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(Welcome to the black parade
by my chemical romance plays)
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00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,698
♪ When I was a young boy
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00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:09,403
♪ my father took me
into the city
4
00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:13,873
♪ to see a marching band
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00:01:13,975 --> 00:01:17,610
♪ he said
"son, when you grow up
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00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:22,316
♪ "would you be the savior
of the broken
7
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♪ "the beaten and the damned?"
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♪ He said
"will you defeat them?
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♪ "Your demons
and all the non-believers
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♪ "the plans that
they have made?
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♪ "Because one day
I'll leave you
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♪ "a phantom to lead you
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♪ "in the summer
to join the black parade"
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♪ When I was a young boy
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♪ my father took me
into the city
16
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♪ to see a marching band
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♪ he said
"son, when you grow up
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♪ "would you be the savior
of the broken
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♪ "the beaten and the damned?"
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(Instrumental break playing)
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♪ Sometimes I get the feeling
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♪ she's watching over me
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♪ and other times
I feel like I should go
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♪ and through it all
the rise and fall
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♪ the bodies in the streets
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♪ and when you're gone
we want you all to know
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(indistinct chatter)
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ we'll carry on
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♪ and though
you're dead and gone
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♪ believe me
your memory will carry on
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(all cheering)
Yes!
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ and in my heart
I can't contain it
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♪ the anthem won't explain it
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00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,442
♪ a world that
sends you reeling
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♪ from decimated dreams...
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Fuck you!
Somebody get over here.
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Back up! Back up!
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♪ So paint it black
and take it back
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♪ let's shout it loud and clear
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♪ defiant to the end
we hear the call
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♪ to carry on
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♪ we'll carry on
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♪ and though
you're dead and gone
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♪ believe me
your memory will carry on
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♪ we'll carry on
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♪ and though you're broken
and defeated
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♪ your weary widow marches
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♪ on and on we carry
through the fears
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(men shouting indistinctly)
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♪ Disappointed faces
of your peers
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all right. Spread out. Ready?
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♪ 'Cause I could not
care at all
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♪ do or die
you'll never make me
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♪ because the world
will never take my heart
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♪ go and try
you'll never break me
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♪ we want it all
we wanna play this part
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♪ I won't explain or say
I'm sorry
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00:04:35,176 --> 00:04:38,212
♪ I'm unashamed
I'm gonna show my scar
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00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,847
♪ give a cheer
for all the broken
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♪ listen here
because it's who we are
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(exclaims)
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Whoo!
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♪ Just a boy
who had to sing this song
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♪ I'm just a man
I'm not a hero
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(cheering)
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♪ I don't care
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♪ we'll carry on
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00:04:57,565 --> 00:05:00,267
♪ we'll carry on
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(all cheering)
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00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:04,004
♪ Believe me
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00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:10,010
♪ your weary widow
marches on ♪
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(Song fades)
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(Indistinct shouting)
76
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:22,957
Jay: ♪ pork roll egg and cheese
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00:05:23,057 --> 00:05:24,358
♪ pork roll
egg and what?
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00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:26,093
♪ Pork roll
egg and cheese
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00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:27,928
♪ pork roll
egg and what? ♪
80
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Uh, uh, uh.
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00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:31,874
(Something's got to give
by roots of mine playing)
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Excuse me.
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00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:35,636
Yo, is anybody working or, uh...
84
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:37,004
You know what you want or what?
85
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,607
Yeah. Can I get three
snoogans prerolls?
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(Muttering)
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00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:43,310
$100 even.
88
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,212
Right.
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00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,514
♪ Tell me who
tell me who...
90
00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:49,116
Can you...
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♪ Profits off the life
of every dude
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♪ every sick
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(shushing)
Keep it down.
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00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:56,156
♪ Ask the schools
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(both whistling)
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00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:02,696
♪ Break the chains
reveal the lies... ♪
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00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:04,932
(Fake sneezes)
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00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,235
(Jay muttering)
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00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,172
Jay: Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
100
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What 'cha looking at, man?
101
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That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!
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(All whistling happy tune)
103
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Wait. Wait,
wait, wait.
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(Doorbell rings)
(Coltrane whistles)
105
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Your whistling is
affecting your carrying.
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(Objects clattering)
107
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,739
Pretty nifty planning.
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(Whispering indistinctly)
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(Snickering)
110
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,244
The fuck?
111
00:06:51,312 --> 00:06:53,080
Oh, uh... well,
'cause, um,
112
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nifty is slang for nft,
113
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,951
which is a non-fungible
token in our world.
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(Scoffs)
"Our world"?
115
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,355
Oh, my god, I knew it.
116
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You belong to one of
these religious death cults
117
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where they all wear
sneakers to bed
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before they kill themselves.
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For the last time, randal,
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I'm not in a
religious death cult.
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Block chain Coltrane
and I are co-founders
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of the Christian crypto club.
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(Heavy metal music playing)
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♪ Rip and tear! ♪
125
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This is either a lord
of the rings thing
126
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,679
or a Jesus thing.
Hmm.
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(Whispering)
(Snickers)
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(Elias chuckling)
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Block chain says that
Jesus saves souls,
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but we buy souls,
it's... (Sputters)
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It's pretty clever wordplay
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because the phantasma
chain's cryptocurrency unit
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is called the soul, so...
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(Chuckling) It's...
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You are killing me
this morning, you nut.
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Oh, shit,
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I think I get it now.
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Get what?
Nfts and crypto?
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No, not that
beanie baby bullshit.
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Talking about this pair of puds.
141
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Looks like Elias has
got his own silent Bob.
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Oh, this is quite a hand job.
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What?
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Jesus, these gen z
kids are fucked.
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Elias: Oh,
what a surprise.
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Randal has taken the lord's
name in vain again, Mr. Dante.
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Please stop calling me
Mr. Dante.
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You're 36-years-old.
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And not for nothing,
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but how's it taking
the lord's name in vain
151
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if I don't pray
to your Christian god?
152
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If you don't pray to god,
then who do you pray to?
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When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to crom.
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Who's crom?
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That's con an
the barbarian's god.
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Elias: You know
what, randal?
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I really wish you
didn't worship all your
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false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.
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Batman, the avengers,
wonder woman, aoc.
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Come on, man,
give crom a chance.
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He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,
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but homeboy's pretty
metal for a deity.
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00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:54,368
Well, joke's on you, randal,
because there's only one god.
164
00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:56,737
Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.
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Thor is a fictional character
who flies through outer space.
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(Scoffs)
So is your god.
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Mr. Dante.
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His god is the living
Christ, randal.
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His god is the living dead
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with all that goth-y shit like,
171
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drink my blood. That's
fucking vampire talk.
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00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,051
Mr. Dante!
Oh, no.
173
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My name is foo-foo and
this is between you two.
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(Scoffs)
175
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:18,725
(Objects clattering)
176
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:21,028
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, freeze.
177
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,999
What the fuck are these?
178
00:09:27,936 --> 00:09:29,736
Kites.
No shit.
179
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,371
But what are they doing here?
180
00:09:31,472 --> 00:09:33,240
I thought we could sell them.
181
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:36,477
Are you serious? Who
the fuck flies kites anymore?
182
00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:37,778
Lots of people.
183
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,514
Kids today love flying
kites. Kites are cool.
184
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,716
What century is
this, Ben Franklin,
185
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,551
and what kind of kid
in this day and age
186
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:46,153
would be remotely interested
187
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,655
in buying or flying
a fucking kite?
188
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,059
Did you see they have
Jesus on them?
189
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:55,062
Oh, well, all the
kids love Jesus.
190
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,563
Who in their right
mind is gonna buy
191
00:09:56,663 --> 00:09:58,765
one of your creepy Christ kites?
192
00:09:58,866 --> 00:09:59,968
I would.
(Scoffs)
193
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,169
You did, like, 30 times.
194
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,671
Maybe we can sell some online.
195
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,073
Randal: Online?
196
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,641
The only way anyone
on the Internet
197
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,409
would care about
this old-timey bullshit
198
00:10:09,510 --> 00:10:11,445
is if you shot a
tiktok trying to jam
199
00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:14,615
one of those Jesus kites
up your Christian dick hole.
200
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,650
(Both giggling)
201
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,452
Asshole.
Thank you.
202
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:20,263
You know what, randal? I
don't think there's anything
203
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,456
particularly "metal"
about blasphemy.
204
00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:26,026
Shah, blasphemy and
biting off a bat's head
205
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,028
are as metal as it gets.
206
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,897
(Sighs heavily)
207
00:10:29,998 --> 00:10:32,199
There were two men who
were crucified with Jesus, randal.
208
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,867
(Sighs) Holy fuck.
209
00:10:33,968 --> 00:10:36,203
A good thief and a bad thief.
210
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,538
If they were caught, I'd say
211
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,072
that makes them both
bad thieves.
212
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,841
The bad thief said,
213
00:10:40,942 --> 00:10:43,210
"if you are really
the son of god,
214
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,812
"get us down from here
and save us."
215
00:10:45,914 --> 00:10:47,848
So why is this guy
called "the bad thief"?
216
00:10:47,949 --> 00:10:50,584
Call him "the practical thief
with common fucking sense."
217
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:53,353
Ah. But the good
thief said,
218
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:57,926
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."
219
00:10:58,026 --> 00:11:00,193
What the fuck are butt thieves?
220
00:11:00,294 --> 00:11:03,063
Uh, well, then
the good thief said,
221
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,432
"Jesus, remember me
in your kingdom."
222
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,334
And Jesus said
to the good thief,
223
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,103
"today, you shall be
with me in paradise."
224
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,339
And paradise is a strip club.
225
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,541
It's not a strip club, randal.
226
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,644
It's heaven.
(Scoffs)
227
00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:19,981
So the moral of your
never ending story is,
228
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,649
even in heaven, it's
all about who you know.
229
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:25,152
(Inhales sharply)
The moral of the story
230
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,287
is if you didn't go to
heaven as a guest of Jesus,
231
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:28,555
like the good thief,
232
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,457
where did the bad
thief go, randal?
233
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,492
Not that I wanna
prolong your sermon,
234
00:11:32,593 --> 00:11:34,996
but how is it blasphemy
to remind a guy
235
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,463
he's the son of god?
236
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,332
Maybe the bad thief thought
237
00:11:38,432 --> 00:11:40,072
Jesus had a bourne
identity thing going on,
238
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,368
like Jesus fell off a boat,
239
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,236
hit his head and caught amnesia.
240
00:11:43,337 --> 00:11:45,272
He was born in a manger.
241
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,041
Now he's bourne again.
242
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:50,477
Matt Damon is Jesus bourne in...
243
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,546
The bourne nativity.
(Chuckles)
244
00:11:52,646 --> 00:11:54,448
Heavenly father, I beseech thee,
245
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,883
please smite
this braying heretic.
246
00:11:57,919 --> 00:11:59,653
(Breathes heavily) Oh.
247
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:03,024
Are you okay?
248
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,994
No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.
249
00:12:06,094 --> 00:12:07,127
Stop teasing me.
250
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,463
I'm not teasing, I...
251
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,298
I can't catch my breath, man.
252
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,934
Really? Should I try
mouth stuff?
253
00:12:13,034 --> 00:12:15,069
What is this, a tinder
date? Get off of me.
254
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,570
You said you can't breathe.
255
00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:19,040
(Breathes heavily)
I can breathe. I just...
256
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,240
I can't catch my breath.
257
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,451
What are you doing
with your arm?
258
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:23,143
I'm trying to breathe.
259
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,946
You're really sweating, randal.
260
00:12:25,046 --> 00:12:26,313
It's hot in here, man.
261
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,915
Can we open the door?
I got to...
262
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:30,918
Mr. Dante!
263
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,487
Oh, shit!
264
00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:35,756
I need an ambulance
at the quick stop.
265
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,591
(Siren blaring)
266
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:40,995
Woman: (Over pa system)
Dr. Ladenheim,
267
00:12:41,095 --> 00:12:42,696
report to the er.
268
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,331
Dr. Ladenheim...
269
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,067
You had to call an
ambulance, didn't you?
270
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:48,903
I just ate too much
fuckin' mooby's, that's all.
271
00:12:49,003 --> 00:12:51,171
Well, if you know what's wrong,
272
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,839
then I guess I can go home.
273
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,341
Are you the doctor?
274
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:55,943
I'm the doctor.
275
00:12:56,044 --> 00:12:58,079
Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.
276
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:01,348
(Cackling)
277
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,084
What in the fuck?
278
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,484
I apologize for my wardrobe.
279
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,286
I just came from a costume ball.
280
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,555
Listen, doc,
I'm okay. I just...
281
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,524
I can't catch my breath is all.
282
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,225
On a scale of one to ten,
283
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:13,469
how bad would you say
your pain level is?
284
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:14,361
Randal:
My pain level?
285
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:15,796
Like a negative three.
286
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,431
Well, you're doing it all wrong.
287
00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:18,808
You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain
288
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,434
when you have a heart attack.
289
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:22,170
Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?
290
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,637
No, that's not what I said.
291
00:13:23,737 --> 00:13:25,257
You misunderstood me.
Oh, thank Christ.
292
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,425
You're having a heart attack
293
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,308
right now as we speak,
294
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,844
a massive one, so we
have to act pretty quickly.
295
00:13:30,945 --> 00:13:33,014
I just wish I wasn't
so hung over.
296
00:13:33,114 --> 00:13:35,049
(Sighs)
I'm kidding.
297
00:13:35,149 --> 00:13:36,817
I'm gonna go get all glammed up
298
00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:38,494
for our big date and
I'll see you in the or.
299
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:39,886
Look at me.
Uh-huh.
300
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,364
Everything's gonna
be fine, all right?
301
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:42,456
Good. All right.
302
00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:44,324
He's not gonna make it.
303
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,560
Jesus, could someone
page the good witch?
304
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:48,695
What's next, a fucking munchkin?
305
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:52,033
(In sing-song voice)
Shave and a haircut two bits.
306
00:13:52,133 --> 00:13:54,768
Shave and a haircut two bits.
307
00:13:56,037 --> 00:13:57,997
(In normal voice) I see
that you met Dr. Ladenheim.
308
00:13:58,039 --> 00:14:01,943
And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.
309
00:14:02,043 --> 00:14:05,512
Surgery? No. The doctor
just said I'm going to the or.
310
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,748
Right! Which is short
for operating room
311
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:10,684
where they do... Ding,
ding, ding, surgery!
312
00:14:10,784 --> 00:14:12,552
She gotta get into your heart.
313
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,588
Uh, is the doctor gonna
crack his chest open?
314
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,590
Fuck.
No, no, no.
315
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,367
She's gonna thread a camera
through his femoral artery
316
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,827
up to his ticker through
a very small incision.
317
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,896
Where does
she make this incision?
318
00:14:22,997 --> 00:14:23,997
In the groin.
319
00:14:24,065 --> 00:14:25,766
The groin?
Come on.
320
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,477
So I gotta shave you.
(Electric shaver buzzing)
321
00:14:27,501 --> 00:14:29,103
Or I get to shave you,
322
00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:31,939
depending on how much you
love your job and I love mine.
323
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:35,842
So, as the wife says at
10:00 P.M. after dateline,
324
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,344
every single week,
325
00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:39,846
take off your pants.
326
00:14:41,182 --> 00:14:43,050
(Electric shaver buzzing)
327
00:14:43,151 --> 00:14:44,651
(Sighs)
328
00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:52,459
I gotta shave your groin,
sir, so underwear too.
329
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,661
First, can we
establish geography?
330
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,596
Like, where is the groin to you?
331
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,299
Where's the groin to me?
332
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,968
What is this,
a metaphysical question?
333
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,204
We're running out of
time here to save your life.
334
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,304
So come on, let's go.
335
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,439
(Electric shaver buzzing)
336
00:15:06,540 --> 00:15:08,341
Can you avert your
eyes, block your ears
337
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:09,977
and sing something, please?
338
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,280
Oh, for god sakes. What
do you want me to sing?
339
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:13,713
Not you, him.
Oh, right.
340
00:15:13,814 --> 00:15:15,482
All right, here's the deal,
341
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:16,117
nurse Jackie.
(Dante humming)
342
00:15:16,217 --> 00:15:17,651
Mmm.
343
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,686
I got a really small dick, okay?
344
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,756
I promise you, it's
nothing I've not seen before
345
00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:25,226
because I work in
pediatrics. (Dante humming)
346
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,793
If I take off my underwear,
347
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:29,230
everyone in the er is
gonna see my little dick
348
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,932
including my friend here,
349
00:15:31,032 --> 00:15:32,775
who thinks I got a giant cock
'cause I've been lying to him
350
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,701
about it since we
were 12. (Grunts)
351
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,636
Is this a long fable, aesop?
352
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:37,948
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
353
00:15:37,972 --> 00:15:39,974
give you a little
more privacy...
354
00:15:40,074 --> 00:15:42,109
There you go.
Oh, thanks for that.
355
00:15:43,978 --> 00:15:45,947
Unfortunately, this is
as far as you can go
356
00:15:46,047 --> 00:15:49,116
but we do have a waiting
room that's right down this hall.
357
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,419
I'll be right here
when you get out, man.
358
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,588
You got this.
(Sniffles)
359
00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:56,123
(Exhales deeply)
360
00:15:56,224 --> 00:15:58,358
(Soft music playing)
361
00:16:04,932 --> 00:16:09,502
♪ You got an idea
we can rock the night
362
00:16:09,603 --> 00:16:11,504
paramedic: We've got
a female with multiple
363
00:16:11,605 --> 00:16:13,207
c-spine complications,
internal bleeding
364
00:16:13,307 --> 00:16:14,541
and multiple lacerations.
365
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,911
Blood pressure,
100 over seven...
366
00:16:17,011 --> 00:16:20,614
♪ Let's both make a promise
that we can't say... ♪
367
00:16:22,016 --> 00:16:24,185
Er nurse: We're
losing her. Starting cpr.
368
00:16:24,285 --> 00:16:27,288
(Indistinct chatter)
369
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,823
(Indistinct pa announcement)
370
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,128
Dr. Ladenheim: (Gasps)
Why has he still
371
00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:35,829
got his underpants on?
372
00:16:35,930 --> 00:16:38,232
How am I supposed to
get to his femoral artery
373
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:39,733
if he's wearing squeezies?
374
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,335
Male nurse:
(Sputters) I told him,
375
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,745
but he's got some
body shame issues.
376
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:43,981
(Dr. Ladenheim sighs)
Look, doc,
377
00:16:44,005 --> 00:16:45,373
I got a really small dick.
378
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:46,974
I'm trying to save your life
379
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,517
and you're worried
about your little dick?
380
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,210
We don't have time for this.
381
00:16:49,310 --> 00:16:50,677
Whoa!
382
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:54,447
(Sobbing) This is all my fault.
383
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,516
No, it is not, Elias.
384
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:59,853
I prayed to god to smite randal
385
00:16:59,954 --> 00:17:04,292
so Jesus attacked his
heart at my command.
386
00:17:04,392 --> 00:17:05,892
(Sobbing)
387
00:17:05,993 --> 00:17:08,428
Randal's mother
had heart trouble, too.
388
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,399
(Sniffles) No, I gotta
make Jesus reverse this.
389
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,267
Pray with me,
Mr. Dante.
390
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:14,936
(Exhales sharply)
391
00:17:15,036 --> 00:17:19,506
Oh, my sweet savior,
hear your gentle servant.
392
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,609
Spare the heretic
I damned in jest.
393
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,478
Remember the words
of the good thief.
394
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:27,747
Jesus did no wrong,
395
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,018
whereas we are but thieves.
396
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,854
Dr. Ladenheim: A-ha.
What's up, doc?
397
00:17:34,956 --> 00:17:37,557
I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo
398
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:38,825
that you're a superhero fan,
399
00:17:38,926 --> 00:17:40,328
so you might appreciate this.
400
00:17:40,428 --> 00:17:41,628
Uh-huh.
You know,
401
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,230
they have a name for the type
402
00:17:43,331 --> 00:17:44,507
of heart attack you're
having right now.
403
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:45,933
Really? Okay.
404
00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:47,935
They call it the widow-maker.
405
00:17:48,035 --> 00:17:50,104
Now, doesn't that
sound like some bad guy
406
00:17:50,204 --> 00:17:52,505
that ranger danger
has to fight? (Chuckles)
407
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,674
Why do they call it
the widow-maker?
408
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,476
Because in 80% of the cases
409
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,113
when there's 100% occlusion
like what you have now?
410
00:17:59,213 --> 00:18:02,283
Hands down, patient
always dies, always.
411
00:18:02,383 --> 00:18:03,918
Oh, fuck.
412
00:18:04,018 --> 00:18:05,752
But don't worry, you're
gonna be in the 20%
413
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,289
because keeping you
alive is good for my brand.
414
00:18:08,389 --> 00:18:10,024
Now, if you excuse me,
415
00:18:10,124 --> 00:18:12,259
I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch
416
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,928
and I'm gonna make
a little magic,
417
00:18:14,028 --> 00:18:15,997
but I could use all the
help that we can get.
418
00:18:16,097 --> 00:18:17,630
So, if you remember any prayers
419
00:18:17,731 --> 00:18:19,532
from when you were a kid,
420
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:20,810
now would be a terrific
time to dust those off.
421
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,669
(Randal groans softly)
422
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,206
Are you there, crom?
423
00:18:25,306 --> 00:18:26,974
It's me, randal.
424
00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:29,243
(Echoes slightly)
Please don't let me die.
425
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:32,980
He won't answer me.
426
00:18:35,416 --> 00:18:37,018
After all this time...
427
00:18:37,952 --> 00:18:40,653
Devoting my life to god.
428
00:18:40,754 --> 00:18:44,025
Jesus has abandoned
all of us at quick stop.
429
00:18:44,125 --> 00:18:47,328
I think Jesus was always
more of a wawa guy.
