1 00:00:10,584 --> 00:00:13,209 (ACTOR DOING VOCAL WARM-UP EXERCISES) 2 00:00:13,334 --> 00:00:16,084 'Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-why. 3 00:00:16,834 --> 00:00:18,751 'Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca. Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. 4 00:00:18,876 --> 00:00:22,209 'Sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. 5 00:00:22,334 --> 00:00:25,001 'La-la-la-la-la-la. Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. 6 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:28,584 'Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca. Bastard, brrrrr! 7 00:00:28,668 --> 00:00:32,751 'Brian, bra... Bastard.' 8 00:00:32,876 --> 00:00:33,959 (CLEARS THROAT) 9 00:00:34,084 --> 00:00:35,918 'Roo, hmm. 10 00:00:36,043 --> 00:00:38,501 'I saw Susie sitting in a shoe-shine shop. 11 00:00:38,668 --> 00:00:40,709 'Barbara, bastard. 12 00:00:40,834 --> 00:00:43,001 'Lemon's Lennon liniment.' 13 00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:45,918 No. Lennon's lemon liniment. 14 00:00:46,043 --> 00:00:48,459 - A touch more powder, Mr Thorncroft. - Okay. 15 00:00:52,543 --> 00:00:53,834 There he is. 16 00:00:56,876 --> 00:00:59,209 - Okay, Clive, let's do this. - Hey, Richie. 17 00:00:59,334 --> 00:01:01,834 I'm just prepping for the stunt later on, okay? 18 00:01:01,918 --> 00:01:04,334 So, Pat, she's gonna faint. 19 00:01:04,459 --> 00:01:06,793 Okay? And then you pull her up like this. 20 00:01:06,918 --> 00:01:09,043 - Keep this very strong. - Yeah. 21 00:01:09,209 --> 00:01:11,418 Pelvis close and go for the kiss. Watch this. 22 00:01:11,543 --> 00:01:13,501 Clive, okay, I have read the script. 23 00:01:13,626 --> 00:01:15,209 Something like this? 24 00:01:16,126 --> 00:01:19,251 - I've got you. - You've got me all right. 25 00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:23,793 (WOLF-WHISTLING AND CHEERING) 26 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,668 Save it for the take, baby. 27 00:01:25,751 --> 00:01:28,501 - Plenty more where that came from. - That was okay. 28 00:01:28,668 --> 00:01:30,584 But don't open your mouth when you kiss, 29 00:01:30,709 --> 00:01:32,959 because it spreads germs all around the set. 30 00:01:33,084 --> 00:01:37,043 - When you're acting, purse your lips... - Clive, Clive! 31 00:01:37,209 --> 00:01:38,751 We weren't acting. 32 00:01:38,876 --> 00:01:40,876 - I was acting. - What? 33 00:01:41,543 --> 00:01:44,709 Ooh, hoo, hoo! Hello! 34 00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:45,793 Pow! 35 00:01:45,918 --> 00:01:48,959 This little firecracker is the real star of Mindhorn. 36 00:01:49,084 --> 00:01:52,251 - Maybe I could get more lines next time. - That's a good one! 37 00:01:52,376 --> 00:01:55,751 - That's your handbrake there. - Okay, walk away, Clive. 38 00:01:55,876 --> 00:01:57,668 Ready to shoot. 39 00:01:57,793 --> 00:01:59,501 Shoes, Clive! 40 00:01:59,626 --> 00:02:02,501 CLIVE: Shoes coming in. Shoes are safe. 41 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,709 Shoes going on. 42 00:02:08,709 --> 00:02:10,043 Shoes on. 43 00:02:11,709 --> 00:02:13,376 Okay, let's go. 44 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,001 DIRECTOR: Okay, guys, first positions. 45 00:02:17,126 --> 00:02:19,376 - You know I love you. - DIRECTOR: Turn over. 46 00:02:19,501 --> 00:02:22,251 - I love you too, honey. - SOUND GUY: Sound running. 47 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:23,793 - Truth time. - Action! 48 00:02:24,918 --> 00:02:28,501 NARRATOR: 'In 1983, Special Agent Bruce P Mindhorn was captured 49 00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:30,918 'during a secret operation on the Siberian border. 50 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:35,001 'Communist doctors performed experimental cybernetic surgery upon him. 51 00:02:35,126 --> 00:02:40,209 'They removed his eye and replaced it with a super-advanced optical lie detector 52 00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:44,293 'which meant he could literally see the truth. 53 00:02:44,876 --> 00:02:48,334 'He escaped Russia and returned home to the Isle of Man. 54 00:02:50,293 --> 00:02:52,959 'Bruce Mindhorn became the best plain-clothes detective 55 00:02:53,084 --> 00:02:55,709 'the Isle of Man had ever seen. 56 00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:59,918 'In a world of lies, one man has had enough. 57 00:03:01,334 --> 00:03:04,793 'You can't hide the truth from Mindhorn.' 58 00:03:09,293 --> 00:03:12,876 TV PRESENTER: 'Richard Thorncroft is an actor on the crest of a wave.' 59 00:03:13,001 --> 00:03:16,876 'Richard, he's strong and sprints like a panther.' 60 00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:22,584 'Acting is 95% physicality. 61 00:03:23,626 --> 00:03:25,459 'That's why I practise Capoeira.' 62 00:03:26,751 --> 00:03:29,751 PRESENTER: 'Here we see Richard demonstrating the Ginga 63 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,043 'that gives him flexibility as an actor.' 64 00:03:32,209 --> 00:03:36,459 Your mouth's saying no, but your brain's saying yes. 65 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:40,293 PRESENTER: 'In real life, Richard's eye has fallen on part-time actress 66 00:03:40,376 --> 00:03:43,043 'and full-time lovely, Patricia Deville.' 67 00:03:43,209 --> 00:03:45,626 PAT: 'Richard and I are a wonderful team, 68 00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:50,043 'both at work and hopefully in life forever.' 69 00:03:50,251 --> 00:03:52,084 PRESENTER: 'Such is the success of Mindhorn, 70 00:03:52,251 --> 00:03:54,709 'it's rumoured that Windjammer played by Peter Easterman 71 00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:57,001 'may even get his own show.' 72 00:03:58,793 --> 00:04:03,876 'Er, no, I can't envisage any kind of spin-off.' 73 00:04:04,001 --> 00:04:07,501 PRESENTER: 'Spin-offs or not, Richard's star is burning bright 74 00:04:07,626 --> 00:04:10,334 'thanks to publicity genius Jeffrey Moncrief.' 75 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:13,793 'We work hard on Mindhorn, but we play hard too. 76 00:04:13,918 --> 00:04:16,793 'Sometimes too hard. Hello, rehab!' 77 00:04:17,793 --> 00:04:21,709 PRESENTER: 'To stay at the top, you need to be remarkable on screen and off, 78 00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:24,626 'and Richard certainly knows how to play that game.' 79 00:04:25,126 --> 00:04:27,501 The Isle of Man is a... (BLEEP) hole. 80 00:04:27,626 --> 00:04:28,834 What? 81 00:04:30,084 --> 00:04:32,293 Peter Easterman is not a great actor. 82 00:04:33,043 --> 00:04:37,751 But when he is acting, at least he stands there and does stuff. 83 00:04:37,876 --> 00:04:40,418 PRESENTER: 'Whether Richard's winning awards for acting 84 00:04:40,543 --> 00:04:43,418 'or courting controversy on top-rated chat shows 85 00:04:43,543 --> 00:04:47,418 'it seems nothing can stop him heading all the way to the top.' 86 00:04:47,584 --> 00:04:49,626 'I'm going to Hollywood. Bye.' 87 00:05:02,501 --> 00:05:04,418 NEWSREADERS: 'Police in the Isle of Man say they have discovered 88 00:05:04,543 --> 00:05:07,751 'the body of a young woman washed up on Douglas Beach.' 89 00:05:07,876 --> 00:05:10,876 'Police are treating Katya Lipinskii's death as murder.' 90 00:05:11,001 --> 00:05:12,959 (SIREN WAILING) 91 00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:16,709 'Police confirm they have received phone calls from the suspect, 92 00:05:16,793 --> 00:05:19,626 'but have refused to divulge the content.' 93 00:05:29,001 --> 00:05:30,709 (PHONE RINGS) 94 00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:38,043 (RINGING CONTINUES) 95 00:05:40,709 --> 00:05:42,834 It's Plasticine. 96 00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:45,293 It's here. 97 00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,626 - Hello. - MAN: 'I've told you before. 98 00:05:53,709 --> 00:05:57,834 'There's only one person I will speak to: Detective Mindhorn.' 99 00:05:57,959 --> 00:06:00,043 - Melly? - 'My name is the Kestrel.' 100 00:06:00,209 --> 00:06:02,334 - ('SQUAWKING') - Sorry, sorry, sorry. 101 00:06:03,251 --> 00:06:05,418 - The Kestrel. - 'Thank you. 102 00:06:05,543 --> 00:06:08,043 'I'll call the police station tomorrow at 4:00pm. 103 00:06:08,209 --> 00:06:10,918 'If I'm not talking to Detective Mindhorn in person, 104 00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:13,001 'more people are going to die. 105 00:06:13,126 --> 00:06:15,418 'Signing off.' (SQUAWKING) 106 00:06:15,501 --> 00:06:17,584 (SCREAMS) 107 00:06:20,084 --> 00:06:23,043 - Chief? - Oh, great. 108 00:06:23,209 --> 00:06:26,584 Our chief suspect wants to talk to a fictional fucking detective. 109 00:06:29,251 --> 00:06:32,043 Mindhorn! It was fucking shite an' all. 110 00:06:33,918 --> 00:06:35,584 'Heard of haemotracteathosis?' 111 00:06:35,709 --> 00:06:39,126 'I think it was on the menu at my local Indian restaurant last night.' 112 00:06:39,293 --> 00:06:40,293 (BOTH LAUGH) 113 00:06:40,418 --> 00:06:42,918 'Bruce, let me help you with this case.' 114 00:06:43,043 --> 00:06:44,959 'I told you before, I work alone.' 115 00:06:45,084 --> 00:06:47,126 What are we going to do, Chief? 116 00:06:47,334 --> 00:06:50,251 CHIEF: We got 24 hours to produce a convincing Detective Mindhorn. 117 00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:54,418 We're going to have to bring the actor over to take the call. 118 00:06:54,543 --> 00:06:57,293 - Let's think about this. - Green's right. 119 00:06:57,418 --> 00:07:00,251 Believe me, I wish that he wasn't. 120 00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:02,584 Get me Mindhorn. 121 00:07:04,668 --> 00:07:06,668 DOLL: 'It's truth time.' 122 00:07:13,876 --> 00:07:17,959 RICHARD: Baboons. Baboons bring bliss. 123 00:07:18,084 --> 00:07:20,959 The Benedict Cumberbatch backlash has begun. 124 00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:29,584 You are exactly where you need to be. 125 00:07:34,251 --> 00:07:37,376 You are a powerful tiger. 126 00:07:38,251 --> 00:07:41,918 Let's do this! (WARMING UP VOCAL CHORDS) 127 00:07:42,001 --> 00:07:44,918 - Bugger, bugger. - MAN: Oi, keep it down, will you? 128 00:07:45,043 --> 00:07:47,501 - Sorry. - What are you doing in there? 129 00:07:47,626 --> 00:07:48,959 (BANGING ON DOOR) 130 00:07:49,584 --> 00:07:52,209 (HUMMING) 131 00:07:52,334 --> 00:07:54,668 # You can't handcuff the wind 132 00:07:57,543 --> 00:08:00,293 Ah, hello, lovely. Here for the casting. Richard Thorncroft. 133 00:08:00,418 --> 00:08:03,668 Oh, great. Mr Branagh's nearly ready for you, Richard... 134 00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:05,876 - Crowthorne? - Thorncroft. 135 00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:08,709 The B-Man! Kenny B! 136 00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:09,918 (CHUCKLING) 137 00:08:10,043 --> 00:08:12,293 Bloody good to see you! 138 00:08:12,918 --> 00:08:14,834 Let's crack this baby open. 139 00:08:17,668 --> 00:08:20,501 Hi. Richard Crowthorne, 11 o'clock. 140 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:22,584 Oh. 141 00:08:23,626 --> 00:08:24,751 Right. 142 00:08:24,876 --> 00:08:27,126 (JAMAICAN ACCENT) I speak the truth! 143 00:08:27,334 --> 00:08:29,709 I am afeared of no man. 144 00:08:29,834 --> 00:08:32,084 I am afeared of no creature. 145 00:08:32,251 --> 00:08:34,251 I am my own man. 146 00:08:34,376 --> 00:08:37,334 I am Clifton of Port Antonio. 147 00:08:37,459 --> 00:08:39,084 Do you feel me? 148 00:08:40,709 --> 00:08:43,668 Yeah, that's incredible. That's literally incredible. 149 00:08:43,751 --> 00:08:45,626 (CLEARS THROAT) Thank you. 150 00:08:45,709 --> 00:08:47,543 You're welcome, really. 151 00:08:47,626 --> 00:08:49,584 I don't know what to say, but thank you. 152 00:08:49,668 --> 00:08:51,084 I want to try something. 153 00:08:51,293 --> 00:08:53,876 I'd like to do it again, but this time with a brogue. 154 00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:56,626 No, I think we're good. We've got everything. 155 00:08:56,709 --> 00:08:58,959 I've seen everything I could possibly want. 156 00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:01,084 - Are you sure? - Oh, yeah. 157 00:09:01,251 --> 00:09:05,293 Well, acting aside, it's been great to catch up. 158 00:09:05,376 --> 00:09:08,709 Kenny B! This guy was one crazy hombre back in the day. 159 00:09:08,793 --> 00:09:13,126 - Remember that hotel in Maidstone? - Oh, who can forget that? 160 00:09:13,293 --> 00:09:16,793 We did a tour of the Medway Basin, and this fella... 161 00:09:16,918 --> 00:09:19,918 Well, they'll have to repaper that hotel room. 162 00:09:20,043 --> 00:09:22,959 I love what you're doing these days. Ken, I admire your balls. 163 00:09:23,793 --> 00:09:25,959 Okay. The B-Man! 164 00:09:26,084 --> 00:09:28,418 - All righty. - The Killer B! 165 00:09:29,584 --> 00:09:31,209 The Bran Flake! 166 00:09:32,959 --> 00:09:35,751 - Who was that? - Not a fucking clue. 167 00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:38,043 Hey, brother. 168 00:09:38,251 --> 00:09:40,709 You got my details? Lovely. 169 00:09:47,584 --> 00:09:50,793 PA: 'Sorry, Sarah. Front desk say Richard Thorncroft is here.' 170 00:09:50,918 --> 00:09:53,626 Oh, Christ. I'm with Simon. Tell him to wait outside. 171 00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:56,584 Ah, Richard, darling. How are you? 172 00:09:56,709 --> 00:09:58,293 PA: 'It's too late. I couldn't stop him.' 173 00:09:58,418 --> 00:10:01,501 How am I? Let me think. I haven't had an audition in 18 months. 