1
00:03:54,385 --> 00:03:58,344
"Doctor Grayson was never in London
at the time of the murder.
2
00:03:58,463 --> 00:04:01,784
"In fact, the good doctor stayed
at a small hotel in Melksham
3
00:04:01,904 --> 00:04:03,342
"on the night in question
4
00:04:03,462 --> 00:04:06,743
"and then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train,
5
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:10,143
"disguised as
Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,
6
00:04:10,263 --> 00:04:14,542
"making sure his arrival
was noted by the ticket inspector.
7
00:04:14,662 --> 00:04:17,623
"From then on,
his plan was simplicity itself.
8
00:04:18,584 --> 00:04:20,544
"Knowing it was Burton's day off,
9
00:04:20,664 --> 00:04:23,544
"he had no difficulty
in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved
10
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,985
"and murdering Sir Mortimer
with the arrow from the astrolabe,
11
00:04:27,104 --> 00:04:29,664
"which he had previously sharpened
on the stone-knife grinder
12
00:04:29,785 --> 00:04:30,985
"by the scullery window.
13
00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:35,984
"Remember my query
about brass knives, at the time?
14
00:04:37,024 --> 00:04:40,624
"I was worried
about those metal shavings. "
15
00:04:41,384 --> 00:04:46,144
"By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.
You don't miss a trick,
16
00:04:46,264 --> 00:04:52,184
"but since you appear to know so much,
sir," continued the Inspector, humbly,
17
00:04:52,303 --> 00:04:55,743
"I wonder if you could explain just
how the murderer managed
18
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,545
"to leave the body of his victim
in the middle of the tennis court
19
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:02,945
"and effect his escape without leaving
any tracks behind him in the red dust.
20
00:05:03,064 --> 00:05:07,784
"Frankly, sir, we in the police force
are just plain baffled. "
21
00:05:14,984 --> 00:05:20,185
St John Lord Merridew,
the great detective, rose majestically,
22
00:05:20,305 --> 00:05:25,025
his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
23
00:05:25,145 --> 00:05:28,666
Slowly he brushed the crumbs
of seedy cake
24
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:31,306
from the folds
of his pendulous waistcoat.
25
00:05:31,426 --> 00:05:34,626
"The police may be baffled, Inspector,"
he boomed,
26
00:05:34,746 --> 00:05:36,987
"but Merridew is not. "
27
00:05:37,107 --> 00:05:40,866
"Thirty years ago, the murderer,
Doctor Grayson,
28
00:05:40,986 --> 00:05:43,707
"was a prominent member
of the Ballet Russe,
29
00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:46,545
"dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
30
00:05:47,546 --> 00:05:50,105
"Though the years had altered
his appearance somewhat,
31
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,585
"yet his old skill had not deserted him.
32
00:05:52,705 --> 00:05:54,826
"He carried the body
to the centre of the court,
33
00:05:54,946 --> 00:05:57,146
"walking on his points
34
00:05:57,266 --> 00:06:00,505
"along the white tape
which separated the service boxes
35
00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:04,465
"and from there
he threw it seven feet into the court,
36
00:06:04,585 --> 00:06:06,706
"close to the base line,
where it was found,
37
00:06:06,826 --> 00:06:10,346
"and then,
with a neatly executed fouetté,
38
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:14,226
"he faced about
and went back the way he had come,
39
00:06:14,386 --> 00:06:16,826
"thus leaving no traces.
40
00:06:17,707 --> 00:06:21,585
"And that, Inspector,
is Merridew's solution. "
41
00:06:21,706 --> 00:06:22,906
Hello?
42
00:06:23,506 --> 00:06:24,946
Are you there?
43
00:06:25,466 --> 00:06:26,827
Mr Wyke?
44
00:06:27,907 --> 00:06:29,228
Mr Wyke?
45
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:31,267
- Who's there?
- It's me, Milo Tindle.
46
00:06:31,387 --> 00:06:32,427
I think you're expecting me.
47
00:06:32,587 --> 00:06:35,268
Yes indeed, so good of you to come.
Won't you join me?
48
00:06:35,388 --> 00:06:39,148
Well, I have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
49
00:06:42,188 --> 00:06:43,629
Here we are.
50
00:06:48,949 --> 00:06:52,189
Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
I designed it myself.
51
00:06:52,309 --> 00:06:55,508
Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
52
00:06:55,628 --> 00:06:57,908
I must say
you're not an easy man to drop in on.
53
00:06:58,028 --> 00:07:01,468
Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
I'm Andrew Wyke.
54
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,148
- Welcome to Cloak Manor.
- Thank you.
55
00:07:04,268 --> 00:07:06,429
I found your note when I came down
from London this afternoon.
56
00:07:06,549 --> 00:07:08,908
Oh, good, yes.
I hoped you'd be here this weekend,
57
00:07:09,028 --> 00:07:12,229
so I pushed it through your letter box
a little earlier today.
58
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,589
Well, now, what will you have to drink?
59
00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:17,068
- Vodka and tonic, please.
- Of course.
60
00:07:17,188 --> 00:07:20,388
How are you settling in here
at Laundry Cottage?
61
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:21,469
Very well, thank you.
62
00:07:21,629 --> 00:07:23,710
Using it for weekends
and that sort of thing?
63
00:07:23,830 --> 00:07:25,749
Yes, that sort of thing.
64
00:07:26,589 --> 00:07:30,028
Vodka,
I don't seem to have any out here. Is...
65
00:07:30,148 --> 00:07:32,188
- Gin will do.
- Good.
66
00:07:32,348 --> 00:07:34,468
Yes, a charming little place,
Laundry Cottage.
67
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,788
IdeaI for relaxations of all kinds.
68
00:07:36,908 --> 00:07:39,627
Unfortunately,
I don't have time for them myself.
69
00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:40,948
As a matter of fact,
70
00:07:41,109 --> 00:07:44,109
I've just dictated the dénouement
of my new book,
71
00:07:44,229 --> 00:07:45,871
Death by Double-Fault.
72
00:07:45,990 --> 00:07:48,590
I must say it's gone extremely well.
73
00:07:48,710 --> 00:07:50,830
Now then, soda, soda, soda...
74
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,391
Dear.
75
00:07:53,551 --> 00:07:56,351
I don't seem to have
any tonic here either, it's awfuI.
76
00:07:56,471 --> 00:07:58,351
- Here, shall we go indoors?
- Whatever you like.
77
00:07:58,470 --> 00:07:59,631
Good.
78
00:08:00,151 --> 00:08:03,430
Tell me,
do you agree that the detective story
79
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:06,590
is the normaI recreation
of noble minds?
80
00:08:06,709 --> 00:08:09,470
I'm afraid I don't know
very much about noble minds.
81
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:10,629
Is it supposed to be?
82
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:14,630
I'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
a biographer of the '30s.
83
00:08:14,749 --> 00:08:17,310
The golden age
when every cabinet minister
84
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:21,310
had a thriller by his bedside
and all detectives were titled.
85
00:08:21,430 --> 00:08:24,230
- Before your time, I expect.
- Somewhat. Let me carry that.
86
00:08:24,751 --> 00:08:26,911
Thank you so much. Very good of you.
87
00:08:27,030 --> 00:08:31,510
Yet, you know, even today,
I still set my works among the gentry
88
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:34,311
and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them
89
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,311
in spite of our classless society.
90
00:08:36,431 --> 00:08:38,629
I imagine they do a great deaI
of your stuff on television.
91
00:08:39,390 --> 00:08:44,709
God forbid, I'd never permit it.
And, incidentally, it's not "stuff".
92
00:08:44,829 --> 00:08:48,150
No,
television is not my line of country at all.
93
00:08:48,269 --> 00:08:51,710
That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
94
00:08:51,829 --> 00:08:55,071
And therefore,
no recreation for noble minds?
95
00:08:55,192 --> 00:08:58,352
You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if I may so address you.
96
00:08:58,711 --> 00:09:01,992
You might as well, we're all on
first name terms these days, Andrew.
97
00:09:02,112 --> 00:09:06,153
Of course we are, and you and I
do need to be friendly, do we not?
98
00:09:26,911 --> 00:09:29,593
How would you like your drink?
With ice?
99
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,872
With ice?
100
00:09:33,872 --> 00:09:35,312
Yes, please.
101
00:09:50,872 --> 00:09:52,432
What does he do?
102
00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:59,472
That's Jolly Jack Tar, the JoviaI Sailor.
103
00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:02,151
He and I
have a really splendid relationship.
104
00:10:02,272 --> 00:10:04,912
I make the jokes and he laughs at them.
105
00:10:05,032 --> 00:10:08,752
Here, mein freund,
put that behind your necktie.
106
00:10:09,593 --> 00:10:11,393
- He didn't laugh.
- No, he wasn't meant to.
107
00:10:11,553 --> 00:10:14,193
- I thought you were trying to be funny.
- No, you'll know it when I am.
108
00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:15,434
I see.
109
00:10:15,593 --> 00:10:17,034
- Cheers.
- Prost.
110
00:10:21,953 --> 00:10:24,473
- What's this?
- That is an intensely complicated
111
00:10:24,593 --> 00:10:27,193
4th Dynasty blocking game,
called Simera.
112
00:10:27,313 --> 00:10:29,993
I've been studying the thing for months,
but I'm still only a beginner.
113
00:10:30,114 --> 00:10:31,833
I wonder if you'd mind putting that back.
114
00:10:31,953 --> 00:10:33,554
It's taken me rather a long time
to get it there.
115
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:37,314
That's the centre column,
fourth from your right.
116
00:10:37,434 --> 00:10:41,074
Well, now,
I understand you want to marry my wife.
117
00:10:44,914 --> 00:10:46,353
Forgive me raising the matter,
118
00:10:46,473 --> 00:10:49,554
but as Marguerite is away for a few days
in the North, visiting relatives,
119
00:10:49,674 --> 00:10:51,754
I thought this might be
an appropriate moment for you and me
120
00:10:51,874 --> 00:10:53,834
to have a little chat.
121
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,153
I see.
122
00:10:55,593 --> 00:10:57,873
Well, is it true?
123
00:10:59,633 --> 00:11:03,153
- Yes, with your permission, of course.
- Why not?
124
00:11:03,273 --> 00:11:06,433
You seem to be a personable enough
young man, nicely spoken,
125
00:11:06,553 --> 00:11:09,673
neatly dressed in brand new
country gentlemen's clothing.
126
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:12,235
I'm sure you won't mind me
asking you a few questions
127
00:11:12,394 --> 00:11:15,394
about your background, parents,
and so forth.
128
00:11:16,395 --> 00:11:20,275
My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
129
00:11:20,395 --> 00:11:24,634
and my father is an Italian, who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
130
00:11:24,754 --> 00:11:28,674
- In the '30s? Is he Jewish?
- No, Catholic, very devout.
131
00:11:28,794 --> 00:11:30,234
Of course,
I'm not religious at all myself.
132
00:11:30,354 --> 00:11:33,155
My dear boy,
you don't have to excuse yourself to me.
133
00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:37,035
We're all liberals here.
I have no prejudice against Catholics.
134
00:11:37,195 --> 00:11:38,995
Not even the lapsed Catholics.
135
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:43,556
In fact some of my best friends
are lapsed Catholic.
136
00:11:43,676 --> 00:11:46,197
Tell me about your father,
was his name Tindle, too?
137
00:11:46,316 --> 00:11:48,756
No, his name was Tindolini,
138
00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:51,076
but if you had a name like that
in those days
139
00:11:51,195 --> 00:11:53,637
you had to "make-a the ice-a cream-a".
140
00:11:54,437 --> 00:11:57,157
He was a watchmaker
and he wanted us to become English,
141
00:11:57,277 --> 00:12:00,156
- so he changed it.
- Become English?
142
00:12:01,997 --> 00:12:05,836
- Was he a successfuI man?
- No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't.
143
00:12:07,196 --> 00:12:11,476
You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
144
00:12:11,596 --> 00:12:14,836
He went broke in the end.
I always told him he would.
145
00:12:14,956 --> 00:12:18,276
That must make him
something of a burden to you.
146
00:12:18,436 --> 00:12:20,437
Yeah, it does a bit.
147
00:12:21,438 --> 00:12:23,597
He never went back, you see.
148
00:12:23,717 --> 00:12:26,277
He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
149
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:28,677
And you, what do you do?
150
00:12:30,037 --> 00:12:31,518
Don't you know?
151
00:12:33,677 --> 00:12:36,638
I have a hair dressing salon
in South Kensington.
152
00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:37,797
Casa Tindolini.
153
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:39,677
You can use that word these days,
can you?
154
00:12:39,797 --> 00:12:41,797
People don't take it
for an ice cream salon?
155
00:12:41,917 --> 00:12:45,597
No, the birds... The ladies seem to like
the continentaI touch.
156
00:12:45,717 --> 00:12:51,358
- English too wholesome for them, eh?
- Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see?
157
00:12:51,478 --> 00:12:55,239
We found that it pays
to provide the Latin lover atmosphere.
158
00:12:55,398 --> 00:12:57,158
Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker
in the Brighton shop,
159
00:12:57,278 --> 00:12:59,958
they're less sophisticated down there.
160
00:13:00,077 --> 00:13:02,718
I mean to say, in London,
half of them have actually got...
161
00:13:02,838 --> 00:13:04,238
Latin lovers?
162
00:13:06,678 --> 00:13:10,959
And where do you live?
Above, behind or below your shop?
163
00:13:11,078 --> 00:13:14,678
I lease a mews house nearby.
It's convenient and attractive.
164
00:13:14,838 --> 00:13:16,517
It's Georgian, actually.
165
00:13:16,638 --> 00:13:19,197
From Genoa to Georgian
in a single generation, eh?
166
00:13:19,317 --> 00:13:20,438
Not bad.
167
00:13:20,598 --> 00:13:24,638
But I doubt whether an 18th century
architecturaI gem in South Kensington
168
00:13:24,757 --> 00:13:27,637
whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
169
00:13:27,757 --> 00:13:30,638
She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
170
00:13:30,759 --> 00:13:34,279
I understood she was already living in it,
once or twice a week at least.
171
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:36,279
I'm not mistaken, am I?
172
00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:40,719
And that your motive
in renting the cottage down here
173
00:13:40,839 --> 00:13:43,679
was to increase the incidence
of this bi-weekly coupling.
174
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,118
Is that what you've asked me over here
to chat about?
175
00:13:46,238 --> 00:13:48,599
Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
176
00:13:49,758 --> 00:13:53,238
If I choose to say
that my wife converses like a child of six
177
00:13:53,358 --> 00:13:56,239
and makes love like an extinct shellfish,
I shall.
178
00:13:56,359 --> 00:13:59,399
And I don't need to ask
her lover's permission to do so either!
179
00:13:59,519 --> 00:14:01,359
- Thank you for the drink.
- Oh, now, now.
180
00:14:01,479 --> 00:14:02,959
I thought you were
brought up in England.
181
00:14:03,079 --> 00:14:05,320
Surely you know
it's not done to be rude.
182
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,680
You were being rude
about a woman I'm in love with.
183
00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:10,320
On the contrary,
I was reminiscing about my wife.
184
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,000
- It comes to the same thing.
- Things mostly do, you know.
185
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:17,160
I'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you
who'll be being rude about Marguerite
186
00:14:17,279 --> 00:14:18,680
and I will be being rhapsodic,
187
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,239
and have quite forgotten
how intolerably tiresome,
188
00:14:21,359 --> 00:14:26,280
vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent
and generally bloody crafty she really is!
189
00:14:28,479 --> 00:14:32,039
Can you afford
to take her off my hands?
190
00:14:38,161 --> 00:14:40,600
- Afford to?
- Support her in the style
191
00:14:40,721 --> 00:14:44,761
to which she was not accustomed
before she met me, but now is?
192
00:14:44,881 --> 00:14:48,321
Well, I'm not a millionaire,
but I'm not starving either.
193
00:14:48,441 --> 00:14:50,480
The shop in London's doing all right,
194
00:14:50,601 --> 00:14:52,721
the one in Brighton's
almost breaking even.
195
00:14:52,841 --> 00:14:54,960
- By this time next year...
- This year, next year, sometime, never.
196
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,480
What you're really saying is
that, at present, you're skint.
197
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,401
- We'll survive.
- SurvivaI is scarcely the point.
198
00:15:01,521 --> 00:15:03,200
Presumably,
when you're married to Marguerite,
199
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,239
you'll want a place on the Riviera,
a fast car, couple of mistresses.
200
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,401
Presumably?
Just because you need those things?
201
00:15:08,521 --> 00:15:12,040
Oh, no, just this fading mansion,
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
202
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,080
and only one mistress, I'm afraid.
203
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,841
Tea, the Finnish bird,
who runs the sauna in Salisbury.
204
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,841
You know about Tea, do you?
205
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:20,961
Marguerite and I have no secrets
from each other.
206
00:15:21,081 --> 00:15:23,082
Not even mine, it seems.
207
00:15:23,682 --> 00:15:25,802
Tea is a Grelian goddess.
208
00:15:26,161 --> 00:15:27,682
Her golden hair smells of pine
209
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:32,320
and her cobalt eyes are
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
210
00:15:33,041 --> 00:15:34,762
I hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde
211
00:15:34,881 --> 00:15:37,161
with all the sex appeaI
of a second-hand jeep.
212
00:15:37,321 --> 00:15:39,201
Not so, dear boy,
you can take it from me.
213
00:15:39,321 --> 00:15:41,762
Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
214
00:15:41,882 --> 00:15:44,161
Mind you,
she takes a bit of keeping up with.
215
00:15:44,281 --> 00:15:48,322
It's a good thing I am pretty much
of an Olympic sexuaI athlete.
216
00:15:48,442 --> 00:15:52,642
Yes, I suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints
217
00:15:52,762 --> 00:15:54,563
than on the long distance stuff.
218
00:15:54,682 --> 00:15:57,723
Not so, dear boy,
I'm in the pink of condition.
219
00:15:57,842 --> 00:16:00,842
I could copulate for England
at any distance.
220
00:16:01,643 --> 00:16:02,922
Red.
221
00:16:04,001 --> 00:16:06,002
Well, as they say in the Olympics,
222
00:16:06,122 --> 00:16:09,802
"It's not the winning,
it's the taking-part that counts. "
223
00:16:10,122 --> 00:16:11,161
Are you going to marry her?
224
00:16:11,322 --> 00:16:14,002
Oh, no, no, no.
I just want to live with her.
225
00:16:14,122 --> 00:16:15,322
So, what's stopping you?
226
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:18,482
Basically,
the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd,
227
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:20,882
whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
228
00:16:21,002 --> 00:16:22,802
Now, now, don't be so innocent.
229
00:16:22,921 --> 00:16:24,881
Those nicotine stained
private detectives
230
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:28,202
have been camping outside Tea's flat
for the last week.
231
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,841
It was an insurance policy
232
00:16:29,961 --> 00:16:32,763
to keep you from changing your mind
about the divorce.
233
00:16:32,883 --> 00:16:34,882
How did you know
I wasn't having you watched?
234
00:16:35,002 --> 00:16:37,763
Why not?
Afraid of what you might find out?
235
00:16:37,883 --> 00:16:41,481
- Or didn't you think that was possible?
- Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
236
00:16:41,642 --> 00:16:43,283
Of course I knew
that they'd find you and Marguerite
237
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,162
rutting away like crazed weasels,
238
00:16:45,282 --> 00:16:47,882
but why should I pay good money
to have something confirmed
239
00:16:48,004 --> 00:16:50,043
which I'd known for months?
240
00:16:50,361 --> 00:16:51,564
Black.
241
00:16:51,683 --> 00:16:54,363
And, if you knew,
why didn't you do something about it?
242
00:16:54,483 --> 00:16:55,685
Of course, I had to assure myself
243
00:16:55,805 --> 00:16:58,244
that you and Marguerite
were going to be a fixture.
244
00:16:58,404 --> 00:17:01,205
You see,
I want to lose the dear girI for life.
245
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:06,845
Not just a two week Tindolini perm,
set and touch-up.
246
00:17:10,165 --> 00:17:12,524
- Good shot.
- Yes, it was. Yellow.
247
00:17:12,685 --> 00:17:14,084
You see,
you don't know her as well as I do.
248
00:17:14,205 --> 00:17:15,764
You think you do, but you don't.
