1
00:00:51,028 --> 00:00:56,600
* God bless America again

2
00:00:58,936 --> 00:01:04,575
* You must know
the trouble that she's in *

3
00:01:06,444 --> 00:01:09,413
* Wash her pretty face

4
00:01:10,514 --> 00:01:13,351
* Dry her eyes and then

5
00:01:14,485 --> 00:01:20,224
* God bless America again

6
00:01:22,993 --> 00:01:24,695
* You know

7
00:01:24,795 --> 00:01:28,166
* I wish God
would bless America again *

8
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,569
* Like he did way back there

9
00:01:31,669 --> 00:01:33,604
* When it all began

10
00:01:33,704 --> 00:01:35,273
* He blessed her then

11
00:01:35,373 --> 00:01:37,875
* But we sort of
took it for granted *

12
00:01:37,975 --> 00:01:39,810
* And didn't ask again

13
00:01:39,910 --> 00:01:43,080
* So let's just kinda
hold her hand now *

14
00:01:43,181 --> 00:01:44,782
* That's all

15
00:01:44,882 --> 00:01:47,385
* In case she stumbles

16
00:01:48,619 --> 00:01:51,489
* Let's don't let her fall *

17
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:54,825
MALE TV HOST:
Let's go live to
TV 10's Kelly Breen.

18
00:01:54,925 --> 00:01:57,328
KELLY: It's a big day
in Niagara Falls, New York,

19
00:01:57,428 --> 00:01:58,796
where the presidential
motorcade

20
00:01:58,896 --> 00:02:01,232
will pass by
in a few moments.

21
00:02:01,332 --> 00:02:04,202
The turnout is pretty much
nonexistent,

22
00:02:04,268 --> 00:02:06,036
which is rather surprising.

23
00:02:06,204 --> 00:02:10,007
This is the first time
a president has been
here since 1901,

24
00:02:10,107 --> 00:02:13,076
when William McKinley
stopped by and was shot.

25
00:02:13,211 --> 00:02:18,549
* God bless America again

26
00:02:20,884 --> 00:02:26,590
* You must know
the trouble that she's in *

27
00:02:28,926 --> 00:02:32,730
* Wash her pretty face

28
00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:35,699
* Dry her eyes and then

29
00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:42,240
* God bless America again

30
00:02:45,075 --> 00:02:49,247
* I don't understand
everything I read and hear *

31
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,516
* About what's wrong
with America *

32
00:02:52,616 --> 00:02:54,952
* When you don't have
a lot of book learning *

33
00:02:55,052 --> 00:02:58,422
* There's many things
you don't understand *

34
00:02:59,357 --> 00:03:01,359
* But I know this much

35
00:03:01,459 --> 00:03:03,894
* She's like a mother to me

36
00:03:03,994 --> 00:03:06,330
* I love her
with all my heart *

37
00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:10,133
* And let me tell you this,
Mister *

38
00:03:10,268 --> 00:03:14,272
* Everything I am
or ever hope to be *

39
00:03:14,305 --> 00:03:16,073
* I owe to her *

40
00:03:16,173 --> 00:03:18,409
KELLY: Topping the President's
agenda today will be a speech

41
00:03:18,509 --> 00:03:20,911
at the recently closed
Hacker Defense Plant.

42
00:03:21,011 --> 00:03:24,114
Hacker was closed,
10,000 employees laid off

43
00:03:24,282 --> 00:03:25,616
due to the end
of the Cold War,

44
00:03:25,716 --> 00:03:27,285
which rendered useless

45
00:03:27,318 --> 00:03:29,387
the military supplies
they produced there.

46
00:03:29,487 --> 00:03:31,021
The public
is being encouraged

47
00:03:31,121 --> 00:03:33,023
to not only and listen
to the President's speech,

48
00:03:33,123 --> 00:03:35,626
but also
pick up on a bargain.

49
00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,861
There are some good deals
left on items

50
00:03:37,961 --> 00:03:40,998
ranging from missiles
to light armament.

51
00:03:41,098 --> 00:03:45,035
One of those laid-off
employees this morning
had quite an altercation.

52
00:03:45,135 --> 00:03:49,840
This ex-Hacker employee
is trying to deface
the image of R.J. Hacker,

53
00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:51,542
the chairman
of that company.

54
00:03:51,642 --> 00:03:53,611
He got away before
he could be apprehended.

55
00:03:55,679 --> 00:04:01,519
* God bless America again

56
00:04:03,454 --> 00:04:09,327
* You must know
the trouble that she's in *

57
00:04:11,429 --> 00:04:15,098
* Wash her pretty face

58
00:04:15,198 --> 00:04:18,369
* Dry her eyes and then

59
00:04:19,437 --> 00:04:24,542
* God bless America again

60
00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:32,483
* Oh, please
God bless America again **

61
00:04:34,985 --> 00:04:36,053
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

62
00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:42,826
(LAUGHING)

63
00:04:53,471 --> 00:04:54,505
Shit!

64
00:05:13,290 --> 00:05:16,727
(APPROACHING SIRENS)

65
00:05:24,101 --> 00:05:27,605
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

66
00:05:32,410 --> 00:05:33,611
KELLY:
Meanwhile, in other news,

67
00:05:33,711 --> 00:05:35,513
due to
the record number
of laid-off workers

68
00:05:35,613 --> 00:05:38,015
jumping to their death
in Niagara Falls,

69
00:05:38,115 --> 00:05:40,851
the City Council has just
approved an incentive program.

70
00:05:40,951 --> 00:05:44,988
Sheriff's deputies who talk
someone out of jumping
will be getting $25.

71
00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:48,125
If they go in
to retrieve the body,
they'll be getting $50.

72
00:05:48,225 --> 00:05:51,429
Jump!
Jump! Jump!

73
00:05:53,330 --> 00:05:54,932
What'll this one make?

74
00:05:55,032 --> 00:05:56,133
Uh...

75
00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:57,768
The third one today.

76
00:05:58,969 --> 00:06:00,771
Uh, ninth this week.

77
00:06:00,871 --> 00:06:03,040
Man,
are we racking
up the grief bonus!

78
00:06:07,010 --> 00:06:10,080
450 bucks, and the
week's not over yet.

79
00:06:10,180 --> 00:06:11,281
Stick with me, Honey.

80
00:06:11,449 --> 00:06:13,083
Things keep going
like this,

81
00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:15,052
we'll make what we
used to make at Hacker.

82
00:06:15,152 --> 00:06:16,454
You know it.

83
00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,460
What's this guy
doing up there?

84
00:06:26,129 --> 00:06:27,531
(GRUNTING)

85
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,234
It's a free country.

86
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:34,638
He doesn't like it here,
he can swim to Canada.

87
00:06:35,706 --> 00:06:37,274
A lot of work there.

88
00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:39,009
Shut up and
look at this.

89
00:06:42,112 --> 00:06:44,782
Hey, isn't that...
It's our good friend,
Roy Boy.

90
00:06:45,315 --> 00:06:46,517
Jump!

91
00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:48,552
No, no! He's wearing
my good hat!

92
00:06:48,652 --> 00:06:51,054
Let's help him out.
Great.

93
00:06:51,154 --> 00:06:54,992
Don't jump, Roy Boy,
don't jump!
Help is on the way!

94
00:06:59,730 --> 00:07:00,664
(GUN FIRING)

95
00:07:01,832 --> 00:07:03,100
Huh?

96
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,902
Nice shootin'!

97
00:07:05,002 --> 00:07:06,570
All right!

98
00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:07,805
Who did this?

99
00:07:09,072 --> 00:07:10,774
Medic.

100
00:07:10,874 --> 00:07:12,976
That was a beautiful thing
you just did, Honey.

101
00:07:13,811 --> 00:07:15,012
God, I love you.

102
00:07:16,747 --> 00:07:17,848
Just kidding.

103
00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,686
I was kidding.

104
00:07:28,025 --> 00:07:29,927
ROY BOY:
Let me get
this straight.

105
00:07:30,027 --> 00:07:32,062
You shot me

106
00:07:32,162 --> 00:07:35,165
because I didn't
want to go on living?

107
00:07:35,265 --> 00:07:36,567
Yeah.
You want me
to finish the job?

108
00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:39,537
Relax, Honey. Roy Boy,
would you please pipe down?

109
00:07:39,603 --> 00:07:44,274
I was trying to make
a statement about
our plight.

110
00:07:44,374 --> 00:07:47,277
At least
the plight of those
whose uncle ain't the mayor.

111
00:07:47,377 --> 00:07:49,112
Don't you mention my
Uncle Jack.

112
00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:51,114
You're thinking nepotism.

113
00:07:51,214 --> 00:07:53,851
I took that test and
passed it fair and square.

114
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:56,887
What about handing her a job?
I'm your buddy.

115
00:07:56,987 --> 00:07:58,689
Don't you mention Honey
like that.

116
00:07:59,590 --> 00:08:01,124
Look, you guys,

117
00:08:01,224 --> 00:08:06,063
my life
has been complete hell
since Hacker laid me off.

118
00:08:06,163 --> 00:08:07,364
We know how you feel.

119
00:08:07,464 --> 00:08:09,733
We all feel
the same way.

120
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:11,602
We've all made
big changes in our life

121
00:08:11,702 --> 00:08:13,103
since the plant
closed down.

122
00:08:13,203 --> 00:08:14,371
That's right.

123
00:08:14,471 --> 00:08:17,775
If life
hands you a lemon,
crush it into lemonade.

124
00:08:17,875 --> 00:08:19,577
That's
positive thinking.

125
00:08:19,677 --> 00:08:21,712
Come on, smile.

126
00:08:21,812 --> 00:08:25,616
* Just what makes
that little ol' ant *

127
00:08:25,716 --> 00:08:29,052
* Think he'd move
that rubber tree plant *

128
00:08:29,152 --> 00:08:31,622
BOTH:
* Everyone knows an ant

129
00:08:31,722 --> 00:08:32,690
* Can't

130
00:08:32,790 --> 00:08:35,492
* Move a rubber tree plant

131
00:08:35,593 --> 00:08:36,359
* 'Cause he's got
Roy Boy, sing!

132
00:08:36,459 --> 00:08:38,161
ALL: * High hopes

133
00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:39,663
* He's got

134
00:08:39,763 --> 00:08:41,665
* High hopes

135
00:08:41,765 --> 00:08:43,701
* He's got

136
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:48,038
* High-apple-pie-
in-the-sky hopes *

137
00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:51,008
* So any time
you're feelin' low *

138
00:08:51,108 --> 00:08:52,610
* Instead of lettin' go

139
00:08:52,676 --> 00:08:56,680
* Just remember that ant

140
00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:58,916
* Woops, there goes
another rubber tree *

141
00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:02,185
* Woops, there goes
another rubber tree *

142
00:09:02,285 --> 00:09:05,889
* Woops, there goes
another rubber tree plant *

143
00:09:05,989 --> 00:09:07,625
* Ker-plop! *

144
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,035
President here yet,
Riley?

145
00:09:18,135 --> 00:09:19,169
Officer Riley.

146
00:09:19,269 --> 00:09:20,638
Oh, sure. Sorry.

147
00:09:20,704 --> 00:09:23,641
You fellas need
any backup here,
Officer Riley?

148
00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:24,775
I don't think so,
Sheriff.

149
00:09:24,875 --> 00:09:26,276
Okay.

150
00:09:26,376 --> 00:09:28,646
You finding
a lot of roadkill
this year, Sheriff?

151
00:09:31,982 --> 00:09:33,016
We get to keep what we find.

152
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,121
Forgive me.
Where are my manners?

153
00:09:38,221 --> 00:09:40,557
This is my woman deputy,
Honey.

154
00:09:40,658 --> 00:09:43,260
Honey's been a real asset
since she got her parole.

155
00:09:47,197 --> 00:09:48,398
Next, I have an unused,

156
00:09:48,498 --> 00:09:50,000
air-delivered,
chemical weapon.

157
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,870
Guaranteed death
within three minutes.

158
00:09:52,970 --> 00:09:55,005
What do I hear for this
miracle of modern science?

159
00:09:55,105 --> 00:09:56,940
Do I hear...

160
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,375
Spread 'em, or I'll
blow your brains out.

161
00:09:59,910 --> 00:10:01,311
Where the hell
you guys been?

162
00:10:01,411 --> 00:10:03,513
Pulling stiffs
out of the Falls.

163
00:10:03,613 --> 00:10:06,149
You promised
I could pull the
stiffs out this time.

164
00:10:06,249 --> 00:10:08,418
I need the money.

165
00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:12,956
We never got the $50.
We stopped Roy Boy
from jumping off.

166
00:10:14,557 --> 00:10:16,226
What? You're jumping off
the Falls now?

167
00:10:16,326 --> 00:10:17,627
I was making
a statement.

168
00:10:17,728 --> 00:10:19,429
Stop with the
statement thing.

169
00:10:19,529 --> 00:10:20,998
Get us a beer.

170
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:22,199
I do love
an auction.

171
00:10:23,867 --> 00:10:27,170
What do I hear for this
beautiful, wire-guided,

172
00:10:27,270 --> 00:10:29,006
uranium-tipped
fire-and-forget thing?

173
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:32,109
Who'll give me $1,000?
1,000, 1,000, 1,000?

174
00:10:32,209 --> 00:10:33,310
$500, then.

175
00:10:33,410 --> 00:10:35,045
Have $500 anyone?

176
00:10:35,145 --> 00:10:36,446
$500, my ass.

177
00:10:36,546 --> 00:10:38,315
Come on,
ladies and gentlemen.

178
00:10:38,415 --> 00:10:42,986
Built right here
in Niagara Falls.
You can own one.

179
00:10:43,086 --> 00:10:44,121
You built it.
You can own it now.

180
00:10:44,221 --> 00:10:48,158
300, 300, 300, 4.
400, 400, 400, 400, 5.

181
00:10:48,258 --> 00:10:50,728
Can we get out of here?

182
00:10:50,828 --> 00:10:53,196
All these
guns and white people
are making me nervous.

183
00:10:53,296 --> 00:10:55,298
Ease off with that
"white people" stuff.

184
00:10:55,398 --> 00:10:56,166
You got me
looking at 'em funny.

185
00:10:58,201 --> 00:10:59,870
I've got 25, 26, 25, 26.

186
00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:02,339
Sold! $25.

187
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,843
All right.
Here you go.

188
00:11:05,943 --> 00:11:07,344
AUCTIONEER:
Next, we have...

189
00:11:07,444 --> 00:11:09,780
(SIRENS WAILING)

190
00:11:14,617 --> 00:11:15,753
Pardon me.

191
00:11:15,819 --> 00:11:17,855
Out of the way.
Let me by.

192
00:11:17,955 --> 00:11:20,490
Anyone!
Could I have
$100, please?

193
00:11:20,590 --> 00:11:22,059
Give me
that microphone.

194
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:24,762
I reckon
all of you know me.

195
00:11:24,828 --> 00:11:28,065
I'm R.J. Hacker,
and I own Hacker Dynamics

196
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:30,167
and Hacker Aerospace,

197
00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:31,234
Time-Hacker,

198
00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:32,770
Hacker-Upjohn,

199
00:11:32,870 --> 00:11:36,774
and a bunch of others
I don't even remember,
and you don't care.

200
00:11:36,807 --> 00:11:39,642
You're upset because
I closed this plant

201
00:11:39,777 --> 00:11:41,511
and put you
out on the street.

202
00:11:41,611 --> 00:11:44,882
Well, I want you to know
I'm upset, too.

203
00:11:44,982 --> 00:11:48,118
In fact, I get choked up
thinking about it.

204
00:11:49,052 --> 00:11:50,053
(SIRENS WAILING)

205
00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:05,402
ALL: Boo! Boo!

206
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:11,809
Shit.

207
00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:15,512
Pill-popping freaks.
Look at this trash.

208
00:12:15,612 --> 00:12:17,114
Just garbage.
Human garbage.

209
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:19,649
Look. That's what
we get for kicking butt

210
00:12:19,817 --> 00:12:21,852
in every goddamn
corner of the world.

211
00:12:21,952 --> 00:12:25,856
Why do we have to be
here at these closings?

212
00:12:25,956 --> 00:12:28,325
General, we're here
to show the people
that we care.

213
00:12:28,425 --> 00:12:31,829
Let's put on
a happy face,
shall we?

214
00:12:31,895 --> 00:12:34,832
Used to be that you
had your Russian reds,

215
00:12:34,898 --> 00:12:37,100
your Cuban red,
Hollywood red.

216
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,236
Here a red,
there a red,
everywhere a red red.

217
00:12:39,336 --> 00:12:41,872
E-I-E-I-O.

218
00:12:41,972 --> 00:12:44,107
But it kept us on our toes.

219
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:47,444
We didn't know
who to mistrust,

220
00:12:47,544 --> 00:12:49,412
but we had
to defend ourselves.

221
00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:52,682
You had good jobs
to put meat on the table.

222
00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:56,086
But today we find ourselves
being destroyed

223
00:12:56,186 --> 00:12:57,687
not by the reds,

224
00:12:57,855 --> 00:13:00,157
but by a bunch
of shortsighted,

225
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:01,859
bleeding-heart,

226
00:13:01,959 --> 00:13:04,127
penny-pinching
Washington wimps.

227
00:13:04,227 --> 00:13:05,528
Who is this guy?

228
00:13:05,628 --> 00:13:07,430
R.J. Hacker, sir.

229
00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:08,665
How about some credit?

230
00:13:08,765 --> 00:13:12,002
I'm the only president who
hasn't gotten us into a war.

231
00:13:12,102 --> 00:13:13,770
I think that's his point, sir.

232
00:13:13,871 --> 00:13:15,338
You have yet to send
our boys into battle.

233
00:13:15,438 --> 00:13:17,440
Where?
Nobody's bothering us.

234
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:19,877
Send them anywhere,
sir.

235
00:13:19,977 --> 00:13:22,245
Guaranteed 30-point
boost in the polls.

236
00:13:22,345 --> 00:13:23,914
Well,
I'm not going
to start a war

237
00:13:24,014 --> 00:13:26,950
just to increase
my popularity.

