1
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,825
Yep, check, check. Yep.
2
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:21,143
- Thank you.
- Sorry about the leaky pipes.
3
00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:22,827
It shouldn't affect the interview at all.
4
00:00:22,917 --> 00:00:24,476
You good with sound
and everything on that?
5
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:25,820
We'll take it out in post.
6
00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:30,338
Uh, that's just plumbing,
'cause it's not even raining outside.
7
00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:32,708
Sorry.
8
00:00:32,917 --> 00:00:35,497
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
9
00:00:35,583 --> 00:00:37,043
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
10
00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,825
and today my guest is...
11
00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:40,633
Matthew...
12
00:00:40,792 --> 00:00:41,922
McConnach...
13
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,000
McCannoway.
14
00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:45,208
Matthew McConnarr...
15
00:00:46,208 --> 00:00:48,168
Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey.
16
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,745
Good to be here, Zach.
17
00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,713
All right, all right, all right.
18
00:00:55,375 --> 00:00:58,375
Sorry, I was just reading the box office
returns for your last three movies.
19
00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:01,332
All right.
20
00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:02,958
All right.
21
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,490
I guess that one was all right.
22
00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,883
I notice that you're wearing a shirt.
23
00:01:08,417 --> 00:01:09,417
Is everything okay?
24
00:01:10,917 --> 00:01:11,917
You fucking kidding me?
25
00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:14,332
Of all the things
you can win an Oscar for,
26
00:01:14,417 --> 00:01:16,877
how surprised are you
that you won one for acting?
27
00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:18,495
Here we go.
28
00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:20,633
But so did that guy
from Thirty Seconds To Mars.
29
00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:22,292
So, um...
30
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,575
how proud can you really be?
31
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,537
How much time do we have?
32
00:01:24,625 --> 00:01:27,059
I'm out of here in about 15 minutes,
so whatever. Do something.
33
00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:27,963
What do you have to do?
34
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:30,672
Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible,
shirtless?
35
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:31,750
Yeah.
36
00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,583
Your dad died while having sex
with your mom,
37
00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:37,917
and you've said that you want
to go out the same way.
38
00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,422
You and your mom need
to set up some boundaries.
39
00:01:40,458 --> 00:01:41,518
- No, it's not true.
- I wasn't...
40
00:01:41,542 --> 00:01:43,018
- Next question.
- It wasn't supposed to be funny.
41
00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:45,122
- It's just a rumor that I heard.
- Yeah, I hear you.
42
00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,037
Who do you think will accidentally
starve himself to death first,
43
00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:49,285
you or Christian Bale?
44
00:01:50,625 --> 00:01:52,455
You lost so much weight for that movie,
45
00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:55,457
I thought you might die from fake AIDS.
46
00:01:55,542 --> 00:01:57,252
I've got three kids, I got a wife.
47
00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:58,333
What have you got?
48
00:01:58,958 --> 00:01:59,958
Besides two ferns?
49
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,380
At least you're watering them, I see.
50
00:02:06,542 --> 00:02:07,882
Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.
51
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:09,838
- We'll fix it in the edit.
- Doesn't bother me.
52
00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:13,247
I'm so... I'm so sorry.
53
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:14,538
Can I just, uh...
54
00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:17,792
...see what's going on with these pipes?
55
00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,083
I got a lighter.
56
00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:26,575
Dude, don't do that.
57
00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:32,208
Help!
58
00:02:35,542 --> 00:02:36,752
A little help here?
59
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,207
I can't get out!
60
00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:49,075
Who was the idiot
that installed the sprinkler system?
61
00:02:49,708 --> 00:02:52,668
- What's the way out, Zach?
- I don't know, Matthew!
62
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,101
Well, where did we come in from?
63
00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:57,125
I don't recall, Matthew,
I'm a little... stressed!
64
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,583
Well, they turned the sprinklers off.
65
00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:41,422
And... action.
66
00:03:41,583 --> 00:03:42,583
Hello,
67
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,753
and welcome to Behind Two Ferns,
68
00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:46,963
the story of Between Two Ferns,
69
00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:49,082
a special feature-length documentary
70
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,247
providing an inside glimpse
at my award-losing talk show.
71
00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,040
I'm Zach Galifianakis.
72
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:55,995
We're here in Flinch, North Carolina,
73
00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,458
where I've taped my show
for over ten years.
74
00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:00,462
Not only do I host the show,
75
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,168
but I will be your tour guide
76
00:04:02,417 --> 00:04:04,207
throughout your cinematic experience.
77
00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:07,627
Who knows,
maybe the movie will even be in 3D?
78
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,038
Little trivia about my show,
79
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,630
I originally wanted to call it
Betwixt Two Ferns,
80
00:04:13,708 --> 00:04:15,788
but I thought that was
too highbrow for the public.
81
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,132
Our journey begins here,
like most classic tales,
82
00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:24,038
with our hero opening a door
into adventure.
83
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,710
And... cut.
84
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,170
Great, that was the best one.
85
00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:31,393
Twenty-one takes is good for you?
86
00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:33,518
Twenty-one takes?
That's really, really good for me, yep.
87
00:04:33,542 --> 00:04:34,462
We can move on?
88
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,782
- Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect.
- Okay, move on!
89
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:40,825
I grew up here in the small town
of Flinch, North Carolina,
90
00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,707
and ever since I was a kid, I...
91
00:04:43,792 --> 00:04:47,462
dreamed of being a big
network TV personality.
92
00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:56,375
But things haven't worked out
exactly as planned.
93
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:59,184
From Flinch, North Carolina,
94
00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:01,828
it's Flinch Public Access Television!
95
00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:06,000
Anybody watching this show
has the ability to make a piñata.
96
00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,184
- You're lying. You didn't say that.
- The lifeblood of America.
97
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,101
- You told me it was about waste water.
- I don't lie.
98
00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:12,785
I have no idea what I'd do without you.
99
00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:15,785
Think about soccer,
you don't even use your hands.
100
00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:18,212
That's what makes us human.
101
00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:19,915
Didn't like that card.
102
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,867
Didn't like that card, either.
103
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,417
Where do you keep your Oscar?
104
00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:24,792
I mean your, uh...
105
00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:26,503
Blockbuster Entertainment Award?
106
00:05:31,417 --> 00:05:33,247
We are here, at, uh...
107
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,460
Flinch Public Access Television,
108
00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:37,422
FPAT-V, for short.
109
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:40,080
What's great about public access
110
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:41,417
is the feel of community.
111
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,210
Here comes the tornado.
112
00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:46,535
Anybody's voice can be heard here.
113
00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:48,125
Top that, motherfucker.
114
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,420
This is where I've been
taping my shows for over a decade now.
115
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:54,747
- Hi.
- Hi!
116
00:05:54,958 --> 00:05:55,958
I'm, uh...
117
00:05:56,292 --> 00:06:00,292
Keanu Reeves and I'm here
for Between Two Ferns.
118
00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:01,705
Oh, yeah.
119
00:06:05,417 --> 00:06:06,737
Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.
120
00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:07,952
Welcome to another edition...
121
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:09,750
of Between Two Ferns.
122
00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:12,083
Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves.
123
00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:15,288
- Thank you for being here.
- Thanks for having me here.
124
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,325
You have a big scar, I hear,
from a motorcycle accident?
125
00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:19,707
Yeah, I do, yeah.
126
00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,083
Is it... Where is it?
127
00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,684
- Just goes from here to here.
- Big one?
128
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:24,101
- God, that big?
- Yeah, it's about...
129
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,075
I have a similar scar on my...
on my leg.
130
00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,333
From what?
131
00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:30,172
Walked out of the movie Lake House.
132
00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:32,832
Bumped into the seat in front of me.
133
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,380
On a scale of one to 100,
134
00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:37,748
how many words do you know?
135
00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:39,880
One to 100?
136
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,580
Like, do you know 50 words?
137
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:42,997
Do you know 75 words?
138
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,673
Do you know 18 words?
139
00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:47,375
Is it frustrating, uh...
140
00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,788
to have people think of you
as a complete bozo?
141
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,542
When the truth is that you're just...
142
00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,788
a man with below average intelligence?
143
00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:55,958
Just do...
144
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,418
one for yes, and then...
145
00:06:58,792 --> 00:06:59,792
two for no.
146
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:01,753
Do you research your roles?
147
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,167
Yeah.
148
00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:06,665
Have you ever considered researching
a character that has taken acting classes?
149
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,455
Right now I'm acting like this is fun.
150
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:11,830
How am I doing?
151
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,287
It's a good show.
152
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:17,125
Right now,
it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh...
153
00:07:17,750 --> 00:07:20,960
southeastern North Carolina's
public access television market.
154
00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:23,497
I mean, do I have other dreams?
155
00:07:23,625 --> 00:07:25,785
I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska.
156
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,380
But, ultimately, in life,
I'd like to have my own
157
00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:31,165
late night talk show.
158
00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:34,125
But this, for now,
159
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,500
what I have now...
160
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,333
this will do.
161
00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,083
Who's on cocaine?
162
00:07:43,292 --> 00:07:45,542
I'm sorry, I thought someone said
someone's on cocaine,
163
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:47,785
and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?"
164
00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:49,333
'Cause it's not me.
165
00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:52,633
You ready? Let's do it.
166
00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:55,422
Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach?
167
00:07:55,792 --> 00:07:58,172
When I, uh, first saw some...
168
00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:00,288
footage of...
169
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,333
...this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis,
170
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:08,167
I thought...
I thought it was a practical joke.
171
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,420
I don't know if you wanna get
a tight shot of that?
172
00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:13,747
America's Dumbest Television Hosts.
173
00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:18,245
And, uh, I saw him on this tape
and he was so...
174
00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:19,423
He was such an idiot,
175
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,128
and he was so dumb,
176
00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:22,955
and so fat.
177
00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:25,253
So, uh, without asking,
178
00:08:25,958 --> 00:08:28,878
I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die,
179
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:30,667
and, uh...
180
00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:31,917
All the clicks.
181
00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:34,375
Over 500 trillion and counting.
182
00:08:34,708 --> 00:08:36,038
And those clicks...
183
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,790
equals more green,
184
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:40,670
which equals more white,
185
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,080
which equals more...
186
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:45,792
purple.
187
00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:48,415
That's me putting on a big,
188
00:08:49,292 --> 00:08:50,582
purple feather boa.
189
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,007
Yeah, so, I signed him
to an exclusive contract
190
00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,293
and, you know,
191
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,625
started forcing my Hollywood friends
to be interviewed by him.
192
00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:01,825
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
193
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:03,577
Uh, my guest today is...
194
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,250
Chance the Rapper.
195
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:06,997
Hi.
196
00:09:07,083 --> 00:09:08,963
You're an actor, a rapper, an activist.
197
00:09:09,042 --> 00:09:10,632
Why aren't you also an astronaut?
198
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:14,415
Uh...
I don't know. I'm not very, uh...
199
00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:18,168
- like, I don't come from, uh...
- Space.
200
00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:20,038
Yep.
201
00:09:20,125 --> 00:09:22,495
If your parents had not named you
Chance the Rapper,
202
00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,743
do you think you would have
pursued a different career?
203
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,168
My parents didn't name me
Chance the Rapper.
204
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:28,330
That's a stage name.
205
00:09:28,417 --> 00:09:29,417
Any siblings?
206
00:09:29,792 --> 00:09:31,172
I have one brother, yeah.
207
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:32,330
What's he do for a living?
208
00:09:32,417 --> 00:09:33,417
He's a rapper too.
209
00:09:33,792 --> 00:09:34,672
What is his name?
210
00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:36,210
Community Chest the Rapper?
211
00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:38,787
Uh, no.
212
00:09:39,625 --> 00:09:41,165
You're friends with Kanye West.
213
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,292
That's the joke.
214
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,040
I don't like that joke.
215
00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:49,643
Will you just give these a chance?
216
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,667
They're fine.
217
00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:52,382
This is good stuff.
218
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,832
Stop fucking playing with me right now.
219
00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,809
So, it seems like you have
a lot of responsibility here.
220
00:09:57,833 --> 00:10:00,423
I do. The show carries
a lot of responsibility,
221
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,143
- but, you know...
- Oh, my God.
222
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,877
I'm surrounded by a really good team.
223
00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,498
My office is right this way.
224
00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:09,633
Got a great view of everybody,
I can kinda keep an eye on things.
225
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,957
I feel sorry for people who use laptops.
226
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,463
They don't get that exercise.
227
00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:19,133
I'm Carol.
228
00:10:19,208 --> 00:10:22,668
I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah.
229
00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:24,535
He cares about his job.
230
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,628
He's very creative.
231
00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:27,538
He's very clever.
232
00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:29,915
So, I do a lot of things for him,
he's very busy, and...
233
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,288
um, he just needs somebody
to take care of all the details,
234
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:34,875
and I'm happy to do it.
235
00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:37,248
Sometimes words are overwhelming for him.
236
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:39,226
He needs to just
kind of break it up a little bit.
237
00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:42,460
Zach likes me to cut out all the big
top stories of the day from the newspaper.
238
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:45,018
Just throw them in the trash
so he can just look at the pictures.
239
00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,351
I've written down lists of things
240
00:10:46,375 --> 00:10:48,309
that I wanted him to make sure
he remembered, and...
241
00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:49,963
his brain just doesn't work that way.
242
00:10:50,042 --> 00:10:50,882
He needs it to be drawn.
243
00:10:50,958 --> 00:10:52,708
So, it'll just be a picture of him,
244
00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:54,083
in bed,
245
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,165
and every step,
from removing the covers,
246
00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:57,670
standing up, walking...
247
00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,880
And then after that,
248
00:10:59,208 --> 00:11:00,328
that's you in the car.
249
00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:01,827
When I leave?
250
00:11:01,917 --> 00:11:02,917
Yeah.
251
00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:04,633
- Hey.
- Hi.
252
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,880
Zach also has me run
personal errands for him.
253
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,133
For instance, he has very sensitive skin,
254
00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:12,078
and he needs to wear panty liners
to protect his private area.
255
00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:14,788
I call her the Getter.
256
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,330
She gets it.
257
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:17,957
She gets me and she gets...
258
00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:19,538
guest,
259
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:22,625
and she gets...
she gets things for me.
260
00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:23,878
So I call her the Getter.
261
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:25,583
And, uh...
262
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,080
she's wonderful.
263
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,417
So, Zach has a thing called
"fernspection,"
264
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,920
where he wants to make sure
that the ferns are just so,
265
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,540
and they have to be
exactly the same in every episode.
266
00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,165
He likes that continuity.
267
00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:39,378
Green as ever. They look great.
268
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,170
Moisture's nice. Good.
269
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:48,958
Ow.
270
00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,958
- Why do they look so different?
- I don't...
271
00:11:55,042 --> 00:11:57,382
I don't know how to take care of these.
Keep killing them.
272
00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:00,012
I just buy new ones
whenever we have a show.
273
00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:05,333
Is the width off to you? No, that's right.
274
00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:06,382
Looks good.
275
00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:08,458
That's exactly what it was last time.
276
00:12:12,042 --> 00:12:13,132
What's the readout?
277
00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:14,351
- I have one.
- Whoa. No, no, no.
278
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:15,375
It says one.
279
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:16,880
I gotta say...
280
00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,877
it's hard to believe I've used
the same ferns all these years.
281
00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:22,333
- Okay. So, yeah, we all set?
- Yeah.
282
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,870
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
283
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:26,203
Good work. Really good work.
284
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:28,723
Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about...
285
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,320
So, I've heard people
call you by your nickname.
286
00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,627
Can you explain what it means?
287
00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:37,712
I'm nicknamed Cam
because it's short for Cameron.
