1 00:00:00,054 --> 00:00:01,078 Hmm. 2 00:00:01,255 --> 00:00:04,190 Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him... 3 00:00:04,358 --> 00:00:06,724 ...but is actually full of shit like the rest of them. 4 00:00:07,061 --> 00:00:09,461 - This is not about Robbie. - Mm-mm. 5 00:00:09,630 --> 00:00:14,431 Asshole. As in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes... 6 00:00:14,601 --> 00:00:16,034 ...because he's nervous. 7 00:00:16,203 --> 00:00:18,228 - All right, all right, all right. - Ew. Ew. Oh. 8 00:00:18,405 --> 00:00:19,804 You know what? Know what? No. 9 00:00:19,973 --> 00:00:21,463 Here's the deal. 10 00:00:25,379 --> 00:00:27,142 - She's an alcoholic. - Aah! 11 00:00:27,314 --> 00:00:29,373 - Oh, God. Okay. - That's... I'm sorry. 12 00:00:29,550 --> 00:00:31,040 - I'm sorry. God. - I gotta go. 13 00:00:31,218 --> 00:00:32,879 - Aah! - Oh, my God. Emily. God. 14 00:00:33,687 --> 00:00:36,383 - Emily, Emily, wait. - Leave me alone, Cal. 15 00:00:36,557 --> 00:00:41,187 I'm sober five years, asshole! 16 00:00:42,563 --> 00:00:44,997 Okay, yeah, I did. I did. 17 00:00:45,165 --> 00:00:48,157 I slept with our son's eighth-grade English teacher. 18 00:00:48,335 --> 00:00:49,700 I know. I know. 19 00:00:49,870 --> 00:00:53,169 And I cheated, so I have no right to be angry. 20 00:00:53,340 --> 00:00:56,207 Not the point. When we were married you were the only woman... 21 00:00:56,377 --> 00:00:57,844 ...that I had ever slept with... 22 00:00:58,011 --> 00:01:00,878 ...and now I have had sex with nine different women... God. 23 00:01:02,916 --> 00:01:04,816 Nine? 24 00:01:04,985 --> 00:01:06,009 Nine? 25 00:01:08,389 --> 00:01:09,686 Wow. 26 00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:15,055 You showed me. 27 00:01:20,033 --> 00:01:22,228 I wasn't trying to show you. 28 00:01:24,004 --> 00:01:25,301 I was trying to move on. 29 00:01:28,409 --> 00:01:30,309 But I don't want to. 30 00:01:35,949 --> 00:01:38,213 You've always been the only one. 31 00:01:41,255 --> 00:01:45,055 Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole. 32 00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:51,854 You said that to her? 33 00:01:58,105 --> 00:01:59,970 I did, yes. 34 00:02:01,241 --> 00:02:03,038 Who are you? 35 00:02:10,918 --> 00:02:12,408 I'm your soul mate. 36 00:02:28,869 --> 00:02:30,666 What a clich�. 37 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,741 You, get over here. Come on. 38 00:03:08,909 --> 00:03:11,036 Yeah, yeah, give it up. Give it up for her. 39 00:03:11,245 --> 00:03:12,644 Aw. 40 00:03:12,813 --> 00:03:14,212 I'm so proud of you, baby. 41 00:03:14,414 --> 00:03:16,143 I had my doubts, of course. 42 00:03:21,321 --> 00:03:26,452 Hannah, I did tell you that tonight would be a special night if you passed the bar. 43 00:03:27,828 --> 00:03:28,852 So, Hannah... 44 00:03:29,930 --> 00:03:35,266 ...I would like to formally ask you... 45 00:03:35,435 --> 00:03:37,665 ...in front of all our friends and colleagues... 46 00:03:38,205 --> 00:03:41,834 ...if you would like to become... 47 00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:46,507 ...a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkins, Goldberg and Schmidt? Huh? 48 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,148 How about that? Ha, ha. To you. 49 00:03:50,050 --> 00:03:51,142 Whoo! 50 00:03:55,722 --> 00:03:57,519 What? 51 00:03:58,392 --> 00:04:01,293 - I ju... Um... - What, what is it? 52 00:04:04,464 --> 00:04:08,867 I thought that you were gonna propose for some reason. 53 00:04:10,270 --> 00:04:12,932 - What? - Yeah. I know. I'm just... 54 00:04:13,106 --> 00:04:14,664 It's just, uh, I'm a little thrown. 55 00:04:14,841 --> 00:04:16,035 I'm sorry. 56 00:04:16,877 --> 00:04:22,179 I didn't realize that you thought that we were there. 57 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:25,614 Oh, no. God, no. Don't be silly. I just... 58 00:04:25,786 --> 00:04:28,414 I need some time, I think... 59 00:04:28,589 --> 00:04:33,288 ...to figure out how I feel about us, you know? 60 00:04:34,227 --> 00:04:37,219 Brrp. Long-term. 61 00:04:38,899 --> 00:04:40,924 You need some time? 62 00:04:42,135 --> 00:04:44,933 You need some time to figure out how you feel about us? Okay. 63 00:04:45,105 --> 00:04:46,129 Honey? 64 00:04:50,077 --> 00:04:53,046 - Wow. Ha-ha-ha. - Ha, ha. Wow. 65 00:04:54,114 --> 00:04:57,106 - Ahem. - Wow. Huh. 66 00:04:57,284 --> 00:04:58,308 Wow. 67 00:05:00,053 --> 00:05:02,578 This is actually really funny. I'm just... Next level. 68 00:05:02,756 --> 00:05:04,383 - Is this yours? Is this yours? - Yes. 69 00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:07,622 Mm. Mm. 70 00:05:07,794 --> 00:05:08,954 Honey? 71 00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,591 - Is this gin? - Yes. 72 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:16,098 - There's, like, no water in that. - Yeah. 73 00:05:17,671 --> 00:05:19,969 - Great. - Mm. Aah, I hate gin. 74 00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:22,633 Wow, you know what? Thank you, Richard. 75 00:05:22,809 --> 00:05:27,143 Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer. I will consider it. 76 00:05:27,881 --> 00:05:28,905 Hannah Banana. 77 00:05:29,616 --> 00:05:32,278 - Whoo! Ha, ha. - Banana. Hannah. 78 00:05:38,892 --> 00:05:41,122 - Do you wanna buy me a drink? - Yes. 79 00:05:41,294 --> 00:05:43,728 - It's nicer that way. Right? - You. 80 00:06:09,756 --> 00:06:10,780 You remember me? 81 00:06:12,125 --> 00:06:13,149 Yeah. 82 00:06:13,326 --> 00:06:15,487 - You still find me attractive? - Yes. 83 00:06:15,662 --> 00:06:17,357 Still wanna take me home? 84 00:06:18,832 --> 00:06:19,856 Yeah. 85 00:06:22,636 --> 00:06:23,660 Let's go. 86 00:06:58,338 --> 00:06:59,737 Just one look 87 00:07:01,475 --> 00:07:03,807 And I fell so hard 88 00:07:03,977 --> 00:07:05,137 Here. 89 00:07:07,147 --> 00:07:09,672 I really like this song. This was a good choice. Yeah. 90 00:07:09,850 --> 00:07:12,182 - Good song. You never hear this song. - Mm-hm. Mm-mm. 91 00:07:12,352 --> 00:07:13,376 Love this song. 92 00:07:16,423 --> 00:07:17,583 Cheers. 93 00:07:19,593 --> 00:07:24,895 How good it feels 94 00:07:25,065 --> 00:07:26,225 Ugh. 95 00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:29,365 That's not my drink. 