174 00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,793 And you put me up for a schizophrenic yardie. 175 00:10:03,918 --> 00:10:07,459 - Sounds like a good part to me. - If you're a 60-year-old Jamaican man. 176 00:10:07,584 --> 00:10:10,084 I'm so sorry, Simon. I didn't realise it was you. 177 00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:12,793 Big fan, big fan. Caught your Equus in Chichester. 178 00:10:12,918 --> 00:10:15,459 - Powerful piece of work. - Great, thank you. 179 00:10:15,584 --> 00:10:17,959 And you were fantastic in, um... 180 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,293 Oh, God, my memory's gone these days. 181 00:10:20,418 --> 00:10:22,543 - Anyway, you were fantastic. - Thank you. 182 00:10:22,668 --> 00:10:24,709 Sorry about the cock-up. New assistant. 183 00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:27,293 How can you mix me up with Crowthorne? Do I not exist anymore? 184 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:30,459 - No one seems to know who I am. - Me and the Branster go way back. 185 00:10:30,584 --> 00:10:32,668 - I don't suppose you could... - Simon sweetie... 186 00:10:32,751 --> 00:10:34,626 Could you just give us a few moments? 187 00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:37,251 - I could have this salad. - Come back, two minutes. 188 00:10:40,126 --> 00:10:43,418 - What the hell's going on? - You're going through a transitional phase. 189 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,084 You said that five years ago, Sarah. 190 00:10:45,251 --> 00:10:47,918 I mean, you're moving from young, handsome hero 191 00:10:48,043 --> 00:10:50,668 to older, still very handsome... 192 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:54,376 What about my autobiography? Are there any takers, any bites? 193 00:10:54,501 --> 00:10:57,084 'It's a quiet time for actors' autobiographies.' 194 00:10:57,251 --> 00:10:59,418 It's not very quiet for Peter Easterman. 195 00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:01,376 No, I don't think so. Volume three? 196 00:11:01,543 --> 00:11:04,418 What's this one called? "What I Did Yesterday"? Ha! 197 00:11:04,543 --> 00:11:06,459 Windjammer's on its 16th season. 198 00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:08,293 'He's built a franchise. 199 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:11,251 'He's even got his own range of weatherproof clothing.' 200 00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:13,751 I did not get into this business to sell kagoules. 201 00:11:13,876 --> 00:11:17,126 - Well, you've got to sell something. - Sell this, hmm? 202 00:11:17,293 --> 00:11:20,584 This is a map of human emotion. Sell it! 203 00:11:20,709 --> 00:11:22,709 Nobody can. You haven't got profile. 204 00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:25,293 That's why you made me do the Thrombi-Sox ads. 205 00:11:25,459 --> 00:11:28,084 To give me profile. Thank God for Thrombi-Sox. 206 00:11:28,251 --> 00:11:30,584 And that is not a sentence I thought I'd ever utter. 207 00:11:30,709 --> 00:11:32,418 About Thrombi-Sox... 208 00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:35,376 - What? - They've gone in a different direction. 209 00:11:35,501 --> 00:11:37,376 'John fucking Nettle?' 210 00:11:37,459 --> 00:11:39,709 'You told the director he was an embryo.' 211 00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,626 'Well, he's about 12.' 212 00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:44,418 Sit down and calm down. Come on. 213 00:11:44,543 --> 00:11:47,671 All is not lost. I had a very interesting offer for you. 214 00:11:47,751 --> 00:11:50,251 - An offer? - From the police. 215 00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:53,418 - What do you mean? - They want you to talk to a suspect... 216 00:11:53,584 --> 00:11:56,001 See if you can lure him into custody. 217 00:11:56,084 --> 00:11:58,668 What, so this is a voiceover or something? 218 00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:00,918 Yeah, a bit like a voiceover. 219 00:12:01,043 --> 00:12:03,668 - 'He thinks Mindhorn is a real detective.' - 'What?' 220 00:12:03,751 --> 00:12:05,001 Mindhorn! That was it. 221 00:12:05,126 --> 00:12:07,418 You were wonderful. That was your Amadeus. 222 00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:09,543 Well, I mean, Amadeus was my Amadeus. 223 00:12:09,668 --> 00:12:13,626 'Fuck off, Callow! This is a private conversation with my agent!' 224 00:12:13,709 --> 00:12:15,584 Just calm down and sit down. 225 00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:18,043 - I don't want to sit down. - Then stand up, but calm down. 226 00:12:18,209 --> 00:12:19,668 I'll sit down. 227 00:12:19,751 --> 00:12:21,084 Sit down, then. 228 00:12:21,251 --> 00:12:23,793 Okay, so let's focus on this Mindhorn thing. 229 00:12:23,918 --> 00:12:26,584 - I was bloody good in Mindhorn. - You'll be even better now. 230 00:12:26,709 --> 00:12:29,084 You've matured like a fine wine. 231 00:12:29,251 --> 00:12:31,834 - A man could get drunk on that wine. - Great. 232 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,084 So go to the Isle of Man, take the call... 233 00:12:34,293 --> 00:12:36,709 - Sorry, where? - The Isle of Man. 234 00:12:36,834 --> 00:12:40,126 This isn't going to work for me. I do not go backwards in my career. 235 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,709 - I move ever forwards... - BOTH: Like a shark. 236 00:12:42,793 --> 00:12:45,793 Yes, but maybe going backwards is the new going forwards. 237 00:12:46,334 --> 00:12:48,334 Why don't you hook up with the old gang? 238 00:12:49,251 --> 00:12:51,959 Jeffrey Moncrief has got his own PR firm now. 239 00:12:52,084 --> 00:12:54,668 Jeffrey Moncrief? He went off the rails, I'm afraid. 240 00:12:54,751 --> 00:12:56,543 Looks kosher to me. 241 00:12:56,668 --> 00:12:59,501 You need all the publicity you can get from this. 242 00:12:59,626 --> 00:13:02,084 What about Pat Deville, your old flame? 243 00:13:02,251 --> 00:13:05,834 Works for Manx TV now. Profile, Richard. 244 00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:09,251 SARAH: 'Imagine: TV cop helps real cop solve crime. 245 00:13:09,376 --> 00:13:11,834 'It's PR gold. You'd be a hero! 246 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:15,209 'Do the interviews, get in the papers, remind people who you are, 247 00:13:15,293 --> 00:13:17,084 'and bang, you're back on the map. 248 00:13:17,251 --> 00:13:20,043 'Just play Mindhorn one last time.' 249 00:13:27,043 --> 00:13:28,459 Profile! 250 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,001 (PHONE RINGS) 251 00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:58,793 'Isle of Man Constabulary.' 252 00:13:58,918 --> 00:14:01,334 - I'm in. - 'Sorry, who is this?' 253 00:14:01,459 --> 00:14:03,334 (SHIP'S HORN BLASTS) 254 00:14:06,668 --> 00:14:10,501 JEFF: 'Hello. Moncrief Public Relations International Limited.' 255 00:14:10,626 --> 00:14:13,834 - Jeff! - 'Richie! Are you here?' 256 00:14:13,959 --> 00:14:16,501 Yep, I'm here. Two o'clock ferry, like we said. 257 00:14:16,626 --> 00:14:19,834 - Where are you? - 'I'm working my butt off here for you. 258 00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:23,834 'Why don't I see you at the police station once I finish up here at the office?' 259 00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:26,293 Okay, sounds good. What about the newspapers? 260 00:14:26,418 --> 00:14:28,376 The Manx Express loves it. 261 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:33,209 They're sending a photographer to get some shots of you doing the call. 262 00:14:33,334 --> 00:14:37,418 Now, we've got to get to Pat at Manx TV before she knocks off. 263 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:41,209 You know what? I think I might have time to squeeze that in before the gig. 264 00:14:41,376 --> 00:14:43,709 I bet you have, you devil! 265 00:14:43,793 --> 00:14:45,876 - (CHUCKLES) - 'Hey, come on! 266 00:14:46,001 --> 00:14:50,043 She's not married and you're the thinking woman's crumpet! 267 00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:51,918 Bye, Jeff. 268 00:14:52,043 --> 00:14:53,418 Ahoy, there! 269 00:14:54,709 --> 00:14:58,709 This is the old stomping ground, back in the old wild-oats-sowing days. 270 00:14:58,793 --> 00:15:01,084 PC GREEN: Yeah, there's very good soil here. 271 00:15:01,251 --> 00:15:03,626 (VIDEO) 'Welcome to the Isle of Man, 272 00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:07,584 'isle of adventure, isle of romance... I'll have some of that!' 273 00:15:07,709 --> 00:15:11,918 - Mr Thorncroft, DS Baines. - Enchanté. Call me Richard. 274 00:15:12,001 --> 00:15:14,709 PC Green and I will be overseeing your stay here. 275 00:15:14,793 --> 00:15:16,876 - Roger that. - We really appreciate this. 276 00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:19,543 - I know you're a busy man. - I had to move things around. 277 00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:22,376 But work is work. This is more important. 278 00:15:22,501 --> 00:15:23,959 Let's save some lives. 279 00:15:25,084 --> 00:15:26,709 - This us? - Yeah, yeah. 280 00:15:34,959 --> 00:15:36,209 Thanks. 281 00:15:38,209 --> 00:15:39,793 - You in? - Yeah, yeah, great. 282 00:15:42,001 --> 00:15:44,251 GREEN: Melly thought Mindhorn was real. 283 00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:48,209 RICHARD: Yeah, well, three years at RADA give a man some skills. 284 00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:50,501 - Were you a fan of the show? - My mum liked it. 285 00:15:50,584 --> 00:15:53,126 Ah, a woman of taste. 286 00:15:53,293 --> 00:15:55,834 - Is she single? - She's dead. 287 00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:58,959 We'll give you a knock in 20 minutes. 288 00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:02,043 - Lovely. - Stay in the room for your safety. 289 00:16:02,209 --> 00:16:04,126 Sure thing, big guy. 290 00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:19,834 - You gonna be there the whole time? - That's right. 291 00:16:19,959 --> 00:16:22,709 Good, really good news. 292 00:16:22,793 --> 00:16:26,709 I'm gonna be doing some meditating, so... 293 00:16:26,834 --> 00:16:28,376 - Do you meditate? - No. 294 00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:30,376 - Something to think about. - Thanks. 295 00:16:30,501 --> 00:16:32,543 Sorry about your mum. 296 00:16:33,668 --> 00:16:34,876 Shit! 297 00:16:52,626 --> 00:16:54,126 I'm just meeting someone here. 298 00:16:54,293 --> 00:16:57,293 - PAT: She let you do that to her? - Not for the first time. 299 00:16:57,418 --> 00:17:00,834 PAT: Anyway, download that footage and get that sent over. 300 00:17:00,959 --> 00:17:04,709 Yeah, it's an offer or nothing. Just the way I play it, Jeremy. 301 00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:07,209 Bloody hell! I'll call you back. 302 00:17:07,751 --> 00:17:09,418 Patricia Deville. 303 00:17:10,459 --> 00:17:11,501 Don't tell me. 304 00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:14,709 - Sorry, it's gone. - You're joking? 305 00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,459 We did live together for over two and a half years. 306 00:17:18,334 --> 00:17:19,876 We certainly did. 307 00:17:20,001 --> 00:17:21,584 What are you doing here? 308 00:17:21,709 --> 00:17:24,834 Oh, you know, work, meetings. Busy, busy. You know how it is. 309 00:17:24,959 --> 00:17:28,668 - What are you doing here? - I'm a journalist now. I work here. 310 00:17:28,751 --> 00:17:30,251 Get out of town! 311 00:17:31,543 --> 00:17:35,251 That's amazing. Actually, I might just have something for you. 312 00:17:35,376 --> 00:17:36,793 Is it weed killer? 313 00:17:37,418 --> 00:17:39,793 - Hmm? - You left our house to get weed killer... 314 00:17:39,876 --> 00:17:43,084 ...24 years ago. I haven't seen you since. 315 00:17:43,251 --> 00:17:46,834 - I see what you're doing. - The weeds are really out of control now. 316 00:17:46,959 --> 00:17:49,876 - I explained my departure in the letters. - The letters? 317 00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:52,418 Yeah, the letters that you failed to respond to. 318 00:17:55,251 --> 00:17:57,668 - Let's not do this. - Let's not even go there. 319 00:17:57,751 --> 00:18:01,126 I'm only here for a couple of days and I'm about to launch something big. 320 00:18:01,334 --> 00:18:04,626 - I was thinking... - You want to use me for publicity, right? 321 00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:06,501 You need some profile. Is that it? 322 00:18:06,626 --> 00:18:09,459 Way off, Pat. I can't talk about the details right now. 323 00:18:09,626 --> 00:18:12,918 Let's just say, it's an interesting little acting job. 324 00:18:13,043 --> 00:18:15,459 Right. I thought maybe you'd given up acting. 325 00:18:15,584 --> 00:18:17,793 Obviously didn't catch me in Midsummer Murders. 326 00:18:17,959 --> 00:18:20,376 That's what made me think you'd given up. 327 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,543 Pow! Ooh, you got me. 328 00:18:23,626 --> 00:18:26,084 Look at this. Laughin' and a-jokin' like old times. 329 00:18:26,293 --> 00:18:27,834 Got to run. 330 00:18:27,959 --> 00:18:31,918 You'd be foolish to walk away from what I'm about to plonk down on the table. 