
00:18:44,187 --> 00:18:47,686
Well, �a, c'est le meaning of life

98
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:54,108
Is life just a game
where we make up the rules

99
00:18:54,530 --> 00:18:58,361
While we're searching for something to say

100
00:18:59,701 --> 00:19:04,446
Or are we just simply spiraling coils

101
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,740
Of self-replicating DNA?

102
00:19:10,503 --> 00:19:13,954
In this life what is our fate?

103
00:19:15,466 --> 00:19:17,423
Is there Heaven and Hell?

104
00:19:18,093 --> 00:19:19,717
Do we reincarnate?

105
00:19:21,221 --> 00:19:26,012
Is mankind evolving or is it too late?

106
00:19:26,184 --> 00:19:29,433
Well, tonight here's the meaning of life

107
00:19:30,939 --> 00:19:35,814
For millions this life is a sad vale of tears

108
00:19:36,611 --> 00:19:39,647
Sitting round with rien, nothing to say

109
00:19:41,824 --> 00:19:47,030
While scientists say
we're just simply spiraling coils

110
00:19:47,204 --> 00:19:50,952
Of self-replicating DNA

111
00:19:52,501 --> 00:19:55,703
So just why, why are we here?

112
00:19:57,338 --> 00:20:00,623
And just what, what do we fear?

113
00:20:02,844 --> 00:20:08,004
Well, ce soir,
for a change it will all be made clear

114
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:11,757
For this is the meaning of life

115
00:20:12,436 --> 00:20:16,896
C'est le sens de la vie
This is the meaning of life

116
00:20:51,139 --> 00:20:52,846
One thousand and eight!

117
00:20:53,015 --> 00:20:55,221
Mrs. Moore's contractions are
more frequent.

118
00:20:55,309 --> 00:20:57,764
Good.
Take her into the fetus-frightening room.

119
00:21:06,486 --> 00:21:07,648
Jolly good.

120
00:21:08,154 --> 00:21:10,644
It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

121
00:21:11,616 --> 00:21:12,730
Yes.

122
00:21:12,992 --> 00:21:15,364
Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse.

123
00:21:16,037 --> 00:21:18,741
The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV.

124
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:19,988
Certainly.

125
00:21:20,082 --> 00:21:21,955
And get the machine that goes, "Ping!"

126
00:21:22,209 --> 00:21:26,040
And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.

127
00:21:34,179 --> 00:21:36,254
That's it. Bring it right here.

128
00:21:36,347 --> 00:21:38,588
Behind me. Lovely, lovely.

129
00:21:39,225 --> 00:21:41,894
Jolly good. That's better.
That's much, much better.

130
00:21:41,978 --> 00:21:44,682
Yes, more like it.

131
00:21:45,356 --> 00:21:47,431
Still something missing, though.

132
00:21:53,322 --> 00:21:54,780
- Patient.
- Yes.

133
00:21:54,865 --> 00:21:56,407
Where's the patient?

134
00:21:56,533 --> 00:21:57,695
Patient!

135
00:21:58,660 --> 00:22:01,032
Here she is.
Bring it over here.

136
00:22:01,538 --> 00:22:03,826
Mind the machine!
Sorry, Doctor.

137
00:22:03,915 --> 00:22:05,029
Come along!

138
00:22:05,124 --> 00:22:06,286
Jump on it.

139
00:22:06,417 --> 00:22:10,331
- Hello. Now don't you worry.
- We'll soon have you cured.

140
00:22:10,629 --> 00:22:13,298
Leave it all to us.
You'll never know what hit you.

141
00:22:13,382 --> 00:22:14,662
Good-bye.

142
00:22:14,758 --> 00:22:16,501
- Drips up.
- Injections.

143
00:22:16,677 --> 00:22:20,211
- Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
- If I can do the episiotomy.

144
00:22:20,514 --> 00:22:21,593
Legs up.

145
00:22:22,474 --> 00:22:24,596
Come in.
Come on in, all of you.

146
00:22:24,684 --> 00:22:26,842
That's it. Jolly good.
Come on.

147
00:22:27,145 --> 00:22:28,307
Spread round there.

148
00:22:28,396 --> 00:22:30,388
- Who are you?
- I'm the husband.

149
00:22:30,565 --> 00:22:33,601
I'm sorry,
only people involved are allowed in here.

150
00:22:35,111 --> 00:22:36,653
- What do I do?
- Yes?

151
00:22:37,363 --> 00:22:41,027
- What do I do?
- Nothing, dear. You're not qualified.

152
00:22:41,617 --> 00:22:42,731
Leave it to us.

153
00:22:42,826 --> 00:22:44,201
What's that for?

154
00:22:44,411 --> 00:22:46,652
That's the machine that goes, "Ping!"

155
00:22:48,039 --> 00:22:50,909
You see?
That means your baby is still alive.

156
00:22:51,751 --> 00:22:55,368
And that's the most expensive machine
in the whole hospital.

157
00:22:55,588 --> 00:22:58,374
Yes, it cost over �750,000.

158
00:22:58,466 --> 00:22:59,876
Aren't you lucky!

159
00:23:00,676 --> 00:23:02,834
The administrator is here, Doctor.

160
00:23:03,012 --> 00:23:04,671
Switch everything on.

161
00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:06,460
'Morning, gentlemen.

162
00:23:06,557 --> 00:23:08,430
'Morning.
'Morning.

163
00:23:08,517 --> 00:23:10,260
'Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

164
00:23:10,394 --> 00:23:12,516
Very impressive.

165
00:23:12,604 --> 00:23:15,640
- And what are you doing this morning?
- It's a birth.

166
00:23:16,357 --> 00:23:18,016
And what sort of thing is that?

167
00:23:18,109 --> 00:23:22,687
That's when we take a new baby
out of a lady's tummy.

168
00:23:23,155 --> 00:23:24,649
Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

169
00:23:25,908 --> 00:23:28,233
I see you have the machine
that goes, "Ping!"

170
00:23:28,661 --> 00:23:30,071
This is my favourite.

171
00:23:30,162 --> 00:23:32,735
We lease this back
from the company we sold it to.

172
00:23:32,831 --> 00:23:37,326
That way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.

173
00:23:41,339 --> 00:23:45,087
Thank you, thank you.
We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

174
00:23:46,135 --> 00:23:49,088
- The vulva's dilating, Doctor.
- Yes, there's the head.

175
00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:52,050
Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres.

176
00:23:52,224 --> 00:23:54,181
- Lights!
- Amplify the ping machine.

177
00:23:54,268 --> 00:23:56,225
- Masks up!
- Suction!

178
00:23:56,395 --> 00:23:58,102
Eyes down for a full house!

179
00:23:58,188 --> 00:23:59,847
Here it comes.

180
00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:03,975
And frighten it.

181
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:05,600
Thank you.

182
00:24:05,987 --> 00:24:07,860
And the rough towels!

183
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:11,114
Show it to the mother.

184
00:24:11,492 --> 00:24:13,531
That's enough.
Sedate her.

185
00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:17,486
- Number the child.
- Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it.

186
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,456
Okay, show's over.

187
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:22,787
Is it a boy or a girl?

188
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:26,745
I think it's a little early
to start imposing roles on it, don't you?

189
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,120
A word of advice.

190
00:24:28,216 --> 00:24:32,260
You may find you suffer for some time
a totally irrational feeling of depression...

191
00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:34,171
P.N.D., as we doctors call it.

192
00:24:34,263 --> 00:24:36,338
So, it's lots of happy pills for you...

193
00:24:36,432 --> 00:24:39,218
and you can find out about the birth
when you get home.

194
00:24:39,310 --> 00:24:42,974
It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.

195
00:25:05,501 --> 00:25:07,410
Bloody hell.

196
00:25:16,344 --> 00:25:19,261
Get it, would you, Deirdre?
All right, Mum.

197
00:25:28,939 --> 00:25:31,061
Now whose teatime is it?
Mine!

198
00:25:32,735 --> 00:25:34,063
Come on. Out you go.

199
00:25:34,153 --> 00:25:38,232
Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine,
Martha, Andrew, Thomas...

200
00:25:38,407 --> 00:25:42,451
Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael,
Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha...

201
00:25:42,536 --> 00:25:44,113
it's your bedtime.

202
00:25:44,704 --> 00:25:46,363
Now don't argue!

203
00:25:46,748 --> 00:25:49,618
Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and...

204
00:25:49,751 --> 00:25:53,795
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.

205
00:25:54,505 --> 00:25:57,422
Quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon.

206
00:25:58,968 --> 00:26:01,838
The mill's closed. There's no more work.

207
00:26:02,095 --> 00:26:03,589
We're destitute.

208
00:26:05,474 --> 00:26:06,884
Come in, my little loves.

209
00:26:06,975 --> 00:26:10,723
I've got no option but to sell you all
for scientific experiments.

210
00:26:13,022 --> 00:26:15,394
No, no, that's the way it is, my loves.

211
00:26:15,566 --> 00:26:19,266
Blame the Catholic Church for
not letting me wear a little rubber thing.

212
00:26:19,362 --> 00:26:21,983
They've done some
wonderful things in their time.

213
00:26:22,072 --> 00:26:26,449
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome...

214
00:26:26,535 --> 00:26:30,912
and the sanctity of the Sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity...

215
00:26:30,997 --> 00:26:34,697
but if they'd let me wear a little rubber thing
on the end of my cock...

216
00:26:34,793 --> 00:26:37,248
we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

217
00:26:37,337 --> 00:26:40,041
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?

218
00:26:41,424 --> 00:26:45,468
Not if we're going to remain members
of the fastest-growing religion in the world.

219
00:26:45,553 --> 00:26:46,715
He's right.

220
00:26:47,137 --> 00:26:49,212
You see, we believe...

221
00:26:49,848 --> 00:26:51,757
Let me put it like this:

222
00:26:52,017 --> 00:26:54,175
There are Jews in the world

223
00:26:54,519 --> 00:26:56,310
There are Buddhists

224
00:26:56,605 --> 00:27:00,139
There are Hindus and Mormons and then

225
00:27:01,317 --> 00:27:04,816
There are those that follow Mohammed

226
00:27:04,904 --> 00:27:09,115
But I've never been one of them

227
00:27:12,036 --> 00:27:14,705
I'm a Roman Catholic

228
00:27:15,205 --> 00:27:18,122
And have been since before I was born

229
00:27:18,875 --> 00:27:22,160
And the one thing they say about Catholics

230
00:27:22,420 --> 00:27:26,037
Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm

231
00:27:26,341 --> 00:27:29,425
You don't have to be a six-footer

232
00:27:29,927 --> 00:27:32,880
You don't have to have a great brain

233
00:27:33,764 --> 00:27:37,013
You don't have to have any clothes on

234
00:27:37,184 --> 00:27:41,228
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came

235
00:27:41,813 --> 00:27:44,185
Because

236
00:27:44,691 --> 00:27:48,902
Every sperm is sacred

237
00:27:49,487 --> 00:27:53,104
Every sperm is great

238
00:27:54,075 --> 00:27:58,072
If a sperm is wasted

239
00:27:58,454 --> 00:28:01,620
God gets quite irate

240
00:28:03,125 --> 00:28:06,873
Every sperm is sacred

241
00:28:07,379 --> 00:28:11,376
Every sperm is great

242
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,714
If a sperm is wasted

243
00:28:16,221 --> 00:28:19,969
God gets quite irate

244
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:24,727
Let the heathens spill theirs

245
00:28:24,979 --> 00:28:28,478
On the dusty ground

246
00:28:29,358 --> 00:28:32,275
God shall make them pay

247
00:28:32,653 --> 00:28:36,982
For each sperm that can't be found

248
00:28:38,116 --> 00:28:42,065
Every sperm is wanted

249
00:28:42,412 --> 00:28:46,160
Every sperm is good

250
00:28:46,749 --> 00:28:50,746
Every sperm is needed

251
00:28:50,961 --> 00:28:54,875
In your neighbourhood

252
00:28:55,132 --> 00:28:58,547
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon

253
00:28:58,802 --> 00:29:02,384
Spill theirs just anywhere

254
00:29:02,931 --> 00:29:06,346
But God loves those who treat

255
00:29:06,476 --> 00:29:10,555
Their semen with more care

256
00:29:11,564 --> 00:29:15,264
Every sperm is sacred

257
00:29:15,651 --> 00:29:18,900
Every sperm is great

258
00:29:19,488 --> 00:29:22,690
If a sperm is wasted

259
00:29:22,991 --> 00:29:26,324
God gets quite irate

260
00:29:26,703 --> 00:29:30,570
Every sperm is sacred

261
00:29:30,748 --> 00:29:34,033
Every sperm is good

262
00:29:34,669 --> 00:29:38,369
Every sperm is needed

263
00:29:38,631 --> 00:29:42,213
In your neighbourhood

264
00:29:42,551 --> 00:29:46,085
Every sperm is useful

265
00:29:46,430 --> 00:29:49,881
Every sperm is fine

266
00:29:50,183 --> 00:29:53,634
God needs everybody's

267
00:29:53,978 --> 00:29:55,306
- Mine
- And mine

268
00:29:55,522 --> 00:29:57,431
And mine

269
00:30:12,704 --> 00:30:16,368
Let the pagans spill theirs

270
00:30:16,541 --> 00:30:20,408
O'er mountain, hill and plain

271
00:30:20,587 --> 00:30:23,256
God shall strike them down

272
00:30:23,548 --> 00:30:27,592
For each sperm that's spilt in vain

273
00:30:28,302 --> 00:30:31,836
Every sperm is sacred

274
00:30:32,139 --> 00:30:35,590
Every sperm is good

275
00:30:35,976 --> 00:30:39,427
Every sperm is needed

276
00:30:39,771 --> 00:30:43,056
In your neighbourhood

277
00:30:43,692 --> 00:30:46,894
Every sperm is sacred

278
00:30:47,237 --> 00:30:50,486
Every sperm is great

279
00:30:50,990 --> 00:30:54,441
If a sperm is wasted

280
00:30:54,702 --> 00:30:59,529
God gets quite irate

281
00:31:08,131 --> 00:31:10,372
So you see my problem, little ones.

