1 00:00:46,695 --> 00:00:49,163 In the bleak days of 1983... 2 00:00:49,375 --> 00:00:53,368 as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy... 3 00:00:53,895 --> 00:00:57,171 the good, loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company... 4 00:00:57,255 --> 00:01:01,407 a once-proud family firm recently fallen on hard times... 5 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:06,052 strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management. 6 00:01:07,455 --> 00:01:09,332 Terrible. Really terrible. 7 00:01:28,375 --> 00:01:29,410 Row! 8 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,406 That's it, Evans. You're fired. 9 00:01:58,175 --> 00:01:59,654 You heard me. Out. 10 00:02:01,095 --> 00:02:03,325 Did you hear that? He's been sacked. 11 00:02:04,695 --> 00:02:06,128 Sacked? 12 00:02:07,215 --> 00:02:11,413 Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em. 13 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:20,044 Come on! 14 00:03:12,175 --> 00:03:13,972 Let me out of here! 15 00:03:15,415 --> 00:03:18,134 I demand to see my lawyer! 16 00:03:26,615 --> 00:03:28,014 Tooley! Come on. 17 00:03:53,615 --> 00:03:55,571 Quiet! Silence! 18 00:03:56,095 --> 00:03:58,051 Now, lads, let's move. 19 00:03:58,135 --> 00:04:01,889 You, you and you, break open the weapons. 20 00:04:02,015 --> 00:04:04,813 You, you and you, into the rigging. 21 00:04:05,975 --> 00:04:09,604 - And you, put the kettle on. - Aye, sir. 22 00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:28,127 There, there, Charles. 23 00:04:56,455 --> 00:04:57,524 Sorry! 24 00:04:58,255 --> 00:05:00,211 Come on, Tooley. This way! 25 00:05:24,135 --> 00:05:25,807 Weigh the anchor! 26 00:05:26,575 --> 00:05:27,928 Weigh the anchor! 27 00:05:29,255 --> 00:05:30,768 Weigh the anchor. 28 00:06:33,375 --> 00:06:36,173 And so, the Crimson Permanent Assurance... 29 00:06:36,255 --> 00:06:40,373 was launched upon the high seas of international finance. 30 00:06:57,655 --> 00:07:00,453 Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route! 31 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,688 Cup of tea, dear? Hey, Captain! 32 00:07:05,255 --> 00:07:07,610 Look! To starboard! 33 00:07:11,535 --> 00:07:14,413 There it lay: The prize they sought. 34 00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,487 Hard to starboard! 35 00:07:17,935 --> 00:07:22,087 A financial district swollen with multinationals, conglomerates... 36 00:07:22,695 --> 00:07:25,846 and fat, bloated merchant banks. 37 00:07:28,575 --> 00:07:31,772 All right, lads, battle stations! 38 00:07:33,175 --> 00:07:35,166 Come on! Move it! 39 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:02,128 All right, then. That's enough. Take cover! 40 00:08:22,975 --> 00:08:24,852 Down, down! 41 00:09:00,775 --> 00:09:02,606 Hard to starboard! 42 00:09:24,575 --> 00:09:25,974 Fire! 43 00:10:32,855 --> 00:10:34,891 Eric! My balance sheets! 44 00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:39,166 Ross! Get the readouts! 45 00:10:46,255 --> 00:10:48,325 - Stop him! - Eric! 46 00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:50,494 Thanks! Charge! 47 00:11:39,495 --> 00:11:41,770 No, no! Let me! Let me! Okay, Kane. 48 00:11:48,255 --> 00:11:49,244 Captured! 49 00:11:56,975 --> 00:11:58,010 Gotcha! 50 00:12:34,375 --> 00:12:35,490 Take this. 51 00:12:41,215 --> 00:12:43,012 Here. File this. 52 00:12:54,215 --> 00:12:55,330 Shit! 53 00:13:04,255 --> 00:13:07,611 And so, heartened by their initial success... 54 00:13:07,775 --> 00:13:12,530 the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance... 55 00:13:13,295 --> 00:13:15,968 battled on, until... 56 00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:20,567 as the sun set slowly in the west... 57 00:13:21,295 --> 00:13:25,447 the outstanding returns on their bold business venture became apparent. 58 00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:30,929 Once-proud financial giants lay in ruins... 59 00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:35,485 their assets stripped... 60 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,847 their policies in tatters. 61 00:13:52,255 --> 00:13:55,327 Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen! 62 00:13:56,015 --> 00:13:58,893 Up, up, up your premium 63 00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:02,411 Scribble away and balance the books 64 00:14:02,815 --> 00:14:05,807 Scribble away, but balance the books 65 00:14:06,415 --> 00:14:09,691 It's fun to charter an accountant 66 00:14:09,775 --> 00:14:13,245 And sail the wide accountancy 67 00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:17,814 To find, explore the funds offshore 68 00:14:17,895 --> 00:14:21,205 And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy 69 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,846 It can be manly in insurance 70 00:14:25,455 --> 00:14:28,731 We'll up your premium semi-annually 71 00:14:29,215 --> 00:14:33,094 It's all tax-deductible We're fairly incorruptible 72 00:14:33,335 --> 00:14:36,247 Sailing on the wide accountancy 73 00:14:38,095 --> 00:14:41,724 And so, they sailed off into the ledgers of history... 74 00:14:42,495 --> 00:14:45,089 one by one, the financial capitals of the world... 75 00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:48,167 crumbling under the might of their business acumen. 76 00:14:48,735 --> 00:14:50,373 Or so it would have been... 77 00:14:50,455 --> 00:14:53,845 if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world... 78 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:57,484 had not proved to be disastrously wrong. 79 00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:25,238 'Morning. 'Morning. 80 00:16:31,165 --> 00:16:32,564 'Morning. 'Morning. 81 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,360 What's new? Not much. 82 00:16:49,565 --> 00:16:52,284 'Morning! Good morning! 'Morning! 83 00:16:54,685 --> 00:16:57,153 Frank was just asking what's new. Was he? 84 00:16:58,045 --> 00:16:59,114 Yes. 85 00:17:02,125 --> 00:17:05,356 Hey, look. Howard's being eaten. Is he? 86 00:17:13,445 --> 00:17:15,276 Makes you think, doesn't it? 87 00:17:15,565 --> 00:17:17,396 I mean, what's it all about? 88 00:17:18,365 --> 00:17:19,434 Beats me. 89 00:17:21,365 --> 00:17:24,755 Why are we here, what's life all about? 90 00:17:26,325 --> 00:17:30,637 Is God really real or is there some doubt? 91 00:17:31,965 --> 00:17:36,436 Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out 92 00:17:37,005 --> 00:17:39,724 Tonight it's the meaning of life 93 00:17:41,925 --> 00:17:45,679 What's the point of all this hoax? 94 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:49,204 Is it the chicken and the egg time? 95 00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,480 Are we just yolks? 96 00:17:51,885 --> 00:17:56,401 Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes 97 00:17:57,245 --> 00:18:00,601 Well, �a, c'est le meaning of life 98 00:18:02,245 --> 00:18:06,761 Is life just a game where we make up the rules 99 00:18:07,165 --> 00:18:10,840 While we're searching for something to say 100 00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:16,676 Or are we just simply spiraling coils 101 00:18:17,245 --> 00:18:20,794 Of self-replicating DNA? 102 00:18:22,485 --> 00:18:25,795 In this life what is our fate? 103 00:18:27,245 --> 00:18:29,122 Is there Heaven and Hell? 104 00:18:29,765 --> 00:18:31,323 Do we reincarnate? 105 00:18:32,765 --> 00:18:37,361 Is mankind evolving or is it too late? 106 00:18:37,525 --> 00:18:40,642 Well, tonight here's the meaning of life 107 00:18:42,085 --> 00:18:46,761 For millions this life is a sad vale of tears 108 00:18:47,525 --> 00:18:50,437 Sitting round with rien, nothing to say 109 00:18:52,525 --> 00:18:57,519 While scientists say we're just simply spiraling coils 110 00:18:57,685 --> 00:19:01,280 Of self-replicating DNA 111 00:19:02,765 --> 00:19:05,837 So just why, why are we here? 112 00:19:07,405 --> 00:19:10,556 And just what, what do we fear? 113 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:17,634 Well, ce soir, for a change it will all be made clear 114 00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:21,235 For this is the meaning of life 115 00:19:21,885 --> 00:19:26,163 C'est le sens de la vie This is the meaning of life 116 00:19:59,005 --> 00:20:00,643 One thousand and eight! 117 00:20:00,805 --> 00:20:02,921 Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent. 118 00:20:03,005 --> 00:20:05,360 Good. Take her into the fetus-frightening room. 119 00:20:13,725 --> 00:20:14,840 Jolly good. 120 00:20:15,325 --> 00:20:17,714 It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it? 121 00:20:18,645 --> 00:20:19,714 Yes. 122 00:20:19,965 --> 00:20:22,240 Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse. 123 00:20:22,885 --> 00:20:25,479 The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV. 124 00:20:25,765 --> 00:20:26,675 Certainly. 125 00:20:26,765 --> 00:20:28,562 And get the machine that goes, "Ping!" 126 00:20:28,805 --> 00:20:32,480 And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes. 127 00:20:40,285 --> 00:20:42,276 That's it. Bring it right here. 128 00:20:42,365 --> 00:20:44,515 Behind me. Lovely, lovely. 129 00:20:45,125 --> 00:20:47,685 Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better. 130 00:20:47,765 --> 00:20:50,359 Yes, more like it. 131 00:20:51,005 --> 00:20:52,996 Still something missing, though. 132 00:20:58,645 --> 00:21:00,044 - Patient. - Yes. 133 00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:01,604 Where's the patient? 134 00:21:01,725 --> 00:21:02,840 Patient! 135 00:21:03,765 --> 00:21:06,040 Here she is. Bring it over here. 136 00:21:06,525 --> 00:21:08,720 Mind the machine! Sorry, Doctor. 137 00:21:08,805 --> 00:21:09,874 Come along! 138 00:21:09,965 --> 00:21:11,080 Jump on it. 139 00:21:11,205 --> 00:21:14,959 - Hello. Now don't you worry. - We'll soon have you cured. 140 00:21:15,245 --> 00:21:17,805 Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you. 141 00:21:17,885 --> 00:21:19,113 Good-bye. 142 00:21:19,205 --> 00:21:20,877 - Drips up. - Injections. 143 00:21:21,045 --> 00:21:24,435 - Can I put the tube in the baby's head? - If I can do the episiotomy. 144 00:21:24,725 --> 00:21:25,760 Legs up. 145 00:21:26,605 --> 00:21:28,641 Come in. Come on in, all of you. 146 00:21:28,725 --> 00:21:30,795 That's it. Jolly good. Come on. 147 00:21:31,085 --> 00:21:32,200 Spread round there. 148 00:21:32,285 --> 00:21:34,196 - Who are you? - I'm the husband. 149 00:21:34,365 --> 00:21:37,277 I'm sorry, only people involved are allowed in here. 150 00:21:38,725 --> 00:21:40,204 - What do I do? - Yes? 151 00:21:40,885 --> 00:21:44,400 - What do I do? - Nothing, dear. You're not qualified. 152 00:21:44,965 --> 00:21:46,034 Leave it to us. 153 00:21:46,125 --> 00:21:47,444 What's that for? 154 00:21:47,645 --> 00:21:49,795 That's the machine that goes, "Ping!" 155 00:21:51,125 --> 00:21:53,878 You see? That means your baby is still alive. 156 00:21:54,685 --> 00:21:58,155 And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital. 157 00:21:58,365 --> 00:22:01,038 Yes, it cost over �750,000. 158 00:22:01,125 --> 00:22:02,478 Aren't you lucky! 159 00:22:03,245 --> 00:22:05,315 The administrator is here, Doctor. 160 00:22:05,485 --> 00:22:07,077 Switch everything on. 161 00:22:07,565 --> 00:22:08,793 'Morning, gentlemen. 162 00:22:08,885 --> 00:22:10,682 'Morning. 'Morning. 163 00:22:10,765 --> 00:22:12,437 'Morning, Mr. Pycroft. 164 00:22:12,565 --> 00:22:14,601 Very impressive. 165 00:22:14,685 --> 00:22:17,597 - And what are you doing this morning? - It's a birth. 166 00:22:18,285 --> 00:22:19,877 And what sort of thing is that? 167 00:22:19,965 --> 00:22:24,356 That's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. 168 00:22:24,805 --> 00:22:26,238 Wonderful what we can do nowadays. 169 00:22:27,445 --> 00:22:29,675 I see you have the machine that goes, "Ping!" 170 00:22:30,085 --> 00:22:31,438 This is my favourite. 171 00:22:31,525 --> 00:22:33,993 We lease this back from the company we sold it to. 172 00:22:34,085 --> 00:22:38,397 That way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. 173 00:22:42,245 --> 00:22:45,840 Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on. 174 00:22:46,845 --> 00:22:49,678 - The vulva's dilating, Doctor. - Yes, there's the head. 175 00:22:49,765 --> 00:22:52,518 Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres. 176 00:22:52,685 --> 00:22:54,562 - Lights! - Amplify the ping machine. 