2 00:00:15,894 --> 00:00:20,759 (♫ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ♫) 3 00:00:44,028 --> 00:00:47,895 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 4 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,391 MAN: (ON TV) Why wouldn't we bring up the first amendment? 5 00:00:54,393 --> 00:00:57,658 We have to stick to the constitution. That is what made this country. 6 00:00:57,660 --> 00:01:02,627 (GROUP CHATTERING, INDISTINCTLY) 7 00:01:08,494 --> 00:01:14,262 - (HOCKING PHLEGM) - (TV CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND) 8 00:01:18,561 --> 00:01:20,762 (WOMAN EXHALING) 9 00:01:25,729 --> 00:01:27,062 Don't die. 10 00:01:29,661 --> 00:01:31,561 Come on, photosynthesis. 11 00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:39,362 (JET ENGINES WHOOSHING) 12 00:01:45,462 --> 00:01:48,996 (FEMALE ANNOUNCER OVER P.A., INDISTINCTLY) 13 00:02:14,797 --> 00:02:17,961 - That's a nice dress. - Oh. Thank you. 14 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:20,030 - I like your jacket. - Thanks. 15 00:02:22,396 --> 00:02:26,061 - I hope our flight's on time. - Oh, it is. See? 16 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:29,928 This airline has an excellent arrival-departure record. 17 00:02:29,930 --> 00:02:31,828 Um, I Googled it. 18 00:02:31,830 --> 00:02:34,729 And, um, it has a 98... 19 00:02:34,731 --> 00:02:37,028 No 96, no 98 percent approval... 20 00:02:37,030 --> 00:02:39,494 online user approval rating. 21 00:02:39,496 --> 00:02:41,996 Which is very incredibly high, obviously. 22 00:02:41,998 --> 00:02:45,629 Um, and Rancho Cucamonga Mary sent me three, 23 00:02:45,631 --> 00:02:49,530 who I trust implicitly, was very effusive about it. 24 00:02:51,931 --> 00:02:53,798 - Yeah. - And you get a snack. 25 00:02:54,798 --> 00:02:56,427 Great. 26 00:02:56,429 --> 00:02:57,829 (WOMAN ON P.A. CONTINUES, INDISTINCTLY) 27 00:02:57,831 --> 00:02:59,796 - I'm sorry, what was that? - What? 28 00:02:59,798 --> 00:03:01,428 You just took a step forward there. 29 00:03:01,430 --> 00:03:03,829 - I didn't. - Yeah, you did. You know you did. 30 00:03:03,831 --> 00:03:05,729 - I didn't realize. - Oh, I see. 31 00:03:05,731 --> 00:03:07,529 I beg your pardon? 32 00:03:07,531 --> 00:03:11,696 - I s-see what you did. I know what you did. It's... - What did I do? 33 00:03:11,698 --> 00:03:17,362 You came up alongside me, you know, with your jacket and your face and charm, 34 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:21,129 and you just, you know, talked to me for a strategic amount of time, 35 00:03:21,131 --> 00:03:22,830 established your position, 36 00:03:22,832 --> 00:03:26,696 and then just casually, blatantly stepped in front of me. 37 00:03:26,698 --> 00:03:28,529 Like I had some sort of amnesia 38 00:03:28,531 --> 00:03:31,030 and couldn't remember 15 seconds in the past when you were behind me. 39 00:03:31,032 --> 00:03:33,529 - Untrue. - (SCOFFS) 40 00:03:33,531 --> 00:03:35,730 Oh my... You just did it again. 41 00:03:35,732 --> 00:03:38,963 This is like watching a master at work in his dojo. 42 00:03:38,965 --> 00:03:40,863 - I mean... - Here's what happened. 43 00:03:40,865 --> 00:03:43,663 I came to my gate, hoping my flight was on time. 44 00:03:43,665 --> 00:03:45,730 I then attempted to start a pleasant conversation, 45 00:03:45,732 --> 00:03:48,663 whereupon you revealed the tip of the iceberg of your tendencies, 46 00:03:48,665 --> 00:03:51,597 and I was forced to take a step forward to escape the vortex. 47 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:54,830 Oh, my God. Oh... Again! Oh! 48 00:03:54,832 --> 00:03:58,130 And now you're casting me as the author of a Byzantine conspiracy theory 49 00:03:58,132 --> 00:04:00,496 of a Machiavellian land grab 50 00:04:00,498 --> 00:04:03,998 designed to usurp your position on an aircraft that has eight seats. 51 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,998 You know what? Okay. 52 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,131 That's cra... If I'm wrong, just step in back of me instead of in front of me. 53 00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:12,530 No, because that would mean going past you again. 54 00:04:12,532 --> 00:04:15,530 (SCOFFS) I see. You know what? 55 00:04:15,532 --> 00:04:19,898 Five years ago, I would have said something trite like, "Chivalry is dead." 56 00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,998 But this is worse than unchivalrous. 57 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,864 This is... You are part and parcel of a world 58 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,898 that no longer has any idea how to behave itself. 59 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:32,497 In fact, I draw a straight line between people like you 60 00:04:32,499 --> 00:04:36,364 to investment bankers to politicians to terrorists. 61 00:04:36,366 --> 00:04:41,031 You basically all have the same contempt for decency and rules and any manners. 62 00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:44,665 And what's funny is there's no way you can board first 63 00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,032 because the only way you could board first is if you had a special need. 64 00:04:47,034 --> 00:04:48,832 Do you have a special need? 65 00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:51,965 Yes, I need to be over there. 66 00:04:51,967 --> 00:04:52,700 (SCOFFS) 67 00:04:54,734 --> 00:04:57,698 (WOMAN ON P.A. CONTINUES, INDISTINCTLY) 68 00:04:57,700 --> 00:04:58,634 (SIGHS) 69 00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:03,534 Fucker. 70 00:05:29,701 --> 00:05:30,833 (SIGHS) 71 00:05:30,835 --> 00:05:32,635 - Fantastic. - Wonderful. 72 00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:37,066 - Anybody want to trade seats? - You're ridiculous. 73 00:05:37,068 --> 00:05:39,666 Anybody? It's great back here. 74 00:05:39,668 --> 00:05:42,035 (SIGHS) You've got to be kidding me. 75 00:05:46,536 --> 00:05:47,635 Jesus. 76 00:05:57,569 --> 00:05:59,301 What brings you to San Luis Obispo? 77 00:06:00,368 --> 00:06:02,033 - You don't have to. - What? 78 00:06:02,035 --> 00:06:05,700 Talk. Honestly, I'd be happier if you didn't. 79 00:06:05,702 --> 00:06:06,769 Fine. 80 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:13,536 (LOUD CRINKLING) 81 00:06:15,769 --> 00:06:21,903 (LOUD CRINKLING) 82 00:06:27,702 --> 00:06:29,001 Dear God. Tear it at the notch. 83 00:06:29,003 --> 00:06:31,367 There is no notch. 84 00:06:31,369 --> 00:06:33,134 - Give it to me. - I'm not giving you... 85 00:06:33,136 --> 00:06:34,069 Give it to me. 86 00:06:49,403 --> 00:06:52,037 This one does not appear to have a working notch. 87 00:06:58,904 --> 00:06:59,904 Yeah. 88 00:07:00,970 --> 00:07:02,037 Yeah. 89 00:07:10,004 --> 00:07:11,571 All that... 90 00:07:15,571 --> 00:07:16,738 Thank you. 91 00:07:25,371 --> 00:07:26,638 (BOTH GROANS) 92 00:07:38,538 --> 00:07:40,538 I'm actually going to Paso Robles. 93 00:07:41,671 --> 00:07:43,769 They call it Paso "Roables." 94 00:07:43,771 --> 00:07:46,136 Well, the correct pronunciation is Robles. 95 00:07:46,138 --> 00:07:48,403 But they call it "Roables." 96 00:07:48,405 --> 00:07:50,003 - Whatever. - I hope it's a big place. 97 00:07:50,005 --> 00:07:51,736 It isn't. 98 00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:54,436 If I see you at a restaurant, I'll go to another restaurant. 99 00:07:54,438 --> 00:07:56,503 I'm not going to be in any restaurants. 100 00:07:56,505 --> 00:07:59,870 Why? Are you checking into a mental institution? 101 00:07:59,872 --> 00:08:04,539 I'm going to that most presumptuous of all things, a destination wedding. 102 00:08:06,438 --> 00:08:08,572 Please don't tell me it's Keith and Anne's. 103 00:08:10,705 --> 00:08:12,937 How many weddings can there possibly be 104 00:08:12,939 --> 00:08:15,137 on any given day in Paso Robles? 105 00:08:15,139 --> 00:08:17,037 I was praying for two. 106 00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:19,703 And I was blaming Satan for my seat assignment 107 00:08:19,705 --> 00:08:22,404 when it was actually just Keith's assistant. 108 00:08:22,406 --> 00:08:24,537 And how do you know the esteemed Keith? 109 00:08:24,539 --> 00:08:26,804 I was engaged to him six years ago. 110 00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:29,571 - Oh, my God, you're Lindsay. - Why, how do you know him? 111 00:08:29,573 --> 00:08:31,404 He and I have the same mother. 112 00:08:31,406 --> 00:08:32,906 Holy shit, you're Frank? 113 00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,870 Oh, you're even worse than he said. 114 00:08:36,872 --> 00:08:38,538 You too. 115 00:08:38,540 --> 00:08:39,640 (GROANS) 116 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,072 (LOUD SLAM) 117 00:08:47,807 --> 00:08:50,404 Oh, my God. 118 00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:51,907 Serious... (MOUTHING) 119 00:08:53,973 --> 00:08:55,040 (EXHALES) 120 00:09:19,507 --> 00:09:22,071 - There was supposed to be a car. - Our flight was early. 121 00:09:22,073 --> 00:09:23,806 Really? It seemed so long. 122 00:09:23,808 --> 00:09:27,405 MAN: (ON P.A.) Attention, passengers, increased security measures 123 00:09:27,407 --> 00:09:29,572 require all passengers to maintain 124 00:09:29,574 --> 00:09:32,806 close personal contact with your bags at all times. 125 00:09:32,808 --> 00:09:35,407 (MAN ON P.A. CONTINUES, INDISTINCTLY) 126 00:09:41,541 --> 00:09:44,505 So how much do you know about what happened between me and Keith? 127 00:09:44,507 --> 00:09:47,106 I know that he broke off your engagement five weeks before the wedding. 128 00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:48,705 And now I know why. 129 00:09:48,707 --> 00:09:50,672 He said some shit about you, boy. 130 00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:52,872 - Like what? - Doesn't matter. 131 00:09:52,874 --> 00:09:56,106 Don't do that, don't dangle an injurious tidbit and then snatch it away. 132 00:09:56,108 --> 00:09:58,540 Or what, I'll die alone? 133 00:09:58,542 --> 00:10:00,473 Keith is a panhandling piece of garbage, 134 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:01,873 and you're better off without him. 135 00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:04,940 Which is saying something, considering how bad off you are. 136 00:10:04,942 --> 00:10:07,506 Just pity the bride, whoever she is. 137 00:10:07,508 --> 00:10:10,640 - You haven't met her? - Just like I never met you. 138 00:10:10,642 --> 00:10:13,439 I stay as far away from Keith as I can. 139 00:10:13,441 --> 00:10:16,907 My mother insisted I turn up for this shit show, otherwise, I wouldn't be meeting you now. 140 00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,373 Isn't that nice to think about? 141 00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:21,573 She said it's important to show up because if you show up, 142 00:10:21,575 --> 00:10:23,940 the worst they can say is you're horrendous, which is subjective. 143 00:10:23,942 --> 00:10:26,407 But not showing up is objective. 144 00:10:26,409 --> 00:10:27,775 Well, you showed up. 145 00:10:28,909 --> 00:10:30,574 Why would you come to his wedding? 146 00:10:30,576 --> 00:10:32,107 He broke your heart, as I recall. 147 00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:34,040 Shattered, yes. 148 00:10:34,042 --> 00:10:35,707 Didn't you wind up suing him? 149 00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:37,873 Well, I needed to lash out. 150 00:10:37,875 --> 00:10:41,474 Plus he cost my parents $32,000 in deposits. 151 00:10:41,476 --> 00:10:43,107 - Did you win? - There was a settlement. 152 00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,808 Did you feel better? 153 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:47,908 Look, I came because he invited me. 154 00:10:47,910 --> 00:10:50,707 He only invited you because he wanted to act like a big person, 155 00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:53,741 not because he, in any way, wanted you to come. 156 00:10:53,743 --> 00:10:58,641 You think I wanted to come? I'm just trying to be the big person. 157 00:10:58,643 --> 00:11:01,776 See, this only works if one of you actually is a big person. 158 00:11:02,910 --> 00:11:05,607 Well, also, I need closure. 159 00:11:05,609 --> 00:11:08,607 You don't have closure? It was six years ago. 160 00:11:08,609 --> 00:11:11,575 Do I strike you as someone who has closure? 161 00:11:11,577 --> 00:11:13,974 He's marrying someone else. That's closure. 162 00:11:13,976 --> 00:11:15,408 It's closed. 163 00:11:15,410 --> 00:11:18,575 Closed is not the same thing as closure. 164 00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:19,811 (CAR HORN BEEPS) 165 00:11:28,777 --> 00:11:30,644 Any chance they sent two cars? 166 00:12:00,645 --> 00:12:02,643 So, what do you do, Frank? 167 00:12:02,645 --> 00:12:05,975 That is, when you're not shining your light upon the world. 168 00:12:05,977 --> 00:12:08,409 I run marketing for J.D. Power and Associates. 169 00:12:08,411 --> 00:12:10,110 The "Car of the Year" people? 170 00:12:10,112 --> 00:12:11,910 No, that's a magazine. 171 00:12:11,912 --> 00:12:14,077 I bought one of your cars of the year. It was a piece of crap. 172 00:12:14,079 --> 00:12:16,543 Again, a magazine. Common error. 173 00:12:16,545 --> 00:12:18,111 Is that the career you dreamed of? 174 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,776 Handing out awards by the fistful? 175 00:12:20,778 --> 00:12:23,709 Hugely successful company, extremely well-respected. 176 00:12:23,711 --> 00:12:27,410 It's corporate brownnosing on a national scale. 177 00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:29,676 International. And don't sleep on awards. 178 00:12:29,678 --> 00:12:31,743 Our country lives on self-congratulation. 