1
00:00:15,980 --> 00:00:19,663
So, you see the thing is, Dad,
I could reapply next year,
2
00:00:19,710 --> 00:00:22,463
but if I defer and try again for Oxford,
I'll probably lose my place at Bristol...
3
00:00:22,510 --> 00:00:23,499
Mm...
4
00:00:23,550 --> 00:00:25,268
...which is a good university,
but not my dream.
5
00:00:25,310 --> 00:00:26,743
Do you think this is important in the long term,
6
00:00:26,790 --> 00:00:29,179
or is the subject and standard of degree
more important?
7
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:30,663
So, I got married.
8
00:00:30,710 --> 00:00:32,746
- What?!.
- With Suzy, we got married.
9
00:00:32,790 --> 00:00:33,825
You mean remarried.
10
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,667
This time it's for keeps, though.
11
00:00:35,710 --> 00:00:37,507
- When did this happen?
- A few weeks ago.
12
00:00:37,550 --> 00:00:39,939
I would gonna invite you,
but I know how you are with people around.
13
00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:41,662
How am I?
14
00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:44,270
Awkward. Weird.
15
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:46,699
I do not live in a basement.
Living in the suburbs of London.
16
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,422
I spend my entire life around people.
17
00:00:48,470 --> 00:00:50,620
Much as I'd like to,
it's almost impossible to avoid them.
18
00:00:50,670 --> 00:00:52,149
See, this is what I mean.
19
00:00:52,190 --> 00:00:54,624
Well .. It was a great wedding?
20
00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:58,265
No. Couple of hundred close friends
and family.
21
00:00:58,310 --> 00:00:59,823
- And it was perfect.
- Mm.
22
00:01:02,470 --> 00:01:04,825
I can't believe you didn't invite me
to your wedding.
23
00:01:04,870 --> 00:01:07,065
So, what are you up to this summer?
24
00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:08,338
Oh, you're changing the subject?
25
00:01:08,390 --> 00:01:09,743
- Mm-hm.
- Fine.
26
00:01:09,790 --> 00:01:12,020
I don't know. I guess I'll be going on holiday.
27
00:01:12,070 --> 00:01:14,425
Oh, this should be good.
What have you got planned?
28
00:01:14,470 --> 00:01:17,701
Trans-Siberian Express?
Fossil-hunting in Dorset?
29
00:01:17,750 --> 00:01:19,468
Or maybe something even weirder.
30
00:01:19,510 --> 00:01:23,867
No, actually. Something normal. I'm going
somewhere normal, with my normal friends,
31
00:01:23,910 --> 00:01:25,138
to a place full of normal people.
32
00:01:26,230 --> 00:01:27,549
And you, of course.
33
00:01:29,830 --> 00:01:31,502
Wahhhhh
34
00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:34,269
Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love
35
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:37,859
I really need it
36
00:01:37,910 --> 00:01:41,061
Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love
37
00:01:41,110 --> 00:01:43,908
Just set me free, yeah...
38
00:01:43,950 --> 00:01:48,182
In case you were wondering,
that was me with my father.
39
00:01:48,230 --> 00:01:51,108
And this is where I live -
not with him, but with my mother.
40
00:01:51,150 --> 00:01:53,664
It's a long story. Well, not that long.
41
00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:55,826
He shagged the work experience girl
and then left us.
42
00:01:55,870 --> 00:01:57,542
So, just clichd, really.
43
00:01:57,590 --> 00:02:00,502
Plus, it only happened two years ago,
so I don 't even get the luxury
44
00:02:00,550 --> 00:02:03,223
of blaming my various personality defects
on their divorce.
45
00:02:03,270 --> 00:02:07,661
Anyway, that's how I ended up here -
the very definition of suburbia.
46
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:12,943
Safe, comforting, stifling, boring -
and I couldn 't wait to fucking leave.
47
00:02:12,990 --> 00:02:16,426
Maybe that's unfair, as they do say
that you never know what goes on
48
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,426
behind the net curtains of suburbia.
49
00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:21,940
Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright's
case, you can have a pretty good guess.
50
00:02:28,030 --> 00:02:31,181
Are you ready to have some fun, big boy?
51
00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:32,868
Mmm.
52
00:02:32,910 --> 00:02:34,468
I'm feeling sexy!.
53
00:02:34,510 --> 00:02:36,501
Take off mask, baby, let me see you.
54
00:02:36,550 --> 00:02:38,347
Nah.
55
00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:41,700
Do you promise this'll be properly filthy,
yeah?
56
00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:43,627
Oh, yes, like bomb explode from in penis.
57
00:02:43,670 --> 00:02:46,548
Sexy like... mmm... finger up bumhole.
58
00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:48,785
Christ, you make me so erect.
59
00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:51,298
Oh, yes, you also make me erect.
60
00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:54,342
Now, put in card details.
Oh, I'm so horny.
61
00:02:54,390 --> 00:02:57,223
Don 't forget security number and bank.
62
00:02:57,270 --> 00:02:59,659
Mm!. Come on, hurry up.
63
00:03:01,590 --> 00:03:04,184
All right, Jay's mum! Where's Jay?
64
00:03:04,230 --> 00:03:06,505
Oh, hello, Neil.
He's at home, updating his CV.
65
00:03:07,670 --> 00:03:09,422
Ooh, excuse me.
66
00:03:09,470 --> 00:03:10,949
Hello?
67
00:03:12,950 --> 00:03:14,588
Ohh...
68
00:03:14,630 --> 00:03:16,029
It's a bit over, is that OK?
69
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:17,059
Not really.
70
00:03:19,830 --> 00:03:23,618
- Excuse me! My prawns?
- Sorry, mate, I finish at six.
71
00:03:28,190 --> 00:03:29,669
Cheers for that.
72
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,861
- You don't have to thank me every time.
- Oh, right. Cool.
73
00:03:32,910 --> 00:03:34,309
You're so fit.
74
00:03:48,230 --> 00:03:49,549
Simon, we need to talk.
75
00:03:49,590 --> 00:03:51,148
Oh, not talking!
76
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:54,182
- Look, it's been great so far...
- It's been amazing.
77
00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:57,779
Literally the best year of my life.
My spots clearing up, not moving to Wales,
78
00:03:57,830 --> 00:03:58,819
and now you.
79
00:03:58,870 --> 00:04:00,747
And I'm definitely getting better
at kissing, aren't l?
80
00:04:00,790 --> 00:04:02,064
I think we should break up.
81
00:04:02,110 --> 00:04:03,748
What?
82
00:04:03,790 --> 00:04:06,020
We're both going away to uni soon,
83
00:04:06,070 --> 00:04:08,345
and it'll be too hard to keep it going
long-distance.
84
00:04:08,390 --> 00:04:10,301
- It won't be fair on either of us.
- I don't mind.
85
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:11,908
You will mind, though. You will.
86
00:04:11,950 --> 00:04:13,303
I bloody won't!
87
00:04:13,350 --> 00:04:15,466
Plus, I'm going on holiday soon,
so there's that.
88
00:04:15,510 --> 00:04:17,341
Why? What are you planning to do
on holiday?
89
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:19,585
Maybe you should just go home.
90
00:04:19,630 --> 00:04:21,666
I just need some space to think
at the moment.
91
00:04:21,710 --> 00:04:24,941
OK, fine. So, I'll see you later, yeah?
92
00:04:24,990 --> 00:04:26,343
Or whenever?
93
00:04:35,510 --> 00:04:37,341
Mum, I'm back! When's tea?
94
00:04:37,390 --> 00:04:39,426
- In a minute.
- It had better be delicious!
95
00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:04,307
Ohhh...
96
00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:06,341
- Ooh!
- Oh, oh!
97
00:05:09,670 --> 00:05:12,582
Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me.
98
00:05:12,630 --> 00:05:15,827
Oh, yes, I like you. Oh, I like you.
99
00:05:15,870 --> 00:05:19,067
Get out! I'm just looking at holidays!
It's just holidays!
100
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,988
Jay, can you come downstairs, please?
Your grandfather's died.
101
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:27,102
Ooh, you've got a lady there, you bad boy!
102
00:05:27,150 --> 00:05:30,460
Has she got nice titties? Suck on
the lady's titties. Suck them, go on!
103
00:05:33,470 --> 00:05:35,347
It was our last ever day of school,
104
00:05:35,390 --> 00:05:38,188
something my new stepmum had
experienced only four years ago herself.
105
00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:40,585
So the head of Sixth was going to say
a few inspirational words.
106
00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:45,340
And if ever there was a man for the job,
it wasn 't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.
107
00:05:45,390 --> 00:05:48,666
I will forget each and every one of you
almost immediately.
108
00:05:48,710 --> 00:05:51,270
So, if you do find yourself at a loose end
next year,
109
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:54,461
and think it might be nice to pop in
and see how we're getting on,
110
00:05:54,510 --> 00:05:56,944
don't. This isn't the Dead Poets Society
111
00:05:56,990 --> 00:06:00,460
and I'm not that bloke on BBC Two
who keeps getting kids to sing in choirs.
112
00:06:00,510 --> 00:06:05,026
I especially don't want to hear about
how well you're settling down at uni
113
00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:07,459
or how much growing up you've done
in the past 12 months.
114
00:06:07,510 --> 00:06:11,139
At best, I am ambivalent
towards most of you,
115
00:06:11,190 --> 00:06:13,385
but some of you, I actively dislike,
116
00:06:13,430 --> 00:06:16,547
for no other reason
than your poor personal hygiene
117
00:06:16,590 --> 00:06:19,548
or your irritating personalities.
118
00:06:19,590 --> 00:06:23,060
I hope I've made myself clear
on this point.
119
00:06:23,110 --> 00:06:26,068
And in case any of you think
I'm joking... I'm not.
120
00:06:26,110 --> 00:06:28,704
I assure you that once my legal obligation
121
00:06:28,750 --> 00:06:30,786
to look after your best interests
is removed,
122
00:06:30,830 --> 00:06:34,379
I can be one truly nasty fucker.
123
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:42,024
Good luck with the rest of your lives
and...try not to kill anyone.
124
00:06:42,070 --> 00:06:43,981
It reflects very badly on all of us here.
125
00:06:48,750 --> 00:06:50,342
Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting.
126
00:06:50,390 --> 00:06:53,507
They say your school days
are the best days of your life.
127
00:06:53,550 --> 00:06:54,983
But the only way that would be true for me
128
00:06:55,030 --> 00:06:57,908
would be if I went straight from school
to prison and stayed there until I died.
129
00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,827
How many times is that
she's caught you now?
130
00:06:59,870 --> 00:07:01,747
Four. But this was the worst.
131
00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:04,384
Mask, snorkel, ham.
132
00:07:04,430 --> 00:07:05,988
OK, one last one for luck.
133
00:07:06,030 --> 00:07:07,861
Ooooh!
134
00:07:07,910 --> 00:07:10,708
Good. Old-school wedgie.
To be admired, in a way.
135
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:14,743
Squashing the balls now.
Ooh! That does not tickle!
136
00:07:14,790 --> 00:07:16,189
Argh!
137
00:07:16,230 --> 00:07:18,698
Mark! What the fuck
do you think you're doing? Put him down.
138
00:07:18,750 --> 00:07:20,229
All right, calm down.
139
00:07:20,270 --> 00:07:22,101
Just saying goodbye to Bender Squad.
140
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:25,028
- Have a nice life, dickheads.
- Oh, grow up! God!
141
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,982
- Are you OK, Will?
- Fine! Slightly chafed arse crack,
142
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,988
- but, no, basically fine, thanks.
- Hi, Simon.
143
00:07:32,950 --> 00:07:34,542
OK, well, bye, then.
144
00:07:37,270 --> 00:07:38,669
Fucking bitch.
145
00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:39,699
Is she?
146
00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:41,422
No.
147
00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:44,109
Oh, God... I just really miss her.
148
00:07:57,790 --> 00:08:01,783
It's all right, mate. I understand.
Anyone would miss those tits.
149
00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:03,980
- It's not that, Neil.
- Is it her lovely snatch?
150
00:08:04,030 --> 00:08:05,543
- No.
- I know it feels rough now, Si,
151
00:08:05,590 --> 00:08:07,342
but you just need to give it some time.
152
00:08:07,390 --> 00:08:09,824
I'm just worried I'll never get over her.
153
00:08:09,870 --> 00:08:11,781
- I can help you with that!
- Can you?
154
00:08:11,830 --> 00:08:14,663
Yeah! From now on, every time
you mention the Moanatronic 5000,
155
00:08:14,710 --> 00:08:17,178
- you get a slap in the balls.
- Do you mean Carli?
156
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,266
Ow! For fuck's sake, Jay!
157
00:08:19,310 --> 00:08:21,266
- You were warned.
- How's that helping?!
158
00:08:21,310 --> 00:08:23,266
Stopped you from crying like a baby,
for one.
159
00:08:23,310 --> 00:08:26,188
So my life is still ruined,
but now my balls ache too. Thanks, Jay!
160
00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:29,302
No, your life is just about to begin,
mate!
161
00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:32,547
Now you've been dumped, we can all go
on a mental holiday together.
162
00:08:32,590 --> 00:08:36,902
Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze,
163
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,942
sex, minge, fanny and tits.
164
00:08:39,990 --> 00:08:41,059
And booze.
165
00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:42,463
And sex!
166
00:08:43,470 --> 00:08:45,620
He's put it horrifically,
but he's probably right.
167
00:08:45,670 --> 00:08:47,103
A holiday would definitely
take your mind off her.
168
00:08:47,150 --> 00:08:48,981
Plus, it's the perfect time to go.
169
00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,498
Yeah, they say the summer is
the perfect time for a summer holiday.
170
00:08:51,550 --> 00:08:53,541
Come on, Si, what do you say?
The lads on tour!
171
00:08:53,590 --> 00:08:56,388
- And you.
- Yes, and me! One of the lads.
172
00:08:56,430 --> 00:08:58,625
Yeah, fuck it, go on, then.
Maybe it will help.
173
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:00,388
Course it will! And, I promise you, Si,
174
00:09:00,430 --> 00:09:03,786
we'll go somewhere so full of fit birds,
it'll be like shooting clunge in a barrel.
175
00:09:03,830 --> 00:09:05,821
What a lovely image!
176
00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:09,306
So, that was it.
We were no longer schoolboys.
177
00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:10,624
And to prove our independence,
178
00:09:10,670 --> 00:09:13,548
we were off on the holiday of a lifetime
without our parents...
179
00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:15,228
after we'd made them pay for it.
180
00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:18,179
I know this is the first time you've ever
been away from me, but don't go crazy.
181
00:09:18,230 --> 00:09:19,345
When have I ever gone crazy?!
182
00:09:19,390 --> 00:09:22,302
That time you drank all that shandy
at Debra's wedding. You went pretty wild!
183
00:09:22,350 --> 00:09:24,659
- I was seven years old!
- He was running round, his pants down,
184
00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,109
shouting, "I've got a white slug!"
185
00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:29,426
- Mum!
- Oh, hello, Kevin!
186
00:09:29,470 --> 00:09:32,030
Looks like just Jay
we're waiting for, then.
187
00:09:32,070 --> 00:09:35,301
Yes, it does "look like" that, doesn't it?
God! Sorry about her.
188
00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:36,703
Are you all right, Neil?
Your face is a bit weird.
189
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:40,106
Fine! Just popped a bit of my sister's
fake tan on, get it started, you know.
190
00:09:40,150 --> 00:09:41,344
Just on your face?
191
00:09:41,390 --> 00:09:43,620
Well... It's on my hands now too.
192
00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:45,388
All right? Who's this, then, the vicar?
193
00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:48,502
Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's father.
Nice to meet you.
194
00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:51,348
Where's Neil been hiding you, then?
The church?
195
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:53,904
- Looks like a bloody vicar, don't he?
- No, no, I'm not a vicar.
196
00:09:53,950 --> 00:09:56,908
No, I know that. But you look like a vicar
and you talk like a vicar.
197
00:09:56,950 --> 00:09:59,669
A bloody gay vicar, or something!
198
00:09:59,710 --> 00:10:02,429
Well, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.
199
00:10:02,470 --> 00:10:04,188
No, I'm saying you look gay.
200
00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:07,905
But you can't be, can you? Cos old
soppy bollocks here come out your pipe.
201
00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:11,306
Right, I see.
202
00:10:11,350 --> 00:10:13,466
Well, gotta get going.
Don't want you to miss that flight.
203
00:10:14,550 --> 00:10:16,222
Bye-bye, Pookie Petal. Love you, mwah!
204
00:10:18,310 --> 00:10:21,700
Oh, and Jay? If you're gonna spend
your grandad's money chasing skirt,
205
00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:25,584
two things. One, make sure she's not
a hound like the last one.
206
00:10:25,630 --> 00:10:29,623
And two, try to be a man when she dumps
you for someone with a bigger cock...
207
00:10:30,790 --> 00:10:33,179
...which is everyone!
208
00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:35,346
Dad!
209
00:10:35,390 --> 00:10:38,348
Dads are like arseholes.
Everyone's got one, yes,
210
00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:41,826
but also, they're arseholes. Which is why
they make excellent cab drivers.
211
00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:44,020
T akes me back, all this -
cheap flights at ungodly hours.
212
00:10:44,070 --> 00:10:46,538
Where is it you're headed to again?
Simon never tells me anything.
213
00:10:46,590 --> 00:10:48,979
- Malia, Mr Cooper, in Greece.
- Can't say I've heard of it.
214
00:10:49,030 --> 00:10:50,588
Of course you haven't,
it's a cool place to go.
215
00:10:50,630 --> 00:10:52,063
And it's got a Subway's.
216
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,146
Oh, right. In my day,
it was all about Spain.
217
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:56,306
Me and my mates went to Magaluf
this one time.
218
00:10:56,350 --> 00:10:58,705
Shagaluf, we called it!
219
00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:02,459
Should've called it Shagalot. And hard.
Anything that moved.
220
00:11:02,510 --> 00:11:04,228
We had a system.
221
00:11:04,270 --> 00:11:06,306
Always left a hat on the bedroom door
when one of us got lucky.
222
00:11:06,350 --> 00:11:07,783
Was usually me.
223
00:11:07,830 --> 00:11:08,899
Oh, Dad, please shut up!
224
00:11:08,950 --> 00:11:09,939
I don't know what it is,
225
00:11:09,990 --> 00:11:12,424
but you'll find girls just seem to
let themselves go a bit more abroad.
226
00:11:12,470 --> 00:11:15,348
It's like as soon as they smell
the sun cream, they get wet.
227
00:11:15,390 --> 00:11:18,427
- Your mother's the same, even now.
- Oh, God, just drop us here!
228
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,506
I was learning a lot about holidays.
229
00:11:20,550 --> 00:11:23,018
And not just what they did
to Mrs Cooper's front bottom.
230
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:25,220
I was also learning
that on a lads' holiday,
231
00:11:25,270 --> 00:11:27,625
it's compulsory to wear
"hilarious" matching T-shirts.
232
00:11:27,670 --> 00:11:29,103
Here y'are.
233
00:11:30,670 --> 00:11:32,262
Nice!
234
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:35,780
Right, you owe me 1 2 quid each.
Except for you, Will, you owe me 20.
235
00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:40,533
Right, so I've got to pay more money
for a T-shirt I didn't ask for
236
00:11:40,580 --> 00:11:43,445
and I'm not going to wear, cos it carries
a nickname I didn't know I had?
237
00:11:43,830 --> 00:11:45,474
- Yes.