238
00:13:29,452 --> 00:13:31,054
What can I do
for 20 points?

239
00:13:31,154 --> 00:13:33,190
HACKER: ...makes me
want to commit acts
I cannot utter in public.

240
00:13:34,257 --> 00:13:36,293
Here he is now.

241
00:13:36,393 --> 00:13:39,096
The man that
a thin majority of you

242
00:13:39,196 --> 00:13:42,665
chose to be President
of the United States.

243
00:13:42,765 --> 00:13:45,368
(BAND PLAYS HAIL TO THE CHIEF)

244
00:13:51,708 --> 00:13:53,911
(AUDIENCE SILENT)

245
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,148
Stu.

246
00:13:58,248 --> 00:14:00,417
Little hard
on the leader

247
00:14:00,517 --> 00:14:02,219
of the free world,
don't you think?

248
00:14:02,319 --> 00:14:05,455
It's just
what he deserved.

249
00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:08,325
This peace ain't all
it's cracked up to be.

250
00:14:08,425 --> 00:14:12,195
Especially if we keep
laying off thousands
of voters.

251
00:14:12,295 --> 00:14:14,965
What would you suggest
we do to keep these
factories open?

252
00:14:16,666 --> 00:14:18,936
Should I call up
the Russians,

253
00:14:19,036 --> 00:14:22,005
see if they want
to get back into it?

254
00:14:22,105 --> 00:14:26,176
Don't you get
sarcastic with me,
you little pissant!

255
00:14:26,276 --> 00:14:28,311
You just had an idea
that I liked!

256
00:14:28,411 --> 00:14:30,147
I want you
to follow up on it.

257
00:14:30,247 --> 00:14:34,751
See to it that those
Russkies get back in
the Cold War mode.

258
00:14:34,851 --> 00:14:38,956
If you don't, you'll go
right back where I found you.

259
00:14:39,022 --> 00:14:41,124
Now, don't make decisions.
Just do it.

260
00:14:41,224 --> 00:14:43,826
PRESIDENT:
I want to thank you
for that great welcome.

261
00:14:43,961 --> 00:14:48,131
You provided the power
to win the Cold War

262
00:14:48,231 --> 00:14:50,100
for the United States
of America.

263
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:54,071
If we could take what
we spent on just one
day of the Cold War,

264
00:14:54,171 --> 00:14:57,507
we could put our children
through school for the year.

265
00:14:57,607 --> 00:15:01,111
Now's our chance to do it.

266
00:15:01,211 --> 00:15:05,048
Time to turn off that
war machine and turn
on our children.

267
00:15:08,851 --> 00:15:10,020
Turn...
Turn on our children.

268
00:15:11,121 --> 00:15:12,622
The time has come,
fortunately,

269
00:15:12,722 --> 00:15:15,993
for us to
beat our swords
into plowshares.

270
00:15:16,026 --> 00:15:18,161
Excuse me.
Do you work here?

271
00:15:18,261 --> 00:15:19,496
You work here?

272
00:15:19,596 --> 00:15:22,632
I want
to get a copy
of the speech.

273
00:15:22,732 --> 00:15:24,534
A transcript
or something?

274
00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:25,668
And you are...

275
00:15:25,768 --> 00:15:26,803
Oh, I'm sorry.

276
00:15:26,903 --> 00:15:29,506
Sheriff Bud Boomer,
Niagara County.

277
00:15:29,606 --> 00:15:31,574
And your handle is?

278
00:15:31,674 --> 00:15:32,909
What?
Your name? Your name.

279
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:37,180
Stuart Smiley,
the president's
National Security Advisor.

280
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,016
(WHISTLES)

281
00:15:39,049 --> 00:15:41,084
Stu, you're just the
guy we wanted to see.

282
00:15:41,184 --> 00:15:45,022
Can you give us a deal
at our sheriff's department?

283
00:15:45,088 --> 00:15:47,257
We're looking for...
What do you call them?

284
00:15:47,357 --> 00:15:51,394
The M-16
40-millimeter
grenade launchers.

285
00:15:51,494 --> 00:15:53,363
Flash,
fragmentation,

286
00:15:53,463 --> 00:15:57,200
incendiary illumination,
and smoke.

287
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,435
To go, please.

288
00:15:58,535 --> 00:15:59,802
Are we putting on a play?

289
00:15:59,902 --> 00:16:01,371
It's for civil
disturbances only.

290
00:16:01,471 --> 00:16:03,106
"How many times

291
00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:07,344
"must the cannonballs fly"

292
00:16:09,179 --> 00:16:10,547
WOMAN: You tell us.

293
00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:11,714
"Before they're forever
banned?"

294
00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:14,384
MAN: Ugh.

295
00:16:14,484 --> 00:16:15,252
"The answer, my friend,

296
00:16:16,086 --> 00:16:18,421
"is blowin' in the wind.

297
00:16:21,591 --> 00:16:23,193
"The answer, my friend..."

298
00:16:23,293 --> 00:16:24,661
(GUN FIRING)

299
00:16:27,597 --> 00:16:30,533
Okay. I'm in command here.
Stay calm.

300
00:16:30,633 --> 00:16:32,535
Get off me!

301
00:16:32,635 --> 00:16:33,803
MAN: The sheriff has
the eagle covered.

302
00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:35,605
It's an honor to meet you.

303
00:16:35,705 --> 00:16:38,475
I'm sorry I didn't
vote for you.
I had to stay home.

304
00:16:38,575 --> 00:16:40,543
The cable installers
said they'd come...

305
00:16:40,643 --> 00:16:43,546
Get off me.
Pardon?

306
00:16:43,646 --> 00:16:44,847
Get off me!

307
00:16:44,947 --> 00:16:46,116
I'm sorry. Sure.

308
00:16:47,850 --> 00:16:49,086
Oh, God.

309
00:16:54,857 --> 00:16:58,095
Good thing for you
the President liked me.

310
00:16:58,195 --> 00:16:59,762
Otherwise, you'd
be in big trouble.

311
00:16:59,862 --> 00:17:02,932
Right.
You must be really
important, Boomer.

312
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,634
You see
Cops last night?

313
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,002
I wouldn't miss it.

314
00:17:06,103 --> 00:17:07,737
They kept
the camera running

315
00:17:07,837 --> 00:17:10,006
while they were
waling away on
those guys.

316
00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:12,742
Whack, whack,
whack, whack!

317
00:17:12,842 --> 00:17:16,413
Oh, it was awesome!
Ooh!

318
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:17,880
You think we're ever
gonna be on Cops?

319
00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:19,482
Damn right we will.

320
00:17:19,582 --> 00:17:22,952
Wait'll they see me
throwing myself on
that grenade.

321
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:24,887
You threw the President
on the grenade.

322
00:17:24,987 --> 00:17:26,723
Well, whatever.

323
00:17:26,823 --> 00:17:27,890
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

324
00:17:27,990 --> 00:17:29,326
STU:
Morning, Mr. President.

325
00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:30,760
GENERAL:
Morning, sir.

326
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:33,330
I have the results
from the overnight
tracking.

327
00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:34,831
Care to hear the damage?

328
00:17:35,832 --> 00:17:36,899
Yeah. I can take it.

329
00:17:36,999 --> 00:17:38,135
It's good news, sir.

330
00:17:38,235 --> 00:17:40,237
Immediately after
the assassination
attempt,

331
00:17:40,337 --> 00:17:42,872
we got a 15-point boost
in the national polls.

332
00:17:42,972 --> 00:17:44,641
Okay.

333
00:17:44,741 --> 00:17:47,244
They dropped off
considerably

334
00:17:47,344 --> 00:17:49,379
once word got out
that you were still alive.

335
00:17:49,479 --> 00:17:53,150
But the initial massive
gains the Dow Jones made

336
00:17:53,183 --> 00:17:55,385
after the assassination
bulletin

337
00:17:55,485 --> 00:17:57,587
held for the entire
business day.

338
00:17:57,687 --> 00:17:58,955
That's good news.

339
00:17:59,055 --> 00:18:01,158
GENERAL:
According to this,
rumors that you were

340
00:18:01,191 --> 00:18:04,261
clinically dead
for five minutes,
and returned to life

341
00:18:04,361 --> 00:18:06,563
boosted your rating
with the religious right.

342
00:18:06,663 --> 00:18:07,830
That's good.

343
00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:12,369
But the voters felt that
your being alive or dead

344
00:18:12,469 --> 00:18:14,171
had no real bearing
on their daily lives.

345
00:18:14,271 --> 00:18:16,239
You can take that
a couple of ways.

346
00:18:16,339 --> 00:18:18,708
With all due respect,
sir,

347
00:18:18,808 --> 00:18:20,643
enjoy your single term.

348
00:18:21,644 --> 00:18:23,613
You know, it's not fair.

349
00:18:23,713 --> 00:18:25,782
Every other president
had the Russians to
blame for everything.

350
00:18:27,684 --> 00:18:29,252
What have I got?

351
00:18:29,352 --> 00:18:33,356
It is really
too bad that the Russians
are no longer in the game.

352
00:18:33,456 --> 00:18:36,426
They weren't much fun
anyway.
Never got to kill any.

353
00:18:36,526 --> 00:18:39,529
But without them,
you and your friends

354
00:18:39,629 --> 00:18:40,963
would've had
to get real jobs.

355
00:18:41,063 --> 00:18:43,200
That isn't funny,
Stu. Stu's got a point.

356
00:18:43,266 --> 00:18:44,201
What point, sir?

357
00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:45,702
You got a point, too.

358
00:18:45,802 --> 00:18:48,705
My point
is that Russia
is in such shambles,

359
00:18:48,805 --> 00:18:52,041
they couldn't
sissy-slap us
if they tried.

360
00:18:52,209 --> 00:18:54,844
Well, they still have
all those missiles
lying around.

361
00:18:54,944 --> 00:18:55,978
20,473, to be exact.

362
00:18:56,078 --> 00:18:57,680
Are you kidding?

363
00:18:57,780 --> 00:18:59,282
One of their breakaway
republics, Kazakhstan,

364
00:18:59,382 --> 00:19:03,220
is the third-ranking
nuclear power in the world.

365
00:19:03,253 --> 00:19:04,454
Are you kidding?

366
00:19:04,554 --> 00:19:07,890
Most Americans don't know
where Kazakhstan is.

367
00:19:07,990 --> 00:19:09,492
My travel agent
can't find it.

368
00:19:09,592 --> 00:19:10,793
I can imagine why.

369
00:19:10,893 --> 00:19:13,230
What do you want
to do about Russia?

370
00:19:13,263 --> 00:19:16,766
Let's find out
who's in charge
over there this week.

371
00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:17,967
STU: Vladimir Krushkin.

372
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,969
Vlad. I like him.
That's good.

373
00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:23,573
Let's ask him to come over.
We can have a summit thing.

374
00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:26,876
Maybe we can work
something out like before.

375
00:19:26,976 --> 00:19:30,480
That's an excellent idea.
Super idea, sir.

376
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:31,948
We got
a contingency plan.

377
00:19:32,048 --> 00:19:33,383
Good.
We'll bring it right in.

378
00:19:33,483 --> 00:19:34,584
Good, good.

379
00:20:00,042 --> 00:20:02,279
Look at the treacherous
bastards.

380
00:20:02,379 --> 00:20:03,846
Once a commie,
always a commie.

381
00:20:03,946 --> 00:20:05,415
Pretend
you're not here.

382
00:20:05,515 --> 00:20:06,649
Shut up, peanuts.

383
00:20:06,749 --> 00:20:09,218
All right. Be nice.
This man's our only hope.

384
00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:12,822
Mr. President,
welcome to our summit.

385
00:20:12,922 --> 00:20:14,223
You look great.

386
00:20:17,193 --> 00:20:19,729
Let's eat.
Good. Right this way.

387
00:20:19,829 --> 00:20:20,663
Have a good trip?

388
00:20:20,763 --> 00:20:22,365
Wonderful.
Truly wonderful.

389
00:20:22,465 --> 00:20:23,533
Mm-hm.

390
00:20:25,935 --> 00:20:27,937
Mmm.

391
00:20:40,317 --> 00:20:41,818
Mmm.

392
00:20:44,253 --> 00:20:46,856
Mr. President,
we were wondering if, uh...

393
00:20:46,956 --> 00:20:49,125
If you and I, you know...

394
00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:51,894
If we couldn't sort
of get together and...

395
00:20:51,994 --> 00:20:54,564
You know, mano y mano,
and...

396
00:20:54,664 --> 00:20:56,566
And sort of
work something out,

397
00:20:58,868 --> 00:21:01,838
sort of mix it up
the way we used to
in the good old days.

398
00:21:03,506 --> 00:21:05,442
I don't mean a real war.

399
00:21:05,542 --> 00:21:07,744
Just a little tension.

400
00:21:07,844 --> 00:21:11,548
Sort of help people
forget about things.

401
00:21:13,916 --> 00:21:15,752
Oh, Mr. President.

402
00:21:15,852 --> 00:21:17,019
Please!

403
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:19,021
Is this why
you called us here?

404
00:21:19,121 --> 00:21:21,991
We already gave up.
You've won.

405
00:21:22,091 --> 00:21:26,363
We are too busy
trying to perfect
universal indoor plumbing.

406
00:21:26,929 --> 00:21:28,365
That's right.

407
00:21:28,465 --> 00:21:31,434
Indoor plumbing.
Maybe even a little...

408
00:21:32,168 --> 00:21:33,736
Central heating.

409
00:21:33,836 --> 00:21:36,873
A big Buick in every
garage would be nice.

410
00:21:36,973 --> 00:21:40,377
A few cellular phones,
compact discs, MTV...

411
00:21:40,477 --> 00:21:42,779
What is the name
of that other channel?

412
00:21:42,879 --> 00:21:44,714
VH-1.
Yes! VH-1!

413
00:21:45,982 --> 00:21:48,385
I'm so sorry,
Mr. President.

414
00:21:48,418 --> 00:21:50,953
We can't go back
to the old days.

415
00:21:51,053 --> 00:21:52,922
Please try
and understand.

416
00:21:53,022 --> 00:21:53,956
Good day.

417
00:21:55,224 --> 00:21:56,426
It's a trick,
Mr. President.

418
00:21:56,526 --> 00:21:57,627
Damn right.

419
00:21:57,727 --> 00:21:59,596
Can't we talk this over?

420
00:21:59,696 --> 00:22:01,398
What is there
to talk over?

421
00:22:01,431 --> 00:22:02,965
You're in charge
of the world now.

422
00:22:03,065 --> 00:22:04,401
Don't be a sore winner.

423
00:22:04,501 --> 00:22:07,303
I'm sure we
could discuss this
like civilized men.

424
00:22:07,404 --> 00:22:09,138
Civilized men?

425
00:22:09,238 --> 00:22:13,676
Is that
what we've both been
for the last 50 years?

426
00:22:13,776 --> 00:22:17,814
Just a holy
goddamn minute,
your comradeship!

427
00:22:17,914 --> 00:22:19,716
You don't go
throwing your
weight around

428
00:22:19,816 --> 00:22:21,851
for half a century,
threatening the peaceful,

429
00:22:21,951 --> 00:22:25,321
freedom-loving western world,
and decide one day

430
00:22:25,422 --> 00:22:27,724
you don't want to
tug the rope no more.

431
00:22:27,824 --> 00:22:28,991
Do you?

432
00:22:29,091 --> 00:22:30,627
PRESIDENT: Mr. President,
I'm so sorry for this.

433
00:22:30,727 --> 00:22:32,028
Sorry for this?

434
00:22:32,128 --> 00:22:35,131
You made us spend trillions
on submarines and missiles,

435
00:22:35,231 --> 00:22:37,800
and what did
all this rubbish get us?

436
00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:40,036
Bread lines
and May Day parades!

437
00:22:41,303 --> 00:22:44,874
GENERAL:
Don't chicken
out on us now!

438
00:22:44,974 --> 00:22:47,544
STU: We need you.
I need you.

439
00:22:47,644 --> 00:22:49,646
You don't always
get a second chance.

440
00:22:50,747 --> 00:22:51,781
Attaboy, Stu!

441
00:22:53,550 --> 00:22:54,617
GENERAL:
You can't do that!

442
00:22:54,717 --> 00:22:55,752
Get off him!

443
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:57,587
Get off him!

444
00:22:58,721 --> 00:22:59,856
I'm very sorry, Mr. President.

445
00:22:59,956 --> 00:23:01,057
I'm very... All right.

446
00:23:01,157 --> 00:23:03,092
Get over there.
Get over there.

447
00:23:03,192 --> 00:23:05,528
Sorry.
I'm really,
truly sorry.

448
00:23:05,628 --> 00:23:08,465
Maybe we could meet again.
How about Geneva?

449
00:23:08,531 --> 00:23:12,168
We could
meet at Geneva,
sort of neutral territory.

450
00:23:12,268 --> 00:23:14,170
Goodbye, Mr. President.

451
00:23:15,037 --> 00:23:16,105
And good luck.

452
00:23:20,810 --> 00:23:22,111
Any more
bright ideas?

453
00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:26,583
What are we going to
do for an enemy now?

454
00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:28,485
GENERAL: Dead.

455
00:23:31,253 --> 00:23:32,489
Dead.

456
00:23:34,524 --> 00:23:35,558
Dead.

457
00:23:37,794 --> 00:23:38,861
Dead.

458
00:23:38,961 --> 00:23:39,929
I miss anything?

459
00:23:40,029 --> 00:23:40,963
Nothing.

460
00:23:42,899 --> 00:23:44,501
Also dead.

461
00:23:44,567 --> 00:23:45,535
They're all dead.

462
00:23:45,635 --> 00:23:47,236
You working
from an old list?

463
00:23:47,336 --> 00:23:49,639
They're what
we're looking for.

464
00:23:50,540 --> 00:23:52,942
This guy,
he's still alive.

465
00:23:53,042 --> 00:23:55,845
But he's down in Florida
making license plates now.

466
00:23:58,548 --> 00:23:59,849
She's reformed.

