1
00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:12,099
George Carlin:
THE JOKE LEADS
ME DOWN ONE PATH,

2
00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,492
AND THEN IT SWITCHES
THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY,

3
00:00:14,536 --> 00:00:15,928
AND IT HITS ME
WITH A HAMMER.

4
00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:17,539
IT'S JUST,
"HERE WE GO, FOLKS."

5
00:00:17,582 --> 00:00:20,498
YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED
YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE
DOING IT RIGHT,

6
00:00:20,542 --> 00:00:22,196
ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC
AS YOU CAN.

7
00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:23,632
AND BAM!

8
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:26,417
BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE
A TITLE AS YOU CAN.

9
00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:27,418
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

10
00:00:27,462 --> 00:00:28,419
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

11
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:29,942
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

12
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:31,074
THE WHAT?

13
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:32,554
I'VE HEARD THE JOKE,

14
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,425
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER
WHAT WAS SO BAD.

15
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:36,297
I REMEMBER THAT I FAINTED.

16
00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:37,254
[ Laughing ]

17
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:40,779
David Brenner:
THAT JOKE'S BEEN AROUND.

18
00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,868
"THE ARISTOCRATS" IS
ALWAYS LIKE A CLASSIC.

19
00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:44,696
IN FACT, THEY TOLD IT ON...
I THINK IT WAS THE "NINA"

20
00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:45,871
OR THE "PINTA" ON
THE "SANTA MARIA"

21
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,177
WHEN COLUMBUS WAS
CROSSING THE OCEAN.

22
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:49,440
AND I THINK LINCOLN TOLD
ME. I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

23
00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:51,312
I WAS AT THE THEATRE AT
THE TIME. I WAS AN USHER.

24
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,793
OF ALL THE JOKES TO DO
A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT,

25
00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:55,968
YOU CHOSE THIS ONE?

26
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:56,665
[ Chortling ]

27
00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,929
Michael McKean:
THERE WAS THIS
SECRET SOCIETY:

28
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,713
CHEVY CHASE AND
MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE,

29
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,541
I THINK JOHN BELUSHI
AND SOME OTHERS,

30
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:05,761
THEY HAD THIS
COVEN OF... PEOPLE

31
00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:07,937
WHO WOULD TELL THIS JOKE
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

32
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,895
CHEVY CHASE SUPPOSEDLY
USED TO HAVE PARTIES,

33
00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:12,115
AND THE CRITERIA
WAS, YOU HAD THE MOM,

34
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:14,639
THE DAD, THE SON, THE
DAUGHTER, AND A DOG.

35
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:17,555
AND YOU HAD TO TALK WITH
SOME COMBINATION OF THAT

36
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,253
WITHOUT REPEATING YOURSELF;

37
00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,298
IF YOU REPEATED YOURSELF
YOU WERE OUT.

38
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,213
THE IDEA WAS THAT
WE GOT TO BREAK
A HALF AN HOUR.

39
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:24,301
YOU KNOW, WE
GOT TO GET...

40
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,737
WE GOT TO MAKE
THIS JOKE LAST

41
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:26,869
MORE THAN
A HALF AN HOUR.

42
00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:28,088
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER THEY EVER DID.

43
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,567
APPARENTLY O'DONOGHUE
CAME CLOSE.

44
00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:31,439
BUT DIED IN
THE ATTEMPT.
[ Laughing ]

45
00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:33,136
NOT WELL KNOWN.

46
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,398
I HEARD MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE

47
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:36,226
DID IT FOR 90 MINUTES ONCE.

48
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:37,923
Billy Connolly:
IT'S THE ONLY JOKE I KNOW

49
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,317
THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT.

50
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,319
I'M ALWAYS SHOCKED WHEN
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS JOKE.

51
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:43,755
IT IS A PERVASIVE JOKE.

52
00:01:43,799 --> 00:01:45,714
IT WAS A BURLESQUE
KIND OF A JOKE.

53
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:48,064
IT HAD BEEN KICKED
AROUND A LOT, YOU KNOW.

54
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,501
I REMEMBER IT, THE SAME
YOU REMEMBER ANY FIRST,

55
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:53,156
LIKE THE FIRST TIME
YOU HEAR A CUT FROM
A LENNY BRUCE ALBUM.

56
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,810
IT WAS SHOCKING!
YOU'D NEVER HEARD THAT.

57
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:56,420
I HEARD IT FROM A GENTLEMAN

58
00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:58,161
WHO WAS RUNNING
"SECOND CITY" IN CHICAGO.

59
00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:00,468
AT UCLA, WORKING ON
THE HUMOUR MAGAZINE.

60
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,165
THE EDITOR AT THE
TIME TOLD ME THE JOKE.

61
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,732
BILL HICK. THAT'S
WHERE I HEARD IT.

62
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,560
I THINK I FIRST HEARD
"THE ARISTOCRATS"

63
00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:08,171
WHILE DOING BLOW IN
"CATCH A RISING STAR"
WITH RICHARD BELZIER.

64
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:11,392
THIS JOKE WAS A FRIEND OF
EVERY COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD.

65
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:12,828
Chris Albrecht:
I FIRST WENT TO
THE IMPROV NIGHTCLUB

66
00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:15,744
IN NEW YORK IN '73, DID
SOME STAND-UP COMEDY THERE,

67
00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:17,224
BECAME THE MANAGER
AND GOT TO MEET

68
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,095
THE BEST YOUNG COMEDIANS
OF THAT TIME.

69
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,098
GOT A REAL EDUCATION
IN THE COMEDY WORLD,

70
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,535
AND ONE OF THE
THINGS THAT WAS ALWAYS
EXTREMELY CONSISTENT

71
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:27,495
WHEREVER YOU WENT WAS
"THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

72
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:30,672
I HAD HEARD ABOUT
"THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

73
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:33,065
WE DO COMEDY, AND WE WORK
PLACES THAT HAVE COMEDY,

74
00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:34,719
BUT WE'RE ALSO IN
THE MAGIC WORLD,

75
00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:38,245
SO WE ALWAYS, ARE
KIND OF OBSERVERS
OF THE COMEDY WORLD.

76
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,856
AND THERE WAS
ALWAYS THIS SECRET
HANDSHAKE OF...

77
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,205
OF A WHOLE
CULTURE THING

78
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:44,251
THAT'S... WAS,
TO ME, SYMBOLIZED

79
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,339
BY THE JOKE,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

80
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,297
I DON'T THINK COMICS

81
00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:48,864
SHOULD BE THAT PROUD,

82
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,605
QUITE FRANKLY,

83
00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:53,216
ABOUT REPEATING A JOKE
THAT'S BEEN GOING ON

84
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,914
SINCE BUD FRIEDMAN
OPENED THE FIRST IMPROV

85
00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:58,265
IN... NEXT TO THE
PYRAMIDS. YOU DIG?

86
00:02:58,308 --> 00:03:00,963
I DON'T THINK COMEDIANS TOLD
THIS KIND OF JOKE ON STAGE.

87
00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:02,399
HOW MANY PEOPLE
TELL JOKES ON STAGE?

88
00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,140
PEOPLE USUALLY HAVE ROUTINES

89
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,273
OR THEY STRING TOGETHER
SMALL, SHORT OBSERVATIONS.

90
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,275
I MEAN, YOU DON'T DO
JOKE-JOKES ON STAGE EVER.

91
00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:09,580
THAT'S THE TOTAL
KISS OF DEATH

92
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:10,799
'CAUSE YOU'RE VIEWED
AS THE BIG OLD HACK.

93
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:13,845
YOU KNOW THE WAY THOSE
URBAN LEGENDS GO?

94
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,108
EH, THE PEOPLE
ALWAYS KNEW SOMEBODY

95
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,719
WHO SAW THIS GUY DOIN' IT,

96
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:19,851
BUT I NEVER SAW ANYONE
PERFORMIN' IT.

97
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,940
IT'S THE KIND OF JOKE
THAT YOU LOVE TELLIN'
OTHER COMICS.

98
00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:23,333
WE WOULD JUST TELL
THEM TO EACH OTHER,

99
00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:24,900
AND THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH OUR ACT.

100
00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:26,554
IT WAS THIS KIND OF THING
THAT YOU WOULD SHARE

101
00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,251
WITH THE... WITH
THE MUSICIANS.

102
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:31,123
IT JUST REMAINED IN THE
BUSINESS, SWIRLING ROUND.

103
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,429
A LOT OF THE FUNNIEST
STUFF HAPPENED

104
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:33,430
ACTUALLY AFTER
THE AUDIENCE LEFT.

105
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,563
WE'RE DIFFERENT,
WE'RE IN HERE,

106
00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:37,826
IT'S... THERE'S NO RULES.
THE HEADMASTER WENT HOME.

107
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,262
WE GOT THE DORMITORY
TO OURSELVES.

108
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,698
"WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
THIS," YOU KNOW?

109
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:43,135
I HAVE A RECOLLECTION
OF THE JOKE BEING TOLD

110
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,486
AT ABOUT 4:30, 5:00
O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

111
00:03:45,529 --> 00:03:46,922
FOR A BUNCH OF COMEDIANS.

112
00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,185
AND YOU ALWAYS SAVED
IT, LIKE A POWERHOUSE.

113
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,274
THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE
TOPPERS THAT YOU
COULD PULL OUT.

114
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,363
THERE WAS ALMOST, LIKE,
A CHORUS OF THE PUNCHLINE.

115
00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:54,669
YOU KNOW, "AND
WHAT'S IT'S CALLED?"

116
00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,323
BUT THE JOKES THAT WE
USED TO LOVE TELLING,

117
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,977
AND THE JOKES THAT I ALWAYS
LOVED, WERE THESE JOKES

118
00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:01,371
THAT HAVE THIS BODY OF
PERFORMANCE IN THE MIDDLE.

119
00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:03,808
IT'S A SHOW-OFFY KIND
OF AN INSIDE THING FOR...

120
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,114
FOR PERFORMING COMICS.

121
00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:06,985
GARY SHANDLING
TOLD IT TO ME;

122
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:09,466
I THINK IT'S THE WAY I TOLD
IT, WORD FOR WORD, TO EMO,

123
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,294
WHICH IS PROBABLY LIKE PLAYING
THE TELEPHONE GAME.

124
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,078
THERE'S THE BASIC FRAMEWORK,

125
00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:17,387
BUT THEN EVERY COMEDIAN
PUTS HIS OWN IMPRIMATUR
ON THE JOKE

126
00:04:17,431 --> 00:04:18,823
AND REALLY MAKES
IT THEIR OWN.

127
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:20,825
I DON'T KNOW THE
STANDARD TELLING

128
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:22,392
OF THIS JOKE ANY
MORE. IT'S LOST.

129
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,873
WELL, IT'S A
VAUDEVILLE AGENT.

130
00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:28,180
JAY MARSHALL IS
THE DEFINITIVE
JOKE-TELLER ON THAT,

131
00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:29,617
EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT
KNOWN AS A COMEDIAN,

132
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,184
BECAUSE HE IS FROM
THE VARIETY ARTS.

133
00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:34,361
JAY MARSHALL TURNS
OUT TO BE THE ONE

134
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:37,407
WHO TELLS THE ARISTOCRATS
JOKE FOR THE LEGMAN BOOK.

135
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,496
IT'S THE LAST
STORY IN THE BOOK.

136
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,324
HE GETS THE WHOLE
THING ACROSS IN TWO
OR THREE SENTENCES.

137
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,807
A VAUDEVILLE AGENT
IS INTERVIEWING ACTS,

138
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:47,983
AND AN ACT COMES IN. HE
SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

139
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,550
AND HE SAYS, "WELL, MY
WIFE AND I COME OUT

140
00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,508
AND TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF,

141
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:52,944
THEN WE SHIT ON THE STAGE

142
00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:54,337
AND THE KIDS COME OUT
AND WALLOW IN IT."

143
00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:58,254
HE SAYS, "WHAT KIND OF
AN ACT DO YOU CALL THAT?"

144
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,692
HE SAYS, "WE CALL
IT 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

145
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,259
THE JOKE SUCKS!

146
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,392
YOU SUCK FOR
HAVING THE IDEA

147
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,872
OF PUTTING THIS
ON A DOCUMENTARY!

148
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,526
I HATE THE JOKE.

149
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:13,530
THE PIECE OF SHIT, STOLEN,
PRETEND-TO-BE HUMOUR.

150
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,012
ALTHOUGH THE
PREMISE IS FUNNY.

151
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,667
LET ME JUST... LET ME
BACKTRACK JUST A BIT.

152
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,973
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S A
PERFECTLY CRAFTED JOKE.

153
00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:23,061
IT'S GOT A TWO
WORD PUNCH LINE...

154
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,541
AND SINCE THE
MIDDLE IS OPEN

155
00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:26,717
YOU CAN DO
ANYTHING WITH IT.

156
00:05:26,761 --> 00:05:28,937
IT'S LIKE A JAZZ THEME.
THERE'S THE BASIC MELODY

157
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,939
BUT ANYBODY CAN
IMPROVISE ON IT.

158
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:33,594
AND I CANNOT REMEMBER,
FOR THE LIFE OF ME,

159
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:36,031
WHAT THE DETAILS
OF THE ACT WERE.

160
00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:37,598
I JUST KNEW, AS
I WAS HEARING IT,

161
00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,251
YOU COULD DO WHAT
YOU WANT WITH IT,

162
00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:42,385
AS LONG AS YOU GOT TO THE...
"WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

163
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,386
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

164
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,301
YOU JUST WANT TO
SHOCK THE PEOPLE

165
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,259
SO THAT WHEN YOU COME
BACK, THE JUXTAPOSITION

166
00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:49,087
OF WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
BECOMES THE LAUGH.

167
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:50,872
IT'S FILLED WITH VULGARITY.

168
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:53,091
IT'S NOT KIND OF VULGAR.
IT'S... IT'S REVOLTING.

169
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:54,179
YOU'RE DISGUSTING

170
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:55,485
AND THEN THE
PUNCHLINE.

171
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:58,227
AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE
IS SORT OF UPLIFTING.

172
00:05:58,270 --> 00:05:59,968
THE MORE VULGAR IT IS,

173
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:01,926
THE MORE IRONIC BECOMES
THE PUNCHLINE.

174
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:04,102
THE MORE GROTESQUERIES,
THE BETTER OF IT.

175
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:06,757
THAT'S THE CRAFT OF...
THE ART IS... IS HOW
YOU MAKE THAT TURN.

176
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,455
THAT'S THE THING YOU
CAN'T... YOU CAN'T BOTTLE,

177
00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:09,717
'CAUSE THAT'S A
PERFORMANCE THING.

178
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,807
GUY GOES IN THE AGENT'S
OFFICE AND HE SAYS,

179
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:16,506
"I GOT AN ACT FOR YOU.
WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THIS."

180
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,639
THE GUY SAYS, "ALL RIGHT,
TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT
IT. WHAT'S THE ACT?"

181
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:21,511
HE SAYS, "MY WIFE AND
I COME OUT ON STAGE.

182
00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:24,035
I'VE TAKEN A LOT
OF, UH, MEDICINE

183
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,776
PRIOR TO THE APPEARANCE,

184
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,953
AND I'VE EATEN A LOT
OF CABBAGES AND THINGS.

185
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:31,260
SHE LIES DOWN ON STAGE.

186
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:34,263
I SQUAT OVER HER,
I PULL DOWN MY PANTS,

187
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,874
AND I SHIT IN HER MOUTH
IT'S MOSTLY LIQUID.

188
00:06:36,918 --> 00:06:39,094
IT'S, UH, LIKE
A DIARRHEIC THING.

189
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,836
I TRY TO INCLUDE CORN
AND THINGS THAT WILL
NOT BREAK DOWN

190
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:45,274
IN THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM;
PEANUTS, OF COURSE.

191
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,319
I TRY TO GET A LOT
OF SOLID OBJECTS

192
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:48,756
SO THAT THERE'S A
LITTLE ACTION TOO,

193
00:06:48,799 --> 00:06:51,367
IT'S NOT JUST A STREAM
OF BROWN LIQUID.

194
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,804
AND IT ALL GOES
INTO... MOST...

195
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,415
I CAN HIT HER
MOUTH PRETTY WELL.

196
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:56,807
I DO HAVE ONE POLYP.

197
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,853
I HAVE A LARGE, KIND OF
A HAEMORRHOIDAL POLYP

198
00:06:58,896 --> 00:07:02,117
THAT SOMETIMES THROWS MY AIM
OFF AND I HAVE TO KIND OF...

199
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,814
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
KENTUCKY WIND-ISH,

200
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,468
BUT I CAN USUALLY GET
IT 'CAUSE I CAN HEAR

201
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:08,428
WHETHER IT'S HITTING
THE HOLLOW AREA OF
HER THROAT OR NOT.

202
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:11,082
SO, I GET AS MUCH
AS I CAN IN THERE

203
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,520
AND THEN SHE GARGLES WITH
IT. WE HEAR THE GARGLING.

204
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:17,306
SHE'S GARGLING, GARGLING,
AND THEN SHE SWALLOWS IT.

205
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:20,701
AND, UH, WE'RE OFF. IT'S
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES TOTAL."

206
00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:22,442
AND THE GUY SAYS, "OH.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

207
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:24,574
HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS."

208
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,359
[ Laughing ]

209
00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:30,058
I WAS MAKING THAT UP.
I GUESS YOU COULD TELL.

210
00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:34,018
THE FUN OF IT IS WHEN YOU
IMPROVISE ON THE GROSSNESS.

211
00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:36,456
DOING THE JOHN COLTRANE
VERSION OF THIS.

212
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:38,458
THIS JOKE WAS A JOY
FOR COMICS TO TELL

213
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:42,636
MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS
SUCH A FOUL CHUNK OF TIME

214
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:45,334
THAT YOU COULD JUST
BE DESCRIBING THE
MOST FOUL THINGS,

215
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:48,250
AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT
YOU COULD COME UP WITH
THAT WOULD BE WRONG.

216
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:50,905
IT'S A BLANK, UH, SLATE,
AND YOU GET TO PLAY.

217
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:52,472
YOU GET TO PLAY.

218
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,691
HOW SCREWED UP... HOW MANY
NEW THINGS COULD YOU THINK OF

219
00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,258
TO MAKE THIS GROUP OF
PEOPLE TRULY BIZARRE?

220
00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:59,609
WHETHER IT'S A SHUFFLEBOARD
UP A NICE ANIMAL'S BEHIND

221
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,655
OR WHETHER PEOPLE ARE
SWIMMING IN MANURE...

222
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,395
A YOUNG GIRL
COMES ON STAGE

223
00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:04,962
SINGING
"NEARER MY GOD TO THEE"

224
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:06,442
WHILE JUGGLING TORCHES.

225
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,618
THESE ARE MY TWO
CHILDREN. THEY PASS GAS

226
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:11,534
TO THE TUNE OF
"WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"
IN UNISON!

227
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:14,711
ONE OF THE SONS IS PLAYING
A XYLOPHONE WITH HIS COCK.

228
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:15,843
THEY HAVE A MIDGET UNCLE

229
00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:17,409
WITH THREE DICKS COMING
OUT OF HIS HEAD.

230
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:18,976
I COME OUT
DRESSED AS HITLER

231
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,674
IN CROTCH-LESS PANTIES.

232
00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:22,850
I AM CATCHING THE
PING PONG BALLS,

233
00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:24,460
AND I'M CATCHING
THEM IN MY ASS.

234
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,070
HE CUMS ON MY WIFE'S TITS.

235
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,811
WE WAIT, LIKE, A HALF
AN HOUR TILL IT HARDENS,

236
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,073
THEN I CHIP IT
OFF WITH A CHISEL.

237
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:30,031
SIX MIDGETS COME OUT...

238
00:08:30,074 --> 00:08:32,033
THEY HAVE SEX
IN A KIDDIE POOL

239
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:34,818
FULL OF BEEF ENTRAILS
AND ABORTED FETUSES.

240
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,646
LITTLE MIDGETS, THEY
ALL START CUMMING,

241
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:38,996
ONE BY ONE.
[ Humming ]

242
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,782
AND SHOOT FOUNTAINS OF
JIZM INTO $100 SEATS.

243
00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,566
YOU KNOW THE
FOUNTAINS OUTSIDE
THE BELLAGIO,

244
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:44,872
HOW THEY'RE COORDINATED
LIKE THAT?

245
00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,482
THAT WAS EXACTLY
WHAT THESE GUYS
PULLED OFF.

246
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,137
MY GRANDMOTHER, ON THE
STAGE, HAS AN ABORTION!

247
00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:51,443
GIVES BIRTH TO A THREE-
POUND SHETLAND PONY!

248
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,881
THE KIDS ARE SIAMESE TWINS
ATTACHED AT THE ASS.

249
00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,535
MY GRANDFATHER
IS THE JOCKEY.

250
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:57,145
COMES IN THIRD
AND PAID 280!

251
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,190
THE SIAMESE TWINS GIVE
EACH OTHER REACH-AROUNDS

252
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,714
AND JERK EACH OTHER OFF.

253
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,585
[ Laughing ]

254
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,108
Man:
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER THE OBJECT

255
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,154
IS TO BE AS OFFENSIVE
AS POSSIBLE

256
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:08,243
OR WHETHER TO USE
IT JUDICIOUSLY IN
THE RIGHT PLACES

257
00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:09,505
AS A BUILD-UP TO
THE PUNCHLINE.

258
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,898
I ALWAYS LIKE TO EXPLAIN
HOW TO TELL THE JOKE

259
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:13,204
SINCE EVERYBODY'S... YOU
ALREADY HEARD THE JOKE.

260
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:15,032
SO THIS IS HOW YOU... WHEN
YOU WANT TO TELL THE JOKE,

261
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,425
YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE
IT'S JUST REALLY FILTHY,

262
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,644
THE FILTHIER THE BETTER.

263
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,036
A GUY GOES INTO A
TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE,

264
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,081
HE SAYS, "I HAVE THE
GREATEST ACT IN THE WORLD."

265
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,386
TALENT AGENT SAYS,
"WHAT'S THE ACT?"

266
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:22,866
THAT'S ALL YOU
GOT TO MEMORIZE.

267
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:25,086
YOU COULD AD LIB RIGHT
UP TO THE PUNCHLINE.

268
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,696
ALL YOU HAD TO DO IS
REMEMBER ONE WORD.

269
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,655
AND THE REST OF IT IS, YOU
MAKE... I ALWAYS MAKE IT UP.

270
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:29,917
EVERY TIME I TELL IT,
IT'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

271
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,135
THEY WOULD BE NAKED.

272
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:32,267
IT WOULD HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH PEEING.

273
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,835
WE'RE HIGH-FLYING
TRAPEZE PERFORMERS,

274
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,446
WE FLY OVER THE AUDIENCE
DOING TRIPLE GAINERS.

275
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:40,014
WE PISS OVER THE
FIRST THREE ROWS.

276
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:41,450
INCLUDE FECES.

277
00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:42,712
HE TAKES A CRAP
ON THE STAGE,

278
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,061
JUMPS IN THE PILE
OF SHIT...

279
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,846
AND THEY TAKE
A BIG GROUP SHIT.

280
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,978
THE WOMEN SLIDE
ON THEIR ASSES

281
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:49,632
ALL THE WAY UP
THROUGH THIS SHIT.

282
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,634
WE JUST ROLL
AROUND IN THE SHIT.

283
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:53,462
AND THEY JUST START SKATING
IN THE SHIT, SKATING...

284
00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:54,855
YOU KNOW PEOPLE
SKATE IN SHIT?

285
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,726
DABBLES IN THE SHIT AND
THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE,

286
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,423
AND DABBLES IN THE PISS
AND THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE.

287
00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,382
WABBLING IN THE
SHIT AND THE PISS

288
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,862
AND THEY'RE WAPPING
IN EACH OTHER'S FACES!

289
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,428
ONE OF THEM
TAKES A SHIT,

290
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:04,691
AND THEY ALL...
AND EVERYBODY
SLIDES THROUGH IT.

291
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:05,909
THEY ALL DO.
THEY SLIDE...

292
00:10:05,953 --> 00:10:07,389
DID THEY END UP IN
THE SPLITS IN THE SHIT?

293
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,912
THEY GO INTO THE SPLITS

294
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:10,305
AND THEY HAVE
A BIG FINISH...
BUT THAT'S THE...

295
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,480
THAT'S THE FINISH?

296
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:12,655
I THOUGHT THEY PEED
ON EACH OTHER TOO.

297
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,352
YOU INCLUDE VOMIT.

298
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:16,137
GETS SICK, VOMITS.
EATS THE VOMIT.

299
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,704
EVERYBODY STARTS PUKING.

300
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:18,835
AND THEN ONE OF
THEM VOMITED ON...

301
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:20,358
AND THAT MADE
EVERYBODY ELSE SICK.

302
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,187
WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. THATMADE
EVERYBODY SICK?

303
00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,755
HEY, SHIT AND
PEE, NO PROBLEM.

304
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:26,713
YEAH, BUT
THE VOMIT...

305
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:27,888
YOU ADD VOMIT,
FORGET IT!

306
00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:29,803
SO IT'S GOT A LOT...
IT'S EDGE HUMOUR.

307
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,413
IT'S PUSHING THE EDGE
OF WHAT YOU CAN TAKE.

308
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:32,762
AND ONCE THE
EDGE IS CROSSED,

309
00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:34,416
THEN YOU START
GETTING HYSTERICAL.

310
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,200
ME AND MY WIFE
COME UP ON STAGE.

311
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,724
SHE TAKES A DUMP IN
THIS BIG METAL BUCKET.

312
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,160
SHE'S GOT A BUCKET OF SHIT.

313
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,509
SHE POURS IT ON
THE GUY'S HEAD.

314
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:42,076
MY SON, THE LITTLE ONE,
HE'S THREE YEARS OLD...

315
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,643
THIS IS THE PART
THAT'S ADORABLE...

316
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,688
TAKES A BUCKET OF SHIT,
THROWS IT IN HER FACE.

317
00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:47,690
SHE THEN TAKES THE BUCKET
OF PUKE, SHIT AND PISS,

318
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,213
PUTS IT OVER HER
HEAD LIKE A HELMET,

319
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:50,214
STARTS PARADING
AROUND ON STAGE

320
00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:51,738
LIKE A LITTLE
MIDGET NAZI.

321
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:54,828
SUCH DISGUSTING REFERENCES,
ONE AFTER ANOTHER.

322
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,220
IT KIND OF MAKES
ITS OWN GRAVY,

323
00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:57,657
THIS JOKE.

324
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,442
IT'S A DISGUSTING
JOKE. IT'S SHIT.

325
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,835
BUT THE ONLY REASON
I COULD SAY THAT

326
00:11:01,878 --> 00:11:04,228
IS BECAUSE I'M REALLY
KIND OF AN ARISTOCRAT.

327
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:04,968
[ Laughing ]

328
00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:08,189
DO THEY ACTUALLY
EAT SHIT

329
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:10,017
AT ANY POINT
DURING THE ACT?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.

330
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:11,845
I'VE HEARD SHITTING
AND EATING IT...

331
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,977
SHE REACHES INTO THE BACK
OF GRANDPA'S DIAPERS,

332
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:16,240
PULLS OUT A BALL OF
SHIT, STARTS EATING
IT LIKE AN APPLE.

333
00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:19,113
I'VE HEARD BRINGING ANIMALS
AND BESTIALITY INTO IT.

334
00:11:19,156 --> 00:11:20,680
I FORGOT THE DOG!
THERE'S A DOG TOO!

335
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,594
AND THE DOG, OH, HO!

336
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:24,379
THEN THE DOG FUCKS THE GIRL...

337
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:25,946
THAT'S CALLED BESTIALITY.

338
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,338
Man:
YES...
IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

339
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:28,296
IT'S IN
MY DIARY.

340
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,515
[ Hooting ]

341
00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,692
HE SAID IT'S IN HIS DIARY.

342
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,433
AND I KNEW HIS DOG.

343
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:38,741
I'VE HEARD, UH...

344
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,439
MAYBE WE COULD
DO A VERSION.
[ Laughing ]

345
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,311
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE
ALONG WITH THE DOG,

346
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:44,704
BUT THE ENTIRE
FAMILY IS INVOLVED.

347
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,575
IT'S A FAMILY ACT,

348
00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:49,447
WHICH ADDS SUCH A FUCKED-UP
DIMENSION TO IT ANYWAY.

349
00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:52,624
YOU INCLUDE CHILDREN IN
THE ACT, UNSPEAKABLE ACTS

350
00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:55,410
THAT THE CHILDREN
WERE PERFORMING WITH
AND ON EACH OTHER.

351
00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,238
PEOPLE CAN GET UP ON STAGE

352
00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:59,631
IF THEY WANT TO, YOU
KNOW, FINGER MY NIECE

353
00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:00,981
OR TOUCH MY NEPHEW'S PENIS.

354
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:03,287
THERE SHOULD BE
HIGH-RISK BEHAVIOURS,

355
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:06,595
MIXING OF BODY FLUIDS,
BLOOD FROM EVERY HOLE.

356
00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:07,901
A LOT OF YOU ARE
PROBABLY SAYING,

357
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,425
"WELL, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
BACKTRACK A LITTLE HERE.

358
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,688
WHERE DID THE
BLOOD COME FROM?

359
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,690
YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT BLOOD."