331 00:18:32,001 --> 00:18:33,959 I'm a serious journalist now. 332 00:18:34,043 --> 00:18:36,709 Maybe catching the psychotic killer, Paul Melly, 333 00:18:36,793 --> 00:18:38,959 isn't a serious enough story for you. 334 00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:47,709 There's a press gag on that case. How do you know about it? 335 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:52,459 Why don't we grab a bite and I'll give you the full exposé? 336 00:18:52,584 --> 00:18:56,084 - You mean exclusive. - Whatever you say. 337 00:18:57,126 --> 00:18:59,751 - Let's talk later. - Let's do that. 338 00:19:07,251 --> 00:19:09,459 Still got it. Ha-ha! 339 00:19:09,543 --> 00:19:10,709 Shit! 340 00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:19,251 - Where is he? - He said he was meditating. 341 00:19:20,918 --> 00:19:23,418 Went pretty deep, threw in a bit of Capoeira. 342 00:19:24,543 --> 00:19:25,876 Right. 343 00:19:26,001 --> 00:19:27,418 Let's nail this mother! 344 00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:28,751 Sorry. 345 00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:32,001 The suspect's name is Paul Melly, 346 00:19:32,126 --> 00:19:35,751 and he might be using the island's extensive mine system to evade capture. 347 00:19:35,876 --> 00:19:37,709 Mine system? Clever bugger. 348 00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:39,918 Do you recognise him, Richard? 349 00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:43,709 Oh, my God. It's my agent. 350 00:19:43,793 --> 00:19:45,668 Only joking! 351 00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:48,584 Could I get an Americano with hot milk? 352 00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:51,876 Tragically, the boy's parents were killed in a car crash when he was nine. 353 00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:54,834 And when he was informed, he was watching Mindhorn, 354 00:19:54,959 --> 00:19:58,209 so he has developed a sort of morbid obsession with the show. 355 00:19:58,334 --> 00:20:00,501 Could've been worse, could've been Windjammer. 356 00:20:00,626 --> 00:20:03,293 Yeah, well, he is calling in 15 minutes, Richard, 357 00:20:03,418 --> 00:20:06,626 and... he's calling himself the Kestrel. 358 00:20:06,709 --> 00:20:10,126 Now, he might make some sort of kestrel noises. 359 00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:11,543 Kestrel noises, good. 360 00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:14,668 Look, I've got friends coming. Can I put a list on reception? 361 00:20:14,751 --> 00:20:17,751 - A list at reception? - Yeah, Jeffrey Moncrief plus one. 362 00:20:17,876 --> 00:20:19,918 GREEN: This is Chief Inspector Newson. 363 00:20:20,043 --> 00:20:23,709 Ah, the head honcho. El honcherino. The Big Cheese. 364 00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:26,501 - You look familiar. Did we golf? - No. 365 00:20:26,584 --> 00:20:29,418 I wanted to talk to you about the press conference. 366 00:20:29,543 --> 00:20:31,629 We could co-host, but I'm camera trained. 367 00:20:31,709 --> 00:20:34,876 Sometimes, police can come across as weird and sweaty-looking. 368 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:38,834 Mr Thorncroft, you are aware of the seriousness of the situation? 369 00:20:38,959 --> 00:20:41,959 Big time. Yes, indeed. We'll hash out the details later. 370 00:20:42,084 --> 00:20:45,668 - Is there a dressing room? - You know how phones work, right? 371 00:20:45,751 --> 00:20:48,459 - Do you know how acting works? - I'm not interested. 372 00:20:48,584 --> 00:20:50,251 We all have our process. 373 00:20:50,376 --> 00:20:53,668 Sometimes an item of clothing or footwear can define a character. 374 00:20:53,751 --> 00:20:55,751 You have your costume, I have mine. 375 00:20:55,876 --> 00:20:57,671 This isn't a costume. 376 00:20:57,751 --> 00:21:01,376 This is an officially sanctioned uniform denoting rank and civic responsibility. 377 00:21:01,543 --> 00:21:04,751 It's still a kind of costume. You put it on to play the Chief. 378 00:21:04,876 --> 00:21:08,209 Then later on, you take it off when you go home to your wife. 379 00:21:08,293 --> 00:21:09,709 Or maybe you don't. 380 00:21:09,876 --> 00:21:11,918 - All the world's a stage. - No, it isn't. 381 00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:13,876 A young woman has been murdered. 382 00:21:14,043 --> 00:21:17,459 We're trying to catch her killer before he does it again. 383 00:21:17,584 --> 00:21:19,709 - Okay. - Do you want to get changed in here? 384 00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:23,668 What's wrong with him? Lost his truncheon? 385 00:21:25,376 --> 00:21:29,043 Jeff, the cops are being a bit bloody stingy with their door policy. 386 00:21:29,209 --> 00:21:30,376 Ah, bastards! 387 00:21:30,501 --> 00:21:34,709 We'll have to get the photographer to take the photos outside, looking in. 388 00:21:34,834 --> 00:21:37,376 I'm on the first floor. I'll favour the north side. 389 00:21:37,501 --> 00:21:39,084 'North windows. Got it.' 390 00:21:39,251 --> 00:21:42,084 - 'Are you nearly here?' - I'm running a tad late, Richie. 391 00:21:42,251 --> 00:21:44,959 I had to tidy up the Glendale account. 392 00:21:45,084 --> 00:21:47,334 Will you speed things up there, Barbara? 393 00:21:47,459 --> 00:21:50,751 'It's great to be heading back to the big time with you, Richie.' 394 00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:54,501 - 'Wish me luck.' - You are going to be great, Richie. 395 00:21:54,668 --> 00:21:56,084 Tits and teeth, eh? 396 00:21:59,501 --> 00:22:01,876 Hello, old friend. 397 00:22:02,001 --> 00:22:04,001 (MINDHORN THEME) 398 00:22:30,084 --> 00:22:31,668 - Richard. - Bainesy. 399 00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:34,709 When Melly calls, stay in character at all times. 400 00:22:34,793 --> 00:22:36,876 Don't worry. When I go in, I go deep. 401 00:22:37,001 --> 00:22:39,709 Ah, the old two-way mirrors. I love these things. 402 00:22:41,043 --> 00:22:44,001 Okay, here's a list of prompts. Just stick to script. 403 00:22:44,084 --> 00:22:46,418 And avoid any of these trigger words. 404 00:22:46,543 --> 00:22:50,293 "Insane, nutjob, mental." Blah, blah, blah, usual stuff. 405 00:22:50,418 --> 00:22:52,293 - This the phone? - That is the phone. 406 00:22:52,376 --> 00:22:53,584 - Great. - Yeah. 407 00:22:57,834 --> 00:22:59,043 Yeah. 408 00:23:00,501 --> 00:23:02,626 It's going to be okay. 409 00:23:11,584 --> 00:23:13,751 If you could just keep it in the cradle. 410 00:23:13,876 --> 00:23:15,709 Just connecting with the props. 411 00:23:15,834 --> 00:23:19,876 So, when he calls, keep him on the line, keep him talking, 412 00:23:20,501 --> 00:23:22,709 arrange to meet and we'll take it from there. 413 00:23:23,751 --> 00:23:26,629 Here you go, Richard. I couldn't find any Manuka honey. 414 00:23:26,709 --> 00:23:29,126 - Oh. Two teabags, though? - Yeah, like you said. 415 00:23:29,293 --> 00:23:31,709 Good. A little tip I picked up from Sean Bean. 416 00:23:31,793 --> 00:23:33,876 Double-bag Bean, we called him. The Bean Bag! 417 00:23:35,293 --> 00:23:36,751 (PHONE RINGS) 418 00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,126 This is it. 419 00:23:40,293 --> 00:23:42,293 RICHARD: Shoes going on. 420 00:23:44,834 --> 00:23:46,668 Shoes on. 421 00:23:48,334 --> 00:23:50,959 Yeah, whenever you're ready, Richard. 422 00:23:52,584 --> 00:23:54,418 (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) 423 00:24:01,293 --> 00:24:04,001 Yep, whenever you're ready, Richard. 424 00:24:06,126 --> 00:24:07,709 Oh, Jesus! Answer it. 425 00:24:07,793 --> 00:24:11,251 - Fucking clown! - Mindhorn makes people wait. 426 00:24:11,376 --> 00:24:14,626 And when they wait, they become angry and they become vulnerable, 427 00:24:14,709 --> 00:24:18,043 and when they're vulnerable, they make mistakes. 428 00:24:18,209 --> 00:24:20,918 - Yo, what's going down? - (CONTINUOUS BEEP) 429 00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:22,709 Hello? Hello? 430 00:24:22,793 --> 00:24:24,709 He's hung up. 431 00:24:24,834 --> 00:24:27,126 You might want to try 1471. 432 00:24:27,251 --> 00:24:28,876 (PHONE RINGS AGAIN) 433 00:24:29,001 --> 00:24:30,751 Yo, what's going down, Kestrel? 434 00:24:30,918 --> 00:24:34,293 - 'Do you remember me?' - Course I do. What do you want, sir? 435 00:24:34,418 --> 00:24:38,293 - 'I have something for you, Mindhorn.' - That's nice. Is it my birthday? 436 00:24:38,418 --> 00:24:40,376 He's close, maybe in a phone box. 437 00:24:40,501 --> 00:24:43,501 The only present I'm interested in is the truth. 438 00:24:43,626 --> 00:24:47,834 And don't bother wrapping it, because I don't care for pretty packaging. 439 00:24:47,959 --> 00:24:50,376 'How do I know this is really you?' 440 00:24:50,501 --> 00:24:54,793 How do I know it's really you, Kestrel, and not some insane, mental nutjob? 441 00:24:55,709 --> 00:24:58,876 'Why would you say that? I'm the Kestrel!' 442 00:24:59,043 --> 00:25:01,668 ('SQUAWKING') 443 00:25:01,751 --> 00:25:05,751 - 'More people are going to die.' - We're all going to die. Get over it. 444 00:25:05,876 --> 00:25:08,209 Some with a bang, some with a whimper, 445 00:25:08,376 --> 00:25:10,459 some with a weird wasting disease. 446 00:25:10,584 --> 00:25:12,668 (MELLY LAUGHS) 447 00:25:12,751 --> 00:25:15,459 - 'Oh, it really is you.' - Gold star, Kestrel. 448 00:25:15,584 --> 00:25:18,376 Now tell me something I don't already bloody know. 449 00:25:18,501 --> 00:25:23,209 'You want to catch Katya's killer, don't you? Well, get this... 450 00:25:24,543 --> 00:25:26,709 'What's that noise? Is there anyone else there? 451 00:25:26,834 --> 00:25:28,876 Negative, sir. Mindhorn works alone. 452 00:25:29,001 --> 00:25:32,668 Listen, big guy, why don't we grab some face-to-face time? 453 00:25:32,751 --> 00:25:35,209 - Where are you calling from? - 'No, it's not safe. 454 00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:37,709 'The piggies are listening. You know the quarry?' 455 00:25:37,793 --> 00:25:40,584 - Of course I know. - 'Good. I'll meet you outside it.' 456 00:25:40,709 --> 00:25:42,334 - See you there. - 'Come alone.' 457 00:25:42,459 --> 00:25:44,459 - I always do. - Which quarry? 458 00:25:44,584 --> 00:25:46,293 - No idea. Did you get a trace? - No. 459 00:25:46,376 --> 00:25:49,209 What kind of an outfit is this? That is a rookie mistake. 460 00:25:49,834 --> 00:25:50,918 Hey. 461 00:25:51,084 --> 00:25:55,959 - You were meant to keep him on the line. - That's not the way the scene played out. 462 00:25:56,084 --> 00:25:59,834 - There's a quarry at Vazon Edge. - That's where we did all our car chases. 463 00:25:59,918 --> 00:26:02,584 That's where he'll be. Go get him, team. 464 00:26:03,459 --> 00:26:06,043 - Prick! - Oh, dear. 465 00:26:06,126 --> 00:26:07,918 Someone's not a happy bunny. 466 00:26:08,043 --> 00:26:10,834 I remember now, it was his wife I used to play golf with, 467 00:26:10,959 --> 00:26:12,751 if you catch my drift. 468 00:26:14,251 --> 00:26:16,834 Hole in one. Didn't think he knew. 469 00:26:16,959 --> 00:26:20,334 Er... Why did Melly say outside the quarry? 470 00:26:20,459 --> 00:26:21,584 (PHONE BEEPS) 471 00:26:21,709 --> 00:26:25,293 Do you think "the quarry" meant something different on Mindhorn? 472 00:26:25,459 --> 00:26:28,376 A quarry's a quarry. I wouldn't overthink these things. 473 00:26:28,501 --> 00:26:30,501 Just going to go and drain the python. 474 00:26:31,084 --> 00:26:33,959 Then we can have a natter about the press conference. 475 00:26:34,084 --> 00:26:35,709 (SIRENS WAILING) 476 00:26:35,876 --> 00:26:38,709 CHIEF: 'ETA to Vazon Edge quarry: four minutes.' 477 00:26:47,043 --> 00:26:50,626 All cars, the quarry is the police station. Melly is here. Over. 478 00:26:50,709 --> 00:26:53,418 CHIEF: 'Roger that. Diverting.' 479 00:26:53,584 --> 00:26:56,459 Turn around. Do it now! 480 00:26:56,584 --> 00:27:00,251 BAINES: What are you doing? CHIEF: Move the fucking van, you prick! 481 00:27:01,084 --> 00:27:02,334 Richard! 482 00:27:13,918 --> 00:27:18,293 Thorncroft's gone. I repeat, I have lost eyes on Thorncroft. 483 00:27:18,418 --> 00:27:19,376 Shit. 484 00:27:19,501 --> 00:27:21,918 Okay, you got the action shot through the window. 485 00:27:22,043 --> 00:27:24,584 - Why don't we hit the park? - Good plan. 486 00:27:24,709 --> 00:27:28,793 GREEN: 'Thorncroft may be in danger. The suspect was outside the station.' 487 00:27:29,459 --> 00:27:31,793 That'd be a great backdrop. I'll be here. 488 00:27:31,918 --> 00:27:33,876 Obviously I'll pull this in on the day. 489 00:27:34,001 --> 00:27:37,126 - Good to go. - Your face has fallen down. 490 00:27:37,334 --> 00:27:40,251 - It's all baggy. - Yeah. Do you mind? We all age. 491 00:27:40,376 --> 00:27:44,834 Use back light, soften the focus. I'm not going to tell you your job. Jesus! 492 00:27:44,959 --> 00:27:46,876 - Jeff? - 'Richie, where are you?' 493 00:27:47,001 --> 00:27:49,959 I'm with the photographer. He's a bit weird. Where are you? 494 00:27:50,084 --> 00:27:52,668 'I'm with the photographer outside the station.' 495 00:27:52,751 --> 00:27:54,709 You must have made quite an impression. 496 00:27:54,834 --> 00:27:57,709 There's police running about like headless chickens. 497 00:27:57,834 --> 00:28:00,251 (SQUAWKING) 498 00:28:00,376 --> 00:28:03,459 'Are you celebrating already? Richie?' 499 00:28:04,418 --> 00:28:06,834 Clever Mindhorn. 500 00:28:06,918 --> 00:28:09,209 It's time. 501 00:28:10,501 --> 00:28:14,418 Time for the apocalypse of justice. 502 00:28:19,251 --> 00:28:21,376 - Aargh! Ooh! - (THUD) 503 00:28:33,709 --> 00:28:35,251 Mindhorn. 504 00:28:35,376 --> 00:28:37,126 Please, no. 505 00:28:37,293 --> 00:28:39,584 Look into my eyes. 506 00:28:40,834 --> 00:28:43,543 - Can you see the truth? - Yeah. 507 00:28:43,668 --> 00:28:46,793 Did you receive the evidence I sent to your house? 