288
00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:40,167
A lot of people say, like,
"No, you're nicknamed Cam
289
00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:43,080
because now you work with cameras,"
but that's not true.
290
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,957
I'm probably one of the top,
291
00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:47,247
you know, 50...
292
00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,503
...probably top 50 cameramen
you can find.
293
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,290
I'm not crazy about him.
294
00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:55,245
His attitude is... sloppy.
295
00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,540
I asked for an ecu of the button.
296
00:12:58,917 --> 00:13:00,167
You know? And I...
297
00:13:00,292 --> 00:13:01,582
I didn't see your camera move.
298
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:02,707
An ECU?
299
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:04,128
Zach is...
300
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:07,327
and I'll say this
the nicest way I know how,
301
00:13:07,542 --> 00:13:09,292
he is an absolute piece of shit,
302
00:13:09,792 --> 00:13:11,252
garbage rat, loser,
303
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:12,625
uh, donkey.
304
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,748
He's the biggest piece of shit
I've met in my life
305
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,793
and I've met some big pieces of shit.
306
00:13:17,958 --> 00:13:19,578
In life and in a toilet.
307
00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:22,133
I have a really good time,
and I like Zach.
308
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,000
I think he's...
I think he's sweet.
309
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,976
You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party.
You know, Cecil, the janitor?
310
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:27,880
She's good.
311
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,168
I like her enthusiasm.
312
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,476
A little annoying.
313
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,380
We didn't have cupcakes,
'cause he's vegan now.
314
00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:33,658
Did you know that, he's vegan?
315
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,915
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons.
316
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,130
It's fine, I mean...
317
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,420
That woman
fucking annoys the shit out of me.
318
00:13:42,042 --> 00:13:44,809
So there's a lot of celebrities
passing through the studio, right?
319
00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,463
Oh, yeah, tons and tons.
Like, everybody.
320
00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,882
I feel like there's nobody
who hasn't been through here.
321
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,768
Thank you so much
for doing this pre-interview.
322
00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:52,768
- Yeah.
- So, I heard you have a funny story.
323
00:13:52,792 --> 00:13:53,792
We'd love to hear it.
324
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,633
Oh, yeah, so, basically,
I got home late from work
325
00:13:56,708 --> 00:13:58,498
and I was really tired and I parked...
326
00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:00,183
Maybe ask her what race she is.
327
00:14:00,875 --> 00:14:02,915
I'm not sure how that's relevant here.
328
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,670
Okay, is there something, like,
light you wanna talk about,
329
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:06,960
that's, like, something funny?
330
00:14:07,042 --> 00:14:08,362
I think you kind of...
It's not...
331
00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:09,707
It doesn't have to be like that.
332
00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,665
Yeah, like a flippant story
about being half black, half white
333
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:13,750
or something like that.
334
00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:15,790
Hi, I'm Zach.
335
00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:18,495
- Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation.
- Oh, God.
336
00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:20,127
That is refreshing to hear.
337
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:24,075
I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors
with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff
338
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,887
so it's nice to interview
real people and...
339
00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:28,577
Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation.
340
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,540
Okay. Let's get you miked up.
341
00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:34,125
Great.
342
00:14:34,292 --> 00:14:35,882
What temperature was it in there?
343
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,198
- It's hard for me to concentrate...
- You like swimming?
344
00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,208
Yeah?
345
00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:42,382
I got a lot of bathing suits in my car.
346
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,828
Turning down a celebrity
347
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:48,997
is maybe the greatest joy
a person can have.
348
00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:50,083
Can I get a plum?
349
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,955
Yes, of course. How are you?
350
00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,422
Not gonna happen, champ.
351
00:14:57,417 --> 00:14:58,877
Zach, he's always around,
352
00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:01,328
he pretends that he needs
to be here all the time.
353
00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:03,332
He keeps taking stuff from the shelf.
354
00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:04,957
I know he does.
355
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,670
My name is Shirl Clarts,
356
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:09,880
S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S.
357
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,976
- And what do you do here?
- I'm the station manager.
358
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,290
I run this whole deal.
359
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:16,125
You know what a lion is?
360
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,458
A lion is a strong animal.
361
00:15:18,958 --> 00:15:21,168
They do what the fuck they wanna do.
362
00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:24,833
Take what they want, eat what they want,
they run when they feel like it.
363
00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,127
Lion.
364
00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,247
And then Bobby...
365
00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,083
is the assistant manager,
366
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,957
and he's worked here
for a long time, too.
367
00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:34,042
Put me on speaker.
368
00:15:34,708 --> 00:15:35,788
Put me on speaker.
369
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:37,875
Put me on speaker now.
370
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,878
- Should I come back?
- Diane!
371
00:15:42,292 --> 00:15:43,422
Hey, Diane!
372
00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,042
Am I on speaker?
373
00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:47,247
- I'll come back.
- No, come in.
374
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:48,667
Am I on speaker?
375
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,500
All right, good.
376
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:51,497
Love you, bye.
377
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:52,423
Come in.
378
00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:53,583
What's up?
379
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:56,830
Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes
out of the break room?
380
00:15:56,917 --> 00:15:59,417
- What if I did?
- I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back!
381
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,934
All right.
I'll just write a check for you.
382
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,748
They're, like, $1.15 each.
383
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:03,883
Well, there was two boxes.
384
00:16:03,958 --> 00:16:05,498
All right, so, 3.50?
385
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,630
Hey!
386
00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:12,458
Where are you going?
387
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:13,620
We're going home.
388
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,577
No, you have to film at all times.
389
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:18,127
If I say, "Cut,"
that means keep the camera rolling.
390
00:16:18,208 --> 00:16:20,038
If I say,
"Get that camera out of my face,"
391
00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,205
put that camera in my face.
392
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,750
Okay?
393
00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,226
Let's do it again, from the top.
394
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,143
You wanna do this conversation again
from the top?
395
00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:30,037
Yeah, this is my life story.
You ruined that scene of my life story.
396
00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,082
So did you, by the way.
Let's take it from the top.
397
00:16:36,417 --> 00:16:37,707
Where are you going?
398
00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:39,172
I'm going home.
399
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,918
- That's bad acting. Bad acting.
- I don't buy it.
400
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,250
Welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
401
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:46,793
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
402
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,125
and my guest today is...
403
00:16:49,792 --> 00:16:50,792
Brie Larson.
404
00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:52,292
Thank you, Brie.
405
00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:54,498
You won Best Actress.
406
00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,753
Have you ever thought of aiming higher
and trying to win Best Actor?
407
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:00,583
Um...
408
00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,495
- I... Yeah...
- Good question.
409
00:17:02,583 --> 00:17:04,463
It is good. It's thought-provoking.
410
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:07,042
Your superhero character
is called Captain Marvel.
411
00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:08,125
Yes.
412
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,500
Boy, they really have stopped trying,
haven't they?
413
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,380
I mean, why don't they call it
Captain Comic Book,
414
00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:15,922
or Captain We Can't Think
Of Anything Else?
415
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,750
And what would your superhero name be?
416
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:18,883
Cap'n Crunch?
417
00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:23,168
I read online that you're very private
and decline to answer
418
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,040
questions that make you
feel uncomfortable.
419
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,875
This is a two-parter.
420
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:27,828
Is that true?
421
00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:30,207
And how old were you
when you got your first period?
422
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:35,287
His show's success
is absolutely predicated on the fact
423
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,325
that people are laughing at him,
424
00:17:37,583 --> 00:17:38,583
not with him.
425
00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:42,083
I think it's utterly fascinating
426
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,958
that someone that grotesque
427
00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:47,422
can actually be watchable.
428
00:17:49,458 --> 00:17:50,458
Hmm.
429
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:53,673
What is all this?
430
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,042
Carol!
431
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:12,170
- What's going on out here?
- Huh?
432
00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:13,577
What is going on?
433
00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:15,168
Something's going on with the pipes.
434
00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:17,101
Yeah, no kidding.
435
00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,075
What we have here is the perfect storm.
436
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,327
Old pipes, water line blockage.
437
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,130
And, for some weird reason,
438
00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:24,788
someone shoved
439
00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:28,075
a whole bunch
of shit-stained panty liners
440
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:29,542
down your commodes.
441
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:30,495
Come on, man!
442
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:32,963
This blockage is so major,
it could blow at any time.
443
00:18:33,042 --> 00:18:34,882
Whoever did this is gonna pay for it.
444
00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,518
Oh, disgusting!
445
00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:37,382
Oh, God!
446
00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:40,078
Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing
and the construction.
447
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,559
We're not gonna be able
to interview the guest...
448
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,923
This whole place
needs to be soundproof, okay?
449
00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:47,333
Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny.
450
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:50,167
I want everything peepless, okay?
451
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:51,250
Just do it!
452
00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:07,168
I mean, I would, I just...
453
00:19:07,375 --> 00:19:09,325
I watch RuPaul's Drag Race
with my roommate on...
454
00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:11,417
- You what?
- I'm watching TV tonight, so...
455
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,580
I would, but I can't tonight, sorry.
456
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:14,998
But, thank you.
457
00:19:17,292 --> 00:19:19,462
- Hey, Matthew. Zach.
- McConaughey, nice to meet you.
458
00:19:19,542 --> 00:19:21,542
- Nice to see you.
- Thanks so much for joining us.
459
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,184
The interview should be nice and easy.
460
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:38,458
Thanks so much for...
This'll be nice and short.
461
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,333
Are you ready to start?
462
00:19:40,375 --> 00:19:41,995
You have a major leak in here.
463
00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,735
- Everything all right there? Okay.
- No, everything's fine.
464
00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,917
Oh, my God.
465
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,920
Grab your smartphones!
466
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:03,880
Oh, God!
467
00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:05,518
Look out!
Gotta get out of here.
468
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:14,875
Oh, God!
469
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,208
Oh, my God.
470
00:20:16,792 --> 00:20:17,792
Oh, no.
471
00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,673
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
472
00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:27,165
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
473
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,708
My ferns!
474
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,670
What happened?
475
00:20:46,750 --> 00:20:47,960
My glasses!
476
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,287
Thank God I found you!
477
00:21:05,042 --> 00:21:06,042
Ah!
478
00:21:14,292 --> 00:21:16,172
I got a call from Will Ferrell
this morning.
479
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,380
He's very upset.
480
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,290
And he said to stand outside
of this station
481
00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:22,285
and be outside at 3:00 p.m.
482
00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:23,375
Is it 3:00?
483
00:21:55,917 --> 00:21:56,747
You.
484
00:21:56,833 --> 00:21:57,833
Me.
485
00:21:58,458 --> 00:21:59,458
Inside.
486
00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:05,458
Hey, look at this, okay?
487
00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,327
These are my clicks.
488
00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,787
My website runs on clicks.
489
00:22:09,875 --> 00:22:11,075
Can you see that?
490
00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:12,377
It's a lot of clicks, Will.
491
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,078
Or is the fat
drooping off your eyebrows
492
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:16,710
impairing your vision?
493
00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:20,415
Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey.
494
00:22:21,292 --> 00:22:22,292
He's dead?
495
00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:25,962
Well, they administered CPR to him,
and he...
496
00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:27,963
he's brought back to life.
497
00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:31,172
But... but yeah, he was,
he was momentarily dead.
498
00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:32,827
You are a murderer.
499
00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:34,497
It was a temporary murder, if it was...
500
00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:35,833
It was not a murder!
501
00:22:35,917 --> 00:22:37,627
Fine. I'll keep your secret.
502
00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,285
Okay? But you owe me.
503
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,083
Owe you what?
504
00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:44,002
Ten episodes
of Between Two Ferns, all right?
505
00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:45,893
And I need them three weeks from today.
506
00:22:46,958 --> 00:22:49,378
No. Hold on,
let's make this interesting.
507
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,168
How about two weeks from today?
508
00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:53,955
9:00 a.m.
509
00:22:54,042 --> 00:22:55,962
How? I can't film here anymore.
510
00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:58,292
You're just going to have to go
to the celebrities,
511
00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:00,127
wherever you can find them
512
00:23:00,333 --> 00:23:01,503
across the country.
513
00:23:01,583 --> 00:23:03,583
But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell?
514
00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,327
You'll be showered in...
515
00:23:05,958 --> 00:23:08,788
gold, and spices, and rare gems,
516
00:23:09,208 --> 00:23:10,668
rubies and emeralds.
517
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:12,290
But I don't want that stuff.
518
00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:15,633
If money is not
the treasure that you desire,
519
00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:17,248
then say it.
520
00:23:20,458 --> 00:23:21,958
What doth...
521
00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:23,875
thy...
522
00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:25,875
envision?
523
00:23:26,958 --> 00:23:28,378
I want my own network talk show.
524
00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:30,132
Five nights a week.
525
00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:32,328
With an "Applause" sign and an audience.
526
00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:35,793
I want people to laugh with me,
527
00:23:35,958 --> 00:23:36,958
not at me.
528
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,707
Fulfill the contract,
529
00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:42,417
you got a deal.
530
00:23:42,667 --> 00:23:45,377
Ten of your dumb internet talk show
531
00:23:45,833 --> 00:23:48,583
and you give me
a lifetime network talk show
532
00:23:48,667 --> 00:23:49,747
Lifetime?
533
00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:52,713
I'm a white man and I'm straight,
I deserve it.
534
00:23:53,917 --> 00:23:56,997
Fine. Your own talk show
on the Lifetime network.
535
00:23:58,208 --> 00:23:59,208
I'd take it.
536
00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:00,998
I'd just take it now.
537
00:24:01,833 --> 00:24:03,003
- Done.
- Done.
538
00:24:09,792 --> 00:24:10,792
I don't...
539
00:24:11,292 --> 00:24:12,132
Please bow.
540
00:24:12,208 --> 00:24:13,208
Are you...
541
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:16,080
I christen thee...
542
00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:17,527
This is not a thing you do.
543
00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:20,575
...worthy of the mantle
that is FOD.
544
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,922
Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis.
545
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,170
Ride your imaginary steed
546
00:24:27,917 --> 00:24:29,997
through the hills and valleys
547
00:24:31,125 --> 00:24:32,285
of this country
548
00:24:32,750 --> 00:24:33,790
that we know
549
00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:35,955
as America.
550
00:24:58,667 --> 00:24:59,707
Let's go!
551
00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,750
Not in the front! Go around.
552
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,627
Hey, watch it!
553
00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:10,503
Okay, guys,
Mr. Will Ferrell has promised
554
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,000
all of us
555
00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:14,667
a new...
556
00:25:14,917 --> 00:25:17,627
night-time network talk show.
557
00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:20,082
Whoa, he wants us all to work on it?
558
00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:21,247
Will Ferrell said this?
559
00:25:21,333 --> 00:25:23,043
Yep, he asked for you all by name,
560
00:25:23,125 --> 00:25:25,285
and he decided to pay for our entire trip.
561
00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:27,955
So, let's go out
and film some celebrities!
562
00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:28,962
Who?
563
00:25:29,042 --> 00:25:30,332
I'm not quite sure yet.
564
00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:32,920
- Carol's looking into that and as soon...
- I am?
565
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,760
She didn't even know
what we were doing here,
566
00:25:34,792 --> 00:25:36,072
she's not looking into anything!
567
00:25:36,125 --> 00:25:37,035
I'll start now.
568
00:25:37,125 --> 00:25:38,915
She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam.
569
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,143
It's actually better that you don't know
what's going on.
570
00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:44,627
Just point your camera
and shut the fuck up.
571
00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:47,787
That's a nice thing to hear
as you're getting kidnapped.
572
00:25:49,125 --> 00:25:50,575
And how long is this trip?
573
00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:53,503
The trip should take us just two...
574
00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:54,580
just two weeks.
575
00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:55,851
- Two weeks?
- Wait, two weeks?
