1
00:00:00,138 --> 00:00:02,203
We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.
2
00:00:02,204 --> 00:00:05,105
- We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.
- Be quiet!
3
00:00:05,207 --> 00:00:10,235
Now look, we're just asking you
if you've got this man's leg.
4
00:00:10,346 --> 00:00:12,906
- A wooden leg?
- No, no, a proper leg.
5
00:00:13,015 --> 00:00:18,578
He was fast asleep, and someone...
or something... came in and removed it.
6
00:00:18,687 --> 00:00:21,520
Without waking him up?
7
00:00:22,725 --> 00:00:25,225
- Yes.
- I don't believe you.
8
00:00:25,260 --> 00:00:27,956
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
9
00:00:28,063 --> 00:00:30,588
- The owner wanted it taken to Dar Es Salaam...
- Shut up!
10
00:00:30,699 --> 00:00:34,465
Now look, have you or have you not
got his leg?
11
00:00:34,570 --> 00:00:38,370
- Yes.
- No. No, no, no, no.
12
00:00:40,209 --> 00:00:42,769
- Why did you say yes?
- I didn't.
13
00:00:42,878 --> 00:00:45,378
I'm not talking to you.
14
00:00:46,548 --> 00:00:51,417
Um... um...
Hmm.
15
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,621
Right. Search the thicket.
16
00:00:53,622 --> 00:00:58,491
Oh, come on. Do we look like the sort of
chaps who'd creep into a camp at night,
17
00:00:58,594 --> 00:01:01,495
steal into someone's tent, anaesthetize
them, tissue-type them,
18
00:01:01,597 --> 00:01:03,898
amputate a leg
and run away with it?
19
00:01:03,899 --> 00:01:06,067
Search the thicket.
20
00:01:06,068 --> 00:01:08,798
Oh, leg! You're looking
for a leg!
21
00:01:08,904 --> 00:01:11,239
Actually, I think there is one there
somewhere.
22
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,801
Somebody must have abandoned it here,
knowing you were coming after it.
23
00:01:14,910 --> 00:01:18,141
We stumbled across it, actually.
They'll be miles away by now.
24
00:01:18,247 --> 00:01:21,648
We'll have to take
all the blame.
25
00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:25,880
Hello, good evening and welcome to
The Middle of the Film.
26
00:01:33,128 --> 00:01:35,722
Hello, and welcome to
The Middle of the Film,
27
00:01:35,831 --> 00:01:40,200
the moment where we take a break to invite
you, the audience, to join us, the filmmakers,
28
00:01:40,302 --> 00:01:43,100
in "Find the Fish. "
29
00:01:43,205 --> 00:01:45,705
We're going to show you
a scene from another film...
30
00:01:45,774 --> 00:01:48,504
and ask you to guess
where the fish is.
31
00:01:48,610 --> 00:01:51,340
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
32
00:01:51,447 --> 00:01:56,680
Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you.
So here we are with "Find the Fish. "
33
00:02:06,628 --> 00:02:10,428
I wonder where that fish has gone.
34
00:02:10,532 --> 00:02:12,533
You did love it so.
35
00:02:12,534 --> 00:02:15,526
You looked after it like a son.
36
00:02:15,637 --> 00:02:19,937
And it went wherever I did go.
37
00:02:20,042 --> 00:02:23,637
- Is it in the cupboard?
- Yes! No!
38
00:02:23,745 --> 00:02:28,045
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
39
00:02:28,150 --> 00:02:32,951
And it went wherever I did go.
40
00:02:33,055 --> 00:02:37,389
- It's behind the sofa!
- Where can that fish be?
41
00:02:37,493 --> 00:02:39,993
Have you thought of the
drawers in the bureau?
42
00:02:39,995 --> 00:02:43,055
It is a most elusive fish.
43
00:02:43,165 --> 00:02:47,329
And it went wherever I did go.
44
00:02:47,436 --> 00:02:51,566
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.
45
00:02:51,673 --> 00:02:56,235
Uh, fish, uh, fish,
uh, fishy, ohh!
46
00:02:56,345 --> 00:03:01,248
Ohhh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!
47
00:03:01,350 --> 00:03:05,514
That went wherever I did go.
48
00:03:05,621 --> 00:03:09,113
- Look up his trunk!
- Yeah! It's in his trousers!
49
00:03:09,224 --> 00:03:11,692
- That was terrific!
- Great! Yeah!
50
00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:15,254
- Best bit so far.
- Fantastic! Really great!
51
00:03:15,364 --> 00:03:17,864
Really risky, yeah.
52
00:03:21,136 --> 00:03:24,799
They haven't said much about the
meaning of life so far, have they?
53
00:03:24,907 --> 00:03:27,407
- Well, it's been building up to it.
- Has it?
54
00:03:27,442 --> 00:03:30,343
Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.
55
00:03:30,445 --> 00:03:34,882
Personally, I doubt they're going to say
anything about the meaning of life at all.
56
00:03:34,983 --> 00:03:37,975
- Oh, come on. They've gotta say something.
- They're bound to.
57
00:03:38,086 --> 00:03:40,586
Yeah.
58
00:03:43,058 --> 00:03:46,152
- What do you think the next bit will be?
- Caption, I expect.
59
00:03:46,261 --> 00:03:48,761
What, about the next stage of life, you mean?
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
60
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:20,009
Oh, gee.
61
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,378
Wow.
62
00:04:22,379 --> 00:04:24,347
What a wonderful room.
63
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:27,283
Right. Real homey.
64
00:04:27,384 --> 00:04:29,884
Yeah.
65
00:04:31,555 --> 00:04:34,524
Could we have our cases
down here, please, Ricky?
66
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,534
- Cheapskate.
- Thank you.
67
00:04:50,073 --> 00:04:52,701
- Isn't he cute?
- Sure is.
68
00:05:00,817 --> 00:05:03,317
Look at this, darling.
