1 00:01:11,948 --> 00:01:14,219 Hello. 2 00:01:14,220 --> 00:01:17,323 I'm sorry. I had to go, okay? 3 00:01:17,324 --> 00:01:19,243 Because I have to introduce the ten stories. 4 00:01:19,244 --> 00:01:20,716 I told you this before. 5 00:01:20,717 --> 00:01:22,348 We'll talk about this when you get home, all right? 6 00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:23,660 I'm late enough as it is. 7 00:01:23,661 --> 00:01:25,485 Ten commandments, ten stories, all right? 8 00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:26,573 You knew what you were getting into 9 00:01:26,574 --> 00:01:27,533 When you married me. 10 00:01:27,534 --> 00:01:29,582 This is what I do. 11 00:01:29,583 --> 00:01:30,990 Hello? 12 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,366 Hello? 13 00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:34,318 Unbelievable. 14 00:01:40,592 --> 00:01:43,280 Hi, I'm Jeff Reigert. 15 00:01:43,281 --> 00:01:44,464 Okay, good. 16 00:01:44,465 --> 00:01:47,281 So I've got the ten commandments over there, 17 00:01:47,282 --> 00:01:48,912 And I'm gonna give you ten stories. 18 00:01:48,913 --> 00:01:51,441 Each one of them correlates to one of the commandments. 19 00:01:51,442 --> 00:01:53,713 So let's get right into it. 20 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,794 Sorry I was late, by the way. 21 00:01:55,795 --> 00:01:58,770 Long story short, my wife-- 22 00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:01,363 You know, I'm not gonna go into this. 23 00:02:01,364 --> 00:02:02,707 All right, long story short, 24 00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:04,371 My wife and I were at Bed Bath and Beyond. 25 00:02:04,372 --> 00:02:05,651 We'd agreed to go in beforehand 26 00:02:05,652 --> 00:02:07,604 Because she wanted to buy a hand blender and leave. 27 00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,940 I mean, we weren't gonna make a big day shopping, because-- 28 00:02:09,941 --> 00:02:11,541 You know what? I'm not gonna get into this. 29 00:02:11,542 --> 00:02:13,749 This is just gonna get me really upset. 30 00:02:13,750 --> 00:02:18,294 And besides, you didn't-- you didn't come here 31 00:02:18,295 --> 00:02:20,182 To listen to my shit, all right? 32 00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:21,718 I came here to give you these ten stories, 33 00:02:21,719 --> 00:02:23,415 And we're already running a little bit late, 34 00:02:23,416 --> 00:02:26,102 So why don't we just do it to it, right? 35 00:02:26,103 --> 00:02:28,664 Let's get this party started. 36 00:02:28,664 --> 00:02:30,584 Story number one. 37 00:02:40,507 --> 00:02:42,746 Okay, is it on? 38 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,474 Hey, everybody, it's me, Stephen, 39 00:02:44,475 --> 00:02:46,522 Logging my first-ever solo jump! 40 00:02:46,523 --> 00:02:48,027 are you nervous? 41 00:02:48,028 --> 00:02:49,371 Nah, are you joking, Kelly? 42 00:02:49,372 --> 00:02:51,739 I'm more nervous about us getting married. 43 00:02:51,740 --> 00:02:52,795 Bring it on! 44 00:02:52,796 --> 00:02:54,524 aw, you're nervous! 45 00:02:54,525 --> 00:02:55,484 Wow! 46 00:02:55,485 --> 00:02:57,500 Look at how high up we are! 47 00:02:57,501 --> 00:03:00,637 It's like that line from the movie titanic. 48 00:03:00,637 --> 00:03:03,389 "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls, 49 00:03:03,390 --> 00:03:05,021 "wearing this, 50 00:03:05,022 --> 00:03:07,037 Wearing only this." 51 00:03:07,038 --> 00:03:08,926 Okay, let's do it to it. 52 00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,038 Let's get this party started. 53 00:03:11,039 --> 00:03:13,087 Whoo! 54 00:03:13,088 --> 00:03:15,039 Uh, excuse me. 55 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,287 Forgot his chute. 56 00:03:16,288 --> 00:03:18,656 please tell me you're goofing. 57 00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:20,448 No, I don't goof. 58 00:03:20,449 --> 00:03:23,520 Oh, god! Stephen! 59 00:03:23,521 --> 00:03:24,832 Stephen! 60 00:03:24,833 --> 00:03:27,393 Stephen, oh, my god! 61 00:03:27,394 --> 00:03:28,545 Are you okay? 62 00:03:28,546 --> 00:03:30,306 Oh, god! 63 00:03:30,307 --> 00:03:31,810 Are you okay? 64 00:03:31,811 --> 00:03:33,154 No, not really. 65 00:03:37,636 --> 00:03:40,484 his vitals are all okay. 66 00:03:40,485 --> 00:03:43,620 But his body is so deeply embedded into the ground 67 00:03:43,621 --> 00:03:45,412 That any movement at all 68 00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:47,620 Would kill him. 69 00:03:47,621 --> 00:03:48,901 Well, what am I supposed to do? 70 00:03:48,902 --> 00:03:49,957 I mean, just-- 71 00:03:49,958 --> 00:03:52,069 Just leave my fiance here in the ground? 72 00:03:52,070 --> 00:03:53,478 Yes. 73 00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:55,557 But other than that, I suggest that you both try 74 00:03:55,558 --> 00:03:57,894 To go about your normal routine. 75 00:03:57,895 --> 00:03:58,854 Okay? 76 00:03:58,855 --> 00:04:01,543 We good? 77 00:04:01,544 --> 00:04:03,143 Stay out of the sun. 78 00:04:05,768 --> 00:04:08,776 Ooh, you know what would be fun for us, hon? 79 00:04:08,777 --> 00:04:10,664 There's a jazz show coming to town tomorrow, 80 00:04:10,665 --> 00:04:12,488 And we could-- 81 00:04:12,489 --> 00:04:14,025 Never mind. 82 00:04:14,026 --> 00:04:15,689 Sorry, what'd you say? 83 00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:16,745 Nothing. 84 00:04:16,746 --> 00:04:18,057 I said, "how's it going, babe?" 85 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,074 Awful, 86 00:04:20,075 --> 00:04:21,323 Fucking awful. 87 00:04:21,323 --> 00:04:23,435 Okay, we're live in 30 seconds, Louis. 88 00:04:23,436 --> 00:04:25,067 How are the wedding plans coming, by the way? 89 00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:26,091 Good. 90 00:04:26,092 --> 00:04:27,723 Yeah, we were gonna get married 91 00:04:27,724 --> 00:04:29,452 At my parents' beach house in--in Bar Harbor-- 92 00:04:29,453 --> 00:04:30,604 Oh, god, I love Bar Harbor. 93 00:04:30,605 --> 00:04:32,684 I know. It's so nice. 94 00:04:32,685 --> 00:04:34,957 But now it looks like it's gonna be happening here. 95 00:04:34,958 --> 00:04:35,917 Uh-huh. 96 00:04:35,918 --> 00:04:38,957 Yeah, he'll be, you know, there, 97 00:04:38,958 --> 00:04:40,589 And I'll be-- 98 00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:44,622 I promised myself I wouldn't cry. 99 00:04:44,623 --> 00:04:46,510 Shh, shh, shh. No, no, no. It's okay. 100 00:04:46,511 --> 00:04:48,111 It's okay. 101 00:04:48,112 --> 00:04:49,775 God, you smell good. 102 00:04:49,776 --> 00:04:50,992 Is that coffee breath? 103 00:04:50,992 --> 00:04:52,463 Okay, in five, four... 104 00:04:52,464 --> 00:04:53,423 Tell me later. 105 00:04:53,424 --> 00:04:54,383 Three, two-- 106 00:04:55,377 --> 00:04:56,560 Thanks, Jim. 107 00:04:56,561 --> 00:04:59,504 I'm here in a field outside of Holmesdale, 108 00:04:59,505 --> 00:05:02,417 Where Stephen Montgomery has been stuck here 109 00:05:02,418 --> 00:05:04,082 In the ground for the past two months. 110 00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:05,201 I'm sure you're aware 111 00:05:05,202 --> 00:05:07,473 That you've become quite a sensation, 112 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,330 A hero of sorts. 113 00:05:09,331 --> 00:05:10,770 You have any words of wisdom 114 00:05:10,771 --> 00:05:12,978 For your growing group of fans? 115 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,219 No, not really. 116 00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:16,756 No, not really. 117 00:05:16,757 --> 00:05:19,796 He's a man of few words but many followers, 118 00:05:19,797 --> 00:05:22,548 Whether it be the kids that line up day and night 119 00:05:22,549 --> 00:05:24,277 To catch a glimpse of him 120 00:05:24,278 --> 00:05:25,973 Or 12-year-old Dorothy Sheen, 121 00:05:25,974 --> 00:05:27,509 Whose Halloween costume this year 122 00:05:27,510 --> 00:05:30,038 Is just a little bit underground. 123 00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:31,477 I'm Stephen Montgomery. 124 00:05:31,478 --> 00:05:32,918 If you move me, I'll die. 125 00:05:32,919 --> 00:05:35,799 Even Governor Hutchins was catching Montgomery fever. 126 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,527 We're gonna do to unemployment 127 00:05:37,528 --> 00:05:40,439 What Stephen Montgomery did to his body. 128 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,232 We're gonna bury it in the ground 129 00:05:42,233 --> 00:05:45,272 And make sure it doesn't move. 130 00:05:45,273 --> 00:05:47,800 I'm gonna give it to you straight, kid, 131 00:05:47,801 --> 00:05:49,464 Because that's my style. 132 00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:51,033 You're not funny. 133 00:05:51,034 --> 00:05:52,442 Your act is stale. 134 00:05:52,443 --> 00:05:54,425 You will never make it in this town. 135 00:05:54,426 --> 00:05:56,474 Now, get out of my office. 136 00:05:59,643 --> 00:06:01,211 How do people like that get in here? 137 00:06:01,212 --> 00:06:02,459 She said she had an appointment. 138 00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:04,475 It won't happen again. Better not. 139 00:06:04,476 --> 00:06:08,124 Sir, Stephen Montgomery on line one. 140 00:06:08,125 --> 00:06:09,084 Stephen, 141 00:06:09,085 --> 00:06:10,396 Fielding Barnes. 142 00:06:10,397 --> 00:06:11,516 I want to make you a TV star. 143 00:06:11,517 --> 00:06:12,477 What do you say? 144 00:06:19,742 --> 00:06:21,342 Don't you knock, Fred? 145 00:06:21,343 --> 00:06:22,974 I would, but if I knock like everybody else, 146 00:06:22,975 --> 00:06:24,094 How would you know it's me? 147 00:06:25,055 --> 00:06:26,015 Where's Stephen? 148 00:06:26,016 --> 00:06:27,679 Right here where he always is. 149 00:06:28,896 --> 00:06:29,855 hey, Stephen. 150 00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,256 I got two tickets to the world series. 151 00:06:32,257 --> 00:06:33,248 You want to go? 152 00:06:33,249 --> 00:06:35,201 No, not really. 153 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:37,376 Why not? 154 00:06:37,377 --> 00:06:39,137 Because I can't move, Fred. 155 00:06:40,258 --> 00:06:43,458 And if I did, I'd most likely die. 156 00:06:44,995 --> 00:06:48,483 ♪ two feet firm in the ground. ♪ 157 00:06:48,484 --> 00:06:50,627 ♪ ain't no turning around. ♪ 158 00:06:50,628 --> 00:06:52,099 ♪ no, not really. ♪ 159 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:55,652 ♪ my time is coming to town, ♪ 160 00:06:55,653 --> 00:06:58,212 ♪ and there ain't no shaking it. ♪ 161 00:06:58,213 --> 00:06:59,493 we're all dying to know, 162 00:06:59,494 --> 00:07:01,669 does your character ever get it on with Carol? 163 00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:05,797 Look, I don't want to give too much away here. 164 00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:07,462 But I will say this: 165 00:07:07,463 --> 00:07:09,542 Probably not, for obvious reasons. 166 00:07:09,543 --> 00:07:13,223 ♪ eyes on the stars and head in the clouds. ♪ 167 00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:14,695 ♪ love in the sun. ♪ 168 00:07:14,696 --> 00:07:16,871 ♪ no losing allowed. ♪ 169 00:07:16,872 --> 00:07:19,048 Two years ago, I didn't have a chance in this industry. 170 00:07:19,049 --> 00:07:20,328 When the Montgomery show hit, 171 00:07:20,329 --> 00:07:21,928 Every agent in town called me. 172 00:07:21,929 --> 00:07:24,297 The world just kind of takes you on a ride. 173 00:07:24,298 --> 00:07:25,288 You just sit back. 174 00:07:25,289 --> 00:07:26,665 I mean, I have to. 175 00:07:26,666 --> 00:07:28,137 Can't really move. 176 00:07:28,138 --> 00:07:29,578 ♪ ooh, ooh, ah! ♪ 177 00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,274 ♪ two feet firm in the ground. ♪ 178 00:07:31,275 --> 00:07:32,938 ♪ no, not really. ♪ 179 00:07:32,939 --> 00:07:34,794 I just started to use this instrument right here. 180 00:07:34,795 --> 00:07:36,106 I'm a trailblazer, biatch. 181 00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,931 I don't even want to think what my torso could do. 182 00:07:37,932 --> 00:07:40,267 I think it's pretty safe to say I'm the Marlon Brando of heads. 183 00:07:40,268 --> 00:07:42,540 America loves my shit, dog. 184 00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:43,788 Stephen Montgomery: 185 00:07:43,789 --> 00:07:45,516 Hero, superstar, 186 00:07:45,517 --> 00:07:47,309 God. 187 00:07:47,310 --> 00:07:48,429 This just in: 188 00:07:48,430 --> 00:07:51,277 Tragedy strikes in Texas as a group of teens 189 00:07:51,278 --> 00:07:53,934 Intentionally jumps out of a plane without parachutes. 190 00:07:53,935 --> 00:07:55,502 Obviously a copycat incident, 191 00:07:55,503 --> 00:07:58,094 They were imitating the man they worshipped as a god, 192 00:07:58,095 --> 00:07:59,310 Stephen Montgomery. 193 00:07:59,311 --> 00:08:01,070 Details and reaction at 11:00. 194 00:08:01,071 --> 00:08:02,799 turn that shit off! 195 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,623 Stephen, what is going on here? 196 00:08:04,624 --> 00:08:05,775 Who are all these people? 197 00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:07,152 Kelly, it's not what you think. 198 00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,752 How's it going, baby? 199 00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:09,776 Kelly, wait a second. 200 00:08:09,777 --> 00:08:10,832 Kelly, wait! 201 00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:11,792 Wait! 202 00:08:11,793 --> 00:08:13,105 Ah! 203 00:08:13,106 --> 00:08:14,161 I can't move! 204 00:08:14,162 --> 00:08:16,497 Damn it, I can't move! 205 00:08:16,498 --> 00:08:18,738 Oh! 206 00:08:18,739 --> 00:08:19,665 Ahh! 207 00:08:26,164 --> 00:08:28,148 I think I'm allergic to shrimp. 208 00:08:28,149 --> 00:08:29,652 Louis! 209 00:08:29,653 --> 00:08:30,612 Louis. 210 00:08:30,613 --> 00:08:31,572 Kelly? 211 00:08:31,573 --> 00:08:33,492 I have no one to turn to. 212 00:08:33,493 --> 00:08:35,092 Shh. 213 00:08:35,093 --> 00:08:36,052 Look, it's okay. 214 00:08:36,053 --> 00:08:37,653 Listen to me. 215 00:08:37,654 --> 00:08:39,189 I'm gonna take care of you now. 216 00:08:39,190 --> 00:08:40,501 Really? 217 00:08:40,502 --> 00:08:41,974 Sure. 218 00:08:41,975 --> 00:08:43,574 Come on. 219 00:08:43,575 --> 00:08:48,470 ♪ lift me up into the heavens. ♪ 220 00:08:48,471 --> 00:08:52,663 ♪ you lift me up beyond the sky. ♪ 221 00:08:52,664 --> 00:08:54,104 okay, going up in five... 222 00:08:54,105 --> 00:08:55,064 Look out. 223 00:08:55,065 --> 00:08:56,344 Four, three... 224 00:08:58,522 --> 00:09:00,121 What does a monkey at the zoo 225 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:01,912 Have in common with a fig newton? 226 00:09:01,913 --> 00:09:03,129 Nothing, right? 227 00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:04,474 Think again. 228 00:09:04,475 --> 00:09:06,746 They're both sometimes brown. 229 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,987 Stephen, I have bad news. 230 00:09:08,988 --> 00:09:10,874 The show's cancelled. 231 00:09:10,875 --> 00:09:12,443 The ratings have been slipping, 232 00:09:12,444 --> 00:09:14,075 And your offscreen antics in the tabloids 233 00:09:14,076 --> 00:09:15,067 Haven't been helping. 234 00:09:15,068 --> 00:09:16,700 I thought she was 18. 235 00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:18,524 Doesn't matter, Stephen. She was your niece. 236 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:19,740 I thought she was once removed. 237 00:09:19,741 --> 00:09:21,276 Doesn't matter, Stephen. 