177 00:22:54,645 --> 00:22:56,522 - Masks up! - Suction! 178 00:22:56,685 --> 00:22:58,323 Eyes down for a full house! 179 00:22:58,405 --> 00:22:59,997 Here it comes. 180 00:23:02,045 --> 00:23:03,956 And frighten it. 181 00:23:04,445 --> 00:23:05,514 Thank you. 182 00:23:05,885 --> 00:23:07,682 And the rough towels! 183 00:23:09,245 --> 00:23:10,803 Show it to the mother. 184 00:23:11,165 --> 00:23:13,121 That's enough. Sedate her. 185 00:23:13,205 --> 00:23:16,914 - Number the child. - Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it. 186 00:23:17,405 --> 00:23:18,804 Okay, show's over. 187 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:21,998 Is it a boy or a girl? 188 00:23:22,085 --> 00:23:25,794 I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? 189 00:23:25,885 --> 00:23:27,113 A word of advice. 190 00:23:27,205 --> 00:23:31,084 You may find you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression... 191 00:23:31,165 --> 00:23:32,917 P.N.D., as we doctors call it. 192 00:23:33,005 --> 00:23:34,996 So, it's lots of happy pills for you... 193 00:23:35,085 --> 00:23:37,758 and you can find out about the birth when you get home. 194 00:23:37,845 --> 00:23:41,360 It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8. 195 00:24:02,965 --> 00:24:04,796 Bloody hell. 196 00:24:13,365 --> 00:24:16,163 Get it, would you, Deirdre? All right, Mum. 197 00:24:25,445 --> 00:24:27,481 Now whose teatime is it? Mine! 198 00:24:29,085 --> 00:24:30,359 Come on. Out you go. 199 00:24:30,445 --> 00:24:34,358 Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas... 200 00:24:34,525 --> 00:24:38,404 Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha... 201 00:24:38,485 --> 00:24:39,998 it's your bedtime. 202 00:24:40,565 --> 00:24:42,157 Now don't argue! 203 00:24:42,525 --> 00:24:45,278 Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and... 204 00:24:45,405 --> 00:24:49,284 Wait. I've got something to tell the whole family. 205 00:24:49,965 --> 00:24:52,763 Quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon. 206 00:24:54,245 --> 00:24:56,998 The mill's closed. There's no more work. 207 00:24:57,245 --> 00:24:58,678 We're destitute. 208 00:25:00,485 --> 00:25:01,838 Come in, my little loves. 209 00:25:01,925 --> 00:25:05,520 I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments. 210 00:25:07,725 --> 00:25:10,000 No, no, that's the way it is, my loves. 211 00:25:10,165 --> 00:25:13,714 Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear a little rubber thing. 212 00:25:13,805 --> 00:25:16,319 They've done some wonderful things in their time. 213 00:25:16,405 --> 00:25:20,603 They've preserved the might and majesty, even mystery of the Church of Rome... 214 00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:24,883 and the sanctity of the Sacrament, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity... 215 00:25:24,965 --> 00:25:28,514 but if they'd let me wear a little rubber thing on the end of my cock... 216 00:25:28,605 --> 00:25:30,960 we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. 217 00:25:31,045 --> 00:25:33,639 Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary? 218 00:25:34,965 --> 00:25:38,844 Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest-growing religion in the world. 219 00:25:38,925 --> 00:25:40,040 He's right. 220 00:25:40,445 --> 00:25:42,436 You see, we believe... 221 00:25:43,045 --> 00:25:44,876 Let me put it like this: 222 00:25:45,125 --> 00:25:47,195 There are Jews in the world 223 00:25:47,525 --> 00:25:49,243 There are Buddhists 224 00:25:49,525 --> 00:25:52,915 There are Hindus and Mormons and then 225 00:25:54,045 --> 00:25:57,401 There are those that follow Mohammed 226 00:25:57,485 --> 00:26:01,524 But I've never been one of them 227 00:26:04,325 --> 00:26:06,885 I'm a Roman Catholic 228 00:26:07,365 --> 00:26:10,163 And have been since before I was born 229 00:26:10,885 --> 00:26:14,036 And the one thing they say about Catholics 230 00:26:14,285 --> 00:26:17,755 Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm 231 00:26:18,045 --> 00:26:21,003 You don't have to be a six-footer 232 00:26:21,485 --> 00:26:24,318 You don't have to have a great brain 233 00:26:25,165 --> 00:26:28,282 You don't have to have any clothes on 234 00:26:28,445 --> 00:26:32,324 You're a Catholic the moment Dad came 235 00:26:32,885 --> 00:26:35,160 Because 236 00:26:35,645 --> 00:26:39,684 Every sperm is sacred 237 00:26:40,245 --> 00:26:43,715 Every sperm is great 238 00:26:44,645 --> 00:26:48,479 If a sperm is wasted 239 00:26:48,845 --> 00:26:51,882 God gets quite irate 240 00:26:53,325 --> 00:26:56,920 Every sperm is sacred 241 00:26:57,405 --> 00:27:01,239 Every sperm is great 242 00:27:01,645 --> 00:27:05,399 If a sperm is wasted 243 00:27:05,885 --> 00:27:09,480 God gets quite irate 244 00:27:10,085 --> 00:27:14,044 Let the heathens spill theirs 245 00:27:14,285 --> 00:27:17,641 On the dusty ground 246 00:27:18,485 --> 00:27:21,283 God shall make them pay 247 00:27:21,645 --> 00:27:25,797 For each sperm that can't be found 248 00:27:26,885 --> 00:27:30,673 Every sperm is wanted 249 00:27:31,005 --> 00:27:34,600 Every sperm is good 250 00:27:35,165 --> 00:27:38,999 Every sperm is needed 251 00:27:39,205 --> 00:27:42,959 In your neighbourhood 252 00:27:43,205 --> 00:27:46,481 Hindu, Taoist, Mormon 253 00:27:46,725 --> 00:27:50,161 Spill theirs just anywhere 254 00:27:50,685 --> 00:27:53,961 But God loves those who treat 255 00:27:54,085 --> 00:27:57,998 Their semen with more care 256 00:27:58,965 --> 00:28:02,514 Every sperm is sacred 257 00:28:02,885 --> 00:28:06,002 Every sperm is great 258 00:28:06,565 --> 00:28:09,637 If a sperm is wasted 259 00:28:09,925 --> 00:28:13,122 God gets quite irate 260 00:28:13,485 --> 00:28:17,194 Every sperm is sacred 261 00:28:17,365 --> 00:28:20,516 Every sperm is good 262 00:28:21,125 --> 00:28:24,674 Every sperm is needed 263 00:28:24,925 --> 00:28:28,361 In your neighbourhood 264 00:28:28,685 --> 00:28:32,075 Every sperm is useful 265 00:28:32,405 --> 00:28:35,715 Every sperm is fine 266 00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:39,315 God needs everybody's 267 00:28:39,645 --> 00:28:40,919 - Mine - And mine 268 00:28:41,125 --> 00:28:42,956 And mine 269 00:28:57,605 --> 00:29:01,120 Let the pagans spill theirs 270 00:29:01,285 --> 00:29:04,994 O'er mountain, hill and plain 271 00:29:05,165 --> 00:29:07,725 God shall strike them down 272 00:29:08,005 --> 00:29:11,884 For each sperm that's spilt in vain 273 00:29:12,565 --> 00:29:15,955 Every sperm is sacred 274 00:29:16,245 --> 00:29:19,555 Every sperm is good 275 00:29:19,925 --> 00:29:23,235 Every sperm is needed 276 00:29:23,565 --> 00:29:26,716 In your neighbourhood 277 00:29:27,325 --> 00:29:30,397 Every sperm is sacred 278 00:29:30,725 --> 00:29:33,842 Every sperm is great 279 00:29:34,325 --> 00:29:37,635 If a sperm is wasted 280 00:29:37,885 --> 00:29:42,515 God gets quite irate 281 00:29:50,765 --> 00:29:52,915 So you see my problem, little ones. 282 00:29:53,005 --> 00:29:55,121 I can't keep you all here any longer. 283 00:29:55,205 --> 00:29:56,479 Speak up! 284 00:29:57,045 --> 00:29:59,275 I can't keep you all here any longer! 285 00:30:00,205 --> 00:30:03,641 God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you anymore. 286 00:30:04,085 --> 00:30:06,315 Couldn't you have your balls cut off? 287 00:30:07,005 --> 00:30:09,883 It's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all. 288 00:30:10,405 --> 00:30:14,956 He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to him. 289 00:30:15,405 --> 00:30:18,203 You could have had them pulled off in an accident. 290 00:30:19,725 --> 00:30:23,877 No. Children, I know you're trying to help, but believe me, my mind's made up. 291 00:30:23,965 --> 00:30:26,479 I've given this long and careful thought... 292 00:30:27,165 --> 00:30:30,396 and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you. 293 00:30:32,045 --> 00:30:35,674 Every sperm is sacred 294 00:30:37,045 --> 00:30:41,482 Every sperm is great 295 00:30:42,965 --> 00:30:44,717 Look at them. Bloody Catholics. 296 00:30:44,805 --> 00:30:49,117 Filling the bloody world up with people they can't afford to bloody feed. 297 00:30:49,485 --> 00:30:50,838 What are we, dear? 298 00:30:50,925 --> 00:30:53,234 Protestant, and fiercely proud of it. 299 00:30:53,965 --> 00:30:56,559 Why do they have so many children? 300 00:30:56,645 --> 00:31:00,160 Every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby. 301 00:31:00,605 --> 00:31:03,563 - But it's the same with us, Harry. - What do you mean? 302 00:31:03,685 --> 00:31:08,076 I mean we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice. 303 00:31:08,405 --> 00:31:11,556 That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted. 304 00:31:11,845 --> 00:31:14,439 - Really? - And what's more, since we don't believe... 305 00:31:14,525 --> 00:31:17,437 in all that papist claptrap, we can take precautions. 306 00:31:18,045 --> 00:31:19,797 What you mean, lock the door? 307 00:31:19,885 --> 00:31:23,594 No. I mean because we're members of the Protestant Reformed Church... 308 00:31:23,685 --> 00:31:27,075 which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy... 309 00:31:27,165 --> 00:31:30,919 in the mid-16th century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue. 310 00:31:31,005 --> 00:31:32,120 What do you mean? 311 00:31:32,205 --> 00:31:34,878 I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you. 312 00:31:34,965 --> 00:31:36,193 Oh, yes, Harry. 313 00:31:36,285 --> 00:31:38,958 And, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fellow... 314 00:31:39,045 --> 00:31:42,799 I could ensure that when I came off, you would not be impregnated. 315 00:31:43,605 --> 00:31:47,359 That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. 316 00:31:47,445 --> 00:31:50,642 That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual... 317 00:31:50,725 --> 00:31:53,762 and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. 318 00:31:53,965 --> 00:31:58,038 When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517... 319 00:31:58,125 --> 00:32:01,595 he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing... 320 00:32:01,685 --> 00:32:04,324 but 400 years later, thanks to him... 321 00:32:04,405 --> 00:32:07,124 I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. 322 00:32:07,325 --> 00:32:10,123 And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. 323 00:32:10,205 --> 00:32:13,641 - Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want. - You what? 324 00:32:13,725 --> 00:32:16,717 French Ticklers, black mambos, crocodile ribs. 325 00:32:16,805 --> 00:32:19,478 Sheaths that are designed not only to protect... 326 00:32:19,565 --> 00:32:22,841 but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress. 327 00:32:22,925 --> 00:32:23,994 Have you got one? 328 00:32:24,085 --> 00:32:27,555 Have I got one? No, but I can go down the road anytime I want... 329 00:32:27,845 --> 00:32:31,758 and walk into Harry's, and hold my head up high and say, in a loud, steady voice: 330 00:32:31,845 --> 00:32:34,313 "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. 331 00:32:34,405 --> 00:32:38,239 "In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant." 332 00:32:38,325 --> 00:32:40,395 - Why don't you? - But they cannot. 333 00:32:40,725 --> 00:32:43,956 Because their church never made the leap out of the Middle Ages... 334 00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:46,923 and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy. 335 00:32:47,205 --> 00:32:49,321 But despite the attempts of Protestants... 336 00:32:49,405 --> 00:32:51,555 to promote the idea of sex for pleasure... 337 00:32:51,965 --> 00:32:53,921 children continue to multiply everywhere. 338 00:33:01,045 --> 00:33:05,197 "And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. 339 00:33:06,485 --> 00:33:09,955 "And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead... 340 00:33:10,405 --> 00:33:12,202 "in Kadesh Bilgemeth... 341 00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:14,196 "by Shor Ethra Regalion... 342 00:33:14,285 --> 00:33:18,278 "to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda. 343 00:33:18,565 --> 00:33:21,284 "He who brought the butter dish to Balshazar... 344 00:33:21,365 --> 00:33:24,323 "and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon. 345 00:33:24,765 --> 00:33:27,359 "And there, slew they the goats... 346 00:33:27,725 --> 00:33:32,435 "yea, and placed they the bits in little pots." 347 00:33:34,045 --> 00:33:35,763 Here endeth the lesson. 