1
00:02:35,708 --> 00:02:37,039
I was dreamin
2
00:02:38,377 --> 00:02:40,709
Dreamin my dick was out
and I was checking to see
3
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:44,113
if that infected bump on the head
of it had filled with pus again
4
00:02:44,183 --> 00:02:46,947
If it had. I was gonna name
that bump after my ex-wife Priscilla
5
00:02:47,019 --> 00:02:49,112
and bust it by jackin off
6
00:02:49,188 --> 00:02:50,246
Oh, man.
7
00:02:50,322 --> 00:02:52,153
Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do
8
00:02:53,059 --> 00:02:55,323
Dreams let you think like that
9
00:02:55,394 --> 00:02:59,854
Truth was. I hadn't had
a hard-on in years
10
00:03:22,755 --> 00:03:24,245
Oh, man.
11
00:03:56,222 --> 00:03:59,714
My God. Man
How long have I been here?
12
00:03:59,792 --> 00:04:03,284
Am I really awake now.
Or am I just dreamin I'm awake?
13
00:04:03,362 --> 00:04:06,525
How could my plans
have gone so wrong?
14
00:04:06,599 --> 00:04:08,760
When the hell are they
gonna serve lunch?
15
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:11,564
Considerin what they serve.
Why the hell do I care?
16
00:04:13,205 --> 00:04:17,039
If Priscilla discovered I was alive.
Would she come and see me?
17
00:04:17,109 --> 00:04:21,375
Would we still wanna fuck?
Or would we merely have to talk about it?
18
00:04:21,447 --> 00:04:23,176
Is there. Finally and really.
19
00:04:23,249 --> 00:04:26,582
Anything to life other than
food. Shit. And sex?
20
00:04:34,326 --> 00:04:35,987
We, goddamn it
21
00:04:38,831 --> 00:04:41,994
How could I have gone from
the "King of rock and roll" to this?
22
00:04:42,701 --> 00:04:46,364
Old guy in a rest home in East Texas
with a growth on his pecker
23
00:05:04,056 --> 00:05:06,581
And what is that growth. Man?
24
00:05:06,659 --> 00:05:09,389
Cancer? Nobody's talkin
25
00:05:09,995 --> 00:05:12,987
No one seems to know
or wants to
26
00:06:16,228 --> 00:06:18,890
Makes you wonder, doesn't it,
what kind of life this old guy had?
27
00:06:20,032 --> 00:06:23,866
What kind of life he had, you know.
His kids, his grandkids, his legacy.
28
00:06:23,936 --> 00:06:25,096
Look at him now.
29
00:06:25,170 --> 00:06:26,831
Oh, who gives a shit?
30
00:07:08,881 --> 00:07:10,212
Well...
31
00:07:21,093 --> 00:07:22,754
Make you comfortable.
32
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:29,430
No.
33
00:09:11,537 --> 00:09:14,097
I'm gonna squish you, cockroach!
34
00:10:18,303 --> 00:10:19,793
Help me.
35
00:11:11,156 --> 00:11:12,987
You know, I was thinkin...
36
00:11:13,058 --> 00:11:16,221
What? You gonna get
all weepy on me again?
37
00:11:16,295 --> 00:11:20,288
No. I was merely gonna suggest that you
use some of this here deodorizer
38
00:11:20,365 --> 00:11:23,857
and spray it on that corpse
because she's smellin pretty ripe.
39
00:11:27,573 --> 00:11:28,904
Good idea.
40
00:12:40,779 --> 00:12:42,076
Excuse me, miss?
41
00:12:43,582 --> 00:12:44,810
You gonna throw all that stuff out?
42
00:12:45,817 --> 00:12:46,875
Yeah.
43
00:12:46,952 --> 00:12:49,785
Could I have one
of them pictures of Bull?
44
00:12:50,289 --> 00:12:52,621
Maybe his... his Purple Heart?
45
00:12:53,492 --> 00:12:56,154
I mean,
he was pretty proud of that.
46
00:12:56,228 --> 00:12:59,925
And maybe that... that tin
of chocolates there?
47
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,331
I suppose.
48
00:13:08,473 --> 00:13:12,637
The revealin of her panties
wasn't intentional or unintentional
49
00:13:12,711 --> 00:13:14,201
She just didn't give a damn
50
00:13:14,279 --> 00:13:17,339
She saw me as so physically
and sexually non-threatenin.
51
00:13:17,416 --> 00:13:20,681
She didn't mind if I got
a bird's-eye view of her love nest
52
00:13:20,752 --> 00:13:23,482
It was the same to her
as a house cat sneakin a peek
53
00:13:24,556 --> 00:13:28,390
I felt my pecker flutteronce like
a pigeon havin a heart attack
54
00:13:29,127 --> 00:13:31,721
then it laid back down
and remained limp and still
55
00:13:32,397 --> 00:13:35,457
'Course. These days. Even a flutter
was kind of reassurin'
56
00:13:38,236 --> 00:13:39,567
- Here.
- Thank you.
57
00:13:39,638 --> 00:13:41,299
Say...
58
00:13:42,107 --> 00:13:43,369
Bull your kin?
59
00:13:43,442 --> 00:13:44,602
My daddy
60
00:13:47,012 --> 00:13:48,809
Never seen you here before.
61
00:13:49,614 --> 00:13:53,209
I've only been here once before.
When I checked him in.
62
00:13:54,252 --> 00:13:56,083
That's three years ago, wasn't it?
63
00:13:57,556 --> 00:13:58,887
You and him friends?
64
00:13:58,957 --> 00:14:02,154
No, we just roommates. I mean,
he never felt good enough to say much.
65
00:14:02,794 --> 00:14:05,957
I just hated to see what
was left of him go away so easy.
66
00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:10,699
Seemed like an all right guy.
67
00:14:10,769 --> 00:14:14,705
Mentioned you a lot.
You're... you're Callie, right?
68
00:14:14,773 --> 00:14:16,263
Yeah.
69
00:14:16,341 --> 00:14:18,673
Well... he was all right.
70
00:14:19,611 --> 00:14:21,806
But not enough so you'd
come and see him, though.
71
00:14:22,647 --> 00:14:26,139
Don't lay some guilt trip on me, mister.
I did what I could.
72
00:14:26,218 --> 00:14:29,881
I mean, if it hadn't been for Medicaid
or Medicare... whatever that stuff was...
73
00:14:29,955 --> 00:14:31,855
he'd have been
in some ditch somewhere.
74
00:14:34,359 --> 00:14:36,850
And I sure didn't have the money
to take care of him.
75
00:14:40,665 --> 00:14:41,996
My own daughter
76
00:14:42,667 --> 00:14:45,101
lost long ago to me
77
00:14:45,170 --> 00:14:48,105
if she knew I lived.
Would she come and see me?
78
00:14:48,173 --> 00:14:49,572
Woud she even ccae?
79
00:14:50,542 --> 00:14:54,034
You could've come and seen him.
They don't charge you for that.
80
00:14:54,746 --> 00:14:56,145
Mind your own business.
81
00:14:57,582 --> 00:14:59,072
I was busy.
82
00:15:14,099 --> 00:15:17,796
Well, well, well.
If it isn't my favorite patient.
83
00:15:17,869 --> 00:15:19,860
How are you this morning, Mr. Haff?
84
00:15:19,938 --> 00:15:21,599
I'm all right.
85
00:15:21,673 --> 00:15:25,074
But I prefer Mr. Presley or Elvis.
I keep tellin you that.
