1
00:03:01,350 --> 00:03:04,478
I'm going for a cup of tea.
Do you want one?
2
00:03:05,888 --> 00:03:09,324
- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?
- No.
3
00:03:58,607 --> 00:04:01,474
Thirteen million
Londoners have to wake up to this.
4
00:04:01,577 --> 00:04:04,478
The murder and all-bran
and rape?
5
00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:08,072
And I'm sitting in this bloody shack,
and I can't cope with Withnail.
6
00:04:08,183 --> 00:04:10,242
I must be out of my mind.
7
00:04:10,352 --> 00:04:13,412
I must go home at once and
discuss his problems in depth.
8
00:04:16,225 --> 00:04:18,887
I have some extremely
distressing news.
9
00:04:18,994 --> 00:04:21,986
I don't want to hear it.
I don't want to hear anything.
10
00:04:23,599 --> 00:04:27,194
My God, it's a nightmare,
let me tell you. It's a nightmare.
11
00:04:27,302 --> 00:04:30,294
We've just run out of wine.
What are we gonna do about it?
12
00:04:30,405 --> 00:04:32,896
I don't know.
I don't know.
13
00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:36,034
Oh, God!
I don't feel good.
14
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:40,343
My thumbs have gone weird!
15
00:04:40,449 --> 00:04:43,714
I'm in the middle
of a bloody overdose.
16
00:04:43,819 --> 00:04:46,788
Oh, God!
17
00:04:46,889 --> 00:04:49,949
My heart's beating
like a fucked clock!
18
00:04:50,058 --> 00:04:52,492
I feel dreadful.
I feel really dreadful.
19
00:04:52,594 --> 00:04:54,960
So do I.
So does everybody.
20
00:04:55,063 --> 00:04:57,088
Look at my tongue.
21
00:04:57,199 --> 00:04:59,667
Gray yellow sock.
22
00:04:59,768 --> 00:05:02,498
Sit down, for Christ's sake.
What's the matter with you?
23
00:05:03,972 --> 00:05:06,634
Eat some sugar.
24
00:05:06,742 --> 00:05:10,109
Listen to this.
"Curse of the supermen.
25
00:05:10,212 --> 00:05:14,012
"'I took drugs to win medal,'
says top athleteJeff Wode.
26
00:05:14,116 --> 00:05:17,085
- Where's the coffee?
- "In a world exclusive interview,
27
00:05:17,186 --> 00:05:21,418
"33-year-old shot putterJeff Wode,
who weighs 317 pounds,
28
00:05:21,523 --> 00:05:25,118
"admitted taking massive doses
of anabolic steroids,
29
00:05:25,227 --> 00:05:27,525
"drugs banned in sport.
30
00:05:27,629 --> 00:05:30,757
"'He used to get in bad tempers,'
says his wife.
31
00:05:30,866 --> 00:05:33,699
"'He used to pick on me.
But now he's stopped,
32
00:05:33,802 --> 00:05:37,101
he's much better in our sex
life and in our general life."'
33
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:42,007
Jesus Christ!
This huge, thatched head...
34
00:05:42,110 --> 00:05:46,672
with its earlobes and cannonball
is not considered sane.
35
00:05:46,782 --> 00:05:49,080
"Jeff Wode is feeling better...
36
00:05:49,184 --> 00:05:53,712
and is now prepared
to step back into society
and start tossing his orb about."
37
00:05:53,822 --> 00:05:56,188
Look at him!
Look at Jeff Wode!
38
00:05:56,291 --> 00:05:59,226
His head must weigh
50 pounds on its own.
39
00:06:00,662 --> 00:06:03,256
Imagine the size of his balls.
40
00:06:04,733 --> 00:06:07,668
Imagine getting into a fight
with the fucker.
41
00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:09,703
Please, I don't feel good.
42
00:06:09,805 --> 00:06:13,798
That's what you'd say.
But that wouldn't wash with Jeff.
43
00:06:13,909 --> 00:06:17,936
No. He'd like a bit of pleading.
Adds spice to it.
44
00:06:18,046 --> 00:06:23,211
In fact, he'd probably tell you
what he was gonna do before he did it.
45
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,086
"I'm gonna pull your head off."
46
00:06:27,189 --> 00:06:29,851
"No, please don't pull my head off."
47
00:06:29,958 --> 00:06:34,054
"I'm gonna pull your head off
because I don't like your head."
48
00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:41,727
Have you got soup?
Why didn't I get any soup?
49
00:06:41,837 --> 00:06:43,805
Coffee.
50
00:06:43,905 --> 00:06:46,066
Why don't you use a cup
like any other human being?
51
00:06:46,174 --> 00:06:48,972
Why don't you wash up occasionally
like any other human being?
52
00:06:49,077 --> 00:06:52,843
How dare you!
How dare you!
53
00:06:52,948 --> 00:06:55,416
How dare you
call me inhumane!
54
00:06:55,517 --> 00:06:58,509
I didn't call you inhumane.
You merely imagined it. Calm down.
55
00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:01,453
Right, you fucker.
I'm gonna do the washing up.
56
00:07:01,556 --> 00:07:04,719
No, no, you can't.
It's impossible, I swear.
57
00:07:04,826 --> 00:07:07,556
I've looked into it.
Listen to me! Listen to me!
58
00:07:07,663 --> 00:07:10,496
There are things in there.
There's a tea bag growing.
59
00:07:10,599 --> 00:07:13,864
You haven't slept in 60 hours.
You're in no state to tackle it.
60
00:07:13,969 --> 00:07:16,437
Wait till the morning.
We'll go in together.
61
00:07:16,538 --> 00:07:19,166
This is the morning!
Stand aside!
62
00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:23,233
You don't understand! I think
there may be something living in there.
63
00:07:23,345 --> 00:07:25,609
I think there may be
something alive.
64
00:07:25,714 --> 00:07:28,478
- What do you mean? A rat?
- It's possible.
65
00:07:28,583 --> 00:07:31,643
Then the fucker
will rue the day.
66
00:07:33,789 --> 00:07:38,226
Oh, Christ Almighty!
A sinew in nicotine base.
67
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:41,785
Keep back, keep back.
The entire sink's gone rotten.
68
00:07:41,897 --> 00:07:43,797
I don't know what's in here.
69
00:07:43,899 --> 00:07:48,029
I told you, you've been bitten!
70
00:07:48,136 --> 00:07:50,866
Burnt! Burnt!
The fucking kettle's on fire!
71
00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:53,440
- There's something floating up.
- Fork it!
72
00:07:53,542 --> 00:07:57,034
- L-l-I don't...
- You must! You must!
73
00:07:57,145 --> 00:08:01,241
The poop will boil through the glaze.
We'll never be able to use
our dinner service again.
74
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,750
Here. Get it with the pliers.
75
00:08:03,852 --> 00:08:06,252
No, no. No, no.
Give me the gloves.
76
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:09,051
That's right.
Put on the gloves.
77
00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:12,058
Don't attempt anything
without the gloves.
78
00:08:15,430 --> 00:08:18,331
- Ugh.
- What is it? What have you found?
79
00:08:18,433 --> 00:08:21,061
Matter.
80
00:08:21,169 --> 00:08:23,660
Matter?
Where's it coming from?
81
00:08:23,772 --> 00:08:26,764
Don't look.
I'm dealing with it.
82
00:08:28,844 --> 00:08:31,210
I think we've been
in here too long.
83
00:08:31,313 --> 00:08:34,942
I feel unusual.
I think we should go outside.
84
00:08:40,021 --> 00:08:42,956
This is ridiculous.
Look at me.
85
00:08:43,058 --> 00:08:46,550
I'm 30 in a month, and I've got
a sole flapping off my shoe.
86
00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:49,653
It will get better.
It has to.
87
00:08:49,765 --> 00:08:52,700
Easy for you to say, lovey.
You've had an audition.
88
00:08:52,801 --> 00:08:55,269
Why can't I have an audition?
89
00:08:55,370 --> 00:09:00,069
It's ridiculous. I've been
to drama school. I'm good-looking.
90
00:09:00,175 --> 00:09:04,271
I tell you,
I've a fuck sight more talent than half
the rubbish that gets on television.
91
00:09:04,379 --> 00:09:06,472
Why can't I get on television?
92
00:09:06,581 --> 00:09:08,811
I don't know.
It'll happen.
93
00:09:08,917 --> 00:09:11,477
Will it?
That's what you say.
94
00:09:11,586 --> 00:09:15,181
The only program I'm likely to get on
is the fucking news.
95
00:09:15,290 --> 00:09:17,758
I tell you, I can't take
much more of this.
96
00:09:17,859 --> 00:09:20,293
- I'm gonna crack.
- I'm in the same boat.
97
00:09:20,395 --> 00:09:22,295
Yeah, yeah.
98
00:09:22,397 --> 00:09:24,991
I feel as sick as a pike.
99
00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:27,227
I'm gonna have to sit down.
100
00:09:32,407 --> 00:09:35,501
You know what we should do?
101
00:09:35,610 --> 00:09:38,238
I say, you know
what we should do?
102
00:09:38,346 --> 00:09:41,338
How can I possibly know
what we should do?
103
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:44,977
- What should we do?
- Get out of it for a while.
104
00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:47,850
Get into the countryside,
rejuvenate.
105
00:09:47,956 --> 00:09:51,983
Rejuvenate? I'm in a park,
and I'm practically dead.
106
00:09:52,093 --> 00:09:54,994
What good's the countryside?
107
00:09:55,096 --> 00:09:59,260
- What time is it?
- It's 8:00.
108
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:03,770
Four hours till opening time.
God help us.
109
00:10:03,872 --> 00:10:06,272
Have we got any embrocation?
110
00:10:08,243 --> 00:10:10,711
- What for?
- To rub on us, you fool.
111
00:10:10,812 --> 00:10:13,906
We can cover ourselves in Deep Heat
and get up against the radiator,
112
00:10:14,015 --> 00:10:16,483
keep ourselves alive till 12:00.
113
00:10:18,286 --> 00:10:20,720
Jesus, look at that!
114
00:10:20,822 --> 00:10:23,620
Apart from a raw potato,
that's the only solid...
115
00:10:23,725 --> 00:10:26,853
to have passed my lips
in the last 60 hours.
116
00:10:26,962 --> 00:10:29,362
I must be ill.
117
00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:35,467
Even a stopped clock
gives the right time twice a day.
118
00:10:36,972 --> 00:10:40,931
And for once, I'm inclined to
believe that Withnail is right.
119
00:10:41,042 --> 00:10:45,479
We are, indeed, drifting
into the arena of the unwell,
120
00:10:47,315 --> 00:10:50,307
making an enemy
of our own future.
121
00:10:50,418 --> 00:10:53,387
What we need is harmony,
122
00:10:53,488 --> 00:10:56,582
fresh air, stuff like that.
123
00:10:56,691 --> 00:11:00,183
Wasn't much in the tube.
Nothing left for you.
124
00:11:00,295 --> 00:11:03,594
Why don't you ask your father
for some money?
125
00:11:03,698 --> 00:11:06,667
If we had some money,
we could go away.
126
00:11:06,768 --> 00:11:10,431
Why don't you ask your father?
How can it be so cold in here?
127
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:12,871
Like Greenland in here.
128
00:11:14,643 --> 00:11:19,103
We've got to get some booze. It's
the only solution for this intense cold.
129
00:11:19,214 --> 00:11:23,310
Something's got to be done.
We can't go on like this!
130
00:11:23,418 --> 00:11:27,616
I'm a trained actor
reduced to the status of a bum!
131
00:11:27,722 --> 00:11:32,421
I mean, look at us!
Nothing that reasonable members
of society demand as their rights!
132
00:11:32,527 --> 00:11:35,758
No fridges, no televisions,
no phones!
133
00:11:35,864 --> 00:11:38,196
Much more of this, I'm gonna
apply for Meals On Wheels.
134
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:42,202
- What happened
to your cigar commercial?
- That's what I want to know.
135
00:11:42,304 --> 00:11:45,501
What happened to my agent?
Bastard must have died.
136
00:11:45,607 --> 00:11:47,507
September. Bad patch.
137
00:11:47,609 --> 00:11:50,737
Rubbish. I haven't seen Gielgud
down the Labor Exchange.
138
00:11:50,845 --> 00:11:52,745
Why doesn't he retire?
139
00:11:52,847 --> 00:11:55,748
Oh, look at this little bastard!
140
00:11:55,850 --> 00:11:59,183
"Boy lands plum role
for top Italian director."
141
00:11:59,287 --> 00:12:03,348
'Course he does. Probably
on a tenner a day, and I know what for.
142
00:12:03,458 --> 00:12:07,292
Two pound ten a tit,
and a fiver for his arse.
143
00:12:09,998 --> 00:12:12,796
- Have you been at the controls?
- What are you talking about?
144
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:15,563
The thermostats!
What have you done to them?
145
00:12:15,670 --> 00:12:18,833
- I haven't touched them.
- Then why has my head gone numb?
146
00:12:18,940 --> 00:12:21,431
I must have some booze.
147
00:12:21,543 --> 00:12:24,273
I demand to have some booze!
148
00:12:26,414 --> 00:12:29,144
- I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Why not?
149
00:12:29,250 --> 00:12:31,150
Because I don't advise it.
150
00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:34,153
Even the wankers on the site wouldn't
drink that. That's worse than meths.
151
00:12:34,255 --> 00:12:37,224
Nonsense. This is a far
superior drink to meths.
152
00:12:37,325 --> 00:12:40,192
Wankers don't drink it
because they can't afford it.
153
00:12:44,566 --> 00:12:47,535
Have we got any more?
154
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:50,366
Liar!
What's in your toolbox?
155
00:12:50,472 --> 00:12:52,531
No, we have nothing.
Sit down.
156
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:55,041
Liar!
You've got antifreeze.
157
00:12:55,143 --> 00:12:58,044
You bloody fool.
You should never mix your drinks!
158
00:13:06,921 --> 00:13:10,823
All right, this is the plan.
We'll get in there and get wrecked.
159
00:13:10,925 --> 00:13:14,861
Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll
drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.
160
00:13:14,963 --> 00:13:18,399
Means we'll miss out Monday
but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
161
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:21,901
- What's that appalling smell?
- Perfume on my boots.
162
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:25,063
I had to scrub them
with essence of petunia.
163
00:13:32,313 --> 00:13:36,374
Two large gins, two pints of cider,
ice in the cider.
164
00:13:36,484 --> 00:13:39,044
If my father was loaded,
I'd ask him for some money.
165
00:13:39,154 --> 00:13:41,918
If your father was my
father, you wouldn't get it.
166
00:13:42,023 --> 00:13:44,423
- Here you are, lads.
- Chin-chin.
167
00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:50,096
Ugh!
168
00:13:51,633 --> 00:13:54,261
What about what's-his-name?
169
00:13:54,369 --> 00:13:57,702
- What about him?