96 00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,231 Your love 97 00:07:31,404 --> 00:07:33,599 Mm. Mm. 98 00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:35,565 Ugh. 99 00:07:37,978 --> 00:07:40,173 It's not my favorite. Thank you. 100 00:07:42,415 --> 00:07:44,178 Forever 101 00:07:46,253 --> 00:07:49,586 And always 102 00:07:49,756 --> 00:07:52,725 - So is this how it normally works? - What? 103 00:07:52,893 --> 00:07:55,521 You put on the perfect song, you make them a drink. 104 00:07:55,695 --> 00:07:59,028 And I knew 105 00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:00,632 And then you sleep together. 106 00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:02,131 That you 107 00:08:03,270 --> 00:08:04,794 Um... 108 00:08:04,971 --> 00:08:05,995 Yeah. 109 00:08:07,974 --> 00:08:09,601 I'm very nervous. 110 00:08:10,410 --> 00:08:11,843 I'm getting that. 111 00:08:12,445 --> 00:08:15,141 Okay. Because I know I seemed confident back at the bar... 112 00:08:15,315 --> 00:08:19,752 ...but that was mostly just because I was cold and wet... 113 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,411 ...and trying to be dramatic a little bit. 114 00:08:23,256 --> 00:08:24,280 You're adorable. 115 00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:26,482 No. 116 00:08:26,860 --> 00:08:28,122 I am sexy. 117 00:08:28,295 --> 00:08:30,422 - I am R-rated sexy. - Mm-hm. 118 00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:34,033 Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, all right? I know. 119 00:08:34,201 --> 00:08:38,331 It's that I get really drunk and then I pass out. 120 00:08:38,505 --> 00:08:41,565 You cover me with a blanket, kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens. 121 00:08:41,741 --> 00:08:43,936 But that's not why I'm here. 122 00:08:44,411 --> 00:08:48,973 I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar. 123 00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:52,608 - Jacob. - Jacob. 124 00:08:53,887 --> 00:08:55,855 - Are people still saying "bang"? - I do. 125 00:08:56,022 --> 00:08:58,354 We are gonna bang. Hmm? 126 00:08:58,525 --> 00:08:59,890 This is happening. 127 00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:02,150 - Take off your shirt. - Why? 128 00:09:02,329 --> 00:09:05,924 Please, will you take off your shirt? I can't stop thinking. I need to just... 129 00:09:06,099 --> 00:09:08,363 - Okay, okay, okay. - All right, okay, okay, okay. 130 00:09:16,810 --> 00:09:17,970 Fuck. 131 00:09:18,144 --> 00:09:21,136 Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. 132 00:09:23,216 --> 00:09:24,308 Can l...? 133 00:09:25,352 --> 00:09:27,320 Aah. You have cold hands. 134 00:09:28,722 --> 00:09:30,246 - Now you take off your dress. - No. 135 00:09:30,423 --> 00:09:33,256 - Yes. - No. Not with that going on. No, thank you. 136 00:09:33,426 --> 00:09:35,917 Is there dim lighting somewhere? Oh, God. 137 00:09:37,330 --> 00:09:40,561 Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now? Like, logistically? 138 00:09:40,734 --> 00:09:43,601 - What's your move? - What do you mean, what's my move? 139 00:09:43,803 --> 00:09:46,431 - What's your move? Your big move? - I got lots of moves. 140 00:09:46,606 --> 00:09:48,437 - What's your big move? - I'm not telling. 141 00:09:48,608 --> 00:09:51,133 - Tell me your move. - You're not ready for the big move. 142 00:09:51,311 --> 00:09:53,541 - Yes, I am. - You can't handle the big move. 143 00:09:53,713 --> 00:09:57,080 - Tell me your big move. - I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation. 144 00:09:59,085 --> 00:10:00,950 Dirty Dancing? 145 00:10:01,121 --> 00:10:03,214 - Can I sit down, please? - Yeah. 146 00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:05,119 - Can I put back on my shirt? - No. 147 00:10:05,292 --> 00:10:07,624 Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it? 148 00:10:07,794 --> 00:10:11,992 You know the big move at the end where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey? 149 00:10:12,165 --> 00:10:14,065 - Yeah. - I can do that. 150 00:10:15,435 --> 00:10:17,960 - Okay. - So I tell girls I can do the move. 151 00:10:18,138 --> 00:10:21,869 I put on the song "Time of Your Life." I do the big move. 152 00:10:22,542 --> 00:10:24,305 And they always wanna have sex with me. 153 00:10:24,477 --> 00:10:27,469 Oh, my God. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 154 00:10:27,647 --> 00:10:29,911 I agree. But it works every time. 155 00:10:30,850 --> 00:10:32,147 That would not work on me. 156 00:10:37,924 --> 00:10:40,620 Oh, God, this is ridiculous. I don't wanna do it. 157 00:10:40,794 --> 00:10:41,818 Come on. 158 00:10:41,995 --> 00:10:43,895 This is beyond ridiculous. 159 00:10:44,064 --> 00:10:45,554 - Run and jump. - No. 160 00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:47,393 - Yeah. Come on. - No, thank you. 161 00:10:48,601 --> 00:10:50,364 Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go. 162 00:10:54,441 --> 00:11:00,846 'Cause I've had the time of my life 163 00:11:01,014 --> 00:11:05,542 And I owe it all to you 164 00:11:11,925 --> 00:11:13,916 I've been waiting for so long 165 00:11:14,094 --> 00:11:18,622 Now I've finally found someone To stand by me 166 00:11:21,368 --> 00:11:23,996 Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom? 167 00:11:24,170 --> 00:11:25,330 The bedroom is preferred. 168 00:11:25,505 --> 00:11:28,269 Mm-hm. Yeah, okay. Let's go there. 169 00:12:01,307 --> 00:12:03,002 This pillow... 170 00:12:04,477 --> 00:12:07,742 ...forms perfectly to the shape of my head. 171 00:12:10,050 --> 00:12:11,210 Yeah. 172 00:12:16,089 --> 00:12:18,683 Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone? 173 00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:21,152 Yeah. 174 00:12:21,461 --> 00:12:23,656 - Yeah? Oh. - Yeah. 175 00:12:24,597 --> 00:12:27,225 I always wondered who buys those kind of... 176 00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:30,760 The hot guy from the bar buys these. Of course. 177 00:12:30,970 --> 00:12:32,494 - Jacob. - Mm-hm, Jacob. Sorry about that. 178 00:12:32,672 --> 00:12:33,696 Good. 179 00:12:34,908 --> 00:12:36,773 I'm sorry, continue. 180 00:12:56,096 --> 00:13:00,965 You don't have one of those ridiculous, um, massage chairs, do you? 181 00:13:05,538 --> 00:13:06,732 - You do? - No. 182 00:13:06,906 --> 00:13:08,533 - Yes, you do. - Yeah, I do. 183 00:13:08,708 --> 00:13:11,233 - Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God. - I don't. I don't. I do. 184 00:13:11,411 --> 00:13:13,538 Who would have that? I would. I have that. 185 00:13:13,947 --> 00:13:15,539 - How much was it? - Five thousand dollars. 