1
00:00:40,530 --> 00:00:42,799
Did you know that when someone attractive
enters your sightline
2
00:00:42,899 --> 00:00:45,669
your pupils dilate 20 percent?
3
00:00:45,769 --> 00:00:49,206
Or when someone falls in love
their brain floods with dopamine?
4
00:00:49,306 --> 00:00:53,676
You know what else causes
that chemical reaction? Narcotics.
5
00:00:54,476 --> 00:00:56,411
It's crazy, right?
6
00:00:56,511 --> 00:00:59,515
But that's the fun shit
I'm learning right now.
7
00:01:00,215 --> 00:01:03,485
See, I've been hired to write
this romantic comedy screenplay...
8
00:01:04,208 --> 00:01:09,091
and the problem is I've never actually,
you know... been in love, so...
9
00:01:13,327 --> 00:01:15,930
it's slow-going.
10
00:01:16,865 --> 00:01:19,033
Yeah... intelligent.
11
00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:21,569
To help, I rely on this writer's trick.
12
00:01:21,969 --> 00:01:23,938
When other people tell me
their tales of romance
13
00:01:24,038 --> 00:01:27,141
I try to imagine myself
as the characters in the story.
14
00:01:27,241 --> 00:01:31,045
You know, the ones... in love.
15
00:01:31,145 --> 00:01:35,765
It's kind of a desperate attempt to feel
something, I suppose. Anything, really.
16
00:01:35,865 --> 00:01:39,753
It's a little narcissistic,
but it works.
17
00:01:41,154 --> 00:01:45,891
I think the closest I ever came
would be the summer of '89.
18
00:01:47,527 --> 00:01:50,063
Kristin... my babysitter.
19
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We were deeply, passionately,
madly in love for one glorious night.
20
00:01:54,633 --> 00:01:57,670
Until my granddad came home
early from poker.
21
00:01:57,770 --> 00:02:01,052
God, could she dance.
I think since then,
22
00:02:01,152 --> 00:02:05,178
all of my experiences involving love
usually start out something like this.
23
00:02:07,513 --> 00:02:09,481
You know, I always did think
you were pretty cute.
24
00:02:09,581 --> 00:02:12,083
You still got that boyfriend?
25
00:02:12,183 --> 00:02:15,466
- Yeah.
- You guys in love?
26
00:02:17,856 --> 00:02:20,825
Then they lead somewhere like this.
27
00:02:22,493 --> 00:02:26,730
And then usually end up
something like this.
28
00:02:27,331 --> 00:02:29,833
How about some back story?
29
00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:33,476
- No, it's a RomCom.
- No... romance.
30
00:02:33,576 --> 00:02:36,907
It's a favor for the producer,
because the studio hates the third act.
31
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This is gonna be huge. Okay?
32
00:02:39,176 --> 00:02:43,180
They have... Ashley Tisdale
from High School Musical
33
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:47,784
and Matthew Morrison from Glee!
It's gonna be huge!
34
00:02:48,184 --> 00:02:50,731
I can see the poster now, man.
35
00:02:50,831 --> 00:02:53,503
- Morr-Ash.
- That's not a thing.
36
00:02:53,603 --> 00:02:57,054
I just made it a thing.
Come on, play along!
37
00:02:58,394 --> 00:03:00,920
Work your magic on this one
because the same producer
38
00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:03,179
has a huge action job coming up.
39
00:03:03,279 --> 00:03:06,134
- All right? Set in Malaysia!
- You know I'm dying to write action.
40
00:03:06,234 --> 00:03:10,472
So, do the RomCom
and I will get you the action job.
41
00:03:10,572 --> 00:03:14,810
It's six weeks in Malaysia!
Malaysian women.
42
00:03:16,444 --> 00:03:19,681
- You ever bang a Malaysian chick before?
- No.
43
00:03:19,781 --> 00:03:23,753
Man... this cigarette is like
an elephant's dick to them.
44
00:03:24,053 --> 00:03:28,190
They're sweet and warm and genuine.
They're caring, beautiful women...
45
00:03:29,873 --> 00:03:32,393
that you can rip apart!
46
00:03:32,993 --> 00:03:34,577
Yeah!
47
00:03:34,677 --> 00:03:37,410
And Swayze says to her,
for the first time,
48
00:03:37,510 --> 00:03:39,199
because he's never
been able to say this before...
49
00:03:39,299 --> 00:03:43,337
"I love you, Molly. I...
50
00:03:45,839 --> 00:03:47,707
"I've always loved you."
51
00:03:47,807 --> 00:03:52,411
And then Demi Moore
says to him, "Ditto."
52
00:03:52,511 --> 00:03:55,948
Remember that's what he said to her...
at the beginning of the movie?
53
00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:58,718
Okay. It's no Terminator, but...
54
00:03:58,818 --> 00:04:01,254
What? I'm s... wait, what?
55
00:04:01,354 --> 00:04:04,856
I'm sorry, you think Terminator
is more romantic than Ghost?
56
00:04:04,956 --> 00:04:05,825
Yeah.
57
00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:09,728
Okay, you're messing with me.
Oh, my God, you're not messing with me.
58
00:04:09,828 --> 00:04:13,004
- Okay, Terminator? Okay...
- It's the same guy who did Titanic.
59
00:04:13,104 --> 00:04:16,534
Okay... this is...
my head's gonna explode.
60
00:04:16,634 --> 00:04:18,904
I'll be back.
61
00:04:19,704 --> 00:04:21,784
And that's not a reference to...
62
00:04:21,884 --> 00:04:24,731
many people have said that...
in the history of time.
63
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:28,846
This is my buddy, Scott.
We'd been friends since the day we met.
64
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,217
Excuse me!
65
00:04:34,152 --> 00:04:36,143
You left your...
66
00:04:38,089 --> 00:04:40,791
Hey! You left your package!
67
00:04:43,392 --> 00:04:44,901
Hey!
68
00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:47,063
Hey, wait up!
69
00:04:47,163 --> 00:04:48,252
Shit!
70
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:53,536
Shit. Don't hurt me, I'm a writer.
71
00:04:53,636 --> 00:04:55,805
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Why are you running?
72
00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:58,848
- Because you were chasing me!
- Because you left your package.
73
00:04:58,948 --> 00:05:01,243
On purpose... Oh, my God.
74
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:04,680
Who leaves packages on purpose?
You can't do that shit post-911, you know.
75
00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:07,617
It's my favorite novel,
Love in the Time of Cholera.
76
00:05:07,717 --> 00:05:12,917
I leave it random places
for people to find. It's...
77
00:05:13,017 --> 00:05:14,690
It's my art.
78
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,294
- You're insane?
- Yeah.
79
00:05:20,394 --> 00:05:22,557
- What's your name?
- I'm Scott.
80
00:05:22,657 --> 00:05:25,700
- All right. Let's get your bag.
- Holy shit.
81
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:29,003
All right, what's up, N-word?
82
00:05:29,103 --> 00:05:32,440
So, the guy character
has multiple personalities.
83
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:35,176
He meets the girl character,
who has multiple personalities.
84
00:05:35,276 --> 00:05:40,317
And one of his personalities falls in love
with one of her personalities.
85
00:05:40,681 --> 00:05:42,149
That sounds really good.
86
00:05:43,617 --> 00:05:46,253
It's terrible. It's full of clich�s.
87
00:05:46,353 --> 00:05:50,253
It has a gay, best friend personality.
It has a bitch, girlfriend personality.
88
00:05:50,353 --> 00:05:52,425
It has a feisty, Hispanic personality.
89
00:05:52,525 --> 00:05:55,361
It has a black, female,
detective personality.
90
00:05:55,661 --> 00:05:58,122
Oh, there's even an act three
running-through-an-airport scene.
91
00:05:59,231 --> 00:06:01,234
God, I love
running-through-the-airport scenes.
92
00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:04,437
Okay, we gotta top that.
Put them on a bridge.
93
00:06:04,837 --> 00:06:06,454
How romantic is that?
You got two people on a bridge,
94
00:06:06,554 --> 00:06:10,029
maybe there's like a whole crowd
following them and cheering... and like,
95
00:06:10,129 --> 00:06:11,912
- you know, maybe one guy's doing...
- Yeah, I'm not doing any of that.
96
00:06:12,012 --> 00:06:16,014
- But like a slow clap, like...
- I'm not doing any of that, Scott.
97
00:06:16,314 --> 00:06:18,983
Well, then you're not really
making a RomCom.
98
00:06:19,083 --> 00:06:22,013
Look, if I'm gonna do this,
I just wanna write something
99
00:06:22,113 --> 00:06:26,724
that shows love how it really is,
you know? Not funny, not romantic.
100
00:06:26,824 --> 00:06:29,928
Okay... but that kind of
sounds like a downer.
101
00:06:30,028 --> 00:06:32,597
Let me explain.
Love starts out like this...
102
00:06:33,897 --> 00:06:36,467
I'm sorry, my palms get kind of sweaty.
103
00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:38,497
I don't care.
104
00:06:38,597 --> 00:06:40,840
I love you.
105
00:06:41,305 --> 00:06:44,675
And then he threw up.
He tried to say it was food poisoning
106
00:06:44,775 --> 00:06:47,745
but I haven't been able to make love
with the lights on since.
107
00:06:47,845 --> 00:06:52,662
You are so beautiful.
I'm just lucky to have you.
108
00:06:53,750 --> 00:06:55,652
But then quickly becomes more like this.
109
00:06:55,752 --> 00:06:58,255
I work with her! What do you
want me to do, baby? Quit my job?
110
00:06:58,355 --> 00:07:00,190
No, I want you to keep
eye-humping her all night!
111
00:07:00,290 --> 00:07:01,092
Baby, stop!
112
00:07:01,192 --> 00:07:04,393
Don't touch me with your sticky
disgusting, reptile hands!
113
00:07:04,493 --> 00:07:06,630
You give away your most
personal information
114
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:09,333
only to have your secrets
come back to destroy you.
115
00:07:09,433 --> 00:07:11,467
Stop being melodramatic.
116
00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:15,838
Maybe if you'd hit the gym once in a while,
you wouldn't need that sob story.
117
00:07:15,938 --> 00:07:18,508
No wonder he threw up.
118
00:07:19,048 --> 00:07:20,688
How do I know this?
119
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:24,362
Well, take my story, for example.
120
00:07:24,846 --> 00:07:28,149
There's no stronger force
than a mother's love.
121
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I love you.
122
00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:33,714
She keeps you safe, secure...
123
00:07:33,814 --> 00:07:36,358
It's unconditional, right?
124
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,198
And then without warning,
the bottom falls out.
125
00:07:43,298 --> 00:07:46,834
And you're left to watch helplessly
as your world comes crashing down.
126
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:50,838
- Mom, where's the prize?
- Mom's not here, son.
127
00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:58,312
That's what love does,
it leaves you with Granddad
128
00:07:58,412 --> 00:08:00,981
to go to Chile with Phillip...
129
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,727
and ruins a perfectly good cereal.
130
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:06,286
And that's the last time I saw her.
131
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,320
That's why every time
someone has said...
132
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,323
- I love you.
- I love you.
133
00:08:11,423 --> 00:08:14,026
- I love you.
- I love you.
134
00:08:14,426 --> 00:08:16,663
- I love you.
- My response has been...
135
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:20,199
I just don't see myself ever feeling
the same way about you.
136
00:08:33,945 --> 00:08:36,514
And there you have me.
137
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,022
By the way, that's my heart.
138
00:08:44,422 --> 00:08:46,556
You know how some people
wear their hearts on their sleeve?
139
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:49,727
Well, I kicked mine out a long time ago,
and now he just follows me around...
140
00:08:49,827 --> 00:08:51,529
chain smoking.
141
00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:57,167
Okay, so, like I said,
it's been my life.
142
00:08:58,368 --> 00:09:00,538
But then I met this girl.
143
00:09:01,338 --> 00:09:04,141
Come on, Scott! Let's go, man!
These people are obnoxious.
144
00:09:04,241 --> 00:09:06,409
Well, sorry there aren't
any perfect tens here,
145
00:09:06,509 --> 00:09:09,512
but we're staying until they auction
off that couple's Champagne bath.
146
00:09:09,612 --> 00:09:11,714
I don't care if they're all fours,
147
00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:14,884
but if I have to hear one more four
talk about her vegan pet,
148
00:09:14,984 --> 00:09:17,187
my sperm are gonna start
eating each other.
149
00:09:21,991 --> 00:09:24,493
- Shit.
- Colorful.
150
00:09:25,493 --> 00:09:27,963
- It's a gift.
- No, please, continue.
151
00:09:28,363 --> 00:09:31,600
- I think I made my point.
- No, I don't think you're drunk enough.
152
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:36,105
I mean, we're fours now, but a couple
drinks from now... we might be sixes.
153
00:09:37,445 --> 00:09:39,669
Point well taken... cutting myself off.
154
00:09:39,769 --> 00:09:43,035
I think the rest of my night
is going to involve online shopping
155
00:09:43,135 --> 00:09:46,005
and eating my feelings.
156
00:09:46,105 --> 00:09:49,017
Online shopping...
I would have taken you for a porn guy.
157
00:09:51,635 --> 00:09:54,421
No, I'm off porn. It objectifies women.
158
00:09:54,521 --> 00:09:56,850
Oh, so that's a bad thing now?
159
00:09:56,950 --> 00:10:00,027
No, no, I'm not against women
being objectified, per se.
160
00:10:00,127 --> 00:10:02,228
I guess I'm just sick of men
not being objectified.
161
00:10:02,328 --> 00:10:05,297
Oh, I'm sick of women not being judged
by how much money we make.
162
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,500
I mean, if I spend an hour
and change getting ready,
163
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,035
I want to be ogled.
I'm pretty much begging for it.
164
00:10:10,135 --> 00:10:13,940
Exactly, and I'm tired of being wanted
for my body, but not my pocket book.
165
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,910
We're drinking $300 wine here.
My money is no good?
166
00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:20,312
Oh, God, this girl's dangerous.
167
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:23,248
Do you want to do a social experiment?
168
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:28,218
Nice ass. You work out?
169
00:10:28,686 --> 00:10:32,323
Is that dress a Valentino?
You know what this suit's made out of?
170
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,358
Boyfriend material.
171
00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:37,095
That suit looks good on you,
but I bet it would look even better
172
00:10:37,195 --> 00:10:39,933
balled up in a corner of a hotel room.
173
00:10:40,033 --> 00:10:44,100
Well, I'd love to travel more,
but I have crushing student debt.
174
00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:49,173
God, sorry... I'm sorry.
175
00:11:06,222 --> 00:11:08,758
Oh, God, look at this guy, so stuffy.
176
00:11:08,858 --> 00:11:12,246
Do the... the blow job,
the tongue-in-the-cheek thing.
177
00:11:12,346 --> 00:11:15,098
No, he's my boyfriend.
178
00:11:16,164 --> 00:11:19,166
- Hi, honey.
- Darling, there you are.
179
00:11:20,235 --> 00:11:24,806
I have no idea what Stuffy said,
because I went temporarily deaf.
180
00:11:27,744 --> 00:11:31,747
Where'd you go, homey?
I was looking for you.
181
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,415
You don't look too good.
182
00:11:34,515 --> 00:11:37,018
Oh, did you have the crab?
183
00:11:37,418 --> 00:11:39,379
Yeah, I had the crab.
184
00:11:39,479 --> 00:11:41,789
It's probably why I was on
the shitter for so long.
185
00:11:41,889 --> 00:11:43,658
Okay, that sucked.
186
00:11:43,758 --> 00:11:47,761
Shake it off.
Time to randomly text some chicks.
187
00:12:34,105 --> 00:12:37,408
Hey. I'm so glad you called.