249
00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:19,244
If you faiI her, by which I mean
cancelling the account at Harrods,
250
00:17:19,364 --> 00:17:21,644
or short-changing her on winter
in Jamaica,
251
00:17:21,805 --> 00:17:24,965
she'll be back to me in a jiffy,
mewing for support.
252
00:17:25,084 --> 00:17:28,925
And guilty wife or no,
she may be entitled to get it.
253
00:17:29,805 --> 00:17:32,045
- Green.
- Money isn't everything.
254
00:17:32,165 --> 00:17:35,165
And what if she is used to luxury?
Whose fault is that?
255
00:17:35,285 --> 00:17:39,485
It's not a fault, if you can afford it,
but can you?
256
00:17:41,606 --> 00:17:43,885
Knowing you to be hard up. Brown.
257
00:17:44,045 --> 00:17:46,724
Has she shown any signs
of mending her ways
258
00:17:46,844 --> 00:17:49,564
in these last idyllic three months?
259
00:17:50,084 --> 00:17:51,085
Blue.
260
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,245
When, for instance,
did she last turn down
261
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:57,006
a Dom Perignon in favour of,
no offence, mind you,
262
00:17:57,125 --> 00:18:00,086
the persuasive charms of Dago Red?
263
00:18:00,206 --> 00:18:01,405
Black.
264
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,566
No, I'm not joking.
265
00:18:05,686 --> 00:18:08,807
How much has this brief liaison
cost you, so far?
266
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:15,407
And that old dad of yours in Soho,
when did you last send him any money?
267
00:18:16,048 --> 00:18:20,606
We have talked about money.
Often, I've told her we spend too much.
268
00:18:20,727 --> 00:18:22,446
She takes no notice?
269
00:18:22,806 --> 00:18:23,966
None.
270
00:18:24,566 --> 00:18:28,126
A silvery laugh,
a coquettish turn of the head.
271
00:18:28,246 --> 00:18:30,047
Something like that.
272
00:18:30,607 --> 00:18:33,686
Well, it's to solve this little problem
that I've invited you around here tonight
273
00:18:33,806 --> 00:18:38,166
and this, as they say,
is where the plot thickens.
274
00:18:38,807 --> 00:18:40,086
What plot?
275
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:49,847
Whatever are you doing
with that cue in your hands?
276
00:18:49,967 --> 00:18:53,727
- I was waiting for you to miss.
- Foolish boy.
277
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,846
Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
278
00:18:57,966 --> 00:19:01,925
there was an Englishman
called Andrew Wyke,
279
00:19:02,045 --> 00:19:03,807
who, in common
with most of his countrymen,
280
00:19:03,926 --> 00:19:08,646
was virtually castrated by taxation.
To avoid totaI emasculation
281
00:19:08,766 --> 00:19:11,807
his accountants advised him
to put a considerable part of his money,
282
00:19:11,927 --> 00:19:16,848
some �250,000, into jewellery.
283
00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:19,208
His wife, of course, was delighted.
284
00:19:19,328 --> 00:19:21,769
Marguerite never told me
that you had given her any jewellery.
285
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:25,209
Nor did I, of course, it's still mine,
as well she knows.
286
00:19:25,329 --> 00:19:27,729
We just thought it would be
more amusing for her to wear it
287
00:19:27,849 --> 00:19:31,247
than for me to bank it.
After all, it's fully insured.
288
00:19:32,128 --> 00:19:34,888
I see what you mean
by the plot thickening.
289
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,207
I'm glad you follow me so readily.
290
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:39,248
You see,
I want you to steaI that jewellery.
291
00:19:46,729 --> 00:19:50,328
Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away,
it's an admirable opportunity.
292
00:19:50,449 --> 00:19:51,488
What about the servants?
293
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:55,768
I've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away
to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle.
294
00:19:55,888 --> 00:20:00,128
They won't be back till Sunday night,
so, you see, the house is empty.
295
00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:06,528
Cheers.
296
00:20:08,327 --> 00:20:10,168
Well, what do you say?
297
00:20:10,288 --> 00:20:13,328
- It sounds distinctly criminaI.
- Well, of course it's criminaI.
298
00:20:13,448 --> 00:20:16,528
All good moneymaking schemes
in England have to be these days.
299
00:20:16,648 --> 00:20:18,928
Now, the jewellery,
when it's not in the bank,
300
00:20:19,048 --> 00:20:23,529
lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
301
00:20:23,649 --> 00:20:26,450
Where, for instance,
would you look for it?
302
00:20:46,449 --> 00:20:52,769
A good likeness, would you say?
Of course, it's 17... No, 18 years ago.
303
00:20:53,610 --> 00:20:55,690
I don't think
you'd hide your safe behind it.
304
00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:57,770
I've seen that in too many movies.
305
00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:02,410
Good thinking! All right, then where?
Are you up to finding it?
306
00:22:01,491 --> 00:22:05,611
There are certain skills
best acquired in public bars, I suppose.
307
00:22:05,731 --> 00:22:09,851
- But whatever made you think?
- You and your games.
308
00:22:09,971 --> 00:22:12,532
That is the only game in this room.
309
00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:17,012
Very clever.
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
310
00:22:17,131 --> 00:22:19,053
All you have to do is steaI them,
sell them abroad,
311
00:22:19,173 --> 00:22:21,253
and live happily ever after
with Marguerite.
312
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:24,892
AII I have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
313
00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:27,412
Is that what you asked me over to hear?
314
00:22:27,532 --> 00:22:31,533
A grotty little plot
to defraud the insurance company?
315
00:22:31,651 --> 00:22:33,492
I'm sorry you found the plot grotty.
316
00:22:33,612 --> 00:22:36,252
Personally, I thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
317
00:22:36,372 --> 00:22:39,013
Look,
supposing I do as you say and nick...
318
00:22:39,133 --> 00:22:41,894
SteaI the jewels.
If I sell them under my own name,
319
00:22:42,014 --> 00:22:44,813
I'll get picked up
the moment you report the loss.
320
00:22:44,933 --> 00:22:47,973
If I sell them to a fence,
always presuming I could find one,
321
00:22:48,093 --> 00:22:50,773
he'd carve me up,
I'd get a fraction of their value.
322
00:22:50,893 --> 00:22:53,614
- Not with the fences I know.
- What fences would you know?
323
00:22:53,734 --> 00:22:56,573
The finest in Europe.
Prudent, yet prodigaI.
324
00:22:56,693 --> 00:22:58,573
I first met them when I was researching
325
00:22:58,693 --> 00:23:01,054
for The Deadly Affair
of the Druce Diamond.
326
00:23:01,174 --> 00:23:03,094
Surely you've read it.
327
00:23:03,654 --> 00:23:05,694
Pity. It was an absolute corker.
328
00:23:05,814 --> 00:23:08,814
In any case, on your behalf,
329
00:23:08,934 --> 00:23:12,094
I have already contacted
a certain gentleman in Amsterdam.
330
00:23:12,215 --> 00:23:13,255
He'll treat you very well.
331
00:23:13,375 --> 00:23:15,574
You won't get the full amount
for the jewels, of course,
332
00:23:15,694 --> 00:23:22,294
but you'll get about two-thirds,
say, �170,000.
333
00:23:22,414 --> 00:23:24,335
You'll get it in cash.
334
00:23:24,935 --> 00:23:27,855
- A hundred and seventy thousand quid?
- Cash.
335
00:23:29,854 --> 00:23:31,614
Why should this fellow pay so much?
336
00:23:31,734 --> 00:23:34,374
Because he will get
what no fence ever gets,
337
00:23:34,494 --> 00:23:36,335
title to the jewels.
338
00:23:36,453 --> 00:23:39,054
You see,
in addition to stealing the jewels,
339
00:23:39,174 --> 00:23:43,735
you have also to take the receipts
I got for them.
340
00:23:44,613 --> 00:23:47,374
Now, what does
my insurance company discover
341
00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:52,255
as it swings ponderously into action,
antennae pulsing with suspicion?
342
00:23:52,375 --> 00:23:55,495
It discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke
343
00:23:55,615 --> 00:24:02,536
sold the jewels for �170,000 cash,
but they still have to pay me.
344
00:24:03,335 --> 00:24:04,976
Hard cheese!
345
00:24:05,815 --> 00:24:08,015
Think it over. Take your time.
346
00:24:21,536 --> 00:24:26,855
Look, I know this sounds stupid,
but have you had any experience?
347
00:24:26,976 --> 00:24:31,296
I mean, have you ever
actually committed a crime before?
348
00:24:32,177 --> 00:24:34,776
St John Lord Merridew
would have a pretty lean time of it
349
00:24:34,896 --> 00:24:37,097
if I didn't think up any crimes
for him to solve.
350
00:24:37,217 --> 00:24:38,776
St John Lord who?
351
00:24:41,375 --> 00:24:43,656
- You're joking.
- What about?
352
00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:47,015
Who is St John Lord Merridew?
353
00:24:47,136 --> 00:24:48,935
Why, even Marguerite,
when I first met her,
354
00:24:49,056 --> 00:24:50,656
knew and adored him.
355
00:24:50,776 --> 00:24:54,656
He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilised world.
356
00:24:54,776 --> 00:24:59,057
With a nose for smelling out eviI
superior to anything on the force.
357
00:24:59,177 --> 00:25:00,616
Oh, yes.
358
00:25:00,736 --> 00:25:04,456
The police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they?
359
00:25:04,576 --> 00:25:06,057
They never solve anything.
360
00:25:06,177 --> 00:25:09,817
It's always the amateur sleuth
who knows what's going on.
361
00:25:09,937 --> 00:25:14,297
But that's detective fiction.
This is fact, this is reaI.
362
00:25:14,417 --> 00:25:16,576
I'm well aware of the difference,
my dear Milo,
363
00:25:16,696 --> 00:25:20,576
but I'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
364
00:25:21,056 --> 00:25:23,496
Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me...
365
00:25:23,616 --> 00:25:25,817
I'm not sure that I do.
366
00:25:25,937 --> 00:25:28,736
That's why it's a very difficult decision
to make.
367
00:25:28,856 --> 00:25:30,537
Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
368
00:25:30,657 --> 00:25:33,097
You have an expensive woman
and no money.
369
00:25:33,258 --> 00:25:35,057
Yeah, but why don't you
steaI the bloody jewels
370
00:25:35,177 --> 00:25:36,537
and simply hand them over to me?
371
00:25:36,657 --> 00:25:40,378
I should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look reaI.
372
00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:42,737
This house has actually
to be broken into.
373
00:25:42,857 --> 00:25:45,299
Then why don't you break into it?
374
00:25:45,419 --> 00:25:47,778
It's a question of agility for one thing,
dear boy.
375
00:25:47,898 --> 00:25:50,417
Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour.
376
00:25:50,537 --> 00:25:52,377
Let me handle this,
you know what I mean?
377
00:25:52,497 --> 00:25:57,218
Crime is my bag. I got this caper
all worked out to the last detaiI.
378
00:25:59,617 --> 00:26:03,857
�170,000.
379
00:26:05,658 --> 00:26:09,338
Cash, tax free.
380
00:26:10,818 --> 00:26:14,018
It'd take an awfuI lot
of Tindolini's tonsoriaI teasing
381
00:26:14,138 --> 00:26:16,299
to raise that kind of money.
382
00:26:16,979 --> 00:26:19,259
All right, I'll do it.
383
00:26:19,379 --> 00:26:22,259
- Where do you want me to break in?
- Oh, no, no. Not so fast.
384
00:26:22,379 --> 00:26:26,138
- You've got to get disguised first.
- What for?
385
00:26:26,258 --> 00:26:29,338
Well, suppose somebody saw you
climbing in?
386
00:26:29,458 --> 00:26:31,659
Here? In the middle of nowhere?
387
00:26:31,779 --> 00:26:33,858
I could hardly find this place
with a bloody map!
388
00:26:33,979 --> 00:26:36,298
You never know.
389
00:26:36,778 --> 00:26:39,938
A dallying couple,
a passing sheep rapist.
390
00:26:40,058 --> 00:26:42,378
Besides, dear boy,
don't forget the clues we've got to leave
391
00:26:42,498 --> 00:26:44,458
for the police
and the insurance company.
392
00:26:44,578 --> 00:26:47,499
We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds,
393
00:26:47,619 --> 00:26:49,580
or your coat button
snagged on the window sill.
394
00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:52,580
No, no, no! You must be disguised!
395
00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:54,300
All right, how?
396
00:26:56,140 --> 00:26:58,779
Please to follow me, number one son.
397
00:27:02,339 --> 00:27:04,179
You know, my dear Milo,
398
00:27:04,299 --> 00:27:07,299
in the good old days, before television,
that is,
399
00:27:07,419 --> 00:27:10,419
people constructed the pleasures of life
for themselves.
400
00:27:10,539 --> 00:27:12,619
They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
401
00:27:12,739 --> 00:27:16,300
They didn't just sit and stare.
402
00:27:16,420 --> 00:27:18,780
Why, in this house
there was scarcely a weekend
403
00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:22,060
without its treasure hunts, charades,
404
00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:26,020
games of infinite variety,
make up and dress up.
405
00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:29,820
There was virtually no end
to the concealment of identity,
406
00:27:29,980 --> 00:27:31,619
but surely Marguerite has told you.
407
00:27:31,739 --> 00:27:34,099
Actually, she never mentioned it.
408
00:27:36,461 --> 00:27:38,421
It was all some time ago.
409
00:27:39,261 --> 00:27:43,942
A few scenes from some of my books,
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
410
00:27:44,062 --> 00:27:46,621
The necrophilic barber
of Tunbridge Wells
411
00:27:46,741 --> 00:27:51,062
and the doltish pie poisoner
from the Simple Simon murders.
412
00:27:52,301 --> 00:27:54,821
And here's my favourite.
Now, this really is ingenious...
413
00:27:54,941 --> 00:27:58,622
Andrew, we were looking for a disguise.
414
00:27:58,742 --> 00:28:00,381
Quite so, dear boy, so we were.
415
00:28:00,501 --> 00:28:04,022
Now, here we are,
the old dressing up basket,
416
00:28:04,142 --> 00:28:08,021
our old treasure chest of make-believe.
Let's see what we've got.
417
00:28:08,462 --> 00:28:13,342
This should suit. Item, one black face
mask, one black flat cap,
418
00:28:13,461 --> 00:28:16,061
a striped jersey
and a bag marked "swag".
419
00:28:16,902 --> 00:28:19,341
Why not a neon sign
with "burglar" on it?
420
00:28:19,542 --> 00:28:21,302
You may have a point.
421
00:28:22,222 --> 00:28:25,904
One of my favourites,
the ecclesiasticaI house breaker,
422
00:28:26,063 --> 00:28:28,063
Brother Lightfingers.
423
00:28:28,183 --> 00:28:30,742
Perhaps we shall never know
the identity of the cowled figure
424
00:28:30,862 --> 00:28:32,583
seen haunting the grounds
of the old Manor House
425
00:28:32,703 --> 00:28:33,902
on the night of the terrible murder.
426
00:28:34,022 --> 00:28:37,144
If living identity had happened.
427
00:28:37,264 --> 00:28:40,103
There are those to this day
who claim to hear
428
00:28:40,223 --> 00:28:44,223
the agonised screams of the victim
429
00:28:44,342 --> 00:28:47,502
echoing through the chimney pots!
430
00:28:47,622 --> 00:28:51,022
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about!
431
00:28:51,143 --> 00:28:54,783
Haven't you just got
an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat
432
00:28:54,902 --> 00:28:56,663
and a sock I can pull over my head?
433
00:28:56,782 --> 00:29:01,742
Old pair of sneakers and a sock?
Milo, where's your sense of style?
434
00:29:01,862 --> 00:29:04,863
We must give our crime
the true sparkle of the '30s,
435
00:29:04,983 --> 00:29:07,744
a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
436
00:29:07,864 --> 00:29:10,463
Don't you feeI the need
to give your old arch enemy,
437
00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:13,743
Inspector Plodder, of the Yard,
a run for his money?
438
00:29:15,462 --> 00:29:19,663
Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you.
439
00:29:19,783 --> 00:29:23,184
A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots
440
00:29:25,264 --> 00:29:27,703
and all the snuff you could want.
441
00:29:30,064 --> 00:29:31,943
Groovy!
442
00:29:32,064 --> 00:29:35,504
Look,
I might even do the whole thing in drag.
443
00:29:38,984 --> 00:29:41,425
Kiss me, you fooI.
444
00:29:42,464 --> 00:29:44,905
I can fight it no longer, darling.
445
00:29:45,466 --> 00:29:49,224
If you must go, don't look back,
Andrew...
446
00:29:50,463 --> 00:29:52,344
Jesus Christ! Who's that?
447
00:29:52,465 --> 00:29:55,344
So that's where you've been,
Auntie Borden, naughty girI.
448
00:29:55,464 --> 00:29:58,344
- Shall we decide on the dress, then?
- No, I don't like it.
449
00:29:58,864 --> 00:30:01,305
Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you?
450
00:30:01,425 --> 00:30:03,384
There doesn't seem to be
a very great deaI left.
451
00:30:03,504 --> 00:30:06,064
We'll just have to settle for Joey.
452
00:30:07,424 --> 00:30:11,625
Joey. Now you're talking.
453
00:30:11,745 --> 00:30:12,944
A clown!
454
00:30:13,184 --> 00:30:14,665
Can't you see it all?
455
00:30:14,785 --> 00:30:18,824
The sawdust ring, the tinseI, the glitter,
the lights!
456
00:30:18,944 --> 00:30:21,105
The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowds.
457
00:30:21,225 --> 00:30:23,985
There is Milo Tindle,
the kiddies' delight!
458
00:30:24,104 --> 00:30:27,144
- Now, this is all right.
- Off with your jacket!
459
00:30:28,224 --> 00:30:29,544
That's right,
your shirt and your trousers.
460
00:30:29,664 --> 00:30:30,624
What for?
461
00:30:30,784 --> 00:30:33,584
We don't want the police to find
any fibres from this beautifuI frock.
462
00:30:33,704 --> 00:30:36,265
You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
463
00:30:36,384 --> 00:30:38,025
We won't take any risks, you and I.
464
00:30:38,146 --> 00:30:41,466
That's right, down to your smalls.
Don't be shy.
465
00:30:43,626 --> 00:30:46,907
I know a well brought up boy
when I see one.
466
00:30:47,027 --> 00:30:48,947
Folds his trousers at night, huh?
467
00:31:03,825 --> 00:31:08,506
Hey, slap shoes. Do you know
I've always wanted a pair of these?
468
00:31:08,626 --> 00:31:09,586
Yes, my boy.
469
00:31:09,746 --> 00:31:11,666
My father took me to the palladium
when I was a kid.
470
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:13,546
I might have caught on
in show business, you know?
471
00:31:13,667 --> 00:31:15,987
You never know,
a lot of my friends did.
472
00:31:16,106 --> 00:31:19,386
They got to the top. You know how?
They danced their way through.
473
00:31:22,746 --> 00:31:25,826
You know, I guess vaudeville's loss
was hairdressing's gain.
474
00:31:25,946 --> 00:31:28,587
- Talking of gain, are we ready?
- Yes!
475
00:31:28,707 --> 00:31:31,946
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
476
00:31:32,066 --> 00:31:33,985
The grand parade.
477
00:31:44,745 --> 00:31:46,906
Make way for Tindolini!
478
00:31:48,067 --> 00:31:52,548
The kiddies' favourite.
Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock!
479
00:31:53,668 --> 00:31:55,548
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
480
00:31:55,668 --> 00:32:00,548
in the centre ring,
the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini!
481
00:32:04,628 --> 00:32:08,307
- He thinks I'm funny.
- You are funny. Turn it off!
482
00:32:10,868 --> 00:32:14,068
Now then,
one glass cutter for breaking in with,
483
00:32:14,188 --> 00:32:16,828
one piece of putty
for holding on to the cut piece of glass
484
00:32:16,947 --> 00:32:18,428
so it doesn't clatter to the ground
485
00:32:18,549 --> 00:32:20,308
and awake
the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
486
00:32:20,428 --> 00:32:23,628
you suspect lurks inside
and one stethoscope.
487
00:32:23,748 --> 00:32:26,148
- Stethoscope?
- Safe breakers for the use of.
488
00:32:26,268 --> 00:32:30,267
The theory is you tried to pick the lock
of the safe by listening to the tumblers,
489
00:32:30,387 --> 00:32:32,669
you failed and had to resort to dynamite.
490
00:32:32,788 --> 00:32:35,748
- Dynamite? What for?