186 00:13:17,283 --> 00:13:18,910 Ask me how many times I've used it. 187 00:13:19,085 --> 00:13:21,246 - How many times have you used it? - Twice. 188 00:13:22,055 --> 00:13:23,750 That's $2500 a massage. 189 00:13:23,923 --> 00:13:25,550 Twice. 190 00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:29,020 - Where is it? - It's in the garage. 191 00:13:29,863 --> 00:13:31,330 Can I sit in the massage chair? 192 00:13:36,169 --> 00:13:37,659 I hate it. 193 00:13:38,771 --> 00:13:42,229 The Home Shopping Network. But I'm addic... I buy... I'm just the worst. 194 00:13:42,408 --> 00:13:43,898 - Do you have a Slap Chop? - Yes. 195 00:13:44,077 --> 00:13:46,068 - The knife that cuts through the penny? - Yes. 196 00:13:46,246 --> 00:13:49,044 - Ha-ha-ha. What else do you have? - Coin Bears. 197 00:13:49,215 --> 00:13:51,581 Coin Bears? You don't have Coin Bears. 198 00:13:51,751 --> 00:13:53,514 I have a whole set from each state. 199 00:13:53,686 --> 00:13:55,119 You have 50 Coin Bears? 200 00:13:55,288 --> 00:13:57,722 - They have a coin in their foot. - You stay up nights. 201 00:13:57,891 --> 00:13:59,483 I am wildly unhappy. 202 00:14:01,094 --> 00:14:04,461 I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working. 203 00:14:04,631 --> 00:14:06,963 - Were you smart in school? - A little bossy, yeah. 204 00:14:07,133 --> 00:14:11,695 But I won a spelling bee and my dad cried at the spelling bee. 205 00:14:11,871 --> 00:14:13,771 - No way. That's nice. - Mm-hm. 206 00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,999 - What word did you win on? - It was so stupid. 207 00:14:16,176 --> 00:14:19,270 I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. 208 00:14:19,812 --> 00:14:22,110 What, you think coffee and sleep don't mix? 209 00:14:22,282 --> 00:14:26,480 Well, they do if it's High Point. It's decaffeinated. 210 00:14:26,653 --> 00:14:29,019 And the flavor is marvelous. 211 00:14:29,189 --> 00:14:31,589 Do you have that mold that makes cakes...? 212 00:14:31,758 --> 00:14:32,816 I have calf pants. 213 00:14:35,094 --> 00:14:37,654 I have pants just for my calves. Calf pants. 214 00:14:45,338 --> 00:14:46,805 Oh, my God. 215 00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,876 Could you do me a favor? 216 00:14:52,345 --> 00:14:53,869 - What? - Will you do me a kindness? 217 00:14:54,047 --> 00:14:55,480 Mm. 218 00:14:55,648 --> 00:15:00,608 Will you ask me something personal about myself? 219 00:15:00,787 --> 00:15:03,813 Hmm. Okay, fine. I'll do it. And then we bang. 220 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,252 Yes. 221 00:15:05,425 --> 00:15:06,619 What's your mother like? 222 00:15:07,527 --> 00:15:12,487 My mom is very beautiful. 223 00:15:12,665 --> 00:15:15,828 Um... Very vain. 224 00:15:16,669 --> 00:15:18,261 Very smart. 225 00:15:19,072 --> 00:15:20,369 Cold. 226 00:15:20,573 --> 00:15:22,063 And your dad? 227 00:15:23,042 --> 00:15:24,066 Um... 228 00:15:25,411 --> 00:15:28,073 He died a long time ago. 229 00:15:29,515 --> 00:15:31,346 He was such a sweet guy. 230 00:15:31,517 --> 00:15:33,348 He was probably too sweet. 231 00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:38,786 Very successful in business. 232 00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:44,225 He made a lot of money, which is why I have all this stuff. 233 00:15:44,397 --> 00:15:46,194 But he was soft. 234 00:15:47,267 --> 00:15:49,963 Just too soft, too sensitive. 235 00:15:50,169 --> 00:15:54,538 And, you know, Dad, he couldn't really handle my mother... 236 00:15:54,707 --> 00:15:57,471 ...and didn't really make an effort. 237 00:16:28,841 --> 00:16:30,570 Hey, Jacob, it's Cal. 238 00:16:30,843 --> 00:16:32,208 Where are you? 239 00:16:32,412 --> 00:16:35,540 Remember the first woman I picked up, that teacher? 240 00:16:35,715 --> 00:16:37,376 Well, I have a story to tell you about her. 241 00:16:38,751 --> 00:16:41,618 It's been a week. I haven't heard from you. Should I be concerned? 242 00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:44,222 I am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women. Call me. 243 00:16:45,591 --> 00:16:47,752 Oh. Yeah, hey, it's me again. 244 00:16:48,728 --> 00:16:51,128 Left like a hundred messages. 245 00:16:53,766 --> 00:16:57,224 Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I'm not getting it, so... 246 00:16:58,271 --> 00:17:00,262 Call me back, please. Thanks. 247 00:17:24,364 --> 00:17:27,197 - Been to St. Louis? - No, I haven't. 248 00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:31,326 I always dreamt of playing shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals, actually... 249 00:17:31,504 --> 00:17:34,564 ...but I couldn't hit a curveball, so I did the next best thing. 250 00:17:34,774 --> 00:17:36,332 Yeah, you became an accountant. 251 00:17:36,509 --> 00:17:37,737 Right. Exactly. 252 00:17:37,910 --> 00:17:40,538 I mean, the money's not as good, but there's less travel. 253 00:17:40,713 --> 00:17:41,737 Mm. Ha, ha. 254 00:17:41,914 --> 00:17:44,280 - I was gonna be a ballerina. - Really? 255 00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:46,714 So tell me, what is it with women and ballerinas? 256 00:17:46,886 --> 00:17:49,218 I just pictured myself in the ballet. 257 00:17:49,389 --> 00:17:52,017 It's not like I had a lot of training or anything. 258 00:17:52,191 --> 00:17:54,853 I mean, I actually never really had a lesson... 259 00:17:55,027 --> 00:17:58,485 ...and, um, haven't seen a ballet. 260 00:17:59,065 --> 00:18:00,555 You've never been to the ballet? 261 00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:02,928 - Mm-mm. - Wow. 262 00:18:03,102 --> 00:18:06,367 - I'd love to take you to the ballet. - You'd love to go to the ballet? 263 00:18:06,539 --> 00:18:09,906 I didn't say that. I'd love to take you to the ballet. I'd drop you off. 264 00:18:10,076 --> 00:18:13,045 Later on I'd pick you up and we could go to a ball game. 265 00:18:13,212 --> 00:18:14,304 Oh, I get it. 266 00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:20,451 - Ha, ha. - I had a lot of fun tonight. 