508 00:28:46,918 --> 00:28:48,876 Yes, definitely. 509 00:28:49,001 --> 00:28:51,209 You did? Then you know I'm innocent. 510 00:28:51,376 --> 00:28:53,751 - Are you on the case? - Yes, sir. 511 00:28:54,918 --> 00:28:55,918 (SCREAMS) 512 00:29:02,293 --> 00:29:06,084 - It's pretend, see? - Melly, step away from the actor. 513 00:29:06,251 --> 00:29:09,459 - Stay down, Richard. - See you at the wheel, Mindhorn. 514 00:29:09,584 --> 00:29:11,918 Shoot him! Shoot him in the head! 515 00:29:23,668 --> 00:29:28,751 My next guest is a celebrated actor and now an award-winning writer. 516 00:29:28,876 --> 00:29:31,501 Richard Thorncroft, welcome to the show. 517 00:29:31,626 --> 00:29:33,043 Hello. 518 00:29:33,209 --> 00:29:36,793 So you've finished your book, which is not only deeply entertaining, 519 00:29:36,918 --> 00:29:40,876 it is also the first actor's autobiography to be nominated for a Booker Prize. 520 00:29:41,668 --> 00:29:44,834 You've embarked on a production of Hamlet with Kenneth Branagh, 521 00:29:44,959 --> 00:29:49,251 and become a hero by making this island safe for vulnerable women like myself. 522 00:29:49,376 --> 00:29:51,418 - You're welcome. - Thank you. 523 00:29:52,126 --> 00:29:55,043 Apparently, after the shock of the accident, your hair grew back. 524 00:29:55,209 --> 00:29:58,459 Yes, it's a medical phenomenon known as follicle neogenesis. 525 00:29:58,584 --> 00:30:01,293 'And conversely, when I heard about the accident, 526 00:30:01,418 --> 00:30:02,751 'all my hair fell out.' 527 00:30:02,876 --> 00:30:06,001 Thanks, Ken, but we're talking about Richard at the moment. 528 00:30:06,126 --> 00:30:09,459 - 'Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry, Rich.' - No probs, Ken. 529 00:30:09,584 --> 00:30:11,293 'Okay.' 530 00:30:11,418 --> 00:30:14,626 - May I? - Fill your boots. 531 00:30:15,126 --> 00:30:17,376 - Mm, that's it. - Oh. 532 00:30:17,501 --> 00:30:18,918 Don't be afraid. 533 00:30:19,584 --> 00:30:24,834 'With that audition, he changed the way that people think about making art. 534 00:30:25,709 --> 00:30:27,959 'Politically, he's become very important. 535 00:30:28,126 --> 00:30:30,418 'For me, there is no one else. 536 00:30:30,543 --> 00:30:35,043 'It's, like, Mandela, Ben Kingsley, and then there is Richard.' 537 00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:36,543 Richard... 538 00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:40,293 I'm going to give you the best Manx Day you've ever had. 539 00:30:40,418 --> 00:30:41,876 (GASPS) 540 00:30:42,001 --> 00:30:45,584 'Of course, the parade is at the heart of Manx Day. 541 00:30:45,709 --> 00:30:48,209 'Always has been, always will be...' 542 00:30:57,668 --> 00:31:00,334 - Richie, baby! - Jeffrey Moncrief! 543 00:31:00,501 --> 00:31:02,459 Good to see you! 544 00:31:03,584 --> 00:31:06,501 Look at you! The years have treated you well. 545 00:31:06,626 --> 00:31:09,543 - You too. - Ah, don't lie. I'm a fucking wreck. 546 00:31:09,668 --> 00:31:11,793 - But who cares? You did it. - That's right. 547 00:31:11,959 --> 00:31:14,001 They got him. You're a hero. 548 00:31:14,126 --> 00:31:16,501 I don't think you can smoke in hospitals, Jeff. 549 00:31:16,584 --> 00:31:18,626 - Since when? - Since the '50s. 550 00:31:18,709 --> 00:31:20,793 Oh, right. How did it go with Pat? 551 00:31:20,918 --> 00:31:23,709 Very well, actually. I think we might just be in there. 552 00:31:23,793 --> 00:31:26,293 - I'll bet you are, eh? - Strictly business. 553 00:31:26,418 --> 00:31:29,918 Oh, good, because when your heroics hit the front page, 554 00:31:30,043 --> 00:31:32,084 you'll have minge coming out your arse. 555 00:31:32,209 --> 00:31:33,543 Ah, lovely. 556 00:31:33,668 --> 00:31:35,584 You remember these guys? 557 00:31:35,709 --> 00:31:38,126 "Nutmeg, the druid detective." 558 00:31:38,293 --> 00:31:41,834 "Moonshaft: he's blind, he's black and he's back." 559 00:31:41,959 --> 00:31:43,543 They're out on DVD? 560 00:31:43,626 --> 00:31:46,043 Ten grand apiece they got, and they were shite! 561 00:31:46,209 --> 00:31:49,459 Mindhorn had a metal eye that could see the truth. 562 00:31:49,584 --> 00:31:52,543 What did Nutmeg have? Some fucking joss sticks! 563 00:31:52,668 --> 00:31:56,459 - This is interesting, Jeff. - Aye, and Pete thinks so too. 564 00:31:56,584 --> 00:32:00,459 He even wants to release it through his production company. 565 00:32:00,584 --> 00:32:03,126 - Pete Easterman? - The Windjammer himself. 566 00:32:03,293 --> 00:32:06,293 This is a bad idea, Jeff. Pete and I have a history. 567 00:32:06,418 --> 00:32:09,629 - Things have been said. - That's all water under the bridge. 568 00:32:09,709 --> 00:32:13,043 Pete insisted you come to his country club this evening. 569 00:32:13,209 --> 00:32:14,793 He wants to make it happen. 570 00:32:14,876 --> 00:32:18,418 Mindhorn, series one to three on DVD. 571 00:32:18,584 --> 00:32:21,459 How do you like those apples? 572 00:32:21,584 --> 00:32:24,001 This is actually a bloody good idea. 573 00:32:24,126 --> 00:32:26,334 I told you, eh? Lovely. 574 00:32:26,418 --> 00:32:28,501 Seven o'clock, Jammer's club. 575 00:32:28,626 --> 00:32:33,709 Lock up your pussy. The wolf pack is back on the prowl! 576 00:32:33,793 --> 00:32:36,418 It's a hospital, Jeff. Keep it down a little bit. 577 00:32:36,543 --> 00:32:39,834 Flange ahoy, Richie. Flange ahoy. 578 00:32:39,918 --> 00:32:41,251 Yes, indeed. 579 00:32:42,293 --> 00:32:45,876 PAT ON TV: 'More on that unfolding tragedy later. 580 00:32:46,001 --> 00:32:48,626 'Why does the Manx cat have no tail? 581 00:32:49,376 --> 00:32:53,043 'Some say they swam ashore during a shipwreck in the 16th century. 582 00:32:53,209 --> 00:32:55,334 'Others say it's a genetic mutation...' 583 00:32:59,543 --> 00:33:01,459 - Chekhov! - (CAT MEOWS) 584 00:33:01,584 --> 00:33:02,918 Chekhov! 585 00:33:03,043 --> 00:33:05,084 (PHONE RINGS) 586 00:33:06,959 --> 00:33:09,418 - Hello. - 'Hello, you.' 587 00:33:09,543 --> 00:33:11,084 - Hello, Richard. - 'Hello.' 588 00:33:11,209 --> 00:33:13,459 So, you're still at the Heights. 589 00:33:14,376 --> 00:33:16,709 Yes, that's a good guess. 590 00:33:16,876 --> 00:33:18,626 So, I hear they caught Melly. 591 00:33:18,709 --> 00:33:22,834 'Yeah, that lunatic won't be troubling the women of this island no more. 592 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,543 - Quite a story. - 'I like to think so.' 593 00:33:25,668 --> 00:33:28,418 Richard Thorncroft does something for somebody else. 594 00:33:28,543 --> 00:33:30,626 'Pow. I walked into that.' 595 00:33:30,709 --> 00:33:34,459 - 'Where are you at the moment?' - Oh, I'm staying at the Grand. 596 00:33:34,626 --> 00:33:38,501 That's where they've put me up, anyway, you know, for my sins. 597 00:33:38,626 --> 00:33:43,293 It's nice, you know, a little suite. One of those little... suites. 598 00:33:43,418 --> 00:33:47,126 Ooh, sorry, just slipped on a breakfast tray. 599 00:33:47,293 --> 00:33:49,584 Ha! Bloody room service. 600 00:33:49,668 --> 00:33:52,084 Yeah, I mean, who'd have thought 601 00:33:52,251 --> 00:33:56,334 you and I would've ended up drifting like two lonely boats on the sea of life? 602 00:33:57,751 --> 00:34:01,001 Just two boats who crossed once before 603 00:34:01,084 --> 00:34:03,876 and are now crossing again on the return charter, 604 00:34:04,001 --> 00:34:07,376 looking for that safe harbour, that magical other person. 605 00:34:07,501 --> 00:34:11,543 That other person can be staring you in the face and you never even realise it. 606 00:34:11,668 --> 00:34:12,668 Hey, Richie. 607 00:34:15,126 --> 00:34:17,543 - Clive. - Wow! 608 00:34:17,668 --> 00:34:20,626 - Wow, so good to see you! - It's so good to see you. 609 00:34:20,709 --> 00:34:22,918 What are you doing in my garden, man? 610 00:34:23,001 --> 00:34:25,418 - What are you doing in the garden? - I live here. 611 00:34:25,543 --> 00:34:28,126 Yeah... What, in the garden? 612 00:34:28,251 --> 00:34:31,209 No, silly. I live here with Pat. 613 00:34:31,334 --> 00:34:34,126 We've been together for many years now, since you left. 614 00:34:34,293 --> 00:34:35,751 - You know that, right? - Yeah. 615 00:34:35,876 --> 00:34:38,043 - You're joking with me. - That's old news. 616 00:34:38,251 --> 00:34:39,584 - Joke. - Oh, wow! 617 00:34:39,668 --> 00:34:42,584 So, what are you doing in the garden? 618 00:34:42,709 --> 00:34:43,834 Yeah. 619 00:34:44,959 --> 00:34:46,876 Just coming to get some fan mail. 620 00:34:46,959 --> 00:34:49,751 - I popped round to get it. - We get that from time to time. 621 00:34:49,876 --> 00:34:52,126 - So I thought... - What's with the flowers? 622 00:34:52,751 --> 00:34:55,293 I've got a funeral later to do. 623 00:34:55,376 --> 00:34:57,459 - I guess you're at that age. - Yeah, sad. 624 00:34:57,584 --> 00:34:59,668 - Anyone I know? - John Nettles. 625 00:34:59,751 --> 00:35:02,293 John Nettles? Shit. I know John really well. 626 00:35:02,418 --> 00:35:05,793 - Not that John Nettles, another one. - Oh, okay, that's a relief. 627 00:35:05,918 --> 00:35:07,459 Come in. My God, come in! 628 00:35:07,584 --> 00:35:09,626 - Pat's gonna love to see you. - Yeah... 629 00:35:09,709 --> 00:35:12,626 - Everyone wants to see you. - That's very nice of you. 630 00:35:12,709 --> 00:35:15,709 - Everyone? - Keys to the Range Rover, please. 631 00:35:15,834 --> 00:35:17,668 Hey, Jasmine, look who it is. 632 00:35:17,793 --> 00:35:19,001 It's Mindhorn. 633 00:35:21,001 --> 00:35:23,459 I used to be his stuntman. Can you believe it? 634 00:35:23,584 --> 00:35:25,376 Look at him now. Look at this. 635 00:35:25,501 --> 00:35:28,501 - What is this here? - It's called living the high life. 636 00:35:28,626 --> 00:35:30,126 Yeah? Too many biscuits. 637 00:35:30,334 --> 00:35:33,376 - Ah, champagne, you know. - Too many Garibaldis. 638 00:35:33,501 --> 00:35:36,626 - Steak and rich cheese. - At least he covers himself up. 639 00:35:36,709 --> 00:35:39,209 - Can you put some trousers on? - She's joking. 640 00:35:39,334 --> 00:35:42,209 She's very funny. She has her mother's tongue. 641 00:35:43,668 --> 00:35:46,709 - Richard Thorncroft. - Yeah, look at him. There he is. 642 00:35:46,793 --> 00:35:49,501 - I've heard a lot about you. - All of it good, I hope. 643 00:35:50,251 --> 00:35:52,376 CLIVE: Oh, watch out! 644 00:35:53,376 --> 00:35:54,668 This guy, okay, 645 00:35:54,751 --> 00:35:58,834 this guy used to make me tell everybody he did his own stunts. 646 00:35:58,959 --> 00:36:02,001 - Well, I did a few. - No, no, you naughty liar. 647 00:36:02,126 --> 00:36:04,334 - That's not lying. - You never did any. 648 00:36:04,459 --> 00:36:06,709 - You naughty, naughty boy. - I did some. 649 00:36:06,793 --> 00:36:09,418 - He couldn't even drive a car. - But now I have passed. 650 00:36:09,543 --> 00:36:13,293 I'd love to stay and watch you two verbally sparring, but I have to go. 651 00:36:13,418 --> 00:36:14,834 Mum, are you ready? 652 00:36:15,709 --> 00:36:18,501 Hey, Pat, look what I found in the garden. 653 00:36:18,626 --> 00:36:20,459 It's a Richard Thorncroft tree. 654 00:36:20,584 --> 00:36:22,918 I cut him down and brought him in the house. 655 00:36:24,418 --> 00:36:27,959 Richard, what are you doing here? You said you were at the Grand. 656 00:36:28,043 --> 00:36:30,668 Oh, I can answer that. He's come for some fan mail. 657 00:36:30,751 --> 00:36:33,626 You're getting your fan mail? Oh, I'm really touched. 658 00:36:33,751 --> 00:36:36,668 There's some in the garage. I'll go and fetch it for you. 659 00:36:37,709 --> 00:36:39,709 Oh, don't go getting back together. 660 00:36:39,834 --> 00:36:42,918 I'm kidding. Look at him. He's so fat now. He's a mess. 661 00:36:43,043 --> 00:36:44,668 RICHARD: Oh, he's great. 662 00:36:45,959 --> 00:36:47,209 Um... 663 00:36:48,876 --> 00:36:50,668 Clive. 664 00:36:50,751 --> 00:36:52,084 Clive. 665 00:36:52,251 --> 00:36:53,709 Clive, hm... 666 00:36:53,834 --> 00:36:56,543 - You want to talk about Clive? - I don't, no. 667 00:36:56,709 --> 00:37:00,293 I mean, obviously he's a great bloke. Lovely bloke, great choice. 668 00:37:00,418 --> 00:37:02,501 Look, I think I might scoot. 669 00:37:02,626 --> 00:37:05,501 - We should do that interview, though. - Sure. 670 00:37:05,626 --> 00:37:08,626 Why don't you pop round to Manx TV tomorrow? 671 00:37:08,709 --> 00:37:09,959 Okay. 672 00:37:15,043 --> 00:37:16,876 - See you tomorrow. - Wrong way. 673 00:37:16,959 --> 00:37:17,959 Yeah. 674 00:37:19,793 --> 00:37:21,001 CLIVE: Hey, Richie. 675 00:37:21,084 --> 00:37:23,834 I want to show you something. You're gonna like it. 676 00:37:23,959 --> 00:37:27,626 - I've got to get to this funeral. - Oh, hey, look at this, huh? 677 00:37:29,376 --> 00:37:31,376 - Memories, huh? - Yes, sir. 678 00:37:31,501 --> 00:37:35,251 When I found her, she was on the scrap heap. Can you believe that? 679 00:37:35,376 --> 00:37:39,959 She was pretty busted up. One careless owner. 680 00:37:40,084 --> 00:37:42,709 But then I brought her here, fixed her up, 681 00:37:42,793 --> 00:37:45,043 gave her the care and attention she needed, 682 00:37:45,126 --> 00:37:48,001 and now she goes like a dream. 683 00:37:49,001 --> 00:37:53,709 Take her out for a ride every single day. 684 00:37:55,084 --> 00:37:57,793 And then I fixed up the car. 685 00:38:01,459 --> 00:38:03,709 - I was talking about Pat. - Yeah. 686 00:38:03,793 --> 00:38:05,709 - Not the car. - Mm-hm, got it. 687 00:38:05,793 --> 00:38:08,584 - It was a double meaning and I was... - Very good. 688 00:38:08,709 --> 00:38:10,043 - ...being funny. - Yes. 689 00:38:10,209 --> 00:38:13,001 - But you didn't laugh. - No, I'll laugh later. 