1 00:00:02,586 --> 00:00:04,713 ( "Ain't too Proud to Beg" by the Temptations plays ) 2 00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:10,302 I know you wanna leave me, but I refuse to let you go ♪ 3 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:14,264 If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy ♪ 4 00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:18,185 I don't mind, 'cause you mean that much to me ♪ 5 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:22,523 Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darlin' ♪ 6 00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:25,734 Please don't leave me girl, don't you go ♪ 7 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:31,156 Now I heard a cryin' man is half a man ♪ 8 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,951 With no sense of pride... ♪ 9 00:00:33,993 --> 00:00:36,244 ( crickets chirping ) 10 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:40,207 ( elevated train passing in distance ) 11 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,337 Ain't to proud to beg, sweet darlin' ♪ 12 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,172 MAN: Show me that little dance y'all be doing. 13 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,048 Now, I done told y'all to stop running in here. 14 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,634 Yes, ma'am. 15 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,636 I'm going to smack one of you now, you hear? 16 00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,095 Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear? 17 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,681 See that chocolate cake I bought? 18 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,558 You mean, the chocolate cake that was on the counter? 19 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,059 Yeah. Where is it? 20 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,644 Well, check Cousin Cecil's pockets. 21 00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:02,479 He probably got it in there with the turkey leg 22 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:03,480 and the sweet potato pie. 23 00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:04,481 No. Uh-huh. 24 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:05,691 ( both laugh ) 25 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,319 Hey, little brother. 26 00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:11,446 Show me that little dance y'all be doing. 27 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,991 Oooh-wheee! 28 00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:17,411 Get down, Lester, you is talking! 29 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:19,705 You move like you're 21. 30 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,122 That dance ain't new. 31 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:23,417 It ain't nothing but the old shuffle-butt. 32 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:25,084 Well, show me that move. 33 00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:26,921 Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down. 34 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:29,548 Can't you see the kids are trying to put a show on there? 35 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,676 Lester, she ain't your mama. 36 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:37,264 Yeah. Yeah. Junior! 37 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,810 Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa. 38 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:44,605 Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma. 39 00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,941 That's my granddaughter. That's my niece. 40 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:52,780 Ooh-why, ooh-why, ooh-why ♪ 41 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,699 Why do fools fall in love? ♪ 42 00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:59,244 Why do birds sing so gay? ♪ 43 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,872 And lovers await the break of day ♪ 44 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:06,126 Why do they fall in love? ♪ 45 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:09,630 Why does the rain fall from up above? ♪ 46 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:12,340 Why do fools fall in love? ♪ 47 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:15,176 Why do they fall in love? ♪ 48 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,720 ( indistinct cheering, applause ) 49 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,056 Come on over here. 50 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,728 Mama, I got a joke. 51 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:27,481 Shh. Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie. 52 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:30,109 MAN: Eddie. Eddie. 53 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,652 I got a joke to tell. 54 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:34,863 Once there was a lion and a monkey. 55 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,907 And the monkey said, "I can make the weather change." 56 00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:38,492 The lion said, "No, you can't." 57 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:43,204 So the monkey started climbing up the tree. 58 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:46,083 And then he started peeing on the lion's head. 59 00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:49,336 "Now it's raining!" 60 00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:51,713 Then he started farting. 61 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:55,926 ( blows raspberry ) 62 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:04,225 "Now there's thunder!" Then he started doo-dooing. 63 00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:08,105 ( makes straining noise ) 64 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,115 "Now it's snowing!" 65 00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,741 So the lion said, "Oh, yeah? 66 00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:22,577 Well, I can make the stars come out." 67 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:25,330 And then he kicked him in the ding-ding. 68 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,378 Thank you. 69 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:38,552 I love that doo-doo line. That boy's got talent. 70 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,145 ( elevated train rumbling ) 71 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:55,194 ( wild applause and cheers ) 72 00:03:55,235 --> 00:04:00,365 ( upbeat dance theme playing ) 73 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,745 Raw ♪ 74 00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:09,208 Raw ♪ 75 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,353 My favorite movie is Trading Places. 76 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,147 48 Hrs. Has to be. 77 00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:33,356 ALL: Trading Places. 78 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,482 Beverly Hills Cop. 79 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:35,692 Delirious. 80 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:36,985 All of them. Beverly Hills Cop. 81 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,486 No, 48 Hrs. All of them. 82 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:39,738 Beverly Hills Cop. 48 Hrs. 83 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,406 All of them. 48 Hrs. 84 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,450 I even liked Best Defense. 85 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,122 Raw ♪ 86 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:05,264 ( woman squealing ) 87 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:12,896 Raw ♪ 88 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:20,361 Raw ♪ 89 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,788 I'm looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit. 90 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,790 I'm telling you, that behind and all. 91 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:32,874 Yeah, he's looking sexy. 92 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,168 He looks good. Handsome. 93 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,342 Raw ♪ 94 00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:53,603 Raw ♪ 95 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:10,204 Raw, raw, raw, raw, raw, raw ♪ 96 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:16,001 ( upbeat dance theme fades ) 97 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,587 ( cheering ) 98 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,661 Thank you. 99 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:55,207 Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out. 100 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:59,294 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 101 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,420 And hello, New York City! 102 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,678 Thank you for coming out to the show. 103 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,805 Don't let the lights and cameras throw y'all. 104 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,307 We filming a movie here tonight 105 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,268 and y'all going to be in this shit. 106 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,899 Except only I'm getting paid for the motherfucker. 107 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,860 Every now and then I take a joke too far, I get in trouble. 108 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,280 That's why I haven't been on the road the last three years. 109 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:27,322 'Cause I did a lot-- 110 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:28,823 Did y'all see Delirious? 111 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,784 ( cheers ) 112 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:32,369 In Delirious, I was making fun 113 00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:33,870 out of a lot of entertainers too. 114 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,205 That's when I got scared. 115 00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:36,623 'Cause I did some jokes about Mr. T. 116 00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:38,875 And Mr. T was going to fuck Ed up. He was-- 117 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,961 And I was scared, 'cause y'all seen Mr. T. 118 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:43,546 He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight. 119 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,840 He looks like he can whip some ass, right? 120 00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,092 And I was petrified. 121 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,885 I would walk at parties and people say, 122 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,512 "Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you." 123 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:54,057 He was walking up to people saying, 124 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,851 ( imitates Mr. T ): "I'm going to whip Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him." 125 00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,853 Then I watched his show, 'cause I didn't know him, 126 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:01,189 I watched the show to see what kind of guy he was, 127 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,066 and the character on the show ain't too bright. 128 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,859 So I figured if he came up to me, 129 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,694 I could use the Jedi mind trick on him. 130 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,489 Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard you did some jokes about me." 131 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,658 "No, you didn't." "Maybe I didn't." 132 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:18,081 "I'm going to go beat up the fool that told me them lies." 133 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,708 I was scared. I'd be at parties, hear he was looking for me, 134 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,710 I would just leave. I don't wanna fight Mr. T. 135 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,379 Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. 136 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:25,964 And I was like... 137 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,966 Yo, when Mike-- My manager called me up and said, 138 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:32,012 "Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad." I was like, "So?" 139 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:37,976 You know, 'cause I'd fuck Mike up. You know, Mike-- 140 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,895 Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know. 141 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,397 I bust that ass on Mike. 142 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:44,441 I was looking for him, but my manager said, 143 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,276 "We don't know everything about Michael Jackson. 144 00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:47,402 "He might be this bad motherfucker 145 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:49,029 "behind closed doors. 146 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,405 "He's a recluse. You know, behind closed doors, 147 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,407 "he might be completely different." 148 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,951 And I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day 149 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,577 and it'd be like this. 150 00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:01,249 ( high-pitched voice ): "Can I talk to you for a minute? 151 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:04,211 "Yeah, what's your motherfucking problem, man? 152 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,505 "Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh? 153 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:07,672 "What's all the motherfucking jokes? 154 00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:08,965 "You don't like my clothes? 155 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,467 "What's your motherfucking problem? 156 00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:11,968 "I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, 157 00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,220 "I will bust your ass. 158 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:14,804 "Get the fuck out, motherfucker... 159 00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,474 "I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker. 160 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:20,810 "You mind your motherfucking business. 161 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:22,354 "I hear some more shit, 162 00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:24,189 "I'm going to put this glove up your ass. 163 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,815 I'll see you later." 164 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,444 That's a dumb-- I could never-- 165 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,779 I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk 166 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,698 and I can't do the shit. It's shitty. 167 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,700 It's the dumbest dance ever, 'cause I can't do it, 168 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,411 that's why I say it's stupid. 169 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:40,121 But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? 170 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,290 Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby, come on, let's dance. 171 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:43,750 See you later." 172 00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:45,835 Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid shit. 173 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:46,961 Michael can do that shit, though. 174 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,505 Michael's so famous, 175 00:09:48,547 --> 00:09:50,298 Michael went on television and everything he says, 176 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,508 the public believes. 177 00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:53,260 Went on television and said, 178 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,262 "I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs." 179 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,097 And the public believed it. 180 00:09:57,138 --> 00:10:00,016 I know brothers were like, "Get the fuck out of here." 181 00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:01,851 And white people was going, 182 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:04,771 ( uptight voice ): "That Michael's a special kind of guy. 183 00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:09,109 "He's special. I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome." 184 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:11,027 You know how I knew y'all believed it? 185 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,946 Y'all didn't get mad when he took Brooke Shields 186 00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,697 to the Grammys. 187 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,325 Nobody white said shit. 188 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:20,661 And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America. 189 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,497 That's Miss America every year is Brooke. 190 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,249 Fuck who you see with the crown. 191 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,251 You look up "white woman" in the dictionary, 192 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,753 be a picture of Brooke like this... 193 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,338 She's white. 194 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,965 And this nigga took her to the Grammys, 195 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,258 nobody said shit. 196 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,968 If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys, 197 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,636 y'all would lose your mind. 198 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,807 'Cause y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night. 199 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,820 And Brooke knew too. 200 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:56,323 That's why we going this year. No... 201 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,952 Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about-- 202 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,746 I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago 203 00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:05,790 and faggots were mad. They were like-- 204 00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,708 And they were-- 205 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,794 There's nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you. 206 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,463 I'd be at parties-- 207 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,340 There's always two or three homosexuals at a party. 208 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,882 They'd be standing around looking at you, 209 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,675 they'd be looking at... 210 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,977 ( fey voice ): "He's an asshole." 211 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,314 I can't travel the country freely no more. 212 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,690 I can't go to San Francisco. 213 00:11:31,732 --> 00:11:35,278 They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport. 214 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,531 Soon as I got off the plane, they'd be like, 215 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:41,868 ( lisping ): "He's here, yes. Yes, it's him. Yes, it's him!" 216 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,911 And the cars would come rushing across town. It'd be: 217 00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,246 ( makes siren noise ) 218 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,873 And it won't be no siren, 219 00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:48,875 it'll be a real fag sitting on the roof going, 220 00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:50,377 "Whoo-whoo-whoo. 221 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:55,089 "Whooooooooooow. 222 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:58,510 "Pull over. Pull over. 223 00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,679 "Pull over. I'm going to read him his rights. 224 00:12:00,719 --> 00:12:02,305 "You have the right to remain silent. 