576
00:25:55,875 --> 00:25:59,325
To get to the big time,
you gotta be a chance-taker.
577
00:25:59,417 --> 00:26:00,707
And I am a chance-taker.
578
00:26:00,792 --> 00:26:03,042
We're taking Between Two Ferns
on the road!
579
00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:05,578
Oh! Hey, Zach?
580
00:26:06,083 --> 00:26:07,423
Think I found someone.
581
00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:10,145
- Oh, good!
- They're three hours away.
582
00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:11,833
- No kidding?
- Yep.
583
00:26:11,917 --> 00:26:12,917
Who is it?
584
00:26:21,625 --> 00:26:24,125
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
585
00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:25,788
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
586
00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:29,383
My guess today is
Santa Claus with an eating disorder.
587
00:26:30,792 --> 00:26:31,632
You look good.
588
00:26:31,708 --> 00:26:32,788
Thanks, so do you.
589
00:26:32,917 --> 00:26:34,827
Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?
590
00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:38,253
You look like Steve Jobs now.
591
00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,333
Okay.
592
00:26:40,792 --> 00:26:43,632
Your Netflix show is called
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.
593
00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:47,125
Wouldn't a better title be
My Next Show Will Have No Viewers?
594
00:26:48,417 --> 00:26:50,627
Yeah, that... we considered that.
595
00:26:50,708 --> 00:26:52,038
And that didn't test well?
596
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:53,920
Oh, I think it tested very well,
597
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,670
but it hurt my feelings.
598
00:26:56,042 --> 00:26:57,832
Tell me about your long beard.
599
00:26:57,917 --> 00:26:59,667
Is that a Stupid Human Trick?
600
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:02,210
Is it Between Two Ferns
or Between the Ferns?
601
00:27:02,292 --> 00:27:03,502
Between Two Ferns.
602
00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:05,083
Yeah, but that's apparent.
603
00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:06,247
Your show was on late.
604
00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:08,833
Everybody knew it was late.
It was dark outside.
605
00:27:08,917 --> 00:27:10,226
Why did they call it the Late Show
606
00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:11,559
- or whatever they call it?
- Mmm.
607
00:27:11,583 --> 00:27:13,503
If you're going to get nitpicky
with titles of...
608
00:27:13,542 --> 00:27:14,542
I'm just saying,
609
00:27:14,792 --> 00:27:16,002
Between the Ferns, yes.
610
00:27:16,083 --> 00:27:17,883
Between Two Ferns, oh!
611
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,790
One day you might go crazy
and add a third.
612
00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:21,205
Then what are you going to do?
613
00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,187
- I haven't thought about that.
- Yeah.
614
00:27:24,625 --> 00:27:25,995
Plenty you haven't thought about.
615
00:27:27,208 --> 00:27:28,378
Your son's name is Harry.
616
00:27:28,458 --> 00:27:30,038
Did you name him after your face?
617
00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:33,253
Named him after my late father.
618
00:27:34,625 --> 00:27:35,745
How do you feel now?
619
00:27:35,917 --> 00:27:38,309
Well, I didn't know it was gonna go
into a bummer story like that.
620
00:27:38,333 --> 00:27:39,173
No, I know.
621
00:27:39,250 --> 00:27:42,790
But you don't have the capacity
for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.
622
00:27:43,250 --> 00:27:45,540
Can you take some constructive criticism?
623
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:47,923
Yeah.
624
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,460
People find you unpleasant.
625
00:27:50,167 --> 00:27:51,247
Mm. Thank you.
626
00:27:53,333 --> 00:27:55,173
You love fast cars.
627
00:27:55,542 --> 00:27:57,502
In what other ways is your penis small?
628
00:27:57,583 --> 00:27:59,793
Can I just say something about this?
629
00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,918
Not once has anyone discussed with me
630
00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:05,880
my penis, my size of my penis,
631
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,540
my use of my penis,
632
00:28:07,917 --> 00:28:08,957
or my testicles.
633
00:28:09,042 --> 00:28:12,002
So, I'm just curious
about the pathology behind this.
634
00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:13,101
Jesus Christ.
635
00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:14,125
What?
636
00:28:15,583 --> 00:28:16,583
What'd you say?
637
00:28:16,750 --> 00:28:18,080
I said, "Jesus Christ."
638
00:28:18,167 --> 00:28:20,787
Stop talk...
Do not editorialize right now, please.
639
00:28:20,875 --> 00:28:24,205
It's hard not to let it out
when it's such a stupid thing you said.
640
00:28:26,583 --> 00:28:28,934
It was a lot of fun, really.
Seriously. Thank you very much.
641
00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,601
- Thank you.
- I know you gotta run, so, thanks.
642
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,495
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to say that...
643
00:28:33,667 --> 00:28:35,997
you know, this has been
a real inspiration to me...
644
00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:38,583
- ...'cause I want my own talk show.
- Good. Good. Great.
645
00:28:38,667 --> 00:28:41,827
Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll
make me happy, like it made you happy.
646
00:28:43,667 --> 00:28:44,787
Yeah, I'm sure it will.
647
00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,205
Good luck on that.
648
00:28:48,042 --> 00:28:49,292
- Okay.
- Make you happy!
649
00:28:49,375 --> 00:28:51,285
- Right?
- Yeah!
650
00:28:51,708 --> 00:28:52,748
- Yeah.
- Okay.
651
00:28:52,833 --> 00:28:53,673
All right.
652
00:28:53,792 --> 00:28:55,934
- Thank you very much for your time.
- Which way do I go?
653
00:28:55,958 --> 00:28:57,328
Right up there, where the guy is.
654
00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,500
- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
655
00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:00,790
Okay. Bye-bye.
656
00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:02,543
Try to stay off the grass.
657
00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:05,893
- We're... in the grass.
- Thank you. All right, bye-bye.
658
00:29:05,917 --> 00:29:07,577
Bye-bye. Take care.
659
00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,125
Whoa.
660
00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:12,832
- Hello.
- What?
661
00:29:14,417 --> 00:29:15,417
What?
662
00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:17,460
Okay, what's going on?
663
00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:20,828
Are you gonna, like, make us all
smoosh in one shitty little room?
664
00:29:20,917 --> 00:29:22,357
No, Cam, no one would room with you.
665
00:29:22,417 --> 00:29:23,417
Good afternoon.
666
00:29:23,708 --> 00:29:25,498
Four rooms, please.
667
00:29:26,750 --> 00:29:28,101
- Four rooms?
- Four separate rooms.
668
00:29:28,125 --> 00:29:29,035
One...
669
00:29:29,125 --> 00:29:30,925
- We each getting our own room?
- Two...
670
00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:32,130
three, and four.
671
00:29:32,208 --> 00:29:33,828
- We each get our own room!
- Nice!
672
00:29:33,917 --> 00:29:34,917
That's nice.
673
00:29:35,750 --> 00:29:36,790
- Goodnight.
- Night.
674
00:29:42,667 --> 00:29:43,667
God...
675
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:45,250
Carol!
676
00:29:47,208 --> 00:29:49,393
Thanks so much for doing the show.
What are you doing in town?
677
00:29:49,417 --> 00:29:51,497
Oh, I'm here working, uh,
678
00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:53,252
on my foundation.
679
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,133
- What is it?
- Bones For Kids.
680
00:29:56,208 --> 00:29:58,498
It's for kids that are born
without bones.
681
00:29:58,583 --> 00:30:00,173
- God, that's terrible.
- I know.
682
00:30:00,625 --> 00:30:01,625
How can I help?
683
00:30:01,708 --> 00:30:04,538
You probably could stand
to donate some arm bones.
684
00:30:04,625 --> 00:30:06,025
You don't need all those arm bones.
685
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,000
This one you can keep.
686
00:30:08,083 --> 00:30:09,543
This one you can keep.
687
00:30:09,625 --> 00:30:10,875
But, for some child,
688
00:30:11,167 --> 00:30:12,247
that's a shin.
689
00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:13,625
Hmm.
690
00:30:15,167 --> 00:30:16,747
It seems like a bogus, like...
691
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,210
it's like a bogus charity thing,
692
00:30:20,292 --> 00:30:21,712
kids without boners... Bones!
693
00:30:21,833 --> 00:30:23,133
Without bones or something.
694
00:30:24,875 --> 00:30:26,555
Why were you putting a paper up to your...
695
00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:28,462
- I could totally hear you.
- Quiet.
696
00:30:28,750 --> 00:30:31,880
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
697
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:33,378
My guest today
698
00:30:33,958 --> 00:30:34,958
is Paul Rudd.
699
00:30:35,042 --> 00:30:36,502
- Thank you, Paul.
- Thank you.
700
00:30:37,542 --> 00:30:38,792
Some people have it all.
701
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,630
Looks, talent.
702
00:30:41,708 --> 00:30:43,248
How does it feel to only have looks?
703
00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:45,583
Great.
704
00:30:45,625 --> 00:30:47,285
If you didn't look the way you do,
705
00:30:47,375 --> 00:30:49,559
instead of acting,
what do you think you would be doing?
706
00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:50,583
Shoveling shit?
707
00:30:52,083 --> 00:30:53,403
I read that you might quit acting
708
00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:54,538
and just disappear?
709
00:30:55,708 --> 00:30:56,788
Where did you read that?
710
00:30:57,667 --> 00:30:59,167
Right here. I wrote it down.
711
00:31:00,667 --> 00:31:01,537
Which do you prefer,
712
00:31:01,625 --> 00:31:02,535
being in Marvel movies,
713
00:31:02,625 --> 00:31:04,915
or being in stuff
that nobody has ever heard of?
714
00:31:06,458 --> 00:31:07,788
Uh, being in Marvel movies.
715
00:31:07,875 --> 00:31:09,455
Do you go to your acting coach and go,
716
00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:12,132
"I've gotta play a goddamn ant,
what am I supposed to do?"
717
00:31:12,208 --> 00:31:13,708
You lost me at "acting coach."
718
00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:15,627
Yeah, that seems about right.
719
00:31:16,542 --> 00:31:18,332
What advice would you give
to a young actor
720
00:31:18,417 --> 00:31:20,787
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
721
00:31:20,875 --> 00:31:23,075
But I've never really tried
to hide my Jewishness.
722
00:31:23,167 --> 00:31:26,077
"I've really never tried
to hide my Jewishness."
723
00:31:26,667 --> 00:31:27,577
Yeah.
724
00:31:27,667 --> 00:31:29,957
Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it.
725
00:31:30,375 --> 00:31:33,285
No, he put it out there
for everybody to see.
726
00:31:33,375 --> 00:31:35,205
He's one of our best.
727
00:31:35,292 --> 00:31:37,082
- Are you practicing?
- No.
728
00:31:37,500 --> 00:31:38,830
I'm not a practicing Jew.
729
00:31:40,417 --> 00:31:41,497
I perfected it.
730
00:31:49,708 --> 00:31:50,828
- Zach?
- Yeah?
731
00:31:51,708 --> 00:31:52,878
Some bad news.
732
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,710
Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel.
733
00:31:55,792 --> 00:31:56,792
Why?
734
00:31:56,833 --> 00:31:58,753
He spelled his name wrong
on his plane ticket.
735
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,208
What?
736
00:32:00,542 --> 00:32:01,672
It's too many As.
737
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,710
- I don't know what to do.
- Ah! Oh, my God! Zach!
738
00:32:07,833 --> 00:32:09,753
Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen!
739
00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:11,417
She's a supermodel.
740
00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:12,500
How super?
741
00:32:12,750 --> 00:32:14,210
She's married to John Legend.
742
00:32:19,917 --> 00:32:21,327
Go talk to her. You have to.
743
00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:22,417
- I can't.
- Get up!
744
00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:24,955
Go! Go!
745
00:32:25,625 --> 00:32:26,625
Okay.
746
00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:31,750
- Hi.
- Hi.
747
00:32:32,792 --> 00:32:34,542
Another Brandy Alexander, please.
748
00:32:38,125 --> 00:32:40,245
- Hello.
- Oh, my God, I know you!
749
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,583
- You do?
- Oh, my God.
750
00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:43,377
You are the Between Two Ferns guy.
751
00:32:43,458 --> 00:32:44,918
I love your show.
752
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,000
You've seen my show?
753
00:32:46,292 --> 00:32:48,412
Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it.
It's so funny.
754
00:32:48,833 --> 00:32:50,333
You are so...
755
00:32:50,750 --> 00:32:51,750
uncomfortable,
756
00:32:51,792 --> 00:32:53,582
and weird, and awkward,
757
00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,957
and all your guests,
like, you can tell they hate it,
758
00:32:56,042 --> 00:32:57,122
- but they're there!
- Yeah.
759
00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,000
- I love it.
- Not really what I'm going for, but...
760
00:33:00,458 --> 00:33:02,248
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
761
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,380
Can I ask you a question?
762
00:33:05,458 --> 00:33:06,288
Shoot.
763
00:33:06,375 --> 00:33:07,875
How did you get started?
764
00:33:08,583 --> 00:33:10,673
How did you become...
765
00:33:10,750 --> 00:33:12,130
Everyone always asks me that,
766
00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:13,880
and it's actually a really funny story.
767
00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:15,628
So, it's 2003,
768
00:33:15,708 --> 00:33:18,418
this guy shows up at my door
with this box,
769
00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:21,380
and there's this button inside,
and he says, "If you push this button,
770
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,788
- your greatest dream will come true...
- Hmm.
771
00:33:23,875 --> 00:33:26,325
...but somebody, somewhere, will die."
772
00:33:27,042 --> 00:33:28,632
And so, I pushed it,
773
00:33:28,833 --> 00:33:30,043
Mister Rogers died...
774
00:33:30,125 --> 00:33:31,495
- What?
- ...and here I am.
775
00:33:32,708 --> 00:33:34,601
Wait, because you pushed the button,
you think that's...
776
00:33:34,625 --> 00:33:36,375
I mean, he had a good life, so...
777
00:33:39,167 --> 00:33:41,377
- I had a guest that dropped out...
- Mm-hmm.
778
00:33:41,833 --> 00:33:43,423
...just last-minute for my talk show.
779
00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:46,420
Is there anyway I can interview you?
780
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,880
I actually have a better idea.
781
00:33:54,583 --> 00:33:55,883
You're touching my hand.
782
00:33:56,542 --> 00:33:57,382
Listen...
783
00:33:57,458 --> 00:34:00,078
what if we take this upstairs?
784
00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:03,077
What about John Legend?
785
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:06,667
He's fine, he's probably
at home polishing his EGOT.
786
00:34:07,500 --> 00:34:09,170
Is that what he calls his penis?
787
00:34:20,167 --> 00:34:21,167
Come on.
788
00:34:33,958 --> 00:34:35,248
That was at my hotel room.
789
00:34:35,333 --> 00:34:36,503
How did you get that footage?
790
00:34:36,583 --> 00:34:37,883
There are cameras everywhere.
791
00:34:37,958 --> 00:34:39,498
You told me to never stop filming.
792
00:34:39,875 --> 00:34:42,955
This whole trip, you've been filming me
in every hotel room that I've been in?
793
00:34:43,417 --> 00:34:44,417
Yes.
794
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,540
Right. This is not in the documentary.
795
00:34:48,958 --> 00:34:49,958
Right?
796
00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:52,167
At all.
797
00:34:53,167 --> 00:34:54,207
Destroy it.
798
00:34:55,125 --> 00:34:56,125
Now.
799
00:34:56,375 --> 00:34:58,415
But before you do,
will you email me that?
800
00:35:04,333 --> 00:35:06,853
Hey, guys, welcome
to The Bear Pit. We cook with wood.
801
00:35:06,958 --> 00:35:09,168
Can I get you some honey gushers to start?
802
00:35:09,458 --> 00:35:10,458
What are honey gushers?