238 00:09:21,277 --> 00:09:22,588 You had sex with her. 239 00:09:22,589 --> 00:09:24,764 I thought I was fingering her. 240 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,269 It feels the same to her. 241 00:09:26,270 --> 00:09:27,389 Don't you get it, Stephen? 242 00:09:27,390 --> 00:09:28,605 Well, then, shit, fielding. 243 00:09:28,606 --> 00:09:30,525 Get me another jo--what have you got lined up for me? 244 00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:32,606 I've got nothing, Stephen. 245 00:09:32,607 --> 00:09:34,526 Let's face it. 246 00:09:34,527 --> 00:09:35,838 The majority of jobs are for actors 247 00:09:35,839 --> 00:09:37,311 Who can get off the floor without dying. 248 00:09:37,312 --> 00:09:39,871 I--Stephen, I don't make the rules. 249 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:41,855 That's the climate of the marketplace these days. 250 00:09:41,856 --> 00:09:43,328 I--I--I got to get this. 251 00:09:43,329 --> 00:09:44,384 I got--hello! 252 00:09:44,385 --> 00:09:45,536 Johnny Frankel, 253 00:09:45,537 --> 00:09:47,393 My favorite client, who's stuck in an elevator. 254 00:09:47,394 --> 00:09:48,449 What's up, man? 255 00:09:48,450 --> 00:09:49,985 But listen, you got to decide quickly, 256 00:09:49,986 --> 00:09:51,489 Because at the end of the day, 257 00:09:51,490 --> 00:09:53,025 Let's not jerk each other off here. 258 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,074 You're not going to be stuck on that elevator forever. 259 00:09:55,075 --> 00:09:56,930 You know that. 260 00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:07,556 What happened to Stephen Montgomery? 261 00:10:07,557 --> 00:10:08,773 For the past three years, 262 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,077 Stephen has stayed out of the limelight, 263 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,093 Choosing a quiet life 264 00:10:13,094 --> 00:10:16,261 Stuck in the ground-- always. 265 00:10:16,262 --> 00:10:18,150 I used to like him, 266 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,718 And now I hate him. 267 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:20,999 Wow. 268 00:10:20,999 --> 00:10:22,503 Thank you so much, Louis. 269 00:10:22,504 --> 00:10:24,231 And that's all the news for tonight. 270 00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:25,350 I'm Bream Benson. 271 00:10:25,351 --> 00:10:26,919 And I'm Jim Stansel. Good night. 272 00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:34,760 See how that works? 273 00:10:34,761 --> 00:10:36,872 That was the first one, and now we have nine more, 274 00:10:36,873 --> 00:10:38,217 The total being ten. 275 00:10:38,218 --> 00:10:39,689 And you know what ten is. 276 00:10:39,690 --> 00:10:40,681 Ten is. 277 00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:41,641 Tennis? 278 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,210 Tennis, anyone? 279 00:10:43,211 --> 00:10:44,650 It's like I can't even reserve a court 280 00:10:44,651 --> 00:10:46,442 Unless it's a holiday weekend. 281 00:10:46,443 --> 00:10:48,587 Anyway, let's do the second story, shall we? 282 00:10:48,588 --> 00:10:50,859 No, no, don't help me or anything. 283 00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:52,524 Oh, I--I didn't know you were here. 284 00:10:52,525 --> 00:10:53,676 Of course you didn't. 285 00:10:53,677 --> 00:10:55,371 God forbid you notice anybody but yourself. 286 00:10:55,372 --> 00:10:56,332 Gretchen-- 287 00:10:56,333 --> 00:10:57,612 Jeff, don't test me today, okay? 288 00:10:57,613 --> 00:10:58,604 You will lose. 289 00:11:01,006 --> 00:11:02,061 Did you see that? 290 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,021 Am I crazy? 291 00:11:03,022 --> 00:11:04,269 I didn't know she was here. 292 00:11:04,270 --> 00:11:06,126 God, she's getting to the point where, literally, 293 00:11:06,127 --> 00:11:08,046 There isn't a thing that I can do that's-- 294 00:11:08,047 --> 00:11:10,030 We used to talk about how we'd never fight like that. 295 00:11:10,031 --> 00:11:11,375 We used to laugh at those people. 296 00:11:11,376 --> 00:11:13,807 I would break a blood vessel, I would laugh so hard. 297 00:11:13,808 --> 00:11:16,336 You know how they say laughter's the best medicine? 298 00:11:16,337 --> 00:11:17,488 No, I would need medicine 299 00:11:17,489 --> 00:11:19,023 To put on my broken blood vessel. 300 00:11:19,024 --> 00:11:20,880 That's how hard I was laughing. 301 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,256 It was a topical ointment. 302 00:11:22,257 --> 00:11:23,632 I don't remember what it was called. 303 00:11:23,633 --> 00:11:24,721 It's been so many years 304 00:11:24,722 --> 00:11:26,513 Since I laughed so hard and broke a blood vessel 305 00:11:26,514 --> 00:11:28,337 That I would even need the ointment. 306 00:11:28,338 --> 00:11:29,458 I'm sorry. 307 00:11:29,459 --> 00:11:30,930 I don't mean to burden you with this-- 308 00:11:30,931 --> 00:11:32,915 Oxydine Three. 309 00:11:32,916 --> 00:11:34,706 Oxydine Three, that's what-- that was what-- 310 00:11:34,707 --> 00:11:36,339 The name of the ointment. 311 00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:38,419 Anyway, let's get back to our ten stories. 312 00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:39,923 Here we go with number two, 313 00:11:39,924 --> 00:11:42,612 The duck, the deuce, 314 00:11:42,613 --> 00:11:44,052 Number two. 315 00:11:44,053 --> 00:11:45,749 Poop. 316 00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,520 Hola. 317 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:12,088 Como esta? 318 00:12:12,089 --> 00:12:15,897 Estoy bien. 319 00:12:15,898 --> 00:12:17,209 Hola. 320 00:12:17,210 --> 00:12:18,874 Como esta? 321 00:12:18,875 --> 00:12:21,179 Estoy bien. 322 00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:23,035 Estoy bien. 323 00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:32,636 Te quiero, mi amor. 324 00:12:32,637 --> 00:12:33,596 Brushing up on your spanish? 325 00:12:33,597 --> 00:12:35,484 Yes. Wait a minute. 326 00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:36,444 Si. 327 00:12:36,445 --> 00:12:38,333 Ooh, that was very good. 328 00:12:38,334 --> 00:12:39,422 Sounds just like my nanny. 329 00:12:39,423 --> 00:12:40,701 Gracias. 330 00:12:40,702 --> 00:12:42,750 Mm-mm, that wasn't as good. 331 00:12:42,751 --> 00:12:44,126 You had me at "si," 332 00:12:44,127 --> 00:12:45,950 But then you lost me at "gracias." 333 00:12:45,951 --> 00:12:47,135 Anyway, I want you to meet Tony. 334 00:12:47,136 --> 00:12:48,415 He's gonna be filling in for you 335 00:12:48,416 --> 00:12:50,592 While you're in Mejico all summer. 336 00:12:50,592 --> 00:12:51,552 Very good, Oliver. 337 00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:52,927 You used the native pronunciation, 338 00:12:52,928 --> 00:12:54,912 Which includes the "x" having an "h" sound. 339 00:12:54,913 --> 00:12:56,032 Mejico. 340 00:12:56,033 --> 00:12:58,080 See how much fun we have together, Gloria? 341 00:12:58,081 --> 00:12:59,552 When are you gonna get over yourself 342 00:12:59,553 --> 00:13:00,737 And go out with me already? 343 00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:02,722 I wish I felt that way, but I don't. 344 00:13:02,723 --> 00:13:06,113 Well, you can't blame a gal for trying every day 345 00:13:06,114 --> 00:13:07,522 For five years. 346 00:13:07,523 --> 00:13:09,026 At any rate, I want you to meet Tony, 347 00:13:09,027 --> 00:13:10,562 Your temporary replacement. 348 00:13:10,563 --> 00:13:11,586 Hey, how's it going? 349 00:13:11,587 --> 00:13:14,051 Oh, didn't see you there. 350 00:13:14,052 --> 00:13:15,427 Oh. 351 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:16,387 Hello. 352 00:13:16,388 --> 00:13:17,412 Sorry, is that better? 353 00:13:17,413 --> 00:13:18,564 Much. 354 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,004 Yeah. 355 00:13:20,005 --> 00:13:21,413 Well, the filing system is over here. 356 00:13:21,413 --> 00:13:22,917 I've written down the instructions 357 00:13:22,918 --> 00:13:24,004 For the voice mail here. 358 00:13:24,005 --> 00:13:25,733 And if you need anything, you can call me-- 359 00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:27,013 Gloria, relax. 360 00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:28,709 Take your vacation. 361 00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:30,086 Go wild. Have fun. 362 00:13:30,087 --> 00:13:31,429 Tony can handle things. 363 00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:32,646 Right, Tony? 364 00:13:32,647 --> 00:13:33,958 Yup. 365 00:13:38,152 --> 00:13:40,039 Maybe you're right. 366 00:14:20,719 --> 00:14:22,830 Gracias. 367 00:14:27,121 --> 00:14:28,111 I-- 368 00:14:28,112 --> 00:14:29,072 Yes? 369 00:14:29,073 --> 00:14:31,408 I want to-- 370 00:14:31,409 --> 00:14:32,528 Yes? 371 00:14:32,529 --> 00:14:34,801 I want to... 372 00:14:34,802 --> 00:14:36,176 Fuck your tits. 373 00:14:36,177 --> 00:14:37,137 Yes? 374 00:14:37,138 --> 00:14:38,513 No, no. 375 00:14:38,514 --> 00:14:40,594 I don't think that's what you're trying to say. 376 00:14:40,594 --> 00:14:41,618 One moment. 377 00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,026 One--one moment. 378 00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:04,245 guerita, guerita, 379 00:15:04,246 --> 00:15:05,526 Try these. 380 00:15:05,527 --> 00:15:06,582 Very juicy. 381 00:15:06,583 --> 00:15:09,015 Gracias. 382 00:15:42,237 --> 00:15:43,196 Hey, senorita! 383 00:15:43,197 --> 00:15:46,109 Tres pesos for the mango! 384 00:15:51,582 --> 00:15:53,278 Gloria. 385 00:15:59,263 --> 00:16:00,895 Gracias, Alfonzo, but... 386 00:16:00,896 --> 00:16:03,711 Yo estoy tired 387 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:04,863 From el air-o plane-o. 388 00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:05,760 Mm. 389 00:16:07,745 --> 00:16:09,153 Gloria, 390 00:16:09,154 --> 00:16:10,688 This is Jesus. 391 00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:37,861 Nice to meet you. 392 00:16:44,007 --> 00:16:45,862 Encantado. 393 00:17:28,398 --> 00:17:30,798 ♪ El Fuego, El Fuego. ♪ 394 00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:32,654 ♪ quiero what you got. ♪ 395 00:17:32,655 --> 00:17:35,630 ♪ El Fuego, El Fuego ♪ 396 00:17:35,631 --> 00:17:37,455 ♪ is caliente, hot. ♪ 397 00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:39,983 ♪ El Fuego, El Fuego. ♪ 398 00:17:39,984 --> 00:17:42,384 ♪ Quiero what you got. ♪ 399 00:17:42,385 --> 00:17:44,721 ♪ El Fuego, El Fuego ♪ 400 00:17:44,722 --> 00:17:47,025 ♪ is caliente, hot. ♪ 401 00:17:47,026 --> 00:17:49,329 ♪ El Fuego, El Fuego. ♪ 402 00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:51,761 ♪ Quiero what you got. ♪ 403 00:17:51,762 --> 00:17:54,322 ♪ El Fuego, El Fuego. ♪ 404 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:57,458 Oh, Jesus. 405 00:19:11,744 --> 00:19:12,639 No, no, no. 406 00:19:21,249 --> 00:19:22,624 Gloria... 407 00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:42,692 Yeah, si, Pero... 408 00:19:42,693 --> 00:19:43,972 Okay. 409 00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:55,654 Wow. 410 00:20:34,797 --> 00:20:35,756 Hey, hey! 411 00:21:48,858 --> 00:21:51,290 and this we pray to you, our Lord and Savior, 412 00:21:51,291 --> 00:21:53,050 Jesus Christ. 413 00:21:55,387 --> 00:21:56,506 Oh, Oliver. 414 00:21:56,507 --> 00:21:57,786 Yes, Oliver. 415 00:21:57,787 --> 00:21:58,842 Oh, yeah. 416 00:21:58,843 --> 00:22:00,475 Oh, Jesus. 417 00:22:00,476 --> 00:22:02,363 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 418 00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:03,803 Who the hell is this Jesus guy? 419 00:22:03,804 --> 00:22:05,468 Nobody, Oliver. 420 00:22:05,469 --> 00:22:06,428 Don't overreact. 421 00:22:06,429 --> 00:22:08,124 I'm not overreacting. 422 00:22:08,125 --> 00:22:09,181 I mean, how would you like it 423 00:22:09,182 --> 00:22:10,652 If I yelled out Patricia's name 424 00:22:10,653 --> 00:22:12,029 In the middle of sex? 425 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,632 Nine... 426 00:22:29,633 --> 00:22:32,416 Ten. 427 00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:33,408 Sorry about that. 428 00:22:33,409 --> 00:22:34,945 I'm a bit of a health fiend. 429 00:22:34,946 --> 00:22:36,576 Since when do you exercise? 430 00:22:36,577 --> 00:22:37,633 What are you talking about? 431 00:22:37,634 --> 00:22:38,753 I found this downstairs. 432 00:22:38,754 --> 00:22:40,289 I thought I'd give my pecs a little juice. 433 00:22:40,290 --> 00:22:42,370 Give your pecs a little juice? 434 00:22:42,371 --> 00:22:43,682 What? Juicing my pecs. 435 00:22:43,683 --> 00:22:45,122 I don't know. 436 00:22:45,123 --> 00:22:47,171 Something you're not telling me about the pec juice. 437 00:22:47,172 --> 00:22:48,579 W--w--what do you think, Gretchen? 438 00:22:48,580 --> 00:22:49,891 I'm screwing around on you? 439 00:22:49,892 --> 00:22:50,947 Oh, wait, no. Let me guess. 440 00:22:50,948 --> 00:22:52,163 I met some girl at a coffee shop, 441 00:22:52,164 --> 00:22:54,500 And we made jokes about the little cardboard things 442 00:22:54,501 --> 00:22:56,260 You put over a cup so you don't burn your hands, 443 00:22:56,261 --> 00:22:58,501 And then we went out to my car, and I screwed her twice? 444 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:00,325 I wasn't saying that at all. 445 00:23:00,326 --> 00:23:01,829 Well, then can I-- 446 00:23:01,830 --> 00:23:03,493 Oh, please, do your thing. 447 00:23:05,542 --> 00:23:07,238 Jeez, you hear that, guys? 448 00:23:07,239 --> 00:23:08,294 Questioning my pec juice. 449 00:23:08,295 --> 00:23:10,150 My pec juice. 450 00:23:10,151 --> 00:23:11,558 Sorry, I didn't mean to get off track. 451 00:23:11,559 --> 00:23:12,679 Where-- 452 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:13,735 Oh, yeah, that's right. 453 00:23:13,736 --> 00:23:15,271 Here's the third story. 454 00:23:28,875 --> 00:23:29,770 Scalpel. 455 00:23:30,795 --> 00:23:32,042 Scalpel. 456 00:23:33,291 --> 00:23:34,346 forceps. 457 00:23:34,347 --> 00:23:35,979 Forceps. 458 00:23:41,453 --> 00:23:43,020 Gesundheit. Thank you. 459 00:23:44,333 --> 00:23:45,709 Grover Shepherd scissors. 460 00:23:45,710 --> 00:23:47,021 Grover Shepherd scissors. 461 00:23:51,150 --> 00:23:52,749 Okay, sew her up. 462 00:23:52,750 --> 00:23:53,997 Good work, Dr. Richie. 463 00:23:53,998 --> 00:23:55,598 Thanks, Nancy. 464 00:23:55,599 --> 00:23:56,942 Ooh! 465 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,975 Oh, it hurts! Oh! Every time I move! 466 00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:06,320 You're gonna be okay. 467 00:24:06,321 --> 00:24:08,336 Hey, hey, hey, sounds like there's a cougar in here. 468 00:24:08,337 --> 00:24:09,392 How we doing today? 469 00:24:09,393 --> 00:24:10,832 Thank god you're here, Dr. Richie. 470 00:24:10,833 --> 00:24:12,273 She's been in horrible pain like this since the operation. 471 00:24:12,274 --> 00:24:13,361 yeah. Yeah, yeah. 472 00:24:13,362 --> 00:24:14,545 Oh, yeah, I'm sure she has been. 473 00:24:14,546 --> 00:24:15,729 Here, come take a look. 474 00:24:15,730 --> 00:24:16,626 Okay. 475 00:24:20,147 --> 00:24:21,331 See this? 476 00:24:21,332 --> 00:24:23,058 This is Sheila one hour post-op. 477 00:24:23,059 --> 00:24:25,203 And it's my educated guess 478 00:24:25,204 --> 00:24:26,675 That the sharp cutting blades 479 00:24:26,676 --> 00:24:28,244 Of the Grover Shepherd medical scissors 480 00:24:28,245 --> 00:24:31,476 Is what's causing most of the pain. 481 00:24:31,477 --> 00:24:33,748 You left a pair of scissors inside of my wife? 482 00:24:35,382 --> 00:24:36,725 Yes, that's correct. 