1 00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,234 - Morning. - Morning. 2 00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:44,343 - Morning. - Morning. 3 00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:46,844 Morning. 4 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:53,576 - Morning. - Morning. 5 00:00:53,686 --> 00:00:56,186 - What's new? - Not much. 6 00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:04,094 - Morning! - Good morning! - Morning! 7 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,994 - Frank was just asking what's new. - Was he? 8 00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:12,603 Yes. Hmm. 9 00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:19,174 - Hey, look. Howard's being eaten. - Is he? 10 00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:28,887 - Makes you think, doesn't it? - Mmm. 11 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:32,949 - I mean, what's it all about? - Beats me. 12 00:01:33,059 --> 00:01:36,028 * Why are we here 13 00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:39,631 * What's life all about 14 00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:41,733 * Is God really real 15 00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:44,234 * Or is there some doubt 16 00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:50,839 * Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out 17 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:54,311 * For tonight it's The Meaning of Life 18 00:01:55,949 --> 00:02:00,852 * What's the point of all these hoax 19 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,548 * Is it the chicken and the egg time 20 00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:06,250 * Are we just yolks 21 00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:11,353 * Or perhaps we�re just one of God's little jokes 22 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:15,491 * Well, ca c'est le meaning of life 23 00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:19,703 * Is life just a game 24 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,306 * Where we make up the rules 25 00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:27,277 * While we're searching for something to say 26 00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:32,943 * Or are we just simply spiralling coils 27 00:02:33,052 --> 00:02:36,112 * Of self-replicating DNA 28 00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:38,722 * Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay 29 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:41,660 * What's life What is our fate 30 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:45,729 * Is there heaven and hell 31 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:48,633 * Do we reincarnate 32 00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:53,934 * Is mankind evolving or is it too late 33 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,134 * Well, tonight here's the meaning of life 34 00:02:57,243 --> 00:03:00,474 * For millions 35 00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:04,277 * This life is a sad vale of tears 36 00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:07,547 * Sitting round with really nothing to say 37 00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:11,922 * While scientists say 38 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:15,258 * We�re just simply spiralling coils 39 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,330 * Of self-replicating DNA 40 00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:20,931 * Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay 41 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,868 * So just why Why are we here 42 00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:26,972 * And just what 43 00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:29,473 * What, what, what do we fear 44 00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:33,205 * Well, ce soir for a change 45 00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:35,647 * It will all be made clear 46 00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:39,675 * For this is The Meaning of Life 47 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:41,787 * C'est la sens de la vivre * 48 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,322 * This is The Meaning of Life 49 00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:22,891 - One thousand and eight! - Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, Doctor. 50 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,726 - Good. Take her into the fetus-frightening room. - Right. 51 00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:39,372 Jolly good. It's, uh, a bit bare in here today, isn't it? 52 00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:43,381 - Yes. - Yes. More apparatus, please, Nurse. 53 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:47,579 - The EEG, the BP monitor and the AW. - Certainly, Doctor. 54 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:49,855 And get the machine that goes "ping!" 55 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,825 And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes. 56 00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,902 That's it. Bring it in. Bring it right here. Behind me. 57 00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:07,905 - Lovely, lovely. - Jolly good. That's better. 58 00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:12,103 - That's much, much better. - Yes, more like it. 59 00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:15,908 Uh, still something missing, though. 60 00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,515 Hmm? Hmm. 61 00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:22,854 - Patient. - Patient. Yes. 62 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,355 - Where's the patient? Patient! - Anyone seen the patient? 63 00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:29,317 - Ah! Here she is. - Bring it over here. 64 00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:32,557 - Mind the machines! - Sorry, Doctor. - Come along! 65 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,666 - Come along. - Jump on it. Hup! 66 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:38,398 - Hello. Now don't you worry. - We'll soon have you cured. 67 00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:41,234 Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you. 68 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:44,742 - Good-bye. Drips up. - Injections. 69 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,904 - Can I put the tube in the baby's head? - Only if I can do the episiotomy. 70 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,248 - Okay. Thank you. - Uh, legs up. 71 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:53,650 - Oh, come in. Come on in, all of you. - That's it. Jolly good. 72 00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:56,313 - Come on. - Come along. Spread round there. 73 00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,423 - Who are you? - I'm the husband. 74 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:02,588 I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. 75 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,963 - What do I do? - Yes? 76 00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:09,162 - What do I do? - Nothing, dear. You're not qualified. 77 00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:11,793 - Leave it to us. - What's that for? 78 00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:14,498 That's the machine that goes "ping!" 79 00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:19,670 You see? That means your baby is still alive. 