1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,325 [Tiger growling] 2 00:00:06,655 --> 00:00:09,215 Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. 3 00:00:09,855 --> 00:00:11,527 We were just... 4 00:00:12,815 --> 00:00:14,771 Why are you dressed as a tiger? 5 00:00:17,335 --> 00:00:20,452 - Oh, why, why, why? - Isn't it a lovely day today? 6 00:00:20,735 --> 00:00:22,407 Answer the question. 7 00:00:22,975 --> 00:00:27,571 - We were just... - Well, we're dressed like this because... 8 00:00:28,575 --> 00:00:29,974 No, that's not it. 9 00:00:30,215 --> 00:00:32,809 We did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits. 10 00:00:32,895 --> 00:00:35,045 - Simple as that. - Nothing more to it. 11 00:00:35,975 --> 00:00:38,967 Actually, we're on a mission for British intelligence. 12 00:00:39,255 --> 00:00:43,043 - There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief... - No, no, no. 13 00:00:43,175 --> 00:00:45,928 - No, no, no. - No. We're doing it for an advertisement. 14 00:00:46,015 --> 00:00:48,245 That's it. Forget about the Russians. 15 00:00:48,335 --> 00:00:50,610 We're doing an advert for Tiger brand coffee. 16 00:00:50,695 --> 00:00:54,608 "Tiger brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat." 17 00:00:54,695 --> 00:00:56,925 AINSWORTH: Now, look... REAR END: All right, all right. 18 00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:00,485 We are dressed as a tiger because he has an auntie who did it in 1839. 19 00:01:00,575 --> 00:01:03,328 - This is the 50th anniversary. - We're doing it for a bet. 20 00:01:03,415 --> 00:01:06,930 - God told us to do it. - To tell the truth, we are completely mad. 21 00:01:07,095 --> 00:01:09,609 We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution... 22 00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:13,734 and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets. 23 00:01:14,295 --> 00:01:16,525 PERKINS: It doesn't matter! AINSWORTH: What? 24 00:01:16,655 --> 00:01:19,328 It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. 25 00:01:19,415 --> 00:01:21,212 Have they got my leg? 26 00:01:21,975 --> 00:01:24,091 Good thinking. Well, have you? 27 00:01:24,815 --> 00:01:26,134 - Actually... - Yes? 28 00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,765 We were thinking of training as taxidermists. 29 00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:31,244 We wanted the feel from the animal's point of view. 30 00:01:31,335 --> 00:01:35,328 Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you if you've got this man's leg. 31 00:01:36,775 --> 00:01:39,289 - A wooden leg? - No, no, a proper leg. 32 00:01:39,375 --> 00:01:43,573 He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it. 33 00:01:44,775 --> 00:01:46,333 Without waking him up? 34 00:01:48,455 --> 00:01:50,491 - Yes. - I don't believe you. 35 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:53,249 We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo. 36 00:01:53,335 --> 00:01:55,485 The owner wanted it taken to Dar es Salaam. 37 00:01:55,575 --> 00:01:59,488 Shut up! Now look, have you or have you not got his leg? 38 00:01:59,895 --> 00:02:01,294 - Yes. - No. 39 00:02:01,375 --> 00:02:02,774 No, no, no. 40 00:02:05,055 --> 00:02:07,330 - Why did you say yes? - I didn't. 41 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,133 I'm not talking to you. 42 00:02:16,335 --> 00:02:18,087 Right. Search the thicket. 43 00:02:18,535 --> 00:02:22,448 Come on. Do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night... 44 00:02:22,535 --> 00:02:25,766 steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them, tissue-type 'em... 45 00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:28,164 amputate a leg and run away with it? 46 00:02:28,255 --> 00:02:29,688 Search the thicket. 47 00:02:30,055 --> 00:02:32,285 FRONT END: Leg! You're looking for a leg! 48 00:02:32,575 --> 00:02:35,169 Actually, I think there is one in there somewhere. 49 00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:38,292 Someone must've abandoned it here, knowing you'd come after it. 50 00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:41,685 We stumbled across it, actually. They'll be miles away by now. 51 00:02:41,775 --> 00:02:44,653 I expect we'll have to take all the blame as usual. 52 00:02:45,215 --> 00:02:49,128 Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film. 53 00:02:55,815 --> 00:02:58,283 Hello, and welcome to The Middle of the Film... 54 00:02:58,375 --> 00:03:00,935 the moment where we take a break to invite you... 55 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:04,724 to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish. 56 00:03:05,535 --> 00:03:08,129 We're going to show you a scene from another film... 57 00:03:08,215 --> 00:03:10,524 and ask you to guess where the fish is. 58 00:03:10,615 --> 00:03:13,288 But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves. 59 00:03:13,375 --> 00:03:15,650 Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you. 60 00:03:15,735 --> 00:03:18,693 So here we are with Find the Fish. 61 00:03:18,975 --> 00:03:22,445 [Dignified instrumental music] 62 00:03:27,935 --> 00:03:30,972 I wonder where that fish has gone. 63 00:03:31,775 --> 00:03:33,493 You did love it so. 64 00:03:33,575 --> 00:03:36,009 You looked after it like a son. 65 00:03:36,695 --> 00:03:40,688 And it went wherever I did go. 66 00:03:40,935 --> 00:03:44,007 - Is it in the cupboard? - Yes! 67 00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:48,334 Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish. 68 00:03:48,735 --> 00:03:53,206 And it went wherever I did go. 69 00:03:53,615 --> 00:03:57,210 MAN IN AUDIENCE: It's behind the sofa! MAN IN MASK: Where can that fish be? 70 00:03:58,015 --> 00:04:00,210 MAN IN AUDIENCE: Have you thought of the bureau? 71 00:04:00,295 --> 00:04:02,934 It is a most elusive fish. 72 00:04:03,055 --> 00:04:06,809 And it went wherever I did go. 73 00:04:08,455 --> 00:04:10,844 Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. 74 00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:15,414 Fish, fish, fish... 75 00:04:17,575 --> 00:04:20,294 Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! 76 00:04:20,575 --> 00:04:24,648 That went wherever I did go. 77 00:04:24,735 --> 00:04:27,647 MAN IN AUDIENCE: Look up his trunk! MAN IN AUDIENCE 2: His trousers! 78 00:04:28,015 --> 00:04:30,051 FISH 1: That was terrific! FISH 2: Great! Yeah! 79 00:04:30,415 --> 00:04:32,770 FISH 3: Best bit so far. ALL: Fantastic! 