803
00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:11,500
It's just lemonade.
804
00:35:11,958 --> 00:35:13,038
Wow, you really sell it.
805
00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:15,170
Just telling it like it is.
806
00:35:15,250 --> 00:35:16,920
I'll take the fried chicken plate.
807
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,460
I'll get pork ribs.
808
00:35:18,542 --> 00:35:20,309
- I want the special. I want...
- Special.
809
00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:22,043
- Do you have sushi?
- I could...
810
00:35:22,125 --> 00:35:24,915
put some fish sticks
on a rice pilaf, I guess?
811
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,960
That's fine. Side of gravy.
812
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,684
Good enough.
I'll be right back with that, guys.
813
00:35:28,708 --> 00:35:30,601
- Thank you so much for your patience.
- And your name is?
814
00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:32,143
- My name is Mike.
- Thanks, Mike.
815
00:35:32,167 --> 00:35:34,087
- Thanks, Mike.
- You can call me Michael.
816
00:35:34,417 --> 00:35:35,417
Thanks, Mike.
817
00:35:35,583 --> 00:35:37,173
That's great, actually. Wow.
818
00:35:37,625 --> 00:35:39,625
- We're gonna go to the bathroom.
- Does he really?
819
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:40,883
Okay!
820
00:35:40,958 --> 00:35:41,958
Thank you so much.
821
00:35:43,125 --> 00:35:43,995
We got a celebrity!
822
00:35:44,083 --> 00:35:45,083
Oh, good!
823
00:35:45,583 --> 00:35:46,583
John Legend!
824
00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:49,078
Oh, I'm so excited!
825
00:35:49,375 --> 00:35:50,375
The...
826
00:35:50,625 --> 00:35:52,535
Yes, the piano man, yeah!
827
00:35:52,625 --> 00:35:54,726
He just called his manager out of the blue
this morning and was like,
828
00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:57,500
"I wanna be on that show,"
and he's on a plane right now flying here.
829
00:35:57,917 --> 00:35:58,917
- Right now?
- Yes.
830
00:35:59,083 --> 00:36:00,083
- Here?
- He's rushed.
831
00:36:00,375 --> 00:36:03,875
Honestly, I've never heard someone
sound so excited to do our show.
832
00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:08,875
Okay. Yeah, so...
when is he coming?
833
00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:10,809
- He's gonna be here in a second.
- Where is he? Where is he though?
834
00:36:10,833 --> 00:36:12,713
His team said he was minutes away.
835
00:36:12,833 --> 00:36:14,268
There's a chance
I might leave during the interview.
836
00:36:14,292 --> 00:36:15,632
- Zach!
- What?
837
00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:17,875
Hi.
838
00:36:21,458 --> 00:36:22,668
How are you, buddy?
839
00:36:22,917 --> 00:36:24,537
So good to see you, man.
840
00:36:24,833 --> 00:36:26,333
I'm so excited to be here.
841
00:36:26,625 --> 00:36:27,625
Oh, good.
842
00:36:28,167 --> 00:36:29,877
- Yeah, have... have a seat.
- Yeah.
843
00:36:30,125 --> 00:36:30,995
- Okay.
- Okay.
844
00:36:31,083 --> 00:36:31,923
Okay.
845
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,250
Oh! I've been wanting
to be on your show for so long.
846
00:36:35,333 --> 00:36:36,973
I've been talking to my manager about it.
847
00:36:37,042 --> 00:36:39,059
- I'm so excited to be here.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
848
00:36:39,083 --> 00:36:40,383
Is everything okay, Zach?
849
00:36:40,542 --> 00:36:41,934
Yeah, everything's... everything's fine,
850
00:36:41,958 --> 00:36:45,288
I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime...
Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes.
851
00:36:45,708 --> 00:36:46,708
Okay.
852
00:36:47,833 --> 00:36:52,133
Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh,
edition of Between Two Ferns.
853
00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:53,828
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
854
00:36:53,917 --> 00:36:55,037
and my guest today
855
00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:56,500
is John Legend.
856
00:36:56,583 --> 00:36:58,213
- Hey, Zach!
- Hey, John.
857
00:36:58,708 --> 00:37:00,458
Can I get an autograph for my mom?
858
00:37:00,542 --> 00:37:01,672
Sure, no problem.
859
00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:04,040
- Because she wants to give it to her mom.
- Okay.
860
00:37:04,792 --> 00:37:06,042
Grandmas are great, too.
861
00:37:08,417 --> 00:37:09,497
Are you okay with all this?
862
00:37:09,583 --> 00:37:10,833
I'm so okay with it.
863
00:37:11,458 --> 00:37:12,748
I'm having such a great time!
864
00:37:12,833 --> 00:37:13,833
Are you having fun?
865
00:37:16,792 --> 00:37:18,672
We have something in common, uh...
866
00:37:18,750 --> 00:37:21,170
which is we both
love to tickle the ivories.
867
00:37:21,250 --> 00:37:23,490
You play the piano
and I love to make white people laugh.
868
00:37:24,917 --> 00:37:25,917
You're great!
869
00:37:27,250 --> 00:37:28,330
This is good stuff.
870
00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:31,083
You have many titles, uh...
871
00:37:31,167 --> 00:37:32,417
musician, actor,
872
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,205
producer, philanthropist.
873
00:37:34,833 --> 00:37:35,753
But at the end of the day,
874
00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:38,193
aren't you just a millionaire
who's married to a supermodel?
875
00:37:42,417 --> 00:37:45,377
I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes.
876
00:37:46,042 --> 00:37:47,042
I'll look her up.
877
00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,333
He met her.
878
00:37:48,417 --> 00:37:49,327
- You met her?
- I did?
879
00:37:49,417 --> 00:37:50,417
Yeah.
880
00:37:50,708 --> 00:37:51,958
- When?
- Yes, of course.
881
00:37:52,542 --> 00:37:53,542
In the bar.
882
00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,293
You met my wife in a bar?
883
00:37:55,792 --> 00:37:57,434
I meet a lot of people.
I meet a lot of people.
884
00:37:57,458 --> 00:37:58,828
It was last night.
885
00:37:59,167 --> 00:38:00,827
You met my wife last night?
886
00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:03,018
- What does she look like?
- She's gorgeous.
887
00:38:03,042 --> 00:38:05,672
I told you, "Go over and talk to her,
we can get an interview."
888
00:38:07,292 --> 00:38:08,132
I don't remember her.
889
00:38:08,208 --> 00:38:09,928
Why are you
staring at me like this?
890
00:38:10,083 --> 00:38:10,923
What?
891
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,143
I feel you're trying to communicate
something that I don't get.
892
00:38:13,167 --> 00:38:14,377
Shut the fuck up.
893
00:38:18,458 --> 00:38:19,458
Carol.
894
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,000
Zach!
895
00:38:21,917 --> 00:38:22,997
That was fun, man.
896
00:38:23,417 --> 00:38:24,417
Yeah.
897
00:38:24,625 --> 00:38:25,625
Don't leave yet.
898
00:38:26,458 --> 00:38:27,538
Give me a hug, brother.
899
00:38:27,917 --> 00:38:28,917
Okay.
900
00:38:31,458 --> 00:38:33,168
I know what you did.
901
00:38:35,958 --> 00:38:37,328
Ah!
902
00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:44,000
God! God!
903
00:38:45,375 --> 00:38:46,875
Yeah. I'll be out in a second.
904
00:38:47,042 --> 00:38:48,402
Just meet me at the back entrance.
905
00:38:49,792 --> 00:38:50,792
Zach?
906
00:38:51,083 --> 00:38:51,923
What just happened?
907
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:53,750
He sprayed mace on my penis!
908
00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:54,673
What did you do?
909
00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:58,420
He's probably retaliating
'cause I had intercourse with his wife!
910
00:38:58,750 --> 00:38:59,750
What?
911
00:38:59,875 --> 00:39:03,745
I had sex with Chrissy Teigen.
912
00:39:03,833 --> 00:39:04,963
No, you didn't.
913
00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:07,920
Why else would he come
and spray me where it happened?
914
00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:09,250
Ew.
915
00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:10,960
It'll go away in, like, a half-hour.
916
00:39:11,042 --> 00:39:13,252
I've been sprayed before. It's not bad.
917
00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:17,293
Oh, God!
918
00:39:24,083 --> 00:39:25,793
Excuse me, Mr. Hamm?
919
00:39:25,875 --> 00:39:27,375
- Hi!
- Hi, my name is Zach,
920
00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:28,788
I have a public access talk show,
921
00:39:28,875 --> 00:39:31,156
and I was wondering
if you would like to be a guest on it?
922
00:39:33,583 --> 00:39:34,633
Absolutely.
923
00:39:34,708 --> 00:39:36,498
Guys, we're gonna need
to take a quick break.
924
00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:39,083
My friend Jack just asked me
to be on his TV show,
925
00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:40,827
and I don't say no to anything, so...
926
00:39:40,917 --> 00:39:43,827
Thank you so much. Yeah.
927
00:39:44,208 --> 00:39:47,328
The Me Too movement has been
an important learning process for men.
928
00:39:47,667 --> 00:39:49,307
Do you feel like
you've missed out on that
929
00:39:49,375 --> 00:39:52,175
because every woman you've ever met
just wants to fuck your brains out?
930
00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:56,882
Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced,
directed, and starred in A Star is Born.
931
00:39:56,958 --> 00:39:57,878
I hear it's great.
932
00:39:57,958 --> 00:40:00,788
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
933
00:40:01,917 --> 00:40:03,457
Uh, you know...
934
00:40:03,542 --> 00:40:06,212
At what point during the making of Tag
did you guys realize
935
00:40:06,292 --> 00:40:10,212
that you were making one of the most
iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced?
936
00:40:14,333 --> 00:40:15,543
I get it!
937
00:40:17,167 --> 00:40:19,707
My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld.
938
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:20,792
All right.
939
00:40:20,958 --> 00:40:23,128
- Nice to have you here, Sta... Stailee...
- Thank...
940
00:40:23,208 --> 00:40:25,128
To have... Nice to hear... Have...
941
00:40:25,458 --> 00:40:26,958
Nice to have you here, Stailee.
942
00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:29,210
You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3.
943
00:40:29,333 --> 00:40:31,133
Do you ever wish
you had been in the good one?
944
00:40:32,958 --> 00:40:34,958
You have 12 million Instagram followers.
945
00:40:35,542 --> 00:40:38,502
How long did it take you to apologize
to each one of them for Bumblebee?
946
00:40:39,542 --> 00:40:40,922
I walked out of that movie.
947
00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:43,420
I'm just kidding,
I didn't walk out of the movie.
948
00:40:43,958 --> 00:40:46,498
I skipped out
'cause I was so happy to be leaving.
949
00:40:46,583 --> 00:40:47,583
Wow.
950
00:40:48,375 --> 00:40:49,995
You dated a guy from One Direction.
951
00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:53,080
Which one direction
was his penis pointing, north or south?
952
00:40:55,583 --> 00:40:56,583
Are we done?
953
00:40:58,792 --> 00:41:00,212
Hey, Zach, could I get this?
954
00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,772
Absolutely. Matter of fact,
if you guys want some trinkets too,
955
00:41:02,833 --> 00:41:04,133
it's on me. My treat.
956
00:41:11,750 --> 00:41:13,290
My guest today is...
957
00:41:13,375 --> 00:41:14,375
Aquafina.
958
00:41:14,583 --> 00:41:15,583
Awkwafina.
959
00:41:15,667 --> 00:41:16,747
Like the water?
960
00:41:16,833 --> 00:41:18,883
Well, it's spelled differently, so...
961
00:41:18,958 --> 00:41:21,078
You've been raping since the age of 13...
962
00:41:21,167 --> 00:41:22,167
Rapping.
963
00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:24,038
- Rapping.
- That makes more sense.
964
00:41:25,083 --> 00:41:27,333
You starred in, um, Ocean's 8.
965
00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:28,327
It's a great movie.
966
00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:31,077
I'd love to see an all-male
reboot of Ocean's 8.
967
00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:32,880
- That would be nice.
- Yeah.
968
00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:34,708
There... It exists already.
969
00:41:34,875 --> 00:41:35,875
Couple of them.
970
00:41:35,917 --> 00:41:38,667
Couple of what?
Male versions of the female Ocean's 8?
971
00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:40,210
Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male...
972
00:41:40,292 --> 00:41:42,059
Next thing you're gonna tell me
there's a male Ghostbusters.
973
00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:43,083
There is.
974
00:41:44,250 --> 00:41:45,960
- It's with, um...
- Leslie Jones.
975
00:41:46,042 --> 00:41:47,042
No.
976
00:41:50,917 --> 00:41:53,247
You got famous for peeing from a zip line.
977
00:41:53,333 --> 00:41:54,463
What's your next project?
978
00:41:54,542 --> 00:41:55,922
Queefing on a ski lift?
979
00:41:56,333 --> 00:41:58,133
No, I already queefed on a podcast.
980
00:41:58,208 --> 00:42:00,168
Is that how you got your nickname,
Queef Latifah?
981
00:42:00,583 --> 00:42:01,463
Possibly.
982
00:42:01,542 --> 00:42:04,172
Do you ever wish people would stop
calling you a female comedian?
983
00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:05,625
Yeah.
984
00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:07,987
Don't you think they should
just call you a black comedian?
985
00:42:08,583 --> 00:42:10,833
It's better than them
calling me a male comedian.
986
00:42:11,292 --> 00:42:13,002
You were raised in the foster care system,
987
00:42:13,083 --> 00:42:15,543
which brings us to our sponsor,
Foster's beer.
988
00:42:15,875 --> 00:42:17,495
Can you look at this camera right here
989
00:42:17,583 --> 00:42:19,003
and say,
990
00:42:19,125 --> 00:42:20,393
"Foster beer,
991
00:42:20,417 --> 00:42:22,287
the best beer for foster kids."
992
00:42:22,375 --> 00:42:23,375
I'm not doing that.
993
00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:24,583
No.
994
00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:47,328
Hey, can I just take a second?
I wanted to, um...
995
00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:50,580
I just want to thank you guys
996
00:42:51,333 --> 00:42:53,333
for going on this venture with me,
and, uh...
997
00:42:53,833 --> 00:42:55,293
this has been a dream of mine.
998
00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:57,290
As a kid, I realized that people
999
00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625
love to point and laugh
and look at me.
1000
00:43:01,042 --> 00:43:02,132
And I knew then...
1001
00:43:03,167 --> 00:43:04,457
I have the It Factor.
1002
00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:09,325
So, I just wanted to thank you guys
for helping me capitalize on that.
1003
00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:10,958
Hey, I want to say,
1004
00:43:11,333 --> 00:43:13,133
when we first started
on this whole trip,
1005
00:43:13,208 --> 00:43:15,668
I found you to be annoying
and hard to be around,
1006
00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:17,750
and that hasn't changed.
1007
00:43:18,958 --> 00:43:20,328
I'm kidding!
1008
00:43:20,417 --> 00:43:21,247
Ha!
1009
00:43:21,333 --> 00:43:22,684
- Yeah, I know! Yeah.
- That's why it's funny,
1010
00:43:22,708 --> 00:43:24,458
'cause it has changed.
I actually,
1011
00:43:24,917 --> 00:43:26,077
you know, I think...
1012
00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:28,207
I don't know, I kinda...
1013
00:43:28,292 --> 00:43:29,172
I like you.
1014
00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:30,790
- Wow.
- Well...
1015
00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:32,498
thank you, Cam.
1016
00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:33,583
You're welcome.
1017
00:43:33,625 --> 00:43:36,165
Well, I'd like to say
a little something, too.
1018
00:43:36,250 --> 00:43:38,710
Ever since my dad shot my mom
and then killed himself,
1019
00:43:38,792 --> 00:43:40,292
I felt kind of...
