1
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,504
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

2
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:15,037
Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune

3
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,574
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune

4
00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:21,679
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

5
00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:25,942
It's a loverly, loverly spring

6
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:36,687
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along

7
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,024
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song

8
00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,031
Spring is the springiest time
For a song

9
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:46,535
It's a loverly, loverly spring

10
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,903
In the forest we play
with the rabbits all day...

11
00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:55,170
I'm sorry to say that this is not
the movie you will be watching.

12
00:01:55,615 --> 00:02:00,052
The movie you are about to see
is extremely unpleasant.

13
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,811
If you wish to see a film
about a happy little elf,

14
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:06,321
I'm sure there is still plenty
of seating in theater number two.

15
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:09,188
However, if you like stories
about clever

16
00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:11,590
and reasonably attractive orphans,

17
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:15,323
suspicious fires,
carnivorous leeches,

18
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,527
Italian food
and secret organizations,

19
00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:20,261
then stay

20
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,667
as I retrace each and every one

21
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,845
of the Baudelaire children's
woeful steps.

22
00:02:26,779 --> 00:02:29,509
My name is Lemony Snicket,

23
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:32,913
and it is my sad duty
to document this tale.

24
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,184
Violet Baudelaire, the eldest,

25
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:40,416
was one of the finest 14-year-old
inventors in the world.

26
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:43,628
Anyone who knew Violet well could
tell she was inventing something

27
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,866
when her long hair was tied up
in a ribbon.

28
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:51,534
In a world of abandoned items
and discarded materials,

29
00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:54,763
Violet knew there
was always something.

30
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,336
Something she could fashion
into nearly any device

31
00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,910
for nearly every occasion.

32
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:03,913
And no one was better
to test her inventions

33
00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:05,877
than her brother.

34
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:12,119
Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child,
loved books.

35
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,020
Or, rather, the things he learned
from books.

36
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:18,786
The Baudelaire parents had
an enormous library in their mansion.

37
00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:23,467
A room filled with thousands
of books on nearly every subject.

38
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,499
And nothing pleased Klaus more

39
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:30,471
than spending an afternoon filling up
his head with their contents.

40
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:33,371
And everything he read
he remembered.

41
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:45,053
Sunny, the youngest,
had a different interest.

42
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:49,251
She liked to bite things
and had four sharp teeth.

43
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,561
There was very little that Sunny
did not enjoy biting.

44
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,075
Sunny was at an age when one
mostly speaks

45
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,804
in a series of unintelligible shrieks.

46
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,549
For instance:

47
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,381
Which probably meant,

48
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:16,318
"Look at that mysterious figure
emerging from the fog."

49
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,652
Or perhaps,

50
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:20,985
"What is a banker like Mr. Poe doing

51
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:25,163
trudging thorough the sand
to find us at Briny Beach?"

52
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,434
Children,

53
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:35,506
I'm afraid I must inform you
of an extremely unfortunate event.

54
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:40,137
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire

55
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,337
that's destroyed your entire home.

56
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:46,012
If you have ever lost someone
very important to you,

57
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,514
then you already know how it feels.

58
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,052
And if you haven't,

59
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,688
you cannot possibly imagine it.

60
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:05,569
No one knows the precise cause
of the Baudelaire fire.

61
00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,466
My colleagues and I
have investigated the best we can.

62
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,438
But all we've discovered
is that the blaze

63
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,702
was started from a great distance

64
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,879
through the refraction
and convergence of light.

65
00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:20,312
And within moments,
the entire mansion was in flames.

66
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,411
And as mysterious as the source
of the blaze,

67
00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:55,485
other mysteries began to unfold
before the children's eyes.

68
00:05:56,055 --> 00:06:00,151
Every family has its secrets,
doors left unopened.

69
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,357
But as Klaus now realized,

70
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:06,589
the smallest discovery would send
his mind reeling with questions.

71
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,135
What was this spyglass hidden
in his father's desk?

72
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,329
Were there other secrets about their
parents' lives yet to be revealed?

73
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,438
Questions he now feared
might never be answered.

74
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,271
And just like that,

75
00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:24,605
the Baudelaire children
became the Baudelaire orphans.

76
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,152
I tried to warn you.

77
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,628
This is an excellent opportunity
to walk out of the theater,

78
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:44,200
living room or airplane
where this film is being shown.

79
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:48,905
It's not too late to see a film
about a happy little elf.

80
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,969
Yes. Come with me.

81
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,313
Now, as chief officer
of Mulctuary Management

82
00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:00,315
and the executor of
your parents' estate,

83
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,978
it is my legal obligation to take care
of your money till you come of age

84
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:07,159
and to place you in the care
of your closest relative.

85
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:10,157
So I'm taking you to live
with your dear Count Olaf,

86
00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:13,729
Who resides right here in the city,
just 37 blocks away.

87
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,501
I don't think that's what "closest"
is supposed to mean.

88
00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:18,363
We don't know a Count Olaf.

89
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:19,868
Yes, yes, of course you do.

90
00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:21,835
He's either your third cousin
four times removed

91
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,565
or your fourth cousin
three times removed.

92
00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:28,839
And he's an actor by trade.
Isn't that exciting, children?

93
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,244
You should count yourselves
lucky, children.

94
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,784
This sort of generosity is rare
in a person of his profession.

95
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,062
Here we are, your new home.

96
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,022
Isn't it lovely, children?

97
00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:50,365
Oh, hello.

98
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,764
You must be the Baudelaires.

99
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,200
Hi.

100
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,534
I was so sorry to hear
about the accident,

101
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:59,040
but so happy to hear
you were coming here.

102
00:07:59,278 --> 00:08:01,542
Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss
of the city high court.

103
00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:05,376
I'm Violet. And this is my brother,
Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

104
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,745
Poe, Mulctuary Management.
How do you do?

105
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:08,921
Lovely.

106
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,222
Your house is so beautiful.

107
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:12,549
Thank you.

108
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:15,818
Please don't be strangers.
You come visit me anytime you like.

109
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:18,962
- Visit?
- You mean,

110
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,462
you don't live with Count Olaf?

111
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,468
Live with...? With Count Olaf? No.

112
00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:27,466
No, no, no, no. He's...
He's my neighbor.

113
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:19,014
Entrood.

114
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:30,393
Haven't got all day. In you go.

115
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:39,505
Well, hello, hello, hello.

116
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:43,978
I am your beloved Count Olaf.

117
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:49,653
And welcome to my loverly home.

118
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:54,586
May you find solace within
the womblike warmth of its...

119
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,890
...downy plume.

120
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:02,695
Or as the Greeks
in the ancient times would say...

121
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,592
Orphanis...

122
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,929
...encribo...

123
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,772
...something, something, something.

124
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:14,604
Music builds to a crescendo
Ending on the right foot

125
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:16,679
And strike a Fosse.

126
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:23,050
Not exactly what I was going for,
but you get the idea.

127
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:35,193
My dear...

128
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,403
...Violet.

129
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,636
Enchant�.

130
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:46,769
How do you do?

131
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,941
And this must be Klaus.

132
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:53,209
Young Klaus.

133
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,622
Your left side is the good one.

134
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,388
And...

135
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,626
...What is this?

136
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:09,597
I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.

137
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,227
Banana.

138
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:14,996
Sunny's our sister.

139
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:20,109
I must say, you're a gloomy-looking
bunch. Why so glum?

140
00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:23,144
Our parents just died.

141
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:27,148
Oh, yes, of course.
How very, very awful.

142
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,851
Wait, let me do that one more time.

143
00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,148
Give me the line again.
Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.

144
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,754
Our parents just...

145
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,162
...died?

146
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,863
Oh, yes.

147
00:11:44,136 --> 00:11:45,865
Mr. Poe...

148
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:50,265
...I will raise these orphans

149
00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:53,967
as if they were actually wanted.

150
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,774
And though you would call it
a burden, a sacrifice,

151
00:11:57,983 --> 00:11:59,951
you are mistaken, sir.

152
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,119
And should be ashamed of yourself.

153
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:03,788
The idea.

154
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:11,021
Anyway, where do I sign
for the fortu...? I mean...

155
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,826
...children.

156
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:18,367
You won't officially have guardianship
until the hearing on Thursday morning.

157
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:21,470
And what am I to do with them
until then?

158
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:22,808
Excuse me?

159
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:24,801
What I mean is...

160
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:28,468
Do you work out? You look good.
Healthy, I mean.

161
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:32,083
Well, I'd better get back to the bank.

162
00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:35,481
Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?

163
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:38,156
A glass of port? Sanka?

164
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,257
- Well, I suppose I could...
- Another time, then.

165
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,221
Children, if you need anything,
do feel free...

166
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,986
Oh, no, we're fine. We're all fine.

167
00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,663
Any questions be...

168
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,837
I realize that my humble abode

169
00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:56,371
isn't as fancy
as the Baudelaire mansion,

170
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:59,837
but I'm coming into a great deal
of money soon,

171
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:01,944
and I think it'll be

172
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:05,049
quite charming when it's finished.

173
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,946
Shall we take a look?

174
00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:14,025
This is the living room.

175
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,389
The kitchen.
I know what you're thinking:

176
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,028
"This place could use a little TLC."

177
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:24,703
I trust you've had your tetanus shots.
Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

178
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:27,099
This is the entertainment
or rumpus room.

179
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,806
I'm told the ceiling can be brought
up to code in no time.

180
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:32,068
You're not afraid of heights, are you?

181
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,739
Imagine that.
A monkey afraid of heights.

182
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,806
My theater.

183
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,713
This way.

184
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,482
What's that up there?

185
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:51,062
The tower...

186
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,330
...Which you are never to enter...

187
00:13:57,636 --> 00:14:00,503
...under any circumstances.

188
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,076
And this is where you'll sleep,
time permitting. Nighty-night.

189
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:13,979
- But the sun's still up.
- "But the sun's still up."

190
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:16,115
I don't know
if you've ever noticed this,

191
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:19,916
but first impressions
are often entirely wrong.

192
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:25,120
For instance, Klaus, when Sunny
was born, didn't like her at all.

193
00:14:25,731 --> 00:14:29,599
But by the time she was six weeks old,
the two of them were thick as thieves.

194
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:35,171
A phrase which here means,
"fetching and biting for hours on end."

195
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,168
In the case of Count Olaf, however...

196
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:40,104
Orphans!

197
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,104
...they were correct.

198
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:45,813
Every morning, Count Olaf
would order the Baudelaires

199
00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:48,816
to do a great number
of terrible chores.

200
00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:52,980
After which he would stalk off
to his mysterious tower room.

201
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:04,097
And as unfortunate
as their situation seemed,

202
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:06,168
it was only about to get worse.

203
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:07,999
Tub full of ice in Baja,

204
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:10,869
and I realized that these clever girls
had stolen my kidney.

205
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:12,509
- No!
- No!

206
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:15,612
Imagine my surprise.

207
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:19,851
Orphans, this is my acting troupe.

208
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,110
Acting troupe, orphans.

209
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,719
They don't look rich.

210
00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:27,552
Ugly little people.

211
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:35,199
Why aren't you children in the kitchen
preparing our dinner?

212
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:36,859
Dinner?

213
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,593
It's the French word
for the evening meal.

214
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:46,066
On the back. Flip it.

215
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,882
We'll take it in the dining room
at 8:00.

216
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,551
And we'll expect absolute silence
while we're rehearsing our play.

217
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,778
- But we've never made dinner before.
- It's already 7:30.

218
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:57,956
Eight o'clock!

219
00:16:16,842 --> 00:16:18,605
Pasta it is.

220
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,577
Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.

221
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,114
Now,

222
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:28,950
Who shall play

223
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:32,780
the most handsome count
in all the world?

224
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:39,964
Would you do it, sir?

225
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:42,160
Oh, all right.

226
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:45,995
"Pasta puttanesca." That's Italian
for "very few ingredients," you know.

227
00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:47,499
That's great.

228
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,035
Sunny. Little help.

229
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:54,209
- Okay, we're gonna need a pot.
- No pot.

230
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,973
- And a strainer.
- No strainer.

231
00:16:58,417 --> 00:16:59,406
Thank you.

232
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:02,847
And a saucepan.

233
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:07,047
This is a little piece I like to call
"Electric Chair."

234
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:15,558
I think you might have to turn it up.

235
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,163
Is anybody out there?!