80 00:04:33,855 --> 00:04:35,925 ALL: Really risky, yeah. 81 00:04:39,575 --> 00:04:42,931 FISH 5: They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they? 82 00:04:43,015 --> 00:04:45,290 FISH 1: It's been building up to it. FISH 2: Has it? 83 00:04:45,375 --> 00:04:47,650 FISH 5: Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now. 84 00:04:48,415 --> 00:04:52,806 FISH 3: Personally, I doubt they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all. 85 00:04:52,935 --> 00:04:55,574 FISH 4: They've gotta say something. ALL: They're bound to. 86 00:04:55,655 --> 00:04:56,770 ALL: Yeah. 87 00:05:00,455 --> 00:05:03,606 FISH 3: Wonder what the next bit will be. FISH 1: Caption, I expect. 88 00:05:03,695 --> 00:05:05,686 FISH 6: About the next stage of life, you mean? Here we go. 89 00:05:15,455 --> 00:05:17,685 That's much better. Thank you, honey. 90 00:05:17,775 --> 00:05:19,003 You're welcome. 91 00:05:20,615 --> 00:05:23,812 MR. HENDY: It was all sort of misty before. That's fine. 92 00:05:24,255 --> 00:05:27,611 - Hey! How are you? - We're just fine. 93 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:29,925 What kind of food would you like this evening? 94 00:05:30,015 --> 00:05:32,085 We sort of like pineapple. 95 00:05:32,175 --> 00:05:34,052 Yeah, we love pineapple. 96 00:05:34,215 --> 00:05:37,013 MR. HENDY: Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us. 97 00:05:37,135 --> 00:05:39,365 How about the Dungeon Room? 98 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,968 - That sounds fine. - Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food... 99 00:05:43,055 --> 00:05:46,445 served in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere. 100 00:05:48,855 --> 00:05:51,323 [Prisoner screams in agony] 101 00:05:51,415 --> 00:05:54,885 [Hawaiian-style instrumental music] 102 00:06:02,055 --> 00:06:03,374 Isn't this nice? 103 00:06:04,415 --> 00:06:05,643 Why not. 104 00:06:06,855 --> 00:06:08,334 MR. HENDY: Take a little Kodak. 105 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,526 Thank you. Thank you very much. 106 00:06:12,815 --> 00:06:16,285 [Prisoner screams in agony] 107 00:06:23,575 --> 00:06:26,487 Good evening. Would you care for something to talk about? 108 00:06:26,575 --> 00:06:30,693 - That would be wonderful. - Our special tonight is minorities. 109 00:06:30,775 --> 00:06:32,970 That sounds real interesting. 110 00:06:33,335 --> 00:06:35,405 What's this conversation here? 111 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,885 That's football. You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday... 112 00:06:38,975 --> 00:06:41,808 or you could reminisce about really great World Series. 113 00:06:41,895 --> 00:06:43,044 MRS. HENDY: No. 114 00:06:43,135 --> 00:06:46,411 - What is this one here? - That's philosophy. 115 00:06:46,855 --> 00:06:48,174 Is that a sport? 116 00:06:48,935 --> 00:06:52,610 No, it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis... 117 00:06:52,735 --> 00:06:54,612 to explain the meaning of life. 118 00:06:54,975 --> 00:06:57,045 FISH 3: What was that? FISH 5: What's he saying? 119 00:06:57,495 --> 00:06:59,008 That sounds wonderful. 120 00:06:59,415 --> 00:07:02,612 Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling? 121 00:07:02,735 --> 00:07:04,134 Sure. Why not? 122 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,092 - Philosophy for two? - Right. 123 00:07:06,415 --> 00:07:08,133 - Room? - 259. 124 00:07:08,215 --> 00:07:09,853 259. 125 00:07:11,815 --> 00:07:13,009 How do we... 126 00:07:13,255 --> 00:07:15,405 You folks want me to start you off? 127 00:07:15,615 --> 00:07:16,809 We'd appreciate that. 128 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:17,884 Okay! 129 00:07:19,735 --> 00:07:22,966 Look. Have you ever wondered just why you're here? 130 00:07:24,855 --> 00:07:28,006 We went to Miami last year and California the year before... 131 00:07:28,095 --> 00:07:31,565 No, no, no. I mean, why we're here, on this planet. 132 00:07:34,935 --> 00:07:35,890 No. 133 00:07:36,135 --> 00:07:40,014 Right. You ever wanted to know what it's all about? 134 00:07:40,375 --> 00:07:41,490 Nope. 135 00:07:42,015 --> 00:07:43,084 Righty-ho! 136 00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:47,493 See, throughout history, there have been certain men and women... 137 00:07:47,615 --> 00:07:51,494 who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence. 138 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:55,172 - Great! - And we call these guys philosophers. 139 00:07:55,335 --> 00:07:57,644 - And that's what we're talking about. - Right! 140 00:07:57,735 --> 00:07:58,963 That's neat. 141 00:07:59,055 --> 00:08:03,367 You look like you're getting the idea, so I'll give you these conversation cards. 142 00:08:03,455 --> 00:08:07,812 They'll tell you a little about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers. 143 00:08:07,895 --> 00:08:09,044 There you are. 144 00:08:09,135 --> 00:08:12,172 - Have a nice conversation. - Thank you very much. 145 00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:15,253 - He's cute. - Yeah, real understanding. 146 00:08:16,535 --> 00:08:19,413 I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher. 147 00:08:20,855 --> 00:08:24,291 Yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S." 148 00:08:30,935 --> 00:08:32,448 Like Nietzsche. 149 00:08:34,455 --> 00:08:36,571 Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"? 150 00:08:38,095 --> 00:08:40,325 There's an "S" in "Nietzsche." 151 00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,211 Yes, there is. 152 00:08:45,335 --> 00:08:47,724 Do all philosophers have an "S" in them? 153 00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:50,170 Yeah. I think most of them do. 154 00:08:52,335 --> 00:08:55,293 Does that mean Salena Jones is a philosopher? 155 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,684 Yeah! Right! 156 00:08:56,775 --> 00:09:00,165 She could be. She sings about the meaning of life. 157 00:09:00,535 --> 00:09:02,093 Yeah. That's right. 158 00:09:02,815 --> 00:09:05,010 But I don't think she writes her own material. 159 00:09:05,095 --> 00:09:06,130 No. 160 00:09:06,495 --> 00:09:09,055 Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material. 161 00:09:09,455 --> 00:09:12,049 No. Burt Bacharach writes it. 162 00:09:13,055 --> 00:09:15,171 There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach." 163 00:09:15,575 --> 00:09:17,247 Or in "Hal David." 164 00:09:18,255 --> 00:09:19,654 Who's Hal David? 165 00:09:20,055 --> 00:09:22,967 He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes. 166 00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:26,531 Only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager. 167 00:09:29,775 --> 00:09:32,414 Waiter? This conversation isn't very good. 168 00:09:32,495 --> 00:09:34,008 I'm sorry, sir. 169 00:09:35,135 --> 00:09:37,524 We do have one today that's not on the menu. 170 00:09:37,615 --> 00:09:41,574 It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? Live organ transplants. 