1020
00:43:40,583 --> 00:43:41,423
unmoored,
1021
00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:43,790
but you've made me really
feel stable and needed.
1022
00:43:43,875 --> 00:43:45,325
- So, thank you so much.
- What?
1023
00:43:45,750 --> 00:43:49,290
Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom
then killed himself, 'cause...
1024
00:43:49,375 --> 00:43:51,455
- When... when did that happen?
- A while ago.
1025
00:43:51,625 --> 00:43:52,625
Like, a month.
1026
00:43:53,375 --> 00:43:56,035
You didn't take any time off of work,
you didn't say anything?
1027
00:43:56,125 --> 00:43:57,125
I'm fine.
1028
00:43:58,625 --> 00:43:59,535
I'd like to do a toast,
1029
00:43:59,625 --> 00:44:00,726
- if that's possible?
- Yeah.
1030
00:44:00,750 --> 00:44:01,830
- Yeah.
- Let's do a toast.
1031
00:44:01,917 --> 00:44:02,917
Okay.
1032
00:44:03,583 --> 00:44:05,253
Here's to the crazy ones,
1033
00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:07,167
the misfits,
1034
00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:08,667
maniacs,
1035
00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,000
to the loonies,
1036
00:44:10,542 --> 00:44:11,542
and ding-dongs.
1037
00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:14,415
And some people would say
that we're the crazy ones,
1038
00:44:14,958 --> 00:44:15,958
but I think...
1039
00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:17,580
we're geniuses,
1040
00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,328
because we're...
1041
00:44:19,875 --> 00:44:20,915
crazy enough
1042
00:44:23,125 --> 00:44:25,495
to try to change
this ding-dong crazy world.
1043
00:44:26,792 --> 00:44:27,632
Cheers.
1044
00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:29,498
That was a great speech.
1045
00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:32,253
Would you like to, uh, dance?
1046
00:44:33,250 --> 00:44:34,250
With me, though.
1047
00:44:34,583 --> 00:44:35,583
- Yes. Okay.
- Okay.
1048
00:44:42,375 --> 00:44:43,495
You wanna dance?
1049
00:44:43,583 --> 00:44:44,633
I wanna dance alone.
1050
00:44:50,167 --> 00:44:51,957
Come on, Cam!
1051
00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:53,378
Come on.
1052
00:45:12,583 --> 00:45:13,583
Hello.
1053
00:45:14,125 --> 00:45:14,955
Hi.
1054
00:45:15,042 --> 00:45:16,082
Room 203.
1055
00:45:16,167 --> 00:45:18,497
There should be some...
several rooms under that.
1056
00:45:18,583 --> 00:45:20,333
Yes, here's your receipt.
1057
00:45:21,458 --> 00:45:23,038
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
1058
00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:24,500
Very much.
1059
00:45:25,542 --> 00:45:26,832
What are all these charges?
1060
00:45:26,917 --> 00:45:27,997
It's itemized, sir.
1061
00:45:28,542 --> 00:45:31,172
I just, I didn't realize
when you take out the, um,
1062
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,750
the crackers in the snack drawer
that they charge you for it or the drinks.
1063
00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:36,883
You didn't realize that?
1064
00:45:36,958 --> 00:45:39,726
Well, I didn't know, like, even if you
put it back, you're still charged.
1065
00:45:39,750 --> 00:45:42,880
If you eat it or drink it, yes.
1066
00:45:42,958 --> 00:45:44,288
Did you eat the stuff, too?
1067
00:45:44,375 --> 00:45:45,875
I moved it and then I ate it, yeah.
1068
00:45:46,042 --> 00:45:49,002
But, just 'cause I move it
I shouldn't be charged.
1069
00:45:49,083 --> 00:45:50,793
What are these? Those look like...
1070
00:45:51,292 --> 00:45:52,462
I rented one movie.
1071
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:54,125
Big deal.
1072
00:45:55,333 --> 00:45:56,333
Is that porn?
1073
00:45:57,083 --> 00:45:59,503
I thought it was Analyze This,
but it was Anal-yze This.
1074
00:46:00,125 --> 00:46:02,018
They didn't even have to change
the spelling of it.
1075
00:46:02,042 --> 00:46:04,672
You rented Anal-yze This
several times in a row.
1076
00:46:04,750 --> 00:46:07,710
I kept hitting it 'cause I was,
"Well, maybe Analyze This will come..."
1077
00:46:07,833 --> 00:46:09,503
The point being is...
1078
00:46:09,625 --> 00:46:12,225
You should see the guy they had
playing Billy Crystal, by the way.
1079
00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:15,726
- I'm not paying for this.
- You've already paid for it.
1080
00:46:15,750 --> 00:46:16,960
This is just your receipt.
1081
00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,213
But, I'm saying
I'm not paying for it... again.
1082
00:46:25,708 --> 00:46:27,538
- I'm hungry.
- I'm starving.
1083
00:46:27,625 --> 00:46:28,535
I'm so hungry.
1084
00:46:28,625 --> 00:46:30,705
You guys wanna do
a family-style type thing?
1085
00:46:31,792 --> 00:46:34,042
No, I think we each
wanted to get our own thing.
1086
00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:35,035
- I was...
- Hey, gang.
1087
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,125
Did you get a chance
to look at the menus here?
1088
00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:38,248
I'll take a grape juice...
1089
00:46:38,333 --> 00:46:41,003
Uh, no, we'll have, uh,
four waters for the table.
1090
00:46:41,083 --> 00:46:41,923
No grape juice.
1091
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:43,380
Can I get an orange soda?
1092
00:46:43,458 --> 00:46:44,643
- Okay, orange...
- We'll split.
1093
00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:46,147
Maybe we can split a soda three ways.
1094
00:46:46,208 --> 00:46:48,038
Can you do one soda with two extra cups,
1095
00:46:48,125 --> 00:46:51,285
but just charge us once, and then
put the other two, just put refills in it?
1096
00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:52,495
It just has to be...
1097
00:46:52,708 --> 00:46:54,748
one cup you all share.
1098
00:46:55,042 --> 00:46:57,042
I can bring four straws?
1099
00:46:57,167 --> 00:46:58,377
Sweet. Cool.
1100
00:46:58,458 --> 00:47:00,378
How many clam strips come in an order?
1101
00:47:00,458 --> 00:47:01,498
Six.
1102
00:47:01,583 --> 00:47:04,333
- How big are they?
- Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip?
1103
00:47:05,042 --> 00:47:06,922
I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.
1104
00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:10,875
No, I mean like baked into a strip, not...
1105
00:47:12,542 --> 00:47:13,792
- You bake them?
- That's fine.
1106
00:47:13,875 --> 00:47:17,285
One is good. Look, we'll get an order
of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna.
1107
00:47:17,542 --> 00:47:19,172
And can I get a, uh...
1108
00:47:19,250 --> 00:47:20,580
mug of hot water, please?
1109
00:47:24,125 --> 00:47:25,575
What were you saying earlier
1110
00:47:25,667 --> 00:47:28,627
about your buddy Martin Freeman
being the only good part of Black Panther?
1111
00:47:28,708 --> 00:47:29,538
What?
1112
00:47:29,625 --> 00:47:31,825
It's just a weird thing to say
to someone you just met.
1113
00:47:32,250 --> 00:47:33,670
- But I didn't say that.
- Ready?
1114
00:47:34,042 --> 00:47:36,962
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
1115
00:47:37,042 --> 00:47:39,252
I'm your host,
Zach Galifianakis, and...
1116
00:47:39,708 --> 00:47:41,418
my guest today is
1117
00:47:41,500 --> 00:47:43,750
Benedick Cumberbut... Batch.
1118
00:47:44,417 --> 00:47:46,627
Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat... Bun.
1119
00:47:47,083 --> 00:47:48,083
Cam...
1120
00:47:48,667 --> 00:47:49,707
Benedick Cam...
1121
00:47:50,458 --> 00:47:51,458
Benefit Lumberjacks.
1122
00:47:51,542 --> 00:47:52,672
Ju... Uh, Bit...
1123
00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:53,934
- Uh, Benedict...
- Cumberdit...
1124
00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:55,128
Cumberba... Uh...
1125
00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,170
Benedict Cumberbatch.
1126
00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:58,705
- That's what it is.
- Yeah.
1127
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:01,422
You once said
you're your own worst critic.
1128
00:48:02,333 --> 00:48:04,173
So, you haven't read any of your reviews?
1129
00:48:04,250 --> 00:48:05,250
No, no, I try not to.
1130
00:48:05,333 --> 00:48:06,976
Has there ever been
anything negative written about...
1131
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,000
Oh, yeah.
1132
00:48:08,583 --> 00:48:10,253
A horse-faced, wooden...
1133
00:48:10,667 --> 00:48:12,518
- I see that, now you say that.
- ...oddly-named.
1134
00:48:12,542 --> 00:48:14,172
- That I do see.
- Yeah.
1135
00:48:14,583 --> 00:48:17,213
You got your start doing theater
and independent films.
1136
00:48:17,292 --> 00:48:18,292
I did.
1137
00:48:18,333 --> 00:48:20,213
And now you're acting
in Marvel movies.
1138
00:48:20,292 --> 00:48:22,042
How good does it feel to sell-out?
1139
00:48:24,042 --> 00:48:25,502
Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out.
1140
00:48:25,583 --> 00:48:27,293
I think they're pretty cool films.
1141
00:48:27,375 --> 00:48:29,625
There's a lot for an actor to do in them.
So...
1142
00:48:29,708 --> 00:48:30,708
You wear a cape?
1143
00:48:30,917 --> 00:48:31,997
No, I wear a cloak.
1144
00:48:35,292 --> 00:48:38,962
Do you think you play smart characters
like Sherlock Holmes because you have...
1145
00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:41,630
you have one of these,
you know, these faces...
1146
00:48:41,708 --> 00:48:44,628
Can we... Is there a...
Let's just get a close-up here.
1147
00:48:44,708 --> 00:48:46,378
It's a face that could go either way.
1148
00:48:46,625 --> 00:48:48,995
It can use inductive reasoning
to solve mysteries,
1149
00:48:49,083 --> 00:48:50,713
or it's the type of face that...
1150
00:48:51,083 --> 00:48:53,043
masturbates all day wearing a helmet.
1151
00:48:53,875 --> 00:48:55,035
See, it's a fine line.
1152
00:48:57,042 --> 00:48:59,252
You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie.
1153
00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:00,633
I did, yes.
1154
00:49:01,125 --> 00:49:03,325
This is Vincent van Gogh
answering his cell phone.
1155
00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:05,292
Hello...
1156
00:49:05,625 --> 00:49:06,625
Hello?
1157
00:49:07,750 --> 00:49:08,750
It's hilarious.
1158
00:49:09,292 --> 00:49:10,712
If you didn't have an accent,
1159
00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,792
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
1160
00:49:14,083 --> 00:49:16,583
Yeah, no, I think my accent
probably does help, that's true.
1161
00:49:16,667 --> 00:49:17,957
Can you do an American accent?
1162
00:49:18,792 --> 00:49:19,632
Yes, I can.
1163
00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:20,830
Um...
1164
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:22,665
okay, maybe I'll give you a few words?
1165
00:49:22,750 --> 00:49:23,580
Sure.
1166
00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:26,417
That's a nice bicycle you have there,
my young son.
1167
00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:32,285
Well, that's a nice
bicycle you have there, my young son.
1168
00:49:33,208 --> 00:49:35,958
- Pervert. Get away from me.
- Pervert. Get away from me.
1169
00:49:36,042 --> 00:49:38,202
- No, that's me responding.
- No, that's me responding.
1170
00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:42,458
- You have a rabid fan base, and it's...
- A what?
1171
00:49:42,542 --> 00:49:44,862
- You have a rabid...
- I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry.
1172
00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:47,290
Why... I said rabid.
1173
00:49:47,375 --> 00:49:48,495
It's vowels with you,
1174
00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:50,673
so I can't sometimes
understand what you're saying.
1175
00:49:50,750 --> 00:49:53,170
All right, I'll say "rabbit."
You have a "rabbit" fan base.
1176
00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:54,559
- That what you want?
- No, just "d", "d".
1177
00:49:54,583 --> 00:49:56,883
You have a fan base full of rabbits.
1178
00:49:56,958 --> 00:49:57,958
Rabid.
1179
00:49:58,667 --> 00:50:00,827
Do they fuck a lot
while they come see your plays?
1180
00:50:00,917 --> 00:50:03,417
Are the rabbits always
having sex in the audience,
1181
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:04,500
- while...
- Unbelievable.
1182
00:50:04,583 --> 00:50:06,793
Are you good friends
with the Easter Bunny?
1183
00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:08,575
Do you know Bugs?
1184
00:50:17,417 --> 00:50:19,127
Everything, uh, everything good?
1185
00:50:19,208 --> 00:50:21,458
You got kinda heated in there with...
1186
00:50:21,542 --> 00:50:24,132
with Cumber... Cumercleat...
Cumbercleatch.
1187
00:50:24,208 --> 00:50:26,078
It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch.
1188
00:50:26,167 --> 00:50:28,287
I just... Look, I...
1189
00:50:29,042 --> 00:50:31,962
I don't wanna put this on you guys,
but, uh...
1190
00:50:32,417 --> 00:50:33,707
we're in a little bit of a...
1191
00:50:34,333 --> 00:50:37,253
budget situation,
we're strapped for cash right now.
1192
00:50:37,333 --> 00:50:39,753
That's okay, you can just
call Will Ferrell.
1193
00:50:39,833 --> 00:50:41,143
- Oh, yeah.
- He can send more money.
1194
00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:42,167
I'll call him right now.
1195
00:50:42,458 --> 00:50:43,893
- Don't do...
- How do you spell Ferrell?
1196
00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:44,917
Don't do that.
1197
00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:49,075
When I said that he was
bankrolling this project,
1198
00:50:49,167 --> 00:50:50,167
I meant...
1199
00:50:50,333 --> 00:50:53,133
I meant he was bankrolling it
in the future tense.
1200
00:50:53,708 --> 00:50:54,708
What?
1201
00:50:54,792 --> 00:50:56,632
He didn't give us any money upfront,
1202
00:50:56,708 --> 00:50:58,168
and we're running low.
1203
00:50:58,750 --> 00:51:00,040
So, you lied about Will Ferrell?
1204
00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:01,125
Oh, that's great.
1205
00:51:01,167 --> 00:51:04,287
Let me guess, he never actually said
that we could be a part of the show?
1206
00:51:04,375 --> 00:51:05,825
Did you lie about that, too?
1207
00:51:05,917 --> 00:51:08,377
As soon as we get to Los Angeles,
everything will be fine.
1208
00:51:08,458 --> 00:51:09,918
I'm not gonna leave you guys behind.
1209
00:51:10,958 --> 00:51:11,958
We're friends.
1210
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:13,000
Oh, are we?
1211
00:51:13,417 --> 00:51:15,667
Are we? Or are we just
a bunch of dumb shits
1212
00:51:16,125 --> 00:51:18,625
that you tricked
into doing unpaid labor for you?
1213
00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:19,708
Come on. Come on.
1214
00:51:24,583 --> 00:51:25,583
Carol...
1215
00:51:40,375 --> 00:51:42,035
- Hi, Norma!
- Hi, Tessa!
1216
00:51:42,125 --> 00:51:44,268
What are you doing out here
in the middle of nowhere anyway?
1217
00:51:44,292 --> 00:51:46,582
I'm researching for a film
that I'm doing next.
1218
00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:47,667
What kind of research?
1219
00:51:47,750 --> 00:51:50,380
I'm just learning
how to be a boring person.
1220
00:51:50,458 --> 00:51:51,498
Oh, really?