225 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,307 "Anything you say can and will be held against you 226 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:05,559 "in the court of law. 227 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,018 "You have the right to an attorney. 228 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,769 "Now turn around. I'm going to frisk you. 229 00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:10,438 "Are you carrying any concealed weapons? 230 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,941 "Are you carrying--? What is this? What is this? 231 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,363 "Lay down on the floor and spread them. 232 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,656 Whoo!" 233 00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,292 Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show? 234 00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:32,793 CROWD: Yeah! 235 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,671 I do too. I love Bill Cosby's show. 236 00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,673 I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life. 237 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:37,924 Never met the man before, 238 00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,758 but he called me up about a year ago 239 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,637 and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage. 240 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,431 It was real weird, 'cause I had never met him 241 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,973 and he just thought it was-- 242 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:48,059 He should call me up, 'cause he was Bill, 243 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,811 and tell me that he did-- About what comedy is all about. 244 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,189 And I sat and listened to this man chastise me. 245 00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,774 And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown. 246 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,818 You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit. 247 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,280 And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill 248 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,490 and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me. 249 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,534 I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?" And you hear... 250 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:08,037 ( imitates Bill Cosby ): "I would like to talk to you... 251 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:14,377 "about some of the things 252 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:18,172 "that you do in your show. 253 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,807 Now, I'm going to tell you a story." 254 00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,351 He always tells you stories. 255 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:32,604 "I would like to tell you a story. 256 00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:37,609 "I have five children. 257 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:41,862 "One, two, three, four, five. Five-- Five children. 258 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:45,700 "I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, 259 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,868 "and my five children. 260 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:52,540 "Now... of the five children that we have, 261 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,375 "there are four girls and a boy. 262 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,504 "The boy's name is Ennis. He loves everything you do. 263 00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:59,339 "Comes home from school the other day 264 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,717 "with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me. 265 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,218 "He walks through the door, 266 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,221 "looking at me with this big smile, 267 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:10,391 "and I cannot resist, 268 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,727 "because it's such a beautiful smile. 269 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:17,231 "And he walks up and I say, 'What are you smiling about?' 270 00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,401 "And the child says to me, 271 00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,612 'I'm smiling because I need money 272 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,698 'to go see the Eddie Murphy show. 273 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,783 Please give me money for a ticket.' 274 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:30,662 "Now, if the child is smiling this way 275 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:33,581 "because he needs money for a ticket, 276 00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:36,584 "I have to give him money for a ticket. 277 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,919 "I do not handle the money in the house. 278 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,922 "My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money. 279 00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:44,258 "So I must go into the kitchen, 280 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,554 "to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family. 281 00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:50,139 "And she is inside the kitchen cooking. 282 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:52,016 "And she's got a bowl. 283 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,561 "And she's cooking up the food, man. She's cooking it up. 284 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:58,773 "And the child walks in the room with the smile 285 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,525 "and he says, 'Mother, please, money.' 286 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,611 "She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show. 287 00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:08,324 "Now, we sit in the living room 288 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:11,952 "waiting for Ennis to return. 289 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,247 "At about 5:00 in the morning, 290 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,457 "the child comes through the door. 291 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,544 "He has a different look on his face. 292 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,129 "A look like he heard something at your show 293 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,964 "that he's never heard before. 294 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:28,469 "And I say to my child, I say, 'Child...' 295 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:31,765 "I say, 'What did the man say on the stage?' 296 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,433 "And he says, 'Pop, the man comes out 297 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,642 and says these things.' 298 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,436 "I say, 'Well, what did he say'' 299 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,396 "He says 'Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.' 300 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,148 "I say, 'What did he do?' 'Pop, he walks out and he goes, 301 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,317 "Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff. 302 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,361 "And suck it and stick it down in your mouth 303 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,488 and suck it, suck it.'" 304 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:59,834 "You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn, 305 00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:01,878 filth in front of people." 306 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,506 And I say, "I never said no 'filth, flarn, filth'." 307 00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:07,174 He says "You know what I'm talking about. 308 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:09,510 "I can't use the type of language that you use, 309 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,262 "but you know what I mean 310 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,723 when I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'." 311 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,850 I say, "I never said no 'filth, flarn, filth'. 312 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,685 "I don't know what you're talking about. 313 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:20,354 I'm offended that you called. Fuck you." 314 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,064 That's when Bill got pissed and said, 315 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,817 "That's what I'm talking about. 316 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:28,988 "You cannot say 'fuck'... 317 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,744 ...in front of people." 318 00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:37,079 And I got mad. 319 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:39,165 'Cause he thought that was my whole act. 320 00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:42,376 Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. 321 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,712 I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. 322 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,674 You couldn't give no curse show. Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum, 323 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:50,551 "motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. 324 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:53,805 Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye." 325 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,473 I was pissed off. 326 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,475 I was so mad I called Richard Pryor's house up. 327 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,268 I said, "Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up 328 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,395 and told me I was too dirty." Richard said, 329 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,397 ( imitates Richard Pryor ): "The next time motherfucker call, 330 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,358 "tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.' 331 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,534 "'Cause I don't give a fuck. 332 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,537 Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit." 333 00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:19,914 He said, "Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" 334 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:21,332 I said, "Yes." "Do you get paid?" 335 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,416 I said, "Yes." 336 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,084 He said, "Well, tell Bill I said, 337 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:26,629 'Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.' 338 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,261 The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker." 339 00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,597 Richard-- Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business. 340 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,140 Richard's the one that made me wanna do comedy. 341 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:39,684 When I was little, 342 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,520 I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to-- 343 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,105 Remember, you'd sneak in the basement, put his albums on, 344 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:47,107 and just listen, and your mother ain't supposed to hear, 345 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,276 and you're listening to this shit and I turned it-- 346 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,695 I wanted to be Richard so bad, 347 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,780 I used to go out on-stage when I was 15 348 00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:55,366 and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard Pryor. 349 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,284 My mother would sit there and watch 350 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,662 her 15-year-old son on-stage saying some outlandish shit. 351 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:01,748 My whole act back then was about taking a shit, 352 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,958 because that's all I had done at 15. 353 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,418 That was my life experience, 354 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,961 but it sounded like Richard Pryor jokes. 355 00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:08,796 I'd be going, "You ever, like, sometime, right, 356 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,464 "you get on that toilet 357 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:14,134 "and when you shit, that water splash up on your ass? 358 00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,469 "Don't that make you mad, right? 359 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,096 "You know what really make me mad? 360 00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,015 "It's when shit come halfway out your ass, 361 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:22,476 "then go back up in that motherfucker. 362 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:26,647 "Right? Why do shit be teasing your ass, right? 363 00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:28,858 "Just get the fuck out, right? 364 00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,443 "You know what really bother me 365 00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:32,653 "is when you be straining for a long time, right? 366 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,489 "And one little pebble shit come out. 367 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:38,200 "Right? Be some shit this big, right? 368 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:40,202 "Wanna push your head up your asshole, say, 369 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:43,915 'That's all the shit I'm going to get, motherfucker'' 370 00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,499 "You know what really make me mad, 371 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,293 "when your ass don't cooperate with you 372 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,296 "and clench up and break the shit in half. 373 00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:52,006 "You be mad as a motherfucker too, 374 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,883 "'cause you know you got to wipe your ass 375 00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:57,177 "for, like, five hours and shit, right? 376 00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,807 "Use 12 rolls of toilet paper on that motherfucker. 377 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:02,516 "You know what really make me mad, 378 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,351 "though, is afterwards, right? Is after you shit 379 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,145 "you done all the shitting you going to do 380 00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:07,605 "for the whole day, right? 381 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,607 "You finish shitting and you flush the toilet 382 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,152 "and wait a second and one chunk come back. 383 00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,615 What does that chunk want?" 384 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,659 That was my act. My mother sit there shocked. 385 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,995 If you don't speak English, you can't hear that bit. 386 00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,704 All you hear is "shit, ass, shit, shit." 387 00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:25,706 See, I got a lot of foreigners that come over. 388 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:28,292 I got a lot of people from other countries have seen my films 389 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,710 and come over to the U.S., 390 00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,170 'cause New York is a tourist place, 391 00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:33,089 and they get HBO and they catch Delirious 392 00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:35,341 and they can't speak English and try to do my act on the street 393 00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:37,135 and all they got is the curses. 394 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,720 I got foreigners from all over the world walking up, going, 395 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:42,264 ( foreign accent ): "Eddie Murphy! Fuck you! 396 00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:50,690 "Fuck you, Eddie. 397 00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:53,317 "I know you. 398 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,695 "I see you on television. 399 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:58,031 "You're the 'fuck you' man, right? 400 00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,908 "I love it. Suck my dick, huh? 401 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:06,831 "Suck it, you black motherfucker. 402 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:10,417 "I love it. The best motherfucker. 403 00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,795 The 'fuck you' man." 404 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:16,340 Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year. 405 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,758 ( crowd murmuring ) 406 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,426 Don't you "ooh" and "aah." 407 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,888 Got to get married in the '80s. Now, I read the papers. 408 00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,597 I said, "Fuck this, I'm getting out." 409 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:26,308 Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit. 410 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,103 You can't just keep messing around like you used to. 411 00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:32,272 Eventually, your dick will fall off. 412 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:34,775 Remember--? Remember, like, VD in the '60s? 413 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,194 That shit don't just sting no more. 414 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,820 Every time they cure something, 415 00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:41,365 it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now. 416 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:42,867 They got dudes in the doctor's office 417 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,869 with symptoms like, "Excuse me, doc, um... 418 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:48,247 "what does it mean when you go to the bathroom and, um... 419 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:50,416 fire shoot out your dick?" 420 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:56,714 "Let me get this right. 421 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,674 "So you're getting a burning sensation 422 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:01,260 when you urinate?" 423 00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:05,223 "No, fire shoot out my dick, is all. 424 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,059 "A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee. 425 00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:10,310 "I can't even pee in the house, I burn my house down. 426 00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:11,812 "I gotta go outside to pee. 427 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:13,606 "I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me, 428 00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,357 "I turned around and burned him up on the street. 429 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:17,359 "That's what I'm trying to say. 430 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,612 'Cause my dick is a blowtorch, is what I'm trying to say." 431 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,906 Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays 432 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:24,200 is like playing Russian roulette. 433 00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:27,661 And I know I've thrown my dick on the crap table many a night. 434 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:32,250 Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time you do it. 435 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,001 You gambling with your dick, saying, 436 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:36,378 "Come on, need a woman with a mind. I need a perfect person. 