80 00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:23,340 And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital. 81 00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:28,182 - Yes, it cost over 3/4 of a million pounds. - Aren't you lucky! 82 00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,881 The administrator is here, Doctor. 83 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:34,323 - Switch everything on. - Morning, gentlemen. 84 00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,461 - Morning. - Morning, gentlemen. Morning. 85 00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,463 - Morning, Mr. Pycroft. - Mr. Pycroft. 86 00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:40,465 Oh, very impressive. Very impressive. 87 00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:43,663 - And what are you doing this morning? - It's a birth. 88 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,837 Ah. And what sort of thing is that? 89 00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:51,242 Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. 90 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,412 Wonderful what we can do nowadays. 91 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,678 Ah! I see you have the machine that goes "ping!" 92 00:06:56,783 --> 00:07:00,549 This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, 93 00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:05,181 and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. 94 00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:14,160 Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on. 95 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,929 - Oh, the vulva's dilating, Doctor. - Oh, yes, there's the head. 96 00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:20,028 Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres. 97 00:07:20,139 --> 00:07:23,267 - Lights! - Amplify the ping machine. - Masks up! 98 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,209 - Suction! - Eyes down for a full house! 99 00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:28,812 Here it comes. 100 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:32,507 And frighten it. 101 00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:36,110 - Thank you. - And the rough towels! 102 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:40,421 Show it to the mother. That's enough. 103 00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:42,861 - Right. Sedate her. - Number the child. 104 00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:45,030 Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it. 105 00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:47,399 Okay, show's over. 106 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,699 Is it a boy or a girl? 107 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:54,762 I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? 108 00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:57,775 Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time... 109 00:07:57,877 --> 00:08:02,143 a totally irrational feeling of depression, P.N.D., as we doctors call it. 110 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:04,649 So, it's lots of happy pills for you, 111 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:07,244 and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. 112 00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:11,050 It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8. 113 00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:36,142 Oh, bloody hell. 114 00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:46,990 - Oh, get it, would you, Deidre? - All right, Mum. 115 00:08:56,802 --> 00:09:00,101 - Now whose teatime is it? - Mine! 116 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,274 Shh! Come on. Out you go. 117 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,971 Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, 118 00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:08,137 Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, 119 00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:11,546 Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha, it's your bedtime. 120 00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:14,677 - Aww! - Now don't argue! 121 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:17,654 Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and... 122 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:22,217 Wait. I've got something to tell the whole family. 123 00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,828 Oh, quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon. 124 00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:30,068 The mill's closed. There's no more work. 125 00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:33,696 We're destitute. 126 00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:36,798 Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all... 127 00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,910 for scientific experiments. 128 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:41,179 Oh! 129 00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,705 No, no, that's the way it is, my loves. 130 00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:47,013 Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. 131 00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:50,179 Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. 132 00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:54,089 They've preserved the might and majesty, even mystery of the Church of Rome, 133 00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:58,721 and the sanctity of the sacrament, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, 134 00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:02,767 but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, 135 00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,368 we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. 136 00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:09,430 Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary? 137 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:13,740 Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest-growing religion in the world, my boy. 138 00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:17,873 - Mmm, he's right. - You see, we believe... 139 00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:20,018 * Let me put it like this. * 140 00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:22,579 * There are Jews in the world * 141 00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,689 * There are Buddhists * 142 00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:29,093 * There are Hindus and Mormons and then * 143 00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:32,631 * There are those that follow Mohammed * 144 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:37,294 * But I've never been one of them * 145 00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:43,265 * I'm a Roman Catholic * 146 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:46,937 * And have been since before I was born * 147 00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:50,140 * And the one thing they say about Catholics * 148 00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:54,276 * Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm * 149 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:57,879 * You don't have to be a six-footer * 150 00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:01,448 * You don't have to have a great brain * 151 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:05,155 * You don't have to have any clothes on * 152 00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:09,496 * You're a Catholic the moment Dad came * 153 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:12,469 * Because * 154 00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:17,304 * Every sperm is sacred * 155 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:22,074 * Every sperm is great * 156 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:26,447 * If a sperm is wasted * 157 00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:29,885 * God gets quite irate * 158 00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:35,322 * Every sperm is sacred * 159 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:39,330 * Every sperm is great * 160 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:44,199 * If a sperm is wasted * 161 00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:48,603 * God gets quite irate * 162 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:52,838 * Let the heathens spill theirs * 163 00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:57,314 * On the dusty ground * 164 00:11:57,416 --> 00:12:00,510 * God shall make them pay * 165 00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:05,488 * For each sperm that can't be found * 166 00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:10,119 * Every sperm is wanted * 167 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:14,222 * Every sperm is good * 168 00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:19,066 * Every sperm is needed * 169 00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:23,198 * In your neighbourhood * 170 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:26,710 * Hindu, Taoist, Mormon * 171 00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:30,714 * Spill theirs just anywhere * 172 00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:34,479 * But God loves those who treat * 173 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:38,921 * Their semen with more care * 174 00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:43,358 * Every sperm is sacred * 175 00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:46,727 * Every sperm is great * 176 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:50,859 * If a sperm is wasted * 177 00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:54,770 * God gets quite irate * 178 00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:58,776 * Every sperm is sacred * 179 00:12:58,878 --> 00:13:02,837 * Every sperm is good * * Every sperm is good * 180 00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:06,543 * Every sperm is needed * 181 00:13:06,652 --> 00:13:10,588 * In your neighbourhood * 182 00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:14,386 * Every sperm is useful * 183 00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:18,259 * Every sperm is fine * 184 00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:21,925 * God needs everybody's * 185 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:25,492 * - Mine * * - And mine * * - And mine * 186 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:44,214 * Let the pagans spill theirs * 187 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:48,316 * O'er mountain hill and plain * 188 00:13:48,427 --> 00:13:51,294 * God shall strike them down * 189 00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:56,232 * For each sperm that's spilt in vain * 190 00:13:56,335 --> 00:14:00,101 * Every sperm is sacred * 191 00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:04,074 * Every sperm is good * 192 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:07,907 * Every sperm is needed * 193 00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:11,449 * In your neighbourhood * 194 00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:15,145 * Every sperm is sacred * 195 00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:18,985 * Every sperm is great * 196 00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:22,618 * If a sperm is wasted * 197 00:14:22,728 --> 00:14:24,729 * God gets * 198 00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:30,532 * Quite irate ** 199 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:38,742 So you see my problem, little ones. 200 00:14:38,744 --> 00:14:40,879 I can't keep you all here any longer. 201 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,881 Speak up! 202 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,510 I can't keep you all here any longer! 203 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:50,055 God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you anymore. 204 00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:52,817 Couldn't you have your balls cut off? 205 00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:56,486 It's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all. 206 00:14:56,595 --> 00:15:01,828 He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him. 207 00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:06,462 You could have had them pulled off in an accident. 208 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:10,668 No. Children, I know you're trying to help, but believe me, me mind's made up. 209 00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:13,711 I've given this long and careful thought, 210 00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:16,382 and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you. 211 00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,882 Ohh. 212 00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:24,382 * Every sperm is sacred 213 00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:28,950 * Every sperm is great 214 00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,593 Look at them. Bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up... 215 00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:37,226 with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed. 216 00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:42,069 - What are we, dear? - Protestant, and fiercely proud of it. 217 00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,904 Well, why do they have so many children? 218 00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:49,037 Because every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby. 219 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:52,242 - But it's the same with us, Harry. - What do you mean? 220 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:54,619 Well, I mean we've got two children, 221 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,120 and we've had sexual intercourse twice. 222 00:15:57,222 --> 00:16:00,521 That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted. 223 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,794 - Really? - Oh, yes. And what's more, 224 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:07,198 because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions. 225 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,334 What, you mean lock the door? 226 00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:13,294 No, no. I mean because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, 227 00:16:13,405 --> 00:16:17,637 which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-16th century, 228 00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:20,940 we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue. 229 00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:24,914 - What do you mean? - I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you... 230 00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:28,817 - Oh, yes, Harry. - ... and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fellow, 231 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:32,482 I could ensure that when I came off, you would not be impregnated. 232 00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:36,118 That's what being a Protestant's all about. 