1
00:00:01,711 --> 00:00:05,590
(I King Curtis: Live instrumental version
of A Whiter Shade of Pale)
2
00:01:14,826 --> 00:01:16,911
(I Audience cheering on recording)
3
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(I Audience cheering on recording)
4
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I'm going for a cup of tea.
Do you want one?
5
00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:08,189
- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?
- No.
6
00:03:57,113 --> 00:04:00,283
13 million Londoners
have to wake up to this.
7
00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:03,244
And murder and All-Bran and rape.
8
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:06,497
And I'm sitting in this bloody shack
and I can't cope with Withnail.
9
00:04:06,539 --> 00:04:08,833
I must be out of my mind.
10
00:04:08,875 --> 00:04:12,003
I must go home at once
and discuss his problems in depth.
11
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I've some extremely distressing news.
12
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I don't wanna hear it.
I don't wanna hear anything.
13
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Oh, God! It's a nightmare.
I tell you, it's a nightmare.
14
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We've just run out of wine.
What are we gonna do about it?
15
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(Breathing heavily)
I don't know. I don't know.
16
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Oh, God. I don't feel good.
17
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(Gasping)
18
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My thumbs have gone weird!
19
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I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose.
20
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Oh, God. Oh!
21
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My heart's beating like a fucked clock.
22
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I feel dreadful. I feel really dreadful.
23
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So do I. So does everybody.
24
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Look at my tongue.
25
00:04:56,506 --> 00:04:58,883
It's wearing a yellow sock.
26
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Sit down, for Christ's sakes.
What's the matter with you?
27
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- (Gasping)
- Eat some sugar.
28
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Listen to this. "Curse of the Supermen.
29
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"I took drugs to win medals,
says top athlete Jeff Wode."
30
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- Where's the coffee?
- "In a world exclusive interview,
31
00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:19,946
"33-year-old shot putter, Jeff Wode,
who weighs 317 pounds,
32
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,699
"admitted taking massive doses
of anabolic steroids,
33
00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:25,993
"drugs banned in sport.
34
00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:29,413
"'He used to get in bad tempers
and act daft,' says his wife,
35
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:31,958
"'He used to pick on me,
but now he's stopped.
36
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:35,419
"'He's much better in our sex life
and in our general life."'
37
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Jesus Christ!
38
00:05:37,797 --> 00:05:43,052
This huge thatched head
with its ear lobes and cannonball
39
00:05:43,094 --> 00:05:45,346
is now considered sane.
40
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,765
"Jeff Wode is feeling better,
41
00:05:47,807 --> 00:05:50,350
"and is now prepared
to step back into society
42
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"and start tossing his orb about."
43
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,647
Look at him! Look at Jeff Wode.
44
00:05:54,689 --> 00:05:57,108
His head must weigh 50 pounds on its own.
45
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,612
Imagine the size of his balls.
46
00:06:03,489 --> 00:06:06,242
Imagine getting into a fight
with the fucker.
47
00:06:06,284 --> 00:06:08,286
Please, I don't feel good.
48
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:10,580
That's what you'd say.
49
00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:13,416
But that wouldn't wash with Jeff. No.
50
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:16,752
He'd like a bit of pleading.
Add spice to it.
51
00:06:16,794 --> 00:06:20,131
In fact, he'd probably tell you
what he was gonna do
52
00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:22,967
before he did it.
53
00:06:23,009 --> 00:06:25,720
"I'm gonna pull your head off."
54
00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:28,180
"No, please, don't pull my head off."
55
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:32,685
"I'm gonna pull your head off,
because I don't like your head."
56
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:40,276
Have you got soup?
Why didn't I get any soup?
57
00:06:41,027 --> 00:06:42,320
Coffee. (Sniffs)
58
00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:44,614
Why don't you use a cup
like any other human being?
59
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:47,491
Why don't you wash up occasionally
like any other human being?
60
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:51,411
How dare you? How dare you?
61
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:53,706
How dare you call me inhumane?
62
00:06:53,748 --> 00:06:56,959
I didn't call you inhumane.
You merely imagined it. Calm down.
63
00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:59,795
Right, you fucker.
I'm gonna do the washing up.
64
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:02,798
No. No, you can't. It's impossible.
65
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,927
I swear to you, I've looked into it.
Listen to me. Listen to me!
66
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:09,305
There are things in there.
There's a teabag growing.
67
00:07:09,347 --> 00:07:12,850
You haven't slept in 60 hours,
you're in no state to tackle it.
68
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:15,186
Wait till the morning.
We'll go in together.
69
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,480
This is the morning. Stand aside.
70
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:21,651
You don't understand. I think
there may be something living in there.
71
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:23,653
I think there may be something alive.
72
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:27,323
- What do you mean? A rat?
- It's possible. It's possible.
73
00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:29,533
Then the fucker will rue the day.
74
00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:34,705
Oh, Christ Almighty.
75
00:07:34,747 --> 00:07:36,791
Sinew in nicotine base.
76
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:40,378
Keep back. Keep back.
The entire sink's gone rotten.
77
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:42,380
I don't know what's in here.
78
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,049
Ah! Ah!
79
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I told you. You've been bitten!
80
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:49,387
Burnt! Burnt!
The fucking kettle's on fire!
81
00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:51,973
- There's something floating up.
- Fork it!
82
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,849
No, no, no. I don't wanna touch it.
83
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You must. You must!
The poop will bore through the glaze.
84
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,855
We'll never be able to use
the dinner service again.
85
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:02,483
Here, get it with the pliers.
86
00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:04,860
No, no. No, no, no, gloves.
Get me the gloves.
87
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:07,697
That's right. Put on the gloves.
88
00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:10,241
Don't attempt anything without the gloves.
89
00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,162
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
90
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:17,957
What is it? What have you found?
91
00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:19,625
Matter.
92
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:22,253
Matter? Where's it coming from?
93
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,672
Don't... don't look.
94
00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:27,133
I'm dealing with it.
95
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,844
I think we've been in here too long.
96
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:31,971
I feel unusual.
97
00:08:32,013 --> 00:08:34,140
I think we should go outside.
98
00:08:38,394 --> 00:08:40,688
This is ridiculous.
99
00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:45,067
Look at me. I'm 30 in a month
and I've got a sole flapping off my shoe.
100
00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:47,862
It will get better. It has to.
101
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:51,157
Easy for you to say, lovey.
You've had an audition.
102
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,826
Why can't I have an audition?
103
00:08:53,868 --> 00:08:58,456
It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school.
I'm good-looking.
104
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:02,793
I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent
than half the rubbish that gets on television.
105
00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:04,837
Why can't I get on television?
106
00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:07,506
I don't know. It'll happen.
107
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:09,925
Will it? That's what you say.
108
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:14,138
The only programme I'm likely to get on
is the fucking news.
109
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:17,266
I tell you, I can't take much more of this.
I'm gonna crack.
110
00:09:17,308 --> 00:09:20,560
- I'm in the same boat.
- Yeah, yeah.
111
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I feel as sick as a pike.
112
00:09:23,439 --> 00:09:25,816
I'm going to have to sit down.
113
00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:33,699
You know what we should do?
114
00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,577
I say, you know what we should do?
115
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:39,872
How can I possibly know
what we should do?
116
00:09:39,914 --> 00:09:41,624
What should we do?
117
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:43,959
Get out of it for a while,
118
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,212
get into the countryside, rejuvenate.
119
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:50,716
Rejuvenate. I'm in a park
and I'm practically dead.
120
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,052
What good's the countryside?
121
00:09:54,095 --> 00:09:56,806
What time is it?
122
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,265
It's eight.
123
00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,768
Four hours to opening time.
124
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God help us.
125
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,606
Have we got any embrocation?
126
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:09,110
- What for?
- To rub on us, you fool!
127
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,655
We can cover ourselves in Deep Heat
and get up against the radiator.
128
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,074
Keep ourselves alive till 12.
129
00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,826
(Spits)
130
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:19,495
Jesus, look at that.
131
00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:21,247
Apart from a raw potato,
132
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:25,459
that's the only solid to have
passed my lips in the last 60 hours.
133
00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:27,878
I must be ill.
134
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:33,926
"Even a stopped clock
gives the right time twice a day.
135
00:10:35,386 --> 00:10:39,473
"And for once, I am inclined
to believe that Withnail is right.
136
00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:43,978
"We are indeed drifting
into the arena of the unwell,
137
00:10:45,396 --> 00:10:47,815
"making an enemy of our own future.
138
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:51,902
"What we need is harmony.
139
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:54,029
"Fresh air, stuff like that."
140
00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:59,034
Wasn't much in the tube.
There's nothing left for you.
141
00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:02,163
Why don't you ask your father
for some money?
142
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,248
If we had some money we could go away.
143
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:07,168
Why don't you ask your father?
144
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,086
How can it be so cold in here?
145
00:11:09,128 --> 00:11:11,172
It's like Greenland in here.
146
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:14,717
(Shivering) We've got to get some booze.
147
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:17,553
It's the only solution to this intense cold.
148
00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:22,391
Something's got to be done.
We can't go on like this!
149
00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:25,978
I'm a trained actor,
reduced to the status of a bum!
150
00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:27,521
I mean, look at us.
151
00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:31,192
Nothing that reasonable members
of society demand as their rights.
152
00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:33,986
No fridges, no televisions, no phones.
153
00:11:34,028 --> 00:11:36,488
Much more of this,
I'm going to apply for meals on wheels.
154
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,450
- What happened to your cigar commercial?
- That's what I want to know.
155
00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:41,118
What happened to my cigar commercial?
156
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,746
What happened to my agent?
Bastard must have died.
157
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:46,040
September. It's a bad patch.
158
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:49,210
Rubbish! I haven't seen Gielgud
down the Labour Exchange.
159
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,629
Why doesn't he retire?
160
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,215
Oh, look at this little bastard.
161
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:58,427
"Boy lands plum role for top Italian director."
Of course he does!
162
00:11:58,469 --> 00:12:02,056
Probably on a tenner a day,
and I know what for.
163
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:05,434
Two pound ten a tit and a fiver for his arse.
164
00:12:08,479 --> 00:12:11,315
- Have you been at the controls?
- What are you talking about?
165
00:12:11,357 --> 00:12:13,359
The thermostats.
What have you done to them?
166
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,737
- I haven't touched them.
- Then why has my head gone numb?
167
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:22,701
I must have some booze.
I demand to have some booze!
168
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,331
- I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Why not? Why not?
169
00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:29,291
Because I don't advise it.
170
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,460
Even the wankers on the site
wouldn't drink that.
171
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:33,420
- That's worse than meths.
- Nonsense.
172
00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:35,297
This is a far superior drink to meths.
173
00:12:35,339 --> 00:12:38,509
The wankers don't drink it
because they can't afford it.
174
00:12:41,095 --> 00:12:43,013
(Gags)
175
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:45,057
(Gasps) Have we got any more?
176
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,352
Liar. What's in your tool box?
177
00:12:48,394 --> 00:12:50,521
Don't. We have nothing. Sit down.
178
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:53,148
Liar. You've got antifreeze.
179
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:56,193
You bloody fool.
You should never mix your drinks.
180
00:12:56,235 --> 00:12:58,320
(Laughing hysterically)
181
00:12:59,697 --> 00:13:01,782
(Retching)
182
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:09,164
(Withnail) All right. This is the plan.
We'll get in there and get wrecked.
183
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:12,710
Then we'll eat a pork pie and we'll
drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.
184
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:17,089
Means we'll miss out Monday,
but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
185
00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:20,884
- What's that appalling smell?
- Perfume on my boots.
186
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:23,595
I had to scrub them with essence of petunia.
187
00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:34,565
Two large gins. Two pints of cider.
Ice in the cider.
188
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:37,026
If my father was loaded,
I'd ask him for some money.
189
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:40,070
If your father was my father,
you wouldn't get it.
190
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:42,364
- Here you are, lads.
- Chin-chin.
191
00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:48,370
Ugh.
192
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:52,082
What about what's his name?
193
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:56,170
- What about him?
- Why don't you give him a call?
194
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,547
- What for?
- Ask him about his house.
195
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:02,634
You want me to call what's his name
and ask him about his house?
196
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,428
Why not?
197
00:14:04,470 --> 00:14:06,638
All right. What's his number?
198
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,848
I've no idea, I've never met him.
199
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:11,352
Well, neither have I.
Who the fuck are you talking about?
200
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:14,146
Your relative, with the house in the country.
201
00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:17,274
- Monty? Uncle Monty?
- That's him. That's the one.
202
00:14:17,316 --> 00:14:20,361
Get the Jag fixed up,
spend the week in the country.
203
00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:24,239
All right. Give us a tenner
and I'll give him a bell.
204
00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:27,076
Here, get a couple more in.
205
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:29,203
I'm going for a slash.
206
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,586
Ponce.
207
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:43,342
(Shivering) I could hardly
piss straight with fear.
208
00:14:43,384 --> 00:14:47,346
Here was a man with three-quarters of an inch
of brain who'd taken a dislike to me.
209
00:14:47,388 --> 00:14:49,098
What have I done to offend him?
210
00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:51,683
I don't consciously offend big men like this.
211
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:54,520
And this one has a definite
imbalance of hormone in him.
212
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:57,898
Get any more masculine than him,
you'd have to live up a tree.
213
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:01,402
"I fuck arses"? Who fucks arses?
214
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,404
Maybe he fucks arses.
215
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:07,533
Maybe he's written this
in some moment of drunken sincerity.
216
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:11,995
I'm in considerable danger in here.
I must get out of here at once.
217
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,085
(Big man) Perfumed ponce!
218
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:23,173
You'll be pleased to hear
Monty's invited us for drinks.
219
00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:25,134
Balls to Monty. We're getting out.
220
00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:28,345
Balls to Monty?
I've just spent an hour flattering the bugger.
221
00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:31,306
There's one over there that
doesn't like the perfume. A big one.
222
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,475
Don't look, don't look.
223
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,394
We're in danger. We've got to get out.
224
00:15:35,436 --> 00:15:37,312
What are you talking about?
225
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:40,232
I've been called a ponce.
226
00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:43,402
What fucker said that?
227
00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:50,951
I called him a ponce.
228
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:55,456
And now I'm calling you one. Ponce!
229
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,792
Would you like a drink?
230
00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,170
What's your name? MacFuck?
231
00:16:02,171 --> 00:16:04,756
I have a heart condition.
232
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:08,051
I have a heart condition.
If you hit me, it's murder.
233
00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:10,220
I'll murder the pair of youse.
234
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,558
My wife is having a baby.
235
00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:19,104
Listen, I don't know what
my f... acquaintance did to upset you,
236
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,982
but it's nothing to do with me.
237
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:27,404
I suggest you both go outside
and discuss it sensibly in the street.
238
00:16:27,446 --> 00:16:29,406
Aaah!
239
00:16:29,448 --> 00:16:31,992
Out of my way!
240
00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:42,002
Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights
without ever getting off the plane.
241
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:47,174
Time change. You lose, you gain.
242
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:52,011
Makes no difference,
so long as you keep taking the pills.
243
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:56,767
But sooner or later, you've got to get out,
because it's crashing.
244
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,937
And all at once, those frozen hours
245
00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:04,316
melt through the nervous system
and seep out the pores.
246
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,779
Bastards.
247
00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:13,158
Just to suck some miserable cheap cigar,
and the bastards won't see me.
248
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:19,748
- Why are we having lunch in here?
- It's dinner, and Danny's here.
249
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:22,042
Danny? How did he get in?
250
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:24,753
I let him in this morning.
He's lost one of his clogs.
251
00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:27,673
He's come in
because of this perpetual cold.
252
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,342
I hope tobacco sales plummet.
253
00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:35,055
I got your saveloy.
Here. I don't want it.
254
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,391
Then stick it in the soap tray
and save it for later.