690 00:38:13,126 --> 00:38:16,084 - That's okay. - Well, thank you for the joke. 691 00:38:16,251 --> 00:38:18,709 Oh, no, no, no. Come and get your fan mail. 692 00:38:18,793 --> 00:38:20,959 Yes, just through here. Come on. 693 00:38:21,126 --> 00:38:23,293 - Yeah, step into my office. - Okay. 694 00:38:23,418 --> 00:38:26,876 I didn't realise the show was so popular. You get so many letters. 695 00:38:27,001 --> 00:38:30,043 Yeah, over the years it's acquired a certain cachet. 696 00:38:31,709 --> 00:38:33,668 There. 697 00:38:33,751 --> 00:38:35,543 (GROANS) 698 00:38:35,709 --> 00:38:38,918 Phew! You want me to call a man with a van? 699 00:38:39,043 --> 00:38:41,209 - Very witty. - Yeah. 700 00:38:41,334 --> 00:38:42,709 - Yeah. - I did two jokes. 701 00:38:42,793 --> 00:38:46,418 - One over there and one just now. - I see you're very proud of yourself. 702 00:38:46,543 --> 00:38:48,626 - A little bit. - You know what you are? 703 00:38:48,709 --> 00:38:51,626 You are my stuntman. That's all you'll ever be. 704 00:38:51,709 --> 00:38:54,584 - That's my job, though, so... - What, to be my stand-in? 705 00:38:54,709 --> 00:38:57,209 I stand in when people can't do things physically. 706 00:38:57,334 --> 00:38:58,834 That's when they call me. 707 00:38:58,959 --> 00:39:00,876 I'm at the top of my physical game. 708 00:39:01,001 --> 00:39:03,376 Well, you're hiding it really well these days. 709 00:39:03,501 --> 00:39:05,376 Don't make me unleash the Ginga. 710 00:39:05,501 --> 00:39:08,418 Ginga? You're going to play giant wooden blocks with me? 711 00:39:08,501 --> 00:39:10,709 Ginga not Jenga. It's a Capoeira term. 712 00:39:10,793 --> 00:39:12,793 It could get messy, sir. 713 00:39:12,918 --> 00:39:15,418 Enjoy the fan mail. Don't read it all at once. 714 00:39:17,959 --> 00:39:20,084 You forgot your flowers. 715 00:39:21,709 --> 00:39:23,293 Oh, sweet. 716 00:39:24,959 --> 00:39:27,959 Hey, baby, I got you some flowers. 717 00:39:28,084 --> 00:39:29,418 Thanks. 718 00:39:29,543 --> 00:39:31,918 You know, just to say good luck with the golf. 719 00:39:32,043 --> 00:39:34,834 "It's time to get some pussy." 720 00:39:37,418 --> 00:39:40,629 Well, it's been a while. 721 00:39:40,709 --> 00:39:43,376 - I'm going to play golf. - I'll do some gardening. 722 00:39:47,709 --> 00:39:49,959 - Oh, it's nice. - Don't. 723 00:39:54,251 --> 00:39:57,209 - JEFF: Do you, er, fancy a toot? - I'm going to say no to that. 724 00:39:57,334 --> 00:39:58,709 In public, especially. 725 00:39:58,793 --> 00:40:01,668 I had to give that up due to adverse chemical reactions. 726 00:40:01,751 --> 00:40:04,543 - Let's make some fucking deals! - Yes, let's do that. 727 00:40:04,668 --> 00:40:07,584 Listen, I might take a lead in there, do the talking. 728 00:40:07,709 --> 00:40:10,626 - You could perhaps hang back. - Me? I'm not going in. 729 00:40:10,709 --> 00:40:12,209 - You're not? - No, I'm barred. 730 00:40:12,334 --> 00:40:14,126 Oh, you didn't mention that either. 731 00:40:14,293 --> 00:40:15,793 - It's a long story. - Okay, Jeff. 732 00:40:15,918 --> 00:40:17,584 - See you after. - See you later. 733 00:40:17,709 --> 00:40:19,793 - Still got some stuff... - Oh, right. 734 00:40:22,376 --> 00:40:24,251 RECEPTIONIST: Hello, sir. 735 00:40:34,001 --> 00:40:35,501 What a twat! 736 00:40:37,584 --> 00:40:39,709 Richard Horncroft! 737 00:40:40,668 --> 00:40:42,293 The Beastman. 738 00:40:42,418 --> 00:40:44,834 Be careful, ladies. This guy is a real live wire. 739 00:40:44,959 --> 00:40:46,584 Dangerous to know. 740 00:40:47,376 --> 00:40:48,959 - Twang! - Ooh! 741 00:40:52,209 --> 00:40:55,251 Ah... So, where have you been hiding? 742 00:40:55,376 --> 00:40:57,001 Inside a busy schedule. 743 00:40:57,126 --> 00:40:58,834 - Really? - Mm. 744 00:41:00,001 --> 00:41:02,001 - How am I looking? - You're looking good. 745 00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:03,334 Yeah, I know. 746 00:41:03,459 --> 00:41:07,293 A little dick bird tells me you got an idea floating around in the old bonsai. 747 00:41:07,418 --> 00:41:08,668 I certainly do. 748 00:41:08,793 --> 00:41:11,459 The heat I'm about to generate from the police thing, 749 00:41:11,584 --> 00:41:15,418 I think could be funnelled through into a DVD release. 750 00:41:15,501 --> 00:41:18,709 - That's where you come in. - That's a sweet angle. 751 00:41:18,793 --> 00:41:21,751 So, what do you think? Are we in business on this? 752 00:41:25,543 --> 00:41:27,584 I say, yeah, let's do it, let's sign. 753 00:41:28,751 --> 00:41:30,209 All right. 754 00:41:31,376 --> 00:41:33,126 Thanks, Coco. 755 00:41:33,251 --> 00:41:35,709 Pete, I like the way you do business. 756 00:41:36,626 --> 00:41:39,709 - We're heading back to the big time. - RICHARD: There you are. 757 00:41:41,209 --> 00:41:43,584 Before we seal this puppy, 758 00:41:43,668 --> 00:41:46,209 is there anything else you want to run by me? 759 00:41:46,376 --> 00:41:49,543 No. I think we're good to go, yeah? 760 00:41:49,668 --> 00:41:53,334 I mean, nothing that you might have said, er... publicly? 761 00:41:55,126 --> 00:41:57,584 You called me "a stinking ham" on Wogan, 762 00:41:57,709 --> 00:42:00,084 "with the emotional range of a chair leg". 763 00:42:01,418 --> 00:42:04,709 - Did I say that? - You've got brass balls, coming in here. 764 00:42:04,793 --> 00:42:06,793 I'll give you that. 765 00:42:06,918 --> 00:42:09,001 Okay, look, I just wanted to come here 766 00:42:09,209 --> 00:42:11,584 with an opportunity for you to get involved in. 767 00:42:11,709 --> 00:42:14,043 In your pathetic career? 768 00:42:14,209 --> 00:42:17,543 You've gone too far. I've got offers all over this island. 769 00:42:17,668 --> 00:42:20,876 - I don't need to go to you. - I'm sure you're inundated 770 00:42:21,001 --> 00:42:24,876 with requests for the greatest actor of his generation. Behold! 771 00:42:25,001 --> 00:42:27,918 'When you're head of a busy multinational corporation, 772 00:42:28,043 --> 00:42:30,418 'you don't have time to exercise. 773 00:42:30,501 --> 00:42:33,043 'With Tumpers, the man girdle system for men, 774 00:42:33,251 --> 00:42:35,709 'you don't have to waste time on your waistline. 775 00:42:35,834 --> 00:42:38,084 'Tumpers Man Girdle tightens the waist, 776 00:42:38,251 --> 00:42:41,501 'removing unsightly side, back and tummy bulge...' 777 00:42:43,084 --> 00:42:45,584 - Yeah? Something funny? - You're finished. 778 00:42:45,709 --> 00:42:48,334 You fucked off to Hollywood 25 years ago, 779 00:42:48,459 --> 00:42:51,626 because some LA windbag said you were the next Burt Reynolds. 780 00:42:51,709 --> 00:42:55,793 Yeah, you gambled and you lost. You lost at life. 781 00:42:57,751 --> 00:43:00,084 - You're in a dream world. - I'm in a dream world? 782 00:43:00,293 --> 00:43:02,584 That's funny, because this is a dream world. 783 00:43:02,709 --> 00:43:06,918 You're living in a plastic palace. None of this is real. This is not real. 784 00:43:07,001 --> 00:43:09,084 That's real, but this is not real! 785 00:43:09,251 --> 00:43:13,209 It's full of sycophants and prostitutes. 786 00:43:13,334 --> 00:43:14,584 (CROWD GASPS) 787 00:43:14,709 --> 00:43:17,251 You're a joke, Richard. 788 00:43:19,668 --> 00:43:21,543 Pat never charged me. 789 00:43:21,668 --> 00:43:23,668 That one was on the house. 790 00:43:30,251 --> 00:43:31,876 Sorry, I was not aiming for you. 791 00:43:31,959 --> 00:43:34,793 - Get Richard a skinny green. - Shove it up your arse! 792 00:43:34,918 --> 00:43:37,126 MAN: Somebody call the police. 793 00:43:37,293 --> 00:43:39,251 - Eh? - Get that cocaine. 794 00:43:39,376 --> 00:43:42,709 RICHARD: He's made one of the biggest mistakes of his career. 795 00:43:43,459 --> 00:43:46,043 JEFF: That's it, Richie. Get it down you! 796 00:43:46,793 --> 00:43:48,876 I love you. 797 00:43:52,084 --> 00:43:53,876 Do you remember this? 798 00:44:00,793 --> 00:44:03,376 (ECHOING) And, action! 799 00:44:05,709 --> 00:44:07,709 (HEAVY METAL) 800 00:44:12,959 --> 00:44:14,876 'Up yours!' 801 00:44:15,001 --> 00:44:17,709 This island is a shithole! 802 00:44:22,334 --> 00:44:24,043 (GROANING) 803 00:44:29,126 --> 00:44:31,584 That was a classic night, Jeff. 804 00:44:36,751 --> 00:44:39,668 Can I get you an Alka-Seltzer? 805 00:44:39,751 --> 00:44:41,084 Oh, shit. 806 00:44:42,709 --> 00:44:46,626 If you ever set foot on this island again, you're going to jail. 807 00:44:46,709 --> 00:44:49,543 - Is this about your wife? - What? 808 00:44:49,709 --> 00:44:53,376 We've never forgotten what you said about the Isle of Man on Wogan. 809 00:44:53,501 --> 00:44:57,501 You said that we had a limited gene pool. 810 00:44:57,626 --> 00:44:59,501 Well, you do. 811 00:44:59,626 --> 00:45:02,751 And you have nothing on me, because... 812 00:45:04,209 --> 00:45:06,334 You're joking, aren't you? 813 00:45:06,459 --> 00:45:09,626 I could bang you up just for the vandalism alone. 814 00:45:09,709 --> 00:45:11,334 Yes! 815 00:45:12,959 --> 00:45:14,584 What vandalism? 816 00:45:14,709 --> 00:45:17,918 On this side, we have a penis here. You can see the scrotum. 817 00:45:18,043 --> 00:45:20,001 In Holland, we call this the acorn. 818 00:45:20,126 --> 00:45:22,959 You've got breasts. A phallus, this time with sputum. 819 00:45:23,084 --> 00:45:25,793 I don't know what this is. 820 00:45:25,918 --> 00:45:29,543 - That's an anus. - No, I think it's a titty. 821 00:45:29,668 --> 00:45:33,668 All right, Richard. You just wait here and I will get the car. 822 00:45:33,751 --> 00:45:38,251 Oh, hey, Rich. Hey, settle an argument. What is this here? Is it an anus? 823 00:45:38,376 --> 00:45:41,001 I don't know what that is. It's nothing to do with me. 824 00:45:41,084 --> 00:45:43,251 You signed it, you moron. 825 00:45:43,376 --> 00:45:46,084 - Well, I can speak English. - And now he's racist. 826 00:45:46,251 --> 00:45:48,626 So, write this down: racist. 827 00:45:52,959 --> 00:45:54,876 I nearly believed you for a minute. 828 00:45:55,001 --> 00:45:58,751 Look, I came here to help the police and just things went a bit wrong. 829 00:45:58,834 --> 00:46:01,084 You came back to get publicity from a murder. 830 00:46:01,251 --> 00:46:04,876 - That's not why I came back. - Stop lying to yourself, Richard. 831 00:46:05,001 --> 00:46:08,501 And you're not lying to yourself? Serious journalism? 832 00:46:08,626 --> 00:46:12,043 Manx cats with no tails? Pat, you used to be an artist. 833 00:46:12,209 --> 00:46:14,334 I was a piece of totty in a shit TV show. 834 00:46:14,459 --> 00:46:16,918 Mindhorn was not a shit TV show. 835 00:46:22,709 --> 00:46:27,043 Hey, Richie, you keep leaving things at the house, 836 00:46:27,209 --> 00:46:29,709 your jacket, Pat, your dignity. 837 00:46:29,793 --> 00:46:32,959 You think you've got it all. You think you've got it all sewn up. 838 00:46:33,084 --> 00:46:34,959 What you've got is a domestic prison. 839 00:46:35,084 --> 00:46:38,334 - Better than a real prison. - You've got your wife and daughter. 840 00:46:38,418 --> 00:46:40,293 I've got freedom. I go with the wind. 841 00:46:40,418 --> 00:46:41,834 - Jasmine isn't mine. - What? 842 00:46:41,959 --> 00:46:44,084 Jasmine isn't mine. Pat never told you? 843 00:46:44,293 --> 00:46:45,959 Pat didn't tell me what? 844 00:46:46,084 --> 00:46:47,876 - (CHUCKLES) - What about Jasmine? 845 00:46:48,001 --> 00:46:50,209 - BAINES: Richard. - (HORN BEEPS) 846 00:46:50,793 --> 00:46:53,668 CLIVE: Yeah, bye, Richard. Nice to see you. 847 00:46:53,751 --> 00:46:56,251 - He's a very confused man. - Tell me about it. 848 00:46:56,376 --> 00:46:59,584 - He didn't even know about Jasmine. - Your daughter? 849 00:46:59,709 --> 00:47:02,418 She's not my daughter. I've had the snip. 850 00:47:02,543 --> 00:47:05,376 No, she's Peter Easterman's daughter. 851 00:47:06,293 --> 00:47:08,668 - You had the snip, Green? - No. 852 00:47:08,751 --> 00:47:10,668 Something to think about. 853 00:47:30,293 --> 00:47:34,251 RICHARD: Well, we got our man. Hopefully that makes up for the graffiti. 854 00:47:34,376 --> 00:47:38,251 - Maybe under different circumstances... - Yeah, thanks. Bye. 855 00:47:47,334 --> 00:47:51,418 SARAH: 'Richard, I think you're going through another transitional phase 856 00:47:51,543 --> 00:47:54,251 'from unemployed actor to unemployable actor. 857 00:47:54,376 --> 00:47:56,251 'I'm going to have to let you go. 858 00:47:56,376 --> 00:48:00,459 'I've left your head shots in reception. When you collect them, don't come up.' 859 00:48:07,084 --> 00:48:09,293 - Are you finished? - Hm? 860 00:48:09,418 --> 00:48:11,418 - The newspaper. - Oh, yeah. 861 00:48:24,376 --> 00:48:28,626 TANNOY: 'Would foot passengers awaiting the 2:15 departure to Liverpool 862 00:48:28,709 --> 00:48:31,584 'now kindly make their way to the ferry terminal?' 863 00:48:44,459 --> 00:48:48,209 MELLY: 'Clue number one: the killer is a secret baldy. 864 00:48:56,209 --> 00:49:00,876 'Clue number two: a videotape of the actual killing.' 865 00:49:10,459 --> 00:49:12,626 'Breaking news at the Laxey Wheel. 866 00:49:12,709 --> 00:49:17,001 'Suspected murderer, Paul Melly, has escaped and taken himself hostage. 867 00:49:17,126 --> 00:49:19,459 'The public are warned not to approach Melly 868 00:49:19,584 --> 00:49:21,876 'as he is both armed and dangerous.' 869 00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:23,418 'Get me Mindhorn!' 870 00:49:24,001 --> 00:49:26,126 JEFF: Mindhorn's coming back. 871 00:49:27,084 --> 00:49:29,459 - Jeff. - Hey, Richie. 872 00:49:29,584 --> 00:49:31,751 - What happened to you? - Shut up and play this. 873 00:49:31,918 --> 00:49:34,001 - Oh, right. - Melly sent it to me. 874 00:49:34,126 --> 00:49:36,293 Well, he sent it to Mindhorn. 