236
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,634
Strainer. That's brilliant.

237
00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:25,139
Sunny, how's that pot coming?

238
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:33,650
Sunny, that's not a pot.
It's a spittoon.

239
00:17:33,919 --> 00:17:36,410
A spittoon? You mean, like...?

240
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:39,316
We'll wash it twice.

241
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:43,720
Well?

242
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,894
It's good. It's really good.

243
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,098
Time check.

244
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:50,395
Let's go back to prehistoric times,

245
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,933
When dinosaurs ruled the earth.

246
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:10,244
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

247
00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,424
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

248
00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:25,994
What do you want?

249
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,537
Dinner is served.

250
00:18:31,977 --> 00:18:33,069
Puttanesca.

251
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,776
What did you call me?

252
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,408
It's pasta. Pasta puttanesca.

253
00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:40,379
Where's the roast beef?

254
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,644
Roast beef?

255
00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:44,783
Beef. Yes. Roast beef.

256
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,923
It's the Swedish term for beef
that is roasted.

257
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:53,158
But you didn't tell us
you wanted roast beef.

258
00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:02,472
You know, there's a big world out there
filled with desperate orphans

259
00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:05,234
Who would gladly swim across
an ocean of thumbtacks

260
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:10,643
just to be eclipsed by the long shadow
that is cast by my accomplishments.

261
00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,084
But I don't care about them.

262
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,415
I chose to open my heart

263
00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:20,154
to you two loverly children

264
00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:22,585
and your hideous primate.

265
00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:26,252
All I ask in return is that you do each
and every thing that pops into my head

266
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:30,595
While I enjoy the enormous fortune
your parents left behind.

267
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,469
- No.
- Why, you litt...

268
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:53,017
It's time you children learned
a little respect.

269
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,350
You put her down!

270
00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:58,722
You monster!

271
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:04,297
You all saw it. The boy slipped.

272
00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:06,994
You won't get a cent
until Violet turns 18.

273
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,470
Oh, really?

274
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:10,975
Says who?

275
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,700
The law. Look it up.

276
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:15,311
We're going to call Mr. Poe
about this right now.

277
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:24,719
Are you?

278
00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:30,154
I'm very disappointed
in you, children.

279
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,266
Where were we?

280
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,333
Are you okay?

281
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,003
No.

282
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:44,005
Klaus, what are you doing?

283
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:46,267
- I'm going.
- Going where?

284
00:20:46,478 --> 00:20:47,740
Home.

285
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,339
This is our home now.

286
00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,447
This is not home.

287
00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:57,548
Home is where your parents
put you to bed at night.

288
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,256
Where they teach you to ride a bike.

289
00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:02,686
Or where they get all choked up
on your first day of school.

290
00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:05,260
This is not home.

291
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:10,866
How could they do this to us?

292
00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:12,195
They're just bad people.

293
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,830
Not them. Mom and Dad.

294
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,632
- Klaus!
- What?

295
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,868
Violet, you're thinking it too.
How could they?

296
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:21,772
They had no plan for us at all?

297
00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:24,141
Well, maybe they did have a plan.

298
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,907
Well, sure looks like it to me.

299
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,820
Do you remember
when Mom and Dad went to Europe?

300
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:41,993
And we thought they'd abandoned us
because they didn't even write.

301
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,895
Then we found out they'd written
a long letter.

302
00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:45,433
It had just gotten lost in the mail.

303
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:49,129
Do you remember how guilty we felt
for thinking bad thoughts about them?

304
00:21:50,676 --> 00:21:51,836
This is just like that.

305
00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:54,410
No, it's not.

306
00:21:55,347 --> 00:21:56,575
Why?

307
00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:02,809
Because they're not in Europe.
They're not coming back.

308
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:14,159
Do you think anything
will ever feel like home again?

309
00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:29,203
"Sanctuary"

310
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:34,816
is a word which here means, "a small,
safe place in a troubling world."

311
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:41,049
Like an oasis in a vast desert
or an island in a stormy sea.

312
00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:44,057
The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening
in the sanctuary they'd built together.

313
00:22:44,262 --> 00:22:45,229
I see it. I see it.

314
00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:49,799
But in their hearts they knew that
the troubling world lay just outside.

315
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:53,869
A world which, I'm sad to say,
can be described in two dismal words.

316
00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,003
Custody granted.

317
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:02,506
Thank you, Your Honor.
Nice doing business with you.

318
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:14,014
Children, I've been contemplating
our situation,

319
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:19,425
and I realize that I've been
a bit standoffish, shall we say.

320
00:23:19,698 --> 00:23:22,030
Which in this case is a big,
big word meaning...

321
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:23,565
Pure evil.

322
00:23:23,802 --> 00:23:26,327
Tough, but fair.

323
00:23:26,872 --> 00:23:29,568
But now that we're family,
I can make it up to you.

324
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:32,938
I can be the ultimate dad.

325
00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:35,610
I know. Let's stop for a treat.

326
00:23:40,318 --> 00:23:41,910
Soda. Soda. Banana.

327
00:23:44,322 --> 00:23:45,516
Got it.

328
00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:09,203
Violet, where'd the locks go?

329
00:24:16,755 --> 00:24:20,486
Hello. I'm going on a perfectly
innocent ride in the country

330
00:24:20,692 --> 00:24:22,990
With my kids, whom I love.

331
00:24:23,261 --> 00:24:24,888
Is that clock correct?

332
00:24:31,036 --> 00:24:32,628
What is it?

333
00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:35,732
I think it's a schedule.

334
00:24:56,228 --> 00:25:00,858
Kiwi watermelon Surprise. My favorite.

335
00:25:11,977 --> 00:25:13,103
Go!

336
00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:21,445
- He took the keys.
- Try everything.

337
00:25:29,828 --> 00:25:33,286
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing...

338
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:37,801
Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.

339
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,971
I'm calling you back about
that inheritance question you raised.

340
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:42,969
- Mr. Poe, thank goodness.
- Who is this?

341
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:45,142
It's Violet Baudelaire.
We're in Count Olaf's car.

342
00:25:45,343 --> 00:25:47,140
Oh, hello, Violet.
Well, where's Count Olaf?

343
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:48,471
He's not here right now, but...

344
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,647
You're driving the car alone?

345
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,646
No. We're... The car's on the train
tracks, and the train is coming.

346
00:25:53,852 --> 00:25:58,312
I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing.
I'm driving next to a train!

347
00:25:58,557 --> 00:26:00,821
We're going to be hit by a train.

348
00:26:01,026 --> 00:26:04,484
Right. Yes. I can't hear
because of the train!

349
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,994
I'll call you back when I get
to the bank! Goodbye!

350
00:26:13,705 --> 00:26:18,335
Klaus, you've read books on trains.
What do we do?

351
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,380
The track switcher.

352
00:26:26,651 --> 00:26:27,845
There!

353
00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:32,682
It's too far away.

354
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:35,792
No. There has to be something
we can use to pull it.

355
00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,963
- There's nothing in here.
- There's always something.

356
00:26:40,899 --> 00:26:42,799
Sunny, bite the head off that elf.

357
00:27:18,003 --> 00:27:19,129
Quick, pull it back in.

358
00:27:25,744 --> 00:27:27,644
- Violet.
- I got it.

359
00:27:27,946 --> 00:27:29,573
I don't mean to rush you.

360
00:27:35,787 --> 00:27:37,482
- Nice shot.
- Thank you. Pull.

361
00:28:38,783 --> 00:28:43,652
Mr. Poe. Dear Mr. Poe. Can't we
discuss this like reasonable men?

362
00:28:43,855 --> 00:28:45,254
I'm sorry, Count Olaf.

363
00:28:45,457 --> 00:28:47,448
Allowing a child of Sunny's age
to drive a car

364
00:28:47,659 --> 00:28:48,751
is simply not good parenting.

365
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:49,984
He tried to kill us.

366
00:28:50,195 --> 00:28:53,494
Let us not exaggerate, Klaus.
The vehicle was not even in gear.

367
00:28:54,299 --> 00:28:58,998
May I have a moment
alone with the children?

368
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,107
Goodbye, kids.

369
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,268
It's been fun.

370
00:29:07,545 --> 00:29:09,308
I'm going to get you.
No matter where you go,

371
00:29:09,514 --> 00:29:12,540
no matter what you do, I'll find you.

372
00:29:12,951 --> 00:29:15,579
You are so deceased.

373
00:29:20,892 --> 00:29:22,621
Take them, Mr. Poe...

374
00:29:23,995 --> 00:29:26,293
...before I lose it, bigtime.

375
00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:29,126
Trumping a talentless villain

376
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,563
might seem all in a day's work
for three ingenious orphans.

377
00:29:32,971 --> 00:29:35,235
But the Baudelaires
savored their victory

378
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,068
as they sped
towards their new home.

379
00:29:38,309 --> 00:29:40,539
What lay ahead for them
was unclear,

380
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,974
but they remained
cautiously optimistic

381
00:29:43,181 --> 00:29:46,207
that their next guardian would be
better than the last.

382
00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:50,148
Or at least wouldn't try
to flatten them with a train.

383
00:29:56,594 --> 00:29:59,722
Do you know
what kind of scientist he is?

384
00:29:59,931 --> 00:30:02,491
No, I don't. I was far too busy
making arrangements for you three.

385
00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:03,894
I didn't have time for chitchat.

386
00:30:04,169 --> 00:30:05,397
Hello!

387
00:30:06,104 --> 00:30:09,972
Oh, my goodness.

388
00:30:10,208 --> 00:30:13,075
Look at you. You must be Violet.

389
00:30:13,278 --> 00:30:15,473
Do you remember me?
I don't suppose so.

390
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,739
You were just a little baby
at the time.

391
00:30:18,016 --> 00:30:21,247
And, Klaus, we've never met.
How do you d...?

392
00:30:21,886 --> 00:30:25,083
What a firm grip.
Like a Burmese python.

393
00:30:25,356 --> 00:30:30,658
And Sunny. Little Sunny. You look
so much like your dear mother.

394
00:30:31,129 --> 00:30:34,621
Thank you very much, Mr. Poe.
I'll take it from here.

395
00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:37,097
Oh, perhaps I should come inside.

396
00:30:37,302 --> 00:30:38,792
Oh, by all means.

397
00:30:39,637 --> 00:30:41,400
You could help us pick out
the gut worms

398
00:30:41,606 --> 00:30:43,437
from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.

399
00:30:44,075 --> 00:30:47,101
Children, remember,
if you need me anytime,

400
00:30:47,312 --> 00:30:50,770
you can reach me by phone or fax.

401
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,175
Good day.

402
00:30:56,154 --> 00:30:58,145
Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?

403
00:30:58,389 --> 00:31:01,654
Come in. Come in. There's not
much time, and we have to pack.

404
00:31:02,827 --> 00:31:04,021
Pack?

405
00:31:06,464 --> 00:31:07,522
Did you say "pack"?

406
00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:10,997
Oh, yes. We have to pack
all the equipment.

407
00:31:11,402 --> 00:31:13,836
Then there's the essentials,
like clothing and such.

408
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,506
And we have to tag all of the snakes
who are coming with us.

409
00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:17,834
Coming where?

410
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:20,169
Oh, did I mention we're going
to Peru?

411
00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,710
- No.
- Yes, we're going to Peru.

412
00:31:22,914 --> 00:31:26,179
Tomorrow morning.
Isn't that exciting?

413
00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:27,851
This way to the Reptile Room.

414
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:33,524
Welcome to my humble abode.

415
00:31:33,925 --> 00:31:36,519
You children know anything
about snakes?

416
00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:38,855
Only what I've read in books.

417
00:31:39,264 --> 00:31:41,027
No, not very much.

418
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:45,794
Well, we may have one or two things
here that aren't in books.

419
00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:51,534
I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and
introduce you to a few of me friends.

420
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,877
Over here...

421
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:55,375
That's the two-headed cobra.

422
00:31:55,580 --> 00:31:57,548
Well spotted.

423
00:31:57,749 --> 00:31:59,216
Is that a he or a she?

424
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:02,052
I have no idea.
Didn't think it polite to ask.

425
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:06,216
And over here,
the Tibetan Third-Eye Toad.

426
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,791
We can't stop this fellow chanting.
Om. Ribbit.

427
00:32:10,194 --> 00:32:14,062
And now, children, you have
to see my latest discovery.

