1
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,128
Thirty seconds and counting.

2
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,004
Power transfer is complete.

3
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,541
We're on internal power
with the launch vehicle at this time.

4
00:00:18,641 --> 00:00:20,739
T minus 20 seconds and counting.

5
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,020
All the second-stage tanks
now pressurised.

6
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,851
T minus 15 seconds.
Guidance is internal.

7
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,689
Twelve, eleven, ten, 9...

8
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,004
Ignition sequence starts.

9
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:37,528
Six, five, four, three, two, one,

10
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,363
zero. All engines running.

11
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,282
Lift off! We have a lift off.

12
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,568
And so in 1972,

13
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,522
the Atlas Centaur rocket
blasted off from our planet,

14
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,100
a four-stage rocket
that launched a probe

15
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,248
way out into the blackness of space.

16
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,980
The probe would use
the energy from the sun

17
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,180
and the gravitational pull
of our neighbouring planets

18
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,770
to cross our solar system.

19
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,219
That momentum would then carry it on

20
00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,687
into the farthest reaches
of the universe.

21
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,401
The mission, to find intelligent life
similar to ours

22
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,128
out there in deep space.

23
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,020
The probe carried a tablet
which had inscribed on it

24
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,620
the image of us humans,
a man and a woman,

25
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,404
and a map to locate us in the universe.

26
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,843
Stage four disconnects and our probe
is fired on its long journey.

27
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,562
The world wished it bon voyage

28
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,740
and may it find a friend out there

29
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,524
in deep space.

30
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,603
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

31
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,805
Hey! Thank you very much. Thank you.

32
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,480
Thank you, nice to see you.

33
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,140
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

34
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,740
When I interviewed Neil Clarke
for The Book Programme,

35
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,410
I knew he was extraordinary.

36
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,260
Now, with the publication
of his brilliant novel,

37
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,220
reviewers agree he's joined the ranks

38
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,980
of Britain's immortals.

39
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,570
Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.

40
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,811
Um, so I suppose I wanted to start off
by asking you

41
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:59,780
how did you manage such amazing
insight into the soul of modern man

42
00:03:59,881 --> 00:04:02,531
and how do you know
what men and women really want,

43
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,047
just really the whole relationship
between humanity and the cosmos?

44
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:10,250
Yeah, well, I think
I probably achieved that

45
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,006
by looking into my own soul, Catherine.

46
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,780
Um, I studied its flaws,

47
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,406
its potential, its urgent needs.

48
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:19,806
I listened to its cries for help...

49
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:26,209
...and its yelps of anguish
and, um, I...

50
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,220
I spent five long years

51
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,980
in a book which I hoped would throw open
the doors of human perception

52
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,926
and allow us to be engulfed
in a sense of our own futility.

53
00:04:39,255 --> 00:04:41,089
Sorry about this, it's...

54
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,522
Get off! Down!

55
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,412
Ah!

56
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,890
Oh, God.

57
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,206
Go watch TV.

58
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,130
Your dog is barking.

59
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,448
My dog was barking
because you rang the doorbell.

60
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,288
I rang the doorbell
because your dog was barking.

61
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,580
Your lease says no pets.

62
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,887
Well, he is a guide dog.

63
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,380
You're not blind.

64
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,051
I prefer the term
"optically challenged".

65
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,020
You're not optically challenged, either.

66
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,220
Fiona, you live, like, three floors up.
I mean, I don't...

67
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,819
If you don't control your bloody dog,

68
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,288
I am going to get it sent
to Battersea Dogs Home. Right?

69
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,366
- Hmm?
- All right.

70
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,569
Come on, Dennis,
let's go and evacuate your bowels.

71
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,242
Come on, Dennis.

72
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,740
Come on.

73
00:05:48,841 --> 00:05:50,205
- Hi, Neil.
- Hi, Catherine.

74
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,648
Hey, it's funny,
I was just dreaming about you.

75
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:56,340
Really?

76
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,647
Yeah, you were presenting me
with an award for my novel.

77
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,206
Oh, did you deserve it?

78
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,609
Well, I was proud but humble.

79
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,323
Have you finished it,
actually, in real life?

80
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,060
Absolutely, almost, yeah.

81
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,460
Cos last spring you were on chapter...

82
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,860
Yeah, I've renumbered them.
In fact, I've removed them.

83
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,020
- Oh.
- Yeah.

84
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,646
I find the whole concept of chapters
just gets in the way so...

85
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,641
Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.

86
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,649
I want reading it to be like being
sucked into a giant vortex, you know.

87
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,444
- Like going on Facebook.
- Like Facebook, yeah.

88
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,806
That's a good one.

89
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,780
"Like being sucked into a giant vortex."

90
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,521
Dennis, why do you let me
say things like this, hey?

91
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:40,806
Come on.

92
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,405
Hmm. Mmm?

93
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,610
Ah.

94
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,860
- Come on, Ray. It's only 20 quid.
- No, I can't, Neil.

95
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,166
- Yeah, but it can't lose.
- No.

96
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,967
Look, I guarantee you
a 50% return on your money

97
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,411
before the end of classes today.

98
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,060
So when do you make your move on
Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then?

99
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:36,340
Oh, I don't. Turns out she's a bit
literal-minded, no foresight.

100
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,966
Whereas me,
I can see for miles into the future.

101
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,500
A man needs a woman, Neil.

102
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,220
- I've got Dennis.
- Dennis is male.

103
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,298
And he's a dog,
in case you hadn't noticed.

104
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,180
Yeah, well, I don't want
to complicate my life.

105
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,566
This is a tenner!

106
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:55,846
Walk!

107
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,726
Accessing representative
images of earthlings.

108
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:42,100
Communication will be carried on in
the language of the species to be judged.

109
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,059
I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.

110
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,844
- Is that better, Kylie?
- Understanding you now, Sharon.

111
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:56,500
By the power invested in me by the
Intergalactic Council of Superior Species,

112
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,580
I hereby pronounce
a destruction order on the planet Earth.

113
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:04,890
With great respect, Sharon,
we should not pronounce a destruction order

114
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,522
before we've given these earthlings
a chance to prove themselves.

115
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,460
They've penetrated intergalactic space.

116
00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:12,641
Maureen is right.

117
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,004
They're clearly not a superior species.

118
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,330
Look at the way they copulate.

119
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,260
If these earthlings

120
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:26,410
can convince us that they are superior
beings, then they may join our society.

121
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,409
If they cannot, we must eliminate them,

122
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:32,060
for the moral well-being of the entire
Intergalactic Community.

123
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,060
Thank you for explaining it
to me, Sharon.

124
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,321
Not at all, Miss Barker.

125
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,780
No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you.

126
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,700
No, I don't want to see you, either.

127
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,121
We had a great time
last summer but it's over.

128
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,931
What part of over do you not understand?

129
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,690
Thank you for calling. Goodbye.

130
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,966
These questions of yours
make it sound as if I thought

131
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,380
this bloody author
can string two words together.

132
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,060
But he can. It's a wonderful book.

133
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,130
Darling, didn't you read the memo?
We're doing a demolition job.

134
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,820
But it's the best thing he's ever written.
Everyone says so.

135
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,321
That's why we have to pee on it
from a great height.

136
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,449
I want ten new questions,
please, before noon.

137
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,282
Don't you know? She never reads
the books. She hates books.

138
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,340
Why is she presenting
a book programme, then?

139
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,965
I spy trouble. Just...

140
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,140
Look, Catherine,
you may despise her ego,

141
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,720
but that's what people tune in to see.

142
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,844
Not books, not authors, God forbid,

143
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,929
but Fenella's rampant, pulsating,
sexually arousing ego.

144
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,448
No, I think people watch because
it's a book programme and they love books.

145
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,140
Books are finished.

146
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,700
Our job is to provide scandal, gossip
and character assassination,

147
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,326
with a thin veneer
of literary respectability.

148
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,380
Oh, so we're not just selling out, then?
We've sold out?

149
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:58,527
Exactly.

150
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,484
For God's sake, smile.

151
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,089
It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?

152
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,487
What?

153
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,620
The price of pickles. Don't even
look at the marinated herring.

154
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,245
Honestly, you'd be suicidal.

155
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:39,566
I didn't want them, anyway.

156
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,041
Thanks.

157
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:51,120
Um, I also offer support and counselling
on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces.

158
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,330
She's gone.

159
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,451
- The usual test, Sharon?
- The usual test, Kylie.

160
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,486
One earthling will be chosen randomly,

161
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,082
as defined by the Intergalactic
Manual of Good and Evil.

162
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,004
Page 56, paragraph B.

163
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,569
Uh, page 56, paragraph D.

164
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,010
Uh, right.

165
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:24,247
To prove that they understand
the difference between good and evil.

166
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,300
How will they prove it?

167
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,529
They will be given the power
that all superior beings have.

168
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,570
The earthling will be capable
of doing absolutely anything.

169
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,441
What if he uses his power for evil?

170
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,660
The Earth will be eliminated.

171
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,300
But if he uses it for good?

172
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,220
Then we welcome them
to the Intergalactic Community.

173
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,560
Are we ready, gentlemen?

174
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,131
Commencing random
selection of earthlings.

175
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:51,811
Processing...

176
00:13:53,239 --> 00:13:54,401
Processing...

177
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,640
Earthling.

178
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,439
Jolly good!

179
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,060
Wait!

180
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,400
Selected.

181
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,740
The earthling has ten days to prove
he can use absolute power for good

182
00:14:08,841 --> 00:14:11,002
rather than for evil.

183
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,281
God.

184
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:31,961
Fuck you!

185
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:47,260
All they want me to do is help them
sneer at people who write wonderful books.

186
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,728
Well, my producer just wants me
to dig up dirt on Amenhotep III.

187
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,180
I keep telling them he had a kind nature

188
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,406
and lovely hands.

189
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:59,460
I would have loved to spend
an evening with Amenhotep III.

190
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,939
Yeah, except he's been dead
4,000 years, Rosie,

191
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:05,726
and he'd spend all day long
talking about embalming.

192
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,780
Well, find me a good one
that's still breathing.

