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00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:50,415
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
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00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:56,687
THE VOICE: Once upon a time,
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00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,590
not so long ago.
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(CLOCK CHIMES)
5
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(CAT MEOWS)
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(THUNDER RUMBLING)
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(HEAVY BREATHING)
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00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:03,948
(SHRIEKS)
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00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,958
This is the story of me.
10
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:15,927
Jack.
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00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:20,898
There I am,
absolutely shitting it.
12
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:29,039
I'd been carrying a carving knife around
with me for three weeks
13
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:31,208
due to an irrational
fear of being murdered.
14
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(PUFFS)
15
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I couldn't sleep at night.
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As soon as I got into bed
I started seeing killers.
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00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:42,620
(EXHALES)
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00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:43,854
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
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(PUFFS)
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00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,796
These killers were
the subject of a series
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00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:56,434
of plays I had been
writing for television.
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00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:59,670
The nature of
the project necessitated
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research into heinous
Victorian criminals.
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And I had unwittingly
familiarized myself
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with all the famous hackers,
dosers and severers of the 19th century.
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Faces that would have
frightened the Ripper.
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Many a long night I spent there,
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drenched in thoughts
of bloody murder.
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(THUNDER RUMBLES)
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I became particularly disturbed
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by a man I called
"The Hendon Ogre."
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A maniac from North London who had
boiled the arsenic out of flypapers
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and introduced the result
into his lodger's broth.
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I'd lie awake for hours
thinking of the brute,
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terrified someone was slipping
arsenic into my diet.
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00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:55,025
In the mornings I'd inspect grapefruit
and milk bottle tops,
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00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:57,962
looking for evidence
of interference with syringes.
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Trivial events became vital cues
in the detection of my assassin.
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00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:05,936
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
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If the telephone rang at 4:30,
I'd look at the clock and say,
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00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:17,048
"It was 4:30 when the telephone
rang that fateful evening.
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00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:19,083
"How could anyone
have known at the time
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"how important that telephone call
was to become?"
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My situation became unbearable.
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I suspected
everyone and everything.
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Innocent passers-by.
Creaks in the corridor.
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Bumps in the night got so bad
I started plugging my head shut.
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00:05:45,945 --> 00:05:50,147
But I'd soon have to get up and check
for killers in the bathroom...
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00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:53,084
In the kitchen...
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00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:57,755
In the fridge or in the hallway,
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where they kept a low profile,
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crawling about in the shadows,
lurking behind creaky doors.
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(DOOR CREAKING)
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(YELLING)
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Bloody windows! Bloody drafts!
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(PANTING)
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(WHISPERS) Oh, God.
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(SCREAMS)
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(GASPING)
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This fear that I
would be murdered
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all began sometime before...
At lunch to be exact.
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The day I saw my
literary agent...
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00:06:58,918 --> 00:06:59,917
Newspaper?
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Clair De Grunwald.
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00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,820
- Thanks.
- No problem.
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00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:08,159
She'd arranged to meet me
at a respectable establishment in Soho.
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00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:12,430
VENDOR: You like a newspaper?
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00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:25,976
Shall I bring sir the wine list?
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00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,278
Uh, yes, okay.
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00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,580
Pleasure.
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00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,163
{\an8}JACK: "The body was found
in the East End of London,
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00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,865
{\an8}"but the Hanoi Handshake
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00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,833
"is the unmistakable
calling card
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00:07:49,869 --> 00:07:51,702
"of a Vietnamese gang killing...
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00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:56,574
{\an8}"According to one
unnamed police source,
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00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,710
"downtown Hackney,
also known as Little Vietnam,
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00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,712
"is now a bloody jungle
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00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:05,416
"of organized crime.
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00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,986
"The missing fingers
have yet to be found."
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00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,721
VENDOR: Newspaper?
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00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:24,001
Whoa, hey, no...
It please, I'm...
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00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,035
CLAIR: Jack!
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00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,805
- Clair.
- Under the table already?
84
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,073
It's not even 12:00!
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00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:30,974
No, I...
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00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,877
I'm sorry, I'm afraid
I only have an hour.
87
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I've got to go and
meet Ragsie Lawrence.
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00:08:35,748 --> 00:08:38,048
Remember Ragsie,
the dancing dyke?
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00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:42,152
She's just been made
Commissioning Editor at the BBC.
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00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,921
Can you believe it?
91
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:48,392
Never underestimate a hunchback.
That's what I say.
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00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,128
Darling, are you going to stay there
all through lunch?
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00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:52,830
No, sorry.
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Anyway.
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Mmm.
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00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:02,439
It's good timing for us
because I can tell her
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how busy you are
with all your murders.
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00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,343
- (STAMMERS) Up to my elbows.
- Good.
99
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,278
Do you have a title?
100
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:09,446
Uh... Decades of Death.
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00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:11,015
Chilling.
102
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,883
Yeah, well, if you want murder,
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00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,552
then Victorian Britain
is the golden age.
104
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:17,220
I think murder's lost its
sense of theater, really.
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00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:18,380
I mean, you know,
what do we have now?
106
00:09:18,463 --> 00:09:20,857
- It's just like kids...
- Mindless violence?
107
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:22,125
Exactly, yes.
108
00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:24,728
I mean killers don't put any thought
into their murders anymore.
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00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:26,730
Take Long Ear for example.
Have you heard of Long Ear?
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00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:27,865
Can't say I have, no.
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00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:32,036
Terrifying Polish plumber who
hacked off a Frenchman's head.
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00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,037
He disposed of the limbs
down the sewer,
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00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,672
but he couldn't think of
what to do with the head.
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00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:38,709
So, eventually he utilized
his gas-fired crucible,
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00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,611
filled the nose and mouth
with molten lead,
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00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:41,812
slung the whole thing
in the river.
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00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:43,147
Can you imagine? (CHUCKLES)
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00:09:44,617 --> 00:09:48,319
I'm sorry, sir. This is a non-smoking
restaurant. Thank you.
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00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:51,088
Are you ready to order, madame?
120
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,322
Do you know what you're having?
121
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:55,392
Um... Oh, I think I'll just have a beer.
I'm not very hungry.
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One beer.
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00:09:57,296 --> 00:09:58,796
This is my treat, darling.
124
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:03,300
Oh, well, then I will have the chicory salad
with asparagus, croutons,
125
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,069
chorizo and poached egg...
126
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:09,206
To start, followed by the salmon
and leek fish cake
127
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,808
with mushy peas, chips and chive cream.
Thank you.
128
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:12,977
Lovely.
129
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,645
You see, why people
love a good murder...
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00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:18,448
I began to tell Clair about
my good friend, Professor Friedkin,
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00:10:18,484 --> 00:10:21,919
author of an influential paper
on the criminal stare.
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An ocular condition
that instantly identified
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00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,025
a madman.
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00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,159
MAITRE D': Monsieur?
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00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:34,598
(GASPING)
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00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,335
(SCREAMING)
137
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:42,506
Jack?
138
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,809
- Jack?
- Yes.
139
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:47,611
- Sorry.
- Are you all right?
140
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,146
Yes. I'm... Yes, I'm sorry.
141
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,649
(STAMMERS) I, um...
What was I talking about?
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00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:54,718
The book. The criminal stare.
143
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:57,054
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
the criminal stare.
144
00:10:57,256 --> 00:11:01,191
Um, yeah... I've, um, I've trawled through
hundreds of these photographs.
145
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:03,060
And, um...
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00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:10,333
Um, when you kill someone, when you...
When you take a life,
147
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:13,737
you acquire these awful eyes,
you know, like a...
148
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,338
Like a shark or a chicken.
149
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,674
How frightful.
150
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:19,309
Yeah, but it's...
It's not just a horror show.
151
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,410
You know, I've realized
that's not just
152
00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:21,478
the reason I have to write this.
153
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,746
Oh?
154
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:23,947
No, it's a detective story,
155
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,083
you see, about how
they become killers.
156
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,518
You know, how do they get there?
157
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:30,120
What fills them with the need
to victimize and kill?
158
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:31,321
Why choose mass murder?
159
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,622
Why not become a writer?
160
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:36,527
Yeah, well actually, writers
and serial killers are very similar.
161
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:38,095
They're practically brothers.
162
00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,230
What is it Hemingway says, um...
163
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,699
"What do you need to become a writer?
An unhappy childhood."
164
00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:44,334
It's the same thing
with serial killers.
165
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,003
Whatever happened
to the hedgehog?
166
00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:47,905
What?
167
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,774
He had to cross the road
and go into the woods.
168
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:52,509
But he was afraid.
169
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:53,677
Harold the Hedgehog?
170
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:57,414
Harold the Hedgehog!
Dear little chap.
171
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,650
Whatever happened to that story?
You never finished him.
172
00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:04,588
He nearly finished me!
He wrecked my marriage, prickly cunt.
173
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,425
No, he did, Clair!
I'm sorry, the stress of it.
174
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,794
He fucking drove
Catherine out of my life.
175
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:12,129
What do you want to
talk about him for?
176
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:15,699
Darling, I'm just thinking you need
to earn some money, that's all.
177
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,935
This death thing
could take a while.
178
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:20,537
Timmy the Tortoise
can't pay the bills forever.
179
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,572
I don't want him to.
180
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,308
I didn't mean to become a children's author.
It was a terrible accident.
181
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:26,810
It was your destiny.
182
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:31,115
Look, why not rattle off a little
bedtime story? Hmm?
183
00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:33,683
Timmy Goes to the Seaside, perhaps?
184
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:35,452
- Oh, God.
- Or Harold?
185
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:37,721
How did it start?
186
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:41,825
"Once upon a time there was
a hedgehog called Harold
187
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,994
"who lived in a bush."
188
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:45,395
(LAUGHING)
189
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:49,466
Or Little Johnny Rabbit?
190
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:54,171
The world is dying for another
Little Johnny Rabbit.
191
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,440
Johnny Rabbit is dead.
192
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,242
So is Timmy.
So is the fucking hedgehog.
193
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,444
They're all lying in the middle of the road,
covered in blood.
194
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,514
I killed them.
Tell that to the kids.
195
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:14,624
Darling, we're going
to make this work.
196
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:18,028
Just try not to worry too much.
And take care of yourself.
197
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:19,830
You know me better
than anyone, Clair.
198
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:21,532
Yes, I do.
199
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:24,535
You're a workaholic
and you're sensitive.
200
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,870
I don't want to see you go over the edge
like what's-his-name.
201
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:29,807
(GASPS)
202
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:35,312
JACK: Clair's concerns
about me proved justified.
203
00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:39,783
Three weeks on and Long Ear's head
was playing on my mind.
204
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:41,818
(FLOORBOARDS CREAKING)
205
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:45,355
Life was hellish but it was just about
to get a hell of a lot worse.
206
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:46,557
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
207
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:58,302
Come on then, you bastards!
208
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:02,172
(YELLING)
209
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,374
My knife!
210
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:09,746
(PANTING)
211
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:18,589
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
212
00:14:20,559 --> 00:14:22,125
(YELLS)
213
00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:23,627
(CRASHING)
214
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:25,462
(GASPING)
215
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:37,774
(VOICES WHISPERING)
216
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:38,809
(WHISPERING STOPS)
217
00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,118
(CHUCKLING)
218
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,859
You mad bastard.
219
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:57,628
(CHUCKLES)
220
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:01,698
(URINATING)
221
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:10,741
(STOPS)
222
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,956
(URINATING FITFULLY)
223
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,099
(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK PLAYING)
224
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,218
(SCREAMS)
225
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:35,225
(GASPING)
226
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:51,908
(PUFFS)
227
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:54,611
(EXHALES)
228
00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:57,881
Oh, I got an hour.
229
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,983
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
230
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:07,290
The flying eye.
231
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:11,061
Oh... Someone's on the loose.
232
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:13,730
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
233
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:18,435
"It was 5:00 when the telephone
rang that fateful evening."
234
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,936
- (DOORBELL BUZZES)
- Shit, I could...
235
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,706
CAROL SINGERS:
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
236
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,442
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
237
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:29,312
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year ♪
238
00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:30,647
Hello?
239
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:32,449
Happy Christmas.
240
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,084
ALL: Happy Christmas.
241
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,087
What do you want?
242
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:38,822
We're singing carols.
243
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,157
Yeah, I can see that.
244
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:44,261
Well, ain't you gonna come out
and hear us then, bruv?
245
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:48,031
No, I can hear you perfectly well
from up here. Thank you.
246
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,367
Blud, we've been out here for ages
and no one's given us nothing yet.
247
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,269
Well, honestly,
I think you should
248
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,072
perhaps work on your repertoire.
249
00:17:57,143 --> 00:17:58,174
Our what?
250
00:17:58,210 --> 00:17:59,242
Look, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
251
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:00,410
Good night.
252
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:02,312
But it's for Save the Children.
253
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:05,348
Kids who ain't got no food,
Nintendo or nothing, bruv.
254
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,984
GIRL: ♪ We won't go
until we've got some
255
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:10,420
ALL: ♪ We won't go
until we've got some
256
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,555
♪ We won't go
until we've got some ♪
257
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,124
All right! All right! All right!
258
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,625
Just wait there,
I'm coming down.
259
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:16,960
Yes.
260
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,032
(GASPS)
261
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:28,171
BOY: You gonna open up this door then,
or what, bruv?
262
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:32,041
Um... I tell you
what I'm going to do.
263
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:34,911
Um, I'm gonna put some
loose change into this sock
264
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:38,215
and then I'm gonna feed it
through the letter box.
265
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,352
Did you get that?
266
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:44,287
- BOY 2: Is it clean?
- Is it what?
267
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,323
BOY 1: Is it clean?
Is the sock clean, bruv?
268
00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:48,525
- (DOG BARKS)
- Well...
269
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,628
It's not box fresh,
if that's what you mean.
270
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,696
I... Do you want
this money or not?
271
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:54,764
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
272
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:57,701
(WHISPERS) Oh, God...
273
00:18:58,470 --> 00:18:59,569
Who are you?
274
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,905
- BOY 1: Still there?
- Yes! Yes!
275
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,541
I am. Just stand back.
Okay, stand back.
276
00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:06,243
Um...
277
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,846
Christ, can't you
see I'm not in?
278
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:14,918
Um... Okay. Get ready.
279
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,554
I'm opening my flap.
280
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:23,393
Here it comes.
Gently does it. Gently.
281
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:24,961
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
282
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,563
(SHOUTS) God in heaven,
will you just fuck off
283
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,231
and give me some peace?
284
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:29,633
Hey, wait!
285
00:19:30,436 --> 00:19:31,834
Come back.
286
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:34,671
Oi! What about my sock,
you little... Thieving little...
287
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:39,242
You.
288
00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:40,610
- You did this.
- (TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
289
00:19:40,646 --> 00:19:43,813
You wanna hear my voice,
you sick fuck? Hear this.
290
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:46,916
(WHISPERS) Hello?
291
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:48,118
(FAINTLY) Hello,
it's Clair here.
292
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,020
Hello?
293
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,355
- (LOUDER) Jack, it's Clair.
- Clair!
294
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,690
Why haven't you been answering?
295
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:55,992
I've been calling for hours.
296
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,527
I thought you
were a wrong number.
297
00:19:57,563 --> 00:19:58,562
Well, listen,
298
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:03,433
I've just had a very excited
man on the phone.
299
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,302
- Have you?
- Yes.
300
00:20:06,071 --> 00:20:08,071
He's read your treatment
for Decades of Death
301
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:10,440
and he's very
excited by your ideas.
302
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,776
He wants to meet
you tonight at 8:00.
303
00:20:13,512 --> 00:20:16,780
Oh... I see. 8:00?