483 00:24:36,726 --> 00:24:38,133 How can you make a mistake like that? 484 00:24:38,134 --> 00:24:39,670 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, it wasn't a mistake. 485 00:24:39,670 --> 00:24:41,109 I did it as a goof. 486 00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:42,069 You goofed? 487 00:24:42,070 --> 00:24:44,598 No, no, no. Relax. 488 00:24:44,599 --> 00:24:45,558 As a goof. 489 00:24:45,559 --> 00:24:46,678 I did it as a goof. 490 00:24:46,679 --> 00:24:47,863 I-I-I don't get it. 491 00:24:47,864 --> 00:24:49,623 Well, clearly, you just don't know me. 492 00:24:49,624 --> 00:24:50,839 I goof a lot. 493 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,312 My friends know 494 00:24:52,313 --> 00:24:53,783 That at least half the time, 495 00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:54,872 I am goofing. 496 00:24:54,873 --> 00:24:55,960 The thing is, 497 00:24:55,961 --> 00:24:57,752 You need to understand my sense of humor. 498 00:24:57,753 --> 00:24:58,713 I think that's it. 499 00:24:58,713 --> 00:25:00,345 Nancy, you were here 500 00:25:00,346 --> 00:25:01,721 When I was operating on this woman. 501 00:25:01,722 --> 00:25:03,353 I dropped the scissors in her belly. 502 00:25:03,354 --> 00:25:04,890 Why did I do that? 503 00:25:04,891 --> 00:25:07,930 If I remember correctly, you did it as a goof. 504 00:25:07,931 --> 00:25:08,922 Satisfied? Is there anything else-- 505 00:25:08,923 --> 00:25:10,651 Listen, you son of a bitch. 506 00:25:10,652 --> 00:25:13,307 I want you to get that thing out of my wife's stomach now! 507 00:25:15,772 --> 00:25:17,116 Sheila? 508 00:25:17,117 --> 00:25:18,076 Baby? 509 00:25:18,077 --> 00:25:19,516 Oh, she's dead. 510 00:25:19,517 --> 00:25:20,476 What? 511 00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:21,884 Wait, is this a goof? 512 00:25:21,885 --> 00:25:22,844 Is this-- 513 00:25:22,845 --> 00:25:24,093 No, she's dead. 514 00:25:24,094 --> 00:25:25,245 Do you still want me 515 00:25:25,246 --> 00:25:26,717 To take the scissors out-- mm, probably not. 516 00:25:26,718 --> 00:25:28,190 You murdered my wife! 517 00:25:28,191 --> 00:25:31,166 Hey, guy, as a goof, 518 00:25:31,167 --> 00:25:32,478 Guy, as a goof. 519 00:25:32,479 --> 00:25:33,662 You know what? 520 00:25:33,663 --> 00:25:35,934 You're bad vibes. I got to blow. 521 00:25:35,935 --> 00:25:38,111 Man, it's not rocket science. 522 00:25:41,408 --> 00:25:43,360 So let me get this straight. 523 00:25:43,361 --> 00:25:47,073 You're saying you dropped a surgical instrument 524 00:25:47,073 --> 00:25:51,329 Into Mrs. Contiella's body knowingly and deliberately. 525 00:25:51,330 --> 00:25:54,018 I have been an exemplary surgeon 526 00:25:54,019 --> 00:25:55,458 For the last 20 years, a good citizen, 527 00:25:55,459 --> 00:25:57,122 A father, a family man, 528 00:25:57,123 --> 00:25:58,274 A husband. 529 00:26:01,956 --> 00:26:03,459 Did you deliberately 530 00:26:03,460 --> 00:26:05,859 put the scissors into Mrs. Contiella's body? 531 00:26:05,860 --> 00:26:07,620 I would never, under any circumstances, 532 00:26:07,621 --> 00:26:09,316 Do anything to harm a patient 533 00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:10,724 unless I was doing it as a goof. 534 00:26:10,725 --> 00:26:12,357 Did you put the scissors in? 535 00:26:12,358 --> 00:26:13,380 I am a practicing physician, sir. 536 00:26:13,381 --> 00:26:14,341 Did you put the scissors in? 537 00:26:14,342 --> 00:26:15,942 For the last 20 years-- 538 00:26:15,943 --> 00:26:16,902 Did you put the scissors in? 539 00:26:16,903 --> 00:26:18,278 I am not gonna entertain-- 540 00:26:18,279 --> 00:26:19,526 Did you put the scissors in? 541 00:26:19,527 --> 00:26:22,086 As a goddamn goof! 542 00:26:28,777 --> 00:26:30,663 Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, 543 00:26:30,664 --> 00:26:34,376 I like a goof as much as the next guy. 544 00:26:34,377 --> 00:26:39,850 Hell, in college, me and my polack roommate 545 00:26:39,851 --> 00:26:41,641 Once duct-taped this oriental guy 546 00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:43,882 To the inside of the trunk of my Corvette. 547 00:26:45,003 --> 00:26:47,947 So I get a goof. 548 00:26:47,948 --> 00:26:49,483 But there is a goof, 549 00:26:49,484 --> 00:26:52,971 And then there is murder. 550 00:26:52,972 --> 00:26:54,123 Objection. 551 00:26:54,124 --> 00:26:55,275 Sustained. 552 00:26:55,276 --> 00:26:56,396 Overruled. 553 00:26:58,221 --> 00:26:59,309 Goofing. 554 00:27:00,430 --> 00:27:01,453 It's just-- 555 00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:03,502 It's one of the many examples of-- 556 00:27:03,503 --> 00:27:04,622 I have heard enough. 557 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:07,214 I hereby sentence you to life in prison 558 00:27:07,215 --> 00:27:09,390 For the murder of Sheila Contiella. 559 00:27:10,832 --> 00:27:12,527 Uh, Your Honor. 560 00:27:13,936 --> 00:27:14,959 Don't we get a say in this? 561 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,111 Sure. 562 00:27:16,112 --> 00:27:18,384 You want to go through the whole rigmarole? 563 00:27:18,385 --> 00:27:19,792 Be my guest. 564 00:27:25,042 --> 00:27:26,769 court is back in session. 565 00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:32,050 Please rise for the Honorable Sophia R. Jackson. 566 00:27:32,051 --> 00:27:33,779 Have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor. 567 00:27:33,780 --> 00:27:34,931 We, The Jury, 568 00:27:34,932 --> 00:27:36,435 Find the defendant 569 00:27:36,436 --> 00:27:37,587 Guilty 570 00:27:37,588 --> 00:27:40,436 Of murder in the first degree. 571 00:27:40,437 --> 00:27:42,324 Uh, not to be a dick about this, 572 00:27:42,325 --> 00:27:45,301 But didn't I say that about three hours ago? 573 00:27:45,302 --> 00:27:47,028 But you insisted on going in there and-- 574 00:27:47,029 --> 00:27:48,948 But, your honor, that's how the judicial system works. 575 00:27:48,949 --> 00:27:51,957 Oh, is that how the judicial system works? 576 00:27:51,958 --> 00:27:55,094 Please, please, tell her honor more 577 00:27:55,095 --> 00:27:56,182 About how it all works. 578 00:27:56,183 --> 00:27:57,623 I would really like to know. 579 00:27:57,623 --> 00:28:00,855 So the verdict is, as I said before, 580 00:28:00,856 --> 00:28:03,544 Life in prison for Dr. Richie. 581 00:28:03,545 --> 00:28:05,208 Is this a goof? 582 00:28:05,209 --> 00:28:06,360 I don't think so. 583 00:28:06,361 --> 00:28:08,152 If I could, I'd sentence all 12 of you 584 00:28:08,153 --> 00:28:11,161 To death by my foot up your ass. 585 00:28:11,162 --> 00:28:12,473 Fucking assholes. 586 00:28:14,362 --> 00:28:16,122 Thank you, your honor. 587 00:28:16,123 --> 00:28:17,561 Uh, 588 00:28:17,562 --> 00:28:18,522 You, 589 00:28:18,523 --> 00:28:19,738 You're disbarred. 590 00:28:19,739 --> 00:28:20,858 Me? Why? 591 00:28:20,859 --> 00:28:22,202 What am I gonna do? 592 00:28:22,203 --> 00:28:23,739 I hear they're hiring tour guides 593 00:28:23,740 --> 00:28:25,723 At the nuclear power plant. 594 00:28:25,724 --> 00:28:26,940 That could work, I suppose. 595 00:28:26,940 --> 00:28:28,539 The hours have got to be better than this. 596 00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,524 You've been very sweet during all this. 597 00:28:30,525 --> 00:28:32,028 Thank you. 598 00:28:57,729 --> 00:29:00,801 From now on, you Big Buster's wife. 599 00:29:00,802 --> 00:29:03,778 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 600 00:29:03,779 --> 00:29:05,186 I'm-- I'm already taken, 601 00:29:05,187 --> 00:29:07,106 So you're probably gonna have to find somebody else. 602 00:29:16,773 --> 00:29:19,492 You'd better shut the fuck up and start sucking my dick. 603 00:29:21,574 --> 00:29:23,045 I'm goofing. 604 00:29:23,046 --> 00:29:25,157 Oh. 605 00:29:27,558 --> 00:29:30,277 Yeah, okay. 606 00:29:30,278 --> 00:29:31,814 Very good. Okay. 607 00:29:31,815 --> 00:29:33,030 No, I'm not. 608 00:29:33,031 --> 00:29:34,599 Do it. 609 00:29:35,976 --> 00:29:38,375 Mm! 610 00:29:38,376 --> 00:29:40,328 Are you sure your wife is gonna be gone all day? 611 00:29:40,329 --> 00:29:41,447 Oh, yeah. 612 00:29:41,448 --> 00:29:43,240 Yeah, she's disassembling the basketball court 613 00:29:43,241 --> 00:29:44,264 And putting in an ice rink. 614 00:29:44,265 --> 00:29:45,608 Plus, half her crew didn't show up, 615 00:29:45,609 --> 00:29:47,208 So she won't be home for hours; trust me. 616 00:29:47,209 --> 00:29:48,457 Oh, I don't know. I mean-- 617 00:29:48,458 --> 00:29:50,377 Well, what's the alternative? We go to your place? 618 00:29:50,378 --> 00:29:52,298 Your roommate's a modern-day Gloria Steinem. 619 00:29:52,299 --> 00:29:53,450 I'll be making love with you, 620 00:29:53,451 --> 00:29:54,730 And she'll be in the room next door 621 00:29:54,731 --> 00:29:56,042 Having a bra-burning session. 622 00:29:56,043 --> 00:29:57,514 What's so terrible about women's lib? 623 00:29:57,515 --> 00:29:59,242 You know, I think they make some really good points. 624 00:29:59,243 --> 00:30:00,587 Don't get me wrong. 625 00:30:00,588 --> 00:30:02,315 I'm all for equal pay. 626 00:30:02,316 --> 00:30:04,651 But there are some differences beyond just the plumbing. 627 00:30:04,652 --> 00:30:05,611 Do I want you on the front lines? 628 00:30:05,612 --> 00:30:06,988 I don't think so. 629 00:30:06,989 --> 00:30:08,844 The Russians will come in with their guns a-blazin', 630 00:30:08,845 --> 00:30:10,445 And you guys will be out powdering your boobs. 631 00:30:10,446 --> 00:30:13,101 You know I get so hot when you talk politics. 632 00:30:16,014 --> 00:30:17,581 So when you gonna break up with Gretchen? 633 00:30:17,582 --> 00:30:18,862 Soon. Soon. 634 00:30:18,863 --> 00:30:19,982 But you've made promises to me! 635 00:30:19,983 --> 00:30:21,294 I--I know. 636 00:30:21,295 --> 00:30:22,286 Liz, it's complicated. 637 00:30:22,287 --> 00:30:23,279 You have to be patient. 638 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,231 I know. I-- 639 00:30:26,288 --> 00:30:29,040 I'll tell Gretchen this week. 640 00:30:29,041 --> 00:30:30,448 Here's the next story. 641 00:30:30,449 --> 00:30:32,368 Mm. 642 00:30:32,369 --> 00:30:35,120 I'm getting excited. 643 00:30:35,121 --> 00:30:36,753 Can you feel me? 644 00:30:49,268 --> 00:30:50,227 There you go. 645 00:30:50,228 --> 00:30:52,340 Ahh! 646 00:30:52,341 --> 00:30:53,844 There you go. There you go. 647 00:30:53,845 --> 00:30:56,596 Oh, you did it. 648 00:30:56,597 --> 00:30:57,780 Is it a boy or a girl? 649 00:30:57,781 --> 00:30:59,797 Let me put it this way: the first one's a boy. 650 00:30:59,798 --> 00:31:02,165 And here comes boy number two. 651 00:31:02,166 --> 00:31:03,958 oh, My God! 652 00:31:05,654 --> 00:31:06,774 Oh! 653 00:31:06,775 --> 00:31:08,950 Are there any more in there, vagina? 654 00:31:10,103 --> 00:31:11,927 I love it! 655 00:31:11,928 --> 00:31:13,655 Oh. 656 00:31:13,656 --> 00:31:16,984 They're my little guys. 657 00:31:16,985 --> 00:31:21,176 Oh, I am gonna love you till the day I die. 658 00:31:34,715 --> 00:31:38,555 Now that Dad's gone and we're grown up, 659 00:31:38,556 --> 00:31:40,667 We think it's time for you to tell us the truth. 660 00:31:40,668 --> 00:31:42,492 About what? 661 00:31:42,493 --> 00:31:44,956 About the fact that you and Dad are white 662 00:31:44,957 --> 00:31:46,365 And we're black. 663 00:31:47,389 --> 00:31:49,373 Ah, right. 664 00:31:49,374 --> 00:31:51,870 Yeah, I had a feeling this day would come. 665 00:31:51,871 --> 00:31:54,590 The year before you were born, 666 00:31:54,591 --> 00:31:57,950 I was the entertainment reporter for the local newspaper. 667 00:31:57,951 --> 00:32:02,015 And I had an opportunity to interview all the big stars: 668 00:32:02,016 --> 00:32:06,112 Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, 669 00:32:06,113 --> 00:32:08,416 Sidney Poitier, everybody. 670 00:32:08,417 --> 00:32:11,233 And even though I was married to your father 671 00:32:11,234 --> 00:32:14,466 And very, very much in love with him, 672 00:32:14,467 --> 00:32:17,665 From time to time, after the interviews, 673 00:32:17,666 --> 00:32:22,562 These stars would... 674 00:32:22,563 --> 00:32:23,587 Fuck me. 675 00:32:23,588 --> 00:32:24,995 Mom, cut to the chase. 676 00:32:24,996 --> 00:32:26,596 Did you have sex with these guys or not? 677 00:32:26,597 --> 00:32:27,844 Well, as I said-- 678 00:32:27,844 --> 00:32:29,348 Who's our biological father? 679 00:32:29,349 --> 00:32:33,220 So one night after an interview, 680 00:32:33,221 --> 00:32:34,821 I took the opportunity 681 00:32:34,822 --> 00:32:38,661 To fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger. 682 00:32:38,662 --> 00:32:39,653 And? 683 00:32:39,654 --> 00:32:41,765 Do you need me to spell it out for you? 684 00:32:41,766 --> 00:32:42,694 Yes. Yes. 685 00:32:44,775 --> 00:32:47,334 I... 686 00:32:47,335 --> 00:32:53,320 F-u-c-k-e-d... 687 00:32:53,321 --> 00:32:58,537 A-r-n-o-l-d 688 00:32:58,538 --> 00:33:01,673 S-c-h-- 689 00:33:01,674 --> 00:33:03,401 Mom-- let her finish. 690 00:33:03,402 --> 00:33:09,707 W-a-r-e-n... 691 00:33:09,708 --> 00:33:12,587 E-g-g... 692 00:33:12,588 --> 00:33:15,019 E-r. 693 00:33:15,020 --> 00:33:17,836 So you're saying Arnold Schwarzenegger's 694 00:33:17,837 --> 00:33:18,892 Our biological father? 695 00:33:18,893 --> 00:33:20,140 Yes. 696 00:33:20,141 --> 00:33:22,252 It's why you're both so tall. 697 00:33:22,253 --> 00:33:23,308 I always told everyone 698 00:33:23,309 --> 00:33:24,749 It was because you got too much sun. 699 00:33:24,750 --> 00:33:26,573 But how can you be sure it's-- 700 00:33:26,574 --> 00:33:27,725 I'm positive. 701 00:33:27,726 --> 00:33:29,773 He was the only man I was with during that time. 702 00:33:29,774 --> 00:33:32,430 And I took the blood test to prove it. 703 00:33:32,431 --> 00:33:33,838 How does that explain the dark color of our skin? 704 00:33:33,839 --> 00:33:35,247 I know. 705 00:33:35,247 --> 00:33:37,999 I know. Believe me, I know. 706 00:33:42,673 --> 00:33:45,073 Boys, since our conversation, 707 00:33:45,074 --> 00:33:47,281 I've been thinking about it a lot. 708 00:33:47,282 --> 00:33:50,161 And I've decided it's best 709 00:33:50,162 --> 00:33:52,402 For you to meet your real father. 710 00:33:52,403 --> 00:33:53,585 Really? 711 00:33:53,586 --> 00:33:55,122 Yes. 712 00:33:55,123 --> 00:33:58,386 So without further ado, 713 00:33:58,387 --> 00:34:00,211 You knew "he'd be back," 714 00:34:00,212 --> 00:34:02,099 And here is-- 715 00:34:02,100 --> 00:34:06,612 The man, the machine, your dad, 716 00:34:06,613 --> 00:34:12,469 The incomparable Arnold Schwarzenegger. 717 00:34:12,470 --> 00:34:14,294 hello, my sons. 718 00:34:14,295 --> 00:34:16,021 I'm Arnold. 719 00:34:16,022 --> 00:34:19,414 So thrilled to finally meet my two boys. 720 00:34:19,415 --> 00:34:20,886 It will be fantastic. 721 00:34:20,887 --> 00:34:22,871 Do you want to go around throw outside the ball, 722 00:34:22,872 --> 00:34:24,183 Something like this? 723 00:34:24,184 --> 00:34:27,383 Mom, that's not Arnold Schwarzenegger. 724 00:34:29,337 --> 00:34:31,096 Arnold, could you wait in the living room 725 00:34:31,097 --> 00:34:32,088 For just a second? 726 00:34:32,089 --> 00:34:33,720 Of course. 727 00:34:33,721 --> 00:34:36,280 I'll be back. 728 00:34:36,281 --> 00:34:38,425 Look, I tried to get in touch with Arnold, 729 00:34:38,426 --> 00:34:39,833 But he's a major politician now, 730 00:34:39,834 --> 00:34:42,106 And I couldn't even get past the receptionist. 731 00:34:42,107 --> 00:34:43,194 That guy 732 00:34:43,195 --> 00:34:45,211 Does corporate events as Arnold, 733 00:34:45,212 --> 00:34:46,906 So I thought at least it would give you an idea 734 00:34:46,907 --> 00:34:48,507 Of what it'd be like to have him around. 