179 00:12:31,745 --> 00:12:32,876 Let me ask you this. 180 00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,743 Has there ever been a car 181 00:12:34,745 --> 00:12:37,710 that wasn't a J.D. Power and Associates Car of the Year? 182 00:12:37,712 --> 00:12:40,077 We don't do "Car of the Year." That's a magazine. 183 00:12:40,079 --> 00:12:41,910 I've seen those Lucite trophies. 184 00:12:41,912 --> 00:12:44,679 They're on every car commercial for every car, ever. 185 00:12:45,978 --> 00:12:47,046 (SIGHS) 186 00:12:48,779 --> 00:12:51,144 What do you do anyway? 187 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:54,145 I prosecute companies and institutions 188 00:12:54,147 --> 00:12:56,779 for culturally insensitive actions or speech. 189 00:12:59,013 --> 00:13:01,045 You're the politically correct police. 190 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,710 (LAUGHS) No. 191 00:13:02,712 --> 00:13:04,911 You parse what people say and do, and then accuse them 192 00:13:04,913 --> 00:13:08,444 of being racist or misogynist or otherwise horrible. 193 00:13:08,446 --> 00:13:10,577 You destroy lives and reputations for money. 194 00:13:10,579 --> 00:13:12,378 (SCOFFS) No. 195 00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:14,779 Is that what you dreamed of? A career in reverse fascism? 196 00:13:17,613 --> 00:13:19,080 I can't remember dreaming. 197 00:14:25,514 --> 00:14:26,648 (KEY CLATTERS) 198 00:14:39,982 --> 00:14:42,382 (EXHALING) 199 00:14:46,882 --> 00:14:50,749 (TV CHATTERING) 200 00:14:52,116 --> 00:14:53,649 Wrong! 201 00:14:56,950 --> 00:14:59,017 I thought this was my closet. 202 00:15:01,782 --> 00:15:03,649 Are you expecting a response of some kind? 203 00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,480 No. 204 00:15:06,482 --> 00:15:10,481 Uh, I see now that there is a bolt on the door. 205 00:15:10,483 --> 00:15:12,381 So, we should use it. 206 00:15:12,383 --> 00:15:13,682 Yep. 207 00:15:25,817 --> 00:15:27,918 (FRANK HOCKING PHLEGM) 208 00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:34,148 (BOLT CLICKS) 209 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,447 (TV CONTINUES) 210 00:15:35,449 --> 00:15:36,581 (BOLT CLICKS) 211 00:15:36,583 --> 00:15:43,748 (HOCKING PHLEGM) 212 00:15:43,750 --> 00:15:44,815 MAN: (♫ SINGS ♫) ♫ Oh, my good girl ♫ 213 00:15:44,817 --> 00:15:46,149 ♫ Looking this fancy ♫ 214 00:15:46,151 --> 00:15:48,581 ♫ Pretty little mama Like a lot of table dancin' ♫ 215 00:15:48,583 --> 00:15:51,049 ♫ I want to pop a bottle But she just keep dancin' ♫ 216 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:53,515 ♫ We gonna keep it up Till the top of the morning ♫ 217 00:15:53,517 --> 00:15:55,714 ♫ Hey, everybody Take a look at that body ♫ 218 00:15:55,716 --> 00:15:57,781 ♫ Fine derriere That's a whole lot of hotty ♫ 219 00:15:57,783 --> 00:15:59,649 (MUSIC FADES) 220 00:15:59,651 --> 00:16:02,082 - How's your room? - I'm just sleeping there. 221 00:16:02,084 --> 00:16:03,749 How's yours? 222 00:16:03,751 --> 00:16:06,448 I'll let you know after I run a UV light over the sheets. 223 00:16:06,450 --> 00:16:08,049 We really shouldn't speak anymore. 224 00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:09,749 If you think that's best. 225 00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:11,582 Do you think Keith is trying to fix us up? 226 00:16:11,584 --> 00:16:12,850 Even he is smarter than that. 227 00:16:12,852 --> 00:16:15,917 I don't know. I mean, same flight. 228 00:16:15,919 --> 00:16:18,050 Seated next to each other on the plane. 229 00:16:18,052 --> 00:16:20,549 Adjoining rooms. Seated next to each other here. 230 00:16:20,551 --> 00:16:22,917 You think that's all just coincidence? 231 00:16:22,919 --> 00:16:26,383 Keith has never had a thought about another human being. 232 00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:29,582 So we're just the people you don't know where to stick? 233 00:16:29,584 --> 00:16:31,682 Might as well just stick us together. 234 00:16:31,684 --> 00:16:33,983 I don't want to be a person you don't know where to stick. 235 00:16:33,985 --> 00:16:36,715 That is not the life I imagined for myself. 236 00:16:36,717 --> 00:16:39,917 I'm sure your next life will be better. 237 00:16:39,919 --> 00:16:43,750 Welp, here we go. 238 00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:44,818 So that's her. 239 00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,385 Yep. 240 00:16:47,518 --> 00:16:49,951 She is a tall glass of hemlock. 241 00:16:49,953 --> 00:16:51,884 - She's Danish. - Dutch, I thought. 242 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,383 Danish. From Denmark. 243 00:16:53,385 --> 00:16:55,117 I know where Danish are from. 244 00:16:55,119 --> 00:16:56,884 He looks the same as he used to. 245 00:16:56,886 --> 00:16:58,516 Plastic people don't age. 246 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,084 Well, I was hoping he had. 247 00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:04,951 I was hoping he'd be less attractive or on his way to obesity. 248 00:17:04,953 --> 00:17:07,786 Is this the first time you've seen him since the crushing ending? 249 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,818 - Is it bad? - Yep. 250 00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:13,053 - As bad as you feared? - Yeah. Worse. 251 00:17:16,086 --> 00:17:20,051 - How can this be the way the species is set up? - I'm sorry? 252 00:17:20,053 --> 00:17:23,151 How can we be allowed to feel so much for people 253 00:17:23,153 --> 00:17:25,584 who don't feel anything for us? 254 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,551 You're assuming that you're normal, which is hilarious. 255 00:17:28,553 --> 00:17:31,717 - It's incredibly cruel. - Well, look at it this way. 256 00:17:31,719 --> 00:17:34,985 For a time, you carved out a place in his life when there really shouldn't have been one. 257 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,651 That makes me a dipshit. 258 00:17:36,653 --> 00:17:38,952 I agree. I was just humoring you. 259 00:17:38,954 --> 00:17:40,752 The truth is, from puberty on in, 260 00:17:40,754 --> 00:17:43,052 we should all just be playing defense. 261 00:17:43,054 --> 00:17:45,553 - "On in"? On in to what? - Death. 262 00:17:47,619 --> 00:17:49,085 - Oh, God. - Officer on deck. 263 00:17:49,087 --> 00:17:51,485 - FRANK: So you got to know Mom. - LINDSAY: Plenty well enough. 264 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:52,717 FRANK: So you met her twice. 265 00:17:52,719 --> 00:17:54,885 (GROANS) 266 00:17:54,887 --> 00:17:56,518 Howard. 267 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:00,152 - FRANK: Oh, this fucking guy. - LINDSAY: Who's he with? 268 00:18:00,154 --> 00:18:01,518 FRANK: His girlfriend. 269 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,152 Howard left your mother? 270 00:18:03,154 --> 00:18:06,119 "Left" is not a strong enough word. Fled. 271 00:18:06,121 --> 00:18:08,853 - LINDSAY: For an older woman? - FRANK: He would have left for an otter. 272 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:12,052 - Anyway, leaving is leaving. - No, no. 273 00:18:12,054 --> 00:18:15,618 Leaving for a younger woman is awful, it's horrible. 274 00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:19,418 But leaving for an older woman is perverse. 275 00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:21,652 FRANK: Mom would have been just as angry about a younger one. 276 00:18:21,654 --> 00:18:23,986 LINDSAY: Yeah, but she would've been able to use her age 277 00:18:23,988 --> 00:18:26,920 to rail against a gender-unfair society. 278 00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:29,920 I mean, leaving for a younger woman's the least he could've done. 279 00:18:29,922 --> 00:18:31,920 My father left her for a younger woman. 280 00:18:31,922 --> 00:18:34,553 She can think about that, when she wants to cheer up. 281 00:18:34,555 --> 00:18:37,953 But she and your father eventually made peace though, didn't they? 282 00:18:37,955 --> 00:18:40,120 Yep. Dad jumped out a seventh-floor window, 283 00:18:40,122 --> 00:18:42,020 and Mom considered them all square. 284 00:18:42,022 --> 00:18:43,754 - I'm sorry? - Don't be. 285 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,519 I was not a fan. 286 00:18:45,521 --> 00:18:48,120 Well, you're not a fan of many people, is my sense. 287 00:18:48,122 --> 00:18:49,921 Well, this person shot me, so... 288 00:18:49,923 --> 00:18:52,153 - He shot you? - He did. 289 00:18:52,155 --> 00:18:55,687 He said I was the embodiment of all his bad choices. 290 00:18:55,689 --> 00:18:58,087 - Did it hurt? - Did it hurt? 291 00:18:58,089 --> 00:18:59,854 Is that a serious question? 292 00:18:59,856 --> 00:19:01,754 There's a metal missile going into your body. 293 00:19:01,756 --> 00:19:03,821 Yes, it hurt. It hurt a great deal. 294 00:19:03,823 --> 00:19:05,787 Well, what did you do? 295 00:19:05,789 --> 00:19:06,887 I ran at him. 296 00:19:06,889 --> 00:19:08,754 You ran at him? 297 00:19:08,756 --> 00:19:10,420 Why didn't you run away from him? 298 00:19:10,422 --> 00:19:12,586 That didn't occur to me. I was pissed off. 299 00:19:12,588 --> 00:19:15,087 He tried to shoot me again, but he missed. 300 00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:19,387 I got the gun out of his hand, hit him in the face with it, broke his orbital bone. 301 00:19:19,389 --> 00:19:21,821 - What did he do? - He cried. 302 00:19:21,823 --> 00:19:23,320 Begged me to kill him. I wouldn't. 303 00:19:23,322 --> 00:19:26,487 Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't want to fuck up my life. 304 00:19:26,489 --> 00:19:28,954 I mean, any more than it already was. 305 00:19:28,956 --> 00:19:30,620 Turned out I didn't have to kill him though, 306 00:19:30,622 --> 00:19:33,054 because that night, he jumped. 307 00:19:33,056 --> 00:19:35,620 It's quite a family. 308 00:19:35,622 --> 00:19:37,955 Nobody's arguing. 309 00:19:37,957 --> 00:19:41,955 LINDSAY: You can't call a 78-year-old woman your "girlfriend." 310 00:19:41,957 --> 00:19:43,453 It's ridiculous. 311 00:19:43,455 --> 00:19:44,855 FRANK: What should I call her then? 312 00:19:44,857 --> 00:19:48,855 I don't know. An ossified, pre-dead corpse-friend? 313 00:19:48,857 --> 00:19:51,155 Is that in the politically correct handbook? 314 00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,155 I'm off the clock. 315 00:19:53,157 --> 00:19:55,055 She just needs a little more hair and makeup. 316 00:19:55,057 --> 00:19:57,855 LINDSAY: I think we passed a mortician on the way in. 317 00:19:57,857 --> 00:19:59,555 Travel with her on your arm, 318 00:19:59,557 --> 00:20:02,088 you'd better know where the funeral parlors are at all times. 319 00:20:02,090 --> 00:20:05,388 LINDSAY: And by "On your arm," you mean both figuratively 320 00:20:05,390 --> 00:20:07,955 and for actual physical support. 321 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,521 - I've never met her. - Better hurry. 322 00:20:10,523 --> 00:20:13,055 I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. 323 00:20:13,057 --> 00:20:15,656 LINDSAY: Or whatever the pacemaker says it can have. 324 00:20:15,658 --> 00:20:17,454 FRANK: Apparently, they went to the same college. 325 00:20:17,456 --> 00:20:19,622 She was a senior when he was a freshman. 326 00:20:19,624 --> 00:20:21,923 Well, she's a senior again. 327 00:20:21,925 --> 00:20:23,856 (LAUGHS) 328 00:20:23,858 --> 00:20:27,589 - Are you gonna say hello? - Yep. Are you? 329 00:20:27,591 --> 00:20:29,923 Yep. (CLEARS THROAT) 330 00:20:29,925 --> 00:20:31,756 Have a nice time. 331 00:20:31,758 --> 00:20:36,056 (♫ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND ♫) 332 00:20:36,058 --> 00:20:37,256 (♫ RAP MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING ♫) 333 00:20:37,258 --> 00:20:41,056 ♫ Everybody, everybody Hands in the air ♫ 334 00:20:41,058 --> 00:20:42,923 ♫ We're rocking with the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 335 00:20:42,925 --> 00:20:44,023 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 336 00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:45,058 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 337 00:20:50,558 --> 00:20:52,558 ♫ Rocking with the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 338 00:20:54,457 --> 00:20:55,557 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 339 00:20:55,559 --> 00:20:56,623 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 340 00:20:56,625 --> 00:21:00,422 (GROANS) 341 00:21:00,424 --> 00:21:01,657 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 342 00:21:01,659 --> 00:21:03,623 ♫ Rocking with the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 343 00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:04,723 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 344 00:21:04,725 --> 00:21:06,355 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 345 00:21:06,357 --> 00:21:08,990 ♫ Party will be rocking With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 346 00:21:08,992 --> 00:21:10,623 ♫ Party will be rocking With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 347 00:21:10,625 --> 00:21:12,690 ♫ Party will be rocking With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 348 00:21:12,692 --> 00:21:13,790 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 349 00:21:13,792 --> 00:21:16,057 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 350 00:21:16,059 --> 00:21:17,826 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 351 00:21:19,593 --> 00:21:20,690 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 352 00:21:20,692 --> 00:21:22,092 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 353 00:21:34,458 --> 00:21:35,760 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 354 00:21:37,827 --> 00:21:38,925 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 355 00:21:38,927 --> 00:21:40,691 ♫ With the beats That I'm dropping ♫ 356 00:21:40,693 --> 00:21:43,958 - You okay? - Nope. You? 357 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,060 I'm all fucked up and I always will be. 358 00:21:47,793 --> 00:21:52,793 You think anyone will notice if I... go back to the hotel? 