304
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,015
Darling, he's off
to New York tomorrow
305
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,817
and it's imperative
you see him before he leaves.
306
00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:22,152
Why is it imperative?
307
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,454
Because he's Harvey Humphries.
308
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:26,156
Harvey Humphries? Who's he?
309
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:27,824
Head of Scripts.
310
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:32,262
Clair look, can I... Can I see him when he
comes back from New York?
311
00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:35,064
Because I've not been sleeping
very well and, um...
312
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:39,169
Jack, he's genuinely excited.
The arrangements have all been made.
313
00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:42,539
Tonight, 8:00, 100 Humbolt Mews.
314
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:47,911
100 Humbolt Mews, 8...
315
00:20:48,314 --> 00:20:49,813
That's in one hour
and 47 minutes.
316
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:51,381
Wear a suit, please.
317
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,515
I don't have any suits.
318
00:20:52,551 --> 00:20:53,983
Well, wear a clean shirt then.
319
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,219
They're all dirty.
I'm down to my last sock.
320
00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:58,388
Then you'll have to go
to the launderette, won't you?
321
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:00,223
(LAUGHS) What?
322
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,425
A launderette? Are you serious?
323
00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:04,194
Of course I am.
What's the problem?
324
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:08,731
It's just, you're...
You're asking a lot, Clair.
325
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,034
Okay? I don't...
I don't do launderettes.
326
00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:12,335
All right! Never have done.
Never will.
327
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,337
It's no place for a man like me.
328
00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:15,805
I mean, exposing
your most intimate
329
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:17,206
articles in front of
complete strangers.
330
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:19,008
Oh, stop it,
you're being ridiculous.
331
00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:21,578
You know me,
Clair, I'm sensitive!
332
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,379
I've never even
bought toilet roll!
333
00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:24,581
All right enough!
334
00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:30,019
Jack, I've worked very hard
getting your script to the right people
335
00:21:30,055 --> 00:21:32,522
and I'm afraid
there's no interest.
336
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,758
I didn't say anything because
I didn't want to disturb you.
337
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:37,260
But that's the reality.
338
00:21:37,529 --> 00:21:41,698
I can't see any other options...
It's Humphries or bust.
339
00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:46,069
- I understand.
- Good.
340
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,838
Call and let me know
how it goes, darling.
341
00:22:00,219 --> 00:22:03,320
JACK: And so it was that I first
came to hear the name
342
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:05,722
Harvey Humphries.
343
00:22:06,859 --> 00:22:09,626
I had sat in every Head of Scripts
department in London
344
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:13,096
listening to these twats full
of white wine and arugula,
345
00:22:13,132 --> 00:22:15,631
but I'd never heard of this man.
346
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,101
Harvey Humphries
of Humbolt Mews.
347
00:22:19,104 --> 00:22:21,371
I didn't like the sound of it.
348
00:22:21,407 --> 00:22:23,206
The name seemed innocent enough,
349
00:22:23,242 --> 00:22:24,974
but there was something
about it that jarred.
350
00:22:25,744 --> 00:22:28,211
I thought it might be the
Harvey-Humphries-Humbolt bit
351
00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:29,479
that was worrying me,
352
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:32,348
but I had a friend called Garry Gordon
who lived in Garrick Street
353
00:22:32,384 --> 00:22:34,417
and he'd never
caused me any problem.
354
00:22:34,653 --> 00:22:39,456
No, it was something stronger than
just a repetition of the "H".
355
00:22:40,259 --> 00:22:41,758
It was more
a sensation of having
356
00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:43,226
heard the name Harvey Humphries
357
00:22:43,262 --> 00:22:45,895
in some unsavory context.
358
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:50,266
Harvey!
359
00:22:52,004 --> 00:22:53,870
It was the "Harvey."
360
00:23:03,649 --> 00:23:07,517
Harvey was the middle name of
Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen,
361
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,852
the myopic Yank
who'd spent all night
362
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:14,357
in the basement of 39 Hilldrop Crescent, N5,
separating his wife.
363
00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:18,061
He'd done her in lime.
364
00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:21,197
Crippen had come from America.
365
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,965
Harvey Humphries
was going to America
366
00:23:23,001 --> 00:23:25,468
within hours of completing
his business with me.
367
00:23:26,805 --> 00:23:28,972
Was Humphries
related to Crippen?
368
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,709
Farfetched as it might seem to
others, it was not impossible.
369
00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:36,246
Crippen was an American. Yes.
370
00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:39,549
And so was Humphries.
Surely it was more than a coincidence
371
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,485
that a man going
to America should be excited
372
00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:46,189
by a title like Decades of Death,
and have the middle name
373
00:23:46,225 --> 00:23:48,591
of one of the most
famous killers of the lot?
374
00:23:52,130 --> 00:23:53,163
No.
375
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:57,633
No, no, no, no. Facts like that
376
00:23:57,669 --> 00:24:00,236
are beyond the realm
of coincidence.
377
00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:12,048
(HUMMING)
378
00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:13,850
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
379
00:24:21,059 --> 00:24:22,892
(CONTINUES RINGING)
380
00:24:25,564 --> 00:24:27,230
Hello? Who's that?
381
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,366
Speak up, I can't hear you...
382
00:24:31,537 --> 00:24:34,504
Oh! Oh, no, Clair's
not here just now.
383
00:24:35,541 --> 00:24:37,040
This is Irene.
384
00:24:38,443 --> 00:24:39,709
You want what?
385
00:24:39,745 --> 00:24:40,910
Harvey Humphries.
386
00:24:41,113 --> 00:24:43,279
Do you know of a man
called Harvey Humphries?
387
00:24:43,315 --> 00:24:45,381
Think carefully before you
answer please, Irene.
388
00:24:45,417 --> 00:24:46,716
A man's life may be at stake.
389
00:24:46,919 --> 00:24:49,452
Ooh, I'll have to
think about this.
390
00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:52,789
Uh, hold on a minute, love.
391
00:24:53,559 --> 00:24:56,692
Well, can you tell her to call Jack back
regarding Harvey Humphries?
392
00:24:56,728 --> 00:24:57,827
Tell her it's a matter
of life and death.
393
00:24:57,863 --> 00:24:59,729
Life and... Life and death?
394
00:24:59,765 --> 00:25:01,230
Yeah, yes, yes.
Tell her that. Exactly.
395
00:25:01,266 --> 00:25:03,032
- Thank you.
- Ooh, right. Will do, dear.
396
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:06,369
Okay, okay, okay,
be rational, be rational.
397
00:25:06,405 --> 00:25:08,271
Clair was obviously
not in her office,
398
00:25:08,307 --> 00:25:10,073
so she must have
telephoned you from home.
399
00:25:10,409 --> 00:25:12,842
That's clear. But seeing as you don't
have her private number,
400
00:25:12,878 --> 00:25:15,645
and she's ex-directory,
there is no way you can call her back.
401
00:25:16,448 --> 00:25:19,549
I have to trust that it was Clair,
and that she meant no malice.
402
00:25:19,585 --> 00:25:22,252
After all, she has
no reason to wish me any harm.
403
00:25:22,721 --> 00:25:24,887
She had no way of knowing
that she was sending one of her clients
404
00:25:24,923 --> 00:25:26,723
to meet a man
related to a murderer.
405
00:25:26,959 --> 00:25:31,727
Only a highly suspicious, paranoid cynic,
or someone like me,
406
00:25:31,763 --> 00:25:33,863
with a... With an eye
for clues and patterns
407
00:25:33,899 --> 00:25:36,098
could possibly connect the dots,
408
00:25:36,134 --> 00:25:39,469
could see the truth
staring him in the face.
409
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:41,837
That Harvey Humphries is in fact
410
00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:43,739
Hawley Harvey
Crippen's grandson!
411
00:25:43,775 --> 00:25:45,841
Ha! No more questions,
Your Honor!
412
00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:47,176
(SHRIEKS)
413
00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:48,845
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
414
00:25:52,651 --> 00:25:54,717
Right, that does it!
415
00:25:54,753 --> 00:25:56,586
Where's the super glue?
416
00:25:56,622 --> 00:25:57,754
(GRUNTS) Right!
417
00:25:58,457 --> 00:26:00,723
You've done nothing
but terrorize me for weeks.
418
00:26:00,759 --> 00:26:02,825
And I've had enough!
I've had enough!
419
00:26:02,861 --> 00:26:05,695
Take that, and that,
and that, and that.
420
00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:08,298
Take that, take this, take this.
421
00:26:09,468 --> 00:26:11,067
(GRUNTING)
422
00:26:11,603 --> 00:26:14,270
Take that! You didn't
expect that, did you?
423
00:26:14,473 --> 00:26:16,673
Well, expect
the unexpected, mate!
424
00:26:17,442 --> 00:26:18,608
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
425
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:26,883
God, that's quick.
426
00:26:28,353 --> 00:26:30,153
(DOORBELL CONTINUES BUZZING)
427
00:26:41,333 --> 00:26:42,332
Hello?
428
00:26:43,135 --> 00:26:44,300
Anyone home?
429
00:26:47,005 --> 00:26:48,071
JACK: Yes? Hello?
430
00:26:48,874 --> 00:26:51,074
Uh, are you
the gentleman in Flat 3?
431
00:26:51,977 --> 00:26:53,376
Who is this?
432
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:56,145
Community Support Police
Officer Perkins, sir.
433
00:26:58,050 --> 00:26:59,949
Good evening.
How can I help you?
434
00:27:00,185 --> 00:27:02,952
Oh, no cause for alarm, uh,
just a routine call, sir.
435
00:27:03,722 --> 00:27:07,023
Uh, some of the kids
over on the estate said, um,
436
00:27:07,059 --> 00:27:09,092
said you might be
in some distress.
437
00:27:13,331 --> 00:27:14,797
How interesting.
438
00:27:15,267 --> 00:27:18,234
And, uh, what might I
be distressed about?
439
00:27:18,904 --> 00:27:22,472
Well, I have no idea, sir.
Are you in any distress?
440
00:27:23,275 --> 00:27:25,441
No, I'm fine, thank you.
I'm just about to do some washing
441
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:27,076
and then I'm going to go to bed.
442
00:27:27,112 --> 00:27:29,512
Oh, well.
Just so you know, we're out
443
00:27:29,548 --> 00:27:31,881
on the beat if you
ever need assistance.
444
00:27:33,351 --> 00:27:35,518
I'm just across the road.
445
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:40,389
Jesus Christ.
446
00:27:40,425 --> 00:27:42,792
Sorry, sir, sorry I was
just checking you were...
447
00:27:43,462 --> 00:27:46,295
I'm... Yeah, well,
I'm very sorry to bother you, sir.
448
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:49,298
Uh, I'll let you get
back to your laundry.
449
00:27:50,736 --> 00:27:54,737
Policeman, my ass!
He was looking for something.
450
00:27:56,608 --> 00:27:58,274
What was he up to?
451
00:27:59,177 --> 00:28:00,610
Jesus, nowhere's safe.
452
00:28:01,413 --> 00:28:04,047
Okay, Humphries,
you want my script?
453
00:28:04,316 --> 00:28:07,650
You can have it! If it means I finally
get paid some decent money
454
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:09,919
and get the hell out
of Hackney. You're on!
455
00:28:10,388 --> 00:28:12,488
Right, where's my wardrobe?
456
00:28:12,924 --> 00:28:15,458
I'll show you, Clair!
I'll show you, Catherine...
457
00:28:16,228 --> 00:28:17,760
Exactly what I am capable of!
458
00:28:17,796 --> 00:28:18,928
(GASPS)
459
00:28:19,598 --> 00:28:21,064
Jesus Christ!
460
00:28:22,901 --> 00:28:23,900
God!
461
00:28:24,336 --> 00:28:26,836
These aren't clothes.
This is refuse.
462
00:28:27,639 --> 00:28:29,004
I might as well
take it into the garden
463
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,306
and dig it in around the roses.
464
00:28:31,677 --> 00:28:34,510
I'd do anything for a break right now,
but not the launderette.
465
00:28:34,946 --> 00:28:37,280
Not for Humphries,
not for any other man.
466
00:28:38,083 --> 00:28:41,617
Why should I?
I've got everything I need here!
467
00:28:42,454 --> 00:28:45,388
I've got water, I've got soap,
I've got drying facilities.
468
00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:47,957
I can do this, Jack.
469
00:28:47,993 --> 00:28:51,127
No more sleepless nights.
No more scuttling around in the dark.
470
00:28:51,163 --> 00:28:52,895
We'll meet this monster head on.
471
00:28:52,931 --> 00:28:54,864
Well-armed and well dressed.
472
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:57,166
It's a quick thrash
in the tub for you,
473
00:28:57,202 --> 00:28:58,568
my lovelies,
then into the dryer.
474
00:29:00,872 --> 00:29:02,105
Right.
475
00:29:02,307 --> 00:29:04,707
A good 15 minutes on
regular nine for the socks,
476
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,475
five minutes less for the pants.
477
00:29:06,511 --> 00:29:08,244
And we'll play the shirt by ear.
478
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:09,746
Now that's cooking with gas!
479
00:29:19,024 --> 00:29:20,556
Okay, here's how to play it.
480
00:29:20,592 --> 00:29:23,058
When you get to the meeting,
refuse to sit down.
481
00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:25,661
Refuse all drinks and cigarettes.
Certainly all food.
482
00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:28,364
The meeting will be
conducted standing up.
483
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,433
And if he leaves the room to make a call,
you go with him.
484
00:29:31,469 --> 00:29:32,969
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
485
00:29:38,243 --> 00:29:40,710
I'll have a pretext
for everything.
486
00:29:41,112 --> 00:29:45,381
I could take an apple
or an onion into the meeting.
487
00:29:45,851 --> 00:29:49,385
Yeah, that'd work. I could use it as
a circumstance to show him my...
488
00:29:50,188 --> 00:29:51,187
Carving knife!
489
00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:55,992
(GROANING)
490
00:30:05,337 --> 00:30:06,602
(PANTING)
491
00:30:17,983 --> 00:30:19,282
(GROANING)
492
00:30:25,724 --> 00:30:27,490
Come on! Come on!
493
00:30:27,826 --> 00:30:28,925
(GRUNTS)
494
00:30:32,564 --> 00:30:33,596
Ow!
495
00:30:34,532 --> 00:30:35,831
Fuck!
496
00:30:35,867 --> 00:30:38,701
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Cut my fucking hand off?
497
00:30:43,441 --> 00:30:46,175
JACK: (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) That's correct,
Officer. When I saw the knife,
498
00:30:46,211 --> 00:30:48,578
I simply defended
myself with the ice pick.
499
00:30:48,780 --> 00:30:51,747
I have no idea how the pick got stuck
in the back of his neck.
500
00:30:52,050 --> 00:30:53,883
Well, I put him in
the bathtub because
501
00:30:53,919 --> 00:30:55,651
the blood was staining
my Persian carpet.
502
00:30:56,588 --> 00:30:57,687
(GASPS)
503
00:30:59,958 --> 00:31:01,490
(DOOR CREAKING)
504
00:31:06,231 --> 00:31:07,396
(SCREAMING)
505
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:15,104
(GROANS)
506
00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:30,786
I'm not dead yet, you bastards.
507
00:31:33,258 --> 00:31:34,390
(SIGHS)
508
00:31:34,993 --> 00:31:36,659
Come on, Jack,
we can still do this.
509
00:31:38,096 --> 00:31:39,762
Against the odds.
We can still beat them.
510
00:31:39,798 --> 00:31:42,732
Now, as I remember,
this thing has some seriously deep pockets.
511
00:31:43,301 --> 00:31:46,535
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can hide a knife in there.