171 00:09:42,295 --> 00:09:44,490 Live organ transplants? What's that? 172 00:09:52,615 --> 00:09:53,809 [Doorbell] 173 00:09:54,215 --> 00:09:56,490 Don't worry, dear. I'll get it. 174 00:09:56,575 --> 00:10:00,045 [Fast-paced Jewish folk music] 175 00:10:03,215 --> 00:10:05,809 MR. BROWN: Yes? MAN 1: Hello. Can we have your liver? 176 00:10:06,695 --> 00:10:08,651 MR. BROWN: What? MAN 1: Your liver. 177 00:10:09,455 --> 00:10:12,765 It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen. 178 00:10:14,295 --> 00:10:16,809 You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of... 179 00:10:16,895 --> 00:10:20,683 Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it. 180 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:25,967 ERIC: Come on, sir. Don't muck us about. 181 00:10:27,735 --> 00:10:28,850 Hello! 182 00:10:30,535 --> 00:10:32,969 - What's this, then? - A liver donor's card. 183 00:10:33,055 --> 00:10:35,330 - Need we say more? - No. 184 00:10:35,415 --> 00:10:38,964 MR. BROWN: Listen, I can't give it you now. It says, "in the event of death." 185 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,090 My God! 186 00:10:40,175 --> 00:10:43,690 MAN 1: No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived. 187 00:10:43,775 --> 00:10:46,369 Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute. 188 00:10:46,455 --> 00:10:49,925 [Mr. Brown screams in agony] 189 00:10:57,815 --> 00:10:59,692 [Mr. Brown continues screaming] 190 00:10:59,975 --> 00:11:01,488 MRS. BROWN: Here. What's going on? 191 00:11:01,575 --> 00:11:03,850 He's donating his liver, madam. 192 00:11:04,535 --> 00:11:07,572 Is this because he took out one of those silly cards? 193 00:11:07,695 --> 00:11:10,209 - That's right, madam. - Typical of him. 194 00:11:10,735 --> 00:11:13,966 He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up... 195 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,888 comes home all full of good intentions. 196 00:11:17,295 --> 00:11:20,970 He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing. 197 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:24,525 [Mr. Brown continues screaming] 198 00:11:24,735 --> 00:11:27,329 What do you do with them all, anyway? 199 00:11:27,575 --> 00:11:29,566 They all go to saving lives, madam. 200 00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:31,088 That's what he used to say. 201 00:11:31,175 --> 00:11:34,212 "It's all for the good of the country," he used to say. 202 00:11:35,135 --> 00:11:37,933 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 203 00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:40,849 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 204 00:11:40,935 --> 00:11:44,769 I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just doing our jobs, you know? 205 00:11:46,055 --> 00:11:48,285 You're not doctors, then? 206 00:11:49,495 --> 00:11:50,723 Blimey, no. 207 00:11:52,415 --> 00:11:55,646 SON: Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. I'll see you about 7:00? 208 00:11:55,975 --> 00:11:58,614 Right, son. Look after yourself. 209 00:12:03,255 --> 00:12:06,008 You fancy a cup of tea? 210 00:12:07,375 --> 00:12:09,650 That'd be very nice. Thank you. 211 00:12:10,295 --> 00:12:12,855 Thank you very much, madam. 212 00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:15,730 I thought she'd never ask. 213 00:12:20,575 --> 00:12:23,248 You do realise he has to be... 214 00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:27,133 dead by the terms of the card... 215 00:12:27,695 --> 00:12:29,492 before he donates his liver. 216 00:12:29,575 --> 00:12:33,363 I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man. 217 00:12:33,495 --> 00:12:35,213 I mean, I was wonderin'... 218 00:12:36,295 --> 00:12:38,855 what you was thinkin' of doin' after that. 219 00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:41,535 I mean will you stay on your own? 220 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:45,774 Or is there, well, someone else, sort of... 221 00:12:47,855 --> 00:12:49,368 on the horizon? 222 00:12:49,455 --> 00:12:52,731 I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime. 223 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:55,807 Not at all. Very attractive woman. 224 00:12:56,615 --> 00:13:00,403 Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again. 225 00:13:01,415 --> 00:13:03,292 - Sure? - Sure. 226 00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:13,012 Can we have your liver then? 227 00:13:13,095 --> 00:13:14,767 I would be scared. 228 00:13:14,935 --> 00:13:16,004 All right. 229 00:13:17,615 --> 00:13:19,048 I'll tell you what. 230 00:13:19,855 --> 00:13:21,368 Listen to this. 231 00:13:22,615 --> 00:13:25,254 [Singing] Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown 232 00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:28,328 And things seem hard or tough 233 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:32,888 And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft 234 00:13:33,775 --> 00:13:38,565 And you feel that you've had quite enough 235 00:13:42,135 --> 00:13:48,051 Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving 236 00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:50,814 And revolving at 900 miles an hour 237 00:13:51,695 --> 00:13:55,529 It's orbiting at 19 miles a second So it's reckoned 238 00:13:55,655 --> 00:13:58,453 A sun that is the source of all our power 239 00:13:59,455 --> 00:14:03,050 The sun and you and me And all the stars that we can see 240 00:14:03,215 --> 00:14:06,173 Are moving at a million miles a day 241 00:14:06,975 --> 00:14:10,490 In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour 242 00:14:11,015 --> 00:14:13,768 Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way 243 00:14:22,455 --> 00:14:25,845 Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars 244 00:14:26,135 --> 00:14:29,252 It's a 100,000 light years side to side 245 00:14:30,095 --> 00:14:33,212 It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick 246 00:14:33,615 --> 00:14:36,652 But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide 247 00:14:37,695 --> 00:14:41,005 We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point 248 00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:44,013 We go round every 200 million years 249 00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:48,571 And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions 250 00:14:48,735 --> 00:14:52,045 In this amazing and expanding universe 251 00:14:52,735 --> 00:14:54,726 [Mystical instrumental music] 252 00:14:55,815 --> 00:14:57,806 [Carnival-style music] 253 00:15:23,375 --> 00:15:26,924 The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding 254 00:15:27,055 --> 00:15:29,853 In all of the directions it can whizz 255 00:15:30,815 --> 00:15:34,603 As fast as it can go The speed of light you know 256 00:15:34,695 --> 00:15:38,051 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is 257 00:15:38,135 --> 00:15:42,048 So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure 258 00:15:42,255 --> 00:15:45,486 How amazingly unlikely is your birth 259 00:15:46,295 --> 00:15:49,765 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space 260 00:15:49,855 --> 00:15:52,733 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth 261 00:15:57,775 --> 00:16:00,243 Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it? 262 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,007 Yeah. 263 00:16:04,415 --> 00:16:06,292 Can we have your liver, then? 264 00:16:07,095 --> 00:16:08,733 - Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. - Eric! 265 00:16:12,015 --> 00:16:15,485 [Dramatic instrumental music] 266 00:16:18,535 --> 00:16:21,254 Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization... 