282
00:31:10,467 --> 00:31:12,673
I can't keep you all here any longer.

283
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:14,088
Speak up!

284
00:31:14,679 --> 00:31:17,004
I can't keep you all here any longer!

285
00:31:17,974 --> 00:31:21,556
God has blessed us so much
I can't afford to feed you anymore.

286
00:31:22,019 --> 00:31:24,344
Couldn't you have your balls cut off?

287
00:31:25,063 --> 00:31:28,063
It's not as simple as that, Nigel.
God knows all.

288
00:31:28,608 --> 00:31:33,353
He'd see through such a cheap trick.
What we do to ourselves, we do to him.

289
00:31:33,822 --> 00:31:36,739
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.

290
00:31:38,326 --> 00:31:42,655
No. Children, I know you're trying to help,
but believe me, my mind's made up.

291
00:31:42,747 --> 00:31:45,368
I've given this long and careful thought...

292
00:31:46,083 --> 00:31:49,451
and it has to be medical experiments
for the lot of you.

293
00:31:51,171 --> 00:31:54,954
Every sperm is sacred

294
00:31:56,384 --> 00:32:01,010
Every sperm is great

295
00:32:02,557 --> 00:32:04,383
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.

296
00:32:04,475 --> 00:32:08,970
Filling the bloody world up with people
they can't afford to bloody feed.

297
00:32:09,355 --> 00:32:10,765
What are we, dear?

298
00:32:10,856 --> 00:32:13,263
Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.

299
00:32:14,026 --> 00:32:16,730
Why do they have so many children?

300
00:32:16,820 --> 00:32:20,484
Every time they have sexual intercourse
they have to have a baby.

301
00:32:20,949 --> 00:32:24,033
- But it's the same with us, Harry.
- What do you mean?

302
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:28,738
I mean we've got two children,
and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

303
00:32:29,082 --> 00:32:32,367
That's not the point.
We could have it any time we wanted.

304
00:32:32,668 --> 00:32:35,372
- Really?
- And what's more, since we don't believe...

305
00:32:35,463 --> 00:32:38,499
in all that papist claptrap,
we can take precautions.

306
00:32:39,133 --> 00:32:40,959
What you mean, lock the door?

307
00:32:41,051 --> 00:32:44,918
No. I mean because we're members
of the Protestant Reformed Church...

308
00:32:45,013 --> 00:32:48,547
which successfully challenged
the autocratic power of the Papacy...

309
00:32:48,641 --> 00:32:52,555
in the mid-16th century, we can wear
little rubber devices to prevent issue.

310
00:32:52,645 --> 00:32:53,807
What do you mean?

311
00:32:53,896 --> 00:32:56,682
I could, if I wanted,
have sexual intercourse with you.

312
00:32:56,774 --> 00:32:58,054
Oh, yes, Harry.

313
00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:00,936
And, by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow...

314
00:33:01,028 --> 00:33:04,942
I could ensure that when I came off,
you would not be impregnated.

315
00:33:05,782 --> 00:33:09,696
That's what being a Protestant's all about.
That's why it's the church for me.

316
00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:13,119
That's why it's the church
for anyone who respects the individual...

317
00:33:13,206 --> 00:33:16,372
and the individual's right
to decide for him or herself.

318
00:33:16,584 --> 00:33:20,830
When Martin Luther nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517...

319
00:33:20,922 --> 00:33:24,539
he may not have realised
the full significance of what he was doing...

320
00:33:24,633 --> 00:33:27,384
but 400 years later, thanks to him...

321
00:33:27,469 --> 00:33:30,303
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.

322
00:33:30,514 --> 00:33:33,431
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom.

323
00:33:33,517 --> 00:33:37,099
- Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
- You what?

324
00:33:37,187 --> 00:33:40,306
French Ticklers, black mambos,
crocodile ribs.

325
00:33:40,398 --> 00:33:43,184
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect...

326
00:33:43,276 --> 00:33:46,691
but also to enhance
the stimulation of sexual congress.

327
00:33:46,779 --> 00:33:47,893
Have you got one?

328
00:33:47,989 --> 00:33:51,606
Have I got one? No, but I can go down
the road anytime I want...

329
00:33:51,909 --> 00:33:55,988
and walk into Harry's, and hold my head
up high and say, in a loud, steady voice:

330
00:33:56,079 --> 00:33:58,652
"Harry, I want you to sell me a condom.

331
00:33:58,749 --> 00:34:02,746
"In fact, today I think I'll have
a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant."

332
00:34:02,836 --> 00:34:04,994
- Why don't you?
- But they cannot.

333
00:34:05,338 --> 00:34:08,706
Because their church never made
the leap out of the Middle Ages...

334
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:11,800
and the domination of
alien Episcopal supremacy.

335
00:34:12,094 --> 00:34:14,300
But despite the attempts
of Protestants...

336
00:34:14,388 --> 00:34:16,629
to promote the idea of sex for pleasure...

337
00:34:17,057 --> 00:34:19,096
children continue to multiply everywhere.

338
00:34:26,524 --> 00:34:30,853
"And spotteth twice
they the camels before the third hour.

339
00:34:32,196 --> 00:34:35,813
"And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead...

340
00:34:36,284 --> 00:34:38,157
"in Kadesh Bilgemeth...

341
00:34:38,327 --> 00:34:40,236
"by Shor Ethra Regalion...

342
00:34:40,329 --> 00:34:44,492
"to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda.

343
00:34:44,792 --> 00:34:47,626
"He who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar...

344
00:34:47,711 --> 00:34:50,795
"and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon.

345
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:53,960
"And there, slew they the goats...

346
00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:59,252
"yea, and placed they the bits in little pots."

347
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:02,723
Here endeth the lesson.

348
00:35:03,017 --> 00:35:05,175
Let us praise God.

349
00:35:09,857 --> 00:35:11,185
Oh, Lord.

350
00:35:12,609 --> 00:35:13,438
Oh, Lord.

351
00:35:14,528 --> 00:35:16,650
You are so big.

352
00:35:17,447 --> 00:35:19,688
You are so big.

353
00:35:20,074 --> 00:35:21,651
So absolutely huge.

354
00:35:23,161 --> 00:35:26,529
So absolutely huge.

355
00:35:27,164 --> 00:35:31,825
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.

356
00:35:32,294 --> 00:35:37,002
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.

357
00:35:37,341 --> 00:35:41,670
Forgive us, Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.

358
00:35:42,429 --> 00:35:45,133
And barefaced flattery.

359
00:35:45,431 --> 00:35:50,472
But you're so strong,
and, well, just so super.

360
00:35:51,395 --> 00:35:53,186
Fantastic.

361
00:35:53,814 --> 00:35:55,972
Amen, Reverend.
Amen.

362
00:35:56,275 --> 00:35:58,350
Now two boys have been found...

363
00:35:58,444 --> 00:36:01,444
rubbing linseed oil
into the school cormorant.

364
00:36:02,614 --> 00:36:05,614
Some of you may feel
that the cormorant does not play...

365
00:36:05,700 --> 00:36:09,531
an important part in the life
of the school, but I would remind you...

366
00:36:09,621 --> 00:36:13,618
that it was presented to us by
the corporation of the town of Sudbury...

367
00:36:13,708 --> 00:36:16,494
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember...

368
00:36:16,586 --> 00:36:19,503
the names of all those from
the Sudbury area...

369
00:36:19,588 --> 00:36:21,995
who so gallantly gave their lives...

370
00:36:22,466 --> 00:36:24,541
to keep China British.

371
00:36:25,260 --> 00:36:29,471
So from now on,
the cormorant is strictly out of bounds!

372
00:36:31,975 --> 00:36:36,387
And Jenkins,
apparently your mother died this morning.

373
00:36:36,938 --> 00:36:38,052
Chaplain.

374
00:36:42,610 --> 00:36:46,109
O Lord, please don't burn us

375
00:36:46,363 --> 00:36:49,696
Don't grill or toast your flock

376
00:36:50,367 --> 00:36:54,530
Don't put us on the barbecue

377
00:36:55,038 --> 00:36:58,489
Or simmer us in stock

378
00:36:59,167 --> 00:37:02,950
Don't braise or bake or boil us

379
00:37:03,337 --> 00:37:06,954
Or stir-fry us in a wok

380
00:37:08,300 --> 00:37:12,344
Oh, please don't lightly poach us

381
00:37:12,513 --> 00:37:15,928
Or baste us with hot fat

382
00:37:17,225 --> 00:37:21,602
Don't fricassee or roast us

383
00:37:21,855 --> 00:37:24,974
Or boil us in a vat

384
00:37:25,733 --> 00:37:30,560
And please don't stick thy servants, Lord

385
00:37:30,696 --> 00:37:34,563
In a Rotissomat

386
00:37:40,497 --> 00:37:41,659
He's coming!

387
00:37:49,047 --> 00:37:51,668
All right, settle down, settle down.

388
00:37:53,342 --> 00:37:55,832
Before I begin the lesson,
will those of you...

389
00:37:55,928 --> 00:37:59,094
playing in the match this afternoon
move your clothes down...

390
00:37:59,181 --> 00:38:01,671
onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch...

391
00:38:01,767 --> 00:38:04,720
before you write home,
if you're not getting a haircut...

392
00:38:04,812 --> 00:38:08,939
unless you have a brother going out
this weekend as the guest of another boy...

393
00:38:09,024 --> 00:38:12,973
then collect his note before lunch,
put it in your letter after your haircut.

394
00:38:13,069 --> 00:38:16,354
Make sure he moves your clothes
onto the lower peg for you.

395
00:38:16,739 --> 00:38:18,363
- Sir?
- Yes, Wymer?

396
00:38:18,449 --> 00:38:20,986
My brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend...

397
00:38:21,077 --> 00:38:23,532
but I'm not having my hair cut,
so do I move...

398
00:38:23,621 --> 00:38:26,870
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.

399
00:38:27,041 --> 00:38:31,252
If you're not getting your hair cut, you
don't have to move your brother's clothes.

400
00:38:31,336 --> 00:38:35,878
You simply collect his note before lunch,
after you've done your scripture prep...

401
00:38:36,007 --> 00:38:38,758
when you've written your letter home
before rest...

402
00:38:38,843 --> 00:38:42,092
move your clothes onto the lower peg,
greet the visitors...

403
00:38:42,180 --> 00:38:45,429
and report to Mr. Viney
that you've had your chit signed.

404
00:38:46,475 --> 00:38:47,803
Now, sex.

405
00:38:50,938 --> 00:38:53,938
Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?

406
00:38:58,361 --> 00:39:02,738
Well, had I got as far as
the penis entering the vagina?

