1 00:01:22,629 --> 00:01:24,290 Thorny. 2 00:01:32,439 --> 00:01:34,805 You call this a report card? 3 00:01:34,841 --> 00:01:37,605 What kind of marks is these? 4 00:01:37,644 --> 00:01:40,613 How you gonna go to college with marks like these? 5 00:01:40,647 --> 00:01:41,909 I don't want to go to college. 6 00:01:41,948 --> 00:01:43,609 I want to work in the shop with you. 7 00:01:43,650 --> 00:01:45,413 You want to work in the shop with me, huh? 8 00:01:45,452 --> 00:01:47,317 Listen to me. 9 00:01:47,354 --> 00:01:50,118 I said it once, and I'll say it again... 10 00:01:50,157 --> 00:01:52,955 I don't care how rich or successful a man is... 11 00:01:52,993 --> 00:01:55,894 if he don't got an education, he's got nothing. 12 00:01:55,929 --> 00:01:58,898 - I tried, Pop. I can't do it. - Then try harder! 13 00:02:04,171 --> 00:02:07,732 You can do anything in life you want to do. 14 00:02:07,774 --> 00:02:11,938 Remember... you're a Meloni. 15 00:04:22,275 --> 00:04:24,243 Hi there. Are you a large person? 16 00:04:24,277 --> 00:04:26,905 Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps? 17 00:04:26,947 --> 00:04:29,279 Well, let's face it. Are you fat? 18 00:04:29,316 --> 00:04:31,284 When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? 19 00:04:31,318 --> 00:04:33,513 When you make love, do you have to give directions? 20 00:04:33,553 --> 00:04:35,817 At the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts? 21 00:04:35,855 --> 00:04:37,880 Do you look at a menu and say, "OK"? 22 00:04:37,924 --> 00:04:39,721 Well, now you can eat all you want... 23 00:04:39,759 --> 00:04:41,693 because at Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat stores... 24 00:04:41,728 --> 00:04:42,956 we've got you covered. 25 00:04:42,996 --> 00:04:45,556 That's right... fine woolen and woolen blend suits... 26 00:04:45,599 --> 00:04:47,726 and sport coats in all the larger sizes... 27 00:04:47,767 --> 00:04:51,464 husky, stout, extra-stout and the new Hindenburg line. 28 00:04:51,504 --> 00:04:54,064 And for you ladies, we have caftans, muumuus... 29 00:04:54,107 --> 00:04:57,099 and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns. 30 00:04:57,143 --> 00:04:59,703 Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric. 31 00:04:59,746 --> 00:05:01,714 So take it from me, Thornton Melon... 32 00:05:01,748 --> 00:05:05,240 if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people. 33 00:05:05,285 --> 00:05:09,016 Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat... 150 locations across America. 34 00:05:09,055 --> 00:05:11,580 Lou, did you see the new spot? 35 00:05:11,625 --> 00:05:12,751 Yeah, I seen it. 36 00:05:12,792 --> 00:05:14,089 Do I look fat in it? 37 00:05:14,127 --> 00:05:15,788 You could lose a couple of pounds. 38 00:05:15,829 --> 00:05:19,128 I gotta get bigger actors. 39 00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:25,034 Pocahontas, how are you? Ophelia, hold some of my calls. 40 00:05:25,071 --> 00:05:27,471 Yes, sir, Mr. Melon. 41 00:05:30,477 --> 00:05:31,444 Good morning, everyone. 42 00:05:31,478 --> 00:05:33,605 Morning. 43 00:05:33,647 --> 00:05:35,308 Take it easy, will ya? 44 00:05:35,348 --> 00:05:38,840 And don't get any on the walls. 45 00:05:38,885 --> 00:05:41,046 OK, folks. What's up? 46 00:05:41,087 --> 00:05:43,146 Mr. Melon, we have a serious offer... 47 00:05:43,189 --> 00:05:46,158 on your commercial property in south Florida... 48 00:05:46,192 --> 00:05:48,183 and we feel you should sell. 49 00:05:48,228 --> 00:05:50,992 No. Hold it for one more year, take the depreciation... 50 00:05:51,031 --> 00:05:53,591 then transfer title to the California Corporation. 51 00:05:53,633 --> 00:05:55,828 Show it as a capital gain. We should do great. 52 00:05:58,672 --> 00:05:59,866 What else? 53 00:05:59,906 --> 00:06:02,170 The toy division has come up with a new doll idea... 54 00:06:02,208 --> 00:06:04,836 to go along with our children's clothing line. 55 00:06:04,878 --> 00:06:07,676 We call them Melon Patch Kids. 56 00:06:07,714 --> 00:06:10,012 Now, the competition exploits the notion... 57 00:06:10,050 --> 00:06:12,780 that their dolls are orphans. 58 00:06:12,819 --> 00:06:16,050 The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans. 59 00:06:16,089 --> 00:06:18,250 They're abandoned. 60 00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:19,758 We think it's a winner. 61 00:06:19,793 --> 00:06:21,090 OK, go with it. 62 00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:23,493 But keep the unit cost under five bucks. 63 00:06:23,530 --> 00:06:26,693 Last year, we took a bath on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys. 64 00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:29,167 - Jason's on the phone. - Jason. 65 00:06:29,202 --> 00:06:31,727 OK, everybody, take a break. 66 00:06:31,771 --> 00:06:35,901 Excuse me, Mr. Melon, but we have a very long agenda. 67 00:06:35,942 --> 00:06:39,070 - Later. My son's on the phone. - But, Mr. Melon! 68 00:06:39,112 --> 00:06:41,103 Beat it, punk. 69 00:06:43,950 --> 00:06:45,110 Jason, how are you? 70 00:06:45,151 --> 00:06:47,085 How you doin'? How's the diving going? 71 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,884 Oh, it's great. We just finished up practice. 72 00:06:49,923 --> 00:06:52,118 Oh, keep it up, keep it up! And the fraternity... 73 00:06:52,158 --> 00:06:54,126 I'll bet you're having fun in the fraternity, huh? 74 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,220 What do you think? Yeah, it's great. 75 00:06:57,263 --> 00:06:58,855 Oh, that's great. 76 00:06:58,898 --> 00:07:01,458 You're not doing too much, are you? You studying? 77 00:07:01,501 --> 00:07:03,765 Well, right now, we're between semesters... 78 00:07:03,803 --> 00:07:05,771 so classes don't start up again for another week. 79 00:07:05,805 --> 00:07:08,069 No classes? Then come home. 80 00:07:08,108 --> 00:07:09,871 Tonight, your mother and I are having a big party. 81 00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:11,274 It's our fifth anniversary. 82 00:07:11,311 --> 00:07:15,577 Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother, she's your wife... 83 00:07:15,615 --> 00:07:17,776 and I don't get the feeling she wants me around. 84 00:07:17,817 --> 00:07:20,308 OK, let's not start that again. 85 00:07:20,353 --> 00:07:22,651 I'll tell you what. I'll come up there to see you. 86 00:07:22,689 --> 00:07:24,657 No. Bad. Bad idea. 87 00:07:24,691 --> 00:07:26,682 I got this big dive meet coming up. 88 00:07:26,726 --> 00:07:29,058 I gotta practice. I wouldn't have any time to see you. 89 00:07:29,095 --> 00:07:32,121 - It's a rotten time. - OK. I understand. 90 00:07:32,165 --> 00:07:33,325 Look, Dad, I promise... 91 00:07:33,366 --> 00:07:35,630 I'll come down for a visit next break I get, OK? 92 00:07:35,668 --> 00:07:38,569 All right? Look, I gotta go, OK? 93 00:07:38,605 --> 00:07:39,731 OK, Jason. 94 00:07:39,773 --> 00:07:41,798 Take care of yourself. I love you. 95 00:07:41,841 --> 00:07:44,867 Yeah, I love you, too. All right. Bye-bye. 96 00:07:44,911 --> 00:07:46,879 Melon, I told you to clean my locker. 97 00:07:46,913 --> 00:07:48,505 If it's too much for you... 98 00:07:48,548 --> 00:07:50,379 we'll get ourselves a new towel boy. 99 00:07:50,416 --> 00:07:54,477 Right. Look, I'm sorry, Chas. I'll get on it as soon as I can. 100 00:08:11,404 --> 00:08:12,632 Home sweet home. 101 00:08:12,672 --> 00:08:15,470 - I liked the old house better. - So did I. 102 00:08:15,508 --> 00:08:17,135 I liked the old wife better, too. 103 00:08:17,177 --> 00:08:20,112 Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. 104 00:08:20,146 --> 00:08:22,273 Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. 105 00:08:22,315 --> 00:08:24,215 Seems like yesterday. 106 00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:26,775 And you know what a lousy day yesterday was. 107 00:08:31,558 --> 00:08:34,391 Please don't throw your clothes on the Breuer chair. 108 00:08:34,427 --> 00:08:37,362 How come all our furniture has names? 109 00:08:37,397 --> 00:08:39,865 I have absolutely nothing to wear. 110 00:08:39,899 --> 00:08:42,060 You got six closets full of nothing to wear. 111 00:08:42,101 --> 00:08:44,968 Are you saying I spend too much money? 112 00:08:45,004 --> 00:08:46,869 You, spend too much money? No. 113 00:08:46,906 --> 00:08:50,637 Lots of people go to Switzerland to get their watch fixed. 114 00:08:50,677 --> 00:08:53,407 You have no taste, Thornton. 115 00:08:53,446 --> 00:08:55,505 You're right. I married you, didn't I? 116 00:08:55,548 --> 00:08:56,845 I don't have time to argue. 117 00:08:56,883 --> 00:08:58,350 Our friends will be here any minute. 118 00:08:58,384 --> 00:08:59,715 You mean your friends. 119 00:08:59,752 --> 00:09:02,619 They are my friends, and I'd like to keep them. 120 00:09:02,655 --> 00:09:04,555 So please, just behave yourself tonight. 121 00:09:04,591 --> 00:09:07,492 Don't worry. If the roast beef is right, they'll be back. 122 00:09:12,866 --> 00:09:15,130 Jennifer, you look divine. 123 00:09:15,168 --> 00:09:18,001 And, Peter, I thought you were still in Portofino. 124 00:09:18,037 --> 00:09:20,904 Why haven't you called? 125 00:09:20,940 --> 00:09:23,534 - She's a lovely gal. - Oh, yes, she is. 126 00:09:23,576 --> 00:09:26,204 Oh, Ramon, you look fantastic. 127 00:09:26,246 --> 00:09:28,544 I thought you were still in Tijuana. 128 00:09:28,581 --> 00:09:31,641 - Excuse me, se�or? - Nothing. It's all right. 129 00:09:31,684 --> 00:09:34,209 - Gimme a beer. - I'm sorry, se�or. 130 00:09:34,254 --> 00:09:37,087 All we have is martinis and champagne. 131 00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:39,353 My own house, I can't get a beer. 132 00:09:39,392 --> 00:09:42,884 Mrs. Melon gave us strict orders... no cerveza. 133 00:09:42,929 --> 00:09:45,295 It's all right. I'll get it myself. 134 00:10:02,181 --> 00:10:03,648 Hey! Adam and evil. 135 00:10:06,286 --> 00:10:08,151 Mr. Melon. 136 00:10:08,187 --> 00:10:10,087 We was just... 137 00:10:10,123 --> 00:10:13,115 Iooking for some cocktail napkins. 138 00:10:13,159 --> 00:10:14,956 Where? Under her dress? 139 00:10:14,994 --> 00:10:16,791 You're impossible. 140 00:10:16,829 --> 00:10:18,160 And you're easy. 141 00:10:22,302 --> 00:10:24,702 I love Klimt, don't you? 142 00:10:24,737 --> 00:10:27,900 Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt. 143 00:10:27,941 --> 00:10:30,842 You too, huh? She's showin' it to everybody. 144 00:10:30,877 --> 00:10:33,107 - She's very proud of it. - I'm proud of mine, too. 145 00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:35,239 I don't wave it around at parties. 146 00:10:35,281 --> 00:10:37,772 - It's an exceptional painting. - Oh, the painting. 147 00:10:37,817 --> 00:10:40,479 Yeah. Drink up, enjoy yourself, huh? 148 00:10:45,959 --> 00:10:48,189 I hate small food, you know? 149 00:11:12,452 --> 00:11:14,420 Hey, buddy, come here, will you? 150 00:11:14,454 --> 00:11:16,388 Put your hand right over there, will you? 151 00:11:16,422 --> 00:11:18,413 I learned this in Europe. 152 00:11:24,797 --> 00:11:27,357 Look out, coming through. Hot stuff. Look out. 153 00:11:29,969 --> 00:11:31,937 I'd like you to meet Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant. 154 00:11:31,971 --> 00:11:33,063 Right, right. 155 00:11:33,106 --> 00:11:34,630 - How do you do? - Thornton! 156 00:11:37,443 --> 00:11:39,741 How you doin'? 157 00:11:42,081 --> 00:11:44,072 Hi there, sir. How are you? 158 00:11:46,552 --> 00:11:49,112 Never mind. I got my own here. It's all right. 159 00:11:51,591 --> 00:11:54,583 Millicent, you look charming. I love your dress. 160 00:11:54,627 --> 00:11:56,492 Don't you, Thornton? 161 00:11:56,529 --> 00:11:58,497 It's such a lovely shade of green. 162 00:11:58,531 --> 00:12:01,898 Yeah. If that dress had pockets, you'd look like a pool table. 163 00:12:01,934 --> 00:12:03,925 You should try my Tall and Fat stores. 164 00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,198 No offense. 165 00:12:08,241 --> 00:12:11,233 May I speak to you privately, please? 166 00:12:15,581 --> 00:12:17,572 Watch my sandwich, will you? 167 00:12:19,118 --> 00:12:21,245 I can't take any more of this! 168 00:12:21,287 --> 00:12:24,085 You've insulted our friends, you've insulted me... 169 00:12:24,123 --> 00:12:26,353 and you've gone out of your way to ruin this party. 170 00:12:26,392 --> 00:12:28,724 Party? Are you kiddin'? It's a dog show out there. 171 00:12:28,761 --> 00:12:31,355 Your friends, they come here for free food, free booze... 172 00:12:31,397 --> 00:12:33,490 and to suck up to you for donations. 173 00:12:33,533 --> 00:12:36,525 You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it. 174 00:12:36,569 --> 00:12:38,036 I want a divorce. 175 00:12:38,071 --> 00:12:40,631 Divorce. I knew we had something in common. 176 00:12:40,673 --> 00:12:42,163 Here, sign these. 177 00:12:44,710 --> 00:12:47,770 I'm afraid it's not gonna be that easy, honey. 178 00:12:47,814 --> 00:12:50,476 This is gonna cost you... plenty! 179 00:12:50,516 --> 00:12:52,711 Oh, yeah? 180 00:12:52,752 --> 00:12:55,277 Let's talk about class a minute, all right? 181 00:12:55,321 --> 00:12:57,289 Here's you and Giorgio in the guest room. 182 00:12:57,323 --> 00:12:58,984 Classy, isn't it? 183 00:12:59,025 --> 00:13:00,856 Here's you and Giorgio in the rumpus room. 184 00:13:00,893 --> 00:13:02,622 Another classy one, huh? 185 00:13:02,662 --> 00:13:05,529 This one I can't figure out. There's you, there's Giorgio... 