- Great!
238
00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:52,132
Come on, come on, come on, come on
239
00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:54,978
Got my peeps standing with me
at the bar doing shots
240
00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:57,818
Cos now we're so fucking plastered
we don 't know when to stop
241
00:11:57,860 --> 00:12:00,772
I got my peeps standing with me
and I'm having a blast
242
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,653
I'm feeling so fucking good right now
I want it to last
243
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:06,260
I'm at the bar and I see this chick
checking me out
244
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,451
From afar, yes, she wants my dick
There ain 't a doubt
245
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:12,378
Now I'm in a lift, getting lips
How dumb is this girl?
246
00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:16,698
But do I care? Do I fuck!
I'm on a roll! Yo!
247
00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:18,571
Malia flight?
248
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:19,689
Yap.
249
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,934
Delay, seven hours.
250
00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:24,370
And please remove those T-shirts,
or we won't allow you to board the plane.
251
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:37,378
Despite Neil offering - twice -
they didn't let him drive the plane.
252
00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:40,014
Finally, though, we'd made it on holiday,
253
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:43,450
and Jay's thoughts on the beautiful isle
of Crete, birthplace of Zeus,
254
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:44,899
were as insightful as ever.
255
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:49,935
- I'm hot.
- It is well hot.
256
00:12:50,950 --> 00:12:52,429
- Might be too hot.
- Might be.
257
00:12:52,470 --> 00:12:53,869
Oh!
258
00:12:58,230 --> 00:13:00,505
Carli! Carli!
259
00:13:00,550 --> 00:13:01,460
Carls!
260
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,544
Oh.
261
00:13:04,590 --> 00:13:06,148
Sorry.
262
00:13:09,430 --> 00:13:10,465
Alright..Jay, Jay...
263
00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:11,909
Tidy minge, ten o'clock.
264
00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:15,381
Jay? Jay!
265
00:13:15,430 --> 00:13:17,625
Didn't you see them girls?
266
00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:18,864
Why don't you chirps 'em?
267
00:13:18,910 --> 00:13:21,609
- I can't handle that many at once, Neil.
- Really? What about that netball team?
268
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:24,867
Yeah, that was all right,
cos that was a luxury caravan.
269
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,389
But this coach is way too small
for my moves.
270
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:27,863
Ah, course.
271
00:13:27,910 --> 00:13:30,470
Right, so, the plan is
get to the apartment, unpack,
272
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,102
get some sleep,
then head out fresh tomorrow.
273
00:13:32,150 --> 00:13:34,789
First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.
274
00:13:34,830 --> 00:13:36,183
Have you come on a lads' holiday
by mistake?!
275
00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:39,188
We haven't come halfway round the world to
look at some boring fucking Greek ruins.
276
00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:41,107
Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.
277
00:13:41,150 --> 00:13:44,815
Look,we get there, drop the bags off,
then go straight out and get spasticated.
278
00:13:44,830 --> 00:13:46,019
Simples.
279
00:13:46,070 --> 00:13:47,742
But I've not slept for 37 hours.
280
00:13:47,790 --> 00:13:49,826
Shut up and try and get
some sleep on here, then.
281
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,588
Fine, good idea.
282
00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:56,250
We love you Burnley, we do
283
00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:58,450
We love you Burnley, we do
284
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:03,130
We love you Burnley, we do
Oh, Burnley, we love you!
285
00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:05,614
-Oh, Burn-a-ley
- Oh, Burn-a-ley
286
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:08,538
Is wonderful
Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful...
287
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,893
Can you hear the Preston sing?
I can't hear a fucking thing...
288
00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:16,296
When people ask me if I like
football, I say yes. I do like football.
289
00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:17,898
But not Burnley.
290
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,896
Burnley can fuck off.
291
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:21,419
Come on, Burnley!
292
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:25,533
Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful!
293
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,533
It was a tense moment.
294
00:14:35,580 --> 00:14:38,299
Someone was obviously staying here.
295
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:41,332
Right, then, McKenzie party.
This is you.
296
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:45,811
Good one, fellas! Don't worry,
it'll look nice when it's finished.
297
00:14:45,860 --> 00:14:48,499
- Oh, Burn-a-ley!
- Oh, Burn-a-ley!
298
00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:50,576
Is wonderful...
299
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,131
This don't look like the pictures.
300
00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:57,250
I still don't know how the dog died.
301
00:14:57,300 --> 00:15:00,497
I can only presume it threw itself
in the well, rather than stay here.
302
00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:02,576
You Willy?
303
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:04,019
Yes.
304
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:06,210
Your key. You have fun.
305
00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:07,739
But not too much fun.
306
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:10,817
You shit on floor - 50 euro fine.
307
00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:11,895
Each time!
308
00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:20,058
All right, lads!
309
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:22,330
- Are you stopping here?
- Yes. We are.
310
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:24,211
Bad luck. I've just come back
from Afghanistan,
311
00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:26,296
and conditions there
are better than this shithole.
312
00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:28,570
I can't wait to get back to lying
in a dusty trench,
313
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:31,134
being shot at by some raghead.
Are you married?
314
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,250
- No.
- Don't get married.
315
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,370
The wife booked this, but somehow,
it's my fucking fault.
316
00:15:35,420 --> 00:15:39,208
Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy.
I'll see youse later.
317
00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:40,613
Hey!
318
00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:41,809
You owe me 50 euros!
319
00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:50,177
As we entered our new home,
wondering
320
00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:51,778
if our human rights
had been breached,
321
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,651
I couldn't help thinking
a shit on the floor
322
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:55,975
might have
cheered the place up a bit.
323
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,376
- Shotgun this room!
- Shotgun the sofa bed!
324
00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:06,694
Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?!
325
00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:09,334
Not really my problem.
326
00:16:09,380 --> 00:16:11,291
What's that? Is that the bath?
327
00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:14,650
Course it's not the bath,
you fucking idiot. There's the bath!
328
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,292
That's the... kids' toilet.
329
00:16:16,340 --> 00:16:17,489
- Is it?
- Yes!
330
00:16:17,540 --> 00:16:19,417
Why's it got a plughole and a tap, then?
331
00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:21,655
Cos it's for checking your kid's shit
before you flush it.
332
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,372
- Urgh, that's grim!
- Yeah, I know.
333
00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:25,615
That's the Continentals, innit?
They're dirty.
334
00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:27,730
See? That looks nice!
335
00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:30,419
I'm not sleeping in a fucking bathtub
for two weeks, Simon!
336
00:16:30,460 --> 00:16:31,779
We'll have to share the sofa bed.
337
00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:32,969
Ooh, 'ello!
338
00:16:33,020 --> 00:16:36,808
Right, well, while you two decide
who gets first go on each other's cocks,
339
00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:38,259
I'm getting ready and getting out there.
340
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:39,858
The gash isn't gonna fuck itself,
you know.
341
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:41,811
Charming!
342
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:18,891
Finally, smelling like an industrial
accident at the Lynx factory,
343
00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:22,250
and looking like the world's
shittest boy band, we hit the town.
344
00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:26,378
- Ooh, heads down, boys.
- Shit.
345
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:29,253
What? Why? We haven't done anything!
346
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,291
- Foreign police, innit?
- So?
347
00:17:31,340 --> 00:17:32,853
Don't you even know about foreign police?
348
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,777
What, short-sleeved uniforms?
Chunkier truncheons?
349
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,414
- Oh, fucking hell!
- Mate, they're all corrupt.
350
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:40,850
Basically, if you misbehave
and don't have the money to bribe 'em,
351
00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:42,413
they take you up
to these shepherds' huts in the hills,
352
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:44,178
beat you up and bum ya.
353
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,892
And if they don't kill ya,
you kill yourself,
354
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,249
cos of the shame of getting a boner
whilst you was being bummed.
355
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:51,133
Right, couple of things. Firstly,
the hills here are full of timeshares,
356
00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:52,454
not deserted shepherds' huts.
357
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,412
Secondly, Crete's in the EU,
so I think the standard of policing
358
00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:57,496
probably goes beyond bumming
and forced suicide.
359
00:17:57,540 --> 00:18:00,612
Believe what you want. I'm keeping
a bribe up my arse just in case.
360
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:03,857
You're gonna spend the whole holiday with
20 euros rolled up inside your arsehole?
361
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,130
It's been up there since
the seatbelt signs went off, mate.
362
00:18:07,180 --> 00:18:11,014
All right, lads! Holiday, is it? I'm out
here on my own, having a mental time!
363
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,812
Can I have a beer?
364
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:14,896
- Oh, here you go, mate.
- No, you can't!
365
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:16,931
All right, which is it?
You say yes, he says bloody no.
366
00:18:16,980 --> 00:18:18,618
He's not your boss, is he? Eh?
367
00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:23,299
Well, it's been great talking to you,
but we've really got to get a move on.
368
00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:24,773
Can I come round yours for a shower?
369
00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:26,333
Um, no.
370
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:28,769
No? Cool beans. See you later, lads!
371
00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:31,288
Richard, yeah? Richard!
372
00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:33,456
Well, Richard was clearly mental.
373
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:36,378
But as we were about to discover,
so was everything else here.
374
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,851
This place about to blow
375
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:47,412
Blow
376
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:51,214
This place about to blow
377
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:55,211
Blow
378
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,296
This place about to blow
379
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:19,658
This place about to blow...
380
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:24,534
While Simon was seeing Carli
everywhere,
381
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,697
- Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.
- She'd get it.
382
00:19:27,740 --> 00:19:29,378
Most definitely!
383
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:30,819
Oh, and that one. She'd get it!
384
00:19:30,860 --> 00:19:34,170
- And that one! And that one.
- And that one. She'd get it.
385
00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:35,539
Right in the bumholey.
386
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:37,650
I can't believe I've already got a bird.
Gutted.
387
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:42,171
So fucking what?! All birds know -
what goes on tour stays on tour.
388
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:44,529
No, I couldn't do that to Nicole.
I think I love her.
389
00:19:44,580 --> 00:19:46,536
And I never loved anything before
apart from a car or a sandwich.
390
00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:48,411
All right, lads!
Are you up for a good time?
391
00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:49,813
Yeah, we're always up for a good time.
392
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:51,179
We're the Pussay Patrol.
393
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:52,733
All right. Well, if you really are
the Pussay Patrol...
394
00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:54,532
- Which we are.
- You're obviously going to Marco's.
395
00:19:54,580 --> 00:19:58,778
It's the most buzzing bar out here. Always
packed with a chilled-out, sexy vibe.
396
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:01,971
- Know what I mean?
- I don't really know what you mean.
397
00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:04,215
When you say "sexy vibe",
do you mean girls?
398
00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:05,329
Course! Loads of girls.
399
00:20:05,380 --> 00:20:08,656
I'll sort you out half-price drinks
and a free fishbowl.
400
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,179
Cool, cool, cool.
401
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:12,370
So, will you be in there,
with your sexiness,
402
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:17,130
making the vibe all...sexy?
Being all sexy, and that, sexy?
403
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,579
Say "sexy" more.
404
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:20,850
Well, I will be if you're gonna be there,
you saucy bugger!
405
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:23,050
Come on, then!
406
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:26,695
Here you go, these four. I'll see you
in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi and Coke.
407
00:20:26,740 --> 00:20:27,889
Large one?
408
00:20:27,940 --> 00:20:30,170
Saucy! See you later.
409
00:20:30,220 --> 00:20:32,814
Fucking hell, you're well in there, mate!
410
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:36,489
Yep! He shoots, he scores.
Right up the vag.
411
00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:38,735
Oh, my God, if she's outside,
imagine the birds inside!
412
00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,534
Ah. Interesting.
413
00:20:50,580 --> 00:20:52,411
Well, it must get going a bit later.
She did say it was amazing.
414
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,496
And why would she lie?!
415
00:20:56,420 --> 00:21:00,049
All right, mate. Four pints, four
Jägermeisters and a fishbowl, please.
416
00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:02,289
Hello.
417
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:05,377
- When it good here?
- Sorry?
418
00:21:05,420 --> 00:21:08,378
Er, when here party good?
419
00:21:08,420 --> 00:21:09,614
In normally about an hour or two.
420
00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:11,855
Oh. Well, as we've paid,
maybe we should hang on, then?
421
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:13,333
But this year... never.
422
00:21:13,380 --> 00:21:16,099
- Thanking you, very much.
- OK, let's go.
423
00:21:16,140 --> 00:21:18,096
Fuck off! My bird'll be down in a minute.
424
00:21:18,140 --> 00:21:21,212
Do you mean the woman who's clearly
on commission to trick people
425
00:21:21,260 --> 00:21:22,249
into this empty bar?
426
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:23,972
No, I mean the little hottie outside
that I was flirting with.
427
00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:25,055
I'll take that as a yes, then.
428
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:26,738
I'm going nowhere
till she's sucked me off!
429
00:21:26,780 --> 00:21:29,374
- So you're going nowhere.
- Jay, we're on holiday!
430
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:32,093
I'm meant to be out there, trying to
hit on girls I think are beneath me
431
00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:34,700
but who, for their part, won't give me
the time of day! So, let's go!
432
00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:38,449
Ooh! Hello, hello!
It's those little lovelies from the coach!
433
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:40,650
- That one's not so little.
- I think they're looking at us.
434
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,260
And not in a weird, terrified,
"leave us alone" way. Amazing!
435
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:44,733
Jay, you're drunkest.
Go over and talk to them.
436
00:21:44,780 --> 00:21:47,692
Nah. Not me, mate.
None of them are as fit as my one outside.
437
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:50,413
Why go for hamburgers
when you've got steak at home?
438
00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:53,691
If, like you, you have neither anywhere.
It's up to you, then, Si.
439
00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:55,173
Oh, shit, really?
I don't know if I'm over Carli.
440
00:21:55,220 --> 00:21:58,769
- Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?!
- Yes, I can.
441
00:21:58,820 --> 00:22:00,811
When you stop being
such a pussy about your ex.
442
00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:02,930
It's time to get back
on the horse now, Si.
443
00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:04,538
And those little ponies need feeding.
444
00:22:05,620 --> 00:22:07,417
Feed the pony.
445
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:10,611
Yeah, OK, I'll introduce us,
but we've all got to go over together.
446
00:22:10,660 --> 00:22:13,094
- Great.
- You fucking sad cases.
447
00:22:13,140 --> 00:22:16,928
You don't just walk up to a girl in a club
and introduce yourself! That's creepy.
448
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:18,698
Clubs have different rules, you dick.
449
00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:22,494
Look, you dance over near them, make
the eyes, then get 'em to dance with you.
450
00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:23,609
Really?!
451
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:25,890
- Annoyingly, that does sound right.
- Thank you!
452
00:22:25,940 --> 00:22:27,976
And then, after a bit,
you stand up behind them,
453
00:22:28,020 --> 00:22:29,931
pretend to slap 'em
and fuck 'em up the arse.
454
00:22:29,980 --> 00:22:31,857
- That might be a bit much.
- Yeah, I dunno...
455
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:33,697
Oh, fucking hell, I'll do it.
456
00:22:33,740 --> 00:22:36,015
- What about Nicole?
- It's only dancing, she likes my dancing.
457
00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:37,698
Stick with me, you'll be fine.
458
00:22:37,740 --> 00:22:41,289
Right, then, Si.
Looks like the holiday starts here.
459
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,218
Am I doing it right? Am I in time?
460
00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:20,013
Maybe a bit out, but not so you'd notice.
Copy Neil.
461
00:23:45,580 --> 00:23:47,172
Sorry. Do you mind
if we come and talk to you?
462
00:23:47,220 --> 00:23:50,178
Cos you look nice, and, frankly, this is
just humiliating for everyone involved.
463
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:52,290
Um...
464
00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:54,217
Sit down, Specs.
465
00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:59,052
Hello. I'm Lucy.
466
00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:02,456
Hi, I'm Diamond...Simon! I'm Simon.
467
00:24:03,940 --> 00:24:05,658
I'd better not get stuck with the fat one.
468
00:24:06,060 --> 00:24:09,211
So, when Alison initially suggested Malia,
we all thought, yeah, why not?
469
00:24:09,260 --> 00:24:11,455
It'll be ironic.
Then we had a reality check
470
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:14,219
and we thought, do we honestly wanna spend
two weeks somewhere being ironic,
471
00:24:14,260 --> 00:24:17,138
and obviously the answer was no,
so then we looked at other places,
472
00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:22,208
but we realised, actually, we just want to
have a laugh and go clubbing and get drunk
473
00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:25,536
and be silly, and that this might
genuinely be a good place to come,
474
00:24:25,580 --> 00:24:26,774
so fuck it, here we are.
475
00:24:26,820 --> 00:24:30,210
Just so you know, I've met a really
fit bird, and she'll be along any minute.
476
00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:33,809
OK. She won't mind you talking to me,
then, will she?
477
00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:37,500
If our dancing was bad -
and it was bad -
478
00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:40,100
then our small talk was even worse.
479
00:24:50,540 --> 00:24:54,169
They were useless. It was up to me, and
so I dived in with my best chat-up line.
480
00:24:54,220 --> 00:24:56,176
- I'm Will, by the way.
- Alison.
481
00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:59,610
So, do this place hire you out as
some sort of avant-garde dance troupe
482
00:24:59,660 --> 00:25:00,979
to scare the customers off?
483
00:25:01,020 --> 00:25:04,092
No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here
on holiday. What's your excuse?
484
00:25:04,140 --> 00:25:05,493
Sort of similar.
485
00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:08,213
I came out here earlier this summer and
fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local,
486
00:25:08,260 --> 00:25:10,899
- so now I'm back.
- Hilarious. Course you did.
487
00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:12,293
What was he, a barman or a waiter?
488
00:25:12,340 --> 00:25:14,649
- Waiter.
- Brilliant. Was he called Stavros?
489
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:16,611
- Nicos.
- Too good.
490
00:25:16,660 --> 00:25:17,854
I bet he's different to all the boys
back home!
491
00:25:17,900 --> 00:25:20,289
Yeah. He understands women, for one.
492
00:25:20,340 --> 00:25:22,012
I'm sure he does.
Must get enough practice.
493
00:25:22,060 --> 00:25:24,813
Not only had Jay not offered
to buy Jane a drink,
494
00:25:24,860 --> 00:25:27,055
he'd now stopped paying for his own.
Meanwhile,
495
00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:29,489
Simon had finally found a subject
he was sure Lucy would love.
496
00:25:29,540 --> 00:25:32,498
It was devastating cos she's definitely
the most beautiful girl I've ever met.
497
00:25:32,540 --> 00:25:35,373
She's so fascinating,
she's really funny, you know.
498
00:25:35,420 --> 00:25:37,888
Oh, right. In what sort of way?
499
00:25:37,940 --> 00:25:39,931
Just like, you know when something's funny
and people get it?
500
00:25:39,980 --> 00:25:41,299
Yes?
501
00:25:41,340 --> 00:25:44,093
So in that way. And also in a comedy way.
502
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:48,811
Neil was a man of few words.
503
00:25:48,860 --> 00:25:50,657
But even for him, this was ridiculous.
504
00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:53,055
Luckily, he had a trump card to play.
505
00:25:53,100 --> 00:25:54,579
D'you wanna dance?
506
00:26:02,820 --> 00:26:04,936
Meanwhile,
Alison didn 't seem to be enjoying
507
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:06,652
my hilarious Greek waiter impression.
508
00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:10,056
So, I presume he wooed you with the old,
"Hh' I love you, hh' I love you!