233 00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:39,288 That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone... 234 00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:42,299 who respects the individual and the individual's right... 235 00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:44,736 to decide for him or herself. 236 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:49,174 When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, 237 00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:52,300 he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing, 238 00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:55,437 but 400 years later, thanks to him, my dear, 239 00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:58,311 I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. 240 00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:02,444 And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh, no! 241 00:17:02,554 --> 00:17:05,250 - I can wear French Ticklers if I want. - You what? 242 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:08,485 French Ticklers, Black Mambos, Crocodile Ribs. 243 00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:11,324 Sheaths that are designed not only to protect... 244 00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:14,831 but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress. 245 00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:17,834 - Have you got one? - Have I got one? Well, no, 246 00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:20,837 but I can go down the road anytime I want and walk into Harry's... 247 00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:24,136 and hold my head up high and say, in a loud, steady voice... 248 00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:26,803 "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. 249 00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:30,780 "In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant. " 250 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,511 - Well, why don't you? - But they... They cannot... 251 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:36,611 because their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages... 252 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:40,180 and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy. 253 00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:42,293 But despite the attempts of Protestants... 254 00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:44,912 to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, 255 00:17:44,947 --> 00:17:47,530 children continue to multiply everywhere. 256 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:54,667 The Adventures of Martin Luther. 257 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:08,779 An exciting and controversial examination... 258 00:18:08,886 --> 00:18:11,386 of the Protestant reformer whose reassessment of the role... 259 00:18:11,422 --> 00:18:13,156 of the individual in Christian belief... 260 00:18:13,157 --> 00:18:15,853 shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany... 261 00:18:15,959 --> 00:18:18,459 in the grip of the 16th century. 262 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:26,628 It was a day much like any other in the quiet town of Wittenberg. 263 00:18:26,737 --> 00:18:29,237 Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal... 264 00:18:29,306 --> 00:18:31,806 when the full force of the Reformation struck. 265 00:18:32,476 --> 00:18:34,844 Mamie! Martin Luther's out! 266 00:18:34,845 --> 00:18:37,345 Oh, Martin Luther. 267 00:18:44,021 --> 00:18:46,155 Did you get the suet, Hymie? 268 00:18:46,156 --> 00:18:48,491 Oy vey! The suet I clean forgot. 269 00:18:48,492 --> 00:18:50,093 The suet? You forgot? 270 00:18:50,094 --> 00:18:52,927 The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat, the dripping, the bull grease... 271 00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:54,997 I'll remember, but the suet, oy vey. 272 00:18:54,998 --> 00:18:57,498 So, what do you keep up here? Adipose tissue? 273 00:18:58,268 --> 00:19:02,034 - Look out. Here he comes. - Girls, your father forgot the suet! 274 00:19:03,340 --> 00:19:05,775 - Hello, Martin. - Where's the john? 275 00:19:05,776 --> 00:19:09,337 - We don't have one. - No john? What do you do? 276 00:19:09,446 --> 00:19:12,506 - We eat fat. - That stops you going to the john? 277 00:19:12,616 --> 00:19:15,414 - It's a theory. - Yeah, but does it work? 278 00:19:15,519 --> 00:19:18,019 - We ain't got no john. - Yeah, but you need to go. 279 00:19:18,122 --> 00:19:20,622 You know how it is with theories. Some days they're fine... 280 00:19:20,691 --> 00:19:22,225 maybe one, two, three days. 281 00:19:22,226 --> 00:19:24,751 Then just when it looks like you're ready for the publish... 282 00:19:24,862 --> 00:19:26,396 you need a new kitchen floor. 283 00:19:26,397 --> 00:19:28,897 You should be so lucky. 284 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,467 Do you need any cleaning inside? 285 00:19:31,468 --> 00:19:33,569 Not today. It's all going fine. 286 00:19:33,570 --> 00:19:36,300 How's about showing me the cutlery? 287 00:19:36,407 --> 00:19:38,374 I got a woman and children in there. 288 00:19:38,375 --> 00:19:41,572 So, there's no problem. I'll just look at a few spoons. 289 00:19:41,678 --> 00:19:44,408 I got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean? 290 00:19:44,515 --> 00:19:46,516 Honest, I don't look at your girls. 291 00:19:46,517 --> 00:19:48,918 I don't think about them. There. 292 00:19:48,919 --> 00:19:51,615 I'll put them out of my mind... their arms, their necks... 293 00:19:51,722 --> 00:19:55,317 their little legs and bosoms I'll wipe from my mind. 294 00:19:56,226 --> 00:19:58,060 You just want to see the spoons? 295 00:19:58,061 --> 00:20:00,561 My life. That's what I want to see. 296 00:20:02,933 --> 00:20:05,493 - I know I'm gonna regret this. - No, listen. 297 00:20:05,602 --> 00:20:07,703 Cutlery's really my thing now. 298 00:20:07,704 --> 00:20:11,003 Girls with round breasts is over for me. 299 00:20:11,108 --> 00:20:13,242 What am I doing? I know what's going to happen. 300 00:20:13,243 --> 00:20:15,743 I'll crouch behind you. 301 00:20:18,615 --> 00:20:21,115 Mamie, guess who's come to see us? 302 00:20:21,118 --> 00:20:25,612 Hymie, are you out of your mind already? You know how old your daughters are. 303 00:20:25,722 --> 00:20:27,457 He only wants to see the spoons. 304 00:20:27,458 --> 00:20:30,018 What do you have to bring him into my house for? 305 00:20:30,127 --> 00:20:31,894 He doesn't think about girls anymore. 306 00:20:31,895 --> 00:20:35,490 Mrs. Meyer, as far as girls is concerned... 307 00:20:35,599 --> 00:20:37,433 I shot my wad. 308 00:20:37,434 --> 00:20:40,767 - You shot your wad? - Definitely. 309 00:20:40,871 --> 00:20:43,999 - Which spoons do you want to view? - I guess the soup spoons. 310 00:20:44,107 --> 00:20:45,908 Now, they're good spoons. 311 00:20:45,909 --> 00:20:48,673 - You got them arranged? - No, but I can arrange them for you. 312 00:20:48,779 --> 00:20:50,913 Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer. 313 00:20:50,914 --> 00:20:53,644 It's no bother. I want for you to see these spoons... 314 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:56,052 like I would want to see them myself. 315 00:20:56,053 --> 00:20:58,421 You're too kind, Mrs. Meyer. 316 00:20:58,422 --> 00:21:00,490 You could get your daughters to show me them. 317 00:21:00,491 --> 00:21:02,725 Hymie, get him out of here! 318 00:21:02,726 --> 00:21:05,957 Mamie, he only said for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons. 319 00:21:06,063 --> 00:21:08,563 You think I'm running some kind of bordello here? 320 00:21:08,599 --> 00:21:11,363 Mrs. Meyer, how can you say such a thing? 321 00:21:11,468 --> 00:21:14,369 Listen, Martin Luther. I know what you want to do with my girls. 322 00:21:14,471 --> 00:21:15,805 Show me the spoons. 