1 00:01:47,646 --> 00:01:50,342 Fuck Wolverine. 2 00:01:51,155 --> 00:01:54,111 First, he rides my coattails with the R-rating. 3 00:01:54,136 --> 00:01:58,315 Then, the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. 4 00:01:58,568 --> 00:02:00,271 What a dick! 5 00:02:00,592 --> 00:02:02,513 Well guess what, Wolvie? 6 00:02:02,835 --> 00:02:05,328 I'm dying in this one, too. 7 00:02:08,549 --> 00:02:12,925 To understand why I took a catnap on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel... 8 00:02:12,941 --> 00:02:16,699 I need to take you back to the doody slopes of six weeks ago. 9 00:02:16,715 --> 00:02:19,998 I've gone international. Taking on mass murderers, gangsters, 10 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,882 unspeakable monsters. 11 00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:25,008 People nobody would touch. Except me. 12 00:02:25,016 --> 00:02:27,509 I'm gonna touch them all over. 13 00:02:30,507 --> 00:02:32,328 Hey. It's Gail calling. 14 00:02:32,336 --> 00:02:36,127 Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes. 15 00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:41,744 I don't speak Cantonese, Mister... 16 00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:44,854 Well I'm not even gonna attempt that. 17 00:02:44,862 --> 00:02:47,503 But I did take eighth grade Spanish, so... 18 00:02:47,512 --> 00:02:49,512 Donde esta la biblioteca? 19 00:02:49,528 --> 00:02:51,794 Which literally translates to... 20 00:02:52,703 --> 00:02:55,571 "I don't bargain, pumpkin-fucker." 21 00:03:05,079 --> 00:03:07,236 Uno, dos, tres, quatr... 22 00:03:19,306 --> 00:03:21,721 I'll take a glitter off your glitter fucking vodka. 23 00:03:21,729 --> 00:03:24,222 I know it's called sea breeze. Don't make me say it. 24 00:03:24,761 --> 00:03:26,457 Hit it, Dolly. 25 00:03:43,497 --> 00:03:46,678 Taking the hands off the guns of the criminals. 26 00:03:54,003 --> 00:03:56,457 Do not go in there! 27 00:04:05,910 --> 00:04:08,730 Oh, God! Oh, God! Time out! Time out! 28 00:04:08,762 --> 00:04:12,303 Cut! Just like Cyclops, can't open my eyes. 29 00:04:15,442 --> 00:04:16,793 Fuck! 30 00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:19,756 Scoutmaster Kevin? 31 00:04:26,071 --> 00:04:27,657 Too exotic? 32 00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:33,120 My world tour brought me home to this guy. 33 00:04:33,144 --> 00:04:34,496 Sergei 34 00:04:34,513 --> 00:04:36,248 We'll get to him in a moment. 35 00:04:36,256 --> 00:04:37,841 Because I know what you're thinking. 36 00:04:37,858 --> 00:04:40,429 "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." 37 00:04:40,438 --> 00:04:42,000 But that's where you'd be wrong. 38 00:04:42,016 --> 00:04:44,946 That babysitter of yours, is high as fuck right now. 39 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,521 And believe it or not... 40 00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:49,580 Deadpool 2, is a family film. 41 00:04:49,597 --> 00:04:50,503 True story. 42 00:04:50,512 --> 00:04:54,192 And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. 43 00:04:54,356 --> 00:04:57,233 Bambi, The Lion King, Saw VII. 44 00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,851 Holy shit-pickles. That guy's on fire! 45 00:05:00,876 --> 00:05:04,354 That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah. 46 00:05:04,628 --> 00:05:07,128 You know, you need to take out bad guys, right? 47 00:05:07,153 --> 00:05:10,490 But this guy... He was one of the worst of 'em. 48 00:05:13,234 --> 00:05:16,556 Open up with this fucking door, and let's kill this motherfu... 49 00:05:22,907 --> 00:05:24,907 Ugh... So gross. 50 00:05:25,041 --> 00:05:27,534 A panic room? Really? 51 00:05:27,949 --> 00:05:29,995 Can you come out? 52 00:05:30,223 --> 00:05:33,725 I really have to go. It's my anniversary. 53 00:05:39,086 --> 00:05:42,134 Open up what you feel inside. Just not having enough confidence. 54 00:05:42,164 --> 00:05:45,416 Listen, confidence is not something you have. It's something you create. 55 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,626 And you can create it any moment in time. 56 00:05:47,642 --> 00:05:51,019 A sense of confidence is nothing but a sense of power within yourself. 57 00:05:51,044 --> 00:05:53,606 A sense of certainty that you can pull something off. 58 00:05:53,608 --> 00:05:56,007 And you can create that feeling within you, in a moment. 59 00:05:56,032 --> 00:05:58,414 Start the fucking car! 60 00:06:04,743 --> 00:06:06,440 - Woo! - I shit my pants. 61 00:06:06,465 --> 00:06:08,979 Actually, that may have been me. 62 00:06:08,995 --> 00:06:10,175 Mission accomplished? 63 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,184 Well, George W-sort of way. 64 00:06:12,185 --> 00:06:14,383 Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever. 65 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:17,690 - You are living the dreams, DP. - It has been quite the run, Dopinder. 66 00:06:17,715 --> 00:06:19,042 And who'd have thought? 67 00:06:19,043 --> 00:06:21,545 Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus. 68 00:06:21,570 --> 00:06:24,632 Passion of the Christ, then, me. At least, domestically. 69 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,673 We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion. 70 00:06:27,697 --> 00:06:30,143 I do want to live the dreams, Poolboy. 71 00:06:30,159 --> 00:06:32,652 Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. 72 00:06:32,746 --> 00:06:35,630 - I want to fill my... - Pockets? What's your poison? 73 00:06:35,683 --> 00:06:37,683 Little cookie cokey? 74 00:06:37,808 --> 00:06:40,716 Can't maintain an erection without buying shoes online? 75 00:06:40,755 --> 00:06:43,131 Never experienced that last one. 76 00:06:43,143 --> 00:06:45,812 - Talk to me, - I was going to say, soul. 77 00:06:45,832 --> 00:06:49,849 I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir. 78 00:06:50,021 --> 00:06:51,349 Dopinder? 79 00:06:51,973 --> 00:06:54,090 You never cease to surprise me. 80 00:06:55,145 --> 00:06:58,153 The depth of your heart is extraordinary. 81 00:06:58,178 --> 00:07:02,445 We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home. 82 00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:04,360 - a place... - I want to become a contract killer. 83 00:07:04,385 --> 00:07:06,128 I'm sorry. What did you say? 84 00:07:06,136 --> 00:07:09,777 Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu, and tried to end him... 85 00:07:09,802 --> 00:07:11,123 You kinda killed him. 86 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,882 - Remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? - I don't want to. 87 00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:18,492 When Tom Cruise fed ten-year old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time. 88 00:07:18,517 --> 00:07:22,018 Then she looked up at his smooth, handsome face, 89 00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:25,270 and said, "I want some more". 90 00:07:25,302 --> 00:07:29,412 Oh, Pool, picture me! A ten-year old Kirsten Dunst. 91 00:07:29,898 --> 00:07:32,375 I'll never not picture that. 92 00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:36,462 But I can't wait to never speak of this. As soon as possible. 93 00:07:36,752 --> 00:07:37,971 We're here. 94 00:07:41,151 --> 00:07:44,098 - You're my Tom Cruise. - And you're my Kristen Dunst! 95 00:07:44,123 --> 00:07:45,762 Kristen? Kirsten? 96 00:07:50,681 --> 00:07:52,166 Sorry I'm late. 97 00:07:52,268 --> 00:07:53,802 There was a bunch of... 98 00:07:53,823 --> 00:07:57,425 Handicappable children stuck in a tree. I had to... 99 00:07:57,450 --> 00:07:58,376 You're right. 100 00:07:58,401 --> 00:08:00,401 I was fighting a caped badass. 101 00:08:00,426 --> 00:08:03,681 - Then I discovered his mom was named Martha, too. - No. 102 00:08:04,267 --> 00:08:05,362 Traffic? 103 00:08:06,354 --> 00:08:07,355 Hmm? 104 00:08:08,129 --> 00:08:11,137 - Kiss me like you miss me, Red. - Well, come here. 105 00:08:22,516 --> 00:08:24,727 I wanna shower and get out of this suit. 106 00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:28,194 - Don't you want your surprise? - Do I look like a patient burn victim? 107 00:08:31,188 --> 00:08:34,126 Happy anniversary, baby. 108 00:08:36,346 --> 00:08:37,839 The ski-ball token. 109 00:08:38,189 --> 00:08:40,011 - Our first date. - Yup. 110 00:08:41,207 --> 00:08:43,895 That's genuine high-grade lead. 111 00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:48,514 I'll keep it forever. 112 00:08:49,079 --> 00:08:51,290 Thank you, baby. 113 00:08:52,206 --> 00:08:54,355 Open yours. 114 00:08:55,949 --> 00:08:57,387 Well that's... 115 00:08:57,513 --> 00:08:59,452 That's just the most beautiful thing I ever... 116 00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:00,960 I don't know what this is. 117 00:09:00,976 --> 00:09:02,406 My IUD. 118 00:09:02,689 --> 00:09:03,758 A bomb? 119 00:09:03,783 --> 00:09:06,684 No, dick for brains. My birth control device. 120 00:09:06,995 --> 00:09:08,066 You mean your.... 121 00:09:08,091 --> 00:09:11,348 - Baby factory is open for business. - Oh, my God! 122 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,529 Oh, my God! I want a boy. 123 00:09:14,716 --> 00:09:17,381 Or a little girl. Just really one or the other. 124 00:09:18,617 --> 00:09:20,813 I want our kids to have only one name. 125 00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:22,476 Like Cher. 126 00:09:22,501 --> 00:09:23,634 Or Todd. 127 00:09:24,463 --> 00:09:27,418 - You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy. - Yes, I do. 128 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:30,661 - Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss. - Let's do that. 129 00:09:39,885 --> 00:09:42,401 Does this song sound familiar to you? 130 00:09:44,082 --> 00:09:45,238 May. 131 00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:48,825 Connor? If it's a boy. 132 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,194 May if it's a girl. 133 00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:55,008 So weird. 134 00:09:55,423 --> 00:09:57,605 Family's a lot like an "F"-word to me. 135 00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:02,652 Pile of shit father took off and bailed, and... 136 00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:07,787 It's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd. 137 00:10:09,093 --> 00:10:10,140 Hey. 138 00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:11,867 Look at me. 139 00:10:12,969 --> 00:10:15,001 You are not your father. 140 00:10:16,681 --> 00:10:17,899 Besides... 141 00:10:18,033 --> 00:10:20,471 I will never, ever... 142 00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,278 let our child be named "Todd". 143 00:10:23,913 --> 00:10:26,437 But here's the thing. Isn't that how it always works? 144 00:10:26,777 --> 00:10:28,246 Like in Star Wars... 145 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,693 Men are destined to become their father? 146 00:10:31,138 --> 00:10:34,185 And then have consensual sex with their sister? 147 00:10:34,341 --> 00:10:37,045 I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie. 148 00:10:37,624 --> 00:10:41,640 - No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. - Baby, that's Empire. 149 00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:44,916 The point is, kids... 150 00:10:46,209 --> 00:10:49,191 They give us a chance to be better than we are. 151 00:10:49,244 --> 00:10:51,515 Better than we used to be. 152 00:10:52,457 --> 00:10:55,364 You're a lot smarter than you look. 153 00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:57,615 I'm gonna go make dessert. 154 00:10:57,639 --> 00:11:01,101 You get the strap-on. Let's make a superbaby. 155 00:11:02,108 --> 00:11:04,929 I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way but we can try. 156 00:11:05,585 --> 00:11:08,955 What about Krystal, with a K? 157 00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:10,744 That's too stripper-y. 158 00:11:11,002 --> 00:11:12,743 Kevin with a K? 159 00:11:12,769 --> 00:11:14,950 No. Too stripper-y too. 160 00:11:15,345 --> 00:11:16,790 Earl? 161 00:11:17,127 --> 00:11:21,418 He's gonna go straight to jail if we name him Earl. 162 00:11:22,279 --> 00:11:24,576 What about Bruce? 