407
00:39:07,412 --> 00:39:09,570
- No, sir.
- No, sir.

408
00:39:10,331 --> 00:39:12,453
Well, had I done foreplay?

409
00:39:15,294 --> 00:39:16,622
Yes, sir.

410
00:39:17,296 --> 00:39:21,423
As we all know all about foreplay,
no doubt you can tell me...

411
00:39:21,550 --> 00:39:24,123
what the purpose of foreplay is...

412
00:39:25,428 --> 00:39:26,459
Biggs.

413
00:39:30,934 --> 00:39:32,641
Don't know. Sorry, sir.

414
00:39:33,269 --> 00:39:34,300
Carter?

415
00:39:37,189 --> 00:39:39,430
Was it taking your clothes off, sir?

416
00:39:40,526 --> 00:39:42,103
And after that?

417
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:45,478
Putting them on a lower peg, sir.

418
00:39:47,699 --> 00:39:51,696
The purpose of foreplay is
to cause the vagina to lubricate...

419
00:39:52,037 --> 00:39:55,536
so that the penis can penetrate more easily.

420
00:39:56,124 --> 00:39:57,701
Could we open a window, sir?

421
00:39:57,792 --> 00:39:59,416
Yes. Harris, will you?

422
00:39:59,502 --> 00:40:04,329
And, of course, to cause the man's penis
to erect and harden.

423
00:40:06,675 --> 00:40:11,217
Now, did I do vaginal juices last week?

424
00:40:11,305 --> 00:40:13,593
Pay attention, Wadsworth!
I know it's Friday.

425
00:40:13,682 --> 00:40:14,962
Watching the football?

426
00:40:15,058 --> 00:40:17,762
Boy, move over there. I'm warning you.

427
00:40:18,645 --> 00:40:21,396
I may decide to set an exam this term.

428
00:40:22,065 --> 00:40:23,607
- Oh, sir!
- Sir!

429
00:40:23,733 --> 00:40:25,725
So just listen.

430
00:40:27,987 --> 00:40:32,778
Now did I or did I not do vaginal juices?

431
00:40:34,910 --> 00:40:36,190
Yes, sir.

432
00:40:36,286 --> 00:40:39,405
Name two ways
of getting them flowing, Watson.

433
00:40:41,249 --> 00:40:43,040
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?

434
00:40:47,088 --> 00:40:49,080
What's wrong with a kiss, boy?

435
00:40:50,258 --> 00:40:52,879
Why not start her off with a nice kiss?

436
00:40:53,594 --> 00:40:57,211
You don't have to leap
straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.

437
00:40:57,306 --> 00:40:59,179
Give her a kiss, boy.

438
00:41:00,892 --> 00:41:04,011
- Suck the nipple, sir?
- Good, good. Well done, Wymer.

439
00:41:04,187 --> 00:41:07,353
Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes. I suppose so.

440
00:41:07,524 --> 00:41:09,730
Biting the neck.
Yes, good.

441
00:41:09,859 --> 00:41:13,358
Nibbling the ear lobe, kneading
the buttocks, and so on and so forth.

442
00:41:13,446 --> 00:41:16,814
So we have all these
possibilities before we...

443
00:41:16,907 --> 00:41:20,026
stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.

444
00:41:20,536 --> 00:41:22,195
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

445
00:41:22,371 --> 00:41:27,495
Now, all these forms of stimulation
can now take place.

446
00:41:37,051 --> 00:41:39,672
Of course,
tonguing will give you the best idea...

447
00:41:39,762 --> 00:41:42,846
of how the juices are coming along.

448
00:41:43,432 --> 00:41:44,511
Helen?

449
00:41:44,642 --> 00:41:48,057
Now, penetration and coitus,
that is to say, intercourse...

450
00:41:48,145 --> 00:41:51,145
up to and including orgasm.

451
00:41:52,399 --> 00:41:53,561
Hello, dear.

452
00:41:54,442 --> 00:41:57,276
Do stand up when my wife
enters the room, Carter.

453
00:41:57,362 --> 00:41:58,559
Sorry, sir.

454
00:41:58,905 --> 00:42:03,365
Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. I told
the Garfields we'd dine with them tonight.

455
00:42:03,451 --> 00:42:06,866
- Yes, well, I suppose we must.
- I said we'd be there by 8:00.

456
00:42:06,954 --> 00:42:09,871
It'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.

457
00:42:09,957 --> 00:42:13,159
I know you don't like them,
but I couldn't make another excuse.

458
00:42:13,252 --> 00:42:14,995
It's just that I felt...

459
00:42:15,504 --> 00:42:16,701
Wymer!

460
00:42:17,798 --> 00:42:20,798
This is for your benefit.
Would you kindly wake up?

461
00:42:21,384 --> 00:42:24,301
I've no intention
of going through this all again.

462
00:42:35,231 --> 00:42:38,101
We'll take the foreplay as read,
if you don't mind, dear.

463
00:42:38,192 --> 00:42:39,306
No, of course not.

464
00:42:39,401 --> 00:42:44,358
So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife...

465
00:42:44,489 --> 00:42:46,196
in the standard way.

466
00:42:46,283 --> 00:42:50,410
The penis is now, as you will observe,
more or less fully erect.

467
00:42:51,204 --> 00:42:53,492
There we are. That's better.

468
00:42:53,748 --> 00:42:54,945
Now, Carter.

469
00:42:56,292 --> 00:42:57,916
Yes, sir?
What is it?

470
00:43:00,004 --> 00:43:02,494
- It's an ocarina, sir.
- Bring it up here.

471
00:43:04,007 --> 00:43:08,004
The man now starts making
thrusting movements with his pelvic area...

472
00:43:08,095 --> 00:43:11,179
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.

473
00:43:11,306 --> 00:43:13,975
Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table.

474
00:43:15,059 --> 00:43:17,810
While the wife maximizes
her clitoral stimulation...

475
00:43:17,895 --> 00:43:20,729
by the shaft of the penis
by pushing forward.

476
00:43:20,940 --> 00:43:22,220
Thank you, dear.

477
00:43:22,316 --> 00:43:24,853
Now, as the sexual excitement mounts...

478
00:43:24,944 --> 00:43:26,486
What's funny, Biggs?

479
00:43:27,613 --> 00:43:28,608
Nothing, sir.

480
00:43:28,697 --> 00:43:31,448
Do, please,
share your little joke with the rest of us.

481
00:43:31,533 --> 00:43:34,070
Obviously something
frightfully funny is going on.

482
00:43:34,161 --> 00:43:35,358
No, honestly, sir.

483
00:43:35,453 --> 00:43:39,201
Well, as it's so funny,
I think you'd better be selected to play...

484
00:43:39,374 --> 00:43:43,620
for the boys' team in the rugby match
against the masters this afternoon.

485
00:43:43,795 --> 00:43:44,459
Oh, no, sir!

486
00:44:05,565 --> 00:44:07,640
Well played, well played.

487
00:45:41,321 --> 00:45:44,820
Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.

488
00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:47,114
Hordern, Spadger and I will go
for the gun post.

489
00:45:47,201 --> 00:45:49,442
Hang on. You'll never make it. Let us come.

490
00:45:49,537 --> 00:45:50,651
Do as you're told.

491
00:45:50,746 --> 00:45:52,987
Right, Skipper. Oh, sir?

492
00:45:53,374 --> 00:45:56,410
If we don't meet again, sir...

493
00:45:56,752 --> 00:46:01,081
I'd just like to say it's been
a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir.

494
00:46:01,173 --> 00:46:04,755
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a good-bye speech.

495
00:46:04,843 --> 00:46:09,303
Me and the lads realise that, sir,
but, well, we may never meet again, so...

496
00:46:09,514 --> 00:46:11,387
All right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.

497
00:46:11,474 --> 00:46:13,181
No, just a moment, sir.

498
00:46:13,351 --> 00:46:15,758
Me and the lads,
we've had a little whip around.

499
00:46:15,853 --> 00:46:19,019
We've bought you something.
We bought you this.

500
00:46:21,567 --> 00:46:23,808
I don't know what to say.

501
00:46:24,570 --> 00:46:27,819
It's a lovely thought. Thank you.
Thank you all.

502
00:46:28,156 --> 00:46:30,528
But I think we'd better get to cover...

503
00:46:32,077 --> 00:46:35,196
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.

504
00:46:36,205 --> 00:46:39,324
Sorry it's another clock,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.

505
00:46:39,417 --> 00:46:41,456
Walters thought he was buyin' a present...

506
00:46:41,544 --> 00:46:44,544
and Spadger and I
had already got the other one.

507
00:46:44,713 --> 00:46:47,797
Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful.

508
00:46:49,635 --> 00:46:53,050
We'd better get to cover now.
I'll thank you properly later on.

509
00:46:53,138 --> 00:46:55,047
Corporal Sturridge got this for you.

510
00:46:55,140 --> 00:46:57,844
He didn't know about the others. It's Swiss.

511
00:46:58,143 --> 00:47:01,262
Now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge.
Good man.

512
00:47:01,479 --> 00:47:05,558
There's a card, sir, from all of us.
Sorry about the blood, sir.

513
00:47:06,942 --> 00:47:08,270
Thank you all.

514
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:11,029
Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs.

515
00:47:17,911 --> 00:47:19,025
I'll be all right.

516
00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:22,702
There's just one other thing, sir.
Spadger, give him the cheque.

517
00:47:23,166 --> 00:47:25,123
This is really going too far.

518
00:47:25,585 --> 00:47:29,119
I don't seem to be able to find it, sir.
It'll be in No. 4 trench.

519
00:47:29,213 --> 00:47:31,371
For Christ's sake, forget it, man.

520
00:47:32,716 --> 00:47:34,874
You shouldn't have said that, sir.

521
00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:37,378
You've hurt his feelings now.

522
00:47:37,471 --> 00:47:41,135
Don't mind me, Spadge.
Toffs are all the same.

523
00:47:41,516 --> 00:47:46,758
One minute, it's all please and thank you.
The next, they'll kick you in the teeth.

524
00:47:47,063 --> 00:47:50,147
- Let's not give him the cake.
- I don't want any cake.

525
00:47:50,233 --> 00:47:53,269
Look. Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.

526
00:47:53,361 --> 00:47:55,483
He saved his rations for six weeks, sir.

527
00:47:55,571 --> 00:47:58,357
- I don't mean to be ungrateful.
- I'll be all right...

528
00:47:59,658 --> 00:48:01,401
Blackie! Blackie!

529
00:48:01,785 --> 00:48:05,449
Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.

530
00:48:05,539 --> 00:48:07,864
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move...

531
00:48:07,958 --> 00:48:12,002
but Blackitt'd be slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and the almonds.

532
00:48:12,087 --> 00:48:15,835
I mean, you try getting butter to melt
at 15 degrees below zero.

533
00:48:16,132 --> 00:48:21,292
There's love in that cake.
This man's love and this man's care...

534
00:48:23,472 --> 00:48:26,757
- Oh, my Christ!
- You bastard.

535
00:48:27,893 --> 00:48:30,300
All right, we will eat the cake.

536
00:48:30,812 --> 00:48:33,978
They're right. It's too good a cake not to eat.

537
00:48:34,274 --> 00:48:37,440
- Get the plates and knives, Walters.
- Yes, sir. How many?

538
00:48:37,527 --> 00:48:38,558
Six.

539
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:41,822
Better make it five.

540
00:48:41,906 --> 00:48:44,776
- Tablecloth, sir?
- Yes, get the tablecloth.

541
00:48:46,869 --> 00:48:48,826
No, no, I'll get the tablecloth.

542
00:48:48,913 --> 00:48:51,534
You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern.

543
00:48:51,707 --> 00:48:52,702
- And the little lamp, sir?
- Yes.

544
00:48:54,251 --> 00:48:56,576
While you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.

545
00:48:56,670 --> 00:48:58,876
I'll bring two
in case one gets crumpled.

546
00:48:58,964 --> 00:49:00,126
Okay!

547
00:49:03,968 --> 00:49:07,170
But, of course, warfare isn't all fun.
Right. Stop that.

548
00:49:07,263 --> 00:49:10,927
It's all very well to laugh at the military,
but when one considers...

549
00:49:11,017 --> 00:49:15,061
the meaning of life, it's a struggle
between alternative viewpoints of life.

550
00:49:15,145 --> 00:49:17,896
Without the ability to defend
one's own viewpoint...