86
00:15:25,143 --> 00:15:27,634
I don't go by
Sebastian Haff anymore, okay?
87
00:15:28,246 --> 00:15:29,975
I'm not tryin to hide anymore.
88
00:15:30,048 --> 00:15:32,983
Well, of course I knew that.
I forgot.
89
00:15:33,051 --> 00:15:35,383
Good morning, Elvis.
90
00:15:37,289 --> 00:15:41,020
Did you know we have
a celebrity here, Miss Thomas?
91
00:15:41,092 --> 00:15:44,220
Elvis Presley. You know,
the rock and roll singer.
92
00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:47,391
I thought he was dead.
93
00:15:48,733 --> 00:15:52,396
Well, actually, Elvis is dead.
Mr. Haff knows that. Don't you, Mr. Haff?
94
00:15:52,471 --> 00:15:55,736
Hell, no. I'm right here.
I ain't dead.
95
00:15:55,807 --> 00:15:57,604
Yet.
96
00:15:57,676 --> 00:16:00,509
Now, Mr. Haff!
97
00:16:00,579 --> 00:16:03,241
I don't mind calling you "Elvis."
98
00:16:03,315 --> 00:16:06,148
But you're a little confused
and you like to play sometimes.
99
00:16:06,218 --> 00:16:11,087
You were an
Elvis impersonator, remember?
100
00:16:13,124 --> 00:16:16,093
You fell off the stage
and broke your hip... when was it?
101
00:16:16,161 --> 00:16:17,651
Twenty years ago.
102
00:16:17,729 --> 00:16:21,563
It got infected and you were
in a coma for quite a while.
103
00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:25,967
You came out with a few...
problems.
104
00:16:28,273 --> 00:16:32,004
Look, I was just impersonatin myself.
I couldn't do nothin else.
105
00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:33,408
I don't have any problems.
106
00:16:33,478 --> 00:16:35,571
You're tryin to say
my brain's messed up, aren't you?
107
00:16:35,647 --> 00:16:38,138
Why would you
wanna be somebody else?
108
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:40,310
I got tired of it.
109
00:16:41,219 --> 00:16:43,210
I was hooked on pills, you know.
110
00:16:43,288 --> 00:16:44,880
I wanted out.
111
00:16:44,956 --> 00:16:47,686
And this boy Sebastian Haff...
he was an Elvis imitator.
112
00:16:47,759 --> 00:16:50,592
He was the best of 'em.
He took my place.
113
00:16:51,329 --> 00:16:53,058
Problem is, he had a bad heart.
114
00:16:53,899 --> 00:16:56,231
He liked drugs, too.
Liked them more than I did.
115
00:16:56,301 --> 00:17:00,328
So it was him that died, not me.
I just took his place.
116
00:17:00,872 --> 00:17:04,273
But why would you want
to leave all that fame. Mr Presley?
117
00:17:04,943 --> 00:17:06,934
All that money?
118
00:17:07,012 --> 00:17:09,344
I don't know
'Cause they got old
119
00:17:12,951 --> 00:17:17,445
The woman I loved... Priscilla...
she was gone
120
00:17:17,522 --> 00:17:20,184
The rest of the women
were just women
121
00:17:21,793 --> 00:17:24,353
I mean. The music
wasn't mine anymore
122
00:17:24,429 --> 00:17:27,421
I wasn't even me anymore
Just this thing they made up
123
00:17:30,101 --> 00:17:31,432
And my friends
124
00:17:34,039 --> 00:17:35,870
'Well, they were sucking me dry
125
00:17:40,579 --> 00:17:43,241
So I took a little road trip
down to Nacogdoches
126
00:17:44,249 --> 00:17:48,242
to check out this Sebastian Haff
127
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:36,961
It's all right, boys.
Just wait here.
128
00:19:00,959 --> 00:19:02,119
Oh, my God.
129
00:19:06,765 --> 00:19:08,596
I didn't think you'd really...
130
00:19:30,689 --> 00:19:34,022
It's all right, boys.
Just another freak.
131
00:19:35,527 --> 00:19:36,687
Let's split.
132
00:19:49,574 --> 00:19:51,974
- Sorry, man.
- King, I got it. I got it.
133
00:19:52,043 --> 00:19:53,374
It's all yours, baby.
134
00:20:02,287 --> 00:20:05,154
So I signed everything
over to Sebastian
135
00:20:05,223 --> 00:20:08,715
Except for enough money
to sustain me if things got bad
136
00:20:08,793 --> 00:20:11,819
I was determined
to make myself a new life
137
00:20:11,896 --> 00:20:13,227
A better one
138
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:18,229
But me and Sebastian.
We had us a deal
139
00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:22,296
If I wanted to trade back. He'd let me
140
00:20:23,541 --> 00:20:25,532
It was all written up in the contract
141
00:20:26,611 --> 00:20:28,203
The thing was
142
00:20:28,279 --> 00:20:30,770
I lost my copy
in a barbeque accident
143
00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:33,675
But that wasn't so bad. Either
144
00:20:33,752 --> 00:20:36,915
I was makin new friends
and enjoyin myself
145
00:20:39,491 --> 00:20:40,651
Cheers!
146
00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:54,296
Oh, my God.
Did you see that thing?
147
00:20:57,742 --> 00:20:59,232
It just went up like that.
148
00:21:00,178 --> 00:21:03,375
- Now. Elvis
- Yes?
149
00:21:05,583 --> 00:21:07,642
Don't carry it too far.
150
00:21:07,719 --> 00:21:11,712
You may just get way out there
and not come back.
151
00:21:12,857 --> 00:21:14,347
Oh, fuck you.
152
00:21:16,361 --> 00:21:17,851
Shit.
153
00:21:17,929 --> 00:21:21,421
Get old, you can't even cuss
someone and have it bother 'em.
154
00:21:21,499 --> 00:21:25,492
Everything you do is either
worthless or sadly amusing.
155
00:21:26,237 --> 00:21:27,704
Well...
156
00:21:27,772 --> 00:21:29,603
I've got what I want.
157
00:21:30,475 --> 00:21:33,308
The clothes can go
to Goodwill or Salvation Army.
158
00:21:33,378 --> 00:21:38,008
Very well. And I'm sorry about
your father. He was a nice man.
159
00:21:38,082 --> 00:21:39,549
Yeah.
160
00:21:40,318 --> 00:21:42,309
It was nice to meet you, Mr. Presley.
161
00:21:42,387 --> 00:21:44,582
- Get the hell out.
- Now, now.
162
00:21:45,924 --> 00:21:51,794
I'll be back later to do that little... thing
that has to be done. You know.
163
00:21:56,434 --> 00:21:57,492
Elvis!
164
00:22:08,179 --> 00:22:09,339
Poor Bull.
165
00:22:11,349 --> 00:22:15,513
In the end...
does anything really matter?
166
00:22:19,691 --> 00:22:21,682
No one here ever listened to me
167
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:26,763
Except this one guy
only. He was certifiable
168
00:22:26,831 --> 00:22:29,026
That's where they took
a piece of my brain.
169
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:32,558
They got it back in D.C.
In that goddamn jar.
170
00:22:34,505 --> 00:22:37,565
I got a little bag of sand
up there now.
171
00:22:38,643 --> 00:22:41,134
Jack... no offense, but...
172
00:22:42,213 --> 00:22:44,147
President Kennedy was a white man.
173
00:22:44,215 --> 00:22:46,206
That's how clever they are!
174
00:22:46,284 --> 00:22:49,276
They dyed me this color.
All over!