- Why don't you give him a call?
170
00:13:57,806 --> 00:14:01,242
- What for?
- Ask him about his house.
171
00:14:01,342 --> 00:14:04,436
You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?
172
00:14:04,546 --> 00:14:07,879
- Why not?
- All right. What's his number?
173
00:14:07,982 --> 00:14:10,644
I have no idea.
I've never met him.
174
00:14:10,752 --> 00:14:13,653
Well, neither have I.
Who the fuck are you talking about?
175
00:14:13,755 --> 00:14:16,087
Your relative with the house
in the country.
176
00:14:16,191 --> 00:14:18,853
- Monty? Uncle Monty?
- Same. That's the one.
177
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,929
Get theJag fixed up,
spend a week in the country.
178
00:14:22,030 --> 00:14:25,830
All right. Give us a tanner,
and I'll give him a bell.
179
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:30,428
Here. Get a couple more.
I'm going for a slash.
180
00:14:37,378 --> 00:14:39,278
Ponce.
181
00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:44,946
I could hardly
piss straight with fear.
182
00:14:45,053 --> 00:14:48,614
A man with three-quarters of an inch
of brain had taken a dislike to me.
183
00:14:48,723 --> 00:14:53,126
What have I done to offend him?
I don't consciously offend
big men like this.
184
00:14:53,228 --> 00:14:56,129
And this one has a definite
imbalance of hormone in him.
185
00:14:56,231 --> 00:14:59,359
Get any more masculine than him,
you'd have to live up a tree.
186
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:02,698
"I fuck arses."
Who fucks arses?
187
00:15:02,804 --> 00:15:05,500
Maybe he fucks arses.
188
00:15:05,607 --> 00:15:08,735
Maybe he's written this in some
moment of drunken sincerity?
189
00:15:08,843 --> 00:15:11,311
I'm in considerable
danger in here.
190
00:15:11,412 --> 00:15:13,403
I must get out of here at once.
191
00:15:17,752 --> 00:15:19,913
Perfumed ponce!
192
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:25,021
You'll be pleased to hear
Monty's invited us for drinks.
193
00:15:25,126 --> 00:15:27,321
Balls to Monty.
We're getting out.
194
00:15:27,428 --> 00:15:30,556
Balls to Monty? I already spent
an hour flattering the bugger.
195
00:15:30,665 --> 00:15:34,601
There's a man over there doesn't like
the perfume. A big one. Don't look.
196
00:15:34,702 --> 00:15:37,432
We're in danger.
We've got to get out.
197
00:15:37,539 --> 00:15:41,566
- What are you talking about?
- I've been called a ponce.
198
00:15:41,676 --> 00:15:44,804
What fucker said that?
199
00:15:50,351 --> 00:15:53,320
I called him a ponce,
200
00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:55,787
and now I'm calling you one.
201
00:15:55,890 --> 00:15:58,017
Ponce!
202
00:15:58,126 --> 00:16:00,458
Would you like a drink?
203
00:16:00,562 --> 00:16:02,587
What's your name? McFuck?
204
00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:07,526
I have a heart condition.
I have a heart condition.
205
00:16:07,635 --> 00:16:10,365
If you hit me, it's murder.
206
00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:13,167
I'll murder the pair of yous!
207
00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:15,970
My wife is having a baby.
208
00:16:16,077 --> 00:16:20,605
Listen, I don't know what my...
acquaintance did to upset you,
209
00:16:20,715 --> 00:16:23,240
but it's nothing to do with me.
210
00:16:23,351 --> 00:16:25,979
I suggest you both go outside...
211
00:16:26,087 --> 00:16:28,851
and discuss it sensibly
in the street.
212
00:16:31,526 --> 00:16:33,426
Out of my way!
213
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:42,159
Speed is like
a dozen transatlantic flights...
214
00:16:42,270 --> 00:16:44,636
without ever
getting off the plane.
215
00:16:44,739 --> 00:16:48,835
Time change.
You lose. You gain.
216
00:16:48,943 --> 00:16:52,970
Makes no difference, so long
as you keep taking the pills.
217
00:16:53,081 --> 00:16:55,914
But sooner or later,
you gotta get out...
218
00:16:56,017 --> 00:16:58,144
because it's crashing,
219
00:16:58,253 --> 00:17:01,245
and all at once
those frozen hours...
220
00:17:01,356 --> 00:17:03,984
melt through
the nervous system...
221
00:17:04,092 --> 00:17:07,255
and seep out the pores.
222
00:17:08,563 --> 00:17:11,760
Bastards! Just to suck...
223
00:17:11,866 --> 00:17:15,324
some miserable cheap cigar,
and the bastards won't see me.
224
00:17:17,872 --> 00:17:19,840
Why are we having lunch in here?
225
00:17:19,941 --> 00:17:21,932
It's dinner, and Danny's here.
226
00:17:22,043 --> 00:17:23,943
Danny?
How did he get in?
227
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:26,809
I let him in this morning.
He lost one of his clogs.
228
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,543
He's come in because
of this perpetual cold.
229
00:17:29,651 --> 00:17:32,484
Oh, I hope
tobacco sales plummet.
230
00:17:32,587 --> 00:17:36,523
I've got your saveloy.
Here. I don't want it.
231
00:17:36,624 --> 00:17:39,388
Then stick it in a soap tray
and save it for later.
232
00:17:39,494 --> 00:17:42,156
Don't vent spleen on me!
I'm in the same boat!
233
00:17:42,263 --> 00:17:45,096
Stop saying that!
You're not in the same boat.
234
00:17:45,199 --> 00:17:49,636
The only thing you're in that
I have been in is this fucking bath!
235
00:17:51,906 --> 00:17:56,138
Danny's here.
Headhunter to his friends.
236
00:17:56,244 --> 00:18:00,146
Headhunter to everybody.
He doesn't have any friends.
237
00:18:00,248 --> 00:18:02,978
The only people
he converses with...
238
00:18:03,084 --> 00:18:05,985
are his clients
and occasionally the police.
239
00:18:06,087 --> 00:18:10,990
The purveyor of rare herbs and
prescribed chemicals is back.
240
00:18:11,092 --> 00:18:14,118
Will we never be set free?
241
00:18:18,766 --> 00:18:22,293
- Danny.
- You're looking very beautiful, man.
242
00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:24,303
Have you been away?
243
00:18:24,405 --> 00:18:28,466
St. Peter preached the epistles
to the apostles looking like that.
244
00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:30,908
Have you got any food?
245
00:18:31,012 --> 00:18:34,413
Mmm. As a matter of fact,
I got a saveloy.
246
00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:37,382
How much is it?
247
00:18:37,485 --> 00:18:39,680
You can have it for nothing.
248
00:18:39,787 --> 00:18:42,847
- I see you're wearing a suit.
- What's it got to do with you?
249
00:18:42,957 --> 00:18:47,189
No need to get uptight, man.
I was merely making an observation.
250
00:18:47,295 --> 00:18:51,823
I happened to be looking for a suit
for the Coalman two weeks ago.
251
00:18:51,933 --> 00:18:55,164
For reasons I can't really
discuss with you...
252
00:18:55,269 --> 00:18:57,863
the Coalman
had to go toJamaica.
253
00:18:57,972 --> 00:19:00,736
Got busted coming back
through Heathrow.
254
00:19:03,845 --> 00:19:05,745
Had a weight under his fez.
255
00:19:05,847 --> 00:19:09,977
We worked out, it would be very handy
karma for him to get hold of a suit.
256
00:19:10,084 --> 00:19:13,451
But he's a very low-temperature
spade, the Coalman.
257
00:19:13,554 --> 00:19:16,523
Goes into court
in his caftan and a bell.
258
00:19:16,624 --> 00:19:20,560
This doesn't go down at all well.
259
00:19:20,661 --> 00:19:24,222
They can handle the caftan,
but they can't handle the bell.
260
00:19:24,332 --> 00:19:27,893
So there's this judge sitting there
in the cape like fucking Batman...
261
00:19:28,002 --> 00:19:31,563
- with this really
rather far-out looking hat...
- Wig.
262
00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:35,733
No, man. This was more
like a long white hat.
263
00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:38,368
So he looks at the Coalman
and says,
264
00:19:38,479 --> 00:19:42,074
"What's all this? This is a court,
man. This ain't fancy dress."
265
00:19:42,183 --> 00:19:44,879
And the Coalman
looks at him and says,
266
00:19:44,986 --> 00:19:48,012
"You think you look normal,
Your Honor?"
267
00:19:48,122 --> 00:19:51,148
Cunt give him two years.
268
00:19:53,161 --> 00:19:56,221
I'm afraid I can't offer
you gentlemen anything.
269
00:19:56,330 --> 00:19:59,060
That's all right, Danny.
We decided to lay off for a bit.
270
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:02,933
That's what I thought. Except
for personal use, I concur with you.
271
00:20:03,037 --> 00:20:07,440
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking
of retiring and going into business.
272
00:20:07,542 --> 00:20:10,033
Doing what?
273
00:20:10,144 --> 00:20:13,375
- The toy industry.
- I thought you
were in the bottle industry.
274
00:20:13,481 --> 00:20:17,645
No, man. That's a sideline.
You can have that.
275
00:20:17,752 --> 00:20:20,482
Instructions are included.
276
00:20:20,588 --> 00:20:24,752
Yeah, my partner's got a really
good idea for making dolls.
277
00:20:24,859 --> 00:20:29,421
His name's Presuming Ed.
His sister give him the idea.
278
00:20:29,530 --> 00:20:32,226
She got a doll on Christmas
what pisses itself.
279
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:35,769
- Really?
- Yeah, and you gotta
change its drawers for it.
280
00:20:35,870 --> 00:20:38,896
It's horrible, really.
But they like that, little girls.
281
00:20:39,006 --> 00:20:41,907
So we're gonna make one
that shits itself as well.
282
00:20:42,009 --> 00:20:44,603
- Shits itself?
- He's an expert.
283
00:20:44,712 --> 00:20:47,476
He's building the prototype now.
284
00:20:50,251 --> 00:20:52,412
Why is he behaving so uptightly?
285
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,479
Because a gang
of cheeroot vendors considered
a haircut beyond my abilities.
286
00:20:56,591 --> 00:20:59,492
I don't advise a haircut, man.
287
00:20:59,594 --> 00:21:02,757
All hairdressers are
in the employment of the government.
288
00:21:02,864 --> 00:21:05,025
Hair are your aerials.
289
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:07,601
They pick up signals
from the cosmos...
290
00:21:07,702 --> 00:21:10,500
and transmit them
directly into the brain.
291
00:21:10,605 --> 00:21:13,733
This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
292
00:21:13,841 --> 00:21:16,173
What absolute twaddle.
293
00:21:17,612 --> 00:21:19,512
- Has he just been busted?
- No.
294
00:21:19,614 --> 00:21:21,844
Then why is he wearing
that old suit?
295
00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:26,010
Old suit? This suit
was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row.
296
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:30,079
Just because the best tailoring
you've ever seen is above your fucking
appendix doesn't mean anything!
297
00:21:30,191 --> 00:21:32,682
Don't get uptight with me, man.
298
00:21:32,793 --> 00:21:37,321
'Cause if you do, I'll have to
give you a dose of medicine.
299
00:21:37,431 --> 00:21:41,527
And if I spike you, you'll know
you've been spoken to.
300
00:21:41,636 --> 00:21:44,366
You wouldn't spike me.
You're too mean.
301
00:21:44,472 --> 00:21:47,373
Besides, there's nothing
invented I couldn't take.
302
00:21:47,475 --> 00:21:52,310
If I medicined you, you'd think
a brain tumor was a birthday present.
303
00:21:54,148 --> 00:21:57,242
I could take double
anything you could.
304
00:21:59,153 --> 00:22:02,554
Very, very foolish words, man.
305
00:22:02,657 --> 00:22:05,057
He's right, Withnail.
Look at him.
306
00:22:05,159 --> 00:22:08,060
His mechanism's gone. He's had
more drugs than you've had hot dinners.
307
00:22:08,162 --> 00:22:10,596
I'm not having this
shag sack insulting me.
308
00:22:10,698 --> 00:22:12,893
Let him get his drugs out.
309
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,868
This doll
is extremely dangerous.
310
00:22:18,706 --> 00:22:22,642
It has voodoo qualities.
311
00:22:31,686 --> 00:22:37,352
Trade,
"Phenodihydrochrolide benzorex."
312
00:22:37,458 --> 00:22:40,757
Street, "the embalmer."
313
00:22:40,861 --> 00:22:43,091
Balls! I'll swallow it
and run a mile.
314
00:22:43,197 --> 00:22:47,896
Cool your boots, man.
This pill's valued at two quid.
315
00:22:48,002 --> 00:22:50,903
- Two quid? You're out of your mind.
- That's sense, Withnail.
316
00:22:51,005 --> 00:22:54,532
You can stuff it
up your arse for nothing
and fuck off while you're doing it!
317
00:22:57,044 --> 00:23:01,538
No need to insult me, man.
I was leaving anyway.
318
00:23:04,885 --> 00:23:08,048
Have either of you got shoes?
319
00:23:33,581 --> 00:23:36,049
Monty's car.
320
00:23:44,592 --> 00:23:47,584
Oh, hello! Come in.
321
00:23:55,670 --> 00:23:59,367
Sit down, do.
Would you like a drink?
322
00:23:59,473 --> 00:24:01,566
- Sherry.
- Sherry.
323
00:24:04,679 --> 00:24:06,579
- Sherry?
- Sherry.
324
00:24:06,681 --> 00:24:08,581
Sherry.
325
00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:15,180
Do you like vegetables?
326
00:24:15,289 --> 00:24:18,019
I've always been fond
of root crops,
327
00:24:18,125 --> 00:24:20,650
but I only started
to grow last summer.
328
00:24:20,761 --> 00:24:24,356
I happen to think the cauliflower
more beautiful than the rose.
329
00:24:24,465 --> 00:24:26,365
Chin-chin.
330
00:24:26,467 --> 00:24:28,867
- Do you grow?
- Geraniums.
331
00:24:28,969 --> 00:24:31,062
Little traitors.
332
00:24:31,172 --> 00:24:34,403
I think the carrot infinitely
more fascinating than the geranium.
333
00:24:34,508 --> 00:24:37,966
Mmm. The carrot has mystery.
334
00:24:38,079 --> 00:24:41,105
Flowers are essentially tarts,
335
00:24:41,215 --> 00:24:44,241
prostitutes for the bees.
336
00:24:45,653 --> 00:24:48,713
There is, you will agree,
a certain "je ne sai quoi,"
337
00:24:48,823 --> 00:24:52,486
something very special
about a firm, young carrot.
338
00:24:52,593 --> 00:24:54,720
Hmm, excuse me.
339
00:24:54,829 --> 00:24:58,390
Do help yourselves to another drink.
340
00:24:58,499 --> 00:25:00,967
What's all this?