428
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:19,066
Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.
The Incredibly Deadly Viper.

429
00:32:19,704 --> 00:32:24,334
My assistant, Gustav, and I may be
the only people ever to have seen him.

430
00:32:51,002 --> 00:32:54,494
Oh, I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.

431
00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:56,707
Let me just adjust it here.

432
00:32:58,476 --> 00:32:59,443
Right.

433
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,668
There we are.

434
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,105
Now,

435
00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:03,974
where was I?

436
00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:06,944
Oh, yes. The attack
of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

437
00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:11,314
Not to worry, little one.
You're all right.

438
00:33:11,522 --> 00:33:14,184
It can't possibly harm you.
Here we go.

439
00:33:14,559 --> 00:33:17,687
The Incredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have possibly harmed her?

440
00:33:17,929 --> 00:33:19,658
No. No, no, no, no.

441
00:33:21,699 --> 00:33:23,223
It's a big softy.

442
00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:26,025
One of the least harmful
and most friendly creatures

443
00:33:26,237 --> 00:33:27,499
in the animal kingdom.

444
00:33:27,705 --> 00:33:28,865
It's a misnomer.

445
00:33:29,073 --> 00:33:32,406
I only called him that to play a prank
on those stuffed shirts

446
00:33:32,610 --> 00:33:34,635
down at the Herpetological Society.

447
00:33:34,879 --> 00:33:37,643
Uncle Monty,
why are we going to Peru?

448
00:33:38,082 --> 00:33:39,879
Just this morning I was wondering,

449
00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:42,348
"How are we all going to get
out of town together?"

450
00:33:42,553 --> 00:33:46,011
And I thought, "Peru."
They have snakes in Peru, don't they?

451
00:33:46,224 --> 00:33:48,749
But why are we getting out of town?

452
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:54,320
Violet, do you know snakes are more
afraid of you than you are of them?

453
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,190
Few people do.

454
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,561
When threatened,
a snake will retreat to a place

455
00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:04,003
that is quiet, safe, remote.

456
00:34:05,109 --> 00:34:10,172
A sanctuary.
Where it can feel out of danger.

457
00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:13,744
That's why Peru.

458
00:34:18,089 --> 00:34:20,523
Wait, that spyglass.
I saw one just like that in our dad's...

459
00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:22,522
Plenty of time for chitchat later.

460
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,524
But right now, what I need
is an inventor,

461
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:27,061
a reader

462
00:34:27,265 --> 00:34:28,892
and a biter.

463
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,226
Know any?

464
00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:42,269
High upon Highlands
And low upon Tay

465
00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:48,780
Bonnie George Campbell
Rode out on a day

466
00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:54,782
Saddled and bridled
So gallant rode he

467
00:34:55,593 --> 00:35:00,587
Home came his good horse
But never came he

468
00:35:02,967 --> 00:35:06,596
Petunia, what have I told you
about this?

469
00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:09,102
She thinks I'm a tree, you know.

470
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:14,742
I think I know that song. I think... I think
our parents used to play it for us.

471
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:18,074
They certainly did. As I did for mine.

472
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:20,773
- You had children?
- Oh, yes.

473
00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:23,784
And a wife and a home.

474
00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:26,616
Until the fire.

475
00:35:28,025 --> 00:35:29,322
A fire?

476
00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:33,821
I may know better than anyone
what you're going through.

477
00:35:35,333 --> 00:35:36,925
But it's gonna be all right.

478
00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:41,962
We'll be among people who
understand us. People who are like us.

479
00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:44,634
People who appreciate
unique children

480
00:35:44,842 --> 00:35:50,144
Who can read and invent
and bite things.

481
00:35:52,517 --> 00:35:55,645
Uncle Monty, why are you doing
all this for us?

482
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,482
Isn't that what family does?

483
00:36:00,358 --> 00:36:03,816
"And so the Baudelaire children
went to Peru

484
00:36:04,028 --> 00:36:05,757
and together had
wonderful adventures

485
00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:09,330
with their loving
and wonderful new guardian.

486
00:36:10,001 --> 00:36:11,992
The end."

487
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,500
These are the words
I desperately wish I could type.

488
00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:21,141
Oh, I would give anything
to say that the story ends here.

489
00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,007
But alas, my mission is
not to weave happy endings

490
00:36:24,215 --> 00:36:27,514
where they do not occur
but to report the actual events

491
00:36:27,718 --> 00:36:30,881
in the lives of the unfortunate
Baudelaire children.

492
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:33,687
And as much as it pains me,

493
00:36:33,891 --> 00:36:37,691
I must confess that their troubles
had only just begun.

494
00:36:37,929 --> 00:36:40,989
And it did so with two musical notes.

495
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,542
Hello.

496
00:36:57,748 --> 00:37:02,412
I am looking
for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.

497
00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:07,714
I am Stephano. I am an Italian man,

498
00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:13,361
and I am here to assist him
in his research as best I can.

499
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:17,694
As well as to facilitate
and remain observatory.

500
00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:19,392
You're Count Olaf.

501
00:37:24,642 --> 00:37:28,043
Now, why would you say
something like that?

502
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:32,276
I have never met such a person
as a Count Olaf,

503
00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:34,915
but if I had,

504
00:37:35,119 --> 00:37:39,715
I'm sure he would look and sound
completely different.

505
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,252
You're Olaf,
and we're not letting you in.

506
00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:52,929
Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate
your hypothesis.

507
00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:57,597
Anyway, that's why you should
never run with one of these, kids.

508
00:37:57,842 --> 00:38:00,470
Words of wisdom indeed,
Mr. Stephano.

509
00:38:00,678 --> 00:38:03,272
Oops, you caught me being
a mentor.

510
00:38:03,514 --> 00:38:06,483
And bless you for coming
at such short notice.

511
00:38:06,717 --> 00:38:08,309
Not at all, not at all.

512
00:38:08,552 --> 00:38:12,420
My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick
and phoned not one hour ago.

513
00:38:12,623 --> 00:38:15,091
He'd give anything
to be here right now.

514
00:38:18,696 --> 00:38:20,596
Thank goodness you were available.

515
00:38:20,865 --> 00:38:25,768
Well, I am a fan, if I may gush.

516
00:38:26,037 --> 00:38:29,268
Your work has profoundly influenced
my research

517
00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:32,601
up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium...

518
00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:35,609
...on the sea snake.

519
00:38:36,213 --> 00:38:38,773
It's a very volatile animal.

520
00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:44,352
- Perhaps we should...
- I've been bitten 43... 700 times.

521
00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:46,356
Mostly on the face.

522
00:38:46,557 --> 00:38:49,526
A lot of this has been reconstructed.

523
00:38:49,827 --> 00:38:51,294
But I think they did one heck of a job,

524
00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:54,794
even though my mustache
is a tad askew.

525
00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:01,460
I wonder if I could get the kids
to help me in with my bags.

526
00:39:01,739 --> 00:39:04,799
My left side is somewhat
neurologically challenged.

527
00:39:05,076 --> 00:39:06,703
- But of course. Children...
- Uncle Monty...

528
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:11,141
Please. Let us not be rude
to our guest.

529
00:39:11,415 --> 00:39:12,643
Now, go on.

530
00:39:13,918 --> 00:39:15,317
What's he up to?

531
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,508
I don't know.

532
00:39:16,754 --> 00:39:21,157
There is no good moment, of course,
for a notorious villain to arrive.

533
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,327
But the timing
of Olaf's reappearance,

534
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:26,985
just when Dr. Montgomery's secret
could be revealed to the children,

535
00:39:27,231 --> 00:39:29,893
was almost more
than Klaus could bear.

536
00:39:30,134 --> 00:39:31,431
Violet, listen to me.

537
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:35,168
Monty's spyglass. I saw
the exact same one in Dad's desk.

538
00:39:35,973 --> 00:39:38,908
- Klaus, it's just a coincidence.
- Violet, no.

539
00:39:39,110 --> 00:39:41,010
Everything happens for a reason.

540
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:44,511
Now, the children will be helping us
extensively with the research in Peru.

541
00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:46,182
Do you have experience
with children?

542
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:49,683
Children are strange
and foreign to me.

543
00:39:50,621 --> 00:39:52,020
I never really was one.

544
00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:55,590
I know that they are
an important part of the ecosystem.

545
00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:57,793
He's never gonna let us alone
with Monty.

546
00:39:57,995 --> 00:39:59,428
We've gotta get a message to him.

547
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:01,530
Leave that to me.

548
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,030
I was feeding the moray,

549
00:40:05,469 --> 00:40:09,200
and of course, I got cocky.

550
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:13,275
And that's all it takes.
That's all it takes, is one time.

551
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:17,206
Just once.

552
00:40:17,481 --> 00:40:20,211
I had the kipper in my mouth,
and I offered it.

553
00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:23,976
And there was a team from
National Geographic that were there.

554
00:40:24,188 --> 00:40:25,553
They were filming the whole thing.

555
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:29,283
And, well, a lot of people don't
know this about the moray,

556
00:40:29,493 --> 00:40:32,223
but you think, you know, "This can't be
a tremendously strong animal."

557
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,728
I mean, sure, it has a certain amount
of strength,

558
00:40:34,932 --> 00:40:38,265
but how does it pull a man's face
into a cave?

559
00:40:38,769 --> 00:40:40,930
Anyway, long story short,

560
00:40:41,172 --> 00:40:43,470
the bends,
a reconstructive surgery...

561
00:40:43,674 --> 00:40:48,805
But yes, from my understanding,
Peru is a wonderful place.

562
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,978
The beaches. The people.

563
00:40:51,215 --> 00:40:52,409
The relaxed guardianship laws.

564
00:40:53,851 --> 00:40:55,751
Relaxed guardianship laws?

565
00:40:57,488 --> 00:40:58,955
Did I say that?

566
00:41:00,558 --> 00:41:01,923
Darn neurotoxins.

567
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:06,662
Oh, Stephano, you have
a wonderful gift for storytelling.

568
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:09,660
- Doesn't he, children?
- Oh, yeah.

569
00:41:09,867 --> 00:41:12,927
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
milking Petunia for me.

570
00:41:13,137 --> 00:41:18,439
Petunia. Well, the milking...
Now, see, what I was...

571
00:41:18,642 --> 00:41:19,836
Could I just...?

572
00:41:20,044 --> 00:41:22,945
Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.

573
00:41:23,380 --> 00:41:27,009
Now, they used to call me Old
MacDonald up at the milking lab there,

574
00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:29,152
because I'd milk these things
all day long.

575
00:41:29,420 --> 00:41:33,151
But the little udders
are hard to locate.

576
00:41:34,692 --> 00:41:37,684
Anyway, why don't you take that

577
00:41:37,928 --> 00:41:40,692
and go ahead and start the party
without me, and then...

578
00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:45,992
I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.
I'll take a gander.

579
00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:58,812
Is he still watching?

580
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,310
Yes.

581
00:42:01,785 --> 00:42:03,776
Don't look at me.
Pretend you're talking to Klaus.

582
00:42:03,988 --> 00:42:05,819
Okay.

583
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:09,322
I got your message.
Don't worry. I know.

584
00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,495
- You do?
- Yes.

585
00:42:11,695 --> 00:42:14,664
A moray eel would never eat kippers.
Far too salty.

586
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:17,364
And did you see the way he kept
glancing into my satchel,

587
00:42:17,568 --> 00:42:19,695
Where I keep
the exotic snake venoms?

588
00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:23,939
You children were right.
Stephano is an imposter.

589
00:42:24,141 --> 00:42:25,108
Yes.

590
00:42:25,309 --> 00:42:27,038
He's a spy from
the Herpetological Society.

591
00:42:27,244 --> 00:42:29,439
He's here to steal
the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

592
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:30,647
- No.
- No. Uncle Monty...

593
00:42:33,117 --> 00:42:38,419
Darn. All finished. I was
so looking forward to the milking.

594
00:42:39,290 --> 00:42:41,656
Isn't it about time you kids
went to bed?

595
00:42:41,859 --> 00:42:45,818
Absolutely.
Early start tomorrow, children.

596
00:42:46,030 --> 00:42:47,258
Off you go.

597
00:42:48,198 --> 00:42:49,358
Good night.