360
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,302
WELL, IF A GUY IS FIST
FUCKING HIS DAUGHTER,

361
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:21,044
WHO'S YOUNG AND HER
ASSHOLE IS PRETTY SMALL,

362
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,786
AND THIS IS A GROWN
MAN WITH A BIG HAND.

363
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,136
HE COULD BE LIKE
A LONGSHOREMAN.

364
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,791
HE COULD HAVE
ARMS LIKE POPEYE,

365
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,924
WHERE IT'S LIKE THE
ARM IS LIKE THAT WIDE

366
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,882
AND HER ASSHOLE
IS THAT SMALL.

367
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,102
THINK ABOUT THAT FOR
A SECOND, I'LL WAIT.

368
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,278
WELL, NATURALLY SHE'S
GOING TO BE BLEEDING!

369
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,801
I'M JUST MAKING A POINT.

370
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:41,064
THE PEOPLE ARE
ABUSING EACH OTHER.

371
00:12:41,108 --> 00:12:42,587
THERE'S INCEST.

372
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:45,373
...AND ALL THE THINGS
THAT CROSS LINES.

373
00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:49,290
SO YOU GET TO PLAY
WITH PEOPLE'S, UH,
LITTLE DANGER ZONES.

374
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,771
I FUCKED MY WIFE! I FUCKED
MY SISTER! I FUCKED MY SON!

375
00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:53,903
EVERYBODY'S FUCKED.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

376
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:56,079
IT'S LIKE A
TOURETTE'S SYNDROME JOKE.

377
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,473
I'M HORRIFIED AND
YET DRAWN TO IT.

378
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:01,041
IT'S LIKE A DOG
WITH THREE LEGS.

379
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:03,391
YOU DON'T WANT TO
LOOK BUT YOU JUST...

380
00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:05,045
IT'S A PERFECT JOKE.

381
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:08,265
JUST HEARING OUT LOUD
DESCRIPTIONS OF GIDDY,

382
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:10,354
SHIT-COVERED INCEST...

383
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:13,140
AND OTHER POEMS
BY MAYA ANGELO.

384
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,882
IT IS THE ONE JOKE
WHERE YOU GET TO...

385
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:19,668
INVENT EVERY SICK ACT
YOU COULD IMAGINE,

386
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,801
LOAD IT UP INTO THIS JOKE,

387
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,846
AND NEVER ACTUALLY
BE ACCUSED OF
GILDING THE LILY.

388
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,500
SO THE WAY I
HEARD IT WAS...

389
00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,371
IT WAS ALWAYS A VERY
SWEET BEGINNING.

390
00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:30,897
THAT WAS WHAT KILLED
ME, THE SWEETNESS OF
THE GUY WHO WALKS IN,

391
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:34,161
KNOCKS ON THIS VERY
TALENTED TALENT AGENCY
AND SAYS, "WE HAVE AN ACT.

392
00:13:34,204 --> 00:13:36,598
I WAS WONDERING IF I
COULD HAVE JUST A MOMENT
OF YOUR TIME. WE HAVE..."

393
00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,513
"GO AHEAD. YOU HAVE
ONE MINUTE TO TELL
ME ABOUT YOUR ACT."

394
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,384
HE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S
A VERY DIFFERENT ACT.

395
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:41,995
IT'S A BIT OF A NOVELTY.

396
00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:43,344
IT'S MYSELF, MY
WIFE AND MY KIDS.

397
00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:44,649
FIRST I COME OUT.
I'M IN A TUXEDO.

398
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,651
MY WIFE IS IN A GOWN.
WE TAKE A BOW.

399
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:47,957
THE MUSIC STARTS.
WE DO A LITTLE DANCE.

400
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,394
MY WIFE LIFTS HER SKIRT,
I START FUCKING MY WIFE.

401
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:52,440
SHE STARTS SUCKING ME.
MY SON COMES IN,
HE DROPS HIS DRAWERS,

402
00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:53,833
NOW HE'S FUCKING MY WIFE.

403
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,878
I HAVE A DAUGHTER,
SHE'S 15. SHE COMES IN.

404
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,401
SO NOW MY WIFE IS
GOING DOWN ON MY SON,

405
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,142
MY SON'S GOT HIS
ARM UP MY DAUGHTER,

406
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,057
MY DAUGHTER'S GIVING
ME HEAD, IT'S A
BEAUTIFUL THING.

407
00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:03,320
AND THE MUSIC COMES TO A BIG
FINISH. WE'RE ALL FUCKING,

408
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:04,844
AND THEN EVERYTHING
IS JUST EVERYBODY'S.

409
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,628
AT ONE POINT MY DAUGHTER
IS ON HER BACK,

410
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,587
SHE'S... SHE'S GRABBING
BOTH MY SON AND MYSELF
IN BOTH HANDS,

411
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,894
MY WIFE IS SINGING, AND
THEN WE ALL DROP OUR DRAWERS

412
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,243
AND TAKE A HUGE
SHIT ON THE STAGE."

413
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:14,984
THE GUY SAYS, "WOW,
THAT'S A HELL OF AN ACT.

414
00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:16,464
WHAT... WHAT DO YOU
CALL YOURSELVES?"

415
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,509
HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS."

416
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:21,208
SO THERE IS THE JOKE, THAT
YOU... GET TO ACTUALLY SAY

417
00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:23,906
THAT SOMEBODY HAD, UH,
THEIR ARM UP THEIR DAUGHTER,

418
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,386
WHICH IS... YOU DON'T
REALLY HEAR OFTEN.

419
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,040
SOME PEOPLE, WHEN
THEY TELL IT,

420
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,825
REALLY FOCUS ON
THE FECAL MATTER.

421
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,263
OTHER PEOPLE REALLY
FOCUS ON THE INCEST.

422
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,917
AND TO ME, IN MY
OWN PERSONAL LIFE,

423
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,659
THOSE TWO ARE RARELY,
IF EVER, SEPARATE.

424
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:40,053
SO, SHOCK IS ONLY
ONE THING THAT HAPP...

425
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,185
I THINK THAT SOMETHING
HAPPENS ALONG THE WAY;
IT COMES WITH IT.

426
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,709
THE OTHER THING IS THERE'S
THE ART OF THE JOKE.

427
00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:46,842
YOU HAVE TO SAY PEE FIRST
INSTEAD OF SHIT FIRST.

428
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,800
THEN YOU GO TO FUCK,
OR THEN YOU GO TO FUCK

429
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:50,933
AND THEN YOU GO TO
PEE AND GO TO SHIT.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH.

430
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:52,413
I PREFER TO PEE FIRST.

431
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,589
TO ME, YOU GOT TO SAVE THE
SCATOLOGICAL FOR THE END.

432
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,547
IF YOU PUT IT IN
THE MIDDLE, YOU HAVE
NOTHING LEFT TO CLOSE.

433
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:58,071
SO, IT'S GOT TO BE FUCK,
FUCK, SUCK AND FUCK,

434
00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:00,116
AND THEN TOP OF THAT,
TOOK A BIG SHIT.

435
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,075
YOU NEED THAT
SEPARATION, I FEEL,

436
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,338
OTHERWISE, IT'S CHAOS.

437
00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:06,862
THE WAY I'VE GOT
IT, INCEST IS NEXT
TO SHIT-EATING.

438
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,820
DOG-FUCKING...
Man:
DOG-FUCKING.

439
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,039
I'M ALL ABOUT
DOG-FUCKING.

440
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:12,955
SHIT-EATING,
DOG-FUCKING,
INCESTUOUS?

441
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,348
ME AND MY WIFE
GO ON STAGE.

442
00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:16,611
WE GET UNDRESSED AND
I START NAILING MY WIFE.

443
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:18,004
AS I'M FUCKING MY WIFE,

444
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,310
SHE TAKES A DUMP
IN THIS BUCKET.

445
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:22,312
MY SON COMES OUT, HE POURS
KEROSENE IN THE BUCKET,

446
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:23,618
LIGHTS IT ON FIRE.

447
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,228
OUR TRAINED DOG
FIFI COMES OUT,

448
00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:26,273
JUMPS THROUGH
A RING OF FIRE.

449
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,970
MY SON FUCKS THE DOG.

450
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,190
MY DAUGHTER COMES OUT,
THE DOG FUCKS MY DAUGHTER.

451
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:32,453
WE ALL SAY, "GOOD NIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!"

452
00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:33,845
STANDING OVATION
EVERY TIME.

453
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,283
IT STARTS WITH A
LITTLE DICK-SUCKING.

454
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,589
THE GALS DROP TO
THEIR KNEES, START
SUCKING OFF THE BOYS.

455
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:39,939
AND LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING,

456
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,244
WHEN MY SEVEN-
YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

457
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,594
IS GIVING A BLOW JOB TO
MY ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON,

458
00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:44,595
IT'S PRICELESS.

459
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,597
THEN WE MOVE ON
TO THE FUCKING.

460
00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:49,078
BUT WE MOVE OVER ONE.

461
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:51,515
SO NOW I'M FUCKING
MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD
DAUGHTER,

462
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,300
MY SON IS FUCKING
HIS GRANDMOTHER,

463
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:55,476
AND MY FATHER IS
FUCKING MY WIFE.

464
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,782
AND THEN THE DENOUEMENT:
THE BUTT-FUCKING.

465
00:15:57,826 --> 00:15:59,828
WE MOVE OVER
ONE MORE TIME.

466
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,656
SO I'M FUCKING MY
MOTHER IN THE ASS,

467
00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:04,006
MY SON IS FUCKING
HIS MOTHER IN THE ASS,

468
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,226
AND MY FATHER IS FUCKING HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER IN THE ASS.

469
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,489
THE MEN PULL OUT,
JERK OFF INTO A DISH,

470
00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:10,360
AND THE WOMEN
SLURP IT DOWN.

471
00:16:10,404 --> 00:16:12,058
IT'S A REAL CROWD-
PLEASER: FAMILY ACT.

472
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,363
I GO UP ON STAGE.

473
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:15,017
I START TO JERK OFF
IN A SHOT GLASS.

474
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,889
MY WIFE COMES OUT, TAKES
A BELT OF MY SPLUGE,

475
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,066
TAKES OFF HER SKIRT,
SHITS IN A BUCKET.

476
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,720
MY SON PULLS THE SHIT
OUT OF THE BUCKET AND
STARTS JUGGLING IT

477
00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:24,635
WHILE HE'S PISSING
INTO THE MOUTH OF
HIS OLDER SISTER

478
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:26,986
WHO'S BEING BUTT-FUCKED
BY THE FAMILY DOG.

479
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,858
GRANDPA DROPS HIS
PANTS, STARTS FUCKING
THE DOG IN THE ASS.

480
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,469
AND THE WHOLE SHOW ENDS
WITH A BIG CIRCLE JERK
AROUND GRANDMA.

481
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:34,384
AND HERE'S THE KICKER:
GRANDMA'S DEAD.

482
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:40,825
I MEAN, IT HAS TO BE REALLY
FILTHY-DIRTY, THE ACT.

483
00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:42,131
IT SHOULD START OFF...

484
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,090
LET'S SAY IT JUST STARTS
OFF KIND OF TITILLATING,

485
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,831
AND THEN IT TURNS
PORNOGRAPHIC. I MEAN,

486
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:48,485
AND THEN IT STARTS TO BE
THE KIND OF THING WHERE,

487
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:50,487
IF YOUR DAUGHTER
WAS INVOLVED,

488
00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:53,708
YOU'D HAVE TO GO AND HELP
HER, YOU KNOW, AT ANY COST.

489
00:16:53,751 --> 00:16:55,014
THE POLICE MIGHT
NOT EVEN STEP IN.

490
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:58,365
THEN THE TALENT AGENT
SAYS, "THAT'S AWFUL.

491
00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,367
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"
LIKE, HE WANTS TO KNOW

492
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,890
AFTER HEAR... THEN
HE, LIKE, THE NAME'S
THE IMPORTANT THING.

493
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:03,587
WHICH I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
WHY HE WOULD SAY THAT.

494
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,633
I THINK IT WOU...
'CAUSE IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHAT IT'S CALLED

495
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:08,070
BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING
TO BOOK THIS SHOW.

496
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:10,986
WHERE DID THESE PEOPLE
FIND EMPLOYMENT?

497
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,553
HOW DID THEY
DEVELOP THIS ACT?

498
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:15,425
WHAT MADE THEM THINK THAT
THIS WAS ENTERTAINING?

499
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,427
I MEAN, IT'S SURPRISING
THAT THEY HAVEN'T...

500
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:18,994
THAT THEY'RE
NOT ALL IN JAIL.

501
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,910
I MEAN... AND WAITING
THE DEATH PENALTY.

502
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:23,651
I MEAN, I THINK YOU
CAN PUT PEOPLE TO DEATH

503
00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:26,175
FOR WHAT GOES ON IN THE
BEST VERSIONS OF THIS JOKE.

504
00:17:26,219 --> 00:17:27,829
'COURSE, YOU'RE
PROBABLY SAYING,

505
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,745
IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE
OF HUMAN DECENCY,

506
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:33,530
YOU SAY, "WELL, WHY
DIDN'T HE STOP THEM

507
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:37,099
THE MINUTE HE SAW THE
FATHER UNZIPPING HIS PANTS

508
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:40,450
AND SAY, 'THIS IS TOTALLY
WRONG! CALL THE COPS,

509
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,974
SOMETHING HORRIBLE'S
HAPPENING.

510
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:47,109
THIS IS A FAMILY WHO ARE
RAPING THEIR OWN CHILDREN

511
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,894
AND PERFORMING BESTIALITY.'

512
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:53,681
WHY, OH WHY, IS HE
ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN?"

513
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:55,117
BUT THAT'S A
WHOLE OTHER STORY.

514
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,597
BUT ANYWAY, HE SAYS,
"WHAT IS IT CALLED?"

515
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:57,685
BECAUSE IN A JOKE,
THAT'S WHAT HAPP...

516
00:17:57,728 --> 00:17:59,078
PEOPLE JUST SAY,
"WHAT IS IT C..."

517
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:03,212
THERE'S NO LEGAL SYSTEM
AT ALL IN PLAY IN A JOKE.

518
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:06,041
THEN THE GUY GOES,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

519
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,782
AND I ALWAYS THROW IN THAT.
[ Snapping of fingers ]

520
00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:09,523
[ Laughing ]

521
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,220
THAT SEEMS TO MAKE TO WHOLE
JOKE. "THE ARISTOCRATS".

522
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:12,482
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

523
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:13,831
OH YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT.

524
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:15,137
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

525
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,139
[ Laughing ]

526
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,880
HE'S GOING, "I THINK
IT'S ALL IN THE SNAP."

527
00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:19,576
[ Laughing ]

528
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:23,058
IT WAS FOR DREW.

529
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,755
NOW, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO
THAT WHEN THEY TELL IT?

530
00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:26,105
Man:
ONE.
THIS... AND I'M THE ONLY ONE?

531
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,454
YEAH.
REALLY?

532
00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,238
YEAH.
OH MAN, I ALWAYS LIKE...

533
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:30,544
THAT'S... I ALWAYS
TELL IT LIKE THAT.

534
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:31,762
THEY DO... WHAT DO
THEY DO, THAT, OR...?

535
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,112
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

536
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:34,591
[ With foreign accent ]
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

537
00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:36,419
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!
[ Chuckling ]

538
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:37,464
"THE ARISTOC..."
[ Laughing ]

539
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:44,166
I NEVER MAKE IT TO
THE END. I CRUMBLE.

540
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,689
I SAY... NO, IT'S
THE LOVELIEST JOKE.

541
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,604
WHOEVER TOLD IT TO
ME, "WHEN THEY FINISH,

542
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,780
THEY'RE COVERED IN SWEAT
AND THEY'RE COVERED IN CUM

543
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:50,999
AND THEY'RE COVERED IN SHIT,

544
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:52,131
AND LIKE..."
[ Panting heavily ]

545
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,093
"WHAT DO YOU
CALL YOURSELVES?"

546
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,008
"THE ARISTOCRATS!"

547
00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:01,923
AH, IT'S SO GREAT.

548
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,316
TELL DREW I AT
LEAST WENT LIKE THIS.

549
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,057
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

550
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:06,971
OH NO, I LIKE...

551
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:09,757
THAT'S REALLY ALL
THERE IS TO IT.

552
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,238
YOU HAVE TO HAVE, LIKE,
BLOOD, SHIT, PISS,

553
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,891
AND THEN, UM, THIS.

554
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:18,200
SO, UH, THIS COCKSUC...
WHAT WAS IT?

555
00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:21,725
THIS COCKSUCKER
FUCKS HIS... THERE'S
SHIT EVERYWHERE.

556
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,423
THE COCKSUCKER GOES
INTO A FUCKING...

557
00:19:23,466 --> 00:19:25,947
AND SOMETHING FECAL.

558
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:28,776
FETAL OR FECAL?
NO, FETAL IS FETAL.

559
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,256
AND THE AGENT IS
FUCKING THE DOG...

560
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,996
THE POPE IN THE CORNER...

561
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,868
THE TROUBLE IS, I'VE
NEVER HEARD THIS JOKE.

562
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,784
THE WHOLE SHIT THING...
I THINK IT'S JUST, UH...

563
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:38,960
BUT YOU KNOW, THE
PUNCHLINE DOESN'T WORK.

564
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,048
THIS GUY SAYS,
"I'VE GOT THIS ACT."

565
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,310
HE SAYS, "IT'S
A FAMILY ACT."

566
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,138
AND THE GUY SAYS,
"I GOT SHIT EVERYWHERE.

567
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,618
I DON'T WANT A FAMILY ACT."

568
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:45,793
NO, NO, THAT COULD WORK.

569
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:48,622
THE GUY, HE SAYS,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

570
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,493
HE SAYS, "I WANT...
AM I BOTHERING YOU?"

571
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:52,539
YOU DO IT GOOD.
HAVE YOU DONE IT?

572
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:54,236
GIVE IT TO ME,
I'LL FILM YOU NOW.

573
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,238
IT TAKES A LOT MORE SKILL
THAN IT LOOKS LIKE TO...

574
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:59,154
TO TELL IT WELL.
ALL RIGHT, HERE IT IS.

575
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,939
THREE PEOPLE WALK INTO A
THEATRICAL AGENT'S OFFICE

576
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:03,680
AND THEY SAY, "WE HAVE
AN ACT TO SHOW YOU

577
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:04,507
AND WE'RE CALLED
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

578
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:06,727
FUCK.

579
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,471
IT'S JUST A GUY, GOES INTO
A TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE.

580
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,255
A LOT OF PEOPLE
MAKE IT ELABORATE.
DOESN'T MATTER WHERE.

581
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:16,693
IT'S A STEAMY LITTLE
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE OFFICE.

582
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:19,174
THERE'S BARELY R... IT'S
SO FUNNY, WHENEVER I...

583
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,132
YOU EVER BEEN TO
JOE FRANKLIN'S OFFICE?

584
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,571
Franklin:
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THIS
OFFICE SINCE 2000 B.C.

585
00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:27,748
IT WAS A DIFFERENT
OFFICE UNTIL THEY
CONDEMNED THE BUILDING.

586
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,880
FRANK SINATRA SAT HERE,
BETTE MIDLER,

587
00:20:29,924 --> 00:20:32,013
BILLY CRYSTAL SAT HERE,
MICHAEL JACKSON.

588
00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:33,493
JULIA ROBERTS WAS
MY SECRETARY HERE.

589
00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:35,799
PRODUCED THE
WORLD'S LONGEST-
RUNNING TV SHOW HERE.

590
00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:37,148
I'M JOE FRANKLIN.

591
00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:38,454
IT'S THAT OFFICE.

592
00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:40,500
MAN WALKS INTO
AN AGENT'S OFFICE

593
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,241
AND, UH, IT'S
JUST LIKE A DESK.

594
00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,504
YOU KNOW, A COUPLE OF
CHAIRS, A TELEPHONE...

595
00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,332
STOP DANCING AROUND,
MOTHERFUCKER,

596
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:47,768
AND TELL THE
FUCKING THING!

597
00:20:47,811 --> 00:20:49,726
PHONE...
YOU KNOW,
SQUARE ROOM

598
00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:51,815
LIKE A BO...
ALL RIGHT ALREADY!

599
00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:53,295
YOU ARE FUCKING
HORRIBLE.

600
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:54,296
TELL THE
FUCKING JOKE.

601
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:56,255
TELL THE THING.
ALL RIGHT!

602
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,300
"MY WIFE COMES OUT
IN A BEAUTIFUL
EVENING GOWN,

603
00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,476
PLAYS 'TEA FOR TWO'
ON THE XYLOPHONE."

604
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,652
WITH HER CUNT?
NO, NO, NO.

605
00:21:02,696 --> 00:21:04,393
THEN MY
GRANDPARENTS
COME OUT

606
00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:06,308
AND THEY SING
"GOD BLESS AMERICA".

607
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:07,483
IT'S REAL
PATRIOTIC.

608
00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,093
WHILE FUCKING
EACH OTHER?

609
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,182
YECCH! EVER SEEN AN
OLD WOMAN'S CUNT?

610
00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:12,575
IT LOOKS LIKE
SILLY PUTTY.

611
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,751
SO THEN... THEY...
YOU KILLED ME.

612
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:16,275
YOU'RE KILLING
ME HERE.

613
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:18,364
WELL, YOU'RE A LOSER.
YOU CAN'T TELL
A FUCKING JOKE.

614
00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:20,670
"MY SON COMES OUT,
I SHOOT HIM
IN THE HEAD,

615
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,585
AND THEN I FUCK
THE BULLET HOLE.

616
00:21:22,629 --> 00:21:24,587
AND THEN MY DAUGHTER
COMES ON STAGE.

617
00:21:24,631 --> 00:21:26,763
SHE'S A REAL SEXY
NINE-YEAR-OLD.

618
00:21:26,807 --> 00:21:28,678
I HIT HER ON
THE HEAD WITH
AN AXE HANDLE,

619
00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:30,637
BURN HER CUNT WITH
A CURLING IRON,

620
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,769
PUT A FISH HOOK
THROUGH MY COCK,

621
00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:35,206
FUCK HER, KILL HER,
AND TAKE A SHIT
ON HER DEAD BODY.

622
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,079
THAT'S THE KIND OF
DELIVERY YOU NEED.

623
00:21:39,602 --> 00:21:40,603
COCKSUCKER.

624
00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:43,214
I ACTUALLY
STRETCHED IT OUT ONCE

625
00:21:43,258 --> 00:21:44,781
TO TWO AND A HALF HOURS,

626
00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:47,349
BUT I BLEW
THE PUNCHLINE.
[ Laughter ]

627
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:49,264
YOU KNOW, I GOT ALL
THE WAY TO THE END.

628
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,788
IT INVOLVED WHITE SLAVERY
AND A ZEPPELIN RACE,

629
00:21:51,832 --> 00:21:54,225
AND THEN AT THE END I GOT,
"THE ARISTOCATS"!

630
00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:55,749
"CRATS"! AAHHH!

631
00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:58,229
IT'S THE ARISTOCRATS,
NOT TO BE CONFUSED

632
00:21:58,273 --> 00:22:00,449
WITH THE WONDERFUL DISNEY
FILM, "THE ARISTOCATS".

633
00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:02,973
OFTEN, I WOULD
GO, "BABABADA...

634
00:22:03,017 --> 00:22:04,366
HE STUCK IN... AND
SHE'S DOING..."

635
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:05,759
"WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"
"THE ARISTOCATS".

636
00:22:05,802 --> 00:22:07,456
OH! NO, NO, NO!
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

637
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,415
SO THE PEOPLE WOULD
THINK THAT THAT WAS
PART OF THE JOKE,

638
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:11,982
THAT THE GUY HIMSELF
GOT THE NAME WRONG

639
00:22:12,026 --> 00:22:13,680
AND THE... PEOPLE
WOULD BE SAYING,

640
00:22:13,723 --> 00:22:15,638
"WHY... WHY DID HE SAY
'CATS' AND THEN 'CRATS'?"

641
00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:17,161
"HE DIDN'T, I JUST
HAD A PROBLEM."

642
00:22:17,205 --> 00:22:18,641
WHICH WAS MORE ABSURD.
THEY GO, "WAIT A SECOND.

643
00:22:18,685 --> 00:22:20,382
YOU HAVE A JOKE THAT
TAKES 11 MINUTES TO TELL

644
00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:23,342
AND YOU DON'T REALLY
UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE?"

645
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,561
SO IT'S... IT WAS A BIT OF
A DANGEROUS JOKE FOR ME.

646
00:22:26,519 --> 00:22:28,477
BUT I TELL IT TO YOU
TO... TO HELP OTHERS,

647
00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:29,783
SO THAT THE KIDS
WHO COME AFTER ME

648
00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:31,350
WON'T LIVE THE HORROR
OR THE SHAME THAT I DID.

649
00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:35,049
I HATE JOKES. I
CAN'T REMEMBER THEM.

650
00:22:35,092 --> 00:22:37,094
THE ONLY JOKE
I COULD EVER TELL

651
00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:40,402
IS ABOUT A MAN, GOES
INTO A PUB IN GLASGOW

652
00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:42,361
AND HE SEES ANOTHER GUY.

653
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:44,363
AND THE OTHER GUY
HITS HIM OVER THE
HEAD WITH AN IRON BAR.

654
00:22:44,406 --> 00:22:46,539
AND HE SAYS, "HEY, OW!

655
00:22:46,582 --> 00:22:48,323
ARE YOU TRYING
TO BE FUNNY?"

656
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:49,716
AND THE GUY SAYS, "NO."

657
00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:51,413
I'M SORRY.
[ Laughing ]

658
00:22:51,457 --> 00:22:53,372
I TOLD YOU, I
DON'T DO JOKES.

659
00:22:53,415 --> 00:22:54,373
[ Laughter ]

660
00:22:56,157 --> 00:22:57,419
I DON'T DO JOKES

661
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:58,986
AND I DON'T EVEN
WANT TO DO THIS,

662
00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:01,118
BUT WHEN THEY BEG, IT
GETS SO RIDICULOUS.

663
00:23:01,162 --> 00:23:04,165
WITH MY KIND OF THING,
IT'S ALWAYS ATTITUDE.

664
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:06,428
I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE
TO PICK UP ON JOKES,
TO BE VERY HONEST.

665
00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:07,647
NOT THAT THERE'S
ANYTHING TO WRONG IN IT,

666
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:08,952
BUT IT'S NEVER
BEEN MY THING.

667
00:23:08,996 --> 00:23:11,346
WHEN I TOLD IT TO EMO,
HE LOOKED LIKE, "MY GOD,

668
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:13,522
THAT'S THE JOKE I SHOULD'VE
WRITTEN BUT I NEVER WILL."

669
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:15,045
I MEAN, THAT IS AN EMO JOKE.

670
00:23:15,089 --> 00:23:16,917
THESE THREE GUYS WALK IN.

671
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,658
THEY SAY, "WE HAVE
A GREAT, GREAT ACT."

672
00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:21,312
AND THEY ALL UNZIP
THEIR FLIES AND THEY
PEE ON THE FLOOR.

673
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:22,488
THEN THEY ALL PULL
DOWN THEIR PANTS AND...

674
00:23:22,531 --> 00:23:24,403
AND THEY POO ON THE FLOOR.

675
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:26,492
AND THEN THEY ALL PUT
THEIR FINGERS DOWN THEIR
THROATS AND THEY VOMIT

676
00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:28,232
AND THEN THEY
START SLIP-SLIDING.

677
00:23:28,276 --> 00:23:29,973
AND THE AGENT SAID, "WHAT
DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

678
00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:32,454
AND THEY SAID,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

679
00:23:32,498 --> 00:23:34,238
THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO JUST REALLY LOVE

680
00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:36,284
THE WRITING OF THE JOKE
AND THE MOOD OF THE JOKE.

681
00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:39,461
AND THE AGENT
SAYS, "I LOVE IT,

682
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,550
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BOOK
YOU UNTIL I SEE YOU LIVE.

683
00:23:41,594 --> 00:23:43,117
NOW I'M GOING
OUT THIS WEEKEND

684
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:44,684
TO SEE THE BUTT-FUCKING
FAUNTLEROYS

685
00:23:44,727 --> 00:23:45,989
AND THE SHIT-EATING
GRANNIES.

686
00:23:46,033 --> 00:23:48,122
PRESUMING I LIKE YOU AS
MUCH AS I THINK I WILL,

687
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:49,428
LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

688
00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:53,344
ARE YOU MARRIED TO THE
NAME 'THE ARISTOCRATS'?"

689
00:23:53,388 --> 00:23:55,651
THERE'S A SLIGHTLY
MORE WRITER-LY
VERSION OF THE JOKE.

690
00:23:55,695 --> 00:24:00,308
A MANAGER IS TRYING
TO SELL PERFORMERS
TO A CLUB OWNER,

691
00:24:00,351 --> 00:24:03,354
AND THE CLUB OWNER
GOES, "OKAY, YEAH.
WHAT'S YOUR ACT DO?"

692
00:24:03,398 --> 00:24:05,835
"THERE'S A GIRL COMES OUT
AND SHE SUCKS OFF A DONKEY,

693
00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,750
AND THE GUY COMES OUT,
PISSES ON THE GIRL,

694
00:24:07,794 --> 00:24:09,535
THEN HE PISSES
ON THE DONKEY."

695
00:24:09,578 --> 00:24:12,015
HE SAYS, "LISTEN, WE... WE
HAVE A CLASSY JOINT HERE.