551
00:49:17,981 --> 00:49:20,518
against other more aggressive ideologies...

552
00:49:20,609 --> 00:49:24,309
then reasonableness and
moderation could quite simply disappear.

553
00:49:25,113 --> 00:49:27,650
That is why we'll always need an army.

554
00:49:27,782 --> 00:49:30,782
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.

555
00:49:34,956 --> 00:49:36,995
Don't stand there gawping...

556
00:49:37,083 --> 00:49:39,752
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!

557
00:49:39,835 --> 00:49:43,962
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.

558
00:49:44,423 --> 00:49:47,922
That is, unless any of you've got
anything better to do.

559
00:49:49,010 --> 00:49:50,172
Well?

560
00:49:51,346 --> 00:49:54,050
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing...

561
00:49:54,140 --> 00:49:57,389
than marchin' up and down the square?

562
00:49:59,478 --> 00:50:01,803
Yes! Atkinson.

563
00:50:04,275 --> 00:50:08,735
What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?

564
00:50:09,196 --> 00:50:13,110
To be quite honest, Sarge,
I'd rather be home with the wife and kids.

565
00:50:14,743 --> 00:50:16,285
Would you now?

566
00:50:17,036 --> 00:50:18,198
Yes, Sarge.

567
00:50:18,872 --> 00:50:20,366
Right. Off you go.

568
00:50:20,581 --> 00:50:21,695
Now.

569
00:50:22,458 --> 00:50:25,079
Everybody else happy with my little plan...

570
00:50:25,461 --> 00:50:28,130
of marching up and down the square a bit?

571
00:50:28,214 --> 00:50:29,542
Sarge?
Yes?

572
00:50:29,757 --> 00:50:33,754
I've got a book I'd quite like to read.
Go read your book then. Now!

573
00:50:35,053 --> 00:50:38,884
Everybody else quite content to join in...

574
00:50:39,557 --> 00:50:45,061
with my little scheme
of marchin' up and down the square?

575
00:50:45,813 --> 00:50:46,892
Sarge?

576
00:50:47,482 --> 00:50:49,521
Yes, Wyclif, what is it?

577
00:50:49,692 --> 00:50:51,850
Well, I'm learning the piano.

578
00:50:53,404 --> 00:50:55,396
Learning the piano?

579
00:50:55,781 --> 00:50:56,943
Yes, Sarge.

580
00:50:57,074 --> 00:51:00,489
And I suppose you want to go practise?

581
00:51:00,994 --> 00:51:04,409
Marchin' up and down the square
not good enough for you?

582
00:51:05,081 --> 00:51:07,203
- Well...
- Right! Off you go!

583
00:51:07,667 --> 00:51:10,584
Now, what about the rest of you?

584
00:51:12,046 --> 00:51:15,130
Rather be at the pictures, I suppose.

585
00:51:18,385 --> 00:51:20,294
All right! Off you go!

586
00:51:24,182 --> 00:51:26,470
Bloody army.
I don't know what it's coming to.

587
00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:29,726
Right. Sergeant Major
marching up and down the square.

588
00:51:31,147 --> 00:51:35,014
Democracy and humanitarianism
are trademarks of the British Army.

589
00:51:35,109 --> 00:51:36,188
Rubbish!

590
00:51:36,527 --> 00:51:40,524
And have stamped its triumph
in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire.

591
00:51:58,006 --> 00:52:01,172
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done...

592
00:52:01,259 --> 00:52:05,173
it has always been
the calm leadership of the officer class...

593
00:52:05,262 --> 00:52:08,346
that has made the British Army what it is.

594
00:52:41,296 --> 00:52:43,087
Excuse me.

595
00:52:51,556 --> 00:52:54,805
- 'Morning, Ainsworth.
- 'Morning, Pakenham. Sleep well?

596
00:52:54,934 --> 00:52:57,424
Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though.

597
00:52:57,520 --> 00:52:59,808
Must be that hole
in the bloody mosquito net.

598
00:52:59,897 --> 00:53:02,470
Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they?

599
00:53:03,233 --> 00:53:04,892
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, Chadwick?

600
00:53:04,985 --> 00:53:07,902
I'm afraid Perkins got badly bitten
during the night.

601
00:53:07,988 --> 00:53:09,150
So did we.

602
00:53:09,322 --> 00:53:11,943
Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him.

603
00:53:12,158 --> 00:53:15,075
- Well, go and fetch him then.
- Right you are, sir.

604
00:53:15,328 --> 00:53:17,653
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?

605
00:53:17,747 --> 00:53:19,205
Yes, I suppose so.

606
00:53:22,251 --> 00:53:23,793
Come on, boy.

607
00:53:32,636 --> 00:53:35,173
'Morning, Perkins.
'Morning, sir.

608
00:53:35,347 --> 00:53:37,505
What's all the trouble, then?

609
00:53:37,599 --> 00:53:39,924
Bitten, sir. During the night.

610
00:53:41,644 --> 00:53:44,051
- Whole leg gone?
- Yes.

611
00:53:44,897 --> 00:53:47,269
- How's it feel?
- Stings a bit.

612
00:53:48,025 --> 00:53:49,934
Well, it would, wouldn't it?

613
00:53:50,235 --> 00:53:53,734
That's quite a bite you've got there.

614
00:53:54,031 --> 00:53:57,399
- Yes. A real beauty, isn't it?
- Any idea how it happened?

615
00:53:57,784 --> 00:54:00,156
None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me.

616
00:54:00,245 --> 00:54:02,949
Woke up just now, one sock too many.

617
00:54:03,456 --> 00:54:06,907
- Must have a hell of a hole in your net.
- We've sent for the doctor.

618
00:54:07,001 --> 00:54:09,918
- Hardly worth it, is it?
- Yes. Better safe than sorry.

619
00:54:10,004 --> 00:54:11,913
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.

620
00:54:12,006 --> 00:54:14,081
By Jove! That's enormous.

621
00:54:14,216 --> 00:54:16,623
You don't think it'll come back, do you?

622
00:54:16,718 --> 00:54:18,093
- For more, you mean?
- Yes.

623
00:54:18,178 --> 00:54:20,170
- We'd better get it stitched.
- Right.

624
00:54:20,263 --> 00:54:21,507
Hello, Doc!

625
00:54:21,598 --> 00:54:25,547
'Morning. I came as fast as I could.
Is something up?

626
00:54:25,852 --> 00:54:30,478
Yes. During the night,
old Perkins got his leg bitten, sort of, off.

627
00:54:31,023 --> 00:54:33,857
Yeah. Been in the wars, have we?

628
00:54:34,485 --> 00:54:35,480
Yes.

629
00:54:35,695 --> 00:54:37,770
Any headache? Bowels all right?

630
00:54:39,031 --> 00:54:42,197
Well, let's have a look at
this one leg of yours, then.

631
00:54:43,368 --> 00:54:45,443
Yes. Yes.

632
00:54:48,081 --> 00:54:51,663
- Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
- Good.

633
00:54:51,751 --> 00:54:55,665
There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus.
Keep warm, plenty of rest...

634
00:54:55,755 --> 00:54:59,538
and if you're playing football or anything,
try and favour the other leg.

635
00:54:59,634 --> 00:55:00,582
Right.

636
00:55:00,676 --> 00:55:03,001
As right as rain in a couple of days.

637
00:55:03,095 --> 00:55:06,594
- Thanks for the reassurance.
- Not at all. That's what I'm here for.

638
00:55:06,682 --> 00:55:09,137
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?

639
00:55:09,226 --> 00:55:10,554
No, I'm fine.

640
00:55:10,644 --> 00:55:12,719
Jolly good. Well, must be off.

641
00:55:12,938 --> 00:55:16,057
So it'll just grow back again, then, will it?

642
00:55:19,986 --> 00:55:22,903
I think I'd better come clean with you
about this.

643
00:55:23,155 --> 00:55:26,321
It's not a virus, I'm afraid.

644
00:55:27,326 --> 00:55:30,860
You see, a virus is what we doctors call
very, very small.

645
00:55:30,954 --> 00:55:34,488
So small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.

646
00:55:34,666 --> 00:55:37,951
What we're looking for,
this is no more than an educated guess...

647
00:55:38,044 --> 00:55:41,329
I'd like to make that clear,
is some multicellular life form...

648
00:55:41,423 --> 00:55:45,752
with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth,
about 11-foot long...

649
00:55:45,843 --> 00:55:48,131
and of the genus Felis horribilis.

650
00:55:48,221 --> 00:55:51,221
What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.

651
00:55:52,224 --> 00:55:53,718
A tiger?

652
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:55,642
A tiger?

653
00:55:59,898 --> 00:56:01,641
A tiger in Africa?

654
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:03,810
A tiger in Africa?

655
00:56:05,987 --> 00:56:09,818
- It's probably escaped from a zoo.
- Doesn't sound very likely to me.

656
00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:12,027
Sir! Sir!

657
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:15,030
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.

658
00:56:15,204 --> 00:56:16,318
Jolly good.

659
00:56:16,413 --> 00:56:19,864
Quite a lot of casualties, sir.
C- division wiped out. Signal's gone.

660
00:56:19,958 --> 00:56:22,116
- Thirty men killed in F-section.
- I see.

661
00:56:22,211 --> 00:56:24,701
I should think about 150 men altogether, sir.

662
00:56:24,796 --> 00:56:25,875
Jolly good.

663
00:56:25,964 --> 00:56:29,546
I haven't got the final figures,
but there's a lot of seriously wounded...

664
00:56:29,634 --> 00:56:33,168
Yes, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.

665
00:56:35,181 --> 00:56:37,387
One of the officers has lost a leg.

666
00:56:38,267 --> 00:56:42,015
- Oh, no, sir!
- I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.

667
00:56:42,563 --> 00:56:43,807
In Africa?

668
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:48,104
The M.O. Says we can stitch it back on
if we can find it immediately.

669
00:56:48,193 --> 00:56:52,605
- Right, sir. I'll organise a party.
- It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant.

670
00:56:53,740 --> 00:56:56,906
- A search party.
- Much better idea.

671
00:57:01,914 --> 00:57:03,158
Sorry about the mess.

672
00:57:03,249 --> 00:57:05,786
We'll try to clear it up
by the time you get back.

673
00:57:05,876 --> 00:57:08,117
We showed 'em, right, sir?
Yes.

674
00:57:08,212 --> 00:57:10,251
We got a search party. Leave that alone.

675
00:57:10,339 --> 00:57:13,458
All this killing, bloodshed,
bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?

676
00:57:13,550 --> 00:57:14,498
Very good.

677
00:57:14,593 --> 00:57:17,297
- 'Morning, sir.
- Nasty wound you've got there, fella.

678
00:57:17,387 --> 00:57:19,130
Thank you very much, sir.

679
00:57:20,432 --> 00:57:23,005
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.

680
00:57:24,310 --> 00:57:26,516
Better than staying home, isn't it?

681
00:57:26,646 --> 00:57:28,887
At home if you kill someone,
they arrest you.

682
00:57:28,981 --> 00:57:31,471
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do.

683
00:57:31,567 --> 00:57:35,813
I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir.
At home, they'd hang me.

684
00:57:36,321 --> 00:57:39,025
Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir.

685
00:57:55,965 --> 00:57:57,375
Sorry, sir.

686
00:57:57,967 --> 00:57:59,342
Thank you.

687
00:58:16,943 --> 00:58:18,105
Look!

688
00:58:20,404 --> 00:58:22,396
My God! It's huge!

689
00:58:32,713 --> 00:58:35,382
Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger.

690
00:58:36,049 --> 00:58:37,792
We were just...

691
00:58:39,135 --> 00:58:41,174
Why are you dressed as a tiger?

692
00:58:43,848 --> 00:58:47,097
- Oh, why, why, why?
- Isn't it a lovely day today?

693
00:58:47,393 --> 00:58:49,136
Answer the question.

694
00:58:49,728 --> 00:58:54,519
- We were just...
- Well, we're dressed like this because...

695
00:58:55,567 --> 00:58:57,025
No, that's not it.

696
00:58:57,277 --> 00:58:59,981
We did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. High spirits.

697
00:59:00,071 --> 00:59:02,312
- Simple as that.
- Nothing more to it.

698
00:59:03,283 --> 00:59:06,402
Actually, we're on a mission
for British intelligence.

699
00:59:06,703 --> 00:59:10,652
- There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief...
- No, no, no.