598
00:42:54,805 --> 00:42:58,434
Oh, and if you kids should get
restless during the night,

599
00:42:58,709 --> 00:43:02,440
I'm right down the hall,
and I'm a very light sleeper.

600
00:43:02,713 --> 00:43:07,116
In fact, I hardly sleep at all.

601
00:43:19,163 --> 00:43:21,290
Do you have a hall pass?

602
00:43:24,902 --> 00:43:26,802
I didn't think so.

603
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:31,473
Oh, Petunia, I'm going to miss you.

604
00:43:32,743 --> 00:43:35,803
You're such a good girl, aren't you?

605
00:43:36,747 --> 00:43:38,374
Such a pretty girl.

606
00:43:38,916 --> 00:43:42,215
You are. Yes, you are.

607
00:43:44,254 --> 00:43:46,882
Oh, yes, you are.

608
00:43:48,258 --> 00:43:51,159
It is a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.

609
00:43:53,430 --> 00:43:54,988
Uncle Monty?

610
00:43:55,199 --> 00:43:58,168
It's like walking up the stairs
to your bedroom in the dark

611
00:43:58,369 --> 00:44:01,702
and thinking that there's
one more stair than there is.

612
00:44:02,373 --> 00:44:04,534
Your foot falls down through the air,

613
00:44:04,742 --> 00:44:07,905
and there's a sickly moment
of dark surprise.

614
00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:11,069
Uncle Monty?

615
00:44:16,787 --> 00:44:19,347
The children's grief
was not only for their uncle

616
00:44:19,590 --> 00:44:23,117
but for that tender hope that they
may have found home again.

617
00:44:23,394 --> 00:44:26,522
A hope which, thanks to a villainous
actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

618
00:44:32,803 --> 00:44:35,601
I do feel somewhat responsible
for this tragedy.

619
00:44:35,806 --> 00:44:39,037
I should've taken it upon myself
to warn him

620
00:44:39,276 --> 00:44:40,800
that the Incredibly Deadly Viper

621
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:44,037
is the most deadly snake
in the entire ecosystem.

622
00:44:44,248 --> 00:44:47,217
I should know. I discovered it.

623
00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:48,783
You what?

624
00:44:49,019 --> 00:44:50,281
Detective?

625
00:44:51,155 --> 00:44:55,114
Little girl, the big cage door is open,
no snake. Dead guy.

626
00:44:55,325 --> 00:44:56,553
You know what I'm thinking?

627
00:44:56,760 --> 00:44:59,593
I'm thinking, "Who woke me up
at 9 in the morning for this?"

628
00:45:00,297 --> 00:45:03,095
It's definitely a snake bite.
There's no question about it.

629
00:45:03,300 --> 00:45:05,097
Snake bite, no question about it.
Thanks, doc.

630
00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:08,236
You don't understand, the Incredibly
Deadly Viper couldn't have killed him,

631
00:45:08,439 --> 00:45:10,930
because it's one of the least dangerous
and most friendly creatures

632
00:45:11,141 --> 00:45:12,335
in the animal kingdom.

633
00:45:12,609 --> 00:45:14,304
You mind if I skip the paperwork
on this?

634
00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:18,945
I think that'd be best. These kids
have been through a major upheaval.

635
00:45:19,516 --> 00:45:22,974
I wonder if it's a good idea, even,
to change their plans at this point.

636
00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:25,949
We were headed for Peru tomorrow,

637
00:45:26,156 --> 00:45:28,522
- and the tickets are nonrefundable.
- No.

638
00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:29,715
Doc, what do you think?

639
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,485
Could be the only chance
for them to get closure.

640
00:45:33,864 --> 00:45:35,229
Closure. Thank you, doc.

641
00:45:35,432 --> 00:45:37,491
From interviews with witnesses
who were there that day,

642
00:45:37,701 --> 00:45:41,364
I have learned the following about
the youngest Baudelaire's plan:

643
00:45:41,638 --> 00:45:43,367
Brave Sunny started here

644
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:45,335
and approached
the Incredibly Deadly Viper

645
00:45:45,542 --> 00:45:47,601
with single-minded determination.

646
00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:51,108
No, he's Count Olaf,
and that doctor is his accomplice.

647
00:45:51,348 --> 00:45:52,713
He tried to kill us with a train.

648
00:45:52,916 --> 00:45:55,976
- And where would this man get a train?
- Where am I gonna get a train?

649
00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:57,880
Children, that's enough
of this foolishness.

650
00:45:58,155 --> 00:46:00,953
Mr. Stephano bears absolutely
no resemblance to Count Olaf.

651
00:46:01,158 --> 00:46:04,787
Who is this incredibly handsome
Count Olaf they keep speaking of?

652
00:46:04,995 --> 00:46:08,761
Count Olaf is their old guardian,
who made an error in judgment.

653
00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:13,459
What about the tattoo? Count Olaf
had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.

654
00:46:14,171 --> 00:46:16,139
Anything for the kids.

655
00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:20,639
Voila! Spick-and-span.

656
00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:22,969
Well, he's an actor.
He covered it with makeup.

657
00:46:25,048 --> 00:46:27,676
Doctor, I wonder if you
could help me escort

658
00:46:27,885 --> 00:46:30,319
- these young children to the vehicle.
- No. Mr. Poe...

659
00:46:30,521 --> 00:46:32,250
- No, Mr. Poe!
- I'll send you a postcard.

660
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:34,617
About one thing,
all the witnesses agreed.

661
00:46:34,858 --> 00:46:39,625
The sound they heard next
was so shocking, so surprising,

662
00:46:39,863 --> 00:46:42,195
it still haunts them to this day.

663
00:46:52,075 --> 00:46:56,341
Damn it. This was
such a good character.

664
00:47:18,531 --> 00:47:21,500
Bum buttery, bluebird is singing a tune

665
00:47:21,701 --> 00:47:26,070
Rest assured, children, the authorities
are in hot pursuit of Mr. Stephano,

666
00:47:26,272 --> 00:47:29,764
from his eyebrowless forehead
to his untattooed ankle.

667
00:47:30,176 --> 00:47:31,871
The Italian fiend.

668
00:47:32,078 --> 00:47:34,546
Though still in the clutches
of a clueless banker,

669
00:47:34,747 --> 00:47:37,375
the Baudelaires celebrated
their unmasking of Count Olaf

670
00:47:37,584 --> 00:47:41,418
as they skimmed their way across
the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.

671
00:47:41,688 --> 00:47:45,522
But Klaus wasn't the sort to think
on the surface of anything.

672
00:47:45,725 --> 00:47:47,886
He knew there was something
beneath their journey,

673
00:47:48,094 --> 00:47:50,824
even though all he had to go on
was a spyglass,

674
00:47:51,030 --> 00:47:55,330
the knowledge of another terrible fire
and two words on a slip of paper.

675
00:47:55,535 --> 00:47:57,503
Aunt Josephine?

676
00:47:58,137 --> 00:47:59,832
Never heard of her.

677
00:48:01,374 --> 00:48:05,242
Does it strike you as odd that none
of our relatives are related to us?

678
00:48:21,961 --> 00:48:23,519
Aunt Josephine?

679
00:48:25,398 --> 00:48:28,196
Baudelaires? Is that you?

680
00:48:28,434 --> 00:48:29,594
Yes.

681
00:48:31,104 --> 00:48:32,401
Oh, good.

682
00:48:32,705 --> 00:48:33,729
Come in. Come in. Come in.

683
00:48:33,940 --> 00:48:37,068
Hurricane Herman
is about to arrive at any time now.

684
00:48:38,912 --> 00:48:42,245
Oh, Violet. Look at you.

685
00:48:42,482 --> 00:48:43,710
Hello.

686
00:48:43,917 --> 00:48:45,885
Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.

687
00:48:46,119 --> 00:48:47,450
- What? What?
- What's the matter?

688
00:48:47,754 --> 00:48:51,747
Not that quickly. You could trip
over the welcome mat

689
00:48:51,991 --> 00:48:53,288
and decapitate yourselves.

690
00:48:54,627 --> 00:48:59,257
So, quickly, but not too quickly,
all right?

691
00:49:13,513 --> 00:49:16,573
I'm sorry it's so chilly in here.

692
00:49:16,983 --> 00:49:20,749
Sometimes it gets so cold
I can hardly stand it.

693
00:49:20,987 --> 00:49:23,649
Would you like me to turn the radiator
up for you, Aunt Josephine?

694
00:49:23,957 --> 00:49:28,121
Oh, no. I never turn on the radiator.
I'm frightened that it might explode.

695
00:49:29,329 --> 00:49:33,493
Children, I must ask you not to use
any of the doorknobs in the house.

696
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:38,933
Just push on the wood of the door,
and it'll open.

697
00:49:39,305 --> 00:49:40,272
Why?

698
00:49:40,707 --> 00:49:42,766
Well, I'm always afraid
that the doorknobs

699
00:49:42,976 --> 00:49:44,671
Will shatter into a million tiny pieces,

700
00:49:44,877 --> 00:49:46,606
and one of them will hit my eye.

701
00:49:51,484 --> 00:49:53,782
"Delmo" is not a word.

702
00:49:54,354 --> 00:49:57,949
I can see that I'm going to have to
teach her proper English.

703
00:50:03,496 --> 00:50:07,489
Grammar is the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?

704
00:50:07,734 --> 00:50:09,031
- Most definitely.
- I love grammar.

705
00:50:18,177 --> 00:50:19,804
Perfect. Nice hot soup.

706
00:50:20,513 --> 00:50:23,812
Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.

707
00:50:24,050 --> 00:50:25,483
I never cook anything hot.

708
00:50:25,718 --> 00:50:28,551
I'm afraid that the stove
will burst into flames.

709
00:50:28,921 --> 00:50:29,979
Where's your brother?

710
00:50:30,523 --> 00:50:31,490
The kitchen.

711
00:50:32,225 --> 00:50:33,192
Klaus?

712
00:50:34,527 --> 00:50:35,721
What are you doing?

713
00:50:36,195 --> 00:50:37,162
Napkins.

714
00:50:38,231 --> 00:50:42,497
Napkins are here. Come away from
the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat.

715
00:50:44,203 --> 00:50:45,500
All right.

716
00:50:46,039 --> 00:50:48,940
Everyone, would you like
to see some pictures?

717
00:50:52,779 --> 00:50:54,713
Careful. Don't get a paper cut.

718
00:50:58,217 --> 00:50:59,184
Is this Ike?

719
00:51:01,421 --> 00:51:02,718
Wasn't he handsome?

720
00:51:07,393 --> 00:51:09,725
All the things you did,
Aunt Josephine.

721
00:51:10,396 --> 00:51:11,727
You tamed lions?

722
00:51:12,465 --> 00:51:17,698
Oh, I was quite adventurous
when Ike was alive.

723
00:51:32,251 --> 00:51:34,913
Uncle Monty?
You knew Uncle Monty?

724
00:51:35,121 --> 00:51:37,783
No. That's not a good picture of me.

725
00:51:37,990 --> 00:51:40,550
Wait, is...? Is that our parents?

726
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:42,557
Was this some sort of club?

727
00:51:42,962 --> 00:51:45,226
Why do you all have
these spyglasses?

728
00:51:45,431 --> 00:51:50,232
I don't like the way I look
in that picture.

729
00:51:54,340 --> 00:51:56,467
Did Ike die in a fire?

730
00:51:56,809 --> 00:51:59,972
No, no, no, no. Silly child, no.

731
00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:02,906
He was eaten by leeches.

732
00:52:06,285 --> 00:52:07,616
Come, I'll show you.

733
00:52:12,992 --> 00:52:17,486
Watch the chandelier, children.
If it falls, it will impale you.

734
00:52:37,817 --> 00:52:43,119
Ike and I explored every cove and inlet
of Lake Lachrymose,

735
00:52:43,322 --> 00:52:45,790
from Horrid Harbor,

736
00:52:46,025 --> 00:52:50,860
all the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

737
00:52:51,364 --> 00:52:54,492
And near that rock is
where the leeches attacked.

738
00:52:58,204 --> 00:53:00,172
Lachrymose leeches have six rows

739
00:53:00,373 --> 00:53:03,035
of very sharp teeth,
and one very sharp nose.

740
00:53:03,342 --> 00:53:07,676
They are blind, but they can smell food
on a human from miles away.

741
00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:11,976
And if they smell food,
they will swarm.

