1 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:50,467 When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 2 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,927 Here's how it happened. 3 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,058 I went to school at Florida State. I was not a very good student. 4 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,018 This is how bad I was. 5 00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:03,063 I signed up for a Russian class one time, thinking it was Spanish. 6 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,107 And it took me three classes before I realized, 7 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,692 "I don't think this is Spanish." 8 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:12,906 So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4, never learned a fucking word. 9 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,784 The end of Russian 4, same teacher pulls me aside. 10 00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:17,911 She's like, "Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia. 11 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,329 If you go, you'll get a minor." 12 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,665 I was like, "Strasvutsia, bitches, I'm back!" 13 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,835 We went to Russia. The Russian mob ran everything. 14 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,253 And they told us that our first night. 15 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:28,755 I'm in the back of the class like, "This trip just got fucking awesome." 16 00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,926 Then, like, in exchange for our money, they gave us two young gangsters. 17 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,970 The word for that in Russian is "banditti." 18 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:37,514 So I ended up befriending the banditti. 19 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:43,395 Then, one night, the whole class is taking an overnight train trip to Moscow. 20 00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:46,273 We roll to the bar car like a big dick in a locker room. 21 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:49,526 Just, not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it. 22 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,112 So the banditti says to me, 23 00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:55,157 "Don't worry. When it gets dark, we have good time." 24 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,242 I'm like, "What are we doing when it gets dark?" 25 00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,162 Reaches into his pocket, pulls a ring of keys out. 26 00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,497 He goes, "We're robbing the whole fucking train.” 27 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:03,582 Now... 28 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,879 I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person. 29 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,674 My point is, we fucking robbed them. 30 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,596 We robbed the whole train, and then we drank hard as shit. 31 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:21,808 Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m., hammered, piss drunk. Train stops. 32 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:22,809 It is him. 33 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,519 My whole class, they're in their pajamas. 34 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,521 They're upset. They've been robbed. I get it. 35 00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:31,151 I want what you stole, Machine! 36 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,944 I'm the Machine! 37 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:36,740 They look at me and look at each other and they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!” 38 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:27,768 Okay. 39 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,646 So, Bert, how we doing today? 40 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,315 I feel fantastic. 41 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,901 I'm eating clean. I'm working out. 42 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,277 Blood pressure's down. 43 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:38,820 No more partying. 44 00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:42,741 I haven't called anyone in this room the C-word in almost three months, huh? 45 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,993 He's never called Tat a C-word. 46 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:47,204 - Oh, she's never acted like a C-word. - Thanks, Dad. 47 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,247 So Mom and I act like C-words? 48 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,457 You'd be shocked. 49 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,292 - Wait. Just leave it there. - Mom! Mom? 50 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:53,210 - Okay. Okay. - Mom. 51 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,211 - Mom. - I'm still waiting. 52 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,129 - All right! - That's not fair. 53 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,256 Bert, why are we here? 54 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,593 Well, I wanted you guys to see the progress that I've made. 55 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:02,886 To see how far I've come. 56 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,056 Personal growth isn't something that you need to point out. 57 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:09,100 Progress is something that your family should be noticing on their own. 58 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,770 Bro, that's why they're here, to notice it. 59 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,105 Hey, if you're not on my team, shut the fuck up, okay? 60 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,274 Okay, no. Has Bert ever talked about his father? 61 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,567 - No. - This has absolutely 62 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,444 nothing to do with my father. 63 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,072 I had an incident with my daughter. 64 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,240 An incident. 65 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,409 That was caused by my lifestyle and my behavior. 66 00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,246 And I am taking actions to course-correct. 67 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,580 And you should know 68 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,625 that he sounds just like his father when he talks like that. 69 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:34,584 - Hold on. - Yes. 70 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,378 - My father doesn't understand me. - Same. 71 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:37,879 Not same. Not same. 72 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,631 My father's always correcting me. 73 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,258 - Same, same. - Not same, same! 74 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,718 Your relationship with me is totally different 75 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,136 than my relationship with Papa. 76 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,681 Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside? 77 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,808 Perfect. Come on, Tat. 78 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:51,810 Deuces. 79 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,731 - So you can see what's going on here? - Yeah. 80 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692 - You just saw that, right? - Yes. 81 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,281 Wait. You're talking about me? 82 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,448 Oh, yes. 83 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:06,741 Oh, fuck off. 84 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,869 Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off! 85 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,537 Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!" 86 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,081 - I said, "Fuck off." - You do not tell me "fuck off." 87 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,708 It's my therapy. I can say whatever I want, right? 88 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,960 - Actually, you can't. - No, like, you signed an oath! 89 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:21,923 Hey! I am going to allow the two of you to talk about his issues with his father. 90 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:23,550 Deuces, Bert. 91 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,891 You know the C-word's "cunt," right? 92 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:31,892 Okay. Here we go. 93 00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,310 Okay. One last push. 94 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,686 You can get it all in. 95 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,187 Get it all in. We got it. 96 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,480 It's gonna-- Getting it in! 97 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,024 15 minutes! 15... 98 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,817 Hey, babe! Look who's up! 99 00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,404 Babe, 96 workouts in a row, 100 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:46,823 and I still feel like I'm sweating out toxins. 101 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,159 - Still smells like your skin is pissing. - Two more. 102 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,536 One more. Nice. 103 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,164 Hey. 104 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:58,043 Do you think people are gonna think I'm on HGH? Feel that. 105 00:06:58,710 --> 00:06:59,544 Feel my tit. 106 00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,796 No, like full-handed. Full-handed. Grab it. 107 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,965 There you go. Nice. 108 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,383 I'm making smoothies. 109 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,594 Who wants smoothies? 110 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,555 Mom, can you please tell him 111 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:13,350 not to do anything embarrassing at my party today? 112 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,020 So that's how we're gonna start our morning? 113 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,314 I haven't done anything publicly embarrassing 114 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,066 in almost three months. 115 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,110 Okay. 116 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,196 But don't go overboard this time. 117 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,156 I just want it to be with my friends. 118 00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:29,115 What friends? 119 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,285 - So not cool. - Don't. 120 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,955 Are those nut sacks? 121 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,289 No. 122 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,458 It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper. 123 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,211 Oh, you don't think that's a little gross? 124 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:42,754 It's totally gross. 125 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,422 That's why Sasha and I love it. 126 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:45,882 If you think about it, 127 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,135 it's kind of like a metaphor for her exploding into womanhood. 128 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:54,307 What is wrong with this shirt? 129 00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,145 Supposed to be like this? 130 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,484 Hey, babe. 131 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,779 If I stand like this, does it look tucked in? 132 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,281 Don't wear that shirt. 133 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,325 All right. 134 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,911 What are these, my dad's shirts? 135 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,332 Can you please help me pick out a shirt? 136 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,127 Okay. 137 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,588 I think that this therapy is making everything worse. 138 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,008 I think you need to get back on-stage. 139 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:29,968 That's definitely not happening. 140 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,970 - Why? - Sit down. 141 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,141 Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor? 142 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,059 - No, I have not. - Okay. 143 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,020 Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy, 144 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:41,312 which is great at first. 145 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,398 But then his family starts hating him 146 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,483 and he starts hating himself. 147 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,362 Look. 148 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,368 I'm the Machine on-stage. 149 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,746 I'm also the Machine off-stage. 150 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,373 I got high and I got drunk, 151 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,125 and I almost got our daughter arrested. 152 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,668 I saw the look in her face. 153 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,504 I was helpless and I couldn't do anything, 154 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,465 and I wanted to kill myself. 155 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,260 I will never let that happen to our family again. 156 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,892 Well, fuck, now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor. 157 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,186 It's a pretty good movie. I wish you had watched it. 158 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,396 It's exactly what I'm going through right now. 159 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,150 Maybe for now, for today, we keep it simple. 160 00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,237 - I can do simple. - Yeah? 161 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,538 There she is. 162 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:41,873 There's my birthday girl. 163 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,209 Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party? 164 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:45,752 It's kind of big. 165 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,420 Kind of big and awesome, right? 166 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,006 Hey, Bert, does the DJ have any glitchcore? 167 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,132 Hey, Madison... 168 00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:55,678 I'll go check. 169 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,055 - Hey. Hey. - What's up? 170 00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,557 I thought you said you invited, like, ten people. 171 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,226 Oh, no. I invited a ton. 172 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:02,852 Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe. 173 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,063 And partying with six people is fucking depressing. 174 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,773 I even invited parents that hate me. 175 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,691 What's up, Madison's mom? 176 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,611 That guy's a bitch. He is such a... 177 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:14,322 - She's going through a divorce. Be nice. - Seriously? 178 00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:16,074 Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16. 179 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,326 - It's a big deal. - Yeah, for Sash. 180 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:20,620 I think Skeletor over there must be the DJ. 181 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,122 Can you tell him where to set up? 182 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:23,581 Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting. 183 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:26,209 You have any glitchcore? Wait, is that my boom box? 184 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:27,669 Yeah. 185 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,922 - Is that my auxiliary cord? - Yeah. 186 00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,715 Oh, do you want my phone? 187 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:34,676 Nah. 188 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,931 Fucking disgusting. 189 00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,558 Hey, don't do that around the kids. 190 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,769 Actually, you know what? Stay away from the kids. We got music! I think. 