163 00:11:26,412 --> 00:11:28,624 - Get down. - What? 164 00:11:57,219 --> 00:11:59,634 Baby? Baby? 165 00:12:02,644 --> 00:12:04,449 I'm okay. 166 00:12:04,661 --> 00:12:07,388 Thank God, I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader. 167 00:16:01,265 --> 00:16:04,039 Papa, can you hear me? 168 00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:08,657 Is it just me or does "Do you want to Build A Snowman" from Frozen 169 00:16:08,673 --> 00:16:11,995 sounds suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me" from Yentl? 170 00:16:13,042 --> 00:16:15,043 Papa, can you hear me? 171 00:16:16,978 --> 00:16:19,568 That nobody fucking realizes it. 172 00:16:19,866 --> 00:16:22,737 Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? 173 00:16:22,836 --> 00:16:26,697 You smell like somebody shit in a civil war wound after it had become gangrenous 174 00:16:26,706 --> 00:16:30,379 They should've just amputated it. Why shit in it. It doesn't make any sense. 175 00:16:30,404 --> 00:16:32,169 I love Frozen. 176 00:16:32,256 --> 00:16:35,648 I loved her. I loved her like ocean loved water. 177 00:16:35,780 --> 00:16:38,194 - An ocean is water. - More importantly... 178 00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:39,727 I liked her. 179 00:16:39,891 --> 00:16:41,900 I really liked her, you know? 180 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:47,152 George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck. He's dead too. 181 00:16:47,795 --> 00:16:50,960 - At least we still have Bowie. - Yeah. 182 00:16:51,266 --> 00:16:54,282 We still... have Bowie. 183 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:55,836 I'm sorry. 184 00:16:55,898 --> 00:16:59,290 Shot after shot, it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're... 185 00:16:59,305 --> 00:17:03,385 Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? You're making the face that you make when you're urinating. 186 00:17:03,557 --> 00:17:05,550 - Is he pissing? - I'm on it. 187 00:17:05,575 --> 00:17:07,064 There you go, Dopinder. 188 00:17:07,089 --> 00:17:11,263 You wanna be a contract killer, you're gonna handle a mop before you handle a gun. 189 00:17:11,279 --> 00:17:13,944 Although I don't quite understand how they are all similar. 190 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,624 Well, they both have handles. Now leave me. 191 00:17:17,261 --> 00:17:18,690 Go home, Wade. 192 00:17:18,782 --> 00:17:20,457 I don't have a home. 193 00:17:22,341 --> 00:17:24,967 Whoa. Okay, I'm fine. Honestly, I'm fine. 194 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,210 You know what fine stands for, Wade? 195 00:17:27,218 --> 00:17:30,609 Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. 196 00:17:30,813 --> 00:17:33,290 According to the... 197 00:17:33,658 --> 00:17:35,072 Kubler-Ross. 198 00:17:35,102 --> 00:17:39,956 According to the Kubler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief. 199 00:17:39,981 --> 00:17:42,214 Jesus Christ, Buck. 200 00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:44,754 No more speaking lines for you. 201 00:18:20,190 --> 00:18:24,473 - I'm thinking it over. - Motherfucker! Fuck. 202 00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:30,687 What the hell are you doing here? Don't you know how to knock? 203 00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:33,969 I thought you saw me. With your ears. 204 00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:37,970 - You're lucky I didn't shoot you in... - The wall? The refrigerator? 205 00:18:38,072 --> 00:18:40,580 I'm in so much pain. 206 00:18:42,534 --> 00:18:44,262 I heard the news, sweetie. 207 00:18:44,287 --> 00:18:46,373 I'm very sorry. I am. 208 00:18:46,398 --> 00:18:48,319 What am I gonna do, Al? 209 00:18:48,351 --> 00:18:50,929 Probably something terrible. 210 00:18:51,306 --> 00:18:54,838 - Knowing you. - It was my fault. 211 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,635 I fucking did this. 212 00:18:58,261 --> 00:19:02,481 And all I wanna do is grab her, see her. Tell her that I'm sorry and I can't. 213 00:19:04,233 --> 00:19:06,046 She's gone. 214 00:19:06,128 --> 00:19:09,554 Sweetheart, can you speak up? 215 00:19:09,639 --> 00:19:12,696 It's a little hard to hear you with that pity dick in your mouth. 216 00:19:12,704 --> 00:19:13,907 Now look, sugar. 217 00:19:13,946 --> 00:19:16,783 - You need to just keep living. - Thank you... 218 00:19:16,839 --> 00:19:20,136 Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure. 219 00:19:20,197 --> 00:19:21,783 Listen to the pain. 220 00:19:21,964 --> 00:19:24,980 It's both history teacher and fortune-teller. 221 00:19:25,019 --> 00:19:28,309 Pain teaches us who we'd all be. 222 00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:32,229 Sometimes it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. 223 00:19:32,675 --> 00:19:36,411 But we can't really live 'till we die a little, can we? 224 00:19:37,825 --> 00:19:38,943 Wade? 225 00:19:41,374 --> 00:19:43,694 - Wade? - I'm right here, Althea. 226 00:19:43,719 --> 00:19:48,212 Maybe that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. 227 00:19:48,338 --> 00:19:50,791 You're absolutely right. 228 00:19:53,762 --> 00:19:56,411 I'm about to do something terrible. 229 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,351 There. All caught up. 230 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:05,337 You can't really live until you've died a little. 231 00:20:05,376 --> 00:20:07,744 Let's test that theory, shall we? 232 00:20:39,574 --> 00:20:41,920 I love you, Wade Wilson. 233 00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:45,201 Ness? 234 00:20:46,428 --> 00:20:47,710 Ness? 235 00:20:48,882 --> 00:20:50,030 Ness? 236 00:20:50,209 --> 00:20:53,640 Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you. 237 00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:57,194 Your heart's not in the right place. 238 00:20:57,350 --> 00:20:59,632 Wait. Hold on, what? 239 00:20:59,913 --> 00:21:01,725 Your heart's not in the right place. 240 00:21:01,750 --> 00:21:05,345 Wait, what's that, what do you mean my heart's not in the right place? What does it... 241 00:21:24,525 --> 00:21:28,667 I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. You're broken. 242 00:21:28,769 --> 00:21:32,199 Oh, God. I know that voice. 243 00:21:35,818 --> 00:21:38,967 Heart's in the right place. Heart's not, what does that mean? 244 00:21:38,991 --> 00:21:40,759 You've been sleep for three days. 245 00:21:40,784 --> 00:21:44,079 - I took the liberty of dressing you. - No shit. 246 00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:47,949 - Why can't I fucking die? - Take your mask off, Wade. 247 00:21:48,019 --> 00:21:51,270 We must talk. You need fresh start. 248 00:21:51,699 --> 00:21:54,326 With training, you can be X-Man. 249 00:21:54,351 --> 00:21:56,420 You're wasting your time, shiny Jesus. 250 00:21:56,428 --> 00:21:59,828 - I'm not X-Men material. - Understatement of the year. 251 00:21:59,906 --> 00:22:02,657 Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade. 252 00:22:02,712 --> 00:22:05,439 What, in the fuck-knuckles is this? 253 00:22:05,455 --> 00:22:07,245 She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit. 254 00:22:07,253 --> 00:22:09,980 Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox and Friends. 255 00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:14,419 I'm just surprised anyone would date you. Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. 256 00:22:14,568 --> 00:22:18,461 - I like this guy. - Give him a chance. 257 00:22:18,537 --> 00:22:22,203 - It's great seeing you like this. - Yeah... 258 00:22:22,242 --> 00:22:23,243 Bye, Wade! 259 00:22:23,329 --> 00:22:26,126 Now some ground rules while under our roof. 260 00:22:26,189 --> 00:22:30,847 Rule number one: No killing. Anyone. Ever. 261 00:22:30,872 --> 00:22:32,543 No matter how bad. 262 00:22:32,591 --> 00:22:36,749 Rule two: Label everything in refriger... Wade? 263 00:22:36,991 --> 00:22:38,295 Wade? 264 00:22:39,117 --> 00:22:43,571 Don't try to chase me. Not ready to be touched yet. 265 00:22:43,782 --> 00:22:46,222 All these elderly white men on the walls. 266 00:22:46,247 --> 00:22:48,512 Should've brought my rape whistle. 267 00:22:48,996 --> 00:22:51,810 Those were already damaged after they fell there. 268 00:22:51,934 --> 00:22:56,054 What am I supposed to do around here, anyway. Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? 269 00:22:56,078 --> 00:22:59,077 And how would I do that, exactly, because... 270 00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:01,587 Where the fuck is everyone? 271 00:23:01,612 --> 00:23:03,861 It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage 272 00:23:03,870 --> 00:23:06,175 - Longest Name ever. - Enough! 273 00:23:06,183 --> 00:23:07,824 I said no touching. 274 00:23:08,879 --> 00:23:11,770 What the... fuck. 275 00:23:12,084 --> 00:23:14,569 You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. 276 00:23:14,594 --> 00:23:17,110 They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? 277 00:23:17,135 --> 00:23:20,370 How about that pots with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do in there? 278 00:23:20,395 --> 00:23:23,957 Carry them three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? 279 00:23:23,982 --> 00:23:26,228 No, no, no, no, no. No. 280 00:23:26,244 --> 00:23:29,034 I am not X-men material, at all. 281 00:23:29,089 --> 00:23:30,605 First off... 282 00:23:31,668 --> 00:23:34,622 I'm not even a virgin. Sceond, and more... 283 00:23:35,521 --> 00:23:39,045 I should've left you in the self-pitying mess I found you in. 284 00:23:39,070 --> 00:23:41,929 But this is what friends do. They show up. 285 00:23:41,969 --> 00:23:43,798 Not when convenient or easy. 286 00:23:43,814 --> 00:23:44,947 When hard. 287 00:23:44,986 --> 00:23:48,097 And you always make it hard. 288 00:23:48,315 --> 00:23:50,790 You are unwell. 289 00:23:50,815 --> 00:23:53,770 I'm sticking my neck out for you. 290 00:23:53,777 --> 00:23:56,911 One of the assholes who killed Vanessa got away. 291 00:23:59,451 --> 00:24:02,233 - Jesus Christ. - Wade. 292 00:24:02,295 --> 00:24:06,726 Whoever they are, we track them down and bring them to justice. 293 00:24:06,963 --> 00:24:08,409 It was me. 294 00:24:11,352 --> 00:24:13,728 I'm the asshole who got away. 295 00:24:14,094 --> 00:24:16,837 I killed every last one of them. Except me. 296 00:24:17,009 --> 00:24:19,072 Couldn't kill me. 297 00:24:22,065 --> 00:24:24,230 We were gonna start a family. 298 00:24:25,911 --> 00:24:27,537 We were, uhh... 299 00:24:29,052 --> 00:24:31,084 We were gonna be a family. 300 00:24:31,564 --> 00:24:34,313 Wade, Vanessa is gone. 301 00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,478 She is not coming back. 302 00:24:36,883 --> 00:24:39,440 This may not be family you want. 303 00:24:39,454 --> 00:24:41,861 But, it's family you need. 304 00:24:41,944 --> 00:24:46,000 You have a good heart. It belongs here, where it can grow. 305 00:24:46,399 --> 00:24:48,055 What did you say? 306 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,634 About my heart? 307 00:24:56,527 --> 00:24:59,012 I think I'm in the right place. 308 00:26:12,749 --> 00:26:13,851 Wade. 309 00:26:14,798 --> 00:26:15,947 Wade! 310 00:26:16,010 --> 00:26:20,496 Hey. I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here. Looking deep into the future. 311 00:26:21,111 --> 00:26:24,094 - This thing... - That's not how Cerebro works. 312 00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:25,166 Yes. Yes. 313 00:26:25,597 --> 00:26:28,519 - We have mission. - We have mission. We do. 314 00:26:28,660 --> 00:26:30,724 You do. You guys stay safe out there. 315 00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:34,428 - No. I want you to join. - No. You want me to join. 316 00:26:35,241 --> 00:26:37,609 - I'm sorry. What? - You are ready. 317 00:26:37,636 --> 00:26:39,893 That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly. 318 00:26:39,918 --> 00:26:41,939 You wanna know how I know? I'll give you a hint. 319 00:26:41,964 --> 00:26:45,167 It's on my head and smells like Patrick Stewart. 320 00:26:45,197 --> 00:26:47,301 Be at the X-jet in five. 321 00:26:49,961 --> 00:26:52,587 Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. 322 00:26:52,610 --> 00:26:57,340 Live here on a breaking news situation at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation. 