255
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,519
Don't vent spleen on me.
I'm in the same boat.
256
00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:43,397
Stop saying that!
You're not in the same boat.
257
00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:47,526
The only thing you're in
that I've been in is this fucking bath.
258
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,155
Danny's here.
259
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,825
Head hunter to his friends.
260
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:59,204
Head hunter to everybody.
He doesn't have any friends.
261
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:02,207
The only people he converses with
are his clients
262
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,084
and, occasionally, the police.
263
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:09,506
The purveyor of rare herbs
and proscribed chemicals is back.
264
00:18:09,548 --> 00:18:12,134
Will we never be set free?
265
00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:18,640
Danny.
266
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:22,477
You're looking very beautiful, man.
Have you been away?
267
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:26,982
St Peter preached the epistles
to the apostles looking like that.
268
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:29,026
Have you got any food?
269
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:32,279
Hm. As a matter of fact,
I've got a saveloy.
270
00:18:32,321 --> 00:18:35,657
(Sniffs) How much is it?
271
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:37,868
You can have it for nothing.
272
00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:39,995
I see you're wearing a suit.
273
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:41,455
What's it got to do with you?
274
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:45,959
(Danny) No need to get uptight, man.
I was merely making an observation.
275
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:50,422
I happened to be looking for a suit
for the Coalman two weeks ago.
276
00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:53,675
For reasons I can't really discuss with you,
277
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:56,428
the Coalman had to go to Jamaica.
278
00:18:56,470 --> 00:18:59,473
Got busted coming back through Heathrow.
279
00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:04,353
Had a weight under his fez.
280
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:08,607
We worked out it would be handy karma
for him to get hold of a suit,
281
00:19:08,649 --> 00:19:11,943
but he's a very low temperature spade,
the Coalman.
282
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:15,530
Goes into court in his kaftan and a bell.
283
00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:19,451
(Coughs) This doesn't go down at all well.
284
00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:22,829
They can handle the kaftan.
They can't handle the bell.
285
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:26,208
So there's this judge sitting there
in a cape like fucking Batman,
286
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:28,502
with this really rather far out looking hat...
287
00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:30,128
- (Withnail) Wig.
- No, man.
288
00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:33,382
This was more like a long white hat.
289
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,676
So he looks at the Coalman and he says,
290
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:38,762
"What's all this? This is a court, man.
291
00:19:38,804 --> 00:19:40,806
"This ain't fancy dress."
292
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,058
And the Coalman looks at him and says,
293
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:46,186
"You think you look normal, Your Honour?"
294
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:49,690
- Cunt gives him two years.
- (Chuckles)
295
00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:54,361
I'm afraid I can't offer
you gentlemen anything.
296
00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:57,239
That's all right, Danny.
We decided to lay off for a bit.
297
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:02,077
That's what I thought.
Except for personal use, I concur with you.
298
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:06,707
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of retiring
and going into business.
299
00:20:06,748 --> 00:20:10,252
- Doing what?
- The toy industry.
300
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:15,090
- I thought you were in the bottle industry.
- No, man. That's a sideline.
301
00:20:15,132 --> 00:20:19,344
You can have that.
Instructions are included.
302
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:22,723
Yeah, my partner's got a really good idea
for making dolls.
303
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:26,351
His name's Presuming Ed.
304
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:30,397
His sister gave him the idea.
She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself.
305
00:20:30,439 --> 00:20:32,023
- Really?
- Yeah.
306
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:34,233
Then you gotta change its drawers for it.
307
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:37,279
It's horrible, really,
but they like that, the little girls.
308
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,823
So we're gonna make one
that shits itself as well.
309
00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:42,826
- Shits itself?
- He's an expert.
310
00:20:42,868 --> 00:20:45,203
He's building the prototype now.
311
00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,876
Why is he behaving so uptightly?
312
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,544
Because a gang of cheroot vendors
313
00:20:52,586 --> 00:20:54,963
considered a haircut beyond
the limit of my abilities.
314
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:58,383
I don't advise a haircut, man.
315
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:01,344
All hairdressers are
in the employment of the government.
316
00:21:01,386 --> 00:21:03,638
Hair are your aerials.
317
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:08,894
They pick up signals from the cosmos
and transmit them directly into the brain.
318
00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:12,314
This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
319
00:21:12,355 --> 00:21:14,733
What absolute twaddle.
320
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,236
- Has he just been busted?
- No.
321
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:20,363
Then why is he wearing that old suit?
322
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:21,907
Old suit?
323
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:24,159
This suit was cut
by Hawkes of Savile Row.
324
00:21:24,201 --> 00:21:26,328
Just because the best tailoring
you've ever seen
325
00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:28,789
is above your fucking appendix,
doesn't mean anything.
326
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:31,333
Don't get uptight with me, man.
327
00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:36,421
Cos if you do, I'll have
to give you a dose of medicine.
328
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:40,050
And if I spike you,
you'll know you've been spoken to.
329
00:21:40,091 --> 00:21:42,552
You wouldn't spike me. You're too mean.
330
00:21:42,594 --> 00:21:44,846
Besides, there's nothing invented
I couldn't take.
331
00:21:44,888 --> 00:21:50,811
If I medicined you, you'd think
a brain tumour was a birthday present.
332
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:55,732
I could take double anything you could.
333
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,238
Very, very foolish words, man.
334
00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:04,115
He's right, Withnail.
Look at him. His mechanism's gone.
335
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,243
He's had more drugs
than you've had hot dinners.
336
00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:10,163
I'm not having this shag-sack insulting me.
Let him get his drugs out.
337
00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:15,377
This doll is extremely dangerous.
338
00:22:17,254 --> 00:22:19,464
It has voodoo qualities.
339
00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:21,174
(Snorts)
340
00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:36,189
Trade - Phenodihydrochloride benzorex.
341
00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:39,276
Street - the Embalmer.
342
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,570
Balls. I'll swallow it and run a mile.
343
00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:43,947
Cool your boots, man.
344
00:22:43,989 --> 00:22:45,991
This pill's valued at two quid.
345
00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:49,578
- Two quid! You're out of your mind.
- That's sense, Withnail.
346
00:22:49,619 --> 00:22:51,788
You can stuff it up your arse for nothing
347
00:22:51,830 --> 00:22:54,416
and fuck off while you're doing it.
348
00:22:55,458 --> 00:22:58,211
No need to insult me, man.
349
00:22:58,253 --> 00:23:00,463
I was leaving anyway.
350
00:23:03,383 --> 00:23:05,468
Have either of you got shoes?
351
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:08,763
(Distant church bell tolling)
352
00:23:26,406 --> 00:23:29,743
(E Schubert: Piano Sonata in B flat major playing inside)
353
00:23:31,745 --> 00:23:33,580
Monty's car.
354
00:23:42,631 --> 00:23:44,841
Well, hello.
355
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:47,177
Come in.
356
00:23:53,475 --> 00:23:55,560
Sit down, do.
357
00:23:56,728 --> 00:23:58,313
- Would you like a drink?
- Sherry.
358
00:23:58,355 --> 00:24:00,440
Sherry.
359
00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:04,569
- Sherry?
- Sherry.
360
00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,696
Sherry.
361
00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:12,994
Do you like vegetables?
362
00:24:13,954 --> 00:24:18,959
I've always been fond of root crops,
but I only started to grow last summer.
363
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,587
I happen to think the cauliflower
more beautiful than the rose.
364
00:24:22,629 --> 00:24:24,506
Chin-chin.
365
00:24:24,547 --> 00:24:26,925
- Do you grow?
- Geraniums.
366
00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:28,635
Oh, you little traitors.
367
00:24:28,677 --> 00:24:32,471
I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating
than the geranium.
368
00:24:32,472 --> 00:24:36,685
Mm. The carrot has mystery.
369
00:24:36,726 --> 00:24:39,896
Flowers are essentially tarts.
370
00:24:39,938 --> 00:24:43,775
- Prostitutes for the bees.
- Hm.
371
00:24:43,817 --> 00:24:46,820
There is, you will agree,
a certain je ne sais quoi,
372
00:24:46,861 --> 00:24:51,324
oh, so very special,
about a firm young carrot...
373
00:24:51,366 --> 00:24:53,326
Hm. Excuse me.
374
00:24:53,368 --> 00:24:55,662
Do help yourselves to another drink.
375
00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:58,999
What's all this? The man's mad!
376
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,876
- Eccentric.
- Eccentric? He's insane.
377
00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,421
Not only that, he's a raving homosexual.
378
00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:05,922
(Cat yowls)
379
00:25:05,964 --> 00:25:08,758
(Monty) You beastly little parasite!
How dare you?
380
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,594
You little thug. How dare you?
381
00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:14,014
Ooh... Gah!
382
00:25:14,055 --> 00:25:17,350
Beastly, ungrateful little swine.
383
00:25:17,392 --> 00:25:20,812
- Shall I get you a drink, Monty?
- Yes, yes! Yes, please, dear boy.
384
00:25:20,854 --> 00:25:23,857
You can prepare me
a small rhesus negative Bloody Mary.
385
00:25:23,898 --> 00:25:25,275
And you must tell me all the news.
386
00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:27,777
I haven't seen you since
you finished your last film.
387
00:25:27,819 --> 00:25:30,822
Rather busy, Uncle. TV and stuff.
388
00:25:30,864 --> 00:25:34,200
My agent's attempting to edge me towards
the Royal Shakespeare Company again.
389
00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:37,245
- Oh, splendid.
- He's just had an audition for rep.
390
00:25:37,287 --> 00:25:41,624
Oh, splendid. So you're a thesbian, too'?
391
00:25:44,794 --> 00:25:46,755
Monty used to act.
392
00:25:46,796 --> 00:25:48,715
Oh, I'd hardly say that.
393
00:25:48,757 --> 00:25:51,301
It's true, I crept the boards in my youth,
394
00:25:51,342 --> 00:25:53,344
but I never really had it in my blood.
395
00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:57,474
And that's what's so essential, isn't it?
Theatrical zeal in the veins?
396
00:25:57,557 --> 00:26:01,644
Alas, I have little more than vintage wine
and memories.
397
00:26:06,149 --> 00:26:09,569
It is the most shattering experience
of a young man's life
398
00:26:09,611 --> 00:26:14,199
when, one morning, he awakes
and, quite reasonably, says to himself,
399
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:20,038
"I will never play the Dane."
400
00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:23,124
When that moment comes,
401
00:26:23,166 --> 00:26:26,211
one's ambition ceases.
402
00:26:28,421 --> 00:26:29,923
Don't you agree?
403
00:26:31,591 --> 00:26:33,218
It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
404
00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:35,720
And you'll be marvellous.
405
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:37,847
(Whispers) Marvellous.
406
00:26:39,099 --> 00:26:40,975
"It's gone.
407
00:26:41,017 --> 00:26:44,854
"We do it wrong, being so majestical
408
00:26:44,896 --> 00:26:47,606
"To offer it to the show of violence..."
409
00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:50,902
Let's go. He's a madman.
410
00:26:50,944 --> 00:26:53,655
Any minute now, he's gonna rush out
and get into his tights.
411
00:26:53,696 --> 00:26:57,283
- OK, OK. Give me a minute.
- The house or out.
412
00:26:59,536 --> 00:27:01,538
Could I have a word with you, Monty?
413
00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:04,415
Oh, forgive me, dear boy, forgive me.
414
00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:08,211
I was allowing memory
to have the better of me.
415
00:27:08,253 --> 00:27:10,839
- Shall I get you a top-up, Monty?
- Oh, thank you.
416
00:27:19,848 --> 00:27:23,768
(Monty) Indeed, I remember my first agent.
417
00:27:23,810 --> 00:27:26,646
Raymond Duck.
418
00:27:27,647 --> 00:27:31,109
He was a dreadful little Israelite.
419
00:27:31,151 --> 00:27:33,778
Four floors up on the Chafing Cross Road,
420
00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:35,905
and never a job at the top of them.
421
00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:41,411
I'm told you're a writer, too.
422
00:27:43,037 --> 00:27:45,874
Do you write poems?
423
00:27:45,915 --> 00:27:49,919
No, I wish I could. It's just thoughts, really.
424
00:27:51,171 --> 00:27:54,132
- Are you published?
- Oh, no.
425
00:27:54,174 --> 00:27:56,467
Where did you school?
426
00:27:56,509 --> 00:27:59,262
He went to the other place, Monty.
427
00:27:59,304 --> 00:28:02,599
- Oh, he went to Eton.
- (Miaowing)
428
00:28:02,682 --> 00:28:04,893
Get that damned little swine out of here.
429
00:28:04,934 --> 00:28:06,728
(Cat yowls)
430
00:28:06,769 --> 00:28:10,273
It's trying to get itself in with you.
It's trying for even more advantage.
431
00:28:10,315 --> 00:28:13,526
It's obsessed with its gut.
It's like a bloody rugby ball now.
432
00:28:13,568 --> 00:28:16,404
- It will die. It will die!
- Monty, Monty.
433
00:28:16,446 --> 00:28:19,532
No, no, no, dear boy.
You must leave. You must leave.
434
00:28:19,574 --> 00:28:21,868
Yet again, that oaf has destroyed my day.
435
00:28:21,910 --> 00:28:24,787
Listen, Monty. Could I just have
a quick word with you in private?
436
00:28:24,829 --> 00:28:27,624
Oh... very well.
437
00:28:39,052 --> 00:28:42,222
- Good night, my dears.
- Good night, Monty.
438
00:28:42,263 --> 00:28:45,642
What all this going off in private business?
Why did you tell him I went to Eton?
439
00:28:45,683 --> 00:28:48,353
Because it wouldn't have helped if I hadn't.
440
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:51,356
I was trying to establish you
in some sort of context he'd understand.
441
00:28:51,397 --> 00:28:52,482
What do you mean by that?
442
00:28:52,523 --> 00:28:57,570
I mean, free to those that can afford it,
and very expensive to those that can't.
443
00:29:01,074 --> 00:29:03,493
(I Jimi Hendrix: All Along The Watchtower)
444
00:29:20,093 --> 00:29:23,304
♪ There must be some
kind of way out of here
445
00:29:24,555 --> 00:29:27,225
♪ Said the joker to the thief
446
00:29:29,185 --> 00:29:32,021
♪ There's too much confusion
447
00:29:33,731 --> 00:29:36,901
♪ I can't get no relief
448
00:29:38,152 --> 00:29:42,865
♪ Businessmen, they drink my wine' ♪
449
00:29:42,907 --> 00:29:45,034
- Scrubbers!
♪ Ploughmen dig my earth ♪
450
00:29:45,076 --> 00:29:48,204
- Up yours, Granddad!
- Scrubbers!
451
00:29:48,246 --> 00:29:50,748
- Scrubbers!
- (Marwood) Shut up!
452
00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:53,793
Little tarts. They love it.
453
00:29:53,835 --> 00:29:57,088
Listen, I'm trying to drive this thing
as quietly as possible.
454
00:29:57,130 --> 00:30:01,009
If you don't shut up,
we'll get stopped by the police.
455
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:02,927
Give me the bottle.
456
00:30:02,969 --> 00:30:06,222
Look at that! Look at that!
"Accident black spot".
457
00:30:06,264 --> 00:30:11,394
These aren't accidents, they're throwing
themselves into the road gladly!
458
00:30:11,436 --> 00:30:15,523
Throwing themselves into this road
to escape all this hideousness.
459
00:30:15,565 --> 00:30:19,694
Throw yourself into the road, darling.
You haven't got a chance.
460
00:30:21,821 --> 00:30:24,949
♪ There are many here among us
461
00:30:26,159 --> 00:30:28,828
♪ Who feel that life is but a joke
462
00:30:30,580 --> 00:30:33,791
♪ But you and I, we've been through that
463
00:30:35,043 --> 00:30:37,837
♪ And this is not our fate
464
00:30:38,921 --> 00:30:42,717
♪ So let us not talk falsely now
465
00:30:43,676 --> 00:30:45,970
♪ The hour's getting late A'
466
00:30:58,107 --> 00:31:01,861
(Withnail) At some point or another
I want to stop and get hold of a child.