359 00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:55,093 Nope. 360 00:21:55,993 --> 00:21:56,927 Yeah. 361 00:21:58,493 --> 00:21:59,493 All right. 362 00:22:07,093 --> 00:22:08,426 (CHUCKLES) 363 00:22:19,661 --> 00:22:22,559 Psst. 364 00:22:22,561 --> 00:22:26,961 (WHISPERING) I mean, not to throw stones, but he has a lot going on. 365 00:22:28,393 --> 00:22:30,759 I mean... I mean, I know I have mine, 366 00:22:30,761 --> 00:22:33,126 but my father never shot me. 367 00:22:33,128 --> 00:22:36,725 I don't think he ever even touched a gun. 368 00:22:36,727 --> 00:22:40,959 I mean, there was that one time I put those two boxes of Band-Aids 369 00:22:40,961 --> 00:22:45,892 on my doll and he, like, barely patted me. 370 00:22:45,894 --> 00:22:48,626 Like, you couldn't even call it a spanking. 371 00:22:48,628 --> 00:22:53,827 It was like... He was apologizing forever for it. 372 00:22:53,829 --> 00:22:55,061 And he still feels bad. 373 00:22:57,394 --> 00:23:00,493 I mean, seven floors. 374 00:23:00,495 --> 00:23:03,160 I wonder if there was more floors he could of just gone up 375 00:23:03,162 --> 00:23:04,795 so he could die instantly. 376 00:23:05,829 --> 00:23:08,993 Not like... (GROANS) 377 00:23:08,995 --> 00:23:11,027 Can you die... How many... 378 00:23:11,029 --> 00:23:13,095 I don't know. I guess it depends on the building. 379 00:23:14,628 --> 00:23:15,993 Very, very... 380 00:23:15,995 --> 00:23:19,062 Just psychologically, it's just interesting, but... 381 00:23:20,895 --> 00:23:22,927 (MUTTERS, INDISTINCTLY) 382 00:23:22,929 --> 00:23:24,793 WOMAN: (ON TV) You don't think. 383 00:23:24,795 --> 00:23:28,494 He stole from me, from his employer, from Katherine March. 384 00:23:28,496 --> 00:23:31,796 MAN: (ON TV) My wife... I mean my former wife is correct. 385 00:23:33,062 --> 00:23:34,395 I really can paint. 386 00:23:36,863 --> 00:23:39,427 My copies were so bad I had to destroy them. 387 00:23:39,429 --> 00:23:40,930 WOMAN: (ON TV) For God's sake, he's lying. 388 00:23:43,596 --> 00:23:45,830 Because he's left-handed, you idiot. 389 00:23:47,462 --> 00:23:50,028 MAN: (ON TV) He told me Miss March painted them. 390 00:23:50,030 --> 00:23:51,694 - In my expert opinion... - (TV CLICKS OFF) 391 00:23:51,696 --> 00:23:56,563 (SAME TV PROGRAM ECHOING FAINTLY IN NEXT ROOM) 392 00:24:04,163 --> 00:24:08,094 MAN: (ON TV) He said he was going to fix it when he left my place around 2:00 a.m. 393 00:24:08,096 --> 00:24:11,161 That's when I told him... (CONTINUES, INDISTINCTLY) 394 00:24:11,163 --> 00:24:13,628 MAN: (ON TV CONTINUES) So he kills her with my ice pick. 395 00:24:13,630 --> 00:24:16,461 WOMAN: (ON TV) And I heard her say, "'Hello, Johnnie' before she hung up." 396 00:24:16,463 --> 00:24:17,995 MAN: (ON TV) He was there all right. 397 00:24:17,997 --> 00:24:19,628 WOMAN: (ON TV) Well, what I don't understand 398 00:24:19,630 --> 00:24:20,862 is this talk about her being an artist. 399 00:24:20,864 --> 00:24:22,461 I never saw her paint. 400 00:24:22,463 --> 00:24:24,495 MAN: (ON TV) That was one of her peculiar traits. 401 00:24:24,497 --> 00:24:26,430 She never let anyone see her paint. 402 00:24:46,897 --> 00:24:51,129 I would not have guessed, Frank, that you were a man who enjoyed a foot massage. 403 00:24:51,131 --> 00:24:55,996 I'm not. When I saw the complimentary chit in the wedding welcome basket, 404 00:24:55,998 --> 00:24:58,030 I thought, "I don't want that. 405 00:24:58,032 --> 00:25:00,096 I'm not comfortable with other people touching my feet. 406 00:25:00,098 --> 00:25:02,496 I don't see why it's necessary or good." 407 00:25:02,498 --> 00:25:04,529 Then why are you here? 408 00:25:04,531 --> 00:25:06,963 Because it's a $30 value, and throwing it away 409 00:25:06,965 --> 00:25:09,030 would have bothered me even more than this does. 410 00:25:09,032 --> 00:25:10,429 So, you're cheap. 411 00:25:10,431 --> 00:25:11,896 Oh, I'm way worse than cheap, 412 00:25:11,898 --> 00:25:14,430 especially when it comes to free shit... I hoard free shit. 413 00:25:14,432 --> 00:25:15,963 Especially the gray-area free shit, 414 00:25:15,965 --> 00:25:19,096 like the nail files and disposable slippers in the hotel room. 415 00:25:19,098 --> 00:25:20,763 "Gray area." 416 00:25:20,765 --> 00:25:22,763 I tell myself that they want me to take it, 417 00:25:22,765 --> 00:25:24,463 that I'm intended to take it. 418 00:25:24,465 --> 00:25:25,863 Do you take the shoehorns? 419 00:25:25,865 --> 00:25:27,664 Not the long ones, only the short ones. 420 00:25:27,666 --> 00:25:30,996 Well, that's not a gray area, that's theft. You're a thief. 421 00:25:30,998 --> 00:25:34,463 Do you take the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash? 422 00:25:34,465 --> 00:25:36,797 I used to, but then one leaked in my suitcase. 423 00:25:36,799 --> 00:25:39,463 Huh. What about the soaps? 424 00:25:39,465 --> 00:25:41,064 Not the round soaps wrapped in paper. 425 00:25:41,066 --> 00:25:43,797 But the bigger ones, in the boxes? Yes, I do. 426 00:25:43,799 --> 00:25:47,764 So, you're a minor person with grubby hands. 427 00:25:47,766 --> 00:25:50,697 I don't understand how, even after Keith did what he did to you, 428 00:25:50,699 --> 00:25:52,964 and even in the midst of the shame of being here, 429 00:25:52,966 --> 00:25:55,464 you can possibly still be mooning over him. 430 00:25:55,466 --> 00:25:56,964 That's because you're a monkey 431 00:25:56,966 --> 00:25:59,464 who doesn't understand the human condition. 432 00:25:59,466 --> 00:26:01,398 Having met you, I understand why it's a condition. 433 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:02,797 You don't stop loving a person 434 00:26:02,799 --> 00:26:05,031 just because they injure you. 435 00:26:05,033 --> 00:26:06,464 It helps. 436 00:26:06,466 --> 00:26:09,097 - Well, love is not rational. - Clearly. 437 00:26:09,099 --> 00:26:10,931 But how could you even like Keith? 438 00:26:10,933 --> 00:26:13,665 - I never said I liked him. - Then how can you love him? 439 00:26:13,667 --> 00:26:15,665 Love has nothing to do with like. 440 00:26:15,667 --> 00:26:18,998 - Healthy people would disagree. - Healthy people are sick. 441 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,464 Isn't there a part of you that just wants to wish him well and move on? 442 00:26:22,466 --> 00:26:26,098 Mmm... Most of me wants him to be found in an icy river. 443 00:26:26,100 --> 00:26:29,464 It makes no sense to want the person you love to be dead. 444 00:26:29,466 --> 00:26:31,798 Because then you'd have no one left to love except yourself. 445 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,067 Which, in your case, would be unrequited. 446 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:39,132 - I really don't want him dead. - Good. 447 00:26:39,134 --> 00:26:42,399 I want him to have a long life, during which he is miserable every single day 448 00:26:42,401 --> 00:26:44,865 before slowly dying of regret. 449 00:26:44,867 --> 00:26:47,766 There are seven billion people in the world. 450 00:26:47,768 --> 00:26:49,865 So when one of them behaves badly toward you, 451 00:26:49,867 --> 00:26:52,799 he's actually doing you a great favor because he's saving you time. 452 00:26:52,801 --> 00:26:55,165 He's telling you that he's not worth your while. 453 00:26:55,167 --> 00:26:57,632 He's freeing you to say, "Thank you for the information. 454 00:26:57,634 --> 00:27:05,099 I will now move on to the 6,999,999,999 other people, 455 00:27:05,101 --> 00:27:07,933 some of whom may have some value." 456 00:27:07,935 --> 00:27:09,666 And is that what you've done, Frank? 457 00:27:09,668 --> 00:27:11,999 Just sifted, calmly and sensibly, 458 00:27:12,001 --> 00:27:15,465 through the entire population, searching for your soul mate? 459 00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:18,599 No, I have opted out, which makes me uniquely qualified 460 00:27:18,601 --> 00:27:20,500 to observe and comment on your situation. 461 00:27:20,502 --> 00:27:21,968 Oh, I am so lucky. 462 00:27:23,535 --> 00:27:25,866 - It was a long time ago. - Not an eternity. 463 00:27:25,868 --> 00:27:29,999 - You were both very young. - Old enough to know right from wrong. 464 00:27:30,001 --> 00:27:32,400 Incidentally, I spoke to the bride last night. 465 00:27:32,402 --> 00:27:35,500 Oh, she does not have the sense God gave a toaster. 466 00:27:35,502 --> 00:27:38,767 She's a moron, and her breasts were built on a medical bench. 467 00:27:38,769 --> 00:27:42,167 But she said to tell you that she hopes you can be friends. 468 00:27:42,169 --> 00:27:43,834 You talked about me? 469 00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:45,500 She didn't give you a lot of airtime. 470 00:27:45,502 --> 00:27:47,633 She has trouble stringing sentences together. 471 00:27:47,635 --> 00:27:49,567 And she uses a lot of personal pronouns, 472 00:27:49,569 --> 00:27:51,767 so you're not always quite sure who she's talking about. 473 00:27:51,769 --> 00:27:53,633 Well done, Keith. 474 00:27:53,635 --> 00:27:57,667 But if it helps, she said she's not threatened by you. 475 00:27:57,669 --> 00:28:00,633 Yes, that helps tremendously. 476 00:28:00,635 --> 00:28:02,134 At least I think she was talking about you. 477 00:28:02,136 --> 00:28:03,700 (SIGHS) 478 00:28:03,702 --> 00:28:07,767 She said "her." I'm pretty sure she meant you. 479 00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:11,601 - Wow. What do you care anyway? - I don't. 480 00:28:11,603 --> 00:28:14,568 I'm just trying to amuse myself and get to tomorrow. 481 00:28:14,570 --> 00:28:16,937 Do you care about anything? 482 00:28:18,703 --> 00:28:20,937 How many times in your life have you been in love? 483 00:28:22,103 --> 00:28:23,868 Once. 484 00:28:23,870 --> 00:28:25,403 What was it like? 485 00:28:42,770 --> 00:28:45,801 How does anybody drink wine at 11:00 in the morning? 486 00:28:45,803 --> 00:28:47,535 It's a winery, Frank. 487 00:28:47,537 --> 00:28:50,535 Haven't you ever given out a Car of the Year award at 11:00? 488 00:28:50,537 --> 00:28:51,937 I can still taste toothpaste. 489 00:28:54,737 --> 00:28:57,669 - You were absolutely right. - What did you say? 490 00:28:57,671 --> 00:29:00,535 A destination wedding is presumptuous. 491 00:29:00,537 --> 00:29:02,769 "Please drag your carcass hundreds of miles 492 00:29:02,771 --> 00:29:05,002 to excessively celebrate our happiness." 493 00:29:05,004 --> 00:29:07,569 Yeah. "Because our wedding is so special, 494 00:29:07,571 --> 00:29:09,836 it needs to be an epic imposition." 495 00:29:09,838 --> 00:29:13,468 "It's far too important to celebrate in anybody's shit-ass hometown." 496 00:29:13,470 --> 00:29:17,469 "Or on one calendar day. So kindly give up your entire weekend." 497 00:29:17,471 --> 00:29:20,503 "And spend a fuck-ton of your own money, over and above the gift." 498 00:29:20,505 --> 00:29:22,603 I bet you loved the minibar prices. 499 00:29:22,605 --> 00:29:23,938 It's like 80 cents per cashew. 500 00:29:26,072 --> 00:29:27,769 FRANK: What's hilarious is that these two 501 00:29:27,771 --> 00:29:30,436 have no idea they're in a fool's paradise. 502 00:29:30,438 --> 00:29:32,503 You really think that? 503 00:29:32,505 --> 00:29:35,670 I've spent most of my life dodging the shrapnel from my mother's marriages, 504 00:29:35,672 --> 00:29:39,103 both of which started with smiles as big as theirs. 505 00:29:39,105 --> 00:29:41,037 Some marriages work out. 506 00:29:41,039 --> 00:29:43,536 Yes, and some people have six fingers. 507 00:29:43,538 --> 00:29:45,536 So I'm guessing you're single. 508 00:29:45,538 --> 00:29:47,670 I decided to learn from my parents' mistakes. 509 00:29:47,672 --> 00:29:49,937 It's a form of evolution. 510 00:29:49,939 --> 00:29:53,670 Yeah, but you can't blame people for believing their own lives will be different. 511 00:29:53,672 --> 00:29:57,437 Yes, I can. It's incredibly egotistical. 512 00:29:57,439 --> 00:30:00,903 It might help you to consider the idea that heartbreak is pointless, 513 00:30:00,905 --> 00:30:02,603 because if you had wound up with the person, 514 00:30:02,605 --> 00:30:05,437 eventually, you would've been miserable anyway. 515 00:30:05,439 --> 00:30:07,504 Actually that does help, thank you. 516 00:30:07,506 --> 00:30:10,071 No problem. 517 00:30:10,073 --> 00:30:12,970 But don't you believe there's someone for everyone? 518 00:30:12,972 --> 00:30:14,437 Close. 519 00:30:14,439 --> 00:30:16,940 I believe that there's nobody for anyone. 520 00:30:21,439 --> 00:30:24,539 (PEOPLE CHATTERING, LAUGHING) 521 00:30:34,107 --> 00:30:37,571 I wish your mother and Howard's corpse-friend were playing. 522 00:30:37,573 --> 00:30:41,405 They could try and dislodge each other's tunnel catheters. 523 00:30:41,407 --> 00:30:43,405 Have you talked to the corpse-friend? 524 00:30:43,407 --> 00:30:47,105 Briefly. She's dull, and she needs a week at depilatory camp. 525 00:30:47,107 --> 00:30:50,438 - Maybe she's rich. - I sure hope so. 526 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:51,540 MAN: Get her! 527 00:30:53,607 --> 00:30:55,572 Do you ever think it's a crutch though, 528 00:30:55,574 --> 00:30:57,839 blaming your mother and father for everything? 529 00:30:57,841 --> 00:30:59,605 When did crutches get a bad name? 530 00:30:59,607 --> 00:31:01,172 When you have a broken leg, you need a crutch. 531 00:31:01,174 --> 00:31:03,705 In fact, it would be stupid not to have a crutch. 532 00:31:03,707 --> 00:31:06,006 Well, yeah, but broken legs heal. 533 00:31:06,008 --> 00:31:08,405 I mean don't you have a responsibility to yourself 534 00:31:08,407 --> 00:31:12,438 to eventually cast aside the crutches and meet new challenges? 535 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:14,705 If the parent-child bond is diseased, 536 00:31:14,707 --> 00:31:18,872 you have a better chance of being a sociopath than of being well-adjusted. 