348 00:33:36,045 --> 00:33:38,115 Let us praise God. 349 00:33:42,605 --> 00:33:43,879 Oh, Lord. 350 00:33:45,245 --> 00:33:46,041 Oh, Lord. 351 00:33:47,085 --> 00:33:49,121 You are so big. 352 00:33:49,885 --> 00:33:52,035 You are so big. 353 00:33:52,405 --> 00:33:53,918 So absolutely huge. 354 00:33:55,365 --> 00:33:58,596 So absolutely huge. 355 00:33:59,205 --> 00:34:03,676 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you. 356 00:34:04,125 --> 00:34:08,641 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you. 357 00:34:08,965 --> 00:34:13,117 Forgive us, Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying. 358 00:34:13,845 --> 00:34:16,439 And barefaced flattery. 359 00:34:16,725 --> 00:34:21,560 But you're so strong, and, well, just so super. 360 00:34:22,445 --> 00:34:24,163 Fantastic. 361 00:34:24,765 --> 00:34:26,835 Amen, Reverend. Amen. 362 00:34:27,125 --> 00:34:29,116 Now two boys have been found... 363 00:34:29,205 --> 00:34:32,083 rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. 364 00:34:33,205 --> 00:34:36,083 Some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play... 365 00:34:36,165 --> 00:34:39,840 an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you... 366 00:34:39,925 --> 00:34:43,759 that it was presented to us by the corporation of the town of Sudbury... 367 00:34:43,845 --> 00:34:46,518 to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember... 368 00:34:46,605 --> 00:34:49,403 the names of all those from the Sudbury area... 369 00:34:49,485 --> 00:34:51,794 who so gallantly gave their lives... 370 00:34:52,245 --> 00:34:54,236 to keep China British. 371 00:34:54,925 --> 00:34:58,964 So from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! 372 00:35:01,365 --> 00:35:05,597 And Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. 373 00:35:06,125 --> 00:35:07,194 Chaplain. 374 00:35:11,565 --> 00:35:14,921 O Lord, please don't burn us 375 00:35:15,165 --> 00:35:18,362 Don't grill or toast your flock 376 00:35:19,005 --> 00:35:22,998 Don't put us on the barbecue 377 00:35:23,485 --> 00:35:26,795 Or simmer us in stock 378 00:35:27,445 --> 00:35:31,074 Don't braise or bake or boil us 379 00:35:31,445 --> 00:35:34,915 Or stir-fry us in a wok 380 00:35:36,205 --> 00:35:40,084 Oh, please don't lightly poach us 381 00:35:40,245 --> 00:35:43,521 Or baste us with hot fat 382 00:35:44,765 --> 00:35:48,963 Don't fricassee or roast us 383 00:35:49,205 --> 00:35:52,197 Or boil us in a vat 384 00:35:52,925 --> 00:35:57,555 And please don't stick thy servants, Lord 385 00:35:57,685 --> 00:36:01,394 In a Rotissomat 386 00:36:07,085 --> 00:36:08,200 He's coming! 387 00:36:15,285 --> 00:36:17,799 All right, settle down, settle down. 388 00:36:19,405 --> 00:36:21,794 Before I begin the lesson, will those of you... 389 00:36:21,885 --> 00:36:24,922 playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down... 390 00:36:25,005 --> 00:36:27,394 onto the lower peg immediately after lunch... 391 00:36:27,485 --> 00:36:30,318 before you write home, if you're not getting a haircut... 392 00:36:30,405 --> 00:36:34,364 unless you have a brother going out this weekend as the guest of another boy... 393 00:36:34,445 --> 00:36:38,233 then collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after your haircut. 394 00:36:38,325 --> 00:36:41,476 Make sure he moves your clothes onto the lower peg for you. 395 00:36:41,845 --> 00:36:43,403 - Sir? - Yes, Wymer? 396 00:36:43,485 --> 00:36:45,919 My brother's going out with Dibble this weekend... 397 00:36:46,005 --> 00:36:48,360 but I'm not having my hair cut, so do I move... 398 00:36:48,445 --> 00:36:51,562 I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. 399 00:36:51,725 --> 00:36:55,764 If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes. 400 00:36:55,845 --> 00:37:00,202 You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep... 401 00:37:00,325 --> 00:37:02,964 when you've written your letter home before rest... 402 00:37:03,045 --> 00:37:06,162 move your clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors... 403 00:37:06,245 --> 00:37:09,362 and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. 404 00:37:10,365 --> 00:37:11,639 Now, sex. 405 00:37:14,645 --> 00:37:17,523 Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? 406 00:37:21,765 --> 00:37:25,963 Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? 407 00:37:30,445 --> 00:37:32,515 - No, sir. - No, sir. 408 00:37:33,245 --> 00:37:35,281 Well, had I done foreplay? 409 00:37:38,005 --> 00:37:39,279 Yes, sir. 410 00:37:39,925 --> 00:37:43,884 As we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me... 411 00:37:44,005 --> 00:37:46,473 what the purpose of foreplay is... 412 00:37:47,725 --> 00:37:48,714 Biggs. 413 00:37:53,005 --> 00:37:54,643 Don't know. Sorry, sir. 414 00:37:55,245 --> 00:37:56,234 Carter? 415 00:37:59,005 --> 00:38:01,155 Was it taking your clothes off, sir? 416 00:38:02,205 --> 00:38:03,718 And after that? 417 00:38:04,885 --> 00:38:06,955 Putting them on a lower peg, sir. 418 00:38:09,085 --> 00:38:12,919 The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate... 419 00:38:13,245 --> 00:38:16,601 so that the penis can penetrate more easily. 420 00:38:17,165 --> 00:38:18,678 Could we open a window, sir? 421 00:38:18,765 --> 00:38:20,323 Yes. Harris, will you? 422 00:38:20,405 --> 00:38:25,035 And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and harden. 423 00:38:27,285 --> 00:38:31,642 Now, did I do vaginal juices last week? 424 00:38:31,725 --> 00:38:33,920 Pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday. 425 00:38:34,005 --> 00:38:35,233 Watching the football? 426 00:38:35,325 --> 00:38:37,919 Boy, move over there. I'm warning you. 427 00:38:38,765 --> 00:38:41,404 I may decide to set an exam this term. 428 00:38:42,045 --> 00:38:43,524 - Oh, sir! - Sir! 429 00:38:43,645 --> 00:38:45,556 So just listen. 430 00:38:47,725 --> 00:38:52,321 Now did I or did I not do vaginal juices? 431 00:38:54,365 --> 00:38:55,593 Yes, sir. 432 00:38:55,685 --> 00:38:58,677 Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. 433 00:39:00,445 --> 00:39:02,163 Rubbing the clitoris, sir? 434 00:39:06,045 --> 00:39:07,956 What's wrong with a kiss, boy? 435 00:39:09,085 --> 00:39:11,599 Why not start her off with a nice kiss? 436 00:39:12,285 --> 00:39:15,755 You don't have to leap straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. 437 00:39:15,845 --> 00:39:17,642 Give her a kiss, boy. 438 00:39:19,285 --> 00:39:22,277 - Suck the nipple, sir? - Good, good. Well done, Wymer. 439 00:39:22,445 --> 00:39:25,482 Stroking the thighs, sir? Yes. I suppose so. 440 00:39:25,645 --> 00:39:27,761 Biting the neck. Yes, good. 441 00:39:27,885 --> 00:39:31,241 Nibbling the ear lobe, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. 442 00:39:31,325 --> 00:39:34,556 So we have all these possibilities before we... 443 00:39:34,645 --> 00:39:37,637 stampede towards the clitoris, Watson. 444 00:39:38,125 --> 00:39:39,717 Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. 445 00:39:39,885 --> 00:39:44,800 Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place. 446 00:39:53,965 --> 00:39:56,479 Of course, tonguing will give you the best idea... 447 00:39:56,565 --> 00:39:59,523 of how the juices are coming along. 448 00:40:00,085 --> 00:40:01,120 Helen? 449 00:40:01,245 --> 00:40:04,521 Now, penetration and coitus, that is to say, intercourse... 450 00:40:04,605 --> 00:40:07,483 up to and including orgasm. 451 00:40:08,685 --> 00:40:09,800 Hello, dear. 452 00:40:10,645 --> 00:40:13,364 Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter. 453 00:40:13,445 --> 00:40:14,594 Sorry, sir. 454 00:40:14,925 --> 00:40:19,203 Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. I told the Garfields we'd dine with them tonight. 455 00:40:19,285 --> 00:40:22,561 - Yes, well, I suppose we must. - I said we'd be there by 8:00. 456 00:40:22,645 --> 00:40:25,443 It'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting. 457 00:40:25,525 --> 00:40:28,597 I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse. 458 00:40:28,685 --> 00:40:30,357 It's just that I felt... 459 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:31,994 Wymer! 460 00:40:33,045 --> 00:40:35,923 This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up? 461 00:40:36,485 --> 00:40:39,283 I've no intention of going through this all again. 462 00:40:49,765 --> 00:40:52,518 We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear. 463 00:40:52,605 --> 00:40:53,674 No, of course not. 464 00:40:53,765 --> 00:40:58,520 So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife... 465 00:40:58,645 --> 00:41:00,283 in the standard way. 466 00:41:00,365 --> 00:41:04,324 The penis is now, as you will observe, more or less fully erect. 467 00:41:05,085 --> 00:41:07,280 There we are. That's better. 468 00:41:07,525 --> 00:41:08,674 Now, Carter. 469 00:41:09,965 --> 00:41:11,523 Yes, sir? What is it? 470 00:41:13,525 --> 00:41:15,914 - It's an ocarina, sir. - Bring it up here. 471 00:41:17,365 --> 00:41:21,199 The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area... 472 00:41:21,285 --> 00:41:24,243 moving the penis up and down inside the vagina. 473 00:41:24,365 --> 00:41:26,925 Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table. 474 00:41:27,965 --> 00:41:30,604 While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation... 475 00:41:30,685 --> 00:41:33,404 by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward. 476 00:41:33,605 --> 00:41:34,833 Thank you, dear. 477 00:41:34,925 --> 00:41:37,359 Now, as the sexual excitement mounts... 478 00:41:37,445 --> 00:41:38,924 What's funny, Biggs? 479 00:41:40,005 --> 00:41:40,960 Nothing, sir. 480 00:41:41,045 --> 00:41:43,684 Do, please, share your little joke with the rest of us. 481 00:41:43,765 --> 00:41:46,199 Obviously something frightfully funny is going on. 482 00:41:46,285 --> 00:41:47,434 No, honestly, sir. 483 00:41:47,525 --> 00:41:51,120 Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play... 484 00:41:51,285 --> 00:41:55,358 for the boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon. 485 00:41:55,525 --> 00:41:56,162 Oh, no, sir! 486 00:42:16,405 --> 00:42:18,396 Well played, well played. 487 00:43:48,245 --> 00:43:51,601 Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank. 488 00:43:51,685 --> 00:43:53,801 Hordern, Spadger and I will go for the gun post. 489 00:43:53,885 --> 00:43:56,035 Hang on. You'll never make it. Let us come. 490 00:43:56,125 --> 00:43:57,194 Do as you're told. 491 00:43:57,285 --> 00:43:59,435 Right, Skipper. Oh, sir? 492 00:43:59,805 --> 00:44:02,717 If we don't meet again, sir... 493 00:44:03,045 --> 00:44:07,197 I'd just like to say it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir. 494 00:44:07,285 --> 00:44:10,721 Yes, well, this is hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech. 495 00:44:10,805 --> 00:44:15,083 Me and the lads realise that, sir, but, well, we may never meet again, so... 496 00:44:15,285 --> 00:44:17,082 All right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot. 497 00:44:17,165 --> 00:44:18,803 No, just a moment, sir. 498 00:44:18,965 --> 00:44:21,274 Me and the lads, we've had a little whip around. 499 00:44:21,365 --> 00:44:24,402 We've bought you something. We bought you this. 500 00:44:26,845 --> 00:44:28,995 I don't know what to say. 501 00:44:29,725 --> 00:44:32,842 It's a lovely thought. Thank you. Thank you all. 502 00:44:33,165 --> 00:44:35,440 But I think we'd better get to cover... 503 00:44:36,925 --> 00:44:39,917 We've got something else for you as well, sir. 504 00:44:40,885 --> 00:44:43,877 Sorry it's another clock, only there was a bit of a mix-up. 505 00:44:43,965 --> 00:44:45,921 Walters thought he was buyin' a present... 506 00:44:46,005 --> 00:44:48,883 and Spadger and I had already got the other one. 507 00:44:49,045 --> 00:44:52,003 Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful. 508 00:44:53,765 --> 00:44:57,041 We'd better get to cover now. I'll thank you properly later on. 509 00:44:57,125 --> 00:44:58,956 Corporal Sturridge got this for you. 510 00:44:59,045 --> 00:45:01,639 He didn't know about the others. It's Swiss. 511 00:45:01,925 --> 00:45:04,917 Now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. Good man. 512 00:45:05,125 --> 00:45:09,038 There's a card, sir, from all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir. 513 00:45:10,365 --> 00:45:11,639 Thank you all. 514 00:45:11,725 --> 00:45:14,285 Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs. 515 00:45:20,885 --> 00:45:21,954 I'll be all right. 