1 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,723 Get your bag off the table. People eat there. 2 00:08:04,812 --> 00:08:06,404 They eat on plates. 3 00:08:06,492 --> 00:08:08,608 Don't give me crap, Maizy. 4 00:08:08,692 --> 00:08:10,762 I'm telling. You said "crap." 5 00:08:10,852 --> 00:08:14,481 - There's nothing wrong with "crap." - Really? I thought that was a swear. 6 00:08:14,572 --> 00:08:17,040 - You're thinking of "shit." - Right. 7 00:08:20,452 --> 00:08:22,283 Do you mind? 8 00:08:22,372 --> 00:08:25,170 A sixth-grader chased me with his bike and I was running. 9 00:08:25,252 --> 00:08:27,846 When I got exhausted and fell down, he waled me with his shoe. 10 00:08:27,932 --> 00:08:31,083 - Thank your parents for that. - How come? 11 00:08:31,172 --> 00:08:33,128 It was their brilliant idea to move here. 12 00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:35,521 They weren't making enough cash in Indianapolis. 13 00:08:35,612 --> 00:08:37,330 Forget that we were perfectly happy. 14 00:08:37,412 --> 00:08:39,846 So thank them for getting treated like shit every day. 15 00:08:39,932 --> 00:08:43,288 - I'm telling on that one. - Shut your face. 16 00:08:48,292 --> 00:08:51,887 - Your book bag doesn't go on the floor. - Always have a cow. 17 00:08:53,612 --> 00:08:56,251 - Your nails are digging into my arm! - Pick it up! 18 00:08:58,292 --> 00:09:00,647 You're just supposed to open the door for us. 19 00:09:00,732 --> 00:09:02,609 You're not supposed to kick us around. 20 00:09:02,692 --> 00:09:05,126 I'm an American. I have rights! 21 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,043 Maizy, did I kick you around? 22 00:09:07,132 --> 00:09:10,329 No, but you said "shit" twice. But only once for real. 23 00:09:11,252 --> 00:09:14,289 I've got better things to do than baby-sit you, you little stain. 24 00:09:14,372 --> 00:09:17,409 Like what, hang out with friends you don't have? 25 00:09:17,492 --> 00:09:20,211 Why don't you just shut up? 26 00:09:20,292 --> 00:09:22,203 Want to make me? 27 00:09:22,292 --> 00:09:27,241 When our mother figure isn't here, I'm in charge. 28 00:09:27,332 --> 00:09:30,449 - I'm sick of you calling her that. - Too bad. 29 00:09:32,732 --> 00:09:34,723 You moron! 30 00:09:34,812 --> 00:09:38,600 - Why do we need boys? They're so loud. - Shut up! 31 00:09:38,692 --> 00:09:41,604 - Shut up yourself! - We need boys... 32 00:09:41,692 --> 00:09:46,447 so they can grow up, get married and turn into shadows. 33 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,723 Let the dog out. 34 00:09:50,812 --> 00:09:52,211 Percy! 35 00:10:05,212 --> 00:10:09,410 This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How do you find the time? 36 00:10:12,172 --> 00:10:13,525 Miles. 37 00:10:15,252 --> 00:10:17,402 Maizy, put that down. 38 00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:21,087 - Did you win at hockey yesterday? - Hockey's been over for two weeks. 39 00:10:26,452 --> 00:10:30,445 I guess you don't want a hockey stick for your birthday. 40 00:10:35,172 --> 00:10:38,209 You know what? 41 00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:42,570 When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work. 42 00:10:42,652 --> 00:10:44,722 So you can interview new housekeepers? 43 00:10:45,932 --> 00:10:49,208 - I've had enough of your ugliness. - Really? 44 00:10:51,132 --> 00:10:54,044 We're all a little tired of the act. 45 00:11:09,012 --> 00:11:11,651 - This is really a good idea. - Thank you. 46 00:11:12,732 --> 00:11:15,530 - How's the pie? - Not bad. 47 00:11:16,812 --> 00:11:19,451 Will you be at work in the morning? 48 00:11:19,532 --> 00:11:21,363 I can't avoid it. 49 00:11:21,452 --> 00:11:23,443 You don't seem happy about it. 50 00:11:24,652 --> 00:11:29,123 If you've got to know, I'm not excited about working for my girlfriend. 51 00:11:29,212 --> 00:11:30,770 There, I said it. 52 00:11:31,812 --> 00:11:33,530 Buck, I love you. 53 00:11:33,612 --> 00:11:37,491 I can't help myself. I want to get married and have a family with you. 54 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,688 The clock is ticking away. 55 00:11:39,772 --> 00:11:42,969 I would like to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet before I die. 56 00:11:43,052 --> 00:11:46,124 I'll get you a mouse and a piece of sheet metal. 57 00:11:47,892 --> 00:11:51,407 - Lighten up, will you? - Don't push my buttons. 58 00:11:51,492 --> 00:11:53,801 I'm not pushing your buttons. I know me. 59 00:11:53,892 --> 00:11:55,803 I know what I like. 60 00:11:55,892 --> 00:11:58,167 I like my friends, my freedom. 61 00:11:59,292 --> 00:12:03,604 I like knowing I can go golfing anytime I want. 62 00:12:03,692 --> 00:12:06,160 I don't hurt anybody. I don't see what the problem is. 63 00:12:06,252 --> 00:12:08,686 That is the best formula for loneliness I ever heard. 64 00:12:09,692 --> 00:12:12,206 - Why are we arguing? - We're talking. 65 00:12:12,292 --> 00:12:14,487 I said I'd be at work in the morning. I'll be there. 66 00:12:16,012 --> 00:12:17,570 Okay. 67 00:12:20,612 --> 00:12:22,443 I've got to get this out. 68 00:12:22,532 --> 00:12:25,968 I know I'm harping, but let me say it. 69 00:12:26,052 --> 00:12:29,044 I'm working on history, on the past. 70 00:12:29,132 --> 00:12:32,408 You're gonna show up? Swear to God? In the a. M? Promise? 71 00:12:32,492 --> 00:12:34,801 Chanice, I'll be honest with you. 72 00:12:34,892 --> 00:12:38,282 If I could think of an excuse that you would buy, I'd use it. 73 00:12:53,132 --> 00:12:54,485 Hello. 74 00:12:58,492 --> 00:13:01,052 - Oh, God! - What? 75 00:13:01,132 --> 00:13:03,487 Just a second. It's your aunt. 76 00:13:03,572 --> 00:13:05,528 What happened? 77 00:13:05,612 --> 00:13:07,682 Your dad had a heart attack. 78 00:13:11,692 --> 00:13:14,047 Who's gonna watch the kids? 79 00:13:15,092 --> 00:13:17,686 Marcie. She's right across the street. 80 00:13:17,772 --> 00:13:20,240 She's the last person I'd ask for a favor. 81 00:13:22,292 --> 00:13:24,123 What about the Nevilles? 82 00:13:26,612 --> 00:13:28,489 Would you call them? 83 00:13:28,572 --> 00:13:30,961 I want to leave as soon as we can. 84 00:13:32,732 --> 00:13:35,007 I am so helpless here. 85 00:13:35,092 --> 00:13:38,687 Don't start getting down on why we moved. 86 00:13:38,772 --> 00:13:40,842 It has nothing to do with what happened. 87 00:13:40,932 --> 00:13:42,331 Sorry. 88 00:13:45,052 --> 00:13:47,168 This is just a thought. 89 00:13:47,252 --> 00:13:50,244 What about Buck? I'm sure he'd be glad to help out. 90 00:13:50,332 --> 00:13:53,130 This is not the time to discuss your brother. 91 00:13:53,212 --> 00:13:56,329 - I don't want him here. - It's just a suggestion. 92 00:13:56,412 --> 00:14:00,371 He doesn't have kids. He isn't married. He doesn't even work! 93 00:14:01,972 --> 00:14:06,204 He's a little out there, but he's responsible and he's family. 94 00:14:06,292 --> 00:14:11,650 Buck is not the kind of guy I feel comfortable leaving my kids with. 95 00:14:11,732 --> 00:14:14,246 The trashy people he hangs out with. 96 00:14:14,332 --> 00:14:17,722 That woman who sells tires. 97 00:14:17,812 --> 00:14:20,645 The horse racing, the gambling. Can you see him in this house? 98 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:22,641 Okay. 99 00:14:26,372 --> 00:14:28,408 Call the Nevilles. 100 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:35,211 Are we going to Indianapolis? 101 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,408 Daddy and I are. 102 00:14:37,492 --> 00:14:40,086 And we're not? 103 00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:42,208 No, that's not a good idea. 104 00:14:44,812 --> 00:14:46,723 Thanks. 105 00:14:46,812 --> 00:14:48,848 I loved my father very much. 106 00:14:48,932 --> 00:14:51,321 So why did you move away from him? 107 00:14:54,652 --> 00:14:58,327 If my family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too. 108 00:15:04,692 --> 00:15:06,125 I see. 109 00:15:08,052 --> 00:15:10,805 - Who will take care of us? - Mr. And Mrs. Neville. 110 00:15:10,892 --> 00:15:13,565 - Is that a joke? - You don't like the Nevilles? 111 00:15:13,652 --> 00:15:16,849 - The dog's a ball sniffer. - Don't talk like that. 112 00:15:16,932 --> 00:15:20,811 Mr. Neville yelled at Michael because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls. 113 00:15:20,892 --> 00:15:22,928 - Don't use that word. - I don't know another word. 114 00:15:23,012 --> 00:15:25,526 We can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog. 115 00:15:25,612 --> 00:15:28,604 Sorry, honey. They're in Florida. 116 00:15:31,252 --> 00:15:33,083 You get in bed. 117 00:15:33,172 --> 00:15:35,402 You have to get up for school. 118 00:15:35,492 --> 00:15:37,926 - Who's in Florida? - Get back in bed. 119 00:15:38,012 --> 00:15:40,890 - What's the other word for balls? - Get in bed. 120 00:15:43,412 --> 00:15:44,891 Nuts. 121 00:15:48,172 --> 00:15:50,242 What do we do? 122 00:15:50,332 --> 00:15:52,402 I don't think we have much choice. 123 00:15:54,252 --> 00:15:55,605 Can we trust him? 124 00:15:58,372 --> 00:15:59,487 Yeah? 125 00:15:59,572 --> 00:16:01,642 Buck, this is Bob. 126 00:16:01,732 --> 00:16:04,565 Bob? Bob who? 127 00:16:07,372 --> 00:16:09,363 It's your brother. 128 00:16:10,572 --> 00:16:14,167 Bobby! Hang on a minute. 129 00:16:34,412 --> 00:16:36,926 Just used your Christmas present. 130 00:16:37,012 --> 00:16:39,242 The Clapper. 131 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,608 You little pissant, how you doing? 