188
00:12:37,608 --> 00:12:38,695
I didn't.
189
00:12:41,867 --> 00:12:45,518
I found that love is like a leak in a boat.
It starts slow, with a drip,
190
00:12:45,618 --> 00:12:48,586
and if you don't plug it,
it gets worse until you drown.
191
00:12:48,986 --> 00:12:52,022
And to fix it,
you should really find an expert.
192
00:12:59,229 --> 00:13:03,274
I want to tell him, "No, Mr. Policeman,
this is not a thumbs-up moment."
193
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:04,802
But yeah, it is.
194
00:13:09,839 --> 00:13:12,442
We all have different patches
for the leak, and mine is sex.
195
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,735
Which is about to erase all the traces
of that girl from the charity event
196
00:13:15,835 --> 00:13:17,480
right out of my brain.
197
00:13:21,984 --> 00:13:23,878
Wait.
198
00:13:25,087 --> 00:13:27,956
Stop. Stop. Stop. I'm sorry.
199
00:13:28,856 --> 00:13:30,893
What the hell?
200
00:13:31,193 --> 00:13:32,601
Good question.
201
00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:38,333
Question for you,
there was a girl here...
202
00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:43,304
she had brown hair,
just a great, great, girl height.
203
00:13:43,404 --> 00:13:49,643
Perfect smile, red dress,
kind of a whole happy thing going on.
204
00:13:49,743 --> 00:13:52,647
- Ringing any bells?
- No. Sorry.
205
00:13:55,015 --> 00:13:57,417
Shit.
206
00:14:04,091 --> 00:14:04,958
Hey!
207
00:14:06,492 --> 00:14:07,804
What the hell were you doing?
208
00:14:07,904 --> 00:14:10,831
Listen, Erin, you're amazing,
but is there somewhere I could drop you?
209
00:14:12,031 --> 00:14:14,250
She would go on to say
her name was Regan.
210
00:14:14,350 --> 00:14:16,669
At least I think it was.
211
00:14:16,769 --> 00:14:19,405
Wow, I'm not good with names.
212
00:14:19,905 --> 00:14:22,709
Teresa, she could be a Teresa.
213
00:14:22,809 --> 00:14:25,210
Jenn with two N's, no, never.
214
00:14:25,310 --> 00:14:27,313
Mary, too plain.
215
00:14:27,413 --> 00:14:31,116
Shantiqua, highly unlikely.
216
00:14:31,216 --> 00:14:34,252
Chastity, fuck, I hope not.
217
00:14:39,924 --> 00:14:41,511
If there's one thing
you should know about writers
218
00:14:41,611 --> 00:14:44,128
is that we don't suffer alone very well.
219
00:14:44,228 --> 00:14:47,197
It's why we write.
It's why we form little groups.
220
00:14:47,297 --> 00:14:49,032
This is mine in action.
221
00:14:49,132 --> 00:14:51,368
Lyle, single, harmless deviant.
222
00:14:51,468 --> 00:14:55,506
The proud writer of the first 20 pages
of 16 screenplays and 12 novels.
223
00:14:55,606 --> 00:14:57,875
He needs a shower.
224
00:15:01,411 --> 00:15:05,214
Samson, married, graphic novelist,
poems, short stories...
225
00:15:05,314 --> 00:15:09,819
kind of too old to be hanging out
with us but we don't give a shit.
226
00:15:13,022 --> 00:15:16,938
Mallory, she writes and performs
intensely personal one-woman shows
227
00:15:17,038 --> 00:15:19,195
she drags the rest of us to.
228
00:15:19,295 --> 00:15:22,099
We fuck sometimes... for research.
229
00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:25,601
Scott, you met him.
230
00:15:27,069 --> 00:15:28,971
Why do you need to know her name?
231
00:15:29,171 --> 00:15:31,161
I guess...
232
00:15:31,261 --> 00:15:33,981
I kind of wanted to say
her name out loud.
233
00:15:34,081 --> 00:15:37,146
Oh, stop, it's a passing infatuation,
that's allowed.
234
00:15:37,246 --> 00:15:40,248
Gee, I wish some guy thought about
saying my name out loud.
235
00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:42,149
You mean like while he's playing
with his dangly bits?
236
00:15:42,249 --> 00:15:44,486
- Yes.
- Who says there are no more romantics?
237
00:15:44,586 --> 00:15:48,555
No, I actually think the whole idea of love
is kind of unrealistic and outdated.
238
00:15:48,655 --> 00:15:51,332
- That's touching.
- Well, make sure that goes in your RomCom.
239
00:15:51,432 --> 00:15:54,096
- You know how I kill infatuation?
- With a gun?
240
00:15:54,896 --> 00:15:57,531
When I meet a hot girl,
I'll just look for one flaw
241
00:15:57,631 --> 00:16:02,336
whether she's pigeon-toed
or knock-kneed or just not very polite.
242
00:16:02,936 --> 00:16:07,007
I focus on that one flaw,
until I'm not attracted anymore.
243
00:16:07,107 --> 00:16:09,810
You know? Works perfectly.
How do you think I don't cheat on my wife?
244
00:16:09,910 --> 00:16:13,079
- I thought you did.
- No wonder your marriage is so happy.
245
00:16:13,179 --> 00:16:15,689
Don't talk to me about happiness, okay?
Because... thanks...
246
00:16:15,989 --> 00:16:18,485
- happiness and marriage don't co-exist.
- Bullshit.
247
00:16:18,585 --> 00:16:23,422
There's a reason that Romeo killed himself.
Suicide was the best option for this guy.
248
00:16:23,522 --> 00:16:27,025
- Why?
- No. Romeo set the standard for love.
249
00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:30,635
No, Shakespeare didn't know anything
about love. The guy was a sexual deviant.
250
00:16:30,735 --> 00:16:33,766
He couldn't keep his hands off of himself.
That's why his name was Shakespeare.
251
00:16:33,866 --> 00:16:38,543
It's true. Hardy, Dickens, Longfellow,
all sex-starved pen names.
252
00:16:38,643 --> 00:16:40,205
- E.E. Cummings.
- Updike.
253
00:16:40,305 --> 00:16:42,190
- Margaret Ate-wood.
- Dean Kuuntz.
254
00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:44,710
- Atwood and Koontz.
- Balzac.
255
00:16:44,810 --> 00:16:48,312
Yeah, I see your point. Whiny teens
killing themselves isn't love.
256
00:16:48,412 --> 00:16:52,384
Love is what keeps fucking you
long after the sex has dried up.
257
00:16:52,484 --> 00:16:55,686
Stop! You guys are terrible!
Love is a real thing.
258
00:16:55,786 --> 00:16:58,254
I was watching this Korean
soap opera last night...
259
00:16:59,023 --> 00:17:02,993
- Stop watching that shit.
- No, no, no, you guys are hearing this.
260
00:17:03,093 --> 00:17:07,661
It was an episode of When the Pear
Tree Blossoms, It Also Weeps.
261
00:17:08,983 --> 00:17:11,969
So, basically there's this girl,
Hana and this guy, Da e-jung.
262
00:17:12,069 --> 00:17:15,438
And they've been reunited
after years of separation.
263
00:17:15,538 --> 00:17:18,695
They're like crazy in love.
I mean, it's all tea pouring
264
00:17:18,795 --> 00:17:21,712
and furtive glances, but you can tell
they're like two seconds away
265
00:17:21,812 --> 00:17:26,115
from just ripping each others' kimonos off
and getting seriously freaky.
266
00:17:26,215 --> 00:17:29,886
Oh, God, remember how I told you
how I put myself in other people's stories?
267
00:17:29,986 --> 00:17:30,914
Well...
268
00:17:33,122 --> 00:17:36,825
And why is she here?
269
00:17:37,525 --> 00:17:40,362
But now they're finally back together.
270
00:17:40,462 --> 00:17:43,032
And she realizes
she has to tell him her secret.
271
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,260
She'd been born a man!
272
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,571
So she had to get this operation
273
00:17:49,671 --> 00:17:52,789
to be what she always knew
she was in her heart...
274
00:17:52,889 --> 00:17:55,640
A woman. This is the part
that literally blew my mind.
275
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:58,979
Instead of rejecting her,
he matches her confession.
276
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,015
He had biologically been a woman
277
00:18:01,115 --> 00:18:04,057
but had science give him
what he always felt he should have...
278
00:18:04,157 --> 00:18:07,521
you know, dude parts.
279
00:18:08,789 --> 00:18:11,007
And they just...
280
00:18:11,107 --> 00:18:13,138
touch hands.
281
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,630
That's love.
282
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,049
Fuck.
283
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,702
Love will always find a way.
Now that's...
284
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:25,637
- Excuse me.
- Oh, sorry.
285
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,057
Scott could be right...
286
00:18:27,157 --> 00:18:29,948
but then Scott will also say
that there's someone for everyone.
287
00:18:30,048 --> 00:18:31,545
And as much as you may
think that's right,
288
00:18:31,645 --> 00:18:35,668
you can always find that one person that's
so unusual to the natural order of things,
289
00:18:35,768 --> 00:18:40,407
you think that can't be true.
But then, you're wrong again.
290
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:51,129
Then everywhere you look, it's like
googling awkward engagement photos.
291
00:18:51,429 --> 00:18:54,633
And you realize
you're wrong a third time.
292
00:18:55,933 --> 00:19:00,004
You're that one person,
you're the exception.
293
00:19:00,504 --> 00:19:03,675
There's someone for everyone...
294
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:07,353
everyone except you.
295
00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:10,684
Is something on your mind?
296
00:19:12,323 --> 00:19:14,051
Oh... it's nothing. It's...
297
00:19:14,151 --> 00:19:17,253
Whenever you say it's nothing,
it is never nothing!
298
00:19:17,353 --> 00:19:18,889
Can we talk about something else?
299
00:19:18,989 --> 00:19:22,226
Well, yeah, sure. I'm gonna have another
prostate exam tomorrow morning.
300
00:19:22,326 --> 00:19:24,294
- Jesus!
- Would you rather talk about that?
301
00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:28,130
No. It's a girl. It's... nothing.
302
00:19:28,230 --> 00:19:31,603
If you're thinking about her, but you can't
figure out how to talk about her,
303
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:35,137
- it is not nothing!
- I met her at some random fundraiser.
304
00:19:35,237 --> 00:19:38,006
I have no idea how to find her,
so, nothing.
305
00:19:38,506 --> 00:19:40,375
Boy, I didn't know
you were such a quitter.
306
00:19:40,475 --> 00:19:43,979
How am I quitting? I don't know anything
about her I don't know her name.
307
00:19:44,079 --> 00:19:46,348
I don't know where she lives.
I don't know what she does.
308
00:19:46,448 --> 00:19:49,852
- So... nothing.
- You know what Colombo would do?
309
00:19:50,952 --> 00:19:52,103
Prove she's a murderer?
310
00:19:52,203 --> 00:19:56,257
Yeah, but first you'd have to
figure out how to find her!
311
00:19:56,457 --> 00:20:00,395
Granddad was right. I needed
to Colombo the LA charity scene.
312
00:20:00,495 --> 00:20:02,696
So instead of writing,
I started googling.
313
00:20:05,499 --> 00:20:10,003
Scott, you like doing good shit.
Want to come and do some research with me?
314
00:20:12,105 --> 00:20:14,849
All right, get your head in the game.
Got your tie on, feeling smart,
315
00:20:14,949 --> 00:20:18,212
looking good. Let's find this girl.
316
00:20:20,913 --> 00:20:23,716
Charities are ridiculous. They like
to fatten you up with their luncheons
317
00:20:23,816 --> 00:20:26,308
and hors d'oeuvres,
and their dinners, and drinks,
318
00:20:26,408 --> 00:20:30,188
and then they want to sweat it
back out of you with their 5Ks.
319
00:20:39,298 --> 00:20:41,433
Oh, hey, there.
320
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,738
I see you at a lot of these.
321
00:20:45,838 --> 00:20:48,774
You're a very caring person.
We need more guys like you.
322
00:20:48,874 --> 00:20:51,610
The truth is, I'm not as charitable
as I probably should be.
323
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,379
So I did what I do best, make shit up.
324
00:20:54,479 --> 00:20:56,948
I think that charity
defines you as a man.
325
00:20:57,148 --> 00:21:01,351
Yeah, we try to come out whenever we can.
Especially for the... the... art.
326
00:21:01,451 --> 00:21:02,682
It's, you know,
it's one of those things...
327
00:21:02,782 --> 00:21:06,390
I started spewing tales
of adventure, and outreach,
328
00:21:06,490 --> 00:21:10,161
and I didn't mean to lie, but I'm a writer,
it's the way my brain works.
329
00:21:10,261 --> 00:21:12,114
Don't judge me.
330
00:21:12,214 --> 00:21:15,533
God, look at me, I don't even know
what the hell I'm saying right now.
331
00:21:15,633 --> 00:21:18,451
- Nice to meet you guys. Thanks a lot.
- I may have gone too far.
332
00:21:18,551 --> 00:21:23,556
But I'm having fun, they're having fun.
No harm, no foul, right?
333
00:21:24,173 --> 00:21:25,953
But as time went on,
I started to think it didn't matter
334
00:21:26,053 --> 00:21:28,686
how much of my time was donating.
335
00:21:29,186 --> 00:21:33,483
It wasn't doing any good.
My search for her was a lost cause.
336
00:21:36,423 --> 00:21:38,254
That was my best time yet, bro.
337
00:21:38,354 --> 00:21:41,824
Doesn't matter, she's not here.
338
00:21:41,924 --> 00:21:45,111
What? That's what this is about?
339
00:21:45,211 --> 00:21:47,828
Come on, man, you told me
we were doing research here.
340
00:21:47,928 --> 00:21:50,799
Maybe Scott was right. Maybe it was time
to get my life back to normal.
341
00:21:50,899 --> 00:21:53,101
What was I doing?
342
00:21:53,501 --> 00:21:56,170
Hey, buddy. Look,
just checking in on the script.
343
00:21:56,270 --> 00:21:59,640
Hey, seriously, I've got Ashley Tisdale
breathing down my neck.
344
00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:03,372
She called me six times this week
threatening to face-fuck my dog
345
00:22:03,472 --> 00:22:05,846
if she doesn't see a draft.
346
00:22:05,946 --> 00:22:09,183
I must have misjudged her.
She doesn't care about charity at all.
347
00:22:09,283 --> 00:22:11,885
It's actually kind of selfish of her
to put me through all this.
348
00:22:11,985 --> 00:22:14,554
I don't know why I keep trying.
349
00:22:17,190 --> 00:22:19,793
This is $500 a plate.
350
00:22:19,893 --> 00:22:22,028
Meat or vegetarian?
351
00:22:22,128 --> 00:22:25,932
Yeah, we're gonna... can we...
yeah... can we share a plate?
352
00:22:26,032 --> 00:22:27,879
Shared plate fee is $500.
353
00:22:29,668 --> 00:22:31,706
- I'll have the filet.
- Same.
354
00:22:31,806 --> 00:22:32,939
Enough about my work.
355
00:22:33,039 --> 00:22:36,041
And thank you for all the other powerful
testimonials that have been shared today.
356
00:22:36,141 --> 00:22:38,377
I'd like to keep it going
with a truly great man
357
00:22:38,477 --> 00:22:40,379
that I've only recently had
the pleasure of meeting.
358
00:22:40,479 --> 00:22:42,280
I hope I don't embarrass him too much.
359
00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:45,083
He's farmed coconuts in Cambodia.
360
00:22:45,183 --> 00:22:48,154
- Holy shit! That's a real thing?
- He's helped lepers in South America.
