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As the 21st century began...
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human evolution was
at a turning point.
3
00:00:45,539 --> 00:00:50,273
Natural selection, the process by which
the strongest, the smartest...
4
00:00:50,371 --> 00:00:53,786
the fastest reproduced
in greater numbers than the rest...
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00:00:53,891 --> 00:00:57,568
a process which had once
favored the noblest traits of man...
6
00:00:57,667 --> 00:00:59,968
now began to favor
different traits.
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The Joey Buttafuoco case...
8
00:01:01,987 --> 00:01:05,632
Most science fiction of the day
predicted a future that was more civilized...
9
00:01:05,731 --> 00:01:07,739
and more intelligent.
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But as time went on, things seemed
to be heading in the opposite direction.
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A dumbing down.
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How did this happen?
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Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.
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With no natural predators
to thin the herd...
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it began to simply reward those
who reproduced the most...
16
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and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.
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Having kids is such
an important decision.
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We're just waiting
for the right time.
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It's not something you want
to rush into, obviously.
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No way.
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Oh, shit,
I'm pregnant again!
22
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:45,435
Shit!
I got too many damn kids!
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- I thought you was on the pill or some shit!
- Hell, no!
24
00:01:48,739 --> 00:01:50,627
Shit! I must've been
thinkin' of Brittany.
25
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Brittany?
No, you didn't!
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- There's no way we could have a child now.
- Mm-mm.
27
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Not with the market
the way it is, no.
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God, no. That just
wouldn't make any sense.
29
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Come on over here, bitch!
He don't care about you!
30
00:02:03,139 --> 00:02:05,692
Yeah? Well, there must be
somethin' he likes over here.
31
00:02:05,795 --> 00:02:08,926
- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!
- Clevon!
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00:02:09,027 --> 00:02:11,962
Oh, shit.
It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
33
00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:15,231
Well, we finally decided
to have children...
34
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and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.
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And this is helping.
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I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,
maybe you should be willing to...
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It's always me, right?
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Well, it's not
my sperm count.
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Yeah! Yeah!
I'm gonna fuck all y'all!
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That's my boy!
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00:02:33,891 --> 00:02:36,095
Whoo! Whoo!
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Clevon is lucky
to be alive.
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00:02:39,843 --> 00:02:42,079
He attempted to jump
a Jet Ski from a lake...
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00:02:42,179 --> 00:02:45,278
into a swimming pool
and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.
45
00:02:45,379 --> 00:02:47,354
But thanks to recent advances
in stem cell research...
46
00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:50,306
and the fine work of Doctors Krinski
and Altschuler...
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00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,508
Clevon should regain
full reproductive function.
48
00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:54,433
Get your hands
off my junk!
49
00:02:58,499 --> 00:03:01,466
Unfortunately, Trevor passed away
from a heart attack...
50
00:03:01,571 --> 00:03:03,578
while masturbating...
51
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,650
to produce sperm
for artificial insemination.
52
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,577
But I have
some eggs frozen...
53
00:03:08,674 --> 00:03:12,220
so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know...
54
00:03:16,291 --> 00:03:18,680
And so it went for generations...
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00:03:18,787 --> 00:03:21,470
although few, if any,
seemed to notice.
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00:03:21,571 --> 00:03:27,102
But in the year 2005, in a military base
just outside of Washington, D. C...
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a simple army librarian
was unknowingly...
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about to change the entire course
ofhuman history.
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Come on, asshole!
Go on! Take him to jail!
60
00:03:40,706 --> 00:03:42,267
Hey, Bauers.
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00:03:42,371 --> 00:03:44,760
This is Peterson,
your new replacement.
62
00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:48,576
- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
- Yeah, they didn't tell you?
63
00:03:48,675 --> 00:03:50,682
- No.
- Some new assignment.
64
00:03:50,787 --> 00:03:52,991
They're being all weird
and hush-hush about it.
65
00:03:53,090 --> 00:03:55,807
I don't want a new assignment.
I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
66
00:03:55,907 --> 00:03:59,519
- I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?
67
00:03:59,619 --> 00:04:02,106
No one ever comes in here.
68
00:04:02,211 --> 00:04:05,310
Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.
No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
69
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:08,346
If I can just stay in here another eight years,
I get my pension.
70
00:04:08,450 --> 00:04:11,450
I'm all set. Can you just
get me out of this?
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No way. Not this time.
It's coming from high up.
72
00:04:14,275 --> 00:04:18,465
Jesus. I don't understand.
Why me?
73
00:04:18,563 --> 00:04:22,043
Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,
or get out of the way, " I get out of the way.
74
00:04:22,146 --> 00:04:25,627
When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way. "
75
00:04:25,730 --> 00:04:29,625
It's supposed to embarrass you
into leading or at least following.
76
00:04:29,731 --> 00:04:31,519
That doesn't
embarrass me.
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00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:33,441
Look, Joe.
You don't have a choice.
78
00:04:33,539 --> 00:04:35,295
You're just gonna
have to follow.
79
00:04:35,395 --> 00:04:37,762
Like, follow me upstairs,
like, now.
80
00:04:37,858 --> 00:04:41,470
Right now?
Shouldn't I train this guy?
81
00:04:41,571 --> 00:04:45,597
I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass
and watch TV all day. Let's go.
82
00:04:52,387 --> 00:04:55,322
Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers...
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00:04:55,427 --> 00:04:58,427
our first subject for the Human
Hibernation Experiment.
84
00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,385
Now, as you know,
throughout the years...
85
00:05:00,483 --> 00:05:02,850
many of our best pilots,
soldiers and military leaders...
86
00:05:02,947 --> 00:05:05,052
often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.
87
00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:09,694
With the Human Hibernation Project,
we will be able to save our best men...
88
00:05:09,794 --> 00:05:12,609
frozen in their prime,
for use when they are needed most.
89
00:05:12,707 --> 00:05:16,285
Joe, here, is not
one of our best men.
90
00:05:16,387 --> 00:05:20,827
Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.
91
00:05:20,931 --> 00:05:25,404
Extremely average in every
category. Remarkable, truly.
92
00:05:25,506 --> 00:05:28,157
The most average person
in our entire armed forces.
93
00:05:28,259 --> 00:05:30,680
Additionally, he has no family,
is unmarried...
94
00:05:30,787 --> 00:05:32,991
is an only child,
and both parents are deceased...
95
00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:36,603
making him an ideal candidate,
with no one to ask any nosy questions...
96
00:05:36,707 --> 00:05:38,682
should something go wrong
with the experiment.
97
00:05:38,786 --> 00:05:43,161
We had a little less luck in finding a female
researcher's dream within our ranks...
98
00:05:43,267 --> 00:05:47,162
and were forced to look
into the private sector.
99
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:50,583
This is Rita. Like Joe,
she has no immediate family.
100
00:05:50,691 --> 00:05:53,309
Rita agreed to participate
in this experiment...
101
00:05:53,411 --> 00:05:57,305
in exchange for dropping
of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
102
00:05:57,411 --> 00:06:00,956
We did, however, have to come
to an arrangement with her pimp...
103
00:06:01,059 --> 00:06:04,921
a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly...
104
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:10,460
With two D's, as he says,
for a double dose of this pimping.
105
00:06:10,563 --> 00:06:12,702
Upgrayedd agreed
to loan us Rita for exactly one year...
106
00:06:12,802 --> 00:06:15,999
and keep quiet on the matter,
in exchange for certain leeways...
107
00:06:16,099 --> 00:06:19,197
with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.
108
00:06:19,299 --> 00:06:23,292
First, however, there was
the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
109
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:27,067
Collins, could we skip
to the technicals, please?
110
00:06:27,171 --> 00:06:29,375
Sure.
Let me just finish here.
111
00:06:29,474 --> 00:06:33,598
You see, a pimp's love is very different
from that of a square.
112
00:06:33,699 --> 00:06:35,641
Collins!
113
00:06:36,898 --> 00:06:39,265
Fine. We'll move on.
114
00:06:39,363 --> 00:06:42,046
It is a fascinating
world though.
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00:06:54,530 --> 00:06:56,440
Jesus, Collins.
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Yeah, that's...
117
00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:04,572
Anyway, the experiment
in which these two subjects...
118
00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:06,584
are to be placed
into a dry freeze...
119
00:07:06,691 --> 00:07:08,927
for exactly one year
is set to begin tomorrow.
120
00:07:09,026 --> 00:07:11,131
As you know,
this is highly classified.
121
00:07:11,235 --> 00:07:16,156
However, if successful, we believe humans
can be stored indefinitely.
122
00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:25,975
So this is kinda crazy, huh?
123
00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:29,465
- What unit are you with?
- Oh, I ain't in the service.
124
00:07:29,571 --> 00:07:32,320
Oh, private sector.
Okay.
125
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:36,729
- So, uh, what do you do?
- A little of this, a little of that.
126
00:07:36,834 --> 00:07:38,940
Wow, that's great.
127
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,759
You know, I really envy people
that can make a living that way...
128
00:07:41,859 --> 00:07:43,801
doing a little of this
and a little of that.
129
00:07:43,906 --> 00:07:48,511
I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.
He used to make chainsaw sculptures...
130
00:07:48,611 --> 00:07:50,433
and then he'd sell 'em
at the flea market.
131
00:07:50,531 --> 00:07:52,353
Yeah.
132
00:07:54,210 --> 00:07:57,025
So, uh, you an artist
or somethin'?
133
00:07:58,242 --> 00:08:01,057
- Uh, yeah.
- You do paintings or...
134
00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:03,522
- Yeah, paintings.
- Okay, great.
135
00:08:05,059 --> 00:08:07,612
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you paint mostly?
136
00:08:09,187 --> 00:08:13,529
I don't know, just...
people and fruit and shit.
137
00:08:13,635 --> 00:08:18,588
Wow. Well, must be great to be able
to make a living doing something you love.
138
00:08:18,691 --> 00:08:21,211
Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
139
00:08:21,315 --> 00:08:22,908
Who wants to go first?
140
00:08:23,010 --> 00:08:25,399
Me.
141
00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:33,120
What the f... Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.
142
00:08:33,218 --> 00:08:36,764
Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that
with the I. V. s attached and all.
143
00:08:36,867 --> 00:08:39,834
- What's the matter?
- Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me
they'd be putting me...
144
00:08:39,938 --> 00:08:41,946
in no damn coffin
with tubes and shit!
145
00:08:42,050 --> 00:08:44,920
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe. Trust me.
146
00:08:45,026 --> 00:08:46,520
Who's Upgrayedd?
147
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,514
He's my boyfriend.
148
00:08:49,794 --> 00:08:51,682
Man, how do you know
this shit's safe?
149
00:08:51,779 --> 00:08:53,601
These guys know what they're doing.
Don't worry.
150
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,349
They've tested it on dogs
and everything.
151
00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:59,200
What happens is, the drugs will kick in,
we drift off to sleep...
152
00:08:59,298 --> 00:09:01,208
we wake up in a year,
you'll be paintin' again.
153
00:09:01,314 --> 00:09:03,224
- It'll be fine.
- All right.
154
00:09:03,330 --> 00:09:07,072
Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.
Is he Dutch?
155
00:09:08,355 --> 00:09:11,551
See, 'cause I knew this,
uh, Dutch exchange student.
156
00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:13,112
His name was Untgrad.
157
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,161
Okay, my niggas,
we're almost set here.
158
00:09:15,266 --> 00:09:17,950
Just go ahead
and lie down. Relax.
159
00:09:26,851 --> 00:09:28,574
See you in a year.
160
00:09:28,675 --> 00:09:31,228
The Human Hibernation Project...
161
00:09:31,330 --> 00:09:34,232
was one of the army's most
ambitious experiments...
162
00:09:34,339 --> 00:09:37,056
and one of its most secretive.
163
00:09:37,155 --> 00:09:39,489
But it was not immune
from human error.
164
00:09:42,211 --> 00:09:44,033
Freeze!