516 00:45:22,045 --> 00:45:25,481 There's just one other thing, sir. Spadger, give him the cheque. 517 00:45:25,925 --> 00:45:27,802 This is really going too far. 518 00:45:28,245 --> 00:45:31,635 I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. It'll be in No. 4 trench. 519 00:45:31,725 --> 00:45:33,795 For Christ's sake, forget it, man. 520 00:45:35,085 --> 00:45:37,155 You shouldn't have said that, sir. 521 00:45:37,965 --> 00:45:39,557 You've hurt his feelings now. 522 00:45:39,645 --> 00:45:43,160 Don't mind me, Spadge. Toffs are all the same. 523 00:45:43,525 --> 00:45:48,553 One minute, it's all please and thank you. The next, they'll kick you in the teeth. 524 00:45:48,845 --> 00:45:51,803 - Let's not give him the cake. - I don't want any cake. 525 00:45:51,885 --> 00:45:54,797 Look. Blackitt cooked it especially for you, you bastard. 526 00:45:54,885 --> 00:45:56,921 He saved his rations for six weeks, sir. 527 00:45:57,005 --> 00:45:59,678 - I don't mean to be ungrateful. - I'll be all right... 528 00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:02,597 Blackie! Blackie! 529 00:46:02,965 --> 00:46:06,480 Look at him! He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. 530 00:46:06,565 --> 00:46:08,795 Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move... 531 00:46:08,885 --> 00:46:12,764 but Blackitt'd be slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds. 532 00:46:12,845 --> 00:46:16,440 I mean, you try getting butter to melt at 15 degrees below zero. 533 00:46:16,725 --> 00:46:21,674 There's love in that cake. This man's love and this man's care... 534 00:46:23,765 --> 00:46:26,916 - Oh, my Christ! - You bastard. 535 00:46:28,005 --> 00:46:30,314 All right, we will eat the cake. 536 00:46:30,805 --> 00:46:33,842 They're right. It's too good a cake not to eat. 537 00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:37,162 - Get the plates and knives, Walters. - Yes, sir. How many? 538 00:46:37,245 --> 00:46:38,234 Six. 539 00:46:39,885 --> 00:46:41,364 Better make it five. 540 00:46:41,445 --> 00:46:44,198 - Tablecloth, sir? - Yes, get the tablecloth. 541 00:46:46,205 --> 00:46:48,082 No, no, I'll get the tablecloth. 542 00:46:48,165 --> 00:46:50,679 You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern. 543 00:46:50,845 --> 00:46:51,800 - And the little lamp, sir? - Yes. 544 00:46:53,285 --> 00:46:55,515 While you're at it, you'd better get a doily. 545 00:46:55,605 --> 00:46:57,721 I'll bring two in case one gets crumpled. 546 00:46:57,805 --> 00:46:58,920 Okay! 547 00:47:02,605 --> 00:47:05,677 But, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that. 548 00:47:05,765 --> 00:47:09,280 It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers... 549 00:47:09,365 --> 00:47:13,244 the meaning of life, it's a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life. 550 00:47:13,325 --> 00:47:15,964 Without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint... 551 00:47:16,045 --> 00:47:18,479 against other more aggressive ideologies... 552 00:47:18,565 --> 00:47:22,114 then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear. 553 00:47:22,885 --> 00:47:25,319 That is why we'll always need an army. 554 00:47:25,445 --> 00:47:28,323 May God strike me down were it to be otherwise. 555 00:47:32,325 --> 00:47:34,281 Don't stand there gawping... 556 00:47:34,365 --> 00:47:36,925 like you've never seen the hand of God before! 557 00:47:37,005 --> 00:47:40,964 Now, today we're going to do marching up and down the square. 558 00:47:41,405 --> 00:47:44,761 That is, unless any of you've got anything better to do. 559 00:47:45,805 --> 00:47:46,920 Well? 560 00:47:48,045 --> 00:47:50,639 Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing... 561 00:47:50,725 --> 00:47:53,842 than marchin' up and down the square? 562 00:47:55,845 --> 00:47:58,075 Yes! Atkinson. 563 00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:04,723 What would you rather be doing, Atkinson? 564 00:48:05,165 --> 00:48:08,919 To be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be home with the wife and kids. 565 00:48:10,485 --> 00:48:11,964 Would you now? 566 00:48:12,685 --> 00:48:13,800 Yes, Sarge. 567 00:48:14,445 --> 00:48:15,878 Right. Off you go. 568 00:48:16,085 --> 00:48:17,154 Now. 569 00:48:17,885 --> 00:48:20,399 Everybody else happy with my little plan... 570 00:48:20,765 --> 00:48:23,325 of marching up and down the square a bit? 571 00:48:23,405 --> 00:48:24,679 Sarge? Yes? 572 00:48:24,885 --> 00:48:28,719 I've got a book I'd quite like to read. Go read your book then. Now! 573 00:48:29,965 --> 00:48:33,640 Everybody else quite content to join in... 574 00:48:34,285 --> 00:48:39,564 with my little scheme of marchin' up and down the square? 575 00:48:40,285 --> 00:48:41,320 Sarge? 576 00:48:41,885 --> 00:48:43,841 Yes, Wyclif, what is it? 577 00:48:44,005 --> 00:48:46,075 Well, I'm learning the piano. 578 00:48:47,565 --> 00:48:49,476 Learning the piano? 579 00:48:49,845 --> 00:48:50,960 Yes, Sarge. 580 00:48:51,085 --> 00:48:54,361 And I suppose you want to go practise? 581 00:48:54,845 --> 00:48:58,121 Marchin' up and down the square not good enough for you? 582 00:48:58,765 --> 00:49:00,801 - Well... - Right! Off you go! 583 00:49:01,245 --> 00:49:04,043 Now, what about the rest of you? 584 00:49:05,445 --> 00:49:08,403 Rather be at the pictures, I suppose. 585 00:49:11,525 --> 00:49:13,356 All right! Off you go! 586 00:49:17,085 --> 00:49:19,280 Bloody army. I don't know what it's coming to. 587 00:49:19,365 --> 00:49:22,402 Right. Sergeant Major marching up and down the square. 588 00:49:23,765 --> 00:49:27,474 Democracy and humanitarianism are trademarks of the British Army. 589 00:49:27,565 --> 00:49:28,600 Rubbish! 590 00:49:28,925 --> 00:49:32,759 And have stamped its triumph in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire. 591 00:49:49,525 --> 00:49:52,562 But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done... 592 00:49:52,645 --> 00:49:56,399 it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class... 593 00:49:56,485 --> 00:49:59,443 that has made the British Army what it is. 594 00:50:31,045 --> 00:50:32,763 Excuse me. 595 00:50:40,885 --> 00:50:44,002 - 'Morning, Ainsworth. - 'Morning, Pakenham. Sleep well? 596 00:50:44,125 --> 00:50:46,514 Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though. 597 00:50:46,605 --> 00:50:48,800 Must be that hole in the bloody mosquito net. 598 00:50:48,885 --> 00:50:51,353 Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they? 599 00:50:52,085 --> 00:50:53,677 - Excuse me, sir. - Yes, Chadwick? 600 00:50:53,765 --> 00:50:56,563 I'm afraid Perkins got badly bitten during the night. 601 00:50:56,645 --> 00:50:57,760 So did we. 602 00:50:57,925 --> 00:51:00,439 Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him. 603 00:51:00,645 --> 00:51:03,443 - Well, go and fetch him then. - Right you are, sir. 604 00:51:03,685 --> 00:51:05,915 Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham? 605 00:51:06,005 --> 00:51:07,404 Yes, I suppose so. 606 00:51:10,325 --> 00:51:11,804 Come on, boy. 607 00:51:20,285 --> 00:51:22,719 'Morning, Perkins. 'Morning, sir. 608 00:51:22,885 --> 00:51:24,955 What's all the trouble, then? 609 00:51:25,045 --> 00:51:27,275 Bitten, sir. During the night. 610 00:51:28,925 --> 00:51:31,234 - Whole leg gone? - Yes. 611 00:51:32,045 --> 00:51:34,320 - How's it feel? - Stings a bit. 612 00:51:35,045 --> 00:51:36,876 Well, it would, wouldn't it? 613 00:51:37,165 --> 00:51:40,521 That's quite a bite you've got there. 614 00:51:40,805 --> 00:51:44,036 - Yes. A real beauty, isn't it? - Any idea how it happened? 615 00:51:44,405 --> 00:51:46,680 None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. 616 00:51:46,765 --> 00:51:49,359 Woke up just now, one sock too many. 617 00:51:49,845 --> 00:51:53,155 - Must have a hell of a hole in your net. - We've sent for the doctor. 618 00:51:53,245 --> 00:51:56,043 - Hardly worth it, is it? - Yes. Better safe than sorry. 619 00:51:56,125 --> 00:51:57,956 Yes. Good Lord, look at this. 620 00:51:58,045 --> 00:52:00,036 By Jove! That's enormous. 621 00:52:00,165 --> 00:52:02,474 You don't think it'll come back, do you? 622 00:52:02,565 --> 00:52:03,884 - For more, you mean? - Yes. 623 00:52:03,965 --> 00:52:05,876 - We'd better get it stitched. - Right. 624 00:52:05,965 --> 00:52:07,159 Hello, Doc! 625 00:52:07,245 --> 00:52:11,033 'Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is something up? 626 00:52:11,325 --> 00:52:15,762 Yes. During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten, sort of, off. 627 00:52:16,285 --> 00:52:19,004 Yeah. Been in the wars, have we? 628 00:52:19,605 --> 00:52:20,560 Yes. 629 00:52:20,765 --> 00:52:22,756 Any headache? Bowels all right? 630 00:52:23,965 --> 00:52:27,002 Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then. 631 00:52:28,125 --> 00:52:30,116 Yes. Yes. 632 00:52:32,645 --> 00:52:36,081 - Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about. - Good. 633 00:52:36,165 --> 00:52:39,919 There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest... 634 00:52:40,005 --> 00:52:43,634 and if you're playing football or anything, try and favour the other leg. 635 00:52:43,725 --> 00:52:44,635 Right. 636 00:52:44,725 --> 00:52:46,955 As right as rain in a couple of days. 637 00:52:47,045 --> 00:52:50,401 - Thanks for the reassurance. - Not at all. That's what I'm here for. 638 00:52:50,485 --> 00:52:52,840 Any other problems I can reassure you about? 639 00:52:52,925 --> 00:52:54,199 No, I'm fine. 640 00:52:54,285 --> 00:52:56,276 Jolly good. Well, must be off. 641 00:52:56,485 --> 00:52:59,477 So it'll just grow back again, then, will it? 642 00:53:03,245 --> 00:53:06,043 I think I'd better come clean with you about this. 643 00:53:06,285 --> 00:53:09,322 It's not a virus, I'm afraid. 644 00:53:10,285 --> 00:53:13,675 You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small. 645 00:53:13,765 --> 00:53:17,155 So small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. 646 00:53:17,325 --> 00:53:20,476 What we're looking for, this is no more than an educated guess... 647 00:53:20,565 --> 00:53:23,716 I'd like to make that clear, is some multicellular life form... 648 00:53:23,805 --> 00:53:27,957 with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth, about 11-foot long... 649 00:53:28,045 --> 00:53:30,240 and of the genus Felis horribilis. 650 00:53:30,325 --> 00:53:33,203 What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger. 651 00:53:34,165 --> 00:53:35,598 A tiger? 652 00:53:36,045 --> 00:53:37,444 A tiger? 653 00:53:41,525 --> 00:53:43,197 A tiger in Africa? 654 00:53:43,605 --> 00:53:45,277 A tiger in Africa? 655 00:53:47,365 --> 00:53:51,040 - It's probably escaped from a zoo. - Doesn't sound very likely to me. 656 00:53:51,725 --> 00:53:53,158 Sir! Sir! 657 00:53:53,285 --> 00:53:56,038 The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating. 658 00:53:56,205 --> 00:53:57,274 Jolly good. 659 00:53:57,365 --> 00:54:00,675 Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C- division wiped out. Signal's gone. 660 00:54:00,765 --> 00:54:02,835 - Thirty men killed in F-section. - I see. 661 00:54:02,925 --> 00:54:05,314 I should think about 150 men altogether, sir. 662 00:54:05,405 --> 00:54:06,440 Jolly good. 663 00:54:06,525 --> 00:54:09,961 I haven't got the final figures, but there's a lot of seriously wounded... 664 00:54:10,045 --> 00:54:13,435 Yes, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. 665 00:54:15,365 --> 00:54:17,481 One of the officers has lost a leg. 666 00:54:18,325 --> 00:54:21,920 - Oh, no, sir! - I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger. 667 00:54:22,445 --> 00:54:23,639 In Africa? 668 00:54:24,245 --> 00:54:27,760 The M.O. Says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately. 669 00:54:27,845 --> 00:54:32,077 - Right, sir. I'll organise a party. - It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant. 670 00:54:33,165 --> 00:54:36,202 - A search party. - Much better idea. 671 00:54:41,005 --> 00:54:42,199 Sorry about the mess. 672 00:54:42,285 --> 00:54:44,719 We'll try to clear it up by the time you get back. 673 00:54:44,805 --> 00:54:46,955 We showed 'em, right, sir? Yes. 674 00:54:47,045 --> 00:54:49,001 We got a search party. Leave that alone. 675 00:54:49,085 --> 00:54:52,077 All this killing, bloodshed, bloody good fun, sir, isn't it? 676 00:54:52,165 --> 00:54:53,075 Very good. 677 00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:55,759 - 'Morning, sir. - Nasty wound you've got there, fella. 