742
00:53:15,221 --> 00:53:20,523
I told him, "Ike, you must wait one hour
before going into the water."

743
00:53:21,060 --> 00:53:22,186
But...

744
00:53:23,196 --> 00:53:27,496
...he only waited 45 minutes,

745
00:53:27,700 --> 00:53:28,894
and...

746
00:53:37,710 --> 00:53:40,577
I apologize, children.

747
00:53:41,380 --> 00:53:42,677
Klaus!

748
00:53:43,216 --> 00:53:46,413
That area is private.
That was Ike's room.

749
00:53:50,389 --> 00:53:53,381
Oh, God, I hate it here.

750
00:53:55,228 --> 00:53:58,664
Well, Aunt Josephine,
have you ever thought

751
00:53:58,865 --> 00:54:00,355
of maybe moving someplace else?

752
00:54:00,566 --> 00:54:04,195
Maybe if you moved away from Lake
Lachrymose you might feel better.

753
00:54:05,304 --> 00:54:07,363
I could never,

754
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:11,872
never, never, never sell this house.

755
00:54:13,246 --> 00:54:15,544
I'm terrified of realtors.

756
00:54:15,915 --> 00:54:18,281
There are two kinds of fears:

757
00:54:18,584 --> 00:54:21,451
Rational and irrational.

758
00:54:22,088 --> 00:54:25,387
Being afraid of realtors
is an irrational fear.

759
00:54:25,591 --> 00:54:27,058
Is this a bad time?

760
00:54:32,598 --> 00:54:34,429
We gotta get her out of the house.

761
00:54:42,141 --> 00:54:46,305
Watch out for those avocados. The pit
could become lodged in our throats.

762
00:54:47,405 --> 00:54:51,905
And watch out for that cart.
It could break free and run us over.

763
00:54:53,105 --> 00:54:55,405
Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.

764
00:54:55,905 --> 00:54:58,705
Lord thundering jumped-up Jehovah.

765
00:54:58,905 --> 00:55:00,505
The black plague!
Is it the black plague?

766
00:55:00,705 --> 00:55:02,305
No, that there was all my fault.

767
00:55:02,605 --> 00:55:04,805
Tell you what, can't tell you
how sorry I is

768
00:55:05,005 --> 00:55:07,605
for running into your sister there
like that.

769
00:55:07,805 --> 00:55:08,905
Aunt Josephine, this...

770
00:55:09,105 --> 00:55:10,905
Couple of right beauties
you are, mum.

771
00:55:11,205 --> 00:55:12,305
Especially you.

772
00:55:12,505 --> 00:55:14,105
Aunt Josephine...

773
00:55:14,305 --> 00:55:15,805
But allow me to introduce meself.

774
00:55:16,105 --> 00:55:18,005
No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.

775
00:55:18,205 --> 00:55:20,205
- This...
- "Klaus and me."

776
00:55:20,405 --> 00:55:21,705
It doesn't matter. This is...

777
00:55:21,905 --> 00:55:23,105
Doesn't matter?

778
00:55:24,805 --> 00:55:26,205
Are you jigging me, girl?

779
00:55:26,505 --> 00:55:31,005
Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings
of an expert fisherman,

780
00:55:31,205 --> 00:55:33,105
but grammar is the number-one
most important thing

781
00:55:33,305 --> 00:55:35,305
in this here world to me.

782
00:55:35,705 --> 00:55:36,705
It is?

783
00:55:38,205 --> 00:55:41,005
It's the whole ball of wax.
The entire kit and caboodle.

784
00:55:41,305 --> 00:55:42,905
Why, without your good grammar,

785
00:55:43,105 --> 00:55:46,505
the whole darn shooting match
could go arse over tea kettle.

786
00:55:47,105 --> 00:55:50,605
Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

787
00:55:50,905 --> 00:55:53,705
I can flip it up and rub it down too.

788
00:55:53,905 --> 00:55:58,705
Of course, that would be entirely
up to you, mum.

789
00:56:00,005 --> 00:56:01,705
Captain Sham...

790
00:56:02,505 --> 00:56:03,905
...at your service.

791
00:56:04,205 --> 00:56:07,105
He's lying. He's Count Olaf.

792
00:56:08,105 --> 00:56:11,505
That horrible man you warned me
about? Where? Who?

793
00:56:11,705 --> 00:56:13,305
- Right in front of you.
- Where's he at?

794
00:56:13,505 --> 00:56:14,905
- Behind Captain Sham?
- No.

795
00:56:15,105 --> 00:56:19,005
I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give
him the old "wax on, wax off," me son.

796
00:56:19,205 --> 00:56:20,905
Captain Sham is Count Olaf.

797
00:56:21,905 --> 00:56:24,105
I'm not going through this again.

798
00:56:24,305 --> 00:56:26,305
Children of the corn!

799
00:56:28,005 --> 00:56:29,305
Klaus!

800
00:56:29,505 --> 00:56:33,605
Why did you do this
to this poor man?

801
00:56:33,805 --> 00:56:36,705
I'm so sorry. Sorry.

802
00:56:37,605 --> 00:56:40,105
That's gonna smart in the morning.

803
00:56:40,605 --> 00:56:43,205
Oh, I don't pay that no
never mind, mum.

804
00:56:43,505 --> 00:56:47,105
He's just a boy barely
out of his OshKosh B'Gosh.

805
00:56:47,305 --> 00:56:48,905
I've had to deal with that sort of thing

806
00:56:49,105 --> 00:56:52,105
ever since me leg was chewed off
by the Lachrymose leeches.

807
00:56:52,605 --> 00:56:57,905
Why didn't I wait an hour before
swimming? Why? Why? Why?

808
00:56:59,005 --> 00:57:00,805
The leeches took my husband too.

809
00:57:01,005 --> 00:57:02,105
Get out of town.

810
00:57:02,305 --> 00:57:04,505
No, really.

811
00:57:04,705 --> 00:57:09,005
By jeez, them blasted leeches doomed
me to a life of hopping, they did.

812
00:57:09,705 --> 00:57:12,205
Sure, I get the good parking spots,

813
00:57:12,505 --> 00:57:16,505
but who could love a man with one leg
and a face like a hen's arse?

814
00:57:16,705 --> 00:57:20,005
I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.

815
00:57:20,305 --> 00:57:22,905
Oh, Captain Sham.

816
00:57:23,705 --> 00:57:27,305
Would you come to my house
for dinner this evening?

817
00:57:27,505 --> 00:57:28,505
- No!
- No!

818
00:57:28,805 --> 00:57:30,505
Oh, no, I don't know about that, mum.

819
00:57:30,705 --> 00:57:34,205
I'm afeard I might scuff up the floors
with this old cribbage peg.

820
00:57:34,405 --> 00:57:36,905
Well, I will lay down newspapers.

821
00:57:37,205 --> 00:57:41,105
Please, the children are going to make
a lovely dinner of puttanesca.

822
00:57:41,405 --> 00:57:45,405
The very meal I ate
before they took me leg!

823
00:57:45,805 --> 00:57:49,905
Oh, my goodness. Well, children,
I'm going to take Captain Sham home.

824
00:57:50,205 --> 00:57:54,605
And you stay here and shop for
an entirely puttanesca-free dinner.

825
00:57:55,605 --> 00:57:58,605
- But...
- "But" is not a sentence, Klaus.

826
00:58:00,405 --> 00:58:01,605
Aunt Josephine.

827
00:58:01,805 --> 00:58:04,505
Hey, you haven't paid for that.

828
00:58:11,105 --> 00:58:13,205
Kids today.

829
00:58:36,605 --> 00:58:38,305
Aunt Josephine?

830
00:58:44,205 --> 00:58:45,805
Aunt Josephine?

831
00:58:48,705 --> 00:58:50,105
Are you here?

832
00:58:50,605 --> 00:58:52,005
Aunt Jo?

833
00:58:53,105 --> 00:58:54,505
Are you here?

834
00:58:55,205 --> 00:58:56,905
Aunt Josephine?

835
00:59:02,805 --> 00:59:04,205
Oh, no.

836
00:59:04,405 --> 00:59:06,105
No.

837
00:59:12,205 --> 00:59:13,605
We're too late.

838
00:59:16,205 --> 00:59:18,005
We're too late.

839
00:59:24,305 --> 00:59:25,705
What does it say?

840
00:59:26,005 --> 00:59:27,705
It's a suicide note.

841
00:59:29,905 --> 00:59:33,805
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny, by the time
you read this, my life will be at its end.

842
00:59:34,005 --> 00:59:37,505
My heart is as cold as Ike,
and I find life inbearable."

843
00:59:37,805 --> 00:59:39,005
"Inbearable"?

844
00:59:39,205 --> 00:59:40,505
Go on.

845
00:59:41,005 --> 00:59:44,405
"I know you children may not
understand the sad life of a dowadg..."

846
00:59:44,805 --> 00:59:46,205
"Dowager" has one D.

847
00:59:46,405 --> 00:59:48,205
It doesn't matter. Keep going.

848
00:59:49,405 --> 00:59:54,705
"...or what would have led to this
desperate akt." "Act" is spelled with a C.

849
00:59:54,905 --> 00:59:56,805
It's a suicide note.
Why are you checking spelling?

850
00:59:57,005 --> 00:59:58,905
She said her greatest joy in life
was grammar.

851
00:59:59,105 --> 01:00:00,505
Why is she making
all these mistakes?

852
01:00:01,805 --> 01:00:03,305
If you were about to jump
out a window,

853
01:00:03,505 --> 01:00:05,505
you might make
a few spelling mistakes too.

854
01:00:05,905 --> 01:00:07,605
"Please know that
I am much happier this way.

855
01:00:07,805 --> 01:00:10,705
As my last will and testament, I leave
you three in the care of Captain Sham,

856
01:00:10,905 --> 01:00:13,005
a kind and honorable man."

857
01:00:14,705 --> 01:00:17,305
That was his plan.
He made her write this note,

858
01:00:17,505 --> 01:00:19,205
and then he pushed her
out the window.

859
01:00:25,205 --> 01:00:28,605
No. It's not a suicide note.
It's a message.

860
01:00:29,105 --> 01:00:32,005
It's not supposed to be "Ike,"
it's supposed to be "ice." C.

861
01:00:33,705 --> 01:00:35,505
And "unbearable" with a U.

862
01:00:54,105 --> 01:00:56,705
All the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

863
01:00:56,905 --> 01:00:59,305
She's not dead. She's hiding.

864
01:00:59,905 --> 01:01:01,205
Curdled Cave?

865
01:01:05,205 --> 01:01:06,505
Sunny!

866
01:01:27,805 --> 01:01:29,605
He was investigating fires.

867
01:01:41,205 --> 01:01:43,305
Klaus, we gotta go.

868
01:01:58,205 --> 01:01:59,405
Come away from the fridge.

869
01:01:59,805 --> 01:02:00,905
What?

870
01:02:01,405 --> 01:02:03,905
If it falls, it could crush you flat.

871
01:02:45,205 --> 01:02:46,105
No way.

872
01:02:57,205 --> 01:02:58,605
Is it over?

873
01:03:05,405 --> 01:03:08,405
Violet, you better tie your hair up.

874
01:03:28,805 --> 01:03:31,505
Violet, ideas?

875
01:03:50,905 --> 01:03:52,405
Bring me that fire extinguisher.

876
01:03:53,105 --> 01:03:54,105
Why?

877
01:03:54,405 --> 01:03:56,805
Because we need to move
this anchor over there.

878
01:03:57,005 --> 01:03:59,705
- What?
- Just help me.

879
01:04:14,605 --> 01:04:16,205
On three, we're gonna
break that beam.

880
01:04:16,405 --> 01:04:17,705
- Break it?
- Yes.

881
01:04:17,905 --> 01:04:20,505
- That's the only thing keeping us up.
- Exactly.

882
01:04:20,805 --> 01:04:22,405
Are you sure you tied your hair
tight enough?

883
01:04:22,705 --> 01:04:24,105
On three.

884
01:04:25,605 --> 01:04:26,905
One.

885
01:04:27,605 --> 01:04:28,905
Two.

886
01:04:29,805 --> 01:04:30,905
Three.

887
01:04:40,905 --> 01:04:42,005
Wait.

888
01:04:42,305 --> 01:04:43,505
Wait.