512
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:48,671
That's like Loch Ness in there.
513
00:31:48,707 --> 00:31:49,772
Yeah, you could
hide a whole fucking
514
00:31:49,808 --> 00:31:51,440
submarine in
there if you want to.
515
00:31:51,810 --> 00:31:54,243
I just keep my coat on
and my hand on my ha'penny!
516
00:31:54,879 --> 00:31:57,480
Okay, don't let this guy
psych you out, all right?
517
00:31:57,782 --> 00:31:59,415
You're a writer, Jack, remember?
518
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:03,853
You can just outwit this
two-bit Hollywood gangster!
519
00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:06,322
Gangster?
520
00:32:07,659 --> 00:32:09,325
Say she didn't throw it away.
521
00:32:09,361 --> 00:32:11,493
Please, please,
please, please, please.
522
00:32:11,529 --> 00:32:14,030
Be in here,
be in here, be in here.
523
00:32:14,299 --> 00:32:16,265
Where are you? Where are you?
524
00:32:16,835 --> 00:32:19,735
(GIGGLES) Uzilicious.
525
00:32:20,805 --> 00:32:23,139
My definitive
gangsta rap compilation.
526
00:32:23,475 --> 00:32:24,807
Yeah, yeah!
527
00:32:26,077 --> 00:32:28,711
I remember I wooed
Catherine with this shit.
528
00:32:29,981 --> 00:32:31,414
If it still works.
529
00:32:34,519 --> 00:32:37,419
♪ Ass, tits, cunt, pop, motherfucker... ♪
530
00:32:37,455 --> 00:32:39,355
- Good times, old friend. Good times.
- (TAPE REWINDING)
531
00:32:39,924 --> 00:32:41,557
If you can get
me through college
532
00:32:41,593 --> 00:32:43,125
you can get me through anything.
533
00:32:46,297 --> 00:32:48,998
(SYMPHONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
534
00:32:54,672 --> 00:32:56,072
♪ I drop a old school beat
535
00:32:56,274 --> 00:32:57,573
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
536
00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:06,916
♪ Yeah, yeah
Yeah, you wanna read my script, bitch?
537
00:33:07,385 --> 00:33:08,784
♪ You wanna polish my script?
538
00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:11,287
♪ You wanna polish my script, motherfucker?
Is that what you're saying?
539
00:33:12,190 --> 00:33:13,522
♪ What's up, bitch?
540
00:33:13,558 --> 00:33:15,257
♪ You wanna polish my script?
541
00:33:15,293 --> 00:33:17,359
♪ Wosh!
Polish this, motherfucker
542
00:33:17,395 --> 00:33:18,794
(GUNSHOTS)
543
00:33:25,236 --> 00:33:27,469
♪ I'm gonna step up to a man
called Humphries
544
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:29,705
♪ Wipe that shit up, dawg
just like cream cheese
545
00:33:29,741 --> 00:33:32,207
♪ Up all night, y'all
Rockin' the mike, y'all
546
00:33:32,243 --> 00:33:34,643
♪ Smoking my pipe, y'all
Motherfucker ♪
547
00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:37,012
JACK: (ON TAPE) Yeah, yeah,
Catherine this jam goes out to you.
548
00:33:37,048 --> 00:33:39,148
It's real, true dat
from the heart.
549
00:33:39,184 --> 00:33:41,984
I just want to say you're my girl
and, uh, I love you.
550
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:43,819
Shut up! Shut up! Fuck!
551
00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:45,488
(SIGHS)
552
00:33:47,158 --> 00:33:48,824
Who are you
trying to fool, Jack?
553
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,426
You're not a G-man,
you're a tit!
554
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,031
(SNIFFS)
555
00:33:55,633 --> 00:33:56,899
What's that smell?
556
00:33:58,503 --> 00:34:01,537
Smells like... Burning garbage.
557
00:34:07,078 --> 00:34:08,143
(YELLS)
558
00:34:08,179 --> 00:34:09,912
Not the socks! Not the socks!
559
00:34:11,616 --> 00:34:13,149
Ahhh! Damn it!
560
00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:17,353
(GROANS)
561
00:34:18,123 --> 00:34:19,488
(SCREAMS)
562
00:34:19,524 --> 00:34:21,190
Ow! My eyes!
563
00:34:26,297 --> 00:34:27,329
Oh! (GASPING IN PAIN)
564
00:34:28,299 --> 00:34:30,132
Oh, God, the pants have gone up.
565
00:34:32,337 --> 00:34:34,870
CLAIR: Then you'll have to go to
the launderette, won't you?
566
00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:36,472
(COUGHS)
567
00:34:36,508 --> 00:34:38,674
JACK: (LAUGHS)
A launderette, are you serious?
568
00:34:38,710 --> 00:34:39,975
CLAIR: Of course I am. What's...
569
00:34:40,011 --> 00:34:41,543
Then you'll have to go
to the launderette, won't you?
570
00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:43,145
Then you'll have to
go to the laundrette.
571
00:34:43,181 --> 00:34:44,713
Then you'll have to
go to the laundrette...
572
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:46,082
(JACK SCREAMING)
573
00:34:46,818 --> 00:34:48,050
(CHEERING)
574
00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:49,218
(PARTY HORNS HONKING)
575
00:34:54,859 --> 00:34:56,092
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)
- CHILD: Cake! Cake!
576
00:34:56,528 --> 00:34:58,060
Okay, let's cut the cake.
577
00:34:58,096 --> 00:35:00,596
Dad, can you answer that?
It's Mr. Goofy. He's lost.
578
00:35:00,632 --> 00:35:02,998
Mr. Goofy? Is on my office line?
579
00:35:04,669 --> 00:35:06,135
Right, here we go...
580
00:35:09,707 --> 00:35:11,474
Hello. This is Dr. Friedkin.
581
00:35:11,709 --> 00:35:13,709
You've got to
help me, Dr. Friedkin.
582
00:35:14,045 --> 00:35:15,544
Jack? Is this Jack?
583
00:35:15,580 --> 00:35:19,915
I can't take it anymore. I...
I'm gonna buckle. I swear to God.
584
00:35:20,285 --> 00:35:22,384
Well, it's my
grandson's birthday.
585
00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:27,756
A phobia of launderettes?
586
00:35:28,159 --> 00:35:30,058
No, Jack.
That's a new one to me.
587
00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:32,761
Wait a minute, I'm confused.
Which case study is this?
588
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,397
It's not a case,
Dr. Friedkin. It's me!
589
00:35:36,534 --> 00:35:38,300
I'm the problem. It's me!
590
00:35:38,570 --> 00:35:40,669
Okay, okay, calm down.
591
00:35:40,905 --> 00:35:42,905
Just calm yourself.
592
00:35:43,341 --> 00:35:47,576
Jack, I want you to
take a deep breath.
593
00:35:48,513 --> 00:35:50,179
Now, inhale
594
00:35:52,050 --> 00:35:55,151
and exhale. That's right.
595
00:35:56,487 --> 00:35:58,821
Fill your entire body.
596
00:35:59,724 --> 00:36:03,926
Imagine every cell being rinsed clean
with life-giving oxygen.
597
00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:08,631
Do you have any clues
where the origin of this phobia lies?
598
00:36:09,567 --> 00:36:11,133
I've had it all my life.
599
00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:15,070
I've tried to get on top of it.
600
00:36:16,374 --> 00:36:19,608
I went to a wash house
when I was at college,
601
00:36:19,644 --> 00:36:23,245
but I was just so terrified I accidentally
trapped my load in an O.O.O.
602
00:36:24,482 --> 00:36:25,881
An O.O.O.?
603
00:36:26,150 --> 00:36:28,884
Yes, an "out of order" machine.
604
00:36:29,754 --> 00:36:31,520
I was in there
with about six months'
605
00:36:31,556 --> 00:36:33,255
of unimaginably
sensitive material.
606
00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:37,326
The room gathered round and
engineers were called,
607
00:36:37,362 --> 00:36:38,560
it was a nightmare!
608
00:36:38,596 --> 00:36:40,562
No, no, no Jack,
I sympathize with you,
609
00:36:40,598 --> 00:36:42,932
but as unpleasant as
the experience may have been,
610
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:46,001
it cannot have been traumatic enough
to create such a phobia.
611
00:36:48,072 --> 00:36:49,572
It's ruining my life.
612
00:36:50,308 --> 00:36:53,709
Look, I can help you,
but you must be completely honest.
613
00:36:53,745 --> 00:36:55,177
And you must trust me.
614
00:36:55,847 --> 00:37:00,983
Close your eyes, I want you
to take another deep breath
615
00:37:02,420 --> 00:37:05,321
and imagine you are sitting here
with me now in my office,
616
00:37:05,790 --> 00:37:07,256
having a consultation.
617
00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:12,261
Think of my office
like a space capsule.
618
00:37:12,997 --> 00:37:15,831
From here we can go
anywhere in the universe,
619
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:20,002
in space and time,
by the power of our mind.
620
00:37:21,039 --> 00:37:23,939
To your childhood,
to your dreams.
621
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,913
THE VOICE: Can you
see the little hedgehog?
622
00:37:32,116 --> 00:37:34,149
Frightened little hedgehog
623
00:37:34,385 --> 00:37:37,185
lives in an old
hedgerow by the...
624
00:37:37,221 --> 00:37:40,489
And can you see the spider?
Clever spider.
625
00:37:40,758 --> 00:37:42,524
Waiting in the shadows.
626
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:45,460
And Mrs. Ladybird?
And Mr. Rabbit?
627
00:37:45,496 --> 00:37:48,697
How about old farmer...
628
00:37:48,733 --> 00:37:49,898
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
629
00:37:51,903 --> 00:37:52,901
(SCREAMING)
630
00:38:01,646 --> 00:38:03,746
Did you have a happy childhood?
631
00:38:06,984 --> 00:38:08,550
What is your earliest memory?
632
00:38:08,586 --> 00:38:10,052
The orphanage on fire.
633
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:11,720
(SCOFFS)
634
00:38:11,756 --> 00:38:13,021
You're being facetious.
635
00:38:13,057 --> 00:38:14,289
No, I'm not, really.
636
00:38:14,325 --> 00:38:15,691
The orphanage
I was in caught fire.
637
00:38:16,227 --> 00:38:18,293
Uh, November the 5th, 1979.
638
00:38:18,329 --> 00:38:20,862
Somebody let off a Roman candle
in the dormitory.
639
00:38:20,898 --> 00:38:22,364
Luckily no one was hurt.
640
00:38:22,834 --> 00:38:25,000
You're an orphan?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
641
00:38:25,870 --> 00:38:28,370
My mother abandoned me
when I was five years old.
642
00:38:29,507 --> 00:38:33,575
She just packed me a little suitcase for me
one day and disappeared.
643
00:38:37,181 --> 00:38:39,148
How did it happen, Jack?
644
00:38:41,085 --> 00:38:42,851
It's all right
to feel vulnerable.
645
00:38:43,354 --> 00:38:45,120
These pajamas aren't helping.
646
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,222
Try, Jack.
647
00:38:48,559 --> 00:38:50,259
Try to go back.
648
00:38:51,496 --> 00:38:54,830
The only memory I have of my mother
is of a book she gave me.
649
00:38:55,733 --> 00:38:57,766
Um, fairy tales,
I suppose you'd call them.
650
00:38:58,102 --> 00:39:00,002
With these awful
talking rodents.
651
00:39:00,571 --> 00:39:03,272
(STAMMERS) Truth is,
it doesn't bother me.
652
00:39:03,541 --> 00:39:06,341
I don't miss my mother,
because I don't remember her.
653
00:39:06,377 --> 00:39:09,311
I just... I'm sick of
these irrational fears.
654
00:39:10,281 --> 00:39:13,449
Like the bloody launderette.
It's stopping me from living my life.
655
00:39:14,051 --> 00:39:15,818
Well, you can do
something about it.
656
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:17,820
You're not a child anymore.
657
00:39:18,823 --> 00:39:21,590
I once treated a girl
who had a phobia of bananas.
658
00:39:21,626 --> 00:39:22,791
(LAUGHS)
659
00:39:22,827 --> 00:39:25,327
When this girl came to me,
she was so pleased with herself,
660
00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:28,964
because she'd been able to overcome
her phobia to the extent
661
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,700
that she could sit in the same room
as a closed banana.
662
00:39:32,336 --> 00:39:34,336
It had to stay closed, unzipped,
663
00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:36,305
or else she'd go
completely psychotic.
664
00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:38,740
But the point is,
open or closed,
665
00:39:38,776 --> 00:39:40,809
she had not made the connection
666
00:39:40,845 --> 00:39:42,845
between her phobia and her fear.
667
00:39:43,514 --> 00:39:44,880
Of bananas?
668
00:39:44,916 --> 00:39:46,382
No, she was afraid
of something else.
669
00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:48,417
A past trauma.
Something far more
670
00:39:48,453 --> 00:39:49,918
threatening than a mere banana.
671
00:39:50,455 --> 00:39:52,754
Do you understand?
It's like a movie screen.
672
00:39:52,790 --> 00:39:55,324
She projected her
fear onto the banana,
673
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:58,694
because looking directly at her trauma
was too terrifying.
674
00:39:59,096 --> 00:40:00,495
It was a projection.
675
00:40:00,531 --> 00:40:01,830
Onto a piece of fruit?
676
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:03,432
Exactly.
677
00:40:03,868 --> 00:40:06,034
Her banana's no different
to your launderette.
678
00:40:09,674 --> 00:40:12,441
I also have a reoccurring nightmare.
About an eyeball.
679
00:40:14,512 --> 00:40:15,777
What sort of eyeball?
680
00:40:15,813 --> 00:40:16,979
The giant, floating kind.
681
00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:19,915
Sort of Eye of Death,
watching me.
682
00:40:20,952 --> 00:40:24,520
All fears and neuroses can be traced
back to our early childhood.
683
00:40:25,122 --> 00:40:27,522
To the first
terrifying recognition
684
00:40:27,558 --> 00:40:29,858
that we are alone in the world.
685
00:40:30,962 --> 00:40:33,662
When a young child is abandoned,
it has no concept of time.
686
00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:37,933
No understanding that things can get better,
that there is hope.
687
00:40:37,969 --> 00:40:41,370
For a child, Jack,
mother equals life.
688
00:40:42,073 --> 00:40:47,075
Take away the mother, and the child
is literally swallowed by death.
689
00:40:50,515 --> 00:40:51,747
But, I didn't die, did I?
690
00:40:52,149 --> 00:40:53,815
(CHUCKLES) No.
691
00:40:53,851 --> 00:40:57,686
You lived to experience
your own death.
692
00:40:57,722 --> 00:40:59,288
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
693
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:05,227
That's some scary shit,
Dr. Friedkin.
694
00:41:05,763 --> 00:41:08,797
It's the primal trauma
we are all trying to forget,
695
00:41:10,034 --> 00:41:14,569
to bury in our subconscious,
but it inevitably finds expression,
696
00:41:14,605 --> 00:41:18,440
either in dreams, or fears,
or infantile fantasies.
697
00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:19,674
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
698
00:41:19,711 --> 00:41:21,910
DAUGHTER: Dad? How much longer
are you going to be in there?
699
00:41:22,580 --> 00:41:24,479
Just finishing up, sweet pea!
700
00:41:24,515 --> 00:41:27,049
I'm sorry, Jack.
We have to end now.
701
00:41:27,985 --> 00:41:30,552
I don't know how to
thank you, Dr. Friedkin.
