1 00:01:23,146 --> 00:01:25,090 Slow it down, Bob. 2 00:01:25,271 --> 00:01:27,884 Need a doughnut break. We're having chest pains. 3 00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,963 Keep it moving, flabby. 4 00:01:30,152 --> 00:01:32,389 Opening night is less than a week away. 5 00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:36,688 Where in the script does it say that Truman Capote has a fat, saggy ass? 6 00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:42,398 In the very beginning. "Enter Capote, followed by his fat, saggy ass." 7 00:01:42,581 --> 00:01:46,987 -Hi, Walt. -Oh, Suzie-Q, looking good. Ruthy. 8 00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:49,651 -Let's have drinks again soon. -I'll call you. 9 00:01:52,173 --> 00:01:55,745 Nice. When did you have drinks with her? 10 00:01:56,552 --> 00:01:59,666 The other day. Didn't I tell you? She stopped by. 11 00:01:59,846 --> 00:02:02,330 -Well, where was l? -You were.... 12 00:02:02,516 --> 00:02:04,964 Oh, that's right, you were taking a nap. 13 00:02:05,143 --> 00:02:10,429 -So did you make a move? -I wanted to. I couldn't get her alone. 14 00:02:10,604 --> 00:02:14,046 Had that friend, Ruthy, with her. She's like a frigging shadow. 15 00:02:15,319 --> 00:02:17,521 -Hi. -Pole. Pole. Pole. 16 00:02:20,115 --> 00:02:23,021 Okay, now that's seven mushroom, three onion... 17 00:02:23,202 --> 00:02:25,862 ...two regular cheese but one with no pickles. 18 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,652 And we have six fries, four Pepsi, and two 7 UP. 19 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:33,857 You got 180 seconds, or that food is free. 20 00:02:34,045 --> 00:02:35,825 Keep your wallets handy, boys. 21 00:02:37,713 --> 00:02:41,120 I keep flip-flopping whether to go with the suit or the kimono. 22 00:02:41,302 --> 00:02:44,044 Hey, guys, we've got a tester on number six. 23 00:02:44,221 --> 00:02:47,502 Okay, thanks, Mim. What did Robert Morse do in it? 24 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,046 He did both, but he had the budget for it. 25 00:02:50,226 --> 00:02:54,081 We got 1 2 American Charlies, seven with fungus, three tearjerkers... 26 00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:57,469 ...two bare-assed, hold the pom-poms on one and frog sticks. 27 00:02:57,651 --> 00:03:00,264 We could do it with three hands tied behind our backs! 28 00:03:30,181 --> 00:03:33,462 Rocket, I need four Pepsi and two 7 UP on number six. 29 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,628 Don't forget, you've got two Diet Pepsi on number nine. 30 00:03:36,810 --> 00:03:39,375 You got it, Mimmy. Three 7 UP coming up. 31 00:03:39,564 --> 00:03:43,171 -No, it's two 7 UP-- -I got it. I got it. 32 00:04:13,051 --> 00:04:15,170 Looks like they're having serious trouble. 33 00:04:16,305 --> 00:04:18,706 Come on. Come on. 34 00:04:18,893 --> 00:04:22,383 1 2, 1 1, 10, 9... 35 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,967 -...8, 7, 6, 5... -I'd go with the kimono. 36 00:04:26,149 --> 00:04:28,926 ...4, 3, 2-- 37 00:04:29,107 --> 00:04:33,348 -I'm sorry, boys. Maybe next time. -Thanks, Mimmy. 38 00:04:33,571 --> 00:04:34,973 So close. 39 00:04:36,992 --> 00:04:39,816 You downloaded another picture of your lnternet pal. 40 00:04:39,993 --> 00:04:41,937 What's her name, Poon Tang? 41 00:04:42,119 --> 00:04:46,490 -Her name is May Fong. -So she says. 42 00:04:46,666 --> 00:04:48,985 She could be a 50-year-old circus freak... 43 00:04:49,169 --> 00:04:52,111 ...with six teeth and a set of hairy walnuts. 44 00:04:52,339 --> 00:04:53,989 Nice. 45 00:04:54,673 --> 00:04:57,157 They paid 3.5 million. We could've gotten it for 1.2. 46 00:04:57,343 --> 00:04:58,664 I want my drink. 47 00:04:58,845 --> 00:05:02,287 Well, hallelujah. We finally got our drinks. 48 00:05:02,474 --> 00:05:04,505 Root beer machine had to be changed. 49 00:05:04,685 --> 00:05:09,255 What the--? Hold on, pal. Diet Pepsi. We ordered Diet Pepsi. Are you dense? 50 00:05:09,437 --> 00:05:12,514 I'm Rocket. Dennis works at the post office. Need stamps? 51 00:05:12,691 --> 00:05:15,092 Oh, so you're a smart-ass, huh? 52 00:05:15,277 --> 00:05:17,678 Oh, you idiot! These are my good pants! 53 00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:20,802 Oh, those are her good pants. 54 00:05:20,990 --> 00:05:22,722 Honey-- 55 00:05:23,118 --> 00:05:24,439 Unbelievable. 56 00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:28,059 -I want to talk to the owner. -All right, right behind you. 57 00:05:30,749 --> 00:05:33,233 Which one of you two is in charge of this dump? 58 00:05:33,418 --> 00:05:35,819 Your damn busboy just ruined my wife's pants. 59 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:40,291 Well, I'm sorry about that. You know, club soda's good for that. 60 00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:43,956 I'm sure you think it's very progressive to hire Jerry's Kids... 61 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:46,115 ...but keep the freaks in the back... 62 00:05:46,432 --> 00:05:49,128 ...washing dishes, away from the paying customers. 63 00:05:49,309 --> 00:05:52,799 You are absolutely right. How many times have I told you, Walt... 64 00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:55,883 -...we don't want freaks here. -He tells me. I never-- 65 00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:59,427 -Ever! Ever, do you? -For some reason. I don't know why. 66 00:05:59,608 --> 00:06:02,432 We're on top of it. We're gonna handle it right now. 67 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,272 Rocket, let me talk to you for a minute. 68 00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:12,808 You know, we have a rule about freaks in this place. We don't like them. 69 00:06:13,371 --> 00:06:14,985 And we don't want them. 70 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,819 So, Rocket, you see that door over there? 71 00:06:18,041 --> 00:06:20,196 Would you escort this freak through it? 72 00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:24,116 No problem. Right this way, please. 73 00:06:24,298 --> 00:06:25,749 I'm not going anywhere. 74 00:06:31,556 --> 00:06:33,041 Don't forget your bag. 75 00:06:33,723 --> 00:06:36,124 Come on, let's get out of here. 76 00:06:36,767 --> 00:06:39,673 Would you like those root beers to go? 77 00:06:40,813 --> 00:06:43,297 All right, burgers on the house! 78 00:06:45,444 --> 00:06:50,343 -He's just kidding, you cheap bastards. -No, I'm not. No, I'm not. 79 00:06:50,532 --> 00:06:52,933 No, yeah, he is. He is. 80 00:07:22,227 --> 00:07:25,256 -Nice stop, guys. Way to go. -Thanks, Stan. 81 00:07:32,780 --> 00:07:34,899 Great game, Walt. That was a huge win. 82 00:07:35,072 --> 00:07:37,814 Thanks, Stan. I was seeing the puck well tonight. 83 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:41,973 -Walt, how many saves you guys have? -I had 1 1, and Bob had 26. 84 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,148 Bob-o was standing on his head out there. 85 00:07:46,460 --> 00:07:48,157 Check this out. 86 00:07:51,754 --> 00:07:55,161 Wow, she's new. Hey, Dave, how about another tall one? 87 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,578 You got it. How about you there, Bob? 88 00:07:57,758 --> 00:08:00,418 No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight. 89 00:08:00,595 --> 00:08:01,916 Got it. 90 00:08:03,558 --> 00:08:06,171 I taste ice cream. 91 00:08:08,186 --> 00:08:11,349 You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit. 92 00:08:11,522 --> 00:08:16,504 Hey, Romeo, how about you invite your friend May out for a visit this spring? 93 00:08:16,692 --> 00:08:19,093 Vineyard can be romantic that time of year... 94 00:08:19,278 --> 00:08:20,680 ...and we so horny. 