- Safes for the blowing open of.
491
00:32:35,868 --> 00:32:38,668
But you can leave all that to me.
Now, how about a bizarre touch?
492
00:32:38,788 --> 00:32:42,866
Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom
impaled upon a splinter of glass.
493
00:32:42,986 --> 00:32:44,988
Why not take a full page ad
in The Times
494
00:32:45,108 --> 00:32:47,107
and sell tickets
for the cops to come and watch?
495
00:32:47,227 --> 00:32:48,228
Pom-poms.
496
00:32:48,347 --> 00:32:50,228
Well, I was only trying to lighten
Inspector Plodder's day
497
00:32:50,348 --> 00:32:51,347
for him, but if you don't like it...
498
00:32:51,468 --> 00:32:53,547
There is no such animaI
as Inspector Plodder
499
00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,748
outside your detective stories.
500
00:32:55,867 --> 00:32:57,547
It'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
501
00:32:57,667 --> 00:33:00,070
who knows his job
down to the last detaiI!
502
00:33:00,190 --> 00:33:02,150
You can bet your bottom dollar on that!
503
00:33:02,270 --> 00:33:05,348
And I can't move in this outfit!
These bloody boots are ridiculous!
504
00:33:05,468 --> 00:33:09,791
But you loved them so. Do keep them
on! Can't you see the headlines?
505
00:33:09,911 --> 00:33:13,791
"Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled,
where will Big Boots strike next?"
506
00:33:13,911 --> 00:33:16,469
Right in the arse, that's where, mine.
507
00:33:17,030 --> 00:33:21,110
All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professionaI
508
00:33:21,230 --> 00:33:23,670
realising that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
509
00:33:23,830 --> 00:33:26,470
decided to disguise his own.
510
00:33:26,590 --> 00:33:28,949
Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything?
511
00:33:29,069 --> 00:33:31,791
Glass cutter, putty and...
512
00:33:31,910 --> 00:33:34,351
- Yes, yes, yes... I've got everything.
- And the stethoscope?
513
00:33:34,471 --> 00:33:40,951
Milo, you are maudlin.
You are the complete clown.
514
00:33:41,150 --> 00:33:42,111
Thank you.
515
00:33:44,310 --> 00:33:45,912
Very clever!
516
00:33:46,271 --> 00:33:49,471
Now,
come along with me and listen carefully.
517
00:33:53,550 --> 00:33:56,230
Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
518
00:33:56,351 --> 00:33:58,790
In the far corner you'll find a shed,
in the shed you'll find a ladder.
519
00:33:58,950 --> 00:34:02,150
Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room,
520
00:34:02,270 --> 00:34:03,790
so that you can break in
on the upper landing.
521
00:34:03,910 --> 00:34:05,231
Understanding?
522
00:34:07,271 --> 00:34:08,872
- Upper landing?
- Yeah.
523
00:34:08,991 --> 00:34:11,912
I suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you?
524
00:34:12,031 --> 00:34:15,151
Certainly not. I don't want my footprints
in the flower beds.
525
00:34:15,272 --> 00:34:17,671
- I'm not very good at heights.
- Well, don't look down.
526
00:34:17,791 --> 00:34:21,271
Concentrate instead on thick bundles
of crisp pound notes,
527
00:34:21,391 --> 00:34:24,671
170,000 of them in cash, tax free.
528
00:34:24,791 --> 00:34:26,432
Good luck, Milo.
529
00:34:31,152 --> 00:34:33,152
Don't forget your gloves.
530
00:34:33,472 --> 00:34:35,153
What a way to make a living.
531
00:36:31,875 --> 00:36:33,715
Did you hear a noise, puss?
532
00:36:35,035 --> 00:36:37,476
And was that a footstep in the garden?
533
00:36:37,636 --> 00:36:41,716
No, no. I must be mistaken.
There it is again.
534
00:37:03,916 --> 00:37:05,196
What's that?
535
00:37:05,316 --> 00:37:09,075
Someone outside, prowling around
the grounds. I'm certain of it.
536
00:37:43,796 --> 00:37:47,076
Now, now, now.
We mustn't imagine things.
537
00:37:47,197 --> 00:37:50,397
Who would harm
a kindly old spinster like me?
538
00:37:50,516 --> 00:37:53,836
The front door's locked
and the windows, too.
539
00:37:54,236 --> 00:37:59,076
Hey, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
540
00:38:05,397 --> 00:38:08,356
For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't
have made more noise on D-day!
541
00:38:08,476 --> 00:38:11,076
The bloody glass came out,
my bloody boot got stuck,
542
00:38:11,197 --> 00:38:12,638
and I fell down the bloody ladder!
543
00:38:12,758 --> 00:38:15,518
Well, the bloody police must've heard it
all the way to bloody Salisbury.
544
00:38:15,638 --> 00:38:16,799
I'm sorry!
545
00:39:04,598 --> 00:39:07,198
Somehow, I thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
546
00:39:13,079 --> 00:39:16,039
- Now for the jewels.
- Not straight away.
547
00:39:16,159 --> 00:39:17,960
You're not supposed to know
where they are.
548
00:39:18,079 --> 00:39:22,038
You'll have to hunt about a bit first,
disturb a few things.
549
00:39:22,158 --> 00:39:25,919
If you'll be good enough to follow me
Miss Rebecca...
550
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,280
A turnstile to the bedrooms?
551
00:39:38,399 --> 00:39:41,879
One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
552
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:52,520
The mistress' bedroom,
or would you know your way about?
553
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:56,041
- The mistress or her bedroom?
- It's irrelevant.
554
00:39:56,761 --> 00:40:00,521
Now, Milo, where to begin?
555
00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:05,841
The bottom drawer,
the trousseau drawer, the frillies!
556
00:40:06,002 --> 00:40:08,281
Take them out, vandalise them.
557
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:12,560
Come on, Milo,
you're a burglar, not a lady's maid.
558
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,121
Don't pat them, ravage them.
559
00:40:15,361 --> 00:40:16,920
Come on, Milo.
560
00:40:18,761 --> 00:40:21,881
Excellent. Now, tear that.
561
00:40:22,121 --> 00:40:23,561
That's better.
562
00:40:23,681 --> 00:40:25,561
Now, where would
m'lady hide the trophies
563
00:40:25,681 --> 00:40:28,041
of her skilled accomplishments?
564
00:40:28,161 --> 00:40:32,360
Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds,
sapphires interleaved
565
00:40:32,481 --> 00:40:35,561
among her lace-edged underclothes,
566
00:40:35,681 --> 00:40:38,641
stuffed into the false bottoms
of hat boxes,
567
00:40:38,761 --> 00:40:42,601
sewn into the hems
of always the latest, had-to-have,
568
00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:45,441
at-once-discarded Parisian dresses,
569
00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:50,881
or perhaps secretly concealed
in the back of this?
570
00:40:51,682 --> 00:40:54,481
What better safe deposit for deceit?
571
00:40:54,601 --> 00:40:57,722
How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray?
572
00:40:57,841 --> 00:41:02,682
The mouth that lied and kissed
and lied again!
573
00:41:02,803 --> 00:41:05,403
I thought it was me who
was supposed to be doing the ravaging?
574
00:41:05,523 --> 00:41:08,243
So it was. So it was.
Merely demonstrating, I was.
575
00:41:08,363 --> 00:41:11,083
Be a good fellow.
Stamp on that, will you?
576
00:41:12,283 --> 00:41:14,163
- Why me?
- I'm afraid if I broke it
577
00:41:14,283 --> 00:41:16,962
I'd get seven more years of Marguerite.
578
00:41:19,123 --> 00:41:20,482
Thank you.
579
00:41:26,523 --> 00:41:28,642
- Now, where's your bedroom?
- My...
580
00:41:28,762 --> 00:41:32,002
- It's my turn to demonstrate.
- My dear Milo,
581
00:41:32,122 --> 00:41:34,723
having failed to find the jewels among
the lady's personaI possessions...
582
00:41:34,843 --> 00:41:35,922
It'd be a bit suspicious,
583
00:41:36,042 --> 00:41:38,003
a professionaI burglar
playing favourites.
584
00:41:38,123 --> 00:41:40,562
No, on the contrary,
an intelligent burglar
585
00:41:40,682 --> 00:41:42,923
would immediately look
for the next most likely hiding place.
586
00:41:43,043 --> 00:41:45,202
- Which is where?
- The inevitable safe.
587
00:41:45,323 --> 00:41:48,242
Just blow it open and steaI what's in it.
588
00:41:48,362 --> 00:41:49,843
Come on, Milo.
589
00:41:51,282 --> 00:41:52,321
Right.
590
00:42:00,403 --> 00:42:03,483
- What kind of charge you got here?
- Enough for the job.
591
00:42:03,603 --> 00:42:06,763
I learnt about explosives for
The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
592
00:42:06,883 --> 00:42:09,725
Ready? Stand by for the countdown.
593
00:42:13,405 --> 00:42:15,725
Five, a four,
594
00:42:15,844 --> 00:42:16,884
a three,
595
00:42:17,005 --> 00:42:18,084
a two,
596
00:42:18,204 --> 00:42:19,484
a one,
597
00:42:19,605 --> 00:42:20,645
a blast off.
598
00:42:51,405 --> 00:42:53,644
I've got it. I've got it.
599
00:42:59,045 --> 00:43:01,883
What are you shaking it for?
It's a jeweI box, not a maraca.
600
00:43:02,003 --> 00:43:04,324
I thought it might have a secret catch.
It's locked, you see?
601
00:43:04,444 --> 00:43:05,443
Well, smash it open.
602
00:43:05,564 --> 00:43:09,244
Jesus, you have all the killer instinct
of a 20-year-old Sealyham.
603
00:43:09,364 --> 00:43:12,163
It's a very pretty box,
it seemed such a waste.
604
00:43:23,166 --> 00:43:27,406
- Dear God.
- Moses looks upon the Promised Land.
605
00:43:32,848 --> 00:43:34,567
They're fantastic.
606
00:43:45,207 --> 00:43:48,407
- Look at this ruby necklace.
- Never much cared for it myself.
607
00:43:48,527 --> 00:43:52,207
Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
608
00:43:52,328 --> 00:43:57,207
I wish my old man could see these.
He never knew what it was all about.
609
00:43:57,326 --> 00:44:01,967
Sitting there, every night,
hunched over those watches of his.
610
00:44:02,087 --> 00:44:05,567
Squinting his eyesight away,
and for what?
611
00:44:06,407 --> 00:44:10,606
To give me an education at
a second-rate public schooI.
612
00:44:12,365 --> 00:44:14,887
I suppose he thought he had to.
613
00:44:15,006 --> 00:44:17,287
That he owed it to me
614
00:44:17,446 --> 00:44:20,326
and the brand new
Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted.
615
00:44:23,246 --> 00:44:24,567
Silly old bugger.
616
00:44:24,687 --> 00:44:29,127
Never thought his son would be tucking
a fortune away into his pocket, eh?
617
00:44:29,768 --> 00:44:31,607
Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
618
00:44:31,727 --> 00:44:33,528
is something we just haven't
got time for at the moment.
619
00:44:33,648 --> 00:44:35,008
Do you mind?
620
00:44:40,569 --> 00:44:43,169
Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
621
00:44:43,289 --> 00:44:45,728
wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
622
00:44:45,848 --> 00:44:48,689
surprises the burglar,
and in the ensuing fight,
623
00:44:48,809 --> 00:44:50,808
the house is sacked.
624
00:44:50,928 --> 00:44:53,848
Why is it necessary
for you to surprise me at all?
625
00:44:53,968 --> 00:44:56,128
Because, if I've seen
you at close quarters,
626
00:44:56,249 --> 00:44:59,568
I can always describe you
to the police, wrongly.
627
00:45:00,609 --> 00:45:03,048
"Did you get a good look
at the intruder's face, sir?"
628
00:45:03,209 --> 00:45:06,688
"Yes, Inspector, I did.
I don't know if it was a trick of the light,
629
00:45:06,809 --> 00:45:09,768
"but somehow,
his face seemed not wholly human... "
630
00:45:09,888 --> 00:45:11,529
How much sacking do you want done?
631
00:45:11,649 --> 00:45:13,889
A decent bit, I think.
A few chairs upturned,
632
00:45:14,008 --> 00:45:15,449
ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing.
633
00:45:15,569 --> 00:45:18,328
You know,
convincing but not Carthaginian.
634
00:45:28,128 --> 00:45:30,409
You surely don't call that convincing.
635
00:45:30,568 --> 00:45:31,968
Milo.
636
00:45:39,729 --> 00:45:43,489
Let the literature fly to the four winds,
637
00:45:43,649 --> 00:45:49,209
let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves.
638
00:46:07,770 --> 00:46:10,050
Hey, that's my new manuscript!
639
00:46:16,171 --> 00:46:18,530
Let my secretary sort it out.
640
00:46:29,969 --> 00:46:32,250
- Enough?
- For a starter.
641
00:46:32,370 --> 00:46:37,690
Now, let's see what accident does
to artifice, seconds out of the ring.
642
00:46:37,810 --> 00:46:41,250
- What seconds? What for?
- The ensuing fight, remember?
643
00:46:43,892 --> 00:46:46,051
- Hey!
- Well, you're the underdog, aren't you?
644
00:46:46,171 --> 00:46:49,851
You got the support of the crowd,
haven't you? What more do you want?
645
00:46:51,692 --> 00:46:53,491
- You've asked for this.
- Don't let me out.
646
00:46:53,611 --> 00:46:55,012
My wife's gonna have a baby.
647
00:46:55,132 --> 00:46:56,891
Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up.
648
00:46:57,011 --> 00:46:59,611
This fight is fixed, remember?
This is where I take a dive,
649
00:46:59,731 --> 00:47:02,011
and you knock me out cold!
650
00:47:03,051 --> 00:47:04,611
- For reaI?
- Naturally.
651
00:47:04,730 --> 00:47:07,451
When the police come,
I'll have to show them a reaI lump.
652
00:47:07,571 --> 00:47:09,611
Yes, I thought you'd like this bit.
653
00:47:09,731 --> 00:47:11,612
You're dead right.
654
00:47:11,732 --> 00:47:14,172
Now, what shall I use?
655
00:47:14,292 --> 00:47:16,812
Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
656
00:47:18,851 --> 00:47:23,051
There it is.
The originaI blunt instrument.
657
00:47:23,171 --> 00:47:24,972
The poker.
658
00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:26,932
- Right. Now, where do you want it?
- Now steady.
659
00:47:27,052 --> 00:47:28,092
Now, don't get carried away.
660
00:47:28,252 --> 00:47:30,372
It's not a murder weapon you
are talking about, you know?
661
00:47:30,492 --> 00:47:31,452
- No?
- No.
662
00:47:31,612 --> 00:47:33,293
We're discussing an object
from which I receive,
663
00:47:33,413 --> 00:47:35,332
in the classic formula, a glancing blow,
664
00:47:35,452 --> 00:47:38,491
which will raise a lump
without actually cracking the cranium.
665
00:47:38,611 --> 00:47:40,611
Why don't I just
keep tapping you lightly on the head
666
00:47:40,731 --> 00:47:42,612
with the poker, untiI a lump comes up?
667
00:47:42,731 --> 00:47:44,132
Quite frankly, I've rather
gone off the whole thing.
668
00:47:44,252 --> 00:47:47,012
Now, I know, you can always tie me up
and gag me and leave me
669
00:47:47,132 --> 00:47:48,572
to be found by the cleaning woman.
670
00:47:48,692 --> 00:47:50,331
"Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke!
671
00:47:50,452 --> 00:47:54,373
"Whatever do we be doing there
all trussed up like a turkey cock?
672
00:47:58,292 --> 00:48:00,373
"God bless you, sir.
You're trying out something
673
00:48:00,493 --> 00:48:02,693
"for one of them creepy new books
of yours.
674
00:48:02,813 --> 00:48:05,773
"I know, now don't you mind me.
I won't disturb thee.
675
00:48:05,893 --> 00:48:08,332
"I'll just be getting on with me dusting. "
676
00:48:08,452 --> 00:48:13,452
Andrew, if I don't knock you out,
how have I tied you up?
677
00:48:13,572 --> 00:48:15,172
That's a very good question.
678
00:48:15,292 --> 00:48:17,692
Come to think of it,
you could always hold a gun on me.
679
00:48:17,893 --> 00:48:21,132
We professionaI burglars
don't fancy firearms much.
680
00:48:21,332 --> 00:48:22,813
We are English, after all.
681
00:48:23,013 --> 00:48:25,814
You could always conquer
your Anglo-Saxon scruples.
682
00:48:25,934 --> 00:48:29,414
Besides, it will be my own revolver,
which you had taken from me
683
00:48:29,534 --> 00:48:31,213
during the struggle.
684
00:48:31,454 --> 00:48:32,774
- Is that loaded?
- Well, of course.
685
00:48:32,894 --> 00:48:33,934
What would be the use of it, otherwise?
686
00:48:34,054 --> 00:48:37,094
And I think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
687
00:48:37,214 --> 00:48:39,974
blowing to smithereens
the usuaI priceless heirlooms.
688
00:48:40,174 --> 00:48:42,494
- Why?
- To lend credence to my story
689
00:48:42,613 --> 00:48:46,452
of your holding it on me,
while you gagged me and tied me up.
690
00:48:46,572 --> 00:48:49,015
- All right?
- Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.
691
00:48:49,415 --> 00:48:51,774
Right. Now, what to sacrifice?
692
00:48:52,855 --> 00:48:55,694
What about this old codger up here?
693
00:48:55,814 --> 00:48:57,014
Put that down at once!
694
00:48:57,134 --> 00:48:58,534
That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
695
00:48:58,654 --> 00:49:00,334
given me by the
Mystery Writers of America
696
00:49:00,454 --> 00:49:04,456
for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
The Slaying of Jack Sprat.
697
00:49:04,896 --> 00:49:07,616
Ironically enough,
for one who would eat no fat,
698
00:49:07,735 --> 00:49:10,936
he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesteroI.
699
00:49:11,056 --> 00:49:12,176
Now.
700
00:49:13,455 --> 00:49:18,656
What do you say to the demolition
of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug?
701
00:49:27,775 --> 00:49:28,895
Puzzle jug?
702
00:49:29,015 --> 00:49:32,095
To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
703
00:49:41,216 --> 00:49:44,096
- Very funny.
- Marguerite thought it clever.
704
00:49:44,216 --> 00:49:46,256
Which ought to tell you
something about Marguerite.
705
00:49:46,537 --> 00:49:48,896
Let us expose its shortcomings.
706
00:49:51,256 --> 00:49:53,696
Well, you might've said good shot.
707
00:49:53,936 --> 00:49:57,256
You bloody maniac!
You could've killed me!
708
00:49:57,376 --> 00:50:01,336
Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke,
the demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
709
00:50:01,456 --> 00:50:02,936
Now, what next?
710
00:50:06,815 --> 00:50:11,097
The last tender memento
of our Venetian honeymoon.
711
00:50:11,737 --> 00:50:14,537
I will not resist the temptation.
712
00:50:15,377 --> 00:50:20,297
Shucks. Gosh darn,
if I ain't missed the dog-gone critter.
713
00:50:29,057 --> 00:50:30,456
You hit what you were aiming for,
all right.
714
00:50:30,576 --> 00:50:31,977
Now don't be peevish, Milo.
715
00:50:32,097 --> 00:50:34,696
There's nothing like a little bit
of mayhem to cheer one up.
716
00:50:34,816 --> 00:50:38,337
- Did you ever know Charlie Begby?
- You know damned well I didn't.
717
00:50:38,496 --> 00:50:41,536
He was the very finest shot
I ever did see.
718
00:50:41,656 --> 00:50:46,497
I once saw him bag six ducks
with one shot, when he was blind drunk.
719
00:50:46,617 --> 00:50:47,897
The only thing was,
they were china ducks
720
00:50:48,017 --> 00:50:49,657
in his auntie's drawing room. And I said,
721
00:50:49,777 --> 00:50:53,297
"But Charlie, you can't do that.
It's the closed season. "
722
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:58,099
Told you he always laughs at my jokes.
723
00:50:58,219 --> 00:51:00,058
Even the bad ones.
724
00:51:00,738 --> 00:51:03,538
True, not as funny as all that.
725
00:51:03,657 --> 00:51:07,577
There's an open season
all the year round for some creatures.
726
00:51:07,978 --> 00:51:10,778
Seducers and wife-stealers,
for example.
