1
00:01:09,738 --> 00:01:11,489
<i>Keep it going
for the next performer,</i>

2
00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:14,159
<i>my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.</i>

3
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,330
<i>Hello.</i>

4
00:01:19,748 --> 00:01:22,083
<i>Um, I'll tell you
about myself.</i>

5
00:01:22,417 --> 00:01:24,335
<i>I grew up in Pakistan.</i>

6
00:01:24,419 --> 00:01:25,962
<i>And people
are always asking me,</i>

7
00:01:26,045 --> 00:01:27,088
<i>"What was that like?"</i>

8
00:01:28,757 --> 00:01:30,925
<i>Really not that different
from here.</i>

9
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:32,844
<i>I mean, we played cricket,</i>

10
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,889
<i>which is just a spicier version
of baseball.</i>

11
00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:38,057
<i>And we prayed a lot.</i>

12
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,310
<i>Well, not a lot.
Just five times a day.</i>

13
00:01:41,478 --> 00:01:44,063
<i>And we marry someone
our parents find for us,</i>

14
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:45,607
<i>arranged marriage, you know?</i>

15
00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:47,984
<i>But, for me, it was probably
that we got episodes</i>

16
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,236
<i>of</i> Knight Rider
<i>a little bit later.</i>

17
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,529
<i>And by "little bit later, "</i>

18
00:01:51,613 --> 00:01:54,032
<i>I mean, we just got
episode two.</i>

19
00:01:55,241 --> 00:01:57,619
<i>But other than that,
it was exactly the same.</i>

20
00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:34,989
So, these are
my real journals, honestly.

21
00:02:35,073 --> 00:02:37,116
And this is the woman
who wrote them.

22
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,660
Poor gal.

23
00:02:38,743 --> 00:02:41,204
Yeah. She-- She has
no idea that, like,

24
00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:43,289
giant titties
are about to sprout

25
00:02:43,373 --> 00:02:45,834
and change her life
dramatically.

26
00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:47,502
So, uh, thank you, guys...

27
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,046
There's no bad crowds, dude,
only bad comedians.

28
00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,714
You complain about the crowd,
like, all the time.

29
00:02:51,798 --> 00:02:53,550
Yeah, like, that's when
they're really bad.

30
00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:55,426
That's, like, 90% of the time
they're really bad.

31
00:02:55,510 --> 00:02:57,178
Look, will you just watch
and give me notes tonight?

32
00:02:57,262 --> 00:02:58,096
All right?

33
00:02:58,179 --> 00:02:59,389
If we both give each other
notes, I think it helps.

34
00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:01,266
Your notes are just,
"Add more fucks into the bit."

35
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,017
- That doesn't help anybody.
- Hey, fuck's a funny word.

36
00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:04,394
It's soft on the top,
and it's hard on the end.

37
00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:05,520
That was truly horrible.

38
00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:06,604
- That was so bad.
- What happened?

39
00:03:06,688 --> 00:03:08,356
- Just watch.
- I'll watch, give you notes.

40
00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:09,649
- All right. Thank you.
- Hey, that was great.

41
00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:11,526
No, he didn't
even crack a smile.

42
00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,403
- I thought I was gonna puke.
- Who?

43
00:03:13,653 --> 00:03:14,779
Bob Dalavan.

44
00:03:15,572 --> 00:03:16,573
Who's Bob Dalavan?

45
00:03:16,656 --> 00:03:19,367
Bob Dalavan works
for the Montreal Comedy Festival,

46
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:20,994
you fucking doof.

47
00:03:21,077 --> 00:03:22,120
- He's here?
- Yes.

48
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,371
Don't you want to get noticed?

49
00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:24,706
Don't you want
to move to L.A.?

50
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:26,833
Hang out with Elijah Wood,
and shit?

51
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:28,293
Nobody's on stage?

52
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,544
No.

53
00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:32,922
He might've been
doing cocaine.

54
00:03:33,006 --> 00:03:34,757
Was he doing cocaine
recreationally?

55
00:03:34,841 --> 00:03:35,842
True cokehead.

56
00:03:35,925 --> 00:03:36,926
- Cocaine.
- I wonder if he was.

57
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,305
Now, before I bring out
the next guy,

58
00:03:40,430 --> 00:03:44,392
you guys know tonight
is Jell-O shot Tuesday!

59
00:03:46,102 --> 00:03:48,396
And we all know what happens
after eight Jell-O shots.

60
00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:51,482
We urinate all over
ourselves and puke.

61
00:03:51,566 --> 00:03:53,318
Okay, so I'm gonna
bring up the next comic.

62
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,528
- Confidence. Poise.
<i>- You know this man.</i>

63
00:03:55,612 --> 00:03:56,946
<i>Give it up
for Mr. Chris Jones!</i>

64
00:03:57,030 --> 00:03:58,907
Smile.

65
00:03:58,990 --> 00:04:01,034
<i>- Chris!</i>
- He's like if a serial killer

66
00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:02,911
fucked an inspirational speaker.

67
00:04:03,620 --> 00:04:06,122
He's like Daniel Day-Lewis,
except he sucks.

68
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:07,665
I've tried his warm-up.

69
00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:09,167
- It does not work for me.
- So unsettling.

70
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,877
Just bought
a laser printer.

71
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,212
Printed out, like,
six lasers so far.

72
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,089
- Maybe.
- Hey, DODD.

73
00:04:15,173 --> 00:04:16,382
Uh, Dalavan's
in the crowd tonight.

74
00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:17,967
- Can I do ten?
- No, five minutes.

75
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:19,636
You put out chairs,
you do five minutes.

76
00:04:19,719 --> 00:04:21,095
- You know the deal.
- Come on, man.

77
00:04:21,179 --> 00:04:22,555
I'll double it up next time.
Come on.

78
00:04:22,639 --> 00:04:23,681
What are you gonna
do in there?

79
00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:25,016
I'm making up
next week's schedule.

80
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,142
Okay, cool.

81
00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,061
I was in bed
with my girlfriend,

82
00:04:28,144 --> 00:04:31,981
and I was trying to mansplain
to her that, you know, we...

83
00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:36,778
We are on one little rock
orbiting one star in a galaxy

84
00:04:36,861 --> 00:04:39,113
of a billion stars
in a universe...

85
00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:41,449
full of a billion galaxies.

86
00:04:42,784 --> 00:04:44,285
You know, so I forgot
your birthday.

87
00:04:44,369 --> 00:04:45,536
Who gives a shit?

88
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:48,873
Like, you are cosmically
overreacting to this.

89
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,709
Honestly, you are being
super selfish.

90
00:04:51,793 --> 00:04:53,586
You're right,
but you're selfish.

91
00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:58,758
Hey.

92
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:02,136
Have you guys heard of this
drug cocktail called cheese?

93
00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:05,056
Uh, I saw these news reports,
so I looked up what cheese is,

94
00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,224
and cheese is a mixture.

95
00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:11,020
Cheese is Tylenol PM
and heroin.

96
00:05:12,647 --> 00:05:14,983
So, really, it's heroin.

97
00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:17,735
Heroin's doing
the heavy lifting.

98
00:05:18,611 --> 00:05:20,863
Just do the heroin.
It's very powerful.

99
00:05:21,114 --> 00:05:23,324
You already have heroin.

100
00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:26,369
Is Pakistan in the house?

101
00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:31,040
Really?
You're not from Pakistan.

102
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,792
I would've noticed you.

103
00:05:34,836 --> 00:05:36,295
- Are you kidding me?
- Mmm.

104
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,464
He just gave you Montreal?
Like, you don't have to

105
00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:39,882
showcase or audition
or anything?

106
00:05:39,966 --> 00:05:41,801
No. It was too easy, almost.

107
00:05:41,926 --> 00:05:44,178
Like, I wanted to struggle.
I wanted-- I wanted a story

108
00:05:44,262 --> 00:05:45,596
to be able to tell
on talk shows,

109
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:46,889
and instead, like...

110
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,225
You guys don't know how tough
it is not to struggle.

111
00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:51,853
It's-- It's a struggle
succeeding effortlessly.

112
00:05:51,978 --> 00:05:54,814
- Did he say anything about me?
- Sure.

113
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,775
- What about me?
- He... They, both of you.

114
00:05:57,859 --> 00:06:00,528
He said,
"Those guys performed."

115
00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:03,281
I truly hate you,
actually.

116
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:04,991
We all hate you.

117
00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:08,077
- Hi.
- Hi.

118
00:06:08,161 --> 00:06:09,620
- Hello.
- Um, my name's Kumail.

119
00:06:09,704 --> 00:06:10,705
Yeah, we know.

120
00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:12,206
Yeah, we saw you perform.

121
00:06:13,166 --> 00:06:15,418
Now that the niceties
are out of the way, um,

122
00:06:15,668 --> 00:06:17,795
I have to tell you
that when you yelled at me,

123
00:06:18,004 --> 00:06:19,005
it really threw me off,

124
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,758
and, uh, you really shouldn't
heckle comedians.

125
00:06:21,841 --> 00:06:23,009
It's so rude.

126
00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,011
I didn't heckle you.

127
00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:28,347
I just whoo-hoo'd you.
It was supportive.

128
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,724
Okay, that's a common
misconception.

129
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,976
But yelling anything
at a comedian

130
00:06:32,268 --> 00:06:33,311
is considered heckling.

131
00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:35,021
Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.

132
00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:37,607
So, if I--
If I yelled out, like,

133
00:06:37,690 --> 00:06:39,025
"You're amazing in bed!"

134
00:06:39,192 --> 00:06:40,985
That'd be a heckle?

135
00:06:41,194 --> 00:06:43,112
Yeah. It would be
an accurate heckle.

136
00:06:43,196 --> 00:06:44,197
- Cool.
- Whoa.

137
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:46,491
Bye.

138
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:47,950
- Oh.
- Don't go.

139
00:06:48,034 --> 00:06:49,035
- No, you can...
- I'm going.

140
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,746
You scared my friend off now.

141
00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:53,206
What's your name?

142
00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:54,540
Emily.

143
00:06:54,791 --> 00:06:56,334
Emily. Here...

144
00:06:56,626 --> 00:06:58,669
I want to show you
something, Emily.

145
00:07:02,632 --> 00:07:05,593
This is your name in Urdu.

146
00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:07,512
Oh.

147
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,100
Does this move work?

148
00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:14,393
I've had some minor success
with it.

149
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:15,603
Bullshit.

150
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,981
So, you just
came to a comedy show

151
00:07:19,065 --> 00:07:20,108
with your friends?

152
00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:24,320
Yeah. We're all grad students
at the University of Chicago.

153
00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:25,696
What are you studying
at grad school?

154
00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:28,116
I study psychology.
I'm going to be a therapist.

155
00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:30,368
Oh, so you're gonna sit
on a couch, and, like,

156
00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:32,245
ask people, like,
"How does that make you feel?"

157
00:07:32,328 --> 00:07:33,788
I mean, eventually, yeah.

158
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,581
Right now I'm just
doing fieldwork

159
00:07:35,665 --> 00:07:36,874
with this group of guys

160
00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:38,584
who are convicted
of domestic violence.

161
00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:40,795
- Jesus. Oh, wow.
- Cheers to that.

162
00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:43,506
No, don't cheers to that.
To you being a therapist.

163
00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:46,092
Great. To me getting
my master's.

164
00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,302
We'll start there, and then
we'll go to the rest of it.

165
00:07:53,224 --> 00:07:55,393
So, my roommate Chris
is probably on the couch.

166
00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:57,436
He's gonna want to try
and start a conversation.

167
00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,730
So, do not engage.

168
00:08:00,064 --> 00:08:00,898
Okay.

169
00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:01,816
Let's go.

170
00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:05,653
- Hey, pals.
- Hey.

171
00:08:06,571 --> 00:08:07,613
Hi.

172
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,415
Good for him. Good for him.

173
00:08:21,794 --> 00:08:22,628
Do you want to watch a movie?

174
00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:24,505
- Sure.
- Okay.

175
00:08:26,174 --> 00:08:28,467
Should I just, like,
put my stuff down or...

176
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,261
Yeah, I would say it's safe.
You know what?

177
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,805
That area's...
Go for that area.

178
00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:36,100
I cleaned that earlier
this year, so...

179
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,604
Should I take my shoes off
or is this a shoes-on bed?

180
00:08:40,021 --> 00:08:41,272
No, it's a shoes-off bed.

181
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,399
I have... I have strict rules.

182
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:44,525
Cool. Cool.

183
00:08:45,193 --> 00:08:46,068
Oh, wow.

184
00:08:46,152 --> 00:08:50,156
That is totally, uh,
an inflated mattress.

185
00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,116
Yeah. Well, did you think
it was gonna be

186
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,618
a flat, inflatable mattress?

187
00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:56,787
I did think it might be
an actual mattress,

188
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:57,955
but you know.

189
00:08:58,039 --> 00:09:00,291
Well, air mattresses
are actual mattresses.

190
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,126
You're being bigoted...

191
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:03,794
- Okay. Uh-huh.
- ...towards air-based...

192
00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:04,795
Uh-huh.

193
00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:06,714
- Towards air-based mattresses?
- ...comfort items.

194
00:09:08,007 --> 00:09:09,467
<i>Night of the Living Dead?</i>

195
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:11,385
Sure, I haven't
ever seen that movie.

196
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:15,223
Okay, so, basically,
the dead start rising.

197
00:09:15,306 --> 00:09:18,643
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the good guys, um...

198
00:09:28,361 --> 00:09:29,987
Text Lauren.

199
00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:32,865
You up, girl?

200
00:09:32,949 --> 00:09:34,242
No, fuck, no.

201
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,536
<i>What do you want
to say to Warren?</i>

202
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,664
She...

203
00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:41,457
<i>What do you
want to say to...</i>

204
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,709
You up, period.

205
00:09:44,794 --> 00:09:45,670
Send.

206
00:09:46,212 --> 00:09:47,797
<i>That may be beyond
my abilities at the moment.</i>

207
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,757
Fuck. No.

208
00:09:57,056 --> 00:09:58,516
What are these scars?

209
00:10:00,268 --> 00:10:03,938
Oh, they're, uh,
smallpox vaccination.

210
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:05,940
I thought only old people
had those.

211
00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,066
Well, I'm from Pakistan,

212
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,277
and we're still fighting
some battles

213
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,653
you guys have already won.

214
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,613
What were you like
in high school?

215
00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:14,448
Were you, like, super funny?

216
00:10:14,532 --> 00:10:15,908
Were you really smart?

217
00:10:16,075 --> 00:10:17,076
Were you...

218
00:10:17,702 --> 00:10:18,995
I was very shy.

219
00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:21,372
They called me <i>Chashmullee.</i>

220
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:22,707
What is that?

221
00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:25,459
It roughly translates
to "dweeb."

222
00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:27,461
I'll show you a picture.

223
00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:30,548
Of you in high school?
Oh, my God.

224
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,258
- Boom.
- No.

225
00:10:32,717 --> 00:10:34,760
And I'm thinking
I'm killing it right now.

226
00:10:34,844 --> 00:10:37,305
- What inspired this haircut?
- Hugh Grant.

227
00:10:37,388 --> 00:10:38,889
- No.
- Yeah.

228
00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:40,558
- Oh, no.
- Big fan.

229
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:42,184
- And you're so serious, too.
- Okay.

230
00:10:42,393 --> 00:10:44,312
I read an interview
with Hugh Grant.

231
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:47,398
- He said he doesn't smile.
- No. That's not real.

232
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,358
'Cause it makes his face
look fat, so I didn't...

233
00:10:49,442 --> 00:10:51,652
I didn't smile
in pictures for many years.

234
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,738
What were you like
in high school?

235
00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:54,989
Um...

236
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:58,951
Were you, like, voted, like,
most sexy?

237
00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:01,662
No. I was voted
most noticeable.

238
00:11:02,872 --> 00:11:05,416
- That's good.
- No, it's really not good.

239
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:08,961
I, uh, had acne,
and I was a goth, and...

240
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:11,547
I had this terrible perm.

241
00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:15,134
Um, yeah, the kids
called me Beetlejuice.

242
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,218
I don't know why.

243
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:19,221
Actually, I do know why.

244
00:11:19,305 --> 00:11:21,557
It's because they thought
I looked like Beetlejuice.

245
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,559
I think I'm done
with this subject.

246
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:25,394
In fact,
I think I'm gonna go home.

247
00:11:25,478 --> 00:11:27,855
Wait, wait. We haven't even
had sex again yet.

248
00:11:28,189 --> 00:11:29,607
Yeah, I'm just not
that kind of girl.

249
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,275
I only have sex once
on the first date.

250
00:11:31,359 --> 00:11:32,985
- Wow.
- Plus a hand job.

251
00:11:33,069 --> 00:11:35,196
Okay, well,
I haven't had that, so...

252
00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:37,615
You don't get that
because you made fun of me.

253
00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,575
What is happening?
What are you doing?

254
00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,035
I'm changing
under this blanket.

255
00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:42,787
I've seen everything.
Do you remember?

256
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,330
We were just having sex.

257
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:47,625
Yeah, but we were, like,
in the throes of passion then,

258
00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:48,542
and...

259
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:51,128
Listen, I had
a really nice time.

260
00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:52,380
Thank you very much.

261
00:11:52,463 --> 00:11:55,966
I'm just gonna, like,
call an Uber, go home,

262
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:58,094
and I hope...

263
00:11:59,804 --> 00:12:01,889
Just...

264
00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:04,141
Your driver will be ready

265
00:12:04,225 --> 00:12:06,018
as soon as he
puts on his pants.

266
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,271
Were you available for rides
while we were fucking?

267
00:12:09,355 --> 00:12:11,315
Yeah, but I only looked
a couple times.

268
00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:16,695
So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you
at the club sometime,

269
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,781
and we can grab a drink?

270
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,952
Um, I'm not...

271
00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:24,245
I know this sounds
like a line,

272
00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:25,746
but I'm not really, like...

273
00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:29,125
I'm not really dating
right now. I just...

274
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:32,128
I've got a lot of school
and work and...

275
00:12:32,211 --> 00:12:33,629
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just a lot on my plate.

276
00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:36,048
Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.

277
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,342
That's perfect
'cause I'm not...

278
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:40,594
...dating right now, either.

279
00:12:40,678 --> 00:12:41,804
- Okay.
- Yeah.

280
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:44,557
And I actually have
a pretty strict two-day rule

281
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,811
where I can't see someone
more than two days in a row.

282
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:51,272
So, since we hung out
for two days,

283
00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:52,815
even if I were
to see you again,

284
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,358
which I won't 'cause
you're not dating,

285
00:12:54,442 --> 00:12:55,734
I'm not dating,

286
00:12:56,277 --> 00:12:57,945
I wouldn't be able
to see you till Monday.

287
00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,488
We haven't hung out
for two days.

288
00:12:59,572 --> 00:13:00,906
We've hung out
for about five hours.

289
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:02,741
- Yeah, but...
- Just to be totally clear.

290
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:05,870
Yesterday and today
'cause it's after midnight.

291
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,289
So, today is actually
tomorrow,

292
00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:10,583
earlier tonight was yesterday,
so two days.

293
00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:12,793
You see,
I don't date time-nerds,

294
00:13:12,877 --> 00:13:16,130
so that really takes you
off the table.

295
00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:17,173
That works out

296
00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:19,800
'cause I am
a hardcore time-nerd.

297
00:13:19,884 --> 00:13:20,801
Yeah, I can tell.

298
00:13:20,885 --> 00:13:24,388
I'm, like, very strict
about a.m./p.m. stuff and...

299
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,808
So, wait.
So, just to establish,

300
00:13:27,892 --> 00:13:28,809
what did we decide?

301
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:31,437
We decided we aren't ever
gonna see each other again.

302
00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:32,646
Great.

303
00:13:33,564 --> 00:13:35,274
I'm glad
we're on the same page.

304
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,742
Look at my jeans, Kumi.

305
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,785
They're
from Citizens of Humanity.

306
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:48,120
- That's the brand's name.
- Oh.

307
00:13:48,204 --> 00:13:49,246
They're so soft.
Touch them.

308
00:13:49,330 --> 00:13:50,414
I don't want
to touch your jeans.

309
00:13:50,498 --> 00:13:51,624
- Come on, touch them.
- I'll touch them.

310
00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,000
They're like sweatpants,
you know.

311
00:13:53,292 --> 00:13:55,127
You should be stylish
like your father, you know.

312
00:13:55,211 --> 00:13:56,795
It's not very difficult.
Just observe me.

313
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,881
- Get some Daddy style.
- Yeah.

314
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,133
Kumi, why don't you
grow a beard?

315
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,010
Not like Naveed's,
just a small one.

316
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,303
- Not like his.
- Maybe like mine.

317
00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:05,429
Small, cool, and stylish.

318
00:14:05,513 --> 00:14:06,514
Kumi, I've been thinking.

319
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:09,308
You know, why you don't
enroll for LSAT now?

320
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,353
Yeah, sorry, Ma,
I haven't done it yet.

321
00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:13,854
I like that you bring it up

322
00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:15,564
as if you've never
brought it up before.

323
00:14:15,648 --> 00:14:17,149
How's the stand-up
coming, <i>Bhai?</i>

324
00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:22,613
It's going fine.
Thank you.

325
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,740
Yeah, since when
are you someone to stand up?

326
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,742
You know who I think
should stand up is Malala.

327
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:27,952
- She has something to say.
- Malala, yeah.

328
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,411
- Ooh, I love Malala.
- She has something to say.

329
00:14:29,495 --> 00:14:31,747
- Malala.
- Yeah. I know.

330
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,374
She does open mics,
and she crushes.

331
00:14:33,499 --> 00:14:35,668
A lot of ethnic material,
which I think is a crutch,

332
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:38,045
and that one story gets
a lot of play, but...

333
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:39,797
You should be on that show

334
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,257
<i>- Saturday Night Live.
- SNL.</i>

335
00:14:41,340 --> 00:14:42,758
That's a great idea.
I should e-mail them.

336
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,051
I don't know why
I hadn't thought of that.

337
00:14:44,343 --> 00:14:45,636
You know, I hacked
into your cousin

338
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,929
Rehan's Facebook account.

339
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,097
- You hacked into it?
- Oh.

340
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,765
Yeah, they were not accepting
my friends request,

341
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:50,891
- so I had to hack into it...
- Okay.

342
00:14:50,975 --> 00:14:53,477
...and I discovered that he
and that white woman

343
00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:55,729
that he's living with
are having a baby.

344
00:14:55,813 --> 00:14:57,773
- They're married.
- Yeah, whatever.

345
00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,817
And then I hacked into Tumblr,
and I discovered that

346
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,194
they have named
the baby Da-vé.

347
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,738
- Can you imagine?
- Dave.

348
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,032
- Dave?
- It's probably Dave.

349
00:15:07,116 --> 00:15:08,742
Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.

350
00:15:08,826 --> 00:15:10,578
- Nobody's named Da-vé.
- It's very, very, very sad.

351
00:15:10,661 --> 00:15:12,663
No one is going to visit
that baby, and that baby,

352
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,748
mark my words,
will grow up without a family.

353
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,667
It's like he's dead or worse.

354
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,919
It is very sad. Kumi,

355
00:15:19,003 --> 00:15:21,672
go and pray now, so then
we can eat ice cream. Go.

356
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,340
- Go. Please, go.
- Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.

357
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,426
Hurry up, <i>Bhai.</i> Ice cream.

358
00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:26,844
And then we'll eat ice cream.

359
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,471
Stop, stop.
Janamaz is downstairs. Go.

360
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:31,432
Stop.

361
00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:33,225
What is this?

362
00:15:58,626 --> 00:15:59,460
I don't know, I think--

363
00:15:59,543 --> 00:16:00,878
My mother used to
make best kulfi.

364
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:02,504
- Your grandmother.
- Oh, yeah?

365
00:16:02,588 --> 00:16:04,089
I think ice cream
is better than kulfi.

366
00:16:04,173 --> 00:16:05,591
No, no, no.

367
00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:08,177
Oh. I wonder
who that could be.

368
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:11,180
- Yeah.
- Let me check. I don't know.

369
00:16:11,263 --> 00:16:13,599
I'm guessing it's a young,
single Pakistani woman

370
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,601
who just happened
to be driving by our house,

371
00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:16,685
which is on a cul-de-sac.

372
00:16:16,769 --> 00:16:17,895
- Well...
- And I'm also guessing

373
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,897
that the phrase "dropped in"

374
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,565
will be said
in the next ten seconds.

375
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,233
- Ten.
- Ten, nine...

376
00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,903
- ...eight, seven...
- Quiet.

377
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,530
Everyone, this is Zubeida.

378
00:16:28,781 --> 00:16:30,574
- She just dropped in.
<i>- Salaam.</i>

379
00:16:32,201 --> 00:16:33,869
- Come, please. Sit.
- Mmm.

380
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:39,166
Oh, here, Kumail,
for your files.

381
00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,543
- Thank you.
- Your <i>X-Files</i> because...

382
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,671
- Thank you.
- ...that's your favorite show.

383
00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:44,630
Huh?

384
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,299
Thank you so much.

385
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,135
"The truth is out there."

386
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,848
- Uh-huh.
- It's from the show.

387
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:57,810
Thank you.

388
00:16:58,352 --> 00:16:59,645
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Bye.

389
00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:01,730
- Bye.
- I hope you come back.

390
00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:06,652
Kumi, there's not just going
to be a magic spark, okay?