437 00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:38,005 "Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. 438 00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:39,215 "Give it to me, now! 439 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:40,841 "Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch. 440 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,635 "No, give my dick back. No. 441 00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,678 "I'm going to keep rolling. I got one more roll in me. 442 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,306 "I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind, 443 00:21:47,347 --> 00:21:49,850 "intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now! 444 00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:52,270 "Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back. 445 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,063 "Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet. 446 00:21:54,105 --> 00:21:56,065 "I'm going to keep rolling. This is my last roll. 447 00:21:56,107 --> 00:21:58,276 "This is the last one. This is the one for me. 448 00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,069 "Miss Right. Hey, blow on this for luck please. 449 00:22:00,111 --> 00:22:02,029 "This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go. 450 00:22:02,071 --> 00:22:04,865 "Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out. 451 00:22:04,907 --> 00:22:08,702 My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined." 452 00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:10,955 So be careful. Get married. 453 00:22:10,997 --> 00:22:12,873 I went out and found the perfect woman. 454 00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:16,252 Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. 455 00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:17,795 Nobody ever fucked her. 456 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,839 And had an ass like this... 457 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,590 Pow! 458 00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:24,384 And her legs are like, blam! Her titties are like, pow! 459 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,762 She was so fine. She's one of the people that's so fine, 460 00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:28,681 when you see them, they make you ugly. 461 00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:30,933 You be like, "Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?" 462 00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:33,144 She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off. 463 00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:34,812 I said, "That's it, I'm getting married. 464 00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,605 This is it. Going to be me and her." 465 00:22:36,647 --> 00:22:39,357 I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping. 466 00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:42,278 And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine 467 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,779 while I was waiting on the line 468 00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:45,739 and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. 469 00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:47,283 There was a picture of him like this... 470 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:50,995 Then I said, "What's up with Johnny?" 471 00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,830 I turned to the inside story 472 00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:55,541 and his wife was on the other page and she was like this... 473 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:02,548 And over her head it said, 474 00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:05,009 "Johnny's wife wants half Johnny's money." 475 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:07,136 I turned that shit back to Johnny. 476 00:23:10,014 --> 00:23:13,267 Then I started thinking about it. Half. 477 00:23:15,061 --> 00:23:16,896 If you-- If you have five dollars 478 00:23:16,937 --> 00:23:20,566 and have to give somebody $2.50, you'd be upset. 479 00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:23,986 Johnny had to have at least 300 million. 480 00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:27,198 And have to give up $150 million? 481 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,367 And they wasn't even married but ten years. 482 00:23:29,407 --> 00:23:31,744 And $150 million? Get-- 483 00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:35,206 Give me a fucking break. What--? What--? 484 00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:38,376 And ladies-- Now, here's a woman right here saying, "Right on." 485 00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:40,169 Baby, that's not fair. Not no 150 million. 486 00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:42,046 I see a lot of you ladies going, 487 00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:43,797 "Get all the money you can, shit. 488 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,175 "I'm glad she did get all that money. 489 00:23:46,217 --> 00:23:49,095 "She earned it. She earned it. That-- You damn right. 490 00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:51,305 She was married to him, she deserved that money." 491 00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:53,974 Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. 492 00:23:54,016 --> 00:23:56,434 No. Stop it. 493 00:23:56,476 --> 00:23:58,520 ( applause ) 494 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:02,608 No, don't get me wrong. 495 00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:05,611 If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything 496 00:24:05,652 --> 00:24:08,739 and you build 300 million together, you deserve half. 497 00:24:08,781 --> 00:24:11,951 But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. 498 00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:13,786 And I'm quite sure she knew. 499 00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:17,873 Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny." 500 00:24:17,915 --> 00:24:20,334 She was like, "I know who you are, motherfucker." 501 00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,336 And they got married, broke up, shit didn't work out. 502 00:24:22,378 --> 00:24:24,546 And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. 503 00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:26,090 And don't get me wrong ladies. 504 00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,050 I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going, 505 00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:29,843 "You can't put a price on what I do." 506 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,512 But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, 507 00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:34,056 you ain't no regular housewife. 508 00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:35,891 You ain't got to clean the house no more. 509 00:24:35,933 --> 00:24:38,394 You get a maid. You ain't cleaning shit! 510 00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:40,062 You marry a man with $300 million, 511 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,605 you ain't cooking no more. You're eating out. 512 00:24:41,647 --> 00:24:43,565 You marry a man with $300 million. 513 00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:45,359 You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side 514 00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:47,111 to help make ends meet? 515 00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:49,989 He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. 516 00:24:52,616 --> 00:24:54,118 What you going to do, 517 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,412 get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? 518 00:24:56,454 --> 00:25:01,499 And say, "Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest. 519 00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:06,088 "Now we have $300 million and $70. 520 00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:09,549 Because I want to do my share." No. 521 00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:12,261 All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, 522 00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,180 is fuck your husband. 523 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:15,806 That's it! That's your job. 524 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,433 Fuck your husband! That's it. 525 00:25:17,475 --> 00:25:19,768 That's-- Just fuck your husband. 526 00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:21,979 You fill out a W-2, they say, "What you do?" 527 00:25:22,021 --> 00:25:24,773 You say, "I fuck my husband." That's it. 528 00:25:29,028 --> 00:25:30,737 And I've had my share of pussy. 529 00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:34,283 I have yet-- Even if the pussy was great 530 00:25:34,325 --> 00:25:36,743 and sparks shot out the woman's ass 531 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,497 and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled 532 00:25:39,537 --> 00:25:40,956 and the seas roared, 533 00:25:40,998 --> 00:25:44,084 no pussy is worth $150 million! 534 00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:48,255 No pussy. 535 00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:54,761 I'd like to meet some pussy like that. 536 00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:58,391 Put the shit on layaway. 537 00:25:58,432 --> 00:26:01,643 That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified. 538 00:26:01,685 --> 00:26:03,770 Man, you know what's real scary 539 00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:05,314 is that American women in the '80s 540 00:26:05,356 --> 00:26:06,815 have become very business-conscious. 541 00:26:06,857 --> 00:26:08,401 Y'all the most resourceful 542 00:26:08,442 --> 00:26:10,194 and the most business-smart women on the planet. 543 00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:13,113 Now, in the '80s. 544 00:26:13,155 --> 00:26:16,075 And it would be an asset to us, as American men, 545 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:17,951 if you weren't so vindictive. 546 00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:19,995 'Cause the two don't match. 547 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:22,456 Then, what's really fucked up, is y'all the most loving people. 548 00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:24,208 American women are all off into this romance 549 00:26:24,250 --> 00:26:26,793 and want to be romantic and they genuinely fall in love with you. 550 00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:29,463 Now, love and money do not mix. 551 00:26:29,505 --> 00:26:30,964 The shit don't mix. 552 00:26:31,006 --> 00:26:33,300 Especially if you got a business-smart woman-- 553 00:26:33,342 --> 00:26:35,844 You go up and say, "I never met anybody like you before." 554 00:26:35,886 --> 00:26:38,431 "I never met anyone like you." "Why don't we be together." 555 00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:40,349 "Will you marry me?" "I thought you'd never ask." 556 00:26:40,391 --> 00:26:42,184 "Before we get married, why don't you sign 557 00:26:42,226 --> 00:26:43,685 this prenuptial agreement." 558 00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:49,400 "What do you mean, sign a prenuptial agreement?" 559 00:26:49,442 --> 00:26:51,860 "That's a contract that stipulates if we ever break up, 560 00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:54,863 you take what you had and I take what I had." 561 00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,829 "First of all, I don't give a fuck who you are 562 00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:04,164 "and what you have, okay? 563 00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:05,665 "You got a lot of motherfucking nerve 564 00:27:05,707 --> 00:27:07,293 by asking me to sign a contract. 565 00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:08,752 "There's nothing a man can do for me 566 00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:10,129 "that I can't do for myself. 567 00:27:10,170 --> 00:27:11,964 "You got a whole lot of... I love you. 568 00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:14,425 "Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you? 569 00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:16,135 "If I need something, I can go to my family. 570 00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:17,844 My family takes care of me." 571 00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:20,806 And men hear all that shit and we be like this, "Okay. 572 00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:24,851 We don't need no contract." 573 00:27:24,893 --> 00:27:27,521 And you don't get a contract and get married without one, 574 00:27:27,563 --> 00:27:30,190 and the shit don't work out and you break up a year later. 575 00:27:30,232 --> 00:27:33,402 She's sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad, 576 00:27:33,444 --> 00:27:36,029 trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass. 577 00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:38,574 "I can't believe that motherfucker did this to me! 578 00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:40,367 "After all the shit I did-- 579 00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:43,036 "All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me? 580 00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:44,871 "Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass! 581 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,957 "I don't give a shit about either one of them. 582 00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,376 "I don't want shit from him or her and I don't care. 583 00:27:49,418 --> 00:27:53,713 "You know something? You know what I should--? You know--? 584 00:27:55,007 --> 00:27:57,384 "Half! 585 00:27:57,426 --> 00:28:00,053 I'll take half his shit!" 586 00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:01,972 And they'll get it. 587 00:28:02,014 --> 00:28:06,185 They'll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony, 588 00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:08,020 child support and your children. 589 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,273 You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this... 590 00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:15,277 So be careful! 591 00:28:15,319 --> 00:28:17,070 I started having nightmares. 592 00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:19,781 I was waking up in the middle of the night like this... 593 00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:21,367 "Half!" 594 00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,580 'Cause I'm into American women. I like American women. 595 00:28:26,622 --> 00:28:28,832 I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend. 596 00:28:28,874 --> 00:28:30,250 And Japanese women 597 00:28:30,292 --> 00:28:32,002 are the most docile women on the planet. 598 00:28:32,044 --> 00:28:33,420 They're real-- They're real timid, 599 00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:35,088 timid, timid, timid women. 600 00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:37,132 I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl, 601 00:28:37,174 --> 00:28:38,967 bowed to me when I walked in. 602 00:28:39,009 --> 00:28:41,554 I said, "What's wrong with your wife's back and shit?" 603 00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:43,472 He said, "That's a Japanese thing. They always bow." 604 00:28:43,514 --> 00:28:45,891 And I was like, "Oh, shit. Miss, did you decorate the house?" 605 00:28:45,932 --> 00:28:47,560 She looked at her husband, he did like this... 606 00:28:47,601 --> 00:28:49,478 "You may speak." And she spoke. 607 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,439 And I was like, "Now, that's pussy control for you, there." 608 00:28:55,234 --> 00:28:57,528 You know, 'cause I'm used to American women saying, 609 00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:59,572 "You don't own me." 610 00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,114 "Hey, baby, where you going?" 611 00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:03,075 ( clucks tongue ) 612 00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,083 "Excuse me?" 613 00:29:11,124 --> 00:29:12,792 "I said, where you going?" 614 00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:14,753 "You don't own me." 615 00:29:14,794 --> 00:29:16,255 "You my woman, ain't you?" 616 00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,299 "I don't see no rings on these fingers. 617 00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:21,051 Are you going to put a ring on this finger?" 618 00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:22,469 "Well, I..." 619 00:29:22,511 --> 00:29:24,346 "Then you don't own me then, okay? 620 00:29:24,388 --> 00:29:26,557 "I don't give a fuck who you are or what you have, okay? 621 00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:29,351 "You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I'm going. 622 00:29:29,393 --> 00:29:32,145 "I don't answer to my father, I ain't going to answer to no man. 623 00:29:32,187 --> 00:29:34,022 "Ain't no man going to tell me where I can go. 624 00:29:34,064 --> 00:29:35,774 "Who do you think you are? 625 00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:38,151 "To come and ask me where I'm going? Nobody owns me. 626 00:29:38,193 --> 00:29:41,530 I own myself. I am my own person." 627 00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:44,908 And we hear all that shit, then be, "Okay. 628 00:29:46,535 --> 00:29:47,745 Well, where you going to be?" 629 00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:51,582 "I'm going to be where I'm at! 630 00:29:51,624 --> 00:29:53,709 You don't own me!" 631 00:29:53,751 --> 00:29:55,377 Well, you don't. You don't own your woman. 632 00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:56,920 "You going to put a ring on my finger?" 633 00:29:56,962 --> 00:29:58,297 That shuts you right up. 634 00:29:58,338 --> 00:29:59,923 You say, "Okay." 'Cause you don't. 635 00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:02,008 I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman. 636 00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:05,178 And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream 637 00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:06,513 and the candy and the flowers 638 00:30:06,555 --> 00:30:07,973 and the anklets and the bracelets 639 00:30:08,014 --> 00:30:09,475 and help her get some clothes. 640 00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,268 You spending all your money on shit 641 00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:13,729 you ain't never spent it on. But you don't own her. 642 00:30:13,771 --> 00:30:16,982 'Cause theoretically, that pussy's on lease. 643 00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:22,529 You're leasing the pussy. With an option to buy. 644 00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:33,666 But be careful, 'cause you lose half on the trade-in. 645 00:30:33,707 --> 00:30:35,041 You got to be careful. 646 00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:36,876 You gotta have a J-O-B in the '80s. 647 00:30:36,918 --> 00:30:39,588 You gotta have some money, you can't get no pussy. 648 00:30:39,630 --> 00:30:41,298 Listen to the radio. That's what it's about. 649 00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:42,841 Listen to Madonna. 650 00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:44,551 "I'm a material girl in a material world, 651 00:30:44,593 --> 00:30:47,095 you ain't got no money, you can't have no pussy." 652 00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:49,431 Basically what it is. There's a song out now called 653 00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:52,100 "Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me." 654 00:30:53,893 --> 00:30:55,228 And the lyrics go, 655 00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:57,189 "Ain't nothing going on but the rent." 656 00:30:57,230 --> 00:30:59,858 Like if you went up and said, "Hey, baby, what's going on?" 657 00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:02,027 "The rent, motherfucker." 658 00:31:02,068 --> 00:31:03,779 "Do you have a job?" "Well, I..." 659 00:31:03,821 --> 00:31:07,449 "Then get the fuck out my face." 660 00:31:07,491 --> 00:31:08,992 Got to have some money. 661 00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:10,619 It says, "No romance without finance." 662 00:31:10,661 --> 00:31:12,496 And women love them songs. They be going, 663 00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:17,793 Got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me ♪ 664 00:31:17,835 --> 00:31:19,252 Janet Jackson got a hit record... 665 00:31:19,294 --> 00:31:21,672 "What Have You Done For Me Lately." 666 00:31:21,714 --> 00:31:22,922 That's what they be thinking, is, 667 00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:24,424 "What have you done for me lately?" 668 00:31:24,466 --> 00:31:25,925 The record start off like that. 669 00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:27,761 "I know he used to do shit for you, 670 00:31:27,803 --> 00:31:30,764 but what has he done for you lately?" 