1
00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:39,916
(INTRO TO WOMAN BY WOLFMOTHER PLAYING)
2
00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:45,547
Woman, you know you're a woman
3
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,048
You got to be...
4
00:00:47,132 --> 00:00:50,051
- There she is. Hey.
- Hi, guys.
5
00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:52,178
JESS:
All right, baby girl. You go, baby girl.
6
00:00:52,262 --> 00:00:54,222
You go, baby girl. You go, you go get it.
7
00:00:54,723 --> 00:00:56,808
- (CHEERING)
- Yes!
8
00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:58,852
- You're my baby...
- BOTH: Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba...
9
00:00:59,269 --> 00:01:00,270
JESS: No, no, no, don't make it.
10
00:01:00,979 --> 00:01:02,230
- Oh!
- Damn it!
11
00:01:02,313 --> 00:01:04,566
Oh... Yes!
12
00:01:04,649 --> 00:01:07,152
- (GAGS) Nope. I absolute...
- I got this. I got this.
13
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,778
- I absolutely can't do it.
- Come on, Jess!
14
00:01:08,862 --> 00:01:10,989
But remember, this is
a stupid frat boy ritual, so...
15
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,240
Yeah, but kick their ass! (WHOOPS)
16
00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:13,533
- Yeah, fuck 'em up!
- Hey.
17
00:01:13,616 --> 00:01:14,576
- We're together.
- No.
18
00:01:14,659 --> 00:01:16,453
Cool, cool, cool.
19
00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:19,998
- (CHEERING, GROANING)
- JESS: Yes.
20
00:01:20,665 --> 00:01:23,042
- (SCREAMING, WHOOPING)
- MAN: Yeah, go, Jess!
21
00:01:23,543 --> 00:01:25,545
- Dude!
- (LAUGHING)
22
00:01:25,712 --> 00:01:27,589
Oh, God. Oh, God, Jess.
23
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,841
Only two cups left.
24
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,343
No, there's one cup.
You're just seeing double.
25
00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:35,388
Oh, God! There's only one cups left.
26
00:01:35,472 --> 00:01:37,307
- Oh, I can't do it. It's too much pressure.
- What?
27
00:01:37,390 --> 00:01:38,808
- I can't do it, Jess.
- Look...
28
00:01:38,892 --> 00:01:40,643
- Look at me. Look at me.
- Mmm-hmm?
29
00:01:40,727 --> 00:01:42,562
You got us through the Wendy's drive-through
30
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,647
when my car had no windshield
and three tires.
31
00:01:44,731 --> 00:01:46,107
(WHISPERS) You can do anything.
32
00:01:46,191 --> 00:01:47,776
(WHISPERING)
Yeah, but everybody's watching me,
33
00:01:47,859 --> 00:01:49,819
and I'm sweating like crazy.
34
00:01:49,903 --> 00:01:52,071
I look like a princess,
but I smell like a peasant.
35
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:54,449
Let's go, foot job girl!
36
00:01:55,408 --> 00:01:58,203
Excuse me, she has a name! It's Alice.
37
00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:01,998
And she's my best friend,
and she's good and kind.
38
00:02:02,081 --> 00:02:03,291
BOTH: Yeah!
39
00:02:03,541 --> 00:02:06,586
Thank you,
but I did jerk off his roommate with my feet.
40
00:02:06,711 --> 00:02:08,129
I... I know.
41
00:02:08,213 --> 00:02:11,716
The key is, right foot only for,
like, a while.
42
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,719
- You know? Make him beg for...
- The left one. I know. Focus!
43
00:02:15,428 --> 00:02:20,099
If we win this, we will be the only girls
to ever win the Halloween tournament.
44
00:02:20,225 --> 00:02:21,392
(WHISPERS) We've got to do this.
45
00:02:22,769 --> 00:02:24,604
For womankind.
46
00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:30,068
Stop making me horny, and shoot!
47
00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,823
MAN: (RAPPING)
Everybody in this bitch gettin' tipsy...
48
00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:38,117
(DISTORTED WHOOSHING)
49
00:02:40,745 --> 00:02:42,747
(CHEERING)
50
00:02:44,749 --> 00:02:46,209
ALICE AND JESS:
We did it! We did it! We did it!
51
00:02:46,292 --> 00:02:48,336
- I want up! I want up! I want up!
- You deserve it.
52
00:02:48,419 --> 00:02:49,420
You've earned it.
53
00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:52,590
(WHOOPING, CHEERING)
54
00:02:52,841 --> 00:02:55,969
Here we go. All right. All right, yes!
55
00:02:57,470 --> 00:02:58,638
I'm the king of the world!
56
00:02:58,763 --> 00:02:59,764
(THUMP)
57
00:02:59,931 --> 00:03:00,932
ALL: Oh!
58
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,935
BLAIR: Oh. Again?
59
00:03:04,060 --> 00:03:05,770
- FRANKIE: Dude. Oh, God.
- BLAIR: Jess?
60
00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:06,896
WOMAN: Are you all right?
61
00:03:06,980 --> 00:03:09,816
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Dude. Come on. Come on.
62
00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:12,944
- I'm fine, Mom.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
63
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,737
What happened?
64
00:03:16,114 --> 00:03:18,241
Honestly, I don't even know
why we go to these stupid parties.
65
00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:19,534
I just want to hang out with you guys.
66
00:03:19,617 --> 00:03:20,910
- I know. I feel the same way.
- Yes!
67
00:03:20,994 --> 00:03:23,663
Everyone else at this college
is sloppy and gross.
68
00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:25,164
- BLAIR: Water.
- Wait, come here.
69
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:26,291
Oh.
70
00:03:26,416 --> 00:03:28,293
- Ugh!
- Mmm. Not bad.
71
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,836
- ALICE: Who's grosser?
- (RHYTHMIC WHIRRING)
72
00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:31,212
What is that?
73
00:03:31,296 --> 00:03:32,338
- What is that?
- What's happening?
74
00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:35,675
Oh, it's my vibrator,
it randomly turns on and off.
75
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,635
(ALL LAUGHING)
76
00:03:39,721 --> 00:03:43,349
Oh, my God, you guys,
I'm gonna miss you so much next semester.
77
00:03:43,474 --> 00:03:44,934
- I don't want to talk about it.
- It's sad.
78
00:03:45,018 --> 00:03:46,227
- No, no, no, no.
- FRANKIE: Dude,
79
00:03:46,311 --> 00:03:48,396
Al Gore is guest-lecturing next semester.
80
00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:50,356
Maybe you don't want to go to Australia.
I don't know.
81
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,525
- Yeah.
- On my 21st birthday, though,
82
00:03:52,859 --> 00:03:54,235
my dad's getting us the chopper.
83
00:03:54,319 --> 00:03:55,904
I said I don't want to talk about it.
84
00:03:55,987 --> 00:03:57,405
So I don't know what's happening.
85
00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:58,907
I don't even want to go. I just...
86
00:03:58,990 --> 00:04:01,492
It was so hard to get into
the political science program.
87
00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:04,037
And plus, my gym class
is bungee jumping, so...
88
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,413
Oh, my God, wear a good bra.
89
00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:08,249
Well, look, we'll have
all of senior year together,
90
00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:11,044
and then we'll have
the rest of our lives together, so it's fine.
91
00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:12,921
- BLAIR: Yeah.
- You promise?
92
00:04:13,004 --> 00:04:16,299
You guys, our kids are gonna play together.
93
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:18,259
- FRANKIE: Oh, my God!
- Oh, my gosh!
94
00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:20,678
- We're so lucky!
- ALICE: Get in here! Come here.
95
00:04:20,762 --> 00:04:22,764
- Oh. Mmm!
- (RHYTHMIC WHIRRING)
96
00:04:22,847 --> 00:04:25,600
- FRANKIE: Okay, that is a second vibrator.
- Yeah, I have a few.
97
00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:26,893
Just... Just, yeah.
98
00:04:28,186 --> 00:04:29,604
- BLAIR: No!
- JESS: Janine, no!
99
00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,314
- No! No! No!
- Janine, get out!
100
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:32,899
- Come on.
- Janine!
101
00:04:32,982 --> 00:04:33,983
Oh, my God! Stop!
102
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,652
- Bathroom is next-door!
- Cannot believe!
103
00:04:35,735 --> 00:04:37,779
- Every damn weekend with this!
- Stop! She's already peeing.
104
00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:39,030
ALICE: Janine!
105
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,698
MAN: (SINGING) Whoo!
106
00:04:41,199 --> 00:04:42,533
What! What!
107
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,871
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
108
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:51,709
Hi. I'm Jessica Thayer,
and I'm running for state senate.
109
00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:55,254
Crime, underfunded schools, sewage.
110
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:58,424
These are real problems
that our community is facing.
111
00:04:58,925 --> 00:05:02,053
Looking forward to your vote on November 3.
112
00:05:02,387 --> 00:05:03,972
Thank you.
113
00:05:05,390 --> 00:05:08,434
- It's great.
- Well, 60% of the focus group
114
00:05:08,518 --> 00:05:10,561
did say that it seemed
like you wouldn't put out.
115
00:05:10,895 --> 00:05:13,231
What? Why are they being asked that?
116
00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:15,817
Don't know, but 60% is, like, a lot.
117
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:17,902
- Yeah.
- We're still so close.
118
00:05:17,986 --> 00:05:21,114
I don't understand,
Wesson literally tweeted out a dick pic.
119
00:05:21,197 --> 00:05:22,156
He apologized.
120
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,034
Yes. He said, "I'm sorry, wrong dick pic,"
121
00:05:25,118 --> 00:05:27,328
- and then he tweeted out another one.
- (GRUNTS)
122
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:30,957
Look, if Wesson wins, he's literally
gonna cut every single program
123
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,542
that actually helps people.
124
00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:34,127
We know that. Right?
125
00:05:34,252 --> 00:05:36,713
But people want to vote
for someone they can relate to.
126
00:05:36,921 --> 00:05:38,339
They feel safe with Wesson.
127
00:05:38,423 --> 00:05:39,674
They want to have a beer with him.
128
00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:44,012
I'm not sure anyone
wants to have a beer with that.
129
00:05:46,014 --> 00:05:47,015
(GROANS)
130
00:05:47,098 --> 00:05:49,142
- (RINGTONE PLAYING)
- Oh.
131
00:05:50,226 --> 00:05:51,185
Hey, Alice.
132
00:05:51,269 --> 00:05:54,522
Hey. I am so excited for this trip.
133
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:56,899
I got my IUD taken out for Miami.
134
00:05:56,983 --> 00:05:58,735
Um, is that a good idea?
135
00:05:58,818 --> 00:06:00,737
Uh, yeah. It's your bachelorette weekend.
136
00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:02,697
Jess, Wesson tweeted out another dick pic,
137
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:04,615
and it's already got 10,000 retweets.
138
00:06:04,699 --> 00:06:06,409
Alice, I... I got to call you back.
139
00:06:06,784 --> 00:06:07,785
(BEEP)
140
00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:11,873
Tulum, give her back her Kindle!
141
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,459
Every fuckin' day.
142
00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:16,961
♪♪
143
00:06:20,256 --> 00:06:23,051
- Hey.
- Mmm. Hey.
144
00:06:23,134 --> 00:06:26,345
I'm so sorry. I got stuck at the office.
145
00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:27,972
It's okay.
146
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,849
BOTH: Mmm.
147
00:06:29,932 --> 00:06:32,894
- I got you chicken cashew nut, extra nut.
- Oh, no.
148
00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:34,896
I ate an apple
149
00:06:34,979 --> 00:06:38,232
and a bag of very, very
stale pretzels at the office.
150
00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,234
It was so hard to get extra nut.
151
00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:43,071
That woman is so mean.
She yells at me all the time.
152
00:06:43,154 --> 00:06:44,906
She thought I hung up,
but I heard her call me a dipshit.
153
00:06:44,989 --> 00:06:48,076
- How much did you tip?
- 20%.
154
00:06:48,159 --> 00:06:51,162
- I know. I know, I know.
- Yeah. Like, I couldn't. I...
155
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,081
- You're just such a good person.
- (RINGTONE PLAYING)
156
00:06:54,082 --> 00:06:55,917
Oh, it's Alice. I forgot to call her back.
157
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,669
- It's okay, get it.
- No. I can't, I can't, I can't.
158
00:06:58,753 --> 00:07:00,963
- Enough with my bachelorette itinerary.
- Ah.
159
00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:02,590
- Like, she's planned it to the half hour.
- Wow.
160
00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:06,761
Yeah, I feel like this weekend
has come at the worst possible time.
161
00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:08,096
I'm so stressed out.
162
00:07:08,179 --> 00:07:09,889
You'll see your friends, you'll have fun.
163
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:10,973
It'll be restorative.
164
00:07:11,057 --> 00:07:13,184
Like that time we took Xanax
and slept for 16 hours.
165
00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,061
Oh, God, that was good.
166
00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,854
(SIGHS) You know, I love those girls,
167
00:07:16,938 --> 00:07:19,148
but I really just don't want to
have a party weekend right now.
168
00:07:19,232 --> 00:07:22,235
- Mmm-hmm.
- I want to have a weekend with you.
169
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,195
- I miss you.
- Mmm-hmm. I miss you, too.
170
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,114
- You've been at the office, like, nonstop.
- I know.
171
00:07:26,197 --> 00:07:27,198
Mmm.
172
00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:31,369
Mmm. Mmm.
173
00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:34,038
Wait, wait, one... If we keep kissing,
174
00:07:34,122 --> 00:07:35,498
I'm gonna want to have sex.
175
00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:36,833
I'm okay with that.
176
00:07:36,916 --> 00:07:38,292
- I'm down.
- Okay.
177
00:07:38,376 --> 00:07:41,921
But I have, like, four things
I have to do before.
178
00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:44,841
I just have to print out those itineraries
for the city council meeting.
179
00:07:44,924 --> 00:07:46,801
And I have to email the Herald.
180
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:50,304
I have, like, a 25-minute-ish interview.
181
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:51,597
- Ooh. Okay.
- I...
182
00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:54,142
I tell you what,
I'm gonna let you do all that,
183
00:07:54,225 --> 00:07:56,394
and I'm gonna go masturbate
in the shower and go to sleep.
184
00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,147
- Really?
- Yeah.
185
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:01,566
- You're the best.
- Well...
186
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:04,068
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
187
00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:09,031
- JESS: So, I texted you the address.
- ALICE: Jess! Shots! Shots!
188
00:08:09,115 --> 00:08:11,367
Shots, shots, shots, shots! Shots! Shots!
189
00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:13,870
- Shots, shots, shots!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
190
00:08:13,995 --> 00:08:16,956
- ALICE: Yay! Yes!
- (BOTH LAUGH)
191
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:18,374
Oh, my God.
192
00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,668
- What's on my head?
- This is it.
193
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,420
Your bachelorette weekend.
194
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:25,548
I have been waiting for this moment
since the first day of freshman year.
195
00:08:26,007 --> 00:08:28,092
- Get in here.
- You have?
196
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:31,637
Oh, my God, there's gonna be
so many hot Miami babes.
197
00:08:31,721 --> 00:08:33,598
We are gonna be swimmin' in dick, girl!
198
00:08:34,098 --> 00:08:35,641
Hi, Alice.
199
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,351
- Peter. Hi.
- Hey.
200
00:08:37,435 --> 00:08:39,061
And get out of here, she's mine now.
201
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:42,523
Don't get in too much trouble, okay?
202
00:08:42,732 --> 00:08:44,984
- Yeah, I won't.
- Let's go, let's do it.
203
00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:46,736
Drive safe.
Have fun at your bachelor party, okay?
204
00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:47,904
Will do.
205
00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:49,530
Hey, Alice, be careful swimming
in all that dick.
206
00:08:49,614 --> 00:08:51,073
ALICE: What are you? Okay, bye.
207
00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:53,117
I'm so happy to see you.
208
00:08:53,451 --> 00:08:55,912
Oh, this weekend's gonna be so much fun.
209
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,955
Can't wait to see my girls!
210
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:01,542
When the pepper spray
hits your face, and it will,
211
00:09:01,626 --> 00:09:03,711
keep your mouth closed tight.
212
00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:05,880
- We are peaceful protestors.
- Yes!
213
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,382
Yet we fight, you know? Yet we are strong!
214
00:09:08,466 --> 00:09:09,967
- Yeah! Yeah!
- This is war!
215
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:12,845
- (ALARM BEEPING)
- Okay, I got to head to a bachelorette.
216
00:09:13,137 --> 00:09:15,973
But if anybody from the group disappears
from the protest,
217
00:09:16,057 --> 00:09:18,309
you text my cell phone immediately.
218
00:09:19,477 --> 00:09:20,728
You have a cell phone?
219
00:09:21,062 --> 00:09:22,730
- Uh, no.
- You're one of them!
220
00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:23,814
(FRANKIE GROANS)
221
00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:26,817
I'll pick you up after school
on Monday, okay, sweetie?
222
00:09:27,276 --> 00:09:29,403
Mommy, do you have to go to Miami?
223
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,114
Yes, I really do.
224
00:09:32,198 --> 00:09:34,450
But I'm gonna miss you so much.
225
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:37,078
Technically, my time started 20 minutes ago,
226
00:09:37,161 --> 00:09:39,997
so, going to note this
for the custody hearing.
227
00:09:41,791 --> 00:09:44,835
Mmm. I love you. Mwah! Mwah!
228
00:09:45,503 --> 00:09:46,545
Bye.
229
00:09:46,629 --> 00:09:47,880
♪♪
230
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,682
Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
231
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,767
I know you can't control
yourself any longer...
232
00:09:59,934 --> 00:10:01,727
♪♪
233
00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:04,063
Well, well, well.
234
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:06,232
Damn.
235
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,817
Damn.
236
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:09,151
How do you do it?
237
00:10:09,235 --> 00:10:11,779
How do you look
this flawless getting off a plane?
238
00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:13,281
It's honestly rude.
239
00:10:13,364 --> 00:10:14,740
What, are you flirting with me?
240
00:10:15,241 --> 00:10:17,868
I would not flirt with a happily
married woman who broke my heart.
241
00:10:17,952 --> 00:10:20,788
Oh, my God, you broke up with me,
don't even start with that.
242
00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:24,125
Excuse me,
now you are flirting with me, okay?
243
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:25,960
It's good to see you.
244
00:10:26,711 --> 00:10:28,129
It's good to see you, too.
245
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:30,464
Girl, I have had a day.
246
00:10:30,548 --> 00:10:34,093
First was full, I had to ride business.
It was disgusting.
247
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,386
(LAUGHS)
248
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:38,264
- Gross.
- You're serious. Okay. Cool.
249
00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:42,059
Oh, my God, did you hear
Alice is making us go to a foam party?
250
00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:43,185
Ugh! I know.
251
00:10:43,269 --> 00:10:45,313
She has a scary amount of time on her hands.
252
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,940
Even though she's a full-time teacher,
I'm still like, "Get a job."
253
00:10:48,024 --> 00:10:49,525
Do you have a job?
254
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:53,070
Activism is a full-time job, but...
255
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,156
- Also no.
- Mmm-hmm.
256
00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:57,158
Look at them, the magic is still there.
257
00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:58,367
- Hello!
- Hello!
258
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:01,037
- Hi!
- Hi! Yes! Yes!
259
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,247
(SHOUTS, LAUGHTER)
260
00:11:03,331 --> 00:11:06,167
- Oh, my God!
- It is all happening!
261
00:11:06,292 --> 00:11:08,294
Mmm! God, you smell so good.
262
00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:10,504
- I have, like, half a pound of weed in my bra.
- Ah.
263
00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:14,508
- Hey, Alice, how's your mom?
- Well, Alzheimer's is tough, but she's good.
264
00:11:14,592 --> 00:11:15,760
Good.
265
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,512
The Wallace 5th Floor Girls
are back together again!
266
00:11:18,596 --> 00:11:20,514
(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)
267
00:11:20,598 --> 00:11:22,391
God, when was the last time
we were all together?
268
00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:23,976
I think it was two summers ago
269
00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:25,770
when we came to visit you
in your tree, right?
270
00:11:25,895 --> 00:11:27,980
No, no, no, 'cause Jess
couldn't make it, it was, uh,
271
00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:29,857
New Year's Eve, when Blair was in labor.
272
00:11:30,316 --> 00:11:32,902
- Oh, my God. Crazy.
- God, that was three years ago, then.
273
00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:34,820
Yeah. Well, we only have 55 hours,
274
00:11:34,904 --> 00:11:37,656
so let's stop wasting our motherfucking time
275
00:11:37,782 --> 00:11:39,784
and let's get the party started.
276
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,411
- Yes!
- Alice, you rock!
277
00:11:42,495 --> 00:11:44,080
- The party starts now.
- (CORK POPS)
278
00:11:44,163 --> 00:11:46,123
(PANICKED SHOUTS, SCREAMS)
279
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,126
Oh, my God. That was a bad idea.
280
00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:51,128
- Yeah, we're in an airport.
- That was bad.
281
00:11:51,212 --> 00:11:52,880
- That sounded like a gunshot.
- Yeah.
282
00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:54,006
- Let's go.
- Yep.
283
00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:55,091
JESS: Sorry. Our bad.
284
00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:56,300
ALICE: Sorry, everyone, bachelorette weekend.
285
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:59,929
FRANKIE: I was never here! Never! Move!
286
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:02,515
(CONGA PLAYING)
287
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,767
♪♪
288
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,647
Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
289
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,232
I know you can't control yourself any longer
290
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:12,733
- BLAIR: Ooh.
- FRANKIE: Wow.
291
00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:15,861
- ALICE: Nice Miami house, mami.
- BLAIR: Very nice.
292
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,905
- FRANKIE: Oh, gracias.
- JESS: Um...
293
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:20,991
We are supposed to pick up
the keys from the neighbors.
294
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,244
ALICE: Did you bring a bathing suit?
295
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:24,537
- JESS: Hello?
- ALICE: The beach is nice.
296
00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:25,621
Hi.
297
00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:27,456
Sorry, somebody left some keys for...
298
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:29,250
- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, sorry, we'll come back.
299
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,168
- So sorry.
- LEA: Oh, hi, girls.
300
00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:32,837
No, no, I'm sorry.
301
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:35,214
Let me put something on.
302
00:12:35,506 --> 00:12:36,507
FRANKIE: Oh.
303
00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:38,092
- LEA: Come on in.
- Very funny.
304
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,385
- Is it really?
- I love it.
305
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:40,970
- Hello.
- Hi.
306
00:12:41,053 --> 00:12:42,930
- Thank you. Oh.
- Hi. Oh.
307
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:44,056
Okay.
308
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:45,266
What brings you to Miami?
309
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,685
Business? Pleasure?
310
00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:49,478
The business of pleasure?
311
00:12:49,687 --> 00:12:51,397
Oh, bachelorette weekend.
312
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,691
- Jess is getting married.
- Ah.
313
00:12:53,858 --> 00:12:55,526
- Congratulations!
- JESS: Thank you.
314
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:56,861
This marriage, will it be open?
315
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,113
You know, we haven't discussed it.
316
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,115
But, probably closed. Yeah.
317
00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:02,992
Tightly, tightly closed.
318
00:13:03,075 --> 00:13:05,786
Lea, does she not remind you
319
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:08,038
of our French girl from Turks and Caicos?
320
00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:10,541
- Oh.
- She does.
321
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:12,418
Thank you. Thanks.
322
00:13:13,878 --> 00:13:16,046
Well, we're gonna try to keep it down.
323
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:18,007
- BLAIR: Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, well, we'll try not to.
324
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:19,550
- ALICE: Oh.
- (LAUGHTER)
325
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:20,759
Ah! Yes!
326
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:21,886
- They're serious.
- Go. Go, go, downstairs.
327
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,430
She is delicious.
328
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,891
- I want that.
- Mmm.
329
00:13:28,142 --> 00:13:30,060
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
330
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:32,563
Ooh, yes.
331
00:13:32,897 --> 00:13:35,483
Oh, Real World, baby! Miami!
332
00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:38,319
Ew. This house represents everything I hate.
333
00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:39,987
I'm gonna go take a protest dump.
334
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,031
I call the room next to Jess! Ah.
335
00:13:42,406 --> 00:13:43,866
Oh, I think that room has bunk beds,
336
00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,075
so you're gonna have to share with Pippa.
337
00:13:45,493 --> 00:13:46,535
Uh, who that?
338
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:49,413
Pippa, my Australian friend
from semester abroad.
339
00:13:49,497 --> 00:13:51,207
She's been CC'd on, like, every single email.
340
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:52,917
Oh, right.
341
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,877
Well, if my snoring bothers her,
she can take the couch.
342
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,879
Or she can just start on the couch
and we'll go from there.
343
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,589
We'll figure it out.
She'll start on the couch.
344
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:01,091
- JESS: Blair.
- What?
345
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:04,345
Can you be careful with the red wine
on the white carpet, please?
346
00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:06,555
My biggest and only donor
347
00:14:06,639 --> 00:14:08,474
generously lent us this house
for the weekend.
348
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,268
- So, please be careful.
- Okay.
349
00:14:11,352 --> 00:14:13,854
I'm telling you, she's got bigger problems
than a wine stain
350
00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:16,440
if she wants to sell this place
for 3.4 in this market.