700
00:59:10,790 --> 00:59:13,660
- No, no, no.
- No. We're doing it for an advertisement.

701
00:59:13,751 --> 00:59:16,076
That's it. Forget about the Russians.

702
00:59:16,170 --> 00:59:18,542
We're doing an advert
for Tiger brand coffee.

703
00:59:18,630 --> 00:59:22,709
"Tiger brand coffee is a real treat.
Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat."

704
00:59:22,801 --> 00:59:25,126
Now, look...
All right, all right.

705
00:59:25,220 --> 00:59:28,837
We are dressed as a tiger because
he has an auntie who did it in 1839.

706
00:59:28,932 --> 00:59:31,802
- This is the 50th anniversary.
- We're doing it for a bet.

707
00:59:31,893 --> 00:59:35,557
- God told us to do it.
- To tell the truth, we are completely mad.

708
00:59:35,730 --> 00:59:38,351
We're inmates
of a Bengali psychiatric institution...

709
00:59:38,441 --> 00:59:42,652
and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.

710
00:59:43,237 --> 00:59:45,562
It doesn't matter!
What?

711
00:59:45,697 --> 00:59:48,483
It doesn't matter
why they're dressed as a tiger.

712
00:59:48,575 --> 00:59:50,448
Have they got my leg?

713
00:59:51,244 --> 00:59:53,450
Good thinking. Well, have you?

714
00:59:54,205 --> 00:59:55,580
- Actually...
- Yes?

715
00:59:56,165 --> 00:59:58,323
We were thinking of training as taxidermists.

716
00:59:58,418 --> 01:00:00,908
We wanted the feel
from the animal's point of view.

717
01:00:01,003 --> 01:00:05,166
Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you
if you've got this man's leg.

718
01:00:06,675 --> 01:00:09,296
- A wooden leg?
- No, no, a proper leg.

719
01:00:09,386 --> 01:00:13,763
He was fast asleep, and someone
or something came in and removed it.

720
01:00:15,016 --> 01:00:16,640
Without waking him up?

721
01:00:18,853 --> 01:00:20,975
- Yes.
- I don't believe you.

722
01:00:21,230 --> 01:00:23,851
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.

723
01:00:23,941 --> 01:00:26,182
The owner wanted it taken to Dar es Salaam.

724
01:00:26,277 --> 01:00:30,356
Shut up! Now look,
have you or have you not got his leg?

725
01:00:30,781 --> 01:00:32,239
- Yes.
- No.

726
01:00:32,324 --> 01:00:33,782
No, no, no.

727
01:00:36,161 --> 01:00:38,533
- Why did you say yes?
- I didn't.

728
01:00:38,705 --> 01:00:40,412
I'm not talking to you.

729
01:00:47,922 --> 01:00:49,748
Right. Search the thicket.

730
01:00:50,216 --> 01:00:54,295
Come on. Do we look like the sort of
chaps who'd creep into a camp at night...

731
01:00:54,386 --> 01:00:57,754
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetise them, tissue-type 'em...

732
01:00:57,848 --> 01:01:00,255
amputate a leg and run away with it?

733
01:01:00,350 --> 01:01:01,844
Search the thicket.

734
01:01:02,227 --> 01:01:04,552
Leg! You're looking for a leg!

735
01:01:04,855 --> 01:01:07,559
Actually, I think there is one
in there somewhere.

736
01:01:07,649 --> 01:01:10,815
Someone must've abandoned it here,
knowing you'd come after it.

737
01:01:10,902 --> 01:01:14,353
We stumbled across it, actually.
They'll be miles away by now.

738
01:01:14,447 --> 01:01:17,447
I expect we'll have to take
all the blame as usual.

739
01:01:18,034 --> 01:01:22,113
Hello, good evening and welcome to
The Middle of the Film.

740
01:01:29,085 --> 01:01:31,658
Hello, and welcome to
The Middle of the Film...

741
01:01:31,755 --> 01:01:34,424
the moment where we take a break
to invite you...

742
01:01:34,507 --> 01:01:38,374
to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish.

743
01:01:39,220 --> 01:01:41,924
We're going to show you
a scene from another film...

744
01:01:42,014 --> 01:01:44,421
and ask you to guess where the fish is.

745
01:01:44,517 --> 01:01:47,303
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.

746
01:01:47,394 --> 01:01:49,766
Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you.

747
01:01:49,855 --> 01:01:52,939
So here we are with Find the Fish.

748
01:02:02,575 --> 01:02:05,741
I wonder where that fish has gone.

749
01:02:06,579 --> 01:02:08,370
You did love it so.

750
01:02:08,456 --> 01:02:10,993
You looked after it like a son.

751
01:02:11,709 --> 01:02:15,872
And it went wherever I did go.

752
01:02:16,129 --> 01:02:19,331
- Is it in the cupboard?
- Yes!

753
01:02:19,716 --> 01:02:23,843
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.

754
01:02:24,262 --> 01:02:28,923
And it went wherever I did go.

755
01:02:29,350 --> 01:02:33,098
It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?

756
01:02:33,938 --> 01:02:36,226
Have you thought
of the bureau?

757
01:02:36,315 --> 01:02:39,066
It is a most elusive fish.

758
01:02:39,193 --> 01:02:43,107
And it went wherever I did go.

759
01:02:44,823 --> 01:02:47,313
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.

760
01:02:47,867 --> 01:02:52,078
Fish, fish, fish...

761
01:02:54,332 --> 01:02:57,166
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!

762
01:02:57,460 --> 01:03:01,706
That went wherever I did go.

763
01:03:01,797 --> 01:03:04,833
Look up his trunk!
His trousers!

764
01:03:05,217 --> 01:03:07,339
That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!

765
01:03:07,719 --> 01:03:10,174
Best bit so far.
Fantastic!

766
01:03:11,306 --> 01:03:13,464
Really risky, yeah.

767
01:03:17,270 --> 01:03:20,769
They haven't said much about
the meaning of life so far, have they?

768
01:03:20,856 --> 01:03:23,228
It's been building up to it.
Has it?

769
01:03:23,317 --> 01:03:25,689
Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now.

770
01:03:26,487 --> 01:03:31,065
Personally, I doubt they're going to
say anything about the meaning of life at all.

771
01:03:31,199 --> 01:03:33,950
They've gotta say something.
They're bound to.

772
01:03:34,035 --> 01:03:35,197
Yeah.

773
01:03:39,040 --> 01:03:42,325
Wonder what the next bit will be.
Caption, I expect.

774
01:03:42,418 --> 01:03:44,493
About the next stage of life,
you mean? Here we go.

775
01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:57,005
That's much better. Thank you, honey.

776
01:03:57,099 --> 01:03:58,379
You're welcome.

777
01:04:00,060 --> 01:04:03,393
It was all sort of misty before.
That's fine.

778
01:04:03,855 --> 01:04:07,354
- Hey! How are you?
- We're just fine.

779
01:04:07,442 --> 01:04:09,767
What kind of food
would you like this evening?

780
01:04:09,861 --> 01:04:12,019
We sort of like pineapple.

781
01:04:12,113 --> 01:04:14,070
Yeah, we love pineapple.

782
01:04:14,240 --> 01:04:17,157
Yeah, anything with pineapple
in it is great for us.

783
01:04:17,284 --> 01:04:19,609
How about the Dungeon Room?

784
01:04:20,495 --> 01:04:23,365
- That sounds fine.
- Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food...

785
01:04:23,457 --> 01:04:26,991
served in an authentic
medieval English dungeon atmosphere.

786
01:04:43,267 --> 01:04:44,642
Isn't this nice?

787
01:04:45,727 --> 01:04:47,007
Why not.

788
01:04:48,271 --> 01:04:49,813
Take a little Kodak.

789
01:04:50,023 --> 01:04:52,098
Thank you. Thank you very much.

790
01:05:05,704 --> 01:05:08,740
Good evening. Would you care for
something to talk about?

791
01:05:08,832 --> 01:05:13,125
- That would be wonderful.
- Our special tonight is minorities.

792
01:05:13,211 --> 01:05:15,499
That sounds real interesting.

793
01:05:15,880 --> 01:05:18,038
What's this conversation here?

794
01:05:18,133 --> 01:05:21,667
That's football. You can talk about
the Steelers-Bears game Saturday...

795
01:05:21,761 --> 01:05:24,714
or you could reminisce
about really great World Series.

796
01:05:24,805 --> 01:05:26,002
No.

797
01:05:26,098 --> 01:05:29,513
- What is this one here?
- That's philosophy.

798
01:05:29,977 --> 01:05:31,352
Is that a sport?

799
01:05:32,146 --> 01:05:35,977
No, it's more of an attempt
to construct a viable hypothesis...

800
01:05:36,108 --> 01:05:38,065
to explain the meaning of life.

801
01:05:38,443 --> 01:05:40,601
What was that?
What's he saying?

802
01:05:41,071 --> 01:05:42,648
That sounds wonderful.

803
01:05:43,072 --> 01:05:46,405
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?

804
01:05:46,534 --> 01:05:47,992
Sure. Why not?

805
01:05:48,077 --> 01:05:50,034
- Philosophy for two?
- Right.

806
01:05:50,371 --> 01:05:52,162
- Room?
- 259.

807
01:05:52,248 --> 01:05:53,955
259.

808
01:05:56,001 --> 01:05:57,245
How do we...

809
01:05:57,503 --> 01:05:59,744
You folks want me to start you off?

810
01:05:59,963 --> 01:06:01,207
We'd appreciate that.

811
01:06:01,298 --> 01:06:02,329
Okay!

812
01:06:04,259 --> 01:06:07,627
Look. Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?

813
01:06:09,597 --> 01:06:12,882
We went to Miami last year
and California the year before...

814
01:06:12,975 --> 01:06:16,592
No, no, no. I mean,
why we're here, on this planet.

815
01:06:20,107 --> 01:06:21,102
No.

816
01:06:21,358 --> 01:06:25,402
Right. You ever wanted to know
what it's all about?

817
01:06:25,779 --> 01:06:26,941
Nope.

818
01:06:27,489 --> 01:06:28,603
Righty-ho!

819
01:06:28,907 --> 01:06:33,200
See, throughout history,
there have been certain men and women...

820
01:06:33,328 --> 01:06:37,372
who've tried to find
the solution to the mysteries of existence.

821
01:06:37,957 --> 01:06:41,206
- Great!
- And we call these guys philosophers.

822
01:06:41,377 --> 01:06:43,784
- And that's what we're talking about.
- Right!

823
01:06:43,879 --> 01:06:45,159
That's neat.

824
01:06:45,256 --> 01:06:49,751
You look like you're getting the idea,
so I'll give you these conversation cards.

825
01:06:49,843 --> 01:06:54,385
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.

826
01:06:54,472 --> 01:06:55,669
There you are.

827
01:06:55,765 --> 01:06:58,931
- Have a nice conversation.
- Thank you very much.

828
01:06:59,143 --> 01:07:02,143
- He's cute.
- Yeah, real understanding.

829
01:07:03,481 --> 01:07:06,481
I never knew Schopenhauer was
a philosopher.

830
01:07:07,985 --> 01:07:11,567
Yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S."

831
01:07:18,495 --> 01:07:20,072
Like Nietzsche.

832
01:07:22,165 --> 01:07:24,371
Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"?

833
01:07:25,960 --> 01:07:28,285
There's an "S" in "Nietzsche."

834
01:07:30,298 --> 01:07:32,337
Yes, there is.

835
01:07:33,509 --> 01:07:35,999
Do all philosophers have an "S" in them?

836
01:07:36,178 --> 01:07:38,550
Yeah. I think most of them do.

837
01:07:40,807 --> 01:07:43,891
Does that mean Salena Jones
is a philosopher?

838
01:07:44,144 --> 01:07:45,341
Yeah! Right!

839
01:07:45,437 --> 01:07:48,971
She could be.
She sings about the meaning of life.

840
01:07:49,357 --> 01:07:50,981
Yeah. That's right.

841
01:07:51,734 --> 01:07:54,022
But I don't think she writes
her own material.

842
01:07:54,111 --> 01:07:55,190
No.

843
01:07:55,571 --> 01:07:58,240
Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.

844
01:07:58,657 --> 01:08:01,361
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.

845
01:08:02,411 --> 01:08:04,617
There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach."

846
01:08:05,038 --> 01:08:06,781
Or in "Hal David."

847
01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:09,291
Who's Hal David?

848
01:08:09,709 --> 01:08:12,745
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.