323 00:26:57,380 --> 00:27:02,419 A mutant boy is appearing to have some sort of an incident with police here behind me. 324 00:27:02,444 --> 00:27:05,502 There are two police vehicles that are overturned... 325 00:27:06,103 --> 00:27:08,399 A scene of absolute chaos... 326 00:27:08,424 --> 00:27:12,067 I'll burn you! Just stay back. 327 00:27:12,106 --> 00:27:16,138 Get away from me! You wanna fucking die? 328 00:27:31,212 --> 00:27:37,457 It appears as if the X-Men are arriving with, what appears to be a trainee. 329 00:27:37,975 --> 00:27:40,780 Everyone calm down. The pros are here. 330 00:27:41,249 --> 00:27:42,601 We're the X-Men. 331 00:27:42,610 --> 00:27:45,305 A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. 332 00:27:45,331 --> 00:27:47,424 So, respect. 333 00:27:47,449 --> 00:27:49,180 At ease, officer. 334 00:27:50,313 --> 00:27:52,181 What are you doing? 335 00:27:52,322 --> 00:27:53,689 My job. 336 00:27:53,714 --> 00:27:56,644 You're the one who said I was ready and I frankly disagreed with you. 337 00:27:56,669 --> 00:28:00,685 But here we are. Trying to overcome our differences. Like Beyonce says: 338 00:28:00,710 --> 00:28:03,889 "Please. Please stop cheating on me." 339 00:28:03,913 --> 00:28:04,913 Hey! 340 00:28:04,998 --> 00:28:06,468 This is the fifth incident. 341 00:28:06,492 --> 00:28:08,711 This kid needs to be in the Icebox. Not here. 342 00:28:08,728 --> 00:28:11,670 Russell belongs in our care. Not in prison. 343 00:28:11,695 --> 00:28:14,133 I assure you, we have everything under control. 344 00:28:14,149 --> 00:28:17,940 Not getting a real "under control" vibe here, Marty. 345 00:28:17,948 --> 00:28:19,668 - It is Glenn, isn't it? - Daniel. 346 00:28:19,693 --> 00:28:22,450 I'll ask the questions. Let me talk to the kid. 347 00:28:22,473 --> 00:28:25,278 You stay here wth your weird... 348 00:28:25,303 --> 00:28:27,068 Secret sex lips. 349 00:28:28,939 --> 00:28:32,064 - You wanna die? - He's so adorable. Dunno why I packed a hollow point. 350 00:28:32,089 --> 00:28:36,403 - I'll burn your balls off. - First day. I'm so nervous. 351 00:28:36,812 --> 00:28:38,548 Did you just say hollow points? 352 00:28:38,573 --> 00:28:42,159 Yeah. Probably should've brought a super soaker. 353 00:28:42,510 --> 00:28:43,995 Hi, there. 354 00:28:44,996 --> 00:28:48,162 Stay back, or Justin Bieber dies. 355 00:28:48,404 --> 00:28:51,366 Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber. 356 00:28:52,428 --> 00:28:55,437 Wait, wait. Okay, let's not do... 357 00:28:55,509 --> 00:28:57,377 Whatever that is. Okay? 358 00:28:57,402 --> 00:29:00,231 Let's just talk. It's Russell. Right? 359 00:29:00,300 --> 00:29:02,482 - Firefist. - Firefist! 360 00:29:02,513 --> 00:29:04,155 That's a great name. 361 00:29:04,180 --> 00:29:07,017 Where does it burn? Just the fist or all the way up to the elbow? 362 00:29:11,868 --> 00:29:13,586 Definitely all the way up to the elbow. 363 00:29:13,603 --> 00:29:16,690 Come quietly. Or there will be trouble. 364 00:29:16,823 --> 00:29:18,918 - You stole that from Robocop. - Robocop! 365 00:29:19,081 --> 00:29:22,394 Just stand down. You're embarassing me. Look! 366 00:29:22,464 --> 00:29:25,090 Firefi... Fire...! 367 00:29:25,795 --> 00:29:28,811 I can't say it. I'm so sorry! 368 00:29:32,977 --> 00:29:35,853 Shit. That fucking does it! 369 00:29:35,869 --> 00:29:39,042 Put your hands behind your knees and get down in your head, now! 370 00:29:39,067 --> 00:29:39,880 Wade! 371 00:29:39,905 --> 00:29:41,200 What was first rule? 372 00:29:41,208 --> 00:29:42,896 Label everything in the refrigerator! 373 00:29:42,921 --> 00:29:45,992 - Do not escalate! - Rules are meant to be broken! 374 00:29:46,017 --> 00:29:49,392 That's the exact opposite of what they are meant for! 375 00:29:49,563 --> 00:29:51,283 Fuck! Fine. 376 00:29:51,635 --> 00:29:53,283 I'll start from the beginning. 377 00:29:53,299 --> 00:29:56,856 - My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. - Trainee! 378 00:29:57,488 --> 00:29:59,278 I get it. 379 00:29:59,677 --> 00:30:01,732 All right? You're scared. 380 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,053 Alone. 381 00:30:03,210 --> 00:30:06,929 You got no family? I didn't have a family. You live in this dump? Well guess what? 382 00:30:06,954 --> 00:30:09,423 I used to live in a shithole just like it. 383 00:30:09,486 --> 00:30:10,838 But you know something? 384 00:30:10,863 --> 00:30:12,409 I think that is worse. 385 00:30:12,434 --> 00:30:15,176 It's a confusing time in your life right now. Your body... 386 00:30:15,239 --> 00:30:17,748 Is going through some fiery changes. 387 00:30:17,795 --> 00:30:20,350 Too far. I went too far. 388 00:30:26,744 --> 00:30:28,933 That was effervescent. 389 00:30:29,580 --> 00:30:33,151 Stay in school kid. Or don't. I didn't. 390 00:30:33,190 --> 00:30:36,192 - I'm an X-Man. - Trainee. 391 00:30:36,255 --> 00:30:39,700 Fuck it. Superhero landing coming up. 392 00:30:43,468 --> 00:30:46,898 Fuck, fuck, fuck. That's so impractical. 393 00:31:07,152 --> 00:31:10,379 - I could get used to this X-Men shit. - Trainee! 394 00:31:10,426 --> 00:31:11,568 Trainee! 395 00:31:11,599 --> 00:31:14,896 - Get a collar and restrain him, now. - Calm down, squirt. 396 00:31:14,921 --> 00:31:17,686 It's over. We got ya. 397 00:31:18,635 --> 00:31:19,916 What's that do? 398 00:31:19,948 --> 00:31:21,706 Power dampening collar. 399 00:31:21,722 --> 00:31:24,660 Shuts down all mutant abilities. Can't get it off. 400 00:31:24,676 --> 00:31:26,864 Unless you've got a grenade. 401 00:31:26,889 --> 00:31:29,155 Could've used one of those in the first act. 402 00:31:29,218 --> 00:31:30,625 Thank you. 403 00:31:32,063 --> 00:31:34,431 That was absolutely thrilling. 404 00:31:34,455 --> 00:31:38,706 True heroism in action. We are in your debt. 405 00:31:38,854 --> 00:31:40,668 We can take it from here. 406 00:31:40,693 --> 00:31:44,257 Take me to the Icebox, please. Anywhere is better than here. 407 00:31:44,282 --> 00:31:47,110 Believe me son, you do not wanna go to the Icebox. 408 00:31:47,149 --> 00:31:48,896 Let's get you inside, young man. 409 00:31:48,921 --> 00:31:52,820 No, wait. Wait, you just, you guys stay there. 410 00:32:02,656 --> 00:32:04,525 Those guys hurt you? 411 00:32:05,675 --> 00:32:06,877 Who? 412 00:32:09,168 --> 00:32:12,302 Baldylocks? Jared Kushner? 413 00:32:19,250 --> 00:32:21,547 Fuck it. Four or five moments. 414 00:32:21,572 --> 00:32:24,026 - I'm sorry? - Four... 415 00:32:24,050 --> 00:32:26,410 Or five moments. 416 00:32:27,175 --> 00:32:30,644 That's all it takes to be a hero. 417 00:32:30,801 --> 00:32:33,137 People think you wake up a hero. 418 00:32:33,208 --> 00:32:35,404 Brush your teeth a hero. 419 00:32:35,428 --> 00:32:38,640 Ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. 420 00:32:39,574 --> 00:32:42,223 But no. Being a hero 421 00:32:42,248 --> 00:32:44,802 takes only a few moments. 422 00:32:44,841 --> 00:32:49,389 Few moments doing the ugly stuff no one else will do. 423 00:32:52,643 --> 00:32:53,799 No! 424 00:32:57,605 --> 00:33:00,043 - Wade, what did you do? - Colossus, no! 425 00:33:00,068 --> 00:33:02,475 That kid was abused. You can tell, you can always tell. 426 00:33:02,500 --> 00:33:06,212 We have rules. You are not judge, jury or executioner. 427 00:33:06,228 --> 00:33:09,370 Fuck your rules. I fight for what's right. 428 00:33:09,378 --> 00:33:11,035 And sometimes, you gotta fight dirty. 429 00:33:11,073 --> 00:33:14,652 You let me down for the last time, Wade. 430 00:33:44,304 --> 00:33:46,703 I wonder what gang I'll be in. 431 00:33:48,461 --> 00:33:51,533 Is there like a sorting hat? 432 00:33:56,547 --> 00:33:59,165 Hard left, douchebag. 433 00:34:02,221 --> 00:34:04,144 Please. After you. 434 00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:07,887 Another disgusting mutant off the streets. God bless America. 435 00:34:07,926 --> 00:34:09,566 It's a good to talk a little. 436 00:34:12,818 --> 00:34:15,459 Nighty-night, you annoying prick. 437 00:34:47,715 --> 00:34:51,247 But I'm gonna tell you what the big lie is. 438 00:34:51,326 --> 00:34:52,600 Toilet paper. 439 00:34:52,655 --> 00:34:55,773 Toilet paper is certified appetizer. 440 00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:57,602 But then... 441 00:34:58,262 --> 00:35:00,622 Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. 442 00:35:00,677 --> 00:35:03,936 That's your main course. They're soft. They're moist. 443 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:05,913 They're for babies. 444 00:35:05,992 --> 00:35:10,759 And finally. One more patch of toilet paper made me clear out that excess moisture. 445 00:35:10,778 --> 00:35:13,756 Maybe treat yourself to a glow and go if you can get you a hair dryer. 446 00:35:13,781 --> 00:35:16,538 Just about thirty seconds until you get... 447 00:35:19,437 --> 00:35:20,892 What the fuck. 448 00:35:22,010 --> 00:35:23,377 Year? 449 00:35:24,065 --> 00:35:25,386 What? 450 00:35:26,176 --> 00:35:27,833 What year is it? 451 00:35:28,005 --> 00:35:30,771 What kind of dumbass question is that to ask? 452 00:35:49,288 --> 00:35:52,765 - You're a long way from your superpowers. - Yeah. 453 00:35:52,831 --> 00:35:53,922 Okay. 454 00:35:57,499 --> 00:35:59,656 I wanted to be a superhero. 455 00:35:59,669 --> 00:36:02,240 Always wanted my own supersuit. 456 00:36:02,265 --> 00:36:06,267 - What happened? - When's the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? 457 00:36:06,292 --> 00:36:10,206 Never. The industry discriminates. 458 00:36:10,324 --> 00:36:12,106 Fuck superheroes. 459 00:36:12,145 --> 00:36:13,803 Fuck everyone. 460 00:36:14,091 --> 00:36:16,867 The first thing I'm gonna do when I get out of here... 461 00:36:16,891 --> 00:36:22,260 Burn the Headmaster alive, and then take a selfie with the smoldering corpse. 462 00:36:22,384 --> 00:36:24,769 Who says prison isn't informative? 463 00:36:24,792 --> 00:36:26,785 Fucker hates mutants. 464 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:31,154 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand. 465 00:36:31,201 --> 00:36:33,273 Your abilities... 466 00:36:34,296 --> 00:36:37,343 I know how seductive they are. 467 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,819 Please, no more crying. 468 00:36:47,055 --> 00:36:50,736 Tomorrow, I'll find the biggest guy in here. 469 00:36:51,682 --> 00:36:53,472 I'm gonna make him my b... 470 00:36:56,129 --> 00:37:00,177 - What was that? - That is the biggest guy in here. 471 00:37:00,444 --> 00:37:04,405 Fun fact about the Icebox: though no one's ever seen it, 472 00:37:04,430 --> 00:37:06,720 they keep a monster in the basement. 473 00:37:06,814 --> 00:37:10,845 Right next to a huge steaming bowl of foreshadowing. 474 00:37:10,870 --> 00:37:11,901 Look... 475 00:37:12,785 --> 00:37:15,051 I can't protect you. 476 00:37:15,095 --> 00:37:19,419 With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. 477 00:37:19,433 --> 00:37:22,716 Give me a bow and arrow, and I'm basically Hawkeye. 478 00:37:22,809 --> 00:37:28,178 Now if you'll excuse me, I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits. 479 00:37:28,209 --> 00:37:30,669 I'll start by making us a shank. 480 00:37:30,694 --> 00:37:34,258 - Good listening. - I saw that guard's pen and stashed it in the old, 481 00:37:34,283 --> 00:37:38,501 - prison wallet. If you know what I'm saying? - Prison wallet? 482 00:37:39,628 --> 00:37:42,300 I really hope I don't know what you're saying. 483 00:37:44,106 --> 00:37:47,443 I can hear you rummaging around in there. 484 00:37:51,554 --> 00:37:54,447 Here to update you on the story reported earlier... 485 00:37:54,472 --> 00:37:58,906 After a lengthy stand-off outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation, 486 00:37:58,939 --> 00:38:01,963 two mutants were arrested and transported to the Icebox. 487 00:38:01,979 --> 00:38:04,464 Entering repair mode. 488 00:38:47,385 --> 00:38:49,228 Don't. Don't do that. 489 00:38:49,847 --> 00:38:52,668 What? Why are you winking at me? 490 00:38:56,699 --> 00:38:59,325 - I've got your back. - Oh, my God. 491 00:38:59,350 --> 00:39:02,716 - I said I'm gonna protect you. - Just leave me alone, kid. 492 00:39:03,844 --> 00:39:05,484 Oh, great. 493 00:39:06,541 --> 00:39:09,361 Well. Look at our new friends. 