186 00:13:05,565 --> 00:13:07,658 what's with the midget over here? 187 00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:10,100 Hey, wait! I got more! 188 00:13:22,482 --> 00:13:23,642 What happened in there? 189 00:13:23,683 --> 00:13:25,344 What happened? 190 00:13:25,384 --> 00:13:29,081 I got rid of Vanessa. I feel like I just got paroled. 191 00:13:29,122 --> 00:13:31,317 I'll tell you what bothers me... 192 00:13:31,357 --> 00:13:33,689 I let her come between me and Jason. 193 00:13:33,726 --> 00:13:36,820 Lou, pack our bags. 194 00:13:42,101 --> 00:13:44,535 We're going up to that college to see my son! 195 00:14:21,674 --> 00:14:24,302 Boy, will Jason be surprised. 196 00:14:24,343 --> 00:14:27,312 Look, there's Greek letters. That must be the house. 197 00:14:47,133 --> 00:14:49,067 Is that an "amigo" or a unicorn? 198 00:14:49,101 --> 00:14:51,194 Beats me. Don't you know any Greek? 199 00:14:51,237 --> 00:14:53,330 The only Greek I know owns a coffee shop on State Street. 200 00:14:53,372 --> 00:14:55,897 Jimmy Pitsos, remember him? He had an ugly wife... 201 00:14:55,942 --> 00:14:58,775 four ugly kids, and good coffee. 202 00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:01,245 Wait here, I'll try this one. 203 00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:15,652 Hello, hello! 204 00:15:18,731 --> 00:15:21,222 Anybody here? 205 00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:24,100 Jason, where are you? 206 00:15:24,136 --> 00:15:26,866 Hey, I need some help here! 207 00:15:26,906 --> 00:15:30,137 Buddy, I'm talking to you. I need some help here! 208 00:15:30,176 --> 00:15:33,202 Take it easy, honey! I didn't see a thing. 209 00:15:33,246 --> 00:15:34,941 You're perfect. 210 00:15:34,981 --> 00:15:37,176 You jerk! 211 00:15:37,216 --> 00:15:39,343 Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. 212 00:15:39,385 --> 00:15:41,979 It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a bad day. 213 00:15:42,021 --> 00:15:44,785 Yeah, but a great view. You're all right, officer. 214 00:15:44,824 --> 00:15:46,348 Here, a little something for the kids. 215 00:15:46,392 --> 00:15:48,622 - Take that, it's OK. - I don't have any kids. 216 00:15:48,661 --> 00:15:50,629 No kids? Well, here, get yourself some kids. 217 00:15:50,663 --> 00:15:52,893 Take it all, all right? And just remember... 218 00:15:52,932 --> 00:15:55,457 the best thing about kids is making 'em. 219 00:15:57,270 --> 00:15:59,465 Even if I do manage to graduate... ha ha... 220 00:15:59,505 --> 00:16:01,905 what do I do then? There's the private sector... 221 00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:04,034 but look how bad the job market is. 222 00:16:04,076 --> 00:16:05,475 There's Valerie Desmond. 223 00:16:05,511 --> 00:16:07,274 See you guys. 224 00:16:10,383 --> 00:16:13,079 Look how tight her ass is today. 225 00:16:13,119 --> 00:16:15,815 Oh, man. You think there's any way... 226 00:16:15,855 --> 00:16:18,983 she would ever go out with me? 227 00:16:19,025 --> 00:16:21,323 - No. - Oh, thanks. 228 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,521 It's this whole stupid capitalist system, you know? 229 00:16:23,562 --> 00:16:25,325 It's set up to heap rewards... 230 00:16:25,364 --> 00:16:26,956 on the advantaged and the aggressive... 231 00:16:26,999 --> 00:16:29,024 and to make sure that two regular schmoes... 232 00:16:29,068 --> 00:16:32,936 like you and me never get a date with girls like Valerie Desmond. 233 00:16:32,972 --> 00:16:35,907 I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school. 234 00:16:35,941 --> 00:16:37,909 Let me ask you something else, man. 235 00:16:37,943 --> 00:16:40,173 Do you make this bullshit up as you go along... 236 00:16:40,212 --> 00:16:42,703 - or do you actually read this? - I read this. It's Karl Marx. 237 00:16:42,748 --> 00:16:45,114 Famous book. "Proletarian Chicks in Bondage." 238 00:16:45,151 --> 00:16:47,619 It's a Condom House book. Comes with a leather hood. 239 00:16:47,653 --> 00:16:49,314 Is that the one with the pictures? 240 00:16:49,355 --> 00:16:50,652 - Can I borrow that? - Let's move on. 241 00:16:50,690 --> 00:16:53,454 Well, no, it's, you know... 242 00:16:53,492 --> 00:16:55,687 Oh, yeah. Well, you know. 243 00:16:57,763 --> 00:17:00,994 Dad, what are you doin' here? 244 00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:03,433 I'm robbin' your room, that's what I'm doin' here. 245 00:17:03,469 --> 00:17:05,232 We drive 300 miles to see the kid... 246 00:17:05,271 --> 00:17:08,331 that's the greeting we get. Come here, will ya? 247 00:17:09,742 --> 00:17:11,642 How ya doin' there? 248 00:17:11,677 --> 00:17:13,941 I'm sorry. I'm really glad to see you... 249 00:17:13,979 --> 00:17:15,742 but I wish I knew you were coming. 250 00:17:15,781 --> 00:17:17,112 I'll bet you did, huh? 251 00:17:17,149 --> 00:17:18,810 I looked for you at that fraternity house. 252 00:17:18,851 --> 00:17:21,183 - They said you weren't a member. - I can explain that. 253 00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:22,551 They also told me you're not on the diving team. 254 00:17:22,588 --> 00:17:24,647 They said you were the towel boy. 255 00:17:24,690 --> 00:17:27,022 - I can explain that, too. - OK, explain it. 256 00:17:27,059 --> 00:17:29,892 - I lied. - Great. That explains it, huh? 257 00:17:29,929 --> 00:17:33,057 Jason, you don't lie to me. You lie to girls. 258 00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:35,592 Who's this? 259 00:17:35,634 --> 00:17:37,761 Oh, I'm sorry. This is my roommate. 260 00:17:37,803 --> 00:17:38,770 That's Derek Lutz. 261 00:17:38,804 --> 00:17:41,534 This is the dad, and that's Lou. 262 00:17:41,574 --> 00:17:44,065 - Is that your real hair? - What do you think? 263 00:17:44,110 --> 00:17:47,238 I think you're trying to get back at your parents. 264 00:17:47,279 --> 00:17:49,406 Show me the campus. I want to talk to you. 265 00:17:49,448 --> 00:17:50,608 Oh, good. 266 00:17:58,357 --> 00:18:00,382 Boy, what a great-lookin' place. 267 00:18:00,426 --> 00:18:02,189 When I used to dream about going to college... 268 00:18:02,228 --> 00:18:03,855 this is the way I always pictured it. 269 00:18:03,896 --> 00:18:05,989 Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college? 270 00:18:06,031 --> 00:18:09,296 When I used to fall asleep in high school. 271 00:18:09,335 --> 00:18:11,269 Dad, I know how much all this means to you... 272 00:18:11,303 --> 00:18:14,670 - and I'm sorry I lied to you. - You don't have to lie to me. 273 00:18:14,707 --> 00:18:17,198 No matter what you do, I'll love you just the same. 274 00:18:17,243 --> 00:18:18,642 Will you love me no matter what? 275 00:18:18,677 --> 00:18:19,871 No matter what. 276 00:18:19,912 --> 00:18:22,608 - I'm droppin' out. - You're droppin' out? 277 00:18:22,648 --> 00:18:25,242 You just got here. You just started. 278 00:18:25,284 --> 00:18:27,252 I know, but I'm not making it here. 279 00:18:27,286 --> 00:18:29,481 I don't fit in, you know? I got one friend... Derek. 280 00:18:29,522 --> 00:18:31,547 He's got no friends. 281 00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:34,115 The girls don't like me, the fraternities don't want me. 282 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,718 The diving coach won't even talk to me. 283 00:18:35,761 --> 00:18:37,786 Look at it this way... 284 00:18:37,830 --> 00:18:39,798 at least you're getting an education. 285 00:18:39,832 --> 00:18:42,392 Dad, last semester I got nothing but "Cs." 286 00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:44,232 A, B, C... you're in the top three. 287 00:18:44,270 --> 00:18:45,862 What are you worrying about? 288 00:18:45,905 --> 00:18:47,736 I just think I'd be a lot better off... 289 00:18:47,773 --> 00:18:49,331 gettin' a job or something. 290 00:18:49,375 --> 00:18:51,707 You never went to college. Look how great you're doin'. 291 00:18:51,744 --> 00:18:54,338 Jason, I said it before and I'll say it again. 292 00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:56,610 I don't care how rich and successful a man is. 293 00:18:56,649 --> 00:18:58,241 Without an education, he's nothing. 294 00:18:58,284 --> 00:19:00,616 I mean, stay in school. Study harder. 295 00:19:00,653 --> 00:19:02,518 You can be whatever you want to be. 296 00:19:02,555 --> 00:19:04,022 You want to be a loser, be a loser. 297 00:19:04,056 --> 00:19:05,148 You want to be a winner, be a winner. 298 00:19:05,191 --> 00:19:07,421 Jason, it's up to you. You can do it. 299 00:19:07,460 --> 00:19:10,361 Remember, you're a Melon! 300 00:19:10,396 --> 00:19:14,526 Dad, that's easy for you to say. You don't have to do any of it. 301 00:19:16,936 --> 00:19:19,268 OK, then. I'll do it with you. 302 00:19:20,606 --> 00:19:22,096 What do you mean, you'll do it with me? 303 00:19:22,141 --> 00:19:24,507 I mean just what I said. 304 00:19:24,543 --> 00:19:26,511 I'm going to college. What do you think? 305 00:19:26,545 --> 00:19:29,013 What do I think? I think you're nuts. 306 00:19:29,048 --> 00:19:32,848 Nuts, huh? Who made the rules? Come here. I'm going to college! 307 00:19:32,885 --> 00:19:34,409 I'm going to college! 308 00:19:37,323 --> 00:19:39,917 Let me get this straight, Mr. Melon. 309 00:19:39,959 --> 00:19:43,486 You wish to enter this widely esteemed... 310 00:19:43,529 --> 00:19:45,963 Grand Lakes University of ours as a freshman? 311 00:19:45,998 --> 00:19:47,795 That's right, Dean Martin. 312 00:19:48,934 --> 00:19:52,461 - Are you comfortable? - I'm fine, yeah. 313 00:19:52,505 --> 00:19:54,564 Oh, the chair. I'm sorry. 314 00:19:57,643 --> 00:20:00,476 This is an awkward moment for me, Mr. Melon... 315 00:20:00,513 --> 00:20:02,879 since I realize you're a highly respected member... 316 00:20:02,915 --> 00:20:04,405 of our business community. 317 00:20:04,450 --> 00:20:07,283 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 318 00:20:07,319 --> 00:20:10,880 Our student body here is handpicked by me... 319 00:20:10,923 --> 00:20:12,390 from the cr�me de la cr�me... 320 00:20:12,424 --> 00:20:15,552 of students all across this great land of ours. 321 00:20:15,594 --> 00:20:17,619 That's one of the things I like about this place. 322 00:20:17,663 --> 00:20:19,688 Yes. The point is, though... 323 00:20:19,732 --> 00:20:21,700 since you have no high school diploma... 324 00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:25,170 and no transcripts of any kind, no S.A.T. Scores... 325 00:20:25,204 --> 00:20:28,901 and you're 30 to 40 years older than our average freshman... 326 00:20:28,941 --> 00:20:31,671 how can this university ever see its way clear... 327 00:20:31,710 --> 00:20:34,110 to accept you as a student? 328 00:20:34,146 --> 00:20:36,706 As Calvin Coolidge once said... 329 00:20:36,749 --> 00:20:39,775 "The business of America is business"... 330 00:20:39,818 --> 00:20:42,343 and the business of an educational institution... 331 00:20:42,388 --> 00:20:45,016 such as ours is to create young minds... 332 00:20:45,057 --> 00:20:46,957 that understand that the business of America... 333 00:20:46,992 --> 00:20:50,689 is the kind of business that it actually is. 334 00:20:50,729 --> 00:20:54,722 So, whatever it is that I have said here today... 335 00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:59,397 the point is that we are here to honor... 336 00:20:59,438 --> 00:21:02,532 our most generous benefactor... 337 00:21:02,575 --> 00:21:05,305 and newest freshman... 338 00:21:05,344 --> 00:21:07,107 the man who's made it possible... 339 00:21:07,146 --> 00:21:10,047 for us to break ground here today... 340 00:21:10,082 --> 00:21:12,380 Mr. Thornton Melon. 341 00:21:15,521 --> 00:21:17,887 Dean Martin, great speech. 342 00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:20,289 There's nothing like good, clean business, huh? 343 00:21:20,326 --> 00:21:23,386 And a little monkey business. 344 00:21:23,429 --> 00:21:26,660 Oh, Philip. I'm so glad you could make it. 345 00:21:26,699 --> 00:21:29,099 Mr. Melon, I'd like for you to meet Dr. Philip Barbay... 346 00:21:29,134 --> 00:21:33,195 who's the dean of our school of business. 347 00:21:33,238 --> 00:21:35,001 David, I just want to get it on record... 348 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,632 that I am totally against this. 349 00:21:36,675 --> 00:21:38,802 I don't think that selling admission... 350 00:21:38,844 --> 00:21:40,903 to an obviously unqualified student... 351 00:21:40,946 --> 00:21:43,437 is very ethical or honorable. 352 00:21:43,482 --> 00:21:47,009 Right, Phil, but I'd just like to say... 353 00:21:47,052 --> 00:21:49,350 in all fairness to Mr. Melon here... 354 00:21:49,388 --> 00:21:52,357 it was a really big check. 355 00:21:52,391 --> 00:21:54,484 It's a simple matter of this man's presence... 356 00:21:54,526 --> 00:21:57,495 undermining the efforts of our legitimate students... 357 00:21:57,529 --> 00:21:59,497 who are here as a result of hard work. 358 00:21:59,531 --> 00:22:00,828 Hard work? 359 00:22:00,866 --> 00:22:03,562 Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked away up here... 360 00:22:03,602 --> 00:22:05,570 working on your ethics, I was out there... 361 00:22:05,604 --> 00:22:07,629 busting my hump in the real world. 362 00:22:07,673 --> 00:22:09,868 And the reason guys like you got a place to teach... 363 00:22:09,908 --> 00:22:12,001 is 'cause guys like me donate buildings. 364 00:22:12,044 --> 00:22:15,275 I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon. 365 00:22:22,254 --> 00:22:24,518 I don't think Dr. Barbay understands... 