351
00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:18,734
- How do you know that?
- Zillow.
352
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,903
- I Zillow everybody.
- Really?
353
00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:23,113
Like, do you know how much my house is worth?
354
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,824
- Mmm-hmm.
- ALICE: Okay, atención.
355
00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:27,660
Bachelorette kit time.
356
00:14:27,785 --> 00:14:28,953
Let me get your attention.
357
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,371
We got it all.
358
00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:33,082
Bride-to-be bathrobe for our lovely Jess,
359
00:14:33,374 --> 00:14:37,545
penis straws, penis sunglasses,
penis sprinkles, penis gum,
360
00:14:37,628 --> 00:14:39,547
penis hats, penis pasta.
361
00:14:39,630 --> 00:14:41,799
And yes, I did get a little
drunk and ate some of that dry.
362
00:14:42,383 --> 00:14:44,385
- Don't judge.
- No judgment.
363
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,971
Also, I wrote you a card.
But don't read it now, read it later.
364
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:48,931
- Thanks, Alice.
- Yeah.
365
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:50,599
(FRANKIE SCREAMS UPSTAIRS)
366
00:14:50,808 --> 00:14:52,977
Oh, shit. Frankie?
367
00:14:53,811 --> 00:14:55,896
- Frankie?
- Frankie.
368
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,398
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
369
00:14:58,357 --> 00:14:59,483
- What?
- JESS: Oh!
370
00:14:59,567 --> 00:15:01,402
- BLAIR: Oh, my God.
- FRANKIE: Oh, yes, mami.
371
00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:03,153
Is that a sex swing?
372
00:15:03,237 --> 00:15:05,406
Ooh, your donor is a freak, Jess.
373
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:07,199
Please. She rents this house out.
374
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:09,076
I'm sure somebody else
left it here accidentally.
375
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:11,745
And installed a load-bearing beam
to support it accidentally.
376
00:15:11,829 --> 00:15:13,080
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, Jess.
377
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,748
I want to audition some dresses for tonight.
378
00:15:14,832 --> 00:15:16,333
I brought 14. Come on!
379
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:17,418
WOMAN: (SINGING) Yeah, I wanna burn
380
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:19,461
Break, crash, explode
381
00:15:19,545 --> 00:15:22,214
Every time you look at me, you look at me...
382
00:15:22,298 --> 00:15:23,257
Jess, if you are working,
383
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,217
- I'm gonna smack you in the face right now.
- I'm not. I'm not.
384
00:15:25,301 --> 00:15:26,427
- One second.
- I'm gonna smack your face.
385
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,679
- Wait, wait, let me send it. Send, send, send.
- Put it down.
386
00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:30,598
All right, come on, let's take a picture.
387
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:33,392
- Say, um, "Miami forever."
- Uh, forever.
388
00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:34,602
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- (ALICE CHUCKLES)
389
00:15:34,685 --> 00:15:37,104
- You want us in the picture or not?
- Do you guys want us in the photo...
390
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:39,023
- We're here, too.
- ALICE: Oh, my gosh,
391
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,107
- we both look killer in that.
- Cool.
392
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,984
I'm so bummed I can't tag you
in this, on Facebook.
393
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:43,402
Why did you delete your account?
394
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,279
I had to. You were, you were tagging me
395
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,698
- on things that could literally ruin my career.
- (LAUGHS)
396
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:48,991
- Yeah.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
397
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:50,492
It's Pip! She's here!
398
00:15:50,576 --> 00:15:52,620
- What? Who's that?
- Hi!
399
00:15:52,703 --> 00:15:53,829
- JESS: Pip!
- Oh.
400
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,205
(SQUEALS SOFTLY)
401
00:15:55,873 --> 00:15:57,041
Sorry. Whoops.
402
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,167
- I'm sorry. Whoops.
- MAN: Hey.
403
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,503
Hello, hello, hello.
404
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:02,963
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
405
00:16:03,047 --> 00:16:04,048
(BOTH SQUEAL)
406
00:16:04,632 --> 00:16:08,302
- (LAUGHS)
- You're a goddess. You're literally a goddess.
407
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,595
- Guys...
- Hi.
408
00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,555
This is Pippa.
409
00:16:11,639 --> 00:16:12,973
- Hello.
- BLAIR: The famous...
410
00:16:13,057 --> 00:16:14,892
Frankie, Blair, Alice.
411
00:16:15,059 --> 00:16:16,226
Hey, what's up?
412
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,562
My God, you guys are meeting
for the first time, this is so exciting.
413
00:16:18,646 --> 00:16:20,189
- I know.
- Nice to meet you.
414
00:16:20,272 --> 00:16:23,984
This is so weird, you guys,
because it's sort of like
415
00:16:24,068 --> 00:16:26,695
you're all Jess's best friends,
I'm Jess's best friend.
416
00:16:26,779 --> 00:16:30,616
And so it's sort of like
we're all already best friends, you know?
417
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:33,035
Well, it's a little different for us,
sorry to interrupt,
418
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:35,996
but, uh, Jess and I were
freshman year roommates,
419
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,415
so it's kind of like family. Eh.
420
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:41,835
- I know, I know.
- Um, okay, I'm going to grab a chair.
421
00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,212
Feel free to gel.
422
00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:45,089
PIPPA: Just gonna sit on my suitcase here.
423
00:16:45,381 --> 00:16:47,216
Ooh. I'm famished.
424
00:16:47,299 --> 00:16:49,218
- Do you want my leftovers?
- Oh, shoot. We just finished.
425
00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:50,886
No, I was gonna wrap that up
and take it to go.
426
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,429
I think we're done. Check, please!
427
00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:56,725
It's okay. I'm just gonna take
some of this bread from the bread basket.
428
00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:59,395
When you got bread and Vegemite,
you got yourself a meal.
429
00:16:59,478 --> 00:17:00,979
What? Vegemite?
430
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,315
They should call you cuckoos
instead of Kiwis.
431
00:17:03,399 --> 00:17:04,525
Am I right?
432
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:05,734
- Alice.
- Oh, my God.
433
00:17:05,818 --> 00:17:07,236
That's funny on several levels,
434
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:10,447
because I'm actually Australian
and a Kiwi is a New Zealander.
435
00:17:10,781 --> 00:17:13,492
There's nothing wrong with being a Kiwi,
we all love Kiwis,
436
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:16,704
but, um, it's sort of like calling
a Chinese person Japanese.
437
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:18,539
It's just sort of like, little bit racist
438
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:21,417
to not recognize the cultural
differences there, you know?
439
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:22,626
Oh, my gosh.
440
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,795
Eat me out. It's a fruit, Kiwi.
441
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,630
(LAUGHS) I'll take it.
442
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,257
Pippa, what do you do?
443
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:31,343
Well, singer-songwriter is the dream.
444
00:17:31,427 --> 00:17:33,262
Uh, party clown is the reality.
445
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:36,640
- Hmm.
- Check. Just, anyone, a check.
446
00:17:37,141 --> 00:17:38,350
(WHISPERS) A chair.
447
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:40,060
(MOUTH FULL) Oh, a chair.
448
00:17:40,144 --> 00:17:42,396
Right. (SIGHS)
449
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:45,149
I'm so excited to see you. It's been so long.
450
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,900
- Tell me everything.
- I'm dying.
451
00:17:46,984 --> 00:17:49,319
The flight was literally amazoir.
452
00:17:49,403 --> 00:17:51,989
- (SILVERWARE TAPPING GLASS)
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, da-dang, ding, ding.
453
00:17:52,156 --> 00:17:54,032
Uh, it's toast, toast time.
454
00:17:54,158 --> 00:17:55,409
- JESS: Oh.
- (LAUGHS)
455
00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,828
Raise your glasses, Jess.
456
00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,164
Gosh, I can't believe you're getting married.
457
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,916
Feels like just yesterday you were showing me
458
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,794
how to hide that cat scratch on my face
with that cover-up.
459
00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:07,129
I remember that.
460
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:08,922
And even though we don't
get to see you all the time
461
00:18:09,006 --> 00:18:12,050
because you're so busy
with Peter and the campaign
462
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:15,220
and changing your Brita filters
or whatever it is you white people do,
463
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:19,016
(VOICE BREAKS) I love you,
and you're my best friend.
464
00:18:21,018 --> 00:18:24,188
Uh... To me and Jess.
465
00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,064
- Be-cheers.
- BLAIR: Cheers. Again.
466
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,357
I love you, Alice. Thank you.
467
00:18:27,858 --> 00:18:29,651
Three toasts is the limit tonight, though.
You're cut off.
468
00:18:29,735 --> 00:18:30,944
If you're gonna do another one, do it now,
469
00:18:31,028 --> 00:18:32,112
'cause I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
470
00:18:32,196 --> 00:18:34,281
- Do you want to come?
- Why would I come with you?
471
00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:36,366
It's a heteronormative thing that girls do.
472
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,952
ALICE: Okay, guys,
no one responded to my emails
473
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:40,746
about which club we were gonna go to,
474
00:18:40,829 --> 00:18:43,957
so I printed out the top 10
according to Yelp.
475
00:18:44,041 --> 00:18:47,294
I have my personal favorite,
but I don't want to sway anyone, so...
476
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,213
- Is it the one that's circled in big red?
- Yeah.
477
00:18:49,505 --> 00:18:53,926
I was kind of hoping that
we could make it an early night.
478
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:56,929
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right. What?
479
00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:59,348
- That doesn't feel right.
- No, I'm just so exhausted.
480
00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:00,641
I mean, I've been so overworked...
481
00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:02,684
No, not gonna happen, baby girl, all right?
482
00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:06,647
'Cause this is the biggest weekend
of our lives, all right?
483
00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:09,191
Ooh, girls. Ooh, girls.
484
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,943
Hi. I just got some coke from the busboy.
485
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:12,277
- You fucking what?
- What?
486
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:13,821
America. Already?
487
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:15,656
Sort of right on the nose.
488
00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:17,491
- Yes, okay, now we're talking.
- Ba-bam! Booyah!
489
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:18,742
Now, okay, I'm in. I'm in.
490
00:19:18,826 --> 00:19:21,745
Okay, guys, I can't do any cocaine.
491
00:19:21,829 --> 00:19:23,121
I'm running for office.
492
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,790
What? No one's gonna find out
you did a little coke...
493
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:27,167
- Stop.
- Did a little coke at your bachelorette.
494
00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:30,337
I haven't really done drugs
myself since I sort of...
495
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:33,549
I smoked this bit of shoji root
496
00:19:33,632 --> 00:19:36,969
on an excursion in the desert, and I died.
497
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,055
Anyway, I'm very jet-lagged,
498
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,598
so I will do cocaine, yes.
499
00:19:41,932 --> 00:19:43,600
- So everyone's in? Yep?
- Dope, dope, dope.
500
00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:45,602
You guys, hold on. I don't know.
501
00:19:45,686 --> 00:19:48,981
Stop being a stupid fucking cunt
and do a little fucking cocaine!
502
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,482
- (SILVERWARE CLATTERS)
- Jesus, Frankie.
503
00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:52,734
Sorry, I did a little bit of it.
504
00:19:53,277 --> 00:19:54,444
(SNIFFS)
505
00:19:54,528 --> 00:19:55,654
ALICE: Jess.
506
00:19:57,573 --> 00:19:59,074
It would mean...
507
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:01,076
(WHISPERS) Yeah.
508
00:20:01,994 --> 00:20:04,079
It would mean so much to me,
509
00:20:05,956 --> 00:20:08,876
if we could do a little bit
of cocaine together.
510
00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:10,836
♪♪
511
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:12,296
(ALL INHALING DEEPLY)
512
00:20:12,504 --> 00:20:14,715
- (GRUNTS) So disgusting!
- (FRANKIE COUGHING)
513
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:16,133
- Let me get a little more.
- Yep.
514
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:20,429
Before, I was very tired,
and now I'm sort of very awake.
515
00:20:21,305 --> 00:20:22,514
That's the cocaine.
516
00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:23,807
- (CHUCKLES) I figured.
- Yeah.
517
00:20:23,891 --> 00:20:26,143
I love this. I love Miami!
518
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:27,519
- Yeah, girl!
- Miami!
519
00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:30,147
(ALL WHOOPING)
520
00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:31,815
Whoo!
521
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:34,318
Okay, now put on these fucking sashes.
522
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,529
(TROUBLE BY NEON JUNGLE PLAYING)
523
00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:43,744
Trouble
524
00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:46,413
I don't look for trouble,
but trouble looks for me
525
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:50,250
And it's been waiting
around corners since I was 17
526
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:54,713
They say, "Here comes a hurricane
Trouble is her middle name"
527
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:57,716
But I don't look for trouble,
yeah, trouble looks for me
528
00:20:57,841 --> 00:20:58,800
Hey, hey
529
00:20:58,884 --> 00:21:01,053
I just want to live a quiet life
530
00:21:01,136 --> 00:21:02,846
I'll make an excellent wife
531
00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:05,682
Man, I swear I really try
532
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,435
But some boys, they just can't eat it whole
533
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,270
Trouble is my name, you know
534
00:21:10,354 --> 00:21:12,356
Trouble is my name, you know
535
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,899
(CHEERING)
536
00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:17,027
- Thank you!
- All right.
537
00:21:17,653 --> 00:21:19,655
(PIPPA VOCALIZING)
538
00:21:21,365 --> 00:21:22,366
Mmm.
539
00:21:22,699 --> 00:21:25,160
- (BURPS, GROANS)
- Oh, my God!
540
00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,995
- (SCREAMING)
- Yes, yes, yes!
541
00:21:27,079 --> 00:21:29,331
- Oh, my God!
- No, no, no.
542
00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:30,832
Man, it smells like barf over here.
543
00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:32,626
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- God!
544
00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:35,295
(KNOCKOUT BLURRY BY MARKAHOLIC PLAYING)
545
00:21:35,879 --> 00:21:37,047
Blurry
546
00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:41,593
Blurry, blurry
547
00:21:44,888 --> 00:21:46,390
Blurry
548
00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:50,227
Blurry, blurry
549
00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:52,354
Knock 'em back, one, two
550
00:21:52,437 --> 00:21:53,897
But it's gettin' kinda blurry
551
00:21:53,981 --> 00:21:55,315
Get blurry with it
552
00:21:55,399 --> 00:21:56,733
Got my eyes on you
553
00:21:56,817 --> 00:21:59,903
But you're gettin' kinda blurry,
no hurry with it
554
00:21:59,987 --> 00:22:02,114
Rock your body, and it all makes sense
555
00:22:02,239 --> 00:22:04,324
Got me up under your influence
556
00:22:04,408 --> 00:22:06,076
I'm getting us drinks.
557
00:22:06,159 --> 00:22:08,453
Knockout blurry, no worries
558
00:22:08,745 --> 00:22:11,957
You guys, you guys,
let's get Jess a stripper!
559
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,001
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
560
00:22:14,084 --> 00:22:15,168
Right?
561
00:22:15,252 --> 00:22:19,548
You guys, you guys, you guys,
male or female, though?
562
00:22:19,631 --> 00:22:21,717
Male. I'm thinking male for her.
563
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,094
- Yeah.
- Okay, I got it.
564
00:22:25,470 --> 00:22:27,472
Frankie, do you have a tampon?
565
00:22:27,556 --> 00:22:28,932
- I need one.
- Uh-huh, yup.
566
00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:30,684
- Thank you.
- Got one. Here we go.
567
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:33,729
What day of your flow are you on?
568
00:22:33,812 --> 00:22:36,106
Oh, no, no. It's our code.
569
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:38,275
In college, we would
ask each other for tampons
570
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,319
if some guy was skeezing us out
and we wanted to be saved.
571
00:22:41,403 --> 00:22:43,196
You just say "tampon," and they run.
572
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,781
PIPPA: Oh, my God, I love that.
573
00:22:44,865 --> 00:22:48,201
I used to use tampons,
but now I use David cups.
574
00:22:48,285 --> 00:22:50,787
- You mean DivaCups.
- No, no, David.
575
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:52,998
They were designed by my neighbor, David,
576
00:22:53,081 --> 00:22:55,709
to collect blood for an art
installation he's doing.
577
00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:57,961
Let's stop talking about periods now.
578
00:22:58,128 --> 00:22:59,296
Cool.
579
00:22:59,379 --> 00:23:03,175
All right, everybody, we have a special
request from a Caucasian named
580
00:23:03,258 --> 00:23:04,843
- (SINGSONGY) Alice!
- (CHEERING)
581
00:23:04,968 --> 00:23:07,345
That's me. I'm Caucasian Alice.
582
00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:09,222
Bring all your girls up here. Grab 'em.
583
00:23:09,306 --> 00:23:10,807
Jess, come on. Come on.
584
00:23:10,891 --> 00:23:14,144
Give her the drinks. Go on.
Girls, get up there.
585
00:23:14,978 --> 00:23:17,814
We won the talent show freshman year
with this little routine.
586
00:23:17,898 --> 00:23:20,484
Might want to stand back.
No, physically, get back!
587
00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:22,194
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
588
00:23:22,277 --> 00:23:24,404
If you didn't go to college with us,
you're not in the routine.
589
00:23:24,488 --> 00:23:25,572
Okay, get into places.
590
00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:26,823
(WHOOPS)
591
00:23:27,324 --> 00:23:30,160
All you ladies pop your pussy like this
592
00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:32,245
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
593
00:23:32,329 --> 00:23:34,748
All you ladies pop your pussy like this
594
00:23:34,915 --> 00:23:36,750
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
595
00:23:36,833 --> 00:23:41,713
Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now
596
00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:43,632
Lick it good, suck this pussy
597
00:23:43,715 --> 00:23:45,258
- Just like you should
- Yeah!
598
00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:49,012
My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack
599
00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:54,142
My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack
600
00:23:54,351 --> 00:23:57,854
My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack
601
00:23:58,021 --> 00:23:59,648
You're doing so good!
602
00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:01,650
Lick it now, lick it good
603
00:24:01,733 --> 00:24:04,486
- Lick this pussy just like you should
- Come on
604
00:24:04,569 --> 00:24:06,655
Right now, lick it good
605
00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:07,948
These are my new friends.
606
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:10,867
My neck, my back, lick
607
00:24:10,951 --> 00:24:12,119
Jess, Jess, Jess!
608
00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:14,371
- Oh!
- (CROWD GASPING)
609
00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:16,373
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
610
00:24:16,456 --> 00:24:18,625
Are you okay? You all right?
611
00:24:19,626 --> 00:24:20,961
Did anybody see me fall?
612
00:24:21,044 --> 00:24:22,712
- Everybody saw. Everybody saw.
- No. Well, yeah.
613
00:24:22,796 --> 00:24:25,298
- Alice! You fell!
- Yeah.
614
00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:27,634
It was be-gorgeous!
615
00:24:27,717 --> 00:24:30,011
Jess, you were supposed to catch me.
616
00:24:30,095 --> 00:24:32,139
You know, I forgot that one part.
I'm so sorry.
617
00:24:32,222 --> 00:24:33,515
It's a pretty important part!
618
00:24:34,266 --> 00:24:36,977
Would some more cocaine make you feel better?
619
00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:38,186
Yes!
620
00:24:38,562 --> 00:24:40,981
- I'm gonna party till the break of day
- (ALL SNIFFING)
621
00:24:41,106 --> 00:24:42,983
(SNIFFS)
622
00:24:43,775 --> 00:24:47,112
This Montepulciano is majestic
and rebellious.
623
00:24:47,362 --> 00:24:49,364
Tell me, what are you tasting?
624
00:24:50,115 --> 00:24:51,283
Pepper.
625
00:24:51,366 --> 00:24:52,534
Pass. I need more time.
626
00:24:53,076 --> 00:24:54,077
(MOANS)
627
00:24:54,286 --> 00:24:55,287
Forest floor.
628
00:24:55,370 --> 00:24:56,371
Licorice.
629
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:59,624
- There's a nostalgia to it, you know?
- OTHERS: Mmm-hmm. Yes.
630
00:24:59,708 --> 00:25:02,085
- You are all correct!
- ALL: Oh!
631
00:25:02,586 --> 00:25:04,671
- Yes!
- PATRICK: I need more time.
632
00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:06,673
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
633
00:25:06,756 --> 00:25:08,008
Oh. (HISSING INHALE)
634
00:25:08,091 --> 00:25:09,509
It's Jess.
635
00:25:09,593 --> 00:25:12,053
- Take it.
- Okay. Hello.
636
00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:15,640
I'm drunk! I lost two credit cards already.
637
00:25:15,724 --> 00:25:17,142
PETER: Oh, no. Okay.
638
00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:19,895
- Well, it's getting pretty wild over here, too.
- JESS: Really?
639
00:25:20,103 --> 00:25:22,022
I'm getting, like, a light beeswax.
640
00:25:22,105 --> 00:25:23,607
- Oh, I like that.
- Oh.
641
00:25:23,732 --> 00:25:26,860
- Jess, guy says that we can drive his Lambo.
- (LAUGHING)
642
00:25:26,943 --> 00:25:29,154
- I, um, I... Babe, I got to go.
- All right.
643
00:25:29,237 --> 00:25:30,280
Call me when you're home safe.
644
00:25:30,363 --> 00:25:32,449
- I will. I love you.
- Love you, too.
645
00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:33,700
ALICE: Get off the phone.
646
00:25:34,159 --> 00:25:36,203
Are we ready to get crazy?
647
00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:38,288
- Yeah.
- Sure.
648
00:25:38,455 --> 00:25:41,875
This Lambrusco is served...
649
00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:44,002
Chilled!
650
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:46,254
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
651
00:25:46,338 --> 00:25:49,132
(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)
652
00:25:49,716 --> 00:25:50,884
Do you guys remember Michelle?
653
00:25:50,967 --> 00:25:53,762
BLAIR: Oh, Michelle,
she was obsessed with Nickelback.
654
00:25:53,845 --> 00:25:55,680
(LAUGHTER)
655
00:25:56,139 --> 00:25:58,433
- ALICE: Ooh, beauty, Jess!
- (PIPPA GASPS)
656
00:25:58,642 --> 00:26:01,228
- I know what this soiree needs.
- What?
657
00:26:01,311 --> 00:26:02,479
Pizza!
658
00:26:02,604 --> 00:26:03,897
- (FRANKIE WHOOPS)
- OTHERS: Yeah!
659
00:26:04,356 --> 00:26:06,399
- PIPPA: Pizza! Pizza!
- Yes, yes, yes.
660
00:26:06,483 --> 00:26:08,276
- Yes!
- Nice! Sweet!
661
00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:09,611
Okay, I love her.
662
00:26:09,694 --> 00:26:11,071
- Right?
- Yes.
663
00:26:11,154 --> 00:26:13,657
She is... Be-mazing?
I don't know how she would say it,
664
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:14,866
but she is incredible!
665
00:26:14,950 --> 00:26:17,535
I am telling you, she is one of us.
666
00:26:17,619 --> 00:26:19,704
- She is so free-spirited.
- BOTH: Totally.
667
00:26:19,996 --> 00:26:21,790
- I just... I love her.
- I don't know about that.
668
00:26:21,873 --> 00:26:23,541
- I totally feel it.
- Do you guys feel like
669
00:26:23,625 --> 00:26:26,336
she's here on a work visa,
670
00:26:26,419 --> 00:26:29,214
or, like, a tourist visa or, like, illegally?
671
00:26:29,589 --> 00:26:31,258
- Like, what's her deal?
- What, dude?
672
00:26:31,341 --> 00:26:33,176
- She's here for a bachelorette party.
- JESS: That is crazy.
673
00:26:33,343 --> 00:26:34,594
- BLAIR: Build a wall.
- I just, like, don't...
674
00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:36,137
I don't want to do anything illegal tonight.
675
00:26:36,388 --> 00:26:37,514
- JESS: What?
- You don't?
676
00:26:37,597 --> 00:26:39,224
You just snorted a mound of cocaine.
677
00:26:39,307 --> 00:26:42,394
- Simultaneously.
- That was, like, in the name of Jess.
678
00:26:42,477 --> 00:26:44,020
That was, like, for Jess.
679
00:26:44,104 --> 00:26:45,772
- Don't put that on me.
- FRANKIE: Oh, check you out.
680
00:26:45,855 --> 00:26:46,982
You're literally cuckoo.
681
00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:48,566
I'm just, like, voicing
what some people are thinking,
682
00:26:48,650 --> 00:26:50,944
- you know what I mean?
- Do you have snags?
683
00:26:52,904 --> 00:26:54,906
Okay, no snags.
684
00:26:54,990 --> 00:26:58,118
Um, is... This is a pizza shop, yeah?
685
00:26:58,201 --> 00:26:59,744
God, it is so warm.
686
00:26:59,828 --> 00:27:01,496
- You guys have to get in.
- JESS: Mmm,
687
00:27:01,871 --> 00:27:03,039
I am coming.
688
00:27:03,123 --> 00:27:04,749
I am gonna warn you now.
689
00:27:04,833 --> 00:27:09,462
Uh, did not have time to self-wax,
so it is like a jungle down there.
690
00:27:09,546 --> 00:27:10,880
- BLAIR: Self-wax?
- Yeah.
691
00:27:10,964 --> 00:27:13,466
Like, with those weird little,
like, paper strips?
692
00:27:13,550 --> 00:27:14,926
Yikes, dude.