467
00:31:01,903 --> 00:31:03,654
(Marwood) What do you want a child for?
468
00:31:03,696 --> 00:31:05,990
(Withnail) To tutor it
in the ways of righteousness,
469
00:31:06,032 --> 00:31:08,451
and procure some uncontaminated urine.
470
00:31:08,493 --> 00:31:13,081
This is a device enabling the drunken driver
to operate in absolute safety.
471
00:31:13,122 --> 00:31:16,626
You fill this with piss,
take this pipe down the trouser,
472
00:31:18,586 --> 00:31:22,131
and sellotape this valve
to the end of the old chap.
473
00:31:22,173 --> 00:31:26,677
Then you get horribly drunk
and they can't fucking touch you.
474
00:31:26,719 --> 00:31:32,892
According to these instructions,
you refuse everything but a urine sample.
475
00:31:32,934 --> 00:31:35,561
You undo your valve,
476
00:31:35,603 --> 00:31:39,023
and give them a dose
of unadulterated child's piss.
477
00:31:39,065 --> 00:31:41,943
And they have to give you your keys back.
478
00:31:41,984 --> 00:31:44,362
Danny's a genius.
479
00:31:44,404 --> 00:31:46,364
I'm gonna have a doze.
480
00:31:56,707 --> 00:32:00,920
♪ All along the watchtower
481
00:32:01,671 --> 00:32:04,465
♪ Princess kept the view
482
00:32:06,175 --> 00:32:09,470
♪ While all the women came and went
483
00:32:10,513 --> 00:32:13,182
♪ Barefoot servants too
484
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,979
♪ Outside in the cold distance
485
00:32:19,313 --> 00:32:22,233
♪ A wild cat did growl
486
00:32:23,609 --> 00:32:27,238
♪ Two riders were approaching
487
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,992
♪ And the wind began to howl
488
00:32:31,033 --> 00:32:33,119
♪ Hey
489
00:32:39,208 --> 00:32:42,211
♪ All along the watchtower
490
00:32:46,591 --> 00:32:48,050
♪ There's gotta be a way
491
00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:50,178
♪ There's gotta be a way outta here
492
00:32:52,305 --> 00:32:55,016
♪ Yeah ♪
493
00:33:07,612 --> 00:33:10,239
- Are we there?
- No, we're not, we're here.
494
00:33:10,281 --> 00:33:12,992
And we're in the middle of a fucking gale.
495
00:33:14,285 --> 00:33:17,538
You'll have to keep a lookout your side.
If you see anything, tell me.
496
00:33:17,580 --> 00:33:19,624
And get hold of that map.
497
00:33:19,665 --> 00:33:22,418
- Where's the whisky?
- What for?
498
00:33:22,460 --> 00:33:24,670
I got a bastard behind the eyes.
499
00:33:24,712 --> 00:33:27,256
I can't take aspirins without a drink.
500
00:33:27,298 --> 00:33:31,052
- Where's the aspirins?
- Probably in the bathroom.
501
00:33:31,093 --> 00:33:34,597
You mean we've come out here in the middle
of fucking nowhere without aspirins?
502
00:33:34,639 --> 00:33:38,059
- Where are we?
- How should I know where we are?
503
00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:41,771
I feel like a pig shat in my head.
504
00:33:41,812 --> 00:33:45,233
Well, get hold of that map
and look for a place called Crow Crag.
505
00:34:02,166 --> 00:34:05,336
(Withnail) There must
and shall be aspirin.
506
00:34:07,296 --> 00:34:09,465
(Marwood) Give me the key
and get out of the way.
507
00:34:10,967 --> 00:34:17,306
(Withnail) If I don't get aspirin, I shall die,
here, on this fucking mountainside.
508
00:34:18,474 --> 00:34:21,143
(Door creaks)
509
00:34:21,185 --> 00:34:24,105
(Wind whistling)
510
00:34:24,146 --> 00:34:26,148
(Slams door)
511
00:34:33,656 --> 00:34:35,825
Christ Almighty!
512
00:35:10,610 --> 00:35:12,945
Monty?
513
00:35:29,337 --> 00:35:30,921
What are you doing?
514
00:35:30,963 --> 00:35:34,550
Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.
515
00:35:37,345 --> 00:35:40,681
Right. Now, we're going
to have to approach this scientifically.
516
00:35:40,723 --> 00:35:43,726
First thing we've got to do
is get this fire alight.
517
00:35:43,768 --> 00:35:45,770
Then we split into two fact-finding groups.
518
00:35:45,811 --> 00:35:51,025
I'll deal with the water and other plumbings.
You can check the fuel and wood situation.
519
00:35:55,196 --> 00:35:58,032
- What's that?
- The fuel and wood situation.
520
00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:02,244
There's nothing out there
except a hurricane.
521
00:36:05,206 --> 00:36:08,709
- This place is uninhabitable.
- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
522
00:36:08,751 --> 00:36:11,921
Warm up? We may as well
sit around a cigarette.
523
00:36:11,962 --> 00:36:14,048
This is ridiculous.
524
00:36:15,007 --> 00:36:18,010
We'll be found dead in here next spring.
525
00:36:19,095 --> 00:36:22,014
I've got a blinding fucking headache.
526
00:36:22,056 --> 00:36:24,600
I must have heat.
527
00:36:27,436 --> 00:36:30,189
(Withnail) Problem is,
we've got to keep this bastard burning.
528
00:36:30,231 --> 00:36:32,858
Well, we've got enough furniture for tonight.
529
00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:35,486
Tomorrow we get down that farm
and get some logs.
530
00:36:35,528 --> 00:36:40,199
This is all a mistake. I tell you.
This is a dreadful mistake.
531
00:36:40,241 --> 00:36:41,992
(Gasps)
532
00:36:42,034 --> 00:36:44,120
(Birdsong)
533
00:38:48,577 --> 00:38:51,163
(Knocks)(Dogs barking)
534
00:38:51,205 --> 00:38:53,833
- (Woman) Who's there?
- Me.
535
00:38:57,461 --> 00:39:01,048
- What do you want?
- I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's.
536
00:39:01,090 --> 00:39:05,886
He's lent us his cottage.
I wondered if you could sell us some food.
537
00:39:05,928 --> 00:39:08,138
- Eggs and things?
- Hm?
538
00:39:11,892 --> 00:39:14,812
What about wood and coal?
539
00:39:16,230 --> 00:39:18,524
I'm not from London, you know.
540
00:39:18,566 --> 00:39:20,651
I don't care where you come from!
541
00:39:21,944 --> 00:39:27,032
Not the attitude I'd been given to expect
from the HE Bates novel I'd read.
542
00:39:27,074 --> 00:39:31,370
I thought they'd all be out the back,
drinking cider and discussing butter.
543
00:39:31,412 --> 00:39:33,414
- (Bleating)
- Clearly a myth.
544
00:39:34,248 --> 00:39:38,168
Evidently, country people are no more
receptive to strangers than city dwellers.
545
00:39:38,210 --> 00:39:40,880
- (Knocks)
- (Dogs bark)
546
00:39:41,922 --> 00:39:44,925
Do you think you could tell me
where I could buy some coal and wood?
547
00:39:44,967 --> 00:39:48,429
(Woman) You'll have to see me son.
He runs this farm.
548
00:39:48,470 --> 00:39:51,307
- Where is your son'?
- Up in top field.
549
00:39:51,348 --> 00:39:55,686
You can't miss him.
His leg's bound in polythene.
550
00:40:13,078 --> 00:40:15,080
Ah!
551
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:23,255
Withnail, you bastard. Wake up!
552
00:40:24,965 --> 00:40:28,552
Oi! Wake up you bastard!
You gotta get wood.
553
00:40:28,594 --> 00:40:32,056
- (Splashing)
- Jesus, you're covered in shit.
554
00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:34,808
I tried to get fuel and wood.
555
00:40:34,850 --> 00:40:37,019
There's a miserable
little pensioner down there.
556
00:40:37,061 --> 00:40:38,562
She wouldn't give it to me.
557
00:40:38,604 --> 00:40:40,230
Well, where are we gonna get it, then?
558
00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:42,733
There's a man on the mountain.
559
00:40:42,775 --> 00:40:45,486
Why he's up there, fuck knows.
560
00:40:45,819 --> 00:40:48,989
Ugh! But he's up there
with a leg bound in polythene.
561
00:40:49,031 --> 00:40:51,742
You can't miss him. He's your man.
562
00:40:51,784 --> 00:40:54,203
And have another look in that shed.
Find anything.
563
00:40:54,244 --> 00:40:56,997
If you can't find anything,
bring in the shed.
564
00:41:01,961 --> 00:41:05,506
How come Monty owns
such a horrible little shack?
565
00:41:05,547 --> 00:41:08,717
- No idea.
- Never discuss your family, do you?
566
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:12,388
I fail to see my family
is of any interest to you.
567
00:41:12,471 --> 00:41:15,224
I have absolutely no interest in yours.
568
00:41:15,265 --> 00:41:19,353
I dislike relatives in general,
and my own in particular.
569
00:41:19,395 --> 00:41:21,230
- Why?
- Because...
570
00:41:21,271 --> 00:41:24,984
I've told you why. We're incompatible.
571
00:41:25,025 --> 00:41:27,111
They don't like me being on stage.
572
00:41:27,152 --> 00:41:29,530
Then they must be delighted
with your career.
573
00:41:29,571 --> 00:41:32,324
- What do you mean?
- You rarely are.
574
00:41:32,366 --> 00:41:34,618
You just wait. Just you wait.
575
00:41:34,660 --> 00:41:37,579
When I strike,
they won't know what hit them.
576
00:41:37,621 --> 00:41:40,290
There's a tractor approaching.
577
00:41:40,332 --> 00:41:43,168
Get after him. That's the man.
578
00:41:45,337 --> 00:41:48,048
- Hey, Stop!
- Stop!
579
00:41:48,090 --> 00:41:51,010
(Marwood) Stop, please! (Withnail) Stop!
580
00:41:51,051 --> 00:41:53,804
Stop, please! Please, stop!
581
00:41:56,890 --> 00:41:58,642
Please, stop.
582
00:41:58,684 --> 00:42:01,729
(Withnail) Are you the farmer?
(Marwood) Shut up. I'll deal with this.
583
00:42:01,770 --> 00:42:04,523
We've gone on holiday by mistake.
584
00:42:04,565 --> 00:42:06,817
We're in this cottage here.
Are you the farmer?
585
00:42:06,859 --> 00:42:10,571
Stop saying that, Withnail.
Of course he's the fucking farmer!
586
00:42:11,697 --> 00:42:13,615
We're friends of Montague Withnail.
587
00:42:13,657 --> 00:42:15,743
We desperately need fuel and wood.
588
00:42:17,119 --> 00:42:18,871
Montague Withnail.
589
00:42:18,912 --> 00:42:21,582
You must know him.
Fat man, owns the cottage.
590
00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:25,169
Ah, I seen a fat man.
London type. Queer sort.
591
00:42:25,210 --> 00:42:27,463
I think his name's, er, French or summat.
592
00:42:27,546 --> 00:42:30,215
- French?
- Aye, Adrien de la Touche.
593
00:42:30,257 --> 00:42:32,342
But he ain't been here for a couple of years.
594
00:42:32,384 --> 00:42:34,803
Last time I saw him he were...
he were with his son.
595
00:42:34,845 --> 00:42:36,305
Yeah, that's him.
596
00:42:36,346 --> 00:42:38,849
Listen, we're bona fide.
We're not from London.
597
00:42:38,891 --> 00:42:40,601
Could we have some fuel and wood?
598
00:42:40,642 --> 00:42:44,313
Aye, I could bring you some logs over later,
but I've got the cows and that to feed first.
599
00:42:44,354 --> 00:42:46,607
- When?
- Shut up! That would be very kind of you.
600
00:42:46,648 --> 00:42:49,568
Erm, what about food? Do you think
you could sell us something to eat?
601
00:42:49,610 --> 00:42:52,613
I could bring you a chicken,
but you'll have to go to the village really.
602
00:42:52,654 --> 00:42:54,740
- That would be very kind of you, Mr...
- Parkin.
603
00:42:54,782 --> 00:42:57,868
Mr Parkin. What happened to your leg?
604
00:42:57,910 --> 00:43:01,455
Got a randy bull up there.
Give me one in t'knee.
605
00:43:01,497 --> 00:43:03,665
(♪ Al Bowlly:
Hang Out The Stars In Indiana)
606
00:43:03,707 --> 00:43:06,376
(♪ Whistling along)
607
00:43:11,757 --> 00:43:13,842
♪ Hang out the stars in Indiana... ♪
608
00:43:13,884 --> 00:43:17,221
You wanna get out the back, don't you?
Get some spuds up?
609
00:43:17,262 --> 00:43:20,140
Sorry, I can't. My boots are in the oven.
610
00:43:22,601 --> 00:43:25,854
- You'd go if you had boots?
- Gladly.
611
00:43:25,896 --> 00:43:31,193
♪ To light my way back home to you
612
00:43:32,027 --> 00:43:36,907
♪ Have every robin sing a love song
613
00:43:36,949 --> 00:43:40,744
♪ A melody just meant for two
614
00:43:42,079 --> 00:43:45,666
♪ For in my heart, there'll be a love song
615
00:43:45,707 --> 00:43:51,130
♪ A song I long to sing to you a
616
00:43:51,964 --> 00:43:53,966
- ♪ How could I find... ♪ - I've got one!
617
00:43:54,007 --> 00:43:56,969
♪ The things I sought for?
618
00:43:57,010 --> 00:44:01,849
♪ No wonder they were all denied
619
00:44:01,890 --> 00:44:06,145
♪ The very happiness I fought for
620
00:44:06,186 --> 00:44:10,566
♪ Was right back by your side
621
00:44:11,817 --> 00:44:15,445
♪ So wait for me in Indiana
622
00:44:16,655 --> 00:44:19,116
♪ And when the long, long day
is through... a'
623
00:44:19,158 --> 00:44:21,076
Great! How much do we owe you?
624
00:44:21,118 --> 00:44:23,036
Er, pay us when you come down.
625
00:44:23,078 --> 00:44:25,831
- What about this chicken?
- It's on t'back.
626
00:44:25,873 --> 00:44:31,503
♪ To light my way back home to you
627
00:44:36,049 --> 00:44:39,386
Oi. Oi.
628
00:44:39,428 --> 00:44:42,347
Parkin's been. There's the supper.
629
00:44:43,265 --> 00:44:45,309
- What are we supposed to do with that?
- Eat it.
630
00:44:45,350 --> 00:44:48,729
- Eat it? Fucker's alive!
- Yeah, I know that. You've got to kill it.
631
00:44:48,770 --> 00:44:50,689
Me? I'm the fire lighter and fuel collector.
632
00:44:50,731 --> 00:44:53,692
Yeah, I know that, but I got the logs in.
633
00:44:57,821 --> 00:45:00,115
You know, it takes away your appetite, looking at it.
634
00:45:00,157 --> 00:45:02,242
No it doesn't. I'm starving.
635
00:45:03,285 --> 00:45:06,580
- How can we make it die?
- You've got to throttle them.
636
00:45:06,622 --> 00:45:09,249
Listen, I think
you should strangle it instantly,
637
00:45:09,291 --> 00:45:11,418
in case it starts trying
to make friends with us.
638
00:45:11,460 --> 00:45:15,631
All right. Get hold of it.
You hold it down and I'll strangle it.
639
00:45:15,714 --> 00:45:19,509
I can't. Those dreadful beady eyes,
they stare you out.