165
00:09:52,323 --> 00:09:55,901
Soon after Collins's arrest
and the massive scandal that followed...
166
00:09:56,003 --> 00:09:58,653
the base was closed.
167
00:09:58,754 --> 00:10:03,261
It hadn't even been a year,
and the entire project was simply forgotten.
168
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:09,150
Things looked bleak for Joe,
but they were even worse for mankind.
169
00:10:09,251 --> 00:10:12,382
As Joe and Rita lay dormant,
the years passed...
170
00:10:12,483 --> 00:10:16,345
and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.
171
00:10:24,674 --> 00:10:28,318
Some had high hopes
that genetic engineering...
172
00:10:28,418 --> 00:10:30,328
would correct this
trend in evolution.
173
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:33,468
But sadly, the greatest minds
and resources...
174
00:10:33,570 --> 00:10:38,240
were focused on conquering hair loss
and prolonging erections.
175
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:45,922
Meanwhile, the population exploded,
and intelligence continued to decline...
176
00:10:46,019 --> 00:10:50,426
until humanity was incapable
of solving even its most basic problems.
177
00:10:50,531 --> 00:10:55,320
Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever...
178
00:10:55,427 --> 00:11:00,096
leading to the Great Garbage
Avalanche of 2505...
179
00:11:00,194 --> 00:11:05,312
which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.
180
00:11:37,954 --> 00:11:40,605
- Hold on.
- Next, on The Violence Channel...
181
00:11:40,706 --> 00:11:42,845
an all-new Ow! My Balls!
182
00:11:54,818 --> 00:11:58,528
All right.
183
00:12:05,251 --> 00:12:07,640
That guy got hit in the balls.
184
00:12:07,746 --> 00:12:10,168
Ow, my balls!
185
00:12:13,986 --> 00:12:15,809
Huh?
186
00:12:23,234 --> 00:12:25,623
- Where's...
- Hold on. Shut up!
187
00:12:37,570 --> 00:12:39,774
- Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!
188
00:12:39,874 --> 00:12:43,354
Next week on Ow! My Balls!
Hormel goes to Paris!
189
00:12:43,459 --> 00:12:47,998
- Are we on base?
- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.
190
00:12:48,099 --> 00:12:51,394
In your face, ass!
Shut up.
191
00:12:51,491 --> 00:12:53,531
I'm sorry. It's just...
Where am I?
192
00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:55,739
Shut up!
I told you already!
193
00:13:02,659 --> 00:13:05,692
Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!
194
00:13:05,794 --> 00:13:07,387
Come in here
and not shut up.
195
00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:10,905
Yeah, you were like,
"I'm not shuttin'up, "and I was like...
196
00:13:25,474 --> 00:13:27,776
Unaware of what year it was...
197
00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:30,743
Joe wandered the streets,
desperate for help.
198
00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:33,120
But the English language
had deteriorated...
199
00:13:33,219 --> 00:13:38,107
into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.
200
00:13:38,210 --> 00:13:41,506
Joe was able to understand them...
201
00:13:41,602 --> 00:13:44,832
but when he spoke
in an ordinary voice...
202
00:13:44,930 --> 00:13:47,418
he sounded pompous
and faggy to them.
203
00:14:02,978 --> 00:14:06,208
Paging Doc...
204
00:14:09,666 --> 00:14:12,481
Report to, uh...
205
00:14:12,578 --> 00:14:16,801
Dr. Lueboo...
206
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,076
uh, report.
207
00:14:18,178 --> 00:14:20,928
Your floor... Your floor is now clean.
208
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,164
Your floor...
Your floor is now clean.
209
00:14:23,266 --> 00:14:25,535
Your floor...
Your floor is now clean.
210
00:14:25,634 --> 00:14:30,555
Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.
211
00:14:30,658 --> 00:14:33,146
I think it might have been
the drugs they had me on.
212
00:14:33,251 --> 00:14:35,290
I've been hallucinating.
213
00:14:35,394 --> 00:14:37,761
My head is just killin'me.
214
00:14:37,858 --> 00:14:40,760
My-My-My joints
are all achy and I...
215
00:14:42,434 --> 00:14:44,257
Is this a hospital or...
216
00:14:44,354 --> 00:14:48,315
Actually, I don't even know where I am.
217
00:14:48,418 --> 00:14:50,556
Please proceed
to the diagnostic area on the right...
218
00:14:50,658 --> 00:14:54,815
- and have a healthy day!
- Oh. Thanks.
219
00:14:54,914 --> 00:14:56,605
Thank you!
220
00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:11,194
Uh, 'scuse me. I think this
might be Gatorade or somethin'.
221
00:15:11,299 --> 00:15:14,081
- I was just looking for some regular water.
- Water?
222
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:17,081
- Yeah.
- You mean like in the toilet? What for?
223
00:15:17,186 --> 00:15:19,968
You know, just to drink.
224
00:15:27,810 --> 00:15:29,599
You've got hepatitis!
225
00:15:29,698 --> 00:15:32,349
Oh, is someone not
feeling well?
226
00:15:32,450 --> 00:15:35,865
Your illness
is very important to us.
227
00:15:35,970 --> 00:15:38,719
- Next.
- Welcome
to the Healthmaster Inferno...
228
00:15:38,818 --> 00:15:40,760
- powered by Jormi Technology.
- Uh, this goes in your mouth.
229
00:15:40,866 --> 00:15:46,081
This one goes in your ear.
And this one goes in your butt.
230
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:49,884
Come on.
231
00:15:49,986 --> 00:15:52,768
- Hurry up, asshole!
- Come on!
232
00:15:54,499 --> 00:15:56,637
Shit. Hang on a second.
233
00:15:58,339 --> 00:16:00,673
This one... No.
234
00:16:00,770 --> 00:16:02,526
- Hey, come on.
- Uh...
235
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:05,692
- Hurry up!
- This one. This one goes in your mouth.
236
00:16:07,970 --> 00:16:09,792
Come on!
237
00:16:15,106 --> 00:16:18,008
Thank you for waiting.
Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
238
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,014
That's a weird misprint.
239
00:16:27,298 --> 00:16:31,007
Hey.
How's it hang, ese?
240
00:16:31,106 --> 00:16:34,652
Yeah. Right.
Well, not so good, you know.
241
00:16:34,754 --> 00:16:37,624
I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm seein' things.
242
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,512
I think it might be because of
these drugs the army put me on.
243
00:16:40,610 --> 00:16:44,156
But, if you could, uh, just get me
well enough to get back to base...
244
00:16:44,258 --> 00:16:46,811
Right. Kick ass.
245
00:16:46,914 --> 00:16:49,914
Well, don't wanna sound
like a dick or nothin'...
246
00:16:50,018 --> 00:16:52,735
but, uh, it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.
247
00:16:52,834 --> 00:16:56,183
You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.
248
00:16:56,290 --> 00:17:00,480
What I'd do is just like,
like, you know...
249
00:17:00,578 --> 00:17:03,874
like, you know what I mean? Like...
250
00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:08,062
- No, I'm serious here.
- Don't worry, scrot.
251
00:17:08,162 --> 00:17:11,064
Now there are plenty of 'tards
out there living really kick-ass lives.
252
00:17:11,170 --> 00:17:14,399
My first wife was 'tarded.
She's a pilot now.
253
00:17:14,498 --> 00:17:18,207
I need for you to be serious
for a second here, okay? I need help.
254
00:17:18,306 --> 00:17:19,997
There's that fag talk
we talked about.
255
00:17:20,098 --> 00:17:23,775
All right, so that'll be...
this many dollars.
256
00:17:23,874 --> 00:17:27,769
And if you could just go ahead and,
like, put your tattoo in that shit.
257
00:17:27,874 --> 00:17:31,648
That's weird. This thing has the same
misprint as that magazine.
258
00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:35,641
- What are the odds of...
- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?
259
00:17:35,746 --> 00:17:38,397
Why don't you have this?
260
00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:42,816
Oh, God.
261
00:17:45,378 --> 00:17:47,767
- Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.
262
00:17:47,874 --> 00:17:50,241
Why come you don't
have a tattoo?
263
00:17:51,778 --> 00:17:54,712
- Oh, my God!
- You're not unscannable, are you?
264
00:17:55,906 --> 00:17:58,011
Oh, my God!
265
00:17:58,114 --> 00:18:01,409
You're unscannable.
266
00:18:01,506 --> 00:18:04,190
- Unscannable!
- No! No, you don't understand!
267
00:18:04,290 --> 00:18:06,745
You gotta let me talk
to someone in the army! Wait a second.
268
00:18:06,850 --> 00:18:09,567
They're all dead.
Everybody I know's dead!
269
00:18:09,666 --> 00:18:11,324
Oh, my God! Oh!
270
00:18:13,314 --> 00:18:16,347
- No! Stop! Calm down!
- Calm down! Calm down!
271
00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:18,522
- How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?
272
00:18:18,626 --> 00:18:21,725
Your floor is now clean.
273
00:18:21,826 --> 00:18:23,998
Your floor is now clean.
274
00:18:43,554 --> 00:18:47,329
Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.
275
00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:50,525
The economy was
in a state of deep neglect.
276
00:18:50,626 --> 00:18:53,943
A great dust bowl
had ravaged food supplies.
277
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:58,687
And the number one movie
in the country was called Ass.
278
00:19:00,418 --> 00:19:03,418
And that's all it was
for 90 minutes.
279
00:19:03,521 --> 00:19:05,409
280
00:19:05,506 --> 00:19:10,394
It won eight Oscars that year,
including best screenplay.
281
00:19:14,306 --> 00:19:17,273
Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.
282
00:19:17,378 --> 00:19:20,247
You didn't gimme no fries.
I got an empty box.
283
00:19:20,354 --> 00:19:23,071
Would you like another
Extra Big-Ass Fries?
284
00:19:23,170 --> 00:19:24,796
I said I didn't get any.
285
00:19:24,898 --> 00:19:26,686
Thank you. Your account has been charged.
286
00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:28,608
Your balance is zero.
287
00:19:28,706 --> 00:19:32,055
- What? Oh, no. No!
- Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
288
00:19:32,162 --> 00:19:33,984
I'm sorry you're having trouble.
289
00:19:34,082 --> 00:19:36,504
- Come on! My kids are starvin'.
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.
290
00:19:38,914 --> 00:19:41,303
This should
help you calm down.
291
00:19:41,410 --> 00:19:44,160
Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
292
00:19:44,258 --> 00:19:49,244
Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes
no child should go hungry.
293
00:19:49,345 --> 00:19:54,102
You are an unfit mother. Your children
will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
294
00:19:54,210 --> 00:19:57,112
Carl's Jr.
"Fuck you. I'm eating. "
295
00:19:58,402 --> 00:20:00,158
Welcome to Carl's Jr.
296
00:20:00,258 --> 00:20:03,706
Would you like to try
our Extra Big-Ass Taco...
297
00:20:03,810 --> 00:20:06,265
now with more molecules?
298
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:09,240
Hey! Is this particular
individual the unfit mother?
299
00:20:09,346 --> 00:20:13,121
- Me? No.
- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
300
00:20:16,354 --> 00:20:18,525
Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an army experiment.
301
00:20:21,314 --> 00:20:23,802
Wait a second. There's the other pod
from the army experiment.
302
00:20:23,905 --> 00:20:26,077
There was a girl.
She was from the same experiment.
303
00:20:26,178 --> 00:20:29,407
Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.
304
00:20:29,506 --> 00:20:31,448
Joe was arrested for not
paying his hospital bill...
305
00:20:31,554 --> 00:20:34,849
and not having
his U. P. C. tattoo.
306
00:20:34,946 --> 00:20:40,031
He would soon discover that
in the future, justice was not only blind...
307
00:20:40,129 --> 00:20:43,774
but had become
rather retarded as well.
308
00:20:43,874 --> 00:20:46,721
You shut up! Now...
309
00:20:48,354 --> 00:20:50,972
I'm fixin' to commensurate
this trial here.