467
00:23:59,949 --> 00:24:01,751
And looking good.

468
00:24:01,851 --> 00:24:03,520
You know,
we were thinking,

469
00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:05,321
what could be
a bigger threat

470
00:24:05,421 --> 00:24:07,590
than aliens
invading from space?

471
00:24:07,690 --> 00:24:10,660
Whoo-boy!
Scare the shit
out of everyone.

472
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:11,994
Even me, sir.

473
00:24:12,094 --> 00:24:14,697
PRESIDENT: Is this
the best you could
come up with?

474
00:24:14,797 --> 00:24:17,934
What about, you know,
international terrorism?

475
00:24:18,034 --> 00:24:22,004
Sir, we're not going to
reopen missile factories
just to fight some creeps

476
00:24:22,104 --> 00:24:24,607
running around in
exploding rental cars.

477
00:24:25,341 --> 00:24:26,543
Turn on the lights.

478
00:24:28,978 --> 00:24:31,380
I'm sorry.
I'm appalled.

479
00:24:31,548 --> 00:24:35,084
I'm surprised you left those
killer bees off the list.

480
00:24:35,184 --> 00:24:36,553
How about...

481
00:24:38,254 --> 00:24:39,722
How about Canada?

482
00:24:39,822 --> 00:24:43,860
* O Canada

483
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:48,565
* Our home and native land

484
00:24:48,665 --> 00:24:52,401
* True patriot love

485
00:24:52,569 --> 00:24:56,105
* In all thy sons command...*

486
00:24:58,775 --> 00:25:00,109
That's what I hate
about coming here.

487
00:25:00,209 --> 00:25:01,911
You got to listen to
that song.

488
00:25:02,011 --> 00:25:05,582
Check out the flag.
What is that,
a weed on there?

489
00:25:05,615 --> 00:25:07,984
Give me a break!
Nice flag.

490
00:25:08,084 --> 00:25:10,286
Let's go!

491
00:25:10,386 --> 00:25:11,988
Let's go!
Drop the puck!

492
00:25:12,088 --> 00:25:13,389
Let's go!

493
00:25:13,489 --> 00:25:15,491
Come on! Face off!

494
00:25:15,592 --> 00:25:18,595
* O Canada

495
00:25:18,695 --> 00:25:23,733
* We stand on guard for thee

496
00:25:23,833 --> 00:25:25,501
ANNOUNCER: Evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

497
00:25:25,602 --> 00:25:27,003
Welcome to Hockey Night
in Canada.

498
00:25:27,103 --> 00:25:29,806
Tonight the American team
visits our Canadian champions,

499
00:25:29,906 --> 00:25:31,473
the Ontario Beavers.

500
00:25:31,608 --> 00:25:33,142
Please enjoy the game,
and remember,

501
00:25:33,242 --> 00:25:35,978
no bad language
and no littering.

502
00:25:36,078 --> 00:25:37,747
BOOMER:
Here we go!

503
00:25:41,283 --> 00:25:43,620
Hey, Kabral, how come
you never see

504
00:25:43,653 --> 00:25:45,688
any black guys
playing hockey?

505
00:25:45,788 --> 00:25:50,627
Do you think it's easy to
just gradually take over
every professional sport?

506
00:25:51,794 --> 00:25:53,262
Let me tell you
something, man,

507
00:25:53,362 --> 00:25:54,997
brothers are starting to
figure out this ice thing.

508
00:25:56,633 --> 00:25:57,233
Hope you enjoyed it.

509
00:25:59,936 --> 00:26:02,538
These Canadians ain't
got a care in the world.

510
00:26:02,639 --> 00:26:05,975
How about
the way they cheat
at the World Series?

511
00:26:06,075 --> 00:26:07,877
That's our game, people!

512
00:26:07,977 --> 00:26:09,311
KABRAL:
That is true.

513
00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:13,015
And another thing.
Their beer sucks.

514
00:26:36,105 --> 00:26:37,006
Ew!

515
00:26:38,574 --> 00:26:41,678
Oh, boy!
Look at that!

516
00:26:41,778 --> 00:26:42,945
That's footage
never seen on TV.

517
00:26:45,381 --> 00:26:47,984
Yowsah!
It's amazing.

518
00:26:49,551 --> 00:26:50,820
How did you know that
was a nuclear facility?

519
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,222
They tricked us there.
That's a hospital.

520
00:26:54,757 --> 00:26:56,292
But it's
a hell of a strike.

521
00:26:56,392 --> 00:26:59,028
We've got technology
we've never been
able to use.

522
00:26:59,128 --> 00:27:01,530
TV ANNOUNCER:
A riot between
Americans and Canadians

523
00:27:01,698 --> 00:27:06,836
broke out last night
at a hockey arena in
Niagara Falls, Ontario.

524
00:27:06,936 --> 00:27:08,137
Police estimate
at least 60 people,

525
00:27:08,237 --> 00:27:10,472
including
an American sheriff,

526
00:27:10,572 --> 00:27:13,843
were detained overnight
by Canadian authorities.

527
00:27:13,943 --> 00:27:15,712
I want to call
the American Embassy.

528
00:27:15,812 --> 00:27:18,180
All I said was,
"Canadian beer sucks."

529
00:27:20,416 --> 00:27:21,718
People!

530
00:27:21,751 --> 00:27:22,919
People!

531
00:27:24,921 --> 00:27:27,589
Can't we all
just get along?

532
00:27:27,724 --> 00:27:29,726
Boy, these Canadians
are violent.

533
00:27:37,767 --> 00:27:40,770
General,
can I use your
phone for a second?

534
00:27:40,870 --> 00:27:42,004
Sure. Go ahead.

535
00:27:46,042 --> 00:27:48,210
Yeah. Stu Smiley.
Give me Central Intelligence.

536
00:27:50,112 --> 00:27:52,048
Yeah, Canada desk?

537
00:27:52,782 --> 00:27:53,783
Timmy.

538
00:27:53,883 --> 00:27:55,117
Hi, Stu.

539
00:27:55,217 --> 00:27:56,418
What's up, Bill?

540
00:27:56,518 --> 00:27:58,420
How you doing, Stu?

541
00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,922
MAN 1: Re-route
the heroin through Cancun.

542
00:28:00,022 --> 00:28:01,157
MAN 2:
Hold on a second.

543
00:28:01,257 --> 00:28:02,759
Yeah. Oliver Stone.

544
00:28:03,559 --> 00:28:05,928
There's Gus.

545
00:28:06,028 --> 00:28:09,131
What do you say, Stu?
Long time no see, huh?

546
00:28:09,231 --> 00:28:11,467
It's like
The Plaza in here.

547
00:28:11,567 --> 00:28:15,004
They've got
me in a temporary
place here, that's all.

548
00:28:15,104 --> 00:28:18,474
I see
you're still proud
of telling Kennedy

549
00:28:18,574 --> 00:28:20,376
to send advisors
to Vietnam.

550
00:28:20,476 --> 00:28:22,011
You're damn right.

551
00:28:22,111 --> 00:28:25,982
The whole
Vietnam war was my idea.
Not ashamed of it one bit.

552
00:28:26,082 --> 00:28:28,250
If they had
followed my advice
and gone nuclear...

553
00:28:28,350 --> 00:28:30,686
I'm sure history
will vindicate you.

554
00:28:30,787 --> 00:28:33,790
Would've wiped out
the Koreans, too.

555
00:28:33,823 --> 00:28:37,493
Then we wouldn't be driving
behind them shitty little
compacts with no pickup.

556
00:28:37,593 --> 00:28:39,896
Those cars are built
in South Korea.
They're our Koreans.

557
00:28:39,996 --> 00:28:41,998
Like I care!

558
00:28:42,098 --> 00:28:44,500
What have
you got for me?
Anything, something?

559
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,803
You mean Canada.
Yeah.

560
00:28:46,903 --> 00:28:51,073
We can't talk here.
Let's go for a walk.

561
00:28:51,173 --> 00:28:53,810
There a secretary
hidden somewhere to
hold your calls for you?

562
00:28:55,677 --> 00:28:58,414
GUS: Remember the big
New York blackout?

563
00:28:58,514 --> 00:29:01,617
Caused by a Canadian
hydroelectric plant,
Niagara Falls.

564
00:29:01,717 --> 00:29:05,321
The canucks
claimed that it was
a faulty transmitter.

565
00:29:07,323 --> 00:29:09,826
We had reason
to suspect otherwise.

566
00:29:09,892 --> 00:29:11,527
Why? What do you mean?

567
00:29:11,627 --> 00:29:16,098
These Canadians suffer from
a serious inferiority complex.

568
00:29:16,198 --> 00:29:17,166
That's why
they built this.

569
00:29:17,266 --> 00:29:19,035
Canadian National Tower,

570
00:29:19,135 --> 00:29:21,737
world's tallest
freestanding structure.

571
00:29:21,838 --> 00:29:24,373
Our scientists can't
figure out its purpose.

572
00:29:24,473 --> 00:29:26,042
I'll bet
theirs can't either.

573
00:29:26,142 --> 00:29:28,577
Jesus.

574
00:29:28,677 --> 00:29:33,749
Canadians are always
dreaming up a lot of
ways to ruin our lives.

575
00:29:33,850 --> 00:29:37,920
The metric system,
for the love of God!

576
00:29:38,020 --> 00:29:38,921
Celsius!

577
00:29:39,021 --> 00:29:40,489
Neil Young?

578
00:29:40,589 --> 00:29:42,424
By God,
you're right, Gus.

579
00:29:42,524 --> 00:29:44,093
Of course!
It was crazy of us

580
00:29:44,193 --> 00:29:45,928
to have been
so blind for so long.

581
00:29:46,028 --> 00:29:48,230
We thought,
they're just Canadians.

582
00:29:48,330 --> 00:29:50,900
They're practically
the 51st state.

583
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:51,901
We admired them.

584
00:29:52,001 --> 00:29:54,536
Clean streets,
no crime, no minorities.

585
00:29:54,636 --> 00:29:56,172
How'd they do that?

586
00:29:56,272 --> 00:29:57,940
No slavery.

587
00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,075
God, they're smart.

588
00:29:59,175 --> 00:30:02,511
Their entire government
is run by socialists.

589
00:30:02,611 --> 00:30:04,346
But it's not
the real pinko stuff.

590
00:30:04,446 --> 00:30:06,849
No! That's
where you're wrong.

591
00:30:06,949 --> 00:30:08,617
They've always
had these tendencies.

592
00:30:08,717 --> 00:30:10,887
"Capitalism must be
destroyed in all forms."

593
00:30:10,987 --> 00:30:12,054
What's this?

594
00:30:12,154 --> 00:30:15,424
We haven't been
paying attention.

595
00:30:15,524 --> 00:30:18,460
We think that, oh,
they're a little strange

596
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,396
with the socialized
medicine stuff.

597
00:30:20,496 --> 00:30:24,066
But do you know
they provide free
college to anyone?

598
00:30:24,166 --> 00:30:26,869
Free trains,
free eyeglasses,

599
00:30:26,969 --> 00:30:28,337
free condoms?

600
00:30:28,437 --> 00:30:31,640
Jesus. Do your
superiors know
about this?

601
00:30:31,740 --> 00:30:34,510
Ah, those gutless
desk mammals.

602
00:30:34,610 --> 00:30:38,047
Ever since
I told them we'd finish
the Bay of Pigs by 10:00,

603
00:30:38,147 --> 00:30:40,216
they've treated me
like dirt.

604
00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:41,550
You've done
a great job here.

605
00:30:41,650 --> 00:30:44,353
I'll make sure the President
knows of your fine work.

606
00:30:44,453 --> 00:30:45,888
Like I care!

607
00:30:47,456 --> 00:30:50,059
PRESIDENT: Canada?
Did you say Canada?

608
00:30:51,627 --> 00:30:54,263
The American people,
Mr. Smiley,

609
00:30:56,465 --> 00:30:58,968
would never,
ever buy this.

610
00:30:59,068 --> 00:31:01,670
Mr. President,
the American people

611
00:31:01,770 --> 00:31:03,973
will buy
whatever we
tell them to.

612
00:31:04,506 --> 00:31:05,942
You know that.

613
00:31:06,042 --> 00:31:09,811
Aren't you overlooking
one major obstacle,

614
00:31:09,946 --> 00:31:14,183
like how to get
the average American
to hate and fear Canadians?

615
00:31:14,283 --> 00:31:15,952
Hell, they're whiter
than we are.

616
00:31:15,985 --> 00:31:18,955
Gentlemen, ladies,
allow me to clue you

617
00:31:19,021 --> 00:31:21,123
to a few
rude awakenings.

618
00:31:21,223 --> 00:31:24,961
For those that think Canada
is a mom-and-pop operation,

619
00:31:25,027 --> 00:31:27,663
it's time to wake up
and smell the snow.

620
00:31:27,763 --> 00:31:32,068
Fact: Canada's now
the second-largest
country in the world.

621
00:31:32,168 --> 00:31:36,638
Fact: Canadians freely
cross over our borders,
walking among us...

622
00:31:36,738 --> 00:31:38,174
Undetected.

623
00:31:40,542 --> 00:31:43,379
How many of you knew
that they eliminated
the Miss Canada contest?

624
00:31:43,479 --> 00:31:45,982
You're on
to something here.

625
00:31:46,015 --> 00:31:49,718
Remember
the Air Force C-130
that crashed mysteriously

626
00:31:49,818 --> 00:31:51,287
a few years ago?

627
00:31:51,387 --> 00:31:53,522
And that just
happened to occur

628
00:31:53,622 --> 00:31:55,057
over Canada,
Mr. President.

629
00:31:56,425 --> 00:31:58,494
My God.
That's shocking.

630
00:31:58,594 --> 00:32:00,896
When did they
get rid of Miss Canada?

631
00:32:00,997 --> 00:32:02,298
A year ago.

632
00:32:02,398 --> 00:32:06,102
Suppose
something like that
caught on down here.

633
00:32:06,202 --> 00:32:09,005
One week,
Mr. President.
Give me one week,

634
00:32:09,071 --> 00:32:11,773
and I'll have
Americans burning
maple leaves so fast,

635
00:32:11,873 --> 00:32:15,011
they won't have time
to think about their
smog-filled lungs,

636
00:32:15,111 --> 00:32:18,647
rising interest rates,
or their dwindling
savings accounts.

637
00:32:24,853 --> 00:32:26,288
One week, sir.

638
00:32:36,865 --> 00:32:37,866
Good evening.

639
00:32:38,034 --> 00:32:40,469
Edwin S. Simon reporting.

640
00:32:40,569 --> 00:32:43,539
NBS News has obtained
Pentagon documents

641
00:32:43,639 --> 00:32:46,042
that show our neighbor
to the north,

642
00:32:46,108 --> 00:32:48,044
the sovereign nation
of Canada,

643
00:32:48,077 --> 00:32:52,548
has embarked
on a military program
aimed at the United States.

644
00:32:52,648 --> 00:32:56,652
Canada, known for ages as
a polite and clean country,

645
00:32:56,752 --> 00:32:58,954
has, under
a socialist majority,

646
00:32:59,055 --> 00:33:01,457
undertaken a massive
military buildup

647
00:33:01,557 --> 00:33:04,260
on its border
with the United States.

648
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:05,761
I don't like Canada.

649
00:33:05,861 --> 00:33:07,796
It's freezing cold.

650
00:33:07,896 --> 00:33:10,666
Canada owns more
of the U.S..
than any other country.

651
00:33:11,733 --> 00:33:13,369
MAN: The Canadians.

652
00:33:13,469 --> 00:33:15,204
They walk among us.

653
00:33:15,304 --> 00:33:16,838
William Shatner.

654
00:33:16,938 --> 00:33:18,474
Michael J. Fox.

655
00:33:18,574 --> 00:33:20,076
Monty Hall.

656
00:33:20,109 --> 00:33:21,510
Mike Myers.

657
00:33:21,610 --> 00:33:23,412
Alex Trebek.

658
00:33:23,512 --> 00:33:25,314
All of them Canadians.

659
00:33:25,414 --> 00:33:27,083
All of them here.

660
00:33:30,786 --> 00:33:33,122
Is Canadian prime minister
Clark MacDonald

661
00:33:33,222 --> 00:33:35,157
a member of
a satanic cult?

662
00:33:35,257 --> 00:33:38,794
SIMON: Most of Canada's
vast military technology

663
00:33:38,894 --> 00:33:43,199
has been built and supplied
by the United States.

664
00:33:43,299 --> 00:33:45,834
The Canadian National Tower
in Toronto,

665
00:33:45,934 --> 00:33:48,470
erected to transmit
nuclear attack warnings

666
00:33:48,570 --> 00:33:50,839
from radar stations
in northern Canada,

667
00:33:50,939 --> 00:33:53,875
is now solely
in Canadian hands.

668
00:33:53,975 --> 00:33:57,213
It is the height of six
American football fields,

669
00:33:57,313 --> 00:33:59,948
or five Canadian
football fields.

670
00:34:00,116 --> 00:34:02,684
As if Canadian football
really counts.

671
00:34:02,784 --> 00:34:05,887
What would be
the psychological motivation

672
00:34:05,987 --> 00:34:10,326
to erect a huge,
long, rigid shaft?

673
00:34:10,426 --> 00:34:13,262
First, there is
no Canadian culture.

674
00:34:13,362 --> 00:34:16,798
I've never read
any Canadian literature.

675
00:34:16,898 --> 00:34:18,500
And when have you
heard anyone say,

676
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,970
"Honey, let's stay in and
order some Canadian food?"

677
00:34:22,138 --> 00:34:25,441
SIMON: Congress is also
asking intelligence agencies

678
00:34:25,541 --> 00:34:28,910
to investigate why
the Canadians maintain

679
00:34:29,010 --> 00:34:32,348
a threatening lead
in Zamboni technology.

680
00:34:32,448 --> 00:34:37,586
Think of your children
pledging allegiance
to the maple leaf.

681
00:34:37,686 --> 00:34:40,222
Mayonnaise on everything.