509
00:26:10,100 --> 00:26:14,059
"You hh'only girl for me!
There's no hh'other girl hh'in my life!
510
00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:16,660
"Oh, wait, here comes the next plane
from Newcastle. I've gotta go, baby."
511
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:19,294
Sorry, you do realise
I'm not playing along with the joke.
512
00:26:19,340 --> 00:26:22,173
I do genuinely have a Greek waiter
boyfriend called Nicos.
513
00:26:22,220 --> 00:26:23,539
No, of course you do.
514
00:26:23,580 --> 00:26:27,175
Brilliant. Nicos.
You've really nailed the clichés.
515
00:26:31,780 --> 00:26:34,613
- You are joking, aren't you?
- No.
516
00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:39,289
His grandmother has a moustache as well,
if that makes the stereotype even funnier.
517
00:26:39,340 --> 00:26:42,537
I'm sorry. I'm sure he's not like
every other waiter out here.
518
00:26:42,580 --> 00:26:44,332
It's fine. You don't know
what you're talking about.
519
00:26:44,380 --> 00:26:46,450
Your accent was pretty good, though.
520
00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:49,731
Oh, I've gotta go. Don't want to miss
my stereotypical Greek boyfriend.
521
00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:51,099
He might get angry and smash some plates.
522
00:26:51,140 --> 00:26:53,131
Or commit atrocities in Anatolia.
523
00:26:54,220 --> 00:26:55,653
You're not normal, are you?
524
00:26:57,380 --> 00:27:00,417
So then Carli said we needed some space.
And uni's coming up,
525
00:27:00,460 --> 00:27:03,054
- so maybe she's right.
- Sorry, who's right?
526
00:27:03,100 --> 00:27:04,294
- Carli?
- Who?
527
00:27:04,340 --> 00:27:05,329
Carli, my ex?
528
00:27:05,380 --> 00:27:08,929
You went out with a girl called Carli?
You should've said!
529
00:27:08,980 --> 00:27:10,732
What? I did!
That's all I've been talking about.
530
00:27:12,860 --> 00:27:13,849
Oh!
531
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:15,891
Yes, I was joking!
532
00:27:15,940 --> 00:27:19,012
Sorry for going on about her. I usually
get a smack in the balls to stop me.
533
00:27:19,060 --> 00:27:20,175
What?!
534
00:27:20,220 --> 00:27:21,335
Um, nothing.
535
00:27:25,820 --> 00:27:28,050
You all right, Lise?
Where's that bloke you were dancing with?
536
00:27:29,100 --> 00:27:32,058
I've got nothing but love for you
537
00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:34,853
I've got nothing but love for you
538
00:27:34,900 --> 00:27:37,812
I've got nothing but love for you...
539
00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:40,533
Luce, we should go. Nicos finishes soon,
and I don't want to miss him.
540
00:27:40,580 --> 00:27:43,458
So, shall we all hang out again sometime?
541
00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:46,333
Yeah. You lot don't seem too bad.
542
00:27:46,380 --> 00:27:50,089
If I hear another bloke out here
refer to women as "gash", I'll scream.
543
00:27:50,140 --> 00:27:55,214
- Yeah. No, that is horrible. Really bad.
- It's awful when men do that. Disgusting.
544
00:27:55,260 --> 00:27:58,013
Do you fancy coming to the all-day
boat party, Friday?
545
00:27:58,060 --> 00:28:01,370
I know it's meant to be sold out, but
our rep reckons he can still get tickets.
546
00:28:01,420 --> 00:28:03,012
All-day boat party - what's that?
547
00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:05,774
Well, it's a party.
548
00:28:05,820 --> 00:28:06,969
OK.
549
00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:08,897
- All day.
- Yep.
550
00:28:08,940 --> 00:28:12,410
- On a boat.
- Oh, right.
551
00:28:13,500 --> 00:28:16,458
Well! Now that's been cleared up,
we should go.
552
00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:17,979
See you later, Will.
553
00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:21,128
Amazing.
554
00:28:21,180 --> 00:28:24,217
Do you realise, we just danced over,
chatted up some girls,
555
00:28:24,260 --> 00:28:25,898
they loved it and you didn't fuck it up!
556
00:28:25,940 --> 00:28:27,532
- Me?!
- Are we players?
557
00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:31,459
I'm starting to think that here, unlike
at home, we might actually be players.
558
00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:34,298
Maybe. I'm not really sure
what that means.
559
00:28:34,340 --> 00:28:36,774
However, cos I've not slept now
for two days, I'm going to bed.
560
00:28:36,820 --> 00:28:38,173
Yeah. My eyeballs feel like
they've got paper cuts.
561
00:28:38,220 --> 00:28:40,654
- Jay, are you coming?
- Fuck that!
562
00:28:40,700 --> 00:28:42,497
There's a fit bird up there
who's so wet for me,
563
00:28:42,540 --> 00:28:44,178
I can hear the waves breaking
in her fanny.
564
00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:47,292
I'm gonna down this, then take her down
the beach and fuck her brains out.
565
00:28:47,340 --> 00:28:49,729
Right, well, we've established
that isn't happening.
566
00:28:49,780 --> 00:28:52,578
Fine. Watch me.
567
00:28:54,820 --> 00:28:56,299
Mm. Classy!
568
00:28:56,340 --> 00:28:58,058
We'd better get Neil.
569
00:29:01,620 --> 00:29:03,656
- Neil...?
- Oh, God! We're off.
570
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:05,258
Right. Won't be a minute,
I'll just finish up here.
571
00:29:05,300 --> 00:29:07,018
Christ, Neil, what about Nicole?
572
00:29:07,060 --> 00:29:08,652
Oh, she won't mind, we're not kissing.
573
00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:11,453
Nah. It's just fingers, in't it, lover?
574
00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:12,819
Right.
575
00:29:12,860 --> 00:29:14,578
Yeah. I'll catch you lot up. One second.
576
00:29:15,940 --> 00:29:17,419
He's definitely picked up the pace.
577
00:29:18,500 --> 00:29:20,536
While Neil picked up
his finger-banging speed,
578
00:29:20,580 --> 00:29:23,697
we picked up Jay - and he had
a chilling prediction to share with us.
579
00:29:23,740 --> 00:29:26,334
She's gonna suck my knob-knob dry.
You watch.
580
00:29:26,380 --> 00:29:28,530
I'd rather not watch,
if it's all the same to you.
581
00:29:28,580 --> 00:29:29,933
Shit, is that Carli?
582
00:29:29,980 --> 00:29:32,369
Look, Si, it's normal
that after a break-up,
583
00:29:32,420 --> 00:29:35,457
you'll think you see her everywhere,
but she's not here.
584
00:29:35,500 --> 00:29:36,933
Yeah. I suppose.
585
00:29:36,980 --> 00:29:38,857
- Could be her.
- What?
586
00:29:38,900 --> 00:29:40,697
Could be her.
She is out here at the moment.
587
00:29:40,740 --> 00:29:41,889
What?!
588
00:29:41,940 --> 00:29:44,010
Well, we weren't sure where
the best place to go was,
589
00:29:44,060 --> 00:29:46,494
and her and her mates are pretty cool,
so I asked them where they was going
590
00:29:46,540 --> 00:29:47,814
and when, and that's why I booked Malia.
591
00:29:47,860 --> 00:29:50,249
You fucking idiot!
I came away to try and get over her!
592
00:29:50,300 --> 00:29:52,177
- Did ya?
- You know I did!
593
00:29:52,220 --> 00:29:53,573
Oh, yeah, course.
594
00:29:55,140 --> 00:29:57,017
Oh, God, look at her.
595
00:29:58,060 --> 00:30:01,336
Do you think this is fate?
Her being here, me being here.
596
00:30:01,380 --> 00:30:02,938
No. I think Neil asked her
where she was going
597
00:30:02,980 --> 00:30:04,698
and then booked the same place,
like he just said.
598
00:30:04,740 --> 00:30:06,173
Let's go before she sees us!
599
00:30:06,220 --> 00:30:07,619
No, no. I've got to go and talk to her.
600
00:30:07,660 --> 00:30:10,299
If there's even the slightest chance
of us getting back together,
601
00:30:10,340 --> 00:30:11,409
I've got to take it.
602
00:30:11,460 --> 00:30:12,939
Carli!
603
00:30:12,980 --> 00:30:14,049
Carli?
604
00:30:14,100 --> 00:30:15,089
Simon?!
605
00:30:15,140 --> 00:30:16,573
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
606
00:30:16,620 --> 00:30:18,099
Stalking you abroad.
607
00:30:18,140 --> 00:30:20,529
No. The opposite, actually.
Just a mix-up by my friends.
608
00:30:20,580 --> 00:30:22,696
My stupid fucking idiot friends.
609
00:30:22,740 --> 00:30:24,492
Well, whatever. It's great to see you.
610
00:30:24,540 --> 00:30:25,689
Is it?!
611
00:30:25,740 --> 00:30:27,059
Yeah, it is. Course.
612
00:30:27,100 --> 00:30:29,170
Course.
613
00:30:29,220 --> 00:30:32,610
So, as we're here, why don't we hang out?
How about right now?
614
00:30:32,660 --> 00:30:36,130
Now? Oh, I can't now. But you'll be
at the boat party on Friday, right?
615
00:30:36,180 --> 00:30:39,650
The boat party? I was literally
just talking about the boat party.
616
00:30:39,700 --> 00:30:41,850
It's gonna be amazing. The best way
to round off our holiday.
617
00:30:41,900 --> 00:30:44,619
What? Why are you going? Don't go.
618
00:30:44,660 --> 00:30:46,537
I've got to go.
My flight leaves on Saturday.
619
00:30:46,580 --> 00:30:48,411
The boat's our last chance to party.
620
00:30:48,460 --> 00:30:50,530
Right. Well, I'll definitely be there,
then.
621
00:30:50,580 --> 00:30:52,411
For total, one million per cent.
Definitely.
622
00:30:52,460 --> 00:30:54,337
Cool. It'll be great to hang out again.
623
00:30:54,380 --> 00:30:55,733
- I've missed you.
- Hmm?
624
00:30:55,780 --> 00:30:57,338
Argh, Jesus!
625
00:30:57,380 --> 00:30:59,575
- Fuck it!
- Sorry, mate.
626
00:30:59,620 --> 00:31:04,569
- James! Are you all right, Simon?
- Yeah, fine. Argh!
627
00:31:04,620 --> 00:31:06,338
I'll walk it off.
628
00:31:06,380 --> 00:31:08,530
Cool, yeah. Carls, come on,
we've gotta go.
629
00:31:08,580 --> 00:31:09,899
Oh, do you two know each other?
630
00:31:09,940 --> 00:31:11,055
Yeah, James is our rep.
631
00:31:11,100 --> 00:31:15,218
Rep, unofficial rep. I sort out club
nights. A bit of party organising, PR...
632
00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:18,650
Just make sure everyone's having
a good time, you know what I mean?
633
00:31:18,700 --> 00:31:21,214
- Are you sure you're all right, mate?
- All good...
634
00:31:21,260 --> 00:31:23,251
Cool. Carls, come on.
635
00:31:25,940 --> 00:31:27,737
Bye, Simon. See you on the boat.
636
00:31:27,780 --> 00:31:30,374
See you, mate. Mind that leg.
637
00:31:34,140 --> 00:31:35,892
I'll sort you out a free fishbowl.
638
00:31:35,940 --> 00:31:37,168
Oi, baby, you stood me up!
639
00:31:37,220 --> 00:31:39,290
Ah, didn't wait long enough, sweetheart.
640
00:31:39,340 --> 00:31:40,659
Come on, kiss me.
641
00:31:40,700 --> 00:31:41,928
I'm working, darling.
642
00:31:41,980 --> 00:31:43,732
I love your boobs.
643
00:31:43,780 --> 00:31:44,895
What?!
644
00:31:44,940 --> 00:31:46,771
What gives you the right to touch me,
you fucking prick?
645
00:31:46,820 --> 00:31:47,809
Wha...?
646
00:31:47,860 --> 00:31:49,816
Sorry, I think he might've had
a little too much of the old drink.
647
00:31:49,860 --> 00:31:52,738
I am sick of every dickhead
thinking he's got touching rights,
648
00:31:52,780 --> 00:31:56,295
just cos I smiled at him.
It's my fucking job, you cretin!
649
00:31:56,340 --> 00:31:57,375
Are you on the blob?
650
00:31:59,580 --> 00:32:01,298
Sexy. I like it.
651
00:32:01,340 --> 00:32:04,491
- No, Jay. Time for bed.
- Fuck that!
652
00:32:04,540 --> 00:32:06,895
You two can bum yourselves to death
on the sofa bed.
653
00:32:06,940 --> 00:32:08,976
I'm going to get another drink.
654
00:32:09,020 --> 00:32:10,897
Jay, don't be insane.
You're too drunk already.
655
00:32:10,940 --> 00:32:13,818
I'm on fucking holiday.
You can't be too drunk!
656
00:32:13,860 --> 00:32:16,579
- You coming, Neil?
- Nah, I like it in there.
657
00:32:16,620 --> 00:32:19,180
And not sleeping for two nights is pretty
much the same as not sleeping for one.
658
00:32:19,220 --> 00:32:20,972
Right, fine.
659
00:32:21,020 --> 00:32:22,248
Fucking knobheads.
660
00:32:23,260 --> 00:32:24,329
How was your chat?
661
00:32:24,380 --> 00:32:28,089
Amazing. Carli is here, Will. That's what
she was worried about, us being apart.
662
00:32:28,140 --> 00:32:29,812
That's why we split up.
663
00:32:29,860 --> 00:32:31,339
But we're not apart,
because we're both here.
664
00:32:31,380 --> 00:32:32,859
I just need to get on that boat.
665
00:32:32,900 --> 00:32:35,698
Actually, can one of youse help me?
I think she might be a two-man job.
666
00:32:40,660 --> 00:32:43,015
What happened to your leg?
667
00:32:43,060 --> 00:32:46,018
- Oh, I got a little bit run over.
- "A little bit run over"?!
668
00:32:50,780 --> 00:32:53,010
The next morning, I was woken up
669
00:32:53,060 --> 00:32:56,689
by what sounded like
Bigfoot having an asthma attack.
670
00:32:58,180 --> 00:33:00,250
Simon...
671
00:33:00,300 --> 00:33:01,858
Simon!
672
00:33:01,900 --> 00:33:04,334
Christ, it's like a sauna in here.
673
00:33:04,380 --> 00:33:06,098
Have you got any water?
674
00:33:07,660 --> 00:33:09,457
What the fuck is that noise?
675
00:33:09,500 --> 00:33:11,013
I think it's Neil.
676
00:33:11,060 --> 00:33:13,415
Oh, no, not the dinner lady
from last night!
677
00:33:13,460 --> 00:33:15,849
I cannot understand a thing you say.
678
00:33:15,900 --> 00:33:18,016
Spunk all over me bastard tits.
679
00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:20,449
Well, it's her or Johnny Vegas.
680
00:33:20,500 --> 00:33:24,254
Fucking smack it!
Smack it, you little prick!
681
00:33:24,300 --> 00:33:26,052
Is that all you've got?
682
00:33:26,100 --> 00:33:27,579
- Shall I bite it?
- Interesting question.
683
00:33:27,620 --> 00:33:30,373
This is beyond creepy.
684
00:33:30,420 --> 00:33:32,297
Twist it right fookin' off!
685
00:33:32,340 --> 00:33:33,932
OK, I'm getting out of here!
686
00:33:33,980 --> 00:33:35,811
Harder!
687
00:33:35,860 --> 00:33:38,454
How can I have spent 100 euros?
688
00:33:38,500 --> 00:33:41,333
Holy shit, I only budgeted 15 euros a day!
689
00:33:41,380 --> 00:33:43,211
Great, so I spunked all my money
690
00:33:43,260 --> 00:33:44,579
- in one night.
- All right!
691
00:33:44,620 --> 00:33:45,609
Oh, Jesus, Neil!
692
00:33:45,660 --> 00:33:48,015
Oh, don't worry about that.
It's on the way down.
693
00:33:48,060 --> 00:33:49,891
- Don't you feel bad about Nicole?
- Who?
694
00:33:49,940 --> 00:33:51,578
Nicole, the girlfriend
you've just cheated on?
695
00:33:51,620 --> 00:33:55,818
Oh, no, no, cos we weren't kissing
and only the tip went in.
696
00:33:55,860 --> 00:33:58,818
Any more than the tip is cheating, and l
would never do that, cos I've got ethics.
697
00:33:58,860 --> 00:34:01,169
- Right...
- Anyone want breakfast?
698
00:34:01,220 --> 00:34:04,098
No, I'm going to go to the Palace Hotel.
It's where those girls we met are staying.
699
00:34:04,140 --> 00:34:05,858
Well, at least you've found
someone to stalk,
700
00:34:05,900 --> 00:34:07,936
other than Carli.
Ow! Not me, Neil!
701
00:34:07,980 --> 00:34:10,540
Lucy reckons their rep can still get boat
party tickets, actually.
702
00:34:10,580 --> 00:34:13,048
Yeah, I'll come. Alison was nice. Neil?
703
00:34:13,100 --> 00:34:15,933
Can't, I had a nightmare.
I left my trunks in England, didn't l?
704
00:34:15,980 --> 00:34:17,459
Wear your Calvins.
They're practically the same.
705
00:34:17,500 --> 00:34:21,095
- Can l, Will?
- Um, yeah, I suppose.
706
00:34:21,140 --> 00:34:24,291
- And can I bring a ball?
- Yes, Neil. Yes, you can.
707
00:34:24,340 --> 00:34:26,456
Cool. Oh, have you guys seen Jay?
708
00:34:26,500 --> 00:34:27,615
Shit, no, not since last night.
709
00:34:27,660 --> 00:34:29,696
No, I mean have you seen him?
He's over there.
710
00:34:39,580 --> 00:34:42,014
So Jay had slept
face down in the dirt.
711
00:34:42,060 --> 00:34:44,415
But I'd woken up listening to Neil
getting sucked off.
712
00:34:44,460 --> 00:34:46,496
As far as I was concerned, he won.
713
00:34:47,660 --> 00:34:50,458
Urgh, ohhh!
714
00:34:52,220 --> 00:34:53,209
Face...!
715
00:34:53,260 --> 00:34:54,773
Yeah, you've got something on your face.
716
00:34:56,180 --> 00:34:58,489
It appears Jay's slept in an ants' nest.
717
00:34:58,540 --> 00:35:00,258
Argh! Pain!
718
00:35:01,260 --> 00:35:03,171
Tongue...
719
00:35:05,980 --> 00:35:10,531
It's all right, boys. Kitty don't bite.
Not now she's been fed.
720
00:35:10,580 --> 00:35:12,536
Hey, lover?
721
00:35:17,300 --> 00:35:19,973
What the fuck was that?!
722
00:35:21,380 --> 00:35:24,292
Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel
was nicer than our hotel.
723
00:35:24,340 --> 00:35:27,650
There are North Korean prison camps
which are nicer than our hotel.
724
00:35:27,700 --> 00:35:29,258
But, like a North Korean prison camp,
725
00:35:29,300 --> 00:35:31,450
it was overcrowded,
so we had nowhere to sit.
726
00:35:31,500 --> 00:35:33,889
- What about there?
- They've got towels on them, Neil.
727
00:35:33,940 --> 00:35:36,056
- So?
- That means people have bagsied them.