The man's mad.
341
00:25:01,068 --> 00:25:03,628
- Eccentric.
- Eccentric? He's insane!
342
00:25:03,738 --> 00:25:06,332
Not only that,
he's a raving homosexual.
343
00:25:08,442 --> 00:25:10,706
You beastly little parasite!
How dare you?
344
00:25:10,811 --> 00:25:13,575
You little thug!
How dare you!
345
00:25:16,217 --> 00:25:18,777
Beastly, ungrateful little swine!
346
00:25:18,886 --> 00:25:22,617
- Shall I get you a drink?
- Yes, yes, yes, please, dear boy.
347
00:25:22,723 --> 00:25:25,283
You can prepare me a small
rhesus-negative Bloody Mary.
348
00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:29,523
You must tell me all the news.
I haven't seen you since you
finished your last show.
349
00:25:29,630 --> 00:25:32,428
Rather busy, Uncle.
TV and stuff.
350
00:25:32,533 --> 00:25:35,832
My agent's attempting to edge me
towards Royal Shakespeare Company again.
351
00:25:35,936 --> 00:25:39,838
- Oh, splendid.
- And he's just had an audition for rep.
352
00:25:39,940 --> 00:25:43,103
Oh, splendid!
So you're a Thespian too?
353
00:25:46,547 --> 00:25:48,538
Monty used to act.
354
00:25:48,649 --> 00:25:50,549
One hardly says that.
355
00:25:50,651 --> 00:25:54,212
I cracked the boards in my youth,
but I never really had it in my blood.
356
00:25:54,321 --> 00:25:56,881
And that's what's
so essential, isn't it?
357
00:25:56,991 --> 00:25:59,425
The theatrical zeal in the veins.
358
00:25:59,527 --> 00:26:03,588
Alas, I have little more
than vintage wine and memories.
359
00:26:07,902 --> 00:26:11,633
It is the most shattering experience
of a young man's life...
360
00:26:11,739 --> 00:26:15,641
when one morning he awakes
and quite reasonably says to himself,
361
00:26:15,743 --> 00:26:21,204
"I will never play the Dane."
362
00:26:21,315 --> 00:26:24,478
When that moment comes,
363
00:26:24,585 --> 00:26:28,043
one's ambition ceases.
364
00:26:30,424 --> 00:26:32,915
Don't you agree?
365
00:26:33,027 --> 00:26:36,827
- It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
- And you'll be marvelous.
366
00:26:36,931 --> 00:26:39,229
Marvelous.
367
00:26:40,634 --> 00:26:43,194
"It's gone.
368
00:26:43,304 --> 00:26:46,501
"We do it wrong,
being so ma'jestical...
369
00:26:46,607 --> 00:26:49,337
to offer it
the show of violence."
370
00:26:49,443 --> 00:26:52,537
Let's go. He's a madman.
371
00:26:52,646 --> 00:26:55,410
Any minute now, he's gonna rush out
and get into his tights.
372
00:26:55,516 --> 00:26:59,350
- Okay, okay. Any minute.
- The house or out.
373
00:27:01,288 --> 00:27:03,483
Could I have a word
with you, Monty?
374
00:27:03,591 --> 00:27:06,526
Oh, forgive me, dear boy.
Forgive me.
375
00:27:06,627 --> 00:27:09,687
I was allowing memory
to have the better of me.
376
00:27:09,797 --> 00:27:12,698
Shall I get you a topper?
377
00:27:21,642 --> 00:27:25,203
Indeed, I remember my first agent.
378
00:27:25,312 --> 00:27:27,439
Raymond Duck.
379
00:27:29,283 --> 00:27:32,275
He was a dreadful little Israelite.
380
00:27:32,386 --> 00:27:35,355
Four floors up
on the Charing Cross Road,
381
00:27:35,456 --> 00:27:38,254
and never a job
at the top of them.
382
00:27:40,094 --> 00:27:42,892
I'm told you're a writer too.
383
00:27:44,832 --> 00:27:47,323
Do you write poems?
384
00:27:47,434 --> 00:27:51,393
No. I wish I could.
It's just thoughts, really.
385
00:27:53,107 --> 00:27:55,575
- Are you published?
- Oh, no.
386
00:27:55,676 --> 00:27:57,906
Where did you school?
387
00:27:58,012 --> 00:28:00,640
He went to the other place, Monty.
388
00:28:00,748 --> 00:28:03,979
Oh, you went to Eton?
389
00:28:04,084 --> 00:28:06,780
Get that damned little
swine out of here!
390
00:28:08,889 --> 00:28:12,689
It's trying to get itself in with you.
It's trying for even more advantage.
391
00:28:12,793 --> 00:28:14,954
It's obsessed with its gut.
It's like a bloody rugby ball now.
392
00:28:15,062 --> 00:28:18,361
- It will die! It will die!
- Monty. Monty.
393
00:28:18,465 --> 00:28:21,263
No, no, dear boy.
You must leave.
394
00:28:21,368 --> 00:28:23,734
Yet again, that oaf
has destroyed my day.
395
00:28:23,837 --> 00:28:26,863
Listen, Monty. Could I just have
a quick word with you? In private?
396
00:28:26,974 --> 00:28:29,135
Oh... very well.
397
00:28:40,621 --> 00:28:43,613
- Good night, my dears.
- Good night, Monty.
398
00:28:43,724 --> 00:28:47,182
What's all this
going off in private business?
Why did you tell him I went to Eton?
399
00:28:47,294 --> 00:28:50,127
Because it wouldn't
have helped if I hadn't.
400
00:28:50,230 --> 00:28:53,461
I'm just trying to establish you
in some sort of context he'd understand.
401
00:28:53,567 --> 00:28:57,264
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean, free
to those who can afford it.
402
00:28:57,371 --> 00:29:00,135
Very expensive
to those that can't.
403
00:29:07,848 --> 00:29:11,443
"All Along the Watchtower"]
404
00:29:44,385 --> 00:29:48,549
- Scrubbers!
- Up yours, Granddad!
405
00:29:48,656 --> 00:29:52,183
- Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
- Shut up!
406
00:29:52,292 --> 00:29:55,489
Little tarts.
They love it.
407
00:29:55,596 --> 00:29:58,588
I'm trying to drive this thing
as quietly as possible.
408
00:29:58,699 --> 00:30:02,465
If you don't shut up,
we'll get stopped by the police.
409
00:30:02,569 --> 00:30:05,732
- Give me the bottle.
- Look at that. Look at that.
410
00:30:05,839 --> 00:30:09,070
"Accident black spot."
These aren't accidents!
411
00:30:09,176 --> 00:30:12,668
They're throwing themselves
into the road! Gladly!
412
00:30:12,780 --> 00:30:16,978
Throwing themselves into the road
to escape all this hideousness!
413
00:30:17,084 --> 00:30:19,951
Throw yourself
into the road, darling!
414
00:30:20,054 --> 00:30:22,614
You haven't got a chance!
415
00:30:59,727 --> 00:31:03,356
At some point or another,
I want to stop and get hold of a child.
416
00:31:03,464 --> 00:31:05,364
What do you want a child for?
417
00:31:05,466 --> 00:31:07,593
To tutor it in the ways
of righteousness...
418
00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:09,999
and procure some
uncontaminated urine.
419
00:31:10,104 --> 00:31:14,438
This is a device enabling the drunken
driver to operate in absolute safety.
420
00:31:14,541 --> 00:31:19,444
You fill this with piss,
take this pipe down the trouser...
421
00:31:19,546 --> 00:31:23,710
and cellotape this valve
to the end of the old chap.
422
00:31:23,817 --> 00:31:27,685
Then you get horribly drunk,
and they can't fucking touch you.
423
00:31:27,788 --> 00:31:30,780
According
to these instructions,
424
00:31:30,891 --> 00:31:33,951
you refuse everything
but a urine sample.
425
00:31:34,061 --> 00:31:36,791
You undo your valve...
426
00:31:36,897 --> 00:31:40,492
and give 'em a dose
of unadulterated child's piss,
427
00:31:40,601 --> 00:31:43,627
and they have to give you
your keys back.
428
00:31:43,737 --> 00:31:47,833
Danny's a genius.
I'm gonna have a doze.
429
00:33:09,356 --> 00:33:11,950
- Are we there?
- No, we're not. We're here.
430
00:33:12,059 --> 00:33:15,392
We're in the middle
of a fucking gale.
431
00:33:15,495 --> 00:33:18,055
You'll have to keep
a look out your side.
432
00:33:18,165 --> 00:33:20,998
If you see anything, tell me.
Get hold of that map.
433
00:33:21,101 --> 00:33:23,831
- Where's the whiskey?
- What for?
434
00:33:23,937 --> 00:33:26,497
I got a bastard
behind the eyes.
435
00:33:26,607 --> 00:33:29,405
I can't take aspirins
without a drink.
436
00:33:29,509 --> 00:33:32,410
- Where's the aspirins?
- Probably in the bathroom.
437
00:33:32,512 --> 00:33:36,209
We've come out here in the middle
of nowhere without aspirins?
438
00:33:36,316 --> 00:33:39,581
- Where are we?
- How should I know where we are?
439
00:33:39,686 --> 00:33:43,087
I feel like a pig
shat in my head.
440
00:33:43,190 --> 00:33:46,751
Get hold of that map and look
for a place called Crow Crag.
441
00:34:03,877 --> 00:34:07,711
There must and shall be aspirin.
442
00:34:09,016 --> 00:34:12,076
Give me the keys.
Get out of the way.
443
00:34:12,185 --> 00:34:15,882
If I don't get aspirin,
I shall die...
444
00:34:15,989 --> 00:34:19,891
here on this
fucking mountainside!
445
00:34:35,242 --> 00:34:37,540
Christ Almighty!
446
00:35:12,145 --> 00:35:14,375
Monty.
447
00:35:31,298 --> 00:35:36,167
- What are you doing?
- Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.
448
00:35:39,006 --> 00:35:42,305
Right. Now, we're gonna have to
approach this scientifically.
449
00:35:42,409 --> 00:35:45,207
First thing we've got to do
is get this fire alight.
450
00:35:45,312 --> 00:35:47,542
Then we split into two
fact-finding groups.
451
00:35:47,647 --> 00:35:50,081
I'll deal with the water
and other plumbing.
452
00:35:50,183 --> 00:35:52,845
You can check the fuel
and wood situation.
453
00:35:56,990 --> 00:35:59,891
- What's that?
- The fuel and wood situation.
454
00:35:59,993 --> 00:36:02,985
There's nothing out there
except a hurricane.
455
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:10,128
- This place is uninhabitable.
- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
456
00:36:10,237 --> 00:36:13,331
Warm up? We may as well
sit around a cigarette.
457
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,000
This is ridiculous.
458
00:36:16,109 --> 00:36:19,442
We'll be found dead
in here next spring.
459
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,444
I've got a blinding
fucking headache.
460
00:36:23,550 --> 00:36:26,110
We must have heat.
461
00:36:29,356 --> 00:36:31,586
We've got to keep
this bastard burning.
462
00:36:31,691 --> 00:36:34,353
Well, we've got enough
furniture for tonight.
463
00:36:34,461 --> 00:36:37,362
Tomorrow we'll go down
that farm and get some logs.
464
00:36:37,464 --> 00:36:41,662
Mistake, I'm telling you.
This was a dreadful mistake.
465
00:38:52,699 --> 00:38:55,259
- Who's there?
- Me.
466
00:38:58,705 --> 00:39:00,605
What do you want?
467
00:39:00,707 --> 00:39:03,938
I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's.
He's lent us his cottage.
468
00:39:04,044 --> 00:39:08,504
I wondered if you could
sell us some food... eggs and things.
469
00:39:08,615 --> 00:39:11,175
Hmm?
470
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:16,847
What about wood and coal?
471
00:39:16,957 --> 00:39:19,926
I'm not from London, you know.
472
00:39:20,026 --> 00:39:23,291
I don't care
where you come from!
473
00:39:23,396 --> 00:39:26,263
Not the attitude
I'd been given to expect...
474
00:39:26,366 --> 00:39:28,596
from the H.E. Bates novel
I'd read.
475
00:39:28,702 --> 00:39:33,435
I thought they'd all be out the back,
drinking cider, discussing butter.
476
00:39:33,540 --> 00:39:35,440
Clearly a myth.
477
00:39:35,542 --> 00:39:39,638
Evidently, country people are
no more receptive to strangers
than city dwellers.
478
00:39:42,716 --> 00:39:46,618
Do you think you could tell me
where I could buy some coal and wood?
479
00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:49,848
You'll have to see me son.
He runs this farm.
480
00:39:49,956 --> 00:39:52,948
- Where is your son?
- Up in top fields.
481
00:39:53,059 --> 00:39:57,155
You can't miss him.
His leg's bound in polythene.
482
00:40:21,621 --> 00:40:25,022
Wake up, you bastard!
Wake up!
483
00:40:26,660 --> 00:40:29,993
Wake up, you bastard!
You gotta get wood.
484
00:40:31,931 --> 00:40:34,161
Jesus! You're covered in shit.
485
00:40:34,267 --> 00:40:36,167
I tried to get the fuel and wood.
486
00:40:36,269 --> 00:40:39,170
There's a miserable
little pensioner down there.
487
00:40:39,272 --> 00:40:42,002
- She wouldn't give it to me.
- Where are we gonna get it, then?
488
00:40:42,108 --> 00:40:44,406
There's a man on the mountain.
489
00:40:44,511 --> 00:40:48,038
Why he's up there fuck knows.
490
00:40:48,148 --> 00:40:50,878
But he's up there
with a leg in polythene.
491
00:40:50,984 --> 00:40:53,384
You can't miss him.
He's your man.
492
00:40:53,486 --> 00:40:56,182
And have another look
in that shed. Find anything.
493
00:40:56,289 --> 00:40:59,190
If you can't find anything,
bring in the shed.
494
00:41:03,630 --> 00:41:06,758
How come Monty owns
such a horrible little shack?
495
00:41:06,866 --> 00:41:08,800
No idea.
496
00:41:08,902 --> 00:41:11,462
You never discuss
your family, do you?
497
00:41:11,571 --> 00:41:14,369
I fail to see my family
as of any interest to you.
498
00:41:14,474 --> 00:41:17,034
I have absolutely
no interest in yours.
499
00:41:17,143 --> 00:41:20,772
I dislike relatives in general,
my own in particular.
500
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:24,213
- Why?
- Because... I've told you why.
501
00:41:24,317 --> 00:41:28,276
We're incompatible.
They don't like me being on stage.
502
00:41:28,388 --> 00:41:31,050
Then they must be delighted
with your career.
503
00:41:31,157 --> 00:41:33,819
- What do you mean?
- You rarely are.
504
00:41:33,927 --> 00:41:36,122
You just wait!
Just you wait!
505
00:41:36,229 --> 00:41:39,289
When I strike, they
won't know what hit them.