678 00:54:55,845 --> 00:54:57,517 Thank you very much, sir. 679 00:54:58,765 --> 00:55:01,233 Come on, Private. Making up a search party. 680 00:55:02,485 --> 00:55:04,601 Better than staying home, isn't it? 681 00:55:04,725 --> 00:55:06,875 At home if you kill someone, they arrest you. 682 00:55:06,965 --> 00:55:09,354 Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do. 683 00:55:09,445 --> 00:55:13,518 I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me. 684 00:55:14,005 --> 00:55:16,599 Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir. 685 00:55:32,845 --> 00:55:34,198 Sorry, sir. 686 00:55:34,765 --> 00:55:36,084 Thank you. 687 00:55:52,965 --> 00:55:54,080 Look! 688 00:55:56,285 --> 00:55:58,196 My God! It's huge! 689 00:56:08,090 --> 00:56:10,650 Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. 690 00:56:11,290 --> 00:56:12,962 We were just... 691 00:56:14,250 --> 00:56:16,206 Why are you dressed as a tiger? 692 00:56:18,770 --> 00:56:21,887 - Oh, why, why, why? - Isn't it a lovely day today? 693 00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,842 Answer the question. 694 00:56:24,410 --> 00:56:29,006 - We were just... - Well, we're dressed like this because... 695 00:56:30,010 --> 00:56:31,409 No, that's not it. 696 00:56:31,650 --> 00:56:34,244 We did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits. 697 00:56:34,330 --> 00:56:36,480 - Simple as that. - Nothing more to it. 698 00:56:37,410 --> 00:56:40,402 Actually, we're on a mission for British intelligence. 699 00:56:40,690 --> 00:56:44,478 - There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief... - No, no, no. 700 00:56:44,610 --> 00:56:47,363 - No, no, no. - No. We're doing it for an advertisement. 701 00:56:47,450 --> 00:56:49,680 That's it. Forget about the Russians. 702 00:56:49,770 --> 00:56:52,045 We're doing an advert for Tiger brand coffee. 703 00:56:52,130 --> 00:56:56,043 "Tiger brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat." 704 00:56:56,130 --> 00:56:58,360 Now, look... All right, all right. 705 00:56:58,450 --> 00:57:01,920 We are dressed as a tiger because he has an auntie who did it in 1839. 706 00:57:02,010 --> 00:57:04,763 - This is the 50th anniversary. - We're doing it for a bet. 707 00:57:04,850 --> 00:57:08,365 - God told us to do it. - To tell the truth, we are completely mad. 708 00:57:08,530 --> 00:57:11,044 We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution... 709 00:57:11,130 --> 00:57:15,169 and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets. 710 00:57:15,730 --> 00:57:17,960 It doesn't matter! What? 711 00:57:18,090 --> 00:57:20,763 It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. 712 00:57:20,850 --> 00:57:22,647 Have they got my leg? 713 00:57:23,410 --> 00:57:25,526 Good thinking. Well, have you? 714 00:57:26,250 --> 00:57:27,569 - Actually... - Yes? 715 00:57:28,130 --> 00:57:30,200 We were thinking of training as taxidermists. 716 00:57:30,290 --> 00:57:32,679 We wanted the feel from the animal's point of view. 717 00:57:32,770 --> 00:57:36,763 Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you if you've got this man's leg. 718 00:57:38,210 --> 00:57:40,724 - A wooden leg? - No, no, a proper leg. 719 00:57:40,810 --> 00:57:45,008 He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it. 720 00:57:46,210 --> 00:57:47,768 Without waking him up? 721 00:57:49,890 --> 00:57:51,926 - Yes. - I don't believe you. 722 00:57:52,170 --> 00:57:54,684 We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo. 723 00:57:54,770 --> 00:57:56,920 The owner wanted it taken to Dar es Salaam. 724 00:57:57,010 --> 00:58:00,923 Shut up! Now look, have you or have you not got his leg? 725 00:58:01,330 --> 00:58:02,729 - Yes. - No. 726 00:58:02,810 --> 00:58:04,209 No, no, no. 727 00:58:06,490 --> 00:58:08,765 - Why did you say yes? - I didn't. 728 00:58:08,930 --> 00:58:10,568 I'm not talking to you. 729 00:58:17,770 --> 00:58:19,522 Right. Search the thicket. 730 00:58:19,970 --> 00:58:23,883 Come on. Do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night... 731 00:58:23,970 --> 00:58:27,201 steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them, tissue-type 'em... 732 00:58:27,290 --> 00:58:29,599 amputate a leg and run away with it? 733 00:58:29,690 --> 00:58:31,123 Search the thicket. 734 00:58:31,490 --> 00:58:33,720 Leg! You're looking for a leg! 735 00:58:34,010 --> 00:58:36,604 Actually, I think there is one in there somewhere. 736 00:58:36,690 --> 00:58:39,727 Someone must've abandoned it here, knowing you'd come after it. 737 00:58:39,810 --> 00:58:43,120 We stumbled across it, actually. They'll be miles away by now. 738 00:58:43,210 --> 00:58:46,088 I expect we'll have to take all the blame as usual. 739 00:58:46,650 --> 00:58:50,563 Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film. 740 00:58:57,250 --> 00:58:59,718 Hello, and welcome to The Middle of the Film... 741 00:58:59,810 --> 00:59:02,370 the moment where we take a break to invite you... 742 00:59:02,450 --> 00:59:06,159 to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish. 743 00:59:06,970 --> 00:59:09,564 We're going to show you a scene from another film... 744 00:59:09,650 --> 00:59:11,959 and ask you to guess where the fish is. 745 00:59:12,050 --> 00:59:14,723 But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves. 746 00:59:14,810 --> 00:59:17,085 Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you. 747 00:59:17,170 --> 00:59:20,128 So here we are with Find the Fish. 748 00:59:29,370 --> 00:59:32,407 I wonder where that fish has gone. 749 00:59:33,210 --> 00:59:34,928 You did love it so. 750 00:59:35,010 --> 00:59:37,444 You looked after it like a son. 751 00:59:38,130 --> 00:59:42,123 And it went wherever I did go. 752 00:59:42,370 --> 00:59:45,442 - Is it in the cupboard? - Yes! 753 00:59:45,810 --> 00:59:49,769 Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish. 754 00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:54,641 And it went wherever I did go. 755 00:59:55,050 --> 00:59:58,645 It's behind the sofa! Where can that fish be? 756 00:59:59,450 --> 01:00:01,645 Have you thought of the bureau? 757 01:00:01,730 --> 01:00:04,369 It is a most elusive fish. 758 01:00:04,490 --> 01:00:08,244 And it went wherever I did go. 759 01:00:09,890 --> 01:00:12,279 Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. 760 01:00:12,810 --> 01:00:16,849 Fish, fish, fish... 761 01:00:19,010 --> 01:00:21,729 Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! 762 01:00:22,010 --> 01:00:26,083 That went wherever I did go. 763 01:00:26,170 --> 01:00:29,082 Look up his trunk! His trousers! 764 01:00:29,450 --> 01:00:31,486 That was terrific! Great! Yeah! 765 01:00:31,850 --> 01:00:34,205 Best bit so far. Fantastic! 766 01:00:35,290 --> 01:00:37,360 Really risky, yeah. 767 01:00:41,010 --> 01:00:44,366 They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they? 768 01:00:44,450 --> 01:00:46,725 It's been building up to it. Has it? 769 01:00:46,810 --> 01:00:49,085 Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now. 770 01:00:49,850 --> 01:00:54,241 Personally, I doubt they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all. 771 01:00:54,370 --> 01:00:57,009 They've gotta say something. They're bound to. 772 01:00:57,090 --> 01:00:58,205 Yeah. 773 01:01:01,890 --> 01:01:05,041 Wonder what the next bit will be. Caption, I expect. 774 01:01:05,130 --> 01:01:07,121 About the next stage of life, you mean? Here we go. 775 01:01:16,890 --> 01:01:19,120 That's much better. Thank you, honey. 776 01:01:19,210 --> 01:01:20,438 You're welcome. 777 01:01:22,050 --> 01:01:25,247 It was all sort of misty before. That's fine. 778 01:01:25,690 --> 01:01:29,046 - Hey! How are you? - We're just fine. 779 01:01:29,130 --> 01:01:31,360 What kind of food would you like this evening? 780 01:01:31,450 --> 01:01:33,520 We sort of like pineapple. 781 01:01:33,610 --> 01:01:35,487 Yeah, we love pineapple. 782 01:01:35,650 --> 01:01:38,448 Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us. 783 01:01:38,570 --> 01:01:40,800 How about the Dungeon Room? 784 01:01:41,650 --> 01:01:44,403 - That sounds fine. - Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food... 785 01:01:44,490 --> 01:01:47,880 served in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere. 786 01:02:03,490 --> 01:02:04,809 Isn't this nice? 787 01:02:05,850 --> 01:02:07,078 Why not. 788 01:02:08,290 --> 01:02:09,769 Take a little Kodak. 789 01:02:09,970 --> 01:02:11,961 Thank you. Thank you very much. 790 01:02:25,010 --> 01:02:27,922 Good evening. Would you care for something to talk about? 791 01:02:28,010 --> 01:02:32,128 - That would be wonderful. - Our special tonight is minorities. 792 01:02:32,210 --> 01:02:34,405 That sounds real interesting. 793 01:02:34,770 --> 01:02:36,840 What's this conversation here? 794 01:02:36,930 --> 01:02:40,320 That's football. You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday... 795 01:02:40,410 --> 01:02:43,243 or you could reminisce about really great World Series. 796 01:02:43,330 --> 01:02:44,479 No. 797 01:02:44,570 --> 01:02:47,846 - What is this one here? - That's philosophy. 798 01:02:48,290 --> 01:02:49,609 Is that a sport? 799 01:02:50,370 --> 01:02:54,045 No, it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis... 800 01:02:54,170 --> 01:02:56,047 to explain the meaning of life. 801 01:02:56,410 --> 01:02:58,480 What was that? What's he saying? 802 01:02:58,930 --> 01:03:00,443 That sounds wonderful. 803 01:03:00,850 --> 01:03:04,047 Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling? 804 01:03:04,170 --> 01:03:05,569 Sure. Why not? 805 01:03:05,650 --> 01:03:07,527 - Philosophy for two? - Right. 806 01:03:07,850 --> 01:03:09,568 - Room? - 259. 807 01:03:09,650 --> 01:03:11,288 259. 808 01:03:13,250 --> 01:03:14,444 How do we... 809 01:03:14,690 --> 01:03:16,840 You folks want me to start you off? 810 01:03:17,050 --> 01:03:18,244 We'd appreciate that. 811 01:03:18,330 --> 01:03:19,319 Okay! 812 01:03:21,170 --> 01:03:24,401 Look. Have you ever wondered just why you're here? 813 01:03:26,290 --> 01:03:29,441 We went to Miami last year and California the year before... 814 01:03:29,530 --> 01:03:33,000 No, no, no. I mean, why we're here, on this planet. 815 01:03:36,370 --> 01:03:37,325 No. 816 01:03:37,570 --> 01:03:41,449 Right. You ever wanted to know what it's all about? 817 01:03:41,810 --> 01:03:42,925 Nope. 818 01:03:43,450 --> 01:03:44,519 Righty-ho! 819 01:03:44,810 --> 01:03:48,928 See, throughout history, there have been certain men and women... 820 01:03:49,050 --> 01:03:52,929 who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence. 821 01:03:53,490 --> 01:03:56,607 - Great! - And we call these guys philosophers. 822 01:03:56,770 --> 01:03:59,079 - And that's what we're talking about. - Right! 823 01:03:59,170 --> 01:04:00,398 That's neat. 824 01:04:00,490 --> 01:04:04,802 You look like you're getting the idea, so I'll give you these conversation cards. 825 01:04:04,890 --> 01:04:09,247 They'll tell you a little about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers. 826 01:04:09,330 --> 01:04:10,479 There you are. 827 01:04:10,570 --> 01:04:13,607 - Have a nice conversation. - Thank you very much. 828 01:04:13,810 --> 01:04:16,688 - He's cute. - Yeah, real understanding. 829 01:04:17,970 --> 01:04:20,848 I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher. 830 01:04:22,290 --> 01:04:25,726 Yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S." 831 01:04:32,370 --> 01:04:33,883 Like Nietzsche. 832 01:04:35,890 --> 01:04:38,006 Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"? 833 01:04:39,530 --> 01:04:41,760 There's an "S" in "Nietzsche." 834 01:04:43,690 --> 01:04:45,646 Yes, there is. 835 01:04:46,770 --> 01:04:49,159 Do all philosophers have an "S" in them? 836 01:04:49,330 --> 01:04:51,605 Yeah. I think most of them do. 837 01:04:53,770 --> 01:04:56,728 Does that mean Salena Jones is a philosopher? 838 01:04:56,970 --> 01:04:58,119 Yeah! Right! 839 01:04:58,210 --> 01:05:01,600 She could be. She sings about the meaning of life. 840 01:05:01,970 --> 01:05:03,528 Yeah. That's right. 841 01:05:04,250 --> 01:05:06,445 But I don't think she writes her own material. 842 01:05:06,530 --> 01:05:07,565 No. 843 01:05:07,930 --> 01:05:10,490 Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material. 844 01:05:10,890 --> 01:05:13,484 No. Burt Bacharach writes it. 845 01:05:14,490 --> 01:05:16,606 There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach." 846 01:05:17,010 --> 01:05:18,682 Or in "Hal David." 847 01:05:19,690 --> 01:05:21,089 Who's Hal David? 