849
01:08:12,879 --> 01:08:16,461
Only now,
he's married to Carole Bayer Sager.

850
01:08:19,844 --> 01:08:22,595
Waiter? This conversation isn't very good.

851
01:08:22,680 --> 01:08:24,257
I'm sorry, sir.

852
01:08:25,432 --> 01:08:27,922
We do have one today
that's not on the menu.

853
01:08:28,018 --> 01:08:32,145
It's sort of a specialty of the house,
you know? Live organ transplants.

854
01:08:32,898 --> 01:08:35,186
Live organ transplants? What's that?

855
01:08:45,326 --> 01:08:47,698
Don't worry, dear. I'll get it.

856
01:08:54,710 --> 01:08:57,414
Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?

857
01:08:58,338 --> 01:09:00,377
What?
Your liver.

858
01:09:01,216 --> 01:09:04,667
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.

859
01:09:06,262 --> 01:09:08,883
You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of...

860
01:09:08,973 --> 01:09:12,922
Yeah, yeah, I know what it is,
but I'm using it.

861
01:09:15,396 --> 01:09:18,432
Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.

862
01:09:20,275 --> 01:09:21,437
Hello!

863
01:09:23,195 --> 01:09:25,732
- What's this, then?
- A liver donor's card.

864
01:09:25,822 --> 01:09:28,194
- Need we say more?
- No.

865
01:09:28,283 --> 01:09:31,983
Listen, I can't give it you now.
It says, "in the event of death."

866
01:09:32,078 --> 01:09:33,157
My God!

867
01:09:33,246 --> 01:09:36,910
No one has ever had their liver taken
out by us and survived.

868
01:09:36,999 --> 01:09:39,703
Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.

869
01:09:53,890 --> 01:09:55,467
Here. What's going on?

870
01:09:55,558 --> 01:09:57,930
He's donating his liver, madam.

871
01:09:58,644 --> 01:10:01,810
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?

872
01:10:01,939 --> 01:10:04,560
- That's right, madam.
- Typical of him.

873
01:10:05,109 --> 01:10:08,477
He goes down to the public library,
sees a few signs up...

874
01:10:08,737 --> 01:10:11,523
comes home all full of good intentions.

875
01:10:11,948 --> 01:10:15,779
He gives blood, does cold research,
all that sort of thing.

876
01:10:19,706 --> 01:10:22,410
What do you do with them all, anyway?

877
01:10:22,667 --> 01:10:24,742
They all go to saving lives, madam.

878
01:10:24,835 --> 01:10:26,329
That's what he used to say.

879
01:10:26,420 --> 01:10:29,586
"It's all for the good of the country,"
he used to say.

880
01:10:30,549 --> 01:10:33,466
Do you think it's all
for the good of the country?

881
01:10:33,969 --> 01:10:36,506
Do you think it's all
for the good of the country?

882
01:10:36,596 --> 01:10:40,593
I wouldn't know about that, madam.
We're just doing our jobs, you know?

883
01:10:41,935 --> 01:10:44,260
You're not doctors, then?

884
01:10:45,521 --> 01:10:46,801
Blimey, no.

885
01:10:48,566 --> 01:10:51,934
Mum, Dad, I'm off out now.
I'll see you about 7:00?

886
01:10:52,278 --> 01:10:55,029
Right, son. Look after yourself.

887
01:10:59,868 --> 01:11:02,738
You fancy a cup of tea?

888
01:11:04,164 --> 01:11:06,536
That'd be very nice. Thank you.

889
01:11:07,208 --> 01:11:09,877
Thank you very much, madam.

890
01:11:11,713 --> 01:11:12,875
I thought she'd never ask.

891
01:11:17,927 --> 01:11:20,713
You do realise he has to be...

892
01:11:21,847 --> 01:11:24,764
dead by the terms of the card...

893
01:11:25,350 --> 01:11:27,223
before he donates his liver.

894
01:11:27,310 --> 01:11:31,259
I told him that, but he never listens to me,
silly man.

895
01:11:31,398 --> 01:11:33,189
I mean, I was wonderin'...

896
01:11:34,317 --> 01:11:36,986
what you was thinkin' of doin' after that.

897
01:11:37,111 --> 01:11:39,780
I mean will you stay on your own?

898
01:11:40,156 --> 01:11:44,200
Or is there, well, someone else, sort of...

899
01:11:46,370 --> 01:11:47,947
on the horizon?

900
01:11:48,038 --> 01:11:51,453
I'm too old for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.

901
01:11:51,541 --> 01:11:54,660
Not at all. Very attractive woman.

902
01:11:55,503 --> 01:11:59,452
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.

903
01:12:00,508 --> 01:12:02,465
- Sure?
- Sure.

904
01:12:10,726 --> 01:12:12,599
Can we have your liver then?

905
01:12:12,686 --> 01:12:14,429
I would be scared.

906
01:12:14,605 --> 01:12:15,719
All right.

907
01:12:17,399 --> 01:12:18,893
I'll tell you what.

908
01:12:19,734 --> 01:12:21,311
Listen to this.

909
01:12:22,612 --> 01:12:25,363
Whenever life gets you down,
Mrs. Brown

910
01:12:25,698 --> 01:12:28,568
And things seem hard or tough

911
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:33,323
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft

912
01:12:34,248 --> 01:12:39,242
And you feel that you've had quite enough

913
01:12:42,964 --> 01:12:49,132
Just remember that you're standing
on a planet that's evolving

914
01:12:49,262 --> 01:12:52,013
And revolving at 900 miles an hour

915
01:12:52,932 --> 01:12:56,929
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second
So it's reckoned

916
01:12:57,061 --> 01:12:59,978
A sun that is the source of all our power

917
01:13:01,023 --> 01:13:04,771
The sun and you and me
And all the stars that we can see

918
01:13:04,943 --> 01:13:08,027
Are moving at a million miles a day

919
01:13:08,864 --> 01:13:12,528
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour

920
01:13:13,076 --> 01:13:15,946
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way

921
01:13:25,004 --> 01:13:28,538
Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars

922
01:13:28,840 --> 01:13:32,089
It's a 100,000 light years side to side

923
01:13:32,969 --> 01:13:36,218
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick

924
01:13:36,639 --> 01:13:39,805
But out by us,
it's just 3,000 light years wide

925
01:13:40,893 --> 01:13:44,344
We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point

926
01:13:44,563 --> 01:13:47,480
We go round every 200 million years

927
01:13:48,651 --> 01:13:52,233
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions

928
01:13:52,404 --> 01:13:55,855
In this amazing and expanding universe

929
01:14:28,521 --> 01:14:32,221
The universe itself
keeps on expanding and expanding

930
01:14:32,358 --> 01:14:35,275
In all of the directions it can whizz

931
01:14:36,278 --> 01:14:40,227
As fast as it can go
The speed of light you know

932
01:14:40,324 --> 01:14:43,823
Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest speed there is

933
01:14:43,911 --> 01:14:47,990
So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure

934
01:14:48,206 --> 01:14:51,574
How amazingly unlikely is your birth

935
01:14:52,418 --> 01:14:56,035
And pray that there's intelligent life
somewhere up in space

936
01:14:56,130 --> 01:14:59,130
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth

937
01:15:04,388 --> 01:15:06,961
Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?

938
01:15:07,057 --> 01:15:08,800
Yeah.

939
01:15:11,311 --> 01:15:13,268
Can we have your liver, then?

940
01:15:14,105 --> 01:15:15,812
- Yeah, all right. You talked me into it.
- Eric!

941
01:15:26,033 --> 01:15:28,867
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization...

942
01:15:28,953 --> 01:15:32,119
of just how much there is still left to own.

943
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:38,155
Item 6 on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life."

944
01:15:40,578 --> 01:15:42,985
Now, Harry,
you've had some thoughts on this.

945
01:15:43,080 --> 01:15:46,495
I've had a team working on this
over the past few weeks.

946
01:15:46,584 --> 01:15:50,961
What we've come up with can be reduced
to two fundamental concepts.

947
01:15:51,672 --> 01:15:54,423
One: People are not wearing enough hats.

948
01:15:55,217 --> 01:15:57,542
Two: Matter is energy.

949
01:15:58,094 --> 01:16:02,589
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.

950
01:16:03,474 --> 01:16:08,052
Some energies have a spiritual source
which act upon a person's soul.

951
01:16:08,729 --> 01:16:12,596
However, this soul does not exist ab initio...

952
01:16:12,775 --> 01:16:15,147
as orthodox Christianity teaches.

953
01:16:15,444 --> 01:16:20,604
It has to be brought into existence
by a process of guided self-observation.

954
01:16:21,783 --> 01:16:25,317
However, this is rarely achieved
owing to man's unique ability...

955
01:16:25,411 --> 01:16:29,823
to be distracted from spiritual matters
by everyday trivia.

956
01:16:33,753 --> 01:16:36,125
What was that about hats again?

957
01:16:37,631 --> 01:16:39,670
People aren't wearing enough.

958
01:16:39,758 --> 01:16:41,133
Is this true?

959
01:16:41,343 --> 01:16:45,091
Certainly. Hat sales have increased,
but not pari passu as our research...

960
01:16:45,180 --> 01:16:47,635
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?

961
01:16:47,724 --> 01:16:50,393
Can I just ask,
with reference to your second point...

962
01:16:50,477 --> 01:16:54,604
when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...

963
01:16:57,191 --> 01:16:59,895
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?

964
01:17:02,446 --> 01:17:03,477
What?

965
01:17:03,656 --> 01:17:04,770
Good Lord!

966
01:17:25,176 --> 01:17:26,338
Good Lord!

967
01:17:27,136 --> 01:17:29,970
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!

968
01:17:32,474 --> 01:17:35,723
We interrupt to apologise
for this unwarranted attack...

969
01:17:35,811 --> 01:17:37,388
by the supporting feature.

970
01:17:37,479 --> 01:17:40,230
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality...

971
01:17:40,315 --> 01:17:42,640
and are now taking steps to remedy it.

972
01:17:43,151 --> 01:17:44,182
Thank you.

973
01:17:51,283 --> 01:17:55,612
Good evening. Here's a little number
I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

974
01:17:55,704 --> 01:17:58,408
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis

975
01:17:58,749 --> 01:18:01,619
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong

976
01:18:01,835 --> 01:18:04,954
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick

977
01:18:05,046 --> 01:18:08,497
From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prick

978
01:18:08,591 --> 01:18:11,675
So three cheers for your willy
or John Thomas

979
01:18:12,136 --> 01:18:14,887
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

980
01:18:15,222 --> 01:18:18,721
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend
your percy or your cock

981
01:18:18,809 --> 01:18:22,391
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock

982
01:18:22,479 --> 01:18:25,764
But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dock

983
01:18:25,857 --> 01:18:29,356
And you won't come back
Thank you very much.

984
01:18:31,905 --> 01:18:35,404
- What a frightfully witty song.
- Terribly clever.

985
01:18:38,911 --> 01:18:40,820
- Jolly good.
- Marvelous.

986
01:18:48,545 --> 01:18:50,786
Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote!

987
01:19:09,815 --> 01:19:13,266
- Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
- Better.

988
01:19:13,402 --> 01:19:16,319
- Better?
- Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.

989
01:19:16,404 --> 01:19:18,479
Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.

990
01:19:23,244 --> 01:19:25,236
There we are, monsieur.

991
01:19:40,177 --> 01:19:42,465
- Merci, Gaston.
- I haven't finished.

992
01:19:43,388 --> 01:19:46,507
Pardon! Gaston?
A thousand pardons, monsieur.

993
01:19:46,599 --> 01:19:50,976
Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favourite: The jugged hare.

994
01:19:51,062 --> 01:19:55,688
The hare is very high,
and the sauce is very rich...

995
01:19:55,900 --> 01:20:00,857
with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.

996
01:20:00,946 --> 01:20:02,356
Thank you, Gaston.

997
01:20:02,531 --> 01:20:04,190
There's still more.

998
01:20:04,282 --> 01:20:05,610
Allow me.

999
01:20:07,577 --> 01:20:09,403
A new bucket for monsieur.

1000
01:20:13,041 --> 01:20:14,748
And the cleaning woman.

1001
01:20:17,670 --> 01:20:20,836
Et maintenant,
would monsieur care for an ap�ritif...

1002
01:20:20,965 --> 01:20:23,634
or would he prefer to order straight away?