361
00:22:48,254 --> 00:22:52,490
Most recently, he singlehandedly
took the Abdu Ali...
362
00:22:54,186 --> 00:22:56,561
Oh, shit.
363
00:22:56,661 --> 00:22:58,162
Bring him up, big hand.
364
00:22:58,462 --> 00:23:00,631
Smile, wave, yeah.
365
00:23:00,731 --> 00:23:03,235
A little help, gang,
let's get him up here.
366
00:23:04,035 --> 00:23:06,370
I'm gonna kill this guy.
367
00:23:06,770 --> 00:23:09,373
Get up here. Get up here.
368
00:23:09,473 --> 00:23:13,765
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech! Yeah!
369
00:23:13,865 --> 00:23:18,147
Thank you. Thank you so much.
It really wasn't anything, though.
370
00:23:18,447 --> 00:23:19,763
It was something.
371
00:23:19,863 --> 00:23:22,480
No, believe me,
I'm not just being modest
372
00:23:22,580 --> 00:23:26,789
when I say I really didn't do anything
that anybody else in my position...
373
00:23:26,889 --> 00:23:28,391
wouldn't have done, so...
374
00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:31,125
Don't worry, you're doing great, baby.
375
00:23:31,225 --> 00:23:34,096
Give yourself
a round of applause, right?
376
00:23:34,196 --> 00:23:35,798
- All right.
- You saved the frogs.
377
00:23:35,898 --> 00:23:37,733
It wasn't just me. It wasn't just me.
378
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:41,203
It was a lot of people involved
a lot of hands in there.
379
00:23:41,503 --> 00:23:44,122
- It was kind of like a hand orgy.
- Oh, God.
380
00:23:44,222 --> 00:23:47,443
- You're not bombing.
- That's inappropriate.
381
00:23:49,977 --> 00:23:52,480
And suddenly, there she was.
382
00:23:57,585 --> 00:24:00,621
Okay, enjoy your afternoon.
383
00:24:02,198 --> 00:24:03,658
Yeah!
384
00:24:03,758 --> 00:24:06,274
- Nailed it, right?
- Like a coffin.
385
00:24:06,374 --> 00:24:08,861
I had no idea you were
such a philanthropist.
386
00:24:08,961 --> 00:24:11,198
Now would be a good time to come clean.
387
00:24:11,298 --> 00:24:13,350
I'm really just a sucker for a good,
catered meal.
388
00:24:13,450 --> 00:24:16,871
Lot better at these frog events
than the rhesus monkey tapas dinners.
389
00:24:16,971 --> 00:24:19,507
God, not the rhesus monkeys,
they're a slush fund charity.
390
00:24:19,607 --> 00:24:23,036
They sprinkle cute, little monkey photos
all over the place like ruffies,
391
00:24:23,136 --> 00:24:25,658
and then they date-rape
your checkbook. Bastards.
392
00:24:26,413 --> 00:24:28,314
You sound very passionate
about monkey rape.
393
00:24:28,414 --> 00:24:30,280
Like you and frog orgies.
394
00:24:32,017 --> 00:24:34,853
So, you here with the guy?
395
00:24:35,653 --> 00:24:39,825
No, no. I'm here with work.
The company I work for bought a table.
396
00:24:39,925 --> 00:24:43,062
We do urban planning and we're helping
the host foundation with a land-use project.
397
00:24:43,162 --> 00:24:46,460
I mean, it sounds boring,
but it's actually really, really fascinating.
398
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,993
Sorry, I fell asleep, what was that?
399
00:24:49,093 --> 00:24:51,161
Very funny.
400
00:24:53,905 --> 00:24:55,236
Want to go for a walk?
401
00:24:57,008 --> 00:25:00,312
Yeah. Yeah, I can walk.
402
00:25:01,012 --> 00:25:04,348
- After you.
- Okay.
403
00:25:05,281 --> 00:25:07,818
I've got a deadline right now
that I can't seem to focus on.
404
00:25:07,918 --> 00:25:09,152
You should try yoga.
405
00:25:09,252 --> 00:25:11,722
Nature has decided my body
won't bend like that.
406
00:25:11,822 --> 00:25:14,058
Oh, no, but that's why you have
to do it. It's good for you.
407
00:25:14,158 --> 00:25:17,294
I know, I know. I think I avoid things
that are good for me.
408
00:25:17,394 --> 00:25:21,445
Oh, I see, the stereotypical,
self-loathing Good Samaritan.
409
00:25:21,545 --> 00:25:23,259
At least you do good things
for other people.
410
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:27,103
Okay, last chance, asshole.
Just tell her the truth.
411
00:25:29,056 --> 00:25:30,940
Do you see right there?
412
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,644
Where those two waves collide
and become one?
413
00:25:34,744 --> 00:25:36,545
It's funny.
414
00:25:37,045 --> 00:25:41,884
It's like how... how far
have you traveled?
415
00:25:43,184 --> 00:25:45,228
Years? Thousands of years?
416
00:25:45,816 --> 00:25:48,155
Lifetimes?
417
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:52,194
For this one moment, right here,
right now, to find each other.
418
00:25:52,294 --> 00:25:54,496
And then to crash...
419
00:25:54,596 --> 00:25:58,200
and go back out to sea
in search of one another again.
420
00:26:05,805 --> 00:26:08,076
I'm just messing with you!
421
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:10,178
Oh, man.
422
00:26:10,278 --> 00:26:11,478
- I got you.
- You got me.
423
00:26:11,578 --> 00:26:13,434
To crash.
424
00:26:15,215 --> 00:26:16,717
- I was with you.
- I know.
425
00:26:16,817 --> 00:26:19,586
- We had a moment!
- You're romantic! What can you say?
426
00:26:20,887 --> 00:26:23,981
- I'm sorry. You froze up?
- I could have kissed her.
427
00:26:24,081 --> 00:26:27,299
I just didn't want to pull the trigger.
I didn't want to...
428
00:26:27,399 --> 00:26:29,896
ruin it? That doesn't sound right.
429
00:26:29,996 --> 00:26:32,532
Oh, my God. Are you gonna see her again?
430
00:26:32,632 --> 00:26:36,469
No. No. She's got a boyfriend. I'm gonna
get out now before I embarrass myself.
431
00:26:36,569 --> 00:26:38,238
Okay, welcome back, buddy.
432
00:26:38,338 --> 00:26:40,706
That's the first reasonable thing
I've heard you say in weeks.
433
00:26:40,806 --> 00:26:42,745
Hey!
434
00:26:42,845 --> 00:26:45,777
- You!
- Hey!
435
00:26:46,278 --> 00:26:49,377
- What are you doing?
- I'm just walking.
436
00:26:49,477 --> 00:26:52,023
I got a friend with me.
Scott... me and Scott are walking.
437
00:26:52,123 --> 00:26:54,109
Hi, Scott.
438
00:26:54,879 --> 00:26:56,764
Well,
439
00:26:57,176 --> 00:26:59,090
have fun not embarrassing yourself.
440
00:26:59,190 --> 00:27:02,059
- You gonna go check out those waves?
- No, I just pretend.
441
00:27:02,159 --> 00:27:04,462
- Looks cool, though, right? You bought it.
- Looks very cool.
442
00:27:06,063 --> 00:27:07,565
This is a little weird, right?
443
00:27:07,665 --> 00:27:11,235
I know... you meant,
weird that you're stalking me?
444
00:27:11,335 --> 00:27:13,340
I thought you were stalking me.
445
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:17,622
No, no. If I were stalking you,
you'd never see me. I'm very good at it.
446
00:27:17,722 --> 00:27:21,278
Really? Because I live around the corner,
and I run the neighborhood watch.
447
00:27:21,378 --> 00:27:23,847
So, you have been watching me.
448
00:27:23,947 --> 00:27:25,682
You think you're pretty funny,
don't you?
449
00:27:25,782 --> 00:27:28,118
I think I have promise.
450
00:27:30,687 --> 00:27:33,190
No matter how much your brain
thinks it controls your mouth.
451
00:27:33,290 --> 00:27:36,525
There's always gonna be
that override switch.
452
00:27:36,925 --> 00:27:40,263
So, this might sound kind of nuts.
453
00:27:40,363 --> 00:27:44,166
Maybe we should try running
into each other sometime on purpose?
454
00:27:45,266 --> 00:27:47,236
Did you just ask me on a date?
455
00:27:47,336 --> 00:27:50,472
No, no. I'm just saying
that we keep running into each other.
456
00:27:50,572 --> 00:27:55,409
It feels like, I don't know,
fate wants us to hang out.
457
00:27:55,900 --> 00:27:59,313
Good, because my boyfriend really
hates it when I go out on dates.
458
00:27:59,413 --> 00:28:00,816
Sounds controlling.
459
00:28:00,916 --> 00:28:04,952
Look, I think you're getting
the wrong idea about me as a man.
460
00:28:05,052 --> 00:28:07,155
I think we should just be friends.
That's allowed, right?
461
00:28:07,355 --> 00:28:09,690
Guy and a girl hanging out, no big deal.
462
00:28:09,790 --> 00:28:12,659
No relationship stuff.
I'm lousy at relationship stuff.
463
00:28:12,759 --> 00:28:16,730
Oh, don't worry, I have really,
really low expectations.
464
00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:20,501
Then we should definitely hang out.
I'm really good with low expectations.
465
00:28:20,601 --> 00:28:22,502
- Is that so?
- Yes.
466
00:28:22,602 --> 00:28:25,031
In fact, I can pretty much guarantee
that if we hang out
467
00:28:25,131 --> 00:28:27,174
you're gonna walk away
completely unimpressed.
468
00:28:27,274 --> 00:28:28,962
Well, how could I say no to that?
469
00:28:30,076 --> 00:28:31,644
So it's a date.
470
00:28:32,344 --> 00:28:35,815
Sure, but it's a friend date.
471
00:28:38,885 --> 00:28:39,917
Fuck.
472
00:28:45,858 --> 00:28:48,583
Friend date... friend date.
473
00:28:50,728 --> 00:28:53,298
What the hell is a friend date?
474
00:29:01,005 --> 00:29:03,708
I want him to crawl inside of my vagina.
475
00:29:04,108 --> 00:29:08,909
I left my ovaries abandoned
in the basement like potatoes.
476
00:29:10,547 --> 00:29:13,016
And they started growing arms...
477
00:29:13,690 --> 00:29:14,788
- ...and legs.
- What are you doing? That's rude.
478
00:29:14,888 --> 00:29:17,722
This is a performance. Sit down.
479
00:29:17,822 --> 00:29:20,092
- Not there, back here.
- What is that?
480
00:29:21,292 --> 00:29:23,674
It's a leg. No!
481
00:29:25,162 --> 00:29:26,711
Oh, my God!
482
00:29:28,198 --> 00:29:29,499
Yeah.
483
00:29:35,943 --> 00:29:36,873
Twist ending.
484
00:29:37,073 --> 00:29:40,499
- You are playing with fire.
- No, I'm not.
485
00:29:41,211 --> 00:29:43,679
Thanks. There's nothing wrong
with two adults hanging out as friends.
486
00:29:43,779 --> 00:29:48,117
Men and women can't be friends.
We are squids and squirrels.
487
00:29:48,217 --> 00:29:52,355
- Are you saying we're not friends?
- I'm saying we've slept together.
488
00:29:52,455 --> 00:29:55,424
So? Friends can fuck. Fuck buddies.
489
00:29:55,524 --> 00:29:58,394
Oh, really? Have you fucked Scott?
490
00:29:58,494 --> 00:30:00,029
Not physically.
491
00:30:00,129 --> 00:30:04,033
- What's with the German accent?
- Don't change the subject.
492
00:30:04,133 --> 00:30:07,736
I think you're starting to like this girl,
and you're just setting boundaries,
493
00:30:07,836 --> 00:30:10,305
- so you can push them.
- No, I'm not.
494
00:30:10,405 --> 00:30:13,041
If anything, I'm going out with this girl
to prove she's nothing special.
495
00:30:13,141 --> 00:30:15,076
And she's just as ordinary
as every other girl...
496
00:30:15,176 --> 00:30:17,912
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you're about to say that.
497
00:30:18,512 --> 00:30:20,581
Present company excluded.
498
00:30:20,781 --> 00:30:22,549
I went on a friend date recently.
499
00:30:22,849 --> 00:30:25,054
This one's gonna be weird.
500
00:30:26,687 --> 00:30:29,155
So my friend tells me,
501
00:30:29,255 --> 00:30:32,192
"I'll come over,
we'll watch a movie, hang out."
502
00:30:32,292 --> 00:30:36,212
Sounds normal, right?
Now imagine you're me.
503
00:30:36,312 --> 00:30:38,865
- Oh, God.
- Hi.
504
00:30:38,965 --> 00:30:42,369
And the next thing you know
his tongue is halfway down your throat,
505
00:30:42,469 --> 00:30:44,404
and he doesn't stop there.
506
00:30:44,504 --> 00:30:47,306
- My penis hurts.
- What was that?
507
00:30:47,406 --> 00:30:49,909
- My penis hurts.
- Excuse me?
508
00:30:50,009 --> 00:30:51,641
My penis hurts.
509
00:30:51,741 --> 00:30:54,746
Then you'd better go home
and take care of it.
510
00:30:55,046 --> 00:30:56,862
I want you to take care of it.
511
00:30:57,483 --> 00:30:59,651
That's not gonna happen.
512
00:31:00,251 --> 00:31:02,566
I don't even have to take off my pants.
513
00:31:03,355 --> 00:31:05,523
So my advice to you,
if you really like this girl
514
00:31:05,623 --> 00:31:10,728
is take her somewhere in public,
and don't blow it.
515
00:31:14,632 --> 00:31:16,267
- Wow.
- Wow, is right.
516
00:31:16,367 --> 00:31:18,469
- It looks loud.
- It does.
517
00:31:18,569 --> 00:31:20,405
It looks like an audio gang bang.
518
00:31:21,005 --> 00:31:24,508
That's the name of my band.
That's so weird.
519
00:31:27,444 --> 00:31:28,645
December 8th.
520
00:31:28,745 --> 00:31:31,614
An amethyst wood star hummingbird.
521
00:31:31,714 --> 00:31:34,050
Fastest heartbeat in the world.
522
00:31:34,150 --> 00:31:38,621
Shit, this guy's heart beats so fast,
he's always on the verge of death.
523
00:31:38,721 --> 00:31:40,255
- What?
- Shitty.
524
00:31:40,355 --> 00:31:41,757
That's super shitty.
525
00:31:41,957 --> 00:31:44,960
- You want to play doctor?
- Yes.
526
00:31:45,060 --> 00:31:47,301
Heart beats...
the ancient Chinese believed
527
00:31:47,401 --> 00:31:50,032
you were only given a limited number
of heart beats when you were born.
528
00:31:50,132 --> 00:31:52,520
You can spend them any way you like,
but your heart uses them up
529
00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:56,292
when it beats faster like
when you get angry or excited.
530
00:31:57,439 --> 00:31:59,981
I wonder if it's the same for boners.
531
00:32:01,442 --> 00:32:04,111
No, I can't find it.
532
00:32:04,311 --> 00:32:06,648
Goddamn it, where is her flaw?
533
00:32:06,948 --> 00:32:10,885
Nothing. You don't have a heart.
534
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:14,756
Miracle of science.
535
00:32:14,956 --> 00:32:18,858
The problem with our little friend date
is that it didn't feel like a friend date.
536
00:32:18,958 --> 00:32:21,228
We're connecting.
I'm showing her a great time.
537
00:32:21,328 --> 00:32:23,431
And at the end of the night,
she's going home to him.
538
00:32:23,531 --> 00:32:26,333
I'm basically Stuffy's wingman.