848 01:05:21,490 --> 01:05:24,402 He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes. 849 01:05:24,530 --> 01:05:27,966 Only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager. 850 01:05:31,210 --> 01:05:33,849 Waiter? This conversation isn't very good. 851 01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:35,443 I'm sorry, sir. 852 01:05:36,570 --> 01:05:38,959 We do have one today that's not on the menu. 853 01:05:39,050 --> 01:05:43,009 It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? Live organ transplants. 854 01:05:43,730 --> 01:05:45,925 Live organ transplants? What's that? 855 01:05:55,650 --> 01:05:57,925 Don't worry, dear. I'll get it. 856 01:06:04,650 --> 01:06:07,244 Yes? Hello. Can we have your liver? 857 01:06:08,130 --> 01:06:10,086 What? Your liver. 858 01:06:10,890 --> 01:06:14,200 It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen. 859 01:06:15,730 --> 01:06:18,244 You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of... 860 01:06:18,330 --> 01:06:22,118 Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it. 861 01:06:24,490 --> 01:06:27,402 Come on, sir. Don't muck us about. 862 01:06:29,170 --> 01:06:30,285 Hello! 863 01:06:31,970 --> 01:06:34,404 - What's this, then? - A liver donor's card. 864 01:06:34,490 --> 01:06:36,765 - Need we say more? - No. 865 01:06:36,850 --> 01:06:40,399 Listen, I can't give it you now. It says, "in the event of death." 866 01:06:40,490 --> 01:06:41,525 My God! 867 01:06:41,610 --> 01:06:45,125 No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived. 868 01:06:45,210 --> 01:06:47,804 Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute. 869 01:07:01,410 --> 01:07:02,923 Here. What's going on? 870 01:07:03,010 --> 01:07:05,285 He's donating his liver, madam. 871 01:07:05,970 --> 01:07:09,007 Is this because he took out one of those silly cards? 872 01:07:09,130 --> 01:07:11,644 - That's right, madam. - Typical of him. 873 01:07:12,170 --> 01:07:15,401 He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up... 874 01:07:15,650 --> 01:07:18,323 comes home all full of good intentions. 875 01:07:18,730 --> 01:07:22,405 He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing. 876 01:07:26,170 --> 01:07:28,764 What do you do with them all, anyway? 877 01:07:29,010 --> 01:07:31,001 They all go to saving lives, madam. 878 01:07:31,090 --> 01:07:32,523 That's what he used to say. 879 01:07:32,610 --> 01:07:35,647 "It's all for the good of the country," he used to say. 880 01:07:36,570 --> 01:07:39,368 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 881 01:07:39,850 --> 01:07:42,284 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 882 01:07:42,370 --> 01:07:46,204 I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just doing our jobs, you know? 883 01:07:47,490 --> 01:07:49,720 You're not doctors, then? 884 01:07:50,930 --> 01:07:52,158 Blimey, no. 885 01:07:53,850 --> 01:07:57,081 Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. I'll see you about 7:00? 886 01:07:57,410 --> 01:08:00,049 Right, son. Look after yourself. 887 01:08:04,690 --> 01:08:07,443 You fancy a cup of tea? 888 01:08:08,810 --> 01:08:11,085 That'd be very nice. Thank you. 889 01:08:11,730 --> 01:08:14,290 Thank you very much, madam. 890 01:08:16,050 --> 01:08:17,165 I thought she'd never ask. 891 01:08:22,010 --> 01:08:24,683 You do realise he has to be... 892 01:08:25,770 --> 01:08:28,568 dead by the terms of the card... 893 01:08:29,130 --> 01:08:30,927 before he donates his liver. 894 01:08:31,010 --> 01:08:34,798 I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man. 895 01:08:34,930 --> 01:08:36,648 I mean, I was wonderin'... 896 01:08:37,730 --> 01:08:40,290 what you was thinkin' of doin' after that. 897 01:08:40,410 --> 01:08:42,970 I mean will you stay on your own? 898 01:08:43,330 --> 01:08:47,209 Or is there, well, someone else, sort of... 899 01:08:49,290 --> 01:08:50,803 on the horizon? 900 01:08:50,890 --> 01:08:54,166 I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime. 901 01:08:54,250 --> 01:08:57,242 Not at all. Very attractive woman. 902 01:08:58,050 --> 01:09:01,838 Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again. 903 01:09:02,850 --> 01:09:04,727 - Sure? - Sure. 904 01:09:12,650 --> 01:09:14,447 Can we have your liver then? 905 01:09:14,530 --> 01:09:16,202 I would be scared. 906 01:09:16,370 --> 01:09:17,439 All right. 907 01:09:19,050 --> 01:09:20,483 I'll tell you what. 908 01:09:21,290 --> 01:09:22,803 Listen to this. 909 01:09:24,050 --> 01:09:26,689 Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown 910 01:09:27,010 --> 01:09:29,763 And things seem hard or tough 911 01:09:30,330 --> 01:09:34,323 And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft 912 01:09:35,210 --> 01:09:40,000 And you feel that you've had quite enough 913 01:09:43,570 --> 01:09:49,486 Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving 914 01:09:49,610 --> 01:09:52,249 And revolving at 900 miles an hour 915 01:09:53,130 --> 01:09:56,964 It's orbiting at 19 miles a second So it's reckoned 916 01:09:57,090 --> 01:09:59,888 A sun that is the source of all our power 917 01:10:00,890 --> 01:10:04,485 The sun and you and me And all the stars that we can see 918 01:10:04,650 --> 01:10:07,608 Are moving at a million miles a day 919 01:10:08,410 --> 01:10:11,925 In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour 920 01:10:12,450 --> 01:10:15,203 Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way 921 01:10:23,890 --> 01:10:27,280 Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars 922 01:10:27,570 --> 01:10:30,687 It's a 100,000 light years side to side 923 01:10:31,530 --> 01:10:34,647 It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick 924 01:10:35,050 --> 01:10:38,087 But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide 925 01:10:39,130 --> 01:10:42,440 We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point 926 01:10:42,650 --> 01:10:45,448 We go round every 200 million years 927 01:10:46,570 --> 01:10:50,006 And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions 928 01:10:50,170 --> 01:10:53,480 In this amazing and expanding universe 929 01:11:24,810 --> 01:11:28,359 The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding 930 01:11:28,490 --> 01:11:31,288 In all of the directions it can whizz 931 01:11:32,250 --> 01:11:36,038 As fast as it can go The speed of light you know 932 01:11:36,130 --> 01:11:39,486 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is 933 01:11:39,570 --> 01:11:43,483 So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure 934 01:11:43,690 --> 01:11:46,921 How amazingly unlikely is your birth 935 01:11:47,730 --> 01:11:51,200 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space 936 01:11:51,290 --> 01:11:54,168 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth 937 01:11:59,210 --> 01:12:01,678 Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it? 938 01:12:01,770 --> 01:12:03,442 Yeah. 939 01:12:05,850 --> 01:12:07,727 Can we have your liver, then? 940 01:12:08,530 --> 01:12:10,168 - Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. - Eric! 941 01:12:19,970 --> 01:12:22,689 Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization... 942 01:12:22,770 --> 01:12:25,807 of just how much there is still left to own. 943 01:12:26,920 --> 01:12:31,596 Item 6 on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life." 944 01:12:33,920 --> 01:12:36,229 Now, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this. 945 01:12:36,320 --> 01:12:39,596 I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks. 946 01:12:39,680 --> 01:12:43,878 What we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. 947 01:12:44,560 --> 01:12:47,199 One: People are not wearing enough hats. 948 01:12:47,960 --> 01:12:50,190 Two: Matter is energy. 949 01:12:50,720 --> 01:12:55,032 In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. 950 01:12:55,880 --> 01:13:00,271 Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. 951 01:13:00,920 --> 01:13:04,629 However, this soul does not exist ab initio... 952 01:13:04,800 --> 01:13:07,075 as orthodox Christianity teaches. 953 01:13:07,360 --> 01:13:12,309 It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. 954 01:13:13,440 --> 01:13:16,830 However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability... 955 01:13:16,920 --> 01:13:21,152 to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. 956 01:13:24,920 --> 01:13:27,195 What was that about hats again? 957 01:13:28,640 --> 01:13:30,596 People aren't wearing enough. 958 01:13:30,680 --> 01:13:31,999 Is this true? 959 01:13:32,200 --> 01:13:35,795 Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu as our research... 960 01:13:35,880 --> 01:13:38,235 When you say "enough," enough for what purpose? 961 01:13:38,320 --> 01:13:40,880 Can I just ask, with reference to your second point... 962 01:13:40,960 --> 01:13:44,919 when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... 963 01:13:47,400 --> 01:13:49,994 Has anyone noticed that building there before? 964 01:13:52,440 --> 01:13:53,429 What? 965 01:13:53,600 --> 01:13:54,669 Good Lord! 966 01:14:14,240 --> 01:14:15,355 Good Lord! 967 01:14:16,120 --> 01:14:18,839 The Crimson Permanent Assurance! 968 01:14:21,240 --> 01:14:24,357 We interrupt to apologise for this unwarranted attack... 969 01:14:24,440 --> 01:14:25,953 by the supporting feature. 970 01:14:26,040 --> 01:14:28,679 Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality... 971 01:14:28,760 --> 01:14:30,990 and are now taking steps to remedy it. 972 01:14:31,480 --> 01:14:32,469 Thank you. 973 01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:43,432 Good evening. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. 974 01:14:43,520 --> 01:14:46,114 Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis 975 01:14:46,440 --> 01:14:49,193 Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong 976 01:14:49,400 --> 01:14:52,392 It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick 977 01:14:52,480 --> 01:14:55,790 From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick 978 01:14:55,880 --> 01:14:58,838 So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas 979 01:14:59,280 --> 01:15:01,919 Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake 980 01:15:02,240 --> 01:15:05,596 Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend your percy or your cock 981 01:15:05,680 --> 01:15:09,116 You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock 982 01:15:09,200 --> 01:15:12,351 But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock 983 01:15:12,440 --> 01:15:15,796 And you won't come back Thank you very much. 984 01:15:18,240 --> 01:15:21,596 - What a frightfully witty song. - Terribly clever. 985 01:15:24,960 --> 01:15:26,791 - Jolly good. - Marvelous. 986 01:15:34,200 --> 01:15:36,350 Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote! 987 01:15:54,600 --> 01:15:57,910 - Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? - Better. 988 01:15:58,040 --> 01:16:00,838 - Better? - Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up. 989 01:16:00,920 --> 01:16:02,911 Gaston? A bucket for monsieur. 990 01:16:07,480 --> 01:16:09,391 There we are, monsieur. 991 01:16:23,720 --> 01:16:25,915 - Merci, Gaston. - I haven't finished. 992 01:16:26,800 --> 01:16:29,792 Pardon! Gaston? A thousand pardons, monsieur. 993 01:16:29,880 --> 01:16:34,078 Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favourite: The jugged hare. 994 01:16:34,160 --> 01:16:38,597 The hare is very high, and the sauce is very rich... 995 01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:43,555 with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream. 996 01:16:43,640 --> 01:16:44,993 Thank you, Gaston. 997 01:16:45,160 --> 01:16:46,752 There's still more. 998 01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:48,114 Allow me. 999 01:16:50,000 --> 01:16:51,752 A new bucket for monsieur. 1000 01:16:55,240 --> 01:16:56,878 And the cleaning woman. 1001 01:16:59,680 --> 01:17:02,717 Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an ap�ritif... 1002 01:17:02,840 --> 01:17:05,400 or would he prefer to order straight away? 1003 01:17:06,280 --> 01:17:09,955 Today, we have for appetizers... Excuse me. 1004 01:17:11,920 --> 01:17:16,869 Moules marini�res, p�t� de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs benedictine... 1005 01:17:16,960 --> 01:17:19,076 tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart... 1006 01:17:19,160 --> 01:17:22,709 frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd. 1007 01:17:22,840 --> 01:17:26,674 C'est-�-dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pur�ed mushrooms. 