267 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:25,055 You like sushi? I know this really great little sushi place... 268 00:18:25,224 --> 00:18:26,248 I don't eat sushi. 269 00:18:26,426 --> 00:18:28,826 That we're never gonna go to because I hate sushi. 270 00:18:38,905 --> 00:18:40,839 Oh, hi. Hi, Jess. 271 00:18:41,007 --> 00:18:43,532 Uh, this is my work friend, David. 272 00:18:43,709 --> 00:18:45,233 David is an accountant. 273 00:18:45,411 --> 00:18:47,538 David, this is Jessica, my babysitter. 274 00:18:48,114 --> 00:18:49,172 Uh... 275 00:18:50,483 --> 00:18:52,883 So, you know, everything looks great. 276 00:18:53,052 --> 00:18:54,417 Spreadsheets. 277 00:18:54,587 --> 00:18:56,077 Spreadsheets. 278 00:18:59,625 --> 00:19:00,751 See you at work. 279 00:19:00,927 --> 00:19:02,554 Yeah, see you at work. 280 00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,828 So how was dinner? 281 00:19:09,001 --> 00:19:11,299 - Oh, well, you know, it was just for work. - Yeah. 282 00:19:11,471 --> 00:19:14,998 - That's a really pretty dress. - Thank you. What do I owe you? 283 00:19:15,641 --> 00:19:18,838 Do you know that your kids are the only ones that I babysit for... 284 00:19:19,011 --> 00:19:22,640 ...that wanna stay awake so that they can see their dad when he gets home? 285 00:19:23,749 --> 00:19:28,311 Yeah, I mean, they fight with everything they have to keep their eyes open. 286 00:19:28,488 --> 00:19:30,115 And don't get me wrong... 287 00:19:30,289 --> 00:19:34,988 ...no, your kids are really excited to see you when you get home too, Ms. Weaver... 288 00:19:36,128 --> 00:19:39,222 ...but not a lot wanna stay up for Dad. 289 00:19:42,001 --> 00:19:44,128 Honey, what are you trying to say? 290 00:19:44,303 --> 00:19:45,361 Batshit crazy. 291 00:19:45,538 --> 00:19:47,369 Jessica, uh, what...? 292 00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:50,134 - Let me give you... - I don't want your slutty money. 293 00:19:50,309 --> 00:19:54,040 Sweetheart, what's the pro...? What's wrong? 294 00:19:55,781 --> 00:19:59,046 "Slutty money"? 295 00:21:55,301 --> 00:21:56,325 Kids. 296 00:21:59,305 --> 00:22:02,502 Kids. Ice cream. 297 00:22:12,118 --> 00:22:16,179 - I knew it. I knew it. - Yeah. I'll be right back. 298 00:22:30,636 --> 00:22:32,433 Oh, shit. Oh, God. 299 00:22:44,917 --> 00:22:45,941 Hello? 300 00:22:46,118 --> 00:22:47,983 - Hi, Cal. - Hi. 301 00:22:48,654 --> 00:22:49,985 Um... 302 00:22:51,290 --> 00:22:52,484 So... 303 00:22:52,658 --> 00:22:56,321 ...I'm just calling, um... 304 00:22:58,130 --> 00:23:00,963 ...because I'm in the basement... 305 00:23:01,133 --> 00:23:03,931 ...and I'm trying to get the water heater working, um... 306 00:23:05,538 --> 00:23:09,167 ...because the pilot light's out and I don't know how to relight it. 307 00:23:09,975 --> 00:23:11,567 So I'm sorry to bother you. 308 00:23:11,744 --> 00:23:15,271 No, no. It's fine. That's fine. Call me... 309 00:23:16,148 --> 00:23:18,378 I'm glad you called about this. 310 00:23:18,551 --> 00:23:20,849 - I'll just walk you through it, okay? - Okay. 311 00:23:22,321 --> 00:23:26,553 All right, so there's a gray door. You see the gray door? 312 00:23:26,726 --> 00:23:29,820 - Yeah. - Okay, just slide that down. 313 00:23:31,097 --> 00:23:32,121 Okay. 314 00:23:32,298 --> 00:23:35,392 There's a red button with the word "push" on it. 315 00:23:35,568 --> 00:23:37,536 I wrote the word "push" on it? 316 00:23:38,037 --> 00:23:42,133 So you push it. And you turn it to the right. 317 00:23:42,308 --> 00:23:43,639 I got it. 318 00:23:44,143 --> 00:23:46,043 And then just put the match in. 319 00:23:49,115 --> 00:23:50,844 Oh, there it goes. 320 00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:55,044 Just have to slide the gray door down again and you're good to go. 321 00:23:56,455 --> 00:23:57,752 Oh. 322 00:24:01,327 --> 00:24:04,194 Well, thanks, Cal. I appreciate your help. 323 00:24:04,363 --> 00:24:08,094 Oh, you know what? Just call anytime with stuff like that. That's... 324 00:24:09,502 --> 00:24:11,766 Oh, yeah. Uh... 325 00:24:11,937 --> 00:24:13,268 Yeah. Oh. 326 00:24:13,906 --> 00:24:15,100 Sure. 327 00:24:15,808 --> 00:24:17,503 So I'll talk to you soon. 328 00:24:18,177 --> 00:24:20,008 Yeah, and, um... 329 00:24:22,214 --> 00:24:23,579 Thanks again. 330 00:24:23,749 --> 00:24:26,343 No, that's... My pleasure. 331 00:24:29,255 --> 00:24:30,688 Don't want you to blow up the house. 332 00:24:33,893 --> 00:24:34,951 Bye. 333 00:24:35,127 --> 00:24:36,253 Bye. 334 00:24:54,847 --> 00:24:57,077 - Dad, can we go to McDonald's? - Uh, no. 335 00:24:57,249 --> 00:24:58,341 Why not? 336 00:24:59,852 --> 00:25:01,149 Check it out. 337 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,413 Only reason they play them is they're catchy. 338 00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:05,454 - Thank you. - Here you go, sir. 339 00:25:05,624 --> 00:25:07,114 Now, does it come in sheets...? 340 00:25:07,293 --> 00:25:10,490 Oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8. Standard 4 by 8, your 3/4 inch stock. Yeah. 341 00:25:10,663 --> 00:25:13,564 - Now, this is for my wife. - Oh. That's nice. 342 00:25:13,732 --> 00:25:14,926 It has curtains. 343 00:25:15,100 --> 00:25:16,362 - Oh, hey, Cal. - Hey, Bernie. 344 00:25:16,535 --> 00:25:18,230 - Hi, Mr. Riley. - Hi, Mr. Riley. 345 00:25:18,404 --> 00:25:19,428 - How's it going? - Oh, good. 346 00:25:19,605 --> 00:25:22,597 I'd love to catch up, but I'm doing something to the house later. 347 00:25:22,775 --> 00:25:24,106 Kind of in a rush. 348 00:25:24,276 --> 00:25:25,766 Thanks for the cologne. 349 00:25:25,945 --> 00:25:27,572 Do you know if this is chintz? 350 00:25:29,081 --> 00:25:30,514 - Hello? - Cal. 351 00:25:30,683 --> 00:25:32,548 - Jacob. - Oh, my God, it's alive. 352 00:25:32,718 --> 00:25:35,152 Hey, sorry I kind of dropped off the grid there, pal. 353 00:25:35,321 --> 00:25:37,812 You left me in my hour of need, my friend. 354 00:25:37,990 --> 00:25:39,014 Yeah, well... 355 00:25:39,191 --> 00:25:42,251 ...I'm in a bit of a situation. 356 00:25:42,428 --> 00:25:43,986 A pickle, if you will. 357 00:25:44,163 --> 00:25:46,188 - I got no one else to call. - Ha, ha. 358 00:25:46,632 --> 00:25:48,600 - I met a girl. - Oh, really? 359 00:25:48,767 --> 00:25:52,032 I'm spending all this time with her and she is a game changer. 