682
00:34:40,322 --> 00:34:43,825
Winter,
11 months of the year.

683
00:34:44,693 --> 00:34:46,162
Anne Murray.

684
00:34:46,262 --> 00:34:47,663
All day.

685
00:34:47,763 --> 00:34:49,165
Every day.

686
00:34:52,634 --> 00:34:54,403
Holy shit.

687
00:34:56,372 --> 00:34:58,174
We're right on the border.

688
00:34:58,207 --> 00:34:59,508
We're the first line
of defense.

689
00:35:00,809 --> 00:35:02,878
We have to get
everyone organized.

690
00:35:02,978 --> 00:35:04,246
All right, people!

691
00:35:04,346 --> 00:35:07,183
Do not panic!
I repeat, do not panic!

692
00:35:07,249 --> 00:35:08,717
I'm in complete control.

693
00:35:08,817 --> 00:35:11,653
Now, Honey, Kabral,
Roy Boy, and myself,

694
00:35:11,753 --> 00:35:13,922
we'll guard the hydro plant.

695
00:35:14,022 --> 00:35:16,892
Snake,
you guard Ed's gun shop.

696
00:35:16,992 --> 00:35:18,594
Dell, the bowling alley.

697
00:35:18,694 --> 00:35:23,665
The rest of you,
guard this bar
with your lives.

698
00:35:24,733 --> 00:35:26,202
DRUNK: Yeah.

699
00:35:26,235 --> 00:35:27,669
All right, people.

700
00:35:30,406 --> 00:35:32,073
Let's move out.

701
00:35:32,208 --> 00:35:35,611
* Fighting soldiers
from the sky *

702
00:35:37,913 --> 00:35:39,648
* Fearless men

703
00:35:39,748 --> 00:35:41,817
* Who jump and die

704
00:35:42,851 --> 00:35:44,420
* Men who mean

705
00:35:45,421 --> 00:35:47,323
* Just what they say

706
00:35:48,590 --> 00:35:49,725
* The brave men

707
00:35:51,126 --> 00:35:52,928
* Of the green beret

708
00:35:54,430 --> 00:35:55,864
* Silver wings

709
00:35:57,065 --> 00:35:58,667
* Upon their chest

710
00:36:00,068 --> 00:36:01,537
* These are men

711
00:36:02,538 --> 00:36:04,240
* America's best

712
00:36:05,407 --> 00:36:06,908
* 100 men

713
00:36:08,277 --> 00:36:09,845
* Will test today

714
00:36:11,112 --> 00:36:12,714
* But only three

715
00:36:14,015 --> 00:36:15,817
* Win the green beret

716
00:36:16,852 --> 00:36:18,687
* Put silver wings

717
00:36:19,788 --> 00:36:21,357
* On my son's chest

718
00:36:22,958 --> 00:36:24,493
* Make him one

719
00:36:25,594 --> 00:36:27,396
* Of America's best

720
00:36:28,464 --> 00:36:29,731
* He'll be a man

721
00:36:31,333 --> 00:36:33,269
* They'll test one day

722
00:36:34,570 --> 00:36:36,272
* Have him win

723
00:36:37,138 --> 00:36:38,740
* The green beret *

724
00:36:43,512 --> 00:36:44,946
Now,
who would've thought?

725
00:36:45,046 --> 00:36:48,717
America against
the scary Canadians. *

726
00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:51,820
Boy, I'm good.

727
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:53,889
I'm going to let you
in on a little secret. *

728
00:36:56,057 --> 00:36:57,293
Mmm!

729
00:36:58,594 --> 00:36:59,928
Mmm, Christ. *

730
00:37:06,635 --> 00:37:08,904
The American public's
attention span

731
00:37:09,004 --> 00:37:11,072
is about as long
as your dick. *

732
00:37:11,172 --> 00:37:14,209
You have got to give
Americans something real,

733
00:37:14,310 --> 00:37:15,877
something they can
get their teeth into, *

734
00:37:15,977 --> 00:37:19,515
something that will make
them cry, "Bloody murder!"

735
00:37:19,615 --> 00:37:23,752
Americans will not go
to war, even a Cold War, *

736
00:37:23,852 --> 00:37:28,324
unless they truly believe
that their very lives
are threatened.

737
00:37:30,058 --> 00:37:32,093
What do you
have in mind? *

738
00:37:32,193 --> 00:37:34,330
Back in the early 1960s,
*

739
00:37:34,363 --> 00:37:36,798
my old buddy
Lyndon Johnson says,

740
00:37:36,898 --> 00:37:39,835
"Boys, why don't we just
bomb one of our own ships *

741
00:37:39,935 --> 00:37:42,137
"and blame it on
the North Vietnamese?"

742
00:37:42,237 --> 00:37:45,941
We did.
We shelled
a U.S. Navy ship

743
00:37:46,041 --> 00:37:47,476
in the Gulf of Tonkin.

744
00:37:47,576 --> 00:37:50,712
At least, that's
what we told everybody.

745
00:37:50,812 --> 00:37:54,550
As far as I know, that
damn boat was out in
the middle of Lake Erie.

746
00:37:54,650 --> 00:37:55,817
But,

747
00:37:57,686 --> 00:38:01,723
24 hours later
the U.S. Senate
voted 98 to 2

748
00:38:02,724 --> 00:38:04,460
to send troops
to Vietnam.

749
00:38:06,662 --> 00:38:07,829
That's
an amazing story.

750
00:38:07,929 --> 00:38:11,667
That's the truth,
and it can still work.

751
00:38:16,372 --> 00:38:18,106
MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
Like maple syrup,

752
00:38:18,206 --> 00:38:22,644
Canada's evil oozes
over the United States.

753
00:38:22,744 --> 00:38:25,981
How long will we remain
silent to the screams?

754
00:38:26,948 --> 00:38:28,884
Oh, that is stunning.

755
00:38:28,984 --> 00:38:30,251
(TELEPHONE RINGS)

756
00:38:30,386 --> 00:38:33,154
Everyone knows
what it's like to get
syrup on your fingers.

757
00:38:33,254 --> 00:38:35,457
This guy's ingenious.
I mean...

758
00:38:35,557 --> 00:38:37,526
Mr. President,
Canadian Prime Minister!

759
00:38:40,529 --> 00:38:41,597
Clark?

760
00:38:42,598 --> 00:38:44,400
How's Claire?

761
00:38:44,433 --> 00:38:46,902
You were just watching
on NBS, really?

762
00:38:47,002 --> 00:38:48,470
I don't know
what to think.

763
00:38:48,570 --> 00:38:52,240
Looks like you people
are planning something nasty.

764
00:38:52,408 --> 00:38:53,809
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

765
00:38:53,909 --> 00:38:57,579
What? If you feel that
way about it, goodbye.

766
00:39:00,181 --> 00:39:02,418
I like this.

767
00:39:02,484 --> 00:39:05,487
I think now
may be the time
to turn up the heat.

768
00:39:05,587 --> 00:39:07,055
What do you mean?

769
00:39:07,155 --> 00:39:09,124
Well, what if...
I'm just spitballing here.

770
00:39:09,224 --> 00:39:10,291
That's okay.
Go ahead.

771
00:39:10,426 --> 00:39:13,161
A Canadian hit squad,
i.e., trained professionals,

772
00:39:13,261 --> 00:39:14,863
who looked
like Canadians,

773
00:39:14,963 --> 00:39:19,501
were photographed sabotaging
an important installation
inside the U.S.

774
00:39:19,601 --> 00:39:21,537
Let's go there
with a strike force,

775
00:39:21,637 --> 00:39:23,071
knock out
their infrastructure

776
00:39:23,171 --> 00:39:25,507
quicker than you can say,
"Collateral damage."

777
00:39:25,607 --> 00:39:26,708
No.
No.

778
00:39:26,808 --> 00:39:28,043
Why not?
Yeah, why not?

779
00:39:28,143 --> 00:39:31,480
A war with Canada
would be over in days.

780
00:39:31,580 --> 00:39:32,848
Remember Grenada?

781
00:39:32,948 --> 00:39:34,115
They didn't even wake
Reagan up.

782
00:39:34,215 --> 00:39:35,451
Didn't have to.

783
00:39:35,517 --> 00:39:38,954
All we found were rich
American med school rejects

784
00:39:39,054 --> 00:39:40,922
and a couple of
Cuban construction workers.

785
00:39:41,022 --> 00:39:43,692
That's liberal bullshit.
Cuba had a division
in there.

786
00:39:43,792 --> 00:39:45,193
What about Panama?

787
00:39:45,293 --> 00:39:46,862
Right. Listen to this.

788
00:39:46,962 --> 00:39:50,365
A few days of blasting
Def Leppard over
loudspeakers,

789
00:39:50,466 --> 00:39:52,233
and Noriega
ran out weeping.

790
00:39:52,468 --> 00:39:53,669
And Iraq? Ha!

791
00:39:53,769 --> 00:39:54,770
Ha.

792
00:39:54,870 --> 00:39:57,706
They were supposed to
have this big, bad army.

793
00:39:57,806 --> 00:40:00,041
They had
the biggest cannon,
invented by a Canadian.

794
00:40:00,976 --> 00:40:02,644
72 hours
after we invade,

795
00:40:02,744 --> 00:40:04,245
they're begging
for a big Mac.

796
00:40:04,345 --> 00:40:06,381
They stopped us
a hundred miles
short of Baghdad.

797
00:40:06,482 --> 00:40:09,585
We just sat there
waving our dicks
at the desert.

798
00:40:10,819 --> 00:40:13,154
Mr. President,
do you want more of that,

799
00:40:13,254 --> 00:40:15,924
or 50 years of
Cold War prosperity

800
00:40:16,024 --> 00:40:18,860
because Joe Schmoe
American is scared
shitless

801
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,763
the world's going to end
before the next commercial?

802
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,636
Well, I think I like
Mr. Smiley's approach.

803
00:40:27,736 --> 00:40:30,171
Oh!
No, no.
I really like it.

804
00:40:30,271 --> 00:40:31,773
Here's what
we're going to do.

805
00:40:31,873 --> 00:40:33,308
We'll get some Special Ops.

806
00:40:33,408 --> 00:40:35,276
We'll disguise them
as Canadians

807
00:40:35,376 --> 00:40:37,579
and let them
blow something up.

808
00:40:37,679 --> 00:40:39,314
But nothing valuable, okay?

809
00:40:39,414 --> 00:40:40,949
No casualties, all right?

810
00:40:41,049 --> 00:40:44,986
There will
be no casualties,
and Canada gets the blame.

811
00:40:59,735 --> 00:41:01,637
Come on.
Step on the gas!

812
00:41:01,737 --> 00:41:03,404
Double time.
Double time.

813
00:41:03,539 --> 00:41:07,576
We're just minutes away
from blowing this hydro
plant to kingdom come.

814
00:41:07,676 --> 00:41:09,545
Ha! I'm back!

815
00:41:27,563 --> 00:41:29,565
GUS: You got them
down there?

816
00:41:34,435 --> 00:41:38,907
Wait till those
SOBs back at Langley see
this on the nightly news.

817
00:41:40,709 --> 00:41:42,611
BOOMER:
Freeze! The both of you!

818
00:41:42,711 --> 00:41:45,313
Don't move.
Don't anybody move.

819
00:41:45,413 --> 00:41:47,916
Honey, Canadians
on the east wing.
Bring the boys, quick!

820
00:41:48,016 --> 00:41:50,586
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?

821
00:41:52,220 --> 00:41:54,590
Get out! Go on!
Look what we found!

822
00:41:54,623 --> 00:41:55,891
Get your hands up there.

823
00:41:55,991 --> 00:41:57,693
Come on!
Hey, spread 'em!

824
00:41:57,793 --> 00:41:59,194
Come on.
Spread 'em! Let's go!

825
00:41:59,294 --> 00:42:01,630
Under the articles of
the Fifth Geneva Convention,

826
00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:03,732
and with the powers
invested in me by...

827
00:42:03,832 --> 00:42:06,735
Would you please shut up?
We're American!

828
00:42:06,835 --> 00:42:09,304
Who plays quarterback for
the St. Louis Cardinals?

829
00:42:09,404 --> 00:42:10,839
I have no idea.

830
00:42:10,939 --> 00:42:12,974
There ain't no more
St. Louis Cardinals!

831
00:42:13,074 --> 00:42:14,743
They moved to Phoenix!

832
00:42:14,843 --> 00:42:17,178
Wait.
Give us another one.

833
00:42:17,278 --> 00:42:18,446
HONEY:
Sorry. Time's up!

834
00:42:18,614 --> 00:42:21,282
Cuff 'em!
Frisk these canucks!

835
00:42:21,382 --> 00:42:26,021
Then call
the CIA, the FBI,
the DA, and the ASPCA,

836
00:42:26,121 --> 00:42:27,889
and call Channel 5.

837
00:42:27,989 --> 00:42:29,625
You're going to be on TV.

838
00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:34,429
The nation
remains stunned today

839
00:42:34,529 --> 00:42:37,198
after the capture
of secret Canadian agents

840
00:42:37,298 --> 00:42:40,702
who were attempting to blow
up the hydroelectric plant

841
00:42:40,802 --> 00:42:42,337
in Niagara Falls, New York.

842
00:42:42,437 --> 00:42:44,139
The Canadians
were apprehended

843
00:42:44,239 --> 00:42:47,008
by Niagara Sheriff,
Bud B. Boomer.

844
00:42:47,108 --> 00:42:48,043
BOOMER: Move! Move! Move!

845
00:42:48,143 --> 00:42:49,210
Right.

846
00:42:49,310 --> 00:42:51,212
Our correspondent,
Charles Jackal,

847
00:42:51,312 --> 00:42:53,048
who is rejoining us

848
00:42:53,148 --> 00:42:54,716
after a stint
at the Betty Ford Clinic,

849
00:42:54,816 --> 00:42:56,785
kicks off
our team coverage.

850
00:42:56,885 --> 00:42:59,688
Chuck, it's great
to have you back.

851
00:43:00,555 --> 00:43:01,990
And it's great to be back.

852
00:43:03,759 --> 00:43:06,728
I want to apologize for
the hurt I may have
caused that night

853
00:43:06,828 --> 00:43:08,329
to so many of you,

854
00:43:08,429 --> 00:43:11,299
especially those
who were standing
too close to the curb.

855
00:43:13,501 --> 00:43:14,302
You know who you are.

856
00:43:15,804 --> 00:43:16,872
Forgive me.

857
00:43:19,107 --> 00:43:21,743
Ed, it's
a startling revelation.

858
00:43:21,843 --> 00:43:23,211
Canada, getting
ready to invade,

859
00:43:23,311 --> 00:43:25,446
has amassed 90%
of its population

860
00:43:25,546 --> 00:43:27,783
along its border
with the United States.

861
00:43:27,883 --> 00:43:30,485
The longest unprotected
border in the world,

862
00:43:30,585 --> 00:43:33,354
stretching from
the Atlantic Ocean

863
00:43:33,454 --> 00:43:34,723
to that other one.

864
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:40,428
You'll be pleased
to know, sir,

865
00:43:40,528 --> 00:43:42,330
that the Hacker Hellstorm

866
00:43:42,430 --> 00:43:45,834
was delivered to
and installed in
Toronto yesterday.

867
00:43:45,934 --> 00:43:47,836
Good work.
Good work, boy.

868
00:43:48,937 --> 00:43:50,872
When I found you,

869
00:43:50,972 --> 00:43:52,841
I said to myself,

870
00:43:52,941 --> 00:43:56,011
"I can make something
out of that sniveling
little sneak."

871
00:43:56,111 --> 00:43:58,279
Yes, sir.

872
00:43:58,379 --> 00:44:02,117
Sir,
what exactly is
the Hacker Hellstorm?

873
00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,321
I'm just curious
since I sold it and all.

874
00:44:07,756 --> 00:44:10,491
Well,
that's fair enough, Stu.

875
00:44:10,591 --> 00:44:13,061
The Hacker Hellstorm
is a devastating weapon,

876
00:44:14,429 --> 00:44:16,431
a destabilizing weapon,

877
00:44:16,531 --> 00:44:19,000
and it is capable

878
00:44:19,100 --> 00:44:22,771
of launching
all the missiles
in the United States

879
00:44:22,871 --> 00:44:24,539
at once.
Really?

880
00:44:24,639 --> 00:44:27,743
But the Canadians will
never, ever use it.

881
00:44:27,843 --> 00:44:29,210
How can you be so sure?

882
00:44:29,310 --> 00:44:32,147
Because I didn't give them
the operating codes.

883
00:44:34,215 --> 00:44:35,316
Really?

884
00:44:35,416 --> 00:44:37,185
They think
it gives them an edge

885
00:44:37,285 --> 00:44:39,755
on high-tech
weather forecasting.

886
00:44:40,756 --> 00:44:42,257
Uh-huh.

887
00:44:42,357 --> 00:44:46,795
So the Hellstorm
is harmless, yes?

888
00:44:49,364 --> 00:44:50,398
Ah, Stuey.

889
00:44:55,603 --> 00:44:56,772
Honey!

890
00:45:05,346 --> 00:45:06,882
Honey!

891
00:45:10,351 --> 00:45:11,319
What the...

892
00:45:14,489 --> 00:45:15,857
Holy shit.
*

893
00:45:18,026 --> 00:45:19,327
What the hell?
*

894
00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:26,802
Honey?
Shh!

895
00:45:29,137 --> 00:45:30,872
Kabral.

896
00:45:30,972 --> 00:45:33,308
What does this
look like to you?

897
00:45:33,408 --> 00:45:37,412
Got me. I never saw
a white one that size.

898
00:45:37,512 --> 00:45:38,413
It's the Canadian
National Tower.

899
00:45:39,580 --> 00:45:41,249
Maybe I better
carry the guns.

900
00:45:41,349 --> 00:45:43,318
Where we going?

901
00:45:43,418 --> 00:45:45,320
Boomer's got a special
mission for us.

902
00:45:45,420 --> 00:45:47,823
Says Canadians are too
clean for their own good.