323 00:21:15,806 --> 00:21:17,673 You want them to pull up their skirts... 324 00:21:17,674 --> 00:21:20,142 and then lean over a chair with their legs apart! 325 00:21:20,143 --> 00:21:22,111 - Mamie, don't get excited. - I'm getting excited? 326 00:21:22,112 --> 00:21:25,980 - It's him that's getting excited! - My mind is on the spoons. 327 00:21:26,083 --> 00:21:28,813 But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs. 328 00:21:28,919 --> 00:21:32,320 - I gotta go to the bathroom. - I'm a married woman! 329 00:21:32,422 --> 00:21:34,257 Just show him the spoons. 330 00:21:34,258 --> 00:21:37,056 And you don't want to put nothing up me? 331 00:21:37,995 --> 00:21:42,091 Mrs. Meyer, you read my mind. 332 00:21:42,199 --> 00:21:44,699 Yes, another convert for the Protestants. 333 00:21:44,801 --> 00:21:48,430 But despite Luther's efforts to promote the idea of sex for pleasure... 334 00:21:48,539 --> 00:21:51,039 children multiplied everywhere. 335 00:21:58,582 --> 00:22:03,986 "And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. 336 00:22:04,087 --> 00:22:07,682 "And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead... 337 00:22:07,791 --> 00:22:10,126 "in Kadesh Bilgemath... 338 00:22:10,127 --> 00:22:12,295 "by Shor Ethra Regalion... 339 00:22:12,296 --> 00:22:16,630 "to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, 340 00:22:16,733 --> 00:22:19,429 "he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar... 341 00:22:19,536 --> 00:22:22,972 "and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon... 342 00:22:23,073 --> 00:22:26,008 "and there, slew they the goats, 343 00:22:26,109 --> 00:22:31,570 yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. " 344 00:22:32,849 --> 00:22:34,984 Here endeth the lesson. 345 00:22:34,985 --> 00:22:37,485 Let us praise God. 346 00:22:43,493 --> 00:22:46,428 - O Lord. - O Lord. 347 00:22:46,530 --> 00:22:49,030 Ooh, You are so big. 348 00:22:50,133 --> 00:22:52,633 Ooh, You are so big. 349 00:22:53,887 --> 00:22:58,949 So absolutely huge. 350 00:22:59,059 --> 00:23:04,156 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You. 351 00:23:04,264 --> 00:23:09,258 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You. 352 00:23:09,369 --> 00:23:13,931 Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying. 353 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,009 And barefaced flattery. 354 00:23:17,110 --> 00:23:19,378 But You're so strong... 355 00:23:19,379 --> 00:23:23,145 and, well, just so super. 356 00:23:23,249 --> 00:23:25,749 Fantastic. 357 00:23:25,785 --> 00:23:28,120 - Amen, reverend. - Amen. 358 00:23:28,121 --> 00:23:31,522 Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil... 359 00:23:31,624 --> 00:23:34,354 into the school cormorant. 360 00:23:34,461 --> 00:23:38,989 Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part... 361 00:23:39,099 --> 00:23:41,333 in the life of the school, but I would remind you... 362 00:23:41,334 --> 00:23:45,498 that it was presented to us by the corporation of the town of Sudbury... 363 00:23:45,605 --> 00:23:48,335 to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember... 364 00:23:48,441 --> 00:23:51,137 the names of all those from the Sudbury area... 365 00:23:51,244 --> 00:23:54,179 who so gallantly gave their lives... 366 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,780 to keep China British. 367 00:23:56,783 --> 00:24:01,220 So from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! 368 00:24:03,790 --> 00:24:06,025 Oh, and, Jenkins, 369 00:24:06,026 --> 00:24:08,756 apparently, your mother died this morning. 370 00:24:08,862 --> 00:24:11,362 Chaplain. 371 00:24:14,034 --> 00:24:17,868 * O Lord, please don't burn us * 372 00:24:17,971 --> 00:24:22,032 * Don't grill or toast Your flock * 373 00:24:22,142 --> 00:24:26,340 * Don't put us on the barbecue * 374 00:24:26,446 --> 00:24:30,883 * Or simmer us in stock * 375 00:24:30,984 --> 00:24:34,750 * Don't braise or bake or boil us * 376 00:24:34,854 --> 00:24:38,847 * Or stir-fry us in a wok * 377 00:24:40,393 --> 00:24:44,264 * Oh, please don't lightly poach us * 378 00:24:44,299 --> 00:24:47,495 * Or baste us with hot fat * 379 00:24:48,968 --> 00:24:52,927 * Don't fricassee or roast us 380 00:24:53,039 --> 00:24:57,408 * Or boil us in a vat 381 00:24:57,510 --> 00:25:01,913 * And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord 382 00:25:02,015 --> 00:25:05,781 * In a Rotissomat 383 00:25:12,058 --> 00:25:16,188 He's coming! 384 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,500 All right, settle down, settle down. 385 00:25:25,038 --> 00:25:27,802 Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you... 386 00:25:27,907 --> 00:25:30,671 who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down... 387 00:25:30,777 --> 00:25:35,146 onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, 388 00:25:35,248 --> 00:25:37,808 if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother... 389 00:25:37,917 --> 00:25:40,784 who's going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, 390 00:25:40,887 --> 00:25:44,482 collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after your haircut... 391 00:25:44,591 --> 00:25:47,754 and make sure he moves your clothes onto the lower peg for you. 392 00:25:47,861 --> 00:25:50,295 - Now... - Sir? 393 00:25:50,296 --> 00:25:52,598 - Yes, Wymer? - My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, 394 00:25:52,599 --> 00:25:55,659 but I'm not having my hair cut today, so do I move my clothes... 395 00:25:55,768 --> 00:25:58,498 I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. 396 00:25:58,605 --> 00:26:03,042 If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes. 397 00:26:03,143 --> 00:26:07,807 You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your Scripture prep, 398 00:26:07,914 --> 00:26:12,647 when you've written your letter home before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, 399 00:26:12,752 --> 00:26:16,620 greet the visitors and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. 400 00:26:18,424 --> 00:26:20,924 Now, sex. 401 00:26:22,762 --> 00:26:26,198 Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? 402 00:26:29,469 --> 00:26:31,994 Well, had I got as far as... 403 00:26:32,105 --> 00:26:35,802 the penis entering the vagina? 404 00:26:39,112 --> 00:26:41,446 - N-N-No, sir. - No, sir. No, sir. 405 00:26:41,447 --> 00:26:44,314 Well, had I done foreplay? 406 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,848 - Yes, sir. - Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, 407 00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:56,224 no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. 408 00:26:57,497 --> 00:27:00,796 Biggs. 409 00:27:03,002 --> 00:27:05,103 Don't know. Sorry, sir. 410 00:27:05,104 --> 00:27:10,906 - Carter? - Oh. Was it taking your clothes off, sir? 411 00:27:12,545 --> 00:27:14,680 Well, a-and after that? 412 00:27:14,681 --> 00:27:17,181 Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir. 413 00:27:19,319 --> 00:27:23,756 The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate... 414 00:27:23,856 --> 00:27:27,553 so that the penis can penetrate more easily. 415 00:27:27,660 --> 00:27:29,795 Could we have a window open, please, sir? 416 00:27:29,796 --> 00:27:34,028 Yes. Harris, will you? And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect... 417 00:27:34,133 --> 00:27:38,536 and har... den. 418 00:27:38,638 --> 00:27:42,870 Now, did I do vaginal juices last week? 419 00:27:42,976 --> 00:27:47,106 Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday. Oh, watching the football, are you? 420 00:27:47,213 --> 00:27:50,444 Boy, move over there. I'm warning you. 421 00:27:50,550 --> 00:27:53,246 I may decide to set an exam this term. 422 00:27:53,353 --> 00:27:55,487 - Oh, sir! - Sir! 423 00:27:55,488 --> 00:27:57,988 So just listen. 