702
00:41:34,058 --> 00:41:36,224
Perhaps as a teenager you were
703
00:41:36,260 --> 00:41:38,627
subliminally
drawn to that O.O.O.,
704
00:41:38,663 --> 00:41:41,730
because somewhere deep
in your subconscious, you recognized
705
00:41:42,533 --> 00:41:44,566
that you too are
"out of order." Broken.
706
00:41:45,202 --> 00:41:46,701
You don't work anymore.
707
00:41:46,737 --> 00:41:50,505
The primary defense mechanisms you relied on
to get you through childhood
708
00:41:50,541 --> 00:41:52,507
no longer support
you as an adult.
709
00:41:52,543 --> 00:41:53,876
I'm sorry?
710
00:41:55,079 --> 00:41:57,312
You're fucked up, Jack.
You need therapy.
711
00:41:57,648 --> 00:41:59,848
Ah, well, I haven't got time.
I've got a meeting in about an hour.
712
00:42:00,017 --> 00:42:02,017
You must return to
the scene of the crime
713
00:42:02,053 --> 00:42:05,087
and retrieve those unwashed articles
locked in the machine.
714
00:42:05,623 --> 00:42:08,156
Release your raw,
true inner self.
715
00:42:08,426 --> 00:42:10,792
Begin a new life,
free from fear.
716
00:42:12,463 --> 00:42:13,595
Fear of death.
717
00:42:14,865 --> 00:42:16,632
(CREAKING)
718
00:42:19,670 --> 00:42:23,972
The irony is, we must all
journey through Hades
719
00:42:24,442 --> 00:42:26,375
before we can reach our heaven.
720
00:42:28,179 --> 00:42:33,148
Dr. Friedkin, I think it's time
I faced my banana.
721
00:42:46,731 --> 00:42:47,729
(GRUNTS)
722
00:42:59,710 --> 00:43:00,809
(PANTING)
723
00:43:04,081 --> 00:43:05,914
- (YELLING)
- (HORN BLARING)
724
00:43:07,151 --> 00:43:08,150
(PUFFS)
725
00:43:13,290 --> 00:43:15,657
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
726
00:44:20,224 --> 00:44:21,256
(MUSIC STOPS)
727
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:24,559
It's all right, mate.
It's all right.
728
00:44:24,595 --> 00:44:26,361
JACK: What the fuck.
729
00:44:32,703 --> 00:44:34,502
Everything all right, sir?
730
00:44:34,538 --> 00:44:36,271
Yes, yes,
I'm, I'm fine, thank you.
731
00:44:36,874 --> 00:44:38,473
Looks like you're
in a bit of a hurry.
732
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:40,442
Yes, well I have
an appointment...
733
00:44:45,583 --> 00:44:46,848
With death.
734
00:44:48,953 --> 00:44:49,951
Excuse me?
735
00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:52,220
I mean with the launderette.
736
00:44:52,790 --> 00:44:55,023
(STAMMERS) I'm going
to wash some socks.
737
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:57,358
There's no crime
in that, is there?
738
00:44:57,394 --> 00:44:58,393
Not that I'm aware of, sir.
739
00:44:58,696 --> 00:44:59,761
Good.
740
00:44:59,797 --> 00:45:01,896
Well, I'll be on
my way then. Good night.
741
00:45:01,932 --> 00:45:03,331
Good night.
742
00:45:12,777 --> 00:45:14,876
JACK: Keep it together,
keep it together.
743
00:45:15,079 --> 00:45:16,411
It's only a banana.
744
00:45:16,447 --> 00:45:18,980
It's not him you're afraid of.
It's only...
745
00:45:19,016 --> 00:45:20,115
(GASPS)
746
00:45:23,988 --> 00:45:26,488
Okay, okay. Stick to the plan.
747
00:45:26,524 --> 00:45:29,324
If I move fast, I can get
in and out in half an hour.
748
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,826
That leaves just 20 minutes
to change and get a taxi north.
749
00:45:31,862 --> 00:45:33,595
No room for error.
750
00:45:41,138 --> 00:45:45,674
"Everything Automatic.
One, open the door.
751
00:45:46,677 --> 00:45:49,010
"Two, get the clothes in.
752
00:45:49,046 --> 00:45:52,147
"Three, shut the door and have
two pound coins ready.
753
00:45:53,317 --> 00:45:55,717
{\an8}"Four, place the money
in the slot.
754
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:59,154
"Five, push your slot in!"
755
00:46:08,833 --> 00:46:10,031
Great!
756
00:46:11,402 --> 00:46:13,135
How do I manage it?
757
00:46:13,337 --> 00:46:15,003
I've managed to create
a bad impression
758
00:46:15,039 --> 00:46:16,705
and I'm still in
the fucking street!
759
00:46:17,741 --> 00:46:20,909
Okay, okay, you can do this.
You can do this!
760
00:46:23,214 --> 00:46:25,180
(EXHALING)
761
00:46:25,683 --> 00:46:26,681
(PUFFS)
762
00:46:52,676 --> 00:46:54,742
JACK: Looks like my lucky day.
763
00:46:54,778 --> 00:46:57,445
Only four people and
no visible infants.
764
00:46:58,883 --> 00:47:02,350
There, look, the atmosphere's
easing a little.
765
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:04,920
I'm blending in.
766
00:47:12,563 --> 00:47:16,731
Okay. So far so good,
I'm already up to number three.
767
00:47:17,701 --> 00:47:20,535
"Shut the door,
have two pound coins ready.
768
00:47:24,475 --> 00:47:26,074
"Four, put the money in.
769
00:47:26,543 --> 00:47:27,642
"Five..."
770
00:47:30,915 --> 00:47:31,913
Shit!
771
00:47:32,375 --> 00:47:33,808
These signs are older
than the machines.
772
00:47:33,891 --> 00:47:34,883
What do I do now?
773
00:47:36,453 --> 00:47:37,619
Heavy soil.
774
00:47:40,157 --> 00:47:41,423
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
775
00:47:42,359 --> 00:47:43,725
Jesus. It's over.
776
00:47:44,595 --> 00:47:46,427
All I have to do now
is stand in front of it
777
00:47:46,463 --> 00:47:48,196
until the things came out clean.
778
00:47:54,805 --> 00:48:00,575
{\an8}(CELL PHONE PLAYING
JINGLE BELLS )
779
00:48:01,412 --> 00:48:05,480
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
780
00:48:08,152 --> 00:48:10,585
JACK: I need to check out
those drying machines.
781
00:48:15,426 --> 00:48:16,458
Interesting...
782
00:48:17,227 --> 00:48:19,193
It appears the technique
is to open the door
783
00:48:19,229 --> 00:48:21,129
and grab the dry
things as they fly past.
784
00:48:22,066 --> 00:48:24,766
That must be so more heat gets
concentrated into the bulkier items,
785
00:48:24,802 --> 00:48:27,602
such as woolens, while at the same time,
anything fragile,
786
00:48:27,638 --> 00:48:30,405
such as bras, are spared
unnecessary exposure.
787
00:48:31,041 --> 00:48:32,974
I'll have to remember that
for my shirt.
788
00:48:33,010 --> 00:48:34,009
Wait...
789
00:48:35,879 --> 00:48:37,078
Something's wrong.
790
00:48:37,748 --> 00:48:39,647
I'm spinning
without a problem, but...
791
00:48:39,683 --> 00:48:41,549
Mine's different to the others.
792
00:48:42,019 --> 00:48:44,319
What is this?
I can't afford a hitch.
793
00:48:44,555 --> 00:48:45,887
Excuse me...
794
00:48:46,323 --> 00:48:48,056
Mine hasn't gone white yet.
795
00:48:48,092 --> 00:48:49,457
What hasn't?
796
00:48:49,493 --> 00:48:50,792
My washing water. Look.
797
00:48:54,832 --> 00:48:56,464
You didn't put no soap in.
798
00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:58,366
I thought the machine did it.
799
00:48:58,402 --> 00:49:00,969
Machine don't put own soap in.
800
00:49:01,171 --> 00:49:03,037
You have to put soap in.
801
00:49:03,073 --> 00:49:04,105
Where your soap?
802
00:49:04,141 --> 00:49:05,173
I haven't got any.
803
00:49:05,209 --> 00:49:07,241
It says,
"Everything is automatic."
804
00:49:07,277 --> 00:49:08,710
{\an8}See number six.
805
00:49:08,746 --> 00:49:10,412
{\an8}"Add detergent."
806
00:49:11,749 --> 00:49:12,948
No.
807
00:49:14,084 --> 00:49:15,517
What am I going to do?
808
00:49:16,053 --> 00:49:17,786
It's not going
to get washed is it?
809
00:49:18,255 --> 00:49:20,255
Not without soap.
810
00:49:21,992 --> 00:49:23,725
JACK: I've done it again!
811
00:49:23,761 --> 00:49:25,026
How is it possible
for me to keep
812
00:49:25,062 --> 00:49:26,260
putting things
into washing machines
813
00:49:26,296 --> 00:49:27,729
without getting them clean?
814
00:49:27,765 --> 00:49:30,165
Look here.
Have you got any soap?
815
00:49:30,601 --> 00:49:32,567
Soap in slot machine. £1.
816
00:49:37,474 --> 00:49:38,807
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
817
00:49:41,412 --> 00:49:42,610
Here. Soap.
818
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:44,979
Thanks.
819
00:49:45,015 --> 00:49:46,281
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
820
00:49:49,053 --> 00:49:50,318
Not now!
821
00:49:50,654 --> 00:49:52,253
You cannot put soap in now,
822
00:49:52,289 --> 00:49:53,588
you've missed your cycle!
823
00:49:54,324 --> 00:49:55,790
You wait.
824
00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:57,692
Will, will you tell me
when to put the soap in?
825
00:49:57,728 --> 00:49:59,394
No. I'm in hurry to go home.
826
00:49:59,430 --> 00:50:00,628
So am I.
827
00:50:01,231 --> 00:50:04,199
You haven't been here
since 8:00 this morning.
828
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:05,834
What've you got in there?
829
00:50:07,971 --> 00:50:08,970
A shirt and some socks.
830
00:50:09,406 --> 00:50:10,405
That's it?
831
00:50:11,108 --> 00:50:12,374
No...
832
00:50:14,011 --> 00:50:15,076
There's a pair in there as well.
833
00:50:15,946 --> 00:50:17,311
A pair?
834
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:19,014
A pair of underpants?
835
00:50:19,416 --> 00:50:21,449
Is that all you put in machine?
836
00:50:21,485 --> 00:50:23,084
I'm allowed to, aren't I?
837
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:25,386
You can put in a handkerchief,
for all I care,
838
00:50:25,422 --> 00:50:28,322
but I think it's a criminal
waste of water.
839
00:50:28,358 --> 00:50:29,357
(LAUGHS)
840
00:50:29,693 --> 00:50:31,159
Sorry, how right you are.
841
00:50:31,962 --> 00:50:33,394
In fact in a funny way, crime
842
00:50:33,430 --> 00:50:34,763
is the only reason
I'm here. (GIGGLES)
843
00:50:35,566 --> 00:50:36,598
I'm going home.
844
00:50:36,834 --> 00:50:38,033
It's 7:30.
845
00:50:38,368 --> 00:50:40,068
JACK: Well, actually it's 7:20.
846
00:50:40,104 --> 00:50:42,036
But uh, if I'd been here
since 8:00 this morning,
847
00:50:42,072 --> 00:50:44,606
I'd have started lying about a lot
more than the time to get out!
848
00:50:49,346 --> 00:50:50,611
We'll miss out the drying.
849
00:50:50,647 --> 00:50:51,846
Yeah, I agree.
850
00:51:02,993 --> 00:51:04,959
JACK: I've missed my cycle.
851
00:51:04,995 --> 00:51:06,828
Will it still get clean?
852
00:51:06,864 --> 00:51:08,029
I'm gonna have to chance it.
853
00:51:08,065 --> 00:51:09,664
I'm cutting it fine as it is.
854
00:51:10,134 --> 00:51:11,899
And why do I seem
to be the only one
855
00:51:11,935 --> 00:51:14,669
with a machine that
refuses to stop spinning!
856
00:51:23,514 --> 00:51:25,346
Those two are
beginning to annoy me.
857
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:29,317
Especially the one in the rollers,
who looks like Caligula.
858
00:51:30,220 --> 00:51:31,719
She's obviously the ringleader.
859
00:51:34,658 --> 00:51:36,624
What the hell are
they staring at?
860
00:51:37,294 --> 00:51:39,727
I mean, I imagine they live
pretty mundane lives
861
00:51:39,763 --> 00:51:41,496
here in these launderettes,
but even so.
862
00:51:41,899 --> 00:51:43,131
(WHIRRING STOPS)
863
00:51:43,167 --> 00:51:45,233
It's over. I'm free!
864
00:51:45,802 --> 00:51:46,801
Get me out of here!
865
00:51:48,539 --> 00:51:50,572
(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK PLAYING)
866
00:52:14,698 --> 00:52:16,831
Oh, no. A beautiful girl.
867
00:52:17,201 --> 00:52:19,033
That's the last thing I need.
868
00:52:19,069 --> 00:52:21,236
It's bad enough shifting underwear
with these louts.
869
00:52:21,672 --> 00:52:23,671
Now I'm going to have to do it
with her watching.
870
00:52:25,609 --> 00:52:26,908
Better be discreet,
871
00:52:27,444 --> 00:52:28,977
it's down to the dryers now.
872
00:52:41,959 --> 00:52:43,591
I'll just hang back here,
873
00:52:43,627 --> 00:52:46,060
hope the beautiful girl
doesn't notice my presence.
874
00:52:49,766 --> 00:52:52,200
She's trying to block
my view of her dryer!
875
00:52:52,236 --> 00:52:54,302
What does she think I am?
A peeping Tom?
876
00:52:55,639 --> 00:52:59,908
Jesus. The size of that.
I've never seen anything like it.
877
00:53:00,510 --> 00:53:03,745
And another! That thing must
have Dunlop written on it.
878
00:53:04,615 --> 00:53:07,515
Oh, thanks. Thanks very much.
879
00:53:07,784 --> 00:53:09,717
That's just downright impolite.
880
00:53:10,153 --> 00:53:13,854
Listen, darling, I don't want to look
at your fucking underwear.
881
00:53:13,890 --> 00:53:15,890
It might excite
the gentlemen in your life,
882
00:53:15,926 --> 00:53:19,293
but as far as I'm concerned
it's about as sexy as a couple of buckets,
883
00:53:19,329 --> 00:53:20,862
which is what it looks like.
884
00:53:32,776 --> 00:53:35,109
I look like something
out of a horror movie!
885
00:53:35,312 --> 00:53:37,778
All those little
ruptured blonde hairs...
886
00:53:37,814 --> 00:53:39,814
My head looks like
a Swede's scrotum!
887
00:53:39,850 --> 00:53:40,948
Ahhh!
888
00:53:40,984 --> 00:53:42,583
JACK: No wonder
they've been watching me.
889
00:53:42,619 --> 00:53:45,386
They're justified in everything.
I look horrifying.
890
00:53:45,422 --> 00:53:46,721
I'm a monster!
891
00:53:50,227 --> 00:53:51,626
What to do?
892
00:53:54,698 --> 00:53:56,397
I've still got half an hour.
893
00:53:57,200 --> 00:54:01,069
I could go to the service station,
get some big sunglasses.
894
00:54:01,705 --> 00:54:05,907
Yeah, yeah, yeah, could work.
895
00:54:06,209 --> 00:54:08,776
Yeah, motherfucker. Hood up.
896
00:54:09,446 --> 00:54:12,713
Right, I've got to get
out of here. And quick.
897
00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:14,081
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
898
00:54:14,117 --> 00:54:15,383
A bit of dampness
never hurt anybody.