735 00:34:48,508 --> 00:34:49,851 Okay, mom. 736 00:34:49,852 --> 00:34:50,811 Thanks. 737 00:34:50,812 --> 00:34:52,923 We'll try to make it work. 738 00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:55,772 That's my beautiful boys. 739 00:34:55,773 --> 00:34:57,149 I'm back. 740 00:34:57,150 --> 00:35:00,701 Oh, hey... 741 00:35:00,702 --> 00:35:01,693 Dad. 742 00:35:01,694 --> 00:35:04,349 Son. 743 00:35:05,694 --> 00:35:06,750 Oh, here we go. Get him! Get him! 744 00:35:06,751 --> 00:35:07,711 I'm gonna get you! 745 00:35:07,711 --> 00:35:09,150 Oh, good one. Okay. 746 00:35:09,151 --> 00:35:11,454 You split right. Split left. 747 00:35:11,455 --> 00:35:13,055 Fantastic! 748 00:35:14,336 --> 00:35:16,736 Okay, here we go. 749 00:35:16,737 --> 00:35:18,527 Oh, dear. 750 00:35:22,658 --> 00:35:23,840 I know this time for you two 751 00:35:23,841 --> 00:35:25,793 Must have been very difficult 752 00:35:25,794 --> 00:35:28,226 On so many levels. 753 00:35:28,227 --> 00:35:31,330 One, your father passing away 754 00:35:31,331 --> 00:35:32,962 Not more than a week ago 755 00:35:32,963 --> 00:35:34,371 At the young age of 42, 756 00:35:34,371 --> 00:35:35,683 Finally succumbing, 757 00:35:35,684 --> 00:35:39,075 After a courageous battle with liver cancer. 758 00:35:39,076 --> 00:35:41,092 Two, the revelation 759 00:35:41,093 --> 00:35:42,500 That your real biological father 760 00:35:42,501 --> 00:35:45,092 Is none other than international-movie-megastar- 761 00:35:45,093 --> 00:35:46,980 Turned-California-Governor. 762 00:35:46,981 --> 00:35:49,797 You know who he is, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 763 00:35:49,798 --> 00:35:51,814 And three, 764 00:35:51,815 --> 00:35:54,342 Having me, Marc Jacobson, 765 00:35:54,343 --> 00:35:56,070 Second-rate stand-up comedian 766 00:35:56,071 --> 00:35:59,047 Doing 24-hour-day impression of Arnold 767 00:35:59,048 --> 00:36:02,440 In the effort to make you comfor-tay-ble--comfortable. 768 00:36:02,441 --> 00:36:04,871 Com-for-table? 769 00:36:04,872 --> 00:36:08,553 And four, the ongoing confusion over the fact 770 00:36:08,554 --> 00:36:10,792 That you have two white biological parents 771 00:36:10,793 --> 00:36:12,041 And yet you yourselves 772 00:36:12,042 --> 00:36:16,297 Are quite obviously dark-skinned African-American boys. 773 00:36:16,298 --> 00:36:17,322 Must be hard. 774 00:36:17,323 --> 00:36:19,562 That really sums it up. 775 00:36:19,563 --> 00:36:21,547 You know, you don't always have to do the Arnold voice 776 00:36:21,548 --> 00:36:22,443 If you don't want to. 777 00:36:26,636 --> 00:36:29,932 Listen, to be honest with you, 778 00:36:29,933 --> 00:36:32,909 Sometimes it's easier for me to express my true feelings 779 00:36:32,910 --> 00:36:34,604 While doing this impersonation. 780 00:36:34,605 --> 00:36:36,845 There are things 781 00:36:36,846 --> 00:36:38,253 That Arnold Schwarzenegger can say 782 00:36:38,254 --> 00:36:42,414 That Marc Jacobson can't. 783 00:36:42,415 --> 00:36:43,310 Or won't. 784 00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:47,630 Come on, race you back to the house! 785 00:37:03,187 --> 00:37:04,209 I let you win on purpose. 786 00:37:04,210 --> 00:37:05,169 You know I let you win. 787 00:37:05,170 --> 00:37:08,947 Oh, look at my boys all sweaty. 788 00:37:08,948 --> 00:37:10,130 Mom, was the real Arnold Schwarzenegger 789 00:37:10,131 --> 00:37:11,411 As nice as this one? 790 00:37:11,412 --> 00:37:12,947 Well, I haven't thought about that night in years. 791 00:37:12,947 --> 00:37:14,452 But if I remember... 792 00:37:16,148 --> 00:37:17,203 Oh, my god. 793 00:37:17,204 --> 00:37:18,932 You're gonna hate me for this. 794 00:37:18,933 --> 00:37:21,460 I made a little boo-boo. 795 00:37:24,342 --> 00:37:26,549 It wasn't Arnold Schwarzenegger. 796 00:37:27,926 --> 00:37:30,678 It was Arsenio Hall. 797 00:37:31,639 --> 00:37:33,014 well, that explains a lot. 798 00:37:33,015 --> 00:37:34,807 So good to finally know the real truth. 799 00:37:34,808 --> 00:37:36,727 What about the blood test you were talking about? 800 00:37:36,728 --> 00:37:38,903 They were for Arsenio Hall. 801 00:37:38,904 --> 00:37:39,799 Oh. 802 00:37:41,017 --> 00:37:42,456 So where does that leave me? 803 00:37:42,457 --> 00:37:44,632 Well, can you do Arsenio? 804 00:37:45,657 --> 00:37:46,616 No. 805 00:37:48,218 --> 00:37:49,529 I can do Eddie Murphy. 806 00:37:49,530 --> 00:37:50,649 A while back, I used to do 807 00:37:50,650 --> 00:37:51,738 A pretty good Eddie Murphy. 808 00:37:51,739 --> 00:37:52,762 That's fine. 809 00:37:52,763 --> 00:37:54,394 Same difference. 810 00:37:54,395 --> 00:37:56,154 Yeah? Okay. 811 00:37:56,155 --> 00:37:57,659 Oh, yeah. 812 00:37:57,660 --> 00:37:59,483 I got some ice cream. 813 00:37:59,484 --> 00:38:01,435 You cannot have none, 814 00:38:01,436 --> 00:38:02,395 'cause you on welfare. 815 00:38:02,396 --> 00:38:03,611 I'm Gumby, damn it. 816 00:38:03,612 --> 00:38:05,051 Psych! Psych! 817 00:38:05,052 --> 00:38:06,011 Remember? 818 00:38:06,012 --> 00:38:06,972 Yeah. 819 00:38:06,973 --> 00:38:07,932 I got the ice cream. 820 00:38:07,933 --> 00:38:09,404 Yeah. 821 00:38:09,405 --> 00:38:11,549 You may think our family's a little different, 822 00:38:11,550 --> 00:38:12,893 But you know what? 823 00:38:12,894 --> 00:38:15,742 It's our family, and that's what counts. 824 00:38:15,742 --> 00:38:18,206 Who's to say who your father is? 825 00:38:18,207 --> 00:38:19,742 Is it the person who raised you? 826 00:38:19,743 --> 00:38:21,855 Is it the person who gave you your DNA? 827 00:38:21,855 --> 00:38:23,615 Or maybe it's the guy who hangs out in your house 828 00:38:23,616 --> 00:38:25,439 Doing an imitation of a famous comedian 829 00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:27,647 Who is the same race as another famous comedian 830 00:38:27,648 --> 00:38:29,663 Who is your biological father. 831 00:38:29,664 --> 00:38:32,096 If you ask us, it's the last one: 832 00:38:32,097 --> 00:38:33,633 The guy who hangs out at your house 833 00:38:33,633 --> 00:38:35,457 Doing an imitation of a famous comedian 834 00:38:35,458 --> 00:38:37,569 Who's the same race as another famous comedian 835 00:38:37,570 --> 00:38:39,425 Who is your biological father. 836 00:38:39,426 --> 00:38:40,610 I'm Greg Jaffe. 837 00:38:40,611 --> 00:38:41,954 And I'm Taye Jaffe. 838 00:38:41,955 --> 00:38:44,226 and we are the Jaffe brothers. 839 00:38:44,227 --> 00:38:45,923 Good night, folks. 840 00:38:48,804 --> 00:38:56,293 ♪ ♪ 841 00:38:56,294 --> 00:38:58,245 Gretchen is a terrific wife, 842 00:38:58,246 --> 00:39:00,805 But Liz-- she makes me feel young 843 00:39:00,806 --> 00:39:03,781 And vital and vibrant, visceral. 844 00:39:03,782 --> 00:39:05,990 And the sex-- Abe, the sex. 845 00:39:05,991 --> 00:39:07,302 Yeah, but is it worth it, Jeff? 846 00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:09,286 I mean, is it worth throwing away 12 years of marriage 847 00:39:09,287 --> 00:39:10,695 For a momentary thrill? 848 00:39:10,696 --> 00:39:12,711 Monogamy is a myth. 849 00:39:12,712 --> 00:39:13,959 It's a myth. 850 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:16,136 No, monogamy is what keeps society from crumbling. 851 00:39:16,137 --> 00:39:17,288 That's absolutely not true. 852 00:39:17,289 --> 00:39:20,297 We are biochemically engineered to spread our seed. 853 00:39:20,298 --> 00:39:21,993 And the moment you embrace that truth, 854 00:39:21,993 --> 00:39:22,953 The happier you will be. 855 00:39:22,954 --> 00:39:24,009 I'm happy with Betsy. 856 00:39:24,010 --> 00:39:24,969 He's not. You're not. 857 00:39:24,970 --> 00:39:25,929 You convinced yourself you are, 858 00:39:25,930 --> 00:39:26,953 But you're not. I really am. 859 00:39:26,954 --> 00:39:27,914 I mean, is it great 24 hours a day? 860 00:39:27,915 --> 00:39:29,066 No, but I, you know, sleep a lot 861 00:39:29,067 --> 00:39:30,153 To shield out the pain. 862 00:39:30,154 --> 00:39:31,114 If I can get my milk 863 00:39:31,114 --> 00:39:32,074 For free, 864 00:39:32,075 --> 00:39:33,131 You can be damn sure 865 00:39:33,132 --> 00:39:34,570 I'm gonna start fucking cows. 866 00:39:34,571 --> 00:39:35,691 That's easy for you to say. 867 00:39:35,692 --> 00:39:36,811 Literally, I'm literally-- 868 00:39:36,812 --> 00:39:38,379 You've never been married. I have kids. 869 00:39:38,380 --> 00:39:39,755 I'm so serious, it's not even funny. 870 00:39:39,756 --> 00:39:41,100 They're the ones that keep me from slitting my wrists 871 00:39:41,101 --> 00:39:42,220 When I wake up in the morning. 872 00:39:42,221 --> 00:39:43,532 You are living in a fantasy world. 873 00:39:43,533 --> 00:39:44,556 Okay, maybe so, 874 00:39:44,557 --> 00:39:45,996 But I take a pill, and I feel better. 875 00:39:45,997 --> 00:39:48,365 Oh, I don't know who to believe. 876 00:39:48,366 --> 00:39:49,869 Abe or Scotty? 877 00:39:49,870 --> 00:39:52,686 Scotty or Abe? 878 00:39:52,687 --> 00:39:55,918 I do know this: we've got ten stories. 879 00:39:55,919 --> 00:39:57,870 And I'm not gonna let you down. 880 00:39:57,871 --> 00:39:59,631 I promise you that. 881 00:40:34,262 --> 00:40:35,797 son of a bitch. 882 00:40:35,798 --> 00:40:40,117 Paul went and bought himself a CAT Scan Machine. 883 00:40:40,118 --> 00:40:41,206 a CAT Scan Machine? 884 00:40:41,207 --> 00:40:42,710 Like a hospital CAT Scan Machine? 885 00:40:42,711 --> 00:40:43,766 Why would he do that? 886 00:40:43,767 --> 00:40:45,206 That seems ridiculous. 887 00:40:45,207 --> 00:40:48,023 Probably wants to be a hero. 888 00:40:55,193 --> 00:40:58,008 You know what? 889 00:40:58,009 --> 00:41:00,216 We're gonna get a CAT Scan Machine. 890 00:41:00,217 --> 00:41:01,785 Honey, you wouldn't know the first thing 891 00:41:01,786 --> 00:41:03,226 About what to do with a CAT scan. 892 00:41:03,226 --> 00:41:04,313 We'll figure it out. 893 00:41:04,314 --> 00:41:05,498 If I can set up the VCR, 894 00:41:05,499 --> 00:41:07,002 I can set up a CAT Scan Machine. 895 00:41:07,003 --> 00:41:08,186 I set up the VCR. 896 00:41:08,187 --> 00:41:09,147 Ray! 897 00:41:09,148 --> 00:41:10,874 I didn't mean it. 898 00:41:10,875 --> 00:41:11,995 I'm sorry, Jakey. 899 00:41:11,995 --> 00:41:13,691 You know Daddy loves you, right? 900 00:41:13,692 --> 00:41:15,547 ♪ Daddy loves his little boy. ♪ 901 00:41:15,548 --> 00:41:16,988 I did set up the VCR, though. 902 00:41:16,989 --> 00:41:18,140 Ray! 903 00:41:18,141 --> 00:41:19,772 I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Jakey. 904 00:41:20,797 --> 00:41:23,037 You know Daddy loves you, right? 905 00:41:23,038 --> 00:41:24,316 ♪ Daddy loves his little boy. ♪ 906 00:41:24,317 --> 00:41:25,277 I love you too, Daddy. 907 00:41:25,278 --> 00:41:26,493 Ray! 908 00:41:26,494 --> 00:41:27,390 What? 909 00:41:34,591 --> 00:41:36,511 Unbelievable. He bought a CAT scan. 910 00:41:36,512 --> 00:41:38,079 What's the big deal, dad? 911 00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:39,135 Paul! 912 00:41:39,136 --> 00:41:40,287 Oh, my god, Kalen. 913 00:41:40,288 --> 00:41:41,664 I'm so sorry. Daddy didn't mean it. 914 00:41:43,041 --> 00:41:44,032 Nice and easy. 915 00:41:44,033 --> 00:41:45,025 Watch the curb. 916 00:41:45,026 --> 00:41:46,272 Right up there. Right upstairs. 917 00:41:46,273 --> 00:41:49,634 Son of a bitch! 918 00:41:49,634 --> 00:41:52,002 I got to get another one. 919 00:42:05,285 --> 00:42:09,156 Jesus Christ, that sneaky son of a bitch. 920 00:42:12,006 --> 00:42:12,965 Come on, Ray. 921 00:42:12,966 --> 00:42:14,405 Don't be ridic--oh! 922 00:42:18,246 --> 00:42:19,846 I'm sorry, honey. I didn't see you there. 923 00:42:23,016 --> 00:42:24,743 don't look at him. Don't talk to him. 924 00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:28,263 Get in the car. 925 00:42:28,264 --> 00:42:30,056 wh--why? What is this about? 926 00:42:30,057 --> 00:42:31,720 this is why. 927 00:42:31,721 --> 00:42:33,416 I don't want to talk to you anymore. 928 00:42:33,417 --> 00:42:34,312 I'm done with you. 929 00:43:34,548 --> 00:43:35,859 Oh! 930 00:43:35,860 --> 00:43:37,715 Son of a bitch! 931 00:43:52,183 --> 00:43:53,366 Hey. 932 00:43:53,366 --> 00:43:54,742 Hey. 933 00:43:54,743 --> 00:43:57,398 You look like shit. 934 00:43:57,399 --> 00:43:58,839 So do you. 935 00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,471 Yeah, I-- 936 00:44:00,472 --> 00:44:01,367 Right. 937 00:44:04,409 --> 00:44:05,656 Let me ask you something. 938 00:44:05,657 --> 00:44:08,216 Do you give the guys that deliver your CAT scan a tip? 939 00:44:08,217 --> 00:44:09,880 I usually throw them five bucks 940 00:44:09,881 --> 00:44:10,937 So they can grab some lunch. 941 00:44:10,938 --> 00:44:13,017 Five bucks? 942 00:44:13,018 --> 00:44:14,553 Where do you get lunch for five bucks? 943 00:44:14,554 --> 00:44:17,146 McDownald's. 944 00:44:17,147 --> 00:44:19,546 Boorger king. 945 00:44:19,547 --> 00:44:20,506 Woondy's. 946 00:44:20,507 --> 00:44:21,466 I love it. 947 00:44:21,467 --> 00:44:22,747 Little changes to the names 948 00:44:22,748 --> 00:44:25,211 Of the most famous fast-food chains. 949 00:44:25,212 --> 00:44:27,260 That's right. 950 00:44:27,261 --> 00:44:31,420 I really do love it, ray. 951 00:44:31,421 --> 00:44:33,373 Thanks. 952 00:44:35,390 --> 00:44:38,526 This is the radioactive core 953 00:44:38,527 --> 00:44:40,253 Where the nuclear power comes from 954 00:44:40,254 --> 00:44:43,486 So you can all plug in your pac-man machines. 955 00:44:43,487 --> 00:44:45,310 Doesn't it look like it's getting too hot in there? 956 00:44:45,311 --> 00:44:46,526 No, no, no. Don't you worry. 957 00:44:46,527 --> 00:44:48,223 We have a perfect safety record here. 958 00:44:48,224 --> 00:44:49,439 We know what we're doing. 959 00:44:50,592 --> 00:44:52,064 attention. 960 00:44:52,065 --> 00:44:53,087 This is not a drill. 961 00:44:55,009 --> 00:44:56,480 It's happening. 962 00:44:56,481 --> 00:44:57,760 It's happening! 963 00:44:57,761 --> 00:45:00,609 No, no, no, no, no, no! 964 00:45:00,610 --> 00:45:02,753 There are 75 kids out there 965 00:45:02,754 --> 00:45:03,842 Who may have been exposed 966 00:45:03,843 --> 00:45:05,825 To dangerous levels of radiation! 967 00:45:05,826 --> 00:45:07,042 What the hell are we gonna do? 968 00:45:07,043 --> 00:45:08,418 They're at risk unless we can get 969 00:45:08,419 --> 00:45:10,499 All of them tested within the next hour. 970 00:45:10,500 --> 00:45:11,683 Impossible. 971 00:45:11,684 --> 00:45:13,379 Where are we gonna find CAT Scan Machines 972 00:45:13,380 --> 00:45:15,364 For every kid within a ten-mile radius? 973 00:45:15,365 --> 00:45:16,420 I have an idea! 974 00:45:16,421 --> 00:45:17,955 What is it, son? We don't have much time! 975 00:45:17,956 --> 00:45:19,332 Okay, it's a reality show. 976 00:45:19,333 --> 00:45:20,708 We get ten homeless people, 977 00:45:20,709 --> 00:45:22,885 And America votes on which one gets a penthouse apartment. 978 00:45:22,886 --> 00:45:24,165 What's the hook? What's the hook? 979 00:45:24,166 --> 00:45:26,117 Is there a host, a celebrity panel? 980 00:45:26,118 --> 00:45:27,525 I don't know! 981 00:45:27,526 --> 00:45:29,350 It's just a seed of an idea. 982 00:45:29,351 --> 00:45:30,822 I haven't really thought it out yet. 983 00:45:30,823 --> 00:45:32,199 All right, there's something to that, 984 00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:33,447 But we're gonna have to talk about it later 985 00:45:33,447 --> 00:45:34,567 When I can really focus. 986 00:45:34,568 --> 00:45:35,527 Wait a second! 987 00:45:35,528 --> 00:45:37,031 Doesn't your dad 988 00:45:37,032 --> 00:45:39,912 Have a whole bunch of CAT Scan Machines? 