267 00:16:21,335 --> 00:16:24,372 of just how much there is still left to own. 268 00:16:25,335 --> 00:16:30,011 Item 6 on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life." 269 00:16:32,335 --> 00:16:34,644 Now, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this. 270 00:16:34,735 --> 00:16:38,011 I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks. 271 00:16:38,095 --> 00:16:42,293 What we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. 272 00:16:42,975 --> 00:16:45,614 One: People are not wearing enough hats. 273 00:16:46,375 --> 00:16:48,605 Two: Matter is energy. 274 00:16:49,135 --> 00:16:53,447 In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. 275 00:16:54,295 --> 00:16:58,686 Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. 276 00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:03,044 However, this soul does not exist ab initio... 277 00:17:03,215 --> 00:17:05,490 as orthodox Christianity teaches. 278 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:10,724 It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. 279 00:17:11,855 --> 00:17:15,245 However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability... 280 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:19,567 to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. 281 00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:25,610 What was that about hats again? 282 00:17:27,055 --> 00:17:29,011 People aren't wearing enough. 283 00:17:29,095 --> 00:17:30,414 Is this true? 284 00:17:30,615 --> 00:17:34,210 Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu as our research... 285 00:17:34,295 --> 00:17:36,650 When you say "enough," enough for what purpose? 286 00:17:36,735 --> 00:17:39,295 Can I just ask, with reference to your second point... 287 00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:43,334 when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... 288 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,409 Has anyone noticed that building there before? 289 00:17:50,855 --> 00:17:51,844 BOARD MEMBER: What? 290 00:17:52,015 --> 00:17:53,084 Good Lord! 291 00:17:57,775 --> 00:18:01,245 [Adventurous instrumental music] 292 00:18:12,655 --> 00:18:13,770 Good Lord! 293 00:18:14,535 --> 00:18:17,254 The Crimson Permanent Assurance! 294 00:18:19,655 --> 00:18:22,772 NARRATOR: We interrupt to apologise for this unwarranted attack... 295 00:18:22,855 --> 00:18:24,368 by the supporting feature. 296 00:18:24,455 --> 00:18:27,094 Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality... 297 00:18:27,175 --> 00:18:29,405 and are now taking steps to remedy it. 298 00:18:29,895 --> 00:18:30,884 Thank you. 299 00:18:37,695 --> 00:18:41,847 Good evening. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. 300 00:18:41,935 --> 00:18:44,529 [Singing] Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis 301 00:18:44,855 --> 00:18:47,608 Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong 302 00:18:47,815 --> 00:18:50,807 It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick 303 00:18:50,895 --> 00:18:54,205 From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick 304 00:18:54,295 --> 00:18:57,253 So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas 305 00:18:57,695 --> 00:19:00,334 Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake 306 00:19:00,655 --> 00:19:04,011 Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend your percy or your cock 307 00:19:04,095 --> 00:19:07,531 You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock 308 00:19:07,615 --> 00:19:10,766 But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock 309 00:19:10,855 --> 00:19:14,211 And you won't come back Thank you very much. 310 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:20,011 - What a frightfully witty song. - Terribly clever. 311 00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:25,206 - Jolly good. - Marvelous. 312 00:19:25,295 --> 00:19:28,765 [Fast-paced dramatic instrumental music] 313 00:19:32,615 --> 00:19:34,765 FISH 1: Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote! 314 00:19:53,015 --> 00:19:56,325 - Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? - Better. 315 00:19:56,455 --> 00:19:59,253 - Better? - Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up. 316 00:19:59,335 --> 00:20:01,326 Gaston? A bucket for monsieur. 317 00:20:05,895 --> 00:20:07,806 There we are, monsieur. 318 00:20:22,135 --> 00:20:24,330 - Merci, Gaston. - I haven't finished. 319 00:20:25,215 --> 00:20:28,207 Pardon! Gaston? A thousand pardons, monsieur. 320 00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:32,493 Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favourite: The jugged hare. 321 00:20:32,575 --> 00:20:37,012 The hare is very high, and the sauce is very rich... 322 00:20:37,215 --> 00:20:41,970 with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream. 323 00:20:42,055 --> 00:20:43,408 Thank you, Gaston. 324 00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,167 There's still more. 325 00:20:45,255 --> 00:20:46,529 Allow me. 326 00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,167 A new bucket for monsieur. 327 00:20:53,655 --> 00:20:55,293 And the cleaning woman. 328 00:20:58,095 --> 00:21:01,132 Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an ap�ritif... 329 00:21:01,255 --> 00:21:03,815 or would he prefer to order straight away? 330 00:21:04,695 --> 00:21:08,370 Today, we have for appetizers... Excuse me. 331 00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:15,284 Moules marini�res, p�t� de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs benedictine... 332 00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,491 tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart... 333 00:21:17,575 --> 00:21:21,124 frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd. 334 00:21:21,255 --> 00:21:25,089 C'est-�-dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pur�ed mushrooms. 335 00:21:25,175 --> 00:21:27,086 It's very delicate, very succulent. 