175
00:22:49,354 --> 00:22:52,755
Can you think of a better way
to hide the truth than that?
176
00:23:51,215 --> 00:23:52,876
I was livin simple
177
00:23:54,085 --> 00:23:55,780
The way Haff had been
178
00:23:55,853 --> 00:23:58,845
Going from town to town
doin the Elvis act
179
00:23:59,757 --> 00:24:02,157
Only. I felt like I
was really me again
180
00:24:02,226 --> 00:24:03,557
Can you dig that?
181
00:24:03,628 --> 00:24:06,893
We're diggin it, Mr. Haff...
Mr. Presley.
182
00:24:44,902 --> 00:24:46,392
Women were
throwin themselves at me
183
00:24:46,471 --> 00:24:48,405
'cause they could imagine I was Elvis
184
00:24:48,473 --> 00:24:52,341
Only. I was Elvis playing
Sebastian Haff playing Elvis
185
00:24:52,410 --> 00:24:53,900
It was all pretty good
186
00:24:53,978 --> 00:24:56,071
I didn't mind the contract
being burned up
187
00:24:56,147 --> 00:24:58,308
Didn't even try to go back
and convince anybody
188
00:25:00,518 --> 00:25:02,145
Then I had the accident
189
00:25:02,220 --> 00:25:05,451
I was gyratin. See. Takin care business.
And then my hip went out
190
00:25:07,091 --> 00:25:08,820
I'd been havin trouble with it
191
00:25:25,676 --> 00:25:27,473
Damn. It's cold in here tonight.
192
00:25:38,356 --> 00:25:41,519
No way. That's it.
This time, I make it.
193
00:25:42,627 --> 00:25:45,027
No more piss or crap
in the bed.
194
00:26:10,688 --> 00:26:12,019
Shake it out...
195
00:26:21,933 --> 00:26:23,264
There we go.
196
00:26:57,201 --> 00:27:01,399
Man... that is one
big bitch cockroach.
197
00:27:34,105 --> 00:27:35,367
All right, man. Let's go.
198
00:27:44,382 --> 00:27:45,872
Damn.
199
00:27:49,921 --> 00:27:51,650
Hot damn!
200
00:28:20,718 --> 00:28:23,050
Got you, you six-legged bastard.
201
00:29:04,028 --> 00:29:07,691
Even a big bitch cockroach
like you should know...
202
00:29:09,066 --> 00:29:13,560
Never... but never fuck with the King.
203
00:29:31,789 --> 00:29:34,952
Hey! Is anybody out here?
204
00:29:39,730 --> 00:29:42,563
I think we got some major
bug problems in this place, man!
205
00:30:49,867 --> 00:30:51,801
Oh, man...
206
00:30:53,371 --> 00:30:54,429
Hey, Jack?
207
00:31:06,250 --> 00:31:07,581
Hey, man, you okay?
208
00:31:14,592 --> 00:31:17,083
What the Sam Hill is that?
209
00:31:20,498 --> 00:31:21,658
Mr. Kennedy?
210
00:31:28,806 --> 00:31:31,969
Hey, man...
you're on the floor.
211
00:31:33,377 --> 00:31:34,605
No shit.
212
00:31:35,946 --> 00:31:37,174
Who are you?
213
00:31:38,182 --> 00:31:39,342
Look, I'm...
214
00:31:40,718 --> 00:31:43,778
Sebastian. Sebastian Haff.
215
00:31:44,588 --> 00:31:47,182
Did you see him go by in the hall?
216
00:31:48,492 --> 00:31:50,653
He scuttled like.
217
00:31:51,462 --> 00:31:54,124
- Who, man?
- The one they sent.
218
00:31:55,065 --> 00:31:58,523
- Who's "they"?
- Oh, you know who.
219
00:31:58,602 --> 00:32:00,331
No, Jack, I don't.
Come on, man.
220
00:32:02,306 --> 00:32:04,137
Lyndon Johnson.
221
00:32:04,208 --> 00:32:05,698
Castro, maybe.
222
00:32:05,776 --> 00:32:08,768
They sent somebody to finish me off.
223
00:32:08,846 --> 00:32:12,009
I think maybe it was Johnson himself.
224
00:32:12,082 --> 00:32:16,109
Real ugly.
Real goddamn ugly!
225
00:32:16,187 --> 00:32:18,451
Look, man,
President Johnson's dead.
226
00:32:18,522 --> 00:32:22,014
Shit. That ain't gonna stop him.
227
00:32:27,231 --> 00:32:28,391
Get his feet.
228
00:32:34,405 --> 00:32:36,464
So, you say you heard a... a noise?
229
00:32:37,575 --> 00:32:40,408
Well, a sound's a sound, you know?
I mean, I heard something.
230
00:32:40,478 --> 00:32:44,881
It was like a... I don't know.
Like a... like a scuttling.
231
00:32:44,949 --> 00:32:47,474
- A scuttling sound?
- Yes, sir.
232
00:32:48,385 --> 00:32:52,378
Were you awake or were you
in bed when you heard this noise?
233
00:32:52,456 --> 00:32:56,290
I was in bed first, then I was awake
'cause the damn bugs woke me up.
234
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:58,191
You got bugs all over this place.
235
00:32:59,363 --> 00:33:04,062
Bugs... well, Mr. Haff, what kind
of bugs have you been seeing?
236
00:33:04,134 --> 00:33:06,534
Look, do I look like
an ichthyologist to you?
237
00:33:06,604 --> 00:33:07,764
Big damn bugs, all right?
238
00:33:07,838 --> 00:33:11,001
The size of my fist. The size
of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
239
00:33:11,075 --> 00:33:13,407
What do I care?
I got a growth on my pecker.
240
00:33:13,477 --> 00:33:15,638
Okay, Mr. Haff.
Don't worry about a thing.
241
00:33:15,713 --> 00:33:19,149
We'll call the exterminator tomorrow
and we'll take care of the problem.
242
00:33:19,216 --> 00:33:21,047
Good. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
243
00:33:42,573 --> 00:33:44,803
It's time for that little thing again.
244
00:34:14,071 --> 00:34:17,632
A doll like this handlin me
without warmth or emotion
245
00:34:17,708 --> 00:34:19,699
Twenty years ago
Just twenty. Man
246
00:34:19,777 --> 00:34:23,440
I could've made with the curly-lip smile
and had here atin out of my asshole
247
00:34:24,048 --> 00:34:28,781
Doctor says this cream
ought to do the trick.
248
00:34:28,852 --> 00:34:31,013
Corticosteroids.
249
00:34:31,088 --> 00:34:34,819
Should heal the inflammation,
stop the pus.
250
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:37,918
Whee'd my youth go?
251
00:34:39,263 --> 00:34:42,198
Why didn't fame
hold off old age and death?
252
00:34:42,266 --> 00:34:44,928
Why the hell did I leave
the fame in the first place?
253
00:34:45,002 --> 00:34:46,663
Do I want it back?
Could I have it back?
254
00:34:46,737 --> 00:34:50,229
And if I could
would it make any damn difference?
255
00:35:11,895 --> 00:35:14,386
Mr. Haff!
256
00:35:21,105 --> 00:35:22,970
Lord almighty
257
00:35:24,208 --> 00:35:27,302
You old rascal.
258
00:35:29,580 --> 00:35:33,038
I think you better take
a cold shower, Mr. Haff.
259
00:35:33,817 --> 00:35:37,617
There'd been two presidential elections
since I had a boner like that one
260
00:35:37,688 --> 00:35:39,178
WWhat ga ve hee?