539
00:32:28,134 --> 00:32:30,670
All right... I gotta get up
early tomorrow.
540
00:32:30,770 --> 00:32:34,675
Tomorrow's a farmer's market day
which means the guy likes to get there early
541
00:32:34,775 --> 00:32:37,628
- for the ripe tomatoes.
- Right, right, yeah.
542
00:32:37,728 --> 00:32:39,912
I gotta go, too.
I got a late-night poker thing.
543
00:32:40,012 --> 00:32:42,648
Cool, all right, well, this was...
this was fun.
544
00:32:42,748 --> 00:32:45,484
- Yeah.
- Okay. All right, I'll see you soon.
545
00:32:45,584 --> 00:32:46,852
- Okay.
- All right, good luck tonight.
546
00:32:46,952 --> 00:32:49,422
- You, too.
- Bye.
547
00:32:58,897 --> 00:33:01,333
What a s... goddamn it!
548
00:33:01,433 --> 00:33:06,881
You dumb, dumb, dumb... dick.
What a... dick!
549
00:33:08,506 --> 00:33:11,209
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. What's up?
550
00:33:11,807 --> 00:33:14,003
My car won't start.
551
00:33:21,885 --> 00:33:23,955
I'm so sorry you missed poker.
552
00:33:24,055 --> 00:33:26,991
No, that's... what are friends for?
553
00:33:28,692 --> 00:33:30,895
Speaking of,
what are you up to on Thursday?
554
00:33:30,995 --> 00:33:35,030
Tell her you're booked,
busy, completely slammed.
555
00:33:35,865 --> 00:33:39,770
Because I've got this charity event
to go to, but no one to go with.
556
00:33:39,870 --> 00:33:43,839
Say anything, you're doing your taxes,
washing your hair. Oh, my God.
557
00:33:43,939 --> 00:33:46,375
- Sounds good.
- Cool.
558
00:33:46,475 --> 00:33:48,444
All right, right on, second friend date.
559
00:33:48,544 --> 00:33:51,147
All right, yeah, yay!
560
00:33:51,247 --> 00:33:54,516
All right, well...
I'll see you on Thursday.
561
00:33:54,616 --> 00:33:55,750
- Okay.
- Okay.
562
00:33:55,850 --> 00:33:57,752
That's a wave goodbye.
563
00:33:57,852 --> 00:34:01,789
I mistake it for... a fucking high-five.
564
00:34:01,889 --> 00:34:06,628
And now, I'm left to hear it echo
for the rest of eternity.
565
00:34:06,828 --> 00:34:10,931
You high-fived her? Nice.
566
00:34:12,900 --> 00:34:16,037
- Lane 13, don't throw the ball.
- Maybe she didn't even notice.
567
00:34:17,137 --> 00:34:19,287
Sometimes when I'm playing with kids,
568
00:34:19,387 --> 00:34:23,210
I go up high, and they just stare at me,
like they don't even want to touch it.
569
00:34:23,310 --> 00:34:26,614
- In what world aren't you a pedophile?
- In this world.
570
00:34:26,714 --> 00:34:28,716
Look, she definitely noticed,
it was terrible.
571
00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:30,984
Well, at least you'll never have
to see her again.
572
00:34:31,084 --> 00:34:32,509
Well...
573
00:34:34,219 --> 00:34:36,611
- Come on, man!
- It's a charity! It's a charity!
574
00:34:37,490 --> 00:34:38,692
Boom!
575
00:34:38,792 --> 00:34:41,862
- Here's the deal, you look like hell.
- Like shit.
576
00:34:41,962 --> 00:34:46,599
Shit, now you're stalking this girl,
and you won't stop talking to us about her.
577
00:34:46,699 --> 00:34:49,402
And you're clearly sexually frustrated.
578
00:34:49,502 --> 00:34:52,537
- Excuse me, hard up.
- Yeah, are you even masturbating properly?
579
00:34:52,637 --> 00:34:55,306
Yes, I'm... no, I don't...
I don't need to masturbate.
580
00:34:55,406 --> 00:34:58,366
- You do need to masturbate.
- This is an intellectual connection...
581
00:34:58,466 --> 00:35:00,512
based on common interests.
582
00:35:00,612 --> 00:35:04,650
For people who have common...
shared interests.
583
00:35:04,750 --> 00:35:06,767
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
584
00:35:06,867 --> 00:35:09,287
Oh, my God. You're falling for her.
585
00:35:09,387 --> 00:35:11,622
- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
586
00:35:11,722 --> 00:35:13,957
Look, I'm sorry I don't believe
in the fairy tale.
587
00:35:14,057 --> 00:35:16,973
But your idea of falling in love
is what lonely people tell each other
588
00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:19,164
- and justify sticking it out.
- Lonely people?
589
00:35:19,264 --> 00:35:23,100
No, bullshit, man. Love is amazing.
590
00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:26,503
It connects people. It makes
the whole better than the parts.
591
00:35:26,603 --> 00:35:29,239
- Oh, shit! Sorry!
- Hey, Lane 13, stop throwing the ball.
592
00:35:29,339 --> 00:35:32,811
Look at the divorce rate...
people are petty, emotional whores.
593
00:35:32,911 --> 00:35:36,046
They don't pair off to connect, they do it
to spread their misery, like STD's.
594
00:35:37,615 --> 00:35:41,452
What you're defending is an ideal
that can't exist in an imperfect world.
595
00:35:41,952 --> 00:35:45,220
You are lying to yourself
to try to prove that she's not special.
596
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,791
And that's deceptive... to you,
to her, to your connection.
597
00:35:48,891 --> 00:35:51,827
You can not get to the truth
through deception.
598
00:35:52,127 --> 00:35:56,932
Mall's right, you're gonna ruin this,
because you're a soulless, love hater.
599
00:35:57,458 --> 00:35:59,001
None of you know
what you're talking about.
600
00:35:59,101 --> 00:36:02,639
And don't over-romanticize things, because
you read Love in a Time of Yellow Fever.
601
00:36:02,739 --> 00:36:06,007
- Time of Cholera.
- It's pronounced ch-olera, by the way.
602
00:36:06,107 --> 00:36:07,576
- It's cholera.
- Like chalupa.
603
00:36:07,676 --> 00:36:09,132
So what's your big plan?
604
00:36:09,550 --> 00:36:12,414
You're gonna wreck her relationship
until you get bored and stop calling?
605
00:36:12,514 --> 00:36:14,482
I don't know, Mallory.
I didn't even want to talk about this.
606
00:36:14,582 --> 00:36:18,519
You guys are all getting on my case,
you're dumping your man issues on me.
607
00:36:18,619 --> 00:36:21,088
Did you just say "man issues"?
Man issues? Are you kidding me?
608
00:36:21,188 --> 00:36:22,556
- Mall!
- Oh, shit!
609
00:36:22,656 --> 00:36:25,927
- You're the one that is going out with her!
- Stop throwing the ball, lady!
610
00:36:26,027 --> 00:36:29,897
Why don't you just go already?
Fucking go! Go already!
611
00:36:29,997 --> 00:36:32,466
- Can I just bowl?
- That's it! No more!
612
00:36:32,566 --> 00:36:34,768
Maybe they were right,
I had to end this.
613
00:36:34,868 --> 00:36:38,839
But if I was gonna do it, I was gonna
do it like a gentleman, in person.
614
00:36:38,939 --> 00:36:41,208
Bring on the charity.
615
00:36:44,477 --> 00:36:46,500
Nice suit.
616
00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:52,552
- What kind of charity is this?
- I didn't... I didn't tell you about this?
617
00:36:57,990 --> 00:36:59,891
You're lucky I'm wearing underwear.
618
00:37:00,591 --> 00:37:04,029
I would have pegged you
for a brief guy. No?
619
00:37:04,129 --> 00:37:06,631
- I'm thoroughly impressed.
- Are you?
620
00:37:06,731 --> 00:37:09,401
Should I feel emasculated?
621
00:37:09,901 --> 00:37:11,503
Maybe.
622
00:37:13,005 --> 00:37:15,340
Holy shit.
623
00:37:25,149 --> 00:37:26,717
- You totally did.
- No, I didn't.
624
00:37:26,817 --> 00:37:28,185
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
625
00:37:28,285 --> 00:37:32,289
You made a sound
during the Warrior 3 pose.
626
00:37:33,091 --> 00:37:36,861
- What pose is that?
- Okay. Let me refresh your memory.
627
00:37:40,129 --> 00:37:43,967
Oh, that noise, that was me.
I do it all the time.
628
00:37:48,271 --> 00:37:49,773
What?
629
00:37:51,307 --> 00:37:53,488
What's the deal with you and Stuffy?
630
00:37:54,744 --> 00:37:56,579
That is not his name.
631
00:37:56,979 --> 00:37:59,141
Isn't it, though.
632
00:38:00,016 --> 00:38:02,384
I don't know,
we'll probably get married.
633
00:38:02,484 --> 00:38:04,620
Probably? You don't sound so sure.
634
00:38:04,820 --> 00:38:07,155
No, I mean, we talk about it, you know?
635
00:38:07,255 --> 00:38:10,176
Every few months,
we kind of sit down and we discuss it.
636
00:38:10,276 --> 00:38:12,060
Sounds romantic.
637
00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:14,663
I'm not ready.
638
00:38:14,763 --> 00:38:16,631
Why?
639
00:38:16,731 --> 00:38:20,835
I don't know, I guess I just always
thought it would feel a little different.
640
00:38:20,935 --> 00:38:24,005
You know? Maybe it's not supposed to.
641
00:38:24,105 --> 00:38:27,206
- And I'm fine with that.
- Okay.
642
00:38:28,143 --> 00:38:31,946
Obviously it's none of my business, but when
you say fine, it sounds like comfortable.
643
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:34,612
What's wrong with being comfortable?
644
00:38:34,712 --> 00:38:36,850
Nothing.
645
00:38:36,950 --> 00:38:38,087
Are you happy?
646
00:38:39,286 --> 00:38:42,152
I'm happy,
647
00:38:42,740 --> 00:38:45,063
and... he is stable...
648
00:38:45,163 --> 00:38:47,851
and he is very passionate about his job,
and my parents love him,
649
00:38:47,951 --> 00:38:50,429
my friends love him,
and he is everything that I need.
650
00:38:50,529 --> 00:38:52,485
What about what you want?
651
00:38:52,585 --> 00:38:55,870
You may check off all the right boxes,
but you can't plan happiness.
652
00:38:57,469 --> 00:39:00,183
Okay, describe your perfect wedding.
653
00:39:02,107 --> 00:39:03,957
I don't know.
I've never thought about it.
654
00:39:04,057 --> 00:39:07,713
San Francisco, outdoor wedding
at one of the city's heart sculptures.
655
00:39:07,813 --> 00:39:12,117
50 people, modern ceremony,
trolley takes us from the heart sculpture
656
00:39:12,217 --> 00:39:15,453
to the Tara for a reception,
and a hell of a lot of Scotch.
657
00:39:15,753 --> 00:39:18,556
Why isn't he the one you're dragging
to yoga and art shows?
658
00:39:19,556 --> 00:39:21,593
Who said I never asked him first?
659
00:39:28,933 --> 00:39:30,991
I like you.
660
00:39:32,869 --> 00:39:34,947
I like you.
661
00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:39,509
- Is that a bad thing?
- Yeah, it's a very bad thing.
662
00:39:40,009 --> 00:39:43,350
I'm saying I have someone that I trust.
663
00:39:43,650 --> 00:39:46,065
Okay? Someone that I've built
a life with and...
664
00:39:47,084 --> 00:39:49,097
God, whatever this is, it's...
665
00:39:52,387 --> 00:39:54,090
It's not gonna change that.
666
00:39:59,595 --> 00:40:00,863
- Yikes.
- Yikes.
667
00:40:00,963 --> 00:40:02,665
Okay.
668
00:40:02,765 --> 00:40:06,468
- Wow, Debbie Downer.
- Okay.
669
00:40:09,604 --> 00:40:11,673
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
670
00:40:11,773 --> 00:40:12,808
I'll see you.
671
00:40:14,909 --> 00:40:19,414
- Okay... so, you should probably stretch.
- Yeah.
672
00:41:26,777 --> 00:41:29,637
All right, enough.
673
00:41:30,181 --> 00:41:33,519
- Don't be such a pussy.
- Yeah, man, don't be such a pussy.
674
00:41:33,619 --> 00:41:35,487
- Really, Scott?
- What?
675
00:41:35,587 --> 00:41:37,388
No, Scotty's right.
676
00:41:37,488 --> 00:41:40,458
Do you know how long I waited
for you to actually fall for a girl?
677
00:41:40,558 --> 00:41:42,293
And now you're just puttering around.
678
00:41:42,393 --> 00:41:45,362
I'm not the one staying
in a bad relationship. That's not on me.
679
00:41:45,462 --> 00:41:48,798
When I met your grandmother,
she was engaged to an Italian.
680
00:41:49,098 --> 00:41:52,302
You think that wop knew what to do
with her? I had to steal her!
681
00:41:52,402 --> 00:41:56,606
I saved her! And when I die,
I want to be buried right on top of her.
682
00:41:56,706 --> 00:42:00,243
Yeah, that's... that's pretty romantic.
683
00:42:00,343 --> 00:42:03,795
And you, you won't even fight
for the girl you love.
684
00:42:03,895 --> 00:42:07,483
Don't let the death of your mother
haunt you for the rest of your life.
685
00:42:07,583 --> 00:42:10,286
- Get on with things!
- That has nothing to do with this.
686
00:42:10,386 --> 00:42:15,290
Look, love is like your 401k,
it matches your investment.
687
00:42:15,390 --> 00:42:17,960
You love a little, you're loved little.
688
00:42:18,460 --> 00:42:20,895
All right,
I think we need to tell him the story.
689
00:42:20,995 --> 00:42:23,932
What story? Wait, do you guys
hang out without me?
690
00:42:24,032 --> 00:42:28,002
Look, I never had a granddad, okay?
Don't be selfish. Tell him.
691
00:42:28,102 --> 00:42:30,238
It was 1943.
692
00:42:30,338 --> 00:42:33,041
I was in San Diego, I was in the Navy.
693
00:42:35,810 --> 00:42:37,144
Then I saw her.
694
00:42:37,544 --> 00:42:40,981
Every man in the bar
was lined up to talk to her,
695
00:42:41,081 --> 00:42:43,950
but I didn't let that deter me.
696
00:42:44,050 --> 00:42:46,953
Her eyes sparkled.
697
00:42:47,053 --> 00:42:51,315
Her lips were like two perfect,
red roses.
698
00:42:51,415 --> 00:42:52,896
It was fate,
699
00:42:53,631 --> 00:42:55,953
and I couldn't deny fate.
700
00:42:56,496 --> 00:42:58,798
Time stood still has we danced.
701
00:42:58,898 --> 00:43:00,638
The music, the lights...
702
00:43:01,885 --> 00:43:04,888
she felt like sunshine in my arms.
703
00:43:04,988 --> 00:43:09,709
She looked like a princess...
and I was her prince.
704
00:43:09,809 --> 00:43:12,445
It was magic.
705
00:43:12,545 --> 00:43:14,780
Granddad, this sounds
like a Disney cartoon.
706
00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:20,185
Really? A Disney cartoon, you pussy?
This was a man stuff.
707
00:43:20,285 --> 00:43:25,156
I shipped out the next day
and I never thought I'd see her again.
708
00:43:25,256 --> 00:43:28,560
My dearest, I do not know
if I will ever see you again,
709
00:43:28,660 --> 00:43:32,466
and as you know, I am already engaged.
I am sorry, my love,
710
00:43:32,566 --> 00:43:35,466
if we could be together,
I would turn the world on its side.