69
00:05:06,323 --> 00:05:08,985
That's wonderful.
70
00:05:09,092 --> 00:05:10,760
I love snowscapes.
71
00:05:10,761 --> 00:05:13,261
- Me too.
- Me too.
72
00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:16,292
Well, guess I could use a bath...
73
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,369
and freshen up a little.
74
00:05:19,469 --> 00:05:21,637
Then maybe we could go explore.
75
00:05:21,638 --> 00:05:23,839
That's a real good idea.
76
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,673
I'm gonna just empty out
the contents of my bag...
77
00:05:26,777 --> 00:05:28,978
and have a look through them, okay?
78
00:05:28,979 --> 00:05:31,479
Yeah. Great idea.
79
00:05:32,516 --> 00:05:35,016
Great.
80
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,028
- Feeling better, honey?
- Yeah.
81
00:05:46,029 --> 00:05:47,296
That's good.
82
00:05:47,297 --> 00:05:50,266
Well, what's in your handbag
today, honey?
83
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:52,368
Oh, just the usual thing.
84
00:05:52,369 --> 00:05:54,470
Powder case, lipstick...
85
00:05:54,471 --> 00:05:56,996
some packets of gum, hairbrush...
86
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,208
diary, 38 tampons...
87
00:05:59,209 --> 00:06:01,110
Thirty-eight tampons?
88
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,379
I was just signing my name in...
89
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:05,880
and the girl said to me,
"How old are you?"
90
00:06:05,982 --> 00:06:08,117
And I said, "I'm 46."
91
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,486
And she said,
"Are you still menstruating?"
92
00:06:10,487 --> 00:06:12,987
- And I said, "Sure. "
- Right.
93
00:06:13,056 --> 00:06:16,116
So she gave me a couple
of these little boxes...
94
00:06:16,226 --> 00:06:18,360
courtesy of the Super Inn.
95
00:06:18,361 --> 00:06:20,830
Aren't they cute?
96
00:06:20,831 --> 00:06:24,096
"Have a nice month. "
Oh, that's real good.
97
00:06:24,201 --> 00:06:27,568
- I really love this hotel, Marvin.
- Me too.
98
00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:36,010
Oh, that's much better.
99
00:06:36,179 --> 00:06:38,013
Thank you, honey.
100
00:06:38,014 --> 00:06:40,778
Everything was a little bit
misty before.
101
00:06:42,185 --> 00:06:44,587
Hi. How are you?
102
00:06:44,588 --> 00:06:47,113
- Oh, we're just fine.
- That's good.
103
00:06:47,224 --> 00:06:49,558
How's the cholera problem coming on?
104
00:06:49,559 --> 00:06:51,494
Just fine.
I think we got it licked.
105
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:55,591
Oh, that's great. It's a real
nasty thing to have happen in a hotel.
106
00:06:55,699 --> 00:06:58,429
Right. Cholera is no fun.
107
00:06:58,535 --> 00:07:00,603
Did you know in the 19th century...
108
00:07:00,604 --> 00:07:04,597
cholera accounted for
over 12 million deaths in Europe alone?
109
00:07:04,708 --> 00:07:06,242
- Is that so?
- Right.
110
00:07:06,243 --> 00:07:08,677
So you can see how keen we are
to get it around here.
111
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,943
Right now we need cholera
like a hole in the head.
112
00:07:12,048 --> 00:07:13,949
Right.
113
00:07:13,950 --> 00:07:16,851
So, what kind of food would
you like to eat tonight?
114
00:07:16,953 --> 00:07:19,581
Well, we sort of like pineapple.
115
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:22,124
Yes, we love pineapples.
116
00:07:22,125 --> 00:07:24,426
Anything with pineapple in's
great for us.
117
00:07:24,427 --> 00:07:26,862
Well, why not the dungeon room?
118
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:28,931
Oh, that sounds fine.
119
00:07:28,932 --> 00:07:30,933
Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food...
120
00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:35,030
served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
121
00:07:35,138 --> 00:07:37,638
Oh, it sounds wonderful.
122
00:07:42,746 --> 00:07:45,874
Hello, I'm Diana.
I'm your waitress for tonight.
123
00:07:45,982 --> 00:07:47,550
Where're you from?
124
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:50,520
- We're from room 259.
- Where are you from?
125
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:53,120
- I'm from out those doors over there.
- Oh.
126
00:07:53,156 --> 00:07:54,323
Great.
127
00:07:54,324 --> 00:07:55,891
- Ice water?
- Thank you.
128
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,793
- Coffee?
- Thank you very much.
129
00:07:57,794 --> 00:08:00,319
- Ketchup?
- Oh, lovely. Real nice.
130
00:08:00,430 --> 00:08:03,058
- TV?
- Oh, that's fine.
131
00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:04,733
- That's swell.
- Yeah.
132
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,936
- Telephone.
- A telephone?
133
00:08:06,937 --> 00:08:09,437
You can phone any other table
in the restaurant after 6:00.
134
00:08:09,472 --> 00:08:11,240
Oh, that's great.
135
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:12,808
- Some choice.
- Yeah, right.
136
00:08:12,809 --> 00:08:15,642
Okay. Do you want
any food with your meal?
137
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,180
Well, what do you have?
138
00:08:18,181 --> 00:08:21,241
Well, we have things shaped
like this in green...
139
00:08:21,351 --> 00:08:23,851
or things shaped like that in brown.
140
00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:26,520
What do you think, darling?
141
00:08:26,523 --> 00:08:28,591
Well, it is our anniversary, Marvin.
142
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:30,960
Yeah, what the hell.
We'll have a couple of things...
143
00:08:30,961 --> 00:08:33,461
shaped like that in brown, please.
144
00:08:33,997 --> 00:08:36,497
Okay, fine.
Thank you, sir.
145
00:08:36,499 --> 00:08:39,559
Two brown.
Number 259.
146
00:08:39,669 --> 00:08:42,169
And will you be
having intercourse tonight?