989 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:56,555 Oh, come on! Come on! Come on! 990 00:45:56,556 --> 00:45:58,667 There's nobody here! What about your house? 991 00:45:58,668 --> 00:46:00,395 No, there's no one here either! 992 00:46:00,396 --> 00:46:01,803 I don't have my key! 993 00:46:30,865 --> 00:46:35,184 ♪ people are talking, talking 'bout people. ♪ 994 00:46:35,185 --> 00:46:37,553 ♪ I hear them whisper. ♪ 995 00:46:37,554 --> 00:46:39,793 ♪ you won't believe it. ♪ 996 00:46:39,794 --> 00:46:44,211 ♪ they think we're lovers kept under covers. ♪ 997 00:46:44,212 --> 00:46:45,554 ♪ I just ignore it. ♪ 998 00:46:45,555 --> 00:46:47,571 It's nice to take a break from that CAT Scan mishigas, 999 00:46:47,572 --> 00:46:49,171 Get out of the house. 1000 00:46:49,172 --> 00:46:52,275 You said it, neighbor. 1001 00:46:52,276 --> 00:46:53,267 Salut. 1002 00:46:53,268 --> 00:46:54,612 Clink! 1003 00:46:54,613 --> 00:46:56,916 ♪ we stand just a little too close. ♪ 1004 00:46:56,917 --> 00:47:02,133 ♪ we stare just a little too long. ♪ 1005 00:47:02,134 --> 00:47:06,678 ♪ maybe they're seeing something we don't, darling. ♪ 1006 00:47:06,679 --> 00:47:09,654 ♪ let's give them something to talk about. ♪ 1007 00:47:09,655 --> 00:47:12,470 open the door. 1008 00:47:12,471 --> 00:47:14,840 Open the door. 1009 00:47:14,841 --> 00:47:16,023 The kids are just-- 1010 00:47:16,024 --> 00:47:17,879 They're just throwing up and-- 1011 00:47:27,482 --> 00:47:28,953 another beer, gentlemen? 1012 00:47:28,954 --> 00:47:30,298 Yeah, I'll take one. 1013 00:47:30,299 --> 00:47:31,930 I'll take two. 1014 00:47:36,636 --> 00:47:38,971 You son of a bitch. 1015 00:47:38,972 --> 00:47:39,931 This guy. 1016 00:47:39,932 --> 00:47:41,596 Come on! 1017 00:47:41,597 --> 00:47:42,652 Don't you die on me, 1018 00:47:42,653 --> 00:47:44,701 Not now, not like this. 1019 00:47:44,702 --> 00:47:46,621 We have a breaking news story. 1020 00:47:46,622 --> 00:47:48,061 75 children either dead or dying 1021 00:47:48,062 --> 00:47:49,501 Of radiation poisoning 1022 00:47:49,502 --> 00:47:51,549 As a result of an accident at a nuclear power plant. 1023 00:47:51,550 --> 00:47:52,894 Their lives would have been spared 1024 00:47:52,895 --> 00:47:54,174 If they'd been able to get access 1025 00:47:54,175 --> 00:47:55,966 To either of two houses on Grover Avenue, 1026 00:47:55,967 --> 00:47:57,535 Each of which reportedly contains 1027 00:47:57,536 --> 00:47:59,519 Dozens of lifesaving CAT Scan Machines 1028 00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:00,991 Collected for unknown reasons 1029 00:48:00,992 --> 00:48:02,752 By their homeowners, adjacent neighbors 1030 00:48:02,753 --> 00:48:04,639 Who are inexplicably nowhere to be found. 1031 00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:05,760 Among the many casualties 1032 00:48:05,761 --> 00:48:07,201 Was nuclear power plant tour guide 1033 00:48:07,201 --> 00:48:09,536 And former criminal prosecutor Barge Michaelson. 1034 00:48:09,537 --> 00:48:10,913 The details are sketchy right now, 1035 00:48:10,914 --> 00:48:12,993 But we'll keep you updated live as the story develops. 1036 00:48:12,994 --> 00:48:14,370 I'm gonna probably head home. 1037 00:48:14,371 --> 00:48:15,649 It's late. 1038 00:48:15,650 --> 00:48:17,122 Check. 1039 00:48:17,122 --> 00:48:19,234 ♪ let's give them something to talk about. ♪ 1040 00:48:19,235 --> 00:48:21,091 you've been screwing her for a year? 1041 00:48:21,092 --> 00:48:22,243 It's over. Get out. 1042 00:48:22,244 --> 00:48:23,203 Gretchen. 1043 00:48:23,204 --> 00:48:24,419 Get the fuck out of here! 1044 00:48:24,420 --> 00:48:26,883 I'm done with your-- your lies and your apologies 1045 00:48:26,884 --> 00:48:29,284 And your fucking stone tablets. 1046 00:48:29,285 --> 00:48:31,652 Well, where am i supposed to go? 1047 00:48:31,653 --> 00:48:33,444 You can go to hell for all I care. 1048 00:48:33,445 --> 00:48:35,045 Go move in with your little home wrecker. 1049 00:48:35,046 --> 00:48:36,229 She's not a home wrecker. 1050 00:48:36,230 --> 00:48:38,085 She's an avid film buff. You know that. 1051 00:48:38,086 --> 00:48:40,134 She also considers herself a bit of a shutterbug 1052 00:48:40,135 --> 00:48:41,510 And a prestidigitator. 1053 00:48:41,511 --> 00:48:43,110 You know what, Gretchen? You know what you can do? 1054 00:48:43,111 --> 00:48:44,582 Don't say something you're gonna regret. 1055 00:48:44,583 --> 00:48:45,543 Go... 1056 00:48:45,544 --> 00:48:46,503 I'm warning you, Jeff. 1057 00:48:46,504 --> 00:48:47,463 Fly... 1058 00:48:47,464 --> 00:48:48,423 Don't you say it! 1059 00:48:48,424 --> 00:48:51,239 Go fly a kite, Gretchen. 1060 00:48:51,240 --> 00:48:53,064 Go fly a kite. 1061 00:48:53,065 --> 00:48:54,344 You didn't. 1062 00:48:54,345 --> 00:48:55,752 You did not. 1063 00:48:55,753 --> 00:48:58,408 You motherfucker! 1064 00:49:03,114 --> 00:49:05,098 ♪ how about love, love, love? ♪ 1065 00:49:05,099 --> 00:49:07,914 okay, okay, something to talk about. 1066 00:49:07,915 --> 00:49:09,995 Speaking of something to talk about, today's weather: 1067 00:49:09,996 --> 00:49:12,523 Sunny, mild, warm, a little cooler tonight. 1068 00:49:12,524 --> 00:49:14,315 Ladies might want to put on a shawl. 1069 00:49:14,316 --> 00:49:16,651 Let's get back to continuous music. 1070 00:49:16,652 --> 00:49:19,692 ♪ two feet firm in the ground. ♪ 1071 00:49:19,693 --> 00:49:20,588 What's up, brother? 1072 00:49:35,120 --> 00:49:37,007 Hey. 1073 00:49:37,008 --> 00:49:38,383 I don't think we've met. I'm Duane. 1074 00:49:38,384 --> 00:49:39,535 Just transferred from Leavenworth. 1075 00:49:39,536 --> 00:49:41,072 Oh, hi. Pleasure. 1076 00:49:41,073 --> 00:49:42,672 Glenn Richie. 1077 00:49:42,673 --> 00:49:44,336 Oh, yeah. 1078 00:49:44,337 --> 00:49:46,545 You're the doctor that killed one of his patients, right? 1079 00:49:46,546 --> 00:49:47,857 Well, it was a goof. 1080 00:49:47,858 --> 00:49:48,881 yeah. 1081 00:49:48,882 --> 00:49:50,417 Sure, it was a goof. I get it. 1082 00:49:50,418 --> 00:49:53,042 Oh, well, I'm glad somebody finally does. 1083 00:49:53,042 --> 00:49:54,098 Oy. 1084 00:49:56,916 --> 00:49:59,827 Hey, Glenn, 1085 00:49:59,828 --> 00:50:03,411 I haven't been on the outside in such a long time. 1086 00:50:03,412 --> 00:50:05,267 Any new good sushi joints open up, or-- 1087 00:50:05,268 --> 00:50:06,580 Oh, well-- 1088 00:50:06,581 --> 00:50:08,404 Oh, were you around when Noshi Sushi opened up? 1089 00:50:08,405 --> 00:50:09,364 No, is it good? 1090 00:50:09,365 --> 00:50:10,389 Oh, are you kidding me? 1091 00:50:10,390 --> 00:50:11,828 These guys got a softshell crab roll. 1092 00:50:11,829 --> 00:50:13,109 It is better than a tuna roll. 1093 00:50:13,110 --> 00:50:14,357 Come on. No, I'm telling you. 1094 00:50:14,358 --> 00:50:16,502 They got a softshell crab roll better than a tuna roll. 1095 00:50:16,503 --> 00:50:17,686 Wow. So if you ever get out-- 1096 00:50:17,687 --> 00:50:19,255 Well, I'm in for life without parole, so... 1097 00:50:19,256 --> 00:50:21,398 Well, if, for whatever reason, you do get out-- 1098 00:50:21,399 --> 00:50:23,511 There won't be a reason. 1099 00:50:23,511 --> 00:50:24,887 But we don't get sushi in here, huh? 1100 00:50:24,888 --> 00:50:27,384 Oh, I wish we did. 1101 00:50:27,385 --> 00:50:28,856 I'm a sushi fiend. 1102 00:50:30,265 --> 00:50:31,640 Are you kidding? I'm addicted to it. 1103 00:50:31,641 --> 00:50:32,920 I'm addicted to it. 1104 00:50:32,921 --> 00:50:35,257 hey, Paco. I'm open. 1105 00:50:39,546 --> 00:50:40,441 Whatever. Sorry. 1106 00:50:41,563 --> 00:50:42,810 So? 1107 00:50:42,811 --> 00:50:43,834 Hey, um, Glenn, 1108 00:50:43,835 --> 00:50:45,434 Would you mind sitting and spotting me 1109 00:50:45,435 --> 00:50:46,458 While I do some reps? 1110 00:50:46,459 --> 00:50:48,859 Oh, wow, Duane, that sounds really nice, 1111 00:50:48,860 --> 00:50:51,803 But I don't think it's such a great idea. 1112 00:50:51,804 --> 00:50:53,371 I'm kind of with Big Buster. 1113 00:50:53,372 --> 00:50:55,548 He--he rapes me every night. 1114 00:50:55,549 --> 00:50:57,020 Right, right. 1115 00:50:57,021 --> 00:50:58,428 He ass-rapes you, huh? 1116 00:50:58,429 --> 00:50:59,517 Yep. 1117 00:50:59,518 --> 00:51:02,525 Wow, just my luck. 1118 00:51:02,526 --> 00:51:04,382 Should have known you'd be taken. 1119 00:51:08,320 --> 00:51:12,639 But we can just do one set, huh? 1120 00:51:12,640 --> 00:51:14,399 You know what? What the hell, right? 1121 00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:16,384 It's just two people enjoying each other's company, 1122 00:51:16,384 --> 00:51:17,472 Juicing their pecs. 1123 00:51:17,473 --> 00:51:19,041 Yeah, come on. No harm in that. 1124 00:51:19,041 --> 00:51:20,032 Right? 1125 00:51:20,033 --> 00:51:21,153 I could always use a spotter. 1126 00:51:21,154 --> 00:51:22,305 Who can't? 1127 00:51:22,306 --> 00:51:24,065 I mean, I think safety first, even in here. 1128 00:51:24,066 --> 00:51:25,537 there you go. 1129 00:51:25,538 --> 00:51:26,977 Three more, Duane? 1130 00:51:26,978 --> 00:51:28,930 Feel the burn. Feel the burn. 1131 00:51:28,931 --> 00:51:30,498 Feel the burn, Duane. 1132 00:51:30,499 --> 00:51:32,579 Oh, oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1133 00:51:32,580 --> 00:51:33,923 Break it up. 1134 00:51:40,549 --> 00:51:42,532 That was interesting. 1135 00:51:42,533 --> 00:51:44,164 I'd say. Yikes. 1136 00:51:46,054 --> 00:51:47,140 Hey, listen, 1137 00:51:47,141 --> 00:51:49,477 I know your ass belongs to Big Buster, 1138 00:51:49,478 --> 00:51:53,446 And I totally-- totally respect that, 1139 00:51:53,447 --> 00:51:56,262 But you and I, we think so much alike. 1140 00:51:56,263 --> 00:51:57,991 You know, like that time that guy got stabbed. 1141 00:51:57,992 --> 00:51:59,367 And I said, "that was interesting," 1142 00:51:59,368 --> 00:52:00,455 And you said, "I'd say." 1143 00:52:00,456 --> 00:52:02,119 Then you said, "yikes." yikes. 1144 00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:04,712 Those are the kind of moment I'm talking about. 1145 00:52:04,713 --> 00:52:06,920 Sometimes I wonder 1146 00:52:06,921 --> 00:52:08,488 What it would be like if I were the one 1147 00:52:08,489 --> 00:52:10,440 Who were ass-raping you every night. 1148 00:52:13,322 --> 00:52:15,305 You know, I think you're feeling 1149 00:52:15,306 --> 00:52:17,417 The energy of our friendship, 1150 00:52:17,418 --> 00:52:18,666 And you're projecting it 1151 00:52:18,667 --> 00:52:20,074 Into something else that isn't there. 1152 00:52:20,075 --> 00:52:25,292 No, Glenn, I'm not-- 1153 00:52:25,292 --> 00:52:26,604 I'm not projecting. 1154 00:52:26,605 --> 00:52:29,004 I can't look at you 1155 00:52:29,005 --> 00:52:30,060 Without fantasizing 1156 00:52:30,061 --> 00:52:31,724 About shoving you up against a wall 1157 00:52:31,725 --> 00:52:33,869 In the laundry room 1158 00:52:33,870 --> 00:52:37,070 And punching you in the mouth 1159 00:52:37,070 --> 00:52:39,950 And then raping you 1160 00:52:39,951 --> 00:52:42,190 Without your consent, of course. 1161 00:52:42,191 --> 00:52:44,847 Hey, that's what makes it rape, right? 1162 00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:48,463 That's what makes it rape. 1163 00:52:52,721 --> 00:52:54,384 Look, Duane. I hear you. 1164 00:52:54,385 --> 00:52:55,921 But? 1165 00:52:55,922 --> 00:53:00,465 But I--I can't just shift gears. 1166 00:53:00,466 --> 00:53:02,738 It's not that simple. 1167 00:53:06,643 --> 00:53:07,762 I think I'm done working out. 1168 00:53:07,763 --> 00:53:09,490 Duane, don't be that guy-- 1169 00:53:09,491 --> 00:53:12,659 No. Glenn, I can't. 1170 00:53:12,660 --> 00:53:15,412 I got nothing left. 1171 00:53:15,413 --> 00:53:17,940 See you around. 1172 00:53:17,941 --> 00:53:18,836 Duane. 1173 00:53:29,271 --> 00:53:31,574 what the fuck do you think you're doing? 1174 00:53:31,575 --> 00:53:33,430 Ahh! 1175 00:53:44,953 --> 00:53:46,072 okay, Doctor. 1176 00:53:46,073 --> 00:53:48,857 It's that time of the night. 1177 00:53:55,195 --> 00:53:57,211 Buster, we need to talk. 1178 00:53:57,212 --> 00:53:59,098 Oh, no. 1179 00:53:59,099 --> 00:54:01,723 No, don't tell me. 1180 00:54:05,053 --> 00:54:08,316 Duane--wow. 1181 00:54:08,317 --> 00:54:09,981 I thought this would be easier. 1182 00:54:09,981 --> 00:54:11,773 Duane Rosenblum wants me to be his bitch, 1183 00:54:11,774 --> 00:54:14,398 And I'm not sure I don't want to not 1184 00:54:14,399 --> 00:54:17,118 Not be his bitch. 1185 00:54:17,119 --> 00:54:18,622 Tell me this is a goof. 1186 00:54:18,623 --> 00:54:20,926 No, not this time. 1187 00:54:23,072 --> 00:54:25,375 You and I have been going through the motions lately. 1188 00:54:25,376 --> 00:54:26,720 We both know that. 1189 00:54:26,720 --> 00:54:30,144 At this point, we're more cell mates than anything else. 1190 00:54:32,769 --> 00:54:37,409 I knew this day would come. 1191 00:54:37,410 --> 00:54:38,817 Glenn, listen to me. 1192 00:54:38,818 --> 00:54:42,338 You have to do what you have to do. 1193 00:54:42,339 --> 00:54:44,386 As long as you're getting ass-raped 1194 00:54:44,387 --> 00:54:47,843 Against your will by someone, anyone, 1195 00:54:47,844 --> 00:54:51,875 Every night, 1196 00:54:51,876 --> 00:54:53,700 Then that's all that matters. 1197 00:54:53,701 --> 00:54:55,556 Really? 1198 00:55:03,238 --> 00:55:06,342 Nothing. 1199 00:55:06,343 --> 00:55:08,519 Go on. 1200 00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:09,639 Get out of here. 1201 00:55:11,367 --> 00:55:12,615 Go on! 1202 00:55:22,185 --> 00:55:25,706 Hey, you busy? 1203 00:55:25,706 --> 00:55:28,138 No. 1204 00:55:28,139 --> 00:55:30,058 I was gonna fold this piece of paper for a while, 1205 00:55:30,059 --> 00:55:34,251 But I can do that later. 1206 00:55:34,252 --> 00:55:35,467 What's up? 1207 00:55:35,468 --> 00:55:38,955 Well, I just talked to big buster, and... 1208 00:55:38,956 --> 00:55:40,779 Looks like I'm back on the market. 1209 00:55:40,780 --> 00:55:43,308 Glenn. 1210 00:55:44,654 --> 00:55:45,996 This is wonderful! 1211 00:55:48,238 --> 00:55:50,414 You know what this means, don't you? 1212 00:55:50,414 --> 00:55:52,974 Yes. 1213 00:55:52,975 --> 00:55:55,054 I do. 1214 00:55:57,136 --> 00:55:58,607 ow, ow, ow, ow. 1215 00:56:03,824 --> 00:56:05,328 What's the matter, you baby? 1216 00:56:11,122 --> 00:56:13,009 The King's a beggar. 1217 00:56:13,010 --> 00:56:15,474 Now the play is done. 1218 00:56:15,475 --> 00:56:19,026 All is well ended if this suit be won. 1219 00:56:19,027 --> 00:56:22,515 That you express content, which we will pay 1220 00:56:22,516 --> 00:56:27,060 With strife to please you, day exceeding day. 1221 00:56:27,061 --> 00:56:29,395 Ours be your patience then 1222 00:56:29,396 --> 00:56:32,213 And yours our parts. 1223 00:56:32,214 --> 00:56:38,805 Your gentle hands lend us and take our hearts. 1224 00:56:38,806 --> 00:56:41,942 All's well that ends well. 1225 00:56:41,943 --> 00:56:43,030 fucking baby. 1226 00:56:45,912 --> 00:56:47,671 Lights out! 1227 00:56:54,553 --> 00:56:56,825 Hi, honey bunny, boozie, boozie, 1228 00:56:56,826 --> 00:56:58,808 Boozie pumpkin butt! 1229 00:56:58,809 --> 00:57:00,793 Mwah! 1230 00:57:00,794 --> 00:57:01,786 Have you been drinking? 1231 00:57:01,787 --> 00:57:05,081 No, just a little tequila. 1232 00:57:07,227 --> 00:57:09,243 Oh, I know this bouncer at Club Stingo, 1233 00:57:09,243 --> 00:57:10,875 And I think we should really go tonight. 1234 00:57:10,876 --> 00:57:12,059 I had an idea. 1235 00:57:12,060 --> 00:57:13,660 How about you and I, we stay in. 1236 00:57:13,661 --> 00:57:15,195 We can read from that book of Kierkegaard 1237 00:57:15,196 --> 00:57:16,188 That I bought you. 1238 00:57:16,189 --> 00:57:18,652 No. Don't be such a pooper. 