889
01:04:43,905 --> 01:04:46,105
Wait. Hold on, Sunny.

890
01:04:46,305 --> 01:04:47,405
Now!

891
01:05:03,105 --> 01:05:04,505
What do we do now?

892
01:05:04,705 --> 01:05:07,205
She's alive. We have to go
to the authorities.

893
01:05:07,605 --> 01:05:09,005
- No.
- What?

894
01:05:09,305 --> 01:05:11,605
- They won't listen. They never listen.
- Violet!

895
01:05:11,805 --> 01:05:15,205
It's Olaf. He'll never stop.
We have to find her ourselves.

896
01:05:17,505 --> 01:05:19,005
Hey, you kids.

897
01:05:19,305 --> 01:05:22,605
It's Captain Sham,
your new guardian.

898
01:05:22,905 --> 01:05:26,605
You just stay where you're at,
and we'll come where you're to.

899
01:05:27,005 --> 01:05:29,105
Ever read any books on sailing?

900
01:05:31,805 --> 01:05:37,105
Klaus had read exactly 15 books on
sailing and two books on meteorology.

901
01:05:37,705 --> 01:05:40,405
But it is one thing to do something
in theory,

902
01:05:40,605 --> 01:05:42,905
another to do it in practice.

903
01:05:43,105 --> 01:05:46,705
Little could have prepared them
for the crossing to Curdled Cave

904
01:05:46,905 --> 01:05:50,805
at the hands of an angry
and ill-humored lake.

905
01:05:51,005 --> 01:05:54,405
But as the storm passed
and the waters calmed,

906
01:05:54,605 --> 01:05:58,605
the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel
a small sense of accomplishment.

907
01:05:58,905 --> 01:06:02,505
A rare moment of joy
in their otherwise woeful lives.

908
01:06:03,905 --> 01:06:05,405
They had made it.

909
01:06:05,605 --> 01:06:08,005
And if their guardian
could not rescue them,

910
01:06:08,205 --> 01:06:11,805
then they would rescue
their guardian.

911
01:06:22,405 --> 01:06:24,005
Aunt Josephine?

912
01:06:39,505 --> 01:06:41,005
Aunt Josephine?

913
01:06:57,405 --> 01:06:59,005
Aunt Josephine?

914
01:07:02,105 --> 01:07:03,705
Are you in here?

915
01:07:15,405 --> 01:07:16,905
Aunt Josephine!

916
01:07:19,805 --> 01:07:21,205
Oh, children.

917
01:07:21,405 --> 01:07:26,305
You did it! You deciphered
the clues in my note.

918
01:07:26,505 --> 01:07:27,905
We're so glad you're okay.

919
01:07:28,105 --> 01:07:29,205
It was so horrible.

920
01:07:29,405 --> 01:07:31,905
Count Olaf forced me
to write that will,

921
01:07:32,105 --> 01:07:35,305
and then it nearly killed me to add in
all those grammatical errors.

922
01:07:37,305 --> 01:07:39,005
So did you bring groceries?

923
01:07:39,205 --> 01:07:42,105
Groceries?
We just came through a storm.

924
01:07:42,305 --> 01:07:45,205
Well, so? How do you expect us
to live in this cave

925
01:07:45,405 --> 01:07:47,205
if you didn't bring any food?

926
01:07:47,405 --> 01:07:48,605
Live in the cave?

927
01:07:48,805 --> 01:07:51,005
No, no, no. Aunt Josephine,
you have to come back with us.

928
01:07:51,205 --> 01:07:54,105
You willed us to Captain Sham.
You're the only proof we have it's a lie.

929
01:07:54,305 --> 01:07:57,105
No, no, no, no. No, no, it's much too
dangerous, children. I'm very sorry.

930
01:07:57,305 --> 01:08:00,605
Too dangerous? You're our guardian.
You're supposed to take care of us.

931
01:08:00,805 --> 01:08:02,605
I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.

932
01:08:04,405 --> 01:08:07,905
You know, Aunt Josephine,
Curdled Cave is for sale.

933
01:08:08,105 --> 01:08:09,205
So?

934
01:08:09,705 --> 01:08:14,605
So before too long, people
are gonna come to look at it.

935
01:08:15,005 --> 01:08:18,705
And some of those people
will be realtors.

936
01:08:43,805 --> 01:08:45,405
Aunt Josephine,

937
01:08:46,405 --> 01:08:48,005
what does this mean?

938
01:08:49,005 --> 01:08:50,405
Where did you find that?

939
01:08:50,605 --> 01:08:52,105
I found it in Ike's room.

940
01:08:52,605 --> 01:08:54,105
The fires.

941
01:08:54,505 --> 01:08:56,505
Why was he investigating fires?

942
01:08:56,705 --> 01:09:01,705
We all were. Uncle Monty, Ike and...

943
01:09:03,205 --> 01:09:04,505
Our parents.

944
01:09:05,605 --> 01:09:07,905
They were our leaders.

945
01:09:09,105 --> 01:09:10,305
Children,

946
01:09:11,005 --> 01:09:15,605
there are good people
and bad people in the world.

947
01:09:15,805 --> 01:09:19,505
The ones who start the fires
and the ones who put them out.

948
01:09:19,705 --> 01:09:20,905
Who's doing this?

949
01:09:21,105 --> 01:09:22,105
Is it Olaf?

950
01:09:23,005 --> 01:09:25,705
I've said too much already.
Your parents knew the answer to that,

951
01:09:25,905 --> 01:09:27,205
and look what happened to them.

952
01:09:27,905 --> 01:09:31,305
Our parents? What did they say?

953
01:09:32,905 --> 01:09:34,905
We should never have left that cave.

954
01:09:35,105 --> 01:09:36,705
It's not too late for us
to turn around now,

955
01:09:36,905 --> 01:09:38,705
and I'll just take my chances
with the realtors.

956
01:09:38,905 --> 01:09:39,905
Aunt Josephine,

957
01:09:40,205 --> 01:09:42,805
what did our parents say?

958
01:09:44,005 --> 01:09:45,705
We're going to die.

959
01:09:47,205 --> 01:09:50,705
- What?
- It's the leeches!

960
01:09:57,305 --> 01:10:00,605
I guess it's a good thing none of us
have eaten in a while then.

961
01:10:10,205 --> 01:10:11,605
Aunt Josephine!

962
01:10:29,405 --> 01:10:31,705
There's a crack in the boat!

963
01:10:33,905 --> 01:10:37,605
Klaus, what do we do?
They're eating the boat!

964
01:10:38,305 --> 01:10:40,405
We're sinking, sinking, sinking.

965
01:10:40,605 --> 01:10:43,705
- Klaus, paddle, please.
- Doomed. Doomed.

966
01:10:43,905 --> 01:10:46,605
Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.

967
01:10:52,405 --> 01:10:55,905
There's a boat.
Over here! Over here!

968
01:10:56,105 --> 01:10:59,305
But as unpleasant
as Lachrymose leeches can be,

969
01:10:59,605 --> 01:11:03,705
there was something far more
unpleasant arriving out of the fog.

970
01:11:04,005 --> 01:11:07,905
Hello, hello, hello.

971
01:11:09,005 --> 01:11:12,305
I missed you guys.

972
01:11:12,505 --> 01:11:16,305
Looks like you could use
a little assistance.

973
01:11:16,505 --> 01:11:18,805
You're gonna need assistance
when we get back to town.

974
01:11:19,005 --> 01:11:21,205
Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone
what happened.

975
01:11:21,405 --> 01:11:22,905
Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail,

976
01:11:23,105 --> 01:11:25,405
and you'll live happily ever after
with a friendly guardian,

977
01:11:25,605 --> 01:11:27,605
spending your time inventing things
and reading books

978
01:11:27,805 --> 01:11:29,305
and sharpening
your little monkey teeth.

979
01:11:29,505 --> 01:11:31,505
And bravery and nobility
will prevail at last.

980
01:11:31,705 --> 01:11:33,805
And this wicked world
will slowly but surely become

981
01:11:34,005 --> 01:11:35,105
a place of cheerful harmony.

982
01:11:35,305 --> 01:11:37,305
And everyone will be singing
and dancing and giggling

983
01:11:37,605 --> 01:11:38,905
like the Littlest Elf.

984
01:11:39,105 --> 01:11:42,505
A happy ending.
Is that what you had in mind?

985
01:11:42,905 --> 01:11:47,005
Because I hardly think that anybody
is going to believe a dead woman.

986
01:11:47,305 --> 01:11:48,705
You're not gonna touch
Aunt Josephine.

987
01:11:48,905 --> 01:11:50,205
She'll tell everyone what happened.

988
01:11:50,405 --> 01:11:52,805
No, no, no, no, I won't tell anybody
anything. I promise.

989
01:11:53,005 --> 01:11:54,705
Please don't throw me
to the leeches.

990
01:11:54,905 --> 01:11:57,305
You can have the fortune.
You can have the children.

991
01:11:57,505 --> 01:11:59,005
Aunt Josephine!

992
01:11:59,205 --> 01:12:00,405
Please.

993
01:12:00,605 --> 01:12:03,405
Welcome aboard. Hot potato.

994
01:12:05,305 --> 01:12:08,205
I'll go away. I'll dye my hair.
I'll change my name.

995
01:12:08,505 --> 01:12:12,005
- But what about us?
- Quiet, child. The adults are talking.

996
01:12:14,405 --> 01:12:17,405
- I suppose I don't have to kill you.
- No.

997
01:12:17,605 --> 01:12:20,005
On the other hand, with that little stunt
of yours at the window,

998
01:12:20,205 --> 01:12:23,605
you hadn't been
a very trustworthy person.

999
01:12:24,305 --> 01:12:25,605
But...

1000
01:12:27,405 --> 01:12:29,405
...I could show a little mercy.

1001
01:12:31,805 --> 01:12:33,705
"Haven't."

1002
01:12:37,705 --> 01:12:38,905
What?

1003
01:12:39,705 --> 01:12:43,305
You said "hadn't." That's bad grammar.
You should've said,

1004
01:12:43,605 --> 01:12:46,405
"You haven't been
a very trustworthy person."

1005
01:12:50,105 --> 01:12:53,505
Thank you for correcting me.

1006
01:12:54,105 --> 01:12:55,405
Not at all.

1007
01:12:56,605 --> 01:12:59,405
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Aunt Josephine. Aunt Josephine!

1008
01:12:59,605 --> 01:13:00,805
- Aunt Josephine.
- You can't...

1009
01:13:01,005 --> 01:13:03,105
- Aunt Josephine. Aunt...
- Aunt Josephine. Jump!

1010
01:13:04,305 --> 01:13:06,405
Well, you get the picture.

1011
01:13:10,805 --> 01:13:12,405
Aunt Josephine.

1012
01:13:13,105 --> 01:13:17,305
Well, we've done all we can do.

1013
01:13:19,805 --> 01:13:21,105
Everybody be cool.

1014
01:13:21,505 --> 01:13:23,905
Children? Is that you?

1015
01:13:24,105 --> 01:13:25,405
Mr. Poe! We're...

1016
01:13:25,605 --> 01:13:26,905
Drowning.

1017
01:13:29,805 --> 01:13:33,205
I saved him! I saved the boy
from the leeches!

1018
01:13:33,405 --> 01:13:35,905
Back to the depths,
you fingery devils.

1019
01:13:36,105 --> 01:13:39,205
You will not devour
this boy's head today.

1020
01:13:43,705 --> 01:13:46,305
Count Olaf?
What are you doing here?

1021
01:13:46,605 --> 01:13:51,105
Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf,
what are you doing here, man?

1022
01:13:51,405 --> 01:13:53,905
I know, I know. I shouldn't have come.

1023
01:13:54,205 --> 01:13:57,605
But when I heard the children
were in danger, I had to.

1024
01:13:58,005 --> 01:14:00,105
Even if I'm not...

1025
01:14:00,505 --> 01:14:02,505
...fit to be their guardian.

1026
01:14:04,405 --> 01:14:06,605
It appears I was wrong about you,
Count Olaf.

1027
01:14:06,805 --> 01:14:08,905
- No!
- No.

1028
01:14:09,105 --> 01:14:12,605
You have proven yourself to be
an exceptionally capable guardian.

1029
01:14:13,005 --> 01:14:14,605
And I would be remiss
in my responsibility

1030
01:14:14,805 --> 01:14:17,505
if I did not place the children
with you immediately.