693
00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:17,470
Even I'm like, "Yikes, dude."
694
00:27:17,554 --> 00:27:20,974
Look, you guys, I don't understand.
Why all the hate?
695
00:27:21,057 --> 00:27:22,225
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Ooh.
696
00:27:22,309 --> 00:27:23,893
- Mmm.
- Okay, I got it, I got it.
697
00:27:23,977 --> 00:27:25,395
- Well, that was fast.
- But, seriously,
698
00:27:25,478 --> 00:27:27,355
we're gonna talk about
this self-wax thing later.
699
00:27:27,439 --> 00:27:28,565
- Okay, come on.
- Ooh.
700
00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:30,525
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
701
00:27:34,029 --> 00:27:35,780
- Hey...
- Oh, not bad.
702
00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:38,825
- Stripper's here!
- (ALICE WHOOPS)
703
00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:40,160
- You guys!
- Yes!
704
00:27:40,243 --> 00:27:41,244
I don't want a stripper!
705
00:27:41,536 --> 00:27:42,829
Did you bring a CD or anything?
706
00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:44,956
Like, Now That's What I Call Music!
or anything?
707
00:27:45,206 --> 00:27:46,958
- No. No, I didn't.
- No? It's all right.
708
00:27:47,042 --> 00:27:48,585
I got some pretty filthy music on my phone.
709
00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:50,545
- I'll hook you up. (CLICKS TONGUE)
- Thanks.
710
00:27:52,047 --> 00:27:53,214
- Hey.
- Hi.
711
00:27:53,298 --> 00:27:56,092
Hey, um, I, uh, I got to take a piss.
712
00:27:56,676 --> 00:27:58,303
Oh, yeah, there's a bathroom down there.
713
00:27:59,054 --> 00:28:00,096
All right.
714
00:28:00,597 --> 00:28:02,182
It's, like, down there.
715
00:28:02,932 --> 00:28:03,933
JESS: Mmm.
716
00:28:04,267 --> 00:28:05,727
I bet he's going to fluff his junk!
717
00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:07,979
Let's give him room, let's make a stage, yes.
718
00:28:08,063 --> 00:28:09,689
You guys, I don't want a stripper.
719
00:28:09,773 --> 00:28:11,399
I think he looks like he's on something.
720
00:28:11,483 --> 00:28:13,943
He's definitely on something.
Like bath salts.
721
00:28:14,277 --> 00:28:16,196
Oh, my God, he's gonna eat our faces.
722
00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:19,282
- Oh, God, he would!
- Ugh, this vintage remote is so confusing.
723
00:28:19,366 --> 00:28:22,369
JESS:
I've never even had a striptease. I mean...
724
00:28:22,452 --> 00:28:23,536
- Nope.
- Well, there was that one time.
725
00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:25,038
- I love myself
- ALICE: Yes!
726
00:28:25,121 --> 00:28:26,581
Maybe somebody else should go.
727
00:28:26,664 --> 00:28:28,875
- Stripper. Stripper, stripper.
- So, this is Jess,
728
00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:31,461
the bride-to-be, your subject, okay?
729
00:28:31,544 --> 00:28:34,089
And lucky for you, so lucky,
730
00:28:34,172 --> 00:28:35,965
you get to do whatever you want.
731
00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:37,050
Fuck her!
732
00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:38,259
- Alice!
- Jesus.
733
00:28:38,343 --> 00:28:39,719
- Too much.
- What? If it happens.
734
00:28:39,803 --> 00:28:41,179
(WHOOPS)
735
00:28:41,262 --> 00:28:43,139
- Okay, whoo! Here we go.
- PIPPA: Do it.
736
00:28:44,057 --> 00:28:45,600
(WHOOPING)
737
00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:48,728
- First layer, off.
- (WHOOPING)
738
00:28:48,812 --> 00:28:50,188
I touch myself
739
00:28:50,313 --> 00:28:51,439
- Oh, shit.
- ALICE: Yeah!
740
00:28:53,066 --> 00:28:54,567
- JESS: Okay.
- BLAIR: Come on, Jess!
741
00:28:54,651 --> 00:28:56,152
Here he comes. He's looking at me.
742
00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:58,822
(EXCITED SHOUTS, WHOOPING)
743
00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:00,865
Ooh, happy Boxing Day.
744
00:29:01,282 --> 00:29:02,534
ALICE: Yes!
745
00:29:02,617 --> 00:29:04,911
It's kind of turning me on,
but I really have to pee,
746
00:29:04,994 --> 00:29:06,830
so it's, like, so confusing.
747
00:29:06,913 --> 00:29:09,833
- Mansploitation, bitch! Yes!
- (WHOOPING)
748
00:29:09,999 --> 00:29:11,668
Let's get to the beans,
let's get to the beans.
749
00:29:11,751 --> 00:29:12,877
Yeah, just do it.
750
00:29:12,961 --> 00:29:14,754
Get it over with. Get it over with!
751
00:29:14,838 --> 00:29:17,882
- (LAUGHING) So good!
- Love her.
752
00:29:17,966 --> 00:29:19,759
Make her feel special.
753
00:29:19,843 --> 00:29:20,844
(GASPS)
754
00:29:20,969 --> 00:29:22,387
- ALICE: Yes!
- BLAIR: Get that!
755
00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:24,180
- (WHOOPING)
- JESS: Oh, he's warm.
756
00:29:24,264 --> 00:29:26,224
Ooh, all right. I like it.
757
00:29:26,558 --> 00:29:27,559
- (WHOOPS)
- JESS: Okay.
758
00:29:28,101 --> 00:29:29,352
I know you want it, you little slut.
759
00:29:29,644 --> 00:29:31,354
Oh, God! No! Ew.
760
00:29:31,479 --> 00:29:33,231
Gross. You sit down.
761
00:29:33,356 --> 00:29:34,858
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- So aggressive.
762
00:29:35,150 --> 00:29:37,485
- FRANKIE: I'm definitely gay.
- Okay, my turn!
763
00:29:37,569 --> 00:29:38,862
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
764
00:29:40,029 --> 00:29:41,948
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!
765
00:29:42,031 --> 00:29:43,032
FRANKIE: Holy shit.
766
00:29:44,075 --> 00:29:45,743
- I'm good!
- JESS: Hey.
767
00:29:45,827 --> 00:29:47,454
Are you okay?
768
00:29:47,871 --> 00:29:50,457
Oh, him? He's fine. You're okay, right, bud?
769
00:29:50,707 --> 00:29:51,916
Oh, God.
770
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:54,502
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit! That's blood!
771
00:29:54,919 --> 00:29:56,463
ALICE: What the fuck? Oh, God.
772
00:29:56,546 --> 00:29:58,590
- Oh, my God, he's not breathing!
- (GASPS)
773
00:29:58,673 --> 00:30:00,216
- JESS: Shit!
- Does anybody know CPR?
774
00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:02,510
- ALICE: Oh, my God.
- I'll look it up on YouTube!
775
00:30:02,594 --> 00:30:04,137
- No, no, no.
- PIPPA: Oh, my God.
776
00:30:04,262 --> 00:30:05,638
We got to do something!
777
00:30:05,722 --> 00:30:08,349
Bugger! It's playing an advert
for toilet tissue.
778
00:30:08,433 --> 00:30:09,517
ALICE: Jess, do something!
779
00:30:09,601 --> 00:30:10,643
- Shit.
- No, no, no.
780
00:30:10,810 --> 00:30:12,020
BLAIR: Holy shit!
781
00:30:12,270 --> 00:30:14,647
Oh, please, God,
please don't let this happen.
782
00:30:14,731 --> 00:30:16,733
He's bleeding out. I can't stop the blood!
783
00:30:16,816 --> 00:30:19,444
I have some Advil. I'll get it out of my bag.
784
00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:21,154
What's Advil gonna do, Alice?
785
00:30:21,237 --> 00:30:24,240
- It's extra-strength, bitch!
- Somebody call an ambulance!
786
00:30:25,366 --> 00:30:27,577
- Four, five, six, seven, eight...
- He doesn't have a pulse.
787
00:30:30,622 --> 00:30:31,748
Fuck.
788
00:30:32,749 --> 00:30:33,917
He's dead.
789
00:30:36,252 --> 00:30:37,921
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
790
00:30:38,004 --> 00:30:40,089
I...
791
00:30:40,256 --> 00:30:43,718
I don't want anybody else
792
00:30:43,801 --> 00:30:44,928
When I think about you
793
00:30:45,011 --> 00:30:47,555
BLAIR: Turn off the fucking music!
794
00:30:48,014 --> 00:30:51,643
Oh, I don't want anybo...
795
00:30:51,726 --> 00:30:54,020
- (TURNS OFF MUSIC)
- (QUIET CRYING)
796
00:30:56,439 --> 00:30:58,066
- FRANKIE: Oh, shit.
- I'm so sorry.
797
00:30:58,733 --> 00:30:59,734
I didn't mean to.
798
00:30:59,859 --> 00:31:02,111
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
799
00:31:02,445 --> 00:31:03,530
- (GAGS)
- I'm so sorry.
800
00:31:03,655 --> 00:31:05,323
- No, no, no.
- Oh, God, the blood,
801
00:31:05,698 --> 00:31:07,075
(GASPS) it's going everywhere.
802
00:31:07,158 --> 00:31:08,785
Paper towels! Somebody get paper towels!
803
00:31:08,952 --> 00:31:10,203
Why don't you do something, Blair!
804
00:31:10,286 --> 00:31:11,621
I'm delegating!
805
00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:14,707
- I killed a guy.
- It's okay.
806
00:31:15,208 --> 00:31:16,417
Oh, God.
807
00:31:16,501 --> 00:31:18,545
- Oh, not the bathroom towels.
- Oh, shit.
808
00:31:18,628 --> 00:31:19,754
What are you talking about!
809
00:31:19,837 --> 00:31:21,130
Who cares about towels right now?
810
00:31:21,214 --> 00:31:23,049
Well, I don't know! I don't know what to do!
811
00:31:23,258 --> 00:31:25,093
I killed a guy!
812
00:31:25,468 --> 00:31:26,803
Oh, God!
813
00:31:27,178 --> 00:31:28,721
- I killed a guy today.
- Okay, okay.
814
00:31:28,805 --> 00:31:30,640
- Deep breaths, deep breaths.
- "What'd you do?"
815
00:31:30,723 --> 00:31:32,517
- Deep breath.
- "I killed a guy."
816
00:31:32,642 --> 00:31:34,185
"What have you been up to?"
817
00:31:34,269 --> 00:31:35,728
(SNIFFS) "Death."
818
00:31:35,812 --> 00:31:37,313
(INHALES, EXHALES)
819
00:31:37,397 --> 00:31:38,982
- Keep it in there.
- That's better. That's better.
820
00:31:40,024 --> 00:31:41,484
Time to call the police. Yeah?
821
00:31:41,651 --> 00:31:43,444
No, no, no, don't call the police.
We're all high.
822
00:31:43,528 --> 00:31:46,114
Let's get rid of the drugs,
and then we'll call the police.
823
00:31:46,197 --> 00:31:47,991
Yeah, we'll just,
we'll clean up a dead stripper, cool.
824
00:31:48,366 --> 00:31:50,201
Well, technically, he's a prostitute.
825
00:31:50,660 --> 00:31:51,661
(COUGHING)
826
00:31:51,786 --> 00:31:53,955
- He's a prostitute?
- No.
827
00:31:54,038 --> 00:31:55,248
I got him from Craigslist.
828
00:31:55,331 --> 00:31:57,208
He is a stripper, but then also an escort.
829
00:31:57,834 --> 00:31:59,836
You hired a gigolo?
830
00:31:59,961 --> 00:32:02,046
Don't judge sex work, Blair!
831
00:32:02,297 --> 00:32:03,923
- Oh, my God!
- Frankie!
832
00:32:04,007 --> 00:32:06,759
You know I'm running for public office!
How could you do this to me?
833
00:32:06,843 --> 00:32:08,595
It's worse for me. I have two strikes.
834
00:32:08,678 --> 00:32:11,222
If I get a third,
I could go to jail for 25 to life.
835
00:32:11,306 --> 00:32:13,224
I'm not even supposed to be
out of the state right now.
836
00:32:13,308 --> 00:32:15,476
I had to pry my ankle monitor off
with a shoehorn to get here!
837
00:32:16,144 --> 00:32:17,520
Oh, God.
838
00:32:18,271 --> 00:32:19,397
It's the chair's fault.
839
00:32:19,731 --> 00:32:22,108
Fuckin' shit chair!
840
00:32:22,191 --> 00:32:25,194
Wait a minute. You guys, wait a minute!
841
00:32:25,278 --> 00:32:27,113
It was an accident. Right?
842
00:32:27,238 --> 00:32:29,490
So, like, we're not gonna
get in trouble for an accident.
843
00:32:29,741 --> 00:32:31,075
FRANKIE: We're in Florida, Alice.
844
00:32:31,534 --> 00:32:33,661
A white dude is dead at
the hands of a bunch of women.
845
00:32:33,745 --> 00:32:34,996
BLAIR: Yeah, white women.
846
00:32:35,079 --> 00:32:37,540
I'm black, in case any of you have forgotten.
847
00:32:37,707 --> 00:32:39,125
I think the only person
who's forgotten that is you.
848
00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:41,419
How dare you.
849
00:32:41,919 --> 00:32:43,212
I rest my case.
850
00:32:43,963 --> 00:32:46,883
I knew this weekend was a terrible idea.
851
00:32:46,966 --> 00:32:48,343
What? No.
852
00:32:48,426 --> 00:32:51,554
This can still be the best
weekend of our fucking lives!
853
00:32:51,638 --> 00:32:55,683
Let's just smile a little bit about it. Right?
Smile more. (AWKWARD CHUCKLING)
854
00:32:55,850 --> 00:32:57,101
Okay, we're gonna be fine.
855
00:32:57,185 --> 00:32:58,895
- We're gonna call the cops, but Jess is right.
- Definitely.
856
00:32:58,978 --> 00:33:00,730
We need to make this seem
as innocent as possible,
857
00:33:00,855 --> 00:33:02,065
so let's get rid of all the drugs.
858
00:33:02,357 --> 00:33:03,775
I'm on it. (SNIFFS)
859
00:33:04,651 --> 00:33:06,778
- Alice, not by doing them!
- (COUGHS)
860
00:33:07,278 --> 00:33:10,198
Okay, someone tell me what to do,
and I will do it.
861
00:33:11,157 --> 00:33:12,742
- (SHUDDERS) Uh?
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
862
00:33:12,909 --> 00:33:14,369
- (ALICE AND PIPPA GRUNT)
- What the...
863
00:33:15,536 --> 00:33:17,705
- Oh. Oh.
- Shit, shit, shit.
864
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:21,042
(PIPPA PANTING HEAVILY)
865
00:33:22,043 --> 00:33:23,294
It's pizza.
866
00:33:24,128 --> 00:33:25,963
You guys, what are we gonna do?
867
00:33:26,047 --> 00:33:28,508
The house is made of glass. He can see in.
868
00:33:29,008 --> 00:33:30,593
We got to move him, you guys.
869
00:33:30,677 --> 00:33:31,803
- (KNOCKING)
- Do it, do it, do it.
870
00:33:31,928 --> 00:33:34,347
- (PANICKED CHATTER)
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
871
00:33:35,098 --> 00:33:36,474
JESS: Go, go, go.
872
00:33:38,601 --> 00:33:40,019
Wait, wait, wait, you guys.
873
00:33:40,103 --> 00:33:43,064
You guys, you guys, you guys,
wait, wait, wait. One second.
874
00:33:43,147 --> 00:33:45,274
- (KNOCKING)
- Watch the couch.
875
00:33:46,275 --> 00:33:47,276
(SQUEALS)
876
00:33:47,443 --> 00:33:48,444
(DOORBELL RINGS)
877
00:33:48,611 --> 00:33:49,904
- Shit.
- Somebody answer the door.
878
00:33:50,113 --> 00:33:52,031
Does anyone have cash for a tip?
879
00:33:52,115 --> 00:33:53,366
I have Australian dollars.
880
00:33:53,449 --> 00:33:55,034
They're stronger than American dollars.
881
00:33:58,705 --> 00:34:00,039
DELIVERY MAN: Castelucci Pizza.
882
00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,711
- What's this?
- Leave.
883
00:34:06,421 --> 00:34:07,797
- Oh, God.
- Oh, fuck.
884
00:34:08,047 --> 00:34:09,048
I was natural.
885
00:34:09,632 --> 00:34:11,008
Okay, open it.
886
00:34:11,092 --> 00:34:12,760
Open it up.
887
00:34:13,428 --> 00:34:14,637
Oh, yes.
888
00:34:15,513 --> 00:34:17,140
How can you eat right now?
889
00:34:17,473 --> 00:34:20,893
Eating is the number one way
people deal with stress, okay?
890
00:34:20,977 --> 00:34:22,645
Don't give me shit.
891
00:34:22,729 --> 00:34:24,021
You guys want some?
892
00:34:24,731 --> 00:34:26,941
- Oh, yeah, I'd go for a slice. One second.
- I'll have a slice. Yeah.
893
00:34:27,900 --> 00:34:31,237
Okay, I think now it's time for us
to call the cops, yeah?
894
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,573
Wait, wait, wait.
I think we should call a lawyer first,
895
00:34:33,656 --> 00:34:35,658
so we know exactly what to say
during the interrogation.
896
00:34:35,867 --> 00:34:37,618
- Okay.
- Wait, I'm sorry, what's going on?
897
00:34:37,910 --> 00:34:38,995
We're gonna be interrogated?
898
00:34:39,579 --> 00:34:41,831
We are 100% gonna be interrogated.
899
00:34:41,914 --> 00:34:44,041
Somebody died in a sketchy way.
900
00:34:44,125 --> 00:34:45,793
They're gonna separate us into little cells,
901
00:34:45,877 --> 00:34:47,462
you know, with swinging lights.
902
00:34:47,545 --> 00:34:50,131
The coppers are gonna try
to crack us, fucking pigs!
903
00:34:50,423 --> 00:34:52,675
Okay, let's definitely call a lawyer, then.
904
00:34:53,259 --> 00:34:55,011
Oh, my God. My Uncle Jack.
905
00:34:55,428 --> 00:34:57,263
He was on the team
that defended Bernie Madoff.
906
00:34:57,346 --> 00:34:59,348
- Ah, thank God.
- Thank God.
907
00:34:59,849 --> 00:35:02,643
Wait. We should use a burner phone
so there's no record.
908
00:35:02,894 --> 00:35:04,437
- JESS: Good idea.
- That's actually a good point.
909
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,355
- Shit!
- ALL: What, Alice?
910
00:35:06,689 --> 00:35:07,982
The foam party!
911
00:35:08,065 --> 00:35:09,692
Should I sell our passes?
912
00:35:10,985 --> 00:35:12,028
BLAIR: Wow.
913
00:35:12,612 --> 00:35:14,781
You're right. Let's play it by ear.
914
00:35:15,031 --> 00:35:16,199
Smart, Jess.
915
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,618
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
916
00:35:18,701 --> 00:35:19,702
Oh, shit! Peter!
917
00:35:20,036 --> 00:35:21,537
- Okay.
- I forgot to call him when I got home.
918
00:35:21,621 --> 00:35:23,080
- Do not answer that.
- I have to.
919
00:35:23,164 --> 00:35:24,290
- No!
- Jess. Jess, stop.
920
00:35:24,373 --> 00:35:25,416
Hello!
921
00:35:25,541 --> 00:35:27,794
- Hey, babe.
- Hi. How's it going?
922
00:35:27,877 --> 00:35:29,962
- Stop.
- Are you home safe? You never called.
923
00:35:30,046 --> 00:35:31,172
- Hang up. Hang up.
- Yeah, I am.
924
00:35:31,255 --> 00:35:32,340
Yeah, everything's great.
925
00:35:32,507 --> 00:35:34,425
Did you do whippets again?
You sound really weird.
926
00:35:34,717 --> 00:35:36,636
- What?
- Is everything all right?
927
00:35:36,803 --> 00:35:38,596
- Hang up. Hang up. Hang up.
- Stop, stop, stop.
928
00:35:38,721 --> 00:35:40,515
- Peter, something really bad happened.
- No.
929
00:35:40,598 --> 00:35:42,433
- What?
- No, this guy came over.
930
00:35:42,517 --> 00:35:44,060
He was a stripper, like, a prostitute.
931
00:35:44,143 --> 00:35:45,186
- A prostitute?
- And we were drunk,
932
00:35:45,353 --> 00:35:47,730
and coked up, and I don't know what to do.
933
00:35:47,814 --> 00:35:48,981
About what? The wedding?
934
00:35:49,273 --> 00:35:51,567
- (FRANTIC WHISPERING)
- Jess, do you still want to get married?
935
00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:53,152
- You can't, you can't...
- JESS: No! (GASPS)
936
00:35:53,820 --> 00:35:54,987
- Jess!
- (CLICK)
937
00:35:57,240 --> 00:35:58,533
I can't believe you just did that.
938
00:35:58,616 --> 00:36:01,452
We can't talk to anybody
until we consult with a lawyer.
939
00:36:01,536 --> 00:36:02,703
She's right. You know what,
940
00:36:02,787 --> 00:36:04,831
I'm collecting everyone's phones
until we know what the plan is.
941
00:36:04,914 --> 00:36:06,541
- Agreed?
- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
942
00:36:06,624 --> 00:36:07,834
- Yes.
- Agreed.
943
00:36:07,917 --> 00:36:08,918
- Mmm-hmm.
- Fine.
944
00:36:10,753 --> 00:36:13,297
- Well, I have a game on it that relaxes me.
- Give it.
945
00:36:14,924 --> 00:36:15,967
Thank you.
946
00:36:16,175 --> 00:36:17,969
♪♪
947
00:36:18,344 --> 00:36:20,930
Okay, so we got to get this burner phone
from a convenience store.
948
00:36:21,013 --> 00:36:22,223
- Smart.
- Yeah, good idea.
949
00:36:22,306 --> 00:36:23,516
Frankie and I can go.
950
00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:24,684
- Great.
- ALICE: Um...
951
00:36:24,767 --> 00:36:27,478
- Or, like, anybody else could go.
- BLAIR: Why?
952
00:36:27,562 --> 00:36:30,022
- Do we argue?
- We bicker. Yeah, we bicker.
953
00:36:30,231 --> 00:36:32,525
- (CHUCKLES) It's true, but...
- No. I think that we debate,
954
00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:34,402
which is a normal part of talking.
955
00:36:34,485 --> 00:36:36,946
That's funny.
That's the same thing, debating and arguing.
956
00:36:37,029 --> 00:36:38,364
- It's semantics.
- "Semantics."
957
00:36:38,447 --> 00:36:40,449
Wow, I didn't realize
I was talking to a wordsmith.
958
00:36:40,533 --> 00:36:42,118
- They used to be lovers, yeah?
- FRANKIE: Three syllables.
959
00:36:42,201 --> 00:36:44,120
I'm a wordsmith 'cause
I read the news regularly.
960
00:36:44,203 --> 00:36:45,371
- Is it that obvious?
- BLAIR: Oh, my God.
961
00:36:45,454 --> 00:36:49,375
- I'm too busy shopping, right?
- I have a sort of a sense of these things.
962
00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:52,753
- (OTHERS CONTINUE ARGUING)
- Also, she's been fixated on her nips.
963
00:36:52,837 --> 00:36:54,714
Just because I don't use
Tom's of Maine deodorant, which,
964
00:36:54,797 --> 00:36:55,882
by the way, does not work...
965
00:36:55,965 --> 00:36:57,216
I don't use Tom's deodorant...
966
00:36:57,300 --> 00:36:59,635
- It's kind of nasty to watch, isn't it?
- ...into my body.
967
00:37:00,553 --> 00:37:02,513
PETER: Yeah, so, I call. She picks up.
968
00:37:02,847 --> 00:37:04,223
- Uh-huh.
- She sounds very strange.
969
00:37:04,307 --> 00:37:05,516
I know something's wrong immediately.
970
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:07,101
And then, finally, she admits it.
971
00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:08,811
She says something really bad
happened with a prostitute.
972
00:37:08,978 --> 00:37:10,980
- OTHERS: Ooh!
- That does not mean she cheated.
973
00:37:11,355 --> 00:37:13,941
But if she was going to cheat,
this is when she would do it.
974
00:37:14,150 --> 00:37:16,819
- Oh, God.
- Miami, bachelorette party.
975
00:37:16,903 --> 00:37:18,738
- It's pretty classic.
- Mmm...
976
00:37:18,863 --> 00:37:21,991
It's not cheating if it's
with a prostitute. Technically.
977
00:37:22,325 --> 00:37:24,160
- TOBEY: What?
- What? Yes, it is.
978
00:37:24,243 --> 00:37:26,621
Look, guys, we have
to have realistic attitudes
979
00:37:26,704 --> 00:37:28,247
about sexual exclusivity.
980
00:37:28,497 --> 00:37:31,000
Whatever. It doesn't even matter, because...
981
00:37:31,083 --> 00:37:32,793
I asked her if she still wanted
to get married.
982
00:37:32,877 --> 00:37:34,921
She screamed "no" and then she hung up!