191 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,938 Gentlemen, what are you doing up here? Girls are in the pool. 192 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,106 They're talking about you. Jump in. 193 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,858 Take your shirts off. Don't piss in my pool. 194 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:52,443 - Yo, Machine. - Not today, brother. Not today. 195 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:55,530 Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ. Food's to the right, all right? 196 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,906 Hey, Kreischer, no booze? 197 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,825 Hey, Madison's mom, no husband? 198 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:00,869 Fucking bitch. 199 00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:05,957 Killing it, B-Man. Killing it. 200 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,129 Hey there. 201 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,093 Dad? 202 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,344 In the flesh. 203 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,769 I see you haven't given up trying to learn how to barbecue. 204 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,021 Good for you, son. 205 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,565 Wait, what are you doing here? 206 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,485 Well, I'm not gonna miss my grandkid's sweet 16. 207 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:35,945 It's a big day. 208 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,699 Right. Right. 209 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:42,160 Well... 210 00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,507 Not gonna flip ‘em yet, huh? 211 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,138 Might be... It's okay, it's okay. 212 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,514 Really? 213 00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:06,142 Well, I just don't want you to mess 'em up. 214 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,770 You know, then people will be disappointed. 215 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,146 You'll feel bad. 216 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,690 It'll be all that, "Huh, remember Bert's barbecue? 217 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,901 - Those burgers, yikes." - Goddamn it. 218 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,319 Oh, see? 219 00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,779 Did you add egg to the mix? 220 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:20,782 - Okay, Dad. - It binds. It moisturizes. 221 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,325 Makes a much better burger. 222 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:24,661 My dad showed up. 223 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,995 - From Florida? - Yeah. 224 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:29,374 And it took about two seconds before he started making me mental with the... 225 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,794 - Look at him! - Hey, Boo Bear! Hil! 226 00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,587 He's a monster. 227 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,091 Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ. 228 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,842 - Hey, hey, Dad? - Yesl! 229 00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:42,053 Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool. 230 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:42,971 What? 231 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:44,555 Wait, how? 232 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,725 You paid money to see my son take off his shirt 233 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:50,270 and tell his made-up story about robbing a train in Russia? 234 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,480 Dad, for the millionth time, it's a true story. 235 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,940 It's my job, okay? 236 00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:55,441 And you should get back on-stage. 237 00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,735 ‘Cause I've seen you only, like, five times. 238 00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,154 You paid to see him five times? 239 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:03,449 I'm just shocked that people would actually do that. 240 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:04,450 Dad. 241 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,286 You don't buy carpet five times. 242 00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:10,331 - Bye, Papa. - Oh, sweetheart. 243 00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,582 I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. 244 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:12,792 Oh, don't worry about that. 245 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:17,797 And you remember, you can call me anytime whenever you want to talk about... 246 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,007 Well, you know. 247 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,342 All right. Bye. 248 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,178 Wait, where are you going? Hold on. 249 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:26,014 - Bye, Bert. - Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop! 250 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,265 - What? - Where are you going? 251 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,434 Mads asked me to go to Big Bear for, like, three days. 252 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,228 You are not going anywhere. Hey, you're 16 years old. 253 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,315 You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot. 254 00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,608 I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay? 255 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,777 Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair. 256 00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,238 I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay? 257 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,408 Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go. 258 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,951 We wrap up this party, me and you, 259 00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:49,078 hang out tonight, we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper. 260 00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:52,040 I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad. 261 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:54,125 And I don't even know half of these people here. 262 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,460 What, are you kidding me? 263 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,046 You know-- What about this guy? You know this guy. 264 00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,297 - Ray Ray. - You know Ray Ray. 265 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,382 Dad, I said I wanted a small party, 266 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,843 and you promised that you wouldn't embarrass me. 267 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,179 I'm just trying to be a good dad. 268 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:07,263 See? 269 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,973 It's about you. 270 00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:11,934 - It's always about you! - What are you talking about? 271 00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,687 How did I make it about...? How did you flip that? 272 00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:16,147 Don't do that! Don't leave! 273 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,899 Don't you flip me off! 274 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,442 Don't you get in that car! 275 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,110 Don't get-- See? 276 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,905 This is the C-word behavior I was talking about in therapy! 277 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,282 I'm not saying it! I'm just pointing it out! 278 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,500 It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole! 279 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,585 Goddamn it. 280 00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:46,928 Son? 281 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,721 Not now, Dad. 282 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,058 We should... 283 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,310 You know... 284 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,855 if you're searching for a new path, 285 00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,734 there's always room for you at Kreischer Karpets. 286 00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,446 I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise. 287 00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:06,656 Just give me a minute. 288 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:08,616 Well... 289 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:13,079 I just wasn't sure, you know, how you're making money 290 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:17,166 if you're not doing the whole comedy thing anymore. 291 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,294 Hey, I'm a grown man. 292 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:21,462 I'll figure it out, okay? 293 00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,423 Yeah, all right, all right, you know. 294 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,299 Just trying to help. 295 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,051 Hold on right there. 296 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:29,762 No, you're not. You're never trying to help, Dad. 297 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:30,972 That's the point. 298 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:34,058 When I got in trouble, what did you say to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot." 299 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:37,228 My advice to you was don't do stupid things in public, 300 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,272 - especially with the children. - Oh, same thing! 301 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:40,690 Which is good advice. 302 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,608 And you and Sasha wouldn't be where you were 303 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,444 if you'd only listened to me. 304 00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:45,736 Oh, my God. 305 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:49,115 Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay? 306 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,783 Are you the Machine? 307 00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,410 Oh, shit. 308 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,080 Yeah, I am. And I can do a picture in a second. 309 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:59,208 I'm kind of having a private moment with my father, okay? 310 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,337 I'm here for the pocket watch 311 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:07,175 stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago 312 00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,885 by you. 313 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,012 Okay. 314 00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,514 I'm having a shitshow day. 315 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:16,934 So if this is some sort of TikTok prank, I'm about to lose my fucking shit. 316 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,938 It's definitely a prank. Clearly, that's a fake gun. 317 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:23,608 Or not! 318 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,651 - She's got a fucking gun, Dad! - Yeah, I'm clear on that now. 319 00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:27,195 - Sit down! - Yes, ma'am. 320 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:31,365 My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina. 321 00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:34,577 And I suggest you start remembering. 322 00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,288 It was 20 years ago. I barely remember that trip. 323 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,707 I don't have a watch, and it's definitely not here. 324 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:42,418 Then you're coming with me back to Russia to find it. 325 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:43,920 Russia? 326 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,005 Look at your daughter. 327 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,759 So innocent. 328 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,219 So pure. 329 00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:53,888 So vulnerable. 330 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:56,599 Do you see that man? 331 00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,684 DJ Chemo? 332 00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,645 He will follow her on her trip. 333 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,064 If you do not find my watch, 334 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:04,524 he kills her. 335 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,446 If you try to run, he Kills her. 336 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:15,243 You say a word about this to anyone... 337 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,287 he kills her. 338 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,872 Okay. Okay. 339 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,833 I'll do whatever you want. Just let my daughter go. 340 00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,462 Listen, I'll do whatever you want. 341 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,924 Just don't hurt my daughter. And let my father go, all right? 342 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,343 He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't even invited. 343 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:37,098 - I'm going with you. - Dad, you're not going with me. 344 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:40,101 I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you failed to protect Sasha. 345 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,895 - Dad, stop! You're not going! - He goes! 346 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:46,274 If you need persuading in Russia, 347 00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,858 he might be useful. 348 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:50,903 For torture. 349 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:52,738 The car is waiting. 350 00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,282 We leave now. 351 00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,203 Dad, put your fucking hands down. 352 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,206 Excuse me. Hey, Albert? 353 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,042 Hold, hold, hold, wait up. 354 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:08,254 Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet. I'm so sorry I haven't said hi. 355 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,672 - Hello. - Hello, dear. 356 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,757 There are so many people here. 357 00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,634 Hi. Oh, who is this? 358 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,971 This is our Uber driver, Sylvia. 359 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,222 Sylvia. 360 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,432 Hi. 361 00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:21,726 Hi. Your Uber driver? 362 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,893 Where are you going? 363 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:26,897 Oh, my God. 364 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:28,691 Yeah. I see what's going on. 365 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,693 You two are gonna follow Sasha to Big Bear. 366 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,778 - Yes, we are. - Exactly. Big Bear, yes. 367 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,447 Cool. Great. Well, you know what? 368 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,407 I'll just stay home, take care of everything, 369 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:40,953 and the two of you can just fuck off on your creepy, little, puritanical-- 370 00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,337 I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me. 371 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,421 Dad, let's go. 372 00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:52,423 Where...? 373 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,759 Good work, Kreischers. 374 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:59,430 This is my bodyguard, Sponge. 375 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,599 Sponge, like you absorb liquids? 376 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,517 Absorb bullets. 377 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,750 Two? You said one. 378 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,419 Still think I made the story up? 379 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,339 You cannot bring both. 380 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,757 Too many questions! 