671 00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:32,098 "Baby, I love you." 672 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:35,435 "What have you done for me lately?" 673 00:31:35,477 --> 00:31:37,270 "You the only thing on my mind." 674 00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:39,815 "What have you done for me lately?" 675 00:31:39,857 --> 00:31:41,149 "We make good love." 676 00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:43,943 "What have you done for me lately?!" 677 00:31:43,985 --> 00:31:46,655 Got to have some money to get some pussy in the '80s. 678 00:31:46,697 --> 00:31:49,616 It's fucked up, that's why I say, hey, I'm a target. 679 00:31:49,658 --> 00:31:53,912 If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa 680 00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:59,084 and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch... 681 00:31:59,125 --> 00:32:00,960 that knows nothing about money. 682 00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:03,547 She got to be butt naked on a zebra 683 00:32:03,589 --> 00:32:07,509 with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip 684 00:32:07,551 --> 00:32:09,803 and a big, fucked-up Afro! 685 00:32:09,845 --> 00:32:12,180 Her Afro-- Afro gotta-- 686 00:32:12,222 --> 00:32:13,640 Like, Angela Davis see it and go, 687 00:32:13,682 --> 00:32:15,934 "Goddamn, that's some fucked-up shit." 688 00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:17,436 Afro gotta be fucked up 689 00:32:17,477 --> 00:32:19,646 and one of them picks with a fist in the back. 690 00:32:19,688 --> 00:32:22,148 And she gotta be butt naked, 'cause if she got some clothes, 691 00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,276 she going to have to put something in the pockets. 692 00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:25,903 She's gotta be butt naked on the zebra. 693 00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:27,362 And y'all think it's a joke. 694 00:32:27,404 --> 00:32:28,697 I'm going to walk up and say, 695 00:32:28,739 --> 00:32:30,156 "Hey, how you doing? My name's--" 696 00:32:30,198 --> 00:32:31,491 And she go... ( speaks gibberish ) 697 00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:33,285 I say, "Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy." 698 00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:34,828 And I'm going to bring her home. 699 00:32:34,870 --> 00:32:36,622 Y'all going to go past a newsstand one day 700 00:32:36,663 --> 00:32:38,206 and see me on the cover of JET 701 00:32:38,248 --> 00:32:40,250 with some woman with a big bone and a plate 702 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:42,001 and a big, fucked-up Afro, butt naked, 703 00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:44,170 and y'all going to say, "Eddie must be visiting Africa." 704 00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:46,506 It'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush Bitch." I'm going to be like... 705 00:32:49,092 --> 00:32:50,803 What? 706 00:32:51,887 --> 00:32:53,722 What? 707 00:32:53,764 --> 00:32:55,891 'Cause I ain't getting caught. 708 00:32:55,933 --> 00:32:58,477 I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that. 709 00:32:58,518 --> 00:33:01,313 And I'm going to bring her home and lock her up in the house. 710 00:33:01,354 --> 00:33:03,607 You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman, 711 00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:06,192 you can't let her mingle with American women. 712 00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,403 'Cause they'll change her shit up. 713 00:33:08,445 --> 00:33:10,906 American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see 714 00:33:10,948 --> 00:33:13,533 is you got some trained bush bitch in your house. 715 00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:15,577 They will catch her by herself in the kitchen 716 00:33:15,619 --> 00:33:17,537 and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program. 717 00:33:17,579 --> 00:33:19,372 Soon as they get her alone, they be like, 718 00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,124 "I can't stand the way you be 719 00:33:21,166 --> 00:33:23,168 "doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being. 720 00:33:23,209 --> 00:33:25,044 "This house is too big for one person to clean. 721 00:33:25,086 --> 00:33:26,672 "Why don't you leave? 722 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:29,007 "You always crying. Just leave him. You know something? 723 00:33:29,048 --> 00:33:32,552 "Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that? 724 00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,429 "He didn't tell you you were entitled to half? 725 00:33:34,471 --> 00:33:36,014 "He only told you half the story then, girl. 726 00:33:36,055 --> 00:33:37,599 "You can take half the money, 727 00:33:37,641 --> 00:33:39,309 "the car, the house, the children, all the money. 728 00:33:39,351 --> 00:33:41,311 "You can buy all the zebras and bones you want. 729 00:33:41,353 --> 00:33:43,730 "Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right. 730 00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:45,440 "Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. 731 00:33:45,482 --> 00:33:47,025 "Who the hell he think he is? 732 00:33:47,066 --> 00:33:48,861 "Let me tell you something else about Eddie Murphy. 733 00:33:48,902 --> 00:33:50,069 "That motherfucker ain't nothing but-- 734 00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:53,031 "Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing? 735 00:33:53,072 --> 00:33:55,492 "Oh, I didn't know you was here. You scared me. 736 00:33:55,534 --> 00:33:58,077 "No, I can't stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu 737 00:33:58,119 --> 00:33:59,997 "about a couple of things. 738 00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:01,915 "No, no, no, I got to go. I got to-- 739 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,291 "You two-- Y'all two lovebirds talk. 740 00:34:03,333 --> 00:34:05,084 "Eddie, talk to your-- Talk to Uhmfufu. 741 00:34:05,126 --> 00:34:07,170 "Y'all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie. 742 00:34:07,212 --> 00:34:08,588 Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..." 743 00:34:08,630 --> 00:34:10,924 ( mouths ) 744 00:34:10,966 --> 00:34:12,551 And leave me in the kitchen 745 00:34:12,592 --> 00:34:15,012 with some bush bitch 746 00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,763 with an attitude. 747 00:34:18,974 --> 00:34:22,060 ( African accent ): "Eddie! 748 00:34:22,101 --> 00:34:24,646 "Eddie! 749 00:34:24,688 --> 00:34:26,481 "I want to talk to you!" 750 00:34:30,819 --> 00:34:32,320 "What's your problem, baby?" 751 00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:35,281 "I don't like the way you treat me, Eddie. 752 00:34:35,323 --> 00:34:37,784 You treat me like animal." 753 00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:44,583 "You was butt naked on a zebra last month." 754 00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:46,793 "I don't care, Eddie. I am American woman now. 755 00:34:46,835 --> 00:34:49,337 "I want what's coming to me. 756 00:34:49,379 --> 00:34:53,174 Eddie, what have you done for me lately?" 757 00:35:02,225 --> 00:35:04,770 "I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?" 758 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,064 "Half! 759 00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:11,777 "Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man. 760 00:35:13,904 --> 00:35:17,490 "Suck my dick, Eddie. 761 00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:21,160 You motherfucker." 762 00:35:21,202 --> 00:35:22,913 Then I'd be on the front page 763 00:35:22,955 --> 00:35:24,372 of the African Enquirer like this... 764 00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:29,836 So be careful. Don't get caught in a trap. 765 00:35:29,878 --> 00:35:32,380 Any woman can get any man she wants 766 00:35:32,422 --> 00:35:35,592 if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you. 767 00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:37,094 They have figured us out. 768 00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:38,929 We're very easy creatures to figure out. 769 00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:40,555 And women know all they have to do 770 00:35:40,597 --> 00:35:43,016 is cater to our egos enough and they can have you. 771 00:35:43,058 --> 00:35:44,851 Guys, how many times have you fucked 772 00:35:44,893 --> 00:35:47,020 some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around 773 00:35:47,062 --> 00:35:48,480 and you had to fuck her? 774 00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:49,898 And then afterwards you be like this, 775 00:35:49,940 --> 00:35:51,858 "I can't believe I fucked this bitch." 776 00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:53,610 They just cater to your ego. 777 00:35:53,652 --> 00:35:55,361 Sometimes you'll see a real ugly bitch 778 00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:57,530 with a handsome dude. You say, "How that happen?" 779 00:35:57,572 --> 00:35:59,282 Dude's going, "Yeah, how that happen?" 780 00:35:59,324 --> 00:36:02,869 'Cause she catered to his ego. They can figure us out. 781 00:36:02,911 --> 00:36:05,204 Guys, don't get trapped. We'll call them "pussy traps." 782 00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:06,790 Let's call them pussy traps. 783 00:36:06,832 --> 00:36:08,708 It's a trap. They trap you with the pussy. 784 00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:11,169 They catch you with the pussy, see. And it's a trap. 785 00:36:11,210 --> 00:36:13,505 The most common trap is to not give you any, though. 786 00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:15,674 Don't think, "Maybe you're going to put a trap on." 787 00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:17,592 The most common is when you ain't getting any at all, 788 00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:19,177 that's the trap. 789 00:36:19,218 --> 00:36:21,220 When you meet a woman and everything is perfect 790 00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:23,306 and she won't do anything, it's a trap. 791 00:36:23,348 --> 00:36:24,975 Sometimes it backfires, 792 00:36:25,017 --> 00:36:26,893 'cause a lot of women play these games with sex. 793 00:36:26,935 --> 00:36:29,021 And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, 794 00:36:29,062 --> 00:36:30,396 but they act like they don't. 795 00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:32,816 But they do. There's not a woman... 796 00:36:32,858 --> 00:36:35,234 There's not a woman in this room right now that wouldn't rather 797 00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:37,696 be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them. 798 00:36:37,737 --> 00:36:39,698 Don't you let them fool you. 799 00:36:41,491 --> 00:36:43,242 They like it just as much as us. 800 00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:45,120 See, ladies sitting there going, 801 00:36:45,162 --> 00:36:47,747 "That's true. 802 00:36:47,789 --> 00:36:50,583 "He's funny, but he's not that funny. 803 00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:53,586 I'll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will." 804 00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:56,255 They like it just as much as us, but they play these games. 805 00:36:56,297 --> 00:36:57,883 Know where it backfires on you, ladies? 806 00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:00,135 When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him, 807 00:37:00,177 --> 00:37:01,970 you like each other, everything is perfect, 808 00:37:02,012 --> 00:37:04,263 but you won't do anything. He say, "Baby, let's go." 809 00:37:04,305 --> 00:37:06,474 You say, "No, I'm not going to do it." 810 00:37:06,516 --> 00:37:08,518 And after that, he don't like you no more. 811 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:10,478 But he still wants to fuck you. 812 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:14,482 So he waits. He be like, "Okay, I'll wait. 813 00:37:14,524 --> 00:37:17,110 Goodnight." And you wait. 814 00:37:17,152 --> 00:37:19,112 You wait three months. 815 00:37:19,154 --> 00:37:21,698 Then you finally get it and she's like this, "I'm yours." 816 00:37:21,740 --> 00:37:23,867 And you go, "Fuck you, bitch! 817 00:37:26,411 --> 00:37:29,581 Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face." 818 00:37:31,750 --> 00:37:33,292 Be careful. Don't get trapped. 819 00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:35,921 I told you the most common trap is to not give you any. 820 00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,923 Let me hear the men clap that are with women 821 00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:39,298 that you've never slept with before. 822 00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:42,219 Let me hear you clap, truthfully. 823 00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:44,179 Look at the ladies going, "Stop clapping." 824 00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:46,806 Shame on you. You should've fucked them. Clap. Clap louder. 825 00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:48,725 Shame on you. Y'all should've fucked them. 826 00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,602 These men like you and you just won't do it, 827 00:37:50,643 --> 00:37:51,978 'cause you're trying to trap... 828 00:37:52,020 --> 00:37:53,688 Guys, don't be hurt. She likes you. 829 00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:56,566 This is what is going on inside your house every night. 830 00:37:56,608 --> 00:37:57,901 "Baby, come on, now, please." 831 00:37:57,943 --> 00:37:59,736 She go, "No, stop it. Stop it. Stop." 832 00:37:59,778 --> 00:38:01,529 "Baby, come on, please. Would you stop--? 833 00:38:01,571 --> 00:38:03,907 "Oh, stop. Can we please stop? Are we going to go too far?" 834 00:38:03,949 --> 00:38:06,118 "I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby." 835 00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,579 "We could-- Stop. I just don't think the time is right." 836 00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:14,333 "Well, my dick don't get much harder than this. 837 00:38:16,878 --> 00:38:18,964 I been waiting for three months. What's the problem?" 838 00:38:19,005 --> 00:38:20,840 "I don't wanna fuck. I wanna make love. 839 00:38:20,882 --> 00:38:22,884 "I've had too many relationships that didn't work out. 840 00:38:22,926 --> 00:38:24,510 "And you're very special to me. 841 00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:26,721 "I know all the girls do everything that you want. 842 00:38:26,763 --> 00:38:28,974 And I don't wanna go through... ( babbling indistinctly ) 843 00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:30,349 Why are you doing this?" 844 00:38:30,391 --> 00:38:35,772 And men see those tears and we be, "Okay. 845 00:38:35,814 --> 00:38:38,066 We don't have to do nothing." 846 00:38:38,108 --> 00:38:40,110 Then you go out and your friends be, 847 00:38:40,152 --> 00:38:41,444 "Yo, man, you fuck her yet?" 848 00:38:41,486 --> 00:38:42,988 "No." 849 00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:47,700 "Why not?" "She's special. 850 00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:50,578 She said she don't wanna fuck, she wanna make love." 851 00:38:50,620 --> 00:38:52,122 Which is bullshit. 852 00:38:52,164 --> 00:38:53,706 I mean, fucking and making love, let's be real. 853 00:38:53,748 --> 00:38:55,208 I mean, the physical act... 854 00:38:55,250 --> 00:38:57,585 I like to fuck somebody I'm in love with. 855 00:38:57,627 --> 00:39:01,173 But I ain't making love to nobody. I get into bed-- 856 00:39:01,214 --> 00:39:03,758 I get into bed... ( chuckles ) 857 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,844 I get into bed... 858 00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:08,138 When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say, 859 00:39:08,180 --> 00:39:09,430 "Oh, make love to me" 860 00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:11,599 or grab the back of your head and say, 861 00:39:11,641 --> 00:39:13,518 "Fuck the shit out of me. 862 00:39:16,646 --> 00:39:18,648 You motherfucker"? 863 00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:22,027 "Just fuck, mother-- Fuck me, goddamn it." 864 00:39:22,068 --> 00:39:24,237 You want somebody in the bed with you, 865 00:39:24,279 --> 00:39:26,572 ( uptight voice ): "Oh, darling, I want to make love to you." 866 00:39:26,614 --> 00:39:27,991 That type of shit. 867 00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:33,746 Ah... 868 00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:35,790 ( forceful voice ) "You a motherfucker..." 869 00:39:35,832 --> 00:39:38,251 ( mumbling indistinctly ) 870 00:39:38,293 --> 00:39:40,128 I'm a realist. But they'll tell you, 871 00:39:40,170 --> 00:39:41,754 "I don't wanna fuck, I wanna make love." 872 00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:43,173 And they make you wait. 873 00:39:43,215 --> 00:39:44,924 And you wait and wait and wait and wait. 874 00:39:44,966 --> 00:39:46,467 And you just keep on waiting, 875 00:39:46,509 --> 00:39:50,096 you just wait and finally she gives you some. 876 00:39:50,138 --> 00:39:53,016 And it's the best you ever had in your life. 877 00:39:53,058 --> 00:39:55,685 You come harder than you've ever came. 878 00:39:55,727 --> 00:39:58,688 "This was it. This was the feeling I've been searching for. 879 00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:00,148 I finally made love." 880 00:40:00,190 --> 00:40:01,440 You didn't make love. 881 00:40:01,482 --> 00:40:03,235 It just felt real good. You know why? 882 00:40:03,276 --> 00:40:05,945 'Cause you waited five months for it. 883 00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:11,617 If you're starving and somebody throw you a cracker... 884 00:40:11,659 --> 00:40:13,536 ...you going to be like this... 885 00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:17,040 "Goddamn, that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life! 886 00:40:17,082 --> 00:40:18,875 "That ain't no regular cracker, was it? 887 00:40:18,917 --> 00:40:21,211 "What was that, a Saltine? Goddamn, that was delicious. 888 00:40:21,253 --> 00:40:22,670 "That wasn't no Saltine. That was... 889 00:40:22,712 --> 00:40:24,797 "That was a Ritz. That wasn't a Ritz? 890 00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:27,592 "God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life. 891 00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:30,303 Can I have another one, please? Please, one more." 892 00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:33,472 Then you get married, 'cause you think you've found the bomb. 893 00:40:33,514 --> 00:40:37,018 Have the same crackers every day for a year. 894 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:39,145 And you roll over one day and be like, 895 00:40:39,187 --> 00:40:42,565 "Hey, I just got some regular old crackers." 896 00:40:44,359 --> 00:40:47,028 Try to leave? Half! 897 00:40:47,070 --> 00:40:48,738 So be careful. 898 00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:50,698 Marry someone that's not going to fool around on you. 899 00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:52,491 Which would be hard to do in the '80s, 900 00:40:52,533 --> 00:40:54,577 'cause everybody's fucking each other nowadays. 901 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:56,621 It's like Fuckfest '87. 902 00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:58,539 Everybody-- Everybody is fucking and it really-- 903 00:40:58,581 --> 00:40:59,665 It's getting bad. 904 00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:01,209 Let me hear the women clap 905 00:41:01,251 --> 00:41:02,961 that are loyal to their men, truthfully. 906 00:41:03,002 --> 00:41:04,629 Let me hear you clap. 907 00:41:04,670 --> 00:41:07,632 ( women clapping ) 908 00:41:07,673 --> 00:41:09,467 Okay, now, let me hear-- 909 00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:11,636 Let me hear the women clap that have men 910 00:41:11,677 --> 00:41:14,180 that are loyal to them, truthfully. 911 00:41:14,222 --> 00:41:17,392 ( women clapping ) 912 00:41:19,311 --> 00:41:20,895 Yeah, I see. 913 00:41:20,937 --> 00:41:24,690 Y'all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now. 914 00:41:24,732 --> 00:41:26,401 Let me hear the men clap. 915 00:41:26,443 --> 00:41:29,612 Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women. 916 00:41:29,654 --> 00:41:32,157 ( men clapping ) 917 00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574 Stop. 918 00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:36,369 You lying motherfuckers, stop. 919 00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:40,290 Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass. 920 00:41:40,332 --> 00:41:42,541 Fuck, there ain't no such thing as a loyal man, 921 00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:44,752 you lying motherfuckers. Stop it. 922 00:41:44,794 --> 00:41:46,879 Yeah, the only reason you're clapping is 'cause your woman's 923 00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:49,174 sitting next to you right now when I asked you. 924 00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:55,138 When I asked the question, she looked at you like this... 925 00:41:59,684 --> 00:42:02,645 "You going to put your hands together? 926 00:42:02,687 --> 00:42:04,189 "You better stomp your feet 927 00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:06,107 "and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it. 928 00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:08,860 Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap." 929 00:42:12,613 --> 00:42:14,866 "She's number one!" 930 00:42:14,907 --> 00:42:17,452 Get the fuck out of here. No such thing as a loyal man. 931 00:42:17,494 --> 00:42:20,288 Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps 932 00:42:20,330 --> 00:42:22,623 and they'll have you believing it. No loyal men. 933 00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:24,250 All men fuck other women. 