727
00:51:10,978 --> 00:51:12,578
Now, that's a bad Italian joke.
728
00:51:12,697 --> 00:51:14,898
You should know,
it's your country of origin, is it not?
729
00:51:15,018 --> 00:51:19,459
No, actually, I'm English.
I was born here in England.
730
00:51:19,579 --> 00:51:21,859
Were you now? Actually?
731
00:51:21,979 --> 00:51:24,139
Born in dear old,
cradle-of-the-parliamentary-system
732
00:51:24,259 --> 00:51:27,779
who-screws-my-wife,
merits-a-large-pink-gin, England?
733
00:51:27,899 --> 00:51:30,459
Sense-of-humour,
fair-play England, I mean.
734
00:51:31,059 --> 00:51:32,940
Don't you believe it.
That's the way a foreigner talks.
735
00:51:33,060 --> 00:51:36,019
What he really thinks in private is,
"Filthy, wet country!
736
00:51:36,139 --> 00:51:38,098
"Ugly, red, cold men
737
00:51:38,218 --> 00:51:40,938
"who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cooI women. "
738
00:51:41,058 --> 00:51:43,018
And what brought all this on, then?
739
00:51:46,978 --> 00:51:49,898
- What are you doing with that gun?
- Pretty obviously pointing it at you.
740
00:51:50,018 --> 00:51:51,859
I can see that, but why?
741
00:51:51,979 --> 00:51:54,699
Because I'm gonna kill you.
742
00:51:55,379 --> 00:51:57,378
You are gonna kill me?
743
00:51:57,498 --> 00:52:01,059
Jesus, here we go again
with another one of your games.
744
00:52:01,179 --> 00:52:03,259
Another one? No, it's the same one.
745
00:52:03,379 --> 00:52:05,178
We've been playing it all evening.
It's called,
746
00:52:05,299 --> 00:52:08,699
"You're going to die,
and no one will suspect murder. "
747
00:52:11,418 --> 00:52:15,420
You... You mean all that
steaI the jeweI stuff was just...
748
00:52:15,779 --> 00:52:19,300
I invited you around here to set up
the circumstances of your own death.
749
00:52:19,459 --> 00:52:22,980
The break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
750
00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:25,340
the house-holder aroused,
grappled with the thief,
751
00:52:25,460 --> 00:52:30,661
and gun going off during the struggle
and then the finaI fataI shot.
752
00:52:31,860 --> 00:52:34,942
Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
753
00:52:35,061 --> 00:52:37,661
- It ain't funny no more.
- It ain't, ain't it?
754
00:52:37,781 --> 00:52:40,701
- Can you find a flaw in it?
- Marguerite.
755
00:52:40,821 --> 00:52:43,021
The cops'll trace a connection
between Marguerite and me.
756
00:52:43,141 --> 00:52:45,140
- What nonsense.
- They'll know that's why you did it.
757
00:52:45,260 --> 00:52:46,700
How was I expected
to know who you were?
758
00:52:46,820 --> 00:52:48,540
The law will have
every sympathy for me.
759
00:52:48,660 --> 00:52:52,180
Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
760
00:52:52,300 --> 00:52:53,620
Even Marguerite will
assume that you were,
761
00:52:53,740 --> 00:52:55,980
after all, just an adventurer
after her jewels.
762
00:52:56,100 --> 00:52:57,701
A petty sneak thief,
763
00:52:57,821 --> 00:53:01,741
who, in the end, found larceny
less burdensome than matrimony.
764
00:53:02,020 --> 00:53:05,700
The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony?
765
00:53:06,420 --> 00:53:08,621
Wit in the face of adversity. Good!
766
00:53:08,741 --> 00:53:10,861
You've learnt something
from the English.
767
00:53:10,981 --> 00:53:12,301
And here's something else,
a sporting chance.
768
00:53:12,421 --> 00:53:13,621
Why don't you make a run for it?
769
00:53:13,741 --> 00:53:15,700
And give you the chance to shoot
me down in cold blood?
770
00:53:15,820 --> 00:53:18,180
Hot blood, you mean.
But I'll tell you what I'll do.
771
00:53:18,300 --> 00:53:20,461
I'll close my eyes,
and count up to 20 slowly.
772
00:53:20,580 --> 00:53:23,100
That should give you a reasonable
chance. Go on, Milo, off you go.
773
00:53:23,220 --> 00:53:24,340
One.
774
00:53:25,940 --> 00:53:27,300
One,
775
00:53:28,421 --> 00:53:29,540
two,
776
00:53:30,061 --> 00:53:31,261
three,
777
00:53:31,461 --> 00:53:32,661
four,
778
00:53:33,181 --> 00:53:34,381
five,
779
00:53:34,621 --> 00:53:35,822
six,
780
00:53:36,260 --> 00:53:37,382
seven,
781
00:53:37,822 --> 00:53:38,902
eight,
782
00:53:39,022 --> 00:53:40,222
nine,
783
00:53:40,622 --> 00:53:41,662
10,
784
00:53:41,902 --> 00:53:43,103
11,
785
00:53:43,503 --> 00:53:44,623
12,
786
00:53:45,062 --> 00:53:46,263
13,
787
00:53:46,663 --> 00:53:47,862
14,
788
00:53:48,262 --> 00:53:49,383
15,
789
00:53:49,823 --> 00:53:51,023
16,
790
00:53:51,422 --> 00:53:52,622
17,
791
00:53:53,223 --> 00:53:54,342
18,
792
00:53:54,782 --> 00:53:56,222
19,
793
00:53:56,782 --> 00:53:59,621
and a 20.
794
00:54:05,502 --> 00:54:08,983
- You left them in that beautifuI coat.
- Oh, my God.
795
00:54:09,103 --> 00:54:11,863
Let's have you out of that car, shall we?
796
00:54:12,423 --> 00:54:15,583
Those lovely boots
back on again, please.
797
00:54:35,343 --> 00:54:37,582
Now, of course,
the only question left to be decided,
798
00:54:37,703 --> 00:54:39,703
is where the police shall find you.
799
00:54:40,584 --> 00:54:43,903
Of course, you could be Iying
sprawled over the desk in the study,
800
00:54:44,023 --> 00:54:46,905
like countless colonels,
in countless studies,
801
00:54:47,025 --> 00:54:49,745
or propped up in the log basket
like a rag doll.
802
00:54:49,865 --> 00:54:53,224
Which do you fancy, early Agatha
Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine?
803
00:54:53,345 --> 00:54:55,786
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
you're talking of a murder!
804
00:54:55,946 --> 00:54:57,985
Of killing a reaI man!
Don't you understand?
805
00:54:58,105 --> 00:55:00,545
I shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps best of all,
806
00:55:00,705 --> 00:55:03,384
a reaI 1930s murder weapon,
the mashie niblick.
807
00:55:03,585 --> 00:55:05,945
I've got one in my golf bag.
808
00:55:27,985 --> 00:55:30,824
Dear, old mashie niblick.
809
00:55:30,944 --> 00:55:35,865
I think you'll be found in the fireplace,
in a fair old mess.
810
00:55:35,985 --> 00:55:37,264
The body lay on its back.
811
00:55:37,384 --> 00:55:40,105
Its limbs, grotesquely splayed
like a broken puppet.
812
00:55:40,225 --> 00:55:44,784
The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernaturaI force.
813
00:55:44,905 --> 00:55:47,785
"My God,"
breathed the Inspector, blanching.
814
00:55:47,905 --> 00:55:50,424
"Thompson, you'd better
get a tarpaulin.
815
00:55:50,544 --> 00:55:54,465
"Excuse me, sir, but was
all this violence, strictly necessary?"
816
00:55:54,585 --> 00:55:56,386
"I'm sorry, Inspector.
817
00:55:56,506 --> 00:55:58,866
"I'm afraid I lost controI of myself
when I saw him
818
00:55:58,986 --> 00:56:01,546
"handling my wife's
intimate garments. "
819
00:56:01,826 --> 00:56:03,827
It's too bloody elaborate.
I'll tell you what.
820
00:56:03,947 --> 00:56:06,466
I think the scene
the police find is simply this.
821
00:56:06,587 --> 00:56:10,026
After the fight, you flee up the stairs,
back to your ladder again.
822
00:56:10,147 --> 00:56:11,907
Go on, Milo, flee.
823
00:56:12,027 --> 00:56:13,386
Up you go.
824
00:56:14,826 --> 00:56:16,226
Up you go.
825
00:56:26,467 --> 00:56:28,546
I catch you on the landing,
826
00:56:28,667 --> 00:56:31,467
and in the renewed struggle,
I shoot you.
827
00:56:31,586 --> 00:56:36,426
Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo?
828
00:56:36,587 --> 00:56:40,467
On the morning of his execution,
King Charles I put on two shirts.
829
00:56:41,227 --> 00:56:44,707
"If I tremble with the cold," he said,
"my enemies will say it was from fear.
830
00:56:44,827 --> 00:56:48,506
"I will not expose myself
to such reproaches. "
831
00:56:48,626 --> 00:56:51,746
We must also
attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity,
832
00:56:51,865 --> 00:56:55,306
as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
833
00:56:56,986 --> 00:56:59,746
Look,
834
00:57:00,067 --> 00:57:03,547
I can't give anything back, can I?
835
00:57:05,348 --> 00:57:08,347
I mean, if it hadn't been me,
836
00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:10,827
it would've been somebody else.
837
00:57:12,148 --> 00:57:13,987
Please.
838
00:57:14,547 --> 00:57:16,708
I'll go away.
839
00:57:16,908 --> 00:57:19,749
You won't never hear of me, no more.
840
00:57:24,388 --> 00:57:26,508
Why, Andrew?
841
00:57:26,628 --> 00:57:28,708
Why me?
842
00:57:29,587 --> 00:57:30,708
Don't sniveI.
843
00:57:30,828 --> 00:57:33,468
I must know why!
844
00:57:34,748 --> 00:57:38,148
I'm amazed you have to ask.
845
00:57:38,268 --> 00:57:40,268
I hate you.
846
00:57:40,748 --> 00:57:44,268
I hate your smarmy good looks,
and your easy manner.
847
00:57:44,388 --> 00:57:47,868
I'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
848
00:57:47,988 --> 00:57:51,229
I knew you'd wear a gold charm
round your neck.
849
00:57:51,349 --> 00:57:55,387
And I'll bet your chest is hairy,
and in summer, matted with sun oiI.
850
00:57:55,507 --> 00:58:01,708
Above all, I hate you because
you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop.
851
00:58:01,868 --> 00:58:03,787
And not one of me.
852
00:58:03,907 --> 00:58:08,147
A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
853
00:58:08,267 --> 00:58:13,269
A jumped-up pantry boy,
who doesn't know his place!
854
00:58:13,389 --> 00:58:19,429
Did you really believe
I'd give up my wife and jewellery to you?
855
00:58:19,549 --> 00:58:23,029
That I'd make myself that ridiculous?
856
00:58:24,790 --> 00:58:26,709
Why not?
857
00:58:26,829 --> 00:58:29,069
You're not in love with her.
858
00:58:29,189 --> 00:58:32,789
Whether I love her or not, I found her.
859
00:58:32,948 --> 00:58:34,789
I've kept her.
860
00:58:34,909 --> 00:58:37,629
She represents me.
861
00:58:37,749 --> 00:58:41,710
Once, she was in love with me.
862
00:58:45,349 --> 00:58:48,270
And now, she's in love with me.
863
00:58:48,390 --> 00:58:50,830
And that's what you
can't forgive, isn't it?
864
00:58:50,990 --> 00:58:54,190
And after me, there'll be others.
865
00:58:54,310 --> 00:58:56,549
You're gonna kill them, too?
866
00:58:56,670 --> 00:58:59,430
You're mad! You're a bloody madman!
867
00:58:59,551 --> 00:59:02,431
And you are a young man,
dressed as a clown,
868
00:59:02,551 --> 00:59:05,869
about to be murdered.
869
00:59:05,990 --> 00:59:08,829
Put the mask on, Milo.
- No, no.
870
00:59:08,949 --> 00:59:13,869
- Put it on.
- No, please.
871
00:59:13,989 --> 00:59:15,949
Put it on.
872
00:59:25,512 --> 00:59:29,512
Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself.
873
00:59:29,632 --> 00:59:33,072
A snivelling, dago clown.
874
00:59:33,192 --> 00:59:34,792
Farewell.
875
00:59:34,912 --> 00:59:36,912
Puncinello.
876
00:59:37,032 --> 00:59:39,231
Please!
877
01:04:40,878 --> 01:04:42,078
Good evening, sir.
878
01:04:42,239 --> 01:04:44,319
I was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
879
01:04:44,439 --> 01:04:46,840
Indeed. And who might you be?
880
01:04:46,960 --> 01:04:52,159
Detective Inspector Doppler, sir,
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
881
01:04:52,279 --> 01:04:56,199
I'm sorry to be calling so late,
but I need to have a few words with you
882
01:04:56,320 --> 01:04:58,760
on a very important matter.
883
01:04:58,920 --> 01:05:00,039
Better come in.
884
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:02,519
Wiltshire County Constabulary,
you say?
885
01:05:02,639 --> 01:05:05,001
That's right, sir.
I'm normally based in Salisbury,
886
01:05:05,161 --> 01:05:10,161
but your locaI man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
887
01:05:10,320 --> 01:05:13,641
Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
888
01:05:13,761 --> 01:05:17,282
There's a time for humming, Inspector.
Would you care for an aquavit?
889
01:05:17,402 --> 01:05:20,282
- No thank you, sir. I've had my supper.
- Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy,
890
01:05:20,402 --> 01:05:22,000
or are you going to tell me
you never drink on duty?
891
01:05:22,361 --> 01:05:24,801
No, sir. I always drink on duty.
892
01:05:24,961 --> 01:05:28,241
I can't afford to on my own time.
893
01:05:28,361 --> 01:05:29,840
Caviar.
894
01:05:29,960 --> 01:05:32,281
So that's what that looks like.
895
01:05:32,481 --> 01:05:34,841
I've often wondered.
896
01:05:42,281 --> 01:05:45,801
Can't say I care for it all that much, sir.
897
01:05:47,120 --> 01:05:49,681
Tastes like fish eggs.
898
01:05:49,801 --> 01:05:50,762
Fancy.
899
01:05:50,921 --> 01:05:54,921
Now, let me take that nasty taste away
with a splendid brandy.
900
01:05:55,041 --> 01:05:57,601
Do follow me, won't you, Inspector?
901
01:06:03,719 --> 01:06:07,840
These old antiques
are very interesting, sir.
902
01:06:09,201 --> 01:06:13,122
You have quite a collection of toys.
903
01:06:13,242 --> 01:06:16,763
Autometer, Inspector. And they all work.
904
01:06:16,923 --> 01:06:20,603
I wouldn't have thought there was much
point in having them if they didn't, sir.
905
01:06:20,723 --> 01:06:25,563
And now, as the cliché has it,
what can I do for you, Inspector?
906
01:06:25,763 --> 01:06:30,921
I am investigating the disappearance
of a Mr Milo Tindle.
907
01:06:31,122 --> 01:06:32,682
Do you know him, sir?
908
01:06:32,801 --> 01:06:35,162
Vaguely.
909
01:06:36,602 --> 01:06:40,563
He walked out of his cottage
late last Friday afternoon
910
01:06:40,683 --> 01:06:43,042
and hasn't been seen since.
911
01:06:43,162 --> 01:06:45,162
Really, I'm afraid
I'm not very much interested
912
01:06:45,282 --> 01:06:48,163
in the migratory habits of hair dressers.
913
01:06:48,283 --> 01:06:50,081
So you do
know the gentleman then, sir?
914
01:06:50,201 --> 01:06:52,243
Well, I know his profession.
915
01:06:52,364 --> 01:06:55,682
I think my wife has mentioned
he had a shop in London.
916
01:06:55,802 --> 01:06:58,842
When did you last see Mr Tindle, sir?
917
01:06:58,962 --> 01:07:01,322
Some months ago.
I wouldn't remember, exactly.
918
01:07:01,442 --> 01:07:02,924
I'd have no reason to, really.
919
01:07:03,043 --> 01:07:06,681
That doesn't quite
accord with our information.
920
01:07:06,801 --> 01:07:12,442
I wonder if you could put some water
in this brandy for me please, sir?
921
01:07:12,562 --> 01:07:14,923
In fact, two nights ago,
922
01:07:15,083 --> 01:07:18,322
he told Jack Benn,
the licensee of the White Lion,
923
01:07:18,442 --> 01:07:20,282
he was on his way up to see you.
924
01:07:20,402 --> 01:07:23,164
Barmen are notorious opponents
of exactitude, Inspector.
925
01:07:23,284 --> 01:07:25,484
Vinous gossip is their stock in trade.
926
01:07:25,603 --> 01:07:28,244
Vinous, as pertaining to wine,
I assume, sir.
927
01:07:28,364 --> 01:07:30,285
Very good.
928
01:07:41,444 --> 01:07:43,444
And I was wondering
if there was something else
929
01:07:43,564 --> 01:07:46,604
- you could correct for me, sir.
- What is that?
930
01:07:46,724 --> 01:07:48,124
The impression, gained by a man,
931
01:07:48,244 --> 01:07:51,284
who happened to be passing
your house on Friday night.
932
01:07:51,404 --> 01:07:55,484
- That shots were fired in here.
- Shots?
933
01:07:55,604 --> 01:07:57,685
Three, our man thinks.
934
01:07:57,804 --> 01:08:00,245
- A car backfiring?
- Oh, no, sir.
935
01:08:00,404 --> 01:08:03,044
I'm afraid that sort of
occurrence only comes in,
936
01:08:03,164 --> 01:08:05,924
saving your presence, sir,
detective stories.
937
01:08:06,044 --> 01:08:09,166
No, these were shots from a gun.
Our man is positive.
938
01:08:09,284 --> 01:08:10,284
I see.
939
01:08:10,405 --> 01:08:13,285
May I ask why you've taken two days
to come round and ask me
940
01:08:13,405 --> 01:08:16,725
- about all this?
- Well, sir, these things
941
01:08:16,845 --> 01:08:20,804
always take a little longer
to check out than you think.
942
01:08:21,084 --> 01:08:25,684
Your locaI man wanted to be sure
of his facts before calling me in
943
01:08:25,804 --> 01:08:28,844
and before troubling
a gentleman like yourself.
944
01:08:28,964 --> 01:08:32,644
- Facts? What facts?
- Well, after our informant
945
01:08:32,765 --> 01:08:37,765
had reported the incident,
we thought we'd better
946
01:08:37,925 --> 01:08:39,726
have a word with Mr Tindle
947
01:08:39,845 --> 01:08:42,726
to see if he could
throw any light on the subject.
948
01:08:42,846 --> 01:08:47,566
And could he? The way to turn that off
is to press that stop in, Inspector.
949
01:08:48,725 --> 01:08:50,686
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
950
01:08:50,926 --> 01:08:56,525
He wasn't at his cottage,
all day Saturday, nor all day today.
951
01:08:57,366 --> 01:09:01,206
We must've called there
at least half a dozen times.
952
01:09:01,326 --> 01:09:04,126
By Jove, sir.
Merridew would've been proud of you.
953
01:09:05,366 --> 01:09:07,646
Your detective, sir.
954
01:09:07,766 --> 01:09:10,806
That's praise, indeed, sir.
I'm a great fan of his lordship.
955
01:09:10,926 --> 01:09:12,206
Are you really?
956
01:09:12,326 --> 01:09:13,727
Well, you must tell me
which is your favourite.
957
01:09:13,847 --> 01:09:15,606
I, myself, have always
had a speciaI affection
958
01:09:15,766 --> 01:09:17,086
for The Case of the Crucified Countess.
959
01:09:17,207 --> 01:09:20,207
When we stepped inside
Mr Tindle's cottage
960
01:09:20,327 --> 01:09:23,766
to make sure
that no harm had come to him,
961
01:09:23,886 --> 01:09:26,246
we found this, sir.
962
01:09:26,406 --> 01:09:28,206
"Urgent we talk.
963
01:09:28,326 --> 01:09:32,006
"Come on Friday evening, about 6:30.
964
01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:33,325
"Wyke. "
965
01:09:33,445 --> 01:09:36,846
May I ask, is this your handwriting, sir?
966
01:09:36,966 --> 01:09:40,846
- Yes, it's mine, all right.
- So Mr Tindle was here then, sir.