381 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,259 Oh, fuck! 382 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:41,889 Never tell me what I can do. Ever! 383 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:45,434 Move it. 384 00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:59,448 They said Machine had ice in veins. 385 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,784 Could walk through the walls. 386 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,662 Drink more than any man. 387 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,957 I grew up hearing this myth. 388 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,543 You. 389 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,590 You're fat. 390 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,552 And you have tits. 391 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,470 Very disturbing. 392 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,473 That's body-shaming. And honestly, I expect more empathy out of a woman. 393 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,975 Such a disappointment. 394 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,687 Like opening peanuts and joke snake pop out. 395 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,313 Enjoy your flight, Machine. 396 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,315 It will probably be your last. 397 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:14,106 All right. When we land, I'm gonna create a diversion. 398 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:16,400 What I want you to do is go to the embassy. 399 00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:17,318 Dad. 400 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,279 Now, these people really know what they're doing around the grill. 401 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:22,281 How can you eat at a time like this? 402 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:26,202 Son, I'm a small-business owner from a "stand your ground" state. 403 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:27,703 This is like a Tuesday for me. 404 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,456 Machina, the myth. 405 00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,333 Your turn, huh? 406 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,920 No, no. I wish I could. I just got a crown replaced. 407 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:37,880 Oh, Machina. 408 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,299 But I have an uneven jaw, and it took them forever to... 409 00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:41,967 - Hey, Bert. - What? 410 00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,970 You want to know why people respect Kreischer Karpets? 411 00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:47,181 Well, it's definitely not ‘cause you spelled "carpets" with a K. 412 00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,682 No, that's just good marketing. 413 00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:53,062 It's because we install anywhere. 414 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,980 We never show fear. 415 00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:57,024 We face it. 416 00:21:57,107 --> 00:22:01,695 So, Bert, don't show fear. 417 00:22:05,950 --> 00:22:07,868 You really shoehorned that message in. 418 00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:11,205 All right, Sponge, I guess I got next. 419 00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:14,834 Machina, 420 00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:18,504 all I have heard about you, and you have titty, huh? 421 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:21,757 You're such a large man. 422 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:24,718 You're so fucking big. 423 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,388 Let's hope this works. 424 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:33,894 I'm gonna show you what we in the States call "dad strength." 425 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,028 Funny! 426 00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:44,238 Now... 427 00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:46,824 my turn, huh? 428 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:07,636 Well, you showed fear. 429 00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:15,603 Son, I think this trip to Russia could give you some... direction. 430 00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,772 Look, I had this with me in Rome. 431 00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:20,608 Saved me more than a few times. 432 00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:22,443 You take care of it... 433 00:23:23,694 --> 00:23:25,154 it will take care of you. 434 00:23:27,865 --> 00:23:28,991 Your pocketknife? 435 00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:31,201 Ah, thanks, Dad. 436 00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:35,623 We hope our sons grow up to be the men we wish we could be, Bert. 437 00:23:36,707 --> 00:23:39,043 Maybe this trip can start you on that path. 438 00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:40,294 And also... 439 00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:44,381 if you lose that knife in Russia, 440 00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:47,593 I will disown you. 441 00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:49,595 Ah, funny story. 442 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:55,059 I did lose your knife in Russia. 443 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:56,560 Dad, I'm sorry. 444 00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:59,146 I knew you'd let me down. 445 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:01,607 You did? 446 00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:06,779 Got your manhood! 447 00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:08,948 Oh, you took my testicles! 448 00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:15,663 - Hey there. - While you were out, 449 00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:18,082 - your father and I got to know each other. - Wait. 450 00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:20,918 Also, we watched Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid. 451 00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:22,252 The ending? Wow. 452 00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:24,254 Dad, that's our movie. 453 00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:26,924 Bert, we have to find this watch. 454 00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:28,550 You stole it. What'd you do with it? 455 00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:31,595 Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest I've ever been in my life. 456 00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:33,764 I'm usually drunk when I tell the story. 457 00:24:34,682 --> 00:24:37,017 Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on. 458 00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:40,479 Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think. God. I'm not good with guns at my head. 459 00:24:43,649 --> 00:24:45,526 Fedor. What about Fedor? 460 00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:48,529 He was the gangster on the train. Everything we stole, we gave to him. 461 00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:50,823 Yeah, I talked to Fedor. 462 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:52,574 He doesn't remember the watch. 463 00:24:52,658 --> 00:24:54,034 So I killed him. 464 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,370 Jesus Christ. 465 00:24:58,163 --> 00:24:59,248 Igor. 466 00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:02,459 Which Igor? 467 00:25:02,543 --> 00:25:04,128 I know like 50 Igors. 468 00:25:04,211 --> 00:25:07,798 Igor was the mobster that took care of our class. 469 00:25:07,881 --> 00:25:09,508 He lived with us in the dorms. 470 00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:11,301 Maybe he still lives in the dorms. 471 00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:13,721 Fuck school. Let's party. 472 00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,101 Then this is where we go. 473 00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:27,943 Can't believe you watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Fuck. 474 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:46,253 Follow my lead. If we get a chance, we run. 475 00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:47,629 Is there a problem? 476 00:25:47,713 --> 00:25:51,258 Your documents indicate 11 passengers. 477 00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:52,509 But I count 12. 478 00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:55,512 I told you so. 479 00:25:57,264 --> 00:25:59,850 Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. 480 00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:00,934 Oh, my God. 481 00:26:02,436 --> 00:26:04,396 He's going down. He's going down. 482 00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:06,607 I count 11. 483 00:26:06,690 --> 00:26:07,691 Jeez Louise! 484 00:26:16,325 --> 00:26:17,409 Wait. 485 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,953 That's me. I'm the Machine. 486 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,789 Why am I on a billboard? 487 00:26:21,872 --> 00:26:24,041 Da. You famous. 488 00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:26,919 I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union. 489 00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:29,546 The Soviet Union is dead, you ignorant fuck! 490 00:26:30,464 --> 00:26:33,050 We're Russia. We're strong. 491 00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:34,051 We're here. 492 00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:38,472 They turned it into condos. 493 00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:41,725 Oh, hello there. 494 00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:46,021 Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando. Quit trying to work a threesome. 495 00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,689 Put it back in your pants. 496 00:26:47,773 --> 00:26:49,775 Well, that was rude. 497 00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:51,110 Move. 498 00:26:51,193 --> 00:26:52,945 Hey, here's where we took classes. 499 00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:55,531 This is where I met Igor. 500 00:26:59,118 --> 00:27:00,661 Twenty-three years ago. 501 00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:03,372 I should've taken more pictures of my dick. 502 00:27:24,226 --> 00:27:25,936 Okay, class, listen up. 503 00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:29,481 Do not expect an easy course load. 504 00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:30,899 It isn't a vacation. 505 00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:35,070 Your goal is to culturally bond with the indigenous citizens. 506 00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:39,658 This is Igor. He is a banditti. You will be taking courses... 507 00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:42,494 I actually don't speak much Russian. What is "banditti"? 508 00:27:42,578 --> 00:27:45,914 Oh, "banditti" is the Russian word for mobster. 509 00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:49,376 This is a class trip. How come we've never met? 510 00:27:49,459 --> 00:27:52,129 Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert. 511 00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:53,881 Oh, Ashley. 512 00:27:53,964 --> 00:27:56,049 But Russia is a dangerous place. 513 00:27:56,133 --> 00:27:57,718 Igor is our fixer. 514 00:27:57,801 --> 00:28:00,470 He is only here for your protection. 515 00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:02,598 He is very dangerous. 516 00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:09,813 You are not to talk to or hang out with him. 517 00:28:09,897 --> 00:28:12,024 All I want to do is hang out with him. 518 00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:15,235 I never know what to believe about what you say happened back then. 519 00:28:15,319 --> 00:28:18,155 You do have a very active imagination. 520 00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:19,823 I imagine. 521 00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:22,951 - That's my issue. - Well, one of them. 522 00:28:23,035 --> 00:28:26,079 My father and I have a similar relationship. 523 00:28:26,163 --> 00:28:27,372 What the fuck is this thing? 524 00:28:27,456 --> 00:28:28,665 Is it an iPad? 525 00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:30,792 I got this, son. 526 00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:32,961 I am an Eagle Scout. 527 00:28:34,213 --> 00:28:35,631 What is an Eagle Scout? 528 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,341 It's like if James Bond was a Mormon. 529 00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:39,593 An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere. 530 00:28:39,676 --> 00:28:41,845 You'd know that if you'd become an Eagle Scout. 531 00:28:41,929 --> 00:28:43,472 But no... 532 00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:49,353 My fist is Eagle Scout. 533 00:28:51,188 --> 00:28:52,522 I'll wait in the car. 534 00:28:54,024 --> 00:28:55,943 He has impulse-control issue. 535 00:28:56,026 --> 00:28:56,860 Very sad. 536 00:28:56,944 --> 00:28:58,445 Yeah. Steroids will do that to you. 537 00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,490 They really dressed this place up. 538 00:29:02,491 --> 00:29:04,785 Still have the world's smallest elevator. 539 00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:12,751 Tell Vanya they are here. 540 00:29:15,128 --> 00:29:16,713 Holy shit. 541 00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:20,300 There was a woman that sat right there. 542 00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:22,970 She absolutely loved me. 543 00:29:23,053 --> 00:29:25,597 lgor's room was all the way down to the right. 544 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:28,517 I took a shit on a pizza box right there. 545 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,435 Jesus, son. 546 00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:32,437 Eh, it got mixed reviews. 547 00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:36,358 Honestly, if I hadn't sprained that finger, 548 00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:38,151 probably would've made it to the league. 549 00:29:38,235 --> 00:29:40,320 But, you know, I wasn't about to lose a thumb war 550 00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:42,155 to a 12-year-old, you know? 551 00:29:42,656 --> 00:29:44,032 Here you go, dabushka. 552 00:29:44,116 --> 00:29:46,034 Gifts from your American friend. 553 00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,414 Gifts are a very important aspect of Russian life, Ash. 554 00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:51,832 Bet you didn't know that. 555 00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:54,501 Bet you didn't know your fly was down. 556 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,964 Why are you telling us this? 557 00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:00,048 Sorry. 558 00:30:00,132 --> 00:30:01,758 Lot of memories being back here. 559 00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,682 Whoa, you live right across from Igor and the banditti? 560 00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:11,059 Do you ever hear, like, screams coming from their room? 561 00:30:11,143 --> 00:30:12,185 No, not really. 562 00:30:13,270 --> 00:30:14,271 Look at them. 563 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:16,565 They're magnificent. 564 00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:19,109 How do I talk to them? How do I say my name? 565 00:30:22,362 --> 00:30:24,156 I planned the perfect sentence. 566 00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:29,286 But the second I was face-to-face with a real Russian gangster, 567 00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:30,495 I panicked. 568 00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:32,497 Ya machina. 569 00:30:38,628 --> 00:30:40,130 Ya machina. 570 00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:42,758 "Muchina" means badass. 571 00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:44,718 "Machina" means machine. 572 00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:46,428 I said I was the Machine. 573 00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:47,971 You're an idiot. 574 00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:50,682 Ya machina. 575 00:30:52,142 --> 00:30:53,143 Luckily... 576 00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:55,520 they thought it was hilarious. 577 00:30:55,604 --> 00:30:57,189 On machina! 578 00:30:58,648 --> 00:31:01,485 They introduced me to their world, and I introduced them to mine. 579 00:31:01,568 --> 00:31:04,112 Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar. 580 00:31:04,196 --> 00:31:06,656 - These are called lemon drops. - They're called lemon drops. 581 00:31:06,740 --> 00:31:10,994 Okay, they're from Florida, and they're fucking delicious! 582 00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:13,997 The Machine is powered by lemons! 583 00:31:14,081 --> 00:31:17,209 And the legend of the Machine was born. 584 00:31:21,505 --> 00:31:22,881 All right, all right, all right. 585 00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:26,259 This next one's a little thing I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head. 586 00:31:28,095 --> 00:31:29,471 His head is a butt! 587 00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:32,140 They had no frame of reference for American culture. 588 00:31:32,224 --> 00:31:34,935 Do I make you horny? 589 00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:37,187 Austin Powers? Really? 590 00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:38,313 Shut up, Dad. 591 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:41,942 So I stole from the best, and they thought it was me. 592 00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:46,780 To them, I was just some crazy genius who could out-drink ‘em all. 593 00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,366 I'm the Machine! 