1031
01:14:18,205 --> 01:14:20,405
- Why, if it weren't for you, the...
- Don't say it!

1032
01:14:20,705 --> 01:14:23,805
I can't stand the thought
of losing my little treasures.

1033
01:14:24,005 --> 01:14:26,205
Even the thought
of the massive inheritance

1034
01:14:26,405 --> 01:14:29,305
would be a constant reminder
of my heartache.

1035
01:14:29,505 --> 01:14:31,505
Well, well, there's no need
to fret about that.

1036
01:14:31,705 --> 01:14:35,205
The law clearly states that you
would not inherit the Baudelaire fortune

1037
01:14:35,405 --> 01:14:36,805
if anything happened to the children.

1038
01:14:37,205 --> 01:14:38,105
Say what?

1039
01:14:38,305 --> 01:14:42,905
No, no. With the exception, of course,
of blood relatives and married couples.

1040
01:14:43,605 --> 01:14:44,705
Really?

1041
01:14:54,105 --> 01:14:55,505
Mr. Poe,

1042
01:14:56,105 --> 01:14:59,805
have I told you about our new play?

1043
01:15:10,505 --> 01:15:12,005
Critic.

1044
01:15:12,705 --> 01:15:14,205
Critic!

1045
01:15:15,805 --> 01:15:16,805
Cape, sir.

1046
01:15:17,005 --> 01:15:18,805
Don't try to get on my good side.

1047
01:15:22,305 --> 01:15:24,705
What is he up to?
Why are we in the play?

1048
01:15:24,905 --> 01:15:28,805
He's using this as a prop.
It says that if two people are married,

1049
01:15:29,005 --> 01:15:32,005
they're entitled to any money
that either of them has.

1050
01:15:32,205 --> 01:15:35,605
No, but it's just a play. He can't get
our fortune by marrying me in a play.

1051
01:15:37,105 --> 01:15:38,405
Can't I?

1052
01:15:38,605 --> 01:15:42,705
Conspirators. "Caesar must die.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die."

1053
01:15:42,905 --> 01:15:44,205
In order to be a valid marriage,

1054
01:15:44,405 --> 01:15:47,105
it has to be administered
by a bona fide justice of the peace.

1055
01:15:47,305 --> 01:15:48,505
It says so right here.

1056
01:15:48,705 --> 01:15:52,905
Justice Strauss, are you ready
for your debut?

1057
01:15:54,705 --> 01:15:59,505
Look at you.
Violet, you look so beautiful.

1058
01:15:59,905 --> 01:16:03,105
You are the bride, I'm the judge.
Who's the groom?

1059
01:16:03,305 --> 01:16:05,905
No, Justice Strauss, you don't
understand. The play is real.

1060
01:16:06,105 --> 01:16:08,105
Yes! Yes.

1061
01:16:08,305 --> 01:16:11,805
It must be real. That's why I cast you.

1062
01:16:12,005 --> 01:16:14,905
All the other actors I saw
lacked the proper...

1063
01:16:15,105 --> 01:16:16,505
What's the word I'm looking for?

1064
01:16:16,705 --> 01:16:18,505
- Hair?
- Hands?

1065
01:16:18,805 --> 01:16:20,705
Verisimilitude.

1066
01:16:21,405 --> 01:16:22,705
Now, remember, Justice Strauss,

1067
01:16:22,905 --> 01:16:25,605
you must say the words exactly
as you would in a real wedding.

1068
01:16:25,805 --> 01:16:28,605
Get it absolutely right. There are
talent scouts in the audience

1069
01:16:28,805 --> 01:16:32,205
looking for someone your age.
It's all riding on this one.

1070
01:16:32,905 --> 01:16:36,005
Why did you have to tell me that?
Oh, my God.

1071
01:16:36,205 --> 01:16:37,405
Take her to makeup.

1072
01:16:37,705 --> 01:16:40,905
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.

1073
01:16:41,105 --> 01:16:45,105
This is ridiculous. Violet's only 14.
She can't be legally married.

1074
01:16:45,305 --> 01:16:47,205
She can if she has the permission
of her guardian.

1075
01:16:47,405 --> 01:16:50,205
And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!

1076
01:16:52,905 --> 01:16:54,505
Look it up, bookworm.

1077
01:16:54,705 --> 01:16:57,405
Yes. Once you say "I do"
and sign the marriage certificate,

1078
01:16:57,605 --> 01:17:00,105
you'll really be my loverly bride.

1079
01:17:00,305 --> 01:17:03,505
You'll cook and clean
and massage my bunions

1080
01:17:03,705 --> 01:17:06,205
and clip my thick, yellow toenails.

1081
01:17:06,405 --> 01:17:10,905
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
You gotta work at it.

1082
01:17:11,105 --> 01:17:13,505
I'll never say "I do." Never.

1083
01:17:14,905 --> 01:17:16,605
I think you might...

1084
01:17:17,605 --> 01:17:19,905
...once you look up there.

1085
01:17:28,405 --> 01:17:29,505
Let her go!

1086
01:17:30,005 --> 01:17:31,605
Gladly. Let her go.

1087
01:17:32,505 --> 01:17:34,305
- No!
- Put a hold on that.

1088
01:17:35,805 --> 01:17:37,705
If you don't say "I do,"

1089
01:17:37,905 --> 01:17:41,005
or if anything should happen
to interrupt this performance,

1090
01:17:41,805 --> 01:17:43,305
I say one word into this,

1091
01:17:43,605 --> 01:17:47,905
and down will come baby,
cradle and all.

1092
01:17:48,605 --> 01:17:49,805
Clang!

1093
01:17:50,805 --> 01:17:53,005
How could you? She's an infant.

1094
01:17:53,205 --> 01:17:56,505
Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.

1095
01:17:57,405 --> 01:17:59,805
Violet.

1096
01:18:00,005 --> 01:18:01,705
You're 14 years old.

1097
01:18:01,905 --> 01:18:05,705
You should know by now that you
can't have everything you want.

1098
01:18:06,005 --> 01:18:09,505
You want a life of happiness?
A roof over your head?

1099
01:18:09,705 --> 01:18:12,705
A place to call your own
and all that jazz?

1100
01:18:15,605 --> 01:18:17,705
And what about what I want?

1101
01:18:18,505 --> 01:18:21,505
I want that enormous fortune

1102
01:18:21,705 --> 01:18:25,705
and for all investigations
against me to cease.

1103
01:18:26,605 --> 01:18:30,905
You're going to help me
get what I want...

1104
01:18:31,805 --> 01:18:33,305
...tonight.

1105
01:18:42,405 --> 01:18:44,305
My public awaits.

1106
01:18:52,305 --> 01:18:55,305
Ladies and gentlemen, could you
put your appendages together

1107
01:18:55,505 --> 01:18:58,105
for The Marvelouse Marriage.

1108
01:18:58,305 --> 01:19:00,705
No. You're not gonna
go through with this.

1109
01:19:04,105 --> 01:19:05,605
I have to.

1110
01:19:06,005 --> 01:19:09,105
No, come on.
There's always something.

1111
01:19:09,305 --> 01:19:11,105
There's always something.

1112
01:19:12,605 --> 01:19:14,305
No, not this time.

1113
01:19:15,805 --> 01:19:16,805
But...

1114
01:19:17,005 --> 01:19:18,705
Camel, you're on.

1115
01:19:21,105 --> 01:19:23,105
- Go, Klaus.
- Violet.

1116
01:19:23,305 --> 01:19:24,305
Go!

1117
01:19:25,505 --> 01:19:27,705
Move your hump, camel. You're on.

1118
01:19:36,305 --> 01:19:38,805
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride

1119
01:19:39,005 --> 01:19:41,605
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride

1120
01:19:41,805 --> 01:19:43,905
Nothing in the world
Nothing in the world

1121
01:19:44,105 --> 01:19:46,305
Nothing
Nothing

1122
01:19:51,005 --> 01:19:55,005
What a marvelous day
for a marriage.

1123
01:19:55,205 --> 01:20:00,505
If only the handsome count
were here to claim his bride.

1124
01:20:00,705 --> 01:20:04,605
With his full head of hair
and great bravery,

1125
01:20:04,805 --> 01:20:07,805
the count has no equal.

1126
01:20:09,905 --> 01:20:11,305
What would Violet do?

1127
01:20:11,505 --> 01:20:15,205
The courageous battle
has waylaid him.

1128
01:20:15,405 --> 01:20:19,205
There's always something.
There's always something.

1129
01:20:19,405 --> 01:20:22,105
And a quiet, bald-headed suitor

1130
01:20:22,305 --> 01:20:25,005
has stolen the bride's affections.

1131
01:20:26,005 --> 01:20:29,005
Alas. The groom is a cad.

1132
01:20:29,305 --> 01:20:32,705
And nowhere near as handsome
as the count.

1133
01:20:33,005 --> 01:20:35,905
If only for a miracle.

1134
01:20:36,105 --> 01:20:40,405
Some way for the handsome count
to come and save...

1135
01:20:44,605 --> 01:20:48,005
What a thoroughly unmarvelous
marriage this will be.

1136
01:20:48,205 --> 01:20:49,705
But wait.

1137
01:20:50,405 --> 01:20:53,005
What is that?

1138
01:20:57,805 --> 01:21:02,205
It's the count, in his autogiro.

1139
01:21:02,405 --> 01:21:04,505
I didn't know they had
this kind of budget.

1140
01:21:15,305 --> 01:21:20,505
Yes, it is I, come to marry my bride.

1141
01:21:21,005 --> 01:21:25,705
And you, sir, have been taken
by surprise.

1142
01:21:26,205 --> 01:21:29,505
Caution. This next scene could get
pretty graphic.

1143
01:21:29,705 --> 01:21:31,105
Away, rapscallion!

1144
01:21:35,105 --> 01:21:36,405
Hairless Lothario!

1145
01:21:36,905 --> 01:21:39,205
Take that. And that.

1146
01:21:40,905 --> 01:21:42,605
Can I get some slack?

1147
01:21:44,905 --> 01:21:47,105
Let the wedding begin.

1148
01:22:14,605 --> 01:22:15,905
Don't look down.

1149
01:22:17,105 --> 01:22:18,505
Don't look down.

1150
01:22:31,605 --> 01:22:34,405
Do you, Count Olaf,

1151
01:22:34,605 --> 01:22:38,805
take this to be
your lawfully wedded wife,

1152
01:22:39,005 --> 01:22:43,105
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

1153
01:22:43,805 --> 01:22:45,105
Until death,

1154
01:22:46,305 --> 01:22:48,405
I most certainly do.

1155
01:22:51,805 --> 01:22:54,005
Do you, Violet Baudelaire,

1156
01:22:54,205 --> 01:22:57,905
take this...? Count Olaf

1157
01:22:58,105 --> 01:23:01,205
to be your lawfully wedded husband,

1158
01:23:01,405 --> 01:23:05,505
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

1159
01:23:05,705 --> 01:23:07,305
Justice Strauss, l...

1160
01:23:13,705 --> 01:23:14,905
I do.

1161
01:23:15,505 --> 01:23:17,405
- She doesn't deserve him.
- No.

1162
01:23:17,605 --> 01:23:20,305
- Are you thinking that?
- No, she doesn't.

1163
01:23:20,805 --> 01:23:22,705
- Now, all that is left...
- Sunny?

1164
01:23:22,905 --> 01:23:26,105
...is for this happy couple to sign
the marriage certificate,

1165
01:23:26,305 --> 01:23:28,005
and this union shall be...

1166
01:23:28,205 --> 01:23:29,705
Official

1167
01:23:30,405 --> 01:23:31,505
and legal.

1168
01:23:55,605 --> 01:23:58,905
Sunny, where's the key?
The key to the lock.

1169
01:24:24,305 --> 01:24:26,605
Right hand, please.

1170
01:25:30,905 --> 01:25:33,305
Children, I'm afraid
I must inform you

1171
01:25:33,505 --> 01:25:37,205
of an extremely unfortunate event.

1172
01:25:38,405 --> 01:25:41,405
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire

1173
01:25:41,605 --> 01:25:43,505
that's destroyed your entire home.

1174
01:25:44,405 --> 01:25:46,505
These things don't just happen.