366 00:22:24,556 --> 00:22:27,389 the actual amounts that are involved here. 367 00:22:27,426 --> 00:22:31,658 Mr. Melon, will you take the ceremonial shovel? 368 00:22:31,697 --> 00:22:32,664 Thank you. 369 00:22:32,698 --> 00:22:35,565 And dig into the symbolic dirt. 370 00:22:38,203 --> 00:22:43,163 I hereby dedicate this building to... myself. 371 00:22:55,387 --> 00:22:57,378 Now, Dad, it's just like we talked about. 372 00:22:57,423 --> 00:22:59,391 You sign up for whatever interests you, OK? 373 00:22:59,425 --> 00:23:01,154 We're gonna get on the astronomy line... 374 00:23:01,193 --> 00:23:03,184 before it closes up. See you later. 375 00:23:04,997 --> 00:23:08,956 Look at this. This is worse than the track. 376 00:23:09,001 --> 00:23:10,593 You want me to move some people for you? 377 00:23:10,636 --> 00:23:11,694 No, don't push anybody around. 378 00:23:11,737 --> 00:23:14,331 This is college. Let me think for a minute. 379 00:23:14,373 --> 00:23:15,965 What are you gonna do? 380 00:23:16,008 --> 00:23:18,374 Come on. I got an idea. 381 00:23:18,410 --> 00:23:19,377 Did you get everything you want? 382 00:23:19,411 --> 00:23:22,107 I got the Latin and the Sanskrit... 383 00:23:22,147 --> 00:23:23,774 but then they canceled my Ancient Greek. 384 00:23:23,816 --> 00:23:25,784 Just blew my whole dead languages motif. 385 00:23:25,818 --> 00:23:27,945 What are you looking at? 386 00:23:41,867 --> 00:23:44,267 You OK? 387 00:23:44,303 --> 00:23:47,830 Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. 388 00:23:47,873 --> 00:23:50,239 I'm just upset because they closed botany. 389 00:23:50,275 --> 00:23:52,243 Those bastards! 390 00:23:52,277 --> 00:23:54,438 Well, I'm not that upset. 391 00:23:55,781 --> 00:23:58,511 At least, I won't be if I get into astronomy. 392 00:23:58,550 --> 00:24:00,848 You want to cut into line with us? 393 00:24:00,886 --> 00:24:01,944 'Cause we're already waiting. 394 00:24:01,987 --> 00:24:04,820 Yes. Yeah, I would. 395 00:24:04,857 --> 00:24:05,949 Great. All right. 396 00:24:09,862 --> 00:24:11,727 Oh, this is Derek. 397 00:24:11,764 --> 00:24:14,597 Hi. 398 00:24:14,633 --> 00:24:16,430 I'm Valerie Desmond. 399 00:24:16,468 --> 00:24:18,459 Yeah, I know. 400 00:24:19,838 --> 00:24:22,807 - I'm Jason Melon. - Hi. 401 00:24:26,879 --> 00:24:29,109 - Hey, Valerie. - Hi. 402 00:24:29,148 --> 00:24:30,615 God, you look great. 403 00:24:30,649 --> 00:24:33,243 Thanks. Are you taking astronomy, too? 404 00:24:33,285 --> 00:24:35,185 Yeah, I guess so. 405 00:24:35,220 --> 00:24:37,279 I don't really want to. I'm a business major. 406 00:24:37,322 --> 00:24:40,348 But for some reason, they want us to take a science. 407 00:24:40,392 --> 00:24:42,360 You mind if I sneak in the line with you? 408 00:24:42,394 --> 00:24:45,295 Actually, these guys were nice enough to let me in... 409 00:24:45,330 --> 00:24:48,731 so it's really up to them, I guess. 410 00:24:48,767 --> 00:24:50,530 Melon, buddy? 411 00:24:50,569 --> 00:24:53,060 Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK? 412 00:24:53,105 --> 00:24:55,539 I don't think so, Osbourne. 413 00:24:55,574 --> 00:24:57,633 Melon, your friend... straighten him out. 414 00:24:57,676 --> 00:24:59,268 Look, Chas, there's a lot of people waiting. 415 00:24:59,311 --> 00:25:01,905 It wouldn't really be fair. 416 00:25:01,947 --> 00:25:03,107 I'll tell you what. 417 00:25:03,148 --> 00:25:07,209 Maybe if you got a note from each of these people... 418 00:25:07,252 --> 00:25:09,379 saying that it was all right, then we'd reconsider... 419 00:25:09,421 --> 00:25:11,218 but until that day, take a hike... 420 00:25:11,256 --> 00:25:14,350 you elitist fraternity scumbag. 421 00:25:18,030 --> 00:25:20,089 I won't forget this, Melon. 422 00:25:20,132 --> 00:25:21,895 I'll see you at the pool. 423 00:25:21,934 --> 00:25:23,299 - Bye, Val. - Bye. 424 00:25:23,335 --> 00:25:24,927 Thank you. I'm dead. 425 00:25:24,970 --> 00:25:26,938 You're not gonna believe this! 426 00:25:26,972 --> 00:25:29,566 - You're kidding! - I'm not kidding! Just go! 427 00:25:29,608 --> 00:25:31,269 He's out there! 428 00:25:41,453 --> 00:25:44,854 Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! 429 00:25:49,795 --> 00:25:51,194 Where is he? 430 00:25:51,230 --> 00:25:52,356 I don't know, kid. 431 00:25:52,397 --> 00:25:54,092 All I know is I'm supposed to pick him up here. 432 00:25:54,132 --> 00:25:56,100 - When? - Now. 433 00:25:56,134 --> 00:25:58,830 Come on, let's register. 434 00:26:07,512 --> 00:26:09,036 Hey, you guys get everything you need? 435 00:26:09,081 --> 00:26:10,343 Oh, yeah, we got it. 436 00:26:10,382 --> 00:26:11,974 Good. What's with the used books? 437 00:26:12,017 --> 00:26:14,417 - What's wrong with used books? - They've already been read. 438 00:26:14,453 --> 00:26:16,250 And they've already been underlined. 439 00:26:16,288 --> 00:26:17,516 That's the problem. 440 00:26:17,556 --> 00:26:19,786 The guy who underlined them could have been a maniac. 441 00:26:19,825 --> 00:26:23,124 Get these guys some new books. 442 00:26:23,161 --> 00:26:26,096 Charge it to me, too. Here, pick a card. 443 00:26:27,299 --> 00:26:30,132 And I'm taking four of those school sweaters... 444 00:26:30,168 --> 00:26:32,864 a bunch of pennants, some of those beer mugs... 445 00:26:32,905 --> 00:26:35,499 a few of these fuzz balls you cheer with, and... 446 00:26:35,540 --> 00:26:38,771 Hey, folks, it's on me! Shakespeare for everyone, OK? 447 00:26:40,379 --> 00:26:43,314 You, too, honey. I'd like to tame your shrew. 448 00:26:43,348 --> 00:26:47,182 - Who is that? - That is Mr. Thornton Melon... 449 00:26:47,219 --> 00:26:49,881 the world's oldest living freshman... 450 00:26:49,922 --> 00:26:52,948 and the walking epitome of the decline of modern education. 451 00:26:52,991 --> 00:26:55,391 The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter. 452 00:26:55,427 --> 00:26:57,725 I don't think so. He was just having fun. 453 00:26:57,763 --> 00:27:02,427 Oh, really? Well, I can't wait to get him in my class. 454 00:27:02,467 --> 00:27:04,594 We'll see how much fun he is then. 455 00:27:04,636 --> 00:27:05,796 Oh, Philip. 456 00:27:05,837 --> 00:27:08,863 Hey, Mr. M! You're all set. We've been working all night. 457 00:27:08,907 --> 00:27:10,465 We got it all done. 458 00:27:10,509 --> 00:27:12,340 Thanks, Buzzy. I appreciate it. 459 00:27:12,377 --> 00:27:15,676 Add a few hundred to the bill and throw your boys a party. 460 00:27:15,714 --> 00:27:18,842 You know what you got, Mr. M? You got class. 461 00:27:18,884 --> 00:27:22,081 It rubbed off from you, Buzzy. Say hello to Sonia for me, huh? 462 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:23,314 You got it. 463 00:27:23,355 --> 00:27:26,256 I want to talk to you about my schedule. 464 00:27:26,291 --> 00:27:28,452 We'll go over it later. 465 00:27:41,273 --> 00:27:43,605 Well, boys, what do you think? 466 00:27:43,642 --> 00:27:45,507 Got a hot tub in there! 467 00:27:45,544 --> 00:27:47,705 How can you study if you're not relaxed? 468 00:27:47,746 --> 00:27:48,906 When's our first class? 469 00:27:48,947 --> 00:27:51,108 We got economics tomorrow at 11:00. 470 00:27:51,149 --> 00:27:52,309 11:00? No good. 471 00:27:52,351 --> 00:27:54,512 I got a massage at 11:00. Tell them to make it 2:00. 472 00:27:54,553 --> 00:27:57,716 No, Dad, you don't get it. 473 00:27:57,756 --> 00:28:01,886 They're not gonna reschedule the classes around your massage. 474 00:28:01,927 --> 00:28:04,487 All right, 11:00. But I'm gonna talk to that dean. 475 00:28:04,529 --> 00:28:07,020 These classes can be a real inconvenience. 476 00:28:07,065 --> 00:28:09,533 All right, settle down, people. 477 00:28:09,568 --> 00:28:12,560 We've got a lot to cover, and time is short. 478 00:28:16,375 --> 00:28:19,401 There are two kinds of people in business today... 479 00:28:19,444 --> 00:28:21,412 the quick and the dead. 480 00:28:21,446 --> 00:28:24,574 So, rather than waste your time this semester... 481 00:28:24,616 --> 00:28:27,050 with a lot of useless theories... 482 00:28:27,085 --> 00:28:29,110 we're going to jump right in with both feet... 483 00:28:29,154 --> 00:28:32,055 and create a fictional company from the ground up. 484 00:28:32,090 --> 00:28:35,116 We'll construct our physical plant... 485 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,560 we'll set up an efficient administrative... 486 00:28:37,596 --> 00:28:39,393 and executive structure... 487 00:28:39,431 --> 00:28:43,026 then we'll manufacture our product and market it. 488 00:28:43,068 --> 00:28:45,730 I think you'll find it very interesting and a lot of fun. 489 00:28:45,771 --> 00:28:49,332 So, let's start by looking at construction costs... 490 00:28:49,374 --> 00:28:51,365 of our new factory. 491 00:28:51,410 --> 00:28:53,605 What's the product? 492 00:28:53,645 --> 00:28:54,839 That is immaterial... 493 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,007 for the purposes of our discussion here... 494 00:28:57,049 --> 00:28:58,812 but if it makes you happy... 495 00:28:58,850 --> 00:29:01,011 let's say we're making tape recorders. 496 00:29:01,053 --> 00:29:03,044 Tape recorders? Are you kiddin'? 497 00:29:03,088 --> 00:29:06,546 The Japs will kill us on the labor costs. 498 00:29:06,591 --> 00:29:08,559 OK, fine. 499 00:29:08,593 --> 00:29:11,357 Then let's just say they're widgets. 500 00:29:11,396 --> 00:29:13,296 What's a widget? 501 00:29:13,331 --> 00:29:16,630 It's a fictional product. It doesn't matter. 502 00:29:16,668 --> 00:29:18,727 Doesn't matter. Tell that to the bank. 503 00:29:18,770 --> 00:29:20,897 Take it easy. It's the first day. 504 00:29:20,939 --> 00:29:24,397 On the board, you will see a cost analysis... 505 00:29:24,443 --> 00:29:27,037 for construction of a 30,000 square-foot facility... 506 00:29:27,079 --> 00:29:29,775 which will encompass both factory and office space... 507 00:29:29,815 --> 00:29:32,716 and is fully serviced by all utilities... 508 00:29:32,751 --> 00:29:35,914 a railroad spur line and a four-bay shipping dock. 509 00:29:35,954 --> 00:29:39,048 Hold it, hold it. Why build? You're better off leasing... 510 00:29:39,091 --> 00:29:41,559 at a buck and a quarter, a buck and a half a square foot. 511 00:29:41,593 --> 00:29:44,289 Take your down payment and put it into CDs... 512 00:29:44,329 --> 00:29:46,559 or something else you can roll over every couple of months. 513 00:29:46,598 --> 00:29:48,122 Thank you, Mr. Melon... 514 00:29:48,166 --> 00:29:50,964 but we'll be concentrating on finance... 515 00:29:51,002 --> 00:29:53,562 a little later in the term. 516 00:29:53,605 --> 00:29:55,732 For the time being, let's just concentrate... 517 00:29:55,774 --> 00:29:58,106 on the construction figures, shall we? 518 00:29:58,143 --> 00:30:01,340 You'll see the final bottom line requires the factoring in... 519 00:30:01,379 --> 00:30:03,847 of not just the material and construction costs... 520 00:30:03,882 --> 00:30:08,842 but also the architects' fees and the cost of land servicing. 521 00:30:08,887 --> 00:30:11,219 Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff. 522 00:30:11,256 --> 00:30:13,224 Oh, really? 523 00:30:13,258 --> 00:30:15,283 Like what, for instance? 524 00:30:15,327 --> 00:30:18,626 First of all, you have to grease the local politicians... 525 00:30:18,663 --> 00:30:20,858 for the sudden zoning problems that always come up. 526 00:30:20,899 --> 00:30:23,493 Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters. 527 00:30:23,535 --> 00:30:25,503 And if you plan on using any cement in this building... 528 00:30:25,537 --> 00:30:27,027 I'm sure the teamsters would like to have... 529 00:30:27,072 --> 00:30:29,131 a little chat with you, and that'll cost you. 530 00:30:29,174 --> 00:30:31,836 Don't forget a little something for the building inspectors. 531 00:30:31,877 --> 00:30:34,971 There's the long-term costs, such as waste disposal. 532 00:30:35,013 --> 00:30:37,038 I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business... 533 00:30:37,082 --> 00:30:39,141 but I assure you it's not the boy scouts. 534 00:30:39,184 --> 00:30:40,549 That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon. 535 00:30:40,585 --> 00:30:42,712 Maybe bribes and kickbacks... 536 00:30:42,754 --> 00:30:46,121 and Mafia payoffs are how you do business... 537 00:30:46,158 --> 00:30:48,922 but they are not part of the legitimate business world... 538 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,860 and they're certainly not part of anything... 539 00:30:50,896 --> 00:30:53,364 I'm teaching in this class. Do I make myself clear? 540 00:30:53,398 --> 00:30:56,231 Sorry. Just trying to help. That's all. 541 00:30:56,268 --> 00:31:01,331 Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input... 542 00:31:01,373 --> 00:31:05,503 the next question for us is where to build our factory. 543 00:31:05,544 --> 00:31:07,978 How about Fantasyland? 544 00:31:11,516 --> 00:31:14,417 My first class. I did good, huh? 545 00:31:14,452 --> 00:31:16,852 You better cool it with Dr. Barbay. 546 00:31:16,888 --> 00:31:18,651 Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick. 547 00:31:18,690 --> 00:31:20,624 He really tells it like it ain't. 548 00:31:20,659 --> 00:31:23,219 Know what he knows how to do? Flunk you. 549 00:31:23,261 --> 00:31:25,627 Flunk me? Flunk him. 550 00:31:25,664 --> 00:31:28,428 Great attitude. Do you know where your next class is? 551 00:31:28,466 --> 00:31:31,435 Contemporary American history. Professor Turgeson. 