193
00:15:08,401 --> 00:15:09,820
Tell me about it.

194
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,340
What about Grant?

195
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,860
Oh, well, Colonel Grant
turned out to have issues.

196
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,770
- Issues?
- Yeah, like being clinically insane.

197
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,580
Shame.

198
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,140
Maybe that's overstating it.

199
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:25,290
Uh, just obsessive, possessive
and pathologically jealous.

200
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,206
What about him upstairs?

201
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,259
Oh, he tried to cheer me up
in the supermarket.

202
00:15:31,359 --> 00:15:32,940
Oh, so he's gay?

203
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,201
What?

204
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,168
Well, he's sympathetic,
interested, available.

205
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,611
- That's the way life works.
- No, he's not gay.

206
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,168
He's... very likeable.

207
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,003
Mr Clarke.

208
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,201
Hi.

209
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,100
This is the twelfth time
you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.

210
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,620
Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.

211
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:24,203
Yesterday you had food poisoning.
Friday you thought it was Saturday.

212
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,220
Monday you forgot
to put your clock forward.

213
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,366
Oh, everybody does that.

214
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:32,460
Week last Wednesday it seems you had
an appointment with the Dalai Lama.

215
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,130
Yeah, I showed you the picture.

216
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,684
That had Michael Jackson in it as well.

217
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,004
Well, he's a great man.

218
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,011
Great enough to appear in photographs
when he's dead.

219
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,329
You, Mr Clarke,
are totally irresponsible,

220
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,410
you are idle and you are feckless.

221
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,006
Feckless?

222
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,568
Yes, you are without feck.

223
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,444
If I could replace you, I would.

224
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,340
Yeah, well, so would I.

225
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,364
I just don't have anybody
to replace me with.

226
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,524
You a big skier?

227
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,166
Well, I've had my moments.

228
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,360
Hello, gorgeous.

229
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,081
How about cocktails for two
this evening? Go halves?

230
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,300
Drop dead, Ray.

231
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,404
All right. Think about it
and get back to me.

232
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,561
Knob.

233
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:52,641
- Neil?
- Yeah.

234
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:54,780
If you could do anything,
what would you do?

235
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:59,180
Hello, Neil, love.
Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?

236
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,700
I will have the roast headmaster,
please, Mrs B.

237
00:18:02,008 --> 00:18:03,340
You are a one.

238
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,620
- There you go.
- Thank you.

239
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:10,486
Uh, I'll have the casserole,
please, Mrs B.

240
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,928
You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray.
As long as you don't eat it.

241
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,660
No, I mean, if you could
make anything you want happen,

242
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,180
what would it be?

243
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,250
I would make Dennis regurgitate
my notes from chapter three.

244
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,764
If you could make
something impossible happen.

245
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,689
Intact.

246
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,004
What if you could make someone
worship the ground you walked on?

247
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,940
What, even if she thought
you were a little shit?

248
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,100
Come on, Ray.

249
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,567
That would be taking an unfair advantage
of an innocent girl.

250
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,340
Okay, but suppose
there was one thing you could do

251
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,123
that would change your life
for the better?

252
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,966
Oh, that's easy. I would make
alien spaceships destroy 10C.

253
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,524
That sounded like it was in the school.

254
00:19:14,479 --> 00:19:15,720
Out of the way! Out of the way!

255
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,340
Stand back, stand back.
Stand back, stand back.

256
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:18,646
Now, just stay calm.

257
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,171
Oh, my God!

258
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,606
Who was that?

259
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:35,760
It was the Salubrious Gat
of Galaxy G946 WOT.

260
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,850
Gat, what do you think you're doing?

261
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,445
Just practising, Sharon.

262
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:46,209
We haven't done the judicial review yet.
We may not want to destroy this species.

263
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,860
Who are you kidding?

264
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:53,649
445,349, 722 new alien
species encountered.

265
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,380
Number granted membership

266
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,290
of the Intergalactic Community
of Superior Beings?

267
00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,681
Zero.

268
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,486
We have high standards.

269
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,125
You know you're going to wipe them out.

270
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,163
It all depends on the earthling.

271
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,683
And signs of a recovery
seem as far away as ever.

272
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,940
Hey.

273
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,121
Hello, Dennis.

274
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,847
Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited?

275
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,100
We can now go live
to our reporter Brenda Emmanus

276
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,770
at the scene of the incident.

277
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,050
It was here
at Kinbrook Comprehensive School

278
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,410
that an explosion killed 38 pupils.

279
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,500
A police spokesman said they
could not rule out a terrorist attack

280
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,329
but say there were no connections
with reports

281
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,260
of a UFO sighting in the area.

282
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,805
The head teacher, Mr Robert...

283
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,174
Oh, sure, Dennis,
it was an alien spaceship.

284
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,780
What are you talking about?

285
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,020
If I could make an alien
spaceship destroy 10C,

286
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,460
then I wouldn't be farting around
with this, would I?

287
00:21:00,977 --> 00:21:03,650
I'd just say,
"Dog mess, clean yourself up."

288
00:21:06,782 --> 00:21:08,611
See?

289
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,481
It's just shock.

290
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,089
It's just post-hallucination shock.
That's all it is.

291
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,820
I mean, it couldn't have been
an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?

292
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,163
I mean, it just, I mean,
it couldn't have.

293
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,641
Oh, my God.

294
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,405
That's my notes.

295
00:22:10,602 --> 00:22:12,080
Ah, damn it!

296
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,165
Whisky, go back in the bottle.

297
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,480
See? You see? There's nothing.
It's nothing.

298
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,940
There was nothing. It's nothing.

299
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,530
Whisky, go back in the bottle.

300
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:39,926
Oh, my God.

301
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,330
I have to wave my hand.

302
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:58,609
Whisky, exchange yourself
for another bottle, a single malt.

303
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,844
Hey, come back!

304
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,743
Door, open quick.

305
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,410
Not that quick.

306
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,450
I didn't mean go back to the shop
to get exchanged!

307
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,681
It's closed.

308
00:23:43,397 --> 00:23:45,078
Oh, shit.

309
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,260
- Gotcha!
- Help me, Dennis!

310
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:54,646
- Priority.
- Help me!

311
00:24:07,494 --> 00:24:09,179
Shh, Dennis, be quiet.

312
00:24:09,279 --> 00:24:11,521
Oh, shit.

313
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,369
All right, laddie. You're nicked.

314
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,524
Me be at home having dinner with Dennis.

315
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,881
Oh, yuck! Chumzy!

316
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,487
You say one word about this, Constable,
you'll be on community relations.

317
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:49,930
Oh, my God. 10C!

318
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,082
Uh, let everyone
who died be alive again.

319
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,120
Oh, God.

320
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,487
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
No, I meant everybody in 10C be alive again!

321
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,324
Obviously. Not everyone who's died ever.
Are you crazy?

322
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:46,940
Shit. Shit.

323
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,580
And everybody who died in
the bomb blast that is alive again,

324
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:50,966
be completely uninjured.

325
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,051
Oh, shit, shit, shit!

326
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,563
Uh, okay, me feel better.

327
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,206
Oh, that's better.

328
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,140
Me have a really good idea
about what to do next.

329
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:02,401
Oh, that's a good idea.

330
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,060
Um, let the explosion
never have happened.

331
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,164
No, I mean, if you could make
anything you wanted happen,

332
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,043
what would it be?

333
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,241
I'm sorry, what?

334
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,683
If you could do anything,
what would you do?

335
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,220
That's very weird.
I think I just dreamt that I could.

336
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,367
What?

337
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,260
Do anything. I dreamt that I could just wave
my hand and say such-and-such

338
00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:24,486
and it would happen.

339
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:25,900
So what did you do?

340
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,843
I made alien spaceships destroy 10C.

341
00:26:28,001 --> 00:26:29,081
Good thinking.

342
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,046
I would make Dorothy Pringle
worship the ground I walked on.

343
00:26:34,082 --> 00:26:36,166
You wouldn't be so cruel.

344
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,900
Hello and welcome to Book News,

345
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,924
the show where you get to know
what books are coming to you

346
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,850
and authors get what's coming to them.

347
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,820
What's the truth
under publishers' blurbs?

348
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,820
Why do writers' photographs always
show them looking ten years younger?

349
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,500
You've come to the right place
to find out.

350
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,420
Our first guest tonight
is Mortimer Stanley,

351
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:05,889
whose latest novel is entitled
What You See With Your Eyes Open.

352
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,140
Mortimer, your last novel
was published nearly ten years ago.

353
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,564
It got what they call "mixed reviews"
and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.

354
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,660
What possessed you to write another one?

355
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,728
Well, my wife was dying.

356
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,620
You were estranged, weren't you?

357
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:25,770
Well, yes, but on her deathbed,
she urged me to write another book.

358
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,340
Knowing that she would never
have to read it?

359
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:28,487
Well...

360
00:27:29,279 --> 00:27:32,380
Fenella's complaining that you didn't
tell her about his shoplifting conviction.

361
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,860
Well, he was 14, James.
It's got nothing to do with his book.

362
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,724
Well, neither has the show, Cath.

363
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:41,083
Listen, what upsets Fenella about you
is your integrity.

364
00:27:41,999 --> 00:27:43,968
But me, I quite like it.

365
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,540
Play your cards right,
you could get your own office

366
00:27:48,641 --> 00:27:50,681
with a bigger desk and a view.

367
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:53,961
Um...

368
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,603
Sorry. Excuse me one second.

369
00:28:00,921 --> 00:28:02,524
Mind you, you've gotta play
your cards right.

370
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,180
What the hell are you doing here?

371
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,601
- Don't I get a kiss?
- Please go away.

372
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,331
That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath.

373
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:13,161
This is a wonderful opportunity
for you to get to know the real me.

374
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:14,850
Well... I'm calling security.

375
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,420
No, not just the charming,
high-flying military strategist.

376
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,420
Hello, security?

377
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:21,329
Not the inventor of extreme
rendition, either.

378
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,488
Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405.

379
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,491
Or the mastermind behind
warrantless domestic surveillance.