261
00:35:39,256 --> 00:35:41,156
Then I realized what gave
262
00:35:41,225 --> 00:35:43,420
I was thinkin about something
that interested me
263
00:35:43,494 --> 00:35:45,553
Not my next meal
orgoin to the crapper
264
00:35:46,330 --> 00:35:48,662
I'd been given a dose of life again
265
00:35:53,270 --> 00:35:55,636
You get in there with me,
I'll take that shower.
266
00:35:55,706 --> 00:35:58,197
You silly thing.
267
00:35:58,275 --> 00:36:00,835
Come on, now.
Why don't you pull on it a little?
268
00:36:02,613 --> 00:36:04,877
You ought to be ashamed.
269
00:36:38,882 --> 00:36:43,080
Where at? Where at?
270
00:36:43,153 --> 00:36:44,381
I haven't seen my kids.
271
00:36:44,455 --> 00:36:45,615
It's an ambush!
272
00:36:48,092 --> 00:36:51,220
Under the bridge.
I saw him under the bridge.
273
00:36:52,463 --> 00:36:55,330
It's an ambush!
Tonto, my boots, Tonto!
274
00:36:55,399 --> 00:36:59,130
That's my friend Kemosabe
We used to play cards together
275
00:36:59,203 --> 00:37:02,195
- My boots!
- Now he doesn't even know who I am
276
00:38:00,564 --> 00:38:01,724
Daddy.
277
00:38:06,837 --> 00:38:07,997
Baby?
278
00:38:15,112 --> 00:38:18,946
Sebastian. Sebastian! It's loose!
279
00:38:19,016 --> 00:38:20,176
What's loose?
280
00:38:20,250 --> 00:38:21,842
Lt. Listen.
281
00:38:32,296 --> 00:38:34,890
Jesus Christ. What's that?
282
00:38:34,965 --> 00:38:37,934
I thought it was Lyndon Johnson,
but I was wrong.
283
00:38:38,001 --> 00:38:41,562
I've come across new evidence
to suggest another assassin.
284
00:38:43,207 --> 00:38:44,367
Assassin?
285
00:38:44,441 --> 00:38:47,035
He's after another target tonight.
286
00:38:47,110 --> 00:38:49,010
Come on, I wanna show you something.
287
00:38:49,079 --> 00:38:51,547
I don't think it's safe
if you go back to sleeping.
288
00:38:51,615 --> 00:38:54,243
For chrissake, man.
Just tell the administrators.
289
00:38:55,819 --> 00:38:58,913
Suits and white starches?
No, thank you!
290
00:38:58,989 --> 00:39:03,289
I trusted them when I was back in Dallas,
and look where they got my brain and me.
291
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:06,352
I'm thinkin' with sand here.
292
00:39:06,430 --> 00:39:09,593
I mean, I pick up some waves,
maybe, from my brain,
293
00:39:09,666 --> 00:39:11,497
but somheday, who khows
294
00:39:11,568 --> 00:39:14,731
Somebody might just disconnect
the battery at the White House.
295
00:39:14,805 --> 00:39:17,968
Oh, yeah. That's something
to worry about, all right.
296
00:39:20,677 --> 00:39:22,907
Listen here. Listen.
297
00:39:22,980 --> 00:39:24,811
I know you're Elvis.
298
00:39:32,356 --> 00:39:37,020
There was a rumor, you know,
that you hated me.
299
00:39:37,094 --> 00:39:38,493
But I thought about that.
300
00:39:41,031 --> 00:39:44,023
If you hated me, you could've
finished me off the other night.
301
00:39:45,869 --> 00:39:49,703
What I want from you is
that you look me straight in the eye
302
00:39:49,773 --> 00:39:54,938
and assure me you had nothing
at all to do with that day in Dallas,
303
00:39:55,012 --> 00:39:59,073
and that you did not know
Lee Harvey Oswald or Jack Ruby.
304
00:40:06,890 --> 00:40:08,551
Look, man...
305
00:40:08,625 --> 00:40:10,786
I had nothing to do with Dallas.
306
00:40:10,861 --> 00:40:14,422
And I knew neither
Lee Harvey Oswald nor Jack Ruby.
307
00:40:15,265 --> 00:40:19,998
Good. May I call you Elvis
instead of Sebastian?
308
00:40:20,671 --> 00:40:21,865
You may.
309
00:40:21,939 --> 00:40:23,429
Excellent.
310
00:40:23,507 --> 00:40:25,168
You wear glasses to read?
311
00:40:25,242 --> 00:40:27,733
Well, I wear glasses
when I really want to see.
312
00:40:27,811 --> 00:40:29,802
Get them. Come on.
313
00:40:34,918 --> 00:40:37,409
Come on.
Right down the hall.
314
00:40:39,990 --> 00:40:42,458
The walker was
swingin along easier now
315
00:40:42,526 --> 00:40:43,857
Not even like I needed it
316
00:40:44,661 --> 00:40:46,822
Damn. This here Jack was a nut
317
00:40:47,564 --> 00:40:49,555
Maybe I was nuts. Too
318
00:40:49,633 --> 00:40:51,863
but there was
an adventure goin on
319
00:40:51,935 --> 00:40:53,027
It's in here.
320
00:40:59,710 --> 00:41:00,768
In here.
321
00:41:12,489 --> 00:41:13,820
That's it?
322
00:41:13,890 --> 00:41:17,451
We're investigating a scuttling in the hall,
trying to figure out who attacked you,
323
00:41:17,527 --> 00:41:20,360
and you bring me here to look
at stick pictures on the shit house wall?
324
00:41:20,430 --> 00:41:21,954
Look close.
325
00:41:41,451 --> 00:41:42,611
It's Egyptian.
326
00:41:42,686 --> 00:41:44,085
Right-a-reen-o.
327
00:41:44,154 --> 00:41:48,090
Hey, you're not as stupid
as some folks made you out.
328
00:41:48,158 --> 00:41:53,118
- Thank you.
- Now, I copied this down yesterday.
329
00:41:53,196 --> 00:41:57,724
I came in here to take a shit because
they hadn't cleaned up my bathroom.
330
00:41:57,801 --> 00:42:01,134
Saw that on the wall,
took it back to my room,
331
00:42:01,204 --> 00:42:03,900
looked it up in my books,
and I wrote it all down.
332
00:42:03,974 --> 00:42:09,970
Now, this top line
translates roughly into,
333
00:42:10,047 --> 00:42:13,881
"Pharaoh gobbles donkey goobers."
334
00:42:13,950 --> 00:42:18,444
And the bottom line,
"Cleopatra does the nasty."
335
00:42:18,522 --> 00:42:19,580
Say what?
336
00:42:19,656 --> 00:42:22,386
Well, pretty much.
That's the best I can translate it.
337
00:42:23,493 --> 00:42:26,985
All right, so, one of the nuts in here...
present company excluded...
338
00:42:27,064 --> 00:42:29,897
thinks he's Tutankhamen,
comes in here, writes hieroglyphics.
339
00:42:29,966 --> 00:42:33,060
Big deal! What's the connection?
Why are we standin here in the toilet?
340
00:42:33,136 --> 00:42:36,537
Well, I don't know what
the connection is, exactly... not yet.
341
00:42:36,606 --> 00:42:40,201
But that thing
caught me asleep last night.
342
00:42:40,277 --> 00:42:42,768
And I came awake just in time.
343
00:42:42,846 --> 00:42:44,575
He had me on the floor.
344
00:42:44,648 --> 00:42:48,345
I had his mouth over my asshole.