696
00:24:12,059 --> 00:24:13,582
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S
THE KIND OF ACT..."

697
00:24:13,626 --> 00:24:15,497
"WELL, WAIT!
YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

698
00:24:15,541 --> 00:24:17,586
THE MANAGER HAD TO COME
UP QUICKLY WITH A NAME

699
00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:19,936
TO TRY AND SELL THE
GROUP, SO THERE'S
MOTIVATION THERE.

700
00:24:19,980 --> 00:24:22,330
AND IT'S A
FEEL-GOOD ENDING.
[ Chuckling ]

701
00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:24,158
GETS YOU HERE AND
GETS YOU HERE. YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

702
00:24:24,201 --> 00:24:26,247
I LIKE TO THINK
THE MANAGER'S LYING,

703
00:24:26,290 --> 00:24:27,944
THAT THEY DON'T
DO ALL THAT STUFF.

704
00:24:27,988 --> 00:24:29,555
THEY SING AND
THEY'RE FUNNY,

705
00:24:29,598 --> 00:24:31,905
BUT HE NOW HAS TO
BACK AND SAY, "LISTEN,
I'VE SOLD YOU.

706
00:24:31,948 --> 00:24:34,690
BUT THERE'S THIS
OTHER THING YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO DO.

707
00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:36,562
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO SHAG A DONKEY

708
00:24:36,605 --> 00:24:38,302
AND SHIT IN A..."
"WHAT?"

709
00:24:38,346 --> 00:24:40,043
"WITH THE GUY'S SAXOPHONE."
"THE F...

710
00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:42,393
THE FUCKING WHAT? WHAT
WAS THAT DONKEY SHIT?"

711
00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:45,179
AND OF COURSE, EVERYBODY'S
STYLE IN TELLING THE JOKE.

712
00:24:45,222 --> 00:24:47,398
SO THE WILLIAM MORRIS
OFFICE WANTS TO WORK
WITH THIS ACT.

713
00:24:47,442 --> 00:24:49,313
IT'S A... IT'S
A FAMILY ACT.

714
00:24:49,357 --> 00:24:50,663
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'D GO WITH THE
SMOTHERS BROTHERS.

715
00:24:50,706 --> 00:24:51,620
A FAMILY OPENING
ACT. WHAT DO

716
00:24:51,664 --> 00:24:52,969
THEY DO?
YEAH.

717
00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:55,581
THEY... THEY DO
SOME JUGGLING.
[ Stammering ]

718
00:24:55,624 --> 00:24:56,843
IT'S A
JUGGLING ACT?
JUGGLING THING.

719
00:24:56,886 --> 00:24:59,541
AND THEN THE
FATHER DROPS
ONE OF THE CLUBS

720
00:24:59,585 --> 00:25:01,978
AND ASKS HIS
SON TO PICK IT
UP, SO HIS...

721
00:25:02,022 --> 00:25:04,894
DAD JUST KNEES
HIM RIGHT
IN THE BALLS.

722
00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:06,287
YOU'RE PUTTING ME
ON, AREN'T YOU?
NO, NO, NO.

723
00:25:06,330 --> 00:25:08,637
THEN... THE
MOTHER DOES A
TOPLESS THING

724
00:25:08,681 --> 00:25:09,943
AND, UH...
OH, GET OUT
OF HERE.

725
00:25:09,986 --> 00:25:12,075
GOES DOWN ON
THE FATHER.
NO.

726
00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:13,773
THE KIDS COME
OUT NAKED...

727
00:25:13,816 --> 00:25:14,861
NAKED CHILDREN?

728
00:25:14,904 --> 00:25:16,340
AND THEN THEY
DO A SE...

729
00:25:16,384 --> 00:25:18,560
THEY DO A SEX
ACT AND THEN
THEY THROW UP.

730
00:25:18,604 --> 00:25:19,561
THEY THROW UP?

731
00:25:21,737 --> 00:25:22,695
WHERE... WHERE
HAVE THEY WORKED?

732
00:25:22,738 --> 00:25:24,174
THEY WORKED ALL
THE BEST PLACES.

733
00:25:24,218 --> 00:25:25,480
ALL THE
BEST PLACES?

734
00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:26,786
DO YOU WANT TO...
DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW...

735
00:25:26,829 --> 00:25:28,309
DO YOU WANT TO
KNOW WHAT THEY'RE...
THE NA...

736
00:25:28,352 --> 00:25:30,311
WANT TO KNOW...
UH, NOT
NECESSARILY.

737
00:25:30,354 --> 00:25:31,486
NO, I MEAN...
WELL, ASK ME.

738
00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:32,531
IT'S KIND
OF IMPORTANT.
THIS IS...

739
00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:33,575
OKAY, WHAT IS
THEIR NAME?

740
00:25:34,663 --> 00:25:36,360
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

741
00:25:37,448 --> 00:25:38,841
THE WHAT?

742
00:25:38,885 --> 00:25:41,104
"THE 'RISTOCRATS"?
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

743
00:25:41,148 --> 00:25:42,192
BUT YOU DIDN'T THINK
THAT WAS FUNNY?

744
00:25:42,236 --> 00:25:44,107
NO.
HUH.

745
00:25:44,151 --> 00:25:45,108
IT'S A CLASSIC.

746
00:25:45,152 --> 00:25:46,501
WHAT MAKES
THAT A CLASSIC?

747
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,547
CLASSIC WITHSTANDS
THE TEST OF TIME,

748
00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:50,636
AND "THE ARISTOCRATS"
IS ONE OF THOSE
CLASSIC JOKES

749
00:25:50,679 --> 00:25:54,074
THAT HAS GONE
THROUGH 50,
60, 70 YEARS

750
00:25:54,117 --> 00:25:55,031
OF BEING TOLD...
SO NO MATTER

751
00:25:55,075 --> 00:25:56,511
HOW MANY TIMES
I HEAR IT,

752
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:57,512
I'LL STILL... I'LL
THINK IT'S FUNNY?
WHENEVER...

753
00:25:57,556 --> 00:25:58,992
WHENEVER YOU SAY
"ARISTOCRATS",

754
00:25:59,035 --> 00:26:01,385
THE AUDIENCE
FALLS DOWN.
I DIDN'T.

755
00:26:01,429 --> 00:26:02,604
WELL, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE A STRAIGHT MAN.

756
00:26:02,648 --> 00:26:04,345
YOU'RE NOT...
YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO.

757
00:26:04,388 --> 00:26:08,001
"THE ARISTOCRATS" IS
SO MUCH ABOUT THE...

758
00:26:08,044 --> 00:26:10,177
KIND OF SIGNATURE THAT
A... COMEDIAN PUTS ON IT.

759
00:26:10,220 --> 00:26:13,180
THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
YOU MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

760
00:26:13,223 --> 00:26:16,270
YEAH, IN THE AMISH
VERSION, THE FATHER
FLICKS ON A LIGHT,

761
00:26:16,313 --> 00:26:18,925
THE MOTHER'S USING
A RADIO REMOTE,
WATCHING TELEVISION.

762
00:26:18,968 --> 00:26:21,275
HE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU
CALL YOURSELVES?"

763
00:26:21,318 --> 00:26:23,494
"'TIS WELL WE CALL OURSELVES
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

764
00:26:23,538 --> 00:26:26,497
IT'S THE LAST
THING IN THE...
[ Laughing ]

765
00:26:26,541 --> 00:26:28,587
FIRST, I COME OUT
ON STAGE. YOU KNOW,
AND I AM PREGNANT.

766
00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:30,066
A FRIEND OF MINE COMES OUT

767
00:26:30,110 --> 00:26:32,982
AND HE STARTS FUCKING
ME UP THE ASS.

768
00:26:33,026 --> 00:26:35,637
THE BABY STARTS
SUCKING THE PENIS

769
00:26:35,681 --> 00:26:37,944
OF THE GUY WHO'S
FUCKING ME UP THE ASS.

770
00:26:37,987 --> 00:26:39,946
I START GETTING CONTRACTIONS
AND GIVING BIRTH.

771
00:26:39,989 --> 00:26:41,861
THE BABY STARTS COMING OUT

772
00:26:41,904 --> 00:26:43,602
AND CUM STARTS COMING
OUT OF THE BABY'S MOUTH.

773
00:26:43,645 --> 00:26:45,299
I MEAN COME ON, BIRTH.

774
00:26:45,342 --> 00:26:47,040
WHAT IS MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN BIRTH?

775
00:26:47,083 --> 00:26:50,043
THIS WOMAN COMES INTO
HIS OFFICE AND SHE
WANTS REPRESENTATION.

776
00:26:50,086 --> 00:26:52,045
SHE SAYS, "I'M
THE CENTREPIECE.

777
00:26:52,088 --> 00:26:55,265
MY HUSBAND COMES OUT,
HE BENDS DOWN, HE
GOES DOWN ON ME.

778
00:26:55,309 --> 00:26:57,311
WE USED TO HAVE GRANDMA
BLOWING GRANDPA

779
00:26:57,354 --> 00:26:59,182
WHILE SHE HAD A
KAZOO OUT OF HER ASS

780
00:26:59,226 --> 00:27:00,575
PLAYING "BEGIN THE BEGUINE",

781
00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:02,185
BUT SHE CLAIMS
THAT THESE DAYS

782
00:27:02,229 --> 00:27:04,318
SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE
WIND FOR IT ANY MORE.

783
00:27:04,361 --> 00:27:05,928
PERSONALLY, I THINK SHE'S
TIRED OF BLOWING THE GUY.

784
00:27:05,972 --> 00:27:08,539
AFTER 54 YEARS, IT GETS
A LITTLE TIRESOME.

785
00:27:08,583 --> 00:27:10,237
THE COMEDIANS HAVE DONE IT
AND THE WAY THEY TELL IT...

786
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,934
BUT THEN AS YOU'RE
LISTENING TO IT,

787
00:27:11,978 --> 00:27:15,024
ALL OF YOUR OWN
PERSONAL ORIENTATIONS
YOU BRING TO THIS JOKE,

788
00:27:15,068 --> 00:27:17,244
AND IT... SO IT'S FUNNY
FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

789
00:27:17,287 --> 00:27:19,638
SURE I COULD'VE TOLD IT
SOME OTHER WAY, SOME...

790
00:27:19,681 --> 00:27:22,815
SOME SCATOLOGICAL
BULLSHIT THAT
THESE BOYS LOVE.

791
00:27:22,858 --> 00:27:25,078
NO, I NEEDED THE
WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW.

792
00:27:25,121 --> 00:27:26,819
AND YOU NOTICED,
THE FIRST SEX ACT

793
00:27:26,862 --> 00:27:28,864
WAS THE HUSBAND GOING
DOWN ON THE WOMAN.

794
00:27:28,908 --> 00:27:30,823
THE MAN WOULD IMMEDIATELY
HAD A BLOW JOB IN THERE.

795
00:27:30,866 --> 00:27:33,652
GRANDMA, BY THE WAY, IS
A TALENT, A GIFT BEYOND.

796
00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:35,915
IF SHE WAS BORN
IN ANOTHER ERA,

797
00:27:35,958 --> 00:27:37,830
SHE COULD'VE BEEN...

798
00:27:37,873 --> 00:27:40,702
LIZA MINNELLI.
THAT... THAT TALENTED.

799
00:27:40,746 --> 00:27:42,748
BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN
THE WRONG TIME AND PLACE,

800
00:27:42,791 --> 00:27:46,186
SHE ENDED UP PLAYING
"BEGIN THE BEGUINE"
OUT OF HER ASSHOLE.

801
00:27:46,229 --> 00:27:48,492
THERE ARE DIFFERENT RULES
FOR WOMEN, DIFFERENT RULES.

802
00:27:48,536 --> 00:27:49,798
MEN, THEY CAN GET...

803
00:27:49,842 --> 00:27:52,279
MEN ARE EXPECTED
TO TALK DIRTY,

804
00:27:52,322 --> 00:27:54,629
AND WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE LADYLIKE.

805
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,283
YOU KNOW, THEY WON'T
TAKE IT FROM PHYLLIS

806
00:27:56,326 --> 00:27:58,720
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT
PHYLLIS' DEMEANOUR.

807
00:27:58,764 --> 00:28:00,026
THEY'LL DEFINITELY
TAKE IT FROM ME

808
00:28:00,069 --> 00:28:02,593
BECAUSE IF I DON'T SAY
"COCK", THEY'RE PISSED.

809
00:28:02,637 --> 00:28:04,726
MALES HAVE A CRUDER
SENSE OF HUMOUR.

810
00:28:04,770 --> 00:28:08,730
A FEMALE WOULDN'T EVER
REALLY CREATE THAT JOKE.

811
00:28:08,774 --> 00:28:10,776
I'M SICK OF WOMEN GOING,
"IT'S A GUY THING."

812
00:28:10,819 --> 00:28:14,040
IT'S A JOKE. FUNNY...
IF FUNNY IS A GUY THING,

813
00:28:14,083 --> 00:28:16,433
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL STRAP IT ON.

814
00:28:16,477 --> 00:28:18,740
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I
GO... AND I DO STUFF,

815
00:28:18,784 --> 00:28:20,829
AND PEOPLE SAY, "WHAT,
YOU DIDN'T CURSE?"

816
00:28:20,873 --> 00:28:22,744
YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING
NOT TO DO THAT.

817
00:28:22,788 --> 00:28:24,615
YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING
TO BE GENTILE AND SHIT.

818
00:28:24,659 --> 00:28:26,182
BUT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

819
00:28:26,226 --> 00:28:28,489
SO WHEN I WOULD TELL
A JOKE LIKE THIS,

820
00:28:28,532 --> 00:28:31,448
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE ALL
ABOUT DRIPPING PENISES,

821
00:28:31,492 --> 00:28:34,364
AND THEY'D BE PULLING
THE FORESKINS BACK

822
00:28:34,408 --> 00:28:37,585
AND MAKING HELMETS
OUT OF THEM. YOU KNOW,
IT'D BE A WHOLE THING.

823
00:28:37,628 --> 00:28:38,629
Man:
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

824
00:28:38,673 --> 00:28:39,979
DO YOUR VERSION?
[ Laughing ]

825
00:28:40,022 --> 00:28:42,808
WELL, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY
GOT VERSIONS LIKE THAT.

826
00:28:42,851 --> 00:28:45,071
OH, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE
A VERSION LIKE THAT.
OH, I BET YOU DO,

827
00:28:45,114 --> 00:28:46,637
I BET YOU DO.
I KNOW YOU DO.

828
00:28:46,681 --> 00:28:48,814
THE FOUR GUYS WALK
IN AND THEY SAY,
"LET'S SEE THE ACT."

829
00:28:48,857 --> 00:28:50,598
AND FOUR GUYS TAKE
THEIR PANTS DOWN

830
00:28:50,641 --> 00:28:52,034
AND THEY TAKE
THEIR GIANT PENISES

831
00:28:52,078 --> 00:28:53,949
AND THEY TAKE THE FORESKIN,
THEY GO LIKE THIS...

832
00:28:53,993 --> 00:28:57,126
AND THEY PULL UP
THE PENISES LIKE THIS
AND THEY GO, "WHOA!"

833
00:28:57,170 --> 00:28:59,259
AND THEY PULL IT DOWN
OVER THEMSELVES AND
THEY START TO SING...

834
00:28:59,302 --> 00:29:01,304
[ Muffled singing ]

835
00:29:04,133 --> 00:29:05,656
♪ I'D GIVE THE WORLD TO...

836
00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:08,442
[ Muffled singing ]

837
00:29:08,485 --> 00:29:09,617
♪ D-I-X-I-E...

838
00:29:11,488 --> 00:29:13,142
THAT'S THE KIND OF JOKE
I WOULD FUCKING TELL.

839
00:29:13,186 --> 00:29:14,622
Man:
[ Chuckling ]

840
00:29:14,665 --> 00:29:16,406
LIKE, HOW COULD YOU
CLEAN THAT JOKE UP?

841
00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:19,148
I GUESS YOU COULD
CLEAN IT UP BY SAYING,
"THEY'RE MAKING LOVE".

842
00:29:19,192 --> 00:29:21,455
BUT STILL, THEY'RE ALREADY
BROTHERS AND SISTERS,
SO IT'S ALREADY INCEST.

843
00:29:21,498 --> 00:29:23,283
YOU'RE... YOU'RE
ALREADY IN A BIG HOLE.

844
00:29:23,326 --> 00:29:27,243
WELL, ACTUALLY, WHEN
THE CURTAIN RISES,

845
00:29:27,287 --> 00:29:31,334
THERE WE ARE STAGE: ME,
MY TWO DAUGHTERS, MY WIFE,

846
00:29:31,378 --> 00:29:35,034
AND A GORILLA NAMED DAISY
FROM THE BELGIAN CONGO.

847
00:29:35,077 --> 00:29:37,514
MY DAUGHTER PULLS
MY INDEX FINGER,

848
00:29:37,558 --> 00:29:41,431
AT WHICH POINT I LET
OUT A THUNDEROUS FART.

849
00:29:41,475 --> 00:29:45,131
MY WIFE DOES A VERY
SEXY STRIPTEASE
DANCE ON A TOM-TOM.

850
00:29:45,174 --> 00:29:48,743
FOLLOWING THAT, I HAVE
A VIOLENT LOVE AFFAIR

851
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,877
WITH THE GORILLA, DAISY,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

852
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,662
BUT HAVE NO FEAR, IF
THERE ARE ANY CHILDREN,

853
00:29:54,705 --> 00:29:56,707
THEY'LL BE BROUGHT UP
AS CATHOLICS, YOU SEE.

854
00:29:56,751 --> 00:29:57,883
HE WAS IN PURPLE,

855
00:29:57,926 --> 00:29:59,623
SHE WAS IN... HELIOTROPE,

856
00:29:59,667 --> 00:30:02,409
AND THEY WOULD COME IN.
THEY HAD TWO BLACK SATCHELS.

857
00:30:02,452 --> 00:30:04,759
AND THEY SAID, "WE WORK
IN ONE. IT'S AN OLIO.

858
00:30:04,803 --> 00:30:06,979
AND THE BAND WOULD GO...
[ Humming ]

859
00:30:12,549 --> 00:30:14,116
AND HE OPENS UP
THE BLACK CASE,

860
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,336
AND THERE'S A
SILVER HAMMER.

861
00:30:16,379 --> 00:30:18,468
AND...
[ Humming ]

862
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,428
HIS WIFE PULLS
OUT THE CHAIR

863
00:30:21,471 --> 00:30:23,386
AND HE SITS DOWN
UPON THE CHAIR.

864
00:30:23,430 --> 00:30:25,606
[ Humming ]

865
00:30:25,649 --> 00:30:27,869
HIS WIFE TAKES THE HAMMER,

866
00:30:27,913 --> 00:30:30,611
AND WITH A GREAT,
SWIFT MOVEMENT,

867
00:30:30,654 --> 00:30:33,657
BANG! HITS HER HUSBAND
RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD,

868
00:30:33,701 --> 00:30:36,269
AND HE GOES ASS OVER
TEAKETTLE BACK DOWN,

869
00:30:36,312 --> 00:30:38,227
OVER THE COUCH,
OVER THE AGENTS,

870
00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,055
BACK IN, PULLS
THE DRAPES DOWN...

871
00:30:41,404 --> 00:30:43,145
THE AGENT SAYS, "MY GOD,

872
00:30:43,189 --> 00:30:45,931
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!"

873
00:30:45,974 --> 00:30:47,193
"WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

874
00:30:47,236 --> 00:30:49,412
AND HE PICKS UP THE
HAMMER, PUTS IT AWAY.

875
00:30:49,456 --> 00:30:52,241
AND HE PICKS UP THAT
CASE, AND HE PICKS
UP THE OTHER ONE,

876
00:30:52,285 --> 00:30:54,983
AND THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE,
AND HE SAYS, "EXCUSE ME.

877
00:30:55,027 --> 00:30:56,942
JUST FOR CURIOSITY,

878
00:30:56,985 --> 00:30:58,769
WHAT'S IN THE OTHER CASE?"

879
00:30:58,813 --> 00:30:59,901
AND HE SAYS,

880
00:30:59,945 --> 00:31:02,556
"TYLENOL."
[ Laughter ]

881
00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:06,908
"AND WHAT'S THE
NAME OF YOUR ACT?"

882
00:31:06,952 --> 00:31:09,258
"WE CALL OURSELVES
'THE SOPHISTICATES'."

883
00:31:09,302 --> 00:31:12,218
[ Humming ]

884
00:31:12,261 --> 00:31:14,220
[ Hysterical laughter ]

885
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:17,266
THAT'S HOW I HEARD IT.

886
00:31:17,310 --> 00:31:19,703
THEY ARE MY GENERATION
OF ENTERTAINER.

887
00:31:19,747 --> 00:31:21,705
I MEAN, WE WERE ALL
TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME.

888
00:31:21,749 --> 00:31:24,621
YOU HAD TO WORK CLEAN
BECAUSE THERE WERE
SIGNS BACKSTAGE:

889
00:31:24,665 --> 00:31:27,102
"NO DIRTY MATERIAL.
NOTHING BLUE."

890
00:31:27,146 --> 00:31:29,278
YOU GOT VAUDEVILLE AND
THE CHITLIN CIRCUIT
AT THE SAME TIME.

891
00:31:29,322 --> 00:31:31,106
A BLACK COMIC COULD
ALWAYS BE DIRTY.

892
00:31:31,150 --> 00:31:33,413
YOU COULDN'T GET ON TV
ANYTIME, SO YOU WEREN'T
REALLY WORRIED

893
00:31:33,456 --> 00:31:35,241
ABOUT WHO YOU
OFFENDED OR ANYTHING.

894
00:31:35,284 --> 00:31:36,938
THEY COULD BE DIRTY
ON STAGE, IT DIDN'T
EVEN MATTER.

895
00:31:36,982 --> 00:31:39,941
SO A JOKE WHERE PART
OF THE FUN IS THAT
YOU'RE DIRTY IS...

896
00:31:39,985 --> 00:31:41,682
THEY CAN TELL IT
ANYTIME THEY WANT.

897
00:31:41,725 --> 00:31:44,119
COCKS AND
CUNTS, THAT'S
WHERE IT'S AT.

898
00:31:44,163 --> 00:31:46,165
SEINFELD NEVER
CURSED, I'M ALWAYS
TELLING YOU THAT.

899
00:31:46,208 --> 00:31:47,296
BE LIKE SEINFELD.

900
00:31:47,340 --> 00:31:48,776
ALL RIGHT. DID
YOU EVER NOTICE

901
00:31:48,819 --> 00:31:50,821
WHEN YOU KICK
YOUR GIRLFRIEND
IN THE CUNT

902
00:31:50,865 --> 00:31:53,128
SHE CALLS
THE COPS ON YA?
[ Cough ]

903
00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:55,478
IN ALL OF ART,

904
00:31:55,522 --> 00:31:56,958
IT'S THE SINGER,
NOT THE SONG.

905
00:31:57,002 --> 00:31:59,656
YOU SEE THAT WHEN YOU
HEAR JAZZ MUSICIANS

906
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,441
WHO PLAY THE SAME SONG
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

907
00:32:01,484 --> 00:32:03,356
YOU HEAR ONE NOTE
OF COLTRANE,

908
00:32:03,399 --> 00:32:04,966
YOU KNOW
IT'S COLTRANE.

909
00:32:05,010 --> 00:32:08,927
BUT I NEVER
UNDERSTOOD IT AS
SO CLEAR IN COMEDY.

910
00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:10,406
WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE
TELL "THE ARISTOCRATS",

911
00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:12,321
VERY CLEARLY,
IT'S THE SINGER,
NOT THE SONG.

912
00:32:12,365 --> 00:32:13,627
OKAY, HERE'S THE JOKE:

913
00:32:13,670 --> 00:32:16,064
A GUY GOES INTO A TALENT
AGENT AND HE SAYS,

914
00:32:16,108 --> 00:32:18,240
"I JUST SAW THE
MOST AMAZING ACT.

915
00:32:18,284 --> 00:32:20,721
YOU SHOULD HIRE THIS ACT,
IT'S INCREDIBLE!"

916
00:32:20,764 --> 00:32:22,679
AND THE AGENT
SAYS, "WELL, TELL
ME WHAT HAPPENS."

917
00:32:22,723 --> 00:32:26,031
HE SAYS, "WELL Y...
THERE'S A FAMILY
OUT ON A STAGE;

918
00:32:26,074 --> 00:32:27,946
THERE'S A HUSBAND
AND A WIFE,

919
00:32:27,989 --> 00:32:31,427
AND THREE LITTLE GIRLS,
LIKE, 12, 8 AND 4.

920
00:32:31,471 --> 00:32:33,864
AND THEY'RE JUST
SITTING THERE, AND
THEY'RE ALL READING,

921
00:32:33,908 --> 00:32:35,997
AND THERE'S A LITTLE
CERAMIC BALLERINA

922
00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:38,652
GOING AROUND PLAYING
MOZART MUSIC.

923
00:32:38,695 --> 00:32:41,394
AND IT'S VERY CALM AND
THE LIGHTING IS BEAUTIFUL.

924
00:32:41,437 --> 00:32:43,657
AND THEN THE FATHER
GETS UP AND HE WALKS
OFF THE STAGE,

925
00:32:43,700 --> 00:32:45,702
AND HE COMES
BACK WITH FLOWERS

926
00:32:45,746 --> 00:32:47,052
AND HE GIVES
ONE TO THE WIFE

927
00:32:47,095 --> 00:32:48,662
AND ONE TO EACH
OF THE DAUGHTERS.

928
00:32:48,705 --> 00:32:50,316
AND THEY... "OH,
DADDY, WE LOVE YOU."

929
00:32:50,359 --> 00:32:52,187
"YOU'RE MY
PRECIOUS ANGELS."

930
00:32:52,231 --> 00:32:54,494
AND EVERYTHING IS
SO NICE AND SMILEY.

931
00:32:54,537 --> 00:32:57,671
THEN THE FATHER GETS
UP AND HE LEAVES AGAIN
AND HE COMES BACK,

932
00:32:57,714 --> 00:33:00,848
AND HE'S GOT A BIG
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY
AND A BASEBALL BAT.

933
00:33:00,891 --> 00:33:02,415
AND HE STARTS DRINKING
THE WHISKEY

934
00:33:02,458 --> 00:33:05,070
AND HE GOES OVER THE WIFE
AND HE STARTS SMASHING HER

935
00:33:05,113 --> 00:33:07,855
ON THE SHOULDERS AND
THE LEGS, AND HE'S
BANGING HER LEGS

936
00:33:07,898 --> 00:33:09,596
AND THERE'S BLOOD
GUSHING ANY... EVERYWHERE,

937
00:33:09,639 --> 00:33:11,163
AND THE DAUGHTERS
ARE SCREAMING,

938
00:33:11,206 --> 00:33:12,903
AND HE CHASES THE
DAUGHTERS AROUND,

939
00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:14,688
AND HE SMASHES THEM ON
THE BACK OF THE LEGS,

940
00:33:14,731 --> 00:33:17,386
AND THERE'S SCREAMING
AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

941
00:33:17,430 --> 00:33:19,562
AND THE GUY SAID,
"THAT'S HORRIBLE!"

942
00:33:19,606 --> 00:33:21,390
THE AGENT SAID,
"THAT'S... HORRIBLE,

943
00:33:21,434 --> 00:33:22,913
MOST HORRIBLE THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.

944
00:33:22,957 --> 00:33:24,611
WHAT COULD THIS
THING BE CALLED?

945
00:33:24,654 --> 00:33:26,613
WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS IT?"

946
00:33:26,656 --> 00:33:28,615
AND THE GUY SAID, "IT'S
CALLED 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

947
00:33:31,313 --> 00:33:33,402
AND THEN THEY JUST
BLANKLY LOOKED AT EACH
OTHER FOR A WHILE

948
00:33:33,446 --> 00:33:35,796
AND THEN THE AGENT SAID,

949
00:33:35,839 --> 00:33:37,711
"I-I'D LIKE TO SEE
THAT, ACTUALLY."

950
00:33:41,715 --> 00:33:44,196
IT'S THIS FAMILY,
THE KAVANAW'S:
ANNE AND WILLIAM.

951
00:33:44,239 --> 00:33:46,328
THEY'RE EATING DINNER
AND THEY JUST FINISH,

952
00:33:46,372 --> 00:33:49,114
AND THEIR MAID COMES IN
AND SHE CLEARS THE PLATES.

953
00:33:49,157 --> 00:33:52,204
AND THEY HAVE TWO CHILDREN:
BETSY AND TIMMY.

954
00:33:52,247 --> 00:33:55,207
AND ANNE SUGGESTS
THAT THEY ALL GO
INTO THE DRAWING ROOM

955
00:33:55,250 --> 00:33:59,385
WHERE ANNE THEN
BRAIDS BETSY'S
BEAUTIFUL BLOND HAIR.

956
00:33:59,428 --> 00:34:02,083
THE HUSBAND, HE PLAYS
CHESS WITH TIMMY.

957
00:34:02,127 --> 00:34:03,693
AND THEN THE MAID COMES IN

958
00:34:03,737 --> 00:34:05,434
WITH STRAWBERRIES
AND WHIPPED CREAM,

959
00:34:05,478 --> 00:34:08,220
AND THEY ALL EAT
A NICE DESSERT.