132 00:16:42,692 --> 00:16:44,569 Geez! Are you drunk? 133 00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,445 You know something? 134 00:16:47,532 --> 00:16:51,286 We gotta get together. I haven't been over your house since you moved in. 135 00:16:51,372 --> 00:16:55,843 I'm sorry about those bushes too. I had no idea... 136 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:58,810 that they would catch on fire like that. 137 00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,611 You were right. I should never have put the barbecue that close. 138 00:17:01,692 --> 00:17:04,843 Cindy's father had a heart attack tonight. 139 00:17:04,932 --> 00:17:08,288 We'd like to get to Indianapolis as soon as possible. 140 00:17:08,372 --> 00:17:11,125 But we have a problem with the kids. 141 00:17:11,212 --> 00:17:15,205 We're stuck for somebody to watch them. If you're not doing anything... 142 00:17:15,292 --> 00:17:18,170 Is this okay with Cindy? It's got Cindy's approval? 143 00:17:18,892 --> 00:17:20,245 Oh, yeah. 144 00:17:20,332 --> 00:17:23,847 That'd be great. I'd be honored. 145 00:17:23,932 --> 00:17:27,288 I've still got the one bedroom. I'm going to get a bigger place. 146 00:17:27,372 --> 00:17:30,011 But they can bring their sleeping bags. We'll have fun. 147 00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,765 We'll make tents. Get some toys and peanut butter. 148 00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:35,571 - We'll have a blast. - I thought you could come here. 149 00:17:35,652 --> 00:17:37,563 The kids have school. 150 00:17:37,652 --> 00:17:39,688 What am I thinking? Sure. 151 00:17:39,772 --> 00:17:41,808 Tonight or in the morning? 152 00:17:41,892 --> 00:17:43,962 Tonight would be best if you could do it. 153 00:17:44,052 --> 00:17:47,601 Tonight will be fine. Don't worry. 154 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,683 I'll pack a few things and I'm on my way. 155 00:17:49,772 --> 00:17:51,967 Thanks. See you soon. 156 00:17:53,852 --> 00:17:57,731 He can do it. He was asleep and I woke him up. 157 00:17:59,452 --> 00:18:03,240 At this hour, that's a good sign. We're all set. 158 00:18:11,172 --> 00:18:13,606 Okay, this, this and this. 159 00:18:17,652 --> 00:18:19,563 Bag, bag, bag. 160 00:18:21,372 --> 00:18:23,203 This will do. 161 00:18:33,892 --> 00:18:35,086 Hello. 162 00:18:35,172 --> 00:18:37,049 Chanice, honey? 163 00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,369 I have bad news. 164 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,488 Let me guess. 165 00:18:42,572 --> 00:18:44,722 You are not coming in to work in the morning. 166 00:18:48,452 --> 00:18:50,329 Just let... 167 00:18:51,492 --> 00:18:53,448 No, but... You don't... 168 00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:56,490 Would you just... Give me... 169 00:18:56,572 --> 00:18:59,006 Let me get... 170 00:18:59,092 --> 00:19:01,242 You're not... Give me a... 171 00:19:02,252 --> 00:19:03,651 Good-bye. 172 00:19:06,652 --> 00:19:09,564 Boy, I haven't seen those kids in a while. 173 00:19:11,212 --> 00:19:13,567 Tia's got to be nine. 174 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,485 Nine, maybe ten. Oh, boy. 175 00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:19,609 And the two new ones. They're... 176 00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,410 Larry and... 177 00:19:22,772 --> 00:19:24,125 Larry and... 178 00:19:26,492 --> 00:19:27,845 Betsy. 179 00:19:27,932 --> 00:19:29,331 Betsy... 180 00:19:30,732 --> 00:19:32,848 Jennifer. 181 00:19:32,932 --> 00:19:35,048 Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids. 182 00:19:40,132 --> 00:19:44,808 Honey, he's 40 years old. He knows his way around. 183 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:50,012 Why don't you finish packing? I'll watch out for Buck. 184 00:20:10,732 --> 00:20:13,405 What the hell? 185 00:20:13,492 --> 00:20:15,323 Where is everybody? 186 00:20:22,772 --> 00:20:24,125 Bob? 187 00:20:27,692 --> 00:20:30,684 This isn't funny. Come on. Wake up! 188 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:34,731 - I'm freezing my ass off out here. - Oh, shit! 189 00:20:34,812 --> 00:20:37,201 I'm getting mad, Bob. 190 00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:40,921 Buck? 191 00:20:44,692 --> 00:20:46,125 Over here! 192 00:20:53,892 --> 00:20:57,646 Do you know how many big white houses there are on this street? 193 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:00,485 What? 194 00:21:00,572 --> 00:21:03,006 - Keep it down. - What? 195 00:21:03,092 --> 00:21:06,482 - What should I do with my car? - For crying out loud! 196 00:21:06,572 --> 00:21:08,051 Sorry, Mr. Hatfield. 197 00:21:08,132 --> 00:21:10,168 It's 2:00 a. M! 198 00:21:10,252 --> 00:21:12,720 How you doing? Sorry I'm late. 199 00:21:12,812 --> 00:21:16,009 - No. Thanks for coming. - What happened to the mustache? 200 00:21:16,092 --> 00:21:18,287 - Had to shave it off. - How's Cindy? 201 00:21:18,372 --> 00:21:20,249 - Not well. - Her dad? 202 00:21:20,332 --> 00:21:23,483 - Hard to say. - Those medical terms. An infarction? 203 00:21:32,092 --> 00:21:35,880 I stopped smoking cigarettes. Isn't that something? 204 00:21:36,972 --> 00:21:39,805 I'm on to cigars. I'm on a five-year plan. 205 00:21:39,892 --> 00:21:42,929 I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then to pipes... 206 00:21:43,012 --> 00:21:45,367 then to chewing tobacco, then the nicotine gum. 207 00:21:46,332 --> 00:21:47,685 Good. 208 00:21:49,212 --> 00:21:50,804 Money. 209 00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:54,487 - I'll leave you blank checks. - No, I've got lots of money. 210 00:21:56,092 --> 00:21:58,322 No, please. 211 00:21:58,412 --> 00:22:00,448 I've got the money. I'd like to do this. 212 00:22:00,532 --> 00:22:02,921 All right? Come on, please. 213 00:22:03,012 --> 00:22:05,606 I'll pay you back when we get home. 214 00:22:09,092 --> 00:22:11,481 I won't have any problem cashing... 215 00:22:11,572 --> 00:22:14,166 a second-party out-of-state paycheck, will I? 216 00:22:14,252 --> 00:22:19,167 I've been so busy, I haven't been able to do my banking. 217 00:22:19,252 --> 00:22:21,766 - I don't think there'll be a problem. - Let me leave you the checks. 218 00:22:21,852 --> 00:22:24,366 - Only if it's comfortable for you. - That'll be easier. 219 00:22:24,452 --> 00:22:26,841 I guess. Do you have a plunger? 220 00:22:26,932 --> 00:22:30,766 While I'm thinking of these things. For the morning. 221 00:22:30,852 --> 00:22:33,241 My plumbing is bad. Of course, yours is good. 222 00:22:33,332 --> 00:22:35,926 I would imagine. Don't worry about it. 223 00:22:36,012 --> 00:22:38,685 Everything will be fine. I've been bound up lately. 224 00:22:38,772 --> 00:22:42,082 It's driving me crazy. I've been eating a lot of cheese for some reason. 225 00:22:42,172 --> 00:22:45,847 I got a craving for the stuff. Do you think maybe that's an allergy? 226 00:22:47,292 --> 00:22:48,691 Yeah. 227 00:22:48,772 --> 00:22:52,890 I don't know, I can't get enough cheese. I feel like a big mouse. 228 00:22:53,852 --> 00:22:56,127 - I don't know. - Oh, well. 229 00:22:56,212 --> 00:23:00,330 Let's see. Oh, Miles' birthday. 230 00:23:00,412 --> 00:23:02,972 We'll be back by that time. 231 00:23:03,052 --> 00:23:05,168 Okay, then. This should do. 232 00:23:05,252 --> 00:23:08,801 I probably won't use them. Just in case. 233 00:23:08,892 --> 00:23:11,122 - Right. - Great. Okay. 234 00:23:20,092 --> 00:23:22,765 I know I've forgotten something. What else? 235 00:23:22,852 --> 00:23:26,891 All right? That looks nice. Give me your arm. 236 00:23:26,972 --> 00:23:30,681 It should only be a few days. I promise I'll call you tomorrow. 237 00:23:30,772 --> 00:23:32,967 - You've got all the phone numbers? - Yeah. 238 00:23:33,052 --> 00:23:36,249 - We're off. Thanks, Buck. - Take care of yourself. 239 00:23:36,332 --> 00:23:39,369 - We appreciate this. - Thanks. Thank you. 240 00:23:39,452 --> 00:23:42,967 - Say hi to your dad. Drive safely. - You can do it. 241 00:24:07,172 --> 00:24:08,571 That's for sure. 242 00:24:23,372 --> 00:24:24,725 Unbreakable. 243 00:24:31,172 --> 00:24:33,083 Shit! 244 00:24:34,452 --> 00:24:36,283 It's 7:02 in the a.m. 245 00:24:36,372 --> 00:24:38,567 You're listening to W-l-Don't-Have-To-Go-To-Work-Today... 246 00:24:38,652 --> 00:24:40,483 brought to you by Kobolowski Tires. 247 00:24:40,572 --> 00:24:42,802 For the best in tires, see Chanice Kobolowski. 248 00:25:12,612 --> 00:25:14,011 Tia! 249 00:25:17,172 --> 00:25:19,766 You remember me? 250 00:25:23,052 --> 00:25:25,043 Uncle Buck. 251 00:25:25,132 --> 00:25:26,963 The Uncle Buck. 252 00:25:35,092 --> 00:25:37,048 Coffee drinker, huh? 253 00:25:51,772 --> 00:25:54,286 - Hungry? - No. 254 00:25:54,372 --> 00:25:57,967 Sure you are. Everybody loves breakfast. You gotta have a good breakfast. 255 00:25:58,052 --> 00:26:00,691 Start the day off right. 256 00:26:04,292 --> 00:26:07,523 - So where are the other ones? - Other ones what? 257 00:26:07,612 --> 00:26:10,206 The other kids. 258 00:26:10,292 --> 00:26:13,648 They have names. Miles and Maizy. 259 00:26:13,732 --> 00:26:15,609 Are Miles and Maizy up yet? 260 00:26:15,692 --> 00:26:17,523 I woke them, thank you. 261 00:26:21,292 --> 00:26:22,645 There you go. 262 00:26:22,732 --> 00:26:24,768 Are you deaf? I said I wasn't hungry. 263 00:26:24,852 --> 00:26:26,683 That's one of my specialties. 