424 00:27:59,726 --> 00:28:02,957 Now did I or did I not... 425 00:28:03,062 --> 00:28:06,122 do vaginal juices? 426 00:28:06,232 --> 00:28:08,333 Yes, sir. 427 00:28:08,334 --> 00:28:12,464 Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. 428 00:28:12,572 --> 00:28:15,072 Rubbing the clitoris, sir? 429 00:28:18,945 --> 00:28:22,073 What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? 430 00:28:22,181 --> 00:28:25,309 Why not start her off with a nice kiss? 431 00:28:25,418 --> 00:28:29,149 You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. 432 00:28:29,255 --> 00:28:31,623 Give her a kiss, boy. 433 00:28:31,624 --> 00:28:35,685 - Suck the nipple, sir? - Good, good. Well done, Wymer. 434 00:28:35,795 --> 00:28:38,457 - Uh, stroking the thighs, sir? - Yes, yes. 435 00:28:38,564 --> 00:28:40,565 - I suppose so. - Biting the neck. 436 00:28:40,566 --> 00:28:42,601 Yes, good. Nibbling the earlobe, 437 00:28:42,602 --> 00:28:45,264 uh, kneading the buttocks and so on and so forth. 438 00:28:45,371 --> 00:28:47,706 So we have all these possibilities... 439 00:28:47,707 --> 00:28:51,871 before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson. 440 00:28:51,978 --> 00:28:54,212 Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. 441 00:28:54,213 --> 00:28:57,478 Now, all these forms of stimulation... 442 00:28:57,583 --> 00:29:00,083 can now take place. 443 00:29:08,961 --> 00:29:11,486 And, of course, tonguing will give you the best idea... 444 00:29:11,597 --> 00:29:15,226 of how the juices are coming along. 445 00:29:15,335 --> 00:29:18,532 Helen? Now, penetration and coitus... 446 00:29:18,638 --> 00:29:22,369 that is to say intercourse up to and including orgasm. 447 00:29:24,477 --> 00:29:29,141 Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter. 448 00:29:29,248 --> 00:29:32,376 - Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry. - Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. 449 00:29:32,485 --> 00:29:35,010 I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight. 450 00:29:35,121 --> 00:29:38,887 Yes, well, I suppose we must. I said we'd be there by 8:00. 451 00:29:38,991 --> 00:29:41,687 At least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting. 452 00:29:41,794 --> 00:29:47,232 - I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse. - It's just that I felt... 453 00:29:47,333 --> 00:29:50,860 Wymer! This is for your benefit. 454 00:29:50,970 --> 00:29:53,171 Would you kindly wake up? 455 00:29:53,172 --> 00:29:55,732 I've no intention of going through this all again. 456 00:30:06,652 --> 00:30:11,282 - Ah. We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear. - No, of course not, Humphrey. 457 00:30:11,391 --> 00:30:15,851 So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife... 458 00:30:15,962 --> 00:30:17,963 in the standard way. 459 00:30:17,964 --> 00:30:23,095 Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe, more or less fully erect. 460 00:30:23,202 --> 00:30:25,670 There we are. Ah, that's better. 461 00:30:25,671 --> 00:30:27,906 Now... Carter. 462 00:30:27,907 --> 00:30:30,407 - Yes, sir? - What is it? 463 00:30:31,911 --> 00:30:35,779 - It's an ocarina, sir. - Bring it up here. 464 00:30:35,882 --> 00:30:40,046 The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area, 465 00:30:40,153 --> 00:30:42,815 moving the penis up and down inside the vagina... 466 00:30:42,922 --> 00:30:46,949 Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table. 467 00:30:47,059 --> 00:30:50,756 ...while the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis... 468 00:30:50,863 --> 00:30:52,998 by pushing forward. 469 00:30:52,999 --> 00:30:56,560 Thank you, dear. Now, as the sexual excitement mounts... 470 00:30:56,669 --> 00:30:59,763 What's funny, Biggs? 471 00:30:59,872 --> 00:31:03,137 - Oh, nothing, sir. - Do, please, share your little joke with the rest of us. 472 00:31:03,242 --> 00:31:07,269 - I mean, obviously, something frightfully funny's going on. - No, honestly, sir. 473 00:31:07,380 --> 00:31:12,079 Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play for the boys' team... 474 00:31:12,185 --> 00:31:14,586 in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon. 475 00:31:14,587 --> 00:31:17,087 Oh, no, sir! 476 00:31:26,599 --> 00:31:29,500 Come on, Buster! 477 00:31:34,907 --> 00:31:39,708 Well played, well played. 478 00:33:13,372 --> 00:33:16,535 Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank. 479 00:33:16,642 --> 00:33:19,577 - Hordern, Spadger and I will go for the gun post. - Hang on, 68. 480 00:33:19,679 --> 00:33:22,648 - You'll never make it, sir. Let us come with you. - Do as you're told, man. 481 00:33:22,748 --> 00:33:25,376 Righto, Skipper. Oh, sir, sir? 482 00:33:25,484 --> 00:33:28,419 I- If we don't meet again, sir, 483 00:33:28,521 --> 00:33:32,787 I'd just like to say it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir. 484 00:33:32,892 --> 00:33:36,487 Yes, well, this is hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech, eh? 485 00:33:36,596 --> 00:33:41,295 Me and the lads realize that, sir, but, well, we may never meet again, so... 486 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,460 - Yes, all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot. - No, just a moment, sir. 487 00:33:44,570 --> 00:33:47,630 Me and the lads, we've had a little whip-around, sir. 488 00:33:47,740 --> 00:33:51,073 We've bought you something, sir. We bought you this. 489 00:33:52,545 --> 00:33:55,343 Oh! Well, it... I don't know what to say. 490 00:33:55,448 --> 00:34:00,317 It's... It's a lovely thought. Thank you. Thank you all. 491 00:34:00,419 --> 00:34:03,752 But I think we'd better get to cover... 492 00:34:03,856 --> 00:34:08,156 We've got something else for you as well, sir. 493 00:34:08,260 --> 00:34:11,127 Sorry it's another clock, sir, only there was a bit of a mix-up. 494 00:34:11,230 --> 00:34:16,133 Walters thought he was buyin' a present, and Spadger and I had already got the other one. 495 00:34:16,235 --> 00:34:18,965 Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful. 496 00:34:21,240 --> 00:34:24,641 I think we'd better get to cover now. I'll thank you properly later on. 497 00:34:24,744 --> 00:34:28,840 Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well, sir. He didn't know about the others. 498 00:34:28,948 --> 00:34:32,213 - It's Swiss. - Well, now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. 499 00:34:32,318 --> 00:34:34,786 - Good man. - There's a card, sir. 500 00:34:34,787 --> 00:34:38,518 From all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir. 501 00:34:38,624 --> 00:34:42,219 - Thank you all. - Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs. 502 00:34:42,328 --> 00:34:46,331 Hip, hip. Hooray! 503 00:34:46,332 --> 00:34:49,199 - Hip, hip... - Blackitt! Blackitt! 504 00:34:49,301 --> 00:34:52,566 I'll be all right, sir. There's just one other thing, sir. 505 00:34:52,672 --> 00:34:55,334 - Spadger, give him the check. - Oh, yeah. 506 00:34:55,441 --> 00:34:57,609 This is really going too far. 507 00:34:57,610 --> 00:35:00,579 I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. Uh, be in number four trench. 508 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:03,180 For Christ's sake, forget it, man. 509 00:35:04,116 --> 00:35:06,616 You shouldn't have said that, sir. 510 00:35:07,820 --> 00:35:11,312 - You've hurt his feelings. - Don't mind me, Spadge. 511 00:35:11,424 --> 00:35:15,827 Toffs is all the same. One minute, it's all please and thank you. 512 00:35:15,928 --> 00:35:18,863 - The next, they'll kick you in the teeth. - Yeah. 513 00:35:18,964 --> 00:35:21,990 - Let's not give him the cake. - I don't want any cake. 514 00:35:22,101 --> 00:35:25,264 Look. Blackitt cooked it especially for you, you bastard. 515 00:35:25,371 --> 00:35:27,372 He saved his rations for six weeks, sir. 516 00:35:27,373 --> 00:35:29,933 - I don't mean to be ungrateful. - I'll be all right... 517 00:35:30,042 --> 00:35:33,603 Blackie! Blackie! 