640
00:45:19,551 --> 00:45:23,472
It's a bloody chicken.
Just think of it with bacon across its back.
641
00:45:23,513 --> 00:45:25,599
- All right. I'll deal with this.
- (Clucking)
642
00:45:25,641 --> 00:45:27,768
You'll have to get its guts out.
643
00:45:35,817 --> 00:45:39,154
Never point guns at people.
It's extremely dangerous.
644
00:45:39,196 --> 00:45:41,740
What about this roasting dish?
What are we gonna cook it in?
645
00:45:41,782 --> 00:45:43,951
You're the food and plumbings man.
I've no idea.
646
00:45:43,992 --> 00:45:46,078
I wish I'd found this an hour ago.
647
00:45:46,119 --> 00:45:49,915
I'd have taken great pleasure
in gunning this pullet down.
648
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:55,212
- Shouldn't it be more bald than that?
- No, it shouldn't.
649
00:45:55,254 --> 00:45:59,258
Right. We're gonna have
to reverse the roles.
650
00:45:59,299 --> 00:46:01,969
We can bake the potatoes in the oven.
651
00:46:03,804 --> 00:46:06,890
And we can boil this bastard over the fire.
652
00:46:06,932 --> 00:46:08,600
Let's get its feet off.
653
00:46:08,642 --> 00:46:11,603
No, it's gonna need its feet.
654
00:46:27,536 --> 00:46:30,580
It can stand with its legs either side of that.
655
00:46:38,672 --> 00:46:41,717
I've already put two shilling pieces in.
656
00:46:41,758 --> 00:46:44,469
No, I haven't got another.
657
00:46:44,511 --> 00:46:47,556
Well, it's not my fault
if the system doesn't work.
658
00:46:49,850 --> 00:46:52,227
Bitch hung up on me.
659
00:47:07,075 --> 00:47:09,244
Hello? How are you?
660
00:47:10,245 --> 00:47:12,831
Very well.
661
00:47:12,873 --> 00:47:15,167
A What?
662
00:47:15,208 --> 00:47:17,377
Why wouldn't they see me?
663
00:47:17,419 --> 00:47:20,964
This is ridiculous.
I haven't been up for a job in three months.
664
00:47:22,549 --> 00:47:25,719
Understudy Konstantin?
I'm not going to understudy Konstantin.
665
00:47:25,761 --> 00:47:28,221
Why can't I play the part?
666
00:47:28,263 --> 00:47:31,016
This is ridiculous.
667
00:47:31,058 --> 00:47:33,393
No, I'm not in London. Penrith.
668
00:47:33,435 --> 00:47:35,604
Penrith!
669
00:47:35,645 --> 00:47:37,856
Well, what about TV?
670
00:47:38,857 --> 00:47:41,818
Listen, I pay you ten per cent to do that.
671
00:47:41,860 --> 00:47:45,447
Well, lick ten per cent
of the arses for me, then.
672
00:47:45,489 --> 00:47:48,325
Hello? Hello? Hello?
673
00:47:48,367 --> 00:47:52,079
Hello? How dare you? Fuck you!
674
00:47:53,038 --> 00:47:55,415
(Banging)
675
00:47:56,375 --> 00:48:00,379
Bastard asked me to understudy
Konstantin in The Seagull.
676
00:48:02,422 --> 00:48:04,633
I'm not going to understudy anybody.
677
00:48:04,674 --> 00:48:07,344
Specially that little pimp.
678
00:48:08,220 --> 00:48:10,764
Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays.
679
00:48:10,806 --> 00:48:13,934
Always full of women
staring out of windows,
680
00:48:13,975 --> 00:48:16,103
whining about ducks going to Moscow.
681
00:48:26,738 --> 00:48:30,617
- What do you think of Desmond Wolfe?
- In respect of what?
682
00:48:30,659 --> 00:48:32,661
I'm thinking of changing my name.
683
00:48:32,702 --> 00:48:34,788
It's too like Donald Wolf it.
684
00:48:35,831 --> 00:48:37,666
Changeover point.
685
00:48:37,707 --> 00:48:39,793
(Tractor engine chugging)
686
00:48:42,629 --> 00:48:45,257
- Do you think he's happier than us?
- No.
687
00:48:50,345 --> 00:48:52,389
I suppose happiness is relative.
688
00:48:52,431 --> 00:48:55,392
But I never thought it would be
a polythene bag without a hole in it.
689
00:48:55,434 --> 00:48:58,728
- Hey!
- What's the matter with him?
690
00:48:58,770 --> 00:49:01,273
- Shut that gate! Shut that gate!
- (Mooing)
691
00:49:01,314 --> 00:49:02,774
You didn't shut the gate.
692
00:49:02,816 --> 00:49:05,360
- (Bellowing)
- (Parkin) Stop that bull!
693
00:49:05,402 --> 00:49:07,654
Stop that bull!
694
00:49:08,405 --> 00:49:10,323
(Bellowing)
695
00:49:12,242 --> 00:49:14,744
Grab its ring. Keep your bag up.
696
00:49:14,786 --> 00:49:16,288
- Out vibe it.
- (Bel/owing)
697
00:49:16,329 --> 00:49:19,708
(Panting) Hey! Show no fear.
Just run at it.
698
00:49:19,749 --> 00:49:22,794
That can't be sensible, can it?
The bastard's about to run at me!
699
00:49:22,836 --> 00:49:25,172
- Well, he's randy.
- Yes, yeah, I know he is!
700
00:49:25,213 --> 00:49:27,591
He wants to get down there
and have sex with those cows.
701
00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:29,759
- Shut up, Withnail!
- (Snorting)
702
00:49:29,801 --> 00:49:31,511
Run at it, shouting!
703
00:49:31,553 --> 00:49:34,973
- Do as he says. Start shouting.
- (Snorting)
704
00:49:36,308 --> 00:49:37,851
It won't gore you.
705
00:49:37,893 --> 00:49:43,064
A coward you are, Withnail.
An expert on bulls, you are not.
706
00:49:43,106 --> 00:49:45,983
- Aaaah.
(Bellowing)
707
00:49:45,984 --> 00:49:48,653
- (Grunts)
- Aaaah! Aaaah!
708
00:49:48,695 --> 00:49:52,073
- Aaaaaaah!
- (Bellows)
709
00:49:55,785 --> 00:49:57,746
Shut that gate and keep it shut!
710
00:49:57,787 --> 00:50:00,540
(Bull bellowing)
711
00:50:00,582 --> 00:50:03,376
I think an evening at the Crow.
712
00:50:06,296 --> 00:50:10,133
If the Crow and Crown ever had life,
it was dead now.
713
00:50:10,175 --> 00:50:12,511
It was like walking into a lung.
714
00:50:12,552 --> 00:50:17,474
A sulphur-stained, nicotine yellow
and fly-blown lung.
715
00:50:17,516 --> 00:50:21,561
Its landlord was a retired alcoholic
with military pretensions
716
00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:24,689
and a complexion
like the inside of a teapot.
717
00:50:24,731 --> 00:50:27,859
By the time the doors opened,
he was arseholed on rum,
718
00:50:27,901 --> 00:50:30,153
and got progressively more arseholed,
719
00:50:30,195 --> 00:50:33,365
till he could take no more
and fell over about 12 o'clock.
720
00:50:33,406 --> 00:50:35,283
(Register dings)
721
00:50:36,284 --> 00:50:38,954
We'll have another pair of large scotches.
722
00:50:53,802 --> 00:50:55,887
(Register dings)
- Oof!
723
00:50:56,846 --> 00:50:59,849
Thought I was going for a minute.
724
00:50:59,891 --> 00:51:01,893
No man's put me down yet.
725
00:51:01,935 --> 00:51:04,187
Have you had any training
in the martial arts?
726
00:51:04,229 --> 00:51:06,439
Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
727
00:51:06,481 --> 00:51:09,651
Before I became a journalist,
I was in the Territorials.
728
00:51:09,693 --> 00:51:12,571
Do you know? When you first came in here,
729
00:51:12,612 --> 00:51:15,949
I knew you were a services man.
730
00:51:15,991 --> 00:51:18,702
You can never, never disguise it.
731
00:51:21,913 --> 00:51:24,874
- What were you in?
- Tanks.
732
00:51:24,916 --> 00:51:28,420
Africa Corps. A little before your time.
733
00:51:28,461 --> 00:51:30,964
Don't supposed you've engaged, have you?
734
00:51:31,006 --> 00:51:32,799
Ireland.
735
00:51:32,841 --> 00:51:35,468
Ooh, a crack at the Mick.
736
00:51:35,510 --> 00:51:38,555
We'll have another pair of large scotches.
737
00:51:38,597 --> 00:51:40,682
These shall be my pleasure.
738
00:51:46,688 --> 00:51:48,732
What are you doing up here, then?
739
00:51:48,773 --> 00:51:52,902
We're doing a feature for Country Life.
A survey of rural types.
740
00:51:52,944 --> 00:51:58,491
You know, eh, farmers, travelling tinkers,
milkmen and that sort of thing.
741
00:51:59,117 --> 00:52:01,202
Have you, er...
742
00:52:04,414 --> 00:52:06,166
Have you met Jake?
743
00:52:06,207 --> 00:52:08,918
Poacher. Works the lake.
744
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:12,505
But, eh, keep it under your hat, hm?
745
00:52:12,547 --> 00:52:14,633
(Chuckles)
746
00:52:23,016 --> 00:52:25,018
What's all this army bollocks?
747
00:52:25,060 --> 00:52:27,270
We got a drink, didn't we?
748
00:52:31,191 --> 00:52:33,276
Time, gentlemen.
749
00:52:35,278 --> 00:52:37,364
I think he means it.
750
00:53:08,853 --> 00:53:12,148
- (Whispering) Ask him if we can have one.
- What for?
751
00:53:12,190 --> 00:53:15,527
So we can eat it. We're fed up with stew.
752
00:53:21,866 --> 00:53:23,952
Excuse me. Could we have an eel?
753
00:53:25,412 --> 00:53:28,623
- You've got eels down your leg.
- You leave them alone.
754
00:53:28,665 --> 00:53:31,876
Nothing down there of interest to you.
755
00:53:32,752 --> 00:53:34,963
Help us out, Raymond.
756
00:53:35,922 --> 00:53:39,843
He's been fed from arsehole to beak.
757
00:53:41,636 --> 00:53:44,305
What about one of those pheasants?
758
00:53:44,347 --> 00:53:46,725
Go on. Ask him.
759
00:53:46,766 --> 00:53:51,229
Excuse me. We were wondering
if we could purchase a pheasant off of you.
760
00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,732
No. I've got nothing to sell.
761
00:53:53,773 --> 00:53:56,735
Oh, come on, old boy.
What's in your hump?
762
00:53:56,776 --> 00:54:00,238
Now look you,
them pheasants are for his pot.
763
00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:01,823
These eels are for my pot.
764
00:54:01,865 --> 00:54:04,701
What makes you think I should
give you something for your pot?
765
00:54:04,743 --> 00:54:06,953
- What pot?
- Our cooking pot.
766
00:54:06,995 --> 00:54:09,080
Ah. He knows.
767
00:54:09,122 --> 00:54:11,499
Hey. Give us a wheeze on that fag.
768
00:54:15,253 --> 00:54:17,797
I might come
and see you lads in the week.
769
00:54:17,839 --> 00:54:19,340
I might fetch you up a rabbit.
770
00:54:19,382 --> 00:54:21,258
We don't want a rabbit.
We want a pheasant.
771
00:54:21,259 --> 00:54:24,763
Listen, you young prat,
I ain't got no pheasants.
772
00:54:24,804 --> 00:54:27,348
Ain't got no birds, no more than you have.
773
00:54:27,390 --> 00:54:30,602
Of course you have. You're the poacher.
774
00:54:30,643 --> 00:54:33,897
If I hear more words out of you,
775
00:54:33,938 --> 00:54:36,900
I'll put one of these here black pods on you.
776
00:54:36,941 --> 00:54:40,320
- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Half dead he may be.
777
00:54:40,361 --> 00:54:43,990
But I'll come up after you
and I'll wake you up with a live one.
778
00:54:44,032 --> 00:54:47,952
Sod your pheasants.
You'll have to find us first.
779
00:54:47,994 --> 00:54:50,747
I know where you are.
You're at Crow Crag.
780
00:54:51,706 --> 00:54:56,002
I've been watching you.
Especially you, prancing like a tit.
781
00:54:57,712 --> 00:54:59,964
You want working on, boy.
782
00:55:00,715 --> 00:55:04,302
(Withnail) If I see that silage heap
hanging about up here,
783
00:55:04,344 --> 00:55:07,388
I'll take the bastard axe to him!
784
00:55:07,430 --> 00:55:09,682
(Echoing) Bastards!
785
00:55:09,724 --> 00:55:11,810
You'll all suffer!
786
00:55:11,851 --> 00:55:14,311
I'll show the lot of you!
787
00:55:14,312 --> 00:55:17,899
(Yells) I'm gonna be a star!
788
00:55:17,941 --> 00:55:20,026
(Echoing)
789
00:55:22,195 --> 00:55:26,783
Vegetables again?
We'll be sprouting bloody feelers soon.
790
00:55:26,825 --> 00:55:29,994
Must be 20,000 sheep
out there on those volcanoes,
791
00:55:30,036 --> 00:55:32,956
- and we've got a plateful of carrots.
- There's black puddings in it.
792
00:55:32,997 --> 00:55:35,458
Black puddings are no good to us.
793
00:55:35,500 --> 00:55:38,461
I want something's flesh.
794
00:55:45,552 --> 00:55:47,303
Waah!
795
00:55:50,056 --> 00:55:52,809
Look! Come here, look. Down here, look.
796
00:55:52,851 --> 00:55:54,853
Under the rock. Look, I can see it.
797
00:55:56,729 --> 00:55:58,773
Here, look.
798
00:55:59,607 --> 00:56:03,778
See. Look. Here.
There's two of them here, look.
799
00:56:03,820 --> 00:56:05,572
Come on, come on, come on.
800
00:56:30,305 --> 00:56:34,183
I think I'll call myself Donald Twain.
801
00:56:34,225 --> 00:56:35,935
(Whispers) Stop.
802
00:56:35,977 --> 00:56:37,812
Get down.
803
00:56:40,231 --> 00:56:42,775
It's him. What does he want?
804
00:56:42,817 --> 00:56:44,944
(Marwood) We'd better
get down there and ask him.
805
00:56:44,986 --> 00:56:47,530
Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.
Bastard's psychotic.
806
00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:49,991
You've only got to look at him.
807
00:56:59,208 --> 00:57:01,961
This place has become impossible.
808
00:57:02,921 --> 00:57:05,924
Perpetual rain. Freezing cold.
809
00:57:05,965 --> 00:57:08,509
And now a bloody madman
on the prowl outside with eels.
810
00:57:08,551 --> 00:57:10,637
All right. You've made your point.
811
00:57:12,722 --> 00:57:14,974
We'll pack up and we'll get out tomorrow.
812
00:57:15,016 --> 00:57:16,893
- What are you doing?
- I'm going for a slash.
813
00:57:16,935 --> 00:57:19,771
No, you're not, you can't.
I can't get my boots on when they're hot.
814
00:57:19,812 --> 00:57:21,272
- I'll go alone.
- No, you won't.
815
00:57:21,314 --> 00:57:23,024
You're not leaving me in here alone.
816
00:57:23,066 --> 00:57:25,026
Those are the kind of windows
faces look in at.
817
00:57:25,068 --> 00:57:26,653
All right, then, I won't have a slash.
818
00:57:26,694 --> 00:57:29,447
And in both our interests,
I think we should sleep together tonight.
819
00:57:29,489 --> 00:57:31,991
Don't be ridiculous.
He's not going to come up here in the dark.