903
00:45:47,923 --> 00:45:49,557
We're crossing over.
To Canada?

904
00:45:49,657 --> 00:45:51,492
Yep. We're
going in tonight

905
00:45:51,592 --> 00:45:53,995
to kick some
Canadian butt.

906
00:45:55,030 --> 00:45:56,097
Can we go to the Tower?

907
00:45:56,197 --> 00:45:57,866
No. I don't think so.

908
00:46:04,372 --> 00:46:05,540
Cut the engine.
It's making too much noise.

909
00:46:06,875 --> 00:46:08,043
(ENGINE STOPS)

910
00:46:09,544 --> 00:46:10,879
What did you say?

911
00:46:10,979 --> 00:46:12,347
We have to be very quiet.

912
00:46:12,447 --> 00:46:14,449
We're all going
to have to paddle.

913
00:46:14,549 --> 00:46:16,451
Get those oars in the water.

914
00:46:16,551 --> 00:46:17,752
Go on.
Put your back into it.

915
00:46:17,853 --> 00:46:20,221
Nice and easy.
There you go.

916
00:46:24,692 --> 00:46:26,561
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Canada.

917
00:46:34,769 --> 00:46:36,471
This'll drive them crazy!

918
00:46:40,075 --> 00:46:43,578
There is no more heinous
crime than this in Canada.

919
00:46:43,678 --> 00:46:45,446
Are you sure
we're in Canada?

920
00:46:45,546 --> 00:46:47,115
Do you smell anything?

921
00:46:47,215 --> 00:46:49,150
No.
Exactly. Canada!

922
00:46:51,319 --> 00:46:54,689
Hey, those look
like my socks.
That isn't garbage!

923
00:46:54,789 --> 00:46:57,325
That's my laundry.
Roy Boy, you idiot!

924
00:46:57,425 --> 00:46:58,994
Pick this up!

925
00:46:59,094 --> 00:47:01,162
You stupid jerk,
what are you doing?

926
00:47:01,262 --> 00:47:02,563
My good stuff.
*

927
00:47:02,663 --> 00:47:05,300
Hello,
who goes there?

928
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:06,567
Freeze!

929
00:47:06,667 --> 00:47:07,468
Johnny Canuck!

930
00:47:07,568 --> 00:47:10,371
Leave the park
immediately

931
00:47:10,471 --> 00:47:11,472
and go back to
where you came from.

932
00:47:11,572 --> 00:47:14,943
Scatter! Everybody
back to the boat!

933
00:47:16,912 --> 00:47:20,448
Sir, you can't end your
sentence with a preposition.

934
00:47:20,548 --> 00:47:21,416
Oh, really?

935
00:47:22,383 --> 00:47:23,985
(WHOOPING)

936
00:47:26,287 --> 00:47:28,156
Well, what
would you say?

937
00:47:28,256 --> 00:47:30,658
Well, I guess
I'd say either,

938
00:47:30,758 --> 00:47:32,327
"Go back from
where you came,"

939
00:47:32,427 --> 00:47:34,429
or the preferred
Queen's English,

940
00:47:34,529 --> 00:47:36,264
"Go back, thee,
from whence thou came."

941
00:47:39,667 --> 00:47:40,801
Oh, man, that was close.

942
00:47:40,936 --> 00:47:44,472
We were staring death
right in its face!

943
00:47:47,542 --> 00:47:50,378
So, uh...
Where's Honey?

944
00:47:58,519 --> 00:48:00,121
Oh, man,
we forgot Honey!

945
00:48:01,756 --> 00:48:03,758
I left Honey behind!

946
00:48:03,858 --> 00:48:04,960
We left a man behind.

947
00:48:05,060 --> 00:48:07,828
Boomer left a man behind!

948
00:48:07,963 --> 00:48:10,098
The Marines never
leave a man behind.

949
00:48:10,198 --> 00:48:11,967
Chuck Norris never
left a man behind.

950
00:48:12,033 --> 00:48:14,502
Wesley Snipes never
leaves a man behind!

951
00:48:14,602 --> 00:48:15,971
She's all alone
behind enemy lines.

952
00:48:16,004 --> 00:48:17,005
I got to think!

953
00:48:17,805 --> 00:48:20,208
She's going to be fine.

954
00:48:20,308 --> 00:48:21,042
She's a survivor.
She's strong!

955
00:48:21,142 --> 00:48:24,212
(EXPLOSIONS)

956
00:48:27,348 --> 00:48:28,683
Hope she doesn't kill anybody.

957
00:48:34,255 --> 00:48:37,058
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our
regularly-scheduled program

958
00:48:37,158 --> 00:48:40,161
and go live
to the President
of the United States.

959
00:48:41,729 --> 00:48:45,200
We have just learned that
the Canadian government

960
00:48:45,300 --> 00:48:48,836
is holding an American
citizen hostage.

961
00:48:49,004 --> 00:48:53,074
I have communicated
with the Canadian
Prime Minister

962
00:48:53,174 --> 00:48:57,212
our demand that
this hostage,
this woman,

963
00:48:57,312 --> 00:49:02,617
uh, hostage Honey,
must be released now!

964
00:49:02,717 --> 00:49:04,419
Oh, my God. Honey!

965
00:49:04,519 --> 00:49:05,886
To facilitate this,

966
00:49:06,021 --> 00:49:10,691
I've ordered our
armed forces on alert,

967
00:49:10,791 --> 00:49:14,029
and I've ordered them
to prepare to engage

968
00:49:14,129 --> 00:49:16,731
in Operation
Canadian Bacon.

969
00:49:18,266 --> 00:49:22,103
And I want to say to
Prime Minister MacDonald,

970
00:49:22,203 --> 00:49:26,707
"Surrender her pronto,
or we'll level Toronto."

971
00:49:28,876 --> 00:49:31,312
God bless America.

972
00:49:31,412 --> 00:49:32,947
MAN:
God bless America.

973
00:49:33,048 --> 00:49:34,282
God bless you,
Mr. President.

974
00:49:37,552 --> 00:49:38,619
Oh, Honey.

975
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:41,556
* And, honey, I miss you

976
00:49:43,891 --> 00:49:47,295
* And I'm being good

977
00:49:49,797 --> 00:49:52,400
* And I'd love
to be with you *

978
00:49:55,103 --> 00:49:57,572
* If only I could

979
00:49:57,672 --> 00:50:03,444
This just got in.
We have received amateur
videotape of hostage Honey.

980
00:50:03,544 --> 00:50:04,812
Roy Boy, Kabral, quick!

981
00:50:04,912 --> 00:50:06,247
Huh?
Honey!

982
00:50:06,347 --> 00:50:07,615
HONEY: Boomer!

983
00:50:07,715 --> 00:50:10,085
Traitor!
You Benedict Arnold!

984
00:50:10,185 --> 00:50:12,620
You took off
and left me here...

985
00:50:12,720 --> 00:50:14,055
Oh, she's pissed.

986
00:50:15,123 --> 00:50:17,925
You think?

987
00:50:18,025 --> 00:50:19,594
I'll rip out every bone in your
body!
She's mad at you, Boomer.

988
00:50:19,694 --> 00:50:21,629
Boomer, you hear me?

989
00:50:21,729 --> 00:50:25,733
SIMON: She is being held
at Mountie Headquarters
in Niagara Falls, Canada.

990
00:50:25,833 --> 00:50:28,769
Sources in the
intelligence community

991
00:50:28,869 --> 00:50:34,675
speculate that Canada
may be preparing to
terminate her,

992
00:50:34,775 --> 00:50:38,513
which would certainly
be in keeping with what
we know about the Canadians.

993
00:50:38,613 --> 00:50:39,847
BOOMER: Terminate?

994
00:50:39,947 --> 00:50:42,350
This is no less
than an act of war.

995
00:50:42,450 --> 00:50:46,654
There's a time to think
and a time to act,

996
00:50:46,754 --> 00:50:50,458
and this, gentlemen,
is no time to think.

997
00:50:51,926 --> 00:50:54,429
We'll have
one more round,
and then we'll go.

998
00:50:54,529 --> 00:50:55,796
Chester!

999
00:50:55,896 --> 00:50:57,132
Another round.

1000
00:50:57,198 --> 00:50:59,667
Same thing.

1001
00:50:59,767 --> 00:51:00,801
Gives Honey a chance
to cool off a little bit.

1002
00:51:00,901 --> 00:51:02,337
Yeah, we know.

1003
00:51:02,803 --> 00:51:03,704
Yeah.

1004
00:51:31,666 --> 00:51:33,668
Come on.
Out of the way.

1005
00:51:33,768 --> 00:51:35,470
There's not
a locked door in
the whole country.

1006
00:51:35,570 --> 00:51:36,504
Let's go!

1007
00:51:55,590 --> 00:51:56,791
(SHOUTING)

1008
00:52:00,761 --> 00:52:03,264
I don't want to
have to drop first blood,
but I will if I have to!

1009
00:52:03,364 --> 00:52:05,200
I mean it, I'll hurt you.

1010
00:52:05,266 --> 00:52:08,102
Everybody
down on the ground,
and no one will be hurt!

1011
00:52:08,203 --> 00:52:12,240
MAN ON TV:
The elk, the beaver, and the
moose are man's best friends.

1012
00:52:13,674 --> 00:52:15,210
All right, Pops,

1013
00:52:15,876 --> 00:52:17,678
who's in charge?

1014
00:52:17,778 --> 00:52:20,448
Just the two of us,
just Ruthie and me.

1015
00:52:20,548 --> 00:52:22,517
No other personnel
in the whole building?

1016
00:52:22,617 --> 00:52:24,585
No. We're
the night shift.

1017
00:52:24,685 --> 00:52:26,521
Excuse me, ma'am,

1018
00:52:26,621 --> 00:52:28,756
there's not
another control room?

1019
00:52:28,856 --> 00:52:30,225
No, dear, this is it.

1020
00:52:30,891 --> 00:52:31,992
Thank you.

1021
00:52:32,092 --> 00:52:35,230
Boomer, maybe
we better just go, huh?

1022
00:52:35,263 --> 00:52:36,664
Stand your ground, soldier!

1023
00:52:36,764 --> 00:52:38,233
Oh, brother.

1024
00:52:38,333 --> 00:52:40,668
Now, let me
get this straight.

1025
00:52:40,768 --> 00:52:44,239
You're telling me that
you two are responsible

1026
00:52:44,339 --> 00:52:47,808
for supplying
all the electricity
to your entire nation?

1027
00:52:47,908 --> 00:52:49,544
That's about
the size of it.

1028
00:52:49,644 --> 00:52:52,046
Oh, Dad.

1029
00:52:52,146 --> 00:52:53,848
Does he ever
like to brag.

1030
00:52:55,783 --> 00:52:57,285
Put those needles down,

1031
00:52:57,385 --> 00:52:59,254
nice and easy,
where I can see them.

1032
00:52:59,687 --> 00:53:00,988
Spread out!

1033
00:53:01,088 --> 00:53:03,724
Find the power source for
the Mountie Headquarters.

1034
00:53:09,597 --> 00:53:12,800
I'm going to ask you
one more time.

1035
00:53:12,900 --> 00:53:14,969
Where is the power switch

1036
00:53:15,069 --> 00:53:17,905
to the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police Headquarters?

1037
00:53:18,005 --> 00:53:20,675
You're going to tell me
sooner or later.

1038
00:53:20,775 --> 00:53:23,110
Now, we can do it my way,

1039
00:53:23,278 --> 00:53:25,079
which is very nice
right now,

1040
00:53:25,179 --> 00:53:27,282
or we can do it their way,

1041
00:53:27,382 --> 00:53:29,284
which you're
not going to like.

1042
00:53:45,165 --> 00:53:49,637
You Canadians
are so sneaky.

1043
00:53:49,737 --> 00:53:53,374
Don't touch that.
You'll black out
most of Canada!

1044
00:53:54,809 --> 00:53:56,076
Yeah, right.

1045
00:53:56,176 --> 00:53:58,413
What do we look like,
jerks?

1046
00:53:58,513 --> 00:53:59,447
Please!

1047
00:54:00,448 --> 00:54:01,682
KABRAL:
You screwed up now.

1048
00:54:01,782 --> 00:54:03,318
BOOMER:
I'll be the judge of that!

1049
00:54:10,090 --> 00:54:12,226
All right.
Let's move out.

1050
00:54:12,327 --> 00:54:15,162
And you, don't tell
anybody we was here.

1051
00:54:15,363 --> 00:54:16,364
Come on!

1052
00:54:17,432 --> 00:54:18,499
(GRUNTS)

1053
00:54:19,700 --> 00:54:22,337
You know, I could
get to like this.

1054
00:54:22,437 --> 00:54:23,371
Really?

1055
00:54:28,042 --> 00:54:29,977
On these screens here,
Mr. President.

1056
00:54:31,078 --> 00:54:32,347
What is this?
What's happening?

1057
00:54:32,447 --> 00:54:34,482
All of Canada
is going dark, sir.

1058
00:54:34,582 --> 00:54:36,484
What do you make of this?

1059
00:54:36,584 --> 00:54:38,886
I'll tell you,
but you'll dislike it.

1060
00:54:38,986 --> 00:54:40,555
Mr. President,
Prime Minister MacDonald,

1061
00:54:40,655 --> 00:54:41,756
calling from Ottawa.

1062
00:54:41,856 --> 00:54:42,823
Yes...

1063
00:54:44,825 --> 00:54:46,361
Clark, hi.

1064
00:54:48,128 --> 00:54:50,598
Now, why would we want
to cut off your power?

1065
00:54:52,066 --> 00:54:53,601
No. What... Calm down.

1066
00:54:54,435 --> 00:54:56,236
Calm...

1067
00:54:56,371 --> 00:54:59,940
No. If we were up
to something, we would
have mined your harbors.

1068
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:01,075
Damn right.

1069
00:55:02,009 --> 00:55:03,644
What? Who?

1070
00:55:06,447 --> 00:55:08,015
Yeah, I see. Yeah.

1071
00:55:08,115 --> 00:55:11,018
We'll check this out,
and we'll get back to you.

1072
00:55:11,118 --> 00:55:12,219
Goodbye!

1073
00:55:12,387 --> 00:55:14,154
You're not going
to believe this.

1074
00:55:14,254 --> 00:55:17,425
That same
goddamned sheriff
from Niagara Falls,

1075
00:55:17,525 --> 00:55:19,460
that hero...

1076
00:55:20,027 --> 00:55:21,996
Bud Boomer.

1077
00:55:22,096 --> 00:55:24,131
He's the one responsible
for the blackout.

1078
00:55:24,231 --> 00:55:26,401
Boomer? Oh, sir.
That's bullshit!

1079
00:55:26,434 --> 00:55:28,803
This is
a Canadian trick.

1080
00:55:28,903 --> 00:55:31,939
Blame us,
get world sympathy,
and make it impossible

1081
00:55:32,039 --> 00:55:34,409
for our
night-attack bombers
to locate their cities

1082
00:55:34,509 --> 00:55:36,110
and destroy
their inhabitants.

1083
00:55:36,210 --> 00:55:38,846
God, sir,
that's the oldest
trick in the book!

1084
00:55:50,290 --> 00:55:53,661
MOUNTIE: "Thank you
for sleeping so quietly.

1085
00:55:55,430 --> 00:55:56,764
"I love you.

1086
00:55:59,534 --> 00:56:01,436
"Even though
you're a criminal.

1087
00:56:05,873 --> 00:56:08,776
"Thank you
for keeping
your cell clean.

1088
00:56:10,678 --> 00:56:12,112
"I

1089
00:56:12,212 --> 00:56:13,548
"miss you."

1090
00:56:17,852 --> 00:56:19,086
Welcome to Canada.

1091
00:56:19,186 --> 00:56:21,456
Hold it right there,
canuck.

1092
00:56:22,322 --> 00:56:23,458
Who are you?

1093
00:56:24,759 --> 00:56:26,861
I'm your worst nightmare.

1094
00:56:26,961 --> 00:56:29,830
I'm a citizen with
a constitutional
right to bear arms.

1095
00:56:31,699 --> 00:56:33,668
Take the pelts.
Take whatever you want.

1096
00:56:33,768 --> 00:56:36,336
We don't want
your stinking pelts.

1097
00:56:36,471 --> 00:56:38,839
Have some fudge.
Just leave me alone.

1098
00:56:38,939 --> 00:56:40,541
Didn't you hear him?

1099
00:56:40,641 --> 00:56:41,942
We're your
worst nightmare.

1100
00:56:43,811 --> 00:56:48,516
My worst nightmare
involved a pack of
rabid wolves.

1101
00:56:48,616 --> 00:56:51,051
I was stuck somewhere
in the Yukon,

1102
00:56:51,151 --> 00:56:53,788
and there were
tall, skinny rabbits,

1103
00:56:53,888 --> 00:56:55,690
and they were
drinking heavily.

1104
00:56:55,790 --> 00:56:56,824
(GLASS BREAKING)

1105
00:56:56,924 --> 00:56:58,693
Just shut up!

1106
00:56:58,793 --> 00:57:01,228
We want your prisoner.
Where is she?

1107
00:57:01,328 --> 00:57:03,163
I don't know what
you're talking aboot, eh.

1108
00:57:04,098 --> 00:57:06,066
"Aboot?" It's "about!"

1109
00:57:06,166 --> 00:57:07,768
What we're
talking about!

1110
00:57:07,868 --> 00:57:09,570
And enough of
that "eh" business.

1111
00:57:09,670 --> 00:57:12,072
Learn to talk right,
understand?

1112
00:57:12,172 --> 00:57:14,742
We got ways of making you
pronounce the letter "o."

1113
00:57:14,842 --> 00:57:16,644
I want my Honey!

1114
00:57:16,744 --> 00:57:18,345
Now, get the keys
for the cells now.

1115
00:57:18,546 --> 00:57:19,547
Now!

1116
00:57:20,014 --> 00:57:21,015
Easy.

1117
00:57:21,115 --> 00:57:22,917
Easy.

1118
00:57:23,017 --> 00:57:24,151
Okay, Mr. Canuck.