960
00:34:08,263 --> 00:34:11,049
AND THAT'S THE ACT.

961
00:34:11,092 --> 00:34:12,920
Interviewer:
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL
AN ACT LIKE THAT?

962
00:34:12,963 --> 00:34:14,922
"THE COCKSUCKING
MOTHERFUCKERS".

963
00:34:14,965 --> 00:34:16,532
[ Laughing ]

964
00:34:19,100 --> 00:34:21,146
THERE'S ANOTHER WHICH
USES THE SAME WORD,

965
00:34:21,189 --> 00:34:24,192
"ARISTOCRATS", SO MAYBE
WE CAN GO THERE INSTEAD.

966
00:34:24,236 --> 00:34:25,846
THERE WERE THREE
MISSIONARIES:

967
00:34:25,889 --> 00:34:28,544
A CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST,
AND A JEW,

968
00:34:28,588 --> 00:34:30,677
WHO WERE OUT IN THE
MIDDLE OF AFRICA

969
00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:33,375
AND THEY WERE CAUGHT
BY HEADHUNTERS.

970
00:34:33,419 --> 00:34:36,465
THE CHIEF CAME UP
AND SAID, "GOOD
AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

971
00:34:36,509 --> 00:34:38,946
YOU HAVE YOUR
OPTIONS: DEATH,

972
00:34:38,989 --> 00:34:41,601
OR YOU CAN MEET
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

973
00:34:42,993 --> 00:34:44,778
THE FIRST IS
THE JEWISH RABBI.

974
00:34:44,821 --> 00:34:46,127
AND THEY SAY, "HAVE
YOU MADE UP YOUR MIND?"

975
00:34:46,171 --> 00:34:47,215
HE SAYS, "OH, ABSOLUTELY.

976
00:34:47,259 --> 00:34:48,651
PERHAPS THERE'S
AN AFTERLIFE,

977
00:34:48,695 --> 00:34:50,697
I'M NOT REALLY
SURE ABOUT THAT.

978
00:34:50,740 --> 00:34:52,742
WE CERTAINLY VALUE
THE LIFE ON EARTH.

979
00:34:52,786 --> 00:34:56,572
I HAVE DECIDED I
WILL GO WITH MEETING
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

980
00:34:56,616 --> 00:34:58,922
OUT COME ABOUT 14 MEN

981
00:34:58,966 --> 00:35:02,187
WEARING JUST THE SKIMPIEST
LITTLE LOINCLOTHS

982
00:35:02,230 --> 00:35:05,494
AND THEY REAM HIM
IN EVERY ORIFICE.

983
00:35:05,538 --> 00:35:08,062
THEY THROW HIS BODY UP,
THEY THROW HIS BODY DOWN.

984
00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:11,370
HE IS COMPLETELY
COVERED WITH ABORIGINES'
SPERMATOZOA.

985
00:35:11,413 --> 00:35:14,460
AND THEY LEAVE HIM
BASICALLY AS A FLOPPY
LITTLE RAG DOLL,

986
00:35:14,503 --> 00:35:17,158
OVER IN THE BUSHES.

987
00:35:17,202 --> 00:35:19,943
GOES UP TO THE CATHOLIC
PRIEST, HE SAID,
"HOW ABOUT YOU?"

988
00:35:19,987 --> 00:35:22,468
"STILL... STILL
SAME DEAL?" AND
HE SAID, "YEAH.

989
00:35:22,511 --> 00:35:24,034
YOU CAN EITHER DIE,

990
00:35:24,078 --> 00:35:26,515
OR DEAL WITH
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

991
00:35:26,559 --> 00:35:28,648
HE SAYS, "HORRIBLE
AS THAT IS,

992
00:35:28,691 --> 00:35:31,955
I AM NO STRANGER TO
CERTAIN ASPECTS OF IT.

993
00:35:31,999 --> 00:35:34,567
I DO SEE THAT THE MAN OVER
THERE IS STILL BREATHING,

994
00:35:34,610 --> 00:35:36,134
WHICH MEANS I
WOULD STAY ALIVE

995
00:35:36,177 --> 00:35:37,744
TO BE ABLE TO HELP
MY PARISHIONERS.

996
00:35:37,787 --> 00:35:40,790
I WILL TAKE THE... I
GUESS, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

997
00:35:40,834 --> 00:35:42,488
AND IT'S SAME SONG,
SECOND VERSE.

998
00:35:42,531 --> 00:35:44,620
THEY HAVE HIM
IN SO MANY WAYS

999
00:35:44,664 --> 00:35:45,969
THAT HE HAS NEVER
EVEN DREAMT OF.

1000
00:35:46,013 --> 00:35:48,929
HE IS LYING, PANTING
BARELY AUDIBLE BREATHS

1001
00:35:48,972 --> 00:35:51,758
LYING IN THE UNDERBRUSH.
THE BUDDHIST SAYS,

1002
00:35:51,801 --> 00:35:55,153
"I BELIEVE THAT
WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR
A SHORT TIME ANYWAY.

1003
00:35:55,196 --> 00:35:56,893
I WILL TAKE DEATH."

1004
00:35:56,937 --> 00:36:00,245
AND THE CHIEF SAYS,
"OKAY, FINE, DEATH IT IS.

1005
00:36:00,288 --> 00:36:01,942
BUT FIRST,
'THE ARISTOCRATS'!"

1006
00:36:01,985 --> 00:36:03,770
[ Laughter ]

1007
00:36:07,991 --> 00:36:10,385
SO THAT'LL BE MY
"ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

1008
00:36:10,429 --> 00:36:12,082
'CAUSE YOU GOT
75 PEOPLE TELLING
THE FUCKING THING.

1009
00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:13,649
[ Laughter ]

1010
00:36:13,693 --> 00:36:15,303
THIS JOKE IS ONE
OF THOSE SONGS,

1011
00:36:15,347 --> 00:36:17,610
I GUESS, LIKE,
"MR. TAMBOURINE MAN".

1012
00:36:17,653 --> 00:36:19,002
YOU COULD SING IT
LIKE BOB DYLAN,

1013
00:36:19,046 --> 00:36:20,569
OR YOU COULD SING
IT LIKE "THE BYRDS",

1014
00:36:20,613 --> 00:36:22,832
OR YOU COULD
SING IT ROUGH, OR
YOU CAN MAKE IT SWEET.

1015
00:36:22,876 --> 00:36:24,791
THERE'S NOT THAT
MANY JOKES LIKE THIS.

1016
00:36:24,834 --> 00:36:26,227
WE WERE
INFLUENCED

1017
00:36:26,271 --> 00:36:27,228
BY ONE OF
THE GREATEST

1018
00:36:27,272 --> 00:36:28,403
JUGGLING ACTS
OF ALL TIME.

1019
00:36:28,447 --> 00:36:29,709
THEY'D BE
COMPLETELY NAKED.

1020
00:36:29,752 --> 00:36:31,580
NOW AT THIS POINT,

1021
00:36:31,624 --> 00:36:33,408
HE WOULD ACTUALLY
PENETRATE THE
OTHER GUY.

1022
00:36:33,452 --> 00:36:34,627
RIGHT.
THE... TOP GUY

1023
00:36:34,670 --> 00:36:35,889
WOULD ACTUALLY
DEFECATE

1024
00:36:35,932 --> 00:36:37,456
ON THE
BOTTOM GUY.

1025
00:36:37,499 --> 00:36:38,935
THEY WOULD
ACTUALLY JUGGLE

1026
00:36:38,979 --> 00:36:42,112
SIX SEVERED FLAMING
ELEPHANT PENISES.

1027
00:36:42,156 --> 00:36:43,636
YEAH.
THEY WERE CALLED

1028
00:36:43,679 --> 00:36:45,420
"THE INCREDIBLE
TOWERING,

1029
00:36:45,464 --> 00:36:49,207
FLAMING, NAKED,
ELEPHANT PENIS
JUGGLING BROTHERS."

1030
00:36:49,250 --> 00:36:50,251
THEY CHANGED
IT TO, UH...

1031
00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:51,513
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

1032
00:36:51,557 --> 00:36:53,646
YOU CAN MAKE
THE JOKE FUNNY

1033
00:36:53,689 --> 00:36:55,256
AND STILL KEEP IT
IN YOUR PERSONALITY.

1034
00:36:55,300 --> 00:36:57,911
SO I SAW CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
TELL THAT STORY, I THINK...

1035
00:36:57,954 --> 00:37:00,087
I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS
JAMES LIPTON'S...

1036
00:37:00,130 --> 00:37:02,089
COCKSUCKING EXTRAVAGANZA.

1037
00:37:02,132 --> 00:37:04,744
[ Laughter ]

1038
00:37:04,787 --> 00:37:08,922
HE LAID CLAIM TO THE STORY
ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

1039
00:37:08,965 --> 00:37:10,228
[ Imitating Christopher Walken ]
"THIS HAPPENED.

1040
00:37:10,271 --> 00:37:12,665
MY UNCLE WAS
A TALENT AGENT,

1041
00:37:12,708 --> 00:37:16,059
SORT OF A
BROADWAY DANNY ROSE
SORT OF GUY.

1042
00:37:16,103 --> 00:37:19,280
MAN COMES IN,
SAYS TO MY UNCLE,

1043
00:37:19,324 --> 00:37:21,064
"I THINK I MIGHT
HAVE THE ACT

1044
00:37:21,108 --> 00:37:22,631
THAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

1045
00:37:22,675 --> 00:37:25,155
IT INVOLVES MY
WHOLE FAMILY."

1046
00:37:25,199 --> 00:37:26,461
MY UNCLE STOPPED
HIM AND SAID...

1047
00:37:29,116 --> 00:37:29,986
"THAT'S CRAZY.

1048
00:37:31,945 --> 00:37:33,642
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR
WHOLE FAMILY? THAT'S..."

1049
00:37:33,686 --> 00:37:36,384
THE MAN SAYS, "A
GIFT MY WIFE HAS

1050
00:37:36,428 --> 00:37:37,472
IS UNLOADED ON
THE AUDIENCE,

1051
00:37:37,516 --> 00:37:38,430
AND THAT IS...

1052
00:37:39,561 --> 00:37:41,128
PROJECTILE VOMITING.

1053
00:37:41,171 --> 00:37:42,869
IT'S ALL OVER
THE FRONT ROW.

1054
00:37:42,912 --> 00:37:45,828
GALLAGHER, THAT
PUTZ, WOULD WISH

1055
00:37:45,872 --> 00:37:48,135
THIS SORT OF...
[ Laughter ]

1056
00:37:51,051 --> 00:37:53,706
THIS SORT OF THING
WAS POSSIBLE FROM
A WATERMELON.

1057
00:37:53,749 --> 00:37:54,707
FORGET IT."

1058
00:37:54,750 --> 00:37:57,579
[ Laughter ]

1059
00:37:57,623 --> 00:37:59,320
THIS IS WHAT'S
HAPPENING TO MY UNCLE.

1060
00:37:59,364 --> 00:38:01,714
HE STARTS TO CHUCKLE.

1061
00:38:01,757 --> 00:38:03,759
BUT HE ALSO IS FRIGHTENED
FOR HIS LIFE.

1062
00:38:03,803 --> 00:38:06,936
HE... HE SENSES...
ASK THE NAME FIRST,

1063
00:38:06,980 --> 00:38:08,634
THEN, GET THEM OUT.

1064
00:38:08,677 --> 00:38:10,244
DON'T GIVE THEM
THE BUM'S RUSH,

1065
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:12,072
'CAUSE THIS FUCK WILL
KILL YOU, CLEARLY.

1066
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:14,944
[ Laughing ]

1067
00:38:16,337 --> 00:38:17,556
TO ME, IN THIS JOKE,

1068
00:38:17,599 --> 00:38:20,123
YOU GET TO SHOW OFF
YOUR WRITING, SORT OF.

1069
00:38:20,167 --> 00:38:22,952
SO A FAMILY WALKS
INTO THE AGENT'S OFFICE

1070
00:38:22,996 --> 00:38:26,173
AND THEY WANT TO AUDITION
THEIR NEW ACT.

1071
00:38:26,216 --> 00:38:28,131
MOM DOES A NAKED CARTWHEEL
THROUGH THE AIR

1072
00:38:28,175 --> 00:38:30,090
AND LANDS FLAT
ON HER BACK.

1073
00:38:30,133 --> 00:38:31,918
SHE SPREADS HER LEGS
WIDE AND TURNS OVER

1074
00:38:31,961 --> 00:38:35,008
TO REVEAL A CHERRY-
COLOURED ASS.

1075
00:38:35,051 --> 00:38:37,315
SON COMES OVER AND
BEGINS TO JACK OFF.

1076
00:38:37,358 --> 00:38:38,838
IN FACT, THE
VIGOUR OF YOUTH

1077
00:38:38,881 --> 00:38:42,102
ALLOWS HIM TO DO THIS
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

1078
00:38:42,145 --> 00:38:45,235
SIS, WHOSE TITS ARE
PRACTICALLY NON-EXISTENT,

1079
00:38:45,279 --> 00:38:47,542
SUDDENLY GETS DOWN
ON ALL FOURS,

1080
00:38:47,586 --> 00:38:51,894
HER HAIRLESS PAPER CUT
BEGINS TWITCHING
WITH ANTICIPATION.

1081
00:38:51,938 --> 00:38:53,940
DAD SPRINGS INTO ACTION.

1082
00:38:53,983 --> 00:38:55,985
HE SPINS HIS
DAUGHTER AROUND

1083
00:38:56,029 --> 00:38:58,031
AND GIVES HER A
LITTLE BIT OF 69.

1084
00:38:58,074 --> 00:38:59,380
JUST THEN, THERE'S
A BLINDING SPRAY

1085
00:38:59,424 --> 00:39:01,121
THAT COVERS THE
ENTIRE FAMILY,

1086
00:39:01,164 --> 00:39:03,384
AND GRANDMA RIDES IN
ON A RED BICYCLE,

1087
00:39:03,428 --> 00:39:06,692
PISSES ALL OVER THEM
AND SAYS, "TAH-DAH!"

1088
00:39:06,735 --> 00:39:09,303
THE AGENT SAYS,
"THAT'S AMAZING. WHAT
DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

1089
00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:11,131
AND GRANDMA SAYS...
[ Blowing ]

1090
00:39:11,174 --> 00:39:12,437
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

1091
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:14,874
[ Laughter ]

1092
00:39:14,917 --> 00:39:16,963
WE SAW THE ACT
AND IT JUST...

1093
00:39:17,006 --> 00:39:19,400
JUST DUMBSTRUCK
TELLER, QUITE
LITERALLY.

1094
00:39:19,444 --> 00:39:21,228
I CAN GO INTO
THE WHOLE THING.

1095
00:39:21,271 --> 00:39:22,708
THE FATHER...
WHO WAS...

1096
00:39:22,751 --> 00:39:24,536
WHO PLAYED
THE BAGPIPES
OUT HIS ASS.

1097
00:39:24,579 --> 00:39:26,712
THE MOTHER WHO
DID THIS WHOLE
WEIRD THING

1098
00:39:26,755 --> 00:39:28,888
WITH MENSTRUAL
BLOOD AND...

1099
00:39:28,931 --> 00:39:30,019
YEAH, BEAUTIFUL.

1100
00:39:30,063 --> 00:39:31,456
BUT THE PART THAT
KILLED US THE MOST

1101
00:39:31,499 --> 00:39:33,196
WAS THIS LITTLE
CUTE KID.

1102
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:34,415
WHAT WAS HE,
ABOUT SIX OR SO?

1103
00:39:34,459 --> 00:39:36,678
AND THE KID HAD
THIS ENORMOUS COCK.

1104
00:39:36,722 --> 00:39:38,419
IT WAS THE SIZE
OF, YOU KNOW...

1105
00:39:38,463 --> 00:39:40,856
LIKE... OH YEAH,
LIKE THE SIZE OF
A BOTTLE LIKE THAT.

1106
00:39:40,900 --> 00:39:43,163
AND STARTED
JERKING AND JERKING

1107
00:39:43,206 --> 00:39:44,599
AND JERKING
AND JERKING,

1108
00:39:44,643 --> 00:39:46,427
AND THEN JUST
AS HE GOT TO
THE FINAL END,

1109
00:39:46,471 --> 00:39:47,994
HE WOULD JUST
JERK, JERK,

1110
00:39:48,037 --> 00:39:49,343
AND THE KID HAD...

1111
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:50,997
THE WHOLE
HEAD OF HIS

1112
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:52,694
COCK BLEW OFF.
OH-H-H.

1113
00:39:52,738 --> 00:39:55,871
AND WE SAID, "AH,
FABULOUS, FABULOUS."

1114
00:39:55,915 --> 00:39:57,786
TELLER COULDN'T
TALK ANY LONGER.
HE WAS...

1115
00:39:57,830 --> 00:39:59,962
HE WAS JUST...
SHOCKED, DUMBSTRUCK.

1116
00:40:00,006 --> 00:40:02,051
JUST NEVER
SPOKE AGAIN.

1117
00:40:02,095 --> 00:40:04,271
AND THE KID WAS
ALSO DUMBSTRUCK.

1118
00:40:04,314 --> 00:40:05,838
YOU KNOW, HE
HAD THE HEAD

1119
00:40:05,881 --> 00:40:07,187
OF HIS COCK
BLOWN OFF.

1120
00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:09,450
IF TELLING A JOKE
IN YOUR OWN WORDS

1121
00:40:09,494 --> 00:40:11,452
AND CREATING
YOUR OWN SET-UP,

1122
00:40:11,496 --> 00:40:12,975
IF THAT CAN BE
PERSONALIZED,

1123
00:40:13,019 --> 00:40:14,629
THEN THAT... THAT'S
A FORM OF WRITING.

1124
00:40:14,673 --> 00:40:16,544
FIRST I COME IN THERE
AND I START LOOS...

1125
00:40:16,588 --> 00:40:17,632
GET LOOSENED UP
A LITTLE BIT.

1126
00:40:19,068 --> 00:40:20,896
THEN I START TO
STRETCH MY FACE.

1127
00:40:22,332 --> 00:40:23,899
THEN I LIKE TO CELEBRATE
THE THEATRE: COMEDY.

1128
00:40:25,901 --> 00:40:26,554
TRAGEDY.

1129
00:40:27,903 --> 00:40:28,991
AND THEN
UNCLE LOUIE COMES IN.

1130
00:40:32,517 --> 00:40:33,953
AND THEN COUSIN EDDY,

1131
00:40:33,996 --> 00:40:36,912
HE JUST CAME BACK FROM
RUSSIA WITH THE ARMY.

1132
00:40:36,956 --> 00:40:39,567
♪ DEUTCHLAND, DEUTCHLAND,
YUGOSLANDVER. ♪

1133
00:40:41,917 --> 00:40:42,918
I GOT IT.
[ Whimpering ]

1134
00:40:43,789 --> 00:40:45,443
AND THEN AUNT SADIE,

1135
00:40:45,486 --> 00:40:48,576
SHE COMES IN AND DOES
AN ACROBATIC NUMBER.

1136
00:40:48,620 --> 00:40:49,534
HEY-OH!

1137
00:40:50,839 --> 00:40:52,928
SO A GUY GOES INTO A,
UH... A TALENT AGENT

1138
00:40:52,972 --> 00:40:54,887
AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
DUDE, CHECK IT OUT,
I'VE GOT A GREAT ACT."

1139
00:40:54,930 --> 00:40:57,672
AND HE'S LIKE, "IT'S NOT A
FUCKING PROP ACT, IS IT?"

1140
00:40:57,716 --> 00:40:59,065
I WOULD TELL THAT
JOKE, BUT AS YOU KNOW,

1141
00:40:59,108 --> 00:41:00,806
I ONLY WORK OFF PROMPTER.

1142
00:41:00,849 --> 00:41:04,723
SO UNLESS I CAN LOOK IN
THE PROMPTER AND SEE...

1143
00:41:04,766 --> 00:41:07,813
I'M SORRY, WAS IT:
FINGERING THE DAUGHTER

1144
00:41:07,856 --> 00:41:10,076
AND EATING SHIT OUT OF
THE GRANDMOTHER'S ASS?

1145
00:41:10,119 --> 00:41:12,295
I'D HATE TO GET SOMETHING
LIKE THAT WRONG

1146
00:41:12,339 --> 00:41:15,211
BECAUSE IT REALLY SEEMS TO
BE SO DELICATELY WORDED.

1147
00:42:45,737 --> 00:42:47,608
WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT
KINDS OF CARTOONS

1148
00:42:47,652 --> 00:42:50,350
PLAYING IN THE
COMIC'S MIND.

1149
00:42:50,393 --> 00:42:53,832
MURRAY THE AGENT BARGES
INTO STAN THE VARIETY
BOOKER'S OFFICE.

1150
00:42:53,875 --> 00:42:56,791
STAN GOES, "NO, NO,
NO! NO, YOU DON'T!

1151
00:42:56,835 --> 00:42:59,228
YOU ALWAYS BRING
ME THE WORST ACTS
IN THE UNIVERSE."

1152
00:42:59,272 --> 00:43:00,839
"THIS ONE IS COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT, STAN.

1153
00:43:00,882 --> 00:43:02,536
IT'S A FAMILY ACT.

1154
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:04,843
FIRST THE FATHER COMES OUT

1155
00:43:04,886 --> 00:43:06,627
NAKED AS THE DAY
HE WAS BORN,

1156
00:43:06,671 --> 00:43:08,586
AND HE SETS UP A LADDER.

1157
00:43:08,629 --> 00:43:11,632
THEN MOM COMES OUT, AND SHE
LOOKS FANTASTIC FOR HER AGE.

1158
00:43:11,676 --> 00:43:14,374
SHE CLIMBS HALF
WAY UP THE LADDER,

1159
00:43:14,417 --> 00:43:16,506
NAKED AS THE DAY
SHE WAS BORN.

1160
00:43:16,550 --> 00:43:19,422
THEN JUNIOR STEPS OUT,
A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD,

1161
00:43:19,466 --> 00:43:20,989
NAKED AS THE
DAY HE WAS BORN,

1162
00:43:21,033 --> 00:43:23,035
AND HE CLIMBS ALL
THE WAY TO THE
TOP OF THE LADDER.

1163
00:43:23,078 --> 00:43:25,298
DAD LIGHTS A CIGAR, GETS
IT SMOKING REAL GOOD,

1164
00:43:25,341 --> 00:43:26,429
STICKS IT IN MOM'S ASS,

1165
00:43:26,473 --> 00:43:27,996
SHE BLOWS A SMOKE RING
OUT OF HER TWAT,

1166
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:29,563
AND THE SON DIVES THROUGH IT.

1167
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:30,956
EVERYBODY LOVES THIS
IN THE CIRCUS

1168
00:43:30,999 --> 00:43:33,045
WHERE THEY FIT A BUNCH
OF CLOWNS INTO A CAR

1169
00:43:33,088 --> 00:43:34,655
AND THEY ALL COME OUT
AND THE AUDIENCE...

1170
00:43:34,699 --> 00:43:37,919
YOU SEE THE KIDS' EYES
JUST OPEN UP WITH AWE.

1171
00:43:37,963 --> 00:43:39,529
IT'S JUST THE MOST
AMAZING THING.

1172
00:43:39,573 --> 00:43:44,230
IT'S LIKE THAT, EXCEPT WE ALL
FIT INTO THIS WOMAN'S CUNT.

1173
00:43:44,273 --> 00:43:47,146
SHE RIDES AROUND A
LITTLE RING ON A BICYCLE

1174
00:43:47,189 --> 00:43:50,889
AND WHEN SHE STOPS, WE
ALL POP OUT OF HER CUNT,

1175
00:43:50,932 --> 00:43:55,023
AND SPIT CUNT JUICE AT
THE AUDIENCE, WHICH
GETS THEM INVOLVED.

1176
00:43:55,067 --> 00:43:57,983
THEY GET A LITTLE WET.
IT'S LIKE KIND OF
A GALLAGHER THING.

1177
00:43:58,026 --> 00:44:00,899
SOMETIMES THERE'S MUCUS
AND LITTLE CUNT LOOGIES.

1178
00:44:00,942 --> 00:44:04,119
AND WE CAN MAKE
LITTLE ANIMALS AND
THINGS LIKE THAT AND...

1179
00:44:04,163 --> 00:44:06,644
OUT OF THE...
THE CUNT SNOT.

1180
00:44:06,687 --> 00:44:08,080
AND WE GIVE THOSE
TO THE KIDS.

1181
00:44:08,123 --> 00:44:10,169
TERRIFIC.

1182
00:44:10,212 --> 00:44:12,780
THERE'D BE OTHERS BUT
WITH MORE IRONY OR
SLIGHTLY MORE SARCASM;

1183
00:44:12,824 --> 00:44:14,521
A WRY SENSE OF
LOOKING AT THE WORLD.

1184
00:44:14,564 --> 00:44:16,741
THE GUY GOES IN TO,
UH, GET AN AGENT,

1185
00:44:16,784 --> 00:44:18,917
THE AGENT SAYS, "WHAT
DO YOU GUYS DO?"

1186
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:20,179
HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW,
MY WIFE AND I..."

1187
00:44:20,222 --> 00:44:21,528
HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

1188
00:44:21,571 --> 00:44:23,182
IT WOULDN'T BE
THE ONION IF WE
GOT JESUS IN IT.

1189
00:44:23,225 --> 00:44:24,574
Man:
THAT WOULD BE
WEIRD, WOULDN'T IT?

1190
00:44:24,618 --> 00:44:27,142
THE GRANDFATHER
FUCKING JESUS
IN THE ASS.

1191
00:44:27,186 --> 00:44:28,404
YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOMETHING
THAT IS OFFENSIVE NOW?

1192
00:44:28,448 --> 00:44:29,275
GAY-BASHING.

1193
00:44:29,318 --> 00:44:30,885
BUT IF IT'S
GAY-BASHING,

1194
00:44:30,929 --> 00:44:32,887
THEN WE CAN'T
HAVE ANY GAY
SEX IN THE ACT.

1195
00:44:32,931 --> 00:44:34,584
THROWING IN GAY SEX

1196
00:44:34,628 --> 00:44:36,325
HAS NEVER DETERRED
ANYONE FROM
BASHING GAYS.

1197
00:44:36,369 --> 00:44:37,370
YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH.

1198
00:44:37,413 --> 00:44:38,719
I KIND OF THINK
WE COULD DO BOTH.

1199
00:44:38,763 --> 00:44:40,460
I THINK THEY COULD
SODOMIZE JESUS

1200
00:44:40,503 --> 00:44:41,896
UP THE ASS
AND SAY...

1201
00:44:41,940 --> 00:44:43,419
YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH.

1202
00:44:43,463 --> 00:44:44,464
AND SAY, "THIS
IS BECAUSE YOU'RE

1203
00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:45,508
A FAGGOT." THEY COULD.

1204
00:44:45,552 --> 00:44:47,902
YOU PROBABLY LIKE
THIS, FAGGOT!

1205
00:44:47,946 --> 00:44:49,730
THERE ARE GUYS WHO ARE
MADE TO TELL THIS JOKE.

1206
00:44:49,774 --> 00:44:52,385
SOME PEOPLE THINK I
HAVE A REPUTATION OF
BEING A DIRTY COMEDIAN,

1207
00:44:52,428 --> 00:44:54,996
AND I DON'T REALLY WANT
TO EXPOSE THAT, ANYWHERE.

1208
00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:58,347
'CAUSE I THINK I'VE... YOU
KNOW, I'M REALLY A FAMILY
KIND OF, ORIENTED GUY,

1209
00:44:58,391 --> 00:44:59,784
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS JOKE.

1210
00:45:01,786 --> 00:45:04,092
OH, SAGET. NOW
THERE IS A MAN

1211
00:45:04,136 --> 00:45:06,573
WHO WALKS AROUND
TELLING "THE ARISTOCRAT"
JOKE IN LIFE!

1212
00:45:06,616 --> 00:45:09,358
THAT'S MY FRIEND PAUL,
AND RIGHT NOW I'M
LOOKING AT HIS DINGER.

1213
00:45:09,402 --> 00:45:10,882
HE'S GOT A VERY
HUGE, UH, WIENER.

1214
00:45:10,925 --> 00:45:13,754
IT'S ABOUT...
ABOUT THAT BIG.

1215
00:45:13,798 --> 00:45:15,756
I BELIEVE THAT'S
SHANDLING'S JOKE,
I'M PRETTY SURE.

1216
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,584
WHEN YOU LIFT SOMETHING
IT BETTER BE A COCK.

1217
00:45:17,627 --> 00:45:19,064
I'M SORRY.

1218
00:45:19,107 --> 00:45:23,155
ONCE FOR HANUKKAH HE GAVE
ME, UM, SOME SLIM TAMPAX.

1219
00:45:23,198 --> 00:45:25,331
HE SAID "LEAVE THEM OUT,
SO GUYS WILL THINK
YOU'RE REALLY TIGHT."

1220
00:45:25,374 --> 00:45:26,985
[ Laughing ]

1221
00:45:27,028 --> 00:45:29,030
HERE WE GO.
THIS FAMILY:

1222
00:45:29,074 --> 00:45:30,858
A MOTHER, FATHER,
AND FOUR KIDS,

1223
00:45:30,902 --> 00:45:32,251
DOESN'T MATTER IF
THEY'RE BOYS OR GIRLS

1224
00:45:32,294 --> 00:45:34,166
AND THEY'RE GOING
TO BE USED ANYWAY,

1225
00:45:34,209 --> 00:45:36,037
AS JUST NOTHING
MORE THAN A HOLE,

1226
00:45:36,081 --> 00:45:37,430
IS WHAT THIS JOKE'S
ABOUT ANYWAY.