264 00:26:31,212 --> 00:26:32,725 I'd rather starve. 265 00:26:32,812 --> 00:26:34,803 Does your mom know you drink coffee? 266 00:26:35,732 --> 00:26:38,724 I'm not doing it to impress you. 267 00:26:38,812 --> 00:26:40,723 I appreciate that. 268 00:26:42,332 --> 00:26:44,846 Is there a reason why you're giving me a hard time? 269 00:26:46,652 --> 00:26:49,485 Am I giving you a hard time? 270 00:26:49,572 --> 00:26:52,848 Well, I don't know. 271 00:26:52,932 --> 00:26:55,207 - How you doin'? - Who are you? 272 00:26:55,292 --> 00:26:56,884 I'm your Uncle Buck. 273 00:26:57,692 --> 00:26:59,922 - Do I have an uncle? - Unfortunately. 274 00:27:01,412 --> 00:27:02,765 Holy smokes! 275 00:27:02,852 --> 00:27:05,002 He's cooking our garbage. 276 00:27:11,372 --> 00:27:13,647 Where's your sister... 277 00:27:13,732 --> 00:27:17,088 Her name is Maizy, for the second time. 278 00:27:18,332 --> 00:27:20,721 Sorry. 279 00:27:21,932 --> 00:27:24,207 You must be hungry. 280 00:27:24,292 --> 00:27:26,567 Just for you. 281 00:27:26,652 --> 00:27:30,565 Oh, my God! He put onions in the eggs. 282 00:27:30,652 --> 00:27:32,370 I'm gonna check on Maizy. 283 00:27:32,452 --> 00:27:35,603 I'll fix you cereal when I get back. 284 00:27:51,412 --> 00:27:53,528 - Can I ask you something? - What? 285 00:27:54,572 --> 00:27:56,403 Is she always this pleasant? 286 00:27:56,492 --> 00:27:59,484 No, she's usually in a bad mood in the morning. 287 00:28:03,052 --> 00:28:06,283 Do you want knots in your hair? Cut it out. 288 00:28:06,372 --> 00:28:09,205 - I want Mom to do it. - Mom's not here. 289 00:28:09,292 --> 00:28:11,123 - She is too. - No, she's not. 290 00:28:11,212 --> 00:28:14,409 - She and Dad went to Indianapolis. - They did not. 291 00:28:14,492 --> 00:28:16,847 - Okay, they didn't. - They did? 292 00:28:16,932 --> 00:28:19,605 Yes. And I'm taking care of you. 293 00:28:19,692 --> 00:28:22,126 But you can't drive. 294 00:28:23,692 --> 00:28:25,284 - Where do you live? - In the city. 295 00:28:25,372 --> 00:28:26,885 - Do you own a house? - Apartment. Rent. 296 00:28:26,972 --> 00:28:29,122 - What do you do for a living? - Lots of things. 297 00:28:29,212 --> 00:28:31,772 - Where's your office? - I don't have one. I don't need one. 298 00:28:31,852 --> 00:28:34,525 - Where's your wife? - Don't have one. It's a long story. 299 00:28:34,612 --> 00:28:37,604 - Do you have kids? - I don't. It's an even longer story. 300 00:28:37,692 --> 00:28:40,331 - Are you my dad's brother? - What's your record for questions asked? 301 00:28:40,412 --> 00:28:42,972 - Thirty-eight. - I'm your dad's brother. 302 00:28:43,052 --> 00:28:45,202 You have more nose hair than my dad. 303 00:28:45,292 --> 00:28:47,601 - Nice of you to notice. - I'm a kid. That's my job. 304 00:29:20,212 --> 00:29:23,090 That is my car. 305 00:29:42,612 --> 00:29:44,842 Tying your shoe? 306 00:29:51,012 --> 00:29:55,085 - What time should I pick you up? - Don't bother. I'll get a ride. 307 00:29:55,172 --> 00:29:57,163 No, I've got orders. What time? 308 00:29:58,172 --> 00:30:00,640 Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. 309 00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,324 I always get a ride. 310 00:30:02,412 --> 00:30:05,370 I'll call the school, find out what time and meet you here. 311 00:30:05,452 --> 00:30:08,603 Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here. 312 00:30:08,692 --> 00:30:11,968 Stand me up today, and tomorrow... 313 00:30:12,052 --> 00:30:16,091 I'll drive you to school in my pajamas and walk you to your first class. 314 00:30:17,012 --> 00:30:21,369 - 4:00 okay? - I'm stunned I'm related to you. 315 00:30:22,492 --> 00:30:25,165 You get the pole out of your keister, we'll get along fine. 316 00:30:28,012 --> 00:30:30,651 Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this? 317 00:30:39,092 --> 00:30:41,208 No. 318 00:30:57,212 --> 00:31:00,329 - You think she hates me? - With a passion. 319 00:31:00,412 --> 00:31:03,324 - Is it the hat? - No. 320 00:31:03,412 --> 00:31:08,327 A lot of people hate this hat. The sight of it angers people. 321 00:31:08,412 --> 00:31:11,563 I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school. 322 00:31:15,932 --> 00:31:17,763 Right. Listen, Buck. 323 00:31:17,852 --> 00:31:21,561 For eight years you have been making plans and breaking plans. 324 00:31:21,652 --> 00:31:23,643 What are you talking about? 325 00:31:23,732 --> 00:31:27,520 Didn't we talk last night about this? 326 00:31:27,612 --> 00:31:30,445 What did we talk about? Me playing the father! 327 00:31:30,532 --> 00:31:34,650 I'm glad you can do it for your brother. You sure can't do it for me. 328 00:31:34,732 --> 00:31:37,246 How could I do it for you? We don't have kids. 329 00:31:37,332 --> 00:31:39,368 What are you talking about? 330 00:31:39,452 --> 00:31:42,922 Buck, I know you think the job is pointless... 331 00:31:43,012 --> 00:31:46,288 and in some way I'm trying to manipulate you and control you... 332 00:31:46,372 --> 00:31:49,250 and ruin your life. 333 00:31:49,332 --> 00:31:53,803 I have to fill the position. It's important to the company and me. 334 00:31:53,892 --> 00:31:57,123 Unless you tell me different, I'll offer the job to somebody else. 335 00:31:57,212 --> 00:32:01,967 Give me a week to think about it. I don't know how long I'll be here. 336 00:32:02,052 --> 00:32:05,124 Lf, during that week... 337 00:32:05,212 --> 00:32:07,885 you see somebody who will fill the bill... 338 00:32:07,972 --> 00:32:10,691 hire him on a part-time basis or whatever. 339 00:32:10,772 --> 00:32:15,209 That way I'll make up my mind and we'll see where we are at that point. 340 00:32:15,292 --> 00:32:17,567 Okay, I have to go now. 341 00:32:17,652 --> 00:32:19,643 Bye-bye, hon. 342 00:32:29,972 --> 00:32:32,247 Eight more. Come on. 343 00:32:32,332 --> 00:32:34,482 Work it. Get the circulation going. 344 00:32:34,572 --> 00:32:36,403 Step it up. 345 00:32:37,332 --> 00:32:39,004 Isn't peace wonderful? 346 00:32:39,092 --> 00:32:43,643 Mikhail Gorbachev, the most improbable evil emperor in captivity... 347 00:32:43,732 --> 00:32:45,848 captivates Manhattan... 348 00:32:45,932 --> 00:32:50,722 wows the U.N. By announcing a unilateral cut in the Soviet military... 349 00:32:50,812 --> 00:32:55,363 smiles and waves with erstwhile cold warriors Ronald Reagan... 350 00:33:06,852 --> 00:33:10,527 And the stock market has its best week sinceJuly. 351 00:33:10,612 --> 00:33:12,443 Take that, Karl Marx. 352 00:33:41,732 --> 00:33:44,405 Would you like to talk about a possible lunch trade? 353 00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:33,847 Cover your ears. Just do it. 354 00:34:40,332 --> 00:34:43,768 Do you know how whipped an engine has to be to blow that loud? 355 00:34:51,932 --> 00:34:53,843 Call me. 356 00:34:55,332 --> 00:34:58,369 You ever hear of a tune-up? 357 00:35:00,372 --> 00:35:03,125 You ever hear of a ritual killing? 358 00:35:04,332 --> 00:35:05,685 I don't get it. 359 00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:08,445 Gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. 360 00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:21,847 - Are you crazy? - I can be. 361 00:35:21,932 --> 00:35:24,492 - You could've taken his head off. - But would he notice? 362 00:35:24,572 --> 00:35:26,881 Can we get something straight? 363 00:35:26,972 --> 00:35:29,202 The guy's a predator and you're his prey. 364 00:35:29,292 --> 00:35:30,930 - Really? - You bet. 365 00:35:31,012 --> 00:35:33,606 - How do you know? - When I was his age, I was the guy... 366 00:35:33,692 --> 00:35:36,490 zooming the girls like you. 367 00:35:36,572 --> 00:35:38,290 Pretty face, big chip on your shoulder. 368 00:35:38,372 --> 00:35:41,011 I recommend you stay out of my personal life. 369 00:35:41,892 --> 00:35:43,723 Do your parents stay out of your personal lie? 370 00:35:43,812 --> 00:35:46,770 They don't know my personal life. 371 00:35:48,252 --> 00:35:51,881 - Have they met Twiddle Dink? - His name is Bug. 372 00:35:54,412 --> 00:35:56,482 - First or last? - First. 373 00:35:56,572 --> 00:35:59,291 What's his last name, Spray? 374 00:36:01,852 --> 00:36:04,127 You should talk, Buck. 375 00:36:21,452 --> 00:36:23,488 No. No. 376 00:36:23,572 --> 00:36:27,167 N-O. Don't look at me like that. 377 00:36:28,212 --> 00:36:30,089 Don't! 378 00:36:30,172 --> 00:36:32,208 That's not fair. 379 00:36:37,292 --> 00:36:40,967 Don't you have a favorite doll or something? 380 00:36:41,052 --> 00:36:44,522 Why don't we get your doll and put your dad's pajamas on him? 381 00:36:51,172 --> 00:36:53,732 Your brother! What about your brother? 382 00:36:55,012 --> 00:36:56,889 How about the dog? You know the dog. 383 00:37:02,692 --> 00:37:04,842 You can't. You just can't. 384 00:37:06,332 --> 00:37:08,527 It's a new law. That's it. 385 00:37:08,612 --> 00:37:10,648 It's in the books. 386 00:37:11,932 --> 00:37:13,809 You don't want to sleep with me. 387 00:37:14,812 --> 00:37:17,804 Can somebody get that, please? 388 00:37:19,292 --> 00:37:22,409 Do I have to do everything around here? 389 00:37:26,972 --> 00:37:29,850 - Yo. - Hi, sweetie. How are you? 390 00:37:29,932 --> 00:37:33,925 Fine. I'm earning my keep. Uncle Buck's got me bustin' my hump. 391 00:37:34,012 --> 00:37:36,765 He says hard work will put hair on my chest. 392 00:37:36,852 --> 00:37:38,524 At least I'm learning a trade. 393 00:37:38,612 --> 00:37:42,082 That's good. Grandpa's feeling better. 394 00:37:42,172 --> 00:37:45,244 He sends you big hugs and kisses. 