1175
01:25:50,305 --> 01:25:51,905
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

1176
01:25:56,205 --> 01:25:58,705
Look what I did
to your pretty little home.

1177
01:26:00,405 --> 01:26:01,605
Let's finish here.

1178
01:26:10,505 --> 01:26:11,605
Boss.

1179
01:26:11,905 --> 01:26:14,005
What is it? Kind of busy right now.

1180
01:26:14,205 --> 01:26:15,305
We've got a problem.

1181
01:26:15,505 --> 01:26:16,705
Where are you?

1182
01:26:16,905 --> 01:26:18,705
Look up.

1183
01:26:23,005 --> 01:26:23,905
Hi!

1184
01:26:27,805 --> 01:26:29,505
And so concludes our play!

1185
01:26:29,705 --> 01:26:31,305
No, wait, it wasn't a play!

1186
01:26:31,505 --> 01:26:34,305
Count Olaf was gonna kill Sunny
if I didn't go through with the marriage.

1187
01:26:34,505 --> 01:26:35,505
Ridiculous.

1188
01:26:36,405 --> 01:26:37,805
No, you have to listen to me.

1189
01:26:38,005 --> 01:26:41,005
He was only marrying me to get
to the Baudelaire fortune.

1190
01:26:41,205 --> 01:26:42,805
No, that part is true, actually.

1191
01:26:43,005 --> 01:26:44,005
What?

1192
01:26:44,205 --> 01:26:47,605
Violet and I are indeed
a blissfully wedded couple,

1193
01:26:47,805 --> 01:26:49,005
because, you see,

1194
01:26:50,105 --> 01:26:52,605
we were married
in an official ceremony,

1195
01:26:52,805 --> 01:26:54,805
with official and legal vows

1196
01:26:55,005 --> 01:26:59,205
in front of a bona fide
justice of the peace.

1197
01:26:59,505 --> 01:27:01,305
Oh, my God, what have I done?

1198
01:27:01,705 --> 01:27:03,605
I'm sorry! I didn't know!

1199
01:27:03,805 --> 01:27:05,505
First order of business,

1200
01:27:05,805 --> 01:27:09,105
put the other two brats
up for adoption, separately,

1201
01:27:09,305 --> 01:27:11,505
into the far corners of the earth.

1202
01:27:11,705 --> 01:27:15,005
These children are meddlesome
when they're together.

1203
01:27:15,205 --> 01:27:21,005
- Mr. Poe!
- You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!

1204
01:27:22,005 --> 01:27:23,105
For what?

1205
01:27:23,405 --> 01:27:24,805
For being a greedy monster!

1206
01:27:25,005 --> 01:27:26,005
Come on.

1207
01:27:27,305 --> 01:27:31,105
Oh, I'm the monster? I'm the monster?

1208
01:27:32,205 --> 01:27:34,505
You're the monster.

1209
01:27:34,905 --> 01:27:37,205
Come on. Come on.

1210
01:27:37,405 --> 01:27:41,105
These children tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.

1211
01:27:41,305 --> 01:27:44,005
No one ever listens to children.

1212
01:27:44,705 --> 01:27:47,105
- Come on.
- Do you think you're innocent?

1213
01:27:47,305 --> 01:27:48,805
You're accomplices.

1214
01:27:49,405 --> 01:27:53,205
This certificate says
that I have the fortune now.

1215
01:27:53,605 --> 01:27:54,705
Come on!

1216
01:27:54,905 --> 01:27:57,405
And there's nothing you can do
about it!

1217
01:28:03,205 --> 01:28:06,605
What do you think? Too diabolical?
Give me some feedback.

1218
01:28:22,005 --> 01:28:24,905
Hey, marriage is no picnic.

1219
01:28:25,105 --> 01:28:28,305
Oh, and by the way,
you're a terrible actor.

1220
01:28:28,805 --> 01:28:30,005
Now, now,

1221
01:28:31,005 --> 01:28:32,805
let's keep our heads here.

1222
01:28:33,105 --> 01:28:36,805
If you do anything to me,
you're just sinking to my level.

1223
01:28:37,005 --> 01:28:41,005
Not to mention setting
a terrible example for the children.

1224
01:28:42,305 --> 01:28:43,305
Guilty.

1225
01:28:43,505 --> 01:28:47,105
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf
was captured,

1226
01:28:47,305 --> 01:28:50,005
for crimes too numerous to mention.

1227
01:28:50,205 --> 01:28:53,705
And before serving his life sentence,
it was the judge's decree

1228
01:28:54,005 --> 01:28:56,505
that Olaf be made to suffer
every hardship

1229
01:28:56,705 --> 01:28:58,605
- that he forced upon the children.
- Yes!

1230
01:29:01,705 --> 01:29:04,005
Get out! Get out!

1231
01:29:08,205 --> 01:29:09,705
Oh, no.

1232
01:29:18,805 --> 01:29:21,305
The Baudelaires had triumphed.

1233
01:29:21,505 --> 01:29:25,705
A word which here means, "unmasking
a cruel and talentless arsonist

1234
01:29:25,905 --> 01:29:28,905
and solving the mystery
of the Baudelaire fire."

1235
01:29:31,705 --> 01:29:34,005
If only justice were as kind.

1236
01:29:34,205 --> 01:29:39,505
Count Olaf vanished after a jury
of his peers overturned his sentence.

1237
01:29:40,005 --> 01:29:43,705
As for the Baudelaires, what lay
ahead for them was unclear.

1238
01:29:43,905 --> 01:29:45,405
But one thing they knew,
as they climbed

1239
01:29:45,605 --> 01:29:48,705
once again into the back
of Mr. Poe's car...

1240
01:29:49,405 --> 01:29:50,805
They were moving on.

1241
01:29:53,505 --> 01:29:55,205
Now, don't worry, children,

1242
01:29:55,705 --> 01:29:58,805
I'm sure the authorities will catch up
with Count Olaf very soon.

1243
01:30:00,005 --> 01:30:03,705
No, no, we'll never have to deal
with that terrible man again.

1244
01:30:07,505 --> 01:30:09,005
Before we leave,

1245
01:30:10,505 --> 01:30:14,505
perhaps there's time
for just one last stop.

1246
01:32:00,505 --> 01:32:03,605
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny."
It's addressed to us.

1247
01:32:03,805 --> 01:32:05,605
Look at all these postmarks.

1248
01:32:06,005 --> 01:32:10,905
It's been to England and Rome
and Kenya and Iceland.

1249
01:32:11,205 --> 01:32:13,005
I don't even know
where these are from.

1250
01:32:13,205 --> 01:32:14,505
Who's it from?

1251
01:32:21,105 --> 01:32:22,505
Mom and Dad.

1252
01:32:37,605 --> 01:32:39,005
It's the letter.

1253
01:32:40,005 --> 01:32:41,805
The letter that never came.

1254
01:32:45,805 --> 01:32:48,505
"Dearest children,
since we've been abroad

1255
01:32:48,705 --> 01:32:50,405
we have missed you all so much.

1256
01:32:51,705 --> 01:32:55,005
Certain events have compelled us
to extend our travels.

1257
01:32:55,805 --> 01:32:57,405
One day, when you're older,

1258
01:32:57,905 --> 01:33:00,405
you will learn all about the people
we've befriended

1259
01:33:00,605 --> 01:33:02,405
and the dangers we have faced.

1260
01:33:03,105 --> 01:33:06,205
At times, the world can seem
an unfriendly and sinister place.

1261
01:33:06,405 --> 01:33:10,105
But believe us when we say that there
is much more good in it than bad.

1262
01:33:10,305 --> 01:33:12,505
All you have to do
is look hard enough.

1263
01:33:13,305 --> 01:33:15,905
And what might seem to be
a series of unfortunate events

1264
01:33:16,105 --> 01:33:18,705
may in fact be the first steps
of a journey.

1265
01:33:19,705 --> 01:33:22,505
We hope to have you back
in our arms soon, darlings.

1266
01:33:22,705 --> 01:33:26,805
But in case this letter arrives before
our return, know that we love you.

1267
01:33:28,105 --> 01:33:31,005
It fills us with pride to know that
no matter what happens in this life

1268
01:33:31,205 --> 01:33:32,805
that you three will take care
of each other

1269
01:33:33,005 --> 01:33:35,305
with kindness and bravery
and selflessness,

1270
01:33:35,505 --> 01:33:37,205
as you always have.

1271
01:33:37,805 --> 01:33:40,905
And remember one thing, my darlings,
and never forget it:

1272
01:33:41,605 --> 01:33:45,405
That no matter where we are, know
that as long as you have each other,

1273
01:33:45,605 --> 01:33:48,305
you have your family,
and you are home.

1274
01:33:49,205 --> 01:33:50,905
Your loving parents."

1275
01:34:09,705 --> 01:34:13,805
Passing the torch is a rite of passage
that can take many forms.

1276
01:34:14,005 --> 01:34:17,705
But perhaps the least known
and most surprising

1277
01:34:18,205 --> 01:34:20,405
is the passing of a spyglass.

1278
01:34:39,105 --> 01:34:41,705
Dear reader, there are people
in the world

1279
01:34:41,905 --> 01:34:44,605
who know no misery and woe.
And they take comfort

1280
01:34:44,805 --> 01:34:47,105
in cheerful films about twittering
birds and giggling elves.

1281
01:34:49,605 --> 01:34:53,005
There are people who know that
there's always a mystery to be solved.

1282
01:34:53,205 --> 01:34:54,605
And they take comfort in researching

1283
01:34:54,805 --> 01:34:58,105
and writing down
any important evidence.

1284
01:35:00,205 --> 01:35:03,105
But this story is not about
such people.

1285
01:35:03,405 --> 01:35:06,505
This story is about the Baudelaires.

1286
01:35:06,805 --> 01:35:11,105
And they are the sort of people who
know that there's always something.

1287
01:35:11,905 --> 01:35:15,105
Something to invent,
something to read,

1288
01:35:15,305 --> 01:35:18,005
something to bite
and something to do

1289
01:35:18,205 --> 01:35:21,505
to make a sanctuary,
no matter how small.

1290
01:35:32,305 --> 01:35:35,505
And for this reason,
I am happy to say,

1291
01:35:35,705 --> 01:35:40,705
the Baudelaires were
very fortunate indeed.

1292
01:46:15,705 --> 01:46:19,205
Oh, the captain loved
The ladies

1293
01:46:19,405 --> 01:46:21,805
But he dragged himself
A wife

1294
01:46:22,005 --> 01:46:25,605
Now he's wishin' he was fishin'
But he's on the hook for life

1295
01:46:25,805 --> 01:46:27,105
Well, I guess he should not
Ought-er

1296
01:46:27,305 --> 01:46:29,505
But he drowned her
In the water

1297
01:46:29,705 --> 01:46:31,405
And then a flounder
Downed her

1298
01:46:31,605 --> 01:46:33,705
That's why they never
Found her

1299
01:46:39,005 --> 01:46:42,405
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

1300
01:46:42,605 --> 01:46:45,905
Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune

1301
01:46:46,105 --> 01:46:49,405
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune

1302
01:46:49,605 --> 01:46:52,405
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

1303
01:46:52,605 --> 01:46:56,405
It's a loverly, loverly spring

1304
01:47:03,905 --> 01:47:07,205
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along

1305
01:47:07,505 --> 01:47:10,805
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song

1306
01:47:11,005 --> 01:47:13,905
Spring is the springiest time
For a song

1307
01:47:14,105 --> 01:47:17,505
It's a loverly, loverly spring

1308
01:47:17,705 --> 01:47:21,205
In the forest we play
with the rabbits all day

1309
01:47:21,405 --> 01:47:24,805
We visit the birdies
And fishes

1310
01:47:25,005 --> 01:47:28,405
There's nary a care
when there's spring in the air

1311
01:47:28,605 --> 01:47:32,205
The feeling is just
Too delicious

1312
01:47:32,405 --> 01:47:35,805
Rum-buttery buttercups
All in a row

1313
01:47:36,005 --> 01:47:39,305
Trilling and thrilling
And stealing the show

1314
01:47:39,505 --> 01:47:42,405
May is the merriest month
That I know

1315
01:47:42,605 --> 01:47:45,105
It's a loverly, loverly

1316
01:47:45,305 --> 01:47:46,505
La-la-loverly

1317
01:47:46,705 --> 01:47:49,805
La-la-la-loverly spring