95 00:08:20,861 --> 00:08:25,232 No, I checked the Farmer's Almanac. It's supposed to be a muddy spring. 96 00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:28,738 No, it's gonna be sloppy. I don't want her to come out-- 97 00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:35,869 Seriously, man, I just-- You know, I want it to be right. 98 00:08:36,044 --> 00:08:38,868 -I'm trying to be smart. -You overanalyze this stuff. 99 00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:40,993 What is that supposed to mean? 100 00:08:41,173 --> 00:08:44,454 You should be talking to this chickie-poo down at the bar. 101 00:08:44,843 --> 00:08:46,962 -No. -Come on. 102 00:08:47,140 --> 00:08:50,712 -Come on. Get over there. Say hello. -No. No. No, don't do it. 103 00:08:50,890 --> 00:08:54,135 -No way. Cut it out. Stop it. -Go on. She's smiling at you. 104 00:08:54,309 --> 00:08:57,916 If she wanted to talk to somebody, she would've brought a friend. 105 00:08:58,439 --> 00:09:04,382 Hi. How are you? My name's Bob Tenor. But I'm really more of a baritone. 106 00:09:04,571 --> 00:09:06,433 Hi, Bob. 107 00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,062 This is my brother, Walt. 108 00:09:12,370 --> 00:09:16,940 Look, if you're ever in town-- I mean, I know you're in town now... 109 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,452 ...but I mean, if you're ever in town and not in a bar.... 110 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:24,035 That came off wrong. It sounded like you were a skanky whore. 111 00:09:25,758 --> 00:09:28,159 I'd love it if you'd come by Quikee Burger... 112 00:09:28,342 --> 00:09:32,032 ...which is my restaurant that I own with my brother, Walt. 113 00:09:32,221 --> 00:09:34,083 You met him. 114 00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:37,625 Time's up, Casanever. 115 00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:39,841 -Can I join you for a drink? -Sure. 116 00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:41,882 -Okay. What's your name? -Debbie. 117 00:09:42,064 --> 00:09:45,178 -Hi, I'm Walt Tenor. -Nice to meet you. 118 00:09:47,027 --> 00:09:51,315 Dear May, thanks for the latest photo, 119 00:09:51,489 --> 00:09:53,973 I look at it whenever I'm in need of a smile, 120 00:09:54,156 --> 00:09:58,057 I'm sending a picture of me at work, Hope you like it, 121 00:09:58,245 --> 00:10:00,564 Yours, Bob, 122 00:10:00,748 --> 00:10:02,985 I' m starting to cramp. 123 00:10:03,291 --> 00:10:04,860 -Hey. -Hey. 124 00:10:05,041 --> 00:10:06,937 -How's the letter coming? -Good. 125 00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:08,908 Yeah, what do you got? 126 00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:13,208 It's personal. You know, I don't go nosing into your business. 127 00:10:13,383 --> 00:10:16,873 I'm sorry. Mind typing on your knees? 128 00:10:17,054 --> 00:10:18,375 Okay. 129 00:10:18,555 --> 00:10:20,839 Here we go. There you go. Turn around. 130 00:10:24,268 --> 00:10:28,251 -Shouldn't you study your lines? -Not necessary. Locked and loaded. 131 00:10:28,439 --> 00:10:30,171 Then help me stack the wood. 132 00:10:30,359 --> 00:10:33,931 I can't. I could pull something. It's a performance day. 133 00:10:38,323 --> 00:10:41,065 Aren't you a little bit nervous? 134 00:10:42,037 --> 00:10:45,200 What's a four-letter word for snatch? 135 00:10:45,663 --> 00:10:47,525 Grab. 136 00:10:53,254 --> 00:10:55,996 You're not even a little bit nervous? 137 00:10:56,175 --> 00:10:58,576 What's there to be nervous about? 138 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:03,742 Well, you're up there in a one-man show, in front of all those people. 139 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,496 You know, I'd be crapping myself. 140 00:11:06,684 --> 00:11:08,921 It's my ninth year, I think I'm just.... 141 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,468 I feel like I'm over it, you know? 142 00:11:11,645 --> 00:11:14,926 -I guess that's how you have to be. -Well.... 143 00:11:17,569 --> 00:11:21,224 You're doing that blinking thing. Are you gonna have a panic attack? 144 00:11:21,405 --> 00:11:23,301 -No, I'm cool. -Are you all right? 145 00:11:23,491 --> 00:11:25,857 -You all right? -No, I'm not gonna-- 146 00:11:26,035 --> 00:11:29,064 -I'm gonna-- -Oh, God. Take it easy. 147 00:11:29,246 --> 00:11:30,896 -Calm down. -I think I'm dying. 148 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,448 -I'm dying. -You're not. 149 00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:35,485 -Oh, God. -You're having a panic attack. 150 00:11:35,668 --> 00:11:37,564 -Come on. Take it easy. -Get my bag. 151 00:11:37,751 --> 00:11:39,818 Wait, I'm having an arrhythmia. 152 00:11:40,007 --> 00:11:43,206 Here you go. Breathe into the bag. Short breaths. 153 00:11:43,385 --> 00:11:45,416 Concentrate on the breathing. 154 00:11:45,595 --> 00:11:48,419 It's nine years in a row! I don't want to go on-stage. 155 00:11:48,598 --> 00:11:50,753 Why do I have to go on-stage with you? 156 00:11:50,932 --> 00:11:53,838 You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine, all right? 157 00:11:55,647 --> 00:11:58,635 You're gonna have fun tonight, all right? 158 00:11:58,815 --> 00:12:00,465 You're gonna have fun. 159 00:12:00,649 --> 00:12:06,016 Any normal person with a normal sense of self-preservation... 160 00:12:06,196 --> 00:12:09,851 ...would understand that all an artist has is his life. 161 00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:13,939 And what he observes as he passes through his life. 162 00:12:14,121 --> 00:12:18,691 And any serious writer hanging out for years with the rich, well... 163 00:12:18,874 --> 00:12:22,775 ...my God, you'd have to be deluded to the point of derangement... 164 00:12:22,963 --> 00:12:27,908 ...not to realize that that writer was taking notes. 165 00:12:30,344 --> 00:12:33,786 My God, I even told them. 166 00:12:33,971 --> 00:12:37,826 They knew I was writing this book. What did they think I was there for? 167 00:12:38,017 --> 00:12:40,630 The intellectual stimulation? 168 00:12:40,812 --> 00:12:42,263 The wit? 169 00:12:42,439 --> 00:12:44,171 The spiritual uplift? 170 00:12:44,355 --> 00:12:47,600 I brought the intellect and the wit to the party. 171 00:12:50,152 --> 00:12:53,094 Okay, okay, he's coming. He's coming. 172 00:12:56,202 --> 00:12:58,944 Bravo! Bravo! 173 00:12:59,204 --> 00:13:02,063 -You were just wonderful! -Thank you, Mim. 174 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:03,980 Yeah, Walt, you were great. 175 00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:06,146 Bob, you sucked. 176 00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:09,080 -Hey. -Come on, Rocket, I'm not an actor. 177 00:13:09,254 --> 00:13:10,868 So, what's up for next year? 178 00:13:11,507 --> 00:13:14,914 -Oh, I don't know. -Oh, come on, tell them the big idea. 179 00:13:15,092 --> 00:13:17,376 -What is it? -He wants to do a musical version... 180 00:13:17,553 --> 00:13:20,495 -...of Bonnie and Clyde. -All right! 181 00:13:29,773 --> 00:13:34,508 -You were awesome last night. -Thanks. 182 00:13:35,404 --> 00:13:37,723 Is everything all right? You seem a little-- 183 00:13:37,906 --> 00:13:42,805 Remember when we were little and we first found out we'd never be separated? 184 00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:46,403 -Sure. -Made a blood pact that day, remember? 185 00:13:46,579 --> 00:13:50,151 Yeah, we promised we'd never hold each other back, no matter what. 186 00:13:50,334 --> 00:13:54,106 And we never have. Right off the bat, we made a hell of a team. 187 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,122 Trick or treat! 