1227
00:45:37,473 --> 00:45:38,997
IT'S ABOUT USING YOUR KID.

1228
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,825
YOU KNOW, IF THEY HAVE A
PAPER ROUTE TO GO TO SCHOOL,

1229
00:45:40,868 --> 00:45:41,869
AND THEN YOU FUCK THEM.

1230
00:45:41,913 --> 00:45:43,131
NO, THAT'S...THAT'S...

1231
00:45:43,175 --> 00:45:46,656
HIS AIM IS TO GET AS
MANY DISGUSTING THOUGHTS

1232
00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:48,484
INTO SENTENCES
AS POSSIBLE.

1233
00:45:48,528 --> 00:45:50,399
AND THE AGENT GOES, "WELL
WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO?"

1234
00:45:50,443 --> 00:45:53,011
THE FATHER'S LIKE...
"WATCH US."

1235
00:45:53,054 --> 00:45:55,753
HE TAKES HER WIFE'S BRA AND
HE RIPS OFF HER UNDERWEAR,

1236
00:45:55,796 --> 00:45:57,406
AND HE TAKES SOME OF
HER PUBES WITH IT,

1237
00:45:57,450 --> 00:45:58,843
IT'S HORRIBLE AND THERE'S
A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD

1238
00:45:58,886 --> 00:45:59,800
STARTS DRIPPING
DOWN HER LEG.

1239
00:45:59,844 --> 00:46:01,062
SO HE JUST PULLS
OUT THE TAMPON

1240
00:46:01,106 --> 00:46:02,890
AND THROWS IT AT THE
WINDOW, AND IT STICKS.

1241
00:46:02,934 --> 00:46:05,023
THEY GO DOWN ON EACH
OTHER IN ALL DIFFERENT
CONFIGURATIONS:

1242
00:46:05,066 --> 00:46:06,764
IT'S 69, IT'S 29,

1243
00:46:06,807 --> 00:46:08,156
'CAUSE THE KIDS
ARE YOUNG, IT'S 9.

1244
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:10,985
THE FATHER BENDS HIS KID
OVER ON THE GUY'S DESK

1245
00:46:11,029 --> 00:46:13,031
AND HE'S LIKE TAKIN' HIM FROM
BEHIND, WHICH ISN'T RIGHT.

1246
00:46:13,074 --> 00:46:14,293
I JUST WANT TO SAY RIGHT NOW,

1247
00:46:14,336 --> 00:46:15,598
IF ANY OF YOU PEOPLE
ARE DOING THIS

1248
00:46:15,642 --> 00:46:16,774
THAT ARE WATCHING THIS,

1249
00:46:16,817 --> 00:46:17,992
IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX
WITH YOUR FAMILY,

1250
00:46:18,036 --> 00:46:19,951
I DON'T CONDONE IT.
I THINK IT'S WRONG.

1251
00:46:19,994 --> 00:46:21,517
I DO A LOT OF P.S.A.s

1252
00:46:21,561 --> 00:46:24,042
TO SUPPORT "DO NOT
FUCK YOUR FAMILY".

1253
00:46:24,085 --> 00:46:25,957
SO THEY'RE ALL FUCKING
EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

1254
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:27,741
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE
KID CAN'T TAKE IT.

1255
00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:29,569
DIARRHEA STARTS SQUIRTING
OUT OF HIS ASS.

1256
00:46:29,612 --> 00:46:31,832
IT'S LIKE A
HAEMORRHAGING SHIT-ASS.

1257
00:46:31,876 --> 00:46:34,226
THE KID STARTS SPINNING
IN A CIRCLE 'CAUSE HE
CAN'T CONTROL IT.

1258
00:46:34,269 --> 00:46:35,618
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
CURLY IN "THE STOOGES".

1259
00:46:35,662 --> 00:46:36,924
[ Imitating Curly ]
"MO, LARRY, THE CHEESE."

1260
00:46:36,968 --> 00:46:39,100
THE PROJECTILE SHIT IS
JUST FLYING OUT OF HIM,

1261
00:46:39,144 --> 00:46:41,450
IT'S GOING ALL OVER THE
ROOM. IT'S LIKE SPIN ART,

1262
00:46:41,494 --> 00:46:43,801
SO YOU DON'T KNOW
WHETHER TO SHIT OR
PUKE IN THIS ROOM,

1263
00:46:43,844 --> 00:46:46,934
THAT'S HOW... WHAT
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

1264
00:46:51,504 --> 00:46:52,984
THEN! WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

1265
00:46:53,027 --> 00:46:55,160
YOU GET TO BE A
COMIC FOR COMICS.

1266
00:46:55,203 --> 00:46:58,076
THIS IS... THIS IS FUN.

1267
00:46:58,119 --> 00:46:59,381
SO THEN THEY START
SINGING "MAKE 'EM L..."

1268
00:47:01,514 --> 00:47:02,515
AND "BE A CLOWN".

1269
00:47:04,865 --> 00:47:06,649
THE FATHER'S HAEMORRHOID
POPS, RIGHT?

1270
00:47:06,693 --> 00:47:08,608
SO HE GRABS IT UP, PUTS IT
ON THE END OF HIS NOSE

1271
00:47:08,651 --> 00:47:09,870
LIKE A CLOWN,
LIKE EMMETT KELLY,

1272
00:47:09,914 --> 00:47:11,654
EXCEPT HE'S COVERED IN SHIT.

1273
00:47:11,698 --> 00:47:12,830
THEN THEY ALL
START MAKING OUT.

1274
00:47:15,223 --> 00:47:16,790
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE MAD

1275
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:19,097
'CAUSE ALL KIDDING ASIDE...

1276
00:47:19,140 --> 00:47:20,968
BY THE WAY THIS WOULD BE
A GOOD TIME RIGHT NOW

1277
00:47:21,012 --> 00:47:23,492
TO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF
AND GET SOME LOTION,

1278
00:47:23,536 --> 00:47:25,364
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT WITH THIS FAMILY.

1279
00:47:25,407 --> 00:47:26,669
THEY JUST START
JACKIN' AND...

1280
00:47:29,498 --> 00:47:32,327
[ Snorting ]
OH, CAN I GET
A COPY OF THIS?

1281
00:47:32,371 --> 00:47:35,330
I'D LIKE TO SEND IT TO
THE KIDS ON THE SHOW
"FULL HOUSE" IF I COULD.

1282
00:47:35,374 --> 00:47:37,637
IT WAS JUST AN
OPPORTUNITY TO BE VILE,

1283
00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:39,900
FOR NO REASON AT ALL,

1284
00:47:39,944 --> 00:47:40,901
SO I USED TO LOVE IT.

1285
00:47:40,945 --> 00:47:42,337
FATHER CAN'T HELP HIMSELF,

1286
00:47:42,381 --> 00:47:44,209
HAULS BACK, SMACKS
WIFE RIGHT IN THE MOUTH,

1287
00:47:44,252 --> 00:47:45,993
KNOCKS ALL OF HER TEETH OUT.

1288
00:47:46,037 --> 00:47:48,996
STICK HIS FIST,
ACCIDENTALLY MIND YOU,

1289
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,651
DOWN HER TOOTHLESS THROAT.

1290
00:47:51,694 --> 00:47:54,045
UNBELIEVABLE, HE
ACTUALLY FISTS HER NECK.

1291
00:47:54,088 --> 00:47:56,482
I LOVE THE IDEA OF
FLOATING RIGHT PAST THAT,

1292
00:47:56,525 --> 00:47:58,136
AS IF THIS IS
THE MOST NORMAL

1293
00:47:58,179 --> 00:48:00,921
AND THE THING YOU'RE
MOST USED TO DOING.

1294
00:48:00,965 --> 00:48:04,490
I CUM INSIDE MY DAUGHTER'S
ASSHOLE AND...

1295
00:48:04,533 --> 00:48:06,274
AND THEN MY WIFE
FELTCHES IT...

1296
00:48:06,318 --> 00:48:07,928
I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE
FAMILIAR WITH FELTCHING...

1297
00:48:07,972 --> 00:48:10,104
FELCTHING IS WHERE YOU
FUCK SOMEBODY IN THE ASS

1298
00:48:10,148 --> 00:48:10,844
AND THEN YOU...

1299
00:48:12,150 --> 00:48:13,934
SUCK THE CUM OUT.

1300
00:48:13,978 --> 00:48:14,935
TASTY.

1301
00:48:14,979 --> 00:48:17,764
JIZZ STRAIGHT: IT'S GOOD,

1302
00:48:17,807 --> 00:48:19,548
BUT IF IT HAS THAT
LITTLE TASTE OF SHIT...

1303
00:48:20,985 --> 00:48:23,509
WE ALSO HAVE, THE
"DIRTY SANCHEZ".

1304
00:48:23,552 --> 00:48:26,164
THAT'S WHERE YOU FUCK
SOMEBODY IN THE ASS,
THEN YOU PULL IT OUT,

1305
00:48:26,207 --> 00:48:28,949
THEN YOU GIVE THE GIRL
A MOUSTACHE WITH THE SHIT
THAT'S ON YOUR DICK.

1306
00:48:28,993 --> 00:48:30,733
MEXICAN MOUSTACHE.
DING, DING.

1307
00:48:30,777 --> 00:48:32,431
THEN THERE'S THE
"STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE".

1308
00:48:32,474 --> 00:48:33,998
HE JERKS OFF ON HER FACE

1309
00:48:34,041 --> 00:48:35,695
AND PUNCHES HER
IN THE NOSE!

1310
00:48:35,738 --> 00:48:38,741
SHE'S BLEEDING,
AND THERE'S WHITE...

1311
00:48:38,785 --> 00:48:41,440
THEN A "RUSTY TROMBONE",
OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW.

1312
00:48:41,483 --> 00:48:43,703
C'MON! THE
"RUSTY TROMBONE",
PEOPLE'VE HEARD IT.

1313
00:48:43,746 --> 00:48:45,966
YOU KNOW, YOU SPREAD
A MAN'S ASSHOLE,

1314
00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:48,229
AND THEN THERE'S
THE RUSTY HOLE.

1315
00:48:48,273 --> 00:48:50,971
AND I LICK HIS ASS
WHILE I REACH AROUND
AND JERK HIM OFF.

1316
00:48:51,015 --> 00:48:51,667
AND THAT'S HOW YA...

1317
00:48:54,453 --> 00:48:55,845
AND THEN THERE'S
"SPACE DOCKING"

1318
00:48:55,889 --> 00:48:57,195
WHERE YOU TAKE A SHIT
IN A GIRL'S PUSSY.

1319
00:48:57,238 --> 00:48:58,587
I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S
EVER DONE THAT.

1320
00:48:58,631 --> 00:48:59,937
I WOULD MAKE SURE

1321
00:48:59,980 --> 00:49:02,983
THAT I WAS TREATING
THOSE THINGS AS...

1322
00:49:03,027 --> 00:49:05,159
"AND THEN HE TOOK
OUT THE CARBURETOR,

1323
00:49:05,203 --> 00:49:07,814
AND HE BEGAN TO TAKE
THE CARBURETOR APART,
AND THE INTAKE..."

1324
00:49:07,857 --> 00:49:09,859
I'M FUCKING MY DAUGHTER,
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

1325
00:49:09,903 --> 00:49:11,470
WHILE SHE'S KNOBBING MY SON.

1326
00:49:11,513 --> 00:49:13,994
AND... AND HE'S NOT
TRYING TO BE FOUL,

1327
00:49:14,038 --> 00:49:16,866
BUT HE GENUINELY
BELIEVES IT'S REALLY
QUITE NOVEL WHAT WE DO,

1328
00:49:16,910 --> 00:49:18,216
AND... AND YOU'D BE
CRAZY NOT TO HIRE US.

1329
00:49:18,259 --> 00:49:19,608
AND MAKE IT AS MATTER
OF FACT AS POSSIBLE.

1330
00:49:19,652 --> 00:49:21,436
THAT'S THE JOY FOR ME

1331
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:25,266
OF SAYING SOMETHING THAT
VIOLATES SOMEONE'S BOUNDARIES.

1332
00:49:25,310 --> 00:49:27,094
THE MOTHER CLIPS
ALL THE NAILS OFF
OF ONE OF HER HANDS,

1333
00:49:27,138 --> 00:49:28,574
PUTS IT UP HER DAUGHTER,

1334
00:49:28,617 --> 00:49:30,010
AND STARTS WORKING
HER LIKE A PUPPET.

1335
00:49:30,054 --> 00:49:31,881
THE FATHER'S GOT
SMELLING SALTS

1336
00:49:31,925 --> 00:49:33,579
THAT HE'S BEEN
GIVING TO HIS KIDS

1337
00:49:33,622 --> 00:49:35,711
WHO KEEP PASSING
OUT, YOU KNOW,

1338
00:49:35,755 --> 00:49:37,409
FROM THE FACT THAT
THEIR HEADS ARE BLEEDING

1339
00:49:37,452 --> 00:49:39,846
AND THEY'VE BEEN
ANALLY RAPED IN FRONT
OF AN AGENT, YET.

1340
00:49:39,889 --> 00:49:41,674
THE MOTHER HAD A BIG
BOIL ON HER BACK.

1341
00:49:41,717 --> 00:49:43,458
THAT POPPED.

1342
00:49:43,502 --> 00:49:45,417
YOU ALWAYS WANT TO MAKE
SURE THAT YOU HAVEN'T
LEFT ANYTHING OUT,

1343
00:49:45,460 --> 00:49:47,985
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT
THERE'S ALWAYS THE
CHANCE TO BE TOPPED.

1344
00:49:48,028 --> 00:49:49,160
HE TAKES OUT HIS PENIS

1345
00:49:49,203 --> 00:49:51,162
AND HE GOES OVER TO
THE AGENT'S DESK,

1346
00:49:51,205 --> 00:49:53,816
HE STARTS SLAMMING
HIS DICK IN THE DRAWER.

1347
00:49:53,860 --> 00:49:56,210
JUST FLATTENS IT RIGHT
OUT LIKE A BOOKMARK,

1348
00:49:56,254 --> 00:49:57,777
AND THEN JUST STARTS
SMACKING HIS KIDS WITH IT.

1349
00:49:57,820 --> 00:49:59,909
FLICKS THEM LIKE A
WET TOWEL AT THE GYM.

1350
00:49:59,953 --> 00:50:01,737
AND HE KNOCKS ONE OF HIS
KIDS RIGHT IN THE EYE,

1351
00:50:01,781 --> 00:50:03,391
AND THE KID'S EYE
POPS OUT. WELL...

1352
00:50:03,435 --> 00:50:05,393
HE LOOKS AT THAT AS AN
OPPORTUNITY, MIND YOU.

1353
00:50:05,437 --> 00:50:07,047
JUST TRYING TO GO FURTHER

1354
00:50:07,091 --> 00:50:09,310
THAN ANYONE HAD
EVER GONE BEFORE.

1355
00:50:09,354 --> 00:50:13,010
JUST PUTS HIS FLAT WIENER
RIGHT IN THAT EYE SOCKET.

1356
00:50:13,053 --> 00:50:15,708
GETS CAUGHT. GETS CAUGHT
ON THE BACK OF HIS RETINA,

1357
00:50:15,751 --> 00:50:17,623
AND HE STARTS TRYING
TO GET HIM OFF OF HIM,

1358
00:50:17,666 --> 00:50:19,277
AND HE'S COCKEYED.
NO? OKAY.

1359
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:20,365
SO ALL THIS IS
GOING ON...

1360
00:50:20,408 --> 00:50:21,409
Audience:
[ Laughter ]

1361
00:50:21,453 --> 00:50:22,454
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT TO GO ON.

1362
00:50:22,497 --> 00:50:24,195
I'M SORRY. I GOT
PEOPLE TO ENTERTAIN.

1363
00:50:24,238 --> 00:50:26,110
EXCUSE ME.

1364
00:50:26,153 --> 00:50:27,807
WHAT IS SO UNIQUE
ABOUT THIS JOKE

1365
00:50:27,850 --> 00:50:30,766
IS THAT IT'S SO
ABSURDLY FRONT-LOADED

1366
00:50:30,810 --> 00:50:32,333
THAT IT'S ALMOST THE
OPPOSITE OF A JOKE.

1367
00:50:32,377 --> 00:50:34,640
STEAM IS BUILT UP
IN THE SET-UP.

1368
00:50:34,683 --> 00:50:35,815
THERE'S SOMETHING
VERY SATISFYING

1369
00:50:35,858 --> 00:50:37,251
IN THAT STRUCTURE ITSELF

1370
00:50:37,295 --> 00:50:38,861
OF MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM,
MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM

1371
00:50:38,905 --> 00:50:40,863
AND THE PUNCHLINE, BY
THE WAY, MEANS NOTHING.

1372
00:50:40,907 --> 00:50:43,040
THERE'S SOMETHING VERY
SATISFYING IN THAT.

1373
00:50:43,083 --> 00:50:45,085
BUT IT IS THE KIND OF
JOKE THAT, YOU KNOW,

1374
00:50:45,129 --> 00:50:46,913
IF YOU SPENT THIS
MUCH TIME ON A SET-UP,

1375
00:50:46,956 --> 00:50:48,784
AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE
WAS "THE ARISTOCRATS"

1376
00:50:48,828 --> 00:50:51,091
OR ANYTHING, MOST PEOPLE
ARE GOING TO GO, "HUH".

1377
00:50:51,135 --> 00:50:52,614
[ Laughter ]

1378
00:50:52,658 --> 00:50:54,268
HE SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

1379
00:50:55,487 --> 00:50:56,792
OH, LORD.

1380
00:50:58,185 --> 00:50:59,839
HERE, HAVE
SOME MONEY.

1381
00:50:59,882 --> 00:51:03,016
THE PUNCHLINE IS ALMOST
INTENTIONALLY...

1382
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:06,106
NOT LAME, BUT WEAKER
THAN YOU MIGHT HAVE
EXPECTED IT TO BE.

1383
00:51:06,150 --> 00:51:08,108
BUT THE JOURNEY
IS SO MUCH FUN,

1384
00:51:08,152 --> 00:51:09,414
THAT YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

1385
00:51:09,457 --> 00:51:11,155
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT
THIS MEANS BY THE WAY.

1386
00:51:11,198 --> 00:51:13,592
THE PUNCHLINE CAN BE
THE ICING ON THE CAKE,

1387
00:51:13,635 --> 00:51:15,420
BUT THE CAKE CAN
BE REALLY DELICIOUS.

1388
00:51:15,463 --> 00:51:16,943
THEY SLICE THAT LITTLE LINE

1389
00:51:16,986 --> 00:51:18,205
THAT RUNS UP THE
MIDDLE OF THE TESTICLES,

1390
00:51:18,249 --> 00:51:20,425
LIKE A BUTTERFLY
SHRIMP AT BENIHANA.

1391
00:51:20,468 --> 00:51:22,818
NOW IT LOOKS LIKE SOME
STRANGE SORT OF MOUTH.

1392
00:51:22,862 --> 00:51:24,994
SO THEY HAVE
VENTRILOQUIST NUT SACKS.

1393
00:51:25,038 --> 00:51:26,953
AND THEN, THEY BROUGHT
SOME CHILDREN OUT ON STAGE.

1394
00:51:26,996 --> 00:51:28,781
THAT WAS SWEET.
ONE GUY LAYS
DOWN WITH,

1395
00:51:28,824 --> 00:51:31,958
YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A
ROD THE SIZE OF MY ARM,

1396
00:51:32,001 --> 00:51:34,874
AND BALANCED THE
KID, UP HIS ASS,
ON THE GUY'S ROD.

1397
00:51:34,917 --> 00:51:36,963
THEN THEY JERK
THE KID OFF. THEY
GET THE KID HARD,

1398
00:51:37,006 --> 00:51:38,965
NOW THEY PUT
ANOTHER NAKED KID,
HIS ASS ON THAT.

1399
00:51:39,008 --> 00:51:41,228
THEY'RE BUILDING
LIKE A TOWER, IT'S...

1400
00:51:41,272 --> 00:51:42,795
IT'S SOMETHING YOU
GOT TO SEE TO BELIEVE.
IT'S PHENOMENAL.

1401
00:51:42,838 --> 00:51:44,666
BY SPINNING EACH KID IN
A DIFFERENT DIRECTION,

1402
00:51:44,710 --> 00:51:46,799
YOU GET THIS
KIND OF... THING.

1403
00:51:46,842 --> 00:51:48,714
IT WAS ACTUALLY LOVELY
AND HAD GREAT LIGHTING.

1404
00:51:48,757 --> 00:51:50,281
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO
TELL IT, WHO TUMBLE

1405
00:51:50,324 --> 00:51:51,891
AND MAKE IT GREAT,

1406
00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:54,154
AND MAKE THE ACT MORE
INTERESTING AND FABULOUS.

1407
00:51:54,198 --> 00:51:56,548
AND THEN THE
ANIMAL PART CAME ON.

1408
00:51:56,591 --> 00:51:58,115
AND I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER
EVERYTHING I SAW:

1409
00:51:58,158 --> 00:51:59,290
A DONKEY, LLAMA, CAMEL.

1410
00:51:59,333 --> 00:52:00,726
SOMETHING THAT
LOOKED LIKE A BISON.

1411
00:52:00,769 --> 00:52:02,162
I'M GUESSING, I'VE
NEVER SEEN A BISON.

1412
00:52:02,206 --> 00:52:04,251
A GIANT ANIMAL THAT
THEY BROUGHT OUT

1413
00:52:04,295 --> 00:52:05,383
THAT YOU
WERE RUBBING.

1414
00:52:05,426 --> 00:52:06,471
OH, THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL,

1415
00:52:06,514 --> 00:52:08,125
THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL.
WHAT WAS IT?

1416
00:52:08,168 --> 00:52:09,387
IT WASN'T AN ANIMAL.

1417
00:52:09,430 --> 00:52:11,954
WE'RE SO CONDITIONED
NOW TO SITCOM HUMOUR,

1418
00:52:11,998 --> 00:52:13,695
WHERE IT'S SET-UP,
PUNCHLINE,

1419
00:52:13,739 --> 00:52:15,349
THEY THINK THEY'RE
MISSING IT. THEY DON'T...

1420
00:52:15,393 --> 00:52:17,525
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT
THE JOURNEY IS THE FUN.

1421
00:52:17,569 --> 00:52:19,701
WHAT INTRIGUES ME
IS HOW IN AMERICA,

1422
00:52:19,745 --> 00:52:21,790
YOU CAN LAUGH AT
SOMETHING LIKE ARISTOCRATS

1423
00:52:21,834 --> 00:52:22,791
'CAUSE YOU DON'T
HAVE ARISTOCRATS.

1424
00:52:22,835 --> 00:52:25,446
WHY DOES THAT
WORK IN AMERICA?

1425
00:52:25,490 --> 00:52:28,710
THAT MUCH FOUL
FILTH NEEDS A WORD
LIKE "ARISTOCRATS".

1426
00:52:28,754 --> 00:52:31,104
IT ALMOST SOUNDS
QUAINT THAT YOU
CAN PUT A CUTE CAP

1427
00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:34,238
ON SOMETHING THAT
RANCID, THAT'S JUST
AS UGLY AS YOU CAN BE

1428
00:52:34,281 --> 00:52:35,891
AND IT'S LIKE,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

1429
00:52:35,935 --> 00:52:37,937
A FORM OF SOCIETY THAT
DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

1430
00:52:37,980 --> 00:52:39,634
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE,
THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

1431
00:52:39,678 --> 00:52:41,941
I SAID, "WHAT'S
AN ARISTOCRAT?"

1432
00:52:41,984 --> 00:52:42,985
AND I HAD NO IDEA.

1433
00:52:43,029 --> 00:52:44,944
JUST THIS ODD WORD,

1434
00:52:44,987 --> 00:52:47,599
BUT IT'S THE ONLY WORD
THAT WOULD SATISFY
THAT HUNK OF FILTH.

1435
00:52:47,642 --> 00:52:48,687
NOW I HAVE
HEARD THE TWIST

1436
00:52:48,730 --> 00:52:50,167
OF CALLING THEM
"THE SOPHISTICATES".

1437
00:52:52,386 --> 00:52:53,996
IT ALSO WORKED.
ACTUALLY, MAYBE EVEN
A LITTLE BETTER.

1438
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:55,259
MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER EVEN.

1439
00:52:55,302 --> 00:52:57,086
THAT'S NICE;
"THE SOPHISTICATES".

1440
00:52:57,130 --> 00:52:59,001
I PERSONALLY THINK IT'S
A MUCH BETTER CHOICE,
"THE SOPHISTICATES".

1441
00:52:59,045 --> 00:53:00,133
"OH, WE'RE
'SOPHISTICATES'."

1442
00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:01,613
JUST THE GOOFINESS
OF A PERSON

1443
00:53:01,656 --> 00:53:02,918
TURNING THE JOKE
UPON THEMSELF,

1444
00:53:02,962 --> 00:53:05,660
WHEREAS ARISTOCRATS ARE
SELDOM SELF-APPOINTED,

1445
00:53:05,704 --> 00:53:07,923
THEREFORE, THE
JOKE IS SATIRE.

1446
00:53:07,967 --> 00:53:09,098
THAT'S A POLITICAL
STATEMENT.

1447
00:53:09,142 --> 00:53:10,187
Man:
YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD BE GREAT

1448
00:53:10,230 --> 00:53:11,275
IS JUST TO ADD
TO THIS LIST

1449
00:53:11,318 --> 00:53:12,493
OF SHIT-EATING AND
EVERYTHING ELSE,

1450
00:53:12,537 --> 00:53:14,060
IS JUST ADD
REPUBLICAN.

1451
00:53:14,103 --> 00:53:15,496
[ Laughter ]

1452
00:53:15,540 --> 00:53:16,628
AND THE DEMOCRATS TOO.

1453
00:53:16,671 --> 00:53:18,325
IT'S NOT ABOUT DEMOCRATS
AND REPUBLICANS.

1454
00:53:18,369 --> 00:53:21,154
BECAUSE OF THE LANGUAGE
AND THE IMAGES,

1455
00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:23,243
THAT GIVES IT A
POLITICAL SLANT.

1456
00:53:23,287 --> 00:53:24,810
I DON'T THINK THE
ORIGINAL INTENT

1457
00:53:24,853 --> 00:53:28,074
WAS TO DO ANYTHING
BUT TELL A WILD JOKE.

1458
00:53:28,117 --> 00:53:30,685
THERE'S NO ACT
IN ENGLAND THAT AN
ARISTOCRAT WOULDN'T DO...

1459
00:53:32,948 --> 00:53:34,515
IF IT DOESN'T INVOLVE
SHAGGING ANIMALS

1460
00:53:34,559 --> 00:53:37,126
OR FIST-FUCKING
COWS, OR ANYTHING.

1461
00:53:37,170 --> 00:53:40,913
THIS WAS THE EVENING
OF "MONTY PYTHON AND
THE HOLY GRAIL".

1462
00:53:40,956 --> 00:53:43,481
AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S
OUR FRIEND ERIC IDLE,

1463
00:53:43,524 --> 00:53:46,179
GEORGE HARRISON,
AND TERRY GILLIAN.

1464
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:47,833
WE WERE, YOU KNOW,
JUST TELLING JOKES

1465
00:53:47,876 --> 00:53:51,184
AND GEORGE SAID,
"INSTEAD OF 'ARISTOCRAT'
OR 'SOPHISTICATES',

1466
00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:52,316
WE USE 'ROYALTY'."

1467
00:53:53,621 --> 00:53:55,406
WHICH IS AN EVEN
FUNNIER JOKE.

1468
00:53:55,449 --> 00:53:57,103
AN ENGLISH ONE APPARENTLY;
THERE'S "DEBONAIRS"

1469
00:53:57,146 --> 00:53:58,409
BUT THAT DOESN'T
REALLY GRAB ME.

1470
00:53:58,452 --> 00:54:01,499
WHEN I HEARD IT, IT
WAS "THE DEBONAIRS",

1471
00:54:01,542 --> 00:54:03,936
WHICH I THINK
IS EVEN FUNNIER.

1472
00:54:03,979 --> 00:54:05,677
IT HAS A CERTAIN
JE NE SAIS QUOI.

1473
00:54:05,720 --> 00:54:08,288
"THE DEBONAIRS".
I LIKE THAT.

1474
00:54:08,332 --> 00:54:12,336
THE, UH, "THE ARISTOCRATS"
IS PRETTY FUNNY THE MORE
YOU THINK ABOUT IT!

1475
00:54:12,379 --> 00:54:14,686
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
OTHER GUYS ARE TELLING
YOU. I HAVE THE ORIGINAL.

1476
00:54:14,729 --> 00:54:16,383
THE ORIGINAL WAS THAT
PEOPLE WERE SIGNING THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

1477
00:54:16,427 --> 00:54:17,819
THEY WERE GOING TO
HAVE A BIG PARTY.

1478
00:54:17,863 --> 00:54:19,299
THAT'S THE ORIGINAL
WAY IT WAS TOLD.