594 00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:57,290 I call this the "Macarena." 595 00:31:59,835 --> 00:32:01,128 Word spread fast. 596 00:32:01,211 --> 00:32:04,131 And the legend of the Machine just kept growing. 597 00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:11,054 Everyone in Russia heard the stories. 598 00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:13,140 You were folklore. 599 00:32:13,223 --> 00:32:14,933 I was good for Igor's business. 600 00:32:15,016 --> 00:32:16,435 People paid him to party with me. 601 00:32:16,518 --> 00:32:17,894 Wait! The stash hole! 602 00:32:18,562 --> 00:32:21,231 Ilgor's room has a stash hole in it, in the wall. 603 00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:23,817 And what does he keep in this hole? 604 00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:25,152 Beanie Babies. 605 00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:27,737 Come on. Drugs, money and porn. You're in the mob. 606 00:32:27,821 --> 00:32:30,532 But maybe there's something in there that can tell us how to find him. 607 00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:31,950 It's this one right here. 608 00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:35,120 I hope so, for your daughter's sake. 609 00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:40,292 Oil 610 00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:44,629 - That's feminism. You asked for it. - Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy! 611 00:32:44,713 --> 00:32:46,840 Well, I see wokeness hasn't made its way to Russia. 612 00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:05,233 - The hole? - Yeah, right. 613 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:06,902 All right. 614 00:33:07,569 --> 00:33:09,863 That wall used to go all the way down. 615 00:33:10,489 --> 00:33:11,865 If I'm not mistaken... 616 00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:17,412 Bingo. 617 00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:24,461 No watch. 618 00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:26,213 This is something way better. 619 00:33:26,296 --> 00:33:27,881 One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad. 620 00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:30,133 These things were gold back in the day. 621 00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:33,845 Why would anyone keep 20-year-old marijuana brownies? 622 00:33:33,929 --> 00:33:37,224 Ashley's pot brownies are the best thing I've ever tasted. 623 00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:39,559 They're mad strong, though, so only eat a little. 624 00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:42,562 Don't fuck. 625 00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:46,233 You're fucking with me, man. 626 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,443 Go fuck yourself. 627 00:33:50,403 --> 00:33:52,155 Hey, how'd you become a banditti? 628 00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:54,449 One day, 629 00:33:55,951 --> 00:33:57,202 man told me, 630 00:33:57,285 --> 00:34:00,539 "Igor, help me with this thing." 631 00:34:02,499 --> 00:34:03,625 Thing was mafia. 632 00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:06,086 ‘Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry, and everybody knows 633 00:34:06,169 --> 00:34:08,421 marijuana goes bad after time. It's like the reverse of pickles. 634 00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:11,258 So no Igor, no watch. 635 00:34:11,341 --> 00:34:14,219 Just old money and pickle weed. 636 00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,930 This is not good for you, Bert. 637 00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,348 Fuck you. 638 00:34:19,599 --> 00:34:20,767 Vanya. 639 00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:22,561 It's not good for you either. 640 00:34:24,813 --> 00:34:27,315 What are you doing here? 641 00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:30,527 He is Machina? 642 00:34:30,610 --> 00:34:31,653 The man's man? 643 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,196 Nah. 644 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,116 He has... breasts. 645 00:34:42,872 --> 00:34:45,166 Your friend, Igor, 646 00:34:45,959 --> 00:34:48,545 he took over the trains to Moscow. 647 00:34:49,129 --> 00:34:51,506 And now I know where to find the watch. 648 00:34:51,590 --> 00:34:53,383 How do you know Igor runs trains? 649 00:34:53,466 --> 00:34:54,593 Because... 650 00:34:55,552 --> 00:34:56,970 I am respected. 651 00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:02,601 I make it my job to know these things. 652 00:35:02,684 --> 00:35:03,685 You? 653 00:35:06,271 --> 00:35:07,814 You are foolish woman. 654 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:10,358 Playing pretend. 655 00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:18,825 I do not play. 656 00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:28,752 Holy cow! 657 00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:34,049 You're an insolent child, Vanya. 658 00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:37,385 Now you come with me on train or you go out window. 659 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:41,097 - All right, let's go, Dad. Come on. - Yeah, let's go. Let's go. 660 00:35:42,307 --> 00:35:43,308 See you around. 661 00:35:46,603 --> 00:35:47,937 Put your hands down. 662 00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:52,692 Well, this is wonderful. 663 00:35:52,776 --> 00:35:54,694 We're about to be killed by gangsters. 664 00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:56,905 And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies. 665 00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:59,824 You say shit like that and you wonder why we haven't visited in three years. 666 00:35:59,908 --> 00:36:01,034 - So now it's my fault? - Yeah. 667 00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:02,911 I don't want to be around that shit, and neither do my Kids. 668 00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:04,954 Your kids are great. Don't bring them into this. 669 00:36:05,038 --> 00:36:07,832 Oh, I know they're great, Dad. They're my Kids. 670 00:36:07,916 --> 00:36:11,252 You know, your problem is you live this life where you get rewarded 671 00:36:11,336 --> 00:36:14,297 for indulging in your worst tendencies. 672 00:36:26,768 --> 00:36:28,269 Let's hope that was an adjustment. 673 00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:31,064 Meet you downstairs. 674 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,588 Well, we should be safe in here. 675 00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:15,358 I got you, son! 676 00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:16,818 No, I got you! I'm covering you! 677 00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,570 - Everything's under control! - No! 678 00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:45,346 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 679 00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,556 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 680 00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:03,615 Lift! 681 00:38:03,698 --> 00:38:05,492 - No! No, no! Close, close! - Close the door! 682 00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:06,743 Shoot back, idiots! 683 00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:15,627 I will present the boss with your head, Machina! 684 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:16,711 Dad. 685 00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:18,880 I can't use that. 686 00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:21,466 After I read Mandela's biography, 687 00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:24,928 I made a vow of nonviolence. 688 00:38:25,011 --> 00:38:26,471 You are dead! 689 00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:27,680 Dead! 690 00:38:27,764 --> 00:38:29,891 Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. 691 00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,461 Let's go, dickheads! 692 00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:06,761 Goddamn it. Let go. 693 00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,930 No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me! 694 00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:11,140 - Get in the car, son. - I'm trying, Dad! 695 00:39:25,530 --> 00:39:26,698 Sponge! 696 00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,075 What happened to the fucking car? 697 00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,035 So bad. This is not going away. 698 00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:32,370 We need to get on that train! 699 00:39:33,162 --> 00:39:34,581 I'm gonna meet the devil. 700 00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:36,249 I'm going to fucking hell. 701 00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:37,750 - Oh, shit. - I'm at my lake house. 702 00:39:37,834 --> 00:39:39,586 - Goddamn it. - The fish are jumping. 703 00:39:39,669 --> 00:39:43,423 - I'm having mac and cheese for dinner. - Are you doing breathing exercises? 704 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,550 You can't do breathing exercises for murder, Dad. 705 00:39:45,633 --> 00:39:46,926 I killed a man. 706 00:39:47,010 --> 00:39:49,804 Well, technically, you killed several men. 707 00:39:49,888 --> 00:39:51,431 Oh, God! You're not helping! 708 00:39:51,514 --> 00:39:52,891 - Hey. - What? 709 00:39:53,975 --> 00:39:55,101 It happens. 710 00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:57,103 I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes. 711 00:39:57,186 --> 00:40:00,023 No, it doesn't happen. A speeding ticket, that happens. 712 00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:02,734 Shitting your pants at Best Buy, that happens. 713 00:40:03,526 --> 00:40:05,737 My brother Vanya was an asshole. 714 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:09,198 Brother? Like your real brother? 715 00:40:09,282 --> 00:40:11,242 Like your mom and dad are the same mom and dad? 716 00:40:11,326 --> 00:40:12,410 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 717 00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:14,579 - I didn't know he was your brother. - Don't be. 718 00:40:14,662 --> 00:40:16,664 There is a power struggle in the mob. 719 00:40:16,748 --> 00:40:19,375 As oldest, I will inherit my father's empire, 720 00:40:19,459 --> 00:40:21,419 but Vanya wants control. 721 00:40:21,502 --> 00:40:22,962 Wanted control. 722 00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:26,090 - He's dead. - Oh, my God. 723 00:40:26,174 --> 00:40:27,800 I'm still getting used to it. 724 00:40:27,884 --> 00:40:31,596 What the fuck is happening? Get me the fuck out of here. 725 00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:34,015 Many others also want control. 726 00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:35,975 They say I cannot run mob because I'm woman. 727 00:40:36,059 --> 00:40:37,101 This isn't happening. 728 00:40:37,185 --> 00:40:38,019 Boss. 729 00:40:40,772 --> 00:40:41,773 Dad. 730 00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:45,735 Give me some life advice, some words of wisdom. 731 00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:49,072 Everybody's got to die sometime. 732 00:40:49,739 --> 00:40:50,740 That's it? 733 00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:52,617 That's your advice? 734 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:54,911 Well, what do you want me to say? 735 00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:57,497 That vulnerability is scary and it's hard to open up? 736 00:40:57,580 --> 00:40:59,832 Yeah, Dad. That would've been great. 737 00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:01,084 Son. 738 00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:03,753 It was your mother that was the coddler, not me. 739 00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:12,136 Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch. 740 00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:25,566 Igor. Igor. 741 00:41:26,985 --> 00:41:28,152 I'm coming. I'm coming. 742 00:41:33,032 --> 00:41:33,866 Hey. 743 00:41:37,745 --> 00:41:40,289 My brother would have shot me if he had a chance. 744 00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:45,253 Thank you for making his death very fast. 745 00:41:46,963 --> 00:41:49,090 Well, then, can I real quick call my daughter, 746 00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:50,967 just to make sure she's okay? 747 00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:52,010 Don't push it. 748 00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,611 Now, this is the kind of Russian architecture I wanted to see. 749 00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:12,572 We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad. 750 00:42:13,906 --> 00:42:16,117 Hey, Irina, I think this is gonna be great. 751 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,995 We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch, and then you can let us go, right? 752 00:42:19,704 --> 00:42:20,997 Holy cow. 753 00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,124 This place hasn't changed a bit. 754 00:42:26,169 --> 00:42:27,003 Right there. 755 00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:29,338 That's where Igor introduced me to the train banditti. 756 00:42:30,048 --> 00:42:32,592 I cannot go on your student trip to Moscow. 757 00:42:32,675 --> 00:42:33,551 - What? - Yeah. 758 00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:35,762 Different mafia runs train. 759 00:42:35,845 --> 00:42:37,472 Igor, what am I supposed to do here? 760 00:42:38,514 --> 00:42:39,932 What you always do. 761 00:42:40,475 --> 00:42:41,934 This is Machine! 762 00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:46,022 If you give Machine vodka, you have great time. 763 00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:49,358 Come on, show them your character. 764 00:42:49,442 --> 00:42:51,277 British horny man. Come on. 765 00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:55,531 Do I make you horny, baby? 766 00:42:58,034 --> 00:43:00,912 - Do I make you randy? Yeah. - It's classic. 767 00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:03,664 You really like Austin Powers. 768 00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:06,334 Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s. Give me a break, okay? 769 00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:07,710 I get it. 770 00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:10,379 I get why they liked you. 771 00:43:10,463 --> 00:43:11,506 Wow, thanks, Dad. 772 00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:14,926 Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted and progressive to them. 773 00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,512 Yeah, well, your compliment sounds a little bit like a slam. 774 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,723 - Quiet, fucked-up father-son. - Boss. 775 00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:24,727 This is the Moscow line. 776 00:43:25,645 --> 00:43:28,898 If Igor runs trains, this is where he will be. 777 00:43:29,649 --> 00:43:31,359 Be careful. 778 00:43:31,442 --> 00:43:33,236 Train mob is very dangerous. 779 00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:35,071 Don't worry. Igor's my boy. 780 00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:36,656 If he's here, we're all set. 781 00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:39,158 Yes, but he knows you. 782 00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:40,535 They don't. 783 00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:43,579 They look like they're cosplaying American History X. 784 00:43:43,663 --> 00:43:45,456 Let's go down further. 785 00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:46,833 Less eyes. 786 00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:02,348 Hello. 787 00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:05,101 You cannot park there. 788 00:44:10,022 --> 00:44:11,732 Bring me to Igor. 789 00:44:11,816 --> 00:44:13,359 Yes, sir. 790 00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,573 Doesn't that sound mean the train's departing? 791 00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,825 - Get on! - Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing? 792 00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:23,244 We stay on train till we find Igor. 793 00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:26,247 Get the plane, meet me in Moscow with the rest of the men. 794 00:44:27,540 --> 00:44:30,376 I cannot believe I'm doing this Moscow trip over again. 795 00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:31,836 Move. 796 00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:34,630 This train smells exactly like it did in '98. 797 00:44:38,801 --> 00:44:40,928 It smells like cabbage and grandmas. 798 00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:44,599 So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow! 799 00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:45,725 Oh, sorry. 800 00:44:48,978 --> 00:44:51,647 Why does everyone here look like they want to punch me in the face? 801 00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:53,524 It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert. 802 00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:55,067 You save it for the people you love. 803 00:44:55,902 --> 00:44:56,903 Do you? 804 00:44:57,570 --> 00:44:59,530 - Really? - What even is that? 805 00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:02,617 So you want to stay up all night in the bar car or...? 806 00:45:02,700 --> 00:45:06,162 I don't know how you can drink so much and never gain any weight. 807 00:45:06,245 --> 00:45:08,122 I just have really great genes. 808 00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:13,419 Do you maybe want to hang in my cabin instead? 