967
01:09:40,966 --> 01:09:43,607
- He was.
- And was there an incident
968
01:09:43,727 --> 01:09:47,687
two nights ago, as a result of which
shots were fired?
969
01:09:47,807 --> 01:09:51,407
In a manner of speaking.
It was a game we were playing.
970
01:09:51,567 --> 01:09:54,687
A game, sir? What kind of game?
971
01:09:54,807 --> 01:10:00,407
- It's called "burglary".
- Burglary is not a game, sir.
972
01:10:01,288 --> 01:10:03,409
Isn't it about time you told me,
973
01:10:03,529 --> 01:10:06,289
I don't know
the seriousness of my position?
974
01:10:06,409 --> 01:10:10,850
A man comes here. Shots are heard.
He has disappeared.
975
01:10:10,969 --> 01:10:13,689
Now, what would you make out of that,
if you were me, sir?
976
01:10:13,809 --> 01:10:15,288
An open and shut case,
977
01:10:15,408 --> 01:10:17,409
but things are not always
what they seem, Inspector.
978
01:10:17,529 --> 01:10:18,809
Why, in
The Mystery of the Grand Dummy,
979
01:10:18,929 --> 01:10:23,608
- your favourite, Lord Merridew...
- I am waiting for an explanation, sir.
980
01:10:24,849 --> 01:10:29,009
Well, Tindle arrived about 6:30
and left about an hour and a half later.
981
01:10:29,129 --> 01:10:32,808
- I have not seen him since.
- And nor has any one else, sir.
982
01:10:32,968 --> 01:10:37,208
But this is absurd.
You're not suggesting I killed Tindle?
983
01:10:37,328 --> 01:10:40,849
Killed Tindle, sir?
I never mentioned the word "kill".
984
01:10:40,969 --> 01:10:44,569
Come now, Inspector.
You can't pull that old one on me.
985
01:10:44,689 --> 01:10:49,330
"Garrotted, sir. May I ask how you knew
her ladyship had been garrotted?"
986
01:10:49,449 --> 01:10:51,130
"Surely, you told me so, Inspector. "
987
01:10:51,250 --> 01:10:54,850
"No, sir.
I never mentioned the word garrotted. "
988
01:10:55,130 --> 01:11:00,250
I am sorry you find us so comic, sir.
On the whole, what we do is necessary.
989
01:11:00,370 --> 01:11:03,170
You're just doing your job
is the overworked phrase, isn't it?
990
01:11:03,290 --> 01:11:07,890
Possibly, sir. Very possibly.
The overworked phrase that is, yeah.
991
01:11:08,010 --> 01:11:11,769
Your wife and Mr Tindle
have been associating closely
992
01:11:11,889 --> 01:11:14,610
- for some time, sir.
- I thought you'd know about that.
993
01:11:14,730 --> 01:11:17,730
You can't keep anything quiet
in a small village.
994
01:11:17,891 --> 01:11:19,611
Perfectly true, sir.
995
01:11:19,731 --> 01:11:21,970
You're not suggesting
a crime passionnel?
996
01:11:22,090 --> 01:11:24,371
I do hope. Not with Marguerite.
Oh, God.
997
01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:26,491
That'd be like knifing somebody
for the sake
998
01:11:26,611 --> 01:11:29,490
of a tablespoon full of cold rice pudding.
999
01:11:29,651 --> 01:11:33,011
I'm very partiaI to rice pudding, sir.
1000
01:11:33,131 --> 01:11:36,811
- I find it a great standby.
- That's perfect.
1001
01:11:36,931 --> 01:11:39,811
"All of you had either the means,
motive or opportunity,"
1002
01:11:39,931 --> 01:11:42,250
said Inspector Doppler,
as he thoughtfully digested
1003
01:11:42,370 --> 01:11:47,730
another spoonfuI of his favourite pud.
"But only one of you had all three. "
1004
01:11:47,850 --> 01:11:52,450
Exactly so, sir, and that person is you.
1005
01:11:55,090 --> 01:11:57,091
I suppose
I better tell you what happened.
1006
01:11:57,211 --> 01:11:58,571
That would be helpfuI, sir.
1007
01:11:58,691 --> 01:12:00,771
Perhaps another drink
would be helpfuI, too.
1008
01:12:00,891 --> 01:12:05,132
I'd love another drink, sir, but I think
you'll find that the bottle is empty.
1009
01:12:05,251 --> 01:12:07,532
Quite right, Inspector.
That, too, can be corrected.
1010
01:12:07,652 --> 01:12:09,691
Do come with me, won't you?
1011
01:12:09,811 --> 01:12:11,492
Now, as you seem to know,
1012
01:12:11,612 --> 01:12:13,811
Tindle was having an affair
with my wife.
1013
01:12:13,931 --> 01:12:15,771
Now, I belong to that rare breed of men
1014
01:12:15,891 --> 01:12:18,010
who genuinely don't mind
losing gracefully
1015
01:12:18,131 --> 01:12:20,411
to a gentleman who plays the game
by the same rules.
1016
01:12:20,531 --> 01:12:24,211
But to be worsted by a flash,
crypto-Italian lover boy,
1017
01:12:24,331 --> 01:12:29,130
who mistakes my indifference
for inadequacy is altogether too much!
1018
01:12:29,331 --> 01:12:32,411
You mean you couldn't bring yourself
to accept the situation, sir?
1019
01:12:32,532 --> 01:12:33,492
Is that what you're saying?
1020
01:12:33,652 --> 01:12:37,892
I mean, it was a situation I refused
to accept, Inspector.
1021
01:12:41,092 --> 01:12:44,812
Playing the game is very
important to you, is it, sir?
1022
01:12:44,932 --> 01:12:47,812
Playing the game
and games playing, yes, Inspector.
1023
01:12:48,052 --> 01:12:49,971
I'm not quite sure
I see the difference, sir.
1024
01:12:50,092 --> 01:12:52,331
It's perfectly simple, Inspector.
1025
01:12:52,451 --> 01:12:54,972
Playing the game
is what every gentleman does.
1026
01:12:55,092 --> 01:12:58,172
Playing of particular games
is my speciaI passion.
1027
01:12:58,292 --> 01:13:02,132
In a way, my whole life.
1028
01:13:07,733 --> 01:13:10,214
That sounds a bit sad to me, sir.
1029
01:13:10,334 --> 01:13:11,693
Like a child not growing up.
1030
01:13:11,813 --> 01:13:14,932
What's so sad
about a child playing, Inspector?
1031
01:13:15,333 --> 01:13:18,413
Nothing, sir, if you're a child.
1032
01:13:19,813 --> 01:13:20,973
Let me tell you, Inspector,
1033
01:13:21,094 --> 01:13:24,412
I have played games of such complexity
that Jung and Einstein
1034
01:13:24,532 --> 01:13:27,692
would've been proud to have been
asked to participate in them.
1035
01:13:27,813 --> 01:13:31,733
I have achieved flights of the mind
and flights of the psyche
1036
01:13:31,853 --> 01:13:34,332
unknown in ordinary
human relationships.
1037
01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:39,773
And I've had a very great deaI
of not altogether innocent fun.
1038
01:13:44,453 --> 01:13:47,133
Is there nothing
you would not consider a game, sir?
1039
01:13:47,253 --> 01:13:49,773
Duty, work, even marriage?
1040
01:13:50,014 --> 01:13:52,374
Please, Inspector.
Don't include marriage.
1041
01:13:52,494 --> 01:13:57,014
Sex! Sex is the game.
Marriage, the penalty.
1042
01:13:58,254 --> 01:14:01,694
Round and round,
we jog towards each futile anniversary.
1043
01:14:01,814 --> 01:14:04,933
Pass go. Collect two hundred rows,
1044
01:14:05,053 --> 01:14:08,173
two hundred silences,
two hundred scars.
1045
01:14:08,293 --> 01:14:09,654
In the deep places.
1046
01:14:09,774 --> 01:14:13,773
Are you saying, sir, that because
of your indifference to your wife,
1047
01:14:13,894 --> 01:14:16,534
you had no motive
for murdering Mr Tindle?
1048
01:14:16,654 --> 01:14:19,294
I'm simply saying, Inspector,
that in common with most men,
1049
01:14:19,414 --> 01:14:22,575
I want to have my cookie and ignore it.
1050
01:14:22,816 --> 01:14:25,175
That was rather witty, I thought.
1051
01:14:26,455 --> 01:14:28,535
And what have we here, sir?
1052
01:14:28,856 --> 01:14:31,214
It's just an old dressing up basket.
That's all.
1053
01:14:31,375 --> 01:14:36,734
A traditionaI place of concealment,
I'm sure you'll agree.
1054
01:14:37,414 --> 01:14:40,134
Only of the identity, Inspector.
1055
01:14:41,575 --> 01:14:43,655
In a game.
1056
01:14:43,775 --> 01:14:45,415
Shall we go?
1057
01:14:48,055 --> 01:14:50,534
- Shall we go?
- Yes, sir.
1058
01:14:50,655 --> 01:14:52,175
Coming.
1059
01:14:56,895 --> 01:15:00,415
Anyway, I thought I'd teach
young master Tindle a lesson
1060
01:15:00,536 --> 01:15:03,175
for his presumption.
Test his mettle, as it were.
1061
01:15:03,295 --> 01:15:05,456
You may not agree with this, Inspector,
but you take it from me.
1062
01:15:05,576 --> 01:15:08,295
The shortest way to a man's heart
is through humiliation.
1063
01:15:08,415 --> 01:15:11,616
You soon find out what he's made of.
1064
01:15:11,736 --> 01:15:15,135
And how did you plan
to go about this humiliation, sir?
1065
01:15:15,255 --> 01:15:19,215
To begin with, by convincing him that
as my wife has expensive tastes,
1066
01:15:19,335 --> 01:15:20,896
and he was virtually a pauper,
1067
01:15:21,016 --> 01:15:25,577
he could solve that problem
by stealing some valuable jewellery,
1068
01:15:25,697 --> 01:15:28,457
which I had in my safe.
1069
01:15:32,017 --> 01:15:35,778
I further persuaded him to take off
his clothes and wear a disguise.
1070
01:15:35,898 --> 01:15:37,457
Appropriately enough, he chose,
1071
01:15:37,578 --> 01:15:40,018
out of that basket you examined,
the costume of a clown.
1072
01:15:40,138 --> 01:15:44,777
In that ludicrous outfit, he broke
into the house and blew open my safe.
1073
01:15:46,497 --> 01:15:49,137
The jewels were in this box.
1074
01:15:54,418 --> 01:15:56,817
Good thinking, Inspector.
1075
01:16:01,658 --> 01:16:04,097
- Bravo.
- And where are they now, sir?
1076
01:16:04,217 --> 01:16:06,257
I put them in the bank, yesterday.
1077
01:16:06,378 --> 01:16:08,658
- On a Saturday?
- Yes, Inspector, on a Saturday.
1078
01:16:08,778 --> 01:16:11,178
I drove over to Salisbury
and I put them in the night safe.
1079
01:16:11,298 --> 01:16:13,458
How very provident, sir.
1080
01:16:13,577 --> 01:16:16,817
May I ask what you did
after he blew the safe open?
1081
01:16:16,938 --> 01:16:18,577
Tindle pocketed the jewels.
1082
01:16:18,697 --> 01:16:21,537
We struggled convincingly
around the house as part of the game,
1083
01:16:21,657 --> 01:16:24,818
and he was about to make off,
when I turned nasty and revealed
1084
01:16:24,938 --> 01:16:26,498
the true purpose of the evening.
1085
01:16:26,618 --> 01:16:28,579
This was, of course,
that I had manoeuvred him
1086
01:16:28,699 --> 01:16:31,658
into a position where, by pretending
to mistake him for a burglar,
1087
01:16:31,778 --> 01:16:34,900
I could legitimately shoot him.
1088
01:16:35,020 --> 01:16:39,339
When you revealed your intentions, sir,
1089
01:16:39,459 --> 01:16:41,579
what was Mr Tindle's reaction?
1090
01:16:41,699 --> 01:16:42,899
Electrifying!
1091
01:16:43,019 --> 01:16:44,859
He swallowed my story,
hook, line and sinker.
1092
01:16:44,979 --> 01:16:47,340
He fell to his knees
and pleaded for his life,
1093
01:16:47,460 --> 01:16:50,418
but I was implacable.
I put the gun against his head
1094
01:16:50,539 --> 01:16:53,058
and shot him
1095
01:16:53,259 --> 01:16:55,899
with a blank cartridge.
1096
01:16:59,019 --> 01:17:02,340
You shot Mr Tindle
with a blank cartridge, sir?
1097
01:17:02,459 --> 01:17:04,298
Fainted, dead away.
1098
01:17:04,418 --> 01:17:06,219
So my game was over.
1099
01:17:06,419 --> 01:17:09,179
It was a most gratifying one.
1100
01:17:09,379 --> 01:17:14,539
You actually put a gun to his head
and pulled the trigger
1101
01:17:14,659 --> 01:17:16,939
as a game?
1102
01:17:17,140 --> 01:17:20,099
Call it his initiation test, if you like.
1103
01:17:20,300 --> 01:17:22,459
He came here aping the gentry,
1104
01:17:22,579 --> 01:17:24,419
hoping for acceptance,
but he had to be taught.
1105
01:17:24,539 --> 01:17:27,738
You don't join just like that.
1106
01:17:27,859 --> 01:17:32,819
There's such a thing as breeding!
The quality that breeding brings.
1107
01:17:32,938 --> 01:17:35,018
It cannot be acquired.
1108
01:17:35,138 --> 01:17:37,139
Of course, he failed his test abysmally.
1109
01:17:37,259 --> 01:17:39,380
He may well have done, sir,
1110
01:17:39,500 --> 01:17:43,421
but he also must have been put
in fear of his life.
1111
01:17:44,661 --> 01:17:48,822
Such irresponsible action
warrants a serious charge of assault.
1112
01:17:49,461 --> 01:17:51,702
I suppose that's marginally better
than the charge of murder
1113
01:17:51,821 --> 01:17:54,021
you were contemplating
a few minutes ago.
1114
01:17:54,181 --> 01:17:55,741
I still am contemplating it, sir.
1115
01:17:55,861 --> 01:17:57,941
Come now, Inspector,
I told you what happened.
1116
01:17:58,061 --> 01:17:59,661
After a few minutes,
he came to his senses,
1117
01:17:59,781 --> 01:18:02,020
realised shrewdly
that he wasn't dead after all,
1118
01:18:02,141 --> 01:18:05,780
and after only a few too many brandies,
lurched off home.
1119
01:18:05,981 --> 01:18:09,500
I'm sorry you appear
to find this all quite so funny, Mr Wyke.
1120
01:18:10,781 --> 01:18:13,661
We may not take
quite the same attitude.
1121
01:18:14,621 --> 01:18:16,381
Now, look here.
1122
01:18:17,660 --> 01:18:19,500
Why can't you see this
from my point of view?
1123
01:18:19,620 --> 01:18:22,862
In a sense, Tindle was a burglar.
He was stealing my wife, wasn't he?
1124
01:18:22,982 --> 01:18:25,381
Which justified your torturing
and then murdering him, sir?
1125
01:18:25,501 --> 01:18:27,700
Of course not. Don't you see?
It was a game.
1126
01:18:27,820 --> 01:18:30,542
- Just a bloody game.
- Bloody indeed, sir.
1127
01:18:30,662 --> 01:18:33,100
I achieved what I set out to do,
and that was all.
1128
01:18:33,220 --> 01:18:34,501
You may well
have achieved murder, sir.
1129
01:18:34,620 --> 01:18:36,340
- No.
- I believe so, sir.
1130
01:18:36,540 --> 01:18:39,100
No, I told you everything that happened.
1131
01:18:39,220 --> 01:18:41,020
Would you mind
if I had a look around, sir?
1132
01:18:41,140 --> 01:18:43,060
CrawI about on all fours, if you like.
1133
01:18:43,180 --> 01:18:45,661
Get out your envelope
and imprison hairs.
1134
01:18:45,780 --> 01:18:48,901
Gather ye blunt instruments
while ye may.
1135
01:18:54,422 --> 01:18:58,663
Now, I ask myself,
if I wanted to conceaI Tindle's body,
1136
01:18:58,783 --> 01:19:01,862
where would I put it?
1137
01:19:01,982 --> 01:19:06,143
In my good friend,
Jolly Jack Tar the Sailor.
1138
01:19:24,782 --> 01:19:27,342
Very amusing, sir.
1139
01:19:27,463 --> 01:19:29,182
May I ask how you did that?
1140
01:19:29,302 --> 01:19:32,022
No.
Jolly Jack and I have our little secret.
1141
01:19:32,222 --> 01:19:36,503
Then may I ask
how you made those holes in the wall?
1142
01:19:36,623 --> 01:19:38,463
That one over there.
1143
01:19:38,583 --> 01:19:40,863
And this one over here.
1144
01:19:43,022 --> 01:19:46,943
- They look like bullet holes to me, sir.
- Quite right, Inspector.
1145
01:19:47,062 --> 01:19:48,142
So they are.
1146
01:19:48,262 --> 01:19:52,102
I understood you, sir,
say that you used a blank.
1147
01:19:52,342 --> 01:19:56,142
Two live bullets to set up the trick
and one blank to complete it.
1148
01:19:56,262 --> 01:19:58,183
I had to persuade Tindle
I was in earnest.
1149
01:19:58,342 --> 01:19:59,743
I see, sir.
1150
01:19:59,903 --> 01:20:01,263
One blank.
1151
01:20:01,424 --> 01:20:03,023
Then would you
just show me please, sir,
1152
01:20:03,143 --> 01:20:05,944
where Mr Tindle was
when you killed him?
1153
01:20:07,343 --> 01:20:10,504
- Pretended to kill him, you mean.
- Quite so.
1154
01:20:10,704 --> 01:20:14,505
Then would you show me exactly
where he was when the bullet hit him?
1155
01:20:14,625 --> 01:20:17,944
I keep telling you,
it was not a reaI bullet.
1156
01:20:18,143 --> 01:20:20,744
So you do, sir. So you do.
1157
01:20:20,984 --> 01:20:26,024
Very well, then. Where was he
when the blank cartridge was fired?
1158
01:20:26,183 --> 01:20:28,625
He was standing,
or I should say kneeling,
1159
01:20:28,745 --> 01:20:32,065
or, more accurately, cowering here.
1160
01:20:38,105 --> 01:20:40,065
About here you say, sir?
1161
01:20:40,185 --> 01:20:42,265
Two steps down.
1162
01:20:44,345 --> 01:20:45,385
That's it.
1163
01:20:45,506 --> 01:20:48,145
Were you close to Mr Tindle
when you fired the gun?
1164
01:20:48,264 --> 01:20:51,585
Very. I was standing over him, in fact,
with the gun against his head.
1165
01:20:51,705 --> 01:20:53,945
You see,
it was the actuaI feeI of the gun,
1166
01:20:54,064 --> 01:20:57,825
coupled with the noise
of the explosion that did the trick.
1167
01:21:11,065 --> 01:21:14,386
The traditionaI tooI
of your trade, Inspector?
1168
01:21:54,547 --> 01:21:56,587
Joke blood, sir?
1169
01:21:59,667 --> 01:22:01,866
I don't think I quite follow, Inspector.
1170
01:22:01,986 --> 01:22:05,026
Here. On the banisters,
1171
01:22:05,146 --> 01:22:07,787
and underneath the carpet.
1172
01:22:12,386 --> 01:22:15,866
- It's dry blood, sir.
- Blood?
1173
01:22:15,986 --> 01:22:17,707
Where?
1174
01:22:24,228 --> 01:22:26,469
Don't touch it.
1175
01:22:26,588 --> 01:22:28,708
That's dried blood, all right.
1176
01:22:28,827 --> 01:22:30,668
Some more, over here.
1177
01:22:30,788 --> 01:22:33,388
Someone's been rubbing the carpet,
you see that?
1178
01:22:33,508 --> 01:22:34,788
Deep in the pile.
1179
01:22:35,427 --> 01:22:37,308
That's blood, sir.
1180
01:22:39,627 --> 01:22:41,548
It's still damp.
1181
01:22:42,748 --> 01:22:45,708
Will you explain to me
how that got there?
1182
01:22:45,828 --> 01:22:47,788
I have no idea.
1183
01:22:47,908 --> 01:22:51,308
Tindle wasn't wounded
or hurt in any way.
1184
01:22:51,429 --> 01:22:53,429
You must believe me.