147
00:08:42,806 --> 00:08:45,306
Do we have to decide now?
148
00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:48,477
Sounds a good idea, honey.
149
00:08:48,478 --> 00:08:50,846
I mean, it sounds swell.
150
00:08:50,847 --> 00:08:52,848
Why not?
151
00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:56,182
Yeah, right.
Could be fun.
152
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:59,551
Compliments of the Super Inn.
Have a nice fuck.
153
00:08:59,656 --> 00:09:02,156
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
154
00:09:02,359 --> 00:09:04,859
"Super Inn Skins. "
155
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:22,259
Isn't this nice?
How are ya?
156
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:27,260
- Take a little Kodak.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
157
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:45,011
Good evening. Uh, would you
care for something to talk about?
158
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,119
Oh, that would be wonderful.
159
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,620
Our special tonight is minorities.
160
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,824
Oh, that sounds real interesting.
161
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:55,317
- What's this conversation here?
- That's, uh, football.
162
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,863
You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday...
163
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:01,197
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
164
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,769
No, no, no.
What is this one here?
165
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:07,501
- Ah, that's philosophy.
- Is that a sport?
166
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,167
Ah, no, it's more of an attempt...
167
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:14,179
to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.
168
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,341
- What was that?
- What's he saying?
169
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:22,149
Oh, that sounds wonderful. Would you like
to talk about the meaning of life, darling?
170
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,456
Sure. Why not?
171
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,659
- Philosophy for two?
- Right.
172
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,661
- Room?
- 259.
173
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:33,759
- 259.
- Yeah. Uh, uh, how do we...
174
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:37,633
- Oh, you folks want me to start you off?
- We'd appreciate that.
175
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:41,036
Okay! Well, uh, look.
176
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,304
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
177
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,306
Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
178
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:53,011
No, no, no. I mean, uh, why we're
here, on this planet.
179
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:57,089
Mmm, no.
180
00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:01,823
Right. Ah, you ever wanted to know
what it's all about?
181
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:03,829
Nope.
182
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:06,822
Righty-ho!
Uh, well, uh,
183
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:09,731
see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women...
184
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:14,000
who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.
185
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:17,099
- Great!
- And we call these guys philosophers.
186
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,511
- Oh!
- And that's what we're talking about.
187
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,880
- Right!
- Oh, that's neat.
188
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:26,079
Well, you look you're getting the idea, so
why don't I give you these conversation cards.
189
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:30,680
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.
190
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:35,352
- There you are. Have a nice conversation.
- Oh, thank you very much.
191
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:38,522
- He's cute.
- Yeah, real understanding.
192
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:42,931
Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was
a philosopher.
193
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:48,701
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an "S."
194
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,910
Oh.
195
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:56,882
Um, like Nietzsche.
196
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,818
Does "Nietzsche"
begin with an "S"?
197
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,084
Uh, there's an "S"
in "Nietzsche. "
198
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,786
Oh, well, yes, there is.
199
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,231
Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?
200
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:15,167
Uh, yeah. I think most of them do.
201
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:19,830
Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is
a philosopher?
202
00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:23,306
Yeah! Right! She could be.
203
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,577
She sings about the meaning of life.
204
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:30,481
Yeah. That's right, but I don't think
she writes her own material.
205
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:34,644
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
206
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,655
No. Burt Bacharach
writes it.
207
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,590
There's no "S"
in "Burt Bacharach. "
208
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,028
Or in "Hal David. "
209
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,657
Who's Hal David?
210
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:49,166
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
211
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,830
Only now, he's married
to Carol Bayer Sager.
212
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:59,009
Uh, waiter?
This conversation isn't very good.
213
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:04,209
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Ah, we do have
one today that's not on the menu.
214
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:08,310
It's sort of a specialty of the house,
you know? Live organ transplants.
215
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:12,189
Live organ transplants?
What's that?
216
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:23,627
Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.
217
00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:34,544
- Yes?
- Hello. Uh, can we have your liver?
218
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,147
- My what?
- Your liver.
219
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,950
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
220
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:45,222
You know, it's
reddish-brown, sort of...
221
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:49,352
Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but
I'm using it.
222
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:55,828
- Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.
- Hey, hey, hey!
223
00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:58,435
Hello!
224
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,131
- What's this, then?
- A liver donor's card.
225
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,343
- Need we say more?
- No.
226
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:08,110
Listen, I can't give it you now.
It says "in the event of death. "
227
00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:13,117
No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.
228
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:15,744
Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.
229
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:33,703
- Here. What's going on?
- He's donating his liver, madam.
230
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:38,038
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
231
00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:41,045
- That's right, madam.
- Typical of him.
232
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,415
He goes down to
the public library,
233
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,417
sees a few signs up,
234
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,918
comes home all full
of good intentions.
235
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:51,857
He gives blood, does cold research,
all that sort of thing.
236
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,790
What do you do
with them all, anyway?
237
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,166
They all go to
saving lives, madam.
238
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,168
That's what he used to say.
239
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:05,571
"It's all for the good of the country,"
he used to say.
240
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:09,633
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
241
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,734
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
242
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:16,838
I wouldn't know about that, madam.
We're just doing our jobs, you know?
243
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:21,080
You're not doctors, then?
244
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,355
Oh, blimey, no.
245
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:26,985
Mum, Dad, I'm off out now.
246
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,593
- I'll see you about 7:00?
- Righto, son.
247
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:32,196
Look after yourself.
248
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:40,002
You, uh, fancy a cup of tea?
249
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,166
Oh, well, that'd be very nice.
Thank you.
250
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,776
Thank you very much, madam.
251
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,946
I thought she'd never ask.
252
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,954
Uh, you do realize...
253
00:15:55,955 --> 00:16:01,018
he has to be, uh, well, dead
by the terms of the card...
254
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,128
before he donates his liver.
255
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:07,429
Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.
256
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,033
I mean, I was wonderin', uh...