336 00:21:27,175 --> 00:21:28,574 I'll have the lot. 337 00:21:29,775 --> 00:21:31,447 A wise choice, monsieur. 338 00:21:31,815 --> 00:21:35,888 And now, how would you like it served? All mixed up together in a bucket? 339 00:21:35,975 --> 00:21:38,011 Yeah. With the eggs on top. 340 00:21:38,135 --> 00:21:41,889 - But of course. Avec des oeufs frits. - Don't skimp on the p�t�. 341 00:21:41,975 --> 00:21:45,285 I assure you. Just because it's mixed up with all the other things... 342 00:21:45,375 --> 00:21:47,889 we wouldn't give you less than the full amount. 343 00:21:47,975 --> 00:21:51,729 In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. 344 00:21:52,255 --> 00:21:55,008 Maintenant, quelque chose � boire. Something to drink? 345 00:21:55,095 --> 00:21:58,292 Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Ch�teau Latour '45. 346 00:21:59,175 --> 00:22:01,245 And a double jeroboam of champagne. 347 00:22:01,415 --> 00:22:03,610 Bon. And the usual brown ales? 348 00:22:03,935 --> 00:22:07,814 Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today. 349 00:22:08,175 --> 00:22:11,292 I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night. 350 00:22:11,855 --> 00:22:14,130 - Shut up! - D'accord. 351 00:22:14,775 --> 00:22:17,414 The new bucket and the cleaning woman. 352 00:22:23,775 --> 00:22:27,290 - Is there something wrong with the food? - No, the food was excellent. 353 00:22:27,375 --> 00:22:30,606 - You're not happy with the service? - No, no complaints. 354 00:22:30,935 --> 00:22:34,371 It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period. 355 00:22:35,735 --> 00:22:38,203 And we have a train to catch. 356 00:22:38,335 --> 00:22:41,407 Yes, of course. We have a train to catch. 357 00:22:41,655 --> 00:22:44,647 And I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. 358 00:22:45,255 --> 00:22:47,689 - Madam? - Perhaps we should be going? 359 00:22:49,615 --> 00:22:53,574 Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you. 360 00:22:54,535 --> 00:22:56,969 I hope very much we will see you again very soon. 361 00:22:57,055 --> 00:22:58,534 Au revoir, messieurs. 362 00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:02,332 Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket. 363 00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:08,285 Another bucket for monsieur! 364 00:23:10,215 --> 00:23:12,126 And perhaps a hose. 365 00:23:15,575 --> 00:23:18,248 Oh, Max. Really! 366 00:23:33,375 --> 00:23:36,367 Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint. 367 00:23:36,935 --> 00:23:39,972 Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one. 368 00:23:40,495 --> 00:23:43,293 - No, fuck off. I'm full. - Sir. 369 00:23:45,495 --> 00:23:47,292 It's only wafer thin. 370 00:23:48,375 --> 00:23:52,050 I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. 371 00:23:52,375 --> 00:23:53,569 Bugger off. 372 00:23:53,855 --> 00:23:56,289 Sir, just one. Just one. 373 00:23:59,095 --> 00:24:03,134 - All right. Just one. - Just the one, monsieur. 374 00:24:04,135 --> 00:24:05,488 Voil�. 375 00:24:10,135 --> 00:24:11,534 Bon app�tit. 376 00:24:15,815 --> 00:24:19,285 [Fast-paced suspenseful instrumental music] 377 00:24:37,015 --> 00:24:40,485 [Restaurant patrons yelling] 378 00:24:49,135 --> 00:24:52,605 [Restaurant patrons gagging] 379 00:24:52,695 --> 00:24:55,493 Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your cheque. 380 00:25:13,375 --> 00:25:16,845 [Slow lounge-type instrumental music] 381 00:25:27,095 --> 00:25:30,371 You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder if we'll... 382 00:25:31,335 --> 00:25:33,895 ever discover the meaning of it all... 383 00:25:34,175 --> 00:25:36,484 working in a place like this. 384 00:25:36,575 --> 00:25:40,329 Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking. 385 00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:41,564 Really, Maria? 386 00:25:41,655 --> 00:25:42,724 Yes. 387 00:25:43,495 --> 00:25:46,293 I used to work in the Acad�mie fran�aise. 388 00:25:46,815 --> 00:25:48,965 But it didn't do me any good at all. 389 00:25:49,295 --> 00:25:53,573 I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid... 390 00:25:54,095 --> 00:25:57,053 but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall. 391 00:25:57,615 --> 00:26:02,086 And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key... 392 00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:06,170 but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library. 393 00:26:06,975 --> 00:26:10,854 In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue. 394 00:26:11,455 --> 00:26:15,733 I worked there from 9:00 till 6:00, read every volume through... 395 00:26:16,495 --> 00:26:20,329 but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. 396 00:26:20,935 --> 00:26:25,008 I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. 397 00:26:25,295 --> 00:26:29,527 Till eventually, me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad. 398 00:26:30,015 --> 00:26:32,688 So now, I'm cleaning up in here. 399 00:26:34,095 --> 00:26:36,245 But I can't be really sad... 400 00:26:36,455 --> 00:26:39,731 'cause you see, I feel that life's a game. 401 00:26:40,175 --> 00:26:42,689 You sometimes win or lose... 402 00:26:42,975 --> 00:26:45,728 and though I may be down right now... 403 00:26:45,895 --> 00:26:48,773 at least I don't work for Jews. 404 00:26:53,455 --> 00:26:54,683 I'm so sorry. 405 00:26:54,935 --> 00:26:58,894 I had no idea we had a racist working here. 406 00:26:59,015 --> 00:27:02,849 I apologise most sincerely. I mean... 407 00:27:04,735 --> 00:27:07,408 Where are you going? No, I can explain. 408 00:27:11,775 --> 00:27:12,890 As for me... 409 00:27:14,055 --> 00:27:17,570 if you want to know what I think, I'll show you something. 410 00:27:20,015 --> 00:27:22,893 GASTON: Come with me. MA�TRE D': I was saying that... 411 00:27:24,095 --> 00:27:25,574 MA�TRE D': Hello? GASTON: Come on. 412 00:27:26,335 --> 00:27:27,484 MA�TRE D': Hello? 413 00:27:31,535 --> 00:27:32,854 This way. 414 00:27:37,175 --> 00:27:38,813 Come on. Don't be shy. 415 00:27:40,095 --> 00:27:42,165 Mind the stairs, all right? 416 00:27:46,535 --> 00:27:48,571 I think this will help explain. 417 00:27:55,655 --> 00:27:57,088 Come along. 418 00:28:00,335 --> 00:28:01,404 Over here. 419 00:28:12,375 --> 00:28:14,047 Come on. Come on. 420 00:28:16,015 --> 00:28:17,892 [Car tyres screech] 421 00:28:18,575 --> 00:28:19,849 This way. 422 00:28:19,935 --> 00:28:21,334 [Horns honk and tyres screech] 423 00:28:23,495 --> 00:28:24,723 Come on. 424 00:28:28,655 --> 00:28:29,929 This way. 425 00:28:31,855 --> 00:28:33,208 Stay by me? 426 00:28:36,295 --> 00:28:37,933 Nearly there now. 427 00:28:38,015 --> 00:28:41,485 [Gentle piano music] 428 00:28:47,495 --> 00:28:48,928 You see that? 429 00:28:51,575 --> 00:28:53,531 That's where I was born. 430 00:28:55,735 --> 00:28:57,885 You know, one day... 431 00:28:58,415 --> 00:29:01,452 my mother put me on her knee and she said to me: 432 00:29:02,895 --> 00:29:04,533 "Gaston, my son. 433 00:29:05,335 --> 00:29:08,168 "The world is a beautiful place. 