899
00:54:20,757 --> 00:54:22,256
(GASPS)
900
00:54:22,292 --> 00:54:24,759
(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)
901
00:54:47,718 --> 00:54:48,816
Forget 'em.
902
00:54:48,852 --> 00:54:50,418
They're lost forever.
903
00:54:50,454 --> 00:54:52,287
Just get the sock and the shirt.
904
00:54:54,391 --> 00:54:55,623
(WOMAN CLEARING THROAT)
905
00:54:55,659 --> 00:54:56,758
Excuse me.
906
00:54:58,462 --> 00:54:59,794
Are these yours?
907
00:55:02,165 --> 00:55:03,398
No.
908
00:55:03,867 --> 00:55:05,466
No. Nothing to do with me.
909
00:55:08,705 --> 00:55:09,737
Um, are they yours?
910
00:55:10,574 --> 00:55:12,473
They're his.
I saw them come out.
911
00:55:15,178 --> 00:55:16,744
Excuse me. What's your name?
912
00:55:16,780 --> 00:55:18,913
John. My name is John.
913
00:55:19,316 --> 00:55:20,581
Then they are yours.
914
00:55:20,617 --> 00:55:22,984
It's embroidered
inside on a little tab.
915
00:55:25,155 --> 00:55:27,688
Yes, yes, they are,
they are mine, yes.
916
00:55:27,724 --> 00:55:29,790
I, I um, I lent them to somebody
a long time ago.
917
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,893
I'm not sure how they got
into my wash actually.
918
00:55:32,829 --> 00:55:34,462
- Don't you want them?
- No!
919
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,798
No, no, no, thank you.
920
00:55:37,300 --> 00:55:38,299
Well, I don't want them.
921
00:55:38,668 --> 00:55:40,067
Throw them in the bin, love.
922
00:55:40,103 --> 00:55:41,569
Well, yes, thank you,
you've been very kind.
923
00:55:41,605 --> 00:55:42,603
(GASPS)
924
00:55:42,939 --> 00:55:44,472
Look out! He's got a blade!
925
00:55:45,142 --> 00:55:46,641
(SCREAMS)
926
00:55:47,277 --> 00:55:48,443
It's not what it looks like.
927
00:55:48,712 --> 00:55:50,044
I'm not going
to hurt anybody. Really!
928
00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:51,278
(SCREAMS)
929
00:55:51,315 --> 00:55:53,114
I'm, I'm... I'm a professional writer.
For television.
930
00:55:53,417 --> 00:55:54,415
Don't, don't, don't go.
931
00:55:54,818 --> 00:55:56,083
Call the cops!
932
00:55:56,119 --> 00:55:58,119
- Call the cops! Call the cops!
- Please!
933
00:55:58,155 --> 00:55:59,420
Stop! Stop! Stop!
934
00:55:59,823 --> 00:56:01,055
(GROANS)
935
00:56:02,959 --> 00:56:05,493
Go! Get! Go, go, go!
936
00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:07,829
Ahhh! Where's the cops?
937
00:56:08,932 --> 00:56:10,364
(DOOR CLOSING)
938
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:12,066
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
939
00:56:12,102 --> 00:56:14,635
CALIGULA: Go that way!
I'm gonna go down this one.
940
00:56:14,905 --> 00:56:16,104
(GASPS)
941
00:56:17,007 --> 00:56:18,005
(GRUNTS)
942
00:56:29,419 --> 00:56:30,685
Half past.
943
00:56:31,922 --> 00:56:33,621
I've still got 20 minutes.
944
00:56:41,898 --> 00:56:43,097
SHEENA: Back off.
945
00:56:43,133 --> 00:56:44,265
Please, I can explain.
946
00:56:44,301 --> 00:56:45,800
{\an8}Let me out! I can explain.
947
00:56:45,836 --> 00:56:47,802
No way! Go on, stay back!
948
00:56:47,838 --> 00:56:52,740
Look, I know I look weird,
but I'm a writer.
949
00:56:53,310 --> 00:56:55,276
I don't normally look like this,
950
00:56:55,312 --> 00:56:57,244
and I certainly don't
wanna use this knife!
951
00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:59,947
Now please, I have a really
important meeting.
952
00:56:59,983 --> 00:57:01,549
Not interested,
mate, okay, and I said,
953
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:03,484
{\an8}"Back off."
954
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:05,386
{\an8}There's must be
another way out of here!
955
00:57:05,422 --> 00:57:07,054
{\an8}(CELL PHONE PLAYING
JINGLE BELLS )
956
00:57:07,357 --> 00:57:08,356
{\an8}SHEENA: Jen!
957
00:57:11,528 --> 00:57:13,161
(DIALING)
958
00:57:13,396 --> 00:57:15,596
They're coming, they're coming!
959
00:57:15,632 --> 00:57:17,465
Hang on. I can hear the sirens.
960
00:57:17,734 --> 00:57:19,600
SHEENA: Hurry up. Hurry up.
He's trying to get out.
961
00:57:19,636 --> 00:57:22,203
Come on, Clair!
Come on, pick up, pick up!
962
00:57:22,239 --> 00:57:23,737
Come on, Clair! Pick up!
963
00:57:23,773 --> 00:57:25,072
- Pick up!
- (SIRENS WAILING)
964
00:57:25,509 --> 00:57:27,108
Oh! Come on.
965
00:57:27,611 --> 00:57:28,776
(GRUNTS)
966
00:57:30,380 --> 00:57:31,913
(SIRENS CONTINUE)
967
00:57:36,419 --> 00:57:37,451
Oh.
968
00:57:37,487 --> 00:57:39,086
You say he threatened you?
969
00:57:39,122 --> 00:57:40,621
I'll say. He's sick as pig!
970
00:57:41,558 --> 00:57:42,557
(KNOCKS)
971
00:57:45,562 --> 00:57:47,028
Stand by. We've got a nutter.
972
00:57:47,230 --> 00:57:49,129
SHEENA: Hurry up!
He's trying to get away!
973
00:57:49,165 --> 00:57:50,397
Okay, stand back!
974
00:57:50,433 --> 00:57:51,999
(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO)
975
00:57:52,035 --> 00:57:54,101
Roger, about to
apprehend said knife man.
976
00:57:54,137 --> 00:57:55,136
Over.
977
00:57:56,873 --> 00:57:58,072
PC: Positions.
978
00:58:00,310 --> 00:58:01,843
SERGEANT: Follow!
Follow! Follow!
979
00:58:02,312 --> 00:58:03,444
- WPC: I'm in.
- PC: Right.
980
00:58:05,515 --> 00:58:06,547
I can't see him.
981
00:58:06,583 --> 00:58:07,982
Dryers clear, Sarge.
Dryers clear.
982
00:58:08,018 --> 00:58:09,350
WPC: Hatch clear.
983
00:58:09,386 --> 00:58:11,619
No visuals.
No visuals. No visuals.
984
00:58:11,655 --> 00:58:12,920
Where is he then?
985
00:58:12,956 --> 00:58:14,121
CAMERA MAN: Is this
the right launderette?
986
00:58:14,391 --> 00:58:15,790
WPC: Covered!
PC: Stay still! Stay still!
987
00:58:17,727 --> 00:58:18,759
Stay still.
988
00:58:20,330 --> 00:58:22,296
SERGEANT:
Right, sonny. Drop the knife!
989
00:58:23,700 --> 00:58:25,432
Now! Drop the knife.
990
00:58:25,468 --> 00:58:26,734
Step forward!
991
00:58:26,770 --> 00:58:28,636
Hands up where we can see 'em!
992
00:58:28,672 --> 00:58:31,072
I'm not here to hurt anybody.
993
00:58:32,342 --> 00:58:33,841
I'm a professional writer.
994
00:58:33,877 --> 00:58:36,477
Drop the knife,
don't give me no mumbo.
995
00:58:36,913 --> 00:58:37,912
Mumbo?
996
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:39,480
Mumbo jumbo.
997
00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:40,614
Oh, well, it's stuck.
998
00:58:40,650 --> 00:58:42,216
You heard the Sarge, drop it!
999
00:58:42,252 --> 00:58:43,884
We want the knife, bitch!
1000
00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:45,052
Be my guest!
1001
00:58:45,088 --> 00:58:46,220
Tase him.
1002
00:58:46,756 --> 00:58:47,988
Ow!
1003
00:58:48,024 --> 00:58:49,990
- (ZAPPING)
- (SCREAMING)
1004
00:58:50,026 --> 00:58:52,593
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1005
01:00:51,948 --> 01:00:53,381
WPC: This way please, sir.
1006
01:00:54,718 --> 01:00:57,818
All right, back off, sonny,
back off. Out of the way.
1007
01:00:57,854 --> 01:00:59,219
Help him get that off, will ya?
1008
01:00:59,255 --> 01:01:00,487
I can't take him anywhere
with that thing on.
1009
01:01:00,523 --> 01:01:01,689
Okay, this way, sir.
1010
01:01:02,492 --> 01:01:04,492
Sir, "You do not
have to say anything.
1011
01:01:05,095 --> 01:01:08,295
"Anything you do say
may be given in evidence."
1012
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:10,164
He wants locking up, that boy!
1013
01:01:10,800 --> 01:01:12,332
Lock him up and
throw away the key!
1014
01:01:12,368 --> 01:01:14,001
JACK: It's not me
you should be after.
1015
01:01:14,037 --> 01:01:16,103
It's this bastard
in North London.
1016
01:01:16,139 --> 01:01:17,471
Harvey... That's blinding.
1017
01:01:17,707 --> 01:01:18,839
All right.
1018
01:01:18,875 --> 01:01:20,708
Filming for Beat Cops, mate.
It's gonna be on TV.
1019
01:01:22,612 --> 01:01:24,244
Anything you wanna say to
the viewers of Beat Cops, mate?
1020
01:01:24,280 --> 01:01:25,813
No. Go away.
1021
01:01:25,849 --> 01:01:28,783
This is my life, you know,
this is not some excuse for cheap TV.
1022
01:01:29,185 --> 01:01:30,384
Ow!
1023
01:01:30,420 --> 01:01:31,552
All right, you're
being very brave.
1024
01:01:31,588 --> 01:01:32,620
Bugger off, sonny.
You've got what you want.
1025
01:01:33,490 --> 01:01:34,488
Sarge, look...
1026
01:01:34,891 --> 01:01:36,924
I set fire to myself
before I came out,
1027
01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:38,559
and then accidentally glued
this knife to my hand.
1028
01:01:38,595 --> 01:01:40,627
- You threatened those ladies.
- I didn't!
1029
01:01:40,663 --> 01:01:41,829
They say you did.
1030
01:01:43,133 --> 01:01:44,732
I really didn't, please can you tell them.
I didn't, did I?
1031
01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:47,768
No. He just sort of
"got it out."
1032
01:01:47,804 --> 01:01:50,104
Well, he can tell us
all about it down the station.
1033
01:01:50,406 --> 01:01:51,472
Right. He is done.
1034
01:01:51,508 --> 01:01:52,539
Okay.
1035
01:01:52,575 --> 01:01:53,708
(WHISTLES) Everyone!
1036
01:01:55,545 --> 01:01:57,878
It's all over. You can
go back to your homes.
1037
01:01:57,914 --> 01:01:59,379
Safety has been restored.
1038
01:01:59,415 --> 01:02:00,848
SERGEANT: Thank you everyone.
1039
01:02:00,884 --> 01:02:02,016
See you later.
1040
01:02:03,286 --> 01:02:04,885
Load him up.
1041
01:02:04,921 --> 01:02:06,420
Wait! I'm innocent.
1042
01:02:06,456 --> 01:02:08,455
Look, I've got
a meeting this evening.
1043
01:02:08,491 --> 01:02:09,857
Tell him I'm safe!
1044
01:02:09,893 --> 01:02:12,226
That's enough, sonny,
or I'll do you for resisting arrest.
1045
01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:14,094
I'm a victim of circumstance!
1046
01:02:14,130 --> 01:02:15,396
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
1047
01:02:18,401 --> 01:02:21,201
SERGEANT: All units,
Mare Street! Go! Go! Go!
1048
01:02:21,237 --> 01:02:23,337
Sarge, Little Vietnam,
big trouble.
1049
01:02:23,373 --> 01:02:24,404
Right.
1050
01:02:24,440 --> 01:02:26,440
What do we do
with, er... Paddington?
1051
01:02:26,476 --> 01:02:28,408
Take him with us.
Chuck him in the back!
1052
01:02:28,444 --> 01:02:30,311
Hey, no way, I've got a meeting!
1053
01:02:32,015 --> 01:02:33,514
Come on then! Shake a leg!
1054
01:02:34,217 --> 01:02:35,683
Follow that chopper!
1055
01:02:40,290 --> 01:02:43,457
PC: Oh, for God's sake.
Mirror, signal, maneuver!
1056
01:02:43,493 --> 01:02:44,725
SERGEANT:
Mirror, signal, maneuver.
1057
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:46,694
WPC: Shut up!
I am driving this truck!
1058
01:02:49,732 --> 01:02:51,365
(SIREN WAILING)
1059
01:03:05,982 --> 01:03:08,048
Looks like they let you go after all.
1060
01:03:09,419 --> 01:03:10,684
You're free.
1061
01:03:12,155 --> 01:03:13,320
Free.
1062
01:03:18,995 --> 01:03:20,361
It's fate.
1063
01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:23,731
I'm facing my demons.
1064
01:03:26,669 --> 01:03:28,269
And I'm winning.
1065
01:03:28,905 --> 01:03:30,604
(LAUGHS)
1066
01:03:32,942 --> 01:03:34,275
I'm free!
1067
01:03:35,845 --> 01:03:37,444
Come on, stars!
1068
01:03:37,480 --> 01:03:39,079
Give me your best shot!
1069
01:03:40,783 --> 01:03:42,082
I'm ready!
1070
01:03:44,721 --> 01:03:46,020
Let's do this!
1071
01:03:46,956 --> 01:03:48,388
Oh! (LAUGHS)
1072
01:03:48,424 --> 01:03:50,191
- Evening, sir.
- Sorry, Officer.
1073
01:03:51,661 --> 01:03:53,026
Something funny, sir?
1074
01:03:53,062 --> 01:03:54,761
No. I'm, I'm just happy.
1075
01:03:54,797 --> 01:03:55,963
Happy?
1076
01:03:56,666 --> 01:03:57,965
Are you drunk, sir?
1077
01:03:58,001 --> 01:03:59,233
No, I'm a writer.
1078
01:03:59,269 --> 01:04:00,234
Oh, yeah?
1079
01:04:00,270 --> 01:04:01,501
Yes, uh, I'm just
on my way to meet
1080
01:04:01,537 --> 01:04:03,037
a Hollywood movie
mogul, actually.
1081
01:04:03,439 --> 01:04:04,537
You're kidding?
1082
01:04:04,574 --> 01:04:06,673
Yeah, he's very interested
in buying my script.
1083
01:04:06,709 --> 01:04:08,242
About, uh, serial killers.
1084
01:04:08,278 --> 01:04:09,743
You don't say.
1085
01:04:09,780 --> 01:04:10,808
Oh, are you all right, miss?
1086
01:04:10,891 --> 01:04:12,779
Did you, um, did you get
your laundry done?
1087
01:04:12,815 --> 01:04:14,581
No. Maybe another night.
1088
01:04:14,617 --> 01:04:16,817
Oh, well. Well,
good night then, miss.
1089
01:04:17,921 --> 01:04:19,153
Night, sir.