395 00:37:45,332 --> 00:37:46,924 Tell him to hang in there. 396 00:37:48,132 --> 00:37:51,647 - Can you get Uncle Buck? - Will do, chickie. 397 00:37:51,732 --> 00:37:53,131 Mom? 398 00:37:53,212 --> 00:37:55,521 - Hi. - Next time you take off... 399 00:37:55,612 --> 00:37:58,172 why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house? 400 00:37:58,252 --> 00:38:00,766 This guy's a joke. 401 00:38:00,852 --> 00:38:04,288 Why don't you go your way and let him go his? 402 00:38:05,252 --> 00:38:07,561 While he systematically dismantles my life? 403 00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:10,689 Another drawback is that I'm a big drooler. 404 00:38:10,772 --> 00:38:13,969 You could wake up thinking you were asleep in a swamp. 405 00:38:14,052 --> 00:38:16,725 - Mom's on the phone. - Good. I'll be right there. 406 00:38:16,812 --> 00:38:19,724 The guy took off and left Miles and Maizy alone. 407 00:38:21,292 --> 00:38:24,090 Plus he drinks. 408 00:38:24,172 --> 00:38:27,289 - Did you brush your teeth? - Yeah. Feel my toothbrush. 409 00:38:27,372 --> 00:38:31,524 I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. 410 00:38:31,612 --> 00:38:34,570 I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it to see... 411 00:38:34,652 --> 00:38:38,406 if you actually brushed your teeth or ran your toothbrush under the faucet. 412 00:38:46,412 --> 00:38:50,485 If that's true, we're going to really have to start brushing our teeth. 413 00:38:51,812 --> 00:38:53,131 How are you? 414 00:38:53,212 --> 00:38:56,648 - I'm okay. How's everything? - Good, good. 415 00:38:56,732 --> 00:38:59,371 - You sure? - Everything is fine here. 416 00:38:59,452 --> 00:39:01,920 - Everything's fine. - Kids are okay? 417 00:39:02,012 --> 00:39:04,924 The kids are great! We're having a great time together. 418 00:39:05,012 --> 00:39:06,570 How's your dad? 419 00:39:06,652 --> 00:39:09,120 He's okay. He's getting better. Thanks. 420 00:39:09,212 --> 00:39:11,282 That's good news. That's encouraging. 421 00:39:11,372 --> 00:39:13,488 I've got a good feeling about this. He's gonna be fine. 422 00:39:13,572 --> 00:39:15,642 I got a few questions for you. 423 00:39:15,732 --> 00:39:19,122 You got an interesting set of plates in the living room. 424 00:39:19,212 --> 00:39:20,725 - Are they old? - Yeah. 425 00:39:20,812 --> 00:39:22,165 They are. 426 00:39:23,292 --> 00:39:25,283 Where would you find something like that? 427 00:39:25,372 --> 00:39:27,602 In an antique shop downtown? 428 00:39:29,332 --> 00:39:30,685 In England. 429 00:39:37,612 --> 00:39:40,001 How many times a day do you feed a dog like that? 430 00:39:40,092 --> 00:39:44,483 How many times a day do you think he eats? 431 00:39:44,572 --> 00:39:46,051 Four or five. 432 00:39:46,132 --> 00:39:48,965 He eats once a day. 433 00:39:49,052 --> 00:39:51,407 Just once. 434 00:39:51,492 --> 00:39:54,609 What does he like to drink? Water? 435 00:39:54,692 --> 00:39:58,082 Yes, he drinks water. I would keep water out. 436 00:39:58,172 --> 00:40:01,130 I've been leaving the toilet seats up. 437 00:40:01,212 --> 00:40:03,043 Yeah. 438 00:40:03,132 --> 00:40:05,088 The blue water's not good for him? 439 00:40:07,252 --> 00:40:09,561 That might account for something. 440 00:40:09,652 --> 00:40:11,768 Nothing. 441 00:40:11,852 --> 00:40:14,810 Just an odd coloration out on the grass. 442 00:40:15,612 --> 00:40:17,011 Buck... 443 00:40:19,052 --> 00:40:22,522 I want you to know it makes me feel secure to know you're there. 444 00:40:25,852 --> 00:40:27,205 Thank you very much. 445 00:40:27,292 --> 00:40:29,203 Okay, bye-bye. 446 00:40:35,652 --> 00:40:37,051 Bob? 447 00:42:08,212 --> 00:42:09,565 Cindy? 448 00:42:18,492 --> 00:42:20,050 Open up. 449 00:42:22,572 --> 00:42:23,925 Hello? 450 00:42:32,292 --> 00:42:34,283 I'm getting mad. All right. 451 00:42:34,372 --> 00:42:36,602 Get ready. Here I come. 452 00:42:36,692 --> 00:42:40,207 Come on! Do I have to talk dirty to you? 453 00:42:40,292 --> 00:42:42,601 Open up for daddy. 454 00:42:42,692 --> 00:42:44,523 There we go. 455 00:42:44,612 --> 00:42:47,001 Nice and easy. 456 00:42:47,092 --> 00:42:49,686 Come on, here we go. Take that! 457 00:42:49,772 --> 00:42:51,683 You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! 458 00:42:53,052 --> 00:42:54,405 Open up! 459 00:42:54,492 --> 00:42:55,845 Come on! 460 00:42:55,932 --> 00:42:58,730 I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not. 461 00:42:58,812 --> 00:43:00,325 Come on! 462 00:43:00,412 --> 00:43:03,688 Come on, you son of a bitch, open up. 463 00:43:22,532 --> 00:43:24,807 - Freeze! - Who are you? 464 00:43:24,892 --> 00:43:27,360 - Cindy! - She's in Indianapolis. 465 00:43:27,452 --> 00:43:30,967 - What's she doing in Indianapolis? - Her father had a heart attack. 466 00:43:31,052 --> 00:43:34,124 Who are you, and how do you know her father had a heart attack? 467 00:43:34,212 --> 00:43:35,770 I'm her brother-in-law. 468 00:43:35,852 --> 00:43:38,605 Yeah? Who you talking dirty to? 469 00:43:40,732 --> 00:43:42,085 The washing machine. 470 00:43:42,172 --> 00:43:45,448 I don't know how to work it, so I was kicking it and swearing at it... 471 00:43:45,532 --> 00:43:48,888 which is not an uncommon thing to do. 472 00:43:48,972 --> 00:43:50,803 And you thought... 473 00:43:51,932 --> 00:43:54,287 - I apologize. - Okay. 474 00:43:56,212 --> 00:43:58,009 Boy, that's funny. 475 00:43:59,612 --> 00:44:01,728 I live across the street. 476 00:44:01,812 --> 00:44:04,610 - My name is Marcie. - Buck Russell. 477 00:44:05,812 --> 00:44:07,165 Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. 478 00:44:07,252 --> 00:44:10,050 Dahlgren is my maiden name. Frost is my married name. 479 00:44:10,132 --> 00:44:13,204 I'm single again, but I never bothered to lose the Frost. 480 00:44:14,772 --> 00:44:18,526 - I get compliments on the hyphen. - I'm sure you would. 481 00:44:19,652 --> 00:44:21,722 I came to invite Cindy to lunch... 482 00:44:21,812 --> 00:44:24,485 but since she's not here, do you have plans? 483 00:44:24,572 --> 00:44:27,803 I've got a lot of things to do around here. 484 00:44:27,892 --> 00:44:29,166 Rain check? 485 00:44:30,452 --> 00:44:32,283 I'm only gonna be here a couple days. 486 00:44:32,372 --> 00:44:34,727 Cindy said it would only be a couple of days? 487 00:44:34,812 --> 00:44:37,087 She didn't specify. I just assumed. 488 00:44:37,172 --> 00:44:39,811 My father's heart attack, I was out of town three weeks. 489 00:44:39,892 --> 00:44:42,281 No wonder Cindy didn't call me. 490 00:44:42,372 --> 00:44:46,206 You need a relative for an imposition of this size. 491 00:44:54,972 --> 00:44:56,724 Waiting for your sex? 492 00:44:56,812 --> 00:44:58,370 Shut up! 493 00:44:58,452 --> 00:45:00,044 Tia? 494 00:45:04,572 --> 00:45:06,927 Why'd you blow all that makeup? We're just going bowling. 495 00:45:08,132 --> 00:45:09,645 I'm not going bowling. 496 00:45:09,732 --> 00:45:13,327 It's a great sport, and it's impossible to get pregnant while doing it... 497 00:45:13,412 --> 00:45:15,243 if you catch my drift. 498 00:45:15,332 --> 00:45:19,723 You're disgusting. I'll die before I go anywhere with you. 499 00:45:19,812 --> 00:45:22,451 - It's going to be fun. - They have rent-a-shoes. 500 00:45:22,532 --> 00:45:24,602 And rent-a-foot-disease. 501 00:45:24,692 --> 00:45:28,241 We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. 502 00:45:28,332 --> 00:45:30,323 You'll lose again. 503 00:45:30,412 --> 00:45:31,765 Try me. 504 00:45:31,852 --> 00:45:34,889 How'd you like to spend the next few nights wondering... 505 00:45:34,972 --> 00:45:37,167 if your crazy, out-of-work bum uncle... 506 00:45:37,252 --> 00:45:40,324 will shave your head while you sleep? 507 00:45:40,412 --> 00:45:42,767 See you in the car. 508 00:46:16,852 --> 00:46:18,968 Come on up. 509 00:46:20,172 --> 00:46:22,640 There you go. This is a bowling ball. 510 00:46:56,092 --> 00:46:59,323 How you doing? Never seen you here before. 511 00:46:59,412 --> 00:47:03,291 I know about everybody. That's why they call me "Pal." 512 00:47:04,332 --> 00:47:08,245 Buy you a beer? You must be a college student. 513 00:47:09,372 --> 00:47:11,647 Cheerleader probably. 514 00:47:12,932 --> 00:47:14,923 You look firm. 515 00:47:15,012 --> 00:47:17,526 Give it a push. That's it. 516 00:47:17,612 --> 00:47:20,968 You like all-terrain vehicles? 517 00:47:21,052 --> 00:47:26,172 I've got a brand-new Bronco right out in the parking lot. Red. 518 00:47:26,252 --> 00:47:28,243 Want to go for a ride? 519 00:47:32,852 --> 00:47:35,241 If the object of the game were to get the ball as close to the pins... 520 00:47:35,332 --> 00:47:37,402 without knocking any of them over... 521 00:47:37,492 --> 00:47:39,847 you would be champion of the world. 522 00:47:39,932 --> 00:47:41,923 - Really? - Really. 523 00:47:47,972 --> 00:47:51,487 My throat hurts. I can't talk. 524 00:47:51,572 --> 00:47:53,722 I've got a cure for that. 525 00:48:00,292 --> 00:48:02,283 You got a game going? 526 00:48:02,372 --> 00:48:05,967 You're not going to get any strikes sitting there, are you? Move it! 527 00:48:06,052 --> 00:48:07,451 Get out! 528 00:48:10,252 --> 00:48:12,846 Shithead, where the hell you been? 529 00:48:18,212 --> 00:48:20,407 Sit down. I want you to meet my niece. 530 00:48:20,492 --> 00:48:22,289 Tia, this is Rog. Rog, Tia. 531 00:48:22,372 --> 00:48:26,490 How are you? E. Roger Coswell. 532 00:48:26,572 --> 00:48:29,723 Come on, it ain't gonna bite. 533 00:48:30,972 --> 00:48:33,964 Okay. You've got to let somebody know where you are. 534 00:48:34,052 --> 00:48:36,441 I've been checking car trunks for your corpse. 