310
00:20:51,074 --> 00:20:55,514
We gonna see if we can't
come up with a verdict up in here.
311
00:20:55,618 --> 00:20:59,611
Now, since y'all
say you ain't got no money...
312
00:20:59,714 --> 00:21:02,910
we have "proprietarily"
obtained for you...
313
00:21:03,010 --> 00:21:06,687
one of them
court-appointed lawyers.
314
00:21:06,786 --> 00:21:11,608
So, put your hands together
and give it up for Frito Pendejo.
315
00:21:11,713 --> 00:21:13,372
You're my lawyer?
316
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:17,630
Says here you, uh,
robbed a hospital?
317
00:21:17,730 --> 00:21:20,031
- Why'd you do that?
- Yeah. I'm not guilty.
318
00:21:20,130 --> 00:21:22,813
- That's not what the other lawyer said.
- What do you mean what the...
319
00:21:22,914 --> 00:21:24,801
Listen, you gotta get me
on the stand, okay?
320
00:21:24,897 --> 00:21:27,767
I can explain everything. We can take 'em
to your house, show 'em the pod.
321
00:21:27,873 --> 00:21:30,045
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
322
00:21:30,145 --> 00:21:33,441
Now, prosecutor,
why you think he done it?
323
00:21:33,537 --> 00:21:36,439
Okay, number one, Your Honor,
just look at him.
324
00:21:38,978 --> 00:21:41,847
He talks like a fag too.
325
00:21:41,954 --> 00:21:45,499
And "B, " we've got all this,
like, evidence...
326
00:21:45,602 --> 00:21:48,417
of how, like, this guy didn't
even pay at the hospital.
327
00:21:48,514 --> 00:21:51,329
And I heard that he doesn't
even have his tattoo.
328
00:21:51,425 --> 00:21:53,597
I know!
329
00:21:53,697 --> 00:21:57,080
And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me. "
But check this out, man.
330
00:21:57,185 --> 00:21:59,968
Judge should be like, "Guilty. "
Peace.
331
00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:08,029
- Objection!
- What are you objectifyin' on?
332
00:22:08,130 --> 00:22:10,301
- Come on. Just get me on the stand.
- Okay.
333
00:22:11,298 --> 00:22:13,916
- Um, Your Honor?
- Hmm?
334
00:22:14,018 --> 00:22:15,774
I object...
335
00:22:15,873 --> 00:22:19,703
that this guy also broke
my apartment to shit.
336
00:22:19,810 --> 00:22:21,720
- Yeah.
- What?
337
00:22:21,826 --> 00:22:26,169
And you know what else? I object that
he's not gonna have any money to pay me...
338
00:22:26,274 --> 00:22:29,274
after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospital!
339
00:22:29,377 --> 00:22:31,287
Don't say I stole.
You're my lawyer.
340
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:33,248
And I object.
341
00:22:33,346 --> 00:22:37,056
I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!
342
00:22:37,153 --> 00:22:41,431
That is not okay! And I rest my case!
343
00:22:41,538 --> 00:22:43,840
Your Honor, I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.
344
00:22:43,938 --> 00:22:47,167
- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up
your ass, you don't shut up.
345
00:22:47,266 --> 00:22:49,632
- Please, listen.
- "Please, listen. "
346
00:22:49,729 --> 00:22:51,387
I didn't steal anything.
347
00:22:51,490 --> 00:22:53,312
I was part of an army
experiment...
348
00:22:53,410 --> 00:22:56,280
Joe stated his case logically and passionately...
349
00:22:56,386 --> 00:23:01,274
but his perceived effeminate voice
only drew big gales of stupid laughter.
350
00:23:01,378 --> 00:23:02,971
Guilty!
351
00:23:03,073 --> 00:23:07,514
Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.
352
00:23:07,617 --> 00:23:12,124
Meanwhile, Rita had awakened
to find that the world's oldest profession...
353
00:23:12,225 --> 00:23:15,330
was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
354
00:23:15,330 --> 00:23:16,159
was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
355
00:23:16,257 --> 00:23:19,835
Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,
Taco Bell, U. S. Government long distance.
356
00:23:19,938 --> 00:23:22,207
Please say the name
of the person you wish to call.
357
00:23:22,306 --> 00:23:24,062
Upgrayedd.
358
00:23:25,153 --> 00:23:29,528
There are 9, 726 listings
for Upgrayedd.
359
00:23:29,634 --> 00:23:31,805
Please deposit $2,000
to begin connection.
360
00:23:31,906 --> 00:23:33,728
- Man, what?
- Oh, yeah, baby.
361
00:23:33,826 --> 00:23:36,193
Hey, look, can you just...
can you wait a second, please?
362
00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:40,480
Oh, yeah, baby.
I can wait so good.
363
00:23:41,473 --> 00:23:43,328
Really?
364
00:23:44,578 --> 00:23:46,814
Think, uh... You think maybe
you could wait a day?
365
00:23:46,914 --> 00:23:48,954
Baby, I can wait two days.
366
00:23:49,057 --> 00:23:53,433
Huh. That's good,
'cause I charge by the hour.
367
00:23:53,538 --> 00:23:57,313
Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad
you waited, baby.
368
00:23:57,410 --> 00:23:59,232
Thank you very much,
young man.
369
00:24:01,410 --> 00:24:03,003
What the fuck?
370
00:24:03,105 --> 00:24:05,527
Goddamn, shit's changed
in a year.
371
00:24:07,458 --> 00:24:09,280
What are we doin' here?
372
00:24:09,378 --> 00:24:11,767
Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.
373
00:24:14,658 --> 00:24:17,691
Welcome to
the Identity Processing Program of America.
374
00:24:17,793 --> 00:24:22,266
Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.
375
00:24:23,330 --> 00:24:25,152
Thank you.
376
00:24:25,250 --> 00:24:29,047
Please speak your name as it appears
on your current federal identity card...
377
00:24:29,154 --> 00:24:32,416
- Document number G24L8.
- I'm not sure if...
378
00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:36,343
You have entered the name "Not Sure. "
Is this correct, Not Sure?
379
00:24:36,449 --> 00:24:38,272
No, it's not correct.
380
00:24:38,369 --> 00:24:41,817
Thank you. "Not" is correct.
Is "Sure" correct?
381
00:24:41,922 --> 00:24:43,864
No, it's not. My name is Joe...
382
00:24:43,969 --> 00:24:45,725
You've already confirmed
your first name is Not.
383
00:24:45,826 --> 00:24:49,306
- Please confirm your last name, "Sure. "
- My...
384
00:24:49,410 --> 00:24:51,711
My last name is not Sure.
385
00:24:51,809 --> 00:24:54,330
- Thank you, Not Sure.
- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.
386
00:24:54,433 --> 00:24:59,551
Confirmation is complete. Please wait
while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
387
00:25:01,569 --> 00:25:04,286
- Wait a second. Can we start over?
Can I cancel this?
388
00:25:04,385 --> 00:25:06,720
Can we cancel this and just go back
to the beginning?
389
00:25:06,817 --> 00:25:09,916
They're gonna tat...
Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?
390
00:25:10,018 --> 00:25:12,920
- Ow!
- Please hold still for your photograph.
391
00:25:22,050 --> 00:25:24,505
Oh, that's fuckin' great.
392
00:25:26,946 --> 00:25:28,768
Okay, sir...
393
00:25:28,866 --> 00:25:33,022
now we will begin to proceed
to obtain your I. Q. and "apitude" tests.
394
00:25:33,122 --> 00:25:34,977
What for?
395
00:25:35,074 --> 00:25:39,132
Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your "aptude's" good at...
396
00:25:39,234 --> 00:25:44,155
and get you a jail job while
you're being a particular individual in jail.
397
00:25:44,257 --> 00:25:47,072
If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...
398
00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:49,625
and another bucket
that holds five gallons...
399
00:25:49,730 --> 00:25:52,380
how many buckets
do you have?
400
00:25:54,242 --> 00:25:56,064
Two?
401
00:25:56,162 --> 00:25:58,049
Thank you.
402
00:26:36,385 --> 00:26:38,272
'Too.
403
00:26:59,874 --> 00:27:02,427
Desperate and scared...
404
00:27:02,529 --> 00:27:05,213
Joe used his superior
intelligence...
405
00:27:05,313 --> 00:27:08,096
to come up with the best
escape plan he could think of.
406
00:27:08,193 --> 00:27:13,595
Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed
to be getting out of prison today, sir.
407
00:27:14,753 --> 00:27:16,728
Yeah.
408
00:27:16,833 --> 00:27:19,648
You're in the wrong line,
dumb ass. Over there.
409
00:27:19,745 --> 00:27:22,909
I'm sorry. I am being
a big dumb ass. Sorry.
410
00:27:23,010 --> 00:27:24,603
Hey, uh,
let this dumb ass through.
411
00:27:40,961 --> 00:27:43,547
- 'Too.
- Yeah. Got it.
412
00:27:45,858 --> 00:27:51,008
Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.
413
00:27:51,106 --> 00:27:52,928
Could you check again?
414
00:27:53,026 --> 00:27:55,960
'Cause, I was, you know...
I was definitely in prison, okay?
415
00:27:56,065 --> 00:27:59,840
I got sat on my face and everything.
Maybe check those files back there?
416
00:28:06,145 --> 00:28:10,237
"Excape. " "Excape. "
417
00:28:10,337 --> 00:28:12,792
"Excape. " "Excape. "
418
00:28:12,897 --> 00:28:16,509
"Excape. " "Excape. "
419
00:28:33,153 --> 00:28:34,975
The Masturbation Network.
420
00:28:35,073 --> 00:28:38,422
Keepin' America 'batin'
for 300 years.
421
00:28:38,529 --> 00:28:41,115
And now, Sweet Bang Tube.
422
00:28:41,217 --> 00:28:45,789
Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.
423
00:28:45,889 --> 00:28:47,798
Oh, yeah, that's...
424
00:28:47,905 --> 00:28:49,727
Go away! 'Batin'!
425
00:28:51,745 --> 00:28:53,850
Damn it.
426
00:28:53,953 --> 00:28:56,342
All right.
427
00:28:58,273 --> 00:29:01,088
Hey. Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here!
428
00:29:01,186 --> 00:29:05,114
No, wait, listen. You let me,
an innocent man, get thrown in jail.
429
00:29:05,217 --> 00:29:08,446
So? Shut up,
'cause you broke my house.
430
00:29:08,545 --> 00:29:11,360
Hey, I could have you disbarred...
disbarred... for what you did to me.
431
00:29:11,457 --> 00:29:14,010
Then maybe you'd go to jail
for not havin' any money.
432
00:29:14,113 --> 00:29:16,121
Oh, really?
433
00:29:16,225 --> 00:29:19,389
Yeah, really. Now, look.
Okay, here's the deal.
434
00:29:19,489 --> 00:29:21,398
I've been thinking.
It's been 500 years.
435
00:29:21,505 --> 00:29:24,352
Someone has to have invented a way
to travel back in time by now.
436
00:29:24,449 --> 00:29:27,231
You know, I think they were pretty close
even in my day. You know?
437
00:29:27,329 --> 00:29:29,151
- With Einstein and guys like that?
- Uh-huh.
438
00:29:29,249 --> 00:29:31,704
- You know, scientists? You know?
- Uh.
439
00:29:32,993 --> 00:29:34,815
A time machine,
for time travel.
440
00:29:34,913 --> 00:29:37,433
- Do they have one?
- What?
441
00:29:41,569 --> 00:29:45,311
Jesus. I knew that was
too much to hope for.
442
00:29:46,369 --> 00:29:48,409
No, no, they got
a time machine.
443
00:29:48,513 --> 00:29:50,335
- They do?
- Yeah.
444
00:29:50,433 --> 00:29:52,255
- Are-Are-Are you sure?
- Yeah.
445
00:29:52,353 --> 00:29:56,030
- Can it get me back to 2005?
- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.