1185
01:22:55,229 --> 01:22:59,428
With reaI bullets and reaI blood?
1186
01:22:59,548 --> 01:23:04,069
Isn't it about time
we stopped talking about games, sir?
1187
01:23:04,189 --> 01:23:06,229
Look! Look at the window.
1188
01:23:06,349 --> 01:23:09,868
There, you can see the pane of glass
he cut out in order to break in.
1189
01:23:09,987 --> 01:23:12,868
And down there, the imprint
of the ladder in the flower bed
1190
01:23:12,987 --> 01:23:16,669
and the size 28 boots, or whatever
the hell it was he was wearing.
1191
01:23:16,788 --> 01:23:17,948
Look, I can show you.
1192
01:23:18,068 --> 01:23:20,788
Over the years my eyes
have been adequately trained
1193
01:23:20,908 --> 01:23:23,308
- to see things for themselves, sir.
- I'm sure they have, Inspector.
1194
01:23:23,428 --> 01:23:27,109
I'm just trying to point out a few facts
to substantiate my story.
1195
01:23:27,230 --> 01:23:30,669
Like the blown safe
I showed you in the study
1196
01:23:30,790 --> 01:23:33,950
and like the dressing up basket
you found in the cellar.
1197
01:23:34,070 --> 01:23:38,550
You say that Mr Tindle
disguised himself as a clown.
1198
01:23:38,670 --> 01:23:42,230
I saw no such costume in that basket,
1199
01:23:42,350 --> 01:23:45,789
nor have you pointed out
that mound of earth in the garden,
1200
01:23:45,909 --> 01:23:49,309
- have you, sir?
- Mound of earth?
1201
01:23:51,509 --> 01:23:53,549
What mound of earth?
1202
01:23:53,669 --> 01:23:56,669
That one over by the far wall.
1203
01:23:56,789 --> 01:23:58,990
In the shade of that cedar tree.
1204
01:23:59,110 --> 01:24:03,110
- I can't see anything.
- Well, it's there, all right.
1205
01:24:03,230 --> 01:24:06,710
I saw it before I rang your bell.
1206
01:24:06,830 --> 01:24:09,951
I think we'd better go
and have a look at it.
1207
01:24:21,350 --> 01:24:23,270
Together, sir.
1208
01:24:43,511 --> 01:24:44,750
Here we are, sir.
1209
01:24:44,871 --> 01:24:49,431
Now, would you say
that had been freshly dug, sir?
1210
01:24:49,551 --> 01:24:50,551
How do I know?
1211
01:24:50,671 --> 01:24:52,951
It's probably something
the gardener's been doing. Ask him.
1212
01:24:53,070 --> 01:24:54,871
You'll find him somewhere,
maundering about,
1213
01:24:54,991 --> 01:24:58,031
aching for an opportunity
to slander his employer. They all do.
1214
01:24:58,151 --> 01:25:00,710
For my part, I've always found
1215
01:25:00,830 --> 01:25:03,471
that gardeners make
excellent witnesses.
1216
01:25:03,590 --> 01:25:06,791
They're slow,
they're methodicaI, and they're positive.
1217
01:25:06,911 --> 01:25:09,871
Inspector, I've had just
about enough of this farce.
1218
01:25:09,991 --> 01:25:14,111
Do you really think I'd be fooI enough
to bury Tindle out here, in the garden,
1219
01:25:14,231 --> 01:25:17,233
leaving all that newly turned earth
for everyone to find?
1220
01:25:17,352 --> 01:25:19,712
If you weren't expecting us, sir, yes.
1221
01:25:19,832 --> 01:25:21,112
In a couple of weeks,
1222
01:25:21,232 --> 01:25:24,072
with a little grass seed, or a few bulbs,
1223
01:25:24,192 --> 01:25:27,631
it'd be very difficult
to tell it had ever been disturbed.
1224
01:25:27,751 --> 01:25:31,071
We in the police force
know just how fond murderers are
1225
01:25:31,191 --> 01:25:33,031
of their back gardens, sir.
1226
01:25:33,152 --> 01:25:35,312
One's as near a murderer's heart
in the garden
1227
01:25:35,432 --> 01:25:37,952
as anywhere else on earth, Inspector?
1228
01:25:38,072 --> 01:25:39,751
Excepting the bedroom, sir.
1229
01:25:39,872 --> 01:25:43,153
I think you'll find that's still the favourite.
1230
01:26:06,194 --> 01:26:09,393
There's no mistaking
whose room this is, sir?
1231
01:26:15,754 --> 01:26:17,753
My wife showers.
1232
01:26:17,873 --> 01:26:19,554
I bathe.
1233
01:26:50,474 --> 01:26:54,475
Clothing all screwed up
on the floor of the wardrobe.
1234
01:26:54,595 --> 01:26:56,796
That's not like you, sir.
1235
01:26:58,435 --> 01:27:02,675
Here's an interesting monogram. I W.
1236
01:27:02,795 --> 01:27:05,555
Or have I got this the wrong way up?
1237
01:27:07,275 --> 01:27:10,355
M T.
1238
01:27:10,475 --> 01:27:12,275
Let me see that.
1239
01:27:16,436 --> 01:27:20,396
Made by Owen and Tancredi
of Percy Street.
1240
01:27:20,556 --> 01:27:24,196
For Mr Milo Tindle. November 12.
1241
01:27:24,995 --> 01:27:26,316
Tell me, sir.
1242
01:27:26,436 --> 01:27:29,915
When Mr Tindle lurched off,
as you put it,
1243
01:27:30,035 --> 01:27:32,795
did he lurch naked?
1244
01:27:32,915 --> 01:27:36,755
And did he subsequently lurch naked
through the streets of the village?
1245
01:27:36,876 --> 01:27:39,556
He changed back
before he left into these clothes.
1246
01:27:39,676 --> 01:27:42,436
Do you still maintain, sir, that Mr Tindle
1247
01:27:42,556 --> 01:27:45,315
changed into the clown's costume
in the cellar?
1248
01:27:45,435 --> 01:27:47,235
- Yes.
- Another part
1249
01:27:47,355 --> 01:27:50,636
of the humiliation process, I suppose.
1250
01:27:50,756 --> 01:27:54,436
Then someone must have
carried his clothing up from the cellar,
1251
01:27:54,557 --> 01:27:55,996
and placed them in this wardrobe.
1252
01:27:56,116 --> 01:27:58,476
- I did.
- Why?
1253
01:27:58,596 --> 01:28:00,637
Because I thought they'd be better off
in a wardrobe
1254
01:28:00,757 --> 01:28:03,917
than a dusty old cellar.
More convenient.
1255
01:28:04,037 --> 01:28:06,837
All screwed up on the floor
of a wardrobe? Why?
1256
01:28:06,957 --> 01:28:09,117
I didn't think it wouldn't be long before
he'd be changing back.
1257
01:28:09,238 --> 01:28:12,957
- It's all so baffling.
- Not at all, sir.
1258
01:28:14,038 --> 01:28:17,038
You threw those clothes
on the floor of the wardrobe
1259
01:28:17,158 --> 01:28:20,957
because you knew that Mr Tindle
would not be needing them again.
1260
01:28:21,077 --> 01:28:23,276
Ever! That's right, sir, isn't it?
1261
01:28:23,396 --> 01:28:27,597
He changed back before he left
and wore them when he went away.
1262
01:28:27,717 --> 01:28:30,077
I think you started this
1263
01:28:30,197 --> 01:28:32,797
exactly as you say you did.
1264
01:28:32,917 --> 01:28:37,796
As a game, in order to play
a diabolicaI trick on Mr Tindle,
1265
01:28:37,917 --> 01:28:39,237
but that it went wrong.
1266
01:28:39,357 --> 01:28:42,797
Your third shot was not a blank
as you had supposed,
1267
01:28:42,917 --> 01:28:45,837
but a live bullet, that killed Mr Tindle
1268
01:28:45,957 --> 01:28:47,837
stone dead!
1269
01:28:47,957 --> 01:28:52,077
Spattering blood
on the banisters in the process.
1270
01:28:52,196 --> 01:28:55,917
Then, when you realised
what you'd done,
1271
01:28:56,037 --> 01:28:57,517
you simply panicked,
1272
01:28:57,637 --> 01:28:59,717
like a thousand murderers before you,
1273
01:28:59,837 --> 01:29:03,237
and buried the corpse in the garden.
1274
01:29:03,357 --> 01:29:04,957
It was very silly of you
1275
01:29:05,077 --> 01:29:07,757
not to clean the blood
properly off the banisters
1276
01:29:07,877 --> 01:29:11,519
- and burn his clothes.
- I swear, Tindle left here alive!
1277
01:29:11,639 --> 01:29:14,039
At the risk of appearing facetious, sir,
1278
01:29:14,159 --> 01:29:16,078
you had better tell that to the judge.
1279
01:29:16,198 --> 01:29:18,039
Look, there's only one way
of dealing with this.
1280
01:29:18,159 --> 01:29:19,518
If you think Tindle's out in the garden,
1281
01:29:19,638 --> 01:29:21,759
for Christ's sake,
why don't you go dig him up?
1282
01:29:21,959 --> 01:29:23,559
We don't need to find him, sir.
1283
01:29:23,679 --> 01:29:26,599
If Mr Tindle is not beneath
that newly turned earth,
1284
01:29:26,718 --> 01:29:29,199
it would merely go to indicate
that in your panic
1285
01:29:29,319 --> 01:29:30,918
you first thought of putting him there,
1286
01:29:31,038 --> 01:29:33,238
changed your mind
and buried him somewhere else.
1287
01:29:33,358 --> 01:29:35,438
- Where?
- That's not important, sir.
1288
01:29:35,558 --> 01:29:37,198
He'll turn up, sooner or later.
1289
01:29:37,318 --> 01:29:40,319
And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters.
1290
01:29:40,439 --> 01:29:43,159
We have your note
summoning Mr Tindle here.
1291
01:29:43,279 --> 01:29:45,998
Shots were heard, bullet holes made.
1292
01:29:46,118 --> 01:29:48,439
Blood is on the banisters
and the carpet.
1293
01:29:48,559 --> 01:29:50,279
His clothes
were hidden in your wardrobe,
1294
01:29:50,398 --> 01:29:53,200
and he had disappeared.
1295
01:29:53,319 --> 01:29:55,319
Who needs a body?
1296
01:29:56,439 --> 01:29:57,758
Sir.
1297
01:29:59,159 --> 01:30:00,480
Come along, then.
1298
01:30:00,600 --> 01:30:03,278
- It's time to go, sir.
- No. I can't believe it...
1299
01:30:03,398 --> 01:30:06,998
I'm afraid, sir, that I must insist.
1300
01:30:07,118 --> 01:30:08,638
There is a police car
at the end of the driveway.
1301
01:30:08,758 --> 01:30:11,279
I don't care if there's
a fleet of police cars,
1302
01:30:11,399 --> 01:30:13,598
I'm not bloody well going!
1303
01:30:26,121 --> 01:30:28,120
Now, let's have no...
1304
01:30:28,240 --> 01:30:30,921
- Please, don't make it difficult.
- Christ, you're hurting my arm!
1305
01:30:31,041 --> 01:30:34,201
Really, you give me no alternative, sir.
If you'll just cooperate.
1306
01:30:34,321 --> 01:30:36,360
Let me get my lawyer. It's my right!
1307
01:30:36,480 --> 01:30:38,721
We can make a call
from the police station.
1308
01:30:38,841 --> 01:30:42,360
We wouldn't want
to do anything unconstitutionaI.
1309
01:30:42,480 --> 01:30:45,441
Come now, sir. Don't despair.
1310
01:30:45,560 --> 01:30:48,840
You may get off
with as little as seven years.
1311
01:30:48,960 --> 01:30:50,559
Seven years!
1312
01:30:50,680 --> 01:30:54,760
Seven years to regret
the playing of silly games
1313
01:30:54,880 --> 01:30:57,440
- that go wrong.
- Spare me the sermon if you don't mind!
1314
01:30:57,560 --> 01:31:00,001
It didn't go wrong,
it all went bloody well right.
1315
01:31:00,121 --> 01:31:01,921
You think so, do you, sir?
1316
01:31:03,721 --> 01:31:06,880
We reaI life policemen are not as stupid
1317
01:31:07,001 --> 01:31:11,600
as we are sometimes portrayed
by writers like yourself.
1318
01:31:11,720 --> 01:31:13,720
We may not have our monocles,
1319
01:31:13,840 --> 01:31:19,321
or our orchid houses, our deer stalkers
or our shoveI hats,
1320
01:31:19,521 --> 01:31:23,761
but we are reasonably effective,
for all that, sir.
1321
01:31:23,882 --> 01:31:27,322
You seem to know a hell of a lot
about detective stories, Inspector.
1322
01:31:27,443 --> 01:31:31,283
Yes, I have read quite a few
in my time, sir.
1323
01:31:31,602 --> 01:31:37,123
And in recent years, I have come
to believe that the detective story
1324
01:31:37,243 --> 01:31:40,163
is the normaI recreation
of noble minds, sir.
1325
01:31:40,283 --> 01:31:43,084
Who or what the hell are you?
1326
01:31:48,242 --> 01:31:53,002
Detective Inspector Doppler, sir.
1327
01:31:55,843 --> 01:31:59,562
It is spelt like "doppel",
1328
01:31:59,683 --> 01:32:05,164
which, as I'm sure you know,
means "double",
1329
01:32:06,723 --> 01:32:08,083
in German.
1330
01:32:09,644 --> 01:32:14,723
And for those whose minds
run to these things,
1331
01:32:16,483 --> 01:32:20,002
it is virtually an anagram
1332
01:32:20,803 --> 01:32:22,202
of the word
1333
01:32:22,723 --> 01:32:24,002
"plodder".
1334
01:32:25,842 --> 01:32:28,123
So
1335
01:32:28,243 --> 01:32:30,683
Inspector Plodder
1336
01:32:31,683 --> 01:32:33,323
becomes
1337
01:32:33,442 --> 01:32:36,164
Inspector Doppler,
1338
01:32:39,044 --> 01:32:41,963
if you see what I mean,
1339
01:32:46,564 --> 01:32:47,564
sir.
1340
01:32:52,725 --> 01:32:54,044
Milo!
1341
01:32:54,925 --> 01:32:56,245
The same.
1342
01:32:57,164 --> 01:32:58,844
You shit.
1343
01:33:04,524 --> 01:33:09,644
You all-time, knock-down,
champion bastard, Milo.
1344
01:33:10,565 --> 01:33:12,124
You're too kind.
1345
01:33:20,205 --> 01:33:23,605
I'm not saying it wasn't well done,
it was extremely.
1346
01:33:23,725 --> 01:33:27,165
Yes, well, the thing was brilliant.
1347
01:33:27,324 --> 01:33:30,643
Incidentally, you forgot
to take out your left eye.
1348
01:33:34,684 --> 01:33:36,605
Now he knows I'm funny.
1349
01:33:36,925 --> 01:33:38,844
Do have a drink, Milo.
1350
01:33:39,484 --> 01:33:41,084
I'm sorry. Do help yourself.
1351
01:33:41,204 --> 01:33:44,285
I'll have a wash first.
I'm covered in makeup and spirit gum.
1352
01:33:44,405 --> 01:33:48,406
- Of course, use the kitchen.
- No, I prefer the master bathroom.
1353
01:33:58,245 --> 01:34:00,647
Your very good health, sir.
1354
01:34:20,127 --> 01:34:24,007
I must say,
I must congratulate you, Milo.
1355
01:34:24,126 --> 01:34:25,847
It was first class.
1356
01:34:26,647 --> 01:34:29,847
You sure had me going there
for a while.
1357
01:34:29,967 --> 01:34:31,327
For a while?
1358
01:34:36,205 --> 01:34:38,927
Well, it was quite a while, I concede.
1359
01:34:39,047 --> 01:34:41,446
But I got a bit suspicious
towards the end, you know?
1360
01:34:41,566 --> 01:34:44,806
You did go on a bit, I thought.
1361
01:34:57,288 --> 01:34:59,967
What did you think of my performance?
1362
01:35:00,168 --> 01:35:04,248
The anguish of the innocent man
trapped by circumstantiaI evidence.
1363
01:35:04,528 --> 01:35:07,527
- It wasn't a performance.
- Of course it was.
1364
01:35:07,647 --> 01:35:09,568
I had to be convincing.
1365
01:35:09,688 --> 01:35:11,647
Apparently I succeeded.
1366
01:35:12,207 --> 01:35:15,607
You just don't know how to lose at all,
do you, Andrew?
1367
01:35:16,047 --> 01:35:18,687
All that crap you gave old Doppler
1368
01:35:18,807 --> 01:35:20,927
about the gentry losing gracefully.
1369
01:35:21,048 --> 01:35:22,767
Jesus!
1370
01:35:22,887 --> 01:35:26,928
I told you, you did well.
It was really good.
1371
01:35:27,209 --> 01:35:29,528
I loved your Inspector Doppler.
1372
01:35:29,648 --> 01:35:33,688
I'm glad you view the trifling
masquerade in that light, sir.
1373
01:35:33,808 --> 01:35:36,168
Your makeup was damned good.
First class.
1374
01:35:36,288 --> 01:35:40,528
- You didn't do that yourself, did you?
- I am a hair dresser, don't forget.
1375
01:35:40,728 --> 01:35:44,009
I do have friends in the arts.
1376
01:35:46,128 --> 01:35:49,447
I suppose you sneaked...
Slipped in here yesterday
1377
01:35:49,568 --> 01:35:51,847
- while I was in Salisbury.
- Yes.
1378
01:35:51,967 --> 01:35:54,608
Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe
1379
01:35:54,728 --> 01:35:58,688
and sprinkled a little sacrificiaI
blood onto the banisters.
1380
01:35:58,808 --> 01:36:02,569
It wasn't my blood,
I know you'll be relieved to hear.
1381
01:36:02,769 --> 01:36:04,969
I got it from a pig's liver.
1382
01:36:05,369 --> 01:36:08,289
Thought you could've used
almost any dago wine.
1383
01:36:08,409 --> 01:36:09,889
I'll have that drink now.
1384
01:36:10,010 --> 01:36:11,609
- Of course.
- Gin and tonic, I think.
1385
01:36:11,729 --> 01:36:14,649
Well, you richly deserve it,
my dear fellow. Come along.
1386
01:36:18,010 --> 01:36:22,968
You know, I haven't congratulated you
yet on your game.
1387
01:36:24,129 --> 01:36:27,249
- It was jolly good.
- You really think so? Good.
1388
01:36:27,368 --> 01:36:29,569
Must say I was rather
delighted with it myself.
1389
01:36:29,689 --> 01:36:31,008
I say,
1390
01:36:31,129 --> 01:36:35,009
did you really think
your last moment on earth had come?
1391
01:36:35,330 --> 01:36:36,450
Yes.
1392
01:36:36,930 --> 01:36:38,969
You're not cross, are you?
1393
01:36:40,290 --> 01:36:41,411
Cross?
1394
01:36:41,570 --> 01:36:43,331
I don't understand.
1395
01:36:43,451 --> 01:36:45,330
That's one of your words.
1396
01:36:45,570 --> 01:36:49,250
Look, as I explained to you
when you were playing Doppler,
1397
01:36:49,371 --> 01:36:52,891
I had to test your mettle to see if,
as I suspected,
1398
01:36:53,011 --> 01:36:55,491
you really were my sort of person.
1399
01:36:56,331 --> 01:36:59,251
- The games playing sort of person?
- Exactly.
1400
01:37:00,251 --> 01:37:03,171
- And am I?
- There's no question about it.
1401
01:37:03,611 --> 01:37:07,131
Compare your experience
this weekend, my dear Milo,
1402
01:37:07,251 --> 01:37:09,050
with any other moments in your life.
1403
01:37:09,170 --> 01:37:10,972
Now if you're honest with yourself,
you'll have to admit
1404
01:37:11,092 --> 01:37:14,932
that you lived more intensely
in my company than in anybody else's,
1405
01:37:15,052 --> 01:37:17,052
not even with Marguerite.
1406
01:37:17,172 --> 01:37:20,492
Now, we know what it is to play a game,
1407
01:37:21,172 --> 01:37:22,532
you and I.
1408
01:37:23,052 --> 01:37:24,572
That's so rare.