537 00:31:18,874 --> 00:31:20,872 I consider it a triumph of the will 538 00:31:20,874 --> 00:31:24,439 that there aren't shallow graves dotting my backyard. 539 00:31:24,441 --> 00:31:27,805 Besides, who are you to talk? 540 00:31:27,807 --> 00:31:32,140 Simple heartbreak like yours should be, relatively speaking, a piece of cake to get over. 541 00:31:32,142 --> 00:31:34,073 Well, it's not. 542 00:31:34,075 --> 00:31:37,739 I'd rather be strong and ruined than weak and ruined. 543 00:31:37,741 --> 00:31:40,673 I'm not weak. I just have hope. 544 00:31:40,675 --> 00:31:42,606 That's the same thing. 545 00:31:42,608 --> 00:31:44,076 - (LOUD SMACK) - (MEN LAUGHING) 546 00:31:58,641 --> 00:32:02,606 How do you not install steps or a pathway for this shit? 547 00:32:02,608 --> 00:32:04,773 They warned us. It was in the Welcome Basket. 548 00:32:04,775 --> 00:32:06,773 This is a fucking liability nightmare. 549 00:32:06,775 --> 00:32:09,041 That's right, sue Keith again. 550 00:32:09,043 --> 00:32:11,107 Can't we just get the van to drive us up? 551 00:32:11,109 --> 00:32:13,740 - We're going 90 feet. - Well, the heels won't make it. 552 00:32:13,742 --> 00:32:15,740 Then take them off until we get there. 553 00:32:15,742 --> 00:32:18,107 - I just got a foot massage. - So? 554 00:32:18,109 --> 00:32:21,540 I'm not gonna show up at my ex-fiancé's wedding with dirty feet. 555 00:32:21,542 --> 00:32:24,042 You can clean them off at the grape wash. 556 00:32:24,044 --> 00:32:26,874 - Can't you just carry me, please? - What? 557 00:32:26,876 --> 00:32:30,008 - I can't believe I have to ask. - What? 558 00:32:30,010 --> 00:32:32,540 - It's 90 feet. - How much do you weigh? 559 00:32:32,542 --> 00:32:34,774 - Frank. - I don't want to shed my mortal coil. 560 00:32:34,776 --> 00:32:36,944 Well, if that happens, you can put me down. 561 00:32:46,110 --> 00:32:48,575 - (LINDSAY GRUNTS) - (FRANK COUGHS) 562 00:32:48,577 --> 00:32:50,774 You have a high, specific gravity. 563 00:32:50,776 --> 00:32:52,575 Yeah, dense bones. 564 00:32:52,577 --> 00:32:54,741 Really deceptive avoirdupois. 565 00:32:54,743 --> 00:32:57,474 This is the slowest I've ever been carried. 566 00:32:57,476 --> 00:32:59,042 Oh, dear God, be quiet. 567 00:32:59,044 --> 00:33:00,775 Can you just let me off at the top though, 568 00:33:00,777 --> 00:33:02,808 so no one sees that you carried me? 569 00:33:02,810 --> 00:33:06,641 Why? Maybe Keith will get jealous and rethink everything. 570 00:33:06,643 --> 00:33:08,775 Keith has forgotten I'm here. 571 00:33:08,777 --> 00:33:10,078 (FRANK GRUNTING) 572 00:33:14,145 --> 00:33:15,078 FRANK: Fuck me. 573 00:33:22,945 --> 00:33:26,109 (SIGHS) It's 800 degrees. 574 00:33:26,111 --> 00:33:28,509 Why is the minister in a seersucker suit? 575 00:33:28,511 --> 00:33:29,709 LINDSAY: Because he's not a minister. 576 00:33:29,711 --> 00:33:31,076 He's Keith's friend from college. 577 00:33:31,078 --> 00:33:32,943 Levy, I think his name is. 578 00:33:32,945 --> 00:33:35,043 - Kaplan? - Kaplan, right. 579 00:33:35,045 --> 00:33:37,409 - Is he wearing makeup? - Always. 580 00:33:37,411 --> 00:33:39,709 Usually the Nars Radiant Creamy. 581 00:33:39,711 --> 00:33:41,576 If memory serves, he's gay. 582 00:33:41,578 --> 00:33:45,776 The correct term is "Effeminate American." And actually he's pansexual. 583 00:33:45,778 --> 00:33:47,176 What does that mean? 584 00:33:47,178 --> 00:33:49,110 He's attracted to all genders, 585 00:33:49,112 --> 00:33:51,910 gender identities, and sexual orientations. 586 00:33:51,912 --> 00:33:53,944 - Come on. - I'm telling you. 587 00:33:53,946 --> 00:33:55,742 How'd he get the gig? 588 00:33:55,744 --> 00:33:57,475 He fucked the bride and the groom. 589 00:33:57,477 --> 00:34:00,077 - Which was, like, no big deal. - Vanilla. 590 00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:02,609 I mean, because he would fuck, for example, a man who believes he's a woman? 591 00:34:02,611 --> 00:34:04,144 Absolutely. 592 00:34:04,146 --> 00:34:07,010 Or a straight woman who believes she's actually a gay man? 593 00:34:07,012 --> 00:34:09,110 - Not a day goes by. - What about hermaphrodites? 594 00:34:09,112 --> 00:34:10,677 LINDSAY: You'd have to think. 595 00:34:10,679 --> 00:34:12,877 FRANK: They just let anyone officiate at weddings? 596 00:34:12,879 --> 00:34:16,643 Not anyone. You need a credit card and an Internet connection. 597 00:34:16,645 --> 00:34:19,977 - You researched this? - Oh, I researched everything. 598 00:34:19,979 --> 00:34:21,945 I knew where we would buy a house, 599 00:34:21,947 --> 00:34:24,945 where our kids would be born, where they'd go to school. 600 00:34:24,947 --> 00:34:26,679 I knew where we'd be buried. 601 00:34:29,813 --> 00:34:32,845 Do you become a clergyman in an online church of some sort? 602 00:34:32,847 --> 00:34:34,978 No, you can just do weddings. 603 00:34:34,980 --> 00:34:37,078 - Not baptisms? - No. 604 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:40,111 - Funerals? Bar Mitzvahs? - Just weddings. 605 00:34:40,113 --> 00:34:43,878 - How many believers does he have? - No believers. No congregation. 606 00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:47,045 - Does his church preach that there's a heaven? - Ain't got no church. 607 00:34:47,047 --> 00:34:50,744 Why would anyone have my mother as the maid of honor? 608 00:34:50,746 --> 00:34:54,644 LINDSAY: I don't know. It's like having the Grim Reaper at your CAT scan. 609 00:34:54,646 --> 00:34:58,544 If I had a nickel for every time she said to me, "I am not your maid." 610 00:34:58,546 --> 00:35:02,178 - Was she born during the Great Depression? - No, she caused it. 611 00:35:02,180 --> 00:35:04,611 - You know who I feel sorry for? - Yourself? 612 00:35:04,613 --> 00:35:06,111 Anne's father. 613 00:35:06,113 --> 00:35:08,644 Why? He's the only one here who wasn't married to my mother. 614 00:35:08,646 --> 00:35:13,846 Because once upon a time, he was the Most Important Male Person In Anne's Life, 615 00:35:13,848 --> 00:35:16,812 the "M.P.I.A.L." if you will. 616 00:35:16,814 --> 00:35:19,112 I will, but only if I have to. 617 00:35:19,114 --> 00:35:22,544 It's dangerous for a father to pass that mantle. 618 00:35:22,546 --> 00:35:25,912 Just because he's Danish doesn't mean he was fucking his own daughter. 619 00:35:25,914 --> 00:35:29,179 In a very real sense, by virtue of cultivating 620 00:35:29,181 --> 00:35:33,579 a healthy, loving relationship with her, showing her, day after day, 621 00:35:33,581 --> 00:35:36,079 year after year, how a good man should comport himself, 622 00:35:36,081 --> 00:35:38,813 he's been preparing her whole life for marriage. 623 00:35:38,815 --> 00:35:41,412 - To Keith. - Exactly. 624 00:35:41,414 --> 00:35:43,713 LINDSAY: That's the lamb to the slaughter right there. 625 00:35:43,715 --> 00:35:47,179 She and her dad have been leading with their chins, cruising for a bruising. 626 00:35:47,181 --> 00:35:49,412 Asking for it. It's a total sucker play. 627 00:35:49,414 --> 00:35:50,913 Or so you've heard. 628 00:35:50,915 --> 00:35:53,113 There's a sucker that reaches age of consent every minute. 629 00:35:53,115 --> 00:35:56,512 When Keith turns out to be the mythic jerk that he is, 630 00:35:56,514 --> 00:36:00,080 all of her carefully curated self-esteem will be destroyed, 631 00:36:00,082 --> 00:36:03,515 a father will have lost a daughter, and where will she be? 632 00:36:04,581 --> 00:36:06,446 Right here with the rest of us. 633 00:36:06,448 --> 00:36:09,815 (♫ BAND PLAYING BALLAD ♫) 634 00:36:28,916 --> 00:36:30,615 I used to love this song. 635 00:36:31,950 --> 00:36:34,081 Do you want to dance? 636 00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:35,816 - I said "used to." - Fine. 637 00:36:37,916 --> 00:36:40,513 - Why, do you want to dance? - Of course not, I hate dancing. 638 00:36:40,515 --> 00:36:42,914 It's moronic and a complete waste of time. 639 00:36:42,916 --> 00:36:45,714 You're not that busy. 640 00:36:45,716 --> 00:36:49,048 I just thought maybe you wanted to dance to get your mind off things. 641 00:36:49,050 --> 00:36:51,181 I don't and it wouldn't. 642 00:36:51,183 --> 00:36:54,715 Fine. I said fine. 643 00:36:54,717 --> 00:36:56,684 Neither of us wants to fucking dance. 644 00:36:59,150 --> 00:37:01,081 (GUESTS WHOOPING) 645 00:37:01,083 --> 00:37:04,549 I can't help but hope Keith tears a hip muscle. 646 00:37:13,951 --> 00:37:15,817 Can we take a walk? 647 00:37:17,817 --> 00:37:20,350 (GUESTS CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 648 00:37:42,651 --> 00:37:44,850 - FRANK: How are the shoes? - LINDSAY: They're fine. 649 00:37:44,852 --> 00:37:47,115 I didn't really want to go through the whole entire selection, 650 00:37:47,117 --> 00:37:50,649 but I have weird arches on my mom's side. 651 00:37:50,651 --> 00:37:52,649 - So they're good. - Yeah. 652 00:37:52,651 --> 00:37:54,183 Okay. 653 00:37:54,185 --> 00:37:56,616 You know after the whole thing with Keith, 654 00:37:56,618 --> 00:38:00,583 - I was diagnosed with PTSD. - Rich person's PTSD. 655 00:38:00,585 --> 00:38:03,548 - Privileged person's PTSD. - Okay, I do know what you're saying. 656 00:38:03,550 --> 00:38:05,449 This is why people hate the top one percent. 657 00:38:05,451 --> 00:38:08,183 - I am not the top one percent. - Neither am I. 658 00:38:08,185 --> 00:38:11,550 When people talk about the top one percent like it's home, 659 00:38:11,552 --> 00:38:13,016 it drives me fucking crazy. 660 00:38:13,018 --> 00:38:14,783 You know who's actually in the top one percent 661 00:38:14,785 --> 00:38:16,684 are the assholes that run the companies 662 00:38:16,686 --> 00:38:18,916 that I prosecute and you reward. 663 00:38:18,918 --> 00:38:21,784 Top ten, top 20 percent, whatever it is. 664 00:38:21,786 --> 00:38:23,951 The segment of society that doesn't have to worry 665 00:38:23,953 --> 00:38:27,051 about basic things like food, clothing, shelter, transportation, 666 00:38:27,053 --> 00:38:28,784 or getting shot by the police. 667 00:38:28,786 --> 00:38:30,449 So we're not allowed to have problems? 668 00:38:30,451 --> 00:38:32,617 We're allowed to have them, but no one is interested in them. 669 00:38:32,619 --> 00:38:35,051 And I don't blame them, I'm not even interested. 670 00:38:35,053 --> 00:38:38,084 We're trite, trivial, tiresome, tone-deaf narcissists. 671 00:38:38,086 --> 00:38:40,750 I never said I wasn't a tone-deaf narcissist. 672 00:38:40,752 --> 00:38:42,684 - The optics are very bad. - Nobody's looking. 673 00:38:42,686 --> 00:38:44,017 We should keep our shit to ourselves. 674 00:38:44,019 --> 00:38:46,151 We are keeping it to ourselves. 675 00:38:46,153 --> 00:38:50,417 Besides, it's human nature to find pain in any situation, however relatively fortunate. 676 00:38:50,419 --> 00:38:52,551 That doesn't make it listenable. 677 00:38:52,553 --> 00:38:56,117 Well, I'm sorry if my brand of pain is out of vogue, but it's all I got. 678 00:38:56,119 --> 00:38:58,685 It would be so much more interesting and fantastic 679 00:38:58,687 --> 00:39:00,951 if we had been fondled by priests 680 00:39:00,953 --> 00:39:03,885 or lost a leg but could still feel it or something. 681 00:39:03,887 --> 00:39:05,651 (LINDSAY LAUGHS) 682 00:39:05,653 --> 00:39:09,450 LINDSAY: My theory about myself is that my soma 683 00:39:09,452 --> 00:39:13,585 is sending me a Darwinian message telling me, 684 00:39:13,587 --> 00:39:16,852 "Hey, you're unfit to pass your DNA on to future generations, 685 00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:18,885 so you should just select out." 686 00:39:18,887 --> 00:39:21,651 Well, just keep doing what you're doing. 687 00:39:21,653 --> 00:39:24,052 But I have so much to give. 688 00:39:24,054 --> 00:39:25,687 Not really. 689 00:39:27,020 --> 00:39:29,718 (GASPS) Holy shit, Frank. What is that? 690 00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:31,451 - (GROWLING) - I think it's a mountain lion. 691 00:39:31,453 --> 00:39:34,719 - Could it be a jaguar? - I don't know. I'm not a zookeeper. 692 00:39:34,721 --> 00:39:36,752 It's too big for an ocelot or a bearcat, 693 00:39:36,754 --> 00:39:38,752 but too small for a panther, I think. 694 00:39:38,754 --> 00:39:41,152 What the fuck difference does it make what it is? It's a fucking predator cat. 695 00:39:41,154 --> 00:39:42,719 - A cougar, maybe? - (CAT SNARLING) 696 00:39:42,721 --> 00:39:44,819 - Jesus Christ. - I don't know what you're worried about. 697 00:39:44,821 --> 00:39:46,519 - It's gonna go for me. - Why? 698 00:39:46,521 --> 00:39:48,752 I saw a thing. They pick out the smallest of the herd. 699 00:39:48,754 --> 00:39:50,086 We're not a herd, we're wedding guests. 700 00:39:50,088 --> 00:39:52,119 I'm telling you, you're safe if you just run. 701 00:39:52,121 --> 00:39:53,586 You run. I'll stay here and fight. 702 00:39:53,588 --> 00:39:55,053 Uh, yeah, but I'm not a sprinter. 703 00:39:55,055 --> 00:39:57,819 I run for distance, so it gives me a certain clarity... 704 00:39:57,821 --> 00:39:59,452 - Yes, all right. - (ROARS) 705 00:39:59,454 --> 00:40:00,786 You run. I'll stay here and fight. 706 00:40:00,788 --> 00:40:03,019 How about if we both run and nobody stays and fights? 707 00:40:03,021 --> 00:40:04,719 Neither one of us can outrun a cheetah. 708 00:40:04,721 --> 00:40:06,520 It's not a fucking cheetah. We're not in Africa. 709 00:40:06,522 --> 00:40:08,686 They're also in Iran, I think it said. 710 00:40:08,688 --> 00:40:10,153 They won't even hear us scream. 711 00:40:10,155 --> 00:40:11,953 I hate those fucking people. 712 00:40:11,955 --> 00:40:14,553 - (SNARLING) - On the plus side, you'll be ruining Keith's wedding. 713 00:40:14,555 --> 00:40:17,086 - That's true. - Unless they don't find us for weeks. 714 00:40:17,088 --> 00:40:19,919 And then only in pieces, some of which were brought back to its lair. 715 00:40:19,921 --> 00:40:21,553 (ROARING) 716 00:40:21,555 --> 00:40:23,186 Last chance on the running. 717 00:40:23,188 --> 00:40:26,153 I can't believe you're the last human person I'm ever gonna talk to. 718 00:40:26,155 --> 00:40:27,720 There might be EMTs. 719 00:40:27,722 --> 00:40:30,520 Yeah, but I might be a hemophiliac. 