494 00:39:09,391 --> 00:39:12,212 It's nice to see some fresh faces around here. 495 00:39:12,237 --> 00:39:17,137 That's some light catalogue, but really, modelling's just a stepping stone for acting. 496 00:39:17,208 --> 00:39:19,583 I wasn't talking to him. 497 00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:23,143 Have we met? Can't place your moustache. 498 00:39:23,346 --> 00:39:26,035 - Black Tom Cassidy. - White Wade Wilson. 499 00:39:26,082 --> 00:39:29,318 What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation? 500 00:39:29,358 --> 00:39:32,194 You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here. 501 00:39:32,210 --> 00:39:34,757 You don't look like much to me. 502 00:39:34,782 --> 00:39:39,760 First rule of the yard, fuck-face. Find the biggest guy and make him your... 503 00:39:43,156 --> 00:39:48,143 Second biggest guy. The last thing I need is more hepatitis. 504 00:39:48,206 --> 00:39:51,370 It's slippery, too. This table needs a wipedown. 505 00:39:51,395 --> 00:39:53,896 Can we get a wipedown on the table? 506 00:39:54,685 --> 00:39:58,101 - Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. - No I didn't. 507 00:39:58,109 --> 00:40:02,063 - He's my friend. - Zip it. We're not friends. 508 00:40:03,149 --> 00:40:05,705 You're about to get dick-slapped... 509 00:40:16,744 --> 00:40:20,682 I had so much fun. You were like, and I was like... 510 00:40:20,730 --> 00:40:24,521 - Please, let me die in peace. - We make a great team. 511 00:40:25,138 --> 00:40:26,748 We're not a team. 512 00:40:27,764 --> 00:40:31,797 I just saved your back there. We're friends. Partners. 513 00:40:31,860 --> 00:40:34,688 We're not partners. Or friends. 514 00:40:35,762 --> 00:40:39,873 This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. It ends with me dying of cancer. 515 00:40:39,894 --> 00:40:43,561 And you winning the Icebox award for Softest Mouth. 516 00:40:45,424 --> 00:40:49,190 There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. 517 00:40:50,336 --> 00:40:52,844 You wanna survive? 518 00:40:53,732 --> 00:40:58,844 Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here. Make friends with them. 519 00:41:00,282 --> 00:41:02,798 Make friends with someone. 520 00:41:03,150 --> 00:41:05,565 Anyone but me. 521 00:41:05,844 --> 00:41:08,783 Maybe even Black Tim. 522 00:41:08,955 --> 00:41:13,269 Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is he's African-American. 523 00:42:11,501 --> 00:42:13,149 Searching. 524 00:42:13,877 --> 00:42:16,596 Cell 0-4. Located. 525 00:42:17,251 --> 00:42:19,683 The door won't open. 526 00:42:58,206 --> 00:43:00,644 That was our cell. 527 00:43:02,020 --> 00:43:06,373 What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker with a Winter Soldier arm? 528 00:43:14,935 --> 00:43:17,396 Get away from me, kid. 529 00:43:24,522 --> 00:43:26,186 Listen to me, go! 530 00:43:31,094 --> 00:43:33,462 Hello, Russell. 531 00:44:55,919 --> 00:44:58,138 Hello, superpowers. 532 00:45:15,274 --> 00:45:17,047 Who are you? 533 00:45:17,087 --> 00:45:18,462 I'm Batman. 534 00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:39,292 That's got some zip! 535 00:45:46,597 --> 00:45:50,193 Don't do that. Even I can't kill me. 536 00:45:50,318 --> 00:45:51,560 Talk! 537 00:45:51,834 --> 00:45:55,741 What kind of spineless shitstick tries to kill a 14-year old boy? 538 00:45:56,422 --> 00:46:00,564 You might wanna start talking because I got a long history of firing at times like this. 539 00:46:01,549 --> 00:46:06,653 The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away. 540 00:46:08,422 --> 00:46:13,612 So you're from the future. All right, three questions, then. One... 541 00:46:13,655 --> 00:46:15,980 Is dubstep still a thing? 542 00:46:15,990 --> 00:46:20,225 Two. What Sharknado are we on? And three... 543 00:46:20,249 --> 00:46:24,471 At what point do I need to say, enough with the robotic arms? 544 00:47:06,340 --> 00:47:09,786 - Dubstep's for pussies. - You're so dark! 545 00:47:09,825 --> 00:47:12,553 Are you sure you're not from the DC Universe? 546 00:47:12,632 --> 00:47:15,148 They love dubstep! 547 00:47:40,555 --> 00:47:45,189 Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in ninety-ninetynever. 548 00:47:45,635 --> 00:47:49,729 - Something to remember you by. - Give me that back. 549 00:47:49,753 --> 00:47:54,912 That goes with me everywhere. Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack. 550 00:48:03,668 --> 00:48:06,020 Why are you protecting the kid? 551 00:48:06,919 --> 00:48:09,693 I don't give a fuck about him. 552 00:48:09,748 --> 00:48:12,741 He's arguably had a mother complex. 553 00:48:14,194 --> 00:48:16,680 What's this one do? 554 00:48:29,529 --> 00:48:33,593 In every film, is a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. 555 00:48:33,718 --> 00:48:37,220 In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. 556 00:48:37,437 --> 00:48:42,103 In Human Centipede, it was when those people, signed on to be in that movie. 557 00:48:42,148 --> 00:48:46,256 But in this film, well, you're looking at it. 558 00:48:50,711 --> 00:48:52,094 Rock... 559 00:48:55,277 --> 00:48:57,668 Meet bottom. 560 00:49:08,769 --> 00:49:10,035 Ness? 561 00:49:10,950 --> 00:49:12,826 Hey, Ness! 562 00:49:13,272 --> 00:49:16,358 Ness! Can you let me in? Please! 563 00:49:16,499 --> 00:49:18,156 Please. 564 00:49:18,679 --> 00:49:20,640 Oh, Jesus. 565 00:49:23,235 --> 00:49:27,494 You're not giving a lot of direction here. I'm at the end of my rope. 566 00:49:29,443 --> 00:49:31,811 I joined the X-Men... 567 00:49:31,974 --> 00:49:34,358 Went to prison, with a... 568 00:49:37,461 --> 00:49:39,251 With a kid. 569 00:49:41,185 --> 00:49:45,226 Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be. 570 00:49:45,343 --> 00:49:47,124 The kid! 571 00:50:00,314 --> 00:50:03,377 That's exactly what she meant. Your heart needs to be in the right place. 572 00:50:03,432 --> 00:50:07,394 I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone. Ever. 573 00:50:07,957 --> 00:50:11,021 - I need to be selfless. - Yeah. But was does that mean? 574 00:50:11,046 --> 00:50:14,750 It means, I'mma save Russell. 575 00:50:14,820 --> 00:50:18,837 Maybe I couldn't save Nessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand. 576 00:50:18,862 --> 00:50:22,871 Yeah, what I mean is the word selfless. I really don't know what that means. 577 00:50:22,942 --> 00:50:24,824 - Jesus Christ. - Okay. 578 00:50:24,841 --> 00:50:26,896 Look, according to my guy, 579 00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:30,749 those muties are being transferred to a super-max 80 miles away. 580 00:50:30,781 --> 00:50:34,783 - Great. I'll pick them off along the way. - Hold your testicles there, buddy. Okay? 581 00:50:34,808 --> 00:50:39,527 We're talking about an armored convoy. And, a vicious super-soldier from the future 582 00:50:39,552 --> 00:50:43,246 - just looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray. - You know what we need to do? 583 00:50:43,270 --> 00:50:46,303 We need to build a fucking team. We need them tough, 584 00:50:46,328 --> 00:50:50,163 morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10 to 12 years. 585 00:50:50,195 --> 00:50:54,329 - My body is an instrument of death. - Not now, Dopinder. 586 00:50:54,399 --> 00:50:58,463 - I could be of great use. - What's your superpower? 587 00:50:59,983 --> 00:51:01,727 That's adorable. 588 00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:06,986 You had the courage to check and see if there're enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser? 589 00:51:07,011 --> 00:51:09,961 Sorry you had to see that. No, I'm glad you heard it. 590 00:51:10,690 --> 00:51:14,869 All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. But we're not paying medical or dental. 591 00:51:14,916 --> 00:51:17,794 It's time to get back on LinkedIn. 592 00:51:55,033 --> 00:51:58,237 Transport will begin at 0800 hours. 593 00:51:59,464 --> 00:52:02,746 - The fuck you want? - That's my fucking pudding. 594 00:52:02,830 --> 00:52:04,895 Fuck your pudding. 595 00:52:26,072 --> 00:52:27,612 Hello? 596 00:52:29,260 --> 00:52:31,363 I know you're in there. 597 00:52:47,273 --> 00:52:49,883 Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. 598 00:52:50,931 --> 00:52:52,556 Lonely at the top. 599 00:52:53,166 --> 00:52:55,785 They're moving us tomorrow. 600 00:52:57,680 --> 00:53:00,521 Maybe I can get you out of here. 601 00:53:00,908 --> 00:53:04,471 We can make the whole world our bitch. 602 00:53:05,729 --> 00:53:08,713 We need a secret code. 603 00:53:09,964 --> 00:53:13,105 No, that's stupid, Russell. You idiot. 604 00:53:20,569 --> 00:53:24,024 We're a team. We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. 605 00:53:24,103 --> 00:53:27,408 I'm like 2Pac, and you're like Ice Cube. 606 00:53:30,802 --> 00:53:32,546 Terrific. These are all terrific. 607 00:53:32,571 --> 00:53:34,398 Meet Bedlam. 608 00:53:34,423 --> 00:53:36,643 Cool name. Superpowers? 609 00:53:36,695 --> 00:53:39,485 I can distort electrical fields. 610 00:53:39,509 --> 00:53:45,738 Including the one inside your brain. Causing anxiety, confusion, pain. 611 00:53:46,599 --> 00:53:50,039 So basically, you're Dave Matthews. We can use him. 612 00:53:51,211 --> 00:53:54,025 - I'm Zeitgeist. - Cool. 613 00:53:54,127 --> 00:53:57,456 I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the, 614 00:53:57,481 --> 00:54:02,426 - the pulse of society? - No. No, I spit acidic vomit. 615 00:54:03,322 --> 00:54:05,917 - You want me to demonstrate? - No, we'll take your word for it. 616 00:54:05,942 --> 00:54:08,631 Listen, we're all eating at Arby's. Okay? 617 00:54:08,656 --> 00:54:11,305 This is the Vanisher. 618 00:54:14,010 --> 00:54:15,205 But... 619 00:54:16,711 --> 00:54:18,751 Vanisher! 620 00:54:20,526 --> 00:54:22,862 - Nice! - Right? 621 00:54:23,480 --> 00:54:26,371 - He's not here, is he? - He may be running late. 622 00:54:27,887 --> 00:54:31,732 - My name's Rusty but I go by Shatterstar. - That's good. Yeah. 623 00:54:31,757 --> 00:54:34,054 Rusty is... terrible. 624 00:54:34,083 --> 00:54:37,005 - So, where are you from? - The planet Mojoworld. 625 00:54:37,029 --> 00:54:40,749 So you're an alien, I guess. How does that help us? 626 00:54:40,765 --> 00:54:43,704 I'm basically better than you at everything. 627 00:54:43,743 --> 00:54:49,135 For just once I wanna find a planet with people that are worse than me at everything. Whole bunch of functional idiots. 628 00:54:49,217 --> 00:54:52,411 - I'm gonna go there and be their Superman. - Isn't that Canada? 629 00:54:52,436 --> 00:54:55,328 You shut your goddamn trash mouth. 630 00:54:56,501 --> 00:54:58,018 - Meet... - Domino. 631 00:54:58,049 --> 00:55:00,159 - What's your shtick? - I'm lucky. 632 00:55:00,206 --> 00:55:03,215 - If you're so lucky then what are you doing here with us? - I don't know yet. 633 00:55:03,246 --> 00:55:05,950 - What's that supposed to mean? - It means that I don't know yet. 634 00:55:06,005 --> 00:55:10,310 But there's a reason why I'm here. I don't know why I know. Everything usually works out for me. 635 00:55:10,335 --> 00:55:12,898 - Luck isn't a superpower. - Yes, it is. 636 00:55:12,922 --> 00:55:16,227 - No it's not. No-nay. Mario No-pez. - Yes it is. Hmm-mmm. 637 00:55:16,259 --> 00:55:17,260 - Yeah. - Not-cho cheese. 638 00:55:17,276 --> 00:55:19,245 - No, definitely... - There's no way... 639 00:55:19,269 --> 00:55:21,496 - I, sorry I was interrupting you. - No. I interrupted you. 640 00:55:21,504 --> 00:55:24,348 - No, no, no. You can go first. - I was just gonna say, no it's not. 641 00:55:24,370 --> 00:55:27,084 I was gonna just bring it back to that, yes, it is. 642 00:55:27,130 --> 00:55:30,796 - Let's meet in the middle and say no, it isn't. - But it is. 643 00:55:30,843 --> 00:55:31,843 Okay... 644 00:55:32,124 --> 00:55:35,054 - You're hired! - Oh, lucky me. 645 00:55:35,079 --> 00:55:36,532 She's great. 646 00:55:36,946 --> 00:55:39,752 - And last, but not least. - Peter. 647 00:55:41,212 --> 00:55:43,447 Are you cat-fished here? Or... 648 00:55:43,752 --> 00:55:46,996 Any powers you wanna tell us about? Any, uh... Nope? 649 00:55:47,285 --> 00:55:52,146 I don't have them. I just saw the ad and, thought it looked fun. 650 00:55:53,390 --> 00:55:54,467 - You're in. - Yeah. 651 00:55:54,492 --> 00:55:55,594 Fuck! 652 00:56:05,282 --> 00:56:07,017 Let's go! 653 00:56:20,445 --> 00:56:24,047 This is convoy 17. Departing the Icebox. We're inbound. 