552 00:31:31,469 --> 00:31:33,903 - Turgeson? - You know him? Is he good? 553 00:31:33,939 --> 00:31:36,271 Well, he's really committed. 554 00:31:36,308 --> 00:31:38,538 In fact, I think he was. Just keep your head down... 555 00:31:38,577 --> 00:31:40,340 and your mouth shut. You should be all right. 556 00:31:40,378 --> 00:31:41,902 - I'll see you in English. - All right. 557 00:31:41,947 --> 00:31:45,439 Welcome to Contemporary American history. 558 00:31:45,483 --> 00:31:47,678 I'm Professor Turgeson. 559 00:31:47,719 --> 00:31:50,187 I know a lot of people think history is just facts... 560 00:31:50,222 --> 00:31:54,215 just information about the past, but not me. 561 00:31:54,259 --> 00:31:57,558 I hold history very sacred. Sacred. 562 00:31:57,596 --> 00:32:00,087 The way a farmer looks at the Earth and holds it sacred. 563 00:32:00,131 --> 00:32:02,122 The way a Christian takes the Bible... 564 00:32:02,167 --> 00:32:03,429 and he holds it sacred. 565 00:32:03,468 --> 00:32:06,403 The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. 566 00:32:06,438 --> 00:32:08,770 That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in... 567 00:32:08,807 --> 00:32:11,571 by interpreting one of the easiest events... 568 00:32:11,610 --> 00:32:14,807 in the last twenty years of American history. 569 00:32:14,846 --> 00:32:17,280 Now, can someone tell me... 570 00:32:17,315 --> 00:32:21,752 why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam? 571 00:32:23,288 --> 00:32:26,052 The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support... 572 00:32:26,091 --> 00:32:28,059 caused an ongoing erosion of confidence... 573 00:32:28,093 --> 00:32:31,324 in the various American... but illegal... Saigon regimes. 574 00:32:35,734 --> 00:32:36,928 Is she right? 575 00:32:39,137 --> 00:32:40,695 'Cause I know that's the popular version... 576 00:32:40,739 --> 00:32:42,070 of what went on there. 577 00:32:42,107 --> 00:32:44,166 I know a lot of people like to believe that. 578 00:32:44,209 --> 00:32:46,234 I wish I could, but I was there. 579 00:32:46,278 --> 00:32:47,768 I wasn't here in a classroom... 580 00:32:47,812 --> 00:32:49,336 hoping I was right, thinking about it. 581 00:32:49,381 --> 00:32:52,111 I was up to my knees in rice paddies... 582 00:32:52,150 --> 00:32:54,618 with guns that didn't work, going up against Charlie... 583 00:32:54,653 --> 00:32:57,588 slugging it out with him, while pussies like you... 584 00:32:57,622 --> 00:33:00,489 were back here partyin', puttin' headbands on... 585 00:33:00,525 --> 00:33:03,460 doin' drugs, listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! 586 00:33:06,197 --> 00:33:08,131 Hey, Professor, take it easy, will ya? 587 00:33:08,166 --> 00:33:11,033 These kids were in grade school at the time. 588 00:33:11,069 --> 00:33:12,366 And me... 589 00:33:12,404 --> 00:33:15,237 I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. 590 00:33:19,110 --> 00:33:22,011 Well, I didn't know you wanted to get involved... 591 00:33:22,047 --> 00:33:25,414 with the discussion, Mr. Helper. 592 00:33:25,450 --> 00:33:28,886 But since you want to help, maybe you can help me, OK? 593 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:30,820 You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago... 594 00:33:30,855 --> 00:33:32,220 called the Korean conflict? 595 00:33:32,257 --> 00:33:35,454 Yeah. Where we failed to achieve victory. 596 00:33:35,493 --> 00:33:37,893 How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel... 597 00:33:37,929 --> 00:33:40,989 and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China... 598 00:33:41,032 --> 00:33:43,023 and take it apart brick by brick... 599 00:33:43,068 --> 00:33:45,502 and nuke them back into the fuckin' stone age forever? 600 00:33:45,537 --> 00:33:48,995 How come? Tell me? Why? Say it! Say it! 601 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:51,201 All right, I'll say it. 602 00:33:51,242 --> 00:33:53,335 'Cause Truman was too much of a pussy wimp... 603 00:33:53,378 --> 00:33:57,007 to let MacArthur go in and blow out those commie bastards! 604 00:33:58,717 --> 00:34:01,845 Good answer. Good answer. 605 00:34:03,288 --> 00:34:06,052 I like the way you think. 606 00:34:06,091 --> 00:34:09,492 I'm gonna be watching you. 607 00:34:11,696 --> 00:34:14,961 Good teacher. He really seems to care. 608 00:34:14,999 --> 00:34:17,331 About what, I have no idea. 609 00:34:18,403 --> 00:34:20,268 College is all right, I'll tell you that. 610 00:34:20,305 --> 00:34:22,637 Hey, buddy, be my guest. Here's a pen. 611 00:34:22,674 --> 00:34:26,508 Boys, here's a couple of pens, in case you learn how to write. 612 00:34:26,544 --> 00:34:28,808 - I know you. - Oh, yeah? Here's a pen. 613 00:34:28,847 --> 00:34:31,077 You do those obnoxious commercials. 614 00:34:31,116 --> 00:34:32,447 You're tall and fat. 615 00:34:32,484 --> 00:34:36,477 Yeah, you're short and ugly. Give me the pen back, will ya? 616 00:34:36,521 --> 00:34:38,751 Honey, here's a pen. 617 00:34:38,790 --> 00:34:41,190 Boys, how are ya? 618 00:35:03,014 --> 00:35:04,447 "And Gibraltar is a girl... 619 00:35:04,482 --> 00:35:07,144 "where I was a flower of the mountain. 620 00:35:07,185 --> 00:35:09,153 "Yes, when I put the rose in my hair... 621 00:35:09,187 --> 00:35:10,654 "like the Andalusian girls used. 622 00:35:10,688 --> 00:35:12,747 "Or shall I wear red? 623 00:35:12,791 --> 00:35:15,624 "Yes. And how he kissed me under the Moorish wall... 624 00:35:15,660 --> 00:35:16,786 "and I thought... 625 00:35:16,828 --> 00:35:18,762 "well, as well him as another. 626 00:35:18,797 --> 00:35:21,095 "And then I ask him with my eyes to ask again. 627 00:35:21,132 --> 00:35:24,795 "Yes. And then he asked me would I yes to say yes. 628 00:35:24,836 --> 00:35:26,394 "My mountain flower. 629 00:35:26,438 --> 00:35:28,736 "And first I put my arms around him, yes... 630 00:35:28,773 --> 00:35:30,240 "and drew him down to me... 631 00:35:30,275 --> 00:35:32,903 "so he could feel my breasts all perfumed, yes... 632 00:35:32,944 --> 00:35:35,242 "and his heart was going like mad, and yes... 633 00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:37,271 "I said, yes, I will, yes." 634 00:35:37,315 --> 00:35:40,512 Yes! Yes! 635 00:35:45,690 --> 00:35:47,658 Thanks for the vote of confidence. 636 00:35:47,692 --> 00:35:49,159 I think Joyce is pretty hot, too. 637 00:35:49,194 --> 00:35:51,094 And now that I've got your attention... 638 00:35:51,129 --> 00:35:52,528 I'd like to run down the reading list... 639 00:35:52,564 --> 00:35:55,624 for the semester. See what else turns you on. 640 00:36:01,539 --> 00:36:03,302 What a woman. 641 00:36:03,341 --> 00:36:05,639 Dad, she is the teacher. 642 00:36:05,677 --> 00:36:07,167 I know. I like teachers. 643 00:36:07,212 --> 00:36:09,544 If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. 644 00:36:11,316 --> 00:36:13,807 Don't you think maybe you should just take some notes? 645 00:36:13,852 --> 00:36:16,412 Yeah, yeah. 646 00:36:16,454 --> 00:36:20,356 I gave away all my pens. 647 00:36:20,391 --> 00:36:22,757 I'm sorry. I need this back. 648 00:36:22,794 --> 00:36:24,955 Here's a calendar for you. 649 00:36:28,299 --> 00:36:29,493 Oh, hiya. 650 00:36:29,534 --> 00:36:32,401 Hello, Mr. Melon. You waiting for me? 651 00:36:32,437 --> 00:36:35,133 Yes, I was. Look, I know I'm only a freshman... 652 00:36:35,173 --> 00:36:37,539 but what do you say you and I have dinner tonight? 653 00:36:37,575 --> 00:36:40,840 We could talk about Joyce. She's my favorite writer. 654 00:36:42,881 --> 00:36:45,406 You're not the usual freshman, but I'm sorry, I can't. 655 00:36:45,450 --> 00:36:47,315 The thing is, I'm sort of going with someone. 656 00:36:47,352 --> 00:36:49,513 Oh. Where you going? 657 00:36:49,554 --> 00:36:52,045 That's a good question. 658 00:36:52,090 --> 00:36:54,752 Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight. 659 00:36:54,792 --> 00:36:58,057 - How about tomorrow night? - I have class then, too. 660 00:36:58,096 --> 00:36:59,825 I'll tell you what, then. 661 00:36:59,864 --> 00:37:03,823 Why don't you call me when you have no class? 662 00:37:03,868 --> 00:37:06,098 All right. Maybe I will. 663 00:37:11,976 --> 00:37:14,467 Hello, Philip. 664 00:37:14,512 --> 00:37:16,639 What did he want? 665 00:37:16,681 --> 00:37:19,582 Oh, what do all men want? 666 00:37:19,617 --> 00:37:21,551 He wants you to dress up as Wonder Woman... 667 00:37:21,586 --> 00:37:25,113 tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth? 668 00:37:25,156 --> 00:37:27,556 No, just dinner, Philip. 669 00:37:27,592 --> 00:37:30,686 Are you jealous of Thornton Melon? 670 00:37:30,728 --> 00:37:32,787 Certainly not. 671 00:37:32,830 --> 00:37:35,731 I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately. 672 00:37:35,767 --> 00:37:39,032 I've been thinking about us. 673 00:37:39,070 --> 00:37:41,538 - And? - And I think... 674 00:37:41,573 --> 00:37:44,940 we should start thinking about forming a... 675 00:37:44,976 --> 00:37:46,705 well, um... 676 00:37:46,744 --> 00:37:47,870 A merger? 677 00:37:47,912 --> 00:37:50,278 A merger, exactly. Exactly, a merger. 678 00:37:50,315 --> 00:37:52,875 A partnership. Seriously, Diane... 679 00:37:52,917 --> 00:37:55,613 we're both intelligent, well-educated adults. 680 00:37:55,653 --> 00:37:59,953 We should be together. Incorporated, if you will. 681 00:37:59,991 --> 00:38:05,122 Look at the balance sheet. We were made for one another. 682 00:38:05,163 --> 00:38:06,528 Oh, Philip, you darling. 683 00:38:06,564 --> 00:38:08,725 I don't want to be merged or incorporated. 684 00:38:08,766 --> 00:38:12,634 I want to have fun and be romanced and be loved. 685 00:38:14,505 --> 00:38:16,598 So let's not rush into anything. 686 00:38:16,641 --> 00:38:19,474 Let's just start by having fun, OK? 687 00:38:23,414 --> 00:38:25,712 Hey, how are you? What's happening? 688 00:38:25,750 --> 00:38:26,944 Hi! 689 00:38:26,985 --> 00:38:28,885 A lot of people are talking about your dad, man. 690 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:30,854 What's happening? 691 00:38:30,888 --> 00:38:33,686 Hey, boys, how ya doin'? 692 00:38:33,725 --> 00:38:36,057 I wonder why. 693 00:38:37,595 --> 00:38:39,256 They have lockers. 694 00:38:39,297 --> 00:38:41,424 You could've changed here. 695 00:38:41,466 --> 00:38:43,457 I don't change in front of guys. 696 00:38:43,501 --> 00:38:45,366 Next thing you know, you're showering with the fellas. 697 00:38:45,403 --> 00:38:46,802 And the next thing you know... 698 00:38:46,838 --> 00:38:48,772 you're pinned to a sophomore named Chip. 699 00:38:48,806 --> 00:38:50,364 Come on, let's go, huh? 700 00:38:50,408 --> 00:38:52,000 I'll see you later. 701 00:39:22,774 --> 00:39:25,174 That was pretty good. 702 00:39:25,209 --> 00:39:27,006 Next time, hold the pike a little longer. 703 00:39:29,213 --> 00:39:31,306 Wait a minute. I'll be right down. 704 00:39:55,306 --> 00:39:57,740 Not bad. 705 00:39:57,775 --> 00:40:00,266 All right, let's see one more. 706 00:40:01,479 --> 00:40:02,878 Like I showed you. 707 00:40:02,914 --> 00:40:04,074 All right. 708 00:40:10,047 --> 00:40:12,948 What's a guy your age doing here with these kids? 709 00:40:12,984 --> 00:40:16,613 I'm lookin' for the fountain of middle age. 710 00:40:16,654 --> 00:40:18,019 What's your story? 711 00:40:18,055 --> 00:40:20,546 I'm setting the new record for the most consecutive losses... 712 00:40:20,591 --> 00:40:23,492 by a diving coach in this conference. 713 00:40:23,528 --> 00:40:25,792 Hey, remember, hold that pike longer. 714 00:40:25,830 --> 00:40:28,128 - That your kid? - Yeah. 715 00:40:28,165 --> 00:40:30,395 Who coached him in high school? 716 00:40:30,434 --> 00:40:31,924 Yours truly. 717 00:40:31,969 --> 00:40:33,596 So, where did you learn how to dive? 718 00:40:33,638 --> 00:40:37,074 Atlantic City. The Steel Pier. I was in the water show. 719 00:40:37,108 --> 00:40:38,632 I used to open for the diving horse. 720 00:40:38,676 --> 00:40:40,576 You're kiddin'. I'm from Jersey. 721 00:40:40,611 --> 00:40:43,944 I practically spent my entire life on that pier. 722 00:40:43,981 --> 00:40:46,541 There was a guy, did the most amazing dive... 723 00:40:46,584 --> 00:40:48,245 called the Triple Lindy. 724 00:40:48,286 --> 00:40:49,981 Hardest dive I ever saw in my life. 725 00:40:50,021 --> 00:40:52,717 - Who was that guy? - Yours truly. 726 00:40:52,757 --> 00:40:54,224 You're kiddin'. 727 00:40:54,258 --> 00:40:56,021 I don't joke about dives. 728 00:40:56,060 --> 00:40:57,857 Especially that one. It almost killed me. 729 00:40:57,895 --> 00:41:00,955 Boy, you were somethin' else. 730 00:41:00,998 --> 00:41:03,023 Hey, can your kid do that dive? 731 00:41:03,067 --> 00:41:06,127 Nah, nobody can. It's too dangerous. 732 00:41:06,170 --> 00:41:09,139 You know, he tried out for the team last semester. 733 00:41:09,173 --> 00:41:10,538 He didn't do that good. 734 00:41:10,575 --> 00:41:13,567 Not that good, huh? Watch this. 735 00:41:13,611 --> 00:41:16,375 Jason, do the two and a half! 736 00:41:31,028 --> 00:41:33,155 Not bad. 737 00:41:34,865 --> 00:41:36,162 My main Melon. Come on, man... 738 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:37,690 there's a pep rally for the football team. 739 00:41:37,735 --> 00:41:39,726 - Let's go. We're there. - Whoa, wait. What is this? 740 00:41:39,770 --> 00:41:43,035 Me and Standish and Redding are doing the anti-pep rally... 741 00:41:43,074 --> 00:41:45,872 to point out that a violent ground acquisition game... 742 00:41:45,910 --> 00:41:47,241 such as football is, in fact... 743 00:41:47,278 --> 00:41:49,075 a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war. 744 00:41:49,113 --> 00:41:51,206 It sounds like a lot of laughs... 