391
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,446
You have to work at it.
You have to stay open.

392
00:17:09,822 --> 00:17:11,657
- Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Good.

393
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,659
I just wish you were
better at it, you know?

394
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,703
I mean, you've had so much
practice, and you're still...

395
00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,955
- You're not that good at it.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

396
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,206
Brought your A-game
with NAVEED,

397
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,500
but with me, you're just
phoning it in a little bit.

398
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,585
Again with the comedy,
the comedy.

399
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:26,338
All the time with the comedy.
Be serious sometimes.

400
00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:28,340
I am serious.
I want to help you get better.

401
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:41,061
<i>So, are you ever gonna
let me sit in the front seat?</i>

402
00:17:41,145 --> 00:17:42,646
<i>No, I'm a professional,</i>

403
00:17:42,730 --> 00:17:44,231
<i>and you're paying
for this ride.</i>

404
00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:45,691
I don't want
to pay for this ride.

405
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,901
It's surging right now.

406
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:51,196
Yeah. Sorry.

407
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,865
You shouldn't have
typed in the number.

408
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:57,327
Okay, the year is 1969.

409
00:17:57,661 --> 00:17:59,580
MGM has had
a string of failures,

410
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:03,917
so it turns to its most
bankable star, Vincent Price.

411
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:05,836
Is this your
compatibility test?

412
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:09,089
Like the way some people are
with Vonnegut or <i>Big Lebowski?</i>

413
00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:11,842
No, just watch the movie
and take it seriously

414
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:12,968
- because it's very serious.
- I'm gonna love it.

415
00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,012
I love it when men
test me on my taste.

416
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,680
I just want to share
this movie with you,

417
00:18:16,764 --> 00:18:18,265
so I don't know why
you're reading into...

418
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,976
How many women
have you showed this movie to?

419
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:23,187
Zero.

420
00:18:23,479 --> 00:18:26,565
How many women have you
shown a "B" horror movie to

421
00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:27,941
on, like, a third date?

422
00:18:30,569 --> 00:18:32,154
This is not
a "B" horror movie.

423
00:18:33,405 --> 00:18:34,531
Okay, are you ready?

424
00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:37,534
Just close your eyes
'cause when the menu comes on,

425
00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:38,952
there's some spoilers
in the menu.

426
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:40,579
- Okay?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.

427
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,705
Okay, I'll hit play.

428
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,082
Okay, go.

429
00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,182
Watch.

430
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:02,184
- I'm watching.
- Shh.

431
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,769
Watch this part.

432
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,773
- No.
- What?

433
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,149
If you're tired,
we can watch it later.

434
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,443
Sorry.
Just have that weird, like,

435
00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,403
yawning thing that happens

436
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,489
when you're watching
a really boring film.

437
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,827
It's not boring.
Just wait for it to kick in.

438
00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:21,495
- The plot kicks in really soon.
- Okay.

439
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:26,416
<i>Your loss. Nine times nine.</i>

440
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,002
<i>Nine killed you.</i>

441
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,379
That was fun.

442
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:33,799
Uh, thanks for the ride home,
but we got to stop doing this.

443
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,801
- Yeah.
- I know I've said that before,

444
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,052
but I really do mean it.

445
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:38,804
I can't be doing this
right now.

446
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:42,099
I know, I know.
Totally. 100 percent.

447
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:44,393
I agree with you.

448
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,311
- So, don't call me again.
- I won't.

449
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,355
I promise.

450
00:19:48,689 --> 00:19:50,524
Good luck
on all your future endeavors.

451
00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:51,984
Oh, yeah, thank you.

452
00:19:52,276 --> 00:19:53,610
Hey, can we have
an awkward hug

453
00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:55,696
before we part forever?

454
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,699
- Okay.
- Okay.

455
00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:01,118
Uh...

456
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,583
- Bye.
- Bye.

457
00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:25,309
Uh, you just promised
never to call me again, so...

458
00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:28,103
It's really cold out here.

459
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:30,814
It's so cold.

460
00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:32,608
You make a pretty good point.

461
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:34,276
It is a lot warmer in here.

462
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,028
It is warmer in here.

463
00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:38,030
You know,
it's really nice upstairs.

464
00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:39,114
Is it?

465
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,452
Whoa... Whoa!

466
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:46,705
What are you doing? Okay.

467
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,165
Just trying to get comfy.

468
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:51,209
Oh, let me see.
Who could that be?

469
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,717
Oh, I wonder
who that could be.

470
00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:07,225
Uncle.

471
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,811
Oh, let me see
who is that.

472
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,440
Emily,
so has Kumail told you

473
00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:15,359
that in addition
to being an Uber driver,

474
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:18,236
he also has a one-man show?

475
00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,280
No, he did not tell me that.

476
00:21:20,364 --> 00:21:22,532
- Do you really?
- Oh, it's really nothing.

477
00:21:22,616 --> 00:21:24,368
It's just something
I'm fiddling around with.

478
00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:26,870
How is a one-man show
different from stand-up?

479
00:21:26,954 --> 00:21:27,996
- It's really not.
- I guess it's because

480
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,249
there's lots of, like,
wigs and costume changes.

481
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,793
And there's a lot
of acting in it.

482
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:35,462
Mmm. And then, like,
at the end of it,

483
00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:38,048
you've got this very awkward
conversation where you go,

484
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:40,008
"I really liked it."

485
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:42,094
But I thought
you really liked it.

486
00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:44,388
I really liked it.

487
00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:47,307
- I can't wait to see this show.
- Oh, yeah.

488
00:21:47,391 --> 00:21:49,017
Okay, you will never see
the show because it's...

489
00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:50,143
- Oh, you have to see it.
- You have to.

490
00:21:50,227 --> 00:21:51,395
- It's not ready. It's not...
- You have to...

491
00:21:51,478 --> 00:21:53,855
- You will love the acting.
- You have to see it.

492
00:21:53,939 --> 00:21:55,482
They're fucking with you.
It's not really like this.

493
00:21:55,565 --> 00:21:57,025
They're fucking with me
or with you?

494
00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:58,151
It's actually very
significant.

495
00:21:58,235 --> 00:21:59,319
It seems like they're
fucking with you.

496
00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,157
I'm 12 years old, and this...

497
00:22:05,826 --> 00:22:07,035
This is home.

498
00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:10,205
Feels like I never left.

499
00:22:11,123 --> 00:22:12,374
Do you smell that?

500
00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:16,211
That's my mom cooking
the <i>murgh rogan josh.</i>

501
00:22:17,129 --> 00:22:18,755
- Fuck.
- Do you hear that?

502
00:22:19,423 --> 00:22:22,050
That's my father watching
cricket on the telly.

503
00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:24,678
Do you feel that?

504
00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:27,889
That's the weight
of Pakistan's history.

505
00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:29,975
Pakistan was formed
when it separated

506
00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:34,229
from its biggest rival, India,
on August 14th, 1947.

507
00:22:34,896 --> 00:22:36,898
Six runs.

508
00:22:36,982 --> 00:22:38,984
Silly mid on.
Short mid-wicket.

509
00:22:39,151 --> 00:22:40,902
Mid-wicket.
Deep mid-wicket.

510
00:22:40,986 --> 00:22:44,656
Mid on. Long on. Long off.
Bowler. Mid off.

511
00:22:44,990 --> 00:22:46,158
A googly is when a...

512
00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:47,492
I have to leave
as soon as the show's over.

513
00:22:47,576 --> 00:22:49,286
- I can't stay. Okay.
- Okay.

514
00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:51,413
So, if you get
a silly mid-on fielder,

515
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:53,665
you know you're getting
a yorker soon.

516
00:22:54,958 --> 00:22:57,669
So, to review,
Pakistan's biggest exports

517
00:22:57,753 --> 00:23:00,922
- are cotton and...
- Concrete.

518
00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:02,549
- Kill me.
- That's right.

519
00:23:02,758 --> 00:23:05,010
<i>Eid Mubarak.</i>
That's our Christmas.

520
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:07,345
Except instead
of the traditional Christmas ham,

521
00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:08,680
we serve <i>mithai,</i>

522
00:23:08,764 --> 00:23:11,933
which my <i>khansamah,</i> Chris,
will serve to you right now.

523
00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:14,895
<i>Khansamah</i> is Urdu
for "servant."

524
00:23:15,312 --> 00:23:16,563
If you want to make it
at home,

525
00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,982
the main ingredients
are condensed milk,

526
00:23:19,066 --> 00:23:20,567
sugar, and love.

527
00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,569
At least,
that was my mom's recipe.

528
00:23:22,778 --> 00:23:24,905
Hey, you look like
a children's toy from Malaysia.

529
00:23:24,988 --> 00:23:25,822
Now would you
all please rise

530
00:23:25,906 --> 00:23:27,324
for the Pakistani
national anthem?

531
00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:33,789
<i>Pak sarzamin shad bad</i>

532
00:23:34,122 --> 00:23:37,542
<i>Kishwar-i hasin shad bad</i>

533
00:23:39,252 --> 00:23:40,212
Hey.

534
00:23:40,295 --> 00:23:41,505
Hey. So, what'd you think?

535
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,965
- Um, I thought it was great.
- Yeah?

536
00:23:44,049 --> 00:23:45,258
I never knew that Pakistan

537
00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:47,636
had the world's largest
irrigation system.

538
00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:50,013
Yeah, something
like 14 million hectares

539
00:23:50,097 --> 00:23:50,931
are being irrigated.

540
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:52,682
Like, as soon as I read that,
I was like,

541
00:23:52,766 --> 00:23:53,892
"Oh, that's going
in the show."

542
00:23:54,059 --> 00:23:55,060
- Totally.
- Hi, Emily.

543
00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,144
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.

544
00:23:56,228 --> 00:23:58,855
Hey. Dude, that was...
You were in the zone, man.

545
00:23:58,939 --> 00:24:00,440
That was... That was
the best one we've seen.

546
00:24:00,524 --> 00:24:04,820
Yeah, that was
so honest and good.

547
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,072
And you know what
I realized halfway through?

548
00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:09,032
- You're from Pakistan.
- Yes.

549
00:24:09,116 --> 00:24:10,659
- Cool, good to see you, Emily.
- Yes. Okay, bye, guys.

550
00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,494
- Great. Bye, guys.
- Keep up the...

551
00:24:13,912 --> 00:24:15,914
- They seemed to like it.
- They're so nice.

552
00:24:16,665 --> 00:24:19,751
So, really, what'd you think?
Like, it's a work in progress.

553
00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:23,338
I really liked it.
I learned a lot about Pakistan

554
00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:25,966
and cricket,
all those positions.

555
00:24:26,091 --> 00:24:28,552
But I just wish that I had
learned more about you.

556
00:24:29,052 --> 00:24:30,637
- Does that make any sense?
- Yeah.

557
00:24:53,368 --> 00:24:55,537
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

558
00:24:57,289 --> 00:24:58,498
It's 3:00 a.m.

559
00:24:58,582 --> 00:25:02,335
Is that, uh, diner
around the corner open?

560
00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:03,962
It's 24 hours.

561
00:25:04,045 --> 00:25:06,923
Why, you want an old
lemon meringue pie?

562
00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:08,675
You're so funny.

563
00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:12,929
No, actually, um, I just,
I really need to, um,

564
00:25:13,430 --> 00:25:14,556
get a cup of coffee.

565
00:25:14,639 --> 00:25:15,974
I can make you coffee.

566
00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:21,396
I love diner coffee.
I just love that burnt taste.

567
00:25:21,479 --> 00:25:22,397
All right, I'll come with you.

568
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,316
No, no, no, no, no.
No, why would you do that?

569
00:25:24,399 --> 00:25:25,442
It's a bad neighborhood.

570
00:25:25,525 --> 00:25:26,985
I'm not gonna let you
go on your own.

571
00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:28,320
- Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?
- Okay.

572
00:25:28,403 --> 00:25:29,779
Seriously, that's the most
misogynous thing

573
00:25:29,863 --> 00:25:30,739
I've ever heard.

574
00:25:30,822 --> 00:25:32,199
- Why are you being so weird?
- Fuck you.

575
00:25:32,282 --> 00:25:33,742
- I'm not being weird.
- You're being so weird.

576
00:25:33,825 --> 00:25:35,702
You're being weird.
You're being so weird.

577
00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:36,828
How am I weird?
I want to sleep

578
00:25:36,912 --> 00:25:38,246
- while it's sleep time.
- This is normal.

579
00:25:38,330 --> 00:25:40,165
Girls go to get coffee
in the middle of the night.

580
00:25:40,248 --> 00:25:41,416
Have you never had
a girlfriend before?

581
00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:43,084
- This is what it's like.
- Are you okay?

582
00:25:43,168 --> 00:25:45,128
Everything is not okay.
Everything is not good.

583
00:25:45,212 --> 00:25:46,963
Hey, hey, hey.
You could tell me anything,

584
00:25:47,047 --> 00:25:47,923
you know that, right?

585
00:25:48,006 --> 00:25:49,090
You could tell me anything.

586
00:25:49,174 --> 00:25:51,134
I have to take a shit, okay?

587
00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:56,348
I have to take a huge,
fucking dookie.

588
00:25:56,514 --> 00:25:58,600
I can't poo in your bathroom

589
00:25:58,934 --> 00:26:00,185
because you don't
have any matches,

590
00:26:00,268 --> 00:26:01,519
and you don't have
any air freshener.

591
00:26:01,603 --> 00:26:02,854
What kind of person
doesn't have any matches

592
00:26:02,938 --> 00:26:03,939
or air freshener
in the bathroom?

593
00:26:04,231 --> 00:26:06,900
The walls are so thin,
and Chris is right out there.

594
00:26:07,067 --> 00:26:09,736
Please, stop laughing.
Please, please, please.

595
00:26:09,903 --> 00:26:11,780
Okay. I have an idea.

596
00:26:22,582 --> 00:26:24,918
Hey. How are you?

597
00:26:25,001 --> 00:26:27,087
I do not want
to talk about it.

598
00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:35,011
Watch and learn, <i>Bhai.</i>

599
00:26:35,553 --> 00:26:38,181
It's all about shifting
the weight and the torque.

600
00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:39,849
Oh, Christ.

601
00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:41,851
Oh. Okay.

602
00:26:45,814 --> 00:26:48,441
Hey, you're like
a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.

603
00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:51,778
<i>There you go, honey.
Yeah. That's it.</i>

604
00:26:51,861 --> 00:26:53,822
He's pretty good.
Just do what he's doing.

605
00:26:54,906 --> 00:26:56,157
<i>Okay, great.</i>

606
00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:57,742
Mine.

607
00:26:58,076 --> 00:26:59,369
Come on, man,
just let me...

608
00:26:59,452 --> 00:27:01,538
Mine.
Mine, mine, mine, thank you.

609
00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:03,373
- Why do you get the Chana?
- You go on that... No.

610
00:27:03,456 --> 00:27:04,457
Mmm.

611
00:27:05,208 --> 00:27:06,543
This cookie's really good.

612
00:27:06,793 --> 00:27:08,295
They're biscuits.
Listen to yourself.

613
00:27:08,378 --> 00:27:09,879
You hardly sound Pakistani.

614
00:27:10,130 --> 00:27:11,298
"Cookies."

615
00:27:11,548 --> 00:27:13,091
Sound like
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

616
00:27:14,134 --> 00:27:15,343
Such a burger.

617
00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:17,137
- I'm not a burger.
- Yes, you're a burger.

618
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:18,263
- I'm not a burger.
- You're a big, fat burger.

619
00:27:18,346 --> 00:27:20,056
And biscuit is
actually a British term.

620
00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:21,349
Oh, thank you
for all the information

621
00:27:21,433 --> 00:27:22,350
I don't give a shit about.

622
00:27:22,434 --> 00:27:24,019
And you should listen to Mom
and grow a beard.

623
00:27:25,061 --> 00:27:26,604
Gets really itchy. I've tried.

624
00:27:26,688 --> 00:27:27,647
- It's all patchy.
- Oh, is it itchy?

625
00:27:27,731 --> 00:27:29,441
- I know I sound like a baby.
- Well, try being a man

626
00:27:29,524 --> 00:27:30,942
and conditioning like I do.

627
00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:32,527
What's the whole thing
with Muslims

628
00:27:32,610 --> 00:27:33,611
growing beards, anyway?

629
00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:35,071
It's such
an arbitrary thing, right?

630
00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:37,532
Like, who decided that,
"Oh, we have to have beards."

631
00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:39,409
Oh. But you'll do...
So, there's a billion of us,

632
00:27:39,576 --> 00:27:41,119
and you're the only one
with the truth.

633
00:27:41,244 --> 00:27:42,662
Is that right?

634
00:27:42,746 --> 00:27:45,165
So, the sun is just
shining down on you right now.

635
00:27:45,248 --> 00:27:47,459
It's just parting.

636
00:27:50,003 --> 00:27:53,465
You know, I have to tell
you something, <i>Bhai.</i>

637
00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:56,801
Here we go. Yeah.

638
00:27:59,262 --> 00:28:01,222
I've been dating this girl.

639
00:28:02,265 --> 00:28:03,516
- She's white.
- Oh.

640
00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:04,684
I thought you were gonna say

641
00:28:04,768 --> 00:28:06,144
you were involved
in a hit-and-run

642
00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:07,812
or you got caught
forging some checks,

643
00:28:07,896 --> 00:28:09,814
but a white girl?

644
00:28:09,898 --> 00:28:11,274
I mean,
that's such a cliché.

645
00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:12,650
It's okay,
and we hate terrorists.

646
00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:14,152
- It's...
- Just... sorry.

647
00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:18,073
Listen, I understand.
You're in America,

648
00:28:18,156 --> 00:28:19,449
and you want
to mow a few lawns

649
00:28:19,532 --> 00:28:20,825
and see what it's like, but...

650
00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:24,496
Eventually, you have
to marry a Pakistani girl.

651
00:28:24,579 --> 00:28:25,622
Like...

652
00:28:26,247 --> 00:28:28,208
Like, I hung out
with other girls,

653
00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,085
but then I married Fatima.

654
00:28:30,293 --> 00:28:31,961
And we hardly spoke
two words to each other

655
00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:34,547
in the first few months,
but now, Kumi,

656
00:28:34,631 --> 00:28:36,591
- she's like my best friend.
- I know.

657
00:28:36,674 --> 00:28:38,385
You have to break up with her
immediately.

658
00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:42,180
If I find someone
who's as good for me

659
00:28:42,263 --> 00:28:43,556
as Fatima is for you,

660
00:28:43,848 --> 00:28:45,308
Mom would understand, right?

661
00:28:45,392 --> 00:28:47,852
I mean, she wouldn't
love me less.

662
00:28:47,936 --> 00:28:49,479
Oh, she'd definitely
love you less.

663
00:28:49,979 --> 00:28:51,106
Slowly, it'd sort of...

664
00:28:52,065 --> 00:28:54,526
What's the word when guys
stop returning girl's calls?

665
00:28:55,235 --> 00:28:56,486
- Ghosting?
- Yes.

666
00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:59,406
You have to end it now,
or Mom will fucking ghost you.

667
00:29:00,073 --> 00:29:01,241
Now, come on.

668
00:29:02,242 --> 00:29:03,493
Batting.

669
00:29:11,084 --> 00:29:13,753
I am getting, like,
a lot of bright fruit.

670
00:29:13,837 --> 00:29:15,296
I'd say it's very
fruit-forward.

671
00:29:15,380 --> 00:29:18,133
Mmm-hmm. It tastes like
grape juice that's gone bad.

672
00:29:18,216 --> 00:29:19,092
- Like...
- Yeah.

673
00:29:19,175 --> 00:29:20,301
Why do you know
so much about wine?

674
00:29:21,761 --> 00:29:24,180
Um, because,

675
00:29:24,806 --> 00:29:26,266
uh...

676
00:29:27,058 --> 00:29:29,727
I was pretty unhappy
in my first marriage,

677
00:29:29,811 --> 00:29:31,271
and I drank a lot,

678
00:29:31,479 --> 00:29:34,232
and, uh, one way to cover
drinking a lot is to just,

679
00:29:34,315 --> 00:29:35,650
like, know a lot about wine.

680
00:29:35,733 --> 00:29:37,277
Wait. I'm sorry.
What did you just say?

681
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,737
That knowing a lot about wine
covers for drinking a lot.

682
00:29:39,821 --> 00:29:42,073
Uh, no, I mean
the huge piece of information

683
00:29:42,157 --> 00:29:43,741
that you're trying
to just blow right past.

684
00:29:43,992 --> 00:29:46,327
Yeah. Yeah, I was married.

685
00:29:46,411 --> 00:29:47,662
- You were married?
- Um... I was.

686
00:29:47,745 --> 00:29:48,830
I was married.

687
00:29:49,372 --> 00:29:51,791
Do you want to talk
about something else or...

688
00:29:52,167 --> 00:29:54,043
Yeah, 'cause I don't really
have any questions.

689
00:29:54,127 --> 00:29:55,295
- No.
- Other than...

690
00:29:55,420 --> 00:29:57,714
When did you get married?
When did you get divorced?

691
00:29:57,797 --> 00:29:59,549
What's his name?
How tall is he?

692
00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:00,842
Did you love him?

693
00:30:00,925 --> 00:30:02,302
I guess I have
a couple questions.

694
00:30:02,385 --> 00:30:03,219
Uh-huh.

695
00:30:04,179 --> 00:30:08,224
Um, his name was-- is Ryan.

696
00:30:08,475 --> 00:30:09,976
We met in college.

697
00:30:10,852 --> 00:30:13,188
Everyone I knew was getting
married super young,

698
00:30:13,271 --> 00:30:19,444
so we did, and, um, one day
I was at a restaurant,

699
00:30:19,611 --> 00:30:22,530
and I saw
this couple making out.

700
00:30:23,156 --> 00:30:25,992
And I thought,

701
00:30:26,075 --> 00:30:28,703
"Huh. I don't think about
my husband like that.

702
00:30:28,912 --> 00:30:30,163
"But that's okay."

703
00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,790
And then another part
of my brain was like,

704
00:30:32,874 --> 00:30:35,543
"No, that's not okay.
This is your life."

705
00:30:36,169 --> 00:30:37,754
I feel like this is
freaking you out.

706
00:30:37,837 --> 00:30:40,131
- Is this freaking you out?
- It's not freaking me out.

707
00:30:41,841 --> 00:30:43,927
I don't want to put
pressure on you.

708
00:30:44,511 --> 00:30:46,596
And I know it's only been
a few months,

709
00:30:47,096 --> 00:30:49,516
but I just wanted to tell you,
I...

710
00:30:50,934 --> 00:30:53,978
...am...overwhelmed by you.

711
00:30:55,104 --> 00:30:56,981
It's the last thing
I was expecting.

712
00:31:00,151 --> 00:31:02,737
This is also the last thing
I was expecting.

713
00:31:03,571 --> 00:31:06,824
And I also feel completely
overwhelmed by you.

714
00:31:09,494 --> 00:31:11,579
- That's a weird thing to say.
- Why?

715
00:31:11,663 --> 00:31:14,082
I just said what you said,
exactly what you said.

716
00:31:14,165 --> 00:31:16,626
Yeah, it wasn't weird
when I said it.

717
00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:21,089
- No...
- It's okay.

718
00:31:29,847 --> 00:31:31,766
So, listen,
my parents are going

719
00:31:31,849 --> 00:31:34,686
- to be in town this weekend.
- Oh, that's great.

720
00:31:34,769 --> 00:31:36,563
Will you maybe want to come
and meet them for lunch?

721
00:31:38,398 --> 00:31:40,942
Oh, we can't 'cause
of the two-day rule, right?

722
00:31:41,359 --> 00:31:43,695
Well, you'll come to Mary's
party Friday night, right?

723
00:31:43,778 --> 00:31:45,113
And then we'll probably
spend the night,

724
00:31:45,196 --> 00:31:47,407
so I won't be able
to see you till Monday, so...

725
00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:51,911
Okay. Well, I would love
to meet your parents.

726
00:31:52,078 --> 00:31:53,538
They live in the city, right?

727
00:31:53,913 --> 00:31:57,083
Well, they live
in the suburbs,

728
00:31:57,166 --> 00:31:58,960
and, uh, you know,

729
00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:00,378
I don't really see them
very much.

730
00:32:00,670 --> 00:32:02,005
Have they asked about me?

731
00:32:02,088 --> 00:32:03,673
- What do they think?
- Oh, um...

732
00:32:03,756 --> 00:32:05,133
Do they...
Do they want to meet me?

733
00:32:05,216 --> 00:32:06,467
My parents want to meet you.

734
00:32:06,551 --> 00:32:08,511
Of course, of course.
They're dying to meet you.

735
00:32:08,595 --> 00:32:11,055
- Ow. Oh, my God.
- Whoa, you okay?

736
00:32:11,139 --> 00:32:13,016
- Yep.
- What happened?

737
00:32:13,266 --> 00:32:14,142
- Do you...
- Totally fine.

738
00:32:14,684 --> 00:32:15,518
Do you need...

739
00:32:15,602 --> 00:32:16,936
No, I think I just
tweaked my ankle.

740
00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:17,895
...assistance?

741
00:32:17,979 --> 00:32:21,566
I took this stupid hip-hop
dance class last weekend.

742
00:32:21,858 --> 00:32:23,318
You should get it looked at.
Do you want ice?