535 00:48:36,532 --> 00:48:41,003 I'm sorry. I've been in the suburbs watching my brother's kids a few days. 536 00:48:41,092 --> 00:48:42,684 They're cuties. 537 00:48:42,772 --> 00:48:45,491 Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the goddamnedest things. 538 00:48:45,572 --> 00:48:46,971 Is Chanice here? 539 00:48:48,092 --> 00:48:50,003 I'm flying solo tonight. 540 00:48:50,092 --> 00:48:51,923 I want to let her have it for not marrying you. 541 00:48:52,012 --> 00:48:55,721 If she'd marry your worthless butt, I would be able to find you. 542 00:48:55,812 --> 00:48:58,406 I gotta talk business. I can't find you. 543 00:48:58,492 --> 00:49:01,290 Why don't we step into my office then? 544 00:49:01,372 --> 00:49:04,205 Excuse us. Come on, big mouth. 545 00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:07,762 - It was nice meeting you. - I'll remember it always. 546 00:49:10,772 --> 00:49:12,125 Cute kid. 547 00:49:13,132 --> 00:49:16,408 - Jimmy Bean called. - Yeah? 548 00:49:16,492 --> 00:49:19,529 He's coming in for the Winter Million at Burlington Park on Friday. 549 00:49:19,612 --> 00:49:23,969 He says it's a boat race, very easy money. He owes you and me. 550 00:49:24,052 --> 00:49:28,364 He says to show up an hour before post time and he'll give us the tip. 551 00:49:28,452 --> 00:49:32,206 Consider this, Buck. With this score, your whole year's covered. 552 00:49:37,132 --> 00:49:38,963 Maybe I can make it work. 553 00:49:39,972 --> 00:49:41,803 I'll see you Friday night. 554 00:49:41,892 --> 00:49:43,325 Thanks, Rog. 555 00:49:43,412 --> 00:49:45,482 Watch the Sterno, will you? 556 00:49:50,412 --> 00:49:52,050 Watch your fingers. 557 00:49:55,932 --> 00:49:58,241 What's a "Chanice"? 558 00:49:58,332 --> 00:50:00,721 That's someone who's sometimes seen around a Buck. 559 00:50:00,812 --> 00:50:02,928 Your girlfriend? 560 00:50:03,012 --> 00:50:05,526 A friend. And, yes, she is a girl. 561 00:50:05,612 --> 00:50:07,409 Are you supposed to marry her? 562 00:50:07,492 --> 00:50:11,087 The subject has come up, but nothing serious. 563 00:50:11,172 --> 00:50:14,209 Maybe if you got married, you'd stop being such an asshole. 564 00:50:19,372 --> 00:50:22,409 - Cigar? - No, thanks. 565 00:50:22,492 --> 00:50:24,847 - Let me know if you change your mind. - I will. 566 00:50:26,332 --> 00:50:28,721 I'll get it nice and juicy for you. 567 00:50:37,172 --> 00:50:41,927 This is where you separate the men from the boys. 568 00:50:43,852 --> 00:50:45,285 Easy. Easy. 569 00:50:45,372 --> 00:50:49,206 There you go. Yeah, I got you now. 570 00:50:59,932 --> 00:51:02,207 Happy birthday! 571 00:51:04,932 --> 00:51:07,526 I hope you're hungry. 572 00:51:07,612 --> 00:51:11,161 You should see the toast. I couldn't get it through the door. 573 00:51:19,812 --> 00:51:23,691 Announcement here. There's going to be a delay on the clown. 574 00:51:23,772 --> 00:51:26,969 - What clown? - Miles' mom hired a clown. 575 00:51:42,332 --> 00:51:44,004 You don't like clowns? 576 00:51:44,092 --> 00:51:46,811 Yeah, about five years ago. Now they're so boring... 577 00:51:46,892 --> 00:51:49,406 they make me puke. 578 00:51:49,492 --> 00:51:54,361 The vest, the flower. Screw them. That's all they get. 579 00:51:56,772 --> 00:51:59,684 I'm Pooter the Clown. Put it there. 580 00:52:02,212 --> 00:52:03,565 Kids will love that. 581 00:52:03,652 --> 00:52:05,927 I didn't order you. My sister-in-law did. 582 00:52:06,012 --> 00:52:08,207 She's not here. I'm the uncle. 583 00:52:08,292 --> 00:52:11,762 - Buck Russell's the name. - I'm sorry I'm late. 584 00:52:11,852 --> 00:52:15,083 I was at this all-night bachelorette party. 585 00:52:15,172 --> 00:52:17,003 Need any dildo jokes? 586 00:52:17,092 --> 00:52:18,969 I'm the guy! 587 00:52:22,652 --> 00:52:24,882 Did you have a few drinks this morning? 588 00:52:26,052 --> 00:52:27,565 I think you did, didn't you? 589 00:52:27,652 --> 00:52:31,122 Are you Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff? 590 00:52:31,212 --> 00:52:35,330 No, but I wouldn't be drinking if I was gonna entertain some kids. 591 00:52:35,412 --> 00:52:38,961 I don't have to take any shit from you. You know who I am? 592 00:52:39,052 --> 00:52:42,965 In the field of local, live home entertainment, I'm a god! 593 00:52:44,612 --> 00:52:48,127 Get in your mouse and get out of here. 594 00:52:48,212 --> 00:52:50,772 Let me tell you something, you lowlife... 595 00:52:50,852 --> 00:52:53,525 lying, four-flushing sack of shit. 596 00:53:15,972 --> 00:53:18,566 Let's go out to the car. 597 00:53:20,412 --> 00:53:22,721 Why? 598 00:53:23,772 --> 00:53:25,888 What do you mean "why"? 599 00:53:30,332 --> 00:53:32,402 Not now. 600 00:53:32,492 --> 00:53:33,845 It's fine. 601 00:53:35,892 --> 00:53:38,122 It's not fine. 602 00:53:38,212 --> 00:53:39,611 Why not? 603 00:53:41,052 --> 00:53:43,043 I don't feel right yet. 604 00:53:44,812 --> 00:53:47,007 You ever going to feel right? 605 00:53:52,252 --> 00:53:54,083 I don't get where we're going. 606 00:53:54,172 --> 00:53:56,891 I told you 25 times. We're going to pick up Tia. 607 00:53:56,972 --> 00:54:00,647 - She's eating at a cheerleader's house. - So she says. 608 00:54:00,732 --> 00:54:04,122 Since when do cheerleaders live in the woods? 609 00:54:07,252 --> 00:54:09,083 I'll take you home. 610 00:54:11,172 --> 00:54:13,527 I don't want to go home. 611 00:54:17,172 --> 00:54:18,924 I'm okay. 612 00:54:19,012 --> 00:54:20,365 Sure? 613 00:54:24,812 --> 00:54:26,211 Trust me. 614 00:54:37,692 --> 00:54:39,045 Shit! 615 00:54:55,012 --> 00:54:57,367 Well, well, well. 616 00:54:57,452 --> 00:55:01,001 They are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days. 617 00:55:02,292 --> 00:55:04,328 What are you doing here? 618 00:55:04,412 --> 00:55:08,405 We were going out for ice cream. Thought you might like to join us. 619 00:55:08,492 --> 00:55:12,326 I said I'd be home at 10:00. It's not even 9:00. 620 00:55:15,292 --> 00:55:19,331 Who said anything about that? I thought you'd like to join us for ice cream. 621 00:55:19,412 --> 00:55:23,405 Maybe your "Bug" here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. 622 00:55:23,492 --> 00:55:26,643 - Do you know what a hatchet is, Bug? - It's an ax? 623 00:55:26,732 --> 00:55:28,768 Sort of, yeah. 624 00:55:28,852 --> 00:55:31,127 I got one in the car if you'd like to see it. 625 00:55:32,332 --> 00:55:34,607 - I'll pass. - Fair enough. 626 00:55:34,692 --> 00:55:39,607 I like to carry it. You never know when you're going to need it. 627 00:55:39,692 --> 00:55:42,490 A situation may come up. 628 00:55:42,572 --> 00:55:45,040 For example, someone's been drinking... 629 00:55:45,132 --> 00:55:47,600 and about to drive a loved one home. 630 00:55:47,692 --> 00:55:49,808 Then I like to know I have it. 631 00:55:49,892 --> 00:55:53,521 Not to kill, no. Just to maim. 632 00:55:53,612 --> 00:55:56,285 Take a little off the shoulder. 633 00:55:57,252 --> 00:55:59,288 The elbow. Shave a little meat... 634 00:55:59,372 --> 00:56:01,488 off the old kneecap. 635 00:56:02,892 --> 00:56:04,848 You got both kneecaps? 636 00:56:04,932 --> 00:56:10,325 I like to keep mine razor-sharp. Sharp enough to shave with them. 637 00:56:10,412 --> 00:56:12,880 I've been known to circumcise a gnat. 638 00:56:12,972 --> 00:56:15,247 You're not a gnat, are you, Bug? 639 00:56:15,332 --> 00:56:17,209 Wait a minute. 640 00:56:17,292 --> 00:56:19,169 Bug. Gnat. 641 00:56:20,812 --> 00:56:23,087 Is there a similarity there? 642 00:56:24,852 --> 00:56:27,320 Whoa, I think there is. 643 00:56:29,612 --> 00:56:31,807 You understand what I'm talking about? 644 00:56:33,292 --> 00:56:38,002 I don't think you do. I'll be right back. 645 00:56:44,452 --> 00:56:46,568 I'm sorry. 646 00:56:46,652 --> 00:56:48,608 I think you'd better split. 647 00:56:48,692 --> 00:56:50,967 I don't want him going berserk with an ax on me. 648 00:56:51,052 --> 00:56:52,405 He's all talk. 649 00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:55,086 Here it is! 650 00:56:55,172 --> 00:56:58,721 Come on over! I want to show it to you. 651 00:57:00,132 --> 00:57:01,485 Maybe later. 652 00:57:09,292 --> 00:57:13,524 He's gone in a few days. Just relax. 653 00:57:14,972 --> 00:57:17,008 I'll get him back. 654 00:57:30,572 --> 00:57:33,882 That's a stupid thing to do during flu season. 655 00:57:33,972 --> 00:57:36,281 I bet she's getting the tongue. 656 00:58:36,132 --> 00:58:37,485 Just looking. 657 00:59:53,532 --> 00:59:54,567 Next. 658 00:59:57,292 --> 01:00:00,250 Let me go in first. I'll cover for you. 659 01:00:00,332 --> 01:00:04,245 Give you more time to relax. All right? 660 01:00:11,252 --> 01:00:12,890 Morning. 661 01:00:19,972 --> 01:00:21,883 I'm Anita Hoargarth. 662 01:00:21,972 --> 01:00:25,965 Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart. 663 01:00:28,772 --> 01:00:32,811 Not her wart. I'm the wart. 664 01:00:32,892 --> 01:00:36,726 She's my tumor, my growth, my pimple. 665 01:00:36,812 --> 01:00:38,689 I'm "Uncle Wart." 666 01:00:38,772 --> 01:00:40,888 Just old Buck "Wart" Russell, they call me. 667 01:00:40,972 --> 01:00:44,282 Or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. 668 01:00:44,372 --> 01:00:46,522 "Melanoma Head's" coming. 669 01:00:46,612 --> 01:00:50,844 I'm sor... Uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle. I'm her uncle. 