1090
01:04:29,599 --> 01:04:31,031
(SHOE SQUEAKING)
1091
01:04:35,838 --> 01:04:37,871
DR. FRIEDKIN: You must return
to the scene of the crime
1092
01:04:37,907 --> 01:04:40,941
and retrieve those unwashed articles
locked in the machine.
1093
01:04:41,210 --> 01:04:43,911
Release your raw,
true inner self.
1094
01:04:43,947 --> 01:04:46,747
Begin a new life,
free from fear.
1095
01:05:02,865 --> 01:05:05,633
JACK: Okay, okay, I got this.
1096
01:05:06,102 --> 01:05:11,272
Dr. Friedkin, one banana signed,
peeled and...
1097
01:05:13,176 --> 01:05:14,908
(DOOR CREAKING)
1098
01:05:17,981 --> 01:05:20,114
(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK PLAYING)
1099
01:07:06,456 --> 01:07:08,222
(BEEPING)
1100
01:07:18,868 --> 01:07:20,000
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
1101
01:07:22,839 --> 01:07:23,837
(GRUNTING)
1102
01:07:25,475 --> 01:07:26,473
(GRUNTING)
1103
01:07:33,883 --> 01:07:35,749
(MUFFLED) Oh, my God!
What happened?
1104
01:07:35,785 --> 01:07:36,950
(MUFFLED) I don't know!
1105
01:07:36,986 --> 01:07:38,485
Where are we?
We have to get out of here!
1106
01:07:38,855 --> 01:07:39,886
Yes! Yes!
1107
01:07:39,922 --> 01:07:41,989
(SHOUTING UNINTELLIGIBLY)
1108
01:07:43,226 --> 01:07:44,224
Huh?
1109
01:07:46,596 --> 01:07:49,362
Oh, my God, what happened?
How did we get here?
1110
01:07:49,398 --> 01:07:50,798
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1111
01:07:51,067 --> 01:07:53,300
I was... I was
walking down the road.
1112
01:07:53,336 --> 01:07:57,104
Yeah, I was walking down the alley
and I heard a noise, and...
1113
01:07:57,540 --> 01:07:58,672
Oh, God, I feel sick.
1114
01:07:58,708 --> 01:08:01,708
Oh, my God, I have to let
my parents know I'm here.
1115
01:08:01,744 --> 01:08:03,910
They'll panic, they'll panic.
1116
01:08:03,946 --> 01:08:05,579
I don't want them to panic!
1117
01:08:05,615 --> 01:08:07,514
- (MUFFLED SPEECH)
- What's that?
1118
01:08:07,550 --> 01:08:08,682
(MUFFLED) I can't breathe.
1119
01:08:08,718 --> 01:08:09,816
You're gonna heave?
1120
01:08:09,852 --> 01:08:11,251
- I can't breathe.
- You can't leave?
1121
01:08:11,287 --> 01:08:12,419
I can't breathe!
1122
01:08:12,455 --> 01:08:14,488
Oh, you can't breathe!
I'm so sorry!
1123
01:08:18,327 --> 01:08:19,827
(COUGHING)
1124
01:08:20,830 --> 01:08:21,862
Thank you.
1125
01:08:21,898 --> 01:08:22,896
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1126
01:08:24,433 --> 01:08:26,433
They must have drugged us
and dumped us here, the bastards.
1127
01:08:26,469 --> 01:08:28,435
Who? Who did this?
1128
01:08:28,471 --> 01:08:29,570
The Vietnamese mafia.
1129
01:08:29,872 --> 01:08:30,937
Think about it.
1130
01:08:30,973 --> 01:08:32,239
Look around you,
we're still in the launderette.
1131
01:08:32,275 --> 01:08:33,874
This must be some
sort of safe house.
1132
01:08:33,910 --> 01:08:35,442
They must have caught me
snooping around and thought...
1133
01:08:35,478 --> 01:08:36,510
(VIETNAMESE ACCENT)
"Let's tie this one up,
1134
01:08:36,546 --> 01:08:37,711
and dump him in the cellar."
1135
01:08:37,747 --> 01:08:38,779
Oh, my God.
1136
01:08:40,083 --> 01:08:41,548
No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't add up.
It doesn't add up at all.
1137
01:08:41,851 --> 01:08:43,511
They might have suspected me
of being up to something,
1138
01:08:43,553 --> 01:08:44,618
but you were on your way home.
1139
01:08:44,654 --> 01:08:46,353
You were no threat,
no threat whatsoever.
1140
01:08:46,389 --> 01:08:47,588
What are you saying?
1141
01:08:48,291 --> 01:08:49,890
It must have been premeditated.
1142
01:08:51,427 --> 01:08:52,993
We've been abducted
by a crazed psychopath
1143
01:08:53,029 --> 01:08:54,461
whose sole intention
is to terrorize,
1144
01:08:54,497 --> 01:08:55,829
torture, and terminate
our existence.
1145
01:08:58,034 --> 01:08:59,099
No.
1146
01:08:59,468 --> 01:09:00,833
What do you mean, no? No!
1147
01:09:00,870 --> 01:09:05,505
I refuse to believe that.
What about... Mistaken identity, huh?
1148
01:09:05,541 --> 01:09:08,375
This, this could all
be a practical joke!
1149
01:09:08,411 --> 01:09:09,509
A joke?
1150
01:09:09,545 --> 01:09:10,577
Are you out of your mind?
1151
01:09:10,613 --> 01:09:12,345
No, you're... You're paranoid.
1152
01:09:12,381 --> 01:09:13,813
You're jumping to conclusions.
1153
01:09:13,849 --> 01:09:15,448
Lady, there is
a time and a place for
1154
01:09:15,484 --> 01:09:17,017
accusing a man of being paranoid
1155
01:09:17,053 --> 01:09:19,119
and this is not
fuckin' one of them.
1156
01:09:19,155 --> 01:09:21,254
Help! Help us, please!
1157
01:09:21,290 --> 01:09:23,390
Help! Please!
1158
01:09:23,426 --> 01:09:26,293
BOTH: Help! Help!
1159
01:09:26,329 --> 01:09:27,794
Please, please!
1160
01:09:28,097 --> 01:09:29,829
Somebody help us!
1161
01:09:29,865 --> 01:09:31,465
- Hel...
- (THUD)
1162
01:09:33,035 --> 01:09:34,701
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
1163
01:09:35,638 --> 01:09:36,904
Listen!
1164
01:09:39,242 --> 01:09:40,774
Somebody's up there.
1165
01:09:41,177 --> 01:09:42,442
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
1166
01:09:44,814 --> 01:09:46,280
What do we do?
1167
01:09:51,587 --> 01:09:53,086
(SANGEET SOBBING)
1168
01:09:59,762 --> 01:10:01,395
Mummy...
1169
01:10:02,698 --> 01:10:03,964
(DOOR OPENING)
1170
01:10:14,577 --> 01:10:16,777
(JACK WHIMPERING)
1171
01:10:19,415 --> 01:10:20,981
MAN: Hello?
1172
01:10:23,653 --> 01:10:24,985
What's going on
down there, then?
1173
01:10:25,187 --> 01:10:26,954
Oh, oh, mate.
1174
01:10:27,657 --> 01:10:29,155
Are you all right?
1175
01:10:29,191 --> 01:10:32,125
Mate, I have never been so happy
to see a, a, sup...
1176
01:10:32,595 --> 01:10:33,860
Community Support
Police Officer.
1177
01:10:33,896 --> 01:10:36,029
Yes, Community Support
Police Officer in my life.
1178
01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:37,197
Quickly, untie us!
1179
01:10:37,233 --> 01:10:38,832
- Come down, please!
- No, no, shit...
1180
01:10:38,868 --> 01:10:40,333
No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.
Go, go back up.
1181
01:10:40,369 --> 01:10:42,235
- Go back. Get some help. Get some backup.
- Right.
1182
01:10:42,271 --> 01:10:44,271
But we're trapped!
We are trapped!
1183
01:10:44,307 --> 01:10:46,039
- He can see that!
- Don't leave us!
1184
01:10:46,075 --> 01:10:48,541
Look, if they come back and he's here,
they'll get him too!
1185
01:10:48,577 --> 01:10:50,377
- He's police.
- He's not even armed.
1186
01:10:50,413 --> 01:10:52,813
Look at him. They haven't even
given him a fucking whistle!
1187
01:10:53,115 --> 01:10:55,215
Listen, mate, go
and get some help.
1188
01:10:55,251 --> 01:10:57,317
Get some men with
guns and the dogs.
1189
01:10:57,353 --> 01:10:58,352
And some dogs with guns.
1190
01:10:58,554 --> 01:11:00,954
And a fucking helicopter.
Just go! Go!
1191
01:11:13,102 --> 01:11:14,434
(DOOR CLOSING)
1192
01:11:16,339 --> 01:11:17,337
Oh!
1193
01:11:19,075 --> 01:11:20,641
On second thought,
1194
01:11:21,677 --> 01:11:23,510
I think I'll just
stay here with you.
1195
01:11:25,047 --> 01:11:27,014
Very cozy. Just the three of us.
1196
01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:28,848
The criminal stare...
1197
01:11:28,884 --> 01:11:30,216
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1198
01:11:30,252 --> 01:11:31,718
What's he doing?
1199
01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:34,187
JACK: I'm afraid
this is one very sick
1200
01:11:34,223 --> 01:11:36,356
Community Support
Police Officer.
1201
01:11:38,027 --> 01:11:39,359
PERKINS: Very good.
1202
01:11:41,831 --> 01:11:44,597
You know, you...
You can't beat these
1203
01:11:44,633 --> 01:11:47,301
old machines for
sheer craftsmanship.
1204
01:11:48,738 --> 01:11:50,337
Front loading,
1205
01:11:51,040 --> 01:11:52,472
motor power,
1206
01:11:53,242 --> 01:11:54,841
elegant design.
1207
01:11:56,412 --> 01:11:58,545
Oh, admittedly,
they don't spin as fast as
1208
01:11:58,581 --> 01:12:00,580
the modern machines do,
but so what?
1209
01:12:01,684 --> 01:12:03,650
As Mahatma Gandhi said,
"There's more
1210
01:12:03,686 --> 01:12:05,652
"to life than simply
increasing its speed."
1211
01:12:06,422 --> 01:12:09,022
And looking at this washing machine,
you'd have to agree with him.
1212
01:12:09,825 --> 01:12:11,792
I mean, it's a bloody
work of art.
1213
01:12:16,098 --> 01:12:17,798
I said it's a work of art.
1214
01:12:18,334 --> 01:12:19,599
Don't you agree?
1215
01:12:20,803 --> 01:12:22,102
Yes, it's very nice.
1216
01:12:22,772 --> 01:12:26,173
Right, well, uh,
take comfort in that.
1217
01:12:27,276 --> 01:12:30,310
Because it's the last thing you're going
to see before you die.
1218
01:12:32,782 --> 01:12:34,581
If, if you both look closely,
1219
01:12:34,617 --> 01:12:37,551
you'll notice a pea
green flashing light.
1220
01:12:38,254 --> 01:12:41,154
Which means that while you
were both sleeping,
1221
01:12:41,190 --> 01:12:43,456
this machine has
already passed smoothly
1222
01:12:43,492 --> 01:12:46,193
through the stages of
pre-wash and main wash.
1223
01:12:46,729 --> 01:12:49,028
And is now completing
the last rinse.
1224
01:12:49,064 --> 01:12:51,064
(CLATTERING)
1225
01:12:52,168 --> 01:12:53,266
Ow.
1226
01:12:55,037 --> 01:13:00,941
This will shortly be followed by
the magnificent "Final Spin,"
1227
01:13:01,744 --> 01:13:04,678
at which point
the cycle will end,
1228
01:13:05,281 --> 01:13:07,080
the light will turn red,
1229
01:13:09,752 --> 01:13:13,787
and I shall have the pleasure of
sending you both to a better
1230
01:13:13,823 --> 01:13:17,057
and, one would hope,
cleaner world than this.
1231
01:13:18,394 --> 01:13:20,226
You fucking maniac.
1232
01:13:20,262 --> 01:13:22,429
I was just gonna go home tonight
and catch some telly...
1233
01:13:23,032 --> 01:13:27,033
But when you mentioned you were a writer,
about serial killers,
1234
01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:29,068
I thought, "No.
1235
01:13:29,104 --> 01:13:31,071
"No, this is meant to be.
1236
01:13:31,740 --> 01:13:33,106
"This is fate."
1237
01:13:33,142 --> 01:13:34,141
JACK: What do you call yourself?
1238
01:13:34,543 --> 01:13:35,808
What's that, mate?
1239
01:13:35,845 --> 01:13:39,246
What do you call yourself?
The... The Spin King? The Laundry Man?
1240
01:13:39,582 --> 01:13:42,115
No, I'm the Hanoi Handshake!
That's me.
1241
01:13:42,618 --> 01:13:45,285
After I kill you,
I'm going to chop your fingers off
1242
01:13:45,321 --> 01:13:46,987
and pin it on
the Vietnamese lot.
1243
01:13:47,823 --> 01:13:48,989
Why?
1244
01:13:49,592 --> 01:13:51,258
Why are you doing this?
1245
01:13:51,694 --> 01:13:53,927
Oh, well, it's complicated.
1246
01:13:54,997 --> 01:13:57,998
You see, this launderette
used to belong to my grandmother.
1247
01:13:58,634 --> 01:14:00,834
That is before the whole neighborhood
went to pot.
1248
01:14:02,104 --> 01:14:03,403
Pol Pot.
1249
01:14:04,139 --> 01:14:06,906
No, the uh, the boat
people elbowed her out.
1250
01:14:06,942 --> 01:14:08,575
Broke her heart. Killed her.
1251
01:14:09,178 --> 01:14:10,877
So, uh, I'm on a rampage.
1252
01:14:11,213 --> 01:14:12,879
A rampage of vengeance.
1253
01:14:13,315 --> 01:14:14,814
Oh, I... I see.
1254
01:14:14,850 --> 01:14:16,783
Well, anyway...
That's not important now, though.
1255
01:14:16,819 --> 01:14:18,384
What is important...
1256
01:14:18,420 --> 01:14:21,021
Is that I've got the key,
1257
01:14:21,390 --> 01:14:23,023
and no one knows we're here.
1258
01:14:23,692 --> 01:14:24,858
So then, if you don't mind,
1259
01:14:26,162 --> 01:14:28,929
I've just got to, uh, quickly go upstairs
and sharpen my knife.
1260
01:14:32,067 --> 01:14:33,300
Sit tight, kids.
1261
01:14:38,207 --> 01:14:43,009
And remember, when the light
goes red, you're dead!
1262
01:14:52,321 --> 01:14:53,887
(BEEPING)
1263
01:14:55,124 --> 01:14:56,456
(WHIRRING)
1264
01:14:59,261 --> 01:15:00,193
Hmm.
1265
01:15:01,130 --> 01:15:02,595
The rinse is ending.
1266
01:15:02,631 --> 01:15:04,264
(LAUGHING)
1267
01:15:15,311 --> 01:15:16,943
Oh, that's it then, isn't it?
1268
01:15:17,346 --> 01:15:20,814
Not only am I not gonna make my meeting
with Harvey Humphries tonight,
1269
01:15:21,116 --> 01:15:23,683
I'm gonna fucking die! (SOBBING)
1270
01:15:24,386 --> 01:15:26,720
Hey, stop it!
1271
01:15:28,090 --> 01:15:30,423
You mustn't lose hope.
1272
01:15:30,459 --> 01:15:32,092
There's no hope.
1273
01:15:32,561 --> 01:15:33,726
We're dead.
1274
01:15:33,762 --> 01:15:35,729
There is always hope!
1275
01:15:36,031 --> 01:15:38,999
I was abandoned
in a launderette as a child.