430
00:18:47,428 --> 00:18:50,897
(Sighs) Yeah, well,
you know what I think?
431
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,635
I think I wasted my
life believing in bullshit.
432
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,138
I've been conned.
433
00:18:57,238 --> 00:19:00,274
Fairy tales, faith
and pledging fealty
434
00:19:00,374 --> 00:19:04,145
to a fictional fucking
phantom. And for what?
435
00:19:04,245 --> 00:19:06,313
In my darkest hour
when I need him most,
436
00:19:06,414 --> 00:19:08,983
the lord totally ghosts me.
437
00:19:11,085 --> 00:19:14,554
Well, to hell with all
that made up Jesus jive.
438
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,290
(Necklace clatters)
439
00:19:17,391 --> 00:19:20,560
(Exhales deeply)
Save randal this night,
440
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,130
and I will swear my soul to you,
441
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:26,167
oh, sweet Satan.
442
00:19:26,267 --> 00:19:27,834
Satan? Oh,
buddy, no.
443
00:19:27,935 --> 00:19:31,604
I mean, isn't he kind of like
the optimus prime of evil?
444
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,573
You don't have to
condescend to me.
445
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,342
You can just say Megatron.
446
00:19:35,443 --> 00:19:37,978
I'm kind of
a transformers virgin.
447
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:40,381
(Sighs) Well,
448
00:19:40,481 --> 00:19:42,249
I'm an actual virgin,
449
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,617
so I know Satan's
gonna want my soul.
450
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,154
For what?
Evil.
451
00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:51,092
And butt sex probably.
452
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,229
Do you have any lube?
Are you...
453
00:19:55,329 --> 00:19:56,663
No!
454
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:58,765
(Loudly) I don't deserve lube!
455
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,700
Take me, Satan!
456
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,169
Jesus! Pull up
your pants.
457
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,904
Make me your concubine! Jesus...
458
00:20:04,004 --> 00:20:05,406
Pull up your pants.
No, stop it.
459
00:20:05,506 --> 00:20:06,941
I have to fuck Satan.
460
00:20:07,041 --> 00:20:10,511
And that's when, I shit you not,
461
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,746
Luke fuckin' Skywalker shows up.
462
00:20:13,847 --> 00:20:15,425
Dr. Ladenheim: Uh-huh.
And I'm talking about
463
00:20:15,449 --> 00:20:18,385
the young, fuckable Luke
from return of the jedi,
464
00:20:18,486 --> 00:20:21,122
not the gran Torino,
"get off my lawn"
465
00:20:21,222 --> 00:20:23,790
Luke from the last jedi.
Dr. Ladenheim: Okay.
466
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,658
Quick heart update,
Mr. Graves.
467
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:27,727
Uh-huh.
During your thorough
468
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,497
retelling of
the star wars show...
469
00:20:29,597 --> 00:20:31,198
The Mandalorian, season two.
470
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,134
I was able to get
the stent in place.
471
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:34,935
So this is where
I need your help now.
472
00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:36,779
I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do
473
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,105
is tell me when you feel
474
00:20:38,205 --> 00:20:39,907
the pressure lets up.
All right?
475
00:20:40,007 --> 00:20:41,808
Let's do this, mcdreamy.
476
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,444
"This is the way."
477
00:20:43,544 --> 00:20:44,979
The way to what?
478
00:20:45,079 --> 00:20:47,615
Oh, that's a saying
from the Mandalorian.
479
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:50,117
Huh?
The star wars show.
480
00:20:50,217 --> 00:20:51,919
Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause
481
00:20:52,019 --> 00:20:53,796
on all your pop culture
references for a minute
482
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:56,490
just until we open
the stent on three.
483
00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:59,226
One, two, three!
(Gasping)
484
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:00,961
Oh!
485
00:21:01,061 --> 00:21:05,132
Holy shit, I can
fucking breathe again.
486
00:21:05,232 --> 00:21:06,967
Does this mean
I'm gonna live now?
487
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:09,103
Yes, because
I'm an amazing doctor.
488
00:21:09,203 --> 00:21:12,006
You're a better doctor
than doctor strange
489
00:21:12,106 --> 00:21:15,109
and doctor zaius
combined. Doctor who?
490
00:21:15,209 --> 00:21:17,077
Oh, no, I don't watch that show,
491
00:21:17,178 --> 00:21:21,115
but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive.
492
00:21:21,215 --> 00:21:22,316
(Laughs)
493
00:21:22,416 --> 00:21:24,585
"Mazel tov!"
As the Chinese say.
494
00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:25,920
Thank you, doctor.
495
00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:28,389
Thank you for saving my life.
496
00:21:28,489 --> 00:21:31,358
You're like the Batman of
heart surgery. (Chuckles)
497
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:32,792
Yeah?
498
00:21:32,892 --> 00:21:34,137
(Speaking gruffly)
With great power
499
00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,462
comes great responsibility.
500
00:21:35,563 --> 00:21:37,164
What the fuck was that?
501
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,336
You're alive!
Dante: You're alive!
502
00:21:42,436 --> 00:21:44,737
Are you okay? If that
was a heart attack,
503
00:21:44,837 --> 00:21:47,942
I'll take another one. That
shit was easy. (Chuckles)
504
00:21:48,042 --> 00:21:50,843
Okay, you must be on
a lot of drugs right now.
505
00:21:50,945 --> 00:21:52,879
No, they didn't give
me nothing in there.
506
00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:54,548
I had to do the
whole thing sober.
507
00:21:54,648 --> 00:21:57,451
He's high as a kite on fentanyl.
508
00:21:57,551 --> 00:22:00,087
Kite imagery, very cool.
509
00:22:00,187 --> 00:22:02,755
See, randal,
kites are in the air.
510
00:22:02,855 --> 00:22:04,325
Stop with the fucking kites.
511
00:22:04,425 --> 00:22:06,002
Dr. Ladenheim: One
more thing, Mr. Graves,
512
00:22:06,026 --> 00:22:08,895
since you were really
preoccupied about it,
513
00:22:08,996 --> 00:22:13,167
so much so that you
wasted time and nearly died,
514
00:22:13,267 --> 00:22:15,102
your penis is not that small.
515
00:22:15,202 --> 00:22:17,304
It's not that big,
but it's not that small.
516
00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:20,341
(Chuckles) That's the
best news I heard all day.
517
00:22:20,441 --> 00:22:21,741
(Chuckling weakly)
518
00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:26,447
Dante: Is he gonna
be okay?
519
00:22:26,547 --> 00:22:27,715
How do I help?
520
00:22:27,814 --> 00:22:29,149
Well, if you care about him,
521
00:22:29,250 --> 00:22:31,218
you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.
522
00:22:31,318 --> 00:22:33,721
The guy's got more cholesterol
in his arteries than blood.
523
00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:36,257
Got it. From now on, I'm
only gonna order him food
524
00:22:36,357 --> 00:22:37,857
off the vegan menu at mooby's.
525
00:22:37,958 --> 00:22:39,693
Him and you.
Me?
526
00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:40,995
If you're around his age
527
00:22:41,095 --> 00:22:42,795
and eat the same diet
as your friend,
528
00:22:42,895 --> 00:22:44,864
you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.
529
00:22:44,965 --> 00:22:46,667
Will do.
530
00:22:46,766 --> 00:22:48,144
But here's something
I want you to keep
531
00:22:48,168 --> 00:22:50,137
an eye out for
as regards to randal.
532
00:22:50,237 --> 00:22:51,405
Okay.
533
00:22:51,505 --> 00:22:53,741
Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression
534
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,442
after they've had
a heart attack.
535
00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:57,554
Now your friend might sound
or act differently now because
536
00:22:57,578 --> 00:23:00,047
he's come face to face
with his own mortality.
537
00:23:00,147 --> 00:23:02,616
So, for the next few months,
538
00:23:02,716 --> 00:23:04,718
do whatever you can do
539
00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:07,787
to help randal
keep his spirits up.
540
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:09,089
All right?
541
00:23:09,189 --> 00:23:11,392
Now, my bill is in the mail.
542
00:23:14,695 --> 00:23:16,172
(Whatever it takes
by Lisa dalbello playing)
543
00:23:16,196 --> 00:23:17,797
Judgy.
544
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,233
♪ Whatever it takes
545
00:23:21,101 --> 00:23:23,270
♪ I know I can make it
546
00:23:25,472 --> 00:23:27,941
♪ I know
I can make it through
547
00:23:28,942 --> 00:23:30,244
(song fades)
548
00:23:33,747 --> 00:23:35,582
I brought you a hat.
549
00:23:35,683 --> 00:23:37,151
Yeah. Thanks.
550
00:23:38,786 --> 00:23:39,996
I can't believe
you're still awake
551
00:23:40,020 --> 00:23:41,388
after the day
you've been through.
552
00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:44,325
Yeah, I can't sleep.
553
00:23:45,825 --> 00:23:47,294
There was only a 20% chance
554
00:23:47,394 --> 00:23:50,597
I was gonna make it out
of that or alive tonight.
555
00:23:50,698 --> 00:23:52,533
Hmm. Is that right?
556
00:23:52,633 --> 00:23:55,369
I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying
557
00:23:55,469 --> 00:23:57,438
any time I leave my apartment.
558
00:23:58,305 --> 00:24:00,240
But today,
559
00:24:00,341 --> 00:24:04,044
there was an 80% chance
everything for me
560
00:24:04,144 --> 00:24:06,013
was just gonna stop.
561
00:24:07,214 --> 00:24:09,116
There was an 80% chance
562
00:24:09,216 --> 00:24:11,296
you and I were never gonna
talk about star wars again.
563
00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:14,154
There was an 80% chance
564
00:24:14,254 --> 00:24:15,855
I would never know
for a medical fact,
565
00:24:15,956 --> 00:24:18,258
I got a normal-sized dick.
566
00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:20,060
You always said it was huge.
567
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,528
I was gonna miss a lot of shit
568
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:23,931
if you didn't call
that ambulance today.
569
00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:27,634
You saved my life, man.
570
00:24:27,735 --> 00:24:29,236
(Clicks tongue) Oh.
571
00:24:29,336 --> 00:24:31,972
I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.
572
00:24:32,072 --> 00:24:33,073
Dante:
Come on, man.
573
00:24:33,173 --> 00:24:35,509
What are you talking about?
574
00:24:35,609 --> 00:24:36,777
When I was lying there,
575
00:24:36,876 --> 00:24:39,480
wondering if I was gonna die,
576
00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:43,350
I saw the whole movie of
my life flash before my eyes.
577
00:24:44,952 --> 00:24:46,320
You know what?
578
00:24:47,087 --> 00:24:49,089
It sucked. (Scoffs)
579
00:24:50,724 --> 00:24:53,994
I always thought, hoped...
580
00:24:54,094 --> 00:24:58,065
That my life was building
towards something.
581
00:24:58,165 --> 00:25:00,300
Turns out it was
just the hospital.
582
00:25:00,401 --> 00:25:01,602
What are you talking about?
583
00:25:01,702 --> 00:25:03,704
We built our own business.
584
00:25:03,804 --> 00:25:06,373
So I co-own a
convenience store. Big deal.
585
00:25:06,473 --> 00:25:09,176
I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.
586
00:25:09,276 --> 00:25:11,378
I never fell in love like you.
587
00:25:11,478 --> 00:25:13,180
If I'd have
dropped dead tonight,
588
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:16,316
only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.
589
00:25:16,417 --> 00:25:20,354
I mean, look at me,
man, I'm almost 50.
590
00:25:20,454 --> 00:25:22,156
I sit around and watch the same
591
00:25:22,256 --> 00:25:24,291
stupid movies over and over.
592
00:25:24,792 --> 00:25:25,993
(Sighs)
593
00:25:26,093 --> 00:25:28,262
The fuck is wrong with me?
594
00:25:28,896 --> 00:25:30,931
I don't know.
595
00:25:31,031 --> 00:25:32,599
You know so much
about all that stuff.
596
00:25:32,699 --> 00:25:35,002
I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.
597
00:25:42,776 --> 00:25:44,211
Holy shit.
598
00:25:45,078 --> 00:25:46,346
You're right.
599
00:25:49,616 --> 00:25:52,186
I could make
a pretty cool movie.
600
00:25:52,286 --> 00:25:54,755
I've been watching
movies all my life,
601
00:25:54,855 --> 00:25:56,657
I've seen all these
people tell their stories
602
00:25:56,757 --> 00:25:59,526
and never once thought
about trying to tell mine.
603
00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:00,961
Well, fuck that, man.
604
00:26:01,061 --> 00:26:02,563
Since I almost died tonight,
605
00:26:02,663 --> 00:26:05,132
now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.
606
00:26:05,232 --> 00:26:07,167
So, no more watching movies
607
00:26:07,267 --> 00:26:09,136
because when
I get out of here...
608
00:26:10,404 --> 00:26:13,140
I'm gonna make a movie!
609
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,075
(Machine beeping)
610
00:26:19,580 --> 00:26:20,781
Dante: A movie?
611
00:26:20,881 --> 00:26:22,625
Don't you have to go to
film school or something?
612
00:26:22,649 --> 00:26:26,286
It's like 75 g's a year
to go to nyu film school.
613
00:26:26,386 --> 00:26:28,923
And you know what those
kids pay all that money for?
614
00:26:29,022 --> 00:26:31,258
I don't know.
To watch movies.
615
00:26:31,358 --> 00:26:34,261
I worked in a video
store for 20 years
616
00:26:34,361 --> 00:26:36,563
where I sat around and
watched movies all day, too.
617
00:26:36,663 --> 00:26:40,234
So basically, I went
to my own film school.
618
00:26:40,334 --> 00:26:43,303
Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,
619
00:26:43,403 --> 00:26:45,506
doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.
620
00:26:45,606 --> 00:26:47,508
(Scoffs) Tell that
to Quentin Tarantino.
621
00:26:47,608 --> 00:26:49,610
Oh, now you're
Quentin Tarantino?
622
00:26:49,710 --> 00:26:53,380
I'm not saying I'm gonna
make a movie as good as him,
623
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,182
but I'm not good at sex either,
624
00:26:55,282 --> 00:26:56,961
and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.
625
00:26:56,985 --> 00:26:58,185
(Scoffs)
626
00:27:06,026 --> 00:27:07,661
Dante: You wanna
shoot a movie here,
627
00:27:07,761 --> 00:27:09,396
at the quick stop?
628
00:27:09,496 --> 00:27:11,441
Yeah, I've seen convenience
stores in flicks before,
629
00:27:11,465 --> 00:27:13,400
but I've never seen
an entire flick
630
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,135
set in a convenience store.
631
00:27:15,235 --> 00:27:16,803
Because who would
wanna watch that?
632
00:27:16,905 --> 00:27:19,139
I mean, it's my life and
I barely wanna live it.
633
00:27:19,239 --> 00:27:21,808
This movie's meant
to memorialize my life.
634
00:27:21,910 --> 00:27:23,210
And since I spent the last
635
00:27:23,310 --> 00:27:24,654
30 years of my life
working here...
636
00:27:24,678 --> 00:27:26,246
Oh. Working?
637
00:27:26,346 --> 00:27:28,382
I got plenty of
convenience stories
638
00:27:28,482 --> 00:27:30,183
to put into a screenplay.
639
00:27:30,284 --> 00:27:32,152
Convenience stories.
Good title.
640
00:27:32,252 --> 00:27:33,955
Well, what kind of
convenience stories
641
00:27:34,087 --> 00:27:35,422
are we talking about here?
642
00:27:35,522 --> 00:27:37,457
(Laughs) Remember
the time we went to
643
00:27:37,558 --> 00:27:40,193
Julie dwyer's funeral and
you knocked the casket over?
644
00:27:40,294 --> 00:27:42,229
You knocked the casket over.
645
00:27:42,997 --> 00:27:44,097
I did?
(Sighs)
646
00:27:44,197 --> 00:27:45,866
Well, that's a scene now.
647
00:27:45,967 --> 00:27:47,610
Or how about the time
the old guy was jerking off
648
00:27:47,634 --> 00:27:49,336
in the bathroom
and dropped dead?
649
00:27:49,436 --> 00:27:51,204
That's totally a scene, man.
650
00:27:51,305 --> 00:27:53,007
I mean, all the shit
you and I have said
651
00:27:53,106 --> 00:27:54,308
sitting at this counter,
652
00:27:54,408 --> 00:27:55,842
these are all scenes now, man.
653
00:27:55,944 --> 00:27:57,554
How about the time you
burned the store down?
654
00:27:57,578 --> 00:27:59,179
Is that gonna be a scene?
655
00:27:59,279 --> 00:28:00,456
I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.
656
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,682
Uh-huh.
(Door opens)
657
00:28:03,116 --> 00:28:04,116
Randal: Hey, hey!
658
00:28:04,184 --> 00:28:05,752
Motley crew neck.
659
00:28:07,287 --> 00:28:09,323
Anyone in your
Christian crypto club
660
00:28:09,423 --> 00:28:12,259
got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?
661
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:14,028
It's called the crimson
crypto club now.
662
00:28:14,127 --> 00:28:16,597
Our first drops gonna
be all crypto kites.
663
00:28:16,697 --> 00:28:18,465
Oh, put that shit
away, elon muskrat.
664
00:28:18,565 --> 00:28:20,233
What do you guys
need a camera for?
665
00:28:20,334 --> 00:28:22,536
Randal: Mmm. Randal
wants to make a movie.
666
00:28:22,636 --> 00:28:24,204
Ooh, like a pornography movie?
667
00:28:24,304 --> 00:28:26,106
No, like a movie-movie,
668
00:28:26,206 --> 00:28:28,308
one with actors and a screenplay
669
00:28:28,408 --> 00:28:30,110
and crafty. (Laughs)
670
00:28:30,210 --> 00:28:31,511
What's crafty?
671
00:28:31,612 --> 00:28:33,146
That's where the,
uh, crew hangs out
672
00:28:33,246 --> 00:28:34,414
and practices witchcraft,
673
00:28:34,514 --> 00:28:36,316
you little devil worship per.
674
00:28:36,883 --> 00:28:38,251
Cool.
675
00:28:38,352 --> 00:28:40,989
Crafty is where you
find all the food on set.
676
00:28:41,089 --> 00:28:42,298
But if you're shooting in here,
677
00:28:42,322 --> 00:28:44,092
I guess the whole
store's crafty.
678
00:28:44,191 --> 00:28:45,759
What's the movie gonna be about?
679
00:28:45,859 --> 00:28:47,403
Mmm, it's gonna be
about an hour and a half.
680
00:28:47,427 --> 00:28:48,930
I hate long movies.
681
00:28:49,030 --> 00:28:51,398
It's about him working
here. Elias: Wow.
682
00:28:51,498 --> 00:28:53,467
Meta. Never seen
a whole movie
683
00:28:53,567 --> 00:28:55,135
set in a convenience
store before.
684
00:28:55,235 --> 00:28:56,971
Right? Thank you.
685
00:28:57,071 --> 00:28:59,007
I'm gonna fill the script
with all the weird shit
686
00:28:59,107 --> 00:29:00,187
me and Dante have ever said
687
00:29:00,273 --> 00:29:01,308
or seen around here
688
00:29:01,408 --> 00:29:02,776
over the years.
Oh.
689
00:29:02,876 --> 00:29:04,354
You should put in that
stuff you used to say
690
00:29:04,378 --> 00:29:05,779
about the death star
contractors.
691
00:29:05,879 --> 00:29:08,548
(Scoffs) Get sued
by Disney? Fuck that.
692
00:29:08,649 --> 00:29:10,617
Besides, I don't want
this movie to be about
693
00:29:10,717 --> 00:29:12,719
other movies. I want
it to be about me.
694
00:29:12,819 --> 00:29:14,488
It's my flick,
so I wanna write about
695
00:29:14,588 --> 00:29:16,124
the things that I do.
696
00:29:16,223 --> 00:29:18,558
Like, um, like how we
play hockey on the rooftop.
697
00:29:18,659 --> 00:29:21,228
I've never seen that done
in a movie or a TV show,
698
00:29:21,328 --> 00:29:23,597
even though it's
just fucking practical.
699
00:29:23,697 --> 00:29:25,265
(Laughs) Remember that fight
700
00:29:25,365 --> 00:29:26,476
where I hit you in the
face with the bread?
701
00:29:26,500 --> 00:29:28,002
Ooh, that could be a scene.
702
00:29:28,102 --> 00:29:29,904
Or the time I spit
water on that old guy?
703
00:29:30,004 --> 00:29:32,339
That's, like, the
fucking opening scene.
704
00:29:32,439 --> 00:29:34,008
Ooh, I got an idea.
705
00:29:34,108 --> 00:29:35,828
Maybe Jay and silent
Bob could be characters.
706
00:29:35,910 --> 00:29:38,345
That is the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.
707
00:29:38,445 --> 00:29:39,756
Dante: Well, you're
still gonna have
708
00:29:39,780 --> 00:29:41,248
to get them involved
if you wanna set
709
00:29:41,348 --> 00:29:42,859
any of the scenes
in your old video store.
710
00:29:42,883 --> 00:29:44,685
All right. Watch
the register, dawg.
711
00:29:44,785 --> 00:29:47,454
We got to go talk to
the Warner brothers.
712
00:29:48,789 --> 00:29:51,191
What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.
713
00:29:51,291 --> 00:29:53,061
Almost.
What happened
714
00:29:53,161 --> 00:29:55,063
is I was taking a shit
in the high grass
715
00:29:55,163 --> 00:29:56,263
when a rattlesnake came up
716
00:29:56,363 --> 00:29:58,198
and bit me right on the asshole.
717
00:29:58,298 --> 00:30:00,300
But like the good friend he is,
718
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:02,602
Dante sucked the poison out.
