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Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
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Welcome to the newest,
the greatest...
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the most spectacular
show in entertainment history.
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Put your hands together for
the fabulous Feebles Variety Hour!
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♪ Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles... ♪
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♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪
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♪ Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles. ♪
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♪ Animal acts
and other attractions. ♪
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♪ Samantha the pussy
will show you some action. ♪
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♪ A contortionist. ♪
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♪ A modernist.
A hippopotamus. ♪
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♪ Unconditionally guaranteed to send you. ♪
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♪ When you meet the Feebles. ♪
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♪ Meet the Feebles. ♪
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♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪
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♪ Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles. ♪
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And now...
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here's...
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Harry!
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Yipeee! Ha ha!
Hi, folks!
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Welcome to the Feebles
Variety Hour.
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Oh boy, what a line-up
we've got for you tonight.
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But first, give a huge reception
to our very own Venus...
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that gorgeous hunk
of hippo-hood, Heidi!
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♪ I'm Heidi, hi! ♪
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♪ I love you all. ♪
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♪ You're as pretty as me,
but then I'm the star. ♪
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♪ I put on my rouge,
my talents are huge. ♪
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♪ We've got a show that's just sublime... ♪
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♪ ...and now it's time.
Time to meet the Feebles. ♪
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♪ Meet the Feebles. ♪
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♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪
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♪ Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles! ♪
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All right you fat slag,
move your ass!
35
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How dare you speak to me like that,
you horrible, spiteful little rat!
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I've heard better singing from
a mongoose with throat cancer.
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I won't stand for this treatment
any longer.
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I'm an artiste.
I demand respect!
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Artiste, that's a good one.
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That's it!
I've had enough!
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- I'm going straight to Bletch.
- You do that darling!
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What is going on over there?
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Heidi, where are you going?
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Trevor you haven't upset
her again have you?
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You know what happens
when she gets into a tizz.
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The old cow's had it too good
for too long.
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Like it or not, Trevor,
she's the star of the show.
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There's no Feebles without Heidi.
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Come on everybody.
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We're going out live
in twelve hours.
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Heaven forbid injecting
some urgency into this occasion...
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but for God's sake
get a move on!
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Have a good rehearsal, Miss Heidi.
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Bleeetch!
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Open the door this instant!
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Bletch!
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Oh, shit!
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I was just about
to pop my cookies!
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Sorry, Heidi, I was just
finishing off some paperwork.
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Trevor's been insulting me.
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Why, that foul-mouthed little rodent.
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I'll give him a good talking to.
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If it happens again,
I shan't perform.
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There there Heidi,
don't upset yourself.
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Do I smell perfume?
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You're imagining things
my sweet.
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Now you go and rest up.
Big night tonight.
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Come to my room later on?
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I'll try.
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Oh God!
Women!
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When are you going to dump
that huckery moll?
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Huckery moll she may be,
but she's also our major drawcard.
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Show some guts, Bletch!
Get rid of her!
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- God, wouldn't I like to!
- I'm not waiting around for ever.
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Don't worry, honey.
I'm working on it.
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Excuse me, please.
I wonder if you can help me.
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I've a letter here requesting me
to report to the stage manager.
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I'm busy!
Ask somebody else.
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Oh, well, no... you see...
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Excuse me, sir.
I wonder if you can help.
81
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I've a letter here asking me
to report to the stage manager.
82
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I don't know man.
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It's been a hell of a day.
84
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I can feel a migraine coming on.
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I need a paracetamol.
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Up here!
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New boy are you?
Looking for Arthur?
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Is he the stage manager?
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That's what he calls himself.
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You'll never find him.
I'll take you there.
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Thank you very much.
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I had an audition six months ago
and I've just got the confirmation...
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of my acceptance
into the Feeble Chorus.
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I tell you what, kiddo.
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It's not that crash hot.
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They run you ragged
and they pay's lousy.
97
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I'm not worried about the pay.
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It's an honour just to get a chance...
to perform in the show.
99
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I've been an admirer
of the Feebles for such a long time.
100
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Yeah?
101
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You'll find it pretty tough
on the wages they dish out.
102
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But if you ever want to earn
a little extra on the side...
103
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I'm always interested
in little stories...
104
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anything spicy
or even smutty.
105
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Hey Arthur!
There's a new boy to see you.
106
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There's more filth in this place
than in the city sewers.
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And I pay good money
for the right info.
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Here you go, kid.
Don't hesitate to get in touch.
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You must be Robert.
I've been expecting you.
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Pleased to meet you sir.
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Just call me Arthur.
112
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Here you don't want that, son.
113
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He's a non-good muckraker
from the gutter press.
114
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Got nothing better to do
than make up lies...
115
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and nasty stories about the cast.
116
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Ooh!
117
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That's Miss Heidi.
You'll have heard of her.
118
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I certainly have.
She's my favourite star.
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Excuse me, girls.
120
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Can I have your attention
for a minute?
121
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I'd like to introduce you all
to a new member of the chorus.
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I'm sure you'll do your best to make
him feel a part of the Feeble family.
123
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Come on, say hello, Robert.
Don't be bashful.
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Oh, isn't he handsome?
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What a lovely set of quills!
126
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That's Lucille.
127
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She's just joined the chorus
as well.
128
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You two should get together
sometime.
129
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Is it true that long quills
are a sign of virility?
130
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Now look what you've done!
131
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You've gone and got him
all embarrassed.
132
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Come on Robert old son.
Uncurl, there's a good boy.
133
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I think he fancies you, Lucy.
134
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Yes, it's true love all right.
135
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See the way he looked at you.
136
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Stop it!
He's just an old hedgehog!
137
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Lift those knees!
Hold your head up!
138
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Don't forget to breathe!
139
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♪ Funny little sandhopper
basking in the sun... ♪
140
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♪ dancing and a-hopping
having lots of fun. ♪
141
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♪ Bit of sand landed
in that hopper's eye. ♪
142
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♪ Little sandhopper said,
"My oh my"... ♪
143
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♪ I get one leg missing... ♪
144
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♪ one leg missing... ♪
145
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♪ I get one leg missing... ♪
146
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♪ How do I get around? ♪
147
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♪ Shiny shiny fishy
in the ocean blue. ♪
148
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♪ Swam into a sewage pipe,
pooh, pooh, pooh. ♪
149
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♪ Said "I'm in the shit,
better take a dive". ♪
150
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♪ Stuck his head out of the water
and began to jive. ♪
151
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♪ I got one leg missing... ♪
152
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♪ one leg missing... ♪
153
00:09:01,181 --> 00:09:03,375
♪ I got one leg missing... ♪
154
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♪ How do I get around? ♪
155
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♪ All right! ♪
156
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What are you doing here,
pincushion?
157
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I was just watching the chorus.
158
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- You're the new boy, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.
159
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I just started today.
I'm Robert.
160
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You may be Robert to your friends,
but you're fly shit to me.
161
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Piss off!
162
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Yes, sir.
163
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Goddamn prickleback!
164
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♪ I got one leg missing... ♪
165
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♪ I got one leg missing... ♪
166
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♪ I got one leg missing. ♪
167
00:09:50,836 --> 00:09:52,047
♪ How do I get around? ♪
168
00:09:52,157 --> 00:09:55,133
That Lucille's got
a cute tush.
169
00:09:55,321 --> 00:09:59,102
I wouldn't mind giving her
a poke with the old pork sword.
170
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♪ I get one leg missing. ♪
171
00:10:01,329 --> 00:10:02,471
♪ How do I get around? ♪
172
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:03,569
♪ Allright! ♪
173
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,868
Trevor, please,
I need it, man.
174
00:10:16,305 --> 00:10:17,635
I need it.
175
00:10:17,757 --> 00:10:19,826
I told you before,
it's coming.
176
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Yeah, but...
I got the shakes something bad.
177
00:10:23,336 --> 00:10:27,118
If I don't get a fix,
I won't be able to perform.
178
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Listen, it'll be here, all right?
179
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Stop bothering me.
180
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,352
I can pay for it.
181
00:10:32,543 --> 00:10:35,376
Thanks froggy.
This'll cover what you owe me.
182
00:10:35,691 --> 00:10:37,328
But that's all I've got!
183
00:10:37,911 --> 00:10:41,891
Well, you'd better find
another fifty bucks before six.
184
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,140
But that's all I've got!
185
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:54,367
♪ I got one leg missing. ♪
186
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,587
♪ I got one leg missing. ♪
187
00:10:57,969 --> 00:10:59,664
♪ How do I get around? ♪
188
00:11:00,784 --> 00:11:02,535
Thank you everybody.
189
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:05,204
You've all mutilated
that number rather nicely.
190
00:11:05,477 --> 00:11:07,729
We'll have another shot at it
at two thirty...
191
00:11:07,829 --> 00:11:09,732
and perhaps put it out
of its misery.
192
00:11:13,438 --> 00:11:15,696
Excuse me, Mr. Bletch.
193
00:11:15,859 --> 00:11:16,856
Sir...
194
00:11:16,956 --> 00:11:18,883
If I could have a minute
of your time.
195
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:21,133
I've been waiting to see you
all day.
196
00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:24,704
I've got a smashing little routine
I think will go down a treat.
197
00:11:24,836 --> 00:11:27,131
So, you want to join the Feebles?
198
00:11:27,256 --> 00:11:28,893
Oh, rather!
199
00:11:28,936 --> 00:11:33,118
Ok son, I'll give you one minute.
Impress me.
200
00:11:34,813 --> 00:11:37,079
It's one of my own compositions.
201
00:11:37,372 --> 00:11:41,523
It's called:
"Glad to Be a Guppy".
202
00:11:42,866 --> 00:11:46,574
♪ I'm a fishy little fellow
with a scaly sort of skin... ♪
203
00:11:46,822 --> 00:11:49,460
♪ and I frolic in the shadows
when the tide is coming in. ♪
204
00:11:50,848 --> 00:11:53,157
Is something the matter,
Mr. Bletch?
205
00:11:53,288 --> 00:11:56,324
I think I've got a cavity
in a rear molar.
206
00:11:56,447 --> 00:11:58,516
Would you mind
having a look for me?
207
00:11:58,766 --> 00:11:59,993
Oh, Certainly.
208
00:12:00,561 --> 00:12:03,868
It's right at the back.
209
00:12:04,444 --> 00:12:06,911
Oh, it's awful dark in here!
210
00:12:12,442 --> 00:12:15,478
Went down a treat, all right.
Heh, heh!
211
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,318
Hello, Lucille.
212
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,435
You may not remember me.
213
00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:24,152
My name is Robert
and I'd just like to say that...
214
00:12:24,358 --> 00:12:27,149
I think you're the most pretty girl
I've ever met.
215
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:31,387
I was wondering if you would like
to go to the movies tomorrow night.
216
00:12:31,516 --> 00:12:33,039
Those flowers are for you!
217
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:38,188
Maybe I should give her
the flowers first.
218
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:42,094
Gorblimey!
The poor little blighter's smitten!
219
00:12:44,552 --> 00:12:48,305
Hi, these flowers are for you.
They are white roses.
220
00:12:48,670 --> 00:12:50,262
I hope you like them.
221
00:12:50,430 --> 00:12:52,893
You may not remember me,
but my name is Robert.
222
00:12:52,993 --> 00:12:55,305
I was wondering if you'd like
to go to the movies.
223
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:59,696
I tried on the lace camisole
and it fitted perfectly.
224
00:13:01,243 --> 00:13:03,577
Hi, my name is...
movies and...
225
00:13:03,746 --> 00:13:05,954
I'd like to Robert you...
226
00:13:07,758 --> 00:13:12,303
Here Rob old son.
Come on in for a cup of tea.
227
00:13:19,287 --> 00:13:21,334
When are we due on the course?
228
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:25,247
One o'clock sharp.
It's all arranged.
229
00:13:28,014 --> 00:13:30,006
How's your handicap, Barry?