1119
00:57:25,252 --> 00:57:27,154
Mr. Two-time
World Series winner.

1120
00:57:27,254 --> 00:57:28,856
Hey, watch
that fancy move!

1121
00:57:30,725 --> 00:57:33,528
See? This is all
the prisoners we have.

1122
00:57:33,594 --> 00:57:38,766
This man was arrested for
putting regular gas into
an unleaded tank.

1123
00:57:38,866 --> 00:57:40,668
Where do you
think you're going?

1124
00:57:40,768 --> 00:57:43,270
I'm going over to show
you the next guy.

1125
00:57:43,370 --> 00:57:45,640
Easy. One step at a time.

1126
00:57:45,740 --> 00:57:49,877
This man was arrested
for being in too many
bad moods.

1127
00:57:52,947 --> 00:57:56,617
I got you covered.
I got you covered.
I got you covered, buddy.

1128
00:57:56,717 --> 00:58:00,287
This man raided
a company, merged it
with his conglomerate,

1129
00:58:00,387 --> 00:58:02,322
and then fired
all the employees.

1130
00:58:02,422 --> 00:58:03,858
Get away from the bars,
you scum!

1131
00:58:03,958 --> 00:58:05,025
Boomer!

1132
00:58:05,125 --> 00:58:06,260
Hold on, Jack.

1133
00:58:08,262 --> 00:58:10,698
Now,
you tell us
where Honey is.

1134
00:58:10,798 --> 00:58:12,667
Let me paint a picture
for you, buddy.

1135
00:58:12,767 --> 00:58:15,102
She's petite,
extremely beautiful,

1136
00:58:15,936 --> 00:58:18,238
and heavily armed.

1137
00:58:18,338 --> 00:58:20,407
Wait. You mean
the litterbug.

1138
00:58:20,575 --> 00:58:22,042
They took her
to the capital

1139
00:58:22,142 --> 00:58:25,412
to give her a free
mental health examination.

1140
00:58:25,580 --> 00:58:27,982
Good.
The capital, Toronto.

1141
00:58:28,082 --> 00:58:31,719
No. The capital
of Canada is Ottawa.

1142
00:58:34,755 --> 00:58:35,856
Yeah, right.

1143
00:58:37,124 --> 00:58:38,593
Do we look that stupid?

1144
00:58:43,097 --> 00:58:44,031
Ottawa!

1145
00:58:45,432 --> 00:58:47,067
Nice try, Dudley.

1146
00:58:47,167 --> 00:58:49,870
All right, boys!
We're going to Toronto.

1147
00:58:51,739 --> 00:58:52,807
The capital.

1148
00:59:00,848 --> 00:59:02,282
Do you want some water?

1149
00:59:03,083 --> 00:59:04,251
Mmm-hmm.

1150
00:59:05,419 --> 00:59:06,320
Too bad.

1151
00:59:07,655 --> 00:59:08,789
Gentlemen.

1152
00:59:11,125 --> 00:59:13,628
Let's take the truck.

1153
00:59:16,764 --> 00:59:17,698
Let's go!

1154
00:59:20,367 --> 00:59:21,836
Hey, Boomer?

1155
00:59:23,203 --> 00:59:24,972
Yeah? What's wrong?

1156
00:59:25,072 --> 00:59:26,641
I got an idea.

1157
00:59:27,708 --> 00:59:28,776
Oh, yeah.

1158
00:59:29,409 --> 00:59:31,111
Oh, yeah.

1159
00:59:31,211 --> 00:59:34,248
Mr. President, I think
we should look on the
positive side.

1160
00:59:34,348 --> 00:59:37,785
What we have is a brave but
misguided group of Americans

1161
00:59:37,885 --> 00:59:41,155
who've gone into Canada
and kicked some serious
Canadian butt.

1162
00:59:41,255 --> 00:59:42,489
Well, we've got
to do something.

1163
00:59:42,657 --> 00:59:46,861
We could send in
the Omega Force.

1164
00:59:51,866 --> 00:59:53,167
Isn't that
a bit drastic?

1165
00:59:55,502 --> 01:00:00,340
Sir, the
Helms Amendment
and NSC Order 725

1166
01:00:00,440 --> 01:00:04,211
both specifically prohibit
the use of Omega Force
against Caucasians.

1167
01:00:04,311 --> 01:00:06,046
That's right.

1168
01:00:06,146 --> 01:00:09,183
I guess if I were the
President's male secretary,

1169
01:00:09,283 --> 01:00:13,087
I might read the
Helms Amendment that way.

1170
01:00:13,187 --> 01:00:15,255
What choice
do we have, sir?

1171
01:00:15,355 --> 01:00:18,225
We have to take
this sheriff out immediately

1172
01:00:18,325 --> 01:00:20,560
before this turns
into a shooting war

1173
01:00:20,661 --> 01:00:23,698
instead of the Cold War
that we wanted.

1174
01:00:24,765 --> 01:00:26,801
Mr. President.
Hey! Hey!

1175
01:00:26,901 --> 01:00:29,670
Sheriff Boomer has
become a national idol

1176
01:00:29,770 --> 01:00:33,040
at a time
when our people
lack true heroes,

1177
01:00:33,140 --> 01:00:34,775
yourself excluded, sir.

1178
01:00:34,875 --> 01:00:37,111
It would seem wise
not to lose him.

1179
01:00:37,211 --> 01:00:39,179
General,
the President
should see this, sir.

1180
01:00:40,748 --> 01:00:43,784
Enraged by the imprisonment
of hostage Honey,

1181
01:00:43,884 --> 01:00:46,653
and inspired by their hero
Bud Boomer,

1182
01:00:46,754 --> 01:00:48,588
U.S. citizens
from coast to coast

1183
01:00:48,689 --> 01:00:51,558
are taking actions against
Americans of Canadian birth

1184
01:00:51,658 --> 01:00:54,862
and suspected
Canadian sympathizers.

1185
01:00:54,962 --> 01:00:56,897
Some Americans
in other border towns

1186
01:00:56,997 --> 01:00:59,800
have followed Sheriff Boomer
into Canada

1187
01:00:59,900 --> 01:01:02,269
with the hope
of liberating that country.

1188
01:01:04,038 --> 01:01:06,974
Everything I see or
read about these
Canadians

1189
01:01:07,074 --> 01:01:09,176
just makes me
want to puke!

1190
01:01:09,276 --> 01:01:10,410
(CHANTING) U.S.A. U.S.A.

1191
01:01:10,510 --> 01:01:13,313
It's time we put America
back in North America.

1192
01:01:13,413 --> 01:01:16,050
God bless Bud Boomer!

1193
01:01:16,150 --> 01:01:18,018
(CHANTING) U.S.A. U.S.A.

1194
01:01:18,118 --> 01:01:19,854
Oh, Christ.

1195
01:01:19,954 --> 01:01:23,357
Mr. President,
I believe we have no choice

1196
01:01:23,457 --> 01:01:26,761
but to remove Bud Boomer
judiciously.

1197
01:01:30,564 --> 01:01:31,766
Now.

1198
01:01:35,102 --> 01:01:36,904
PRESIDENT:
Well, it's an idea.

1199
01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:42,242
Send in Omega Force!

1200
01:02:05,866 --> 01:02:09,269
* Spread your tiny wings
and fly away... *

1201
01:02:14,809 --> 01:02:15,943
Go fish.

1202
01:02:25,052 --> 01:02:26,286
Welcome to Canada.

1203
01:02:27,054 --> 01:02:28,322
Who are you?

1204
01:02:31,091 --> 01:02:32,993
That was
totally unnecessary.

1205
01:02:36,730 --> 01:02:38,032
SOLDIER 1:
Where is Boomer?

1206
01:02:39,333 --> 01:02:41,368
I had an amazing hand.

1207
01:02:41,468 --> 01:02:42,302
SOLDIER 2:
Where is he?

1208
01:02:45,372 --> 01:02:46,340
Toronto.

1209
01:02:54,248 --> 01:02:57,417
We're coming, Honey.
We're coming.

1210
01:02:57,517 --> 01:02:59,854
Hey, Boomer,
how come you never
let me drive, man?

1211
01:03:02,890 --> 01:03:04,658
Just don't start with me,
all right?

1212
01:03:04,758 --> 01:03:07,027
The black cat
never gets to drive.

1213
01:03:07,127 --> 01:03:08,495
It's not because
you're black.

1214
01:03:08,595 --> 01:03:10,530
Lots of black guys
drive all the time.

1215
01:03:10,630 --> 01:03:12,499
For example.

1216
01:03:12,599 --> 01:03:13,868
What's his name?
Danny Glover

1217
01:03:13,901 --> 01:03:15,936
in Driving Miss...
What's her name?

1218
01:03:16,036 --> 01:03:18,105
Danny Glover didn't drive
Miss Daisy.

1219
01:03:18,205 --> 01:03:20,407
He drove Mel Gibson.

1220
01:03:20,507 --> 01:03:21,909
He didn't drive
Mel Gibson.

1221
01:03:22,009 --> 01:03:23,878
That's Eddie Murphy
drives Mel Gibson.

1222
01:03:23,978 --> 01:03:25,612
Eddie Murphy
drives Nick Nolte.

1223
01:03:25,712 --> 01:03:26,881
He does not.

1224
01:03:26,981 --> 01:03:30,084
ROY BOY: Hey, guys,
I drove once.

1225
01:03:31,085 --> 01:03:32,219
(SIREN WAILING)

1226
01:03:32,319 --> 01:03:33,353
BOOMER: Oh, jeez.

1227
01:03:33,453 --> 01:03:34,554
Oh, jeez.

1228
01:03:34,654 --> 01:03:35,923
Oh, jeez.

1229
01:03:36,991 --> 01:03:38,926
Maybe it's not us.

1230
01:03:39,026 --> 01:03:40,494
It's not us.

1231
01:03:40,594 --> 01:03:42,396
Pull over! Pull over!

1232
01:03:42,496 --> 01:03:45,099
It's us. He wants us.
All right.

1233
01:03:45,900 --> 01:03:46,967
We're pulling over.

1234
01:03:52,106 --> 01:03:56,143
All right, fellas.
Just act normal,
all right? Act normal.

1235
01:03:57,912 --> 01:04:00,247
Not normal for us.
Normal for regular people.

1236
01:04:06,086 --> 01:04:07,121
Good day.

1237
01:04:07,221 --> 01:04:08,322
Hi.

1238
01:04:08,422 --> 01:04:10,490
May I see your license
and registration, please?

1239
01:04:12,092 --> 01:04:13,127
There you go.

1240
01:04:13,227 --> 01:04:14,261
Thank you.

1241
01:04:14,995 --> 01:04:16,296
Oh, Americans!

1242
01:04:16,396 --> 01:04:18,598
Welcome to Ontario,
a sportsman's paradise.

1243
01:04:18,698 --> 01:04:20,334
Isn't it, though?

1244
01:04:20,434 --> 01:04:23,337
Please get out and
step away from the vehicle.

1245
01:04:33,313 --> 01:04:34,949
Okay.

1246
01:04:34,982 --> 01:04:36,583
What is wrong
with this picture?

1247
01:04:36,683 --> 01:04:37,952
Um...

1248
01:04:38,452 --> 01:04:39,619
Uh...

1249
01:04:39,719 --> 01:04:41,956
No snow tires.
No.

1250
01:04:42,056 --> 01:04:44,959
I was driving on the
wrong side of the road.

1251
01:04:44,992 --> 01:04:47,427
I can explain that.
I am not used to
your rules up here.

1252
01:04:47,527 --> 01:04:49,663
That's not it.

1253
01:04:49,763 --> 01:04:52,499
This writing on the
side of your vehicle.

1254
01:04:52,599 --> 01:04:55,069
Oh! How did that
get there?

1255
01:04:55,169 --> 01:04:57,471
Those kids at the garage,
I just...

1256
01:04:57,571 --> 01:04:59,339
Whatever.

1257
01:04:59,439 --> 01:05:02,376
My concern is
the sensibilities
of a certain distinct

1258
01:05:02,476 --> 01:05:04,979
and viable part
of Canadian society.

1259
01:05:05,079 --> 01:05:06,213
Les Quebecois.

1260
01:05:06,313 --> 01:05:07,347
Huh?

1261
01:05:07,447 --> 01:05:09,516
You know,
wine drinkers.

1262
01:05:09,616 --> 01:05:11,986
Pea-soup eaters.
French Canadians.

1263
01:05:12,052 --> 01:05:14,221
Oh, yeah.
Those guys. Sure.

1264
01:05:14,321 --> 01:05:15,689
If you wish to
avoid prosecution,

1265
01:05:15,789 --> 01:05:19,059
I'd advise
that you comply
with our language laws,

1266
01:05:19,159 --> 01:05:21,695
which specifically prescribe

1267
01:05:21,795 --> 01:05:25,865
that all signs be in
both English and French,

1268
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:29,603
Canada's two
official languages.
Okay.

1269
01:05:29,703 --> 01:05:31,005
I do have to fine you.

1270
01:05:31,071 --> 01:05:35,109
That'll be $1,000 Canadian
or $10 American if you'd
prefer.

1271
01:05:35,209 --> 01:05:39,013
Oh! No. I'll pay the
American there. Yeah.

1272
01:05:39,079 --> 01:05:40,214
There you go, buddy.

1273
01:05:40,914 --> 01:05:42,116
Here you are, $10.

1274
01:05:42,216 --> 01:05:43,750
Thank you very much.
There's your receipt.

1275
01:05:43,850 --> 01:05:45,052
Thank you.

1276
01:05:45,152 --> 01:05:46,286
And now...

1277
01:05:48,188 --> 01:05:49,523
(RATTLES)

1278
01:05:49,623 --> 01:05:51,425
In French,
if you please.

1279
01:06:09,876 --> 01:06:14,248
WOMAN ON INTERCOM:
Dr. Wall, Dr. Wall,
please pick up line five.

1280
01:06:17,351 --> 01:06:22,356
All doctors participating
in today's house calls,
please report to the lobby.

1281
01:06:24,424 --> 01:06:25,559
"Get well soon

1282
01:06:25,659 --> 01:06:27,794
"from
Prime Minister
Clark MacDonald."

1283
01:06:27,894 --> 01:06:30,164
Anyone in need
of a free triple bypass,

1284
01:06:30,264 --> 01:06:32,366
please sign the bonus slip
in your room.

1285
01:06:32,466 --> 01:06:35,202
"Get well, get well,
feel good."

1286
01:06:35,302 --> 01:06:36,270
This is...

1287
01:06:39,173 --> 01:06:41,875
"Best wishes,
Gordon Lightfoot."

1288
01:06:42,076 --> 01:06:43,110
Ew!

1289
01:06:44,678 --> 01:06:45,679
HONEY: Ottawa!

1290
01:06:45,779 --> 01:06:46,646
MAN: Go, Fifi!

1291
01:06:49,149 --> 01:06:50,817
So, we're up and around,
are we?

1292
01:06:50,917 --> 01:06:54,088
And how are
we feeling today?

1293
01:06:54,121 --> 01:06:56,423
Aren't you two a little
young to be doctors?

1294
01:06:56,523 --> 01:06:59,093
Oh, we're not doctors.
We're candy stripers.

1295
01:06:59,193 --> 01:07:00,794
Our universal
health care system

1296
01:07:00,894 --> 01:07:03,330
has determined that
you don't actually
need a doctor until...

1297
01:07:03,430 --> 01:07:05,299
2006.

1298
01:07:05,399 --> 01:07:06,866
Until then,
we're here to see

1299
01:07:06,966 --> 01:07:09,136
that you're comfortable
and to give you, uh...

1300
01:07:10,003 --> 01:07:12,139
A kidney transplant.

1301
01:07:12,239 --> 01:07:14,541
No, that can't be right.

1302
01:07:14,641 --> 01:07:15,675
Check the paperwork.

1303
01:07:15,775 --> 01:07:16,910
Ow!

1304
01:07:17,111 --> 01:07:18,412
Oh! Oh!

1305
01:07:19,146 --> 01:07:20,447
Oh, Douglas!

1306
01:07:20,547 --> 01:07:21,515
* Born

1307
01:07:21,615 --> 01:07:23,117
* Born in the U.S.A.

1308
01:07:23,150 --> 01:07:24,151
* I was

1309
01:07:24,251 --> 01:07:27,254
* Born in the U.S.A.

1310
01:07:27,354 --> 01:07:28,288
* I was

1311
01:07:28,388 --> 01:07:30,690
* Born in the U.S.A.

1312
01:07:30,790 --> 01:07:31,858
* I was

1313
01:07:31,958 --> 01:07:33,827
* Born in the U.S.A.

1314
01:07:33,927 --> 01:07:35,028
* I was

1315
01:07:35,129 --> 01:07:37,797
* Born in the U.S.A.

1316
01:07:39,333 --> 01:07:42,636
* Born in the U.S.A.

1317
01:07:42,736 --> 01:07:44,738
* Dah, dah

1318
01:07:44,838 --> 01:07:46,773
* Dah, dah, dah, U.S.A. *

1319
01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:55,349
If you catch a cold,

1320
01:07:55,449 --> 01:07:57,951
there's some aspirin
in the cabinet.

1321
01:07:58,051 --> 01:08:01,155
And thanks for hanging on
to my American-made
assault weapons.

1322
01:08:06,460 --> 01:08:09,629
WOMAN ON INTERCOM:
Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-B.

1323
01:08:09,729 --> 01:08:10,664
Give me that.

1324
01:08:10,764 --> 01:08:14,968
* Oklahoma

1325
01:08:15,068 --> 01:08:18,705
* Oklahoma

1326
01:08:18,805 --> 01:08:20,607
* Oklahoma

1327
01:08:20,707 --> 01:08:23,610
[ humming ]

1328
01:08:25,745 --> 01:08:26,813
* Oklahoma

1329
01:08:26,913 --> 01:08:28,648
* Oklahoma

1330
01:08:28,748 --> 01:08:30,350
* Oklahoma

1331
01:08:30,450 --> 01:08:33,253
* Oklahoma *

1332
01:08:49,969 --> 01:08:51,871
Hey, it's okay.