728
00:35:36,100 --> 00:35:37,852
- We can't take those.
- Fuck that!
729
00:35:37,900 --> 00:35:40,892
- No, Jay, we can't!
- Watch me!
730
00:35:40,940 --> 00:35:42,259
It's probably just a load of Krauts
731
00:35:42,300 --> 00:35:44,131
that got down early in the morning
to reserve 'em.
732
00:35:44,180 --> 00:35:45,852
That towel's got Finding Nemo on it.
733
00:35:45,900 --> 00:35:48,050
What, so Nazis can't like Disney too?
734
00:35:49,220 --> 00:35:52,496
- Jay!
- Besides, I really need a lie down.
735
00:35:52,540 --> 00:35:54,770
My head's more fucked
than Neil's dad's arsehole.
736
00:35:54,820 --> 00:35:56,139
Jay, please!
737
00:35:56,180 --> 00:35:57,898
Jay and Neil were off to,
738
00:35:57,940 --> 00:36:00,329
as they put it,
"check out the chicas".
739
00:36:00,380 --> 00:36:02,052
But I had a serious problem.
740
00:36:02,100 --> 00:36:04,330
In the absence of my mother, or a teacher,
741
00:36:04,380 --> 00:36:06,098
I needed help with my sunblock.
742
00:36:06,140 --> 00:36:07,414
Simon, will you do my back?
743
00:36:07,460 --> 00:36:09,257
- No.
- No?!
744
00:36:09,300 --> 00:36:12,212
- I don't want to touch you.
- Unbelievable.
745
00:36:12,260 --> 00:36:13,613
Fine, I'll do it myself.
746
00:36:20,780 --> 00:36:22,179
Look all right,
I'll do it with one finger.
747
00:36:22,220 --> 00:36:23,812
Thank you.
748
00:36:24,820 --> 00:36:28,608
You've got too much here.
And here. I'll scrape it off.
749
00:36:28,660 --> 00:36:31,413
OK, but don't try and be funny and draw
a cock on my back or something.
750
00:36:31,460 --> 00:36:32,734
No, course not.
751
00:36:34,900 --> 00:36:36,618
Right, all done.
752
00:36:36,660 --> 00:36:38,810
See, that wasn't so bad, was it?
753
00:36:38,860 --> 00:36:41,135
No, that was fine.
754
00:36:41,180 --> 00:36:43,375
I was really enjoying my book,
755
00:36:43,420 --> 00:36:46,969
blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn
phallus burning itself onto my skin.
756
00:36:47,190 --> 00:36:50,227
Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble
with his emergency funds.
757
00:36:50,270 --> 00:36:53,228
- Are you all right?
- Y eah, it's just that 20 euros.
758
00:36:53,270 --> 00:36:56,546
Ay-oh, Jay, here we go,
we've been spotted.
759
00:36:56,590 --> 00:36:57,909
Seen 'em.
760
00:36:57,950 --> 00:36:58,985
Look cool.
761
00:37:05,750 --> 00:37:07,661
Manchester.
762
00:37:08,950 --> 00:37:09,780
Manchester!
763
00:37:09,830 --> 00:37:12,025
- Who's this little twat?
- You from Manchester?
764
00:37:12,070 --> 00:37:13,105
You like Manchester?
765
00:37:13,150 --> 00:37:15,300
- Yeah, yeah. Near Manchester.
- No, you aren't.
766
00:37:15,350 --> 00:37:17,306
Shut up, Neil,
the birds are loving it.
767
00:37:18,390 --> 00:37:21,382
- Goal!
- Goal!
768
00:37:21,430 --> 00:37:23,898
Goal to Manchester! Yeah!
769
00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:25,269
No. Manchester, down.
770
00:37:27,630 --> 00:37:29,507
Yeah, hilarious.
Now, get out the way.
771
00:37:31,670 --> 00:37:32,705
Whoa!
772
00:37:38,750 --> 00:37:40,706
Right. You're fucking dead,
you little shit!
773
00:37:41,750 --> 00:37:45,265
Mate, just leave it,
the chicas are looking, just laugh it off.
774
00:38:05,150 --> 00:38:07,584
No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.
775
00:38:08,830 --> 00:38:11,060
Oh! Alison. Hello!
776
00:38:11,110 --> 00:38:13,544
Hello. You know you've got
a spunking cock on your back?
777
00:38:13,590 --> 00:38:15,945
What?
778
00:38:15,990 --> 00:38:17,628
Oh, no. Thanks, Simon,
779
00:38:17,670 --> 00:38:19,945
very funny, very mature. So I've been
lying here with a cock on my back, have l?
780
00:38:19,990 --> 00:38:21,582
Not for the first time.
781
00:38:21,630 --> 00:38:25,100
I'll burn a muff on my tit if it makes
you feel less self-conscious.
782
00:38:25,150 --> 00:38:26,629
It would, actually.
We'd make quite the pair.
783
00:38:26,670 --> 00:38:28,626
You've got a really good spot here.
784
00:38:28,670 --> 00:38:30,342
Yes, Jay, um...sort of, um...
785
00:38:30,390 --> 00:38:32,221
Did he use some of his boyish charm?
786
00:38:32,270 --> 00:38:33,703
In a way, yes.
787
00:38:33,750 --> 00:38:36,742
I think I might start drinking again.
Anyone fancy joining me?
788
00:38:36,790 --> 00:38:38,143
Um, yes, I will!
789
00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:39,384
Oh.
790
00:38:39,430 --> 00:38:41,864
Lucky me!
791
00:38:43,910 --> 00:38:45,866
Oh, I'm knackered.
792
00:38:45,910 --> 00:38:49,061
- Fishbowl hangover?
- No. Nicos was over last night.
793
00:38:49,110 --> 00:38:50,907
Does not stop talking.
794
00:38:50,950 --> 00:38:52,588
No, we were having sex.
795
00:38:52,630 --> 00:38:54,348
Right.
796
00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:57,422
Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable
when I mention sex?
797
00:38:57,470 --> 00:39:00,985
No! No, it's good,
it's great that you're so...
798
00:39:01,030 --> 00:39:02,463
sexually active.
799
00:39:02,510 --> 00:39:05,229
Yeah, I suppose it is.
800
00:39:05,270 --> 00:39:09,548
- What's the best sex you've had, Will?
- Well, um... hard to say, really.
801
00:39:09,590 --> 00:39:10,864
Come on, you can tell me.
802
00:39:10,910 --> 00:39:12,946
Oh! I don't like to sex and tell.
803
00:39:12,990 --> 00:39:14,708
Don't be boring, just tell me.
804
00:39:15,750 --> 00:39:17,786
Look, I'm going to level with you,
805
00:39:17,830 --> 00:39:20,708
I have never...put my penis in a lady.
806
00:39:20,750 --> 00:39:22,866
That's all right, you're a virgin,
that's cool.
807
00:39:22,910 --> 00:39:25,470
It's definitely not cool.
If anything, it's famously uncool.
808
00:39:25,510 --> 00:39:26,545
Well, it's cute, then.
809
00:39:26,590 --> 00:39:28,069
Oh, God, that's even worse.
810
00:39:28,110 --> 00:39:30,749
- You're funny, Will.
- Well, that's something.
811
00:39:30,790 --> 00:39:32,701
Can I get a girl into bed for sex
just by making her laugh?
812
00:39:32,750 --> 00:39:33,899
Course you can.
813
00:39:33,950 --> 00:39:35,747
Wow! Great.
814
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:37,667
If she's a clinical moron.
815
00:39:39,510 --> 00:39:41,387
Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.
816
00:39:41,430 --> 00:39:43,864
What a welcome.
Nice to see you too.
817
00:39:43,910 --> 00:39:45,946
Yeah. Good. Now, can you
still get boat party tickets?
818
00:39:45,990 --> 00:39:48,663
I'd have thought so,
I'd just have to go and find the rep.
819
00:39:48,710 --> 00:39:49,938
So are you coming along, then?
820
00:39:49,990 --> 00:39:51,628
Yeah, course. It'll be amazing.
821
00:39:51,670 --> 00:39:52,659
Great.
822
00:39:52,710 --> 00:39:54,621
Cos Carli's here. In Malia.
823
00:39:54,670 --> 00:39:55,819
And she's going to be
on the boat tomorrow.
824
00:39:55,870 --> 00:39:58,020
If I can just get five minutes
alone with her,
825
00:39:58,070 --> 00:39:59,867
I know we'll fix things up, it's fate.
826
00:39:59,910 --> 00:40:02,743
So, can you go and get those tickets?
827
00:40:02,790 --> 00:40:05,099
You really know how
to make a girl feel special, don't you?
828
00:40:05,150 --> 00:40:06,902
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
829
00:40:06,950 --> 00:40:08,269
Carli is going to love it.
830
00:40:08,310 --> 00:40:09,299
Can you hurry up?
831
00:40:11,590 --> 00:40:14,104
Simon's plan was coming together.
832
00:40:14,150 --> 00:40:17,825
Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience
the full force of Jay's boyish charm.
833
00:40:17,870 --> 00:40:19,349
Can you move? You're blocking the sun.
834
00:40:19,390 --> 00:40:20,709
Charming!
835
00:40:20,750 --> 00:40:22,422
What's happened to your face, Jay?
836
00:40:23,550 --> 00:40:24,744
It's a food allergy.
837
00:40:24,790 --> 00:40:27,588
I could do with one of those,
maybe an iced-bun allergy.
838
00:40:27,630 --> 00:40:29,143
Yeah. You could.
839
00:40:29,190 --> 00:40:32,148
Meanwhile, Neil had
a surprise in store for Lisa.
840
00:40:35,430 --> 00:40:37,068
Forgot my trunks.
841
00:40:37,110 --> 00:40:39,260
Fancy a swim?
842
00:40:42,150 --> 00:40:43,868
Oh, leave it out, you little prick.
843
00:40:48,110 --> 00:40:50,226
Right, that's it!
I'm going to fucking kill ya,
844
00:40:50,270 --> 00:40:51,942
- I'm going to fucking kill ya!
- Oi!
845
00:40:51,990 --> 00:40:53,469
Those are our sunbeds.
And where's our towels?
846
00:40:53,510 --> 00:40:55,148
Oh, good.
847
00:40:55,190 --> 00:40:57,021
Well, there weren't any towels
when we arrived
848
00:40:57,070 --> 00:40:58,264
and we've been here for the last hour.
849
00:40:58,310 --> 00:41:00,619
I didn't ask to read your fucking diary,
love. I said, "Where's our towels?"
850
00:41:00,670 --> 00:41:02,388
Now, there's no need to be abusive.
851
00:41:02,430 --> 00:41:03,988
If you look around,
there are signs everywhere
852
00:41:04,030 --> 00:41:05,224
saying you can't reserve sunbeds.
853
00:41:05,270 --> 00:41:06,703
So you moved our towels?
854
00:41:06,750 --> 00:41:09,742
The point I'm making is,
whatever the fate of the towels,
855
00:41:09,790 --> 00:41:11,143
these cannot be your beds.
856
00:41:11,190 --> 00:41:12,942
What have you done
with my fucking towels?
857
00:41:12,990 --> 00:41:15,379
Sir, I get you nice other beds.
Please, take up your stuff.
858
00:41:15,430 --> 00:41:17,022
Me?! What?
859
00:41:17,070 --> 00:41:18,105
Why should we move?
860
00:41:18,150 --> 00:41:19,219
Because he's made a scene?
861
00:41:19,270 --> 00:41:21,659
Because his family are too lazy
to walk 20 feet to the pool?
862
00:41:21,710 --> 00:41:22,779
Seriously, mate, I am warning you.
863
00:41:22,830 --> 00:41:24,309
Why have a rule
if you aren't going to enforce it?
864
00:41:24,350 --> 00:41:26,306
The signs are redundant.
865
00:41:27,470 --> 00:41:30,268
My towel!
866
00:41:30,310 --> 00:41:31,663
Disabled. Course she is.
867
00:41:31,710 --> 00:41:32,699
Here you go.
868
00:41:32,750 --> 00:41:34,422
- Happy now?
- Well, obviously not.
869
00:41:37,510 --> 00:41:38,943
And that isn't helping.
870
00:41:38,990 --> 00:41:40,787
You lot have got five seconds
to get off my sunbeds.
871
00:41:40,830 --> 00:41:42,263
Right, come on, Will,
we'll just find somewhere else.
872
00:41:42,310 --> 00:41:43,709
But I still don't see
why we should move.
873
00:41:43,750 --> 00:41:45,661
Yes, his daughter
has a serious condition,
874
00:41:45,710 --> 00:41:47,382
but it's not like the whole family
875
00:41:47,430 --> 00:41:49,182
are therefore entitled
to pool-side seats for life.
876
00:41:49,230 --> 00:41:52,461
Plus, strictly speaking,
she doesn't even need another chair.
877
00:41:55,190 --> 00:41:56,509
Are you guests at this hotel?
878
00:41:57,630 --> 00:42:00,349
Ah! No! I no swim!
879
00:42:00,390 --> 00:42:03,268
Please, mister, I no swim, I beg you.
880
00:42:03,310 --> 00:42:05,028
Not pool!
881
00:42:05,070 --> 00:42:06,389
Argh!
882
00:42:06,430 --> 00:42:07,419
All right. All right.
883
00:42:07,470 --> 00:42:09,700
It's just a joke! We're... We're mates!
884
00:42:12,790 --> 00:42:15,020
So little, so little!
885
00:42:15,070 --> 00:42:16,059
Ah!
886
00:42:30,910 --> 00:42:32,866
Great.
887
00:42:34,870 --> 00:42:37,464
And with a rough grab
from a BO-ridden security guard,
888
00:42:37,510 --> 00:42:40,627
Simon's perfect plan came crashing down.
889
00:42:42,270 --> 00:42:44,625
- Thanks a lot, Jay.
- Me?! What have I done?
890
00:42:44,670 --> 00:42:46,069
Oh, I don't know... Oh, yeah!
891
00:42:46,110 --> 00:42:47,702
Fucked everything up for me,
like you always do.
892
00:42:47,750 --> 00:42:50,105
I had to teach him a lesson, Si,
he was mugging me off.
893
00:42:50,150 --> 00:42:51,902
He was nine years old and couldn't swim!
894
00:42:51,950 --> 00:42:54,669
- Now my life is ruined. Thanks.
- Is this about the tickets?
895
00:42:54,710 --> 00:42:56,746
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!
896
00:42:56,790 --> 00:42:58,428
So, you don't get to go
to the boat party, so what?!
897
00:42:58,470 --> 00:43:00,222
So I don't get back together
with the woman I love!
898
00:43:00,270 --> 00:43:02,181
Look, it's not my fault
Carli thinks you're a prick.
899
00:43:02,230 --> 00:43:03,549
You want to watch me more closely, mate,
900
00:43:03,590 --> 00:43:04,943
- you might actually learn something.
- Oh, yeah?
901
00:43:04,990 --> 00:43:06,218
And what would I learn?
902
00:43:06,270 --> 00:43:07,305
How to bullshit about having sex?
903
00:43:07,350 --> 00:43:08,669
How to sleep in an ants' nest?
904
00:43:08,710 --> 00:43:11,702
- How to be scared shitless of my dad?!
- Oh, come on, Si, calm down.
905
00:43:11,750 --> 00:43:13,980
Maybe you'd learn not to be such
a massive tool over that miserable cunt.
906
00:43:14,030 --> 00:43:15,748
Don't call Carli a cunt!
907
00:43:35,270 --> 00:43:36,942
- You had enough yet?!
- Have you had enough yet?
908
00:43:36,990 --> 00:43:38,582
- I asked first!
- Ah...
909
00:43:38,630 --> 00:43:39,983
- Uh!
- We should do something.
910
00:43:40,030 --> 00:43:41,463
Yeah, do you want to go
and get a Subway?
911
00:43:41,510 --> 00:43:44,104
No. I meant about the fight,
we should break it up.
912
00:43:44,150 --> 00:43:45,822
Yeah.
913
00:43:45,870 --> 00:43:47,303
All right, come on, you two.
914
00:43:47,350 --> 00:43:48,624
No!
915
00:43:48,670 --> 00:43:50,103
Uh!
916
00:43:50,150 --> 00:43:52,710
I'm sick of his bollocks,
I'm going to fucking do him.
917
00:43:52,750 --> 00:43:54,945
Oh, you're hard, Si,
I didn't see you do me just now.
918
00:43:54,990 --> 00:43:56,742
- Come back here, then, you prick.
- Let's go for a walk!
919
00:43:56,790 --> 00:43:58,223
- Don't cry, Si.
- I'm not crying!
920
00:43:58,270 --> 00:44:00,340
- You're crying!
- Don't look like it, you're crying!
921
00:44:00,390 --> 00:44:02,460
- Come here, then.
- See you later, then, Will.
922
00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:11,782
Honestly, I'm done with that arsehole.
923
00:44:11,830 --> 00:44:13,422
I mean, why do I even
hang round with him?
924
00:44:13,470 --> 00:44:16,348
Well, yeah, obviously
we all wonder that at times.
925
00:44:16,390 --> 00:44:19,302
Look, it's been a tough couple of days,
the Carli thing is weird,
926
00:44:19,350 --> 00:44:20,499
but just cos you were
in a fight with Jay,
927
00:44:20,550 --> 00:44:21,778
- you don't have to leave.
- I'm not leaving.
928
00:44:21,830 --> 00:44:24,219
But you are aware
you're packing your suitcase.
929
00:44:28,630 --> 00:44:31,269
- I've never liked him.
- You've been mates since primary school.
930
00:44:31,310 --> 00:44:32,789
He's a little crybaby poof.
931
00:44:32,830 --> 00:44:35,264
And his hair,
everyone took the piss out of that.
932
00:44:35,310 --> 00:44:37,028
But not me, I didn't.
933
00:44:37,070 --> 00:44:38,185
Fucking wish I had now.
934
00:44:38,230 --> 00:44:40,619
- You did a bit.
- Well, no, course, a bit.
935
00:44:40,670 --> 00:44:42,308
But... not enough.
936
00:44:42,350 --> 00:44:43,669
He's a total twat!
937
00:44:43,710 --> 00:44:46,622
Oh, that's harsh, mate.
He can be a knob, but he's not a twat.
938
00:44:46,670 --> 00:44:49,104
- I'm going to sell my clothes.
- Oh, you're having a breakdown.
939
00:44:49,150 --> 00:44:51,823
She means so much to me, Will,
I don't care about anything else.
940
00:44:51,870 --> 00:44:52,859
If I can get enough money together,
941
00:44:52,910 --> 00:44:54,343
I can buy a ticket
for the boat party off someone,
942
00:44:54,390 --> 00:44:57,382
somehow, whatever it costs.
Money is all I need.
943
00:44:57,430 --> 00:44:59,068
I agree with you on money,
but who's going to buy your clothes?
944
00:44:59,110 --> 00:45:00,828
No offence, but you dress appallingly.
945
00:45:00,870 --> 00:45:02,701
Are you going to help
or just constantly undermine me?
946
00:45:02,750 --> 00:45:05,947
- Bit of both, I'd imagine.
- Fine.
947
00:45:05,990 --> 00:45:07,469
Do you think Alison likes me?
948
00:45:07,510 --> 00:45:09,944
13 years he's been dragging me down.
949
00:45:09,990 --> 00:45:11,423
Well...fuck him.
950
00:45:11,470 --> 00:45:12,698
- What's that?