360 00:25:52,204 --> 00:25:54,229 She's a game changer? No way. 361 00:25:54,406 --> 00:25:56,670 So much so I'm going to meet her mother right now. 362 00:25:56,842 --> 00:26:00,005 A mother and daughter. That's very Wilt Chamberlain-esque, even for you. 363 00:26:00,179 --> 00:26:01,669 - What is the matter with you? - Ha, ha. 364 00:26:01,847 --> 00:26:03,940 I don't know what to do. I need some advice. 365 00:26:04,116 --> 00:26:07,984 You might actually have to answer some personal questions about yourself. 366 00:26:08,153 --> 00:26:10,348 You gotta smile a lot. You've gotta be charming. 367 00:26:10,522 --> 00:26:11,648 Definitely don't be yourself. 368 00:26:11,824 --> 00:26:13,655 That's what you've got for me, don't be myself? 369 00:26:13,826 --> 00:26:16,386 - Ha-ha-ha. - Great. Thanks for nothing. 370 00:26:16,562 --> 00:26:17,859 Do you wanna get a...? 371 00:26:18,797 --> 00:26:20,822 Do you wanna get a beer next week? 372 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,729 You have my number. 373 00:26:22,902 --> 00:26:25,530 And, you know, don't worry about tonight. You'll be fine. 374 00:26:25,704 --> 00:26:28,229 - Good for you, by the way. - See you, buddy. 375 00:26:28,841 --> 00:26:31,867 Honk. You gotta get that fixed. 376 00:26:33,646 --> 00:26:36,308 - Okay. All right. - Let's go. 377 00:26:59,405 --> 00:27:00,770 Va-jay-jay. 378 00:27:17,289 --> 00:27:19,780 ... out of this fourth inning with just one run in. 379 00:27:19,959 --> 00:27:24,293 He's right on the verge of a big hit knocking him out of the game here. 380 00:27:24,496 --> 00:27:27,431 He's staying in there, very competitive today. 381 00:27:47,353 --> 00:27:50,151 No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. 382 00:27:51,156 --> 00:27:53,750 No, leave him. Let him go. He can handle it. Let him go. 383 00:27:53,926 --> 00:27:56,224 Honey! Get out of my purse. Stay out of my purse! 384 00:27:56,395 --> 00:28:00,354 Do not take those keys! Do not take those keys! I'm not letting you take those keys. 385 00:28:00,532 --> 00:28:03,160 You're not following your father! Stop it! 386 00:28:03,335 --> 00:28:06,463 No! No! Let your father handle it. You're not to see that man again! 387 00:28:06,638 --> 00:28:07,764 That man's a pervert! 388 00:28:07,940 --> 00:28:09,168 - Stay out of it! - No! 389 00:28:09,341 --> 00:28:10,933 Is that pervert sexting you? 390 00:28:11,343 --> 00:28:12,367 Hey, baby. 391 00:28:13,012 --> 00:28:14,104 What are you wearing? 392 00:28:14,279 --> 00:28:17,407 Dad's here. I have to blindfold you. 393 00:28:17,583 --> 00:28:20,177 - Why? What's he doing? - Just come on. 394 00:28:32,264 --> 00:28:33,561 Hate this. Bad. 395 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,168 Is this something I'm gonna have to clean up? 396 00:28:37,336 --> 00:28:39,270 Mom, no, don't worry about it. Keep going. 397 00:28:39,438 --> 00:28:41,929 - Honey, honey, I really can't see. - Mom, I got you. 398 00:28:42,107 --> 00:28:44,632 Two. Right now we're on the ground. One more step. 399 00:28:44,810 --> 00:28:46,141 - Three. - Three. Yay. 400 00:28:46,311 --> 00:28:48,438 Mom, no more steps. We're on the ground. 401 00:28:48,614 --> 00:28:51,606 Mom, relax. It's your husband, not al Qaeda. 402 00:28:51,784 --> 00:28:52,808 Hi, Em. 403 00:28:52,985 --> 00:28:55,453 Oh, hey. Can I take this off now, please? 404 00:28:55,621 --> 00:28:57,452 - Nope, not yet. - Oh, what's this? 405 00:28:58,824 --> 00:29:00,485 - I hear you, gigglepuss. - Do it. 406 00:29:04,463 --> 00:29:06,863 May I have your attention? 407 00:29:10,035 --> 00:29:14,802 Many years ago, in the hallway of Woodside Middle School... 408 00:29:14,973 --> 00:29:18,306 ...Cal Weaver saw Emily Boyle for the first time. 409 00:29:18,477 --> 00:29:21,446 Cal, are you seriously gonna do this in front of the kids? 410 00:29:21,613 --> 00:29:22,637 Mm-hm. 411 00:29:22,815 --> 00:29:26,012 If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to take her upstairs and put the TV on loud. 412 00:29:26,418 --> 00:29:29,478 All right. Well, we may as well wait for your daughter. 413 00:29:29,655 --> 00:29:32,317 - She's right here. - No, no, no. I mean our other daughter. 414 00:29:32,491 --> 00:29:33,788 - Hello? - Nanna. 415 00:29:33,959 --> 00:29:36,359 - Hi, guys. - Hi, sweetheart. 416 00:29:36,528 --> 00:29:38,257 - Hi. - What's going on? 417 00:29:38,430 --> 00:29:42,161 Oh, I don't know. Some game. He won't let me take this dumb blindfold off. 418 00:29:42,334 --> 00:29:43,926 - Cal? - Is that him? 419 00:29:44,369 --> 00:29:45,529 What are you doing here? 420 00:29:45,704 --> 00:29:48,639 - What are you doing here? - Wait, do you guys know each other? 421 00:29:48,807 --> 00:29:50,798 - What's going on? - What are you doing here? 422 00:29:50,976 --> 00:29:53,137 - Hey, Nanna. - Hi, Robbie. 423 00:29:53,312 --> 00:29:54,745 - Hey, Nanna. - Hi, cutie. 424 00:29:54,913 --> 00:29:56,278 Jacob, it's so nice to meet you. 425 00:29:56,448 --> 00:29:58,973 I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna. 426 00:29:59,151 --> 00:30:00,846 - I'm sorry, what's a Nanna? - I am. 427 00:30:01,019 --> 00:30:03,146 I couldn't say Hannah. How do you know my dad? 428 00:30:03,322 --> 00:30:05,517 She couldn't say her H's at all. 429 00:30:05,691 --> 00:30:08,717 Okay. I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now. 430 00:30:09,361 --> 00:30:13,320 - Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend. - No, it's not. 431 00:30:13,499 --> 00:30:16,229 - I was bringing him over to meet Mom. - No. No. No, no, no. 432 00:30:16,401 --> 00:30:18,460 - I wanna see the boyfriend. - I can't breathe. 433 00:30:18,637 --> 00:30:19,797 Can I take this off? 434 00:30:19,972 --> 00:30:22,463 Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up? 435 00:30:22,674 --> 00:30:25,142 I was 17. That's why we had to get married so young. 436 00:30:25,310 --> 00:30:28,279 - You should have told me. - Never wanted me to talk about my children. 437 00:30:28,447 --> 00:30:31,848 - Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now. - That's fine. Why don't you go do that? 438 00:30:32,017 --> 00:30:33,382 - Yeah. Can I come? - No. 439 00:30:33,552 --> 00:30:35,850 So you guys, like, really know each other, then. 440 00:30:36,021 --> 00:30:38,649 Oh, screw it. This is ridiculous. 441 00:30:38,824 --> 00:30:40,689 - Honey, he's really cute. - No, he's not. 442 00:30:40,859 --> 00:30:43,453 Look at you. You're really a mother? I don't believe it, sister. 