934 00:42:24,292 --> 00:42:28,421 We are low by nature and have to do it. 935 00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:31,007 We are men. All men do it. 936 00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:34,719 We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. 937 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:38,515 Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get. 938 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,099 Do not think for two seconds 939 00:42:40,141 --> 00:42:42,101 that you are the only one your man is fucking. 940 00:42:42,143 --> 00:42:44,562 He is a man and has to conquer women. 941 00:42:44,603 --> 00:42:46,981 I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going, 942 00:42:47,023 --> 00:42:49,359 "Not my man." Yes, your man too. 943 00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:52,862 Your man too. 944 00:42:52,904 --> 00:42:55,990 If he's not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody. 945 00:42:57,492 --> 00:42:58,951 Because he is a man. 946 00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:00,453 It has nothing to do with you. 947 00:43:00,495 --> 00:43:02,288 You can have the best pussy in the world. 948 00:43:02,330 --> 00:43:06,834 There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it. 949 00:43:06,876 --> 00:43:08,753 Your man's still going to go fuck somebody else, 950 00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:10,338 'cause he is a man. 951 00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:12,715 It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it. 952 00:43:12,757 --> 00:43:15,885 You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men. 953 00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,679 I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too... 954 00:43:18,721 --> 00:43:20,932 "Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man! 955 00:43:23,809 --> 00:43:26,062 ( mouthing words ) 956 00:43:29,648 --> 00:43:32,944 I ain't spent all my money for this, motherfucker!" 957 00:43:32,985 --> 00:43:34,446 You going to be driving home tonight 958 00:43:34,487 --> 00:43:36,030 with your wife in the car like this... 959 00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,407 "You don't really be fooling around 960 00:43:37,449 --> 00:43:39,242 like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?" 961 00:43:50,503 --> 00:43:52,964 "No, baby. That's just jokes. 962 00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:58,136 "That Ed sure is funny, ain't he? 963 00:43:58,177 --> 00:43:59,887 "Why don't we change the subject. 964 00:43:59,929 --> 00:44:01,639 "Let's talk about something completely different. 965 00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,433 I don't wanna talk about this foolin' around stuff." 966 00:44:03,475 --> 00:44:05,310 "I do wanna talk about this foolin' around stuff. 967 00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:06,811 "Why does he have to lie to me? 968 00:44:06,852 --> 00:44:08,563 "I think he was telling the truth. 969 00:44:08,605 --> 00:44:10,523 "If you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, 970 00:44:10,565 --> 00:44:12,442 "I would wait until you went to sleep, 971 00:44:12,484 --> 00:44:14,944 I would come inside the room and kill you." 972 00:44:14,986 --> 00:44:19,198 MAN: Thanks, Eddie! WOMAN: We love you! 973 00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:21,534 "Yeah, that Ed sure is funny. 974 00:44:21,576 --> 00:44:23,161 "I ain't got to worry about getting killed. 975 00:44:23,202 --> 00:44:25,079 "As much as I love you, I wouldn't fool around. 976 00:44:25,121 --> 00:44:26,414 "Why don't we change the subject. 977 00:44:26,456 --> 00:44:27,999 Let's talk about the Richard Pryor." 978 00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:29,959 "I don't wanna talk about the Richard Pryor. 979 00:44:30,001 --> 00:44:32,044 "I wanna talk about this, 'cause if you fooled around, 980 00:44:32,086 --> 00:44:34,213 I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?" 981 00:44:34,255 --> 00:44:36,549 "What would you do, baby, take half?" 982 00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,096 "No, I'd wait till you went to sleep 983 00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:45,183 and I'd come inside the room and cut your dick off." 984 00:44:50,605 --> 00:44:53,650 "Don't be talking about cutting off my dick." 985 00:44:53,732 --> 00:44:56,693 "Well, you don't be putting your dick in nobody else, then." 986 00:44:56,735 --> 00:44:58,904 "Well, I don't play that shit. You cut off my dick, 987 00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:00,948 "you better run, goddamn it. 988 00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:02,867 Stop making them dick threats." 989 00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:04,869 The woman's favorite-- Y'all always make-- 990 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:06,245 That's a woman's favorite threat, is, 991 00:45:06,287 --> 00:45:07,622 "I'll do something to your dick." 992 00:45:07,664 --> 00:45:09,874 "If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. 993 00:45:09,915 --> 00:45:12,251 "A man put his hands-- You put your hands on me, 994 00:45:12,293 --> 00:45:14,086 I'm going to kick you where it hurts." 995 00:45:14,128 --> 00:45:15,838 Always dick threats. Y'all don't realize 996 00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:18,383 how sensitive nuts are, do you? 997 00:45:18,424 --> 00:45:21,093 Men don't like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody... 998 00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:23,680 "I'll kick you in the nuts." It make you wince, be like, 999 00:45:23,720 --> 00:45:26,140 "Ooh, change the subject, please." 1000 00:45:26,182 --> 00:45:28,893 You don't have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody. 1001 00:45:28,934 --> 00:45:31,396 You could just graze nuts... 1002 00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:34,524 ...and the man would be fucked up. 1003 00:45:34,566 --> 00:45:36,275 And that pain is worse, 1004 00:45:36,317 --> 00:45:38,277 'cause it don't set in for, like, ten seconds. 1005 00:45:38,319 --> 00:45:40,446 You be wondering if it's going to hurt. 1006 00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:43,740 You say, "I wonder, did that hit my nuts, just...?" 1007 00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:47,953 ( gasps ) 1008 00:45:47,995 --> 00:45:50,747 There's no getting around it. "I'll kick you in your nuts." 1009 00:45:50,789 --> 00:45:52,749 You don't have to kick. You could just graze it. 1010 00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:54,335 Y'all do that shit when you play-fight. 1011 00:45:54,377 --> 00:45:56,128 You ever have a woman play-fight with you? 1012 00:45:56,170 --> 00:45:58,047 Your man get serious when they threaten your dick. 1013 00:45:58,089 --> 00:45:59,591 You be, "Hey, baby, come on." ( pants ) 1014 00:45:59,632 --> 00:46:02,009 And she go, "Ha, ha." You say, "Hey, hey, hey. 1015 00:46:04,387 --> 00:46:06,598 "I think playtime is over. 1016 00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:08,307 "You're getting a little crazy." 1017 00:46:08,349 --> 00:46:10,435 That's why men don't like to handle little babies. 1018 00:46:10,476 --> 00:46:14,146 Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on 1019 00:46:14,188 --> 00:46:16,815 with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old, 1020 00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:19,151 you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong 1021 00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:21,529 and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet. 1022 00:46:21,571 --> 00:46:23,615 And both of y'all be dribbling. You be like... 1023 00:46:23,656 --> 00:46:25,450 ( mumbles ) 1024 00:46:27,535 --> 00:46:29,495 And their mother think you talking baby talk. 1025 00:46:29,537 --> 00:46:31,997 "Oh, that's so cute, the way they talking." 1026 00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:33,374 And you be... ( mumbles ) 1027 00:46:33,416 --> 00:46:34,626 "Yeah, go to your mother, please." 1028 00:46:34,667 --> 00:46:36,294 "What's the matter, he stink?" 1029 00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:39,004 "No, I'm about to throw this motherfucker someplace. 1030 00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:41,633 "Get a little older, I'm going to kick you in your baby nuts, 1031 00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:43,551 and see how you like it." 1032 00:46:43,593 --> 00:46:45,177 "I kick him in his nuts." 1033 00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:46,596 Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts. 1034 00:46:46,638 --> 00:46:47,888 You know what, ladies? 1035 00:46:47,930 --> 00:46:49,641 I had a woman ask me the other day, 1036 00:46:49,682 --> 00:46:51,016 "You know why I say my thing? 1037 00:46:51,058 --> 00:46:52,644 "I wanna know why all men fool around. 1038 00:46:52,685 --> 00:46:55,146 "Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do 1039 00:46:55,187 --> 00:46:58,691 "and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck. 1040 00:46:58,733 --> 00:47:00,901 I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?" 1041 00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:02,819 Then you call up your girlfriends and go, "Why?" 1042 00:47:02,861 --> 00:47:04,821 She go, "I don't know. My man ain't home." "Why?" 1043 00:47:04,863 --> 00:47:06,823 Then you call up your mother and say, "Mama, why?" 1044 00:47:06,865 --> 00:47:08,409 She go, "I don't know, your father ain't home." 1045 00:47:08,451 --> 00:47:09,868 "Why? Why?" 1046 00:47:09,910 --> 00:47:12,455 I'll tell you why all men fool around. 1047 00:47:12,497 --> 00:47:15,291 WOMEN: Why? Hear the ladies go, "Why?" 1048 00:47:15,333 --> 00:47:17,502 Men fool around because of this. 1049 00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:19,796 And look at all the women in the audience right now 1050 00:47:19,836 --> 00:47:21,255 looking up here like this... 1051 00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,179 We fool around because we figured women out. 1052 00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:29,846 ( angry murmuring ) 1053 00:47:29,888 --> 00:47:31,932 We did. See, a lot of you ladies going, 1054 00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:33,768 "What does he mean, he figured us out?" 1055 00:47:33,810 --> 00:47:35,603 And dumb niggas going, "Yeah, what does he mean, 1056 00:47:35,645 --> 00:47:38,356 we figured them out?" 1057 00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:40,441 We figured you out in this sense, and this is true. 1058 00:47:40,483 --> 00:47:42,234 Anybody's ever done this-- 1059 00:47:42,276 --> 00:47:44,320 Anybody's ever done this will agree with what I'm saying. 1060 00:47:44,362 --> 00:47:46,155 Any woman that's ever had this done to her 1061 00:47:46,197 --> 00:47:47,948 will agree what I'm going to say. 1062 00:47:47,990 --> 00:47:50,117 Those of you who've never done this will go, "I disagree." 1063 00:47:50,159 --> 00:47:54,706 But once you make a woman come real hard, 1064 00:47:54,747 --> 00:47:56,248 once you make a woman say, 1065 00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:58,083 "Oooh." 1066 00:47:58,125 --> 00:48:01,253 No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, 1067 00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:02,755 no matter what you say, 1068 00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:04,965 no matter what you do, as long as you say, 1069 00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:07,760 "I'm sorry," she will listen to your story. 1070 00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,178 And that's the truth. 1071 00:48:09,220 --> 00:48:10,805 That's the God's honest truth. 1072 00:48:10,847 --> 00:48:14,559 It is the truth. Stop it. It's the truth. 1073 00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:16,101 It is the truth. 1074 00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:18,103 And, ladies, as soon as y'all make that noise, 1075 00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:20,773 your relationship will change with your man. 'Cause we know. 1076 00:48:20,815 --> 00:48:22,734 We wait on that noise. We waiting on it. 1077 00:48:22,775 --> 00:48:24,819 'Cause we know we can act different as soon as you go, 1078 00:48:24,861 --> 00:48:26,571 "Oooh." 1079 00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:28,947 We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man 1080 00:48:28,989 --> 00:48:30,449 couldn't make it, he would call? 1081 00:48:30,491 --> 00:48:32,451 No more of that shit. He heard you go, "Oooh." 1082 00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:34,662 Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? 1083 00:48:34,704 --> 00:48:36,288 No more of that. You made that noise. 1084 00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:38,416 Your man can act crazy. We know as soon as you go, 1085 00:48:38,457 --> 00:48:39,751 "Oooh." 1086 00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:41,669 Our face is in the pillow like this, 1087 00:48:41,711 --> 00:48:43,379 "I got this motherfucker now, boy." 1088 00:48:43,421 --> 00:48:44,881 Then you start talking to her... 1089 00:48:44,921 --> 00:48:46,965 "Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?" 1090 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,302 "Oh, it's your pussy! It's your pussy!" 1091 00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:52,263 "Oooh." 1092 00:48:54,432 --> 00:48:56,684 And your relationship changes from that moment. 1093 00:48:56,726 --> 00:48:58,770 The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking... 1094 00:48:58,811 --> 00:49:00,521 "Oh, my God. Oh, I can't believe it. 1095 00:49:00,563 --> 00:49:02,857 I never came like that before. I can't believe it." 1096 00:49:02,899 --> 00:49:05,067 And their man get real cold, saying shit like, 1097 00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:08,362 "Why don't you shake your ass home." 1098 00:49:08,404 --> 00:49:09,655 "What are you talking about? 1099 00:49:09,697 --> 00:49:11,323 "Why are you treating me like this? 1100 00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:12,825 We have a relationship." 1101 00:49:12,867 --> 00:49:14,827 "You don't own me." 1102 00:49:22,877 --> 00:49:25,254 "What do you mean I don't own you? We have a relationship. 1103 00:49:25,296 --> 00:49:27,005 I thought that we go together." 1104 00:49:27,047 --> 00:49:29,341 "I don't see no rings on your finger." 1105 00:49:31,176 --> 00:49:33,178 "But I love you!" 1106 00:49:33,220 --> 00:49:35,598 "Well, what have you done for me lately?" 1107 00:49:42,772 --> 00:49:44,523 And y'all put up with it. 1108 00:49:44,565 --> 00:49:46,943 Y'all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit. 1109 00:49:46,983 --> 00:49:49,320 I guess it's hard to find somebody that knows 1110 00:49:49,361 --> 00:49:51,781 how to do it to you right, 'cause when y'all find one, 1111 00:49:51,823 --> 00:49:54,408 y'all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit. 1112 00:49:54,450 --> 00:49:57,035 I know a man got busted coming out of another woman's house. 1113 00:49:57,077 --> 00:49:59,037 This'll show you how far a woman will stoop. 1114 00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:00,957 He got busted coming out of another woman's house. 1115 00:50:00,997 --> 00:50:02,667 His woman saw him come out, 1116 00:50:02,708 --> 00:50:04,669 knew that the woman lived there and didn't say shit. 1117 00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:06,879 Wait till they got home walked in the kitchen and said, 1118 00:50:06,921 --> 00:50:08,881 "What the hell was you doing in that bitch's house?" 1119 00:50:08,923 --> 00:50:11,216 You know what the man said? "Wasn't me." 1120 00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:17,222 "I looked right in your face!" 1121 00:50:17,264 --> 00:50:19,266 "Wasn't me." 1122 00:50:19,308 --> 00:50:21,143 "Well, I'm supposed to be a fool, right?" 1123 00:50:21,185 --> 00:50:23,103 "Hey. 1124 00:50:23,145 --> 00:50:24,563 Wasn't me." 1125 00:50:26,941 --> 00:50:31,403 You know what the woman said? "Maybe it wasn't you." 1126 00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:34,030 "Oooh." 1127 00:50:34,072 --> 00:50:38,034 I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed, 1128 00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:41,539 where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking! 1129 00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:42,832 His wife walked inside the house, 1130 00:50:42,874 --> 00:50:44,458 opened up the bedroom door, 1131 00:50:44,500 --> 00:50:46,836 saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking. 1132 00:50:46,878 --> 00:50:49,588 She walks in... "Aaaaah!" 1133 00:50:49,630 --> 00:50:51,590 The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there. 1134 00:50:51,632 --> 00:50:53,091 She ran down the hallway. 1135 00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:54,927 Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked 1136 00:50:54,969 --> 00:50:58,138 with a rock-hard dick, talking about, "I'm sorry." 1137 00:50:58,180 --> 00:50:59,557 This sound like a tragedy, right? 1138 00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:00,933 No, it was like this... 1139 00:51:00,975 --> 00:51:02,935 "Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1140 00:51:02,977 --> 00:51:05,145 "Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk. 1141 00:51:05,187 --> 00:51:07,063 "Baby, I am sorry." "No, you're not sorry. 1142 00:51:07,105 --> 00:51:09,608 "I can't believe you did this. You have no respect for me. 1143 00:51:09,650 --> 00:51:11,569 Get the fuck-- Don't you fucking touch me." 1144 00:51:11,610 --> 00:51:13,445 "Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second." 1145 00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:15,781 "No, if you're sorry, you wouldn't have fucked her!" 1146 00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:17,992 And then you change the shit around. Right, guys? 1147 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:20,578 "Okay, wait a minute! 1148 00:51:20,619 --> 00:51:22,747 "Wait one second, goddamn it! 1149 00:51:24,122 --> 00:51:26,000 "Yes, I fucked her, yes. 1150 00:51:26,042 --> 00:51:28,335 "Is that what you want me to say? I fucked her? 1151 00:51:28,377 --> 00:51:29,921 "All right, I fucked her. 1152 00:51:29,962 --> 00:51:32,339 "We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked! 1153 00:51:32,381 --> 00:51:35,634 "Now, let's talk about the word 'fuck' for a minute. 1154 00:51:35,676 --> 00:51:39,304 "'Cause that's a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did. 1155 00:51:39,346 --> 00:51:41,599 "Fuck. I fucked her. 1156 00:51:43,392 --> 00:51:45,978 "I make love to you. 1157 00:51:56,572 --> 00:52:00,993 "And if you going to let a fuck come between our love, 1158 00:52:01,035 --> 00:52:03,412 there's something really wrong happening here, baby." 1159 00:52:06,457 --> 00:52:07,666 Bullshit. 1160 00:52:07,708 --> 00:52:10,002 "Oooh." 1161 00:52:10,044 --> 00:52:11,670 That's the only reason why it works. 1162 00:52:11,712 --> 00:52:14,006 Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all feeling real macho, 1163 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:16,467 'cause you may have heard your woman make that noise 1164 00:52:16,508 --> 00:52:18,510 and you think you are in control of your shit. 1165 00:52:18,552 --> 00:52:21,013 But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive. 1166 00:52:21,055 --> 00:52:22,640 Don't you think for two seconds 1167 00:52:22,681 --> 00:52:24,934 that if you keep breaking this woman's heart, 1168 00:52:24,976 --> 00:52:28,854 your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman, 1169 00:52:28,896 --> 00:52:31,774 she eventually will go out and fuck someone else. 1170 00:52:31,816 --> 00:52:33,859 Don't think she won't. 1171 00:52:33,901 --> 00:52:36,487 Don't think she won't. 1172 00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:39,323 Look, all the men's faces, they're like this now... 1173 00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:46,204 And men don't like to picture their woman fucking nobody. 1174 00:52:46,246 --> 00:52:47,581 That's taboo. Watch the guy's faces. 1175 00:52:47,623 --> 00:52:49,125 Ladies, look at them. 1176 00:52:49,165 --> 00:52:51,627 Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend. 1177 00:52:53,045 --> 00:52:55,881 Look at them, they're... 1178 00:52:58,009 --> 00:52:59,551 Hey, your woman is like this... 1179 00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:00,845 Hmm. 1180 00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,934 I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain't like us. 1181 00:53:06,976 --> 00:53:08,686 It's not their nature to fool around. 1182 00:53:08,727 --> 00:53:11,229 Like, we'll go out and sneak out to the hotel 1183 00:53:11,271 --> 00:53:14,316 and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit. 1184 00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:16,735 Women going to do it classy. They don't fuck around like us. 1185 00:53:16,777 --> 00:53:18,236 It's like, "Hey, I don't do this often, 1186 00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:19,864 I'm going to do it right." 1187 00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:21,573 Know when your woman's going to fool around? 