654 00:56:31,898 --> 00:56:34,672 Peacetime makes people soft. 655 00:56:35,687 --> 00:56:38,087 I was born into war. 656 00:56:39,135 --> 00:56:41,182 Bred into it. 657 00:56:41,503 --> 00:56:44,730 - Okay. - People think they understand pain. 658 00:56:45,284 --> 00:56:48,723 What's the most pain you've ever felt? 659 00:56:49,707 --> 00:56:52,388 - These strains are pretty... - I've done a list. 660 00:56:53,178 --> 00:56:57,750 We're gonna work down it. Together. 661 00:56:58,024 --> 00:57:01,001 Number one, I'm gonna bend something. 662 00:57:01,126 --> 00:57:03,517 Something that was not meant to bend. 663 00:57:03,541 --> 00:57:05,838 Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Because I'm not gonna make it to two. 664 00:57:05,855 --> 00:57:08,925 I won't even make it to one. I don't do well with pain, you know? 665 00:57:08,941 --> 00:57:11,545 I'm done for the day. 666 00:57:11,561 --> 00:57:13,881 I cried when they cancelled Felicity. 667 00:57:13,898 --> 00:57:17,195 Right. I'm really scared, I get nervous erections. I got one right now. 668 00:57:17,211 --> 00:57:20,994 Don't look at it, only make it worse. I don't want you to hurt me and I'll tell you anything, 669 00:57:21,026 --> 00:57:25,135 anything you wanna know. Except for where they are. 670 00:57:25,222 --> 00:57:30,701 Russell's in a convoy heading southbound on Cherry Duggan parkway. The monster's with him. I wouldn't fuck with him. 671 00:57:30,741 --> 00:57:34,804 Intercept the convoy. Grab the boy. Not inappropriately. 672 00:57:34,829 --> 00:57:38,376 Know what, I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. Because he's built a team. 673 00:57:38,401 --> 00:57:42,481 - He's unstoppable. - He has an ass-pen. He'll stab you with it. 674 00:57:42,498 --> 00:57:44,905 Watch out for this guy, Cable. 675 00:57:44,913 --> 00:57:48,375 He's very short. 5'11". Not like in the comics. 676 00:57:48,406 --> 00:57:50,985 And if we succeed, we'll all go home early. 677 00:57:51,010 --> 00:57:54,043 So you go after them Cable. I warn you. 678 00:57:54,567 --> 00:57:56,986 There's a wind advisory in effect. 679 00:58:07,328 --> 00:58:09,571 A little turbulent out there. 680 00:58:16,336 --> 00:58:18,923 I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee, 681 00:58:18,948 --> 00:58:21,627 he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has. 682 00:58:23,127 --> 00:58:26,216 - We're getting close. - As a former X-Man... 683 00:58:26,219 --> 00:58:27,918 - Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam. 684 00:58:27,942 --> 00:58:31,882 I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name. 685 00:58:31,906 --> 00:58:33,828 "X-Men?" Men? 686 00:58:33,867 --> 00:58:38,250 The point is our group will be forward-thinking. Gender neutral. 687 00:58:38,275 --> 00:58:41,573 From now on, we'll be known as... 688 00:58:42,869 --> 00:58:44,424 X-Force. 689 00:58:44,433 --> 00:58:48,872 - Isn't that a little derivative? - I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter. 690 00:58:49,652 --> 00:58:51,434 That wasn't me. 691 00:58:58,127 --> 00:59:02,318 Hang along, we are at 1,300 feet. Intercept the convoy and grab the boy. 692 00:59:02,343 --> 00:59:05,984 - Let's bring on the carnage, baby! - Get me on the ground, watch me go! 693 00:59:06,008 --> 00:59:07,829 - Yeah! - Woo! 694 00:59:09,924 --> 00:59:13,691 I just... I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. 695 00:59:13,716 --> 00:59:16,756 You know, you guys, look amazing. 696 00:59:16,834 --> 00:59:19,631 Vanisher I have no doubt you look amazing, too. 697 00:59:19,656 --> 00:59:22,813 If this is the family that I've always dreamed of having, I had... 698 00:59:23,174 --> 00:59:25,948 Shit. I missed out. 699 00:59:25,979 --> 00:59:27,925 I have struggles with that sometimes. 700 00:59:27,950 --> 00:59:31,608 - I hate to interrupt but is anybody nervous about the hard winds? - Gary. 701 00:59:31,633 --> 00:59:34,361 - My name's Peter. - I realize you're new to this. Relax. 702 00:59:34,386 --> 00:59:37,442 - You've been chosen by a higher power. - Did he just call himself god? 703 00:59:37,474 --> 00:59:39,525 - I think he did. - I'd like to go home. 704 00:59:39,550 --> 00:59:42,471 And I'd like the McRib to be available year-round! 705 00:59:42,496 --> 00:59:43,847 But sometimes... 706 00:59:44,450 --> 00:59:47,787 You think we didn't jump out the plane to get a light breeze? 707 00:59:47,818 --> 00:59:50,139 Cure this shit now, moustache! 708 00:59:50,209 --> 00:59:54,523 I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'll never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. 709 00:59:54,539 --> 00:59:57,860 Hit it! 710 01:00:05,357 --> 01:00:08,662 Go! Go! Go! 711 01:00:42,882 --> 01:00:44,476 Let's get some! 712 01:00:45,845 --> 01:00:47,188 Oh, yeah! 713 01:00:47,213 --> 01:00:50,605 Convoy, 12 o'clock. On my command. 714 01:00:50,793 --> 01:00:53,005 Deploy! 715 01:00:59,434 --> 01:01:01,637 A little off-course here. 716 01:01:02,896 --> 01:01:05,897 Holy mommy fucking shit! 717 01:01:07,007 --> 01:01:11,031 There they are. Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches. 718 01:01:11,899 --> 01:01:14,306 Oh, yeah. That's right, Bedlam. 719 01:01:19,947 --> 01:01:22,713 Motherfucking village! 720 01:01:23,208 --> 01:01:26,599 Shatterstar. Okay. You got this. 721 01:01:27,029 --> 01:01:29,420 Left. Left! 722 01:01:29,436 --> 01:01:32,187 Left, you idiot! 723 01:01:35,592 --> 01:01:39,281 Well, I guess we found something you're not good at. 724 01:01:40,118 --> 01:01:41,500 Vanisher. 725 01:01:41,610 --> 01:01:44,447 Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see. 726 01:01:46,722 --> 01:01:50,332 Really? All right. We can do this with four. 727 01:01:50,762 --> 01:01:53,474 Sugarbear. You got this, buddy. 728 01:01:53,514 --> 01:01:56,796 That's the stuff. That's the X-Force spirit. 729 01:01:56,821 --> 01:02:01,235 Never underestimate a man in a moustache. Just ask anyone in Brooklyn. 730 01:02:01,509 --> 01:02:05,276 - You're a goddamn superhero, you! - X-Force! 731 01:02:05,301 --> 01:02:06,926 X-Force! 732 01:02:16,324 --> 01:02:19,443 - Peter. - I got you. You'll be fine. 733 01:02:19,522 --> 01:02:22,420 You got this big guy. There we go, Peter! 734 01:02:22,476 --> 01:02:26,422 - We're X-Force, right? - We're X-Force! 735 01:02:29,386 --> 01:02:31,722 Oh, my God! What the fuck? 736 01:02:31,754 --> 01:02:34,528 Fucking acidic vomit! 737 01:02:35,576 --> 01:02:38,835 Oh, God. 738 01:02:41,374 --> 01:02:46,024 Okay, I'm over the convoy. Where did the rest of the team land? 739 01:02:46,227 --> 01:02:48,009 Good news and bad news. 740 01:02:48,041 --> 01:02:51,221 The bad news is, the whole team is dead. 741 01:02:51,300 --> 01:02:54,598 The good news is, I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. 742 01:02:54,623 --> 01:02:58,444 - He was a bit of a prick. But Paul! - Peter. 743 01:02:58,475 --> 01:03:00,548 Peter. We'll miss him most. 744 01:03:00,573 --> 01:03:03,605 But there is a slight chance Vanisher could make it. 745 01:03:03,880 --> 01:03:06,904 - Nope. No chance. He's dead. - The whole team? 746 01:03:06,929 --> 01:03:10,352 - Only the main ones, we're still good. - Fuck, you are dumb. 747 01:03:10,377 --> 01:03:15,152 Even after all this time, I still can't talk about it. Who knew these winds would be so strong? 748 01:03:15,177 --> 01:03:19,554 Everyone. Everyone on the helicopter. Everyone not on the helicopter. 749 01:03:27,492 --> 01:03:30,894 They're headed into the tunnel. 750 01:03:31,063 --> 01:03:35,096 I'm that kid's only hope. So sit tight and wait for my word. 751 01:03:35,416 --> 01:03:42,325 - Whatever. We're gonna lose them. I'm dropping in. - That's a negative, sole survivor. Luck isn't a superpower. 752 01:03:42,350 --> 01:03:46,391 - We are so fucked. - No. We are certainly not fucked. 753 01:03:49,259 --> 01:03:52,087 Seriously, I don't get it. 754 01:03:52,112 --> 01:03:54,948 What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes? 755 01:03:56,578 --> 01:04:01,119 It's just hard to picture. It's certainly not very cinematic. 756 01:04:03,463 --> 01:04:06,121 I mean, luck? What coked out, 757 01:04:06,146 --> 01:04:08,521 - Fuck! - glass-pipe sucking, freakshow 758 01:04:08,546 --> 01:04:10,899 comic book artist came up with that little chest turd? 759 01:04:10,924 --> 01:04:14,204 Probably a guy who can't draw feet! 760 01:04:24,258 --> 01:04:26,973 Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. 761 01:04:26,998 --> 01:04:29,490 It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act. 762 01:04:29,515 --> 01:04:31,641 - I'm in. - I'm sorry. What did you say? 763 01:04:31,666 --> 01:04:34,971 - I'm in. - How in the fuck are you in already? 764 01:04:34,996 --> 01:04:39,849 - Oh, shit. Cable, 12 o'clock! - Shit! New plan. 765 01:04:39,874 --> 01:04:43,946 Use all of your imaginary powers to stop Cable from killing that kid. 766 01:04:43,971 --> 01:04:46,432 I'm coming up on your six. 767 01:04:54,905 --> 01:04:57,554 That is amazing! 768 01:05:06,934 --> 01:05:11,092 - Where is he? I can't see him. - He's on top of you! 769 01:05:12,669 --> 01:05:16,256 He's going in through the back! Oh, God, he's inside! 770 01:05:16,281 --> 01:05:19,204 - You hear yourself, right? - Accidental double entendres! 771 01:05:19,220 --> 01:05:23,964 - Russell. Russell Collins! - Hands off that kid, John Connor! 772 01:05:28,226 --> 01:05:30,320 No, no, no, no! 773 01:05:33,523 --> 01:05:35,017 Shit! 774 01:05:56,728 --> 01:05:59,254 Two can play that game. 775 01:06:00,693 --> 01:06:02,873 Got it! No, I don't. 776 01:06:02,898 --> 01:06:06,039 - Showtime, momma! - Lady luck, take the wheel. 777 01:06:43,941 --> 01:06:48,638 - I'd ask who you are but you'll be dead in seconds. - I'm Domino. And doubtful. 778 01:07:04,717 --> 01:07:09,371 Hang in there, Dom! This is really hard. 779 01:07:20,455 --> 01:07:23,260 You give me back my ski-ball token. 780 01:07:25,605 --> 01:07:28,270 - You're doing great. - X-Force! 781 01:07:29,385 --> 01:07:31,840 I guess dubstep never dies. 782 01:07:43,565 --> 01:07:47,425 You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch! 783 01:07:49,200 --> 01:07:51,507 That's unfortunate. 784 01:07:53,491 --> 01:07:56,820 - We got no brakes. - Figure it out. 785 01:08:00,439 --> 01:08:02,807 There's nothing I can't kill. 786 01:08:05,729 --> 01:08:09,065 Somebody knows... karate. 787 01:08:11,398 --> 01:08:14,384 Give me your best shot, one-eyed Willy. 788 01:08:28,116 --> 01:08:29,624 Oww. 789 01:08:30,227 --> 01:08:32,087 Here we go. 790 01:08:32,112 --> 01:08:36,223 - Domino, mind slowing us down? - Here goes nothing. 791 01:09:07,671 --> 01:09:10,312 Knock, knock. 792 01:09:16,639 --> 01:09:19,210 That's my boy. 793 01:09:23,523 --> 01:09:26,391 Holy... ! 794 01:09:35,225 --> 01:09:39,641 I'll be first to admit. This did not go according to plan. 795 01:09:40,672 --> 01:09:44,111 I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon. 796 01:09:44,136 --> 01:09:47,004 Looks like Russell found a new friend. 797 01:09:47,386 --> 01:09:51,887 Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass. And maybe, possibly mildly lucky. 798 01:09:51,939 --> 01:09:55,386 But Cable? Yeesh. That guy's in the mood. 799 01:09:55,675 --> 01:09:59,254 A mood that is about to get significantly worse. 800 01:10:21,819 --> 01:10:24,618 There's something that's terribly, terribly wrong. 801 01:10:30,545 --> 01:10:32,451 Oh, God. That hurt. 802 01:10:41,370 --> 01:10:46,033 Russell? Russell, where are you? 803 01:10:48,568 --> 01:10:49,763 Russell. 804 01:10:49,788 --> 01:10:54,469 Russell, you're okay. Oh, thank Go--- oh, my God! 805 01:10:54,494 --> 01:10:56,221 Juggernaut! 806 01:10:57,201 --> 01:11:01,038 I thought that was you. I shoulda worn my white pants. 807 01:11:01,873 --> 01:11:05,609 You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. 808 01:11:05,844 --> 01:11:09,399 Uncanny X-Men, 103, 4411, 809 01:11:09,461 --> 01:11:11,925 X-Men Unlimited 12, you know it's always 810 01:11:11,950 --> 01:11:16,933 been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent. 811 01:11:16,958 --> 01:11:18,578 I don't mean right now. 812 01:11:18,614 --> 01:11:23,877 - I'm gonna rip you in half now. - That's such a Juggernaut thing to say. 813 01:11:26,791 --> 01:11:28,664 Oh, my God! 814 01:11:28,689 --> 01:11:31,433 Oh, God, I can't feel my legs. 815 01:11:33,284 --> 01:11:36,449 Oh, well. They're right here. Got them. 816 01:11:36,474 --> 01:11:37,255 Russell. 