230
00:13:30,138 --> 00:13:33,904
She's at home baking a cake, boss.
231
00:14:00,728 --> 00:14:01,755
Heavens, Heidi!
232
00:14:02,084 --> 00:14:04,256
You haven't been exercising,
have you?
233
00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:07,881
All that excess flab must put
a terrible strain on your heart.
234
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:12,483
If you're referring to my muscle tone,
it's never been better.
235
00:14:12,545 --> 00:14:15,282
You must have awful trouble
buying clothes.
236
00:14:15,404 --> 00:14:19,311
Still, at your age I suppose
you might as well let your figure go.
237
00:14:19,436 --> 00:14:23,233
How dare you insult me, you,
you cheap pussy?
238
00:14:24,389 --> 00:14:26,397
You shuddering great herbivore!
239
00:14:26,553 --> 00:14:28,510
No wonder Bletch can't stand
the sight of you!
240
00:14:28,889 --> 00:14:30,709
You're lying!
He loves me!
241
00:14:30,897 --> 00:14:32,967
- He detests you!
- That's not true!
242
00:14:33,053 --> 00:14:35,717
You bore him to tears and
you're awful in bed.
243
00:14:36,557 --> 00:14:39,514
It's me he wants.
He can't get enough of me.
244
00:14:39,676 --> 00:14:40,623
Liar!
245
00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:42,647
If you weren't so stupid...
246
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,308
you'd know we've been
having an affair for months.
247
00:14:45,514 --> 00:14:47,279
You liar!
You liar!
248
00:14:51,193 --> 00:14:53,319
Hey, good one!
You showed her!
249
00:14:57,561 --> 00:15:00,358
Right, Robbie.
Now you got everything I told you.
250
00:15:00,615 --> 00:15:03,990
She's in there now,
so you give it your best shot.
251
00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:07,623
Are you sure that this is a good
idea?
252
00:15:07,717 --> 00:15:08,840
She'll love it.
253
00:15:08,893 --> 00:15:10,342
Go on do your stuff.
254
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:26,539
♪ You are my amour, what I adore.
Oh Lucille! ♪
255
00:15:27,821 --> 00:15:36,056
♪ This, this is the way that I must say
how my heart feels! ♪
256
00:15:36,179 --> 00:15:40,534
♪ Oh, Lucille!
Oh, Lucille! ♪
257
00:15:40,657 --> 00:15:44,126
♪ Oh, Lucille!
Oohh, Luc... ciii! ♪
258
00:15:47,858 --> 00:15:50,964
Keep going, keep going!
It's magic!
259
00:15:55,311 --> 00:15:58,779
♪ Under the light
of the Spanish moon... ♪
260
00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:04,403
♪ it's for love that I croon this tune,
Lucille... ♪
261
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:06,247
♪ Lucille... ♪
262
00:16:06,449 --> 00:16:08,654
♪ Lucille!!! ♪
263
00:16:13,959 --> 00:16:15,508
I'm terribly sorry.
264
00:16:16,326 --> 00:16:17,978
You must think I'm an idiot.
265
00:16:18,615 --> 00:16:20,137
I should never have done this.
266
00:16:20,998 --> 00:16:24,162
I promise you,
I shan't ever bother you again.
267
00:16:24,209 --> 00:16:26,022
Robert... wait!
268
00:16:27,084 --> 00:16:29,608
How did you know
I love flamenco?
269
00:16:33,006 --> 00:16:36,800
That were beautiful,
just beautiful.
270
00:16:47,077 --> 00:16:48,678
Oh, God!
271
00:16:49,196 --> 00:16:51,100
How did you get in?
272
00:16:52,475 --> 00:16:55,819
Oh, no!
Not the cold cream!
273
00:16:56,274 --> 00:17:01,221
I told you guys before,
stay out of my room!
274
00:17:06,835 --> 00:17:08,514
And stay out!
275
00:17:11,875 --> 00:17:12,875
WHEEEEE!
276
00:17:18,858 --> 00:17:20,272
Flipping heck!
277
00:17:29,694 --> 00:17:32,358
Oh! What am I going to do now?
278
00:17:32,592 --> 00:17:35,365
It took me six months
to train that lot.
279
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:45,569
Not a bad little meat pattie.
280
00:17:53,096 --> 00:17:54,904
Good shot, boss!
281
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,965
Your shot, Cedric!
282
00:18:15,289 --> 00:18:18,303
I thought I told you
to wipe my clubs.
283
00:18:25,490 --> 00:18:27,967
Take that you bastard!
284
00:18:36,389 --> 00:18:37,389
Shit!
285
00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:41,394
I'm on form today!
286
00:18:43,217 --> 00:18:44,775
It's a lovely course.
287
00:18:44,889 --> 00:18:47,359
I'm tempted to join
the club myself.
288
00:18:47,479 --> 00:18:50,022
No chance of that,
I'm afraid, Cedric.
289
00:18:50,123 --> 00:18:52,353
You mean they discriminate
against Scots?
290
00:18:52,521 --> 00:18:56,162
No, we just don't like arseholes
in the clubhouse.
291
00:18:56,686 --> 00:19:01,201
Gee, Sid, it's really decent of you
to have me in for a lager...
292
00:19:01,584 --> 00:19:04,544
...after today's little mishap.
293
00:19:04,954 --> 00:19:07,615
No hard feelings Arthur.
294
00:19:07,733 --> 00:19:09,678
It's just my bad luck.
295
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,670
This sort of thing is
always happening to me.
296
00:19:13,373 --> 00:19:16,834
Did I tell you Sandy's slapping
a paternity suit on me?
297
00:19:16,897 --> 00:19:17,885
Is that right?
298
00:19:17,910 --> 00:19:21,662
Yeah, she reckons that kid
she dropped is mine.
299
00:19:21,779 --> 00:19:23,920
I'd like to see her prove it, though.
300
00:19:24,108 --> 00:19:25,920
She's slept with half the chorus.
301
00:19:26,069 --> 00:19:27,131
Has she?
302
00:19:27,842 --> 00:19:29,647
She hasn't slept with me.
303
00:19:29,717 --> 00:19:32,662
Oh, no.
I wasn't suggesting anything.
304
00:19:32,785 --> 00:19:37,255
Like you're a mate, Arthur.
I know I can trust you.
305
00:19:37,704 --> 00:19:41,561
Oh, Christ,
here she comes now.
306
00:19:46,967 --> 00:19:50,670
Sidney, the date's been
set down as the 16th.
307
00:19:50,826 --> 00:19:54,826
If you don't appear in court,
it'll be held over until the 21st...
308
00:19:54,975 --> 00:19:58,295
at which time you'll be compelled
to provide a blood sample.
309
00:19:58,517 --> 00:20:02,529
Oh God Sandy, why did you bring it here?
It's not mine!
310
00:20:02,670 --> 00:20:04,810
You know it's not!
311
00:20:04,935 --> 00:20:08,051
We'll let the court decide that,
shall we?
312
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:19,645
It's got your eyes, Sid.
313
00:20:46,842 --> 00:20:51,045
♪ You want a slice of the action
but you're not acting very nice. ♪
314
00:20:52,561 --> 00:20:56,912
♪ You want a slice of the action
but you don't want to pay the price. ♪
315
00:20:57,759 --> 00:21:02,548
♪ You're going to end up in traction
if you don't take my advice. ♪
316
00:21:03,608 --> 00:21:05,334
♪ You want a piece of the pie... ♪
317
00:21:05,420 --> 00:21:07,998
♪ but you don't want
to share with me. ♪
318
00:21:09,303 --> 00:21:10,865
♪ You want a piece of that pie... ♪
319
00:21:10,967 --> 00:21:13,404
♪ but you'll never get
nothing for free. ♪
320
00:21:14,662 --> 00:21:16,592
♪ You better watch what you say... ♪
321
00:21:16,678 --> 00:21:18,834
♪ 'cause that ain't my recipe. ♪
322
00:21:20,248 --> 00:21:22,459
♪ I'm hip to your lip... ♪
323
00:21:22,551 --> 00:21:24,584
♪ you'll see... ♪
324
00:21:25,850 --> 00:21:29,678
♪ You're just a low-down snake
with a two-time repartee. ♪
325
00:21:31,349 --> 00:21:35,600
♪ I'm hip to your jive,
but it don't sound hip to me. ♪
326
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,975
Say, who is that dame?
327
00:21:42,108 --> 00:21:45,365
That's Heidi.
Ain't she something?
328
00:21:45,624 --> 00:21:49,514
She's only been here a week
and already she's packing the joint.
329
00:21:49,912 --> 00:21:52,811
With a voice like that
she's going to go places!
330
00:21:53,342 --> 00:21:57,209
♪ You want a hot potato,
but baby you're just too cold. ♪
331
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:02,803
♪ You want a hot potato
to go with your sausage roll. ♪
332
00:22:04,342 --> 00:22:08,365
♪ Don't look at me baby,
I'm much too hot to hold. ♪
333
00:22:09,725 --> 00:22:12,264
♪ I'm hip to your lip... ♪
334
00:22:12,381 --> 00:22:13,685
♪ you'll see! ♪
335
00:22:15,631 --> 00:22:16,967
Yeah!
336
00:22:18,654 --> 00:22:20,272
Thank you!
337
00:22:22,498 --> 00:22:25,483
From the gentleman
with the red carnation.
338
00:22:27,998 --> 00:22:30,022
So, you're from the East?
339
00:22:30,225 --> 00:22:32,725
I hear they've got some
great swamps out that way.
340
00:22:32,904 --> 00:22:35,748
What's a cute young think like you
doing in the big smoke?
341
00:22:36,170 --> 00:22:39,395
I'm not so young.
In two years I'll be eighteen.
342
00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:42,725
Really?
But you're so well developed...
343
00:22:43,319 --> 00:22:44,638
Vocally, I mean.
344
00:22:45,022 --> 00:22:48,037
My singing teachers said
I've enormous lung power.
345
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,834
I like your style, Heidi.
346
00:22:51,334 --> 00:22:53,920
- Really?
- You've got a lot of class.
347
00:22:54,076 --> 00:22:55,474
But that sometimes ain't enough.
348
00:22:55,603 --> 00:22:58,321
I seen a lot of girls like you
ruined in this town.
349
00:22:58,442 --> 00:23:00,477
You need to make
the right connections,,,
350
00:23:00,601 --> 00:23:02,264
and that's where I can help.
351
00:23:04,358 --> 00:23:05,967
Are you a producer?
352
00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:08,358
I aim to be.
I aim to be the best Goddam...
353
00:23:08,459 --> 00:23:10,253
...producer this town has ever seen.
354
00:23:10,545 --> 00:23:12,572
I got the contacts,
I got the capital...
355
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:14,986
What I need is what you got:
356
00:23:15,358 --> 00:23:16,373
Talent!
357
00:23:17,342 --> 00:23:20,717
Heidi, I want to manage you.
358
00:23:21,694 --> 00:23:22,697
But...
359
00:23:23,678 --> 00:23:25,733
I don't even know who you are!
360
00:23:25,826 --> 00:23:27,061
They call me...
361
00:23:27,773 --> 00:23:29,256
Bletch!
362
00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:31,467
Bletch!
363
00:23:32,334 --> 00:23:34,592
What a lovely name!
364
00:23:35,678 --> 00:23:37,108
Tell me Heidi...
365
00:23:38,053 --> 00:23:41,342
do those lips kiss as good
as they sing?
366
00:23:46,338 --> 00:23:47,647
Bletch!
367
00:24:03,569 --> 00:24:05,983
Very nice, Mr. Bletch.
368
00:24:06,162 --> 00:24:09,951
Perhaps you'd like to inspect
my range of clubs.
369
00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:21,465
It's good gear,
I can assure you.
370
00:24:21,561 --> 00:24:23,094
Of that I have no doubts.
371
00:24:23,215 --> 00:24:25,436
It's good stuff boss.