745 00:41:51,248 --> 00:41:52,579 but I'm supposed to meet my dad and study. 746 00:41:52,617 --> 00:41:54,084 He's supposed to be here already. 747 00:41:54,118 --> 00:41:56,086 OK, well... 748 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:59,180 if you change your mind, pal, you know where I'll be. 749 00:41:59,223 --> 00:42:02,886 If I change my mind, I'll seek psychiatric help. 750 00:42:21,712 --> 00:42:22,906 Excuse me. 751 00:42:22,947 --> 00:42:26,405 What is the Oort system and what does it tell us? 752 00:42:28,452 --> 00:42:30,420 What? I'm sorry. 753 00:42:30,454 --> 00:42:33,912 Astronomy, chapter two. 754 00:42:33,958 --> 00:42:36,153 Oh, Oort, Oort. 755 00:42:36,193 --> 00:42:38,718 Oort was this scientist, and he figured out... 756 00:42:38,763 --> 00:42:43,097 that the smeared-out density of matter can be no greater... 757 00:42:43,134 --> 00:42:46,331 than the solar mass per cubic parsec. 758 00:42:46,370 --> 00:42:48,395 You look thrilled. It's not my theory. 759 00:42:49,807 --> 00:42:52,776 Thanks, that helps a lot. 760 00:42:53,778 --> 00:42:55,973 Listen, I was just wondering... 761 00:42:56,013 --> 00:42:57,605 would you do my astronomy homework... 762 00:42:57,648 --> 00:42:59,172 for the rest of the semester? 763 00:43:01,886 --> 00:43:04,047 - Here you go. - OK, right. 764 00:43:04,088 --> 00:43:05,487 Hi, Mr. Melon. 765 00:43:05,523 --> 00:43:08,083 Oh, you can call me Thornton. 766 00:43:08,125 --> 00:43:11,094 Say, how about joining me and my friend over there? 767 00:43:11,128 --> 00:43:13,119 Your friend looks a little strange. 768 00:43:13,164 --> 00:43:16,133 Who, Lou? Lou's an animal. Why, in his family... 769 00:43:16,167 --> 00:43:20,536 he's only the second generation that's standing up straight. 770 00:43:20,571 --> 00:43:22,061 What lovely girls. 771 00:43:22,106 --> 00:43:25,132 How would you like a life of luxury and deceit? 772 00:43:25,176 --> 00:43:27,508 Come on, join us in a beer. OK? 773 00:43:27,545 --> 00:43:29,479 - Yeah, OK. - OK. 774 00:43:39,156 --> 00:43:42,319 Girls, this is Lou. Lou, these are girls. 775 00:43:45,429 --> 00:43:47,090 One, two. 776 00:43:47,131 --> 00:43:49,656 One, two. 777 00:43:56,407 --> 00:43:58,568 Shake it up, baby 778 00:44:00,377 --> 00:44:02,504 Twist and shout 779 00:44:04,181 --> 00:44:06,274 Come on, come on, come on, baby 780 00:44:08,285 --> 00:44:10,515 Come and work it on out 781 00:44:12,423 --> 00:44:14,857 Work it on out, honey 782 00:44:16,761 --> 00:44:19,889 Honey, come here. I need 2 more glasses for the girls... 783 00:44:19,930 --> 00:44:22,228 and also, bring a pitcher of beer... 784 00:44:22,266 --> 00:44:24,291 every seven minutes till somebody passes out. 785 00:44:24,335 --> 00:44:26,132 And then bring one every ten minutes. 786 00:44:26,170 --> 00:44:27,569 You got it. Anyway... 787 00:44:27,605 --> 00:44:30,096 I thought we were gonna go... 788 00:44:30,141 --> 00:44:32,769 to the planetarium and look at a lot of stars. 789 00:44:32,810 --> 00:44:35,506 I had no idea this was gonna be astrophysics. 790 00:44:35,546 --> 00:44:38,310 It's not that hard. You'll get it. 791 00:44:38,349 --> 00:44:41,716 It's not hard for you, because you're smart. 792 00:44:41,752 --> 00:44:43,845 You're smart, too. 793 00:44:43,888 --> 00:44:46,322 Yeah, but you're, like, "smart" smart. 794 00:44:46,357 --> 00:44:48,325 Do you study at the library every night? 795 00:44:48,359 --> 00:44:49,917 No. I was gonna meet my dad there... 796 00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:51,325 but he must be studying at the dorm. 797 00:45:02,072 --> 00:45:04,097 Shake it up, baby 798 00:45:05,843 --> 00:45:07,640 Twist and shout 799 00:45:09,613 --> 00:45:11,808 Come on, come on, come on, baby 800 00:45:13,617 --> 00:45:15,983 Come on and work it on out 801 00:45:17,588 --> 00:45:19,488 You know you twist it, little girl 802 00:45:19,523 --> 00:45:21,218 Lower, baby, lower. 803 00:45:21,258 --> 00:45:23,818 Hey, guys, let me see some I.D. 804 00:45:23,861 --> 00:45:25,795 Not that low, baby. 805 00:45:25,830 --> 00:45:28,094 Come on and twist a little closer now 806 00:45:28,132 --> 00:45:29,895 To the left, baby, to the left. 807 00:45:29,934 --> 00:45:31,526 And let me know you're mine 808 00:45:31,569 --> 00:45:32,797 That's the spot, baby. 809 00:45:32,837 --> 00:45:35,897 Hold it, hold it! Oh, you are there! 810 00:45:35,940 --> 00:45:37,965 Shake it, baby 811 00:45:38,008 --> 00:45:41,637 Shake it, shake it, baby 812 00:45:41,679 --> 00:45:45,445 Come on and shake it, shake it, shake it, baby 813 00:45:47,518 --> 00:45:49,281 - Shake it now - Shake it 814 00:46:00,297 --> 00:46:01,696 OK, go ahead. 815 00:46:05,402 --> 00:46:07,632 Jason, what are you doing here? 816 00:46:07,671 --> 00:46:10,834 What am I doing here? What are you doing here? 817 00:46:10,875 --> 00:46:13,105 We were supposed to study, remember, in the library? 818 00:46:13,143 --> 00:46:15,043 The library. I was supposed to be there. 819 00:46:15,079 --> 00:46:17,445 Hey, what's going on? 820 00:46:17,481 --> 00:46:19,472 Chas, check it out. 821 00:46:22,586 --> 00:46:24,713 Hey, Clark. 822 00:46:24,755 --> 00:46:26,689 Interesting little rally you guys had tonight. 823 00:46:26,724 --> 00:46:29,591 Yeah, right. They got paint all over my girlfriend. 824 00:46:29,627 --> 00:46:31,561 I'm gonna kill them little pinheads. 825 00:46:31,595 --> 00:46:33,426 Yeah? Well, you came to the right place... 826 00:46:33,464 --> 00:46:35,796 because guess who's here... Derek Lutz. 827 00:46:41,906 --> 00:46:44,431 Hey, Lutz! 828 00:46:44,475 --> 00:46:46,033 You know who I am? 829 00:46:46,076 --> 00:46:47,941 Let me see... 830 00:46:47,978 --> 00:46:50,572 protruding supra-orbital ridges... 831 00:46:50,614 --> 00:46:54,209 small cranium, 1,300 C.C. Brain... 832 00:46:54,251 --> 00:46:55,445 Neanderthal man. 833 00:46:55,486 --> 00:46:58,546 You... I want you to call his mother. 834 00:46:58,589 --> 00:47:00,386 You tell her he's never coming home. 835 00:47:00,424 --> 00:47:03,018 Whoa, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? 836 00:47:03,060 --> 00:47:04,823 Look how many people got blue hair these days. 837 00:47:04,862 --> 00:47:06,329 Shut up, meathead. 838 00:47:06,363 --> 00:47:07,694 Take it easy, will ya? 839 00:47:07,731 --> 00:47:11,462 I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head. 840 00:47:11,502 --> 00:47:14,198 Yeah? Want to make something of it? 841 00:47:14,238 --> 00:47:17,537 Oh, no. I never get physical. I just get upset... 842 00:47:17,574 --> 00:47:21,510 and when I get upset, he gets physical. 843 00:47:28,919 --> 00:47:30,443 You got a problem? 844 00:47:30,487 --> 00:47:32,512 No, I haven't got a problem. 845 00:47:32,556 --> 00:47:34,922 Now you do. 846 00:47:45,502 --> 00:47:46,901 Get him! 847 00:47:58,615 --> 00:47:59,809 Lou, where you been? 848 00:47:59,850 --> 00:48:01,715 I'm getting my ass kicked all over the place! 849 00:48:27,578 --> 00:48:30,342 - Well, you look terrible. - No, I'm all right. 850 00:48:30,381 --> 00:48:34,147 It's Lou I'm worried about. He may lose his trigger finger. 851 00:48:34,184 --> 00:48:35,446 It serves you guys right. 852 00:48:35,486 --> 00:48:37,545 Why did you have to take on the whole football team? 853 00:48:37,588 --> 00:48:38,748 They're not that tough. 854 00:48:38,789 --> 00:48:41,121 The football team at my high school was tough. 855 00:48:41,158 --> 00:48:42,785 After they sacked the quarterback... 856 00:48:42,826 --> 00:48:44,691 they went after his family. 857 00:48:47,064 --> 00:48:49,259 This morning we're going to look at "The Great Gatsby"... 858 00:48:49,299 --> 00:48:51,460 by F. Scott Fitzgerald. 859 00:48:51,502 --> 00:48:54,903 Mr. Melon, how would you characterize "The Great Gatsby?" 860 00:48:54,938 --> 00:48:56,872 Who, him? 861 00:48:56,907 --> 00:48:58,340 No, you. 862 00:48:58,375 --> 00:48:59,774 Me. 863 00:48:59,810 --> 00:49:02,870 Well, "The Great Gatsby," he was... 864 00:49:02,913 --> 00:49:05,108 great. 865 00:49:08,252 --> 00:49:09,844 See me after class, Mr. Melon. 866 00:49:13,857 --> 00:49:15,722 I mean, please, try to understand. 867 00:49:15,759 --> 00:49:17,317 I don't have the background for this. 868 00:49:17,361 --> 00:49:18,623 The high school I went to... 869 00:49:18,662 --> 00:49:20,323 they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity. 870 00:49:20,364 --> 00:49:22,662 He threw the teacher out the window. 871 00:49:22,699 --> 00:49:27,898 I know what I need. I need a tutor. 872 00:49:27,938 --> 00:49:30,406 What do you say? Come on. 873 00:49:30,441 --> 00:49:33,001 You got some spare time. 874 00:49:33,043 --> 00:49:34,374 All right, Mr. Melon. 875 00:49:34,411 --> 00:49:36,174 I have some spare time this evening. 876 00:49:36,213 --> 00:49:38,374 Why don't you come around about 7:00? 877 00:49:38,415 --> 00:49:41,009 - Great. - I'll give you my address. 878 00:49:42,186 --> 00:49:44,552 - Thanks. - Please be on time. 879 00:49:44,588 --> 00:49:47,022 I'll be on time. 880 00:49:48,826 --> 00:49:50,760 What penmanship. 881 00:49:52,196 --> 00:49:55,893 "Everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; 882 00:49:55,933 --> 00:49:57,594 "The best lack all conviction... 883 00:49:57,634 --> 00:50:00,899 "while the worst are full of passionate intensity." 884 00:50:00,938 --> 00:50:02,530 There's a lot of other stuff here. 885 00:50:02,573 --> 00:50:06,771 Yeats goes on and on... and here's the finish. 886 00:50:06,810 --> 00:50:09,973 "What rough beast, its hour come round at last... 887 00:50:10,013 --> 00:50:12,914 "slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?" 888 00:50:12,950 --> 00:50:14,577 What does that make you think of? 889 00:50:14,618 --> 00:50:17,610 Rough beast. My ex-wife. 890 00:50:17,654 --> 00:50:18,985 Well, that's one interpretation. 891 00:50:19,022 --> 00:50:21,013 Not the right one, but it's a start. 892 00:50:21,058 --> 00:50:23,390 Surely a man of your age and experience... 893 00:50:23,427 --> 00:50:25,088 must have read some of the things on my list. 894 00:50:25,129 --> 00:50:27,757 - What about "Macbeth"? - I saw the movie. 895 00:50:27,798 --> 00:50:30,892 Orson Welles. Great actor, big actor. 896 00:50:30,934 --> 00:50:33,402 He was a Tall and Fat customer for years. 897 00:50:33,437 --> 00:50:34,699 How about "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"? 898 00:50:34,738 --> 00:50:36,672 I saw the movie. Burl lves. 899 00:50:36,707 --> 00:50:40,234 Great actor, extra stout. He was a customer, too. 900 00:50:40,277 --> 00:50:42,939 - "Streetcar Named Desire." - Great movie. Marlon Brando. 901 00:50:42,980 --> 00:50:46,541 He wasn't that big then, but he ballooned up nicely. 902 00:50:46,583 --> 00:50:49,245 I'd say pound for pound, our finest American actor. 903 00:50:49,286 --> 00:50:51,254 Don't you ever read? 904 00:50:51,288 --> 00:50:54,849 Who has time? I see the movie. I'm in and out in two hours. 905 00:50:54,892 --> 00:50:56,291 Oh, Thornton, don't you see? 906 00:50:56,326 --> 00:50:58,123 The reason you want to read these works... 907 00:50:58,162 --> 00:51:00,096 is so you can experience them for yourself... 908 00:51:00,130 --> 00:51:02,928 so you can share the thoughts and feelings of the writer... 909 00:51:02,966 --> 00:51:05,457 without the interference of your actor and director... 910 00:51:05,502 --> 00:51:07,333 and professor's point of view getting in the way... 911 00:51:07,371 --> 00:51:10,169 to truly share and understand... 912 00:51:10,207 --> 00:51:12,107 the common feelings of all mankind... 913 00:51:12,142 --> 00:51:14,440 the feelings of being alive. 914 00:51:16,046 --> 00:51:18,105 That was beautiful. 915 00:51:18,148 --> 00:51:20,116 I understand what you're saying, too. 916 00:51:20,150 --> 00:51:21,947 I'm glad. That makes me feel good. 917 00:51:21,985 --> 00:51:24,283 I got an idea. 918 00:51:24,321 --> 00:51:27,484 Let's keep talking over dinner. 919 00:51:27,524 --> 00:51:29,617 I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner. 920 00:51:30,827 --> 00:51:33,295 I could cancel, though, I guess. 921 00:51:33,330 --> 00:51:34,661 We are working, after all. 922 00:51:34,698 --> 00:51:36,529 You can't work on an empty stomach. 923 00:51:36,567 --> 00:51:39,559 You can't concentrate when you're hungry. 924 00:51:39,603 --> 00:51:41,571 Oh, I don't know. I really shouldn't. 925 00:51:41,605 --> 00:51:44,472 - I have so many things to do. - Oh, come on. I'll help you. 926 00:51:44,508 --> 00:51:46,533 I'll take out the garbage. I'll do the dishes. 927 00:51:46,577 --> 00:51:48,408 I'll do your nails. I'll do your hair. 928 00:51:48,445 --> 00:51:50,208 You have no idea what I want to do. 929 00:51:50,247 --> 00:51:52,215 - I'll call him. - I'll dial it! 930 00:51:52,249 --> 00:51:54,911 I'll just get the light. 931 00:51:54,952 --> 00:51:57,887 I think I'm attracted to teachers. 932 00:51:57,921 --> 00:52:00,481 I took out an English teacher. That didn't work out at all. 933 00:52:00,524 --> 00:52:03,049 I sent her a love letter. She corrected it. 934 00:52:05,495 --> 00:52:07,622 Oh, great. Company. 935 00:52:11,868 --> 00:52:14,996 - Those two ought to get a room. - Really. 936 00:52:15,038 --> 00:52:16,505 Actually, I was married twice. 937 00:52:16,540 --> 00:52:20,203 My first wife, Jason's mother, I really loved her. 938 00:52:20,244 --> 00:52:22,576 We had a good thing going, you know? 939 00:52:22,613 --> 00:52:24,808 She passed away about ten years ago. 940 00:52:24,848 --> 00:52:27,476 After that, I screwed around for a few years. 