1409
01:37:25,012 --> 01:37:28,291
Two people brought together,
equally matched,
1410
01:37:28,771 --> 01:37:31,971
having the courage and the talents
1411
01:37:32,091 --> 01:37:34,731
to make of life a continuing charade
1412
01:37:34,851 --> 01:37:38,811
of bright fancies, happy invention.
1413
01:37:39,251 --> 01:37:42,052
To face out its emptiness
1414
01:37:43,051 --> 01:37:47,331
and its terrors by playing.
1415
01:37:47,892 --> 01:37:50,851
By just playing.
1416
01:37:52,172 --> 01:37:53,452
Haven't you forgotten
1417
01:37:53,573 --> 01:37:56,572
the jumped-up pantry boy
who doesn't know his place?
1418
01:37:57,852 --> 01:38:00,813
We are from different worlds,
you and me, Andrew.
1419
01:38:00,974 --> 01:38:02,092
In mine,
1420
01:38:02,213 --> 01:38:06,132
there was no time for bright fancies
and happy inventions.
1421
01:38:06,611 --> 01:38:08,332
No stopping for tea.
1422
01:38:09,532 --> 01:38:12,811
The only game we played
was to survive.
1423
01:38:13,452 --> 01:38:15,012
Or go to the wall.
1424
01:38:15,613 --> 01:38:18,012
If you didn't win, you just didn't finish.
1425
01:38:18,132 --> 01:38:19,774
Loser, lose all.
1426
01:38:23,373 --> 01:38:25,173
You probably don't understand that.
1427
01:38:25,293 --> 01:38:28,373
Understand or not,
nothing you've said disproves my point.
1428
01:38:28,493 --> 01:38:30,213
Look at the way
you chose to get back at me
1429
01:38:30,334 --> 01:38:32,573
by playing Inspector Doppler.
1430
01:38:33,214 --> 01:38:34,694
Simple revenge.
1431
01:38:35,214 --> 01:38:36,972
Paying back in kind.
1432
01:38:38,893 --> 01:38:40,213
Every wop knows about that.
1433
01:38:40,333 --> 01:38:44,092
Well, is honour satisfied?
Score even? One set all?
1434
01:38:44,212 --> 01:38:45,253
Honour?
1435
01:38:48,293 --> 01:38:50,932
That's another one of your words.
1436
01:38:51,453 --> 01:38:53,693
I know
1437
01:38:53,813 --> 01:38:57,974
that you stripped me more than naked.
1438
01:38:58,094 --> 01:39:03,853
I know
that you actually terrified me to death.
1439
01:39:05,453 --> 01:39:08,454
I stood on those stairs, looking down,
1440
01:39:08,574 --> 01:39:12,213
and realising
that my coat sleeve button,
1441
01:39:12,332 --> 01:39:13,814
the banister,
1442
01:39:14,293 --> 01:39:17,174
the naiI on my fourth finger
1443
01:39:17,495 --> 01:39:22,534
were absolutely the last things
I was gonna see. Ever.
1444
01:39:24,095 --> 01:39:28,294
Then, I heard the sound
1445
01:39:28,414 --> 01:39:30,055
of my own death.
1446
01:39:30,415 --> 01:39:32,615
Now, that changes you, Andrew.
1447
01:39:32,736 --> 01:39:34,135
Believe me.
1448
01:39:34,255 --> 01:39:36,335
And I still owe you for that.
1449
01:39:36,455 --> 01:39:38,135
It'll pass, it's shock, my dear fellow.
1450
01:39:38,255 --> 01:39:40,695
- Here, let me give you another...
- I don't want
1451
01:39:40,815 --> 01:39:42,215
an even score.
1452
01:39:42,336 --> 01:39:44,375
And don't you give me any of that
"one set all",
1453
01:39:44,495 --> 01:39:47,055
or "The game's the thing,
it's enough to take part" crap.
1454
01:39:49,294 --> 01:39:51,335
My father just took part,
1455
01:39:51,655 --> 01:39:53,135
and his father,
1456
01:39:53,415 --> 01:39:54,855
and his father.
1457
01:39:54,975 --> 01:39:58,615
Losers! As far back as you can go.
1458
01:39:59,814 --> 01:40:01,694
Well, it stops with me!
1459
01:40:02,135 --> 01:40:04,615
With me, the Tindles start winning!
1460
01:40:06,255 --> 01:40:08,695
And others start losing.
1461
01:40:12,815 --> 01:40:14,894
You, for example.
1462
01:40:15,975 --> 01:40:16,975
Me?
1463
01:40:17,976 --> 01:40:19,815
- Lose what?
- A new game.
1464
01:40:20,335 --> 01:40:23,694
My kind. My rules, played my way.
1465
01:40:24,374 --> 01:40:25,815
And to start it,
1466
01:40:26,095 --> 01:40:28,015
I have killed someone.
1467
01:40:28,734 --> 01:40:30,216
You've killed someone.
1468
01:40:30,575 --> 01:40:32,736
Murdered someone. Committed murder.
1469
01:40:32,856 --> 01:40:34,535
You're not serious?
1470
01:40:35,496 --> 01:40:36,656
Deadly.
1471
01:40:37,257 --> 01:40:38,937
It's a reaI game
1472
01:40:39,137 --> 01:40:40,778
and a reaI murder.
1473
01:40:41,377 --> 01:40:46,016
There's absolutely no point in playing
another pretend game, isn't that right?
1474
01:40:46,136 --> 01:40:49,497
- Absolutely not.
- We're past pretending now.
1475
01:40:50,297 --> 01:40:52,497
We'll leave that to the amateurs.
1476
01:40:52,617 --> 01:40:54,377
The gentlemen players, like you.
1477
01:40:54,656 --> 01:40:56,975
Look, Milo. I think perhaps another time.
1478
01:40:57,096 --> 01:41:00,815
- It can't wait!
- All right, all right.
1479
01:41:00,936 --> 01:41:02,736
We'll play your game.
1480
01:41:03,016 --> 01:41:04,816
Now whom did you kill?
1481
01:41:05,737 --> 01:41:07,857
Whom? Whom?
1482
01:41:08,897 --> 01:41:14,897
Who, besides yourself, is the closest
to being someone you care about?
1483
01:41:15,097 --> 01:41:17,897
Would it be your girlfriend, Tea?
1484
01:41:19,297 --> 01:41:20,616
Possibly.
1485
01:41:21,536 --> 01:41:22,577
Why?
1486
01:41:22,937 --> 01:41:24,337
She's the one.
1487
01:41:26,777 --> 01:41:28,377
You killed Tea?
1488
01:41:28,656 --> 01:41:34,176
She, whose cobalt eyes were
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
1489
01:41:35,096 --> 01:41:36,857
I closed them.
1490
01:41:38,856 --> 01:41:41,217
- You?
- Yes, I strangled her.
1491
01:41:42,217 --> 01:41:46,178
Right over there, on that rug,
I strangled her.
1492
01:41:46,458 --> 01:41:51,339
And, yes, I screwed her first.
1493
01:41:53,979 --> 01:41:56,420
You raped and strangled...
1494
01:41:56,540 --> 01:41:58,099
No, not rape.
1495
01:41:58,739 --> 01:42:00,540
She wanted it.
1496
01:42:00,660 --> 01:42:02,100
You're Iying.
1497
01:42:04,019 --> 01:42:06,499
You can't take me
with a crude game like this.
1498
01:42:06,619 --> 01:42:09,339
Honestly, Milo,
I gave you credit for better sport.
1499
01:42:09,459 --> 01:42:13,899
When I was here yesterday, planting
the blood and clothes for old Doppler,
1500
01:42:14,019 --> 01:42:16,859
Tea showed up looking for you,
1501
01:42:16,979 --> 01:42:18,779
so I pitched her a little woo,
1502
01:42:18,899 --> 01:42:22,299
as you would've said in your day,
and we danced cheek-to-cheek
1503
01:42:22,420 --> 01:42:25,379
to those cornball big band oldies
of yours.
1504
01:42:25,499 --> 01:42:27,659
I mean, who but you would have them?
1505
01:42:27,860 --> 01:42:29,859
Anyway, it worked.
1506
01:42:30,380 --> 01:42:33,380
She got itchy,
and I had to scratch, didn't I?
1507
01:42:33,699 --> 01:42:36,019
And afterwards, she got sleepy.
1508
01:42:36,140 --> 01:42:39,898
And that's when I did it, old boy.
I wrung her neck.
1509
01:42:41,498 --> 01:42:43,659
She was under
that freshly dug mound of earth
1510
01:42:43,779 --> 01:42:47,299
- that old Doppler took such a fancy to.
- Was? You mean, she's not now?
1511
01:42:47,418 --> 01:42:48,819
No, I moved her.
1512
01:42:48,939 --> 01:42:51,419
Where to? The flooded graveI pit?
1513
01:42:51,538 --> 01:42:55,660
- Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory?
- It doesn't matter where to.
1514
01:42:55,780 --> 01:42:58,581
The police will find her in due course,
if they haven't found her already.
1515
01:42:58,701 --> 01:42:59,740
The police?
1516
01:42:59,860 --> 01:43:02,261
Yes, I phoned them about an hour ago
1517
01:43:02,381 --> 01:43:05,342
and asked them
to meet me here at 10:00.
1518
01:43:05,462 --> 01:43:08,381
They should arrive in about 15 minutes.
1519
01:43:09,142 --> 01:43:11,221
I'm sure they will, too.
1520
01:43:11,341 --> 01:43:16,021
Led, no doubt,
by intrepid, downy Inspector Doppler.
1521
01:43:16,141 --> 01:43:18,621
Nope. It'll be a reaI cop, all right.
1522
01:43:18,820 --> 01:43:23,060
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
is his name. Check it, if you like.
1523
01:43:24,301 --> 01:43:26,741
I told him a lot about you, Andrew.
1524
01:43:26,861 --> 01:43:30,181
I said I knew you to be a man
obsessed with games playing
1525
01:43:30,301 --> 01:43:32,821
and murder considered as a fine art.
1526
01:43:32,941 --> 01:43:36,342
Your life's great ambition, I said,
of which you had often spoken,
1527
01:43:36,462 --> 01:43:39,222
was to commit
an actuaI, reaI-life murder,
1528
01:43:39,342 --> 01:43:42,261
hide the body, then leave clues
linking you with the crime
1529
01:43:42,382 --> 01:43:43,862
scattered about the house.
1530
01:43:43,982 --> 01:43:46,621
Convinced that the poor,
simple-minded police
1531
01:43:46,741 --> 01:43:49,700
would never recognise them
for what they were.
1532
01:43:49,820 --> 01:43:52,941
"Please, sir, Andrew Wyke can't rest
untiI he's committed a reaI murder,
1533
01:43:53,061 --> 01:43:55,621
"which is gonna make fools
out of all you coppers. "
1534
01:43:55,741 --> 01:43:56,980
Honestly.
1535
01:43:57,341 --> 01:43:58,941
Tell that to the average desk sergeant,
1536
01:43:59,061 --> 01:44:02,901
and you'll find yourself strapped
straight into the giggle jacket.
1537
01:44:03,021 --> 01:44:04,661
Not so, in fact.
1538
01:44:04,942 --> 01:44:09,342
I told them that if they didn't believe me,
one look at your books
1539
01:44:09,462 --> 01:44:12,581
and the furnishings of your house
would confirm what I said
1540
01:44:12,702 --> 01:44:15,142
about your obsessions.
1541
01:44:21,622 --> 01:44:24,662
I also told them that two days ago
1542
01:44:24,782 --> 01:44:27,582
your girlfriend
came to my house in great distress,
1543
01:44:27,702 --> 01:44:30,862
saying that you suspected her
of having affairs with other men,
1544
01:44:30,982 --> 01:44:32,543
and threatened to kill her.
1545
01:44:32,663 --> 01:44:35,222
I bet they believed every word of that.
1546
01:44:35,342 --> 01:44:37,743
In the end, yes, they did.
1547
01:44:40,663 --> 01:44:42,823
My dear boy.
1548
01:44:43,543 --> 01:44:45,542
I do appreciate that
in spite of your denials
1549
01:44:45,662 --> 01:44:48,143
you've been captivated
by the spirit of games playing,
1550
01:44:48,263 --> 01:44:50,543
and the need, as you see it,
to win at any cost,
1551
01:44:50,663 --> 01:44:54,503
but frankly, you are trying too hard
1552
01:44:54,623 --> 01:44:57,342
to be a big boy, too soon.
1553
01:45:06,423 --> 01:45:07,423
Hello.
1554
01:45:07,543 --> 01:45:10,342
Hello, Joyce? It's Andrew.
1555
01:45:10,462 --> 01:45:12,583
Can... Can I speak to Tea?
1556
01:45:15,824 --> 01:45:18,184
She... What?
1557
01:45:20,263 --> 01:45:22,104
Been strangled?
1558
01:45:24,623 --> 01:45:26,104
Where was this?
1559
01:45:26,824 --> 01:45:28,944
When was it?
1560
01:45:29,184 --> 01:45:30,823
Where was she found?
1561
01:45:31,104 --> 01:45:32,183
What?
1562
01:45:34,024 --> 01:45:35,264
Joyce.
1563
01:45:35,384 --> 01:45:36,944
I can't understand what you...
1564
01:45:37,064 --> 01:45:39,504
Look, do try to controI your...
1565
01:45:40,745 --> 01:45:41,825
What?
1566
01:45:43,184 --> 01:45:44,424
The police...
1567
01:45:45,265 --> 01:45:46,345
Asking...
1568
01:45:48,504 --> 01:45:49,665
Oh, my.
1569
01:45:56,625 --> 01:45:59,145
You should've believed me.
1570
01:45:59,265 --> 01:46:01,665
Now, we're gonna play the game.
1571
01:46:01,784 --> 01:46:06,023
In a little over 13 minutes
the law will arrive.
1572
01:46:06,303 --> 01:46:08,664
It's going to be your giant brain
1573
01:46:09,064 --> 01:46:11,264
against their plodding ones.
1574
01:46:11,384 --> 01:46:13,904
Concealed about this room
1575
01:46:14,024 --> 01:46:18,344
are four clues incriminating
you as Tea's murderer.
1576
01:46:19,064 --> 01:46:23,425
Including, as a finaI expression
of your contempt for the police,
1577
01:46:23,546 --> 01:46:25,505
the murder weapon itself.
1578
01:46:26,385 --> 01:46:28,066
Now, are you ready?
1579
01:46:30,625 --> 01:46:34,066
You can't make a game
out of reaI murder.
1580
01:46:34,265 --> 01:46:35,746
We'll see.
1581
01:46:35,866 --> 01:46:37,585
Now, remember,
1582
01:46:37,705 --> 01:46:38,985
four objects.
1583
01:46:39,105 --> 01:46:42,224
Those that you don't find,
be sure the police will.
1584
01:46:42,345 --> 01:46:44,905
And they're all in plain view.
1585
01:46:45,025 --> 01:46:47,545
And the first object is
1586
01:46:47,665 --> 01:46:49,505
a crystaI bracelet.
1587
01:46:50,865 --> 01:46:52,546
- The... What?
- Yes.
1588
01:46:53,186 --> 01:46:57,146
- I tore it off her wrist. It's inscribed...
- All right. All right!
1589
01:46:57,266 --> 01:46:59,266
I know how it's inscribed.
1590
01:47:36,708 --> 01:47:39,468
- Would you like some help?
- Yes. Damn you!
1591
01:47:39,669 --> 01:47:40,869
So soon?
1592
01:47:41,428 --> 01:47:43,548
Now, where's my list?
1593
01:47:43,668 --> 01:47:45,428
- Oh, God.
- Here it is.
1594
01:47:46,669 --> 01:47:48,787
"For any man with half an eye
1595
01:47:48,907 --> 01:47:51,668
"what stands before him he may spy
1596
01:47:51,788 --> 01:47:56,948
"but optics sharp it needs and keen
to see what is not to be seen. "
1597
01:47:57,067 --> 01:47:59,428
You said everything was in plain view!
1598
01:47:59,548 --> 01:48:01,708
Well, aren't I
the shifty old sly boots, then?
1599
01:48:01,828 --> 01:48:04,587
You're not giving me anything
of a chance, you bastard!
1600
01:48:04,707 --> 01:48:07,109
Now, think, think, think.
1601
01:48:07,228 --> 01:48:10,709
It's in plain view, yet not to be seen.
An opticaI trick's involved.
1602
01:48:10,829 --> 01:48:14,549
An opticaI...
A key to see what is not to be seen
1603
01:48:15,829 --> 01:48:18,949
by the naked eye. It's microscopic.
1604
01:48:19,068 --> 01:48:22,589
Only a fragment of it is showing.
That's it.
1605
01:48:22,709 --> 01:48:25,668
The traditionaI tooI of your trade,
Inspector?
1606
01:48:30,628 --> 01:48:32,469
Why don't you ask yourself
1607
01:48:32,589 --> 01:48:36,309
how your man Merrydick,
would go about the search?
1608
01:48:36,429 --> 01:48:38,829
Merridew! St John Lord Merridew!
1609
01:48:38,949 --> 01:48:40,869
Calm. Keep calm.
1610
01:48:40,990 --> 01:48:42,789
Think.
What are the properties of crystaI?
1611
01:48:42,910 --> 01:48:44,070
Hard,
1612
01:48:44,190 --> 01:48:45,350
brilliant,
1613
01:48:45,470 --> 01:48:46,909
transparent.
1614
01:48:48,310 --> 01:48:52,310
You look through it, but you don't see it.
That's the trick.
1615
01:48:52,950 --> 01:48:55,989
Now, the only place to conceaI
a transparent thing,
1616
01:48:56,109 --> 01:48:59,230
so as to make it invisible,
and yet leave it in plain view
1617
01:48:59,349 --> 01:49:02,229
is on or in
another transparent thing like...
1618
01:49:02,349 --> 01:49:03,509
Like!
1619
01:49:11,990 --> 01:49:13,589
Clear as crystaI.
1620
01:49:14,909 --> 01:49:17,710
But I don't need to destroy this, do I?
1621
01:49:17,829 --> 01:49:20,269
- She could've left it here anytime.
- True.
1622
01:49:20,389 --> 01:49:21,710
Go on. What next?
1623
01:49:21,830 --> 01:49:25,111
The next object
is much more incriminating.
1624
01:49:25,231 --> 01:49:26,871
Here's a little riddle, which I'm sure
1625
01:49:26,991 --> 01:49:29,591
one of your nannies
must have taught you.
1626
01:49:29,751 --> 01:49:32,550
Two brothers we are
Great burdens we bear
1627
01:49:32,670 --> 01:49:35,151
On which we are bitterly pressed
1628
01:49:35,271 --> 01:49:37,550
The truth is to say
We are full all the day
1629
01:49:37,670 --> 01:49:39,790
And empty when we go to rest
1630
01:49:39,910 --> 01:49:42,950
I know that. I know that.
Hold on. Just a minute.
1631
01:49:43,070 --> 01:49:46,471
Full all the day, empty when we go...
I know! It's a pair of shoes!
1632
01:49:46,590 --> 01:49:50,232
In this case, one lady's left black shoe,
size 6.
1633
01:49:52,032 --> 01:49:55,431
The other, I need hardly add,
is on Tea's foot.
1634
01:49:55,551 --> 01:49:57,112
God! Poor Tea.
1635
01:50:01,352 --> 01:50:02,951
Poor Tea, eh?
1636
01:50:03,071 --> 01:50:04,592
That's better.
1637
01:50:04,752 --> 01:50:06,951
Do you know that's
the first sign of sorrow you've shown
1638
01:50:07,071 --> 01:50:09,910
since you heard of her death?
1639
01:50:10,030 --> 01:50:11,471
You wouldn't put it here, anyway.
1640
01:50:11,591 --> 01:50:14,391
Or even upstairs
among Marguerite's shoes.
1641
01:50:14,511 --> 01:50:18,071
- Too obvious.
- Such grief is touching.
1642
01:50:18,191 --> 01:50:21,511
You really are the salt of the earth,
you know that, Andrew?
1643
01:50:21,631 --> 01:50:24,191
By the way,
that's a clue, if you're interested.
1644
01:50:25,071 --> 01:50:26,631
Salt of the earth? Earth?
1645
01:50:26,752 --> 01:50:28,551
It's buried... No, you buried the other.
1646
01:50:28,672 --> 01:50:31,952
Salt, salt...
Salt and pepper. Saltpeter...
1647
01:50:32,072 --> 01:50:34,311
Salt water... Salt... Cellar!