372
00:24:25,865 --> 00:24:27,623
When can we expect delivery?
373
00:24:27,787 --> 00:24:30,623
Meet Louie in the alleyway
at six.
374
00:24:40,592 --> 00:24:43,264
Sorry.
A touch of the ptomaine.
375
00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:54,350
It must be all this fresh air.
It gives me hay fever.
376
00:24:58,053 --> 00:25:00,358
Bad luck old chap!
377
00:25:09,902 --> 00:25:11,084
What the?
378
00:25:11,258 --> 00:25:12,717
My apologies Cedric!
379
00:25:13,123 --> 00:25:15,272
I had a bone stuck in my throat.
380
00:25:16,168 --> 00:25:17,836
My game, I think.
381
00:25:18,606 --> 00:25:19,770
Shit!
382
00:25:20,176 --> 00:25:24,692
Did I pass the audition,
Mr. Bletch?
383
00:25:30,127 --> 00:25:32,393
Oh, harder Harry, oh!
384
00:25:33,914 --> 00:25:35,932
Oh, yes, yes, oh!
385
00:25:36,664 --> 00:25:37,948
Harry!
386
00:25:40,198 --> 00:25:42,784
All those carrots
make me good in the dark.
387
00:25:43,604 --> 00:25:45,440
But it feels so good!
388
00:25:45,744 --> 00:25:48,807
They don't call it "bunnylingus"
for nothing, sweetheart.
389
00:25:48,924 --> 00:25:51,061
What about me?
Are you going to service me too?
390
00:25:51,698 --> 00:25:54,987
Sure, climb on up and
I'll give you a valve grind.
391
00:25:56,020 --> 00:25:58,169
Hey!
Hold on a moment!
392
00:25:58,557 --> 00:26:00,315
What's going on?
I can't see.
393
00:26:01,994 --> 00:26:03,284
Goddamn pervert!
394
00:26:03,362 --> 00:26:04,401
Who was it, Harry?
395
00:26:04,464 --> 00:26:07,690
Just a little creep
with a bad case of jizm pressure.
396
00:26:07,776 --> 00:26:10,127
How's your jizm pressure,
Harry?
397
00:26:10,354 --> 00:26:12,221
I can feel it coming on.
398
00:26:12,338 --> 00:26:15,237
Oh, boy,
it's going to be a gusher!
399
00:26:20,127 --> 00:26:21,502
Oh, no!
400
00:26:23,151 --> 00:26:24,588
No, no!
401
00:26:29,488 --> 00:26:31,815
No no, help!
402
00:26:33,151 --> 00:26:34,354
Take that!
403
00:26:38,838 --> 00:26:40,072
Oh, no!
404
00:26:40,260 --> 00:26:41,666
Take that, you bitch!
405
00:26:42,729 --> 00:26:45,366
I beg you, please now stop it!
406
00:26:45,491 --> 00:26:47,565
Call me "sir", slut!
407
00:26:47,659 --> 00:26:48,705
Ow!
408
00:26:48,962 --> 00:26:50,096
Leave her alone!
409
00:26:52,901 --> 00:26:54,307
Are you all right, madam?
410
00:26:54,432 --> 00:26:55,807
Cut!
411
00:26:56,815 --> 00:26:58,566
Jesus Christ!
412
00:26:58,687 --> 00:27:03,205
You have a nasty habit of sticking
your nose in where it's not wanted.
413
00:27:03,979 --> 00:27:05,127
I'm sorry.
414
00:27:05,330 --> 00:27:08,237
You ruined my take, kid.
I never do two takes!
415
00:27:08,830 --> 00:27:10,869
I didn't know it was a film.
416
00:27:10,971 --> 00:27:13,338
Hurry it up,
I'm freezing!
417
00:27:13,483 --> 00:27:17,565
I'm sorry for interrupting.
I won't disturb you any longer.
418
00:27:18,557 --> 00:27:20,080
We'll skip the whipping.
419
00:27:20,174 --> 00:27:21,869
Let's move on to the blowjob.
420
00:27:22,385 --> 00:27:24,698
Where's the Masked Masochist?
421
00:27:26,017 --> 00:27:28,554
Oh Christ that's all I need!
He's carked!
422
00:27:29,291 --> 00:27:32,010
Didn't you realise
you were sitting on his face?
423
00:27:32,041 --> 00:27:35,744
I felt a bit uncomfortable, but
I thought it was my hemorrhoids.
424
00:27:35,876 --> 00:27:39,455
What the hell, maybe I can sell it
as a snuff movie.
425
00:27:47,854 --> 00:27:49,854
Well you'll have to find a substitute.
426
00:27:50,049 --> 00:27:52,088
I don't do self abuse.
427
00:27:53,393 --> 00:27:57,340
No worries, Daisy.
I know just the guy.
428
00:28:14,504 --> 00:28:18,166
What do you know!
It's Dennis on a smelly minge binge.
429
00:28:18,543 --> 00:28:22,073
Oh gosh! I was just looking
for the soap powder.
430
00:28:22,237 --> 00:28:24,939
Sure, Dennis.
Have a whiff of these.
431
00:28:25,061 --> 00:28:28,104
They've got
a real distinctive bouquet.
432
00:28:31,534 --> 00:28:34,385
Dennis, I've got a little job for you.
433
00:29:13,159 --> 00:29:14,588
NOOOO!
434
00:29:16,744 --> 00:29:19,690
Oh my God!
Next!
435
00:29:33,182 --> 00:29:35,229
All right everybody,
from the top!
436
00:29:35,338 --> 00:29:36,666
Music, please!
437
00:30:20,229 --> 00:30:21,221
STOP!!!
438
00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:24,315
Oh for Christ sake! What the hell was wrong
with that?
439
00:30:24,471 --> 00:30:27,479
Who is holding
that red pennant?
440
00:30:30,802 --> 00:30:31,823
Me sir.
441
00:30:31,886 --> 00:30:34,604
And what on earth do you think
you're doing?
442
00:30:34,678 --> 00:30:36,633
I'm patrolling the moat, sir.
443
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,031
Patrolling the moat?
I see.
444
00:30:40,559 --> 00:30:43,502
You were instructed to stay
upstage left.
445
00:30:44,329 --> 00:30:47,604
Italian pennant bearers of
the XVII century were frequently...
446
00:30:47,775 --> 00:30:51,527
known to patrol the rampart
on the lookout for Turkish invaders.
447
00:30:51,755 --> 00:30:53,424
How very elucidating.
448
00:30:53,609 --> 00:30:55,393
I've been reading up on it, sir.
449
00:30:55,483 --> 00:30:57,192
My drama teacher at school
said...
450
00:30:57,316 --> 00:30:59,760
I should always research
a role thoroughly.
451
00:30:59,963 --> 00:31:02,367
Really?
Well let me tell you something.
452
00:31:02,392 --> 00:31:04,455
This is a television variety show...
453
00:31:04,549 --> 00:31:06,119
not a homage to Soviet Realism!
454
00:31:06,279 --> 00:31:09,643
Good grief! I asked for a pennant,
not a pedant!
455
00:31:10,058 --> 00:31:11,979
All right, again!
From the top!
456
00:31:22,466 --> 00:31:23,466
Excuse me!
457
00:31:23,826 --> 00:31:24,659
STOP!
458
00:31:24,742 --> 00:31:25,777
Oh shit!
459
00:31:26,105 --> 00:31:27,041
Oh, God!
460
00:31:27,150 --> 00:31:28,150
What is it?
461
00:31:28,984 --> 00:31:29,799
It's just...
462
00:31:30,838 --> 00:31:33,175
I'm having trouble
with my motivation.
463
00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:36,006
I don't understand
why I would remain still...
464
00:31:36,106 --> 00:31:39,534
when the scene itself suggests
vigorous physical action...
465
00:31:39,661 --> 00:31:40,604
...danger even.
466
00:31:40,635 --> 00:31:43,393
I suppose you'd like everyone
to stop singing...
467
00:31:43,494 --> 00:31:47,284
while you come forward to do
a little war dance center stage.
468
00:31:47,338 --> 00:31:48,073
Is that it?
469
00:31:48,119 --> 00:31:50,377
Well, it had crossed my mind!
470
00:31:50,455 --> 00:31:51,690
My God!
471
00:31:51,817 --> 00:31:54,323
Sorry guv, I hate to interrupt,
but I don't think...
472
00:31:54,423 --> 00:31:57,213
the knife thrower's assistant
is going to pull through.
473
00:31:57,615 --> 00:32:00,034
Shall I cancel Wynyard's act
entirely?
474
00:32:00,254 --> 00:32:01,440
I think not.
475
00:32:01,696 --> 00:32:04,182
I've got just the substitute.
476
00:32:09,807 --> 00:32:12,366
"Dennis Does Daisy!"
Take 1.
477
00:32:12,501 --> 00:32:14,737
Dennis, drop your strides.
478
00:32:15,889 --> 00:32:17,674
Come on, come on,
the camera's rolling.
479
00:32:17,807 --> 00:32:19,925
Oh for Chrissake!
480
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,197
Is that the best you can do?
481
00:32:24,297 --> 00:32:26,119
Trevor do something about this guy!
482
00:32:26,219 --> 00:32:28,065
Come on, get aroused!
483
00:32:28,346 --> 00:32:29,354
I can't.
484
00:32:29,425 --> 00:32:32,518
Well, I'm not doing anything
until he cracks a fat.
485
00:32:32,804 --> 00:32:35,244
What's the matter?
Doesn't she turn you on?
486
00:32:35,963 --> 00:32:39,065
Here you go.
Will these help?
487
00:32:39,392 --> 00:32:42,362
Oh God, not another panty-sniffer!
488
00:32:42,526 --> 00:32:44,791
He's going to want me
to piss in his mouth next.
489
00:32:44,924 --> 00:32:46,534
Ok kid, do your stuff.
490
00:32:48,627 --> 00:32:50,792
Oh yes!
Yes!
491
00:32:51,398 --> 00:32:54,310
Oh, God!
I feel terrible!
492
00:32:54,627 --> 00:32:57,119
What's happening to me?
493
00:32:57,291 --> 00:33:00,229
What's the matter, Harry?
Not feeling too well?
494
00:33:00,534 --> 00:33:02,626
What?
Who said that?
495
00:33:02,795 --> 00:33:04,690
It's all those late nights.
496
00:33:04,776 --> 00:33:07,267
Maybe you're not getting
enough vitamins.
497
00:33:09,223 --> 00:33:11,452
Care to join me for lunch?
498
00:33:16,191 --> 00:33:20,237
Hmm, carrots!
It's not one of yours, is it Harry?
499
00:33:20,291 --> 00:33:21,674
You are sick!
500
00:33:21,849 --> 00:33:23,909
No, Harry.
I think you are.
501
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,299
Give me the rundown
on your symptoms.
502
00:33:26,456 --> 00:33:29,791
I ain't got nothing,
you shit-eating journo.
503
00:33:30,028 --> 00:33:33,144
You can't suppress the media,
Harry.
504
00:33:36,305 --> 00:33:40,012
Come on, you can tell me,
I'll be very discreet.
505
00:33:40,143 --> 00:33:43,100
I'm as fit as a fiddle.
I feel fantastic.
506
00:33:43,222 --> 00:33:45,133
And I'm sick and tired of your...
507
00:33:45,262 --> 00:33:46,410
Hold it right there!
508
00:33:46,541 --> 00:33:48,526
"I'm tired and I'm sick",
says Harry...
509
00:33:48,626 --> 00:33:51,088
the Hare star of
the Feebles Variety Hour.
510
00:33:51,463 --> 00:33:53,609
Sounds like the germs
of a good story.
511
00:33:53,779 --> 00:33:55,510
Leave me alone!
512
00:33:55,664 --> 00:33:57,143
You can't hide the truth.
513
00:33:57,237 --> 00:34:01,229
Whatever you've got, I'll find it out
or I'll make it up.