- Boat party tickets,
951
00:45:12,750 --> 00:45:13,819
I bought four the other night
952
00:45:13,870 --> 00:45:16,065
before I passed out.
Cost a fortune.
953
00:45:16,110 --> 00:45:17,543
I thought I'd surprise him.
954
00:45:17,590 --> 00:45:18,989
Well, here's his fucking surprise.
955
00:45:19,030 --> 00:45:20,861
- Oh, no, Jay, don't.
- No, fuck him!
956
00:45:20,910 --> 00:45:23,185
And fuck that dick Will too.
957
00:45:30,110 --> 00:45:31,941
What shall we do now, then?
958
00:45:33,030 --> 00:45:34,986
Now we have the best holiday ever...
959
00:45:35,030 --> 00:45:37,590
- and do what we came here to do!
- Get better at swimming!
960
00:45:37,630 --> 00:45:39,063
No.
961
00:45:39,110 --> 00:45:41,670
Go on Pussay Patrol!
962
00:45:41,710 --> 00:45:43,109
Unfortunately for him,
963
00:45:43,150 --> 00:45:46,665
Simon wasn't the only person in Malia
trying to sell shit no-one wanted.
964
00:45:46,710 --> 00:45:47,779
- Looky, looky. Hello?
- Hello!
965
00:45:47,830 --> 00:45:49,627
- Looky.
- Nice lady, good price.
966
00:45:49,670 --> 00:45:50,989
Clothes? Looky, looky.
967
00:45:51,030 --> 00:45:53,339
Top clothes for sale.
You want clothes? Good price.
968
00:45:53,390 --> 00:45:56,700
I think you'd have more luck
selling the big glasses.
969
00:45:56,750 --> 00:45:58,103
Isn't that Carli's friend?
970
00:45:58,150 --> 00:45:59,742
He's a rep,
I don't think they're really friends.
971
00:45:59,790 --> 00:46:00,984
All right, mate?
972
00:46:01,030 --> 00:46:02,463
What's this,
the world's shittest boot fair?
973
00:46:02,510 --> 00:46:04,899
Ha! No, just selling my clothes
for some money.
974
00:46:04,950 --> 00:46:05,939
I need money, desperately.
975
00:46:05,990 --> 00:46:08,060
All right! Well, as luck would have it,
976
00:46:08,110 --> 00:46:09,702
I've got a mate
who's had his apartment broken into.
977
00:46:09,750 --> 00:46:11,706
Fuckers nicked all his clothes.
978
00:46:11,750 --> 00:46:13,547
I reckon he'll be interested,
I'll call him.
979
00:46:13,590 --> 00:46:15,228
That'd be amazing, thanks so much.
980
00:46:15,270 --> 00:46:17,545
No problem, mate.
All part of the service, yeah?
981
00:46:17,590 --> 00:46:18,943
- See?
- All right, mate?
982
00:46:18,990 --> 00:46:21,026
Yeah, yeah. Got some clothes.
983
00:46:21,070 --> 00:46:23,504
Yeah. Um, got some girls' T-shirts.
984
00:46:23,550 --> 00:46:25,381
- These are girls', right?
- No.
985
00:46:25,430 --> 00:46:26,909
Hoodies like your mum would buy you.
986
00:46:26,950 --> 00:46:28,463
The sort of jeans Jeremy Clarkson wears.
987
00:46:28,510 --> 00:46:31,183
Oh, yeah, yeah!
It's all shit, yeah. Hold on.
988
00:46:31,230 --> 00:46:32,709
He says he'll give you
100 euros for the lot.
989
00:46:32,750 --> 00:46:35,503
Amazing! Totally! Cool!
990
00:46:35,550 --> 00:46:39,589
Coolio! Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God. Thanks so much, man.
991
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:40,779
Including what you're wearing now.
992
00:46:40,830 --> 00:46:42,900
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, that's the deal.
993
00:46:44,870 --> 00:46:46,701
Obviously he's not going
to take his clothes off.
994
00:46:46,750 --> 00:46:48,342
Oh, nice one.
995
00:46:48,390 --> 00:46:49,982
Oh!
996
00:46:50,030 --> 00:46:52,385
He's going to need your pants too.
997
00:46:52,430 --> 00:46:53,783
What, these?
998
00:46:53,830 --> 00:46:54,979
Fuckin' thieves stole everything.
999
00:46:55,030 --> 00:46:58,102
Gimme your pants, I'll be back
before you know it with your 1 00 euros.
1000
00:46:58,150 --> 00:47:00,459
Sorry, this has gone too far.
Simon, do not take your pants off.
1001
00:47:00,510 --> 00:47:02,785
Stop always telling me what to do, Will,
I'm an adult!
1002
00:47:02,830 --> 00:47:05,139
James is doing me a favour,
what are you doing, eh?
1003
00:47:11,630 --> 00:47:12,619
Here you are.
1004
00:47:12,670 --> 00:47:14,581
- You'll be right back, yeah?
- Course I will.
1005
00:47:14,630 --> 00:47:16,222
I'll see you very soon.
1006
00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:20,581
Thanks, James.
Thanks so much, man!
1007
00:47:27,110 --> 00:47:28,941
Yeah. Cheers, Abdul, good luck, mate.
1008
00:47:33,790 --> 00:47:35,269
James isn't coming back, is he?
1009
00:47:35,310 --> 00:47:36,345
Don't think so.
1010
00:47:36,390 --> 00:47:37,459
Brilliant.
1011
00:47:37,510 --> 00:47:41,025
So we made Simon some makeshift pants
and headed home to get changed.
1012
00:47:41,070 --> 00:47:43,061
Simon,
1013
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:45,578
- please, don't fart in my T-shirt.
- Sorry.
1014
00:47:47,510 --> 00:47:50,627
In just 24 hours, Malia had pretty much
broken me and Simon,
1015
00:47:50,670 --> 00:47:52,388
so in a way I had to admire
Jay and Neil
1016
00:47:52,430 --> 00:47:54,421
as they rolled up the sleeves
on their offensive T-shirts
1017
00:47:54,470 --> 00:47:56,506
and dived straight back in.
1018
00:48:18,310 --> 00:48:19,459
This place is mental.
1019
00:48:19,510 --> 00:48:22,229
It's decadent, Neil,
that's what they call it.
1020
00:48:22,270 --> 00:48:23,942
This is what we came here for.
1021
00:48:23,990 --> 00:48:26,424
You wouldn't find those other
two muppets in a place like this.
1022
00:48:26,470 --> 00:48:28,347
They'd just shit themselves
and run away.
1023
00:48:29,390 --> 00:48:31,346
And now all the way
from Privilege in Ibiza,
1024
00:48:31,390 --> 00:48:33,460
we have a very, very special act.
1025
00:48:33,510 --> 00:48:36,388
It's probably some fit dancer
who'll take one look at me
1026
00:48:36,430 --> 00:48:37,783
and wanna bang me all night.
1027
00:48:37,830 --> 00:48:39,024
Yeah, and we've got the best view.
1028
00:48:39,070 --> 00:48:40,788
I bet you'll be able to see
right up the snatch from here.
1029
00:48:40,830 --> 00:48:43,105
This is it, Neil,
this is a fucking holiday.
1030
00:48:43,150 --> 00:48:45,141
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...
1031
00:48:45,190 --> 00:48:46,589
Fernando!
1032
00:48:58,710 --> 00:49:02,259
Must be like a cage fighter
or martial-arts type thing.
1033
00:49:14,870 --> 00:49:15,780
Whoa!
1034
00:49:19,630 --> 00:49:20,745
Is this a bit gay?
1035
00:49:22,150 --> 00:49:23,583
No, it's decadent.
1036
00:49:23,630 --> 00:49:26,428
Let's have a big cheer for Fernando,
1037
00:49:26,470 --> 00:49:29,189
the master of self-fellatio!
1038
00:49:31,550 --> 00:49:33,666
I don't know if I like decadent things.
1039
00:49:40,110 --> 00:49:43,307
Jay and Neil never told us
how close they came to Fernando's cock,
1040
00:49:43,350 --> 00:49:44,908
but they did say they could smell it.
1041
00:49:44,950 --> 00:49:46,906
And they were still having
more fun than us.
1042
00:49:48,350 --> 00:49:50,818
Last two, shall we pretend
they're pudding?
1043
00:49:50,870 --> 00:49:52,588
All right, fellas?
1044
00:49:52,630 --> 00:49:53,824
Romantic dinner, is it?
1045
00:49:53,870 --> 00:49:55,986
I've just had a 'mare, right?
1046
00:49:56,030 --> 00:49:58,385
Some massive body-building geezer
came running out the bushes at me,
1047
00:49:58,430 --> 00:50:01,103
God knows why. Anyway,
I've lamped him, he's gone flying...
1048
00:50:01,150 --> 00:50:02,424
I think I might
have killed him.
1049
00:50:05,110 --> 00:50:07,704
OK, well, it's been lovely
to chat, Richard...
1050
00:50:07,750 --> 00:50:09,342
- Can you lend us 50 quid?
- Um, no.
1051
00:50:09,390 --> 00:50:11,142
Simple and clear. 30?
1052
00:50:11,190 --> 00:50:13,101
- No, we're going.
- Are we? Where?
1053
00:50:13,150 --> 00:50:14,469
Terrible bar I know.
See you later, Richard.
1054
00:50:14,510 --> 00:50:16,421
10? 10?
1055
00:50:16,470 --> 00:50:19,189
10? 10? 5?!
1056
00:50:27,310 --> 00:50:29,665
Here, look, it's that James bloke
Carli's sucking off.
1057
00:50:29,710 --> 00:50:30,699
Oh, yeah.
1058
00:50:30,750 --> 00:50:32,786
See, now that looks like a proper laugh.
1059
00:50:32,830 --> 00:50:36,539
Neil, I think it's time the Pussay Patrol
recruited some new members.
1060
00:50:39,230 --> 00:50:40,219
You all right, mate?
1061
00:50:42,230 --> 00:50:43,219
Do I know you?
1062
00:50:43,270 --> 00:50:44,749
Yeah, we're mates of Carli's.
1063
00:50:44,790 --> 00:50:45,825
Ah, yeah.
1064
00:50:45,870 --> 00:50:46,939
Carli Cling-on.
1065
00:50:46,990 --> 00:50:48,218
Nice girl, bit keen.
1066
00:50:48,270 --> 00:50:49,464
Yeah.
1067
00:50:49,510 --> 00:50:50,499
Our mate's in love with her,
1068
00:50:50,550 --> 00:50:51,824
- the fucking dick.
- Oh, is he?
1069
00:50:51,870 --> 00:50:54,464
Well, tell him he can have a sniff
on these if he's lucky.
1070
00:50:54,510 --> 00:50:56,978
Yeah, well, no, he's not really a mate.
1071
00:50:57,030 --> 00:50:59,066
We ditched him, yeah, he's too tragic.
1072
00:51:03,190 --> 00:51:05,021
It's a wicked place, this. Nice vibe.
1073
00:51:05,070 --> 00:51:07,584
What, you think a bloke
sucking his own cock is wicked?
1074
00:51:07,630 --> 00:51:08,619
Are you bent?
1075
00:51:10,030 --> 00:51:11,588
No, course not.
1076
00:51:11,630 --> 00:51:13,063
We're the Pussay Patrol.
1077
00:51:13,110 --> 00:51:14,099
Pussay Patrol?!
1078
00:51:14,150 --> 00:51:16,266
More like the Bumming Brigade.
1079
00:51:17,030 --> 00:51:19,749
The only pussy you'll get will be a cat.
1080
00:51:21,790 --> 00:51:23,109
Oi!
1081
00:51:23,150 --> 00:51:26,062
I said, the only pussy they'll get
will be a cat.
1082
00:51:26,110 --> 00:51:29,500
You know, like one of them stray cats
you get round here.
1083
00:51:29,550 --> 00:51:31,586
- Oh, good one!
- Fuck you, you lanky prick.
1084
00:51:32,590 --> 00:51:34,228
You two are fucking me off.
Get out of my face.
1085
00:51:34,270 --> 00:51:36,943
Oh, no, come on, we're having a laugh,
we're all right here.
1086
00:51:36,990 --> 00:51:39,550
You're not fucking all right anywhere,
you scrawny little shit.
1087
00:51:39,590 --> 00:51:42,058
Now fuck off before I put
a glass in your throat.
1088
00:51:50,630 --> 00:51:52,063
You all right, Jay?
1089
00:51:52,110 --> 00:51:53,862
Yeah.
1090
00:51:53,910 --> 00:51:54,899
Are you crying?
1091
00:51:54,950 --> 00:51:57,623
No, it's just the smoke in here.
1092
00:51:57,670 --> 00:51:58,659
There isn't any.
1093
00:51:58,710 --> 00:52:00,940
Yeah, that's what I mean.
1094
00:52:00,990 --> 00:52:02,548
Do you want to go somewhere
not decadent?
1095
00:52:30,110 --> 00:52:32,988
So what happens now?
It's probably a bit far
1096
00:52:33,030 --> 00:52:35,021
for my dad to come and pick us up.
1097
00:52:37,110 --> 00:52:39,829
- Oh, great.
- Be nice,
1098
00:52:39,870 --> 00:52:41,349
maybe he's come to apologise.
1099
00:52:52,670 --> 00:52:53,659
All right?
1100
00:52:53,710 --> 00:52:54,779
We were just leaving, actually.
1101
00:52:54,830 --> 00:52:56,946
- Oh, don't cry, Simon.
- I'm not crying.
1102
00:52:56,990 --> 00:52:57,979
No, Jay, it was you that was crying,
1103
00:52:58,030 --> 00:52:59,224
- remember?
- Neil!
1104
00:52:59,270 --> 00:53:01,420
Come on, Si, sit down,
let's all share a fishbowl.
1105
00:53:01,470 --> 00:53:03,267
- We're totally out of cash.
- Yeah.
1106
00:53:03,310 --> 00:53:04,823
We're not all lucky enough
to have had a relative die.
1107
00:53:04,870 --> 00:53:06,622
Well, you're clearly fucked without me,
1108
00:53:06,670 --> 00:53:08,149
so I was going to offer
to pay for your drinks,
1109
00:53:08,190 --> 00:53:09,509
but if you're going
to be a baby about it,
1110
00:53:09,550 --> 00:53:11,108
- then fuck it.
- Were you really?
1111
00:53:12,190 --> 00:53:15,944
Well, I'm not arsed either way,
but if I have to...yes.
1112
00:53:15,990 --> 00:53:17,264
Si?
1113
00:53:19,510 --> 00:53:21,228
All right, thank you, Jay.
1114
00:53:22,750 --> 00:53:24,103
Shake.
1115
00:53:30,550 --> 00:53:32,506
Group hug?
1116
00:53:35,870 --> 00:53:38,145
Oh, go on, Neil,
just one more suicide shot.
1117
00:53:38,190 --> 00:53:39,339
Fuckin' hell.
1118
00:53:54,110 --> 00:53:55,259
Right. Tenner, please.
1119
00:53:55,310 --> 00:53:57,870
- Sorry, mate, had my fingers crossed.
- Oh, not again!
1120
00:53:59,350 --> 00:54:01,944
Oh, my God!
I never expected to see them again.
1121
00:54:01,990 --> 00:54:04,026
Doesn't matter, though, does it?
Cos even if Lucy
1122
00:54:04,070 --> 00:54:06,379
can get a ticket for the boat party,
I now can't afford one.
1123
00:54:06,430 --> 00:54:09,308
Yes, but incredible as it may seem,
Simon, I wasn't thinking about you.
1124
00:54:09,350 --> 00:54:10,385
Hi, guys.
1125
00:54:10,430 --> 00:54:12,705
Taking a break from drowning children?
1126
00:54:12,750 --> 00:54:13,739
We are.
1127
00:54:13,790 --> 00:54:15,303
And welcome back to Malia's
least-cool bar.
1128
00:54:15,350 --> 00:54:16,544
We're regulars, obviously.
1129
00:54:16,590 --> 00:54:18,148
Surprised to see you here again.
1130
00:54:18,190 --> 00:54:20,750
Well, it's the only place we've been
where the blokes weren't total animals.
1131
00:54:20,790 --> 00:54:22,826
I'll take that as a compliment.
Hello, by the way.
1132
00:54:22,870 --> 00:54:24,019
Hello, Spectacles.
1133
00:54:24,070 --> 00:54:26,186
Still going to get shit-faced, though.
Shots only?
1134
00:54:26,230 --> 00:54:28,460
- Are you man enough, Jay-bo?
- Course.
1135
00:54:28,510 --> 00:54:29,784
Thought you would be.
1136
00:54:29,830 --> 00:54:32,219
Clearly, Alison was out of my league.
1137
00:54:32,270 --> 00:54:33,942
But then all girls I like
are out of my league.
1138
00:54:33,990 --> 00:54:36,220
Look at me. Imagine my league.
1139
00:54:36,270 --> 00:54:37,908
It had to be worth a go.
1140
00:54:37,950 --> 00:54:40,100
So I've been thinking, about us...
1141
00:54:40,150 --> 00:54:42,345
- What, the four of you?
- No, me and you.
1142
00:54:42,390 --> 00:54:43,379
Well, there is no "us",
1143
00:54:43,430 --> 00:54:45,864
so that must have been a weird
thought process, but go on.
1144
00:54:45,910 --> 00:54:48,583
- I'm not sure Nicos is right for you.
- lnteresting.
1145
00:54:48,630 --> 00:54:51,428
Why wouldn't my sexy, charming,
caring boyfriend,
1146
00:54:51,470 --> 00:54:53,222
who is also a sensational lover,
1147
00:54:53,270 --> 00:54:55,386
- be right for me?
- You'd say sensational, would you?
1148
00:54:55,430 --> 00:54:57,227
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
1149
00:54:57,270 --> 00:54:59,500
It was nice of Richard Branson
to lend you an outfit.
1150
00:54:59,550 --> 00:55:00,869
It's Neil's. Is it really that bad?
1151
00:55:02,030 --> 00:55:04,908
Well, at least you look fantastic.
Right, there's only one thing for it,
1152
00:55:04,950 --> 00:55:05,939
we're going to say "fuck it"
1153
00:55:05,990 --> 00:55:08,265
and do shots until one of us is sick
through our nose. My money's on me.
1154
00:55:08,310 --> 00:55:10,187
Four monkey brains, please.
1155
00:55:10,230 --> 00:55:12,300
I like this Simon, he's fun.
1156
00:55:12,350 --> 00:55:13,942
Thanks very much.
1157
00:55:13,990 --> 00:55:15,184
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
1158
00:55:15,230 --> 00:55:16,458
Oh, actually, can you pay?
1159
00:55:20,950 --> 00:55:22,065
Right, next!
1160
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:23,543
No, no. I can't have another one.
1161
00:55:23,590 --> 00:55:25,421
I'm sorry, didn't realise
you were a lightweight.
1162
00:55:25,470 --> 00:55:27,859
- What?
- Lightweight. Light-weight.
1163
00:55:27,910 --> 00:55:29,309
You're one to talk about lightweights.
1164
00:55:29,350 --> 00:55:30,669
What do you mean?
1165
00:55:30,710 --> 00:55:32,541
Oh. Cos I'm fat?
1166
00:55:32,590 --> 00:55:34,148
No.
1167
00:55:34,190 --> 00:55:37,580
What l... mean, Jane, is...
1168
00:55:37,630 --> 00:55:39,188
I'm gonna drink you under the table.