506
00:41:39,399 --> 00:41:41,594
Tractor approaching.
507
00:41:41,701 --> 00:41:44,670
Now get after him.
That's the man.
508
00:41:47,140 --> 00:41:50,405
- Hey, stop!
- Stop!
509
00:41:50,510 --> 00:41:52,478
Stop! Please!
510
00:41:52,579 --> 00:41:55,275
Stop, please!
Please stop!
511
00:41:58,451 --> 00:42:01,147
Please stop!
512
00:42:01,254 --> 00:42:04,155
- Are you the farmer?
- Shut up! I'll deal with this!
513
00:42:04,257 --> 00:42:06,350
We've gone on holiday
by mistake.
514
00:42:06,459 --> 00:42:08,825
We're in this cottage here.
Are you the farmer?
515
00:42:08,928 --> 00:42:11,988
Stop saying that, Withnail!
Of course he's the fucking farmer!
516
00:42:12,098 --> 00:42:15,226
We're friends
of Montague Withnail.
517
00:42:15,335 --> 00:42:17,929
We desperately need
fuel and wood.
518
00:42:18,037 --> 00:42:21,336
Montague Withnail.
You must know him!
519
00:42:21,441 --> 00:42:23,602
Fat man, owns the cottage.
520
00:42:23,710 --> 00:42:26,611
I seen a fat man.
London type. Queer sort.
521
00:42:26,713 --> 00:42:28,943
Think his name's French, or summit.
522
00:42:29,048 --> 00:42:31,676
- French?
- Aye. Adriene De La Touche.
523
00:42:31,785 --> 00:42:34,345
He ain't been here
for a couple of years.
524
00:42:34,454 --> 00:42:37,753
- Last time I saw him
he was with his son.
- Yeah, that's him.
525
00:42:37,857 --> 00:42:42,055
Listen, we're bona fide.
We're not from London.
Could we have some fuel and wood?
526
00:42:42,162 --> 00:42:45,529
I could bring you some logs up later.
I've got the cows to feed first.
527
00:42:45,632 --> 00:42:48,066
- When?
- Shut up! That would be very kind.
528
00:42:48,168 --> 00:42:51,331
What about food? Do you think
you could sell us something to eat?
529
00:42:51,438 --> 00:42:54,407
I could bring you a chicken,
but you'll have to go to the village.
530
00:42:54,507 --> 00:42:56,566
- That would be very kind, Mr...
- Parkin.
531
00:42:56,676 --> 00:42:59,577
Mr. Parkin.
What happened to your leg?
532
00:42:59,679 --> 00:43:03,012
Got a randy bull up there.
Give me one in the knee.
533
00:43:16,629 --> 00:43:19,496
You wanna go out back?
Get some spuds up?
534
00:43:19,599 --> 00:43:23,330
Sorry, I can't.
My boots are in the oven.
535
00:43:23,436 --> 00:43:26,166
- You'd go if you had boots?
536
00:43:26,272 --> 00:43:28,263
Gladly.
537
00:43:53,533 --> 00:43:56,024
- I've got one!
538
00:44:21,694 --> 00:44:24,925
- Great. How much do we owe you?
- Pay us when you come down.
539
00:44:25,031 --> 00:44:27,295
- What about this chicken?
- He's on the back.
540
00:44:37,877 --> 00:44:40,812
With. With.
541
00:44:40,914 --> 00:44:44,008
Parkin's been.
There's our supper.
542
00:44:44,117 --> 00:44:46,915
- What are we supposed to do with that?
- Eat it.
543
00:44:47,020 --> 00:44:48,954
Eat it?
The fucker's alive.
544
00:44:49,055 --> 00:44:50,955
- Yeah, I know that.
You've gotta kill it.
- Me?
545
00:44:51,057 --> 00:44:55,084
- I'm fire lighter and fuel collector.
- Yeah, I know that,
but I got the logs in.
546
00:44:59,599 --> 00:45:02,295
It takes away your appetite
looking at it.
547
00:45:02,402 --> 00:45:04,893
No, it doesn't.
I'm starving.
548
00:45:05,004 --> 00:45:08,132
- How can we make it die?
- You have to throttle them.
549
00:45:08,241 --> 00:45:12,871
I think you should strangle it
instantly, in case it starts
to make friends with us.
550
00:45:12,979 --> 00:45:16,745
All right, get hold of it.
You hold it down. I'll strangle it.
551
00:45:16,849 --> 00:45:20,910
I can't. Those dreadful, beady eyes.
They stare you out.
552
00:45:21,020 --> 00:45:24,888
It's a bloody chicken! Just think
of it with bacon across its back.
553
00:45:24,991 --> 00:45:27,516
All right,
I'll deal with this.
554
00:45:27,627 --> 00:45:30,187
You'll have to get
its guts out.
555
00:45:37,570 --> 00:45:40,698
Never point guns at people!
It's extremely dangerous.
556
00:45:40,807 --> 00:45:43,640
What about this roasting dish?
What are we gonna cook it in?
557
00:45:43,743 --> 00:45:47,474
You're the food and plumbings man.
I have no idea.
I wish I'd found this an hour ago.
558
00:45:47,580 --> 00:45:50,344
I'd have taken great pleasure
in gunning this pullet down.
559
00:45:53,786 --> 00:45:56,812
- Shouldn't it be more bald than that?
- No, it shouldn't.
560
00:45:56,923 --> 00:46:01,519
Right. We're gonna
have to reverse the roles.
561
00:46:01,628 --> 00:46:05,826
We can bake the potatoes
in the oven...
562
00:46:05,932 --> 00:46:08,628
and we can boil
this bastard over the fire.
563
00:46:08,735 --> 00:46:11,499
- Let's get its feet off.
- No.
564
00:46:11,604 --> 00:46:14,095
It's gonna need its feet.
565
00:46:29,288 --> 00:46:32,018
It can stand with its legs
on either side of that.
566
00:46:39,499 --> 00:46:42,764
I've already put
two shilling pieces in.
567
00:46:42,869 --> 00:46:45,633
No, I haven't got another.
568
00:46:45,738 --> 00:46:49,037
It's not my fault
if the system doesn't work.
569
00:46:51,444 --> 00:46:53,810
The bitch hung up on me.
570
00:47:08,194 --> 00:47:11,163
Hello? How are you?
571
00:47:11,264 --> 00:47:13,926
Very well.
572
00:47:14,033 --> 00:47:18,402
A what? Why
wouldn't they see me?
573
00:47:18,504 --> 00:47:20,870
This is ridiculous.
574
00:47:20,973 --> 00:47:23,669
I haven't been up for a job
in three months!
575
00:47:23,776 --> 00:47:27,268
Understudy Constantine?
I'm not going to understudy Constantine.
576
00:47:27,380 --> 00:47:29,610
Why can't I play the part?
577
00:47:29,716 --> 00:47:31,946
This is ridiculous.
578
00:47:32,051 --> 00:47:34,918
No, I'm not in London.
Penrith.
579
00:47:35,021 --> 00:47:37,148
Penrith!
580
00:47:37,256 --> 00:47:39,281
Well, what about TV?
581
00:47:40,526 --> 00:47:43,290
Listen, I pay you
ten percent to do that.
582
00:47:43,396 --> 00:47:46,957
Well, lick ten percent
of the asses for me, then!
583
00:47:47,066 --> 00:47:49,796
Hello? Hello? Hello?
584
00:47:49,902 --> 00:47:54,464
Hello? How dare you?
Fuck you!
585
00:47:56,976 --> 00:48:01,777
The bastard asked me to understudy
Constantine in The Seagull.
586
00:48:04,117 --> 00:48:08,247
I don't want to understudy anybody,
especially that little pimp.
587
00:48:09,756 --> 00:48:12,350
Anyway, I loathe
those Russian plays.
588
00:48:12,458 --> 00:48:15,359
Always full of women
staring out of windows,
589
00:48:15,461 --> 00:48:17,520
whining about ducks
going to Moscow.
590
00:48:28,241 --> 00:48:30,869
What do you think
of Desmond Wolfe?
591
00:48:30,977 --> 00:48:34,105
- In respect of what?
- I'm thinking of changing my name.
592
00:48:34,213 --> 00:48:37,376
It's too like Donald Wolfit.
593
00:48:37,483 --> 00:48:39,508
Changeover point.
594
00:48:44,123 --> 00:48:46,683
- Think he's happier than us?
- No.
595
00:48:51,864 --> 00:48:53,991
I suppose happiness
is relative.
596
00:48:54,100 --> 00:48:56,830
I never thought it would be
a polythene bag without a hole in it.
597
00:48:56,936 --> 00:49:00,064
- Hey!
- What's the matter with him?
598
00:49:00,173 --> 00:49:03,506
- Shut the gate!
- You didn't shut the gate!
599
00:49:03,609 --> 00:49:05,600
Stop that bull!
600
00:49:07,446 --> 00:49:09,744
Stop that bull!
601
00:49:13,052 --> 00:49:16,112
Grab its ring!
Keep your bag up!
602
00:49:16,222 --> 00:49:18,588
Out-mind him.
603
00:49:18,691 --> 00:49:21,717
Hey, show no fear.
Just run at it.
604
00:49:21,828 --> 00:49:24,160
That can't be sensible, can it?
The bastard's about to run at me!
605
00:49:24,263 --> 00:49:26,561
- Well, he's randy!
- Yes, I know he is!
606
00:49:26,666 --> 00:49:28,964
Wants to get down there
and have sex with those cows.
607
00:49:29,068 --> 00:49:31,195
Shut up!
608
00:49:31,304 --> 00:49:35,400
- Run at it, shouting!
- Do as he says, start shouting.
609
00:49:37,810 --> 00:49:41,473
- He won't gore you.
- A coward you are, Withnail!
610
00:49:41,581 --> 00:49:44,812
An expert on bulls
you are not!
611
00:49:57,263 --> 00:49:59,163
Shut that gate
and keep it shut!
612
00:50:02,068 --> 00:50:04,969
I think an evening at the Crow.
613
00:50:07,740 --> 00:50:11,574
If the Crow and Crown
ever had life, it was dead now.
614
00:50:11,677 --> 00:50:14,202
It was like
walking into a lung,
615
00:50:14,313 --> 00:50:18,545
a sulfer-stained, nicotine
yellow and fly-blown lung.
616
00:50:18,651 --> 00:50:22,781
Its landlord was a retired alcoholic
with military pretensions...
617
00:50:22,889 --> 00:50:25,255
and a complexion
like the inside of a teapot.
618
00:50:26,259 --> 00:50:29,524
By the time the doors opened,
he was arse-holed on rum...
619
00:50:29,629 --> 00:50:31,756
and got progressively
more arse-holed...
620
00:50:31,864 --> 00:50:35,129
till he could take no more
621
00:50:38,070 --> 00:50:40,766
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
622
00:50:58,424 --> 00:51:01,359
Thought I was going
for a minute.
623
00:51:01,460 --> 00:51:03,451
No man's put me down yet.
624
00:51:03,562 --> 00:51:05,655
Have you had any training
in the martial arts?
625
00:51:05,765 --> 00:51:08,165
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I have.
626
00:51:08,267 --> 00:51:11,134
Before I became a journalist,
I was in the Territorials.
627
00:51:11,237 --> 00:51:14,035
You know,
when you first came in,
628
00:51:14,140 --> 00:51:17,109
I knew you were a services man.
629
00:51:17,209 --> 00:51:20,667
You could never, never disguise it.
630
00:51:23,282 --> 00:51:26,513
- What were you in?
- Tanks.
631
00:51:26,619 --> 00:51:29,884
Africa Corps.
Little before your time.
632
00:51:29,989 --> 00:51:32,719
I don't suppose you've
engaged, have you?
633
00:51:32,825 --> 00:51:36,989
- Ireland.
- Ooh, crack at the Mick?
634
00:51:37,096 --> 00:51:40,031
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
635
00:51:40,132 --> 00:51:42,692
These shall be my pleasure.
636
00:51:48,074 --> 00:51:50,042
What are you doing
up here, then?
637
00:51:50,142 --> 00:51:52,110
We're doing
a feature for Country Life.
638
00:51:52,211 --> 00:51:54,111
Survey of rural types.
639
00:51:54,213 --> 00:51:58,547
You know, farmers,
traveling tinkers,
640
00:51:58,651 --> 00:52:01,017
milkmen, that sort of thing.
641
00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:03,020
Have you...
642
00:52:05,524 --> 00:52:07,651
Have you metJake?
643
00:52:07,760 --> 00:52:10,320
Poacher.
Works the lake.
644
00:52:10,429 --> 00:52:13,956
But, uh, keep it
under your hat, hmm?
645
00:52:24,810 --> 00:52:26,903
What's all this army bollocks?
646
00:52:27,013 --> 00:52:29,641
We got a drink, didn't we?
647
00:52:32,385 --> 00:52:34,945
Time, gentlemen.
648
00:52:37,289 --> 00:52:39,280
I think he means it.
649
00:53:10,356 --> 00:53:13,450
- Go ask him if we can have one.
- What for?
650
00:53:13,559 --> 00:53:17,188
So we can eat it.
We're fed up with stew!
651
00:53:23,536 --> 00:53:26,528
Excuse me.
Could we have an eel?
652
00:53:26,639 --> 00:53:30,234
- You've got eels down your leg.
- You leave them alone.
653
00:53:30,342 --> 00:53:34,176
Nothing down there
of interest to you.
654
00:53:34,280 --> 00:53:37,044
Help us out, Raymond.
655
00:53:37,149 --> 00:53:41,313
These be fed
from asshole to beak.
656
00:53:43,155 --> 00:53:47,182
How about one of those pheasants?
Go on, ask him.
657
00:53:48,961 --> 00:53:52,727
Excuse me. We were wondering if we
could purchase a pheasant off of you?
658
00:53:52,832 --> 00:53:55,164
No. I've got nothing to sell.
659
00:53:55,267 --> 00:53:58,236
Come on, old boy.
What's in your hump?
660
00:53:58,337 --> 00:54:03,240
Now look, you. Them pheasants are
for his pot. These here are for my pot.
661
00:54:03,342 --> 00:54:06,277
Now what makes you think I should
give you something for your pot?
662
00:54:06,378 --> 00:54:09,142
- What pot?
- Our cooking pot.
663
00:54:09,248 --> 00:54:12,945
He knows. Hey, give us
a wheeze on that fag.
664
00:54:16,755 --> 00:54:20,191
I might come and see you lads in a week.
I might fetch you up a rabbit.
665
00:54:20,292 --> 00:54:23,056
We don't want a rabbit.
We want a pheasant.
666
00:54:23,162 --> 00:54:26,188
Listen, you young prat.
I ain't got no pheasants.
667
00:54:26,298 --> 00:54:28,823
I ain't got no birds,
no more than you have.
668
00:54:28,934 --> 00:54:32,062
Of course you have.