1239 00:57:18,653 --> 00:57:19,644 I want to go out. 1240 00:57:19,645 --> 00:57:21,725 I want to party 24-7, baby. 1241 00:57:21,726 --> 00:57:23,005 Whoo! 1242 00:57:25,535 --> 00:57:27,677 You still love me, don't you, Daddy? 1243 00:57:27,678 --> 00:57:29,022 I mean, you don't regret 1244 00:57:29,023 --> 00:57:30,814 Leaving Gretchen for me, do you? 1245 00:57:30,815 --> 00:57:32,447 Of--of course not. 1246 00:57:32,447 --> 00:57:33,407 Yay! 1247 00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:35,711 Will you buy me a pony? 1248 00:57:35,712 --> 00:57:37,312 Oh, man. 1249 00:57:37,313 --> 00:57:38,912 Oh, man. 1250 00:57:38,912 --> 00:57:41,792 I don't know. I-- 1251 00:57:41,793 --> 00:57:44,864 ♪ who am I, ♪ 1252 00:57:44,865 --> 00:57:48,193 ♪ and where do I go ♪ 1253 00:57:48,194 --> 00:57:56,707 ♪ from here? ♪ 1254 00:58:04,612 --> 00:58:06,948 Hey! Table for two? 1255 00:58:06,949 --> 00:58:07,940 yes, please. 1256 00:58:07,941 --> 00:58:10,116 Right here. 1257 00:58:10,117 --> 00:58:11,205 Have fun, you guys. 1258 00:58:11,206 --> 00:58:12,165 Thanks. Thank you. 1259 00:58:12,166 --> 00:58:14,181 Hey! 1260 00:58:14,182 --> 00:58:15,493 Table for two? 1261 00:58:15,494 --> 00:58:19,494 Louis, you may be the host 1262 00:58:19,495 --> 00:58:21,702 Of the La Fonda list on channel three... 1263 00:58:21,703 --> 00:58:23,110 And you may be Kelly, 1264 00:58:23,111 --> 00:58:24,968 The former girlfriend of Stephen Montgomery, 1265 00:58:24,968 --> 00:58:26,888 That guy who's still stuck in the ground... 1266 00:58:26,889 --> 00:58:30,056 But tonight, we are the two happiest newlyweds 1267 00:58:30,057 --> 00:58:31,176 In the entire world, 1268 00:58:31,177 --> 00:58:32,808 And I couldn't love you more. 1269 00:58:34,922 --> 00:58:36,105 ladies and gentlemen, 1270 00:58:36,106 --> 00:58:38,058 Please welcome Harlan Swallow 1271 00:58:38,059 --> 00:58:41,386 And his better half, Gary. 1272 00:58:43,211 --> 00:58:44,490 well, thank you. 1273 00:58:44,491 --> 00:58:45,962 Howdy, folks. I'm Harlan Swallow. 1274 00:58:45,963 --> 00:58:47,531 And I'm Gary, and I quit. 1275 00:58:49,004 --> 00:58:50,923 Gary-- hang on tight. I have your hand up my ass. 1276 00:58:53,101 --> 00:58:54,124 Oh, somebody's a cheap date. 1277 00:58:54,125 --> 00:58:55,372 Gary, leave the nice lady alone. 1278 00:58:55,373 --> 00:58:56,812 Fuck you. What's your name there, honey? 1279 00:58:56,813 --> 00:58:58,380 Me? 1280 00:58:58,381 --> 00:59:00,429 Of course I'm talking to you. 1281 00:59:00,430 --> 00:59:01,485 I'm not talking to your boyfriend. 1282 00:59:01,486 --> 00:59:02,573 My name's Kelly. 1283 00:59:02,574 --> 00:59:03,533 Kelly, ooh. 1284 00:59:03,534 --> 00:59:04,845 Gary. Shh. 1285 00:59:04,846 --> 00:59:06,670 Hey, Kelly, why don't you meet me after the show, 1286 00:59:06,671 --> 00:59:08,206 And I'll show you my hard wooden dick. 1287 00:59:08,207 --> 00:59:09,294 Oh, my god! 1288 00:59:09,295 --> 00:59:10,479 This guy is so offensive. 1289 00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:11,631 He's not funny at all. 1290 00:59:11,632 --> 00:59:13,711 Shh! I want to hear what Gary's gonna say next. 1291 00:59:13,712 --> 00:59:15,088 Hey, asshole, when do I get paid 1292 00:59:15,089 --> 00:59:16,752 So I can blow this juke joint? 1293 00:59:18,065 --> 00:59:22,705 He said "juke joint." 1294 00:59:22,706 --> 00:59:24,017 Oh, my god. 1295 00:59:25,363 --> 00:59:27,282 I think he was kidding about you coming backstage. 1296 00:59:27,283 --> 00:59:28,562 I think it was just part of the act. 1297 00:59:28,562 --> 00:59:30,930 Louis, can you shut up for one second? 1298 00:59:30,931 --> 00:59:32,818 Honey, I just think it's our honeymoon. 1299 00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:34,451 I would love to get some champagne 1300 00:59:34,452 --> 00:59:35,731 And go back to the room. 1301 00:59:35,732 --> 00:59:37,491 Ew, Louis. Please. 1302 00:59:37,492 --> 00:59:39,923 I just ate a turkey burger. 1303 00:59:41,461 --> 00:59:42,772 Oh, hey, folks. 1304 00:59:42,773 --> 00:59:43,732 Hi. We loved the show. 1305 00:59:43,733 --> 00:59:45,236 Oh, thanks. 1306 00:59:45,237 --> 00:59:47,061 Can I talk to Gary? 1307 00:59:47,062 --> 00:59:48,597 Um... 1308 00:59:48,598 --> 00:59:49,557 Sure. 1309 00:59:49,558 --> 00:59:51,093 Okay. 1310 00:59:52,343 --> 00:59:53,238 God damn it. 1311 00:59:55,415 --> 00:59:56,887 Hey, there, baby cakes. 1312 00:59:56,888 --> 00:59:58,774 Glad you liked the show. 1313 00:59:58,775 --> 00:59:59,863 Why don't you get rid of the deadweight 1314 00:59:59,864 --> 01:00:01,431 So we can really talk, huh? 1315 01:00:01,432 --> 01:00:04,791 Are you gonna show me your hard wooden dick 1316 01:00:04,792 --> 01:00:06,104 Like you said you would? 1317 01:00:08,633 --> 01:00:10,040 Yeah, I--I got to go home now. 1318 01:00:10,041 --> 01:00:11,513 Well, wait. What about you, Gary? 1319 01:00:11,514 --> 01:00:12,633 You want to come out with us? 1320 01:00:12,634 --> 01:00:13,881 Honey, I think-- 1321 01:00:13,882 --> 01:00:16,474 I will smack you in the face. 1322 01:00:16,475 --> 01:00:18,522 What do you say, Gary? 1323 01:00:18,523 --> 01:00:19,994 Want to throw back a few? 1324 01:00:19,995 --> 01:00:21,018 He's a little tired. 1325 01:00:21,019 --> 01:00:22,555 We're gonna say good night now. 1326 01:00:22,556 --> 01:00:25,915 Oh, are you two homo? 1327 01:00:27,517 --> 01:00:29,948 Okay, no, I'm not gay. I date women. 1328 01:00:29,949 --> 01:00:31,965 And Gary isn't gay, because he's a wooden puppet 1329 01:00:31,966 --> 01:00:33,244 That I ordered from a company 1330 01:00:33,245 --> 01:00:34,460 In Chicago, okay? 1331 01:00:34,461 --> 01:00:35,741 Good night. 1332 01:00:39,295 --> 01:00:40,413 Kelly, let's-- 1333 01:00:42,495 --> 01:00:44,382 Come on. Sweetie, it's over. 1334 01:00:44,383 --> 01:00:45,951 Let's just-- 1335 01:00:51,840 --> 01:00:54,944 You know, I was really hoping to lose my virginity tonight. 1336 01:00:54,945 --> 01:00:56,992 Yeah, well, I got to go for a walk. 1337 01:00:56,993 --> 01:00:57,952 Oh, really? 1338 01:00:57,953 --> 01:00:59,649 Because I could come... 1339 01:00:59,650 --> 01:01:02,434 With you. 1340 01:01:03,555 --> 01:01:04,706 Just come with you. 1341 01:01:18,757 --> 01:01:19,716 Hi, there. 1342 01:01:19,717 --> 01:01:20,964 Oh, god, 1343 01:01:20,965 --> 01:01:22,629 I've been thinking about you all night. 1344 01:01:24,230 --> 01:01:25,734 I even rubbed one out in the bathroom 1345 01:01:25,734 --> 01:01:27,109 When my husband was buying condoms. 1346 01:01:28,551 --> 01:01:30,790 I wouldn't make you wear one, though. 1347 01:01:42,409 --> 01:01:44,233 Come on, Gary. 1348 01:01:44,234 --> 01:01:46,697 Let's blow this juke joint. 1349 01:01:48,746 --> 01:01:51,017 You're being coy, aren't you? 1350 01:02:00,844 --> 01:02:02,732 Hi. 1351 01:02:09,581 --> 01:02:16,878 ♪ give me love. ♪ 1352 01:02:16,879 --> 01:02:17,838 ♪ forgive me, love. ♪ 1353 01:02:17,839 --> 01:02:18,958 room, please? 1354 01:02:18,959 --> 01:02:21,390 ♪ don't leave me, love, ♪ 1355 01:02:21,391 --> 01:02:23,151 ♪ leave me here to... ♪ 1356 01:02:24,208 --> 01:02:26,640 ♪ brave the winds of age ♪ 1357 01:02:26,641 --> 01:02:30,960 ♪ without you by my side. ♪ 1358 01:02:30,961 --> 01:02:33,168 ♪ forgive me, love. ♪ 1359 01:02:33,169 --> 01:02:35,345 ♪ don't leave me, love. ♪ 1360 01:02:35,346 --> 01:02:38,129 ♪ I'm just a fool. ♪ 1361 01:02:38,130 --> 01:02:42,546 ♪ burn the bed we made with ignorance and pride. ♪ 1362 01:02:42,547 --> 01:02:44,019 So you say the last time you saw this guy 1363 01:02:44,020 --> 01:02:44,979 Was about 11:00 p.M.? 1364 01:02:44,980 --> 01:02:45,939 That's right. 1365 01:02:45,940 --> 01:02:47,091 Got it. 1366 01:02:47,092 --> 01:02:48,499 All right. 1367 01:02:48,500 --> 01:02:49,780 I think you should call the cops. 1368 01:02:52,085 --> 01:02:54,324 Oh, come on. 1369 01:03:30,779 --> 01:03:33,595 stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 1370 01:03:33,596 --> 01:03:36,988 We should probably call the cops. 1371 01:03:36,989 --> 01:03:37,883 Wait. 1372 01:03:40,892 --> 01:03:44,188 I don't love you anymore, Louis. 1373 01:03:44,189 --> 01:03:45,596 I'm sorry. 1374 01:03:45,597 --> 01:03:47,100 I thought I did, but I don't. 1375 01:03:47,101 --> 01:03:50,557 I haven't been happy in a long time. 1376 01:03:50,558 --> 01:03:52,350 We're still doing the same old jokes. 1377 01:03:52,351 --> 01:03:54,398 I don't even know what's funny anymore. 1378 01:03:54,399 --> 01:03:55,998 Yes, you were there for me 1379 01:03:55,999 --> 01:03:58,239 When my fiance was embedded in the ground-- 1380 01:03:58,240 --> 01:03:59,711 Still is. 1381 01:03:59,712 --> 01:04:00,671 And still is. 1382 01:04:00,672 --> 01:04:02,175 You say you want a girlfriend. 1383 01:04:02,176 --> 01:04:05,600 When was the last time you had a date? 1384 01:04:05,601 --> 01:04:07,457 Rebecca, the hostess, 1385 01:04:07,458 --> 01:04:10,465 She is dying to go out with you. 1386 01:04:10,466 --> 01:04:12,161 How many signals do you need? 1387 01:04:12,162 --> 01:04:14,689 So our marriage is over? 1388 01:04:22,979 --> 01:04:23,971 It's okay. 1389 01:04:26,820 --> 01:04:30,212 Maybe you're right. 1390 01:04:30,213 --> 01:04:32,580 I know I'm right, buddy. 1391 01:04:33,734 --> 01:04:37,285 ♪ mama loves her little baby boy. ♪ 1392 01:04:37,286 --> 01:04:40,869 I think I should get in touch with my sister. 1393 01:04:40,870 --> 01:04:43,302 I'm sure she'd love to hear from you. 1394 01:04:44,615 --> 01:04:48,167 ♪ hold her, boxed in. ♪ 1395 01:04:48,168 --> 01:04:52,072 ♪ troubled and human. ♪ 1396 01:04:52,073 --> 01:04:59,561 ♪ help me lose this uneasy injustice. ♪ 1397 01:04:59,562 --> 01:05:03,690 ♪ I'm fine. I'm found. I'm on my own. ♪ 1398 01:05:06,987 --> 01:05:09,803 ♪ I climb this mountain all alone. ♪ 1399 01:05:09,804 --> 01:05:12,011 God, this so crazy. 1400 01:05:13,516 --> 01:05:15,276 I've never felt so alive. 1401 01:05:15,277 --> 01:05:20,941 ♪ in this prison we call home. ♪ 1402 01:06:06,357 --> 01:06:09,172 Jeff, wha--what are you doing here? 1403 01:06:09,173 --> 01:06:10,676 Gretchen. 1404 01:06:10,677 --> 01:06:12,694 Hey, I--I was in the neighborhood. 1405 01:06:12,695 --> 01:06:15,766 I thought I'd come by and take a shit. 1406 01:06:15,767 --> 01:06:17,302 You know, it's not really a good time. 1407 01:06:17,303 --> 01:06:18,518 Why don't you come by tomorrow? 1408 01:06:18,519 --> 01:06:20,630 Can I come in just for five minutes? 1409 01:06:20,631 --> 01:06:22,135 Tomorrow, I might not need to shit. 1410 01:06:22,136 --> 01:06:24,471 Gretchen, who's at the door? 1411 01:06:24,472 --> 01:06:26,647 Oh, Jeff, 1412 01:06:26,648 --> 01:06:30,104 You know newsman Jim Stansel. 1413 01:06:30,105 --> 01:06:31,608 So are you and Jim-- 1414 01:06:31,609 --> 01:06:33,336 Yeah, yeah. 1415 01:06:33,337 --> 01:06:34,361 Yeah. 1416 01:06:34,362 --> 01:06:36,185 How's--how's Liz? 1417 01:06:36,186 --> 01:06:38,073 Good, good. 1418 01:06:38,074 --> 01:06:39,737 We're looking for a new pony, actually. 1419 01:06:39,738 --> 01:06:44,315 Oh, a pony can be delightful. 1420 01:06:44,316 --> 01:06:45,562 Listen, Jeff. 1421 01:06:45,563 --> 01:06:47,099 Like I said, this is really not a good time 1422 01:06:47,100 --> 01:06:48,123 For you to take a shit. 1423 01:06:48,124 --> 01:06:49,884 No worries. 1424 01:06:49,885 --> 01:06:51,292 It's good to see you, Gretchen. 1425 01:06:51,293 --> 01:06:53,404 You look great. 1426 01:06:53,405 --> 01:06:54,684 You always look great. 1427 01:06:54,685 --> 01:06:57,372 You look tired. 1428 01:06:57,373 --> 01:06:58,492 Are you taking your fish oil? 1429 01:06:58,493 --> 01:06:59,613 Gretchen, god damn it. 1430 01:06:59,614 --> 01:07:00,957 Could I talk to you for five seconds 1431 01:07:00,958 --> 01:07:02,910 Without you hammering me about my goddamn fish oil? 1432 01:07:02,911 --> 01:07:04,670 Fine! Ruin your fucking skin. 1433 01:07:04,671 --> 01:07:06,846 I'm getting my Omega 3 fatty acids, okay? 1434 01:07:06,847 --> 01:07:08,766 I'm just not taking it in the form of fish oil. 1435 01:07:08,767 --> 01:07:11,007 This is why. 1436 01:07:11,008 --> 01:07:13,951 Yeah, this is why. 1437 01:07:13,952 --> 01:07:16,736 Have a good life, Jeff. 1438 01:07:16,736 --> 01:07:18,593 You too, Gretchen. 1439 01:07:24,098 --> 01:07:25,953 You too. 1440 01:07:29,475 --> 01:07:31,394 Here's the, uh-- 1441 01:08:08,937 --> 01:08:10,761 Hey, new guy's awake. 1442 01:08:10,761 --> 01:08:12,329 What a night. My head is throbbing. 1443 01:08:12,330 --> 01:08:15,594 I'm definitely gonna need some more heroin. 1444 01:08:15,595 --> 01:08:17,994 I know what you need, kid. 1445 01:08:17,995 --> 01:08:20,299 You need a lying Rhino. 1446 01:08:21,900 --> 01:08:23,211 Looks just like the regular shit. 1447 01:08:23,212 --> 01:08:24,683 Why do you call it "lying Rhino?" 1448 01:08:25,868 --> 01:08:27,404 That's a good question. 1449 01:08:27,405 --> 01:08:29,932 And there is a story, my friend. 1450 01:08:29,933 --> 01:08:33,485 The lying Rhino truly existed-- 1451 01:08:33,486 --> 01:08:34,477 and he was a liar. 1452 01:08:34,478 --> 01:08:35,629 hold on a second. 1453 01:08:35,630 --> 01:08:37,485 Before he was a liar, he was living 1454 01:08:37,486 --> 01:08:39,598 On the lower east side of New York City. 1455 01:08:39,599 --> 01:08:40,973 no, no. 1456 01:08:40,974 --> 01:08:42,958 The story starts way before he moved to New York. 1457 01:08:42,959 --> 01:08:44,878 are you gonna tell the story, or am I? 1458 01:08:44,879 --> 01:08:46,607 tell the story. Who's stopping you? 1459 01:08:46,608 --> 01:08:48,367 the first lying Rhino story 1460 01:08:48,368 --> 01:08:50,287 Was how he dropped out of high school. 1461 01:08:50,288 --> 01:08:53,520 Now he's working as a locksmith in Washington, D.C. 1462 01:08:53,521 --> 01:08:55,504 Suffice it to say, he wasn't the greatest locksmith. 1463 01:08:55,505 --> 01:08:57,073 he was terrible. 1464 01:08:57,074 --> 01:08:59,665 primarily because he didn't have any fingers. 1465 01:08:59,666 --> 01:09:01,265 You want your fucking door open? 1466 01:09:01,266 --> 01:09:02,705 Here. 1467 01:09:02,706 --> 01:09:04,594 You'll pay for that, Rhino! 1468 01:09:06,707 --> 01:09:08,818 so that's why they call this the lying Rhino? 1469 01:09:08,819 --> 01:09:10,835 oh, no, no, there's more to the story. 1470 01:09:10,836 --> 01:09:12,115 A few years later, 1471 01:09:12,116 --> 01:09:14,324 The Rhino was working as a street hustler. 1472 01:09:14,325 --> 01:09:15,443 Give me a second, huh? 1473 01:09:15,444 --> 01:09:17,044 I don't have all night. 1474 01:09:17,045 --> 01:09:18,356 Does that thing work or what? 1475 01:09:18,357 --> 01:09:21,397 Stop talking to me and let me concentrate. 1476 01:09:21,398 --> 01:09:22,997 You know what? Forget it. 1477 01:09:22,998 --> 01:09:24,021 Forget it. Forget this. 1478 01:09:25,302 --> 01:09:26,357 God, what is with people? 1479 01:09:26,358 --> 01:09:28,854 this guy couldn't keep a job. 1480 01:09:28,855 --> 01:09:30,614 Then one night, he gets a gig 1481 01:09:30,615 --> 01:09:33,559 Playing piano in a poolside jazz band. 1482 01:09:36,728 --> 01:09:38,007 Take it, Rhino. 1483 01:09:38,008 --> 01:09:39,416 And two, three, four. 1484 01:09:40,633 --> 01:09:42,168 You're fired! 1485 01:09:42,169 --> 01:09:43,192 What? 1486 01:09:43,193 --> 01:09:44,568 'cause I feel passion for this? 1487 01:09:47,129 --> 01:09:49,081 oh! 1488 01:09:55,099 --> 01:09:56,730 you see that bee over there? 1489 01:09:56,731 --> 01:09:58,075 Yeah. 1490 01:09:58,076 --> 01:09:59,643 You know what I heard? 1491 01:09:59,644 --> 01:10:01,243 He's a card-carrying member 1492 01:10:01,244 --> 01:10:05,180 Of the organization for white racial purity. 1493 01:10:05,181 --> 01:10:07,933 Yeah, he's a white supremist. 