670 01:00:51,972 --> 01:00:54,770 Her mother set up this conference with you. 671 01:00:54,852 --> 01:00:57,366 I'm assistant principal here... 672 01:00:57,452 --> 01:01:01,491 as you've probably noticed from the indications on the door. 673 01:01:04,692 --> 01:01:06,683 - This door? - The outer door! 674 01:01:06,772 --> 01:01:09,411 The outer door. 'Cause there's nothing on this one. 675 01:01:09,492 --> 01:01:11,369 That's about enough of that. 676 01:01:13,012 --> 01:01:14,604 Sorry. 677 01:01:15,852 --> 01:01:21,210 I've been an educator for 31.3 years... 678 01:01:21,292 --> 01:01:24,602 and in that time, I've seen a lot of bad eggs. 679 01:01:24,692 --> 01:01:28,002 I say "eggs" because at the elementary level... 680 01:01:28,092 --> 01:01:31,084 we are not dealing with fully-developed individuals. 681 01:01:34,532 --> 01:01:39,481 I see a bad egg when I look at your niece. 682 01:01:39,572 --> 01:01:42,484 She is a twiddler, a dreamer... 683 01:01:42,572 --> 01:01:45,882 a silly heart and she is a jabberbox. 684 01:01:45,972 --> 01:01:48,042 And, frankly... 685 01:01:48,132 --> 01:01:50,692 I don't think she takes a thing... 686 01:01:50,772 --> 01:01:55,482 in her life or her career as a student seriously. 687 01:01:57,292 --> 01:01:58,964 She's only six. 688 01:01:59,052 --> 01:02:04,126 That is not a valid excuse! I hear that every day and I dismiss it. 689 01:02:04,212 --> 01:02:07,966 I don't want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer or a silly heart. 690 01:02:08,052 --> 01:02:12,170 I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. 691 01:02:12,252 --> 01:02:15,881 I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. 692 01:02:17,252 --> 01:02:21,643 Does anyone have a special story to tell about something that happened? 693 01:02:23,532 --> 01:02:25,488 My uncle was microwaving my socks... 694 01:02:25,572 --> 01:02:28,405 and the dog threw up on the couch for about an hour. 695 01:02:28,492 --> 01:02:31,848 Honest? Why was your uncle microwaving your socks? 696 01:02:31,932 --> 01:02:34,924 He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work. 697 01:02:35,012 --> 01:02:36,650 Blasphemer! 698 01:02:36,732 --> 01:02:39,326 I know a good kid when I see one. 699 01:02:39,412 --> 01:02:41,368 Because they're all good kids... 700 01:02:41,452 --> 01:02:44,250 until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you... 701 01:02:44,332 --> 01:02:46,721 drag them down and convince them they're no good. 702 01:02:46,812 --> 01:02:50,487 You so much as scowl at my niece or any other kid in this school... 703 01:02:50,572 --> 01:02:53,245 and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you. 704 01:02:55,652 --> 01:02:59,201 Take this quarter. Go downtown... 705 01:02:59,292 --> 01:03:01,681 and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face. 706 01:03:03,052 --> 01:03:05,282 Good day to you, madam. 707 01:03:12,372 --> 01:03:13,600 Next. 708 01:03:13,692 --> 01:03:15,842 Ah, yeah! 709 01:03:34,572 --> 01:03:37,291 Hi, Chanice. This is Terry. 710 01:03:37,372 --> 01:03:39,761 Walt Bern... 711 01:03:39,852 --> 01:03:44,209 Would you get with the program? Bernstein is his name. 712 01:03:44,292 --> 01:03:46,522 I forgot to give you the number. Don't get mad. 713 01:03:46,612 --> 01:03:49,524 I hope somebody knows what they're doing down there. 714 01:03:49,612 --> 01:03:51,921 Chanice? Buck. 715 01:03:53,612 --> 01:03:55,762 I hate these machines. 716 01:03:55,852 --> 01:03:59,208 I'm just calling to say I miss you. 717 01:04:00,572 --> 01:04:03,325 I know you probably don't believe it, but it's true. 718 01:04:03,412 --> 01:04:05,323 No, I haven't been drinking. 719 01:04:05,412 --> 01:04:07,562 I've been thinking a lot about you... 720 01:04:07,652 --> 01:04:09,483 and what we've talked about the past weeks. 721 01:04:09,572 --> 01:04:11,290 I think about you all the time... 722 01:04:11,372 --> 01:04:14,808 and about those two dimples on your buns. 723 01:04:14,892 --> 01:04:16,405 Dimples. 724 01:04:16,492 --> 01:04:18,528 What did we call them? 725 01:04:18,612 --> 01:04:21,888 The right was Lyndon and the left was Johnson. 726 01:04:21,972 --> 01:04:23,883 No, that was your boobs. 727 01:04:23,972 --> 01:04:27,203 No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey. I remember that because of Disney World. 728 01:04:27,292 --> 01:04:29,408 And Felix is what we called your... 729 01:04:30,812 --> 01:04:33,610 Goddamn kids! 730 01:04:33,692 --> 01:04:36,331 Okay, come on, you, get in the house. 731 01:04:36,412 --> 01:04:39,131 What are you doing out here making all this noise? 732 01:04:39,212 --> 01:04:41,601 Get in the house where you belong. Come on! 733 01:04:44,372 --> 01:04:48,001 - Who let the cat out? - We don't have a cat. 734 01:04:48,092 --> 01:04:50,208 Come on, get out. 735 01:04:50,292 --> 01:04:52,169 Go on, shoo! Shoo! 736 01:05:01,532 --> 01:05:03,443 Open up. 737 01:05:10,292 --> 01:05:11,281 Hello? 738 01:05:11,372 --> 01:05:14,728 Hi. May I speak to Buck Russell? This is a friend of his. 739 01:05:14,812 --> 01:05:16,325 Chanice Kobolowski. 740 01:05:18,412 --> 01:05:22,485 I'm sorry, Chanice. He's not here right now. 741 01:05:24,012 --> 01:05:27,049 - Can you tell me when he'll be back? - He went out with Marcie. 742 01:05:27,132 --> 01:05:29,851 The lady who lives across the street. 743 01:05:29,932 --> 01:05:31,968 They usually stay out pretty late. 744 01:05:36,252 --> 01:05:38,083 Do you want to leave a message? 745 01:05:44,692 --> 01:05:46,603 No, there's no message. 746 01:06:04,812 --> 01:06:06,643 No message. 747 01:06:30,812 --> 01:06:32,165 Hot! 748 01:06:44,972 --> 01:06:50,126 - Is there a big sexy guy in here? - Please don't let it be true. 749 01:06:52,652 --> 01:06:56,327 Oh, my God! What are you doing? 750 01:06:56,412 --> 01:06:58,642 The laundry. What's it look like? 751 01:06:58,732 --> 01:07:02,202 Washing machine's still broken so I thought I'd use the microwave. 752 01:07:02,292 --> 01:07:04,965 Nuke them up. Heats them up pretty good. 753 01:07:05,052 --> 01:07:07,361 It kills the germs and odors that they cause. 754 01:07:07,452 --> 01:07:09,283 You don't know what you're doing. 755 01:07:09,372 --> 01:07:12,728 You're bored out of your mind. You need adult supervision. 756 01:07:13,772 --> 01:07:15,046 Excuse me? 757 01:07:29,372 --> 01:07:32,762 - Come on. - I don't want to dance. 758 01:07:32,852 --> 01:07:35,969 I don't feel like it. I'm not a dancer. This is ridiculous. 759 01:07:36,052 --> 01:07:38,088 I'm not gonna leave unless you do. 760 01:07:38,172 --> 01:07:40,640 Okay. One dance. That's it. 761 01:07:40,732 --> 01:07:43,690 I really have to take a nap and... 762 01:07:43,772 --> 01:07:46,206 One dance. That's it. 763 01:07:55,292 --> 01:07:56,691 What's this? 764 01:07:58,972 --> 01:08:01,930 Come on. The dog is watching. What are you doing? 765 01:08:02,012 --> 01:08:04,401 Is that dirty dancing? 766 01:08:05,452 --> 01:08:08,205 Isn't that where you get the girl by the neck and dip her? 767 01:08:09,452 --> 01:08:10,680 Remember that? 768 01:08:10,772 --> 01:08:12,364 Dips. Dips. 769 01:08:21,692 --> 01:08:23,922 Am I bleeding? 770 01:08:25,172 --> 01:08:27,925 Will you get off? My back! 771 01:08:33,452 --> 01:08:35,522 Hello! 772 01:08:39,452 --> 01:08:41,329 I mean it. 773 01:08:43,452 --> 01:08:47,604 This is fun, isn't it? I guess. 774 01:08:47,692 --> 01:08:51,685 My aerobic workout today. Heart's beating like a rabbit here. 775 01:09:13,332 --> 01:09:14,685 Hi, Chanice. 776 01:09:15,772 --> 01:09:17,171 Surprise! 777 01:09:18,972 --> 01:09:21,122 - This is... - Marcie. 778 01:09:24,732 --> 01:09:28,122 Yeah, Marcie. And she lives across the road. 779 01:09:28,212 --> 01:09:31,010 - She came over to... - Shut up, Buck. 780 01:09:31,092 --> 01:09:33,128 That's a good idea. 781 01:09:34,892 --> 01:09:37,008 Is this who you were out with last night? 782 01:09:40,332 --> 01:09:43,642 What? I didn't go out last night. 783 01:09:45,652 --> 01:09:48,007 Honest! Honest! I'm telling you the truth. 784 01:09:48,092 --> 01:09:51,368 - You son of a bitch! - Don't say that. 785 01:09:51,452 --> 01:09:53,807 Don't walk away. Chanice! 786 01:09:54,812 --> 01:09:56,325 Come here! 787 01:09:56,412 --> 01:09:58,243 Come here, hon. 788 01:10:01,052 --> 01:10:02,087 Wait! 789 01:10:02,172 --> 01:10:04,163 Wait. Let me explain. 790 01:10:05,212 --> 01:10:07,965 Chanice, I'm warning you. You're wrecking the driveway. 791 01:10:10,612 --> 01:10:12,648 Come on! 792 01:10:12,732 --> 01:10:14,370 I love you! 793 01:10:31,612 --> 01:10:33,330 What flew up her nose? 794 01:10:39,652 --> 01:10:42,883 You better go home. Okay, Marcie? 795 01:10:42,972 --> 01:10:45,850 Pick up your records. The party's over. 796 01:10:55,492 --> 01:10:59,451 So, I'll just go home and wait for the Federal Express man. 797 01:11:07,932 --> 01:11:10,844 Good night, Uncle Buck. 798 01:11:10,932 --> 01:11:12,763 Good night, sweetheart. 799 01:11:21,772 --> 01:11:24,411 - Uncle Buck? - Yeah? 800 01:11:24,492 --> 01:11:28,167 - Got a minute? - I got lots of minutes. 801 01:11:28,252 --> 01:11:32,131 Now everything's okay with my grandpa, I want to go out tomorrow night. 802 01:11:32,212 --> 01:11:35,568 You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out. 803 01:11:41,932 --> 01:11:46,084 - You can't find any way to be cool? - You mean easy? No. 804 01:11:46,172 --> 01:11:48,402 - I mean decent! - You mean blind. 805 01:11:48,492 --> 01:11:52,644 Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? 806 01:11:52,732 --> 01:11:55,007 How many times have they had you here since we moved? 