188 00:14:11,104 --> 00:14:13,552 Get them! Get them! 189 00:14:19,446 --> 00:14:22,388 Man, those freaks are fast. 190 00:14:27,035 --> 00:14:28,979 Strike one! 191 00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:31,774 Let's do it! Now, come on! Get out there! 192 00:14:37,876 --> 00:14:42,740 Break. Break. Break. Break. Okay, come on. You keep it clean, now. 193 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,551 You're out! 194 00:15:06,987 --> 00:15:09,846 Your kings and queens! 195 00:15:11,616 --> 00:15:12,937 Right, Betty! 196 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,025 So, what's your point? 197 00:15:16,163 --> 00:15:18,230 Here, sit down. 198 00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,819 Oh, jeez. 199 00:15:22,919 --> 00:15:24,781 I want to be an actor. 200 00:15:26,047 --> 00:15:28,114 Yeah. Of course. 201 00:15:28,299 --> 00:15:31,741 Look, I'm sorry, man. I know I freaked out yesterday... 202 00:15:31,926 --> 00:15:33,993 ...but I'll go on-stage with you again. 203 00:15:34,179 --> 00:15:38,115 You can even sing if you want to. I'd never stop you from doing that. 204 00:15:38,519 --> 00:15:42,174 I mean, I want to be a real actor. 205 00:15:42,353 --> 00:15:43,838 I want to move to Hollywood. 206 00:15:44,438 --> 00:15:46,593 -What?! -I think I got the chops for it. 207 00:15:46,776 --> 00:15:48,931 Those people last night were moved. 208 00:15:49,111 --> 00:15:53,012 -I got to them. -Look, those were your friends. 209 00:15:54,197 --> 00:15:56,352 What's that supposed to mean? 210 00:15:56,535 --> 00:15:58,819 Look, I just meant.... 211 00:15:59,747 --> 00:16:02,231 Look, man, we're from Martha's Vineyard, okay? 212 00:16:02,413 --> 00:16:04,615 You know, people here.... 213 00:16:04,793 --> 00:16:07,358 You know, we're lifeguards and fishermen. 214 00:16:07,546 --> 00:16:09,947 We own restaurants. 215 00:16:10,129 --> 00:16:13,292 We do not star in movies. 216 00:16:14,464 --> 00:16:15,832 What about Meryl Streep? 217 00:16:16,012 --> 00:16:18,836 She's not from the Vineyard. She shot one movie here. 218 00:16:19,013 --> 00:16:22,258 She stayed on a couple extra weeks because she liked it. 219 00:16:22,432 --> 00:16:26,087 -What are you--? What is your point? -Well.... 220 00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:31,425 Okay, look, I'm gonna put it to you this way. 221 00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:36,352 Who were the last conjoined twins who were nominated for an Oscar? 222 00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:41,023 I can't believe I'm hearing this from you, of all people. 223 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,684 Isn't that what people told us our whole lives? 224 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,858 We couldn't do what normal people did. Never stopped us. 225 00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:51,022 By the way, Hollywood just happens to be in L.A. where May Fong lives. 226 00:16:51,207 --> 00:16:53,984 I'm not ready for that. She's crowding me as it is. 227 00:16:54,168 --> 00:16:57,823 Crowding you?! She's been your lnternet pal for three years. 228 00:16:58,008 --> 00:17:00,210 You haven't even met her! 229 00:17:00,464 --> 00:17:03,627 Look, man. What about me, man? I have a business here. 230 00:17:03,808 --> 00:17:06,796 If things work out, we can open a Quikee Burger in L.A. 231 00:17:06,976 --> 00:17:11,094 Yeah, or better yet, maybe you can get in the movie biz too. 232 00:17:11,269 --> 00:17:13,424 What am I gonna do in the movie business? 233 00:17:13,604 --> 00:17:17,423 I don't know. You could be my stunt double. 234 00:17:17,606 --> 00:17:19,303 -Your stunt double? -Yeah. 235 00:17:19,485 --> 00:17:23,222 If I gotta do, like, a dangerous stunt, you could do it... 236 00:17:23,401 --> 00:17:25,603 ...so that I don't get hurt. 237 00:17:27,324 --> 00:17:31,858 Come on. I need to do this while I still can. I'm getting old, Bob. 238 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,159 -Walt, you're 32. -Going on 50. 239 00:17:34,331 --> 00:17:37,319 Listen, I can't help it you got most of our liver. Okay? 240 00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:40,030 I'm aging faster. I got bags under my eyes. 241 00:17:40,215 --> 00:17:44,198 And you? Time's passing. You got nothing to show except for pictures. 242 00:17:44,384 --> 00:17:48,502 -You haven't been laid in five years. -Hey, how would you know? 243 00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,302 I don't know, Walt. 244 00:17:54,556 --> 00:17:57,801 You know, we got a great thing going here. 245 00:17:57,981 --> 00:18:00,840 -lt might not be the same-- -lt might be better! 246 00:18:01,025 --> 00:18:03,590 Have you ever thought about that? 247 00:18:03,775 --> 00:18:06,259 Three months, we go, we see how it works out. 248 00:18:06,445 --> 00:18:10,300 If it doesn't, we come home. I'll be happy because I know we tried. 249 00:18:17,288 --> 00:18:19,817 Okay, Hollywood... 250 00:18:20,082 --> 00:18:23,070 ...but you're gonna owe me bigtime for this. 251 00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:50,848 Bye. 252 00:18:52,114 --> 00:18:53,894 Bye, Bob. 253 00:20:06,180 --> 00:20:08,745 You sure this is the right Hollywood and Vine? 254 00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:12,261 -According to the brochure, it is. -Show us your power, Lord. 255 00:20:12,435 --> 00:20:17,802 Lord, Lord, hates the sin, but loves the sinner. 256 00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:21,311 -Show us your truth, Jesus. -Holy smokes. 257 00:20:22,112 --> 00:20:24,179 Hey, freaks! 258 00:20:24,363 --> 00:20:26,060 Yo! 259 00:20:33,873 --> 00:20:35,904 Hello! 260 00:20:51,057 --> 00:20:52,459 Fade out! 261 00:20:52,639 --> 00:20:54,371 My wife's not out there, is she? 262 00:20:55,933 --> 00:20:58,088 No, I haven't seen anybody. 263 00:21:00,688 --> 00:21:02,667 That psycho midget's been riding my ass... 264 00:21:02,856 --> 00:21:06,839 ...to finish this screenplay I've been working on for the last two years. 265 00:21:10,949 --> 00:21:12,811 This is it. 266 00:21:12,993 --> 00:21:14,690 Clean sheets and towels. 267 00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:18,437 There'll be a pot of green tea in the office every morning. 268 00:21:18,622 --> 00:21:21,282 -Name's Moe if you need anything. -This is great. 269 00:21:21,457 --> 00:21:24,199 Do you have a room with a double bed? 270 00:21:24,668 --> 00:21:26,318 Sorry, this is all I got. 271 00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:28,613 But tell you what I can do... 272 00:21:28,797 --> 00:21:32,534 ...I'll see if I can get a queen bed in here in about a week or two. 273 00:21:34,012 --> 00:21:36,836 -See you guys. -Thanks, Moe. 274 00:21:47,108 --> 00:21:49,850 Give her a call. Let her know we're here. 275 00:21:50,026 --> 00:21:51,676 What--? 276 00:21:52,279 --> 00:21:55,560 This is serious. We have a lot of things to do out here. 277 00:21:55,740 --> 00:21:59,068 Not the least of which is get you into a casting agency... 278 00:21:59,242 --> 00:22:01,643 ...without them laughing you out of the room. 279 00:22:01,829 --> 00:22:03,479 Why would they laugh? 280 00:22:03,663 --> 00:22:05,277 I mean, look at you. 281 00:22:05,456 --> 00:22:09,527 You're pale as a ghost. We gotta get you a tan. 282 00:22:10,586 --> 00:22:15,654 Okay, what's a four-letter word for voiceless, ends in D? 283 00:22:16,094 --> 00:22:17,791 -Surd. -Surd? 284 00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:20,034 Surd with a U. 285 00:22:23,516 --> 00:22:27,922 I gotta tell you, this crossword's a lot easier than the one I'm used to at home. 286 00:22:32,775 --> 00:22:36,676 Well, well, well, what do we have here? 287 00:22:37,737 --> 00:22:39,434 -Hey! -Hi. 288 00:22:39,612 --> 00:22:42,308 -Are you new around here? -Got in this morning. 289 00:22:42,492 --> 00:22:45,853 -My name's Walt. -Hey, I'm April. 