1003
01:20:24,551 --> 01:20:28,382
Today, we have for appetizers... Excuse me.

1004
01:20:30,432 --> 01:20:35,592
Moules marini�res, p�t� de foie gras,
beluga caviar, eggs benedictine...

1005
01:20:35,687 --> 01:20:37,893
tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart...

1006
01:20:37,981 --> 01:20:41,681
frogs' legs amandine
or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd.

1007
01:20:41,817 --> 01:20:45,814
C'est-�-dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of pur�ed mushrooms.

1008
01:20:45,905 --> 01:20:47,897
It's very delicate, very succulent.

1009
01:20:47,990 --> 01:20:49,448
I'll have the lot.

1010
01:20:50,701 --> 01:20:52,444
A wise choice, monsieur.

1011
01:20:52,828 --> 01:20:57,074
And now, how would you like it served?
All mixed up together in a bucket?

1012
01:20:57,165 --> 01:20:59,287
Yeah. With the eggs on top.

1013
01:20:59,417 --> 01:21:03,331
- But of course. Avec des oeufs frits.
- Don't skimp on the p�t�.

1014
01:21:03,421 --> 01:21:06,872
I assure you. Just because it's mixed up
with all the other things...

1015
01:21:06,966 --> 01:21:09,587
we wouldn't give you
less than the full amount.

1016
01:21:09,677 --> 01:21:13,591
In fact, I will personally make sure
you have a double helping.

1017
01:21:14,139 --> 01:21:17,009
Maintenant, quelque chose � boire.
Something to drink?

1018
01:21:17,100 --> 01:21:20,433
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Ch�teau Latour '45.

1019
01:21:21,354 --> 01:21:23,512
And a double jeroboam of champagne.

1020
01:21:23,690 --> 01:21:25,978
Bon. And the usual brown ales?

1021
01:21:26,317 --> 01:21:30,361
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think
I could only manage six crates today.

1022
01:21:30,738 --> 01:21:33,987
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.

1023
01:21:34,575 --> 01:21:36,947
- Shut up!
- D'accord.

1024
01:21:37,620 --> 01:21:40,371
The new bucket and the cleaning woman.

1025
01:21:47,003 --> 01:21:50,667
- Is there something wrong with the food?
- No, the food was excellent.

1026
01:21:50,757 --> 01:21:54,125
- You're not happy with the service?
- No, no complaints.

1027
01:21:54,469 --> 01:21:58,051
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.

1028
01:21:59,473 --> 01:22:02,046
And we have a train to catch.

1029
01:22:02,184 --> 01:22:05,386
Yes, of course. We have a train to catch.

1030
01:22:05,646 --> 01:22:08,765
And I don't want to start bleeding
all over the seats.

1031
01:22:09,399 --> 01:22:11,936
- Madam?
- Perhaps we should be going?

1032
01:22:13,945 --> 01:22:18,072
Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much.
So nice to see you.

1033
01:22:19,075 --> 01:22:21,612
I hope very much
we will see you again very soon.

1034
01:22:21,702 --> 01:22:23,244
Au revoir, messieurs.

1035
01:22:24,038 --> 01:22:27,204
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.

1036
01:22:31,169 --> 01:22:33,410
Another bucket for monsieur!

1037
01:22:35,423 --> 01:22:37,415
And perhaps a hose.

1038
01:22:41,012 --> 01:22:43,798
Oh, Max. Really!

1039
01:22:59,571 --> 01:23:02,690
Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

1040
01:23:03,283 --> 01:23:06,449
Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one.

1041
01:23:06,995 --> 01:23:09,912
- No, fuck off. I'm full.
- Sir.

1042
01:23:12,208 --> 01:23:14,081
It's only wafer thin.

1043
01:23:15,211 --> 01:23:19,042
I couldn't eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.

1044
01:23:19,381 --> 01:23:20,625
Bugger off.

1045
01:23:20,924 --> 01:23:23,461
Sir, just one. Just one.

1046
01:23:26,388 --> 01:23:30,599
- All right. Just one.
- Just the one, monsieur.

1047
01:23:31,643 --> 01:23:33,053
Voil�.

1048
01:23:37,898 --> 01:23:39,356
Bon app�tit.

1049
01:24:22,273 --> 01:24:25,190
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your cheque.

1050
01:24:58,140 --> 01:25:01,555
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder if we'll...

1051
01:25:02,561 --> 01:25:05,230
ever discover the meaning of it all...

1052
01:25:05,522 --> 01:25:07,929
working in a place like this.

1053
01:25:08,024 --> 01:25:11,938
Well, I've worked in worse places,
philosophically speaking.

1054
01:25:12,028 --> 01:25:13,225
Really, Maria?

1055
01:25:13,321 --> 01:25:14,435
Yes.

1056
01:25:15,239 --> 01:25:18,156
I used to work in the Acad�mie fran�aise.

1057
01:25:18,701 --> 01:25:20,942
But it didn't do me any good at all.

1058
01:25:21,287 --> 01:25:25,747
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid...

1059
01:25:26,291 --> 01:25:29,375
but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall.

1060
01:25:29,961 --> 01:25:34,622
And the Library of Congress
you'd have thought would hold some key...

1061
01:25:35,049 --> 01:25:38,880
but it didn't, and neither did
the Bodleian Library.

1062
01:25:39,720 --> 01:25:43,764
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.

1063
01:25:44,391 --> 01:25:48,851
I worked there from 9:00 till 6:00,
read every volume through...

1064
01:25:49,646 --> 01:25:53,643
but it didn't teach me nothing
about life's mystery.

1065
01:25:54,276 --> 01:25:58,522
I just kept getting older,
and it got more difficult to see.

1066
01:25:58,822 --> 01:26:03,234
Till eventually, me eyes went,
and me arthritis got bad.

1067
01:26:03,743 --> 01:26:06,529
So now, I'm cleaning up in here.

1068
01:26:07,997 --> 01:26:10,238
But I can't be really sad...

1069
01:26:10,457 --> 01:26:13,872
'cause you see, I feel that life's a game.

1070
01:26:14,336 --> 01:26:16,957
You sometimes win or lose...

1071
01:26:17,255 --> 01:26:20,125
and though I may be down right now...

1072
01:26:20,300 --> 01:26:23,300
at least I don't work for Jews.

1073
01:26:28,182 --> 01:26:29,462
I'm so sorry.

1074
01:26:29,725 --> 01:26:33,852
I had no idea we had a racist working here.

1075
01:26:33,979 --> 01:26:37,976
I apologise most sincerely. I mean...

1076
01:26:39,943 --> 01:26:42,729
Where are you going? No, I can explain.

1077
01:26:47,283 --> 01:26:48,445
As for me...

1078
01:26:49,661 --> 01:26:53,325
if you want to know what I think,
I'll show you something.

1079
01:26:55,875 --> 01:26:58,875
Come with me.
I was saying that...

1080
01:27:00,129 --> 01:27:01,671
Hello?
Come on.

1081
01:27:02,464 --> 01:27:03,661
Hello?

1082
01:27:07,886 --> 01:27:09,261
This way.

1083
01:27:13,767 --> 01:27:15,474
Come on. Don't be shy.

1084
01:27:16,811 --> 01:27:18,969
Mind the stairs, all right?

1085
01:27:23,526 --> 01:27:25,648
I think this will help explain.

1086
01:27:33,035 --> 01:27:34,529
Come along.

1087
01:27:37,914 --> 01:27:39,028
Over here.

1088
01:27:50,467 --> 01:27:52,210
Come on. Come on.

1089
01:27:56,932 --> 01:27:58,260
This way.

1090
01:28:02,062 --> 01:28:03,342
Come on.

1091
01:28:07,442 --> 01:28:08,770
This way.

1092
01:28:10,778 --> 01:28:12,188
Stay by me?

1093
01:28:15,407 --> 01:28:17,114
Nearly there now.

1094
01:28:27,085 --> 01:28:28,579
You see that?

1095
01:28:31,339 --> 01:28:33,378
That's where I was born.

1096
01:28:35,676 --> 01:28:37,917
You know, one day...

1097
01:28:38,471 --> 01:28:41,637
my mother put me on her knee
and she said to me:

1098
01:28:43,142 --> 01:28:44,849
"Gaston, my son.

1099
01:28:45,686 --> 01:28:48,639
"The world is a beautiful place.

1100
01:28:49,773 --> 01:28:53,556
"You must go into it and love everyone.

1101
01:28:55,361 --> 01:28:57,519
"Try to make everyone happy...

1102
01:28:58,531 --> 01:29:03,026
"and bring peace and contentment
everywhere you go."

1103
01:29:04,537 --> 01:29:06,410
So I became a waiter.

1104
01:29:15,130 --> 01:29:18,913
It's not much of a philosophy, I know.

1105
01:29:23,054 --> 01:29:26,837
Fuck you. I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.

1106
01:29:28,059 --> 01:29:29,387
Fuck off.

1107
01:29:31,603 --> 01:29:33,346
Don't come followin' me!

1108
01:30:10,306 --> 01:30:12,263
This man is about to die.

1109
01:30:12,767 --> 01:30:15,518
In a few moments now, he will be killed...

1110
01:30:15,811 --> 01:30:18,515
for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal...

1111
01:30:18,606 --> 01:30:22,852
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.

1112
01:30:26,488 --> 01:30:27,768
There he is!

1113
01:30:42,545 --> 01:30:47,087
"Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie
MacAdam Jarrett...

1114
01:30:48,175 --> 01:30:51,958
"you have been convicted
by 12 good persons, and true...

1115
01:30:52,262 --> 01:30:56,888
"of the crime of first-degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes...

1116
01:30:57,308 --> 01:30:59,015
"in a moving picture."

1117
01:31:36,679 --> 01:31:39,430
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

1118
01:31:43,894 --> 01:31:46,930
It's no good.
I just can't go on.

1119
01:31:47,856 --> 01:31:49,682
I'm no good anymore.

1120
01:31:50,692 --> 01:31:52,565
I want to end it all!

1121
01:31:53,319 --> 01:31:55,394
Good-bye! Good-bye!

1122
01:32:04,454 --> 01:32:05,864
Oh, my God!

1123
01:32:06,707 --> 01:32:08,165
Oh, no!

1124
01:32:09,292 --> 01:32:12,541
What'll I do? I can't live without him!

1125
01:32:18,593 --> 01:32:20,965
Mummy!
Mum, where are you?

1126
01:32:21,053 --> 01:32:23,923
Daddy? Mummy?

1127
01:32:24,098 --> 01:32:25,129
Mummy?

1128
01:33:32,036 --> 01:33:33,067
Yes?

1129
01:33:35,081 --> 01:33:36,872
Is it about the hedge?

1130
01:33:39,668 --> 01:33:43,250
I'm awfully sorry, but...
I am the Grim Reaper.

1131
01:33:43,338 --> 01:33:44,452
Who?

1132
01:33:44,548 --> 01:33:47,217
The Grim Reaper.
Yes, I see.

1133
01:33:47,634 --> 01:33:49,875
I am death.

1134
01:33:50,637 --> 01:33:53,886
Well, we have some people
from America for dinner tonight...

1135
01:33:53,973 --> 01:33:56,546
Who is it, darling?
A Mr. Death or something.

1136
01:33:56,642 --> 01:33:59,975
He's come about the reaping?
I don't think we need any now.

1137
01:34:00,062 --> 01:34:03,181
Hello. Don't leave him
hanging around outside. Ask him in.

1138
01:34:03,274 --> 01:34:06,891
- I don't think it's quite the moment.
- Do come in. Come and have a drink.

1139
01:34:06,985 --> 01:34:08,479
Do. Come on.

1140
01:34:12,157 --> 01:34:14,778
It's one of the little men from the village.

1141
01:34:15,410 --> 01:34:17,236
Do come in. Please.

1142
01:34:18,037 --> 01:34:21,156
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.

1143
01:34:21,499 --> 01:34:23,989
- And his wife, Debbie.
- Hello there.

1144
01:34:24,752 --> 01:34:27,836
And these are the Portland-Smythes,
Jeremy and Fiona.

1145
01:34:27,922 --> 01:34:28,917
Good evening.

1146
01:34:29,006 --> 01:34:30,583
This is Mr. Death.

1147
01:34:38,223 --> 01:34:40,974
Well, do get Mr. Death a drink.
Yes.

1148
01:34:42,060 --> 01:34:43,969
Mr. Death is a reaper.