434 00:29:09,255 --> 00:29:12,884 "You must go into it and love everyone. 435 00:29:14,615 --> 00:29:16,685 "Try to make everyone happy... 436 00:29:17,655 --> 00:29:21,967 "and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go." 437 00:29:23,415 --> 00:29:25,212 So I became a waiter. 438 00:29:33,575 --> 00:29:37,204 It's not much of a philosophy, I know. 439 00:29:41,175 --> 00:29:44,804 Fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. 440 00:29:45,975 --> 00:29:47,249 Fuck off. 441 00:29:49,375 --> 00:29:51,047 Don't come followin' me! 442 00:30:02,975 --> 00:30:05,250 [Gloomy instrumental music] 443 00:30:05,335 --> 00:30:08,805 [Seagull cries] 444 00:30:22,095 --> 00:30:25,565 [Dramatic fasted-paced instrumental music] 445 00:30:26,495 --> 00:30:28,372 NARRATOR: This man is about to die. 446 00:30:28,855 --> 00:30:31,494 In a few moments now, he will be killed... 447 00:30:31,775 --> 00:30:34,369 for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal... 448 00:30:34,455 --> 00:30:38,528 who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution. 449 00:30:42,015 --> 00:30:43,243 There he is! 450 00:30:57,415 --> 00:31:01,772 GOVERNOR: "Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett... 451 00:31:02,815 --> 00:31:06,444 "you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true... 452 00:31:06,735 --> 00:31:11,172 "of the crime of first-degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes... 453 00:31:11,575 --> 00:31:13,213 "in a moving picture." 454 00:31:13,895 --> 00:31:15,965 [Sweeping instrumental music] 455 00:31:20,455 --> 00:31:23,925 [Women panting] 456 00:31:37,415 --> 00:31:40,885 [Climactic instrumental music] 457 00:31:49,335 --> 00:31:51,974 "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." 458 00:31:56,255 --> 00:31:59,167 MALE LEAF: [Crying] It's no good. I just can't go on. 459 00:32:00,055 --> 00:32:01,807 I'm no good anymore. 460 00:32:02,775 --> 00:32:04,572 I want to end it all! 461 00:32:05,295 --> 00:32:07,286 Good-bye! Good-bye! 462 00:32:07,775 --> 00:32:11,245 [Leaf screaming] 463 00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:17,328 FEMALE LEAF: Oh, my God! 464 00:32:18,135 --> 00:32:19,534 Oh, no! 465 00:32:20,615 --> 00:32:23,732 What'll I do? I can't live without him! 466 00:32:26,375 --> 00:32:28,650 [Female leaf screaming] 467 00:32:29,535 --> 00:32:31,810 BOY LEAF: Mummy! GIRL LEAF: Mum, where are you? 468 00:32:31,895 --> 00:32:34,648 BOY LEAF: Daddy? Mummy? 469 00:32:34,815 --> 00:32:35,804 GIRL LEAF: Mummy? 470 00:32:37,895 --> 00:32:40,568 [Girl and boy leaves screaming] 471 00:32:43,255 --> 00:32:44,529 [All leaves screaming together] 472 00:32:52,415 --> 00:32:55,885 [Church bell chimes] 473 00:33:00,575 --> 00:33:04,045 [Wind howls] 474 00:33:15,135 --> 00:33:18,810 [Eerie music] 475 00:33:39,975 --> 00:33:40,964 Yes? 476 00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:44,613 Is it about the hedge? 477 00:33:47,295 --> 00:33:50,731 GEOFF: I'm awfully sorry, but... REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper. 478 00:33:50,815 --> 00:33:51,884 Who? 479 00:33:51,975 --> 00:33:54,535 REAPER: The Grim Reaper. GEOFF: Yes, I see. 480 00:33:54,935 --> 00:33:57,085 REAPER: I am death. 481 00:33:57,815 --> 00:34:00,932 Well, we have some people from America for dinner tonight... 482 00:34:01,015 --> 00:34:03,483 ANGELA: Who is it, darling? GEOFF: A Mr. Death or something. 483 00:34:03,575 --> 00:34:06,772 He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any now. 484 00:34:06,855 --> 00:34:09,847 Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside. Ask him in. 485 00:34:09,935 --> 00:34:13,405 - I don't think it's quite the moment. - Do come in. Come and have a drink. 486 00:34:13,495 --> 00:34:14,928 Do. Come on. 487 00:34:16,175 --> 00:34:18,166 [Dinner guests murmuring quietly] 488 00:34:18,455 --> 00:34:20,969 It's one of the little men from the village. 489 00:34:21,575 --> 00:34:23,327 Do come in. Please. 490 00:34:24,095 --> 00:34:27,087 This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia. 491 00:34:27,415 --> 00:34:29,804 - And his wife, Debbie. - Hello there. 492 00:34:30,535 --> 00:34:33,493 And these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona. 493 00:34:33,575 --> 00:34:34,530 Good evening. 494 00:34:34,615 --> 00:34:36,128 This is Mr. Death. 495 00:34:37,415 --> 00:34:40,885 [Eerie instrumental music] 496 00:34:43,455 --> 00:34:46,094 ANGELA: Well, do get Mr. Death a drink. GEOFF: Yes. 497 00:34:47,135 --> 00:34:48,966 Mr. Death is a reaper. 498 00:34:49,535 --> 00:34:52,368 REAPER: The Grim Reaper. 499 00:34:52,855 --> 00:34:54,925 Hardly surprising in this weather. 500 00:34:55,015 --> 00:34:56,607 [Dinner guests laugh] 501 00:34:57,535 --> 00:35:00,095 So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death? 502 00:35:00,175 --> 00:35:04,088 REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper. 503 00:35:04,815 --> 00:35:07,887 That's about all he says. There's your drink, Mr. Death. 504 00:35:08,055 --> 00:35:09,204 Do sit down. 505 00:35:09,295 --> 00:35:13,174 We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the third... 506 00:35:17,015 --> 00:35:20,564 Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer. 507 00:35:20,815 --> 00:35:22,612 The Stilton's awfully good. 508 00:35:23,455 --> 00:35:28,483 REAPER: I am not of this world. 509 00:35:28,575 --> 00:35:30,167 [Eerie instrumental music] 510 00:35:31,255 --> 00:35:32,370 GEOFF: Good Lord. 511 00:35:33,055 --> 00:35:35,694 REAPER: I am death. 512 00:35:39,735 --> 00:35:41,054 Isn't that extraordinary? 513 00:35:41,135 --> 00:35:43,410 We were talking about death five minutes ago. 514 00:35:43,495 --> 00:35:47,283 Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end... 515 00:35:47,375 --> 00:35:50,048 As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is... 516 00:35:50,135 --> 00:35:52,695 and one hates to use words like soul or spirit... 517 00:35:52,775 --> 00:35:55,369 - What other words can one use? - Exactly. 518 00:35:55,455 --> 00:35:58,970 REAPER: You do not understand. 519 00:36:00,655 --> 00:36:02,566 No. Obviously not. 520 00:36:02,655 --> 00:36:05,453 HOWARD: I'll tell you something, Mr. Death. REAPER: You don't... 521 00:36:05,535 --> 00:36:07,924 I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here... 522 00:36:08,015 --> 00:36:10,245 what a really unique experience this is. 523 00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:13,372 - Hear, hear. - We're so delighted that you dropped in. 524 00:36:13,775 --> 00:36:18,690 - Can I just finish, please? - Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife? 525 00:36:19,655 --> 00:36:23,011 - If you could wait, please... - You sure you wouldn't like some sherry... 