817 01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:39,466 I have a mission. 818 01:11:39,491 --> 01:11:41,429 To get my revenge. 819 01:11:41,454 --> 01:11:45,627 - I'm going to burn that Headmaster alive. - You're not the revenge type. 820 01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:48,893 - Take it from a friend. - Friend? 821 01:11:48,948 --> 01:11:53,223 You were sick and I protected you. You said it yourself. 822 01:11:53,262 --> 01:11:55,425 I'm not your friend. 823 01:11:55,450 --> 01:11:58,294 Find someone stronger, so I did. 824 01:11:59,161 --> 01:12:04,999 Russell, I couldn't protect you back then, but I can now. What do you want me to say, huh? 825 01:12:05,374 --> 01:12:09,626 I care about you? 'Cause goddammit, I care about you, Russell. 826 01:12:09,880 --> 01:12:13,568 What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? Don't you say "legs"! 827 01:12:13,709 --> 01:12:16,843 - I know you're gonna say "legs"! - Legs! 828 01:12:16,868 --> 01:12:19,146 Still hurts to hear out loud. 829 01:12:20,573 --> 01:12:23,848 What is that? What is tha--- That's not a real rope. 830 01:12:23,903 --> 01:12:26,286 You get back here, young man! 831 01:12:26,592 --> 01:12:28,131 Doms... 832 01:12:28,209 --> 01:12:30,591 Doms, get me out of here please. 833 01:12:30,616 --> 01:12:33,743 Use my arms as backpack straps. 834 01:12:35,903 --> 01:12:38,966 Think we may have found your cosmic reason for being here. 835 01:12:39,134 --> 01:12:42,675 - Pretty sure this isn't it. - X-Force. 836 01:12:55,631 --> 01:12:57,811 No child is hopeless. 837 01:12:57,836 --> 01:12:59,383 - Don't give up on the boy. - How could he just 838 01:12:59,408 --> 01:13:03,228 walk away? There was coldness in his eyes. 839 01:13:03,822 --> 01:13:05,946 You should have heard it. 840 01:13:07,612 --> 01:13:10,325 I guess family really is an F-word. 841 01:13:10,665 --> 01:13:12,986 Rub my legs, mama? 842 01:13:13,072 --> 01:13:14,532 Mama not rub your legs. 843 01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:18,066 Please. It hurt. I have growing pains. 844 01:13:20,430 --> 01:13:21,955 What in the? 845 01:13:22,142 --> 01:13:25,073 Why is your hand so tiny, and your... 846 01:13:25,098 --> 01:13:29,240 - That's not my hand. - Oh, Mary mother of Joseph! 847 01:13:29,318 --> 01:13:32,350 - That was nice for me. - Wade! 848 01:13:32,389 --> 01:13:35,218 Hey, I heard what happened with the convoy and... ! 849 01:13:38,049 --> 01:13:40,668 Why wouldn't you cover that up? 850 01:13:40,693 --> 01:13:43,077 A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. 851 01:13:43,102 --> 01:13:47,218 Not if you do it. Look at you, you're just straight-shirt cocking it? 852 01:13:47,249 --> 01:13:50,616 - Toddler-style? - Oh, yeah. Full Winnie The Pooh. 853 01:13:50,641 --> 01:13:54,102 - What the hell's happening? Describe it. - I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you. 854 01:13:54,111 --> 01:13:57,197 - Here we go. - It's like he was giving birth anally 855 01:13:57,222 --> 01:13:59,552 but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out 856 01:13:59,577 --> 01:14:01,570 - and they said, "you know what? I'm done." - Happy? 857 01:14:01,595 --> 01:14:04,383 It's like he's a muppet from the waist down but this time, 858 01:14:04,408 --> 01:14:07,549 you can see the muppet's dick. God, he's got a cock the size of... 859 01:14:07,574 --> 01:14:11,247 ... double-park. I got three written... What? 860 01:14:12,067 --> 01:14:14,724 No. No. No. DP, not again. 861 01:14:14,810 --> 01:14:16,975 This has happened before? 862 01:14:17,552 --> 01:14:20,148 Jesus! Either vomit or don't. The decision is killing me. 863 01:14:20,173 --> 01:14:22,617 Why couldn't God take my hearing. 864 01:14:25,151 --> 01:14:27,772 - Wow. - Cool your pants. They're growing back. 865 01:14:27,797 --> 01:14:29,709 I'm talking about your face. 866 01:14:29,734 --> 01:14:32,718 I've never seen you without your mask before. Jesus Christ! 867 01:14:32,743 --> 01:14:35,922 - Looks like an avocado. - Your legs, though. They're cute. 868 01:14:35,947 --> 01:14:38,229 You wanna borrow a pair of pants? 869 01:14:39,390 --> 01:14:43,337 I'm glad everybody dropped by. You must be wondering why I didn't call you here. 870 01:14:43,362 --> 01:14:47,199 I'll tell you why I'm here. The time-traveler's wife's 871 01:14:47,224 --> 01:14:50,295 husband beat me within an inch of my life. He was torturing me. 872 01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:53,276 But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. 873 01:14:53,301 --> 01:14:56,222 So, I'm here to help us gear up. 874 01:14:56,247 --> 01:14:58,614 - So we can go after him without me. - No. 875 01:14:58,639 --> 01:15:02,179 I'm doing this alone. The Juggernaut will kill you all. 876 01:15:02,226 --> 01:15:05,662 - I'll just need a couple of hours to get some legs under me. - What will you do? 877 01:15:05,670 --> 01:15:08,631 I don't care what the kid did to me. I won't let Cable get to him 878 01:15:08,656 --> 01:15:12,094 - even if I have to teabag him to death. - It's really just a sip of tea at this point. 879 01:15:12,119 --> 01:15:15,809 Zip it, Black-Black Widow. I'm flowing. The first order of business is to get me in front of Cable 880 01:15:15,816 --> 01:15:20,208 so I can put all the fucking blood out of his body and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. 881 01:15:20,286 --> 01:15:22,169 Then, I'm gonna take his skin. 882 01:15:22,194 --> 01:15:25,600 And stretch it out over our homemade mating drum. 883 01:15:26,535 --> 01:15:29,091 He's standing right behind you, isn't he? 884 01:15:36,884 --> 01:15:38,978 What in the ass. 885 01:15:39,003 --> 01:15:41,923 Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr? 886 01:15:41,948 --> 01:15:45,387 You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy. 887 01:15:45,653 --> 01:15:48,451 Is that really necessary? 888 01:15:49,919 --> 01:15:53,012 No. It's his Basic Instinct. 889 01:15:53,037 --> 01:15:54,856 What can we help you with? 890 01:15:54,881 --> 01:15:57,467 I'm here to proposition you. 891 01:15:59,038 --> 01:16:02,516 - He's really teeing it up, is he? - He gets to make the first joke. 892 01:16:02,541 --> 01:16:04,947 - I think we shot through him at the same time. - Good call. 893 01:16:04,972 --> 01:16:06,394 For $45 you get sucky-suck... 894 01:16:06,419 --> 01:16:08,892 - I only do over the pants. Mouths step... - Fuck! 895 01:16:08,917 --> 01:16:11,293 The Proposition has a wonderful Guy Pearce performance. 896 01:16:11,318 --> 01:16:13,145 Wait, wait, wait. I wanna do mine over. 897 01:16:13,170 --> 01:16:14,208 Give us the line again? 898 01:16:14,233 --> 01:16:15,685 I need your help! 899 01:16:15,845 --> 01:16:18,385 Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are. 900 01:16:18,410 --> 01:16:21,317 But you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt! 901 01:16:21,373 --> 01:16:23,443 I can't bring him down alone. 902 01:16:23,522 --> 01:16:25,780 So here we are. 903 01:16:26,546 --> 01:16:30,069 Well we're no longer accepting applications for X-Force, unfortunately. 904 01:16:30,094 --> 01:16:31,539 Even if we were... 905 01:16:31,564 --> 01:16:33,149 There's a wind advisory in effect... 906 01:16:33,173 --> 01:16:36,353 We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill. 907 01:16:36,378 --> 01:16:37,880 No offense, but if you know so much, 908 01:16:37,905 --> 01:16:40,481 why not travel back to when he was a baby and kill him then? 909 01:16:40,506 --> 01:16:45,054 - Or better yet, head back a little further. Kill baby Hitler. - I use a device to slide through time. 910 01:16:45,079 --> 01:16:47,594 The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. 911 01:16:47,619 --> 01:16:51,988 I got two charges. One to get me here, one to get me home. 912 01:16:52,394 --> 01:16:57,636 - That's just lazy writing. - Your boy's gonna kill the Headmaster in the orphanage tonight. 913 01:16:57,661 --> 01:17:02,678 - After that, he gets a real taste for it. - Like 10-year old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker. 914 01:17:02,749 --> 01:17:05,885 So he keeps killing. And killing. 915 01:17:06,448 --> 01:17:07,891 And killing. 916 01:17:07,916 --> 01:17:11,752 Until one day he kills the wrong fucking people. 917 01:17:13,380 --> 01:17:14,935 My people. 918 01:17:18,401 --> 01:17:19,971 Relax. 919 01:17:19,996 --> 01:17:22,715 I'm retrieving something from my utility bag. 920 01:17:22,740 --> 01:17:27,429 It's a goddamn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch. 921 01:17:27,454 --> 01:17:29,876 The difference is night and day. 922 01:17:31,272 --> 01:17:33,472 You remind me of my wife. 923 01:17:34,015 --> 01:17:36,368 - I'm sorry? - I said, you remind me of my... 924 01:17:36,393 --> 01:17:40,551 No, I'm sorry that you said that. While making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm. 925 01:17:40,559 --> 01:17:42,496 She always joked. 926 01:17:42,637 --> 01:17:44,361 And she was funny. 927 01:17:44,386 --> 01:17:47,355 She filtered her pain. Replaced it with humor. 928 01:17:47,474 --> 01:17:50,248 Something I could never master. 929 01:17:50,273 --> 01:17:53,102 It was my fault she died. 930 01:17:54,297 --> 01:17:57,762 It was my job to stop people like him. 931 01:17:58,088 --> 01:18:02,024 I came close, a few times. 932 01:18:04,078 --> 01:18:06,993 I wasn't too happy about that. 933 01:18:07,594 --> 01:18:11,619 But he was trying to hurt me and he knew exactly how to do it. 934 01:18:15,193 --> 01:18:19,077 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand. 935 01:18:21,488 --> 01:18:23,824 He came into my home... 936 01:18:23,849 --> 01:18:26,982 And took the only thing that made it a home. 937 01:18:30,954 --> 01:18:34,682 - Sound familiar? - I'm sorry. 938 01:18:35,277 --> 01:18:37,317 No. I'm really sorry. 939 01:18:38,795 --> 01:18:40,889 But that isn't Russell. 940 01:18:41,147 --> 01:18:43,226 - It doesn't have to be him. - If you knew what I knew... 941 01:18:43,251 --> 01:18:48,182 Yeah. He's got anger issues. Maybe a small learning disability. A splash of diabetes. 942 01:18:48,214 --> 01:18:51,270 - But nothing that can't be fixed... - If you can go back... 943 01:18:51,300 --> 01:18:53,986 And stop the people that took your girl, would you? 944 01:18:54,011 --> 01:18:56,181 Of course, I fucking would. 945 01:18:56,331 --> 01:18:59,627 - But I wouldn't kill a kid. - I'm not asking you to kill the kid. 946 01:18:59,652 --> 01:19:01,307 I'll kill the kid. 947 01:19:01,332 --> 01:19:04,815 I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. 948 01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:07,373 Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage. 949 01:19:07,398 --> 01:19:12,204 And I can imagine your dead girlfriend would've wanted you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? 950 01:19:12,544 --> 01:19:15,897 So what's it gonna be, handsome? 951 01:19:15,922 --> 01:19:18,212 - Give me a chance to save him. - What? 952 01:19:18,237 --> 01:19:20,909 You said it. Once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. 953 01:19:20,934 --> 01:19:24,981 If we can get to him before that happens, promise you'll give me a chance, 954 01:19:25,006 --> 01:19:27,999 - to put him on a different path. - Define "chance". 955 01:19:28,024 --> 01:19:30,343 I don't know. How long does it take to save someone's soul? 956 01:19:30,368 --> 01:19:33,196 - I give you 30 seconds. - That--- what? No. 957 01:19:33,221 --> 01:19:35,523 Best I can do. Take it or leave it. 958 01:19:45,909 --> 01:19:48,456 He's doing it. Look at the little fella. 959 01:19:48,481 --> 01:19:50,966 He's doing it. Here it comes. 960 01:19:51,021 --> 01:19:52,529 Jesus Christ. 961 01:19:52,554 --> 01:19:55,085 Just shirt cockin'. 962 01:19:55,859 --> 01:19:59,920 Here you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it. 963 01:19:59,945 --> 01:20:03,367 You beautiful, hairless, twizzler-legged baby boy. 964 01:20:05,276 --> 01:20:06,213 Christ. 965 01:20:06,238 --> 01:20:07,722 That's disturbing. 966 01:20:07,747 --> 01:20:10,005 Thirty seconds. 967 01:20:14,495 --> 01:20:17,097 - Deal. - Deal. 968 01:20:18,758 --> 01:20:23,166 - I have no idea what's happening. - Probably for the best. 969 01:20:24,565 --> 01:20:27,817 And that, is why you never eat a raw starfish. 970 01:20:27,842 --> 01:20:29,390 It's just common sense. 