1221
00:51:51,625 --> 00:51:53,455
My guest today is...
1222
00:51:54,042 --> 00:51:55,332
Tesla Thompson.
1223
00:51:55,458 --> 00:51:56,768
- Tesla? Tesla Thompson?
- Tessa.
1224
00:51:56,792 --> 00:51:58,792
No, Tes... Yeah, just Tessa.
1225
00:51:58,875 --> 00:51:59,875
Like the car.
1226
00:51:59,917 --> 00:52:01,476
- No, no, unlike the car.
- Tesla, like the car?
1227
00:52:01,500 --> 00:52:03,393
- Like, if you take the "L" out of it.
- But, it says,
1228
00:52:03,417 --> 00:52:04,417
"Tessa...
1229
00:52:04,542 --> 00:52:06,502
parenthetically, like the car."
1230
00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:08,434
But, you don't say it
like you say the car.
1231
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,828
'Cause then that's not my name.
1232
00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:11,127
I drive a Tessa.
1233
00:52:11,625 --> 00:52:12,625
You were in Creed.
1234
00:52:12,667 --> 00:52:13,667
Mm-hmm.
1235
00:52:13,708 --> 00:52:15,128
What's Scott Stapp like?
1236
00:52:15,208 --> 00:52:17,128
- Who?
- The singer in your band.
1237
00:52:17,958 --> 00:52:19,708
Were you in Cr...
It says you were in Creed.
1238
00:52:19,792 --> 00:52:21,252
No, the movie, not the band.
1239
00:52:21,958 --> 00:52:23,578
Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like?
1240
00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:27,582
I never... I didn't...
We didn't meet 'cause I'm...
1241
00:52:27,958 --> 00:52:29,418
They weren't involved in the movie.
1242
00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:32,330
But, would you like to meet him one day?
1243
00:52:32,958 --> 00:52:34,078
I mean, yeah, sure,
1244
00:52:34,167 --> 00:52:37,707
if the opportunity presented itself
and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah.
1245
00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:41,082
Women are always being told
to watch their weight in Hollywood.
1246
00:52:41,167 --> 00:52:44,827
So, why do you think so many actresses
could still stand to lose a few pounds?
1247
00:52:45,250 --> 00:52:46,710
I mean, you look at Hollywood
1248
00:52:46,792 --> 00:52:48,792
and all the men
that get to age gracefully.
1249
00:52:48,875 --> 00:52:52,075
It looks like they haven't been to a gym,
1250
00:52:52,167 --> 00:52:54,037
they get to come in disheveled,
1251
00:52:54,125 --> 00:52:55,955
and they look like they need to shower,
1252
00:52:56,042 --> 00:52:58,332
and they're wearing
just, like, some blazer,
1253
00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:00,627
and be told
that they just look distinguished,
1254
00:53:00,708 --> 00:53:01,918
but really they just look...
1255
00:53:02,667 --> 00:53:04,077
pretty disgusting, so...
1256
00:53:04,458 --> 00:53:05,708
Yeah, I hear you.
1257
00:53:05,917 --> 00:53:07,268
That's... that's gotta be frustrating.
1258
00:53:07,292 --> 00:53:08,292
Yeah.
1259
00:53:11,458 --> 00:53:14,788
- So this like a shortcut?
- Where are we going?
1260
00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:16,893
I don't know if this
is where you check in, or...
1261
00:53:16,917 --> 00:53:17,747
Now what?
1262
00:53:17,875 --> 00:53:20,355
- What do you mean?
- We'll see what's going on.
1263
00:53:26,542 --> 00:53:28,184
- This looks weird.
- Where are we?
1264
00:53:28,208 --> 00:53:29,578
This where we're staying tonight.
1265
00:53:30,125 --> 00:53:32,375
You said we were staying
at the Four Seasons.
1266
00:53:33,125 --> 00:53:37,495
I said that we were staying at a place
that was closed for three of the seasons.
1267
00:53:37,583 --> 00:53:38,893
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We're supposed to believe that?
1268
00:53:38,917 --> 00:53:40,393
That's exactly what I said
and for you guys
1269
00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:42,097
to run your mouths
like it was something...
1270
00:53:42,125 --> 00:53:44,625
You are a liar and you have deceived us.
1271
00:53:44,708 --> 00:53:46,708
Yes, it's an abandoned campground,
1272
00:53:46,792 --> 00:53:49,332
but let's just stay here for the night
and have some fun.
1273
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,250
He's crazy. He's literally losing it.
1274
00:53:53,333 --> 00:53:54,809
He's under a lot of stress.
1275
00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,083
But, we only have one more episode to go.
1276
00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,407
Hey, Zach found a fishing pole,
1277
00:53:58,458 --> 00:54:00,698
so we're gonna go on the lake
and try to catch something.
1278
00:54:05,625 --> 00:54:07,325
Let me put the hot dog on it.
1279
00:54:07,875 --> 00:54:09,165
- You have a hot dog?
- Yeah.
1280
00:54:09,792 --> 00:54:10,792
We could've eaten that.
1281
00:54:10,833 --> 00:54:11,833
You want a piece?
1282
00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:13,893
- No, I don't wanna a piece.
- I can give you that one.
1283
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,327
It's been in your pocket all day.
1284
00:54:15,417 --> 00:54:17,417
It's only two days old, it's fine.
Hot dogs keep.
1285
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:19,250
- Use it.
- Fine.
1286
00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:23,580
Just give me a second.
1287
00:54:28,833 --> 00:54:29,833
You get caught?
1288
00:54:30,458 --> 00:54:31,998
- You gotta get it...
- God Almighty!
1289
00:54:33,375 --> 00:54:34,825
Hey.
1290
00:54:37,208 --> 00:54:38,208
What's going on?
1291
00:54:38,708 --> 00:54:39,708
I just feel like...
1292
00:54:40,750 --> 00:54:41,790
What are we doing?
1293
00:54:42,542 --> 00:54:46,252
I... I'm fishing on a giant goose
looking for food.
1294
00:54:46,875 --> 00:54:47,995
You got this.
1295
00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:50,500
You're gonna catch us fish for dinner,
1296
00:54:50,583 --> 00:54:52,583
we're all going to eat like kings tonight.
1297
00:54:53,292 --> 00:54:56,212
And you're gonna make a TV show
that's going to change the entire world.
1298
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,000
Okay?
1299
00:54:58,583 --> 00:54:59,583
I believe in you.
1300
00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,420
You can't just give up
when someone believes in you.
1301
00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:09,693
I don't know what I'd do without you,
Carol, I really don't.
1302
00:55:14,208 --> 00:55:16,498
If you could do anything with your life,
what would it be?
1303
00:55:17,458 --> 00:55:18,458
Forget me,
1304
00:55:18,833 --> 00:55:20,003
forget the cable access.
1305
00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:21,083
What would you do?
1306
00:55:21,458 --> 00:55:23,828
Once upon a time,
I thought about being a trumpet player.
1307
00:55:25,833 --> 00:55:28,383
That was right before we left
on this trip. I bought a trumpet.
1308
00:55:32,292 --> 00:55:33,792
- That was in your purse?
- Yeah.
1309
00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:36,288
Just in case I ever get the guts
to give it a toot.
1310
00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:38,673
Well, what are you afraid of?
1311
00:55:40,125 --> 00:55:41,705
I'm scared I might be too good at it,
1312
00:55:42,292 --> 00:55:43,372
and I'll have to leave you.
1313
00:55:44,042 --> 00:55:45,212
Well, then you become...
1314
00:55:46,042 --> 00:55:48,752
a famous trumpeter
and you leave me behind. It's okay.
1315
00:55:49,167 --> 00:55:50,917
If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead.
1316
00:55:51,542 --> 00:55:53,462
Lip up. Give that thing a toot.
1317
00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:55,333
Okay.
1318
00:55:55,875 --> 00:55:56,875
Okay!
1319
00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,713
I watched a ton of videos
on how to do it.
1320
00:56:19,917 --> 00:56:20,747
It's a good start.
1321
00:56:20,833 --> 00:56:22,043
You play that trumpet.
1322
00:56:22,667 --> 00:56:24,037
I'm gonna catch us some fish.
1323
00:56:36,708 --> 00:56:39,248
Okay, everybody.
Can everybody gather round, please?
1324
00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:40,625
Gather round.
1325
00:56:40,958 --> 00:56:41,958
All right.
1326
00:56:42,042 --> 00:56:43,832
So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house.
1327
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,790
This is our last interview.
Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus.
1328
00:56:47,458 --> 00:56:48,458
I have a plan.
1329
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,290
Carol, he's going to be distracted
during the interview.
1330
00:56:51,833 --> 00:56:54,003
I need you to steal some of his stuff.
1331
00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:55,923
- What?
- What? No!
1332
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:57,601
- We're not stealing!
- You can't do that. No.
1333
00:56:57,625 --> 00:57:00,455
I know... Not a lot of stuff,
just enough stuff so I can sell it later,
1334
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,422
so we have some dough.
1335
00:57:01,500 --> 00:57:04,018
- I don't feel comfortable with that.
- You don't have to do that.
1336
00:57:04,042 --> 00:57:05,132
Okay, I'll do it.
1337
00:57:05,792 --> 00:57:07,872
You have to work the camera.
Plus, you're too stupid.
1338
00:57:08,833 --> 00:57:09,833
Carol,
1339
00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:11,328
if we don't get to Los Angeles...
1340
00:57:12,833 --> 00:57:14,253
our talk show dreams are over.
1341
00:57:16,708 --> 00:57:17,708
Please?
1342
00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:21,333
Okay.
1343
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,920
Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff.
1344
00:57:24,583 --> 00:57:25,713
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1345
00:57:25,792 --> 00:57:26,792
Okay!
1346
00:57:27,208 --> 00:57:28,628
Game faces! Let's go.
1347
00:57:29,125 --> 00:57:30,995
All right. I'll get the ferns.
1348
00:57:37,750 --> 00:57:39,000
Hey, yeah,
1349
00:57:39,292 --> 00:57:41,172
the Ferns peoples.
1350
00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:42,542
Come on.
1351
00:57:45,167 --> 00:57:46,377
Come on, don't be shy.
1352
00:57:47,792 --> 00:57:49,212
Late one last night.
1353
00:57:49,750 --> 00:57:50,750
Oh, wow.
1354
00:57:51,333 --> 00:57:52,503
What a fancy house.
1355
00:57:52,833 --> 00:57:54,963
Tell us about
all of your expensive things.
1356
00:57:55,375 --> 00:57:56,875
All right.
1357
00:57:57,667 --> 00:57:59,377
I was just about to anyway.
1358
00:57:59,458 --> 00:58:01,578
You're noticing my Warhol, I see.
1359
00:58:02,250 --> 00:58:03,250
Wow.
1360
00:58:03,292 --> 00:58:04,462
Must be really expensive.
1361
00:58:04,542 --> 00:58:07,962
Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal.
1362
00:58:08,042 --> 00:58:09,632
Was LaCroix around back then?
1363
00:58:09,708 --> 00:58:10,708
Yeah.
1364
00:58:10,917 --> 00:58:11,827
LaCroix!
1365
00:58:11,917 --> 00:58:14,377
Seems like it must be
hard to get that off the wall.
1366
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,000
Over here...
1367
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,130
Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin?
1368
00:58:21,583 --> 00:58:22,713
It's not even out yet!
1369
00:58:23,042 --> 00:58:25,282
I bet that would fetch a pretty penny
on the open market.
1370
00:58:26,208 --> 00:58:27,208
Check this out.
1371
00:58:30,250 --> 00:58:31,880
Et voilà.
1372
00:58:32,917 --> 00:58:34,417
Are those Fabergé eggs?
1373
00:58:34,500 --> 00:58:35,830
Yes, they are indeed.
1374
00:58:35,917 --> 00:58:36,747
Wow.
1375
00:58:36,917 --> 00:58:39,207
You know what's the most amazing thing
about this, though?
1376
00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:40,583
Uh...
1377
00:58:41,417 --> 00:58:42,627
Fabergé egg carton.
1378
00:58:43,083 --> 00:58:44,083
Wow.
1379
00:58:44,375 --> 00:58:46,018
- Is that worth a lot of money?
- Oh...
1380
00:58:46,042 --> 00:58:47,462
- Like, how much?
- Oh...
1381
00:58:47,750 --> 00:58:49,540
You can't even
think of a number that high.
1382
00:58:49,625 --> 00:58:50,665
Okay, great.
1383
00:58:51,167 --> 00:58:52,917
Thank you.
We'll set up for the interview.
1384
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,101
So, we're gonna do the interview?
1385
00:58:54,125 --> 00:58:55,125
Let's do it.
1386
00:59:00,167 --> 00:59:02,457
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
1387
00:59:02,542 --> 00:59:04,632
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
1388
00:59:04,708 --> 00:59:06,208
and my guest today...
1389
00:59:06,667 --> 00:59:08,167
is Peter Dinklage.
1390
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,290
Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage.
1391
00:59:11,583 --> 00:59:12,463
Mm-hmm.
1392
00:59:12,542 --> 00:59:13,542
Dinklage.
1393
00:59:14,208 --> 00:59:15,498
Is that an STD?
1394
00:59:16,500 --> 00:59:19,670
Uh, I think in German
it's von Dincklage, but...
1395
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,290
Why did you keep your real name?
1396
00:59:22,167 --> 00:59:23,747
I mean, if someone said to me,
1397
00:59:23,833 --> 00:59:28,213
"You have to start an acting career
with the name Peter Dinkylage..."
1398
00:59:28,292 --> 00:59:30,672
I'm thinking of other choices
I could've made right now.
1399
00:59:31,667 --> 00:59:33,497
Well, Galifianakis is a stage name.
1400
00:59:33,917 --> 00:59:34,827
What's your real name?
1401
00:59:34,917 --> 00:59:37,287
My real name is Chad Farthouse.
1402
00:59:38,417 --> 00:59:39,667
That doesn't sound right.
1403
00:59:39,750 --> 00:59:41,880
There's a kid
on the Disney Channel.
1404
00:59:42,208 --> 00:59:43,828
Uh, Chad...
1405
00:59:44,250 --> 00:59:45,080
Farthouse.
1406
00:59:45,167 --> 00:59:47,327
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place,
1407
00:59:47,792 --> 00:59:48,832
with that last name.
1408
00:59:49,167 --> 00:59:50,417
So, I had to change my name.
1409
00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:53,670
You're in X-Men, right?
1410
00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:56,997
You know who my favorite X-Man is?
1411
00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:58,750
Caitlyn Jenner.
1412
00:59:59,542 --> 01:00:01,422
And, by the way,
that's not an offensive joke.
1413
01:00:01,792 --> 01:00:05,172
I'm honestly under the impression
that she was in the X-Men movies.
1414
01:00:07,458 --> 01:00:08,998
You were in ALF, right?
1415
01:00:09,583 --> 01:00:10,583
Elf.
1416
01:00:11,500 --> 01:00:13,710
No, I mean, you were in ALF,
the costume?
1417
01:00:14,458 --> 01:00:16,458
- Um, hey!
- Can I just...
1418
01:00:16,875 --> 01:00:17,875
Real quick,
1419
01:00:18,125 --> 01:00:19,434
and it's important you look at my face
1420
01:00:19,458 --> 01:00:21,378
'cause I think
the sincerity in this question
1421
01:00:21,458 --> 01:00:22,878
is reading in my face.
1422
01:00:23,333 --> 01:00:26,003
Tell us about how fun it was
to be in Pixels.
1423
01:00:26,125 --> 01:00:28,205
Pixels, was that a fun challenge?
1424
01:00:28,708 --> 01:00:29,538
Hey...
1425
01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:30,745
she's taking my eggs!