983
00:37:35,004 --> 00:37:36,756
So, guess what, guys,
984
00:37:36,839 --> 00:37:39,175
there's no wedding for you to go to,
so return your tuxes.
985
00:37:39,383 --> 00:37:40,676
OTHERS: No!
986
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,511
- No. Hell, no.
- Fine, keep your tuxes,
987
00:37:42,595 --> 00:37:43,846
but my wedding's off.
988
00:37:44,555 --> 00:37:45,806
It's not a shock, right?
989
00:37:45,890 --> 00:37:49,602
I mean, buddy, I love you,
you're one of my best friends,
990
00:37:49,685 --> 00:37:52,229
but you're a six and she's a...
991
00:37:52,313 --> 00:37:54,106
(TAKES BREATH) Twenty.
992
00:37:54,190 --> 00:37:56,525
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- JOE: He can hear you.
993
00:37:56,609 --> 00:37:58,569
Oh, I'm feeling... I'm feeling weak.
994
00:37:58,653 --> 00:38:00,196
- I'm feeling dizzy, I'm...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
995
00:38:00,279 --> 00:38:02,198
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, my God.
996
00:38:02,365 --> 00:38:04,659
I knew I shouldn't date out of my league,
I knew it.
997
00:38:04,742 --> 00:38:07,078
When she first asked me out,
I thought it was a prank.
998
00:38:07,161 --> 00:38:10,081
I could feel her pulling away,
but I thought it was work.
999
00:38:10,164 --> 00:38:11,540
- (BELCHES) I'm gonna be sick.
- No, no, no.
1000
00:38:11,832 --> 00:38:13,250
- Give him some Madeira.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1001
00:38:13,334 --> 00:38:15,419
- Yeah.
- Peter, that's it. Just take a sip.
1002
00:38:15,503 --> 00:38:17,463
- Chug-a-lug. Bup-bup-bup-bup.
- Oh, I'll get you a soft cheese!
1003
00:38:17,546 --> 00:38:18,547
Yes!
1004
00:38:20,049 --> 00:38:21,467
FRANKIE: This is so stupid.
1005
00:38:21,550 --> 00:38:25,221
Yeah, but this way no one can
definitively ID our face.
1006
00:38:25,596 --> 00:38:27,264
FRANKIE: Old people. Perfect.
1007
00:38:28,891 --> 00:38:31,060
Any brand is fine.
1008
00:38:31,185 --> 00:38:32,520
What's that on your face?
1009
00:38:32,770 --> 00:38:33,980
A detoxifying mud mask.
1010
00:38:34,063 --> 00:38:36,148
Look, we need a burner phone, okay?
1011
00:38:36,232 --> 00:38:40,152
- Here's some cash.
- Again, a burner phone,
1012
00:38:40,236 --> 00:38:42,905
and you can find that behind the counter.
1013
00:38:43,030 --> 00:38:44,740
- MAN: Okay. We heard you.
- Inside.
1014
00:38:44,824 --> 00:38:48,035
You baby boomers are so demanding.
1015
00:38:48,119 --> 00:38:49,412
WOMAN: I know.
1016
00:38:49,495 --> 00:38:51,747
- Jesus. Come on, Ma.
- I'm sick and tired of this shit.
1017
00:38:53,958 --> 00:38:55,209
ALICE: I can't believe he's dead.
1018
00:38:56,669 --> 00:38:59,755
- And it's, like, all my fault.
- No, no.
1019
00:39:00,339 --> 00:39:02,717
It really is a tragedy, you know?
1020
00:39:04,844 --> 00:39:08,347
He could have been a scientist
that was gonna cure cancer or something.
1021
00:39:09,432 --> 00:39:11,934
- It's nice of you to say.
- Yeah.
1022
00:39:13,394 --> 00:39:15,604
Guys, is he looking, like, straight at me?
1023
00:39:18,024 --> 00:39:19,525
- Oh, my God, he's...
- Yeah. Yeah.
1024
00:39:19,608 --> 00:39:21,569
He's looking at me, right? (CRIES SOFTLY)
1025
00:39:21,652 --> 00:39:22,862
PIPPA: Mmm-hmm.
1026
00:39:25,781 --> 00:39:27,199
Hi, baby boy.
1027
00:39:28,034 --> 00:39:29,702
Mummy Hubbard's here.
1028
00:39:30,077 --> 00:39:31,871
She's gonna send you home.
1029
00:39:33,706 --> 00:39:35,207
Okay.
1030
00:39:35,291 --> 00:39:36,625
Sleep now.
1031
00:39:37,543 --> 00:39:39,920
- Oh, no. Jesus, no. No, no, no.
- (JESS GAGS)
1032
00:39:40,046 --> 00:39:41,672
- Okay, why don't we...
- I don't like it, I don't like it,
1033
00:39:41,797 --> 00:39:42,882
- I don't like it.
- Guys, I got it.
1034
00:39:43,257 --> 00:39:44,884
- I got it.
- JESS: I'm done.
1035
00:39:44,967 --> 00:39:46,677
- I'm done.
- ALICE: There we go.
1036
00:39:47,136 --> 00:39:48,471
He looks good, right?
1037
00:39:49,305 --> 00:39:51,182
ALL: Totally.
1038
00:39:56,812 --> 00:39:58,981
- PIPPA: Oh, my God, Jess. (LAUGHS)
- What?
1039
00:39:59,106 --> 00:40:00,524
Look at this ring.
1040
00:40:00,649 --> 00:40:02,943
It's even bigger in real life
than it is on Skype.
1041
00:40:03,027 --> 00:40:04,653
- Yeah, he did a good job.
- Oh.
1042
00:40:05,321 --> 00:40:06,363
You guys Skype?
1043
00:40:06,655 --> 00:40:08,324
- Yes.
- Oh, do we?
1044
00:40:08,741 --> 00:40:09,825
Yes.
1045
00:40:10,284 --> 00:40:14,371
It's really nice to just sort of,
you know, see the person
1046
00:40:14,580 --> 00:40:16,499
when you're talking to them.
1047
00:40:16,874 --> 00:40:18,459
- I didn't know that.
- Yes.
1048
00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:19,877
You don't know Skype?
1049
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,046
Skype is a free video calling app.
1050
00:40:22,171 --> 00:40:23,589
- You should...
- No, I know what Skype is.
1051
00:40:23,672 --> 00:40:25,883
Jess, you said you couldn't
remember your password.
1052
00:40:27,176 --> 00:40:29,178
Well, it is really hard to sign in.
1053
00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:31,889
(BARKING)
1054
00:40:32,389 --> 00:40:33,432
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
1055
00:40:33,557 --> 00:40:35,476
- Whose dog is that?
- Go away! Go away!
1056
00:40:35,684 --> 00:40:37,186
- Go! Go, go.
- MAN: Charlie? Here, boy!
1057
00:40:37,353 --> 00:40:39,522
- The owner is coming towards the house.
- Oh, God.
1058
00:40:39,605 --> 00:40:41,524
No, no, no. You're being too loud.
1059
00:40:41,941 --> 00:40:43,943
I can speak to animals,
we have a deep understanding,
1060
00:40:44,026 --> 00:40:45,069
- so I got this.
- MAN: Charlie?
1061
00:40:45,194 --> 00:40:46,695
- ALICE: Just go!
- JESS: Okay, be careful, though.
1062
00:40:46,779 --> 00:40:48,030
- PIPPA: Okay.
- MAN: Here, boy!
1063
00:40:48,114 --> 00:40:50,324
Okay, Charlie. Come on.
1064
00:40:50,407 --> 00:40:52,493
- Come on, come on.
- (VICIOUS GROWLING, LOUD CHOMP)
1065
00:40:52,576 --> 00:40:54,203
- PIPPA: Aah! Ow! Aah!
- BOTH: Oh, shit!
1066
00:40:54,495 --> 00:40:56,038
- Ow. Ow.
- (GROWLING)
1067
00:40:56,122 --> 00:40:57,540
- MAN: Charlie!
- You stay. I'm bringing him to you.
1068
00:40:57,623 --> 00:40:59,667
This is impossible, anybody can see
into the house from the beach.
1069
00:40:59,750 --> 00:41:01,168
- This is crazy.
- I know.
1070
00:41:01,252 --> 00:41:03,212
If someone reports it
before we do, we're dead.
1071
00:41:03,546 --> 00:41:06,048
Well, we just... We have
to get the body out of sight, that's all.
1072
00:41:06,132 --> 00:41:07,800
- Yeah, okay.
- All right.
1073
00:41:07,883 --> 00:41:08,968
- Okay.
- ALICE: You all right?
1074
00:41:09,051 --> 00:41:10,094
- You all right?
- Good.
1075
00:41:10,469 --> 00:41:13,013
Oh, my God, Pip,
I can see all of his teeth marks.
1076
00:41:13,097 --> 00:41:14,640
That looks really bad.
1077
00:41:14,723 --> 00:41:16,475
No, no, no. This is...
1078
00:41:16,559 --> 00:41:17,977
That's not... I'm good.
1079
00:41:18,060 --> 00:41:19,770
Yeah, she's fine. Look at her in the eyes.
1080
00:41:19,979 --> 00:41:22,398
Okay? So let's just get
the body out of sight,
1081
00:41:22,481 --> 00:41:24,775
and then we'll put him back
before we call the cops. Yeah?
1082
00:41:24,859 --> 00:41:26,026
- Let's do it. Right?
- Yes.
1083
00:41:26,110 --> 00:41:27,945
- Let's go! Okay!
- Let's do it.
1084
00:41:28,362 --> 00:41:29,864
PIPPA: Hold the door. Hang on one sec.
1085
00:41:29,947 --> 00:41:31,657
- ALICE: Got it.
- JESS: There's two steps here. Hold on.
1086
00:41:31,740 --> 00:41:33,033
- Yeah, we got it. Ow.
- ALICE: Oh, there's two steps.
1087
00:41:33,117 --> 00:41:34,118
(LOUD CRASH)
1088
00:41:34,243 --> 00:41:35,661
- PIPPA: Put him down.
- ALICE: That was me.
1089
00:41:35,744 --> 00:41:37,246
JESS: Can somebody turn the lights on?
1090
00:41:37,329 --> 00:41:39,123
- PIPPA: I'll get it.
- Oh, there we go.
1091
00:41:39,206 --> 00:41:40,332
- That's better.
- Oh, God!
1092
00:41:40,416 --> 00:41:42,459
Shit! Alice, cover the body!
1093
00:41:42,543 --> 00:41:43,878
Why? Why? Why?
1094
00:41:43,961 --> 00:41:45,462
JESS: Pippa, what did you do?
1095
00:41:46,046 --> 00:41:48,340
This is a poltergeist situation.
1096
00:41:48,424 --> 00:41:49,842
I'm not doing anything.
1097
00:41:49,925 --> 00:41:51,468
- All right.
- There's got to be a fuse box.
1098
00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:55,556
- Oh, God. There is a taxi.
- PIPPA: Oh, no, no.
1099
00:41:55,639 --> 00:41:57,016
There is a taxi right here.
1100
00:41:57,266 --> 00:41:59,560
No! No, no, no.
1101
00:42:00,144 --> 00:42:01,228
No, thank you.
1102
00:42:01,478 --> 00:42:02,813
- Cover the body.
- Hide me. Hide me.
1103
00:42:03,147 --> 00:42:04,481
- Balls!
- Jesus Christ.
1104
00:42:04,607 --> 00:42:06,442
Find a quilt. Find a fucking quilt.
1105
00:42:06,775 --> 00:42:08,652
- DRIVER: What the...
- Jesus!
1106
00:42:08,777 --> 00:42:11,697
- Oh, no. My water broke! My water broke!
- What?
1107
00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:12,948
No, no, I just peed.
1108
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,034
- PIPPA: I have no control over this.
- Pippa.
1109
00:42:15,701 --> 00:42:17,536
Close, you fuck.
1110
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,247
- Here you go, sir. Thank you.
- Thought I peed. I didn't pee.
1111
00:42:20,331 --> 00:42:22,124
- Thank you very much for the ride.
- Thank you.
1112
00:42:22,208 --> 00:42:24,877
- Safe home!
- What the fuck is going on in here?
1113
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,962
We're starting a garage band.
Do you guys play bass?
1114
00:42:27,046 --> 00:42:28,923
We're hiding a body.
What do you think we're doing?
1115
00:42:29,048 --> 00:42:30,925
BLAIR: Stop saying "body" so many times.
1116
00:42:31,008 --> 00:42:32,384
- Alice, what the hell are you doing, man?
- Sorry.
1117
00:42:32,468 --> 00:42:33,844
- Come on.
- FRANKIE: God!
1118
00:42:33,928 --> 00:42:35,721
Lift him up with your legs.
Lift with your legs.
1119
00:42:36,347 --> 00:42:38,265
JESS: I swear to God,
he's getting heavier every time.
1120
00:42:38,349 --> 00:42:39,475
Just hold one second.
1121
00:42:39,558 --> 00:42:40,893
- There's two stairs up here.
- No!
1122
00:42:40,976 --> 00:42:42,853
- I got it.
- Let's take a break. Let's take a break.
1123
00:42:42,937 --> 00:42:43,979
Break, break, break.
1124
00:42:44,104 --> 00:42:45,356
- ALICE: No, no, no.
- Okay.
1125
00:42:45,481 --> 00:42:47,107
- Okay.
- BLAIR: I am out of shape.
1126
00:42:47,191 --> 00:42:49,485
- PIPPA: Really good.
- Quick question.
1127
00:42:50,069 --> 00:42:51,487
Why are we moving the dead stripper?
1128
00:42:52,154 --> 00:42:54,240
The whole house is made out of glass.
1129
00:42:54,323 --> 00:42:57,117
This is impossible.
You can see in everywhere.
1130
00:42:57,618 --> 00:42:59,870
Where could we put him
that he's not gonna be seen?
1131
00:43:03,832 --> 00:43:07,044
(SQUEAKING, CREAKING)
1132
00:43:12,049 --> 00:43:13,592
BLAIR: (ON PHONE)
So, what do you think, Uncle Jack?
1133
00:43:13,676 --> 00:43:16,428
They could charge you
with involuntary manslaughter,
1134
00:43:16,512 --> 00:43:17,888
but it's not that easy to prove.
1135
00:43:18,013 --> 00:43:19,640
- Ah, thank God.
- Well, that's not bad.
1136
00:43:19,723 --> 00:43:21,308
- That's okay.
- JACK: Just don't touch the body
1137
00:43:21,392 --> 00:43:23,936
- or the scene, and you'll be fine.
- What?
1138
00:43:24,019 --> 00:43:26,146
Okay, so actually, we have already moved him
1139
00:43:26,230 --> 00:43:27,439
to a sex swing, Your Honor.
1140
00:43:27,773 --> 00:43:28,816
What?
1141
00:43:28,899 --> 00:43:32,778
I said, "Actually, we have already moved him
to a sex swing, Your Honor."
1142
00:43:32,861 --> 00:43:33,988
I heard you.
1143
00:43:35,197 --> 00:43:37,116
You knowingly tampered with the scene,
1144
00:43:37,199 --> 00:43:39,451
which means you're guilty
of accessory after the fact,
1145
00:43:39,535 --> 00:43:43,872
and they'll have a strong case
for involuntary manslaughter.
1146
00:43:43,998 --> 00:43:45,624
Wait, what does that mean?
1147
00:43:45,708 --> 00:43:47,668
Up to 15 years in prison.
1148
00:43:47,793 --> 00:43:50,170
- What?
- Fifteen?
1149
00:43:50,254 --> 00:43:52,965
- ALICE: Well, what can we do?
- Are we on an open line here, girls?
1150
00:43:53,048 --> 00:43:54,883
- It's a burner phone.
- Good.
1151
00:43:55,050 --> 00:43:56,719
Like I told Rob Lowe,
1152
00:43:57,219 --> 00:44:00,889
if there's no body, there's no case.
1153
00:44:04,310 --> 00:44:06,145
We can't just chop him up.
1154
00:44:06,812 --> 00:44:09,815
You know what?
I'll just tell the cops it was just me.
1155
00:44:10,232 --> 00:44:12,276
No, we all moved the body.
1156
00:44:13,068 --> 00:44:14,320
It's a crime.
1157
00:44:14,403 --> 00:44:17,656
Well, yeah, but if we just,
like, explain the situation...
1158
00:44:17,740 --> 00:44:19,700
FRANKIE: What are you talking about,
"Explain"?
1159
00:44:19,783 --> 00:44:22,453
Last year, a guy in Tampa,
he threatened to kill his wife,
1160
00:44:22,536 --> 00:44:23,871
so she fired a warning shot,
1161
00:44:23,954 --> 00:44:26,081
and she went to jail for 20 years.
1162
00:44:26,707 --> 00:44:29,418
This country should be burned to the ground!
1163
00:44:31,587 --> 00:44:33,047
Shit.
1164
00:44:34,548 --> 00:44:36,592
I was so close. Peter.
1165
00:44:37,301 --> 00:44:38,761
My career.
1166
00:44:38,886 --> 00:44:40,429
It's all over, just like that.
1167
00:44:41,597 --> 00:44:43,515
I'm gonna do real time.
1168
00:44:43,891 --> 00:44:44,933
Maybe life.
1169
00:44:45,017 --> 00:44:46,477
You guys are gonna get off with a few years.
1170
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:49,438
I can't do any years.
I'm in the middle of a custody battle.
1171
00:44:49,772 --> 00:44:50,731
- What?
- What?
1172
00:44:50,814 --> 00:44:51,857
What?
1173
00:44:54,318 --> 00:44:56,153
Malcolm and I separated six months ago.
1174
00:44:57,112 --> 00:44:58,364
You didn't tell me.
1175
00:44:59,156 --> 00:45:01,075
Yeah, you've been a little preoccupied, Jess.
1176
00:45:02,159 --> 00:45:03,702
Why didn't you tell me?
1177
00:45:04,536 --> 00:45:06,163
I didn't need your judgment.
1178
00:45:06,455 --> 00:45:08,707
Blair, I would never judge you
for something like that.
1179
00:45:10,501 --> 00:45:13,420
Oh, my God, my students.
1180
00:45:13,504 --> 00:45:15,297
They idolize me.
1181
00:45:15,381 --> 00:45:18,550
They think I'm, like, the best fucking adult
1182
00:45:18,634 --> 00:45:21,053
in the whole fucking world.
1183
00:45:21,136 --> 00:45:22,554
They'll turn to crime.
1184
00:45:23,138 --> 00:45:24,807
I can't go to jail.
1185
00:45:24,932 --> 00:45:26,767
I couldn't even make it
through the first episode
1186
00:45:26,850 --> 00:45:28,143
of Orange Is the New Black.
1187
00:45:28,727 --> 00:45:29,978
(CRYING) None of us can.
1188
00:45:30,145 --> 00:45:32,231
(SNIFFLES) It's too soapy, right?
1189
00:45:32,606 --> 00:45:35,234
No, I meant none of us can go to jail.
(SNIFFLES)
1190
00:45:35,317 --> 00:45:36,485
PIPPA: Wait, you guys.
1191
00:45:36,777 --> 00:45:39,780
Even if we don't get charged
with this tampering with evidence thing,
1192
00:45:39,863 --> 00:45:41,407
we don't know who this man is.
1193
00:45:41,490 --> 00:45:43,242
His family could come seek revenge.
1194
00:45:43,325 --> 00:45:46,120
He could be part of a cartel
that's gonna cut off our toes
1195
00:45:46,203 --> 00:45:47,246
and stick them up our bums.
1196
00:45:47,329 --> 00:45:48,330
BLAIR: She's right.
1197
00:45:48,497 --> 00:45:50,874
We'll have to look over our shoulders
for the rest of our lives.
1198
00:45:52,251 --> 00:45:54,002
He did say that
1199
00:45:55,337 --> 00:45:57,756
it would be hard to convict
1200
00:45:58,674 --> 00:46:00,843
with no body.
1201
00:46:01,510 --> 00:46:04,388
I mean, it was an accident.
1202
00:46:04,638 --> 00:46:06,640
And he's not part
of an escort company, you know?
1203
00:46:06,723 --> 00:46:08,517
So I don't think anybody knows he's here.
1204
00:46:09,309 --> 00:46:10,894
Mmm-hmm.
1205
00:46:15,357 --> 00:46:16,692
We got to get rid of him.
1206
00:46:16,859 --> 00:46:17,985
- We gotta, right?
- Yeah.
1207
00:46:18,068 --> 00:46:19,194
- We do.
- We have to.
1208
00:46:19,278 --> 00:46:21,447
- I mean, we don't want to.
- No, of course we don't want to.
1209
00:46:21,572 --> 00:46:22,739
We didn't want to kill him.
1210
00:46:22,823 --> 00:46:24,116
- We have no other option.
- But we have to.
1211
00:46:24,199 --> 00:46:25,451
- Of course we have to.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1212
00:46:25,534 --> 00:46:26,535
Must.
1213
00:46:27,077 --> 00:46:28,662
(LINE RINGING)
1214
00:46:28,745 --> 00:46:30,706
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey, it's Blair.
Don't leave a message.
1215
00:46:30,998 --> 00:46:33,625
Okay. That's it. None of them are picking up.
1216
00:46:33,709 --> 00:46:35,169
That means something really bad happened.
1217
00:46:35,252 --> 00:46:39,006
Dude, this is, like, the third girlfriend
that's cheated on you.
1218
00:46:39,423 --> 00:46:41,467
What is that? What's going on, buddy?
1219
00:46:41,550 --> 00:46:43,635
Does your dick bend weird when it gets hard?
1220
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:44,761
No.
1221
00:46:44,887 --> 00:46:46,388
- All right.
- JAKE: Doesn't matter.
1222
00:46:46,722 --> 00:46:49,725
Let's get you on Tinder right now,
so you can start on a rebound.
1223
00:46:49,892 --> 00:46:52,561
- No, I don't want to be on Tinder, okay?
- PATRICK: Come on.
1224
00:46:52,644 --> 00:46:55,189
You've gotten over other girls,
you can get over her.
1225
00:46:55,272 --> 00:46:59,193
Yeah, this isn't some girl, this is Jess.
I'm not gonna get over her, you know?
1226
00:46:59,276 --> 00:47:00,486
And I don't want to get over her.
1227
00:47:00,652 --> 00:47:02,404
Then, this time,
do something about it, Peter.
1228
00:47:02,571 --> 00:47:03,572
(TOBEY SCOFFS)
1229
00:47:07,075 --> 00:47:08,285
You're right.
1230
00:47:08,785 --> 00:47:10,996
You're right, I got to go to Miami,
and I got to win her back.
1231
00:47:11,079 --> 00:47:13,499
- Yes, dude. Yes. Awesome.
- Okay, okay.
1232
00:47:13,582 --> 00:47:17,461
The first flight out of Charleston
gets in at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
1233
00:47:17,544 --> 00:47:18,670
- TOBEY: No.
- JOE: Oh. There is a train
1234
00:47:18,754 --> 00:47:22,174
that gets there tomorrow afternoon
and there's room in the quiet car.
1235
00:47:22,591 --> 00:47:24,426
Not quick enough. You got to sad astronaut.
1236
00:47:25,969 --> 00:47:27,095
- What?
- Huh?
1237
00:47:27,679 --> 00:47:29,139
He has to sad astronaut.
1238
00:47:29,473 --> 00:47:30,724
- Okay, what is that?
- JAKE: That's nothing to me.
1239
00:47:30,807 --> 00:47:32,684
- Sad astronaut?
- TOBEY: That news story?
1240
00:47:32,768 --> 00:47:34,937
Okay. (EXHALES)
1241
00:47:35,854 --> 00:47:37,606
Lisa Marie Nowak was an astronaut.
1242
00:47:39,691 --> 00:47:42,110
And she was in love
with another astronaut named Will.
1243
00:47:42,736 --> 00:47:45,739
Now, Will cheated on Lisa
with some hottie Air Force captain.
1244
00:47:45,864 --> 00:47:48,951
Lisa found out and was pissed.
1245
00:47:49,326 --> 00:47:51,787
So, Lisa decided to deal with it.
1246
00:47:53,038 --> 00:47:55,541
Once and for all.
And she got a bunch of adult diapers,
1247
00:47:55,874 --> 00:47:57,209
so she wouldn't have to piss on the way,
1248
00:47:57,584 --> 00:47:59,753
and she drove straight from
Houston to Orlando
1249
00:47:59,962 --> 00:48:04,132
to, like, kidnap the Air Force...
It's... The story gets dark quick.
1250
00:48:04,550 --> 00:48:08,428
Point is, she used that crazy
astrophysicist brain
1251
00:48:09,012 --> 00:48:10,556
to find the quickest way to Florida.
1252
00:48:11,473 --> 00:48:14,268
- You... You want to get Jess back, right?
- Yeah.
1253
00:48:14,977 --> 00:48:17,771
Then you got to sad astronaut, bro.
1254
00:48:19,356 --> 00:48:21,149
Let's get some diapers.
1255
00:48:21,233 --> 00:48:22,651
MAN: (RAPPING) La-da-da-da-dah
1256
00:48:22,734 --> 00:48:24,736
It's the motherfuckin' D-O-double-G
1257
00:48:24,820 --> 00:48:26,321
Snoop Dogg!