514
00:34:04,934 --> 00:34:07,768
This is going to be a great scoop!
515
00:34:11,379 --> 00:34:13,909
Jesus Trevor,
have you got the stuff?
516
00:34:14,111 --> 00:34:15,668
I'm hanging out, man.
517
00:34:16,010 --> 00:34:18,893
I'll get you the money tomorrow,
I promise.
518
00:34:18,981 --> 00:34:20,893
Hello, my name's Robert.
519
00:34:21,018 --> 00:34:23,534
Are you the new supplier?
520
00:34:23,619 --> 00:34:25,244
No, I've been sent
by the director...
521
00:34:25,299 --> 00:34:27,163
to assist you in your
knife-throwing routine.
522
00:34:27,393 --> 00:34:31,065
- Oh, shit!
- I wondered if you'd like to practice.
523
00:34:31,288 --> 00:34:34,635
No, I don't know, man,
I really don't know.
524
00:34:34,791 --> 00:34:37,206
It's not such a hot idea.
525
00:34:38,285 --> 00:34:40,948
- Have you got any smack?
- Smack?
526
00:34:41,105 --> 00:34:43,768
Horse, liquid sky,
skag...
527
00:34:43,820 --> 00:34:46,166
snow, coke, crack,
methadone...
528
00:34:46,244 --> 00:34:48,401
Benzedrine, pinkies, San Ped...
529
00:34:48,799 --> 00:34:50,430
Morning Glory, nutmeg,
blue meanies...
530
00:34:50,530 --> 00:34:53,276
aspirin, Ados, paracetamol...
531
00:34:53,401 --> 00:34:55,018
Vicks Vapour Rub?!!
532
00:34:57,679 --> 00:35:01,612
Oh, you don't happen to be
an asthmatic by any chance?
533
00:35:02,078 --> 00:35:03,885
Could I borrow your huffer?
534
00:35:04,004 --> 00:35:05,494
I don't take drugs of any sort.
535
00:35:05,744 --> 00:35:08,057
I don't believe it's right
to abuse your body like that.
536
00:35:08,192 --> 00:35:10,659
Oh, that's easy for you to say.
537
00:35:11,235 --> 00:35:13,338
You haven't been to hell and back.
538
00:35:13,493 --> 00:35:14,971
- Eh?
- Nam!
539
00:35:15,314 --> 00:35:18,823
- You've been to Vietnam?
- I saw the worst of it, kid.
540
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:26,487
Tet Offensive 1968.
541
00:35:26,950 --> 00:35:29,596
Charlie had our backs
against the wall!
542
00:35:29,789 --> 00:35:31,666
There were six of us.
543
00:35:32,069 --> 00:35:33,901
No, there were five of us.
544
00:35:35,748 --> 00:35:40,536
Every gook north of Saigon
was drawing a bead on us.
545
00:35:57,701 --> 00:36:00,339
Wynyard!
Cover me!
546
00:36:00,915 --> 00:36:02,352
Jim! Jim!
547
00:36:15,852 --> 00:36:17,774
Thanks Jim, I owe you one!
548
00:36:17,844 --> 00:36:21,563
I wasn't about to see my best buddy
peppered with Charlie's lead.
549
00:36:26,292 --> 00:36:27,805
Three weeks later...
550
00:36:28,042 --> 00:36:31,670
we were on a routine patrol
north of Tai Pang.
551
00:36:32,191 --> 00:36:34,032
Charlie was close...
552
00:36:34,298 --> 00:36:37,985
so close
you could almost smell him.
553
00:36:50,764 --> 00:36:52,163
Where's Eightball?
554
00:36:52,524 --> 00:36:54,081
We better go back and look for him.
555
00:37:03,456 --> 00:37:05,253
Eightball!
Thank God!
556
00:37:05,619 --> 00:37:08,001
We thought the gooks
had got you, Eightball.
557
00:37:12,318 --> 00:37:16,274
Drop your weapons and put your hands up
revisionist running dogs.
558
00:37:23,474 --> 00:37:26,712
In the days that followed
I wished a thousand times...
559
00:37:26,821 --> 00:37:30,024
that it was my head
on that stake.
560
00:37:30,432 --> 00:37:33,899
Re-education time
for fascist imperialists.
561
00:37:38,522 --> 00:37:40,114
You... read...
562
00:37:41,038 --> 00:37:42,993
You... read.
563
00:37:43,808 --> 00:37:46,923
I can't see, you bastards!
564
00:37:58,431 --> 00:38:00,727
We didn't see Chuck for two days.
565
00:38:00,977 --> 00:38:02,798
We thought he was a goner.
566
00:38:02,962 --> 00:38:07,375
But then on the third night
they brought him back to us.
567
00:38:12,673 --> 00:38:15,212
The bastards had taken his legs.
568
00:38:19,017 --> 00:38:21,688
I still say that private enterprise...
569
00:38:21,787 --> 00:38:25,102
is acceptable
at a village level...
570
00:38:25,375 --> 00:38:28,649
providing it is strictly controlled
by the party.
571
00:38:29,192 --> 00:38:34,059
We must not let petty
bourgeois aspirations...
572
00:38:34,292 --> 00:38:36,977
taint socialist pedagogy.
573
00:38:37,826 --> 00:38:41,774
Reform is the enemy
of revolution.
574
00:38:44,649 --> 00:38:47,235
The Cong hadn't finished with us yet.
575
00:38:47,323 --> 00:38:52,915
Their twisted communist minds
had devised one last torture.
576
00:39:26,962 --> 00:39:30,384
As I stared down
the muzzle of that gun...
577
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,747
I thought of Chuck and Eightball...
578
00:39:33,914 --> 00:39:36,657
and the thousands of others
who had perished...
579
00:39:36,790 --> 00:39:39,384
in that Godforsaken wilderness.
580
00:39:39,842 --> 00:39:42,401
I was not afraid to join them.
581
00:39:54,423 --> 00:39:56,204
Let's go out of here!
582
00:40:07,928 --> 00:40:08,963
Help me!
583
00:40:13,188 --> 00:40:15,091
Come on buddy, help me up!
584
00:40:16,290 --> 00:40:18,964
Wynyard! Winyard!
Don't leave me!
585
00:40:19,095 --> 00:40:21,501
Please!
Dear God, no!
586
00:40:36,276 --> 00:40:40,234
It was six months before
I got out that Saigon hospital.
587
00:40:40,653 --> 00:40:44,852
By then I was hooked
on every barbiturate known to man.
588
00:40:45,292 --> 00:40:47,521
Gosh!
What an awful time you've had!
589
00:40:47,618 --> 00:40:48,879
Hey kid...
590
00:40:49,011 --> 00:40:53,321
you want to express your sympathy
in some kind of material away?
591
00:40:53,569 --> 00:40:54,774
How can I do that?
592
00:40:54,979 --> 00:40:56,809
Vietnam Vets Association.
593
00:40:57,568 --> 00:41:00,161
We're badly under-funded.
594
00:41:05,223 --> 00:41:08,214
Minimum donation fifty bucks.
595
00:41:11,724 --> 00:41:13,042
Thanks, kid.
596
00:41:13,243 --> 00:41:15,756
The Association was in bad need...
597
00:41:15,858 --> 00:41:17,415
of a cash injection.
598
00:41:23,063 --> 00:41:25,040
Ooh! Ooh!
What an organ!
599
00:41:31,681 --> 00:41:35,860
Do you really think people
are interested in nasal sex?
600
00:41:35,996 --> 00:41:38,987
Sure boss.
It's the latest fad.
601
00:41:39,115 --> 00:41:40,264
You got a title?
602
00:41:40,308 --> 00:41:43,299
I thought:
"Dennis Does Daisy"
603
00:41:43,482 --> 00:41:45,039
Nah, that's lousy.
604
00:41:45,093 --> 00:41:46,259
Well how about:
605
00:41:46,423 --> 00:41:48,365
"Anal Antics"?
606
00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:50,680
Anal Antics...
607
00:41:51,276 --> 00:41:52,351
Not bad.
608
00:41:52,415 --> 00:41:54,532
It's got a certain ring to it.
609
00:41:54,594 --> 00:41:57,005
It'll appeal to the intellectuals.
610
00:41:57,243 --> 00:41:59,418
Do you think it'll do as well as
our last release...
611
00:41:59,516 --> 00:42:01,300
and win the Hooker Prize?
612
00:42:03,821 --> 00:42:06,266
You know I'm worried
about Madame Bovine.
613
00:42:06,387 --> 00:42:08,837
We've lost money on
her last two pictures.
614
00:42:08,908 --> 00:42:11,137
You want her replaced, boss?
615
00:42:11,385 --> 00:42:14,217
I think the public are tired
of big udders.
616
00:42:14,344 --> 00:42:17,212
Find someone young and petite.
617
00:42:20,704 --> 00:42:23,009
Sure thing, boss.
618
00:42:24,706 --> 00:42:26,493
Bring on the next act!
619
00:42:26,930 --> 00:42:29,665
It's the contortionist,
Arbee Bargwan.
620
00:42:29,766 --> 00:42:32,058
I told him he wasn't needed
for half an hour.
621
00:42:32,179 --> 00:42:33,736
He'll be meditating.
622
00:42:33,858 --> 00:42:36,665
Well you'll just have
to interrupt him, won't you?
623
00:42:37,790 --> 00:42:40,215
Never mind.
I'll get him myself.
624
00:42:46,266 --> 00:42:49,882
Arbee darling,
I hate to intrude upon nirvana...
625
00:42:50,013 --> 00:42:51,844
but you're needed on stage.
626
00:42:52,087 --> 00:42:56,454
Please don't interrupt me.
I am traveling on the astral plane.
627
00:42:58,051 --> 00:43:00,485
Perhaps you could change
your flight plan...
628
00:43:00,571 --> 00:43:03,323
and grace us mere mortals
with your presence.
629
00:43:03,449 --> 00:43:05,916
I am impervious to your cynicism.
630
00:43:06,048 --> 00:43:08,930
Listen to me,
you double-jointed freak!
631
00:43:09,118 --> 00:43:10,954
If you're not on stage
in five minutes...
632
00:43:11,079 --> 00:43:15,032
you can consider yourself permanently
disembodied from the show.
633
00:43:15,805 --> 00:43:16,913
Hey!
634
00:43:45,876 --> 00:43:48,227
Oh good gracious, Harry!
635
00:43:49,055 --> 00:43:50,669
Somebody call a doctor!
636
00:43:51,154 --> 00:43:53,224
How are we feeling, Harry?
637
00:43:53,946 --> 00:43:57,899
I feel real bad, Doc.
What have I got.
638
00:43:58,040 --> 00:44:01,149
I'll do some tests,
but I don't hold out much hope.
639
00:44:01,631 --> 00:44:04,861
There's only one disease
that fits these symptoms.
640
00:44:04,990 --> 00:44:06,627
It's the big one, Harry.
641
00:44:06,749 --> 00:44:08,546
No!
Not the big one!
642
00:44:08,669 --> 00:44:11,136
I'll have to notify
the health authorities.
643
00:44:11,438 --> 00:44:14,094
They'll want a list of
your sexual partners...
644
00:44:14,493 --> 00:44:16,106
for the last twelve months.
645
00:44:16,226 --> 00:44:18,342
It can't be true!
It can't be!
646
00:44:18,506 --> 00:44:20,282
I've taken precautions!
647
00:44:22,219 --> 00:44:23,649
Tell me Doc...
648
00:44:24,141 --> 00:44:26,058
...how long have I got?
649
00:44:26,183 --> 00:44:27,891
It's difficult to tell...
650
00:44:28,063 --> 00:44:30,634
but with a case
as advanced as yours...
651
00:44:30,790 --> 00:44:32,896
ten,
maybe twelve...
652
00:44:33,021 --> 00:44:35,171
- Months?
- Hours.
653
00:44:35,837 --> 00:44:37,292
I'm sorry, Harry.