345
00:42:48,418 --> 00:42:49,578
A shit-eater?
346
00:42:49,653 --> 00:42:51,143
I don't think so.
347
00:42:51,221 --> 00:42:53,951
He was after my soul.
348
00:42:54,024 --> 00:42:57,892
Now, you can get that out of any
major orifice of a person's body.
349
00:42:57,961 --> 00:42:59,019
I read about it.
350
00:42:59,096 --> 00:43:01,155
Yeah? Where, man? Hustler?
351
00:43:01,231 --> 00:43:05,167
The Everyday Man Or Woman's
Book of the Soul by David Webb.
352
00:43:05,235 --> 00:43:07,465
And they got pretty good
movie reviews in there
353
00:43:07,537 --> 00:43:10,472
about stolen soul movies
in the back.
354
00:43:10,540 --> 00:43:12,565
Come on. I'll show you.
355
00:44:11,868 --> 00:44:16,430
I think that there might be some sort
of electrical problem in the gardener's shed.
356
00:44:16,506 --> 00:44:19,441
That light...
looks like it's shortin out.
357
00:44:19,509 --> 00:44:22,103
This whole damn place is fallin apart.
358
00:44:22,179 --> 00:44:24,340
But you don't have to think about that.
359
00:44:24,414 --> 00:44:27,406
Mrs. Biddlestein is waitin
on her enema.
360
00:44:28,451 --> 00:44:31,352
All right. All right. I'm comin.
361
00:44:33,390 --> 00:44:36,450
Just let me finish my cigarette, first.
362
00:44:37,394 --> 00:44:38,554
God.
363
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:32,175
Here's an ugly son of a bitch.
364
00:45:41,925 --> 00:45:44,519
Damn! Hey, Jack.
365
00:45:44,594 --> 00:45:47,757
What it says here
is that you can bury some dude,
366
00:45:47,831 --> 00:45:52,825
and if he gets the right tanna leaves
and spells said over him and such bullshit,
367
00:45:52,902 --> 00:45:56,235
that he can come back to life
thousands of years later, man.
368
00:45:56,973 --> 00:45:58,031
But hold on, now.
369
00:45:58,108 --> 00:46:01,874
To stay alive, he has to suck
on the souls of the livin,
370
00:46:01,945 --> 00:46:05,608
and that if the souls are small,
his life force doesn't last long.
371
00:46:06,383 --> 00:46:08,544
Small.
What's that mean?
372
00:46:08,618 --> 00:46:11,109
Read on.
No, never mind.
373
00:46:11,187 --> 00:46:12,848
I'll tell you myself.
374
00:46:13,590 --> 00:46:16,388
But first,
would you like a Ding Dong?
375
00:46:17,794 --> 00:46:19,284
I don't mean mine.
376
00:46:20,163 --> 00:46:21,824
I mean a chocolate Ding Dong.
377
00:46:22,699 --> 00:46:26,157
Of course, mine would be chocolate
now that I have been dyed.
378
00:46:26,236 --> 00:46:27,760
You got Ding Dongs, man?
379
00:46:28,905 --> 00:46:31,897
I got Paydays
and I got a box of Baby Ruths.
380
00:46:31,975 --> 00:46:33,306
Oh, mama!
381
00:46:35,145 --> 00:46:38,740
Which will it be?
Let's get decadent.
382
00:46:39,749 --> 00:46:41,011
I'll take a Baby Ruth.
383
00:46:43,753 --> 00:46:45,220
All right.
384
00:46:47,057 --> 00:46:50,424
Now... small souls...
385
00:46:51,461 --> 00:46:55,124
are those that don't have
much fire for life.
386
00:46:55,198 --> 00:46:56,665
You know a place like that?
387
00:46:56,733 --> 00:47:00,726
Man, if souls were fires,
they couldn't burn much lower than in here.
388
00:47:00,804 --> 00:47:02,567
Exactamundo.
389
00:47:02,639 --> 00:47:07,975
What we have here at Shady Rest
is an Egyptian soul sucker of some sort.
390
00:47:08,044 --> 00:47:10,535
You know, a mummy hiding out.
391
00:47:10,613 --> 00:47:14,105
Coming in here,
feeding on the sleeping.
392
00:47:14,184 --> 00:47:16,345
It's perfect, you see?
393
00:47:16,419 --> 00:47:20,082
We're small souls,
so we can't provide him much.
394
00:47:20,757 --> 00:47:25,160
But if that thing comes back
two or three times in a row
395
00:47:25,228 --> 00:47:29,927
and wraps his lips
around some elder's asshole,
396
00:47:29,999 --> 00:47:33,730
that elder is going to die pretty soon.
397
00:47:33,803 --> 00:47:36,169
And who would be the wiser?
398
00:47:56,159 --> 00:47:57,490
Asshole.
399
00:47:59,529 --> 00:48:02,896
A mummy can't be getting
too much energy from all this...
400
00:48:02,966 --> 00:48:07,096
not like with big souls...
but the prey is easy.
401
00:48:07,637 --> 00:48:12,131
With new people comin' all the time, he can
keep this up forever... this soul robbin.
402
00:48:12,208 --> 00:48:13,937
That's what they
brought us here for...
403
00:48:14,010 --> 00:48:16,604
to get us out of the way
until we die.
404
00:48:16,679 --> 00:48:22,515
And those who don't die first from
disease or just plain being old, he gets.
405
00:48:23,086 --> 00:48:26,920
Look, that's all well and good, Jack,
but there's one thing that still throws me.
406
00:48:28,024 --> 00:48:32,120
How does an ancient Egyptian
wind up in an East Texas rest home,
407
00:48:32,195 --> 00:48:35,426
and why is he writin
on the shit house walls, man?
408
00:48:35,498 --> 00:48:37,989
Well, he went in to take a crap,
409
00:48:38,067 --> 00:48:40,934
got bored,
started writing on the walls.
410
00:48:41,004 --> 00:48:44,405
He probably wrote
on pyramid walls centuries ago.
411
00:48:44,474 --> 00:48:47,443
Come on. What would he crap?
It's not like he'd eat.
412
00:48:47,510 --> 00:48:49,671
Well, he eats souls.
413
00:48:49,746 --> 00:48:53,512
So, I assume
that he would crap soul residue.
414
00:48:53,583 --> 00:48:57,485
By that, I would mean
that if you die from his mouth,
415
00:48:57,554 --> 00:49:00,546
you don't go to the other side
where the souls go.
416
00:49:00,623 --> 00:49:05,720
He digests souls
until they don't exist anymore.
417
00:49:05,795 --> 00:49:09,629
And you're just so much
toilet water decoration.
418
00:49:09,699 --> 00:49:12,065
And speaking of toilets...
419
00:49:12,135 --> 00:49:15,593
This is how I figured
that whole thing out.
420
00:49:16,473 --> 00:49:19,704
He's just like anybody else
when it comes to taking a dump.
421
00:49:19,776 --> 00:49:22,267
He wants a nice,
clean place with a flush.
422
00:49:22,345 --> 00:49:24,176
They didn't have that in his time.
423
00:49:48,071 --> 00:49:50,130
No, no.
Don't go out in the hall.
424
00:49:50,206 --> 00:49:54,006
- That's all right. I'm not asleep.
- That don't mean he won't hurt you.
425
00:49:54,077 --> 00:49:57,638
"He" my ass. There isn't
any mummy from Egypt.
426
00:50:01,684 --> 00:50:03,743
Nice knowin you, Elvis.