446
00:29:56,129 --> 00:29:59,228
And it breaks all the time 'cause
some smart guy made it a long time ago.
447
00:29:59,329 --> 00:30:01,402
I don't care.
Just get me there, okay?
448
00:30:01,505 --> 00:30:02,912
- Well...
- Please!
449
00:30:03,009 --> 00:30:06,108
Listen, l... l...
I "supersize" with you...
450
00:30:06,209 --> 00:30:08,860
but didn't you go to jail
for not havin'enough money?
451
00:30:08,961 --> 00:30:12,922
Okay, how about this? You get me
to the time machine, and when I get back...
452
00:30:13,025 --> 00:30:14,935
I open a savings account
in your name.
453
00:30:15,041 --> 00:30:17,463
That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.
454
00:30:17,569 --> 00:30:19,031
- Billions!
- 'Cause?
455
00:30:19,137 --> 00:30:21,854
'Cause of the interest,
it'll be worth billions of dollars.
456
00:30:21,953 --> 00:30:24,408
- Oh, I... I like money.
- Yeah.
457
00:30:24,513 --> 00:30:27,382
- How many billions?
- Like, 10.
458
00:30:27,490 --> 00:30:30,523
Yeah, suck one.
Time machine costs, like, 20.
459
00:30:30,625 --> 00:30:33,308
Yeah? Okay.
Uh, 30, Frito.
460
00:30:33,409 --> 00:30:36,442
Thirty billion dollars.
461
00:30:36,545 --> 00:30:40,800
Thirty billion.
So if you gave me 30 billion...
462
00:30:40,897 --> 00:30:42,806
and the time machine's 20...
463
00:30:42,913 --> 00:30:44,768
What's the minus
of 30 and 20?
464
00:30:44,865 --> 00:30:47,484
Uh, it's, uh...
it's 80, Frito.
465
00:30:47,585 --> 00:30:50,007
It's $80 billion.
That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
466
00:30:50,113 --> 00:30:53,692
- Yeah. I like money though.
- Police! Open the door!
467
00:30:53,793 --> 00:30:55,866
We're looking for an "excaped" individual.
468
00:30:55,969 --> 00:30:59,417
- This particular individual's name is Not Sure.
- Eighty billion.
469
00:30:59,522 --> 00:31:03,351
Oh, um, he...
He's... somewhere else.
470
00:31:03,457 --> 00:31:07,614
- You got something I can wear?
- Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top,
assorted in the middle.
471
00:31:07,713 --> 00:31:09,753
A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.
472
00:31:09,857 --> 00:31:12,508
Seemed to be heading
for this particular "domistile. "
473
00:31:12,610 --> 00:31:14,911
Okay, sir, we're comin'in.
474
00:31:15,009 --> 00:31:17,213
- No, you can't come in.
- Can too!
475
00:31:17,313 --> 00:31:19,287
- Come on!
- All right, let's go get my billions.
476
00:31:21,505 --> 00:31:25,399
Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find
this girl, Rita, first, okay?
477
00:31:25,505 --> 00:31:28,156
- Is she bangin'?
- Yeah, sure, she is.
478
00:31:28,257 --> 00:31:30,079
That wasn't really
part of the deal.
479
00:31:30,177 --> 00:31:33,919
- Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another
couple billion, all right?
- I like money.
480
00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:36,952
Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
She shouldn't be far away, I hope.
481
00:31:37,057 --> 00:31:41,629
Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?
So when we gonna do it?
482
00:31:41,729 --> 00:31:44,925
'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,
and it's been, like, three days.
483
00:31:45,025 --> 00:31:48,855
Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.
Hey, you know what?
484
00:31:48,961 --> 00:31:51,481
Why don't you
come back tomorrow?
485
00:31:51,585 --> 00:31:54,105
- Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!
- Yeah?
486
00:31:54,209 --> 00:31:57,242
When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.
487
00:31:57,345 --> 00:32:00,661
That's right.
Whatever you say, sir.
488
00:32:00,769 --> 00:32:03,136
- Hey, you still on the clock!
- Yeah, girl.
489
00:32:03,233 --> 00:32:06,233
- Thank you!
- Rita!
490
00:32:06,337 --> 00:32:10,046
Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
Get in the car! Come on.
491
00:32:10,145 --> 00:32:12,349
Oh, yeah!
What the hell, man?
492
00:32:12,449 --> 00:32:14,271
Just get in the car.
I'll explain everything.
493
00:32:14,369 --> 00:32:16,758
- Where we going?
- Just get in the car.
494
00:32:16,865 --> 00:32:18,938
- Trust me.
- What happened to those army guys?
495
00:32:21,697 --> 00:32:24,086
Wait a minute. You got cops after you?
496
00:32:24,193 --> 00:32:27,674
- Yeah.
- And you made me get in the car?
I got two strikes, asshole!
497
00:32:27,777 --> 00:32:30,144
Frito, take a right here.
Right, right!
498
00:32:30,241 --> 00:32:32,128
Into that dust storm,
Frito.
499
00:32:38,049 --> 00:32:40,024
They must have just forgotten about us.
500
00:32:40,129 --> 00:32:43,390
It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!
501
00:32:43,489 --> 00:32:47,515
Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money!
502
00:32:47,617 --> 00:32:49,624
So, you owe
your boyfriend money?
503
00:32:49,729 --> 00:32:52,118
Well, yeah,
he's sort of my manager too.
504
00:32:52,225 --> 00:32:55,869
You know, he helps me sell
the paintings and shit.
505
00:32:55,969 --> 00:33:01,087
Look, Rita, you gotta understand that
Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.
506
00:33:01,185 --> 00:33:03,869
- Yeah, man, but you said there
was a time machine, right?
- Yeah.
507
00:33:03,969 --> 00:33:07,352
Yeah, there's a time machine
now that can take us back to the past...
508
00:33:07,457 --> 00:33:09,759
but there was no
time machine back then, so...
509
00:33:09,857 --> 00:33:12,672
Upgrayedd don't care where
the time machine is. Now, then, last week...
510
00:33:12,769 --> 00:33:15,616
He will find a way
to come get his money!
511
00:33:15,713 --> 00:33:18,680
- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it...
- You know what?
512
00:33:18,785 --> 00:33:21,240
Last time you told me not to worry
was 500 goddamn years ago...
513
00:33:21,345 --> 00:33:23,614
when you were trying to tell me
to get into some coffin.
514
00:33:23,713 --> 00:33:25,623
- Look, Rita, I don't know
how this happened, okay?
515
00:33:25,729 --> 00:33:28,893
But I'm doing everything I can
to get us back there, okay? I promise you.
516
00:33:28,993 --> 00:33:32,408
You are harboring
a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
517
00:33:32,513 --> 00:33:35,994
Please, pull over and wait for the police
to incarcerate your passenger.
518
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:38,879
- Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.
- Thank you for your help.
519
00:33:38,977 --> 00:33:41,116
If you don't have one of these,
they're gonna throw you in jail.
520
00:33:41,217 --> 00:33:44,086
You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.
I've been in them.
521
00:33:44,193 --> 00:33:46,811
They're bad. You're better off being with us,
as bad as that sounds.
522
00:33:46,913 --> 00:33:50,743
- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?
- Turned off my battery.
523
00:33:55,009 --> 00:33:58,325
Look, how far is it?
Can we just take a cab or something?
524
00:34:02,017 --> 00:34:03,228
Oh, shit.
525
00:34:10,849 --> 00:34:13,369
Oh! Oh, shit!
526
00:34:13,473 --> 00:34:15,612
Yeah!
527
00:34:15,713 --> 00:34:18,877
What the hell's wrong
with you? That's your car.
528
00:34:20,033 --> 00:34:23,611
Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!
529
00:34:23,713 --> 00:34:25,436
Come on!
Let's get out of here.
530
00:34:34,529 --> 00:34:36,438
Hey, how much farther is it?
531
00:34:37,697 --> 00:34:40,414
Uh, it's, like, far.
532
00:34:40,513 --> 00:34:43,808
Man, I could really
go for a Starbucks, you know?
533
00:34:43,905 --> 00:34:47,320
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time
for a hand job, Joe.
534
00:34:52,865 --> 00:34:55,734
Man, he don't seem too bright.
You sure he knows where he's going?
535
00:34:55,841 --> 00:34:57,946
I sure hope so.
He's our only chance.
536
00:34:58,049 --> 00:35:01,432
How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?
537
00:35:01,537 --> 00:35:05,628
He's my lawyer.
And he's not a very good one either.
538
00:35:05,729 --> 00:35:08,184
He's a goddamned idiot.
539
00:35:08,289 --> 00:35:12,893
There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
It'll drop us right by the time machine.
540
00:35:30,433 --> 00:35:33,979
Jesus Christ.
Oh, look. One more thing.
541
00:35:34,081 --> 00:35:37,343
He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars
if he takes us there.
542
00:35:37,441 --> 00:35:41,402
So if he mentions anything about
a savings account, just play along, okay?
543
00:35:41,505 --> 00:35:43,327
Yeah, what if this
time machine don't work?
544
00:35:43,425 --> 00:35:46,589
Then I'll spend
the rest of my life trying to fix it.
545
00:35:51,168 --> 00:35:56,471
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
546
00:35:57,537 --> 00:35:59,806
Welcome to Costco.
I love you.
547
00:36:01,824 --> 00:36:05,469
Shuttle's down there in electronics,
about an hour from here.
548
00:36:13,089 --> 00:36:15,326
We've been walking forever.
You sure you know where you're going?
549
00:36:15,425 --> 00:36:18,773
Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.
550
00:36:18,881 --> 00:36:20,736
In Costco?
551
00:36:20,833 --> 00:36:23,134
Yeah. I couldn't
believe it myself.
552
00:36:23,233 --> 00:36:26,746
Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
and pulled some strings.
553
00:36:28,129 --> 00:36:30,812
Hey, come on, Joe.
I already told you...
554
00:36:30,913 --> 00:36:33,880
we'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.
555
00:36:43,233 --> 00:36:45,055
Hey, baby, wanna go out?
556
00:36:45,153 --> 00:36:47,608
Wanna go out, honey?
557
00:36:54,049 --> 00:36:56,569
Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.
558
00:36:56,673 --> 00:37:00,251
Do I got time to use the bathroom?
559
00:37:02,369 --> 00:37:04,954
- Uh, the toilet.
- Be right back.
560
00:37:05,825 --> 00:37:08,192
Yeah,
back that thing up.
561
00:37:08,289 --> 00:37:10,493
- Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
- What?
562
00:37:10,592 --> 00:37:12,348
- I like having sex with chicks.
- Yeah?
563
00:37:12,449 --> 00:37:14,271
- Yeah.
- I think everybody does, Frito.
564
00:37:14,369 --> 00:37:17,598
Not like I do. Like when you
get it like this, sideways.
565
00:37:17,697 --> 00:37:20,118
Then you just, like,
back it up. And then you...
566
00:37:20,225 --> 00:37:22,330
- That's real good.
- Then you... Oh, yeah!
567
00:37:22,433 --> 00:37:24,440
Stop! You're gonna
get us caught, okay?
568
00:37:24,544 --> 00:37:26,367
Warning! Warning!
569
00:37:26,464 --> 00:37:28,886
Costco has detected a dangerous
fugitive in aisle 16, 702.
570
00:37:28,992 --> 00:37:31,327
Hey! What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.
571
00:37:31,425 --> 00:37:33,563
I don't care.
Come on!
572
00:37:33,665 --> 00:37:37,855
Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?
573
00:37:37,953 --> 00:37:39,808
Wait, okay, I know.
Here's what we do.
574
00:37:39,904 --> 00:37:42,555
We go to the time machine,
then when I get back to the past...
575
00:37:42,657 --> 00:37:44,512
I tell her not
to do the experiment.
576
00:37:44,609 --> 00:37:46,714
- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?
- Uh...
577
00:37:46,817 --> 00:37:48,705
- No, wait.
Please stand clear of the doors.