1258
00:48:26,405 --> 00:48:28,699
La-da-da-da-dah, you know I'm mobbin'
1259
00:48:28,824 --> 00:48:30,409
With the D-R-E
1260
00:48:30,492 --> 00:48:32,452
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know who's back
1261
00:48:32,536 --> 00:48:34,663
Up in this motherfucker?
1262
00:48:34,746 --> 00:48:36,540
What, what, what, what...
1263
00:48:36,623 --> 00:48:38,875
Not this brand! These leak!
1264
00:48:39,042 --> 00:48:41,253
♪♪
1265
00:48:49,052 --> 00:48:50,470
La-da-da-da-dah
1266
00:48:50,554 --> 00:48:52,514
It's the motherfuckin' D-R-E
1267
00:48:52,598 --> 00:48:54,099
- Dr. Dre, motherfucker
- What, what, what, what
1268
00:48:54,182 --> 00:48:55,434
La-da-da-da-dah
1269
00:48:55,517 --> 00:48:57,936
You know I'm mobbin' with the D-O-double-G
1270
00:48:58,020 --> 00:49:00,314
Straight off the fuckin' streets of C-P-T
1271
00:49:00,397 --> 00:49:02,190
King of the beats, you ride to 'em
1272
00:49:02,274 --> 00:49:03,567
- In your Fleet
- Fleetwood
1273
00:49:03,650 --> 00:49:05,777
Or Coupe de Ville rollin' on dubs
1274
00:49:05,861 --> 00:49:08,113
How you feel? Whoopty-whoop, nigga, what?
1275
00:49:08,196 --> 00:49:09,531
It's the next episode
1276
00:49:09,615 --> 00:49:10,866
(OTHERS GRUNTING)
1277
00:49:10,949 --> 00:49:13,577
- JESS: Jesus Christ.
- ALICE: It's not that bad.
1278
00:49:13,785 --> 00:49:16,330
- I think it's the body on top.
- (OTHERS GRUNTING)
1279
00:49:16,496 --> 00:49:18,290
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Okay.
1280
00:49:19,041 --> 00:49:21,793
Okay, wait, does anyone know
how to actually drive this thing, or...
1281
00:49:21,877 --> 00:49:22,878
PIPPA: I could do it.
1282
00:49:23,045 --> 00:49:28,216
I, uh, I took one to school every day
growing up, so, I feel pretty confident.
1283
00:49:28,300 --> 00:49:29,426
- Great.
- Perfect.
1284
00:49:30,552 --> 00:49:31,678
- LEA: Hello!
- JESS: Oh, shit.
1285
00:49:32,220 --> 00:49:34,681
- Hello!
- FRANKIE: Oh, my gosh. Shit!
1286
00:49:34,765 --> 00:49:36,058
- The neighbors!
- Get him off. Get him off.
1287
00:49:36,141 --> 00:49:37,476
Okay, oh, my God, oh, my God, what do we do?
1288
00:49:37,559 --> 00:49:39,353
- No, no... Okay. All right.
- JESS: No, no!
1289
00:49:39,728 --> 00:49:41,271
(LAUGHING)
1290
00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,274
- So happy to see you.
- Okay, uh...
1291
00:49:44,441 --> 00:49:46,360
- Nope.
- Dang.
1292
00:49:46,985 --> 00:49:48,820
We hoped you were skinny-dipping.
1293
00:49:49,404 --> 00:49:50,530
- No. (LAUGHING)
- No.
1294
00:49:50,614 --> 00:49:51,657
- Nope.
- Okay.
1295
00:49:51,865 --> 00:49:54,743
- My, my.
- What do we have here?
1296
00:49:55,410 --> 00:49:56,662
FRANKIE: Oh.
1297
00:49:56,745 --> 00:49:58,330
- WOMEN: Oh.
- BLAIR: Oh, wow.
1298
00:49:58,413 --> 00:50:02,709
Um, you know, I think they just wanted
to make love in international waters.
1299
00:50:02,959 --> 00:50:05,253
- PIETRO: Ah, yeah.
- Maybe they need our help.
1300
00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:09,549
Uh, no. I think we should probably let them
do their thing, you know?
1301
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:11,218
So, let's just...
1302
00:50:11,635 --> 00:50:13,720
Well, this certainly gets me in the mood.
1303
00:50:14,388 --> 00:50:15,806
- JESS: Hey, Blair.
- Oh. Uh-huh?
1304
00:50:15,889 --> 00:50:19,142
- You need a tampon?
- Um, maybe. (LAUGHS)
1305
00:50:19,226 --> 00:50:21,520
We just opened
a bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape,
1306
00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:24,231
and we're listening to some
remastered Fleetwood Mac.
1307
00:50:24,356 --> 00:50:26,942
- Oh, that's so nice.
- Oh! It is so good,
1308
00:50:27,025 --> 00:50:29,361
you could hear the cocaine in Stevie's voice.
1309
00:50:29,444 --> 00:50:30,737
- I bet.
- We'd love for you to join us.
1310
00:50:30,821 --> 00:50:32,739
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Um, no pressure.
1311
00:50:32,823 --> 00:50:35,075
Unless it's asked for.
1312
00:50:35,325 --> 00:50:37,327
(LAUGHS) Okay.
1313
00:50:37,869 --> 00:50:39,371
I am fully exhausted.
1314
00:50:39,454 --> 00:50:41,581
- So tired, you know?
- Oh, understood.
1315
00:50:41,665 --> 00:50:43,333
We're fluent in body language.
1316
00:50:43,417 --> 00:50:44,918
Oh, I bet you are.
1317
00:50:45,127 --> 00:50:47,295
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1318
00:50:47,671 --> 00:50:49,089
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
1319
00:50:49,297 --> 00:50:51,133
ALICE: All right.
1320
00:50:51,466 --> 00:50:53,510
- (BLAIR LAUGHS)
- (THUDS)
1321
00:50:53,802 --> 00:50:54,845
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
1322
00:50:54,928 --> 00:50:56,680
- Pippa. They're gone. Pippa.
- They're moving out.
1323
00:50:56,763 --> 00:50:58,348
- What is going on there?
- Pippa!
1324
00:50:58,432 --> 00:50:59,641
- Pippa!
- What?
1325
00:50:59,850 --> 00:51:01,351
Oh, my God. Wow.
1326
00:51:01,435 --> 00:51:02,811
Yeah. Okay.
1327
00:51:02,978 --> 00:51:03,979
(EXHALES)
1328
00:51:05,230 --> 00:51:06,565
- Sorry.
- ALICE: Wow, dude.
1329
00:51:06,690 --> 00:51:08,358
- Let's dump him, yeah?
- ALICE: Yeah, let's dump him.
1330
00:51:08,442 --> 00:51:09,651
PIPPA: Let's do the dump.
1331
00:51:11,862 --> 00:51:13,947
(QUIET GRUNTING)
1332
00:51:15,574 --> 00:51:18,034
- Oof.
- Okay, Spanish language CDs.
1333
00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:19,786
Uh, if Jess hooked up with a Spanish speaker,
1334
00:51:19,870 --> 00:51:21,538
- you're gonna want to reason with him.
- Gracias.
1335
00:51:22,205 --> 00:51:24,082
Oh, um, and I got this
generic Russian Adderall.
1336
00:51:24,166 --> 00:51:25,584
My little brother ordered it online.
1337
00:51:25,667 --> 00:51:26,877
It will help you focus.
1338
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:29,963
It's super strong, but it is expired, so...
1339
00:51:30,213 --> 00:51:31,465
- Thank you so much.
- Hey.
1340
00:51:31,548 --> 00:51:32,966
- I love you.
- I love you, too, dude.
1341
00:51:33,049 --> 00:51:35,302
- Get her back.
- Thanks.
1342
00:51:36,011 --> 00:51:38,096
- Mmm...
- (LIQUID SPLATTERING)
1343
00:51:38,305 --> 00:51:39,556
You are peeing.
1344
00:51:39,639 --> 00:51:41,141
I'm so scared.
1345
00:51:42,851 --> 00:51:45,562
I feel like we should say something.
1346
00:51:45,854 --> 00:51:46,980
- FRANKIE: Yeah.
- BLAIR: Yeah. Good idea.
1347
00:51:48,523 --> 00:51:50,233
We're really sorry.
1348
00:51:50,734 --> 00:51:51,902
You deserved better.
1349
00:51:51,985 --> 00:51:53,069
- BLAIR: Mmm.
- FRANKIE AND ALICE: Yeah.
1350
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:56,031
There's nothing we could do
to bring you back, but...
1351
00:51:56,364 --> 00:51:59,826
We promise to spend the rest of our lives
trying to be better people.
1352
00:52:01,661 --> 00:52:04,206
- We owe that to you.
- ALICE: Mmm-hmm.
1353
00:52:05,290 --> 00:52:06,583
God, we're so sorry.
1354
00:52:07,292 --> 00:52:08,335
So sorry.
1355
00:52:08,710 --> 00:52:09,878
So sorry, man.
1356
00:52:10,420 --> 00:52:11,671
We suck.
1357
00:52:12,047 --> 00:52:14,758
(SIGHING, SNIFFLING)
1358
00:52:15,550 --> 00:52:17,302
Okay, you can dump him now!
1359
00:52:17,677 --> 00:52:19,304
Aye aye, Captain.
1360
00:52:19,888 --> 00:52:22,265
(STARTS ENGINE)
1361
00:52:24,017 --> 00:52:26,102
This never happened. Right?
1362
00:52:26,853 --> 00:52:28,814
- Nope.
- It... It happened.
1363
00:52:29,105 --> 00:52:30,273
Right?
1364
00:52:30,899 --> 00:52:32,776
- No, we're not gonna talk about it.
- Oh, got it, got it.
1365
00:52:34,820 --> 00:52:36,613
Okay, bye. (GRUNTS)
1366
00:52:36,696 --> 00:52:37,864
- BLAIR: Oh.
- JESS: Whoa.
1367
00:52:37,948 --> 00:52:40,158
That could have been more delicate, huh?
1368
00:52:40,367 --> 00:52:42,619
(ENGINE ROARING)
1369
00:52:43,745 --> 00:52:44,996
She's going really fast.
1370
00:52:45,622 --> 00:52:46,748
I did it!
1371
00:52:46,832 --> 00:52:49,584
- Oh, my God, what the fuck is she doing?
- What is she doing?
1372
00:52:50,502 --> 00:52:52,712
- (YELLS)
- BLAIR: Holy shit!
1373
00:52:53,380 --> 00:52:55,632
- ALICE: Oh, my God!
- JESS: Are you okay?
1374
00:52:56,424 --> 00:52:58,260
- I'm good. I'm really good.
- (NECK CRACKS)
1375
00:52:59,010 --> 00:53:01,680
Are you sure,
'cause you landed right on your neck.
1376
00:53:01,888 --> 00:53:04,891
Yeah, I just did a sort of straight shot,
landed on the neck...
1377
00:53:04,975 --> 00:53:06,726
- (CRACK)
- ...snap, and we're back up.
1378
00:53:07,143 --> 00:53:08,270
- It was good.
- What happened?
1379
00:53:08,353 --> 00:53:09,771
I thought you knew how to drive those things.
1380
00:53:09,855 --> 00:53:13,567
Yeah, no, I definitely do, but, um,
I think the gas and the brake are different
1381
00:53:13,650 --> 00:53:15,277
- in Australia, so I got confused.
- (CRACK)
1382
00:53:15,443 --> 00:53:18,363
- How are you alive right now?
- I don't know.
1383
00:53:18,488 --> 00:53:20,115
But I'll take it.
1384
00:53:20,699 --> 00:53:21,992
(LAUGHING)
1385
00:53:22,534 --> 00:53:24,911
Well, body dumped, girl's alive.
1386
00:53:25,829 --> 00:53:27,914
- What's next?
- We should get the fuck out of here.
1387
00:53:27,998 --> 00:53:29,583
- Great idea.
- Yeah, I like that.
1388
00:53:30,125 --> 00:53:32,335
- JESS: Let's do that.
- BLAIR: You sure you're okay?
1389
00:53:36,756 --> 00:53:37,757
Guys?
1390
00:53:38,174 --> 00:53:40,051
She should probably get a CAT scan.
1391
00:53:40,135 --> 00:53:41,261
PIPPA: Okay.
1392
00:53:43,013 --> 00:53:44,097
She's fine.
1393
00:53:44,806 --> 00:53:46,975
- (WOMEN GRUNTING)
- (WHEELS SQUEAKING)
1394
00:53:47,392 --> 00:53:50,061
- Is there any more pizza left?
- I don't think so.
1395
00:53:50,145 --> 00:53:51,146
No!
1396
00:53:51,479 --> 00:53:52,731
Jesus, dude, we can order more.
1397
00:53:52,814 --> 00:53:54,441
No, not that. That!
1398
00:53:54,733 --> 00:53:56,568
- BLAIR: What?
- ALICE: The sexy neighbors!
1399
00:53:56,651 --> 00:53:58,528
- Oh...
- They have footage of us dumping the body.
1400
00:53:58,904 --> 00:54:00,572
We should just turn ourselves in, right?
1401
00:54:00,739 --> 00:54:02,240
- We're fucked.
- No.
1402
00:54:02,490 --> 00:54:05,327
We got rid of the body. We just have to
get rid of the footage, that's all.
1403
00:54:05,410 --> 00:54:06,453
- Right?
- ALICE: Yes.
1404
00:54:06,703 --> 00:54:07,871
- Yep. Yep.
- Yeah, okay.
1405
00:54:07,954 --> 00:54:09,664
- Yes.
- Well, how?
1406
00:54:10,123 --> 00:54:12,667
FRANKIE: Um...
1407
00:54:15,378 --> 00:54:16,504
No.
1408
00:54:17,255 --> 00:54:18,298
Absolutely not.
1409
00:54:18,381 --> 00:54:19,758
Thank you. Oh.
1410
00:54:19,841 --> 00:54:21,843
WOMAN: (SINGING) Make love to me
1411
00:54:22,093 --> 00:54:24,054
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1412
00:54:24,804 --> 00:54:26,514
BLAIR: Mmm.
1413
00:54:27,265 --> 00:54:29,017
Your house is so, um...
1414
00:54:30,727 --> 00:54:32,854
- Funky.
- Thank you.
1415
00:54:33,146 --> 00:54:34,314
You should see our panic room.
1416
00:54:34,397 --> 00:54:35,857
(LAUGHING)
1417
00:54:37,484 --> 00:54:38,485
(CHUCKLES)
1418
00:54:39,653 --> 00:54:40,737
Mmm.
1419
00:54:41,071 --> 00:54:42,238
May I?
1420
00:54:42,906 --> 00:54:44,366
Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.
1421
00:54:45,700 --> 00:54:46,701
(GASPS)
1422
00:54:49,287 --> 00:54:52,123
It's happening. God, you make me red-hot.
1423
00:54:54,459 --> 00:54:56,378
(BOTH MOAN)
1424
00:55:00,548 --> 00:55:02,425
(ALL MOANING)
1425
00:55:03,468 --> 00:55:06,638
(LAUGHS) You know what would be
really, really sexy?
1426
00:55:07,013 --> 00:55:08,223
Please tell me.
1427
00:55:08,890 --> 00:55:10,016
If we got this on tape.
1428
00:55:12,018 --> 00:55:14,104
Oh, you naughty girl.
1429
00:55:14,229 --> 00:55:15,730
- BLAIR: Mmm-hmm.
- LEA: Ooh.
1430
00:55:15,897 --> 00:55:17,315
BLAIR: Oh! (LAUGHS)
1431
00:55:17,399 --> 00:55:21,987
Actually, I noticed that you guys have
these cameras outside and it's always been
1432
00:55:22,487 --> 00:55:26,241
a fantasy of mine to get caught
on a security camera, so...
1433
00:55:29,035 --> 00:55:30,078
Mesdemoiselles?
1434
00:55:30,954 --> 00:55:32,414
Oh, okay. Okay.
1435
00:55:32,497 --> 00:55:33,915
(LEA GIGGLES)
1436
00:55:35,667 --> 00:55:36,835
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
1437
00:55:37,168 --> 00:55:39,504
(PIETRO AND LEA MOANING)
1438
00:55:39,587 --> 00:55:44,050
WOMAN: (SINGING)
It's all I can do to see this through
1439
00:55:44,134 --> 00:55:45,427
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
1440
00:55:45,552 --> 00:55:47,804
See it through
1441
00:55:47,887 --> 00:55:49,014
Okay.
1442
00:55:49,097 --> 00:55:51,975
It's all that I want
1443
00:55:52,934 --> 00:55:56,146
- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- Is it okay that we're watching this?
1444
00:55:56,563 --> 00:56:00,316
Yeah, we're watching for Blair.
You know, for her safety. We're monitoring.
1445
00:56:00,442 --> 00:56:02,777
- Man, Blair looks great.
- Yeah, she looks great.
1446
00:56:03,153 --> 00:56:05,363
- LEA: You ready?
- Uh...
1447
00:56:06,072 --> 00:56:07,866
- Yeah, think so.
- All right.
1448
00:56:08,283 --> 00:56:09,284
(CHUCKLES)
1449
00:56:09,367 --> 00:56:11,953
- Oh! (GASPING, LAUGHING)
- Relax.
1450
00:56:12,620 --> 00:56:13,663
- Oh!
- I've got you.
1451
00:56:13,997 --> 00:56:15,415
- BLAIR: Holy shit!
- Oh, my...
1452
00:56:15,623 --> 00:56:17,917
- Interesting.
- She's showing off. To me.
1453
00:56:18,251 --> 00:56:19,669
- BLAIR: Yes! Yes!
- (LAUGHS) Whoa.
1454
00:56:19,753 --> 00:56:21,004
Give me those. Give me those.
1455
00:56:22,130 --> 00:56:24,966
- Oh...
- (HORN HONKS)
1456
00:56:25,133 --> 00:56:28,470
Sadness, look at us now
1457
00:56:28,595 --> 00:56:31,056
- (SLURPS)
- (CLATTERS)
1458
00:56:31,139 --> 00:56:33,308
The best of me, sadness
1459
00:56:33,391 --> 00:56:34,768
(LINE RINGING)
1460
00:56:34,851 --> 00:56:36,644
ON VOICE MAIL:
Hey, it's Jess. Leave a message.
1461
00:56:37,020 --> 00:56:38,396
Jess, it's Peter.
1462
00:56:39,647 --> 00:56:41,816
How are you? Um...
1463
00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:46,988
Just calling again. Okay. (CHUCKLES) Oh, man.
1464
00:56:47,405 --> 00:56:49,074
What a story this'll be, huh?
1465
00:56:49,574 --> 00:56:51,659
For the grand kids. If we get married.
1466
00:56:51,868 --> 00:56:54,954
Um, do me a favor, call me back.
Let me know you're okay.
1467
00:56:55,163 --> 00:56:57,582
Got burned but I learned
it was all for the better
1468
00:56:57,916 --> 00:57:00,001
I love you so much. Please call me. Bye.
1469
00:57:00,168 --> 00:57:03,797
Back together, never thought
I could take all the wrongs
1470
00:57:03,922 --> 00:57:07,008
And turn them to right
1471
00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:11,763
Tonight
1472
00:57:11,930 --> 00:57:14,974
Sadness, look at us now
1473
00:57:15,183 --> 00:57:16,851
(LINE RINGING)
1474
00:57:17,018 --> 00:57:18,686
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey,
it's Jess. Leave a message.
1475
00:57:18,853 --> 00:57:20,939
- (BEEPS)
- Jess!
1476
00:57:21,314 --> 00:57:22,440
BLAIR: Yes!
1477
00:57:22,524 --> 00:57:24,818
- (PANTING)
- (MOANING)
1478
00:57:24,901 --> 00:57:26,194
(CHUCKLES)
1479
00:57:26,277 --> 00:57:28,154
- (PANTING)
- (WHOOPS)
1480
00:57:28,238 --> 00:57:30,240
- (EXHALES) Ho!
- Oh.
1481
00:57:30,323 --> 00:57:34,202
Um, I would love
a copy of the tape, you know,
1482
00:57:34,285 --> 00:57:37,122
for, like, jerking off later, whatever.
1483
00:57:37,622 --> 00:57:39,332
Me, too. What's the tape?
1484
00:57:40,291 --> 00:57:42,877
The tape. The, uh...
The naughty tape we just made.
1485
00:57:42,961 --> 00:57:44,504
You know, the DVD or the...
1486
00:57:44,838 --> 00:57:46,589
You know, from the cameras.
1487
00:57:46,714 --> 00:57:49,217
- Oh. (SCOFFS) Those don't work.
- (CHUCKLES)
1488
00:57:49,509 --> 00:57:52,720
- Excuse me, what?
- Yeah, they don't work, like she said.
1489
00:57:52,846 --> 00:57:54,889
But we know that's not what this was about.
1490
00:57:54,973 --> 00:57:56,766
Right? This was fantasy fulfillment.
1491
00:57:57,308 --> 00:57:59,727
- Creating a mise en scène.
- I'm sorry. Why, um...
1492
00:58:01,271 --> 00:58:04,232
Why would someone have
security cameras that don't work?
1493
00:58:04,482 --> 00:58:05,900
They didn't charge us
for the first three months.
1494
00:58:05,984 --> 00:58:07,360
After that, we didn't want
to pay for the service.
1495
00:58:07,652 --> 00:58:09,112
LEA: You know, they keep out the riffraff.
1496
00:58:09,445 --> 00:58:11,823
You'll just have to jerk off
as the Italians do.
1497
00:58:12,365 --> 00:58:13,992
- To your memories.
- Mmm.
1498
00:58:16,578 --> 00:58:20,290
Wait, so, Blair, so there's no footage?
1499
00:58:20,790 --> 00:58:22,500
- (URINATING)
- No.
1500
00:58:22,917 --> 00:58:24,961
- Ah!
- Oh, my gosh. So we're in the clear!
1501
00:58:25,044 --> 00:58:26,921
- (LAUGHING)
- That is... That's great.
1502
00:58:27,005 --> 00:58:29,424
- Yeah.
- BLAIR: She was so intuitive.
1503
00:58:31,426 --> 00:58:33,636
She was inside me.
1504
00:58:34,637 --> 00:58:36,181
And then she was outside me.
1505
00:58:38,516 --> 00:58:40,143
And then she was me.
1506
00:58:41,352 --> 00:58:44,898
- So, we're good.
- Almost, except I probably have HPV now.
1507
00:58:45,315 --> 00:58:46,441
Whatever. We all have HPV.
1508
00:58:46,649 --> 00:58:48,985
Oh, uh, I mean, I don't have HPV.
1509
00:58:49,485 --> 00:58:54,115
Alice, they say if you had sex
after the year 1991, you have HPV.
1510
00:58:54,782 --> 00:58:56,743
Then, I mean, I definitely have HPV then.
1511
00:58:56,993 --> 00:58:59,037
I have, like, clumps and clumps of it.
1512
00:59:00,580 --> 00:59:03,041
Cool. Uh, let's clean up
and get the hell out of here.
1513
00:59:03,249 --> 00:59:04,334
- Okay.
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
1514
00:59:05,084 --> 00:59:06,586
I call it housework
1515
00:59:06,669 --> 00:59:08,630
'Cause it's light work
1516
00:59:08,713 --> 00:59:10,256
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
- I'm-a throw shapes
1517
00:59:10,340 --> 00:59:12,258
Feeling the bass till my feet hurt
1518
00:59:12,675 --> 00:59:15,970
I call it housework, 'cause it's light work
1519
00:59:16,095 --> 00:59:17,972
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
- But I'm-a throw shade
1520
00:59:18,139 --> 00:59:19,933
If I don't get paid for this housework
1521
00:59:20,433 --> 00:59:21,976
Would you come along
1522
00:59:22,060 --> 00:59:23,770
Oh, with my friends
1523
00:59:23,853 --> 00:59:25,855
And to leave, I'm working
1524
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:28,441
- Every weekend
- Housework
1525
00:59:28,691 --> 00:59:29,692
Wow.
1526
00:59:30,109 --> 00:59:31,569
- Okay.
- Looks pretty good.
1527
00:59:31,653 --> 00:59:33,029
- We did good.
- Got it.
1528
00:59:33,112 --> 00:59:36,074
- Yes. Nice. High five, everyone.
- Lovely.
1529
00:59:36,574 --> 00:59:38,618
Whatcha gon' do, gon' do?
1530
00:59:38,743 --> 00:59:40,828
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
1531
00:59:41,079 --> 00:59:43,706
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1532
00:59:44,123 --> 00:59:46,209
WOMAN: (ON TAPE) This child is not my son.
1533
00:59:47,502 --> 00:59:49,254
(SIREN WAILING)
1534
00:59:51,547 --> 00:59:53,174
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
1535
00:59:53,383 --> 00:59:55,468
- (SIREN WHOOPING)
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1536
00:59:56,386 --> 00:59:58,429
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
1537
00:59:59,222 --> 01:00:01,307
PETER: Shit. My pants.
1538
01:00:01,891 --> 01:00:04,852
- (GROANS)
- (CLATTERING)
1539
01:00:05,228 --> 01:00:07,188
(SINGSONGY) I don't have time for this.
1540
01:00:16,781 --> 01:00:18,032
Good evening, Officer.
1541
01:00:18,157 --> 01:00:19,659
How can I be of service to you?