380
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,443
Just a humble officer who adores you.

381
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,644
Okay, Grant, I appreciate
that you like me...

382
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,885
Like? Like? What do you think,
I'm one of these cardboard cut-outs?

383
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:45,205
Like? No. No, no, no. Adulate. Worship.

384
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,841
Okay, well, I don't adulate
or worship you.

385
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:50,731
I don't even really like you.

386
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,725
So that's why I'm asking you
to just go away and leave me alone.

387
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,369
- So there's some hope?
- No, no, no. There's no hope.

388
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,651
Cath, I came all the way to England
to see you.

389
00:29:01,761 --> 00:29:03,524
Doesn't that show you
how much I care about you?

390
00:29:03,641 --> 00:29:07,140
No, it shows me that you're obsessed.
Obsession's not a quality that I admire.

391
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:08,480
Really?

392
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,322
I think the lady wants you
to go, Colonel.

393
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,209
You work for the BBC, don't you?

394
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,206
I do.

395
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:24,245
You know who ultimately controls
the British Broadcasting Corporation?

396
00:29:27,199 --> 00:29:29,300
A little guy that used to work
down the hall from me

397
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,402
at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

398
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,048
And he did it in his spare time.

399
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,249
I'll catch you later, honey.

400
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:51,364
It was a party. I was doing
a documentary. I was drunk.

401
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:53,251
Judging me.

402
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:04,050
Oh, God.

403
00:30:15,497 --> 00:30:19,460
Let 10C become a model class,
kind and considerate.

404
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:21,426
Oh, and eager to learn.

405
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,607
- Good afternoon, 10C.
- Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.

406
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:41,322
Um, could you all turn to page 73,
please, and read the entire chapter?

407
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:43,488
- What, the whole chapter?
- Yes.

408
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:45,967
- Oh, good.
- How exciting!

409
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:47,844
He's letting us read the whole chapter!

410
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,527
- Great.
- Well, you get on with it, then.

411
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,371
Let the headmaster
be nice to me for a change.

412
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:21,691
And what you did
with the guitar quite beggars belief.

413
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,380
That is not how Kumbaya goes.

414
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,860
Neil. So good to see you!

415
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:29,009
I love what you're wearing.
It really does, it's just a great ensemble.

416
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,900
So similar to what you
were wearing before.

417
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,100
But your laissez-faire attitude
to work is a great counterpoint

418
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:35,780
to my by-the-book approach.

419
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:37,086
Great having you on the staff, Neil.

420
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,260
- Thank you.
- Right.

421
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:40,407
Yeah!

422
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,980
He must love you an awful lot
to fly across the Atlantic.

423
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,321
No, he just can't bear losing anything.

424
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,850
As far as Grant's concerned,
I'm just a piece of lost property

425
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,980
he wants to retrieve
and put back on his mantelpiece.

426
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,321
He was really scary. Crazy.

427
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,100
I had a boyfriend like that once.

428
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:00,900
The sort who wouldn't
take no for an answer.

429
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,500
Did you? What happened?

430
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:04,170
I married him.

431
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:08,980
Mr Eriksson, you know the romance
languages, French, Italian...

432
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,844
Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them.

433
00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:12,844
Well, I was wondering
how they got their name?

434
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:16,527
- It's to do with Rome, ancient Rome.
- It's from the Latin.

435
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,820
So it's just a coincidence
that they sound so romantic?

436
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:24,092
Actually, I'm thinking
of switching to economics.

437
00:32:26,053 --> 00:32:27,737
He is...

438
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,282
Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.

439
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:38,804
Ray.

440
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,088
I can do abso-fucking-lutely anything.

441
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:07,966
Yeah.

442
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:12,083
Me be President of the United States.

443
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:18,446
Hmm.

444
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:20,081
That's funny.

445
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,005
Me be President of the United States.

446
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,580
- Thank God we found you, sir.
- Sorry?

447
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:26,125
We've been looking for you everywhere.

448
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:27,380
Oh, my God!

449
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,642
Help! Help! Guns! They're shooting!

450
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:32,847
Move, move, move! Move!

451
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:40,340
I am sorry about that, Mr President.

452
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:44,540
Now, here are the briefing papers
for Syria, the deficit,

453
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:47,530
Israel and the Middle East,
China, global warming,

454
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,849
unemployment
and the Arctic Wildlife Reserve.

455
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,260
They're shooting!

456
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,806
Me be my old self at home!

457
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:05,882
I can do anything.

458
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,963
Okay, but what do I really want?

459
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,289
Give me a really big dick.

460
00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:23,808
Ouch, not that big, obviously!

461
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,402
Just... Dick, return to the old size.

462
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,140
Oh!

463
00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:37,366
Okay, um... Let me have a penis
that women find exciting.

464
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:42,249
Yeah, it's good, yeah.
Can I have it in white?

465
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:44,725
Right, okay, um...

466
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:47,684
Let me have a really great body.

467
00:34:50,056 --> 00:34:51,662
Wow.

468
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:53,207
No.

469
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:56,729
Um, no, look, no, look,
give me the body of a great man.

470
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,206
What the fuck? Not Albert Einstein.

471
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,362
Let me have the great body of a man.

472
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:15,204
Me be able to see
Catherine from downstairs, now.

473
00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:30,460
Shit.

474
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,190
Let me not be able to see her.

475
00:35:35,393 --> 00:35:37,434
No, I don't mean me go blind.

476
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:39,768
Let me be able to see
but floor be as it was.

477
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:49,006
Uh, Catherine from downstairs,
forget what just happened.

478
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:58,620
Move out of the way.

479
00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:00,609
Thank you. Quiet, please. Quietly.

480
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:14,527
- Um, Ray?
- Hmm?

481
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:18,900
You know earlier on we were talking
about being able to do anything?

482
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,968
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, well, um...

483
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:27,330
This is going to sound kind of stupid
but suddenly I can.

484
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:30,330
- Can what?
- Do anything.

485
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:31,646
Just make things happen.

486
00:36:31,761 --> 00:36:35,367
Things that shouldn't happen,
I just wave my hand and they do.

487
00:36:36,961 --> 00:36:38,166
You feeling okay?

488
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:40,849
Yeah, um, just look.

489
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,126
You, tell us who you were.

490
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:49,564
You'll never believe this
but I was a conjuror!

491
00:36:50,119 --> 00:36:52,487
I went by the name of The Great Alfredo.

492
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,289
Real name was Reg Hoskins.

493
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,540
I did variety, clubs,
private parties, the lot.

494
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:01,369
What is this?
3D projection or something, right?

495
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:03,900
Course, it's all gone now.

496
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,365
- I blame the wogs.
- Hey!

497
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,483
All that black minstrel stuff.

498
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:09,206
Once they started allowing that...

499
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:10,540
That's not me,
that's what I'm saying. It's...

500
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,460
Jews took over the business.
It was never the same again.

501
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,165
Just go and jump out the window.

502
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:17,529
Right-o. Watch this.

503
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:31,207
What...

504
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,251
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.

505
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,220
I could swear it was
the skeleton talking.

506
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,891
- Yeah, it was.
- Okay.

507
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:41,566
Let me see you do another one.

508
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:43,525
Well, what? I can't think of anything.

509
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,526
Oh, come on.
You know, how about some flowers?

510
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,340
Bunch of flowers in my hand.

511
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:54,081
It's pathetic.
How about room be covered in flowers?

512
00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:56,886
Come on, Ray.

513
00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:01,431
Ray. Think of something
more imaginative.

514
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:05,647
Bloody hell, Palmer.
Did you just throw this out the window?

515
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:08,260
Neil. Did you throw this out the window?

516
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:09,620
That's very funny.

517
00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:11,802
What are you doing here?
Go on, get on home. I'll cover for you.

518
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:14,646
Oh, my God.

519
00:38:17,720 --> 00:38:20,087
This is the best sandwich
I've ever tasted.

520
00:38:20,721 --> 00:38:21,881
Told you.

521
00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:24,447
You know what? We could own a racehorse.

522
00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:28,660
Ray, we could own
every racehorse in the world.

523
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:29,921
No shit.

524
00:38:38,880 --> 00:38:41,531
- We win every time?
- They're all ours.

525
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:44,820
Let's forget about the horses.

526
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:46,900
We could have anything, Neil.

527
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,571
Wealth, fame. Women.

528
00:38:50,921 --> 00:38:53,820
We could make any woman
fall in love with us.

529
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,526
Neil, any woman we want.

530
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:00,844
Goodnight, Catherine. See you later.

531
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:06,124
Jump in, babe.

532
00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,607
Kerb crawling is illegal
in this country, Grant.

533
00:39:08,841 --> 00:39:11,580
That doesn't really apply to people
with my security clearance.

534
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:13,205
Besides, how else
are you going to get home?

535
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:14,930
On the Tube. Go away.

536
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:18,540
The London Underground is worse than
anything we ever did in Guantanamo.

537
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:21,260
- You don't deserve that.
- No, I don't deserve this, either.

538
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:24,011
- Please, leave me alone.
- Okay, okay, I get it.

539
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:25,531
But you gotta let me down gently, huh?

540
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:27,321
What does that mean?

541
00:39:28,641 --> 00:39:29,971
Well, there's somebody else, right?

542
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:32,442
No, Grant, that's not
what this is about.

543
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:33,727
It's...

544
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:36,330
You and I are not compatible.

545
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:41,124
So, we could grab some coffee,
sit and talk.

546
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:43,529
What would that even achieve?
There's nothing to talk about.

547
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:47,201
Except for the luxury apartment
I rented for us.

548
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:48,845
It's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral.

549
00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:52,811
Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.

550
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,324
- Here's the key.
- I don't want it.

551
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,140
And when I get you up there,

552
00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:00,164
you're going to think you died
and went to heaven.

553
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:40,260
- Fuck Grant.
- Oh, yeah, fuck Grant.

554
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:41,691
Fuck Grant.

555
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:49,006
Fuck James Cleverill.

556
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:56,569
Fuck all TV producers.

557
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:58,921
Especially ones that say
you can sleep with them.