578
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:51,484
She already is here. That must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?
579
00:37:51,585 --> 00:37:54,651
- Uh...
- No, wait, hold on. It just
means I haven't done it yet.
580
00:37:54,752 --> 00:37:57,436
Okay, so I go back and I tell
her not to do the experiment.
581
00:37:57,536 --> 00:37:59,992
Then I won't have to do it either
because she won't be here.
582
00:38:00,097 --> 00:38:02,399
- Then I won't have to
come back and save her, right?
- l...
583
00:38:02,497 --> 00:38:05,050
- But then, wait. Why am I still here?
- Uh...
584
00:38:05,153 --> 00:38:07,040
Goddamn, how does
this time travel work?
585
00:38:07,136 --> 00:38:10,846
- Please stand clear.
- Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!
586
00:38:10,945 --> 00:38:13,530
- Put your hands up!
- Don't move! Freeze!
587
00:38:23,265 --> 00:38:26,199
Look, if you guys are
taking me back to that jail...
588
00:38:26,305 --> 00:38:28,923
just go ahead and shoot me,
'cause there's no way...
589
00:38:29,025 --> 00:38:32,156
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
590
00:38:32,257 --> 00:38:36,566
- What?
- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.
591
00:38:38,625 --> 00:38:40,763
- Ow! God! Hey, stop!
- Damn it.
592
00:38:42,625 --> 00:38:46,170
- What is this?
- Okay, sir, this is the White House.
593
00:38:46,273 --> 00:38:48,477
- What are we doing at the White House?
- What?
594
00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:50,780
Ow! Ow! Goddamn!
595
00:38:50,881 --> 00:38:54,197
It turned out the results
of Joe's I. Q. test...
596
00:38:54,305 --> 00:38:58,233
had caught the attention
of the highest levels of government.
597
00:38:58,337 --> 00:39:02,330
Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy
in the world? Says who?
598
00:39:02,433 --> 00:39:04,440
The I. Q. test you
took in prison.
599
00:39:04,545 --> 00:39:07,195
You got the highest score in history.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
600
00:39:07,297 --> 00:39:10,079
Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter
than President Camacho.
601
00:39:10,177 --> 00:39:12,828
That's how come he's making
you secretary of interior.
602
00:39:12,928 --> 00:39:14,816
Okay, so who are you?
603
00:39:14,913 --> 00:39:16,571
I'm the secretary of energy.
604
00:39:16,673 --> 00:39:19,225
He won a contest.
Got to be a cabinet member.
605
00:39:19,329 --> 00:39:22,973
I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
606
00:39:23,072 --> 00:39:26,203
- Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.
607
00:39:26,304 --> 00:39:30,014
It's a really good way to make money.
You're so smart, why don't you know that?
608
00:39:31,712 --> 00:39:34,167
- He's the secretary of defense.
- Hi.
609
00:39:34,273 --> 00:39:37,120
And, uh, funbags over there
is the attorney general.
610
00:39:37,217 --> 00:39:39,454
Hi.
611
00:39:39,552 --> 00:39:41,625
And that's
the secretary of education.
612
00:39:43,617 --> 00:39:46,846
He's kinda stupid, but he's
President Camacho's stepbrother.
613
00:39:46,945 --> 00:39:49,083
Still, he does
a pretty good job, eh?
614
00:39:49,185 --> 00:39:52,600
You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake...
615
00:39:52,705 --> 00:39:56,021
'cause the test I took
was real, real easy.
616
00:39:56,128 --> 00:39:59,958
I'm not the smartest guy
in the world. Okay?
617
00:40:04,097 --> 00:40:07,894
Okay, even if that were true,
I can't be the secretary of the interior.
618
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:11,317
- I don't even know what it is.
- You better find out.
619
00:40:11,424 --> 00:40:14,174
- Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo...
620
00:40:14,272 --> 00:40:18,069
I gotta take care of some "bidness, " baby,
so I need y'all to wait outside.
621
00:40:18,177 --> 00:40:22,912
Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,
five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...
622
00:40:23,008 --> 00:40:26,805
porn superstar, and president
of the United States...
623
00:40:26,913 --> 00:40:30,174
had called a special summit
with the smartest man in the world.
624
00:40:30,272 --> 00:40:32,792
- So you smart, huh?
- No, no.
625
00:40:36,096 --> 00:40:39,130
I thought your head would be bigger.
626
00:40:41,985 --> 00:40:44,025
Goddamn.
627
00:40:44,128 --> 00:40:46,397
It look like a peanut.
628
00:40:46,496 --> 00:40:48,351
Let's get you sworn in.
629
00:41:02,624 --> 00:41:05,853
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!
630
00:41:09,313 --> 00:41:11,680
President Camacho!
631
00:41:12,672 --> 00:41:15,323
Shut up.
632
00:41:15,425 --> 00:41:19,319
Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.
633
00:41:19,425 --> 00:41:20,919
Chill out.
634
00:41:24,992 --> 00:41:26,366
Shit.
635
00:41:28,577 --> 00:41:31,610
I know shit's bad right now
with all that starvin' bullshit.
636
00:41:31,712 --> 00:41:33,377
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
637
00:41:33,377 --> 00:41:36,094
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
638
00:41:36,193 --> 00:41:37,753
Yeah!
639
00:41:37,857 --> 00:41:40,639
- But I got a solution.
- That's what you said last time, dipshit!
640
00:41:40,737 --> 00:41:42,559
I got a solution.
You're a dick!
641
00:41:42,657 --> 00:41:45,144
South Carolina, "whassup?"
642
00:41:52,288 --> 00:41:55,387
That's what I thought!
643
00:41:58,081 --> 00:42:01,212
Now, I understand everyone's
shit's emotional right now...
644
00:42:01,313 --> 00:42:03,734
but listen up.
645
00:42:03,841 --> 00:42:06,492
I got a three-point plan
to fix everything.
646
00:42:06,592 --> 00:42:08,021
Break it down, Camacho!
647
00:42:08,129 --> 00:42:13,115
Number one,
we got this guy, Not Sure.
648
00:42:13,216 --> 00:42:17,853
- Number two, he's got a higher
I. Q. than any man alive.
649
00:42:17,952 --> 00:42:22,076
And number three, he's gonna fix everything.
650
00:42:22,177 --> 00:42:25,275
I give you my word
as president.
651
00:42:25,376 --> 00:42:27,798
He'll fix the problems
with all the dead crops.
652
00:42:27,904 --> 00:42:30,206
He's gonna
make 'em grow again.
653
00:42:30,305 --> 00:42:35,061
- Crops?
- And that ain't all. I give you my word.
654
00:42:37,056 --> 00:42:39,991
He's gonna fix
the dust storms too.
655
00:42:41,664 --> 00:42:44,152
I give you my word.
656
00:42:44,257 --> 00:42:47,639
He's gonna
fix the "ecomony. "
657
00:42:49,665 --> 00:42:52,316
And he's so smart...
658
00:42:52,416 --> 00:42:57,402
he's gonna do it all in one week.
659
00:42:57,504 --> 00:43:00,919
President Camacho stood before
the world and promised everyone...
660
00:43:01,025 --> 00:43:04,472
that Joe would solve
all their problems.
661
00:43:04,577 --> 00:43:08,570
He would not only end the dust bow!
and heal the economy...
662
00:43:08,672 --> 00:43:11,192
but he would cure acne
and carsickness as well.
663
00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:13,468
And if he didn't...
664
00:43:13,569 --> 00:43:15,958
President Camacho
made another promise.
665
00:43:16,064 --> 00:43:19,545
He would kick Joe's smart balls
all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.
666
00:43:19,648 --> 00:43:23,642
- And then, he would throw
his brainy ass back in jail.
667
00:43:27,872 --> 00:43:29,977
I should, uh, be honest
with you, Mr. President.
668
00:43:30,081 --> 00:43:32,121
I don't know how to be
secretary of anything.
669
00:43:32,224 --> 00:43:33,631
I mean, I've never
even voted, actually.
670
00:43:33,729 --> 00:43:36,412
I don't know what the secretary
of the interior even is.
671
00:43:36,512 --> 00:43:40,985
Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.
It beats jail, don't it?
672
00:43:41,088 --> 00:43:45,245
Besides,
you do a kick-ass job...
673
00:43:45,345 --> 00:43:47,483
you get a full
presidential pardon.
674
00:43:47,584 --> 00:43:49,406
- No jail time.
- Yeah?
675
00:43:49,504 --> 00:43:52,984
Fuck, yeah!
Now gimme a beer.
676
00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:55,063
And get you one too.
677
00:44:00,705 --> 00:44:02,647
Shit!
678
00:44:02,752 --> 00:44:05,119
Hold on, vato!
679
00:44:05,216 --> 00:44:06,874
Whoo!
680
00:44:26,625 --> 00:44:28,665
- Do somethin' smart.
- Yeah.
681
00:44:29,984 --> 00:44:33,465
Uh, okay.
Uh...
682
00:44:33,568 --> 00:44:36,503
I'll, uh...
683
00:44:36,608 --> 00:44:40,023
- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.
684
00:44:40,128 --> 00:44:44,917
Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,
confer with my counsel.
685
00:44:45,024 --> 00:44:46,812
You understand?
So I'll be right back.
686
00:44:46,912 --> 00:44:50,141
Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,
get that taken care of.
687
00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:54,713
- Hopefully get it worked out
by the time we get back here.
- Sounds pretty smart.
688
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:56,704
Wait here, okay?
Wait there.
689
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:59,517
Dude, this is trepidatious.
You got me a room at the White House.
690
00:44:59,617 --> 00:45:01,504
Everyone gets laid at the White House.
Everyone.
691
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:03,160
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
692
00:45:03,264 --> 00:45:06,559
I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,
but I brought you here to help me.
693
00:45:06,656 --> 00:45:09,209
I don't know the first thing
about growin' crops...
694
00:45:09,312 --> 00:45:11,451
much less
the goddamn "ecomony. "
695
00:45:11,552 --> 00:45:13,407
Econ-Economy.
696
00:45:13,504 --> 00:45:16,319
Let's see.
Growin' crops...
697
00:45:16,416 --> 00:45:19,929
No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.
698
00:45:20,033 --> 00:45:24,026
Oh, that's easy.
You go down by the museum and stuff.
699
00:45:24,129 --> 00:45:26,071
It's, like...
It's, like, by the museum...
700
00:45:26,176 --> 00:45:28,664
sort of, but, well,
actually, not really.
701
00:45:28,769 --> 00:45:33,111
More like... But on the street. You go, um...
Wait. Let me start over.
702
00:45:33,217 --> 00:45:35,005
Okay, you know
where the time machine is?
703
00:45:35,104 --> 00:45:37,951
Hey. Just draw me
a map, okay?
704
00:45:38,048 --> 00:45:40,569
You still want the money?
705
00:45:40,672 --> 00:45:43,389
Oh. If I had some money
and a room at the White House...
706
00:45:43,488 --> 00:45:48,190
- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"
- Listen. Cut it out!
707
00:45:48,288 --> 00:45:50,971
Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?
708
00:45:51,072 --> 00:45:53,211
- So act smart!
- Smart like you?
709
00:45:53,312 --> 00:45:56,661
"Oh, I gotta go
to the time machine. I wanna go home. "
710
00:45:56,769 --> 00:45:59,452
- I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that. "
711
00:45:59,552 --> 00:46:01,407
Shit, I thought
there was two of you.
712
00:46:01,504 --> 00:46:03,228
See?
713
00:46:03,329 --> 00:46:05,784
Doesn't look that big, is it?
714
00:46:05,888 --> 00:46:08,888
Okay. Let's go take a look
at those crops.
715
00:46:08,993 --> 00:46:12,822
Especially the ones, uh, you know,
out around the museum area.
716
00:46:14,368 --> 00:46:16,954
All right?
Hey, come on!
717
00:46:18,816 --> 00:46:23,191
Now, you either lead, follow,
or get out of the way. All right?