809 00:45:14,378 --> 00:45:15,463 I did. 810 00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:17,340 I definitely did. 811 00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:20,968 Fucking idiot. Fuck. 812 00:45:21,761 --> 00:45:23,971 Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife. 813 00:45:29,477 --> 00:45:31,520 Ash. Hey. 814 00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:41,322 Yeah. 815 00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:43,366 Fucking ow. 816 00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:49,330 Way too much. 817 00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:52,291 Yeah. 818 00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:04,095 - Hey. - Hey, what are you doing? 819 00:46:04,762 --> 00:46:05,888 Not much. 820 00:46:05,972 --> 00:46:07,848 I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there. 821 00:46:08,557 --> 00:46:10,601 So you still want to hang out? It's cool if not. 822 00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:13,104 You know, I'm a big fan of romantic buildup. 823 00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:14,063 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 824 00:46:14,146 --> 00:46:16,691 Like, I don't even think Ross and Rachel should be together yet. 825 00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:17,608 No way. Me neither. 826 00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:19,694 - Right? Save that for the millennium. - Yeah. 827 00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,445 - I kind of think we should... - You. 828 00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:25,074 Hey. 829 00:46:26,909 --> 00:46:29,036 You are one they call Machine? 830 00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:32,623 Yeah, that's me. 831 00:46:37,128 --> 00:46:39,213 Fedor was the boss of the train banditti. 832 00:46:39,297 --> 00:46:41,048 He smelled like nicotine patches 833 00:46:41,132 --> 00:46:43,843 and looked at me the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds. 834 00:46:43,926 --> 00:46:45,803 It was horrible. 835 00:46:45,886 --> 00:46:49,140 Machine does not ride with the peasants. Come, come. 836 00:46:51,851 --> 00:46:55,521 Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out with these scary dudes for a little bit, 837 00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:57,898 and then [I'll be right back, okay? I'll check back in. 838 00:46:57,982 --> 00:47:00,067 FYI, I'm a good bed sharer. 839 00:47:00,151 --> 00:47:02,278 Okay? Fun to cuddle with, no night farts... 840 00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:05,781 You left that girl, So you could hang out with a criminal? 841 00:47:05,865 --> 00:47:08,451 He's right. She was a sure thing. 842 00:47:08,534 --> 00:47:11,829 Yeah, well, I've never been good with sure things. 843 00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,873 But Fedor took me to the bar car. 844 00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:17,668 This place had booze, drugs, and here's the real gangster part. 845 00:47:17,752 --> 00:47:20,004 This is the Machine. 846 00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:23,382 They knew who I was. 847 00:47:24,300 --> 00:47:26,052 They like you, huh? 848 00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:29,597 I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor. 849 00:47:32,433 --> 00:47:35,102 I guess nobody parties in the bar car anymore. 850 00:47:35,186 --> 00:47:36,812 Especially Igor. 851 00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:41,233 You know, 23-year-old me loved this place. 852 00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:43,110 Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom. 853 00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:47,406 I think your therapist would call that "growth people notice." 854 00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:50,242 Wait. 855 00:47:51,369 --> 00:47:52,995 Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy? 856 00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:56,332 Well... 857 00:47:57,249 --> 00:47:59,585 when she called to invite me to the party, 858 00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:01,754 she opened up about what you're going through. 859 00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:05,007 After Sasha's arrest, we were both worried you'd... 860 00:48:05,508 --> 00:48:07,009 well, you know, mess up again. 861 00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:08,886 Motherfucker! 862 00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:10,262 Does no one trust me? 863 00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:12,765 Or am I the guy that's only gonna mess up again? 864 00:48:12,848 --> 00:48:14,600 - You're making a scene. - A scene? 865 00:48:14,683 --> 00:48:17,561 I pay my bills by making a scene! 866 00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:20,022 I rip my shirt off and yell, "I'm the Machine!" 867 00:48:20,106 --> 00:48:21,107 Hey! 868 00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,610 Who says, "I am Machine"? 869 00:48:26,237 --> 00:48:27,238 You? 870 00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:30,616 They say Machine can walk through walls. 871 00:48:31,492 --> 00:48:33,327 Only a ghost can do that. 872 00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:35,329 You... 873 00:48:36,122 --> 00:48:37,123 you are not Machine. 874 00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:41,961 You want to see the fucking Machine? 875 00:48:42,044 --> 00:48:44,046 They want to see the Machine. You're getting the fucking Machine. 876 00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:45,047 Hey, where you going? 877 00:48:45,131 --> 00:48:47,258 First up, I don't normally do this for free. 878 00:48:47,341 --> 00:48:49,051 Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads. 879 00:48:49,135 --> 00:48:51,053 Matching Nazi dickheads. 880 00:48:51,137 --> 00:48:53,347 And third, you say it three times and he shows up. 881 00:48:53,431 --> 00:48:54,640 It's a lot like Candyman. 882 00:48:55,224 --> 00:48:56,767 You've already said it twice. 883 00:48:58,269 --> 00:48:59,270 That's me. 884 00:49:00,062 --> 00:49:03,399 That's me on this bottle of vodka that says "The Machine." 885 00:49:03,482 --> 00:49:05,568 - What are you doing? - Dad, sit down! 886 00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,697 I think we need to call the boss. 887 00:49:11,991 --> 00:49:13,701 - Igor. - lgor? 888 00:49:14,076 --> 00:49:15,953 This guy says he's the Machine. 889 00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:18,372 Igor, it's your boy Bert. 890 00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:20,916 You better have my watch, bitch. Finish it up. 891 00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:24,462 He looks like the cartoon on the vodka bottle. 892 00:49:24,837 --> 00:49:28,215 Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties. 893 00:49:29,133 --> 00:49:33,012 Someone is with him. Volgovitch's daughter. 894 00:49:34,513 --> 00:49:36,599 Go to VIP car. 895 00:49:41,353 --> 00:49:42,480 Igor want to see you. 896 00:49:42,563 --> 00:49:44,815 He will come to the bar car soon. 897 00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:52,990 But before that, it would be an honor to party with you... 898 00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:54,825 Machine. 899 00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,706 Strasvutsia, bitches. 900 00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:02,249 Let's do it. 901 00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:08,923 You do drink like Russian. 902 00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:14,970 - Alcohol is the universal language. - Yes. 903 00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:17,139 We're all drunk on the inside. 904 00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:23,395 So when do we meet the real Machine, huh? 905 00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:25,856 All right, listen up. 906 00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:28,359 I did it all for the nookie 907 00:50:28,442 --> 00:50:29,276 Come on 908 00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,402 - The nookie - Come on 909 00:50:30,486 --> 00:50:31,820 So you can take that cookie 910 00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:34,990 And stick it up your asshole Stick it up your asshole 911 00:50:35,074 --> 00:50:36,367 Stick it up your asshole... 912 00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:39,119 Hey! Hey, excuse me! 913 00:50:39,203 --> 00:50:41,038 Yo, teach. Hey, check it out. 914 00:50:41,121 --> 00:50:43,874 I'm culturally bonding with the indigenous citizens. 915 00:50:43,958 --> 00:50:47,878 Get your ass back to your cabin now! 916 00:50:48,796 --> 00:50:50,422 I did it all for the nookie 917 00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:52,258 - Come on - The nookie 918 00:50:52,341 --> 00:50:54,134 - Come on - So you can take that cookie... 919 00:50:56,262 --> 00:50:58,389 Fuck that bitch! 920 00:50:58,472 --> 00:50:59,890 This is... 921 00:50:59,974 --> 00:51:02,268 Russia! 922 00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:05,354 Dad, you said I had to go to Russia to find myself. 923 00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,480 Well, I did. 924 00:51:06,564 --> 00:51:09,275 I'm king of the world! 925 00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:12,027 That's how I felt. 926 00:51:12,111 --> 00:51:13,612 I was king of the world. 927 00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,155 Titanic? 928 00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:16,323 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 929 00:51:16,407 --> 00:51:18,701 I was stealing wholesale from A-list movies, 930 00:51:18,784 --> 00:51:19,910 but it worked. 931 00:51:19,994 --> 00:51:21,537 Let me tell you something. 932 00:51:21,620 --> 00:51:25,457 Entertaining criminals and sex workers was amazing. 933 00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:27,960 Maybe that's why I do so well in Florida, huh? 934 00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:29,962 They don't even get it. 935 00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:34,008 Tell us more stories, Machine. 936 00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:36,051 The bar car was a blast. 937 00:51:36,135 --> 00:51:38,387 But it's also where shit got real. 938 00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:40,180 What do you want, Fedor? 939 00:51:41,724 --> 00:51:43,976 Bread. Okay, cool. Wait. 940 00:51:44,852 --> 00:51:46,645 - I knew you said "bread." - Yes. 941 00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:48,522 I'm picking up the language. Give me another one, come on. 942 00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:50,858 Cheese. 943 00:51:50,941 --> 00:51:52,610 I'm basically fluent. 944 00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:57,823 Money. Got it. 945 00:51:57,906 --> 00:51:59,241 Cool. 946 00:52:00,367 --> 00:52:02,453 Oh, no, are we robbing this guy? 947 00:52:03,370 --> 00:52:04,538 Yeah, I don't... 948 00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:06,498 I don't really want to rob anyone. 949 00:52:06,582 --> 00:52:08,334 Yes, you do. 950 00:52:10,336 --> 00:52:12,379 Do it. Pussy. 951 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:17,885 First him, then train. 952 00:52:17,968 --> 00:52:19,678 So that's what we did. 953 00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:21,055 - We robbed the train. - Yeah. 954 00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:28,270 I was terrified. 955 00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:31,106 They were practically giddy. 956 00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:40,616 Let's go. 957 00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,535 Fedor kept feeding me booze. 958 00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:47,247 Now you drink vodka. 959 00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:50,334 Let's go. Drink. 960 00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:52,544 That's it. 961 00:52:55,172 --> 00:52:57,716 I was completely out of control. 962 00:52:57,800 --> 00:53:00,469 I mean, the rush of it. Turned into a thrill. 963 00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:01,595 This is my room. 964 00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:05,933 I was robbing the train with the Russian mafia. 965 00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:07,559 And I wasn't dying. 966 00:53:07,643 --> 00:53:10,437 That's all my-- That's all my stuff. 967 00:53:10,521 --> 00:53:12,773 Wait, wait, wait. You're actually taking my stuff? 968 00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:16,985 Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my dad's knife. 969 00:53:17,069 --> 00:53:18,487 You can't take that. 970 00:53:18,570 --> 00:53:19,947 No, no, no. 971 00:53:20,030 --> 00:53:22,908 You can take the other stuff. But the knife? 972 00:53:23,450 --> 00:53:25,035 - That's my dad's. - Really? 973 00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:26,453 No go. 974 00:53:26,537 --> 00:53:28,580 I can't take, huh? 975 00:53:29,581 --> 00:53:30,958 I'm sorry, Dad. 976 00:53:32,084 --> 00:53:33,252 I let him steal it. 977 00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:34,670 It's all yours. 978 00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:41,260 Machine. 979 00:53:43,429 --> 00:53:45,097 I would've cut out his heart 980 00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:48,058 and make him watch it stop beating with his last breath. 981 00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:51,603 I guess we're just built different. 982 00:53:51,687 --> 00:53:52,688 The watch. 983 00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:55,899 Once I got really drunk... 984 00:53:57,901 --> 00:53:59,278 I robbed my class. 985 00:54:00,404 --> 00:54:01,864 I robbed my whole class. 986 00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:04,366 What the hell? Get out. 987 00:54:06,702 --> 00:54:09,455 Fuck that bitch. This is Russia. 988 00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:15,377 Ash. 989 00:54:15,461 --> 00:54:16,503 I'm... 990 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:19,882 Woman hit man? 991 00:54:19,965 --> 00:54:21,592 That is new. 992 00:54:22,176 --> 00:54:25,971 I felt like a complete and total piece of shit. 993 00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:30,267 Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring. 994 00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:31,977 Let's go. 995 00:54:35,856 --> 00:54:38,192 - Okay? - That's it. 996 00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:39,568 - Good boy. - Okay. 997 00:54:44,490 --> 00:54:45,824 I'll get it back. 998 00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:47,493 I promise. 999 00:54:49,161 --> 00:54:50,204 I'm sorry, Ash. 1000 00:54:50,746 --> 00:54:51,663 Yeah, fuck you. 1001 00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:56,251 Machine is the man. 1002 00:54:56,335 --> 00:54:57,753 Hey. Machine. 1003 00:54:58,462 --> 00:55:00,339 Igor need us in front of train. 1004 00:55:00,422 --> 00:55:02,341 You wait here. We come back with him. 1005 00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:03,509 Machine! 1006 00:55:04,343 --> 00:55:07,638 Enough of this pussy shit! 1007 00:55:08,430 --> 00:55:10,766 Do you talk about that part with...? 1008 00:55:11,809 --> 00:55:13,811 With Ashley when you do your show? 1009 00:55:13,894 --> 00:55:15,229 Obviously not, Dad. 1010 00:55:18,482 --> 00:55:20,317 But I think about it sometimes. 1011 00:55:20,901 --> 00:55:23,904 I think I liked that story better when I thought it was a lie. 1012 00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:33,121 And then what? Story of you being stupid idiot asshole is sad, 1013 00:55:33,205 --> 00:55:36,542 but you need to remember my watch. 1014 00:55:48,846 --> 00:55:50,055 I remember. 1015 00:55:50,556 --> 00:55:52,808 There was one last private cabin. 1016 00:55:57,145 --> 00:55:57,980 Please don't. 1017 00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,483 It's a family heirloom. 1018 00:56:01,567 --> 00:56:03,694 Fuck your heirloom. 1019 00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:05,445 Do it. 1020 00:56:07,990 --> 00:56:08,991 Sorry. 1021 00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:39,563 That was the watch. 1022 00:56:42,649 --> 00:56:44,443 My father was no criminal. 1023 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:47,696 He was a salesman. 1024 00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:52,826 And then you stole the only thing he ever cared about. 1025 00:56:53,702 --> 00:56:56,246 He called police, but no one would help him. 1026 00:56:56,955 --> 00:56:59,374 It made him say, "Fuck honest living! 1027 00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:02,294 If you want respect, you have to take it." 1028 00:57:03,378 --> 00:57:06,965 And from there, he built our family. 1029 00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:12,304 Oh, my God. 1030 00:57:13,597 --> 00:57:15,557 I'm your origin story. 1031 00:57:16,224 --> 00:57:18,018 Most people see themselves as Batman... 1032 00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:21,647 not the guy who killed Batman's parents. 1033 00:57:21,730 --> 00:57:24,274 What did you do with the watch after that? 1034 00:57:24,358 --> 00:57:26,401 We went back to the bar car. 1035 00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:28,820 Fedor went through all the stuff that we stole. 1036 00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:39,831 I hate this song. 1037 00:57:42,376 --> 00:57:44,461 Listen, in Russia, 1038 00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:49,466 we always give gifts to a new friend. 1039 00:57:50,092 --> 00:57:51,343 Take, Machine. 1040 00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:54,930 He gave you the watch? 1041 00:57:56,098 --> 00:57:59,017 - Where is it, Bert? I need to know. - I don't know. 1042 00:57:59,101 --> 00:58:00,060 Machine. 1043 00:58:01,395 --> 00:58:03,021 Igor is here. 1044 00:58:05,023 --> 00:58:09,236 Igor, I present to you the Machine. 1045 00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:17,202 Your friend has aged even worse than you. 1046 00:58:18,412 --> 00:58:20,539 My men say: 1047 00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:25,627 "Come to meet famous Machine from a vodka bottle." 1048 00:58:25,711 --> 00:58:27,379 I say, "Why not? 1049 00:58:27,462 --> 00:58:28,922 You can take selfie." 1050 00:58:30,257 --> 00:58:32,050 But you're not famous. 