You're the poacher.
669
00:54:32,171 --> 00:54:35,163
If I hear more words
out of you,
670
00:54:35,274 --> 00:54:38,505
I'll put one of these here
black pods on you.
671
00:54:38,611 --> 00:54:41,671
- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Half dead, he may be.
672
00:54:41,780 --> 00:54:45,443
But I'll come up after you,
and I'll wake you up with a live one.
673
00:54:45,551 --> 00:54:49,510
Sod your pheasants!
You'll have to find us first.
674
00:54:49,622 --> 00:54:52,455
I know where you are,
at Crow Crag.
675
00:54:52,558 --> 00:54:54,651
I've been watching you.
676
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:57,524
Especially you,
prancing like a tit.
677
00:54:59,298 --> 00:55:02,096
You want working on, boy.
678
00:55:02,201 --> 00:55:06,001
If I see that silage heap
hanging about up here,
679
00:55:06,105 --> 00:55:09,336
I'll take the bastard
axe to him!
680
00:55:09,441 --> 00:55:13,343
Bastards!
You'll all suffer!
681
00:55:13,445 --> 00:55:15,913
I'll show the lot of you!
682
00:55:16,015 --> 00:55:19,451
I'm gonna be a star!
683
00:55:23,255 --> 00:55:25,348
Vegetables again.
684
00:55:25,424 --> 00:55:28,086
I'll be sprouting
bloody feelers soon.
685
00:55:28,194 --> 00:55:31,061
Must be 20,000 sheep
out there on those volcanoes,
686
00:55:31,163 --> 00:55:33,757
and we got a plate
full of carrots.
687
00:55:33,866 --> 00:55:37,233
- There's black puddings in it.
- Black puddings are no good to us.
688
00:55:37,336 --> 00:55:40,134
I want something's flesh!
689
00:55:51,717 --> 00:55:54,481
Look! Come here!
Down here. Look.
690
00:55:54,587 --> 00:55:57,317
Under the rock. I can see it.
691
00:55:58,557 --> 00:56:01,253
See him? Look.
692
00:56:01,360 --> 00:56:03,590
He's over there.
Look. Here.
693
00:56:03,696 --> 00:56:06,529
There's two of them here.
Look. Come on, come on.
694
00:56:06,632 --> 00:56:08,793
Where?
695
00:56:31,924 --> 00:56:35,121
I think I'll call myself
Donald Twain.
696
00:56:36,228 --> 00:56:40,358
Stop. Get down.
697
00:56:41,934 --> 00:56:44,402
It's him.
What does he want?
698
00:56:44,503 --> 00:56:47,870
- Go down there and ask him.
- Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.
699
00:56:47,973 --> 00:56:50,635
Bastard's psychotic.
You've only got to look at him.
700
00:57:00,953 --> 00:57:04,184
This place has become impossible.
701
00:57:04,290 --> 00:57:07,748
Perpetual rain, freezing cold.
702
00:57:07,860 --> 00:57:10,624
Now a bloody madman
on the prowl outside with eels.
703
00:57:10,729 --> 00:57:13,493
All right,
you made your point.
704
00:57:13,599 --> 00:57:16,762
We pack up.
We get out tomorrow.
705
00:57:16,869 --> 00:57:18,962
- What are you doing?
- I'm going for a slash.
706
00:57:19,071 --> 00:57:21,665
No, you're not. I can't get
my boots on when they're hot.
707
00:57:21,774 --> 00:57:24,504
- I'll go alone.
- You're not leaving me in here alone.
708
00:57:24,610 --> 00:57:28,171
- Those are the kind of windows
faces look in at.
- Then I won't have a slash.
709
00:57:28,280 --> 00:57:30,510
And in both our interests, I think
we should sleep together tonight.
710
00:57:30,616 --> 00:57:33,676
Don't be ridiculous.
He's not gonna come up here in the dark.
711
00:57:33,786 --> 00:57:36,186
Of course he is.
If he catches one of us,
712
00:57:36,288 --> 00:57:39,018
he's got a better chance
of dealing with the other.
713
00:57:39,124 --> 00:57:41,718
No.
714
00:57:54,773 --> 00:57:58,140
What's the matter with you?
What are you laughing at?
715
00:57:58,243 --> 00:58:00,609
I was dreaming.
What do you want?
716
00:58:00,713 --> 00:58:04,171
You frightened the piss out of me.
Move over. I'm getting in.
717
00:58:08,721 --> 00:58:12,213
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'll have to sleep in your bed.
718
00:58:12,324 --> 00:58:14,724
- I'll have to come with you.
- Will you get out?
719
00:58:14,827 --> 00:58:17,591
- No.
- All right, then I will.
720
00:58:26,038 --> 00:58:28,939
All right, you can stay,
but the gun doesn't.
721
00:58:29,041 --> 00:58:31,737
No. I have to keep the gun.
I intend to remain awake.
722
00:58:31,844 --> 00:58:34,438
- This is my bed,
and I demand precedence.
- No!
723
00:58:40,185 --> 00:58:43,416
Mad fucking bastard!
724
00:59:06,078 --> 00:59:09,047
Shhh! Shhh!
725
00:59:09,148 --> 00:59:12,276
- Listen.
- There is nothing! Get to bed!
726
00:59:12,384 --> 00:59:14,784
I heard a noise.
727
00:59:14,887 --> 00:59:16,787
I must get in.
728
00:59:18,590 --> 00:59:22,048
Oh, for fuck's sake.
729
00:59:22,161 --> 00:59:24,356
- What was that?
- That's it. That's it.
730
00:59:24,463 --> 00:59:27,057
- What is it?
- It's the killer.
731
00:59:27,166 --> 00:59:31,125
- It's probably foxes looking for grub.
- Listen. Listen.
732
00:59:31,236 --> 00:59:33,966
Maybe it's the farmer.
733
00:59:34,072 --> 00:59:37,906
At 2:00 in the morning?
It's the killer.
734
00:59:38,010 --> 00:59:41,502
He's come to kill us.
What are we gonna do?
735
00:59:44,082 --> 00:59:47,017
He wants to come in.
He's trying to get in.
736
00:59:47,119 --> 00:59:50,111
He can't. He'll go away.
737
00:59:50,222 --> 00:59:52,315
He's going away.
738
00:59:57,696 --> 00:59:59,823
This is all your fault.
739
00:59:59,932 --> 01:00:02,901
You've even given him
the fucking gun.
740
01:00:07,806 --> 01:00:11,003
He's coming through the window.
He's getting in.
741
01:00:11,109 --> 01:00:14,272
- Give me the matches.
- Downstairs.
742
01:00:15,948 --> 01:00:20,510
He's in.
He's sharpening a fucking knife.
743
01:00:22,721 --> 01:00:26,122
We'll have to tackle him. You stay
in bed, pretending to be asleep.
744
01:00:26,225 --> 01:00:29,126
He'll go for you.
When he does, I'll jump on his back.
745
01:00:29,228 --> 01:00:32,163
No, no, no. It'll be too late.
I'll be knifed by then.
746
01:00:32,264 --> 01:00:35,097
We'll have to try
and make friends with him.
747
01:00:41,139 --> 01:00:44,506
They're going into your room.
It's you he wants.
748
01:00:44,610 --> 01:00:47,773
Offer him yourself.
749
01:00:58,524 --> 01:01:01,857
We mean no harm!
750
01:01:01,960 --> 01:01:06,294
Oh, my boys!
My boys! Forgive me!
751
01:01:06,398 --> 01:01:10,494
- Monty! Monty, Monty!
- Monty, you terrible cunt!
752
01:01:10,602 --> 01:01:13,833
Forgive me. It was inconsiderate
of me not to have telegrammed.
753
01:01:13,939 --> 01:01:16,931
What are you doing, prowling around
in the middle of the fucking night!
754
01:01:17,042 --> 01:01:20,978
I had a punctured tire.
I had to wait an eon for assistance.
755
01:01:21,079 --> 01:01:24,378
I'm sorry if I frightened you.
I should have knocked, but...
756
01:01:24,483 --> 01:01:28,476
- l- l-I'll sleep
in the other room, if I may.
- Anywhere you like.
757
01:01:28,587 --> 01:01:32,079
Uh, yes, well.
Uh... good night.
758
01:01:36,261 --> 01:01:39,424
Brrr! Ah, good morning.
Did you sleep well?
759
01:01:39,531 --> 01:01:41,431
Mm-hmm.
760
01:01:46,004 --> 01:01:49,371
Um, l-l-I do apologize
for last night.
761
01:01:49,474 --> 01:01:53,376
- It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.
- It's perfectly all right, Monty.
762
01:01:53,478 --> 01:01:56,311
- You've been busy in here?
- As a bee.
763
01:01:56,415 --> 01:02:00,351
- How did you repair the window?
- Oh, I didn't break it.
764
01:02:00,452 --> 01:02:05,116
Merely forced it a little.
Sorry if I frightened you.
765
01:02:05,223 --> 01:02:08,317
There was an empty
wine bottle on the ledge.
766
01:02:08,427 --> 01:02:11,555
Oh, tomatoes. Yes.
767
01:02:17,202 --> 01:02:20,660
Why don't you go and wake him?
Breakfast in 15 minutes.
768
01:02:20,772 --> 01:02:25,106
The old order changeth,
769
01:02:25,210 --> 01:02:28,702
yielding place to new.
770
01:02:28,814 --> 01:02:33,547
And God fulfills Himself
in many ways.
771
01:02:33,652 --> 01:02:36,120
And soon...
772
01:02:37,222 --> 01:02:39,520
I suppose...
773
01:02:39,625 --> 01:02:41,718
I shall be swept away...
774
01:02:41,827 --> 01:02:45,126
by some vulgar little tumor.
775
01:02:46,598 --> 01:02:49,032
Oh, my boys.
776
01:02:49,134 --> 01:02:52,592
My boys,
we're at the end of an age.
777
01:02:52,704 --> 01:02:56,003
We live in a land
of weather forecasts...
778
01:02:56,108 --> 01:02:59,009
and breakfasts that 'set in,'
779
01:02:59,111 --> 01:03:03,047
shat on by Tories,
shoveled up by Labor.
780
01:03:03,148 --> 01:03:06,948
And here we are... we three...
781
01:03:07,052 --> 01:03:11,455
perhaps the last island
of beauty in the world.
782
01:03:14,559 --> 01:03:18,427
Now, which of you is going to be
a splendid fellow...
783
01:03:18,530 --> 01:03:21,522
and go down to the Rolls
for the rest of the wine?
784
01:03:21,633 --> 01:03:24,898
- I will.
- No, I'd better go.
I wanna dig the car out anyway.
785
01:03:25,003 --> 01:03:28,769
- But we have my car, dear boy.
- Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.
786
01:03:28,874 --> 01:03:31,206
- I mean...
- Stranded!
787
01:03:31,309 --> 01:03:34,801
- We'll leave the car till later.
Leave this to me.
- I'll come. I fancy a walk.
788
01:03:34,913 --> 01:03:38,747
No, I hear you're
a little wizard in the kitchen.
I shall need you, to work the joint.
789
01:03:38,850 --> 01:03:43,719
- Yeah, you're the cook.
- And... what on earth are those?
790
01:03:43,822 --> 01:03:46,154
- We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.
- Oh, but how dreadful.
791
01:03:46,258 --> 01:03:49,489
Do you mean you've been up here
in all this beastly mud and oomska
without Wellingtons?
792
01:03:49,594 --> 01:03:52,392
Well, this afternoon
I shall take you both into Penrith...
793
01:03:52,497 --> 01:03:56,126
and get you fitted with some
good quality rubber boots.
794
01:03:59,738 --> 01:04:03,230
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
795
01:04:04,976 --> 01:04:07,968
I brought two of these in case either
of you was any good in the kitchen.
796
01:04:08,080 --> 01:04:11,345
- I'm not.
- Of course you are. Cooking
is one of the natural instincts.
797
01:04:11,450 --> 01:04:15,181
Listen, Monty.
This is all very kind of you,
798
01:04:15,287 --> 01:04:17,755
but I really think I ought to be
out there getting work done on the car.
799
01:04:17,856 --> 01:04:20,450
You haven't time.
We're taking late luncheon at 3:00.
800
01:04:20,559 --> 01:04:23,619
- I'm afraid we have to leave
by 3:00, Monty.
- Leave?
801
01:04:23,729 --> 01:04:26,596
Oh, didn't he tell you?
We have to get back to sign on.
802
01:04:26,698 --> 01:04:32,193
- Sign on? At the Labor Exchange?
- Yeah.
803
01:04:32,304 --> 01:04:36,673
It's sort of fashionable, actually.
All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.
804
01:04:38,343 --> 01:04:42,712
But surely you could forego
for just this one occasion.
805
01:04:42,814 --> 01:04:45,647
I've come a very long way
to see you both.
806
01:04:45,751 --> 01:04:50,688
Can't, actually. I mean,
I'd love to stay, but he's more
adamant to get back than I am.
807
01:04:50,789 --> 01:04:53,917
Then we must choose
our moment...
808
01:04:56,161 --> 01:04:59,426
and have a word with him.
809
01:05:02,033 --> 01:05:04,797
I'm sure together
we could persuade him.
810
01:05:07,372 --> 01:05:10,864
There. Now, garlic,
811
01:05:10,976 --> 01:05:13,638
rosemary and salt.
812
01:05:13,745 --> 01:05:16,942
I can never touch meat
until it's cooked.
813
01:05:17,048 --> 01:05:20,313
As a youth, I used to weep
in butcher shops.
814
01:05:20,418 --> 01:05:23,581
- I can't find the rosemary.
- Ah.
815
01:05:25,657 --> 01:05:28,524
Can't find the rosemary.
816
01:05:30,195 --> 01:05:32,163
I'm sure we could find it
together.
817
01:05:35,066 --> 01:05:38,160
- Perhaps it's in the other bag.
- Perhaps it is.
818
01:05:38,270 --> 01:05:40,170
Shall we look?
819
01:05:44,009 --> 01:05:46,534
Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.
820
01:05:52,017 --> 01:05:55,077
What do you mean, "sorry"? What's
going on? What's he doing here?
821
01:05:55,187 --> 01:05:57,451
We can't stay.
He won't leave me alone.
822
01:05:57,556 --> 01:05:59,956
All right. We'll get the lunch done,
and then we'll leave.
823
01:06:01,693 --> 01:06:05,254
I'm afraid
we must drink from these.
824
01:06:10,335 --> 01:06:13,600
I trust their shapes
will not offend your palates.
825
01:06:13,705 --> 01:06:18,108
- Chin-chin.
- To a delightful weekend in the country.
826
01:06:42,634 --> 01:06:44,966
I do think you could have shaved.
827
01:06:45,070 --> 01:06:48,164
What on earth will people
think of me turning up with you two?
828
01:06:48,273 --> 01:06:50,571
You look like a pair
of farm hands.