718
00:46:23,297 --> 00:46:26,493
Whoa.
Did you just make that up?
719
00:46:26,592 --> 00:46:29,407
Yes, I did.
Now look...
720
00:46:29,505 --> 00:46:31,992
I also need help finding this girl named Rita,
like, immediately...
721
00:46:32,096 --> 00:46:34,398
- and Frito will give you a hand with it.
- Why?
722
00:46:36,064 --> 00:46:40,985
Well, because, uh, you know,
she'd be an essential... integral... asset...
723
00:46:41,088 --> 00:46:45,692
you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.
724
00:46:52,064 --> 00:46:54,846
Utilize her!
Utilize her!
725
00:46:54,944 --> 00:46:56,951
Utilize!
726
00:46:57,056 --> 00:46:59,991
Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?
727
00:47:00,096 --> 00:47:02,682
Oh, yeah.
Butt first!
728
00:47:04,736 --> 00:47:07,328
- Utilize her!
- Okay.
729
00:47:12,736 --> 00:47:15,965
Dang! May I approach
your benches?
730
00:47:21,344 --> 00:47:23,865
Uh, yeah.
This sucks pretty bad.
731
00:47:23,968 --> 00:47:26,685
Frito, why don't you come over here and,
uh, take a look at this?
732
00:47:26,784 --> 00:47:30,079
Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.
733
00:47:30,176 --> 00:47:33,821
See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
Have you got the map?
734
00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:35,808
- Oh, yeah.
- Discreetly.
735
00:47:39,968 --> 00:47:42,619
- It's right there.
- I see it. I see it.
736
00:47:42,721 --> 00:47:45,176
Stand up with me.
737
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,990
Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.
They found that whore you wanted.
738
00:47:49,089 --> 00:47:51,958
Hey, that may be how you refer
to women in the future, but come on.
739
00:47:52,064 --> 00:47:56,156
No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy
a lotta money and didn't put out.
740
00:47:56,256 --> 00:47:58,166
Don't worry though.
We'll get her out...
741
00:47:58,272 --> 00:48:01,436
on a work-release whorin' license
as long as you're doin' her.
742
00:48:01,536 --> 00:48:04,602
Get your hands off me. What do you think
I'm gonna do, run through the field?
743
00:48:04,704 --> 00:48:06,940
What the fuck
are you all starin' at?
744
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:08,982
- Joe?
- That's Not Sure, ma'am.
745
00:48:09,088 --> 00:48:12,831
- Secretary Not Sure.
- Secretary? Secretary of what?
746
00:48:12,928 --> 00:48:17,336
Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone?
747
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:21,662
You know,
in the bushes?
748
00:48:23,328 --> 00:48:25,183
Oh, man.
749
00:48:33,408 --> 00:48:36,823
- Fuck her, Joe!
- Hey, you want us to come along,
make sure she puts out?
750
00:48:36,928 --> 00:48:38,870
No, thanks.
I can handle it. Yeah.
751
00:48:38,976 --> 00:48:42,075
I thought you was in jail.
How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
752
00:48:42,176 --> 00:48:44,380
Just keep walking.
I'll explain everything.
753
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:54,688
Okay.
Get ready to run.
754
00:48:57,056 --> 00:48:59,576
- What?
- Oh, goddamn it.
755
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:02,363
Way to go, Frito. You know what?
Just make a run for it anyways.
756
00:49:02,464 --> 00:49:04,319
We'll ask for directions
on the way.
757
00:49:04,416 --> 00:49:07,450
No way. I spent the last two days
looking for it. It ain't easy to find.
758
00:49:07,552 --> 00:49:10,400
Damn it. I can't go back to jail,
and I sure can't solve these problems.
759
00:49:10,496 --> 00:49:13,496
All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd
before he finds me.
760
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:16,829
Listen to me. Upgrayedd
cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!
761
00:49:16,928 --> 00:49:19,546
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...
762
00:49:19,648 --> 00:49:21,557
could somehow magically
travel through time...
763
00:49:21,664 --> 00:49:24,959
we got secret service guys with huge guns
protecting us, okay?
764
00:49:25,056 --> 00:49:26,878
So don't worry.
You're safe.
765
00:49:26,976 --> 00:49:30,009
And you know what? It's none of my business,
but when we get back...
766
00:49:30,112 --> 00:49:32,632
you and Upgrayedd should seriously think
about couples counseling, okay?
767
00:49:32,736 --> 00:49:36,991
And you should also think about maybe finding
an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
768
00:49:37,088 --> 00:49:41,016
Hey!
She's not puttin' out?
769
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:45,081
Uh, no, she is.
We, uh... We already did it.
770
00:49:45,184 --> 00:49:47,573
Yeah. He was great.
771
00:49:49,696 --> 00:49:53,209
Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wonderin', uh...
772
00:49:53,312 --> 00:49:55,199
if we'd go family-style
on her.
773
00:49:57,632 --> 00:50:00,948
Uh, yeah,
probably not right now.
774
00:50:01,056 --> 00:50:04,373
We should focus on the crops.
So let's get back to work. Maybe later.
775
00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:12,826
What the hell is this?
776
00:50:15,616 --> 00:50:19,326
- Tastes like Gatorade.
- Is that that Brawndo stuff?
777
00:50:19,424 --> 00:50:23,002
They're watering crops
with a sports drink?
778
00:50:24,608 --> 00:50:27,227
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator
had come to replace water...
779
00:50:27,328 --> 00:50:29,401
virtually everywhere.
780
00:50:29,504 --> 00:50:31,609
Water, the basic component
of all life...
781
00:50:31,712 --> 00:50:34,581
had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.
782
00:50:34,688 --> 00:50:38,037
The solution came during
the budget crisis of 2330...
783
00:50:38,144 --> 00:50:42,781
when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the F. D. A...
784
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:44,287
and the F. C. C...
785
00:50:44,384 --> 00:50:46,522
enabling them to say,
do and sell...
786
00:50:46,624 --> 00:50:48,446
anything they wanted.
787
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:55,800
Joe didn't know
any of this...
788
00:50:55,904 --> 00:50:59,733
but he did see a problem
that he might actually be able to solve.
789
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:04,215
- With his options running out,
Joe took a bold step.
790
00:51:04,320 --> 00:51:06,360
He would not
get out of the way.
791
00:51:06,464 --> 00:51:09,213
This time, he would lead.
792
00:51:09,312 --> 00:51:11,254
For the last time,
I'm pretty sure...
793
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:14,207
what's killing the crops
is this Brawndo stuff.
794
00:51:14,304 --> 00:51:16,955
But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.
795
00:51:17,056 --> 00:51:19,031
So wait a minute.
What you're saying...
796
00:51:19,136 --> 00:51:22,780
is that you want us
to put water on the crops.
797
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:25,782
- Yes.
- Water. Like out the toilet?
798
00:51:25,888 --> 00:51:29,718
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be
out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.
799
00:51:29,824 --> 00:51:33,021
- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.
800
00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:35,008
Okay, look.
801
00:51:35,104 --> 00:51:38,453
The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure
that the Brawndo's not working.
802
00:51:38,560 --> 00:51:43,033
Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know
that if you put water on plants, they grow.
803
00:51:43,136 --> 00:51:46,681
Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.
804
00:51:46,784 --> 00:51:49,915
Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?
805
00:51:50,016 --> 00:51:53,813
- You wanna solve this problem.
I wanna get my pardon.
806
00:51:53,920 --> 00:51:57,717
So why don't we just try it, okay,
and not worry about what plants crave?
807
00:51:57,824 --> 00:52:00,191
Brawndo's got
what plants crave.
808
00:52:00,288 --> 00:52:02,710
- Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
809
00:52:02,816 --> 00:52:05,150
What are electrolytes?
Do you even know?
810
00:52:05,248 --> 00:52:07,899
It's what they use
to make Brawndo.
811
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:10,520
Yeah, but why do they
use them to make Brawndo?
812
00:52:10,624 --> 00:52:13,079
'Cause Brawndo's
got electrolytes.
813
00:52:15,968 --> 00:52:20,224
After several hours,
Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...
814
00:52:20,319 --> 00:52:23,254
and simply told the cabinet
that he could talk to plants...
815
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,880
and that they wanted water.
816
00:52:26,944 --> 00:52:29,180
He made believers
out of everyone.
817
00:52:29,280 --> 00:52:32,695
Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...
818
00:52:32,799 --> 00:52:36,596
were salts that had been
building up in the topsoil over the decades...
819
00:52:36,704 --> 00:52:39,322
killing plants
and leading to the dust bowl.
820
00:52:39,424 --> 00:52:44,923
As secretary of the interior,
Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...
821
00:52:45,023 --> 00:52:49,944
promising that, over time, plants would grow
and the dust bowl would end.
822
00:52:50,048 --> 00:52:53,910
He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.
823
00:52:54,016 --> 00:52:57,016
Or so it seemed.
824
00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:01,822
Man, I hope somethin'
grows fast.
825
00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:03,829
Yeah. So we can haul
our ass back home.
826
00:53:03,936 --> 00:53:07,383
Man. You really think those people
would have starved to death?
827
00:53:08,864 --> 00:53:13,304
I don't know. I mean, how did the world
ever get like this?
828
00:53:13,408 --> 00:53:17,118
You know things are bad
when they're comin' to me for answers.
829
00:53:17,215 --> 00:53:19,866
- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
- Mm-hmm.
830
00:53:19,968 --> 00:53:22,107
- I'm not used to it.
- Yeah. Me neither.
831
00:53:24,736 --> 00:53:28,314
You think Einstein walked around thinkin'
everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
832
00:53:28,416 --> 00:53:30,871
Yeah.
Hadn't thought of that.
833
00:53:30,976 --> 00:53:34,937
- Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Yeah.
834
00:53:37,248 --> 00:53:39,353
Hey, Joe, listen.
Those cops...
835
00:53:39,456 --> 00:53:41,627
- Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.
- No. No.
836
00:53:41,728 --> 00:53:44,630
They said that
you got me a pardon.
837
00:53:44,736 --> 00:53:47,638
You know, if you hadn't done that,
I'd still be in jail right now, so...
838
00:53:48,895 --> 00:53:51,416
I guess I owe you one.
839
00:53:53,536 --> 00:53:56,951
You know, you don't have to sleep
on the floor if you don't want to.
840
00:53:58,304 --> 00:54:02,297
Oh. No. I'm...
I'm all right. Yeah.
841
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:06,294
Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd
would be too happy about that.
842
00:54:06,400 --> 00:54:07,993
You in bed with a stranger.
843
00:54:09,663 --> 00:54:11,835
Yeah.
844
00:54:14,624 --> 00:54:16,380
I know. I know.
845
00:54:18,399 --> 00:54:23,189
Yeah. Oh, boy.
846
00:54:30,816 --> 00:54:33,271
Oh, shit.
It's Upgrayedd.
847
00:54:33,376 --> 00:54:35,710
Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.
848
00:54:35,808 --> 00:54:38,012
Given enough time,
Joe's plan might have worked.
849
00:54:38,111 --> 00:54:40,348
But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero...
850
00:54:40,448 --> 00:54:42,782
leaving half the population
unemployed...
851
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:46,425
dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,
rioting and looting...
852
00:54:46,528 --> 00:54:48,383
and screaming
for Joe's head.
853
00:54:48,480 --> 00:54:51,065
An emergency cabinet meeting
was called...
854
00:54:51,168 --> 00:54:53,404
with the C. E. O.
of the Brawndo Corporation.
855
00:54:53,504 --> 00:54:55,871
How come nobody's buying
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?
856
00:54:55,968 --> 00:54:58,237
Aw, shit. Half the country
works for Brawndo.
857
00:54:58,336 --> 00:55:00,986
Not anymore!
The stock has dropped to zero...
858
00:55:01,088 --> 00:55:03,161
and the computer did
that auto-layoff thing to everybody.
859
00:55:03,263 --> 00:55:05,718
- We're all unemployed!
- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?
860
00:55:05,824 --> 00:55:09,719
- Why is this happening?
- I think it's because we switched to water, but...
861
00:55:09,824 --> 00:55:12,213
- You mean this is all your fault?
- What?
862
00:55:12,319 --> 00:55:15,996
Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started
happening when we switched to water!
863
00:55:16,096 --> 00:55:19,838
Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you
by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
864
00:55:22,463 --> 00:55:24,187
Fox News.
865
00:55:27,296 --> 00:55:30,230
He tried taking water
from toilets...
866
00:55:30,336 --> 00:55:34,111
but it's Secretary Not Sure
who finds himself in the toilet now.
867
00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:36,030
And as history
pulls down its pants...
868
00:55:36,128 --> 00:55:39,259
and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head...
869
00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:43,189
it will be Daddy Justice
who will be crapping on him this time.
870
00:55:43,295 --> 00:55:47,322
We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...
871
00:55:47,423 --> 00:55:51,133
at the Extreme Court
with highlights on today's trial.
872
00:55:53,536 --> 00:55:57,562
Thank you, Velveeta.
Well, it started off boring and slow...
873
00:55:57,664 --> 00:56:01,079
with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone
with a bunch of smart talk.
874
00:56:01,183 --> 00:56:05,112
Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!
875
00:56:05,215 --> 00:56:07,125
That part of the trial sucked.
876
00:56:07,231 --> 00:56:09,784
But then, the chief "J"
just went off.
877
00:56:09,888 --> 00:56:11,830
He said, "Man, whatever.
878
00:56:11,935 --> 00:56:14,423
The guy's guilty as shit.
We all know that. "
879
00:56:14,528 --> 00:56:18,139
And he sentenced his ass
to one night of Rehabilitation.
880
00:56:18,240 --> 00:56:20,695
Hey, rehabilitation?
One night?
881
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:22,622
Doesn't sound so bad.
882
00:56:22,720 --> 00:56:24,508
Not so bad, huh?
883
00:56:24,608 --> 00:56:27,739
Here's some highlights
from last week's Rehabilitation.
884
00:56:38,271 --> 00:56:41,239
And who could forget that wonderful finish...
885
00:56:41,343 --> 00:56:43,732
by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?
886
00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:47,385
And tomorrow night looks even more better.
887
00:56:47,488 --> 00:56:51,711
Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.
888
00:56:51,807 --> 00:56:54,393
Wow. Thank you, Formica.
889
00:56:55,808 --> 00:56:58,677
So you think you can escape again
like you did last time?
890
00:56:58,783 --> 00:57:01,467
- No. They pretty much fixed that.
- How?
891
00:57:01,568 --> 00:57:03,739
They chained me
to a big rock.
892
00:57:05,087 --> 00:57:06,909
- Oh.
- Yeah.
893
00:57:07,007 --> 00:57:09,112
Look, Rita, get Frito.
894
00:57:09,216 --> 00:57:12,216
Get him to take you back to the time machine
without me. Don't wait.
895
00:57:12,319 --> 00:57:16,181
No. You could have split on me before,
but you didn't.
896
00:57:16,288 --> 00:57:19,550
Look, you wanna pay me back?
Just go back, okay?
897
00:57:19,647 --> 00:57:22,102
Tell people to read books.
898
00:57:22,208 --> 00:57:24,215
Tell people to stay in school,
you know.
899
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:27,702
Tell people to just
use their brains or something.
900
00:57:27,808 --> 00:57:30,874
I think maybe the world got like this
because of people like me.
901
00:57:30,976 --> 00:57:35,383
I never did anything with my life.
At least you were an artist, you know?
902
00:57:35,488 --> 00:57:37,943
- So just go back and...
- Visit's over!
903
00:57:40,800 --> 00:57:44,116
And Rita, whatever you do,
keep painting, okay?
904
00:57:45,600 --> 00:57:47,487
Good luck, Joe.
905
00:57:54,399 --> 00:57:57,149
Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
906
00:57:57,247 --> 00:58:00,793
Are you ready for a monster-truck duel
to the death?
907
00:58:00,896 --> 00:58:04,278
Yeah! Let's give it up
for the Guitar Army.
908
00:58:06,304 --> 00:58:08,191
Okay, we're gonna do this shit.
909
00:58:08,288 --> 00:58:11,321
But first, to lead us
in our Natural Anthem...
910
00:58:11,423 --> 00:58:15,995
the star of Ow! My Balls!
Hormel Chavez!
911
00:58:16,095 --> 00:58:18,910
Thank you. Thank you.
912
00:58:23,903 --> 00:58:27,318
Come here!
913
00:58:27,424 --> 00:58:29,246
Right in the balls!
914
00:58:29,344 --> 00:58:33,948
That's just how that shit went on TV!
915
00:58:34,048 --> 00:58:38,106
This execution is brought to you
by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.
916
00:58:38,207 --> 00:58:40,029
After you've killed someone...
917
00:58:40,127 --> 00:58:41,982
- your body needs electrolytes.
- Yeah.
918
00:58:42,080 --> 00:58:45,244
So, my car's out front...
919
00:58:45,343 --> 00:58:47,515
whenever you want me
to take you...
920
00:58:47,615 --> 00:58:49,754
to the time machine.
921
00:58:49,856 --> 00:58:51,710
Thanks, Frito.
922
00:58:51,807 --> 00:58:53,815
- Yeah.
- I can't hear you!
923
00:58:53,919 --> 00:58:56,985
That's a real bummer
about Joe, huh?
924
00:58:57,088 --> 00:58:59,575
- I can't hear you!
- Yeah.
925
00:58:59,679 --> 00:59:04,916
Oh! Can you turn this up?
I love Rehabilitation.
926
00:59:15,967 --> 00:59:20,245
Okay. Let's meet
our rehabilitation officers for tonight.
927
00:59:20,351 --> 00:59:23,515
With a combined record
of 62 kills...
928
00:59:23,616 --> 00:59:28,253
please welcome Vinny Mawumba
in the Dildozer!
929
00:59:33,824 --> 00:59:39,355
And his brother Bobby Mawumba
in the Ass Blaster!
930
00:59:39,455 --> 00:59:41,343
I get a truck too, right?
931
00:59:41,439 --> 00:59:44,058
Yeah.
Here it comes.
932
00:59:53,311 --> 00:59:55,199
Get in.
933
00:59:59,519 --> 01:00:01,788
You still got
the chain attached.
934
01:00:03,903 --> 01:00:06,358
- Door won't shut.
- What about the chain?
935
01:00:06,464 --> 01:00:08,351
- We could break it.
- No. He could escape.
936
01:00:08,447 --> 01:00:11,862
- I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.
- Yeah. That'll work.
937
01:00:15,296 --> 01:00:18,711
- Who's smart now?
- Let's bring out our criminal.
938
01:00:18,815 --> 01:00:21,815
He tried to ruin the country
by pouring toilet water on crops.
939
01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:24,221
He cost millions of people
their jobs.
940
01:00:24,319 --> 01:00:27,516
Let's get ready
to rehabilitate Not Sure!
941
01:00:39,039 --> 01:00:41,309
Never would have guessed
this is how I was gonna die.
942
01:00:41,407 --> 01:00:44,189
Are you ready for some car-on-car action?
943
01:00:44,287 --> 01:00:46,175
Yes.
944
01:00:47,232 --> 01:00:49,949
- I can't watch this.
- This is...
945
01:00:50,047 --> 01:00:54,357
This is gonna be so sad.
I hope I don't cry.
946
01:00:56,095 --> 01:00:59,837
Holy shit!
Frito, come here! Look!
947
01:00:59,935 --> 01:01:02,302
He was right.
The water... it worked.
948
01:01:02,400 --> 01:01:04,920
Frito, can you
get me over there?
949
01:01:05,855 --> 01:01:07,677
Yes.
950
01:01:07,775 --> 01:01:10,645
No, you fuckin' moron.
To the Rehabilitation place.
951
01:01:10,751 --> 01:01:12,693
- Uh, this way.
- Yeah!
952
01:01:17,087 --> 01:01:18,910
Come on, Frito.
Hurry!
953
01:01:19,007 --> 01:01:21,909
And now the dude that
everybody came here to see...
954
01:01:22,015 --> 01:01:25,463
- Yeah!
- the only undefeated officer ever in history...
955
01:01:25,567 --> 01:01:28,950
coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass...
956
01:01:29,055 --> 01:01:33,812
driving the biggest, hugest correctional
vehicle ever built in history...
957
01:01:33,920 --> 01:01:37,629
bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster...
958
01:01:37,727 --> 01:01:41,589
bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history...
959
01:01:41,695 --> 01:01:44,510
the brand-new Assdozer!
960
01:01:44,607 --> 01:01:47,193
Give it up for Beef Supreme!
961
01:01:50,623 --> 01:01:52,445
Oh!
962
01:01:58,207 --> 01:02:00,062
Oh!
963
01:02:13,855 --> 01:02:16,986
Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?
964
01:02:17,087 --> 01:02:19,476
We seem to be
"experimenting"...
965
01:02:19,583 --> 01:02:22,747
some "techmological"
differences...
966
01:02:22,847 --> 01:02:24,669
so, uh, shit.
967
01:02:24,767 --> 01:02:27,996
Frito, look!
968
01:02:28,096 --> 01:02:30,201
- It's working everywhere!
- Huh.
969
01:02:30,303 --> 01:02:34,198
Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.
970
01:02:34,304 --> 01:02:37,303
- Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was...
- Man.
971
01:02:37,407 --> 01:02:39,349
- Hey!
- Oh, oh, okay.
972
01:02:39,456 --> 01:02:41,561
- Get this shit started!
- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.
973
01:02:41,663 --> 01:02:45,241
Let the rehabilitation begin!
974
01:02:54,399 --> 01:02:56,854
Oh, shit.
975
01:02:56,959 --> 01:02:59,741
Come on. Come on.
976
01:02:59,839 --> 01:03:02,206
Come on, Frito. Hurry!
977
01:03:04,735 --> 01:03:07,320
Oh!
978
01:03:11,839 --> 01:03:13,301
Goddamn it.
979
01:03:15,615 --> 01:03:19,325
- Yeah!
- Jesus, that was close.
980
01:03:21,727 --> 01:03:24,509
Mr. President! Mr. President,
I need to talk to you.
981
01:03:24,607 --> 01:03:26,712
You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.
982
01:03:26,815 --> 01:03:29,597
We passed some crops
on the way here. They're growing.
983
01:03:29,695 --> 01:03:31,517
I didn't see no crops.
984
01:03:32,607 --> 01:03:34,233
They're circling around.
985
01:03:34,336 --> 01:03:36,757
They're gonna do
the Malachi Crunch on him!
986
01:03:39,295 --> 01:03:42,557
- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.
- Oh!
987
01:04:02,528 --> 01:04:05,397
So, uh... So the winner is, uh...
988
01:04:07,135 --> 01:04:10,201
- You gotta be shittin'me.
- Did he win?
989
01:04:12,959 --> 01:04:15,064
Uh-oh. Look.
990
01:04:16,863 --> 01:04:20,441
Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!
991
01:04:27,488 --> 01:04:29,178
Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!
992
01:04:29,279 --> 01:04:33,370
Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember
those crops we saw off the road...
993
01:04:33,471 --> 01:04:35,991
- right by the Starbucks?
- Uh-huh.
994
01:04:36,095 --> 01:04:40,023
- Hey. Wanna make some money?
- I like money.
995
01:04:53,663 --> 01:04:57,786
Hey, um, the, uh... the main
screen is malfunctioning...
996
01:04:57,887 --> 01:05:00,309
and they gonna need you
outside immediately.
997
01:05:03,391 --> 01:05:06,293
There's a bunch of whores
in the hallway.
998
01:05:09,343 --> 01:05:11,732
Come on, Frito.
Hurry.
999
01:05:12,767 --> 01:05:14,774
Can't believe
you like money too.