820
00:57:32,033 --> 00:57:35,203
Of course he is. If he decides to come
up here and catches one of us unawares,
821
00:57:35,244 --> 00:57:37,664
he's got a much better chance
of dealing with the other.
822
00:57:37,705 --> 00:57:39,832
- No. (Slams door)
823
00:57:47,674 --> 00:57:50,301
(Chuckling)
824
00:57:52,887 --> 00:57:55,974
What's the matter with you?
What are you laughing at?
825
00:57:57,100 --> 00:58:00,228
- I was dreaming. What do you want?
- You frightened the piss out of me.
826
00:58:00,269 --> 00:58:02,355
Move over, I'm getting in.
827
00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:08,736
Ah, this is ridiculous.
828
00:58:08,778 --> 00:58:11,781
- Ah, I'll have to sleep in your bed.
- I'll have to come with you, then.
829
00:58:11,823 --> 00:58:13,825
- Oh, will you get out?
- No.
830
00:58:13,866 --> 00:58:16,244
Right, then I Will.
831
00:58:24,085 --> 00:58:26,713
All right. You can stay,
but the gun doesn't.
832
00:58:26,754 --> 00:58:29,549
No. I have to keep the gun.
I intend to remain awake till morning.
833
00:58:29,590 --> 00:58:31,508
No, this is my bed
and I demand precedence.
834
00:58:31,509 --> 00:58:33,803
- No!
- Give me the gun! Give me...
835
00:58:38,516 --> 00:58:41,602
Mad fucking bastard!
836
00:58:41,644 --> 00:58:43,688
(Glass smashing)
837
00:58:53,322 --> 00:58:55,408
(Creaking)
838
00:59:05,084 --> 00:59:06,961
(Muff/ed) Get out. Fuck you. Fuck off!
839
00:59:07,003 --> 00:59:09,130
Sh! Listen! Listen.
840
00:59:09,172 --> 00:59:10,757
There is nothing! Get to bed.
841
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,676
(Whispers) I heard a noise.
842
00:59:13,718 --> 00:59:15,803
I must get in.
843
00:59:16,929 --> 00:59:19,265
Oh, for fuck's sake.
844
00:59:19,307 --> 00:59:20,892
- (Clattering)
- What was that?
845
00:59:20,933 --> 00:59:23,478
- That's it! That's it!
- What is it?
846
00:59:23,561 --> 00:59:25,521
It's the maniac.
847
00:59:25,563 --> 00:59:29,567
- It's probably foxes looking for grub.
- Listen! Listen!
848
00:59:30,276 --> 00:59:32,361
Maybe it's the farmer.
849
00:59:32,403 --> 00:59:34,947
At two o'clock in the morning?
850
00:59:34,989 --> 00:59:38,117
It's the killer. He's come to kill us.
851
00:59:38,159 --> 00:59:39,994
What are we gonna do?
852
00:59:40,036 --> 00:59:42,163
- (Creaking and thumping)
- (Gasps)
853
00:59:42,205 --> 00:59:45,374
(Whispers) He wants to come in,
he's trying to get in.
854
00:59:45,416 --> 00:59:49,504
- He can't. He'll go away.
- (Footsteps)
855
00:59:49,587 --> 00:59:51,714
- He's going away.
- (Bird calls)
856
00:59:57,011 --> 01:00:00,556
This is all your fault.
You've even given him the fucking gun.
857
01:00:03,684 --> 01:00:05,645
(Glass smashing)
858
01:00:05,686 --> 01:00:09,482
He's coming through the window.
He's getting in.
859
01:00:09,524 --> 01:00:12,985
- Gimme the matches.
- Downstairs.
860
01:00:13,027 --> 01:00:14,987
- (Creaking)
- He's in.
861
01:00:15,029 --> 01:00:18,866
- (Scraping)
- He's sharpening a fucking knife.
862
01:00:18,908 --> 01:00:20,993
(Scraping)
863
01:00:21,035 --> 01:00:23,287
We'll have to tackle him.
864
01:00:23,329 --> 01:00:25,081
You stay in bed and pretend to be asleep.
865
01:00:25,123 --> 01:00:27,416
He'll go for you.
When he does, I'll jump on his back.
866
01:00:27,458 --> 01:00:29,752
No, no, no, no, it'll be too late.
I'll be knifed by then.
867
01:00:29,794 --> 01:00:32,296
We'll have to try
and make friends with him.
868
01:00:33,297 --> 01:00:35,383
(Creaking footsteps)
869
01:00:38,803 --> 01:00:42,890
He's going into your room.
It's you he wants.
870
01:00:42,932 --> 01:00:45,017
Offer him yourself.
871
01:00:53,651 --> 01:00:56,320
(Moaning)
872
01:00:56,362 --> 01:00:59,198
We mean no harm!
873
01:01:00,074 --> 01:01:04,412
(Monty) Oh, my boys, my boys, forgive me.
874
01:01:04,453 --> 01:01:06,956
(Sobs) Monty. Monty. Monty!
875
01:01:06,998 --> 01:01:08,833
Monty, you terrible cunt!
876
01:01:08,875 --> 01:01:12,086
Forgive me. It was inconsiderate
of me not to have telegrammed.
877
01:01:12,128 --> 01:01:15,256
What are you doing, prowling around
in the middle of the fucking night?
878
01:01:15,298 --> 01:01:19,427
Well, I had a punctured tyre.
I had to wait an aeon for assistance.
879
01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:22,513
I... I'm sorry if I frightened you.
I should have knocked, but...
880
01:01:22,555 --> 01:01:25,308
Oh, I'll... I'll sleep in the other room,
if I may.
881
01:01:25,349 --> 01:01:26,809
Anywhere you like.
882
01:01:26,851 --> 01:01:30,396
Eh, yes, well, erm... Er... good night.
883
01:01:30,438 --> 01:01:32,607
(Door creaks)
884
01:01:34,942 --> 01:01:38,279
- Ah, good morning. Sleep well?
- Hm.
885
01:01:44,243 --> 01:01:49,123
Uh, oh, I... I do apologise for last night.
It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.
886
01:01:49,165 --> 01:01:52,627
It's perfectly all right, Monty.
You've been busy in here.
887
01:01:52,668 --> 01:01:54,587
Yeah, as a bee.
888
01:01:54,629 --> 01:01:56,756
How did you repair the window?
889
01:01:56,797 --> 01:02:00,134
Oh, I didn't break it. Merely forced it a little.
890
01:02:01,010 --> 01:02:03,596
I'm sorry if I frightened you.
891
01:02:03,638 --> 01:02:06,557
There was an empty wine bottle
on the ledge.
892
01:02:06,599 --> 01:02:09,018
Uh, tomatoes. Yes.
893
01:02:15,233 --> 01:02:17,235
Why don't you go and wake him?
894
01:02:17,276 --> 01:02:18,986
Breakfast in 15 minutes.
895
01:02:19,737 --> 01:02:23,241
The old order changeth,
896
01:02:23,282 --> 01:02:26,994
yielding place to new.
897
01:02:27,036 --> 01:02:31,874
And God fulfils himself in many ways.
898
01:02:31,916 --> 01:02:34,961
And soon...
899
01:02:35,002 --> 01:02:37,463
I suppose...
900
01:02:37,505 --> 01:02:42,677
I shall be swept away
by some vulgar little tumour.
901
01:02:44,553 --> 01:02:48,391
Oh, my boys, my boys,
902
01:02:48,432 --> 01:02:50,935
we're at the end of an age.
903
01:02:50,977 --> 01:02:57,108
We live in a land of weather forecasts
and breakfasts that "set in".
904
01:02:57,149 --> 01:03:01,404
Shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour.
905
01:03:01,445 --> 01:03:05,283
And here we are. We three.
906
01:03:05,324 --> 01:03:09,870
Perhaps the last island of beauty
in the world.
907
01:03:12,915 --> 01:03:16,793
Now, which of you
is going to be a splendid fellow
908
01:03:16,794 --> 01:03:19,797
and go down to the Rolls
for the rest of the wine?
909
01:03:19,839 --> 01:03:21,465
- (Both) I will!
- No, I'd better go.
910
01:03:21,507 --> 01:03:23,551
I want to see about
digging the car out, anyway.
911
01:03:23,592 --> 01:03:25,094
But we have my car, dear boy.
912
01:03:25,136 --> 01:03:27,138
Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.
913
01:03:27,179 --> 01:03:28,931
- I mean...
- Stranded!
914
01:03:28,973 --> 01:03:31,142
We'll leave the car till later.
Leave this to me.
915
01:03:31,183 --> 01:03:33,144
Well, I'll come with you, then.
I fancy a walk.
916
01:03:33,185 --> 01:03:35,563
No, no, no. I hear you're
a little wizard in the kitchen.
917
01:03:35,604 --> 01:03:38,983
- I shall need you to work on the joint.
- Yeah, you're the cook.
918
01:03:39,025 --> 01:03:41,652
(Monty) Erm, what on earth are those?
919
01:03:41,694 --> 01:03:44,572
- We forgot to bring our wellingtons.
- Oh, but how dreadful.
920
01:03:44,613 --> 01:03:46,073
Do you mean you've been up here
921
01:03:46,115 --> 01:03:48,534
in all this beastly mud and oomska
without wellingtons?
922
01:03:48,576 --> 01:03:51,037
Well, this afternoon,
I shall take you both into Penrith
923
01:03:51,078 --> 01:03:54,623
and get you fitted
with some good quality rubber boots.
924
01:03:55,791 --> 01:03:57,960
(Sighs)
925
01:03:58,836 --> 01:04:01,547
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
926
01:04:03,007 --> 01:04:06,093
I brought two of these in case either
of you was any good in the kitchen.
927
01:04:06,135 --> 01:04:08,054
- I'm not.
- Oh, of course you are.
928
01:04:08,095 --> 01:04:11,223
- Cooking's one of the natural instincts.
- Listen, Monty.
929
01:04:11,265 --> 01:04:13,559
This is all very kind of you, but really,
930
01:04:13,601 --> 01:04:16,103
I think I ought to be out there getting
some work done on the car.
931
01:04:16,145 --> 01:04:18,855
Nonsense. You haven't time.
We're taking late luncheon at three.
932
01:04:18,856 --> 01:04:21,984
- I'm afraid we have to leave by three, Monty.
- Leave?
933
01:04:22,026 --> 01:04:24,945
Oh, didn't he tell you?
We have to get back to sign on.
934
01:04:24,987 --> 01:04:29,742
Sign on? At a Labour Exchange?
935
01:04:29,784 --> 01:04:32,536
Yeah. It's sort of fashionable, actually.
936
01:04:32,578 --> 01:04:34,997
All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.
937
01:04:36,290 --> 01:04:41,003
But surely you could forego
for just this one occasion?
938
01:04:41,045 --> 01:04:43,506
I've come a very long way to see you both.
939
01:04:43,547 --> 01:04:45,925
Can't actually, I mean, I'd love to stay.
940
01:04:45,966 --> 01:04:48,636
But he's more adamant
to get back than I am.
941
01:04:48,677 --> 01:04:51,514
Then we must choose our moment...
942
01:04:55,226 --> 01:04:57,978
and have a word with him.
943
01:05:00,398 --> 01:05:03,150
I'm sure together we could persuade him.
944
01:05:05,486 --> 01:05:07,530
There, now.
945
01:05:07,571 --> 01:05:11,033
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
946
01:05:12,034 --> 01:05:15,079
I can never touch meat until it's cooked.
947
01:05:15,121 --> 01:05:18,666
As a youth, I used to weep
in butchers' shops.
948
01:05:19,208 --> 01:05:22,211
- I can't find the rosemary.
- Huh?
949
01:05:23,838 --> 01:05:26,549
You can't find the rosemary?
950
01:05:28,050 --> 01:05:30,511
I'm sure we could find it together.
951
01:05:33,180 --> 01:05:37,351
- Perhaps it's in the other bag?
- Perhaps it is. Shall we look?
952
01:05:41,355 --> 01:05:44,108
Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.
953
01:05:50,281 --> 01:05:53,451
What do you mean, sorry?
What's going on? What's he doing?
954
01:05:53,492 --> 01:05:55,744
Listen, we can't stay.
He won't leave me alone.
955
01:05:55,786 --> 01:05:59,957
(Withnail) All right. We'll get
the lunch done and then we'll leave.
956
01:05:59,999 --> 01:06:03,627
I'm afraid we must drink from these.
957
01:06:08,549 --> 01:06:11,760
I trust their shapes
will not offend your palates.
958
01:06:11,802 --> 01:06:16,474
- Chin-chin.
- To a delightful weekend in the country.
959
01:06:40,581 --> 01:06:43,125
(Monty) I do think you could have shaved.
960
01:06:43,167 --> 01:06:46,378
What on earth will people think
of me turning up with you two?
961
01:06:46,420 --> 01:06:49,381
You look like a pair of farm-hands.
962
01:06:56,847 --> 01:06:59,058
This is most embarrassing.
963
01:07:01,101 --> 01:07:03,354
Get away from the car.
964
01:07:03,395 --> 01:07:06,440
Buy the wellingtons.
965
01:07:06,482 --> 01:07:10,027
I'm going to go and buy
some razors and shaving soap.
966
01:07:10,069 --> 01:07:13,113
I'll see you over there in half an hour.
967
01:07:13,155 --> 01:07:16,116
- Pair of blues.
- One each.
968
01:07:17,368 --> 01:07:19,954
- I think a drink, don't you?
- What about the wellingtons?
969
01:07:20,037 --> 01:07:21,956
Oh, bollocks to the wellingtons.
970
01:07:22,039 --> 01:07:25,543
We'll tell him they had a farmer's conference
and had a run on them.
971
01:07:34,385 --> 01:07:37,680
OK. Yeah. Promise. Bye.
972
01:07:43,227 --> 01:07:47,898
Huh. Hasn't heard a thing.
Apparently, they're still seeing people.
973
01:07:47,940 --> 01:07:50,066
You don't want to go to Manchester, anyway.
974
01:07:50,067 --> 01:07:53,279
- Play a bloody soldier?
- Don't I? I damn well do.
975
01:07:53,320 --> 01:07:55,197
It's a bloody good little theatre.
976
01:07:55,239 --> 01:07:58,576
- That's not much of a part, though, is it?
- Well, it's better than nothing.
977
01:07:58,617 --> 01:08:01,704
- They'd make you out your hair off.
- So what? You'd lose a leg.
978
01:08:01,745 --> 01:08:03,205
Time, gents, please.
979
01:08:03,247 --> 01:08:05,374
All right. We're going
to have to work quickly.
980
01:08:05,416 --> 01:08:09,086
A pair of quadruple whiskys
and another pair of pints, please.
981
01:08:13,090 --> 01:08:15,342
Where is he? I'm utterly arseholed.
982
01:08:16,927 --> 01:08:18,971
We're early.
983
01:08:20,806 --> 01:08:23,309
We wanna get in there, don't we?
984
01:08:23,350 --> 01:08:26,979
Eat some cake, soak up the booze.
985
01:08:30,024 --> 01:08:32,109
(Bell tinkles)
986
01:08:36,030 --> 01:08:37,615
Ahh.
987
01:08:37,656 --> 01:08:40,034
- All right here?
- What do you want?
988
01:08:40,117 --> 01:08:42,369
Cake. All right here?
989
01:08:42,411 --> 01:08:44,330
No, we're closing in a minute.
990
01:08:44,371 --> 01:08:46,540
We're leaving in a minute.
991
01:08:52,212 --> 01:08:54,965
We want cake and tea.
992
01:08:55,007 --> 01:08:57,760
(Man) Didn't you hear?
She said she'd closed.
993
01:08:57,801 --> 01:09:00,262
What do you want in here?
994
01:09:00,304 --> 01:09:03,098
Cake. What's it got to do with you?