526 00:36:23,095 --> 00:36:25,325 HOWARD: Angela, I'd like to say this, please. 527 00:36:25,495 --> 00:36:27,690 REAPER: Quiet! HOWARD: Can I just say this, please? 528 00:36:27,775 --> 00:36:31,973 REAPER: Silence! I have come for you. 529 00:36:34,495 --> 00:36:38,852 ANGELA: You mean to... REAPER: Take you away. 530 00:36:40,335 --> 00:36:43,372 That is my purpose. 531 00:36:44,895 --> 00:36:48,365 I am death. 532 00:36:50,455 --> 00:36:53,413 Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it? 533 00:36:53,495 --> 00:36:56,612 I don't see it that way, Geoff. I think we're dealing with... 534 00:36:56,695 --> 00:36:59,607 a potentially positive learning experience that can... 535 00:36:59,695 --> 00:37:02,448 REAPER: Shut up! Shut up, you American. 536 00:37:02,535 --> 00:37:05,129 You always talk, you Americans. 537 00:37:05,575 --> 00:37:08,043 You talk and you talk and you say: 538 00:37:08,455 --> 00:37:13,085 "Let me tell you something," and, "I just wanna say this." 539 00:37:13,295 --> 00:37:16,526 REAPER: Well, you're dead now, so shut up! 540 00:37:17,095 --> 00:37:19,404 HOWARD: Dead? REAPER: Dead. 541 00:37:21,335 --> 00:37:24,372 ANGELA: All of us? REAPER: All of you. 542 00:37:26,935 --> 00:37:30,245 Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses... 543 00:37:30,335 --> 00:37:32,849 then announce quite casually that we're all dead. 544 00:37:32,935 --> 00:37:35,733 I'd remind you that you're a guest in this house... 545 00:37:36,015 --> 00:37:37,130 REAPER: Be quiet! 546 00:37:37,455 --> 00:37:41,050 Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous! 547 00:37:42,095 --> 00:37:44,370 None of you have got any balls. 548 00:37:46,095 --> 00:37:48,655 DEBBIE: Can I ask you a question? REAPER: What? 549 00:37:49,015 --> 00:37:51,813 How can we all have died at the same time? 550 00:38:04,255 --> 00:38:06,644 REAPER: The salmon mousse. 551 00:38:07,695 --> 00:38:10,448 Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you? 552 00:38:11,095 --> 00:38:13,814 ANGELA: I'm most dreadfully embarrassed. 553 00:38:14,735 --> 00:38:18,045 REAPER: Now the time has come. 554 00:38:19,455 --> 00:38:20,490 Follow. 555 00:38:22,335 --> 00:38:23,654 Follow me. 556 00:38:37,375 --> 00:38:39,730 Just testing. Sorry. 557 00:38:41,615 --> 00:38:44,607 REAPER: Follow me. Now. 558 00:38:51,255 --> 00:38:52,370 Come. 559 00:38:56,135 --> 00:38:58,729 ANGELA: The fishmonger promised me he'd have fresh salmon. 560 00:38:58,815 --> 00:39:00,806 He's normally so reliable. 561 00:39:00,895 --> 00:39:03,693 JEREMY: Can we take our glasses? FIONA: Good idea. 562 00:39:07,255 --> 00:39:09,610 DEBBIE: Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse. 563 00:39:14,815 --> 00:39:17,090 ANGELA: Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. 564 00:39:17,175 --> 00:39:18,574 It really is embarrassing. 565 00:39:18,655 --> 00:39:22,773 To serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death. 566 00:39:24,535 --> 00:39:27,129 JEREMY: Shall we take our cars? GEOFF: Why not? 567 00:39:27,815 --> 00:39:28,884 DEBBIE: Good idea. 568 00:39:32,175 --> 00:39:35,645 [Car engines start] 569 00:39:40,135 --> 00:39:43,605 [Eerie instrumental music] 570 00:39:47,095 --> 00:39:50,565 [Dramatic instrumental and choral music] 571 00:40:04,335 --> 00:40:07,771 REAPER: Behold paradise. 572 00:40:09,695 --> 00:40:13,290 - I love it here, darling. - Me, too, Marvin. 573 00:40:13,775 --> 00:40:16,209 Hello. Welcome to Heaven. 574 00:40:16,295 --> 00:40:19,765 [Insipid hotel lobby music] 575 00:40:25,055 --> 00:40:27,808 Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir? 576 00:40:28,735 --> 00:40:32,489 Thank you. There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant. 577 00:40:32,775 --> 00:40:36,848 - For the ladies. - Afterlife mints. Thank you. 578 00:40:36,935 --> 00:40:39,403 CLERK: Happy Christmas. DEBBIE: Is it Christmas today? 579 00:40:39,495 --> 00:40:42,771 Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven. 580 00:40:43,815 --> 00:40:45,612 DEBBIE: How about that? HOWARD: Lovely. 581 00:40:52,495 --> 00:40:55,965 [Guests greet newcomers to Heaven] 582 00:41:06,295 --> 00:41:07,523 [Drum roll] 583 00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:19,485 [Uplifting instrumental music] 584 00:41:28,735 --> 00:41:30,612 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 585 00:41:30,695 --> 00:41:34,688 It's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening... 586 00:41:35,215 --> 00:41:37,490 a very wonderful and warm... 587 00:41:37,615 --> 00:41:39,890 and emotional moment for all of us. 588 00:41:40,775 --> 00:41:45,246 And I'd like to sing a song for all of you. 589 00:41:49,575 --> 00:41:53,124 [Singing] It's Christmas in Heaven 590 00:41:53,535 --> 00:41:56,686 All the children sing 591 00:41:56,935 --> 00:41:59,449 It's Christmas in Heaven 592 00:41:59,855 --> 00:42:03,609 Hark, hark, those church bells ring 593 00:42:03,775 --> 00:42:06,812 It's Christmas in Heaven 594 00:42:06,975 --> 00:42:10,012 The snow falls from the sky 595 00:42:10,455 --> 00:42:12,491 But it's nice and warm 596 00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:16,853 And everyone looks smart and wears a tie 597 00:42:22,735 --> 00:42:25,966 It's Christmas in Heaven 598 00:42:26,255 --> 00:42:28,928 There's great films on TC 599 00:42:29,775 --> 00:42:33,051 The Sound of Music twice an hour 600 00:42:33,215 --> 00:42:36,127 And Jaws I, II and III 601 00:42:36,735 --> 00:42:40,125 There's gifts for all the family 602 00:42:40,295 --> 00:42:43,207 There's toiletries and trains 603 00:42:43,775 --> 00:42:46,892 There's Sony Walkman headphone sets 604 00:42:47,335 --> 00:42:50,327 And the latest video games 605 00:42:50,895 --> 00:42:54,410 It's Christmas in Heaven 606 00:42:54,935 --> 00:42:57,574 Hip-hip-hooray 607 00:42:57,655 --> 00:43:02,683 Every single day is Christmas Day 608 00:43:05,015 --> 00:43:08,007 It's Christmas in Heaven 609 00:43:11,455 --> 00:43:14,731 Every single day is... 610 00:43:18,895 --> 00:43:21,807 That's the end of the film. Now here's the meaning of life. 611 00:43:23,495 --> 00:43:24,928 Thank you, Brigitte. 612 00:43:29,415 --> 00:43:32,566 It's nothing special. "Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. 613 00:43:32,655 --> 00:43:35,123 "Read a good book now and then. Get some walking in. 614 00:43:35,215 --> 00:43:39,003 "Try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations." 615 00:43:39,095 --> 00:43:42,849 Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors... 616 00:43:42,935 --> 00:43:46,245 and hopefully spark controversy, which is the only way... 617 00:43:46,335 --> 00:43:50,374 to get the jaded video-sated public off their asses and back in the cinema. 