1000
01:05:14,879 --> 01:05:17,268
- We should hang out.
- Totally.
1001
01:05:41,567 --> 01:05:43,509
He's behind the truck!
1002
01:05:45,535 --> 01:05:48,186
Yes! Yes!
1003
01:05:49,503 --> 01:05:51,477
- He's behind the fucking truck!
- He's over there!
1004
01:05:51,583 --> 01:05:53,558
Behind the truck, stupid!
1005
01:06:03,455 --> 01:06:04,982
Look!
1006
01:06:07,103 --> 01:06:10,518
Shit.
That's a good deal.
1007
01:06:10,623 --> 01:06:14,933
- Extra foam.
- I got a bunch of money too.
1008
01:06:15,039 --> 01:06:17,559
- Forgot what it was for.
- Huh.
1009
01:06:18,783 --> 01:06:22,428
- You think it was for lattes?
- Yeah. Probably.
1010
01:06:22,527 --> 01:06:26,619
- You like money and sex?
You're trippin'me out.
- What the fuck?
1011
01:06:28,767 --> 01:06:30,905
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1012
01:06:40,159 --> 01:06:43,869
- Just hold on, okay?
Everyone just take it easy, okay?
1013
01:06:43,967 --> 01:06:45,789
Can I just
say something here?
1014
01:06:48,095 --> 01:06:50,910
I don't even know
what I'm guilty of here.
1015
01:06:51,007 --> 01:06:54,749
I never said that I was the smartest person
on earth. You people did.
1016
01:06:54,847 --> 01:06:58,360
I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs
and all your money...
1017
01:06:58,462 --> 01:07:00,502
and I'm very sorry
that that happened.
1018
01:07:00,607 --> 01:07:02,549
But I'm tellin'you...
1019
01:07:02,655 --> 01:07:04,925
if you put water on the crops,
it might actually...
1020
01:07:05,023 --> 01:07:07,893
No, it will work.
I promise you!
1021
01:07:07,999 --> 01:07:12,222
You just have to believe me.
I just wanted to help you. That's all.
1022
01:07:12,319 --> 01:07:16,956
So you can try and shoot me.
You can try and run me over, whatever.
1023
01:07:17,055 --> 01:07:20,372
But I just want you to ask yourselves
one question first.
1024
01:07:21,535 --> 01:07:23,957
Do you really want to live
in a world...
1025
01:07:24,063 --> 01:07:27,412
where you try to blow up the one person
that's tryin' to help you?
1026
01:07:37,822 --> 01:07:39,961
Hold on. Just hold on.
1027
01:08:00,479 --> 01:08:02,584
Oh, man.
That was great.
1028
01:08:02,687 --> 01:08:06,199
Hey, was I wearing pants
when we went in there?
1029
01:08:06,303 --> 01:08:09,565
Shit. What do I look like,
a pants goblin?
1030
01:08:09,663 --> 01:08:12,859
Wait.
This reminds me of something.
1031
01:08:12,959 --> 01:08:15,708
Uh, "Rehabil... Rehabilate...
1032
01:08:15,807 --> 01:08:18,873
- Rehabilation. "
- Why do you keep trying to read that word?
1033
01:08:18,975 --> 01:08:22,357
- You a fag?
- I'll fag your face!
1034
01:08:30,655 --> 01:08:33,557
- Come on, Frito.
- Yeah. I don't think so.
1035
01:08:34,879 --> 01:08:37,246
Oh, yeah.
1036
01:09:17,055 --> 01:09:21,333
This guy just got
his ass a pardon!
1037
01:09:29,023 --> 01:09:30,714
Yeah!
1038
01:09:44,415 --> 01:09:47,710
Man, Rita. I mean,
I don't know what to say.
1039
01:09:47,807 --> 01:09:50,938
You saved my life.
No one's ever done anything like that for me.
1040
01:09:51,039 --> 01:09:52,861
Yeah, well...
1041
01:09:52,959 --> 01:09:55,861
you were looking out for the whole world so,
you know...
1042
01:09:55,966 --> 01:09:59,512
- I thought someone should look out for you too.
- Thanks.
1043
01:10:01,055 --> 01:10:03,324
I can't believe I'm even
saying this, but...
1044
01:10:03,423 --> 01:10:05,332
even though these people
tried to kill me...
1045
01:10:05,439 --> 01:10:08,755
- you know, I think I'm actually gonna
kinda miss 'em.
- Yeah.
1046
01:10:08,863 --> 01:10:11,580
Frito... he's gonna give us
a ride back to the time machine.
1047
01:10:11,678 --> 01:10:14,777
I just, uh...
I hope he's okay to drive.
1048
01:10:16,159 --> 01:10:19,159
It's you. Oh, man,
I really love your show.
1049
01:10:19,262 --> 01:10:21,466
Thank you so much.
1050
01:10:21,567 --> 01:10:26,520
- Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
- What?
1051
01:10:28,254 --> 01:10:31,964
I had some pretty bad habits back there
that I don't want to fall into again.
1052
01:10:32,063 --> 01:10:33,950
Maybe it's time
I got a new start.
1053
01:10:34,047 --> 01:10:38,008
Besides, they offered me
a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
1054
01:10:38,110 --> 01:10:40,663
- I'm gonna be a C. E. O.
- At Starbucks?
1055
01:10:40,767 --> 01:10:43,484
- Yeah.
- Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?
1056
01:10:45,087 --> 01:10:48,348
Yeah. Sure.
1057
01:10:48,447 --> 01:10:50,203
I guess this is
good-bye then.
1058
01:10:51,998 --> 01:10:54,137
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
1059
01:10:54,239 --> 01:10:56,607
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
1060
01:10:56,607 --> 01:10:58,232
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
1061
01:10:58,335 --> 01:11:02,393
Not Sure, get your ass up here,
wherever you is.
1062
01:11:04,895 --> 01:11:07,033
Let me get that little
peanut head up here.
1063
01:11:07,135 --> 01:11:09,786
Yo. Yo.
1064
01:11:09,886 --> 01:11:11,741
I have decided...
1065
01:11:11,839 --> 01:11:14,261
to make this man...
1066
01:11:14,367 --> 01:11:17,182
the man who solved
all our problems...
1067
01:11:18,463 --> 01:11:21,016
I have decided to make him...
1068
01:11:21,119 --> 01:11:23,322
my new vice president.
1069
01:11:25,758 --> 01:11:28,857
Mr. President, thanks.
That's real cool of you, sir...
1070
01:11:28,959 --> 01:11:32,668
- but I can't accept it, sir.
- What? Why?
1071
01:11:32,767 --> 01:11:37,306
- You know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.
1072
01:11:37,407 --> 01:11:40,276
Look, you know, you're just gonna
have to solve 'em yourselves.
1073
01:11:40,383 --> 01:11:42,750
- How?
- Think about it, you know?
1074
01:11:42,847 --> 01:11:45,781
You're just gonna have to figure it out
like we did with the crops.
1075
01:11:45,887 --> 01:11:50,229
But how are we gonna figure out about
the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?
1076
01:11:50,335 --> 01:11:55,932
And what about the nuc...
"nucular" reactor in Florida?
1077
01:11:56,031 --> 01:11:58,397
It's broke and leaky
and something's happening.
1078
01:11:58,494 --> 01:12:03,644
- I thought it was in Georgia.
- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.
1079
01:12:03,742 --> 01:12:06,677
Hey. Hey, I know.
Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?
1080
01:12:06,782 --> 01:12:09,717
- Yeah!
- Good, good. That's a good idea.
1081
01:12:09,822 --> 01:12:12,408
- Like we did on the crops.
- Come on, vato.
1082
01:12:12,511 --> 01:12:14,715
Hey, you can't leave.
1083
01:12:14,814 --> 01:12:20,510
Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow,
or get outta the way" shit, huh?
1084
01:12:30,847 --> 01:12:35,069
I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore,
can I? You know what?
1085
01:12:35,167 --> 01:12:37,949
- Forget about the time machine.
- Yeah!
1086
01:12:41,823 --> 01:12:45,084
That ride sucks anyways.
1087
01:12:45,182 --> 01:12:47,222
Ride?
1088
01:12:50,559 --> 01:12:52,926
Welcome to the Time Masheen.
1089
01:12:53,022 --> 01:12:57,332
We are going to take you back,
first to the year 1939...
1090
01:12:57,439 --> 01:12:59,828
when Charlie Chaplin
and his evil Nazi regime...
1091
01:12:59,934 --> 01:13:02,869
enslaved Europe and tried
to take over the world.
1092
01:13:02,974 --> 01:13:05,462
So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?
1093
01:13:05,567 --> 01:13:08,916
Yeah. You thought you could really
travel through time, huh?
1094
01:13:09,022 --> 01:13:11,291
- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.
1095
01:13:11,391 --> 01:13:14,206
For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.
1096
01:13:14,303 --> 01:13:19,005
- So why didn't you tell us?
- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.
1097
01:13:19,103 --> 01:13:22,747
But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.
1098
01:13:22,847 --> 01:13:26,196
You know, 'cause I can't go back in time
and open a savings account.
1099
01:13:26,302 --> 01:13:29,117
Uh, uh, uh...
1100
01:13:29,215 --> 01:13:31,865
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
It's okay.
1101
01:13:33,342 --> 01:13:35,197
Well,
I guess we're stuck here.
1102
01:13:35,295 --> 01:13:40,183
But then an even
greater force emerged... the "UN. "
1103
01:13:40,287 --> 01:13:44,158
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
1104
01:13:44,158 --> 01:13:44,409
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
1105
01:13:44,575 --> 01:13:47,924
And so, after serving a short
term as vice president...
1106
01:13:48,030 --> 01:13:51,194
Joe was elected
the president of America.
1107
01:13:51,295 --> 01:13:53,367
Frito became vice president...
1108
01:13:53,471 --> 01:13:56,504
and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.
1109
01:13:56,607 --> 01:13:59,956
Today I step into the shoes
of a great man...
1110
01:14:00,062 --> 01:14:04,023
a man by the name
of Dwayne Elizondo...
1111
01:14:04,127 --> 01:14:07,956
Mountain Dew
Herbert Camacho.
1112
01:14:08,063 --> 01:14:12,023
Under President Not Sure's
leadership, a new era dawned.
1113
01:14:12,127 --> 01:14:15,804
You know, there was a time
in this country...
1114
01:14:15,903 --> 01:14:19,994
when smart people
were considered cool.
1115
01:14:20,095 --> 01:14:22,909
Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...
1116
01:14:23,006 --> 01:14:26,901
like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.
1117
01:14:27,006 --> 01:14:28,468
Yeah!
1118
01:14:30,526 --> 01:14:34,552
And there was a time
in this country, a long time ago...
1119
01:14:34,655 --> 01:14:36,956
when reading wasn't
just for fags...
1120
01:14:37,054 --> 01:14:39,226
and neither was writing.
1121
01:14:39,326 --> 01:14:43,255
People wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...
1122
01:14:43,358 --> 01:14:47,482
so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting.
1123
01:14:47,583 --> 01:14:50,899
And I believe that time
can come again!
1124
01:15:02,335 --> 01:15:05,782
Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!
1125
01:15:09,471 --> 01:15:11,358
Joe and Rita had three children...
1126
01:15:11,454 --> 01:15:14,138
the three smartest kids
in the world.
1127
01:15:15,231 --> 01:15:17,620
Vice President Frito
took eight wives...
1128
01:15:17,726 --> 01:15:20,061
and had a total of 32 kids...
1129
01:15:20,158 --> 01:15:23,257
thirty-two of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.
1130
01:15:28,286 --> 01:15:31,320
Okay, so maybe Joe
didn't save mankind...
1131
01:15:31,422 --> 01:15:33,757
but he got the ball rolling...
1132
01:15:33,854 --> 01:15:37,499
and that's pretty good
for an average guy.
1133
01:20:25,118 --> 01:20:27,703
I'm gonna go find this ho.