720 00:40:30,522 --> 00:40:32,520 Might be? Don't you know that already? 721 00:40:32,522 --> 00:40:36,486 Well, no, because you can get things as an adult, like adult onset asthma. 722 00:40:36,488 --> 00:40:38,789 - My friend Suzanne has that... - (HISSING, HOCKING PHLEGM) 723 00:40:41,455 --> 00:40:43,087 - (HOCKING PHLEGM) - (SNARLS) 724 00:40:43,089 --> 00:40:50,020 (HOCKING PHLEGM) 725 00:40:50,022 --> 00:40:51,653 - (ROARS) - (HOCKING PHLEGM) 726 00:40:51,655 --> 00:40:53,521 (WHIMPERS) 727 00:40:53,523 --> 00:40:54,621 (HOCKING PHLEGM) 728 00:40:54,623 --> 00:40:57,154 - Now we run! - Oh! 729 00:40:57,156 --> 00:40:59,554 - That was good, Frank. - My throat is really raw. 730 00:40:59,556 --> 00:41:00,954 LINDSAY: But why are we still running? 731 00:41:00,956 --> 00:41:02,321 FRANK: Because I don't think it's a bad idea 732 00:41:02,323 --> 00:41:05,154 to put as much distance between us and the mountain lion as possible. 733 00:41:05,156 --> 00:41:06,654 LINDSAY: It might've been a lynx! 734 00:41:06,656 --> 00:41:07,955 FRANK: It would be so ironic if I strangled you. 735 00:41:07,957 --> 00:41:10,187 Why do you have to ruin a nice moment! 736 00:41:10,189 --> 00:41:13,788 - LINDSAY: Ow! - FRANK: Ah, fuck! Ah, fuck! 737 00:41:13,790 --> 00:41:16,855 - LINDSAY: Ow! Ow! - FRANK: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! 738 00:41:16,857 --> 00:41:18,123 FRANK: Ah! 739 00:41:20,423 --> 00:41:22,356 Okay. Oh. 740 00:41:25,190 --> 00:41:27,457 For the record, you ruined the moment, not me. 741 00:41:30,857 --> 00:41:32,424 Lindsay? 742 00:41:33,756 --> 00:41:35,090 Lindsay? 743 00:41:37,457 --> 00:41:41,422 I'm fine! For God's sake. Jesus. 744 00:41:41,424 --> 00:41:44,822 - Great. - I just had the wind knocked out of me. 745 00:41:44,824 --> 00:41:46,722 Okay, good. 746 00:41:46,724 --> 00:41:50,056 It was good, because you didn't have the first clue what you were doing. 747 00:41:50,058 --> 00:41:52,889 Hey, it's been a while since health class. 748 00:41:52,891 --> 00:41:55,789 Yeah, well, if you thought I had a cervical injury, 749 00:41:55,791 --> 00:41:58,089 the last thing you're supposed to do is flip a person over 750 00:41:58,091 --> 00:42:00,022 like a fuckin' pancake. 751 00:42:00,024 --> 00:42:04,689 - I'm sorry. - But on the other hand, you did save me. 752 00:42:04,691 --> 00:42:05,889 Us. 753 00:42:05,891 --> 00:42:08,622 I told you, it would have gone for me. 754 00:42:08,624 --> 00:42:11,423 Why did you do that? Why did you save me? 755 00:42:11,425 --> 00:42:12,124 I didn't save you. 756 00:42:13,525 --> 00:42:15,056 Why did you save me? 757 00:42:15,058 --> 00:42:16,590 Because I'm an idiot. 758 00:42:16,592 --> 00:42:19,989 - You could've died. - Of idiocy. 759 00:42:19,991 --> 00:42:21,958 Don't tell me you're secretly noble. 760 00:42:22,924 --> 00:42:24,122 I'm not. 761 00:42:24,124 --> 00:42:25,489 But I thought, "Maybe she's right. 762 00:42:25,491 --> 00:42:26,857 Maybe hers is the life in danger. 763 00:42:26,859 --> 00:42:29,556 She seems to know fuckin' everything." 764 00:42:29,558 --> 00:42:33,023 And I didn't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life about not having saved you. 765 00:42:33,025 --> 00:42:34,656 I get that. 766 00:42:34,658 --> 00:42:38,423 - I didn't want to think of myself as selfish. - Frank. 767 00:42:38,425 --> 00:42:42,523 As that selfish. Not on top of everything else I already think about myself. 768 00:42:42,525 --> 00:42:44,823 Copy you. 769 00:42:44,825 --> 00:42:47,424 'Cause it's not like I have so much to live for. 770 00:42:47,426 --> 00:42:49,592 Yeah, well, that's true. 771 00:42:50,925 --> 00:42:52,426 Well, anyway, thank you. 772 00:42:59,559 --> 00:43:01,157 What the fuck, Frank? 773 00:43:01,159 --> 00:43:02,791 I'm sorry. I don't know what that was. 774 00:43:02,793 --> 00:43:05,059 Neither do I, for fuck's sake. Jesus. 775 00:43:08,926 --> 00:43:11,024 - Goddamn it! - I'm sorry. 776 00:43:11,026 --> 00:43:13,593 - What is wrong with you? - I don't know. 777 00:43:19,193 --> 00:43:20,791 What the fuck? 778 00:43:20,793 --> 00:43:22,093 Let's just... Come on. 779 00:43:24,826 --> 00:43:25,793 Mmm. 780 00:43:28,759 --> 00:43:30,960 - (GROANS) - Can't... Just put it on... 781 00:43:33,659 --> 00:43:35,625 I'm sorry. 782 00:43:35,627 --> 00:43:38,958 (PANTING) I'm sorry, it's just very difficult 783 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:41,859 for me to give myself over to any sort of positive activity. 784 00:43:41,861 --> 00:43:45,124 Yeah. Especially this one. 785 00:43:45,126 --> 00:43:47,158 It makes me think about how long I've gone without it, 786 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:49,124 which makes me want to kill myself. 787 00:43:49,126 --> 00:43:52,491 Yeah, well, I've been pretty sure for a very long time 788 00:43:52,493 --> 00:43:54,959 that life is essentially a horrible experience, 789 00:43:54,961 --> 00:43:56,925 and I really don't need this kind of confusion. 790 00:43:56,927 --> 00:43:58,725 - And pressure. - Yeah. 791 00:43:58,727 --> 00:43:59,892 I mean, if it all sucks, then fuck it, 792 00:43:59,894 --> 00:44:02,925 but if it doesn't all suck, then there's so much pressure. 793 00:44:02,927 --> 00:44:04,625 Yeah. 794 00:44:04,627 --> 00:44:06,992 God, do you even know how long it's been 795 00:44:06,994 --> 00:44:10,658 since I've been touched with affection by another human being? 796 00:44:10,660 --> 00:44:12,825 How about without affection? 797 00:44:12,827 --> 00:44:14,692 (SIGHS) Nearly as long. 798 00:44:14,694 --> 00:44:18,626 I tell you right now, I haven't felt pleasure since about 2006. 799 00:44:18,628 --> 00:44:21,025 Sometimes, I feel the absence of pain, 800 00:44:21,027 --> 00:44:23,492 which at this point feels like pleasure, 801 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,961 or at least pleasure's little cousin. 802 00:44:26,895 --> 00:44:28,526 I don't have protection. 803 00:44:28,528 --> 00:44:29,659 Well, why would you? 804 00:44:29,661 --> 00:44:32,026 I mean, why would you have a condom today? 805 00:44:32,028 --> 00:44:34,593 What are the odds? Astronomical. 806 00:44:34,595 --> 00:44:37,726 - What if you got pregnant? - I'm sure my womb is hostile. 807 00:44:37,728 --> 00:44:40,459 Having sex right now would be irresponsible. 808 00:44:40,461 --> 00:44:42,126 Well, who cares? 809 00:44:42,128 --> 00:44:44,461 I mean, how much worse can things get? 810 00:44:45,928 --> 00:44:47,860 - Okay. - Yeah? 811 00:44:47,862 --> 00:44:48,962 Okay. 812 00:45:00,895 --> 00:45:02,527 Okay. 813 00:45:02,529 --> 00:45:05,594 - (SIGHS) - Okay. 814 00:45:05,596 --> 00:45:07,161 Okay. 815 00:45:07,163 --> 00:45:09,527 All right. 816 00:45:09,529 --> 00:45:10,894 (CLEARS THROAT) 817 00:45:10,896 --> 00:45:13,796 (GROANS) Yeah, yeah, yeah... 818 00:45:23,063 --> 00:45:23,996 Okay. 819 00:45:27,596 --> 00:45:28,660 How's that? 820 00:45:28,662 --> 00:45:30,027 That's fine. 821 00:45:30,029 --> 00:45:32,461 (GROANS) 822 00:45:32,463 --> 00:45:35,461 Do you think the mountain lion will be attracted to the musk? 823 00:45:35,463 --> 00:45:37,428 I think it was a puma. 824 00:45:37,430 --> 00:45:38,528 (GROANS) 825 00:45:38,530 --> 00:45:39,927 How is it now? 826 00:45:39,929 --> 00:45:43,695 It feels strange yet pleasantly familiar, 827 00:45:43,697 --> 00:45:47,130 kind of like coming off a long diet or going back to smoking. 828 00:45:49,063 --> 00:45:50,862 How about now? 829 00:45:50,864 --> 00:45:52,695 Do you have any diseases? 830 00:45:52,697 --> 00:45:54,028 Of course not. 831 00:45:54,030 --> 00:45:56,028 I missed every possible sexual revolution. 832 00:45:56,030 --> 00:45:58,661 The first one, the one after Tinder, 833 00:45:58,663 --> 00:46:01,196 - the one after Caitlyn Jenner... - Me, too. 834 00:46:01,198 --> 00:46:04,163 (BOTH MOANING) 835 00:46:04,165 --> 00:46:05,795 Crabs. 836 00:46:05,797 --> 00:46:07,728 You have crabs? 837 00:46:07,730 --> 00:46:09,062 No, actual crabs. 838 00:46:09,064 --> 00:46:10,628 Over there. 839 00:46:10,630 --> 00:46:12,828 Those aren't crabs, those are tarantulas. 840 00:46:12,830 --> 00:46:13,928 They look like crabs. 841 00:46:13,930 --> 00:46:15,028 No, they don't. 842 00:46:15,030 --> 00:46:17,529 And besides, they don't attack humans. 843 00:46:17,531 --> 00:46:18,962 Now you're just making shit up. 844 00:46:18,964 --> 00:46:21,495 Oh, yes, for the thrill of fucking you. 845 00:46:21,497 --> 00:46:23,762 - Let's get it over with. - Fine. 846 00:46:23,764 --> 00:46:27,863 (BOTH MOANING) 847 00:46:27,865 --> 00:46:31,063 My mother used to tell me to always use two condoms when you have sex. 848 00:46:31,065 --> 00:46:32,796 The second one always had to be bigger. 849 00:46:32,798 --> 00:46:35,462 - It looked like a wind sock. - That's so stupid. 850 00:46:35,464 --> 00:46:38,197 Each condom would cause the other one to break. 851 00:46:38,199 --> 00:46:41,197 A fact discovered, astraddle, in the summer after 12th grade, 852 00:46:41,199 --> 00:46:44,796 by a nice girl named Auden who had no quarrel with anyone. 853 00:46:44,798 --> 00:46:46,696 She ran screaming from our rec room. 854 00:46:46,698 --> 00:46:49,029 Of course, you had sex in your rec room. 855 00:46:49,031 --> 00:46:51,064 We had a Nutone intercom system. 856 00:46:51,066 --> 00:46:53,597 The master control was in the kitchen. 857 00:46:53,599 --> 00:46:56,663 My parents could listen and talk to any room in the house from there. 858 00:46:56,665 --> 00:46:59,630 - I used to call the kitchen "The Eagle's Nest." - (MOANS) 859 00:46:59,632 --> 00:47:01,064 When my father heard Auden wailing, 860 00:47:01,066 --> 00:47:03,463 he screamed through the intercom, 861 00:47:03,465 --> 00:47:05,663 "What the fuck is going on down there?" 862 00:47:05,665 --> 00:47:06,697 I said what happened. 863 00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:08,197 There was a pause, 864 00:47:08,199 --> 00:47:10,897 and then my mother said, "Dinner's ready." 865 00:47:10,899 --> 00:47:12,797 Your mother cooked? 866 00:47:12,799 --> 00:47:14,663 On the off-chance that we are making a baby, 867 00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:15,930 do you want a boy or a girl? 868 00:47:15,932 --> 00:47:17,964 You're asking me this now? 869 00:47:17,966 --> 00:47:20,065 I'm killing time. 870 00:47:20,067 --> 00:47:22,563 Uh, a boy. 871 00:47:22,565 --> 00:47:25,496 (SNIFFS) My mother actually told me there's a way to get a boy. 872 00:47:25,498 --> 00:47:27,563 - Oh, this ought to be good. - Yeah. 873 00:47:27,565 --> 00:47:31,797 At the moment of climax, just shout out, "Oh, boy! Oh, boy!" 874 00:47:31,799 --> 00:47:34,531 (LAUGHS) Can we please stop talking about your mother. 875 00:47:34,533 --> 00:47:36,664 But I don't know why you'd possibly want a boy, 876 00:47:36,666 --> 00:47:38,098 considering, you know, 877 00:47:38,100 --> 00:47:40,930 the baseline quality of your relationships with men. 878 00:47:40,932 --> 00:47:42,930 Oh. What, revenge? 879 00:47:42,932 --> 00:47:45,198 (BOTH GROANING) 880 00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:47,631 Oh, Jesus, Frank! 881 00:47:47,633 --> 00:47:50,564 Jesus effing Christ! 882 00:47:50,566 --> 00:47:53,098 (MOANING LOUDLY) 883 00:47:53,100 --> 00:47:55,764 Oh, God, you look like you're gonna throw up! 884 00:47:55,766 --> 00:47:57,798 Why would I? You're a very attractive woman. 885 00:47:57,800 --> 00:47:59,631 Not from that. 886 00:47:59,633 --> 00:48:00,865 Oh, right, sorry. 887 00:48:00,867 --> 00:48:02,166 Oh, God! 888 00:48:02,168 --> 00:48:04,564 No! No, no, no, no! 889 00:48:04,566 --> 00:48:06,431 - No? - No, not "no." 890 00:48:06,433 --> 00:48:07,865 I'm just a very negative person. 891 00:48:07,867 --> 00:48:08,999 Okay. 892 00:48:09,001 --> 00:48:10,999 I'm expressing incredulity! 893 00:48:11,001 --> 00:48:12,798 - Got it. - (SCREAMS) 894 00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:14,199 - No! - Ah! 895 00:48:14,201 --> 00:48:16,798 No! No! No! No! No! 896 00:48:16,800 --> 00:48:18,898 Oh, boy! Oh, boy! 897 00:48:18,900 --> 00:48:20,632 Oh, boy! 898 00:48:20,634 --> 00:48:24,599 Yeah! Oh, boy! 899 00:48:24,601 --> 00:48:28,701 (BOTH MOANING) 900 00:48:30,801 --> 00:48:32,599 Anytime, pal. 901 00:48:32,601 --> 00:48:33,932 Can you not talk right now? 902 00:48:33,934 --> 00:48:35,432 Fine. 903 00:48:35,434 --> 00:48:37,899 - It's gonna get cold out. - No, it won't. 904 00:48:37,901 --> 00:48:40,167 Yes, it will. It's the Paso Robles Diurnal. 905 00:48:40,169 --> 00:48:42,866 There's sweeping wind temperatures. 906 00:48:42,868 --> 00:48:44,799 Don't you know anything about meteorology? 907 00:48:44,801 --> 00:48:46,832 No! (GROANS) 908 00:48:46,834 --> 00:48:49,100 Oh, God. Kelp. 909 00:48:49,102 --> 00:48:51,033 - Help? - No, kelp. 910 00:48:51,035 --> 00:48:53,632 There's kelp at or near my vagina. 911 00:48:53,634 --> 00:48:56,000 Oh, that's grass. We're in grass. 912 00:48:56,002 --> 00:48:57,566 How is that better? 913 00:48:57,568 --> 00:48:59,566 You put the ocean in my head with the fucking crabs. 914 00:48:59,568 --> 00:49:02,633 (MOANING LOUDLY) 915 00:49:02,635 --> 00:49:08,934 (YELLING) 916 00:49:08,936 --> 00:49:11,833 (PURRING) 917 00:49:11,835 --> 00:49:16,568 (CONTINUES MOANING) 918 00:49:20,170 --> 00:49:21,735 (MOANS) 919 00:49:25,535 --> 00:49:28,533 (BREATHES HEAVILY) 920 00:49:28,535 --> 00:49:29,766 What? 921 00:49:29,768 --> 00:49:31,436 I had a purse. 922 00:49:37,170 --> 00:49:39,101 LINDSAY: Do you want a drink? 923 00:49:39,103 --> 00:49:42,134 I want all the drinks poured directly down my gullet. 924 00:49:42,136 --> 00:49:45,101 Why don't we go to your room and crack open your minibar? 925 00:49:45,103 --> 00:49:46,601 Why don't we go to your room 926 00:49:46,603 --> 00:49:49,068 and crack open your goddamn minibar? 927 00:49:49,070 --> 00:49:51,667 Frank. We're alive. 928 00:49:51,669 --> 00:49:53,569 What does that have to do with anything? 