518 00:35:33,713 --> 00:35:37,581 Look at him! He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. 519 00:35:37,683 --> 00:35:40,743 Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move, but Blackitt'd be out there, 520 00:35:40,853 --> 00:35:43,583 slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and almonds. 521 00:35:43,689 --> 00:35:48,092 I mean, you try getting butter to melt at 15 degrees below zero. 522 00:35:48,194 --> 00:35:53,063 There's love in that cake... this man's love... and this man's care and... 523 00:35:55,201 --> 00:35:58,534 - Oh, my Christ! - You bastard. 524 00:36:00,139 --> 00:36:03,768 All right, we will eat the cake. They're right. 525 00:36:03,876 --> 00:36:06,376 It's too good a cake not to eat. 526 00:36:06,378 --> 00:36:08,938 - Get the plates and knives, Walters. - Yes, sir. How many plates? 527 00:36:09,048 --> 00:36:11,881 Six. 528 00:36:11,984 --> 00:36:14,782 - Oh. Better make it five. - Tablecloth, sir? 529 00:36:14,887 --> 00:36:17,387 Yes, get the tablecloth. 530 00:36:17,423 --> 00:36:20,586 No, no, I'll get the tablecloth. 531 00:36:20,693 --> 00:36:22,694 You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern. 532 00:36:22,695 --> 00:36:25,195 And the little lamp, sir? 533 00:36:25,664 --> 00:36:28,258 Yes. Oh, and while you're at it, you'd better get a doily. 534 00:36:28,367 --> 00:36:31,359 - I'll bring two, sir, in case one gets crumpled. - Okay! 535 00:36:35,941 --> 00:36:39,172 But, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that. 536 00:36:39,278 --> 00:36:41,412 It's all very well to laugh at the military, 537 00:36:41,413 --> 00:36:43,414 but when one considers the meaning of life, 538 00:36:43,415 --> 00:36:47,010 it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. 539 00:36:47,119 --> 00:36:49,781 Without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint... 540 00:36:49,889 --> 00:36:52,290 against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies, 541 00:36:52,291 --> 00:36:56,250 then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear. 542 00:36:56,362 --> 00:36:59,661 That is why we'll always need an army. 543 00:36:59,765 --> 00:37:02,265 May God strike me down were it to be otherwise. 544 00:37:06,939 --> 00:37:09,073 Don't stand there gawping... 545 00:37:09,074 --> 00:37:11,872 like you've never seen the hand of God before! 546 00:37:11,977 --> 00:37:16,471 Now, today we're going to do marching up and down the square. 547 00:37:16,582 --> 00:37:20,951 That is, unless any of you got anything better to do. 548 00:37:21,053 --> 00:37:23,421 Well? 549 00:37:23,422 --> 00:37:25,623 Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing... 550 00:37:25,624 --> 00:37:29,754 than marchin' up and down the square? 551 00:37:31,544 --> 00:37:34,044 Yes! Atkinson. 552 00:37:36,082 --> 00:37:41,281 What would you rather be doing, Atkinson? 553 00:37:41,387 --> 00:37:45,050 Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be home with the wife and kids. 554 00:37:46,859 --> 00:37:49,027 Would you now? 555 00:37:49,028 --> 00:37:51,826 - Yes, Sarge. - Right. Off you go. 556 00:37:51,931 --> 00:37:54,456 Now... 557 00:37:54,567 --> 00:37:57,297 everybody else happy with my little plan... 558 00:37:57,403 --> 00:37:59,963 of marching up and down the square a bit? 559 00:38:00,072 --> 00:38:02,073 - Sarge? - Yes? 560 00:38:02,074 --> 00:38:04,770 - I've got a book I'd quite like to read. - Go read your book then. 561 00:38:04,877 --> 00:38:07,045 Now! 562 00:38:07,046 --> 00:38:11,346 Everybody else quite content to join in... 563 00:38:11,450 --> 00:38:13,718 with my little scheme... 564 00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:17,587 of marchin' up and down the square? 565 00:38:17,690 --> 00:38:19,691 Sarge? 566 00:38:19,692 --> 00:38:21,793 Yes, Wyclif, what is it? 567 00:38:21,794 --> 00:38:25,457 Well, I'm, uh, learning the piano. 568 00:38:25,564 --> 00:38:27,632 Learning the piano? 569 00:38:27,633 --> 00:38:30,133 - Yes, Sarge. - And I suppose... 570 00:38:30,202 --> 00:38:33,000 you want to go practice, eh? 571 00:38:33,105 --> 00:38:37,098 Marchin' up and down the square not good enough for you, eh? 572 00:38:37,209 --> 00:38:39,709 - Well... - Right! Off you go! 573 00:38:39,779 --> 00:38:42,509 Now, what about the rest of you? 574 00:38:44,116 --> 00:38:47,677 Rather be at the pictures, I suppose. 575 00:38:50,423 --> 00:38:52,791 All right! Off you go! 576 00:38:56,328 --> 00:38:58,329 Bloody army. I don't know what it's coming to. 577 00:38:58,330 --> 00:39:00,830 Right. Sergeant Major marching up and down the square. 578 00:39:00,833 --> 00:39:03,301 Left, right, left. 579 00:39:03,302 --> 00:39:07,068 Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British Army. 580 00:39:07,173 --> 00:39:09,307 - Rubbish! - Shh! 581 00:39:09,308 --> 00:39:12,300 ...And have stamped its triumph in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire. 582 00:39:13,580 --> 00:39:16,743 It is worth reminding ourselves that without war... 583 00:39:16,849 --> 00:39:19,409 there would have been little or no development... 584 00:39:19,519 --> 00:39:21,820 of small, pre-packed cheeses... 585 00:39:21,821 --> 00:39:24,790 no great leap forward in the building trade... 586 00:39:24,891 --> 00:39:28,827 no holiday camps, no drip-dry shirts... 587 00:39:28,928 --> 00:39:30,929 All these things, and other things too... 588 00:39:30,930 --> 00:39:34,127 are byproducts of war. 589 00:39:34,233 --> 00:39:37,600 But, in the great fight for these byproducts of war... 590 00:39:37,704 --> 00:39:41,765 perhaps no army has shown more courage, valour... 591 00:39:41,874 --> 00:39:44,502 and tenacity than the British Army... 592 00:39:44,611 --> 00:39:47,944 which went selflessly to the four corners of the globe... 593 00:39:48,047 --> 00:39:51,244 to defend a civilization and empire... 594 00:39:51,351 --> 00:39:53,911 a way of life that was truly... 595 00:39:54,020 --> 00:39:56,121 the greatest achievement... 596 00:39:56,122 --> 00:39:58,647 of the genius of the British people. 597 00:40:18,177 --> 00:40:21,408 But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done, 598 00:40:21,514 --> 00:40:25,473 it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class... 599 00:40:25,585 --> 00:40:28,315 that has made the British Army what it is. 600 00:41:03,006 --> 00:41:05,506 Excuse me. 601 00:41:11,881 --> 00:41:14,216 - Morning, Ainsworth. - Morning, Pakenham. 602 00:41:14,217 --> 00:41:17,653 - Sleep well? - Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though. 603 00:41:17,754 --> 00:41:19,855 Must be that hole in the bloody mosquito net. 604 00:41:19,856 --> 00:41:23,053 Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they? 605 00:41:23,159 --> 00:41:25,260 - Excuse me, sir. - Yes, Chadwick? 606 00:41:25,261 --> 00:41:27,923 I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night. 607 00:41:28,030 --> 00:41:31,727 - Well, so did we. Ha! - Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him. 608 00:41:31,834 --> 00:41:35,395 - Well, go and fetch him then. - Right you are, sir. 609 00:41:35,505 --> 00:41:38,005 Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham? 610 00:41:38,074 --> 00:41:40,574 Yes, I suppose so. 611 00:41:40,576 --> 00:41:44,103 - Here now. - Come on, boy. 612 00:41:53,356 --> 00:41:54,923 Morning, Perkins. 613 00:41:54,924 --> 00:41:57,688 - Morning, sir. - What's all the trouble, then? 614 00:41:57,794 --> 00:42:00,695 Bitten, sir. During the night. 615 00:42:00,797 --> 00:42:03,823 Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh? 616 00:42:03,933 --> 00:42:06,433 - Yes. - How's it feel? 617 00:42:06,469 --> 00:42:10,633 - Stings a bit. - Mmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it? 618 00:42:10,740 --> 00:42:14,471 That's, uh, quite a bite you've got there. 619 00:42:14,577 --> 00:42:16,711 Yes. A real beauty, isn't it? 620 00:42:16,712 --> 00:42:20,705 - Any idea how it happened? - None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. 