1648
01:50:34,432 --> 01:50:36,112
It's in the cellar!
1649
01:51:09,394 --> 01:51:12,233
You're really turned on,
aren't you, Andrew?
1650
01:51:13,713 --> 01:51:17,593
Even though the game you're playing
is for your own life.
1651
01:51:18,194 --> 01:51:20,552
You're practically having it off.
1652
01:51:21,193 --> 01:51:22,592
Shoe, shoe!
1653
01:51:22,713 --> 01:51:24,353
I ask myself,
1654
01:51:24,473 --> 01:51:27,552
"If I was a black shoe,
where would I hide?
1655
01:51:27,672 --> 01:51:30,473
"If I was as black as your hat.
1656
01:51:30,592 --> 01:51:33,712
"If I was as black as the ace of spades.
1657
01:51:33,832 --> 01:51:36,434
- "If I was as black as... "
- CoaI!
1658
01:51:38,632 --> 01:51:40,394
Dirty bastard!
1659
01:51:50,833 --> 01:51:52,992
You dirty son of a bitch!
1660
01:51:56,793 --> 01:51:58,314
You're getting warmer,
1661
01:51:58,433 --> 01:52:00,313
and blacker.
1662
01:52:00,434 --> 01:52:02,834
Must be quite a new experience for you.
1663
01:52:02,954 --> 01:52:04,713
I don't suppose blacks
play much of a part
1664
01:52:04,833 --> 01:52:06,195
in the books you write, do they?
1665
01:52:06,315 --> 01:52:09,835
Except for the odd, eyeball rolling darkie
1666
01:52:09,955 --> 01:52:13,074
to take his place
alongside the swarthy yid,
1667
01:52:13,195 --> 01:52:16,795
the oily Levantine
and others of their kind.
1668
01:52:31,755 --> 01:52:33,395
Oh, I'm sorry it's so messy.
1669
01:52:33,515 --> 01:52:35,315
It's only earth.
1670
01:52:35,435 --> 01:52:38,076
From Tea's first grave in your garden.
1671
01:52:43,795 --> 01:52:45,837
Not so bad.
We're up of the clock, I think.
1672
01:52:45,955 --> 01:52:48,796
- Barely.
- Well, what's next?
1673
01:52:50,916 --> 01:52:53,357
What do you find so damned amusing?
1674
01:52:54,196 --> 01:52:56,596
What the hell are you laughing at?
1675
01:52:58,715 --> 01:53:01,315
- Are you sure you're all right?
- Yes, I'm all right.
1676
01:53:01,435 --> 01:53:03,075
- Jack.
- Jack?
1677
01:53:03,195 --> 01:53:04,596
Simple minded twit!
1678
01:53:04,716 --> 01:53:06,075
You've been handing me the clue
all along.
1679
01:53:06,195 --> 01:53:09,115
It's Jolly Jack Tar. It's on the sailor.
1680
01:53:09,235 --> 01:53:10,315
True!
1681
01:53:10,435 --> 01:53:12,195
That's where it is.
1682
01:53:13,596 --> 01:53:18,318
But this time,
I am not going to tell you what it is.
1683
01:53:18,598 --> 01:53:19,918
All right.
1684
01:54:05,078 --> 01:54:07,437
He looked disappointed in you.
1685
01:54:07,557 --> 01:54:09,996
But then, it's no laughing matter.
1686
01:54:10,557 --> 01:54:11,797
Or is it?
1687
01:54:16,437 --> 01:54:17,916
Do that again.
1688
01:54:20,718 --> 01:54:23,318
My God,
he's never winked at me before.
1689
01:54:38,599 --> 01:54:42,198
I suppose the other lash
is on one of poor Tea's eyes.
1690
01:54:42,718 --> 01:54:44,158
She won't miss it.
1691
01:54:44,278 --> 01:54:45,999
They're both closed.
1692
01:54:47,920 --> 01:54:49,718
How much more time?
1693
01:54:49,839 --> 01:54:53,319
You've got about five minutes.
Hardly enough, I'd say.
1694
01:54:53,439 --> 01:54:55,918
There's one more thing left, I think,
the murder weapon.
1695
01:54:56,038 --> 01:54:57,639
You strangled her over there,
with what?
1696
01:54:57,759 --> 01:55:02,440
- A rope, belt, scarf...
- It bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew.
1697
01:55:03,999 --> 01:55:05,600
I had to pry it loose.
1698
01:55:05,720 --> 01:55:09,799
You'll pay for that, I promise,
you sadistic bloody wop!
1699
01:55:09,919 --> 01:55:12,399
I hope I didn't hear that correctly.
1700
01:55:16,159 --> 01:55:18,518
You're certain to need more help.
1701
01:55:19,238 --> 01:55:22,598
I'd hate to have to start giving you
difficult Italian clues,
1702
01:55:22,718 --> 01:55:26,798
- full of treachery and double meaning.
- All right. All right.
1703
01:55:28,519 --> 01:55:31,479
As severaI wops have remarked
from time to time...
1704
01:55:34,240 --> 01:55:36,000
Was that a clue?
1705
01:55:36,680 --> 01:55:38,640
Say the damn thing again.
1706
01:55:40,961 --> 01:55:42,840
No. Once more, please.
1707
01:55:52,321 --> 01:55:54,120
What's the time. No...
1708
01:55:55,241 --> 01:55:56,321
No.
1709
01:55:58,160 --> 01:55:59,481
Gold, gold!
1710
01:56:00,920 --> 01:56:02,160
All gold!
1711
01:56:07,401 --> 01:56:09,000
Gold scintillates?
1712
01:56:09,121 --> 01:56:11,161
Glitters.
1713
01:56:11,281 --> 01:56:13,561
All that glisters is not gold.
1714
01:56:13,681 --> 01:56:15,562
There will always be an England.
1715
01:56:15,681 --> 01:56:18,521
You strangled her
with something golden and scintillating.
1716
01:56:22,282 --> 01:56:26,241
What's that? A musicaI clue.
Right. Now, golden notes,
1717
01:56:26,361 --> 01:56:29,720
golden scales, golden... It's a chord!
1718
01:56:29,840 --> 01:56:32,961
You strangled her with a golden cord,
and like everybody does,
1719
01:56:33,081 --> 01:56:35,880
you hid it behind the bell pull!
1720
01:56:36,001 --> 01:56:37,961
No, damn it, you didn't.
1721
01:56:41,882 --> 01:56:44,202
Anything goes in olden days!
1722
01:56:44,322 --> 01:56:46,721
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
1723
01:56:46,842 --> 01:56:48,442
Was looked on as something shock...
1724
01:56:48,562 --> 01:56:52,362
Stocking! Where do you put stockings?
1725
01:56:52,482 --> 01:56:55,761
On legs. Legs! The golden legs.
1726
01:56:57,123 --> 01:56:59,761
Not a golden leg in the blasted house.
1727
01:57:01,202 --> 01:57:02,882
Is it in this room?
1728
01:57:08,002 --> 01:57:09,202
Bastard!
1729
01:57:12,642 --> 01:57:15,522
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
1730
01:57:15,643 --> 01:57:17,963
Was looked at as something shocking
1731
01:57:18,083 --> 01:57:21,882
Now heaven knows, anything goes
1732
01:57:23,123 --> 01:57:26,403
The world has gone mad today
And good...
1733
01:57:37,482 --> 01:57:39,642
I think I can hear something.
1734
01:57:47,963 --> 01:57:49,083
Andrew!
1735
01:57:49,204 --> 01:57:50,244
Andrew!
1736
01:57:50,364 --> 01:57:51,444
What?
1737
01:57:51,564 --> 01:57:53,964
They're here. The police are here.
1738
01:57:57,244 --> 01:57:59,324
It looks like you've had it.
1739
01:57:59,444 --> 01:58:01,685
- They're coming up the drive.
- Keep them out!
1740
01:58:01,805 --> 01:58:03,164
Keep the police out?
1741
01:58:03,284 --> 01:58:04,845
It's just not done, old boy.
1742
01:58:04,965 --> 01:58:06,763
But still, I'll try.
1743
01:58:08,244 --> 01:58:11,004
Just one more minute.
1744
01:58:11,123 --> 01:58:14,523
Stall them somehow. Please!
1745
01:58:14,643 --> 01:58:15,924
Remember,
1746
01:58:16,044 --> 01:58:17,885
in olden days
1747
01:58:18,005 --> 01:58:20,845
a glimpse of stocking.
1748
01:58:23,925 --> 01:58:24,925
Mr Tindle?
1749
01:58:25,046 --> 01:58:27,526
- Olden days...
- I wasn't expecting to find you here, sir.
1750
01:58:27,646 --> 01:58:30,125
- Glimpse...
- Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant.
1751
01:58:30,245 --> 01:58:32,006
Olden days...
1752
01:58:32,126 --> 01:58:33,965
Before tights, what?
1753
01:58:34,085 --> 01:58:36,805
Nylon. Before nylon, what?
1754
01:58:36,925 --> 01:58:38,165
Silk.
1755
01:58:38,565 --> 01:58:42,484
Well, what else. What...
1756
01:58:49,685 --> 01:58:50,805
Clock.
1757
01:58:56,005 --> 01:58:59,765
Stockings had clocks.
1758
01:58:59,886 --> 01:59:01,446
In olden days...
1759
01:59:11,285 --> 01:59:12,566
Glimpse...
1760
01:59:16,045 --> 01:59:18,246
Now you see it,
1761
01:59:18,366 --> 01:59:19,805
now you don't.
1762
02:00:18,128 --> 02:00:21,127
It wouldn't take long to dig up, Sergeant.
1763
02:00:21,247 --> 02:00:23,368
Why don't I have a go at it?
1764
02:00:23,727 --> 02:00:26,127
Well, surely...
1765
02:00:36,807 --> 02:00:39,167
Just let me tell him you're here.
1766
02:00:44,248 --> 02:00:45,408
Andrew.
1767
02:00:45,527 --> 02:00:46,807
Is it all right if I introduce
1768
02:00:46,927 --> 02:00:49,928
Detective Sergeant Tarrant
and Constable Higgs?
1769
02:00:51,649 --> 02:00:54,888
Yes, of course. Come in, gentlemen.
1770
02:00:55,008 --> 02:00:57,570
Come in, do have...
1771
02:01:03,208 --> 02:01:07,648
Or should I say, Inspector Plodder
1772
02:01:07,768 --> 02:01:10,488
and Constable Freshface.
1773
02:01:14,008 --> 02:01:17,449
Thank you, Sergeant.
We won't be needing you after all.
1774
02:01:18,609 --> 02:01:19,770
That's all right, sir.
1775
02:01:19,890 --> 02:01:23,610
Better to be safe than sorry,
that's what I always say, sir.
1776
02:01:24,010 --> 02:01:26,969
- Good night, Sergeant.
- Good night, sir.
1777
02:01:28,329 --> 02:01:30,129
Good night, Constable.
1778
02:01:31,490 --> 02:01:33,089
Good night, sir.
1779
02:01:53,169 --> 02:01:56,290
First, I suppose
you'll want to know about Tea.
1780
02:01:57,009 --> 02:01:58,089
She did call yesterday
1781
02:01:58,210 --> 02:02:01,129
while I was setting up
the Doppler scene,
1782
02:02:01,249 --> 02:02:04,169
and I told her about the trick
that you played on me with the gun,
1783
02:02:04,289 --> 02:02:05,810
and she wasn't a bit surprised.
1784
02:02:05,930 --> 02:02:08,890
She knows only too well
the kind of games you like to play,
1785
02:02:09,010 --> 02:02:12,770
the kind of humiliation you enjoy
inflicting on other people.
1786
02:02:13,971 --> 02:02:18,730
I explained to her that I wanted
to play a game and get even with you,
1787
02:02:18,850 --> 02:02:23,450
and I asked her to lend me a stocking,
a shoe, a false eyelash
1788
02:02:23,570 --> 02:02:26,610
and that bracelet that you'd bought her.
1789
02:02:28,492 --> 02:02:31,571
And she was happy to help,
1790
02:02:31,691 --> 02:02:33,971
and so was her flatmate, Joyce.
1791
02:02:38,252 --> 02:02:40,452
Would you like to phone Tea?
1792
02:02:42,091 --> 02:02:43,971
She'll talk to you now.
1793
02:02:47,330 --> 02:02:51,251
But then, you wouldn't have very much
to say to her, would you?
1794
02:02:53,250 --> 02:02:55,891
She's not really your mistress, is she?
1795
02:02:58,171 --> 02:03:03,252
She told me that you and her
haven't made it together for over a year.
1796
02:03:05,612 --> 02:03:10,412
She also told me
that you are practically impotent.
1797
02:03:11,572 --> 02:03:15,892
Not at all, in fact, the selector's choice
for the next Olympics.
1798
02:03:17,332 --> 02:03:19,091
I warned you, Andrew.
1799
02:03:21,211 --> 02:03:23,572
I don't play games for the sport!
1800
02:03:25,373 --> 02:03:28,652
Particularly not games of humiliation.
1801
02:03:31,893 --> 02:03:34,054
I know too much about that.
1802
02:03:42,134 --> 02:03:43,854
Where are you going?
1803
02:03:45,614 --> 02:03:48,254
I'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat.
1804
02:03:49,654 --> 02:03:51,933
- She's not coming back?
- No.
1805
02:04:00,334 --> 02:04:01,733
I live
1806
02:04:02,933 --> 02:04:04,853
as I want to live.
1807
02:04:04,973 --> 02:04:08,853
You know, I've been
thinking of that writer you told me about.
1808
02:04:08,973 --> 02:04:12,453
And it is my opinion
that your detective stories
1809
02:04:12,573 --> 02:04:16,933
are the normaI recreation
of snobbish, out-dated,
1810
02:04:17,053 --> 02:04:19,694
life-hating, ignoble minds.
1811
02:04:20,934 --> 02:04:23,014
I'll get that fur coat now.
1812
02:04:38,934 --> 02:04:40,214
You see.
1813
02:04:41,815 --> 02:04:43,135
You see.
1814
02:04:46,536 --> 02:04:47,815
Inspector,
1815
02:04:49,616 --> 02:04:51,615
I was working in my study
1816
02:04:52,455 --> 02:04:54,615
when I heard a noise in here,
1817
02:04:56,496 --> 02:04:59,735
so I took my revolver,
1818
02:05:01,095 --> 02:05:02,975
and I came in here
1819
02:05:03,134 --> 02:05:04,655
to investigate.
1820
02:05:06,574 --> 02:05:08,495
Here was this young man
1821
02:05:09,535 --> 02:05:11,455
running down the stairs
1822
02:05:12,016 --> 02:05:15,176
with my wife's fur coat over his arm.
1823
02:05:16,855 --> 02:05:18,895
I shouted for him to stop,
1824
02:05:19,375 --> 02:05:21,815
but he wouldn't pay any attention,
1825
02:05:22,255 --> 02:05:24,456
but ran on towards the door
1826
02:05:25,535 --> 02:05:27,535
hoping to make his escape.
1827
02:05:28,456 --> 02:05:31,056
Naturally, I fired.
1828
02:05:33,136 --> 02:05:34,934
I aimed low.
1829
02:05:36,095 --> 02:05:38,255
Believe me, Inspector, I did.
1830
02:05:39,175 --> 02:05:41,575
The most appalling thing happened.
1831
02:05:43,055 --> 02:05:44,655
I shot him dead.
1832
02:05:49,895 --> 02:05:51,456
That's all right, sir.
1833
02:05:51,736 --> 02:05:54,016
Don't distress yourself unduly.
1834
02:05:54,137 --> 02:05:56,857
A thing like that
could happen to anyone.
1835
02:06:11,696 --> 02:06:13,577
I can't let you go now.
1836
02:06:15,056 --> 02:06:16,657
What do you mean?
1837
02:06:17,337 --> 02:06:18,777
Going about
1838
02:06:19,136 --> 02:06:20,857
telling everyone.
1839
02:06:21,777 --> 02:06:23,617
It's just not possible.
1840
02:06:23,737 --> 02:06:26,016
Who... Whom would I tell?
1841
02:06:27,577 --> 02:06:28,897
Who'd be interested?
1842
02:06:29,017 --> 02:06:32,337
One person would be too many,
even Marguerite.
1843
02:06:32,457 --> 02:06:33,536
Especially Marguerite.
1844
02:06:33,656 --> 02:06:35,657
What are you going to do then, Andrew?
1845
02:06:35,777 --> 02:06:37,177
Shoot me down?
1846
02:06:37,297 --> 02:06:40,178
- Play that old burglar game again?
- That's right.
1847
02:06:40,298 --> 02:06:42,657
- It wouldn't work now.
- No?
1848
02:06:43,977 --> 02:06:45,496
Why not I wonder.
1849
02:06:45,616 --> 02:06:49,817
Because of what really happened
after I left here last Friday night.
1850
02:06:51,297 --> 02:06:53,976
What really happened?
1851
02:06:54,096 --> 02:06:56,097
I did lurch home
1852
02:06:56,217 --> 02:06:59,778
dazed, dirty and humiliated.
1853
02:07:01,178 --> 02:07:03,138
And I sat up all night.
1854
02:07:05,458 --> 02:07:06,898
And in the morning,
1855
02:07:07,018 --> 02:07:09,258
I went to the police station
1856
02:07:09,938 --> 02:07:12,539
and I told them what you'd done to me.
1857
02:07:13,420 --> 02:07:15,498
And one of them,
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
1858
02:07:15,618 --> 02:07:17,298
yes, he's reaI.
1859
02:07:18,339 --> 02:07:21,779
He took me into a little room,
and we had a long chat,
1860
02:07:22,659 --> 02:07:25,538
but I don't think
he paid very much attention
1861
02:07:25,658 --> 02:07:27,378
to anything I said.
1862
02:07:28,499 --> 02:07:30,499
So I thought to myself,
1863
02:07:31,458 --> 02:07:33,499
"He's not gonna do anything about this. "
1864
02:07:33,619 --> 02:07:36,459
No? Why not?
1865
02:07:37,899 --> 02:07:40,899
You know the answer to that
just as well as I do.
1866
02:07:41,019 --> 02:07:44,018
In his eyes,
I'm just some common little git
1867
02:07:44,379 --> 02:07:46,019
who's been screwing the wife
of a locaI noble
1868
02:07:46,139 --> 02:07:47,499
and got what he deserved.
1869
02:07:47,619 --> 02:07:51,298
So perhaps the police won't come by
as I said they would,
1870
02:07:51,418 --> 02:07:53,218
but even if they don't,
1871
02:07:53,338 --> 02:07:57,219
they'd never believe
that burglar story of yours. Not now.
1872
02:07:58,338 --> 02:08:00,338
So, you see, you've lost.
1873
02:08:02,899 --> 02:08:05,578
You can't fooI me any more, Milo.
1874
02:08:06,859 --> 02:08:09,900
I haven't believed a single word
you've been saying.
1875
02:08:10,019 --> 02:08:11,500
It's the truth.
1876
02:08:13,499 --> 02:08:14,780
Liar.
1877
02:08:14,899 --> 02:08:17,899
Phone Sergeant Tarrant
if you don't believe me.
1878
02:08:18,900 --> 02:08:23,341
You come here and announce
your intention to steaI away my wife.
1879
02:08:24,020 --> 02:08:27,220
You pry into my manhood,
1880
02:08:27,341 --> 02:08:31,941
you lecture me on ignoble minds
1881
02:08:33,381 --> 02:08:36,581
and you mock the creation of my life,
1882
02:08:37,541 --> 02:08:40,501
St John Lord Merridew.
1883
02:08:44,902 --> 02:08:48,982
Well, they're all reaI bullets this time.
1884
02:08:52,501 --> 02:08:54,461
The game's over, Andrew.
1885
02:08:56,502 --> 02:08:58,182
I'm going home now.
1886
02:09:13,422 --> 02:09:16,422
Milo, you do see
1887
02:09:17,302 --> 02:09:20,703
I'm not really a very good games player.
1888
02:09:20,823 --> 02:09:22,742
I mean to say,
1889
02:09:22,862 --> 02:09:26,983
never play the same game
three times running.
1890
02:10:47,944 --> 02:10:49,103
Andrew?
1891
02:10:51,064 --> 02:10:52,504
Don't forget.
1892
02:10:53,743 --> 02:10:56,103
Be sure and tell them
1893
02:10:57,384 --> 02:10:58,824
it was just
1894
02:11:00,265 --> 02:11:02,464
a bloody game.