290 00:22:46,036 --> 00:22:49,443 -This is my brother, Bob. -Hey. Bob Tenor. 291 00:22:49,872 --> 00:22:51,357 Have a seat. 292 00:22:51,542 --> 00:22:53,074 So you guys are brand-new. 293 00:22:53,250 --> 00:22:57,285 -Our first California sunburn. -We're official. 294 00:22:57,505 --> 00:22:59,484 You're gonna love it here at the Star. 295 00:22:59,672 --> 00:23:02,660 I've been here, like, two and a half years, and-- 296 00:23:02,842 --> 00:23:06,284 Hey, you guys are stuck together. And I still love it here. 297 00:23:06,471 --> 00:23:08,450 We're like one big happy family. 298 00:23:08,639 --> 00:23:10,841 So where'd you get this done? 299 00:23:12,562 --> 00:23:14,799 No, no, we were born like this. 300 00:23:14,979 --> 00:23:17,838 Cool. Cool. And where are you guys from? 301 00:23:18,023 --> 00:23:21,548 Massachusetts. Bob here's a lover/grillman... 302 00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:24,558 ...and I came out to give acting a shot. 303 00:23:25,281 --> 00:23:28,269 Oh, my God! I'm an actor too. 304 00:23:28,450 --> 00:23:30,147 -Oh, yeah? -You're an actor? 305 00:23:30,327 --> 00:23:32,892 Yeah. Well, no. I mean, I want to be one. 306 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,528 Right now I'm just kind of a lingerie model. 307 00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:37,192 Oh, my God! So am l. 308 00:23:38,252 --> 00:23:40,319 No, he isn't. 309 00:23:40,504 --> 00:23:42,988 No, seriously, like, do you have an agent? 310 00:23:43,171 --> 00:23:44,985 No, no, not yet. How about you? 311 00:23:45,175 --> 00:23:47,541 No, not momentarily, but I did have one. 312 00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:50,247 This colostomy bag named Morty O'Reilly. 313 00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,795 -Hey, you want a beer? -Yeah. 314 00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:58,845 I've had better luck on my own. Every morning I read Back Stage West. 315 00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:00,341 -Can I see? -Yeah. 316 00:24:00,521 --> 00:24:03,134 And it lists all the open casting calls. 317 00:24:03,981 --> 00:24:06,805 Yeah, you don't even need an agent with that thing. 318 00:24:07,238 --> 00:24:09,722 Bob, check this out. Right here. 319 00:24:09,903 --> 00:24:12,468 "Wanted: Tall, handsome, distinguished actor... 320 00:24:12,657 --> 00:24:15,141 ...to play Robin Hood for the new millennium." 321 00:24:15,329 --> 00:24:16,731 -That's you! -That is me! 322 00:24:16,911 --> 00:24:18,890 -That is you! -ls that me? 323 00:24:19,081 --> 00:24:20,895 -Yeah, it's you! -lt is me. 324 00:24:22,625 --> 00:24:24,239 You guys are fun. 325 00:24:24,418 --> 00:24:27,990 Listen, ye all, and hear me now. 326 00:24:29,299 --> 00:24:31,783 The sheriff of Nottingham will come forth... 327 00:24:31,967 --> 00:24:35,868 ...but he will not bend this merry band of-- 328 00:24:36,055 --> 00:24:37,951 Of brothers! 329 00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:40,042 He will-- 330 00:24:40,933 --> 00:24:42,665 Who put you up to this? 331 00:24:42,853 --> 00:24:45,630 It was Lovett over at CAA, wasn't it? 332 00:24:46,188 --> 00:24:50,171 Joan, get that SOB on the horn for me, will you, please? 333 00:24:50,651 --> 00:24:53,680 Did you bring a headshot and list of your credits? 334 00:24:54,028 --> 00:24:58,235 You know, I was supposed to do that, and I forgot it at home. 335 00:24:59,658 --> 00:25:03,313 Sometimes I think he'd forget his own brother if I wasn't sewn on. 336 00:25:05,081 --> 00:25:08,771 Okay, thank you for coming. We'll be in touch. 337 00:25:11,087 --> 00:25:12,408 No. 338 00:25:37,529 --> 00:25:41,136 I'm sorry, but the message that we're trying to get across... 339 00:25:41,322 --> 00:25:47,652 ...is that Dubble Bubble doubles the taste, not causes birth defects. 340 00:25:51,166 --> 00:25:54,025 I don't know. Maybe you were right, Bob. 341 00:25:54,211 --> 00:25:56,155 Maybe this is a pipe dream. 342 00:25:56,335 --> 00:26:00,271 Yeah. Probably time to face facts. 343 00:26:00,466 --> 00:26:03,325 If you haven't made it in the first 72 hours... 344 00:26:03,511 --> 00:26:06,918 -...you should probably just pack it in. -Right. 345 00:26:07,096 --> 00:26:11,630 I bet Meryl Streep wasn't out here six hours before she got her big break. 346 00:26:11,809 --> 00:26:13,876 De Niro too. 347 00:26:14,061 --> 00:26:16,674 And Steve Buscemi? With his pearly whites... 348 00:26:16,854 --> 00:26:20,017 ...he was in town 45 minutes before he got his first role. 349 00:26:20,193 --> 00:26:22,722 -Are you making fun of me? -You bet I am. 350 00:26:22,901 --> 00:26:27,636 I know you were born without a liver, but you got some backbone, didn't you? 351 00:26:28,699 --> 00:26:33,398 -You gotta admit these past couple of-- -I'm not gonna admit anything. 352 00:26:33,578 --> 00:26:35,944 How do we know the Lion King producers... 353 00:26:36,123 --> 00:26:39,813 ...aren't looking for some conjoined hyenas as we speak? 354 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,650 Know who will get the part now? 355 00:26:41,836 --> 00:26:45,491 Those Schappell sisters from Oregon who are stuck at the forehead. 356 00:26:45,674 --> 00:26:47,958 Why? They're country-and-western singers, not actors. 357 00:26:48,134 --> 00:26:51,333 Because you quit, that's why. 358 00:26:52,096 --> 00:26:53,828 Right. 359 00:26:54,973 --> 00:26:58,828 -Maybe I was a little hasty. -Good. 360 00:26:59,187 --> 00:27:01,424 Hey, don't worry about anything. 361 00:27:01,604 --> 00:27:07,135 I happen to have a little plan that's going into effect first thing tomorrow morning. 362 00:27:08,986 --> 00:27:11,387 All right. You're a great brother, Bob. 363 00:27:11,571 --> 00:27:15,642 Yeah, I know, now zip the lip. Let's get some sleep. 364 00:27:23,707 --> 00:27:25,686 I like your plan. 365 00:27:25,876 --> 00:27:30,164 The car's only plan A. Plan B is to get you an agent. 366 00:27:30,339 --> 00:27:32,071 Right. 367 00:27:34,926 --> 00:27:37,914 Retirement home? Are you sure we got the right address? 368 00:27:38,095 --> 00:27:40,074 This is what he gave me. 369 00:27:40,266 --> 00:27:45,334 Maybe we should try someone else. April said this Morty guy's a total sleaze. 370 00:27:45,647 --> 00:27:49,502 But you said he's the only one that would give us an appointment. 371 00:27:51,192 --> 00:27:52,842 I want you to know up front... 372 00:27:53,026 --> 00:27:57,349 ...that O'Reilly only represents actors who are truly committed to their craft. 373 00:27:57,531 --> 00:28:01,221 That's me, Mr. O'Reilly. I am fully committed. 374 00:28:01,409 --> 00:28:04,737 Committed enough to pay my $200 up-front service fee? 375 00:28:04,913 --> 00:28:09,201 Which, of course, is used to defray the costs of registration fees... 376 00:28:09,377 --> 00:28:11,825 ...entitlement paperwork and what have you. 377 00:28:12,002 --> 00:28:15,330 -What are you doing? -I'm showing him how committed I am. 378 00:28:15,505 --> 00:28:18,750 You're showing him how stupid you are. Here. 379 00:28:19,801 --> 00:28:24,089 We'll give you $100 because you're only representing one of us. 380 00:28:24,264 --> 00:28:26,501 Look, I'm gonna level with you. 381 00:28:26,682 --> 00:28:29,295 Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've had. 382 00:28:29,479 --> 00:28:31,681 We're not Siamese. We're American. 383 00:28:31,855 --> 00:28:37,141 I think what my brother's saying is, he'd prefer the term "conjoined twins." 384 00:28:37,317 --> 00:28:39,261 Okay, but I should let you know... 385 00:28:39,445 --> 00:28:44,647 ...I'm not one of those run-of-the-mill suits. I'm a full-service agent. 386 00:28:45,786 --> 00:28:48,482 -Meaning? -I get 25 percent. 387 00:28:48,663 --> 00:28:52,270 -Well, what does he get in return? -Seventy-five percent. 388 00:28:52,582 --> 00:28:56,319 Well, I gotta tell you, I think he seemed like a real player. 