257
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,900
Well, you know, what you was
thinkin' of doin' after that.
258
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:16,100
I mean...
Will you stay on your own?
259
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:20,509
Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of...
260
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,149
on the horizon?
261
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,711
I'm too old for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.
262
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:31,654
Not at all.
Very attractive woman.
263
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:35,216
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
264
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:39,363
- Sure?
- Sure.
265
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,806
- Can we have your liver then?
- I would be scared.
266
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,410
All right.
267
00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,281
I'll tell you what.
268
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:58,283
Listen to this.
269
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:01,742
* Whenever life gets you
down, Mrs. Brown, *
270
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,312
* and things seem
hard or tough... *
271
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:10,192
* and people are stupid,
obnoxious or daft... *
272
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:13,094
* And you feel
that you've had *
273
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:17,397
* Quite enough *
274
00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:22,932
* Just remember
that you're standing *
275
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,377
* On a planet
that's evolving *
276
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:29,178
* And revolving at
900 miles an hour *
277
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:33,275
* It's orbiting at 19 miles a second
so it's reckoned *
278
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:37,447
* A sun that is the source
of all our power *
279
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:41,015
* The sun and you and me and all
the stars that we can see *
280
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:44,961
* Are moving
at a million miles a day *
281
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:49,125
* In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour *
282
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,931
* Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way *
283
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,880
* Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars *
284
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:08,977
* It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side *
285
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,489
* It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick *
286
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:16,824
* But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide *
287
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,592
* We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point *
288
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,534
* We go round
every 200 million years *
289
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:28,368
* And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions *
290
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:32,410
* In this amazing
and expanding universe *
291
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:08,704
* The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding *
292
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:12,581
* In all of the directions
it can whizz *
293
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:16,485
* As fast as it can go the speed
of light you know *
294
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:20,047
* Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is *
295
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:24,152
* So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure *
296
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:28,165
* How amazingly unlikely
is your birth *
297
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:32,067
* And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in space *
298
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,038
* 'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth. *
299
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,478
Makes you feel so...
sort of insignificant, doesn't it?
300
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,083
Yeah. Yeah.
301
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:50,417
Can we have your liver, then?
302
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,023
- Yeah, all right. You talked me into it.
- Eric!
303
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:05,132
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization...
304
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:09,265
of just how much there is
still left to own.
305
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:14,403
Item six on the agenda:
"The Meaning of Life. "
306
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,279
Now, uh, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
307
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:22,377
I've had a team working on this over
the past few weeks,
308
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:27,949
and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.
309
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,291
One: People are not
wearing enough hats.
310
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:34,127
Two: Matter is energy.
311
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:39,330
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
312
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:41,938
Some energies have
a spiritual source...
313
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,739
which act upon a person's soul.
314
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:48,575
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio...
315
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:51,673
as orthodox Christianity teaches.
316
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:54,019
It has to be brought into existence...
317
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:57,979
by a process of guided self-observation.
318
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,389
However, this is rarely achieved owing
to man's unique ability...
319
00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:05,726
to be distracted from spiritual matters
by everyday trivia.
320
00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:12,536
What was that about hats again?
321
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:17,001
- Oh, people aren't wearing enough.
- Is this true?
322
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:21,102
Certainly. Hat sales have increased,
but not pari passu, as our research...
323
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:23,738
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?
324
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:26,511
Can I just ask, with reference to
your second point,
325
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:31,147
when you say souls don't develop because
people become distracted...
326
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,959
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
327
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:40,961
- What?
- Good Lord!
328
00:22:01,087 --> 00:22:03,088
Good Lord!
329
00:22:03,089 --> 00:22:06,616
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
330
00:22:08,928 --> 00:22:11,897
We interrupt this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attack...
331
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,099
by the supporting feature.
332
00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:16,167
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality...
333
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,403
and are now taking steps
to remedy it.
334
00:22:18,404 --> 00:22:20,904
Thank you.
335
00:22:26,112 --> 00:22:28,672
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
336
00:22:28,781 --> 00:22:31,909
Here's a little number I tossed off
recently in the Caribbean.
337
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:34,919
* Isn't it awfully nice
to have a penis *
338
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:37,956
* Isn't it frightfully good
to have a dong *
339
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:40,924
* It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick *
340
00:22:41,027 --> 00:22:44,588
* From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prick *
341
00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:48,030
* So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas *
342
00:22:48,134 --> 00:22:51,126
* Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snake *
343
00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:55,173
* Your piece of pork your wife's
best friend your percy or your cock *
344
00:22:55,274 --> 00:22:58,607
* You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock *
345
00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,680
* But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dock *
346
00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:04,249
* And you won't come back **
347
00:23:04,250 --> 00:23:06,750
Thank you very much.
348
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:10,120
Oh, what a frightfully witty song.
349
00:23:10,156 --> 00:23:12,656
So clever.
350
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,918
- Jolly good.
- Marvellous.
351
00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:27,003
Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!
352
00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:49,049
- Ah, good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
- Better.
353
00:23:49,161 --> 00:23:52,358
- Better?
- Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
354
00:23:52,465 --> 00:23:55,457
Uh, Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.
355
00:23:58,838 --> 00:24:01,338
There we are, monsieur.
356
00:24:16,555 --> 00:24:18,857
- Merci, Gaston.
- I haven't finished.
357
00:24:18,858 --> 00:24:20,792
Oh, pardon!
Gaston?
358
00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:22,961
A thousand pardons,
monsieur.
359
00:24:22,962 --> 00:24:27,262
Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's
favourite: The jugged hare.
360
00:24:27,366 --> 00:24:29,534
The hare is very high,
361
00:24:29,535 --> 00:24:32,129
and the sauce is very rich,
362
00:24:32,238 --> 00:24:36,902
with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
363
00:24:37,009 --> 00:24:39,534
- Thank you, Gaston.
- There's still more.
364
00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:42,145
Ah. Allow me.