427
00:52:25,762 --> 00:52:26,922
Asshole.
428
00:53:34,330 --> 00:53:37,663
Kemosabe was dead of a ruptured heart
before he hit the floor
429
00:53:40,470 --> 00:53:42,961
Gone down and out
with both guns blazing
430
00:53:43,673 --> 00:53:46,073
Soul intact
431
00:53:50,179 --> 00:53:52,443
Once again. We got scolded
432
00:53:54,517 --> 00:53:57,452
This time. We got quizzed about
what had happened to Kemosabe.
433
00:53:57,520 --> 00:53:59,920
But neitherof us told the truth
434
00:54:01,524 --> 00:54:03,685
I mean. Who was gonna believe
a couple of nuts?
435
00:54:04,961 --> 00:54:06,792
Elvis and Jack Kennedy explaining
436
00:54:06,863 --> 00:54:09,923
that Kemosabe was gunning
fora mummy in cowboy duds?
437
00:54:09,999 --> 00:54:12,661
Some kind of Bubba Ho-Tep?
438
00:54:13,936 --> 00:54:15,335
So. What we did was
439
00:54:16,873 --> 00:54:18,033
we lied
440
00:55:02,485 --> 00:55:04,316
Life sure is fleetin, you know?
441
00:55:04,387 --> 00:55:07,720
- What?
- Life. I'm saying it's fleetin.
442
00:55:07,790 --> 00:55:10,452
One minute you're here,
and the next minute you're gone...
443
00:55:12,328 --> 00:55:14,489
Shit! Shit! Come on!
444
00:55:16,432 --> 00:55:18,764
Come on. Move it!
Come on. Get it!
445
00:55:22,972 --> 00:55:24,633
Nonchalant. Nonchalant.
446
00:55:24,707 --> 00:55:25,765
Nonchalant.
447
00:55:26,809 --> 00:55:27,969
Get it in there.
448
00:55:30,313 --> 00:55:32,144
You are one fuckin idiot.
449
00:56:00,343 --> 00:56:01,503
Mr. Haff?
450
00:56:04,180 --> 00:56:05,909
Mr. Presley?
451
00:56:10,353 --> 00:56:13,686
Now, how, Mr Pres ey
452
00:56:13,756 --> 00:56:18,489
You are looking much stronger,
but you shouldn't be out here too long.
453
00:56:18,561 --> 00:56:20,324
It's time for your nap.
454
00:56:20,396 --> 00:56:24,924
And it's also time for us to do
that little... you know.
455
00:56:25,001 --> 00:56:27,128
You fuck off,
you patronizing bitch!
456
00:56:28,871 --> 00:56:32,864
I'm sick of your shit! I'll lube
my own crankshaft from now on.
457
00:56:35,244 --> 00:56:36,734
You treat me like a baby again,
458
00:56:36,812 --> 00:56:39,474
I'll wrap this goddamn walker
right around your head!
459
00:57:13,449 --> 00:57:15,383
How in the hell
did that mummy do that?
460
00:57:45,214 --> 00:57:48,547
Well... what the hell.
461
00:58:35,231 --> 00:58:37,165
Where did old Bubba Ho-Tep go?
462
00:58:38,801 --> 00:58:40,291
Where did he come from?
463
00:58:42,238 --> 00:58:43,967
How the hell did he get here?
464
00:58:47,910 --> 00:58:49,241
Wait a minute.
465
00:59:09,698 --> 00:59:12,189
Under the bridge
I saw him under the bridge
466
00:59:46,235 --> 00:59:47,395
Come on, mama.
467
01:00:19,768 --> 01:00:20,928
It's a cancer
468
01:00:21,804 --> 01:00:25,240
They're keepin it from me cause I'm old.
And to them. It don't matter
469
01:00:25,307 --> 01:00:27,969
They think age will kill me first.
And they're probably right
470
01:00:28,043 --> 01:00:29,203
We, succk them
471
01:00:30,212 --> 01:00:32,271
I know what it is.
And if it isn't
472
01:00:32,348 --> 01:00:33,679
it might as well be
473
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:37,636
Station KROP is proud to present
the Elvis Presley movie marathon
474
01:01:41,550 --> 01:01:46,044
It's 24 hours of Elvis
in the roles he made famous
475
01:01:46,121 --> 01:01:50,387
Watch that two-fisted Hound Dog
out-strum. Outrace.
476
01:01:50,459 --> 01:01:53,792
Out-fight. And outwit the bad guys
477
01:01:55,030 --> 01:02:00,297
And at the same time.
Watch the King slay the girls
478
01:02:03,672 --> 01:02:05,071
Shitty pictures, man.
479
01:02:06,141 --> 01:02:07,472
Every single one.
480
01:02:10,512 --> 01:02:14,004
Here I was complainin about
loss of pride and how life had treated me.
481
01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:17,519
And now I realized
I never had any pride
482
01:02:17,586 --> 01:02:19,918
And much of how life
had treated me had been good
483
01:02:19,989 --> 01:02:22,321
The bulk of the bad
was my own damn fault
484
01:02:23,726 --> 01:02:27,059
Should've fired Colonel Parker
by the time I got in the pictures
485
01:02:27,129 --> 01:02:28,858
Old fart had been a shark and a fool.
486
01:02:28,931 --> 01:02:31,263
And I was an even bigger fool
for following him
487
01:02:32,635 --> 01:02:34,626
If only I'd treated Priscilla right
488
01:02:36,105 --> 01:02:38,232
If I could've told
my daughter I loved her
489
01:02:39,708 --> 01:02:42,541
Always the questions
Never the answers
490
01:02:42,611 --> 01:02:46,103
Always the hopes
never the fulfillments
491
01:02:53,055 --> 01:02:56,786
I had the woman who calls herself
my niece come get me.
492
01:02:56,859 --> 01:03:00,022
She took me downtown this morning
to the newspaper morgue.
493
01:03:00,095 --> 01:03:02,563
She's been helping me
to do some research.
494
01:03:03,499 --> 01:03:06,332
- Research on what, man?
- On our mummy.
495
01:03:06,402 --> 01:03:08,063
You know somethin about him?
496
01:03:08,137 --> 01:03:10,196
I know plenty.
497
01:03:12,608 --> 01:03:16,009
Now, one of the lesser mummies,
498
01:03:16,078 --> 01:03:18,672
on loan from the Egyptian government,
499
01:03:18,747 --> 01:03:21,807
was being circulated
all over the United States.
500
01:03:21,884 --> 01:03:23,442
You know, museums,
stuff like that.
501
01:03:23,519 --> 01:03:25,544
What do you mean?
Like King Tut or whatever?
502
01:03:25,621 --> 01:03:27,418
No, more like King Tut's brother.
503
01:03:27,489 --> 01:03:31,858
His mummy was flown or carried
by the train from state to state.
504
01:03:31,927 --> 01:03:34,521
When it got to Texas,
it was stolen.
505
01:03:34,596 --> 01:03:35,585
Stolen?
506
01:03:35,664 --> 01:03:40,431
Evidence points to it being stolen at night
by a couple of guys in a silver bus.
507
01:03:40,502 --> 01:03:43,232
Bus? Hey, I've seen that!
508
01:03:43,305 --> 01:03:45,535
Anyway, the thieves
broke into the museum,
509
01:03:45,607 --> 01:03:48,542
stole it in hopes of a ransom,
510
01:03:48,610 --> 01:03:53,479
when in comes the worst storm
in East Texas history.
511
01:03:54,450 --> 01:03:55,542
Let me guess.