711
00:43:35,566 --> 00:43:38,368
But I am to be wed
on the 3rd of January.
712
00:43:38,468 --> 00:43:43,607
And at that exact moment
a fleet of U-boats blasted our ship.
713
00:43:43,707 --> 00:43:46,977
But not even Nazis
can stand in the way of love.
714
00:43:47,077 --> 00:43:50,214
I had to get back to her.
I swam shark-infested waters.
715
00:43:50,414 --> 00:43:54,450
Scaled the sea cliffs
of Canada's Labrador Coast.
716
00:43:54,550 --> 00:43:59,355
Raced across plains, deserts,
and burial grounds.
717
00:43:59,755 --> 00:44:03,393
It was the longest
three days of my life.
718
00:44:08,365 --> 00:44:11,333
Excusi, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
719
00:44:19,607 --> 00:44:22,210
That kiss changed everything.
720
00:44:22,310 --> 00:44:26,581
And after that,
the Allies turned the tide of war,
721
00:44:26,681 --> 00:44:29,751
and we lived happily ever after.
722
00:44:30,719 --> 00:44:32,486
That's a beautiful story, Granddad.
723
00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:34,188
- It's not your granddad.
- Whatever.
724
00:44:34,288 --> 00:44:38,159
See, women, they want to be fought over.
They like to feel desired.
725
00:44:38,259 --> 00:44:41,528
Just seems like if she felt half
of what I feel, she'd explode.
726
00:44:41,628 --> 00:44:44,631
Well, you feel all these things, but...
I mean, you're not doin g anything.
727
00:44:44,831 --> 00:44:48,236
- Which makes him a what, Scotty?
- A pussy.
728
00:44:48,536 --> 00:44:51,471
That's right. You're a pussy.
729
00:45:17,429 --> 00:45:19,065
Hey! What's wrong with you?
730
00:45:19,165 --> 00:45:20,932
- I'm sorry!
- Where'd that rock come from?
731
00:45:21,032 --> 00:45:23,102
- Wait, who are you?
- Some pussy just broke our window.
732
00:45:23,202 --> 00:45:25,037
- What are you doing down there?
- Sorry, sorry!
733
00:45:25,137 --> 00:45:28,173
- Hey! What's going on?
- Sorry, guys, I'm looking for her.
734
00:45:28,273 --> 00:45:30,891
- Why?
- Yeah, why?
735
00:45:30,991 --> 00:45:35,615
I was just seeing if you wanted
to do something... with me.
736
00:45:36,314 --> 00:45:37,626
Like what?
737
00:45:39,516 --> 00:45:42,286
- Anything.
- What time is it?
738
00:45:42,986 --> 00:45:45,790
- Midnight or 1:00.
- It's kind of late.
739
00:45:45,890 --> 00:45:48,926
- Yeah, it is kind of late.
- Thanks. Thank you.
740
00:45:50,761 --> 00:45:53,096
But is it too late?
741
00:45:56,632 --> 00:46:00,050
So... what now?
742
00:46:00,271 --> 00:46:02,115
I don't know.
743
00:46:02,215 --> 00:46:05,275
I was kind of improvising back there.
I didn't think you were gonna come with me.
744
00:46:05,375 --> 00:46:07,543
So, you don't do this all the time?
745
00:46:07,643 --> 00:46:10,212
Well, you'd think,
given how smooth that was.
746
00:46:11,112 --> 00:46:12,582
You spend a lot of time down here?
747
00:46:12,682 --> 00:46:15,784
Training to be a longshoreman
in case that charity circuit dries up?
748
00:46:15,884 --> 00:46:18,921
Honestly, I don't think
they're ready for this much man.
749
00:46:19,021 --> 00:46:20,756
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
750
00:46:21,056 --> 00:46:24,660
I did spend a lot of time down here, though,
as a kid. My granddad took me here a lot.
751
00:46:24,760 --> 00:46:28,141
We'd walk up and down the docks
we'd pick a boat, pretend to own it,
752
00:46:28,241 --> 00:46:31,199
name it, and then list
all the places you'd sail to.
753
00:46:31,999 --> 00:46:33,401
My granddad was great at it, too.
754
00:46:33,501 --> 00:46:37,839
He'd pick names like Helen of Troy
or the S.S. Excalibur.
755
00:46:38,039 --> 00:46:42,210
Sail to places like Sea of Cortez
and Zanzibar, you know?
756
00:46:42,310 --> 00:46:44,111
And what about you?
757
00:46:44,311 --> 00:46:46,947
I was the captain of the S.S. Heman,
758
00:46:47,047 --> 00:46:48,968
and we had set a course
for Castle Grayskull.
759
00:46:49,883 --> 00:46:51,051
- Nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
760
00:46:51,151 --> 00:46:53,688
Bit of a novice when it came
to charting aquatic courses.
761
00:46:56,023 --> 00:46:58,197
Oh, you two must be close.
762
00:46:58,297 --> 00:47:00,561
Well, he pretty much raised me.
763
00:47:00,761 --> 00:47:02,629
Yeah?
764
00:47:04,497 --> 00:47:06,533
Yeah.
765
00:47:11,337 --> 00:47:12,906
Okay,
766
00:47:13,006 --> 00:47:16,109
you own one of these boats.
Top place, where you going?
767
00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:19,812
Oh, gosh, I gotta say Costa Rica.
768
00:47:19,912 --> 00:47:21,713
- Costa Rica? Really, why?
- Yeah.
769
00:47:22,013 --> 00:47:24,350
I don't know, I guess I've always
just wanted to go there.
770
00:47:24,450 --> 00:47:29,521
You know... exciting nightlife,
culture everywhere. Tropical fruits.
771
00:47:29,621 --> 00:47:34,526
Okay, so... your top destination
has endless exotic fruits,
772
00:47:34,626 --> 00:47:36,312
- a place that never sleeps...
- Yeah.
773
00:47:36,412 --> 00:47:41,132
...and a population
that predominantly speaks Spanish.
774
00:47:41,799 --> 00:47:43,715
Okay...
775
00:47:43,815 --> 00:47:47,472
I can do this. I can do this right now.
776
00:47:48,172 --> 00:47:50,440
Follow me.
777
00:47:52,623 --> 00:47:54,912
Very clever.
778
00:47:57,649 --> 00:48:00,083
Life is too short, you know?
779
00:48:02,519 --> 00:48:04,654
Holding a grudge against the Captain?
780
00:48:04,754 --> 00:48:06,356
I don't know what you're supposed
to do with a grudge.
781
00:48:06,456 --> 00:48:09,526
- Do tell.
- I'm kidding.
782
00:48:09,626 --> 00:48:12,392
No, you're not,
there's totally a story there.
783
00:48:17,133 --> 00:48:18,908
You're really not gonna tell me?
784
00:48:19,935 --> 00:48:23,805
Okay, come on,
help me find a birthday card.
785
00:48:27,676 --> 00:48:30,188
My dearest daughter...
786
00:48:30,288 --> 00:48:33,082
may you live all the days
of your life... happy birthday.
787
00:48:33,182 --> 00:48:38,253
If Christmas isn't in your heart...
you'll never find it under a tree.
788
00:48:38,353 --> 00:48:41,289
- Happy birthday.
- This isn't a joke.
789
00:48:41,389 --> 00:48:43,787
- Who's birthday is it?
- Mine.
790
00:48:44,459 --> 00:48:46,828
- It's your birthday?
- As of 30 minutes ago.
791
00:48:46,928 --> 00:48:48,630
- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.
792
00:48:48,730 --> 00:48:51,733
Well... happy birthday.
793
00:48:52,933 --> 00:48:55,069
What? No cash? You're a cheap ass.
794
00:48:55,169 --> 00:48:57,504
Isn't buying a birthday card
for yourself a little depressing?
795
00:48:57,604 --> 00:48:59,640
Should we get one of those
"cheer up" ones?
796
00:48:59,740 --> 00:49:03,877
It's... it's not supposed to be from me.
It's supposed to be from my dad.
797
00:49:05,445 --> 00:49:10,884
When I was little, he died a couple days
before my birthday. So...
798
00:49:10,984 --> 00:49:14,588
- I'm sorry... what happened?
- He killed himself.
799
00:49:15,288 --> 00:49:18,557
But then, on my birthday,
I got a card from him.
800
00:49:19,057 --> 00:49:20,792
He had sent it before he died,
801
00:49:20,892 --> 00:49:24,631
and he'd said that he was sorry
and that he loved me.
802
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:30,035
Love is a little messed up sometimes.
803
00:49:30,970 --> 00:49:33,111
So, you know, every year on my birthday
804
00:49:33,211 --> 00:49:37,498
I pick out a card
that I think he would get me...
805
00:49:37,598 --> 00:49:40,040
and I sign it from him.
806
00:49:40,145 --> 00:49:42,714
And this might be it.
807
00:50:06,603 --> 00:50:10,357
- No boobs, no bone?
- It wasn't that kind of kiss.
808
00:50:10,457 --> 00:50:13,977
It was emotional, but wasn't about sex.
809
00:50:14,077 --> 00:50:16,912
I'm so confused. I don't know
how to translate what you just said.
810
00:50:17,012 --> 00:50:18,831
What did her tongue taste like?
811
00:50:19,081 --> 00:50:20,883
What are you doing
with your girlfriend there?
812
00:50:20,983 --> 00:50:23,319
Deflating her, and this is
my carpool lane associate.
813
00:50:23,419 --> 00:50:24,687
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, do you want to finish her off?
814
00:50:24,787 --> 00:50:26,656
Yeah, sure.
815
00:50:26,756 --> 00:50:29,791
Hey! Whoa, stop!
You're lucky I have two of these.
816
00:50:29,891 --> 00:50:33,628
It's my view that if you don't screw her soon
you're gonna screw it up for both of you.
817
00:50:33,928 --> 00:50:37,831
You know what? You would both be
better off if you just forget about her.
818
00:50:37,931 --> 00:50:42,436
You know, I have a short story that's exactly
perfect for this moment right now.
819
00:50:42,536 --> 00:50:44,720
Mallory, do you want to come
help me find it?
820
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:47,809
I don't know. I don't think anyone's
ever gone in your van on purpose
821
00:50:47,909 --> 00:50:50,142
- so I'm not gonna be the first.
- What the eff!
822
00:50:50,342 --> 00:50:53,781
Lyle! If you're gonna move your house,
you have to tell everybody in the group.
823
00:50:53,881 --> 00:50:56,917
Can we just stop calling it a house?
Do you mind?
824
00:50:57,017 --> 00:50:58,919
Sorry, Scott, do you want to come
in here and help me find something?
825
00:50:59,019 --> 00:51:02,598
It's got a steering wheel, it can
make turns. It can go to different states.
826
00:51:02,698 --> 00:51:05,291
- Careful.
- It has a license plate.
827
00:51:06,083 --> 00:51:07,027
Pass.
828
00:51:07,127 --> 00:51:10,963
It's like I was saying,
sexual tension can cloud a man's mind.
829
00:51:11,063 --> 00:51:14,500
When the dick takes over,
the brain shuts off.
830
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:16,341
- Are we still... are we on this?
- Both sides.
831
00:51:16,441 --> 00:51:19,672
It's writers 101, women want romance,
men want climax.
832
00:51:19,772 --> 00:51:23,676
One good orgasm, this guy's got all
his questions answered. Every single one.
833
00:51:23,776 --> 00:51:27,379
I'm sorry. Do men honestly think
that sex is the answer to everything?
834
00:51:27,479 --> 00:51:28,513
- Yes.
- Yeah.
835
00:51:28,613 --> 00:51:32,150
And it's also a time-tested shortcut,
since the dawn of man.
836
00:51:32,250 --> 00:51:35,720
If you can bang a girl, and forget
about her, then she's forgettable.
837
00:51:35,820 --> 00:51:37,722
Yeah, that's poetry.
838
00:51:37,822 --> 00:51:40,859
Hey, just forget about her. Move on.
839
00:51:40,959 --> 00:51:43,395
Hey, he cannot forget about her, okay?
840
00:51:43,495 --> 00:51:46,663
He's already built her up
as his mysterious forbidden fruit.
841
00:51:46,763 --> 00:51:48,534
So, unless he unravels the mystery,
842
00:51:48,634 --> 00:51:51,870
she'll haunt him, you know,
until the end of time.
843
00:51:52,870 --> 00:51:55,940
I've got a story about a serf. Okay?
844
00:51:56,540 --> 00:51:59,010
The serf was in love with the maiden...
845
00:52:00,410 --> 00:52:04,748
but he never told her,
so she married another.
846
00:52:08,584 --> 00:52:13,056
The serf vowed to forget her,
and to never be a slave to love again.
847
00:52:14,724 --> 00:52:18,795
Became a cold bastard,
he was unfulfilled. He was empty.
848
00:52:23,682 --> 00:52:27,702
There had to be more. So he became
a monk, looking for the Divine.
849
00:52:27,802 --> 00:52:30,672
He ran to ends of the earth,
searching for the spiritual fulfillment
850
00:52:30,772 --> 00:52:33,800
of the boundless and the everlasting.
851
00:52:34,909 --> 00:52:36,911
After many years had passed,
852
00:52:37,111 --> 00:52:39,481
and he'd finally cleared his mind
of all the earthly thoughts
853
00:52:39,581 --> 00:52:43,883
when he opened his mouth for the first
word that popped into his mind.
854
00:52:43,983 --> 00:52:47,287
And it was... her name.
855
00:52:47,387 --> 00:52:49,323
Gee, Grandpa, that was great.
856
00:52:49,423 --> 00:52:52,437
Why don't you tell the story about the time
you got drunk and tried to finger me.
857
00:52:52,537 --> 00:52:53,962
Okay, here it is.
858
00:52:54,062 --> 00:52:57,699
It's about this Russian astronaut who fell
in love with the mistress of the czar.
859
00:52:57,799 --> 00:53:01,034
- Lyle, I'm telling a story.
- Yeah, no, it's the same story...
860
00:53:01,134 --> 00:53:03,569
because he couldn't have
the girl he loved, right?
861
00:53:03,669 --> 00:53:05,484
So he ends up taking the space mission
862
00:53:05,584 --> 00:53:09,709
and he ends up floating off in space,
alone... without her, going crazy.
863
00:53:09,809 --> 00:53:11,278
Are you done? Are you finished?
864
00:53:11,378 --> 00:53:13,947
Well, he'll probably run out
of oxygen at some point.
865
00:53:14,047 --> 00:53:15,916
So then, that would probably be the end.
866
00:53:16,016 --> 00:53:19,719
Well, the point of my story is that
you can't just forget about her...
867
00:53:19,819 --> 00:53:23,555
- you have to answer the question.
- Yeah, mine, too. It's the same story.
868
00:53:23,655 --> 00:53:26,792
And then after that,
you suffocate out in space.
869
00:53:27,492 --> 00:53:29,495
Same story.
870
00:53:31,597 --> 00:53:34,438
Frogs are becoming extinct
throughout the rainforest.
871
00:53:34,538 --> 00:53:35,701
But what's more interesting...
872
00:53:35,801 --> 00:53:39,570
I never thought online dating
was for me until I tried it on a dare.
873
00:54:11,305 --> 00:54:15,200
- Hello.
- All right, I need to talk. Are you busy?
874
00:54:15,605 --> 00:54:17,106
No, no.
875
00:54:17,806 --> 00:54:20,142
This friend thing has gotten off-track.
876
00:54:20,242 --> 00:54:22,477
- It was the kiss, wasn't it?
- It's everything.
877
00:54:22,577 --> 00:54:26,448
I've got such a huge pit in my stomach.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
878
00:54:26,548 --> 00:54:29,385
So... it was a good kiss?