829
01:06:56,648 --> 01:06:58,548
Tsk!
830
01:06:58,650 --> 01:07:00,550
This is most embarrassing.
831
01:07:02,787 --> 01:07:05,255
Get away from the car.
832
01:07:05,357 --> 01:07:08,258
Buy the Wellingtons.
833
01:07:08,360 --> 01:07:11,761
I'm going to buy some razors
and shaving soap.
834
01:07:11,863 --> 01:07:14,627
I'll see you over there
in half an hour.
835
01:07:14,733 --> 01:07:17,634
- Pair of blues.
- One each.
836
01:07:19,137 --> 01:07:21,605
- I think a drink, don't you?
- What about the Wellingtons?
837
01:07:21,706 --> 01:07:23,606
Oh, bollocks
to the Wellingtons.
838
01:07:23,708 --> 01:07:26,609
We'll tell them they had a farmer's
conference and had a run on them.
839
01:07:36,087 --> 01:07:39,181
Okay. Yeah. Promise.
840
01:07:39,291 --> 01:07:41,657
Bye.
841
01:07:44,963 --> 01:07:49,923
No, hasn't heard a thing.
Apparently, they're still seeing people.
842
01:07:50,035 --> 01:07:53,027
You don't want to go to Manchester
anyway. Play a bloody soldier?
843
01:07:53,138 --> 01:07:55,470
Don't I?
I damned well do.
844
01:07:55,573 --> 01:07:58,269
- It's a bloody good little theater.
- It's not much of a part, is it?
845
01:07:58,376 --> 01:08:00,344
Well, it's better than nothing.
846
01:08:00,445 --> 01:08:03,846
- They'll make you cut your hair.
- So what? You'd lose a leg.
847
01:08:03,949 --> 01:08:06,918
- Time gents, please.
- All right. We're gonna
have to work quickly.
848
01:08:07,018 --> 01:08:10,681
A pair of quadruple whiskies
and another pair of pints, please.
849
01:08:14,859 --> 01:08:18,351
Where is he?
I'm utterly assholed.
850
01:08:18,463 --> 01:08:20,363
We're early.
851
01:08:22,367 --> 01:08:25,165
We want to get in there,
don't we?
852
01:08:25,270 --> 01:08:28,103
Eat some cake,
soak up the booze.
853
01:08:39,384 --> 01:08:41,682
- All right here?
- What do you want?
854
01:08:41,786 --> 01:08:45,916
- Cake. All right here?
- Uh, no. We're closing in a minute.
855
01:08:46,024 --> 01:08:48,424
We're leaving in a minute.
856
01:08:53,565 --> 01:08:57,763
- We want cake and tea.
- Didn't you hear?
857
01:08:57,869 --> 01:09:01,134
She said she'd closed.
What do you want in here?
858
01:09:01,239 --> 01:09:04,766
Cake.
What's it got to do with you?
859
01:09:04,876 --> 01:09:07,572
I happen to be the proprietor.
860
01:09:07,679 --> 01:09:10,113
Now, would you leave?
861
01:09:10,215 --> 01:09:13,412
Ah, I'm glad
you're the proprietor.
862
01:09:13,518 --> 01:09:16,453
I was gonna have to have
a word with you anyway.
863
01:09:16,554 --> 01:09:18,988
We're working on a film up here.
864
01:09:19,090 --> 01:09:21,615
Location, see.
865
01:09:21,726 --> 01:09:24,388
We might want to do
a film in here.
866
01:09:24,496 --> 01:09:29,126
- You're drunk.
- Just bring out the cakes.
Cake and fine wine.
867
01:09:29,234 --> 01:09:32,567
- If you don't leave,
we'll call the police.
- Balls!
868
01:09:32,670 --> 01:09:35,298
We want the finest wines
available to humanity.
869
01:09:35,407 --> 01:09:37,773
And we want them here,
and we want them now.
870
01:09:37,876 --> 01:09:40,242
Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police.
871
01:09:40,345 --> 01:09:44,748
It's all right,
Miss Blenehassitt.
872
01:09:44,849 --> 01:09:49,047
I'm warning you,
if you do, you're fired.
873
01:09:49,154 --> 01:09:51,645
We're multimillionaires.
874
01:09:51,756 --> 01:09:54,088
We shall buy this place
and fire you immediately.
875
01:09:54,192 --> 01:09:59,129
Yes, we'll buy this place, and we'll
install a fucking jukebox in here...
876
01:09:59,230 --> 01:10:02,757
and liven
all of you stiffs up a bit.
877
01:10:02,867 --> 01:10:05,233
The police, Miss Blenehassitt.
878
01:10:05,336 --> 01:10:09,295
Just say there are a couple of drunks
in the Penrith Tea Rooms,
and we want them removed.
879
01:10:09,407 --> 01:10:12,774
We are not drunks.
We are multimillionaires.
880
01:10:12,877 --> 01:10:16,278
Hurry up, Mabs.
We'll keep them here till they arrive.
881
01:10:16,381 --> 01:10:18,542
You won't keep us anywhere.
882
01:10:18,650 --> 01:10:20,777
We'll buy this place
and have it knocked down.
883
01:10:20,885 --> 01:10:23,183
- Right, right, right.
- Police, please.
884
01:10:23,288 --> 01:10:25,916
Right. We're going.
885
01:10:26,024 --> 01:10:29,016
Our car has arrived.
886
01:10:29,127 --> 01:10:31,652
We'll be back.
887
01:10:31,763 --> 01:10:35,756
We're coming back in here.
888
01:10:40,772 --> 01:10:43,434
- Where is he?
- Sulking up the hill.
889
01:10:43,541 --> 01:10:45,907
He says he won't come in
for lunch without an apology.
890
01:10:46,010 --> 01:10:48,410
Suits me.
He can eat his fucking radish.
891
01:10:50,181 --> 01:10:52,081
It's all your fault.
892
01:10:52,183 --> 01:10:56,085
- You lead him astray.
- I beg your pardon, Monty.
893
01:10:56,187 --> 01:11:00,317
Don't tell me you're not aware of it.
I know what you're up to, and so do you.
894
01:11:00,425 --> 01:11:03,917
- Sherry?
- Sherry? Oh, dear, no, no, no.
895
01:11:04,028 --> 01:11:08,590
I'd be sucked into his trap.
One of us has got to stay on guard.
896
01:11:08,700 --> 01:11:11,863
He's so mauve.
We don't know what he's planning.
897
01:11:22,413 --> 01:11:25,644
I'm preparing myself
to forgive you.
898
01:11:27,619 --> 01:11:30,554
I think
you've been punished enough.
899
01:11:32,290 --> 01:11:35,657
I think we'd better release you
from the l�gumes...
900
01:11:35,760 --> 01:11:38,251
and transfer your talents
to the meat.
901
01:11:45,737 --> 01:11:48,570
You shouldn't treat each other
so badly.
902
01:11:48,673 --> 01:11:51,767
This boy's been out there
frozen to the marrow,
903
01:11:51,876 --> 01:11:54,276
and you just sit in here
drinking.
904
01:11:54,379 --> 01:11:58,509
Come along. He's going
to revitalize himself, and you're
going to finish the vegetables.
905
01:11:58,616 --> 01:12:01,050
- I don't know how to do them.
- Well, of course you don't.
906
01:12:01,152 --> 01:12:03,552
You are incapable of indulging
in anything but pleasure.
907
01:12:03,655 --> 01:12:06,590
Am I not right?
You don't deserve such loyalty.
908
01:12:06,691 --> 01:12:11,321
Now, come along. I'm going
to teach you how to peel a potato.
909
01:12:16,668 --> 01:12:19,899
Isn't it stimulating, getting back
to a basic sort of life for a while?
910
01:12:20,004 --> 01:12:22,768
- Yes.
- Surrounded by trees and nature,
911
01:12:22,874 --> 01:12:25,866
one feels a glorious stirring
of the senses...
912
01:12:25,977 --> 01:12:28,275
a rejection
of poisonous inhibition...
913
01:12:28,379 --> 01:12:30,870
and a fecund motion of the soul.
914
01:12:30,982 --> 01:12:36,045
Except, of course, the problems
tend to take the edge off the pleasure.
915
01:12:36,154 --> 01:12:40,648
I mean, with no proper facilities.
916
01:12:40,758 --> 01:12:44,455
All the glorious trials
of youth, dear boy.
917
01:12:44,562 --> 01:12:50,228
When I was a lad, I'd rocket off
on my tandem with Wrigglesworth,
and we'd just ride and ride.
918
01:12:50,335 --> 01:12:55,102
And at night we'd find
some barn and fall asleep,
919
01:12:55,206 --> 01:12:58,767
with the perfumes of nature
sighing on our skin.
920
01:12:58,876 --> 01:13:02,403
Would it be in bad form
to plagiarize a toast?
921
01:13:02,513 --> 01:13:05,346
It depends entirely
on the quality of the wine.
922
01:13:05,450 --> 01:13:08,715
In this instance,
it most certainly would not.
923
01:13:08,820 --> 01:13:13,382
In that case, to a delightful
weekend in the country.
924
01:13:13,491 --> 01:13:15,391
Oh, splendid!
925
01:13:19,264 --> 01:13:22,062
We expected a volley of argument
concerning Mr. Redgrave.
926
01:13:22,166 --> 01:13:25,829
- We're forgetting aboutJake...
- Not another word.
927
01:13:25,937 --> 01:13:28,132
Not another word.
Jake can wait too.
928
01:13:28,239 --> 01:13:31,697
Jake isn't a friend, Monty.
I'd hoped to avoid telling you this,
929
01:13:31,809 --> 01:13:34,573
but there's a psychotic
on the prowl outside this house.
930
01:13:34,679 --> 01:13:38,513
Ask him if I exaggerate.
He's threatened us, and he's dangerous.
931
01:13:38,616 --> 01:13:40,641
Is this true?
932
01:13:40,752 --> 01:13:43,812
Well, there's this local type
hanging about.
933
01:13:43,921 --> 01:13:48,381
A poacher. We got into a tiff,
and he threatened me with a dead fish.
934
01:13:48,493 --> 01:13:51,257
Yes, it was rather amusing, actually.
935
01:13:51,362 --> 01:13:54,559
When you came in,
we thought it was him.
936
01:13:54,666 --> 01:13:58,762
And we thought that you
cleaning your boots...
937
01:13:58,870 --> 01:14:00,770
was him sharpening his knife.
938
01:14:03,574 --> 01:14:06,702
Oh, how delicious.
939
01:14:06,811 --> 01:14:10,338
Mmm, more meat?
940
01:14:10,448 --> 01:14:12,916
No, thank you.
I'll go out for a walk.
941
01:14:13,017 --> 01:14:17,044
Oh, wait for us to finish,
dear boy. We'll all go.
942
01:14:19,490 --> 01:14:23,586
Listen, I know what you're thinking,
but I had no alternative.
943
01:14:23,695 --> 01:14:26,459
The old bugger's come a long way, and
I didn't want to put the wind up him.
944
01:14:26,564 --> 01:14:28,725
Your sensitivity overwhelms me.
945
01:14:28,833 --> 01:14:32,360
If you think you're gonna have
a weekend's indulgence at his expense,
946
01:14:32,470 --> 01:14:35,030
which means him having
a weekend's indulgence at my expense,
947
01:14:35,139 --> 01:14:37,369
- you've got another thing coming.
- I give you my word.
948
01:14:37,475 --> 01:14:40,239
- We'll leave first thing
tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What about tonight?
949
01:14:40,345 --> 01:14:42,745
- He's not gonna try anything.
- Of course he is!
950
01:14:42,847 --> 01:14:46,681
- He means business.
- Anyway, he sent me out
to tell you coffee's ready.
951
01:14:46,784 --> 01:14:50,185
I couldn't drink it. I've got
a cramp in the mouth from grinning.
952
01:14:50,288 --> 01:14:52,756
- Well, stop smiling at him.
- I can't help it.
953
01:14:52,857 --> 01:14:55,951
I'm so uptight with him,
I can't stop myself.
954
01:14:58,129 --> 01:15:01,929
"Laisse-moir respirir,
955
01:15:01,999 --> 01:15:06,902
longtemps longtemps
L 'odeur de tes cheveux. "
956
01:15:07,004 --> 01:15:10,167
Ah, Baudelaire.
957
01:15:10,274 --> 01:15:13,937
Brings back such memories
of Oxford!
958
01:15:14,045 --> 01:15:16,036
Oh, Oxford!
959
01:15:16,147 --> 01:15:19,674
Followed by yet another
anecdote about his sensitive crimes...
960
01:15:19,784 --> 01:15:21,945
in a punt with a chap
called Norman...
961
01:15:22,053 --> 01:15:23,953
who had red hair
and a book of poetry...
962
01:15:24,055 --> 01:15:26,182
stained with the butter drips
from crumpets.
963
01:15:26,290 --> 01:15:29,384
I often wonder
where Norman is now.
964
01:15:29,494 --> 01:15:31,792
Probably wintering
with his mother in Guildford.
965
01:15:31,896 --> 01:15:33,796
A cat and rain.
966
01:15:33,898 --> 01:15:35,798
Vim under the sink.
967
01:15:35,900 --> 01:15:38,926
And both bars on.
968
01:15:39,036 --> 01:15:41,937
But old now... old.
969
01:15:42,039 --> 01:15:44,701
There can be no true beauty
without decay.
970
01:15:44,809 --> 01:15:50,304
"A requiem for England."
- How right you are. How right you are.
971
01:15:50,415 --> 01:15:53,907
We live in a kingdom of rains...
972
01:15:54,018 --> 01:15:57,818
where royalty comes in gangs.
973
01:15:57,922 --> 01:16:01,255
Come on, lads. Let's get home.
The sky is beginning to bruise.
974
01:16:01,359 --> 01:16:04,886
Night must fall,
and we shall be forced to camp.
975
01:16:06,531 --> 01:16:09,091
He's not in my room, all right?
That's the condition, all right?
976
01:16:09,200 --> 01:16:11,668
- All right.
- I want the room with the lock.
Agree to that, or I'm off.
977
01:16:11,769 --> 01:16:13,669
All right. All right.
978
01:16:21,078 --> 01:16:25,014
Good ol'Jake, eh?
I told you. He's back.
979
01:16:25,116 --> 01:16:28,017
And that's precisely the reason
I'm off to London.
980
01:16:28,119 --> 01:16:30,815
Let's all have a good laugh,
eh, Withnail?
981
01:16:30,922 --> 01:16:34,016
Good ol'Jake is back.
982
01:16:34,125 --> 01:16:36,559
He's going away.
He's leaving.
983
01:16:36,661 --> 01:16:39,858
Come on. Let's pack up and get out
of here before it gets dark.
984
01:16:57,348 --> 01:17:01,079
"Here hare, here."
985
01:17:02,186 --> 01:17:04,450
"Here hare, here."