558
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,940
But if I play my cards right.

559
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,249
Why do I always end up
with the control freaks?

560
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,845
- Or gays.
- Yeah.

561
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:18,608
- Who?
- Him upstairs.

562
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:20,850
Oh, honey, he's not gay.

563
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:24,366
He's attractive. He's kind.

564
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:26,445
Well, then, fuck him.

565
00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:29,564
- No, he's nice.
- No, I don't mean fuck him.

566
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:33,240
I mean fuck him.

567
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,288
- You mean fuck him?
- Yeah.

568
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,928
- What, right now?
- No, not now.

569
00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:45,330
You've got to let me do
your make-up first.

570
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:52,691
Malfunction. Galactic power failure.

571
00:41:53,439 --> 00:41:56,020
Bother, we'll have to suspend the test.

572
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,441
- What?
- This is on the blink, Sharon.

573
00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:02,287
The earthling won't have galactic power
until I get it working again.

574
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:03,680
Botheration!

575
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:07,681
I thought our galactic powers
meant we could do anything?

576
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:15,700
Catherine from downstairs,
be madly in love with me.

577
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:18,206
That was quick.

578
00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:24,085
- Hi.
- Hi.

579
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:26,567
- Um, you're not gay, are you?
- No, no.

580
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:38,483
- Let's go to bed.
- Okay.

581
00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:44,851
Oh, shit!

582
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:48,331
Ow, my leg!

583
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:54,320
Got it.

584
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:58,567
Galactic power
now returning to earthling.

585
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:33,411
Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.

586
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:38,769
I didn't mean be like it is
in Los Angeles right this moment.

587
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:41,420
It's the middle of the night,
for crying out loud.

588
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:43,820
Weather, be like it usually is

589
00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:46,207
in Los Angeles during the day.

590
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:49,369
So pedantic.

591
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,201
All right.

592
00:43:57,560 --> 00:43:59,449
Clothes, get dressed on me.

593
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:05,765
And smarten yourselves up.

594
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:07,647
Better.

595
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,445
Miss Pringle, this really...

596
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:35,840
has to stop.

597
00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:39,369
- Oh, Lord.
- Oh, Lord.

598
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:46,922
Yeah.

599
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,282
Ah. Okay.

600
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:53,020
That was a very interesting... Ow! Ow!

601
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:54,770
Could you just stop that, please?

602
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:58,282
You, stop tapping.
Let's just have a break, shall we? Just...

603
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:01,368
Right, what's next?

604
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:03,380
Ooh.

605
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:06,051
This one's in German. Wow.

606
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:10,489
Let me be able to understand German.

607
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:17,180
What are you talking about, Dennis?

608
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:20,125
Look, just shut up, okay?
I can handle this.

609
00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:23,220
She's not going to ask me to marry her.

610
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:26,700
Or have my children, okay?

611
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:29,849
Dennis, what are you talking about?

612
00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:35,163
That's a good idea, actually.
What are you talking about?

613
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,540
Dennis, be able to talk.

614
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:37,926
Biscuits.

615
00:45:39,881 --> 00:45:41,900
- What?
- Biscuits.

616
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:44,526
Maybe if I make her fall in love with me
like a little bit, you know,

617
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:46,051
so she doesn't want to marry me

618
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,399
- but she would have sex on a regular...
- Biscuits.

619
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:50,491
- For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard.
- What are?

620
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:53,660
Biscuits. Red biscuits, black biscuits.

621
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:55,740
- Nothing else matters.
- Is that all you think about?

622
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,580
Yes, yes! Biscuits.

623
00:45:59,681 --> 00:46:03,287
All right, Dennis,
become a rational, thinking creature.

624
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:06,844
Look, I just can't concentrate on anything
until I've had one of those biscuits.

625
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:09,900
I know it's crazy but that's how it is.
I guess I'm kind of hooked on them.

626
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,780
So please give me just one biscuit,

627
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,531
then I'll be able to think
about something else.

628
00:46:15,240 --> 00:46:16,340
That makes sense.

629
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:18,820
Oh, oh, oh! He's getting the biscuits!
He's getting them! This is it!

630
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:19,967
Yeah!

631
00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:24,180
He's got them.

632
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:27,568
He's got them. He's going to throw one.
Get ready, get ready. Here it comes.

633
00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:29,768
Ah! Mmm. Mmm.

634
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:36,083
God, it must be terrible being a dog.
I never realised you had so many cravings.

635
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,660
- It's no worse than you and that bitch.
- What bitch?

636
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:40,922
The bitch you were shagging last night.

637
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:45,300
Oh, my God. She's not a bitch, okay?
She's a lovely human female.

638
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:46,540
And we weren't just shagging.

639
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,180
Right. Come to think of it, I wouldn't
mind shagging your leg right now.

640
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,442
A little leg dance, huh?
Just above the sock.

641
00:46:51,561 --> 00:46:53,289
- Ah...
- How about it? Come on, Daddy.

642
00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:56,244
I thought I turned you into
a rational, thinking creature.

643
00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:58,807
Rational, thinking creatures
still have desires.

644
00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:00,900
Oh, well, we can soon deal with that.

645
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:02,240
No!

646
00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:05,621
- No, no, don't take my desires away from me.
- Why not?

647
00:47:05,721 --> 00:47:09,167
They're what makes my life worth living.
Biscuits, shagging.

648
00:47:09,280 --> 00:47:11,567
I don't think I like your conversation.

649
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:14,490
But I worship you, master.
I love you so much.

650
00:47:14,600 --> 00:47:16,140
- I can't bear displeasing you.
- I... I know.

651
00:47:16,240 --> 00:47:17,810
- My whole world collapses...
- I know. Yes. I love you.

652
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:18,860
...when you're cross with me.

653
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:20,166
Look, maybe it was better
when you didn't talk.

654
00:47:20,319 --> 00:47:23,483
Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech
now that I can think rationally.

655
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:24,965
That would be so cruel.

656
00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:27,805
- I heard the bell. Somebody at the door.
- Okay, no...

657
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:29,740
- The bell! Hey! The bell!
- No, no. Dennis. Dennis, good dog.

658
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:30,860
- Hello, the bell!
- Dennis... Dennis.

659
00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:32,086
- Hey, hey, somebody.
- Just... Just quiet.

660
00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:34,340
There it goes again.
Hey, hey, somebody at the door.

661
00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,169
Oh, no, have I done
something wrong again?

662
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:38,248
No, just... Just be quiet.
Do you understand me?

663
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:42,140
Yes. Yes, anything to stop you
being angry with me.

664
00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:43,810
The bell! There it goes again!

665
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,020
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

666
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:47,180
Dennis, listen.
Just listen, listen, listen, listen.

667
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:49,169
Be quiet. That is an order.

668
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:51,380
Right. Quiet.

669
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:54,290
I like obeying orders,
especially your orders.

670
00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:57,165
Good. Well, then, shut the fuck up.

671
00:47:57,280 --> 00:47:59,699
Right, right.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah, right.

672
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:04,281
Good boy.

673
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:14,808
Oh, God, I made her do it. I made her
do it... I... okay.

674
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:18,060
- Hi.
- Hey.

675
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:21,004
- Can I come in?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.

676
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:27,100
- So, look, um, about last night...
- Yes.

677
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:29,380
- Is this a bad time?
- No, no. No, no.

678
00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:31,380
Okay. Um, I just...
I don't want you to think

679
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:34,740
that I, um, do that sort
of thing all the time

680
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,380
because... Because I don't.

681
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:40,300
- Um... I was slightly drunk.
- Yeah, well, I mean, naturally.

682
00:48:40,400 --> 00:48:42,260
Otherwise we probably wouldn't have
done the thing with the...

683
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:43,940
- No, no, no, that's not what I mean.
- ...beard trimmer.

684
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:48,045
I mean, I like you. I, um, I've always
really enjoyed talking to you.

685
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:51,562
I just... I probably wouldn't have jumped
on you like that if I hadn't...

686
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:56,041
- Been pissed as a newt?
- Well, sort of.

687
00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:58,900
Yeah, okay. Well, then, let's just forget it.
It never... It never happened.

688
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,809
No, no, no, that's not
what I'm saying, Neil.

689
00:49:01,360 --> 00:49:03,522
Oh, well, um, what did you want, then?

690
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:05,690
Shag her, Neil!

691
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:07,645
That's Dennis.

692
00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:12,140
- Dennis?
- Yeah. He is a plumber.

693
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:15,050
Um, I'm having a few problems
with my waterworks. My water pipes.

694
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:16,366
Shag her, Neil!

695
00:49:17,840 --> 00:49:20,491
I'd better get him the shagger.
It's a special wrench that plumbers use.

696
00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:25,340
I thought I told you to shut up.

697
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:27,602
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, sorry.

698
00:49:27,720 --> 00:49:29,340
You're supposed to be
a rational, thinking creature.

699
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:32,284
Sorry, sorry. Can't help myself. Sorry.
Oh, dear. I wanna shag your leg.

700
00:49:32,399 --> 00:49:34,448
Shh. It's not a great time,
to be honest.

701
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:35,980
Maybe later, if you behave.

702
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:37,140
Oh...

703
00:49:37,240 --> 00:49:41,620
Oh... Couldn't... Couldn't find the shagger,
so he just went with the old decoupler.

704
00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:43,300
I love you, Neil!

705
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:45,528
Shut up, Dennis!

706
00:49:45,840 --> 00:49:47,980
It's odd, isn't it,
shouting at the plumber like that?

707
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:51,460
But, uh, the fact is he's my brother.
The plumber is my brother.

708
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:53,961
Say you love me, Neil.

709
00:49:54,079 --> 00:49:55,180
And we're very close.

710
00:49:55,280 --> 00:49:57,408
- God, Rosie was right.
- Rosie?

711
00:49:57,520 --> 00:49:59,966
Please can I shag your leg?

712
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:03,205
Jesus, Neil, how could you?
The next morning!

713
00:50:03,440 --> 00:50:04,726
What? I...

714
00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:08,380
- Why do I always end up with creeps?
- I'm not a creep!