1188 00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:22,908 When you keep messing her over, 1189 00:53:22,950 --> 00:53:24,576 eventually she says shit like this... 1190 00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:26,829 "You know, I think I'm going to go to the Bahamas 1191 00:53:26,871 --> 00:53:28,330 by myself for the weekend." 1192 00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:32,084 And you say, "You want me to go with you?" 1193 00:53:32,126 --> 00:53:34,503 She goes, "No, just me and my girlfriends are going. 1194 00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:38,049 Just me and my friends." 1195 00:53:39,842 --> 00:53:41,301 And we so stupid, 1196 00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:42,970 we start thinking about all the pussy 1197 00:53:43,012 --> 00:53:44,555 we can get while she gone. 1198 00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:48,726 "You going to go by yourself?" "Yes." 1199 00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:50,561 "Okay." 1200 00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:54,272 And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself? 1201 00:53:54,314 --> 00:53:56,025 By herself to the Bahamas? 1202 00:53:56,067 --> 00:53:57,317 She's walking on the beach, 1203 00:53:57,359 --> 00:53:59,111 she laid out all day and got a tan, 1204 00:53:59,153 --> 00:54:01,613 your woman is fine and got her body looking right, 1205 00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:04,075 she's walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas. 1206 00:54:04,116 --> 00:54:05,576 Lovers on the beach making love. 1207 00:54:05,617 --> 00:54:07,619 She's all by herself, walking along, 1208 00:54:07,661 --> 00:54:09,329 feeling sad, thinking about you, 1209 00:54:09,371 --> 00:54:11,707 and everybody's real romantic. The motion of the ocean 1210 00:54:11,749 --> 00:54:13,042 is shimmying off-- 1211 00:54:13,084 --> 00:54:15,419 The moon is shimmying off the ocean. 1212 00:54:15,460 --> 00:54:17,796 Your woman's standing, looking at it and crying. 1213 00:54:17,838 --> 00:54:21,425 And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up. 1214 00:54:24,302 --> 00:54:26,513 Dexter St. Jock. 1215 00:54:27,681 --> 00:54:29,516 He walk up swinging his dick. 1216 00:54:34,939 --> 00:54:37,149 Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman. 1217 00:54:37,191 --> 00:54:39,026 ( Caribbean accent ): "What a beautiful girl like you 1218 00:54:39,068 --> 00:54:42,446 "doing by herself on the island of love? 1219 00:54:42,487 --> 00:54:44,115 "This is the island for lovers. 1220 00:54:44,156 --> 00:54:45,991 "You should be being held right now, girl. 1221 00:54:46,033 --> 00:54:47,367 What you crying about?" 1222 00:54:49,203 --> 00:54:51,205 "I'm having some problems with my boyfriend, 1223 00:54:51,247 --> 00:54:53,415 so I came down here to think it over." 1224 00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:55,000 "Tell me what hotel your man's staying. 1225 00:54:55,042 --> 00:54:56,501 "Let me go tell him 1226 00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:58,378 "that you treat a woman like you like a princess. 1227 00:54:58,420 --> 00:55:00,839 "If you were my woman, I make love to you constantly. 1228 00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:04,468 What hotel this man staying in?" 1229 00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:07,221 "Well, he's back in New York." 1230 00:55:07,263 --> 00:55:08,513 ( sobs ) 1231 00:55:08,555 --> 00:55:11,058 "Is that right? 1232 00:55:15,771 --> 00:55:18,440 "Well, listen, girl. Won't you come back around my place? 1233 00:55:18,482 --> 00:55:20,985 We sit down and talk it over." 1234 00:55:21,026 --> 00:55:23,695 "All we going to do is talk?" 1235 00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:35,040 He take your woman to his house 1236 00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:38,376 and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints. 1237 00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:40,462 Shit this big and shit. 1238 00:55:40,504 --> 00:55:43,465 Put some of that Bob Marley music on. 1239 00:55:43,507 --> 00:55:45,467 And y'all know Bob be preaching this shit... 1240 00:55:45,509 --> 00:55:49,263 Don't let him fool you, oh, no ♪ 1241 00:55:49,305 --> 00:55:52,266 Na-na-na-na-na da-da-da-da ♪ 1242 00:55:52,308 --> 00:55:56,061 Or even try to school you, oh, yeah ♪ 1243 00:55:56,103 --> 00:55:58,647 Could this be love? ♪ 1244 00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:00,398 Then be loved ♪ 1245 00:56:00,440 --> 00:56:02,067 Dick swinging. 1246 00:56:03,652 --> 00:56:05,279 Next thing you know, 1247 00:56:05,321 --> 00:56:07,781 Dexter is fucking your woman. 1248 00:56:07,823 --> 00:56:09,365 Well. 1249 00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:14,370 Send your woman home floating on air. 1250 00:56:14,412 --> 00:56:15,622 Walk through the door like this... 1251 00:56:15,664 --> 00:56:18,334 I shot the sheriff ♪ 1252 00:56:23,172 --> 00:56:25,590 We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going, 1253 00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:28,135 "Hey, baby, you need to get away more often." 1254 00:56:28,177 --> 00:56:29,178 And she be like this... 1255 00:56:29,220 --> 00:56:31,096 "Uh-huh." 1256 00:56:31,138 --> 00:56:33,431 And never tell you. It's her little secret. 1257 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:36,685 All women have a skeleton in the closet. 1258 00:56:36,727 --> 00:56:39,395 All women have done something that only them 1259 00:56:39,437 --> 00:56:41,065 and another person knows about. 1260 00:56:41,106 --> 00:56:42,941 All women have one skeleton. 1261 00:56:42,983 --> 00:56:44,735 Even the little, sweet, innocent ones 1262 00:56:44,776 --> 00:56:46,111 have something that only them 1263 00:56:46,153 --> 00:56:48,197 and another person knows about. All women. 1264 00:56:48,239 --> 00:56:49,656 Don't be-- Look at the guys, 1265 00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:51,075 looking at their women again like this... 1266 00:56:53,535 --> 00:56:55,620 "You got skeletons in your closet? 1267 00:56:55,662 --> 00:56:57,956 "I thought I seen a bone in your shoe. 1268 00:56:57,998 --> 00:56:59,958 Whose skeleton was that?" 1269 00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:02,544 Don't be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet. 1270 00:57:02,586 --> 00:57:06,090 Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit. 1271 00:57:09,134 --> 00:57:12,846 You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet. 1272 00:57:12,888 --> 00:57:15,515 So be careful. Be careful. Get the perfect person for you. 1273 00:57:15,557 --> 00:57:17,517 Get somebody you going to be with forever. 1274 00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:19,144 Find somebody perfect for you. 1275 00:57:19,186 --> 00:57:20,729 I'm not saying that they're perfect people. 1276 00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:22,480 I'm saying we ain't perfect. 1277 00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:25,276 Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down. 1278 00:57:25,317 --> 00:57:27,027 That's what you gotta do. 1279 00:57:27,069 --> 00:57:28,612 If I ever get married, 1280 00:57:28,653 --> 00:57:31,031 I got to marry somebody with personality first. 1281 00:57:31,073 --> 00:57:33,367 I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches, 1282 00:57:33,409 --> 00:57:35,119 those real quiet ones, you know. 1283 00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:37,537 The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say, 1284 00:57:37,579 --> 00:57:38,830 "Hey, what you wanna eat?" 1285 00:57:38,872 --> 00:57:41,625 They go, "I'll just have a salad." 1286 00:57:41,666 --> 00:57:43,127 And you hear their stomach going... 1287 00:57:43,168 --> 00:57:46,130 ( imitates rumbling ) 1288 00:57:48,506 --> 00:57:50,801 "I don't know why my stomach is making that noise." 1289 00:57:52,136 --> 00:57:54,305 "'Cause you're hungry, bitch. 1290 00:57:54,346 --> 00:57:56,181 Why don't you have something to eat?" 1291 00:57:56,223 --> 00:57:59,143 "No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. I'll just have a salad." 1292 00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:02,146 "What you want to drink?" 1293 00:58:02,187 --> 00:58:04,856 "Water." 1294 00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:07,192 "What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?" 1295 00:58:07,234 --> 00:58:09,861 "Whatever you wanna see is okay with me. 1296 00:58:09,903 --> 00:58:13,782 As long as it's a PG. I hate scary movies." 1297 00:58:13,824 --> 00:58:15,200 "This is my friend Bob and Karen." 1298 00:58:15,242 --> 00:58:17,119 "Hi." 1299 00:58:17,161 --> 00:58:20,038 "What's your problem?" "I'm just a little shy." 1300 00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:22,207 Get your shy ass away from me. 1301 00:58:22,249 --> 00:58:23,708 I hate those shy bitches. 1302 00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:25,461 They make me sick to my mother-- 1303 00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:28,172 I hate shy-- You know, those shy women, 1304 00:58:28,213 --> 00:58:30,048 those are usually the ones that have 1305 00:58:30,090 --> 00:58:31,842 the most skeletons in their closet. 1306 00:58:33,885 --> 00:58:36,054 That's why they shy now. 1307 00:58:36,096 --> 00:58:39,266 'Cause they been raising hell all their life, now they shy. 1308 00:58:39,308 --> 00:58:41,477 Think about it. All them shy women that you meet, 1309 00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:43,395 they never from the town you meet them in. 1310 00:58:43,437 --> 00:58:44,896 They always from somewhere else. 1311 00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:47,483 Then they come to your town and get shy. 1312 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:49,526 Get the fuck out of here. 1313 00:58:49,567 --> 00:58:51,569 They afraid to talk, 'cause they think a bone 1314 00:58:51,611 --> 00:58:56,783 is going to fly out their mouth or some shit. 1315 00:58:56,825 --> 00:58:58,410 "Hi. 1316 00:58:58,452 --> 00:58:59,911 ( imitates object falling, landing ) 1317 00:58:59,953 --> 00:59:01,705 So many skeletons." 1318 00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:06,251 I hate shy women. 1319 00:59:06,293 --> 00:59:09,380 I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor. 1320 00:59:09,421 --> 00:59:12,466 I like funny girls and funny women. 1321 00:59:12,508 --> 00:59:14,592 But hey, wait. You gotta be good-looking too. 1322 00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:17,262 I don't wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. 1323 00:59:17,304 --> 00:59:18,972 I'd have me in the bed going, 1324 00:59:19,014 --> 00:59:20,598 "Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?" 1325 00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:22,100 Gotta be a good cook. 1326 00:59:22,142 --> 00:59:23,643 I didn't realize my mother was a good cook 1327 00:59:23,685 --> 00:59:25,187 till after I moved out of the house. 1328 00:59:25,229 --> 00:59:26,813 When you're a child, 1329 00:59:26,855 --> 00:59:28,690 if your mother doesn't take you to McDonald's, 1330 00:59:28,732 --> 00:59:30,817 you don't think she can cook. I had one of those mothers, 1331 00:59:30,859 --> 00:59:33,070 no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home. 1332 00:59:33,111 --> 00:59:36,407 You say, "Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald's." 1333 00:59:36,448 --> 00:59:39,535 And she go, "I got hamburger meat at home." 1334 00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:42,871 "But I want McDonald's hamburgers." 1335 00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:45,457 "I'll make you a hamburger better than McDonald's." 1336 00:59:45,499 --> 00:59:48,085 "You cook better than McDonald's?" 1337 00:59:48,126 --> 00:59:50,587 "That's right. You can help Mama make it." 1338 00:59:50,628 --> 00:59:53,298 You say, "Shit, that's better than McDonald's." 1339 00:59:53,340 --> 00:59:55,800 Your mother say, "Okay, go get me the big frying pan." 1340 00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:57,802 So you hand her the frying pan and she say, 1341 00:59:57,844 --> 01:00:00,264 "I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat 1342 01:00:00,305 --> 01:00:02,849 and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion." 1343 01:00:02,891 --> 01:00:04,976 And you say, 1344 01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:08,397 "Ain't no green peppers at McDonald's." 1345 01:00:08,439 --> 01:00:10,274 "I'm not making McDonald's, I'm making your Mama's burger. 1346 01:00:10,315 --> 01:00:12,859 "I need a green pepper and an onion and while you're in there, 1347 01:00:12,901 --> 01:00:14,486 get me an egg out too." 1348 01:00:16,071 --> 01:00:18,782 "What you need eggs for? 1349 01:00:18,823 --> 01:00:21,326 "I want hamburgers. 1350 01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:24,621 You making Egg McMuffins." 1351 01:00:26,540 --> 01:00:27,999 "I'm not making an Egg McMuffin. 1352 01:00:28,041 --> 01:00:30,001 "I don't even know what no damn Egg McMuffin is. 1353 01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:31,836 Just get me the egg and shut your mouth." 1354 01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:33,505 She take the egg and the green peppers 1355 01:00:33,547 --> 01:00:35,507 and chop the green peppers up in big chunks. 1356 01:00:35,549 --> 01:00:38,343 Don't even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion 1357 01:00:38,385 --> 01:00:41,346 and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it 1358 01:00:41,388 --> 01:00:42,973 and make a big meatball and put it 1359 01:00:43,014 --> 01:00:44,808 in the middle of this frying pan. 1360 01:00:44,849 --> 01:00:47,018 At McDonald's, the meat is this thin. 1361 01:00:47,060 --> 01:00:49,646 Your mother's shit is like this or fatter. 1362 01:00:49,687 --> 01:00:51,689 Green peppers hanging out of it and shit. 1363 01:00:51,731 --> 01:00:53,150 And there's a big split in the middle 1364 01:00:53,191 --> 01:00:54,734 and grease is popping out. 1365 01:00:54,776 --> 01:00:56,236 You're looking at it while it's popping. 1366 01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:57,737 You're looking at the grease in the pan, 1367 01:00:57,779 --> 01:00:59,197 you're thinking to yourself, 1368 01:00:59,239 --> 01:01:01,158 "That don't look like no McDonald's." 1369 01:01:01,199 --> 01:01:03,034 Then your mother say, "Go inside the refrigerator 1370 01:01:03,076 --> 01:01:05,662 and get me the bread out of the bread box." 1371 01:01:05,703 --> 01:01:07,872 And you go look in the bread box and you say, 1372 01:01:07,914 --> 01:01:11,543 "Ma, we don't have no hamburger buns. 1373 01:01:11,585 --> 01:01:14,087 All we have is Wonder Bread." 1374 01:01:14,129 --> 01:01:15,422 "That's what I said. 1375 01:01:15,464 --> 01:01:17,924 Get the bread out of the bread box." 1376 01:01:17,966 --> 01:01:20,302 "You going to put it on square Wonder Bread?" 1377 01:01:20,344 --> 01:01:22,638 "Goddamn it, bread is bread. You'd better bring me that bread 1378 01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:24,055 "before I slap you in your mouth. 1379 01:01:24,097 --> 01:01:25,265 "Don't tell me about Wonder Bread. 1380 01:01:25,307 --> 01:01:26,808 "As much as that bread costs, 1381 01:01:26,850 --> 01:01:28,435 "don't tell me some shit about Wonder Bread. 1382 01:01:28,477 --> 01:01:30,437 This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger." 1383 01:01:30,479 --> 01:01:31,938 And she'd make it and put it 1384 01:01:31,980 --> 01:01:34,065 in the middle of square Wonder Bread. 1385 01:01:34,107 --> 01:01:37,068 At McDonald's, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread. 1386 01:01:37,110 --> 01:01:38,570 At your mother's, 1387 01:01:38,612 --> 01:01:40,864 the meat's right in the middle of the bread, 1388 01:01:40,905 --> 01:01:42,616 with grease running through the middle, 1389 01:01:42,658 --> 01:01:44,368 making the bread stick to the plate. 1390 01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,537 Now, this big green pepper is hanging out the top 1391 01:01:46,578 --> 01:01:47,996 of this big meatball on the bread. 1392 01:01:48,038 --> 01:01:50,081 And you try to put some ketchup on it 1393 01:01:50,123 --> 01:01:54,419 and it mixes with the grease, turn the bread into pink dough. 1394 01:01:54,461 --> 01:01:56,588 Then you grab it and get fingerprinted 1395 01:01:56,630 --> 01:01:59,090 and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough. 1396 01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:00,592 You stand there looking at it 1397 01:02:00,634 --> 01:02:02,511 and you try to make it look like McDonald's, 1398 01:02:02,553 --> 01:02:04,762 so you rip the edges off around it, make it round. 1399 01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:07,432 And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand. 1400 01:02:07,474 --> 01:02:10,435 And your mother say, "Now, go on outside and play." 1401 01:02:10,477 --> 01:02:12,145 And the other kids got McDonald's. 1402 01:02:12,187 --> 01:02:13,730 They outside going, 1403 01:02:13,771 --> 01:02:16,608 We got McDonald's ♪ 1404 01:02:16,650 --> 01:02:18,193 Hamburgers ♪ 1405 01:02:18,235 --> 01:02:22,072 McDonald's, McDonald's ♪ 1406 01:02:22,113 --> 01:02:26,117 I got McDonald's ♪ 1407 01:02:26,159 --> 01:02:30,455 And you standing there with this big "house burger." 1408 01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:31,956 And kids are honest. 1409 01:02:31,998 --> 01:02:33,584 They say, "Where you get that big, 1410 01:02:33,625 --> 01:02:36,670 welfare, green-pepper burger?" 1411 01:02:36,712 --> 01:02:38,088 And you cry. 1412 01:02:38,129 --> 01:02:40,257 ( sobs ) 1413 01:02:43,009 --> 01:02:47,472 "My mother made it." 1414 01:02:47,514 --> 01:02:50,141 And long slob-- When little kids cry, 1415 01:02:50,183 --> 01:02:52,310 some long slob come out of their mouth 1416 01:02:52,352 --> 01:02:54,062 and it hangs this far to the ground. 1417 01:02:54,104 --> 01:02:56,189 And it won't break. 1418 01:02:56,231 --> 01:02:58,650 And adults stand around going, "That slob going to break?" 1419 01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:00,818 And it won't. The wind can blow that slob... 1420 01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:02,529 ( moans ) 1421 01:03:02,571 --> 01:03:04,155 You know where you can see kids crying? 1422 01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:05,865 I do it all the time, I'm sadistic. 1423 01:03:05,907 --> 01:03:08,535 I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it 1424 01:03:08,577 --> 01:03:10,828 and beat the shit out of their kids. 1425 01:03:16,042 --> 01:03:17,835 MAN: Party at the Loft! 1426 01:03:17,877 --> 01:03:20,672 I was at the Loft. You know why I ain't danced at the Loft? 1427 01:03:20,714 --> 01:03:22,882 I had just got over some shit. I go to parties-- 1428 01:03:22,924 --> 01:03:25,260 I went to a white disco recently 1429 01:03:25,302 --> 01:03:26,844 and I watched the white people dance. 1430 01:03:26,886 --> 01:03:29,640 Y'all-- Y'all can't dance. 1431 01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,185 No, it's not-- I'm not being racist. I mean, I mean-- 1432 01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:36,271 It's just like saying black people have thick lips. 1433 01:03:36,313 --> 01:03:38,523 That's not racist. It's true. We have thick lips 1434 01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:40,651 and white people can't dance. 1435 01:03:40,692 --> 01:03:43,861 And y'all be trying. Y'all be really-- 1436 01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:46,281 Do y'all listen to the words or the beat? 1437 01:03:48,074 --> 01:03:49,660 'Cause y'all be-- And I really-- 1438 01:03:49,701 --> 01:03:51,745 I tell you, every time you see a black-- 1439 01:03:51,787 --> 01:03:53,413 When you ever go to a white club, 1440 01:03:53,455 --> 01:03:55,081 you see five or six brothers just standing. 1441 01:03:55,123 --> 01:03:56,958 You ask, "Why are those niggers in here?" 1442 01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:59,169 They watching y'all dance. 1443 01:03:59,210 --> 01:04:01,838 "Look at these crazy motherfuckers." 1444 01:04:01,879 --> 01:04:03,340 Y'all got one dance y'all can do. 1445 01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:05,216 Y'all can do this shit, like this... 1446 01:04:10,263 --> 01:04:13,391 But y'all don't do no moves, it's just this... 1447 01:04:13,433 --> 01:04:16,687 Y'all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You'd be... 1448 01:04:16,728 --> 01:04:18,480 "Oh, shit..." 1449 01:04:20,774 --> 01:04:23,318 And white people, y'all step on each other's feet. 1450 01:04:23,360 --> 01:04:25,654 Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up, 1451 01:04:25,696 --> 01:04:27,447 you're stepping and hitting and-- 1452 01:04:27,489 --> 01:04:28,782 Brothers got some dance. 1453 01:04:28,824 --> 01:04:30,408 They be doing this with their heads. 1454 01:04:30,450 --> 01:04:32,786 Some shit like that. 1455 01:04:32,828 --> 01:04:34,287 If the white people do that, 1456 01:04:34,329 --> 01:04:35,706 they'll kill each other. They be like... 1457 01:04:35,747 --> 01:04:36,790 ( makes crashing noise ) 1458 01:04:36,832 --> 01:04:39,083 "Sorry." 1459 01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:41,211 "Let's stick with this." 1460 01:04:42,962 --> 01:04:45,423 I was in the club, man. I stopped going-- 1461 01:04:45,465 --> 01:04:48,092 I ain't danced at the Loft 'cause I had a fight recently 1462 01:04:48,134 --> 01:04:50,136 and I said I ain't dancing. I went to clubs-- 1463 01:04:50,178 --> 01:04:52,681 People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting. 1464 01:04:52,723 --> 01:04:54,265 I had a fight with an Italian dude 1465 01:04:54,307 --> 01:04:56,685 right after around the time Rocky came out. 1466 01:04:56,727 --> 01:04:58,687 Italians-- White people, period, 1467 01:04:58,729 --> 01:05:00,605 y'all go crazy after y'all see a Rocky movie, 1468 01:05:00,647 --> 01:05:03,274 'cause y'all believe that shit. 1469 01:05:03,316 --> 01:05:06,027 'Cause the movies are so emotional and so real, 1470 01:05:06,069 --> 01:05:08,530 you sit there and go like, "Hey, this is real." 1471 01:05:08,572 --> 01:05:10,198 And Stallone have y'all white people pumped, 1472 01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:11,491 especially Italians. 