1276
01:15:41,036 --> 01:15:44,371
I couldn't speak for six weeks,
I was so afraid.
1277
01:15:45,641 --> 01:15:47,340
I've come full circle.
1278
01:15:48,344 --> 01:15:53,613
I'm alive, alive to experience
my own death.
1279
01:15:54,683 --> 01:15:56,383
It's destiny!
1280
01:15:58,120 --> 01:15:59,252
No!
1281
01:16:00,356 --> 01:16:01,454
(FAINTLY) No!
1282
01:16:02,725 --> 01:16:04,057
No!
1283
01:16:05,027 --> 01:16:06,359
No!
1284
01:16:35,257 --> 01:16:40,694
Listen, your mother,
she gave up on herself, not on you.
1285
01:16:41,163 --> 01:16:43,663
You don't make the same mistake.
1286
01:16:44,633 --> 01:16:46,166
We can do it together.
1287
01:16:48,003 --> 01:16:51,538
Come on, we have to
try and reason with him!
1288
01:16:52,875 --> 01:16:54,608
There's always hope.
1289
01:16:59,882 --> 01:17:01,548
I don't even know your name.
1290
01:17:02,184 --> 01:17:04,684
Sangeet. My name is Sangeet.
1291
01:17:06,288 --> 01:17:07,554
Sangeet.
1292
01:17:08,023 --> 01:17:10,023
That's a very beautiful name.
1293
01:17:11,894 --> 01:17:15,128
Sangeet, do you think
if all this blows over
1294
01:17:15,931 --> 01:17:19,732
you and I might perhaps
get some dinner or...
1295
01:17:19,768 --> 01:17:21,501
(CHUCKLES)
1296
01:17:21,537 --> 01:17:22,936
That's the spirit, John!
1297
01:17:23,205 --> 01:17:24,237
(DOOR OPENING)
1298
01:17:30,245 --> 01:17:33,413
Hey, call me Jack.
1299
01:17:37,753 --> 01:17:39,886
( THE FINAL COUNTDOWN PLAYING)
1300
01:17:54,470 --> 01:17:58,605
Those about to die,
we salute you!
1301
01:18:19,628 --> 01:18:22,462
What's wrong?
Not your cup of tea?
1302
01:18:26,201 --> 01:18:28,234
But how can you not like this?
1303
01:18:28,670 --> 01:18:31,604
This is top-notch.
This is classic rock.
1304
01:18:32,741 --> 01:18:34,708
Uh, no.
1305
01:18:35,878 --> 01:18:38,278
Technically, this is
80's hair metal.
1306
01:18:39,348 --> 01:18:40,447
What?
1307
01:18:42,484 --> 01:18:43,817
(MUSIC STOPS)
1308
01:18:44,319 --> 01:18:45,485
Right!
1309
01:18:45,921 --> 01:18:49,255
I'll have you know that
that track was number one
1310
01:18:49,291 --> 01:18:51,557
in 25 separate
countries in 1986.
1311
01:18:51,593 --> 01:18:52,859
Twenty-five!
1312
01:18:53,562 --> 01:18:55,461
Now I think that
qualifies it as an
1313
01:18:55,497 --> 01:18:57,363
all-time rock classic.
Don't you?
1314
01:18:57,399 --> 01:19:00,400
Yeah. Well, we,
we had different childhoods, mate.
1315
01:19:00,636 --> 01:19:02,335
While, while you
were jumping around
1316
01:19:02,371 --> 01:19:04,036
in your bedroom
to men in tights,
1317
01:19:04,072 --> 01:19:07,206
I was, I was keeping it fresh, you know,
rolling with the brothers,
1318
01:19:07,242 --> 01:19:08,307
you know what I'm saying, y'all?
1319
01:19:08,343 --> 01:19:09,375
Dusting off my AK-Motherfucker.
1320
01:19:09,411 --> 01:19:11,244
Well, you missed out!
1321
01:19:14,616 --> 01:19:16,182
You don't know what
you're talking about, anyway.
1322
01:19:21,990 --> 01:19:24,657
I used to lie
over there, on my bed,
1323
01:19:25,260 --> 01:19:26,726
with my headphones on,
1324
01:19:27,196 --> 01:19:29,863
and I, I'd just disappear
into my imagination.
1325
01:19:30,265 --> 01:19:32,799
Gran always said I had
a very vivid imagination.
1326
01:19:33,101 --> 01:19:34,567
I could be anyone.
1327
01:19:35,270 --> 01:19:39,338
Sometimes I'd, I'd be this um...
I'd, I'd be this rock star,
1328
01:19:39,374 --> 01:19:41,140
half man, half elf,
1329
01:19:41,176 --> 01:19:45,311
with this great mane of golden hair,
down to my waist,
1330
01:19:45,914 --> 01:19:47,980
and all the girls'd be yelling
1331
01:19:48,016 --> 01:19:51,818
"Oh, Tony, let me touch it,
Tony, please let me touch it!
1332
01:19:51,854 --> 01:19:53,219
"Just let me touch it."
1333
01:19:53,255 --> 01:19:55,488
This, this was your bedroom?
1334
01:19:55,724 --> 01:19:56,723
Eh?
1335
01:19:57,226 --> 01:19:58,525
You had a bed down here?
1336
01:19:58,760 --> 01:20:00,527
Oh, oh, mate...
1337
01:20:01,363 --> 01:20:04,430
Me and this
launderette go way back.
1338
01:20:08,036 --> 01:20:11,070
You see, my mum died
when I was quite young
1339
01:20:11,673 --> 01:20:13,339
and I didn't have
any other family,
1340
01:20:13,375 --> 01:20:15,441
so I was sent to
live here, with my gran.
1341
01:20:16,345 --> 01:20:17,710
At the launderette.
1342
01:20:18,313 --> 01:20:20,947
She took me in, bless her heart,
and looked after me, but...
1343
01:20:21,350 --> 01:20:24,050
After a while, she decided there wasn't
really enough room
1344
01:20:24,086 --> 01:20:25,652
for two people
upstairs in the flat.
1345
01:20:26,221 --> 01:20:28,254
So she made me a room down here.
1346
01:20:28,290 --> 01:20:29,789
Down in the cellar.
1347
01:20:31,860 --> 01:20:34,093
It was... Well...
1348
01:20:34,963 --> 01:20:36,830
It took a bit of
getting used to...
1349
01:20:37,432 --> 01:20:39,866
But she only locked the hatch
very late at night.
1350
01:20:42,037 --> 01:20:46,339
And I was allowed out,
to see the people coming and going.
1351
01:20:47,509 --> 01:20:48,675
To watch them wash.
1352
01:20:51,613 --> 01:20:52,679
You!
1353
01:20:53,682 --> 01:20:56,349
Oh, Tony, you poor thing.
1354
01:20:58,120 --> 01:20:59,152
What do you mean? "Poor thing"?
1355
01:20:59,922 --> 01:21:01,554
You were abandoned, Tone.
1356
01:21:01,924 --> 01:21:06,259
Mate, I had this whole
massive bedroom to myself!
1357
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:08,661
This is a cellar, Tone!
It's a cellar!
1358
01:21:09,031 --> 01:21:10,062
Yeah, but...
1359
01:21:10,098 --> 01:21:11,163
Yeah, but look, it's Dickensian!
1360
01:21:11,199 --> 01:21:13,299
Well, how big was
your fucking bedroom?
1361
01:21:13,335 --> 01:21:14,567
That's not the point.
1362
01:21:14,603 --> 01:21:17,203
Jesus, what kind of woman
keeps a child in a cellar!
1363
01:21:17,773 --> 01:21:22,408
Hey, don't you say
a word about my gran.
1364
01:21:22,444 --> 01:21:24,677
My gran was a very
special person.
1365
01:21:24,713 --> 01:21:25,978
That's the kid talking.
1366
01:21:26,014 --> 01:21:29,982
Look, any mother, even a twisted
hag bitch of a mother
1367
01:21:30,018 --> 01:21:32,385
is better than no mother at all.
Come on, Tone.
1368
01:21:32,421 --> 01:21:35,187
You were dumped!
Alone! In a cellar!
1369
01:21:35,223 --> 01:21:38,624
Yeah, all right, thank you very much,
Sigmund Freud!
1370
01:21:38,660 --> 01:21:41,027
You're the one
tied up in a basement.
1371
01:21:41,063 --> 01:21:43,196
I'm the one feeding the press!
1372
01:21:43,432 --> 01:21:45,097
Baffling the police!
1373
01:21:45,133 --> 01:21:47,900
I'm conducting the whole thing
like an orchestra.
1374
01:21:47,936 --> 01:21:51,270
I'm like the... The Andre Previn
of serial killers!
1375
01:21:51,306 --> 01:21:54,407
Mate, I have studied serial killers,
and you are not it, okay.
1376
01:21:54,443 --> 01:21:56,142
A serial killer is
practically an artist.
1377
01:21:56,178 --> 01:21:59,312
Hey, I'm all about
elegant design.
1378
01:21:59,348 --> 01:22:00,413
Tell 'em, Gran!
1379
01:22:00,449 --> 01:22:02,615
I am an artist, aren't I?
1380
01:22:02,651 --> 01:22:06,052
I'm like a sculptor,
sculpting in crime!
1381
01:22:06,088 --> 01:22:09,522
Don't tell me you've got your bloody
grandmother down here too!
1382
01:22:09,558 --> 01:22:12,758
Well, of course I have!
I'm a serial killer, aren't I?
1383
01:22:12,794 --> 01:22:14,327
It's been done, mate!
1384
01:22:14,363 --> 01:22:16,095
Can't you come up with something
a bit more original!
1385
01:22:16,131 --> 01:22:17,730
I did the Hanoi Handshake.
1386
01:22:17,766 --> 01:22:20,066
The part that sounds like
two Vietnamese gentlemen
1387
01:22:20,102 --> 01:22:21,167
in a public convenience!
1388
01:22:21,203 --> 01:22:22,602
He's right. It does, actually.
1389
01:22:22,638 --> 01:22:24,737
(IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT)
"Oh, Daddy, can I give you a handshake?
1390
01:22:24,773 --> 01:22:26,005
"I give you
handshake long time!"
1391
01:22:26,041 --> 01:22:29,342
Please, have some
bloody respect, will you?
1392
01:22:29,378 --> 01:22:30,410
(WHIRRING)
1393
01:22:36,718 --> 01:22:38,117
That's it.
1394
01:22:39,287 --> 01:22:40,987
- Spin's started.
- (SANGEET SCREAMS)
1395
01:22:42,457 --> 01:22:44,290
No! No! No!
1396
01:22:44,326 --> 01:22:45,758
No! No!
1397
01:22:45,794 --> 01:22:47,193
PERKINS: Shut up!
Shut up! Shut Up!
1398
01:22:47,229 --> 01:22:50,096
Try making fun
of this, dead man.
1399
01:22:51,933 --> 01:22:54,233
Say hello to my bowie knife.
1400
01:22:54,903 --> 01:22:56,635
I call him Dave.
1401
01:22:56,671 --> 01:22:58,004
David the Bowie Knife?
1402
01:22:58,273 --> 01:22:59,939
Sounds like a character from
one of my old stories.
1403
01:23:00,208 --> 01:23:01,841
Dave doesn't like you.
1404
01:23:02,811 --> 01:23:03,810
He's telling me to do it.
1405
01:23:05,647 --> 01:23:07,046
I'm gonna do it.
1406
01:23:08,583 --> 01:23:09,649
Tony!
1407
01:23:10,252 --> 01:23:11,451
(GROANS)
1408
01:23:12,754 --> 01:23:14,587
You can't reason
with a serial killer.
1409
01:23:18,660 --> 01:23:19,659
(PERKINS GROANS)
1410
01:23:20,495 --> 01:23:21,494
Oh, Jack!
1411
01:23:22,664 --> 01:23:24,463
Just go, go, go please go,
go, go, go on. Go get help!
1412
01:23:24,499 --> 01:23:27,600
Hop! Hop! Hop! Hop!
1413
01:23:30,439 --> 01:23:32,238
Hop! Hop! Hop!
1414
01:23:33,975 --> 01:23:35,174
Run!
1415
01:23:46,254 --> 01:23:47,420
(SCREAMS)
1416
01:23:47,456 --> 01:23:50,123
Sorry. I am sorry.
1417
01:23:54,196 --> 01:23:55,795
(SANGEET SCREAMING)
1418
01:24:01,536 --> 01:24:03,369
JACK: No, Tony.
1419
01:24:03,405 --> 01:24:05,204
PERKINS: No, I can't let you go.
1420
01:24:05,774 --> 01:24:09,442
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
This is how it has to end.
1421
01:24:09,478 --> 01:24:11,143
Tony, please leave her alone!
1422
01:24:11,179 --> 01:24:13,412
Sorry, mate,
she saw me with you.
1423
01:24:13,448 --> 01:24:15,214
- No turning back now.
- Jack!
1424
01:24:15,250 --> 01:24:16,715
Jack, do something, please!
1425
01:24:16,751 --> 01:24:18,150
What? What?
1426
01:24:18,186 --> 01:24:21,454
You're a writer, aren't you?
Tell him a fucking story!
1427
01:24:22,190 --> 01:24:23,289
A story?
1428
01:24:23,325 --> 01:24:24,523
Right, this is it.
1429
01:24:24,560 --> 01:24:26,959
(STAMMERING) No, wait, wait.
No, she's right, she's right.
1430
01:24:26,995 --> 01:24:28,227
- Let me tell you a story.
- A story?
1431
01:24:28,263 --> 01:24:30,930
Yes, please, please.
It's uh, it's a dead man's last wish.
1432
01:24:30,966 --> 01:24:33,599
Ah! It's a st...
Story to, to, end the cycle.
1433
01:24:34,336 --> 01:24:35,534
Well, how long
is it going to take?
1434
01:24:35,570 --> 01:24:36,735
Not long, it's very compact.
1435
01:24:36,771 --> 01:24:38,571
- Cause I haven't got long.
- Neither have I.
1436
01:24:39,674 --> 01:24:41,040
(BOTH LAUGH)
1437
01:24:43,011 --> 01:24:46,679
Oh, all right, dead man,
but make it good,
1438
01:24:47,149 --> 01:24:48,747
cause it's the last thing
you're ever going to write.
1439
01:24:48,783 --> 01:24:50,649
- Yeah, yeah.
- No pressure, though!
1440
01:24:50,685 --> 01:24:51,684
(LAUGHS)
1441
01:24:52,354 --> 01:24:55,054
Okay. I have to start
right at the beginning.
1442
01:24:56,424 --> 01:24:57,924
Once upon a time...
1443
01:24:58,860 --> 01:25:01,427
There was a hedgehog,
whose name...
1444
01:25:02,230 --> 01:25:03,463
A hedgehog?
1445
01:25:05,033 --> 01:25:06,532
Yes. Yes.
1446
01:25:07,135 --> 01:25:08,734
You're, you're about
to die, and yet you
1447
01:25:08,770 --> 01:25:10,302
want to tell me
a story about a hedgehog?
1448
01:25:10,338 --> 01:25:12,672
Mate, please just bear with me.
1449
01:25:14,676 --> 01:25:16,075
Okay, you sitting comfortably?
1450
01:25:20,849 --> 01:25:22,348
Once upon a time,
1451
01:25:24,119 --> 01:25:25,651
not so long ago,
1452
01:25:27,289 --> 01:25:29,021
there was a hedgehog
1453
01:25:30,659 --> 01:25:32,191
whose name...
1454
01:25:34,663 --> 01:25:36,262
Was Brian.
1455
01:25:43,972 --> 01:25:47,240
Brian lived in a cave,
deep in the forest.