719
00:30:02,703 --> 00:30:05,505
See? It happened
to them, too, man.
720
00:30:05,605 --> 00:30:07,483
Well, listen, when we
thought you were dead, man,
721
00:30:07,507 --> 00:30:09,543
I felt really, really bad
722
00:30:09,643 --> 00:30:11,254
'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out
723
00:30:11,278 --> 00:30:12,612
in front of this
store and stuff,
724
00:30:12,713 --> 00:30:14,848
I forgot to give you something.
725
00:30:24,224 --> 00:30:25,692
Dental school?
726
00:30:25,792 --> 00:30:29,296
Me and veggie dick
rented that shit in 1994,
727
00:30:29,396 --> 00:30:30,797
but we never watched it
728
00:30:30,897 --> 00:30:33,300
'cause we didn't have
a VCR. (Chuckles)
729
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:35,502
But now, you can
put it on the shelf
730
00:30:35,602 --> 00:30:37,871
in the video store.
Oh, yeah.
731
00:30:37,972 --> 00:30:40,942
Uh, the video store
closed ten years ago.
732
00:30:42,843 --> 00:30:44,112
It did?
733
00:30:44,212 --> 00:30:46,413
This was the video store.
734
00:30:51,618 --> 00:30:53,187
Oh, yeah, I'm getting senile
735
00:30:53,286 --> 00:30:54,846
and shit right there,
you know? (Laughs)
736
00:30:54,922 --> 00:30:57,858
So listen, how much
we owe you for late fees?
737
00:30:57,959 --> 00:31:03,164
(Scoffs) Uh, well, let's
see, a dollar a day for what,
738
00:31:03,263 --> 00:31:06,466
26, 28 years?
739
00:31:06,566 --> 00:31:12,572
That's, like,
approximately... $10,220.
740
00:31:14,341 --> 00:31:15,776
Oh, didn't rewind.
741
00:31:16,610 --> 00:31:20,413
$10,220 and 50 cents.
742
00:31:22,150 --> 00:31:24,018
You take crypto?
743
00:31:24,118 --> 00:31:25,585
You guys got crypto?
744
00:31:27,255 --> 00:31:28,388
No.
745
00:31:28,488 --> 00:31:29,756
If you never watched it,
746
00:31:29,856 --> 00:31:31,591
why was it not rewound? Yeah.
747
00:31:31,691 --> 00:31:33,928
Hey, asshole, I said
we didn't have a VCR.
748
00:31:34,028 --> 00:31:36,797
We watched it. We
held it up to the light.
749
00:31:37,664 --> 00:31:38,933
(Chuckles)
Fucking luddite.
750
00:31:39,033 --> 00:31:41,035
Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees
751
00:31:41,135 --> 00:31:44,205
on the 28-year-old copy
of dental school
752
00:31:44,304 --> 00:31:45,704
if you let us shoot
a movie in here.
753
00:31:45,739 --> 00:31:48,075
Ooh, a pornography movie?
754
00:31:48,176 --> 00:31:50,510
No, it's not a porno movie.
755
00:31:50,610 --> 00:31:53,780
Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying
756
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:58,385
'cause I am the clit commander!
757
00:31:58,485 --> 00:31:59,820
Snootchie bootchies.
758
00:31:59,921 --> 00:32:01,989
(7-Eleven nachos
by froggy playing)
759
00:32:05,026 --> 00:32:07,327
♪ I love nachos
760
00:32:07,427 --> 00:32:09,863
♪ nachos from 7-Eleven
761
00:32:09,964 --> 00:32:11,966
♪ I know that
they're bad for me
762
00:32:12,066 --> 00:32:15,069
♪ when I eat them
I'm in heaven
763
00:32:15,169 --> 00:32:17,271
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
764
00:32:17,370 --> 00:32:19,606
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
765
00:32:19,706 --> 00:32:21,976
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
766
00:32:22,076 --> 00:32:25,412
♪ Liquid toppings
taste so good ♪
767
00:32:30,184 --> 00:32:31,418
Goodnight.
768
00:32:32,019 --> 00:32:33,520
Thirty-seven?
769
00:32:37,490 --> 00:32:38,792
That's not a scene, randal.
770
00:32:38,892 --> 00:32:40,294
Stop writing it right now.
771
00:32:40,393 --> 00:32:41,895
Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.
772
00:32:41,996 --> 00:32:44,664
(Shouting) Shut the
fuck up. It's nighttime!
773
00:32:49,203 --> 00:32:51,404
Dante: "In convenience"?
774
00:32:51,504 --> 00:32:53,174
It's the story of my life.
775
00:32:53,274 --> 00:32:55,276
Hundred and sixty-eight
pages full of dick jokes,
776
00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:56,543
set in a convenience store,
777
00:32:56,643 --> 00:32:58,378
written in one night.
778
00:32:58,478 --> 00:33:00,248
Maybe don't tell
people that last part.
779
00:33:00,348 --> 00:33:02,883
I thought, you were gonna
call it "convenience stories."
780
00:33:02,984 --> 00:33:05,286
Yeah, that shit
sounded too precious.
781
00:33:05,385 --> 00:33:06,620
What am I, Wes Anderson?
782
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,189
(Chuckles) Not based
on this script.
783
00:33:08,289 --> 00:33:09,656
"There is only one return
784
00:33:09,756 --> 00:33:11,993
"and it ain't of the
king, it's of the jedi."
785
00:33:12,093 --> 00:33:13,627
Hmm.
Elias: Hey.
786
00:33:13,727 --> 00:33:15,129
You said that same
thing about return
787
00:33:15,229 --> 00:33:16,897
the day that guy
threw up in mooby's
788
00:33:16,998 --> 00:33:18,632
and you made me
clean it. Randal: Yeah.
789
00:33:18,732 --> 00:33:20,043
Everything in the
script is something
790
00:33:20,067 --> 00:33:21,369
either me or someone
I know said,
791
00:33:21,468 --> 00:33:22,669
I just made up new names.
792
00:33:22,769 --> 00:33:24,071
What am I, some kind of writer?
793
00:33:24,171 --> 00:33:25,572
(Whispering)
Ah, yes.
794
00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:27,341
Block chain would
like to understand
795
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:29,643
why the two girls are
into this "Dan-t" character
796
00:33:29,743 --> 00:33:31,946
when the Randy
character is much funnier.
797
00:33:32,046 --> 00:33:33,546
Randy has been asking himself
798
00:33:33,647 --> 00:33:35,116
the same question
his whole life.
799
00:33:35,216 --> 00:33:36,816
What's wrong
with Dan-t? (Scoffs)
800
00:33:36,918 --> 00:33:39,153
Read his first scene on page 37.
801
00:33:39,253 --> 00:33:40,687
Dante: Are you
kidding me?
802
00:33:40,787 --> 00:33:42,199
I'm in this convenience
store way more than you,
803
00:33:42,223 --> 00:33:43,423
but I don't come into your
804
00:33:43,523 --> 00:33:45,259
convenience store
movie 'til page 37?
805
00:33:45,359 --> 00:33:47,295
I had a lot of exposition to do.
806
00:33:47,395 --> 00:33:48,828
(Sighs) "Enter Dan-t.
807
00:33:48,930 --> 00:33:51,399
"A hideous fuckin' chud
of a man." What the fuck?
808
00:33:51,498 --> 00:33:53,566
Randal: Well,
maybe Dan-t's not you.
809
00:33:53,667 --> 00:33:54,969
Do you ever think of that?
810
00:33:55,069 --> 00:33:57,271
"Dan-t's hideous
fuckin' chud of a beard
811
00:33:57,371 --> 00:34:00,473
"doesn't suggest Tony stark
so much as a male crack whore
812
00:34:00,573 --> 00:34:02,209
"who is cosplaying
as Tony stark."
813
00:34:02,310 --> 00:34:04,345
That's just in the
screen direction.
814
00:34:04,444 --> 00:34:05,980
Nobody actually calls Dan-t
815
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:08,581
"a hideous fuckin'
chud." To his face.
816
00:34:08,682 --> 00:34:09,783
I can't believe you made me
817
00:34:09,883 --> 00:34:11,551
sign a non-disclosure agreement,
818
00:34:11,651 --> 00:34:13,187
only to read that I'm not even
819
00:34:13,287 --> 00:34:14,998
one of the main characters
in the story of your life.
820
00:34:15,022 --> 00:34:16,523
I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,
821
00:34:16,623 --> 00:34:18,023
but I thought I was
at least the han.
822
00:34:18,059 --> 00:34:19,659
Oh, come on, I'm the han
823
00:34:19,759 --> 00:34:20,839
and the Luke, right? (Scoffs)
824
00:34:20,894 --> 00:34:23,463
Then who am I, the Chewie?
825
00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,166
I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?
826
00:34:25,266 --> 00:34:27,201
Unless this is empire
then I'm the lando
827
00:34:27,301 --> 00:34:28,668
and he's the lobot.
828
00:34:28,768 --> 00:34:30,071
I'm not even the lobot?
829
00:34:30,171 --> 00:34:31,571
Which one's lobot?
830
00:34:31,671 --> 00:34:32,815
He's the one with the
headphones who looks like
831
00:34:32,839 --> 00:34:34,039
a dad who's trying to be a dj.
832
00:34:34,108 --> 00:34:35,709
The bald fucker from be spin
833
00:34:35,809 --> 00:34:37,220
who never says
nothing the whole movie.
834
00:34:37,244 --> 00:34:39,180
Wouldn't that make
silent Bob the lobot?
835
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:42,849
No. Jay and silent Bob are
clearly the C-3PO and r2-d2.
836
00:34:42,950 --> 00:34:44,790
I mean, they've been
here since the first movie,
837
00:34:44,818 --> 00:34:46,753
which was the last
time they were cool,
838
00:34:46,853 --> 00:34:48,688
but they've been with
the franchise so long
839
00:34:48,788 --> 00:34:49,957
they still give them cameos
840
00:34:50,057 --> 00:34:51,524
and put them on the lunchboxes.
841
00:34:51,624 --> 00:34:55,262
So if I'm not Luke,
han, Chewie, lando,
842
00:34:55,363 --> 00:34:56,863
the droids or the lobot,
843
00:34:56,964 --> 00:34:58,665
then who the fuck
am I in your star wars,
844
00:34:58,765 --> 00:35:00,667
Princess fucking Leia? No.
845
00:35:00,767 --> 00:35:02,136
You're the dak.
846
00:35:02,236 --> 00:35:04,537
Who the fuck is dak?
847
00:35:04,637 --> 00:35:06,073
He's Luke Skywalker's
tail gunner
848
00:35:06,173 --> 00:35:07,841
in the battle of hoth.
849
00:35:07,942 --> 00:35:09,410
You know, the guy who's ready
850
00:35:09,509 --> 00:35:10,911
to take on the whole
empire himself
851
00:35:11,012 --> 00:35:12,621
until the empire kills
the shit out of him?
852
00:35:12,645 --> 00:35:15,782
(Scoffs) Did dak even
get an action figure?
853
00:35:15,882 --> 00:35:18,019
Not in the classic
kenner line, no.
854
00:35:18,119 --> 00:35:19,719
Because?
855
00:35:19,819 --> 00:35:21,465
Because he was deemed
unimportant to the story.
856
00:35:21,489 --> 00:35:22,923
But that's just bullshit, man.
857
00:35:23,024 --> 00:35:26,260
Without dak, Luke
could have never...
858
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:30,164
Like, dak was the only
guy that's, like, uh...
859
00:35:30,264 --> 00:35:33,867
I mean, dak was plucky
as shit, man, just like you.
860
00:35:33,968 --> 00:35:35,936
Uh, I have a question
about the script.
861
00:35:36,037 --> 00:35:37,304
Great, more fuckin' notes.
862
00:35:37,405 --> 00:35:39,073
Go ahead.
Elias: Yes.
863
00:35:39,173 --> 00:35:41,875
Uh, I have a problem
with the friar fuck character,
864
00:35:41,976 --> 00:35:43,610
who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.
865
00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:46,380
Friar fuck, uh, loves Jesus,
866
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,783
uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.
867
00:35:50,217 --> 00:35:51,385
And?
868
00:35:51,485 --> 00:35:54,088
And Elias is a born
again satanist.
869
00:35:54,188 --> 00:35:56,023
Because it was Satan
who saved you
870
00:35:56,123 --> 00:35:58,591
when my prayers fell
on the deaf ears of Jesus,
871
00:35:58,691 --> 00:36:00,660
the giant jerk off.
(Spitting)
872
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:02,363
All right, listen
up, friar fuck.
873
00:36:02,463 --> 00:36:03,763
I get that you just broke up
874
00:36:03,863 --> 00:36:05,732
with your boyfriend
Jesus recently,
875
00:36:05,832 --> 00:36:07,734
and clearly you're going
through some couture
876
00:36:07,834 --> 00:36:09,437
and cosmetic stuff
because of it.
877
00:36:09,537 --> 00:36:11,372
But for the first 36
years of your life,
878
00:36:11,472 --> 00:36:14,341
you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,
879
00:36:14,442 --> 00:36:17,610
and that's the Elias
that I based friar fuck on.
880
00:36:17,710 --> 00:36:19,413
Then this script
is based on lies.
881
00:36:19,513 --> 00:36:20,880
Welcome to the movie biz.
882
00:36:20,981 --> 00:36:23,583
There's no truth in this art!
883
00:36:23,683 --> 00:36:24,851
Jesus.
884
00:36:24,952 --> 00:36:27,555
Everyone's a critic.
885
00:36:27,654 --> 00:36:28,888
So, what do we do next?
886
00:36:28,989 --> 00:36:30,723
What are you asking dak for?
887
00:36:30,824 --> 00:36:33,527
Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.
888
00:36:33,626 --> 00:36:35,563
That's your job.
Me?
889
00:36:35,662 --> 00:36:37,364
What do I know about producing?
890
00:36:37,465 --> 00:36:39,145
Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.
891
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:40,700
I can't do everything, man.
892
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:42,769
All right. What does
a producer do?
893
00:36:42,869 --> 00:36:45,506
Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,
894
00:36:45,605 --> 00:36:48,175
secure a dp,
and most importantly,
895
00:36:48,275 --> 00:36:49,809
find us financing.
896
00:36:49,910 --> 00:36:52,879
What, I gotta get money, too?
897
00:36:52,980 --> 00:36:54,348
How much are we
talking about here?
898
00:36:54,448 --> 00:36:56,517
Mmm, 25 grand.
899
00:36:56,616 --> 00:36:59,420
$25,000?
900
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,123
Well, technically, it's $27,575
901
00:37:02,223 --> 00:37:04,023
but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.
902
00:37:04,091 --> 00:37:05,559
Where the fuck
am I supposed to find
903
00:37:05,658 --> 00:37:06,893
that kind of money from?
904
00:37:06,994 --> 00:37:08,695
We can find that kind of cash.
905
00:37:09,296 --> 00:37:10,830
What? How?
906
00:37:10,931 --> 00:37:12,509
We launch our crypto
kite nfts next month.
907
00:37:12,533 --> 00:37:13,867
So the crimson crypto club
908
00:37:13,968 --> 00:37:15,145
could have a lot
of money to invest
909
00:37:15,169 --> 00:37:16,703
if the crypto kites fly.
910
00:37:16,803 --> 00:37:18,439
Randal: Again
with the fucking kites.
911
00:37:18,539 --> 00:37:20,975
Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,
912
00:37:21,075 --> 00:37:23,110
not your make pretend
matrix money,
913
00:37:23,210 --> 00:37:25,246
you fuckin' kite fucker.
914
00:37:25,346 --> 00:37:27,656
I'm sick and tired of the kite
killing attitude around here.
915
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:28,916
(Scoffing)
916
00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:31,751
(Door opens)
917
00:37:31,851 --> 00:37:33,354
Randal: Anyway,
back to the budget.
918
00:37:33,454 --> 00:37:34,830
What if we took out a
loan against the store?
919
00:37:34,854 --> 00:37:36,190
A loan?
920
00:37:36,290 --> 00:37:38,058
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just
921
00:37:38,159 --> 00:37:39,702
slow down a minute
and think about this first?
922
00:37:39,726 --> 00:37:41,728
Slow down?
I almost died, man.
923
00:37:41,828 --> 00:37:43,364
It doesn't get
any slower than that.
924
00:37:43,464 --> 00:37:46,066
I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.
925
00:37:46,167 --> 00:37:47,800
Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?
926
00:37:47,902 --> 00:37:49,262
You're the guy
who can never decide
927
00:37:49,303 --> 00:37:51,005
whether to shit
or get off the pot.
928
00:37:51,105 --> 00:37:53,140
Well, I don't have
time for that anymore.
929
00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:55,142
From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks
930
00:37:55,242 --> 00:37:57,178
or what's the point
of being here?
931
00:37:57,278 --> 00:37:58,379
So, come on, man,
932
00:37:58,479 --> 00:38:00,680
get behind me
when I shit for once.
933
00:38:00,780 --> 00:38:03,284
So I can what, wipe your ass?
934
00:38:03,384 --> 00:38:04,952
(Scoffs)
935
00:38:05,052 --> 00:38:06,496
You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,
936
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:09,089
but find someone else
to take your shit.
937
00:38:09,789 --> 00:38:10,790
(Door closes)
938
00:38:10,890 --> 00:38:13,127
(Melancholy music playing)
939
00:38:27,942 --> 00:38:31,579
Becky: Well, well,
well, here he is.
940
00:38:31,679 --> 00:38:33,380
The escape artist.
941
00:38:35,748 --> 00:38:38,052
I sit on your grave.
942
00:38:38,152 --> 00:38:40,955
(Chuckles) Didn't we have
that movie at the video store?
943
00:38:41,055 --> 00:38:42,957
I spit on your grave.
944
00:38:43,057 --> 00:38:44,857
Hicks, you spit on
my grave in a dream,
945
00:38:44,959 --> 00:38:46,493
you better wake up
and apologize.
946
00:38:46,594 --> 00:38:47,794
Ah...
947
00:38:47,894 --> 00:38:50,030
So this is a dream.
Uh, if it is,
948
00:38:50,130 --> 00:38:52,832
then you need to learn
to dream bigger.
949
00:38:52,933 --> 00:38:54,168
I mean, really,
950
00:38:54,268 --> 00:38:55,835
this is the best
that you can do?
951
00:38:56,704 --> 00:38:58,172
A cemetery?
952
00:38:58,272 --> 00:39:01,675
You can't dream us into sex...
953
00:39:01,774 --> 00:39:03,244
On the beach...
954
00:39:03,911 --> 00:39:06,146
In Hawaii?
955
00:39:06,247 --> 00:39:08,649
Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.
956
00:39:08,748 --> 00:39:10,718
(Groans)
I'm an old man.
957
00:39:10,817 --> 00:39:13,087
I'll have you know
that being dead only
958
00:39:13,187 --> 00:39:15,589
increases your sex drive.
959
00:39:15,689 --> 00:39:16,756
(Laughs)
960
00:39:16,856 --> 00:39:19,627
The dead live to fuck.
961
00:39:19,727 --> 00:39:21,562
So you have sex
in the afterlife?
962
00:39:21,662 --> 00:39:23,097
Hell's yeah.
963
00:39:23,197 --> 00:39:25,165
There's nothing to do
in heaven except fuck.
964
00:39:25,266 --> 00:39:27,534
(Scoffs) That's what
makes it heaven.
965
00:39:27,635 --> 00:39:29,937
I can't believe my wife's
having sex with dead people.
966
00:39:30,037 --> 00:39:31,272
Famous dead people.
967
00:39:31,372 --> 00:39:33,107
I'm on the celebrity
circuit now.
968
00:39:33,207 --> 00:39:35,051
Bullshit. Name one famous
person you fucked in heaven.
969
00:39:35,075 --> 00:39:37,077
One. Okay.
(Smacks lips)
970
00:39:37,177 --> 00:39:41,115
I have knocked boots with
the ghost of Cleopatra, sir.
971
00:39:41,215 --> 00:39:43,350
Oh.
And miles Davis
972
00:39:43,450 --> 00:39:46,086
and Frederick
douglass, together.
973
00:39:47,187 --> 00:39:49,323
George Washington...
What?
974
00:39:49,423 --> 00:39:51,158
Carver.
Oh.
975
00:39:51,258 --> 00:39:52,778
You know how much
I love peanut butter.
976
00:39:52,825 --> 00:39:54,728
True.
Who else?
977
00:39:54,827 --> 00:39:56,163
Um, Carl sagan.
978
00:39:56,263 --> 00:39:58,465
Oh!
A real thinker.
979
00:39:58,565 --> 00:39:59,799
Um...
980
00:40:00,701 --> 00:40:02,670
Malcolm X.
981
00:40:02,770 --> 00:40:05,339
Malcolm triple x.
Oh, settle down.
982
00:40:05,439 --> 00:40:08,108
And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.
983
00:40:08,208 --> 00:40:10,544
Uh, yeah, they're famous.
984
00:40:11,111 --> 00:40:12,913
(Both chuckling)
985
00:40:17,318 --> 00:40:19,086
You think I want
this, don't you?
986
00:40:20,853 --> 00:40:23,090
You carrying the torch for me?
987
00:40:24,525 --> 00:40:26,826
I told you how I feel
about romantic love, Hicks.
988
00:40:26,927 --> 00:40:28,495
Oh, I remember.
989
00:40:28,595 --> 00:40:31,131
You were very convincing. Mmm.
990
00:40:31,231 --> 00:40:33,233
Right up until the day
I proposed.
991
00:40:35,369 --> 00:40:37,471
We only knew each other
for, like, 15 minutes.
992
00:40:37,571 --> 00:40:40,541
You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.
993
00:40:40,641 --> 00:40:41,841
So what do you want me to do?
994
00:40:41,942 --> 00:40:43,876
You want me to just
forget about you?