1473 01:05:11,533 --> 01:05:12,950 After Italians see Rocky, 1474 01:05:12,992 --> 01:05:14,786 they come out the movie theater, they be like-- 1475 01:05:14,828 --> 01:05:16,371 Italians are funny people, 'cause they act like niggas. 1476 01:05:16,413 --> 01:05:17,748 It's real funny. 1477 01:05:17,789 --> 01:05:19,916 They do. They hold their dick more than us. 1478 01:05:19,957 --> 01:05:21,668 They be standing around, 1479 01:05:21,710 --> 01:05:24,254 ( Brooklyn accent ): "Get the fuck out of here." 1480 01:05:28,717 --> 01:05:30,844 "It's right here, all right? 1481 01:05:30,886 --> 01:05:33,805 "What? Hey, fuck you, all right?" 1482 01:05:33,847 --> 01:05:37,141 Everything is a question too. "Hey, what am I, an asshole? 1483 01:05:37,183 --> 01:05:39,936 "What am I, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here. 1484 01:05:39,977 --> 01:05:41,897 It's right here, all right?" 1485 01:05:51,531 --> 01:05:52,824 After they see Rocky, 1486 01:05:52,866 --> 01:05:54,284 they come out of the theater charged. 1487 01:05:54,325 --> 01:05:57,328 They be like, "All right, Rock-O! 1488 01:05:57,370 --> 01:05:59,623 "All right, Sly! 1489 01:06:03,543 --> 01:06:05,587 "Hey! 1490 01:06:05,629 --> 01:06:09,424 All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!" 1491 01:06:09,466 --> 01:06:11,593 Go up to the people standing on line and shit. 1492 01:06:11,635 --> 01:06:14,178 "Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?" 1493 01:06:14,220 --> 01:06:18,391 "Yeah." "It's a great fucking movie. 1494 01:06:20,560 --> 01:06:22,145 "It's great. 1495 01:06:23,647 --> 01:06:25,690 "You going to like this. When Sly comes out, 1496 01:06:25,732 --> 01:06:27,692 "he breaks this big fucking nigger's face. 1497 01:06:27,734 --> 01:06:29,444 "He busts it fucking wide open. 1498 01:06:29,486 --> 01:06:32,656 "Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up. 1499 01:06:34,741 --> 01:06:38,787 "It's fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O! 1500 01:06:38,829 --> 01:06:40,997 "Hey, you know something. At the end of this picture, 1501 01:06:41,038 --> 01:06:42,415 "now, just between you and I, 1502 01:06:42,457 --> 01:06:43,875 "I don't wanna ruin the surprise, 1503 01:06:43,917 --> 01:06:46,169 "but Sly wins this one again. 1504 01:06:46,210 --> 01:06:48,338 "You know what I like about Stallone's movies? 1505 01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:50,590 "The realism. You know? 'Cause that's the way you gotta 1506 01:06:50,632 --> 01:06:52,008 "fucking treat those fucking moolies. 1507 01:06:52,049 --> 01:06:53,927 "They think they can fucking push you around, 1508 01:06:53,969 --> 01:06:55,553 'Oh, you big hotshot,' 1509 01:06:55,595 --> 01:06:57,305 "get the fuck out of here. 1510 01:06:57,347 --> 01:06:59,432 "Get the fuck out of my face with that shit. 1511 01:06:59,474 --> 01:07:01,309 "That's what I like about Sly. He goes in 1512 01:07:01,351 --> 01:07:03,394 "and the moolies are beating him and he don't fucking go down. 1513 01:07:03,436 --> 01:07:05,313 "He's not fucking going down. 1514 01:07:05,355 --> 01:07:07,732 "He comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie's hole like this. 1515 01:07:07,774 --> 01:07:09,609 "He falls on the ground. I swear. 1516 01:07:09,651 --> 01:07:11,611 "You know something, you can really fucking do that. 1517 01:07:11,653 --> 01:07:14,364 "You see that fucking big melanzane standing over there? 1518 01:07:14,405 --> 01:07:17,074 See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?" 1519 01:07:17,116 --> 01:07:21,579 "Yeah." "All right. Now, he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2". 1520 01:07:21,621 --> 01:07:23,790 "I ain't no big guy, all right? 1521 01:07:23,832 --> 01:07:27,210 "But I'm Italian. Watch this. You watch this, all right? 1522 01:07:33,132 --> 01:07:35,218 "Hey, excuse me, brother. 1523 01:07:37,303 --> 01:07:39,597 "Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits 1524 01:07:39,639 --> 01:07:41,683 "and let me have some Bon Bons. 1525 01:07:41,725 --> 01:07:44,143 "I think I'll have some Bon Bons there. 1526 01:07:44,185 --> 01:07:46,563 "And let me have some Junior Mints. 1527 01:07:46,604 --> 01:07:49,941 "And, uh, give me another box of Juji Fruits. 1528 01:07:49,983 --> 01:07:52,402 And the nigga's going to pay for it." 1529 01:07:57,198 --> 01:07:58,825 "Excuse me?" 1530 01:08:03,120 --> 01:08:07,751 "You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy... 1531 01:08:12,505 --> 01:08:14,758 ...or I'll kick your ass." 1532 01:08:16,676 --> 01:08:18,553 "Oh, you just saw Rocky. 1533 01:08:21,014 --> 01:08:23,808 "Look, little Italian white man. 1534 01:08:23,850 --> 01:08:25,309 "I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's movies too. 1535 01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:26,978 "But I'm waiting here to get some candy 1536 01:08:27,020 --> 01:08:29,313 "and I'm going to go see a movie with my friend. 1537 01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:31,399 "Why don't you just go hop in your IROC Z-28 1538 01:08:31,441 --> 01:08:33,192 and take your ass home." 1539 01:08:36,571 --> 01:08:39,490 "I'll kick your fucking ass." 1540 01:08:39,532 --> 01:08:42,118 Then they hear that Rocky music. 1541 01:08:42,159 --> 01:08:43,453 Hour later... 1542 01:08:43,494 --> 01:08:45,580 ( makes siren noise ) 1543 01:08:45,622 --> 01:08:47,457 "He's not going to make it. 1544 01:08:47,498 --> 01:08:50,794 "The big nigger named Abdullah's hand wrapped around his throat. 1545 01:08:50,835 --> 01:08:52,796 "And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. 1546 01:08:52,837 --> 01:08:54,505 "He's not going to make it. 1547 01:08:54,547 --> 01:08:56,132 He's fucked up." 1548 01:08:58,175 --> 01:09:00,095 That's who I had a fight with. I had a fight with an Italian. 1549 01:09:00,136 --> 01:09:02,263 Those are the worst white people to fight, 1550 01:09:02,305 --> 01:09:04,181 'cause they don't know it-- especially around Rocky time. 1551 01:09:04,223 --> 01:09:06,309 'Cause I was in a discotheque talking to-- 1552 01:09:06,350 --> 01:09:08,979 I was in a disco talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever. 1553 01:09:09,020 --> 01:09:11,606 Don't ask me why. But I-- 1554 01:09:11,648 --> 01:09:13,190 We were there kicking it and this Italian dude 1555 01:09:13,232 --> 01:09:14,692 is standing there with his girlfriend 1556 01:09:14,734 --> 01:09:16,360 and his girlfriend is looking at me or Deney. 1557 01:09:16,402 --> 01:09:18,237 And the Italian guy-- 1558 01:09:18,279 --> 01:09:19,906 Italians don't play that shit. You hear the shit they say 1559 01:09:19,948 --> 01:09:21,365 to their girlfriends? 1560 01:09:21,407 --> 01:09:23,409 "What the fuck you looking over there for, huh? 1561 01:09:23,451 --> 01:09:25,536 "Don't tell me you're not looking. I just saw you looking. 1562 01:09:25,578 --> 01:09:27,789 "You been looking over there all fucking night, all right. 1563 01:09:27,831 --> 01:09:30,374 "You look over there again, I'm going to pick up a glass 1564 01:09:30,416 --> 01:09:32,168 "and shove it in your fucking mouth, all right? 1565 01:09:32,209 --> 01:09:34,087 "You don't look over there. No, you shut up. 1566 01:09:34,129 --> 01:09:36,464 "You're making me look like I'm an asshole over here. 1567 01:09:36,506 --> 01:09:38,299 "Don't you ever disrespect me. Don't you ever. 1568 01:09:38,341 --> 01:09:39,801 "Hey, shut up. Don't you ever-- 1569 01:09:39,843 --> 01:09:42,219 "I'll fucking kick your ass inside here. 1570 01:09:42,261 --> 01:09:44,014 "What are you looking at a fucking dancer 1571 01:09:44,055 --> 01:09:45,932 "and a melanzane for? He's a moolie. 1572 01:09:45,974 --> 01:09:48,059 You know I'll kick his moolie ass." 1573 01:09:48,101 --> 01:09:49,268 He pushed me. 1574 01:09:49,310 --> 01:09:50,812 Now, black people from New York 1575 01:09:50,854 --> 01:09:52,438 have this trick we use on white people. 1576 01:09:52,480 --> 01:09:54,357 It works. Even if you can't fight, 1577 01:09:54,398 --> 01:09:56,067 you have to act like you can fight, 1578 01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:58,402 'cause that gets you out of a lot of fights. 1579 01:09:58,444 --> 01:10:00,363 It works. If you have some problem tomorrow-- 1580 01:10:00,404 --> 01:10:02,907 Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says, 1581 01:10:02,949 --> 01:10:04,450 "Hey, you got a problem?" 1582 01:10:04,492 --> 01:10:06,744 You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!" 1583 01:10:13,250 --> 01:10:15,879 "I just lost my motherfucking job 1584 01:10:15,920 --> 01:10:18,631 "to a white man, look just like you! 1585 01:10:21,718 --> 01:10:23,887 "So I say I'm going to step on some feet 1586 01:10:23,928 --> 01:10:26,472 "till I feel I've redeemed myself. 1587 01:10:26,514 --> 01:10:27,765 You got a problem?" 1588 01:10:27,807 --> 01:10:29,100 And white guys will go, 1589 01:10:29,142 --> 01:10:31,435 "Hey, I didn't know about your job." 1590 01:10:31,477 --> 01:10:33,771 They leave and brother be standing there like this... 1591 01:10:33,813 --> 01:10:36,691 "Oh, that was close. 1592 01:10:36,733 --> 01:10:38,651 I almost got fucked up." 1593 01:10:38,693 --> 01:10:40,695 So I know you gotta act like you can fight. 1594 01:10:40,737 --> 01:10:43,322 First thing you do is you make your voice go up an octave 1595 01:10:43,364 --> 01:10:44,866 and act real confused. And mumble, 1596 01:10:44,908 --> 01:10:47,160 "What the fuck this motherfucker trying--? 1597 01:10:47,202 --> 01:10:49,453 "Yo, you don't put your motherfucking hand, no-- 1598 01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:50,914 "Get the fuck-- Mind your motherfucking business. 1599 01:10:50,955 --> 01:10:52,749 "I'll bust your motherfucking ass. 1600 01:10:52,790 --> 01:10:54,876 "Don't you never put your hands-- Shut the fuck up, man. 1601 01:10:54,918 --> 01:10:56,627 "What the fuck is wrong with you, man? 1602 01:10:56,669 --> 01:10:58,838 "You know I'll bust you-- Get the fuck off me. 1603 01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:00,631 "I'll bust your motherfucking ass too. 1604 01:11:00,673 --> 01:11:02,508 "Mind your motherfucking business. 1605 01:11:02,550 --> 01:11:04,886 "You want some, motherfucker? You want some? 1606 01:11:04,928 --> 01:11:06,763 "Then make a move, then. Make a move. 1607 01:11:06,804 --> 01:11:08,431 "Yeah, you better walk away, mother-- 1608 01:11:08,472 --> 01:11:09,974 "I'll bust your pussy ass too. 1609 01:11:10,016 --> 01:11:12,060 "You never put your motherfucking hands on me. 1610 01:11:12,102 --> 01:11:14,311 "What the fuck is your problem? What's your problem, huh? 1611 01:11:14,353 --> 01:11:16,231 "You got a problem? Well, I'm going to settle your problem. 1612 01:11:16,272 --> 01:11:17,982 "I'm going to settle your problem. 1613 01:11:18,024 --> 01:11:19,859 "I'm going to settle your problem, motherfucker!" 1614 01:11:19,901 --> 01:11:22,946 And the dude did like this, "Come on!" 1615 01:11:29,160 --> 01:11:31,704 I was stuck. 1616 01:11:31,746 --> 01:11:34,457 I was standing there like this now. 1617 01:11:34,498 --> 01:11:36,834 Dude said, "Come on, that's the way I like it." 1618 01:11:36,876 --> 01:11:38,335 I didn't know what to do, 1619 01:11:38,377 --> 01:11:41,047 'cause I could act like I could fight good. 1620 01:11:41,089 --> 01:11:42,882 You know, I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter. 1621 01:11:42,924 --> 01:11:45,260 You put me in a movie where I'm the star, 1622 01:11:45,301 --> 01:11:47,678 I'll kick your ass. 1623 01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:49,764 This is real shit. He's standing there, "Come on." 1624 01:11:49,806 --> 01:11:51,933 I was frozen, man. I was standing there, 1625 01:11:51,975 --> 01:11:54,435 my ego jumped out of my body and said, 1626 01:11:54,477 --> 01:11:56,687 "Punch him in the face, Ed." 1627 01:11:56,729 --> 01:11:58,314 I said, "I ain't punching nobody." 1628 01:11:58,355 --> 01:11:59,941 My ego said, "Well, give me your hand." 1629 01:11:59,983 --> 01:12:01,651 ( makes punching noise ) 1630 01:12:01,692 --> 01:12:03,694 Clocked that boy in his eye. 1631 01:12:03,736 --> 01:12:05,488 Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, 1632 01:12:05,529 --> 01:12:07,949 he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said, 1633 01:12:07,991 --> 01:12:10,076 "What the fuck you do that for?" 1634 01:12:10,118 --> 01:12:11,911 Ego said, "'Cause you've got an image to uphold. 1635 01:12:11,953 --> 01:12:13,913 Look, you kicked the dude's ass, man. Calm down. Relax." 1636 01:12:13,955 --> 01:12:16,166 And I looked. The dude was laying there, holding his eye. 1637 01:12:16,207 --> 01:12:17,750 My ego said, "Now talk some shit now 1638 01:12:17,792 --> 01:12:19,376 so people know not to mess with you." 1639 01:12:19,418 --> 01:12:21,462 And I was like... "Yeah. 1640 01:12:23,131 --> 01:12:25,382 I'm tired of people messing with me." 1641 01:12:25,424 --> 01:12:26,843 "Now tell them if somebody else move, 1642 01:12:26,884 --> 01:12:28,427 you going to kick their ass." 1643 01:12:28,469 --> 01:12:30,763 "If somebody else move, 1644 01:12:30,805 --> 01:12:32,682 I'm going to kick their ass?" 1645 01:12:34,058 --> 01:12:35,559 "Do some kind of rhyme with your name. 1646 01:12:35,601 --> 01:12:37,394 That always scares white people. Rhyme your name." 1647 01:12:37,436 --> 01:12:38,771 "'Cause I'm Ed, 1648 01:12:38,813 --> 01:12:41,524 and if you mess with Ed, you be dead." 1649 01:12:43,776 --> 01:12:46,403 "That's all right. Just worry about-- Shit, you doing fine. 1650 01:12:46,445 --> 01:12:48,281 "You just relax, don't worry about nothing. Just be cool. 1651 01:12:48,323 --> 01:12:49,824 "Ain't nobody going to move now 1652 01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:51,326 "after they seen you kick this dude's ass. 1653 01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:52,576 Just relax and cool out." 1654 01:12:52,618 --> 01:12:53,953 I start cooling out. My ego said, 1655 01:12:53,995 --> 01:12:55,579 "You ain't got to worry about nothing. 1656 01:12:55,621 --> 01:12:57,332 "Every now and then you gotta whip somebody's ass, 1657 01:12:57,373 --> 01:13:00,084 let them know where you stand." I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" 1658 01:13:00,126 --> 01:13:03,587 I ain't see this dude's brother standing behind me. 1659 01:13:03,629 --> 01:13:06,507 And he has seen Rocky too. 1660 01:13:06,549 --> 01:13:08,885 And he swung around my back 1661 01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:12,096 and punched me in the mouth... 1662 01:13:12,138 --> 01:13:14,224 real, real hard. 1663 01:13:15,308 --> 01:13:16,267 'Cause the punch said... 1664 01:13:16,309 --> 01:13:17,601 ( makes punching noise ) 1665 01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:20,688 And my ego said, "What was that?!" 1666 01:13:20,730 --> 01:13:23,482 I said, "I don't know." And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!" 1667 01:13:23,524 --> 01:13:26,361 ( making swelling sound ) 1668 01:13:33,993 --> 01:13:36,829 ( making throbbing sound ) 1669 01:13:42,335 --> 01:13:45,338 So I'm standing there with my lips hanging down, 1670 01:13:45,380 --> 01:13:49,675 looking like J.J. from Good Times and shit. 1671 01:13:49,717 --> 01:13:52,053 And I ain't know what to do, so I scream for security. 1672 01:13:52,095 --> 01:13:53,846 I said, "Security!" 1673 01:13:53,888 --> 01:13:56,682 And that's when one of my boys jumped over the table 1674 01:13:56,724 --> 01:13:58,142 like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad 1675 01:13:58,184 --> 01:13:59,435 and grabbed that boy and started going... 1676 01:13:59,476 --> 01:14:00,686 Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. 1677 01:14:00,728 --> 01:14:02,479 Boom. Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up 1678 01:14:02,521 --> 01:14:03,981 and starts fucking this boy up 1679 01:14:04,023 --> 01:14:05,691 and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy 1680 01:14:05,733 --> 01:14:07,110 and started kicking his ass. 1681 01:14:07,151 --> 01:14:08,527 Then somebody says, "Fight in the back!" 1682 01:14:08,569 --> 01:14:09,904 And all the people, the bouncers came-- 1683 01:14:09,946 --> 01:14:11,322 It was a white club, 1684 01:14:11,364 --> 01:14:12,990 they saw two niggas fighting two white guys. 1685 01:14:13,032 --> 01:14:14,992 They jump on the niggas. "You niggers have to learn 1686 01:14:15,034 --> 01:14:16,327 "to stop fucking up our clubs. 1687 01:14:16,369 --> 01:14:18,121 "Didn't we let you in here, nigger? 1688 01:14:18,162 --> 01:14:20,331 We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you." 1689 01:14:20,373 --> 01:14:21,707 Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys 1690 01:14:21,749 --> 01:14:23,126 beating up two black guys. 1691 01:14:23,167 --> 01:14:24,419 "Hey, you can't beat up the brothers." 1692 01:14:24,460 --> 01:14:26,170 They jump in the fight. 1693 01:14:26,212 --> 01:14:28,172 Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys, 1694 01:14:28,214 --> 01:14:30,049 it was a big race war and suntan lotion 1695 01:14:30,091 --> 01:14:32,051 and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over the place. 1696 01:14:32,093 --> 01:14:35,596 And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me. 1697 01:14:37,140 --> 01:14:38,808 Everybody claimed I whipped their ass. 1698 01:14:38,849 --> 01:14:41,018 I'm 5'10". I weigh 165 pounds. 1699 01:14:41,060 --> 01:14:43,729 I can't whip a disco's ass by myself. 1700 01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:45,648 Even people that didn't fight sued me. 1701 01:14:45,689 --> 01:14:47,858 People that watched the fight was in court. 1702 01:14:47,900 --> 01:14:50,320 "No, I didn't actually fight, but I was there watching. 1703 01:14:50,361 --> 01:14:51,737 "And it was a discotheque 1704 01:14:51,779 --> 01:14:53,448 "and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, 1705 01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:55,866 "creating a weird effect with the mirror 1706 01:14:55,908 --> 01:14:58,869 "and I saw this and my eyes were sprained, 1707 01:14:58,911 --> 01:15:02,873 the eyes, and I need 12 million for my sprained eyes." 1708 01:15:05,084 --> 01:15:07,878 Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued. 1709 01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,047 I was like, "Ain't no brothers going to sue me." 1710 01:15:10,089 --> 01:15:11,882 Brothers sued Ed. The brothers went to get paid. 1711 01:15:11,924 --> 01:15:13,676 I was like, "Brothers don't sue brothers." 1712 01:15:13,717 --> 01:15:16,512 They was like, "Fuck that. I'm getting paid, motherfucker." 1713 01:15:16,553 --> 01:15:18,555 Brothers went to court, got educated on the judge. 1714 01:15:18,597 --> 01:15:20,933 All of a sudden they was like, "Can you state your case." 1715 01:15:20,975 --> 01:15:23,894 "Yes, Your Honor, on the evening in question, per se, Your Honor. 1716 01:15:26,022 --> 01:15:28,399 "Yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was inside the disco. 1717 01:15:28,441 --> 01:15:30,651 "Cooling, right? I went in with my girlie, right? 1718 01:15:30,693 --> 01:15:32,653 "My girl start illing, 'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.' 1719 01:15:32,695 --> 01:15:34,447 "Start acting all tipsy and shit, right? 1720 01:15:34,489 --> 01:15:36,366 "I say, 'Where? Where?' She say, 'Over there.' 1721 01:15:36,407 --> 01:15:38,534 "I say, 'Fuck that big-nose motherfucker. 1722 01:15:38,575 --> 01:15:40,911 'I make my money just like him'' Right, Your Honor? 1723 01:15:40,953 --> 01:15:43,164 "'Cause I don't give a fuck. I ain't getting on nobody. 1724 01:15:43,206 --> 01:15:44,915 "So, Your Honor, check it out, right? 1725 01:15:44,957 --> 01:15:46,625 "What happened-- What happened then, right? 1726 01:15:46,667 --> 01:15:48,878 "I say, 'Yo, what you want, me go over, 1727 01:15:48,919 --> 01:15:50,421 get the motherfucker autograph'' 1728 01:15:50,463 --> 01:15:52,256 "I got the autograph for my girlie. 1729 01:15:52,298 --> 01:15:56,135 "I walked over and said, 'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.' 1730 01:15:56,177 --> 01:15:59,013 "Then Ed say, 'I ain't signing a motherfucking thing. 1731 01:15:59,055 --> 01:16:01,432 'Fuck you and your ugly bitch.' I say, 'Yo, Ed. 1732 01:16:01,474 --> 01:16:03,518 'I'll bust your ass for saying shit like that.' 1733 01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:06,770 "He say, 'Motherfucker, I...' And he ran over to my woman 1734 01:16:06,812 --> 01:16:08,898 "and slap her in the face, Your Honor. 1735 01:16:08,939 --> 01:16:10,983 "Then he slap me and my man in the face. 1736 01:16:11,025 --> 01:16:13,819 "All three of us, like the Three Stooges, Your Honor. 1737 01:16:13,861 --> 01:16:16,613 Twelve million. Twelve!" 1738 01:16:16,655 --> 01:16:18,866 I was disgusted. 1739 01:16:18,908 --> 01:16:21,994 "Yeah, Your Honor. Give us half his shit." 1740 01:16:26,457 --> 01:16:27,875 I was mad. 1741 01:16:27,917 --> 01:16:29,877 I called my mother up. You know how you do. 1742 01:16:29,919 --> 01:16:31,670 When you get depressed, you call your mother. 1743 01:16:31,712 --> 01:16:33,672 You get your ass whipped, first thing you do is call home. 1744 01:16:33,714 --> 01:16:35,091 I call my mother's house. 1745 01:16:35,132 --> 01:16:37,051 'Cause you wanna hear your mother say, 1746 01:16:37,093 --> 01:16:39,262 "It's going to be all right, baby. It's going to be fine. 1747 01:16:39,303 --> 01:16:41,138 "You just come on home. Shh. Stop crying. 1748 01:16:41,180 --> 01:16:42,765 "I'll cook you something to eat. 1749 01:16:42,806 --> 01:16:44,559 "I'll cook you one of them big old hamburgers 1750 01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:46,685 I used to make before. You just come on home." 1751 01:16:46,727 --> 01:16:48,687 And you want that burger when you get older. 