1169
00:55:39,230 --> 00:55:40,458
You're trouble, aren't you?
1170
00:55:43,790 --> 00:55:45,109
You're funny.
1171
00:55:45,150 --> 00:55:47,903
That is why I know you don't have
to worry about getting laid.
1172
00:55:47,950 --> 00:55:49,622
Um, did I say I was worried?
1173
00:55:49,670 --> 00:55:51,308
No, but it's obvious that you are,
1174
00:55:51,350 --> 00:55:53,068
and you think
that somehow I'm the answer.
1175
00:55:53,110 --> 00:55:54,862
Well, I am not, and you will be fine.
1176
00:55:54,910 --> 00:55:57,470
I think you might be, though.
1177
00:55:57,510 --> 00:55:58,863
Nonsense.
1178
00:55:58,910 --> 00:56:01,743
You know, in fact, I am so confident
I will make a pact with you.
1179
00:56:01,790 --> 00:56:04,463
If you still haven't had sex
by this time next year,
1180
00:56:04,510 --> 00:56:05,659
I'll have sex with you.
1181
00:56:05,710 --> 00:56:08,065
As long as I'm not with Nicos,
of course.
1182
00:56:08,110 --> 00:56:09,338
Of course.
1183
00:56:09,390 --> 00:56:10,664
Um...
1184
00:56:10,710 --> 00:56:12,029
this is a joke, right?
1185
00:56:14,550 --> 00:56:15,699
A handshake's good...
1186
00:56:15,750 --> 00:56:17,741
is it possible to get it in writing?
1187
00:56:17,790 --> 00:56:19,462
See? Funny.
1188
00:56:19,510 --> 00:56:22,502
Yes, ha-ha-ha. Hmm.
1189
00:56:22,550 --> 00:56:25,189
You all right, Lise? Where's Neil?
1190
00:56:30,910 --> 00:56:32,787
He is literally incredible.
1191
00:56:34,990 --> 00:56:36,423
Come on, Lise,
we're getting out of here.
1192
00:56:36,470 --> 00:56:38,188
Let's go for a swim. Come on, you.
1193
00:56:39,630 --> 00:56:40,619
You coming swimming?
1194
00:56:40,670 --> 00:56:42,626
Oh. I can't cos I haven't brought
my swimming costume.
1195
00:56:42,670 --> 00:56:45,343
Oh, no! I haven't brought mine either.
1196
00:56:45,390 --> 00:56:46,789
Really? What are you going to go?
1197
00:56:46,830 --> 00:56:49,742
Well, I'm going to go in naked. Are you?
1198
00:56:51,110 --> 00:56:53,385
Oh, right. Yeah, me too.
1199
00:56:54,510 --> 00:56:55,863
Totally naked.
1200
00:56:56,670 --> 00:56:58,467
Are they really going skinny dipping?
1201
00:56:58,510 --> 00:57:00,501
- If I know Jane, probably, yeah.
- Really?
1202
00:57:00,550 --> 00:57:03,383
- Fucking hell, really?!
- Yes.
1203
00:57:03,430 --> 00:57:05,068
And...
1204
00:57:06,350 --> 00:57:07,339
...what about you?
1205
00:57:07,390 --> 00:57:11,019
Well, I'm meeting Nicos in half an hour.
1206
00:57:11,070 --> 00:57:12,469
Course.
1207
00:57:12,510 --> 00:57:14,182
So I reckon I've got time
for a quick dip.
1208
00:57:14,230 --> 00:57:16,585
Obviously, Alison and me
was never going to happen.
1209
00:57:16,630 --> 00:57:18,507
And yet, and yet...
1210
00:57:18,550 --> 00:57:20,063
No, I had no fucking chance.
1211
00:57:26,230 --> 00:57:28,790
Come on. What are you doing?
1212
00:57:28,830 --> 00:57:30,058
Get it off.
1213
00:57:30,110 --> 00:57:32,419
No, yeah. Good. I will.
1214
00:57:32,470 --> 00:57:33,983
Go on, then.
1215
00:57:34,030 --> 00:57:35,543
All in good time.
1216
00:57:37,190 --> 00:57:38,828
I'll look away, if you like.
1217
00:57:38,870 --> 00:57:41,589
Um, yeah, that would be nice, thank you.
1218
00:57:43,870 --> 00:57:46,543
OK, so, I'm looking away now.
1219
00:57:50,750 --> 00:57:52,786
And so, for only the second time today,
1220
00:57:52,830 --> 00:57:55,025
Simon was tricked into getting naked.
1221
00:57:55,070 --> 00:57:58,028
Further along the beach,
for the first time ever, Jay was close
1222
00:57:58,070 --> 00:58:00,982
to seeing some naked women
not on a computer screen.
1223
00:58:05,310 --> 00:58:07,187
Come on, Jay, don't be shy.
1224
00:58:07,230 --> 00:58:09,061
I'll take it all off if you will.
1225
00:58:09,110 --> 00:58:11,749
Um, all right, just...give me a minute.
1226
00:58:11,790 --> 00:58:14,258
Are you scared that you won't be able
to control yourself?
1227
00:58:14,310 --> 00:58:17,620
She's a big girl. She is a big girl.
1228
00:58:17,670 --> 00:58:20,503
Can't take it any more,
just give us a snog.
1229
00:58:20,550 --> 00:58:22,586
Um...all right.
1230
00:58:22,630 --> 00:58:26,259
But...Iet's go somewhere secret.
1231
00:58:26,310 --> 00:58:27,663
Secret?
1232
00:58:27,710 --> 00:58:28,984
Just give us a snog here.
1233
00:58:29,030 --> 00:58:30,429
Nah.
1234
00:58:30,470 --> 00:58:33,109
Let's go somewhere
people can't see us.
1235
00:58:33,150 --> 00:58:36,062
- OK?
- Fucking whale on the beach.
1236
00:58:37,590 --> 00:58:39,069
Actually...forget it.
1237
00:58:39,110 --> 00:58:41,670
I've already seen your cock,
and it wasn't pretty.
1238
00:58:48,990 --> 00:58:51,265
All I'm saying is that, logically,
1239
00:58:51,310 --> 00:58:53,187
we might not have to wait
a year to have sex.
1240
00:58:53,230 --> 00:58:54,629
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
1241
00:58:54,670 --> 00:58:58,299
I mean, once you remove Nicos from the
equation and think, as I say, logically,
1242
00:58:58,350 --> 00:59:00,102
it really makes no sense
to wait that long.
1243
00:59:00,150 --> 00:59:03,028
Do you find that your logic
talks a lot of girls into bed?
1244
00:59:03,070 --> 00:59:04,503
Well, no.
1245
00:59:04,550 --> 00:59:05,539
I was just curious to know
1246
00:59:05,590 --> 00:59:09,299
whether this kind of relentless, pedantic
chat is a big hit with the other chicks.
1247
00:59:09,350 --> 00:59:12,899
- Well, obviously it isn't.
- Thought not.
1248
00:59:19,870 --> 00:59:21,906
What are you waiting for?
1249
00:59:22,990 --> 00:59:24,742
Um... I don't know.
1250
00:59:26,190 --> 00:59:27,418
OK.
1251
00:59:59,110 --> 01:00:01,226
Take your clothes off.
1252
01:00:42,070 --> 01:00:44,425
That's it till next year, I'm afraid!
1253
01:00:46,590 --> 01:00:47,579
I've lost my glasses.
1254
01:00:47,630 --> 01:00:49,461
I've lost my glasses!
1255
01:00:49,510 --> 01:00:50,784
God, it's freezing in here.
1256
01:00:50,830 --> 01:00:52,422
Don't be such a wuss.
1257
01:00:52,470 --> 01:00:53,903
Ah!
1258
01:00:53,950 --> 01:00:56,384
That's right,
let's get someone's hair wet, shall we?
1259
01:00:56,430 --> 01:00:58,990
It always looks wet anyway, gel-boy.
1260
01:00:59,030 --> 01:01:00,782
Right, how's this for a wet look, then?
1261
01:01:05,830 --> 01:01:07,741
Oh, shit, sorry.
1262
01:01:24,310 --> 01:01:25,823
Carli!
1263
01:01:27,310 --> 01:01:28,743
Carli, over here!
1264
01:01:28,790 --> 01:01:32,100
Carli, over here! Carls!
1265
01:01:32,150 --> 01:01:34,061
Carls.
1266
01:01:35,270 --> 01:01:37,181
Come on, Will, it feels amazing!
1267
01:01:37,230 --> 01:01:38,822
Just getting my glasses!
1268
01:01:38,870 --> 01:01:40,826
You're not wussing out on me, are you?
1269
01:01:40,870 --> 01:01:42,747
Nope! As soon as I'm not blind,
1270
01:01:42,790 --> 01:01:45,350
I'll be right over with you
and the other naked ladies.
1271
01:01:45,390 --> 01:01:47,142
Well, hurry up or I'm getting out!
1272
01:01:47,190 --> 01:01:50,785
Jesus Christ, come on! Where are they?
1273
01:01:52,110 --> 01:01:54,305
- What the...fuck are you doing?
- I'm really sorry,
1274
01:01:54,350 --> 01:01:55,703
I tripped. I've lost my glasses.
1275
01:01:55,750 --> 01:01:58,105
You've got a big problem now, mister,
a big fucking problem.
1276
01:01:58,150 --> 01:01:59,424
Oh, God. I'm so sorry,
1277
01:01:59,470 --> 01:02:01,267
I didn't know
you were down there, doing that.
1278
01:02:01,310 --> 01:02:04,382
Help!
1279
01:02:04,430 --> 01:02:06,625
I'm really sorry, mate. Help me!
1280
01:02:08,750 --> 01:02:10,024
Nicos?
1281
01:02:10,070 --> 01:02:11,788
Alison?
1282
01:02:11,830 --> 01:02:13,024
What are you doing?
1283
01:02:13,070 --> 01:02:15,220
How does she know
your fucking name, Nicos?
1284
01:02:15,270 --> 01:02:17,909
Donna, I just need you to be a little
bit quiet for five minutes, please...
1285
01:02:17,950 --> 01:02:18,985
Who the fuck is that?!
1286
01:02:19,030 --> 01:02:21,624
Come and sit down with me,
I want to talk to you.
1287
01:02:21,670 --> 01:02:24,230
We're supposed to be meeting up
in 1 5 minutes,
1288
01:02:24,270 --> 01:02:26,226
- you utter, utter scumbag!
- Glasses?
1289
01:02:26,270 --> 01:02:27,544
- Glasses?
- It's OK, it's OK.
1290
01:02:27,590 --> 01:02:29,069
Glasses? Ooh!
1291
01:02:29,110 --> 01:02:30,463
There they are.
1292
01:02:30,510 --> 01:02:33,946
Alison, I love you, I love you,
you are the only girl for me,
1293
01:02:33,990 --> 01:02:35,708
there no other girl in my life.
1294
01:02:35,750 --> 01:02:37,342
Now, where have we heard that before?
1295
01:02:37,390 --> 01:02:38,948
Oh, just shut up, Will!
1296
01:02:38,990 --> 01:02:40,821
Baby, you know this weirdo?
1297
01:02:40,870 --> 01:02:42,940
I am not your fucking baby!
1298
01:02:42,990 --> 01:02:45,220
Alison, wait!
1299
01:02:45,270 --> 01:02:47,067
Simon.
1300
01:02:47,110 --> 01:02:48,668
Are you swimming naked?
1301
01:02:48,710 --> 01:02:49,904
Hell, yeah.
1302
01:02:49,950 --> 01:02:51,906
- That's not like you.
- Well, I'm on holiday,
1303
01:02:51,950 --> 01:02:53,747
so who knows, maybe it's a new me?
1304
01:02:53,790 --> 01:02:55,223
Oh, right.
1305
01:02:55,270 --> 01:02:57,022
I like the old you.
1306
01:02:57,070 --> 01:02:58,662
Hmm.
1307
01:02:58,710 --> 01:03:01,019
OK, well, I'm off to bed.
1308
01:03:01,070 --> 01:03:02,059
Can I come?
1309
01:03:02,110 --> 01:03:03,509
To bed?
1310
01:03:03,550 --> 01:03:06,303
- No, sure. I'm all wet anyway, so...
- Look,
1311
01:03:06,350 --> 01:03:09,581
I'm knackered, I've had a shitty night,
I just want to be alone.
1312
01:03:09,630 --> 01:03:12,827
But I'll see you at the boat party.
We can catch up properly there, OK?
1313
01:03:12,870 --> 01:03:15,020
Yeah, course.
1314
01:03:15,070 --> 01:03:17,345
- See you at the boat party.
- Great.
1315
01:03:17,390 --> 01:03:18,425
See ya!
1316
01:03:18,470 --> 01:03:20,984
- I miss you too.
- Sorry?
1317
01:03:21,030 --> 01:03:22,349
You said it the other night?
1318
01:03:22,390 --> 01:03:24,187
Oh, yeah.
1319
01:03:32,150 --> 01:03:35,381
Lucy! Lucy!
1320
01:03:35,430 --> 01:03:38,069
Alison, wait! I'll come with you!
1321
01:03:38,110 --> 01:03:40,499
- I want to be on my own!
- Um...
1322
01:03:40,550 --> 01:03:41,778
You're not expecting me
to hit him or anything,
1323
01:03:41,830 --> 01:03:43,468
- are you?
- No!
1324
01:03:43,510 --> 01:03:44,545
- Good.
- I don't expect
1325
01:03:44,590 --> 01:03:46,342
anything from anyone
but disappointment.
1326
01:03:46,390 --> 01:03:47,948
You'll love me, then.
1327
01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:51,426
And I will never have sex
with anyone again for as long as I live,
1328
01:03:51,470 --> 01:03:52,619
and certainly not with you.
1329
01:03:52,670 --> 01:03:53,944
So just fuck off!
1330
01:03:53,990 --> 01:03:55,787
All of you, just fuck off!
1331
01:03:55,830 --> 01:03:57,707
Does this affect our deal?
1332
01:03:57,750 --> 01:03:59,308
Fuck your deal!
1333
01:04:02,710 --> 01:04:04,587
Ahhhh!
1334
01:04:06,430 --> 01:04:07,499
Lucy.
1335
01:04:07,550 --> 01:04:09,461
Oh! Are you getting out?
1336
01:04:09,510 --> 01:04:12,582
- Yes.
- That was Carli, did you see her?
1337
01:04:13,990 --> 01:04:14,979
Yeah.
1338
01:04:15,030 --> 01:04:16,304
It was dark, but I saw her.
1339
01:04:16,350 --> 01:04:17,624
Isn't she beautiful?
1340
01:04:17,670 --> 01:04:19,581
Yes, she's very beautiful.
1341
01:04:20,710 --> 01:04:22,541
I'm going now.
1342
01:04:22,590 --> 01:04:24,228
Oh. OK!
1343
01:04:50,350 --> 01:04:52,784
- All right?
- I've been better.
1344
01:04:52,830 --> 01:04:55,105
- What are you doing?
- I'm thinking.
1345
01:04:55,150 --> 01:04:56,629
About how shit the holiday is?
1346
01:04:56,670 --> 01:04:59,582
Partly that. Partly I'm thinking
about putting stones in my pockets
1347
01:04:59,630 --> 01:05:00,824
and chucking myself in the pool.
1348
01:05:00,870 --> 01:05:03,304
Oh, I wouldn't swim in that, it's rank.
1349
01:05:03,350 --> 01:05:04,339
Right.
1350
01:05:04,390 --> 01:05:05,709
Also, if you put stones in your pockets,
1351
01:05:05,750 --> 01:05:08,389
you'll sink, so... better to not
have the stones, really.
1352
01:05:08,430 --> 01:05:10,148
I'll bear that in mind, Neil.
1353
01:05:12,190 --> 01:05:16,229
I stopped believing in God when
I realised it was just "dog" backwards.
1354
01:05:16,270 --> 01:05:17,703
What?
1355
01:05:17,750 --> 01:05:21,459
Well, when you think about it -
G-O-D, D-O-G.
1356
01:05:21,510 --> 01:05:23,660
It's like an anagram,
but a backwards one, innit?
1357
01:05:23,710 --> 01:05:24,938
Right.
1358
01:05:24,990 --> 01:05:27,584
And then, after that,
I just stopped worrying about stuff.
1359
01:05:27,630 --> 01:05:30,747
You only get one go round, I reckon.
When you're dead, you're dead.
1360
01:05:30,790 --> 01:05:33,224
So you can spend your time thinking
about how things haven't gone perfect
1361
01:05:33,270 --> 01:05:36,068
or you can just get on with it,
have a laugh and that.
1362
01:05:36,110 --> 01:05:37,668
That's what I do, I'm pretty happy.
1363
01:05:39,550 --> 01:05:40,699
You are, aren't you?
1364
01:05:40,750 --> 01:05:41,899
Yeah!
1365
01:05:41,950 --> 01:05:44,510
Thanks, Neil. Thanks for that.
1366
01:05:44,550 --> 01:05:47,701
Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.
1367
01:05:47,750 --> 01:05:49,103
No, not that.
1368
01:05:49,150 --> 01:05:51,266
No offence, but that's moronic.
No, thanks for coming to cheer me up.
1369
01:05:51,310 --> 01:05:52,663
I didn't come to cheer you up,
1370
01:05:52,710 --> 01:05:54,587
I come to say I did a shit
in the children's toilet
1371
01:05:54,630 --> 01:05:55,858
and I can't get rid of it.
1372
01:05:55,910 --> 01:05:57,229
Oh, God!
1373
01:05:58,470 --> 01:06:00,984
Cos I thought I'd try something
different, you know? As a treat.
1374
01:06:01,550 --> 01:06:03,029
- Oh...
- Oh!
1375
01:06:04,070 --> 01:06:05,469
Oh!
1376
01:06:05,510 --> 01:06:07,102
Neil, what the fuck has gone into that?
1377
01:06:07,150 --> 01:06:08,947
Have you been eating tear gas?
1378
01:06:08,990 --> 01:06:10,469
No, it's just a bit beery.
1379
01:06:10,510 --> 01:06:12,307
And that meatiness
is probably the kebabs.
1380
01:06:13,430 --> 01:06:15,466
OK, that's it. Neil, you were right.
1381
01:06:15,510 --> 01:06:16,545
It may not be paradise,
1382
01:06:16,590 --> 01:06:18,421
but we can at least try and enjoy
this place for exactly what it is.
1383
01:06:18,470 --> 01:06:19,664
A shithole?
1384
01:06:19,710 --> 01:06:21,462
Yes, but it's our shithole,
so let's get out there
1385
01:06:21,510 --> 01:06:24,149
and get royally fucked up
on Jay's dead grandad's money.
1386
01:06:24,190 --> 01:06:25,748
It's what he would have wanted.
1387
01:06:25,790 --> 01:06:28,509
If we get fined 50 euros, Neil,
you're paying it.
1388
01:06:28,550 --> 01:06:30,700
- But it's not on the floor.
- Some of it is on the floor.
1389
01:06:30,750 --> 01:06:32,342
Well, yeah, some of it.