654
00:44:37,993 --> 00:44:41,063
Doc, can you do me
one favour
655
00:44:41,235 --> 00:44:43,493
Sure Harry, shoot.
656
00:44:43,688 --> 00:44:47,815
Don't tell anyone.
Let me do the show tonight.
657
00:44:47,937 --> 00:44:49,305
OK Harry.
658
00:44:49,616 --> 00:44:53,847
I want to go out
with my reputation intact.
659
00:44:56,014 --> 00:44:57,969
Fat chance Harry!
660
00:45:00,053 --> 00:45:02,725
All right then Arbee,
thrill me!
661
00:45:10,516 --> 00:45:12,274
Hippy shit!
662
00:45:37,501 --> 00:45:40,360
Sorry Guv.
Should I start again?
663
00:45:40,626 --> 00:45:42,277
Move on, move on.
664
00:46:05,634 --> 00:46:06,671
Oh dear!
665
00:46:06,696 --> 00:46:08,438
Are you all right up there?
666
00:46:08,532 --> 00:46:11,962
I seem to have stuck
my head up my rectum.
667
00:46:15,270 --> 00:46:18,579
You mean it's not part of your act?
Pity.
668
00:46:18,709 --> 00:46:21,017
We could call it:
"Passage to India."
669
00:46:21,828 --> 00:46:24,094
Come on, come on, uncontort!
670
00:46:24,347 --> 00:46:25,993
Somebody help him!
671
00:46:26,165 --> 00:46:29,297
It's no good Guv,
he's stuck fast.
672
00:46:30,585 --> 00:46:34,543
I am in need of assistance here,
please!
673
00:46:34,744 --> 00:46:38,576
Oh God, this is it!
This is the last straw!
674
00:46:47,946 --> 00:46:48,907
Bletch!
675
00:46:49,079 --> 00:46:50,438
We've got to talk!
676
00:46:51,079 --> 00:46:52,798
We've got a crisis on our hands!
677
00:46:53,134 --> 00:46:55,110
Wynyard's killed his assistant.
678
00:46:55,213 --> 00:46:56,930
Arbee's out of action...
679
00:46:57,016 --> 00:46:59,477
Sid's routine is
a complete write-off!
680
00:46:59,626 --> 00:47:03,665
We've got no alternative but
to reinstate my song!
681
00:47:03,743 --> 00:47:04,712
No!
682
00:47:04,884 --> 00:47:05,999
Bletch, I'm sorry...
683
00:47:06,024 --> 00:47:08,028
...but the show is
in a shambles!
684
00:47:08,516 --> 00:47:10,680
This is a family show,
for Chrissake!
685
00:47:10,821 --> 00:47:12,308
The network would never allow it.
686
00:47:12,407 --> 00:47:14,829
But it's a superb piece of song
and dance...
687
00:47:15,024 --> 00:47:17,139
It'll go down fabulously
with the public.
688
00:47:17,766 --> 00:47:20,188
I demand it be included!
689
00:47:20,446 --> 00:47:23,719
Keep your filthy paws
off my furniture!
690
00:47:24,093 --> 00:47:26,204
We've got a wonderful new
interpretation.
691
00:47:26,268 --> 00:47:29,305
It sort of goes like this.
Watch.
692
00:47:29,878 --> 00:47:32,153
The chorus comes in stage left...
693
00:47:34,454 --> 00:47:36,391
and there's a lovely little bit
with a piano...
694
00:47:36,466 --> 00:47:38,726
and that's where I come in
from upstage.
695
00:47:39,188 --> 00:47:40,829
And I sort of pirouette...
696
00:47:41,001 --> 00:47:43,094
and the strings are swirling
around me...
697
00:47:43,196 --> 00:47:44,219
and if you can imagine...
698
00:47:44,337 --> 00:47:46,173
and the cellos are coming in
and it's just...
699
00:47:48,602 --> 00:47:51,055
And I leap across la la!
700
00:47:54,509 --> 00:47:56,852
I say, Bletch,
put me down!
701
00:47:57,485 --> 00:48:00,919
I've had just about enough
of your Goddamn compositions.
702
00:48:01,477 --> 00:48:05,585
Now get back on the stage
and do your job!
703
00:48:08,274 --> 00:48:10,918
It's your loss, Philistine!
704
00:48:11,367 --> 00:48:12,391
Faggot!
705
00:48:22,201 --> 00:48:26,542
Good morning, Frau Heidi!
What will it be today?
706
00:48:27,844 --> 00:48:30,985
Just one of those tiny truffles,
please.
707
00:49:14,337 --> 00:49:16,293
Will that be all, Frau Heidi?
708
00:49:16,548 --> 00:49:18,837
Something to take away, maybe?
709
00:49:20,683 --> 00:49:22,735
The black forest cherry cake?
710
00:49:28,900 --> 00:49:32,929
Hi Harry!
Just doing a bit of undercover work.
711
00:49:33,399 --> 00:49:35,520
Heh!
That rash on your groin...
712
00:49:35,620 --> 00:49:36,809
...looks pretty ugly...
713
00:49:37,100 --> 00:49:39,430
...and don't taste too good neither.
714
00:49:39,592 --> 00:49:42,102
Get out of my bed, you parasite!
715
00:49:42,592 --> 00:49:45,290
Hold it right there, Harry.
That's great!
716
00:49:48,868 --> 00:49:50,306
Me nuts!
717
00:49:53,314 --> 00:49:56,089
I was sorry to hear
about your fatal disease.
718
00:49:56,209 --> 00:49:57,562
Do you have any comments?
719
00:49:57,689 --> 00:49:59,007
It's a slander,
it's libel!
720
00:49:59,128 --> 00:50:03,297
I have no fatal disease!
I'm perfectly healthy!
721
00:50:03,607 --> 00:50:07,352
Let me just see what
Dr. Quack had to say.
722
00:50:08,368 --> 00:50:09,321
Quote:
723
00:50:09,377 --> 00:50:12,436
"There's only one disease
that fits these symptoms.
724
00:50:12,564 --> 00:50:14,433
It's the big one, Harry."
725
00:50:14,533 --> 00:50:15,719
Unquote.
726
00:50:17,938 --> 00:50:19,798
Move your hand away.
727
00:50:20,048 --> 00:50:21,923
I want some shots of real tears.
728
00:50:22,516 --> 00:50:24,227
Want do you want from me?
Money?
729
00:50:24,313 --> 00:50:25,835
I'll pay you anything.
730
00:50:26,352 --> 00:50:27,423
Sorry, Harry.
731
00:50:27,594 --> 00:50:30,149
You could never pay me
what this story's worth.
732
00:50:30,407 --> 00:50:31,551
Wait! Wait!
733
00:50:31,678 --> 00:50:34,384
I'll give you
my life insurance policy.
734
00:50:34,485 --> 00:50:36,712
Life insurance?
Now you're talking.
735
00:50:36,782 --> 00:50:39,673
Come over here,
I'll sign it over to you.
736
00:50:39,796 --> 00:50:42,628
Great, I'll be able to cash it
in this time tomorrow.
737
00:50:45,688 --> 00:50:47,055
Nice try, Harry!
738
00:50:47,204 --> 00:50:49,493
I've got to go, we both
have deadlines to meet.
739
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:51,438
Get it, Harry?
"Deadline".
740
00:50:52,930 --> 00:50:55,477
That's not a bad one.
Stop press!
741
00:50:55,587 --> 00:50:58,759
Hold the front page!
I got an exclusive!
742
00:51:07,759 --> 00:51:11,157
Here!
You stuck it in the wrong way round!
743
00:51:11,454 --> 00:51:15,149
I'm sorry.
I didn't know worms had nerves.
744
00:51:15,790 --> 00:51:19,313
Since the nightmare of Vietnam
he's been a hopeless drug addict.
745
00:51:19,501 --> 00:51:22,626
It made me realise
just how lucky I am.
746
00:51:22,657 --> 00:51:25,509
How lucky we both are!
747
00:51:27,884 --> 00:51:31,055
I'm so glad we decided
to get engaged.
748
00:51:31,938 --> 00:51:33,641
Good luck for tonight, Lucy.
749
00:51:33,805 --> 00:51:35,876
- Are you nervous?
- Just a bit.
750
00:51:36,094 --> 00:51:36,993
Me too.
751
00:51:37,518 --> 00:51:39,792
Actually I'm terribly nervous.
752
00:51:40,219 --> 00:51:41,696
This is my first show.
753
00:51:41,782 --> 00:51:44,719
You'll be wonderful.
I know you will.
754
00:51:59,782 --> 00:52:01,594
I hope I'm not interrupting.
755
00:52:01,860 --> 00:52:03,805
I was just dressing
for the show.
756
00:52:03,930 --> 00:52:05,290
So I see.
757
00:52:05,509 --> 00:52:06,634
What do you want?
758
00:52:07,173 --> 00:52:09,204
A moment of your time.
759
00:52:09,430 --> 00:52:11,681
We've got something
to celebrate.
760
00:52:12,007 --> 00:52:14,860
- What's that?
- Your new career.
761
00:52:15,063 --> 00:52:18,399
Lucille, I'm going to put you
in the movies.
762
00:52:18,524 --> 00:52:19,439
Movies!
763
00:52:19,565 --> 00:52:21,751
I've been watching you
for some time.
764
00:52:21,851 --> 00:52:24,524
You've got
that indefinable something.
765
00:52:25,157 --> 00:52:27,063
Star quality!
766
00:52:28,071 --> 00:52:31,134
That's my real ambition,
to be in films!
767
00:52:31,649 --> 00:52:33,688
I've got a meaty part for you.
768
00:52:34,766 --> 00:52:36,593
Will I have to audition?
769
00:52:36,813 --> 00:52:39,279
That's what I'm here for.
770
00:52:39,571 --> 00:52:42,595
I feel woozy.
771
00:52:44,477 --> 00:52:46,829
Let me loosen your clothes.
772
00:52:46,954 --> 00:52:51,790
What beautiful white fur
you've got, my dear.
773
00:52:54,674 --> 00:52:56,641
Lucille, you left this in my room...
774
00:52:56,719 --> 00:52:59,469
Take a hike!
Can't you see that we're busy?
775
00:52:59,665 --> 00:53:01,641
- Lucille!
- Oh, Jesus!
776
00:53:02,962 --> 00:53:05,493
You've been drinking!
777
00:53:06,337 --> 00:53:09,016
It's OK.
I've finished with her anyway.
778
00:53:09,309 --> 00:53:13,266
Oh, go for your life, kid.
She's a real good ride.
779
00:53:13,468 --> 00:53:16,425
- How could you do this?
- Robert!
780
00:53:17,235 --> 00:53:19,641
Lucille, how could you?
781
00:53:19,930 --> 00:53:21,704
No!
Robert!
782
00:53:21,860 --> 00:53:23,462
Wait!
783
00:53:24,555 --> 00:53:28,126
Where is she for God's sake?
Look at the time!
784
00:53:28,352 --> 00:53:31,579
It's all right, Guv.
Miss Heidi's arrived on stage.
785
00:53:31,688 --> 00:53:34,188
At last!
From the top!
786
00:53:44,602 --> 00:53:46,806
♪ On a magic night... ♪
787
00:53:47,946 --> 00:53:50,010
♪ ...when the way you feel... ♪
788
00:53:50,782 --> 00:53:52,782
♪ ...is a mystery... ♪
789
00:53:54,001 --> 00:53:56,413
♪ ...it will be revealed. ♪
790
00:53:57,173 --> 00:53:59,493
♪ Could be an angel... ♪
791
00:54:00,540 --> 00:54:02,891
♪ ...from up above... ♪
792
00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:05,813
♪ ...with a flower... ♪
793
00:54:05,907 --> 00:54:10,048
♪ ...from a garden.