1752 01:16:48,729 --> 01:16:50,940 I called my mother's house, it was a Friday night, 1753 01:16:50,981 --> 01:16:53,317 the phone rang for a half-hour. 1754 01:16:53,359 --> 01:16:55,111 Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends, 1755 01:16:55,152 --> 01:16:56,820 my pops gets drunk. 1756 01:16:56,862 --> 01:16:58,697 I was praying he wouldn't answer the telephone, 1757 01:16:58,739 --> 01:17:00,616 'cause I'm bleeding, my lips are swollen, 1758 01:17:00,657 --> 01:17:02,410 people walking by going, "Hey, Jimmie Walker." 1759 01:17:02,452 --> 01:17:04,828 I'm going, "No, I'm Ed. I just had a fight." 1760 01:17:04,870 --> 01:17:06,747 So I'm praying my father wouldn't answer the phone. 1761 01:17:06,789 --> 01:17:08,749 And I picture this is going on while I'm standing, 1762 01:17:08,791 --> 01:17:10,418 my pops is home like this, drunk... 1763 01:17:10,460 --> 01:17:12,628 "This is my house! 1764 01:17:18,384 --> 01:17:21,011 "It's my house and I don't give a fuck! 1765 01:17:21,053 --> 01:17:23,180 "You know something? Hey, I'm drunk, Lil. 1766 01:17:23,222 --> 01:17:26,058 "Lil? I'm drunk. And you know something? 1767 01:17:26,100 --> 01:17:27,268 "It's beautiful. 1768 01:17:29,645 --> 01:17:31,021 "It's beautiful, Lil. 1769 01:17:31,063 --> 01:17:32,648 "In my heart and my soul, I'm drunk. 1770 01:17:32,689 --> 01:17:34,525 "You know something, fuck it. 1771 01:17:34,567 --> 01:17:38,028 "If I wanna drink something in my house, fine. 1772 01:17:38,070 --> 01:17:41,407 "You don't like it, get the fuck out of my house. 1773 01:17:41,449 --> 01:17:43,200 "I pay the bills for this motherfucker. 1774 01:17:43,242 --> 01:17:44,660 "I wanna drink something, I drink something. 1775 01:17:44,701 --> 01:17:47,746 "Hey, Lil, you going to answer this telephone? 1776 01:17:47,788 --> 01:17:49,832 "Do you hear the phone ringing? 1777 01:17:49,873 --> 01:17:51,083 "Lil! 1778 01:17:51,125 --> 01:17:54,295 ( making ringing sound ) 1779 01:17:56,255 --> 01:17:59,716 "That's the phone, motherfucker. That's not me. 1780 01:17:59,758 --> 01:18:01,385 "No, I'm not answering shit. 1781 01:18:01,427 --> 01:18:03,929 "I pay the bills. I'm going to answer the phone too? 1782 01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:07,141 "Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker? 1783 01:18:07,183 --> 01:18:09,185 "You better answer this telephone. 1784 01:18:09,226 --> 01:18:10,853 "Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look-- 1785 01:18:10,894 --> 01:18:12,729 "Shit, I'm watching the fights, Lil. 1786 01:18:12,771 --> 01:18:14,898 "Are you going to answer--? You're not going to answer it? 1787 01:18:14,940 --> 01:18:17,026 "Okay. Fine. Don't touch the phone no more, Lil. 1788 01:18:17,067 --> 01:18:18,735 "Okay? Since you can't get up off your ass 1789 01:18:18,777 --> 01:18:20,571 "and answer the phone-- Bye-bye. 1790 01:18:20,613 --> 01:18:22,156 "You can't touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian. 1791 01:18:22,198 --> 01:18:23,907 "No more phone for you. Your phone rights are-- 1792 01:18:23,949 --> 01:18:25,368 "Your phone privileges are cut off. 1793 01:18:25,409 --> 01:18:26,827 "In fact, I'm going to write that down 1794 01:18:26,869 --> 01:18:28,787 "and put it on the fridge. 1795 01:18:28,829 --> 01:18:30,747 "That's the new rules. That's the new rules in the house. 1796 01:18:30,789 --> 01:18:33,334 "I'm going to take the old rules off and put new rules up. 1797 01:18:33,376 --> 01:18:34,918 "'Cause you going to listen to me, goddamn, 1798 01:18:34,960 --> 01:18:36,420 "when I tell you to do something. 1799 01:18:36,462 --> 01:18:37,838 "We going to put new rules up. 1800 01:18:37,880 --> 01:18:39,465 "We going to put rules up. Rules up. 1801 01:18:39,507 --> 01:18:43,135 "Rules. Rules. One, 'Lillian... 1802 01:18:43,177 --> 01:18:46,681 cannot use the phone.' 1803 01:18:46,722 --> 01:18:50,267 "Two, 'Lillian cannot...' 1804 01:18:50,309 --> 01:18:52,102 "Since you're such a smart motherfucker, 1805 01:18:52,144 --> 01:18:54,689 "you can't go outside anymore either. 1806 01:18:54,730 --> 01:18:59,318 'Cannot go outside ever again.' 1807 01:18:59,360 --> 01:19:00,986 "Now, put the rules up, Lillian. 1808 01:19:01,028 --> 01:19:03,489 "You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it. 1809 01:19:03,531 --> 01:19:06,325 "And the rules say 'No phone and no outside.' 1810 01:19:06,367 --> 01:19:07,910 "And I don't give a fuck 1811 01:19:07,951 --> 01:19:09,745 "if the motherfucking house is burning down. 1812 01:19:09,786 --> 01:19:11,747 "If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say, 1813 01:19:11,788 --> 01:19:13,708 'How you find out the house was burning?' 1814 01:19:13,749 --> 01:19:18,003 'We got a call from your wife,' I kick your motherfucking ass. 1815 01:19:18,045 --> 01:19:19,463 "You're in this house to stay! 1816 01:19:19,505 --> 01:19:21,465 "You'll burn up in this motherfucker. 1817 01:19:21,507 --> 01:19:23,133 "No, Lillian, where you going? 1818 01:19:23,175 --> 01:19:24,719 "Didn't I just say you couldn't go no place? 1819 01:19:24,760 --> 01:19:26,554 "How the hell you going to go somewhere--? 1820 01:19:26,596 --> 01:19:28,305 "No, Lillian. You're not going to Shirley's house 1821 01:19:28,347 --> 01:19:29,390 "to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno. 1822 01:19:29,432 --> 01:19:31,100 "Take your coat off. 1823 01:19:31,141 --> 01:19:32,768 "No, you can't go no place, 'cause I said so. 1824 01:19:32,809 --> 01:19:34,395 "The rules say 'no outside.' 1825 01:19:34,437 --> 01:19:36,105 "I know you wanna leave, that's why you can't go. 1826 01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:37,898 "You better call and tell her you're not coming. 1827 01:19:37,940 --> 01:19:40,651 "Whoa-whoa-whoa. You can't use my phone. 1828 01:19:40,693 --> 01:19:42,653 "I don't know. You better lift up the window 1829 01:19:42,695 --> 01:19:44,530 "and scream your motherfucking head off. 1830 01:19:44,572 --> 01:19:46,407 "But you're not going-- I don't give-- 1831 01:19:46,449 --> 01:19:48,367 "You're not going no place. You're not going no place. 1832 01:19:48,409 --> 01:19:49,826 "No. 'Cause I know you wanna leave. 1833 01:19:49,868 --> 01:19:51,579 "That's why. I know you wanna leave. 1834 01:19:51,621 --> 01:19:53,122 I know you wanna leave." 1835 01:19:53,163 --> 01:19:55,332 I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings 1836 01:19:55,374 --> 01:19:57,167 old Motown songs to you in his argument, 1837 01:19:57,209 --> 01:19:59,587 and fucks all up the lyrics and thinks he's saying it right. 1838 01:19:59,629 --> 01:20:02,839 I know you wanna leave me ♪ 1839 01:20:02,881 --> 01:20:07,595 But I refuse to let you go, Lillian ♪ 1840 01:20:07,637 --> 01:20:09,764 Then he fuck up, think he's saying it right. 1841 01:20:09,805 --> 01:20:14,017 If I have to beg and plead, do the symphony ♪ 1842 01:20:17,896 --> 01:20:21,024 I don't mind, 'cause it means that much to me ♪ 1843 01:20:21,066 --> 01:20:22,610 "You're not going no place. 1844 01:20:22,652 --> 01:20:25,237 "You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil. 1845 01:20:25,279 --> 01:20:29,032 Watching the ships roll in ♪ 1846 01:20:29,074 --> 01:20:32,536 Then you watch them roll away again ♪ 1847 01:20:32,578 --> 01:20:35,205 Lillian ♪ 1848 01:20:35,247 --> 01:20:37,874 "'Cause I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say, 1849 01:20:37,916 --> 01:20:41,629 It's my house, I-I live here ♪ 1850 01:20:41,671 --> 01:20:43,631 "And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian... 1851 01:20:43,673 --> 01:20:47,677 En my casa, I... Yo vivo aqui ♪ 1852 01:20:50,805 --> 01:20:52,556 "This is my house! I don't give a fuck! 1853 01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:54,350 "Do you hear this phone ringing, Lillian? 1854 01:20:54,391 --> 01:20:55,892 "I'm going to answer, 'cause I know it's Shirley. 1855 01:20:55,934 --> 01:20:57,687 "I let my phone ring for a half-hour. 1856 01:20:57,728 --> 01:21:00,063 "And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour. 1857 01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:02,483 "You let it ring two or three times and hang it up. 1858 01:21:02,525 --> 01:21:04,360 "That's a lonely bitch at the end of that line. 1859 01:21:04,401 --> 01:21:05,986 "I'm going to tell her. Hello? Shirley? 1860 01:21:06,028 --> 01:21:08,447 "Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again-- 1861 01:21:08,489 --> 01:21:10,157 "Shir--? What's wrong--? Hey, what's wrong with you? 1862 01:21:10,199 --> 01:21:12,034 "What you crying about? Eddie, what's--? 1863 01:21:12,075 --> 01:21:13,786 "Eddie, what's wrong with you? 1864 01:21:13,828 --> 01:21:17,665 "What? You had a fight?! Lillian, get my pistol. 1865 01:21:17,707 --> 01:21:19,792 "Who you have a fight with? 1866 01:21:19,834 --> 01:21:23,295 "What? A disco? With Deney Terrio? 1867 01:21:23,337 --> 01:21:26,215 "Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio? 1868 01:21:26,256 --> 01:21:29,926 "And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot-- 1869 01:21:29,968 --> 01:21:32,429 "What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco 1870 01:21:32,471 --> 01:21:35,974 "with Deney Terrio and shot Jimmie Walker. 1871 01:21:37,309 --> 01:21:40,020 "He shot him in the lips, Lil. 1872 01:21:40,062 --> 01:21:42,481 "Eddie, why'd you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips? 1873 01:21:42,523 --> 01:21:45,025 "I like Good Times. 1874 01:21:45,067 --> 01:21:46,985 "Oh, you took a shot in your lips? 1875 01:21:47,027 --> 01:21:49,446 "And you look like Jimmie Walker? 1876 01:21:49,488 --> 01:21:51,281 "Oh, that'd do it. 1877 01:21:51,323 --> 01:21:53,033 "Who punched you in the lips? 1878 01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:54,535 "Italian? For what? 1879 01:21:54,577 --> 01:21:56,119 "What you mean 'nothing'? 1880 01:21:56,161 --> 01:21:57,954 "Nobody get punched for nothing. What'd you do? 1881 01:21:57,996 --> 01:21:59,331 "Eddie, shh. Don't tell me 'nothing'. 1882 01:21:59,373 --> 01:22:01,166 "You had to do something. 1883 01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:02,959 "What did you do? No, don't tell me 'nothing'. 1884 01:22:03,001 --> 01:22:05,295 "Nobody gets punched for nothing. What--? Eddie-- 1885 01:22:05,337 --> 01:22:06,797 "No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie. 1886 01:22:06,839 --> 01:22:10,967 Nothing from nothing leaves nothing ♪ 1887 01:22:11,009 --> 01:22:12,428 Had to do something ♪ 1888 01:22:12,469 --> 01:22:16,557 Motherfucker punched you in the mouth ♪ 1889 01:22:16,599 --> 01:22:19,643 "Now, what did you do? What? 1890 01:22:19,685 --> 01:22:21,729 "Eddie. No-- Eddie, then it's something that you did 1891 01:22:21,771 --> 01:22:23,522 "a long time ago. 1892 01:22:23,564 --> 01:22:26,024 "Didn't I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes. 1893 01:22:26,066 --> 01:22:28,026 "What goes around comes around, Eddie. 1894 01:22:28,068 --> 01:22:30,613 "Yes, that's why that man punch you in your mouth tonight, 1895 01:22:30,654 --> 01:22:32,406 "for something you did a long time ago. 1896 01:22:32,448 --> 01:22:34,283 "Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get. 1897 01:22:34,324 --> 01:22:36,326 "You get what you give. That's why that man-- 1898 01:22:36,368 --> 01:22:38,913 "Eddie. Eddie. What do you mean, you don't remember what you did? 1899 01:22:38,954 --> 01:22:41,081 "He probably punched you in your mouth for something you did 1900 01:22:41,123 --> 01:22:42,583 "when you was living here. 1901 01:22:42,625 --> 01:22:44,084 "I didn't catch everything that you did. 1902 01:22:44,126 --> 01:22:46,044 "I worked all day, you played all day, Eddie. 1903 01:22:46,086 --> 01:22:49,506 "Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971? 1904 01:22:49,548 --> 01:22:51,341 "It was you! Yes, it was. 1905 01:22:51,383 --> 01:22:53,343 "That's why that man kick your ass tonight. 1906 01:22:53,385 --> 01:22:55,262 "If he's still there, I'd appreciate if you go up 1907 01:22:55,304 --> 01:22:57,180 "and tell him that your father says 'Thank you.' 1908 01:22:57,222 --> 01:22:59,642 "Save me a trip to California. 'Cause you never respect me. 1909 01:22:59,683 --> 01:23:01,769 "You never listen to what I tell you to do, Eddie. 1910 01:23:01,811 --> 01:23:04,897 "I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules. 1911 01:23:04,939 --> 01:23:06,440 "Me and your mother want respect. 1912 01:23:06,482 --> 01:23:07,733 "You, Charlie and Vernon 1913 01:23:07,775 --> 01:23:09,192 "could not respect me and your mother. 1914 01:23:09,234 --> 01:23:10,611 "All we wanted was some respect. 1915 01:23:10,653 --> 01:23:12,613 "All we asked for was a little respect. 1916 01:23:12,655 --> 01:23:14,698 "How come you can't respect me? How come you can't respect me? 1917 01:23:14,740 --> 01:23:17,618 "I'm a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie. 1918 01:23:17,660 --> 01:23:21,705 What we want, baby, you got it ♪ 1919 01:23:21,747 --> 01:23:25,334 What we need, I know you got it ♪ 1920 01:23:25,375 --> 01:23:27,210 'Cause all I'm asking ♪ 1921 01:23:27,252 --> 01:23:29,546 Is for a little respect, motherfucker ♪ 1922 01:23:29,588 --> 01:23:32,174 When you come on home, baby ♪ 1923 01:23:32,215 --> 01:23:33,509 Hold on a minute. 1924 01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:40,683 Ooh, the kiss is sweeter than honey ♪ 1925 01:23:40,724 --> 01:23:44,144 R-E-S-Z-C-P, find out what you mean to me ♪ 1926 01:23:44,186 --> 01:23:46,396 R-E-C-C-T-T-P ♪ 1927 01:23:46,438 --> 01:23:48,691 "Motherfucker, you know how to spell it! 1928 01:23:51,902 --> 01:23:54,530 "Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie. 1929 01:23:54,571 --> 01:23:57,157 "That's why the man kicked your ass. And when I was a child, 1930 01:23:57,199 --> 01:24:00,243 "I respect my parents. And we didn't have shit. Okay? 1931 01:24:00,285 --> 01:24:02,162 "I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters 1932 01:24:02,204 --> 01:24:03,455 "didn't have shit. 1933 01:24:03,497 --> 01:24:05,165 "I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie. 1934 01:24:05,207 --> 01:24:08,043 "My father made 13 cents a week. 1935 01:24:09,545 --> 01:24:11,338 "He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, 1936 01:24:11,380 --> 01:24:13,089 "and made 13 cents a week. 1937 01:24:13,131 --> 01:24:16,176 "That's not a lot of money when you have 11 children. 1938 01:24:16,218 --> 01:24:17,761 "We didn't have all the fancy things 1939 01:24:17,803 --> 01:24:19,304 "like you, Charlie and Vernon. 1940 01:24:19,346 --> 01:24:22,140 "We didn't have fancy luxuries like food. 1941 01:24:22,182 --> 01:24:24,727 "What the fuck you going to eat on 13 cents a week? 1942 01:24:24,768 --> 01:24:27,270 "We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work. 1943 01:24:27,312 --> 01:24:29,648 "We ate the toys, Eddie. 1944 01:24:29,690 --> 01:24:31,650 "That's right. We ate the toys and we never complained, 1945 01:24:31,692 --> 01:24:33,861 "'cause my mother could cook her ass off. Yes she can. 1946 01:24:33,903 --> 01:24:36,238 "My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper, 1947 01:24:36,279 --> 01:24:39,199 "make a Tonka truck taste so delicious. 1948 01:24:39,241 --> 01:24:41,952 "The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie. 1949 01:24:41,994 --> 01:24:43,620 "And you appreciate it. You never complained. 1950 01:24:43,662 --> 01:24:45,330 "It was all for one and one for all. 1951 01:24:45,372 --> 01:24:46,707 "We always stuck together. 1952 01:24:46,749 --> 01:24:48,375 "I only hurt my brothers and sisters once. 1953 01:24:48,417 --> 01:24:50,460 "I came home from school and my mother had made 1954 01:24:50,502 --> 01:24:52,046 "a birthday feast for my father. 1955 01:24:52,087 --> 01:24:54,464 "She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day 1956 01:24:54,506 --> 01:24:56,800 "and made enough food for 13 people to feast on 1957 01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:58,510 "for my father for his birthday 1958 01:24:58,552 --> 01:25:00,804 "and I sat down and ate it all by myself. 1959 01:25:00,846 --> 01:25:02,431 "I ate it all, Eddie, by myself. 1960 01:25:02,472 --> 01:25:03,766 "And my father came inside the kitchen, 1961 01:25:03,807 --> 01:25:05,475 "put his little birthday hat on 1962 01:25:05,517 --> 01:25:07,227 "and I'll never forget, he looked at all the children, 1963 01:25:07,269 --> 01:25:09,104 "he had a tear in his eye and he said, 1964 01:25:09,145 --> 01:25:10,898 'Which one of you kids sat down 1965 01:25:10,940 --> 01:25:13,859 and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself?' 1966 01:25:14,944 --> 01:25:16,695 "And I ate it all, Eddie! 1967 01:25:16,737 --> 01:25:19,322 "Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue, 1968 01:25:19,364 --> 01:25:22,743 "the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon, 1969 01:25:22,785 --> 01:25:25,037 "Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax. 1970 01:25:25,079 --> 01:25:26,580 "Eddie, I even ate those cheap 1971 01:25:26,622 --> 01:25:28,749 "purple motherfuckers after 'Go'... 1972 01:25:28,791 --> 01:25:30,375 "that nobody buys. I ate them. 1973 01:25:30,417 --> 01:25:32,628 "I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did. 1974 01:25:32,669 --> 01:25:35,213 "I did, and I sat down and ate my father's birthday cake too. 1975 01:25:35,255 --> 01:25:37,215 "No, it wasn't a cake. We couldn't afford a cake. 1976 01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:39,175 "It was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other. 1977 01:25:39,217 --> 01:25:41,845 "Two Etch-A-Sketch-- A Etch- A-Sketch cake. That's right. 1978 01:25:41,887 --> 01:25:44,098 "We couldn't afford no icing, so my mother would write 1979 01:25:44,139 --> 01:25:45,891 "'Happy Birthday Pop' on the front of the Etch-A-Sketch. 1980 01:25:45,933 --> 01:25:47,350 "Know how you made a wish? 1981 01:25:47,392 --> 01:25:48,852 "You shook it till the words disappeared, 1982 01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:50,479 "then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch, Eddie. 1983 01:25:50,520 --> 01:25:51,688 "And that was your birthday cake. 1984 01:25:51,730 --> 01:25:53,440 "And we never complained, Eddie. 1985 01:25:53,482 --> 01:25:55,734 "We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all. 1986 01:25:55,776 --> 01:25:57,945 "We would get dressed to go to school in the morning. 1987 01:25:57,987 --> 01:25:59,362 "Let me tell you about our clothes. 1988 01:25:59,404 --> 01:26:00,739 "We had to wear whatever my father 1989 01:26:00,781 --> 01:26:02,116 "brought home from work, Eddie. 1990 01:26:02,157 --> 01:26:03,533 "We wore the toys! 1991 01:26:03,575 --> 01:26:05,160 "Each day my mother would wake up 1992 01:26:05,201 --> 01:26:07,329 "and open 11 Twister games, Eddie. 1993 01:26:07,370 --> 01:26:09,247 "And she would roll the Twister mats on the floor. 1994 01:26:09,289 --> 01:26:11,000 "Me and my 11 brothers and sisters 1995 01:26:11,041 --> 01:26:13,127 "would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit. 1996 01:26:13,168 --> 01:26:14,753 "And then we'd get a Hot Wheels racetrack 1997 01:26:14,795 --> 01:26:16,755 "and put that around our waist as a belt, Eddie. 1998 01:26:16,797 --> 01:26:18,632 "And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning. 1999 01:26:18,674 --> 01:26:20,383 "And if there was no Johnny Lightning, 2000 01:26:20,425 --> 01:26:22,803 "we ripped up a Hula Hoop and put that around our waist. 2001 01:26:22,845 --> 01:26:24,220 "Other children would make fun of us 2002 01:26:24,262 --> 01:26:25,889 "because we got on Twister suits. 2003 01:26:25,931 --> 01:26:28,183 "And it's no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat. 2004 01:26:28,224 --> 01:26:29,726 "Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. 2005 01:26:29,768 --> 01:26:31,603 "It was a goddamn game to these kids. 2006 01:26:31,645 --> 01:26:33,063 "I'm standing on the corner, 2007 01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:34,397 "a motherfucker is spinning the spinner 2008 01:26:34,439 --> 01:26:36,150 "and kicking my ass, Eddie. 2009 01:26:36,191 --> 01:26:37,651 "Then I gotta go to school 2010 01:26:37,693 --> 01:26:39,361 "and watch the other children eat real food. 2011 01:26:39,402 --> 01:26:41,196 "I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, 2012 01:26:41,237 --> 01:26:43,115 "bologna and Swiss, ham and cheese. 2013 01:26:43,157 --> 01:26:45,617 "I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich. 2014 01:26:45,659 --> 01:26:47,202 "Then, for dessert, 2015 01:26:47,243 --> 01:26:48,954 "they're going to pull out a Hostess cupcake 2016 01:26:48,996 --> 01:26:51,665 "and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky? 2017 01:26:51,707 --> 01:26:54,835 "A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys, 2018 01:26:54,877 --> 01:26:57,046 "every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song, 2019 01:26:57,087 --> 01:26:58,714 "it make me sick to my stomach. 2020 01:26:58,755 --> 01:27:00,674 They walk downstairs alone and in pairs ♪ 2021 01:27:00,716 --> 01:27:02,425 And make a clinkety sound ♪ 2022 01:27:02,467 --> 01:27:04,386 A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing ♪ 2023 01:27:04,427 --> 01:27:06,221 Everyone knows it's Slinky ♪ 2024 01:27:06,262 --> 01:27:09,432 A Slinky, a Slinky, a wonderful, wonderful toy ♪ 2025 01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:12,602 A Slinky, a Slinky, they're fun for a girl and a boy ♪ 2026 01:27:12,644 --> 01:27:15,022 Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you. 2027 01:27:15,064 --> 01:27:17,191 ( cheering ) 2028 01:27:17,232 --> 01:27:20,903 ( upbeat dance theme plays ) 2029 01:27:32,831 --> 01:27:34,290 Raw ♪ 2030 01:27:52,851 --> 01:27:54,436 Raw ♪ 2031 01:28:09,201 --> 01:28:10,786 Raw ♪ 2032 01:28:57,874 --> 01:28:59,626 Raw ♪ 2033 01:30:15,409 --> 01:30:18,412 ( upbeat dance theme fades )