743
00:32:23,401 --> 00:32:24,527
- I don't need anything.
- I can get you a bag of ice.

744
00:32:24,611 --> 00:32:26,112
Look, I'm walking on it.
I'm totally fine.

745
00:32:26,195 --> 00:32:27,822
- I can carry you.
- Kumail, seriously, stop.

746
00:32:27,905 --> 00:32:28,823
I can carry you
the rest of the day.

747
00:32:28,906 --> 00:32:29,741
Stop.

748
00:32:33,620 --> 00:32:35,455
Hey, I liked your friends.

749
00:32:36,164 --> 00:32:37,832
That Craig guy?

750
00:32:38,666 --> 00:32:39,876
Or was it Greg?

751
00:32:39,959 --> 00:32:42,170
You know, I can never tell
with those names.

752
00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,922
I'm glad I like him 'cause
I don't want have to, like,

753
00:32:45,006 --> 00:32:47,008
come up with excuses
to avoid him, you know?

754
00:32:47,091 --> 00:32:50,887
Like... Like, "Oh, no.
I have kite-surfing tonight."

755
00:32:51,763 --> 00:32:55,099
You know, in the UK,
Craig is pronounced Crayg,

756
00:32:55,683 --> 00:32:58,311
which is good 'cause that's
how it's written, right?

757
00:32:58,686 --> 00:33:00,938
Anyway, he's a great guy.

758
00:33:03,900 --> 00:33:05,568
I was gonna
tell you about that.

759
00:33:06,235 --> 00:33:09,489
Are you judging <i>Pakistan's
Next Top Model</i> or something?

760
00:33:09,572 --> 00:33:11,949
- No.
- Seriously.

761
00:33:12,033 --> 00:33:13,993
- Who are these women?
- Okay, um...

762
00:33:14,327 --> 00:33:16,537
You know how we have
arranged marriage in my culture?

763
00:33:18,414 --> 00:33:19,707
These are those women.

764
00:33:20,333 --> 00:33:23,086
These are women in Pakistan
who want to marry you?

765
00:33:23,419 --> 00:33:24,629
They're not in Pakistan.

766
00:33:25,254 --> 00:33:26,255
You've met these women?

767
00:33:26,339 --> 00:33:29,258
Just with my parents and
stuff, but we haven't, like...

768
00:33:29,592 --> 00:33:31,678
But you're not serious
about this, are you?

769
00:33:31,761 --> 00:33:34,514
It's my mom's thing.
I just go along with it.

770
00:33:35,765 --> 00:33:38,101
So, what does your mom
think about you and me then?

771
00:33:41,771 --> 00:33:43,564
She doesn't know about me,
does she?

772
00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:46,651
No.

773
00:33:54,826 --> 00:33:56,285
- Emily, just...
- Fuck!

774
00:33:56,369 --> 00:33:57,453
Five fucking months
of red flags.

775
00:33:58,204 --> 00:33:59,455
Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

776
00:34:01,082 --> 00:34:02,542
You ducking my parents.

777
00:34:02,834 --> 00:34:05,002
Oh, my God, the two-day rule.

778
00:34:05,086 --> 00:34:06,337
No, that had nothing
to do with it.

779
00:34:06,421 --> 00:34:08,089
Seriously.
Red flag after red flag.

780
00:34:09,424 --> 00:34:11,926
You're such a liar.
You lied to me.

781
00:34:12,009 --> 00:34:13,469
You lied to your parents.

782
00:34:14,262 --> 00:34:15,972
And those are just
the people you like.

783
00:34:16,431 --> 00:34:18,433
Is there someone that
you're not lying to?

784
00:34:18,766 --> 00:34:20,768
I'd love to meet them because
then I could tell them

785
00:34:20,852 --> 00:34:22,603
- what a fucking liar you are!
- You know what?

786
00:34:22,687 --> 00:34:24,397
You didn't tell me about
your divorce until recently.

787
00:34:24,647 --> 00:34:26,482
So, you were hiding
fucking something, too.

788
00:34:26,607 --> 00:34:30,403
My divorce does not mean
that our future is impossible.

789
00:34:30,486 --> 00:34:32,113
It actually means
the direct opposite.

790
00:34:32,321 --> 00:34:34,657
I'm not hiding anything
from you. Okay?

791
00:34:34,907 --> 00:34:36,159
I'm an open fucking book.

792
00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:38,286
You want to know
what's in my cigar box?

793
00:34:39,078 --> 00:34:40,079
Stickers.

794
00:34:40,538 --> 00:34:41,456
Stickers and stamps.

795
00:34:41,539 --> 00:34:43,207
Aren't you a therapist?
Aren't you supposed to be good

796
00:34:43,291 --> 00:34:45,585
- at handling this kind of...
- Where are my fucking shoes?

797
00:34:46,586 --> 00:34:48,796
Aren't you supposed to be,
like, able to deal with this

798
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:50,548
better than you are right now?

799
00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:52,633
I am expressing myself!

800
00:34:55,178 --> 00:34:58,014
You know what we call arranged
marriage in Pakistan, Emily?

801
00:34:58,306 --> 00:35:01,309
Marriage. Okay?
We just call it marriage.

802
00:35:01,684 --> 00:35:02,602
There's another type
of marriage.

803
00:35:02,685 --> 00:35:04,020
It's called love marriage,
and that's bad.

804
00:35:04,103 --> 00:35:05,480
My cousin Rehan
married an Irish woman,

805
00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:07,148
and he was kicked
out of the family.

806
00:35:07,231 --> 00:35:10,193
Nobody is allowed
to talk to him.

807
00:35:10,276 --> 00:35:11,569
Why didn't you tell me
any of this?

808
00:35:11,652 --> 00:35:13,362
Because I didn't think
you'd fucking understand,

809
00:35:13,446 --> 00:35:14,781
and I was fucking right.

810
00:35:15,323 --> 00:35:16,240
You don't think that I could

811
00:35:16,324 --> 00:35:17,283
fathom your life
in any fucking way?

812
00:35:17,366 --> 00:35:18,618
Oh, you think you could
understand me?

813
00:35:18,701 --> 00:35:20,536
I'm fighting
a 1,400-year-old culture.

814
00:35:20,620 --> 00:35:22,413
You were ugly in high school.

815
00:35:22,497 --> 00:35:24,332
There's a big
fucking difference.

816
00:35:26,626 --> 00:35:27,877
I'm sorry.

817
00:35:31,297 --> 00:35:32,757
I can't lose my family.

818
00:35:38,429 --> 00:35:40,807
Can you imagine
a world in w...

819
00:35:42,725 --> 00:35:44,519
In which we end up together?

820
00:35:48,773 --> 00:35:49,982
I don't know.

821
00:35:55,196 --> 00:35:56,322
I have to go.

822
00:35:57,448 --> 00:35:59,033
Don't fucking call me.

823
00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:06,457
Multigrain, pumpernickel,

824
00:36:06,666 --> 00:36:11,087
pita bread, hot dog bun,
croutons.

825
00:36:11,254 --> 00:36:12,839
I can't eat any of it.

826
00:36:14,382 --> 00:36:15,591
<i>I don't want kids.</i>

827
00:36:16,008 --> 00:36:19,387
People say, "Sam,
you're gonna love it.

828
00:36:19,595 --> 00:36:20,847
"This kid...
You're gonna have a kid,

829
00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:22,223
"he's gonna be
your best friend."

830
00:36:22,431 --> 00:36:24,183
A best friend that...

831
00:36:24,308 --> 00:36:26,435
that pukes on you
and shits everywhere

832
00:36:26,519 --> 00:36:27,562
and is constantly screaming.

833
00:36:27,645 --> 00:36:29,522
I already have friends
like that.

834
00:36:29,689 --> 00:36:31,357
People say, "Sam..."

835
00:36:31,524 --> 00:36:33,276
I know you're bummed,
all right, but, like...

836
00:36:33,609 --> 00:36:35,403
Emily's a good person.
I'm not saying she's not.

837
00:36:35,570 --> 00:36:37,071
All I'm saying is,
this is the universe

838
00:36:37,154 --> 00:36:39,407
telling you,
"Seize your moment.

839
00:36:39,490 --> 00:36:41,325
"Be a little selfish
and pursue your career."

840
00:36:41,492 --> 00:36:43,202
Bob Dalavan's gonna be here
on Thursday.

841
00:36:43,286 --> 00:36:44,662
If you get the Montreal
Comedy Festival,

842
00:36:44,745 --> 00:36:46,289
it would change things
for you.

843
00:36:46,789 --> 00:36:48,207
You don't want to get stuck
in Chicago, right?

844
00:36:48,291 --> 00:36:50,293
You don't want to end up
like Sam Highsmith,

845
00:36:50,376 --> 00:36:52,336
who's been doing
the "People say Sam" bit

846
00:36:52,420 --> 00:36:53,504
since '03.

847
00:36:53,588 --> 00:36:55,131
I don't like kids.

848
00:36:55,214 --> 00:36:56,799
- People say, "Sam..."
- See?

849
00:36:56,883 --> 00:36:58,092
- Is that what you want?
- It's like...

850
00:36:58,175 --> 00:36:59,427
Is that what you want
for your life?

851
00:36:59,510 --> 00:37:01,846
It's amazing.
And it's the same material.

852
00:37:01,929 --> 00:37:03,472
- What do people say?
- Sam.

853
00:37:03,556 --> 00:37:04,849
- People say what?
- Sam.

854
00:37:04,932 --> 00:37:06,642
I'm Sam Highsmith.
Thank you very much.

855
00:37:06,726 --> 00:37:08,060
You know what,
I'm gonna tell him...

856
00:37:08,144 --> 00:37:09,770
- He's a hack.
- ...how I feel about it.

857
00:37:09,854 --> 00:37:10,855
- Fucking tell him.
- Never writes anything new.

858
00:37:10,938 --> 00:37:12,106
- I'm gonna tell him...
- It's fucking bullshit.

859
00:37:12,189 --> 00:37:13,649
- Great set, dude.
- I'm feeling it, bro.

860
00:37:13,733 --> 00:37:15,484
- Killing me, man.
- Crushing. Love the new stuff.

861
00:37:17,028 --> 00:37:18,070
We should be ashamed
of ourselves.

862
00:37:18,154 --> 00:37:19,405
We're weak. We're weak.

863
00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:21,741
<i>I wouldn't call it
an obsession,</i>

864
00:37:21,824 --> 00:37:23,409
but I'm pretty good at magic.

865
00:37:23,534 --> 00:37:25,244
Yeah.

866
00:37:25,661 --> 00:37:27,288
Can you make
his belly disappear?

867
00:37:27,371 --> 00:37:29,165
- Oh.
- Come on.

868
00:37:29,248 --> 00:37:30,625
I'm too happy with my belly.

869
00:37:30,708 --> 00:37:31,751
Does anyone have a dollar?

870
00:37:32,126 --> 00:37:33,669
- I will give you something.
- Okay.

871
00:37:34,712 --> 00:37:37,006
Twenty? Big spender.

872
00:37:37,465 --> 00:37:38,925
All right. Andrew Jackson.

873
00:37:39,008 --> 00:37:41,010
Don't you think
he would look cool

874
00:37:41,093 --> 00:37:42,720
with a pair of sunglasses?

875
00:37:43,888 --> 00:37:46,057
Yeah, I really...

876
00:37:47,516 --> 00:37:50,353
- Okay. Mmm.
- Okay.

877
00:37:51,270 --> 00:37:52,355
- Oh, he's... Okay.
- Right?

878
00:37:52,438 --> 00:37:55,024
- Okay, stylish.
- Yes. Mmm-hmm.

879
00:37:55,691 --> 00:37:56,609
Okay.

880
00:37:56,692 --> 00:37:58,611
And now we sprinkle
the magic dust on.

881
00:37:58,819 --> 00:37:59,862
Just a little bit.

882
00:37:59,946 --> 00:38:01,489
Yeah, you can't do it
without the magic dust. Yeah.

883
00:38:01,572 --> 00:38:03,282
No, yeah, I need it.
All right.

884
00:38:04,575 --> 00:38:06,118
- Abracadabra.
- Okay.

885
00:38:07,203 --> 00:38:09,372
- Watching carefully.
- Mmm-hmm.

886
00:38:13,084 --> 00:38:14,126
That is amazing.

887
00:38:14,502 --> 00:38:16,587
And he does look better
with glasses.

888
00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:17,922
- Right?
- He does.

889
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:18,839
How did you do that?

890
00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,716
Oh, no, a magician never
reveals her tricks.

891
00:38:21,926 --> 00:38:23,469
Here's your 20 back,
Mr. Nanjiani.

892
00:38:23,552 --> 00:38:25,930
Do you think I can use this
$20 bill now to buy something?

893
00:38:26,013 --> 00:38:27,390
It look better now, right?

894
00:38:32,353 --> 00:38:34,605
I was watching this
monster movie with my friend.

895
00:38:34,814 --> 00:38:36,190
And he turned to me,
and he was like,

896
00:38:36,399 --> 00:38:38,234
"What would you do
in that situation?"

897
00:38:39,026 --> 00:38:41,821
I'm never gonna be one
of the last guys alive.

898
00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:43,906
I'm gonna be
the first guy to die.

899
00:38:44,323 --> 00:38:46,951
I die so the other characters
get to find out

900
00:38:47,034 --> 00:38:48,703
that something weird's
going on.

901
00:38:49,245 --> 00:38:51,205
I go off alone
to find the cat.

902
00:38:53,541 --> 00:38:56,627
I never even find out
that there were monsters.

903
00:38:57,128 --> 00:39:00,423
To me, the plot of the movie was
we're at a research facility

904
00:39:00,506 --> 00:39:02,091
and the cat's missing!

905
00:39:02,466 --> 00:39:03,759
The end.

906
00:39:03,843 --> 00:39:06,929
Denise, this...

907
00:39:07,722 --> 00:39:09,140
...is your name in Urdu.

908
00:39:09,223 --> 00:39:11,183
Wow, that is so cool.

909
00:39:12,476 --> 00:39:14,395
- Kumail?
- Hey.

910
00:39:14,478 --> 00:39:17,231
- Hey, Bob Dalavan.
- Yeah. I know you.

911
00:39:17,815 --> 00:39:21,652
Some very interesting premises
in your set tonight.

912
00:39:21,736 --> 00:39:23,154
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.

913
00:39:23,237 --> 00:39:24,864
I just wanted you to know.
I'm about to take off.

914
00:39:24,947 --> 00:39:27,742
But you made it to the finals
for the Montreal showcase.

915
00:39:27,825 --> 00:39:29,326
Oh, my God. Thank you.

916
00:39:29,410 --> 00:39:30,786
- You, too, Mary.
- Oh!

917
00:39:30,995 --> 00:39:32,413
- Okay.
- Okay.

918
00:39:32,955 --> 00:39:34,248
So we'll see you guys
up there.

919
00:39:34,498 --> 00:39:35,499
- Yeah.
- We'll be in touch.

920
00:39:35,750 --> 00:39:38,085
- Well, what about C-Dog?
- Who's that?

921
00:39:39,045 --> 00:39:40,421
Uh, me. What about me?

922
00:39:40,504 --> 00:39:41,756
Oh, you know what?

923
00:39:42,965 --> 00:39:44,216
Funny stuff, okay?

924
00:39:49,388 --> 00:39:50,723
I'll walk you out.

925
00:39:52,850 --> 00:39:55,895
Hey, do you want
to go somewhere?

926
00:39:56,395 --> 00:39:57,897
Yeah, let's go somewhere.

927
00:40:16,582 --> 00:40:17,541
Hello?

928
00:40:17,792 --> 00:40:19,335
<i>Kumail, it's Jessie.</i>

929
00:40:20,544 --> 00:40:21,754
Hey. Who?

930
00:40:22,046 --> 00:40:24,006
<i>Jessie.
I'm in school with Emily.</i>

931
00:40:24,256 --> 00:40:25,341
<i>Listen,
Emily's in the hospital.</i>

932
00:40:25,424 --> 00:40:26,801
<i>She has a really bad flu
or something.</i>

933
00:40:27,593 --> 00:40:28,427
What?

934
00:40:28,511 --> 00:40:30,012
<i>Could you just go, please?</i>

935
00:40:30,096 --> 00:40:32,223
<i>We need someone there.
We have exams tomorrow,</i>

936
00:40:32,306 --> 00:40:33,891
<i>so nobody else can go.</i>

937
00:40:34,141 --> 00:40:35,392
<i>She's still in the ER.</i>

938
00:40:35,726 --> 00:40:36,936
<i>Could you just go
and sit with her,</i>

939
00:40:37,019 --> 00:40:38,229
<i>and then drive her home,
please?</i>

940
00:40:38,437 --> 00:40:39,855
<i>I was there
for as long as I could,</i>

941
00:40:39,939 --> 00:40:41,273
<i>but I had to leave.</i>

942
00:40:54,870 --> 00:40:57,248
Hi. I'm looking
for Emily Gardner.

943
00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:01,502
Um... Emily Gardner.
She was checked in...

944
00:41:30,865 --> 00:41:31,782
Hey.

945
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:35,286
What are you doing here?

946
00:41:35,369 --> 00:41:36,912
Um, Jessie called me

947
00:41:36,996 --> 00:41:40,499
and wanted me to make sure
you were okay.

948
00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:44,920
- So how are you doing?
- Fine.

949
00:41:45,004 --> 00:41:46,839
I'm totally fine.
Never been better.

950
00:41:46,922 --> 00:41:48,549
A 1,000% fine.

951
00:41:48,924 --> 00:41:51,177
Just, like, fainted a little
at work.

952
00:41:51,969 --> 00:41:53,429
I didn't have breakfast
this morning.

953
00:41:54,471 --> 00:41:56,557
Breakfast, the most important
meal of the day.

954
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:57,474
You know that.

955
00:41:59,143 --> 00:42:01,854
Ms. Gardner, your room
will be ready soon, okay?

956
00:42:01,937 --> 00:42:03,939
Oh, no, no, actually,
I would just love to go home

957
00:42:04,023 --> 00:42:05,065
and sleep in my own bed.

958
00:42:05,149 --> 00:42:07,526
Sir, can you step outside
for a moment, please?

959
00:42:08,277 --> 00:42:10,362
If you want to stay, you have
to go to the security desk

960
00:42:10,446 --> 00:42:11,280
and get a pass.

961
00:42:11,363 --> 00:42:12,781
All right.
Where is the security desk?

962
00:42:13,032 --> 00:42:14,658
It's downstairs,

963
00:42:15,117 --> 00:42:17,494
exactly where you walked in
at the security desk.

964
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:21,040
The security desk is
at the security desk. Got it.

965
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:24,043
Can I get you something?

966
00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:27,546
Water? Juice? Coffee?

967
00:42:30,883 --> 00:42:32,509
May I speak with you
for a second?

968
00:42:34,470 --> 00:42:35,512
I'll be right back.

969
00:42:37,723 --> 00:42:39,642
There's a massive infection
in her lungs,

970
00:42:39,725 --> 00:42:41,227
and all her vitals
are elevated.

971
00:42:41,477 --> 00:42:42,937
Does she have HIV?

972
00:42:43,604 --> 00:42:45,105
What? No. I mean, she...

973
00:42:45,189 --> 00:42:47,399
- Are you her husband?
- No.

974
00:42:47,566 --> 00:42:49,026
Oh, we need to intubate her
immediately.

975
00:42:49,109 --> 00:42:50,527
I need a family member
to sign this.

976
00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:53,072
So I'm gonna ask you again,
are you her husband?

977
00:42:53,155 --> 00:42:54,698
What does,
uh, "intubate" mean?

978
00:42:54,949 --> 00:42:56,617
We have to put her
on a respirator, and to do that,

979
00:42:56,700 --> 00:42:58,744
we need to put her
in a medically-induced coma.

980
00:43:00,454 --> 00:43:01,914
- Coma?
- Yes.

981
00:43:01,997 --> 00:43:04,208
To stabilize her so we can
work on the infection.

982
00:43:04,291 --> 00:43:06,126
And it needs to happen
right now.

983
00:43:06,210 --> 00:43:08,796
So, I'm gonna ask you
one last time,

984
00:43:09,129 --> 00:43:11,006
are you her husband?

985
00:43:18,597 --> 00:43:19,932
What's going on?

986
00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:22,518
- What's going on?
- You're gonna be okay.

987
00:43:22,601 --> 00:43:24,186
- Just relax and...
- Where are you taking me?

988
00:43:36,282 --> 00:43:37,825
You should call her family.

989
00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,309
Sorry.

990
00:44:22,703 --> 00:44:24,329
Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,

991
00:44:24,413 --> 00:44:26,165
this is Kumail,
Emily's friend.

992
00:44:26,248 --> 00:44:28,167
Uh, sorry to call you so late.

993
00:44:28,333 --> 00:44:30,210
Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.

994
00:44:30,294 --> 00:44:32,463
Just want to get that
taken care of. She's fine.

995
00:44:32,588 --> 00:44:36,008
Um, she is at City View
Hospital in Chicago

996
00:44:36,717 --> 00:44:37,843
in a medically-induced coma,

997
00:44:37,926 --> 00:44:39,386
but the doctors say
that all...

998
00:44:41,138 --> 00:44:42,681
Yes, I did say "coma."

999
00:45:31,355 --> 00:45:33,565
Hey. I'm Kumail.

1000
00:45:37,027 --> 00:45:38,362
We know who you are, Kumail.

1001
00:45:38,779 --> 00:45:40,113
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

1002
00:45:40,197 --> 00:45:41,907
the doctors would like
to see you now.

1003
00:45:43,158 --> 00:45:44,576
I'll be right back.

1004
00:45:55,712 --> 00:45:57,840
Uh, listen, the doctor
will be here any minute.

1005
00:45:57,923 --> 00:45:59,466
She's just running
a little late.

1006
00:46:00,759 --> 00:46:03,220
Don't read anything into this
being the bereavement room.

1007
00:46:03,554 --> 00:46:05,180
It's the only room
we had available.

1008
00:46:05,389 --> 00:46:07,683
- Okay. Thank you. Okay.
- Okay.

1009
00:46:18,777 --> 00:46:20,654
- Terry, Terry, I-- I--
- It's--

1010
00:46:20,737 --> 00:46:22,739
- It's driving me insane.
- Yes, I know, I know,

1011
00:46:22,823 --> 00:46:23,782
but it makes me feel better.

1012
00:46:25,117 --> 00:46:26,243
I just...

1013
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:29,872
Hello. No. Please sit.
Please sit.

1014
00:46:30,163 --> 00:46:32,958
I'm Dr. Cunningham,
Emily's attending.

1015
00:46:33,500 --> 00:46:35,210
I'll be coordinating
all the doctors

1016
00:46:35,294 --> 00:46:37,337
and orchestrating
her treatment strategy.

1017
00:46:37,629 --> 00:46:39,172
All the doctors?
How many are there?

1018
00:46:39,256 --> 00:46:40,549
- Five.
- Five?

1019
00:46:40,883 --> 00:46:42,718
Why so many? I mean, is that--
is that normal?

1020
00:46:42,801 --> 00:46:45,137
Yes. It's standard
for patients in the ICU.

1021
00:46:45,554 --> 00:46:46,972
We come at it
from many angles, we confer...

1022
00:46:47,055 --> 00:46:47,890
<i>After assessing her,</i>

1023
00:46:47,973 --> 00:46:50,225
we immediately initiated
orotracheal intubation.

1024
00:46:50,309 --> 00:46:52,185
Thankfully, it hasn't affected
her heart at this point.

1025
00:46:52,269 --> 00:46:54,271
We don't know the exact
nature of the infection yet,

1026
00:46:54,605 --> 00:46:56,523
but we got her on a broad
spectrum of antibiotics.

1027
00:46:56,607 --> 00:46:57,774
...battling critical infection

1028
00:46:57,858 --> 00:46:59,234
centering around
the costodiaphragmatic recess.

1029
00:46:59,318 --> 00:47:01,361
Our theory
is methicillin-resistant

1030
00:47:01,445 --> 00:47:02,404
staphylococcus aureus.

1031
00:47:02,487 --> 00:47:03,697
Staphyl...
Hold on. That's a "P"?

1032
00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:04,615
Yeah.

1033
00:47:04,698 --> 00:47:05,574
That's an "F" or a "P-H"?

1034
00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:07,200
P-H. No.
It's staphylococcus...

1035
00:47:17,711 --> 00:47:19,671
That was very reassuring,
wasn't it?

1036
00:47:22,049 --> 00:47:25,260
Apparently, there are good
and bad comas,

1037
00:47:25,344 --> 00:47:28,013
and the kind
that they put her in,

1038
00:47:28,096 --> 00:47:29,932
the medically-induced coma,
are definitely, like,

1039
00:47:30,015 --> 00:47:31,725
the good kind of coma.

1040
00:47:37,105 --> 00:47:40,275
Like... You know how
there are good and bad carbs?

1041
00:47:46,615 --> 00:47:48,784
Gremlins.
Those can be good or bad.

1042
00:47:48,867 --> 00:47:50,535
Listen, Kumail... Uh...

1043
00:47:51,954 --> 00:47:54,414
We're gonna handle things
from here, okay?

1044
00:47:54,498 --> 00:47:55,707
You've been very helpful.

1045
00:47:56,249 --> 00:47:59,127
Thank you for...
For signing the thing, and...

1046
00:47:59,211 --> 00:48:00,420
Yeah, my pleasure.