1390
01:06:39,990 --> 01:06:42,504
I knowyou're there
1391
01:06:46,670 --> 01:06:48,900
I knowyou're there
1392
01:07:06,590 --> 01:07:09,058
I knowyou're there
1393
01:07:13,670 --> 01:07:15,388
I knowyou're there
1394
01:07:19,630 --> 01:07:23,748
I knowyou're there
1395
01:07:33,750 --> 01:07:35,866
I knowyou're there
1396
01:07:48,110 --> 01:07:50,749
It's my sound
1397
01:07:51,950 --> 01:07:53,986
It's my sound
1398
01:07:56,070 --> 01:07:57,503
It's my sound
1399
01:07:59,070 --> 01:08:01,220
It's my sound
1400
01:08:02,550 --> 01:08:04,222
It's my sound
1401
01:08:04,270 --> 01:08:05,464
It's my sound
1402
01:08:05,510 --> 01:08:08,149
It's my... It's my...
It's my...
1403
01:08:14,870 --> 01:08:17,179
Is this normal enough for you?
1404
01:08:17,230 --> 01:08:19,425
Probably a bit too normal.
1405
01:08:24,990 --> 01:08:26,821
I'm almost going to miss him
when I'm at uni.
1406
01:08:26,870 --> 01:08:28,622
When he's at uni, you mean.
1407
01:08:28,670 --> 01:08:32,185
- Yeah, but I'll be at uni too.
- Will ya?
1408
01:08:32,230 --> 01:08:34,061
- What, this year?
- In a few weeks.
1409
01:08:34,110 --> 01:08:37,147
Oh, what? Just cos Will's going?
1410
01:08:37,190 --> 01:08:40,102
- No. Cos I want to.
- Well...what about me?
1411
01:08:40,150 --> 01:08:41,344
What?
1412
01:08:42,430 --> 01:08:44,068
Well, what am I gonna do?
1413
01:08:45,750 --> 01:08:48,389
Um... I don't know.
1414
01:08:50,070 --> 01:08:52,709
Look, I thought you knew
I was going to uni.
1415
01:08:52,750 --> 01:08:54,502
Yeah, course. No, but...
1416
01:08:54,550 --> 01:08:56,541
it's just that I was going to use
my grandad's money
1417
01:08:56,590 --> 01:08:59,502
to set us up in business,
selling car stereos
1418
01:08:59,550 --> 01:09:01,029
to Premiership footballers.
1419
01:09:01,070 --> 01:09:02,947
Neil was going
to work in the depot, but...
1420
01:09:02,990 --> 01:09:06,062
me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on sales,
like, having a laugh and that.
1421
01:09:07,150 --> 01:09:08,378
Oh, right.
1422
01:09:08,430 --> 01:09:10,466
Yeah, I'm going to do sociology.
1423
01:09:12,270 --> 01:09:13,464
Fuck.
1424
01:09:14,750 --> 01:09:18,140
I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now.
Could have had a bit of a send-off.
1425
01:09:19,430 --> 01:09:21,500
- What tickets?
- Boat party ones.
1426
01:09:21,550 --> 01:09:24,781
I bought them when I was pissed the
other night. I thought I'd surprise you.
1427
01:09:26,150 --> 01:09:28,789
- Oh, well.
- You what... You tore them up?!
1428
01:09:30,070 --> 01:09:33,540
- Yeah.
- What, after we had the fight?
1429
01:09:33,590 --> 01:09:36,900
Yeah, l... I was angry
cos you had a go, and that.
1430
01:09:39,030 --> 01:09:40,986
Yeah, no...
1431
01:09:41,030 --> 01:09:42,463
Makes sense.
1432
01:09:46,310 --> 01:09:47,299
You two go on,
1433
01:09:47,350 --> 01:09:51,628
I'm just going to have
a little recovery snooze.
1434
01:09:57,190 --> 01:10:01,547
Come on, mate,
you can have my bed tonight,
1435
01:10:01,590 --> 01:10:03,069
this one's a bit bitey.
1436
01:10:07,230 --> 01:10:09,903
Did I tell you I touched a boob tonight?
1437
01:10:09,950 --> 01:10:12,100
Like... Like a real boob.
1438
01:10:12,150 --> 01:10:15,540
A girl's one.
I didn't get to lick it, though.
1439
01:10:15,590 --> 01:10:18,104
This has been the best night of my life.
1440
01:10:29,470 --> 01:10:31,267
It was the day of the boat party,
1441
01:10:31,310 --> 01:10:34,382
and it looked like literally
everyone in Malia had a ticket.
1442
01:10:34,430 --> 01:10:35,988
Well, everyone except me and Simon,
1443
01:10:36,030 --> 01:10:38,498
whose mood was now bluer than his balls.
1444
01:10:39,590 --> 01:10:41,626
If I could, I'd give you my ticket, Si.
1445
01:10:41,670 --> 01:10:43,581
You can, just give me your ticket.
1446
01:10:43,630 --> 01:10:46,827
Yeah, but I really want to go,
so you see, actually, I can't.
1447
01:10:46,870 --> 01:10:48,940
- Take Jay's ticket.
- No, I think he needs it.
1448
01:10:48,990 --> 01:10:50,184
What, cos of Jane?
1449
01:10:50,230 --> 01:10:54,189
No, in case the captain dies
and they need me to drive the boat.
1450
01:10:56,950 --> 01:11:00,306
Eased up on the vomiting,
mainly retching now.
1451
01:11:00,350 --> 01:11:02,181
For the record, they don't clean
that toilet floor very often,
1452
01:11:02,230 --> 01:11:04,221
Iots of pubes on hands, knees...
and my face
1453
01:11:04,270 --> 01:11:07,467
when I had a little lie-down.
I cannot believe we've been eating here.
1454
01:11:07,510 --> 01:11:08,499
Wow, they look hot!
1455
01:11:08,550 --> 01:11:11,064
- Bit young for you, ain't they, Neil?
- Behave.
1456
01:11:11,110 --> 01:11:13,465
Lucy. Lucy!
1457
01:11:13,510 --> 01:11:16,900
Alison! Aliso...
Oh. I give up.
1458
01:11:17,990 --> 01:11:19,742
All right, boys? Who killed Will?
1459
01:11:20,990 --> 01:11:23,060
- What's up with Lucy?
- I don't know.
1460
01:11:23,110 --> 01:11:26,102
If you ask her rather than
talking about your ex the whole time,
1461
01:11:26,150 --> 01:11:29,062
- you might find out.
- Oh, God, really?
1462
01:11:29,110 --> 01:11:30,987
Fine.
1463
01:11:32,070 --> 01:11:33,742
- You coming to the boat party, then?
- You try and stop me.
1464
01:11:33,790 --> 01:11:36,384
We just saw two hot fellas
dressed as firemen getting on board.
1465
01:11:36,430 --> 01:11:38,546
Might need a hand with their hoses.
1466
01:11:38,590 --> 01:11:41,150
Might have to set fire to my knickers.
1467
01:11:41,190 --> 01:11:43,340
- I'll come with you, if you like.
- No, thank you.
1468
01:11:43,390 --> 01:11:44,584
Come on, Lisa.
1469
01:11:46,470 --> 01:11:48,540
You look as bad on the outside
as I feel on the inside.
1470
01:11:48,590 --> 01:11:52,026
Oh, don't worry,
I feel like shit on the inside too.
1471
01:11:52,070 --> 01:11:53,503
Although...
1472
01:11:53,550 --> 01:11:55,347
I don't have a pube on my cheek.
1473
01:11:55,390 --> 01:11:56,823
Oh, God.
1474
01:11:56,870 --> 01:12:00,863
Anyway, seeing you in such a mess
has at least cheered me up a bit.
1475
01:12:00,910 --> 01:12:01,899
Glad to be of service.
1476
01:12:01,950 --> 01:12:04,862
You know I have a penis
sunburnt on my back too.
1477
01:12:04,910 --> 01:12:07,344
Must be reassuring to know
that however bad life gets,
1478
01:12:07,390 --> 01:12:08,379
you're not me.
1479
01:12:08,430 --> 01:12:09,419
It is.
1480
01:12:09,470 --> 01:12:12,587
Good. That means every time you're down,
you have to come and hang out with me.
1481
01:12:12,630 --> 01:12:13,745
Yeah, I think I might.
1482
01:12:13,790 --> 01:12:15,143
Starting with today.
1483
01:12:15,190 --> 01:12:18,387
I've got Nicos's ticket for the boat
party. Do you fancy joining me?
1484
01:12:18,430 --> 01:12:19,863
Um, yes.
1485
01:12:19,910 --> 01:12:21,104
More than anything.
1486
01:12:21,150 --> 01:12:23,300
Great. On one condition, though.
1487
01:12:23,350 --> 01:12:24,669
Anything.
1488
01:12:24,710 --> 01:12:27,304
At no point are you allowed
to say, "l told you so."
1489
01:12:27,350 --> 01:12:29,910
Ooh, not sure I can guarantee that.
1490
01:12:29,950 --> 01:12:32,589
So it's not that I'd rather go
to a party that infinitely heightens
1491
01:12:32,630 --> 01:12:34,780
my sense of being out of kilter
with the rest of the world,
1492
01:12:34,830 --> 01:12:37,628
it's just that Alison is sort of
the fittest girl I've ever met
1493
01:12:37,670 --> 01:12:39,547
- and maybe...
- It's fine, Will, honestly.
1494
01:12:39,590 --> 01:12:42,388
Go for it, I'll just find a quiet spot
and hang myself.
1495
01:12:42,430 --> 01:12:44,580
Great. Lucy, make sure
he doesn't hang himself.
1496
01:12:44,630 --> 01:12:47,269
I'm off. Look at me,
following my cock like a normal person.
1497
01:12:50,750 --> 01:12:52,024
Sorry for saying cock.
1498
01:12:58,390 --> 01:13:00,506
I didn't realise
I was being such a dick.
1499
01:13:02,230 --> 01:13:03,265
You were.
1500
01:13:04,350 --> 01:13:08,229
- I'm trying to say sorry.
- Well, say it, then.
1501
01:13:08,270 --> 01:13:09,749
Sorry.
1502
01:13:09,790 --> 01:13:11,428
For being a dick.
1503
01:13:11,470 --> 01:13:13,062
Sorry for being a dick.
1504
01:13:14,350 --> 01:13:16,181
And for having too much gel
in your hair.
1505
01:13:16,230 --> 01:13:17,902
I don't think I've got that much...
1506
01:13:17,950 --> 01:13:20,669
OK, I'm sorry for having
too much gel in my hair.
1507
01:13:24,750 --> 01:13:26,706
You should probably get going.
1508
01:13:26,750 --> 01:13:28,229
I'm not that bothered.
1509
01:13:28,270 --> 01:13:29,259
Really?
1510
01:13:29,310 --> 01:13:30,504
Yeah.
1511
01:13:30,550 --> 01:13:33,383
If you like, maybe we could hang out,
the two of us.
1512
01:13:33,430 --> 01:13:35,341
I quite fancy just staying by the pool.
1513
01:13:35,390 --> 01:13:39,065
Yeah, I mean, why spend the day
having unbelievable fun on the party boat
1514
01:13:39,110 --> 01:13:42,580
when you could be taking a depressed man
swimming at a family hotel?
1515
01:13:42,630 --> 01:13:43,665
I'm serious.
1516
01:13:43,710 --> 01:13:45,143
I don't mind.
1517
01:13:46,270 --> 01:13:48,147
I might even cheer you up...
1518
01:13:48,190 --> 01:13:50,021
if they let you back in.
1519
01:13:50,070 --> 01:13:52,709
I honestly don't think
I'll be very good company,
1520
01:13:52,750 --> 01:13:54,342
but thanks for the offer.
1521
01:13:54,390 --> 01:13:56,506
You go, I'll be all right.
1522
01:14:03,070 --> 01:14:04,981
Look...
1523
01:14:05,030 --> 01:14:07,544
it's obvious how much
Carli means to you.
1524
01:14:07,590 --> 01:14:09,387
She's lucky...
1525
01:14:09,430 --> 01:14:10,465
I think.
1526
01:14:11,550 --> 01:14:13,142
I'm sure you'll sort it out.
1527
01:14:13,190 --> 01:14:16,182
She goes back tomorrow.
I can feel her slipping away.
1528
01:14:20,310 --> 01:14:21,459
Simon...
1529
01:14:21,510 --> 01:14:24,183
if she really means that much to you,
1530
01:14:24,230 --> 01:14:25,868
I want you to take my ticket.
1531
01:14:27,510 --> 01:14:28,499
Lucy...
1532
01:14:28,550 --> 01:14:31,667
If you really want to go, take it.
1533
01:14:33,350 --> 01:14:35,739
If you really want to go.
1534
01:14:37,110 --> 01:14:38,509
God, you'd do that for me?
1535
01:14:38,550 --> 01:14:40,302
Yeah.
1536
01:14:41,550 --> 01:14:43,347
Thanks!
1537
01:14:43,390 --> 01:14:45,699
I'll see you later,
enjoy the pool! Will!
1538
01:14:45,750 --> 01:14:47,308
Will! I got a ticket, I got a ticket!
1539
01:14:47,350 --> 01:14:48,908
Will!
1540
01:14:48,950 --> 01:14:50,622
I got a ticket, I got a ticket!
1541
01:14:56,990 --> 01:14:58,343
We are go!
1542
01:14:58,390 --> 01:15:01,905
The time has come to leave this place
1543
01:15:01,950 --> 01:15:05,784
Leave it all behind
1544
01:15:05,830 --> 01:15:09,425
There's so much more here to envision
1545
01:15:09,470 --> 01:15:12,109
Out of your mind...
1546
01:15:12,150 --> 01:15:14,584
The boat party
was Jay's promised land -
1547
01:15:14,630 --> 01:15:17,269
sun, sea, booze, and who knows,
1548
01:15:17,310 --> 01:15:21,303
maybe even some sex, minge,
fanny and tits... and booze... and sex.
1549
01:15:21,350 --> 01:15:22,385
Mental!
1550
01:15:22,430 --> 01:15:24,864
- Cheeky shot to get us started?
- You are kidding.
1551
01:15:24,910 --> 01:15:25,945
Oh, come on, it's the best cure.
1552
01:15:25,990 --> 01:15:27,343
Fair enough, what are we toasting?
1553
01:15:27,390 --> 01:15:29,620
To the Pussay!
1554
01:15:29,670 --> 01:15:31,342
The Pussay!
1555
01:15:33,630 --> 01:15:35,302
Neil?
1556
01:15:35,350 --> 01:15:36,703
To being playas!
1557
01:15:36,750 --> 01:15:38,388
Playas!
1558
01:15:41,030 --> 01:15:42,065
Si?
1559
01:15:42,110 --> 01:15:43,145
To me and Carli!
1560
01:15:43,190 --> 01:15:45,021
- No, you're all right, mate.
- Fuck off.
1561
01:15:47,110 --> 01:15:50,386
Fine. Well, I'm going off
to find her, anyway.
1562
01:15:50,430 --> 01:15:52,898
- Oh, Si, I forgot something.
- What?
1563
01:15:52,950 --> 01:15:54,906
Ah! For fuck's sake.
1564
01:15:54,950 --> 01:15:56,861
You know I should probably find Jane,
I promised her a dance.
1565
01:15:56,910 --> 01:15:59,982
- What?
- Well, no, just a dance.
1566
01:16:00,030 --> 01:16:01,941
And then we can get
some proper fit gash.
1567
01:16:01,990 --> 01:16:04,140
But Jane's all right, you know.
She's a laugh.
1568
01:16:04,190 --> 01:16:05,384
The fat ones are always jolly.
1569
01:16:05,430 --> 01:16:08,308
Neil, what a horrible thing to say.
1570
01:16:09,390 --> 01:16:11,824
- Just you and me, then, Will.
- Oh, no.
1571
01:16:11,870 --> 01:16:14,338
Oh, God.
What was I thinking, tequila?!
1572
01:16:17,550 --> 01:16:18,619
Shit, sorry!
1573
01:16:21,750 --> 01:16:22,944
Sorry!
1574
01:16:24,910 --> 01:16:27,219
Make your bloody mind up, you wally!
1575
01:16:54,250 --> 01:16:55,818
Richard! All right, mate?
1576
01:16:55,860 --> 01:16:57,009
- All right!
- How's it going?
1577
01:16:57,460 --> 01:16:58,470
Yeah, not too bad.
1578
01:16:58,611 --> 01:16:59,841
I was Djing at this Techno club,right?
1579
01:17:00,242 --> 01:17:02,012
And this mental emo bird
comes over to me and says,
1580
01:17:02,843 --> 01:17:04,433
"I want you to piss on me
and then fuck me."
1581
01:17:04,924 --> 01:17:05,474
So I pissed all over her.
1582
01:17:05,795 --> 01:17:06,475
And then fucked her?
1583
01:17:06,746 --> 01:17:07,476
No, she was covered in piss!
1584
01:17:08,377 --> 01:17:09,477
Oh, course.
1585
01:17:09,850 --> 01:17:10,950
Anyway,the other day,right,
1586
01:17:11,350 --> 01:17:13,181
I started crying and couldn't stop,
1587
01:17:13,230 --> 01:17:16,745
so yeah, my mum and dad have flown over
to take me home.Pretty cool.
1588
01:17:22,670 --> 01:17:23,672
Yeah...
1589
01:17:24,470 --> 01:17:25,585
Come and say hello?
1590
01:17:25,630 --> 01:17:26,222
All right.
1591
01:17:29,850 --> 01:17:31,466
Dad, Mum.
1592
01:17:32,030 --> 01:17:33,085
Hi.
1593
01:17:33,750 --> 01:17:35,004
Back off, bitch!
1594
01:17:35,690 --> 01:17:36,487
Not this time.
1595
01:17:43,420 --> 01:17:44,425
Jane?Jane?
1596
01:17:44,600 --> 01:17:45,706
- Oh, hello.
1597
01:17:45,810 --> 01:17:46,807
Sure you want to be seen with me?
1598
01:17:47,100 --> 01:17:49,361
Yeah, I do. I really do.
1599
01:17:50,070 --> 01:17:52,185
Can we have that snog now?
1600
01:17:52,280 --> 01:17:54,708
What? Now? Here?
Right in front of everyone?
1601
01:17:54,760 --> 01:17:57,911
Um...yeah. Yeah.
1602
01:17:57,960 --> 01:17:59,552
Yeah? Well, I'm not that kind of girl.
1603
01:17:59,600 --> 01:18:00,999
Oh.
1604
01:18:01,040 --> 01:18:04,112
So, I suggest
we find somewhere a little more private.
1605
01:18:04,160 --> 01:18:06,390
- I don't mind.
- I told you,
1606
01:18:06,440 --> 01:18:10,353
I do. And, to be fair, in private
you might get a blow job out of it.
1607
01:18:21,040 --> 01:18:22,792
- Simey!
- Oh, hi!
1608
01:18:22,840 --> 01:18:23,909
Carli!
1609
01:18:26,840 --> 01:18:28,034
Where have you been?
1610
01:18:28,080 --> 01:18:30,594
- I've been looking all over for you.
- I need to tell you something.
1611
01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:32,437
Ssh! I know.
1612
01:18:52,280 --> 01:18:53,269
Get it all up.
1613
01:18:53,320 --> 01:18:55,595
Little easier
on the sunburnt cock, please.
1614
01:18:55,640 --> 01:18:56,755
Sorry.
1615
01:18:56,800 --> 01:18:57,835
It's fine.
1616
01:18:59,320 --> 01:19:01,629
I mean, what a total twat!
1617
01:19:01,680 --> 01:19:02,669
Me?!
1618
01:19:02,720 --> 01:19:05,871
No, Nicos, the total
and utter Greek twat.
1619
01:19:05,920 --> 01:19:06,955
Did you see her?
1620
01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,195
She was hideous,
she must have been at least 30.