1542
01:00:20,201 --> 01:00:22,161
- Sir, you been drinking?
- Absolutely not.
1543
01:00:22,453 --> 01:00:25,123
I did do a wine tasting earlier this evening,
Italian reds mostly,
1544
01:00:25,206 --> 01:00:26,791
but you don't really drink it,
you mostly spit.
1545
01:00:26,874 --> 01:00:28,167
You take sips and you spit into a bucket.
1546
01:00:28,251 --> 01:00:30,670
What the... All right, sir, I'm gonna ask
you to get out of the vehicle.
1547
01:00:30,753 --> 01:00:31,838
- No.
- Now!
1548
01:00:31,921 --> 01:00:33,214
- Officer...
- Now!
1549
01:00:33,423 --> 01:00:35,258
Hands. Move slow.
1550
01:00:38,553 --> 01:00:40,471
(CLATTERING)
1551
01:00:42,307 --> 01:00:43,599
Officer, I can explain.
1552
01:00:44,309 --> 01:00:45,393
She's a 20!
1553
01:00:46,519 --> 01:00:47,603
ALICE: Okay, before we go,
1554
01:00:48,021 --> 01:00:49,522
we got to do human friendtipede, yeah?
1555
01:00:49,605 --> 01:00:50,648
- What?
- Alice.
1556
01:00:50,732 --> 01:00:52,025
- No way.
- ALICE: Yes.
1557
01:00:52,483 --> 01:00:54,902
- It's tradition.
- Alice, quick "Q."
1558
01:00:55,528 --> 01:00:57,238
What is a human friendtipede?
1559
01:00:57,447 --> 01:01:00,408
It's a photo we always take
that's like the movie Human Centipede.
1560
01:01:00,575 --> 01:01:03,995
Where they're sewn together,
mouth to anus, but it's with friends,
1561
01:01:04,120 --> 01:01:06,331
- so it's special.
- Come on now, Alice.
1562
01:01:06,456 --> 01:01:08,291
- I don't know about that.
- I feel like not the appropriate...
1563
01:01:08,499 --> 01:01:11,336
Guys, if I don't post a ton of pictures
from this weekend,
1564
01:01:11,502 --> 01:01:12,920
it's gonna look suspicious.
1565
01:01:13,087 --> 01:01:14,213
Like we killed someone.
1566
01:01:14,797 --> 01:01:17,008
(SIGHS)
Okay. I can't believe I'm saying this,
1567
01:01:17,091 --> 01:01:18,593
but I think we should
do the human friendtipede.
1568
01:01:18,760 --> 01:01:21,929
- Yes!
- But we cannot photograph the crime scene.
1569
01:01:22,013 --> 01:01:23,598
(CHUCKLES) Okay. I get the middle.
1570
01:01:24,682 --> 01:01:26,476
(GROANS) Why do you want the middle?
1571
01:01:27,060 --> 01:01:29,145
Okay. Oh, my God, amazoir.
1572
01:01:29,771 --> 01:01:31,439
Say "friendtipede."
1573
01:01:31,522 --> 01:01:32,982
ALL: Friendtipede!
1574
01:01:33,483 --> 01:01:35,651
(GASPS) Cute.
1575
01:01:35,818 --> 01:01:37,528
(LAUGHS) Yes!
1576
01:01:37,612 --> 01:01:39,322
- Let's see it.
- It's ridiculous.
1577
01:01:39,405 --> 01:01:40,490
(ALICE SCREAMS)
1578
01:01:40,573 --> 01:01:43,743
- Alice, stop. You look really pretty.
- No, look!
1579
01:01:44,827 --> 01:01:45,828
(GASPING)
1580
01:01:46,079 --> 01:01:49,582
- Oh, my God.
- No! Come on! No!
1581
01:01:50,083 --> 01:01:52,335
- Oh, shit! Damn it!
- Is that our guy?
1582
01:01:52,418 --> 01:01:53,419
(JESS GROANING)
1583
01:01:53,544 --> 01:01:55,129
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, shit!
1584
01:01:55,421 --> 01:01:56,798
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
1585
01:01:57,006 --> 01:01:59,092
(GRUNTING) God,
I thought you weighed him down.
1586
01:01:59,217 --> 01:02:02,387
I did. I put rocks in his pockets.
I guess his pants fell off.
1587
01:02:02,553 --> 01:02:04,222
Men need to wear belts.
1588
01:02:04,347 --> 01:02:06,808
Yeah. How dare they not sink
when we murder them.
1589
01:02:08,309 --> 01:02:11,229
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O,
1590
01:02:11,312 --> 01:02:15,066
N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
1591
01:02:15,525 --> 01:02:17,652
(GRUNTING)
1592
01:02:19,028 --> 01:02:21,114
(EXHALING)
1593
01:02:24,784 --> 01:02:25,910
Okay.
1594
01:02:26,577 --> 01:02:28,121
(EXHALES)
1595
01:02:28,329 --> 01:02:30,331
(WAVERING SCOFFS)
1596
01:02:31,916 --> 01:02:33,292
Did you see that?
1597
01:02:34,544 --> 01:02:38,965
- You only had to walk a straight line.
- I know. I just followed my body.
1598
01:02:39,382 --> 01:02:40,967
- Are you a dancer or...
- No.
1599
01:02:41,050 --> 01:02:43,010
I've never done anything
like that before in my life.
1600
01:02:43,469 --> 01:02:44,846
I still got to give you a speeding ticket.
1601
01:02:45,179 --> 01:02:46,806
Please. That's great.
1602
01:02:47,265 --> 01:02:48,349
Slow down.
1603
01:02:48,641 --> 01:02:50,518
- Thank you, Officer.
- I almost shot you.
1604
01:02:50,643 --> 01:02:53,855
(CHUCKLES) I know. That was nuts.
Also, don't shoot anybody.
1605
01:02:54,856 --> 01:02:56,816
(GROANING)
1606
01:02:56,899 --> 01:02:59,110
We can't get rid of his body
in broad daylight, you guys.
1607
01:02:59,193 --> 01:03:01,195
We have to think of something. Come on.
1608
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:02,780
- (SIGHS)
- Ideas?
1609
01:03:02,864 --> 01:03:04,449
- (SNORING)
- Kiwi! You up?
1610
01:03:04,532 --> 01:03:05,908
Yeah. Yeah.
1611
01:03:05,992 --> 01:03:09,120
- We need everyone's brain on this, so...
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
1612
01:03:09,454 --> 01:03:11,873
So, um, here's what I'm gonna do.
1613
01:03:12,206 --> 01:03:13,708
I'm gonna go to the beach
1614
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:15,960
and do a bit of mindful meditation.
1615
01:03:16,169 --> 01:03:18,212
And, um, when I come back,
1616
01:03:18,337 --> 01:03:20,131
I'm gonna have a be-genius idea.
1617
01:03:20,673 --> 01:03:22,758
Yeah? All right.
1618
01:03:23,301 --> 01:03:24,760
(YAWNS) We got it.
1619
01:03:25,219 --> 01:03:27,930
(GASPS) We're never gonna
get rid of his body.
1620
01:03:28,514 --> 01:03:30,391
He's gonna follow us around
for the rest of our lives.
1621
01:03:30,725 --> 01:03:32,310
- BLAIR: Oh, God.
- FRANKIE: Oh, no.
1622
01:03:32,477 --> 01:03:33,478
- (LOUD POUNDING)
- MAN: Police!
1623
01:03:33,561 --> 01:03:35,813
- Shit.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
1624
01:03:35,897 --> 01:03:37,940
Do you think the neighbors called them?
Maybe they got suspicious.
1625
01:03:38,399 --> 01:03:40,109
- Oh, my God.
- Police! Open up! Now!
1626
01:03:40,359 --> 01:03:43,529
Women, this is my world. I will handle this.
I got you.
1627
01:03:44,197 --> 01:03:45,531
Turn out the lights and hide.
1628
01:03:45,698 --> 01:03:48,242
(POUNDING CONTINUES)
1629
01:03:52,580 --> 01:03:54,499
(MIMICS GUN COCKING, BLOWS)
1630
01:03:57,919 --> 01:04:01,297
(HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, good evening, Officer.
(CHUCKLES)
1631
01:04:01,631 --> 01:04:02,882
Step aside, miss.
1632
01:04:03,216 --> 01:04:04,717
What's this all about?
1633
01:04:05,009 --> 01:04:06,135
Put your hands where I can see them.
1634
01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:10,056
(NORMAL VOICE) Officer, I am cooperating.
You see? Hello.
1635
01:04:10,139 --> 01:04:11,474
Get your hands against the wall.
1636
01:04:11,557 --> 01:04:12,683
- I am not...
- Get your hands against the wall!
1637
01:04:12,767 --> 01:04:14,810
FRANKIE: I am taking a passive stance.
1638
01:04:14,894 --> 01:04:16,687
My body is limp for you!
1639
01:04:17,063 --> 01:04:18,439
Spread them.
1640
01:04:18,606 --> 01:04:20,942
(FRANKIE WHIMPERING)
1641
01:04:23,444 --> 01:04:25,530
What are you doing? No.
1642
01:04:25,988 --> 01:04:27,281
No! No!
1643
01:04:27,448 --> 01:04:28,950
(GRUNTING)
1644
01:04:29,367 --> 01:04:31,202
- Fuck!
- Jesus!
1645
01:04:32,119 --> 01:04:35,164
- Frankie! Frankie!
- Oh, my God.
1646
01:04:35,456 --> 01:04:37,708
Now we have a dead guy
and an unconscious cop?
1647
01:04:37,792 --> 01:04:39,460
- What is wrong with you?
- Are you kidding me?
1648
01:04:39,544 --> 01:04:42,338
He's obviously a rape cop.
This is what they do!
1649
01:04:42,547 --> 01:04:44,298
When they have dirt on you,
they sexually assault you,
1650
01:04:44,382 --> 01:04:45,675
knowing you won't report it.
1651
01:04:45,925 --> 01:04:48,386
- Daniel Holtzclaw, Oklahoma City?
- Who?
1652
01:04:48,636 --> 01:04:50,221
He sexually assaulted eight women.
1653
01:04:50,972 --> 01:04:52,848
Like Matt Dillon in Crash.
1654
01:04:53,140 --> 01:04:55,768
- Oh, my God, that was horrendous.
- What a nightmare.
1655
01:04:55,851 --> 01:04:58,229
Information is power, guys.
I mean it. I mean it.
1656
01:04:58,312 --> 01:04:59,605
Okay, chill out. You're from Brentwood,
1657
01:04:59,689 --> 01:05:01,482
and your dad used to be
John Mayer's accountant.
1658
01:05:02,066 --> 01:05:05,570
Okay. "You are not your father's daughters
but mothers unto your own."
1659
01:05:05,653 --> 01:05:06,946
Wait, is that John Mayer?
1660
01:05:07,280 --> 01:05:08,990
It's Malcolm X.
1661
01:05:09,699 --> 01:05:11,284
- Pretty sure it's John Mayer.
- (SINGING) Fathers, fathers
1662
01:05:11,492 --> 01:05:13,286
Okay, you guys, you guys,
we have to move this guy
1663
01:05:13,369 --> 01:05:15,913
before the neighbors return
to eat Blair out again.
1664
01:05:16,163 --> 01:05:17,999
- (GROANS)
- I'd be fine with that.
1665
01:05:18,082 --> 01:05:19,292
- All right.
- Fuck.
1666
01:05:19,375 --> 01:05:21,294
All right, one, two, three.
1667
01:05:22,712 --> 01:05:24,171
(ALL GASP)
1668
01:05:25,298 --> 01:05:26,299
Uh...
1669
01:05:27,341 --> 01:05:30,803
Frankie, how many strippers did you order?
1670
01:05:32,221 --> 01:05:33,514
Just the one.
1671
01:05:34,390 --> 01:05:36,267
Then who's this guy?
1672
01:05:37,810 --> 01:05:39,228
- Let me see his dick real quick.
- Good call.
1673
01:05:39,395 --> 01:05:41,814
- Wait, what?
- The stripper I ordered had a dick pic
1674
01:05:41,897 --> 01:05:43,399
in his ad. No face.
1675
01:05:43,482 --> 01:05:46,861
- But I can ID him by his member.
- Cool. Okay.
1676
01:05:48,321 --> 01:05:49,322
(SIGHS)
1677
01:05:51,699 --> 01:05:53,075
I'm not sure.
1678
01:05:53,159 --> 01:05:54,744
He had a boner in his ad.
1679
01:05:54,827 --> 01:05:56,203
This one's soft.
1680
01:05:56,621 --> 01:05:59,457
I can get it hard. Let's go, feet.
1681
01:05:59,749 --> 01:06:02,043
- What? No. No, no, no, no.
- Stop. No, wait. Stop, please.
1682
01:06:03,711 --> 01:06:04,712
(SIGHS)
1683
01:06:06,714 --> 01:06:07,715
(ELASTIC SNAPS)
1684
01:06:08,007 --> 01:06:10,176
Okay, yes. This is the stripper I ordered.
1685
01:06:10,635 --> 01:06:12,219
This is Scotty with the Body.
1686
01:06:13,596 --> 01:06:14,889
Then who did we kill?
1687
01:06:17,266 --> 01:06:19,769
- (WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
1688
01:06:32,907 --> 01:06:33,908
(BEEPS)
1689
01:06:35,451 --> 01:06:37,411
(RINGTONE PLAYS)
1690
01:06:38,788 --> 01:06:40,706
- Hello?
- AUTOMATED VOICE: This is Banknorth.
1691
01:06:40,790 --> 01:06:43,292
We have detected unusual activity
on your account.
1692
01:06:43,542 --> 01:06:45,044
If you have attempted a purchase at
1693
01:06:45,127 --> 01:06:48,339
Quickie Stop in Port St. Lucie,
please press one.
1694
01:06:49,882 --> 01:06:50,883
(BEEPS)
1695
01:06:51,050 --> 01:06:52,343
Thank you for pressing two.
1696
01:06:52,677 --> 01:06:55,054
Your card has been suspended
due to unusual activity.
1697
01:06:55,137 --> 01:06:56,430
No. No.
1698
01:06:57,306 --> 01:06:58,307
(SIGHS)
1699
01:06:59,433 --> 01:07:01,435
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1700
01:07:02,353 --> 01:07:03,354
(SIGHS)
1701
01:07:07,692 --> 01:07:09,068
(GROANS)
1702
01:07:11,737 --> 01:07:13,114
- BLAIR: How's that?
- ALICE: Yeah, that's good.
1703
01:07:15,282 --> 01:07:17,451
If you're looking for our cell phones,
I locked them in this drawer
1704
01:07:17,535 --> 01:07:18,786
and I'm not gonna open it, okay?
1705
01:07:19,078 --> 01:07:22,707
Please let me at least text Peter. I feel
like he's totally freaking out right now.
1706
01:07:22,832 --> 01:07:24,417
FRANKIE: Not until everything is sorted out.
1707
01:07:24,500 --> 01:07:25,751
We made a plan.
1708
01:07:26,544 --> 01:07:28,045
Um, Alice.
1709
01:07:28,129 --> 01:07:29,630
- What's up, dude? What are you doing?
- What?
1710
01:07:30,548 --> 01:07:32,633
Oh, I'm just making sure nothing's broken.
1711
01:07:33,008 --> 01:07:34,260
I think he's fine.
1712
01:07:34,552 --> 01:07:35,845
Yeah, he's really fine.
1713
01:07:36,178 --> 01:07:37,430
- Jesus.
- BLAIR: Oh, my God.
1714
01:07:37,513 --> 01:07:40,808
You need to masturbate more.
You're, like, severely horny.
1715
01:07:41,016 --> 01:07:44,311
(SIGHS) I know. I just don't like
to do it in front of my cockatiel.
1716
01:07:44,437 --> 01:07:45,771
She's very smart.
1717
01:07:46,105 --> 01:07:48,482
- Why don't you put her in a cage?
- She is in a cage.
1718
01:07:48,858 --> 01:07:50,484
But I'm loud. I'm a screamer.
1719
01:07:50,818 --> 01:07:52,486
- I remember.
- Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
1720
01:07:52,570 --> 01:07:54,864
And it kind of sounds like her.
1721
01:07:55,281 --> 01:07:56,741
So she thinks I'm talking to her.
1722
01:07:57,491 --> 01:07:59,368
I'm like,
"No, I'm just fucking touching myself."
1723
01:07:59,452 --> 01:08:01,412
- Like, "Back off."
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
1724
01:08:01,829 --> 01:08:03,622
Cool, so back to our life-changing emergency?
1725
01:08:03,789 --> 01:08:06,959
- (DISGUSTED GROANS)
- Okay, the stripper's here, he's alive.
1726
01:08:07,251 --> 01:08:09,503
- That's good. Right?
- JESS: Yeah.
1727
01:08:10,087 --> 01:08:12,256
Um, there is still a dead guy
in the closet, so...
1728
01:08:12,339 --> 01:08:14,049
- Who is that guy?
- BLAIR: We could get rid
1729
01:08:14,133 --> 01:08:16,093
of him if we just had a car, you know?
1730
01:08:16,427 --> 01:08:18,429
Oh, my God. How did this guy get here?
1731
01:08:19,430 --> 01:08:20,431
(BLAIR GASPS)
1732
01:08:22,016 --> 01:08:23,517
FRANKIE: Oh, yeah.
1733
01:08:23,851 --> 01:08:25,436
That'll work.
1734
01:08:26,228 --> 01:08:27,772
- Thank God!
- BLAIR: Will it?
1735
01:08:28,397 --> 01:08:31,108
All right, we're gonna drive
to the alligator bog, dump the body.
1736
01:08:31,650 --> 01:08:32,985
We're gonna return the Smart car,
1737
01:08:33,068 --> 01:08:36,030
wake up the G-string guy,
tell him he hit his head really hard.
1738
01:08:36,113 --> 01:08:37,990
- Blair's gonna give him a ton of cash.
- Wait, what?
1739
01:08:38,073 --> 01:08:40,117
- And then we're home free.
- I love it. Yeah.
1740
01:08:40,284 --> 01:08:42,536
♪♪
1741
01:08:48,501 --> 01:08:50,002
ALICE: Alligator bog.
1742
01:08:50,085 --> 01:08:53,339
GPS VOICE: You will arrive
at your destination in 45 minutes.
1743
01:08:53,923 --> 01:08:55,382
MAN: (SINGING) I'm a hustler, baby
1744
01:08:55,466 --> 01:08:56,675
(QUIETLY) Yeah.
1745
01:08:56,842 --> 01:08:59,094
That's what my daddy's made me
1746
01:08:59,512 --> 01:09:01,472
Can I do your...
Do you mind if I do your thing?
1747
01:09:02,807 --> 01:09:04,600
(LAUGHTER)
1748
01:09:04,683 --> 01:09:06,060
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
1749
01:09:06,143 --> 01:09:07,186
Don't litter.
1750
01:09:08,646 --> 01:09:10,773
Yeah, I'm a hustler, baby
1751
01:09:12,566 --> 01:09:14,568
That's what my daddy's made me
1752
01:09:14,902 --> 01:09:16,862
♪♪
1753
01:09:29,875 --> 01:09:31,335
All right.
1754
01:09:31,585 --> 01:09:33,921
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
1755
01:09:34,672 --> 01:09:36,173
- For you.
- Thank you so much.
1756
01:09:36,257 --> 01:09:38,092
So, I got meth.
1757
01:09:38,634 --> 01:09:40,427
You looking? 40 bucks.
1758
01:09:40,636 --> 01:09:43,639
No, thank you so much. I just need gas money.
1759
01:09:44,473 --> 01:09:47,268
Hey, listen, do you want
to suck my dick for 15 bucks?
1760
01:09:48,352 --> 01:09:50,187
- No. Thank you.
- Okay.
1761
01:09:50,521 --> 01:09:51,772
Good luck, man.
1762
01:09:51,981 --> 01:09:53,190
Thanks, man.
1763
01:09:53,816 --> 01:09:55,734
♪♪
1764
01:09:56,110 --> 01:09:58,445
(WHISTLING A TUNE)
1765
01:09:59,488 --> 01:10:01,448
GPS VOICE: You will arrive in 25 minutes.
1766
01:10:01,532 --> 01:10:03,117
BLAIR: (SCOFFS) This is so uncomfortable.
1767
01:10:03,409 --> 01:10:05,327
I mean, does this thing go any faster?
1768
01:10:08,455 --> 01:10:10,708
- BLAIR: Wait!
- JESS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
1769
01:10:11,000 --> 01:10:13,043
(GASPING, SCREAMING)
1770
01:10:13,335 --> 01:10:15,963
(GASPING BREATHS, WHIMPERING)
1771
01:10:19,174 --> 01:10:20,843
So it does go faster?
1772
01:10:21,343 --> 01:10:22,344
Mmm-hmm.
1773
01:10:22,636 --> 01:10:24,805
♪♪
1774
01:10:26,557 --> 01:10:27,558
(SIGHS)
1775
01:10:30,978 --> 01:10:33,063
- Hi, sir. May I...
- Whoa! Get the fuck away from my car.
1776
01:10:33,272 --> 01:10:34,815
- Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- God.
1777
01:10:35,441 --> 01:10:36,984
Let me suck your dick real fast.
1778
01:10:37,151 --> 01:10:38,235
What?
1779
01:10:38,777 --> 01:10:41,113
- Please?
- No. What is with this place?
1780
01:10:41,614 --> 01:10:43,073
Okay, listen...
1781
01:10:43,574 --> 01:10:44,742
Do you have any meth?
1782
01:10:46,327 --> 01:10:47,661
I'm a hustler, baby
1783
01:10:49,872 --> 01:10:52,374
- I could sell you meth, yeah. Um...
- Really?
1784
01:10:53,792 --> 01:10:56,086
- 80 bucks.
- 80, uh, dollars...
1785
01:10:56,629 --> 01:10:58,047
There you go.
1786
01:10:58,255 --> 01:11:00,007
♪♪
1787
01:11:03,177 --> 01:11:04,845
- (ELECTRONIC CHIMING)
- CLIFF: Do-do-do-do
1788
01:11:04,929 --> 01:11:06,263
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
1789
01:11:07,139 --> 01:11:09,683
- (WHISPERS) Um, I want to buy some meth.
- (GASPS) Oh!
1790
01:11:10,893 --> 01:11:12,686
Only thing is, though,
1791
01:11:12,978 --> 01:11:15,981
you got to do a little bump, though,
so I know that you're not a cop.
1792
01:11:16,065 --> 01:11:18,275
No, man. Please. I'm not a cop.
1793
01:11:18,567 --> 01:11:20,110
You want the meth or not?
1794
01:11:21,528 --> 01:11:22,529
Okay.
1795
01:11:22,780 --> 01:11:26,367
- Yay! Here we go.
- (SNIFFS)
1796
01:11:26,450 --> 01:11:28,911
- And one for Papa Bear.
- It burns. All right.
1797
01:11:29,078 --> 01:11:30,371
40 bucks. Not a cop. Come on.
1798
01:11:32,498 --> 01:11:34,708
- (QUIETLY) Yes. Great. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
1799
01:11:35,125 --> 01:11:37,544
So, uh, still a no-go on the BJ, or...
1800
01:11:38,003 --> 01:11:39,380
No, I'm good. Thanks.
1801
01:11:39,713 --> 01:11:41,298
That's fine.
1802
01:11:42,466 --> 01:11:43,842
Actually,
1803
01:11:44,510 --> 01:11:46,345
there's somebody I want to introduce you to.
1804
01:11:47,054 --> 01:11:48,889
- Right on!
- Very nice to meet you.
1805
01:11:48,973 --> 01:11:50,557
- Good to meet you, too.
- This is so perfect.
1806
01:11:50,641 --> 01:11:53,018
- Yeah, go. Please, go.
- Okay. Okay.
1807
01:11:54,061 --> 01:11:56,522
You got to do it, man. That's true love.
1808
01:11:56,647 --> 01:11:57,648
♪♪
1809
01:12:13,539 --> 01:12:15,082
Guys, I fell asleep.
1810
01:12:15,165 --> 01:12:16,667
I fell asleep.
1811
01:12:17,042 --> 01:12:20,129
I had this nightmare
where we had all killed a guy.
1812
01:12:21,088 --> 01:12:22,423
- That is a reality.
- No, we killed somebody.
1813
01:12:22,506 --> 01:12:24,717
What? No!
1814
01:12:24,967 --> 01:12:28,804
Oh, my God! Jet lag is insane, you guys.
1815
01:12:29,013 --> 01:12:30,472
It's no joke!
1816
01:12:30,973 --> 01:12:32,224
No joke!
1817
01:12:32,641 --> 01:12:33,892
Damn it!
1818
01:12:34,643 --> 01:12:37,813
Did you happen to come up with
a be-genius idea out there?
1819
01:12:38,063 --> 01:12:39,314
Yeah, I did, actually.
1820
01:12:39,398 --> 01:12:43,569
In my dream, I remembered
that there was this guy in Australia
1821
01:12:43,652 --> 01:12:45,529
who cooked his girlfriend and ate her.
1822
01:12:45,696 --> 01:12:48,157
- Kiwi.
- I can't 'cause I am vegan.
1823
01:12:48,240 --> 01:12:49,324
- But...
- Kiwi.