807 01:11:55,092 --> 01:11:58,368 Try none, until they went up shit creek and got stuck. 808 01:11:58,452 --> 01:12:01,125 Get used on your parents' time. 809 01:12:02,772 --> 01:12:04,649 Yeah? 810 01:12:04,732 --> 01:12:07,007 Have a bad day today? 811 01:12:09,692 --> 01:12:12,684 It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it? 812 01:12:30,612 --> 01:12:32,091 Last call. 813 01:12:36,292 --> 01:12:38,328 There you go. 814 01:12:40,972 --> 01:12:42,963 A little for you, a little for me. 815 01:12:48,572 --> 01:12:50,085 Boy! 816 01:12:52,092 --> 01:12:56,882 People used to say to me, "Buck, you are one lucky son of a bitch. 817 01:12:59,132 --> 01:13:01,441 You got it made, Buck." 818 01:13:01,532 --> 01:13:03,523 And I did. 819 01:13:03,612 --> 01:13:05,807 They'd say, "Man, look at you. 820 01:13:05,892 --> 01:13:07,848 You don't have any kids, any wife. 821 01:13:07,932 --> 01:13:11,322 You don't have a desk, an office. 822 01:13:11,412 --> 01:13:14,609 You don't have a boss to worry about." 823 01:13:17,852 --> 01:13:21,128 They were right. I had it made. 824 01:13:26,452 --> 01:13:29,683 Only thing now is, Perce... 825 01:13:30,732 --> 01:13:33,246 nobody says that anymore. 826 01:13:37,452 --> 01:13:39,363 Oh, boy. 827 01:13:39,452 --> 01:13:41,408 But... 828 01:13:41,492 --> 01:13:43,767 it'll all be better tomorrow. 829 01:13:46,172 --> 01:13:48,049 It always is. 830 01:13:50,412 --> 01:13:53,927 Because tomorrow, we go to the track... 831 01:13:54,012 --> 01:13:57,607 win some dough, some serious dough. 832 01:14:01,532 --> 01:14:04,251 Make a lot of money tomorrow, kiddo. 833 01:14:04,332 --> 01:14:06,766 Want a little pretzel with your beer? 834 01:14:12,692 --> 01:14:14,808 U.B. Went to school to pick you up. 835 01:14:14,892 --> 01:14:17,645 Tell U.B. When he gets home that he lost. Okay? 836 01:14:17,732 --> 01:14:19,324 Lost what? 837 01:14:19,412 --> 01:14:22,768 Just tell him. He'll know what it means. I'll see you guys Sunday. 838 01:14:22,852 --> 01:14:25,730 - What day is today? - Friday. 839 01:14:25,812 --> 01:14:28,451 - You know what that means. - Jumbo party. 840 01:14:28,532 --> 01:14:31,569 You can put that on a platter and serve it up hot. 841 01:15:29,332 --> 01:15:30,811 U.B.'s home. 842 01:15:30,892 --> 01:15:32,962 Tia? Tia! 843 01:15:33,052 --> 01:15:34,883 You guys seen Tia? 844 01:15:34,972 --> 01:15:36,530 She took a breeze. 845 01:15:39,732 --> 01:15:43,441 And she promised me she was going to look after you guys this evening. 846 01:15:43,532 --> 01:15:46,524 She promised me! So much for promises. 847 01:15:46,612 --> 01:15:49,445 Does anyone in this house know how to keep a promise? 848 01:15:49,532 --> 01:15:52,000 I know you two do. 849 01:15:52,092 --> 01:15:55,243 I had somewhere important to go tonight. 850 01:15:55,332 --> 01:15:57,482 This is how I make my living. 851 01:15:57,572 --> 01:16:01,121 This was very important to me. My whole year was based on tonight. 852 01:16:01,212 --> 01:16:04,648 It may be peanuts to your dad, but it's my living. 853 01:16:04,732 --> 01:16:08,884 I have no choice. I don't care what your parents will say. 854 01:16:08,972 --> 01:16:10,928 - I have to take you with me tonight. - Where? 855 01:16:11,012 --> 01:16:13,446 To a racetrack. 856 01:16:15,892 --> 01:16:19,043 Here we go. Do you have to go to the bathroom? 857 01:16:19,132 --> 01:16:20,963 - You sure? - Yep. 858 01:16:21,052 --> 01:16:24,283 This is going to be fun. Beautiful horses, interesting people. 859 01:16:25,492 --> 01:16:28,450 - And we'll win some serious coin? - Sometimes. 860 01:16:28,532 --> 01:16:32,081 That's not the real reason people go there. People go... 861 01:16:32,172 --> 01:16:35,482 because of the beautiful horses... 862 01:16:35,572 --> 01:16:37,927 and colorful jockeys, and... 863 01:16:38,012 --> 01:16:40,480 Bug picked up Tia? 864 01:16:40,572 --> 01:16:42,642 She said she was going to a party. 865 01:16:42,732 --> 01:16:46,168 She said she'd be back Sunday. Must be a slumber party. 866 01:16:48,612 --> 01:16:51,524 Hop in the back. Get your belts on. 867 01:16:52,492 --> 01:16:56,087 Let her go to a party all weekend! She's old enough to know better. 868 01:16:57,012 --> 01:16:59,810 She doesn't listen to anybody anyway. 869 01:16:59,892 --> 01:17:01,291 Damn kids. 870 01:17:42,932 --> 01:17:44,604 Yeah? Kobolowski Tires. 871 01:17:45,372 --> 01:17:46,930 Hi. It's me. 872 01:17:47,012 --> 01:17:49,651 Can't you ever take a hint? 873 01:17:49,732 --> 01:17:53,168 It's not about me. I got a problem at the house. 874 01:17:53,252 --> 01:17:55,402 I need somebody to watch the kids. 875 01:17:55,492 --> 01:17:57,323 No, I'll tell you what you need. 876 01:17:57,412 --> 01:17:59,972 Your horse fixer's in town and you need to get to the track. 877 01:18:00,052 --> 01:18:02,122 I ran into Rog. He told me all about it. 878 01:18:02,212 --> 01:18:05,170 The idiot had the nerve to ask me for a loan. 879 01:18:05,252 --> 01:18:08,608 What, you can't take children when you're going to cheat on a horse race? 880 01:18:08,692 --> 01:18:10,842 You got some religion out there in the 'burbs? 881 01:18:10,932 --> 01:18:14,049 I came close. I had them in the car. 882 01:18:14,132 --> 01:18:17,249 Can we put our personal problems aside? 883 01:18:17,332 --> 01:18:20,449 Tia took off on me. I was supposed to pick her up after school. 884 01:18:20,532 --> 01:18:22,443 - She wasn't there. - She ran away? 885 01:18:22,532 --> 01:18:25,729 I guess. I don't know. 886 01:18:25,812 --> 01:18:28,121 She's 15. She's angry. 887 01:18:28,212 --> 01:18:31,727 She's confused. And I need to find her. 888 01:18:32,732 --> 01:18:35,041 Can you help me? 889 01:18:35,892 --> 01:18:38,042 I'm really stuck. 890 01:18:41,012 --> 01:18:45,608 All right. I will help you because there's kids involved. 891 01:18:45,692 --> 01:18:47,762 But as far as you and I are concerned... 892 01:18:47,852 --> 01:18:49,683 it is over. 893 01:18:50,692 --> 01:18:52,523 However it has to be. 894 01:18:54,452 --> 01:18:56,363 - I'll be there. - Thank you. 895 01:18:56,452 --> 01:18:58,568 For what it's worth, I'm sorry. 896 01:19:19,252 --> 01:19:21,083 Your car's on fire. 897 01:19:21,172 --> 01:19:23,288 No. It's just a little oil. 898 01:19:23,372 --> 01:19:25,966 I'm looking for a party somewhere around here. 899 01:19:26,052 --> 01:19:27,883 That's on Totowa Lane. 900 01:19:27,972 --> 01:19:29,803 My niece is there. 901 01:19:29,892 --> 01:19:31,962 - Our son is there. - Kids! 902 01:19:32,052 --> 01:19:35,169 I don't think you ought to go in there with that hat on. They'll kill you. 903 01:19:35,252 --> 01:19:37,243 Really? Thanks for the tip. 904 01:20:21,172 --> 01:20:25,404 I'm supposed to come over and watch you. 905 01:20:28,052 --> 01:20:32,728 Hi. I'm Chanice Kobolowski. I'm Uncle Buck's friend. 906 01:20:32,812 --> 01:20:34,530 May I see your driver's license? 907 01:20:35,732 --> 01:20:37,324 Yeah. 908 01:20:37,412 --> 01:20:40,609 Sure. Good idea. 909 01:20:41,812 --> 01:20:44,201 Wait. I got it. 910 01:20:45,772 --> 01:20:47,649 See. Look. 911 01:20:47,732 --> 01:20:50,485 - Please take it out. - Take it out? 912 01:21:13,452 --> 01:21:15,522 You okay? 913 01:21:15,612 --> 01:21:17,842 What's the matter? 914 01:21:40,932 --> 01:21:43,446 Coming through. How you doing? 915 01:21:44,572 --> 01:21:46,483 Having a good time? 916 01:21:46,572 --> 01:21:49,166 Have you seen a guy named Bug? 917 01:21:50,292 --> 01:21:53,045 I'm Tia Russell's uncle. You know Tia? 918 01:21:53,132 --> 01:21:57,045 No? She's kind of new. I'm her uncle. 919 01:21:57,132 --> 01:22:00,761 You haven't seen the Bug around here, have you? 920 01:22:00,852 --> 01:22:02,843 Nice guy. 921 01:22:02,932 --> 01:22:05,492 Hey, come back here with that! 922 01:22:11,452 --> 01:22:15,331 How you doing? Anybody seen Bug around here? 923 01:22:15,412 --> 01:22:18,290 Hey, nice music. 924 01:22:18,372 --> 01:22:21,887 Who is that, the Grass Roots? I'm kidding. I know my music. 925 01:22:27,692 --> 01:22:30,206 Stop it, please. 926 01:22:32,652 --> 01:22:36,611 What the hell is that? Hey, party time! 927 01:22:36,692 --> 01:22:40,446 Let's get down here! You seen Bug around here? 928 01:22:40,532 --> 01:22:43,604 You seen Bug? That's good stuff. 929 01:22:45,132 --> 01:22:47,168 Keep it up. 930 01:22:47,252 --> 01:22:49,322 Nice work. 931 01:22:49,412 --> 01:22:52,210 How you doing? Excuse me. 932 01:22:52,292 --> 01:22:53,884 Crowded, huh? 933 01:22:57,252 --> 01:22:59,607 I don't want to do this. 934 01:22:59,692 --> 01:23:01,603 Just relax. 935 01:23:03,412 --> 01:23:07,121 Hello, young fellow. I'm Tia Russell's uncle, Buck Russell. 936 01:23:07,212 --> 01:23:10,682 Have you seen the Bug around? No? I'm looking for him. 937 01:23:10,772 --> 01:23:13,969 You're Tia Russell's uncle? Really? 938 01:23:14,052 --> 01:23:16,327 Hey, give me that! 939 01:23:16,412 --> 01:23:18,926 Take my hat, you punk! 940 01:23:19,012 --> 01:23:21,128 - Don't mention it. - All right, Pop. 941 01:23:23,372 --> 01:23:27,650 You haven't seen a guy named Bug, have you? Everybody knows Bug. Hip guy. 942 01:23:27,732 --> 01:23:31,247 Let me through, will you? Your mother know you do that? 943 01:23:34,612 --> 01:23:36,762 This room's taken. 944 01:23:36,852 --> 01:23:38,843 - I want to go. - No, you don't. 945 01:23:42,292 --> 01:23:45,728 That door opens, I'm going to kick somebody's ass! 946 01:23:46,692 --> 01:23:48,569 Did you hear me? 947 01:25:54,652 --> 01:25:56,529 You were right. 948 01:25:57,972 --> 01:26:00,725 Everything you said would happen happened. 