929 00:50:04,436 --> 00:50:07,169 LINDSAY: (♫ SINGS ♫) ♫ Oh, Danny boy, the pipes ♫ 930 00:50:07,171 --> 00:50:10,667 BOTH: (♫ SINGING ♫) ♫ The pipes are calling ♫ 931 00:50:10,669 --> 00:50:13,202 - LINDSAY: ♫ From glen to glen ♫ - FRANK: (♫ SINGS ♫) ♫ From glen ♫ 932 00:50:13,204 --> 00:50:16,634 TOGETHER: ♫ And down the mountainside ♫ 933 00:50:16,636 --> 00:50:18,801 - FRANK: How do you know the words to this? - LINDSAY: Come on. 934 00:50:18,803 --> 00:50:20,501 ♫ The summer's gone ♫ 935 00:50:20,503 --> 00:50:22,002 FRANK: ♫ Summer's gone And all the... ♫ 936 00:50:22,004 --> 00:50:24,135 LINDSAY: ♫ Flowers are dy... ♫ 937 00:50:24,137 --> 00:50:25,802 FRANK: ♫ Dying ♫ 938 00:50:25,804 --> 00:50:28,802 LINDSAY: ♫ 'Tis you, 'tis you Must go ♫ 939 00:50:28,804 --> 00:50:32,102 - ♫ And I must bide... ♫ - FRANK: What? 940 00:50:32,104 --> 00:50:34,036 LINDSAY: ♫ But come ye back ♫ 941 00:50:34,038 --> 00:50:35,668 WOMAN: (ON TV) But at some point, 942 00:50:35,670 --> 00:50:38,103 don't you think it just starts to look a little ridiculous? 943 00:50:38,105 --> 00:50:41,501 Think about it, this guy was formally the head of the committee... 944 00:50:41,503 --> 00:50:43,735 LINDSAY: "Formerly," not "form-ally." 945 00:50:43,737 --> 00:50:45,370 I know, it's appalling. 946 00:50:46,737 --> 00:50:48,802 Seriously, the chocolate? 947 00:50:48,804 --> 00:50:52,003 We're not going to drink without eating. Alcoholics do that. 948 00:50:52,005 --> 00:50:53,870 The chocolate is the most expensive thing 949 00:50:53,872 --> 00:50:55,203 in the minibar besides the... 950 00:50:55,205 --> 00:50:57,502 - (WINE CORK POPS) - wine. 951 00:50:57,504 --> 00:50:59,536 Would you rather we had ordered room service? 952 00:50:59,538 --> 00:51:00,836 Definitely not. 953 00:51:00,838 --> 00:51:02,836 I spoke to the front desk. 954 00:51:02,838 --> 00:51:05,669 They add a delivery fee, a 17 percent gratuity, 955 00:51:05,671 --> 00:51:08,603 and some sort of fuckin' cover charge, like we're in Italy. 956 00:51:08,605 --> 00:51:12,136 I've always wondered why they give you two glasses 957 00:51:12,138 --> 00:51:13,937 even when you're traveling alone. 958 00:51:13,939 --> 00:51:16,669 Because one would be so sad. 959 00:51:16,671 --> 00:51:18,104 Here's to... What? 960 00:51:18,106 --> 00:51:19,705 - Please. - (GLASSES CLINK) 961 00:51:33,806 --> 00:51:36,104 It's not hashish. 962 00:51:36,106 --> 00:51:38,736 I'm not wearing anything under my pajamas. 963 00:51:38,738 --> 00:51:40,537 Why would you? They're so alluring. 964 00:51:40,539 --> 00:51:43,570 I didn't think I was gonna be intimate this weekend. 965 00:51:43,572 --> 00:51:44,937 Or any weekend. 966 00:51:44,939 --> 00:51:47,137 Superman couldn't see through those pajamas. 967 00:51:47,139 --> 00:51:48,503 So you tried. 968 00:51:48,505 --> 00:51:51,104 People have jousted in lighter clothing. 969 00:51:51,106 --> 00:51:53,137 - Frank? - Present. 970 00:51:53,139 --> 00:51:56,072 When you said before that I was an attractive woman, 971 00:51:56,074 --> 00:51:57,704 what did you mean? 972 00:51:57,706 --> 00:51:59,437 What do you mean what did I mean? 973 00:51:59,439 --> 00:52:01,470 You're an attractive woman. You're physically appealing. 974 00:52:01,472 --> 00:52:02,874 Can you be more specific? 975 00:52:04,572 --> 00:52:07,872 Your facial features subscribe to the Golden Ratio. 976 00:52:07,874 --> 00:52:09,537 What? 977 00:52:09,539 --> 00:52:12,537 One to the quantity one half times radical five plus one. 978 00:52:12,539 --> 00:52:13,905 The Golden Ratio. 979 00:52:13,907 --> 00:52:15,471 You can tell that? 980 00:52:15,473 --> 00:52:17,072 It's an estimate. 981 00:52:17,074 --> 00:52:19,504 And you have The Folds of Aphrodite. 982 00:52:19,506 --> 00:52:21,705 What are the Folds of Aphrodite? 983 00:52:21,707 --> 00:52:23,705 That's the name of the particular, graceful way 984 00:52:23,707 --> 00:52:25,072 that the cheeks of beautiful women 985 00:52:25,074 --> 00:52:27,705 arrange themselves when they smile. 986 00:52:27,707 --> 00:52:31,105 There's a gentle creasing that begins at the cheekbone 987 00:52:31,107 --> 00:52:34,006 and runs downward, in a slightly arced diagonal, 988 00:52:34,008 --> 00:52:37,205 directing the eye to the mouth. 989 00:52:37,207 --> 00:52:39,440 It's aesthetically thrilling. 990 00:52:41,607 --> 00:52:45,106 Well... I've never heard the term 991 00:52:45,108 --> 00:52:46,939 "Folds of Aphrodite." 992 00:52:46,941 --> 00:52:48,706 I coined it. 993 00:52:48,708 --> 00:52:50,638 Then it's not a real thing. 994 00:52:50,640 --> 00:52:53,106 Then it and you are bullshit. 995 00:52:53,108 --> 00:52:55,839 I googled around and there was no name for it so I coined it. 996 00:52:55,841 --> 00:52:58,706 - It's established now. - Bullshit. 997 00:52:58,708 --> 00:53:02,206 In my experience, there's at least a 90 percent correlation between beautiful women 998 00:53:02,208 --> 00:53:04,906 - and women who have The Folds of Aphrodite. - Oh... 999 00:53:04,908 --> 00:53:07,840 The Folds cut across races and ethnicities. 1000 00:53:07,842 --> 00:53:09,441 What else about me? 1001 00:53:10,507 --> 00:53:11,773 Well... 1002 00:53:11,775 --> 00:53:15,907 (SIGHS) 1003 00:53:15,909 --> 00:53:17,673 you're slender, 1004 00:53:17,675 --> 00:53:20,439 but not to the point of a troubled relationship with food. 1005 00:53:20,441 --> 00:53:22,572 That's actionable profiling, right there. 1006 00:53:22,574 --> 00:53:24,572 File a grievance. 1007 00:53:24,574 --> 00:53:28,007 And your curves are very sexy but not vulgar. 1008 00:53:28,009 --> 00:53:30,007 Everything very much in proportion, 1009 00:53:30,009 --> 00:53:32,174 firm but not overly, 1010 00:53:32,176 --> 00:53:35,540 which I've always found weird and prepossessing. 1011 00:53:35,542 --> 00:53:38,707 Your arms bespeak physical fitness and athleticism, 1012 00:53:38,709 --> 00:53:40,506 but nothing sapphic. 1013 00:53:40,508 --> 00:53:43,641 - (SCOFFS) - And your ankles quietly aver 1014 00:53:43,643 --> 00:53:46,708 that you will keep your body well into later age. 1015 00:53:46,710 --> 00:53:49,808 (SCOFFS) It's despicable the way men look at women. 1016 00:53:49,810 --> 00:53:54,575 In short, you are beautiful, graceful, and elegant. 1017 00:53:56,076 --> 00:53:59,641 Also, you don't dress in an overtly sexy way. 1018 00:53:59,643 --> 00:54:01,808 You seem to understand that dressing sexy 1019 00:54:01,810 --> 00:54:04,607 is actually the opposite of being sexy, 1020 00:54:04,609 --> 00:54:06,841 that certain information should have to be earned, 1021 00:54:06,843 --> 00:54:08,708 rather than given away for free 1022 00:54:08,710 --> 00:54:11,607 to anyone and everyone who passeth by your doorstep. 1023 00:54:11,609 --> 00:54:13,774 (SCOFFS) If this were 1732. 1024 00:54:13,776 --> 00:54:15,141 I'm giving you a compliment. 1025 00:54:15,143 --> 00:54:16,641 You're calling me a prude. 1026 00:54:16,643 --> 00:54:18,774 I'm suggesting that you've taken the high road. 1027 00:54:18,776 --> 00:54:20,941 Even in this flagrant, flaunting day and age, 1028 00:54:20,943 --> 00:54:23,175 you have chosen to preserve the mystery. 1029 00:54:23,177 --> 00:54:27,877 Yes, the pajamas go too far, but I applaud the ethos. 1030 00:54:29,977 --> 00:54:32,474 - Would you like to know about you? - No. 1031 00:54:32,476 --> 00:54:33,711 Yes, you would. 1032 00:54:35,677 --> 00:54:37,609 You're very handsome. 1033 00:54:37,611 --> 00:54:40,609 You have powerful eyes. 1034 00:54:40,611 --> 00:54:43,609 Your hair will never be a problem. 1035 00:54:43,611 --> 00:54:46,709 The corners of your mouth touch 1036 00:54:46,711 --> 00:54:51,109 but do not cross the vertical lines which bisect your eyes. 1037 00:54:51,111 --> 00:54:54,475 In profile, your chin extends exactly the same as your lower lip, 1038 00:54:54,477 --> 00:54:56,442 which is an ideal. 1039 00:54:56,444 --> 00:55:01,475 Bodily, you feel strong and substantial, sinuous but not wiry. 1040 00:55:01,477 --> 00:55:03,209 Sartorially, you get high marks. 1041 00:55:03,211 --> 00:55:04,942 You tuck in your shirts because you realize 1042 00:55:04,944 --> 00:55:07,976 that tails out is a ridiculous way to dress. 1043 00:55:07,978 --> 00:55:10,877 You wear your pants low, and your shoes are legitimate. 1044 00:55:10,879 --> 00:55:14,943 And you have a beautiful penis. 1045 00:55:14,945 --> 00:55:16,643 I do? 1046 00:55:16,645 --> 00:55:18,109 Oh, come on, Frank. 1047 00:55:18,111 --> 00:55:20,979 Surely people have told you that your entire life. 1048 00:55:22,145 --> 00:55:23,543 No. 1049 00:55:23,545 --> 00:55:25,877 Well, it's very nice. 1050 00:55:25,879 --> 00:55:27,543 It's straight, 1051 00:55:27,545 --> 00:55:30,077 and you would not believe how epidemic a problem that is. 1052 00:55:30,079 --> 00:55:33,877 Also, it's balletically formed. 1053 00:55:33,879 --> 00:55:39,177 It's not so big as to ever be a cause for concern, 1054 00:55:39,179 --> 00:55:42,877 but it's big enough never to be the object of ridicule or scorn. 1055 00:55:42,879 --> 00:55:45,877 You're in a very sweet spot there. 1056 00:55:45,879 --> 00:55:48,711 Are you saying that Keith's penis is not straight? 1057 00:55:48,713 --> 00:55:52,509 Can you imagine that we would have gone this entire weekend 1058 00:55:52,511 --> 00:55:54,911 without saying these things to each other? 1059 00:55:54,913 --> 00:55:57,577 - "Balletically formed"? - That's right. 1060 00:55:57,579 --> 00:56:01,078 (SIGHS) People are ridiculous and pathetic. 1061 00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:04,144 Animals, that's all. 1062 00:56:04,146 --> 00:56:07,978 We want to believe that there's some high-minded, cosmic meaning behind love, 1063 00:56:07,980 --> 00:56:09,677 but the truth is we're drawn to, 1064 00:56:09,679 --> 00:56:11,611 and make most of our decisions based upon, 1065 00:56:11,613 --> 00:56:15,844 shapes we find appealing, and colors and textures 1066 00:56:15,846 --> 00:56:19,511 and smells and tastes and spatial relations. 1067 00:56:19,513 --> 00:56:21,911 It's so stupid. 1068 00:56:21,913 --> 00:56:24,111 This is pretty good. 1069 00:56:24,113 --> 00:56:26,178 I mean, when I think about what people look like 1070 00:56:26,180 --> 00:56:29,812 when they kiss or have sex, I want to vomit. 1071 00:56:29,814 --> 00:56:31,712 You almost did vomit. 1072 00:56:31,714 --> 00:56:35,478 I mean, there's nothing beautiful or transcendent about being human. 1073 00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:37,979 Ultimately, it's just a filthy business 1074 00:56:37,981 --> 00:56:41,678 of a revolting species trying to survive. 1075 00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:44,511 I mean, if you've ever really watched another person eat, 1076 00:56:44,513 --> 00:56:46,645 or seen yourself in a mirror taking a shit, 1077 00:56:46,647 --> 00:56:49,511 or walked through South Coast Plaza, 1078 00:56:49,513 --> 00:56:51,511 you know exactly what I'm talking about. 1079 00:56:51,513 --> 00:56:54,145 But I had my eyes open when I was fucking you, 1080 00:56:54,147 --> 00:56:56,045 and I thought we must have looked pretty good. 1081 00:56:56,047 --> 00:56:58,979 My father thought he had a good golf swing. 1082 00:56:58,981 --> 00:57:00,179 (LAUGHS) 1083 00:57:00,181 --> 00:57:01,481 Wait. 1084 00:57:02,581 --> 00:57:04,212 (CLEARS THROAT) 1085 00:57:04,214 --> 00:57:06,912 Do a groove chew. 1086 00:57:06,914 --> 00:57:08,746 I'm sorry? 1087 00:57:08,748 --> 00:57:10,746 It's a style of chewing used 1088 00:57:10,748 --> 00:57:12,546 when you're really enjoying something 1089 00:57:12,548 --> 00:57:14,613 that you don't have very often. 1090 00:57:14,615 --> 00:57:16,114 Like this. (CLEARS THROAT) 1091 00:57:18,615 --> 00:57:19,615 Mm! 1092 00:57:21,048 --> 00:57:21,982 Mm! 1093 00:57:24,882 --> 00:57:27,113 - This is a thing? - I coined it. 1094 00:57:27,115 --> 00:57:29,479 And you're not embarrassed? 1095 00:57:29,481 --> 00:57:31,115 All right, just come on. Just try. 1096 00:57:34,615 --> 00:57:35,946 - Mmm... - Mm. 1097 00:57:35,948 --> 00:57:38,449 - Mmm! - Mmm-mm! 1098 00:57:45,148 --> 00:57:47,614 - Can you groove swallow? - You can. 1099 00:57:47,616 --> 00:57:49,716 - Can we groove swallow now? - Okay, fine. 1100 00:57:50,849 --> 00:57:52,716 (BOTH SWALLOW LOUDLY) 1101 00:58:05,083 --> 00:58:06,181 (MUTTERS) 1102 00:58:06,183 --> 00:58:07,883 - Huh? - Uh... 1103 00:58:14,116 --> 00:58:16,450 MAN: (ON TV) I remember the first time I ever saw you. 1104 00:58:17,616 --> 00:58:19,147 It was a partial nephrectomy. 1105 00:58:19,149 --> 00:58:22,550 You were standing in for Dr. Sumner who had an emergency. 1106 00:58:24,049 --> 00:58:25,780 With your cap and mask, 1107 00:58:25,782 --> 00:58:27,849 all I could see were your eyes. 1108 00:58:29,483 --> 00:58:30,983 And I remember thinking... 1109 00:58:31,949 --> 00:58:33,450 thank God. 1110 00:58:35,783 --> 00:58:38,514 Because anything more would be too much to bear. 1111 00:58:38,516 --> 00:58:40,448 Stop worrying about fucking each other 1112 00:58:40,450 --> 00:58:43,015 and start saving the people who are dying in your hospital. 1113 00:58:43,017 --> 00:58:46,015 Your patient has a snake in his urethra. 1114 00:58:46,017 --> 00:58:48,048 You should all lose your licenses. 1115 00:58:48,050 --> 00:58:51,481 When my time comes, I will sign a DNR. 1116 00:58:51,483 --> 00:58:53,948 I won't. I want to be resuscitated. 1117 00:58:53,950 --> 00:58:57,048 I want to be intubated, revived, retrieved, and prolonged. 1118 00:58:57,050 --> 00:58:58,515 I want them to zap me with clappers 1119 00:58:58,517 --> 00:59:02,082 and inject my heart with that long needle of adrenaline... whatever it takes. 1120 00:59:02,084 --> 00:59:04,115 What? But, what if there's no hope? 1121 00:59:04,117 --> 00:59:05,582 There's already no hope. 1122 00:59:05,584 --> 00:59:08,148 But what if you're just a burden to your family 1123 00:59:08,150 --> 00:59:10,816 and, by extension, the entire health-care system? 1124 00:59:10,818 --> 00:59:12,015 Won't give a shit. 1125 00:59:12,017 --> 00:59:13,982 I want them to stave off death. 1126 00:59:13,984 --> 00:59:16,649 I don't care if there's turnips with better brain-wave patterns. 