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Since its debut,
true TV has brought you...
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The finest in documentary
and informational programming.
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00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,266
You've counted on us,
and we've taken you there.
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From the edge of the world
to the edge of your seat,
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from the streets of L.A.
to the serengeti plain,
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from inner peace to outer space,
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your funniest moments
and most tragic times.
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You've laughed, you've cried,
you've almost died.
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But now we'll take you
where you've never been before.
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No script, no actors,
no editing.
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All day, all night, all true.
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All day, all night, all true.
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Every second is true
on true TV...
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This spring.
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So, any questions?
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Yes?
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Okay, I think we get that
it's true, but what is it?
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Cynthia, why don't you come up here?
This is your moment.
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Folks, this is Cynthia topping. She's
the program director at true TV.
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She's the one that's gonna be strapped to
a scud missile if this idea doesn't work.
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Th-thank you, Mr. Whitaker.
I've always wanted to travel.
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Th-thank you, Mr. Whitaker.
I've always wanted to travel.
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The... missile. Yes?
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Isn't this show similar to a
show pbs had on in the '70s?
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- The loud family?
- No, no, this is completely different.
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We are gonna--
We're gonna pick one person,
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one--
All right.
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One normal person.
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Not like you folks.
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And we're gonna put that
person's life on television...
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All day long, uh, live.
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It's not pbs.
It's not real world.
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It's not pbs.
It's not real world.
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We're not gonna film it
and then edit it later.
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Is that how I sound? I don't
sound like that, do I?
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More or less. On a good day.
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You never said anything?
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I don't mean to be negative here.
Ooh!
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Hey!
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I know this was your idea, but doesn't
this have, like, a great chance of being--
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A big, smelly bomb?
Oh, you betcha! Yeah.
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And wouldn't that be,
you know, a bad thing?
43
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Keith, we're getting our butts
kicked by the gardening channel.
44
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:00,313
Keith, we're getting our butts
kicked by the gardening channel.
45
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,214
People would rather watch soil.
46
00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:07,319
We are this close to having chalk
outlines around our careers.
47
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,189
I love that we're doing this,
and I love that it's risky.
48
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,159
All anyone ever does in this
business is follow the pack.
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Hell, if people tune in to this twice
a day for five minutes, we're a hit.
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You know what finally convinced
me that this could work?
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Half a dozen wine coolers?
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When I realized that
the person we pick,
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the guy that's on TV all day
long, doesn't have to be good.
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- If he's good, great, but if he's bad, even better.
- Bad is better?
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- If he's good, great, but if he's bad, even better.
- Bad is better?
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People can't turn away
from an accident.
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You drive by and say, "ooh, I hope there's
not a head in the road. That would be--"
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but then you look.
You don't wanna miss it.
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So we put a guy on TV, and we
just sit and wait and see...
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If that head starts rollin'
down the highway.
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Now that's fun
for the whole family.
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00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:56,336
- So, what's our next step?
- We find ourselves a big, fat rolling head.
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00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,999
Are you seeing this?
Are you looking around you?
64
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,307
Are you seeing this?
Are you looking around you?
65
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:04,376
Are you--
God, you know what this is?
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00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,979
This is a horror show.
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00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:10,249
- What are you going off about now, John boy?
- This doesn't bug you?
68
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,185
All our friends and
everybody getting married,
69
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,521
and they're having kids
and, uh, careers.
70
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:19,525
And their kids are having careers.
It's a mess. Why would that bug me?
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Look at us, right?
We are doin' fine.
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Oh. Okay.
73
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:27,733
You have a beer around your neck.
Okay?
74
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,401
- That's my point!
- Hey, there's ray!
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00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:29,999
Your brother's here.
Hey, go long, man.
76
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,520
Your brother's here.
Hey, go long, man.
77
00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:35,641
I'm gonna go over
and say hi to Kim.
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00:04:35,642 --> 00:04:38,978
Yeah. Listen, that was great tonight.
I loved it.
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00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,346
Oh, man!
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00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:42,381
Insane, ray. What's
goin' on, man?
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00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:44,583
I'm tellin' you, it's weird.
82
00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,252
We meet,
we go out a couple times,
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and then bing-bang-boom, she's
got me meetin' her parents.
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00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:51,257
What do you mean,
bing-bang-boom, buddy?
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00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:54,193
You've been goin' out with her
for six months.
86
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Yeah? Yeah.
87
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,165
It suddenly feels like the walls
are closing in on me.
88
00:04:59,166 --> 00:04:59,999
You know? The father
is sitting there,
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00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,735
you know? The father
is sitting there,
90
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,670
asking me about
my career prospects.
91
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:06,405
Can you believe that?
92
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:09,008
And, oh, at dinner...
93
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,443
The-- the dog
is sniffing my balls.
94
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:13,412
At least I hope it was the dog,
95
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:16,016
because her mother
disappeared for a while.
96
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:24,456
- What's goin' on over there?
- They're doin' audition tapes for that true TV thing.
97
00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:27,226
People are sendin' 'em in
from all over the place.