715
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:11,484
There was a cat, Neil!
Neil! Hey, you, cat!

716
00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:14,380
Stay out of my garden, go on!
Neil, it's a ginger tom!

717
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:18,220
Dennis, be a dumb animal again
for five minutes.

718
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:23,340
So she thinks I'm gay.

719
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,820
I mean, so what, you know?

720
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:29,129
I mean, it means that she won't want to
marry me or have my kids.

721
00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:32,282
Bingo. Problem solved.

722
00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:34,645
Thank you, Dennis.

723
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:42,127
Catherine!

724
00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:47,604
Catherine!

725
00:50:49,960 --> 00:50:52,167
Um, me be on the bus.

726
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:57,924
Ah! I don't mean on the bus.
I mean in the bus.

727
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:03,648
Not in the engine.
In the passenger accommodation!

728
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:07,330
Ow!

729
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:11,641
Hey!

730
00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:13,647
Catherine!

731
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:25,484
Catherine!

732
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:27,330
Catherine!

733
00:51:27,720 --> 00:51:28,780
Whoa.

734
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:30,900
- Ray.
- You've gotta stop Miss Pringle.

735
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:33,731
She's... She's set up shrines
all over the school.

736
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:35,171
There's even a website.

737
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:36,740
Look, you wanted her
to worship you, okay?

738
00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:38,842
- Not like this.
- Ray, I don't have time for this.

739
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:40,849
Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't lost the powers, have you?

740
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:43,201
- No, I haven't lost the powers. Ray.
- You have. You've lost the...

741
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:44,300
- I haven't lost the powers.
- Do the thing.

742
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:45,890
Ray, become a duck.

743
00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:53,920
Ray. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it.
Ray, stop it. Ray, become a sausage.

744
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:58,200
- I haven't lost the powers, Ray, okay? This is...
- Where is he, Neil?

745
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:01,047
Oh. That's his car.

746
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:04,780
Oh. Behold the car of Ray!

747
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:11,100
- Catherine, can we talk?
- No.

748
00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:12,611
But I love you.

749
00:52:12,720 --> 00:52:14,460
You also love Dennis, apparently.

750
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:16,927
- Did you take that off there?
- Uh, no, this is mine.

751
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:18,405
- Yours?
- Yeah.

752
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:20,140
Look, you've got it all wrong
about Dennis.

753
00:52:20,240 --> 00:52:23,859
I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis.
You love him, he loves you.

754
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,042
I'm happy for both of you.
Just don't bring me into it.

755
00:52:26,240 --> 00:52:28,340
Yeah, no, but there's something I need
to tell you about Dennis.

756
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:30,460
You are going to have to pay for that
now that you've touched it.

757
00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:32,140
- It's mine!
- No, it isn't.

758
00:52:32,240 --> 00:52:33,620
Look, I heard what you
said to each other, Neil.

759
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:35,980
Yeah, look. There's something crucial
about Dennis you don't know.

760
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:37,081
- Hey!
- He's not a man.

761
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:38,361
I don't want to hear this, Neil.

762
00:52:38,480 --> 00:52:39,820
I know, but I'm just saying,
he's not a man.

763
00:52:39,920 --> 00:52:41,763
Ow! Ah! Hell's tits!

764
00:52:41,880 --> 00:52:43,220
- You pervert!
- Ow!

765
00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:44,740
You come in here and steal our stuff?

766
00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:45,820
I told you, that's not your sausage.

767
00:52:45,920 --> 00:52:48,140
- It is my sausage. Give it back.
- Get off. Be careful, be careful.

768
00:52:48,240 --> 00:52:49,740
- Just let go!
- Oh, God!

769
00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:52,411
- Give me 80p.
- Fine.

770
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:55,980
- I'll just get your change.
- No, it's... Never mind. It's...

771
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:57,340
Well, no, cos it's £4.20.

772
00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:59,442
- Keep it.
- It's too much for a tip.

773
00:52:59,560 --> 00:53:02,450
- Have it your way.
- I should think so, too. Jesus.

774
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:07,285
Feck. Sausage, become Ray.

775
00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:12,403
Jesus, Neil. Have you any idea
how vulnerable a sausage feels?

776
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:13,886
There he is!

777
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:16,930
I'm off!

778
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,761
- Leave me alone, you nutters!
- Ray! Ray!

779
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,400
Here you go. You must have been hungry.

780
00:53:25,440 --> 00:53:28,808
It's clear he has no idea of doing
any good whatsoever.

781
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:32,940
Why can't we just get on
with the destruction?

782
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:35,100
Because there are rules, Maureen.

783
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:37,020
We must follow galactic procedure.

784
00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:41,808
Rules didn't stop you from eating
the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!

785
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:44,083
They were delicious.
Very crunchy, as I recall...

786
00:53:49,920 --> 00:53:51,649
- Surprise, surprise!
- Oh, my God!

787
00:53:51,760 --> 00:53:53,808
- No!
- Wait. Wait, wait. Catherine!

788
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:56,401
You're crazy, do you know that?

789
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:59,080
Crazy in love, darlin'.

790
00:53:59,240 --> 00:54:01,060
Get out of my flat, Grant.

791
00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:02,650
Well, I can't because
you've locked the door now, babe.

792
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:04,540
Well, then, get out the way you got in.

793
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:07,849
- Oh, honey, come on, now.
- That ain't nice!

794
00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:11,169
Just get out, Grant.
I never want to see you again!

795
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:12,900
Get out of my life!

796
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:14,650
Get out!

797
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:17,220
Come on, now, open the door.

798
00:54:17,320 --> 00:54:19,800
Sorry. Sorry about the noise.

799
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:22,340
At least it wasn't barking.

800
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:24,260
Feck off. Not you.

801
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:25,860
- Walk out the front door, okay?
- Honey!

802
00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:27,860
Then sneak in the back.
Make your way up to my place. No moves.

803
00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:30,420
- No, no, no funny business.
- Come on. Let the love shine through.

804
00:54:30,521 --> 00:54:31,820
You can just stay out of his way

805
00:54:31,920 --> 00:54:33,843
- and I will make you dinner.
- Love me!

806
00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:36,209
- I hate doors!
- All right.

807
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:37,740
But invite Dennis.
We'll behave like grown-ups.

808
00:54:37,840 --> 00:54:39,524
- Catherine?
- Okay.

809
00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:41,369
- Catherine, come back.
- I'm leaving!

810
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:45,644
Okay. I'm coming!
Hold on. Wait for me, now.

811
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:49,780
She's coming to dinner!

812
00:54:49,881 --> 00:54:52,260
This episode looks at doggy fantasies.

813
00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:54,700
Whoa. Hey! It was just about to start.

814
00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:56,860
She's coming to dinner.

815
00:54:56,961 --> 00:54:59,260
- Who?
- Catherine.

816
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:01,044
Oh, the bitch.

817
00:55:01,159 --> 00:55:04,881
Don't call her that, all right?
I don't want you chipping in, either, okay?

818
00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:06,843
Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.

819
00:55:07,240 --> 00:55:08,571
Me? A dumb animal?

820
00:55:08,720 --> 00:55:10,643
Yeah, well, you know
how to pretend, don't you?

821
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:12,140
It's just... It's called acting.

822
00:55:12,240 --> 00:55:14,083
Oh, you mean like when I'm having
my tummy tickled?

823
00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:17,723
- You love having your tummy tickled.
- No, I don't.

824
00:55:18,520 --> 00:55:21,091
- What?
- It's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it.

825
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:25,041
- Why?
- Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?

826
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:26,980
Because they love
having their tummies tickled.

827
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:31,369
Uh-uh. Dogs pretend to like it because
they know human beings like doing it.

828
00:55:32,240 --> 00:55:37,088
Well, just pretend to be
a perfectly ordinary dog, okay?

829
00:55:37,240 --> 00:55:39,500
Can't I join in the conversation
just a little bit?

830
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:42,922
- No.
- That is so cruel.

831
00:55:44,600 --> 00:55:48,260
Somebody at the door! Hey! Hey! It's the bell!
It's the bell! It's the bell! It's the bell!

832
00:55:48,360 --> 00:55:50,761
- I know it's the bell, Dennis.
- Right. No, no, sorry.

833
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:54,406
Just one more peep out of you, okay,
and the flea collar is going back on again.

834
00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:58,020
Right, right, right.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

835
00:55:58,120 --> 00:55:59,360
Bark.

836
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:01,606
Woof.

837
00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:03,451
Do it properly.

838
00:56:03,920 --> 00:56:06,969
Yeah, good. Okay, thank you.

839
00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:08,525
Got it.

840
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:11,100
- Hi.
- Has he gone?

841
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:12,565
No, I don't think so.

842
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:14,883
- Ooh!
- Dennis, down.

843
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:18,260
You named him after the plumber,
then, did you?

844
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:19,771
Uh...

845
00:56:21,240 --> 00:56:24,244
Ah. Do you want your tummy tickled?

846
00:56:24,800 --> 00:56:27,246
Why do dogs like that so much?

847
00:56:28,560 --> 00:56:30,020
I don't know.

848
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:37,619
So the producer promises to take me
out of the general office

849
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:40,166
and give me a big desk with a view,
but he won't.

850
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,643
He's just trying to get me into bed.

851
00:56:46,240 --> 00:56:47,844
What did you want to tell me?

852
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:50,324
Uh, just try this first.

853
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:03,601
Mmm.

854
00:57:06,159 --> 00:57:07,525
Oh, that's incredible.

855
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:13,282
That's the most wonderful thing
I've ever tasted in my life.

856
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:21,100
Mmm. I had no idea you were
such a fantastic cook.

857
00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:24,841
I've... I've... It's unlike anything
I've ever tasted. What is it?

858
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:29,360
I just said, "Let the soup be the most
amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted,

859
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:31,300
"unlike anything she's tasted before."

860
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:34,779
- And it is.
- Really?

861
00:57:34,880 --> 00:57:41,843
Really. I can make things happen.
Anything.

862
00:57:43,080 --> 00:57:44,940
That's what I was trying to tell you
this morning, you know?