365
00:24:43,382 --> 00:24:45,882
A new bucket for monsieur.
366
00:24:49,421 --> 00:24:51,921
And the cleaning woman.
367
00:24:53,759 --> 00:24:56,728
Et maintenant, would monsieur care
for an aperitif...
368
00:24:56,829 --> 00:24:59,329
or would he prefer
to order straightaway?
369
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:04,367
Today, we have for appetizers...
excuse me...
370
00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:09,906
uh, moules marinieres, pate de
foie gras, beluga caviar,
371
00:25:10,009 --> 00:25:13,604
eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux... that's leek tart...
372
00:25:13,712 --> 00:25:17,614
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd...
373
00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:21,846
C'est a dire, little quails' eggs on
a bed of pureed mushrooms.
374
00:25:21,954 --> 00:25:23,955
It's very delicate,
very succulent.
375
00:25:23,956 --> 00:25:26,754
I'll have the lot.
376
00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:30,795
A wise choice, monsieur.
And now, how would you like it served?
377
00:25:30,896 --> 00:25:33,396
All, uh, mixed up
together in a bucket?
378
00:25:33,465 --> 00:25:35,466
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
379
00:25:35,467 --> 00:25:39,096
- But of course. Avec les oeufs frites.
- Don't skimp on the pate.
380
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:42,936
Oh, monsieur, I assure you: Just because
it is mixed up with all the other things,
381
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,410
we would not dream of giving you
less than the full amount.
382
00:25:45,411 --> 00:25:49,643
In fact, I will personally make sure
you have a double helping.
383
00:25:49,748 --> 00:25:53,047
Maintenant, quelque chose a boire.
Something to drink, monsieur?
384
00:25:53,152 --> 00:25:56,315
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45...
385
00:25:56,422 --> 00:25:59,482
- '45.
- And a double Jeroboam of champagne.
386
00:25:59,592 --> 00:26:02,092
Bon. And the usual brown ales?
387
00:26:02,161 --> 00:26:05,995
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think
I could only manage six crates today.
388
00:26:06,098 --> 00:26:10,728
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.
389
00:26:10,836 --> 00:26:12,904
- Shut up!
- D'accord.
390
00:26:12,905 --> 00:26:16,136
Ah! The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
391
00:26:23,182 --> 00:26:25,183
Is there something
wrong with the food?
392
00:26:25,184 --> 00:26:27,185
No, the food was excellent.
393
00:26:27,186 --> 00:26:30,485
- Perhaps you're not happy with the service?
- No, no complaints.
394
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:34,081
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.
395
00:26:35,461 --> 00:26:38,362
And we have a train to catch.
396
00:26:38,464 --> 00:26:41,763
Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch.
397
00:26:41,867 --> 00:26:45,564
And I don't want to start bleeding
all over the seats.
398
00:26:45,671 --> 00:26:48,435
- Madam?
- Perhaps we should be going?
399
00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:53,378
Ah, very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.
400
00:26:53,479 --> 00:26:57,711
So nice to see you, and I hope very
much we will see you again very soon.
401
00:26:57,816 --> 00:27:00,151
Au revoir, monsieur.
402
00:27:00,152 --> 00:27:03,417
Oh, dear.
I have trodden in monsieur's bucket.
403
00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,626
Another bucket
for monsieur!
404
00:27:11,697 --> 00:27:14,598
And perhaps a hose.
405
00:27:16,735 --> 00:27:19,829
Oh, Max.
Really!
406
00:27:35,721 --> 00:27:39,555
- Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
- Nah!
407
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:42,923
Oh, sir, it's only
a tiny, little thin one.
408
00:27:43,028 --> 00:27:46,691
- No, fuck off. I'm full.
- Oh, sir. Hmm?
409
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,501
It's only wafer-thin.
410
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:55,405
Look, I couldn't eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.
411
00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:59,568
- Bugger off.
- Oh, sir, just... just one.
412
00:28:02,748 --> 00:28:06,377
- Oh, just one.
- Just the one, monsieur.
413
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:10,687
Voila.
414
00:28:14,059 --> 00:28:16,559
Bon appetit.
415
00:28:57,469 --> 00:29:00,563
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
416
00:29:34,206 --> 00:29:37,369
You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder...
417
00:29:37,476 --> 00:29:41,776
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all...
418
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,380
working in a place like this.
419
00:29:44,383 --> 00:29:48,342
Well, I've worked in worse places,
philosophically speaking.
420
00:29:48,454 --> 00:29:51,514
- Really, Maria?
- Yes.
421
00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:54,456
I used to work
in the Academie Francaise,
422
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,060
but it didn't do me
any good at all.
423
00:29:57,162 --> 00:30:02,464
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
424
00:30:02,568 --> 00:30:06,197
but it didn't teach me nothin',
I recall.
425
00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:11,140
And the Library of Congress you'd have
thought would hold some key,
426
00:30:11,243 --> 00:30:15,907
but it didn't, and neither did
the Bodleian Library.
427
00:30:16,014 --> 00:30:20,474
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
428
00:30:20,586 --> 00:30:25,250
I worked there from 9:00 'til 6:00,
read every volume through,
429
00:30:25,357 --> 00:30:30,226
but it didn't teach me nothing
about life's mystery.
430
00:30:30,329 --> 00:30:35,062
I just kept getting older,
and it got more difficult to see.
431
00:30:35,167 --> 00:30:39,968
'Til eventually, me eyes went, and
me arthritis got bad.
432
00:30:40,072 --> 00:30:42,836
So now, I'm
cleaning up in here.
433
00:30:44,276 --> 00:30:46,776
But I can't be really sad...
434
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:50,508
'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.
435
00:30:50,616 --> 00:30:53,676
You sometimes win or lose,
436
00:30:53,785 --> 00:30:56,583
and though I may be
down right now,
437
00:30:56,688 --> 00:30:59,282
at least I don't work for Jews.