1426
01:00:30,833 --> 01:00:32,173
- Hey, wait!
- Okay. Let's go!
1427
01:00:32,250 --> 01:00:34,040
- Hey!
- Let's go! Grab it! Go!
1428
01:00:34,125 --> 01:00:34,955
Grab what you can!
1429
01:00:35,042 --> 01:00:36,712
- Go!
- What the heck are you doing?
1430
01:00:36,792 --> 01:00:39,032
- What are you doing? Those are my eggs!
- Go! Go!
1431
01:00:39,083 --> 01:00:40,601
My precious eggs!
1432
01:00:40,625 --> 01:00:41,995
No!
1433
01:00:42,167 --> 01:00:44,537
- Loved you in Three Billboards!
- Shit!
1434
01:00:44,833 --> 01:00:47,003
Why didn't I get attack dogs?
1435
01:00:47,750 --> 01:00:48,750
Well, I...
1436
01:00:49,292 --> 01:00:51,292
still have $102 million dollars
1437
01:00:51,875 --> 01:00:54,035
in my savings account alone. Ah.
1438
01:00:54,750 --> 01:00:56,130
You'll be fine, Peter.
1439
01:00:56,333 --> 01:00:57,503
You're a survivor.
1440
01:00:57,833 --> 01:00:59,003
You will survive.
1441
01:01:03,167 --> 01:01:05,567
So, guys, got a little cash
from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs.
1442
01:01:05,875 --> 01:01:08,205
Now, all we have to do
is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m.,
1443
01:01:08,375 --> 01:01:10,495
- and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell.
- Yes!
1444
01:01:10,583 --> 01:01:12,173
Get in!
1445
01:01:57,542 --> 01:01:58,542
What's this?
1446
01:02:00,708 --> 01:02:01,708
God.
1447
01:02:02,625 --> 01:02:03,875
Check my e-mail.
1448
01:02:15,375 --> 01:02:16,915
Password? Jesus.
1449
01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:19,167
Oh, it's "Jesus."
1450
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:23,130
I always do that.
1451
01:02:30,292 --> 01:02:31,542
Oh, my God.
1452
01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,078
What happened to all my music?
1453
01:02:37,333 --> 01:02:38,673
Oh, God!
1454
01:02:52,167 --> 01:02:53,167
What happened?
1455
01:02:55,167 --> 01:02:56,037
Oh..
1456
01:02:56,125 --> 01:02:57,125
God.
1457
01:02:59,333 --> 01:03:00,173
Are you ki...
1458
01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:01,830
- How did this happen?
- What the fuck?
1459
01:03:02,667 --> 01:03:03,917
We're fucked.
1460
01:03:04,708 --> 01:03:06,708
We're never gonna make it
to Los Angeles now.
1461
01:03:06,792 --> 01:03:07,922
Where are my ferns?
1462
01:03:10,167 --> 01:03:11,167
Where are the fer...
1463
01:03:12,292 --> 01:03:13,292
Wait!
1464
01:03:13,417 --> 01:03:14,417
Hey!
1465
01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:16,417
You animal!
1466
01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:18,750
My ferns!
1467
01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:20,625
My ferns!
1468
01:03:22,625 --> 01:03:23,665
They're ruined!
1469
01:03:25,625 --> 01:03:27,285
My ferns are ruined!
1470
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,378
Zach, don't worry,
we can get you new ferns.
1471
01:03:29,458 --> 01:03:32,038
What am I thinking?
This is no way to get a talk show.
1472
01:03:32,542 --> 01:03:33,962
Driving around the country.
1473
01:03:34,042 --> 01:03:35,582
There's absolutely no way
1474
01:03:35,917 --> 01:03:37,787
we can make it to Los Angeles in time.
1475
01:03:37,875 --> 01:03:38,875
It's okay.
1476
01:03:38,917 --> 01:03:41,287
All we have to do
is just walk the nearest town...
1477
01:03:41,375 --> 01:03:42,535
I'm no good for you guys.
1478
01:03:45,417 --> 01:03:46,417
So, get away from me.
1479
01:03:46,458 --> 01:03:48,708
It's over. I'm going back home.
1480
01:03:48,792 --> 01:03:50,082
Zach, you can't give up.
1481
01:03:50,583 --> 01:03:51,463
I need you.
1482
01:03:51,542 --> 01:03:53,672
Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more.
1483
01:03:56,125 --> 01:03:57,125
So, leave.
1484
01:04:00,500 --> 01:04:01,500
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
1485
01:04:02,542 --> 01:04:03,542
We're going?
1486
01:04:08,375 --> 01:04:09,375
Are you sure?
1487
01:04:34,583 --> 01:04:36,503
Okay, will you just stop filming, please?
1488
01:04:36,958 --> 01:04:38,708
You told me to get everything.
1489
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,382
All right, thank you.
Please just turn the cam...
1490
01:04:44,042 --> 01:04:45,042
Stop!
1491
01:05:07,583 --> 01:05:08,633
What can I get you?
1492
01:05:08,917 --> 01:05:10,327
Can I have an orange juice, please.
1493
01:05:11,125 --> 01:05:13,184
And, as you can see,
Jim is still in the lead,
1494
01:05:13,208 --> 01:05:15,458
but we did have to deduct 250 points
1495
01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:18,542
because, during the break,
our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln
1496
01:05:18,625 --> 01:05:19,455
There you go.
1497
01:05:19,542 --> 01:05:21,832
...was the 16th President
of the United States.
1498
01:05:22,083 --> 01:05:23,963
Tina, from Houston, Texas.
1499
01:05:24,458 --> 01:05:26,168
Texas, represent!
1500
01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,330
And you said you had a very special reason
for being here on the show tonight?
1501
01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:31,995
It's 'cause I'd love to take
my friends on a vacation.
1502
01:05:32,042 --> 01:05:35,082
They really deserve it
and they mean everything to me.
1503
01:05:36,083 --> 01:05:38,753
And I would love to show them
that I am not a failure,
1504
01:05:39,167 --> 01:05:41,207
and that I just appreciate them.
1505
01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:42,833
So you feel like a failure now?
1506
01:05:43,333 --> 01:05:44,383
Currently, yeah.
1507
01:05:44,458 --> 01:05:47,668
- But you wanna prove that you are not one?
- And I think I can do it today.
1508
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:50,710
Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit,
1509
01:05:50,917 --> 01:05:53,417
but you still have a chance
to catch up and win.
1510
01:05:53,625 --> 01:05:55,125
That's why we call this show...
1511
01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:58,418
Don't Give Up!
1512
01:05:58,500 --> 01:05:59,500
Don't give up.
1513
01:06:07,875 --> 01:06:08,875
Carol!
1514
01:06:12,208 --> 01:06:13,208
Carol!
1515
01:06:14,125 --> 01:06:15,165
- Carol!
- Zach!
1516
01:06:15,250 --> 01:06:17,130
- Oh, my God! Zach!
- There you are.
1517
01:06:20,083 --> 01:06:21,083
You were right.
1518
01:06:21,292 --> 01:06:22,462
I should never give up.
1519
01:06:22,708 --> 01:06:24,184
I just want to thank you
for believing in me.
1520
01:06:24,208 --> 01:06:26,893
No! Everything's fine, we found a guy
who's gonna take us to Los Angeles.
1521
01:06:26,917 --> 01:06:28,226
- He's gonna drive us.
- Get in the car!
1522
01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,850
- Yeah?
- Let's go, get in the car!
1523
01:06:29,875 --> 01:06:31,535
We're doing it! We're doing it!
1524
01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:47,000
Thanks, Chuck!
1525
01:06:47,250 --> 01:06:49,920
Go, go, go.
Bye! Thank you!
1526
01:06:50,958 --> 01:06:52,518
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
1527
01:06:54,458 --> 01:06:55,851
What time is it?
Anybody know what time it is?
1528
01:06:55,875 --> 01:06:57,825
- No!
- Nobody wears a watch anymore.
1529
01:06:57,917 --> 01:06:58,827
Come on.
1530
01:06:58,917 --> 01:06:59,997
Shit, go.
1531
01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:02,726
- Hey! You can't go in there.
- This way! This way!
1532
01:07:02,750 --> 01:07:04,790
Just burst in, just go, go, go!
1533
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:14,000
Mr. Ferrell?
1534
01:07:16,250 --> 01:07:18,790
Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis,
1535
01:07:19,375 --> 01:07:20,745
from the internet show.
1536
01:07:20,833 --> 01:07:23,083
I've got those tapes that you wanted.
1537
01:07:24,333 --> 01:07:25,333
Hello?
1538
01:07:28,583 --> 01:07:30,213
Jesus Christ!
1539
01:07:30,542 --> 01:07:31,462
What is that?
1540
01:07:31,542 --> 01:07:33,082
- It's a teeth whitener.
- Oh.
1541
01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:37,875
Ah-ah-ah!
1542
01:07:38,792 --> 01:07:41,462
Gently place the bag on the floor
and kick it over to me.
1543
01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:43,458
Slowly.
1544
01:07:44,792 --> 01:07:45,792
Slowly.
1545
01:07:47,750 --> 01:07:48,750
Gently.
1546
01:07:49,583 --> 01:07:50,583
Gently.
1547
01:07:52,042 --> 01:07:54,212
Now, kick it as hard as you can
across the floor.
1548
01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:57,250
Keep kicking them.
1549
01:08:00,250 --> 01:08:02,250
That's as hard as you can kick?
1550
01:08:02,333 --> 01:08:03,333
- Do it.
- You can...
1551
01:08:03,417 --> 01:08:05,457
Ah! Fu...
1552
01:08:05,542 --> 01:08:06,672
Push it, if you have to.
1553
01:08:17,958 --> 01:08:18,958
They're all there.
1554
01:08:27,375 --> 01:08:28,375
Episode ten.
1555
01:08:30,917 --> 01:08:32,077
Nice job, Zachy Baby.
1556
01:08:32,458 --> 01:08:34,726
I knew you were gonna say
something like that. I told you right?
1557
01:08:34,750 --> 01:08:36,851
- Yeah, you did.
- I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it.
1558
01:08:36,875 --> 01:08:38,575
You completed your task.
1559
01:08:40,125 --> 01:08:41,125
And now...
1560
01:08:42,625 --> 01:08:43,625
you may leave.
1561
01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:47,923
You told me that
if I delivered those tapes,
1562
01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:50,768
you'd give me my own network talk show.
1563
01:08:51,625 --> 01:08:53,165
Our own talk show.
1564
01:08:53,542 --> 01:08:56,082
Are you forgetting the "pro"
of the quid pro quo?
1565
01:08:56,167 --> 01:08:59,077
I asked you to deliver
ten episodes of your show...
1566
01:08:59,167 --> 01:09:00,707
- Yeah.
- ...by 9:00 a.m.
1567
01:09:01,083 --> 01:09:02,883
Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m.
It's before 9:00 a.m.
1568
01:09:03,250 --> 01:09:04,250
9:00 a.m...
1569
01:09:05,458 --> 01:09:06,668
Tokyo time!
1570
01:09:07,250 --> 01:09:09,210
Before the markets open!
1571
01:09:09,875 --> 01:09:11,825
I can't do anything with these!
1572
01:09:12,083 --> 01:09:13,833
They are worthless to me,
1573
01:09:13,917 --> 01:09:15,327
you fat idiot!
1574
01:09:17,667 --> 01:09:19,268
- How could we have known?
- There's no way...
1575
01:09:19,292 --> 01:09:20,922
It makes sense, though. Let's just go.
1576
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:22,480
Let's just get out of here. I'm so...
1577
01:09:22,583 --> 01:09:23,753
Mr. Galifianakis?
1578
01:09:23,917 --> 01:09:24,747
Yes?
1579
01:09:24,833 --> 01:09:26,213
Your television contract.
1580
01:09:28,417 --> 01:09:30,917
For one big, fancy network talk show.
1581
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:38,858
What is this? What... what is this?
1582
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:40,920
I was fucking with you!
1583
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:43,420
- What, you mean...
- You know why I was fucking with you?
1584
01:09:44,042 --> 01:09:46,382
Because that's what celebrities
do to each other.
1585
01:09:47,542 --> 01:09:48,922
You were just Clooney-ed.
1586
01:09:49,000 --> 01:09:50,000
What?
1587
01:09:50,083 --> 01:09:50,963
You won.
1588
01:09:51,042 --> 01:09:52,962
I'm getting my own network talk show?
1589
01:09:53,042 --> 01:09:54,882
You're about to be a TV star!
1590
01:09:54,958 --> 01:09:57,168
God Almighty!
1591
01:09:57,250 --> 01:09:59,330
- Yeah!
- On TV, not the internet?
1592
01:09:59,417 --> 01:10:01,037
My God! Zach!
1593
01:10:01,125 --> 01:10:02,825
- Yeah!
- You did it!
1594
01:10:02,917 --> 01:10:03,917
So exciting.
1595
01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,458
My two ferns...
1596
01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,582
you know, they were destroyed and...
1597
01:10:16,208 --> 01:10:18,168
I don't know if I can
do a show without them.
1598
01:10:18,250 --> 01:10:20,080
You sign that contract...
1599
01:10:21,292 --> 01:10:22,382
and I'll give you something
1600
01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:24,325
way better than two ferns.
1601
01:10:25,208 --> 01:10:26,208
Three ferns?
1602
01:10:28,333 --> 01:10:30,543
- Twenty?
- No, four ferns
1603
01:10:30,625 --> 01:10:31,625
Four fer...
1604
01:10:32,083 --> 01:10:33,793
- Four ferns?
- Four ferns!
1605
01:10:36,042 --> 01:10:37,672
Gaya! Come on!
1606
01:10:39,292 --> 01:10:42,172
USA! USA!
1607
01:10:42,250 --> 01:10:43,250
US...
1608
01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:56,632
Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G,
1609
01:10:56,708 --> 01:10:59,128
and you're watching
my first episode of...
1610
01:10:59,583 --> 01:11:00,583
Ferns.
1611
01:11:04,000 --> 01:11:06,710
Give it up for DJ Flop!
1612
01:11:08,167 --> 01:11:09,667
What's going on, Zachy G?
1613
01:11:11,458 --> 01:11:12,458
Okay,
1614
01:11:12,708 --> 01:11:15,038
let's get to our very first guest ever.
1615
01:11:15,583 --> 01:11:16,833
According to Wikipedia,
1616
01:11:16,917 --> 01:11:18,667
she is 5 ft. 10,
1617
01:11:18,792 --> 01:11:21,132
and was born April 30th, 1985.
1618
01:11:21,417 --> 01:11:24,127
Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot!
1619
01:11:24,583 --> 01:11:25,673
Oh, Gal!
1620
01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:30,253
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi.
1621
01:11:30,333 --> 01:11:31,333
Ooh.
1622
01:11:33,375 --> 01:11:34,375
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1623
01:11:34,417 --> 01:11:35,827
Thank you so much for having me.
1624
01:11:35,917 --> 01:11:36,957
Hey, everyone.
1625
01:11:38,125 --> 01:11:38,955
Ah.
1626
01:11:39,042 --> 01:11:41,002
Oh, how wonderful is this?
1627
01:11:41,083 --> 01:11:42,673
Gal Gadot's here!
1628
01:11:43,750 --> 01:11:45,250
Thank you so much for having me,
1629
01:11:45,333 --> 01:11:49,173
and I'm so honored
to be the first guest on your first show.
1630
01:11:49,708 --> 01:11:51,878
I've never been someone's first before,
so that's...
1631
01:11:53,708 --> 01:11:55,378
All right, so, uh, Gal,
1632
01:11:55,583 --> 01:11:57,713
here comes my first question.
1633
01:11:58,917 --> 01:12:01,287
Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman.