1333
01:08:51,971 --> 01:08:53,307
It was just my toe.

1334
01:08:54,040 --> 01:08:54,908
(GUN FIRING)

1335
01:08:56,876 --> 01:08:58,978
(HARMONICA PLAYS OFFKEY)

1336
01:08:59,078 --> 01:09:01,215
(WOLF HOWLS)

1337
01:09:07,053 --> 01:09:08,888
All right.
That's enough, man.

1338
01:09:10,590 --> 01:09:13,227
You guys aren't thinking
about Honey at all, are you?

1339
01:09:15,128 --> 01:09:16,696
I'm worried sick.

1340
01:09:16,796 --> 01:09:18,532
Ever see
The Dirty Dozen?

1341
01:09:18,632 --> 01:09:19,499
That was a cool movie.

1342
01:09:19,599 --> 01:09:21,935
Man, that
was real cool.

1343
01:09:22,035 --> 01:09:23,270
Lee Marvin.

1344
01:09:23,370 --> 01:09:24,704
Charles Bronson.

1345
01:09:24,804 --> 01:09:26,240
Ernest Borgnine.

1346
01:09:26,306 --> 01:09:28,308
Jim Brown.

1347
01:09:28,408 --> 01:09:30,644
Telly Savalas,
Clint Walker.

1348
01:09:30,744 --> 01:09:31,911
Jim Brown.

1349
01:09:32,011 --> 01:09:33,980
Trini Lopez!
Cool.

1350
01:09:34,080 --> 01:09:36,950
Trini Lopez?
I never could
figure that one out.

1351
01:09:37,050 --> 01:09:39,253
What the hell was he doing
in The Dirty Dozen?

1352
01:09:39,319 --> 01:09:42,256
If I was putting together
a group of murderers
and cutthroats,

1353
01:09:42,322 --> 01:09:44,891
Trini Lopez would not
be in the starting lineup.

1354
01:09:44,991 --> 01:09:46,260
That's why he dies first.

1355
01:09:46,326 --> 01:09:47,661
Don't they all die?

1356
01:09:47,761 --> 01:09:48,962
No.
Jim Brown dies.

1357
01:09:49,062 --> 01:09:51,465
What do you expect?

1358
01:09:51,565 --> 01:09:53,099
Of all
The Dirty Dozen,
this black guy's

1359
01:09:53,267 --> 01:09:56,870
supposed to sneak in
behind enemy lines and
pretend he's a Kraut?

1360
01:09:56,970 --> 01:09:58,438
That's not it, man.

1361
01:09:58,538 --> 01:10:01,275
It's just the black guy
always dies.

1362
01:10:01,375 --> 01:10:04,711
Think about it, man.
Unforgiven.

1363
01:10:04,811 --> 01:10:05,879
Alien.

1364
01:10:05,979 --> 01:10:07,013
Rocky IV.

1365
01:10:07,113 --> 01:10:08,014
The Shining.

1366
01:10:08,114 --> 01:10:09,683
Star Trek II.

1367
01:10:09,783 --> 01:10:10,950
Forrest Gump.

1368
01:10:11,050 --> 01:10:12,286
Witness.

1369
01:10:12,386 --> 01:10:13,720
Annie Hall.

1370
01:10:13,820 --> 01:10:15,889
Not Annie Hall.

1371
01:10:15,989 --> 01:10:16,856
Night of the Living Dead.

1372
01:10:16,956 --> 01:10:18,392
That's the one!

1373
01:10:18,492 --> 01:10:20,260
And what about that brother
in Jurassic Park?

1374
01:10:20,360 --> 01:10:22,329
Oh, that was cool.

1375
01:10:22,429 --> 01:10:24,931
Two black guys died
in that one. A twofer!

1376
01:10:25,031 --> 01:10:28,435
You must be really
pissed off at that one.

1377
01:10:28,535 --> 01:10:29,503
I'm telling you, man,

1378
01:10:29,603 --> 01:10:31,471
the black guy
always dies first.

1379
01:10:40,714 --> 01:10:44,017
Oh, aw, man.

1380
01:10:44,117 --> 01:10:46,620
Hey. Don't worry,
Kabral.

1381
01:10:46,720 --> 01:10:48,922
You'll pass
for Canadian.

1382
01:10:53,793 --> 01:10:55,395
You really do need help.

1383
01:10:55,495 --> 01:10:58,231
Oh, I need help?
Yeah.

1384
01:10:58,332 --> 01:11:00,334
Knock it off with
this Dirty Dozen stuff.

1385
01:11:00,434 --> 01:11:02,168
Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?

1386
01:11:02,369 --> 01:11:05,805
Whoo!

1387
01:11:05,905 --> 01:11:10,810
That was a good movie.

1388
01:11:10,910 --> 01:11:13,513
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Welcome
to the Hacker Hellstorm,

1389
01:11:13,613 --> 01:11:17,016
your one-stop program
for total nuclear destruction.

1390
01:11:17,116 --> 01:11:20,354
Please enter
your pin code now.

1391
01:11:24,123 --> 01:11:29,829
You have
reached the Hellstorm
communications center.

1392
01:11:29,929 --> 01:11:34,601
Please choose
your missile launch sites
from your on-screen menu.

1393
01:11:41,908 --> 01:11:47,814
Establishing contact
with all U.S. launch sites.

1394
01:11:47,914 --> 01:11:52,085
American missiles
now under the control
of the Hacker Hellstorm.

1395
01:11:54,588 --> 01:11:59,158
Countdown ready to commence.

1396
01:11:59,258 --> 01:12:02,128
Hellstorm activated.

1397
01:12:02,228 --> 01:12:04,297
Thank God for technology.

1398
01:12:04,398 --> 01:12:08,502
12 hours to launch.

1399
01:12:08,602 --> 01:12:09,869
(ALARM HORN BLARES)

1400
01:12:19,746 --> 01:12:22,582
Any word
from Omega Force,
like where they are?

1401
01:12:22,682 --> 01:12:23,783
Hell, they...

1402
01:12:23,883 --> 01:12:26,085
(ALARM SOUNDS)
What the hell is that?

1403
01:12:26,185 --> 01:12:27,554
It's Def-Con 4, sir.

1404
01:12:27,654 --> 01:12:30,223
Just remind me.
What is Def-Con 4?

1405
01:12:30,323 --> 01:12:31,858
Defense condition 4, sir.

1406
01:12:31,958 --> 01:12:34,694
A nuclear attack
is imminent
or the opposite.

1407
01:12:34,794 --> 01:12:35,595
I'm not quite sure.
MAN: Imminent, Stu!

1408
01:12:35,695 --> 01:12:36,763
There you go, imminent.

1409
01:12:36,863 --> 01:12:37,864
Well,
can't we stop this?

1410
01:12:37,964 --> 01:12:41,501
The siren, sir,
or nuclear exchange?

1411
01:12:41,601 --> 01:12:42,769
Either one!

1412
01:12:42,869 --> 01:12:46,072
Sir, our missile
silos in southern Utah

1413
01:12:46,172 --> 01:12:48,107
have somehow
become activated.

1414
01:12:48,207 --> 01:12:51,044
PRESIDENT: Well,
who ordered that?
It wasn't me, was it?

1415
01:12:51,144 --> 01:12:52,779
No. I didn't order that.

1416
01:12:52,879 --> 01:12:54,448
Can't you stop this?

1417
01:12:54,481 --> 01:12:57,083
General Panzer,
where are those
missiles aimed?

1418
01:12:57,183 --> 01:12:59,586
Well, sir, uh...

1419
01:12:59,686 --> 01:13:02,922
Those ICBMs in
southern Utah are

1420
01:13:03,022 --> 01:13:05,459
directed at...

1421
01:13:05,559 --> 01:13:07,461
At Moscow, sir.

1422
01:13:07,561 --> 01:13:08,662
What?

1423
01:13:08,762 --> 01:13:11,965
Why would you aim
missiles at an ally?

1424
01:13:12,065 --> 01:13:14,468
Sir, it seems that
nearly all of our
missiles

1425
01:13:14,534 --> 01:13:18,938
are directed at targets in
the former Soviet Republics.

1426
01:13:19,038 --> 01:13:20,239
Why the hell is that?

1427
01:13:20,339 --> 01:13:21,641
With all due respect,
sir,

1428
01:13:21,741 --> 01:13:24,010
your boys
in Intelligence
never could decide

1429
01:13:24,110 --> 01:13:25,712
who was
a big enough threat

1430
01:13:25,812 --> 01:13:27,781
to point those
babies elsewhere.

1431
01:13:27,881 --> 01:13:30,016
Let me say, sir,

1432
01:13:30,116 --> 01:13:31,518
if one of
our birds lands

1433
01:13:31,618 --> 01:13:32,786
in the Russkies'
backyard,

1434
01:13:32,886 --> 01:13:34,521
plenty will
be landing in ours.

1435
01:13:39,693 --> 01:13:40,827
I have just arrived here

1436
01:13:40,927 --> 01:13:44,931
as part of the Pentagon
Press Corps.

1437
01:13:45,031 --> 01:13:47,901
There are some things
we will not be allowed
to show you.

1438
01:13:48,001 --> 01:13:52,238
But you can rest assured
that you will be getting

1439
01:13:52,338 --> 01:13:55,742
all of the information
you need to know.

1440
01:13:55,842 --> 01:13:57,310
I am standing here...

1441
01:13:57,511 --> 01:13:58,912
(BLEEP)

1442
01:13:59,012 --> 01:13:59,813
...in the middle of... (BLEEP)

1443
01:13:59,913 --> 01:14:01,180
And it is...

1444
01:14:01,280 --> 01:14:04,518
(BLEEP)

1445
01:14:04,584 --> 01:14:08,722
For those
of you with sons
and daughters up here,

1446
01:14:08,822 --> 01:14:10,824
I can only say that...

1447
01:14:10,924 --> 01:14:16,763
(BLEEP)

1448
01:14:16,863 --> 01:14:18,565
And that's about
the only thing

1449
01:14:18,665 --> 01:14:21,868
that has been going
wrong at this point.

1450
01:14:24,938 --> 01:14:27,807
MAN: The activation order
appears to be coming from
Canada.

1451
01:14:27,907 --> 01:14:30,610
How can Canada
activate our missiles?

1452
01:14:30,710 --> 01:14:32,311
Oh, shit.
The Hacker Hellstorm.

1453
01:14:32,411 --> 01:14:33,547
The what?
The Hacker Hellstorm.

1454
01:14:33,580 --> 01:14:35,114
Sir, it's a program
you canceled

1455
01:14:35,214 --> 01:14:36,883
when you tried to
balance the budget.

1456
01:14:36,983 --> 01:14:39,553
What is
the Hacker Hellstorm?

1457
01:14:39,653 --> 01:14:40,954
Vargo.

1458
01:14:41,054 --> 01:14:42,756
It's an
automatic nuclear
response system, sir.

1459
01:14:42,856 --> 01:14:46,159
It initiates a nuclear
counterstrike on its own.

1460
01:14:46,259 --> 01:14:48,962
I never liked it.
Took the fun out
of Armageddon.

1461
01:14:49,062 --> 01:14:50,564
I'm glad
they canceled
the son of a bitch.

1462
01:14:50,630 --> 01:14:52,331
How did Canada get it?

1463
01:14:52,431 --> 01:14:54,067
That's classified.

1464
01:14:54,167 --> 01:14:55,735
Classified?

1465
01:14:55,835 --> 01:14:57,837
I'm the President!

1466
01:14:57,937 --> 01:14:59,973
How did Canada get it,
Stu?

1467
01:15:00,073 --> 01:15:01,741
I want to talk to
Hacker right now!

1468
01:15:08,481 --> 01:15:10,016
ROY BOY: It's a vision.

1469
01:15:10,116 --> 01:15:11,585
My eyes.

1470
01:15:21,861 --> 01:15:24,030
There it is, men.
Toronto.

1471
01:15:24,130 --> 01:15:26,099
It's beautiful.

1472
01:15:26,199 --> 01:15:29,769
It's like
no other city
I've ever seen.

1473
01:15:29,869 --> 01:15:32,338
It's like Albany.

1474
01:15:32,438 --> 01:15:33,873
Only cleaner.

1475
01:15:54,393 --> 01:15:55,762
The Tower!

1476
01:16:04,771 --> 01:16:06,172
BOOMER:
That's Toronto, boys.

1477
01:16:06,272 --> 01:16:07,741
ROY BOY: Cool.

1478
01:16:08,842 --> 01:16:11,778
Wow!

1479
01:16:11,878 --> 01:16:14,881
ROY BOY:
Jeez, how do they
clean all those windows?

1480
01:16:14,981 --> 01:16:16,149
BOOMER:
Windex, dummy.

1481
01:16:22,055 --> 01:16:23,289
Where did they get
so many buildings?

1482
01:16:25,091 --> 01:16:26,660
It's eerie.

1483
01:16:26,726 --> 01:16:28,895
Where is everybody?
I don't like this.

1484
01:16:28,995 --> 01:16:29,996
Me neither.

1485
01:16:31,931 --> 01:16:33,032
There's a kid up there.

1486
01:16:36,235 --> 01:16:37,737
Hey, hey, kid.

1487
01:16:39,405 --> 01:16:40,974
Kid, where is everybody?

1488
01:16:41,074 --> 01:16:42,408
The Tower.

1489
01:16:42,508 --> 01:16:43,677
The Tower?

1490
01:16:43,743 --> 01:16:45,078
The Canadian National Tower.

1491
01:16:45,178 --> 01:16:47,981
Some crazy
American woman's
there with a big gun.

1492
01:16:48,081 --> 01:16:49,683
Oh, thanks.

1493
01:16:49,749 --> 01:16:52,786
Crazy American
lady with a gun.

1494
01:16:52,886 --> 01:16:55,121
It's Honey!
Come on, fellas, let's go.

1495
01:17:01,527 --> 01:17:04,263
MAN ON PA:
Attention, please.
Attention, please.

1496
01:17:04,363 --> 01:17:07,100
This is the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.

1497
01:17:07,200 --> 01:17:09,435
Would you come down
from the Tower, please?

1498
01:17:09,535 --> 01:17:12,105
HONEY: If you say "please"
one more time,

1499
01:17:12,205 --> 01:17:14,708
I'm going to let you
have it.

1500
01:17:20,546 --> 01:17:22,115
No, no, no.
I got that part.

1501
01:17:22,215 --> 01:17:24,784
What
I don't understand
is how the Canadians

1502
01:17:24,884 --> 01:17:28,321
have a fully functional
and operational Hellstorm.

1503
01:17:28,421 --> 01:17:31,825
I thought what I
sold them was not usable.

1504
01:17:31,925 --> 01:17:34,060
How the hell
did I let you
get me into this?

1505
01:17:34,160 --> 01:17:35,762
Stuey.

1506
01:17:35,862 --> 01:17:37,997
God Almighty.

1507
01:17:38,097 --> 01:17:41,200
Why do you
bother your head
with this kind of crap?

1508
01:17:41,300 --> 01:17:44,403
Maybe it's because
you're an only child.

1509
01:17:44,503 --> 01:17:47,306
Or maybe it's because
you're becoming irrelevant.

1510
01:17:47,406 --> 01:17:49,843
Now, calm down,
for Christ's sake.

1511
01:17:49,943 --> 01:17:51,244
Mmm-hmm.

1512
01:17:51,344 --> 01:17:53,446
The Canadians cannot
launch any missiles.

1513
01:17:53,546 --> 01:17:55,381
Only I can,

1514
01:17:55,481 --> 01:17:57,751
because I
have the codes,

1515
01:17:57,817 --> 01:17:59,318
all of them.

1516
01:17:59,418 --> 01:18:01,187
And I'm in control.

1517
01:18:01,287 --> 01:18:02,488
So, easy.

1518
01:18:02,588 --> 01:18:06,125
Missile countdown
has started in
Wyoming and Montana.

1519
01:18:06,225 --> 01:18:07,827
All right.
I want an answer.

1520
01:18:07,927 --> 01:18:09,395
Does Canada
have the power

1521
01:18:09,495 --> 01:18:11,564
to launch America's
nuclear weapons?

1522
01:18:11,664 --> 01:18:15,101
The Hacker Hellstorm
can do that and a lot more.

1523
01:18:16,502 --> 01:18:19,372
And if you hadn't
canceled that program,

1524
01:18:19,472 --> 01:18:22,208
the technology would
still be in American hands.

1525
01:18:22,308 --> 01:18:26,846
So you sold control
of American missiles
to a foreign country.

1526
01:18:26,946 --> 01:18:31,284
If you can call
Canada foreign.
Or a country.

1527
01:18:31,384 --> 01:18:33,019
When you canceled
that program,

1528
01:18:33,119 --> 01:18:34,420
you left me
standing there

1529
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:37,690
out of pocket
$500 million!

1530
01:18:37,791 --> 01:18:40,960
I got to make up on
a shortfall like that.

1531
01:18:41,060 --> 01:18:43,863
After all the billions
he's made on Uncle Sam.

1532
01:18:44,931 --> 01:18:46,833
In a decent,
God-fearing country,

1533
01:18:46,933 --> 01:18:49,668
I'd be allowed to beat
the two of you to death.

1534
01:18:49,803 --> 01:18:54,841
It's scum like you that make
a simple war all screwed up
and confusing.

1535
01:18:54,941 --> 01:18:58,711
It's people like us who keep
people like you in business.

1536
01:18:58,812 --> 01:19:01,614
MAN: We're now registering
missile activity in Nevada.

1537
01:19:01,714 --> 01:19:04,017
All right,
now I want to know

1538
01:19:04,117 --> 01:19:07,486
where exactly did
you install this,

1539
01:19:07,586 --> 01:19:08,922
this Hellstorm thing?

1540
01:19:09,022 --> 01:19:12,658
Ever run an old possum
up a tree, Mr. President?

1541
01:19:12,826 --> 01:19:15,194
He'll find the highest
branch he can.

1542
01:19:38,852 --> 01:19:41,754
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.