986
01:17:04,555 --> 01:17:06,455
Good ol'Jake.
987
01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:20,760
Ace bets.
Ace bets two and it's over to you.
988
01:17:20,838 --> 01:17:24,535
Your two and up two.
989
01:17:24,642 --> 01:17:26,542
- Mmm.
- So that's four?
990
01:17:26,644 --> 01:17:28,839
That's four.
991
01:17:30,781 --> 01:17:36,344
- Four.
- This is for the raise.
We'll see the two.
992
01:17:36,454 --> 01:17:39,389
Now, last card up.
993
01:17:39,490 --> 01:17:41,515
"Looking a bit lonely, isn't he?"
994
01:17:41,626 --> 01:17:44,652
" He needs a queen
to come to the rescue."
995
01:17:47,131 --> 01:17:49,861
And... oh!
996
01:17:52,837 --> 01:17:55,397
There she is.
997
01:17:55,506 --> 01:17:58,942
Oh!
998
01:18:03,180 --> 01:18:06,308
Well, it's the two queens
to beat.
999
01:18:20,331 --> 01:18:22,526
Another hand?
1000
01:18:26,404 --> 01:18:29,373
I think we'd better
get him to bed.
1001
01:18:29,473 --> 01:18:31,907
No, no. He's down here.
1002
01:18:34,278 --> 01:18:36,508
You're in my room,
I'm in his room and he's down here.
1003
01:18:36,614 --> 01:18:40,710
I wouldn't dream of depriving
the dear fellow of his bed,
especially in that condition.
1004
01:18:40,818 --> 01:18:43,514
- But it's agreed. It's what he wants.
- No, I don't.
1005
01:18:43,621 --> 01:18:45,521
I wanna get to bed.
1006
01:18:47,091 --> 01:18:50,060
All right then, lovey.
Let's get you to bed.
1007
01:18:50,161 --> 01:18:52,595
Early night will do us both good.
1008
01:18:54,732 --> 01:18:58,828
- Night-night, then, Monty.
- I want to be alone!
1009
01:19:01,606 --> 01:19:03,506
I wanna be alone.
1010
01:19:25,963 --> 01:19:28,523
I think he'd better
sleep alone tonight.
1011
01:19:30,668 --> 01:19:35,105
- He doesn't want to sleep with you.
- Right.
1012
01:19:35,206 --> 01:19:38,698
Well, you're in there,
1013
01:19:38,809 --> 01:19:41,277
and I'll take these
and I'll have the couch.
1014
01:19:42,780 --> 01:19:45,214
I'll say good night, then, Monty.
1015
01:19:45,316 --> 01:19:49,548
You already have... twice.
1016
01:20:18,149 --> 01:20:21,710
What is it, Monty? I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to sleep.
1017
01:20:21,819 --> 01:20:25,255
But not that tired, eh?
1018
01:20:30,394 --> 01:20:35,388
- Are you a sponge or a stone?
- What do you mean?
1019
01:20:35,499 --> 01:20:38,991
Do you like to experience
all facets of life?
1020
01:20:39,103 --> 01:20:42,595
Or do you shut yourself off
from new experience?
1021
01:20:42,707 --> 01:20:44,971
- I voted Conservative.
- Are you faithful?
1022
01:20:45,076 --> 01:20:48,512
- To whom?
- Faithfulness isn't selective.
1023
01:20:48,612 --> 01:20:52,548
I agree. It's more a question of
selecting to whom one will be faithful.
1024
01:20:52,650 --> 01:20:56,848
- Have you selected?
- I'm terribly tired.
1025
01:20:56,954 --> 01:21:00,890
I've been watching you
all evening.
1026
01:21:00,991 --> 01:21:04,154
You've been avoiding my eyes,
haven't you?
1027
01:21:04,261 --> 01:21:06,661
- Your eyes?
- Mmm.
1028
01:21:06,764 --> 01:21:10,131
At luncheon, you couldn't tear
your gaze from mine.
1029
01:21:10,234 --> 01:21:12,794
This evening,
you barely looked at me.
1030
01:21:12,903 --> 01:21:15,064
What did he say to you?
1031
01:21:15,172 --> 01:21:18,039
- Nothing.
- You can tell me.
1032
01:21:18,142 --> 01:21:20,770
I assure you, nothing, M-Monty.
1033
01:21:20,878 --> 01:21:24,780
I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to bed.
1034
01:21:24,882 --> 01:21:27,817
Yes, you must, mustn't you?
1035
01:21:27,918 --> 01:21:30,546
Off you go, then.
1036
01:21:30,654 --> 01:21:32,747
I'll sleep here.
1037
01:21:32,857 --> 01:21:36,884
It won't be the first time
I've been left with the couch.
1038
01:21:53,804 --> 01:21:56,295
Boy.
1039
01:21:58,209 --> 01:22:01,007
Boy.
1040
01:22:01,111 --> 01:22:05,138
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1041
01:22:05,249 --> 01:22:09,083
But he is.
1042
01:22:09,186 --> 01:22:12,781
I've been into his room.
1043
01:22:12,890 --> 01:22:15,688
He won't hear a thing.
1044
01:22:18,662 --> 01:22:20,562
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1045
01:22:20,664 --> 01:22:23,827
No, I'm not.
What is it, Monty?
1046
01:22:23,934 --> 01:22:27,893
What do you want?
1047
01:22:28,005 --> 01:22:31,839
I had to come.
I tried not to.
1048
01:22:31,942 --> 01:22:34,570
Oh, how I tried not to.
1049
01:22:34,678 --> 01:22:36,976
Monty, there's something
I have to explain to you.
1050
01:22:37,081 --> 01:22:39,481
You needn't explain.
He's told me everything.
1051
01:22:39,583 --> 01:22:41,483
He told me that
first day you came to Chelsea.
1052
01:22:41,585 --> 01:22:46,113
- What's he told you?
- He told me about your arrest
in the Tottenham Court Road.
1053
01:22:46,223 --> 01:22:48,691
He told me about your problems,
1054
01:22:48,792 --> 01:22:51,522
how you feel, your desires.
1055
01:22:51,629 --> 01:22:55,360
- Problems? What problems?
- You are a toilet trader.
1056
01:22:55,466 --> 01:22:58,094
- He told you that?
- You mustn't blame him.
1057
01:22:58,202 --> 01:23:02,366
You mustn't blame yourself. I know
how you feel and how difficult it is.
1058
01:23:02,473 --> 01:23:07,740
And that's why you mustn't hold back,
let it ruin your youth as I nearly did
over Eric.
1059
01:23:07,845 --> 01:23:10,905
It's like a tide.
Give in to it, boy.
1060
01:23:11,015 --> 01:23:15,418
Go with it.
It's society's crime, not ours.
1061
01:23:15,519 --> 01:23:18,647
- I'm not homosexual, Monty.
- Yes, you are!
1062
01:23:18,756 --> 01:23:22,487
Of course you are. You're
simply blackmailing your emotions...
1063
01:23:22,593 --> 01:23:25,255
to avoid the realities
of your relationship with him.
1064
01:23:25,362 --> 01:23:28,490
- What are you talking about?
- You love him.
1065
01:23:28,599 --> 01:23:30,999
And it isn't his fault
he cannot love you...
1066
01:23:31,101 --> 01:23:34,127
any more than it's mine
that I adore you.
1067
01:23:37,908 --> 01:23:41,071
Couldn't we allow ourselves
just this one moment of indiscretion?
1068
01:23:41,178 --> 01:23:43,078
- No!
- He need never know.
1069
01:23:43,180 --> 01:23:46,274
I don't care what he knows! Monty,
you've gotta go! You've gotta leave!
1070
01:23:46,383 --> 01:23:48,908
If you want to humiliate me,
humiliate me.
1071
01:23:49,019 --> 01:23:50,953
I adore you.
1072
01:23:51,055 --> 01:23:53,751
Tell him, if you must.
I no longer care.
1073
01:23:53,857 --> 01:23:57,816
I mean to have you,
even if it must be burglary!
1074
01:23:59,663 --> 01:24:01,563
It's not me, it's him!
1075
01:24:07,605 --> 01:24:10,130
He lied to you.
We're an affair.
1076
01:24:10,240 --> 01:24:12,970
We have been for years,
but he doesn't want you to know.
1077
01:24:13,077 --> 01:24:16,979
He doesn't want anybody to know.
We're both in it.
We're obsessed with each other.
1078
01:24:17,081 --> 01:24:20,710
But he's ashamed. He refuses
to come out and accept what he is.
1079
01:24:20,818 --> 01:24:23,616
That's why he's rejecting me
while you're here.
1080
01:24:23,721 --> 01:24:28,488
On my life, Monty, this is the first
night we haven't slept together
for six years.
1081
01:24:28,592 --> 01:24:30,617
I can't cheat on him.
It would kill him.
1082
01:24:30,728 --> 01:24:34,164
But he told me you were in purgatory
because he couldn't love you.
1083
01:24:34,264 --> 01:24:37,256
He's lying. Lying!
1084
01:24:37,368 --> 01:24:41,634
Oh, my dear boy.
1085
01:24:41,739 --> 01:24:44,867
If I had known that, I would never
have attempted to come between you.
1086
01:24:44,975 --> 01:24:47,409
I know that, Monty.
1087
01:24:47,511 --> 01:24:49,979
I respect you
for your sensitivity.
1088
01:24:50,080 --> 01:24:52,344
I thank you for it,
1089
01:24:52,449 --> 01:24:54,713
but you must leave.
1090
01:24:56,954 --> 01:25:00,082
Yes.
1091
01:25:00,190 --> 01:25:03,557
Yes. You'd better go to him.
1092
01:25:03,661 --> 01:25:05,856
Oh, I intend to.
1093
01:25:05,963 --> 01:25:08,090
This instant.
1094
01:25:08,532 --> 01:25:11,865
Withnail, you bastard. Wake up.
1095
01:25:11,935 --> 01:25:16,963
Wake up, you bastard,
or I'll burn this bastard bed down.
1096
01:25:17,074 --> 01:25:21,534
I deny all accusations.
What do you want?
1097
01:25:21,645 --> 01:25:23,875
I have just narrowly avoided
having a buggering.
1098
01:25:23,981 --> 01:25:26,950
I've come in here with the express
intention of wishing one on you.
1099
01:25:27,051 --> 01:25:29,611
Having said that, I now intend
to leave for London.
1100
01:25:29,720 --> 01:25:32,245
Hold on. Don't let your
imagination run away with you.
1101
01:25:32,356 --> 01:25:34,654
Imagination? I just finished
fighting a naked man.
1102
01:25:34,758 --> 01:25:37,226
How dare you tell him
I'm a toilet trader!
1103
01:25:37,327 --> 01:25:39,887
It was a tactical necessity.
1104
01:25:39,997 --> 01:25:42,830
If I hadn't told him you were active,
we'd never have got the cottage.
1105
01:25:42,933 --> 01:25:44,833
I never have wanted it...
not with him in it!
1106
01:25:44,935 --> 01:25:48,701
Geez. He'd come all this way.
1107
01:25:48,806 --> 01:25:53,106
- Monty? He'd go to New York.
- It was a calculated risk.
1108
01:25:53,210 --> 01:25:55,804
What is all this tactical
necessity and calculated risk?
1109
01:25:55,913 --> 01:25:58,609
This is me naked in a corner!
1110
01:25:58,716 --> 01:26:01,310
And how dare you tell him
I love you.
1111
01:26:01,418 --> 01:26:04,251
And how dare you tell him
you rejected me.
1112
01:26:04,354 --> 01:26:07,289
- How dare you tell him that!
- Sorry about that.
1113
01:26:07,391 --> 01:26:10,758
Got a bit carried away.
Sort of said it without thinking.
1114
01:26:10,861 --> 01:26:14,388
Let me tell you something, Withnail.
If he comes into my room again,
it's murder,
1115
01:26:14,498 --> 01:26:17,490
and you will be held
responsible in law.
1116
01:26:23,440 --> 01:26:26,637
"Perhaps it is appropriate justice
for the eavesdropper...
1117
01:26:26,744 --> 01:26:30,111
"that he should leave
as his trade determines...
1118
01:26:30,214 --> 01:26:34,310
"in secrecy and in the dead of night.
1119
01:26:34,418 --> 01:26:38,115
- "I do sincerely hope that
you will find the happiness...
1120
01:26:38,222 --> 01:26:41,783
"which, alas,
has always been denied to me.
1121
01:26:43,727 --> 01:26:46,787
"I am yours ever faithfully,
1122
01:26:46,897 --> 01:26:48,797
Montague H. Withnail."
1123
01:26:50,501 --> 01:26:52,935
Poor old bastard.
1124
01:26:53,036 --> 01:26:54,936
I would say...
1125
01:26:56,473 --> 01:27:00,569
that that represents
a degree of hypocrisy...
1126
01:27:00,677 --> 01:27:05,273
I've hitherto suspected in you but not
noticed, due to highly evasive skills.
1127
01:27:05,382 --> 01:27:09,341
Christ, Withnail.
You'll suffer for this.
1128
01:27:09,453 --> 01:27:11,887
What you have done
will have to be paid for.
1129
01:27:11,989 --> 01:27:13,957
I will say one thing for Monty.
1130
01:27:14,057 --> 01:27:16,252
He keeps a sensational cellar.
1131
01:27:26,069 --> 01:27:28,697
- Who's there?
- Telegram.
1132
01:27:52,696 --> 01:27:55,130
Well done.
1133
01:27:55,232 --> 01:27:59,134
Well, it doesn't mean
to say I've got it. They probably
just want to see me again.
1134
01:28:02,105 --> 01:28:05,165
Well, that settles it, then.
We'll leave immediately.
1135
01:28:05,275 --> 01:28:08,039
What?
1136
01:28:08,145 --> 01:28:11,308
- Get your kit together.
We're leaving in half an hour.
- Half an hour?
1137
01:28:11,415 --> 01:28:14,316
Don't be ridiculous.
I need at least an hour for lunch.
1138
01:28:23,093 --> 01:28:27,052
You've got a truck coming up.
About 200 yards.
1139
01:28:27,164 --> 01:28:30,759
Followed by a left slow hander.
1140
01:28:30,868 --> 01:28:33,701
This is insanity!
I can't keep this up!
1141
01:28:33,804 --> 01:28:37,365
Stay in this lane.
Bear right. Bear right.
1142
01:28:37,474 --> 01:28:40,034
What lane? What lane?
I can't see the fucking lane.
1143
01:28:40,143 --> 01:28:42,577
Bear right! Bear right!
Bear right!
1144
01:28:45,549 --> 01:28:49,952
That's it. Next garage, I've gotta
do something about that wiper.
1145
01:28:50,053 --> 01:28:53,784
And I've got to get some sleep.
1146
01:29:20,550 --> 01:29:23,951
- What's going on?
- I'm making time.
1147
01:29:38,001 --> 01:29:41,437
Are you out of your mind? Pull over.