438
00:31:03,795 --> 00:31:06,197
I'm so sorry.
439
00:31:06,198 --> 00:31:09,998
I had no idea we had
a racist working here.
440
00:31:10,102 --> 00:31:13,299
I- I apologize
most sincerely.
441
00:31:13,405 --> 00:31:15,706
I mean...
442
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:18,437
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
443
00:31:18,544 --> 00:31:21,044
Oh, quel domage.
444
00:31:23,582 --> 00:31:25,783
As for me... Huh!
445
00:31:25,784 --> 00:31:28,309
If you want to know
what I think...
446
00:31:28,420 --> 00:31:30,920
I'll show you something.
447
00:31:31,757 --> 00:31:35,284
- Come with me.
- I was saying that...
448
00:31:35,394 --> 00:31:37,894
- Uh, hello?
- Come on.
449
00:31:38,664 --> 00:31:41,164
Uh, hello?
450
00:31:42,234 --> 00:31:44,734
- Hello!
- This way.
451
00:31:49,841 --> 00:31:52,401
Come on. Don't be shy.
452
00:31:52,511 --> 00:31:55,011
Mind the stairs, all right?
453
00:31:59,284 --> 00:32:01,784
I think this will help explain.
454
00:32:08,994 --> 00:32:11,494
Come along. Come along.
455
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:16,599
Over here.
456
00:32:26,478 --> 00:32:28,978
Come on. Come on.
457
00:32:33,018 --> 00:32:35,518
This way.
458
00:32:38,290 --> 00:32:40,790
Come on.
459
00:32:43,462 --> 00:32:45,962
This way.
460
00:32:46,832 --> 00:32:49,332
Stay by me, huh?
461
00:32:51,670 --> 00:32:54,170
Nearly there now.
462
00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:05,982
You see that?
463
00:33:07,419 --> 00:33:09,919
That's where I was born.
464
00:33:11,423 --> 00:33:15,382
You know, one day,
my... my mother,
465
00:33:15,494 --> 00:33:18,019
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
466
00:33:19,398 --> 00:33:21,699
"Gaston, my son,
467
00:33:21,700 --> 00:33:24,669
"the world is a beautiful place.
468
00:33:26,071 --> 00:33:29,370
"You must go into it
and love everyone.
469
00:33:31,410 --> 00:33:36,905
"Try to make everyone happy and
bring peace and contentment...
470
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,515
everywhere you go. "
471
00:33:40,585 --> 00:33:43,085
So I became a waiter.
472
00:33:51,430 --> 00:33:55,025
Well, it's... it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
473
00:33:56,935 --> 00:33:59,927
Well, fuck you.
474
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:04,099
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
475
00:34:04,209 --> 00:34:06,709
Fuck off.
476
00:34:07,646 --> 00:34:10,146
Don't come followin' me!
477
00:34:46,585 --> 00:34:48,853
This man is about to die.
478
00:34:48,854 --> 00:34:51,823
In a few moments now,
he will be killed,
479
00:34:51,923 --> 00:34:54,517
for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal...
480
00:34:54,626 --> 00:34:58,494
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
481
00:35:02,534 --> 00:35:05,034
There he is!
482
00:35:18,784 --> 00:35:24,347
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,
483
00:35:24,456 --> 00:35:28,187
you have been convicted
by 12 good persons, and true,
484
00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:33,356
of the crime of first degree making
of gratuitous sexist jokes...
485
00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:35,965
in a moving picture.
486
00:36:12,704 --> 00:36:15,332
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
487
00:36:20,278 --> 00:36:24,009
It's no good.
I- I just can't go on.
488
00:36:24,115 --> 00:36:26,517
I'm no good anymore.
489
00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:29,453
I- I want to end it all!
490
00:36:29,554 --> 00:36:32,054
Good-bye!
Good-bye!
491
00:36:39,364 --> 00:36:42,595
Oh, my God!
492
00:36:42,701 --> 00:36:45,363
Oh, no! I...
493
00:36:45,470 --> 00:36:48,530
What'll I do?
I can't live without him!
494
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,140
I- I-I...
495
00:36:54,946 --> 00:36:57,047
Mummy! Mum, where are you?
496
00:36:57,048 --> 00:36:59,846
Daddy?
Mummy?
497
00:36:59,951 --> 00:37:02,784
Mummy?
498
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:10,786
Yes?
499
00:38:11,456 --> 00:38:13,981
Is it about the hedge?
500
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:17,361
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but...
501
00:38:17,362 --> 00:38:19,697
I am the Grim Reaper.
502
00:38:19,698 --> 00:38:21,966
- Who?
- The Grim Reaper.
503
00:38:21,967 --> 00:38:26,131
- Yes, I see.
- I am Death.
504
00:38:26,237 --> 00:38:30,139
Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some
people from America for dinner tonight...
505
00:38:30,241 --> 00:38:32,676
- Who is it, darling?
- It's a Mr. Death or something.
506
00:38:32,677 --> 00:38:35,942
He's come about the reaping?
I don't think we need any at the moment.
507
00:38:36,047 --> 00:38:39,539
Hello. Don't leave him hanging around
outside, darling. Ask him in.
508
00:38:39,651 --> 00:38:42,151
- I don't think it's quite the moment.
- Do come in. Come along.
509
00:38:42,253 --> 00:38:45,222
Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
510
00:38:48,393 --> 00:38:51,157
It's one of the little men
from the village.
511
00:38:51,262 --> 00:38:54,231
Do come in.
Please.
512
00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:57,460
- This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia.
- Hi.
513
00:38:57,569 --> 00:39:00,470
- And his wife, Debbie.
- Hello there.
514
00:39:00,572 --> 00:39:04,064
And these are the Portland Smythes,
Jeremy and Fiona.
515
00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:07,372
- Good evening.
- This is Mr. Death.
516
00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:18,083
- Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
- Yes.
517
00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:20,689
Mr. Death is a reaper.