971 01:20:30,407 --> 01:20:31,970 Where the hell are we going? 972 01:20:31,995 --> 01:20:35,120 You said it yourself. Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. 973 01:20:35,145 --> 01:20:38,832 - We need backup. - I will bathe in the blood of your enemies. 974 01:20:43,083 --> 01:20:45,424 Can you turn off the music? 975 01:20:45,715 --> 01:20:48,099 You will do no such thing. 976 01:20:48,233 --> 01:20:50,421 Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent? 977 01:20:50,494 --> 01:20:53,526 - What the hell are you... - Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head. 978 01:20:53,551 --> 01:20:55,270 I'm so sorry. It gets better. 979 01:20:55,295 --> 01:20:57,225 I'm not a fucking racist, you moron. 980 01:20:57,250 --> 01:20:59,922 Tell it to Black Tom. He was like a brother to me. 981 01:20:59,993 --> 01:21:03,377 I'm with the old white guy on this one. Not such a waste. 982 01:21:03,487 --> 01:21:06,323 So what exactly do you do in this future anyway, huh? 983 01:21:06,348 --> 01:21:07,444 Some kind of soldier? 984 01:21:07,469 --> 01:21:09,337 Yeah. Something like that. 985 01:21:09,362 --> 01:21:11,534 I was a soldier. Special Forces. 986 01:21:11,559 --> 01:21:16,330 - I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies. - 50 years from now, you're very dead. 987 01:21:16,355 --> 01:21:19,203 Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma. 988 01:21:19,242 --> 01:21:20,199 Boom! 989 01:21:20,224 --> 01:21:21,458 Spoiler alert! 990 01:21:23,092 --> 01:21:24,490 Planets. 991 01:21:24,515 --> 01:21:26,109 Next time, Uber. 992 01:21:26,134 --> 01:21:28,077 Here's a spoiler alert: 993 01:21:28,102 --> 01:21:30,524 You're not a fucking hero. 994 01:21:30,604 --> 01:21:34,176 You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy. 995 01:21:34,383 --> 01:21:37,079 Well I got news for you. My heart's in the right place. 996 01:21:37,104 --> 01:21:38,722 Russell's not gonna kill anyone. 997 01:21:38,746 --> 01:21:41,223 Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like. 998 01:21:41,256 --> 01:21:44,804 Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like. 999 01:21:44,828 --> 01:21:47,305 I'm a grower. Not a shower. 1000 01:21:47,330 --> 01:21:49,916 - I should've finished college. - Right here! 1001 01:22:07,612 --> 01:22:09,945 I've made mistakes. 1002 01:22:09,970 --> 01:22:13,254 I wanna take it back. You trusted me, 1003 01:22:13,279 --> 01:22:17,810 I took that trust and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom. 1004 01:22:17,835 --> 01:22:19,599 The one in Minneapolis. 1005 01:22:19,624 --> 01:22:21,307 You know the one. 1006 01:22:21,332 --> 01:22:22,799 Colossus? 1007 01:22:22,824 --> 01:22:25,176 I wouldn't ask for your help unless it was life or death. 1008 01:22:25,201 --> 01:22:27,286 That kid needs our help. 1009 01:22:27,311 --> 01:22:30,757 I know you're listening. He's teamed up with the Juggernaut. 1010 01:22:30,782 --> 01:22:33,893 The Juggernaut! That's like my favorite Marvel character ever 1011 01:22:33,918 --> 01:22:37,888 but you should never meet your heroes. Because honestly, he's a bit of a dick. 1012 01:22:38,005 --> 01:22:40,459 And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock 1013 01:22:40,484 --> 01:22:42,467 and causes nothing but problems! 1014 01:22:42,492 --> 01:22:44,361 - Hi, Wade! - Hi, Yukio. 1015 01:22:44,384 --> 01:22:46,774 You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah. 1016 01:22:46,799 --> 01:22:49,751 Where was I? Oh, yeah. Colossus, look... 1017 01:22:49,776 --> 01:22:52,496 I don't deserve your friendship, or your help. 1018 01:22:52,521 --> 01:22:54,230 But this kid does. 1019 01:22:54,255 --> 01:22:57,224 And I'm not gonna bail on him like everyone else. 1020 01:22:58,804 --> 01:23:01,039 Oh, come on. 1021 01:23:05,037 --> 01:23:09,585 Any chance Pigeon-wings is available? That's just fine. 1022 01:23:09,609 --> 01:23:12,117 That's fine. No, you know what? 1023 01:23:12,142 --> 01:23:15,917 Doing the right thing is sometimes messy and fucked up, 1024 01:23:15,942 --> 01:23:18,472 and not particularly convenient. 1025 01:23:18,537 --> 01:23:21,530 So stay here, in Chateau des Virgin, 1026 01:23:21,555 --> 01:23:24,532 while we go get our fuck on. 1027 01:23:26,987 --> 01:23:29,065 You're doing great. 1028 01:23:33,804 --> 01:23:37,156 So you wear that helmet because your brother tries to read your mind? 1029 01:23:37,181 --> 01:23:40,511 Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even steven. 1030 01:23:40,542 --> 01:23:43,134 Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir. 1031 01:23:43,159 --> 01:23:45,370 And he's not alone. 1032 01:23:45,402 --> 01:23:47,864 Secure the children. 1033 01:23:51,163 --> 01:23:54,102 What do you say we go fuck some shit up? 1034 01:23:54,127 --> 01:23:55,750 "Let's fuck some shit up", 1035 01:23:55,775 --> 01:23:58,072 is my legal middle name. 1036 01:24:01,175 --> 01:24:04,113 Watch my back. I got the old man. 1037 01:24:04,176 --> 01:24:06,096 Amen, brother. 1038 01:24:11,710 --> 01:24:13,578 Time to get the chimichangas. 1039 01:24:13,633 --> 01:24:15,188 Thirty seconds. 1040 01:24:15,874 --> 01:24:18,406 I finally know why I'm here. 1041 01:24:18,547 --> 01:24:20,548 I was raised in this place. 1042 01:24:20,589 --> 01:24:22,853 But... not raised. I was tortured. 1043 01:24:22,886 --> 01:24:26,240 Wow. It's your cosmic reason for being here. Shall we? 1044 01:24:26,265 --> 01:24:28,302 This is gonna be fun! 1045 01:24:28,327 --> 01:24:30,960 Hey. Been meaning to ask you, what's with the, 1046 01:24:30,984 --> 01:24:33,492 creepy, dirty hobo-bear? 1047 01:24:33,563 --> 01:24:37,260 That's not dirt. That's the blood of my dead daughter. 1048 01:24:39,316 --> 01:24:41,254 I get gluten sensitivity. 1049 01:24:41,286 --> 01:24:45,052 One glass of wine would just.... Yeah. 1050 01:24:48,563 --> 01:24:51,588 Wish we could head back in time and take all that back. 1051 01:24:51,619 --> 01:24:53,580 We should just cue the music. 1052 01:25:18,132 --> 01:25:20,022 Welcome home, Russell. 1053 01:25:20,047 --> 01:25:21,915 We missed you. 1054 01:25:22,189 --> 01:25:24,565 Russell! You don't need to do this. 1055 01:25:24,632 --> 01:25:26,172 Let's talk. 1056 01:25:26,566 --> 01:25:29,137 Why are you dressed like the Unabomber? 1057 01:25:32,052 --> 01:25:34,474 - That's why. - This little fucker's too far gone. 1058 01:25:34,500 --> 01:25:37,470 Zip it, Thanos. We have a deal. You... 1059 01:25:37,779 --> 01:25:38,768 Hey! 1060 01:25:38,793 --> 01:25:43,138 I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass. 1061 01:25:43,302 --> 01:25:45,678 My modelling hands are so soft. 1062 01:25:45,709 --> 01:25:48,499 - You should probably head back to the car. - I think I'll head back to the car. 1063 01:25:49,742 --> 01:25:52,868 It works best when you pull the trigger. 1064 01:25:55,501 --> 01:25:57,845 Your gun's amazing. 1065 01:25:58,057 --> 01:25:59,582 Say it! 1066 01:26:01,434 --> 01:26:04,911 You are an abomination! 1067 01:26:11,835 --> 01:26:15,094 Now I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy. 1068 01:26:15,119 --> 01:26:17,777 I believe him. Every man for themselves! 1069 01:26:22,052 --> 01:26:23,684 Gotcha! 1070 01:26:27,796 --> 01:26:30,914 You okay, big guy? The sun's getting real low. 1071 01:26:30,938 --> 01:26:33,048 Ah, shit-fucker. 1072 01:26:46,205 --> 01:26:48,096 Come on, beautiful. 1073 01:26:49,728 --> 01:26:51,245 Say it! 1074 01:27:49,761 --> 01:27:51,418 You came for me. 1075 01:27:51,426 --> 01:27:55,107 I'm not giving up on you and you're not giving up on that boy. 1076 01:27:55,132 --> 01:27:57,125 Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken? 1077 01:27:57,149 --> 01:27:59,610 It's time to fight dirty. 1078 01:27:59,626 --> 01:28:01,877 - Time to see the light, Johnny. - Hey! 1079 01:28:01,901 --> 01:28:05,894 - Pick on someone your own size. - That's such a you thing to say. 1080 01:28:05,918 --> 01:28:07,950 Go get 'em, tiger! 1081 01:28:07,986 --> 01:28:10,932 Big CGI fight coming up. 1082 01:28:32,898 --> 01:28:35,547 - He's doing great. - Say it! 1083 01:28:39,507 --> 01:28:41,984 - Russell. - Bingo! 1084 01:28:56,644 --> 01:28:57,707 Great. 1085 01:28:57,732 --> 01:29:00,708 Bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. 1086 01:29:00,732 --> 01:29:03,865 - Can I have one of those guns? - No. 1087 01:29:03,905 --> 01:29:05,585 That's fine. 1088 01:29:06,327 --> 01:29:09,875 Just gonna use this brick. Maximum effort. 1089 01:29:15,542 --> 01:29:18,481 Who says you can't go home again? 1090 01:29:37,840 --> 01:29:39,466 Say it. 1091 01:29:39,490 --> 01:29:42,826 Say what you say everytime you torture me. 1092 01:29:42,904 --> 01:29:43,904 Say it! 1093 01:29:43,952 --> 01:29:47,898 Blessed are the wicked who are healed! By my hand! 1094 01:29:48,352 --> 01:29:53,901 Blessed are the wicked, who are healed by my hand. 1095 01:30:11,882 --> 01:30:14,258 Carny motherfucker! 1096 01:30:40,282 --> 01:30:43,018 Oh my God. Did you feel that, too? 1097 01:30:43,043 --> 01:30:46,222 Only best buddies execute pedophiles together. 1098 01:30:48,152 --> 01:30:52,176 - You got 30 seconds, you butt-plug. - Now you're getting it! 1099 01:30:56,143 --> 01:30:59,019 I need a bus to get you all out of here. 1100 01:31:03,967 --> 01:31:05,927 Orphans... 1101 01:31:05,959 --> 01:31:07,835 Oh, geez. 1102 01:31:08,836 --> 01:31:10,617 It's time... 1103 01:31:10,656 --> 01:31:14,822 - To burn for what you've done! - A child should not be burdened with such power. 1104 01:31:22,833 --> 01:31:24,911 Russell! Wait! 1105 01:31:38,477 --> 01:31:41,524 - Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet. - What more do you need to see? 1106 01:31:41,557 --> 01:31:43,915 Don't you fucking dare! He's just a kid. 1107 01:31:43,940 --> 01:31:46,300 Tick-tock. He is one. 1108 01:31:58,420 --> 01:32:01,834 I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring. 1109 01:32:21,761 --> 01:32:24,871 - I told you! Leave me alone! - Come on. 1110 01:32:24,902 --> 01:32:27,223 Listen to me. 1111 01:32:49,907 --> 01:32:53,034 That's how we do it in Mother Russia. 1112 01:32:54,295 --> 01:32:57,601 They say millenials are the hardest to reach. 1113 01:33:02,930 --> 01:33:05,915 Damn, it feels good to be a gangstah. 1114 01:33:06,095 --> 01:33:09,925 Go home, Wade. You're ruining everything. 1115 01:33:15,124 --> 01:33:18,110 - I'm getting good at this shit. - Go, go, go, go, go! 1116 01:33:21,115 --> 01:33:25,257 He dies tonight, Wade. You can't stop me. 1117 01:33:25,578 --> 01:33:27,638 He even runs like a fucking pervert. 1118 01:33:27,663 --> 01:33:30,594 Like an online predator who lost his laptop. 1119 01:33:31,222 --> 01:33:33,551 I have one bullet left in that gun. 1120 01:33:33,576 --> 01:33:36,334 Wait, wait, wait. Please just give me a second. I got this. 1121 01:33:36,984 --> 01:33:39,117 Stay back! Go home, Wade. 1122 01:33:39,142 --> 01:33:41,476 Let's talk! There's nothing going his way. 1123 01:33:41,852 --> 01:33:43,500 That piece of shit... 1124 01:33:43,525 --> 01:33:46,166 He deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you. 1125 01:33:46,191 --> 01:33:47,097 Badly. 1126 01:33:47,122 --> 01:33:49,510 Makes you wanna hurt others. 1127 01:33:49,535 --> 01:33:51,348 But if you kill him, he wins. 1128 01:33:51,373 --> 01:33:53,493 You become everything he says you are, 1129 01:33:53,518 --> 01:33:55,032 but worse. 1130 01:33:55,189 --> 01:33:56,800 You're just a kid. 1131 01:33:57,003 --> 01:33:59,022 You don't wanna hurt anyone. 1132 01:33:59,047 --> 01:34:02,520 - How do you know what I want? - Because I've been inside you. 1133 01:34:02,580 --> 01:34:06,377 That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes. 1134 01:34:06,415 --> 01:34:09,753 Which, is also off-putting. It's not a good analogy. 1135 01:34:09,777 --> 01:34:11,691 The point is... 1136 01:34:11,738 --> 01:34:13,496 There are people. 1137 01:34:13,520 --> 01:34:17,780 There are people in this fucking world besides him, 1138 01:34:17,805 --> 01:34:22,174 who will treat you right. It isn't too late. Don't do it. 1139 01:34:26,932 --> 01:34:29,581 I never should've left you there. 1140 01:34:31,583 --> 01:34:34,123 I never should have left you there. 1141 01:34:40,611 --> 01:34:43,002 I can't trust you. 1142 01:34:43,426 --> 01:34:46,356 I can't trust anybody! 1143 01:34:54,921 --> 01:34:58,540 - Wonderful, kid. - You can't stop me, Wade! 1144 01:35:00,298 --> 01:35:02,314 I got one more idea. 1145 01:35:02,893 --> 01:35:06,472 - It's just a really bad one, even for me. - Wade, what are you doing? 