389 00:28:56,626 --> 00:28:58,570 I guess. 390 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:01,859 Oh, my God. It's her. 391 00:29:02,299 --> 00:29:03,996 Who? 392 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,706 Don't, don't, don't, don't gawk. Don't do that. 393 00:29:07,888 --> 00:29:10,548 She's famous. She probably hates when people gawk. 394 00:29:14,602 --> 00:29:17,298 I like that part, but I just.... 395 00:29:17,855 --> 00:29:20,256 I think we gotta at least go by and say hi. 396 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,100 A minute ago, we couldn't even look at her... 397 00:29:23,277 --> 00:29:28,222 -...and now we're gonna go say hello? -Hey, Bob, relax. It would be rude not to. 398 00:29:28,574 --> 00:29:30,729 I'll do all the talking. 399 00:29:35,289 --> 00:29:37,356 Excuse me, Ms. Streep. 400 00:29:37,540 --> 00:29:39,859 Sorry to interrupt your lunch. 401 00:29:40,042 --> 00:29:43,156 I know this is completely inappropriate... 402 00:29:44,756 --> 00:29:49,655 ...but my brother Bob is a big fan of yours. He just-- 403 00:29:49,842 --> 00:29:52,371 He wanted to come by and say hi. 404 00:29:53,430 --> 00:29:57,331 -Hi. -Hi, Bob. 405 00:29:57,974 --> 00:30:01,003 We're from Oak Bluffs on Martha's Vineyard. 406 00:30:02,230 --> 00:30:03,799 I've been there. 407 00:30:03,981 --> 00:30:09,806 Yeah, I know you have. Actually, we're friends with Timmy Sheehan. 408 00:30:10,739 --> 00:30:12,553 -Who? -Timmy Sheehan. 409 00:30:13,406 --> 00:30:17,261 Remember, he waited on you one time at Jimmy Sea's restaurant? 410 00:30:17,452 --> 00:30:19,689 Remember? You autographed his menu for him. 411 00:30:19,872 --> 00:30:21,734 I did. 412 00:30:22,458 --> 00:30:24,613 I know because I read it and it said: 413 00:30:24,792 --> 00:30:27,821 "To Timmy, a good waiter. From Meryl Streep." 414 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,824 But the way you signed the P, it looked like an L... 415 00:30:31,005 --> 00:30:33,864 ...so we used to call Timmy all the time and say: 416 00:30:34,049 --> 00:30:38,748 "Hello, this is Meryl Streel calling." We were just busting his nuts. 417 00:30:39,347 --> 00:30:41,466 True story. 418 00:30:41,725 --> 00:30:44,338 I think I remember him. 419 00:30:44,684 --> 00:30:48,339 I ordered some food, and he brought it to me. 420 00:30:48,771 --> 00:30:52,508 That would be him. He's a real character. 421 00:30:52,694 --> 00:30:56,812 I can't believe you just come to a restaurant and nobody bugs you. 422 00:30:57,866 --> 00:30:59,728 Well.... 423 00:31:00,993 --> 00:31:02,725 Let's go. 424 00:31:02,952 --> 00:31:05,858 Well, let me go. 425 00:31:06,039 --> 00:31:07,983 Nice meeting you. 426 00:31:10,625 --> 00:31:14,397 You know, by the way, if you ever just wanna... 427 00:31:15,339 --> 00:31:19,909 ...get away, have a little hang time, we're at the Rising Star apartments. 428 00:31:20,091 --> 00:31:22,915 It is a pretty sweet setup. 429 00:31:23,093 --> 00:31:26,618 We got a barbecue pit there. Gas. He does steaks and chops. 430 00:31:26,809 --> 00:31:32,258 We got a pool, a little grassy knoll area, and feel free to just come by any time. 431 00:31:32,436 --> 00:31:34,591 Okay. I'll keep it in mind. 432 00:31:34,773 --> 00:31:36,892 -Great. And bring the posse. -Okay. 433 00:31:37,068 --> 00:31:38,964 Bring the posse. 434 00:31:42,321 --> 00:31:44,101 Hey! 435 00:31:45,448 --> 00:31:48,938 Wait a minute. I do remember you guys. 436 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,780 Homecoming '87. Oh, my God! I was at that game. 437 00:31:53,372 --> 00:31:56,653 With seconds on the clock, it's fourth down, one yard to go. 438 00:31:58,377 --> 00:32:00,861 -Safety cheating. -Check. Check. 439 00:32:01,048 --> 00:32:04,867 Check. Check. Apache 36. Apache 36. 440 00:32:05,050 --> 00:32:08,378 Apache 36. Apache 36. 441 00:32:08,554 --> 00:32:10,005 Okay, let's go. 442 00:32:11,975 --> 00:32:13,789 Hike. 443 00:32:14,853 --> 00:32:17,055 I'm wide open. 444 00:32:19,438 --> 00:32:24,420 Touchdown, Vineyard. Sharks win, 22-21. 445 00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:25,631 That was you! 446 00:32:25,821 --> 00:32:28,809 He actually is the one who scored the winning touchdown. 447 00:32:28,990 --> 00:32:31,021 Well, you threw him a hell of a block. 448 00:32:31,409 --> 00:32:35,650 I've always told you that. You never give yourself enough credit. 449 00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:41,190 As you can see, I'm on crutches. I was wounded during the Vietnam War. 450 00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:45,113 Had a hunting accident while hiding in Canada. 451 00:32:45,712 --> 00:32:48,241 Tried that Viagra stuff the other day. 452 00:32:48,425 --> 00:32:51,670 I didn't get an erection, but I could walk for three hours. 453 00:32:51,842 --> 00:32:54,044 Did a benefit for Jehovah Witnesses... 454 00:32:54,223 --> 00:32:57,551 ...all's they wanted to hear were "knock, knock" jokes. 455 00:33:01,436 --> 00:33:05,208 Then the three of us just sat there and talked for, like, an hour. 456 00:33:05,399 --> 00:33:07,466 Meryl-- She asked me to call her Meryl. 457 00:33:07,650 --> 00:33:11,505 Very knowledgeable on the film industry. She says I should plug away... 458 00:33:11,694 --> 00:33:15,022 ...because I have twice the presence of most actors she's met. 459 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:17,601 -Well, you do. -Thanks. 460 00:33:17,785 --> 00:33:21,066 Anyway, I told her my first love's the theater back home... 461 00:33:21,248 --> 00:33:23,485 ...felt I had to give Hollywood a crack... 462 00:33:23,666 --> 00:33:28,072 ...but if I ever go back, I should call her. She's dying to go to the Vineyard. 463 00:33:28,254 --> 00:33:30,233 She might even star in a show with me. 464 00:33:30,422 --> 00:33:33,499 -Really? Walt, that's great! -I know. 465 00:33:33,674 --> 00:33:36,158 I love it when famous people are not dickwads. 466 00:33:36,344 --> 00:33:41,079 That's the Streeper, perfectly normal. As normal as you and me. 467 00:33:41,846 --> 00:33:44,623 Stop. Anyway.... 468 00:33:45,726 --> 00:33:49,087 -Can I ask you a personal question? -Nine inches. 469 00:33:49,854 --> 00:33:52,419 I wasn't gonna ask that. Nine inches? 470 00:33:52,610 --> 00:33:54,812 Yeah, it's about nine inches across. 471 00:33:54,984 --> 00:33:57,680 No, actually, what I was gonna ask you is... 472 00:33:57,863 --> 00:34:01,353 ...if you guys ever considered, you know, getting separated? 473 00:34:01,534 --> 00:34:05,940 There's a lot of great plastic surgeons here. A lot. I mean, just look at these. 474 00:34:06,704 --> 00:34:11,439 Well, our problem can't really be fixed through a simple cosmetic surgery. 475 00:34:11,627 --> 00:34:13,694 We share a liver. He's got most of it. 476 00:34:14,210 --> 00:34:17,782 There's no way they can just nip and tuck so you both get some? 477 00:34:17,963 --> 00:34:19,284 There is and there isn't. 478 00:34:19,465 --> 00:34:25,877 The doctors at Mass General told us they could split us up at no risk to Bob... 479 00:34:26,055 --> 00:34:29,383 ...but there's a 50-50 chance that I wouldn't make it, so.... 480 00:34:29,559 --> 00:34:32,301 Oh, God, no. I don't blame you for not doing it. 481 00:34:32,481 --> 00:34:35,644 No! No, no, no, I wanted to do it. Bob wouldn't allow it. 482 00:34:38,405 --> 00:34:39,726 Oh, Bob. 483 00:34:41,697 --> 00:34:45,516 Yeah. He's really something. 484 00:34:47,952 --> 00:34:50,894 Hey, are you even sure you need a liver? 485 00:34:51,078 --> 00:34:53,479 My friend had his appendix out and he's okay. 486 00:34:54,706 --> 00:34:59,029 Okay. I'm gonna take a little sleepy now. 487 00:34:59,547 --> 00:35:01,197 Good night. 488 00:35:08,386 --> 00:35:10,453 I'm not here. 489 00:35:11,386 --> 00:35:13,036 Hello. 