995
00:40:43,977 --> 00:40:46,413
You were all
I ever dreamed about.
996
00:40:47,014 --> 00:40:48,282
Both of you.
997
00:40:50,050 --> 00:40:51,884
(Becky sighs)
(Tearfully) Now...
998
00:40:53,387 --> 00:40:56,223
God, I'm so alone.
999
00:40:57,691 --> 00:40:58,726
(Crying)
1000
00:40:58,826 --> 00:41:00,294
(Softly) I know.
1001
00:41:01,795 --> 00:41:03,597
I know losing me and grace...
1002
00:41:04,732 --> 00:41:05,999
Broke you.
1003
00:41:07,601 --> 00:41:09,937
But you don't know
how lucky you have it.
1004
00:41:10,037 --> 00:41:11,538
What?
1005
00:41:11,638 --> 00:41:14,908
The book of life is
closed for the two of us.
1006
00:41:15,008 --> 00:41:17,578
But you... can still
turn a page.
1007
00:41:17,678 --> 00:41:20,581
You get to keep writing
the story of your life.
1008
00:41:20,681 --> 00:41:23,584
Why bother without you?
1009
00:41:23,684 --> 00:41:27,054
Because there are
more tales to tell, Hicks.
1010
00:41:28,355 --> 00:41:30,491
As long as you're alive,
1011
00:41:30,591 --> 00:41:33,293
you can always
start another chapter.
1012
00:41:34,728 --> 00:41:39,266
So live while you can,
love while you can.
1013
00:41:41,602 --> 00:41:42,903
God damn it.
1014
00:41:45,172 --> 00:41:46,540
Dream bigger.
1015
00:41:48,041 --> 00:41:49,376
(Sniffles)
1016
00:41:49,476 --> 00:41:52,146
That all sounds pretty romantic
1017
00:41:52,246 --> 00:41:55,082
coming from a girl who
doesn't believe in romantic love.
1018
00:41:55,182 --> 00:41:57,050
I don't believe
in romantic love.
1019
00:41:57,151 --> 00:41:59,119
That's my girl.
1020
00:42:01,221 --> 00:42:02,689
But I do believe in you.
1021
00:42:06,059 --> 00:42:07,928
(Becky chuckles)
1022
00:42:12,833 --> 00:42:14,034
(Sighs)
1023
00:42:16,837 --> 00:42:19,006
(Rock music playing)
1024
00:42:31,618 --> 00:42:33,530
Hey, I wanna thank you
guys for having me here today.
1025
00:42:33,554 --> 00:42:36,290
I've always wanted
to be an actor.
1026
00:42:36,390 --> 00:42:37,691
Nice.
1027
00:42:37,791 --> 00:42:42,396
I'm not even supposed
to be here today!
1028
00:42:42,496 --> 00:42:44,198
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
1029
00:42:44,298 --> 00:42:45,966
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
1030
00:42:46,066 --> 00:42:48,836
I'm not even supposed to
be here today. (Sobbing)
1031
00:42:48,937 --> 00:42:51,371
(Speaking Spanish)
1032
00:42:51,472 --> 00:42:53,383
(Strained) I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
1033
00:42:53,407 --> 00:42:54,975
I'm not even supposed
1034
00:42:55,075 --> 00:42:58,479
to fucking be here
to fucking day, fucks.
1035
00:42:58,579 --> 00:43:01,448
Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.
1036
00:43:01,548 --> 00:43:03,183
I'm not even supposed
to be here.
1037
00:43:03,283 --> 00:43:05,385
By the power of grayskull,
1038
00:43:05,486 --> 00:43:11,058
I am not supposed
to be here today!
1039
00:43:11,158 --> 00:43:12,526
Hey, I'm Joe.
1040
00:43:12,626 --> 00:43:14,261
Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,
1041
00:43:14,361 --> 00:43:16,430
and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...
1042
00:43:16,530 --> 00:43:18,532
I am not even supposed
to be here today.
1043
00:43:19,867 --> 00:43:21,568
Damn right.
1044
00:43:21,668 --> 00:43:23,871
Uh... (Humming)
1045
00:43:23,972 --> 00:43:25,907
Lion face. (Roars)
1046
00:43:26,006 --> 00:43:28,575
Lemon face. (Grunting)
1047
00:43:28,675 --> 00:43:32,479
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
1048
00:43:32,579 --> 00:43:34,414
Um... (Clears throat)
A little about me.
1049
00:43:34,515 --> 00:43:36,918
I'm known professionally
as Boston John.
1050
00:43:37,017 --> 00:43:38,652
That's a nom de plume.
1051
00:43:38,752 --> 00:43:42,456
Uh, Robert De Niro is
my fuckin'... Lone star.
1052
00:43:42,556 --> 00:43:44,691
You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...
1053
00:43:44,791 --> 00:43:47,694
Close your eyes. Just
listen. Ready? All right?
1054
00:43:47,794 --> 00:43:49,964
(Mimicking Robert De Niro)
I have nipples, Greg.
1055
00:43:50,063 --> 00:43:51,966
Could you milk me?
1056
00:43:52,065 --> 00:43:54,735
Fuck, that is one,
bitch. All day.
1057
00:43:54,835 --> 00:43:56,905
Can you give me one
like Schwarzenegger?
1058
00:43:57,005 --> 00:43:59,339
(Mimics Arnold) I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
1059
00:43:59,439 --> 00:44:01,875
But can you, uh,
Pacino that shit?
1060
00:44:01,976 --> 00:44:02,977
(Mimics al Pacino)
Ooh-ah!
1061
00:44:03,076 --> 00:44:04,645
(Shouts) When, lord?
1062
00:44:04,745 --> 00:44:08,148
When will I see
the god damn sailboat?
1063
00:44:09,516 --> 00:44:13,053
That came from a real
deep personal place.
1064
00:44:13,153 --> 00:44:14,454
I have a bfa.
1065
00:44:14,555 --> 00:44:16,123
Uh, I'm a theater
background actor.
1066
00:44:16,223 --> 00:44:18,125
As an actor with
a theater background,
1067
00:44:18,225 --> 00:44:20,028
I was classically
trained in New York.
1068
00:44:20,127 --> 00:44:21,828
Have you actually thought
1069
00:44:21,930 --> 00:44:23,172
about going musical with
this? 'Cause it could be...
1070
00:44:23,196 --> 00:44:24,298
♪ I'm not even...
1071
00:44:24,398 --> 00:44:26,700
Supposed to be here.
1072
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:30,470
♪ Today ♪
1073
00:44:30,571 --> 00:44:33,407
Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!
1074
00:44:33,507 --> 00:44:36,243
Kick ball change and
snap, snap, jazz hands.
1075
00:44:36,343 --> 00:44:38,478
That is beautiful, man.
1076
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:41,448
Freddie prinze Jr.
1077
00:44:43,150 --> 00:44:44,986
"I'll fuck anything
that moves."
1078
00:44:45,085 --> 00:44:47,021
Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?
1079
00:44:47,120 --> 00:44:48,990
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1080
00:44:49,089 --> 00:44:50,357
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1081
00:44:50,457 --> 00:44:51,993
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1082
00:44:52,092 --> 00:44:53,372
That's a little bit
in your face.
1083
00:44:53,460 --> 00:44:55,128
Let me try it
like this, hold on.
1084
00:44:55,228 --> 00:44:57,106
Can I borrow your underpants
for about ten minutes?
1085
00:44:57,130 --> 00:44:58,699
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1086
00:44:58,799 --> 00:44:59,901
And, fool,
1087
00:45:00,001 --> 00:45:02,436
I always carry a machete.
1088
00:45:02,536 --> 00:45:05,772
I'll fuck anything that moves!
1089
00:45:05,872 --> 00:45:07,608
Sounds like the guy
I buy weed from.
1090
00:45:07,708 --> 00:45:08,977
You know what this movie needs?
1091
00:45:09,077 --> 00:45:11,478
Deez. Deez nuts!
1092
00:45:11,578 --> 00:45:13,513
Can I just offer you
a piece of advice?
1093
00:45:13,614 --> 00:45:15,315
You know what this
script needs right here?
1094
00:45:15,415 --> 00:45:18,019
Like an old lady
that says curse words.
1095
00:45:18,118 --> 00:45:19,853
Holy shit.
1096
00:45:19,954 --> 00:45:22,689
Who wrote this garbage? His
mother should be ashamed.
1097
00:45:22,789 --> 00:45:24,391
(Inhaling)
1098
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:27,996
The fuck?
1099
00:45:28,096 --> 00:45:30,230
He's auditioning
for silent bill.
1100
00:45:30,932 --> 00:45:32,866
(Scoffing)
1101
00:45:32,967 --> 00:45:34,635
I don't know if you know
sound of music,
1102
00:45:34,735 --> 00:45:36,412
the marionettes were
the best part of that.
1103
00:45:36,436 --> 00:45:39,941
I think that's why
they won oscars.
1104
00:45:40,041 --> 00:45:41,775
It's worth thinking about
1105
00:45:41,875 --> 00:45:45,178
maybe doing the whole
movie with marionettes.
1106
00:45:49,850 --> 00:45:51,551
(Rock music fades)
1107
00:45:53,720 --> 00:45:55,089
Take your heart pills, tin man.
1108
00:45:55,188 --> 00:45:56,757
Hey.
1109
00:45:56,857 --> 00:45:58,592
So, how's it going
with the financing?
1110
00:45:58,692 --> 00:46:00,227
You raise my money, yet?
1111
00:46:00,327 --> 00:46:01,595
If it's your money,
1112
00:46:01,695 --> 00:46:03,064
then how come
I have to raise it?
1113
00:46:03,163 --> 00:46:04,698
That's Hollywood.
(Chuckles)
1114
00:46:04,798 --> 00:46:06,134
Did you finish
reading the script?
1115
00:46:06,233 --> 00:46:07,300
Last night.
1116
00:46:07,401 --> 00:46:09,137
And? It's funny,
right?
1117
00:46:09,236 --> 00:46:10,972
It's funny,
1118
00:46:11,072 --> 00:46:13,607
but it was like my entire
life flashed before my eyes.
1119
00:46:13,707 --> 00:46:16,144
My life flashed
before your eyes.
1120
00:46:16,243 --> 00:46:18,612
I was glad you left
some stuff out.
1121
00:46:20,714 --> 00:46:21,748
So, uh...
1122
00:46:21,848 --> 00:46:24,052
Which one of these guys
gets to play me?
1123
00:46:24,152 --> 00:46:25,352
Well, the guys are too young
1124
00:46:25,452 --> 00:46:27,254
and hot to play you.
What the fuck?
1125
00:46:27,354 --> 00:46:30,091
And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.
1126
00:46:30,223 --> 00:46:31,463
So then, what are you gonna do?
1127
00:46:31,558 --> 00:46:34,194
I'm gonna play my part myself.
1128
00:46:34,294 --> 00:46:36,263
(Rock music continues)
1129
00:46:42,335 --> 00:46:43,537
(Camera shutter clicks)
1130
00:46:44,371 --> 00:46:45,739
(Camera shutter clicks)
1131
00:46:45,839 --> 00:46:49,342
All right, already,
we're closing. Gee whiz!
1132
00:46:49,443 --> 00:46:52,412
Why? You're highly
offending me!
1133
00:46:52,512 --> 00:46:55,049
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesus.
1134
00:46:55,149 --> 00:46:57,250
I'm sorry, ma'am, we're closed.
1135
00:46:57,350 --> 00:46:58,852
It's me, randal.
1136
00:46:58,953 --> 00:47:01,555
Huh. Cool. Blade
runner, I like that.
1137
00:47:01,655 --> 00:47:03,790
Thanks. What's
a blade runner?
1138
00:47:03,890 --> 00:47:05,927
Can we get back to you
acting in a movie
1139
00:47:06,027 --> 00:47:08,495
that you're directing even
though you've never acted in
1140
00:47:08,595 --> 00:47:10,064
or directed a movie before?
1141
00:47:10,164 --> 00:47:11,565
It worked for Orson welles.
1142
00:47:11,665 --> 00:47:13,266
(Sighs) You're not an actor.
1143
00:47:13,366 --> 00:47:14,668
Neither was Howard stern,
1144
00:47:14,768 --> 00:47:16,636
but he acted in the
movie about his life.
1145
00:47:16,737 --> 00:47:18,017
(Scoffs) If you
call that acting.
1146
00:47:18,106 --> 00:47:19,539
You think you can do better?
1147
00:47:19,639 --> 00:47:21,775
Better than Howard stern
did in private parts?
1148
00:47:21,875 --> 00:47:23,477
(Chuckles)
It's not a high bar.
1149
00:47:23,577 --> 00:47:25,947
Great, because
you're playing Dan-t.
1150
00:47:26,047 --> 00:47:28,682
What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.
1151
00:47:28,782 --> 00:47:30,218
You're as good
as any of the jokers
1152
00:47:30,317 --> 00:47:31,785
we saw at 1the audition.
1153
00:47:31,885 --> 00:47:34,354
Besides, if I'm gonna
play me, you gotta play you.
1154
00:47:34,454 --> 00:47:36,323
You have to do this, Mr. Dan-t.
1155
00:47:36,423 --> 00:47:37,624
Dante: Oh,
for god's sakes,
1156
00:47:37,724 --> 00:47:39,659
please stop calling me
Mr. Dan-t.
1157
00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:41,695
That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.
1158
00:47:41,795 --> 00:47:44,165
What is this shit, mad magazine?
1159
00:47:44,264 --> 00:47:46,466
Randal is playing randal.
1160
00:47:46,566 --> 00:47:50,570
Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,
1161
00:47:50,670 --> 00:47:53,740
and Elias is playing Elias.
1162
00:47:53,840 --> 00:47:55,308
Elias: I'm in
the movie, too?
1163
00:47:55,408 --> 00:47:57,410
Yup. And as a satanist
playing a Christian,
1164
00:47:57,511 --> 00:47:59,446
you've gotta act the most.
1165
00:47:59,546 --> 00:48:01,782
It's my very own chance...
1166
00:48:01,882 --> 00:48:03,350
To transform.
1167
00:48:03,450 --> 00:48:05,819
And transform you
shall, Bumblebee.
1168
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:08,990
Soon as Mr. Dante
secures our fuckin' financing.
1169
00:48:09,090 --> 00:48:11,625
Yo, it's too bad you didn't
marry that Emma chick,
1170
00:48:11,725 --> 00:48:13,493
the one with the big clit.
1171
00:48:13,593 --> 00:48:15,896
Wasn't she like some kinda
car wash heiress or something?
1172
00:48:15,997 --> 00:48:17,198
Dante: Can you focus?
1173
00:48:17,297 --> 00:48:18,765
Even if we do play ourselves,
1174
00:48:18,865 --> 00:48:20,625
you still got to cast
all the customer parts.
1175
00:48:20,667 --> 00:48:24,138
Why am I casting customers
to say all this stupid shit
1176
00:48:24,238 --> 00:48:25,806
when I still see
the real customers
1177
00:48:25,907 --> 00:48:27,707
who said all the stupid
shit in the first place
1178
00:48:27,741 --> 00:48:30,278
come in here every day?
They can do it.
1179
00:48:30,377 --> 00:48:32,213
Oh, my god, you can't just turn
1180
00:48:32,312 --> 00:48:34,015
regular people into movie stars.
1181
00:48:34,115 --> 00:48:37,251
No inch, no inch, no inch!
Smokin' weed.
1182
00:48:37,350 --> 00:48:38,685
Smokin' weed!
1183
00:48:38,785 --> 00:48:40,121
Pack of wraps, my good man.
1184
00:48:40,221 --> 00:48:41,581
Time to kick back,
drink some beers
1185
00:48:41,621 --> 00:48:42,990
and smoke some weed.
1186
00:48:43,090 --> 00:48:45,293
You own a whole weed store.
1187
00:48:45,392 --> 00:48:46,793
Hey, randal, I've got an idea.
1188
00:48:46,893 --> 00:48:49,663
What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?
1189
00:48:49,763 --> 00:48:52,934
Well, we can
ask 'em. Yo.
1190
00:48:53,034 --> 00:48:55,368
Yo use guys want to
be in my movie?
1191
00:48:55,468 --> 00:48:57,271
Ooh, a pornography movie?
1192
00:48:57,370 --> 00:48:58,906
Randal: It's not
a porno movie.
1193
00:48:59,006 --> 00:49:00,686
It's the movie we're
shooting in your store.
1194
00:49:00,774 --> 00:49:03,177
(Scoffs) That movie?
You still ain't done?
1195
00:49:03,277 --> 00:49:05,012
We haven't even started yet.
1196
00:49:05,112 --> 00:49:08,615
I don't know. Who would
we be playing in this movie?
1197
00:49:08,715 --> 00:49:10,393
Well, it's these two
characters I kind of based
1198
00:49:10,417 --> 00:49:12,419
on you and Maggie Simpson here.
1199
00:49:12,519 --> 00:49:14,821
Check out your first scene.
1200
00:49:14,922 --> 00:49:16,857
Dante: These guys
aren't real actors.
1201
00:49:16,958 --> 00:49:19,193
But they are real fucked
up and I could work with that.
1202
00:49:19,293 --> 00:49:21,229
This doesn't sound
like me at all.
1203
00:49:21,329 --> 00:49:22,662
What are you talking about?
1204
00:49:22,762 --> 00:49:24,598
All the shit in there
is all the stuff
1205
00:49:24,698 --> 00:49:27,101
I've personally heard
you say around here.
1206
00:49:27,201 --> 00:49:28,702
I do not talk like this, man.
1207
00:49:28,802 --> 00:49:30,604
Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like
1208
00:49:30,704 --> 00:49:32,340
"snootchie bootchies"
all the time?
1209
00:49:32,439 --> 00:49:33,975
Randal: I'll tell
you what.
1210
00:49:34,075 --> 00:49:36,110
If you guys play
yourselves in the movie,
1211
00:49:36,210 --> 00:49:38,612
I'll let you guys be in
charge of crafty, too.
1212
00:49:38,712 --> 00:49:40,747
So what's crafty about?
1213
00:49:40,847 --> 00:49:43,683
Well, in addition to being
the comic relief in the movie,
1214
00:49:43,783 --> 00:49:46,153
you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.
1215
00:49:46,254 --> 00:49:48,256
Ooh, we learned about food prep
1216
00:49:48,356 --> 00:49:51,192
back when we ran
the fucking cock smoker.
1217
00:49:51,292 --> 00:49:52,692
Wasn't that place
just a drug front?
1218
00:49:52,726 --> 00:49:55,363
(Chuckling) No, we
had drugs in the front
1219
00:49:55,462 --> 00:49:57,564
and drugs in the back.
1220
00:49:57,664 --> 00:49:58,976
Dante: So if Elias
is playing Elias
1221
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:00,767
and these dopes
are playing themselves,
1222
00:50:00,867 --> 00:50:02,387
who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?
1223
00:50:02,469 --> 00:50:03,803
Well, funny you should ask,
1224
00:50:03,905 --> 00:50:05,839
'cause earlier today
I sent the script
1225
00:50:05,940 --> 00:50:07,841
to someone who
will be absolutely...
1226
00:50:07,942 --> 00:50:10,111
(Clicks tongue)
Perfect to play Veronica.
1227
00:50:10,211 --> 00:50:11,711
(Door opens)
1228
00:50:11,811 --> 00:50:14,648
Who the fuck do you
people think you are?
1229
00:50:14,748 --> 00:50:16,750
Veronica?
What is this filth?
1230
00:50:16,850 --> 00:50:19,220
What is this gamey, tawdry trash
1231
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:22,223
that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?
1232
00:50:22,323 --> 00:50:23,823
Randal: It's just
a movie I'm making
1233
00:50:23,925 --> 00:50:25,393
about my life, and I thought
1234
00:50:25,492 --> 00:50:27,104
it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.
1235
00:50:27,128 --> 00:50:28,329
Oh, you did?
1236
00:50:28,428 --> 00:50:29,763
Yeah.
1237
00:50:29,863 --> 00:50:31,731
Then you are fucking sick! Hey!
1238
00:50:31,831 --> 00:50:34,135
Watch it with
my artistic expression.
1239
00:50:34,235 --> 00:50:36,971
"Artistic expression"?
That's my life.
1240
00:50:37,071 --> 00:50:38,372
It's my life.
1241
00:50:38,471 --> 00:50:40,674
Okay, everybody,
calm down. Jeez.
1242
00:50:40,774 --> 00:50:42,119
Dante: Oh, come on,
you would have killed
1243
00:50:42,143 --> 00:50:43,576
to have been
in a film in college.
1244
00:50:43,677 --> 00:50:44,744
You majored in drama.
1245
00:50:44,844 --> 00:50:46,914
I minored in drama.
1246
00:50:47,014 --> 00:50:49,250
I majored in oral surgery.
1247
00:50:49,350 --> 00:50:51,152
All hail the queen of oral.
1248
00:50:51,252 --> 00:50:52,719
Fuck you.
Surgery.
1249
00:50:52,819 --> 00:50:54,288
You didn't let me finish.
1250
00:50:54,388 --> 00:50:56,333
And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,
1251
00:50:56,357 --> 00:50:58,025
not with me as a character.
1252
00:50:58,125 --> 00:51:00,894
I'm not some fucking
joke you get to tell
1253
00:51:00,995 --> 00:51:02,729
in your dirty little b movie,
1254
00:51:02,829 --> 00:51:05,899
you two-bit
strip mall soderbergh.
1255
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,702
I see myself more like
retail's Richard link later.
1256
00:51:08,802 --> 00:51:10,071
Veronica: You want
to do this?
1257
00:51:10,171 --> 00:51:12,739
Fine, but leave me out of it.
1258
00:51:12,839 --> 00:51:15,076
Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.
1259
00:51:15,176 --> 00:51:18,012
And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.