941 00:52:27,517 --> 00:52:30,816 Then I really went nuts... I married Vanessa. 942 00:52:30,854 --> 00:52:32,879 I was just lonely, I guess. 943 00:52:32,923 --> 00:52:34,185 Is that over now? 944 00:52:34,224 --> 00:52:35,919 We were doomed from the start. 945 00:52:35,959 --> 00:52:37,927 I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign. 946 00:52:37,961 --> 00:52:39,189 Together, we made mud. 947 00:52:39,229 --> 00:52:42,721 I picked a beauty. And she played around, too. 948 00:52:42,766 --> 00:52:45,428 When she said, "I do," I should have said, "With who?" 949 00:52:45,469 --> 00:52:47,869 So, are you giving up on women? 950 00:52:47,904 --> 00:52:50,202 I don't know. I can't figure women out. 951 00:52:50,240 --> 00:52:51,537 Today, they're independent. 952 00:52:51,575 --> 00:52:53,440 They only think about themselves. 953 00:52:53,477 --> 00:52:56,674 During sex, Vanessa used to scream out her own name. 954 00:52:58,749 --> 00:53:00,216 I think it's the men who are different. 955 00:53:00,250 --> 00:53:01,512 Ever since the women's movement... 956 00:53:01,551 --> 00:53:03,143 most of the men I meet go out of their way... 957 00:53:03,186 --> 00:53:04,915 to show you how sensitive they are. 958 00:53:04,955 --> 00:53:08,948 Before they were too macho, and now they're too soft. 959 00:53:08,992 --> 00:53:10,960 You all want us to know you can cry. 960 00:53:10,994 --> 00:53:14,020 No, with women, I never cry. Never. 961 00:53:14,064 --> 00:53:15,554 I beg. 962 00:53:19,469 --> 00:53:21,437 If we finish this bottle of wine... 963 00:53:21,471 --> 00:53:23,769 you won't have to beg. 964 00:53:40,757 --> 00:53:41,917 Diane! 965 00:53:43,827 --> 00:53:45,294 Oh, Philip. 966 00:53:45,329 --> 00:53:47,263 We were supposed to go to dinner. 967 00:53:47,297 --> 00:53:49,060 I just had dinner! 968 00:53:49,099 --> 00:53:50,589 I don't believe this. 969 00:53:50,634 --> 00:53:54,764 Maybe it's a dream. Good night, Philip. 970 00:53:55,839 --> 00:53:57,636 You do a good job. 971 00:53:57,674 --> 00:54:00,643 What do you charge for big cars? 972 00:54:11,521 --> 00:54:14,820 I had a lot of fun, Thornton. 973 00:54:14,858 --> 00:54:17,986 Me, too. And thanks for the lesson. 974 00:54:18,028 --> 00:54:19,495 I learned a lot. 975 00:54:19,529 --> 00:54:22,157 You're welcome. I did, too. 976 00:54:24,034 --> 00:54:25,262 Well... 977 00:54:26,403 --> 00:54:29,861 Well, I guess this is good night. 978 00:54:29,906 --> 00:54:31,237 Yeah. 979 00:54:33,243 --> 00:54:35,370 A very good night. 980 00:54:42,152 --> 00:54:43,483 Beautiful. 981 00:54:45,389 --> 00:54:46,686 Oh, that's it. 982 00:54:46,723 --> 00:54:49,089 That's the spot. Just keep doing that. 983 00:54:49,126 --> 00:54:52,095 Oh, don't lose it. 984 00:54:52,129 --> 00:54:54,324 Oh, Lou, you're great. 985 00:54:54,364 --> 00:54:57,265 The leg is better. You got the cramp out. 986 00:54:57,300 --> 00:55:00,701 You're a wreck. You gotta start working out. 987 00:55:00,737 --> 00:55:02,500 And you know what else? 988 00:55:02,539 --> 00:55:05,406 You have got midterms coming up. 989 00:55:05,442 --> 00:55:08,070 You haven't studied five minutes since you got here. 990 00:55:08,111 --> 00:55:09,271 You're always so neat. 991 00:55:09,312 --> 00:55:11,212 You're just like your Uncle Vito. 992 00:55:11,248 --> 00:55:13,842 We were kids, his room was always in order. 993 00:55:13,884 --> 00:55:15,044 His towels lined up neatly... 994 00:55:15,085 --> 00:55:17,246 combs, brushes, hair lotions all in the right place. 995 00:55:17,287 --> 00:55:19,255 What did it mean? What is he today? 996 00:55:19,289 --> 00:55:20,847 He's an attendant in the men's room. 997 00:55:20,891 --> 00:55:23,291 Hey, he's my idol. 998 00:55:23,326 --> 00:55:28,559 But I'm not gonna be folding towels anymore... 999 00:55:28,598 --> 00:55:31,761 'cause I just made... ta da... the diving team. 1000 00:55:31,802 --> 00:55:34,430 That's great! 1001 00:55:34,471 --> 00:55:35,631 I'm takin' you out. 1002 00:55:35,672 --> 00:55:37,367 We'll celebrate. We're havin' a party! 1003 00:55:37,407 --> 00:55:40,001 Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice, but I'm in training now. 1004 00:55:40,043 --> 00:55:42,511 We got a big meet coming up against Northern. 1005 00:55:42,546 --> 00:55:44,605 We'll have a party after the meet. 1006 00:55:44,648 --> 00:55:48,584 Dad, why don't you join me on a little reality break, OK? 1007 00:55:48,618 --> 00:55:50,984 Just 'cause you're in love with Dr. Turner... 1008 00:55:51,021 --> 00:55:53,785 does not mean you're gonna pass her course. 1009 00:55:53,824 --> 00:55:56,418 You got a major paper coming up on Kurt Vonnegut. 1010 00:55:56,460 --> 00:55:58,257 You haven't even read any of the books. 1011 00:55:58,295 --> 00:55:59,956 I tried. 1012 00:55:59,996 --> 00:56:03,159 I don't understand a word of it. 1013 00:56:04,167 --> 00:56:07,159 So, how you gonna write the paper, then? 1014 00:56:11,174 --> 00:56:14,439 Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon. 1015 00:56:17,147 --> 00:56:19,775 Want to come in? Dad? 1016 00:56:22,819 --> 00:56:25,617 I don't want to hear one more word out of you... 1017 00:56:25,655 --> 00:56:27,623 or it's back to the tree. 1018 00:56:27,657 --> 00:56:29,989 Come in. 1019 00:56:30,026 --> 00:56:33,018 Excuse me. Dr. Barazini? 1020 00:56:33,063 --> 00:56:34,428 I'm Thornton Melon. 1021 00:56:34,464 --> 00:56:37,991 Oh, yes, Thornton Melon. I know you. 1022 00:56:38,034 --> 00:56:41,629 You delivered the paper on isomagnetic brain waves... 1023 00:56:41,671 --> 00:56:43,229 in Montreal last year. 1024 00:56:43,273 --> 00:56:45,833 No, I sold you your pants. 1025 00:56:45,876 --> 00:56:47,935 Oh, of course. Good to see you. 1026 00:56:47,978 --> 00:56:49,502 What are you doing here? 1027 00:56:49,546 --> 00:56:51,912 I'm supposed to report here for my lab project. 1028 00:56:51,948 --> 00:56:54,781 Oh, good. I'm trying to teach these here apes... 1029 00:56:54,818 --> 00:56:56,649 how to read and write. 1030 00:56:56,686 --> 00:56:59,484 You ought to teach them how to go to the bathroom. 1031 00:56:59,523 --> 00:57:01,582 You'll get used to that. 1032 00:57:01,625 --> 00:57:06,392 Now, all you have to do is put a new tape... 1033 00:57:06,429 --> 00:57:10,058 in the tape machine every hour and observe the animals. 1034 00:57:10,100 --> 00:57:12,261 I'll be back in a few hours to check on you. 1035 00:57:12,302 --> 00:57:14,862 - OK, fine. - All righty. 1036 00:57:16,706 --> 00:57:20,039 You don't need this. I'll find you an organ grinder. 1037 00:57:29,986 --> 00:57:32,147 Hiya, Marge? A few things. 1038 00:57:32,188 --> 00:57:34,850 I need you and the gang to get down here as fast as you can. 1039 00:57:34,891 --> 00:57:36,518 And I have to talk to Peterson, the accountant. 1040 00:57:36,560 --> 00:57:37,925 I'm gonna need him, too. 1041 00:57:37,961 --> 00:57:41,260 Oh, thanks. And, Marge, I need... 1042 00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:46,498 See if you can get somebody at the Rand Corporation... 1043 00:57:46,536 --> 00:57:49,403 or the Brookings Institute to come down here for about a week. 1044 00:57:51,975 --> 00:57:53,169 What? 1045 00:57:55,045 --> 00:57:58,037 And Russell hits him with a powerful front body slam! 1046 00:58:03,019 --> 00:58:04,316 No problem. 1047 00:58:04,354 --> 00:58:06,754 They're takin' a break, that's all. 1048 00:58:08,258 --> 00:58:12,490 In 1971, the United States accumulated deficits... 1049 00:58:12,529 --> 00:58:15,464 greater than the supply of gold the country held. 1050 00:58:15,498 --> 00:58:18,194 In that year, Richard Nixon... 1051 00:58:18,234 --> 00:58:21,169 took the United States off the gold standard. 1052 00:58:21,204 --> 00:58:23,536 In doing so, he disrupted... 1053 00:58:26,242 --> 00:58:29,177 the entire international monetary system. 1054 00:58:29,212 --> 00:58:31,942 What is that clicking noise? 1055 00:58:37,053 --> 00:58:39,112 Are you a student in this class? 1056 00:58:40,957 --> 00:58:42,356 No. 1057 00:58:42,392 --> 00:58:44,917 Who are you? 1058 00:58:44,961 --> 00:58:48,226 I'm Marge Sweetwater... 1059 00:58:48,264 --> 00:58:50,562 Mr. Thornton Melon's private secretary. 1060 00:58:57,607 --> 00:59:00,599 What are you doing here? 1061 00:59:00,644 --> 00:59:04,045 I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon. 1062 00:59:07,784 --> 00:59:12,016 He told you to write down everything I say? 1063 00:59:12,055 --> 00:59:14,785 Yes, he did. 1064 00:59:14,824 --> 00:59:16,257 Good. 1065 00:59:18,695 --> 00:59:20,993 Take this down. 1066 00:59:23,733 --> 00:59:27,100 Mr. Melon, no matter what you do... 1067 00:59:28,672 --> 00:59:31,539 no matter what stunts you pull... 1068 00:59:31,574 --> 00:59:34,702 no matter how hard you try... 1069 00:59:34,744 --> 00:59:39,204 you will never, ever pass this course. 1070 00:59:42,152 --> 00:59:44,620 Make sure he gets that. 1071 00:59:47,691 --> 00:59:49,659 Yes, sir. 1072 00:59:49,693 --> 00:59:50,853 I'll tell you what. 1073 00:59:50,894 --> 00:59:53,124 It's for Barbay. Make it an "A." 1074 00:59:53,163 --> 00:59:55,324 Where's the lab report on psychology? 1075 00:59:55,365 --> 00:59:56,696 Here. 1076 00:59:58,702 --> 01:00:01,865 It's too light. It feels like a "C." 1077 01:00:01,905 --> 01:00:05,170 Bulk it up and add a few multicolored graphs. 1078 01:00:05,208 --> 01:00:07,836 - Yo, Dad. - Jason, hold it, will ya? 1079 01:00:07,877 --> 01:00:10,573 Listen, everybody. Let's see "As" across the board. 1080 01:00:10,613 --> 01:00:11,773 I'll tell you what... 1081 01:00:11,815 --> 01:00:14,215 a ten percent bonus for every grade over "B." 1082 01:00:14,250 --> 01:00:18,812 And an A+ gets you a free trip to Hawaii... off-season. 1083 01:00:20,356 --> 01:00:24,190 - Dad, what's going on here? - I'm doing my homework. 1084 01:00:24,227 --> 01:00:26,422 No, they're doing your homework. 1085 01:00:26,463 --> 01:00:29,398 A good executive knows how to delegate authority. 1086 01:00:29,432 --> 01:00:32,026 I took care of you, too. 1087 01:00:32,068 --> 01:00:35,834 - And what's this? - Your astronomy report. 1088 01:00:35,872 --> 01:00:38,363 - What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with you? 1089 01:00:38,408 --> 01:00:40,774 I want to write that paper. I'm gonna write that paper. 1090 01:00:40,810 --> 01:00:43,301 That's why I'm taking astronomy, to learn something! 1091 01:00:43,346 --> 01:00:45,314 You're never gonna learn a goddamn thing... 1092 01:00:45,348 --> 01:00:47,373 if you got people doing your work for you! 1093 01:00:47,417 --> 01:00:49,317 Oh, never mind. 1094 01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:55,350 Kids... they always do things the hard way. 1095 01:00:55,391 --> 01:00:59,259 Ladies and gentlemen, the visiting team... 1096 01:00:59,295 --> 01:01:02,594 the Northern University Wildcats! 1097 01:01:04,067 --> 01:01:08,561 And your Grand Lakes University Hooters! 1098 01:01:08,605 --> 01:01:11,369 - Hey, there's your boy! - Jason! 1099 01:01:15,445 --> 01:01:18,573 While the teams are warming up, we'd like to remind you... 1100 01:01:18,615 --> 01:01:20,674 that all proceeds from the refreshment stands... 1101 01:01:20,717 --> 01:01:22,412 go to your student government. 1102 01:01:22,452 --> 01:01:25,421 Hey, Valerie. How you doin'? 1103 01:01:25,455 --> 01:01:27,548 Glad you could come. Listen. 1104 01:01:27,590 --> 01:01:30,525 My dad is having a party tonight at the dorm... 1105 01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:33,461 and it should be pretty great. His parties usually are. 1106 01:01:33,496 --> 01:01:38,195 I'd love to come, except for I have a date. 1107 01:01:38,234 --> 01:01:41,692 Oh. Well, hey, bring him along. 1108 01:01:41,738 --> 01:01:44,229 It's OK. You just both come by. 1109 01:01:44,274 --> 01:01:46,139 I'll really try. 1110 01:01:46,176 --> 01:01:48,144 Good. I hope I'll see you there. 1111 01:01:48,178 --> 01:01:51,272 It sounds like fun. I wish my dad were more like yours. 1112 01:02:01,958 --> 01:02:04,586 Hey, Chas. 1113 01:02:04,627 --> 01:02:06,390 Good luck, buddy. Let's get them. 1114 01:02:06,429 --> 01:02:10,024 Yeah. Thanks, Melon. I'd wish you luck, too... 1115 01:02:10,066 --> 01:02:12,091 but I guess a guy like you doesn't need luck. 1116 01:02:13,102 --> 01:02:15,093 What's that supposed to mean? 1117 01:02:15,138 --> 01:02:17,197 With your old man behind you... 1118 01:02:17,240 --> 01:02:19,765 I figured since he bought your way onto the team... 1119 01:02:19,809 --> 01:02:22,277 he probably bought off the judges, too. 1120 01:02:26,349 --> 01:02:28,977 Oh, there's Thornton. 1121 01:02:29,018 --> 01:02:31,111 Diane! 1122 01:02:32,722 --> 01:02:36,180 I can't imagine what you can possibly see in that man. 1123 01:02:36,226 --> 01:02:39,457 Philip, would you excuse me for a minute? 1124 01:02:43,333 --> 01:02:45,358 Yes, yes. 1125 01:02:45,401 --> 01:02:47,426 - You look great. - Oh, thanks. 1126 01:02:47,470 --> 01:02:49,267 Where you been? I called you a hundred times. 1127 01:02:49,305 --> 01:02:51,273 I made four dates with your answering machine. 1128 01:02:51,307 --> 01:02:53,298 I'm sorry I missed you. Things have been so hectic. 1129 01:02:53,343 --> 01:02:56,176 I've been reading midterm papers and grading exams. 1130 01:02:56,212 --> 01:02:57,440 Did you read mine yet? 1131 01:02:57,480 --> 01:02:59,345 Not yet, but I'm looking forward to it. 1132 01:02:59,382 --> 01:03:01,247 I'm throwing a party in our room tonight... 1133 01:03:01,284 --> 01:03:02,774 and you better be there. 