1824
01:12:49,408 --> 01:12:51,076
JESS: Oh, God, I'm so tired.
1825
01:12:51,952 --> 01:12:53,746
We should turn ourselves in. We're guilty.
1826
01:12:53,829 --> 01:12:56,457
No, we are innocent, because
this was an accident, you guys.
1827
01:12:56,665 --> 01:12:57,708
Stop saying that.
1828
01:12:57,791 --> 01:13:01,128
Maybe if you hadn't been lethally horny,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
1829
01:13:01,295 --> 01:13:03,922
I was coked up because you bought us drugs.
1830
01:13:04,131 --> 01:13:06,300
I didn't force you to do the drugs, Alice.
1831
01:13:06,383 --> 01:13:08,093
And you know what,
nobody's talking about how it was
1832
01:13:08,177 --> 01:13:10,012
Blair's idea to get a stripper
in the first place.
1833
01:13:10,095 --> 01:13:12,014
Yeah, but you're never to blame, right?
1834
01:13:12,097 --> 01:13:14,516
"Look at me, I'm Frankie.
I live in a storage unit.
1835
01:13:14,641 --> 01:13:15,851
- "I'm saving the world."
- You know what?
1836
01:13:15,934 --> 01:13:19,396
You act like everybody's so stupid
for not being a merciless asshole like you.
1837
01:13:19,480 --> 01:13:21,774
- I'm the asshole?
- I mean, you're both kind of assholes.
1838
01:13:21,857 --> 01:13:23,358
- Stay out of this.
- Seriously.
1839
01:13:23,901 --> 01:13:25,611
Maybe you're the asshole, Alice.
1840
01:13:25,778 --> 01:13:26,779
Oh, shit.
1841
01:13:27,112 --> 01:13:28,363
Excuse me, bitch?
1842
01:13:28,655 --> 01:13:29,698
(LAUGHS)
1843
01:13:29,782 --> 01:13:31,325
I'm a fucking sweetheart.
1844
01:13:32,284 --> 01:13:35,788
Well, then why do you
insist on calling me Kiwi
1845
01:13:35,871 --> 01:13:38,040
even though I told you
it was culturally insensitive?
1846
01:13:38,373 --> 01:13:42,336
And why did you feel the need
to reach over and try to undo my seat belt
1847
01:13:42,419 --> 01:13:43,962
in the taxicab on the way here?
1848
01:13:44,254 --> 01:13:45,881
- Jesus Christ.
- ALICE: Yeah.
1849
01:13:46,131 --> 01:13:47,883
That's an American bit.
1850
01:13:48,175 --> 01:13:51,011
We do it as a joke. Okay?
We all do it. Right?
1851
01:13:51,386 --> 01:13:52,429
(MUTTERING) Come on, say it.
1852
01:13:52,513 --> 01:13:55,849
- Alice!
- Oh, my God, stop it, please.
1853
01:13:56,016 --> 01:13:57,893
It's bad enough without you two going at it.
1854
01:13:57,976 --> 01:14:00,312
And I thought your bridal shower
was a nightmare.
1855
01:14:00,646 --> 01:14:02,523
What are you talking about?
She didn't have a bridal shower.
1856
01:14:03,148 --> 01:14:04,483
No, she didn't.
1857
01:14:08,779 --> 01:14:10,280
You had a bridal shower?
1858
01:14:11,031 --> 01:14:13,742
(SIGHS) Well, not really. I mean...
1859
01:14:14,660 --> 01:14:17,204
It was, like, work friends.
It wasn't a big deal.
1860
01:14:17,371 --> 01:14:18,413
But Blair went?
1861
01:14:18,705 --> 01:14:20,249
It wasn't even open bar.
1862
01:14:21,125 --> 01:14:22,167
What? It wasn't.
1863
01:14:23,210 --> 01:14:24,711
How could you not invite me?
1864
01:14:25,129 --> 01:14:27,172
Alice, please. Please, can we drop it?
1865
01:14:27,798 --> 01:14:30,843
Please. I'm telling you, it was just...
It was for Peter's family.
1866
01:14:30,926 --> 01:14:32,761
- It wasn't a big deal, man.
- Oh, Peter.
1867
01:14:33,387 --> 01:14:35,055
He is so annoying.
1868
01:14:35,514 --> 01:14:36,849
And I know why he doesn't like me.
1869
01:14:38,016 --> 01:14:39,935
'Cause he's, like, so freaking jealous.
1870
01:14:41,019 --> 01:14:42,271
Peter is not jealous of you.
1871
01:14:42,354 --> 01:14:45,774
Well, then, why would you not invite
your best friend to your bridal shower?
1872
01:14:45,858 --> 01:14:48,527
- Oh, my God, you really want to know why?
- Yes! I do!
1873
01:14:48,610 --> 01:14:50,571
Because I knew that if I invited you,
1874
01:14:50,654 --> 01:14:52,781
you wouldn't let me talk to anybody else.
That's why.
1875
01:14:53,115 --> 01:14:55,242
Okay? You monopolize my time
1876
01:14:55,450 --> 01:14:56,994
and then you make me feel guilty
1877
01:14:57,119 --> 01:14:59,746
about not spending time with you.
How can I win?
1878
01:14:59,830 --> 01:15:00,914
Are you kidding me?
1879
01:15:01,248 --> 01:15:03,500
I do not monopolize your time, Jess!
1880
01:15:03,667 --> 01:15:04,835
I just try to make the most of it,
1881
01:15:04,918 --> 01:15:06,795
'cause you don't even make
an effort to see me anymore.
1882
01:15:06,920 --> 01:15:09,006
- That's not true!
- It is true.
1883
01:15:09,464 --> 01:15:10,632
It is.
1884
01:15:11,216 --> 01:15:13,093
I'm sorry, but you are always at work,
1885
01:15:13,510 --> 01:15:15,345
or you're making plans with Peter.
1886
01:15:16,013 --> 01:15:18,390
Or you're (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
Skyping with other people.
1887
01:15:18,473 --> 01:15:20,267
I can't do your stupid fucking accent.
1888
01:15:20,684 --> 01:15:22,728
- No, you can't.
- JESS: Yes, yes.
1889
01:15:22,811 --> 01:15:26,148
We're not in college anymore,
and things do change.
1890
01:15:26,356 --> 01:15:28,525
The only thing that's changed is you.
1891
01:15:28,775 --> 01:15:30,319
You've become obsessed
1892
01:15:30,736 --> 01:15:34,448
with your perfect new life
and your campaign and you ditched me.
1893
01:15:34,573 --> 01:15:38,243
Oh, I am sorry
that I don't want to talk about
1894
01:15:38,327 --> 01:15:40,287
the time that we got drunk
1895
01:15:40,370 --> 01:15:42,748
at O'Flaherty's 10 years ago!
1896
01:15:43,290 --> 01:15:44,291
Well, you know what?
1897
01:15:44,583 --> 01:15:47,294
I guess I never should have planned
such a nice weekend for you.
1898
01:15:47,377 --> 01:15:50,088
You know, you... God, you are so ungrateful.
1899
01:15:50,714 --> 01:15:52,799
- Did you just say I was ungrateful?
- Yes!
1900
01:15:52,883 --> 01:15:54,635
You're an ungrateful person.
1901
01:15:55,010 --> 01:15:57,471
You didn't plan this weekend for me.
1902
01:15:57,554 --> 01:16:00,015
You planned this weekend for yourself,
1903
01:16:00,182 --> 01:16:02,517
so that you could post a bunch of photos
1904
01:16:02,601 --> 01:16:05,479
and not make your life seem so sad!
1905
01:16:05,812 --> 01:16:07,439
♪♪
1906
01:16:11,276 --> 01:16:12,694
I'm sorry, Jess.
1907
01:16:15,322 --> 01:16:16,323
Uh...
1908
01:16:17,741 --> 01:16:19,076
I'll leave you...
1909
01:16:19,243 --> 01:16:20,994
I'll leave you alone from now on.
1910
01:16:22,204 --> 01:16:23,372
Alice.
1911
01:16:25,540 --> 01:16:26,708
Alice.
1912
01:16:27,334 --> 01:16:28,335
(EXHALES)
1913
01:16:31,213 --> 01:16:32,881
Jess, that was really harsh.
1914
01:16:33,173 --> 01:16:35,467
Oh, my God, I can't.
I can't with the guilt. Please.
1915
01:16:36,510 --> 01:16:38,470
I can't with any of this anymore.
1916
01:16:39,263 --> 01:16:40,514
Jess, come on, dude.
1917
01:16:40,722 --> 01:16:45,519
No. All we have done all night
is make this situation worse, okay?
1918
01:16:45,602 --> 01:16:48,480
We are turning ourselves in
and that's the end. (SNIFFLES)
1919
01:16:48,605 --> 01:16:50,857
Now, I'm going upstairs
to wipe this shit off my face,
1920
01:16:50,941 --> 01:16:53,026
so I can at least look cute for my mug shot.
1921
01:16:55,404 --> 01:16:58,615
(CRYING) And self-waxing is not weird.
1922
01:16:59,366 --> 01:17:02,744
I don't appreciate
your body-hair-removal shaming.
1923
01:17:04,496 --> 01:17:06,331
Shame on you! And you!
1924
01:17:08,542 --> 01:17:09,584
You've been fine.
1925
01:17:17,384 --> 01:17:19,219
(QUIET BEEPING)
1926
01:17:19,303 --> 01:17:21,054
Did you hear that? What is that?
1927
01:17:21,138 --> 01:17:22,222
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
1928
01:17:22,389 --> 01:17:24,224
- What is that?
- Where is it?
1929
01:17:25,142 --> 01:17:26,184
Where's it coming from?
1930
01:17:30,147 --> 01:17:32,607
- PIPPA: Not these pillows.
- Aw, fuck. No.
1931
01:17:33,275 --> 01:17:35,068
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
1932
01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:36,486
(GASPS) Fuck, it's his phone.
1933
01:17:36,653 --> 01:17:38,447
- Someone is looking for this guy.
- PIPPA: Oh, my God.
1934
01:17:38,530 --> 01:17:39,865
- Turn it off.
- I'm trying!
1935
01:17:40,324 --> 01:17:41,950
- What's going on?
- BLAIR: Stop! Oh, my God.
1936
01:17:42,367 --> 01:17:45,120
Someone is trying to track the stripper's
phone and it looks like they're...
1937
01:17:45,203 --> 01:17:47,205
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1938
01:17:48,081 --> 01:17:49,416
Here.
1939
01:17:55,714 --> 01:17:57,632
- Hello?
- Miami PD.
1940
01:17:58,216 --> 01:17:59,676
Have you seen this man?
1941
01:18:00,802 --> 01:18:01,928
(WHISPERS) Oh, shit.
1942
01:18:03,513 --> 01:18:04,848
RUIZ: We tracked his phone to this house.
1943
01:18:04,931 --> 01:18:06,183
We know he's in there.
1944
01:18:08,977 --> 01:18:10,103
It's over.
1945
01:18:10,771 --> 01:18:12,064
The jig is up.
1946
01:18:17,319 --> 01:18:18,612
Hey.
1947
01:18:19,821 --> 01:18:21,156
He's dead.
1948
01:18:22,199 --> 01:18:24,993
(INTRO TO MARILYN MANSON'S
THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE PLAYING)
1949
01:18:25,619 --> 01:18:27,412
♪♪
1950
01:18:29,164 --> 01:18:30,665
And I don't want ya
1951
01:18:30,749 --> 01:18:32,209
- And I don't need ya
- (LOWERS VOLUME)
1952
01:18:32,459 --> 01:18:34,294
(HEART BEATING)
1953
01:18:36,755 --> 01:18:39,966
- (TURNS VOLUME UP HIGH)
- Hey, you, what do ya see?
1954
01:18:40,217 --> 01:18:41,760
Something beautiful
1955
01:18:41,843 --> 01:18:43,762
Or something free?
1956
01:18:52,270 --> 01:18:53,355
RUIZ: You ladies are lucky.
1957
01:18:54,439 --> 01:18:55,816
This man is very dangerous.
1958
01:18:56,066 --> 01:18:58,276
This guy robbed a jewelry store
and killed a security guard.
1959
01:18:58,652 --> 01:19:00,821
- Lot of people looking for him.
- ALICE: Oh, my God. What?
1960
01:19:00,904 --> 01:19:02,364
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. He was on the run.
1961
01:19:02,697 --> 01:19:03,949
Probably came here looking for cover.
1962
01:19:04,074 --> 01:19:06,076
Sir, I'm... I'm sorry.
1963
01:19:06,284 --> 01:19:09,329
Um, foreigner here. Just sort of want
to be clear on the local law.
1964
01:19:09,413 --> 01:19:10,831
So, are we
1965
01:19:11,331 --> 01:19:13,834
sort of, like, no longer in trouble?
1966
01:19:14,000 --> 01:19:15,127
(SMACKS LIPS)
1967
01:19:15,210 --> 01:19:16,837
Sounds like self-defense to me, right?
1968
01:19:17,295 --> 01:19:18,380
FRAZIER: Oh, yeah, no, DA's not gonna want to
1969
01:19:18,463 --> 01:19:20,507
press any charges on something like this.
You're good.
1970
01:19:21,299 --> 01:19:22,759
- Oh, my God.
- No, you're kidding.
1971
01:19:22,843 --> 01:19:25,387
- (SQUEALING) Oh, my God!
- Are you shitting me?
1972
01:19:25,470 --> 01:19:27,264
Oh, my God!
1973
01:19:27,973 --> 01:19:29,891
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
1974
01:19:29,975 --> 01:19:31,393
(HAPPY SHOUTING, CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
1975
01:19:31,476 --> 01:19:36,064
We're heroes! We're heroes.
We're American heroes.
1976
01:19:36,148 --> 01:19:38,024
- PIPPA: Thank you, universe.
- Jesus!
1977
01:19:38,150 --> 01:19:41,111
(CHATTER, SHOUTING, LAUGHING CONTINUE)
1978
01:19:41,445 --> 01:19:44,197
- (PIPPA SINGING)
- We killed a guy! And it was right!
1979
01:19:44,656 --> 01:19:46,700
We were right to kill him!
1980
01:19:46,867 --> 01:19:49,035
- (PIPPA CONTINUES SINGING)
- Fuck, yeah!
1981
01:19:51,037 --> 01:19:52,289
(SHOWER RUNNING)
1982
01:19:52,372 --> 01:19:53,498
Jess.
1983
01:19:53,748 --> 01:19:55,876
Hey, Jess. We're not going to jail.
1984
01:19:56,209 --> 01:19:59,880
I still might be, for unrelated things,
but you're not, you're safe.
1985
01:20:00,797 --> 01:20:02,048
Jess?
1986
01:20:03,800 --> 01:20:06,720
You should've seen us at the beginning.
We were like Squabble City.
1987
01:20:06,803 --> 01:20:07,888
We didn't like each other.
1988
01:20:07,971 --> 01:20:10,682
Now I can't get her away from me.
And I don't want to.
1989
01:20:10,765 --> 01:20:12,684
Did he happen to mention the diamonds?
1990
01:20:12,976 --> 01:20:14,978
Um, no, I think I would have remembered that.
1991
01:20:15,061 --> 01:20:16,480
He didn't say much of anything.
1992
01:20:17,439 --> 01:20:21,526
Ladies, it's... It's really important
that you try to remember any details.
1993
01:20:21,693 --> 01:20:23,278
He was cis male.
1994
01:20:24,070 --> 01:20:28,450
Looked like he could, like,
wash his car as a hobby activity.
1995
01:20:28,700 --> 01:20:30,494
- RUIZ: Okay.
- ALICE: Oh, and he did have
1996
01:20:30,577 --> 01:20:31,828
this, like, deep "V."
1997
01:20:31,995 --> 01:20:36,166
Sort of like two large snakes
pointing down to a penis.
1998
01:20:36,541 --> 01:20:38,043
This is a big house.
1999
01:20:38,210 --> 01:20:39,920
Any place he might've been
able to stash something?
2000
01:20:40,212 --> 01:20:44,466
Well, we did clean the entire house
and never came across his coat or phone,
2001
01:20:44,549 --> 01:20:45,842
so it's definitely a possibility.
2002
01:20:45,926 --> 01:20:47,093
Tampon!
2003
01:20:47,302 --> 01:20:48,720
- What?
- PIPPA: Blair.
2004
01:20:48,929 --> 01:20:51,556
- What?
- I need a tampon.
2005
01:20:51,973 --> 01:20:53,808
I thought you use David cups. (CHUCKLES)
2006
01:20:53,975 --> 01:20:55,477
- Yeah.
- No, never.
2007
01:20:55,560 --> 01:20:59,314
Fuck off. Only tampons, the best of tampons!
2008
01:20:59,523 --> 01:21:01,358
You took them from us.
2009
01:21:01,691 --> 01:21:04,110
- What?
- And locked them in there,
2010
01:21:04,236 --> 01:21:06,863
- and you have the key.
- What are you talking about?
2011
01:21:06,947 --> 01:21:09,199
I didn't lock away our tampons.
I locked away our...
2012
01:21:09,824 --> 01:21:11,743
Uh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
2013
01:21:12,244 --> 01:21:14,955
Are we on the same page, Blair?
2014
01:21:15,497 --> 01:21:16,915
- Yes.
- (WHISTLES) Yo, yo.
2015
01:21:17,040 --> 01:21:18,959
Lady, you want to get your
friend a tampon or whatever?
2016
01:21:19,834 --> 01:21:23,338
Okay. One tampon coming up.
2017
01:21:23,421 --> 01:21:24,506
Okay...
2018
01:21:24,589 --> 01:21:26,132
Just be right back with that. (CHUCKLES)
2019
01:21:26,383 --> 01:21:28,176
Well, I'm not on my period.
2020
01:21:28,718 --> 01:21:30,220
It's good to know. Thanks.
2021
01:21:34,057 --> 01:21:35,559
Key.
2022
01:21:36,351 --> 01:21:39,020
- Shit. Shit.
- (SOFT GROANING)
2023
01:21:40,438 --> 01:21:41,648
Shh...
2024
01:21:43,316 --> 01:21:44,693
(SCREAMING)
2025
01:21:45,026 --> 01:21:46,194
Quiet, be quiet, be quiet.
2026
01:21:46,278 --> 01:21:47,737
- I just need to get my phone, okay?
- (SCREAMS)
2027
01:21:47,821 --> 01:21:48,989
- What the fuck is that?
- What's that?
2028
01:21:49,072 --> 01:21:50,198
Nothing. It's... I don't know.
2029
01:21:50,490 --> 01:21:53,285
- What the fuck was that?
- This guy, it's another thing.
2030
01:21:53,660 --> 01:21:55,078
- There's more people here?
- FRANKIE: The real stripper.
2031
01:21:55,161 --> 01:21:56,913
- Yeah. That's the real stripper in there.
- The actual guy...
2032
01:21:58,039 --> 01:22:00,125
- I just need to get to my phone.
- Get back! Get back!
2033
01:22:00,542 --> 01:22:03,503
- I will not be your drug mule!
- What? Shh! Stop. Stop. Stop.
2034
01:22:03,753 --> 01:22:05,338
- You better get back. Yeah.
- Stop. Shh!
2035
01:22:06,339 --> 01:22:09,217
Breaking news and
some updated information for everybody.
2036
01:22:09,301 --> 01:22:11,553
These assailants are armed
and they're dangerous.
2037
01:22:11,636 --> 01:22:12,637
PIPPA: No, it's nothing, that's...
2038
01:22:12,721 --> 01:22:13,763
So if you're inside your home,
2039
01:22:13,847 --> 01:22:15,765
make sure your windows
and your doors are locked.
2040
01:22:16,266 --> 01:22:18,935
- Hey, Blondie! Come here!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
2041
01:22:19,060 --> 01:22:20,687
- Shh.
- (GASPING)
2042
01:22:21,521 --> 01:22:23,565
- Oh, the tampon.
- Yeah, I know.
2043
01:22:23,648 --> 01:22:25,358
That's what I was... I was using the code.
2044
01:22:25,650 --> 01:22:27,611
- I just want to get my real estate license!
- Shut up.
2045
01:22:27,986 --> 01:22:29,237
- Freeze!
- (SCREAMS)
2046
01:22:29,571 --> 01:22:31,489
Shut the fuck up! Don't move!
2047
01:22:31,948 --> 01:22:34,868
What the hell's going on here? Come on.
Let's go, move it. Let's go, tough guy.
2048
01:22:36,786 --> 01:22:39,831
Everyone in America really does have a gun!
2049
01:22:40,498 --> 01:22:42,542
FRAZIER: Let's go! Come on.
You, too. Move it.
2050
01:22:43,835 --> 01:22:45,629
- Oh, my God.
- RUIZ: Playtime's over.
2051
01:22:45,712 --> 01:22:47,672
- We want those fucking diamonds now.
- FRANKIE: Look.
2052
01:22:48,381 --> 01:22:49,591
I know you're mad at the 1%.
2053
01:22:49,716 --> 01:22:52,135
- I am, too.
- What? Shut up!
2054
01:22:52,218 --> 01:22:54,054
- Tie them up now.
- Let's go!
2055
01:22:54,137 --> 01:22:55,597
(GROANING)
2056
01:23:01,936 --> 01:23:03,063
(SIGHS)
2057
01:23:06,358 --> 01:23:07,359
(SIGHS)
2058
01:23:09,569 --> 01:23:11,905
♪♪
2059
01:23:15,325 --> 01:23:16,701
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
2060
01:23:16,868 --> 01:23:17,952
ALICE: Jess,
2061
01:23:18,036 --> 01:23:21,164
when I was growing up,
I didn't really have many friends.
2062
01:23:21,456 --> 01:23:24,292
And when I left for college,
my mom was worried about me.
2063
01:23:24,459 --> 01:23:25,877
And so was I.
2064
01:23:25,960 --> 01:23:28,380
But then we met,
and the first night we went out,
2065
01:23:28,463 --> 01:23:30,340
you didn't introduce me
to people as your roommate,
2066
01:23:30,423 --> 01:23:32,217
you introduced me as your friend.
2067
01:23:32,300 --> 01:23:34,427
And I knew everything was gonna be okay.
2068
01:23:34,803 --> 01:23:36,221
When I went home that summer
2069
01:23:36,346 --> 01:23:38,473
and I showed my mom
the photos of us hanging out,
2070
01:23:38,807 --> 01:23:40,433
she was so happy.
2071
01:23:40,975 --> 01:23:44,562
She doesn't always recognize me anymore,
but when I show her those old photos,
2072
01:23:44,646 --> 01:23:47,899
she says to me,
"That's my daughter with all her friends."
2073
01:23:48,566 --> 01:23:50,193
That's how she remembers me.
2074
01:23:50,694 --> 01:23:51,986
Thanks to you.
2075
01:23:52,070 --> 01:23:54,781
I can't wait to show her
all the photos from this weekend.
2076
01:23:55,281 --> 01:23:58,618
You were there for me,
and I will always be here for you.
2077
01:23:59,035 --> 01:24:00,453
Love, Alice.
2078
01:24:00,662 --> 01:24:04,666
P. S. There are some wet wipes in here,
because I ordered an ice cream cake
2079
01:24:04,749 --> 01:24:07,043
and I know you have issues with dairy.
2080
01:24:07,127 --> 01:24:08,670
Smiliest face.
2081
01:24:09,671 --> 01:24:11,673
(RUIZ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
2082
01:24:15,009 --> 01:24:18,179
- RUIZ: Come here. Let's go. Come here.
- SCOTTY: They found me on Craigslist.
2083
01:24:18,263 --> 01:24:20,181
I'm not even with them!
2084
01:24:20,640 --> 01:24:21,975
FRAZIER: God damn it.
2085
01:24:23,268 --> 01:24:24,394
(QUIETLY) Oh, shit.
2086
01:24:25,186 --> 01:24:26,479
FRAZIER: Jay double-crossed us,
2087
01:24:26,938 --> 01:24:28,606
and he took off with our score.
2088
01:24:29,315 --> 01:24:30,442
So, tell me,
2089
01:24:30,817 --> 01:24:33,111
- where'd he put it?
- I told you, we don't know.
2090
01:24:33,361 --> 01:24:37,282
Sir, I could wire you $50,000 right now
if you just let us go, okay?
2091
01:24:37,365 --> 01:24:39,743
Whoa, whoa, whoa. 50,000 what?
2092
01:24:40,160 --> 01:24:42,245
There's over $2 million
worth of diamonds in this house,
2093
01:24:42,328 --> 01:24:43,747
and I am going to find them.
2094
01:24:44,998 --> 01:24:46,916
- You shoot anyone who moves.
- (BLAIR CRYING)
2095
01:24:47,208 --> 01:24:48,668
- Oh, my God.
- SCOTTY: Please.
2096
01:24:48,752 --> 01:24:50,128
(SCOTTY CRYING)
2097
01:24:50,754 --> 01:24:52,172
(WOMEN SOBBING)
2098
01:25:03,308 --> 01:25:05,351
(PANTING)
2099
01:25:13,693 --> 01:25:14,986
(BOTTLE CLATTERS TO FLOOR AND ROLLS)
2100
01:25:25,413 --> 01:25:26,623
Fuck!
2101
01:25:26,748 --> 01:25:28,416
Damn it! Fuck!