1621
01:19:09,240 --> 01:19:11,959
I told you so.
1622
01:19:12,000 --> 01:19:13,831
You arsehole, you had to say it,
didn't you?
1623
01:19:13,880 --> 01:19:15,518
Even in the fucking state you're in,
1624
01:19:15,560 --> 01:19:18,996
- you couldn't resist.
- Sorry. But at least I'm consistent.
1625
01:19:20,160 --> 01:19:21,388
Yes, you are, aren't you?
1626
01:19:24,360 --> 01:19:27,830
OK, so I think I'd like
to revise my offer.
1627
01:19:27,880 --> 01:19:30,713
How about instead of having sex
with you in a year,
1628
01:19:30,760 --> 01:19:32,990
I have sex with you all year?
1629
01:19:34,960 --> 01:19:35,995
What?
1630
01:19:36,040 --> 01:19:38,952
- It's a one-time offer.
- To confirm,
1631
01:19:39,000 --> 01:19:41,195
do you mean like a girlfriend
or like a prostitute?
1632
01:19:41,240 --> 01:19:43,708
I was thinking more like a girlfriend.
1633
01:19:45,080 --> 01:19:48,629
- Could you write it...
- No! I am not going to write it down.
1634
01:19:49,960 --> 01:19:51,871
Look, what I'm trying to say is,
I like you.
1635
01:19:51,920 --> 01:19:54,957
Despite myself, I really do like you.
1636
01:19:56,280 --> 01:19:57,998
If you like me too, then we're on.
1637
01:20:01,200 --> 01:20:03,316
Um... but not till you've
brushed your teeth.
1638
01:20:04,360 --> 01:20:05,395
Oh!
1639
01:20:10,520 --> 01:20:13,671
- That should do it.
- You know we could do this for ever.
1640
01:20:13,720 --> 01:20:15,711
Yeah, I know, yeah.
1641
01:20:15,760 --> 01:20:17,512
Oh, God, Carls, I thought I'd lost you.
1642
01:20:17,560 --> 01:20:18,879
I thought I'd lost you!
1643
01:20:18,920 --> 01:20:21,229
And no matter how many times they hit me
in the balls, I knew I was right.
1644
01:20:21,280 --> 01:20:23,475
And I've worked it all out,
it was so simple.
1645
01:20:23,520 --> 01:20:24,999
I'll just get a job near your uni
for three years,
1646
01:20:25,040 --> 01:20:28,271
four if you do an MA,
and then we can be together for ever.
1647
01:20:28,320 --> 01:20:29,753
For ever.
1648
01:20:29,800 --> 01:20:30,869
Just like we should be.
1649
01:20:33,160 --> 01:20:34,752
Carli...
1650
01:20:35,800 --> 01:20:37,358
...what's wrong?
1651
01:20:37,400 --> 01:20:39,118
Did you hear what I said?
1652
01:20:39,160 --> 01:20:40,639
Something about being hit in the balls?
1653
01:20:40,680 --> 01:20:42,318
Well, yeah, but...
1654
01:20:42,360 --> 01:20:44,430
mainly about being together for ever.
1655
01:20:44,480 --> 01:20:46,835
Sorry, Simon,
could you just kiss me again?
1656
01:20:55,680 --> 01:20:58,035
Sorry, Carls, this is wrong.
1657
01:20:58,080 --> 01:20:59,308
What?
1658
01:20:59,360 --> 01:21:01,157
I've made a bad choice today.
1659
01:21:03,880 --> 01:21:06,314
I honestly wish you
all the best with your life,
1660
01:21:06,360 --> 01:21:08,396
but right now, I have to leave.
1661
01:21:09,560 --> 01:21:11,039
I don't think you'll ever see me again.
1662
01:21:13,000 --> 01:21:15,958
But I'll see you at your mum's birthday
in two weeks' time.
1663
01:21:16,000 --> 01:21:17,831
Well, yeah, but then after that.
1664
01:21:19,080 --> 01:21:20,354
And then your brother's 16th
the following week.
1665
01:21:20,400 --> 01:21:22,675
Yeah, it was more
of a metaphorical thing.
1666
01:21:22,720 --> 01:21:25,188
- Anyway, I'll see you around, Carls.
- Yes,
1667
01:21:25,240 --> 01:21:28,118
- at your mum's.
- Please, can I just...
1668
01:21:28,160 --> 01:21:29,229
Thank you.
1669
01:21:31,280 --> 01:21:34,636
Below deck, Neil was being as faithful
as ever to his girlfriend...
1670
01:21:34,680 --> 01:21:37,558
by aggressively dry-humping Lisa
to within an inch of her life.
1671
01:21:41,120 --> 01:21:42,109
Neil...
1672
01:21:42,160 --> 01:21:44,958
Neil, stop.
1673
01:21:45,000 --> 01:21:46,672
What's up? Is it my zip?
I can undo it, if you want.
1674
01:21:46,720 --> 01:21:49,234
No, it's not that.
1675
01:21:49,280 --> 01:21:50,838
I just think this is wrong.
1676
01:21:50,880 --> 01:21:52,916
I feel bad for your girlfriend.
1677
01:21:52,960 --> 01:21:55,952
- No, it's fine, we aren't kissing.
- Yeah, but...
1678
01:21:56,000 --> 01:21:57,877
Iook at what we are doing.
1679
01:21:57,920 --> 01:22:02,948
I mean, how do you think you'd feel
if you saw her doing this with a guy?
1680
01:22:03,000 --> 01:22:05,275
I wouldn't want to be treated like this.
1681
01:22:05,320 --> 01:22:07,754
- I've got ethics.
- Yeah.
1682
01:22:07,800 --> 01:22:10,519
Yeah, you're right,
it's just that, um...
1683
01:22:12,200 --> 01:22:14,430
...Nicole dumped me
before we got out here
1684
01:22:14,480 --> 01:22:17,313
and I didn't want to say anything
to the others cos I was embarrassed.
1685
01:22:17,360 --> 01:22:19,396
- Oh, Neil...
- Yeah.
1686
01:22:19,440 --> 01:22:23,479
She sent me this text, saying like,
"You dance like a twat, you are dumped."
1687
01:22:23,520 --> 01:22:25,670
It broke me up.
1688
01:22:25,720 --> 01:22:29,395
So...this is fine and, if you want,
we can even kiss.
1689
01:22:29,440 --> 01:22:31,237
Oh, Neil!
1690
01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:32,838
Is that true? Really?
1691
01:22:32,880 --> 01:22:34,632
Yeah, course.
1692
01:22:34,680 --> 01:22:35,669
If you like.
1693
01:22:43,200 --> 01:22:45,589
That was just... I mean...
1694
01:22:45,640 --> 01:22:48,473
Did it not taste funny?
Cos it looks funny.
1695
01:22:48,520 --> 01:22:49,748
All right, mate, who's this, then?
1696
01:22:49,800 --> 01:22:51,074
Hi, I'm Jane.
1697
01:22:51,120 --> 01:22:53,156
- She's my girlfriend.
- Oh, is she?
1698
01:22:53,200 --> 01:22:55,839
Fuckin' hell, you want to be careful
she doesn't fall overboard
1699
01:22:55,880 --> 01:22:57,074
- cos...
- Cos I'll get harpooned?
1700
01:22:57,120 --> 01:22:59,350
Cos they might think I'm a new island?
1701
01:22:59,400 --> 01:23:01,356
Cos all the water will splash out
onto the land?
1702
01:23:01,400 --> 01:23:03,277
I've heard them all, take your pick.
1703
01:23:03,320 --> 01:23:05,834
Fuckin' 'ell, tubs, all right,
it was only a joke.
1704
01:23:05,880 --> 01:23:08,917
Anyway, seeing as you're coming
out there like a naughty boy,
1705
01:23:08,960 --> 01:23:12,032
how about you do me a favour?
I need a note for the old toot.
1706
01:23:12,080 --> 01:23:14,878
We weren't doing drugs, actually.
1707
01:23:14,920 --> 01:23:16,478
Christ! For his sake, I hope you were.
1708
01:23:16,520 --> 01:23:19,318
There are laws against fucking cow,
mate, even in Greece.
1709
01:23:19,360 --> 01:23:23,956
Now, I'm going to need to take that note
off you. Well, you're a mate.
1710
01:23:24,000 --> 01:23:25,956
You don't mind, do you?
1711
01:23:26,000 --> 01:23:27,399
Give.
1712
01:23:30,080 --> 01:23:31,274
No, no, not at all.
1713
01:23:36,040 --> 01:23:37,871
There you are, mate, already rolled.
1714
01:23:37,920 --> 01:23:39,717
Cheers. I'll keep this, yeah?
1715
01:23:39,760 --> 01:23:40,954
No problemo.
1716
01:23:42,800 --> 01:23:45,075
I think the Government's
anti-drugs campaign
1717
01:23:45,120 --> 01:23:46,917
would be more successful
if they pointed out
1718
01:23:46,960 --> 01:23:48,029
that every now and again,
1719
01:23:48,080 --> 01:23:50,878
there's a small chance you might
accidentally snort some poo.
1720
01:23:59,760 --> 01:24:00,988
Simon?
1721
01:24:01,040 --> 01:24:02,519
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
1722
01:24:02,560 --> 01:24:06,030
Yeah, for the first time in my life,
I think I actually am.
1723
01:24:06,080 --> 01:24:07,195
I'm clear, anyway.
1724
01:24:07,240 --> 01:24:08,275
How'd it go with Carli?
1725
01:24:08,320 --> 01:24:10,151
Long term - good. Short term - horrific.
1726
01:24:10,200 --> 01:24:12,236
Have you murdered her?
1727
01:24:12,280 --> 01:24:14,236
No, but I am starting to think
that maybe Carli's not all that.
1728
01:24:14,280 --> 01:24:15,474
Well, it's taken a while.
1729
01:24:15,520 --> 01:24:17,715
- Better late than never.
- I think Lucy might be the one.
1730
01:24:17,760 --> 01:24:19,796
Yes, obviously.
1731
01:24:19,840 --> 01:24:21,831
Lucy's much nicer
and actually likes you.
1732
01:24:21,880 --> 01:24:23,836
But I'm worried I might have been
a bit of a dick to her.
1733
01:24:23,880 --> 01:24:27,555
You've been more than a bit of a dick
to her. You've been a massive dick to her.
1734
01:24:27,600 --> 01:24:29,272
She still likes you, anyway.
1735
01:24:29,320 --> 01:24:30,594
Good, that's really good.
1736
01:24:37,720 --> 01:24:39,995
Does he always strip when he's happy?
1737
01:24:40,040 --> 01:24:41,029
Yeah, normally.
1738
01:24:42,160 --> 01:24:44,230
Simon!
You can't go up there, there's a sign.
1739
01:24:44,280 --> 01:24:45,508
Oh, sign!
1740
01:24:45,560 --> 01:24:47,516
Alison, will you text Lucy
and tell her I'm coming to get her?
1741
01:24:47,560 --> 01:24:48,675
Course I will.
1742
01:24:48,720 --> 01:24:49,948
Brilliant!
1743
01:24:50,000 --> 01:24:51,069
All right?
1744
01:24:51,120 --> 01:24:52,189
Yeah.
1745
01:24:52,240 --> 01:24:53,355
What are you doing up there, then?
1746
01:24:53,400 --> 01:24:55,709
I'm going to swim back to shore
and tell Lucy how I feel.
1747
01:24:55,760 --> 01:24:57,079
How romantic.
1748
01:24:57,120 --> 01:24:58,553
It is, isn't it?
1749
01:25:02,320 --> 01:25:03,719
Is it a bit far?
1750
01:25:03,760 --> 01:25:06,354
Nah, bollocks. You can see the shore.
1751
01:25:06,400 --> 01:25:08,038
I've swum further than that underwater.
1752
01:25:08,080 --> 01:25:09,832
Do it! Just swim there
1753
01:25:09,880 --> 01:25:11,836
and show her what she means to you
and then kiss her.
1754
01:25:11,880 --> 01:25:12,869
On the fanny!
1755
01:25:12,920 --> 01:25:14,114
- Jay!
- Sorry, darling.
1756
01:25:23,080 --> 01:25:25,275
Right, fuck it, you only live once.
1757
01:25:32,160 --> 01:25:35,152
Jump, jump, jump, jump,
jump, jump, jump, jump!
1758
01:25:37,800 --> 01:25:39,870
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!
1759
01:25:39,920 --> 01:25:42,912
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump,
jump, jump!
1760
01:26:42,320 --> 01:26:44,595
I think he might be drowning.
1761
01:27:19,840 --> 01:27:21,432
Simon!
1762
01:27:25,160 --> 01:27:27,230
Oh, I think I've shit myself.
1763
01:27:32,560 --> 01:27:34,630
Lucy, it's normally bigger, it was cold.
1764
01:27:36,520 --> 01:27:38,636
One of us should probably have
gone to hospital with Simon.
1765
01:27:38,680 --> 01:27:41,513
But, to be perfectly honest,
we had more important things to do.
1766
01:27:43,360 --> 01:27:44,554
- Woah-oh
- Kingston
1767
01:27:46,240 --> 01:27:48,879
- Woah-oh
- Let's go!
1768
01:27:48,920 --> 01:27:51,753
We like to sleep all day
and party all night
1769
01:27:51,800 --> 01:27:56,351
This is how we like to live our life
1770
01:27:56,400 --> 01:27:59,676
I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right
1771
01:27:59,720 --> 01:28:04,077
So come on, come on, come on
1772
01:28:04,120 --> 01:28:06,998
We like to sleep all day
and party all night
1773
01:28:07,040 --> 01:28:11,113
This is how we like to live our life
1774
01:28:11,160 --> 01:28:14,197
I got a feeling
everything is going to be all right
1775
01:28:14,240 --> 01:28:19,633
So come on, come on, come on
Let's party tonight
1776
01:28:19,680 --> 01:28:20,829
Intoxication, yeah
1777
01:28:20,880 --> 01:28:24,919
The feel of liberation, yeah
1778
01:28:24,960 --> 01:28:30,193
We goin ' like a rebel with a cause
and we breakin ' the laws
1779
01:28:30,240 --> 01:28:33,118
And we rock it, rock it, rock it
Whoa-oh
1780
01:28:33,160 --> 01:28:35,833
No hibernation, no
1781
01:28:36,880 --> 01:28:39,030
No, not until the day comes, no
1782
01:28:40,800 --> 01:28:44,236
We gonna paint the town red
till God knows when
1783
01:28:44,280 --> 01:28:47,795
Cos we rock it, whoa-oh
1784
01:28:46,840 --> 01:28:50,992
And we don 't got a worry in sight
and until it gets bright outside
1785
01:28:51,040 --> 01:28:54,430
We breakin ' all the rules that we know
1786
01:28:54,480 --> 01:28:57,836
We outta control, we rock and we roll
1787
01:28:57,880 --> 01:29:02,510
Ain 't nothing gonna ever stop the party
You know we go, we all
1788
01:29:02,560 --> 01:29:05,677
We like to sleep all day
and party all night
1789
01:29:05,720 --> 01:29:09,838
This is how we like to live our life
1790
01:29:09,880 --> 01:29:13,077
I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right
1791
01:29:13,120 --> 01:29:16,271
So come on, come on, come on
1792
01:29:16,320 --> 01:29:20,472
We like to sleep all day
and party all night
1793
01:29:20,520 --> 01:29:24,479
This is how we like to live our life
1794
01:29:24,520 --> 01:29:27,717
I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right
1795
01:29:27,760 --> 01:29:31,036
So come on, come on, come on
1796
01:29:31,080 --> 01:29:35,312
We gonna rock until the night is done
1797
01:29:35,360 --> 01:29:39,433
We ain 't gonna stop
until we see the sun
1798
01:29:39,480 --> 01:29:43,075
And we don 't ever have a problem
No need for solutions
1799
01:29:43,120 --> 01:29:47,159
We starting up a revolution
1800
01:29:47,200 --> 01:29:50,078
We like to sleep all day
and party all night
1801
01:29:50,120 --> 01:29:53,874
This is how we like to live our life
1802
01:29:53,920 --> 01:29:57,674
I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right
1803
01:29:57,720 --> 01:30:01,713
So come on, come on, come on
1804
01:30:01,760 --> 01:30:04,991
We like to sleep all day
and party all night
1805
01:30:05,040 --> 01:30:09,238
This is how we like to live our life
1806
01:30:09,280 --> 01:30:12,477
I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right
1807
01:30:12,520 --> 01:30:16,274
So come on, come on, come on
1808
01:30:16,320 --> 01:30:18,151
Let's party tonight, whoa-oh. ♪
1809
01:30:37,880 --> 01:30:40,440
Going to the racetrack
To try and get your money back
1810
01:30:40,480 --> 01:30:42,311
Got caught trying to break in
1811
01:30:42,360 --> 01:30:43,873
But just laughed and said
1812
01:30:45,040 --> 01:30:46,632
It couldn 't have been me
1813
01:30:48,440 --> 01:30:51,193
She shaved off her hair
Said that she didn 't care
1814
01:30:51,240 --> 01:30:54,915
That life is so unfair
Oh, but all she wanted
1815
01:30:54,960 --> 01:30:57,349
Was to be left alone
1816
01:30:59,000 --> 01:31:01,434
He said he missed bliss
Smiled and left a kiss
1817
01:31:01,480 --> 01:31:04,870
And I said this isn 't it
But, baby, please come home
1818
01:31:06,080 --> 01:31:08,469
And start again
1819
01:31:10,720 --> 01:31:13,439
Cos all you've ever wanted
1820
01:31:15,640 --> 01:31:18,200
Has gone up in flames
1821
01:31:20,920 --> 01:31:24,037
And all you've ever wanted
1822
01:31:26,160 --> 01:31:28,993
Can never stay the same
1823
01:31:40,440 --> 01:31:45,719
Oh, no, this can 't be happening
1824
01:31:45,760 --> 01:31:51,596
I said oh, no, this can 't be happening
1825
01:31:51,640 --> 01:31:54,438
Going to the racetrack
To try and get your money back
1826
01:31:54,480 --> 01:31:57,756
Got caught trying to break in
But just laughed and said
1827
01:31:57,800 --> 01:32:00,598
It couldn 't have been me
1828
01:32:01,760 --> 01:32:04,877
She wore lip gloss
Cried when she got cross
1829
01:32:04,920 --> 01:32:08,196
And all that she had was lost
Yeah, she sold it all
1830
01:32:09,600 --> 01:32:11,318
All for pearls
1831
01:32:12,760 --> 01:32:15,399
He said he missed bliss
Smiled and left a kiss
1832
01:32:15,440 --> 01:32:19,035
And I said this isn 't it
But, baby, oh, please come home
1833
01:32:19,080 --> 01:32:21,833
And start again
1834
01:32:24,360 --> 01:32:27,238
Cos all you've ever wanted
1835
01:32:29,560 --> 01:32:32,074
Has gone up in flames
1836
01:32:34,880 --> 01:32:37,678
And all you've ever wanted
1837
01:32:40,040 --> 01:32:42,759
Can never stay the same
1838
01:32:45,120 --> 01:32:49,398
And all you've ever wanted
1839
01:32:50,520 --> 01:32:52,875
Has gone up in flames
1840
01:32:55,720 --> 01:32:59,793
And all you've ever wanted
1841
01:33:01,080 --> 01:33:02,991
Can never stay the same.
1842
01:33:03,172 --> 01:33:14,542
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