1479
00:54:19,343 --> 00:54:21,693
I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA. YOU
GO TO INDEPENDENCE HALL,

1480
00:54:21,736 --> 00:54:23,956
YOU SEE THE LIBERTY BELL, THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
AND ALL THAT,

1481
00:54:23,999 --> 00:54:28,874
AND THERE IS, FRAMED,
A SKETCH OF THE ORIGINAL
TELLING OF "THE ARISTOCRAT".

1482
00:54:28,917 --> 00:54:31,093
AND YOU SEE
BEN FRANKLIN LAUGHING

1483
00:54:31,137 --> 00:54:33,400
AND YOU SEE BETSY ROSS
TAKING A DUMP.

1484
00:54:33,444 --> 00:54:35,489
BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL
JOKE, WHEN THEY SLID,

1485
00:54:35,533 --> 00:54:36,664
THROUGH THE SHIT AND VOMIT,

1486
00:54:36,708 --> 00:54:38,231
THEY HIT THE BELL.

1487
00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:39,798
AND THAT'S WHAT
CRACKED THE BELL.

1488
00:54:39,841 --> 00:54:42,757
YOU LOOK AT THE SIGNERS.
THERE'S ONE VERY HEAVY SIGNER.

1489
00:54:42,801 --> 00:54:44,063
HE'S THE ONE THAT
FUCKED UP THE BELL.

1490
00:54:44,106 --> 00:54:45,847
I TOLD THE ORIGINAL.

1491
00:54:45,891 --> 00:54:47,675
YOU WATCH, A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO
TELL THIS "ARISTOCRAT"

1492
00:54:47,719 --> 00:54:49,329
A DIFFERENT WAY,
AND THAT'S FUCKED.

1493
00:54:49,373 --> 00:54:51,157
[ With foreign accent ]
UH... THIS JOKE,

1494
00:54:51,200 --> 00:54:53,464
MY GRANDFATHER
TOLD MY FATHER.

1495
00:54:53,507 --> 00:54:55,292
HE HEARD IT FROM
HIS GRANDFATHER,

1496
00:54:55,335 --> 00:54:56,902
IT GOES ALL THE
WAY BACK, THIS JOKE.

1497
00:54:56,945 --> 00:55:00,340
SOMETIMES AS IT WAS KNOWN AS
"THE TALE OF PUSHTUCHKIN",

1498
00:55:00,384 --> 00:55:02,342
THE, UH, THE GAY RABBI.

1499
00:55:02,386 --> 00:55:03,691
[ Speaking in
foreign language ]

1500
00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:14,441
"VAT IS DAT?"

1501
00:55:14,485 --> 00:55:15,529
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

1502
00:55:19,925 --> 00:55:21,274
[ With foreign accent ]
THERE'S A SIMILAR TALE.

1503
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:22,449
IT GET MIXED UP.

1504
00:55:22,493 --> 00:55:24,886
MY GRANDFATHER TOOK
THIS JOKE SO FAR,

1505
00:55:24,930 --> 00:55:27,846
HIS ENTIRE LIFE,
HE LIVED 67 YEARS,

1506
00:55:27,889 --> 00:55:30,065
ALWAYS IN A CONSTANT
STATE OF THIS JOKE.

1507
00:55:30,109 --> 00:55:31,458
CONSTANT! EAT,
EVERYTHING HE DID:

1508
00:55:31,502 --> 00:55:33,765
MARRIED, CHILDREN,
EVERYTHING.

1509
00:55:33,808 --> 00:55:35,680
IT WAS SET-UP,
SET-UP, SET-UP, SET-UP,

1510
00:55:35,723 --> 00:55:39,379
AND THEN JUST THE MOMENT
HE DIED: PUNCHLINE.

1511
00:55:39,423 --> 00:55:41,425
"WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS
ACT?" "THE ARISTOCRATS."
HE'S DEAD.

1512
00:55:42,164 --> 00:55:43,775
AND YOU KNOW, WE LAUGHED.

1513
00:55:43,818 --> 00:55:45,559
WE SAID, "GRANDPA'S
DEAD. WELL...

1514
00:55:45,603 --> 00:55:47,953
OH, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'.
[ Laughing ]

1515
00:55:47,996 --> 00:55:51,217
I GET IT. ALL OF A
SUDDEN, HIS ENTIRE
LIFE, I GET THIS."

1516
00:55:51,260 --> 00:55:53,872
WE THOUGHT, AND WE WERE
RIGHT, THAT HE WAS CRAZY.

1517
00:55:53,915 --> 00:55:55,874
BUT HE WILL... NO
ONE WILL TOP HIM.

1518
00:55:55,917 --> 00:55:59,834
NO ONE WILL TOP THIS
GUY, UNCLE YANUSH.

1519
00:55:59,878 --> 00:56:01,401
MY GRANDFATHER'S
UNCLE'S YAN...

1520
00:56:01,445 --> 00:56:03,360
SEE THAT'S BAD
IMPROV RIGHT THERE.

1521
00:56:03,403 --> 00:56:05,536
MY GRANDFATHER,
UNCLE YANUSH.

1522
00:56:05,579 --> 00:56:09,670
I REMEMBER BEING
AT SCHOOL, AND I
REMEMBER GOING HOME,

1523
00:56:09,714 --> 00:56:12,760
AND MY GRANDMOTHER
SITTING ME DOWN AND
TELLING ME THE JOKE.

1524
00:56:12,804 --> 00:56:15,197
SHE'S FROM, UH, POLAND,
SO SHE ONLY SPOKE YIDDISH.

1525
00:56:15,241 --> 00:56:17,374
THE ONLY ENGLISH WORD
SHE KNEW WAS 'CUNT'.

1526
00:56:17,417 --> 00:56:19,376
I REMEMBER "CUNT",

1527
00:56:19,419 --> 00:56:22,901
AND I REMEMBER HER SAYING,
"EAT, EAT," AND...

1528
00:56:22,944 --> 00:56:24,119
AND "CUNT".

1529
00:56:25,904 --> 00:56:27,253
YOU KNOW, NOW THAT
I THINK BACK ON IT,

1530
00:56:27,296 --> 00:56:29,821
IT'S PROBABLY WRONG.

1531
00:56:29,864 --> 00:56:32,519
Carrie Fisher:
THERE WAS THIS STORY MY
MOTHER USED TO TELL ME:

1532
00:56:32,563 --> 00:56:35,566
THERE WAS A GOAT IN "TAMMY"

1533
00:56:35,609 --> 00:56:38,351
THAT MY FATHER GOT
VERY INVOLVED WITH

1534
00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:39,787
WHILE HE WAS WORKING.

1535
00:56:39,831 --> 00:56:41,267
THEY WENT ON THE
ROAD WITH THIS ACT.

1536
00:56:41,310 --> 00:56:44,444
MY FATHER WAS BLOWING
THIS GOAT OVER AT MGM,

1537
00:56:44,488 --> 00:56:46,315
AND MY MOTHER
WALKED IN ON THEM,

1538
00:56:46,359 --> 00:56:48,056
AND MY MOTHER JUST
THOUGHT THAT WAS ADORABLE.

1539
00:56:49,580 --> 00:56:52,017
MY MOTHER'S A
GOLDEN-SHOWER QUEEN.

1540
00:56:52,060 --> 00:56:54,062
THE ORIGINAL MOVIE OF
"SINGING IN THE RAIN"

1541
00:56:54,106 --> 00:56:56,935
WAS A HUGE GOLDEN-
SHOWER EXTRAVAGANZA,

1542
00:56:56,978 --> 00:56:58,676
BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY
GET PAST THE CENSORS

1543
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:01,592
WHICH IS A SHAME,
BECAUSE THERE WERE
SOME WONDERFUL NUMBERS

1544
00:57:01,635 --> 00:57:03,985
WITH MICKEY ROONEY, UH...

1545
00:57:04,029 --> 00:57:06,379
WHO IS HUGE WITH...
WITH FISTING.

1546
00:57:06,423 --> 00:57:07,902
YOU KNOW, IN THE
EARLY DAYS IN HOLLYWOOD

1547
00:57:07,946 --> 00:57:09,556
IT WAS COMPLETELY ACCEPTED.

1548
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:11,645
I ALWAYS LOVE SHOW-
BUSINESS JOKES,

1549
00:57:11,689 --> 00:57:13,691
THESE ONES THAT SEEM
A LITTLE MORE INSIDE.

1550
00:57:13,734 --> 00:57:15,867
AND IN A VERY SORT OF
TWISTED, WARPED WAY,

1551
00:57:15,910 --> 00:57:18,478
THIS DISGUSTING, FOUL JOKE

1552
00:57:18,522 --> 00:57:21,525
IS A JOKE ABOUT THE SWEET
OLD DAYS OF SHOW BUSINESS.

1553
00:57:21,568 --> 00:57:24,136
[ Imitating Liza Minnelli ]
IN MY SHOW, I'M GOING TO
SIT ON TOP OF THE PIANO,

1554
00:57:24,179 --> 00:57:26,443
AND FIT THE WHOLE
THING IN MY VAGINA.

1555
00:57:26,486 --> 00:57:29,054
THE PERCUSSIONIST, I LOVE
THAT WORD, PERCUSSIONIST,

1556
00:57:29,097 --> 00:57:30,577
IS GOING TO TAKE
HIS TRIANGLE,

1557
00:57:30,621 --> 00:57:32,274
PUT IT IN FRONT
OF MY TRIANGLE,

1558
00:57:32,318 --> 00:57:34,581
AND CLING-A-LING-A-
LING WITH THE TROLLEY

1559
00:57:34,625 --> 00:57:36,365
JUST THE WAY
MOMMA SANG IT.

1560
00:57:36,409 --> 00:57:39,368
AND THEN I'M GOING TO TAKE
THE BANGER TO THE TRIANGLE

1561
00:57:39,412 --> 00:57:42,720
AND CLING-A-LANG IT UNTIL
MY CLITORIS SWELLS UP

1562
00:57:42,763 --> 00:57:45,940
INTO A LARGE, MACY'S-
DAY-PARADE BALLOON.

1563
00:57:45,984 --> 00:57:48,203
I'M GOING TO TAKE IT
AND STRETCH IT OUT,

1564
00:57:48,247 --> 00:57:50,075
AND I'M GOING TO WRAP IT
AROUND THE MICROPHONE CORD,

1565
00:57:50,118 --> 00:57:53,252
AND FLING OVER MY SHOULDER
THE WAY MOMMA USED TO DO,

1566
00:57:53,295 --> 00:57:56,385
AS I'M SINGING:
♪ WHAT'LL I HAVE

1567
00:57:56,429 --> 00:57:58,910
♪ THAT I DON'T HAVE?
[ Voice fades ]

1568
00:57:58,953 --> 00:58:00,389
WHERE'D THAT NOTE GO?

1569
00:58:00,433 --> 00:58:02,391
AND THEN THE REST OF THE
BAND'S GOING TO JUMP UP,

1570
00:58:02,435 --> 00:58:03,741
AND WE'RE GOING TO SING:

1571
00:58:03,784 --> 00:58:07,919
♪ SHINE YOUR SHOES,
SHINE YOUR SHOES ♪

1572
00:58:07,962 --> 00:58:10,530
AND I'M GOING TO SHINE MY
SHOES WITH MY VAGINA JUICES,

1573
00:58:10,574 --> 00:58:12,401
PUT THEM BACK ON,
TAP, TAP, TAP,

1574
00:58:12,445 --> 00:58:14,142
DO A SPLIT, AND
THAT'S THE ACT.

1575
00:58:14,186 --> 00:58:15,100
I'M GOING TO CALL IT...

1576
00:58:16,841 --> 00:58:18,538
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

1577
00:58:20,758 --> 00:58:21,585
ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?

1578
00:58:23,848 --> 00:58:26,111
THIS IS A JOKE THAT'S
PRETTY MUCH EXCLUSIVE
TO SHOW BUSINESS,

1579
00:58:26,154 --> 00:58:27,895
YOU NEVER HEAR A
PHYSICIST GOING,

1580
00:58:27,939 --> 00:58:30,289
"IT'S A MUON, YOU CUNT!"

1581
00:58:30,332 --> 00:58:32,204
AND NOW I HAVE A JOKE
FOR YOU VERY SIMILAR

1582
00:58:32,247 --> 00:58:33,771
TO "THAT'S WHY THE GROUP
IS CALLED ARISTOCRATS".

1583
00:58:33,814 --> 00:58:36,077
IN A SHOW BUSINESS
THEME WITH A NICE TURN.

1584
00:58:36,121 --> 00:58:39,516
THERE'S AN AUDITION
FOR A PIANO PLAYER AT
A VERY EXCLUSIVE BAR,

1585
00:58:39,559 --> 00:58:41,561
AND A GUY SHOWS UP AND THE
OWNER OF THE CLUB SAYS,

1586
00:58:41,605 --> 00:58:43,955
"LISTEN, THIS IS A VERY,
VERY EXCLUSIVE PLACE.

1587
00:58:43,998 --> 00:58:46,174
I'D LIKE YOU TO BE ABLE
TO PLAY ALL DIFFERENT
STYLES OF MUSIC,

1588
00:58:46,218 --> 00:58:48,655
BUT THEY HAVE TO BE VERY
CLASSY." AND THE GUY SAYS,
"I CAN DO ANYTHING."

1589
00:58:48,699 --> 00:58:50,135
THE GUY PLAYS THE PIANO.
IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

1590
00:58:50,178 --> 00:58:51,745
SONG THE OWNER EVER
HEARD IN HIS LIFE.

1591
00:58:51,789 --> 00:58:53,442
HE SAYS, "THAT'S GREAT.
I'VE NEVER HEARD
THAT SONG BEFORE."

1592
00:58:53,486 --> 00:58:54,966
AND HE GOES, "WELL,
IT'S AN ORIGINAL.
I WROTE IT MYSELF."

1593
00:58:55,009 --> 00:58:56,707
HE GOES, "OH REALLY,
UH, WHAT'S IT CALLED?"

1594
00:58:56,750 --> 00:58:59,100
AND HE SAYS IT'S
CALLED "MY DOG WAS
FUCKING ME IN THE ASS

1595
00:58:59,144 --> 00:59:00,885
WHILE MY CAT WAS
LICKING MY BALLS."

1596
00:59:00,928 --> 00:59:03,365
"WELL, THAT'S, UH...
REALLY AWFUL. DO YOU
HAVE ANY OTHER SONGS?"

1597
00:59:03,409 --> 00:59:05,803
"YOU KNOW WHAT? I
HAVE A WONDERFUL THING
I'LL PLAY FOR YOU."

1598
00:59:05,846 --> 00:59:07,631
HE PLAYS THIS KIND
OF JAZZY TUNE,

1599
00:59:07,674 --> 00:59:10,155
AND THEY SAY, "OH THAT
WAS GREAT! WHAT WAS
THAT?" AND HE SAYS...

1600
00:59:10,198 --> 00:59:11,983
"I ATE YOUR SISTER'S
BLOODY TAMPON."

1601
00:59:12,026 --> 00:59:14,551
HE SAYS, "HEY! IT'S A
CLASSY PLACE, PLEASE!

1602
00:59:14,594 --> 00:59:16,596
NO MORE OF THAT." HE
GOES, "OH, FINE, FINE."

1603
00:59:16,640 --> 00:59:18,772
"YOU KNOW, I REALLY
LIKE YOUR SONGS. I
WANT TO HIRE YOU,

1604
00:59:18,816 --> 00:59:20,382
SO GO AHEAD AND PLAY FOR
MY CUSTOMERS, BUT JUST

1605
00:59:20,426 --> 00:59:22,515
DON'T TELL THEM ANY
NAMES OF YOUR SONGS."

1606
00:59:22,559 --> 00:59:24,169
HE GOES, "OKAY, THAT'S
ALL RIGHT." JUST THAT NIGHT,
HE STARTS PLAYING THE PIANO.

1607
00:59:24,212 --> 00:59:25,866
THE CROWD GOES CRAZY,
STANDING OVATION.

1608
00:59:25,910 --> 00:59:27,389
THEY NEVER HEARD
ANYTHING LIKE IT. THE
SONGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

1609
00:59:27,433 --> 00:59:29,087
AFTER ABOUT AN
HOUR HE SAYS...

1610
00:59:29,130 --> 00:59:30,697
"JUST GIVE ME A BREAK,
I GOT TO GO TO THE...
GO TO THE CAN."

1611
00:59:30,741 --> 00:59:32,090
SO HE LEAVES, HE
GOES TO THE BATHROOM,

1612
00:59:32,133 --> 00:59:34,440
ON HIS WAY OUT HE FORGETS
TO ZIP UP HIS PANTS.

1613
00:59:34,483 --> 00:59:36,137
AND SOMEBODY SEES
HIM AND SAYS, "HEY,

1614
00:59:36,181 --> 00:59:37,704
YOU KNOW YOUR ZIPPER'S
UNDONE AND YOUR DICK'S
HANGING OUT."

1615
00:59:37,748 --> 00:59:38,966
HE SAYS...
Both:
"KNOW IT? I WROTE IT!"

1616
00:59:42,143 --> 00:59:45,233
THAT'S WHAT A GROUP
OF ENTERTAINERS
HAVE IN COMMON.

1617
00:59:45,277 --> 00:59:47,322
THEY UNDERSTAND THAT
THEY'VE SEEN SHITTY ACTS.

1618
00:59:47,366 --> 00:59:50,587
THE WORST BAR BAND
IN SHITSVILLE, OHIO,

1619
00:59:50,630 --> 00:59:52,937
ALWAYS HAVE A
GLORIOUS NAME

1620
00:59:52,980 --> 00:59:56,070
LIKE THE INCREDIBLE
DIAMOND-STUDDED,
UH, REEFERTONES.

1621
00:59:56,114 --> 00:59:58,464
IT'S DONE IN EVERY
ASPECT OF LIFE.

1622
00:59:58,507 --> 01:00:01,815
YOU KNOW, YOU'LL
SEE A LITTLE RUNDOWN,
GREASY-SPOON DINER

1623
01:00:01,859 --> 01:00:03,948
CALLING ITSELF
"THE GOURMET CORNER".

1624
01:00:03,991 --> 01:00:06,211
BESIDES FROM THE
HUMOUR OF THE JOKE,

1625
01:00:06,254 --> 01:00:08,474
THERE'S A SADNESS
THAT THESE PEOPLE

1626
01:00:08,517 --> 01:00:12,652
HAD NO SELF-REALIZATION
THAT WHAT THEIR ACT WAS

1627
01:00:12,696 --> 01:00:14,349
WOULD GET THEM
ABSOLUTELY NO PLACE,

1628
01:00:14,393 --> 01:00:17,396
YET THEY CALL THEMSELVES
"THE ARISTOCRATS"

1629
01:00:17,439 --> 01:00:21,879
BECAUSE THEY'RE CLINGING
TO THE VERY LAST VESTIGE
OF RESPECTABILITY.

1630
01:00:21,922 --> 01:00:24,446
ABSOLUTELY NO CLASS,
ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE,

1631
01:00:24,490 --> 01:00:28,059
BUT THEY ARE IN
SHOW BUSINESS AND
THEY ARE ARISTOCRATS.

1632
01:00:28,102 --> 01:00:31,845
I DON'T PUT
"THE ARISTOCRATS" ON MY
RESUME ANY MORE, YOU KNOW?

1633
01:00:31,889 --> 01:00:33,673
IT DOESN'T TAKE
AWAY FROM...

1634
01:00:33,717 --> 01:00:34,935
LIKE, MY PRIDE.

1635
01:00:34,979 --> 01:00:38,504
I ACTUALLY WAS
AN ARISTOCRAT.

1636
01:00:38,547 --> 01:00:41,855
IT'S KIND OF WEIRD TO BE
A PART OF THAT LEGEND.

1637
01:00:41,899 --> 01:00:45,946
IT WAS MY MOM, MY DAD, ME,
MY BROTHER AND MY NANA.

1638
01:00:45,990 --> 01:00:47,731
MY FATHER WOULD
COME OUT ON STAGE,

1639
01:00:47,774 --> 01:00:49,080
THE MUSIC WOULD PLAY,

1640
01:00:49,123 --> 01:00:51,256
AND HE WOULD
START MASTURBATING.

1641
01:00:51,299 --> 01:00:53,258
MY BROTHER COMES OUT.

1642
01:00:53,301 --> 01:00:55,477
THEY'D DO A... LIKE,
A MUTUAL MASTURBATION,

1643
01:00:55,521 --> 01:00:57,131
KIND OF LIKE A
DUELLING BANJOS.

1644
01:00:57,175 --> 01:00:59,481
THEY'RE HOLDING
HANDS AND THEY SPIN.

1645
01:00:59,525 --> 01:01:02,049
I STAY IN A
STATIONARY POSITION

1646
01:01:02,093 --> 01:01:04,051
WHEN THE ASSHOLES COME BY,

1647
01:01:04,095 --> 01:01:06,488
AND I LICK THE ASSHOLES.

1648
01:01:06,532 --> 01:01:10,623
AND IN ONE MOTION, MY
MOTHER... BOTH PINKIES
UP THEIR ASSHOLES

1649
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:12,494
AS THEY CUM;
IT'S PRETTY...

1650
01:01:12,538 --> 01:01:14,235
IT'S PRETTY SPECTACULAR.

1651
01:01:14,279 --> 01:01:15,584
AND IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.

1652
01:01:16,629 --> 01:01:18,239
LIKE, ON ONE LEVEL

1653
01:01:18,283 --> 01:01:22,113
IT'S A JOKE ABOUT
SCATOLOGICAL HUMOUR
AND SHOW BUSINESS,

1654
01:01:22,156 --> 01:01:25,159
BUT ON ANOTHER LEVEL,
IT'S ABOUT A FAMILY.

1655
01:01:25,203 --> 01:01:28,685
IT'S ABOUT THE HOPES AND
DREAMS OF THAT FAMILY.

1656
01:01:28,728 --> 01:01:30,295
MY BROTHER HAS
DOWN SYNDROME.

1657
01:01:30,338 --> 01:01:31,296
DID I SAY THAT?

1658
01:01:32,993 --> 01:01:34,081
PEOPLE MIGHT THINK
IT'S A SETBACK,

1659
01:01:34,125 --> 01:01:36,693
BUT REALLY, IT'S
A SELLING POINT.

1660
01:01:36,736 --> 01:01:40,479
IT'S NOT A HANDICAP.
I DON'T WANT TO
SAY IT'S A GIFT.

1661
01:01:40,522 --> 01:01:43,569
AND WE THINK IT AS
A GIFT JUST IN TERMS
OF TICKET SALES,

1662
01:01:43,612 --> 01:01:48,748
BUT I MEAN, WE THINK
OF IT AS SHOWING
THE OTHER BEAUTIES

1663
01:01:48,792 --> 01:01:52,752
THAT GOD CREATES,
LIKE, THE ONES WITH
THE BIGGER FOREHEADS

1664
01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:56,103
AND THE LOWER EYELIDS.

1665
01:01:56,147 --> 01:01:57,148
Interviewer:
THEY EVER ASK

1666
01:01:57,191 --> 01:01:58,366
YOU TO BE ON "THE
TONIGHT SHOW"?

1667
01:01:58,410 --> 01:01:59,977
NOT "THE TONIGHT SHOW",

1668
01:02:00,020 --> 01:02:02,806
BUT JOE FRANKLIN LOVED
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

1669
01:02:02,849 --> 01:02:05,156
HE WAS, LIKE, OUR
REHEARSAL DIRECTOR

1670
01:02:05,199 --> 01:02:08,333
WHEN DAD AND MY
BROTHER WEREN'T THERE,
AND MY MOTHER...

1671
01:02:10,596 --> 01:02:11,945
AND MY NANA,
WEREN'T THERE.

1672
01:02:14,861 --> 01:02:16,950
I WAS ON HIS SHOW.

1673
01:02:16,994 --> 01:02:20,084
HE SAID IT WASN'T
A TAPED SHOW, UM...

1674
01:02:20,127 --> 01:02:22,956
BUT WE... WE,
LIKE, DID A SHOW.

1675
01:02:26,830 --> 01:02:29,049
Interviewer:
LIKE, IN HIS
APARTMENT?

1676
01:02:29,093 --> 01:02:31,008
YEAH, IT WAS HIS OFFICE.

1677
01:02:31,051 --> 01:02:33,924
BUT HE HAD A...
UM... BED IN IT. HUH.

1678
01:02:33,967 --> 01:02:39,973
LIKE A COUCH THAT HE
CALLED UNCLE JOE'S BED
FOR LITTLE PEOPLE,

1679
01:02:40,017 --> 01:02:42,584
'CAUSE A COUCH IS
LIKE A BED FOR LITTLE
PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

1680
01:02:50,375 --> 01:02:51,680
JOE FRANKLIN RAPED ME.

1681
01:02:56,120 --> 01:02:57,643
COMEDIANS OFTEN
FEEL LIKE,

1682
01:02:57,686 --> 01:03:01,168
"I AM THIS WEIRD,
TWISTED, STRANGE PERSON,

1683
01:03:01,212 --> 01:03:03,867
SOMEWHERE NEAR THE OUTER
REACHES OF THE BELL CURVE,

1684
01:03:03,910 --> 01:03:07,174
TRYING SOMEHOW TO
PACKAGE THIS IN A WAY

1685
01:03:07,218 --> 01:03:11,048
THAT CONFERS UPON ME
SOME KIND OF DIGNITY
AND RESPECT."

1686
01:03:11,091 --> 01:03:13,267
MAYBE THAT'S THE
REASON THAT THIS
JOKE IS SO APPEALING.

1687
01:03:13,311 --> 01:03:15,182
I DON'T... I'M...
I'VE PLAYED BY
THEIR RULES

1688
01:03:15,226 --> 01:03:16,357
FOR A REALLY
LONG TIME AND I

1689
01:03:16,401 --> 01:03:17,794
DON'T WANT TO
DO IT ANY MORE.

1690
01:03:17,837 --> 01:03:19,317
I MEAN, WHAT ARE
THEY GOING TO DO?
LIKE, PREVENT ME

1691
01:03:19,360 --> 01:03:21,232
FROM DOING A SHOW
WITH THE OLSEN TWINS?

1692
01:03:21,275 --> 01:03:22,799
AND I THINK YOU'RE ALL
SKIRTING AROUND THIS.

1693
01:03:22,842 --> 01:03:25,845
I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD
ALL BE ARISTOCRATS.

1694
01:03:25,889 --> 01:03:28,587
THE AUDIENCE, ALL OF US
SHOULD BE ARISTOCRATS.

1695
01:03:28,630 --> 01:03:31,329
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
CONTRACTED INTO THIS
PURITANICAL IDEA

1696
01:03:31,372 --> 01:03:32,939
THAT WE HAVE TO GET
MARRIED WHEN WE'RE YOUNG

1697
01:03:32,983 --> 01:03:35,202
AND WE CAN'T FUCK
BOYS AND FUCK GIRLS.

1698
01:03:35,246 --> 01:03:36,029
WE CAN DO IT ALL.

1699
01:03:36,073 --> 01:03:37,988
STARFISH ARE BI.

1700
01:03:38,031 --> 01:03:40,207
YOU EVER SEEN A STARFISH
EAT OUT ANOTHER STARFISH?

1701
01:03:40,251 --> 01:03:41,861
IT TAKES FOREVER.
THEY DO IT.

1702
01:03:41,905 --> 01:03:44,168
CLOSE THE COMEDY CLUBS
AND OPEN UP BROTHELS

1703
01:03:44,211 --> 01:03:45,952
AND BATH HOUSES,
GLORY-HOLES.

1704
01:03:45,996 --> 01:03:47,127
THIS IS WHAT THIS
COUNTRY NEEDS.

1705
01:03:47,171 --> 01:03:49,869
IT NEEDS A REALLY
TIGHT ORGASM.

1706
01:03:49,913 --> 01:03:51,828
YOU KNOW, I'M AN ACTOR, I
WAS IN A LOT OF TV SHOWS.

1707
01:03:51,871 --> 01:03:53,264
AND I WENT TO
THIS ORGY ONCE

1708
01:03:53,307 --> 01:03:54,439
AND I FUCKED ALL
THESE PEOPLE,

1709
01:03:54,482 --> 01:03:56,397
AND SOMEBODY
WHISPERED IN MY EAR,

1710
01:03:56,441 --> 01:03:58,878
"YOU WERE GREAT
ON 'FRIENDS'."

1711
01:03:58,922 --> 01:04:00,445
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO HAVE MARY HART

1712
01:04:00,488 --> 01:04:02,534
TALK ABOUT THAT WITH ME.

1713
01:04:02,577 --> 01:04:05,798
I JUST WANT TO TAKE
AN APPROACH TO THE
JOKE IN MY WAY.

1714
01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:07,408
I'M THE AGENT AND
I'M PITCHING IT, OKAY?

1715
01:04:07,452 --> 01:04:10,498
SO, THIS VERY
ATHLETIC BLONDE MAN

1716
01:04:10,542 --> 01:04:13,371
WALKS ONTO THE STAGE
IN A LEATHER SPEEDO.

1717
01:04:13,414 --> 01:04:16,156
HE HAS THIS SLIGHTLY
SADISTIC NATURE ABOUT HIM.

1718
01:04:16,200 --> 01:04:18,463
AND HE HAS THIS
FINE, FINE BABY HAIR

1719
01:04:18,506 --> 01:04:21,161
ALL OVER THESE VERY
STEELY PECTORAL MUSCLES.