A garden of... ♪
794
00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:15,246
♪ Garden of Love. ♪
795
00:54:23,540 --> 00:54:25,435
♪ On another day... ♪
796
00:54:26,391 --> 00:54:28,516
♪ ...it may come again. ♪
797
00:54:30,324 --> 00:54:32,360
♪ It's a Valentine... ♪
798
00:54:33,657 --> 00:54:35,438
♪ ...from a special friend. ♪
799
00:54:36,540 --> 00:54:38,696
♪ That certain someone... ♪
800
00:54:39,482 --> 00:54:41,610
♪ ...you've been dreaming of... ♪
801
00:54:42,704 --> 00:54:46,035
♪ ...with a flower from the garden... ♪
802
00:54:46,618 --> 00:54:49,231
♪ ...the garden of love. ♪
803
00:54:52,757 --> 00:54:55,884
♪ Garden of Love... ♪
804
00:55:01,955 --> 00:55:07,337
♪ There are mysteries
that no one knows... ♪
805
00:55:09,009 --> 00:55:12,618
♪ ...someone offers you
a single rose... ♪
806
00:55:14,118 --> 00:55:16,844
♪ There's no limit to... ♪
807
00:55:46,610 --> 00:55:47,938
It wasn't my fault.
808
00:55:48,071 --> 00:55:51,040
You've been over-eating again!
809
00:55:51,118 --> 00:55:52,282
No I haven't.
810
00:55:53,126 --> 00:55:56,969
There is black forest cherry cake
in your cleavage.
811
00:55:58,219 --> 00:55:59,265
Ooh! How did that get there?
812
00:55:59,290 --> 00:56:02,087
You know what chocolate
does to your system.
813
00:56:02,298 --> 00:56:03,607
It was only a small wedge.
814
00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:06,196
Your contract states
you are forbidden...
815
00:56:06,259 --> 00:56:08,368
to eat gateaux
on the day of a performance.
816
00:56:09,079 --> 00:56:11,368
- I was depressed.
- You're depressed!
817
00:56:11,509 --> 00:56:15,391
We're going out live in three hours,
for God sake!
818
00:56:15,509 --> 00:56:18,477
Don't speak to me like that!
You don't understand!
819
00:56:18,649 --> 00:56:21,249
None of you understand!
820
00:56:22,410 --> 00:56:25,526
Bletch! Bletch!
821
00:56:26,415 --> 00:56:31,063
Suddenly I feel very very old.
822
00:56:35,399 --> 00:56:37,275
Bletch!
Don't you want to have me?
823
00:56:37,405 --> 00:56:38,884
I must talk to you.
824
00:56:39,005 --> 00:56:40,517
Say you love only me!
825
00:56:40,644 --> 00:56:41,997
Don't you love me?
826
00:56:42,376 --> 00:56:44,079
Don't you, Bletch?
827
00:56:45,196 --> 00:56:46,673
Oh... er... Heidi...
828
00:56:47,985 --> 00:56:49,118
Bletch?
829
00:57:00,638 --> 00:57:01,635
No!
830
00:57:01,735 --> 00:57:03,548
Heidi!
It's not what you think.
831
00:57:03,997 --> 00:57:04,997
Heidi!
832
00:57:18,571 --> 00:57:20,993
Miss Heidi,
what on earth's the matter?
833
00:57:28,376 --> 00:57:29,493
Damn!
834
00:57:52,759 --> 00:57:54,458
What took you so long?
835
00:57:54,962 --> 00:57:57,626
We were starting to think
you weren't going to show.
836
00:57:58,445 --> 00:58:01,798
We had some trouble
with Customs snooping around.
837
00:58:02,219 --> 00:58:03,509
Is it all there?
838
00:58:03,587 --> 00:58:05,329
Yeah, yeah.
It's all there.
839
00:58:05,540 --> 00:58:07,805
- I've got to go.
- Not so fast.
840
00:58:08,235 --> 00:58:10,157
It's all there, I tell you.
841
00:58:11,727 --> 00:58:14,055
What's the hurry, Louie?
842
00:58:15,649 --> 00:58:18,704
It's one hundred per cent
pure-uncut.
843
00:58:18,969 --> 00:58:20,766
I'm sure it is.
844
00:58:20,977 --> 00:58:22,641
Barry, do me a line.
845
00:58:35,344 --> 00:58:37,407
Some contracts
for you to sign, Mr. Bletch.
846
00:58:37,457 --> 00:58:40,899
Here Dennis.
I've got a little treat for you.
847
00:58:42,727 --> 00:58:44,813
Don't mind if I do Mr. Bletch.
848
00:59:13,805 --> 00:59:15,024
Borax!
849
00:59:15,227 --> 00:59:17,399
Honest to God,
I didn't know.
850
00:59:17,492 --> 00:59:19,360
I'm as surprised as you are.
851
00:59:19,415 --> 00:59:22,415
Please Mr. Bletch,
let's talk about this.
852
00:59:22,555 --> 00:59:24,602
I think that's a very good idea.
853
00:59:24,673 --> 00:59:26,485
Where's the merchandise?
854
00:59:26,673 --> 00:59:28,743
It's... it's...
855
00:59:30,798 --> 00:59:32,438
Speak up.
I can't hear you.
856
00:59:34,594 --> 00:59:36,548
It's down on the docks.
857
00:59:36,751 --> 00:59:39,032
Mr. Big's shipping it out
tonight.
858
00:59:39,173 --> 00:59:40,899
Whereabouts on the docks?
859
00:59:42,126 --> 00:59:43,141
Shed 11.
860
00:59:43,469 --> 00:59:46,688
There, that wasn't so hard,
was it?
861
00:59:47,009 --> 00:59:48,040
Now, then...
862
00:59:48,196 --> 00:59:50,766
What are we going to do
with all this borax?
863
00:59:51,149 --> 00:59:53,048
You seem a bit congested, Louie.
864
00:59:53,134 --> 00:59:55,766
Maybe your passages need
cleaning.
865
00:59:56,391 --> 00:59:57,946
I don't understand.
866
00:59:58,048 --> 00:59:59,204
Say "ah".
867
00:59:59,876 --> 01:00:01,418
Oh, no... no!
868
01:00:01,622 --> 01:00:05,011
No, Mr. Bletch, please!
869
01:00:15,563 --> 01:00:19,009
You liquidated him real good,
boss.
870
01:00:26,649 --> 01:00:30,360
I think it's time we paid our
Mr. Big a visit.
871
01:00:34,113 --> 01:00:35,148
Bletch...
872
01:00:35,454 --> 01:00:39,110
- I'm sorry, the show's off.
- What the hell are you talking about?
873
01:00:39,173 --> 01:00:40,462
Heidi refuses to perform.
874
01:00:40,571 --> 01:00:43,829
The network won't proceed without her,
they cancel the live transmission.
875
01:00:43,930 --> 01:00:45,719
What do you mean?
Of course she's performing.
876
01:00:45,766 --> 01:00:47,040
I'm sorry Bletch.
877
01:00:47,134 --> 01:00:50,727
She's locked herself in her room
and won't talk to anyone.
878
01:00:51,766 --> 01:00:53,946
Give me five minutes.
879
01:00:54,962 --> 01:00:57,368
It's all over.
Go home everybody.
880
01:00:57,532 --> 01:00:58,532
It's kaput.
881
01:00:58,641 --> 01:01:00,477
Finito!
Buggered!
882
01:01:00,790 --> 01:01:02,376
It's all off!
883
01:01:02,643 --> 01:01:06,212
Oh my goodness!
Steady me, Barton.
884
01:01:06,368 --> 01:01:08,680
I think I'm going to faint.
885
01:01:10,098 --> 01:01:11,219
Heidi!
886
01:01:11,329 --> 01:01:13,103
It's Bletch!
887
01:01:20,079 --> 01:01:23,430
Heidi,
I want to make love to you.
888
01:01:23,555 --> 01:01:25,368
Oh, Bletch!
889
01:01:25,993 --> 01:01:30,423
You drive me crazy.
Come over here and undo my buttons!
890
01:01:32,157 --> 01:01:34,469
You mad impetuous brute!
891
01:01:37,680 --> 01:01:39,571
I knew you'd come.
892
01:02:02,274 --> 01:02:04,634
Somebody call the network.
893
01:02:04,977 --> 01:02:07,790
The show will go on!
894
01:02:26,946 --> 01:02:30,696
So I got out me razor
and slit his throat.
895
01:02:31,298 --> 01:02:34,204
Then I buggered the bastard.
896
01:02:35,032 --> 01:02:36,399
Oh, straight Cedric.
897
01:02:36,665 --> 01:02:38,376
It's bad enough getting wasted,
but...
898
01:02:38,462 --> 01:02:42,884
to have your last living memory
being rooted by a Scots psychopath...
899
01:02:43,016 --> 01:02:45,548
it's what I call a real bummer,
mate.
900
01:02:45,704 --> 01:02:46,844
What's that?
901
01:02:46,946 --> 01:02:49,227
Oh Christ! Lookout!
902
01:02:50,270 --> 01:02:51,717
Bastards!
903
01:03:45,509 --> 01:03:48,743
Bastards...
...I'm buggered!
904
01:03:53,821 --> 01:03:55,789
Right men, let's load up.
905
01:04:10,024 --> 01:04:11,743
That's the lot, boss.
906
01:04:12,274 --> 01:04:14,430
Time we made ourselves scarce.
907
01:04:33,501 --> 01:04:34,852
Move it, Trevor!
908
01:04:38,822 --> 01:04:40,009
Oh Jesus!
909
01:04:41,131 --> 01:04:42,290
Shit!
910
01:04:44,219 --> 01:04:46,040
Drive, for Chrissake!
911
01:04:48,038 --> 01:04:49,313
Plant boot!
912
01:04:55,829 --> 01:04:58,541
God I hate arachnids!
913
01:05:18,918 --> 01:05:20,836
Christ... it's Mr. Big!
914
01:05:22,653 --> 01:05:27,110
Hello Bletch.
Where are you going?
915
01:05:27,696 --> 01:05:30,454
I'm taking what's mine.
Don't try to stop us.
916
01:05:30,548 --> 01:05:33,376
You're out of your league,
little fella.
917
01:05:33,571 --> 01:05:37,266
Kiss your arse goodbye!
918
01:05:37,719 --> 01:05:38,891
Take him out Trevor.
919
01:05:48,563 --> 01:05:51,999
Change down Trevor,
the duodenum's pretty steep.
920
01:05:57,805 --> 01:05:59,735
Which way, boss?
Left or right?
921
01:05:59,844 --> 01:06:01,251
Follow the light.
922
01:06:09,798 --> 01:06:11,930
Get me back to the theater
double quick!
923
01:06:12,048 --> 01:06:13,313
Sure thing, boss.
924
01:06:13,509 --> 01:06:16,751
I'll have to change my suit.
I'm covered in ambergris.
925
01:06:21,040 --> 01:06:22,868
Where's Harry?
He's meant to be here!
926
01:06:22,946 --> 01:06:25,571
Move the carrot to the left.
Have you focused the spot?
927
01:06:25,719 --> 01:06:27,704
Where's Harry for God's sake?
928
01:06:27,915 --> 01:06:29,587
Don't look like
Harry's going to perform.
929
01:06:30,016 --> 01:06:31,329
He's had a bad turn.
930
01:06:31,373 --> 01:06:33,032
No problem...
931
01:06:33,394 --> 01:06:35,149
We'll bring "The Garden of Love" forward.
932
01:06:35,188 --> 01:06:37,118
We're on a roll everybody.
933
01:06:38,110 --> 01:06:40,985
Miss Heidi, you look radiant.
934
01:06:41,579 --> 01:06:43,634
Dorothy, I feel radiant!
935
01:06:43,759 --> 01:06:46,805
Tonight will be
the performance of my life!
936
01:06:47,712 --> 01:06:50,571
- Kill me if you want to, Harry.
- It's too late.
937
01:06:50,664 --> 01:06:53,813
It won't make any difference.
The story's already gone to press.