1634
01:12:01,417 --> 01:12:02,827
I'm wondering, woman,
1635
01:12:02,958 --> 01:12:03,958
how fun was that?
1636
01:12:06,542 --> 01:12:09,672
It was amazing, it was so much fun.
1637
01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,040
The ratings are solid
in all four quadrants.
1638
01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,665
A slight dip in seniors over 80,
1639
01:12:42,750 --> 01:12:44,510
but you make up for it
with pregnant mothers,
1640
01:12:44,542 --> 01:12:46,382
which technically
counts as watching for two.
1641
01:12:47,125 --> 01:12:47,995
Oh, hey, guys.
1642
01:12:48,083 --> 01:12:49,463
Can I have a minute with them?
1643
01:12:49,542 --> 01:12:50,542
Sure.
1644
01:12:52,708 --> 01:12:53,578
You saw that, huh?
1645
01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:54,667
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah.
1646
01:12:54,708 --> 01:12:55,788
What was that all about?
1647
01:12:55,875 --> 01:12:57,285
I thought it was so good!
1648
01:12:57,583 --> 01:12:59,753
I mean, did you see the chemistry
between me and Gal?
1649
01:13:00,042 --> 01:13:01,422
It was unbelievable,
1650
01:13:01,500 --> 01:13:03,290
the back-and-forth we had.
1651
01:13:03,375 --> 01:13:04,768
I don't think that's what Carol meant.
1652
01:13:04,792 --> 01:13:06,922
Yeah, it's different
from what you usually do.
1653
01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:08,130
Okay, yeah, all right, so,
1654
01:13:08,208 --> 01:13:10,708
Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me,
1655
01:13:11,333 --> 01:13:14,293
and the old me
is not gonna work for this, you guys.
1656
01:13:15,000 --> 01:13:16,880
This is the new me, this is the new ZG.
1657
01:13:16,958 --> 01:13:18,628
Celebrities don't wanna be insulted,
1658
01:13:18,708 --> 01:13:20,788
they just wanna talk
about their fascinating lives.
1659
01:13:20,917 --> 01:13:22,747
But, don't you kind of feel
like a sell-out?
1660
01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:24,153
Can you really call it a sell-out
1661
01:13:24,208 --> 01:13:26,208
when they give you a free Tesla
for doing the show?
1662
01:13:26,292 --> 01:13:28,422
That's literally
the definition of selling out.
1663
01:13:28,500 --> 01:13:30,500
Zach, do you really
wanna be like Will Ferrell?
1664
01:13:30,583 --> 01:13:31,923
Some washed-up has-been
1665
01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:34,210
who takes cameos in Hollywood movies
1666
01:13:34,292 --> 01:13:36,172
just to get another day's worth
of cocaine?
1667
01:13:36,250 --> 01:13:39,670
You know, I didn't even like you
before we took this trip to Hollywood,
1668
01:13:39,750 --> 01:13:42,420
but at least then I knew who you were.
1669
01:13:42,625 --> 01:13:45,325
I don't know who this person is
that you're pretending to be.
1670
01:13:46,833 --> 01:13:48,463
So, are you just saying that I should...
1671
01:13:49,708 --> 01:13:51,078
just forget everything? Just...
1672
01:13:52,458 --> 01:13:54,668
just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams?
1673
01:13:56,667 --> 01:13:59,377
Zach, we need you on set
to shoot promos for tomorrow's show.
1674
01:14:00,708 --> 01:14:03,378
Zach, we're leaving. We're going
to drive back to North Carolina.
1675
01:14:03,458 --> 01:14:05,878
Shirl called and said
they rebuilt the studio.
1676
01:14:06,125 --> 01:14:07,625
We can have our old jobs back.
1677
01:14:08,417 --> 01:14:10,497
Carol, you're the one
that told me never to give up.
1678
01:14:11,500 --> 01:14:13,790
I know, and I still believe in you, Zach,
but...
1679
01:14:15,125 --> 01:14:16,205
this isn't you.
1680
01:14:17,458 --> 01:14:19,248
Zach? Are you coming?
1681
01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:50,000
Hey, guys!
1682
01:14:50,417 --> 01:14:51,877
Wait for me! I had to get my ferns.
1683
01:14:51,958 --> 01:14:52,828
- Zach!
- What?
1684
01:14:52,917 --> 01:14:54,997
We thought you chose the show over us?
1685
01:14:55,167 --> 01:14:57,167
What, just 'cause I walked
into the studio silently
1686
01:14:57,208 --> 01:14:58,748
without telling you what I was doing?
1687
01:14:58,833 --> 01:14:59,833
Have more faith.
1688
01:14:59,917 --> 01:15:01,287
Of course I'm going with you guys!
1689
01:15:01,375 --> 01:15:02,745
- You're coming?
- Yes!
1690
01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:04,293
- You're coming with us?
- Yes!
1691
01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:06,575
All right! Let's go. Let's go.
1692
01:15:06,667 --> 01:15:07,667
Yes!
1693
01:15:08,542 --> 01:15:09,832
Carol, you were right.
1694
01:15:10,333 --> 01:15:11,833
Hollywood's not for us.
1695
01:15:12,625 --> 01:15:15,165
It has a need to sanitize everything,
1696
01:15:15,250 --> 01:15:17,380
to slap a happy ending on everything.
1697
01:15:17,458 --> 01:15:19,168
So, let's get out of here
1698
01:15:19,583 --> 01:15:21,543
and drive off into the sunset together.
1699
01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:24,245
'Cause all I need are my friends,
1700
01:15:24,750 --> 01:15:25,750
my show,
1701
01:15:26,208 --> 01:15:27,208
and my ferns.
1702
01:15:33,708 --> 01:15:34,918
We'll just get some new ones.
1703
01:15:35,500 --> 01:15:36,710
- I'll drive.
- Okay.
1704
01:15:43,875 --> 01:15:45,785
Bradley Co... Bradley Coper.
1705
01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:47,893
- Cooper. Yeah.
- Bradly Cooper co-wrote,
1706
01:15:47,917 --> 01:15:50,207
produced, directed
and starred in A Star Is Born.
1707
01:15:50,292 --> 01:15:51,132
I haven't seen it.
1708
01:15:51,208 --> 01:15:54,078
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
1709
01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,330
It's such a good question!
1710
01:16:02,833 --> 01:16:03,673
So sorry.
1711
01:16:03,792 --> 01:16:05,332
- Oh...
- I'm so sorry.
1712
01:16:05,417 --> 01:16:06,627
Let's take that one back.
1713
01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,378
And, uh, we had this young woman,
1714
01:16:09,542 --> 01:16:11,422
heroic young woman, Malala...
1715
01:16:12,292 --> 01:16:13,672
uh, on the show,
1716
01:16:14,250 --> 01:16:15,330
and, um...
1717
01:16:15,750 --> 01:16:18,670
Known the world over,
not big in North America.
1718
01:16:18,750 --> 01:16:20,630
You, I can tell by that look
1719
01:16:20,708 --> 01:16:22,428
that you have no idea
who I'm talking about.
1720
01:16:22,500 --> 01:16:24,340
- Yeah, I know who you're talking about.
- Who?
1721
01:16:24,458 --> 01:16:25,958
Adam Carolla, is that who you said?
1722
01:16:30,500 --> 01:16:32,080
That's why I have this look on my face.
1723
01:16:33,333 --> 01:16:34,173
Wow.
1724
01:16:34,250 --> 01:16:35,410
If you didn't have an accent,
1725
01:16:35,458 --> 01:16:38,458
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
1726
01:16:44,542 --> 01:16:45,542
Please keep going.
1727
01:16:46,083 --> 01:16:48,083
I read online that you're very private
1728
01:16:48,167 --> 01:16:50,747
and decline to answer questions
that make you feel uncomfortable.
1729
01:16:50,833 --> 01:16:52,043
This is a two-parter.
1730
01:16:52,750 --> 01:16:55,500
Is that true? And how old were you
when you got your period?
1731
01:16:58,500 --> 01:16:59,880
Do you ever go to the DMZ?
1732
01:17:00,708 --> 01:17:03,378
- No.
- It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV.
1733
01:17:03,458 --> 01:17:05,418
That's just a bunch of people...
1734
01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:06,920
sitting around...
1735
01:17:08,875 --> 01:17:11,705
talking about their drivers' licenses.
1736
01:17:14,167 --> 01:17:16,287
Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses.
1737
01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:20,000
"Oh, my gosh,
she's got a C-class on hers."
1738
01:17:21,333 --> 01:17:22,333
"Oh...
1739
01:17:22,708 --> 01:17:25,328
James Franco wears corrective lenses."
1740
01:17:31,083 --> 01:17:33,133
- You used to live in your car.
- Yeah.
1741
01:17:33,250 --> 01:17:35,290
Is it as fun as it sounds,
or is there a downside?
1742
01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,210
Would you say that your work
in La La Land
1743
01:17:44,542 --> 01:17:45,752
really helped pave the way
1744
01:17:45,833 --> 01:17:48,213
for white people
to explain jazz to black people?
1745
01:17:48,292 --> 01:17:49,292
Sorry!
1746
01:17:53,958 --> 01:17:55,838
All right. Let me get that out.
Sorry, you guys.
1747
01:17:55,875 --> 01:17:57,915
We'll be right back
with Who Gives A Shit?
1748
01:18:01,917 --> 01:18:04,377
I mean, what, did you
read something last night
1749
01:18:04,458 --> 01:18:06,748
and were so eager to come
tell a bunch of young people
1750
01:18:06,833 --> 01:18:08,133
about what you read?
1751
01:18:09,750 --> 01:18:10,880
Yes, I did.
1752
01:18:11,708 --> 01:18:12,918
I did do a lot of reading.
1753
01:18:13,042 --> 01:18:15,962
When you and Woody Harrelson
are acting in a scene together,
1754
01:18:16,042 --> 01:18:19,082
are you sad that somewhere
there's a sack not being hackied?
1755
01:18:24,292 --> 01:18:25,292
That's good.
1756
01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:27,038
"A sack not being hackied."
1757
01:18:27,542 --> 01:18:30,002
What was the marijuana budget
on True Detective?
1758
01:18:34,208 --> 01:18:35,208
And are you...
1759
01:18:35,333 --> 01:18:37,013
Have you smoked
a lot of that budget today?
1760
01:18:38,542 --> 01:18:39,542
Oh, shit.
1761
01:18:39,625 --> 01:18:41,455
- You know a guy that has a Tesla?
- Mm-hmm.
1762
01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:45,580
I won the EGOF.
1763
01:18:45,708 --> 01:18:46,538
Hmm?
1764
01:18:46,625 --> 01:18:47,955
- You know what an EGOT is?
- No.
1765
01:18:48,083 --> 01:18:50,253
Oh, an EGOT! Stupid!
1766
01:18:50,875 --> 01:18:52,665
It's amazing that this is even a thing.
1767
01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:54,000
An EGOT?
1768
01:18:54,042 --> 01:18:54,882
Or this thing?
1769
01:18:54,958 --> 01:18:55,998
This.
1770
01:18:56,083 --> 01:18:58,543
I wasn't talking about the EGOT!
I really...
1771
01:19:00,417 --> 01:19:02,787
I was talking about this. Exactly.
1772
01:19:05,208 --> 01:19:07,038
There's a kid on the Disney Channel.
1773
01:19:07,500 --> 01:19:09,080
Uh, Chad...
1774
01:19:09,500 --> 01:19:10,330
Farthouse.
1775
01:19:10,417 --> 01:19:12,667
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place.
1776
01:19:17,542 --> 01:19:19,101
- Your face...
- How does anybody do this?
1777
01:19:19,125 --> 01:19:20,125
- Sorry.
- Your face.
1778
01:19:20,167 --> 01:19:21,377
- Sorry.
- ...is not helping.
1779
01:19:21,458 --> 01:19:23,038
Chad Far...
1780
01:19:24,458 --> 01:19:25,458
Do you hear that?
1781
01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:26,955
No, I don't hear anything.
1782
01:19:27,208 --> 01:19:28,708
That is the sound of everybody
1783
01:19:28,792 --> 01:19:31,212
talking about your performance
in Big Little Lies.
1784
01:19:32,917 --> 01:19:33,957
No one cares.
1785
01:19:36,583 --> 01:19:37,583
It's so mean!
1786
01:19:39,500 --> 01:19:41,300
Your parents got divorced
when you were seven.
1787
01:19:42,208 --> 01:19:43,208
Was that your fault?
1788
01:19:45,833 --> 01:19:46,673
And guess why?
1789
01:19:46,750 --> 01:19:50,210
They named their daughter
after a fucking piece of cheese.
1790
01:19:53,125 --> 01:19:55,825
Again, I'd like to thank
crystal meth Santa Claus for being here.
1791
01:20:00,458 --> 01:20:03,168
Don Draper's suit
hangs in the Smithsonian Museum
1792
01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:04,309
- Yes, it does.
- It's an honor.
1793
01:20:04,333 --> 01:20:06,333
- Yeah!
- Right next to the Cosby sweaters?
1794
01:20:17,708 --> 01:20:19,168
- Okay.
- No!
1795
01:20:19,375 --> 01:20:21,075
What advice would you
give to a young actor
1796
01:20:21,167 --> 01:20:23,457
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
1797
01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:35,880
You know what happens
when a Jewish guy
1798
01:20:36,333 --> 01:20:39,253
walks into a brick wall
with a full erection?
1799
01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,167
- What?
- He breaks his nose.
1800
01:20:44,333 --> 01:20:45,633
I knew that was the answer!
1801
01:20:46,958 --> 01:20:48,538
I did too, and I laughed!
1802
01:20:48,625 --> 01:20:51,345
- I've told that joke for 20...
- Did you just come up with the joke?
1803
01:20:51,708 --> 01:20:53,248
That's a joke you've told before?
1804
01:21:02,625 --> 01:21:03,625
And...
1805
01:21:04,083 --> 01:21:05,543
that's the end of your movie, right?
1806
01:21:05,958 --> 01:21:07,248
Yeah. And cut.
1807
01:21:07,708 --> 01:21:10,328
Thanks, guys, thank you very much
for your time. Thank you.
1808
01:21:10,458 --> 01:21:12,328
Thank you so much for doing this. Uh...
1809
01:21:12,458 --> 01:21:15,168
I think it's gonna be good.
I hope my professor gives me an A.
1810
01:21:15,250 --> 01:21:16,250
What?
1811
01:21:17,292 --> 01:21:18,972
Your professor?
What are you talking about?
1812
01:21:19,000 --> 01:21:20,630
Yeah, this is a student film.
1813
01:21:20,875 --> 01:21:22,675
I'm a student
at Appalachian State University.
1814
01:21:22,875 --> 01:21:23,955
Student film?
1815
01:21:24,292 --> 01:21:25,882
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
1816
01:21:25,958 --> 01:21:27,498
So, nobody's gonna see this?
1817
01:21:27,750 --> 01:21:29,460
Well, my professor's gonna see it.
1818
01:21:29,667 --> 01:21:30,667
And the students.
1819
01:21:31,083 --> 01:21:32,309
There's, like, 12 people in my class.
1820
01:21:32,333 --> 01:21:33,543
And I'll show my parents.
1821
01:21:35,083 --> 01:21:36,603
Get the fuck out of my office, please.
1822
01:21:37,250 --> 01:21:38,330
Excuse me?
1823
01:21:38,417 --> 01:21:40,327
Get the fudge out of my office, please.
1824
01:21:40,750 --> 01:21:43,768
I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm
saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite,
1825
01:21:43,792 --> 01:21:45,252
but get the fuck out of my office.
1826
01:21:45,458 --> 01:21:47,128
Geez. Sorry.
1827
01:21:56,250 --> 01:21:58,080
It could've been in 3D!