621 00:42:20,817 --> 00:42:23,877 Woke up just now one sock too many. 622 00:42:23,986 --> 00:42:27,217 - You must have a hell of a hole in your net. - We've sent for the doctor. 623 00:42:27,323 --> 00:42:30,451 - Hardly worth it, is it? - Oh yes. Better safe than sorry. 624 00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:34,690 - Yes. Good Lord, look at this. - By Jove! That's enormous. 625 00:42:34,797 --> 00:42:37,823 - You don't think it'll come back, do you? - For more, you mean? 626 00:42:37,934 --> 00:42:40,168 Yes. You're right. We'd better get this stitched. 627 00:42:40,169 --> 00:42:42,504 - Right. - Hello, Doc! 628 00:42:42,505 --> 00:42:46,236 Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is something up? 629 00:42:46,342 --> 00:42:51,405 Yes. During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off. 630 00:42:51,514 --> 00:42:54,972 Oh, yeah. Been in the wars, have we? 631 00:42:55,084 --> 00:42:58,884 - Yes. - Any headache? Bowels all right? 632 00:42:58,988 --> 00:43:02,424 Mmm. Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? 633 00:43:03,860 --> 00:43:06,360 Yes. Yes, yes, yes. 634 00:43:06,362 --> 00:43:10,662 Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about. 635 00:43:10,766 --> 00:43:14,202 - Oh, good. - There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. 636 00:43:14,303 --> 00:43:17,272 Keep warm, plenty of rest and if you're playing football or anything, 637 00:43:17,373 --> 00:43:19,441 try and favour the other leg. 638 00:43:19,442 --> 00:43:22,878 - Oh, righto. - As right as rain in a couple of days. 639 00:43:22,979 --> 00:43:24,980 Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, Doc. 640 00:43:24,981 --> 00:43:27,048 Not at all. That's what I'm here for. 641 00:43:27,049 --> 00:43:30,746 - Any other problems I can reassure you about? - No, I'm fine. 642 00:43:30,853 --> 00:43:33,154 Jolly good. Well, must be off. 643 00:43:33,155 --> 00:43:36,613 So it'll... just grow back again, then, will it? 644 00:43:37,793 --> 00:43:40,128 Uh... 645 00:43:40,129 --> 00:43:43,360 I think I'd better come clean with you about this. 646 00:43:43,466 --> 00:43:47,027 It's, uh... It's not a virus, I'm afraid. 647 00:43:47,136 --> 00:43:51,095 You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small... 648 00:43:51,207 --> 00:43:54,768 so small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. 649 00:43:54,877 --> 00:43:58,904 What we're looking for... and this is no more than an educated guess... 650 00:43:59,015 --> 00:44:01,349 is some multi-cellular life-form... 651 00:44:01,350 --> 00:44:05,787 with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth, about 11 foot long... 652 00:44:05,888 --> 00:44:08,388 and of the genus Felis Horribilis... 653 00:44:08,391 --> 00:44:12,225 what we doctors, in fact, call a tiger. 654 00:44:12,328 --> 00:44:14,329 A tiger? 655 00:44:14,330 --> 00:44:16,331 A tiger? 656 00:44:19,869 --> 00:44:22,369 A tiger in Africa? 657 00:44:22,405 --> 00:44:24,905 A tiger in Africa! 658 00:44:26,375 --> 00:44:29,833 - Ah, well, it-it's probably escaped from a zoo. - Doesn't sound very likely to me. 659 00:44:29,946 --> 00:44:32,414 - Stumm, Stumm, Stumm. - Sir! Sir! 660 00:44:32,415 --> 00:44:36,181 - The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating. - Oh, jolly good. 661 00:44:36,285 --> 00:44:40,085 Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C-division wiped out. Signals gone. 662 00:44:40,189 --> 00:44:42,223 - Thirty men killed in F-section. - Yes, I see. 663 00:44:42,224 --> 00:44:46,126 - I should think about 150 men altogether, sir. - Jolly good. 664 00:44:46,228 --> 00:44:49,595 I haven't got the final figures, but there's a lot of seriously wounded in the compound... 665 00:44:49,699 --> 00:44:53,396 Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. 666 00:44:55,371 --> 00:44:58,135 One of the officers has lost a leg. 667 00:44:58,240 --> 00:45:00,765 - Oh, no, sir! - I'm afraid so. 668 00:45:00,876 --> 00:45:03,470 - Probably a tiger. - In Africa? 669 00:45:03,579 --> 00:45:06,309 The M.O. Says we can stitch it back on... 670 00:45:06,415 --> 00:45:08,616 if we can find it immediately. 671 00:45:08,617 --> 00:45:13,111 - Right, sir. I'll organize a party. - It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant. 672 00:45:13,222 --> 00:45:17,625 - A search party. - Ah, ah, ah! Much better idea. 673 00:45:22,164 --> 00:45:26,123 Sorry about the mess, sir. We'll try and get it cleared up by the time you get back. 674 00:45:26,235 --> 00:45:28,403 - We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? - Yes. 675 00:45:28,404 --> 00:45:30,904 Here. We got a search party. Leave that alone. 676 00:45:30,906 --> 00:45:34,842 - All this killing, bloodshed... Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it? - Yes, very good. 677 00:45:34,944 --> 00:45:37,469 - Morning, sir. - Nasty wound you've got there, fella. 678 00:45:37,580 --> 00:45:40,080 Thank you very much, sir. 679 00:45:40,082 --> 00:45:42,582 Come on, Private. Making up a search party. 680 00:45:44,587 --> 00:45:48,819 Better than staying home, isn't it? I mean, at home if you kill someone, they arrest you. 681 00:45:48,924 --> 00:45:51,654 Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do, sir. 682 00:45:51,761 --> 00:45:56,494 I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me. 683 00:45:56,599 --> 00:45:59,099 Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir. 684 00:46:14,016 --> 00:46:16,217 Ahem. 685 00:46:16,218 --> 00:46:19,244 Sorry, sir. Thank you, Sergeant Major. 686 00:46:19,355 --> 00:46:21,855 Mm-hmm. 687 00:46:36,672 --> 00:46:39,172 Look! 688 00:46:40,409 --> 00:46:42,909 My God! It's huge! 689 00:46:52,421 --> 00:46:55,015 Uh, don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. 690 00:46:56,592 --> 00:46:58,927 Uh, we were just, um... 691 00:46:58,928 --> 00:47:01,428 Why are you dressed as a tiger? 692 00:47:01,497 --> 00:47:05,490 Hmm? Oh, why, why, why? 693 00:47:05,601 --> 00:47:07,569 Ha! Isn't it a lovely day today? 694 00:47:07,570 --> 00:47:10,869 - Answer the question. - Oh, we were just... 695 00:47:10,973 --> 00:47:14,636 Well, actually, we're dressed like this because... 696 00:47:15,744 --> 00:47:17,745 Oh, no, that's not it. 697 00:47:17,746 --> 00:47:20,271 Oh, we did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits. 698 00:47:20,382 --> 00:47:23,545 - Simple as that. - Nothing more to it. 699 00:47:23,652 --> 00:47:26,587 Well, actually, we're on a mission for British Intelligence. 700 00:47:26,689 --> 00:47:29,283 There's a pro-czarist Ashanti chief... 701 00:47:29,391 --> 00:47:31,392 - No, no, no, no. - Uh, no, no, no, no. 702 00:47:31,393 --> 00:47:33,661 No, no, no, no. We're doing it for an advertisement. 703 00:47:33,662 --> 00:47:36,064 Ah, that's it. Forget about the Russians. 704 00:47:36,065 --> 00:47:38,659 Uh, we're doing an advert for Tiger Brand Coffee. 705 00:47:38,767 --> 00:47:42,897 "Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat. " 706 00:47:43,005 --> 00:47:45,565 - Now, look... - All right, all right. 707 00:47:45,674 --> 00:47:48,734 We are dressed as a tiger because he had an auntie who did it in 1839... 708 00:47:48,844 --> 00:47:51,972 - ... and this is her 50th anniversary. - No. We're doing it for a bet. 709 00:47:52,081 --> 00:47:55,949 - God told us to do it. - To tell the truth, we are completely mad. 710 00:47:56,051 --> 00:47:58,520 We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution, 711 00:47:58,521 --> 00:48:03,185 and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets. 712 00:48:03,292 --> 00:48:05,693 - It doesn't matter! - What? 713 00:48:05,694 --> 00:48:10,859 It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. Have they got my leg? 714 00:48:10,966 --> 00:48:13,628 Good thinking. Well, have you? 715 00:48:13,736 --> 00:48:16,236 - Actually... - Yes?