1720
01:04:21,205 --> 01:04:22,467
HE HAS LIKE, A
TREASURE TRAIL

1721
01:04:22,510 --> 01:04:24,251
THAT GOES DOWN TO
HEAVY-CUT MAN MEAT.

1722
01:04:24,295 --> 01:04:26,297
LIKE, AN 11-BY-7 COCK.

1723
01:04:26,340 --> 01:04:27,689
HE'S A HORSE-HUNG GUY.

1724
01:04:27,733 --> 01:04:29,213
THIS CHICK WALKS UP
WITH THIS ROCKET BODY

1725
01:04:29,256 --> 01:04:30,867
AND THIS ARTIFICIAL RACK,

1726
01:04:30,910 --> 01:04:32,738
AND SHE LOOKS LIKE
CARMEN ELECTRA,
ONLY BETTER.

1727
01:04:32,781 --> 01:04:34,218
AND SHE STARTS GENTLY
RUBBING HER PUSSY.

1728
01:04:34,261 --> 01:04:36,873
THIS SUBMISSIVE
SISSY BOY COMES OUT

1729
01:04:36,916 --> 01:04:38,178
AND POINTS AT THE
DICK AND SAYS,

1730
01:04:38,222 --> 01:04:40,354
"I WANT THAT COCK TO
BUST MY VIRGIN ASS."

1731
01:04:40,398 --> 01:04:42,400
THE CHICK STRAPS
ON THIS DILDO

1732
01:04:42,443 --> 01:04:44,402
AND HAS THIS REALLY
CHALLENGING, INTENSE
EXPRESSION ON HER FACE

1733
01:04:44,445 --> 01:04:46,360
AND SAYS, "LET ME."

1734
01:04:46,404 --> 01:04:49,581
SHE STARTS RUBBING HIM
IN A VERY SPIRITUALLY
CENTRED WAY.

1735
01:04:49,624 --> 01:04:52,540
LITTLE SISSY BOY IS
OBVIOUSLY DEMANDING
PUSSY BOTTOM.

1736
01:04:52,584 --> 01:04:55,108
HE TILTS HIS
ASS UP... GENTLY.

1737
01:04:55,152 --> 01:04:56,457
SHE STARTS EATING HIS ASS,

1738
01:04:56,501 --> 01:04:58,155
GIVING HIM THIS
RIM-JOB ROYALE,

1739
01:04:58,198 --> 01:04:59,330
AS THEY WOULD SAY
IN "PULP FICTION".

1740
01:04:59,373 --> 01:05:00,722
THE BIG HORSE-HUNG DICK

1741
01:05:00,766 --> 01:05:01,941
IS NOW GOING IN THE
PUSSY BOY'S MOUTH.

1742
01:05:01,985 --> 01:05:03,987
HE'S GETTING FACE-FUCKED.

1743
01:05:04,030 --> 01:05:05,989
THE GIRL TAKES HIS
COCK AND SLIDES IT
INTO HER PUSSY

1744
01:05:06,032 --> 01:05:07,860
BUT WHAT SHE... AND
THIS IS GOING TO BE
IN THE PROGRAMME,

1745
01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:09,209
LIKE LINER NOTES,

1746
01:05:09,253 --> 01:05:12,082
THAT THE GIRL HAS TRAINED
IN THAT FINE GEISHA WAY,

1747
01:05:12,125 --> 01:05:13,605
WHERE THE PUSSY
WOULD CONTRACT

1748
01:05:13,648 --> 01:05:15,868
TO MAKE HER VAGINA
PULL UP ON THAT COCK.

1749
01:05:15,912 --> 01:05:17,870
WHEN YOU ARE SHOOTING,

1750
01:05:17,914 --> 01:05:20,438
IT IS LIKE, YANKING IT.

1751
01:05:20,481 --> 01:05:21,918
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE'S
EVER HAD THAT HAPPEN,

1752
01:05:21,961 --> 01:05:23,441
BUT IT'S WILD.

1753
01:05:23,484 --> 01:05:26,618
AND SHE IS TAKING, LIKE,
A HUGE FUCKING HORSE-LOAD,

1754
01:05:26,661 --> 01:05:28,533
AND IT'S CALLED
"THE MISOGYCRATS".

1755
01:05:32,711 --> 01:05:34,887
THIS JOKE HOLDS A
MIRROR UP TO ITSELF.

1756
01:05:34,931 --> 01:05:36,715
[ Laughter ]
THE PEOPLE WHO...

1757
01:05:36,758 --> 01:05:38,978
WHO SAY THE JOKE
MUST CONTAIN SHIT?

1758
01:05:39,022 --> 01:05:40,588
DON'T INVITE THEM
INTO YOUR HOME.

1759
01:05:40,632 --> 01:05:43,678
THE PEOPLE WHO SAY IT...
MUST INVOLVE BESTIALITY?

1760
01:05:43,722 --> 01:05:45,289
DON'T LET THEM
NEAR YOUR DOG.

1761
01:05:45,332 --> 01:05:47,160
THIS TELLS YOU A LOT
ABOUT A PERSON, THIS JOKE.

1762
01:05:47,204 --> 01:05:50,294
IT'S WHERE YOUR DARKEST
PLACE CAN GO, YOU KNOW?

1763
01:05:50,337 --> 01:05:53,645
IN A WAY, THIS
JOKE REALLY ISN'T
ALL THAT RELEVANT.

1764
01:05:53,688 --> 01:05:56,039
STANDARDS OF OFFENSIVE
CHANGE OVER TIME.

1765
01:05:56,082 --> 01:05:58,215
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S
QUITE A TAME JOKE NOW.

1766
01:05:58,258 --> 01:05:59,694
THERE'S SOMETHING QUITE
CHARMING ABOUT IT,

1767
01:05:59,738 --> 01:06:01,174
WHICH IS WEIRD, ISN'T IT?

1768
01:06:01,218 --> 01:06:03,176
"I HAVE GOT THE
PERFECT FAMILY ACT."

1769
01:06:03,220 --> 01:06:04,525
HE GOES, "GO
AHEAD, TELL ME."

1770
01:06:04,569 --> 01:06:05,744
HE GOES, "MY WIFE
AND I GO OUT,

1771
01:06:05,787 --> 01:06:07,006
WE SING AND DANCE,
WE FUCK EACH OTHER.

1772
01:06:07,050 --> 01:06:08,312
THE KIDS COME OUT,
THEY SING AND DANCE,

1773
01:06:08,355 --> 01:06:09,878
WE FUCK THE KIDS, THE
KIDS FUCK EACH OTHER.

1774
01:06:09,922 --> 01:06:12,185
DOG COMES OUT; HE SHITS,
HE PISSES ON ALL OF US.

1775
01:06:12,229 --> 01:06:14,013
HE LICKS IT UP, JUMPS
THROUGH A HOOP."

1776
01:06:14,057 --> 01:06:15,319
GUY SAYS, "WHAT DO
YOU CALL THE ACT?"

1777
01:06:15,362 --> 01:06:16,624
HE GOES,
"THE ARISTOCRATS."

1778
01:06:16,668 --> 01:06:17,930
AGENT GOES, "I ALREADY
HAVE AN ACT LIKE THAT."

1779
01:06:19,410 --> 01:06:20,672
THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO SHOW BUSINESS.

1780
01:06:20,715 --> 01:06:22,021
NO MATTER WHAT YOU...
YOU COULD COME OUT,

1781
01:06:22,065 --> 01:06:24,371
FUCK THE KIDS, FUCK
THE DOG, DOESN'T MATTER.

1782
01:06:24,415 --> 01:06:25,720
"WELL, I'VE ALREADY
SEEN THAT."

1783
01:06:25,764 --> 01:06:27,374
THAT'S NOT REALLY A
JOKE ANY MORE. THAT...

1784
01:06:27,418 --> 01:06:29,986
THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY...

1785
01:06:30,029 --> 01:06:31,465
GREAT IDEA TO
PITCH TO A NETWORK.

1786
01:06:31,509 --> 01:06:33,772
I COULD WALK IN
TO NBC TOMORROW,

1787
01:06:33,815 --> 01:06:36,296
SAY, "I HAVE A
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY IDEA,

1788
01:06:36,340 --> 01:06:39,256
SO DYSFUNCTIONAL, IT
DEFIES DESCRIPTION.

1789
01:06:39,299 --> 01:06:41,867
WE HAVE PEOPLE
FUCKING AND SUCKING,
BLOWING ARMADILLOS;

1790
01:06:41,910 --> 01:06:44,043
DIDDLING LIKE AN
11-YEAR-OLD CHEERLEADER;

1791
01:06:44,087 --> 01:06:46,176
WE COULD BRING IN PEOPLE
FROM THE PAST 'CAUSE
THEY CAN DO THAT NOW.

1792
01:06:46,219 --> 01:06:47,438
YOU KNOW, THEY GET
THOSE IDIOTIC ADS,

1793
01:06:47,481 --> 01:06:48,874
HUMPHREY BOGART AND ALL
THAT OTHER BULLSHIT.

1794
01:06:48,917 --> 01:06:50,745
GET YOUR FUCKING MAJOR
WORLD LEADERS OF THE PAST,

1795
01:06:50,789 --> 01:06:52,008
LIKE HITLER AND MUSSOLINI.

1796
01:06:52,051 --> 01:06:53,574
GENGHIS KHAN,
FOR GOD'S SAKES.

1797
01:06:53,618 --> 01:06:54,880
I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT
AND THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

1798
01:06:54,923 --> 01:06:57,274
IT'S NOT A JOKE.
THIS WOULD GO ON TV.

1799
01:06:57,317 --> 01:06:59,580
AND WE BLOW HITLER, AND
THEN IN THE NEXT EPISODE,

1800
01:06:59,624 --> 01:07:02,192
WE BITE HIS DICK OFF.
HA-HA! SEE WHAT HAPPENS
TO HITLER'S DICK.

1801
01:07:02,235 --> 01:07:04,063
THEY'LL BE TURNING
IT ON. PHENOMENAL."

1802
01:07:04,107 --> 01:07:05,847
IT'S A FAMILY ACT.
BUT IT'S A...

1803
01:07:05,891 --> 01:07:08,502
IT'S A TWIST 'CAUSE
THEY'RE RETARDED.

1804
01:07:08,546 --> 01:07:10,809
AND WHAT THEY DO IS
THEY GET ON A PILE
OF DEAD DUNS

1805
01:07:10,852 --> 01:07:12,115
AND THEY FUCK
EACH OTHER,

1806
01:07:12,158 --> 01:07:13,377
AND THEN THEY
HAVE A BIG CLOSING

1807
01:07:13,420 --> 01:07:16,075
WHERE THEY FIST-FUCK
AN AUTISTIC PRE-TEEN.

1808
01:07:16,119 --> 01:07:18,686
AND THE AGENT SAYS, "WELL,
WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?"

1809
01:07:18,730 --> 01:07:21,689
AND HE SAYS,
"THE OSBOURNES."
[ Laughing ]

1810
01:07:21,733 --> 01:07:23,822
A LOT OF WHAT
IS ALREADY
ON TV NOW,

1811
01:07:23,865 --> 01:07:25,258
THEY WOULD HAVE
THE DOG-FUCKING

1812
01:07:25,302 --> 01:07:28,000
AND THE SHIT-EATING
ON, YOU KNOW...

1813
01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:29,610
"FRIENDS".
ON... NOT ON "FRIENDS",

1814
01:07:29,654 --> 01:07:31,525
BUT ON... BUT
ON "SOUTH PARK".

1815
01:07:31,569 --> 01:07:33,353
YOU GUYS WANT TO
HEAR A FUNNY JOKE
MY GRANDPA TOLD ME?

1816
01:07:33,397 --> 01:07:34,702
NO.
OKAY.

1817
01:07:34,746 --> 01:07:36,704
SO THIS FAMILY WALKS
INTO A TALENT AGENCY.

1818
01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:38,619
IT'S A MOTHER, FATHER,
THEIR SON AND DAUGHTER,

1819
01:07:38,663 --> 01:07:40,099
AND A LITTLE BABY.
THE FATHER SAYS,

1820
01:07:40,143 --> 01:07:42,145
"SIR, OUR FAMILY
HAS AN AMAZING ACT."

1821
01:07:42,188 --> 01:07:44,408
AND THE TALENT AGENT
SAYS, "SORRY, WE DON'T
SIGN FAMILY ACTS.

1822
01:07:44,451 --> 01:07:46,105
THEY'RE TOO CUTESY
BUT THEN THE MOTHER GOES,

1823
01:07:46,149 --> 01:07:47,498
"PLEASE, SIR, IF YOU
JUST GIVE US TWO MINUTES,

1824
01:07:47,541 --> 01:07:49,239
WE KNOW YOU'LL
LIKE OUR ACT.

1825
01:07:49,282 --> 01:07:51,458
SO THE TALENT AGENT
SAYS, "ALL RIGHT,
YOU'VE GOT TWO MINUTES."

1826
01:07:51,502 --> 01:07:54,331
THE FAMILY JUMPS RIGHT
INTO IT. THRILLING CIRCUS
MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY

1827
01:07:54,374 --> 01:07:56,463
AS THE FATHER SPINS
HIS DAUGHTER AROUND,
BENDS HER OVER,

1828
01:07:56,507 --> 01:07:57,682
LIFTS UP HER SKIRT
AND STARTS LICKING

1829
01:07:57,725 --> 01:07:59,336
HER ASSHOLE.
WHAT?

1830
01:07:59,379 --> 01:08:01,251
THEN THE SON LAYS
DOWN ON THE FLOOR
AND OPENS HIS MOUTH

1831
01:08:01,294 --> 01:08:03,383
AND THE MOTHER SQUATS DOWN
OVER HIS FACE AND STARTS
SHITTING ALL OVER HIM.

1832
01:08:03,427 --> 01:08:04,776
DUDE!
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

1833
01:08:04,819 --> 01:08:06,778
THE FATHER GRABS THE BABY,
TAKES OFF HIS DIAPER,

1834
01:08:06,821 --> 01:08:08,867
AND STARTS SUCKING
HIS COCK, RIGHT?
WHILE THE SON,

1835
01:08:08,910 --> 01:08:10,477
STILL WITH HIS
MOTHER'S SHIT IN
HIS MOUTH, GOES OVER

1836
01:08:10,521 --> 01:08:11,565
AND LICKS THE BABY'S
TINY LITTLE BALLS.

1837
01:08:11,609 --> 01:08:12,914
DUDE...
HOLD ON, KYLE.

1838
01:08:12,958 --> 01:08:14,699
THEN THE FATHER AND
SON TAKE THE BABY

1839
01:08:14,742 --> 01:08:16,570
AND START STUFFING IT
HEAD FIRST BACK INTO
THE MOTHER'S VAGINA.

1840
01:08:16,614 --> 01:08:19,007
DUDE, JUST STOP.
THEY GET THE...
HOLD ON, KYLE.

1841
01:08:19,051 --> 01:08:21,009
THEY GET THE BABY
HALFWAY IN SO THAT
JUST HIS LEGS

1842
01:08:21,053 --> 01:08:22,750
ARE STICKING OUT,
ALL KICKING AND
FLAILING AROUND.

1843
01:08:22,794 --> 01:08:24,230
THE SON TAKES
THE MOTHER'S SHIT
OUT OF HIS MOUTH

1844
01:08:24,274 --> 01:08:26,102
AND STARTS RUBBING IT
ALL OVER EVERYONE,

1845
01:08:26,145 --> 01:08:28,495
WHILE THE FATHER STICKS
HIS COCK IN THE BABY'S
ASSHOLE AND FUCKS IT,

1846
01:08:28,539 --> 01:08:30,367
WHILE IT'S STILL
INSIDE THE MOTHER

1847
01:08:30,410 --> 01:08:32,412
UNTIL HE CUMS ALL OVER
THE BABY, THE WIFE, THE
SON AND THE DAUGHTER.

1848
01:08:32,456 --> 01:08:33,413
CA... CARTMAN, I
DON'T WANT TO...

1849
01:08:33,457 --> 01:08:35,285
KYLE! WILL YOU
HOLD ON PLEASE?

1850
01:08:35,328 --> 01:08:37,156
THEN THE FATHER
GETS UP AND SAYS,

1851
01:08:37,200 --> 01:08:39,202
"AND NOW FOR OUR
IMPERSONATION OF
THE VICTIMS OF 9/11."

1852
01:08:39,245 --> 01:08:40,855
AND THE WHOLE FAMILY
STARTS RUNNING
AROUND THE ROOM

1853
01:08:40,899 --> 01:08:41,943
COVERED WITH SHIT
AND PISS AND CUM

1854
01:08:41,987 --> 01:08:43,423
GOING, "AAAHHH!!
AAAHHH!!

1855
01:08:43,467 --> 01:08:45,425
THE BUILDING'S
COMING DOWN! HELP!"

1856
01:08:45,469 --> 01:08:47,210
AND THE FAMILY RUNS
BACK TO THE CENTRE
OF THE ROOM

1857
01:08:47,253 --> 01:08:49,168
AND GOES, "TAH-DAH!"

1858
01:08:49,212 --> 01:08:50,648
AND THE TALENT AGENT,
HE JUST SITS THERE.

1859
01:08:50,691 --> 01:08:53,346
AND FINALLY HE SAYS,
"JESUS, THAT'S A
HELL OF AN ACT.

1860
01:08:53,390 --> 01:08:54,652
WHAT DO YOU
CALL IT?"

1861
01:08:54,695 --> 01:08:56,784
AND THE FATHER SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

1862
01:08:58,699 --> 01:08:59,700
HEH-HEH-HEH.

1863
01:09:01,789 --> 01:09:02,442
I DON'T GET IT.

1864
01:09:04,488 --> 01:09:06,403
NEITHER DO I.

1865
01:09:06,446 --> 01:09:08,187
IT DOESN'T COUNT
AS TRANSGRESSIVE

1866
01:09:08,231 --> 01:09:09,754
IF YOU PUT ANY MORE.
WELL, WE'RE
REINVENTING THE JOKE

1867
01:09:09,797 --> 01:09:11,103
FOR NEW GENERATIONS
BY PUTTING IN STUFF

1868
01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:12,191
THAT'S OFFENSIVE NOW.

1869
01:09:12,235 --> 01:09:14,062
NOW, THE WORLD HAS
CHANGED, YOU KNOW?

1870
01:09:14,106 --> 01:09:17,457
SHOCK... SHOCK-ABILITY
HAS GONE INTO A WHOLE
OTHER LEVEL.

1871
01:09:17,501 --> 01:09:20,373
YOU COULD SAY, "NIGGAH,
NIGGAH, NIGGAH, SPIC,
DICK, CUNT..." EVERY...

1872
01:09:20,417 --> 01:09:22,549
YOU COULD SAY ALL
THAT. PEOPLE GO...
[ Yawning ]

1873
01:09:22,593 --> 01:09:23,681
WHEN YOU'RE AMONG
COMEDIANS, YOU GOT...

1874
01:09:23,724 --> 01:09:24,986
YOU REALLY HAVE
TO PUSH THE ENVELOPE.

1875
01:09:25,030 --> 01:09:27,119
WHAT? COMEDIAN TELLING
IT TO COMEDIANS AS A...?

1876
01:09:27,163 --> 01:09:29,513
HE'D PROBABLY DO A FILTHIER,
DISGUSTING VERSION OF IT

1877
01:09:29,556 --> 01:09:32,516
FOR HIS PEERS THAN...
THAN HE WOULD FOR

1878
01:09:32,559 --> 01:09:34,431
MAYBE HIS FRIENDS
AT THE BAR FROM THE
OLD NEIGHBOURHOOD.

1879
01:09:34,474 --> 01:09:36,389
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE PERFORMING
IN FRONT YOUR FAMILY,

1880
01:09:36,433 --> 01:09:38,217
YET THERE'S NO HOLDS BARRED,

1881
01:09:38,261 --> 01:09:40,567
AND THERE'S A LEVEL
OF APPRECIATION

1882
01:09:40,611 --> 01:09:42,003
THAT'S GOING TO SORT
OF GO ALONG WITH IT.

1883
01:09:42,047 --> 01:09:43,614
I DARE YOU PREVENT IT...

1884
01:09:43,657 --> 01:09:45,529
TO TELL THAT JOKE ON
STAGE IN FRONT OF ANYONE.

1885
01:09:45,572 --> 01:09:47,705
IF YOU COULD MAKE
AN AUDIENCE LAUGH AT
THAT, YOU ARE GOD.

1886
01:09:47,748 --> 01:09:49,402
I'M A WRITER AT THE
"NEW YORK OBSERVER".

1887
01:09:49,446 --> 01:09:52,275
FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS,
I'VE BEEN COVERING
THE FRIAR'S ROAST,

1888
01:09:52,318 --> 01:09:57,323
AND THIS YEAR I WROTE
ABOUT GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S
TAKE ON "THE ARISTOCRATS".

1889
01:09:57,367 --> 01:09:58,716
GILBERT GOTTFRIED DID IT
AT THE HUGH HEFNER ROAST.

1890
01:09:58,759 --> 01:10:00,935
IT WAS THE FUNNIEST
FUCKING JOKE EVER.

1891
01:10:00,979 --> 01:10:04,417
THIS ROAST WAS HAPPENING
NOT EVEN THREE WEEKS
AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th,

1892
01:10:04,461 --> 01:10:06,724
SO THERE WAS
A BIG DISCUSSION

1893
01:10:06,767 --> 01:10:08,813
ABOUT WHAT WAS RIGHT
IN TERMS OF TASTE.

1894
01:10:08,856 --> 01:10:10,249
THERE HADN'T BEEN ANY
COMEDY IN NEW YORK

1895
01:10:10,293 --> 01:10:12,382
AND IT WAS VERY FRESH.

1896
01:10:12,425 --> 01:10:14,297
WE WERE FACED WITH,
LIKE, HAVING TO,
LIKE, PUT UP A SHOW,

1897
01:10:14,340 --> 01:10:17,909
PUT ON TUXEDOS, GET
HUGH HEFNER AND HIS
PUSSY POSSE ON A PLANE.

1898
01:10:17,952 --> 01:10:19,824
IT WASN'T AN EASY SELL,
BUT WE GOT HIM TO DO IT.

1899
01:10:19,867 --> 01:10:21,869
TO HIS CREDIT, WE RAISED
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS

1900
01:10:21,913 --> 01:10:24,263
FOR CHARITY, FOR 9/11
RELATED CHARITIES.

1901
01:10:24,307 --> 01:10:26,222
PEOPLE NEEDED A
LAUGH, THE RELEASE.

1902
01:10:26,265 --> 01:10:27,832
EVERYBODY WAS PULLING BACK.

1903
01:10:27,875 --> 01:10:30,617
EVERYBODY WAS REALLY
SORT OF BEING CAREFUL.

1904
01:10:30,661 --> 01:10:32,184
ROB SCHNEIDER
WENT ON FIRST.

1905
01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:33,925
HE WAS DOING GREAT,
THEN HE MISSED A FEW

1906
01:10:33,968 --> 01:10:35,187
AND A COUPLE OF
JOKES DIDN'T WORK.

1907
01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:36,841
AND I WENT UP TO THE
MIC AND I SAID, "ROB,

1908
01:10:36,884 --> 01:10:40,061
HASN'T THERE BEEN ENOUGH
BOMBING IN THIS CITY?"

1909
01:10:40,105 --> 01:10:43,108
AND HERE COMES GILBERT,
AND HE JUST WENT FOR BROKE.

1910
01:10:43,151 --> 01:10:45,023
IT WAS UN... I MEAN,
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

1911
01:10:45,066 --> 01:10:48,418
GILBERT GOTTFRIED TOOK THE
MIC, TOOK THE ROOM OVER...

1912
01:10:48,461 --> 01:10:51,377
HE SAID HE WAS TRYING
TO GET A DIRECT FLIGHT
TO LOS ANGELES.

1913
01:10:51,421 --> 01:10:53,945
HE WAS NERVOUS 'CAUSE HIS
PLANE HAD A CONNECTION
ON THE WAY HOME

1914
01:10:53,988 --> 01:10:56,861
AT THE EMPIRE STATE
BUILDING. LIKE...

1915
01:10:56,904 --> 01:10:59,516
THAT WAS WHEN
THE CROWD TURNED. THEY
STARTED BOOING HIM.

1916
01:10:59,559 --> 01:11:02,432
THERE WAS A GUY IN
THE AUDIENCE SHOUTING,
"TOO SOON, TOO SOON."

1917
01:11:02,475 --> 01:11:06,044
THE CROWD WAS MURMURING,
AND HE SAID...
OKAY.

1918
01:11:06,087 --> 01:11:08,873
A MAN...

1919
01:11:08,916 --> 01:11:13,443
A TRAV... A TALENT AGENT
IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE.

1920
01:11:13,486 --> 01:11:16,228
A FAMILY WALKS IN:

1921
01:11:16,272 --> 01:11:19,492
MAN, WOMAN, THEIR TWO KIDS
AND THEIR LITTLE DOG.

1922
01:11:19,536 --> 01:11:21,886
THE TALENT AGENT
GOES, "WHAT KIND OF
AN ACT DO YOU DO?"

1923
01:11:21,929 --> 01:11:23,975
IT WAS LIKE HE HAD MADE
THIS CONSCIOUS DECISION,

1924
01:11:24,018 --> 01:11:26,847
"OKAY, I CAN'T PUSH
THE ENVELOPE OF TASTE

1925
01:11:26,891 --> 01:11:29,067
IN TERMS OF WHAT
HAPPENED IN SEPTEMBER,

1926
01:11:29,110 --> 01:11:31,983
SO I'M GOING TO PUSH
IT IN A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT DIRECTION."

1927
01:11:32,026 --> 01:11:34,551
IT WAS ARGUABLY
THE DIRTIEST ROAST

1928
01:11:34,594 --> 01:11:36,030
THE FRIARS HAD EVER DONE.

1929
01:11:36,074 --> 01:11:38,250
THE FATHER STARTS
FUCKING HIS WIFE;

1930
01:11:38,294 --> 01:11:40,644
THE WIFE STARTS
JERKING OFF THE SON;

1931
01:11:40,687 --> 01:11:42,907
THE SON STARTS GOING
DOWN ON THE SISTER;

1932
01:11:42,950 --> 01:11:45,692
THE SISTER STARTS
FINGERING THE
DOG'S ASSHOLE.

1933
01:11:45,736 --> 01:11:47,694
HE JUST GRABBED IT BY
THE THROAT, YOU KNOW...

1934
01:11:47,738 --> 01:11:49,348
HE JUST ATTACKED.

1935
01:11:49,392 --> 01:11:52,220
THEN, THE SON STARTS
BLOWING HIS FATHER!

1936
01:11:52,264 --> 01:11:54,266
WANT ME TO START
AT THE BEGINNING?

1937
01:11:54,310 --> 01:11:56,268
[ Laughter ]

1938
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:58,139
IF YOU MISSED ANY PORTION,

1939
01:11:58,183 --> 01:12:00,664
I'LL REPEAT IT.

1940
01:12:00,707 --> 01:12:02,927
Frank Digiacomo:
THERE WAS THIS WEIRD
BUZZ THAT CAME,

1941
01:12:02,970 --> 01:12:04,929
AND YOU COULD SEE THE
GUYS UP ON THE DAIS

1942
01:12:04,972 --> 01:12:06,365
WERE LOOKING
AT EACH OTHER,

1943
01:12:06,409 --> 01:12:08,367
AND THEY HAD THIS LOOK OF
FAMILIARITY IN THEIR EYES.

1944
01:12:08,411 --> 01:12:09,542
THEY WERE ALL
SORT OF SAYING,

1945
01:12:09,586 --> 01:12:11,239
"WHERE IS HE GOING
TO TAKE THIS THING?"

1946
01:12:11,283 --> 01:12:14,939
THEN THE DAUGHTER
STARTS LICKING OUT
THE FATHER'S ASSHOLE.

1947
01:12:14,982 --> 01:12:16,810
THEN THE FATHER
SHITS ON THE FLOOR,

1948
01:12:16,854 --> 01:12:18,769
THE MOTHER SHITS
ON THE FLOOR,

1949
01:12:18,812 --> 01:12:21,380
THE DOG PISSES AND
SHITS ON THE FLOOR.

1950
01:12:21,424 --> 01:12:25,341
THEY ALL JUMP DOWN INTO
THE SHIT AND PISS AND CUM,

1951
01:12:25,384 --> 01:12:28,431
AND THEY START FUCKING
AND SUCKING EACH OTHER.

1952
01:12:28,474 --> 01:12:30,607
AND THEN THEY TAKE A BOW.

1953
01:12:30,650 --> 01:12:31,521
Audience:
[ Laughing ]

1954
01:12:32,609 --> 01:12:34,785
AND THE TALENT
AGENT SAYS...

1955
01:12:37,265 --> 01:12:38,571
I'LL WAIT TILL
YOU'RE READY.

1956
01:12:42,183 --> 01:12:44,708
I AM SITTING AT A
TABLE OF ALL COMICS.
WE'RE ON THE FLOOR.

1957
01:12:44,751 --> 01:12:47,101
THEY MIGHT HAVE TO
CLEAN THIS UP FOR TV.

1958
01:12:50,496 --> 01:12:51,497
Drew Carey:
I WAS LAUGHING 'CAUSE

1959
01:12:51,541 --> 01:12:52,803
HE JUST WAS GOING
SO BIG WITH IT,

1960
01:12:52,846 --> 01:12:55,501
WHICH I CAN'T IMAGINE
GILBERT GOTTFRIED DOING.