490 00:35:14,099 --> 00:35:19,713 No, he is currently unavailable. Can I take a message? 491 00:35:20,148 --> 00:35:22,890 -Oh, hey, Morty. -I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. 492 00:35:23,066 --> 00:35:27,222 You know, l-- He is waking up from his afternoon nap. 493 00:35:27,404 --> 00:35:28,855 Hold on, please. 494 00:35:29,029 --> 00:35:30,679 Hello! 495 00:35:32,282 --> 00:35:35,359 You're kidding me. What--? 496 00:35:35,537 --> 00:35:37,821 Of course I'll be there. 497 00:35:38,792 --> 00:35:42,234 Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. Thanks a lot. 498 00:35:43,795 --> 00:35:45,739 I got a job. 499 00:35:46,212 --> 00:35:47,862 What? 500 00:35:48,381 --> 00:35:50,782 It's a motion picture called Pavlov's Dog! 501 00:35:50,967 --> 00:35:53,663 I start tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.! 502 00:35:53,846 --> 00:35:56,165 Do you hear that, Bob? I'm a working actor! 503 00:35:56,346 --> 00:35:57,996 Great! 504 00:35:58,181 --> 00:36:00,043 Hey, it gets even better. 505 00:36:00,728 --> 00:36:04,583 In five minutes, you have a date with the girl of your dreams. 506 00:36:06,943 --> 00:36:08,593 Bobby! 507 00:36:08,777 --> 00:36:10,427 Come on. 508 00:36:10,987 --> 00:36:12,637 Bobby. 509 00:36:14,198 --> 00:36:17,443 Would you calm down? I thought you'd be happy about this. 510 00:36:17,619 --> 00:36:19,351 Oh, God. How could you? 511 00:36:19,536 --> 00:36:21,398 -How could you? -lt was easy. 512 00:36:21,580 --> 00:36:26,231 I called information, I got her number, and I called her before you woke up. 513 00:36:26,458 --> 00:36:28,108 Thank you. 514 00:36:31,796 --> 00:36:36,084 No, she is from California, Walt, she's not used to Siamese twins. 515 00:36:36,258 --> 00:36:39,164 Siamese? Hey, what happened to conjoined? 516 00:36:39,345 --> 00:36:43,798 Oh, just cut the bullshit! We're gonna freak her out! 517 00:36:46,519 --> 00:36:48,299 Excuse me. 518 00:36:50,230 --> 00:36:51,927 Hello? 519 00:37:04,117 --> 00:37:05,519 May I help you? 520 00:37:05,704 --> 00:37:08,446 Yeah, I'm looking for Bob Tenor. 521 00:37:09,748 --> 00:37:12,736 -Apartment five. -Thank you. 522 00:37:14,378 --> 00:37:17,903 -Have you been honest with this girl? -Yeah. 523 00:37:19,757 --> 00:37:21,736 -By and large. -Well.... 524 00:37:23,512 --> 00:37:27,719 -Didn't tell her about yourself, did you? -Of course I did! 525 00:37:28,892 --> 00:37:30,506 I just.... 526 00:37:31,519 --> 00:37:34,048 I didn't tell her about you. 527 00:37:42,405 --> 00:37:44,934 I can't deal with you right now. 528 00:37:53,413 --> 00:37:56,442 The pictures! What about the pictures, Bob? 529 00:37:56,626 --> 00:37:59,532 -I cut you out of them. -Oh, well, that's great! 530 00:37:59,712 --> 00:38:04,035 That is really, really great! That says a lot, brother. 531 00:38:04,549 --> 00:38:08,756 -Ashamed of me, huh? -No, I'm not ashamed of you. 532 00:38:11,388 --> 00:38:15,078 I just don't know how I feel about myself sometimes. 533 00:38:21,230 --> 00:38:24,837 -Okay, okay, okay. -What am I gonna do? 534 00:38:25,026 --> 00:38:28,798 -We'll go out the back window. -Yeah, okay, we'll make a run for it. 535 00:38:28,988 --> 00:38:31,190 We're not running anywhere. 536 00:38:50,884 --> 00:38:53,743 Hey! Where have you been hiding? 537 00:38:55,724 --> 00:38:57,961 Hi, Bob. 538 00:38:58,182 --> 00:39:02,118 -Just go ahead and tell her. -Live your own life. 539 00:39:02,309 --> 00:39:04,123 Hop in! 540 00:39:06,148 --> 00:39:09,090 Well, well, we finally meet. 541 00:39:09,692 --> 00:39:15,025 -I can't believe you're actually here. -Yeah, I know. It's amazing, huh? 542 00:39:15,196 --> 00:39:17,515 You look a lot bigger than in your photos. 543 00:39:17,742 --> 00:39:21,983 Well, I would hope so, or else I'd only be three inches tall. 544 00:39:28,292 --> 00:39:31,653 Hi, I'm Bob's brother, Walt. I spoke to you on the phone. 545 00:39:31,836 --> 00:39:33,486 Walt, meet May. 546 00:39:34,341 --> 00:39:36,825 Nice to meet you, Walt. 547 00:39:37,009 --> 00:39:42,506 -You never told me you had a brother. -I never told you I had a brother. 548 00:39:43,558 --> 00:39:46,300 Are we going somewhere? 549 00:39:46,474 --> 00:39:51,209 Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made dinner reservations. 550 00:39:53,024 --> 00:39:55,091 Tenor, party of three. 551 00:39:55,317 --> 00:39:58,094 I believe we had an 8:1 5 reservation. 552 00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:02,263 -Can I help you? -We'll have two Jumbo Jacks, please. 553 00:40:02,450 --> 00:40:06,938 A Sourdough Jack, three fries, and three medium Pepsis. 554 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:11,103 -Two Jumbo Jacks, one Sourdough,,, -Got a favorite parking spot here, Bob? 555 00:40:11,290 --> 00:40:13,445 ,,, three medium Pepsis, Anything else? 556 00:40:25,428 --> 00:40:28,789 -So how was the trip here? -Oh, awesome, awesome flight. 557 00:40:28,974 --> 00:40:31,375 Yeah, you should've seen it. We played cards. 558 00:40:31,559 --> 00:40:33,925 -Cards are fun. -Yeah. 559 00:40:36,147 --> 00:40:37,632 Grand Canyon. 560 00:40:37,816 --> 00:40:41,306 -We flew right over the Grand Canyon. -Oh, yeah? 561 00:40:41,485 --> 00:40:45,938 Yeah, it's, like, real different from the Vineyard, with the big hole and shit. 562 00:40:46,115 --> 00:40:48,146 And it was orange. 563 00:40:56,792 --> 00:40:59,869 Do you guys remember that Allen movie, Annie Hall... 564 00:41:00,045 --> 00:41:03,617 ...where the guy goes out with the girl and to ease the tension... 565 00:41:03,797 --> 00:41:07,125 ...he suggests they kiss at the beginning of the date. 566 00:41:07,301 --> 00:41:08,951 -Yes! -Do you remember this? 567 00:41:09,136 --> 00:41:11,995 -That's a really good scene. -The best is when... 568 00:41:12,179 --> 00:41:15,751 ...Diane Keaton's brother says he's gonna drive into the truck... 569 00:41:15,932 --> 00:41:18,545 ...and kill everybody in the car. 570 00:41:22,356 --> 00:41:24,006 Yeah. 571 00:41:32,115 --> 00:41:34,775 May, I think there's something I should tell you. 572 00:41:34,951 --> 00:41:36,601 Yes. 573 00:41:37,204 --> 00:41:38,901 Go ahead. 574 00:41:39,079 --> 00:41:43,402 You see, the reason that I'm acting kind of strange-- 575 00:41:45,335 --> 00:41:47,948 -I think I'm dying! -Lord. 576 00:41:48,130 --> 00:41:49,944 -I think-- I can't-- -Are you okay? 577 00:41:50,132 --> 00:41:51,994 -I can't breathe! -Oh, my God. 578 00:41:52,175 --> 00:41:53,496 Should we get out? 579 00:41:53,675 --> 00:41:56,838 No, you're having a panic attack. Here, breathe into this. 580 00:41:57,014 --> 00:41:58,876 -You don't like me, do you? -What? 581 00:41:59,057 --> 00:42:00,707 You're disappointed with me. 582 00:42:00,893 --> 00:42:04,092 No! No, you're awesome! You're even better in person! 583 00:42:04,269 --> 00:42:05,590 -No, I'm not. -Yes! 584 00:42:05,772 --> 00:42:08,301 Oh, yeah. You're a hottie. Absolutely. 585 00:42:08,482 --> 00:42:11,972 Just breathe into there. No, no, no. Oh, God, I'm, I'm, I'm-- 586 00:42:12,151 --> 00:42:17,728 I'm so embarrassed. I waited so long to meet you, and now I'm blowing it. 587 00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:19,607 -No! No. -No. No. 588 00:42:19,784 --> 00:42:22,068 You're not blowing anything. No blowing. 589 00:42:22,245 --> 00:42:26,401 You're so much better than I could-- I'm actually happy you're having this... 590 00:42:26,581 --> 00:42:29,146 ...because it means we have even more in common. 591 00:42:29,333 --> 00:42:32,192 -I freak out too. -He does. 592 00:42:32,378 --> 00:42:35,155 -You really have panic attacks? -Oh, all the time. 593 00:42:35,340 --> 00:42:40,075 I was actually just about to have one, and then you beat me to the punch. 594 00:42:53,272 --> 00:42:56,386 Hey, sorry... 595 00:42:56,943 --> 00:43:00,142 ...to have Walt here tagging along on our date. 596 00:43:00,363 --> 00:43:04,346 You know, he can be a little clingy. 