618 00:43:50,855 --> 00:43:53,653 Family entertainment? Bollocks. They want filth: 619 00:43:53,855 --> 00:43:56,415 People doing things to each other with chain saws. 620 00:43:56,495 --> 00:43:59,965 Babysitters stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates. 621 00:44:00,055 --> 00:44:01,932 Vigilante groups strangling chickens. 622 00:44:02,015 --> 00:44:04,768 Armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. 623 00:44:04,855 --> 00:44:06,686 Where's the fun in pictures? 624 00:44:06,775 --> 00:44:09,209 Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. 625 00:44:09,295 --> 00:44:10,444 Good night. 626 00:44:10,535 --> 00:44:14,005 [Monty Python instrumental theme music] 627 00:44:24,895 --> 00:44:28,365 [Singing light-hearted song] 628 00:46:34,095 --> 00:46:35,369 Subtitles by Softitler 629 00:46:54,309 --> 00:46:56,584 An exciting and controversial examination... 630 00:46:56,669 --> 00:46:58,705 of the Protestant reformer whose reassessment... 631 00:46:58,789 --> 00:47:01,064 of the role of the individual in Christian belief... 632 00:47:01,149 --> 00:47:03,504 shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany... 633 00:47:03,589 --> 00:47:05,819 in the grip of the 16th century. 634 00:47:10,389 --> 00:47:13,859 It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of Wittenberg. 635 00:47:13,949 --> 00:47:16,417 Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal... 636 00:47:16,509 --> 00:47:19,467 when the full force of the Reformation struck. 637 00:47:19,549 --> 00:47:21,540 Mamie! Martin Luther's out! 638 00:47:22,349 --> 00:47:23,828 Martin Luther! 639 00:47:30,909 --> 00:47:32,342 Did you get the suet, Hymie? 640 00:47:32,429 --> 00:47:34,465 Oy vey! The suet! I clean forgot. 641 00:47:34,709 --> 00:47:36,222 The suet? You forgot? 642 00:47:36,309 --> 00:47:38,027 The lard, the fish oil, the butterfat... 643 00:47:38,109 --> 00:47:41,021 the dripping, the wool grease I remembered, but the suet... 644 00:47:41,109 --> 00:47:43,065 So what do you keep up here? Adipose tissue? 645 00:47:44,149 --> 00:47:45,468 Look out, here he comes! 646 00:47:45,549 --> 00:47:47,540 Girls, girls! Your father forgot the suet! 647 00:47:49,069 --> 00:47:50,058 Hello, Martin. 648 00:47:50,309 --> 00:47:52,265 - Where's the john? - We don't have one. 649 00:47:52,789 --> 00:47:54,188 No john? What do you do? 650 00:47:54,429 --> 00:47:55,418 We eat fat. 651 00:47:55,909 --> 00:47:57,706 And that stops you going to the john? 652 00:47:57,789 --> 00:47:58,824 It's a theory. 653 00:47:58,909 --> 00:48:00,228 Yeah, but does it work? 654 00:48:00,549 --> 00:48:03,143 - We ain't got no john. - Yeah, but do you need to go? 655 00:48:03,229 --> 00:48:04,867 You know how it is with theories. 656 00:48:04,949 --> 00:48:07,099 Some days they're fine, one, two, three days... 657 00:48:07,189 --> 00:48:09,544 then when it looks like you're ready to publish... 658 00:48:09,629 --> 00:48:11,142 whoosh! You need a new kitchen floor. 659 00:48:11,229 --> 00:48:12,503 Oh, you should be so lucky! 660 00:48:14,269 --> 00:48:17,500 - Do you need any cleaning inside? - No, today it's all going fine. 661 00:48:17,909 --> 00:48:19,661 How about showing me the cutlery? 662 00:48:19,829 --> 00:48:22,297 Martin. I've got a woman and children in there. 663 00:48:22,549 --> 00:48:25,621 So, there's no problem. I just look at a few spoons. 664 00:48:25,709 --> 00:48:28,462 I've got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean. 665 00:48:28,549 --> 00:48:31,825 Honest. I don't look at your girls. I don't think about them. 666 00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:34,104 There! I put them out of my mind. 667 00:48:34,189 --> 00:48:38,341 Their arms, their necks, their little legs and bosoms, I wipe from my mind. 668 00:48:39,789 --> 00:48:43,748 - You just want to see the spoons? - My life. That's what I want to see. 669 00:48:46,149 --> 00:48:48,424 - I know I'm going to regret this. - No, listen! 670 00:48:48,629 --> 00:48:50,381 Cutlery is really my thing now. 671 00:48:50,589 --> 00:48:53,467 Girls with round breasts is over for me. 672 00:48:54,029 --> 00:48:56,145 What am I doing? I know what's going to happen. 673 00:48:56,229 --> 00:48:57,867 I'll crouch behind you. 674 00:49:01,189 --> 00:49:03,419 Mamie! Guess who's come to see us? 675 00:49:03,509 --> 00:49:05,977 Hymie! Are you out of your mind already? 676 00:49:06,269 --> 00:49:08,146 You know how old your daughters are! 677 00:49:08,229 --> 00:49:09,708 He only wants to see the spoons. 678 00:49:09,789 --> 00:49:12,064 What'd you have to bring him into my house for? 679 00:49:12,149 --> 00:49:13,980 Mamie, he doesn't think about girls anymore. 680 00:49:14,069 --> 00:49:17,106 Mrs. Meyer, as far as girls is concerned... 681 00:49:17,429 --> 00:49:18,657 I shot my wad. 682 00:49:19,069 --> 00:49:21,981 - You shot your wad? - Definitely. 683 00:49:22,309 --> 00:49:24,027 Which spoons do you want to view? 684 00:49:24,109 --> 00:49:27,226 - I guess the soup spoons. - Now, they're good spoons. 685 00:49:27,309 --> 00:49:30,028 - Got them arranged? - No, but I could arrange them for you. 686 00:49:30,109 --> 00:49:32,179 Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer. 687 00:49:32,269 --> 00:49:34,544 It's no bother. I want you to see these spoons... 688 00:49:34,629 --> 00:49:37,018 like I would want to see them myself. 689 00:49:37,109 --> 00:49:38,622 You're too kind, Mrs. Meyer. 690 00:49:39,029 --> 00:49:41,224 You could get your daughters to show me them. 691 00:49:41,309 --> 00:49:43,379 Hymie! Get him out of here! 692 00:49:43,469 --> 00:49:46,506 Mamie, he only said for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons. 693 00:49:46,589 --> 00:49:49,228 Like you think I'm running some kind of bordello here... 694 00:49:49,309 --> 00:49:51,698 Mrs. Meyer, how can you say such a thing? 695 00:49:51,789 --> 00:49:54,826 Listen, Martin Luther, I know what you want to do with my girls. 696 00:49:54,909 --> 00:49:56,058 Show me the spoons. 697 00:49:56,149 --> 00:50:00,108 You want them to pull up their skirts and lean over a chair with their legs apart... 698 00:50:00,189 --> 00:50:01,338 Mamie, don't get excited. 699 00:50:01,429 --> 00:50:03,465 I'm getting excited? It's him that's excited. 700 00:50:03,549 --> 00:50:05,665 My mind is on the spoons. 701 00:50:05,749 --> 00:50:08,582 But you can't stop thinking of those girls over the chairs. 702 00:50:08,669 --> 00:50:09,658 I need to use the bathroom. 703 00:50:09,749 --> 00:50:11,660 Hymie, I'm a married woman! 704 00:50:11,749 --> 00:50:13,785 So just show him the spoons. 705 00:50:14,029 --> 00:50:16,065 You don't want to put nothing up me? 706 00:50:17,349 --> 00:50:19,738 Mrs. Meyer, you read my mind. 707 00:50:21,189 --> 00:50:23,908 Yes, another convert for the Protestants. 708 00:50:24,029 --> 00:50:27,066 But despite Luther's efforts to promote sex for pleasure... 709 00:50:27,389 --> 00:50:29,664 children multiplied everywhere.