443 00:30:43,962 --> 00:30:46,226 Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing. 444 00:30:46,398 --> 00:30:48,798 You guys are a couple, right? You guys are together? 445 00:30:48,967 --> 00:30:50,958 - Yeah. - No way. Break up right now. 446 00:30:51,336 --> 00:30:53,099 - Daddy? - Please don't call him that. 447 00:30:53,906 --> 00:30:56,500 - Cal, that's not gonna happen. - Then I will mess you up. 448 00:30:56,708 --> 00:30:57,800 - Dad. - Cal. 449 00:30:57,976 --> 00:30:59,000 - Cal. - Jessica? 450 00:30:59,178 --> 00:31:00,202 Bernie? 451 00:31:01,914 --> 00:31:03,040 Daddy, no. 452 00:31:03,215 --> 00:31:06,150 I let her babysit for you, you son of a bitch. 453 00:31:06,919 --> 00:31:09,479 - She's only 17 years old. - What are you talking about? 454 00:31:09,655 --> 00:31:11,589 - Oh, God. - No idea what you're talking about. 455 00:31:11,757 --> 00:31:12,883 - Aah! - Bernie. 456 00:31:13,058 --> 00:31:16,186 Daddy, no. No, no, no. Stop it. 457 00:31:18,330 --> 00:31:20,161 - Dad. - Jacob! Oh, God. 458 00:31:20,332 --> 00:31:21,890 Stop it. He didn't do anything. 459 00:31:22,067 --> 00:31:23,830 - He doesn't know. - Is your back okay? 460 00:31:24,002 --> 00:31:25,492 - Know what? - Know what? 461 00:31:25,671 --> 00:31:27,798 Is this some kind of a skit? Because I'm lost. 462 00:31:28,006 --> 00:31:29,030 - Argh! - No. 463 00:31:29,208 --> 00:31:31,768 - Aah! - No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy. 464 00:31:31,944 --> 00:31:33,707 He didn't even know that I'm in love with him. 465 00:31:34,613 --> 00:31:36,080 - With who? - With him. 466 00:31:36,248 --> 00:31:38,182 - You pointing at me? - You pointing at him? 467 00:31:38,350 --> 00:31:40,113 She's pointing at him? Oh. 468 00:31:40,285 --> 00:31:43,118 Wait. My dad is the older guy you've been seeing? 469 00:31:43,288 --> 00:31:46,382 - I knew it. You... - He doesn't know about the naked photos. 470 00:31:46,558 --> 00:31:48,287 - What? - Jessica. 471 00:31:48,460 --> 00:31:50,223 You made him naked photos? Seriously? 472 00:31:50,395 --> 00:31:54,024 - I'm gonna beat you till your brains fall out. - Timeout, timeout. Hold on. 473 00:31:54,199 --> 00:31:57,191 - But I love her. - Jessica's the one you're in love with? 474 00:31:57,369 --> 00:31:59,166 Excuse me, Emily? 475 00:31:59,938 --> 00:32:02,304 - You left your sweater in my car. - Oh. 476 00:32:02,474 --> 00:32:04,032 - Who are you? - David Lindhagen. 477 00:32:05,944 --> 00:32:08,003 - David Lindhagen? - David Lindhagen. 478 00:32:09,248 --> 00:32:10,806 Okay. 479 00:32:10,983 --> 00:32:13,076 - Is this a bad time? - Yeah. 480 00:32:13,252 --> 00:32:14,879 - Unh. - Jacob. 481 00:32:15,420 --> 00:32:18,048 Know how much pain and suffering you caused my friend? 482 00:32:18,223 --> 00:32:20,054 - Stay the hell away from my daughter. - Ow. 483 00:32:20,225 --> 00:32:21,920 You stay away from my daughter. 484 00:32:22,094 --> 00:32:24,153 - I don't even know you. - Stop it. 485 00:32:24,329 --> 00:32:26,627 Oh, my God. That is not... What are you grabbing? 486 00:32:29,601 --> 00:32:31,535 - Really? Really? - Come on. 487 00:32:31,703 --> 00:32:34,399 Let go of me! Let go of me! Let go of me! 488 00:32:34,573 --> 00:32:36,837 - Come on, she's my daughter. - Stop it. Stop it. 489 00:32:37,009 --> 00:32:38,033 I'll kill you. 490 00:32:40,379 --> 00:32:41,710 So... 491 00:32:41,913 --> 00:32:44,245 Okay, wait. Which one of you is Lindhagen again? 492 00:32:44,416 --> 00:32:45,508 Hagen. 493 00:32:46,451 --> 00:32:49,011 I'm just gonna write, "Domestic disturbance, all clear." 494 00:32:49,187 --> 00:32:50,347 Thank you, officer. 495 00:32:51,423 --> 00:32:54,620 Just simmer down, okay? We all have arguments. 496 00:32:54,826 --> 00:32:58,523 But if you're gonna fight, just do it inside. Keep it in the family, okay? 497 00:33:00,632 --> 00:33:01,758 I will kill you. 498 00:33:12,744 --> 00:33:13,768 Let's go. 499 00:33:13,945 --> 00:33:15,071 - Daddy? - Now. 500 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:17,414 - Daddy? - Now. 501 00:33:49,648 --> 00:33:50,808 Cal. 502 00:33:51,016 --> 00:33:52,176 Come on. 503 00:33:52,684 --> 00:33:53,708 Honey. 504 00:33:56,455 --> 00:33:59,891 This guy is a lowlife, he is a womanizer. 505 00:34:00,058 --> 00:34:02,822 - That's ironic. - Excuse me? 506 00:34:06,898 --> 00:34:09,628 I know him. I have witnessed him in action. 507 00:34:09,801 --> 00:34:13,760 - And you are not to see him anymore. - Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him. 508 00:34:13,939 --> 00:34:17,102 Okay. Okay. Well, then we have nothing more to talk about. 509 00:34:20,779 --> 00:34:22,679 - You're being unreasonable. - Get out of my house. 510 00:34:22,848 --> 00:34:24,145 This is not your house anymore. 511 00:34:24,316 --> 00:34:27,080 Well, you made damn sure of that, didn't you, sweetheart? 512 00:34:41,366 --> 00:34:43,630 - Bye, Nanna. - Bye, cutie. 513 00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,404 She's all yours, David. 514 00:34:57,883 --> 00:35:01,250 - Fantastic. - Nice. 515 00:35:09,561 --> 00:35:11,461 Go big or go home, right, bud? 516 00:35:13,565 --> 00:35:14,964 Go home, Dad. 517 00:36:12,123 --> 00:36:14,114 - Did you see the headline today? - What? 518 00:36:14,292 --> 00:36:17,056 It says that you should call your dad. 519 00:36:17,229 --> 00:36:19,561 No, it says, "Let's move on child obesity." Ha, ha. 520 00:36:19,731 --> 00:36:21,392 No, it doesn't. 521 00:36:21,566 --> 00:36:24,558 - I'm not gonna call him. - No, it says you really should. 522 00:37:03,241 --> 00:37:05,266 Can I get you another? 523 00:37:06,344 --> 00:37:08,437 - What time is it? - 2:30. 524 00:37:09,514 --> 00:37:11,072 In the afternoon. 525 00:37:11,583 --> 00:37:13,551 "Two-thirty" would have been sufficient... 526 00:37:13,718 --> 00:37:17,381 ...but thank you for the judgmental tone, cocktail servant. 527 00:37:18,189 --> 00:37:19,213 I'm sorry... 528 00:37:21,326 --> 00:37:23,419 Sorry for being a dick. 529 00:37:26,164 --> 00:37:27,722 Nice sweat suit. 530 00:37:32,337 --> 00:37:33,361 What do you want? 531 00:37:34,806 --> 00:37:37,400 - Uh, can I sit down? - I don't know, can you? 532 00:37:38,243 --> 00:37:41,838 Are we gonna be adults about this, or we gonna...? 533 00:37:42,013 --> 00:37:44,174 "Are we gonna be adults about this?" 534 00:37:52,724 --> 00:37:56,751 - It would mean a lot to me if we could talk. - Are you still seeing my daughter? 