875 00:49:37,418 --> 00:49:40,584 'Hi, Mindhorn. Kestrel here, reporting for duty. 876 00:49:40,709 --> 00:49:44,126 'This is going to be an apocalypse of justice 877 00:49:44,293 --> 00:49:47,584 'for the bald man who really did do the murder of Miss Lipinskii. 878 00:49:47,709 --> 00:49:51,251 'He... he pushed her. Then he strangled her.' 879 00:49:51,376 --> 00:49:53,043 (KATYA SCREAMING) 880 00:49:53,209 --> 00:49:55,209 'Another man helped him with the body.' 881 00:49:55,293 --> 00:49:56,584 Who is that? 882 00:49:56,709 --> 00:49:59,793 'They didn't catch me, though, because I hid in the bushes. 883 00:50:01,376 --> 00:50:06,209 'He had these posh shoes, posh shoes with cats on them. 884 00:50:06,376 --> 00:50:09,084 'All right, see you soon, Mindhorn.' 885 00:50:10,751 --> 00:50:12,918 Melly's innocent. He's innocent. 886 00:50:13,001 --> 00:50:15,501 - Give me the tape. - Why? What are you going to do? 887 00:50:15,626 --> 00:50:18,709 Take it to the Chief, shove it up his arse and press play. 888 00:50:18,876 --> 00:50:20,293 No, no, no, no, no. 889 00:50:20,376 --> 00:50:21,959 I got a better idea. 890 00:50:22,084 --> 00:50:25,251 The man on this tape might pay some real money for this. 891 00:50:26,084 --> 00:50:27,584 - What, blackmail? - Aye. 892 00:50:27,668 --> 00:50:30,959 This is low, even for you, Jeff. Surely things aren't that bad. 893 00:50:31,084 --> 00:50:33,293 Of course they fucking are. 894 00:50:33,459 --> 00:50:36,209 Look at me. I live in a caravan. 895 00:50:36,334 --> 00:50:40,293 - This is your office, Jeff. - I don't have a fucking office! 896 00:50:40,418 --> 00:50:44,126 - What about your secretary? - That is my secretary! 897 00:50:44,876 --> 00:50:47,501 25 years I've been here, 898 00:50:47,626 --> 00:50:51,126 since you, you arsehole, walked out on me! 899 00:50:51,293 --> 00:50:52,834 Comes a time in an actor's life 900 00:50:52,959 --> 00:50:55,293 when he has to move away from the small screen. 901 00:50:55,418 --> 00:50:58,793 I used to have money. I used to get your cast-offs. 902 00:50:58,918 --> 00:51:00,876 I was like a pig in shite. 903 00:51:01,001 --> 00:51:06,126 - Then you waltzed off to the big time. - I live in a flat in Walthamstow! 904 00:51:06,293 --> 00:51:08,959 Oh, he lives in a flat. 905 00:51:09,084 --> 00:51:12,418 Well, what about me? I want what is due to me. 906 00:51:12,543 --> 00:51:17,584 I want a Bentley convertible. I want a trophy wife. 907 00:51:17,668 --> 00:51:23,709 (SOBBING) I want a fucking infinity pool. 908 00:51:25,251 --> 00:51:29,709 Jeff, it's okay. It's not as bad as you think, okay? 909 00:51:29,793 --> 00:51:33,251 Things aren't that bad. There's a silver lining to every cloud. 910 00:51:33,376 --> 00:51:36,293 No, you don't, you sneaky bastard. 911 00:51:36,376 --> 00:51:38,793 Not this time. You owe me. 912 00:51:38,918 --> 00:51:41,209 We need to take a step back here, Jeff. 913 00:51:41,334 --> 00:51:45,043 A mentally fragile young man is calling for my help. 914 00:51:45,209 --> 00:51:46,959 Yesterday you said he was a retard. 915 00:51:47,084 --> 00:51:50,626 I've seen a few things since then. Maybe my eyes have been opened. 916 00:51:50,709 --> 00:51:53,459 - What are you talking about? - I'm a father, Jeff. 917 00:51:54,001 --> 00:51:57,459 - I've sired a daughter, with Pat. - What, Jasmine? 918 00:51:58,668 --> 00:52:01,334 You idiot! She could have been anyone's, 919 00:52:01,459 --> 00:52:03,918 the way Pat put it about after you left! 920 00:52:05,709 --> 00:52:07,584 - (GROANS) - You take that back. 921 00:52:07,668 --> 00:52:11,626 - Aye, I'm sorry. - You take a long hard look at yourself. 922 00:52:11,709 --> 00:52:15,126 I'm sorry, I'm not thinking straight. 923 00:52:15,293 --> 00:52:17,334 - Give me the tape. - Okay. 924 00:52:20,626 --> 00:52:23,001 You're doing the right thing, Jeff. 925 00:52:23,126 --> 00:52:25,459 (MINDHORN THEME) 926 00:52:25,584 --> 00:52:26,584 Truth time. 927 00:52:30,501 --> 00:52:34,251 NARRATOR: 'Mindhorn, the best detective the Isle of Man had ever seen.' 928 00:52:34,918 --> 00:52:37,959 Out of the way! Coming through! 929 00:52:43,043 --> 00:52:45,543 Oh, God, no. 930 00:52:45,709 --> 00:52:47,126 Jasmine. 931 00:52:47,251 --> 00:52:48,418 I'm sorry. 932 00:52:48,543 --> 00:52:50,251 What for? 933 00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:51,918 Everything. 934 00:52:52,043 --> 00:52:54,043 You know about me and your mother 935 00:52:54,209 --> 00:52:56,626 - and who I am? - Yes, yes, sadly I do. 936 00:52:56,709 --> 00:52:59,584 I want you to know I'm proud of you, Jas. 937 00:52:59,668 --> 00:53:01,209 - Can I call you Jas? - No. 938 00:53:01,376 --> 00:53:04,043 Jasmine, I want us to get to know each other really well. 939 00:53:04,209 --> 00:53:06,126 - This is weird. - I know it's weird. 940 00:53:06,293 --> 00:53:08,293 I want us to set up regular phone calls. 941 00:53:08,418 --> 00:53:10,043 That's never going to happen. 942 00:53:10,126 --> 00:53:11,668 Okay, we'll go at your pace. 943 00:53:11,793 --> 00:53:16,709 Watch the news. You're going to see your daddy blow the lid off this island. 944 00:53:24,376 --> 00:53:27,918 JEFF: 'So, to sum up, do we have a deal, then?' 945 00:53:28,043 --> 00:53:32,876 - I don't take very kindly to blackmail. - 'All right, keep your wig on.' 946 00:53:34,001 --> 00:53:36,043 Okay, I'll see you there. 947 00:53:36,751 --> 00:53:40,084 - So the simpleton was filming us? - Yeah, looks like it. 948 00:53:41,918 --> 00:53:46,334 I'm starting to think framing Melly was a really bad idea. 949 00:53:46,459 --> 00:53:48,293 Get me Mindhorn! 950 00:53:48,418 --> 00:53:50,793 Mindhorn! 951 00:53:50,918 --> 00:53:53,543 Do you have a statement to make about this? 952 00:53:53,668 --> 00:53:57,959 'The Isle of Man is still one of the safest and most tranquil tourist destinations.' 953 00:53:58,084 --> 00:53:59,084 Hello! 954 00:54:01,709 --> 00:54:05,293 Mindhorn's here! I've got this, Chief. Stand your men down. 955 00:54:07,418 --> 00:54:09,001 'Is this the camera? 956 00:54:09,126 --> 00:54:11,376 'This man is innocent. 957 00:54:11,501 --> 00:54:14,001 'This tape will be the proof of my words. 958 00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:16,709 'You might want to swing a lens.' 959 00:54:16,793 --> 00:54:19,668 - Richard, what the hell are you doing? - Trust me. 960 00:54:20,251 --> 00:54:23,834 Get one of your boffins to play this. It shows that Melly's innocent. 961 00:54:23,959 --> 00:54:25,459 How do I look? 962 00:54:25,584 --> 00:54:27,376 Like you might need some help. 963 00:54:27,501 --> 00:54:29,626 Too late. I work alone. 964 00:54:31,334 --> 00:54:34,709 I'm coming, Melly, Detective Mindhorn's on the case. 965 00:54:34,834 --> 00:54:36,334 MELLY: Mindhorn! 966 00:54:39,834 --> 00:54:42,043 Shit, Jesus. 967 00:54:44,043 --> 00:54:45,668 Oh, God. 968 00:54:47,376 --> 00:54:49,001 Hiya, Mindhorn. 969 00:54:49,126 --> 00:54:50,876 Mindhorn? 970 00:54:51,001 --> 00:54:53,459 Is this still Operation Apocalypse of Justice? 971 00:54:53,584 --> 00:54:55,501 I know you're innocent. 972 00:54:55,626 --> 00:54:57,709 This man is innocent. Play the tape. 973 00:54:57,834 --> 00:55:00,751 We'll play the tape at the station. 974 00:55:00,876 --> 00:55:03,668 No, I'm not going down the station. Play the tape now. 975 00:55:03,751 --> 00:55:06,918 - Play it now. - He's serious, Patricia. 976 00:55:07,043 --> 00:55:09,751 And so am I. okay, people. 977 00:55:09,834 --> 00:55:12,626 Get ready to witness some truth bombs. 978 00:55:12,709 --> 00:55:16,001 'Ho, ho, ho! You know how to do it, don't you?' 979 00:55:16,709 --> 00:55:17,501 What? 980 00:55:17,626 --> 00:55:19,751 'I'm gonna shit the truth out, bang!' 981 00:55:19,918 --> 00:55:23,084 - This is the wrong tape. - 'My name is Bruce Mindhorn.' 982 00:55:23,251 --> 00:55:24,626 He swapped the tapes, okay? 983 00:55:24,709 --> 00:55:28,043 Jeff Moncrief, who I will kill, has got the real tape. 984 00:55:28,251 --> 00:55:31,043 It's in the caravan. We have to go to the caravan. 985 00:55:31,793 --> 00:55:34,001 We'll do that when you both come down. 986 00:55:34,709 --> 00:55:37,001 Richard, is Melly armed? 987 00:55:37,126 --> 00:55:39,084 No, no, no, negative. 988 00:55:39,251 --> 00:55:40,501 No, I have got a gun. 989 00:55:42,126 --> 00:55:44,126 This is not a gun, it's not real. 990 00:55:44,251 --> 00:55:46,709 - MELLY: It is real. - RICHARD: It's not real. 991 00:55:46,793 --> 00:55:48,751 - It's a toy. - It's not a toy. 992 00:55:49,543 --> 00:55:50,834 See? Told you. 993 00:55:50,959 --> 00:55:52,251 - Go, man. - Shoot. 994 00:55:54,084 --> 00:55:56,876 - Quick! This way, Mindhorn. - This is not the way to go. 995 00:55:58,543 --> 00:56:00,751 - 'Call Equity!' - PETER: What's the hoo-ha? 996 00:56:00,876 --> 00:56:04,251 - COCO: Thorncroft's gone insane. - This is terrible. 997 00:56:04,376 --> 00:56:06,918 - Wait, did he sign that DVD thing? - Yeah. 998 00:56:07,043 --> 00:56:08,543 In which case it's fantastic. 999 00:56:09,084 --> 00:56:10,709 Stop shooting. 1000 00:56:10,876 --> 00:56:12,334 I haven't done anything. 1001 00:56:12,418 --> 00:56:15,459 - (SQUAWKING) - Stop making that stupid bird noise. 1002 00:56:15,543 --> 00:56:16,834 POLICEMAN: Stop there. 1003 00:56:18,001 --> 00:56:19,959 - Stop. - They're heading into the mine. 1004 00:56:21,709 --> 00:56:22,876 Stop right there. 1005 00:56:34,834 --> 00:56:36,793 They've gone again, Chief. 1006 00:56:36,959 --> 00:56:37,959 For now. 1007 00:56:59,001 --> 00:57:01,293 DS Baines? 1008 00:57:01,376 --> 00:57:03,251 BAINES: Clever boy. 1009 00:57:03,376 --> 00:57:05,501 You're coming with me. 1010 00:57:06,376 --> 00:57:09,501 All I want to know is, who else has seen this tape? 1011 00:57:09,626 --> 00:57:13,501 Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't reveal my sources. 1012 00:57:13,626 --> 00:57:17,751 It was Richard Thorncroft. This whole thing was his idea. 1013 00:57:17,876 --> 00:57:20,543 - And possibly Pat Deville. - Pat Deville? 1014 00:57:20,709 --> 00:57:22,876 He picked it up from her house. 1015 00:57:23,626 --> 00:57:25,293 How about 30 grand? 1016 00:57:25,376 --> 00:57:26,918 Oh, Jeff. 1017 00:57:27,584 --> 00:57:30,751 The last person who tried to blackmail me 1018 00:57:30,876 --> 00:57:32,376 is on this tape. 1019 00:57:32,501 --> 00:57:36,501 Only I haven't had a torrid affair with you, Jeff. 1020 00:57:36,626 --> 00:57:39,459 Let's call it 50 quid. Then everybody's happy, eh? 1021 00:57:43,293 --> 00:57:44,293 Oh, great. 1022 00:57:44,418 --> 00:57:47,459 This isn't the Bronx, this is the Isle of Man. 1023 00:57:47,584 --> 00:57:48,876 (BLEATING) 1024 00:57:54,334 --> 00:57:56,543 (SQUAWKING) 1025 00:57:57,709 --> 00:58:00,334 - You okay, Mindhorn? - Oh, God. I'm going to be sick. 1026 00:58:00,459 --> 00:58:02,459 Come on, this way to safety. 1027 00:58:02,584 --> 00:58:04,084 - Where are we going? - The nest. 1028 00:58:04,251 --> 00:58:07,209 It's lucky you're Special Forces. 1029 00:58:08,626 --> 00:58:11,084 - How much further? - It's just here. 1030 00:58:12,584 --> 00:58:14,584 - What's this? - You've got to jump. 1031 00:58:14,709 --> 00:58:17,709 Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's just jump off a cliff! 1032 00:58:17,834 --> 00:58:19,751 Yeah! You first. 1033 00:58:19,876 --> 00:58:22,043 No! 1034 00:58:22,251 --> 00:58:23,959 (SQUAWKING) 1035 00:58:26,793 --> 00:58:27,793 (SPLASH) 1036 00:58:30,043 --> 00:58:32,668 'It now seems certain actor Richard Thorncroft, 1037 00:58:32,751 --> 00:58:35,709 'who disappeared two days ago, is dead. 1038 00:58:35,834 --> 00:58:37,543 'Thorncroft is the chief suspect 1039 00:58:37,668 --> 00:58:40,876 'in the murder of Mindhorn PR guru, Jeffrey Moncrief. 1040 00:58:41,001 --> 00:58:45,209 'It is now accepted that Thorncroft could be suffering a severe mental breakdown 1041 00:58:45,334 --> 00:58:48,334 'after a long career lull since the hit show ended.' 1042 00:58:48,459 --> 00:58:51,209 'Even a short walk can take its toll on the lower legs. 1043 00:58:51,376 --> 00:58:53,459 'That's why I use Thrombi-Sox.' 1044 00:58:53,584 --> 00:58:55,709 'Jeffrey Moncrief, who I will kill...' 1045 00:58:56,709 --> 00:59:02,293 'You can never say it's a good thing when someone is dead, 1046 00:59:02,418 --> 00:59:07,668 'but maybe with Richard this has been for the best.' 1047 00:59:07,751 --> 00:59:12,126 'I keep expecting him to walk through the door and say, 1048 00:59:12,293 --> 00:59:15,334 ""Hey, Pete, old buddy, how are the DVD sales going?" 1049 00:59:15,459 --> 00:59:20,126 'Because, of course, Mindhorn is finally released today on DVD. 1050 00:59:20,293 --> 00:59:21,376 'Yeah. 1051 00:59:21,543 --> 00:59:24,584 'Actually, could you stop filming? I think I'm about to cry.' 1052 00:59:24,709 --> 00:59:29,293 REPORTER: 'Time in the recording studio yielded this album from 1990. 1053 00:59:29,418 --> 00:59:32,543 'His signature tune, "Can't Handcuff The Wind", 1054 00:59:32,668 --> 00:59:36,001 'reached No.1 in several East European countries.' 1055 00:59:36,209 --> 00:59:38,709 ("CAN'T HANDCUFF THE WIND") 1056 00:59:47,668 --> 00:59:50,709 Oh, yeah. Oh, you're gonna love this. 1057 00:59:51,293 --> 00:59:54,709 I've made you look exactly how you used to. 1058 01:00:00,334 --> 01:00:02,543 Oh, it's perfect. 1059 01:00:04,709 --> 01:00:06,959 - I can't move. - I glued you into your clothes. 1060 01:00:07,084 --> 01:00:09,834 There's three rolls of masking tape around your neck. 1061 01:00:09,959 --> 01:00:14,043 - You glued me into my clothes? - Your hair came off in the sea. 1062 01:00:14,209 --> 01:00:17,543 - But it's okay because I stuck it back on. - I can't breathe. 