879
00:54:29,485 --> 00:54:33,913
That is irrelevant, okay?
That shouldn't...
880
00:54:34,013 --> 00:54:36,625
- We can't.
- I know. I know, it's messing me up, too.
881
00:54:38,325 --> 00:54:40,161
You think we should just have sex,
get it out of our system?
882
00:54:40,261 --> 00:54:41,530
We are not having sex!
883
00:54:41,630 --> 00:54:43,965
Well, you're not offering any solutions.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
884
00:54:44,065 --> 00:54:46,935
Helpful to yourself.
How does you getting laid help me?
885
00:54:47,035 --> 00:54:50,238
I've explored every other option.
I can't just be friends.
886
00:54:50,338 --> 00:54:54,500
I'm not getting a sex change and I refuse
to die out in space or join a monastery.
887
00:54:54,600 --> 00:54:56,644
How are those the only options?
888
00:54:56,744 --> 00:54:59,480
- I'm open to suggestions.
- Well, I don't have any.
889
00:54:59,580 --> 00:55:03,450
That doesn't mean sex.
All right, the kiss was a mistake.
890
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:08,876
Look, if this thing between us,
if it's nothing, if it's just infatuation,
891
00:55:09,722 --> 00:55:12,692
- maybe sex will cure it?
- Stop it.
892
00:55:12,992 --> 00:55:16,429
- So, what will it be?
- Some cold turkey.
893
00:55:16,529 --> 00:55:19,132
No, I don't want cold turkey.
894
00:55:19,232 --> 00:55:23,370
I want a hot... open-face sandwich.
895
00:55:23,470 --> 00:55:25,939
No, nothing hot.
896
00:55:26,039 --> 00:55:29,042
I want something steamy.
897
00:55:29,242 --> 00:55:31,576
- I want soup.
- He'll have gazpacho.
898
00:55:31,676 --> 00:55:34,145
We don't do gazpacho.
The menus are right there.
899
00:55:34,245 --> 00:55:36,749
Okay, I'll pick. I want ice cream.
900
00:55:36,849 --> 00:55:41,319
Oh, something sweet?
And a little bit bad for you.
901
00:55:41,419 --> 00:55:43,254
We're out of ice cream.
902
00:55:43,354 --> 00:55:45,274
- Of course, you are.
- Sorry.
903
00:55:45,374 --> 00:55:50,028
Could you bring us
some whipped cream and jelly?
904
00:55:50,428 --> 00:55:52,296
Whatever.
905
00:55:54,332 --> 00:55:57,667
Wow, what do you got
up your sleeve, Copperfield?
906
00:55:59,753 --> 00:56:02,672
Are you on that new condiment diet?
907
00:56:03,907 --> 00:56:05,576
- There you go.
- Thank you.
908
00:56:12,515 --> 00:56:14,217
Okay, I'm getting excited now.
909
00:56:16,219 --> 00:56:18,105
Voilà.
910
00:56:19,556 --> 00:56:21,191
Ice cream.
911
00:57:40,032 --> 00:57:41,434
Oh, God.
912
00:57:41,684 --> 00:57:44,102
My whole life,
I've felt guilty after sex.
913
00:57:44,202 --> 00:57:47,271
Guilty for everything I said
and done to get there.
914
00:57:47,371 --> 00:57:49,657
- So.
- So.
915
00:57:49,757 --> 00:57:52,831
But the thing I learned is when you
actually care about the person,
916
00:57:52,931 --> 00:57:55,747
you don't feel guilty.
917
00:58:37,553 --> 00:58:40,055
Welcome back, Cap.
918
00:58:42,624 --> 00:58:44,559
You know I couldn't even...
919
00:58:44,659 --> 00:58:48,730
I couldn't even eat this stuff
until last night. Look at me now.
920
00:58:49,380 --> 00:58:52,784
- I hope you don't think it means something.
- Of course, it means something.
921
00:58:52,884 --> 00:58:56,655
You bet your ass, it means something.
You feel it, too, I can see it.
922
00:58:56,755 --> 00:59:00,574
Yeah, I feel something, but I told you
last night, this can't happen.
923
00:59:00,874 --> 00:59:02,743
Come on, you can't say
you don't feel differently now.
924
00:59:02,843 --> 00:59:06,225
Yeah, but it always feels like this
at first. Like with my boyfriend,
925
00:59:06,325 --> 00:59:09,882
and all the other guys before him,
and then eventually it becomes...
926
00:59:10,082 --> 00:59:11,853
ordinary.
927
00:59:11,953 --> 00:59:12,981
Ordinary?
928
00:59:14,154 --> 00:59:15,923
You think last night was ordinary?
929
00:59:16,023 --> 00:59:20,793
No, I think last night was amazing.
But that's not the point.
930
00:59:20,893 --> 00:59:25,298
It was amazing, so what's the problem?
Screw those guys, they're not me.
931
00:59:25,398 --> 00:59:28,170
Yeah, but what about the next guy?
Is that gonna be amazing?
932
00:59:28,270 --> 00:59:31,838
- The next guy? There's already a next guy?
- No, the metaphorical next guy.
933
00:59:31,938 --> 00:59:34,107
God, now I gotta go meet
my boyfriend for lunch.
934
00:59:34,207 --> 00:59:36,641
Your boyfriend?
Wait, wait you gonna tell him about us?
935
00:59:36,741 --> 00:59:39,845
What? No, I'm not gonna tell him
about us. That I screwed up?
936
00:59:39,945 --> 00:59:43,982
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
It's the truth! Do you want me to tell him?
937
00:59:44,082 --> 00:59:47,743
No, I don't want you to tell him.
I gotta go.
938
00:59:51,657 --> 00:59:54,009
Fine! You know what?
I thought this was special.
939
00:59:54,109 --> 00:59:58,430
You're telling me it's ordinary. I guess
I was wrong. Enjoy all your next guys.
940
01:00:16,880 --> 01:00:19,224
Sounds like you gotta give her more space.
You know? You're crowding her.
941
01:00:19,324 --> 01:00:21,484
- Yeah.
- Shut up, you don't get to talk.
942
01:00:21,584 --> 01:00:24,488
- The dude's got a point... got a point.
- What do you mean, he has a point?
943
01:00:24,588 --> 01:00:26,657
You're the one that told me
sleeping with her was the only way.
944
01:00:26,757 --> 01:00:29,493
No, I said that sleeping with her
would give you the answer.
945
01:00:29,593 --> 01:00:32,229
I didn't know you were gonna lose it
and start acting needy.
946
01:00:32,329 --> 01:00:34,864
I'm not needy. We had a connection.
947
01:00:34,964 --> 01:00:38,000
So, dude, you take a girl home
for the first time and sleep with her,
948
01:00:38,100 --> 01:00:40,637
and you wake up in the morning
and she's trying to...
949
01:00:40,737 --> 01:00:44,673
you know, re-arrange your life.
How... how would you react to that?
950
01:00:44,973 --> 01:00:46,819
You gotta fix that, man.
951
01:00:46,919 --> 01:00:49,277
Shit, I'm needy.
952
01:00:49,427 --> 01:00:52,090
Hey, it's me.
953
01:00:52,656 --> 01:00:56,133
- Truce lunch?
- I didn't know we were at war.
954
01:00:56,233 --> 01:00:59,455
Well, I guess this is me
waving the white flag.
955
01:01:00,255 --> 01:01:02,123
I'm glad you called, actually.
956
01:01:02,823 --> 01:01:03,858
You are?
957
01:01:03,958 --> 01:01:08,162
Look, I am so sorry about the other morning.
I completely panicked, you know?
958
01:01:08,262 --> 01:01:11,397
No, I'm sorry. It's completely me,
I was so out of line.
959
01:01:11,497 --> 01:01:13,766
You freaked out a little bit,
and then that made me freak out
960
01:01:13,866 --> 01:01:16,220
and then you freaked out more.
And everything just got, you know...
961
01:01:16,993 --> 01:01:18,871
freaky.
962
01:01:18,971 --> 01:01:22,076
I know, but maybe
you were right about things.
963
01:01:23,576 --> 01:01:26,476
About you being in something
for the wrong reason
964
01:01:26,576 --> 01:01:29,684
or feeling differently about us?
Or both?
965
01:01:31,684 --> 01:01:34,720
Give me one good reason
why you and I belong together.
966
01:01:37,022 --> 01:01:41,602
I feel like the universe is pushing me
in a certain direction. And...
967
01:01:42,673 --> 01:01:45,617
God... All right, you know when...
968
01:01:45,717 --> 01:01:48,683
your friends tell you stories about their
break-up or their pet dying, whatever?
969
01:01:48,783 --> 01:01:50,935
I do this thing where I imagine
myself in the story.
970
01:01:51,035 --> 01:01:54,338
I feel like I can't do it now,
without you in it with me.
971
01:01:54,438 --> 01:01:56,775
- Oh, my God.
- It's a sign.
972
01:01:57,657 --> 01:02:00,345
- It's not a sign.
- It is. Trust me.
973
01:02:00,545 --> 01:02:04,148
- I do, that's what scares me.
- Hey! I knew that was you.
974
01:02:04,248 --> 01:02:06,217
Shit, it's the last guy I need to see.
975
01:02:06,317 --> 01:02:10,016
Where you been? I haven't seen you
at any of the monkey dinners.
976
01:02:10,116 --> 01:02:12,455
Yeah. My schedule's been crazy.
977
01:02:12,555 --> 01:02:15,692
And I'm talking to the event coordinator
at the Assist-a-Sister craft sale
978
01:02:15,792 --> 01:02:18,643
but she said that she'd never
even heard of you.
979
01:02:18,996 --> 01:02:21,832
I'm all, screw that, sister,
he's on the board of directors.
980
01:02:21,932 --> 01:02:25,868
Then she showed me her business card
and she's on the board of directors.
981
01:02:29,555 --> 01:02:33,642
Liar's block... it's like writer's block,
but for shitheads.
982
01:02:33,742 --> 01:02:38,798
I'm not technically as involved in the charity
scene as I may have led you to believe.
983
01:02:38,898 --> 01:02:42,518
- What does that mean?
- Well, charity events don't pay the bills.
984
01:02:42,718 --> 01:02:45,867
I go when I can, I just don't go
as often as I'd like to.
985
01:02:48,056 --> 01:02:49,657
Or claim to.
986
01:02:49,757 --> 01:02:53,495
- What do you do, exactly?
- I'm a writer.
987
01:02:53,595 --> 01:02:54,996
You've been lying this whole time.
988
01:02:55,096 --> 01:02:59,334
No, no, no, no, don't think of it like that.
Although it is technically accurate.
989
01:02:59,434 --> 01:03:03,074
Africa? Rainforest? The frogs?
990
01:03:03,525 --> 01:03:07,575
I want to take your drink
and throw it in your face.
991
01:03:13,580 --> 01:03:14,881
I did help with the frogs!
992
01:03:14,981 --> 01:03:16,717
I shouldn't be here.
God, I'm such an idiot.
993
01:03:16,817 --> 01:03:19,003
I really did!
I met a frog scientist at...
994
01:03:19,103 --> 01:03:22,356
I don't care about the frogs.
Fuck the frogs!
995
01:03:30,496 --> 01:03:33,933
You look like shit. What are you,
method writing or something?
996
01:03:34,378 --> 01:03:38,070
- I'm a fraud.
- Don't go to a dark place, man.
997
01:03:38,170 --> 01:03:41,850
RomComs are supposed
to be funny, remember?
998
01:03:42,407 --> 01:03:43,889
Look,
999
01:03:43,989 --> 01:03:47,078
it's not that hard, man. Check it out.
1000
01:03:47,178 --> 01:03:50,449
Boy meets girl, right?
Shit happens, right?
1001
01:03:50,649 --> 01:03:54,352
Boy, girl, do it... happily ever after.
1002
01:03:54,452 --> 01:03:57,272
That's not the way the world
works, Bryan. It's a shit show.
1003
01:03:58,323 --> 01:04:01,558
And you didn't draw hair on the girl,
I don't know which one is the dude.
1004
01:04:01,658 --> 01:04:05,878
Fine, I'll give you hair. What kind of hair
you want? You want a Beyonc� look?
1005
01:04:05,978 --> 01:04:08,532
You want like a Dolly Parton thing?
Puff, you want a flat-top?
1006
01:04:08,632 --> 01:04:10,234
No, you know what?
That's perfect, that's what love is.
1007
01:04:10,334 --> 01:04:12,852
It's this simple thing in our brains
and you try and put it in the world
1008
01:04:12,952 --> 01:04:14,334
and it gets decimated.
1009
01:04:14,434 --> 01:04:19,475
You can't even draw love on a napkin,
without it looking like two dudes 69-ing.
1010
01:04:19,575 --> 01:04:22,745
You're right.
You can't put love on paper.
1011
01:04:22,845 --> 01:04:25,749
You have a better chance of bleeding
your heart out through a paper cut
1012
01:04:25,849 --> 01:04:28,818
- then through a pen.
- What? Is that deep?
1013
01:04:28,918 --> 01:04:30,920
No, it's from another client's script.
1014
01:04:31,020 --> 01:04:34,257
I don't think it's good,
but everybody wants it.
1015
01:04:34,357 --> 01:04:37,410
Bidding all day on it,
because he finished the script.
1016
01:04:37,960 --> 01:04:42,031
RomComs aren't true.
They're what we wish were true.
1017
01:04:42,131 --> 01:04:47,403
And right now, what I wish was true,
is that you would meet your damn deadline!
1018
01:04:47,503 --> 01:04:50,405
And I really wish we weren't
having this conversation.
1019
01:04:50,505 --> 01:04:55,309
Okay. So, what I'm seeing
is you're distracted,
1020
01:04:55,409 --> 01:04:59,180
can't write, can't meet your deadline,
because of a girl!
1021
01:04:59,380 --> 01:05:02,316
So let's get a new girl!
1022
01:05:03,110 --> 01:05:06,788
How about that? Good?
Distraction from your distraction?
1023
01:05:06,888 --> 01:05:08,789
Let's head over to this party
I was gonna go to.
1024
01:05:08,889 --> 01:05:10,591
I don't know
if my heart's into it, Bryan.
1025
01:05:10,691 --> 01:05:12,393
Fuck your heart, man!
1026
01:05:12,693 --> 01:05:16,406
I'm talking about Champagne and blow jobs!
Let's go meet some girls.
1027
01:05:16,506 --> 01:05:19,299
Let's roll them up.
Let's glaze 'em like doughnuts.
1028
01:05:20,399 --> 01:05:23,537
No shit, cross my heart,
I tell the guy to get out of my house.
1029
01:05:23,637 --> 01:05:27,166
He leaves a book on the table.
I make a call, two weeks later...
1030
01:05:27,366 --> 01:05:29,472
Hunger Games.
1031
01:05:30,310 --> 01:05:33,580
Hey, man. Tequila?
1032
01:05:34,847 --> 01:05:36,299
What am I doing here?
1033
01:05:36,399 --> 01:05:40,119
The girl I love is probably screwing
some other guy right now.
1034
01:05:40,759 --> 01:05:42,722
Probably sweat-staining
the sheets with pleasure.
1035
01:05:42,822 --> 01:05:47,025
Coining new words
with orgasm after orgasm.
1036
01:05:48,294 --> 01:05:51,029
God knows that's what I'd be doing.
1037
01:05:53,965 --> 01:05:57,168
Hey, man. I think I'm gonna take off.
1038
01:05:57,268 --> 01:06:00,040
- You didn't find a distraction?
- No.
1039
01:06:01,239 --> 01:06:03,058
I honestly don't know what I felt.
1040
01:06:03,875 --> 01:06:07,870
But It was kind of like my heart
was drowning.