1047
00:48:00,504 --> 00:48:02,047
But, uh, you can go now.

1048
00:48:03,173 --> 00:48:05,050
- Okay. Um...
- All right?

1049
00:48:05,300 --> 00:48:06,218
All right.

1050
00:48:09,054 --> 00:48:10,514
Peace in the Mideast.

1051
00:48:17,479 --> 00:48:18,355
What about this?

1052
00:48:18,522 --> 00:48:20,399
I saw a sniffer dog
at the airport.

1053
00:48:20,649 --> 00:48:21,775
He had a boner.

1054
00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:23,735
Does that mean drugs or bombs?

1055
00:48:24,611 --> 00:48:25,612
That's good. What if...

1056
00:48:25,696 --> 00:48:27,406
What if instead of it
being at the airport,

1057
00:48:27,781 --> 00:48:30,534
you quit comedy and never
do comedy ever again?

1058
00:48:30,617 --> 00:48:31,451
Yeah.

1059
00:48:31,535 --> 00:48:32,828
Fuck you!
It's a good bit.

1060
00:48:32,911 --> 00:48:33,745
That's a funny bit.

1061
00:48:33,829 --> 00:48:35,372
Just for the sake of the public
that they wouldn't have

1062
00:48:35,455 --> 00:48:37,249
to look at your face
or hear your words. That's...

1063
00:48:37,332 --> 00:48:39,126
Hey, it's okay
that I'm not there, right?

1064
00:48:40,377 --> 00:48:43,171
Like... I don't need
to be there, right?

1065
00:48:43,588 --> 00:48:44,798
What's up? What happened?

1066
00:48:45,173 --> 00:48:46,758
He put his girlfriend
in a coma.

1067
00:48:46,842 --> 00:48:48,010
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1068
00:48:48,218 --> 00:48:50,095
- You know, the way you do.
- She's not my girlfriend.

1069
00:48:50,178 --> 00:48:51,346
He didn't, but he signed

1070
00:48:51,430 --> 00:48:53,849
a paper that allowed doctors
to put...

1071
00:48:54,224 --> 00:48:55,183
He suggested it.

1072
00:48:55,517 --> 00:48:56,560
She's gonna be fine.

1073
00:48:56,643 --> 00:48:58,729
She's gonna be fine. They said
she's gonna be fine, so...

1074
00:48:58,812 --> 00:49:00,981
They're gonna be fine.
Doctors know medical stuff.

1075
00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:01,982
Mmm-hmm.

1076
00:49:02,065 --> 00:49:03,900
That's what doctors do.
They're good at medical stuff.

1077
00:49:03,984 --> 00:49:05,902
This is a medically-induced
coma.

1078
00:49:05,986 --> 00:49:07,446
This is their specialty.

1079
00:49:07,529 --> 00:49:08,405
Maybe.

1080
00:49:08,488 --> 00:49:09,740
You know,
it might be a good thing.

1081
00:49:09,823 --> 00:49:11,366
Like, she might wake up
with a new skill.

1082
00:49:11,450 --> 00:49:13,368
Like, my cousin, uh,
blacked out once, and then,

1083
00:49:13,452 --> 00:49:15,704
when he came to, he thought
he knew a different language.

1084
00:49:16,121 --> 00:49:17,831
- Did he?
- No. Apparently, it was...

1085
00:49:17,914 --> 00:49:19,624
It was just gibberish
that he made up.

1086
00:49:19,708 --> 00:49:20,917
It was brain damage.

1087
00:49:24,337 --> 00:49:25,797
I got
another Taco Bell one.

1088
00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:43,774
Did you forget somethin'?

1089
00:49:44,858 --> 00:49:46,818
- Is she up yet?
- No, she's not.

1090
00:49:46,902 --> 00:49:48,862
And, uh, they won't
tell us anything.

1091
00:49:49,738 --> 00:49:51,323
We've been here all morning.

1092
00:49:52,282 --> 00:49:54,618
I know you guys said
that you don't need me to stay,

1093
00:49:54,701 --> 00:49:56,787
but I think I'm just
gonna wait anyway.

1094
00:49:56,870 --> 00:49:57,954
You guys broke up.

1095
00:49:58,038 --> 00:50:00,874
I'm not sure why you're here.

1096
00:50:03,543 --> 00:50:05,128
You don't have to worry

1097
00:50:05,212 --> 00:50:06,797
about being committed
to anything, Kumail.

1098
00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:08,465
You didn't want to
when she was awake.

1099
00:50:08,548 --> 00:50:10,842
There's no need to do it
when she's unconscious.

1100
00:50:11,301 --> 00:50:13,011
It's more complicated
than that.

1101
00:50:13,095 --> 00:50:15,680
Is it? 'Cause I know
about the two-day rule.

1102
00:50:16,389 --> 00:50:18,517
I know about the head shots
and the secrets.

1103
00:50:19,142 --> 00:50:20,477
She tells us everything.

1104
00:50:20,811 --> 00:50:23,730
You really don't
have to stay, Kumail.

1105
00:50:23,814 --> 00:50:26,316
You have already done
a lot.

1106
00:50:28,235 --> 00:50:30,028
I'm just gonna stay
for a second.

1107
00:50:32,572 --> 00:50:34,616
Is this seat-- Okay.

1108
00:50:51,258 --> 00:50:53,760
Is... Is that lady
still looking at me?

1109
00:50:59,432 --> 00:51:00,600
Oh. Hey.

1110
00:51:06,773 --> 00:51:09,067
<i>Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.</i>

1111
00:51:09,776 --> 00:51:11,736
<i>Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.</i>

1112
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:13,280
Yeah.

1113
00:51:13,363 --> 00:51:15,740
Yeah, come on.
There's no reason, uh...

1114
00:51:16,741 --> 00:51:18,910
Should eat there by yourself,
right, hon?

1115
00:51:19,286 --> 00:51:20,537
It's a free country.

1116
00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:28,086
How's your sandwich?

1117
00:51:28,753 --> 00:51:30,463
Best fuckin' sandwich
I ever had.

1118
00:51:33,383 --> 00:51:34,676
Mine's good.

1119
00:51:35,969 --> 00:51:38,096
Tuna's always a gamble, but,

1120
00:51:38,722 --> 00:51:39,931
you know,
we're not by the water.

1121
00:51:40,015 --> 00:51:42,642
Well, we are by the water.
But it's a lake.

1122
00:51:43,894 --> 00:51:45,520
There's no tuna in the lake.

1123
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:49,858
Whatever.
I-- I threw the dice.

1124
00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:54,196
I got the sevens, I guess.

1125
00:51:54,362 --> 00:51:56,364
Whatever-- Whatever
the good dice number is.

1126
00:51:56,990 --> 00:51:58,158
So, uh...

1127
00:51:59,367 --> 00:52:00,577
9/11.

1128
00:52:03,663 --> 00:52:04,789
No, I mean...

1129
00:52:05,248 --> 00:52:07,626
I've always wanted
to have a conversation with...

1130
00:52:08,168 --> 00:52:09,085
About it.

1131
00:52:09,294 --> 00:52:13,256
With... people.

1132
00:52:14,090 --> 00:52:16,468
You've never talked
to people about 9/11?

1133
00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:19,429
No, what's your...
What's your stance?

1134
00:52:20,722 --> 00:52:22,724
What's my stance on 9/11?

1135
00:52:23,516 --> 00:52:24,976
Oh, um...

1136
00:52:26,686 --> 00:52:27,520
Anti.

1137
00:52:28,271 --> 00:52:29,564
It was a tragedy.

1138
00:52:30,774 --> 00:52:33,026
I mean,
we lost 19 of our best guys.

1139
00:52:33,318 --> 00:52:34,444
Huh?

1140
00:52:36,655 --> 00:52:38,365
That was a joke.
Obviously.

1141
00:52:39,074 --> 00:52:41,076
9/11 was a terrible tragedy,

1142
00:52:41,785 --> 00:52:44,412
and it's not funny
to joke about it.

1143
00:52:44,496 --> 00:52:46,873
<i>Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,</i>

1144
00:52:46,957 --> 00:52:48,708
<i>please report to the ICU.</i>

1145
00:52:49,417 --> 00:52:50,835
<i>Mr. and Mrs. Gardner...</i>

1146
00:52:50,919 --> 00:52:52,879
- All right. Come on.
<i>- To the ICU. Thank you.</i>

1147
00:52:52,963 --> 00:52:54,089
Hey, can I come?

1148
00:52:54,172 --> 00:52:55,382
- No.
- Yeah.

1149
00:52:56,341 --> 00:52:57,467
Yeah.

1150
00:52:58,343 --> 00:52:59,552
Whatever.

1151
00:53:00,553 --> 00:53:01,888
Hello, come in.

1152
00:53:02,097 --> 00:53:03,515
Please, have a seat.

1153
00:53:09,604 --> 00:53:11,481
I know this isn't the news
you were hoping for,

1154
00:53:11,815 --> 00:53:14,025
but we aren't ready to bring
Emily out of the coma yet.

1155
00:53:14,109 --> 00:53:14,943
Oh.

1156
00:53:15,443 --> 00:53:17,279
Why? Uh, what happened?

1157
00:53:17,362 --> 00:53:19,447
The antibiotics aren't doing
what we'd hoped they would,

1158
00:53:19,531 --> 00:53:20,865
and we don't want
to mess around,

1159
00:53:21,032 --> 00:53:23,076
so tomorrow morning,
we're gonna perform surgery

1160
00:53:23,159 --> 00:53:24,160
to remove the infection.

1161
00:53:24,244 --> 00:53:26,162
Oh, wait one second.

1162
00:53:26,246 --> 00:53:29,040
Dr. Spellman told us that
the antibiotics would work.

1163
00:53:29,124 --> 00:53:29,958
Yeah.

1164
00:53:30,041 --> 00:53:31,918
I mean, he didn't say
anything at all about surgery.

1165
00:53:32,002 --> 00:53:34,045
So what does that mean?
Surgery? What kind of surgery?

1166
00:53:34,129 --> 00:53:36,589
It's called thoracentesis.
It's a very common procedure.

1167
00:53:36,673 --> 00:53:40,010
We're gonna go in between the
ribs and remove the infection.

1168
00:53:40,093 --> 00:53:41,928
How do you spell that,
please? And what is it?

1169
00:53:42,012 --> 00:53:43,179
What's the name?
What's the last part?

1170
00:53:43,263 --> 00:53:44,556
- Thora...
- And the infection is-- is--

1171
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:45,640
- On the lung.
- "Thora" what? "Thora" what?

1172
00:53:45,724 --> 00:53:46,599
- And we're going to remove it.
- What is it?

1173
00:53:46,683 --> 00:53:49,102
Thoracentesis.
C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.

1174
00:53:49,185 --> 00:53:50,937
- And what's the risk?
- It's a common thing

1175
00:53:51,021 --> 00:53:52,230
- that they do?
- Low. Yes.

1176
00:53:52,522 --> 00:53:53,606
My advice to you

1177
00:53:54,274 --> 00:53:56,985
is that you go home,
you get something to eat,

1178
00:53:57,610 --> 00:53:59,029
and try to relax.

1179
00:54:26,431 --> 00:54:28,058
She left the lights on, huh?

1180
00:54:29,893 --> 00:54:31,603
My favorite sweater.

1181
00:54:37,108 --> 00:54:39,486
- I'm gonna do some research.
- Oh, hey.

1182
00:54:39,569 --> 00:54:41,071
That's the book I gave her.

1183
00:54:41,696 --> 00:54:42,947
No, I gave her that one.

1184
00:54:43,031 --> 00:54:45,742
Hey, do you have that little
notebook from the doctor's?

1185
00:54:47,410 --> 00:54:48,828
- This is the book I gave her.
- Uh...

1186
00:54:48,912 --> 00:54:50,789
I'm just gonna clean up
Emily's room real quick.

1187
00:54:50,872 --> 00:54:52,082
No, I-- I remember.

1188
00:54:52,165 --> 00:54:53,875
I met her
at the Falafel place,

1189
00:54:53,958 --> 00:54:55,543
and then we went
to that bookstore

1190
00:54:55,627 --> 00:54:57,712
that's hardly ever open,
and I bought it for her.

1191
00:54:57,796 --> 00:54:59,547
You're not the only one
who gives her things.

1192
00:54:59,923 --> 00:55:00,924
What's up with you?

1193
00:55:01,007 --> 00:55:02,300
I'm just tired
of you thinking

1194
00:55:02,384 --> 00:55:03,551
you're the only one
who gives her things.

1195
00:55:03,635 --> 00:55:04,719
I gave her that book.

1196
00:55:05,136 --> 00:55:08,473
- Look at the inscription.
- No. No, that's stupid.

1197
00:55:39,879 --> 00:55:41,214
- Hey, uh, Kumail.
- Hey.

1198
00:55:42,090 --> 00:55:43,675
Oh. Hey. Sorry.

1199
00:55:43,842 --> 00:55:45,093
Didn't mean to surprise you.

1200
00:55:45,802 --> 00:55:47,554
I was just wondering,
are we gonna do anything?

1201
00:55:47,637 --> 00:55:49,889
- You got any parlor games?
- I-- I don't--

1202
00:55:49,973 --> 00:55:51,182
What are parlor games?

1203
00:55:51,516 --> 00:55:53,435
Card games.
Word games.

1204
00:55:53,726 --> 00:55:54,811
Play any word games?

1205
00:55:54,894 --> 00:55:56,938
- Um, no, I've never...
- You ever play...

1206
00:55:57,730 --> 00:56:00,191
- You Can't Rhyme It?
- How does that go?

1207
00:56:00,567 --> 00:56:02,235
It's... Eh, basically,
you know,

1208
00:56:02,402 --> 00:56:04,446
you try to find out a word,
a real word,

1209
00:56:04,529 --> 00:56:06,364
- that nobody can rhyme.
- Okay.

1210
00:56:06,698 --> 00:56:07,782
- And then...
- Stonehenge.

1211
00:56:09,993 --> 00:56:11,286
Yeah, see, you would win.

1212
00:56:11,369 --> 00:56:12,829
- Ah. Hmm.
- Yeah. That'd be a winner.

1213
00:56:13,913 --> 00:56:15,915
I don't play board games.
I play, like...

1214
00:56:16,624 --> 00:56:18,126
- I play video games.
- That's the thing.

1215
00:56:18,209 --> 00:56:20,003
Everybody now needs, like,
you know, a Nintendo.

1216
00:56:20,086 --> 00:56:22,630
A game thing. The thing.
Electronics. $1,000.

1217
00:56:22,922 --> 00:56:25,216
When I was a kid,
piece of chalk and a pavement,

1218
00:56:25,300 --> 00:56:26,676
and that's your entertainment.

1219
00:56:26,801 --> 00:56:28,678
Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.

1220
00:56:28,970 --> 00:56:30,388
Throw the chalk at Jimmy.

1221
00:56:30,847 --> 00:56:32,390
There you go.
Three games right there.

1222
00:56:32,474 --> 00:56:33,600
Jimmy was a real guy?

1223
00:56:33,683 --> 00:56:35,977
Yeah, well, I mean,
there was no particular Jimmy.

1224
00:56:36,060 --> 00:56:37,395
You know, whoever got hit
with the chalk,

1225
00:56:37,479 --> 00:56:39,230
he was the Jimmy.

1226
00:56:39,314 --> 00:56:40,190
Uh...

1227
00:56:40,607 --> 00:56:43,193
I'm just trying to figure out,
you know, what to do.

1228
00:56:43,276 --> 00:56:45,320
Yeah. I...
Tonight's no good for me.

1229
00:56:45,403 --> 00:56:46,696
I'd love to, but, um...

1230
00:56:47,238 --> 00:56:50,950
I'm actually, uh...
I'm actually gigging tonight,

1231
00:56:51,034 --> 00:56:52,827
which is, like,
an industry word we use

1232
00:56:52,911 --> 00:56:55,163
for when we do,
like, shows and stuff, so...

1233
00:56:55,246 --> 00:56:56,831
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1234
00:56:56,915 --> 00:56:59,459
There's a big Montreal Comedy
Festival audition coming up,

1235
00:56:59,542 --> 00:57:02,629
and, um... I'm actually
headlining tonight, so, yeah.

1236
00:57:02,921 --> 00:57:03,963
Oh, wow. Hey.

1237
00:57:04,047 --> 00:57:05,590
I should... I should...
Run on out.

1238
00:57:05,673 --> 00:57:07,300
Wow, that's cool. I haven't
been to a comedy club since...

1239
00:57:07,383 --> 00:57:09,719
Oh, boy.
Since the '80s, right?

1240
00:57:09,802 --> 00:57:11,513
Rita Rudner
over at Caroline's.

1241
00:57:11,596 --> 00:57:13,515
- Remember that, hon?
- Christ. I...

1242
00:57:13,598 --> 00:57:16,935
A pleural effusion
of the empyema.

1243
00:57:17,101 --> 00:57:18,561
Maybe we should go, huh?

1244
00:57:18,645 --> 00:57:20,230
Maybe we should go to Kumail's
show. What do you think?

1245
00:57:20,313 --> 00:57:21,814
- Wouldn't that be fun?
- Oh, my God!

1246
00:57:22,232 --> 00:57:25,151
- These... pictures are horrible.
- Okay, listen.

1247
00:57:25,235 --> 00:57:26,736
Why don't we go
to the comedy club with him?

1248
00:57:26,819 --> 00:57:28,905
And this... It'll take our
mind off of things right now.

1249
00:57:28,988 --> 00:57:31,032
I don't want
to take my mind off it, Terry.

1250
00:57:31,282 --> 00:57:32,951
Our daughter's having
surgery tomorrow.

1251
00:57:33,034 --> 00:57:33,993
Please.

1252
00:57:34,077 --> 00:57:35,662
- That's a fair point.
- Please, please listen.

1253
00:57:36,287 --> 00:57:37,539
I need the distraction.

1254
00:57:38,039 --> 00:57:39,624
- Well, then why don't you go?
- No.

1255
00:57:39,707 --> 00:57:40,959
I want you to come with me.

1256
00:57:41,167 --> 00:57:42,168
I don't want to go alone.

1257
00:57:43,878 --> 00:57:46,923
Okay.
But I'm bringing my iPad.

1258
00:57:47,006 --> 00:57:48,258
Ah, it's sold out.

1259
00:57:48,716 --> 00:57:50,176
I should have said it

1260
00:57:50,260 --> 00:57:52,804
before you guys
had the whole discussion.

1261
00:57:53,096 --> 00:57:54,430
It sold out, like,
super quickly.

1262
00:57:54,514 --> 00:57:56,224
They were shocked
at how quickly it sold out.

1263
00:57:56,307 --> 00:57:58,685
- Like...
- Well, you can get us in.

1264
00:57:59,477 --> 00:58:01,271
You're the headliner, right?
That's what you said.

1265
00:58:01,354 --> 00:58:02,355
I mean,
if you're the headliner,

1266
00:58:02,438 --> 00:58:03,314
you can get two more in,
right?

1267
00:58:03,398 --> 00:58:05,149
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.

1268
00:58:05,900 --> 00:58:07,986
We'll sit in the back, right?
We'll sit in the back.

1269
00:58:08,111 --> 00:58:09,279
They got food there?

1270
00:58:09,612 --> 00:58:12,156
Yeah, they've got
waffle fries and, um...

1271
00:58:12,574 --> 00:58:13,658
Yeah.

1272
00:58:16,119 --> 00:58:17,537
The hospital
had the waffle fries, too.

1273
00:58:17,620 --> 00:58:18,580
Right.

1274
00:58:20,498 --> 00:58:22,875
I... I actually have
never been to Pakistan.

1275
00:58:22,959 --> 00:58:24,377
My parents moved here
for grad school,

1276
00:58:24,460 --> 00:58:26,004
and then they just
stayed here.

1277
00:58:26,462 --> 00:58:27,797
I've never even
been to Canada.

1278
00:58:30,592 --> 00:58:33,511
So, um, when is Kumail coming?

1279
00:58:33,595 --> 00:58:35,388
He's coming.
Right, NAVEED?

1280
00:58:35,638 --> 00:58:37,056
- Ah. Huh.
- Traffic.

1281
00:58:37,140 --> 00:58:39,601
I heard there's, uh,
bumper-to-bumper traffic

1282
00:58:39,684 --> 00:58:41,060
on the Dan Ryan Expressway.

1283
00:58:41,144 --> 00:58:42,770
- That's weird, because...
- You know, rush hour.

1284
00:58:42,854 --> 00:58:45,148
I took the Dan Ryan
Expressway here.

1285
00:58:48,234 --> 00:58:50,653
What is your dad's sister's

1286
00:58:50,945 --> 00:58:53,990
favorite kind of music
to dance to?

1287
00:58:54,324 --> 00:58:56,409
- Emily's parents are here.
- Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.

1288
00:58:56,492 --> 00:58:58,202
- Tonight? Why?
- Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."

1289
00:58:58,286 --> 00:58:59,495
It's "aunts." It's "aunts."

1290
00:58:59,579 --> 00:59:00,913
All right, forget it.
All right.

1291
00:59:01,956 --> 00:59:03,207
Uh, is anybody here
from out of town?

1292
00:59:04,834 --> 00:59:06,127
All right, a few, a few.

1293
00:59:06,252 --> 00:59:07,712
What's your name, sir?

1294
00:59:08,129 --> 00:59:09,130
Uh, Terry.

1295
00:59:09,297 --> 00:59:11,382
Terry. And, uh, who's this
lovely lady next to you?

1296
00:59:11,466 --> 00:59:13,009
Oh, my God.
That's Emily's dad.

1297
00:59:13,092 --> 00:59:14,802
Is that cloth?
Little terry cloth?

1298
00:59:14,886 --> 00:59:16,846
It's Beth.

1299
00:59:16,929 --> 00:59:18,765
Beth. That's pretty close.

1300
00:59:18,848 --> 00:59:20,058
Why would he do this?

1301
00:59:20,141 --> 00:59:21,476
Terry, Beth,
where you guys from?

1302
00:59:21,559 --> 00:59:24,395
- We're from North Carolina.
- Ooh.

1303
00:59:24,479 --> 00:59:27,065
North Carolina.
Tar Heel state.

1304
00:59:27,148 --> 00:59:28,316
- Stop. Stop it.
- Oh.

1305
00:59:28,399 --> 00:59:30,485
Home of Krispy Kreme donuts.
What brings you to Chicago?

1306
00:59:31,694 --> 00:59:32,945
Our daughter's in a coma.

1307
00:59:39,869 --> 00:59:42,205
Yeah, uh, how... What, uh...
Where are you from?

1308
00:59:44,457 --> 00:59:45,875
Okay, it's getting late.

1309
00:59:45,958 --> 00:59:47,293
- I should go.
- No, no, no.

1310
00:59:47,377 --> 00:59:48,795
<i>- Betho, betho.</i> He will be here.
- Hold on, hold on.

1311
00:59:48,878 --> 00:59:50,672
I think I should call him up.
I'll just call him up.

1312
00:59:51,005 --> 00:59:52,298
Hello? <i>Kum-beta?</i>

1313
00:59:52,924 --> 00:59:54,175
What do you mean,
who's calling?

1314
00:59:54,258 --> 00:59:55,385
This is your father.

1315
00:59:56,010 --> 00:59:57,178
Okay, okay, okay.

1316
00:59:57,845 --> 00:59:58,971
He will be here any moment.

1317
01:00:04,477 --> 01:00:07,105
I... I think I should
make something clear. Um...

1318
01:00:37,343 --> 01:00:39,804
I want to name my kid Void,

1319
01:00:40,138 --> 01:00:42,724
so he won't be able to cash
any of his paychecks.

1320
01:00:44,308 --> 01:00:46,644
"I'm sorry, sir,
this says 'Void' on it."

1321
01:00:47,061 --> 01:00:49,021
"But that's my name.

1322
01:00:49,647 --> 01:00:51,983
"Curse you, Father!"

1323
01:00:53,151 --> 01:00:55,069
I work on the second floor
of the bank

1324
01:00:56,529 --> 01:00:59,699
- in this fantasy scenario.
- Go back to ISIS.

1325
01:00:59,949 --> 01:01:01,993
Did he just say that?

1326
01:01:02,827 --> 01:01:04,412
Toast is
a really strange food.

1327
01:01:04,495 --> 01:01:05,580
What-- What did you just say?

1328
01:01:05,663 --> 01:01:06,706
You put bread,
and you make it...

1329
01:01:06,789 --> 01:01:07,832
It was nothing.
Come on.

1330
01:01:08,207 --> 01:01:10,334
I said he should
go back to ISIS.

1331
01:01:12,503 --> 01:01:14,046
- Toast is the only food...
- No, I mean,

1332
01:01:14,130 --> 01:01:16,048
that is a really confusing
position.

1333
01:01:16,132 --> 01:01:18,009
I mean, do you want
ISIS to have more people?

1334
01:01:18,217 --> 01:01:19,594
No, I was saying that...

1335
01:01:19,677 --> 01:01:21,637
Guess what, everybody?
We got an ISIS recruiter here.

1336
01:01:22,930 --> 01:01:24,682
All right, glad we got
to the bottom of that.

1337
01:01:25,016 --> 01:01:26,058
Toast is like a...

1338
01:01:26,142 --> 01:01:27,560
What is it about him
that made you say that?

1339
01:01:27,727 --> 01:01:29,687
I think we know what
the answer is. I don't...