1008 01:17:26,760 --> 01:17:28,671 It's very delicate, very succulent. 1009 01:17:28,760 --> 01:17:30,159 I'll have the lot. 1010 01:17:31,360 --> 01:17:33,032 A wise choice, monsieur. 1011 01:17:33,400 --> 01:17:37,473 And now, how would you like it served? All mixed up together in a bucket? 1012 01:17:37,560 --> 01:17:39,596 Yeah. With the eggs on top. 1013 01:17:39,720 --> 01:17:43,474 - But of course. Avec des oeufs frits. - Don't skimp on the p�t�. 1014 01:17:43,560 --> 01:17:46,870 I assure you. Just because it's mixed up with all the other things... 1015 01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:49,474 we wouldn't give you less than the full amount. 1016 01:17:49,560 --> 01:17:53,314 In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. 1017 01:17:53,840 --> 01:17:56,593 Maintenant, quelque chose � boire. Something to drink? 1018 01:17:56,680 --> 01:17:59,877 Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Ch�teau Latour '45. 1019 01:18:00,760 --> 01:18:02,830 And a double jeroboam of champagne. 1020 01:18:03,000 --> 01:18:05,195 Bon. And the usual brown ales? 1021 01:18:05,520 --> 01:18:09,399 Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today. 1022 01:18:09,760 --> 01:18:12,877 I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night. 1023 01:18:13,440 --> 01:18:15,715 - Shut up! - D'accord. 1024 01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:18,999 The new bucket and the cleaning woman. 1025 01:18:25,360 --> 01:18:28,875 - Is there something wrong with the food? - No, the food was excellent. 1026 01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:32,191 - You're not happy with the service? - No, no complaints. 1027 01:18:32,520 --> 01:18:35,956 It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period. 1028 01:18:37,320 --> 01:18:39,788 And we have a train to catch. 1029 01:18:39,920 --> 01:18:42,992 Yes, of course. We have a train to catch. 1030 01:18:43,240 --> 01:18:46,232 And I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. 1031 01:18:46,840 --> 01:18:49,274 - Madam? - Perhaps we should be going? 1032 01:18:51,200 --> 01:18:55,159 Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you. 1033 01:18:56,120 --> 01:18:58,554 I hope very much we will see you again very soon. 1034 01:18:58,640 --> 01:19:00,119 Au revoir, messieurs. 1035 01:19:00,880 --> 01:19:03,917 Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket. 1036 01:19:07,720 --> 01:19:09,870 Another bucket for monsieur! 1037 01:19:11,800 --> 01:19:13,711 And perhaps a hose. 1038 01:19:17,160 --> 01:19:19,833 Oh, Max. Really! 1039 01:19:34,960 --> 01:19:37,952 Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint. 1040 01:19:38,520 --> 01:19:41,557 Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one. 1041 01:19:42,080 --> 01:19:44,878 - No, fuck off. I'm full. - Sir. 1042 01:19:47,080 --> 01:19:48,877 It's only wafer thin. 1043 01:19:49,960 --> 01:19:53,635 I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. 1044 01:19:53,960 --> 01:19:55,154 Bugger off. 1045 01:19:55,440 --> 01:19:57,874 Sir, just one. Just one. 1046 01:20:00,680 --> 01:20:04,719 - All right. Just one. - Just the one, monsieur. 1047 01:20:05,720 --> 01:20:07,073 Voil�. 1048 01:20:11,720 --> 01:20:13,119 Bon app�tit. 1049 01:20:54,280 --> 01:20:57,078 Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your cheque. 1050 01:21:28,680 --> 01:21:31,956 You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder if we'll... 1051 01:21:32,920 --> 01:21:35,480 ever discover the meaning of it all... 1052 01:21:35,760 --> 01:21:38,069 working in a place like this. 1053 01:21:38,160 --> 01:21:41,914 Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking. 1054 01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:43,149 Really, Maria? 1055 01:21:43,240 --> 01:21:44,309 Yes. 1056 01:21:45,080 --> 01:21:47,878 I used to work in the Acad�mie fran�aise. 1057 01:21:48,400 --> 01:21:50,550 But it didn't do me any good at all. 1058 01:21:50,880 --> 01:21:55,158 I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid... 1059 01:21:55,680 --> 01:21:58,638 but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall. 1060 01:21:59,200 --> 01:22:03,671 And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key... 1061 01:22:04,080 --> 01:22:07,755 but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library. 1062 01:22:08,560 --> 01:22:12,439 In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue. 1063 01:22:13,040 --> 01:22:17,318 I worked there from 9:00 till 6:00, read every volume through... 1064 01:22:18,080 --> 01:22:21,914 but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. 1065 01:22:22,520 --> 01:22:26,593 I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. 1066 01:22:26,880 --> 01:22:31,112 Till eventually, me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad. 1067 01:22:31,600 --> 01:22:34,273 So now, I'm cleaning up in here. 1068 01:22:35,680 --> 01:22:37,830 But I can't be really sad... 1069 01:22:38,040 --> 01:22:41,316 'cause you see, I feel that life's a game. 1070 01:22:41,760 --> 01:22:44,274 You sometimes win or lose... 1071 01:22:44,560 --> 01:22:47,313 and though I may be down right now... 1072 01:22:47,480 --> 01:22:50,358 at least I don't work for Jews. 1073 01:22:55,040 --> 01:22:56,268 I'm so sorry. 1074 01:22:56,520 --> 01:23:00,479 I had no idea we had a racist working here. 1075 01:23:00,600 --> 01:23:04,434 I apologise most sincerely. I mean... 1076 01:23:06,320 --> 01:23:08,993 Where are you going? No, I can explain. 1077 01:23:13,360 --> 01:23:14,475 As for me... 1078 01:23:15,640 --> 01:23:19,155 if you want to know what I think, I'll show you something. 1079 01:23:21,600 --> 01:23:24,478 Come with me. I was saying that... 1080 01:23:25,680 --> 01:23:27,159 Hello? Come on. 1081 01:23:27,920 --> 01:23:29,069 Hello? 1082 01:23:33,120 --> 01:23:34,439 This way. 1083 01:23:38,760 --> 01:23:40,398 Come on. Don't be shy. 1084 01:23:41,680 --> 01:23:43,750 Mind the stairs, all right? 1085 01:23:48,120 --> 01:23:50,156 I think this will help explain. 1086 01:23:57,240 --> 01:23:58,673 Come along. 1087 01:24:01,920 --> 01:24:02,989 Over here. 1088 01:24:13,960 --> 01:24:15,632 Come on. Come on. 1089 01:24:20,160 --> 01:24:21,434 This way. 1090 01:24:25,080 --> 01:24:26,308 Come on. 1091 01:24:30,240 --> 01:24:31,514 This way. 1092 01:24:33,440 --> 01:24:34,793 Stay by me? 1093 01:24:37,880 --> 01:24:39,518 Nearly there now. 1094 01:24:49,080 --> 01:24:50,513 You see that? 1095 01:24:53,160 --> 01:24:55,116 That's where I was born. 1096 01:24:57,320 --> 01:24:59,470 You know, one day... 1097 01:25:00,000 --> 01:25:03,037 my mother put me on her knee and she said to me: 1098 01:25:04,480 --> 01:25:06,118 "Gaston, my son. 1099 01:25:06,920 --> 01:25:09,753 "The world is a beautiful place. 1100 01:25:10,840 --> 01:25:14,469 "You must go into it and love everyone. 1101 01:25:16,200 --> 01:25:18,270 "Try to make everyone happy... 1102 01:25:19,240 --> 01:25:23,552 "and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go." 1103 01:25:25,000 --> 01:25:26,797 So I became a waiter. 1104 01:25:35,160 --> 01:25:38,789 It's not much of a philosophy, I know. 1105 01:25:42,760 --> 01:25:46,389 Fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. 1106 01:25:47,560 --> 01:25:48,834 Fuck off. 1107 01:25:50,960 --> 01:25:52,632 Don't come followin' me! 1108 01:26:28,080 --> 01:26:29,957 This man is about to die. 1109 01:26:30,440 --> 01:26:33,079 In a few moments now, he will be killed... 1110 01:26:33,360 --> 01:26:35,954 for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal... 1111 01:26:36,040 --> 01:26:40,113 who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution. 1112 01:26:43,600 --> 01:26:44,828 There he is! 1113 01:26:59,000 --> 01:27:03,357 "Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett... 1114 01:27:04,400 --> 01:27:08,029 "you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true... 1115 01:27:08,320 --> 01:27:12,757 "of the crime of first-degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes... 1116 01:27:13,160 --> 01:27:14,798 "in a moving picture." 1117 01:27:50,920 --> 01:27:53,559 "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." 1118 01:27:57,840 --> 01:28:00,752 It's no good. I just can't go on. 1119 01:28:01,640 --> 01:28:03,392 I'm no good anymore. 1120 01:28:04,360 --> 01:28:06,157 I want to end it all! 1121 01:28:06,880 --> 01:28:08,871 Good-bye! Good-bye! 1122 01:28:17,560 --> 01:28:18,913 Oh, my God! 1123 01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:21,119 Oh, no! 1124 01:28:22,200 --> 01:28:25,317 What'll I do? I can't live without him! 1125 01:28:31,120 --> 01:28:33,395 Mummy! Mum, where are you? 1126 01:28:33,480 --> 01:28:36,233 Daddy? Mummy? 1127 01:28:36,400 --> 01:28:37,389 Mummy? 1128 01:29:41,560 --> 01:29:42,549 Yes? 1129 01:29:44,480 --> 01:29:46,198 Is it about the hedge? 1130 01:29:48,880 --> 01:29:52,316 I'm awfully sorry, but... I am the Grim Reaper. 1131 01:29:52,400 --> 01:29:53,469 Who? 1132 01:29:53,560 --> 01:29:56,120 The Grim Reaper. Yes, I see. 1133 01:29:56,520 --> 01:29:58,670 I am death. 1134 01:29:59,400 --> 01:30:02,517 Well, we have some people from America for dinner tonight... 1135 01:30:02,600 --> 01:30:05,068 Who is it, darling? A Mr. Death or something. 1136 01:30:05,160 --> 01:30:08,357 He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any now. 1137 01:30:08,440 --> 01:30:11,432 Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside. Ask him in. 1138 01:30:11,520 --> 01:30:14,990 - I don't think it's quite the moment. - Do come in. Come and have a drink. 1139 01:30:15,080 --> 01:30:16,513 Do. Come on. 1140 01:30:20,040 --> 01:30:22,554 It's one of the little men from the village. 1141 01:30:23,160 --> 01:30:24,912 Do come in. Please. 1142 01:30:25,680 --> 01:30:28,672 This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia. 1143 01:30:29,000 --> 01:30:31,389 - And his wife, Debbie. - Hello there. 1144 01:30:32,120 --> 01:30:35,078 And these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona. 1145 01:30:35,160 --> 01:30:36,115 Good evening. 1146 01:30:36,200 --> 01:30:37,713 This is Mr. Death. 1147 01:30:45,040 --> 01:30:47,679 Well, do get Mr. Death a drink. Yes. 1148 01:30:48,720 --> 01:30:50,551 Mr. Death is a reaper. 1149 01:30:51,120 --> 01:30:53,953 The Grim Reaper. 1150 01:30:54,440 --> 01:30:56,510 Hardly surprising in this weather. 1151 01:30:59,120 --> 01:31:01,680 So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death? 1152 01:31:01,760 --> 01:31:05,673 I am the Grim Reaper. 1153 01:31:06,400 --> 01:31:09,472 That's about all he says. There's your drink, Mr. Death. 1154 01:31:09,640 --> 01:31:10,789 Do sit down. 1155 01:31:10,880 --> 01:31:14,759 We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the third... 1156 01:31:18,600 --> 01:31:22,149 Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer. 1157 01:31:22,400 --> 01:31:24,197 The Stilton's awfully good. 1158 01:31:25,040 --> 01:31:30,068 I am not of this world. 1159 01:31:32,840 --> 01:31:33,955 Good Lord. 1160 01:31:34,640 --> 01:31:37,279 I am death. 1161 01:31:41,320 --> 01:31:42,639 Isn't that extraordinary? 1162 01:31:42,720 --> 01:31:44,995 We were talking about death five minutes ago. 1163 01:31:45,080 --> 01:31:48,868 Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end... 1164 01:31:48,960 --> 01:31:51,633 As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is... 1165 01:31:51,720 --> 01:31:54,280 and one hates to use words like soul or spirit... 1166 01:31:54,360 --> 01:31:56,954 - What other words can one use? - Exactly. 1167 01:31:57,040 --> 01:32:00,555 You do not understand. 1168 01:32:02,240 --> 01:32:04,151 No. Obviously not. 1169 01:32:04,240 --> 01:32:07,038 I'll tell you something, Mr. Death. You don't... 1170 01:32:07,120 --> 01:32:09,509 I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here... 1171 01:32:09,600 --> 01:32:11,830 what a really unique experience this is. 1172 01:32:11,920 --> 01:32:14,957 - Hear, hear. - We're so delighted that you dropped in. 1173 01:32:15,360 --> 01:32:20,275 - Can I just finish, please? - Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife? 1174 01:32:21,240 --> 01:32:24,596 - If you could wait, please... - You sure you wouldn't like some sherry... 1175 01:32:24,680 --> 01:32:26,910 Angela, I'd like to say this, please. 1176 01:32:27,080 --> 01:32:29,275 Quiet! Can I just say this, please? 1177 01:32:29,360 --> 01:32:33,558 Silence! I have come for you. 1178 01:32:36,080 --> 01:32:40,437 You mean to... Take you away. 1179 01:32:41,920 --> 01:32:44,957 That is my purpose. 