863
00:57:45,040 --> 00:57:47,300
I wasn't talking to a live-in
homosexual plumber.

864
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:49,050
I was talking to Dennis.

865
00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:51,848
- The dog?
- Dennis the dog.

866
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:57,408
- Who answered you back?
- Yeah, because I made him talk.

867
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:01,567
- Oh.
- With my powers.

868
00:58:03,080 --> 00:58:04,605
Special powers?

869
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:08,339
I mean, what, you...
You want a bigger desk? You got it.

870
00:58:08,439 --> 00:58:10,249
You want a great view? You got it.

871
00:58:11,240 --> 00:58:15,928
Um... Neil, how long have you had
these special powers?

872
00:58:16,560 --> 00:58:18,340
Well, they came upon me very suddenly.

873
00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:21,762
- Very suddenly?
- Yeah, I was knocked off my bike.

874
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:23,700
Just ask me to do something, anything.

875
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:27,088
- Just, you know...
- Listen, Neil, it's... It's okay.

876
00:58:27,801 --> 00:58:29,180
You can get help with this.

877
00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:30,770
Son of a bitch!

878
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:32,121
Oh!

879
00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:33,811
Shit, Grant!

880
00:58:33,920 --> 00:58:35,081
I'm out of here!

881
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:37,540
- There's nobody else, huh?
- Who is this guy?

882
00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:39,860
She didn't tell you? I'm her fiancé.

883
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:41,644
- You're not my fiancé, Grant.
- Oh, yeah?

884
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:44,020
And you weren't just making out
with this apology of a man?

885
00:58:44,120 --> 00:58:45,406
Stop this.

886
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:47,340
You know how long you'd last
on a battlefield, soldier?

887
00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:48,540
I'm sorry, Neil.

888
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:50,722
- That long.
- I'm warning you.

889
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:53,540
- You're warning me?
- Yeah, I'm warning you.

890
00:58:53,640 --> 00:58:55,220
Who is this guy?

891
00:58:55,320 --> 00:58:57,243
- Why don't you suck on this, asshole?
- Grant!

892
00:58:57,560 --> 00:59:00,380
All I have to do is go like this and...
And say what?

893
00:59:00,480 --> 00:59:03,802
- Where did you find this fruitcake?
- Put that away, Grant.

894
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:06,060
Uh, what can I say?
Grant, become a fairy?

895
00:59:06,160 --> 00:59:08,641
It's Grant, not... Grant.

896
00:59:08,760 --> 00:59:10,728
- Stop it.
- And you're the goddamn fairy.

897
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,700
How about Grant go back
to where you came from?

898
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:15,201
- It's Grant.
- How about kiss my arse, Grant?

899
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:16,940
Neil, don't. He's crazy.

900
00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:20,620
How about you say, "Please, Grant,
don't put a bullet through my brain?"

901
00:59:20,720 --> 00:59:24,611
- Grant, stop it!
- I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me."

902
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:28,380
- Go on, shoot me.
- Oh, my God. You're both crazy.

903
00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:30,540
- He doesn't dare.
- Neil, please, please.

904
00:59:30,640 --> 00:59:33,220
Go on, pull the trigger.
What's the matter, "Grant"?

905
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:34,651
- Shut up.
- Go on, shoot me.

906
00:59:34,840 --> 00:59:36,220
- Neil, he will.
- No, he won't.

907
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:39,220
- Yes, I will.
- No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun.

908
00:59:39,320 --> 00:59:41,322
You little shit!

909
00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:44,899
You're idiots, both of you.

910
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:46,060
I wouldn't do this if I were you.

911
00:59:46,160 --> 00:59:47,161
"I wouldn't do this if I were you."

912
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:48,406
God, I hate the English.

913
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:56,000
Let Grant's arm break
if he tries to throttle me.

914
00:59:56,120 --> 00:59:57,740
Shut up. It's Grant!

915
00:59:57,840 --> 00:59:59,684
Oh!

916
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,580
Help! Help! Help!

917
01:00:01,680 --> 01:00:02,819
Who the heck was that?

918
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:05,002
Uh, that's Dennis.

919
01:00:05,160 --> 01:00:06,207
Ow.

920
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:14,686
It's just a dog! English dick.

921
01:00:15,520 --> 01:00:19,100
- Ow! Ow... Shit! Shit! What happened?
- Yeah, yeah.

922
01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:21,699
- Do you want me to make it better?
- It hurts.

923
01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:23,484
Grant's arm be better.

924
01:00:26,640 --> 01:00:29,212
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what is this?

925
01:00:30,040 --> 01:00:32,008
Grant be stuck on the ceiling.

926
01:00:32,200 --> 01:00:33,565
Oh, shit!

927
01:00:33,680 --> 01:00:34,780
Grant be plastered to the wall.

928
01:00:35,960 --> 01:00:38,100
Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this.

929
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:40,460
Grant be buried head first
in the plant pot.

930
01:00:40,560 --> 01:00:42,050
What do you mean, potted plant?

931
01:00:44,720 --> 01:00:46,882
Grant be standing in front of me.

932
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:54,379
Yeah. You wanna be nice
to me, Grant, okay?

933
01:00:54,479 --> 01:00:55,686
Maybe I can help you.

934
01:00:55,921 --> 01:01:00,403
- You?
- I could make your life absolutely hell

935
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,251
or I could say,
"Grant be holding a million dollars."

936
01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:10,049
Oh, yeah!

937
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:12,686
Or I could say,
"A million dollars, disappear."

938
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:14,601
Fuck! Come on!

939
01:01:15,920 --> 01:01:19,447
I can do anything.
All I have to do is wave my hand.

940
01:01:20,440 --> 01:01:22,681
- You gotta wave your hand?
- That's right.

941
01:01:23,239 --> 01:01:25,900
Isn't he great? I love you.
I love you so much.

942
01:01:26,000 --> 01:01:28,366
- Dennis, keep out of this.
- But you are great, Neil.

943
01:01:28,520 --> 01:01:30,660
- You can do anything.
- Dennis, shut up. I'm not...

944
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:32,888
Master! Neil!

945
01:01:40,680 --> 01:01:44,366
- Hi. Made your mind up yet?
- How about tonight?

946
01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:46,450
Good girl. 8:00, my place.

947
01:01:46,560 --> 01:01:48,961
Yeah. I always pick
the wrong guy, anyway.

948
01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:52,448
Oh, and, uh, I got you a new desk.

949
01:02:28,480 --> 01:02:29,561
Hey!

950
01:02:29,680 --> 01:02:35,060
Well, it's about time. Now, listen up.
When I take that gag out of your mouth,

951
01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:38,323
you're going to say exactly what's on that
piece of paper, you understand?

952
01:02:38,480 --> 01:02:44,123
The moment you say a word that is not on
that piece of paper, I kill the dog.

953
01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:46,650
Don't let him shoot me, Neil.

954
01:02:46,761 --> 01:02:48,524
Understand? Nod if you understand.

955
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:57,485
Okay. Okay. I'm going to take the gag
out now. Remember, one wrong word

956
01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:00,689
and the dog gets it.

957
01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:09,365
Okay, read. Item number one,
let's go. Come on.

958
01:03:09,520 --> 01:03:12,099
"Item number one.
All pasty white Englishmen...

959
01:03:12,199 --> 01:03:15,044
"Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears
and webbed feet?"

960
01:03:18,720 --> 01:03:21,020
- Now wave your hand.
- What?

961
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,724
Wave your hand!

962
01:03:22,880 --> 01:03:24,644
Oh!

963
01:03:27,400 --> 01:03:29,687
Yes! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful.

964
01:03:39,160 --> 01:03:42,164
Neil! Neil!

965
01:03:50,240 --> 01:03:51,571
Neil?

966
01:04:01,360 --> 01:04:02,885
Neil?

967
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:11,082
Oh!

968
01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:13,441
You don't worship me, do you?

969
01:04:13,560 --> 01:04:17,246
What? Ray. You're Ray.

970
01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:20,770
- I can't find Neil.
- Isn't he here?

971
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:22,340
He wasn't at school, either.

972
01:04:22,440 --> 01:04:25,091
Oh, I left him with my crazy,
gun-toting ex-boyfriend.

973
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:28,340
- Neil's got these powers.
- No, I know, I know.

974
01:04:28,440 --> 01:04:29,500
Oh.

975
01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:33,446
He got Miss Pringle to... To worship me
and now she's turned me into a religion.

976
01:04:33,880 --> 01:04:35,962
- They think I'm immortal.
- So what?

977
01:04:36,720 --> 01:04:39,725
They want me to prove it
by rising from the dead.

978
01:04:41,359 --> 01:04:42,771
We've got to find Neil.

979
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,610
Wait.

980
01:04:47,400 --> 01:04:49,641
Hey! Hey!

981
01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:51,645
What are you doing?

982
01:04:54,480 --> 01:04:55,925
No...

983
01:04:57,040 --> 01:04:58,121
Got it.

984
01:04:58,800 --> 01:05:00,300
- Where's your car?
- Why?

985
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:01,606
I know where they are.

986
01:05:04,479 --> 01:05:07,006
It's just out here. We can... Shit!

987
01:05:07,640 --> 01:05:08,820
Lord.

988
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:10,445
Oh, no. Run for it!

989
01:05:11,840 --> 01:05:14,684
Get him! Lord!

990
01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:17,800
Yeah!

991
01:05:17,960 --> 01:05:21,089
This is working beautifully.
Okay, keep going. Number three. Let's go.

992
01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:27,526
Okay. "Three. All British police
to have pink uniforms."

993
01:05:27,640 --> 01:05:29,608
My personal favourite.

994
01:05:32,000 --> 01:05:33,764
Ray!

995
01:05:34,000 --> 01:05:36,480
Lord! Come to us!

996
01:05:37,760 --> 01:05:40,525
Ray! Ray!

997
01:05:45,480 --> 01:05:47,005
What's this all about?

998
01:05:47,800 --> 01:05:51,043
Oi!

999
01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:52,880
Take that off!

1000
01:06:01,680 --> 01:06:02,727
There he is!