1051 00:58:34,553 --> 00:58:36,263 You have tits. 1052 00:58:37,305 --> 00:58:38,849 Yeah, we've established that. 1053 00:58:38,932 --> 00:58:41,309 I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor. 1054 00:58:41,393 --> 00:58:42,602 Who are you? 1055 00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:45,439 I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor. 1056 00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:48,984 I took train from him, make him disappear. 1057 00:58:50,235 --> 00:58:51,403 My train now. 1058 00:58:52,029 --> 00:58:53,613 Wait, Igor's dead? 1059 00:58:54,156 --> 00:58:54,990 Yeah. 1060 00:58:55,490 --> 00:58:57,826 - And you're gonna die also. - Enough. 1061 00:58:59,327 --> 00:59:01,872 I'm Irina lvanona Volgina. 1062 00:59:02,581 --> 00:59:04,374 You know who my father is. 1063 00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,919 These two dipshits belong to me. 1064 00:59:08,003 --> 00:59:11,798 Now go, if you want to live to see your children again. 1065 00:59:13,550 --> 00:59:14,676 Stupid bitch. 1066 00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:17,262 You think I didn't ask for permission? 1067 00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:19,139 Permission? 1068 00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:28,398 All right! 1069 00:59:29,399 --> 00:59:30,734 Listen up. 1070 00:59:31,359 --> 00:59:33,320 - Never show fear, right? - Yeah. 1071 00:59:33,403 --> 00:59:34,237 Now, look. 1072 00:59:34,780 --> 00:59:36,490 Wait, that's the knife you gave me. 1073 00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,950 No. I gave you one just like it. 1074 00:59:39,034 --> 00:59:40,744 I knew you couldn't be trusted with the original. 1075 00:59:40,827 --> 00:59:42,788 - I'm not an idiot. - Oh, my God. 1076 00:59:42,871 --> 00:59:44,831 You heard me pining about that knife. 1077 00:59:44,915 --> 00:59:47,793 You knew I felt guilty for losing it for like 25 years! 1078 00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:48,960 That's enough. 1079 00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:51,171 Dad, stab this bald fucker. 1080 00:59:51,254 --> 00:59:52,547 I'm sorry, son. 1081 00:59:53,131 --> 00:59:54,466 - But... - I can't breathe. 1082 00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:58,845 ...I swore I would never use a weapon for violence. 1083 01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:09,564 Hello. 1084 01:00:14,653 --> 01:00:15,779 Oh, my God. 1085 01:00:16,571 --> 01:00:17,948 She cut his throat, Dad. 1086 01:00:18,031 --> 01:00:19,950 Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad. 1087 01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:21,535 Oh, why is he touching it? 1088 01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,703 Oh, no. Why are you smiling? 1089 01:00:24,621 --> 01:00:26,039 Stop. Stop right there. Stop. 1090 01:00:26,123 --> 01:00:28,458 What am I supposed to do, Dad? What am I supposed to do? 1091 01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:29,543 Hit him, son. 1092 01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:35,841 Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him! 1093 01:00:35,924 --> 01:00:37,134 Oh, my God! 1094 01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,347 Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out! 1095 01:00:42,430 --> 01:00:44,057 He's so warm! 1096 01:00:44,141 --> 01:00:46,601 No, no, no, no, no! God! 1097 01:00:51,273 --> 01:00:53,400 God! Help me let go! 1098 01:00:53,483 --> 01:00:55,235 God! You're, like, fisting his neck. 1099 01:00:55,318 --> 01:00:56,444 Help me! 1100 01:00:56,528 --> 01:00:58,280 Son of a bitch! God! 1101 01:00:58,363 --> 01:01:00,907 It's like a pickle jar. Just let go of the pickle. 1102 01:01:00,991 --> 01:01:03,743 Damn it, Dad. It's nothing like a pickle jar! 1103 01:01:03,827 --> 01:01:04,828 Oh, shit! 1104 01:01:04,911 --> 01:01:06,538 Incoming! 1105 01:01:06,621 --> 01:01:09,082 Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull! 1106 01:01:14,796 --> 01:01:15,797 Oh, my God! 1107 01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:17,632 Get it off! Get it off mel! 1108 01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:19,009 Get it off me! 1109 01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,886 No, not that way! The other way! 1110 01:01:24,639 --> 01:01:28,059 Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"? 1111 01:01:28,143 --> 01:01:30,562 Does it really fucking matter, Dad?! 1112 01:01:31,229 --> 01:01:33,231 Why did he say he had permission to kill us? 1113 01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:37,277 I know where we can find out. 1114 01:01:41,114 --> 01:01:43,867 Hello. Can I have your attention, please? 1115 01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:48,038 We're here looking for whoever sent that large, bald man 1116 01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,040 to kill me and my son. 1117 01:01:50,123 --> 01:01:51,333 Dad. Hey, Dad. 1118 01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:52,834 Dad. 1119 01:01:52,918 --> 01:01:54,794 Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay? 1120 01:02:03,970 --> 01:02:07,098 - Alexei. - It is so nice to see you, sister. 1121 01:02:07,182 --> 01:02:08,892 You have another brother? 1122 01:02:10,227 --> 01:02:12,229 Three of us. Now two. 1123 01:02:12,312 --> 01:02:13,897 But thank you for killing him. 1124 01:02:14,898 --> 01:02:16,733 He was pain in ass. 1125 01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:19,486 And very stupid. 1126 01:02:20,904 --> 01:02:22,781 You have the meanest family of all time. 1127 01:02:22,864 --> 01:02:25,575 Kind of you to say, Machine. 1128 01:02:26,284 --> 01:02:29,496 I can't agree with your methods or your business model, 1129 01:02:29,579 --> 01:02:31,831 but it warms my heart to see a son 1130 01:02:31,915 --> 01:02:34,459 willing to take on his father's legacy. 1131 01:02:34,542 --> 01:02:37,462 Albert, Machine's father. 1132 01:02:39,631 --> 01:02:40,882 Oh, sister. 1133 01:02:40,966 --> 01:02:43,760 I intend to bring our father the watch Machine stole. 1134 01:02:43,843 --> 01:02:45,095 It is over. 1135 01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:47,347 Give me Machine. 1136 01:02:47,430 --> 01:02:49,307 Machine leads me to watch. 1137 01:02:49,391 --> 01:02:50,767 I win. 1138 01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:52,811 All right. You win. 1139 01:02:52,894 --> 01:02:54,187 You get the watch. 1140 01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:57,232 It is here? 1141 01:02:57,315 --> 01:02:59,067 Oh, yeah. lt is here. 1142 01:03:00,277 --> 01:03:01,152 In this room. 1143 01:03:02,988 --> 01:03:05,865 We don't have it. We came to collect it. 1144 01:03:09,035 --> 01:03:09,911 From him. 1145 01:03:10,453 --> 01:03:11,579 Keyser Soze. 1146 01:03:12,831 --> 01:03:14,416 Keyser So6ze? 1147 01:03:14,499 --> 01:03:17,127 Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him. 1148 01:03:17,210 --> 01:03:19,170 Who the fuck is Keyser Sze? 1149 01:03:19,671 --> 01:03:21,214 Yep, it's his now. 1150 01:03:21,298 --> 01:03:22,424 I'm out of the equation. 1151 01:03:33,268 --> 01:03:34,519 Where are we going? 1152 01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:35,937 You're gonna get us all killed! 1153 01:03:36,021 --> 01:03:37,272 Shut up and run. 1154 01:03:39,274 --> 01:03:40,317 There we go. 1155 01:03:51,453 --> 01:03:52,454 Fuck! 1156 01:03:56,958 --> 01:03:58,668 You make me chase you. 1157 01:04:01,588 --> 01:04:02,797 Not nice. 1158 01:04:05,050 --> 01:04:07,010 You think you're so cool. 1159 01:04:07,802 --> 01:04:11,056 Sister, do you really think you'd take over family? 1160 01:04:13,308 --> 01:04:14,309 Why? 1161 01:04:15,769 --> 01:04:17,604 I'm strong. I'm smart. 1162 01:04:17,687 --> 01:04:19,564 Please. You are a woman. 1163 01:04:21,733 --> 01:04:23,318 The world is changing. 1164 01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:25,653 Even for our family. 1165 01:04:25,737 --> 01:04:29,491 Father and I, we laugh about your delusions. 1166 01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:35,997 You and Father always underestimate me. 1167 01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:38,792 But you know what? 1168 01:04:40,460 --> 01:04:42,712 I deserve to be treated as an equal. 1169 01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:44,672 Agreed. 1170 01:05:03,942 --> 01:05:05,360 - Hey. - Jesus. 1171 01:05:05,443 --> 01:05:07,237 I like this feminism thing. 1172 01:05:08,405 --> 01:05:11,741 And if you don't want me to kill your father next, 1173 01:05:12,283 --> 01:05:14,119 you will take me to the watch. 1174 01:05:14,202 --> 01:05:17,163 All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm gonna do whatever you want. 1175 01:05:17,247 --> 01:05:19,374 Don't hurt my father, okay? Give me a second. 1176 01:05:19,457 --> 01:05:21,418 Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad. Listen to me. Listen to me. 1177 01:05:21,501 --> 01:05:22,836 We're gonna be fine. We're gonna be a team. 1178 01:05:22,919 --> 01:05:24,379 Dad, listen to me right now, okay? 1179 01:05:24,462 --> 01:05:26,965 Butch Cassidy and Sundance. End of the movie, Dad. 1180 01:05:27,048 --> 01:05:29,509 - Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall. - Enough. 1181 01:05:31,970 --> 01:05:34,055 This is for your own good. 1182 01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:45,066 Dad! 1183 01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:59,038 My son is a moron. You were wasting your time. 1184 01:05:59,122 --> 01:06:00,665 I'll help find your watch. 1185 01:06:01,291 --> 01:06:05,336 But only if you promise to keep my granddaughter safe. 1186 01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:14,471 You are a very good father. 1187 01:06:26,399 --> 01:06:27,734 A cop pulled us over. 1188 01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:29,360 Dad, there's a cop. 1189 01:06:29,444 --> 01:06:32,363 Officer, no, I don't have a driver's license. 1190 01:06:32,447 --> 01:06:34,449 My dad's in the backseat. 1191 01:06:34,532 --> 01:06:37,118 Dad, stop. Shit, Dad. 1192 01:06:37,202 --> 01:06:38,286 Dad, wake up. 1193 01:06:43,583 --> 01:06:45,126 Oh, God. 1194 01:06:50,048 --> 01:06:51,382 Oh, shit. 1195 01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:57,013 Son of a bitch. 1196 01:07:06,356 --> 01:07:08,942 Hello? 1197 01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:10,193 Fucking Dad. 1198 01:07:11,444 --> 01:07:12,445 I'm tired. 1199 01:07:13,655 --> 01:07:16,324 I'm sore. I'm hungry. 1200 01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:18,201 I'm hungry. 1201 01:07:24,958 --> 01:07:26,209 Thank you, Ash. 1202 01:07:50,858 --> 01:07:51,943 Wait. 1203 01:07:52,777 --> 01:07:53,611 Hey. 1204 01:07:53,695 --> 01:07:54,946 Is my daughter okay? 1205 01:07:55,572 --> 01:07:56,406 No. 1206 01:07:58,950 --> 01:08:01,244 My son is a moron. 1207 01:08:03,288 --> 01:08:04,914 Hey, what's up, sleepyhead? 1208 01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:07,875 - What's this thing? - It's a mace. 1209 01:08:08,626 --> 01:08:09,919 The fuck are you doing here? 1210 01:08:10,003 --> 01:08:12,171 Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high. 1211 01:08:15,174 --> 01:08:16,634 I am really high. 1212 01:08:21,264 --> 01:08:23,725 God, I came to Russia to become a man. 1213 01:08:23,808 --> 01:08:25,810 All I became was an asshole criminal. 1214 01:08:25,893 --> 01:08:28,896 Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that for a while. 1215 01:08:28,980 --> 01:08:31,107 A lot of it, all the shit that happened on the train. 1216 01:08:31,733 --> 01:08:34,777 But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing? 1217 01:08:35,862 --> 01:08:37,238 It pays off bigtime. 1218 01:08:37,322 --> 01:08:38,406 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 1219 01:08:38,489 --> 01:08:40,116 - Yeah? - Oh, dude. 1220 01:08:40,199 --> 01:08:43,244 This trip to Russia sets you on a path. 1221 01:08:43,828 --> 01:08:45,955 You, my friend, are great at making people laugh. 1222 01:08:46,039 --> 01:08:47,081 Thanks, man. 1223 01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:50,585 - l am gonna be okay. - Yeah. 1224 01:08:51,252 --> 01:08:54,088 And then your wife's gonna put you in therapy. 1225 01:08:54,172 --> 01:08:55,882 - We're married? - Oh, yeah. 1226 01:08:55,965 --> 01:08:57,258 Is she hot? 1227 01:08:57,342 --> 01:08:58,968 - I mean, yeah. - Wait, what do you mean? 1228 01:08:59,052 --> 01:09:02,221 I mean, I think she's hot. I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50. 1229 01:09:04,641 --> 01:09:06,684 You married a 50-year-old? 1230 01:09:07,268 --> 01:09:09,896 Dude, what the fuck? I thought you said we were gonna be okay. 1231 01:09:09,979 --> 01:09:11,397 No, I forgot how dumb I am. 1232 01:09:11,481 --> 01:09:12,815 We married her when she was 30. 1233 01:09:12,899 --> 01:09:15,610 She was-- She still is a smoke show. She's hot as shit, okay? 1234 01:09:15,693 --> 01:09:17,904 - Okay. - Don't make me defend our wife. 1235 01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:19,572 She's a great mom. 1236 01:09:20,782 --> 01:09:21,616 We got kids? 1237 01:09:21,699 --> 01:09:22,700 - Yeah. - Boys? 1238 01:09:22,784 --> 01:09:24,369 Ah, I knew we'd have boys. 1239 01:09:24,452 --> 01:09:25,787 I always wanted to have boys. 1240 01:09:25,870 --> 01:09:27,205 Look at us. 1241 01:09:27,288 --> 01:09:30,875 Both of us just figuring ourselves out. 1242 01:09:32,710 --> 01:09:34,170 Well, I am. 1243 01:09:34,796 --> 01:09:36,339 You're still pretty lost. 1244 01:09:36,422 --> 01:09:39,050 I mean, you're literally lost in a forest. 1245 01:09:39,133 --> 01:09:40,468 High on a pot brownie. 1246 01:09:40,551 --> 01:09:43,012 ‘Cause your dad kicked you off a train. 1247 01:09:43,096 --> 01:09:44,347 Because he hates you. 1248 01:09:44,430 --> 01:09:47,558 Because you can't save your own daughter, who hates you. 1249 01:09:47,642 --> 01:09:50,645 Now your wife's gonna hate you. Your whole family pretty much hates you. 1250 01:09:50,728 --> 01:09:51,979 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. 1251 01:09:52,063 --> 01:09:54,399 I know this. I know this. Why are you doing this to me? 1252 01:09:54,482 --> 01:09:57,068 ‘Cause I'm trying to save you. You're about to get shot. 1253 01:09:58,611 --> 01:09:59,445 How so? 1254 01:09:59,529 --> 01:10:02,949 You're about to get shot. 1255 01:10:03,032 --> 01:10:05,034 Meaning what? 1256 01:10:05,118 --> 01:10:06,786 You're under fire. 1257 01:10:20,383 --> 01:10:21,843 Fuck! God! 1258 01:10:22,677 --> 01:10:23,845 Oh, my God! 1259 01:10:25,263 --> 01:10:26,264 Fuck. 1260 01:10:45,616 --> 01:10:46,701 Bert? 1261 01:10:47,535 --> 01:10:48,536 Igor? 1262 01:10:52,707 --> 01:10:54,751 - Bert. - Igor! 1263 01:10:55,668 --> 01:10:57,587 - Machinal - Igor! 1264 01:10:57,670 --> 01:11:00,506 You look like a big bear. I mean, what? 1265 01:11:02,049 --> 01:11:04,802 - God. - My friend, you are here. 1266 01:11:04,886 --> 01:11:08,431 I can't believe you're alive. Oh, shit. It's good to see you. 1267 01:11:12,810 --> 01:11:14,187 Do you have any snacks? 1268 01:11:17,732 --> 01:11:19,817 This is my home. 1269 01:11:19,901 --> 01:11:20,985 For years now. 1270 01:11:21,068 --> 01:11:23,946 - Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia. - Yeah. West Vagina. 1271 01:11:24,030 --> 01:11:26,991 Igor! Deuces. 1272 01:11:27,074 --> 01:11:28,618 That's uncircumcised. 1273 01:11:31,245 --> 01:11:32,830 - You almost hit that guy, Igor. - Yeah. 1274 01:11:34,415 --> 01:11:35,750 It's a tradition here. 1275 01:11:36,375 --> 01:11:37,668 Ah, look at this. 1276 01:11:38,294 --> 01:11:39,420 This is it. 1277 01:11:40,421 --> 01:11:41,589 - This is your house? - Yeah. 1278 01:11:47,136 --> 01:11:48,679 Holy shit. 1279 01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:51,766 Wait, are these all your kids? 1280 01:11:51,849 --> 01:11:54,519 Yeah, this is most of my kids. 1281 01:11:54,602 --> 01:11:55,686 Oh, my God. 1282 01:11:58,523 --> 01:12:00,233 Jesus, you know you can pull out, right? 1283 01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:03,319 Yes, but my dick is little bit longer, so I'm like: 1284 01:12:03,402 --> 01:12:05,571 - Oh, like a magician. - Magician! 1285 01:12:05,655 --> 01:12:07,406 - With the scarves! - Yeah. 1286 01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:08,866 - Hey. - I missed you. 1287 01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:14,664 ...Machina! 1288 01:12:14,747 --> 01:12:16,624 Hey! Yeah! 1289 01:12:16,707 --> 01:12:18,209 - Oh, Machina! - Yeah! 1290 01:12:27,093 --> 01:12:27,927 Igor. 1291 01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,470 Igor, Igor. 1292 01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:35,893 My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine. 1293 01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,436 Many in village are. 1294 01:12:37,520 --> 01:12:39,188 They listen to your podcast. 1295 01:12:39,272 --> 01:12:41,107 Why no new episodes? 1296 01:12:41,190 --> 01:12:43,025 Igor, have you killed the bear? 1297 01:12:43,359 --> 01:12:46,529 Not yet. But this is better! 1298 01:12:46,612 --> 01:12:48,531 I find friend, Machine. Real one! 1299 01:12:49,615 --> 01:12:52,743 Blessed day for our village! 1300 01:12:52,827 --> 01:12:58,040 First you find Machine, then I find whore! 1301 01:12:58,124 --> 01:12:59,917 - She find whore. - What? 1302 01:13:09,260 --> 01:13:12,138 Holy shit! Irina! You're alive! 1303 01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:14,307 How the fuck are you still alive? 1304 01:13:14,390 --> 01:13:16,726 Goddamn it. Oh, my God! 1305 01:13:17,268 --> 01:13:19,228 Would you like to buy her for the fucking? 1306 01:13:19,312 --> 01:13:20,855 I don't know. 1307 01:13:20,938 --> 01:13:22,940 What do you think? How much? 1308 01:13:23,024 --> 01:13:24,692 More than you have. 1309 01:13:25,401 --> 01:13:26,694 I don't know, maybe-- 1310 01:13:26,777 --> 01:13:28,905 Oh, my God! What happened to your leg? 1311 01:13:28,988 --> 01:13:30,197 Oh, that looks bad. 1312 01:13:30,281 --> 01:13:32,366 Here, tell me if you feel this. 1313 01:13:33,576 --> 01:13:35,703 Igor! Help! I know this whore! 1314 01:13:35,786 --> 01:13:37,079 Let's get her in your house! 1315 01:13:37,163 --> 01:13:40,291 - Here. - Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide? 1316 01:13:40,374 --> 01:13:43,127 No, but we have many kind of animal spit. 1317 01:13:43,210 --> 01:13:44,712 - Okay, well, here you go. - Fuck! 1318 01:13:44,795 --> 01:13:46,797 Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good. 1319 01:13:46,881 --> 01:13:49,175 - Fuck! - Just get me something to dress it with. 1320 01:13:49,884 --> 01:13:51,844 I gotta get this boot off. 1321 01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:55,056 - Okay. Okay, here we go. - Okay. Wait, wait, be careful. 