597 00:43:04,575 --> 00:43:08,100 You know, it's his first time out on the Left Coast... 598 00:43:08,286 --> 00:43:12,442 ...and, you know, he's heard about the gangs... 599 00:43:12,666 --> 00:43:15,231 ...and the Crips and the Bloods, and.... 600 00:43:15,418 --> 00:43:19,354 I was less nervous about it. I actually looked into joining the Crips. 601 00:43:19,547 --> 00:43:23,154 But I found that the Bloods had a better dental plan. 602 00:43:24,384 --> 00:43:27,874 No. No, sir, that's not true. They wouldn't take me. 603 00:43:34,604 --> 00:43:37,885 -I had a lot of fun tonight, Bob. -Yeah, me too. 604 00:43:39,606 --> 00:43:42,219 Well, anyway... 605 00:43:42,402 --> 00:43:45,892 -...I guess this is it. -Yep. 606 00:43:51,077 --> 00:43:54,732 Will you walk me to the door? 607 00:43:55,706 --> 00:43:58,366 -I wanna get out and stretch my legs. -Sure, sure. 608 00:43:58,542 --> 00:44:00,192 Yeah. 609 00:44:02,213 --> 00:44:04,450 The sidewalk's safer. 610 00:44:07,048 --> 00:44:10,247 I'm gonna walk you guys right to the front door. 611 00:44:10,428 --> 00:44:14,916 This is beautiful, by the way. I got an early-morning call time. 612 00:44:18,810 --> 00:44:23,961 -Good luck tomorrow, Walt. -Oh, thank you very much. Thanks. 613 00:44:24,983 --> 00:44:30,350 You guys have probably seen enough of me. I'll just get out of your hair. 614 00:44:48,964 --> 00:44:52,245 -Good night, Bob. -Good night, May. 615 00:45:05,478 --> 00:45:08,220 -Yes! Yes! -Hey. Hey, hey. 616 00:45:09,522 --> 00:45:11,501 -Good kisser? -Yeah, I'm not bad. 617 00:45:11,690 --> 00:45:14,350 -Oh, that's good. That's cute. -That is good, huh? 618 00:45:14,529 --> 00:45:17,517 -No, no, no! It's not funny! Come on. -Who's your daddy? 619 00:45:17,697 --> 00:45:20,226 -You're my daddy. -That's it. 620 00:45:20,576 --> 00:45:23,564 -So, what's this Pavlov's Dog about? -I don't know. 621 00:45:23,746 --> 00:45:25,360 They didn't send me a script. 622 00:45:25,538 --> 00:45:29,028 Probably one of those Disney movies with the talking animals. 623 00:45:29,209 --> 00:45:30,660 "I'm Pavlov." 624 00:45:30,834 --> 00:45:34,653 -Hey, great makeup job, fellas! -Thanks. You too. 625 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:41,835 Am I just talking to hear my brains rattle? I'm hot! 626 00:45:42,013 --> 00:45:43,875 Do you hear me? I am hot! 627 00:45:44,058 --> 00:45:47,913 Look what it says here, Howard. Who's hot, who's not. Cher, red-hot! 628 00:45:50,853 --> 00:45:54,708 You're hotter than hot! You're on fire. There's no question about it. 629 00:45:54,941 --> 00:45:58,348 Then answer me this. Why am I doing this lame-ass TV show... 630 00:45:58,527 --> 00:46:02,382 -...when I should be doing movies? -Because you signed a contract... 631 00:46:02,571 --> 00:46:06,778 ...and the network's holding you to it. Honey and the Beaze isn't lame-ass. 632 00:46:06,952 --> 00:46:09,648 You're a sassy lawyer who uses DNA evidence... 633 00:46:09,828 --> 00:46:13,565 ...to free wrongly convicted minorities. This is cutting-edge stuff. 634 00:46:13,792 --> 00:46:16,616 Oh, cut the crap, Howard. Come on, this TV show... 635 00:46:16,792 --> 00:46:19,906 ...makes Touched by an Angel look like Trainspotting! 636 00:46:20,131 --> 00:46:23,986 Before I busted my nut to get you this gig, you were two weeks away... 637 00:46:24,177 --> 00:46:28,160 -...from being the corner square? -Center square. 638 00:46:28,347 --> 00:46:30,960 You told me they wanted me for center square. 639 00:46:32,225 --> 00:46:35,962 I did say that. And you see, what happened is... 640 00:46:36,146 --> 00:46:39,671 ...Alf was able to free up his schedule, and, well, they want-- 641 00:46:39,856 --> 00:46:44,755 If you didn't get lucky with one lousy indie film, you'd be begging for this job. 642 00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:47,893 Let me explain something to you, okay? 643 00:46:48,074 --> 00:46:52,109 First, that lousy little indie film has grossed over 200 million dollars! 644 00:46:52,285 --> 00:46:56,526 And secondly, I don't beg. And you know why I don't beg? 645 00:46:56,706 --> 00:47:01,029 -No. -Because I am a fucking Oscar winner! 646 00:47:02,210 --> 00:47:03,860 Cher. 647 00:47:04,337 --> 00:47:06,233 Oh, hi. Can I help you? 648 00:47:08,092 --> 00:47:11,699 Sorry, we're looking for stage 32, and a little lost. 649 00:47:11,887 --> 00:47:15,659 Thirty-- There's no 30-- Let me have a look at that. 650 00:47:17,476 --> 00:47:21,001 You're on the wrong lot. You want stage 32 at Half-Mast Studios. 651 00:47:21,188 --> 00:47:23,343 -That's across the street. -Oh, well.... 652 00:47:23,523 --> 00:47:27,048 So that would explain why the guard was shooting at us. 653 00:47:27,567 --> 00:47:29,546 Sorry to bother you. 654 00:47:30,946 --> 00:47:32,808 What? 655 00:47:34,159 --> 00:47:35,856 You're Cher. 656 00:47:36,451 --> 00:47:38,653 -Oh, boy. -l-- Sorry. I'm sorry. 657 00:47:38,829 --> 00:47:41,394 -I'm just a bi-- I'm a big fan. Big. -He is. 658 00:47:41,580 --> 00:47:44,743 Big fan of your work. And I'm an actor too. 659 00:47:44,958 --> 00:47:50,074 -You guys are an actor? -No, no. Not him. Not him. Just me. 660 00:47:50,255 --> 00:47:52,410 -I'm a short-order cook back East. -Yeah. 661 00:47:52,590 --> 00:47:57,124 He does that, and I'm out here right now just kind of going through it, you know? 662 00:47:57,304 --> 00:48:01,545 Living it right now. It's going well too. I got a couple of things going on. 663 00:48:01,723 --> 00:48:04,124 I'm doing a gig across the street, actually. 664 00:48:04,312 --> 00:48:08,084 I have an agent. Could I just trouble you for an autograph? 665 00:48:08,315 --> 00:48:09,636 We're busy. 666 00:48:10,524 --> 00:48:14,765 -Right. Okay. No heat on that. -Wrap it up. 667 00:48:14,944 --> 00:48:18,225 All right, well, just keep on keeping on. 668 00:48:18,990 --> 00:48:20,886 Do what you do. 669 00:48:24,705 --> 00:48:27,734 That really puts things into perspective, doesn't it? 670 00:48:27,956 --> 00:48:33,899 "That really puts things into perspectiv--" Just get me out of the stinking show! 671 00:48:34,712 --> 00:48:37,571 So this is your first job, huh? 672 00:48:37,757 --> 00:48:41,085 Yes. Yes, it is. Actually, I was wondering... 673 00:48:41,262 --> 00:48:44,086 ...is there somebody around who might have a script? 674 00:48:44,263 --> 00:48:46,582 I haven't gone over my lines. 675 00:48:46,765 --> 00:48:49,249 They're just gonna set up the scenes... 676 00:48:49,434 --> 00:48:52,597 ...and then they're gonna let you all just kind of wing it. 677 00:48:52,770 --> 00:48:56,460 Improv. This director sounds very progressive. 678 00:48:56,690 --> 00:48:58,222 I guess. 679 00:48:58,404 --> 00:49:01,567 Who exactly is in this film? 680 00:49:01,736 --> 00:49:06,224 Phil Rupp, Lolly Gagger, Marianna Trench... 681 00:49:06,410 --> 00:49:08,776 ...and Rebecca Romaine-Staymoist. 682 00:49:10,996 --> 00:49:14,025 Phil Rupp. Never heard of him. 683 00:49:14,250 --> 00:49:16,651 -You're kidding. -No. 684 00:49:16,835 --> 00:49:20,325 You never heard of Phil Rupp? Oh, he's done over 500 films. 685 00:49:21,591 --> 00:49:26,125 Hey, what exactly is Pavlov's Dog about anyway? 686 00:49:27,803 --> 00:49:32,337 Pavlov's Dog? It isn't Pavlov's Dog. It's Pavlov's-- 687 00:49:32,559 --> 00:49:35,588 --Dong. Scene 1 4, take one. 688 00:49:36,397 --> 00:49:37,848 And, action. 689 00:49:38,020 --> 00:49:42,176 That's it, Phil, you spring to life now. Good. Excellent. A little more. 690 00:49:42,359 --> 00:49:45,055 Give me some more. I want some more. Nice. 691 00:49:45,234 --> 00:49:48,515 Phil, you disappear now. The freaks are gonna jump in... 692 00:49:48,698 --> 00:49:51,897 ...and we discover the whole scene's a horrible nightmare. 693 00:49:56,286 --> 00:49:58,770 Wait. Look, Cher, if you break this contract... 