1543
01:19:41,855 --> 01:19:43,389
CANADIAN 1:
Oh, I'm sorry.

1544
01:19:43,489 --> 01:19:44,557
Excuse me.

1545
01:19:44,657 --> 01:19:46,926
Out of my way.
Out of my way.

1546
01:19:47,026 --> 01:19:48,127
CANADIAN 2: I'm sorry.

1547
01:19:48,227 --> 01:19:50,363
Out of my way.
Out of my way.

1548
01:19:50,463 --> 01:19:51,464
CANADIAN 3: I'm sorry.

1549
01:19:52,498 --> 01:19:54,300
All right.
You wait here.

1550
01:19:54,400 --> 01:19:56,435
I'll be right back.
Get out of my way.

1551
01:20:07,080 --> 01:20:08,047
Oh.

1552
01:20:28,434 --> 01:20:32,071
Now, you know that I
built Hellstorm number 1.

1553
01:20:32,171 --> 01:20:36,242
But what you don't know
is that I also built
Hellstorm number 2.

1554
01:20:36,342 --> 01:20:38,144
Two? What's that?
What's two?

1555
01:20:38,244 --> 01:20:40,846
It's to defend us
against Hellstorm 1.

1556
01:20:40,947 --> 01:20:44,283
Just in case an enemy
should ever acquire it.

1557
01:20:44,383 --> 01:20:47,286
I don't want to say that
it's pure genius, but...

1558
01:20:47,386 --> 01:20:49,255
No, no.
It's insane!

1559
01:20:49,355 --> 01:20:50,924
It's business.

1560
01:20:51,024 --> 01:20:54,693
And I can let you
have it immediately,
but it won't be cheap.

1561
01:20:54,928 --> 01:20:57,396
It won't be cheap?
How much will it be?

1562
01:20:57,496 --> 01:20:59,032
$1 trillion.

1563
01:21:00,133 --> 01:21:01,767
$1 trillion!

1564
01:21:01,935 --> 01:21:04,403
That includes
the cost overruns.

1565
01:21:04,503 --> 01:21:08,074
Mr. Hacker, you've got
Uncle Sam by the cojones.

1566
01:21:08,174 --> 01:21:10,309
Don't you have
any patriotism,
sir?

1567
01:21:11,577 --> 01:21:12,511
What about the Alamo?

1568
01:21:12,611 --> 01:21:14,047
The Halls of Montezuma?

1569
01:21:14,147 --> 01:21:16,082
The Sands of Iwo Jima?

1570
01:21:16,182 --> 01:21:18,251
The Guns of Navarone?

1571
01:21:18,351 --> 01:21:20,853
Didn't you ever
fantasize about
The Duke

1572
01:21:20,954 --> 01:21:22,555
in The Flying Leathernecks?

1573
01:21:22,655 --> 01:21:23,856
Huh?

1574
01:21:23,957 --> 01:21:25,758
I mean, fantasize
about being The Duke,

1575
01:21:25,858 --> 01:21:28,027
not fantasize
about The Duke.

1576
01:21:28,127 --> 01:21:29,762
You know what I mean,
sir?

1577
01:21:29,862 --> 01:21:32,298
WOMAN:
30 minutes to launch.

1578
01:21:40,106 --> 01:21:41,240
(ALARM BLARES)

1579
01:21:41,340 --> 01:21:42,508
Oh, God.

1580
01:21:44,377 --> 01:21:45,979
GENERAL: What have you
got there?

1581
01:21:53,619 --> 01:21:54,787
Oh, my God.

1582
01:21:54,988 --> 01:21:58,091
Mr. President, we have
a situation Uranus in
Utah.

1583
01:21:58,191 --> 01:22:00,393
They bumped their birds
up to T-minus 7.

1584
01:22:00,493 --> 01:22:03,229
This is terrible.
I didn't understand
a word of what he said.

1585
01:22:03,329 --> 01:22:05,698
He said
the missiles will
launch in seven minutes.

1586
01:22:05,798 --> 01:22:07,300
Oh, my God!

1587
01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:09,668
Mr. President, you got
six minutes and change.

1588
01:22:09,768 --> 01:22:11,670
This is a mistake
you do not want
to make!

1589
01:22:11,770 --> 01:22:14,007
Negotiate with him.
Give him what he wants!

1590
01:22:14,040 --> 01:22:15,508
I know.
Just give me a second.

1591
01:22:15,608 --> 01:22:18,911
Gentlemen, I intend
to put some shoe leather

1592
01:22:19,012 --> 01:22:21,247
between me
and ground zero.

1593
01:22:21,347 --> 01:22:24,317
Call me, Mr. President,
when you decide to give
me the money.

1594
01:22:24,417 --> 01:22:26,119
Wait a second.
Hold on one second.

1595
01:22:26,219 --> 01:22:27,820
I don't understand
something.

1596
01:22:27,920 --> 01:22:31,190
Why would the
Canadians try to start a war
between us and the Russians?

1597
01:22:31,290 --> 01:22:32,291
I don't get that.

1598
01:22:32,391 --> 01:22:33,426
Hacker!

1599
01:22:34,860 --> 01:22:36,629
Hacker! Hack...

1600
01:22:36,729 --> 01:22:39,898
Get me Intelligence.
I need Intelligence.

1601
01:22:40,033 --> 01:22:41,634
Canada's not launching
those missiles.

1602
01:22:41,734 --> 01:22:42,801
You are!

1603
01:22:42,901 --> 01:22:45,504
Give me the money,
then I'll turn it off.

1604
01:22:45,604 --> 01:22:47,373
Give me
the goddamn codes!

1605
01:22:49,675 --> 01:22:51,210
You son of a bitch,
you're through!

1606
01:22:54,780 --> 01:22:56,215
Oh, my God!

1607
01:22:59,552 --> 01:23:01,754
Guards!
Arrest Mr. Smiley!

1608
01:23:03,122 --> 01:23:05,058
Wait! I got the codes!

1609
01:23:05,124 --> 01:23:06,559
(MUFFLED SPEECH)

1610
01:23:08,661 --> 01:23:10,063
Mr. Hacker?

1611
01:23:10,163 --> 01:23:11,630
Mr. Hacker?

1612
01:23:11,730 --> 01:23:14,333
I think
this old possum
has bought the farm.

1613
01:23:14,433 --> 01:23:15,768
E-I-E-I-O.

1614
01:23:29,882 --> 01:23:31,084
CANADIAN 1: Oh, excuse me.

1615
01:23:31,150 --> 01:23:32,185
CANADIAN 2: Pardon me.

1616
01:23:32,285 --> 01:23:33,852
CANADIAN 3: Sorry.

1617
01:23:33,952 --> 01:23:35,154
CANADIAN 4: Oh!

1618
01:23:35,254 --> 01:23:36,289
Sorry!

1619
01:23:42,495 --> 01:23:46,132
Stu, Stu, Stu,
it really pains me
to see you this way.

1620
01:23:46,232 --> 01:23:48,234
Ah, who am I kidding?

1621
01:23:48,334 --> 01:23:50,136
We'll torture him later.
Get him out of here.

1622
01:23:51,637 --> 01:23:53,005
What about the Russians?

1623
01:23:53,106 --> 01:23:55,841
Call Moscow.
We've got to warn them.

1624
01:23:55,941 --> 01:23:57,810
Vladimir Krushkin.
He was in briefly
over lunch,

1625
01:23:57,910 --> 01:23:59,778
countercoup, he was out,
then reinstalled again.

1626
01:23:59,878 --> 01:24:01,280
As of supper,
he was still there.

1627
01:24:08,254 --> 01:24:10,923
Let me level
with you, sir.

1628
01:24:11,023 --> 01:24:12,791
I would destroy
any nation,

1629
01:24:12,891 --> 01:24:16,129
even my own,
if my president
gave the order.

1630
01:24:16,162 --> 01:24:18,131
So you just
say the word, sir,

1631
01:24:18,231 --> 01:24:20,733
and we'll do what
we should have done
in the first place.

1632
01:24:20,833 --> 01:24:24,237
We'll nuke the slimy
canuck bastards.

1633
01:24:24,337 --> 01:24:28,274
We'll wipe their frigid,
goddamned country
off the map.

1634
01:24:28,374 --> 01:24:31,144
I can't kill
America's neighbors.

1635
01:24:31,177 --> 01:24:33,146
I can.
I summer up there.

1636
01:24:33,779 --> 01:24:35,148
I understand, sir.

1637
01:24:35,181 --> 01:24:38,351
Mr. President, we've lost
contact with Omega Force.

1638
01:24:38,451 --> 01:24:39,652
Well, that's it.

1639
01:24:39,752 --> 01:24:41,920
Moscow is
about to light up

1640
01:24:42,020 --> 01:24:44,157
hotter than a pig roast
on flag day.

1641
01:24:44,257 --> 01:24:48,161
That'll certainly guarantee
a retaliatory gesture
against the United States.

1642
01:24:48,227 --> 01:24:49,362
No shit.

1643
01:24:55,601 --> 01:24:57,403
Get Prime Minister
MacDonald on the phone.

1644
01:24:57,503 --> 01:24:58,971
I'll give him
anything he wants.

1645
01:24:59,172 --> 01:25:00,939
Got to.

1646
01:25:01,039 --> 01:25:04,677
ELECTRONIC VOICE: This is
the Hacker Hellstorm
weather forecasting center.

1647
01:25:04,777 --> 01:25:08,647
1 minute, 50 seconds
to total annihilation.

1648
01:25:09,582 --> 01:25:12,185
Have a nice day.

1649
01:25:12,218 --> 01:25:16,189
Mr. Prime Minister,
I'm asking you to
stop it.

1650
01:25:17,456 --> 01:25:19,225
Now pay attention
to me, okay?

1651
01:25:19,325 --> 01:25:21,860
I'm talking about
the Hacker Hellstorm.

1652
01:25:21,960 --> 01:25:25,731
You got it,
and you've got
to turn it off.

1653
01:25:25,831 --> 01:25:29,001
Clark,
we can't turn it off.
Of course we've tried!

1654
01:25:29,101 --> 01:25:30,503
We can't turn it...

1655
01:25:31,637 --> 01:25:33,339
He's putting his wife on.

1656
01:25:33,439 --> 01:25:34,507
Hi.

1657
01:25:34,607 --> 01:25:36,209
(MUMBLES)

1658
01:25:36,242 --> 01:25:37,443
Ecoutez,

1659
01:25:38,644 --> 01:25:39,878
vous avez gagne.

1660
01:25:40,846 --> 01:25:41,880
Uh...

1661
01:25:43,216 --> 01:25:45,351
Fermez les "rockettes",
okay?

1662
01:25:47,453 --> 01:25:49,655
About two years
in high school

1663
01:25:49,755 --> 01:25:51,357
and about four years
in college.

1664
01:25:51,924 --> 01:25:52,825
Well, thank you.

1665
01:25:54,927 --> 01:25:59,232
ELECTRONIC VOICE: American
missiles will launch
in 1 minute and 30 seconds.

1666
01:26:09,775 --> 01:26:11,444
(ALARM HORN BLARES)

1667
01:26:32,164 --> 01:26:34,900
Oh! Oh! When will it end?

1668
01:26:35,000 --> 01:26:36,269
(GROANING)

1669
01:26:52,551 --> 01:26:55,354
Clark, are you
listening to me?

1670
01:26:55,454 --> 01:26:58,324
Don't launch the rockets.

1671
01:26:59,358 --> 01:27:00,759
Our rockets!
Don't launch them!

1672
01:27:00,859 --> 01:27:02,528
I'm giving up,
you understand?

1673
01:27:02,628 --> 01:27:05,964
Whatever you want,
you've got it!
You've won!

1674
01:27:06,064 --> 01:27:07,933
Don't play games
with me, Clark!
You won!

1675
01:27:19,144 --> 01:27:20,713
Canuck central!

1676
01:27:20,813 --> 01:27:23,215
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
T-minus 15 seconds.

1677
01:27:23,316 --> 01:27:24,917
(ALARM HORN BLARES)

1678
01:27:25,017 --> 01:27:27,586
(GASPS)
The canucks and Hacker?

1679
01:27:27,686 --> 01:27:29,655
10 seconds to launch.

1680
01:27:30,856 --> 01:27:32,525
Prepare to launch.

1681
01:27:37,496 --> 01:27:39,665
Clark, please!
We're running out of time!

1682
01:27:54,547 --> 01:27:55,481
That's my Honey.

1683
01:28:32,985 --> 01:28:35,554
Boomer!
Don't like heights.

1684
01:28:35,654 --> 01:28:37,390
We've got to get out of here.
Come on!

1685
01:28:42,628 --> 01:28:43,829
Step on it.

1686
01:28:47,065 --> 01:28:49,067
HONEY: Now, this is what
I call a health care system.

1687
01:29:03,616 --> 01:29:05,851
Look, Honey. Home.

1688
01:29:05,951 --> 01:29:06,819
Home.

1689
01:29:08,454 --> 01:29:09,688
The US of A.

1690
01:29:15,694 --> 01:29:16,762
HONEY:
Whoo! Let's go.

1691
01:30:13,285 --> 01:30:15,588
GUS: There it is!

1692
01:30:16,755 --> 01:30:18,090
Like I care!

1693
01:30:52,658 --> 01:30:55,728
BOOMER: We're going to
be there any minute now!
Oh, yeah! Trust me.

1694
01:31:04,570 --> 01:31:07,540
* Only in America

1695
01:31:07,606 --> 01:31:10,609
* Can a guy from anywhere

1696
01:31:10,709 --> 01:31:13,078
* Go to sleep a pauper

1697
01:31:13,178 --> 01:31:16,815
* And wake up
a millionaire *

1698
01:31:16,915 --> 01:31:19,885
* Only in America

1699
01:31:19,985 --> 01:31:23,088
* Can a kid
without a cent *

1700
01:31:23,188 --> 01:31:28,694
* Get a break and maybe
grow up to be president *

1701
01:31:29,628 --> 01:31:31,196
* Only in America

1702
01:31:32,565 --> 01:31:35,300
* Land of opportunity,
yeah *

1703
01:31:35,400 --> 01:31:37,603
* Could a boy
who's nothing *

1704
01:31:37,703 --> 01:31:42,808
* Be something
and be everything *

1705
01:31:44,577 --> 01:31:47,479
* Only in America

1706
01:31:47,580 --> 01:31:50,583
* Can a kid
who's washin' cars *

1707
01:31:50,683 --> 01:31:52,384
* Take a giant step

1708
01:31:52,484 --> 01:31:56,789
* And reach right up
and touch the stars *

1709
01:31:56,889 --> 01:31:59,592
* Only in America

1710
01:31:59,692 --> 01:32:02,861
* Could a dream
like this come true *

1711
01:32:02,961 --> 01:32:04,362
* Could a guy like me

1712
01:32:04,462 --> 01:32:08,200
* Start with nothing
and end up *

1713
01:32:08,300 --> 01:32:13,706
* Like you

1714
01:32:34,159 --> 01:32:35,828
* Only in America

1715
01:32:37,162 --> 01:32:39,798
* Land of opportunity,
yeah *

1716
01:32:39,898 --> 01:32:42,134
* Could a boy
who's nothing *

1717
01:32:42,234 --> 01:32:47,072
* Be something
and be everything *

1718
01:32:47,973 --> 01:32:50,843
* Be everything

1719
01:32:52,945 --> 01:32:54,713
* America

1720
01:32:56,048 --> 01:32:57,650
* America

1721
01:32:59,084 --> 01:33:00,753
* America

1722
01:33:02,087 --> 01:33:03,689
* America

1723
01:33:05,023 --> 01:33:06,725
* America *

1724
01:33:17,069 --> 01:33:21,439
* Beneath its snowy mantle
cold and clean *

1725
01:33:21,539 --> 01:33:23,375
* The unborn grass
lies waiting *

1726
01:33:23,475 --> 01:33:25,744
* For its gold to turn
to green *

1727
01:33:27,245 --> 01:33:31,684
* The snowbird sings the song
he always sings *

1728
01:33:31,784 --> 01:33:33,786
* And speaks to me
of flowers *

1729
01:33:33,886 --> 01:33:37,489
* That will bloom again
in Spring *

1730
01:33:37,589 --> 01:33:41,794
* When I was young
my heart was young then, too *

1731
01:33:41,894 --> 01:33:44,029
* And anything
that it would tell me *

1732
01:33:44,129 --> 01:33:46,031
* That's the thing
that I would do *

1733
01:33:47,866 --> 01:33:52,037
* But now I feel
such emptiness within *

1734
01:33:52,137 --> 01:33:54,807
* For the thing that I want
most in life's *

1735
01:33:54,907 --> 01:33:58,343
* The thing
that I can't win *

1736
01:33:58,443 --> 01:34:02,715
* Spread your tiny wings
and fly away *

1737
01:34:02,781 --> 01:34:04,783
* And take the snow
back with you *

1738
01:34:04,883 --> 01:34:07,019
* Where it came from
on that day *

1739
01:34:08,721 --> 01:34:12,624
* The one I loved forever
is untrue *

1740
01:34:12,725 --> 01:34:14,026
* And if I could

1741
01:34:14,126 --> 01:34:18,964
* You know that I would
fly away with you *

1742
01:34:19,064 --> 01:34:22,935
* The breeze along the river
seems to say *

1743
01:34:23,035 --> 01:34:25,503
* That he'll only
break my heart again *

1744
01:34:25,603 --> 01:34:27,840
* Should I decide to stay

1745
01:34:29,274 --> 01:34:33,511
* Spread your tiny wings
and fly away *

1746
01:34:33,611 --> 01:34:35,580
* And take the snow
back with you *

1747
01:34:35,748 --> 01:34:39,484
* Where it came from
on that day *

1748
01:34:39,584 --> 01:34:42,755
* The one I loved forever
is untrue *

1749
01:34:43,588 --> 01:34:44,823
* And if I could

1750
01:34:44,923 --> 01:34:48,961
* You know that I would
fly...*

1751
01:34:49,061 --> 01:34:53,799
* away with you *