1322 01:13:56,891 --> 01:13:57,892 All right. 1323 01:13:59,060 --> 01:14:00,937 Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay. 1324 01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:04,982 - Oh, is it bad? - It's not that bad. 1325 01:14:05,066 --> 01:14:07,026 - Is it that bad? Oh, fuck! - It's not that bad. 1326 01:14:07,109 --> 01:14:08,152 I just can't look at it. 1327 01:14:09,236 --> 01:14:10,446 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 1328 01:14:10,529 --> 01:14:12,198 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Fuck! 1329 01:14:12,281 --> 01:14:13,741 It's fine. It's fine. 1330 01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:16,243 Did you just put it in your pocket? 1331 01:14:16,327 --> 01:14:17,662 I didn't know where to put it. 1332 01:14:17,745 --> 01:14:20,414 Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck! 1333 01:14:20,498 --> 01:14:22,875 Don't you throw up. If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up. 1334 01:14:22,959 --> 01:14:25,252 Don't throw up. Don't throw up. Please don't throw up. 1335 01:14:25,336 --> 01:14:28,756 - l won't throw up. You don't throw up. - I won't throw up, if you don't throw up. 1336 01:14:28,839 --> 01:14:30,466 - I'll trust you. Okay. - Deal. 1337 01:14:30,549 --> 01:14:32,468 Oh, God. Okay. 1338 01:14:33,886 --> 01:14:36,472 - Just do something about it! - I don't think I can do this. 1339 01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:38,516 Give me a pep talk. 1340 01:14:38,599 --> 01:14:41,268 - Just pull it out. You can do it. - Okay. 1341 01:14:41,352 --> 01:14:43,688 - I can do it? - You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay? 1342 01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:45,481 - One, two... - Three, two... 1343 01:14:45,564 --> 01:14:46,440 No, wait. No, wait. 1344 01:14:46,524 --> 01:14:49,235 - Three! Two! One! - Three! Two! One! 1345 01:14:54,824 --> 01:14:56,409 I did it! I did it! 1346 01:14:57,243 --> 01:14:58,786 You're not gonna... 1347 01:15:07,086 --> 01:15:09,255 So anyway, I shoot the dude, 1348 01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:11,841 he shoots another dude, dude shoots another dude. 1349 01:15:11,924 --> 01:15:15,011 Three dudes, one-- Four-- Three-- Three bullets. 1350 01:15:15,094 --> 01:15:17,596 It was top ten all-time kills for me. Hell, yeah! 1351 01:15:17,680 --> 01:15:19,515 Yeah. Oh, is this...? 1352 01:15:19,598 --> 01:15:22,435 - Are we high-fiving a murder? - Yeah. 1353 01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:24,729 Hey, where is your father now? 1354 01:15:24,812 --> 01:15:26,897 Who the fuck knows? 1355 01:15:26,981 --> 01:15:29,775 Let me tell you something. If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him. 1356 01:15:31,444 --> 01:15:33,404 Hey, Igor, what brought you here? 1357 01:15:33,487 --> 01:15:35,406 Hey, thanks to you, Bert. 1358 01:15:35,489 --> 01:15:37,074 - Me? - Yeah. 1359 01:15:37,158 --> 01:15:38,159 What? 1360 01:15:38,242 --> 01:15:41,620 When I saw how you find joy in every moment, 1361 01:15:41,704 --> 01:15:45,166 it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous." 1362 01:15:46,417 --> 01:15:47,793 Not easy life. 1363 01:15:47,877 --> 01:15:52,381 And one day, as I strangle man for not paying me for... 1364 01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:54,884 whatever, 1365 01:15:54,967 --> 01:15:57,595 - I remembered something you say. - What? 1366 01:15:57,678 --> 01:16:01,557 You told me most important thing in life, 1367 01:16:01,640 --> 01:16:03,601 it is to find your smile. 1368 01:16:07,188 --> 01:16:08,189 Igor. 1369 01:16:08,272 --> 01:16:10,483 I stole that from City Slickers. 1370 01:16:11,025 --> 01:16:13,903 Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing? 1371 01:16:13,986 --> 01:16:16,280 His whole deal is stealing shit. 1372 01:16:16,363 --> 01:16:18,616 Back then, Irina. Okay? 1373 01:16:18,699 --> 01:16:21,577 Hey, I just left. It was my choice. 1374 01:16:21,660 --> 01:16:22,995 My smile. 1375 01:16:23,079 --> 01:16:25,372 Mafia was not my smile. 1376 01:16:25,456 --> 01:16:28,167 This was. Children, family, Sonia. 1377 01:16:28,667 --> 01:16:32,213 In mafia, I would have died. 1378 01:16:32,296 --> 01:16:34,924 But I have this, thanks to you, Bert. 1379 01:16:35,007 --> 01:16:36,675 You saved my life. 1380 01:16:40,513 --> 01:16:41,806 Good for you, Igor. 1381 01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:44,517 Hey, at least I didn't ruin his life, right? 1382 01:16:49,480 --> 01:16:50,481 Bert? 1383 01:16:56,028 --> 01:16:57,071 Bert? 1384 01:17:01,033 --> 01:17:03,369 Hey. Are you asleep? 1385 01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:05,121 Yeah. 1386 01:17:05,663 --> 01:17:08,541 What is this thing you did that made your daughter hate you? 1387 01:17:14,004 --> 01:17:15,005 All right. 1388 01:17:17,383 --> 01:17:21,095 So me and my big, fat friend Tom, we're doing a podcast, 1389 01:17:21,679 --> 01:17:24,390 and we get accidentally very fucked up. 1390 01:17:25,766 --> 01:17:27,977 - That's not so bad. - Wait for it. 1391 01:17:28,060 --> 01:17:30,688 So Sasha's 15, right? She's got her learner's permit. 1392 01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:33,607 I'm like, "Hey, come out to me. 1393 01:17:34,358 --> 01:17:37,153 Get my car, drive me home." Right? Bam, bam. 1394 01:17:38,696 --> 01:17:41,574 You asked your teenage daughter to drive you home drunk? 1395 01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:43,659 It gets worse, okay? 1396 01:17:43,742 --> 01:17:45,119 She rolls a stop sign. 1397 01:17:45,744 --> 01:17:47,079 Cop pulls her over. 1398 01:17:49,540 --> 01:17:53,544 Turns out, having a parent in the car doesn't count if the parent's trashed. 1399 01:17:55,880 --> 01:17:59,717 She can't get her license for two years. I got a misdemeanor. It was awful. 1400 01:17:59,800 --> 01:18:02,261 Well, if that's everything, that's not so bad. 1401 01:18:02,970 --> 01:18:06,307 I wish that was the worst thing my father ever did to me. 1402 01:18:06,390 --> 01:18:08,350 It almost sounds nice. 1403 01:18:10,561 --> 01:18:13,314 Four minutes before I passed out, I started a livestream. 1404 01:18:14,231 --> 01:18:16,400 And I livestreamed the entire event. 1405 01:18:17,193 --> 01:18:18,819 It immediately went viral. 1406 01:18:19,987 --> 01:18:21,947 Next weekend was Father's Day. 1407 01:18:23,908 --> 01:18:25,326 She was so mad. 1408 01:18:27,411 --> 01:18:29,455 Oh, God, she didn't talk to me for a month. 1409 01:18:31,790 --> 01:18:33,167 It was a wake-up call. 1410 01:18:40,424 --> 01:18:44,887 I've been this party guy for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. 1411 01:18:49,642 --> 01:18:55,064 Then maybe you're not supposed to be only Bert. 1412 01:18:57,775 --> 01:18:59,443 Look what you did for Igor. 1413 01:19:00,694 --> 01:19:03,948 Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life. 1414 01:19:05,783 --> 01:19:07,159 I don't follow. 1415 01:19:10,120 --> 01:19:13,332 We do not grow by destroying part of ourselves. 1416 01:19:13,832 --> 01:19:16,585 We grow by finding a balance between parts. 1417 01:19:17,836 --> 01:19:19,755 Balance like Steve Urkel. 1418 01:19:22,424 --> 01:19:23,509 Did you just say "Urkel"? 1419 01:19:23,592 --> 01:19:27,137 It's a reference to one of my favorite American television shows. 1420 01:19:27,221 --> 01:19:28,555 Family Matters. 1421 01:19:28,639 --> 01:19:29,932 You know it? 1422 01:19:30,015 --> 01:19:33,060 Yeah. Wait. But wait. What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this? 1423 01:19:34,478 --> 01:19:37,731 In season five, Steve Urkel takes this potion 1424 01:19:37,815 --> 01:19:42,069 that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle, like, this cool version of him. 1425 01:19:42,152 --> 01:19:44,363 Everyone starts hating him, but what does he do? 1426 01:19:44,446 --> 01:19:46,532 He doesn't surrender. 1427 01:19:46,615 --> 01:19:48,033 He improves his formula, 1428 01:19:48,117 --> 01:19:51,453 and in the end, he gets best of both worlds. 1429 01:19:52,121 --> 01:19:54,581 You are the Machine and Bert. 1430 01:19:55,207 --> 01:19:56,875 You have both sides. 1431 01:19:56,959 --> 01:19:59,878 But now you need to balance. 1432 01:20:03,716 --> 01:20:04,550 I get it. 1433 01:20:05,592 --> 01:20:07,177 Goddamn it. 1434 01:20:07,970 --> 01:20:10,055 Can't believe I slept on Family Matters. 1435 01:20:10,139 --> 01:20:12,975 Oh, you should definitely watch it. It's very good. 1436 01:20:15,102 --> 01:20:16,729 "Did I do that?" 1437 01:20:17,354 --> 01:20:18,605 He watched it. 1438 01:20:20,524 --> 01:20:23,652 When communists came, politburo burned down the church 1439 01:20:23,736 --> 01:20:25,779 and build this factory. 1440 01:20:25,863 --> 01:20:28,907 When the communists leave, factory closed. 1441 01:20:28,991 --> 01:20:32,077 When I came to the village, I helped them build this. 1442 01:20:32,161 --> 01:20:34,330 - You built this? - No, no. Inside. 1443 01:20:40,461 --> 01:20:43,172 I took you here because building this place, 1444 01:20:43,255 --> 01:20:45,215 feeling closer to God, 1445 01:20:45,299 --> 01:20:47,718 taught me how to forgive myself. 1446 01:20:47,801 --> 01:20:52,014 You know, for all the bad things that I did, murders, 1447 01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:54,058 all those years ago. 1448 01:20:54,933 --> 01:20:58,604 Why do you think I hooked you up with the train banditti? 1449 01:20:58,687 --> 01:21:00,522 I don't know. To show them a good time? 1450 01:21:01,440 --> 01:21:02,441 And? 1451 01:21:03,650 --> 01:21:05,736 To keep your class safe. 1452 01:21:06,653 --> 01:21:08,655 Train banditti are very dangerous. 1453 01:21:08,739 --> 01:21:10,824 They do terrible things to the passengers. 1454 01:21:10,908 --> 01:21:14,536 I introduced them to Machine to distract them, 1455 01:21:14,620 --> 01:21:17,289 by doing what he always does. 1456 01:21:17,915 --> 01:21:20,376 Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor. 1457 01:21:20,459 --> 01:21:21,627 So? 1458 01:21:22,169 --> 01:21:24,463 Was anyone hurt, killed? 1459 01:21:24,546 --> 01:21:26,882 You spit in a girl's face. You were an asshole. 1460 01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:29,968 But your class, they were safe 1461 01:21:30,052 --> 01:21:33,097 because you did exactly what you're supposed to do, 1462 01:21:33,180 --> 01:21:36,183 by showing them good time, making them laugh. 1463 01:21:36,266 --> 01:21:38,519 You protected those people. 1464 01:21:38,602 --> 01:21:41,814 That is what a man does. 1465 01:21:43,023 --> 01:21:44,191 Goddamn it. 1466 01:21:44,274 --> 01:21:46,443 Seems you're a good man, Bert. 1467 01:21:48,404 --> 01:21:49,238 Thanks, Irina. 1468 01:21:50,572 --> 01:21:52,074 It's time to feed kids. 1469 01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:54,159 Holy shit! That's the watch! 1470 01:21:55,536 --> 01:21:56,745 My father's watch. 1471 01:22:03,001 --> 01:22:04,670 How do you have that? 1472 01:22:04,753 --> 01:22:07,339 You gave it to me when you left Russia. 1473 01:22:07,423 --> 01:22:09,758 You said it was thank you for being a true friend. 1474 01:22:09,842 --> 01:22:11,802 You were very, very drunk. 1475 01:22:13,137 --> 01:22:14,638 I was embarrassed taking it, 1476 01:22:14,721 --> 01:22:16,974 but the words were nice, so I just took it. 1477 01:22:17,057 --> 01:22:18,809 Sweet, drunk words. 1478 01:22:18,892 --> 01:22:19,893 God, yes. 1479 01:22:20,519 --> 01:22:21,854 Let's go, Bert. 1480 01:22:21,937 --> 01:22:23,689 I have an empire to claim. 1481 01:22:24,606 --> 01:22:26,525 I would pay to listen to her talk during sex. 1482 01:22:26,608 --> 01:22:28,110 I would pay to have sex with her. 1483 01:22:28,193 --> 01:22:29,903 Sorry about your bathroom. 1484 01:22:29,987 --> 01:22:31,947 Thank you for taming the whore. 1485 01:22:32,030 --> 01:22:33,615 No, thank you. 1486 01:22:33,699 --> 01:22:35,284 I'll cherish these. 1487 01:22:35,367 --> 01:22:37,286 The fuck am I supposed to do with a chicken? 1488 01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:40,456 Hey, Bert. I need to come clean. 1489 01:22:40,539 --> 01:22:42,958 After train, I talked to Fedor, and... 1490 01:22:43,709 --> 01:22:46,003 he gave me what you stole from class. 1491 01:22:46,086 --> 01:22:50,132 Then everyone go back to U.S.A. so I kept it to remember. 1492 01:22:50,215 --> 01:22:52,926 - Hold on. No way. - Yeah. 1493 01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:54,678 Dude. 1494 01:22:54,761 --> 01:22:56,472 Hey, take it. 1495 01:22:56,555 --> 01:22:58,974 And go to Moscow and save your father. 1496 01:22:59,475 --> 01:23:02,728 If he's still alive. He may have been tortured to death. 1497 01:23:04,521 --> 01:23:05,647 I think she's autistic. 1498 01:23:05,731 --> 01:23:06,648 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1499 01:23:06,732 --> 01:23:10,068 Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man. 1500 01:23:10,152 --> 01:23:11,153 - No, no, no. - No? 1501 01:23:11,236 --> 01:23:12,779 You've been a good-luck charm to me. 1502 01:23:12,863 --> 01:23:14,573 - My life changed the day I met you. - Hey. 1503 01:23:14,656 --> 01:23:16,033 - Bert, thank you. - No, thank you. 1504 01:23:16,116 --> 01:23:17,326 - No, thank you. - No, thank you. 1505 01:23:18,619 --> 01:23:20,704 God. I'll miss you, brother. 1506 01:23:21,788 --> 01:23:24,833 I'm gonna miss these disgusting poor people. 1507 01:23:26,293 --> 01:23:29,046 So you just think it and say it? You don't stop it at all, right? 1508 01:23:29,963 --> 01:23:31,381 Yes, basically. 1509 01:23:32,174 --> 01:23:34,510 - Never met someone like myself before. - Yeah. 1510 01:24:09,461 --> 01:24:11,088 So I keep having this recurring dream 1511 01:24:11,171 --> 01:24:12,881 where Dolly Parton throws me her pick, 1512 01:24:12,965 --> 01:24:15,050 calls me on-stage and wants me to jam with her. 1513 01:24:15,133 --> 01:24:16,134 I'm freaking shredding, 1514 01:24:16,218 --> 01:24:18,637 but my fingers turn into spiders and my teeth fall out. 1515 01:24:18,720 --> 01:24:21,557 Pretty sure it's my heart medication having a reaction with my sleeping pill. 1516 01:24:21,640 --> 01:24:23,267 But, hey, it's better than doing acid, 1517 01:24:23,350 --> 01:24:25,644 and kind of the highlight of my day at this point. 1518 01:24:26,144 --> 01:24:29,022 - It's sad but true. - What the fuck is going on in here? 1519 01:24:29,731 --> 01:24:31,024 Oh, hi, son. 1520 01:24:34,111 --> 01:24:35,195 You two are buds now? 1521 01:24:37,364 --> 01:24:39,658 Dad, why are you talking all fast like you're on speed or something? 1522 01:24:39,741 --> 01:24:43,412 ‘Cause I'm on speed. And it is so, so, so, so great. 1523 01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:45,956 More drugs. 1524 01:24:49,835 --> 01:24:50,919 Look at me. 1525 01:24:51,003 --> 01:24:53,088 I'm Molly Parton! 1526 01:24:56,383 --> 01:24:57,884 You see what I did there? 1527 01:24:59,720 --> 01:25:01,805 Irina. You're alive. 1528 01:25:02,514 --> 01:25:05,684 - Super. - Yes, asshole, I am alive. 1529 01:25:05,767 --> 01:25:10,272 I brought the Machine, and I even have the watch. 1530 01:25:10,355 --> 01:25:13,191 So suck my dick. 1531 01:25:13,275 --> 01:25:15,402 - Thanks. - Fuck you, Sponge! 1532 01:25:15,485 --> 01:25:17,279 No, fuck you. 1533 01:25:17,362 --> 01:25:18,697 He pay me. 1534 01:25:19,698 --> 01:25:20,741 You hit me. 1535 01:25:21,241 --> 01:25:23,118 I should have left you in that gulag, 1536 01:25:23,201 --> 01:25:25,245 with those doctors poking and prodding you. 1537 01:25:25,329 --> 01:25:27,998 I would string you up by your balls. 1538 01:25:39,051 --> 01:25:40,052 Machine. 1539 01:25:43,013 --> 01:25:44,222 I must say, 1540 01:25:45,390 --> 01:25:46,975 your dad is so fun. 1541 01:25:47,517 --> 01:25:49,978 He is the original Machine. 1542 01:25:51,229 --> 01:25:52,439 I'm the prototype. 1543 01:25:52,522 --> 01:25:54,358 He has been partying with us. 1544 01:25:54,441 --> 01:25:58,153 Now, your mom was more of a kind of missionary kind of gal, 1545 01:25:58,236 --> 01:25:59,613 but Annika... 1546 01:26:01,156 --> 01:26:04,201 she's got the cushion for the Pushkin. 1547 01:26:05,452 --> 01:26:07,204 Oh, Dad, please stop. 1548 01:26:07,287 --> 01:26:11,333 See, your dad has spent so long looking after you, 1549 01:26:11,416 --> 01:26:13,377 he never got a chance to have fun on his own. 1550 01:26:15,587 --> 01:26:17,673 What a load of horseshit that is. 1551 01:26:17,756 --> 01:26:20,842 Those Dolly Parton tickets he was just bragging about? Front row? 1552 01:26:20,926 --> 01:26:22,719 Who do you think bought them for him? 1553 01:26:22,803 --> 01:26:25,138 And to think I thought I was finally understanding you. 1554 01:26:25,222 --> 01:26:28,308 I found your fucking knife. Yeah, you want this piece of shit? 1555 01:26:28,392 --> 01:26:30,143 When he kicked me off the train, 1556 01:26:30,227 --> 01:26:31,937 I thought, "Maybe he's trying to keep me safe, 1557 01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:33,980 protect me or has a plan.” 1558 01:26:34,064 --> 01:26:37,025 But no plan. No fucking plan. 1559 01:26:37,109 --> 01:26:39,027 You're just a big old dick! 1560 01:26:39,903 --> 01:26:43,448 I may have let you down in this world. You've pointed that out a lot. 1561 01:26:43,532 --> 01:26:46,576 But you know what, Dad? You have let me down. 1562 01:26:46,660 --> 01:26:48,537 Just like I let Sasha down. 1563 01:26:49,162 --> 01:26:51,998 I can't believe I thought you were here to take care of me. 1564 01:26:52,082 --> 01:26:54,668 Dad, take a fucking look around. 1565 01:26:54,751 --> 01:26:56,169 You let me down! 1566 01:26:58,547 --> 01:26:59,840 Son. 1567 01:27:00,465 --> 01:27:03,093 I will always take care of you. 1568 01:27:05,470 --> 01:27:06,471 What? 1569 01:27:07,514 --> 01:27:10,976 You people threatened my granddaughter, 1570 01:27:11,643 --> 01:27:13,437 you kidnapped my son, 1571 01:27:13,520 --> 01:27:17,357 and made me do a lot of amazing drugs. 1572 01:27:17,441 --> 01:27:21,069 And this is how we say thank you in Florida. 1573 01:27:23,822 --> 01:27:25,699 Holy shit! 1574 01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:30,829 Motherfucking Eagle Scout. 1575 01:27:30,912 --> 01:27:32,706 Oh, fuck! 1576 01:27:32,789 --> 01:27:34,541 You have amazing tits! 1577 01:27:35,959 --> 01:27:37,377 Oh, shit! 1578 01:27:37,461 --> 01:27:38,837 I got the doors! 