1180 01:32:46,480 --> 01:32:49,950 I am death. 1181 01:32:52,040 --> 01:32:54,998 Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it? 1182 01:32:55,080 --> 01:32:58,197 I don't see it that way, Geoff. I think we're dealing with... 1183 01:32:58,280 --> 01:33:01,192 a potentially positive learning experience that can... 1184 01:33:01,280 --> 01:33:04,033 Shut up! Shut up, you American. 1185 01:33:04,120 --> 01:33:06,714 You always talk, you Americans. 1186 01:33:07,160 --> 01:33:09,628 You talk and you talk and you say: 1187 01:33:10,040 --> 01:33:14,670 "Let me tell you something," and, "I just wanna say this." 1188 01:33:14,880 --> 01:33:18,111 Well, you're dead now, so shut up! 1189 01:33:18,680 --> 01:33:20,989 Dead? Dead. 1190 01:33:22,920 --> 01:33:25,957 All of us? All of you. 1191 01:33:28,520 --> 01:33:31,830 Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses... 1192 01:33:31,920 --> 01:33:34,434 then announce quite casually that we're all dead. 1193 01:33:34,520 --> 01:33:37,318 I'd remind you that you're a guest in this house... 1194 01:33:37,600 --> 01:33:38,715 Be quiet! 1195 01:33:39,040 --> 01:33:42,635 Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous! 1196 01:33:43,680 --> 01:33:45,955 None of you have got any balls. 1197 01:33:47,680 --> 01:33:50,240 Can I ask you a question? What? 1198 01:33:50,600 --> 01:33:53,398 How can we all have died at the same time? 1199 01:34:05,840 --> 01:34:08,229 The salmon mousse. 1200 01:34:09,280 --> 01:34:12,033 Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you? 1201 01:34:12,680 --> 01:34:15,399 I'm most dreadfully embarrassed. 1202 01:34:16,320 --> 01:34:19,630 Now the time has come. 1203 01:34:21,040 --> 01:34:22,075 Follow. 1204 01:34:23,920 --> 01:34:25,239 Follow me. 1205 01:34:38,960 --> 01:34:41,315 Just testing. Sorry. 1206 01:34:43,200 --> 01:34:46,192 Follow me. Now. 1207 01:34:52,840 --> 01:34:53,955 Come. 1208 01:34:57,720 --> 01:35:00,314 The fishmonger promised me he'd have fresh salmon. 1209 01:35:00,400 --> 01:35:02,391 He's normally so reliable. 1210 01:35:02,480 --> 01:35:05,278 Can we take our glasses? Good idea. 1211 01:35:08,840 --> 01:35:11,195 Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse. 1212 01:35:16,400 --> 01:35:18,675 Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. 1213 01:35:18,760 --> 01:35:20,159 It really is embarrassing. 1214 01:35:20,240 --> 01:35:24,358 To serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death. 1215 01:35:26,120 --> 01:35:28,714 Shall we take our cars? Why not? 1216 01:35:29,400 --> 01:35:30,469 Good idea. 1217 01:36:05,920 --> 01:36:09,356 Behold paradise. 1218 01:36:11,030 --> 01:36:14,625 - I love it here, darling. - Me, too, Marvin. 1219 01:36:15,110 --> 01:36:17,544 Hello. Welcome to Heaven. 1220 01:36:26,390 --> 01:36:29,143 Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir? 1221 01:36:30,070 --> 01:36:33,824 Thank you. There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant. 1222 01:36:34,110 --> 01:36:38,183 - For the ladies. - Afterlife mints. Thank you. 1223 01:36:38,270 --> 01:36:40,738 Happy Christmas. Is it Christmas today? 1224 01:36:40,830 --> 01:36:44,106 Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven. 1225 01:36:45,150 --> 01:36:46,947 How about that? Lovely. 1226 01:37:30,070 --> 01:37:31,947 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1227 01:37:32,030 --> 01:37:36,023 It's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening... 1228 01:37:36,550 --> 01:37:38,825 a very wonderful and warm... 1229 01:37:38,950 --> 01:37:41,225 and emotional moment for all of us. 1230 01:37:42,110 --> 01:37:46,581 And I'd like to sing a song for all of you. 1231 01:37:50,910 --> 01:37:54,459 It's Christmas in Heaven 1232 01:37:54,870 --> 01:37:58,021 All the children sing 1233 01:37:58,270 --> 01:38:00,784 It's Christmas in Heaven 1234 01:38:01,190 --> 01:38:04,944 Hark, hark, those church bells ring 1235 01:38:05,110 --> 01:38:08,147 It's Christmas in Heaven 1236 01:38:08,310 --> 01:38:11,347 The snow falls from the sky 1237 01:38:11,790 --> 01:38:13,826 But it's nice and warm 1238 01:38:13,990 --> 01:38:18,188 And everyone looks smart and wears a tie 1239 01:38:24,070 --> 01:38:27,301 It's Christmas in Heaven 1240 01:38:27,590 --> 01:38:30,263 There's great films on TC 1241 01:38:31,110 --> 01:38:34,386 The Sound of Music twice an hour 1242 01:38:34,550 --> 01:38:37,462 And Jaws I, II and III 1243 01:38:38,070 --> 01:38:41,460 There's gifts for all the family 1244 01:38:41,630 --> 01:38:44,542 There's toiletries and trains 1245 01:38:45,110 --> 01:38:48,227 There's Sony Walkman headphone sets 1246 01:38:48,670 --> 01:38:51,662 And the latest video games 1247 01:38:52,230 --> 01:38:55,745 It's Christmas in Heaven 1248 01:38:56,270 --> 01:38:58,909 Hip-hip-hooray 1249 01:38:58,990 --> 01:39:04,018 Every single day is Christmas Day 1250 01:39:06,350 --> 01:39:09,342 It's Christmas in Heaven 1251 01:39:12,790 --> 01:39:16,066 Every single day is... 1252 01:39:20,230 --> 01:39:23,142 That's the end of the film. Now here's the meaning of life. 1253 01:39:24,830 --> 01:39:26,263 Thank you, Brigitte. 1254 01:39:30,750 --> 01:39:33,901 It's nothing special. "Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. 1255 01:39:33,990 --> 01:39:36,458 "Read a good book now and then. Get some walking in. 1256 01:39:36,550 --> 01:39:40,338 "Try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations." 1257 01:39:40,430 --> 01:39:44,184 Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors... 1258 01:39:44,270 --> 01:39:47,580 and hopefully spark controversy, which is the only way... 1259 01:39:47,670 --> 01:39:51,709 to get the jaded video-sated public off their asses and back in the cinema. 1260 01:39:52,190 --> 01:39:54,988 Family entertainment? Bollocks. They want filth: 1261 01:39:55,190 --> 01:39:57,750 People doing things to each other with chain saws. 1262 01:39:57,830 --> 01:40:01,300 Babysitters stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates. 1263 01:40:01,390 --> 01:40:03,267 Vigilante groups strangling chickens. 1264 01:40:03,350 --> 01:40:06,103 Armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. 1265 01:40:06,190 --> 01:40:08,021 Where's the fun in pictures? 1266 01:40:08,110 --> 01:40:10,544 Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. 1267 01:40:10,630 --> 01:40:11,779 Good night. 1268 01:42:35,430 --> 01:42:36,704 Synchronized by ShooCat 1269 01:42:55,644 --> 01:42:57,919 An exciting and controversial examination... 1270 01:42:58,004 --> 01:43:00,040 of the Protestant reformer whose reassessment... 1271 01:43:00,124 --> 01:43:02,399 of the role of the individual in Christian belief... 1272 01:43:02,484 --> 01:43:04,839 shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany... 1273 01:43:04,924 --> 01:43:07,154 in the grip of the 16th century. 1274 01:43:11,724 --> 01:43:15,194 It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of Wittenberg. 1275 01:43:15,284 --> 01:43:17,752 Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal... 1276 01:43:17,844 --> 01:43:20,802 when the full force of the Reformation struck. 1277 01:43:20,884 --> 01:43:22,875 Mamie! Martin Luther's out! 1278 01:43:23,684 --> 01:43:25,163 Martin Luther! 1279 01:43:32,244 --> 01:43:33,677 Did you get the suet, Hymie? 1280 01:43:33,764 --> 01:43:35,800 Oy vey! The suet! I clean forgot. 1281 01:43:36,044 --> 01:43:37,557 The suet? You forgot? 1282 01:43:37,644 --> 01:43:39,362 The lard, the fish oil, the butterfat... 1283 01:43:39,444 --> 01:43:42,356 the dripping, the wool grease I remembered, but the suet... 1284 01:43:42,444 --> 01:43:44,400 So what do you keep up here? Adipose tissue? 1285 01:43:45,484 --> 01:43:46,803 Look out, here he comes! 1286 01:43:46,884 --> 01:43:48,875 Girls, girls! Your father forgot the suet! 1287 01:43:50,404 --> 01:43:51,393 Hello, Martin. 1288 01:43:51,644 --> 01:43:53,600 - Where's the john? - We don't have one. 1289 01:43:54,124 --> 01:43:55,523 No john? What do you do? 1290 01:43:55,764 --> 01:43:56,753 We eat fat. 1291 01:43:57,244 --> 01:43:59,041 And that stops you going to the john? 1292 01:43:59,124 --> 01:44:00,159 It's a theory. 1293 01:44:00,244 --> 01:44:01,563 Yeah, but does it work? 1294 01:44:01,884 --> 01:44:04,478 - We ain't got no john. - Yeah, but do you need to go? 1295 01:44:04,564 --> 01:44:06,202 You know how it is with theories. 1296 01:44:06,284 --> 01:44:08,434 Some days they're fine, one, two, three days... 1297 01:44:08,524 --> 01:44:10,879 then when it looks like you're ready to publish... 1298 01:44:10,964 --> 01:44:12,477 whoosh! You need a new kitchen floor. 1299 01:44:12,564 --> 01:44:13,838 Oh, you should be so lucky! 1300 01:44:15,604 --> 01:44:18,835 - Do you need any cleaning inside? - No, today it's all going fine. 1301 01:44:19,244 --> 01:44:20,996 How about showing me the cutlery? 1302 01:44:21,164 --> 01:44:23,632 Martin. I've got a woman and children in there. 1303 01:44:23,884 --> 01:44:26,956 So, there's no problem. I just look at a few spoons. 1304 01:44:27,044 --> 01:44:29,797 I've got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean. 1305 01:44:29,884 --> 01:44:33,160 Honest. I don't look at your girls. I don't think about them. 1306 01:44:33,244 --> 01:44:35,439 There! I put them out of my mind. 1307 01:44:35,524 --> 01:44:39,676 Their arms, their necks, their little legs and bosoms, I wipe from my mind. 1308 01:44:41,124 --> 01:44:45,083 - You just want to see the spoons? - My life. That's what I want to see. 1309 01:44:47,484 --> 01:44:49,759 - I know I'm going to regret this. - No, listen! 1310 01:44:49,964 --> 01:44:51,716 Cutlery is really my thing now. 1311 01:44:51,924 --> 01:44:54,802 Girls with round breasts is over for me. 1312 01:44:55,364 --> 01:44:57,480 What am I doing? I know what's going to happen. 1313 01:44:57,564 --> 01:44:59,202 I'll crouch behind you. 1314 01:45:02,524 --> 01:45:04,754 Mamie! Guess who's come to see us? 1315 01:45:04,844 --> 01:45:07,312 Hymie! Are you out of your mind already? 1316 01:45:07,604 --> 01:45:09,481 You know how old your daughters are! 1317 01:45:09,564 --> 01:45:11,043 He only wants to see the spoons. 1318 01:45:11,124 --> 01:45:13,399 What'd you have to bring him into my house for? 1319 01:45:13,484 --> 01:45:15,315 Mamie, he doesn't think about girls anymore. 1320 01:45:15,404 --> 01:45:18,441 Mrs. Meyer, as far as girls is concerned... 1321 01:45:18,764 --> 01:45:19,992 I shot my wad. 1322 01:45:20,404 --> 01:45:23,316 - You shot your wad? - Definitely. 1323 01:45:23,644 --> 01:45:25,362 Which spoons do you want to view? 1324 01:45:25,444 --> 01:45:28,561 - I guess the soup spoons. - Now, they're good spoons. 1325 01:45:28,644 --> 01:45:31,363 - Got them arranged? - No, but I could arrange them for you. 1326 01:45:31,444 --> 01:45:33,514 Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer. 1327 01:45:33,604 --> 01:45:35,879 It's no bother. I want you to see these spoons... 1328 01:45:35,964 --> 01:45:38,353 like I would want to see them myself. 1329 01:45:38,444 --> 01:45:39,957 You're too kind, Mrs. Meyer. 1330 01:45:40,364 --> 01:45:42,559 You could get your daughters to show me them. 1331 01:45:42,644 --> 01:45:44,714 Hymie! Get him out of here! 1332 01:45:44,804 --> 01:45:47,841 Mamie, he only said for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons. 1333 01:45:47,924 --> 01:45:50,563 Like you think I'm running some kind of bordello here... 1334 01:45:50,644 --> 01:45:53,033 Mrs. Meyer, how can you say such a thing? 1335 01:45:53,124 --> 01:45:56,161 Listen, Martin Luther, I know what you want to do with my girls. 1336 01:45:56,244 --> 01:45:57,393 Show me the spoons. 1337 01:45:57,484 --> 01:46:01,443 You want them to pull up their skirts and lean over a chair with their legs apart... 1338 01:46:01,524 --> 01:46:02,673 Mamie, don't get excited. 1339 01:46:02,764 --> 01:46:04,800 I'm getting excited? It's him that's excited. 1340 01:46:04,884 --> 01:46:07,000 My mind is on the spoons. 1341 01:46:07,084 --> 01:46:09,917 But you can't stop thinking of those girls over the chairs. 1342 01:46:10,004 --> 01:46:10,993 I need to use the bathroom. 1343 01:46:11,084 --> 01:46:12,995 Hymie, I'm a married woman! 1344 01:46:13,084 --> 01:46:15,120 So just show him the spoons. 1345 01:46:15,364 --> 01:46:17,400 You don't want to put nothing up me? 1346 01:46:18,684 --> 01:46:21,073 Mrs. Meyer, you read my mind. 1347 01:46:22,524 --> 01:46:25,243 Yes, another convert for the Protestants. 1348 01:46:25,364 --> 01:46:28,401 But despite Luther's efforts to promote sex for pleasure... 1349 01:46:28,724 --> 01:46:30,999 children multiplied everywhere.