535 00:37:59,030 --> 00:38:02,227 - Yes. - Then I have nothing to say to you. 536 00:38:03,335 --> 00:38:04,927 Been hanging out here a lot? 537 00:38:05,370 --> 00:38:06,769 Sometimes. 538 00:38:09,407 --> 00:38:12,399 - You been missing a lot of work? - I have a lot of vacation days. 539 00:38:12,577 --> 00:38:14,841 You know what? You have a lot of nerve. 540 00:38:25,991 --> 00:38:27,288 Do you wanna do your shot? 541 00:38:27,459 --> 00:38:30,519 She probably spit in it, so, no, thank you. 542 00:38:33,865 --> 00:38:35,264 Your kids miss you, Cal. 543 00:38:35,433 --> 00:38:38,095 You're hanging out with my kids? That's great. 544 00:38:38,269 --> 00:38:40,703 Teach Robbie how to objectify women. He'll love that. 545 00:38:44,409 --> 00:38:48,470 You know it's his eighth-grade graduation next week. 546 00:38:49,214 --> 00:38:50,476 You gonna go to that? 547 00:38:50,682 --> 00:38:51,910 Of course I'm going. 548 00:38:52,083 --> 00:38:56,213 I just didn't know. You haven't really been around. I don't think he knows either. 549 00:38:56,388 --> 00:38:59,380 I haven't been around for him? That's what you're telling me? 550 00:38:59,557 --> 00:39:01,616 You know, he's not my biggest fan right now. 551 00:39:01,793 --> 00:39:04,523 - He thinks I stole his soul mate. - He worships you, Cal. 552 00:39:04,696 --> 00:39:07,995 - Is the parental advice over? Because if so... - I'm in love with her. 553 00:39:10,635 --> 00:39:11,932 I love her. 554 00:39:13,738 --> 00:39:16,605 I don't know what I was doing before this. 555 00:39:16,775 --> 00:39:21,838 And I don't know what to do about it. It's not something I can really stop. 556 00:39:22,347 --> 00:39:24,144 - Yeah? - Yeah. 557 00:39:24,315 --> 00:39:26,044 - You love her? You love Hannah? - Yes. 558 00:39:26,217 --> 00:39:29,744 Tell me about it. Tell me how much you love her. 559 00:39:30,188 --> 00:39:31,246 I'm just... 560 00:39:32,257 --> 00:39:34,919 Look, Cal, it's not something that I wanted, okay? 561 00:39:35,093 --> 00:39:36,958 I looked at people who were in love... 562 00:39:37,128 --> 00:39:39,528 ...and I thought the way that they were behaving... 563 00:39:39,698 --> 00:39:42,098 ...and the things that they were doing and saying... 564 00:39:42,267 --> 00:39:44,531 ...they appeared pathetic, honestly. 565 00:39:44,736 --> 00:39:48,228 And I spent all this time with you, I'm trying to make you more like me... 566 00:39:48,406 --> 00:39:50,840 ...and it turns out I just wanna be... 567 00:39:55,814 --> 00:39:57,145 I need that drink. 568 00:39:57,315 --> 00:39:59,579 You gonna make me do this? I gotta really do this? 569 00:40:04,789 --> 00:40:07,781 I had Hannah when I was 17. 570 00:40:08,393 --> 00:40:10,793 I taught her how to ride a bike. 571 00:40:12,197 --> 00:40:14,631 I taught her how to drive a car. 572 00:40:15,133 --> 00:40:17,795 And I'm glad for you. 573 00:40:17,969 --> 00:40:21,928 I'm happy for you, that you've changed. 574 00:40:22,340 --> 00:40:27,107 I think it's fantastic that you're a better man. 575 00:40:28,379 --> 00:40:30,404 But I've seen too much already. 576 00:40:30,582 --> 00:40:35,076 - No. I know. I know too much. - I know. I know. 577 00:40:36,721 --> 00:40:38,188 And it's Hannah. 578 00:40:38,523 --> 00:40:40,491 And she's too good for you. 579 00:40:41,226 --> 00:40:42,557 I agree. 580 00:40:46,631 --> 00:40:49,191 I'm never gonna give you my approval. 581 00:40:59,144 --> 00:41:01,237 You're a good dad, Cal. 582 00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:16,954 Yep. Yep. 583 00:41:17,128 --> 00:41:19,688 She spit. She spit in that. 584 00:41:19,964 --> 00:41:21,761 Guys, I need you to pay attention. 585 00:41:21,933 --> 00:41:26,233 Do not cut the line. I need everyone to stay in your positions, okay? 586 00:41:26,404 --> 00:41:30,738 Guys, check your ties. Make sure everything is nice and neat. 587 00:41:30,909 --> 00:41:32,604 Ladies, when you're on stage... 588 00:41:42,787 --> 00:41:44,345 Mommy, look. Robbie's name. 589 00:42:05,944 --> 00:42:07,878 Excuse me. Is this open? 590 00:42:23,895 --> 00:42:25,624 - How close? - Yeah, that's fine. 591 00:42:33,471 --> 00:42:34,995 Good afternoon. 592 00:42:35,173 --> 00:42:38,267 Welcome, parents, family and friends. 593 00:42:38,676 --> 00:42:42,635 We're so pleased to have you here to celebrate this graduating class. 594 00:42:43,481 --> 00:42:47,611 And now, to introduce our first student speaker... 595 00:42:47,785 --> 00:42:51,551 ...our very own Kate Tafferty. 596 00:42:54,626 --> 00:42:56,423 - She's pretty. - Ugh. 597 00:42:59,364 --> 00:43:04,165 Our first speaker is not only the class salutatorian... 598 00:43:04,502 --> 00:43:07,596 ...but is also... 599 00:43:09,107 --> 00:43:12,474 ...one of the most spirited young men... 600 00:43:12,644 --> 00:43:15,374 ...I've ever had the pleasure of teaching. 601 00:43:15,546 --> 00:43:19,243 Ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Weaver. 602 00:43:21,886 --> 00:43:23,012 - Whoo! - Robbie! 603 00:43:31,863 --> 00:43:34,263 Welcome, class of 2011. 604 00:43:35,133 --> 00:43:38,534 Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end. 605 00:43:38,703 --> 00:43:41,331 We can't fight it anymore. We're getting old. 606 00:43:47,645 --> 00:43:51,206 All my life I wanted to grow up. 607 00:43:51,683 --> 00:43:56,052 I wanted to grow older so people would take me seriously. 608 00:43:56,721 --> 00:44:00,179 It all sounded so good to me. 609 00:44:00,558 --> 00:44:04,995 Growing up, getting a job, getting married. 610 00:44:05,697 --> 00:44:07,062 But... 611 00:44:08,032 --> 00:44:09,431 ...it's all a scam. 612 00:44:10,368 --> 00:44:11,699 And love? 613 00:44:13,071 --> 00:44:14,595 That's the biggest scam of all. 614 00:44:17,175 --> 00:44:19,200 I was in love. 615 00:44:19,877 --> 00:44:24,246 And I know that makes some of you laugh because I'm only 13... 616 00:44:25,416 --> 00:44:28,146 ...but whatever. I was. 617 00:44:29,821 --> 00:44:33,188 And I used to think, and really believe... 618 00:44:34,425 --> 00:44:37,223 ...that there was one true love for everyone... 619 00:44:37,729 --> 00:44:41,221 ...and if you fought hard enough for that person... 