1041
01:06:10,247 --> 01:06:13,575
Maybe she's not the one.
Maybe my body and my instincts,
1042
01:06:13,675 --> 01:06:15,786
and the whole universe
are just lying to me.
1043
01:06:15,886 --> 01:06:18,622
I don't even know
what makes sense anymore.
1044
01:06:18,722 --> 01:06:22,492
Come on, man, please open up.
Just talk to me for a second?
1045
01:06:23,360 --> 01:06:27,597
All right, all right, look...
1046
01:06:28,182 --> 01:06:32,568
Sometimes when I'm searching for,
you know, porn to masturbate to,
1047
01:06:32,668 --> 01:06:35,083
if I'm looking for girls that are a lot
like the girl that I'm seeing,
1048
01:06:35,183 --> 01:06:37,680
that's a good sign. All right?
1049
01:06:37,780 --> 01:06:41,104
- Okay.
- So, ask yourself,
1050
01:06:41,204 --> 01:06:44,014
if you do that. I gotta go, man,
I'm in the middle of something.
1051
01:06:44,114 --> 01:06:49,818
Lyle! That's not advice. Come on, man,
give me like five minutes, be a friend.
1052
01:06:50,018 --> 01:06:52,894
- All right.
- Look, look, look...
1053
01:06:52,994 --> 01:06:56,392
You've gotta go to her.
Tell her how you feel.
1054
01:06:56,492 --> 01:06:59,794
- She knows how I feel.
- But did you tell her you love her?
1055
01:06:59,894 --> 01:07:02,981
I don't think she believes in love.
To be honest, I don't know if I do.
1056
01:07:03,081 --> 01:07:06,988
Doesn't matter, as long as you feel it.
1057
01:07:15,643 --> 01:07:19,247
Look, she loves these little cat kisses.
They're so cute.
1058
01:07:19,347 --> 01:07:23,057
Look, I have needs and you're blocking
those needs right now.
1059
01:07:23,157 --> 01:07:26,687
Go talk to Mallory,
she loves your little issues.
1060
01:07:27,187 --> 01:07:29,901
Thank you. Thank you.
1061
01:07:30,791 --> 01:07:33,626
She won't return any of my calls.
She's ignoring my texts.
1062
01:07:33,726 --> 01:07:36,095
Why are girls so crazy?
1063
01:07:36,195 --> 01:07:38,231
Men, men make us crazy.
1064
01:07:38,331 --> 01:07:40,633
You know what I mean, though?
You're with this crazy person,
1065
01:07:40,733 --> 01:07:44,398
and they're making you crazy.
You just want to shake them
1066
01:07:44,498 --> 01:07:47,318
- and show them what you see!
- Yeah, I've been there.
1067
01:07:47,418 --> 01:07:49,626
How'd you handle it?
1068
01:07:50,226 --> 01:07:53,946
- Me? I didn't do anything.
- Nothing?
1069
01:07:54,046 --> 01:07:56,181
You must have done something.
How strong were your feelings?
1070
01:07:56,281 --> 01:07:58,925
- Pretty strong.
- The guy from the play?
1071
01:07:59,025 --> 01:08:01,720
No, he was too needy.
1072
01:08:01,820 --> 01:08:03,562
Some other guy.
1073
01:08:05,656 --> 01:08:07,949
All right, if you had to go back
and do it all over again,
1074
01:08:08,049 --> 01:08:11,862
- would you tell him how you felt?
- I don't know. It might hurt.
1075
01:08:11,962 --> 01:08:14,432
Yeah, but doesn't this hurt?
What if he felt the same way?
1076
01:08:14,532 --> 01:08:15,801
I love you.
1077
01:08:17,535 --> 01:08:20,523
- Shit.
- I love you.
1078
01:08:20,623 --> 01:08:22,907
I should've told you.
I thought you knew.
1079
01:08:31,749 --> 01:08:35,278
And that's why I never told you.
1080
01:08:44,526 --> 01:08:49,999
- Where's our script, bitch?
- Yeah, where's our script?
1081
01:08:51,367 --> 01:08:57,139
I'm gonna slit your throat
and penetrate your mind.
1082
01:08:57,707 --> 01:08:59,792
Yeah.
1083
01:09:10,418 --> 01:09:14,348
- Hello?
- I need to tell you something.
1084
01:09:14,789 --> 01:09:17,292
- I'm engaged.
- What?
1085
01:09:17,392 --> 01:09:20,494
I've been a total mess and I'm sorry.
It's been all my fault.
1086
01:09:20,594 --> 01:09:23,664
- I've projected all of my fears onto you.
- Why would you do this?
1087
01:09:23,764 --> 01:09:27,949
Because he's the one steady thing
in my life. It's time.
1088
01:09:28,049 --> 01:09:32,472
It's time? That's your reason?
You don't love this guy.
1089
01:09:33,581 --> 01:09:36,076
What are you doing? God! Stop it!
1090
01:09:36,376 --> 01:09:39,979
This is a mistake. I know you don't see it
right now, but I promise you will regret it.
1091
01:09:40,079 --> 01:09:42,748
- Oh, my God.
- I love you.
1092
01:09:43,750 --> 01:09:46,853
Are you out of your mind? Oh, my God!
1093
01:09:46,953 --> 01:09:49,322
- You better find my goddamn ring!
- I'll buy you another ring!
1094
01:09:49,472 --> 01:09:52,552
- All right, move! I'll find your ring.
- Jesus Christ! Watch where you're stepping!
1095
01:09:52,652 --> 01:09:55,672
- If it was bigger, it'd be easier to find.
- Oh, really? Do you hear that a lot?
1096
01:09:55,772 --> 01:09:56,814
Here!
1097
01:09:56,914 --> 01:10:00,181
Jesus Christ! Why do you have
to complicate everything?
1098
01:10:00,281 --> 01:10:03,736
Me? You called me!
Why didn't you just text?
1099
01:10:04,636 --> 01:10:07,270
I don't want you to marry this guy.
Why him? Why now?
1100
01:10:07,370 --> 01:10:10,099
- Give me one good reason.
- It makes sense.
1101
01:10:10,199 --> 01:10:12,277
- What do you want to hear?
- That you love him.
1102
01:10:12,377 --> 01:10:15,388
You want to hear that I love you.
1103
01:10:15,488 --> 01:10:17,448
I can't give you that.
1104
01:10:28,058 --> 01:10:32,079
I want to put my face in a waffle iron.
1105
01:10:32,179 --> 01:10:35,797
- I want to jump in front of a Maglev train.
- No, you don't.
1106
01:10:38,834 --> 01:10:41,605
Maybe you're pitying yourself
a little too much here.
1107
01:10:41,705 --> 01:10:45,842
Pitying? It's not pity. I'm hurt.
1108
01:10:45,942 --> 01:10:50,614
Okay, but what about... her?
1109
01:10:50,714 --> 01:10:53,666
I mean, you know, you put her
in a pretty tough spot here.
1110
01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:57,219
She's marrying a guy she doesn't love.
She put herself in that spot.
1111
01:10:57,319 --> 01:10:59,788
Yeah, and you went after a girl
that has a boyfriend.
1112
01:11:00,388 --> 01:11:02,607
I mean, you kind of
brought that on yourself.
1113
01:11:02,707 --> 01:11:06,762
If you really love her,
maybe you should... let her go.
1114
01:11:06,962 --> 01:11:11,500
- Who's side are you on?
- I'm... I'm on love's side.
1115
01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:13,274
Oh, my God...
1116
01:11:13,374 --> 01:11:19,180
Scott, I don't need some romanticized
metaphor right now, all right?
1117
01:11:19,940 --> 01:11:22,410
Okay, just trying to help.
1118
01:11:22,510 --> 01:11:26,214
Really? And where'd you gain
this amazing insight into love?
1119
01:11:26,314 --> 01:11:28,383
You've been in love with the guy
from the book store for two years.
1120
01:11:28,483 --> 01:11:31,851
You haven't done shit. At least
I tried, I put myself out there.
1121
01:11:31,951 --> 01:11:33,487
Look, Vince is obviously straight.
1122
01:11:33,587 --> 01:11:38,325
No gay man thinks that Terminator
is the most romantic movie of all time.
1123
01:11:38,425 --> 01:11:42,662
Plus, I did the whole
Ghost-ditto line thing on him.
1124
01:11:43,138 --> 01:11:46,533
Nothing. So I think it's pretty safe
to say if he's gay, he'd be all over this.
1125
01:11:46,633 --> 01:11:50,236
You're lying to yourself. You run around
leaving this romance book for people to find.
1126
01:11:50,336 --> 01:11:53,738
That doesn't make you an expert in love.
1127
01:11:54,689 --> 01:11:56,275
That book is my art.
1128
01:11:56,375 --> 01:12:00,047
Okay, I bet not one person
who found it ever read it.
1129
01:12:02,781 --> 01:12:07,659
Wait a second, you never read it?
You told me you read it.
1130
01:12:09,071 --> 01:12:11,823
Don't make your Scott face.
If it's that important to you, I'll read it.
1131
01:12:11,923 --> 01:12:14,448
If it's that important to me?
I got pink eye
1132
01:12:14,548 --> 01:12:17,629
- from a charity dunk tank for you.
- You didn't write it.
1133
01:12:17,729 --> 01:12:22,033
Oh, my God, you are so self-absorbed!
That book changed my life!
1134
01:12:22,133 --> 01:12:25,937
It inspired me to write!
To... to accept myself, Jesus!
1135
01:12:26,037 --> 01:12:27,814
- Come on, man, don't do this. This is...
- Christ!
1136
01:12:27,914 --> 01:12:30,738
I've seen you run through Mallory.
I've seen you dismiss Lyle.
1137
01:12:30,838 --> 01:12:33,796
You barely ever visit Granddad.
The entire time I thought I was exempt.
1138
01:12:33,896 --> 01:12:36,179
For some reason,
I thought I was the exception.
1139
01:12:36,279 --> 01:12:39,584
- Really? You want to go there over a book?
- What's the name of the book?
1140
01:12:44,888 --> 01:12:47,356
E... Eternal Love and Leprosy.
1141
01:12:47,956 --> 01:12:50,460
I'm kidding!
It's... Love and the Time of Cholera.
1142
01:12:50,560 --> 01:12:53,429
Love in the Time of Cholera.
1143
01:12:53,529 --> 01:12:54,775
90 percent.
1144
01:12:56,464 --> 01:12:58,934
Well, Mr. Screenwriter...
1145
01:12:59,034 --> 01:13:03,306
I am just so glad
that I'm not in the movie of your life.
1146
01:13:03,406 --> 01:13:07,615
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're the lead, right? You're the star.
1147
01:13:09,111 --> 01:13:12,555
But it'll never be a great romance.
Do you want to know why?
1148
01:13:14,016 --> 01:13:16,385
It's only about one person.
1149
01:13:20,014 --> 01:13:22,824
You didn't write the book!
1150
01:13:30,698 --> 01:13:32,508
Hey!
1151
01:13:32,608 --> 01:13:35,469
Hey! It's me!
1152
01:13:37,103 --> 01:13:39,740
Jesus! Did you just throw a rock at me?
1153
01:13:39,840 --> 01:13:42,443
Shit! Head's up!
1154
01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:45,645
Sorry. You can't marry him.
1155
01:13:46,245 --> 01:13:49,082
You want logic, I'll give you logic.
1156
01:13:49,182 --> 01:13:51,251
One, you don't love him.
1157
01:13:51,351 --> 01:13:54,317
Jesus, do not do this.
1158
01:13:54,417 --> 01:13:58,891
The sex is better with me.
I know, I have first-hand experience.
1159
01:13:58,991 --> 01:14:00,627
- Who is it?
- It's no one!
1160
01:14:00,727 --> 01:14:04,329
It's not no one! I'm the one!
1161
01:14:04,429 --> 01:14:05,668
Third,
1162
01:14:05,768 --> 01:14:10,032
he hates hearts. He hates museum hearts.
1163
01:14:10,132 --> 01:14:13,105
He's gonna hate San Francisco hearts.
1164
01:14:13,205 --> 01:14:16,241
He hates my heart,
because my heart smokes...
1165
01:14:16,341 --> 01:14:17,743
What's going on out here?
1166
01:14:17,843 --> 01:14:22,079
Oh, God, look at him!
Your kids are gonna look like that?
1167
01:14:22,179 --> 01:14:25,432
- Look, do you want me to call the cops?
- No, just go inside, he's drunk.
1168
01:14:25,532 --> 01:14:28,052
- Call 'em, bitch. Call the cops!
- Look, I swear to God, I'm gonna...
1169
01:14:28,152 --> 01:14:32,202
Gonna what? Stand up there
and talk me to death or come down here
1170
01:14:32,302 --> 01:14:35,258
- and stuff my balls in your mouth.
- Right.
1171
01:14:35,358 --> 01:14:38,562
Third! I love you.
1172
01:14:39,162 --> 01:14:42,874
There's no one else, I know.
1173
01:14:43,740 --> 01:14:45,653
I've looked.
1174
01:14:46,153 --> 01:14:47,990
Have you got a problem, punk?
1175
01:14:48,490 --> 01:14:50,639
You're trying to harass me
and my fiancee, are you?
1176
01:14:50,739 --> 01:14:51,707
She doesn't love you, man.
1177
01:14:51,807 --> 01:14:53,543
Let me show you what happens
when you're drunk.
1178
01:14:57,080 --> 01:14:59,331
Beat his ass!
1179
01:15:00,315 --> 01:15:02,668
Yeah!
1180
01:15:02,768 --> 01:15:05,120
Unfortunately,
this is what actually happens.
1181
01:15:05,620 --> 01:15:07,589
She doesn't love you, man.
1182
01:15:15,597 --> 01:15:17,632
What is wrong with you?
1183
01:15:18,532 --> 01:15:21,726
I just bought these at Barney's!
1184
01:15:25,706 --> 01:15:28,109
He asked me to move in with him.
1185
01:15:28,209 --> 01:15:30,711
We're gonna elope in December.
1186
01:15:35,582 --> 01:15:38,952
- You hate me.
- I don't hate you.
1187
01:15:41,521 --> 01:15:44,094
I nothing you.
1188
01:16:02,341 --> 01:16:04,777
Oh, Scott.
1189
01:16:04,877 --> 01:16:08,379
I know I owe you an apology,
but I can't talk right now.
1190
01:16:08,479 --> 01:16:11,483
- I had a really rough night.
- If there's one universal law...
1191
01:16:11,583 --> 01:16:16,087
beyond relativity and string theory
and M-theory, it's this.
1192
01:16:16,387 --> 01:16:18,940
- Things can always get worse.
- Granddad died.
1193
01:16:21,037 --> 01:16:23,060
I'm sorry.
1194
01:17:01,730 --> 01:17:03,999
So death comes as a reminder.
1195
01:17:04,099 --> 01:17:07,969
It grabs us and shakes us,
opens our eyes.
1196
01:17:12,006 --> 01:17:17,645
And our focus is changed...
shifted... revised.
1197
01:17:28,422 --> 01:17:29,917
To the finder of this book...
1198
01:17:30,017 --> 01:17:34,294
This book changed my life,
so I wanted to share it with you.
1199
01:17:34,394 --> 01:17:37,664
I'm gonna tell you this one from my point
of view so you can put yourself in there.
1200
01:17:37,764 --> 01:17:39,666
...the song, the memory...
1201
01:17:39,766 --> 01:17:41,281
So the story goes,
1202
01:17:41,381 --> 01:17:44,852
a guy falls in love with a girl
the second he meets her,
1203
01:17:44,952 --> 01:17:47,767
but it takes him a lifetime
to finally get together.