1149
01:34:44,562 --> 01:34:47,515
The Grim Reaper.

1150
01:34:48,024 --> 01:34:50,182
Hardly surprising in this weather.

1151
01:34:52,903 --> 01:34:55,572
So you still reap around here, do you,
Mr. Death?

1152
01:34:55,656 --> 01:34:59,735
I am the Grim Reaper.

1153
01:35:00,494 --> 01:35:03,696
That's about all he says.
There's your drink, Mr. Death.

1154
01:35:03,872 --> 01:35:05,069
Do sit down.

1155
01:35:05,165 --> 01:35:09,209
We were just talking about some
of the awful problems facing the third...

1156
01:35:13,214 --> 01:35:16,914
Would you prefer white?
I'm afraid we don't have any beer.

1157
01:35:17,176 --> 01:35:19,049
The Stilton's awfully good.

1158
01:35:19,929 --> 01:35:25,171
I am not of this world.

1159
01:35:28,061 --> 01:35:29,223
Good Lord.

1160
01:35:29,938 --> 01:35:32,689
I am death.

1161
01:35:36,903 --> 01:35:38,278
Isn't that extraordinary?

1162
01:35:38,362 --> 01:35:40,734
We were talking about death
five minutes ago.

1163
01:35:40,823 --> 01:35:44,772
Yes, we were. You know,
whether death is really the end...

1164
01:35:44,868 --> 01:35:47,654
As my husband Howard here feels,
or whether there is...

1165
01:35:47,746 --> 01:35:50,415
and one hates to use
words like soul or spirit...

1166
01:35:50,499 --> 01:35:53,203
- What other words can one use?
- Exactly.

1167
01:35:53,293 --> 01:35:56,957
You do not understand.

1168
01:35:58,715 --> 01:36:00,707
No. Obviously not.

1169
01:36:00,800 --> 01:36:03,717
I'll tell you something, Mr. Death.
You don't...

1170
01:36:03,803 --> 01:36:06,293
I'd like to express
on behalf of everybody here...

1171
01:36:06,389 --> 01:36:08,714
what a really unique experience this is.

1172
01:36:08,807 --> 01:36:11,973
- Hear, hear.
- We're so delighted that you dropped in.

1173
01:36:12,394 --> 01:36:17,518
- Can I just finish, please?
- Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife?

1174
01:36:18,525 --> 01:36:22,024
- If you could wait, please...
- You sure you wouldn't like some sherry...

1175
01:36:22,112 --> 01:36:24,437
Angela, I'd like to say this, please.

1176
01:36:24,614 --> 01:36:26,902
Quiet!
Can I just say this, please?

1177
01:36:26,991 --> 01:36:31,368
Silence! I have come for you.

1178
01:36:33,998 --> 01:36:38,540
You mean to...
Take you away.

1179
01:36:40,087 --> 01:36:43,253
That is my purpose.

1180
01:36:44,841 --> 01:36:48,458
I am death.

1181
01:36:50,638 --> 01:36:53,722
Well, that's cast rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?

1182
01:36:53,808 --> 01:36:57,057
I don't see it that way, Geoff.
I think we're dealing with...

1183
01:36:57,144 --> 01:37:00,180
a potentially positive
learning experience that can...

1184
01:37:00,272 --> 01:37:03,142
Shut up! Shut up, you American.

1185
01:37:03,233 --> 01:37:05,937
You always talk, you Americans.

1186
01:37:06,403 --> 01:37:08,976
You talk and you talk and you say:

1187
01:37:09,406 --> 01:37:14,233
"Let me tell you something,"
and, "I just wanna say this."

1188
01:37:14,452 --> 01:37:17,820
Well, you're dead now, so shut up!

1189
01:37:18,414 --> 01:37:20,821
Dead?
Dead.

1190
01:37:22,835 --> 01:37:26,001
All of us?
All of you.

1191
01:37:28,674 --> 01:37:32,125
Now look here. You barge in here
quite uninvited, break glasses...

1192
01:37:32,219 --> 01:37:34,840
then announce quite casually
that we're all dead.

1193
01:37:34,930 --> 01:37:37,847
I'd remind you
that you're a guest in this house...

1194
01:37:38,141 --> 01:37:39,303
Be quiet!

1195
01:37:39,642 --> 01:37:43,390
Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous!

1196
01:37:44,480 --> 01:37:46,852
None of you have got any balls.

1197
01:37:48,651 --> 01:37:51,320
Can I ask you a question?
What?

1198
01:37:51,695 --> 01:37:54,612
How can we all have died at the same time?

1199
01:38:07,585 --> 01:38:10,075
The salmon mousse.

1200
01:38:11,172 --> 01:38:14,042
Darling, you didn't use canned salmon,
did you?

1201
01:38:14,717 --> 01:38:17,551
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.

1202
01:38:18,512 --> 01:38:21,963
Now the time has come.

1203
01:38:23,433 --> 01:38:24,512
Follow.

1204
01:38:26,436 --> 01:38:27,811
Follow me.

1205
01:38:42,117 --> 01:38:44,572
Just testing. Sorry.

1206
01:38:46,538 --> 01:38:49,657
Follow me. Now.

1207
01:38:56,589 --> 01:38:57,751
Come.

1208
01:39:01,677 --> 01:39:04,381
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have fresh salmon.

1209
01:39:04,471 --> 01:39:06,546
He's normally so reliable.

1210
01:39:06,640 --> 01:39:09,557
Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.

1211
01:39:13,271 --> 01:39:15,726
Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse.

1212
01:39:21,154 --> 01:39:23,526
Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.

1213
01:39:23,614 --> 01:39:25,072
It really is embarrassing.

1214
01:39:25,157 --> 01:39:29,450
To serve salmon with botulism
at a dinner party is social death.

1215
01:39:31,288 --> 01:39:33,992
Shall we take our cars?
Why not?

1216
01:39:34,708 --> 01:39:35,822
Good idea.

1217
01:40:12,785 --> 01:40:16,367
Behold paradise.

1218
01:40:18,113 --> 01:40:21,861
- I love it here, darling.
- Me, too, Marvin.

1219
01:40:22,367 --> 01:40:24,904
Hello. Welcome to Heaven.

1220
01:40:34,128 --> 01:40:36,998
Excuse me.
Could you just sign here, please, sir?

1221
01:40:37,965 --> 01:40:41,879
Thank you. There's a table for you
through there, in the restaurant.

1222
01:40:42,177 --> 01:40:46,423
- For the ladies.
- Afterlife mints. Thank you.

1223
01:40:46,515 --> 01:40:49,088
Happy Christmas.
Is it Christmas today?

1224
01:40:49,184 --> 01:40:52,599
Of course, madam.
It's Christmas every day in Heaven.

1225
01:40:53,688 --> 01:40:55,561
How about that?
Lovely.

1226
01:41:40,523 --> 01:41:42,480
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

1227
01:41:42,567 --> 01:41:46,730
It's truly a real honourable experience
to be here this evening...

1228
01:41:47,280 --> 01:41:49,652
a very wonderful and warm...

1229
01:41:49,782 --> 01:41:52,154
and emotional moment for all of us.

1230
01:41:53,077 --> 01:41:57,738
And I'd like to sing a song for all of you.

1231
01:42:02,252 --> 01:42:05,952
It's Christmas in Heaven

1232
01:42:06,381 --> 01:42:09,666
All the children sing

1233
01:42:09,926 --> 01:42:12,547
It's Christmas in Heaven

1234
01:42:12,970 --> 01:42:16,884
Hark, hark, those church bells ring

1235
01:42:17,057 --> 01:42:20,223
It's Christmas in Heaven

1236
01:42:20,394 --> 01:42:23,560
The snow falls from the sky

1237
01:42:24,022 --> 01:42:26,144
But it's nice and warm

1238
01:42:26,316 --> 01:42:30,693
And everyone looks smart and wears a tie

1239
01:42:36,826 --> 01:42:40,194
It's Christmas in Heaven

1240
01:42:40,496 --> 01:42:43,282
There's great films on TC

1241
01:42:44,166 --> 01:42:47,581
The Sound of Music twice an hour

1242
01:42:47,753 --> 01:42:50,789
And Jaws I, II and III

1243
01:42:51,423 --> 01:42:54,957
There's gifts for all the family

1244
01:42:55,135 --> 01:42:58,171
There's toiletries and trains

1245
01:42:58,763 --> 01:43:02,012
There's Sony Walkman headphone sets

1246
01:43:02,475 --> 01:43:05,594
And the latest video games

1247
01:43:06,187 --> 01:43:09,851
It's Christmas in Heaven

1248
01:43:10,399 --> 01:43:13,150
Hip-hip-hooray

1249
01:43:13,235 --> 01:43:18,477
Every single day is Christmas Day

1250
01:43:20,909 --> 01:43:24,028
It's Christmas in Heaven

1251
01:43:27,623 --> 01:43:31,038
Every single day is...

1252
01:43:35,380 --> 01:43:38,416
That's the end of the film.
Now here's the meaning of life.

1253
01:43:40,177 --> 01:43:41,671
Thank you, Brigitte.

1254
01:43:46,349 --> 01:43:49,634
It's nothing special.
"Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat.

1255
01:43:49,727 --> 01:43:52,300
"Read a good book now and then.
Get some walking in.

1256
01:43:52,396 --> 01:43:56,345
"Try to live together in peace and harmony
with people of all creeds and nations."

1257
01:43:56,442 --> 01:44:00,356
Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures
of penises to annoy the censors...

1258
01:44:00,446 --> 01:44:03,897
and hopefully spark controversy,
which is the only way...

1259
01:44:03,990 --> 01:44:08,201
to get the jaded video-sated public
off their asses and back in the cinema.

1260
01:44:08,703 --> 01:44:11,620
Family entertainment? Bollocks.
They want filth:

1261
01:44:11,831 --> 01:44:14,500
People doing things to each other
with chain saws.

1262
01:44:14,584 --> 01:44:18,201
Babysitters stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates.

1263
01:44:18,296 --> 01:44:20,253
Vigilante groups strangling chickens.

1264
01:44:20,339 --> 01:44:23,209
Armed bands of theatre critics
exterminating mutant goats.

1265
01:44:23,300 --> 01:44:25,209
Where's the fun in pictures?

1266
01:44:25,302 --> 01:44:27,839
Oh, well, there we are.
Here's the theme music.

1267
01:44:27,930 --> 01:44:29,127
Good night.

1268
01:44:41,922 --> 01:44:46,385
~ Just remember that you're
standing on a planet ~

1269
01:44:46,496 --> 01:44:51,802
~ That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour ~

1270
01:44:51,908 --> 01:44:55,710
~ It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned ~

1271
01:44:55,815 --> 01:44:59,651
~ A sun that is the source
of all our power ~

1272
01:44:59,755 --> 01:45:03,487
~ The sun and you and me and all
the stars that we can see ~

1273
01:45:03,597 --> 01:45:07,559
~ Are moving at
a million miles a day ~

1274
01:45:07,671 --> 01:45:11,610
~ In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour ~

1275
01:45:11,712 --> 01:45:14,511
~ Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way ~

1276
01:45:23,635 --> 01:45:27,539
~ Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars ~

1277
01:45:27,642 --> 01:45:31,546
~ It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side ~

1278
01:45:31,651 --> 01:45:34,951
~ It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick ~

1279
01:45:35,057 --> 01:45:39,463
~ But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide ~

1280
01:45:39,567 --> 01:45:43,131
~ We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point ~

1281
01:45:43,239 --> 01:45:47,234
~ We go round every
200 million years ~

1282
01:45:47,349 --> 01:45:50,913
~ And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions ~

1283
01:45:51,021 --> 01:45:54,185
~ In this amazing
and expanding universe ~

1284
01:46:26,758 --> 01:46:31,323
~ The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding ~

1285
01:46:31,434 --> 01:46:35,166
~ In all of the directions
it can whizz ~

1286
01:46:35,275 --> 01:46:39,077
~ As fast as it can go at the
speed of light you know ~

1287
01:46:39,183 --> 01:46:42,712
~ Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is ~

1288
01:46:42,824 --> 01:46:46,956
~ So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure ~

1289
01:46:47,063 --> 01:46:51,025
~ How amazingly unlikely
is your birth ~

1290
01:46:51,140 --> 01:46:54,577
~ And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere out in space ~

1291
01:46:54,680 --> 01:46:57,513
~ 'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth. ~