1001
01:06:33,641 --> 01:06:38,567
Oh! Oh... Oh, it's beautiful.

1002
01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:40,340
I can't believe it. All right, next one.

1003
01:06:40,440 --> 01:06:42,100
Come on, read.

1004
01:06:42,200 --> 01:06:45,204
"Let all traffic lights be
permanently set on green."

1005
01:06:45,400 --> 01:06:46,765
Come on. That's just...

1006
01:06:46,880 --> 01:06:49,326
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

1007
01:06:49,440 --> 01:06:51,568
Huh? Do it, do it.

1008
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:56,930
Wait. Now, listen.

1009
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:09,050
All right.

1010
01:07:13,640 --> 01:07:15,244
Grant, are you in there?

1011
01:07:15,960 --> 01:07:19,169
Skip to the end. Hurry up.
Just skip to the end!

1012
01:07:20,040 --> 01:07:24,020
Skip to the end. Just...
There. Come on, quick. Read it.

1013
01:07:24,120 --> 01:07:28,011
Uh, uh... okay, okay,
"Item 417, Catherine West..."

1014
01:07:28,320 --> 01:07:29,367
- Come on.
- All right.

1015
01:07:30,320 --> 01:07:31,980
Let them go, Grant.

1016
01:07:32,080 --> 01:07:35,527
Why should I? Go on, Neil.
Read the last item.

1017
01:07:36,280 --> 01:07:41,730
"Item 417, Catherine West be madly, deeply
in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev

1018
01:07:42,280 --> 01:07:44,726
"and leap on him like a tigress
begging for sex."

1019
01:07:47,120 --> 01:07:50,020
- You bastard.
- Now, come on, now.

1020
01:07:50,120 --> 01:07:51,420
Wave your hand. Come on.

1021
01:07:51,520 --> 01:07:53,620
- Neil, don't!
- Or the dog gets it!

1022
01:07:53,720 --> 01:07:54,980
Don't let him shoot me, Neil.

1023
01:07:55,080 --> 01:07:56,445
Come on, wave your goddamn hand!

1024
01:07:56,560 --> 01:07:59,180
But I don't want to love him, Neil.
I don't want to go anywhere near him.

1025
01:07:59,280 --> 01:08:00,850
I don't wanna die.

1026
01:08:02,680 --> 01:08:04,250
Yeah.

1027
01:08:04,800 --> 01:08:09,700
Grant, I love you.
Please, please, let's have sex now.

1028
01:08:09,800 --> 01:08:11,165
Oh, yeah.

1029
01:08:14,280 --> 01:08:15,380
Dennis, be free.

1030
01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:17,060
I'm free! I'm free!

1031
01:08:17,160 --> 01:08:18,260
Please.

1032
01:08:18,360 --> 01:08:20,220
Uh, uh,

1033
01:08:20,320 --> 01:08:21,580
- Grant become a corgi!
- What?

1034
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:22,967
Oh, shit.

1035
01:08:23,080 --> 01:08:24,241
Do it. Do it, Grant.

1036
01:08:25,320 --> 01:08:27,004
Do it, do it!

1037
01:08:27,560 --> 01:08:28,891
Me be free.

1038
01:08:29,681 --> 01:08:32,140
Yes, yes! Master.

1039
01:08:32,240 --> 01:08:34,140
- Yeah.
- You chose to save me rather than that bitch.

1040
01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:37,687
Yeah, don't call her that. Catherine be
her normal self and not in love with Grant.

1041
01:08:39,120 --> 01:08:40,167
Ugh!

1042
01:08:41,640 --> 01:08:43,768
And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.

1043
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:49,860
- Ray!
- Oh, shit.

1044
01:08:49,960 --> 01:08:51,660
Oh, no. Get off me!

1045
01:08:51,760 --> 01:08:52,780
Neil, stop them!

1046
01:08:52,880 --> 01:08:55,380
Lord, show us how to conquer death!

1047
01:08:55,480 --> 01:08:58,006
Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray
the way that you used to.

1048
01:09:01,280 --> 01:09:04,648
- What the hell, Ray?
- It was nothing to do with me.

1049
01:09:05,200 --> 01:09:07,407
Get lost, you creep!

1050
01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:10,245
- Thank you.
- Everyone else, forget about Ray.

1051
01:09:12,840 --> 01:09:15,491
Thanks, Neil. Thanks a whole bunch.

1052
01:09:18,760 --> 01:09:20,300
Ray, could you take me home, please?

1053
01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:21,845
Sure.

1054
01:09:23,640 --> 01:09:25,882
I'm... I'm sorry...

1055
01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:31,529
Any thoughts?

1056
01:09:32,120 --> 01:09:36,444
- Pathetic!
- He has no concept of good or evil.

1057
01:09:36,920 --> 01:09:39,161
Well, the dogs seem all right.

1058
01:09:39,680 --> 01:09:43,969
Yes, yes, the dogs are all right.
It's the people I can't stand.

1059
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:09,340
Oh, hey. Catherine, hi.

1060
01:10:09,440 --> 01:10:12,489
Hey, sorry about the other night.
It was... Can I cook you supper?

1061
01:10:12,600 --> 01:10:14,980
- Uh, no, thanks, Neil.
- I'm doing a whole suckling pig.

1062
01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:17,048
- No.
- Hey, what's the matter?

1063
01:10:17,520 --> 01:10:19,443
Is it because I made you
throw yourself at Grant?

1064
01:10:19,600 --> 01:10:23,764
No. Look, you did what you had to do.
It worked. Forgotten.

1065
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:25,923
Well, what is it, then?

1066
01:10:26,520 --> 01:10:28,761
Do you know what it feels like
to be in someone else's power?

1067
01:10:28,880 --> 01:10:30,370
To have no will of your own?

1068
01:10:30,760 --> 01:10:34,526
Look, I thought that I made you love me.

1069
01:10:35,000 --> 01:10:37,446
- What?
- You know, with my powers.

1070
01:10:39,200 --> 01:10:40,725
Oh, my God.

1071
01:10:42,160 --> 01:10:45,369
Did I really come home early tonight
because I wanted to or did you make me?

1072
01:10:45,800 --> 01:10:48,280
Have I always lived opposite you
or have you somehow rearranged things?

1073
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:52,140
- I'm never going to know.
- Look, I love you.

1074
01:10:52,240 --> 01:10:55,300
How could any woman love a man
who could make her do whatever he wants,

1075
01:10:55,400 --> 01:10:57,846
any second, every day, forever?

1076
01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:02,380
Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never
love you, not in a million years.

1077
01:11:02,480 --> 01:11:04,130
Oh! Catherine...

1078
01:11:10,800 --> 01:11:13,485
Sharon, Sharon, terrible news!

1079
01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:15,540
This is indeed grave news.

1080
01:11:15,640 --> 01:11:18,260
It appears that
the Salubrious Gat has been

1081
01:11:18,360 --> 01:11:20,966
interfering with
our translation devices.

1082
01:11:21,160 --> 01:11:22,571
What's he done, Sharon?

1083
01:11:22,840 --> 01:11:25,380
I'm afraid, Janet, that we have been
calling ourselves

1084
01:11:25,480 --> 01:11:29,007
by foolish-sounding earthling names.

1085
01:11:30,080 --> 01:11:31,844
Female ones, at that.

1086
01:11:32,040 --> 01:11:38,780
It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured
among female earthlings from Australia.

1087
01:11:38,880 --> 01:11:40,166
The shame of it.

1088
01:11:40,360 --> 01:11:44,160
Sharon... I mean,
what should we be calling you?

1089
01:11:44,600 --> 01:11:48,540
Call me the Death-Dealing
Darkness-Bringer.

1090
01:11:48,640 --> 01:11:50,927
Yes, oh, Death-Dealer.

1091
01:11:51,160 --> 01:11:54,767
Great waffles, master.

1092
01:11:55,280 --> 01:11:56,740
Who cares about waffles?

1093
01:11:56,840 --> 01:12:01,562
Catherine hates me. Ray hates me.
Everybody hates me.

1094
01:12:01,961 --> 01:12:04,167
I don't hate you and I
care about waffles.

1095
01:12:04,480 --> 01:12:06,940
I think I like them even more
than biscuits, even red biscuits.

1096
01:12:07,040 --> 01:12:09,646
You know what the worse thing is, Dennis?
This is all my fault.

1097
01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:10,860
Mmm-hmm?

1098
01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:13,660
You know, I was just thinking
about myself, what I could get.

1099
01:12:13,760 --> 01:12:16,899
- Hmm.
- And yet with these powers, you know,

1100
01:12:16,999 --> 01:12:19,367
I could have solved every
problem in the world.

1101
01:12:19,480 --> 01:12:22,900
- I could have made people happy.
- You couldn't make Catherine happy.

1102
01:12:23,000 --> 01:12:27,020
Yeah, because I wanted her to love me.
You know, I was being selfish.

1103
01:12:27,120 --> 01:12:30,169
I mean, take world hunger,
you know? Uh...

1104
01:12:30,400 --> 01:12:32,880
Let everybody in the world have as much
food as they want.

1105
01:12:36,359 --> 01:12:39,887
I mean, take homelessness. Let everybody
in the world have somewhere to live.

1106
01:12:40,080 --> 01:12:42,242
No, no, no, live in their dream house.

1107
01:12:42,520 --> 01:12:46,540
And war, senseless war, over forever.

1108
01:12:46,640 --> 01:12:49,928
Let there be no reason for anyone
to make war on anyone any more.

1109
01:12:50,040 --> 01:12:51,883
Yay!

1110
01:12:52,160 --> 01:12:54,162
Oh, and reverse global warming.

1111
01:12:55,000 --> 01:12:56,411
Has it happened?

1112
01:13:01,480 --> 01:13:04,580
The latest nation to succumb
to the sudden mysterious

1113
01:13:04,681 --> 01:13:07,780
exponential growth in world food
supplies is China,

1114
01:13:07,880 --> 01:13:11,020
where the average weight
is now 300 pounds and rising.