1063 01:00:17,668 --> 01:00:20,584 With superglue so it will never come off again. 1064 01:00:22,834 --> 01:00:24,084 Good, isn't it? 1065 01:00:25,209 --> 01:00:27,209 - (GRUNTS) - And your eye patch. 1066 01:00:27,334 --> 01:00:30,584 - Where are we? - We are in an underground lair, the nest. 1067 01:00:30,709 --> 01:00:33,876 And this is where we complete 1068 01:00:34,001 --> 01:00:37,209 Operation Apocalypse of Justice. 1069 01:00:37,334 --> 01:00:39,793 Right, first we need a penknife 1070 01:00:39,918 --> 01:00:42,543 and this recorder belt. 1071 01:00:42,668 --> 01:00:44,626 (RECORDING) 'Recorder belt.' 1072 01:00:44,709 --> 01:00:46,751 Fake blood for fooling the baddies. 1073 01:00:46,918 --> 01:00:49,584 And... a pretend gun. 1074 01:00:50,459 --> 01:00:52,709 I'm your partner and we're working on a case. 1075 01:00:52,793 --> 01:00:54,918 And it's a good case, isn't it, Mindhorn? 1076 01:00:55,043 --> 01:00:57,501 Yeah, it's a really good case. 1077 01:00:57,626 --> 01:01:01,126 Just one small problem is, I'm not Mindhorn. 1078 01:01:01,293 --> 01:01:04,043 There is no Mindhorn. Mindhorn isn't real. 1079 01:01:04,209 --> 01:01:06,126 It is real. 1080 01:01:07,334 --> 01:01:09,876 - Truth powder. - That is merchandise, okay? 1081 01:01:10,001 --> 01:01:13,543 Do you know what merchandise is? Cheap rubbish we sell to idiots. 1082 01:01:13,668 --> 01:01:18,709 And by the way, that nearly blinded four teenagers in Whitby in 1989. 1083 01:01:18,793 --> 01:01:22,751 Mindhorn is a fictional character in a show I did a quarter of a century ago. 1084 01:01:23,501 --> 01:01:25,834 - What's a fictional character? - I'm an actor. 1085 01:01:25,918 --> 01:01:28,668 I used to be. Now I just advertise orthopaedic socks. 1086 01:01:28,751 --> 01:01:31,709 I don't even do that now because John Nettle's got the gig! 1087 01:01:32,334 --> 01:01:34,751 I don't... I don't understand. 1088 01:01:34,918 --> 01:01:37,209 You don't understand? Let me clear things up. 1089 01:01:37,334 --> 01:01:40,293 Your parents carked it, you lost your marbles, 1090 01:01:40,418 --> 01:01:43,543 you got fixated with me in some weird, creepy way 1091 01:01:43,626 --> 01:01:45,001 I don't want to get into, 1092 01:01:45,126 --> 01:01:49,293 you think I'm here to rescue you but I am a self-obsessed arsehole. 1093 01:01:49,459 --> 01:01:50,793 Does that clear things up? 1094 01:01:50,876 --> 01:01:54,501 'Paul Melly, wanted in connection with the murder of Katya Lipinskii, 1095 01:01:54,668 --> 01:01:56,084 'is also presumed dead. 1096 01:01:56,251 --> 01:01:59,459 'Melly, 32, is believed to have a mental age of nine.' 1097 01:01:59,584 --> 01:02:01,293 Who's going to clear my name? 1098 01:02:01,376 --> 01:02:02,376 Nobody. 1099 01:02:03,751 --> 01:02:05,251 There's no evidence. 1100 01:02:05,376 --> 01:02:07,793 We had a tape. The tape's gone. It's over. 1101 01:02:10,126 --> 01:02:12,126 Both of them? 1102 01:02:13,084 --> 01:02:14,668 Both of them? 1103 01:02:14,751 --> 01:02:17,376 - What do you mean, both of them? - I made a copy. 1104 01:02:18,126 --> 01:02:21,084 You taught me that. Always make a copy. 1105 01:02:21,251 --> 01:02:25,126 Well, Mindhorn did, only you're not Mindhorn. 1106 01:02:25,293 --> 01:02:26,501 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 1107 01:02:26,626 --> 01:02:28,043 I am Mindhorn. 1108 01:02:28,709 --> 01:02:31,668 - What? But you said... - You passed the test. 1109 01:02:31,751 --> 01:02:33,251 Kestrel, well done. 1110 01:02:34,293 --> 01:02:36,209 - Did I? - You made promotion, partner. 1111 01:02:36,376 --> 01:02:39,793 From now on you shall be known as the Falcon. 1112 01:02:39,876 --> 01:02:41,376 No, I prefer Kestrel. 1113 01:02:41,543 --> 01:02:43,293 Kestrel's fine. Where's the tape? 1114 01:02:43,418 --> 01:02:47,084 I made a copy of the tape and put it in your car at Mindhorn Heights. 1115 01:02:47,209 --> 01:02:48,209 Yes! 1116 01:02:48,293 --> 01:02:51,918 I'm going to pack the bag for the finale when we kill the baddies. 1117 01:02:52,043 --> 01:02:55,709 Sounds like a plan, partner. I'll give you a signal when I need you. 1118 01:02:55,834 --> 01:02:57,876 - What's the signal? - You'll hear it. 1119 01:02:58,001 --> 01:03:00,584 - I need to hear it now. - (WHISTLES) 1120 01:03:00,709 --> 01:03:02,668 - No. - (SQUAWKS) 1121 01:03:02,751 --> 01:03:04,459 - Better. - Good, okay. 1122 01:03:04,584 --> 01:03:06,876 - Here, make sure you wear it. - What is that? 1123 01:03:06,959 --> 01:03:09,376 - It's a recorder belt. - Recorder belt, okay. 1124 01:03:09,501 --> 01:03:11,626 - Strapping that on now. - And this. 1125 01:03:11,751 --> 01:03:13,793 Roger that. Weird plastic radio. Got it. 1126 01:03:13,918 --> 01:03:16,751 - Er, does this work? - No. 1127 01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:19,751 - It does work, actually, FYI. - Oh, right. 1128 01:03:22,418 --> 01:03:23,918 Who are you calling? 1129 01:03:24,043 --> 01:03:25,793 The only person we can trust. 1130 01:03:36,418 --> 01:03:38,418 - Baines. - Richard, wow! 1131 01:03:38,543 --> 01:03:40,043 - Don't ask. - You're alive. 1132 01:03:40,209 --> 01:03:41,751 - Where's Melly? - In a cave. 1133 01:03:41,918 --> 01:03:43,543 He hid a copy of the tape at Pat's. 1134 01:03:44,376 --> 01:03:45,418 Whereabouts? 1135 01:03:45,501 --> 01:03:48,626 In the garage, in the glove compartment of the Mindhorn car. 1136 01:03:49,918 --> 01:03:53,084 - What have you got the gun for? - You know too much, Richard. 1137 01:03:54,043 --> 01:03:57,126 I don't know anything. I'm actually quite confused. 1138 01:03:57,293 --> 01:04:01,084 - You know that I killed Moncrief, right? - I did not know that. 1139 01:04:01,209 --> 01:04:04,126 - Well, you do now. - Not a problem. I can blank it out. 1140 01:04:04,251 --> 01:04:07,418 I have that capacity. I've blanked out huge chapters of my life. 1141 01:04:07,543 --> 01:04:10,209 - This is just one more thing. - Sorry, Richard. 1142 01:04:10,334 --> 01:04:11,334 Final curtain. 1143 01:04:11,959 --> 01:04:12,959 (SQUAWKS) 1144 01:04:14,709 --> 01:04:16,793 (SQUAWKS) 1145 01:04:18,043 --> 01:04:19,834 (SQUAWKS) 1146 01:04:20,876 --> 01:04:22,668 Truth powder. 1147 01:04:24,834 --> 01:04:26,459 - Quick, the gun. - What is that? 1148 01:04:26,584 --> 01:04:27,668 Come on! 1149 01:04:29,293 --> 01:04:32,709 - BAINES: Jesus Christ! - RICHARD: She's left the keys in the bike. 1150 01:04:34,418 --> 01:04:35,918 - (SPLASH) - Yes! 1151 01:04:36,084 --> 01:04:37,584 Why did you do that? 1152 01:04:37,668 --> 01:04:41,209 We could have used the bike to get away, you stupid berk! 1153 01:04:42,001 --> 01:04:44,543 (COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING) 1154 01:04:46,709 --> 01:04:49,084 (PHONE VIBRATES) 1155 01:04:51,251 --> 01:04:54,334 - Hello. - 'Hi, Pat, it's DS Baines here.' 1156 01:04:54,459 --> 01:04:57,584 I just thought I should tell you that Richard is alive. 1157 01:04:58,793 --> 01:05:01,959 - He's alive? - 'Alive, yeah, yeah. Great news.' 1158 01:05:02,126 --> 01:05:05,293 Um, mixed bag, though. He is delusional. 1159 01:05:05,418 --> 01:05:07,459 Oh, God, he's seriously ill, isn't he? 1160 01:05:07,584 --> 01:05:10,084 'He is, he is. He's on his way to you now. 1161 01:05:10,251 --> 01:05:12,709 'He thinks he's in an old episode of Mindhorn 1162 01:05:12,793 --> 01:05:15,251 'and I need you to keep him there 1163 01:05:15,376 --> 01:05:18,626 'and I will come to you, okay, so just wait there.' 1164 01:05:22,501 --> 01:05:24,084 Where's the car? 1165 01:05:25,668 --> 01:05:27,459 Oh, where is it? 1166 01:05:27,584 --> 01:05:29,918 Where's the bloody car? 1167 01:05:30,043 --> 01:05:32,209 It should be here. 1168 01:05:32,376 --> 01:05:33,418 (YELLS) 1169 01:05:45,293 --> 01:05:46,334 Richard? 1170 01:05:48,334 --> 01:05:49,501 Are you okay? 1171 01:05:53,293 --> 01:05:54,293 No. 1172 01:05:54,418 --> 01:05:57,709 I'm having a really bad day. Where's my car? 1173 01:05:57,793 --> 01:05:59,876 Why don't you just come and sit down? 1174 01:06:00,001 --> 01:06:02,209 I can't sit down. I'm glued in. 1175 01:06:02,334 --> 01:06:03,876 Just calm down and... 1176 01:06:04,001 --> 01:06:05,751 Baines is trying to kill me. 1177 01:06:05,876 --> 01:06:08,668 She's corrupt. There's a bald man. 1178 01:06:08,793 --> 01:06:12,084 He's... he's got cats on his shoes. I've seen them. 1179 01:06:12,251 --> 01:06:15,043 Not real cats, false cats, tiny false cats on his shoes. 1180 01:06:15,209 --> 01:06:17,126 Richard, none of this is real. 1181 01:06:17,293 --> 01:06:19,876 It's all real, it's come real. 1182 01:06:20,001 --> 01:06:21,671 Where's my car? Where's it gone? 1183 01:06:21,751 --> 01:06:26,834 The car? Clive is bringing the car. It will be here in a few minutes. 1184 01:06:26,918 --> 01:06:30,084 Now, just calm down and talk to me. 1185 01:06:30,251 --> 01:06:33,418 - They're coming. I can't wait. - Let's talk about us. 1186 01:06:33,543 --> 01:06:34,626 There is no us. 1187 01:06:34,709 --> 01:06:38,418 I blew it. I walked out. The only thing that ever meant anything. 1188 01:06:38,501 --> 01:06:39,834 You. 1189 01:06:40,959 --> 01:06:45,334 Since I left you, my life has been... really quite bad. 1190 01:06:45,459 --> 01:06:48,793 Richard, it's all right. It's all right. 1191 01:06:48,876 --> 01:06:51,918 Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. 1192 01:06:52,668 --> 01:06:54,209 (SQUAWKING) 1193 01:06:54,334 --> 01:06:55,751 What is that? 1194 01:06:56,584 --> 01:06:57,584 The Kestrel. 1195 01:06:58,793 --> 01:07:01,751 - Sorry, I'm so sorry. - (CLIVE REVS THE STRIMMER) 1196 01:07:01,918 --> 01:07:05,293 (CLIVE CHUCKLES) 1197 01:07:05,418 --> 01:07:09,043 So he's not dead, he just fell asleep on the sunbed. 1198 01:07:09,251 --> 01:07:10,959 Put down the gardening equipment. 1199 01:07:11,084 --> 01:07:16,459 Get out of my house before I strim that stupid fucking wig off. 1200 01:07:16,626 --> 01:07:20,126 Where's my car? 1201 01:07:20,293 --> 01:07:21,959 Don't tell him, Clive. 1202 01:07:23,043 --> 01:07:26,626 - Pete took it for the parade. - What's going on? 1203 01:07:26,709 --> 01:07:28,543 Stay away. His brain's come loose. 1204 01:07:28,668 --> 01:07:30,668 Whatever happens next, 1205 01:07:30,751 --> 01:07:32,709 I want you to remember two things. 1206 01:07:32,793 --> 01:07:34,543 One, I'm innocent. 1207 01:07:35,584 --> 01:07:36,918 And two, 1208 01:07:37,876 --> 01:07:39,334 Daddy loves you. 1209 01:07:45,418 --> 01:07:47,459 Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, dear. 1210 01:07:47,584 --> 01:07:50,709 These are nothing to do with me. Dirty, dirty Richard. 1211 01:07:50,876 --> 01:07:53,918 - You're pathetic. - These aren't mine. 1212 01:07:54,084 --> 01:07:55,501 What are all these? 1213 01:07:55,584 --> 01:07:57,876 They're from my pen pal in France. 1214 01:08:02,668 --> 01:08:04,584 These are all from Richard. 1215 01:08:04,709 --> 01:08:06,543 I was trying to protect you, Pat. 1216 01:08:08,084 --> 01:08:09,751 The man is poison. 1217 01:08:11,709 --> 01:08:13,209 I'm going to work. 1218 01:08:18,584 --> 01:08:22,251 - RICHARD: There she blows. - MELLY: And a load of fake Mindhorns. 1219 01:08:27,543 --> 01:08:30,876 I really do think this could be the best Manx Day we've ever had. 1220 01:08:30,959 --> 01:08:34,334 - Sorry I'm late. - Better late than never. 1221 01:08:35,834 --> 01:08:40,001 I'll be making my speech slightly later than scheduled. 1222 01:08:40,126 --> 01:08:43,084 Um, I provided copies for you all. 1223 01:08:43,251 --> 01:08:46,126 They're on the table in the entrance hall. 1224 01:08:46,293 --> 01:08:49,793 Thanks, everyone. Go and join the madness. 1225 01:08:49,918 --> 01:08:51,251 All right? 1226 01:08:51,418 --> 01:08:52,959 Okay, thanks. 1227 01:08:56,126 --> 01:08:58,126 Pat, could I have a word? 1228 01:09:11,334 --> 01:09:13,084 Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat... 1229 01:09:14,751 --> 01:09:17,584 You know, don't you? 1230 01:09:22,709 --> 01:09:25,459 I'm in a bit of a pickle, aren't I? 1231 01:09:25,584 --> 01:09:29,251 I mean, you're a journalist, you're not going to keep it to yourself, 1232 01:09:29,334 --> 01:09:30,918 something this big. 1233 01:09:31,793 --> 01:09:34,668 How can I let you leave this room? 1234 01:09:34,751 --> 01:09:39,459 I absolutely cannot have people finding out that I am bald. 1235 01:09:46,918 --> 01:09:50,001 I think bald men are sexy. 1236 01:09:51,876 --> 01:09:53,084 I think you're right. 1237 01:09:53,209 --> 01:09:56,709 - (PHONE VIBRATES) - Oh, I'll have to take this. 1238 01:09:57,751 --> 01:10:01,293 BAINES: 'The tape's in the parade. I'm going after them.' 1239 01:10:03,918 --> 01:10:05,751 She knows. 1240 01:10:12,418 --> 01:10:16,626 Welcome, one and all, to the Manx Day parade. 1241 01:10:16,751 --> 01:10:19,293 We're going to have some great fun. 1242 01:10:19,418 --> 01:10:21,418 - (GOAT BLEATS) - Thank you. 1243 01:10:22,001 --> 01:10:26,084 I wonder who's going to win today's Float of the Year competition. 1244 01:10:26,251 --> 01:10:29,001 Could it be the really big spider, 1245 01:10:29,126 --> 01:10:32,251 or the two massive papier-mâché heads? 1246 01:10:32,418 --> 01:10:35,626 Or perhaps the crazy caterpillar, runner-up last year? 1247 01:10:35,709 --> 01:10:38,959 Fingers crossed for no more trapped ankles. 1248 01:10:39,043 --> 01:10:43,709 And there's Trevor in his intergalactic mobility scooter. 1249 01:10:44,251 --> 01:10:48,126 The Windjammer float there, always good fun. 1250 01:10:48,293 --> 01:10:52,626 It's the most successful TV programme ever made on the Isle of Man. 1251 01:10:52,709 --> 01:10:55,709 Oh, and look, it's the villain, 1252 01:10:55,793 --> 01:10:59,084 but Windjammer disarms him and saves the day. 1253 01:10:59,251 --> 01:11:00,834 Super stuff. 