512
01:03:56,518 --> 01:03:58,509
The bus was washed away, see?
513
01:03:58,587 --> 01:04:01,750
'Cause I think I saw it today.
It was way back in the creek.
514
01:04:01,824 --> 01:04:04,657
The mummy was imprisoned
by the debris.
515
01:04:05,561 --> 01:04:07,620
Look here...
how'd it come back to life?
516
01:04:07,696 --> 01:04:10,096
And how did I end up
inside its memories?
517
01:04:10,165 --> 01:04:12,998
Speculation broadens here,
but from what I've read,
518
01:04:13,068 --> 01:04:15,901
some mummies get buried
without their names...
519
01:04:15,971 --> 01:04:18,269
a curse put on their sarcophagus.
520
01:04:19,575 --> 01:04:22,635
Hey, now, maybe our boy's
one of them.
521
01:04:22,711 --> 01:04:26,875
I mean, when he's in the coffin,
he's just a dried-up old corpse,
522
01:04:26,949 --> 01:04:30,180
but when the bus got washed away,
maybe it overturned or broke open,
523
01:04:30,252 --> 01:04:32,243
and now he's free of coffin and curse.
524
01:04:32,321 --> 01:04:36,690
He's free from imprisonment,
but he still needs souls.
525
01:04:37,326 --> 01:04:38,657
Now he's free to have them.
526
01:04:38,727 --> 01:04:42,925
He can just keep on feedin
unless he's finally destroyed.
527
01:04:45,768 --> 01:04:47,258
So, what do we do, Jack?
528
01:04:48,604 --> 01:04:51,402
Changing rest homes
might be a good idea.
529
01:04:51,473 --> 01:04:53,100
I can't think of much else.
530
01:04:53,175 --> 01:04:55,166
But I will say this...
531
01:04:55,244 --> 01:04:58,907
Our mummy is
a nighttime kind of guy.
532
01:04:58,981 --> 01:05:02,178
So, I'm gonna go and sleep now.
533
01:05:02,251 --> 01:05:04,617
I'll set my alarm
for just before dark,
534
01:05:04,686 --> 01:05:07,314
then I can get myself
a couple of cups of coffee.
535
01:05:07,990 --> 01:05:09,252
Damn straight.
536
01:05:09,324 --> 01:05:13,055
If he comes in here tonight, I don't
want him slappin his lips on my asshole.
537
01:05:13,128 --> 01:05:15,494
Yes. Consider it.
538
01:05:16,498 --> 01:05:21,231
He's got the proverbial
bird's nest on the ground here.
539
01:05:39,955 --> 01:05:42,890
What do I really have
left in life but this place?
540
01:05:47,463 --> 01:05:49,192
It ain't much of a home
541
01:05:50,365 --> 01:05:51,923
but it's all I got
542
01:05:57,272 --> 01:05:58,671
Well, goddamnit.
543
01:06:00,008 --> 01:06:05,071
I'll be damned if I let some foreign,
graffiti-writin, soul-suckin,
544
01:06:05,147 --> 01:06:08,480
son of a bitch in an oversized
cowboy hat and boots
545
01:06:08,550 --> 01:06:12,384
take my friends souls and shit 'em
down the visitors toilet!
546
01:06:18,494 --> 01:06:21,327
In the movies.
I always played heroic types
547
01:06:21,396 --> 01:06:22,829
But when the stage lights went out.
548
01:06:22,898 --> 01:06:26,561
It was time fordrugs and stupidity
and the coveting of women
549
01:06:27,336 --> 01:06:29,099
Now it's time
550
01:06:29,171 --> 01:06:32,902
Time to be a little of what I
had always fantasized bein...
551
01:06:32,975 --> 01:06:34,306
a hero
552
01:06:46,722 --> 01:06:47,780
Hello?
553
01:06:48,524 --> 01:06:50,492
Mr. Kennedy?
554
01:06:50,559 --> 01:06:52,823
Ask not what your rest home
can do for you.
555
01:06:53,862 --> 01:06:56,228
Ask what you can do
for your rest home.
556
01:06:56,298 --> 01:06:59,961
Hey, you're copying my best lines.
557
01:07:00,035 --> 01:07:02,299
Then let me paraphrase
one of my own.
558
01:07:03,238 --> 01:07:05,229
Let's take care of business.
559
01:07:05,774 --> 01:07:08,641
Just what are you
getting at, Elvis?
560
01:07:08,710 --> 01:07:10,905
I think you know
what I'm gettin at, Mr. President.
561
01:07:12,447 --> 01:07:13,937
We're gonna kill us a mummy.
562
01:07:26,862 --> 01:07:29,262
Two bottles of rubbing alcohol.
563
01:07:30,399 --> 01:07:33,027
Check.
Don't even have to toss 'em.
564
01:07:33,101 --> 01:07:34,591
Look here.
565
01:07:34,670 --> 01:07:37,104
Found this in the storage room.
566
01:07:37,873 --> 01:07:39,204
I thought they kept it locked.
567
01:07:39,274 --> 01:07:42,072
They do. I stole a hairpin
and picked the lock, baby.
568
01:07:42,144 --> 01:07:43,441
Great.
569
01:07:43,512 --> 01:07:44,604
Matches.
570
01:07:45,380 --> 01:07:48,042
Check. Even scrounged up
a cigarette lighter.
571
01:07:49,151 --> 01:07:51,619
Good. Uniform.
572
01:07:56,391 --> 01:07:58,222
Big check on that, baby.
573
01:07:59,661 --> 01:08:04,826
Well, I got a nice pair of shoes
to go with this.
574
01:08:04,900 --> 01:08:05,958
Check.
575
01:08:08,003 --> 01:08:09,163
Scissors.
576
01:08:09,237 --> 01:08:10,465
Check.
577
01:08:11,673 --> 01:08:12,731
All right.
578
01:08:12,808 --> 01:08:16,175
Now, I got my chair
oiled and ready to roll.
579
01:08:16,778 --> 01:08:18,803
That's good, man.
We could use some wheels.
580
01:08:18,880 --> 01:08:22,714
And I picked some words of power
from my book of magic.
581
01:08:22,784 --> 01:08:24,513
I don't know
if they'll stop a mummy,
582
01:08:24,586 --> 01:08:26,918
but they're supposed
to ward off evil.
583
01:08:27,589 --> 01:08:30,490
I wrote them down.
One for each of us.
584
01:08:30,559 --> 01:08:32,550
Well, we'll use what we got, baby.
585
01:08:33,428 --> 01:08:35,896
All right, 2:45 a.m.,
we hook up right back here.
586
01:08:35,964 --> 01:08:40,230
No, at the rate we travel,
maybe we ought to start at 2:30.
587
01:08:43,038 --> 01:08:44,096
Say, Jack?
588
01:08:46,208 --> 01:08:47,869
Do we know
what the hell we're doin, man?
589
01:08:49,044 --> 01:08:53,913
No. But they say
that fire cleanses evil.
590
01:08:53,982 --> 01:08:57,577
Let's just hope that they...
whoever they are... is right.
591
01:08:57,653 --> 01:08:59,211
Check on that, too.
592
01:08:59,287 --> 01:09:00,845
All right, synchronize watches.
593
01:09:00,922 --> 01:09:04,153
And... mark.
594
01:09:05,127 --> 01:09:09,962
Now, the two key words for tonight
are "caution" and "flammable."
595
01:09:10,032 --> 01:09:13,524
And also...
"watch your ass."