518
00:39:20,725 --> 00:39:23,853
The Grim Reaper.
519
00:39:23,962 --> 00:39:26,462
Hardly surprising in this weather.
520
00:39:28,767 --> 00:39:31,463
So you still reap around here,
do you, Mr. Death?
521
00:39:31,569 --> 00:39:36,768
I am the Grim Reaper.
522
00:39:36,875 --> 00:39:41,107
- That's about all he says.
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
- Do sit down.
523
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:44,511
We were just talking about some of
the awful problems facing the Third...
524
00:39:49,254 --> 00:39:53,350
Would you prefer white?
I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
525
00:39:53,458 --> 00:39:55,225
The Stilton's awfully good.
526
00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:58,457
I am not...
527
00:39:58,563 --> 00:40:01,896
of this world.
528
00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:06,403
Good Lord.
529
00:40:06,404 --> 00:40:09,237
I am Death.
530
00:40:13,278 --> 00:40:16,975
Well, isn't that extraordinary? We were just
talking about death only five minutes ago.
531
00:40:17,082 --> 00:40:20,813
Yes, we were. You know, whether
death is really the end...
532
00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:23,979
As my husband Howard here feels,
or whether there is...
533
00:40:24,089 --> 00:40:27,320
and one so hates to use words like
"soul" or "spirit"...
534
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:29,426
- What other words can one use?
- Exactly.
535
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:33,295
You do not understand.
536
00:40:34,532 --> 00:40:37,057
Ah, no.
Obviously not.
537
00:40:37,168 --> 00:40:40,069
- I'll tell you something, Mr. Death...
- You don't...
538
00:40:40,171 --> 00:40:42,671
I'd like to express
on behalf of everybody here...
539
00:40:42,774 --> 00:40:44,875
what a really unique
experience this is.
540
00:40:44,876 --> 00:40:48,073
- Hear, hear.
- Yes, we're so delighted that you dropped in.
541
00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:51,273
- Can I just finish, please?
- Mr. Death.
542
00:40:51,382 --> 00:40:54,215
Is there an afterlife?
543
00:40:54,319 --> 00:40:56,553
Dear, if you could just
wait, please...
544
00:40:56,554 --> 00:40:58,555
Are you sure you wouldn't like
some sherry or...
545
00:40:58,556 --> 00:41:01,719
- Angela, I'd like to say this, please.
- Be quiet!
546
00:41:01,826 --> 00:41:04,727
- Can I just say this at this time, please?
- Silence!
547
00:41:04,829 --> 00:41:07,662
I have come for you.
548
00:41:10,068 --> 00:41:12,069
You mean to...
549
00:41:12,070 --> 00:41:15,267
Take you away.
550
00:41:16,374 --> 00:41:19,366
That is my purpose.
551
00:41:21,179 --> 00:41:24,342
I am Death.
552
00:41:26,918 --> 00:41:30,046
Well, that's cast rather a gloom over
the evening, hasn't it?
553
00:41:30,155 --> 00:41:33,215
I don't see it that way, Geoff.
I think we're dealing with...
554
00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:36,225
a potentially positive learning
experience that can...
555
00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:39,228
Shut up!
Shut up, you American.
556
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:42,299
You always talk, you Americans.
557
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,960
You talk and you talk
and you say...
558
00:41:45,069 --> 00:41:50,666
"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this. "
559
00:41:50,775 --> 00:41:54,404
Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!
560
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,012
- Dead?
- Dead.
561
00:41:59,117 --> 00:42:02,348
- All of us?
- All of you.
562
00:42:04,389 --> 00:42:08,416
Now look here. You barge in here
quite uninvited, break glasses...
563
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,026
and then announce quite casually
that we're all dead.
564
00:42:11,062 --> 00:42:15,999
- Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...
- Be quiet!
565
00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:20,434
Englishmen! You're all
so fucking pompous!
566
00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:23,063
None of you
have got any balls.
567
00:42:24,409 --> 00:42:27,970
- Can I ask you a question?
- What?
568
00:42:28,079 --> 00:42:30,946
How can we all have died
at the same time?
569
00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:46,228
The salmon mousse.
570
00:42:47,498 --> 00:42:50,695
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
571
00:42:50,802 --> 00:42:54,465
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
572
00:42:54,572 --> 00:42:57,939
Now the time has come.
573
00:42:59,410 --> 00:43:03,744
Follow.
Follow me.
574
00:43:18,029 --> 00:43:20,896
Just testing.
Sorry.
575
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:26,437
Follow me.
Now.
576
00:43:32,710 --> 00:43:35,210
Come.
577
00:43:37,782 --> 00:43:40,444
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
578
00:43:40,551 --> 00:43:42,886
He's normally so reliable.
579
00:43:42,887 --> 00:43:45,617
- Can we take our glasses?
- Good idea.
580
00:43:48,893 --> 00:43:51,987
Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse.
581
00:43:57,168 --> 00:43:59,668
Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
582
00:43:59,737 --> 00:44:03,195
It really is embarrassing. I mean,
to serve salmon with botulism...
583
00:44:03,308 --> 00:44:05,309
at a dinner party is social death.
584
00:44:07,679 --> 00:44:10,307
- Shall we take our cars?
- Why not?
585
00:44:10,415 --> 00:44:13,441
- Good idea.
- Why not?
586
00:44:48,753 --> 00:44:52,211
Behold
Paradise.
587
00:44:54,025 --> 00:44:58,155
- I love it here, darling.
- Me, too, Marvin.
588
00:44:58,262 --> 00:45:01,390
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
589
00:45:10,308 --> 00:45:12,868
Excuse me. Could you just
sign here, please, sir?
590
00:45:12,977 --> 00:45:15,445
- Yes.
- Thank you.
591
00:45:15,446 --> 00:45:18,438
There's a table for you through there,
in the restaurant.
592
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:22,007
- For the ladies.
- Mmm! Afterlife mints.