1127 00:59:16,651 --> 00:59:17,883 Legumes. 1128 00:59:17,885 --> 00:59:19,749 But I thought you hated life. 1129 00:59:19,751 --> 00:59:21,949 I do, but I'm going to be dead for a long time, 1130 00:59:21,951 --> 00:59:23,883 so there's no rush. 1131 00:59:23,885 --> 00:59:25,183 Do you want to have children? 1132 00:59:25,185 --> 00:59:26,716 I'd rather be dead in a ditch. 1133 00:59:26,718 --> 00:59:28,682 Oh. 1134 00:59:28,684 --> 00:59:31,049 I mean, why would I do that to those poor souls? 1135 00:59:31,051 --> 00:59:33,682 Well, for the same reason you want to be resuscitated. 1136 00:59:33,684 --> 00:59:37,549 Because being, as bad as it is, is better than not being. 1137 00:59:37,551 --> 00:59:39,682 This is a horrible place to be. 1138 00:59:39,684 --> 00:59:41,949 Central California, or the whole thing? 1139 00:59:41,951 --> 00:59:44,617 I'm already alive. I already know shit. 1140 00:59:44,619 --> 00:59:46,583 But unborn children are none the wiser 1141 00:59:46,585 --> 00:59:48,516 and deserve to be protected from certain things, 1142 00:59:48,518 --> 00:59:49,983 like being alive in the first place. 1143 00:59:49,985 --> 00:59:51,750 That makes no sense. 1144 00:59:51,752 --> 00:59:53,916 Living was not my choice. It was my mother's. 1145 00:59:53,918 --> 00:59:55,950 Have you ever heard of anything more selfish? 1146 00:59:55,952 --> 00:59:58,650 - I hope I'm not pregnant. - That's all I'm saying. 1147 00:59:58,652 --> 01:00:00,750 Why did your father leave your mother? 1148 01:00:00,752 --> 01:00:01,917 Because he could. 1149 01:00:01,919 --> 01:00:04,050 Because he had the power of locomotion. 1150 01:00:04,052 --> 01:00:07,917 Why did she keep and hyphenate both her divorced last names? 1151 01:00:07,919 --> 01:00:10,516 Because she thought it made her sound aristocratic. 1152 01:00:10,518 --> 01:00:12,117 Also, this way she gets all her mail. 1153 01:00:12,119 --> 01:00:16,084 And what would you say is the major barrier 1154 01:00:16,086 --> 01:00:18,683 to a warm relationship between you and your half-brother? 1155 01:00:18,685 --> 01:00:21,451 He's a douchebag. Why are you asking me these questions? 1156 01:00:21,453 --> 01:00:23,584 Just... I don't know. 1157 01:00:23,586 --> 01:00:27,618 I'm just evaluating your qualifications as an ongoing love interest. 1158 01:00:27,620 --> 01:00:29,484 Not that I'm advocating that. 1159 01:00:29,486 --> 01:00:32,084 Clearly, you're an emotional cripple, as am I. 1160 01:00:32,086 --> 01:00:36,851 I don't have any qualifications as an ongoing love interest and neither do you. 1161 01:00:36,853 --> 01:00:38,951 But love interest is too strong a word. 1162 01:00:38,953 --> 01:00:40,885 I, um... Affection. 1163 01:00:40,887 --> 01:00:42,517 Interest. Tolerance interest. 1164 01:00:42,519 --> 01:00:44,517 This isn't going to be ongoing. 1165 01:00:44,519 --> 01:00:46,684 What, you've just decided that unilaterally? 1166 01:00:46,686 --> 01:00:49,085 - For both our sakes. - I don't get a say? 1167 01:00:49,087 --> 01:00:51,751 No, you have terrible judgment in this regard. 1168 01:00:51,753 --> 01:00:54,818 (SCOFFS) What, but... I... 1169 01:00:54,820 --> 01:00:58,551 My head is finally clear, thanks to you. 1170 01:00:58,553 --> 01:01:01,151 I mean, I haven't thought about Keith since the mountain lion. 1171 01:01:01,153 --> 01:01:03,784 So you admit it was a mountain lion. 1172 01:01:03,786 --> 01:01:06,652 Do you have any idea how huge this is for me? 1173 01:01:06,654 --> 01:01:08,552 If it's true, the mountain lion and I 1174 01:01:08,554 --> 01:01:10,951 are happy to have performed that service. 1175 01:01:10,953 --> 01:01:14,552 But now, apparently, no good deed goes unpunished. 1176 01:01:14,554 --> 01:01:16,685 I think I finally have closure. 1177 01:01:16,687 --> 01:01:18,919 I don't trust that statement and neither should you. 1178 01:01:18,921 --> 01:01:20,552 But you want to. 1179 01:01:20,554 --> 01:01:22,785 You don't just jump from one love object to another. 1180 01:01:22,787 --> 01:01:24,685 - Tolerance object. - That's how mistakes are made. 1181 01:01:24,687 --> 01:01:26,452 All I make are mistakes. 1182 01:01:26,454 --> 01:01:27,919 At least this one would be fun. 1183 01:01:27,921 --> 01:01:29,585 Are you having fun right now? 1184 01:01:29,587 --> 01:01:32,888 Yes. I mean, we're kind of arguing, but there's hope. 1185 01:01:33,988 --> 01:01:35,819 This is an interlude. 1186 01:01:35,821 --> 01:01:37,518 A weekend. 1187 01:01:37,520 --> 01:01:40,086 A small oasis of time in which we can taste intimacy 1188 01:01:40,088 --> 01:01:43,486 like it's a piece of free salami at Trader Joe's. 1189 01:01:43,488 --> 01:01:46,653 Why not? You're in the store anyway, and you forgot to eat breakfast, 1190 01:01:46,655 --> 01:01:50,019 and it tastes okay, and afterwards there's no salami fallout. 1191 01:01:50,021 --> 01:01:53,519 When no one's looking, you just drop the toothpick onto the floor. 1192 01:01:53,521 --> 01:01:56,220 Man, you're not one of the... Do you do that? 1193 01:01:56,222 --> 01:01:58,086 Well, there's no garbage pails in that place, 1194 01:01:58,088 --> 01:02:01,187 and it's unsanitary to put the toothpick on the receptacle napkin. 1195 01:02:01,189 --> 01:02:03,053 All right, le... just... Okay. 1196 01:02:03,055 --> 01:02:04,620 Just... I'm just devil's advocate. 1197 01:02:04,622 --> 01:02:06,720 Maybe... (CLEARS THROAT) 1198 01:02:06,722 --> 01:02:08,453 just what if, okay? 1199 01:02:08,455 --> 01:02:10,053 What if it's more? 1200 01:02:10,055 --> 01:02:13,020 What if there actually is something to the idea 1201 01:02:13,022 --> 01:02:14,887 of a destination wedding? 1202 01:02:14,889 --> 01:02:18,519 What if we've been thinking about this whole thing backwards? 1203 01:02:18,521 --> 01:02:20,686 What if... 1204 01:02:20,688 --> 01:02:25,487 I know, but what if our real destination was each other? 1205 01:02:25,489 --> 01:02:27,656 What if you never say that again? 1206 01:02:29,656 --> 01:02:32,654 What if happiness is... contagious? 1207 01:02:32,656 --> 01:02:34,087 Why would you think that meeting someone 1208 01:02:34,089 --> 01:02:35,920 has anything to do with being happy? 1209 01:02:35,922 --> 01:02:37,454 Because! 1210 01:02:37,456 --> 01:02:39,053 Once upon a time, I met someone, 1211 01:02:39,055 --> 01:02:41,221 and I was happy... I thought. 1212 01:02:41,223 --> 01:02:43,554 Personally, I'd be worried if my life philosophy 1213 01:02:43,556 --> 01:02:45,188 began with "Once Upon a Time." 1214 01:02:45,190 --> 01:02:47,189 Well, I was raised by optimists. 1215 01:02:47,191 --> 01:02:49,222 But you have a preponderance of counter-evidence. 1216 01:02:49,224 --> 01:02:51,054 Were you not watching your own engagement? 1217 01:02:51,056 --> 01:02:53,155 - How could I have been? - What's wrong with you? 1218 01:02:53,157 --> 01:02:55,821 Nothing. Sometimes I just willfully reject irony. 1219 01:02:55,823 --> 01:02:57,189 You are doomed. 1220 01:02:57,191 --> 01:02:59,821 Maybe we saved each other, Frank. 1221 01:02:59,823 --> 01:03:02,021 I mean, did you ever think about it like that? 1222 01:03:02,023 --> 01:03:04,687 No. Neither should you. 1223 01:03:04,689 --> 01:03:07,521 I wonder how many people met at weddings 1224 01:03:07,523 --> 01:03:09,921 - and then went on to... - Thirty-two. 1225 01:03:09,923 --> 01:03:12,822 Why not, you know, extend the oasis? 1226 01:03:12,824 --> 01:03:15,155 A good day here, a good day there, 1227 01:03:15,157 --> 01:03:18,488 pretty soon you're just talking about a couple of good days. 1228 01:03:18,490 --> 01:03:20,488 What time does our flight land tomorrow night? 1229 01:03:20,490 --> 01:03:22,089 I don't know, about 7:30? 1230 01:03:22,091 --> 01:03:25,455 I will extend it until tomorrow at about 7:30. 1231 01:03:25,457 --> 01:03:28,889 Well, there's no point in extending it another four seconds 1232 01:03:28,891 --> 01:03:31,788 if you're not gonna keep your mind open to the possibilities. 1233 01:03:31,790 --> 01:03:33,922 Why do people need the dangled carrot of a future? 1234 01:03:33,924 --> 01:03:35,123 Because we do. 1235 01:03:35,125 --> 01:03:37,090 Because connection is precious, 1236 01:03:37,092 --> 01:03:39,688 therefore, it is immoral 1237 01:03:39,690 --> 01:03:42,556 to just treat each other like dalliances, 1238 01:03:42,558 --> 01:03:44,889 even if that's what we wind up being. 1239 01:03:44,891 --> 01:03:46,855 But that's exactly what we wind up being. 1240 01:03:46,857 --> 01:03:49,489 Permanence is a myth, an a... an illusion. 1241 01:03:49,491 --> 01:03:51,589 Well, I didn't say anything about permanence. 1242 01:03:51,591 --> 01:03:55,456 I was speaking of a slightly lengthier temporariness. 1243 01:03:55,458 --> 01:03:56,623 What's the point? 1244 01:03:56,625 --> 01:03:58,589 I just told you what the point was. 1245 01:03:58,591 --> 01:04:01,689 But when it's over, you're right back at square zero. 1246 01:04:01,691 --> 01:04:03,723 I will not keep my mind open. 1247 01:04:03,725 --> 01:04:05,689 (SCOFFS) Well, then just keep it open 1248 01:04:05,691 --> 01:04:08,057 to the possibility of keeping it open. 1249 01:04:08,059 --> 01:04:08,992 No. 1250 01:04:10,524 --> 01:04:11,990 Really? 1251 01:04:11,992 --> 01:04:16,656 Oh, wow. That's... I... I'm almost, I'm almost... 1252 01:04:16,658 --> 01:04:18,623 You know what, if you can't or won't, 1253 01:04:18,625 --> 01:04:20,956 then you simply can't or won't. 1254 01:04:20,958 --> 01:04:22,923 - That's my blanket. - (MOCKING) "That's my blanket." 1255 01:04:22,925 --> 01:04:24,789 You might want to shake out the Pringle fragments. 1256 01:04:24,791 --> 01:04:26,490 "You might want to shake out the Pringle fragments." 1257 01:04:26,492 --> 01:04:27,689 If you want to leave, just say so. 1258 01:04:27,691 --> 01:04:29,789 - I very much want to leave. - Say it again. 1259 01:04:29,791 --> 01:04:31,724 You debate like a child. 1260 01:04:31,726 --> 01:04:33,724 You eat like a raccoon. 1261 01:04:33,726 --> 01:04:35,126 You're fucking up. 1262 01:04:40,059 --> 01:04:41,824 How about if I keep my mind open 1263 01:04:41,826 --> 01:04:43,857 to the possibility of keeping my mind open 1264 01:04:43,859 --> 01:04:46,559 to the possibility of keeping my mind open? 1265 01:04:47,826 --> 01:04:51,058 That is just one metalevel too removed. 1266 01:04:51,060 --> 01:04:52,992 Come on. 1267 01:04:52,994 --> 01:04:54,459 Get back into bed. 1268 01:04:55,959 --> 01:04:58,492 Let's find out who the nephrologist is sleeping with. 1269 01:04:59,994 --> 01:05:01,924 Fine. 1270 01:05:01,926 --> 01:05:04,458 But only until the next commercial break. 1271 01:05:04,460 --> 01:05:06,992 And with no sexual reprise. 1272 01:05:06,994 --> 01:05:11,992 And only because I do want to know who the nephrologist is sleeping with. 1273 01:05:11,994 --> 01:05:13,524 Okay. 1274 01:05:13,526 --> 01:05:14,727 (SIGHS) 1275 01:05:16,894 --> 01:05:21,092 MAN: (ON TV) When I look at you, I don't see smallpox. 1276 01:05:21,094 --> 01:05:22,491 And it's "re-prize." 1277 01:05:22,493 --> 01:05:23,658 It's "re-preeze." 1278 01:05:23,660 --> 01:05:26,460 - "Re-prize." - It's... "re-preeze." (SCOFFS) 1279 01:05:34,095 --> 01:05:35,860 (SQUEAKS) 1280 01:05:40,095 --> 01:05:41,727 (SNORING) 1281 01:05:43,927 --> 01:05:44,860 (QUICK SNORT) 1282 01:05:46,660 --> 01:05:49,394 (SNORING) 1283 01:06:04,095 --> 01:06:05,095 (QUICK SNORT) 1284 01:06:07,228 --> 01:06:08,129 (QUICK SNORT) 1285 01:06:12,962 --> 01:06:13,996 (GURGLES) 1286 01:06:27,996 --> 01:06:29,662 (SIGHS) 1287 01:06:30,929 --> 01:06:31,929 (QUICK SNORT) 1288 01:06:50,963 --> 01:06:52,928 - (SNORING) - (KNOCKING) 1289 01:06:52,930 --> 01:06:54,895 (LINDSAY SIGHS) 1290 01:06:54,897 --> 01:06:56,228 (KNOCKING) 1291 01:06:56,230 --> 01:06:58,028 Jesus, is it Kristallnacht? 1292 01:06:58,030 --> 01:06:59,593 Oh, it's housekeeping. 1293 01:06:59,595 --> 01:07:01,593 They're not going to get that reference. 1294 01:07:01,595 --> 01:07:02,727 (KNOCKING CONTINUES) 1295 01:07:02,729 --> 01:07:04,627 Mas retardos! 1296 01:07:04,629 --> 01:07:08,663 Ah... (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 1297 01:07:09,897 --> 01:07:14,095 Oh... You shouldn't be in here. 1298 01:07:14,097 --> 01:07:15,728 This is my room. 1299 01:07:15,730 --> 01:07:17,161 Then I shouldn't be in here. 1300 01:07:17,163 --> 01:07:19,794 Okay. 1301 01:07:19,796 --> 01:07:21,862 How did I wind up in this position? 1302 01:07:21,864 --> 01:07:23,661 You made some poor life choices. 1303 01:07:23,663 --> 01:07:26,461 No, in this position. I'm half off the bed. 1304 01:07:26,463 --> 01:07:28,862 - (GROANS) - Why is my nose bleeding? 1305 01:07:28,864 --> 01:07:31,694 I think I have a spinal injury. (GROANS) 1306 01:07:31,696 --> 01:07:33,594 You feel pregnant? 1307 01:07:33,596 --> 01:07:34,862 I wouldn't know. 1308 01:07:34,864 --> 01:07:36,594 What's your gut say? 1309 01:07:36,596 --> 01:07:38,029 What it always says. 1310 01:07:38,031 --> 01:07:39,962 "Don't listen to me." 1311 01:07:39,964 --> 01:07:41,996 But if you did listen? 1312 01:07:41,998 --> 01:07:44,594 I don't feel any different, if that's what you mean. 1313 01:07:44,596 --> 01:07:47,462 - Good. - How is that good? 1314 01:07:47,464 --> 01:07:51,162 Why would you want me to perpetuate my general circumstances? 1315 01:07:51,164 --> 01:07:53,196 You can do anything you want with your circumstances. 1316 01:07:53,198 --> 01:07:55,029 I was thinking of my circumstances. 1317 01:07:55,031 --> 01:07:56,929 Which are so wonderful. 1318 01:07:56,931 --> 01:07:58,695 We shouldn't have spent the night together. 1319 01:07:58,697 --> 01:07:59,996 You wouldn't let me leave. 1320 01:07:59,998 --> 01:08:01,996 I didn't want it to end on a bad note. 1321 01:08:01,998 --> 01:08:03,229 Also, you're in the next room. 1322 01:08:03,231 --> 01:08:05,129 It would have been spectacularly awkward. 1323 01:08:05,131 --> 01:08:06,597 (SCOFFS) As opposed to this. 1324 01:08:07,865 --> 01:08:11,130 We tried, okay? We did. 1325 01:08:11,132 --> 01:08:14,695 But at some point there's just not enough optimism left inside a person 1326 01:08:14,697 --> 01:08:17,562 to sustain something like this, you know? 1327 01:08:17,564 --> 01:08:20,030 You broken preacher, me broken choir. 