596
01:10:22,437 --> 01:10:24,337
What's that you got
hanging around your neck?
597
01:10:25,607 --> 01:10:27,370
That's my medicine bag.
598
01:10:27,442 --> 01:10:29,376
Indians used to wear 'em into battle.
599
01:10:30,512 --> 01:10:32,480
Full of all kinds of lucky stuff.
600
01:10:33,615 --> 01:10:36,675
See here?
Mucho mojo.
601
01:10:44,626 --> 01:10:45,786
That's my daughter.
602
01:10:49,064 --> 01:10:50,463
I know.
603
01:10:53,135 --> 01:10:56,696
We weren't there for our kids
when they needed us, were we?
604
01:10:59,941 --> 01:11:01,932
Man, if I could just talk to her again...
605
01:11:03,211 --> 01:11:04,371
tell her I love her...
606
01:11:05,814 --> 01:11:07,873
try and make things right somehow.
607
01:11:09,117 --> 01:11:11,108
No time for regrets, Elvis.
608
01:11:11,186 --> 01:11:14,383
We were the best fathers we could be
under the circumstances.
609
01:11:16,625 --> 01:11:18,786
Yeah, I guess,
no time for regrets.
610
01:11:20,128 --> 01:11:21,789
We got business to take care of.
611
01:11:21,863 --> 01:11:24,559
Look here.
Top it off with this.
612
01:11:24,633 --> 01:11:26,965
I stole it from the gardener
when he wasn't lookin.
613
01:11:31,907 --> 01:11:34,671
It's gonna be
one hell of a barbeque.
614
01:11:44,553 --> 01:11:45,952
Let's do it, amigo.
615
01:11:50,725 --> 01:11:51,783
Hey, Jack?
616
01:11:55,831 --> 01:11:57,389
I just got one last question.
617
01:11:59,668 --> 01:12:00,726
Marilyn.
618
01:12:03,905 --> 01:12:06,237
Come on, man.
Marilyn Monroe?
619
01:12:07,142 --> 01:12:09,133
What was she like in the sack?
620
01:12:10,111 --> 01:12:13,274
That is classified information.
Top secret!
621
01:12:14,850 --> 01:12:16,511
But between you and me...
622
01:12:17,586 --> 01:12:18,746
Wow!
623
01:12:23,024 --> 01:12:25,117
You old dog.
Watch your back, Jack.
624
01:12:30,832 --> 01:12:31,992
Gotta hump it.
625
01:13:23,285 --> 01:13:27,153
Shitwhen Bubba Ho-Tep
comes out of that creek bed.
626
01:13:27,222 --> 01:13:29,281
He's gonna come out
hungry and pissed
627
01:13:29,357 --> 01:13:32,019
When I try and stop him. He's gonna
jam this paint can up my ass
628
01:13:32,093 --> 01:13:34,425
and jam me and that wheelchair
up Jack's ass
629
01:14:18,540 --> 01:14:20,098
Shit.
630
01:14:27,983 --> 01:14:29,177
Hey, Jack.
631
01:15:43,925 --> 01:15:45,756
Don't make me use
my stuff on you, baby.
632
01:16:29,337 --> 01:16:31,897
Damn!
Where did he go to?
633
01:16:34,676 --> 01:16:36,473
Hey! You stay put!
634
01:16:37,178 --> 01:16:38,509
I'll flush him out!
635
01:16:41,249 --> 01:16:42,841
You be careful, man.
636
01:16:51,392 --> 01:16:52,381
No, Jack!
637
01:17:24,626 --> 01:17:25,684
Oh, man.
638
01:18:02,463 --> 01:18:06,126
Come and get it,
you undead sack of shit.
639
01:18:31,659 --> 01:18:32,819
Sorry, man.
640
01:19:01,756 --> 01:19:02,916
Mr. Kennedy?
641
01:19:09,430 --> 01:19:13,867
The President is soon dead.
642
01:19:18,406 --> 01:19:24,106
So, now...
it's up to you, Elvis.
643
01:19:24,178 --> 01:19:26,612
You got to get him.
644
01:19:26,681 --> 01:19:30,913
You... got to...
645
01:19:30,985 --> 01:19:32,816
take care of business.
646
01:19:49,737 --> 01:19:50,897
That's right, man.
647
01:19:52,707 --> 01:19:54,197
T.C. B...
648
01:19:56,477 --> 01:19:57,808
It's just you and me.
649
01:20:16,798 --> 01:20:17,958
Mr. President.
650
01:20:38,886 --> 01:20:42,287
"You nasty thing
from beyond the dead...
651
01:20:43,458 --> 01:20:48,623
"No matter what you think or do,
good things will never come to you.
652
01:20:51,933 --> 01:20:55,130
"And if evil
is your black design,
653
01:20:55,203 --> 01:20:59,867
"you can bet the goodness
of the Light Ones...
654
01:20:59,941 --> 01:21:03,069
will kick your bad behind"?
655
01:21:04,112 --> 01:21:05,773
For chrissake...
656
01:21:05,847 --> 01:21:07,007
That's it?
657
01:21:09,083 --> 01:21:11,984
That's the chant against evil
from the Book Of Souls?
658
01:21:12,053 --> 01:21:13,315
Yeah, right, boss.
659
01:21:13,388 --> 01:21:15,879
And what kind of decoder ring
comes with that, man?
660
01:21:15,957 --> 01:21:18,255
Shit, it doesn't even nyme well!
661
01:21:46,020 --> 01:21:47,419
This is dog shit.
662
01:21:52,293 --> 01:21:55,023
It's time for A-C-T-l-O-N.
663
01:21:57,231 --> 01:21:59,392
Come on, baby.
Here we go.
664
01:23:17,745 --> 01:23:19,144
I was goin out
665
01:23:19,914 --> 01:23:22,849
And if I did. Rhot only would I be
one dead son of a bitch.
666
01:23:22,917 --> 01:23:24,077
But so would my soul
667
01:23:25,086 --> 01:23:26,917
I'd be just so much crap
668
01:23:28,256 --> 01:23:31,521
No afterlife. Rho reincarnation.
Rho angels with harps
669
01:23:32,260 --> 01:23:34,820
Whatever lay beyond
would not be known to me
670
01:23:35,496 --> 01:23:38,226
It would all end right here
for Elvis Aaron Presley
671
01:23:38,900 --> 01:23:40,959
Nothin left but a quick flush
672
01:23:45,172 --> 01:23:46,662
T.C.B., baby.
673
01:23:55,950 --> 01:23:59,078
Your soul-suckin days
are over, amigo.
674
01:24:56,410 --> 01:24:59,811
I felt somethin inside
gratin against somethin soft
675
01:25:00,848 --> 01:25:03,783
I felt like a water balloon
with a hole poked in it
676
01:25:06,587 --> 01:25:08,748
I was goin down for the last count
677
01:25:09,857 --> 01:25:11,017
And I knew it
678
01:25:13,461 --> 01:25:15,292
But I still have my soul.
679
01:25:17,465 --> 01:25:18,864
It's still mine.
680
01:25:20,401 --> 01:25:21,800
All mine.
681
01:25:26,340 --> 01:25:29,605
And the folks up there
at Shady Rest...
682
01:25:31,646 --> 01:25:33,136
they have theirs, too.
683
01:25:34,782 --> 01:25:36,272
And they're gonna keep 'em.
684
01:25:38,152 --> 01:25:39,642
Every single one.
685
01:26:08,416 --> 01:26:09,576
Thank you.
686
01:26:12,353 --> 01:26:14,184
Thank you very much.