1961
01:12:55,545 --> 01:12:57,285
IT WAS PROBABLY
ONE OF THE BEST

1962
01:12:57,329 --> 01:13:00,637
SINGLE TELLINGS OF A
JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD.

1963
01:13:00,680 --> 01:13:02,943
NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YES.

1964
01:13:02,987 --> 01:13:05,685
THE SON IS LICKING OUT
HIS FATHER'S ASSHOLE.

1965
01:13:05,729 --> 01:13:06,686
[ Laughter ]

1966
01:13:09,254 --> 01:13:10,473
I ALMOST DIED
BECAUSE I COULDN'T...

1967
01:13:10,516 --> 01:13:12,257
COULDN'T CATCH MY
BREATH FOR LAUGHING.

1968
01:13:12,300 --> 01:13:14,825
THEY FUCK AND SUCK EACH
OTHER AND THEY TAKE A BOW.

1969
01:13:17,131 --> 01:13:20,700
AND THE TALENT AGE...
DID YOU MISS ANY
PORTION OF THIS?

1970
01:13:20,744 --> 01:13:23,921
THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "WELL,
THAT'S AN INTERESTING ACT,"

1971
01:13:23,964 --> 01:13:26,445
WHICH IS KIND OF
AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

1972
01:13:26,489 --> 01:13:30,231
THE LAUGH WAS SO DEEP AND
CATHARTIC THAT IT WAS...

1973
01:13:30,275 --> 01:13:32,408
LIKE, PEOPLE WERE COUGHING
UP PIECES OF LUNG.

1974
01:13:32,451 --> 01:13:34,714
JUST... IT WAS AMAZING.
AND A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE

1975
01:13:34,758 --> 01:13:37,717
WHO WERE WATCHING HIM
OR UP ON THE DAIS,
THEY'RE ALL IN COMEDY,

1976
01:13:37,761 --> 01:13:41,155
AND IT WAS AS IF HE
HAD UNITED EVERYBODY
IN THAT ONE MOMENT

1977
01:13:41,199 --> 01:13:43,593
BECAUSE HE TOLD SOMETHING
THAT THEY ALL KNEW

1978
01:13:43,636 --> 01:13:45,203
AND THEY ALL HAD SOME
SORT OF HANDLE ON IT.

1979
01:13:45,246 --> 01:13:47,423
AND HE JUST FOCUSED
IT AND DID IT.

1980
01:13:47,466 --> 01:13:49,381
HE CLEARLY HAD IMPRESSED
A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.

1981
01:13:49,425 --> 01:13:50,426
NOW...

1982
01:13:52,515 --> 01:13:55,953
Frank Digiacomo:
HE PULLED THIS THING
OUT AND DID IT SO WELL

1983
01:13:55,996 --> 01:13:58,172
AND WITH SUCH
FEARLESSNESS.

1984
01:13:58,216 --> 01:14:01,959
I HATE TO END THIS ON A
REALLY SENTIMENTAL NOTE.

1985
01:14:02,002 --> 01:14:03,351
Frank Digiacomo:
THERE WAS THIS SOUND
IN THE AUDIENCE

1986
01:14:03,395 --> 01:14:05,092
THAT YOU REALLY KNEW
THAT THERE WAS...

1987
01:14:05,136 --> 01:14:08,400
SOMETHING WAS
HAPPENING HERE THAT
WAS OUTSIDE MY GRASP

1988
01:14:08,444 --> 01:14:11,577
AND, YOU KNOW, ANYONE
ELSE WHO WASN'T A
TOTAL COMEDY VETERAN.

1989
01:14:11,621 --> 01:14:13,797
AGAIN, NOT A GREAT JOKE,
SO FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

1990
01:14:13,840 --> 01:14:17,322
ON THE OTHER HAND,
HEAR GILBERT GOTTFRIED
TELL A JOKE LIKE THAT,

1991
01:14:17,365 --> 01:14:19,063
IT'S A PICASSO.

1992
01:14:19,106 --> 01:14:20,368
THE JOKE, I DIDN'T
CARE ABOUT ANY MORE,

1993
01:14:20,412 --> 01:14:22,022
I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW
FAR HE WOULD TAKE IT,

1994
01:14:22,066 --> 01:14:23,676
AND WHEN HE WOULD
NOT STOP SAYING,

1995
01:14:23,720 --> 01:14:25,548
"FUCKING AND SUCKING
AND FUCKING..."

1996
01:14:25,591 --> 01:14:27,985
WATCHING HIM GO THROUGH
HIS APOPLECTIC,

1997
01:14:28,028 --> 01:14:32,468
RHYTHMIC INCANTATION
OF THE WHOLE THING
SORT OF TAKES OVER.

1998
01:14:32,511 --> 01:14:35,209
THE FACT THAT HE IS SAYING
THESE PARTICULAR WORDS

1999
01:14:35,253 --> 01:14:36,733
ALMOST DOESN'T MATTER.

2000
01:14:36,776 --> 01:14:38,996
HE SAYS, "NOW WHAT DO
YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

2001
01:14:39,039 --> 01:14:41,259
AND THEY GO,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

2002
01:14:41,302 --> 01:14:42,565
[ Laughter ]

2003
01:14:45,350 --> 01:14:46,699
OH-HO!

2004
01:14:46,743 --> 01:14:49,310
WELL, SEE...
IT'S JUST A...

2005
01:14:49,354 --> 01:14:51,312
IT'S JUST A JOKE.

2006
01:14:51,356 --> 01:14:53,227
HELP!

2007
01:14:53,271 --> 01:14:55,055
IT'S AS SHOCKING AS
THE FIRST TIME YOU
HEARD IT, ISN'T IT?

2008
01:14:55,099 --> 01:14:56,492
DON'T TOUCH ME.

2009
01:14:57,188 --> 01:14:58,798
IS THAT THE JOKE
THAT YOU REMEMBER?

2010
01:14:58,842 --> 01:15:00,887
WELL, I DIDN'T
HEAR IT THAT WAY.
[ Laughing ]

2011
01:15:00,931 --> 01:15:02,323
THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE.

2012
01:15:07,851 --> 01:15:10,027
I'M ALREADY FEELING LIKE
I DIDN'T DO IT JUSTICE.

2013
01:15:10,070 --> 01:15:11,942
I HAD FUCKING THE DAUGHTER
IN THERE, BUT I DIDN'T...

2014
01:15:11,985 --> 01:15:14,597
I DIDN'T COLOUR IT IN
WITH COLOURFUL ADJECTIVES.

2015
01:15:14,640 --> 01:15:16,337
UH, "AN ARM LIKE POPEYE."

2016
01:15:16,381 --> 01:15:18,818
I DIDN'T REALIZE THE
BILL THAT I WAS ON.

2017
01:15:18,862 --> 01:15:20,951
WHAT'S THE MOST
POSSIBLY VILE AND
OFFENSIVE THING

2018
01:15:20,994 --> 01:15:22,692
YOU COULD ADD
TO TOP ALL THAT.

2019
01:15:22,735 --> 01:15:25,782
IF THE GUY TOOK SOME
OF THE SHIT THAT
WAS ON THE STAGE

2020
01:15:25,825 --> 01:15:28,132
AND SMEARED IT ON
HIS FACE AND DID A
BLACK-FACE ROUTINE.

2021
01:15:28,175 --> 01:15:30,526
[ Laughing ]
DOING A MINSTREL ACT.

2022
01:15:30,569 --> 01:15:33,006
THAT'S GOOD. ADD
RACE-BAITING.

2023
01:15:33,050 --> 01:15:35,095
SEX ANY MORE, WHO GIVES
A SHIT? THE RACIAL ISSUE

2024
01:15:35,139 --> 01:15:37,358
HAS REPLACED
THE SEXUAL ISSUE.

2025
01:15:37,402 --> 01:15:38,621
I'M THE AGENT AND
YOU'RE THE CLIENT.

2026
01:15:38,664 --> 01:15:40,840
OKAY. ARE YOU
A JEW AGENT,

2027
01:15:40,884 --> 01:15:43,408
YOU FILTHY,
HOOK-NOSED

2028
01:15:43,451 --> 01:15:45,584
THIEVING FUCK?
YEAH.

2029
01:15:45,628 --> 01:15:46,846
THE AGENT SAYS, "YEAH,
WHAT DO YOU DO?"

2030
01:15:46,890 --> 01:15:48,195
HE GOES, "A BLACK
GUY COMES ON

2031
01:15:48,239 --> 01:15:49,545
AND STARTS
SUCKIN' MY COCK

2032
01:15:49,588 --> 01:15:52,330
LIKE IT'S A
CHICKEN NECK BONE.
[ Laughter ]

2033
01:15:52,373 --> 01:15:54,201
THIS INDIAN COMES ON...

2034
01:15:54,245 --> 01:15:56,073
YOU KNOW, SLURPIE INDIAN,
NOT CASINO INDIAN...

2035
01:16:00,556 --> 01:16:04,342
SPRINKLES CURRY
ON EVERYBODY

2036
01:16:04,385 --> 01:16:06,474
AND START STINKING
UP THE PLACE.

2037
01:16:06,518 --> 01:16:09,521
A SPIC COMES ON, STEALS
EVERYBODY'S WALLET,

2038
01:16:09,565 --> 01:16:12,742
AND TAKES A SHIT
ON THE STAGE.

2039
01:16:12,785 --> 01:16:15,266
BLACK GUY GRABS A MOP,
STICKS IT UP THE
GAY GUY'S ASS

2040
01:16:15,309 --> 01:16:17,442
AND MOPS UP THE
FUCKING FLOOR."

2041
01:16:17,485 --> 01:16:19,792
THE AGENT SAYS,
"HOLY SHIT.

2042
01:16:19,836 --> 01:16:21,228
WHAT DO YOU GUYS
CALL YOURSELVES?"

2043
01:16:21,272 --> 01:16:23,404
THE FAG GOES,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

2044
01:16:26,625 --> 01:16:28,366
ONE OF THE CLICHES
PEOPLE OFTEN GO TO IS...

2045
01:16:28,409 --> 01:16:30,324
NOW A LOT OF... SOME PEOPLE
DO THIS FOR SHOCK VALUE.

2046
01:16:30,368 --> 01:16:34,067
WELL, SHOCK IS JUST ANOTHER
UPTOWN WORD FOR SURPRISE.

2047
01:16:34,111 --> 01:16:36,069
GRANTED IT HAS A DIFFERENT
QUALITY TO IT,

2048
01:16:36,113 --> 01:16:38,419
BUT A JOKE IS ABOUT
SURPRISING SOMEONE.

2049
01:16:38,463 --> 01:16:41,466
LIKE THREE WOMEN OF
COLOUR, THEY GO IN THIS,
UH, AGENT'S OFFICE.

2050
01:16:41,509 --> 01:16:42,728
THEY GO, "WELL,
WHAT DO YOU DO?"

2051
01:16:42,772 --> 01:16:44,600
SHE GOES, "WELL, MY
SISTER PLAYS THE CELLO.

2052
01:16:44,643 --> 01:16:48,212
SHE PLAYS, UH, CHOPIN'S, UH,
"THIRD MOVEMENT IN B MINOR".

2053
01:16:48,255 --> 01:16:50,997
I LAY ON A CHAISE
LOUNGE, NUDE,

2054
01:16:51,041 --> 01:16:53,347
READING SONNETS
FROM SHAKESPEARE,

2055
01:16:53,391 --> 01:16:55,480
AND THEN MY THIRD SISTER
PAINTS A PAINTING

2056
01:16:55,523 --> 01:16:57,700
VERY SIMILAR TO
DECROIX'S "THE GIRL".

2057
01:16:57,743 --> 01:16:59,179
HE GOES, "WOW,
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

2058
01:16:59,223 --> 01:17:00,441
WHAT DO YOU
CALL THIS ACT?"

2059
01:17:00,485 --> 01:17:01,486
SHE GOES, "OH, WE'RE
'NIGGER CUNTS'."

2060
01:17:02,574 --> 01:17:04,489
BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.

2061
01:17:04,532 --> 01:17:06,534
THAT'S THE TWO WORST
WORDS IN THE WORLD.

2062
01:17:06,578 --> 01:17:08,101
I'M A GREAT BELIEVER
IN CONTEXT.

2063
01:17:08,145 --> 01:17:10,060
I SAY YOU CAN JOKE
ABOUT ANYTHING.

2064
01:17:10,103 --> 01:17:12,540
FUNNY IS FUNNY. IF THEY'RE
TOLD WITH A FUNNY BONE,

2065
01:17:12,584 --> 01:17:13,759
ANYTHING'S ACCEPTABLE.

2066
01:17:13,803 --> 01:17:16,370
I MEAN, LET'S
HAVE SOME FUN.

2067
01:17:16,414 --> 01:17:19,983
YOU KNOW, AFTER THE TRAGIC
EVENTS OF, UH, JANUARY 3rd,

2068
01:17:20,026 --> 01:17:22,420
COME ON.

2069
01:17:22,463 --> 01:17:24,117
ON JANUARY 3rd,
I LEFT MY VISA

2070
01:17:24,161 --> 01:17:26,685
AT THE FOUR SEASONS ON
DOHENY. IT WAS LIKE...

2071
01:17:26,729 --> 01:17:29,688
I DO LIKE FINDING OUT
WHERE THE LINE IS DRAWN,

2072
01:17:29,732 --> 01:17:31,385
DELIBERATELY CROSSING IT,

2073
01:17:31,429 --> 01:17:33,866
BRINGING SOME OF THEM
WITH ME ACROSS THE LINE

2074
01:17:33,910 --> 01:17:35,781
AND HAVING THEM BE
HAPPY THAT I DID.

2075
01:17:35,825 --> 01:17:37,696
I LIKE TO TAKE
CHANCES BECAUSE...

2076
01:17:37,740 --> 01:17:39,829
I JUST THINK THAT,
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD.

2077
01:17:39,872 --> 01:17:42,483
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT
COMEDY IS ALL ABOUT.

2078
01:17:42,527 --> 01:17:44,921
I PULL UP MOMMY'S DRESS,

2079
01:17:44,964 --> 01:17:46,836
AND I PUT MY WIENER
IN HER BUTT.

2080
01:17:46,879 --> 01:17:50,927
AND I PUSH IT INTO
HER UNWILLING ANUS...

2081
01:17:50,970 --> 01:17:54,452
AND I MOVE MY WIENER
BACK AND FORTH UNTIL
STUFF SHOOTS OUT.

2082
01:17:54,495 --> 01:17:57,455
TILL IT'S FINALLY JUST A
WHOLE PROLAPSED RECTUM.

2083
01:17:57,498 --> 01:17:59,718
IT LOOKS LIKE AN
ULCERATED SEA SNAKE.

2084
01:17:59,762 --> 01:18:02,460
REMEMBER WHEN I TOOK
YOU TO SEA WORLD? YEAH.

2085
01:18:02,503 --> 01:18:05,245
AND ALL THIS STUFF
SHOOTS ONTO HER FACE.

2086
01:18:05,289 --> 01:18:08,422
AND I STICK MY COCK IN HER
ASS. IT'S LIKE A SHILLELAGH.

2087
01:18:08,466 --> 01:18:11,512
IT'S ALL KNOTTED WITH
BOILS AND FIBROUS TUMOURS.

2088
01:18:11,556 --> 01:18:13,210
I'LL SHOW YOU A
LITTLE BIT LATER.

2089
01:18:13,253 --> 01:18:16,256
THE BROTHER COMES OUT.
HE EATS THE STUFF
OFF HER FACE.

2090
01:18:16,300 --> 01:18:18,998
WITH THIS BLEEDING ANUS
SPLATTERING ON THE CROWD,

2091
01:18:19,042 --> 01:18:20,957
WE GIVE THE FRONT
ROW GARBAGE BAGS.

2092
01:18:21,000 --> 01:18:23,263
HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN GALLAGHER?
[ Whimpering ]

2093
01:18:23,307 --> 01:18:25,613
YEAH, I DIDN'T LIKE
IT THAT MUCH MYSELF.

2094
01:18:25,657 --> 01:18:27,703
AND THEY EAT THE
POOP OFF THE FLOOR.

2095
01:18:27,746 --> 01:18:29,922
AND HE SAYS, "TAH-DAH!"

2096
01:18:29,966 --> 01:18:33,796
AND THE MAN SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

2097
01:18:33,839 --> 01:18:35,580
AND BOTH OF THE MEN
ARE PROBABLY JEWS.

2098
01:18:39,366 --> 01:18:40,803
Alan Kirschenbaum:
THAT THERE'S STILL
A JOKE OUT THERE

2099
01:18:40,846 --> 01:18:42,892
THAT MAYBE THEY
SHOULDN'T TELL,

2100
01:18:42,935 --> 01:18:45,155
YOU KNOW, MAYBE THEY'RE
TAKING A CHANCE TELLING;

2101
01:18:45,198 --> 01:18:47,200
MAYBE THEY GET
A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS

2102
01:18:47,244 --> 01:18:49,855
AS THEY START THE
JOKE, MEANS SOMETHING.

2103
01:18:49,899 --> 01:18:51,770
EVEN IN TODAY'S
DAY AND AGE,

2104
01:18:51,814 --> 01:18:53,598
THEY JUST GET A
LITTLE MURMUR INSIDE

2105
01:18:53,641 --> 01:18:55,078
AND I THINK THAT WOULD BE

2106
01:18:55,121 --> 01:18:59,735
WHAT KEEPS A JOKE
LIKE THIS SPECIAL.

2107
01:18:59,778 --> 01:19:00,997
YOU KNOW, I NEVER
REALIZED ANY OF THAT

2108
01:19:01,040 --> 01:19:02,172
STUFF WAS CONSIDERED
DIRTY, 'CAUSE I WAS...

2109
01:19:02,215 --> 01:19:03,434
IT'S FUNNY, BEFORE
YOU GUYS GOT HERE,

2110
01:19:03,477 --> 01:19:05,610
I WAS EATING A PLATE
OF MY OWN SHIT.

2111
01:19:05,653 --> 01:19:09,222
UM, AND THAT
THE... HEY, MYLE.
HEY!

2112
01:19:09,266 --> 01:19:11,703
DO YOU KNOW THIS
JOKE ABOUT...

2113
01:19:11,747 --> 01:19:13,705
THE PUNCHLINE IS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

2114
01:19:13,749 --> 01:19:15,402
I TOTALLY DO
NOT GET IT.

2115
01:19:15,446 --> 01:19:16,839
YOU DON'T GET
THE JOKE?

2116
01:19:16,882 --> 01:19:19,798
SOMEONE TOLD IT TO ME
BUT I DON'T GET IT.

2117
01:19:19,842 --> 01:19:22,061
'CAUSE IT'S A
WHOLE FAMILY'S HAVING
SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

2118
01:19:22,105 --> 01:19:23,802
NO, IT'S...
IT'S THAT
ARISTOCRATIC?

2119
01:19:23,846 --> 01:19:25,804
IT'S MORE
THAN THAT.

2120
01:19:25,848 --> 01:19:28,241
UM...

2121
01:19:28,285 --> 01:19:29,939
YEAH, I THINK
IT'S BEST IF WE
DON'T BREAK IT DOWN.

2122
01:19:29,982 --> 01:19:31,679
WOULD YOU AGREE
WITH THAT?

2123
01:19:31,723 --> 01:19:33,638
[ Jazz ♪♪♪ ]

2124
01:19:40,123 --> 01:19:41,864
NO, I DON'T WANT
TO TELL THE JOKE.

2125
01:19:41,907 --> 01:19:43,953
YOU GUYS HAVE HAD WAY
TOO MANY GREAT PEOPLE
TELLING THIS JOKE.

2126
01:19:43,996 --> 01:19:45,693
[ Laughing ]

2127
01:19:58,881 --> 01:20:01,535
♪ THE ARISTOCRATS!

2128
01:20:01,579 --> 01:20:02,667
[ Laughing ]

2129
01:20:04,277 --> 01:20:05,191
THAT'S GREAT.

2130
01:20:07,280 --> 01:20:08,673
THE BEST LOOKIN' ASS
IN SHOW BUSINESS.

2131
01:20:12,720 --> 01:20:16,072
DON'T EVER ASK ME TO DO
ANOTHER FAVOUR FOR YOU.

2132
01:20:16,115 --> 01:20:18,639
I GUARANTEE YOU THIS WOULD
NOT WIND UP ON MY DEMO TAPE.

2133
01:20:18,683 --> 01:20:21,338
I'M NOT GOING TO WORK
FOR DISNEY EVER AGAIN,

2134
01:20:21,381 --> 01:20:23,514
THANKS A LOT,
PAUL PROVENZA.

2135
01:20:23,557 --> 01:20:25,124
I ONCE ASKED DOM IRRERA,
"WHY DOES ANAL SEX

2136
01:20:25,168 --> 01:20:27,474
PLAY SUCH A HUGE
ROLE IN HUMOUR?"

2137
01:20:27,518 --> 01:20:29,563
AND HE SAID, "I CAN'T TELL
YOU, BUT I CAN SHOW YOU."

2138
01:20:38,137 --> 01:20:40,400
SARAH SILVERMAN IS A
YOUNG LADY TO WATCH.

2139
01:20:40,444 --> 01:20:41,488
I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

2140
01:20:43,229 --> 01:20:44,840
Man: BUT YOU'VE
NEVER MET HER?
NO.

2141
01:20:47,494 --> 01:20:48,713
DOES EVERYONE DO IT?
DOES EVERYONE DO THIS?

2142
01:20:48,756 --> 01:20:49,932
OR NO?

2143
01:20:49,975 --> 01:20:51,498
ALL RIGHT. FUCK. SHIT. CUNT.

2144
01:21:01,204 --> 01:21:02,509
A MAN GOES INTO A PUB,

2145
01:21:02,553 --> 01:21:03,989
ANOTHER GUY GOES IN AND
HITS HIM ON THE HEAD

2146
01:21:04,033 --> 01:21:05,425
WITH AN IRON BAR.
HE SAYS, "HEY!

2147
01:21:05,469 --> 01:21:07,079
IS THAT SERIOUS
OR A JOKE?"

2148
01:21:07,123 --> 01:21:08,733
HE SAYS, "IT WAS SERIOUS."
HE SAYS, "THANK GOD,

2149
01:21:08,776 --> 01:21:10,343
I CAN'T STAND
JOKES LIKE THAT."

2150
01:21:15,783 --> 01:21:17,002
IS ANY OF THIS FUNNY?

2151
01:21:17,046 --> 01:21:19,483
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T PAN
TO THEM; STAY ON ME.

2152
01:21:19,526 --> 01:21:21,093
DON'T, DON'T LOOK AT THEM.

2153
01:21:21,137 --> 01:21:22,355
THERE'S GOING TO BE PROBLEMS.

2154
01:21:22,399 --> 01:21:23,052
Man:
GOT IT.
OKAY.

2155
01:21:40,069 --> 01:21:44,029
BRUNCH IS GOING TO UP IN
REDFORD'S THING, 2020?

2156
01:21:44,073 --> 01:21:45,161
I'LL TRY TO BE
ALIVE FOR IT.

2157
01:21:51,384 --> 01:21:54,170
IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT YOU TALK
ABOUT CUNTS FOR 10 MINUTES

2158
01:21:54,213 --> 01:21:55,780
AND SOMEBODY BEHIND
THE CAMERA GOES,

2159
01:21:55,823 --> 01:21:58,000
"PERFECT, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT WE NEED."

2160
01:22:02,830 --> 01:22:05,659
A GUY SEES TWO PRIESTS
HAVING SUPPER TOGETHER,

2161
01:22:05,703 --> 01:22:07,792
AND HE SAYS, "I DIDN'T
KNOW WHETHER TO SEND
THEM A BOTTLE OF WINE

2162
01:22:07,835 --> 01:22:08,880
OR A CUB SCOUT."

2163
01:22:24,765 --> 01:22:27,986
THE DOG'S NAME IS PEANUT,
UM, AND SHE IS BLIND.

2164
01:22:28,030 --> 01:22:30,206
UH, SHE WASN'T BLIND
WHEN WE GOT HER,

2165
01:22:30,249 --> 01:22:33,513
BUT WE BLINDED HER
JUST SO SHE'D BE A
LITTLE BIT MORE FUN.

2166
01:22:43,915 --> 01:22:44,960
OOOHH...

2167
01:22:45,003 --> 01:22:45,961
THAT'S GOOD.

2168
01:22:46,004 --> 01:22:47,266
OOOOHH...
FUCK, THAT'S GOOD.

2169
01:22:53,185 --> 01:22:54,056
IS THIS
THING ON?

2170
01:23:16,687 --> 01:23:18,515
TO THE OTHER COMEDIANS
THAT DID THIS,

2171
01:23:18,558 --> 01:23:19,472
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING,

2172
01:23:19,516 --> 01:23:21,257
BUT THEY REFUSE TO PAY ME.

2173
01:23:21,300 --> 01:23:22,954
AND I'M REALLY
STEAMED, STEAMED!

2174
01:23:31,267 --> 01:23:32,659
AND THE AGENT SAYS...

2175
01:23:32,703 --> 01:23:34,096
[ Flushing of toilet ]

2176
01:23:38,926 --> 01:23:40,406
WHAT THE FUCK
AM I DOING?

2177
01:23:51,722 --> 01:23:53,506
DID OTHER PEOPLE GET
LAUGHS OUT OF THIS?

2178
01:23:53,550 --> 01:23:55,030
I THINK SO.
JEEZ.

2179
01:23:55,073 --> 01:23:57,162
AND HE SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

2180
01:23:58,555 --> 01:24:00,774
IT'S 'CAUSE
IT'S ABSOLUTELY

2181
01:24:00,818 --> 01:24:02,820
THE WRONG THING TO
CALL AN ACT LIKE THAT.

2182
01:24:21,360 --> 01:24:22,274
IS IT ON?

2183
01:24:26,191 --> 01:24:27,801
YOU'RE NOT TAPING
YET, REALLY ARE YOU?

2184
01:24:28,280 --> 01:24:29,238
GOODBYE!

2185
01:24:29,281 --> 01:24:30,978
Man:
THERE GOES THE MIC!

2186
01:24:31,022 --> 01:24:33,155
SHIT, I FORGOT WE
HAD THE MIC ON.

2187
01:24:33,198 --> 01:24:35,070
TRY THIS,
BALL SACKS.

2188
01:24:35,113 --> 01:24:36,201
GREAT, I SAID
BALL SACKS

2189
01:24:36,245 --> 01:24:37,855
IN FRONT OF A
SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

2190
01:24:37,898 --> 01:24:39,378
THEY'RE NOW GOING TO TAKE MY
SIX-YEAR-OLD AWAY FROM ME.

2191
01:24:39,422 --> 01:24:42,207
BYE, ROBERT,
DADDY LOVES YOU.

2192
01:24:44,992 --> 01:24:47,125
I OFTEN JUST SIT
HERE IN MY GARDEN,

2193
01:24:47,169 --> 01:24:49,693
GAZING INTO MY
VICTORIAN REFLECTING BALL

2194
01:24:49,736 --> 01:24:52,435
AND... DARLING WOULD YOU
GET ME A CUP OF TEA?

2195
01:24:52,478 --> 01:24:53,436
Woman:
GET IT YOURSELF!

2196
01:24:55,568 --> 01:24:57,222
I JUST WANT
TO THANK YOU.

2197
01:24:57,266 --> 01:25:00,138
IT'S SO NICE TO BE PART OF
THIS EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCE.

2198
01:25:00,182 --> 01:25:02,749
A RABBI WALKS INTO A BAR
WITH A FROG ON HIS SHOULDER.

2199
01:25:02,793 --> 01:25:04,360
THE BARTENDER SAYS, "HEY,
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"

2200
01:25:04,403 --> 01:25:05,578
AND THE FROG
SAYS, "BROOKLYN,

2201
01:25:05,622 --> 01:25:07,276
THERE'S HUNDREDS OF THEM."

2202
01:25:07,319 --> 01:25:08,233
GOOD LUCK.

2203
01:25:13,760 --> 01:25:15,762
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE
ALL, LIKE, CONNECTED.

2204
01:25:17,808 --> 01:25:20,506
AND NOW, THE WORLD'S
OLDEST LIVING VAUDEVILLIAN

2205
01:25:20,550 --> 01:25:22,639
WITH THE ORIGINAL
"ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

2206
01:25:28,514 --> 01:25:43,442
[ ♪♪♪ ]

2207
01:26:05,812 --> 01:26:07,858
NO, THIS WAY, THIS WAY,
THIS WAY, THIS WAY.

2208
01:26:07,901 --> 01:26:08,554
THIS WAY.

2209
01:26:33,188 --> 01:26:36,843
THERE ARE THESE TWO
MOUNTAIN GOATS AND THEY...

2210
01:26:39,281 --> 01:26:40,586
[ Snoring ]

2211
01:26:42,458 --> 01:26:44,024
Man:
SIR, SIR, SIR?

2212
01:26:45,678 --> 01:26:47,289
SIR?
HUH?

2213
01:26:48,942 --> 01:26:49,595
THANK YOU!

2214
01:26:54,078 --> 01:26:55,035
OH...

2215
01:26:55,079 --> 01:27:05,089
[ ♪♪♪ ]

2216
01:27:05,132 --> 01:27:10,094
[ ♪♪♪ ]

2217
01:28:06,585 --> 01:28:08,500
Both:
"ARISTOCRATS".