995
01:09:03,140 --> 01:09:07,978
I happen to be the proprietor.
Now, would you leave?
996
01:09:08,020 --> 01:09:11,482
Ah, I'm glad you're the proprietor.
997
01:09:11,523 --> 01:09:14,777
I was going to have to have a word
with you anyway.
998
01:09:14,818 --> 01:09:17,237
We're working on a film up here.
999
01:09:17,279 --> 01:09:19,823
Locations, see.
1000
01:09:19,865 --> 01:09:22,660
We might want to do a film in here.
1001
01:09:22,701 --> 01:09:25,371
- You're drunk.
- Just bring out the cakes.
1002
01:09:25,412 --> 01:09:27,498
Cake and fine wine.
1003
01:09:27,539 --> 01:09:29,291
If you don't leave, we'll call the police.
1004
01:09:29,333 --> 01:09:33,712
Balls! We want the finest wines
available to humanity.
1005
01:09:33,754 --> 01:09:36,173
We want them here, and we want them now!
1006
01:09:36,215 --> 01:09:38,634
(Proprietor) Miss Blenehassitt,
telephone the police.
1007
01:09:38,676 --> 01:09:42,304
(Mouth full)
Yes, all right, Miss Blenehassitt.
1008
01:09:42,346 --> 01:09:46,266
I'm warning you. If you do, you're fired.
1009
01:09:47,434 --> 01:09:49,853
We're multimillionaires.
1010
01:09:49,895 --> 01:09:52,106
We shall buy this place
and fire you immediately.
1011
01:09:52,189 --> 01:09:54,066
Yes, we'll buy this place.
1012
01:09:54,108 --> 01:09:57,319
And we'll install a fucking jukebox in here...
1013
01:09:57,361 --> 01:10:00,906
(Laughing) ..to liven all you stiffs up a bit.
1014
01:10:00,948 --> 01:10:03,075
The police, Miss Blenehassitt.
1015
01:10:03,117 --> 01:10:06,578
Just say there are a couple of drunks
in the Penrith Tea Rooms
1016
01:10:06,620 --> 01:10:09,289
- and we want them removed.
- We are not drunks.
1017
01:10:09,331 --> 01:10:11,834
We are multimillionaires.
1018
01:10:11,875 --> 01:10:14,586
Hurry up, Mabs.
We'll keep them here till they arrive.
1019
01:10:14,628 --> 01:10:16,755
- You won't keep us anywhere.
- (Car horn beeps)
1020
01:10:16,797 --> 01:10:18,841
We'll buy this place
and have it knocked down.
1021
01:10:18,882 --> 01:10:21,760
- All right. It's all right.
- (Miss Blenehassitt) Police, please.
1022
01:10:21,802 --> 01:10:23,721
It's all right. We're going.
1023
01:10:23,762 --> 01:10:25,723
Our car's arrived.
1024
01:10:27,307 --> 01:10:29,435
- We'll be back. (Bell jangling)
1025
01:10:29,476 --> 01:10:32,396
We're coming back in here.
1026
01:10:32,438 --> 01:10:34,523
(Chuckling)
1027
01:10:38,736 --> 01:10:41,697
- Where is he?
- He's sulking up the hill.
1028
01:10:41,739 --> 01:10:43,991
He says he won't come in for lunch
without an apology.
1029
01:10:44,032 --> 01:10:46,368
Suits me. He can eat his fucking radish.
1030
01:10:48,495 --> 01:10:50,372
It's all your fault.
1031
01:10:50,414 --> 01:10:52,958
You lead him astray.
1032
01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:56,170
- I beg your pardon, Monty?
- Oh, don't tell me you're not aware of it.
1033
01:10:56,211 --> 01:10:58,797
I know what you're up to and so do you.
1034
01:10:58,839 --> 01:11:02,134
- Sherry?
- Sherry? Oh, dear, no. No, no.
1035
01:11:02,176 --> 01:11:04,303
I'd be sucked into his trap.
1036
01:11:04,344 --> 01:11:06,972
One of us has got to stay on guard.
1037
01:11:07,014 --> 01:11:10,267
He's so mauve.
We don't know what he's planning.
1038
01:11:20,819 --> 01:11:23,489
I'm preparing myself to forgive you.
1039
01:11:25,741 --> 01:11:28,368
I think you've been punished enough.
1040
01:11:30,454 --> 01:11:33,665
I think we'd better release you
from the legumes
1041
01:11:33,707 --> 01:11:36,543
and transfer your talents to the meat.
1042
01:11:43,884 --> 01:11:46,762
You shouldn't treat each other so badly.
1043
01:11:46,804 --> 01:11:49,598
This boy's been out there,
frozen to the marrow,
1044
01:11:49,640 --> 01:11:51,892
and you just sit in here, drinking.
1045
01:11:51,934 --> 01:11:54,436
Now come along,
he's going to revitalise himself
1046
01:11:54,478 --> 01:11:56,730
and you're going to finish the vegetables.
1047
01:11:56,772 --> 01:11:59,191
- I don't know how to do them.
- Well, of course you don't.
1048
01:11:59,233 --> 01:12:03,153
You are incapable of indulging in anything
but pleasure, am I not right?
1049
01:12:03,195 --> 01:12:05,239
You don't deserve such loyalty.
1050
01:12:05,322 --> 01:12:10,077
Now come along. I'm going
to teach you how to peel a potato.
1051
01:12:14,915 --> 01:12:18,085
Isn't it stimulating, getting back
to a basic sort of life for a while?
1052
01:12:18,126 --> 01:12:20,963
- Yes.
- Surrounded by trees and nature,
1053
01:12:21,004 --> 01:12:23,757
one feels a glorious stirring of the senses.
1054
01:12:23,799 --> 01:12:28,720
A rejection of poisonous inhibition
and a fecund motion of the soul.
1055
01:12:28,762 --> 01:12:32,766
Except, of course, the problems tend
to take the edge off the pleasure.
1056
01:12:34,393 --> 01:12:37,479
I mean, with no proper facilities.
1057
01:12:39,064 --> 01:12:42,693
All the glorious trials of youth, dear boy.
1058
01:12:42,734 --> 01:12:46,280
When I was a lad, I'd rocket off
on my tandem with Wrigglesworth,
1059
01:12:46,321 --> 01:12:48,490
and we'd just ride and ride.
1060
01:12:48,532 --> 01:12:52,995
And at night, we'd find some barn
and fall asleep
1061
01:12:53,036 --> 01:12:56,874
with the perfumes of nature
sighing on our skin.
1062
01:12:56,915 --> 01:13:00,627
Would it be in bad form
to plagiarise a toast?
1063
01:13:00,669 --> 01:13:03,755
It depends entirely
on the quality of the wine.
1064
01:13:03,797 --> 01:13:07,092
In this instance,
it most certainly would not.
1065
01:13:07,134 --> 01:13:11,388
In that case,
to a delightful weekend in the country.
1066
01:13:11,430 --> 01:13:13,765
(Monty) Oh, splendid.
1067
01:13:17,394 --> 01:13:20,439
We expected a volley of argument
concerning Mr Redgrave.
1068
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:24,109
- You're forgetting about Jake.
- Not another word.
1069
01:13:24,151 --> 01:13:27,821
- Not another word. Jake can wait too.
- Jake isn't a friend, Monty.
1070
01:13:27,863 --> 01:13:29,948
I'd hoped to avoid telling you this,
1071
01:13:29,990 --> 01:13:32,868
but there's a psychotic on the prowl
outside this house.
1072
01:13:32,910 --> 01:13:36,747
Ask him if I exaggerate.
He's threatened us and he's dangerous.
1073
01:13:36,788 --> 01:13:38,457
Is this true?
1074
01:13:38,498 --> 01:13:42,127
Well, there's this local type hanging about.
1075
01:13:42,169 --> 01:13:46,298
A poacher. Got into a tiff
and he threatened me with a dead fish.
1076
01:13:46,340 --> 01:13:47,716
(Sniggers)
1077
01:13:47,758 --> 01:13:49,968
Yes, it was rather amusing, actually.
1078
01:13:50,010 --> 01:13:52,930
When you came in, we thought it was him.
1079
01:13:52,971 --> 01:13:56,767
And we thought that you,
cleaning your boots,
1080
01:13:56,808 --> 01:13:58,810
was him, sharpening his knife.
1081
01:13:58,852 --> 01:14:01,605
- Oh!
- (Laughs)
1082
01:14:01,647 --> 01:14:04,191
- Oh, how delicious. (Both chuckling)
1083
01:14:07,027 --> 01:14:08,528
More meat?
1084
01:14:08,570 --> 01:14:11,239
No, thank you. I'm going for a walk.
1085
01:14:11,281 --> 01:14:14,451
Oh, wait for us to finish, dear boy,
and we'll all go.
1086
01:14:17,996 --> 01:14:21,833
Listen, I know what you're thinking,
but I had no alternative.
1087
01:14:21,875 --> 01:14:24,920
The old bugger's come a long way,
and I didn't want to put the wind up him.
1088
01:14:24,962 --> 01:14:26,755
Your sensitivity overwhelms me.
1089
01:14:26,797 --> 01:14:30,092
If you think you're gonna have a weekend's
indulgence up here at his expense,
1090
01:14:30,133 --> 01:14:33,053
which means him having a weekend's
indulgence up here at my expense,
1091
01:14:33,095 --> 01:14:35,471
- you've got another think coming.
- I give you my word.
1092
01:14:35,472 --> 01:14:38,767
- We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What about tonight?
1093
01:14:38,809 --> 01:14:40,936
- He's not going to try anything.
- Of course he is!
1094
01:14:40,978 --> 01:14:42,980
Why do you think he's here?
He means business.
1095
01:14:43,021 --> 01:14:45,482
Anyway, he sent me out
to tell you that the coffee's ready.
1096
01:14:45,524 --> 01:14:48,318
I couldn't drink it. I've got a cramp
in the mouth from grinning.
1097
01:14:48,360 --> 01:14:51,154
- Well, stop smiling at him.
- I can't help it.
1098
01:14:51,196 --> 01:14:54,116
I'm so uptight with him, I can't stop myself.
1099
01:14:56,451 --> 01:15:00,080
(Monty) Laissez-moi respirer
1100
01:15:00,122 --> 01:15:05,877
Longtemps, longtemps
I'odeur de tes cheveux
1101
01:15:05,919 --> 01:15:08,755
Ah, Baudelaire.
1102
01:15:08,797 --> 01:15:12,634
Brings back such memories of Oxford.
1103
01:15:12,676 --> 01:15:14,594
Oh, Oxford.
1104
01:15:14,636 --> 01:15:17,973
Followed by yet another anecdote
about his sensitive crimes
1105
01:15:18,015 --> 01:15:20,308
in a punt with a chap called Norman,
1106
01:15:20,350 --> 01:15:24,646
who had red hair and a book of poetry
stained with the butter drips from crumpets.
1107
01:15:24,688 --> 01:15:27,566
(Monty) I often wonder
where Norman is now.
1108
01:15:27,607 --> 01:15:30,360
Probably wintering
with his mother in Guildford.
1109
01:15:30,402 --> 01:15:32,529
A cat and the rain.
1110
01:15:32,571 --> 01:15:36,408
Vim under the sink and both bars on.
1111
01:15:37,451 --> 01:15:40,370
But old, now. Old.
1112
01:15:40,412 --> 01:15:43,540
There can be no true beauty without decay.
1113
01:15:43,582 --> 01:15:45,667
(Withnail) Elegium pro Britannia.
1114
01:15:45,709 --> 01:15:48,503
How right you are. How right you are.
1115
01:15:48,545 --> 01:15:52,382
We live in a kingdom of rains,
1116
01:15:52,424 --> 01:15:56,094
where royalty comes in gangs.
1117
01:15:56,136 --> 01:15:59,681
Come on, lads, let's get home.
The sky's beginning to bruise.
1118
01:15:59,723 --> 01:16:02,726
Night must fall,
and we shall be forced to camp.
1119
01:16:04,227 --> 01:16:07,064
He's having my room, all right?
That's the condition, all right?
1120
01:16:07,105 --> 01:16:08,982
- All right.
- I want the room with the lock.
1121
01:16:09,024 --> 01:16:11,109
- Agree to that or I'm off.
- All right. All right.
1122
01:16:19,326 --> 01:16:21,411
(Marwood) Oh, good ol' Jake, eh?
I told you.
1123
01:16:21,453 --> 01:16:26,416
He's back, and that is precisely
the reason I'm off to London.
1124
01:16:26,458 --> 01:16:29,294
Let's all have a good laugh, eh, Withnail?
1125
01:16:29,336 --> 01:16:31,546
Good old Jake, eh? He's back!
1126
01:16:32,589 --> 01:16:36,051
- He's going away. He's leaving.
- Come on, let's pack up.
1127
01:16:36,093 --> 01:16:38,678
We'll get out of here before it gets dark.
1128
01:16:55,779 --> 01:16:59,241
"Here hare here."
1129
01:17:00,617 --> 01:17:02,702
Here hare here.
1130
01:17:02,744 --> 01:17:05,122
Good old Jake.
1131
01:17:14,214 --> 01:17:19,219
(Monty) Ace bets. Ace bets two.
And it's over to you.
1132
01:17:19,261 --> 01:17:23,265
- Your two and up two.
- Mm.
1133
01:17:23,306 --> 01:17:26,309
- (Marwood) So that's four.
- That's four.
1134
01:17:28,937 --> 01:17:30,897
Four.
1135
01:17:30,939 --> 01:17:34,818
(Monty) Aces will pay for the raise
and see the two.
1136
01:17:34,860 --> 01:17:37,653
Now, last card.
1137
01:17:37,654 --> 01:17:40,323
Nonne solus videtur.
1138
01:17:40,365 --> 01:17:42,868
Reginae suendae defit.
1139
01:17:42,909 --> 01:17:45,495
(Monty chuckles)
1140
01:17:45,537 --> 01:17:47,414
And, oh!
1141
01:17:48,373 --> 01:17:50,750
(Both chuckle)
1142
01:17:50,792 --> 01:17:52,794
And there she is!
1143
01:17:53,795 --> 01:17:56,464
Oh! A possible flush.
1144
01:17:57,674 --> 01:17:59,718
Oh, Well...
1145
01:18:01,344 --> 01:18:04,389
Well, it's the two queens to bet.
1146
01:18:14,524 --> 01:18:17,736
(♪ Piano music)
1147
01:18:18,403 --> 01:18:20,030
Another hand?
1148
01:18:24,951 --> 01:18:27,829
I think we'd better get him to bed.
1149
01:18:27,871 --> 01:18:30,415
No, no. He's down here.
1150
01:18:32,584 --> 01:18:34,961
You're in my room, I'm in his room
and he's down here.
1151
01:18:35,003 --> 01:18:38,006
No, no, I wouldn't dream of depriving
the dear fellow of his bed,
1152
01:18:38,048 --> 01:18:41,009
- especially in that condition.
- But it's agreed. It's what he wants.
1153
01:18:41,051 --> 01:18:43,803
No, I don't. I want to get to bed.
1154
01:18:45,430 --> 01:18:48,475
All right, then, lovey. Let's get you to bed.
1155
01:18:48,516 --> 01:18:50,936
In bed by midnight, it'll do us both good.
1156
01:18:52,979 --> 01:18:55,023
Night, night, then, Monty.
1157
01:18:55,065 --> 01:18:58,318
(Withnail) I want to be alone.
I want to be alone.
1158
01:19:00,320 --> 01:19:02,072
I want to be alone.
1159
01:19:22,008 --> 01:19:24,261
(Locking)
1160
01:19:24,302 --> 01:19:26,972
I think he'd better sleep alone tonight.
1161
01:19:29,057 --> 01:19:31,101
He doesn't want to sleep with you.
1162
01:19:31,142 --> 01:19:33,186
Right.