1340
01:01:29,771 --> 01:01:30,772
Lady, I wasn't talking to you.

1341
01:01:30,855 --> 01:01:31,939
What is it about him?

1342
01:01:32,023 --> 01:01:32,857
We don't have to
go down this path.

1343
01:01:32,940 --> 01:01:33,775
We know
what's at the end of it...

1344
01:01:33,858 --> 01:01:35,109
'Cause of how he looks.

1345
01:01:35,568 --> 01:01:37,403
There it is.

1346
01:01:37,779 --> 01:01:38,946
That is like saying

1347
01:01:39,030 --> 01:01:41,783
that all frat boys
wearing country club hats

1348
01:01:41,866 --> 01:01:43,201
and Hawaiian shirts

1349
01:01:43,284 --> 01:01:44,660
have shriveled-up,
tiny, little dicks.

1350
01:01:45,953 --> 01:01:47,413
Okay, actually...
Actually, Beth,

1351
01:01:47,497 --> 01:01:49,665
this is a bad way for you
to find out, but he's right.

1352
01:01:49,832 --> 01:01:51,501
I actually am a terrorist.

1353
01:01:52,210 --> 01:01:54,086
I just do stand-up comedy
on the side

1354
01:01:54,170 --> 01:01:55,463
to keep a low profile.

1355
01:01:55,546 --> 01:01:57,965
Fuck you.

1356
01:01:58,424 --> 01:01:59,884
First of all, very clever.

1357
01:02:00,134 --> 01:02:03,387
What? Did you...
Did you write that at home?

1358
01:02:06,015 --> 01:02:06,974
Toast...

1359
01:02:07,099 --> 01:02:08,017
- is a very strange...
- Fuck you!

1360
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:09,644
- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you.

1361
01:02:09,727 --> 01:02:10,686
You're a bitch, you know that?

1362
01:02:10,812 --> 01:02:12,605
Fuck you!

1363
01:02:14,524 --> 01:02:16,067
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1364
01:02:16,150 --> 01:02:18,361
Hey, no. No, no, no, no.
No. Listen.

1365
01:02:18,611 --> 01:02:20,154
Fucking kill you!

1366
01:02:20,404 --> 01:02:22,448
What's your
fucking phone number?

1367
01:02:25,201 --> 01:02:26,369
Sorry, everybody.

1368
01:02:26,619 --> 01:02:28,454
I'm sorry.

1369
01:02:28,704 --> 01:02:32,083
I-- I'm not sorry, actually,

1370
01:02:32,166 --> 01:02:34,418
'cause you're
a terrible person.

1371
01:02:35,628 --> 01:02:37,922
I don't want to kick your ass
here in front of everybody.

1372
01:02:38,214 --> 01:02:39,799
Yeah, that's right.

1373
01:02:40,216 --> 01:02:42,009
I got levels, motherfucker.
Okay?

1374
01:02:42,343 --> 01:02:44,554
This elevator goes
all the way fucking down,

1375
01:02:44,637 --> 01:02:45,847
you fucking prick!

1376
01:02:56,691 --> 01:02:58,025
I think I'll make tea.

1377
01:03:00,570 --> 01:03:02,196
Actually, I'll open
a bottle of wine.

1378
01:03:03,447 --> 01:03:05,825
Actually, um,
does Emily have whiskey?

1379
01:03:06,284 --> 01:03:07,493
On top of the fridge.

1380
01:03:09,036 --> 01:03:11,414
So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?

1381
01:03:12,665 --> 01:03:14,750
I don't know anything
about baseball.

1382
01:03:14,959 --> 01:03:16,085
No? Hmm.

1383
01:03:16,627 --> 01:03:18,170
I'm so sorry about that.

1384
01:03:19,213 --> 01:03:20,506
That was...

1385
01:03:22,675 --> 01:03:24,218
I just sort of lost control.

1386
01:03:24,802 --> 01:03:26,596
- I thought it was sexy.
- Me, too.

1387
01:03:28,264 --> 01:03:29,765
Not like sexy,

1388
01:03:29,891 --> 01:03:34,186
but like cool sexy,
not like aroused sexy.

1389
01:03:35,730 --> 01:03:37,315
I'm gonna not say
"sexy" anymore.

1390
01:03:37,732 --> 01:03:39,358
Hey, you guys want
to get something to eat?

1391
01:03:41,235 --> 01:03:42,361
I know
you guys got a formula.

1392
01:03:42,445 --> 01:03:43,321
You know, I've been
to a couple shows now.

1393
01:03:43,404 --> 01:03:44,488
So is it always like that?

1394
01:03:44,739 --> 01:03:46,657
- Oh, like tonight?
- Yeah.

1395
01:03:46,741 --> 01:03:49,285
No, usually a different mom
comes in to help me.

1396
01:03:50,536 --> 01:03:52,079
I'm joking. No, it's...

1397
01:03:52,163 --> 01:03:54,206
It's not always like that.
I'd quit if it was.

1398
01:03:54,290 --> 01:03:56,417
- Here's a joke. No.
- No. Terry, don't.

1399
01:03:56,751 --> 01:03:58,753
Terry's about as funny
as a fart at a funeral.

1400
01:04:00,630 --> 01:04:02,089
No. This is funny.
This is a funny one.

1401
01:04:02,173 --> 01:04:03,341
- Okay.
- All right.

1402
01:04:04,050 --> 01:04:06,052
A giraffe walks into a bar,

1403
01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:10,640
and he says to the bartender,
"Highballs on me."

1404
01:04:13,434 --> 01:04:14,477
You get it, right?

1405
01:04:14,852 --> 01:04:16,312
Oh, that was
the end of the joke?

1406
01:04:16,395 --> 01:04:17,480
Yeah, of course it was.

1407
01:04:17,563 --> 01:04:18,522
- That was the whole joke?
- That's the joke.

1408
01:04:18,606 --> 01:04:19,899
That's the beauty of it. Boom.

1409
01:04:19,982 --> 01:04:21,776
- I thought there was more.
- But you get it?

1410
01:04:21,901 --> 01:04:23,736
He's giraffe, he's tall,

1411
01:04:24,528 --> 01:04:28,908
so it would stand to reason,
his testicles are high.

1412
01:04:28,991 --> 01:04:31,243
- Yeah.
- And a highball is a drink.

1413
01:04:31,994 --> 01:04:34,538
And you ruined it by saying
I wasn't funny first.

1414
01:04:34,622 --> 01:04:36,332
- That's what it was.
- No. No.

1415
01:04:36,415 --> 01:04:37,875
No, it's good.
I like my jokes,

1416
01:04:37,959 --> 01:04:39,251
like, thoroughly explained.

1417
01:04:39,335 --> 01:04:41,087
You're just busting...
You're bustin' my highballs.

1418
01:04:41,170 --> 01:04:42,171
Yeah.

1419
01:04:44,131 --> 01:04:46,550
Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

1420
01:04:46,634 --> 01:04:48,427
Complex finish,
flamboyant mouth-feel.

1421
01:04:49,136 --> 01:04:50,262
Good. How about you?

1422
01:04:50,346 --> 01:04:51,639
- My turn?
- Yeah.

1423
01:04:54,100 --> 01:04:55,142
Mmm-hmm.

1424
01:04:55,518 --> 01:04:56,519
Fruit-forward.

1425
01:04:56,602 --> 01:04:58,604
Good term, absolutely.
Fruit-forward.

1426
01:04:58,688 --> 01:04:59,730
- Yeah. No.
- I'm impressed.

1427
01:04:59,814 --> 01:05:00,648
This one...
It's in the front seat.

1428
01:05:00,731 --> 01:05:02,858
- It's driving the wine car.
- Exactly. It is.

1429
01:05:02,942 --> 01:05:05,736
I like wine
'cause of the buzz.

1430
01:05:06,112 --> 01:05:08,864
Mmm. She's a bit
of a lightweight, Beth.

1431
01:05:08,948 --> 01:05:10,825
- So is Terry.
- Come on.

1432
01:05:10,950 --> 01:05:13,119
He'll be passed out on the sofa
in less than an hour.

1433
01:05:13,202 --> 01:05:15,663
Aah. That's nonsense.
You know that's not true.

1434
01:05:18,249 --> 01:05:20,084
You weren't supposed to be
on the show tonight, were you?

1435
01:05:20,543 --> 01:05:21,669
Oh, me, on the show tonight?

1436
01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:23,295
Yeah, I was.
I was the headliner.

1437
01:05:26,590 --> 01:05:27,633
Okay.

1438
01:05:29,468 --> 01:05:30,761
I lied about the show

1439
01:05:30,845 --> 01:05:32,513
to get out of hanging out
with you guys,

1440
01:05:33,597 --> 01:05:35,182
and then I lied
about headlining

1441
01:05:35,683 --> 01:05:37,018
to impress you guys.

1442
01:05:37,268 --> 01:05:38,644
Well, that didn't work.

1443
01:05:40,646 --> 01:05:43,065
Also, I think I screwed up
with your daughter.

1444
01:05:44,859 --> 01:05:46,068
Yeah.

1445
01:05:46,986 --> 01:05:48,154
You did.

1446
01:05:49,071 --> 01:05:52,033
I don't know how people do it
when their family's sick.

1447
01:05:52,450 --> 01:05:54,660
My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.

1448
01:05:54,744 --> 01:05:57,496
Then he had a stroke,
then a heart attack.

1449
01:05:58,247 --> 01:05:59,373
Then he had a recurrence
of the cancer.

1450
01:05:59,457 --> 01:06:00,499
But you know what killed him?

1451
01:06:00,583 --> 01:06:02,126
- Cancer?
- Car accident.

1452
01:06:03,085 --> 01:06:04,295
We think maybe
it was a heart attack

1453
01:06:04,378 --> 01:06:07,131
while he was driving, and
he did still have cancer, too.

1454
01:06:07,214 --> 01:06:08,299
And you know what?

1455
01:06:09,258 --> 01:06:10,926
He ate sprouts
his whole fucking life.

1456
01:06:12,178 --> 01:06:13,846
Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.

1457
01:06:19,101 --> 01:06:21,103
I don't know how
I'm gonna sleep tonight.

1458
01:06:22,563 --> 01:06:24,023
You want to stress eat?

1459
01:06:24,398 --> 01:06:25,733
Fuck, yeah.

1460
01:06:27,026 --> 01:06:28,152
Oh, my God.

1461
01:06:28,235 --> 01:06:30,780
I know.
"Most noticeable."

1462
01:06:32,323 --> 01:06:33,616
Oh, now, now,
hold on, hold on.

1463
01:06:33,741 --> 01:06:35,242
There's more. Look.

1464
01:06:36,410 --> 01:06:39,663
The legendary cemetery
photo shoot.

1465
01:06:39,747 --> 01:06:41,582
Oh. Oh... My God.

1466
01:06:41,874 --> 01:06:44,710
- Nah!
- Oh! Wow!

1467
01:06:44,794 --> 01:06:46,712
Oh. I laughed so hard
when I saw these,

1468
01:06:46,796 --> 01:06:48,422
she got so... So mad at me.

1469
01:06:48,714 --> 01:06:49,840
You're gonna wake him up.

1470
01:06:50,007 --> 01:06:52,051
Are you kidding? He could
sleep though anything.

1471
01:06:52,134 --> 01:06:54,053
- Hey, Terry!
- Shh!

1472
01:06:54,553 --> 01:06:55,930
How did you and Terry meet?

1473
01:06:56,430 --> 01:06:59,767
I was, um, going
to East Carolina University.

1474
01:07:00,184 --> 01:07:03,062
And I was, um, waiting tables,

1475
01:07:03,145 --> 01:07:04,522
and, you know,
we met at this coffee shop.

1476
01:07:04,605 --> 01:07:05,648
I was waiting on him,

1477
01:07:05,731 --> 01:07:07,066
you know,
and I liked his hair.

1478
01:07:08,734 --> 01:07:10,319
He was a teacher already,
you know.

1479
01:07:10,736 --> 01:07:12,196
Thick New York accent,

1480
01:07:12,279 --> 01:07:14,615
like-- like nobody
I'd ever met, you know.

1481
01:07:14,949 --> 01:07:16,283
Totally wrong for me.

1482
01:07:16,575 --> 01:07:18,285
So, naturally,
we fell in love.

1483
01:07:18,744 --> 01:07:20,913
My family could not stand him.

1484
01:07:21,288 --> 01:07:23,833
We're all military people.
Army pilots.

1485
01:07:23,916 --> 01:07:25,376
All my brothers
played football.

1486
01:07:25,459 --> 01:07:26,752
Terry couldn't even
change a tire.

1487
01:07:27,503 --> 01:07:29,630
My father got so mad at me,

1488
01:07:30,923 --> 01:07:32,466
he broke every dinner plate
we had.

1489
01:07:32,550 --> 01:07:36,095
Now back then, um,
you go to the gas station,

1490
01:07:36,178 --> 01:07:37,930
you fill up your tank,
you get a dinner plate.

1491
01:07:38,013 --> 01:07:38,848
Oh.

1492
01:07:38,931 --> 01:07:40,099
But just one at a time,
like cup, saucer.

1493
01:07:40,432 --> 01:07:42,935
It took a year of fill-ups
to get the whole set back.

1494
01:07:43,352 --> 01:07:45,479
And Terry...
Terry just stuck around.

1495
01:07:46,105 --> 01:07:47,273
Eventually,

1496
01:07:47,731 --> 01:07:49,150
they just all got over it.

1497
01:07:50,317 --> 01:07:52,111
- They just got over it?
- Mm-hmm.

1498
01:07:52,862 --> 01:07:53,696
How?

1499
01:07:54,029 --> 01:07:55,656
Lots of fucked-up dinners.

1500
01:07:57,283 --> 01:07:58,742
How'd your parents meet,
Kumail?

1501
01:08:00,161 --> 01:08:02,204
So we have arranged marriage,
as you know,

1502
01:08:02,288 --> 01:08:05,583
and a big group got together
to go see a movie,

1503
01:08:05,666 --> 01:08:07,501
but really
it was just a set-up

1504
01:08:07,585 --> 01:08:09,295
so my mom and my dad
could meet.

1505
01:08:10,296 --> 01:08:11,589
What movie did they see?

1506
01:08:12,882 --> 01:08:14,133
I have no idea.

1507
01:08:15,009 --> 01:08:16,218
I never asked.

1508
01:08:19,597 --> 01:08:21,891
- She's great, you know?
- Yeah.

1509
01:08:23,017 --> 01:08:24,101
I know.

1510
01:08:25,060 --> 01:08:26,687
I feel good about the surgery.

1511
01:08:27,688 --> 01:08:30,566
Yeah. Me, too. These doctors
know what they're doing.

1512
01:08:30,649 --> 01:08:31,775
No, they don't.

1513
01:08:33,319 --> 01:08:35,196
They're just winging it
like everybody else.

1514
01:08:47,458 --> 01:08:51,003
Oh... fuck.

1515
01:09:01,222 --> 01:09:02,264
<i>Hey, it's me.</i>

1516
01:09:02,348 --> 01:09:05,601
<i>So, um, I tried making
some Pakistani food,</i>

1517
01:09:05,684 --> 01:09:09,063
<i>uh, to surprise you,
and either I'm a bad cook</i>

1518
01:09:09,146 --> 01:09:11,899
<i>or all
Pakistani food is terrible.</i>

1519
01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:13,859
<i>I don't know yet. Bye!</i>

1520
01:09:18,155 --> 01:09:21,033
<i>Hey, it's me. Um, if you just
want to come over</i>

1521
01:09:21,116 --> 01:09:23,744
<i>and, like, kiss me
for two seconds,</i>

1522
01:09:23,827 --> 01:09:25,746
<i>I'd really love that tonight.</i>

1523
01:09:25,829 --> 01:09:27,790
<i>Okay, bye.</i>

1524
01:09:31,377 --> 01:09:34,255
<i>Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you
want to meet at the gallery?</i>

1525
01:09:34,338 --> 01:09:36,215
<i>Oh, my God!</i>

1526
01:09:36,298 --> 01:09:37,341
<i>Oh, my God!</i>

1527
01:09:37,424 --> 01:09:39,635
<i>Oh, my God! A bird
just hit me in the head!</i>

1528
01:09:39,927 --> 01:09:41,387
<i>Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!</i>

1529
01:09:43,180 --> 01:09:46,642
<i>I'll call you right back.
Oh, my God, is it okay?</i>

1530
01:09:52,231 --> 01:09:54,483
The infection around the lungs
has been removed.

1531
01:09:55,067 --> 01:09:56,485
We should be able
to pull her out soon.

1532
01:09:56,568 --> 01:09:58,737
Oh, boy! Whew.

1533
01:09:58,821 --> 01:10:00,990
Oh. Well, how soon?

1534
01:10:01,073 --> 01:10:03,075
She should be up by tomorrow
morning at the latest.

1535
01:10:03,492 --> 01:10:04,368
Oh, wow.

1536
01:10:04,451 --> 01:10:06,870
We'll also test the pleural
fluid from the thoracentesis

1537
01:10:06,954 --> 01:10:09,290
to create a more targeted
antibiotic strategy.

1538
01:10:09,873 --> 01:10:13,127
- So this is good news?
- It's very good news.

1539
01:10:13,210 --> 01:10:14,420
- Yeah.
- We'll just hold on to her

1540
01:10:14,503 --> 01:10:16,297
for a few more days, and then
you can have her back.

1541
01:10:16,588 --> 01:10:18,299
She's a fighter, right?

1542
01:10:18,757 --> 01:10:19,591
Yes.

1543
01:10:22,261 --> 01:10:23,304
I was so worried.

1544
01:10:23,470 --> 01:10:25,306
We saw on the news
that a train derailed,

1545
01:10:25,389 --> 01:10:26,724
and we thought that
you were on the train,

1546
01:10:26,807 --> 01:10:27,891
and you had died.

1547
01:10:27,975 --> 01:10:29,643
Nobody died on that train, Ma.

1548
01:10:29,727 --> 01:10:31,020
But did they look
under the train?

1549
01:10:31,228 --> 01:10:32,938
So where were you last night?
What were you doing?

1550
01:10:33,230 --> 01:10:35,107
Nothing.
I wasn't doing anything.

1551
01:10:35,399 --> 01:10:38,485
- Kumail?
- All right, I'll tell you.

1552
01:10:38,569 --> 01:10:40,612
- Tell.
- I was...

1553
01:10:41,530 --> 01:10:42,948
I was studying for the LSAT.

1554
01:10:44,199 --> 01:10:46,243
- Really?
- Yup.

1555
01:10:46,452 --> 01:10:51,457
I signed up, and if I pass,
I'm going to go to law school

1556
01:10:51,623 --> 01:10:53,000
and become a lawyer

1557
01:10:54,293 --> 01:10:55,586
and do law.

1558
01:10:55,669 --> 01:10:57,254
Hmm.

1559
01:10:57,338 --> 01:10:59,131
Oh, let me see
who that could be.

1560
01:10:59,548 --> 01:11:01,300
- Really, Dad?
- What?

1561
01:11:01,383 --> 01:11:03,135
You said that nobody was going
to come, it was just...

1562
01:11:03,218 --> 01:11:04,470
- Gonna be just us.
- Kumail, do you know this guy?

1563
01:11:04,553 --> 01:11:05,637
People say Sam!

1564
01:11:06,305 --> 01:11:07,681
People say Sam!
Do you know him?

1565
01:11:08,098 --> 01:11:08,932
Yeah, I know him.

1566
01:11:09,016 --> 01:11:10,309
He should be on
<i>Saturday Night Live.</i>

1567
01:11:10,392 --> 01:11:11,226
<i>SNL.</i>

1568
01:11:11,310 --> 01:11:12,478
People don't say "Sam."
They say <i>salaam.</i>

1569
01:11:12,561 --> 01:11:14,063
Everybody,
you remember Khadija?

1570
01:11:14,563 --> 01:11:15,814
She just dropped in.

1571
01:11:15,898 --> 01:11:17,441
She was just
in the neighborhood.

1572
01:11:17,524 --> 01:11:21,028
And these are her parents,
Rahan and Tina.

1573
01:11:21,904 --> 01:11:23,405
They also just dropped in.

1574
01:11:35,417 --> 01:11:38,170
I've just been on
so many of these appointments,

1575
01:11:38,587 --> 01:11:40,923
and I just never have anything
in common with the guys.

1576
01:11:41,006 --> 01:11:41,840
Yeah.

1577
01:11:41,924 --> 01:11:44,176
You know, when girls at work
complain to me about dating,

1578
01:11:44,259 --> 01:11:46,261
I just...
I want to body-slam them.

1579
01:11:46,345 --> 01:11:47,763
They have no idea.

1580
01:11:47,846 --> 01:11:49,098
- Right.
- I don't know.

1581
01:11:49,181 --> 01:11:52,726
My mom says I'm becoming
like the bruised apple

1582
01:11:52,810 --> 01:11:54,561
at the bottom
of the apple bucket.

1583
01:11:54,645 --> 01:11:56,522
- No. No, no, no, you're not.
- Yeah.

1584
01:11:56,605 --> 01:11:57,940
- I am.
- No, you're not.

1585
01:11:59,608 --> 01:12:01,610
So, do you want
to hang out sometime?

1586
01:12:02,569 --> 01:12:04,196
Like, without our parents.

1587
01:12:04,571 --> 01:12:06,073
Have you been to the Cat Café?

1588
01:12:06,156 --> 01:12:07,950
The cats just come up to you

1589
01:12:08,075 --> 01:12:11,036
and nestle in your lap,
and you just pet them.

1590
01:12:12,121 --> 01:12:13,497
I don't think
that's a good idea.

1591
01:12:13,747 --> 01:12:15,499
You don't like... cats?

1592
01:12:15,582 --> 01:12:17,418
I mean...

1593
01:12:17,584 --> 01:12:20,671
I don't think it's a good idea
for us to hang out again.

1594
01:12:21,505 --> 01:12:22,840
It's not you.

1595
01:12:23,173 --> 01:12:25,259
You're fantastic.

1596
01:12:25,551 --> 01:12:27,678
I just can't do this
arranged marriage thing.

1597
01:12:28,095 --> 01:12:29,596
With anybody.

1598
01:12:30,431 --> 01:12:31,932
So why did you meet me?

1599
01:12:33,308 --> 01:12:35,018
It wasn't my idea.

1600
01:12:40,649 --> 01:12:42,192
I'm just really tired.

1601
01:12:43,235 --> 01:12:45,654
Do you ever want
to just be in a relationship

1602
01:12:45,737 --> 01:12:48,991
so you can just finally relax?

1603
01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:51,326
I'm sorry.

1604
01:12:54,997 --> 01:12:56,623
You deserve better than me.

1605
01:12:58,208 --> 01:13:00,002
People always telling me
what I deserve.

1606
01:13:01,044 --> 01:13:02,129
It's bullshit.

1607
01:13:03,422 --> 01:13:06,049
And stop being so sorry
about everything.

1608
01:13:08,510 --> 01:13:09,803
I'm gonna go.

1609
01:13:11,472 --> 01:13:13,640
And do you know what?
I watched <i>The X-Files.</i>

1610
01:13:13,974 --> 01:13:17,311
Like, three whole episodes,
and it's a bad show.

1611
01:13:30,199 --> 01:13:31,492
Wow, they should
call this web site,

1612
01:13:31,617 --> 01:13:33,702
"everything is cancer
dot-com."

1613
01:13:33,827 --> 01:13:37,122
Whatever symptom you put in,
it could be cancer.

1614
01:13:37,748 --> 01:13:39,958
Hiccups could be cancer.
Come on.

1615
01:13:40,501 --> 01:13:42,002
Take the fun
out of hiccups now.

1616
01:13:42,252 --> 01:13:45,672
But, you know, this is the
17th best hospital in Chicago?

1617
01:13:46,757 --> 01:13:49,384
- Really? Out of how many?
- I don't know.

1618
01:13:50,093 --> 01:13:51,803
But Northwestern's number one.

1619
01:13:52,513 --> 01:13:53,597
How do they rate,

1620
01:13:53,680 --> 01:13:55,432
- or what's the methodology?
- I don't know, Terry.

1621
01:13:55,557 --> 01:13:57,226
But 17th is bad.

1622
01:13:57,684 --> 01:13:59,811
It's not great.
Unless the sample size is...

1623
01:14:00,103 --> 01:14:01,313
You know, that all depends.

1624
01:14:01,438 --> 01:14:02,648
Here, look at the comments.

1625
01:14:03,190 --> 01:14:04,566
This is why I don't want
to go online

1626
01:14:04,650 --> 01:14:05,776
'cause it's never good.

1627
01:14:06,068 --> 01:14:07,945
You go online,
they hated <i>Forrest Gump.</i>

1628
01:14:09,112 --> 01:14:10,447
Frickin' best movie ever.

1629
01:14:13,158 --> 01:14:14,660
Yeah, I know.

1630
01:14:14,743 --> 01:14:16,495
Well, it, no,
it hasn't been that long.

1631
01:14:17,913 --> 01:14:19,581
Like, three hours, maybe.

1632
01:14:20,249 --> 01:14:22,125
Oh, hey, I-- I--
All right, I got to go.

1633
01:14:23,794 --> 01:14:25,254
- Terry, hi.
- Hey.

1634
01:14:25,337 --> 01:14:26,672
- Can we talk?
- Yeah, yeah.

1635
01:14:26,755 --> 01:14:27,589
Okay.