1204
01:17:47,867 --> 01:17:50,317
When they do, they end up on a boat,
1205
01:17:50,417 --> 01:17:54,570
and they realize the only way they can
stay together is to never go ashore,
1206
01:17:54,670 --> 01:17:58,274
so they raise the yellow cholera flag
so no port will take them,
1207
01:17:58,374 --> 01:18:01,321
and they drift out to sea until the end.
1208
01:18:01,421 --> 01:18:03,343
And it makes you realize,
1209
01:18:03,443 --> 01:18:06,291
there are people in your life
so important
1210
01:18:06,391 --> 01:18:09,527
that they dwarf everything else.
1211
01:18:10,642 --> 01:18:13,898
And it's up to you
to figure out who they are.
1212
01:18:16,935 --> 01:18:19,484
If you had to give up everything else,
1213
01:18:19,584 --> 01:18:22,351
and spend the rest of your days
on a boat...
1214
01:18:22,451 --> 01:18:27,144
who are the must-haves?
The ones you can't live without.
1215
01:18:33,450 --> 01:18:35,202
Figure out your own list
1216
01:18:35,302 --> 01:18:39,834
and then do everything you can to let them
know how much they mean to you.
1217
01:18:46,162 --> 01:18:49,331
I hope it's not too late for me.
1218
01:18:49,431 --> 01:18:52,034
Okay, first things first.
1219
01:18:56,589 --> 01:18:59,108
Split-personality RomCom, let's do it.
1220
01:19:04,146 --> 01:19:07,344
Just because I wear a badge,
doesn't mean I can't feel.
1221
01:19:07,444 --> 01:19:11,119
It's too late, he's Heisman-ed you
into the friend zone.
1222
01:19:11,219 --> 01:19:14,990
Oh, it's useless,
she could never love us.
1223
01:19:15,390 --> 01:19:18,193
You're just saying that,
because we're crazy.
1224
01:19:18,293 --> 01:19:20,061
Oh, he's no different than us.
1225
01:19:20,161 --> 01:19:22,731
Everyone has all these
different faces to hide behind.
1226
01:19:23,031 --> 01:19:26,400
Love is just as crazy.
It changes everything, okay?
1227
01:19:26,500 --> 01:19:29,486
It could be like a red,
red rose, or a machete.
1228
01:19:29,586 --> 01:19:33,607
It's like what they say,
love is a many splintered thing.
1229
01:19:33,707 --> 01:19:35,642
It's not splintered.
1230
01:19:35,742 --> 01:19:40,190
It's "Love is a many splendored thing."
Splintered sounds painful.
1231
01:19:40,490 --> 01:19:42,765
It's that, too.
1232
01:19:42,865 --> 01:19:46,355
Yeah, it's that, too.
1233
01:19:57,697 --> 01:20:00,099
I don't really know
what's happening here.
1234
01:20:00,199 --> 01:20:02,348
I just finished a screenplay.
It's very emotional.
1235
01:20:07,322 --> 01:20:10,109
All right, time to celebrate.
1236
01:20:11,143 --> 01:20:12,277
Scott and I had made up.
1237
01:20:12,377 --> 01:20:14,379
- Congratulations, man.
- Thank you.
1238
01:20:14,479 --> 01:20:18,551
I got you something.
100 Years of Solitude.
1239
01:20:18,651 --> 01:20:21,052
- Oh, God.
- Don't read too deeply into the title.
1240
01:20:21,152 --> 01:20:25,990
I'm pretty sure there's only a small chance
that you'll die alone yourself.
1241
01:20:28,126 --> 01:20:32,663
Yeah, well, that's the good thing
about being a writer, right?
1242
01:20:32,763 --> 01:20:35,569
You get to choose your own ending.
1243
01:20:36,366 --> 01:20:38,521
Mallory had finally given
her friend-date a real shot.
1244
01:20:38,621 --> 01:20:42,172
- I'm gonna get us drinks.
- Great.
1245
01:20:42,272 --> 01:20:44,295
You guys are cute.
1246
01:20:45,241 --> 01:20:47,111
- Hello.
- Hello.
1247
01:20:47,211 --> 01:20:49,513
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
1248
01:20:49,613 --> 01:20:52,315
Get out of here, I'm busy.
1249
01:20:53,784 --> 01:20:56,019
Okay, we're good.
1250
01:20:56,119 --> 01:20:58,716
- Samson and Lyle were...
- Gentlemen.
1251
01:20:58,816 --> 01:20:59,855
- Samson and Lyle.
- Congratulations.
1252
01:20:59,955 --> 01:21:02,369
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
1253
01:21:02,469 --> 01:21:04,005
And Bryan was elated
to cash his commission.
1254
01:21:04,105 --> 01:21:07,329
Congratulations. Great work,
and not a moment too soon
1255
01:21:07,429 --> 01:21:12,151
because they pushed the start date up
for the action movie two weeks.
1256
01:21:12,251 --> 01:21:13,569
That deserves a drink.
1257
01:21:13,669 --> 01:21:16,624
I watched Terminator again.
1258
01:21:16,724 --> 01:21:18,365
Oh, yeah.
1259
01:21:18,465 --> 01:21:22,343
Yeah, and you're right.
I'm sorry, you're right.
1260
01:21:22,443 --> 01:21:26,381
It's actually a...
weirdly romantic film.
1261
01:21:26,681 --> 01:21:30,027
Cheers. So...
1262
01:21:30,627 --> 01:21:32,214
I wanted to personally come down
1263
01:21:32,314 --> 01:21:36,261
and give you a first class ticket
to six weeks
1264
01:21:36,361 --> 01:21:38,734
of first-class Malaysian pussy.
1265
01:21:39,760 --> 01:21:43,444
You know, sometimes I can get something
stuck in my head a certain way,
1266
01:21:43,544 --> 01:21:45,757
you know, and then...
1267
01:21:45,857 --> 01:21:51,053
I can miss all the other ways
it can be.
1268
01:21:52,706 --> 01:21:54,774
Ditto.
1269
01:21:56,843 --> 01:21:58,913
No, no, no, no.
1270
01:21:59,013 --> 01:22:01,675
Don't open it. I'll get more money.
1271
01:22:02,632 --> 01:22:05,599
Even with my boat pretty full...
1272
01:22:07,320 --> 01:22:09,755
There was still something missing.
1273
01:22:12,458 --> 01:22:14,993
Time to write my own ending.
1274
01:22:16,777 --> 01:22:19,664
I've got a wedding to stop.
1275
01:22:21,132 --> 01:22:25,971
All those 5Ks I ran finally paid off,
seeing as how I have to outrun this clich�.
1276
01:22:30,475 --> 01:22:32,943
Hey! Don't you have a bunch
of heart sculptures somewhere?
1277
01:22:33,443 --> 01:22:37,081
- Oh, yeah, buddy, we have hearts.
- Great. Take me there.
1278
01:22:37,181 --> 01:22:39,283
- Which one?
- All of them.
1279
01:22:39,383 --> 01:22:43,047
- Are you crazy or something?
- Something.
1280
01:23:17,352 --> 01:23:19,582
- Sorry, guys, this cab's taken.
- Yes, we know.
1281
01:23:19,682 --> 01:23:23,192
- Gabriel told us what you are doing.
- We want to see all the hearts, too.
1282
01:23:34,235 --> 01:23:37,572
She's the only thing I think about.
And I can't get her out of my head.
1283
01:23:37,672 --> 01:23:42,261
- Sounds like she doesn't love him.
- That... that's what...
1284
01:23:42,361 --> 01:23:43,610
I like you guys.
1285
01:23:48,214 --> 01:23:49,282
Excuse me,
1286
01:23:49,382 --> 01:23:53,719
did you happen to see a wedding here earlier
with a girl that was like... perfect?
1287
01:23:54,019 --> 01:23:56,456
I'll see what you want me
to see for 50 bucks.
1288
01:23:56,756 --> 01:23:58,692
Okay, let's go, guys!
1289
01:24:00,660 --> 01:24:04,283
Wait, you're gonna bust up
some dude's wedding? Hell, yeah.
1290
01:24:04,383 --> 01:24:08,732
Sometimes when you're chasing love it feels
like the whole world is on your side.
1291
01:24:17,943 --> 01:24:22,481
We are gathered here today
to celebrate a marriage.
1292
01:24:25,249 --> 01:24:27,662
If there's anyone here
who objects to this union
1293
01:24:27,762 --> 01:24:30,070
let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
1294
01:24:30,170 --> 01:24:32,624
That's the last one
at the end of the pier.
1295
01:24:32,774 --> 01:24:34,726
She's gotta be there.
1296
01:24:55,646 --> 01:24:58,282
Even my imagination
took a kick to the balls.
1297
01:25:05,821 --> 01:25:09,491
- Gabriel, what's that big arrow?
- That's Cupid's Bow.
1298
01:25:09,691 --> 01:25:13,112
- Why didn't we go there?
- You specifically said heart sculptures.
1299
01:25:13,212 --> 01:25:17,433
- That, my friend, is not a heart.
- But those shoot hearts.
1300
01:25:18,033 --> 01:25:19,868
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
1301
01:25:42,289 --> 01:25:44,154
Hi.
1302
01:25:46,159 --> 01:25:47,686
What are you doing here?
1303
01:25:48,635 --> 01:25:52,199
- I came to stop you.
- Oh, then you're a little late.
1304
01:25:52,299 --> 01:25:55,235
Yes, I can see that.
1305
01:25:55,335 --> 01:25:57,972
You know, there's like 100
of these heart statues.
1306
01:25:58,072 --> 01:26:02,041
I wrote a whole speech on the plane.
I was gonna make a big scene.
1307
01:26:02,341 --> 01:26:04,611
Yeah, well, you need
to work on your timing.
1308
01:26:06,379 --> 01:26:07,647
Did you marry him?
1309
01:26:09,782 --> 01:26:11,718
No.
1310
01:26:11,818 --> 01:26:14,420
I was standing there looking at him,
1311
01:26:14,820 --> 01:26:18,323
and it just felt wrong...
for both of us.
1312
01:26:18,723 --> 01:26:21,159
- Maybe that's a sign.
- Stop.
1313
01:26:21,259 --> 01:26:24,229
All right, this is serious.
1314
01:26:24,329 --> 01:26:26,231
You shouldn't even be here.
1315
01:26:26,931 --> 01:26:28,600
Look, I know you're upset with me,
1316
01:26:28,700 --> 01:26:33,255
but I feel like we met each other
at a very strange point in our lives.
1317
01:26:33,355 --> 01:26:38,208
I think you were in the wrong relationship.
I couldn't sustain one if I had to.
1318
01:26:38,308 --> 01:26:41,455
But I feel...
1319
01:26:41,953 --> 01:26:44,578
something strong.
1320
01:26:44,678 --> 01:26:46,186
I feel different.
1321
01:26:47,518 --> 01:26:51,437
And... I think we deserve
to find out what that is.
1322
01:26:52,589 --> 01:26:56,627
We deserve to be as far away
from each other as possible.
1323
01:26:56,927 --> 01:26:59,029
Wait! Why? Why?
1324
01:26:59,129 --> 01:27:00,964
Look at us!
1325
01:27:01,064 --> 01:27:05,502
You lie about saving frogs
and cleaning Third World drinking water!
1326
01:27:05,602 --> 01:27:08,154
And I cheat on boyfriends,
that's who we are.
1327
01:27:08,254 --> 01:27:10,607
We're both disasters,
neither of us deserve love!
1328
01:27:10,707 --> 01:27:13,443
Then we're perfect for each other.
1329
01:27:13,543 --> 01:27:18,213
We're flawed. We're a shit show.
We're two people full of flaws.
1330
01:27:18,313 --> 01:27:22,217
Oh, my God. That's your pitch?
1331
01:27:22,417 --> 01:27:25,153
Damn, dude, that shit ain't workin'.
1332
01:27:25,253 --> 01:27:27,874
Look, love is fucked up,
it's confusing, and it's terrifying,
1333
01:27:27,974 --> 01:27:30,826
and it's... it's painful, it sucks.
1334
01:27:30,976 --> 01:27:33,894
But I'm looking at you right now...
1335
01:27:34,962 --> 01:27:36,864
I want to risk it.
1336
01:27:36,964 --> 01:27:39,601
I know it could be a mistake. I know
we could make each other miserable.
1337
01:27:39,701 --> 01:27:44,573
But if we have even the slightest
chance of being that one time...
1338
01:27:45,273 --> 01:27:49,110
I'm willing to regret you
for the rest of my life.
1339
01:27:50,879 --> 01:27:53,446
God, I hate you.
1340
01:27:55,849 --> 01:27:57,317
I love you, too.
1341
01:27:57,417 --> 01:28:01,788
I really hate you. I hate you.
1342
01:28:23,608 --> 01:28:27,090
Everybody has their own ideas about love.
They have their philosophies,
1343
01:28:27,190 --> 01:28:30,348
and facts and rules of how it works
and what you're supposed to do,
1344
01:28:30,448 --> 01:28:33,270
but none of that shit matters
because love isn't a thinking thing,
1345
01:28:33,370 --> 01:28:35,185
it's a feeling thing
1346
01:28:35,285 --> 01:28:38,472
and this is what it felt like for me.
1347
01:28:44,062 --> 01:28:48,469
Live your own story, and don't worry,
I promise I won't put myself in it.
1348
01:28:48,569 --> 01:28:51,838
Pour some honey on the world
1349
01:28:51,938 --> 01:28:57,200
For sweeter soul before you go
1350
01:28:58,046 --> 01:29:01,437
Paint some color in your heart
1351
01:29:01,537 --> 01:29:06,071
You won't end what you don't stop
1352
01:29:17,051 --> 01:29:20,559
In faith plan this all one night
1353
01:29:20,659 --> 01:29:25,929
I was drunk, you were dressed in white
1354
01:29:26,578 --> 01:29:29,750
And we talk down on the beach
1355
01:29:29,850 --> 01:29:34,288
I slurred my speech, you kiss my cheek
1356
01:29:45,619 --> 01:29:49,010
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
1357
01:29:49,110 --> 01:29:51,501
For you and I
1358
01:29:51,601 --> 01:29:54,666
Oh, my mind
1359
01:29:55,175 --> 01:29:58,536
You know I love to see you smile
1360
01:29:58,636 --> 01:30:01,162
Each and every time
1361
01:30:01,262 --> 01:30:05,090
It blows my mind
1362
01:30:14,673 --> 01:30:17,838
And you know that life goes on
1363
01:30:17,938 --> 01:30:23,385
With the tops and downs
its twists and shouts
1364
01:30:24,224 --> 01:30:27,462
Help me understand the world
1365
01:30:27,562 --> 01:30:32,978
You're the sweeter soul I've ever known
1366
01:30:43,381 --> 01:30:46,621
Now there's color in my heart
1367
01:30:46,721 --> 01:30:51,190
For a brand new start, here we go
1368
01:31:02,632 --> 01:31:06,083
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
1369
01:31:06,183 --> 01:31:08,559
For you and I
1370
01:31:08,659 --> 01:31:11,704
Oh, my mind
1371
01:31:12,338 --> 01:31:15,690
You know I love to see you smile
1372
01:31:15,790 --> 01:31:18,221
Each and every time
1373
01:31:18,321 --> 01:31:21,190
It blows my mind
1374
01:31:22,121 --> 01:31:25,529
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
1375
01:31:25,629 --> 01:31:28,088
For you and I
1376
01:31:28,188 --> 01:31:31,204
Oh, my mind
1377
01:31:31,804 --> 01:31:35,220
You know I love to see you smile, woman
1378
01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:37,664
Each and every time, woman
1379
01:31:37,764 --> 01:31:40,616
It blows my mind