1494 01:10:07,934 --> 01:10:09,180 Yeah? 1495 01:10:09,181 --> 01:10:10,237 I shit you not. 1496 01:10:10,238 --> 01:10:12,221 Hey, guess what I hear about the bee. 1497 01:10:12,222 --> 01:10:13,661 I hear he's a white supremist. 1498 01:10:14,622 --> 01:10:17,790 I heard what you been saying. 1499 01:10:17,791 --> 01:10:19,967 Oh, my wing! Hey! Ow. 1500 01:10:19,968 --> 01:10:22,399 the Rhino finally found something he was good at: 1501 01:10:22,400 --> 01:10:24,320 Spreading lies. 1502 01:10:25,408 --> 01:10:28,000 Hey, I hear she sucked some guy's balls 1503 01:10:28,001 --> 01:10:29,312 At her bachelorette party. 1504 01:10:29,313 --> 01:10:30,272 Oh! 1505 01:10:30,273 --> 01:10:31,360 Did you hear about mama owl? 1506 01:10:31,361 --> 01:10:33,697 She's on meds for her busted cervix. 1507 01:10:33,698 --> 01:10:34,784 I'd stay away 1508 01:10:34,785 --> 01:10:36,353 From saint Geraldine's nursery school. 1509 01:10:36,354 --> 01:10:39,554 Word is the principal there likes to fuck all the kids. 1510 01:10:39,554 --> 01:10:41,186 Rhino was on top of the world. 1511 01:10:41,187 --> 01:10:42,915 Hey, Rhino, baby, give me some dirt. 1512 01:10:42,916 --> 01:10:43,906 Yo, Rhino, what's up? 1513 01:10:43,907 --> 01:10:45,314 I heard you got some new moves. 1514 01:10:45,315 --> 01:10:47,139 Uh, I was wondering if you had anything 1515 01:10:47,140 --> 01:10:48,227 You'd like to tell me. 1516 01:10:48,228 --> 01:10:49,539 but it wasn't long 1517 01:10:49,540 --> 01:10:52,260 Before everyone caught on to his lies. 1518 01:10:52,261 --> 01:10:53,348 Get out of here, Rhino. 1519 01:10:53,349 --> 01:10:55,012 Hey, talk to somebody who cares. 1520 01:10:55,013 --> 01:10:56,549 Liar, liar. 1521 01:10:56,550 --> 01:10:58,180 Get the fuck out of here! 1522 01:10:58,181 --> 01:11:00,389 Hey, Darrell, my man. 1523 01:11:00,390 --> 01:11:02,053 Did you hear what happened to the lizard? 1524 01:11:02,054 --> 01:11:04,166 Did you hear what happened to your face? 1525 01:11:04,167 --> 01:11:05,190 Ow! 1526 01:11:05,191 --> 01:11:06,470 Oh! 1527 01:11:06,471 --> 01:11:07,527 Oof! 1528 01:11:09,992 --> 01:11:11,847 Splat! 1529 01:11:11,848 --> 01:11:14,663 so one day, he's out collecting VHS tapes, 1530 01:11:14,664 --> 01:11:15,944 And he hears something: 1531 01:11:15,945 --> 01:11:18,632 Weiner dogs, evil weiner dogs. 1532 01:11:18,633 --> 01:11:21,321 And they're all secretly infecting themselves 1533 01:11:21,322 --> 01:11:24,393 With a deadly sexually transmitted disease. 1534 01:11:24,394 --> 01:11:26,057 And they're planning to start an orgy 1535 01:11:26,058 --> 01:11:27,818 And infect the whole town. 1536 01:11:27,819 --> 01:11:31,210 so the Rhino wants to warn everybody. 1537 01:11:31,211 --> 01:11:32,618 Wait a minute. 1538 01:11:32,619 --> 01:11:34,347 Why don't these weiner dogs die from the deadly disease? 1539 01:11:37,228 --> 01:11:38,475 They're immune to it. 1540 01:11:38,476 --> 01:11:42,284 Everybody, do not have sex with the weiner dogs. 1541 01:11:42,285 --> 01:11:45,196 They're planning a deadly weiner dog sex orgy. 1542 01:11:45,197 --> 01:11:46,221 Come on. 1543 01:11:46,222 --> 01:11:47,277 You never tell the truth. 1544 01:11:47,278 --> 01:11:48,237 You always lie. 1545 01:11:48,238 --> 01:11:49,837 Why should we believe you? 1546 01:11:49,838 --> 01:11:51,597 Hey, hey, hey, everybody. 1547 01:11:51,598 --> 01:11:53,358 Let's have sex with each other. 1548 01:11:53,359 --> 01:11:54,894 Hmm, I don't know. 1549 01:11:54,895 --> 01:11:57,711 Who you gonna believe, Rhino or weiner dog? 1550 01:12:27,028 --> 01:12:28,436 so what happened to him? 1551 01:12:28,437 --> 01:12:31,284 he moved back to Portland, lost a lot of weight, 1552 01:12:31,285 --> 01:12:33,460 Started wearing these terrible short shorts, 1553 01:12:33,461 --> 01:12:34,997 And eventually started dealing heroin. 1554 01:12:34,998 --> 01:12:36,341 Thanks, man. 1555 01:12:36,342 --> 01:12:38,390 so why do you call the stuff "lying Rhino?" 1556 01:12:38,391 --> 01:12:40,117 Because he delivers it here 1557 01:12:40,118 --> 01:12:41,526 Every day. 1558 01:12:41,527 --> 01:12:42,487 Gentlemen. 1559 01:12:42,487 --> 01:12:43,447 Rhino! 1560 01:12:45,175 --> 01:12:46,167 Later on, my friends. 1561 01:12:46,168 --> 01:12:47,415 That's the Rhino? 1562 01:12:51,352 --> 01:12:53,144 this is the place. 1563 01:12:53,145 --> 01:12:55,000 Not much to look at. 1564 01:12:55,001 --> 01:12:56,792 What you see is what you get. 1565 01:12:56,793 --> 01:12:58,777 Well, what do you expect for $850 a month, 1566 01:12:58,778 --> 01:13:01,145 The inner-- 1567 01:13:01,146 --> 01:13:02,906 What you see is what you get. 1568 01:13:02,907 --> 01:13:04,954 Well, what do you expect for $850 a month, 1569 01:13:04,955 --> 01:13:07,002 The International Space Station Mir out there 1570 01:13:07,003 --> 01:13:09,467 Over there in outer space? 1571 01:13:09,468 --> 01:13:11,899 I'll take it, Mr.-- 1572 01:13:11,900 --> 01:13:13,851 Dalton, Timothy Dalton. 1573 01:13:13,852 --> 01:13:15,676 Like 007, right? 1574 01:13:15,677 --> 01:13:17,211 That's right. 1575 01:13:19,709 --> 01:13:21,501 Here's the keys. 1576 01:13:38,433 --> 01:13:40,320 Hey. 1577 01:13:40,321 --> 01:13:42,848 Hey. 1578 01:13:42,849 --> 01:13:43,808 No. 1579 01:13:43,809 --> 01:13:44,801 Come on. 1580 01:13:44,802 --> 01:13:46,113 Sorry. 1581 01:13:52,130 --> 01:13:54,114 how have you been? 1582 01:13:54,115 --> 01:13:57,250 We talked at the same time. 1583 01:13:57,251 --> 01:13:58,275 How's Liz doing? 1584 01:13:58,276 --> 01:14:00,067 Oh, we broke up. 1585 01:14:00,068 --> 01:14:01,220 She was too young. 1586 01:14:01,221 --> 01:14:03,044 How's Jim Stansel? 1587 01:14:03,045 --> 01:14:05,348 No, it didn't work out. 1588 01:14:05,349 --> 01:14:06,660 His penis was too big. 1589 01:14:06,661 --> 01:14:08,997 I mean, it was great for a while. 1590 01:14:08,998 --> 01:14:11,621 I mean, god, it was so great. 1591 01:14:11,622 --> 01:14:13,094 Sometimes I just think about him 1592 01:14:13,094 --> 01:14:15,493 And I--I have a little orgasm. 1593 01:14:15,494 --> 01:14:17,094 Oh. 1594 01:14:17,095 --> 01:14:18,534 Let me see. 1595 01:14:18,535 --> 01:14:19,622 No. 1596 01:14:19,623 --> 01:14:21,767 Oh, wait. 1597 01:14:21,768 --> 01:14:23,143 Yup, there we go. 1598 01:14:25,000 --> 01:14:27,656 But, you know, it didn't work out. 1599 01:14:27,657 --> 01:14:29,320 Anyway, where are you living? 1600 01:14:29,321 --> 01:14:30,952 Uh, I got this new place. 1601 01:14:30,953 --> 01:14:33,353 It's an empty black void with the stone tablets. 1602 01:14:33,354 --> 01:14:34,761 Right. Right. 1603 01:14:34,762 --> 01:14:36,457 Good to see you haven't changed. 1604 01:14:36,458 --> 01:14:40,810 Gretchen, I never got the chance to apologize 1605 01:14:40,811 --> 01:14:45,067 About the whole "go fly a kite" thing. 1606 01:14:45,067 --> 01:14:47,147 It was way out-of-bounds. 1607 01:14:47,148 --> 01:14:48,459 No one should ever say that to you, 1608 01:14:48,460 --> 01:14:51,211 Not after what happened with you 1609 01:14:51,212 --> 01:14:54,508 And the kite and your brother. 1610 01:14:54,509 --> 01:14:58,061 Thank you. 1611 01:14:58,062 --> 01:15:01,806 Would you maybe want to grab a cup of coffee? 1612 01:15:01,806 --> 01:15:04,110 Oh, I'd love to, but after Liz and I broke up, 1613 01:15:04,110 --> 01:15:05,294 I got married, 1614 01:15:05,295 --> 01:15:07,214 And I don't want to make the same mistake twice. 1615 01:15:07,215 --> 01:15:10,191 You know, adultery. 1616 01:15:10,192 --> 01:15:12,655 Oh, who are you married to? 1617 01:15:12,656 --> 01:15:14,288 Dianne Wiest. It's great. 1618 01:15:14,289 --> 01:15:15,440 Wow. 1619 01:15:15,441 --> 01:15:16,848 I loved her in bullets over Broadway. 1620 01:15:16,849 --> 01:15:18,768 Oh, yeah, she's really proud of that one. 1621 01:15:18,769 --> 01:15:21,073 And the Oscar didn't hurt either. 1622 01:15:21,074 --> 01:15:23,121 Plus, the residual checks come in handy. 1623 01:15:23,122 --> 01:15:24,914 It's like, "thanks, Woody," you know? 1624 01:15:24,915 --> 01:15:27,057 Right. 1625 01:15:27,058 --> 01:15:28,018 It was good to see you. 1626 01:15:28,019 --> 01:15:29,009 You too. 1627 01:15:29,010 --> 01:15:31,442 Yeah. 1628 01:15:46,774 --> 01:15:48,373 Oh, Gretchen, I love you so much. 1629 01:15:48,374 --> 01:15:49,333 I want you back. 1630 01:15:49,334 --> 01:15:50,774 Yes--oh, no. 1631 01:15:50,775 --> 01:15:51,861 What about Dianne Wiest? 1632 01:15:51,862 --> 01:15:53,974 Oh, fuck me. 1633 01:15:53,975 --> 01:15:58,263 I'm gonna call her and tell her it's over. 1634 01:15:59,352 --> 01:16:00,919 Dianne. 1635 01:16:00,920 --> 01:16:03,864 Hey, how are you? 1636 01:16:03,865 --> 01:16:04,984 What's that? 1637 01:16:04,985 --> 01:16:07,257 160 bucks? 1638 01:16:07,257 --> 01:16:08,440 Wow. 1639 01:16:08,441 --> 01:16:10,393 It's more like Hannah and her dollars. 1640 01:16:10,394 --> 01:16:12,697 I know. Terrible joke. 1641 01:16:12,698 --> 01:16:15,386 Look, I've got some bad news. 1642 01:16:15,387 --> 01:16:19,002 I ran into my ex-wife, Gretchen, and-- 1643 01:16:19,003 --> 01:16:22,459 Well, how do I put this? 1644 01:16:22,460 --> 01:16:26,043 Oh, Dianne. I'm so sorry. 1645 01:16:26,044 --> 01:16:27,291 Really? 1646 01:16:27,292 --> 01:16:30,588 Oh, I-- Dianne, you're great. 1647 01:16:30,589 --> 01:16:32,860 We gave it a good run. 1648 01:16:32,861 --> 01:16:36,061 So I'll have my lawyer send over the papers, okay? 1649 01:16:36,062 --> 01:16:37,757 Uh-huh. All right. 1650 01:16:37,758 --> 01:16:39,069 I will. 1651 01:16:39,070 --> 01:16:40,829 All right. Got to go. 1652 01:16:40,830 --> 01:16:41,886 Yeah, okay. 1653 01:16:41,887 --> 01:16:42,878 All right. Okay. 1654 01:16:42,879 --> 01:16:44,478 Yeah, got to go. 1655 01:16:44,479 --> 01:16:45,886 Dianne, I have to go. 1656 01:16:45,887 --> 01:16:47,231 Okay. 1657 01:16:47,232 --> 01:16:49,343 All right. Bye. 1658 01:16:49,344 --> 01:16:50,368 We're good. 1659 01:16:50,369 --> 01:16:51,264 Oh! 1660 01:17:03,043 --> 01:17:05,506 "if not now, when? 1661 01:17:05,507 --> 01:17:07,970 "if not me, who? 1662 01:17:07,971 --> 01:17:11,107 If not here, where?" 1663 01:17:14,340 --> 01:17:15,651 let's go, Oliver. 1664 01:17:15,652 --> 01:17:16,932 We're gonna be late for church. 1665 01:17:16,933 --> 01:17:19,012 The kids are already in the car. 1666 01:17:20,709 --> 01:17:22,405 Oh, god, Gloria. 1667 01:17:22,406 --> 01:17:23,685 I'm really sick. 1668 01:17:23,686 --> 01:17:26,629 I think I might have a touch of food poisoning. 1669 01:17:26,630 --> 01:17:28,037 You should just go ahead without me. 1670 01:17:28,038 --> 01:17:29,542 Okay. 1671 01:17:31,271 --> 01:17:32,422 Get some rest. 1672 01:17:32,423 --> 01:17:33,735 Okay. 1673 01:17:39,369 --> 01:17:41,032 You deserve an MTV Moon Man Award 1674 01:17:41,033 --> 01:17:42,664 For that performance. 1675 01:17:42,665 --> 01:17:45,416 Three hours to do anything I want. 1676 01:17:54,155 --> 01:17:56,171 Huh. 1677 01:17:56,172 --> 01:18:00,683 Well, I guess I could if I wanted. 1678 01:18:11,566 --> 01:18:12,653 Completely naked? 1679 01:18:12,654 --> 01:18:14,445 Totally nude, my friend. 1680 01:18:14,446 --> 01:18:15,789 The whole time they were at church? 1681 01:18:15,790 --> 01:18:16,814 All morning. 1682 01:18:16,815 --> 01:18:19,086 Most intriguing, Oliver. 1683 01:18:20,528 --> 01:18:21,902 So why don't you come by this Sunday? 1684 01:18:21,903 --> 01:18:22,862 We can be naked together. 1685 01:18:22,863 --> 01:18:23,887 What am I supposed to tell Jeanie? 1686 01:18:23,888 --> 01:18:24,943 Make up an excuse. 1687 01:18:24,944 --> 01:18:26,480 Already got mine lined up for this week. 1688 01:18:26,481 --> 01:18:27,440 What is it? 1689 01:18:27,441 --> 01:18:28,400 Bulimia. 1690 01:18:28,401 --> 01:18:29,616 Nice. 1691 01:18:29,617 --> 01:18:30,576 So is this a gay thing? 1692 01:18:30,577 --> 01:18:32,016 No. 1693 01:18:32,017 --> 01:18:33,297 No, man. 1694 01:18:33,298 --> 01:18:34,640 I'm straight as an arrow. 1695 01:18:34,641 --> 01:18:36,561 I mean, sure, I blew a few sailors in the '80s, 1696 01:18:36,562 --> 01:18:38,066 But that was the '80s. 1697 01:18:38,067 --> 01:18:39,634 I mean, I still can't for the life of me 1698 01:18:39,635 --> 01:18:41,298 Figure out how to solve that Rubik's cube. 1699 01:18:41,299 --> 01:18:42,867 No, this is just a couple straight guys 1700 01:18:42,868 --> 01:18:45,106 Skipping church to hang out naked. 1701 01:18:45,107 --> 01:18:46,162 I don't know, Oliver. 1702 01:18:46,163 --> 01:18:47,411 It's not really my cup of tea. 1703 01:18:47,412 --> 01:18:48,851 Cut to "ding-dong!" 1704 01:18:48,852 --> 01:18:50,036 I mean, actually, it would be-- 1705 01:18:53,973 --> 01:18:54,932 Hey, man. 1706 01:18:54,933 --> 01:18:55,893 Whoa. 1707 01:18:55,893 --> 01:18:57,173 Glad you changed your mind. 1708 01:18:57,174 --> 01:18:58,325 You are really naked. 1709 01:18:58,326 --> 01:18:59,445 I mean, you weren't kidding. 1710 01:18:59,446 --> 01:19:00,437 Yeah. 1711 01:19:00,438 --> 01:19:01,974 And there's your penis, 1712 01:19:01,975 --> 01:19:03,734 And I guess those are your balls, 1713 01:19:03,735 --> 01:19:05,942 And I'm gonna guess your ass is around the back there. 1714 01:19:05,943 --> 01:19:07,798 That's exactly right. 1715 01:19:07,799 --> 01:19:09,879 Why don't you come on in, take off your clothes? 1716 01:19:09,880 --> 01:19:10,775 Okay. 1717 01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:13,303 Musky smell. 1718 01:19:13,304 --> 01:19:15,256 Those are my natural pheromes. 1719 01:19:20,506 --> 01:19:22,553 Hey, man, I got to tell you, 1720 01:19:22,553 --> 01:19:24,601 I thought this was gonna be pretty good. 1721 01:19:24,602 --> 01:19:27,161 But this is pretty good. 1722 01:19:27,162 --> 01:19:29,658 It's pretty good, right? 1723 01:19:29,659 --> 01:19:31,418 You know, I got all these CDs over here. 1724 01:19:31,419 --> 01:19:32,858 You want to listen to something? 1725 01:19:32,859 --> 01:19:34,491 You got any Roberta Flack? 1726 01:19:34,492 --> 01:19:35,451 Are you kidding me? 1727 01:19:35,452 --> 01:19:37,019 I'm a Flack freak. 1728 01:19:37,020 --> 01:19:38,683 What do you want to listen to? 1729 01:19:38,684 --> 01:19:40,028 Killing me softly? 1730 01:19:40,029 --> 01:19:42,364 That's a little Flack 101. 1731 01:19:42,365 --> 01:19:45,692 Why don't we go a little deeper? 1732 01:19:45,693 --> 01:19:46,781 How about this? 1733 01:19:46,782 --> 01:19:49,085 Greatest hits, track two. 1734 01:19:53,407 --> 01:19:55,839 ♪ strolling in the park, ♪ 1735 01:19:55,840 --> 01:19:58,526 ♪ watching winter turn to spring. ♪ 1736 01:19:58,527 --> 01:20:00,159 I dig her silky vocals. 1737 01:20:00,160 --> 01:20:02,400 Yeah, and the jazzy rhythm guitar 1738 01:20:02,401 --> 01:20:05,247 And light percussion that wafts throughout. 1739 01:20:05,248 --> 01:20:06,528 Oof. 1740 01:20:06,529 --> 01:20:08,448 Fluid sounds. 1741 01:20:08,449 --> 01:20:09,600 Urbane. 1742 01:20:09,601 --> 01:20:12,481 Mm, contemporary flavor. 1743 01:20:12,482 --> 01:20:15,394 Holds a degree from Howard University. 1744 01:20:15,395 --> 01:20:16,994 That was just-- 1745 01:20:16,995 --> 01:20:18,050 That was great. 1746 01:20:18,051 --> 01:20:19,266 Yeah. Yeah, had a great time. 1747 01:20:19,267 --> 01:20:21,155 Well, why don't you come back next Sunday? 1748 01:20:21,156 --> 01:20:22,275 I don't know. 1749 01:20:22,276 --> 01:20:23,619 I mean, I might feel a little guilty 1750 01:20:23,620 --> 01:20:24,675 If I keep missing church. 1751 01:20:24,676 --> 01:20:27,043 Marty, god doesn't necessarily want us 1752 01:20:27,044 --> 01:20:29,124 To go to church every Sunday. 1753 01:20:29,125 --> 01:20:30,756 Keeping the sabbath might just mean 1754 01:20:30,757 --> 01:20:32,581 Taking a weekly break from our normal life 1755 01:20:32,582 --> 01:20:34,789 And celebrating his great creation. 