1636
01:14:28,507 --> 01:14:30,092
We got the biopsy results.

1637
01:14:30,425 --> 01:14:32,386
They are, unfortunately,
inconclusive.

1638
01:14:33,011 --> 01:14:35,097
Uh, we're concerned
because it is also...

1639
01:14:37,766 --> 01:14:39,726
Well, wait, wait,
what does that mean?

1640
01:14:39,810 --> 01:14:42,271
It means it's aggressive.
It means that...

1641
01:14:51,446 --> 01:14:53,115
<i>I mean, they...
They couldn't find out what</i>

1642
01:14:53,198 --> 01:14:54,658
the disease was
or where the...

1643
01:14:55,075 --> 01:14:56,868
Where the virus came from,
the bacteria, whatever.

1644
01:14:56,952 --> 01:14:58,036
But they took out
the infection,

1645
01:14:58,120 --> 01:14:59,413
- so it shouldn't matter.
- I know. That's what I said.

1646
01:14:59,496 --> 01:15:01,290
But, uh,
her vitals didn't normalize.

1647
01:15:01,373 --> 01:15:02,749
And now they say,
the infection,

1648
01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:05,627
it's continuing to spread.
It's in her kidneys now.

1649
01:15:05,877 --> 01:15:07,713
But the kidneys are
so far from the lungs.

1650
01:15:07,796 --> 01:15:08,630
I know.

1651
01:15:08,714 --> 01:15:11,466
It's an aggressive infection,
and they said

1652
01:15:11,550 --> 01:15:13,218
what they got to do now is
they just got to figure out

1653
01:15:13,302 --> 01:15:14,303
what this mystery disease
actually is.

1654
01:15:14,386 --> 01:15:18,056
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

1655
01:15:19,349 --> 01:15:20,767
I'm calling Northwestern.

1656
01:15:20,934 --> 01:15:22,436
- Just hold on, hold on.
- Terry, Goddammit...

1657
01:15:22,519 --> 01:15:23,729
I think
we should talk about...

1658
01:15:23,812 --> 01:15:24,646
Shut up.

1659
01:15:24,730 --> 01:15:27,149
I'm sick of this shit, Terry.
We're getting her out of here.

1660
01:15:27,482 --> 01:15:28,692
They're in the middle
of the...

1661
01:15:28,775 --> 01:15:30,193
Of the whole process
of elimination.

1662
01:15:30,277 --> 01:15:32,446
So you're saying Northwestern
can't take that information

1663
01:15:32,529 --> 01:15:33,739
and continue the search?

1664
01:15:33,822 --> 01:15:35,407
This place is a shithole.
I'm sorry.

1665
01:15:35,490 --> 01:15:36,825
Anna, could I have that?

1666
01:15:37,034 --> 01:15:38,702
Will you just stop
for a second, all right?

1667
01:15:38,785 --> 01:15:39,703
They are the doctors.

1668
01:15:39,786 --> 01:15:40,704
You act like you know
what you're talking about.

1669
01:15:40,787 --> 01:15:42,331
- Doctors are not the same.
- You don't.

1670
01:15:42,414 --> 01:15:43,874
I can't find my cell phone.

1671
01:15:43,957 --> 01:15:45,042
- You got a phone?
- Yeah.

1672
01:15:45,125 --> 01:15:45,959
Don't give her the phone.

1673
01:15:46,335 --> 01:15:47,377
Don't...
You don't need a phone.

1674
01:15:47,461 --> 01:15:49,171
You don't need to call anybody
right now. The...

1675
01:15:49,254 --> 01:15:51,006
They're doing it. They're
the experts here, and...

1676
01:15:51,089 --> 01:15:52,591
- And I trust them.
- One, five...

1677
01:15:52,674 --> 01:15:53,508
Oh, well, that's very nice,
but I don't.

1678
01:15:53,592 --> 01:15:54,718
Can you unlock that thing?

1679
01:15:55,052 --> 01:15:56,511
There... There's a reason
they're number 17

1680
01:15:56,595 --> 01:15:57,846
and Northwestern's number one.

1681
01:15:57,929 --> 01:15:59,681
And that's not because people
trust them. Thank you.

1682
01:15:59,765 --> 01:16:01,600
Wait, you think
you're smarter than me.

1683
01:16:01,683 --> 01:16:02,643
You say big sentences.

1684
01:16:02,726 --> 01:16:04,102
Okay, well, you're not.
You're not.

1685
01:16:08,273 --> 01:16:09,524
I don't think
I'm smarter than you.

1686
01:16:09,608 --> 01:16:11,276
You just don't think
you're as smart as I am.

1687
01:16:11,360 --> 01:16:13,528
- That's not my fault.
- Right, it's...

1688
01:16:13,612 --> 01:16:15,864
It's never your fault.
Everything's my fault.

1689
01:16:15,947 --> 01:16:18,075
Oh, there are some things
that are definitely...

1690
01:16:18,825 --> 01:16:20,327
...just your fault.

1691
01:16:22,287 --> 01:16:24,206
Okay, that's...
That's bullshit.

1692
01:16:24,456 --> 01:16:26,833
You need to stop freaking out
and calm down.

1693
01:16:26,917 --> 01:16:28,502
And you need
to stop being a coward.

1694
01:16:30,337 --> 01:16:31,380
Right.

1695
01:16:32,172 --> 01:16:33,757
The greatest hits comin' back.

1696
01:16:33,840 --> 01:16:35,592
Okay, you can just...
Well, you can stop.

1697
01:16:35,676 --> 01:16:38,220
I'll-- I'll replay
the rest of this from memory.

1698
01:16:41,765 --> 01:16:43,684
Yeah, don't... Listen to me...

1699
01:17:09,543 --> 01:17:11,837
Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.

1700
01:17:11,920 --> 01:17:13,338
It's the biggest thing
they had.

1701
01:17:13,630 --> 01:17:15,257
I don't even know
if she likes giraffes.

1702
01:17:15,590 --> 01:17:16,925
We never talked about...

1703
01:17:18,385 --> 01:17:19,636
...giraffes.

1704
01:17:20,387 --> 01:17:21,888
Hey, do they know
what they're doing?

1705
01:17:21,972 --> 01:17:23,765
'Cause they don't tell us
anything.

1706
01:17:24,307 --> 01:17:25,934
Like, uh, Lyme disease.

1707
01:17:26,017 --> 01:17:27,686
You know, the girl
on <i>The Real World</i> had it.

1708
01:17:27,769 --> 01:17:29,938
- Did you guys look for that?
- Yes, we did.

1709
01:17:30,021 --> 01:17:31,398
You know,
she gets hurt all the time,

1710
01:17:31,481 --> 01:17:34,025
and she messed up her ankle
recently. Could that be lupus?

1711
01:17:34,109 --> 01:17:36,403
Listen,
we're looking into everything.

1712
01:17:36,903 --> 01:17:38,822
We're not holding anything
back from you.

1713
01:17:39,114 --> 01:17:42,284
We're still just
eliminating possibilities.

1714
01:17:42,993 --> 01:17:45,287
'Cause Beth wants
to move her to Northwestern.

1715
01:17:45,454 --> 01:17:47,956
No. Emily should not be moved.

1716
01:17:49,332 --> 01:17:50,834
The hospital will approve it

1717
01:17:50,917 --> 01:17:53,044
because it'll get the
liability off their hands.

1718
01:17:53,420 --> 01:17:55,338
But we put her in a coma
for a reason,

1719
01:17:55,589 --> 01:17:57,007
to stabilize her.

1720
01:17:57,174 --> 01:17:59,676
Moving her
could be very dangerous.

1721
01:18:00,719 --> 01:18:04,014
Trust me, she is fighting this,
and so are we.

1722
01:18:08,602 --> 01:18:10,729
Hey, Terry,
I was just talking to the...

1723
01:18:11,813 --> 01:18:13,190
- You okay?
- Yeah.

1724
01:18:13,273 --> 01:18:15,066
Yeah, of course.

1725
01:18:15,901 --> 01:18:17,194
Fine. Totally fine.

1726
01:18:17,277 --> 01:18:20,071
Just, uh... Beth went
to Emily, so, uh...

1727
01:18:20,864 --> 01:18:23,325
I'm gonna wait here till
they kick me out, you know?

1728
01:18:25,744 --> 01:18:26,912
Just keep an eye on her.

1729
01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:33,543
Do you want to crash
at my place?

1730
01:18:34,461 --> 01:18:36,546
- You got Golf Channel?
- No.

1731
01:18:37,672 --> 01:18:38,799
That wasn't funny, right?

1732
01:18:39,007 --> 01:18:41,301
Oh, I didn't... I thought
that was a serious question.

1733
01:18:42,219 --> 01:18:43,428
Let's get
the fuck out of here.

1734
01:18:49,601 --> 01:18:50,685
So...

1735
01:18:51,228 --> 01:18:52,646
This is the place.

1736
01:18:52,729 --> 01:18:54,356
Huh. Wow.

1737
01:18:55,857 --> 01:18:57,108
This place is terrible.

1738
01:19:02,447 --> 01:19:05,492
Hey, uh,
I talked to Nurse Judy,

1739
01:19:05,826 --> 01:19:07,452
and she was saying that, like,

1740
01:19:07,536 --> 01:19:09,579
moving Emily
could be a bad idea.

1741
01:19:10,372 --> 01:19:11,206
Really?

1742
01:19:11,289 --> 01:19:13,291
Yeah, she said
it could be dangerous.

1743
01:19:16,044 --> 01:19:17,212
Like, something...

1744
01:19:17,295 --> 01:19:18,964
Yeah, I hear you.

1745
01:19:20,257 --> 01:19:22,092
And... Hmm.

1746
01:19:22,175 --> 01:19:25,136
I just...
I'd give anything just to...

1747
01:19:26,179 --> 01:19:27,639
trade places with Emily.

1748
01:19:27,848 --> 01:19:28,723
You know?

1749
01:19:30,141 --> 01:19:33,103
Being a parent, it's...
It's a nightmare.

1750
01:19:33,812 --> 01:19:36,857
Loving somebody
this much sucks.

1751
01:19:38,149 --> 01:19:39,609
Yeah.

1752
01:19:40,277 --> 01:19:41,403
And, uh,

1753
01:19:41,653 --> 01:19:43,488
I guess you've noticed
the tension

1754
01:19:43,572 --> 01:19:45,657
between Beth and me.

1755
01:19:47,367 --> 01:19:48,785
Uh, not really.

1756
01:19:49,035 --> 01:19:50,829
Uh, it's none of my business,

1757
01:19:50,912 --> 01:19:52,622
- so I don't try to...
- Yeah, well, it's...

1758
01:19:52,706 --> 01:19:53,874
Uh, it's there.

1759
01:19:54,749 --> 01:19:56,209
Big-time.

1760
01:19:57,919 --> 01:20:00,338
It's getting really late.
We should go to sleep.

1761
01:20:09,139 --> 01:20:10,432
I cheated on her.

1762
01:20:11,683 --> 01:20:12,934
Fuck.

1763
01:20:13,018 --> 01:20:14,102
I did.

1764
01:20:16,104 --> 01:20:17,606
It was just a one-night stand.

1765
01:20:17,689 --> 01:20:19,482
- Okay.
- We met at some bar

1766
01:20:19,566 --> 01:20:20,609
in Cincinnati.

1767
01:20:20,692 --> 01:20:23,069
They-- They have
these teacher conferences.

1768
01:20:24,321 --> 01:20:26,531
Who goes to a math conference
to get laid?

1769
01:20:27,240 --> 01:20:28,533
Math teachers?

1770
01:20:28,617 --> 01:20:29,868
Yeah.

1771
01:20:30,619 --> 01:20:32,913
I-- I think I was depressed.

1772
01:20:32,996 --> 01:20:35,123
- That's what it was.
- Yeah.

1773
01:20:35,457 --> 01:20:36,875
Let's talk about it tomorrow.

1774
01:20:37,667 --> 01:20:38,710
Get a full night's sleep,

1775
01:20:39,002 --> 01:20:40,170
tackle it fresh
in the morning...

1776
01:20:40,253 --> 01:20:43,214
She just smelled so... good.

1777
01:20:45,675 --> 01:20:47,010
It was horrible, too.

1778
01:20:47,093 --> 01:20:50,347
As soon as I was finished,
as soon as I'd finished,

1779
01:20:50,430 --> 01:20:53,266
I was like,
"What did you fucking do?

1780
01:20:53,892 --> 01:20:56,645
"What did you just do?

1781
01:20:58,855 --> 01:21:00,398
"What did you do?"

1782
01:21:02,192 --> 01:21:03,902
You know, that-- that, uh,

1783
01:21:04,444 --> 01:21:08,323
moment of clarity you get,
right after an orgasm.

1784
01:21:09,532 --> 01:21:10,700
Yeah.

1785
01:21:11,660 --> 01:21:13,244
I told Beth right away.

1786
01:21:13,453 --> 01:21:14,537
I had to.

1787
01:21:16,331 --> 01:21:17,707
She was devastated.

1788
01:21:18,541 --> 01:21:19,918
And now she hates me.

1789
01:21:21,044 --> 01:21:23,171
She might be mad at you, but...

1790
01:21:23,672 --> 01:21:24,839
But she doesn't hate you.

1791
01:21:25,006 --> 01:21:27,050
Should've heard the way
she was talking about you.

1792
01:21:27,133 --> 01:21:28,134
Mmm.

1793
01:21:29,386 --> 01:21:30,804
Hey, can I ask you something?

1794
01:21:33,640 --> 01:21:34,516
Why'd you tell her?

1795
01:21:34,808 --> 01:21:35,934
Oh, I had to.

1796
01:21:36,017 --> 01:21:37,227
I'm no good with guilt.

1797
01:21:39,229 --> 01:21:40,355
Do you guys talk about it?

1798
01:21:40,438 --> 01:21:41,523
Not anymore.

1799
01:21:42,816 --> 01:21:45,443
She said she forgave me,
but-- but, no.

1800
01:21:46,736 --> 01:21:47,821
She hasn't.

1801
01:21:49,948 --> 01:21:51,658
Let me give you some advice,
Kumail.

1802
01:21:54,327 --> 01:21:56,621
You're gonna know the woman
that you want to spend

1803
01:21:56,705 --> 01:21:57,956
the rest of your life with

1804
01:21:59,207 --> 01:22:00,542
when you cheat on her.

1805
01:22:01,042 --> 01:22:04,754
When you cheat on her
and you just feel like shit.

1806
01:22:06,840 --> 01:22:09,259
So to fully know
I love someone,

1807
01:22:09,342 --> 01:22:11,428
I have to cheat on them?

1808
01:22:13,430 --> 01:22:15,390
Out loud, it sounds stupid.

1809
01:22:17,809 --> 01:22:19,936
Eh, it's...
Yeah, that's terrible advice.

1810
01:22:22,272 --> 01:22:23,273
Love...

1811
01:22:23,398 --> 01:22:25,108
Love isn't easy.

1812
01:22:26,609 --> 01:22:28,278
That's why they call it love.

1813
01:22:29,487 --> 01:22:30,864
I don't really
get that either.

1814
01:22:30,947 --> 01:22:33,575
I know. I thought I could just
start saying something,

1815
01:22:33,658 --> 01:22:35,076
and something smart
would come out.

1816
01:22:55,138 --> 01:22:56,514
Hey, did you see Terry?

1817
01:22:56,890 --> 01:22:58,475
Yeah, I heard him leave
this morning.

1818
01:22:58,767 --> 01:23:00,310
I'm going to Subbies.
You want anything?

1819
01:23:00,393 --> 01:23:01,770
Nah, I'm good. Thank you.

1820
01:23:01,853 --> 01:23:03,354
You don't want a hot dog
or nothin'?

1821
01:23:03,438 --> 01:23:04,856
Dude,
it's 8:30 in the morning.

1822
01:23:04,981 --> 01:23:07,150
Okay. No hot dog.

1823
01:23:09,486 --> 01:23:10,612
Oh, hi.

1824
01:23:10,695 --> 01:23:12,322
Oh, yeah, you can go right in.

1825
01:23:14,491 --> 01:23:16,326
We just spoke
to Khadija's parents.

1826
01:23:16,409 --> 01:23:18,745
- What are you doing here?
- What is wrong with you, Kumi?

1827
01:23:18,828 --> 01:23:20,413
Nothing is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.

1828
01:23:20,497 --> 01:23:22,207
Sorry? That's all you have
to say?

1829
01:23:22,290 --> 01:23:23,291
Okay, I... I don't...
I wasn't that into her.

1830
01:23:23,374 --> 01:23:24,584
- Into her?
- Yeah.

1831
01:23:24,667 --> 01:23:25,710
Do you know
how difficult it is

1832
01:23:25,794 --> 01:23:27,003
to get an appointment
with her?

1833
01:23:27,087 --> 01:23:28,505
She's in very high demand.

1834
01:23:28,588 --> 01:23:30,256
- Okay, so?
- So?

1835
01:23:30,340 --> 01:23:32,133
Can we please talk about this
another time? I... I...

1836
01:23:32,217 --> 01:23:35,720
No, no, Kumi.
We will talk about this now.

1837
01:23:35,887 --> 01:23:38,431
We have sacrificed everything
for you.

1838
01:23:38,515 --> 01:23:40,100
I know. Okay?

1839
01:23:40,600 --> 01:23:42,143
We have left our family.

1840
01:23:42,227 --> 01:23:43,812
We have left our home.

1841
01:23:43,895 --> 01:23:46,773
I have missed the birth
of my sister's daughter.

1842
01:23:47,357 --> 01:23:51,486
I have not seen my mother
for 15 years.

1843
01:23:51,861 --> 01:23:55,907
Your father, he had to do
his graduate school again.

1844
01:23:56,032 --> 01:23:57,867
He had to give exams again.

1845
01:23:58,118 --> 01:23:59,911
I was in my mid-50s.

1846
01:24:00,829 --> 01:24:03,706
They were in 20s. They used
to call me Father Time.

1847
01:24:03,790 --> 01:24:06,501
Okay, okay. I know that.

1848
01:24:06,584 --> 01:24:09,921
And I-- I really appreciate
everything you did for me.

1849
01:24:10,213 --> 01:24:13,133
But can we talk about this
another time?

1850
01:24:13,341 --> 01:24:16,302
Kumi, if you don't want
to be a lawyer, fine.

1851
01:24:16,594 --> 01:24:18,930
If you want to do
the stand-up comedy

1852
01:24:19,013 --> 01:24:21,766
and embarrass us as a family,
fine.

1853
01:24:22,142 --> 01:24:23,351
There is only one thing

1854
01:24:23,434 --> 01:24:25,478
that we have ever
asked for you, Kumi,

1855
01:24:26,020 --> 01:24:27,480
that you be a good Muslim

1856
01:24:27,564 --> 01:24:29,315
and you marry
a Pakistani girl!

1857
01:24:29,399 --> 01:24:31,276
That is it! One thing!

1858
01:24:32,986 --> 01:24:34,237
Can I ask you something?

1859
01:24:34,487 --> 01:24:36,197
Something that has
never made sense to me.

1860
01:24:36,281 --> 01:24:37,991
Why did you bring me here
if you wanted me

1861
01:24:38,074 --> 01:24:39,659
to not have an American life?

1862
01:24:39,951 --> 01:24:42,537
We come here, but we pretend
like we're still back there.

1863
01:24:43,454 --> 01:24:44,497
That's so stupid.

1864
01:24:44,581 --> 01:24:46,082
Don't you talk
to your mother like that.

1865
01:24:46,166 --> 01:24:47,208
You don't care what I think.

1866
01:24:47,333 --> 01:24:49,085
You just want me
to follow the rules.

1867
01:24:49,377 --> 01:24:52,213
But the r-- the rules
don't make sense to me.

1868
01:24:57,177 --> 01:24:58,553
I don't pray.

1869
01:24:59,554 --> 01:25:00,722
I don't.

1870
01:25:00,972 --> 01:25:02,849
I haven't prayed in years.

1871
01:25:04,142 --> 01:25:05,685
I just go down there,

1872
01:25:06,060 --> 01:25:07,353
and I play video games.

1873
01:25:07,645 --> 01:25:08,771
You don't believe in Allah?

1874
01:25:08,855 --> 01:25:10,523
I don't know
what I believe, Dad.

1875
01:25:10,607 --> 01:25:11,900
I don't know.

1876
01:25:15,069 --> 01:25:17,197
And I can't marry
someone you find for me.

1877
01:25:17,947 --> 01:25:19,324
And why not?

1878
01:25:21,326 --> 01:25:23,161
Because I am in love
with someone.

1879
01:25:24,704 --> 01:25:25,580
I am.

1880
01:25:25,997 --> 01:25:27,373
Her name is Emily.

1881
01:25:27,665 --> 01:25:29,500
And
she's gonna be a therapist.

1882
01:25:29,876 --> 01:25:32,128
And right now she's very sick.

1883
01:25:32,212 --> 01:25:33,713
But I couldn't tell you that.

1884
01:25:34,088 --> 01:25:37,133
It makes me so sad that I
couldn't tell you any of that.

1885
01:25:40,136 --> 01:25:43,097
I really appreciate everything
you've done for me.

1886
01:25:43,181 --> 01:25:46,017
I truly, truly, truly do.
I really do.

1887
01:25:46,684 --> 01:25:49,270
And I know Islam
has been really good for you,

1888
01:25:49,354 --> 01:25:50,772
and it has made you
good people.

1889
01:25:51,481 --> 01:25:53,691
But I don't know
what I believe.

1890
01:25:55,860 --> 01:25:57,487
I just need to figure it out
on my own.

1891
01:25:58,613 --> 01:26:00,198
You're not my son.

1892
01:26:02,575 --> 01:26:04,702
Kumail.
You're being selfish,

1893
01:26:04,827 --> 01:26:06,412
you're not thinking about us.

1894
01:26:06,871 --> 01:26:08,456
You're not thinking
about Khadija, in fact,

1895
01:26:08,539 --> 01:26:09,582
you're not even thinking about

1896
01:26:09,666 --> 01:26:11,042
that girl
you are in love with.

1897
01:26:11,626 --> 01:26:14,087
You think American dream
is doing just about

1898
01:26:14,170 --> 01:26:16,673
whatever you want and not
thinking about other people?

1899
01:26:16,756 --> 01:26:17,632
You're wrong!

1900
01:26:18,299 --> 01:26:20,218
You are wrong!

1901
01:26:25,223 --> 01:26:26,891
Excuse us, please.

1902
01:26:26,975 --> 01:26:28,017
Sorry.

1903
01:26:28,101 --> 01:26:29,227
What's wrong
with you, man?

1904
01:26:30,311 --> 01:26:31,854
- CHRIS Hey.
- Hey.

1905
01:26:32,146 --> 01:26:34,232
I, uh,
never went to the store.

1906
01:26:34,315 --> 01:26:36,651
I was just listening
at the door.

1907
01:26:39,070 --> 01:26:42,490
Hey... My mom kicked me out
for dealing weed at 16,

1908
01:26:42,573 --> 01:26:43,908
so I get it, man.

1909
01:26:57,213 --> 01:26:58,756
- Hey.
- Hey, um, so,

1910
01:26:58,840 --> 01:27:00,466
wh... when are we gonna talk
to Beth about this thing

1911
01:27:00,550 --> 01:27:01,718
- that we talked about?
- We-- we-- we--

1912
01:27:01,801 --> 01:27:03,136
We're gonna move her,

1913
01:27:03,219 --> 01:27:04,345
is what we're gonna do.

1914
01:27:04,929 --> 01:27:05,805
What?

1915
01:27:06,764 --> 01:27:08,141
- What? We're gonna move her.
- What you...

1916
01:27:08,224 --> 01:27:09,475
What are you talking about?

1917
01:27:09,559 --> 01:27:10,560
You fucking caved?

1918
01:27:10,810 --> 01:27:11,853
- I didn't cave.
- You fucking caved?

1919
01:27:11,936 --> 01:27:13,521
- I don't cave, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

1920
01:27:13,604 --> 01:27:15,106
I know you don't, you don't
cave, you don't cave,

1921
01:27:15,189 --> 01:27:16,190
you're great.

1922
01:27:16,274 --> 01:27:17,275
But we talked about this
last night,

1923
01:27:17,358 --> 01:27:18,609
- and we decided...
- I know. I know.

1924
01:27:18,693 --> 01:27:19,694
...that it wasn't gonna be
a good...

1925
01:27:19,777 --> 01:27:20,820
- We're moving her.
- No. What?

1926
01:27:20,903 --> 01:27:21,904
- Yeah.
- I-- I told you what

1927
01:27:21,988 --> 01:27:22,989
- the nurse said.
- She's right.

1928
01:27:23,072 --> 01:27:24,866
Hey, Beth, um, the nurse
told me that moving Emily

1929
01:27:24,949 --> 01:27:25,950
could be a very bad idea.

1930
01:27:26,034 --> 01:27:27,827
Well, Northwestern told us
it could be very good.

1931
01:27:27,910 --> 01:27:29,537
Well, they don't see her,
this nurse sees her,

1932
01:27:29,620 --> 01:27:30,955
and she told me herself.
She said...

1933
01:27:31,039 --> 01:27:32,373
That's okay, Kumail,
they don't need to see her.

1934
01:27:32,457 --> 01:27:34,083
No, it's not okay! There.

1935
01:27:34,625 --> 01:27:35,835
- That's...
- I got it.