938
01:06:53,844 --> 01:06:56,829
You overgrown maggot!
You're bluffing!
939
01:06:57,259 --> 01:06:58,594
Am I Harry?
940
01:06:58,884 --> 01:07:00,868
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
941
01:07:01,007 --> 01:07:03,516
Famous Feeble has
death row sex disease!
942
01:07:03,548 --> 01:07:06,407
Congratulations,
you're front-page news.
943
01:07:08,796 --> 01:07:11,087
Extra, extra!
Read all about it!
944
01:07:11,722 --> 01:07:14,446
Extra! Extra, extra!
945
01:07:14,524 --> 01:07:17,071
Sex disease strikes
Feeble fraternity.
946
01:07:17,261 --> 01:07:19,410
Thank you, ma'am.
Extra, extra!
947
01:07:19,603 --> 01:07:21,462
Sex disease...
Thank you, sir.
948
01:07:25,121 --> 01:07:27,876
Jesus Christ!
Do you know anything about this?
949
01:07:28,057 --> 01:07:29,204
Not a thing, boss.
950
01:07:29,301 --> 01:07:33,665
Why couldn't that bed-hopping bunny
keep his member to himself?
951
01:07:34,077 --> 01:07:35,829
Who wrote this crap?
952
01:07:35,957 --> 01:07:37,251
I've got a good idea, boss.
953
01:07:37,344 --> 01:07:38,626
Find him!
954
01:07:40,475 --> 01:07:43,933
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
955
01:07:44,719 --> 01:07:47,594
Welcome to the newest,
the greatest...
956
01:07:47,751 --> 01:07:49,782
the most spectacular show...
957
01:07:49,907 --> 01:07:51,427
in entertainment history.
958
01:07:52,055 --> 01:07:53,507
Put your hands together...
959
01:07:53,631 --> 01:07:57,016
for the fabulous
Feebles Variety Hour!
960
01:08:03,488 --> 01:08:06,718
♪ Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles. ♪
961
01:08:07,123 --> 01:08:10,000
♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪
962
01:08:10,326 --> 01:08:14,113
♪ Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles. ♪
963
01:08:14,385 --> 01:08:17,182
This is a historic moment, Arthur.
964
01:08:17,784 --> 01:08:21,134
Tonight we rocket
into super stardom!
965
01:08:21,813 --> 01:08:24,493
It's an honour to be a part of it,
Mr. Bletch.
966
01:08:29,560 --> 01:08:31,436
♪ ...when you Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles! ♪
967
01:08:33,599 --> 01:08:36,415
Hey Trev,
I've got fifty bucks, man.
968
01:08:36,765 --> 01:08:38,720
I've got to have it.
I'm on real soon.
969
01:08:38,969 --> 01:08:42,571
This is serious, man.
Look at my hands.
970
01:08:42,635 --> 01:08:44,113
Come with me.
971
01:08:44,962 --> 01:08:48,243
Gorblimey!
Is that a real Havana, Mr. Bletch?
972
01:08:48,327 --> 01:08:50,477
Would you like one, Arthur?
973
01:08:51,155 --> 01:08:52,423
Would I ever!
974
01:09:03,049 --> 01:09:06,493
Thanks a million, Mr. Bletch.
You're a scholar and a gent.
975
01:09:10,227 --> 01:09:13,563
I haven't had one of these
since me twenty-first.
976
01:09:16,785 --> 01:09:20,485
It's a real man's smoke,
ain't it, Mr. Bletch?
977
01:09:44,377 --> 01:09:46,014
♪ On another day... ♪
978
01:09:46,524 --> 01:09:48,611
♪ ...it may come again... ♪
979
01:09:49,930 --> 01:09:51,768
♪ It's a Valentine... ♪
980
01:09:53,079 --> 01:09:55,165
♪ ...from a special friend... ♪
981
01:09:56,243 --> 01:09:58,282
♪ That certain someone... ♪
982
01:09:59,932 --> 01:10:02,032
Bletch,
it's going fabulously!
983
01:10:02,188 --> 01:10:03,906
I've just heard
from the network.
984
01:10:04,142 --> 01:10:07,407
They've confirmed
a syndicated series!
985
01:10:07,732 --> 01:10:12,204
And the critics!
The critics are adoring it!
986
01:10:12,414 --> 01:10:15,325
A syndicated series, eh?
987
01:10:16,028 --> 01:10:17,858
Well done, Sebastian.
988
01:10:18,006 --> 01:10:20,156
I can see the headlines now.
989
01:10:20,406 --> 01:10:22,680
"Director's Artistic Genius...
990
01:10:22,805 --> 01:10:24,966
Makes Feeble Evening...
991
01:10:25,146 --> 01:10:26,810
Outstanding Success".
992
01:10:27,723 --> 01:10:29,662
I've got to go on!
993
01:10:29,963 --> 01:10:31,554
I've got to go on!
994
01:10:31,682 --> 01:10:33,400
My public loves me.
995
01:10:34,021 --> 01:10:35,977
I can't disappoint them.
996
01:10:36,821 --> 01:10:39,107
Robert, we have to talk.
997
01:10:39,357 --> 01:10:41,263
We have nothing to say each other.
998
01:10:41,337 --> 01:10:43,247
I want to tell you what happened.
999
01:10:43,383 --> 01:10:45,013
I thought you were nice.
1000
01:10:45,138 --> 01:10:46,491
I am nice.
1001
01:10:46,618 --> 01:10:48,795
No, you're not.
You're loose!
1002
01:10:49,662 --> 01:10:51,653
- And you drink!
- No!
1003
01:10:52,485 --> 01:10:55,029
You're nothing but
a loose lush, Lucille!
1004
01:10:55,303 --> 01:10:57,787
And... I never want
to see you again.
1005
01:11:05,272 --> 01:11:07,935
♪ The garden of love... ♪
1006
01:11:22,612 --> 01:11:25,404
I say everyone,
who's the dirty person...
1007
01:11:25,765 --> 01:11:30,042
who did the great big stinky poo
that's blocking up the toilet?
1008
01:11:30,274 --> 01:11:33,504
God Trevor, must you be
so disgusting?
1009
01:11:33,743 --> 01:11:34,912
Oh, choice!
1010
01:11:45,052 --> 01:11:46,959
What are you doing?
Let me go!
1011
01:11:47,139 --> 01:11:50,130
You've been telling stories again,
haven't you?
1012
01:11:50,378 --> 01:11:53,599
You got a problem with the article,
write to the editor.
1013
01:11:53,685 --> 01:11:55,574
That won't be necessary.
1014
01:11:55,736 --> 01:11:57,029
Help me!
1015
01:11:58,519 --> 01:12:01,988
What do you know, boss,
a left-wing reporter!
1016
01:12:02,384 --> 01:12:05,177
We can't have a biased press,
can we Trevor?
1017
01:12:05,269 --> 01:12:06,463
No boss.
1018
01:12:13,430 --> 01:12:16,862
Now that's what I call
an impartial journalist.
1019
01:12:31,330 --> 01:12:32,791
Hello Bletch!
1020
01:12:33,510 --> 01:12:36,596
Heidi!
What the hell are you doing here?
1021
01:12:36,743 --> 01:12:38,176
Congratulations!
1022
01:12:38,658 --> 01:12:41,283
The show is a wonderful success!
1023
01:12:41,502 --> 01:12:42,571
What do you want?
1024
01:12:42,791 --> 01:12:45,643
Our encounter this afternoon
was so brief!
1025
01:12:46,252 --> 01:12:49,182
I thought you might like
a second helping.
1026
01:12:50,510 --> 01:12:51,296
Heidi!
1027
01:12:51,396 --> 01:12:53,812
For Chrissake
put your dress back on!
1028
01:12:53,938 --> 01:12:55,463
Come and sit next to me.
1029
01:12:55,696 --> 01:12:58,963
If it's too hot for you,
I can turn on the air conditioning.
1030
01:12:59,096 --> 01:13:02,929
I'm hot Bletch,
but not the way you think.
1031
01:13:04,015 --> 01:13:07,237
You're not feeling shy,
are you Bletch?
1032
01:13:09,453 --> 01:13:11,947
Do you remember that time
in Paris?
1033
01:13:12,332 --> 01:13:16,006
We didn't leave the hotel
for three whole days!
1034
01:13:16,131 --> 01:13:17,158
I remember all right.
1035
01:13:17,258 --> 01:13:19,718
I had to go to the hospital
with severe chafing.
1036
01:13:19,908 --> 01:13:21,026
Kiss me, Bletch!
1037
01:13:21,104 --> 01:13:24,096
Get away from me!
You shuddering mound of blubber!
1038
01:13:24,322 --> 01:13:27,143
Have you any idea
how revolting you look?
1039
01:13:27,168 --> 01:13:28,947
Bletch... no!
1040
01:13:29,143 --> 01:13:30,838
You disgust me!
Look at you!
1041
01:13:30,987 --> 01:13:34,588
You're old and you're fat...
and you smell bad...
1042
01:13:34,758 --> 01:13:35,732
No!
1043
01:13:35,832 --> 01:13:37,401
I was going to wait
till after the show...
1044
01:13:37,479 --> 01:13:38,987
but I might as well tell you now.
1045
01:13:39,057 --> 01:13:42,261
You're through with the Feebles!
I don't need you!
1046
01:13:42,383 --> 01:13:44,850
I've got a syndicated series...
1047
01:13:44,982 --> 01:13:47,588
and I'm grooming Samantha
to be the star.
1048
01:13:47,901 --> 01:13:48,736
No!
1049
01:13:48,861 --> 01:13:52,091
I hope you enjoyed tonight.
That was your last performance!
1050
01:13:52,533 --> 01:13:54,557
Now get out of here!
1051
01:14:30,001 --> 01:14:33,845
And now, someone
who needs no introduction.
1052
01:14:34,527 --> 01:14:36,756
Heeere's...
1053
01:14:37,983 --> 01:14:39,717
Harry!
1054
01:14:59,210 --> 01:15:00,822
Yipeeeee!
1055
01:15:05,214 --> 01:15:06,214
Oh shit!
1056
01:15:12,230 --> 01:15:14,420
Launch the carrot!
For God sakes launch the carrot!!
1057
01:15:17,893 --> 01:15:21,123
What am I going to do?
Oh my God!
1058
01:15:22,415 --> 01:15:25,095
Sidney, you're going to have
to fill in for a few minutes.
1059
01:15:25,211 --> 01:15:28,247
But... I've got to go the toilet.
1060
01:15:28,370 --> 01:15:29,769
Improvise!
1061
01:15:30,050 --> 01:15:31,198
Improvise!
1062
01:15:31,809 --> 01:15:34,595
But I've got a really weak bladder!
1063
01:15:37,775 --> 01:15:38,801
Say something!
1064
01:15:39,095 --> 01:15:41,759
Go on, say something!
Anything!
1065
01:15:42,006 --> 01:15:46,142
The show is going really well,
I think.
1066
01:15:53,337 --> 01:15:55,173
Goodbye, Bletch.
1067
01:16:03,302 --> 01:16:06,236
We'll drop the barrel balancing act
and bring the knife throwing forward.
1068
01:16:06,361 --> 01:16:11,259
Where the hell is Wynyard?
Why isn't anybody listening to me?
1069
01:16:11,437 --> 01:16:14,269
And so without further ado
please give a big hand...
1070
01:16:14,396 --> 01:16:17,034
for our fabulous knife thrower.
1071
01:16:17,361 --> 01:16:18,743
Sidney!
1072
01:16:18,899 --> 01:16:20,400
Oh, no!
1073
01:16:20,812 --> 01:16:23,220
You philandering bastard!
1074
01:16:23,501 --> 01:16:26,987
Sandy, not in front of all the people!
1075
01:16:27,283 --> 01:16:29,750
What I have to say
I want the world to know.
1076
01:16:29,911 --> 01:16:32,626
He may look like
a lovable old pachyderm...