694 00:49:58,957 --> 00:50:01,570 ...they'll blackball the both of us. You'll be finished. 695 00:50:01,751 --> 00:50:05,652 I don't give a goat's bobo what it says on that thing. 696 00:50:08,090 --> 00:50:11,497 I knew we shouldn't have trusted that bastard Morty. 697 00:50:11,678 --> 00:50:14,243 Maybe he didn't know what the movie was about. 698 00:50:14,429 --> 00:50:17,171 He was the executive producer! 699 00:50:17,432 --> 00:50:18,753 Yeah. 700 00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:22,683 Doesn't that contract say I can choose my own co-star? 701 00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:24,972 Yeah. So what? 702 00:50:25,438 --> 00:50:27,804 I just found my leading man. 703 00:50:27,984 --> 00:50:29,435 Men. 704 00:50:29,653 --> 00:50:32,395 What are you, frigging nuts? Siamese twins! 705 00:50:32,613 --> 00:50:35,273 -The network'll never go for that. -Exactly. 706 00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:38,308 That way they'll break the contract and not me. 707 00:50:38,494 --> 00:50:40,649 Don't-- Cher, please, don't do this. 708 00:50:40,872 --> 00:50:43,273 Hey, guys! Guys? 709 00:50:43,498 --> 00:50:48,443 I just want to say that I am really sorry for being a bitch back there... 710 00:50:48,672 --> 00:50:54,497 ...but I was in the middle of being balled out by my creepy manager... 711 00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:57,795 ...and I guess I took it out on the wrong people. 712 00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:14,972 Hi, Bob. 713 00:51:16,738 --> 00:51:18,106 Hi, May. 714 00:51:18,281 --> 00:51:20,682 Walt, what happened to your foot? 715 00:51:20,867 --> 00:51:23,896 I fell off my unicycle. 716 00:51:24,786 --> 00:51:28,358 -Easy. -I sprained it pretty bad. 717 00:51:28,581 --> 00:51:31,110 This is our friend April. 718 00:51:31,335 --> 00:51:32,820 -Hi, May. -Nice to meet you. 719 00:51:33,001 --> 00:51:36,115 -God, you're a doll. Good going. -Thanks. 720 00:51:36,295 --> 00:51:38,414 So we're all here. What's the big news? 721 00:51:38,591 --> 00:51:43,373 -Yeah, what's going on? -Okay, well, as of tomorrow... 722 00:51:43,551 --> 00:51:47,158 ...my brother, Walter L. Tenor, the thespian... 723 00:51:47,348 --> 00:51:53,092 ...will be co-starring in his very own major network television series! 724 00:51:53,313 --> 00:51:56,558 -That's incredible. -It's called Honey and the Beaze. 725 00:51:56,731 --> 00:51:59,391 Cher plays Honey, I have the role of Mack Beasley. 726 00:51:59,569 --> 00:52:02,182 -Cher Cher? -One of the nicest women. 727 00:52:02,401 --> 00:52:05,646 -As classy as they come. -You must've done a great audition! 728 00:52:05,824 --> 00:52:07,768 -He didn't even have to! -Nothing. 729 00:52:07,953 --> 00:52:12,160 We bumped into Cher on the studio lot, and she invited us out for coffee. 730 00:52:12,330 --> 00:52:15,691 Actually, yerba mat�s, which is this very soothing tea drink-- 731 00:52:15,872 --> 00:52:17,486 -Six bucks, though. -Yeah. 732 00:52:17,669 --> 00:52:22,203 She starts telling us all this personal stuff like, she's been in a relationship... 733 00:52:22,383 --> 00:52:25,582 ...for the last three years with a very high-profile actor... 734 00:52:25,759 --> 00:52:29,040 -...but they've kept it out of the press. -Who? 735 00:52:29,220 --> 00:52:31,586 How would we know? That's way too personal. 736 00:52:31,767 --> 00:52:33,922 -You didn't ask her? -No, I asked a lot. 737 00:52:34,100 --> 00:52:36,877 And she said, "That's way too personal." 738 00:52:37,103 --> 00:52:41,509 We had it going on! And I was going: 739 00:52:44,652 --> 00:52:46,719 Mikey! I haven't seen you, man. 740 00:52:46,943 --> 00:52:53,138 To Bob, my best friend, who I'm just getting to know. 741 00:52:53,494 --> 00:52:55,942 -Hello, May. -Wes! 742 00:52:57,163 --> 00:53:00,408 Oh, aren't you gonna introduce me to your best friend? 743 00:53:00,582 --> 00:53:03,989 -Hi, name's Bob Tenor. -Yeah, I know who you are. 744 00:53:04,169 --> 00:53:08,951 -You're HoldthePickle@hotmail.com. -I came up with that. 745 00:53:09,132 --> 00:53:11,661 -It's a double-entendre. -I'm sorry, Bob. 746 00:53:11,842 --> 00:53:14,666 He hacked into my computer at work and read my mail. 747 00:53:14,846 --> 00:53:16,913 Don't be pissed there, lover boy, okay? 748 00:53:17,096 --> 00:53:19,497 I think I had a right to check up on my girl. 749 00:53:19,684 --> 00:53:23,503 -I am not your girl! -Not my girlfriend, huh? 750 00:53:23,688 --> 00:53:26,851 Then what was that about up at Mulholland when you sucked-- 751 00:53:27,065 --> 00:53:30,053 Hey, hey, hey! I think we've heard enough, okay? 752 00:53:30,234 --> 00:53:31,884 Bob, let him finish. 753 00:53:32,113 --> 00:53:36,184 When you sucked down a six-pack with me and said you cared for me. 754 00:53:36,366 --> 00:53:40,437 -You-- -I said I cared for you as a co-worker. 755 00:53:40,620 --> 00:53:44,275 You have good business sense. That's all. 756 00:53:45,165 --> 00:53:49,372 Hey, Wes, why don't you go drown your sorrows somewhere else, okay? 757 00:53:50,171 --> 00:53:51,622 I have a better idea. 758 00:53:51,799 --> 00:53:55,206 You and me, why don't we step outside? Let's go. Come on. 759 00:53:55,382 --> 00:53:59,119 No, no, no, you stay out of this. This is between him and me. 760 00:53:59,929 --> 00:54:03,701 Come on, burger boy, stand up. What the hell's wrong with you two? 761 00:54:03,890 --> 00:54:07,545 -You can't fight fair? -No, Bob, do not fight him. 762 00:54:07,728 --> 00:54:09,965 He's a black belt. 763 00:54:12,565 --> 00:54:16,137 Just like I thought. You're a pussy. 764 00:54:28,373 --> 00:54:30,528 Let's not let that-- 765 00:54:32,792 --> 00:54:34,277 --ruin our night. 766 00:54:34,460 --> 00:54:38,150 -Come on, let's dance. -Oh, no, I'm a terrible dancer. I-- 767 00:54:38,341 --> 00:54:40,073 Come on. 768 00:54:40,258 --> 00:54:43,830 Walt, should you be dancing on a sprained ankle? 769 00:54:44,012 --> 00:54:48,219 Gonna take more than a sprain to keep me off this dance floor. 770 00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:55,004 You were right about your brother Walt. 771 00:54:55,188 --> 00:54:58,595 He really doesn't give you much rope, does he? 772 00:54:58,776 --> 00:55:01,305 She's not talking to you. 773 00:55:04,573 --> 00:55:07,057 The weather's been just unbelievable, isn't it? 774 00:55:07,243 --> 00:55:09,808 It's just, like, incredible. 775 00:55:09,992 --> 00:55:12,605 Because I bet back home that it's snowing still. 776 00:55:12,786 --> 00:55:15,152 Well, snow is beautiful too. 777 00:55:15,334 --> 00:55:19,106 Oh, no, no, no, snow's my favorite. I love snow. It's awesome. 778 00:55:20,921 --> 00:55:23,827 Hey, and we don't have earthquakes there, either. 779 00:55:24,007 --> 00:55:28,295 -Earthquakes scare me. -Oh, me too. They, like, freak me out. 780 00:55:28,469 --> 00:55:33,003 Hey, what's with all these maniacs who live on the cliffs, like on stilts out here? 781 00:55:33,182 --> 00:55:36,954 -These people are out of their minds. -I couldn't do that. 782 00:55:37,143 --> 00:55:40,002 My dream house would have to have a yard. 783 00:55:40,186 --> 00:55:45,050 No, you definitely have to have a yard. That way, that way we could have dogs. 784 00:55:49,696 --> 00:55:52,602 I meant, me and my wife could have dogs. 785 00:55:53,158 --> 00:55:55,102 Not you. 786 00:55:57,413 --> 00:56:00,527 Not that I have anything against you. 787 00:56:06,961 --> 00:56:10,780 Hey, May, let's go to the bathroom. 788 00:56:12,257 --> 00:56:14,037 -We'll be right back. -See you. 789 00:56:14,218 --> 00:56:16,114 How'd my right-hand man make out? 790 00:56:26,231 --> 00:56:28,891 Look, man, I don't want any trouble. 791 00:56:29,065 --> 00:56:31,678 Holy shit! 792 00:56:31,902 --> 00:56:34,679 She's cheating on you with a circus freak! 793 00:56:38,867 --> 00:56:43,320 Hey, Walt, Walt, Walt...