1936
01:27:36,252 --> 01:27:38,046
That's a map of the garage.

1937
01:27:39,756 --> 01:27:40,590
Don't...

1938
01:27:40,882 --> 01:27:42,467
Wait, wait, wait.

1939
01:27:42,550 --> 01:27:44,093
You want to be responsible?

1940
01:27:44,218 --> 01:27:45,053
Huh?

1941
01:27:46,679 --> 01:27:47,972
She could die!

1942
01:27:48,264 --> 01:27:49,140
Kumail,

1943
01:27:49,474 --> 01:27:51,684
we're responsible for her
no matter what.

1944
01:27:53,186 --> 01:27:54,479
We're her parents.

1945
01:27:55,063 --> 01:27:56,731
Now, I'm sorry,
we're moving her.

1946
01:28:07,200 --> 01:28:08,534
<i>Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.</i>

1947
01:28:08,618 --> 01:28:10,119
<i>Can I take your order, please?</i>

1948
01:28:10,203 --> 01:28:13,498
Yeah, um, can I get a burger
with four slices of cheese?

1949
01:28:13,998 --> 01:28:15,500
<i>Four burgers.
Anything else, sir?</i>

1950
01:28:15,583 --> 01:28:18,127
No, one burger
with four slices of cheese.

1951
01:28:22,006 --> 01:28:23,257
One burger with four slice--

1952
01:28:23,341 --> 01:28:25,551
<i>I'm sorry,
we can't do that.</i>

1953
01:28:25,635 --> 01:28:29,222
Just put four slices of cheese
on a burger.

1954
01:28:29,305 --> 01:28:30,723
<i>We can't do that.
There's no button...</i>

1955
01:28:30,807 --> 01:28:32,392
Who the fuck is this
"we," man?

1956
01:28:32,475 --> 01:28:34,727
Who the fuck is this "we"?
It's me and you!

1957
01:28:34,811 --> 01:28:37,271
We're just people!
Fucking listen to me!

1958
01:28:37,355 --> 01:28:38,731
Fuck this corporate entity!

1959
01:28:38,815 --> 01:28:43,945
Put four slices of cheese
on the fucking burger!

1960
01:28:46,489 --> 01:28:48,324
<i>- We can't do that.</i>
- What the fuck?

1961
01:28:48,408 --> 01:28:50,451
You fucking idiot! Hey!

1962
01:28:51,119 --> 01:28:52,537
Hey, look at me, look at me.

1963
01:28:52,620 --> 01:28:55,123
'Cause I'm a human being, you
are a human being. Look at me!

1964
01:28:55,206 --> 01:28:57,250
Look me in the eyes
when you fuck me!

1965
01:28:57,333 --> 01:28:59,419
Look at me! Please!

1966
01:29:00,002 --> 01:29:01,129
Today's my first day.

1967
01:29:01,212 --> 01:29:02,505
Fuck you!

1968
01:29:12,890 --> 01:29:15,184
I'll just ring you up
for four burgers.

1969
01:29:18,229 --> 01:29:19,313
I'm sorry.

1970
01:29:19,397 --> 01:29:21,649
Do you want any fries
or drink with that?

1971
01:29:24,485 --> 01:29:26,028
I'll take four fries.

1972
01:29:27,363 --> 01:29:28,614
I'm sorry.

1973
01:29:42,795 --> 01:29:44,005
Fuck!

1974
01:29:51,429 --> 01:29:52,430
...your life
dramatically.

1975
01:29:53,764 --> 01:29:56,476
Um, so then I started
keeping this journal.

1976
01:29:56,559 --> 01:29:58,644
And the journal is,
like, you know,

1977
01:29:58,728 --> 01:30:02,440
me overcompensating
and trying to act like

1978
01:30:02,523 --> 01:30:05,485
I'm living this, like, cool,
rock-and-roll lifestyle.

1979
01:30:06,569 --> 01:30:08,779
When, in reality,
I'm in third grade,

1980
01:30:09,030 --> 01:30:10,156
crying all the time.

1981
01:30:10,281 --> 01:30:12,408
Hey, man,
Montreal Finals. You ready?

1982
01:30:13,367 --> 01:30:15,536
Oh, wait, are you getting all,
like, dark and moody

1983
01:30:15,620 --> 01:30:16,787
before your set?

1984
01:30:16,954 --> 01:30:19,790
Yeah, punish yourself
like a nasty, little baby.

1985
01:30:19,874 --> 01:30:22,543
Okay, okay, I am not
in the mood, okay, Chris?

1986
01:30:22,710 --> 01:30:24,253
I'll get you in the mood.

1987
01:30:24,378 --> 01:30:26,714
- You all right?
- I'll get you all in the mood!

1988
01:30:26,797 --> 01:30:28,758
Why is everybody saying
the same fucking thing?

1989
01:30:28,841 --> 01:30:30,009
- Yeah, I decide...
- Dude, are you all right?

1990
01:30:30,092 --> 01:30:31,135
Yeah, I'm doing great.

1991
01:30:31,219 --> 01:30:33,179
Okay, all right, dude,
I'm just checking on you.

1992
01:30:33,679 --> 01:30:35,932
It would have stuff,
like, you know, like,

1993
01:30:36,015 --> 01:30:37,558
an in-unit washer and dryer...

1994
01:30:39,519 --> 01:30:40,770
The fuck have you been, man?

1995
01:30:41,229 --> 01:30:43,022
- You're on next.
- Okay, okay.

1996
01:30:44,607 --> 01:30:46,275
Thank you, guys.
I love you.

1997
01:30:48,778 --> 01:30:49,904
Hello?

1998
01:30:49,987 --> 01:30:51,531
<i>Kumail, is that you?</i>

1999
01:30:51,614 --> 01:30:53,199
- Yeah.
<i>- It's Terry.</i>

2000
01:30:53,533 --> 01:30:55,451
<i>Uh, listen,
we're not moving her.</i>

2001
01:30:56,035 --> 01:30:57,286
<i>The doctor, they said...</i>

2002
01:31:14,136 --> 01:31:15,096
Have you guys heard of this

2003
01:31:15,179 --> 01:31:16,931
new drug cocktail
called cheese?

2004
01:31:18,140 --> 01:31:20,685
Like, that's the name of it,
it's called cheese.

2005
01:31:20,977 --> 01:31:23,938
Um... I saw all these news
reports, and they were like,

2006
01:31:24,021 --> 01:31:25,815
"There's a new drug,
it's called cheese.

2007
01:31:26,440 --> 01:31:27,900
"Everyone's doing it
in the Midwest.

2008
01:31:27,984 --> 01:31:29,026
"Kids are doing it."

2009
01:31:36,701 --> 01:31:38,619
It's just really hard
to do stand-up comedy

2010
01:31:38,703 --> 01:31:40,204
when your girlfriend
is in a coma.

2011
01:31:42,790 --> 01:31:43,916
Uh...

2012
01:31:44,166 --> 01:31:47,003
Not quite sure what part
you were laughing at.

2013
01:31:49,797 --> 01:31:51,132
They say she's fighting,
but she doesn't look like

2014
01:31:51,215 --> 01:31:53,050
she's fighting,
she looks like she's just...

2015
01:31:53,593 --> 01:31:54,969
She looks like
she's just laying there.

2016
01:31:57,179 --> 01:32:00,558
I said horrible things to her,
and, um,

2017
01:32:00,766 --> 01:32:03,519
I said horrible things to her,
I h-- I hurt her.

2018
01:32:03,978 --> 01:32:05,229
Um...

2019
01:32:06,022 --> 01:32:07,398
She loves birds.

2020
01:32:07,481 --> 01:32:09,025
Like, she gets excited
every time she sees a bird.

2021
01:32:09,108 --> 01:32:10,276
She's like,

2022
01:32:10,359 --> 01:32:11,652
"Look at this, it's a bird."

2023
01:32:11,736 --> 01:32:14,447
I'm always like, "Yeah,
they're all over the place.

2024
01:32:14,530 --> 01:32:15,656
"They're birds."

2025
01:32:15,740 --> 01:32:17,033
But she, like...

2026
01:32:17,116 --> 01:32:18,534
She likes that bird, you know?

2027
01:32:18,618 --> 01:32:20,494
Every bird she sees,
she sees it.

2028
01:32:24,957 --> 01:32:26,417
Her dad just called

2029
01:32:26,500 --> 01:32:29,045
and said that they can't
transfer her

2030
01:32:31,172 --> 01:32:33,591
because the infection
has reached her heart.

2031
01:32:36,093 --> 01:32:37,261
Uh...

2032
01:32:39,472 --> 01:32:40,348
Which...

2033
01:32:40,556 --> 01:32:42,600
Which means she...

2034
01:32:45,353 --> 01:32:47,104
Which means she could die.

2035
01:32:54,153 --> 01:32:56,614
I don't know if you can
hear me or not, but...

2036
01:32:59,617 --> 01:33:03,496
...it would be really good
if you pulled through.

2037
01:33:05,664 --> 01:33:08,709
If you have to go,
you can go, but...

2038
01:33:10,086 --> 01:33:11,962
It would be really great
if you stayed.

2039
01:33:13,130 --> 01:33:14,173
Uh...

2040
01:33:14,423 --> 01:33:18,135
And I'm really sorry
for what I did, okay?

2041
01:33:51,085 --> 01:33:53,254
<i>Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.</i>

2042
01:33:53,337 --> 01:33:55,548
<i>Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.</i>

2043
01:34:15,693 --> 01:34:17,570
Mom.

2044
01:34:17,862 --> 01:34:20,406
You're getting your tears
all over me.

2045
01:34:20,781 --> 01:34:22,908
When am I gonna be able
to feel my face?

2046
01:34:22,992 --> 01:34:24,160
Hmm.

2047
01:34:24,243 --> 01:34:25,870
Hey, you gave us
quite a scare there, scout.

2048
01:34:25,995 --> 01:34:27,371
- Really.
- Scout?

2049
01:34:27,455 --> 01:34:28,998
Come on,
I call you that all the time.

2050
01:34:29,081 --> 01:34:30,416
No, not since

2051
01:34:30,499 --> 01:34:31,625
- I was a grown-up.
- Yes, I do.

2052
01:34:31,750 --> 01:34:33,002
I've been calling you that
my whole life.

2053
01:34:33,085 --> 01:34:35,171
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

2054
01:34:35,504 --> 01:34:36,881
Oh.

2055
01:34:36,964 --> 01:34:38,424
- Sorry, hon.
- What's happening?

2056
01:34:38,549 --> 01:34:40,926
- You okay? You all right?
- What is that crap?

2057
01:34:41,010 --> 01:34:42,803
We have to thicken
your liquids for a bit.

2058
01:34:42,887 --> 01:34:45,431
Your esophagus isn't strong
enough to swallow yet.

2059
01:34:45,764 --> 01:34:46,849
That shit tastes like semen.

2060
01:34:46,932 --> 01:34:47,975
That's nice

2061
01:34:48,058 --> 01:34:49,518
- for a father to hear.
- She won't have

2062
01:34:49,602 --> 01:34:50,769
any social inhibitions
until the...

2063
01:34:50,853 --> 01:34:51,937
The anesthetic wears off.

2064
01:34:52,021 --> 01:34:53,105
Seriously, Mom,
you should try this.

2065
01:34:53,230 --> 01:34:55,024
- No, wait a minute, honey.
- Stop saying that.

2066
01:34:55,107 --> 01:34:56,150
- Not the cup.
- Oh, come on,

2067
01:34:56,233 --> 01:34:57,318
come on, come on.

2068
01:34:58,068 --> 01:35:00,696
They'll charge us $48 for it,
don't worry about it.

2069
01:35:02,698 --> 01:35:03,824
Why are you here?

2070
01:35:03,949 --> 01:35:06,035
I-- I haven't
heard her voice in a while.

2071
01:35:06,118 --> 01:35:07,828
He's been...
He's been here the whole time.

2072
01:35:08,329 --> 01:35:10,748
Could I speak
with you both outside?

2073
01:35:10,831 --> 01:35:11,665
Yeah.

2074
01:35:12,458 --> 01:35:14,043
- We'll be right back.
- Yeah, we'll be right outside.

2075
01:35:14,126 --> 01:35:15,211
All right.

2076
01:35:21,759 --> 01:35:23,594
Hey.

2077
01:35:23,677 --> 01:35:25,095
Emily has a rare condition

2078
01:35:25,179 --> 01:35:27,640
called adult-onset
Still's disease.

2079
01:35:28,057 --> 01:35:30,434
Kumail mentioned
Emily's hurt ankle,

2080
01:35:30,684 --> 01:35:32,561
and the swelling
still hadn't gone down

2081
01:35:32,645 --> 01:35:34,271
even after several days
in bed,

2082
01:35:34,396 --> 01:35:35,731
- which is strange.
- Mmm.

2083
01:35:35,814 --> 01:35:38,943
Still's disease is when
the body thinks healthy tissue

2084
01:35:39,026 --> 01:35:41,654
is an infection,
so it tries to fight it.

2085
01:35:41,737 --> 01:35:42,988
- Uh-huh.
- It's like a big

2086
01:35:43,155 --> 01:35:44,949
biological misunderstanding.

2087
01:35:45,074 --> 01:35:46,283
- Yeah, yeah.
- So,

2088
01:35:46,367 --> 01:35:48,160
we gave her
anti-inflammatories,

2089
01:35:48,244 --> 01:35:49,828
and she stabilized
within hours.

2090
01:35:49,912 --> 01:35:51,956
She's gonna take time
to recover,

2091
01:35:52,039 --> 01:35:53,666
but she'll be fine.

2092
01:35:53,916 --> 01:35:56,001
- Wow.
- Full recovery.

2093
01:35:57,169 --> 01:35:58,629
What are you doing here?

2094
01:35:59,338 --> 01:36:00,756
I was visiting someone
down the hall,

2095
01:36:00,839 --> 01:36:02,049
and I was, like,
I'll just pop in

2096
01:36:02,132 --> 01:36:03,801
- and say hi to Emily.
- Oh.

2097
01:36:03,884 --> 01:36:06,428
No, I'm joking.
I'm here for you.

2098
01:36:07,054 --> 01:36:09,890
You're an asshole,
and I don't like you.

2099
01:36:10,140 --> 01:36:12,476
I'm not an asshole.
I'm really not.

2100
01:36:12,560 --> 01:36:13,936
Oh, no, you're an asshole.

2101
01:36:14,019 --> 01:36:14,979
You have a lot of drugs
in you,

2102
01:36:15,062 --> 01:36:16,730
so you're, like,
not thinking as clearly.

2103
01:36:16,814 --> 01:36:19,650
No, dawg, I'm not joking.

2104
01:36:20,025 --> 01:36:21,610
You're not funny to me.

2105
01:36:22,236 --> 01:36:23,571
You just make me sad.

2106
01:36:23,946 --> 01:36:26,073
You make me sad
inside of my heart,

2107
01:36:26,156 --> 01:36:27,825
and it makes me sad
to look at you.

2108
01:36:28,784 --> 01:36:31,328
So, I think you should
probably go.

2109
01:36:32,788 --> 01:36:35,249
Just go,
and tell my mom I want her.

2110
01:36:38,669 --> 01:36:40,671
Will you please get my mom?

2111
01:36:44,508 --> 01:36:47,011
- I'm so sorry about that.
- Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.

2112
01:36:48,262 --> 01:36:49,972
Um, Emily wants to see you.

2113
01:36:50,055 --> 01:36:51,056
Oh.

2114
01:36:53,601 --> 01:36:55,185
Um, I'm gonna head out.

2115
01:36:55,728 --> 01:36:57,187
I don't think
I should be here.

2116
01:36:58,522 --> 01:37:00,274
Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.

2117
01:37:01,025 --> 01:37:03,068
Your living condition,
it's, uh...

2118
01:37:03,402 --> 01:37:04,903
It's a potential health risk.

2119
01:37:06,488 --> 01:37:08,449
And you're not that funny.

2120
01:37:09,408 --> 01:37:13,537
But you're probably not suited
to do anything else either,

2121
01:37:13,621 --> 01:37:14,913
so that's troublesome.

2122
01:37:14,997 --> 01:37:16,498
You really made it sound
like you were gonna

2123
01:37:16,582 --> 01:37:18,834
say something positive there.

2124
01:37:18,917 --> 01:37:20,628
Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?

2125
01:37:21,295 --> 01:37:22,963
Well, you know...

2126
01:37:24,840 --> 01:37:26,175
You know I know
the good stuff.

2127
01:37:26,258 --> 01:37:27,343
I know the good stuff.

2128
01:37:27,468 --> 01:37:28,844
I don't know, so you know...

2129
01:37:28,927 --> 01:37:30,429
You know how I feel.
I got to...

2130
01:37:31,555 --> 01:37:32,806
- I got to get in.
- Yeah.

2131
01:37:36,477 --> 01:37:38,145
What'd I miss?
What'd I miss?

2132
01:37:38,228 --> 01:37:40,439
Brick on top of
the grilled cheese and...

2133
01:37:40,522 --> 01:37:41,607
Yeah.

2134
01:37:41,690 --> 01:37:43,233
Yeah, I want that.

2135
01:37:43,400 --> 01:37:45,277
- Be right back.
- Bacon or something...

2136
01:37:47,446 --> 01:37:49,406
- Hey.
- Hey.

2137
01:37:50,282 --> 01:37:52,242
So you're gonna hang around
Chicago for a while?

2138
01:37:52,326 --> 01:37:53,285
Yeah.

2139
01:37:53,369 --> 01:37:55,454
- She's got physical therapy.
- Oh.

2140
01:37:56,205 --> 01:37:58,499
Did you ever think
you'd be excited

2141
01:37:58,582 --> 01:38:00,918
to have your daughter
go through physical therapy?

2142
01:38:02,628 --> 01:38:04,004
It's so strange
that we could go through

2143
01:38:04,088 --> 01:38:05,839
one of the most intense
experiences

2144
01:38:05,923 --> 01:38:07,675
of our lives together
and just...

2145
01:38:09,009 --> 01:38:10,928
Just never see
each other again.

2146
01:38:11,762 --> 01:38:12,930
Maybe.

2147
01:38:16,975 --> 01:38:18,394
But I hope not.

2148
01:38:32,324 --> 01:38:33,909
...threw a bird at you,
and then ran away,

2149
01:38:33,992 --> 01:38:35,202
and you're like, "Oh, crap!

2150
01:38:35,285 --> 01:38:36,412
"I own a bird now!"

2151
01:38:36,870 --> 01:38:38,706
Hi, little sad man.

2152
01:38:38,789 --> 01:38:39,873
Mopey boy.

2153
01:38:39,957 --> 01:38:40,833
Hey.

2154
01:38:40,916 --> 01:38:42,042
We have something
to tell you.

2155
01:38:42,126 --> 01:38:43,460
Yes. Tell him.

2156
01:38:43,544 --> 01:38:45,421
- We're moving to New York.
- New York.

2157
01:38:45,504 --> 01:38:46,630
- What?
- Mm-hmm.

2158
01:38:46,714 --> 01:38:48,382
And we want you
to come with us.

2159
01:38:48,465 --> 01:38:49,717
Are you serious?

2160
01:38:49,800 --> 01:38:51,802
You got to do it.
It's gonna suck at first,

2161
01:38:51,885 --> 01:38:53,053
but we're gonna
have each other,

2162
01:38:53,137 --> 01:38:54,513
and maybe we'll eventually
get paid to write jokes.

2163
01:38:54,596 --> 01:38:55,597
Mm-hmm.
- It's gonna be the best.

2164
01:38:55,681 --> 01:38:56,557
Come on, dude.

2165
01:38:56,640 --> 01:38:57,474
You have to come.

2166
01:38:58,100 --> 01:39:00,352
I know you did not
get Montreal,

2167
01:39:00,436 --> 01:39:02,354
and that is only because

2168
01:39:02,438 --> 01:39:04,440
you did one of the worst sets
I've ever seen

2169
01:39:04,523 --> 01:39:06,108
in my goddamn life.

2170
01:39:06,316 --> 01:39:07,693
- Yeah.
- It was nonsense.

2171
01:39:07,776 --> 01:39:09,069
A living disgrace.

2172
01:39:09,153 --> 01:39:11,905
I would call it shit,
but I would be worried

2173
01:39:11,989 --> 01:39:14,074
that I'd be insulting
actual shit.

2174
01:39:14,199 --> 01:39:16,994
Yeah, it was
so bone-chilling to me,

2175
01:39:17,077 --> 01:39:19,496
I thought a ghost had
passed right through me.

2176
01:39:19,580 --> 01:39:20,581
We don't have to
keep going over

2177
01:39:20,664 --> 01:39:21,749
how bad the set was.

2178
01:39:21,832 --> 01:39:22,916
I saw their faces

2179
01:39:23,000 --> 01:39:24,251
and the noises
they didn't make.

2180
01:39:24,376 --> 01:39:26,086
I felt one of my eggs die.

2181
01:39:26,170 --> 01:39:27,629
Doesn't that happen,
like, every month?

2182
01:39:27,713 --> 01:39:29,339
It happens every month,
Kumail,

2183
01:39:29,423 --> 01:39:31,258
but I don't always
feel it and go...

2184
01:39:36,138 --> 01:39:37,222
And that's what
you made me do.

2185
01:39:37,306 --> 01:39:38,599
- Yeah.
- I...

2186
01:39:38,682 --> 01:39:41,727
I'm packing my things up,
and I'm moving to New York,

2187
01:39:41,810 --> 01:39:44,271
and guess what, baby.
You're coming with me.

2188
01:39:44,563 --> 01:39:45,606
What about Chris?

2189
01:39:45,689 --> 01:39:46,690
Have you ever seen a pigeon

2190
01:39:46,774 --> 01:39:48,317
try and pick up
another pigeon?

2191
01:39:48,734 --> 01:39:50,068
He will be fine.

2192
01:39:50,152 --> 01:39:52,780
There's not enough room
in the car, probably.

2193
01:39:52,863 --> 01:39:54,281
We leave in a week. All right?

2194
01:39:54,615 --> 01:39:56,617
And I already called shotgun,
Chicago to Pittsburgh.

2195
01:39:56,700 --> 01:39:57,701
Do not fuck this up.

2196
01:39:57,826 --> 01:39:59,203
Your destiny awaits.

2197
01:39:59,286 --> 01:40:00,871
This'll be the biggest
move of your life,

2198
01:40:00,954 --> 01:40:02,873
other than the one
from Pakistan.

2199
01:40:02,956 --> 01:40:05,000
Yeah.

2200
01:40:05,083 --> 01:40:07,085
I didn't have any kind
of epiphany or anything...

2201
01:40:07,169 --> 01:40:09,213
Hey, clink, clink, clink,
clink, clink.

2202
01:40:10,130 --> 01:40:12,341
Hey, everybody. Thank you
for, uh, for coming.

2203
01:40:12,424 --> 01:40:14,051
I just want to say
a couple, uh...

2204
01:40:14,176 --> 01:40:15,385
A couple of words here.

2205
01:40:15,469 --> 01:40:17,429
Mom, why is Kumail here?

2206
01:40:18,305 --> 01:40:20,307
'Cause he was there
the whole time, you know.

2207
01:40:20,766 --> 01:40:23,685
I invited the nurses,
I invited him.

2208
01:40:24,353 --> 01:40:25,813
And, um, for...

2209
01:40:25,896 --> 01:40:27,481
Emily, come on up,
come on up here.

2210
01:40:27,564 --> 01:40:28,607
I want to say something.

2211
01:40:28,690 --> 01:40:29,900
- I want to say something.
- Dad.

2212
01:40:29,983 --> 01:40:31,109
Talk
amongst yourselves.

2213
01:40:31,193 --> 01:40:33,862
This might take a...

2214
01:40:33,946 --> 01:40:36,615
Emily successfully peeled
an orange this morning.

2215
01:40:36,698 --> 01:40:38,242
- Dad!
- Yeah.

2216
01:40:38,325 --> 01:40:40,327
It was... It was a clementine.

2217
01:40:40,410 --> 01:40:42,204
Full disclosure, a clementine.

2218
01:40:42,287 --> 01:40:44,081
It's those little ones
that, you know,

2219
01:40:44,373 --> 01:40:46,500
a baby monkey could peel it.

2220
01:40:46,583 --> 01:40:48,293
But, uh, but she did it.

2221
01:40:48,585 --> 01:40:50,629
And... And, yeah, so that's all.
We just...

2222
01:40:50,712 --> 01:40:52,965
Thank you, everybody. Hey...

2223
01:40:56,218 --> 01:40:57,302
Hi.

2224
01:40:58,720 --> 01:41:00,138
I like your cane.

2225
01:41:01,181 --> 01:41:04,059
- I heard pimpin' ain't easy.
- Right.

2226
01:41:04,768 --> 01:41:06,520
Hey, could we talk
for a second?

2227
01:41:06,603 --> 01:41:07,771
Sure.

2228
01:41:12,860 --> 01:41:14,903
So I've been collecting
some things, uh,

2229
01:41:14,987 --> 01:41:16,196
that are important to me,

2230
01:41:16,280 --> 01:41:17,823
and I wanted to
show them to you.

2231
01:41:18,866 --> 01:41:20,784
I call this
my bag of devotion.

2232
01:41:23,203 --> 01:41:28,333
Uh, so this is, uh,
all the visitor passes

2233
01:41:28,417 --> 01:41:30,878
from when I visited you
when you were in the...