You haven't got a license.
1148
01:29:41,538 --> 01:29:43,506
No. I'm making time.
1149
01:29:54,017 --> 01:29:56,417
- Where are we?
- We're approaching London.
1150
01:29:59,589 --> 01:30:03,855
- Here comes another fucker.
1151
01:30:11,969 --> 01:30:14,597
- Oh, no!
1152
01:30:14,705 --> 01:30:17,572
Perfectly all right.
Leave him to me.
1153
01:30:17,674 --> 01:30:20,472
You're full of scotch,
you silly tool.
1154
01:31:31,081 --> 01:31:34,539
A bit early in the morning
for festivities, isn't it?
1155
01:31:34,651 --> 01:31:36,949
These aren't mine.
They belong to him.
1156
01:31:37,054 --> 01:31:40,854
- You're drunk.
- I assure you I'm not, officer.
1157
01:31:40,957 --> 01:31:44,222
Honestly,
I've only had a few ales.
1158
01:31:44,327 --> 01:31:48,320
Out of the car... please.
1159
01:31:48,432 --> 01:31:50,332
Sir.
1160
01:31:57,374 --> 01:32:00,309
I want you to take one
deep breath and fill this bag.
1161
01:32:01,912 --> 01:32:05,609
- Are you refusing to fill this bag?
- I most certainly am.
1162
01:32:05,715 --> 01:32:08,946
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Don't be ridiculous.
I haven't done anything.
1163
01:32:09,052 --> 01:32:11,247
- Come on.
- Look here, my cousin's a QC.
1164
01:32:11,354 --> 01:32:13,254
Get in the back of the van!
1165
01:32:26,369 --> 01:32:28,769
Hey, sarge,
what's that clown doing?
1166
01:33:04,574 --> 01:33:07,975
- Where's our checks?
- Didn't sign on.
1167
01:33:08,078 --> 01:33:11,309
That wouldn't make any difference
in last week's payments.
1168
01:33:39,576 --> 01:33:42,340
What are you doing in my bed?
1169
01:33:42,445 --> 01:33:46,939
- I've been asleep.
- Who is the huge spade in the bath?
1170
01:33:47,050 --> 01:33:49,450
Presuming Ed.
1171
01:33:49,553 --> 01:33:52,420
You've got ten minutes, right?
I want you out 'cause I want to get in.
1172
01:33:52,522 --> 01:33:55,150
Ten minutes, right?
You better be on your feet.
1173
01:33:58,528 --> 01:34:01,725
- How did you get in?
- Ingenuity, man.
1174
01:34:01,831 --> 01:34:04,095
Come up the drain pipe.
1175
01:34:04,201 --> 01:34:07,261
- Would you like a smoke?
- Yes.
1176
01:34:07,370 --> 01:34:09,804
No, thanks.
I've got a call to make.
1177
01:34:14,311 --> 01:34:16,245
What are you gonna do
with those?
1178
01:34:16,346 --> 01:34:20,680
The joint I'm about to roll
requires a craftsman.
1179
01:34:20,784 --> 01:34:23,275
It can utilize up to 12 skins.
1180
01:34:23,386 --> 01:34:26,355
It is called
a Camberwell Carrot.
1181
01:34:26,456 --> 01:34:28,856
It's impossible to use
12 papers in one joint.
1182
01:34:28,959 --> 01:34:32,656
It's impossible to make
a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
1183
01:34:32,762 --> 01:34:35,526
- Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- I do.
1184
01:34:35,632 --> 01:34:39,432
I invented it in Camberwell,
and it looks like a carrot.
1185
01:34:39,536 --> 01:34:42,630
Do you realize this gaff's
overwhelmed with rodents?
1186
01:34:42,739 --> 01:34:45,299
When I come in, I seen one
the size of a fucking dog.
1187
01:34:45,408 --> 01:34:48,536
That is a dog. Belongs
to the fellow downstairs.
1188
01:34:48,645 --> 01:34:50,806
Does his dog get in the oven?
1189
01:34:50,914 --> 01:34:54,145
- No, his dog doesn't come up here.
- Then it was a rodent.
1190
01:34:54,251 --> 01:34:57,448
Opened the oven door, and
it was in there looking at me.
1191
01:34:57,554 --> 01:35:01,820
Quite freaked me at the time.
I was gonna cook onions.
1192
01:35:01,925 --> 01:35:04,120
- Are you going to bed now?
- No.
1193
01:35:04,227 --> 01:35:06,127
Phone.
1194
01:35:08,298 --> 01:35:11,290
- Who's he going to telephone?
- Squat Betty.
1195
01:35:12,769 --> 01:35:16,136
His agent. He's wasting his time
because he won't be in.
1196
01:35:40,163 --> 01:35:43,360
This'll tend
to make you very high.
1197
01:35:46,603 --> 01:35:51,131
This grass is the most powerful
in the Western Hemisphere.
1198
01:35:51,241 --> 01:35:55,371
I have it specially flown in
from my man in Mexico.
1199
01:35:56,846 --> 01:35:59,144
He's an expert.
1200
01:35:59,249 --> 01:36:01,717
His name is Juan.
1201
01:36:01,818 --> 01:36:06,915
This grass grows at exactly
2,000 feet above sea level.
1202
01:36:09,159 --> 01:36:11,491
You got the part, man?
1203
01:36:16,032 --> 01:36:20,401
I got a different one.
They want me to play the lead.
1204
01:36:20,503 --> 01:36:24,337
- Congratulations.
- Where exactly have you two been?
1205
01:36:24,441 --> 01:36:28,605
- Holiday in the countryside.
- That's a very good idea.
1206
01:36:28,712 --> 01:36:31,704
London is a country
coming down from its trip.
1207
01:36:31,815 --> 01:36:36,013
We are 91 days
from the end of this decade,
1208
01:36:36,119 --> 01:36:39,247
and there's gonna be
a lot of refugees.
1209
01:36:42,158 --> 01:36:46,458
They'll be goin' round this town
shoutin', "Bring out your dead."
1210
01:36:48,732 --> 01:36:51,826
There was a geezer around here
the other day lookin' for you.
1211
01:36:51,935 --> 01:36:54,199
- What geezer?
- Some bald geezer.
1212
01:36:54,304 --> 01:36:58,638
Reckons you owe him 266 quid
back rent.
1213
01:36:58,742 --> 01:37:03,736
I told him there's no question of payin'
rent on a property cut with rodents.
1214
01:37:03,847 --> 01:37:05,974
He takes exception to this.
1215
01:37:06,082 --> 01:37:08,573
Starts comin' on really bald
with me.
1216
01:37:08,685 --> 01:37:12,052
- You mean ratty.
- I told him to piss off.
1217
01:37:12,155 --> 01:37:14,385
You bloody fool.
We'll end up in court again.
1218
01:37:14,491 --> 01:37:17,927
- No we won't. It ain't legal.
- I assume we can quote you.
1219
01:37:18,027 --> 01:37:21,690
The law rather
appeals to me, actually.
1220
01:37:26,903 --> 01:37:29,895
Just high.
1221
01:37:31,708 --> 01:37:33,608
Stop laughing, Withnail.
This is serious.
1222
01:37:33,710 --> 01:37:37,544
No, it ain't. I looked into it,
studied the papers.
1223
01:37:37,647 --> 01:37:40,707
- What papers?
- Legal papers.
1224
01:37:40,817 --> 01:37:43,445
What papers, Danny?
1225
01:37:53,496 --> 01:37:56,727
He's got our checks.
What are you doing with these?
1226
01:37:56,833 --> 01:38:00,462
I was gonna cash 'em in for you.
1227
01:38:08,578 --> 01:38:12,571
For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop
laughing. This is a notice of eviction.
1228
01:38:19,689 --> 01:38:21,987
Will you stop laughing?
They wanna throw us out.
1229
01:38:24,294 --> 01:38:27,695
For God... Will you shut up, for
God's sake? You're giving me the fear.
1230
01:38:27,797 --> 01:38:29,856
Give me a downer, Danny.
My brain's capsizing.
1231
01:38:29,966 --> 01:38:32,093
- I've gone and fucked my brain!
- Change, man.
1232
01:38:32,202 --> 01:38:35,603
Find your neutral space.
You've got a rush.
1233
01:38:35,705 --> 01:38:38,868
It will pass. Be seated.
1234
01:38:45,748 --> 01:38:47,648
Aren't you getting absurdly high?
1235
01:38:47,750 --> 01:38:51,117
Precisely the reason
I'm smokin' it.
1236
01:38:56,392 --> 01:38:58,417
I couldn't. I'm spaced.
1237
01:38:58,528 --> 01:39:00,553
Not as spaced as your rodents.
1238
01:39:00,663 --> 01:39:04,793
- Don't talk about them.
- I imagine they're talkin'
to each other.
1239
01:39:07,203 --> 01:39:09,637
- What do you mean?
- I've dealt with 'em.
1240
01:39:09,739 --> 01:39:11,639
Dealt with 'em.
What the fuck do you mean?
1241
01:39:11,741 --> 01:39:15,404
Dosed 'em. I expect
they're dead down the drain.
1242
01:39:15,512 --> 01:39:18,481
Dead down the drain?
What have you done to them?
1243
01:39:18,581 --> 01:39:22,039
Given them all drugged onions.
1244
01:39:22,151 --> 01:39:24,984
Jesus Christ!
Why have you drugged their onions?
1245
01:39:25,088 --> 01:39:28,251
Sit down, man.
Take control.
1246
01:39:28,358 --> 01:39:31,088
Give me a Valium.
I'm getting the fear!
1247
01:39:31,194 --> 01:39:33,492
You have done something
to your brain.
1248
01:39:33,596 --> 01:39:35,496
You have made it high.
1249
01:39:35,598 --> 01:39:40,535
If I lay ten mils
of Diazepam on you, you will do
something else to your brain.
1250
01:39:40,637 --> 01:39:44,835
You will make it low. Why trust
one drug and not the other?
1251
01:39:44,941 --> 01:39:46,841
That's politics, isn't it?
1252
01:39:46,943 --> 01:39:48,843
I'm gonna eat some sugar.
1253
01:39:50,446 --> 01:39:53,176
I recommend
you smoke some more grass.
1254
01:39:53,283 --> 01:39:55,911
No way. No fucking way.
1255
01:39:56,019 --> 01:39:59,318
That is an unfortunate
political decision,
1256
01:39:59,422 --> 01:40:01,822
reflectin' these times.
1257
01:40:08,998 --> 01:40:11,558
- What are you talking about, Danny?
- Politics, man.
1258
01:40:11,668 --> 01:40:14,193
If you were hanging on
to a rising balloon,
1259
01:40:14,304 --> 01:40:16,966
you're presented
with a difficult decision...
1260
01:40:17,073 --> 01:40:19,439
let go before it's too late?
1261
01:40:19,542 --> 01:40:21,533
Or hang on
and keep getting higher?
1262
01:40:21,644 --> 01:40:26,274
Posing the question, how long
can you keep a grip on the rope?
1263
01:40:28,217 --> 01:40:30,913
They're sellin' hippie wigs
in Woolworth's, man.
1264
01:40:32,455 --> 01:40:36,619
The greatest decade in
the history of mankind is over.
1265
01:40:38,494 --> 01:40:42,521
And as Presuming Ed here
has so consistently pointed out...
1266
01:40:43,633 --> 01:40:46,830
we have failed
to paint it black.
1267
01:41:36,886 --> 01:41:39,946
My Dad'll pick up the boxes
in a week.
1268
01:41:40,056 --> 01:41:42,320
And he's gonna do something
about the car.
1269
01:41:44,427 --> 01:41:46,418
- I'm off now.
- Already?
1270
01:41:46,529 --> 01:41:49,054
But I've got us a bottle open.
1271
01:41:50,800 --> 01:41:53,166
I confiscated it
from Monty's supplies.
1272
01:41:54,337 --> 01:41:57,465
'53 Margaux.
Best of the century.
1273
01:41:58,741 --> 01:42:01,039
I'm sure he wouldn't resent us
a parting drink.
1274
01:42:01,144 --> 01:42:04,307
I can't, Withnail. I've gotta walk
to the station. I'll be late.
1275
01:42:04,414 --> 01:42:07,542
- There's always time for a drink.
- No.
1276
01:42:07,650 --> 01:42:09,982
I don't have the time.
1277
01:42:10,086 --> 01:42:13,749
All right. I'll walk with you
through the park.
1278
01:42:15,758 --> 01:42:18,158
We can drink it on the way.
1279
01:42:26,269 --> 01:42:28,794
No. No more, thank you.
1280
01:42:28,905 --> 01:42:31,396
Listen, Withnail. It's a stinker.
Why don't you go back?
1281
01:42:31,507 --> 01:42:34,442
- Because I wanna walk you
to the station.
- Well, don't.
1282
01:42:34,544 --> 01:42:37,012
Please don't.
1283
01:42:37,113 --> 01:42:39,172
I really don't want you to.
1284
01:42:48,224 --> 01:42:51,682
I shall miss you, Withnail.
1285
01:42:51,794 --> 01:42:56,424
I shall miss you too. Chin-chin.
1286
01:43:14,884 --> 01:43:18,445
"I have of late,
but wherefore I know not,
1287
01:43:18,554 --> 01:43:21,318
"lost all my mirth.
1288
01:43:21,424 --> 01:43:25,861
"And indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition...
1289
01:43:25,962 --> 01:43:28,362
"that this goodly frame the earth...
1290
01:43:28,464 --> 01:43:31,922
"seems to me a sterile promontory.
1291
01:43:35,071 --> 01:43:38,529
"It's a most excellent canopy, the air.
1292
01:43:38,641 --> 01:43:43,101
"Look you, this brave,
o'er hanging firmament.
1293
01:43:43,212 --> 01:43:47,205
"This majestical roof
fretted with golden fire.
1294
01:43:47,316 --> 01:43:49,511
"Why, it appeareth nothing to me...
1295
01:43:49,619 --> 01:43:54,716
"but a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapors.
1296
01:43:54,824 --> 01:43:57,418
"What a piece of work is a man,
1297
01:43:57,527 --> 01:43:59,859
"how noble in reason,
1298
01:43:59,962 --> 01:44:02,692
"how infinite in faculties,
1299
01:44:02,799 --> 01:44:05,324
"how like an angel in apprehension.
1300
01:44:05,434 --> 01:44:07,834
"How like a god!
1301
01:44:07,937 --> 01:44:10,201
"The beauty of the world:
1302
01:44:10,306 --> 01:44:13,332
"Paragon of animals:
1303
01:44:13,442 --> 01:44:18,470
"Yet to me, what is
this quintessence of dust?
1304
01:44:18,581 --> 01:44:21,209
"Man delights not me.
1305
01:44:21,317 --> 01:44:25,617
"No, nor women neither.
1306
01:44:25,721 --> 01:44:28,315
Nor women neither."