1163
01:19:33,228 --> 01:19:37,148
Well, you're in there.
1164
01:19:37,190 --> 01:19:41,027
And I'll take these
and I'll... I'll have the couch.
1165
01:19:41,069 --> 01:19:43,446
I'll say goodnight, then, Monty.
1166
01:19:43,488 --> 01:19:45,699
You already have.
1167
01:19:46,616 --> 01:19:47,993
Twice.
1168
01:20:16,563 --> 01:20:20,317
What is it, Monty? I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to sleep.
1169
01:20:20,358 --> 01:20:23,528
But not that tired, eh?
1170
01:20:28,867 --> 01:20:32,495
Are you a sponge or a stone?
1171
01:20:32,537 --> 01:20:34,122
What do you mean?
1172
01:20:34,164 --> 01:20:37,417
Do you like to experience all facets of life,
1173
01:20:37,459 --> 01:20:41,004
or do you shut yourself off
from new experience?
1174
01:20:41,046 --> 01:20:43,340
- I voted Conservative.
- Are you faithful?
1175
01:20:43,381 --> 01:20:46,801
- To whom?
- Faithfulness isn't selective.
1176
01:20:46,843 --> 01:20:50,930
No, I quite agree. It's more a question
of selecting to whom one will be faithful.
1177
01:20:50,972 --> 01:20:52,974
Have you selected?
1178
01:20:53,016 --> 01:20:55,226
I'm terribly tired.
1179
01:20:55,268 --> 01:20:59,189
I've been watching you all evening.
1180
01:20:59,230 --> 01:21:02,484
You've been avoiding my eyes, haven't you?
1181
01:21:02,525 --> 01:21:05,028
- Your eyes?
- Mm.
1182
01:21:05,070 --> 01:21:08,531
At luncheon, you couldn't
tear your gaze from mine.
1183
01:21:08,573 --> 01:21:11,242
This evening, you barely looked at me.
1184
01:21:11,284 --> 01:21:13,536
What did he say to you?
1185
01:21:13,578 --> 01:21:16,539
- Nothing.
- You can tell me.
1186
01:21:16,581 --> 01:21:19,376
I assure you, nothing, Monty.
1187
01:21:19,417 --> 01:21:23,129
I'm terribly tired. I need to go to bed.
1188
01:21:23,171 --> 01:21:26,216
Yes. You must, mustn't you?
1189
01:21:26,257 --> 01:21:30,804
Off you go then. I'll sleep here.
1190
01:21:30,887 --> 01:21:35,308
It won't be the first time
I've been left with the couch.
1191
01:21:42,649 --> 01:21:44,734
(Owl hoots)
1192
01:21:44,776 --> 01:21:46,820
(Creaking)
1193
01:21:51,825 --> 01:21:53,910
Boy.
1194
01:21:56,204 --> 01:21:58,373
Boy.
1195
01:21:59,374 --> 01:22:02,043
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1196
01:22:03,670 --> 01:22:06,756
- But he is. (Rattling)
1197
01:22:07,757 --> 01:22:10,009
I've been into his room.
1198
01:22:10,051 --> 01:22:13,888
(Panting) He won't hear a thing.
1199
01:22:17,016 --> 01:22:18,893
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1200
01:22:18,935 --> 01:22:21,062
No, I'm not.
1201
01:22:21,104 --> 01:22:23,189
What is it, Monty? What do you want?
1202
01:22:26,276 --> 01:22:30,071
I had to come. I tried not to.
1203
01:22:30,113 --> 01:22:32,532
Oh, how I tried not to.
1204
01:22:32,574 --> 01:22:35,285
Listen, Monty, there's something
I have to explain to you.
1205
01:22:35,326 --> 01:22:37,537
You needn't explain.
He's told me everything.
1206
01:22:37,579 --> 01:22:39,789
He told me that first day
you came to Chelsea.
1207
01:22:39,831 --> 01:22:41,332
What... what's he told you?
1208
01:22:41,374 --> 01:22:44,794
He told me about your arrest
in the Tottenham Court Road.
1209
01:22:44,836 --> 01:22:46,921
He told me about your problems.
1210
01:22:46,963 --> 01:22:49,799
How you feel. Your desires.
1211
01:22:49,841 --> 01:22:51,342
Problems? What problems?
1212
01:22:51,384 --> 01:22:54,846
- You are a toilet trader.
- He told you that?
1213
01:22:54,888 --> 01:22:58,183
You mustn't blame him.
You mustn't blame yourself.
1214
01:22:58,224 --> 01:23:00,852
I know how you feel and how difficult it is.
1215
01:23:00,894 --> 01:23:03,688
And that's why you mustn't hold back
and let it ruin your youth
1216
01:23:03,730 --> 01:23:06,191
as I nearly did over Eric.
1217
01:23:06,232 --> 01:23:09,277
It's like a tide. Give in to it, boy.
1218
01:23:09,319 --> 01:23:13,740
Go with it. It's society's crime, not ours.
1219
01:23:13,781 --> 01:23:18,661
- I'm not homosexual, Monty.
- Yes, you are. Of course you are.
1220
01:23:18,703 --> 01:23:21,039
You're simply blackmailing your emotions
1221
01:23:21,080 --> 01:23:23,583
to avoid the realities
of your relationship with him.
1222
01:23:23,625 --> 01:23:26,794
- What are you talking about?
- You love him.
1223
01:23:26,836 --> 01:23:28,922
And it isn't his fault he cannot love you
1224
01:23:28,963 --> 01:23:32,509
any more than it's mine that I adore you.
1225
01:23:36,054 --> 01:23:39,265
Couldn't we allow ourselves just
this one moment of indiscretion?
1226
01:23:39,307 --> 01:23:41,351
- No!
- He need never know.
1227
01:23:41,392 --> 01:23:44,687
I don't care what he knows.
Monty, you've got to go. You've got to leave.
1228
01:23:44,729 --> 01:23:48,900
If you want to humiliate me,
humiliate me. I adore you.
1229
01:23:48,942 --> 01:23:52,028
Tell him if you must. I no longer care.
1230
01:23:52,070 --> 01:23:55,865
I mean to have you,
even if it must be burglary.
1231
01:23:58,076 --> 01:23:59,953
It's not me, it's him.
1232
01:24:05,959 --> 01:24:10,171
He lied to you. We're an affair.
We have been for years.
1233
01:24:10,213 --> 01:24:12,924
But he doesn't want you to know,
he doesn't want anybody to know.
1234
01:24:12,966 --> 01:24:15,552
We're both in it. We're...
We're obsessed with each other.
1235
01:24:15,593 --> 01:24:19,305
But he's ashamed, he refuses
to come out and accept what he is.
1236
01:24:19,347 --> 01:24:21,808
That's why he's rejecting me
while you're here.
1237
01:24:21,849 --> 01:24:24,477
On my life, Monty, this is the first night
1238
01:24:24,519 --> 01:24:26,729
we haven't slept together for six years.
1239
01:24:26,771 --> 01:24:28,982
I can't cheat on him. It would kill him.
1240
01:24:29,023 --> 01:24:32,485
But he told me you were in purgatory
because he couldn't love you.
1241
01:24:32,527 --> 01:24:34,946
He's lying, lying!
1242
01:24:34,988 --> 01:24:38,866
Oh, my dear boy. (Sniffs)
1243
01:24:40,076 --> 01:24:43,204
If I had known that, I would never have
attempted to come between you.
1244
01:24:43,246 --> 01:24:48,084
I know that, Monty.
I respect you for your sensitivity.
1245
01:24:48,126 --> 01:24:52,171
I thank you for it. But you must leave.
1246
01:24:54,966 --> 01:24:57,051
Yes.
1247
01:24:58,303 --> 01:25:01,973
Yes. You'd better go to him.
1248
01:25:02,015 --> 01:25:05,351
Oh, I intend to. This instant.
1249
01:25:06,853 --> 01:25:10,273
- (Snoring)
- Withnail, you bastard, wake up.
1250
01:25:10,315 --> 01:25:15,110
Wake up, you bastard.
Or I'll burn this bastard bed down.
1251
01:25:15,111 --> 01:25:17,322
(Owl hooting)
- I deny all accusations.
1252
01:25:18,948 --> 01:25:20,158
What do you want?
1253
01:25:20,199 --> 01:25:22,368
I've just narrowly avoided
having a buggering,
1254
01:25:22,410 --> 01:25:25,371
and I've come in here with
the express intention of wishing one on you.
1255
01:25:25,413 --> 01:25:27,749
Having said that,
I now intend to leave for London.
1256
01:25:27,790 --> 01:25:30,585
Hold on. Don't let your imagination
run away with you.
1257
01:25:30,627 --> 01:25:33,004
Imagination!
I just finished fighting a naked man.
1258
01:25:33,046 --> 01:25:35,590
How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader?
1259
01:25:35,632 --> 01:25:39,385
It was a tactical necessity.
If I hadn't told him you were active,
1260
01:25:39,427 --> 01:25:41,137
we'd never have got the cottage.
1261
01:25:41,179 --> 01:25:43,139
I'd never have wanted it. Not with him in it.
1262
01:25:43,181 --> 01:25:45,266
(coughs)
1263
01:25:45,308 --> 01:25:46,934
I never thought he'd come all this way.
1264
01:25:46,976 --> 01:25:50,730
- Monty? He'd go to New York.
- It was a calculated risk.
1265
01:25:50,772 --> 01:25:53,608
What is all this "tactical necessity"
and "calculated risk"?
1266
01:25:53,650 --> 01:25:56,778
This is me, naked, in a corner.
1267
01:25:56,819 --> 01:25:59,447
And how dare you tell him I love you?
1268
01:25:59,489 --> 01:26:02,659
And how dare you tell him you rejected me?
1269
01:26:02,700 --> 01:26:05,370
- How dare you tell him that?
- Sorry about that.
1270
01:26:05,411 --> 01:26:09,123
I got a bit carried away.
I sort of said it without thinking.
1271
01:26:09,165 --> 01:26:13,002
Well, let me tell you something, Withnail.
If he comes into my room again, it's murder.
1272
01:26:13,044 --> 01:26:15,713
And you will be held responsible in law.
1273
01:26:21,594 --> 01:26:25,014
"Perhaps it is appropriate justice
for the eavesdropper
1274
01:26:25,056 --> 01:26:28,351
"that he should leave as his
trade determines,
1275
01:26:28,393 --> 01:26:30,311
"in secrecy,
1276
01:26:30,353 --> 01:26:32,689
"and in the dead of night.
1277
01:26:32,730 --> 01:26:36,192
"I do sincerely hope
that you will find the happiness
1278
01:26:36,234 --> 01:26:39,362
"which, alas,
has always been denied to me.
1279
01:26:42,198 --> 01:26:44,283
"I am yours ever faithfully,
1280
01:26:45,368 --> 01:26:47,120
"Montague H Withnail."
1281
01:26:48,663 --> 01:26:50,873
Poor old bastard.
1282
01:26:50,915 --> 01:26:53,000
I would say...
1283
01:26:54,585 --> 01:27:00,883
that that represents a degree of hypocrisy
I have hitherto suspected in you,
1284
01:27:00,925 --> 01:27:03,469
but not noticed,
due to your highly evasive skills.
1285
01:27:03,511 --> 01:27:05,680
Christ, Withnail.
1286
01:27:05,722 --> 01:27:10,017
You'll suffer for this.
What you have done will have to be paid for.
1287
01:27:10,059 --> 01:27:12,311
I'll say one thing for Monty,
1288
01:27:12,353 --> 01:27:14,522
he keeps a sensational cellar.
1289
01:27:15,398 --> 01:27:16,899
(Knocking at door)
1290
01:27:16,941 --> 01:27:19,026
(Thunder rumbling)
1291
01:27:24,991 --> 01:27:27,660
- Who's there?
- (Man) Telegram.
1292
01:27:50,892 --> 01:27:53,478
Well done.
1293
01:27:53,519 --> 01:27:55,605
Well, it doesn't mean to say I've got it.
1294
01:27:55,646 --> 01:27:58,399
They... they probably
just want to see me again.
1295
01:28:00,401 --> 01:28:03,571
Well, that settles it then.
We leave immediately.
1296
01:28:03,613 --> 01:28:05,990
What?
1297
01:28:06,032 --> 01:28:08,451
Get your kit together.
We're leaving in half an hour.
1298
01:28:08,493 --> 01:28:12,705
Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous.
I need at least an hour for lunch.
1299
01:28:21,422 --> 01:28:25,468
You've got a truck coming up.
About 200 yards.
1300
01:28:25,510 --> 01:28:29,138
Followed by a left slow-hander.
1301
01:28:29,180 --> 01:28:31,891
Oh, this is insanity, I can't keep this up.
1302
01:28:31,933 --> 01:28:35,603
Stay in this lane. Bear right. Bear right.
1303
01:28:35,645 --> 01:28:37,688
Lane? What lane?
I've not seen a fucking lane.
1304
01:28:37,730 --> 01:28:40,525
Bear right! Bear right! Bear right!
1305
01:28:40,983 --> 01:28:43,069
(Horn blares)
1306
01:28:43,861 --> 01:28:45,488
Right, that's it.
1307
01:28:45,530 --> 01:28:48,323
Next garage, I've got to do
something about that wiper.
1308
01:28:48,324 --> 01:28:52,161
- And I've got to get some sleep.
- (Chuckles)
1309
01:28:52,203 --> 01:28:54,956
(♪ Jimi Hendrix:Voodoo Child (Slight Return))
1310
01:29:19,647 --> 01:29:22,358
- What's going on?
- I'm making time.
1311
01:29:22,400 --> 01:29:24,485
(Tyres screeching)
1312
01:29:36,289 --> 01:29:37,915
(Marwood) Are you out of your mind?
1313
01:29:37,957 --> 01:29:39,792
Pull over. You haven't got a license.
1314
01:29:39,834 --> 01:29:41,878
No. I'm making time.
1315
01:29:44,463 --> 01:29:46,549
(Tyres screeching)
1316
01:29:48,968 --> 01:29:50,511
♪ Huh! ♪
1317
01:29:52,179 --> 01:29:54,765
- Where are we?
- We're approaching London.
1318
01:29:54,807 --> 01:29:57,810
♪ Well, I stand up next to a mountain
1319
01:29:57,852 --> 01:30:00,229
- Here comes another fucker.
- ♪ And I chop it down
1320
01:30:00,271 --> 01:30:02,189
♪ With the edge of my hand a'
1321
01:30:02,231 --> 01:30:04,108
(Tyres screeching)
1322
01:30:10,239 --> 01:30:12,909
- Oh, no.
- ♪ Well, I stand up next to a mountain ♪
1323
01:30:12,950 --> 01:30:15,786
It's perfectly all right. Leave them to me.
1324
01:30:15,828 --> 01:30:18,789
You're full of scotch, you silly tool.
1325
01:30:22,043 --> 01:30:25,087
♪ Well, I pick up all the pieces
and make an island
1326
01:30:26,088 --> 01:30:28,966
♪ Might even raise just a little sand
1327
01:30:30,968 --> 01:30:33,262
♪ Yeah!
1328
01:30:33,304 --> 01:30:35,640
♪ Cos I'm a voodoo child
1329
01:30:37,850 --> 01:30:41,354
♪ Lord knows I'm a voodoo child a'
1330
01:31:29,360 --> 01:31:32,697
A bit early in the morning
for festivities, isn't it?
1331
01:31:32,738 --> 01:31:35,282
These aren't mine. They belong to him.
1332
01:31:35,324 --> 01:31:39,286
- You're drunk.
- I assure you I'm not, officer.
1333
01:31:39,328 --> 01:31:42,540
Honestly. I've only had a few ales.
1334
01:31:42,581 --> 01:31:44,583
Out of the car.
1335
01:31:44,625 --> 01:31:46,585
Please?