1456
01:25:47,542 --> 01:25:51,277
A dark and terrible place,
called the Wyrd Wild Wood.
1457
01:25:53,682 --> 01:25:58,484
After dark, the forest would
echo with howls and screams.
1458
01:25:59,354 --> 01:26:01,720
And sometimes it
seemed to Brian as if
1459
01:26:01,756 --> 01:26:04,123
even the moon
conspired against him.
1460
01:26:05,760 --> 01:26:09,328
But the more afraid Brian became,
the angrier he got.
1461
01:26:09,364 --> 01:26:10,729
(GRUNTS)
1462
01:26:10,765 --> 01:26:13,900
Until, one night,
frightened out of his wits,
1463
01:26:15,570 --> 01:26:18,938
he turned himself into
a terrifying monster.
1464
01:26:21,376 --> 01:26:24,143
He put on weight,
painted his face,
1465
01:26:24,179 --> 01:26:28,548
and started insisting on being addressed
as Balthazar the Berserker.
1466
01:26:29,217 --> 01:26:31,184
But then a strange thing happened.
1467
01:26:31,886 --> 01:26:34,587
Brian received
an unexpected visitor.
1468
01:26:35,790 --> 01:26:38,424
"Come any closer,
and I'll scratch your eyes out,"
1469
01:26:38,460 --> 01:26:41,727
he snarled angrily at
the flickering eyes in the trees.
1470
01:26:42,430 --> 01:26:44,797
"Brian?" whispered a voice.
1471
01:26:44,833 --> 01:26:46,332
"Is that really you?"
1472
01:26:46,368 --> 01:26:48,834
"Who the fuck are
you calling Brian?"
1473
01:26:48,870 --> 01:26:51,503
said Brian, as menacingly
as he could manage.
1474
01:26:51,539 --> 01:26:53,872
"Why, Brian, it is you!"
1475
01:26:53,908 --> 01:26:56,141
It was Harold, his brother,
1476
01:26:56,177 --> 01:26:58,978
last seen by the road,
walking with mother...
1477
01:26:59,014 --> 01:27:00,980
A long time ago.
1478
01:27:01,016 --> 01:27:04,750
He said, "I'm so happy I found you,
Brian, old chap.
1479
01:27:04,786 --> 01:27:07,853
"I've been terribly lonely,
and fancied a chat."
1480
01:27:08,456 --> 01:27:11,123
But Brian had crossed that road
and never looked back.
1481
01:27:11,526 --> 01:27:14,927
He'd erased the memory
and his soul was now black.
1482
01:27:14,963 --> 01:27:17,129
"Harold, mate.
I hate to be blunt.
1483
01:27:17,165 --> 01:27:19,465
"But look in the mirror,
you prickly idiot.
1484
01:27:19,768 --> 01:27:21,968
"You're a worthless,
pathetic, snivelling fool.
1485
01:27:22,304 --> 01:27:26,338
"I'd rather spend time
with the worms in my stool."
1486
01:27:26,374 --> 01:27:29,241
And with that he chased him into the trees,
and over the dells,
1487
01:27:29,277 --> 01:27:32,345
screaming, "I'll eat you for supper,
or meet you in hell!"
1488
01:27:47,962 --> 01:27:49,528
(INSECTS SHOUTING IN ALARM)
1489
01:27:57,238 --> 01:28:00,806
But fate intervened
and Brian got lost.
1490
01:28:00,842 --> 01:28:04,310
And to make matters worse,
there was a treacherous fog.
1491
01:28:05,080 --> 01:28:07,980
"Hello?" he cried,
"Is anyone there?"
1492
01:28:08,683 --> 01:28:12,285
But no one replied
and Brian got scared.
1493
01:28:13,121 --> 01:28:16,055
And that's when he saw
he wasn't alone.
1494
01:28:16,091 --> 01:28:20,893
A small crumpled body
was lying in the road.
1495
01:28:24,232 --> 01:28:25,598
(HONKING)
1496
01:28:30,338 --> 01:28:34,973
"Why didn't you leave me?"
said Brian, "and just let me die?"
1497
01:28:35,009 --> 01:28:38,110
"You're my brother," said Harold,
"how on earth could I?"
1498
01:28:38,146 --> 01:28:41,213
And that's when they
heard the pitiful cries
1499
01:28:41,249 --> 01:28:45,418
of a very small hedgehog
whose mother just died.
1500
01:28:45,754 --> 01:28:48,821
And suddenly Brian
just started to blub,
1501
01:28:48,857 --> 01:28:51,757
he picked up the babe
and gave it a hug.
1502
01:28:51,993 --> 01:28:55,194
"This little thing, you know,
reminds me of us,
1503
01:28:55,230 --> 01:28:58,331
"left all alone,
when Mum caught that bus."
1504
01:28:59,067 --> 01:29:03,502
"The spell has been broken," said Harold.
"It's time to break free.
1505
01:29:03,538 --> 01:29:08,007
"You're not really a monster,
you're a hedgehog, like me."
1506
01:29:26,227 --> 01:29:27,393
(PERKINS SNIFFLING)
1507
01:29:34,369 --> 01:29:37,703
I tell you what that...
That is a beautiful story.
1508
01:29:41,142 --> 01:29:42,574
So I... I suppose
they adopt the...
1509
01:29:42,610 --> 01:29:43,976
Adopted the baby hedgehog. Yes.
1510
01:29:44,012 --> 01:29:45,211
Oh, mate.
1511
01:29:46,515 --> 01:29:49,515
It's symbolic, you see,
they discovered their true selves.
1512
01:29:49,551 --> 01:29:51,683
They were able to go back
and start again where they left off,
1513
01:29:51,719 --> 01:29:53,586
before the trauma
of losing their mum.
1514
01:29:55,089 --> 01:29:58,457
I tell you, that was my life,
right there in that cave.
1515
01:30:00,562 --> 01:30:01,660
I'm not a monster, am I?
1516
01:30:01,696 --> 01:30:02,728
SANGEET: No.
1517
01:30:03,665 --> 01:30:05,731
You just need some help.
1518
01:30:07,001 --> 01:30:08,734
I'll let you into a secret.
1519
01:30:09,771 --> 01:30:12,037
I'm not even
a proper serial killer.
1520
01:30:12,574 --> 01:30:15,137
That Vietnamese bloke,
the one in the marshes,
1521
01:30:15,220 --> 01:30:16,242
I didn't kill him.
1522
01:30:17,045 --> 01:30:18,444
What?
1523
01:30:18,480 --> 01:30:19,812
No, he must have
tripped and fell.
1524
01:30:20,448 --> 01:30:21,947
He was dead when I found him.
1525
01:30:22,250 --> 01:30:24,950
Yeah, but the fingers,
the Hanoi Handshake?
1526
01:30:24,986 --> 01:30:26,685
Oh, yeah, yeah. I did do that.
1527
01:30:27,322 --> 01:30:30,122
Well, otherwise, he was
just a bloke in a ditch.
1528
01:30:32,494 --> 01:30:33,793
Oh, her.
1529
01:30:34,262 --> 01:30:35,795
It's just a mannequin.
1530
01:30:36,498 --> 01:30:38,697
I found her in
a bin outside Topshop.
1531
01:30:38,733 --> 01:30:41,000
So you're not a killer, then.
1532
01:30:43,037 --> 01:30:44,136
You're like me.
1533
01:30:46,441 --> 01:30:47,773
We were both abandoned.
1534
01:30:48,977 --> 01:30:50,209
We're the same.
1535
01:30:52,013 --> 01:30:53,145
We're like...
1536
01:30:54,716 --> 01:30:57,316
Yes... Brothers.
1537
01:31:00,288 --> 01:31:02,888
(CELL PHONE PLAYING
JINGLE BELLS )
1538
01:31:04,325 --> 01:31:07,893
Uh, no, it's not mine.
I just, I picked it up.
1539
01:31:07,929 --> 01:31:08,928
( JINGLE BELLS CONTINUES)
1540
01:31:10,798 --> 01:31:11,897
(MUSIC STOPS)
1541
01:31:11,933 --> 01:31:13,165
(DOOR OPENING)
1542
01:31:16,604 --> 01:31:18,904
{\an8}(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
1543
01:31:23,044 --> 01:31:24,176
Brother?
1544
01:31:25,713 --> 01:31:26,712
ALL: Help!
1545
01:31:43,364 --> 01:31:45,797
And so Harold and his
long-lost brother Brian
1546
01:31:45,833 --> 01:31:47,132
lived happily for
some time afterwards
1547
01:31:48,102 --> 01:31:50,970
in the old hedgerow,
beside the churchyard.
1548
01:31:53,775 --> 01:31:55,941
And remember, no matter how dark
1549
01:31:55,977 --> 01:31:58,043
and scary those woods may seem,
1550
01:31:58,479 --> 01:31:59,711
there's always
a way across the road
1551
01:31:59,747 --> 01:32:01,847
for a hedgehog
who's brave enough to cross it.
1552
01:32:02,617 --> 01:32:03,616
- Thank you.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1553
01:32:14,062 --> 01:32:16,028
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
1554
01:32:16,898 --> 01:32:18,030
You look fantastic.
1555
01:32:18,066 --> 01:32:19,131
Thank you.
1556
01:32:19,400 --> 01:32:21,800
That was a wonderful story.
1557
01:32:21,836 --> 01:32:23,502
DR. FRIEDKIN:
Congratulations, Jack.
1558
01:32:24,105 --> 01:32:26,238
A perfect synthesis of
Jungian and Freudian thought.
1559
01:32:26,808 --> 01:32:28,574
Harold's lost self is recovered,
1560
01:32:28,610 --> 01:32:31,276
whilst acknowledging the important role
that the false self,
1561
01:32:31,312 --> 01:32:33,111
the defense mechanism,
played in surviving
1562
01:32:33,147 --> 01:32:34,846
the terror of abandonment.
1563
01:32:34,882 --> 01:32:37,216
Well, it's all credit to you,
Professor Friedkin.
1564
01:32:37,619 --> 01:32:42,387
Next book, Harold must address
his destructive oedipal complex
1565
01:32:42,423 --> 01:32:44,423
and help Brian with his tendency
1566
01:32:44,459 --> 01:32:46,392
towards malignant anal hoarding.
1567
01:32:48,796 --> 01:32:53,732
Darling, I've brought someone I think
you should finally meet.
1568
01:32:57,071 --> 01:32:59,138
Harvey Humphries.
1569
01:33:01,109 --> 01:33:02,107
You.
1570
01:33:03,211 --> 01:33:05,945
You never came to
see me, did you?
1571
01:33:06,280 --> 01:33:11,650
Oh, you are a very,
very, naughty boy.
1572
01:33:12,420 --> 01:33:15,754
Harvey's still very interested
in Decades of Death, Jack.
1573
01:33:16,658 --> 01:33:20,225
Maybe you two can get together
and uh, discuss it later?
1574
01:33:24,365 --> 01:33:27,499
THE VOICE: Can you see...
The spider?
1575
01:33:30,405 --> 01:33:33,272
And the farmer in his field?
1576
01:33:34,609 --> 01:33:37,876
Can you see the lovely ladybird?
1577
01:33:38,880 --> 01:33:42,280
And what about the little
frightened hedgehog?
1578
01:33:42,316 --> 01:33:45,918
SANGEET: Jack? Jack?
1579
01:33:47,055 --> 01:33:48,253
Are you all right?
1580
01:33:48,690 --> 01:33:50,022
Uh, yes, sorry.
1581
01:33:50,792 --> 01:33:53,025
Hey, what about that dinner
you promised me?
1582
01:33:56,497 --> 01:33:57,863
(WHISPERING)
1583
01:33:59,333 --> 01:34:03,435
Um, I'll get back to you,
okay, on the whole thing.
1584
01:34:03,471 --> 01:34:04,936
I'll think about it. I will.
1585
01:34:04,972 --> 01:34:06,872
- Call me.
- Absolutely.
1586
01:34:06,908 --> 01:34:09,308
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1587
01:34:17,852 --> 01:34:22,021
THE VOICE: Once upon a time,
there was a hedgehog called Harold,
1588
01:34:22,423 --> 01:34:25,257
who one day set
out on a journey.
1589
01:34:26,794 --> 01:34:29,327
When he reached
the far side of the wood,
1590
01:34:29,363 --> 01:34:31,863
he came to
a large flowing river,
1591
01:34:31,899 --> 01:34:34,233
dancing with speckled light.
1592
01:34:34,702 --> 01:34:39,038
Without a moment's hesitation,
Harold threw himself into the water.
1593
01:34:40,408 --> 01:34:42,841
The current
carried him far away...
1594
01:34:43,778 --> 01:34:47,579
And he was never seen again.
1595
01:34:58,993 --> 01:35:00,425
Morning. Morning, you two.
1596
01:35:00,461 --> 01:35:01,794
Morning, madam.
1597
01:35:04,766 --> 01:35:06,065
Right then.
1598
01:35:32,593 --> 01:35:33,792
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1599
01:35:33,828 --> 01:35:35,194
What a fucking...
1600
01:35:36,764 --> 01:35:38,764
Twat! Cock!
1601
01:35:38,800 --> 01:35:40,866
Fucking dickhead! Wanker!
1602
01:35:40,902 --> 01:35:41,934
- (BRAKES SCREECHING)
- Ooh!
1603
01:37:05,086 --> 01:37:07,419
(SYMPHONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
1604
01:37:13,194 --> 01:37:14,759
JACK:
♪ I drop a old school beat ♪
1605
01:37:14,795 --> 01:37:16,762
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
1606
01:37:18,799 --> 01:37:20,332
PERKINS: Churning nicely.
1607
01:37:25,473 --> 01:37:28,039
JACK: Get ready,
I'm opening my flap.
1608
01:37:28,075 --> 01:37:29,708
PERKINS: Front loading.
1609
01:37:34,749 --> 01:37:40,819
DR. FRIEDKIN: No, you lived
to experience your own death.
1610
01:37:43,624 --> 01:37:47,159
CLAIR: Never underestimate a hunchback.
That's what I say.
1611
01:37:48,362 --> 01:37:49,795
JACK: There is a pair
in there as well.
1612
01:37:50,464 --> 01:37:51,663
GRANDE DAME: A pair?
1613
01:37:57,872 --> 01:38:01,807
JACK: A bloody jungle
of organized crime.
1614
01:38:07,315 --> 01:38:09,248
Push your slot in.
1615
01:38:09,550 --> 01:38:11,350
Push your slot in.
1616
01:38:12,353 --> 01:38:14,786
Push, push, push, push.
1617
01:38:14,822 --> 01:38:16,188
Push your slot in.
1618
01:38:17,158 --> 01:38:18,824
Push your slot in.
1619
01:38:23,631 --> 01:38:24,930
SANGEET: Are these yours?
1620
01:38:24,966 --> 01:38:26,731
SERGEANT:
Standby, we've got a nutter.
1621
01:38:26,767 --> 01:38:29,134
WPC: We want
the knife, bitch! Bitch!
1622
01:38:29,737 --> 01:38:31,503
AFRICAN LADY:
He wants locking up, that boy.
1623
01:38:31,839 --> 01:38:34,072
Lock him up and
throw away the key.
1624
01:38:35,176 --> 01:38:37,275
JACK: This is a cellar, Tone.
It's a cellar.
1625
01:38:37,311 --> 01:38:38,443
PERKINS: Yeah, but...
1626
01:38:38,479 --> 01:38:39,511
JACK: Yeah, but, look,
it's Dickensian.
1627
01:38:43,617 --> 01:38:47,586
PERKINS: Hey, don't you say
a word about my gran.