1579 01:27:39,713 --> 01:27:40,547 God! 1580 01:27:47,929 --> 01:27:49,347 I thought you were nonviolent. 1581 01:27:49,431 --> 01:27:51,892 I am! But I also love my son! 1582 01:27:51,975 --> 01:27:53,810 I knew you'd survive falling off that train 1583 01:27:53,894 --> 01:27:56,563 because of your big old boobies and protective layers of fat. 1584 01:27:57,272 --> 01:27:58,982 Oh, my God, you're so high right now. 1585 01:27:59,065 --> 01:28:02,110 I am so high. I am so high! 1586 01:28:02,194 --> 01:28:05,363 Idiots, stop talking and run. I'll find the watch. 1587 01:28:05,906 --> 01:28:07,449 Come on, come on, come on. 1588 01:28:08,533 --> 01:28:10,452 Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards. 1589 01:28:11,161 --> 01:28:12,579 Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging! 1590 01:28:15,874 --> 01:28:17,876 God. All right. Have a great night, everybody. 1591 01:28:17,959 --> 01:28:19,336 Ooh, you're dropping your money. 1592 01:28:19,419 --> 01:28:21,421 Don't drink and drive. Grab a T-shirt on your way out. 1593 01:28:21,505 --> 01:28:24,716 All right, have a good one. Oh, here we go. The last ones out. 1594 01:28:24,800 --> 01:28:26,843 Sorry for the gunfire, everybody. Have a great night. 1595 01:28:26,927 --> 01:28:28,762 Take care. Thank you very much. 1596 01:28:29,846 --> 01:28:32,057 All right, Dad. We're good. 1597 01:28:32,140 --> 01:28:34,559 Now, listen, I need you to use this drug energy for good. 1598 01:28:34,643 --> 01:28:36,102 All right? Like Charlie Sheen did. 1599 01:28:36,603 --> 01:28:38,522 Oh, shit. Dad, get down. 1600 01:29:07,384 --> 01:29:09,678 - Bert. I lied. - Stop talking. 1601 01:29:09,761 --> 01:29:10,846 Come on, let's go. 1602 01:29:11,888 --> 01:29:14,432 Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad. 1603 01:29:14,516 --> 01:29:16,852 - Dad, be quiet. - I can't. 1604 01:29:16,935 --> 01:29:20,063 I'm feeling so many feelings, and I need to tell you about them. 1605 01:29:21,147 --> 01:29:22,315 Bert? 1606 01:29:22,399 --> 01:29:23,441 - Bert? - What? 1607 01:29:24,234 --> 01:29:25,652 I need to say this. 1608 01:29:25,735 --> 01:29:28,697 Instead of accepting you, I criticized you. 1609 01:29:28,780 --> 01:29:31,408 But it was only because I wanted to keep you safe. 1610 01:29:31,491 --> 01:29:33,326 Why have you never told me this? 1611 01:29:33,410 --> 01:29:34,661 I don't know. It's... 1612 01:29:34,744 --> 01:29:38,707 Vulnerability is scary, and opening up is hard. 1613 01:29:39,583 --> 01:29:41,877 - What drugs did they give you? - Well, well, it was... 1614 01:29:41,960 --> 01:29:43,420 Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go. 1615 01:29:43,503 --> 01:29:45,755 One was yellow, but I don't know what it was. 1616 01:29:48,383 --> 01:29:50,385 - Bert. - Dad, shut the fuck up. 1617 01:29:50,468 --> 01:29:51,761 This is important. 1618 01:29:54,639 --> 01:29:56,850 All dads mess up, Bert. 1619 01:29:57,601 --> 01:29:59,477 But the good ones, we-- 1620 01:30:00,604 --> 01:30:02,230 We try to do better. 1621 01:30:04,357 --> 01:30:07,068 I guess sometimes it just... 1622 01:30:08,236 --> 01:30:09,696 takes us a while. 1623 01:30:10,322 --> 01:30:11,948 You're my boy, Bert. 1624 01:30:14,159 --> 01:30:15,827 Don't ever forget that. 1625 01:30:16,494 --> 01:30:17,996 You'll always... 1626 01:30:18,788 --> 01:30:20,290 be my boy. 1627 01:30:27,255 --> 01:30:28,506 This is nice, Dad. 1628 01:30:29,132 --> 01:30:31,968 You should do drugs more often. Look at us. 1629 01:30:32,052 --> 01:30:33,845 We're finally working through our shit. 1630 01:30:38,350 --> 01:30:39,643 Dad, let's go! 1631 01:30:40,894 --> 01:30:41,978 Goddamn! 1632 01:30:42,062 --> 01:30:44,356 I just wish it had happened before we were about to die! 1633 01:30:44,439 --> 01:30:46,358 No, we're not gonna die. 1634 01:30:46,900 --> 01:30:47,734 Here. 1635 01:30:48,902 --> 01:30:51,947 You have always succeeded by being exactly you. 1636 01:30:52,030 --> 01:30:53,823 Now, take off that shirt 1637 01:30:53,907 --> 01:30:57,494 and show those SOBs who you really are. 1638 01:31:01,247 --> 01:31:02,248 Hey! 1639 01:31:08,296 --> 01:31:09,130 Fuck. 1640 01:31:35,198 --> 01:31:38,451 Now you gotta party with me. 1641 01:31:39,077 --> 01:31:40,370 Who the fuck are you? 1642 01:31:40,453 --> 01:31:43,748 He's the motherfucking Machine! 1643 01:31:50,380 --> 01:31:51,381 Oh, shit. 1644 01:31:53,049 --> 01:31:56,011 I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah! 1645 01:31:56,094 --> 01:31:57,679 Come on! Yeah! 1646 01:32:02,600 --> 01:32:04,602 Suck my dick, Captain America. 1647 01:32:10,233 --> 01:32:11,234 Machina! 1648 01:32:28,209 --> 01:32:30,086 What are you gonna do with a stick? Come on. 1649 01:32:33,423 --> 01:32:34,883 I got your stick now. 1650 01:32:48,772 --> 01:32:49,647 Not too bad. 1651 01:32:56,321 --> 01:32:58,031 Dad, put your hands down. 1652 01:32:58,114 --> 01:32:59,699 Get down now! Come on! 1653 01:32:59,783 --> 01:33:02,035 God, I'm so strong! 1654 01:33:04,079 --> 01:33:05,663 Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down. 1655 01:33:07,332 --> 01:33:08,750 Help me fuck up Lenin. 1656 01:33:08,833 --> 01:33:09,918 - Let's do it. - Come on! 1657 01:33:19,761 --> 01:33:21,387 Take that, communist! 1658 01:33:21,471 --> 01:33:23,473 Hey. Eagle Scout. 1659 01:33:24,015 --> 01:33:26,518 We have a rematch. 1660 01:33:33,108 --> 01:33:34,859 - Hammer, Dad. - Here. 1661 01:33:42,158 --> 01:33:44,410 Oh, titty boy. 1662 01:33:48,248 --> 01:33:49,666 I got you, son! 1663 01:33:51,543 --> 01:33:53,795 Dad! Dad! 1664 01:33:53,878 --> 01:33:55,713 Sorry, old man. 1665 01:34:03,930 --> 01:34:05,473 Absorb that, Sponge. 1666 01:34:07,225 --> 01:34:09,561 Oh, shit. Dad. Get off! 1667 01:34:09,644 --> 01:34:11,312 Are you okay? You okay? 1668 01:34:11,396 --> 01:34:14,065 I-- I saved you. 1669 01:34:14,649 --> 01:34:15,775 Yeah, you did. 1670 01:34:17,152 --> 01:34:17,986 Oh, shit. 1671 01:34:18,069 --> 01:34:21,239 Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk. Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see. 1672 01:34:22,073 --> 01:34:24,909 You... are nothing... 1673 01:34:28,955 --> 01:34:33,042 but an ignorant, fat American who has no respect. 1674 01:34:33,126 --> 01:34:35,879 Our father earned our respect. 1675 01:34:39,507 --> 01:34:40,800 Your father... 1676 01:34:41,801 --> 01:34:43,261 sells carpets. 1677 01:34:44,846 --> 01:34:49,642 I think I will make him watch you die, Machine. 1678 01:34:52,353 --> 01:34:53,855 My name's not Machine. 1679 01:34:58,234 --> 01:35:01,446 My name is Albert Charles Kreischer lll, 1680 01:35:01,529 --> 01:35:04,073 son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr., 1681 01:35:04,157 --> 01:35:07,035 owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets, 1682 01:35:07,118 --> 01:35:10,371 the best goddamn carpets you can find in Southwest Florida! 1683 01:35:10,455 --> 01:35:12,957 Three convenient locations. 1684 01:35:13,041 --> 01:35:14,542 Tell him, Dad! 1685 01:35:14,626 --> 01:35:17,837 And if I ever see your albino-looking ass again, 1686 01:35:17,921 --> 01:35:19,547 I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch. 1687 01:35:19,631 --> 01:35:21,966 And last, but surely not least, 1688 01:35:22,050 --> 01:35:24,219 I'm gonna need that knife back. That's a family heirloom. 1689 01:35:26,804 --> 01:35:28,973 - You want knife? - Oh, yeah. 1690 01:35:31,893 --> 01:35:33,853 Oh, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't do it that way, though. 1691 01:35:37,774 --> 01:35:40,443 I would have someone help you. Oh, God. It's-- 1692 01:35:40,526 --> 01:35:43,279 Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died. 1693 01:35:51,162 --> 01:35:53,873 Oh, my God. 1694 01:35:54,832 --> 01:35:57,627 You work out every day? That's-- Looks like an everyday thing. 1695 01:35:57,710 --> 01:35:59,921 - Enough talk. - All right, yep. 1696 01:36:02,757 --> 01:36:03,925 So now's when we bang, huh? 1697 01:36:46,718 --> 01:36:48,011 Okay, here we go. 1698 01:36:57,687 --> 01:36:59,272 So you can fight. 1699 01:37:00,064 --> 01:37:01,357 I went to Florida State. 1700 01:37:01,983 --> 01:37:04,360 All we know how to do is fight, fuck, and drink. 1701 01:37:04,944 --> 01:37:06,612 And I can't fuck worth shit. 1702 01:37:32,889 --> 01:37:34,223 I just got that crown. 1703 01:37:41,647 --> 01:37:44,108 Would you like to know why I hate you, Machine? 1704 01:37:44,192 --> 01:37:46,027 Oh, I'm dying to know. 1705 01:37:46,110 --> 01:37:50,698 All my life, men were measured against your stupid legend. 1706 01:37:52,992 --> 01:37:54,369 "The best." 1707 01:37:55,328 --> 01:37:56,788 "The man's man." 1708 01:37:57,413 --> 01:37:58,831 I say, fuck that! 1709 01:38:00,208 --> 01:38:02,460 So I worked to make myself better than you. 1710 01:38:03,169 --> 01:38:04,879 Stronger than you. 1711 01:38:04,962 --> 01:38:06,756 Look at you now, Machine. 1712 01:38:06,839 --> 01:38:08,257 You are nothing. 1713 01:38:12,845 --> 01:38:15,431 So dramatic, Alexei. 1714 01:38:15,515 --> 01:38:17,433 All these fucking speeches. 1715 01:38:21,604 --> 01:38:22,605 Irina. 1716 01:38:22,688 --> 01:38:26,609 Typical macho bullshit. 1717 01:38:28,486 --> 01:38:31,280 - Oh, Dad! - Whoa, whoa, my arm! 1718 01:38:31,364 --> 01:38:33,616 - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Son... 1719 01:38:34,534 --> 01:38:36,536 you didn't show fear. 1720 01:39:02,895 --> 01:39:03,729 Enough! 1721 01:39:17,994 --> 01:39:20,788 Is this how I raised you? 1722 01:39:29,380 --> 01:39:30,590 Your watch, Papa. 1723 01:39:40,183 --> 01:39:42,477 I brought it here to return it to you. 1724 01:39:50,151 --> 01:39:51,277 So... 1725 01:39:54,989 --> 01:39:57,074 it's clear that I have won. 1726 01:39:59,410 --> 01:40:03,289 Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter. 1727 01:40:03,998 --> 01:40:06,209 You want to take over? 1728 01:40:06,292 --> 01:40:09,378 You cannot even kill brother. 1729 01:40:09,462 --> 01:40:12,507 You become friends with idiot. 1730 01:40:13,132 --> 01:40:15,676 I would never give this to you. 1731 01:40:17,136 --> 01:40:19,388 Actually, can I step in for a second? 1732 01:40:20,640 --> 01:40:23,351 I think you guys should talk it out. Now, me and my dad... 1733 01:40:24,310 --> 01:40:26,604 - This is Russia. - Okay, okay. 1734 01:40:26,687 --> 01:40:30,358 We don't do your weak, America, lovey-huggy shit. 1735 01:40:32,485 --> 01:40:35,947 Hugs are for pussies. 1736 01:40:36,531 --> 01:40:38,074 Well, that explains a lot. 1737 01:40:42,161 --> 01:40:45,039 Alexei understands. 1738 01:40:46,123 --> 01:40:49,210 It is why he will run family. 1739 01:40:50,002 --> 01:40:51,504 You are weak. 1740 01:40:51,587 --> 01:40:53,756 A leader must be a wolf. 1741 01:40:55,508 --> 01:40:58,553 Kill or be killed. 1742 01:40:58,636 --> 01:41:00,555 If you do not like it, 1743 01:41:01,931 --> 01:41:04,267 take it up with God. 1744 01:41:06,269 --> 01:41:07,728 But you first. 1745 01:41:31,377 --> 01:41:33,087 Did I do that? 1746 01:41:37,425 --> 01:41:39,468 I am definitely watching Family Matters when we get home. 1747 01:42:02,158 --> 01:42:03,951 Look at that! Look at that! Look at that! 1748 01:42:05,911 --> 01:42:09,081 Irina, we can work together. 1749 01:42:09,165 --> 01:42:10,291 I am your brother. 1750 01:42:10,374 --> 01:42:11,792 Shut the fuck up! 1751 01:42:16,881 --> 01:42:19,216 Take him to our family dacha while I decide 1752 01:42:19,300 --> 01:42:21,927 which part of him to cut off for his insolence. 1753 01:42:23,304 --> 01:42:25,431 Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia. 1754 01:42:26,307 --> 01:42:29,018 Machine, I will kill you someday! 1755 01:42:29,101 --> 01:42:30,770 - I don't think so. - I will come for you! 1756 01:42:30,853 --> 01:42:33,064 - I don't know about that. - Machine! 1757 01:42:33,147 --> 01:42:35,232 - I can't hear you. - I will come for you! 1758 01:42:36,317 --> 01:42:37,693 Go, me! Right? 1759 01:42:37,777 --> 01:42:38,861 That was awesome! 1760 01:42:38,944 --> 01:42:40,905 Thank you, Bert. You inspired me. 1761 01:42:40,988 --> 01:42:41,822 Wait, how? 1762 01:42:41,906 --> 01:42:44,158 When you said you're going to kill your dad at Igor's house. 1763 01:42:44,241 --> 01:42:47,411 - You said you were gonna kill me? - Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train. 1764 01:42:47,495 --> 01:42:49,997 Now go, before police shows up. 1765 01:42:50,581 --> 01:42:51,666 - And, Bert. - Yeah? 1766 01:42:51,749 --> 01:42:53,209 Your daughter is sweet. 1767 01:42:53,292 --> 01:42:55,836 My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl. 1768 01:42:55,920 --> 01:42:58,798 - Some drugs. But smoke, not snort. - Okay. 1769 01:42:58,881 --> 01:43:00,341 - Good girl. - Yeah. 1770 01:43:06,222 --> 01:43:07,348 You're a good dad. 1771 01:43:07,431 --> 01:43:08,683 Keep it up. 1772 01:43:09,225 --> 01:43:11,394 Or else your daughter may kill you. 1773 01:43:16,023 --> 01:43:17,108 Thanks, Irina. 1774 01:43:18,526 --> 01:43:20,194 See you around, pussy boy. 1775 01:43:38,754 --> 01:43:41,048 Hey, deuces. Bye. 1776 01:43:41,132 --> 01:43:42,133 Bye, girl. 1777 01:43:45,886 --> 01:43:47,722 - Dad? - Keep it, sir. Thank you. 1778 01:43:47,805 --> 01:43:50,307 - Dad, look. Mom said that... - Oh, my gosh! 1779 01:43:50,391 --> 01:43:52,017 - There she is! Come here! - What? 1780 01:43:52,101 --> 01:43:53,644 Oh, my God, I love you. 1781 01:43:53,728 --> 01:43:56,647 I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid. 1782 01:43:57,940 --> 01:44:00,735 No, look. I'm really sorry. I was really mean at the party. 1783 01:44:01,819 --> 01:44:04,155 Look at us. We're apologizing. 1784 01:44:04,238 --> 01:44:06,073 I should be kidnapped to Russia once a year 1785 01:44:06,157 --> 01:44:08,576 - just to make this happen, right? - What? 1786 01:44:08,659 --> 01:44:10,161 Oh, there's the smile. 1787 01:44:10,244 --> 01:44:12,455 You did that smile when you were a little girl. 1788 01:44:12,538 --> 01:44:14,248 You're still my little girl. 1789 01:44:16,292 --> 01:44:17,585 And there's my woman. 1790 01:44:17,668 --> 01:44:20,629 Oh, well, well. It's nice to see you two back. 1791 01:44:20,713 --> 01:44:23,090 I hope you worked out your shit finally be-- 1792 01:44:31,348 --> 01:44:32,475 The fuck are you wearing? 1793 01:44:32,558 --> 01:44:35,644 - Oh, my God, what is that smell? - Okay, these are clothes. 1794 01:44:35,728 --> 01:44:37,188 I do not know what that smell is. 1795 01:44:37,271 --> 01:44:38,773 - Did you go to Vegas? - I did not go to Vegas. 1796 01:44:38,856 --> 01:44:40,733 - Where's your dad? - Dad's in Florida. 1797 01:44:40,816 --> 01:44:43,277 He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with who doesn't ask any questions. 1798 01:44:43,360 --> 01:44:45,070 We could all use one of those, right, guys? Am I kidding? 1799 01:44:45,154 --> 01:44:47,698 - Dad! Hey! - Oh, there she is! 1800 01:44:47,782 --> 01:44:49,158 From the top rope! 1801 01:44:49,241 --> 01:44:50,910 Oh, my gosh! 1802 01:44:50,993 --> 01:44:52,828 Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter! 1803 01:44:52,912 --> 01:44:54,538 - Just kidding. I'm not kidding. - Hey. 1804 01:44:54,622 --> 01:44:56,749 I can't wait till you get kidnapped. 1805 01:44:57,917 --> 01:45:00,127 - What? - Guys, Dad's back! 1806 01:45:00,211 --> 01:45:02,338 Dad's back! It's old-school Dad! 1807 01:45:02,421 --> 01:45:03,672 How was your week? 1808 01:45:05,299 --> 01:45:06,300 Complicated. 1809 01:45:06,383 --> 01:45:09,512 Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not. 1810 01:45:09,595 --> 01:45:11,680 I don't expect you to forgive me, 1811 01:45:11,764 --> 01:45:13,974 but I wanted to keep my promise. 1812 01:45:14,058 --> 01:45:16,685 Gifts are an important aspect of Russian life. 1813 01:45:16,769 --> 01:45:18,687 So are apologies. 1814 01:45:18,771 --> 01:45:20,231 This is mine. 1815 01:45:20,940 --> 01:45:23,692 Last week, the subject of your father came up, 1816 01:45:23,776 --> 01:45:25,694 and I thought we could explore that. 1817 01:45:26,695 --> 01:45:28,364 Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl. 1818 01:45:28,447 --> 01:45:31,659 - Did you wear condoms? - Will you stop? Stop. 1819 01:45:31,742 --> 01:45:33,244 - I'm just saying. - I don't want to hear it again. 1820 01:45:33,327 --> 01:45:34,912 Please put that down the memory hole. 1821 01:45:34,995 --> 01:45:36,121 I can't, Dad. 1822 01:45:36,205 --> 01:45:38,457 Since when do you have such a razor-sharp memory? 1823 01:45:38,541 --> 01:45:39,375 What happened-- 1824 01:45:39,458 --> 01:45:41,836 When you say things like, "Your mom is a missionary woman." 1825 01:45:41,919 --> 01:45:43,045 Oh, no! 1826 01:45:43,128 --> 01:45:44,880 Nah, we're good. 1827 01:45:45,589 --> 01:45:46,590 You and your father? 1828 01:45:46,674 --> 01:45:49,260 Yeah. We're thick as thieves. Butch and Sundance. 1829 01:45:49,343 --> 01:45:50,344 - Really? - Yeah. 1830 01:45:51,387 --> 01:45:54,765 Well, if you don't mind, can I ask how that resolved itself? 1831 01:45:54,849 --> 01:45:56,892 You can ask, but I don't think you're gonna believe me. 1832 01:45:56,976 --> 01:45:58,602 Well, humor me. 1833 01:46:02,231 --> 01:46:03,232 All right. 1834 01:46:04,400 --> 01:46:07,027 When I was 48 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 1835 01:46:07,111 --> 01:46:08,279 Here's how it happened. 1836 01:46:57,828 --> 01:46:59,038 What's up, Florida? 1837 01:46:59,121 --> 01:47:00,414 It's your boy, Bert Kreischer. 1838 01:47:00,497 --> 01:47:01,957 The Machine. 1839 01:47:02,041 --> 01:47:03,417 I love three things: 1840 01:47:03,500 --> 01:47:04,835 - Having a great time... - Yeah! 1841 01:47:04,919 --> 01:47:06,712 ...making sure other people have a great time, 1842 01:47:06,795 --> 01:47:07,880 and quality carpets 1843 01:47:07,963 --> 01:47:10,174 - delivered at a reasonable price. - Oh, yeah! 1844 01:47:10,257 --> 01:47:12,217 That's why, if you're looking for some acrylic, 1845 01:47:12,301 --> 01:47:15,512 wool, plush, saxony, or level loop... 1846 01:47:15,596 --> 01:47:17,097 None of that nylon shit. 1847 01:47:17,181 --> 01:47:19,433 ...you need to find your way to a Kreischer Karpets. 1848 01:47:19,516 --> 01:47:21,852 It's my dad's business, and he's right here. 1849 01:47:21,936 --> 01:47:23,103 Say hi, Dad. 1850 01:47:23,812 --> 01:47:26,815 Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV. 1851 01:47:26,899 --> 01:47:29,693 The best goddamn carpets in Southwest Florida. 1852 01:47:29,777 --> 01:47:32,863 That's Kreischer Karpets, spelled weirdly with a K. 1853 01:47:32,947 --> 01:47:34,031 Take it off, Dad. 1854 01:47:34,823 --> 01:47:36,158 Okay, fine. 1855 01:47:39,536 --> 01:47:42,456 Did we mention we have three convenient locations?