1260
00:51:21,415 --> 00:51:23,117
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
1261
00:51:25,485 --> 00:51:27,321
I... sorry.
1262
00:51:27,421 --> 00:51:29,589
(Sobbing)
1263
00:51:29,689 --> 00:51:31,158
(Dante sighs)
1264
00:51:39,599 --> 00:51:40,935
Please don't cry.
1265
00:51:41,035 --> 00:51:44,871
(Sighs heavily)
It's just been a shit day.
1266
00:51:44,972 --> 00:51:46,340
(Sobbing)
1267
00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:48,875
I had two cancelations.
1268
00:51:48,976 --> 00:51:50,710
My ex calls to tell me that
1269
00:51:50,810 --> 00:51:53,047
he's not putting
our daughter's car
1270
00:51:53,147 --> 00:51:54,482
on his insurance,
1271
00:51:54,581 --> 00:51:57,751
and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.
1272
00:51:59,753 --> 00:52:04,025
And then I see you
and say that shit.
1273
00:52:04,125 --> 00:52:06,826
It's okay. Really.
1274
00:52:06,927 --> 00:52:10,364
I kinda feel like... I feel
like such an asshole.
1275
00:52:10,464 --> 00:52:13,200
Hey, Ronnie.
(Sniffles)
1276
00:52:13,300 --> 00:52:15,469
If randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,
1277
00:52:15,568 --> 00:52:16,971
I would've said no way.
1278
00:52:17,737 --> 00:52:19,839
But now, I'm glad he did.
1279
00:52:21,275 --> 00:52:22,809
Because it's...
1280
00:52:22,910 --> 00:52:26,213
It's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.
1281
00:52:28,882 --> 00:52:31,152
And you look great.
(Scoffs)
1282
00:52:31,252 --> 00:52:33,120
You look way younger than I do.
1283
00:52:33,220 --> 00:52:35,622
Yeah?
Yeah.
1284
00:52:35,722 --> 00:52:38,591
How young you think I look?
1285
00:52:38,691 --> 00:52:40,327
You don't look a day over...
1286
00:52:41,295 --> 00:52:43,230
37.
(Chuckling)
1287
00:52:44,965 --> 00:52:46,100
So, um...
1288
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:47,834
(Smacks lips)
1289
00:52:47,935 --> 00:52:48,945
You want to fuck?
(No hope by louser playing)
1290
00:52:48,969 --> 00:52:50,570
♪ I'm a mess
1291
00:52:50,670 --> 00:52:52,540
♪ all washed out
1292
00:52:52,639 --> 00:52:54,607
♪ mostly regrets
1293
00:52:54,707 --> 00:52:56,310
♪ laced with doubts
1294
00:52:56,410 --> 00:52:57,545
♪ all bruised up
1295
00:52:57,644 --> 00:52:58,721
(Veronica and Dante moaning)
1296
00:52:58,745 --> 00:53:00,181
♪ I'm knocked down
1297
00:53:00,281 --> 00:53:02,116
you think this
means Veronica is in?
1298
00:53:02,216 --> 00:53:04,717
I think it means Dante sure is.
1299
00:53:04,818 --> 00:53:06,719
♪ No hope
1300
00:53:06,820 --> 00:53:08,289
♪ no peace ♪
1301
00:53:09,622 --> 00:53:10,857
Jay: "Silent Bob,
1302
00:53:10,958 --> 00:53:13,860
"you are a rude motherfucker.
1303
00:53:13,961 --> 00:53:16,564
"But you are cute
as hell."
1304
00:53:16,663 --> 00:53:18,265
(Clearing throat)
1305
00:53:19,866 --> 00:53:21,168
(Loudly) Silent Bob!
1306
00:53:21,268 --> 00:53:24,637
You are a rrr-rude motherfucker!
1307
00:53:24,737 --> 00:53:26,606
But you're cute as hell!
1308
00:53:27,774 --> 00:53:29,043
(Elias sneezing)
1309
00:53:29,143 --> 00:53:30,844
Elias: I brought
the cat, randal.
1310
00:53:30,945 --> 00:53:32,745
Perfect. We don't want
him going anywhere
1311
00:53:32,846 --> 00:53:34,424
near a litter box until
we're ready to shoot.
1312
00:53:34,448 --> 00:53:35,825
So you're gonna have
to hold him all day.
1313
00:53:35,849 --> 00:53:37,784
But I'm allergic to cats.
1314
00:53:37,884 --> 00:53:39,987
You got to suffer
for your art, man.
1315
00:53:40,087 --> 00:53:41,688
But it's not my art,
it's your art.
1316
00:53:41,788 --> 00:53:43,467
Shouldn't you be the
one doing the suffering?
1317
00:53:43,491 --> 00:53:44,824
I didn't suffer enough
1318
00:53:44,925 --> 00:53:46,269
when I almost died
from a heart attack,
1319
00:53:46,293 --> 00:53:48,028
which I might add was after
1320
00:53:48,129 --> 00:53:49,863
a heated exchange about kites?
1321
00:53:49,964 --> 00:53:51,731
My allergies have made me immune
1322
00:53:51,831 --> 00:53:53,666
to your emotional
blackmail. (Door opens)
1323
00:53:53,766 --> 00:53:55,369
(Cat purring)
1324
00:53:57,371 --> 00:53:58,606
Check out this acting.
1325
00:53:58,705 --> 00:54:00,441
(Clears throat)
Silent Bob,
1326
00:54:00,541 --> 00:54:02,977
you are a rrr-rude motherfucker!
1327
00:54:03,077 --> 00:54:05,179
But you're cute as hell.
1328
00:54:05,279 --> 00:54:08,115
Very natural,
and subtle. I like it.
1329
00:54:10,151 --> 00:54:12,652
So, how are you feeling today?
1330
00:54:12,752 --> 00:54:14,687
Oh, you know,
I feel like that kid
1331
00:54:14,787 --> 00:54:16,223
that worked in the video store,
1332
00:54:16,323 --> 00:54:18,526
fully fluent in
the language of cinema.
1333
00:54:18,626 --> 00:54:20,327
It's like I was born to direct.
1334
00:54:20,427 --> 00:54:22,387
No, bro. I mean, you had
a heart attack last month.
1335
00:54:22,429 --> 00:54:24,365
Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.
1336
00:54:24,465 --> 00:54:25,765
How do you feel today
1337
00:54:25,865 --> 00:54:27,800
after your range rover
sleepover last night?
1338
00:54:27,902 --> 00:54:30,337
Stop it. When I said
to be a producer,
1339
00:54:30,437 --> 00:54:32,872
I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.
1340
00:54:32,973 --> 00:54:34,542
Unwilling producer.
1341
00:54:34,642 --> 00:54:37,578
I didn't ask for this
job, but I am doing it.
1342
00:54:37,677 --> 00:54:39,914
So I have a meeting
today about money.
1343
00:54:40,014 --> 00:54:42,016
Fucking a,
that's producing, j.J.
1344
00:54:42,116 --> 00:54:43,984
And I found you
a cinematographer.
1345
00:54:44,084 --> 00:54:46,086
What?
May I present to you...
1346
00:54:47,720 --> 00:54:48,956
Shooter Bob.
1347
00:54:50,224 --> 00:54:52,126
Silent Bob is gonna be our dp?
1348
00:54:52,226 --> 00:54:55,596
Shit, yeah, we all
gonna be doing dps!
1349
00:54:55,695 --> 00:54:57,464
Uh, dp is the name of the job.
1350
00:54:57,565 --> 00:54:58,774
You said it was cinematographer.
1351
00:54:58,798 --> 00:55:01,068
The cinematographer is the dp.
1352
00:55:01,168 --> 00:55:02,869
Man, don't be
acting like you know
1353
00:55:02,970 --> 00:55:04,250
all the industry slang and shit.
1354
00:55:04,338 --> 00:55:05,973
Me and silent Bob
are the only ones here
1355
00:55:06,073 --> 00:55:09,276
who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.
1356
00:55:09,376 --> 00:55:10,444
(Randal scoffs)
1357
00:55:11,212 --> 00:55:12,379
Randal: Come on.
1358
00:55:12,479 --> 00:55:14,381
Yes, he's an
unconventional choice,
1359
00:55:14,481 --> 00:55:16,917
but you are an unconventional
filmmaker making
1360
00:55:17,017 --> 00:55:18,851
an unconventional film.
Yeah.
1361
00:55:18,953 --> 00:55:22,156
You want me to entrust the
story of my life to the quiet place.
1362
00:55:22,256 --> 00:55:23,890
He has some really nice shots
1363
00:55:23,991 --> 00:55:25,192
on his Instagram.
(Scoffs)
1364
00:55:25,292 --> 00:55:27,194
Come on, give him a chance, man.
1365
00:55:27,294 --> 00:55:28,972
Maybe he speaks the
language of cinema like you do.
1366
00:55:28,996 --> 00:55:30,998
The guy never speaks at all.
1367
00:55:31,098 --> 00:55:33,866
Okay, so we just
scouted in here,
1368
00:55:33,968 --> 00:55:35,802
and the colors are fucking ugly.
1369
00:55:35,903 --> 00:55:38,339
So silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie
1370
00:55:38,439 --> 00:55:40,107
in black and white.
1371
00:55:40,207 --> 00:55:42,943
Schindler's list black and
white? What, is he nuts?
1372
00:55:43,043 --> 00:55:45,145
Uh, no, I'm a fucking filmmaker.
1373
00:55:45,246 --> 00:55:47,147
And any filmmaker
worth their salt
1374
00:55:47,248 --> 00:55:48,716
would know that the colors
1375
00:55:48,815 --> 00:55:50,251
in this place
are fucking ghastly.
1376
00:55:50,351 --> 00:55:52,186
The only way you
could deal with them
1377
00:55:52,286 --> 00:55:54,097
is to neutralize them by
going in black and white,
1378
00:55:54,121 --> 00:55:55,956
which will also kind
of act as a commentary
1379
00:55:56,056 --> 00:55:58,392
on the soulless
nature of commerce
1380
00:55:58,492 --> 00:56:01,595
while subliminally giving
the audience the impression
1381
00:56:01,695 --> 00:56:03,731
that they're watching our heroes
1382
00:56:03,830 --> 00:56:05,132
from the perspective
1383
00:56:05,232 --> 00:56:07,767
of an imaginary
store security cam.
1384
00:56:08,936 --> 00:56:10,337
That's what I was
thinking. Mmm-hmm.
1385
00:56:10,437 --> 00:56:11,838
That's what an
artist thinks. Yup.
1386
00:56:11,939 --> 00:56:13,507
But, you know, it's up to you.
1387
00:56:13,607 --> 00:56:16,210
However, I'm shooting
it in black and white,
1388
00:56:16,310 --> 00:56:18,512
or I ain't shooting it
at all, motherfucker.
1389
00:56:18,612 --> 00:56:20,014
That's right.
1390
00:56:23,917 --> 00:56:26,120
(Exhales)
(Line ringing)
1391
00:56:29,189 --> 00:56:31,692
Jesus, he looks fat.
1392
00:56:31,791 --> 00:56:33,594
You're not on mute, Emma.
1393
00:56:33,694 --> 00:56:36,896
I know. So? Hello.
1394
00:56:36,997 --> 00:56:38,666
Hi, you.
(Chuckles softly)
1395
00:56:38,766 --> 00:56:40,567
How's Florida?
1396
00:56:40,668 --> 00:56:42,178
Full of assholes, but
at least it's not Jersey.
1397
00:56:42,202 --> 00:56:43,704
What do you want, Dante?
1398
00:56:43,803 --> 00:56:47,041
Okay, uh, this is gonna
come out of left field,
1399
00:56:47,141 --> 00:56:52,279
but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.
1400
00:56:52,379 --> 00:56:53,414
Fuck no.
1401
00:56:53,514 --> 00:56:55,582
It's not for me.
It's for randal.
1402
00:56:55,683 --> 00:56:58,252
Oh, then double fuck no.
1403
00:56:58,352 --> 00:56:59,987
He had a heart attack, Emma.
1404
00:57:00,087 --> 00:57:01,989
Good. I hope
he dropped dead.
1405
00:57:02,589 --> 00:57:03,856
He didn't.
1406
00:57:03,957 --> 00:57:05,892
So he needs the money for, uh...
1407
00:57:05,993 --> 00:57:07,261
For the hospital bills.
1408
00:57:07,361 --> 00:57:08,895
Randal doesn't have
any insurance.
1409
00:57:08,996 --> 00:57:10,564
So the fuck what?
1410
00:57:10,664 --> 00:57:12,766
Even if I wanted to help,
which I don't,
1411
00:57:12,865 --> 00:57:15,669
I'm not giving randal
graves any free money.
1412
00:57:15,769 --> 00:57:17,438
Emma, please.
1413
00:57:17,538 --> 00:57:19,516
You and I once promised
that if we ever needed help,
1414
00:57:19,540 --> 00:57:21,909
we'd always be there for
each other, no matter what.
1415
00:57:22,009 --> 00:57:24,478
That was before
you cheated on me
1416
00:57:24,578 --> 00:57:27,081
at a fucking donkey show.
1417
00:57:27,181 --> 00:57:28,515
Goodbye, Dante!
1418
00:57:28,615 --> 00:57:31,485
No, no. Wait,
wait, wait. (Groans)
1419
00:57:31,585 --> 00:57:33,287
Please, Emma.
1420
00:57:34,621 --> 00:57:36,889
I'm desperate here.
1421
00:57:36,990 --> 00:57:38,692
Do you even have any collateral?
1422
00:57:38,792 --> 00:57:41,295
If I have to...
1423
00:57:41,395 --> 00:57:44,498
I can sign over my half of
the quick stop as collateral.
1424
00:57:44,598 --> 00:57:46,333
That shithole? Ugh.
1425
00:57:53,374 --> 00:57:55,943
What's all this about?
We're making a movie.
1426
00:57:56,043 --> 00:57:58,645
No shit.
A pornography movie?
1427
00:57:58,746 --> 00:58:01,415
How long does that
take? Twenty-one nights.
1428
00:58:01,515 --> 00:58:04,017
It's gonna take my auteur
friend here 21 nights
1429
00:58:04,118 --> 00:58:06,553
for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.
1430
00:58:06,653 --> 00:58:07,887
In a row?
1431
00:58:09,223 --> 00:58:12,192
"In convenience."
I don't get it.
1432
00:58:12,926 --> 00:58:14,762
Scene ten, take one!
1433
00:58:14,862 --> 00:58:16,697
(Operatic music playing)
1434
00:58:16,797 --> 00:58:18,365
Cat wrangler!
(Bullhorn feedback)
1435
00:58:19,566 --> 00:58:21,268
(Elias wheezing)
1436
00:58:26,573 --> 00:58:27,608
(Body thuds)
1437
00:58:29,076 --> 00:58:31,011
(Wheezing)
1438
00:58:32,045 --> 00:58:33,580
All right, let's go.
1439
00:58:34,715 --> 00:58:36,083
And...
1440
00:58:36,183 --> 00:58:37,985
Action.
1441
00:58:40,387 --> 00:58:41,889
Holy shit.
1442
00:58:41,989 --> 00:58:43,390
We got poop.
1443
00:58:45,459 --> 00:58:47,327
And action.
(Bullhorn feedback)
1444
00:58:47,428 --> 00:58:48,228
Fuck.
1445
00:58:48,328 --> 00:58:50,497
(Operatic music continues)
1446
00:59:00,140 --> 00:59:02,476
(Imperceptible)
1447
00:59:02,576 --> 00:59:05,446
What are you waitin' for? Dance!
1448
00:59:05,546 --> 00:59:08,882
I ain't doing this with all
these fuckin' people watching.
1449
00:59:08,982 --> 00:59:10,517
Oh, my god.
1450
00:59:10,617 --> 00:59:12,085
(Bullhorn feedback)
Cut!
1451
00:59:12,186 --> 00:59:13,596
(Sighs) The talent's
being a little bitch.
1452
00:59:13,620 --> 00:59:15,556
Can you guys wait
in the video store?
1453
00:59:15,656 --> 00:59:17,224
I'll run the camera.
1454
00:59:17,324 --> 00:59:19,726
Dante: Unbelievable.
Really?
1455
00:59:27,334 --> 00:59:29,603
There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.
1456
00:59:29,703 --> 00:59:32,473
So fucking dance, man.
1457
00:59:32,573 --> 00:59:34,308
You fucking dance.
1458
00:59:34,408 --> 00:59:36,376
Bitch.
Randal: And...
1459
00:59:36,477 --> 00:59:38,078
Action.
1460
00:59:51,825 --> 00:59:53,827
What the fuck, jojo siwa?
1461
00:59:53,928 --> 00:59:56,330
Look at this fucking
guy looking at us!
1462
00:59:56,430 --> 00:59:59,934
He's not even paying
attention. Gee whiz.
1463
01:00:00,033 --> 01:00:02,536
You have to go
inside, too, cuck.
1464
01:00:02,636 --> 01:00:05,138
Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?
1465
01:00:05,239 --> 01:00:06,773
Push the button and walk away.
1466
01:00:06,874 --> 01:00:08,943
Oh, my god.
1467
01:00:09,042 --> 01:00:11,778
(Camera beeps)
All right.
1468
01:00:22,756 --> 01:00:24,124
(Bullhorn feedback)
Action.
1469
01:00:24,224 --> 01:00:25,626
I guess.
1470
01:00:33,935 --> 01:00:36,470
(Find your way back by
Jefferson starship playing)
1471
01:01:04,097 --> 01:01:08,002
♪ You know, it's been
a long, long road
1472
01:01:08,101 --> 01:01:10,871
♪ since I packed up and left
on my own...
1473
01:01:10,972 --> 01:01:12,606
All right, now, hold
on to the counter.
1474
01:01:12,706 --> 01:01:14,741
I'm going to pull,
okay? Here we go.
1475
01:01:14,841 --> 01:01:16,343
Ah...
1476
01:01:16,443 --> 01:01:19,146
♪ Just trying
to get back to her heart
1477
01:01:23,283 --> 01:01:24,818
(grunts)
Action.
1478
01:01:35,562 --> 01:01:38,632
We need some tits and ass, yeah!
1479
01:01:38,732 --> 01:01:41,035
♪ I sure ain't got no home...
1480
01:01:41,134 --> 01:01:42,803
And cut.
1481
01:01:42,904 --> 01:01:44,805
Ha-ha. (Grunts)
1482
01:01:45,672 --> 01:01:46,807
(Whistles)
1483
01:01:46,908 --> 01:01:48,875
Nice job, nice work.
1484
01:01:48,977 --> 01:01:50,410
Um...
1485
01:01:50,510 --> 01:01:51,654
All right, we're
doing the same shot
1486
01:01:51,678 --> 01:01:53,480
just over to this door.
1487
01:01:53,580 --> 01:01:56,817
Sound here. Let's get
the sticks over there.
1488
01:01:56,918 --> 01:01:58,185
Elias, you with us?
1489
01:01:58,285 --> 01:01:59,620
Okay, we're doing
the same thing.
1490
01:01:59,720 --> 01:02:01,197
We're just, kind of,
coming over here.
1491
01:02:01,221 --> 01:02:02,461
We're gonna stay on the same...
1492
01:02:02,489 --> 01:02:03,890
♪ Find your way back... ♪
1493
01:02:06,326 --> 01:02:08,562
And... action.
1494
01:02:08,662 --> 01:02:13,034
You know, there are a
million fines in the world, dude.
1495
01:02:13,133 --> 01:02:15,335
Randal: "Millions of
fines"? What the hell, man?
1496
01:02:15,435 --> 01:02:16,938
That's not the line.
1497
01:02:17,038 --> 01:02:19,339
"There's a million
fine-looking women
1498
01:02:19,439 --> 01:02:21,274
"in the world,
dude."
1499
01:02:21,375 --> 01:02:25,479
There are a billion
behinds in this world, dude!
1500
01:02:25,579 --> 01:02:28,649
Whoo! Not "billions of behinds."
1501
01:02:28,749 --> 01:02:31,585
"A million fine-looking women."
1502
01:02:31,685 --> 01:02:35,622
You know, they're killing
swines in the world, dude.
1503
01:02:35,722 --> 01:02:38,291
Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!
1504
01:02:38,392 --> 01:02:40,494
I will do it myself.
1505
01:02:41,062 --> 01:02:43,263
Ahem!
1506
01:02:43,363 --> 01:02:45,133
You know, there's a
million fine-looking women
1507
01:02:45,232 --> 01:02:46,833
in the world, dude,
1508
01:02:46,934 --> 01:02:49,202
but they don't all bring
you lasagne at work.
1509
01:02:49,302 --> 01:02:51,139
Most of them just cheat on you.
1510
01:02:51,238 --> 01:02:54,008
You all about Eve
-ining fuck. Well?
1511
01:02:54,108 --> 01:02:56,810
Fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a bumpy night.
1512
01:02:56,911 --> 01:02:59,147
Randal: So that's it. He
doesn't love you anymore.
1513
01:02:59,246 --> 01:03:00,681
He loves Caitlin.
1514
01:03:00,781 --> 01:03:03,350
And he told you all
this? Pretty much.
1515
01:03:03,450 --> 01:03:05,485
All except the latent
homosexuality but...
1516
01:03:05,585 --> 01:03:06,988
What the fuck, man?
1517
01:03:07,088 --> 01:03:09,256
We're making
a movie here. Ew!
1518
01:03:09,356 --> 01:03:12,292
Randal: It's nothing compared
to how my cousin Walter died.
1519
01:03:12,392 --> 01:03:14,929
Dante: How'd he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
1520
01:03:15,029 --> 01:03:16,630
That's embarrassing?
1521
01:03:16,730 --> 01:03:18,865
He broke his neck trying
to suck his own dick.
1522
01:03:18,966 --> 01:03:20,267
Jay: Holy shit, man.
1523
01:03:20,367 --> 01:03:22,636
Is that shit true?