1756 01:20:34,790 --> 01:20:36,869 And what greater manifestation of his creation is there 1757 01:20:36,870 --> 01:20:38,149 Than the body human? 1758 01:20:38,150 --> 01:20:41,318 For my money, it's just as holy for us to come over here 1759 01:20:41,319 --> 01:20:43,110 And swing our balls around 1760 01:20:43,111 --> 01:20:45,382 And pump up the Roberta Flack. 1761 01:20:45,383 --> 01:20:47,335 You know what? You make a great point. 1762 01:20:47,336 --> 01:20:49,351 I do have one question, though. 1763 01:20:49,352 --> 01:20:50,791 How many other guys should I invite? 1764 01:20:50,792 --> 01:20:53,896 ♪ it may be way too early ♪ 1765 01:20:53,897 --> 01:20:55,177 ♪ in the game. ♪ 1766 01:20:56,138 --> 01:20:57,512 hey, I just took a dump 1767 01:20:57,513 --> 01:20:59,433 And didn't have to pull my pants down. 1768 01:20:59,434 --> 01:21:00,586 Or up, right? 1769 01:21:00,587 --> 01:21:01,705 Correctamundo. 1770 01:21:01,706 --> 01:21:03,786 Hey, who invited Henry Winkler? 1771 01:21:03,786 --> 01:21:04,746 eh. 1772 01:21:04,747 --> 01:21:06,922 Oh, great. A room full of Fonzie's. 1773 01:21:06,923 --> 01:21:08,330 That's the last thing I need. 1774 01:21:10,124 --> 01:21:12,331 ♪ I wasn't trying to find romance. ♪ 1775 01:21:12,332 --> 01:21:13,931 I like the Roberta Flack. 1776 01:21:13,932 --> 01:21:15,916 How long has that been going on? 1777 01:21:15,917 --> 01:21:17,484 As far as I know, Flack's been de rigueur 1778 01:21:17,485 --> 01:21:18,476 Since day one. 1779 01:21:18,477 --> 01:21:19,756 Wait a minute. Hold the phone. 1780 01:21:19,757 --> 01:21:21,389 I knew it was popular, but de rigueur? 1781 01:21:21,390 --> 01:21:23,725 and then you get to side three, comfortably numb, 1782 01:21:23,726 --> 01:21:25,581 And then he doesn't even have his anger anymore. 1783 01:21:25,582 --> 01:21:27,662 Then he's completely within his own mind, 1784 01:21:27,663 --> 01:21:29,550 Behind his own wall. 1785 01:21:32,143 --> 01:21:37,776 ♪ tonight I celebrate my love for you. ♪ 1786 01:21:42,737 --> 01:21:45,297 ♪ is gonna come shining through. ♪ 1787 01:21:45,298 --> 01:21:46,480 Yeah? 1788 01:21:46,481 --> 01:21:47,633 Oliver, governor Hutchins here. 1789 01:21:47,634 --> 01:21:48,946 Church ended early today, 1790 01:21:48,947 --> 01:21:50,417 And your wife is on her way home. 1791 01:21:51,378 --> 01:21:52,337 Let's go! 1792 01:21:52,338 --> 01:21:53,522 Jesus shit. 1793 01:21:53,523 --> 01:21:54,994 Fuck! 1794 01:22:06,549 --> 01:22:07,860 They're here. They're here! 1795 01:22:07,861 --> 01:22:08,757 What do we do? 1796 01:22:14,486 --> 01:22:15,541 Hi, dad. 1797 01:22:15,542 --> 01:22:16,790 How's your gangrene? 1798 01:22:16,791 --> 01:22:17,846 Much better. 1799 01:22:17,847 --> 01:22:20,023 Oliver, is something going on here? 1800 01:22:20,024 --> 01:22:21,495 No. 1801 01:22:21,496 --> 01:22:22,487 Why? 1802 01:22:22,488 --> 01:22:24,087 You're acting strange, 1803 01:22:24,088 --> 01:22:25,719 And I want to know what's going on. 1804 01:22:25,720 --> 01:22:29,400 Honey, we made an oath in front of god. 1805 01:22:29,401 --> 01:22:31,576 And you deserve to hear the truth. 1806 01:22:31,577 --> 01:22:34,009 Fellas. 1807 01:22:37,338 --> 01:22:39,066 Every Sunday morning, 1808 01:22:39,067 --> 01:22:42,106 Dozens of men come over here and get naked. 1809 01:22:42,107 --> 01:22:43,290 I see. 1810 01:22:43,291 --> 01:22:44,698 And we never want to go to church again. 1811 01:22:44,699 --> 01:22:46,651 What do you think about that? 1812 01:22:46,652 --> 01:22:49,275 I'll tell you what I think. 1813 01:22:49,276 --> 01:22:50,267 If you ever 1814 01:22:50,268 --> 01:22:53,083 Have a naked party in my home again 1815 01:22:53,084 --> 01:22:55,004 On a Sunday, 1816 01:22:55,005 --> 01:22:57,405 You can kiss my black ass good-bye. 1817 01:22:58,590 --> 01:22:59,549 Wait a minute, Gloria. 1818 01:22:59,550 --> 01:23:00,989 Hear me out. 1819 01:23:00,990 --> 01:23:03,838 ♪ I've been a good man ♪ 1820 01:23:03,839 --> 01:23:06,366 ♪ all my life. ♪ 1821 01:23:06,367 --> 01:23:07,710 ♪ take care of my kids, ♪ 1822 01:23:07,711 --> 01:23:10,751 ♪ provide for my wife. ♪ 1823 01:23:10,752 --> 01:23:13,215 ♪ given to the church, ♪ 1824 01:23:13,216 --> 01:23:15,616 ♪ the destitute, the poor. ♪ 1825 01:23:15,617 --> 01:23:17,952 ♪ never hurt a fly. ♪ 1826 01:23:17,953 --> 01:23:20,032 ♪ I never fucked a whore. ♪ 1827 01:23:20,033 --> 01:23:22,721 ♪ so where does it say ♪ 1828 01:23:22,722 --> 01:23:26,114 ♪ that every Sunday, we have to go pray? ♪ 1829 01:23:26,114 --> 01:23:27,586 That's the lord's way. 1830 01:23:27,587 --> 01:23:29,858 Touche. 1831 01:23:29,859 --> 01:23:32,418 ♪ but it never felt right. ♪ 1832 01:23:32,419 --> 01:23:34,659 ♪ there was something untrue ♪ 1833 01:23:34,660 --> 01:23:36,771 ♪ about that fabric ♪ 1834 01:23:36,772 --> 01:23:41,252 ♪ between my ass and the pew. ♪ 1835 01:23:41,253 --> 01:23:45,029 ♪ it's not crude to be nude on the sabbath. ♪ 1836 01:23:45,030 --> 01:23:49,157 ♪ I think you'd be a prude to say nay. ♪ 1837 01:23:49,158 --> 01:23:54,182 ♪ misconstrued are my views on the sabbath ♪ 1838 01:23:54,183 --> 01:23:57,574 ♪ as we shimmy bareback to Roberta Flack. ♪ 1839 01:23:57,575 --> 01:24:01,575 ♪ fresh-shampooed are our pubes and our rectums. ♪ 1840 01:24:01,576 --> 01:24:06,152 ♪ great respect we reflect, we have shown. ♪ 1841 01:24:06,153 --> 01:24:08,200 ♪ see our cracks and our taints ♪ 1842 01:24:08,201 --> 01:24:10,121 ♪ are as clean as a saint's ♪ 1843 01:24:10,122 --> 01:24:14,153 ♪ 'cause we know ♪ 1844 01:24:14,154 --> 01:24:18,122 ♪ it's written in stone. ♪ 1845 01:24:18,123 --> 01:24:22,186 ♪ it's written in stone. ♪ 1846 01:24:23,628 --> 01:24:25,643 ♪ I introduced each story. ♪ 1847 01:24:25,644 --> 01:24:27,724 ♪ there were ten. You couldn't have missed them. ♪ 1848 01:24:27,725 --> 01:24:29,996 ♪ I was surrounded by gigantic prop tablets, ♪ 1849 01:24:29,997 --> 01:24:32,044 ♪ but I didn't heed their wisdom. ♪ 1850 01:24:32,045 --> 01:24:33,964 ♪ I ignored the laws, betrayed my wife, ♪ 1851 01:24:33,965 --> 01:24:36,174 ♪ but I did my job at least. ♪ 1852 01:24:36,174 --> 01:24:38,286 ♪ I gave you ten short stories. ♪ 1853 01:24:38,287 --> 01:24:43,278 ♪ and he dumped Dianne Wiest. ♪ 1854 01:24:43,279 --> 01:24:47,055 ♪ I broke it off with Wiest. ♪ 1855 01:24:49,713 --> 01:24:51,503 ♪ I stole a little wooden guy. ♪ 1856 01:24:51,504 --> 01:24:53,104 ♪ now we live in South Bayonne. ♪ 1857 01:24:53,105 --> 01:24:54,992 ♪ I live my life on scotch and rye, ♪ 1858 01:24:54,993 --> 01:24:56,368 ♪ splinters in my inner thigh. ♪ 1859 01:24:56,369 --> 01:24:58,129 ♪ I guess that's why-- I guess that's why ♪ 1860 01:24:58,130 --> 01:25:00,465 ♪ it's written down in stone... ♪ 1861 01:25:00,466 --> 01:25:02,609 ♪ as these ten stories all have shown. ♪ 1862 01:25:02,610 --> 01:25:05,490 ♪ craved a CAT scan like my neighbor. ♪ 1863 01:25:05,490 --> 01:25:10,227 ♪ tried to keep up with my friend. ♪ 1864 01:25:10,228 --> 01:25:14,355 ♪ now there's radiated children. ♪ 1865 01:25:14,356 --> 01:25:18,484 ♪ many dead like sir John Glenn. ♪ 1866 01:25:18,485 --> 01:25:20,245 ♪ and that was only one of ten. ♪ 1867 01:25:20,246 --> 01:25:23,477 ♪ well, I was good with the goof. ♪ 1868 01:25:23,478 --> 01:25:25,461 ♪ I was quick with the gags. ♪ 1869 01:25:25,462 --> 01:25:26,517 ♪ but the judge, ♪ 1870 01:25:26,518 --> 01:25:28,886 ♪ he done judge you too crass. ♪ 1871 01:25:28,887 --> 01:25:31,830 ♪ so now the goof is on me. ♪ 1872 01:25:31,831 --> 01:25:34,423 ♪ I got 99 years. ♪ 1873 01:25:34,424 --> 01:25:38,168 ♪ and a bloody, stretched-out ass. ♪ 1874 01:25:39,321 --> 01:25:43,576 ♪ a nonelastic, bruised and battered... ♪ 1875 01:25:43,577 --> 01:25:45,528 ♪ badly damaged... ♪ 1876 01:25:45,529 --> 01:25:47,961 ♪ stretchy, stretchy... ♪ 1877 01:25:47,962 --> 01:25:49,529 ♪ trunk, ♪ 1878 01:25:49,530 --> 01:25:52,089 ♪ butt, ♪ 1879 01:25:52,090 --> 01:25:57,211 ♪ ass. ♪ 1880 01:25:58,203 --> 01:25:59,771 I got a trunk butt ass! 1881 01:25:59,772 --> 01:26:03,611 ♪ well, I met Jesus in Mexico, ♪ 1882 01:26:03,612 --> 01:26:05,852 ♪ didn't know how hard I'd fall. ♪ 1883 01:26:05,853 --> 01:26:08,668 ♪ but in truth, the story's fictional. ♪ 1884 01:26:08,669 --> 01:26:12,317 ♪ my name is Gretchen Mol. ♪ 1885 01:26:12,318 --> 01:26:13,917 ♪ I crushed my spine. ♪ 1886 01:26:13,918 --> 01:26:15,293 ♪ I'm in the ground. ♪ 1887 01:26:15,294 --> 01:26:17,118 ♪ I had my 15 minutes. ♪ 1888 01:26:18,879 --> 01:26:23,359 ♪ I fucked Arsenio hall in his trailer. ♪ 1889 01:26:23,360 --> 01:26:26,176 ♪ he wore nothing at all but his socks. ♪ 1890 01:26:26,176 --> 01:26:29,728 ♪ if it were Arnold, you kids would be paler. ♪ 1891 01:26:29,729 --> 01:26:32,545 ♪ and we'd both have straighter locks. ♪ 1892 01:26:32,546 --> 01:26:33,505 ♪ and smaller cocks. ♪ 1893 01:26:33,506 --> 01:26:35,937 So what does it all mean? 1894 01:26:35,938 --> 01:26:38,210 ♪ so what's it all about? ♪ 1895 01:26:38,211 --> 01:26:40,546 ♪ what does it all add up to? ♪ 1896 01:26:40,547 --> 01:26:44,290 ♪ hey, haven't you figured it out? ♪ 1897 01:26:44,291 --> 01:26:45,410 tell us! 1898 01:26:45,411 --> 01:26:46,563 ♪ it's all about... ♪ 1899 01:26:46,564 --> 01:26:48,228 ♪ love! ♪ 1900 01:26:48,228 --> 01:26:50,467 Put your arms around each other! 1901 01:26:50,468 --> 01:26:51,940 ♪ love! ♪ 1902 01:26:51,941 --> 01:26:53,860 ♪ yeah, the universe is calling. ♪ 1903 01:26:53,861 --> 01:26:55,780 ♪ love! ♪ 1904 01:26:55,781 --> 01:26:57,413 Everybody kissing 1905 01:26:57,414 --> 01:26:58,596 And everybody hugging, now, come on! 1906 01:26:58,597 --> 01:27:03,782 ♪ love! ♪ 1907 01:27:06,951 --> 01:27:10,951 ♪ love! ♪ 1908 01:27:19,177 --> 01:27:20,136 ♪ 1 and 9, ♪ 1909 01:27:20,137 --> 01:27:21,096 ♪ 8 and 2, ♪ 1910 01:27:21,097 --> 01:27:22,377 ♪ 3 and 7, ♪ 1911 01:27:22,378 --> 01:27:23,337 ♪ 11 minus 1, ♪ 1912 01:27:23,338 --> 01:27:24,809 ♪ 5 and 5 is--is... ♪ 1913 01:27:24,810 --> 01:27:28,586 ♪ oh, yeah! ♪ 1914 01:27:28,587 --> 01:27:31,306 ♪ the ten is a hell of a number. ♪ 1915 01:27:31,307 --> 01:27:32,491 ♪ the ten, ten ten. ♪ 1916 01:27:32,492 --> 01:27:34,987 ♪ double digits, 1-0 supply. ♪ 1917 01:27:34,988 --> 01:27:36,331 that's the Lord's way. 1918 01:27:36,332 --> 01:27:39,435 ♪ was that really their actual order? ♪ 1919 01:27:39,436 --> 01:27:43,276 ♪ then you've got one, all right. ♪ 1920 01:27:43,277 --> 01:27:46,317 ♪ oh, yeah! ♪ 1921 01:27:46,318 --> 01:27:53,838 ♪ ♪ 1922 01:27:53,839 --> 01:27:55,278 ♪ da, da, da, da. ♪ 1923 01:27:59,440 --> 01:28:01,583 ♪ stuck in the ground. We're stuck in the ground. ♪ 1924 01:28:01,584 --> 01:28:03,152 ♪ stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck! ♪ 1925 01:28:03,153 --> 01:28:05,040 ♪ stuck in the ground, but I found fame. ♪ 1926 01:28:05,041 --> 01:28:06,992 ♪ buck-ass naked. Check out the frame. ♪ 1927 01:28:06,993 --> 01:28:08,913 ♪ from daily show to jailhouse ho. ♪ 1928 01:28:08,914 --> 01:28:10,833 ♪ when she left Rudd, it was time to go. ♪ 1929 01:28:10,834 --> 01:28:12,753 ♪ I was born on the state and blew up in reno. ♪ 1930 01:28:12,754 --> 01:28:14,673 ♪ CAT scan--my neighbor, what he know? ♪ 1931 01:28:14,674 --> 01:28:16,594 ♪ dip my balls in your mouth from the goof. ♪ 1932 01:28:16,595 --> 01:28:18,514 ♪ and poof! Redhead nuts on your roof. ♪ 1933 01:28:18,515 --> 01:28:20,434 ♪ yes, yes, ya'll. Gretchen Mol. ♪ 1934 01:28:20,435 --> 01:28:22,291 ♪ I took the fall for Arsenio hall. ♪ 1935 01:28:22,291 --> 01:28:24,275 ♪ knocked up, Paul makes summertime money. ♪ 1936 01:28:24,276 --> 01:28:26,195 ♪ shacked up with a ventriloquist's dummy. ♪ 1937 01:28:26,196 --> 01:28:28,116 ♪ Liev in a mustache had a Jack Russell. ♪ 1938 01:28:28,117 --> 01:28:30,036 ♪ everybody do the Ron Silver hustle. ♪ 1939 01:28:30,037 --> 01:28:31,956 ♪ no fuss, I'm just a savior. ♪ 1940 01:28:31,957 --> 01:28:33,877 ♪ pick them and flick them is what I gave ya. ♪ 1941 01:28:33,878 --> 01:28:35,797 ♪ played you like a puppet on string. ♪ 1942 01:28:35,798 --> 01:28:37,717 ♪ and I'm so fine that I made hard the thing. ♪ 1943 01:28:37,718 --> 01:28:39,734 ♪ miss fantastic bee. Feel the sting. ♪ 1944 01:28:39,735 --> 01:28:41,622 ♪ rhyme time over. The ten, y'all. Sing! ♪ 1945 01:28:41,623 --> 01:28:45,078 ♪ the ten is a hell of a number. ♪ 1946 01:28:45,079 --> 01:28:48,151 ♪ and the credits are now going by. ♪ 1947 01:28:48,152 --> 01:28:49,431 ♪ the ten, the ten. ♪ 1948 01:28:49,432 --> 01:28:52,407 ♪ the movie is just about over. ♪ 1949 01:28:52,408 --> 01:28:55,064 ♪ say good-bye. ♪ 1950 01:28:55,065 --> 01:28:56,729 ♪ good-bye. ♪ 1951 01:28:56,730 --> 01:28:58,969 ♪ we've come to the what? To the end of the ten. ♪ 1952 01:28:58,970 --> 01:29:00,505 ♪ right to the what? Of the ten. ♪ 1953 01:29:00,506 --> 01:29:02,586 ♪ we've come to the end, I fear, to the end of the ten. ♪ 1954 01:29:02,586 --> 01:29:03,802 ♪ we've come to the what? ♪ 1955 01:29:03,803 --> 01:29:05,786 ♪ we've come to the end of the ten. ♪ 1956 01:29:05,787 --> 01:29:09,371 ♪ we've come to the end of the ten, I fear. ♪ 1957 01:29:09,372 --> 01:29:12,315 ♪ naked men stood at the mirror. ♪ 1958 01:29:12,316 --> 01:29:17,788 ♪ the Sunday balls, they bloom like spring. ♪ 1959 01:29:17,789 --> 01:29:22,845 ♪ but it's not a gay thing. ♪ 1960 01:29:22,846 --> 01:29:26,558 ♪ we've come to the end of the ten, dear child. ♪ 1961 01:29:26,559 --> 01:29:29,534 ♪ wife and husband reconciled. ♪ 1962 01:29:29,535 --> 01:29:34,527 ♪ Jeff left Liz and Dianne Wiest ♪ 1963 01:29:34,528 --> 01:29:40,000 ♪ and kissed Gretchen on the street. ♪ 1964 01:29:40,001 --> 01:29:46,528 ♪ and the flower grows sometimes from Rhino shit. ♪ 1965 01:29:46,529 --> 01:29:53,058 ♪ and the lesson learned is what you make of it. ♪ 1966 01:29:53,059 --> 01:29:57,731 ♪ what we make of it. ♪ 1967 01:29:57,732 --> 01:30:01,380 ♪ we've come to the end of the ten, I know. ♪ 1968 01:30:01,381 --> 01:30:04,228 ♪ the puppet's not your average dildo. ♪ 1969 01:30:04,229 --> 01:30:09,732 ♪ though Gary may not speak again, ♪ 1970 01:30:09,733 --> 01:30:14,566 ♪ he'll be her best friend. ♪ 1971 01:30:14,567 --> 01:30:18,342 ♪ we've come to the end of the ten, John Glenn. ♪ 1972 01:30:18,343 --> 01:30:21,287 ♪ kids and radioactive contamination don't blend, ♪ 1973 01:30:21,288 --> 01:30:26,952 ♪ because two neighbors wanted more. ♪ 1974 01:30:26,953 --> 01:30:31,816 ♪ but it's not worth dying for. ♪ 1975 01:30:31,817 --> 01:30:38,441 ♪ we saw the doctor raped almost constantly. ♪ 1976 01:30:38,442 --> 01:30:45,002 ♪ he could not escape where his goof did lead, ♪ 1977 01:30:45,003 --> 01:30:49,740 ♪ where his goof did lead. ♪ 1978 01:30:49,741 --> 01:30:53,260 ♪ twin boys born to their creator ♪ 1979 01:30:53,261 --> 01:30:56,205 ♪ did not resemble the terminator. ♪ 1980 01:30:56,206 --> 01:31:01,901 ♪ but Jesus Christos, son of god, ♪ 1981 01:31:01,902 --> 01:31:06,575 ♪ he opened up a heart. ♪ 1982 01:31:06,576 --> 01:31:10,351 ♪ we've come to the end of the ten, oh, my. ♪ 1983 01:31:10,352 --> 01:31:13,136 ♪ Montgomery fell out of the sky ♪ 1984 01:31:13,136 --> 01:31:18,961 ♪ and lodged himself down in the ground. ♪ 1985 01:31:18,962 --> 01:31:21,681 ♪ how does he defecate? ♪ 1986 01:31:21,682 --> 01:31:23,441 how does he defecate? I don't know. 1987 01:31:23,442 --> 01:31:26,386 ♪ but the flower sometimes grows ♪ 1988 01:31:26,387 --> 01:31:30,483 ♪ from Montgomery's shit. ♪ 1989 01:31:30,484 --> 01:31:36,723 ♪ and the lesson learned is what you make of it, ♪ 1990 01:31:36,724 --> 01:31:41,940 ♪ what you make of it. ♪ 1991 01:31:58,648 --> 01:32:01,719 ♪ we've come to the end of the end of the ten. ♪ 1992 01:32:01,720 --> 01:32:04,472 What a bunch of fucking assholes. 1993 01:32:04,473 --> 01:32:05,432 Damn. 1994 01:32:08,311 --> 01:32:10,709 Subtitles Extracted By LeapinLar