620 00:44:41,399 --> 00:44:43,390 ...your one true love would always work out. 621 00:44:44,435 --> 00:44:49,338 It sounded good to me when I was younger, but it just doesn't work that way. 622 00:44:51,042 --> 00:44:55,240 - There is no such thing as one true love... - Stop. 623 00:44:59,417 --> 00:45:01,885 Shit. 624 00:45:02,053 --> 00:45:04,817 - Oh, boy. - Okay. 625 00:45:04,989 --> 00:45:07,321 All right. Ahem. Excuse me. 626 00:45:20,204 --> 00:45:23,401 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 627 00:45:23,941 --> 00:45:26,501 - What are you doing? - What are you doing? 628 00:45:27,011 --> 00:45:29,104 I was wrong, Dad. There's no such thing as... 629 00:45:31,382 --> 00:45:32,644 I, uh... 630 00:45:33,351 --> 00:45:34,477 Um... 631 00:45:40,024 --> 00:45:43,858 Oh. Well, here's the thing: 632 00:45:44,028 --> 00:45:46,622 My son's graduation speech sucks. 633 00:45:48,132 --> 00:45:49,156 That's not a joke. 634 00:45:50,268 --> 00:45:53,829 In fairness, I didn't know where he was going with that. 635 00:45:54,005 --> 00:45:55,666 But I think we can all agree... 636 00:45:55,840 --> 00:46:01,437 ...it was headed in a kind of depressing, um, way. 637 00:46:03,314 --> 00:46:06,511 My son... Not him, my actual son. 638 00:46:06,684 --> 00:46:09,209 Believes in grand romantic gestures. 639 00:46:09,420 --> 00:46:12,856 He believes in the existence... 640 00:46:13,024 --> 00:46:15,322 ...of one's soul mate. 641 00:46:16,694 --> 00:46:19,925 And it's easy to just look at a 13-year-old and say: 642 00:46:20,098 --> 00:46:24,296 "You don't know what you're talking about. You are wrong." 643 00:46:24,469 --> 00:46:26,767 But I'm not so sure. 644 00:46:30,808 --> 00:46:33,936 I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old. 645 00:46:34,512 --> 00:46:36,480 We went out for ice cream. 646 00:46:36,647 --> 00:46:41,346 After, my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do. 647 00:46:41,519 --> 00:46:44,386 And I told him, "Dad, it's no big deal. 648 00:46:44,555 --> 00:46:49,925 I'm gonna be going out with a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates." 649 00:46:50,094 --> 00:46:53,586 And that is the first time that I ever lied to my father. 650 00:46:57,001 --> 00:46:59,663 I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old... 651 00:46:59,837 --> 00:47:04,604 ...and I have loved her every minute of every day... 652 00:47:05,176 --> 00:47:09,010 ...since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. 653 00:47:10,681 --> 00:47:15,448 I have loved her through the birth of my three perfect children. 654 00:47:16,587 --> 00:47:18,885 I have loved her even when I've hated her. 655 00:47:20,758 --> 00:47:22,885 Only married couples will understand that one. 656 00:47:28,432 --> 00:47:30,297 And I don't know if it's gonna work out. 657 00:47:32,303 --> 00:47:34,328 I don't know what's gonna happen. 658 00:47:36,374 --> 00:47:39,343 I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't give you that. 659 00:47:40,278 --> 00:47:42,678 But I can promise you this: 660 00:47:43,114 --> 00:47:45,173 I will never stop trying. 661 00:47:46,551 --> 00:47:49,679 Because when you find the one... 662 00:47:50,154 --> 00:47:51,678 ...you never give up. 663 00:47:57,428 --> 00:47:59,328 Do you have anything you'd like to say? 664 00:48:01,165 --> 00:48:02,860 I still love you, Jessica. 665 00:48:06,070 --> 00:48:07,537 And I love you, Emily. 666 00:48:09,607 --> 00:48:12,838 I loved you ever since you first changed my sister's diaper. 667 00:48:13,010 --> 00:48:16,946 I loved you when you came into my bedroom and I was under the covers... 668 00:48:17,114 --> 00:48:18,945 - Stop him. - No, no. 669 00:48:19,116 --> 00:48:21,414 - What's he talking about? - I'm not ashamed of it. 670 00:48:21,586 --> 00:48:23,611 Okay, we're good, we're good. 671 00:48:32,663 --> 00:48:35,928 Oh, there's your mom. Let's go say hi. 672 00:48:36,267 --> 00:48:37,427 Hey. 673 00:48:37,602 --> 00:48:40,036 Oh, I'm so proud of you. 674 00:48:40,204 --> 00:48:42,365 There she is. My perfect girl. 675 00:48:42,540 --> 00:48:44,064 Hi. 676 00:48:48,946 --> 00:48:50,470 Okay. 677 00:48:51,616 --> 00:48:53,049 So I bought a firearm... 678 00:48:54,552 --> 00:48:55,849 ...from a shady Internet site... 679 00:48:56,020 --> 00:48:58,113 ...and I am prepared to shoot you with it. 680 00:49:00,324 --> 00:49:01,916 Come here. 681 00:49:08,332 --> 00:49:09,629 Take care of her. 682 00:49:14,639 --> 00:49:16,573 This is gonna be fun. 683 00:49:16,741 --> 00:49:18,800 This is gonna be fun. 684 00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:24,513 I'm gonna talk to my friends. 685 00:49:24,682 --> 00:49:28,516 Go hang with the other high schoolers. Go ahead, see if I care. I don't care. 686 00:50:03,154 --> 00:50:05,486 I'm really glad you came. 687 00:50:05,656 --> 00:50:07,146 So am I. 688 00:50:08,526 --> 00:50:10,824 You were a really good babysitter, Jessica. 689 00:50:12,630 --> 00:50:14,723 I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. 690 00:50:16,033 --> 00:50:18,365 - I thought you weren't giving up. - I'm not. 691 00:50:18,536 --> 00:50:19,969 But I just figure... 692 00:50:20,171 --> 00:50:21,638 ...you like my dad... 693 00:50:21,806 --> 00:50:23,899 ...and in a few years I'll look like him. 694 00:50:24,075 --> 00:50:25,235 I'll come for you then. 695 00:50:26,077 --> 00:50:27,544 That's not a bad plan. 696 00:50:28,012 --> 00:50:29,070 But... 697 00:50:29,814 --> 00:50:31,907 Well, until then... 698 00:50:32,083 --> 00:50:36,213 ...just a little graduation gift to get you through high school. 699 00:50:37,221 --> 00:50:38,711 Thanks. 700 00:50:47,198 --> 00:50:48,256 So... 701 00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:51,893 Can you...? 702 00:50:52,069 --> 00:50:54,094 - Why...? - Take care, Robbie. 703 00:51:20,030 --> 00:51:22,294 Holy crap. 704 00:51:31,275 --> 00:51:34,938 - He looks pretty happy. - Yeah. 705 00:51:35,746 --> 00:51:37,680 - God, I hate that haircut, though. - Ick. 706 00:51:37,848 --> 00:51:41,045 - I know. He looks like a sheepdog. - Mm-hm. 707 00:51:46,157 --> 00:51:50,321 Oh, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes! 708 00:51:55,166 --> 00:51:57,157 It's been a really hard year. 709 00:51:58,769 --> 00:51:59,827 How so? 710 00:52:05,142 --> 00:52:07,702 Yeah, there were a couple little blips, I guess. 711 00:52:07,878 --> 00:52:10,870 - I know. - I guess I just, you know... 712 00:52:11,582 --> 00:52:14,881 Really what I want to say... 713 00:52:17,221 --> 00:52:20,156 ...is that I'm so glad you bought me that ice cream. 714 00:52:22,927 --> 00:52:25,191 Me too.