2102
01:25:30,627 --> 01:25:32,670
Don't make a fucking sound
or I will kill you.
2103
01:25:41,971 --> 01:25:43,014
What?
2104
01:25:43,348 --> 01:25:45,016
Handcuff yourself to the sink.
2105
01:25:45,350 --> 01:25:47,143
- Fuck you.
- Now.
2106
01:25:48,728 --> 01:25:50,104
(PANTING) Okay. Okay.
2107
01:25:55,819 --> 01:25:57,237
(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
2108
01:26:01,991 --> 01:26:03,493
♪♪
2109
01:26:04,786 --> 01:26:06,079
What the fuck?
2110
01:26:17,215 --> 01:26:19,384
No... (MUFFLED SHOUTING)
2111
01:26:25,974 --> 01:26:28,393
RUIZ: You don't know anything, huh?
Well, that smells like bullshit.
2112
01:26:28,726 --> 01:26:30,228
Hurry up, man!
2113
01:26:30,937 --> 01:26:32,438
Do I look stupid to you?
2114
01:26:32,897 --> 01:26:36,359
You expect me to believe
that you killed Jay by accident?
2115
01:26:37,235 --> 01:26:39,028
That's a bad accident. (CHUCKLES)
2116
01:26:39,612 --> 01:26:41,406
It's a big fucking accident.
2117
01:26:41,489 --> 01:26:43,324
(GASPING BREATHS)
2118
01:26:45,368 --> 01:26:47,287
RUIZ: I am about to lose my fucking shit.
2119
01:26:47,370 --> 01:26:48,705
Jay's dead, and you expect me to believe
2120
01:26:48,788 --> 01:26:50,540
that you guys don't know anything? Hmm?
2121
01:26:50,665 --> 01:26:53,084
New plan. You're gonna watch each other die,
2122
01:26:53,167 --> 01:26:54,836
until one of you opens your fucking mouth!
2123
01:26:55,461 --> 01:26:57,505
- And I'm gonna start with you.
- No!
2124
01:26:57,839 --> 01:26:59,716
- ALICE: Oh, God.
- I love you, Frankie.
2125
01:27:00,300 --> 01:27:01,718
FRANKIE: I love you, too.
2126
01:27:05,221 --> 01:27:06,306
(OTHERS GASPING)
2127
01:27:07,056 --> 01:27:08,808
ALL: Jess! Jess!
2128
01:27:08,975 --> 01:27:10,977
Yes!
2129
01:27:11,102 --> 01:27:12,729
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
2130
01:27:15,648 --> 01:27:16,900
- Not her beautiful face!
- Come on, Jess!
2131
01:27:17,317 --> 01:27:18,568
(JESS GRUNTS)
2132
01:27:20,236 --> 01:27:21,404
(PANTING)
2133
01:27:21,487 --> 01:27:22,530
Whoa.
2134
01:27:22,614 --> 01:27:23,948
- You perv!
- Come on.
2135
01:27:24,949 --> 01:27:25,909
No, hey, hey, hey!
2136
01:27:25,992 --> 01:27:27,035
- (FIERCE GRUNTING)
- Ow! Ow!
2137
01:27:27,285 --> 01:27:28,703
You guys! The gun!
2138
01:27:30,079 --> 01:27:32,290
Shimmy. Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
2139
01:27:36,210 --> 01:27:37,921
Okay. Okay.
2140
01:27:38,004 --> 01:27:39,672
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
2141
01:27:41,507 --> 01:27:42,592
- Right there.
- PIPPA: Okay. Yeah.
2142
01:27:42,675 --> 01:27:43,843
- One.
- FRANKIE: Two.
2143
01:27:44,010 --> 01:27:45,219
- Three!
- PIPPA: Okay.
2144
01:27:45,303 --> 01:27:46,846
Oh, God. Squat.
2145
01:27:47,430 --> 01:27:49,223
- ALICE: Oh, God. Oh, God.
- BLAIR: Do you have it?
2146
01:27:49,307 --> 01:27:51,351
ALICE: Yes.
2147
01:27:54,854 --> 01:27:56,105
(GROANS)
2148
01:27:56,606 --> 01:27:57,815
Point me in his direction.
2149
01:28:02,862 --> 01:28:05,198
I don't have a shot! Your leg is in the way!
2150
01:28:05,698 --> 01:28:07,492
- No, no. Please.
- Up!
2151
01:28:07,575 --> 01:28:08,910
JESS: No, please.
2152
01:28:10,036 --> 01:28:12,080
- (GROANS)
- (GASPS)
2153
01:28:12,163 --> 01:28:13,373
I shot a guy!
2154
01:28:13,748 --> 01:28:16,084
- SCOTTY: Yes!
- I killed another person.
2155
01:28:16,751 --> 01:28:18,628
You fucking...
2156
01:28:19,462 --> 01:28:20,505
- (CHEERING)
- ALL: Yes!
2157
01:28:23,341 --> 01:28:25,301
Oh, my God, you guys!
2158
01:28:26,386 --> 01:28:27,428
That was awesome.
2159
01:28:27,512 --> 01:28:29,263
- Alice, I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
2160
01:28:29,347 --> 01:28:31,975
No. I said things that I didn't mean.
2161
01:28:32,517 --> 01:28:34,602
I think it was just
the stress of killing somebody
2162
01:28:34,686 --> 01:28:36,521
and then trying to dispose of his body.
2163
01:28:36,980 --> 01:28:38,147
- Wait, what?
- ALICE: Totally.
2164
01:28:38,231 --> 01:28:39,732
- That's a hard thing.
- Yeah, you're right.
2165
01:28:40,024 --> 01:28:41,067
I have changed.
2166
01:28:41,234 --> 01:28:43,194
I thought that I was
making people's lives better,
2167
01:28:43,277 --> 01:28:46,239
but I forgot about the people that
make my life better, and that's you guys.
2168
01:28:46,531 --> 01:28:48,616
- And I love you, and I'm sorry.
- FRANKIE: We love you, too.
2169
01:28:48,700 --> 01:28:49,742
- We love you, too.
- We love you.
2170
01:28:49,826 --> 01:28:51,995
- We love you, Jess!
- ALICE: I'm sorry, too.
2171
01:28:52,245 --> 01:28:54,205
And you know what? I know that I'm a lot.
2172
01:28:54,288 --> 01:28:57,041
And you were right,
I need to stop living in the past
2173
01:28:57,166 --> 01:28:59,419
- and get a hobby, you know?
- Well, it could help, right?
2174
01:28:59,502 --> 01:29:01,671
Next time we see each other,
we can make new memories
2175
01:29:01,754 --> 01:29:03,923
instead of just talking about the old ones.
2176
01:29:04,007 --> 01:29:05,925
Um, these zip ties
are really starting to hurt.
2177
01:29:06,009 --> 01:29:07,593
And I'm sorry about Peter, okay?
2178
01:29:07,677 --> 01:29:10,304
He does not suck.
You should totally marry him.
2179
01:29:10,388 --> 01:29:12,348
- Well, I will.
- Good. You should.
2180
01:29:12,557 --> 01:29:15,184
I mean, I had a sex dream about him,
and I didn't even tell you.
2181
01:29:15,268 --> 01:29:16,477
No, you actually did tell me.
2182
01:29:16,561 --> 01:29:18,521
- You told everybody.
- You started a group text.
2183
01:29:18,813 --> 01:29:20,231
It started with him brushing my hair...
2184
01:29:20,314 --> 01:29:21,607
You know what? I'm gonna untie you guys now.
2185
01:29:21,816 --> 01:29:22,859
- Awesome.
- Yeah. Okay, great.
2186
01:29:22,984 --> 01:29:24,569
- Here, give me the gun.
- It was morning...
2187
01:29:24,652 --> 01:29:26,112
- FRAZIER: Drop the gun!
- (ALL GASP)
2188
01:29:26,571 --> 01:29:28,239
- Drop it.
- Damn it.
2189
01:29:30,575 --> 01:29:33,953
The keys were taped to the handcuffs,
you fucking idiot.
2190
01:29:35,455 --> 01:29:36,873
You're all dead. All of you.
2191
01:29:36,956 --> 01:29:38,750
- No. No, Jess.
- FRAZIER: Yeah.
2192
01:29:39,125 --> 01:29:41,794
- Oh, really? Come on. Whatever.
- (HAMMER COCKS)
2193
01:29:42,045 --> 01:29:44,213
(ALL SCREAMING)
2194
01:29:44,881 --> 01:29:46,632
- What? What? What?
- (GASPING)
2195
01:29:47,508 --> 01:29:48,634
What?
2196
01:29:52,680 --> 01:29:54,849
- Oh, my God!
- Is that Peter?
2197
01:29:55,433 --> 01:29:56,934
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
2198
01:29:59,187 --> 01:30:00,688
FRANKIE: Oh, my God. Is he...
2199
01:30:00,813 --> 01:30:01,898
(ALL GASP)
2200
01:30:01,981 --> 01:30:03,691
- Peter!
- You guys, what's happening back there?
2201
01:30:03,775 --> 01:30:04,776
I can't see.
2202
01:30:06,319 --> 01:30:08,362
- Peter? Peter.
- Hmm?
2203
01:30:08,446 --> 01:30:09,614
Peter.
2204
01:30:09,781 --> 01:30:11,616
- Jess.
- Are you okay?
2205
01:30:12,575 --> 01:30:14,368
(WHINING) Do you not like my dick?
2206
01:30:15,161 --> 01:30:16,204
What?
2207
01:30:16,329 --> 01:30:18,164
Does it bend weird
when it gets hard, or, like...
2208
01:30:18,456 --> 01:30:20,917
- I don't know, is it...
- What? No, I love it.
2209
01:30:21,375 --> 01:30:22,752
So, you still want to get married?
2210
01:30:23,252 --> 01:30:27,423
(LAUGHING) Yes. More than ever
I want to get married. I love you.
2211
01:30:28,758 --> 01:30:29,884
I want that.
2212
01:30:31,094 --> 01:30:32,345
Peter...
2213
01:30:32,845 --> 01:30:35,598
Let's just get married.
Let's get married this weekend.
2214
01:30:35,681 --> 01:30:37,266
Well, what about the campaign?
Didn't you want to wait
2215
01:30:37,350 --> 01:30:38,559
till after the election, and...
2216
01:30:38,643 --> 01:30:41,395
I don't want to wait.
Everyone I love is right here.
2217
01:30:41,771 --> 01:30:43,064
- That's all that matters.
- Oh.
2218
01:30:43,189 --> 01:30:44,273
What about your parents?
2219
01:30:44,357 --> 01:30:46,317
Oh, my parents aren't gonna care.
They eloped.
2220
01:30:46,859 --> 01:30:49,195
I mean, my mom did say
to lock that down as soon as possible.
2221
01:30:49,904 --> 01:30:51,656
- She did?
- She loves you.
2222
01:30:52,406 --> 01:30:54,325
- I love you. Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
2223
01:30:54,826 --> 01:30:56,536
FRANKIE: Yes!
2224
01:30:56,619 --> 01:30:58,246
Oh, I have the perfect place.
2225
01:30:58,454 --> 01:31:00,081
♪♪
2226
01:31:01,624 --> 01:31:05,461
Do you, Jessica,
take Peter to be your husband?
2227
01:31:06,129 --> 01:31:07,255
I do.
2228
01:31:07,839 --> 01:31:11,801
And do you, Peter,
take Jessica to be your wife?
2229
01:31:12,260 --> 01:31:13,636
I definitely do.
2230
01:31:14,303 --> 01:31:15,930
- (LONG EXHALE)
- (SOBBING CONTINUES)
2231
01:31:16,889 --> 01:31:18,850
Now, by the power vested in me
2232
01:31:19,725 --> 01:31:22,728
by GetOrdainedNow.net,
2233
01:31:23,104 --> 01:31:25,106
I pronounce you husband and wife.
2234
01:31:25,189 --> 01:31:26,858
You may kiss the groom.
2235
01:31:26,941 --> 01:31:28,317
(ALL CHEERING)
2236
01:31:28,609 --> 01:31:30,736
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING WITH DANCE BEAT)
2237
01:31:32,488 --> 01:31:35,158
So glad I didn't sell our passes
to the foam party.
2238
01:31:35,241 --> 01:31:36,242
- Yeah!
- Right?
2239
01:31:39,328 --> 01:31:41,289
♪♪
2240
01:31:48,087 --> 01:31:50,006
So, you guys are just not in trouble?
2241
01:31:50,464 --> 01:31:52,550
No, we're, like, completely free.
2242
01:31:53,134 --> 01:31:56,554
We've committed what in Florida
is known as a "good murder."
2243
01:31:56,846 --> 01:31:58,764
That's a direct quote from the Miami PD.
2244
01:31:58,848 --> 01:32:04,020
So, not only do we not have to go to jail,
but we got a sick coupon
2245
01:32:04,353 --> 01:32:06,063
to Romano's Macaroni Grill.
2246
01:32:06,522 --> 01:32:09,025
- Do you want to dance, Pippa?
- Yeah, okay.
2247
01:32:09,233 --> 01:32:11,152
But call me Kiwi, okay?
2248
01:32:11,277 --> 01:32:12,778
All my best friends do.
2249
01:32:16,490 --> 01:32:17,992
- Hey.
- ALICE: Hi.
2250
01:32:18,075 --> 01:32:20,870
- Can I get you a drink?
- Oh. Um...
2251
01:32:21,746 --> 01:32:22,788
No.
2252
01:32:23,164 --> 01:32:25,458
'Cause I'm on a date with someone else, so...
2253
01:32:26,542 --> 01:32:28,211
- Hey.
- TOBEY: Hot.
2254
01:32:28,461 --> 01:32:30,129
You're a hot guy. Cool.
2255
01:32:34,091 --> 01:32:35,176
- Here you go.
- Oh.
2256
01:32:36,636 --> 01:32:38,012
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
2257
01:32:39,013 --> 01:32:41,766
Has anyone ever told you
how beautiful your feet are?
2258
01:32:43,893 --> 01:32:45,645
No one's ever said that to me before.
2259
01:32:46,270 --> 01:32:48,439
You should've been told that a million times.
2260
01:32:49,857 --> 01:32:51,484
BOTH: Do you want to...
2261
01:32:51,567 --> 01:32:52,735
- Fuck?
- Fuck?
2262
01:32:53,361 --> 01:32:55,196
Hey.
2263
01:32:55,905 --> 01:32:57,073
Keep it moving. We're a thing.
2264
01:32:58,532 --> 01:32:59,867
Love wins.
2265
01:33:00,826 --> 01:33:01,994
What'd you just say?
2266
01:33:02,787 --> 01:33:05,414
I don't know.
I mean, who knows if it will work out?
2267
01:33:05,498 --> 01:33:08,084
And I don't know how you're gonna get to
New York. I guess hitchhike, but...
2268
01:33:08,376 --> 01:33:10,711
I already have my bags packed,
actually, so...
2269
01:33:10,836 --> 01:33:13,798
- (LAUGHS)
- Well, just 'cause I'm between places...
2270
01:33:14,507 --> 01:33:15,967
Shut up.
2271
01:33:18,844 --> 01:33:20,471
Yeah, yeah.
2272
01:33:21,013 --> 01:33:22,515
Okay. Yeah.
2273
01:33:22,598 --> 01:33:24,016
Babe. It's for you.
2274
01:33:25,184 --> 01:33:27,061
- Hello?
- Jess, it's me.
2275
01:33:27,144 --> 01:33:30,231
That story about you and your friends
taking out those criminals is everywhere!
2276
01:33:30,314 --> 01:33:32,483
Okay? We're getting donations and volunteers.
2277
01:33:32,566 --> 01:33:35,528
- What?
- Jess, you're gonna win this thing.
2278
01:33:35,611 --> 01:33:37,446
Are you serious? That's amazing.
2279
01:33:37,655 --> 01:33:39,448
Yeah, we're getting a ton of media requests.
2280
01:33:39,532 --> 01:33:41,534
Okay, Good Morning America, Ellen.
2281
01:33:41,826 --> 01:33:45,162
Okay, you have to get back here right now.
I'm gonna get you out on the next flight.
2282
01:33:45,246 --> 01:33:46,706
Do you prefer window or aisle?
2283
01:33:46,789 --> 01:33:48,708
I'm more of a middle seat guy myself, but...
2284
01:33:48,791 --> 01:33:50,835
You know what? I'm actually getting married.
2285
01:33:50,918 --> 01:33:53,421
But, um, I'll be there
first thing Monday morning.
2286
01:33:53,504 --> 01:33:55,881
RAVIV: You're getting married?
Jess, I'm in love with you.
2287
01:33:57,049 --> 01:33:58,384
- Take a picture of us?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2288
01:33:58,467 --> 01:33:59,593
Cool!
2289
01:33:59,677 --> 01:34:00,678
(BLAIR CLEARS THROAT)
2290
01:34:00,761 --> 01:34:02,555
- I love you guys.
- We love you.
2291
01:34:03,222 --> 01:34:04,265
- Three.
- (CLICK)
2292
01:34:04,348 --> 01:34:06,225
♪♪
2293
01:34:06,309 --> 01:34:07,643
ALICE: Can I see?
2294
01:34:08,144 --> 01:34:09,478
JESS: Um...
2295
01:34:09,562 --> 01:34:11,230
- No.
- ALICE: My arm looks too thick.
2296
01:34:11,314 --> 01:34:13,232
(ALL COMPLAINING)
2297
01:34:13,316 --> 01:34:14,567
- PETER: Another one?
- One more.
2298
01:34:14,650 --> 01:34:15,860
Okay, okay, okay.
2299
01:34:16,736 --> 01:34:17,903
(CLICK)
2300
01:34:20,489 --> 01:34:21,782
- JESS: Ooh. I love it.
- ALICE: That, I love.
2301
01:34:21,949 --> 01:34:24,493
- JESS: Alice, you can tag me.
- ALICE: Finally.
2302
01:34:28,205 --> 01:34:30,082
WOMAN: (SINGING) We are what
2303
01:34:30,166 --> 01:34:32,293
These days we only follow
2304
01:34:32,376 --> 01:34:34,837
These days we're feeling hollow
2305
01:34:34,920 --> 01:34:37,715
Get paid, the only motto
2306
01:34:38,341 --> 01:34:40,134
We are what
2307
01:34:40,217 --> 01:34:42,636
They say it all gets better
2308
01:34:42,720 --> 01:34:45,181
They say it won't last forever
2309
01:34:45,264 --> 01:34:47,892
Then someone pulls the trigger
2310
01:34:48,893 --> 01:34:51,145
We are what
2311
01:34:52,229 --> 01:34:54,982
The fame, the fame
2312
01:34:55,066 --> 01:34:57,193
I want to hear my name
2313
01:34:57,276 --> 01:34:59,278
But I don't care
2314
01:34:59,779 --> 01:35:02,198
What for
2315
01:35:02,782 --> 01:35:05,326
I'll change the world
2316
01:35:05,409 --> 01:35:07,870
Save all those trees and birds
2317
01:35:07,953 --> 01:35:10,122
But first I'll grab a Starbucks
2318
01:35:10,206 --> 01:35:11,999
Then I'll get to work
2319
01:35:12,750 --> 01:35:13,834
All on
2320
01:35:13,918 --> 01:35:15,544
Thank God it's the weekend
2321
01:35:15,628 --> 01:35:16,670
My squad
2322
01:35:16,754 --> 01:35:17,797
Got time, we can waste it
2323
01:35:17,880 --> 01:35:18,923
Don't know
2324
01:35:19,006 --> 01:35:22,468
Should we drive to the sunset or the fire?
2325
01:35:22,551 --> 01:35:23,594
It's like
2326
01:35:23,677 --> 01:35:24,970
We live in the bubble
2327
01:35:25,054 --> 01:35:27,390
Pretending it's 'cause we are young
2328
01:35:27,473 --> 01:35:29,392
We are what
2329
01:35:29,475 --> 01:35:31,644
These days we only follow
2330
01:35:31,727 --> 01:35:34,230
These days we're feeling hollow
2331
01:35:34,313 --> 01:35:36,649
Get paid, the only motto
2332
01:35:37,566 --> 01:35:39,485
We are what
2333
01:35:39,568 --> 01:35:41,862
They say it all gets better
2334
01:35:41,946 --> 01:35:44,532
They say it won't last forever
2335
01:35:44,615 --> 01:35:46,992
Then someone pulls the trigger
2336
01:35:48,285 --> 01:35:51,997
We've got hearts in the right places
2337
01:35:52,081 --> 01:35:55,918
But we're still a danger to ourselves
2338
01:35:56,001 --> 01:35:58,337
Maybe it's 'cause we are young
2339
01:35:58,421 --> 01:36:00,464
We are what
2340
01:36:04,301 --> 01:36:08,264
Congratulations to State Senator Jess Thayer!
2341
01:36:08,347 --> 01:36:09,432
(WHOOPING)
2342
01:36:09,515 --> 01:36:10,558
Thank you.
2343
01:36:10,683 --> 01:36:13,018
My number one boss bitch! Whoo!
2344
01:36:13,185 --> 01:36:15,354
(APPLAUSE STOPS)
2345
01:36:15,729 --> 01:36:19,150
And now to celebrate her win,
we have a special request.
2346
01:36:19,483 --> 01:36:20,526
Me?
2347
01:36:21,402 --> 01:36:23,487
(APPLAUSE)
2348
01:36:23,696 --> 01:36:25,114
PIPPA: Thank you so much.
2349
01:36:25,489 --> 01:36:28,367
I actually have a surprise
for all of you. Um...
2350
01:36:28,909 --> 01:36:30,619
I've written a song
2351
01:36:30,786 --> 01:36:34,290
that I hope can sort of encapsulate,
2352
01:36:34,582 --> 01:36:37,585
um, the bond of friendship that we all have.
2353
01:36:38,002 --> 01:36:40,296
And so, I want to play it for you now.
2354
01:36:41,922 --> 01:36:45,134
(SINGING) Sometimes
2355
01:36:46,093 --> 01:36:48,095
You kill a man
2356
01:36:49,180 --> 01:36:53,184
When he's taking off his clothes for you
2357
01:36:54,935 --> 01:36:57,354
You kill a man
2358
01:36:58,481 --> 01:37:01,358
You kill him with your friends
2359
01:37:01,525 --> 01:37:03,110
And he dies
2360
01:37:04,528 --> 01:37:06,906
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
2361
01:37:07,448 --> 01:37:08,574
(WHISPERS) Jesus, it's good.
2362
01:37:08,657 --> 01:37:10,868
(SINGING) Other times
2363
01:37:12,244 --> 01:37:14,830
When you kill a man
2364
01:37:15,164 --> 01:37:20,503
You need to toss his body in the ocean
2365
01:37:21,003 --> 01:37:23,255
And you don't care
2366
01:37:24,507 --> 01:37:28,969
'Cause your friends are there by your side
2367
01:37:30,554 --> 01:37:32,139
They make it fun
2368
01:37:33,641 --> 01:37:36,644
I love you, girls
2369
01:37:36,977 --> 01:37:38,062
I love you, Pippa!
2370
01:37:38,145 --> 01:37:40,147
We killed a man
2371
01:37:40,314 --> 01:37:42,942
We made a plan
2372
01:37:43,025 --> 01:37:45,819
You are my friends
2373
01:37:46,529 --> 01:37:49,073
And I'll never forget
2374
01:37:49,698 --> 01:37:52,284
This bachelorette
2375
01:37:53,118 --> 01:37:56,247
This bachelorette
2376
01:37:57,122 --> 01:37:58,874
(SONG ENDS)
2377
01:37:59,792 --> 01:38:00,960
That's the end.
2378
01:38:01,585 --> 01:38:03,295
♪♪
2379
01:38:20,980 --> 01:38:22,731
♪♪
2380
01:38:53,929 --> 01:38:56,015
♪♪
2381
01:39:14,825 --> 01:39:16,952
- ALICE: Do you guys want to come up?
- JESS: Um...
2382
01:39:17,119 --> 01:39:18,954
No, no, no. Don't come up. Don't come up.
2383
01:39:19,038 --> 01:39:21,707
- 'Cause I got to do stuff.
- PETER: (CHUCKLES) What?
2384
01:39:21,874 --> 01:39:24,627
So, I will see you at Nussbaum's at 10:00.
2385
01:39:24,752 --> 01:39:26,253
No, no. 12:30.
2386
01:39:26,587 --> 01:39:28,297
- JESS: Okay.
- I don't want to get up.
2387
01:39:29,131 --> 01:39:30,633
Okay, you guys, go. Go, go, go.
2388
01:39:30,883 --> 01:39:32,801
We want to make sure that you get in okay.
2389
01:39:32,885 --> 01:39:35,346
- You're obsessed with me. (LAUGHS)
- JESS: We love you.
2390
01:39:35,471 --> 01:39:36,847
I love you.
2391
01:39:46,565 --> 01:39:47,816
Bullshit.
2392
01:39:53,322 --> 01:39:54,490
(LAUGHING) Yes!
2393
01:39:55,574 --> 01:39:57,242
Whoo! Ah...
2394
01:40:00,746 --> 01:40:02,206
♪♪
2395
01:40:11,423 --> 01:40:13,092
♪♪
2396
01:40:22,351 --> 01:40:24,603
(CRUNCHING)