2234
01:41:31,044 --> 01:41:32,212
um...

2235
01:41:40,178 --> 01:41:42,931
So... these are the tickets

2236
01:41:43,015 --> 01:41:45,726
from when your parents
came to see me perform,

2237
01:41:46,184 --> 01:41:49,688
and, uh, I-- I realized
how great they are,

2238
01:41:49,980 --> 01:41:53,400
and how great you are,

2239
01:41:53,692 --> 01:41:56,028
and how great honesty is.

2240
01:41:59,531 --> 01:42:00,699
What did you do?

2241
01:42:00,866 --> 01:42:02,701
Did you cremate someone?

2242
01:42:02,826 --> 01:42:06,038
These are the ashes
of all the Pakistani women...

2243
01:42:06,872 --> 01:42:07,956
Not the women--

2244
01:42:08,165 --> 01:42:10,542
The pictures of
the Pakistani women.

2245
01:42:11,168 --> 01:42:14,421
I thought this was a good idea,
and it feels kind of...

2246
01:42:14,922 --> 01:42:16,298
It feels a little stupid.

2247
01:42:25,641 --> 01:42:27,768
I know I was
a terrible boyfriend,

2248
01:42:29,645 --> 01:42:31,271
but I have changed.

2249
01:42:31,605 --> 01:42:33,482
And I am the person
you need me to be.

2250
01:42:33,565 --> 01:42:34,733
I really am.

2251
01:42:35,108 --> 01:42:36,526
So...

2252
01:42:38,654 --> 01:42:40,155
Will you take me back?

2253
01:42:42,491 --> 01:42:44,618
Kumail, I'm really glad
that you...

2254
01:42:45,994 --> 01:42:48,705
went through this experience,

2255
01:42:50,207 --> 01:42:51,625
but you have
to understand that

2256
01:42:51,708 --> 01:42:53,794
that all happened
when I was asleep.

2257
01:42:54,836 --> 01:42:57,839
Like, you felt one way
a few weeks ago,

2258
01:42:57,923 --> 01:43:00,592
and now you're saying you feel
the total opposite way,

2259
01:43:00,676 --> 01:43:01,885
and the only thing
that's changed

2260
01:43:01,969 --> 01:43:03,261
is that I was in a coma.

2261
01:43:03,470 --> 01:43:05,263
Honestly, I-- I--

2262
01:43:06,765 --> 01:43:08,809
I look at all of this,
and I just think,

2263
01:43:08,892 --> 01:43:10,519
you know,
I just can't do it again.

2264
01:43:10,936 --> 01:43:12,020
- And I can't...
- I...

2265
01:43:12,104 --> 01:43:15,983
I can't be the reason
that you don't have a family.

2266
01:43:20,570 --> 01:43:22,364
It just feels
totally different now.

2267
01:43:23,532 --> 01:43:25,367
And I can't do that again.

2268
01:43:27,828 --> 01:43:29,329
Do you understand?

2269
01:43:34,042 --> 01:43:35,210
- Okay.
- Okay?

2270
01:43:35,293 --> 01:43:37,421
Okay.

2271
01:44:47,991 --> 01:44:49,117
Sorry.

2272
01:44:49,743 --> 01:44:50,619
Ma.

2273
01:44:51,995 --> 01:44:52,829
Dad.

2274
01:44:52,913 --> 01:44:54,998
Fatima<i>. Bhai. Kya haal hai?</i>

2275
01:44:55,707 --> 01:44:57,167
Oh, there's no plate.

2276
01:45:01,088 --> 01:45:01,922
Oh.

2277
01:45:02,839 --> 01:45:05,050
Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided

2278
01:45:05,133 --> 01:45:07,052
I won't let you
kick me out of the family.

2279
01:45:07,385 --> 01:45:09,096
Since I'm a member
of the family,

2280
01:45:09,179 --> 01:45:10,889
it would stand to reason
that I would get a vote

2281
01:45:11,014 --> 01:45:12,891
in whether or not
I get kicked out,

2282
01:45:12,974 --> 01:45:15,143
and that vote would have
to be unanimous,

2283
01:45:15,227 --> 01:45:16,686
standard parliamentary
procedure.

2284
01:45:16,770 --> 01:45:19,898
So, all those in favor
of not kicking Kumail

2285
01:45:19,981 --> 01:45:21,691
out of the family,
raise your hand.

2286
01:45:24,277 --> 01:45:27,364
Great. Motion to kick Kumail
out of the family denied.

2287
01:45:27,864 --> 01:45:29,616
So, you guys can
just talk to me.

2288
01:45:31,785 --> 01:45:33,620
Okay, you're giving me
the silent treatment.

2289
01:45:34,579 --> 01:45:36,998
I figured that was
what was gonna happen.

2290
01:45:37,082 --> 01:45:38,500
I have a solution.

2291
01:45:38,583 --> 01:45:41,253
So, "Hi, how are you?"

2292
01:45:41,378 --> 01:45:43,296
That's just a real basic one.
You know.

2293
01:45:44,548 --> 01:45:47,008
"Pass the salt."
Practical.

2294
01:45:48,593 --> 01:45:50,303
"Always with the comedy."

2295
01:45:50,387 --> 01:45:53,473
Mom, made that one
specially for you.

2296
01:45:54,224 --> 01:45:57,394
"Kumail, how did you become
so much more handsome

2297
01:45:57,477 --> 01:45:59,521
"than your brother NAVEED?"

2298
01:45:59,604 --> 01:46:00,981
Bullshit.

2299
01:46:04,943 --> 01:46:06,778
I admit, this one is designed

2300
01:46:06,862 --> 01:46:08,446
to stir up some controversy.

2301
01:46:10,490 --> 01:46:12,033
"It's interesting
how you can't really

2302
01:46:12,117 --> 01:46:13,994
"kick someone out
of your family because

2303
01:46:14,119 --> 01:46:17,747
"they will always be
your family."

2304
01:46:20,041 --> 01:46:22,210
I agree with that one.
That's a good one.

2305
01:46:22,627 --> 01:46:26,590
So, I'm gonna leave these
here for you.

2306
01:46:32,053 --> 01:46:33,847
I am sorry I lied
about the girls

2307
01:46:33,930 --> 01:46:35,473
and the LSAT and all of that.

2308
01:46:35,557 --> 01:46:36,683
That was wrong.

2309
01:46:37,100 --> 01:46:38,393
And one more thing.

2310
01:46:38,518 --> 01:46:41,563
I'm moving to New York
to pursue stand-up,

2311
01:46:42,564 --> 01:46:45,817
but I am not leaving
this family.

2312
01:47:05,462 --> 01:47:09,132
<i>My parents, um, they want
me to get arrange married.</i>

2313
01:47:09,299 --> 01:47:13,094
<i>Or, as it's, uh,
called in Pakistan, romance!</i>

2314
01:47:13,178 --> 01:47:14,221
<i>And earlier today,</i>

2315
01:47:14,304 --> 01:47:15,597
<i>I told them everything.
I told them</i>

2316
01:47:15,680 --> 01:47:18,558
<i>about my life,
I told them about Emily.</i>

2317
01:47:19,392 --> 01:47:21,394
<i>They kicked me
out of the family.</i>

2318
01:47:21,853 --> 01:47:23,396
<i>I may never
talk to them again.</i>

2319
01:47:24,022 --> 01:47:25,607
<i>So, that happened.</i>

2320
01:47:26,233 --> 01:47:28,026
- What is it?
- Can I come in?

2321
01:47:29,110 --> 01:47:30,278
Okay.

2322
01:47:30,904 --> 01:47:31,988
I swear, you and Dad

2323
01:47:32,072 --> 01:47:33,657
are just like
my freshman year roommate,

2324
01:47:33,740 --> 01:47:36,243
but instead of just,
like, boning random dudes,

2325
01:47:36,326 --> 01:47:38,161
you're just parenting
all the time.

2326
01:47:39,412 --> 01:47:42,457
All over the place.
In every room of the house.

2327
01:47:43,500 --> 01:47:45,210
Including right next to me.

2328
01:47:48,797 --> 01:47:50,048
We got to go.

2329
01:47:51,007 --> 01:47:52,008
Home?

2330
01:47:52,300 --> 01:47:53,343
- No.
- Yeah.

2331
01:47:53,510 --> 01:47:54,594
It's time.

2332
01:47:56,388 --> 01:47:57,806
I'm not ready.

2333
01:47:58,181 --> 01:47:59,224
Yeah, you know what?

2334
01:47:59,516 --> 01:48:00,725
You're strong.

2335
01:48:01,685 --> 01:48:02,852
And you are.

2336
01:48:06,773 --> 01:48:09,859
And we would go to the mosque
and hear graphic details

2337
01:48:09,943 --> 01:48:12,487
of religious people
being killed 1,400 years ago.

2338
01:48:12,570 --> 01:48:15,573
I mean, like,
Tarantino-esque details.

2339
01:48:15,657 --> 01:48:17,158
And everyone would be crying,

2340
01:48:17,242 --> 01:48:19,995
like, competing to see
who could cry the hardest.

2341
01:48:20,120 --> 01:48:21,913
And I could never cry.

2342
01:48:22,122 --> 01:48:23,415
And I was like,
what is wrong with me?

2343
01:48:23,498 --> 01:48:24,332
Am I broken?

2344
01:48:24,541 --> 01:48:26,001
The only time
I've cried that much

2345
01:48:26,084 --> 01:48:28,169
is during
the first 15 minutes of <i>Up.</i>

2346
01:48:30,422 --> 01:48:32,257
This is a picture of me
and my mother.

2347
01:48:32,507 --> 01:48:33,925
I'm seven years old.

2348
01:48:34,217 --> 01:48:37,137
You know people, they talk
about the-- the New York water.

2349
01:48:37,429 --> 01:48:39,597
Chicago water
is very underrated, I think.

2350
01:48:39,723 --> 01:48:40,640
It's good.

2351
01:48:40,765 --> 01:48:42,017
Hey, guys.

2352
01:48:42,100 --> 01:48:44,644
I think I might
just pop out for a bit.

2353
01:48:45,103 --> 01:48:46,438
What, by yourself?

2354
01:48:46,896 --> 01:48:49,149
Yeah, just hop
around the block.

2355
01:48:49,399 --> 01:48:50,900
Maybe get some frozen yogurt.

2356
01:48:51,026 --> 01:48:52,319
You okay?
Can you do it?

2357
01:48:52,402 --> 01:48:53,903
Can you walk by yourself?

2358
01:48:53,987 --> 01:48:55,238
- Yeah, Dad.
- All right.

2359
01:48:55,613 --> 01:48:56,489
Have fun.

2360
01:48:56,781 --> 01:48:58,992
If you feel a coma
coming on, call us.

2361
01:48:59,242 --> 01:49:01,036
- Dad, it's too soon.
- Right.

2362
01:49:02,245 --> 01:49:03,580
I love you,
I'll see you in the morning.

2363
01:49:03,663 --> 01:49:04,748
- Love you.
- Bye.

2364
01:49:04,831 --> 01:49:05,707
Okay. Love you. Bye.

2365
01:49:05,790 --> 01:49:07,250
- Have fun.
- I will.

2366
01:49:07,334 --> 01:49:08,752
- Got your phone?
- Yep.

2367
01:49:11,629 --> 01:49:12,589
But you liked it, huh?

2368
01:49:12,672 --> 01:49:14,341
Yeah. I mean...

2369
01:49:15,925 --> 01:49:16,760
Yeah.

2370
01:49:17,093 --> 01:49:18,386
I mean...

2371
01:49:22,140 --> 01:49:23,975
- Hey.
- Hi.

2372
01:49:26,394 --> 01:49:28,355
- What are you doing here?
- Uh...

2373
01:49:28,438 --> 01:49:29,439
I was in the neighborhood,

2374
01:49:29,522 --> 01:49:32,108
and I saw that you were
gonna be here,

2375
01:49:32,192 --> 01:49:34,778
so I thought I'd come say hi.

2376
01:49:35,570 --> 01:49:36,613
You look great.

2377
01:49:36,988 --> 01:49:38,448
How's your blood oxygen level?

2378
01:49:38,656 --> 01:49:40,825
Oh, well within range.

2379
01:49:40,992 --> 01:49:42,869
Nice.

2380
01:49:44,579 --> 01:49:48,583
Um, this is my brother,
NAVEED.

2381
01:49:49,250 --> 01:49:51,086
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. I'm Emily.

2382
01:49:51,169 --> 01:49:52,587
I've heard lots about you.

2383
01:49:52,879 --> 01:49:54,422
It's so good
to finally meet you.

2384
01:49:54,506 --> 01:49:55,548
Yeah.

2385
01:49:57,550 --> 01:50:00,887
There's actually something
I wanted to, uh, tell you.

2386
01:50:05,100 --> 01:50:07,477
Okay, well, I'm gonna just...

2387
01:50:08,561 --> 01:50:09,729
- Good-bye.
- Bye.

2388
01:50:11,398 --> 01:50:12,774
See you, <i>Bhai.</i>

2389
01:50:24,077 --> 01:50:25,370
Are you warm enough?

2390
01:50:26,204 --> 01:50:28,581
Yeah, yeah. I got
my two pairs of socks on.

2391
01:51:01,114 --> 01:51:02,532
Do you mind?

2392
01:51:04,617 --> 01:51:05,785
No.

2393
01:51:15,462 --> 01:51:17,630
I'm glad
we're going home tomorrow.

2394
01:51:18,339 --> 01:51:19,716
Me, too.

2395
01:51:20,800 --> 01:51:22,719
See? I should've
brushed my teeth.

2396
01:51:24,596 --> 01:51:25,847
I like it.

2397
01:51:27,056 --> 01:51:28,850
When something
like this happens,

2398
01:51:28,975 --> 01:51:30,477
there's this
sort of expectation

2399
01:51:30,560 --> 01:51:32,604
that you're gonna
have this completely,

2400
01:51:32,979 --> 01:51:34,939
like, new lease on life, and...

2401
01:51:36,107 --> 01:51:38,109
feel totally different
about everything,

2402
01:51:38,193 --> 01:51:41,613
and, like,
cherish every sunrise,

2403
01:51:42,697 --> 01:51:44,282
and, like, for the most part,

2404
01:51:44,365 --> 01:51:46,534
I just feel like, ugh,
I can't get up that early.

2405
01:51:47,118 --> 01:51:48,661
You know?

2406
01:51:51,706 --> 01:51:52,707
I'm sorry, I feel like

2407
01:51:52,790 --> 01:51:54,083
I've been talking
about myself so much.

2408
01:51:54,167 --> 01:51:55,001
No.

2409
01:51:55,084 --> 01:51:56,085
Are you doing
a lot of stand-up?

2410
01:51:56,169 --> 01:51:58,630
- Are you...
- Yeah. I, uh,

2411
01:51:58,713 --> 01:52:02,675
bombed my Montreal
Comedy Festival audition.

2412
01:52:02,884 --> 01:52:04,052
Like, horrifically, like...

2413
01:52:04,135 --> 01:52:05,512
I saw the video.

2414
01:52:07,305 --> 01:52:08,181
Yeah.

2415
01:52:08,264 --> 01:52:09,849
- It wasn't great.
- No... No.

2416
01:52:09,933 --> 01:52:11,559
I'll be honest with you,
it wasn't great.

2417
01:52:11,643 --> 01:52:13,019
No. I know.

2418
01:52:13,228 --> 01:52:17,357
But there was a lot I liked.
Like a-- like a lot I liked.

2419
01:52:22,487 --> 01:52:24,030
I'm moving to New York.

2420
01:52:26,533 --> 01:52:27,659
Really?

2421
01:52:27,742 --> 01:52:28,952
Yeah, um...

2422
01:52:30,078 --> 01:52:31,788
Mary and CJ and I are, like...

2423
01:52:34,749 --> 01:52:38,127
Just gonna drive out, and we
have a place all ready, and...

2424
01:52:40,296 --> 01:52:42,715
- When do you leave?
- Next weekend.

2425
01:52:43,550 --> 01:52:46,386
I-- I'm so excited for you.
That is so great.

2426
01:52:46,636 --> 01:52:48,888
Like, you are going to just...

2427
01:52:49,222 --> 01:52:50,890
do so great in New York.

2428
01:52:54,352 --> 01:52:55,562
What were you gonna say?

2429
01:52:56,604 --> 01:52:57,647
What?

2430
01:52:58,273 --> 01:53:00,275
You said you were gonna
say something to me.

2431
01:53:01,317 --> 01:53:02,485
What was it?

2432
01:53:05,530 --> 01:53:08,449
Oh, just that I, um,
I wanted to thank you.

2433
01:53:09,576 --> 01:53:10,743
Uh, my parents told me

2434
01:53:10,827 --> 01:53:12,161
everything
that you did for me,

2435
01:53:12,245 --> 01:53:13,705
and I feel like
the last time we spoke,

2436
01:53:13,788 --> 01:53:15,582
I didn't properly
thank you, so...

2437
01:53:15,873 --> 01:53:17,792
Oh. Yeah.

2438
01:53:18,293 --> 01:53:21,087
Totally fine.

2439
01:53:22,046 --> 01:53:23,506
I should probably go.

2440
01:53:23,590 --> 01:53:26,801
- Do you want to call an Uber?
- No, I'm gonna walk, actually.

2441
01:53:26,884 --> 01:53:29,470
So, this has been
really great.

2442
01:53:29,971 --> 01:53:31,014
All right.

2443
01:53:31,472 --> 01:53:33,683
- Okay, bye.
- Yeah.

2444
01:53:40,231 --> 01:53:41,274
The scene is gonna be, like,

2445
01:53:41,357 --> 01:53:42,859
so different
with you guys gone.

2446
01:53:43,359 --> 01:53:45,278
Well, you should come out.

2447
01:53:46,738 --> 01:53:48,531
No, I'm-- I'm good here.

2448
01:53:48,990 --> 01:53:51,159
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.

2449
01:53:53,161 --> 01:53:54,454
Get out of here, you assholes.

2450
01:53:54,537 --> 01:53:55,371
All right.

2451
01:53:55,455 --> 01:53:56,831
Come here,
you big dummy.

2452
01:53:58,625 --> 01:54:00,001
- Bye.
- I'll miss you.

2453
01:54:06,591 --> 01:54:08,343
You're still kicked out
of the family.

2454
01:54:08,593 --> 01:54:10,511
But because we did not
get a proper chance

2455
01:54:10,595 --> 01:54:11,512
to say bye to you, so...

2456
01:54:13,264 --> 01:54:15,475
Your mother
is so angry with you.

2457
01:54:16,225 --> 01:54:17,560
She's not going to
get out of the car.

2458
01:54:17,644 --> 01:54:18,770
She's not even going
to look at you.

2459
01:54:19,687 --> 01:54:21,522
I don't believe that you kept
so much of secret

2460
01:54:21,606 --> 01:54:22,774
from me, your father.

2461
01:54:23,816 --> 01:54:24,901
Sorry.

2462
01:54:26,319 --> 01:54:27,362
Here.

2463
01:54:27,862 --> 01:54:29,280
She asked me
to give this to you.

2464
01:54:30,198 --> 01:54:31,240
Mutton biryani.

2465
01:54:31,491 --> 01:54:32,617
For your trip.

2466
01:54:32,909 --> 01:54:34,077
Your favorite.

2467
01:54:35,203 --> 01:54:38,414
She made it herself, specially
for you, with extra potatoes.

2468
01:54:40,124 --> 01:54:41,292
Thank you, Ma!

2469
01:54:43,169 --> 01:54:45,129
- Is she okay?
- Right now?

2470
01:54:45,254 --> 01:54:46,297
No.

2471
01:54:47,256 --> 01:54:48,216
I'll miss you.

2472
01:54:48,675 --> 01:54:51,094
I'm forbidden
from hugging you, so...

2473
01:54:52,970 --> 01:54:54,722
...it was nice to
have you as my son.

2474
01:54:56,766 --> 01:54:58,142
Good-bye forever.

2475
01:55:00,103 --> 01:55:02,230
And do me a favor,
when you reach New York,

2476
01:55:02,313 --> 01:55:06,067
just text us and tell us that
you've reached safely, okay?

2477
01:55:07,819 --> 01:55:09,070
I will.

2478
01:55:10,405 --> 01:55:11,864
Dad, can I ask you something?

2479
01:55:13,366 --> 01:55:15,535
When you and Mom
went on your first date,

2480
01:55:16,035 --> 01:55:17,412
what movie did you see?

2481
01:55:18,871 --> 01:55:20,164
<i>Satte Pe Satta.</i>

2482
01:55:25,628 --> 01:55:26,629
Her favorite song.

2483
01:55:27,255 --> 01:55:28,297
Why you asking?

2484
01:55:29,549 --> 01:55:30,842
I was just curious.

2485
01:55:31,217 --> 01:55:32,385
Okay.

2486
01:55:50,653 --> 01:55:51,696
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

2487
01:55:51,779 --> 01:55:52,613
- Okay.
- All right.

2488
01:55:52,697 --> 01:55:53,740
- See you later, dudes.
- Let's do it.

2489
01:55:53,823 --> 01:55:55,158
- See you.
- Hey, we'll text.

2490
01:55:55,241 --> 01:55:56,242
- Ooh, sorry.
- Yeah, please do.

2491
01:56:01,247 --> 01:56:03,332
<i>So, the first time
I came to America,</i>

2492
01:56:03,416 --> 01:56:04,625
<i>I was, like, 14,</i>

2493
01:56:04,709 --> 01:56:06,586
<i>and I was just visiting
my uncle in New York,</i>

2494
01:56:06,669 --> 01:56:08,379
<i>and it just happened
to be Thanksgiving.</i>

2495
01:56:08,671 --> 01:56:11,048
<i>My first day in America,
my uncle took me</i>

2496
01:56:11,132 --> 01:56:13,301
<i>to the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day parade.</i>

2497
01:56:14,510 --> 01:56:17,180
<i>And I was like, "This is
every day in America!"</i>

2498
01:56:17,889 --> 01:56:19,599
<i>As advertised.</i>

2499
01:56:20,433 --> 01:56:24,020
<i>Every day, they have a party
celebrating Garfield.</i>

2500
01:56:24,771 --> 01:56:26,981
No day has lived up
to that day.

2501
01:56:28,900 --> 01:56:30,902
I was, uh,
lying to my parents,

2502
01:56:30,985 --> 01:56:32,779
I was telling them
I was gonna be a lawyer.

2503
01:56:33,321 --> 01:56:34,572
And they're very disappointed

2504
01:56:34,655 --> 01:56:36,324
'cause they wanted me
to be a doctor.

2505
01:56:37,408 --> 01:56:38,951
You guys are like,
why didn't you just tell them

2506
01:56:39,035 --> 01:56:40,661
that you wanted
to be a doctor?

2507
01:56:40,745 --> 01:56:41,913
It's a lie anyway,
and I'm like,

2508
01:56:41,996 --> 01:56:43,164
well, it has to be believable.

2509
01:56:43,581 --> 01:56:45,166
If I told them
"I want to be a doctor,"

2510
01:56:45,249 --> 01:56:46,667
they'd be like, "Bullshit."

2511
01:56:47,084 --> 01:56:49,670
If I said "lawyer,"
they're like, "Oh, okay.

2512
01:56:49,754 --> 01:56:50,671
"That's something."

2513
01:56:50,755 --> 01:56:52,256
'Cause there's
a strict hierarchy.

2514
01:56:52,423 --> 01:56:55,426
It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,

2515
01:56:55,843 --> 01:56:57,261
hundreds of jobs,

2516
01:56:58,137 --> 01:56:59,931
ISIS, then comedian.

2517
01:57:05,228 --> 01:57:07,688
Ah, I'm sorry.

2518
01:57:07,772 --> 01:57:09,857
It's very rude
to heckle comedians.

2519
01:57:10,066 --> 01:57:11,234
Oh, that wasn't a heckle.

2520
01:57:11,317 --> 01:57:12,735
I just kind of
whoo-hoo'd for you.

2521
01:57:12,819 --> 01:57:14,654
Well, see,
that's a common misconception.

2522
01:57:14,737 --> 01:57:16,239
Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.

2523
01:57:16,405 --> 01:57:19,242
So if I was like, "Oh, my God,
you're amazing in bed!"

2524
01:57:19,325 --> 01:57:20,993
That would be a...

2525
01:57:21,077 --> 01:57:22,161
...heckle?

2526
01:57:22,245 --> 01:57:24,580
Yeah, and now you're getting
more laughs than me,

2527
01:57:24,664 --> 01:57:25,706
and I don't like that.

2528
01:57:25,790 --> 01:57:27,250
Do you want to come up,
do my job?

2529
01:57:27,500 --> 01:57:28,334
Let's talk about...

2530
01:57:28,417 --> 01:57:29,961
So, are you
from out of town, ma'am?

2531
01:57:30,378 --> 01:57:33,047
- Chicago.
- Ooh, Windy City.

2532
01:57:33,673 --> 01:57:35,550
And what brings you
to New York?

2533
01:57:36,259 --> 01:57:39,095
- Here to see someone.
- And, um...

2534
01:57:39,345 --> 01:57:41,514
Have you seen him?
Or her? I mean, I don't...

2535
01:57:41,597 --> 01:57:43,808
I don't know
what your deal is, but...

2536
01:57:43,891 --> 01:57:45,434
Yeah, I've seen him.