1115
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:14,500
Well, today a party of picnicking
schoolchildren brought down

1116
01:13:14,600 --> 01:13:17,860
a mile-long section
of the Great Wall of China.

1117
01:13:17,960 --> 01:13:20,380
As homelessness becomes
a thing of the past,

1118
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:23,220
the last undeveloped area
of the Sahara Desert

1119
01:13:23,320 --> 01:13:26,660
has become a gated community
known as Beau Geste Towers.

1120
01:13:26,760 --> 01:13:29,340
Property developers are now
converging on Antarctica.

1121
01:13:29,440 --> 01:13:32,649
- Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war.
- Whoa, that was a good one.

1122
01:13:33,360 --> 01:13:34,780
"Let there be no reason to make war..."

1123
01:13:34,881 --> 01:13:36,660
- "To make war on anyone any more."
- "...on anyone any more."

1124
01:13:36,761 --> 01:13:38,620
How could that go wrong?

1125
01:13:38,720 --> 01:13:42,140
For no reason at all,
New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.

1126
01:13:42,240 --> 01:13:43,480
Oh, wow. Oh, dear.

1127
01:13:43,640 --> 01:13:47,540
Barbados has declared war on Somalia.
And in a surprise move,

1128
01:13:47,640 --> 01:13:52,500
the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has
declared war on the entire rest of the world.

1129
01:13:52,600 --> 01:13:55,126
Our war correspondent says
he is unavailable for comment

1130
01:13:55,240 --> 01:13:59,220
because he's too busy covering all
the other wars which have just broken out

1131
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:01,660
for no reason at all.

1132
01:14:01,761 --> 01:14:06,580
A short time ago, scientists were afraid
of constantly rising global temperatures.

1133
01:14:06,680 --> 01:14:08,980
- But none of them have any explanation...
- Oh, my God.

1134
01:14:09,080 --> 01:14:11,020
- ...for this sudden return...
- Global warming.

1135
01:14:11,120 --> 01:14:17,685
...not only to the last ice age but to a
snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.

1136
01:14:18,360 --> 01:14:23,605
On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic
into the Captain Scott gated community

1137
01:14:24,120 --> 01:14:25,580
- have been put on hold...
- Shit!

1138
01:14:25,680 --> 01:14:29,445
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?

1139
01:14:29,560 --> 01:14:31,562
Yeah, but this is just unfair.

1140
01:14:32,480 --> 01:14:34,860
Let everything go back to how it was
before I started trying to make

1141
01:14:34,960 --> 01:14:36,564
everything better for everybody.

1142
01:14:37,480 --> 01:14:40,140
Beautiful though the Earth
looks from space,

1143
01:14:40,240 --> 01:14:44,980
we all know how fragile it is, how much
damage human beings have done to it

1144
01:14:45,080 --> 01:14:48,641
and will, it seems,
continue to do to it.

1145
01:14:50,600 --> 01:14:54,082
Absolute power doesn't corrupt.
It just drives you bloody mad.

1146
01:15:05,160 --> 01:15:08,323
- Tell Catherine I love her.
- Don't do it, master. I love you!

1147
01:15:09,681 --> 01:15:11,683
I've made arrangements
for your biscuits.

1148
01:15:12,160 --> 01:15:13,740
You'll never have to worry
about them again.

1149
01:15:13,840 --> 01:15:15,500
You're the kindest master.

1150
01:15:15,600 --> 01:15:17,728
Just shush, okay? I can't concentrate.

1151
01:15:18,920 --> 01:15:22,925
- Master, don't you love me?
- I can't stand it, Dennis.

1152
01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:25,660
I just... I can't stand
the responsibility.

1153
01:15:25,760 --> 01:15:28,570
You need to get that into
your stupid dog brain.

1154
01:15:28,720 --> 01:15:30,927
Neil!

1155
01:15:34,440 --> 01:15:36,329
I'll save you, master. Here I come!

1156
01:15:40,200 --> 01:15:44,300
Oh, wait a second. I can't swim.
Master, help! Woof!

1157
01:15:44,400 --> 01:15:48,883
Help! Help! Oh, dear. Woof! Woof!

1158
01:15:51,240 --> 01:15:53,891
Oh, there you are. Thank you, master.

1159
01:15:54,200 --> 01:15:56,009
Bless you!

1160
01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,922
You do love me, master.

1161
01:15:59,080 --> 01:16:02,607
Of course I love you, Dennis.
I just don't love myself.

1162
01:16:06,761 --> 01:16:10,162
Time's up! Prime
the Destruction Generator.

1163
01:16:10,280 --> 01:16:11,460
- Hang on.
- What?

1164
01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:13,660
We need to check
if he's passed the test.

1165
01:16:13,760 --> 01:16:17,900
- Well, he did start all those wars.
- That was good.

1166
01:16:18,000 --> 01:16:21,561
- But then he stopped them all.
- But why?

1167
01:16:21,800 --> 01:16:25,930
He said he was trying to make things
better for people.

1168
01:16:27,120 --> 01:16:29,726
That's very appalling.

1169
01:16:30,040 --> 01:16:34,420
The only good is to destroy.
The only evil is weakness.

1170
01:16:34,520 --> 01:16:37,490
Weakness must be annihilated!

1171
01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:42,285
Agreed. Vaporise the earthling
and his wretched planet.

1172
01:16:43,320 --> 01:16:44,699
I told you so.

1173
01:16:44,800 --> 01:16:47,770
Reprime the Destruction Generator.

1174
01:17:18,001 --> 01:17:19,940
Try her again, Neil. Go on.

1175
01:17:20,040 --> 01:17:24,500
- She... She won't have me.
- Then, give up the powers.

1176
01:17:24,600 --> 01:17:27,380
- I can't.
- Then, give them to me.

1177
01:17:27,480 --> 01:17:30,768
You wouldn't have the powers
but you'd know where they were.

1178
01:17:31,320 --> 01:17:33,846
And being a dog,
all I want to do is follow orders.

1179
01:17:33,960 --> 01:17:35,724
I'll do what you tell me to.

1180
01:17:36,760 --> 01:17:39,525
- Dennis, you're a genius.
- Not bad, huh?

1181
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:47,047
Destruction Generator already charged,
Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.

1182
01:17:49,960 --> 01:17:51,660
Commencing destruction.

1183
01:17:57,200 --> 01:18:00,409
It is a curse that our numerals
take so long to pronounce.

1184
01:18:01,040 --> 01:18:03,820
Uh, yeah, it's like, uh,
you just wave your hand, like that.

1185
01:18:03,920 --> 01:18:06,400
I feel it. Wow!

1186
01:18:06,561 --> 01:18:10,360
Yeah. There you go.
So what's it going to be? Biscuits?

1187
01:18:11,320 --> 01:18:12,780
But the power made you miserable.

1188
01:18:12,880 --> 01:18:16,441
Yeah, but I don't have them any more, do I?
Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.

1189
01:18:18,000 --> 01:18:19,206
See?

1190
01:18:21,840 --> 01:18:24,127
What are you thinking, Dennis?

1191
01:18:33,360 --> 01:18:34,540
Forgive me, master.

1192
01:18:34,640 --> 01:18:36,244
What? Wait, wait.
What are you going to do?

1193
01:18:37,840 --> 01:18:40,446
That's the only short one.

1194
01:18:42,399 --> 01:18:47,645
If I have any power, let the source
of that power be destroyed, forever!

1195
01:19:48,280 --> 01:19:51,090
All this marking be suddenly finished
and neatly stacked up.

1196
01:19:54,120 --> 01:19:56,043
Fiona Blackwell, go away.

1197
01:20:02,480 --> 01:20:04,642
Oh, shh, shh. Shush, shush, shush.

1198
01:20:05,840 --> 01:20:08,002
Fiona! How lovely to see you.

1199
01:20:09,920 --> 01:20:12,605
Hey, great news. I got my sight back.

1200
01:20:14,160 --> 01:20:16,481
Hey, I think I hear Catherine.

1201
01:20:21,480 --> 01:20:22,700
- Catherine.
- Hi.

1202
01:20:22,800 --> 01:20:26,805
Hey. Um, look. Letters become cucumbers.

1203
01:20:27,920 --> 01:20:29,969
Us be on the prow of the Titanic.

1204
01:20:30,840 --> 01:20:32,126
I got rid of the powers.

1205
01:20:33,560 --> 01:20:35,244
I'm impressed.

1206
01:20:36,561 --> 01:20:40,565
Yeah. So I thought maybe
we could have some dinner sometime?

1207
01:20:42,440 --> 01:20:45,808
- Yeah, maybe, yeah.
- Okay.

1208
01:20:59,080 --> 01:21:02,527
- How about tonight?
- I'll be down in half an hour.

1209
01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:12,764
We're going out to dinner.
I'll bring you both back a doggy bag.

1210
01:21:13,200 --> 01:21:16,420
- I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut.
- Turn me back, Den.

1211
01:21:16,520 --> 01:21:19,620
I can't. I like you as you are.
Those stubby legs. Look at you.

1212
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:23,566
- I'm not a dog, I'm a man.
- Hey, nobody's perfect.

1213
01:22:15,960 --> 01:22:18,260
This is chewing a biscuit, boss.
I'll try and give you that right now,

1214
01:22:18,360 --> 01:22:19,540
hold one second.

1215
01:22:21,400 --> 01:22:23,340
Oh, red biscuit. Great.

1216
01:22:23,440 --> 01:22:25,841
No! No!

1217
01:22:29,440 --> 01:22:30,660
Oh, got it.

1218
01:22:30,760 --> 01:22:32,648
Licking. Licking somebody.

1219
01:22:34,320 --> 01:22:36,100
This is like porn. Now a shagging noise.

1220
01:22:39,720 --> 01:22:41,420
Oh, look. There's the red bit.

1221
01:22:43,160 --> 01:22:45,049
Oh, there, oh, right, oh...

1222
01:22:46,480 --> 01:22:47,527
I'm done.

1223
01:22:47,800 --> 01:22:49,643
Okay, great.

1224
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:52,001
That's enough chewing biscuits
for fucking half an hour.