Randal: Are you nuts?
1524
01:03:22,736 --> 01:03:23,570
Shut the fuck up.
1525
01:03:23,670 --> 01:03:25,205
We're shooting a scene here.
1526
01:03:25,305 --> 01:03:27,641
(Find your way back continues)
1527
01:03:40,520 --> 01:03:43,657
♪ I know it's too late now
1528
01:03:43,757 --> 01:03:48,096
♪ but I wish I could
go back in time
1529
01:03:48,196 --> 01:03:51,898
♪ and start all over somehow
1530
01:03:51,999 --> 01:03:55,535
♪ and get it right
from the start
1531
01:03:55,635 --> 01:03:57,771
♪ find your way back
1532
01:03:59,539 --> 01:04:02,342
♪ find your way back
to her heart
1533
01:04:03,443 --> 01:04:04,979
♪ find your way back ♪
1534
01:04:05,079 --> 01:04:06,713
Uh, what the hell is this?
1535
01:04:06,813 --> 01:04:08,482
The story needs a little action
1536
01:04:08,582 --> 01:04:09,917
so I added a scene where cohee
1537
01:04:10,017 --> 01:04:12,220
comes in to Rob
the place at the end.
1538
01:04:12,319 --> 01:04:13,921
And in the process,
you get shot.
1539
01:04:14,021 --> 01:04:16,991
No way. I'm not letting you
kill me off in the third act.
1540
01:04:17,091 --> 01:04:18,358
What if there's a sequel?
1541
01:04:18,458 --> 01:04:20,894
A sequel?
What am I? A hack?
1542
01:04:20,995 --> 01:04:25,332
Cohee, producer says I
gotta cut your scene, man.
1543
01:04:25,432 --> 01:04:27,434
Yo, I'm still pay
or play, right?
1544
01:04:27,534 --> 01:04:30,004
Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?
1545
01:04:30,104 --> 01:04:31,838
I've been reading the
paper my whole life
1546
01:04:31,939 --> 01:04:33,540
and the only time
I've seen my name in it
1547
01:04:33,640 --> 01:04:35,009
was under the headline,
1548
01:04:35,109 --> 01:04:37,644
"local grocer has
massive heart attack."
1549
01:04:37,744 --> 01:04:41,314
So I thought in your
official capacity as producer,
1550
01:04:41,414 --> 01:04:43,316
maybe you can get a
cub reporter over here
1551
01:04:43,416 --> 01:04:46,154
to do a story about
your director in action.
1552
01:04:46,254 --> 01:04:47,621
(Upbeat music playing)
1553
01:04:49,322 --> 01:04:51,225
Jay: "I assure you
we're open."
1554
01:04:51,324 --> 01:04:52,960
I don't get it.
1555
01:04:53,060 --> 01:04:55,029
Some savages are always
sticking gum in the locks,
1556
01:04:55,129 --> 01:04:57,430
so I wrote it into the
script to be the reason
1557
01:04:57,531 --> 01:04:58,966
the shutters are closed all day.
1558
01:04:59,066 --> 01:05:00,433
That way, we can shoot at night
1559
01:05:00,534 --> 01:05:01,969
and pretend it's day out.
1560
01:05:02,069 --> 01:05:04,972
I fucking hate how
fake Hollywood is.
1561
01:05:05,072 --> 01:05:08,042
Randal: I don't appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.
1562
01:05:08,142 --> 01:05:09,676
I beg your pardon.
Your ruse.
1563
01:05:09,776 --> 01:05:12,213
Your cunning attempt
to trick me.
1564
01:05:12,312 --> 01:05:14,314
This is the last
time I rent here!
1565
01:05:14,414 --> 01:05:16,316
You will be missed.
1566
01:05:16,416 --> 01:05:17,851
Screw you!
1567
01:05:20,154 --> 01:05:22,856
You're not allowed
to rent here anymore!
1568
01:05:22,957 --> 01:05:24,058
Jay: Yeah!
1569
01:05:24,158 --> 01:05:25,492
Randal: And cut.
1570
01:05:29,596 --> 01:05:31,199
(Woman exhales)
Randal: Nice work.
1571
01:05:31,299 --> 01:05:32,566
Nice work.
1572
01:05:32,666 --> 01:05:34,568
Okay, now just give
me ten minutes
1573
01:05:34,668 --> 01:05:36,670
and then I'll be
ready to do mine.
1574
01:05:36,770 --> 01:05:37,838
Your what?
1575
01:05:38,405 --> 01:05:40,874
Wah, Ricky!
1576
01:05:40,975 --> 01:05:44,078
(Crying) This is the
last time I rent here!
1577
01:05:44,178 --> 01:05:48,115
(Wailing)
1578
01:05:48,216 --> 01:05:50,218
I don't get it.
1579
01:05:50,318 --> 01:05:53,420
She wanted to do one as Lucy.
1580
01:05:53,520 --> 01:05:55,223
Empire had the better ending.
1581
01:05:55,323 --> 01:05:56,683
I mean, Luke gets
his hand cut off,
1582
01:05:56,723 --> 01:05:58,259
finds out vader's his father.
1583
01:05:58,391 --> 01:05:59,802
Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.
1584
01:05:59,826 --> 01:06:01,561
It ends on such a down note.
1585
01:06:01,661 --> 01:06:04,131
Cut.
What? What happened?
1586
01:06:04,232 --> 01:06:05,432
Randal:
"Han gets frozen
1587
01:06:05,532 --> 01:06:07,734
"and taken away
by Boba Fett."
1588
01:06:07,834 --> 01:06:08,869
I said that.
1589
01:06:08,970 --> 01:06:10,570
No, you said, "han gets frozen,
1590
01:06:10,670 --> 01:06:12,173
"taken away
by Boba Fett."
1591
01:06:12,273 --> 01:06:13,273
You left out
the "and."
1592
01:06:13,341 --> 01:06:14,574
Do I come in now, randal?
1593
01:06:14,674 --> 01:06:17,078
Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.
1594
01:06:17,178 --> 01:06:19,412
You can blame Dante for
ad-libbing all over my movie
1595
01:06:19,512 --> 01:06:20,780
like he's Seth fucking rogan.
1596
01:06:20,881 --> 01:06:22,782
Oh, my god, I left out one word.
1597
01:06:22,883 --> 01:06:24,751
Every word is sacred
to the writer.
1598
01:06:24,851 --> 01:06:26,586
Dante: This
isn't writing.
1599
01:06:26,686 --> 01:06:28,065
It's a bunch of shit that
happened for real in my life.
1600
01:06:28,089 --> 01:06:29,323
My life.
1601
01:06:29,422 --> 01:06:30,724
Do I come in now, randal?
1602
01:06:30,824 --> 01:06:32,692
Not yet, Thomas.
Back.
1603
01:06:32,792 --> 01:06:35,462
Oh, man, Thomas fucked up again?
1604
01:06:35,562 --> 01:06:37,231
Stop fucking shit up, Thomas.
1605
01:06:37,331 --> 01:06:40,667
Hey, fuck-o. What'd
you say to my father?
1606
01:06:40,767 --> 01:06:41,969
How about I fuck your shit up,
1607
01:06:42,069 --> 01:06:43,146
you fucking fuck
hole motherfucker!
1608
01:06:43,170 --> 01:06:44,804
Shooter Bob!
1609
01:06:45,805 --> 01:06:47,507
That is the Jersey-iest thing
1610
01:06:47,607 --> 01:06:50,543
I've ever heard or
seen in my life. (Laughs)
1611
01:06:50,644 --> 01:06:52,846
And action.
1612
01:06:52,947 --> 01:06:53,981
(Squelches)
1613
01:06:54,081 --> 01:06:55,515
That's your lung.
1614
01:06:55,615 --> 01:06:58,152
By this time, your
lung looks like this.
1615
01:06:59,452 --> 01:07:01,389
So why don't you put
the cigarettes back
1616
01:07:01,488 --> 01:07:03,224
and try some gum instead?
1617
01:07:03,324 --> 01:07:05,892
Here, chewlies gum, try this.
1618
01:07:05,993 --> 01:07:08,095
Oh, my god, that reeks!
1619
01:07:08,195 --> 01:07:09,863
God!
What is that?
1620
01:07:09,964 --> 01:07:12,266
What happened to the
model of the lung I gave ya?
1621
01:07:12,366 --> 01:07:13,667
I'm a method actor.
1622
01:07:13,767 --> 01:07:15,002
I ditched the model lung
1623
01:07:15,102 --> 01:07:16,736
for this tripe
I got at food town.
1624
01:07:16,836 --> 01:07:19,706
Jesus. I used my
power of stagecraft
1625
01:07:19,806 --> 01:07:22,575
to see that stomach
as a lung. It's method!
1626
01:07:22,676 --> 01:07:24,577
Man: And you're
Dante Hicks.
1627
01:07:24,678 --> 01:07:27,315
We went to the same
school. You played hockey.
1628
01:07:27,415 --> 01:07:28,715
Yeah. How'd you
know that?
1629
01:07:28,815 --> 01:07:30,384
You still going out with her?
1630
01:07:30,483 --> 01:07:31,685
No, she's getting married.
1631
01:07:31,785 --> 01:07:33,421
To you?
No.
1632
01:07:33,520 --> 01:07:35,323
To an Asian design major.
1633
01:07:35,423 --> 01:07:36,991
Man: What is...
You know what?
1634
01:07:37,091 --> 01:07:40,428
Cut, cut, cut! I can't
abide by this racist shit.
1635
01:07:40,527 --> 01:07:42,796
Racist? How the
hell is it racist?
1636
01:07:42,896 --> 01:07:44,864
Just look at all this
fucking lack of diversity.
1637
01:07:44,966 --> 01:07:49,303
And calling some guy
an Asian design major
1638
01:07:49,403 --> 01:07:51,038
just feels racist.
1639
01:07:51,138 --> 01:07:55,276
That's not racist. The guy
literally majored in Asian design.
1640
01:07:55,376 --> 01:07:57,178
Are you sure?
1641
01:07:57,278 --> 01:07:59,813
Wasn't he a, uh, Asian student
who was also a design major?
1642
01:07:59,914 --> 01:08:03,951
He was a passionate
student of Asian design.
1643
01:08:04,051 --> 01:08:07,754
It just so happens he himself
was coincidentally Asian.
1644
01:08:07,854 --> 01:08:09,123
(Cash register beeping)
1645
01:08:10,790 --> 01:08:12,293
Take it easy, man.
1646
01:08:12,393 --> 01:08:14,128
(Cash register beeps)
1647
01:08:14,228 --> 01:08:16,529
So, uh, where are we gonna
shoot the donkey show scene?
1648
01:08:16,629 --> 01:08:18,498
Where it happened.
Mooby's.
1649
01:08:18,598 --> 01:08:19,967
Our mooby's?
Yeah.
1650
01:08:20,067 --> 01:08:21,835
How are we supposed to get in?
1651
01:08:21,936 --> 01:08:24,671
I got the locations
department working on it.
1652
01:08:24,771 --> 01:08:27,640
Employee: (Grunts)
It's stuck in my hair.
1653
01:08:27,741 --> 01:08:30,244
Shit. Can you
get it?
1654
01:08:30,344 --> 01:08:33,847
Ugh. I hate wearing
the mooby suit, man.
1655
01:08:33,948 --> 01:08:36,150
(Sally walk by iminikon playing)
1656
01:08:40,921 --> 01:08:43,924
♪ I'm just trying to see
miss Sally walk
1657
01:08:44,025 --> 01:08:46,860
♪ in a simple baddest
on the block
1658
01:08:46,961 --> 01:08:50,031
♪ I just wanna see
miss Sally double Dutch
1659
01:08:50,131 --> 01:08:52,266
♪ I just wanna see
miss Sally fuck it up
1660
01:08:52,366 --> 01:08:53,767
♪ fuck it up
1661
01:08:53,867 --> 01:08:56,603
♪ eenie-meenie-miney-mo
1662
01:08:56,703 --> 01:08:58,772
♪ yo girl say she tryna go
1663
01:08:58,872 --> 01:09:00,074
♪ red light, green light
1664
01:09:00,174 --> 01:09:01,909
♪ now you can't find yo ho
1665
01:09:02,009 --> 01:09:03,277
♪ freeze tag, this froze
1666
01:09:03,377 --> 01:09:05,146
♪ took her to the jewelry store
1667
01:09:05,246 --> 01:09:07,448
♪ miss Sally walk
a-walkin' down the street
1668
01:09:07,547 --> 01:09:10,550
♪ miss Sally walk
a-walkin' down the street
1669
01:09:10,650 --> 01:09:12,486
♪ miss Sally walk...
1670
01:09:12,585 --> 01:09:14,654
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
1671
01:09:14,754 --> 01:09:16,723
♪ I just wanna see
miss Sally walk
1672
01:09:16,823 --> 01:09:20,094
♪ miss Sally walk
a-walkin' down the street
1673
01:09:20,194 --> 01:09:22,096
♪ miss Sally walk
a-walkin' down the street
1674
01:09:22,196 --> 01:09:23,897
(donkey braying)
1675
01:09:23,998 --> 01:09:26,766
♪ I just wanna see
miss Sally walk
1676
01:09:26,866 --> 01:09:29,503
♪ I just wanna see
miss Sally walk ♪
1677
01:09:29,602 --> 01:09:31,838
(Train horn tooting)
1678
01:09:36,210 --> 01:09:37,211
No.
1679
01:09:39,246 --> 01:09:41,982
No what? No, I...
I can't go inside.
1680
01:09:42,083 --> 01:09:43,583
(Clicks tongue)
Of course, you can.
1681
01:09:43,683 --> 01:09:45,419
Becks, I can't.
1682
01:09:45,519 --> 01:09:48,956
We had the best times
of our lives in that place.
1683
01:09:49,056 --> 01:09:51,724
Until one of our lives ended.
1684
01:09:51,825 --> 01:09:53,693
(Sighs) It's just
a building, Hicks.
1685
01:09:53,793 --> 01:09:57,131
It's just a building I
haven't been inside since...
1686
01:09:59,300 --> 01:10:00,633
(Tearfully) Since you...
1687
01:10:00,733 --> 01:10:03,070
I know. I'm sorry.
1688
01:10:03,170 --> 01:10:04,704
(Whimpering)
1689
01:10:04,804 --> 01:10:06,307
Just turn the page.
1690
01:10:07,408 --> 01:10:08,875
You can do this, babes.
1691
01:10:09,609 --> 01:10:11,946
No. (Whimpering)
1692
01:10:12,546 --> 01:10:13,713
Don't go.
1693
01:10:13,813 --> 01:10:15,082
(Soft music playing)
1694
01:10:24,691 --> 01:10:26,127
(Soft music fades)
1695
01:10:27,727 --> 01:10:29,463
(Sighing)
1696
01:10:29,563 --> 01:10:31,532
Uh, randal.
This is Lisa
1697
01:10:31,631 --> 01:10:34,535
and her daughter...
Lisa.
1698
01:10:34,634 --> 01:10:36,103
Uh, Lisa goes to high school
1699
01:10:36,203 --> 01:10:38,205
at Henry Hudson regional. Oh.
1700
01:10:38,305 --> 01:10:41,475
And this is my husband,
lando, who can go straight to hell.
1701
01:10:41,575 --> 01:10:42,910
I'm so mad at you.
1702
01:10:43,010 --> 01:10:44,878
Don't say a damn word
the whole night.
1703
01:10:44,979 --> 01:10:47,515
Don't even think
words! Randal: Uh...
1704
01:10:47,615 --> 01:10:48,992
We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute
1705
01:10:49,016 --> 01:10:50,317
so I gotta chase you guys
1706
01:10:50,417 --> 01:10:51,817
out of here.
Lisa: Oh, okay, my bad.
1707
01:10:51,885 --> 01:10:53,187
I guess you don't want press
1708
01:10:53,287 --> 01:10:54,431
for your little
YouTube video, then.
1709
01:10:54,455 --> 01:10:55,589
Did you say press?
1710
01:10:55,688 --> 01:10:57,024
Elias: Mr. Dante
asked them
1711
01:10:57,124 --> 01:10:58,459
to come here to cover the shoot.
1712
01:10:58,559 --> 01:11:00,594
So you're saying
little Lisa is...
1713
01:11:00,693 --> 01:11:03,164
Ah! High school Lisa.
1714
01:11:03,264 --> 01:11:04,764
Don't call her little Lisa
1715
01:11:04,864 --> 01:11:06,400
and you better not
call me big Lisa.
1716
01:11:06,500 --> 01:11:10,104
High school Lisa writes for
the high school newspaper?
1717
01:11:10,204 --> 01:11:12,306
And her parents
are the chaperones.
1718
01:11:12,406 --> 01:11:13,941
Fucking great.
1719
01:11:14,041 --> 01:11:15,352
Lisa: Even though one
parent just came out
1720
01:11:15,376 --> 01:11:16,944
of the strip club tonight
1721
01:11:17,044 --> 01:11:20,047
spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.
1722
01:11:22,216 --> 01:11:24,717
Hey! The producer's
on set.
1723
01:11:24,817 --> 01:11:28,189
So lights! Camera!
1724
01:11:28,289 --> 01:11:29,822
Action! (Chuckles)
1725
01:11:29,924 --> 01:11:31,592
He looks drunk.
1726
01:11:31,691 --> 01:11:33,893
He looks like he needs a
piece of butter and bread.
1727
01:11:37,031 --> 01:11:38,632
Ooh, it's cold in here.
1728
01:11:38,731 --> 01:11:40,700
Cough cold... hey!
1729
01:11:40,800 --> 01:11:42,203
All right, look,
1730
01:11:42,303 --> 01:11:44,704
I realize going to mooby's
might have hit you hard
1731
01:11:44,804 --> 01:11:46,140
but you just take off?
1732
01:11:46,240 --> 01:11:48,509
We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!
1733
01:11:48,609 --> 01:11:49,776
Oh, big deal.
1734
01:11:49,876 --> 01:11:51,579
What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?
1735
01:11:51,679 --> 01:11:55,449
Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.
1736
01:11:55,549 --> 01:11:57,051
Myself?
Okay.
1737
01:11:57,151 --> 01:11:58,818
We're gonna shoot this scene
1738
01:11:58,919 --> 01:12:00,719
because the kid from
the high school newspaper
1739
01:12:00,753 --> 01:12:02,323
and her mom are waiting.
1740
01:12:02,423 --> 01:12:04,791
Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.
1741
01:12:04,891 --> 01:12:06,627
But since you showed
up here shit-faced
1742
01:12:06,726 --> 01:12:09,363
and ruined tonight before
we even had a chance to roll,
1743
01:12:09,463 --> 01:12:11,864
we're gonna
re-shoot this tomorrow.
1744
01:12:11,966 --> 01:12:14,734
So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler
1745
01:12:14,834 --> 01:12:16,136
and let's pretend for a minute
1746
01:12:16,237 --> 01:12:18,672
you've actually been
helpful on my movie,
1747
01:12:18,771 --> 01:12:20,040
which is, like, the only thing
1748
01:12:20,140 --> 01:12:21,976
I ever asked you to do for me
1749
01:12:22,076 --> 01:12:24,011
and only after I almost
dropped dead
1750
01:12:24,111 --> 01:12:26,714
from a fucking heart attack.
1751
01:12:26,813 --> 01:12:29,149
You're fucking
unbelievable, man.
1752
01:12:29,250 --> 01:12:30,517
Come on!
1753
01:12:31,851 --> 01:12:33,820
(Door opens)
1754
01:12:33,921 --> 01:12:36,223
(Sighs)
(Door closes)
1755
01:12:38,959 --> 01:12:40,160
(Whispers) What...
1756
01:12:42,029 --> 01:12:43,863
In convenience.
1757
01:12:43,964 --> 01:12:45,432
(Softly) Stupid title.
1758
01:12:45,532 --> 01:12:48,335
(In normal voice)
Scene 137. Take one.
1759
01:12:48,435 --> 01:12:50,337
Are they shooting this
in black and white?
1760
01:12:50,437 --> 01:12:53,040
I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.
1761
01:12:53,140 --> 01:12:55,342
Randal: And action.
1762
01:12:55,442 --> 01:12:58,212
(Mimicking jaws theme music)
♪ da-dum, da-dum...
1763
01:12:58,312 --> 01:13:00,180
♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum
1764
01:13:00,281 --> 01:13:02,583
♪ da-dum, da-dum
da-dum, dad um... ♪
1765
01:13:02,683 --> 01:13:04,652
Salsa shark!
1766
01:13:04,752 --> 01:13:06,253
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
1767
01:13:08,055 --> 01:13:11,225
Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.
1768
01:13:11,325 --> 01:13:14,128
Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.
1769
01:13:15,895 --> 01:13:17,564
Oh, what?
What's with you, man?
1770
01:13:17,665 --> 01:13:19,600
You haven't said anything
in, like, 20 minutes.
1771
01:13:19,700 --> 01:13:21,268
What the hell's your problem?
1772
01:13:21,368 --> 01:13:22,569
This life.
1773
01:13:22,670 --> 01:13:24,837
This life?
1774
01:13:24,938 --> 01:13:27,574
I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,
1775
01:13:27,675 --> 01:13:31,645
dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.
1776
01:13:31,745 --> 01:13:33,681
I smell like shoe Polish,
1777
01:13:33,781 --> 01:13:36,183
and my girlfriend
sucked 36 dicks.
1778
01:13:36,283 --> 01:13:37,618
Thirty-seven.
Lisa: Oh!
1779
01:13:37,718 --> 01:13:39,186
Cover your ears, baby girl.
1780
01:13:39,286 --> 01:13:40,954
Why the fuck are
they cursing like that?
1781
01:13:41,055 --> 01:13:43,223
You need to shit
or get off the pot.
1782
01:13:43,324 --> 01:13:44,992
What the hell
are you talking about?