1336
01:31:46,627 --> 01:31:48,587
Sir?
1337
01:31:55,511 --> 01:31:58,639
I want you to take one deep breath
and fill this bag.
1338
01:32:00,057 --> 01:32:03,769
- Are you refusing to fill this bag?
- I most certainly am.
1339
01:32:03,811 --> 01:32:06,188
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Don't be ridiculous.
1340
01:32:06,230 --> 01:32:07,815
- I haven't done anything.
- Come on.
1341
01:32:07,857 --> 01:32:09,567
Look here, my cousin's a QC.
1342
01:32:09,608 --> 01:32:11,652
(Yells) GET-IN-THE-BACK-OF-THE-VAN!
1343
01:32:18,242 --> 01:32:20,286
(Telephone ringing)
1344
01:32:24,540 --> 01:32:27,752
Look, sarge. What's that clown doing?
1345
01:33:03,079 --> 01:33:06,332
- Where's our cheques?
- We didn't sign on.
1346
01:33:06,373 --> 01:33:09,835
That wouldn't make any difference
to last week's payment.
1347
01:33:09,877 --> 01:33:12,463
(♪ The Beatles: While My Guitar Gently Weeps)
1348
01:33:12,505 --> 01:33:17,051
♪ No one alerted you
1349
01:33:19,929 --> 01:33:22,932
♪ I look at you all
1350
01:33:22,973 --> 01:33:27,144
♪ See the love there that's sleeping
1351
01:33:28,813 --> 01:33:33,192
♪ While my guitar gently weeps ♪
1352
01:33:37,947 --> 01:33:40,699
What are you doing in my bed?
1353
01:33:40,741 --> 01:33:45,246
- I've been asleep.
- Who is the huge spade in the bath?
1354
01:33:45,287 --> 01:33:47,373
Presuming Ed.
1355
01:33:47,414 --> 01:33:50,835
Now you've got ten minutes, right?
I want you out, cos I wanna get in.
1356
01:33:50,876 --> 01:33:53,879
Ten minutes, right,
you'd better be on your feet.
1357
01:33:57,133 --> 01:33:58,759
How did you get in?
1358
01:33:58,801 --> 01:34:02,304
Ingenuity, man. Come up the drainpipe.
1359
01:34:02,346 --> 01:34:05,640
- Would you like a smoke?
- Yes.
1360
01:34:05,641 --> 01:34:08,018
No, thanks, I've got a call to make.
1361
01:34:13,149 --> 01:34:14,733
What are you going to do with those?
1362
01:34:14,775 --> 01:34:18,737
The joint I'm about to roll
requires a craftsman.
1363
01:34:18,779 --> 01:34:21,574
It can utilise up to 12 skins.
1364
01:34:21,657 --> 01:34:24,451
It is called the Camberwell Carrot.
1365
01:34:24,493 --> 01:34:27,037
It's impossible
to use 12 papers on one joint.
1366
01:34:27,079 --> 01:34:31,083
It's impossible to make
a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
1367
01:34:31,125 --> 01:34:33,043
Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
1368
01:34:33,085 --> 01:34:37,882
I do. I invented it in Camberwell
and it looks like a carrot.
1369
01:34:37,923 --> 01:34:40,675
Do you realise this gaff's
overrun with rodents?
1370
01:34:40,676 --> 01:34:43,511
When I come in, I seen one
the size of a fucking dog.
1371
01:34:43,512 --> 01:34:46,849
No, that is a dog,
belongs to the fellow downstairs.
1372
01:34:46,891 --> 01:34:48,934
Does his dog get in the oven?
1373
01:34:48,976 --> 01:34:52,354
- No, his dog doesn't come up here.
- Then it was a rodent.
1374
01:34:52,396 --> 01:34:55,441
Opened the oven door
and it was in there looking at me.
1375
01:34:55,482 --> 01:34:58,027
Quite freaked me at the time.
1376
01:34:58,068 --> 01:35:00,279
I was gonna cook onions.
1377
01:35:00,321 --> 01:35:04,033
- Are you going to bed now?
- No. Phone.
1378
01:35:06,702 --> 01:35:10,956
- Who's he gone to telephone?
- Squat Betty.
1379
01:35:10,998 --> 01:35:14,710
His agent. But he's wasting his time
because he won't be in.
1380
01:35:38,651 --> 01:35:42,363
This'll tend to make you very high.
1381
01:35:44,949 --> 01:35:49,453
This grass is the most powerful
in the western hemisphere.
1382
01:35:49,495 --> 01:35:54,208
I have it specially flown in
from my man in Mexico.
1383
01:35:55,251 --> 01:35:57,253
He's an expert.
1384
01:35:57,294 --> 01:35:59,964
His name is Juan.
1385
01:36:00,005 --> 01:36:05,844
This grass grows
at exactly 2,000 feet above sea level.
1386
01:36:07,596 --> 01:36:09,682
Did you get the part, man?
1387
01:36:10,891 --> 01:36:13,769
(Coughing)
1388
01:36:13,811 --> 01:36:15,646
I got a different one.
1389
01:36:15,688 --> 01:36:18,774
(Coughs) They want me to play the lead.
1390
01:36:18,816 --> 01:36:20,776
Congratulations.
1391
01:36:20,818 --> 01:36:23,362
(Danny) Where exactly have you two been?
1392
01:36:23,404 --> 01:36:26,949
- Holiday in the countryside.
- That's a very good idea.
1393
01:36:26,991 --> 01:36:30,077
London is a country
coming down from its trip.
1394
01:36:30,869 --> 01:36:34,373
We are 91 days
from the end of this decade,
1395
01:36:34,415 --> 01:36:37,626
and there's gonna be a lot of refugees.
1396
01:36:37,668 --> 01:36:40,379
(All chuckle)
1397
01:36:40,421 --> 01:36:44,508
They'll be going round this town
shouting "Bring out your dead!"
1398
01:36:46,802 --> 01:36:50,055
There was a geezer round here
the other day looking for you.
1399
01:36:50,097 --> 01:36:52,516
- What geezer?
- Some bald geezer.
1400
01:36:52,558 --> 01:36:56,937
Reckons you owe him 266 quid back rent.
1401
01:36:56,979 --> 01:37:01,942
I told him there's no question
of paying rent on a property cut with rodents.
1402
01:37:01,984 --> 01:37:04,069
He takes exception to this,
1403
01:37:04,111 --> 01:37:06,821
and starts coming on really bald with me.
1404
01:37:06,822 --> 01:37:08,699
You mean ratty?
1405
01:37:08,741 --> 01:37:10,409
I told him to piss off.
1406
01:37:10,451 --> 01:37:12,870
Bloody fool. He'll have us up in court again.
1407
01:37:12,911 --> 01:37:16,290
- No, he won't. It ain't legal.
- I assume we can quote you, can we?
1408
01:37:16,874 --> 01:37:20,044
Law rather appeals to me, actually.
1409
01:37:20,085 --> 01:37:22,171
(Giggles)
1410
01:37:24,214 --> 01:37:26,592
(Gaspiflg)
1411
01:37:26,633 --> 01:37:28,302
Just high.
1412
01:37:28,344 --> 01:37:30,095
(Withnail laughs hysterically)
1413
01:37:30,137 --> 01:37:32,014
Stop laughing, Withnail, this is serious.
1414
01:37:32,056 --> 01:37:35,934
No it ain't. I looked into it.
Studied the papers.
1415
01:37:35,976 --> 01:37:39,063
- What papers?
- Legal papers.
1416
01:37:39,104 --> 01:37:42,441
(Withnail laughing hysterically)
- What papers, Danny?
1417
01:37:46,445 --> 01:37:48,614
(Withnail) Oh, oh!
1418
01:37:51,700 --> 01:37:53,911
- He's got our cheques. (Withnail laughs)
1419
01:37:53,952 --> 01:37:56,747
- What are you doing with these?
- I was gonna cash them in for you.
1420
01:37:56,789 --> 01:38:02,169
- (Deep voice)Hare Rama.Hare Rama.
- (Withnail laughing hysterically)
1421
01:38:02,211 --> 01:38:06,757
Hare Rama, Hare Rama.
1422
01:38:06,799 --> 01:38:09,009
For Christ's sake, Withnail. Stop laughing.
1423
01:38:09,051 --> 01:38:13,180
- This is a notice of eviction.
- Hare Rama, Hare Rama.
1424
01:38:13,222 --> 01:38:17,643
Rama Rama. Rama Rama.
1425
01:38:17,684 --> 01:38:20,396
(Sighs) Will you stop laughing?
They want to turn us out.
1426
01:38:21,146 --> 01:38:23,399
- Hare Rama.
- For God's...
1427
01:38:23,440 --> 01:38:26,110
Will you shut up, for God's sake?
You're giving me the fear.
1428
01:38:26,151 --> 01:38:29,405
Gimme a downer, Danny. My brain's capsizing.
I've gone and fucked my brain.
1429
01:38:29,446 --> 01:38:32,074
Change down, man.
Find your neutral space.
1430
01:38:32,116 --> 01:38:33,992
You got a rush.
1431
01:38:34,034 --> 01:38:37,246
It will pass. Be seated.
1432
01:38:44,002 --> 01:38:46,004
Aren't you getting absurdly high?
1433
01:38:46,046 --> 01:38:49,174
Precisely the reason I'm smoking it.
1434
01:38:54,721 --> 01:38:56,807
I couldn't. I'm spaced.
1435
01:38:56,849 --> 01:38:59,017
Not as spaced as your rodents.
1436
01:38:59,059 --> 01:39:00,686
Don't talk about them.
1437
01:39:00,727 --> 01:39:04,314
Well, I imagine they're talking to each other.
1438
01:39:04,356 --> 01:39:07,943
- (Breathing heavily) What do you mean?
- (Danny) I dealt with them.
1439
01:39:07,985 --> 01:39:10,028
Dealt with them?
What the fuck do you mean?
1440
01:39:10,070 --> 01:39:13,824
Dosed them.
I expect they're dead down the drain.
1441
01:39:13,866 --> 01:39:16,869
Dead down the drain?
What have you done to them?
1442
01:39:16,952 --> 01:39:19,246
Given them all drugged onions.
1443
01:39:20,456 --> 01:39:23,375
Jesus Christ!
Why have you drugged their onions?
1444
01:39:23,417 --> 01:39:26,670
Sit down, man. Take control.
1445
01:39:26,712 --> 01:39:29,339
Oh, give me a Valium.
I'm getting the fear.
1446
01:39:29,381 --> 01:39:31,842
(Danny) You have done something
to your brain.
1447
01:39:31,884 --> 01:39:33,469
You have made it high.
1448
01:39:33,510 --> 01:39:38,432
If I lay ten mils of diazepam on you,
you will do something else to your brain.
1449
01:39:38,474 --> 01:39:43,479
You will make it low.
Why trust one drug and not the other?
1450
01:39:43,520 --> 01:39:45,189
That's politics, innit?
1451
01:39:45,230 --> 01:39:47,191
I'm gonna eat some sugar.
1452
01:39:48,650 --> 01:39:51,278
I recommend you smoke some more grass.
1453
01:39:51,320 --> 01:39:53,405
No way. No fucking way.
1454
01:39:54,448 --> 01:39:57,743
That is an unfortunate political decision,
1455
01:39:57,784 --> 01:39:59,995
reflecting these times.
1456
01:40:07,169 --> 01:40:09,213
What are you talking about, Danny?
1457
01:40:09,254 --> 01:40:12,508
Politics, man. If you're hanging
onto a rising balloon,
1458
01:40:12,549 --> 01:40:15,135
you're presented with a difficult decision.
1459
01:40:15,177 --> 01:40:17,471
Let go before it's too late?
1460
01:40:17,513 --> 01:40:19,598
Or hang on and keep getting higher?
1461
01:40:19,640 --> 01:40:24,144
Posing the question,
how long can you keep a grip on the rope?
1462
01:40:26,313 --> 01:40:29,233
They're selling hippie wigs
in Woolworths, man.
1463
01:40:30,400 --> 01:40:34,905
The greatest decade
in the history of mankind is over.
1464
01:40:36,657 --> 01:40:41,286
And as Presuming Ed here
has so consistently pointed out,
1465
01:40:42,246 --> 01:40:45,123
we have failed to paint it black.
1466
01:41:34,631 --> 01:41:37,092
My dad will pick up the boxes in the week.
1467
01:41:38,093 --> 01:41:41,013
And he's gonna
do something about the car.
1468
01:41:42,389 --> 01:41:46,435
- Well, I'm off now, then.
- Already? But I've got us a bottle open.
1469
01:41:48,895 --> 01:41:52,441
I confiscated it from Monty's supplies.
1470
01:41:52,482 --> 01:41:55,068
'53 Margaux, best of the century.
1471
01:41:56,987 --> 01:41:59,197
I'm sure he wouldn't resent us
a parting drink.
1472
01:41:59,239 --> 01:42:02,951
I can't, Withnail.
I've got to walk to the station. I'll be late.
1473
01:42:02,993 --> 01:42:06,955
- There's always time for a drink.
- No. I don't have the time.
1474
01:42:08,457 --> 01:42:12,210
All right. I'll walk with you through the park.
1475
01:42:14,046 --> 01:42:16,298
We can drink it on the way.
1476
01:42:18,967 --> 01:42:21,053
(Thunder rumbling)
1477
01:42:24,389 --> 01:42:26,391
No, no more, thank you.
1478
01:42:27,225 --> 01:42:29,728
Listen, Withnail. It's a stinker,
why don't you go back?
1479
01:42:29,770 --> 01:42:35,275
- Because I wanna walk you to the station.
- Well, don't. Please don't.
1480
01:42:35,317 --> 01:42:37,402
I really don't want you to.
1481
01:42:46,495 --> 01:42:48,789
I shall miss you, Withnail.
1482
01:42:49,498 --> 01:42:52,292
I shall miss you, too.
1483
01:42:52,334 --> 01:42:54,711
- Chin-chin.
(Thunder crashes)
1484
01:43:12,938 --> 01:43:16,525
"I have of late - but wherefore I know not -
1485
01:43:16,566 --> 01:43:18,735
"lost all my mirth.
1486
01:43:19,736 --> 01:43:24,032
"And indeed, it goes so heavily
with my disposition
1487
01:43:24,074 --> 01:43:26,200
"that this goodly frame, the earth,
1488
01:43:26,201 --> 01:43:30,747
"seems to me a sterile promontory.
1489
01:43:33,291 --> 01:43:36,962
"It's the most excellent canopy, the air.
1490
01:43:37,003 --> 01:43:41,341
"Look you, this brave
o'erhanging firmament,
1491
01:43:41,383 --> 01:43:45,387
"this majestical roof fretted with golden fire,
1492
01:43:45,429 --> 01:43:47,848
"why, it appeareth nothing to me
1493
01:43:47,889 --> 01:43:51,977
"but a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapours.
1494
01:43:53,270 --> 01:43:55,564
"What a piece of work is a man!
1495
01:43:55,605 --> 01:43:58,024
"How noble in reason!
1496
01:43:58,066 --> 01:44:00,986
"How infinite in faculties!
1497
01:44:01,027 --> 01:44:03,488
"How like an angel in apprehension!
1498
01:44:03,530 --> 01:44:06,032
"How like a God!
1499
01:44:06,074 --> 01:44:08,243
"The beauty of the world!
1500
01:44:08,285 --> 01:44:10,328
"The paragon of animals!
1501
01:44:11,580 --> 01:44:13,248
"And yet, to me,
1502
01:44:13,290 --> 01:44:16,501
"what is this quintessence of dust?
1503
01:44:16,543 --> 01:44:19,588
"Man delights not me,
1504
01:44:19,629 --> 01:44:22,507
"no, nor women neither.
1505
01:44:23,759 --> 01:44:25,844
"Nor women neither."