593
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:24,287
- Thank you.
- Happy Christmas.
594
00:45:24,288 --> 00:45:26,984
- Oh, is it Christmas today?
- Of course, madam.
595
00:45:27,091 --> 00:45:29,126
It's Christmas every day
in heaven.
596
00:45:29,127 --> 00:45:32,096
- Oh! How 'bout that?
- Lovely.
597
00:46:17,108 --> 00:46:19,109
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
598
00:46:19,110 --> 00:46:23,513
It's truly a real honourable experience
to be here this evening,
599
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:26,174
a very wonderful and warm...
600
00:46:26,284 --> 00:46:29,276
and emotional moment
for all of us.
601
00:46:29,387 --> 00:46:31,521
And I'd like to sing a song...
602
00:46:31,522 --> 00:46:35,083
for all of you.
603
00:46:38,796 --> 00:46:44,359
* It's Christmas in heaven
All the children sing *
604
00:46:44,469 --> 00:46:46,470
* Ah, ah-ah-ah *
605
00:46:46,471 --> 00:46:49,304
* It's Christmas
in heaven *
606
00:46:49,407 --> 00:46:53,400
* Hark, hark, those
church bells ring *
607
00:46:53,511 --> 00:46:56,810
* It's Christmas in heaven *
608
00:46:56,914 --> 00:47:00,372
* The snow falls
from the sky *
609
00:47:00,485 --> 00:47:03,943
* But it's nice and warm
and everyone *
610
00:47:04,055 --> 00:47:07,354
* Looks smart
and wears a tie *
611
00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:16,732
* It's Christmas
in heaven *
612
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:20,099
* There's great films
on TV*
613
00:47:20,204 --> 00:47:24,004
* The Sound of Music
twice an hour *
614
00:47:24,108 --> 00:47:27,737
* And Jaws I, II and III *
615
00:47:27,845 --> 00:47:31,474
* There's gifts for all the family *
616
00:47:31,582 --> 00:47:35,143
* There's toiletries
and trains *
617
00:47:35,253 --> 00:47:38,780
* There's Sony Walkman
headphone sets *
618
00:47:38,890 --> 00:47:42,326
* And the latest video games *
619
00:47:42,426 --> 00:47:45,361
* It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven *
620
00:47:46,797 --> 00:47:49,232
* Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray *
621
00:47:49,233 --> 00:47:52,862
* Every single day *
622
00:47:52,970 --> 00:47:55,470
* Is Christmas Day *
623
00:47:57,108 --> 00:47:59,838
* It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven *
624
00:48:01,279 --> 00:48:03,839
* Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray *
625
00:48:03,948 --> 00:48:07,349
* Every single day
is Christ... *
626
00:48:11,789 --> 00:48:14,622
Well, that's the end of the film.
Now here's The Meaning of Life.
627
00:48:16,661 --> 00:48:19,161
Thank you, Brigitte.
628
00:48:20,097 --> 00:48:22,793
Ahem.
629
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:26,301
Well, it's nothing very special. "Try and
be nice to people. Avoid eating fat.
630
00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:28,838
"Read a good book every now and then.
Get some walking in...
631
00:48:28,839 --> 00:48:32,969
and try and live together in peace and harmony
with people of all creeds and nations. "
632
00:48:33,077 --> 00:48:35,978
And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises...
633
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:39,015
to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,
634
00:48:39,116 --> 00:48:42,347
which is the only way these days to
get the jaded video-sated public...
635
00:48:42,453 --> 00:48:45,013
off their fucking asses
and back in the sodding cinema.
636
00:48:45,122 --> 00:48:48,023
Family entertainment?
Bollocks. What they want is filth...
637
00:48:48,125 --> 00:48:51,185
people doing things to each other with
chain saws during Tupperware parties,
638
00:48:51,295 --> 00:48:54,662
baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,
639
00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:56,766
vigilante groups strangling chickens,
640
00:48:56,767 --> 00:48:59,429
armed bands of theatre critics
exterminating mutant goats.
641
00:48:59,537 --> 00:49:02,563
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
642
00:49:02,673 --> 00:49:05,173
Here's the theme music.
Good night.
643
00:49:18,322 --> 00:49:22,782
* Just remember that you're
standing on a planet *
644
00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:28,195
* That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour *
645
00:49:28,299 --> 00:49:32,099
* It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned *
646
00:49:32,203 --> 00:49:36,037
* A sun that is the source
of all our power *
647
00:49:36,140 --> 00:49:39,871
* The sun and you and me and all
the stars that we can see *
648
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:43,936
* Are moving at
a million miles a day *
649
00:49:44,048 --> 00:49:47,984
* In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour *
650
00:49:48,085 --> 00:49:50,883
* Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way *
651
00:49:59,997 --> 00:50:03,899
* Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars *
652
00:50:04,001 --> 00:50:07,903
* It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side *
653
00:50:08,005 --> 00:50:11,304
* It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick *
654
00:50:11,409 --> 00:50:15,812
* But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide *
655
00:50:15,913 --> 00:50:19,474
* We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point *
656
00:50:19,583 --> 00:50:23,576
* We go round every
200 million years *
657
00:50:23,688 --> 00:50:27,249
* And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions *
658
00:50:27,358 --> 00:50:30,521
* In this amazing
and expanding universe *
659
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:07,622
* The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding *
660
00:51:07,732 --> 00:51:11,463
* In all of the directions
it can whizz *
661
00:51:11,569 --> 00:51:15,369
* As fast as it can go at the
speed of light you know *
662
00:51:15,473 --> 00:51:19,000
* Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is *
663
00:51:19,110 --> 00:51:23,240
* So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure *
664
00:51:23,347 --> 00:51:27,306
* How amazingly unlikely
is your birth *
665
00:51:27,418 --> 00:51:30,854
* And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere out in space *
666
00:51:30,955 --> 00:51:33,788
* 'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth. *