1783
01:13:45,092 --> 01:13:46,572
I'm talking about
this thing you have,
1784
01:13:46,627 --> 01:13:49,129
this inability to improve
your station in life.
1785
01:13:49,229 --> 01:13:50,297
Fuck you.
1786
01:13:50,397 --> 01:13:51,799
It's true, man.
1787
01:13:51,898 --> 01:13:54,201
You sit there and blame life
for dealin' ya a cruddy hand,
1788
01:13:54,301 --> 01:13:56,136
never once accepting
responsibility
1789
01:13:56,236 --> 01:13:58,072
for the way your situation is.
1790
01:13:58,172 --> 01:14:00,274
You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.
1791
01:14:00,374 --> 01:14:02,042
It's because you're
comfortable, right?
1792
01:14:02,142 --> 01:14:03,553
This is the life of
convenience for you
1793
01:14:03,577 --> 01:14:05,512
and any attempt to
change it would shatter
1794
01:14:05,612 --> 01:14:07,880
the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned for yourself.
1795
01:14:07,981 --> 01:14:09,316
What?
1796
01:14:09,416 --> 01:14:11,016
Man, if you weren't
such a fucking coward.
1797
01:14:11,085 --> 01:14:13,420
(Shouts) Oh, would you
shut the fuck up?
1798
01:14:14,887 --> 01:14:17,091
That's not the line, man.
1799
01:14:17,191 --> 01:14:18,926
What are you doing?
My whole life
1800
01:14:19,026 --> 01:14:21,362
you've been running your
mouth a million miles an hour
1801
01:14:21,462 --> 01:14:23,464
and saying absolutely nothing!
1802
01:14:23,564 --> 01:14:24,998
(Scoffs)
1803
01:14:25,099 --> 01:14:26,400
I gotta listen to you talk shit
1804
01:14:26,500 --> 01:14:28,602
about everybody and
everything you think
1805
01:14:28,702 --> 01:14:31,672
as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!
1806
01:14:31,772 --> 01:14:34,007
Nobody fuckin' cares.
1807
01:14:34,108 --> 01:14:35,509
Oh, real nice, pal.
1808
01:14:35,609 --> 01:14:37,220
Get me all worked up
because it's not like
1809
01:14:37,244 --> 01:14:38,612
I had a heart attack
and almost...
1810
01:14:38,712 --> 01:14:42,316
Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!
1811
01:14:42,416 --> 01:14:45,085
"Did I not mention that a
couple of thousand times yet?"
1812
01:14:45,185 --> 01:14:48,088
Fuck you. "Hey,
everybody, look at me.
1813
01:14:48,188 --> 01:14:49,623
"I'm the boy who lived."
1814
01:14:49,723 --> 01:14:50,824
(Laughs sarcastically)
1815
01:14:50,924 --> 01:14:52,559
"So I gotta make a movie
1816
01:14:52,659 --> 01:14:54,695
"all about what a relentless
fucking asshole I am
1817
01:14:54,795 --> 01:14:56,130
"to everybody I ever met,
1818
01:14:56,230 --> 01:14:58,599
"especially my so-called
fucking friends."
1819
01:14:58,699 --> 01:15:00,401
Oh, we're not friends
anymore, man.
1820
01:15:00,501 --> 01:15:02,035
You can fucking
believe that shit.
1821
01:15:02,136 --> 01:15:03,337
(Laughs) Oh, good!
Yeah.
1822
01:15:03,437 --> 01:15:05,372
Because if we're not friends,
1823
01:15:05,472 --> 01:15:08,175
I don't have to worry anymore
what the cold, hard truth
1824
01:15:08,275 --> 01:15:10,244
might do to your poor,
wittle heart!
1825
01:15:10,344 --> 01:15:12,980
Oh, don't worry about
me, pal, I'll be just fine.
1826
01:15:13,080 --> 01:15:14,248
So since I can be completely
1827
01:15:14,348 --> 01:15:15,749
honest with you?
Oh, please,
1828
01:15:15,849 --> 01:15:17,518
be completely honest.
1829
01:15:17,618 --> 01:15:19,319
(Scoffs)
1830
01:15:19,420 --> 01:15:22,222
You think you deserve a movie?
1831
01:15:22,322 --> 01:15:23,624
Yeah.
1832
01:15:23,724 --> 01:15:27,161
What did you ever
do in life but watch it
1833
01:15:27,261 --> 01:15:28,896
and mock it?
(Scoffs)
1834
01:15:28,996 --> 01:15:31,398
What have you ever fucking done?
1835
01:15:31,498 --> 01:15:33,066
I had a life.
1836
01:15:34,635 --> 01:15:37,037
I was this close
to happily ever after
1837
01:15:37,137 --> 01:15:40,707
and then, one drunk
driver later...
1838
01:15:42,042 --> 01:15:43,410
My movie's over.
1839
01:15:44,311 --> 01:15:45,379
Forever.
1840
01:15:46,947 --> 01:15:48,615
No happy ending,
1841
01:15:48,715 --> 01:15:50,517
no sequel.
1842
01:15:50,617 --> 01:15:52,653
Not even a third fucking act,
1843
01:15:52,753 --> 01:15:56,023
just, "fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,
1844
01:15:56,123 --> 01:15:59,326
"fuck you!" Credits.
1845
01:16:01,061 --> 01:16:02,396
(Sniffles)
But, hey...
1846
01:16:03,397 --> 01:16:05,799
What's that compared
to a heart attack?
1847
01:16:05,899 --> 01:16:08,068
I mean, shit!
1848
01:16:08,168 --> 01:16:10,604
You could have
almost died, right?
1849
01:16:10,704 --> 01:16:12,072
Yeah.
1850
01:16:12,172 --> 01:16:14,141
Well, some of us did die.
1851
01:16:16,677 --> 01:16:19,713
Some of us have been
dead inside ever since.
1852
01:16:19,813 --> 01:16:23,350
But then, just when I'm
able to walk into this place
1853
01:16:23,450 --> 01:16:27,588
without wanting to kill myself
every day, you have an idea.
1854
01:16:28,722 --> 01:16:30,691
You wanna make a movie
about your life.
1855
01:16:30,791 --> 01:16:33,727
Oh, and you... You've
been very clear about that.
1856
01:16:34,695 --> 01:16:36,096
It's your life!
1857
01:16:37,598 --> 01:16:40,868
Well, get this,
you self-centered,
1858
01:16:40,969 --> 01:16:42,302
gaping wound of a human being
1859
01:16:42,402 --> 01:16:44,738
with your insatiable
fucking ego!
1860
01:16:44,838 --> 01:16:46,607
(Scoffs) The fuck?
1861
01:16:46,707 --> 01:16:48,041
Your life...
1862
01:16:49,076 --> 01:16:50,577
Is my life!
1863
01:16:51,913 --> 01:16:55,349
I've been there with
you the whole time!
1864
01:16:57,618 --> 01:17:01,088
And since you know how
hard that life's been on me,
1865
01:17:01,990 --> 01:17:04,458
did it ever occur to you
1866
01:17:04,558 --> 01:17:08,195
that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?
1867
01:17:10,864 --> 01:17:12,099
So, I quit...
1868
01:17:12,866 --> 01:17:14,401
As your producer.
1869
01:17:16,136 --> 01:17:17,671
And I quit...
1870
01:17:19,106 --> 01:17:21,208
As your fucking friend.
1871
01:17:23,176 --> 01:17:24,444
(Breathes shakily)
1872
01:17:24,545 --> 01:17:27,147
'Cause I'm not
even supposed to...
1873
01:17:28,549 --> 01:17:29,583
(Grunts)
1874
01:17:29,683 --> 01:17:31,451
(Body thuds)
1875
01:17:31,552 --> 01:17:34,054
Now that's what I call acting!
1876
01:17:34,154 --> 01:17:37,025
Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.
1877
01:17:37,124 --> 01:17:39,793
Okay, drinkie-mc-stinky, get up.
1878
01:17:42,030 --> 01:17:43,297
Dante?
1879
01:17:44,431 --> 01:17:45,432
Hey.
1880
01:17:46,066 --> 01:17:49,770
Hey. Hey! Dante!
1881
01:17:49,870 --> 01:17:51,104
Wake up, man. Hey!
1882
01:17:51,204 --> 01:17:52,506
Call an ambulance!
1883
01:17:52,606 --> 01:17:55,309
Wake up, man.
Dante. Dante!
1884
01:17:58,947 --> 01:18:00,949
Dante? Um...
1885
01:18:01,049 --> 01:18:02,482
Excuse me. We're...
What the...
1886
01:18:02,583 --> 01:18:04,060
No, you can't be back
here. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1887
01:18:04,084 --> 01:18:06,286
All right,
already. God.
1888
01:18:06,386 --> 01:18:07,597
They just brought our friend in.
1889
01:18:07,621 --> 01:18:09,489
His name is Dante Hicks.
1890
01:18:09,590 --> 01:18:11,267
He's the drunk guy that
collapsed at the quick stop.
1891
01:18:11,291 --> 01:18:12,771
Nurse: Uh-huh. The
first responder said
1892
01:18:12,826 --> 01:18:14,306
he's having a heart
attack. Okay, okay.
1893
01:18:14,394 --> 01:18:15,572
You need to wait out there, sir.
1894
01:18:15,596 --> 01:18:16,956
Someone will be by
to tell you more
1895
01:18:16,998 --> 01:18:18,165
as soon as we know more.
1896
01:18:18,265 --> 01:18:19,934
(Randal scoffs)
1897
01:18:20,034 --> 01:18:21,234
Thank you.
1898
01:18:23,637 --> 01:18:26,273
(Sighs) This is where
I first rejected Jesus.
1899
01:18:26,373 --> 01:18:29,376
Yeah, and now look
what's happened.
1900
01:18:29,476 --> 01:18:31,012
So weird to be back here.
1901
01:18:31,111 --> 01:18:33,313
Yeah, tell me about it.
1902
01:18:33,413 --> 01:18:35,682
All right, look. I'm
gonna get out of here.
1903
01:18:35,782 --> 01:18:38,151
Call me as soon as they
say something, all right?
1904
01:18:38,251 --> 01:18:39,653
Wait, what?
Where are you going?
1905
01:18:39,753 --> 01:18:42,623
I'm gonna go work
on my movie, man.
1906
01:18:42,723 --> 01:18:43,624
Your movie?
1907
01:18:43,724 --> 01:18:45,525
Yeah, I mean, it's almost done.
1908
01:18:45,626 --> 01:18:47,503
It's not like I'm doing Dante
any good sitting around here.
1909
01:18:47,527 --> 01:18:49,496
I might as well
go work on my movie.
1910
01:18:49,596 --> 01:18:51,933
Are you kidding me?
Even now?
1911
01:18:52,033 --> 01:18:54,002
"Even now" what?
1912
01:18:54,102 --> 01:18:55,402
"Oh, my movie.
1913
01:18:55,502 --> 01:18:57,537
"My movie! Everybody
make my movie
1914
01:18:57,638 --> 01:18:59,406
"because it's
so important."
1915
01:18:59,506 --> 01:19:01,541
(Scoffs) This is neither
the time nor the place
1916
01:19:01,642 --> 01:19:03,410
to do an impression
of Chris Nolan.
1917
01:19:03,510 --> 01:19:05,412
I'm doing an impression
of you, randal.
1918
01:19:05,512 --> 01:19:06,847
We're in the hospital.
1919
01:19:06,948 --> 01:19:08,916
That's stating the obvious. No.
1920
01:19:09,017 --> 01:19:11,184
The obvious statement
right now would be,
1921
01:19:11,284 --> 01:19:12,586
"never mind the movie,
1922
01:19:12,686 --> 01:19:14,321
"my best friend's
in the hospital."
1923
01:19:14,421 --> 01:19:18,191
It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.
1924
01:19:18,291 --> 01:19:20,494
Fuck you, randal.
(Scoffs)
1925
01:19:20,594 --> 01:19:21,828
Fuck you.
1926
01:19:21,929 --> 01:19:23,497
Come on.
God, man.
1927
01:19:23,597 --> 01:19:25,599
I used to look up to you so much
1928
01:19:25,699 --> 01:19:28,102
but you're the worst,
you know that?
1929
01:19:28,201 --> 01:19:29,469
The worst in the world.
1930
01:19:29,569 --> 01:19:32,839
Mr. Dante made
your movie happen.
1931
01:19:32,940 --> 01:19:35,076
I made my movie happen.
1932
01:19:35,175 --> 01:19:37,644
I had the idea
to make the movie.
1933
01:19:37,744 --> 01:19:38,946
I wrote the script
1934
01:19:39,047 --> 01:19:40,814
and I'm the goddamn director.
1935
01:19:40,915 --> 01:19:42,716
I made this movie happen.
1936
01:19:42,816 --> 01:19:44,317
It was all me.
1937
01:19:44,418 --> 01:19:47,155
Oh, it was all you, huh? Yeah.
1938
01:19:47,254 --> 01:19:48,588
(Chuckles) Okay.
1939
01:19:49,656 --> 01:19:51,825
Take off your stupid
mask, randal.
1940
01:19:52,659 --> 01:19:54,294
Yeah.
1941
01:19:54,394 --> 01:19:56,596
Because I remember
Mr. Dante doing everything.
1942
01:19:56,697 --> 01:20:00,333
He even called his
ex-fiancee who hates his guts.
1943
01:20:00,434 --> 01:20:03,004
He put up his half of quick stop
1944
01:20:03,104 --> 01:20:06,074
just to get you the money
to make your stupid movie.
1945
01:20:06,174 --> 01:20:07,541
Wait a minute.
1946
01:20:07,641 --> 01:20:09,710
Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?
1947
01:20:09,810 --> 01:20:11,378
Man: (Over pa system)
Code blue. Er 7.
1948
01:20:11,478 --> 01:20:13,413
Dante, I didn't know about Emma.
1949
01:20:13,513 --> 01:20:14,824
I just found out. You
again? What did I say?
1950
01:20:14,848 --> 01:20:16,208
I didn't know.
What did I say, huh?
1951
01:20:16,249 --> 01:20:17,451
Security!
Is he okay?
1952
01:20:17,551 --> 01:20:18,711
Get out of here,
man. Get out!
1953
01:20:18,785 --> 01:20:21,288
Is he okay?
Get out! Security!
1954
01:20:21,388 --> 01:20:23,523
All right.
Get off of me!
1955
01:20:24,791 --> 01:20:26,526
Randal, where are you going?
1956
01:20:26,626 --> 01:20:28,186
(Le grande from age
by rebuilder playing)
1957
01:20:28,228 --> 01:20:31,698
♪ Skip amongst
the telephone lines
1958
01:20:33,600 --> 01:20:36,603
♪ catch a frequency
to pass the time
1959
01:20:38,772 --> 01:20:42,776
♪ anything's better
than New Jersey
1960
01:20:43,810 --> 01:20:47,380
♪ living along the turnpike
1961
01:20:51,919 --> 01:20:54,021
♪ headed home
1962
01:20:54,122 --> 01:20:55,288
fuck!
1963
01:20:55,388 --> 01:20:57,257
♪ With the smell of smoke
1964
01:20:57,357 --> 01:21:00,727
♪ we ran out of things
to say
1965
01:21:02,395 --> 01:21:04,631
♪ so let it unfold
1966
01:21:04,731 --> 01:21:07,567
♪ we pumped the tires full
1967
01:21:07,667 --> 01:21:12,773
♪ all our favorite songs
were shitty anyway
1968
01:21:12,873 --> 01:21:16,643
♪ anything's better
than New Jersey
1969
01:21:18,012 --> 01:21:21,882
♪ skip amongst
the telephone lines
1970
01:21:23,217 --> 01:21:27,420
♪ anything's better
than New Jersey
1971
01:21:28,522 --> 01:21:31,758
♪ living along the turnpike
1972
01:21:44,437 --> 01:21:47,607
♪ I'd give anything
to go home
1973
01:21:47,707 --> 01:21:49,609
♪ I'd give anything
to go home
1974
01:21:49,709 --> 01:21:52,646
♪ I gave up everything
to leave
1975
01:21:52,746 --> 01:21:54,982
♪ I gave up everything
to leave
1976
01:21:55,082 --> 01:21:57,818
♪ I'd give anything
to go home
1977
01:21:57,919 --> 01:21:59,719
♪ I'd give anything
to go home
1978
01:21:59,820 --> 01:22:02,789
♪ I gave up everything
to leave
1979
01:22:02,889 --> 01:22:04,491
♪ I gave up everything... ♪
1980
01:22:04,591 --> 01:22:06,827
I think it needs more weed. Hmm.
1981
01:22:06,928 --> 01:22:08,162
God. Hey...
1982
01:22:08,262 --> 01:22:09,863
I need your help with Dante.
1983
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:14,168
Who's Dante?
1984
01:22:14,268 --> 01:22:17,305
The fuck do
you mean? Dante.
1985
01:22:17,404 --> 01:22:20,640
The other guy, the guy in
the quick stop who's not me?
1986
01:22:20,740 --> 01:22:22,509
Wait, I thought
his name was Sergio.
1987
01:22:22,609 --> 01:22:25,445
Ain't his name Sergio?
It's fucking Dante.
1988
01:22:25,545 --> 01:22:27,547
Are you gonna help me or not?
1989
01:22:27,647 --> 01:22:30,051
Anything for our boy Sergio.
1990
01:22:30,151 --> 01:22:33,386
I need to sneak into the
hospital to get to Sergio,
1991
01:22:33,486 --> 01:22:37,724
so I want you guys to create
a very subtle distraction.
1992
01:22:37,824 --> 01:22:41,461
I took a poo in the icu!
1993
01:22:41,561 --> 01:22:43,064
I took a...
Oh, shit!
1994
01:22:43,164 --> 01:22:44,932
Security guard: Hey! Hey!
1995
01:22:46,000 --> 01:22:48,668
♪ Give up everything to leave
1996
01:22:48,768 --> 01:22:52,039
♪ anything's better
than New Jersey
1997
01:22:52,139 --> 01:22:54,275
♪ I'd give anything
to go home
1998
01:22:54,374 --> 01:22:56,843
♪ living along the turnpike ♪
1999
01:22:58,445 --> 01:22:59,981
(Song fades)
2000
01:23:02,984 --> 01:23:04,118
(Monitor beeping)
2001
01:23:04,218 --> 01:23:05,652
Dante?
2002
01:23:14,362 --> 01:23:16,330
Hey, man.
2003
01:23:16,429 --> 01:23:19,766
I figure, since you're
just laying around here...
2004
01:23:19,866 --> 01:23:22,036
You little heart attack copycat.
2005
01:23:23,703 --> 01:23:26,640
You got time to watch
our first movie.
2006
01:23:28,408 --> 01:23:29,977
Huh?
2007
01:23:43,857 --> 01:23:45,458
You're gonna see I was way off
2008
01:23:45,558 --> 01:23:48,262
with that stupid shit
I said at the store.
2009
01:23:48,362 --> 01:23:53,433
I never... never would have
made this movie without you.
2010
01:23:55,802 --> 01:23:58,039
I never could do
anything without you.
2011
01:24:03,945 --> 01:24:06,380
I'm here, man.
I'm here.
2012
01:24:06,479 --> 01:24:08,448
Let's watch the movie.
2013
01:24:17,691 --> 01:24:19,893
(O waly, waly
by Gerard way playing)
2014
01:24:42,016 --> 01:24:44,251
This is the way I see you.
2015
01:24:44,352 --> 01:24:47,787
You're the main character
in my star wars.
2016
01:24:47,887 --> 01:24:50,191
(Sniffles)
You're not the dak.
2017
01:24:50,291 --> 01:24:53,060
You've always been the Luke.
2018
01:24:53,160 --> 01:24:55,762
(Voice breaking) You're
the hero of my movie, too.
2019
01:24:57,597 --> 01:24:59,866
You've always been
my hero, Dante.
2020
01:24:59,967 --> 01:25:04,338
♪ The water is wide
2021
01:25:04,438 --> 01:25:07,640
♪ I can't get over
2022
01:25:08,808 --> 01:25:13,180
♪ neither have I
2023
01:25:13,280 --> 01:25:17,584
♪ the wings to fly
2024
01:25:17,684 --> 01:25:21,855
♪ so go and get
2025
01:25:21,956 --> 01:25:25,092
♪ me to a boat
2026
01:25:26,494 --> 01:25:29,763
♪ to carry both
2027
01:25:30,597 --> 01:25:35,069
♪ my love and I
2028
01:25:36,470 --> 01:25:39,974
(vocalizing)
2029
01:26:09,869 --> 01:26:11,738
♪ There is a ship
2030
01:26:11,838 --> 01:26:14,341
(Becky chuckles)
2031
01:26:14,442 --> 01:26:17,744
♪ Out on the sea
2032
01:26:18,745 --> 01:26:23,150
♪ and loaded deep
2033
01:26:23,250 --> 01:26:26,220
♪ as it can be
2034
01:26:27,720 --> 01:26:31,758
♪ but not as deep
2035
01:26:31,858 --> 01:26:35,229
♪ as love am I
2036
01:26:35,329 --> 01:26:36,397
let's go.
2037
01:26:36,497 --> 01:26:37,664
♪ Don't care if I
2038
01:26:37,764 --> 01:26:39,699
yeah?
Yeah.
2039
01:26:40,667 --> 01:26:43,003
♪ Should live or die...
2040
01:26:43,104 --> 01:26:44,171
(Sighs)
2041
01:26:45,805 --> 01:26:47,674
That was the best
movie I ever saw.
2042
01:26:48,708 --> 01:26:50,010
But it's not over.
2043
01:26:50,911 --> 01:26:52,745
Don't you wanna see how it ends?
2044
01:26:53,447 --> 01:26:54,982
I trust the director.