1254 01:11:00,918 --> 01:11:04,543 And, new this year, the Mindhorn contingent. 1255 01:11:04,709 --> 01:11:06,876 Remember Mindhorn, folks? 1256 01:11:07,001 --> 01:11:10,876 Mindhorn, of course, originally played by, um... 1257 01:11:11,001 --> 01:11:14,001 Oh, and who's this? Another Mindhorn. 1258 01:11:14,126 --> 01:11:18,251 And a crazy person, a sort of chicken man. 1259 01:11:26,293 --> 01:11:29,876 I don't remember the episode, "Mindhorn and the Chicken Man". 1260 01:11:30,001 --> 01:11:32,543 What's Mindhorn doing now? 1261 01:11:32,668 --> 01:11:38,126 No doubt finding some crucial piece of evidence to uncover the truth. 1262 01:11:39,251 --> 01:11:43,293 And here comes the baddie. Oh, no! 1263 01:11:46,626 --> 01:11:48,001 Wonderful lookalike. 1264 01:11:48,126 --> 01:11:53,293 Doesn't she look like Manx TV's very own Pat Deville? 1265 01:11:53,418 --> 01:11:55,459 (REVS ENGINE) 1266 01:11:55,584 --> 01:11:57,668 - Go, go, go! - I can't make it go. 1267 01:11:57,793 --> 01:12:00,584 I knew you hadn't passed your test, you naughty liar. 1268 01:12:01,084 --> 01:12:05,834 You can take my woman, but you can't take my fucking car. 1269 01:12:05,959 --> 01:12:07,709 - It won't go. - The handbrake's on. 1270 01:12:07,834 --> 01:12:09,084 Where's the handbrake? 1271 01:12:09,293 --> 01:12:11,001 - There! - Like a Formula 1 champion! 1272 01:12:12,293 --> 01:12:14,918 - Oh, shit! - (CROWD GASPS) 1273 01:12:15,959 --> 01:12:19,709 Fantastic! Full marks to the stuntman. 1274 01:12:19,834 --> 01:12:22,334 - I wasn't ready. - I can't actually drive. 1275 01:12:22,459 --> 01:12:23,959 - Get out! - I never learned. 1276 01:12:24,084 --> 01:12:26,251 - PAT: Oh, shut up! - RICHARD: Never had to. 1277 01:12:26,334 --> 01:12:28,876 I was driven everywhere so I didn't have to bother. 1278 01:12:29,043 --> 01:12:30,501 Hi, yep, hello. 1279 01:12:32,918 --> 01:12:36,209 MC: And here's the baddie retrieving her gun. 1280 01:12:36,376 --> 01:12:38,584 - PAT: Get in the car! - What? 1281 01:12:38,709 --> 01:12:40,793 - Oh! - MC: Classic! 1282 01:12:41,584 --> 01:12:42,959 (TYRES SCREECH) 1283 01:12:43,043 --> 01:12:45,876 MC: And now for the nail-biting finale... 1284 01:12:48,709 --> 01:12:51,043 Oh, bad luck, baddie. 1285 01:12:51,209 --> 01:12:54,293 And that's Mindhorn, winner of the day in my view. 1286 01:12:55,418 --> 01:12:56,751 Great stuff! 1287 01:13:02,251 --> 01:13:05,876 We're flying to the truth! 1288 01:13:06,001 --> 01:13:08,209 (SQUAWKING) 1289 01:13:22,834 --> 01:13:27,001 RICHARD: What are we doing? It's a dead-end. Where are we? 1290 01:13:28,126 --> 01:13:30,376 - This is your cove, Mindhorn. - What? 1291 01:13:30,543 --> 01:13:33,709 - PAT: Where do we go from here? - Well, the tunnels! 1292 01:13:34,751 --> 01:13:36,251 - Melly. - Melly, come on. 1293 01:13:41,126 --> 01:13:43,001 PAT: What's wrong? 1294 01:13:44,043 --> 01:13:47,001 That was... That was great, wasn't it? 1295 01:13:48,251 --> 01:13:50,001 You've been shot. 1296 01:13:50,126 --> 01:13:52,543 - You're bleeding. - No, no, no. Don't worry. 1297 01:13:52,668 --> 01:13:54,918 It's fake blood. 1298 01:13:55,043 --> 01:13:58,376 - Oh, no, that's there. - We have to get you some help. 1299 01:13:59,001 --> 01:14:01,834 - I'm dying, Mindhorn. - No, no, you're not. 1300 01:14:01,959 --> 01:14:03,709 - This is the end. - No. 1301 01:14:03,876 --> 01:14:07,626 - Go on without me. Leave me here. - I'm not leaving you. 1302 01:14:09,793 --> 01:14:11,709 Because I'm a good partner? 1303 01:14:11,793 --> 01:14:15,459 You're the best damn partner a man could ask for, Kestrel. 1304 01:14:15,584 --> 01:14:17,751 Your parents would be proud of you. 1305 01:14:17,834 --> 01:14:19,626 I'm proud of you. 1306 01:14:20,876 --> 01:14:22,459 Thanks, Mindhorn. 1307 01:14:23,668 --> 01:14:26,334 It's been an honour to be your partner. 1308 01:14:27,834 --> 01:14:30,668 Well, it's the best 15 minutes of my life. 1309 01:14:32,668 --> 01:14:35,793 Here's a copy of the tape. Now, go. 1310 01:14:35,918 --> 01:14:40,209 Promise me you'll clear my name, Mindhorn. 1311 01:14:40,793 --> 01:14:43,126 - I promise. - And promise me... 1312 01:14:43,293 --> 01:14:46,459 you two will finally get it together. 1313 01:14:46,626 --> 01:14:49,459 - Mm-hm. - I'm sorry, I can't promise you that. 1314 01:14:49,584 --> 01:14:52,251 I mean... yes. 1315 01:14:53,043 --> 01:14:55,293 Give him a kiss, Angela. 1316 01:15:04,001 --> 01:15:07,084 One last thing, Mindhorn. 1317 01:15:07,251 --> 01:15:11,293 Tell me the truth about Richard Thorncroft. 1318 01:15:12,709 --> 01:15:14,793 Who is he? 1319 01:15:16,834 --> 01:15:19,834 Let's just say, he's someone I used to know. 1320 01:15:19,959 --> 01:15:21,834 Right, that's... 1321 01:15:31,543 --> 01:15:33,793 You poor deluded fool. 1322 01:15:35,418 --> 01:15:38,084 I am Richard Thorncroft. 1323 01:15:50,251 --> 01:15:52,959 At least he didn't die in vain. 1324 01:15:55,126 --> 01:15:56,793 What the hell is this? 1325 01:15:59,834 --> 01:16:01,918 Yep, it's Plasticine. 1326 01:16:03,209 --> 01:16:06,209 Yep, it's a Plasticine copy. 1327 01:16:06,334 --> 01:16:09,376 Ha-ha! It's Plasticine! 1328 01:16:09,501 --> 01:16:12,251 (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) 1329 01:16:12,376 --> 01:16:14,543 (SCREAMS) 1330 01:16:20,793 --> 01:16:23,043 - Pat! - Quick. 1331 01:16:46,126 --> 01:16:48,668 DOLL: 'It's time for the apocalypse of justice.' 1332 01:16:59,293 --> 01:17:00,959 (STONES DISLODGING) 1333 01:17:01,084 --> 01:17:02,709 Baines, don't shoot. 1334 01:17:04,334 --> 01:17:08,543 We've got the tape. Richard has it. It's safe. I'll take you to him. 1335 01:17:08,626 --> 01:17:12,293 Maybe we can strike a deal. I don't want to see the mayor go down any more... 1336 01:17:12,459 --> 01:17:15,209 Jesus, Pat! Is that the best you can do? 1337 01:17:15,334 --> 01:17:18,668 - I thought you were a good actress. - She's good enough. 1338 01:17:19,334 --> 01:17:21,001 Lose the piece. 1339 01:17:24,376 --> 01:17:26,293 Turn around, slowly. 1340 01:17:27,543 --> 01:17:29,251 Hands in the air. 1341 01:17:30,959 --> 01:17:32,793 Now who's holding all the aces? 1342 01:17:32,918 --> 01:17:34,709 - Aargh! - Me, I think. 1343 01:17:34,834 --> 01:17:38,459 - Richard, you bloody idiot! - I didn't know she was going to do that. 1344 01:17:40,543 --> 01:17:42,793 No! Patricia! 1345 01:17:44,209 --> 01:17:45,751 Patricia, Patricia. 1346 01:17:45,876 --> 01:17:47,334 Richard. 1347 01:17:47,459 --> 01:17:50,293 - I'm so sorry. - No, I'm sorry. 1348 01:17:51,043 --> 01:17:54,626 - I never knew you wrote me those letters. - Shh, that doesn't matter now. 1349 01:17:54,709 --> 01:17:57,668 - Clive hid them from me. - What a wanker. 1350 01:17:58,793 --> 01:18:00,834 I'm sorry that I never believed you. 1351 01:18:00,959 --> 01:18:02,751 And I'm sorry. 1352 01:18:04,376 --> 01:18:06,918 I love you, Richard. 1353 01:18:13,584 --> 01:18:16,668 Fucking hell. Where's the tape, Richard? 1354 01:18:18,793 --> 01:18:20,501 There is no tape. 1355 01:18:21,126 --> 01:18:24,668 It's fake, like everything else in my life! 1356 01:18:25,709 --> 01:18:28,209 Without her, I may as well be dead. 1357 01:18:29,709 --> 01:18:31,876 That was just a figure of speech. 1358 01:18:34,709 --> 01:18:35,959 Why? 1359 01:18:37,209 --> 01:18:39,001 Why? 1360 01:18:40,584 --> 01:18:44,543 The Mayor's my uncle, so I've got to clean up his mess. 1361 01:18:44,668 --> 01:18:46,543 Family's family. 1362 01:18:47,876 --> 01:18:50,459 - My family runs Man. - Call an ambulance. 1363 01:18:51,418 --> 01:18:53,709 It's not too late. I can forget. 1364 01:18:53,793 --> 01:18:57,084 - What, that I killed Moncrief? - Yeah, that. 1365 01:19:00,793 --> 01:19:03,084 I can pretend I don't know that. 1366 01:19:03,209 --> 01:19:06,376 - I can pretend! - You're not that good an actor. 1367 01:19:13,543 --> 01:19:16,334 Baines, are you all right? 1368 01:19:16,459 --> 01:19:18,251 He shot Pat. 1369 01:19:19,126 --> 01:19:23,251 He killed her and then he tried to kill me and I... 1370 01:19:23,376 --> 01:19:27,126 I had to take him down. I had to take him down! 1371 01:19:30,959 --> 01:19:32,501 - Baines. - Chief. 1372 01:19:32,626 --> 01:19:34,834 There was nothing I could do, it was, er... 1373 01:19:34,959 --> 01:19:36,959 There was nothing I could do. 1374 01:19:40,418 --> 01:19:42,043 Nice working with you again. 1375 01:19:42,918 --> 01:19:45,376 What's going on, Thorncroft? 1376 01:19:45,543 --> 01:19:47,876 'The Mayor's my uncle, so I've got to clean up his mess.' 1377 01:19:47,959 --> 01:19:49,209 'I can forget.' 1378 01:19:49,334 --> 01:19:52,418 'What, that I killed Moncrief? You're not that good an actor.' 1379 01:19:52,543 --> 01:19:54,543 Aren't I? 1380 01:19:56,626 --> 01:19:57,751 JASMINE: Mum! 1381 01:19:57,876 --> 01:19:59,543 - PAT: Jasmine! - CLIVE: Not cool. 1382 01:19:59,668 --> 01:20:02,959 - Both sets of keys, give them to me. - Think about what you're doing, Baines. 1383 01:20:03,084 --> 01:20:04,876 Keys now or I'll blow her away. 1384 01:20:05,001 --> 01:20:07,751 Get your filthy hands off my daughter! 1385 01:20:09,126 --> 01:20:12,876 She's not your daughter, she's Windjammer's daughter. 1386 01:20:14,293 --> 01:20:17,834 - PAT: Clive, do something. - I'm not wearing appropriate footwear. 1387 01:20:17,959 --> 01:20:21,334 Stand down, Clive. It's time I did my own stunts. 1388 01:20:28,793 --> 01:20:30,668 It's Ginga time. 1389 01:20:46,001 --> 01:20:50,126 This is the Ginga. 1390 01:21:01,084 --> 01:21:05,501 I'm moving between the air. 1391 01:21:12,709 --> 01:21:14,459 I'm here. 1392 01:21:16,876 --> 01:21:20,334 I'm the bringer of the Ginga. 1393 01:21:23,334 --> 01:21:25,418 And that's Capoeira. 1394 01:21:29,251 --> 01:21:30,584 Jas. 1395 01:21:32,626 --> 01:21:34,251 Ah, the Mayor was her uncle. 1396 01:21:34,376 --> 01:21:37,834 Seems I was right about the limited gene pool. 1397 01:21:38,001 --> 01:21:40,543 I'm sorry that I rode you so hard back then. 1398 01:21:40,668 --> 01:21:43,084 I hope we can put our differences behind us. 1399 01:21:43,293 --> 01:21:45,959 I will if you will, and if it helps at all, 1400 01:21:46,084 --> 01:21:49,709 I was pretty wasted, I don't even remember that night with your wife. 1401 01:21:49,793 --> 01:21:52,751 - What night with my wife? - That's the spirit. 1402 01:21:53,751 --> 01:21:57,751 My God, Richard. That was so brave. It's a miracle you weren't shot. 1403 01:21:57,876 --> 01:22:00,209 Ah, no more lies. I have to be honest. 1404 01:22:00,293 --> 01:22:02,751 The truth is, I knew there were blanks in that gun. 1405 01:22:02,876 --> 01:22:06,293 No, no, this was Baines' gun. That was live ammunition. 1406 01:22:08,459 --> 01:22:09,709 (THUD) 1407 01:22:09,834 --> 01:22:11,209 Richard? 1408 01:22:12,543 --> 01:22:13,918 I've got you. 1409 01:22:14,626 --> 01:22:16,418 You got me all right. 1410 01:22:17,626 --> 01:22:20,084 And that is the truth. 1411 01:24:32,126 --> 01:24:34,959 ("CAN'T HANDCUFF THE WIND") 1412 01:24:44,293 --> 01:24:46,584 # We had some fun together 1413 01:24:46,709 --> 01:24:48,334 # But I never 1414 01:24:48,459 --> 01:24:51,293 # I never promised you forever 1415 01:24:52,376 --> 01:24:54,418 # No, no, no 1416 01:24:54,543 --> 01:24:58,376 # You can't handcuff the wind 1417 01:24:58,459 --> 01:25:01,709 # And if you try, you're gonna fail 1418 01:25:03,001 --> 01:25:06,251 # It's like trying to put thunder in jail 1419 01:25:06,418 --> 01:25:09,959 # You can't handcuff the wind 1420 01:25:10,709 --> 01:25:13,793 # And if you try, you're gonna fail 1421 01:25:15,126 --> 01:25:18,584 # It's like trying to put thunder in jail 1422 01:25:18,709 --> 01:25:20,209 # You can't handcuff the wind 1423 01:25:20,293 --> 01:25:23,001 # I feel the pull of the open road 1424 01:25:23,126 --> 01:25:25,959 # I'm heading out into the night 1425 01:25:26,126 --> 01:25:28,709 # You got to loosen up your grip, girl 1426 01:25:28,834 --> 01:25:32,084 # You're holding on a little too tight 1427 01:25:32,251 --> 01:25:34,751 # We rolled the dice, we played the game 1428 01:25:34,834 --> 01:25:37,959 # Now every card's been turned 1429 01:25:38,084 --> 01:25:40,959 # Girl, if you're trying to hold onto fire 1430 01:25:41,084 --> 01:25:46,376 - # You're gonna get burnt - # You can't handcuff the wind 1431 01:25:46,501 --> 01:25:49,584 # And if you try, you're gonna fail 1432 01:25:51,251 --> 01:25:54,543 # It's like trying to put thunder in jail 1433 01:25:54,668 --> 01:25:56,209 # You can't handcuff the wind 1434 01:25:56,376 --> 01:25:58,459 # And if you're trying to fence me in 1435 01:25:58,584 --> 01:26:02,918 # I'll break down those fences and run like a stallion in the night 1436 01:26:03,001 --> 01:26:06,293 # I'm gonna burn so bright like a white-hot flame 1437 01:26:06,418 --> 01:26:09,251 # Till everybody knows my name 1438 01:26:20,001 --> 01:26:22,751 # The open road, she calls my name 1439 01:26:22,834 --> 01:26:26,209 # This itching in my feet 1440 01:26:26,334 --> 01:26:28,626 # I got an engine that you can't tame 1441 01:26:28,709 --> 01:26:30,876 # Even with your mouth so sweet 1442 01:26:32,418 --> 01:26:34,376 # A thousand kisses and sad goodbyes 1443 01:26:34,501 --> 01:26:37,709 # But it's too late for any more 1444 01:26:37,834 --> 01:26:40,543 # The ferry to the mainland leaves at six 1445 01:26:40,668 --> 01:26:45,584 - # I got to be there 20 minutes before - # You can't handcuff the wind 1446 01:26:46,584 --> 01:26:49,543 # And if you try, you're gonna fail 1447 01:26:51,209 --> 01:26:54,418 # It's like trying to put thunder in jail 1448 01:26:54,543 --> 01:26:57,209 # You can't handcuff the wind... #