1077
01:16:32,689 --> 01:16:34,343
but he's a steaming great shit!
1078
01:16:34,470 --> 01:16:36,462
I don't believe it!
1079
01:16:45,632 --> 01:16:47,056
Goodbye life!
1080
01:16:47,939 --> 01:16:49,334
Hello death!
1081
01:17:09,486 --> 01:17:13,211
Hey Seb!
Good to see you, man.
1082
01:17:13,338 --> 01:17:16,095
Pull yourself together!
You're next up!
1083
01:17:16,777 --> 01:17:21,371
Have you ever noticed
the beautiful lighting in this toilet?
1084
01:17:22,095 --> 01:17:24,210
He used me to vent
his lustful passions...
1085
01:17:24,334 --> 01:17:26,802
but as soon as I was up the duff
it was another story.
1086
01:17:26,978 --> 01:17:30,243
He had his pleasure
and left me with this.
1087
01:17:30,372 --> 01:17:32,090
Dadda!
1088
01:17:32,212 --> 01:17:34,134
Seymour, run to Daddy.
1089
01:17:34,236 --> 01:17:36,089
Dadda! Dadda!
1090
01:17:36,211 --> 01:17:38,087
Oh, no!
Look, I've got to go.
1091
01:17:38,210 --> 01:17:40,501
I've got an urgent call of nature.
1092
01:17:40,736 --> 01:17:42,376
That's right, run away!
1093
01:17:42,533 --> 01:17:43,822
That's what you've always done.
1094
01:17:43,899 --> 01:17:45,415
You guttersnipe!
1095
01:17:47,607 --> 01:17:50,361
I don't think I'm going to make it!
1096
01:17:53,925 --> 01:17:56,882
Oh yes, a good conditioner
works wonders on my coat.
1097
01:17:57,218 --> 01:17:59,072
Oh, Sid, no!
1098
01:18:00,368 --> 01:18:02,926
Oh sorry guys.
I was bursting.
1099
01:18:03,043 --> 01:18:04,629
Oh Sid-you bastard!
1100
01:18:04,863 --> 01:18:06,434
You're supposed to wait
till it's all clear!
1101
01:18:06,543 --> 01:18:09,681
Thanks a lot, Sid!
I'm on in five minutes.
1102
01:18:17,207 --> 01:18:19,613
Goodbye life!
1103
01:18:31,074 --> 01:18:32,711
Oh, there it is!
1104
01:18:38,680 --> 01:18:41,240
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
1105
01:18:41,631 --> 01:18:43,382
Don't let me stop you.
1106
01:18:46,829 --> 01:18:49,626
I think you'll find
the safety catch is on.
1107
01:18:53,787 --> 01:18:58,142
Eat lead you man-stealing slut!
1108
01:19:14,740 --> 01:19:17,736
Oh yeah!
Hey, wow!
1109
01:19:18,046 --> 01:19:19,939
Amazing!
1110
01:19:25,017 --> 01:19:26,336
Bastard!
1111
01:19:29,896 --> 01:19:30,896
Bastard!
1112
01:19:36,927 --> 01:19:38,900
Where'd it go?
1113
01:19:46,430 --> 01:19:47,430
God.
1114
01:19:52,767 --> 01:19:55,501
That's it!
I'm left with no alternative!
1115
01:19:55,808 --> 01:19:59,685
I don't care what Bletch says.
We're doing my song!
1116
01:19:59,806 --> 01:20:03,806
It's up to me to save the show,
as usual.
1117
01:20:03,965 --> 01:20:06,689
All right, everybody!
As we rehearsed!
1118
01:20:06,884 --> 01:20:08,442
Ah, please God!
1119
01:20:08,564 --> 01:20:11,439
I know I've been a bad bunny...
1120
01:20:11,689 --> 01:20:15,931
but if you make me well again
I promise... promise...
1121
01:20:16,094 --> 01:20:19,178
I'll be good
for the rest of my life.
1122
01:20:20,770 --> 01:20:23,181
- What?
- Hi Harry.
1123
01:20:23,314 --> 01:20:25,908
I've just received your test results...
1124
01:20:25,978 --> 01:20:27,252
and guess what...
1125
01:20:27,558 --> 01:20:30,230
- I made a boo boo.
- A boo boo?
1126
01:20:30,318 --> 01:20:32,353
Yeah Harry.
You're in the clear.
1127
01:20:32,630 --> 01:20:35,345
You just got a bad case
of bunny pox.
1128
01:20:35,891 --> 01:20:39,697
Take two aspirins
and stay in bed for a week.
1129
01:20:40,314 --> 01:20:42,031
I'll send you my bill.
1130
01:20:42,833 --> 01:20:44,454
Yippeee!
1131
01:20:46,329 --> 01:20:47,548
Yippeeee!
1132
01:20:49,103 --> 01:20:50,783
I'm in the clear everybody!
1133
01:20:50,908 --> 01:20:53,814
I haven't got it!
I haven't got myxomatosis!
1134
01:20:53,945 --> 01:20:55,681
I haven't got myx...
1135
01:21:03,866 --> 01:21:06,243
He wouldn't dare!
1136
01:21:07,185 --> 01:21:09,062
Oh Christ, he's not!
1137
01:21:09,265 --> 01:21:11,494
Oh yes he is, boss.
1138
01:21:19,062 --> 01:21:20,650
♪ Sodomy... ♪
1139
01:21:21,400 --> 01:21:22,992
♪ ...you must think it
very odd of me... ♪
1140
01:21:23,260 --> 01:21:25,697
♪ ...that I enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪
1141
01:21:26,100 --> 01:21:28,408
♪ You might call the wrath
of God on me... ♪
1142
01:21:28,539 --> 01:21:33,587
♪ ...but if you try it then you might agree
that you enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪
1143
01:21:40,173 --> 01:21:44,206
♪ Don't worry if you feel ashamed.
It's been around for years. ♪
1144
01:21:44,334 --> 01:21:47,931
♪ Thousands more than can be named
are interested in rears. ♪
1145
01:21:48,373 --> 01:21:50,886
♪ Don't worry about hell... ♪
1146
01:21:51,012 --> 01:21:53,081
♪ ...no harm will come to your soul. ♪
1147
01:21:53,211 --> 01:21:58,648
♪ We're not all Pentecostal,
but everybody's got an arsehole. ♪
1148
01:21:59,729 --> 01:22:02,526
♪ Let me tell you about sodomy. ♪
1149
01:22:02,648 --> 01:22:04,843
♪ You must think it very odd of me... ♪
1150
01:22:04,968 --> 01:22:07,686
♪ ...that I enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪
1151
01:22:07,807 --> 01:22:10,559
♪ You may call the wrath of God
on me... ♪
1152
01:22:10,686 --> 01:22:16,156
♪ ...but if you try it then you might agree
that you enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪
1153
01:22:16,804 --> 01:22:21,512
♪ It might just improve your sex,
it's a hard act to follow. ♪
1154
01:22:21,642 --> 01:22:24,678
♪ A fact that fundamentalists
find difficult to swallow. ♪
1155
01:22:26,041 --> 01:22:28,095
♪ So join me as I sing... ♪
1156
01:22:28,189 --> 01:22:31,114
♪ ...of an activity that's fun. ♪
1157
01:22:31,239 --> 01:22:36,551
♪ Open up your ring
and try it front to bum. ♪
1158
01:22:36,678 --> 01:22:39,475
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum... ♪
1159
01:22:39,597 --> 01:22:40,824
♪ Sodomy... ♪
1160
01:22:40,956 --> 01:22:43,550
♪ ...you must think it very odd of me... ♪
1161
01:22:43,676 --> 01:22:46,553
♪ ...that I enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪
1162
01:22:46,675 --> 01:22:49,472
♪ You might call the wrath of God
on me... ♪
1163
01:22:49,594 --> 01:22:57,770
♪ but if you try it then you might agree
that you enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪
1164
01:23:00,743 --> 01:23:02,658
♪ Sodomy! ♪
1165
01:23:16,266 --> 01:23:18,017
- Trevor.
- Yes boss?
1166
01:23:18,045 --> 01:23:21,116
I want that fudge-packer eliminated.
1167
01:23:28,362 --> 01:23:30,192
Now put that gun down Heidi.
1168
01:23:30,721 --> 01:23:33,951
You're not solving anything
by massacring people.
1169
01:23:40,638 --> 01:23:43,834
♪ Meet the Feebles
meet the Feebles... ♪
1170
01:23:43,957 --> 01:23:47,312
♪ We're not your average ordinary people... ♪
1171
01:23:47,436 --> 01:23:50,204
♪ Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles... ♪
1172
01:24:23,265 --> 01:24:24,492
My God!
1173
01:24:24,704 --> 01:24:26,111
Oh God no!
1174
01:25:08,689 --> 01:25:10,048
Seymour!
1175
01:25:10,930 --> 01:25:12,045
Seymour!
1176
01:25:14,126 --> 01:25:16,806
I'm coming!
Seymour!
1177
01:25:24,006 --> 01:25:25,345
Daddy...
1178
01:25:27,405 --> 01:25:29,790
Daddy's here, Seymour!
1179
01:25:30,681 --> 01:25:32,595
Seymour!
1180
01:25:39,181 --> 01:25:41,357
Daddy!
Seymour!
1181
01:26:14,071 --> 01:26:16,300
I don't care what you've done,
Lucille.
1182
01:26:16,430 --> 01:26:18,385
I love you so very very much...
1183
01:26:18,549 --> 01:26:20,426
and I want you to marry me.
1184
01:26:20,549 --> 01:26:24,096
Oh Robert, I love you too!
1185
01:26:24,227 --> 01:26:26,616
I was never unfaithful,
it was Trevor.
1186
01:26:26,747 --> 01:26:29,499
He drugged my drink
and tried to ravish me.
1187
01:26:30,001 --> 01:26:31,478
The dirty rat!
1188
01:26:33,033 --> 01:26:34,033
Christ!
1189
01:26:35,764 --> 01:26:36,832
Heidi!
1190
01:26:39,623 --> 01:26:41,087
Put the gun down!
1191
01:27:17,287 --> 01:27:20,251
Heidi, for God sake!
1192
01:27:24,529 --> 01:27:28,486
Heidi, I still love you!
1193
01:27:34,517 --> 01:27:36,009
Bletch...
1194
01:27:47,442 --> 01:27:49,306
Kill her, Trevor!
1195
01:27:49,641 --> 01:27:51,676
It’ll be a pleasure, boss.
1196
01:27:52,600 --> 01:27:54,204
You rotter!
1197
01:28:15,790 --> 01:28:16,876
Shit!
1198
01:28:34,001 --> 01:28:37,908
Miss Heidi,
I know you're a real star and all that...
1199
01:28:38,087 --> 01:28:40,944
but I'm afraid I'm going to
have to dob you in.
1200
01:28:43,144 --> 01:28:45,947
Could you do
one last thing for me, Arthur?
1201
01:28:47,234 --> 01:28:48,993
Anything, Miss Heidi.
1202
01:28:51,663 --> 01:28:53,962
Play "The Garden of Love"
1203
01:29:02,698 --> 01:29:05,509
♪ On a magic night... ♪
1204
01:29:07,057 --> 01:29:10,072
♪ ...when the way you feel... ♪
1205
01:29:11,296 --> 01:29:14,207
♪ ...is a mystery... ♪
1206
01:29:15,175 --> 01:29:18,246
♪ ...it will be revealed. ♪
1207
01:29:19,013 --> 01:29:22,607
♪ Could be an angel... ♪
1208
01:29:23,001 --> 01:29:26,121
♪ ...from up above... ♪
1209
01:29:27,131 --> 01:29:30,964
♪ ...with a flower from the garden... ♪
1210
01:29:30,989 --> 01:29:35,344
♪ ...the garden of love. ♪
1211
01:29:38,567 --> 01:29:43,924
♪ Garden of love. ♪