1134 01:03:02,819 --> 01:03:05,811 I'm sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight. 1135 01:03:05,855 --> 01:03:09,518 Bring him along. We may run out of ice. 1136 01:03:12,228 --> 01:03:16,324 First diver for Grand Lakes University... 1137 01:03:16,366 --> 01:03:18,630 Chas Osbourne. 1138 01:03:41,791 --> 01:03:45,420 Hey, Coach! How are ya? How you doin', huh? 1139 01:03:50,066 --> 01:03:55,299 Next diver for Grand Lakes... Jason Melon. 1140 01:03:55,338 --> 01:03:57,636 Melon. 1141 01:04:42,885 --> 01:04:43,977 What's going on? 1142 01:04:44,020 --> 01:04:45,749 This is always the best party of the year. 1143 01:04:45,788 --> 01:04:48,416 I don't know. Some big event at the dorms. 1144 01:04:48,458 --> 01:04:52,019 - We're thinkin' of going over. - To Melon's? Are you nuts? 1145 01:04:52,061 --> 01:04:53,528 Why don't we go? 1146 01:04:53,563 --> 01:04:55,394 Valerie, please. It'll be horrible. 1147 01:04:55,431 --> 01:04:58,127 Jason said it would be great. It might be fun. 1148 01:04:58,167 --> 01:05:01,466 Jason's a twerp. We could have won if it weren't for him. 1149 01:05:01,504 --> 01:05:04,166 Haven't you ever messed up? 1150 01:05:04,207 --> 01:05:05,401 No. 1151 01:05:10,413 --> 01:05:15,043 I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go 1152 01:05:15,084 --> 01:05:16,813 Hey, baby! 1153 01:05:16,853 --> 01:05:20,084 Walking with a dead man over my shoulder 1154 01:05:22,859 --> 01:05:25,657 I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go 1155 01:05:27,997 --> 01:05:30,261 I love three girls at once. 1156 01:05:30,299 --> 01:05:33,359 If I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to. 1157 01:05:41,044 --> 01:05:43,342 Nice look. What are you going for? 1158 01:05:43,379 --> 01:05:45,745 The heavy, disassociated artist thing... 1159 01:05:45,782 --> 01:05:49,548 or the "I'm going blind" thing? 1160 01:05:49,585 --> 01:05:53,521 Oh, It's the deaf thing. Maybe this will cheer you up. 1161 01:05:53,556 --> 01:05:55,956 Oh, do me! 1162 01:05:55,992 --> 01:05:57,653 Derek! Get up, will ya? 1163 01:05:57,693 --> 01:06:00,856 You look like the poster boy for birth control. 1164 01:06:04,567 --> 01:06:07,035 Jason, it's a party. What's your story? 1165 01:06:07,070 --> 01:06:09,038 What's the matter? The swim meet? 1166 01:06:09,072 --> 01:06:13,031 Forget about it. It's history. 1167 01:06:13,076 --> 01:06:15,442 Come on, will ya? Snap into it! 1168 01:06:15,478 --> 01:06:17,810 You're right, Dad. It doesn't matter, Dad! 1169 01:06:17,847 --> 01:06:19,940 Right, Dad? Come on, party, right? 1170 01:06:27,423 --> 01:06:29,618 Hey, buddy! 1171 01:06:29,659 --> 01:06:31,991 Everybody, make some noise, have some fun! 1172 01:06:38,367 --> 01:06:40,164 What's that noise? 1173 01:06:40,203 --> 01:06:42,262 It's a party, Philip. Midterms, remember? 1174 01:06:42,305 --> 01:06:44,796 They're just blowing off steam. 1175 01:06:44,841 --> 01:06:46,069 You there. 1176 01:06:48,444 --> 01:06:49,741 What's going on here? 1177 01:06:49,779 --> 01:06:53,977 The Melon man is throwing the greatest party of all time! 1178 01:06:54,016 --> 01:06:57,110 The whole world is there. It's the best thing... 1179 01:06:57,153 --> 01:06:59,451 that's ever happened to me in my whole life! 1180 01:06:59,489 --> 01:07:01,787 Oh, God. 1181 01:07:06,162 --> 01:07:08,221 Look at that! 1182 01:07:08,264 --> 01:07:09,424 Listen to that racket. 1183 01:07:09,465 --> 01:07:11,729 This is disgraceful. I should phone security. 1184 01:07:11,767 --> 01:07:13,428 Oh, Philip. 1185 01:07:18,341 --> 01:07:21,538 Good. Apparently I'm not the only one around here... 1186 01:07:21,577 --> 01:07:23,135 with a sense of decency. 1187 01:07:29,418 --> 01:07:31,215 Yeah. Cool! 1188 01:07:35,057 --> 01:07:37,491 Did you see... where are you going? 1189 01:07:37,527 --> 01:07:39,495 Intellectual curiosity, Philip. 1190 01:07:39,529 --> 01:07:40,894 Sounds fun in there. Come with me. 1191 01:07:40,930 --> 01:07:43,831 - Oh, please! - Oh, Philip! 1192 01:07:47,703 --> 01:07:50,263 It's a dead man's party 1193 01:07:50,306 --> 01:07:52,467 Who could ask for more 1194 01:07:53,543 --> 01:07:55,477 Everybody's coming 1195 01:07:55,511 --> 01:07:58,412 Leave your body at the door 1196 01:07:58,447 --> 01:08:02,247 Leave your body and soul at the door 1197 01:08:03,252 --> 01:08:05,777 Don't run away 1198 01:08:05,821 --> 01:08:08,585 It's only me 1199 01:08:15,498 --> 01:08:17,659 Don't run away 1200 01:08:17,700 --> 01:08:20,999 It's only me, only me 1201 01:08:21,037 --> 01:08:24,302 Don't be afraid 1202 01:08:24,340 --> 01:08:28,800 Of what you can't see 1203 01:08:28,844 --> 01:08:31,005 Say when. 1204 01:08:31,047 --> 01:08:33,641 Right after this drink. 1205 01:08:33,683 --> 01:08:36,049 Hey, what's a bath without Bubbles? 1206 01:08:36,085 --> 01:08:38,747 Hey, Bubbles, come over here, will ya? 1207 01:08:41,057 --> 01:08:43,651 Well! 1208 01:08:43,693 --> 01:08:45,923 - Hi there. - Hi! 1209 01:08:45,962 --> 01:08:48,123 - What's your favorite subject? - Poetry. 1210 01:08:48,164 --> 01:08:52,157 Really? Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow. 1211 01:08:55,905 --> 01:08:57,964 Excuse me. Have you seen Thornton Melon? 1212 01:08:58,007 --> 01:08:59,770 I think he's in there. 1213 01:08:59,809 --> 01:09:00,969 Thanks. 1214 01:09:07,450 --> 01:09:10,317 Excuse me. Has anyone seen Thornton Melon? 1215 01:09:11,487 --> 01:09:14,081 That's what I call marine biology. 1216 01:09:14,123 --> 01:09:15,522 Diane! 1217 01:09:17,226 --> 01:09:19,387 Say hello to my nieces. 1218 01:09:20,963 --> 01:09:22,362 Wait a minute! 1219 01:09:27,036 --> 01:09:31,473 Jason? There you are. I was looking all over for you. 1220 01:09:31,507 --> 01:09:35,568 Jason, are you OK? I'm sorry about the swim meet. 1221 01:09:35,611 --> 01:09:38,808 Shit. Swim meet. 1222 01:09:38,848 --> 01:09:41,578 Jesus, you think I care about the swim meet? 1223 01:09:41,617 --> 01:09:43,482 I mean, it's just a stupid college game. 1224 01:09:43,519 --> 01:09:44,850 It's just bullshit. 1225 01:09:44,887 --> 01:09:46,821 Why are you acting like this? 1226 01:09:46,856 --> 01:09:48,847 I know you don't think like that. 1227 01:09:48,891 --> 01:09:51,257 Oh, you do? 1228 01:09:51,294 --> 01:09:54,354 Grow up, Valerie. You think this is real? 1229 01:09:54,397 --> 01:09:57,491 This isn't real. College is a dream world. 1230 01:09:57,533 --> 01:09:59,262 This is something you do to pass the time... 1231 01:09:59,302 --> 01:10:01,827 till you go out in the real world and start buying people. 1232 01:10:01,871 --> 01:10:04,533 Let's go for a walk and talk this out. 1233 01:10:04,573 --> 01:10:06,666 There you are. 1234 01:10:06,709 --> 01:10:08,700 Can we go? I'm bored. 1235 01:10:08,744 --> 01:10:09,972 Oh, Christ, Osbourne... 1236 01:10:10,012 --> 01:10:12,207 will you just get your ass outta here? 1237 01:10:12,248 --> 01:10:14,273 What a surprise. Another shit-faced Melon. 1238 01:10:14,317 --> 01:10:16,478 Do I gotta knock your teeth down your throat? 1239 01:10:16,519 --> 01:10:19,420 Easy. Your father isn't here to back you up this time. 1240 01:10:21,424 --> 01:10:22,891 Don't! 1241 01:10:27,263 --> 01:10:28,560 Are you OK? 1242 01:10:28,597 --> 01:10:32,294 Jason! I was lookin' for ya. 1243 01:10:32,335 --> 01:10:35,304 Hey, come here. Where ya goin'? 1244 01:10:35,338 --> 01:10:37,806 Where am I going? 1245 01:10:37,840 --> 01:10:40,536 I'm leaving school, Dad. One of us has gotta go. 1246 01:10:40,576 --> 01:10:42,771 You're having such a great time. I'm getting out. 1247 01:10:42,812 --> 01:10:44,279 Why? I don't get it. 1248 01:10:44,313 --> 01:10:46,008 Because you didn't win the diving meet? 1249 01:10:46,048 --> 01:10:47,811 No, not because I didn't win! 1250 01:10:47,850 --> 01:10:49,545 Because I shouldn't even have been there. 1251 01:10:49,585 --> 01:10:51,075 Chas told me you bribed the coach... 1252 01:10:51,120 --> 01:10:52,587 to put me on the team. Real good! 1253 01:10:52,621 --> 01:10:55,852 What? And you believed him. I never lied to you in my life. 1254 01:10:55,891 --> 01:10:57,153 I didn't bribe the coach. 1255 01:10:57,193 --> 01:10:58,922 You were on the team because you deserve it. 1256 01:10:58,961 --> 01:11:00,690 You made it on your own. 1257 01:11:00,730 --> 01:11:02,527 Dad, you don't get it. 1258 01:11:02,565 --> 01:11:04,123 Everything I have is because of you... 1259 01:11:04,166 --> 01:11:05,326 and because of you... 1260 01:11:05,368 --> 01:11:09,065 I get my astronomy homework done for me by NASA. 1261 01:11:09,105 --> 01:11:12,131 I just want the best for you. That's all I ever wanted. 1262 01:11:14,710 --> 01:11:16,371 I did it all for you. 1263 01:11:17,847 --> 01:11:20,372 I know, but you don't know when to quit. 1264 01:11:20,416 --> 01:11:24,284 I know you came here to help me, and I really appreciate it... 1265 01:11:24,320 --> 01:11:27,118 and it's really sweet, and it's really not working. 1266 01:11:27,156 --> 01:11:29,021 Can't you let me just do something for myself? 1267 01:11:29,058 --> 01:11:31,151 I just want to see you happy. 1268 01:11:31,193 --> 01:11:33,821 Well, take a good look! 1269 01:11:33,863 --> 01:11:37,492 'Cause I was a lot happier when I was miserable. 1270 01:11:49,111 --> 01:11:50,874 I enjoyed reading that, Susan. 1271 01:11:50,913 --> 01:11:52,210 It's a nice improvement. Thank you. 1272 01:11:52,248 --> 01:11:54,773 Diane, why'd you fail me? 1273 01:11:54,817 --> 01:11:57,308 I didn't, Thornton. You failed me. 1274 01:11:57,353 --> 01:12:00,811 - Is it because of last night? - No. I can accept the fact... 1275 01:12:00,856 --> 01:12:02,824 that you're completely regressed emotionally... 1276 01:12:02,858 --> 01:12:05,827 but you won't pass my course by turning in someone else's work. 1277 01:12:05,861 --> 01:12:08,591 What do you think, someone else wrote this? 1278 01:12:08,631 --> 01:12:11,065 All I know is that you didn't. That's what disappoints me. 1279 01:12:11,100 --> 01:12:13,159 Whoever did write it... 1280 01:12:13,202 --> 01:12:15,830 doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut. 1281 01:12:15,871 --> 01:12:17,133 And another thing, Vonnegut. 1282 01:12:17,173 --> 01:12:19,573 I'm going to stop payment on the check. 1283 01:12:19,608 --> 01:12:22,076 What's that? Fuck me? 1284 01:12:22,111 --> 01:12:25,740 Kurt, do you read lips? Fuck you! 1285 01:12:25,781 --> 01:12:27,772 Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum. 1286 01:12:31,754 --> 01:12:33,688 Derek, have you seen Jason? 1287 01:12:33,722 --> 01:12:36,691 I think he's on a three-state killing spree. 1288 01:12:36,725 --> 01:12:38,522 Here's some more potentially bad news. 1289 01:12:38,561 --> 01:12:41,428 Dean Martin wants to see you in his office right away. 1290 01:12:41,464 --> 01:12:42,795 Dean Martin. 1291 01:12:44,800 --> 01:12:49,260 And she said, "Let's do it. The room's already paid for." 1292 01:12:53,409 --> 01:12:57,072 Oh, golly. I'm afraid we have... 1293 01:12:57,112 --> 01:13:00,980 a potentially unpleasant situation on our hands here. 1294 01:13:01,016 --> 01:13:04,144 Phil, would you repeat to Mr. Melon... 1295 01:13:04,186 --> 01:13:07,280 the allegations that you've made to me? 1296 01:13:07,323 --> 01:13:10,292 It's clear the work you've handed in is not your own. 1297 01:13:10,326 --> 01:13:12,726 I'm accusing you of academic fraud. 1298 01:13:12,761 --> 01:13:16,492 Fraud is such an ugly word... 1299 01:13:16,532 --> 01:13:19,467 considering the financial generosity... 1300 01:13:19,502 --> 01:13:22,494 that Mr. Melon has shown towards our fine university. 1301 01:13:22,538 --> 01:13:25,234 I think Mr. Melon should be expelled. 1302 01:13:26,876 --> 01:13:30,039 What are you going to do about it? 1303 01:13:31,514 --> 01:13:33,641 Well, Thornton... 1304 01:13:33,682 --> 01:13:36,310 I'm only going to ask you this one time. 1305 01:13:36,352 --> 01:13:39,913 Is the work that you turned in your own? 1306 01:13:43,726 --> 01:13:46,251 I can't lie to you, Dean Martin. 1307 01:13:48,831 --> 01:13:50,321 Yes, it is. 1308 01:13:50,366 --> 01:13:52,960 I'm satisfied. 1309 01:13:53,002 --> 01:13:55,163 - Phil? - I'm outraged. 1310 01:13:55,204 --> 01:13:58,264 Gee whiz, Phil! I just asked the man... 1311 01:13:58,307 --> 01:14:00,434 if the work was his, and he said yes. 1312 01:14:00,476 --> 01:14:03,104 What do you want me to do, torture him? 1313 01:14:04,547 --> 01:14:07,880 I suggest a comprehensive oral examination... 1314 01:14:07,917 --> 01:14:10,317 conducted by all of Mr. Melon's professors. 1315 01:14:10,352 --> 01:14:11,819 Oral examination? 1316 01:14:11,854 --> 01:14:15,381 Yes. If you've done the work you say you have... 1317 01:14:15,424 --> 01:14:18,723 there should be no problem, should there? 1318 01:14:20,596 --> 01:14:22,962 Hey, Jase. 1319 01:14:22,998 --> 01:14:25,558 Hey, Lou. How you doin'? 1320 01:14:25,601 --> 01:14:27,466 Come here. I want to tell you something. 1321 01:14:27,503 --> 01:14:28,629 What? 1322 01:14:28,671 --> 01:14:30,901 You were pretty hard on your father last night. 1323 01:14:30,940 --> 01:14:33,340 I know, but the guy doesn't understand. 1324 01:14:33,375 --> 01:14:36,071 I know your pop thirty years. He understands. 1325 01:14:36,111 --> 01:14:38,477 He's a nice guy, and he's tough. 1326 01:14:38,514 --> 01:14:42,575 Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. 1327 01:14:42,618 --> 01:14:45,143 I'll give you an idea what I mean. 1328 01:14:45,187 --> 01:14:47,815 My two boys... I put one through college... 