1146 01:35:06,496 --> 01:35:09,200 Alright, this is for all the marbles, kid. 1147 01:35:09,224 --> 01:35:11,576 You gonna trust someone tonight? 1148 01:35:11,615 --> 01:35:15,084 - Blessed are the wicked... - Then it's gotta be me. 1149 01:35:16,080 --> 01:35:18,844 Who are healed by my hand! 1150 01:36:24,229 --> 01:36:27,333 Tell me, they got that in slow-motion. 1151 01:36:31,846 --> 01:36:34,238 That's not good. 1152 01:36:35,128 --> 01:36:36,808 No, sir. 1153 01:36:44,144 --> 01:36:48,560 - You sacrificed yourself, for me? - Yeah. 1154 01:36:48,585 --> 01:36:51,086 And it was the best thing I ever did. 1155 01:36:52,860 --> 01:36:54,992 I told you I care about you. 1156 01:36:55,017 --> 01:36:57,721 You're a good kid, Russell. 1157 01:36:58,547 --> 01:36:59,742 Hey. 1158 01:37:00,843 --> 01:37:03,768 The bear. It worked. 1159 01:37:10,491 --> 01:37:12,177 Because of you. 1160 01:37:12,202 --> 01:37:15,203 No, Wade. Because of you. 1161 01:37:15,289 --> 01:37:18,518 Stop. Stop! Stop. Stop. 1162 01:37:18,543 --> 01:37:21,527 Just... Just let it happen. 1163 01:37:21,552 --> 01:37:23,623 Okay? I guess... 1164 01:37:23,648 --> 01:37:26,508 I guess my heart was finally in the right place. 1165 01:37:26,687 --> 01:37:29,227 That riddle is so fucked up. 1166 01:37:33,513 --> 01:37:35,146 I'm sorry. 1167 01:37:35,163 --> 01:37:37,007 - I'm so sorry. - Don't be. 1168 01:37:37,047 --> 01:37:39,610 Don't be. I've been trying to make this happen for a while. 1169 01:37:39,634 --> 01:37:43,079 Yeah. Please, just, don't leave. I don't wanna die without an audience. 1170 01:37:43,096 --> 01:37:45,597 - We are not going anywhere. - Oh, God. 1171 01:37:45,621 --> 01:37:47,934 The Academy is watching. 1172 01:37:49,889 --> 01:37:51,522 Papa? 1173 01:37:53,508 --> 01:37:56,282 Papa can you hear me? 1174 01:37:57,635 --> 01:38:00,870 Papa can you find me? 1175 01:38:24,741 --> 01:38:27,359 Before I go, sorry... 1176 01:38:27,384 --> 01:38:30,142 I got a bit more in me. Domino... 1177 01:38:30,173 --> 01:38:34,752 I want you, to have my Adventure Time watch. 1178 01:38:36,989 --> 01:38:40,373 Sounds like that I'm the lucky one. 1179 01:38:41,012 --> 01:38:42,757 Thank you. 1180 01:38:43,281 --> 01:38:46,367 Hey, Sabrina the teenage witch... 1181 01:38:46,930 --> 01:38:49,618 It has been a pleasure. 1182 01:38:50,597 --> 01:38:53,206 - Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade! 1183 01:38:53,231 --> 01:38:58,459 Yeah... And you! Chrome-bone. 1184 01:38:58,968 --> 01:39:04,180 I haven't always been the best friend to you, but you've always been that to me. 1185 01:39:04,399 --> 01:39:06,587 So thank you. 1186 01:39:07,700 --> 01:39:09,919 Say 'fuck' for me. 1187 01:39:10,374 --> 01:39:14,922 Just once. Come on. We'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. 1, 2, 3... 1188 01:39:16,766 --> 01:39:19,742 - Fuck. - Wow. Enjoy hell. 1189 01:39:19,768 --> 01:39:24,003 Swamp-mouth. And you. Cable. 1190 01:39:25,441 --> 01:39:29,239 You get back to your family. You tell them Wade says 'hi'. 1191 01:39:29,513 --> 01:39:33,248 And promise me. Promise me one thing... 1192 01:39:33,567 --> 01:39:36,295 That you'll start judging people not by the color of their skin 1193 01:39:36,320 --> 01:39:38,727 but by the content of their character. 1194 01:39:39,038 --> 01:39:40,225 Jesus. 1195 01:39:42,851 --> 01:39:44,094 Hey. 1196 01:39:44,563 --> 01:39:47,431 You're a superhero now, bubba. 1197 01:39:47,564 --> 01:39:48,940 Look... 1198 01:39:48,995 --> 01:39:50,331 Family, 1199 01:39:50,379 --> 01:39:53,638 is not an F-word, all right? 1200 01:39:55,452 --> 01:39:57,640 Just keep looking, okay? 1201 01:40:00,448 --> 01:40:03,659 Guys? For a second there... 1202 01:40:04,077 --> 01:40:06,798 We would've made a pretty good team. 1203 01:40:21,275 --> 01:40:23,322 Oh, it's so hard to go! 1204 01:40:24,690 --> 01:40:27,745 I just love being with all you guys so much. 1205 01:40:28,309 --> 01:40:30,168 So, so much. 1206 01:40:31,601 --> 01:40:34,334 Oh, I can feel it now. Here it comes. Yeah. 1207 01:40:34,476 --> 01:40:38,330 Feel the soul, exiting the husk... 1208 01:40:41,282 --> 01:40:43,372 Can you see it? 1209 01:40:43,878 --> 01:40:46,190 Do you see that beautiful bright light? 1210 01:40:47,097 --> 01:40:49,272 There it is. 1211 01:40:54,809 --> 01:40:57,716 No, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that. 1212 01:40:57,926 --> 01:41:00,067 I'd just like a few final words... 1213 01:41:01,655 --> 01:41:03,421 Woodpecker. 1214 01:41:03,632 --> 01:41:05,405 Gingivitis. 1215 01:41:07,081 --> 01:41:09,128 Codswallop. 1216 01:41:12,881 --> 01:41:15,686 Do you wanna build a snowman? 1217 01:42:30,968 --> 01:42:33,781 Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of... 1218 01:42:33,852 --> 01:42:37,017 Handicappable children stuck in a tree. No. 1219 01:42:37,936 --> 01:42:40,963 - But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah. 1220 01:42:40,988 --> 01:42:43,090 - He's got a terrible name. - Just awful. 1221 01:42:43,115 --> 01:42:45,366 I tried to tell him. 1222 01:42:46,162 --> 01:42:48,077 Is this heaven? 1223 01:42:48,361 --> 01:42:50,289 It is now. 1224 01:42:53,152 --> 01:42:55,343 I'm so sorry. 1225 01:42:55,855 --> 01:42:57,559 It's okay. 1226 01:43:17,001 --> 01:43:19,737 I missed you so much. 1227 01:43:24,667 --> 01:43:26,753 What is it? What's wrong? 1228 01:43:27,653 --> 01:43:29,857 It's not time. 1229 01:43:30,082 --> 01:43:32,239 What do you mean, it's not time? 1230 01:43:32,294 --> 01:43:34,007 I'm here. I made it. 1231 01:43:34,032 --> 01:43:36,577 - You can't stay. - No, no, no. I'm staying. 1232 01:43:36,611 --> 01:43:38,626 I'm not going anywhere without you. 1233 01:43:38,651 --> 01:43:39,986 It's okay. 1234 01:43:40,011 --> 01:43:42,840 There's a time for us. It's just not now. 1235 01:43:43,669 --> 01:43:46,545 - They need you. - Who? 1236 01:43:48,124 --> 01:43:49,928 Your F-word. 1237 01:43:50,842 --> 01:43:53,868 - Why? - You'll find out. 1238 01:43:55,007 --> 01:43:57,508 It's all right. I'll be here. 1239 01:43:57,842 --> 01:43:59,835 I love you. 1240 01:44:01,562 --> 01:44:03,352 I know. 1241 01:44:03,377 --> 01:44:06,769 I love you, too. Now, go. 1242 01:44:07,136 --> 01:44:09,770 Go on. Go, get out of here. 1243 01:44:10,739 --> 01:44:11,740 Go. 1244 01:44:14,391 --> 01:44:15,952 Hey. 1245 01:44:18,111 --> 01:44:20,965 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 1246 01:44:21,097 --> 01:44:22,738 Well, come here. 1247 01:44:41,541 --> 01:44:43,120 Don't fuck Elvis. 1248 01:44:43,145 --> 01:44:44,713 Don't fuck Colossus. 1249 01:44:44,738 --> 01:44:45,997 What? 1250 01:44:54,461 --> 01:44:56,071 Time to make the chimichangas. 1251 01:44:56,087 --> 01:44:56,798 Thirty seconds. 1252 01:44:56,822 --> 01:44:59,057 Hey, been meaning to ask you. What's with the... 1253 01:44:59,082 --> 01:45:00,676 Creepy, dirty hobo-bear? 1254 01:45:00,701 --> 01:45:02,794 That's my daughter's Teddy bear. 1255 01:45:02,819 --> 01:45:06,352 - Her name's Hope. - Oh. 1256 01:45:06,470 --> 01:45:10,378 What are you doing? Somebody swiped right. 1257 01:45:22,606 --> 01:45:25,544 Tell me they got that in slow-motion. 1258 01:45:28,205 --> 01:45:31,792 - You sacrificed yourself for me? - Hey, what's here? I... 1259 01:45:34,117 --> 01:45:35,219 Huh. 1260 01:45:36,024 --> 01:45:38,392 Genuine high-grade lead. 1261 01:45:40,635 --> 01:45:43,581 You time-sliding son of a bitch. 1262 01:45:43,606 --> 01:45:45,793 You did this for me? 1263 01:45:46,646 --> 01:45:48,061 Wait... 1264 01:45:48,154 --> 01:45:50,131 You can't go back. 1265 01:45:50,170 --> 01:45:52,942 You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and wife? 1266 01:45:52,967 --> 01:45:54,889 No, my family's safe. 1267 01:45:54,914 --> 01:45:57,672 And I didn't do it for you. 1268 01:45:57,969 --> 01:46:00,547 Now I'm gonna stick around for a while. 1269 01:46:00,572 --> 01:46:03,807 Make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion. 1270 01:46:04,497 --> 01:46:09,077 - Aww. You did it for me. - No, I didn't. 1271 01:46:09,331 --> 01:46:10,738 - You did. - I didn't. 1272 01:46:10,763 --> 01:46:12,662 - Pretty sure you did. - No, I'm positive I didn't. 1273 01:46:12,687 --> 01:46:14,679 Fine. Alright. Let's flip a coin, okay? 1274 01:46:14,704 --> 01:46:17,485 Heads, did it for me, tails, you did it for me. 1275 01:46:17,510 --> 01:46:20,331 I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me. 1276 01:46:20,416 --> 01:46:21,829 - Say it again. - You did it for me. 1277 01:46:21,861 --> 01:46:23,455 - Jesus. - We must get the collar off. 1278 01:46:23,480 --> 01:46:26,340 Forget it. It's no use. These collars don't just come off. 1279 01:46:26,365 --> 01:46:29,811 Wade... I have an idea. 1280 01:46:30,300 --> 01:46:32,441 Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's not do that, please. 1281 01:46:32,457 --> 01:46:35,498 I'd rather die of cancer. That's just... Oh, God. 1282 01:46:35,523 --> 01:46:38,250 They do say, the pen is grosser than the sword. 1283 01:46:39,094 --> 01:46:41,517 - We need the code. - Try, uhh... 1284 01:46:41,728 --> 01:46:44,010 - Seven? - Settle down, Captain Lucky. 1285 01:46:44,034 --> 01:46:47,245 It's not gonna be one number. God, that's lazy writing. 1286 01:46:47,534 --> 01:46:49,456 Still got it. 1287 01:46:51,905 --> 01:46:54,609 Put that back in your prison wallet. 1288 01:46:55,570 --> 01:46:59,423 I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you. 1289 01:46:59,545 --> 01:47:01,773 - No. - Yes. Here we go. 1290 01:47:01,819 --> 01:47:05,234 Bring it in. Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. 1291 01:47:05,336 --> 01:47:09,383 Let's go tip-to-tip. There we go. The kids call this "docking". 1292 01:47:10,722 --> 01:47:13,518 - Is there a knife in my dick? - There's a knife in your dick. Yeah. 1293 01:47:13,543 --> 01:47:16,512 Just get back up a little. Already did a full Yentl. 1294 01:47:16,537 --> 01:47:18,858 Pretend like that never happened. 1295 01:47:18,967 --> 01:47:21,038 Let's go home, Russell. 1296 01:47:24,505 --> 01:47:28,913 All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy. 1297 01:47:28,938 --> 01:47:31,954 Your souls are beyond redemption. 1298 01:47:31,979 --> 01:47:35,393 - Let's see your soul, perv! - No! No, no more. 1299 01:47:35,420 --> 01:47:37,543 We're better than that. We're better than him. 1300 01:47:37,568 --> 01:47:40,305 No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed. 1301 01:47:40,360 --> 01:47:43,247 - We'll let karma take care of him. - The day of reckoning, 1302 01:47:43,272 --> 01:47:45,088 is here! 1303 01:47:54,282 --> 01:47:56,721 I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great. 1304 01:47:56,830 --> 01:47:59,190 Woo! There it is, motherfuckers! 1305 01:47:59,215 --> 01:48:00,811 I think I'm a motherfucker. 1306 01:48:00,850 --> 01:48:04,358 I can hear you counting the last 30 seconds like a monkey, it was... ! 1307 01:48:04,383 --> 01:48:05,929 I want some more. 1308 01:48:05,954 --> 01:48:07,970 I bet you do, Brown Panther. 1309 01:48:07,995 --> 01:48:11,057 We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up. 1310 01:48:11,082 --> 01:48:13,474 Good call. You guys coming with us? 1311 01:48:13,542 --> 01:48:15,941 No. We'll get the kids back to the mansion. 1312 01:48:15,980 --> 01:48:18,543 - Besides, we're X-Men. - No. 1313 01:48:18,622 --> 01:48:21,427 - You're X-People. - You're X-hausting. 1314 01:48:21,459 --> 01:48:24,108 I see what you did there. Puns. 1315 01:48:24,132 --> 01:48:26,406 - Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio. 1316 01:48:28,602 --> 01:48:31,056 What do you get when you take 8 feet of chrome, 1317 01:48:31,081 --> 01:48:33,902 one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, 1318 01:48:33,927 --> 01:48:36,388 a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, 1319 01:48:36,412 --> 01:48:39,164 and a wheelbarrow full of stage-four cancer? 1320 01:48:39,188 --> 01:48:41,884 Answer: a family. 1321 01:48:41,962 --> 01:48:44,971 See? I didn't lie on what kind of film this was. 1322 01:48:45,088 --> 01:48:46,722 If there's anything you take away today, 1323 01:48:46,747 --> 01:48:49,551 other than the need to google, "what the fuck is dubstep", 1324 01:48:49,576 --> 01:48:52,952 it's that we all need to belong to someone. 1325 01:48:55,550 --> 01:48:59,008 subbed by: iamdepressed