949 01:26:02,372 --> 01:26:05,125 I don't want to talk about it. I just want to get you home. 950 01:26:38,972 --> 01:26:40,849 Is this a trick? 951 01:26:45,452 --> 01:26:47,329 No. 952 01:26:50,292 --> 01:26:52,283 You know what happened? 953 01:26:54,692 --> 01:26:56,045 Yeah. 954 01:26:59,172 --> 01:27:02,164 Are you going to tell my parents about everything that's been going on? 955 01:27:04,692 --> 01:27:06,922 No. 956 01:27:08,692 --> 01:27:10,523 Thanks. 957 01:27:13,492 --> 01:27:17,770 I've been riding your butt all week about how you live your life. 958 01:27:19,852 --> 01:27:23,288 I realized maybe somebody should have been riding mine. 959 01:27:23,372 --> 01:27:26,682 I'm probably the last guy in the world you'd want to help... 960 01:27:29,492 --> 01:27:32,006 but I really could use your advice vis-à-vis Chanice. 961 01:27:33,652 --> 01:27:35,244 I've been... 962 01:27:35,332 --> 01:27:39,928 stringing her along for about eight years now. 963 01:27:40,012 --> 01:27:43,129 Maybe you could figure out what the hell is wrong with me. 964 01:27:44,532 --> 01:27:46,921 I did such a great job earning your trust and admiration... 965 01:27:47,012 --> 01:27:50,084 I'm confused why I can't do the same with Chanice. 966 01:27:59,092 --> 01:28:01,447 You know, there's... 967 01:28:03,412 --> 01:28:06,484 one family charity case... 968 01:28:07,812 --> 01:28:10,121 that loves you very much. 969 01:28:11,492 --> 01:28:12,686 I'm sorry. 970 01:28:14,212 --> 01:28:16,203 Come on. 971 01:28:16,292 --> 01:28:18,931 Nothing to be sorry about. 972 01:28:19,012 --> 01:28:22,561 I'm just kind of glad I got a chance to know you again. 973 01:28:26,532 --> 01:28:29,330 Did you do anything to Bug? 974 01:28:35,772 --> 01:28:37,524 Oh, my God! 975 01:28:38,572 --> 01:28:40,802 What did you do? 976 01:28:50,612 --> 01:28:53,570 You shithead! I could have suffocated! 977 01:28:53,652 --> 01:28:56,610 Do you know what I'd like you to do? 978 01:28:56,692 --> 01:29:00,765 You could be doing both of us a favor. I'd like you to apologize to the lady. 979 01:29:00,852 --> 01:29:03,082 I'm sorry! 980 01:29:04,532 --> 01:29:06,204 Okay, asshole? 981 01:29:06,292 --> 01:29:07,930 I'm sorry! 982 01:29:08,012 --> 01:29:11,641 I don't know if I've told you this, but I'm an amateur dentist. 983 01:29:12,252 --> 01:29:14,641 Oh, yes, he is. 984 01:29:22,132 --> 01:29:23,360 I'm sorry. 985 01:29:24,212 --> 01:29:25,725 Get him out. 986 01:29:25,812 --> 01:29:28,884 Yeah? It was halfhearted. We'll let him. 987 01:29:28,972 --> 01:29:31,964 - I'm really sorry. - I'm sure you are. 988 01:29:32,052 --> 01:29:34,964 - I am. - Let me get you. There you go. 989 01:29:35,052 --> 01:29:37,964 I didn't mean to hurt anybody. 990 01:29:38,052 --> 01:29:39,485 There you go. 991 01:29:39,572 --> 01:29:41,244 I'm sorry. 992 01:29:48,332 --> 01:29:50,243 - Shall we? - Yeah. 993 01:29:56,572 --> 01:29:59,769 Yeah? Come on back and I'll kick your ass, man! 994 01:29:59,852 --> 01:30:03,162 Chicken shit! You're dead! 995 01:30:03,252 --> 01:30:04,890 Shit. 996 01:30:10,332 --> 01:30:12,607 I'm going to sue your balls off, man! 997 01:30:12,692 --> 01:30:16,526 Why don't you come and get me, man? Come on! 998 01:30:17,532 --> 01:30:21,889 Come on, man. I'm going to sue you and your whole family! 999 01:30:21,972 --> 01:30:25,248 Okay, pal, time for a golf lesson. 1000 01:30:25,332 --> 01:30:27,562 My dad's a lawyer! You're history! 1001 01:30:27,652 --> 01:30:30,530 A little five wood. 1002 01:30:32,372 --> 01:30:35,603 What? What? What are you doing, man? 1003 01:30:38,812 --> 01:30:42,009 You're history. You're wasted. I'm going to sue you for everything you've got! 1004 01:30:42,092 --> 01:30:44,765 You're going to be broke so come and get me! 1005 01:30:46,292 --> 01:30:48,522 You fat sucker! 1006 01:30:48,612 --> 01:30:49,761 Yes, sir! 1007 01:30:50,932 --> 01:30:53,730 You son of a bitch! That hurt! 1008 01:30:53,812 --> 01:30:57,441 Hey! I'm not sorry, all right? 1009 01:30:57,532 --> 01:30:59,966 I ain't sorry for shit! 1010 01:31:02,772 --> 01:31:05,969 What do you see in that guy anyway? 1011 01:31:06,052 --> 01:31:08,646 I can't for the life of me figure that one out. 1012 01:31:08,732 --> 01:31:11,849 Don't answer. You don't have to. 1013 01:31:14,572 --> 01:31:17,644 I appreciate the confession. Thanks a lot. 1014 01:31:17,732 --> 01:31:19,802 But my problems with Buck go deeper... 1015 01:31:19,892 --> 01:31:22,042 than a misunderstanding with a neighbor lady. 1016 01:31:22,132 --> 01:31:23,963 Don't you think he loves you? 1017 01:31:25,972 --> 01:31:27,883 If he does, he'd never say it. 1018 01:31:27,972 --> 01:31:29,644 What if he did? 1019 01:31:29,732 --> 01:31:32,166 Then I would suspect he needed a new set of tires. 1020 01:31:33,372 --> 01:31:34,725 Seriously. 1021 01:31:34,812 --> 01:31:38,009 Seriously, you're very sweet to talk about this. 1022 01:31:39,332 --> 01:31:41,402 But you don't understand the bigger picture. 1023 01:31:41,492 --> 01:31:44,165 Buck's a charming man who wants to remain a boy forever. 1024 01:31:46,612 --> 01:31:50,651 At my age, that doesn't make for a lasting relationship. 1025 01:31:52,492 --> 01:31:55,290 I think he'd make a wonderful husband and father. 1026 01:31:55,372 --> 01:31:57,090 - You do? - Oh, yeah. 1027 01:31:57,172 --> 01:31:58,810 My sister and brother adore him. 1028 01:32:00,252 --> 01:32:05,042 He really has changed since he's been here this week. 1029 01:32:05,132 --> 01:32:07,487 He really has changed. 1030 01:32:07,572 --> 01:32:10,769 He's responsible, caring... 1031 01:32:10,852 --> 01:32:12,922 Ioving... 1032 01:32:13,012 --> 01:32:16,766 and enthusiastic. 1033 01:32:16,852 --> 01:32:21,642 - Energetic. - And energetic and decent. 1034 01:32:23,572 --> 01:32:25,051 Kind and... 1035 01:32:27,172 --> 01:32:29,083 And humble... 1036 01:32:29,172 --> 01:32:31,242 and honest and forthright. 1037 01:32:31,332 --> 01:32:32,606 Sense of humor. 1038 01:32:32,692 --> 01:32:34,648 And he's really got a great sense of humor. 1039 01:32:34,732 --> 01:32:37,405 Did he put you up to this? 1040 01:32:37,492 --> 01:32:39,244 No! 1041 01:32:39,332 --> 01:32:43,041 No. I've just gathered this from my own observations. 1042 01:32:45,452 --> 01:32:47,363 - It's just the way he is. - Really? 1043 01:32:55,012 --> 01:32:57,890 - Really? - Oh, yeah! 1044 01:32:57,972 --> 01:33:00,566 So unlike him. 1045 01:33:14,892 --> 01:33:16,848 Check this out. 1046 01:33:21,812 --> 01:33:23,564 Hi, honey. 1047 01:33:23,652 --> 01:33:25,882 Is the coffee ready? 1048 01:33:26,932 --> 01:33:28,763 A little thirsty. 1049 01:33:28,852 --> 01:33:32,083 By the way, I have told you I loved you... 1050 01:33:32,172 --> 01:33:34,925 and it wasn't for tires, sweetheart. 1051 01:33:35,012 --> 01:33:37,048 It was for shocks, remember? 1052 01:33:42,052 --> 01:33:44,202 Are they sweethearts or what? 1053 01:33:44,292 --> 01:33:47,841 This one's smart as a whip. I'm going to miss them like crazy. 1054 01:33:47,932 --> 01:33:50,765 They're beautiful children. What happened to you? 1055 01:33:50,852 --> 01:33:53,412 Recessive gene, skips every nine generations. 1056 01:33:53,492 --> 01:33:56,006 I got it this time. Tragic. 1057 01:33:56,092 --> 01:33:58,208 It isn't so bad, is it? 1058 01:33:58,292 --> 01:33:59,645 What? 1059 01:33:59,732 --> 01:34:01,563 The house, the family, the kids. 1060 01:34:01,652 --> 01:34:04,724 Oh, yeah. It was great. This is great. 1061 01:34:04,812 --> 01:34:08,851 We should have done this a long time ago, you and I. 1062 01:34:22,372 --> 01:34:24,249 They're here. 1063 01:34:29,612 --> 01:34:32,922 What are we doing? 1064 01:34:33,012 --> 01:34:34,684 Your mother... 1065 01:34:34,772 --> 01:34:36,922 and your sister have to... 1066 01:34:37,012 --> 01:34:40,084 sort some things out. 1067 01:34:40,172 --> 01:34:42,163 So we're going to be very quiet for them. 1068 01:34:42,252 --> 01:34:44,720 So why don't we put a button on it... 1069 01:34:48,052 --> 01:34:50,043 and a zipper like that... 1070 01:34:50,132 --> 01:34:52,362 and a lock. 1071 01:34:52,452 --> 01:34:55,888 I can't talk at all. I throw the key away. 1072 01:35:48,052 --> 01:35:52,364 It's going to be real different. I promise. 1073 01:35:52,452 --> 01:35:54,841 I love you. 1074 01:36:06,292 --> 01:36:07,486 Shit! 1075 01:36:07,572 --> 01:36:10,848 - Bye. - Bye, Uncle Buck. 1076 01:36:10,932 --> 01:36:13,241 Could I get out the door, please? 1077 01:36:13,332 --> 01:36:15,288 - I'm going! - This is heavy. 1078 01:36:15,372 --> 01:36:18,011 Bye, Chanice. 1079 01:36:18,092 --> 01:36:19,605 Thanks again, Buck. 1080 01:36:19,692 --> 01:36:23,480 Next time you're downtown, maybe we can go out for a coffee. 1081 01:36:27,852 --> 01:36:30,844 We really had a good time. I know it's ridiculous. 1082 01:36:30,932 --> 01:36:34,129 We did leave the house a little messy. We tried. We're not so good at clean. 1083 01:36:34,212 --> 01:36:37,090 - What? - We're going home. We're not dying. 1084 01:36:37,172 --> 01:36:40,369 I'm saying good-bye. Is that all right? Nice guy! 1085 01:36:40,452 --> 01:36:44,331 Tell the neighbors we're sorry about having that parked in the driveway. 1086 01:36:44,412 --> 01:36:47,449 - He's getting a new company car Monday. - The hell I am! 1087 01:36:47,532 --> 01:36:50,649 - It's good for another 100,000 miles. - Too bad you're not. 1088 01:36:50,732 --> 01:36:54,361 That's funny, Chanice. See what I put up with? And don't drive fast. 1089 01:36:54,452 --> 01:36:57,649 I'm not fixing any more tickets for you.