1328 01:08:20,032 --> 01:08:22,695 I think it's important we recognize that and verbalize it openly, 1329 01:08:22,697 --> 01:08:24,729 so as to avoid any discomfort. 1330 01:08:24,731 --> 01:08:27,563 Oh. Mission accomplished. 1331 01:08:27,565 --> 01:08:28,832 Good. 1332 01:08:33,965 --> 01:08:36,496 Do you have everything? 1333 01:08:36,498 --> 01:08:39,130 Oh, um... Yeah. 1334 01:08:39,132 --> 01:08:42,097 I think, uh, my... 1335 01:08:42,099 --> 01:08:44,730 Can we still hang together at the farewell brunch? 1336 01:08:44,732 --> 01:08:46,529 Uh, who else am I gonna hang with? 1337 01:08:46,531 --> 01:08:48,663 Although I suppose I could hang with myself. 1338 01:08:48,665 --> 01:08:53,064 Well, I'm going to shove some tissues up my nostrils and take a shower. 1339 01:08:53,066 --> 01:08:55,100 Sounds like good-bye to me. 1340 01:09:04,166 --> 01:09:06,000 (BIRD CAWING) 1341 01:09:07,100 --> 01:09:09,566 (PATRONS CHATTERING) 1342 01:09:11,200 --> 01:09:14,098 Well, what do you think, about time we head to the airport? 1343 01:09:14,100 --> 01:09:15,564 It's really close. 1344 01:09:15,566 --> 01:09:16,931 Fifteen minutes. 1345 01:09:16,933 --> 01:09:19,899 - Well, our flight's not for... - Five hours. 1346 01:09:19,901 --> 01:09:22,098 - There could be traffic. - Why take chances? 1347 01:09:22,100 --> 01:09:23,934 Then we should just say our good-byes. 1348 01:09:25,734 --> 01:09:26,867 TOGETHER: Good-bye. 1349 01:09:30,901 --> 01:09:32,564 Want your farewell gift? 1350 01:09:32,566 --> 01:09:35,167 The farewell is my gift, but please, take mine. 1351 01:09:52,134 --> 01:09:54,665 Who was San Luis Obispo, anyway? 1352 01:09:54,667 --> 01:09:57,065 And what the fuck did he do to become a saint? 1353 01:09:57,067 --> 01:09:59,866 Thirteenth Century Bishop of Toulouse. 1354 01:09:59,868 --> 01:10:03,598 Served the poor, left the Church, and died of typhus. 1355 01:10:03,600 --> 01:10:05,199 That's all it takes? 1356 01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,833 It was in the welcome basket. 1357 01:10:06,835 --> 01:10:09,565 Why would you canonize a guy who left the Church? 1358 01:10:09,567 --> 01:10:12,799 Why look to France when you're naming a city in California? 1359 01:10:12,801 --> 01:10:14,966 And what the fuck happened with the urban planning here? 1360 01:10:14,968 --> 01:10:17,799 - At some point, did they just give up? - Right. 1361 01:10:17,801 --> 01:10:20,632 On the off, off chance that I ever have a wedding, 1362 01:10:20,634 --> 01:10:24,066 I would never make anyone travel to it. 1363 01:10:24,068 --> 01:10:26,135 I don't think you'll have to worry about that. 1364 01:10:27,202 --> 01:10:28,868 (CHUCKLING) 1365 01:10:32,635 --> 01:10:34,135 Because you're a decent person. 1366 01:10:36,002 --> 01:10:38,133 Not because you won't get married. 1367 01:10:38,135 --> 01:10:39,501 Oh, come on. 1368 01:10:52,601 --> 01:10:54,601 Why do we live, Frank? 1369 01:10:55,236 --> 01:10:57,466 Oh, Jesus Christ. 1370 01:10:57,468 --> 01:10:59,700 I'm serious. 1371 01:10:59,702 --> 01:11:02,566 The work we do isn't meaningful in any great sense. 1372 01:11:02,568 --> 01:11:05,532 The connections we make invariably fall to ruin. 1373 01:11:05,534 --> 01:11:08,167 Everything we build burns to the ground. 1374 01:11:08,169 --> 01:11:11,700 Meaning is a myth, like you've said, so why do we live? 1375 01:11:11,702 --> 01:11:14,635 I was so enjoying the silence. 1376 01:11:14,637 --> 01:11:19,001 It has to be that the myth isn't a myth for everyone. 1377 01:11:19,003 --> 01:11:22,067 Well, it's certainly a myth for those two. Look at them. 1378 01:11:22,069 --> 01:11:24,902 They'd rather burst into flames than to fuck each other. 1379 01:11:24,904 --> 01:11:27,868 - You don't know that. - Oh, yes, I do. 1380 01:11:27,870 --> 01:11:33,567 It's possible that within the myth, there's a sliver of truth, 1381 01:11:33,569 --> 01:11:36,235 and you have to believe in that sliver wholeheartedly, 1382 01:11:36,237 --> 01:11:39,567 come what may, despite the rational mind, 1383 01:11:39,569 --> 01:11:43,102 because if you... if you don't, 1384 01:11:43,104 --> 01:11:45,902 the myth just reveals itself to be a myth, 1385 01:11:45,904 --> 01:11:49,635 and meaninglessness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 1386 01:11:49,637 --> 01:11:54,702 Try as I might, I cannot get behind wine in screw-top bottles. 1387 01:11:54,704 --> 01:11:58,534 Also, you have to encourage others to believe in the myth. 1388 01:11:58,536 --> 01:12:00,736 Because if they believe, they can do anything. 1389 01:12:00,738 --> 01:12:03,836 They can laugh, cry, hope, 1390 01:12:03,838 --> 01:12:06,035 vote, get married. 1391 01:12:06,037 --> 01:12:09,003 But if they don't, they can't do anything, I mean not really, 1392 01:12:09,005 --> 01:12:13,636 except make themselves as shallowly happy and comfortable as possible. 1393 01:12:13,638 --> 01:12:16,869 Which is just vanity, let's face it. 1394 01:12:16,871 --> 01:12:19,869 For me, wine in a screw-top 1395 01:12:19,871 --> 01:12:22,771 will always carry the stench of chintziness. 1396 01:12:24,771 --> 01:12:28,103 (SIGHS) What if we're falling in love? 1397 01:12:28,105 --> 01:12:30,936 Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big fan of cork. 1398 01:12:30,938 --> 01:12:33,236 You ever see it on a wall or in the heels of an espadrille? 1399 01:12:33,238 --> 01:12:34,736 Ridiculous. 1400 01:12:34,738 --> 01:12:38,770 But for wine, it conveys a certain necessary élan. 1401 01:12:38,772 --> 01:12:40,870 What if love comes for everyone? 1402 01:12:40,872 --> 01:12:42,936 (SIGHS) Don't be absurd. 1403 01:12:42,938 --> 01:12:46,536 What if no one is immune, not even us? 1404 01:12:46,538 --> 01:12:47,605 Stop it. 1405 01:12:49,839 --> 01:12:52,770 It would be remiss not to embrace the miracle. 1406 01:12:52,772 --> 01:12:55,037 What happened between us was not a miracle. 1407 01:12:55,039 --> 01:12:57,070 It was actually much closer to a debacle. 1408 01:12:57,072 --> 01:12:59,137 - Maybe that's what you meant. - Oh, come on. 1409 01:12:59,139 --> 01:13:00,870 You don't find it miraculous 1410 01:13:00,872 --> 01:13:03,770 that two people like us forged any kind of bond? 1411 01:13:03,772 --> 01:13:06,570 I find it "debaculous." 1412 01:13:06,572 --> 01:13:08,237 It was a miracle. 1413 01:13:08,239 --> 01:13:11,004 It required forever being seated together. 1414 01:13:11,006 --> 01:13:14,571 It required an adjoining door and a near-death experience. 1415 01:13:14,573 --> 01:13:16,204 What are you waiting for, a burning bush? 1416 01:13:16,206 --> 01:13:18,937 I can't believe you're bringing this up again. 1417 01:13:18,939 --> 01:13:20,704 I thought we had an understanding. 1418 01:13:20,706 --> 01:13:23,004 We had come to an agreement. 1419 01:13:23,006 --> 01:13:25,738 We're less than an hour away from parting as friends. 1420 01:13:25,740 --> 01:13:27,504 Okay, but deep down, 1421 01:13:27,506 --> 01:13:30,470 in your broken, miserable gut, 1422 01:13:30,472 --> 01:13:33,671 don't you want something that's pure 1423 01:13:33,673 --> 01:13:36,138 and in its own grotesque way, beautiful? 1424 01:13:36,140 --> 01:13:38,105 No. 1425 01:13:38,107 --> 01:13:41,838 Don't you want to secretly have a romantic life 1426 01:13:41,840 --> 01:13:45,071 that confirms your hopes instead of your cynicism? 1427 01:13:45,073 --> 01:13:46,604 No. 1428 01:13:46,606 --> 01:13:48,604 Don't you want to believe that things like this 1429 01:13:48,606 --> 01:13:49,971 actually do happen? 1430 01:13:49,973 --> 01:13:51,938 Nope. I'm fond of my cynicism. 1431 01:13:51,940 --> 01:13:54,138 It's very comfortable. 1432 01:13:54,140 --> 01:13:56,672 - Like a warm blanket of your own shit. - Yes. Yes. 1433 01:13:56,674 --> 01:13:58,639 I'm very comfortable and warm 1434 01:13:58,641 --> 01:14:01,140 in my fucking warm blanket of fucking shit. 1435 01:14:05,073 --> 01:14:07,572 But what if we're falling in love? 1436 01:14:07,574 --> 01:14:08,839 Dear God... 1437 01:14:08,841 --> 01:14:11,639 I mean, what if this is what it's like? 1438 01:14:11,641 --> 01:14:13,472 It would end in disaster. 1439 01:14:13,474 --> 01:14:14,839 - What if it didn't? - It would. 1440 01:14:14,841 --> 01:14:16,641 - I know. - Good. 1441 01:14:19,574 --> 01:14:21,772 - But... - Stop. 1442 01:14:21,774 --> 01:14:23,141 - Ah... - Stop. 1443 01:14:24,641 --> 01:14:27,639 - But... - (HOCKING PHLEGM) 1444 01:14:27,641 --> 01:14:29,008 (CONTINUES HOCKING PHLEGM) 1445 01:14:34,841 --> 01:14:36,608 Oh! 1446 01:14:38,675 --> 01:14:40,706 (LAUGHING) 1447 01:14:40,708 --> 01:14:42,673 This is not funny. Don't laugh at me, please. 1448 01:14:42,675 --> 01:14:45,172 I'm laughing out of affection. 1449 01:14:45,174 --> 01:14:47,139 No one laughs at another person out of affection. 1450 01:14:47,141 --> 01:14:49,040 You laugh at another person out of contempt. 1451 01:14:49,042 --> 01:14:51,139 No. I'm laughing 'cause it's cute. 1452 01:14:51,141 --> 01:14:52,673 - It is? - Yes. 1453 01:14:52,675 --> 01:14:54,473 But, fine, I'll stop laughing. 1454 01:14:54,475 --> 01:14:55,408 Thank you. 1455 01:15:00,575 --> 01:15:02,107 - Frank? - Yes? 1456 01:15:02,109 --> 01:15:05,207 (CLEARS THROAT) Don't you, like, have an instinct about me? 1457 01:15:05,209 --> 01:15:06,476 Nope. 1458 01:15:08,109 --> 01:15:10,806 I think you do. 1459 01:15:10,808 --> 01:15:13,607 You're the one who said your gut can't be trusted. 1460 01:15:13,609 --> 01:15:14,973 That's true. 1461 01:15:14,975 --> 01:15:17,540 For a long time, it's been a lying bitch. 1462 01:15:17,542 --> 01:15:19,707 But I would have been willing to give it another shot. 1463 01:15:19,709 --> 01:15:21,707 Why? I mean, how much shit has to fall on your head 1464 01:15:21,709 --> 01:15:23,540 before you start wearing a hat? 1465 01:15:23,542 --> 01:15:26,741 You can't die from jumping out of a basement window. 1466 01:15:26,743 --> 01:15:29,476 Of course you can. You can hit your head on a pipe or something. 1467 01:15:31,209 --> 01:15:32,841 (SIGHS) 1468 01:15:32,843 --> 01:15:35,008 You're going to wish you embraced the miracle, Frank. 1469 01:15:35,010 --> 01:15:36,609 You're gonna wish you had. 1470 01:16:15,744 --> 01:16:18,175 How are your pants, John Wayne Bobbitt? 1471 01:16:18,177 --> 01:16:20,144 - Sticky. - (GIGGLES) 1472 01:16:27,510 --> 01:16:30,476 We shouldn't exchange contact information. 1473 01:16:30,478 --> 01:16:32,042 There's no point. 1474 01:16:32,044 --> 01:16:33,611 I think I just said that. 1475 01:16:35,144 --> 01:16:37,742 It was very nice to meet you. 1476 01:16:37,744 --> 01:16:39,877 It was very nice to meet you too. 1477 01:16:46,511 --> 01:16:48,175 I know what you're going to say... 1478 01:16:48,177 --> 01:16:50,943 - "It's not you, it's me." - No, it's you. 1479 01:16:50,945 --> 01:16:53,242 - (LAUGHS) - It's me. 1480 01:16:53,244 --> 01:16:54,709 Yeah. I know. 1481 01:16:54,711 --> 01:16:56,976 - It's you. - I... Yep. 1482 01:16:56,978 --> 01:16:58,611 (SNIFFLES) 1483 01:17:12,978 --> 01:17:14,479 I liked the bow though. 1484 01:17:29,178 --> 01:17:32,210 Why didn't we meet seven years ago, Frank? 1485 01:17:32,212 --> 01:17:33,779 Just lucky, I guess. 1486 01:17:38,079 --> 01:17:41,211 LINDSAY: 14 Catalina Drive, Newport Beach, please? 1487 01:17:41,213 --> 01:17:43,810 What are you doing? Don't give your exact address. 1488 01:17:43,812 --> 01:17:45,179 You don't know who the driver is. 1489 01:17:46,746 --> 01:17:48,810 Thank you for caring. 1490 01:17:48,812 --> 01:17:50,679 I don't. I would've said the same to anyone. 1491 01:17:52,679 --> 01:17:54,677 We're holding up the line, Frank. 1492 01:17:54,679 --> 01:17:56,480 There are other people in the world. 1493 01:17:57,546 --> 01:17:58,879 There are? 1494 01:18:39,248 --> 01:18:41,047 Do you have a whistle? 1495 01:18:48,814 --> 01:18:51,414 (PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TV) 1496 01:18:55,881 --> 01:18:57,646 MAN: And then taxation. 1497 01:18:57,648 --> 01:19:00,646 MAN #2: We get shut down every single time by your... 1498 01:19:00,648 --> 01:19:02,812 - MAN #1: Idea you have so far. - MAN #2: No, no, no. 1499 01:19:02,814 --> 01:19:04,180 Can I speak? Can I speak? 1500 01:19:04,182 --> 01:19:05,214 - MAN #1: Please. - MAN #2: Because of your... 1501 01:19:05,216 --> 01:19:06,314 - Hold on. Hold on. - That's what I... 1502 01:19:06,316 --> 01:19:08,879 - Just wait a second, all right? - I'm working on it. 1503 01:19:08,881 --> 01:19:11,113 (CONVERSATION CONTINUES) 1504 01:19:11,115 --> 01:19:13,779 WOMAN: (ON TV) It's the guys who stand by in all their philosophies 1505 01:19:13,781 --> 01:19:16,546 and all their ideas and everything that they represent. 1506 01:19:16,548 --> 01:19:18,147 MAN: They're talking about the silent majority. 1507 01:19:18,149 --> 01:19:20,480 MAN #2: I don't know. I mean, listen, 1508 01:19:20,482 --> 01:19:22,813 - if you look at the facts again... - MAN: Hold on. 1509 01:19:22,815 --> 01:19:24,713 They're having a sidebar here. Hold on. 1510 01:19:24,715 --> 01:19:27,113 MAN #2: How can we even bring that up at this point? 1511 01:19:27,115 --> 01:19:28,780 - WOMAN: But what fact? - MAN: In the media. 1512 01:19:28,782 --> 01:19:29,980 You're not getting paid here. 1513 01:19:29,982 --> 01:19:32,247 WOMAN: You have got to look at what your guy did too. 1514 01:19:32,249 --> 01:19:33,813 MAN: Oh, really? There it is again. 1515 01:19:33,815 --> 01:19:35,513 There's the same thing right there. 1516 01:19:35,515 --> 01:19:37,880 It's the same response for the other side. Yeah. 1517 01:19:37,882 --> 01:19:40,747 Yeah, but never mind because your guy was worse... 1518 01:19:40,749 --> 01:19:43,582 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION CONTINUES) 1519 01:19:50,749 --> 01:19:53,583 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION CONTINUES) 1520 01:20:51,151 --> 01:20:52,851 (DOOR BELL RINGS) 1521 01:21:00,717 --> 01:21:02,484 (HOCKING PHLEGM)