2045
01:26:56,117 --> 01:26:58,685
He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...
2046
01:26:58,785 --> 01:27:02,789
♪ The wings to fly
2047
01:27:03,790 --> 01:27:05,625
he was my best friend.
2048
01:27:07,495 --> 01:27:10,331
♪ Me to a boat
2049
01:27:10,431 --> 01:27:11,432
(Dante sniffles)
2050
01:27:11,532 --> 01:27:14,368
♪ To carry both
2051
01:27:15,835 --> 01:27:19,907
♪ my love and I
2052
01:27:20,007 --> 01:27:23,643
♪ to carry both
2053
01:27:24,612 --> 01:27:28,815
♪ my love and I
2054
01:27:28,916 --> 01:27:31,018
(monitor beeping rapidly)
2055
01:27:35,022 --> 01:27:37,258
What's goin' on?
(Sniffles)
2056
01:27:38,292 --> 01:27:39,593
You okay? Hey.
2057
01:27:39,692 --> 01:27:41,828
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!
2058
01:27:41,929 --> 01:27:44,298
Don't fucking leave me, man.
2059
01:27:44,398 --> 01:27:46,367
Don't leave me!
2060
01:27:46,467 --> 01:27:48,502
Oh, shit. Help!
2061
01:27:48,602 --> 01:27:51,205
(Just breathe by Pearl jam
instrumental playing)
2062
01:28:01,182 --> 01:28:03,150
And that's when
the good thief said,
2063
01:28:03,250 --> 01:28:07,321
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."
2064
01:28:08,855 --> 01:28:10,324
What the fuck are butt thieves?
2065
01:28:10,424 --> 01:28:11,858
I don't know if any
of you know this
2066
01:28:11,959 --> 01:28:15,596
but I'm a satanist now.
2067
01:28:15,695 --> 01:28:18,199
And while I may be
the devil's concubine,
2068
01:28:18,999 --> 01:28:20,867
I still believe in heaven.
2069
01:28:20,968 --> 01:28:22,970
And because
Mr. Dante
2070
01:28:23,070 --> 01:28:25,506
was the best person
that I ever knew,
2071
01:28:25,606 --> 01:28:27,740
I believe he's in
heaven right now,
2072
01:28:28,741 --> 01:28:30,311
just like the good thief.
2073
01:28:32,613 --> 01:28:34,048
Dante's inferno.
2074
01:28:35,316 --> 01:28:36,317
No.
2075
01:28:37,318 --> 01:28:38,919
Dante's paradiso!
2076
01:28:40,221 --> 01:28:41,222
Si.
2077
01:29:00,074 --> 01:29:02,009
Grazie, Elias.
2078
01:29:05,679 --> 01:29:09,583
(Clears throat)
I, uh...
2079
01:29:09,683 --> 01:29:13,120
I thought a lot about
what to say here today.
2080
01:29:13,220 --> 01:29:14,854
I was gonna pull from the eulogy
2081
01:29:14,955 --> 01:29:18,192
that kirk gave Spock
in the wrath of Khan,
2082
01:29:18,292 --> 01:29:20,194
but I've always been
more of a star wars fan
2083
01:29:20,294 --> 01:29:22,563
so I should say something like,
2084
01:29:22,663 --> 01:29:26,899
"may the force be with you"
or "this is the way."
2085
01:29:28,068 --> 01:29:29,737
But I think instead
of quoting a movie,
2086
01:29:29,836 --> 01:29:32,506
I'd like to paraphrase
the departed.
2087
01:29:32,606 --> 01:29:34,942
And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,
2088
01:29:35,042 --> 01:29:37,511
not the scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect
2089
01:29:37,611 --> 01:29:40,481
right up until that stupid
shot of the rat at the end.
2090
01:29:42,916 --> 01:29:45,486
So in the words...
2091
01:29:45,586 --> 01:29:47,988
(Voice breaking) Of the
best guy I ever knew...
2092
01:29:51,125 --> 01:29:54,028
"You're not even
supposed to be here today."
2093
01:29:54,128 --> 01:29:57,998
♪ Nothing you would take
2094
01:29:58,098 --> 01:30:03,070
♪ everything you gave
2095
01:30:03,170 --> 01:30:06,907
♪ hold me 'til I die
2096
01:30:07,007 --> 01:30:12,012
♪ meet you on the other side
2097
01:30:16,150 --> 01:30:17,826
randal: Come on in here,
you little butt thief,
2098
01:30:17,850 --> 01:30:20,853
and assume your new position.
2099
01:30:20,954 --> 01:30:22,822
But this was
Mr. Dante's spot.
2100
01:30:22,923 --> 01:30:24,458
Yeah, well, after all this time
2101
01:30:24,558 --> 01:30:27,227
of being my biggest
and only fanboy,
2102
01:30:27,328 --> 01:30:29,296
I'd say you earned it.
2103
01:30:29,396 --> 01:30:30,974
Besides, I told you way back
when we worked at mooby's
2104
01:30:30,998 --> 01:30:32,299
when Dante is gone,
2105
01:30:32,399 --> 01:30:33,866
you're gonna be
my new best friend.
2106
01:30:33,967 --> 01:30:34,967
(Chuckles)
2107
01:30:35,035 --> 01:30:36,570
No, I'm not.
2108
01:30:36,670 --> 01:30:38,248
Who the fuck else am
I gonna hang out with?
2109
01:30:38,272 --> 01:30:39,573
It's you and me, buddy.
2110
01:30:41,841 --> 01:30:43,843
Oh, fuck.
2111
01:30:43,944 --> 01:30:46,947
Well, look who it is,
Mr. Big shit.
2112
01:30:47,047 --> 01:30:50,084
Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big clit.
2113
01:30:50,184 --> 01:30:52,586
Classy. How am
I not surprised?
2114
01:30:52,686 --> 01:30:54,955
I was surprised to see
you at the cemetery.
2115
01:30:55,055 --> 01:30:56,757
You flew up for Dante?
2116
01:30:56,856 --> 01:31:00,527
Well, I did almost marry
the man, and if I had... p.S.
2117
01:31:00,627 --> 01:31:02,529
He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack
2118
01:31:02,629 --> 01:31:04,064
before he was 50.
2119
01:31:04,164 --> 01:31:06,233
Yeah, because
after a year with you,
2120
01:31:06,333 --> 01:31:07,901
he'd have killed himself.
2121
01:31:08,001 --> 01:31:10,671
I think I heard
you had a heart attack.
2122
01:31:10,771 --> 01:31:12,106
Am I right?
2123
01:31:13,374 --> 01:31:15,642
That must really fuck with you.
2124
01:31:15,743 --> 01:31:19,513
Dante's dead but
you're still here.
2125
01:31:19,613 --> 01:31:21,715
I guess it's true
what they say, randal.
2126
01:31:21,815 --> 01:31:25,085
Only the good die young.
2127
01:31:25,185 --> 01:31:26,820
To what do I owe the pleasure
2128
01:31:26,920 --> 01:31:29,757
of your entirely
unwelcome visit?
2129
01:31:29,857 --> 01:31:33,460
I loaned Dante 30 grand
2130
01:31:33,560 --> 01:31:37,998
and he put his half of
the store up as collateral.
2131
01:31:38,098 --> 01:31:39,833
Now he's gone.
2132
01:31:39,933 --> 01:31:43,904
And if you can't pay me
back, I own half this shithole.
2133
01:31:44,004 --> 01:31:46,640
(Sighing)
2134
01:31:46,740 --> 01:31:49,009
How big's my clit
now, motherfucker?
2135
01:31:49,109 --> 01:31:51,678
Oh, my sweet Satan,
2136
01:31:53,080 --> 01:31:55,883
lend your might to the
meek and deliver us
2137
01:31:55,983 --> 01:31:58,285
from this succubus.
2138
01:31:59,153 --> 01:32:01,188
What the...
(Panting)
2139
01:32:01,288 --> 01:32:03,157
The kites are flying!
Ah!
2140
01:32:03,257 --> 01:32:05,459
I repeat!
The kites are...
2141
01:32:05,559 --> 01:32:06,593
Flying!
He talks?
2142
01:32:06,693 --> 01:32:08,562
Yes.
Oh, my god.
2143
01:32:08,662 --> 01:32:09,930
Oh, my god!
2144
01:32:10,030 --> 01:32:11,832
Oh, my god!
What?
2145
01:32:11,932 --> 01:32:13,233
The kites are sold out.
2146
01:32:13,333 --> 01:32:15,836
The fucking kites,
god, the kites.
2147
01:32:15,936 --> 01:32:17,538
The crimson kite nft's,
2148
01:32:17,638 --> 01:32:19,478
the ones we minted for
the crimson crypto club.
2149
01:32:19,573 --> 01:32:21,053
Block chain put them
on sale last night
2150
01:32:21,141 --> 01:32:22,309
and they all sold out.
2151
01:32:22,409 --> 01:32:23,912
So?
2152
01:32:24,011 --> 01:32:25,245
The two of us just made...
2153
01:32:25,345 --> 01:32:26,780
One million!
One million!
2154
01:32:26,880 --> 01:32:28,282
One million dollars!
Ah!
2155
01:32:28,382 --> 01:32:31,285
Hail Satan! I'm
crypto rich, bitch!
2156
01:32:31,385 --> 01:32:35,122
I just cashed out $100,000
just to flex and buy sex.
2157
01:32:35,222 --> 01:32:36,790
Here, take that.
Shit.
2158
01:32:36,890 --> 01:32:38,625
What're you gonna do
with your money, big e?
2159
01:32:38,725 --> 01:32:41,428
I'll never be able to earn
my place behind this counter
2160
01:32:41,528 --> 01:32:44,731
but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking
2161
01:32:44,832 --> 01:32:45,999
blood money.
Oh!
2162
01:32:46,099 --> 01:32:48,635
Now, get the hell
out of our store!
2163
01:32:48,735 --> 01:32:51,538
Well played, clerks.
2164
01:32:52,506 --> 01:32:53,942
Elias: Sorry about
the mess.
2165
01:32:54,041 --> 01:32:56,743
That was from star wars.
2166
01:32:56,844 --> 01:32:58,712
I only said it 'cause
you and Mr. Dante
2167
01:32:58,812 --> 01:33:00,747
used to talk about
star wars. I know.
2168
01:33:00,848 --> 01:33:02,382
Long time ago.
2169
01:33:03,650 --> 01:33:06,720
In a galaxy far, far
away... (Door opens)
2170
01:33:07,688 --> 01:33:09,389
Holy fuck, that's
a lot of money.
2171
01:33:09,490 --> 01:33:10,891
You wanna buy some weed?
2172
01:33:10,991 --> 01:33:12,759
Yes! I wanna buy
all the weed!
2173
01:33:12,860 --> 01:33:14,094
Here's ten grand.
2174
01:33:14,194 --> 01:33:15,496
Whoo! That's gonna
get you higher
2175
01:33:15,596 --> 01:33:17,932
than Godzilla's asshole.
2176
01:33:18,031 --> 01:33:20,367
Yo, where those kites at?
2177
01:33:20,467 --> 01:33:23,003
Right this way, valued customer.
2178
01:33:25,606 --> 01:33:27,508
(Sighs deeply)
Aye-yi-yi.
2179
01:33:28,108 --> 01:33:29,643
(Sniffles)
2180
01:33:33,313 --> 01:33:35,516
(I'm from New Jersey
by John gorka playing)
2181
01:33:38,852 --> 01:33:40,320
(Sighs)
2182
01:33:41,488 --> 01:33:43,490
I wish you were here, man.
2183
01:33:45,392 --> 01:33:48,762
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2184
01:33:48,862 --> 01:33:52,132
♪ I don't expect too much
2185
01:33:52,232 --> 01:33:55,269
♪ if the world ended today
2186
01:33:55,369 --> 01:33:57,571
♪ I would adjust
2187
01:33:58,805 --> 01:34:01,808
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2188
01:34:01,910 --> 01:34:04,979
♪ no, I don't talk that way
2189
01:34:05,078 --> 01:34:08,849
♪ I watched too much TV
2190
01:34:08,950 --> 01:34:11,318
♪ when I was young
2191
01:34:13,487 --> 01:34:15,422
♪ there are girls
from New Jersey
2192
01:34:15,522 --> 01:34:20,294
♪ who have
that great big hair
2193
01:34:20,394 --> 01:34:22,931
♪ they're found
in shopping malls
2194
01:34:23,031 --> 01:34:29,703
♪ I will take you there
2195
01:34:38,579 --> 01:34:42,082
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2196
01:34:42,182 --> 01:34:45,252
♪ it's not like Texas
2197
01:34:45,352 --> 01:34:48,789
♪ there is no mystery
2198
01:34:48,889 --> 01:34:52,060
♪ I can't pretend
2199
01:34:52,159 --> 01:34:55,295
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2200
01:34:55,395 --> 01:34:58,933
♪ it's like Ohio
2201
01:34:59,033 --> 01:35:02,102
♪ but even more so
2202
01:35:02,202 --> 01:35:04,471
♪ imagine that
2203
01:35:07,008 --> 01:35:09,409
♪ I know which exit
2204
01:35:09,509 --> 01:35:13,880
♪ and where I'm bound
2205
01:35:13,982 --> 01:35:16,017
♪ the tolls on the parkway
2206
01:35:16,116 --> 01:35:22,356
♪ they will slow you down
2207
01:35:32,132 --> 01:35:35,268
♪ New Jersey people
2208
01:35:35,369 --> 01:35:38,405
♪ they will surprise you
2209
01:35:38,505 --> 01:35:42,142
♪ 'cause they're not expected
2210
01:35:42,242 --> 01:35:45,178
♪ to do too much
2211
01:35:45,278 --> 01:35:48,482
♪ they will try harder
2212
01:35:48,582 --> 01:35:52,120
♪ they may go further
2213
01:35:52,219 --> 01:35:53,921
♪ 'cause they never think
2214
01:35:54,022 --> 01:35:57,624
♪ that they are good enough
2215
01:35:58,625 --> 01:36:02,096
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2216
01:36:02,229 --> 01:36:05,365
♪ I don't expect too much
2217
01:36:05,465 --> 01:36:08,502
♪ if the world ended today
2218
01:36:08,602 --> 01:36:11,838
♪ I would adjust
2219
01:36:11,939 --> 01:36:14,341
♪ I would adjust
2220
01:36:15,375 --> 01:36:18,211
♪ I would adjust ♪
2221
01:36:23,283 --> 01:36:25,485
(Upbeat instrumental
rock music playing)
2222
01:36:51,378 --> 01:36:53,114
Hey, kids!
It's me, Kevin Smith,
2223
01:36:53,213 --> 01:36:56,416
and I can't thank you enough
for making this third trip
2224
01:36:56,516 --> 01:36:59,553
to the convenience store
with me. Thank you.
2225
01:36:59,653 --> 01:37:01,722
Um... this time's
exciting for me
2226
01:37:01,822 --> 01:37:04,357
because this time everyone
finally gets to see clerks
2227
01:37:04,458 --> 01:37:06,194
the way I've always seen clerks.
2228
01:37:06,293 --> 01:37:08,538
Most people think that clerks
is a black and white movie
2229
01:37:08,562 --> 01:37:10,697
and they're right. It was
shot on black and white film.
2230
01:37:10,797 --> 01:37:13,767
But, to me,
whenever I watch clerks,
2231
01:37:13,867 --> 01:37:15,179
even though
it's in black and white,
2232
01:37:15,203 --> 01:37:16,938
the movie appears in color.
2233
01:37:17,038 --> 01:37:18,206
Because I lived that life.
2234
01:37:18,305 --> 01:37:19,974
And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,
2235
01:37:20,074 --> 01:37:24,178
you're all seein' quick stop
and the surrounding area,
2236
01:37:24,277 --> 01:37:26,013
uh, Dante, randal,
Jay and silent Bob
2237
01:37:26,114 --> 01:37:29,382
as I've always seen them
from day one.
2238
01:37:29,483 --> 01:37:31,685
Um, in vivid, living color.
2239
01:37:31,785 --> 01:37:37,024
Uh, you know, quick stop
is the unsung, uh, star
2240
01:37:37,125 --> 01:37:39,359
of all the clerks movies,
if not,
2241
01:37:39,459 --> 01:37:41,062
you know, the epicenter
2242
01:37:41,162 --> 01:37:43,231
of the view askewniverse
films in general.
2243
01:37:43,330 --> 01:37:45,265
Um, all stories emanate
2244
01:37:45,365 --> 01:37:48,468
and flow from that
little building.
2245
01:37:48,568 --> 01:37:51,805
And when I worked there...
2246
01:37:51,906 --> 01:37:54,474
Um, I hated it.
I didn't want to be there.
2247
01:37:54,574 --> 01:37:55,852
I didn't wanna work
for somebody else
2248
01:37:55,876 --> 01:37:57,310
and I didn't wanna work there.
2249
01:37:57,410 --> 01:37:59,479
And people would come in
2250
01:37:59,579 --> 01:38:01,082
and I'd be like, "oh, my god,
2251
01:38:01,182 --> 01:38:03,151
"I have to actually
wait on people?
2252
01:38:03,251 --> 01:38:04,919
"I just wanna watch TV."
2253
01:38:05,019 --> 01:38:06,629
I didn't even wanna work
at the convenience store.
2254
01:38:06,653 --> 01:38:08,089
I tried to get a job
at rst video.
2255
01:38:08,189 --> 01:38:09,924
There was an ad
in the paper for it.
2256
01:38:10,024 --> 01:38:11,591
I went down
and talked to Mr. Topper.
2257
01:38:11,691 --> 01:38:13,161
He said... he goes,
"I see you have
2258
01:38:13,261 --> 01:38:15,395
"convenience store
experience as well."
2259
01:38:15,495 --> 01:38:17,735
I said, "yeah, I worked in a
bunch of convenience stores."
2260
01:38:17,798 --> 01:38:19,432
And he goes, "would
you be willing to work
2261
01:38:19,533 --> 01:38:21,102
"in this convenience
store next door
2262
01:38:21,202 --> 01:38:22,913
"from time to time because
we own that as well?"
2263
01:38:22,937 --> 01:38:24,647
And I was like, "uh, yeah,
if you need help."
2264
01:38:24,671 --> 01:38:26,083
And, uh, famous last
words because it...
2265
01:38:26,107 --> 01:38:27,674
It was a convenience store job.
2266
01:38:27,774 --> 01:38:29,776
He catfished me.
I just wound up
2267
01:38:29,876 --> 01:38:31,654
working in a convenience store
with a couple of hours in...
2268
01:38:31,678 --> 01:38:33,915
In a video store,
teased with paradise,
2269
01:38:34,015 --> 01:38:37,717
then seduced and abandoned
to sell, uh, goods.
2270
01:38:37,818 --> 01:38:40,420
So in clerks, randal says,
2271
01:38:40,520 --> 01:38:41,989
"man, this job would be great
2272
01:38:42,089 --> 01:38:43,958
"if it wasn't for
the fuckin' customers."
2273
01:38:44,058 --> 01:38:46,227
Uh, but in the script
for clerks III,
2274
01:38:46,326 --> 01:38:48,366
I'm gonna read you a little
something that was there
2275
01:38:48,395 --> 01:38:49,635
that I didn't use in the movie.
2276
01:38:49,663 --> 01:38:51,199
During the pullback shot
2277
01:38:51,299 --> 01:38:53,234
at the very end,
you hear John gorka's
2278
01:38:53,333 --> 01:38:54,734
beautiful I'm from New Jersey.
2279
01:38:54,835 --> 01:38:56,570
And it was so lovely,
2280
01:38:56,670 --> 01:38:58,940
I left that moment alone
and didn't put in
2281
01:38:59,040 --> 01:39:01,275
what in the script called
for, the voice of smod.
2282
01:39:01,374 --> 01:39:04,744
That would be me. And this
is what you would have heard.
2283
01:39:04,845 --> 01:39:07,081
"Randal graves spent
the rest of his life
2284
01:39:07,181 --> 01:39:08,615
"running quick stop groceries
2285
01:39:08,715 --> 01:39:10,383
"whenever he wasn't
making movies,
2286
01:39:10,483 --> 01:39:12,385
"with each film financed solely
2287
01:39:12,485 --> 01:39:14,956
"by crimson crypto studios.
2288
01:39:15,056 --> 01:39:16,756
"At a screening
of his final film,
2289
01:39:16,857 --> 01:39:18,758
"the as bury park press asked him
2290
01:39:18,859 --> 01:39:21,595
"to sum up
a life spent satisfying
2291
01:39:21,695 --> 01:39:24,898
"both the public's demand
for cigarettes and soda
2292
01:39:24,999 --> 01:39:27,534
"as well as their appetite
for the many movies
2293
01:39:27,634 --> 01:39:31,105
"he made after his
celebrated debut, clerk.
2294
01:39:31,205 --> 01:39:34,141
"The 90-year-old
randal graves replied,
2295
01:39:34,242 --> 01:39:36,053
"'i always thought that jobs
would have been great
2296
01:39:36,077 --> 01:39:38,246
"'if it weren't for
the fuckin' customers.
2297
01:39:38,346 --> 01:39:40,081
"'But as it turns out,
2298
01:39:40,181 --> 01:39:43,483
"'these jobs are great because
of the fuckin' customers.'"
2299
01:39:44,551 --> 01:39:46,287
he means it and so do I.
2300
01:39:46,386 --> 01:39:47,955
Thank you to everybody
2301
01:39:48,055 --> 01:39:49,532
whoever walked through
the door of that store
2302
01:39:49,556 --> 01:39:51,225
and made me think,
2303
01:39:51,325 --> 01:39:53,526
"somebody should put this
in a fuckin' movie."
2304
01:39:53,627 --> 01:39:56,496
Somebody did. Thank you.
2305
01:39:57,365 --> 01:39:59,566
Jay: Yeah!