1329 01:14:47,856 --> 01:14:49,687 and the other I put through a wall. 1330 01:14:51,160 --> 01:14:53,151 Your papa loves you. 1331 01:14:54,430 --> 01:14:57,991 He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him. 1332 01:15:23,525 --> 01:15:24,822 What's goin' on? 1333 01:15:24,860 --> 01:15:27,624 I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason. 1334 01:15:27,663 --> 01:15:30,894 This college thing was a big mistake. 1335 01:15:30,933 --> 01:15:33,766 - So you're gonna give up? - I can't win. 1336 01:15:33,802 --> 01:15:36,430 They want me to take oral exams in all my subjects. 1337 01:15:36,472 --> 01:15:38,940 If I don't take them, they'll kick me out. 1338 01:15:38,974 --> 01:15:41,534 And if I take 'em, who knows where they'll kick me. 1339 01:15:44,313 --> 01:15:46,679 Hey, Dad, you remember what you told me... 1340 01:15:46,715 --> 01:15:48,842 when I told you I wanted to quit? 1341 01:15:48,884 --> 01:15:52,285 You told me that a man without an education is nothing. 1342 01:15:52,321 --> 01:15:53,413 I can't do it. 1343 01:15:53,455 --> 01:15:54,945 You can do anything you want to do. 1344 01:15:54,990 --> 01:15:58,118 You can do anything you want in life. 1345 01:15:58,160 --> 01:16:00,128 Remember, you're a Melon. 1346 01:16:04,133 --> 01:16:06,931 Don't quit. I'll help you. 1347 01:17:33,422 --> 01:17:35,686 Before we begin... 1348 01:17:35,724 --> 01:17:39,216 I would just like to thank each and every professor here... 1349 01:17:39,261 --> 01:17:44,198 for taking time out of his/her extremely busy schedule. 1350 01:17:44,233 --> 01:17:47,327 And a special thanks, of course, to Mr. Thornton Melon... 1351 01:17:47,369 --> 01:17:50,463 who I don't have to remind anyone is the donor... 1352 01:17:50,506 --> 01:17:53,407 of our new Melon School of Business. 1353 01:18:01,784 --> 01:18:03,752 We're wasting time. 1354 01:18:03,786 --> 01:18:06,414 Sorry, Phil. 1355 01:18:06,455 --> 01:18:09,754 Now, Mr. Melon, you'll have three hours... 1356 01:18:09,792 --> 01:18:11,760 to complete the examination. 1357 01:18:11,794 --> 01:18:16,561 If you fail any part of it, you will be expelled. 1358 01:18:16,598 --> 01:18:19,294 Mr. Melon, do you understand? 1359 01:18:21,170 --> 01:18:23,468 - The Council of Trent. - Excuse me? 1360 01:18:23,505 --> 01:18:25,029 I missed the question. 1361 01:18:25,073 --> 01:18:26,904 We haven't begun yet. 1362 01:18:29,077 --> 01:18:32,103 Well, Dr. Barbay, I suppose you're up first. 1363 01:18:46,595 --> 01:18:51,055 I have only one question for Mr. Melon... 1364 01:18:55,504 --> 01:18:58,667 in 27 parts. 1365 01:19:01,343 --> 01:19:04,073 I'd like to break him in 27 parts. 1366 01:19:04,112 --> 01:19:05,477 Excuse me? 1367 01:19:05,514 --> 01:19:06,879 No, nothin', nothin'. 1368 01:19:09,918 --> 01:19:13,285 Discuss the foundations of modern global business systems. 1369 01:19:13,322 --> 01:19:16,086 Part one: Define and differentiate... 1370 01:19:16,124 --> 01:19:18,092 the three economic philosophies... 1371 01:19:18,126 --> 01:19:20,321 of capitalism, socialism and communism... 1372 01:19:20,362 --> 01:19:23,889 as pertains to: A... management fundamentals; 1373 01:19:23,932 --> 01:19:26,093 B... organizing and staffing; 1374 01:19:26,134 --> 01:19:28,125 C... labor management; 1375 01:19:28,170 --> 01:19:30,900 and D... production and operations. 1376 01:19:30,939 --> 01:19:33,965 Part two... 1377 01:19:34,009 --> 01:19:36,978 Are you getting all this, Mr. Melon? 1378 01:19:37,012 --> 01:19:39,776 Yeah. It's a piece o' cake. 1379 01:19:42,417 --> 01:19:44,851 Jason? 1380 01:19:49,858 --> 01:19:51,826 Valerie. 1381 01:19:51,860 --> 01:19:56,422 I wanted to apologize for the other night... 1382 01:19:56,465 --> 01:20:00,868 my behavior and the things I said. 1383 01:20:00,903 --> 01:20:02,495 And to thank you... 1384 01:20:02,537 --> 01:20:05,734 for your behavior and the things you said. 1385 01:20:06,875 --> 01:20:10,402 I'm really sorry. 1386 01:20:10,445 --> 01:20:12,470 And I'm really in love with you... 1387 01:20:12,514 --> 01:20:14,277 and I really have been for a very long time. 1388 01:20:14,316 --> 01:20:17,444 And I can't believe I'm saying this. 1389 01:20:17,486 --> 01:20:20,387 I don't want to embarrass you... 1390 01:20:20,422 --> 01:20:23,755 or make you feel uncomfortable with me... 1391 01:20:23,792 --> 01:20:26,317 but... 1392 01:20:26,361 --> 01:20:32,061 I've been needing to tell you this for a very long time. 1393 01:20:34,836 --> 01:20:37,066 Are you aware that that's the most... 1394 01:20:37,105 --> 01:20:39,630 you've ever said to me at one time? 1395 01:20:39,675 --> 01:20:43,042 Except, of course, for the time that you were ravingly drunk. 1396 01:20:44,780 --> 01:20:46,270 I love you, too. 1397 01:21:08,403 --> 01:21:12,134 In response to Roman numeral 27... 1398 01:21:12,174 --> 01:21:15,143 section three, part two... 1399 01:21:15,177 --> 01:21:18,908 of subset D... of the question... 1400 01:21:18,947 --> 01:21:21,347 the answer is... 1401 01:21:22,417 --> 01:21:24,078 Mr. Melon? 1402 01:21:31,793 --> 01:21:33,021 Mr. Melon? 1403 01:21:33,061 --> 01:21:36,895 Hey, relax. This man's been put under a lot of pressure. 1404 01:21:36,932 --> 01:21:38,900 Let's take it easy on him. 1405 01:21:38,934 --> 01:21:41,095 Say it! Say it! 1406 01:21:42,571 --> 01:21:45,563 The answer is... four? 1407 01:21:52,781 --> 01:21:53,770 Right. 1408 01:22:00,822 --> 01:22:02,983 Dr. Turner? 1409 01:22:07,863 --> 01:22:10,331 Hold it. That's it. 1410 01:22:10,365 --> 01:22:11,957 I can't take it no more. 1411 01:22:12,000 --> 01:22:16,630 I feel like I just gave birth to an accountant. 1412 01:22:17,973 --> 01:22:19,463 Wait a minute, Thornton. 1413 01:22:31,386 --> 01:22:35,220 Thornton, do you remember when we discussed... 1414 01:22:35,257 --> 01:22:36,815 the Dylan Thomas poem... 1415 01:22:36,858 --> 01:22:39,383 "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night"? 1416 01:22:39,428 --> 01:22:41,453 I don't know. 1417 01:22:41,496 --> 01:22:43,896 No. Maybe. 1418 01:22:43,932 --> 01:22:45,832 Thornton, think. 1419 01:22:45,867 --> 01:22:47,698 What's going on here? 1420 01:22:49,104 --> 01:22:52,562 Philip, relax. It's my turn. 1421 01:22:56,978 --> 01:22:58,343 Do you remember it? 1422 01:23:00,048 --> 01:23:03,211 "Do not go gentle into... 1423 01:23:03,251 --> 01:23:05,811 "into that good night. 1424 01:23:07,989 --> 01:23:10,719 "Old age should burn and rage... 1425 01:23:10,759 --> 01:23:14,855 "at close of day. 1426 01:23:14,896 --> 01:23:18,229 "Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 1427 01:23:18,266 --> 01:23:20,700 "Wild men who caught... 1428 01:23:20,735 --> 01:23:23,761 "and sang the sun in flight and learned too late... 1429 01:23:23,805 --> 01:23:26,501 "they grieved it on its way. 1430 01:23:26,541 --> 01:23:30,102 "Do not go gentle into that good night. 1431 01:23:30,145 --> 01:23:32,807 "Grave men near death... 1432 01:23:32,848 --> 01:23:35,316 "who see with blinding sight. 1433 01:23:35,350 --> 01:23:38,751 "Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay. 1434 01:23:38,787 --> 01:23:42,985 "Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 1435 01:23:43,024 --> 01:23:47,757 "And you, my father, there on the sad height. 1436 01:23:47,796 --> 01:23:49,821 "Curse, bless me now... 1437 01:23:49,865 --> 01:23:51,799 "with your fierce tears, I pray. 1438 01:23:51,833 --> 01:23:55,200 "Do not go gentle into that good night. 1439 01:23:55,237 --> 01:23:59,298 "Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!" 1440 01:23:59,341 --> 01:24:02,139 Thornton, what does that poem mean to you? 1441 01:24:02,177 --> 01:24:04,270 It means... 1442 01:24:04,312 --> 01:24:06,610 I don't take shit from no one. 1443 01:24:08,049 --> 01:24:10,040 I'm gonna pass this test. 1444 01:24:10,085 --> 01:24:13,646 I'm stayin' in school! Who's next? 1445 01:24:16,691 --> 01:24:19,751 Now diving for the Atlantic Eastern Eagles... 1446 01:24:19,794 --> 01:24:23,753 current conference champion... Doug Nelson. 1447 01:24:23,798 --> 01:24:26,323 You know what you almost never see? 1448 01:24:26,368 --> 01:24:29,496 Somebody heckling a diver. 1449 01:24:42,150 --> 01:24:45,142 - You're all right, kid. - Thanks, Lou. 1450 01:24:45,187 --> 01:24:49,851 Please refrain from making loud noises during the dives. 1451 01:24:52,027 --> 01:24:55,929 Next up, the Atlantic Eastern Eagles'... 1452 01:24:55,964 --> 01:24:57,989 Bill Steincap. 1453 01:25:16,484 --> 01:25:20,477 That concludes Atlantic Eastern's ten-meter dives. 1454 01:25:20,522 --> 01:25:23,320 Next up, the Grand Lakes Hooters. 1455 01:25:26,261 --> 01:25:27,888 We would like to remind you... 1456 01:25:27,929 --> 01:25:30,193 tickets to all Grand Lakes sporting events... 1457 01:25:30,232 --> 01:25:33,292 are available through the student services office. 1458 01:25:33,335 --> 01:25:35,428 Are you interested in Valerie Desmond? 1459 01:25:35,470 --> 01:25:38,064 She's with me. 1460 01:25:38,106 --> 01:25:40,836 Coming into your own, are you, Melon? 1461 01:25:40,875 --> 01:25:42,342 I wouldn't break my arm... 1462 01:25:42,377 --> 01:25:44,607 patting myself on the back if I were you. 1463 01:25:44,646 --> 01:25:46,637 Because... get this, towel boy... 1464 01:25:46,681 --> 01:25:49,809 no matter what you think, you will always be a crude... 1465 01:25:49,851 --> 01:25:52,479 obnoxious, nouveau riche little phlebe... 1466 01:25:52,520 --> 01:25:54,852 and you're gonna end up just like your father. 1467 01:25:54,889 --> 01:25:58,848 God, I hope so, 'cause I happen to love the guy. 1468 01:25:58,893 --> 01:26:02,192 First up for Grand Lakes University... 1469 01:26:02,230 --> 01:26:04,357 Chas Osbourne... 1470 01:26:04,399 --> 01:26:07,129 former national high school champion. 1471 01:26:34,429 --> 01:26:37,421 - Jason dive yet? - Not yet. Did you pass? 1472 01:26:37,465 --> 01:26:38,932 I don't know. They'll let me know. 1473 01:26:38,967 --> 01:26:41,697 Now diving for Grand Lakes University... 1474 01:26:41,736 --> 01:26:44,068 Jason Melon. 1475 01:27:03,792 --> 01:27:05,817 Attaboy, Jason! You did it! 1476 01:27:11,199 --> 01:27:12,223 All right! 1477 01:27:17,038 --> 01:27:19,506 I can't believe it. We could actually win this. 1478 01:27:19,541 --> 01:27:23,500 Melon's dive has put the Hooters back in this meet. 1479 01:27:24,979 --> 01:27:26,446 What's the matter? 1480 01:27:27,982 --> 01:27:29,950 You're up next, Chas. 1481 01:27:32,887 --> 01:27:34,980 I have got a really bad cramp. 1482 01:27:35,023 --> 01:27:37,321 I've been having really bad cramps all week. 1483 01:27:37,359 --> 01:27:40,624 - It's probably menstrual. - Screw you, Melon! 1484 01:27:43,298 --> 01:27:47,257 Coach Turnbull, you got another eligible diver? 1485 01:27:49,704 --> 01:27:51,171 Melon! 1486 01:27:54,542 --> 01:27:58,842 Melon! We need ya! Get your suit on! 1487 01:27:58,880 --> 01:28:00,006 Go ahead. 1488 01:28:00,048 --> 01:28:02,175 Oh, not a chance. In the shape I'm in... 1489 01:28:02,217 --> 01:28:04,310 you could donate my body to science fiction. 1490 01:28:04,352 --> 01:28:06,718 Get your suit on! We need ya! 1491 01:28:06,755 --> 01:28:10,156 Come on, pal. Show 'em what you got. 1492 01:28:10,191 --> 01:28:12,489 Melon! We need ya! 1493 01:28:17,432 --> 01:28:22,028 Now diving in substitution for Grand Lakes University... 1494 01:28:22,070 --> 01:28:24,470 Thornton Melon. 1495 01:28:26,341 --> 01:28:28,571 He's on my substitute roster... 1496 01:28:28,610 --> 01:28:31,135 but I don't have it right now. 1497 01:28:31,179 --> 01:28:34,876 But what I'll do is, first chance I get... 1498 01:28:34,916 --> 01:28:36,474 I'll bring it to you. 1499 01:28:54,869 --> 01:28:57,303 What dive is he gonna do? 1500 01:28:57,338 --> 01:29:00,273 The Triple Lindy. 1501 01:29:00,308 --> 01:29:02,538 Melon! Melon! Melon! 1502 01:29:09,284 --> 01:29:11,844 There will be an additional springboard installed... 1503 01:29:11,886 --> 01:29:14,684 for Melon's dive, the Triple Lindy. 1504 01:29:14,722 --> 01:29:17,282 - Is that hard? - It's impossible. 1505 01:30:40,842 --> 01:30:43,333 Melon! You did it! 1506 01:30:48,249 --> 01:30:49,614 That was great! 1507 01:30:54,255 --> 01:30:58,214 Oh, you were great! That was incredible! 1508 01:30:58,259 --> 01:31:00,727 I guess there's nothing you can't do. 1509 01:31:00,762 --> 01:31:02,923 I've got the results of your exams right here. 1510 01:31:02,964 --> 01:31:04,090 Do I want to hear 'em? 1511 01:31:04,132 --> 01:31:06,726 You passed! All "Ds" and an "A." 1512 01:31:06,768 --> 01:31:08,793 Who gave me the "A"? 1513 01:31:08,836 --> 01:31:11,168 - I did. - Oh, yeah? 1514 01:31:11,205 --> 01:31:13,799 I would like to introduce our speaker today. 1515 01:31:13,841 --> 01:31:15,274 This is the first time... 1516 01:31:15,310 --> 01:31:18,711 in the history of this fine institution... 1517 01:31:18,746 --> 01:31:21,579 that a freshman has given this address. 1518 01:31:21,616 --> 01:31:24,210 Mr. Thornton Melon. 1519 01:31:37,198 --> 01:31:38,358 Thank you very much. 1520 01:31:38,399 --> 01:31:41,163 Thank you, Dean Martin, President Sinclair... 1521 01:31:41,202 --> 01:31:43,670 and members of the graduating class. 1522 01:31:43,705 --> 01:31:46,538 I have only one thing to say to you today... 1523 01:31:46,574 --> 01:31:48,007 it's a jungle out there. 1524 01:31:48,042 --> 01:31:50,602 You gotta look out for number one. 1525 01:31:50,645 --> 01:31:53,443 But don't step in number two. 1526 01:31:54,949 --> 01:31:57,975 And so, to all you graduates... 1527 01:31:58,019 --> 01:32:02,115 as you go out into the world my advice to you is... 1528 01:32:02,156 --> 01:32:05,125 don't go! It's rough out there. 1529 01:32:05,159 --> 01:32:08,128 Move back with your parents. Let them worry about it.