98
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:29,999
- Oh, yeah? That's cool!
- What's cool?
99
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,629
- Oh, yeah? That's cool!
- What's cool?
100
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:34,333
To be that guy, that guy they
watch all day. Get outta here.
101
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I'm telling you, mark my words.
That guy is gonna be famous.
102
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,540
He'll be able to get whatever
he wants, whoever he wa--
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Hey, trust me.
This is my business.
104
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,679
Wh-wh-what is? Show business.
105
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,282
Oh, you in show business now?
Yeah, I service video equipment.
106
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:56,156
That's like saying those people stitchin'
nikes in Panama are in the n.B.A.
107
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Hello?
108
00:05:58,992 --> 00:05:59,999
Bed-wetter. Thumb-sucker.
109
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,194
Bed-wetter. Thumb-sucker.
110
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,730
You know what? I'm gonna go make a tape.
You know what?
111
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:07,499
I'm excited.
112
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,402
All right, so-- I-I know
that I can do this.
113
00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:12,305
It's my turn.
I'm next. I'm next.
114
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,040
Hey, buzz, can I get one more?
115
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You got it.
116
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Hello there.
117
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So ray met the family, huh?
118
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Oh, yeah.
119
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:26,151
I heard the dog
really liked him.
120
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:29,355
Yeah. The whole family
loved him.
121
00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:29,999
But of course, my whole family really
loved the last guy I went out with,
122
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,259
but of course, my whole family really
loved the last guy I went out with,
123
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and he strung me along for
a year and then dumped me.
124
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Yeah? Mm-hmm.
125
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And, you know, every guy
I ever broke up with,
126
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the minute it's over, I could
tell you what went wrong.
127
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:53,078
How it went wrong.
Why it had to go wrong.
128
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,282
But when I'm in it--
129
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,449
Lost.
130
00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:59,999
I'm like a love coroner.
You know?
131
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:00,986
I'm like a love coroner.
You know?
132
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,656
Bring me the corpse, I'll
tell you what killed it.
133
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:06,526
But how to prevent it? Lost.
134
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:09,995
Yeah!
135
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:13,032
I'm ray pekurny!
136
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:19,138
I'm from right here in San Francisco,
the greatest city in the world.
137
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,473
- Are you with me?
- Yeah!
138
00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:23,542
Go, niners!
139
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:25,077
Yeah!
140
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,512
How are things goin'?
141
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:29,748
Okay, I want to introduce
you to my girlfriend.
142
00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:30,000
She's, uh-- she's really
cute, she's really cool,
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00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:33,452
she's, uh-- she's really
cute, she's really cool,
144
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,120
and she's...
145
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,689
Really strong.
146
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:39,425
She's a ups person.
She lifts packages.
147
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,994
Not beefy or anything.
She told me this joke.
148
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:45,064
What do you get when you
cross ups with fed ex?
149
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Fed up!
150
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,500
It's her joke.
151
00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:51,638
Oh, my brother, my brother.
Ed, yeah, come on.
152
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:56,508
Come on. Say somethin'.
153
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,110
You're an asshole, man.
154
00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,999
No, come on, man. Say somethin'.
All right.
155
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,013
No, come on, man. Say somethin'.
All right.
156
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:05,684
Um, I don't know about this whole
24-hour TV thing y'all got goin',
157
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:09,621
but if you are gonna go forward with
it, this is your man. Smart guy.
158
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:12,157
The ray-man here.
This guy's got stories.
159
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,060
This guy has lived. I've got stories.
I've lived!
160
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:17,663
Tell 'em about that dog grooming
businessou started. No, not that story.
161
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,566
You gotta tell 'em about that.
No, I don't really wanna--
162
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:23,502
Come on, ray! All right, I'm telling.
Here we go.
163
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,571
- This guy?
- Yeah, take a look at this kid.
164
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:28,173
He was gonna start up
a mobile dog groomin' business.
165
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:29,675
He's cute. Really?
166
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:30,000
Yeah! Yeah!
167
00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:31,310
Yeah! Yeah!
168
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:33,312
He doesn't wanna be like
everybody else. No.
169
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:37,483
He doesn't start it in a van or a
pickup truck or something like that.
170
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:42,321
No, the ray-man, he starts
it in the... camry!
171
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,590
- Camry!
- Camry! Camry!
172
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:45,691
Two-door.
173
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:49,161
So he gets a tub,
and he puts it in the trunk.
174
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,730
He throws the dogs in the tub, slams
the trunk, starts drivin' around.
175
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:56,969
Speeds up, stops real quick, turns left hard,
turns right to get the dogs all sudded up.
176
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,999
Pretty smart, right? Now, guess
how he dries 'em off. Guess.
177
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,407
Pretty smart, right? Now, guess
how he dries 'em off. Guess.
178
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:04,476
With the exhaust!
179
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:08,347
What do you say? We bring him in.
Can't hurt. Just talk to him?
180
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:12,985
Well, I'm from east Texas. Yep.
181
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,687
And when I was like 13,
182
00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:20,359
my mom got remarried to my stepfather
who was a traveling salesman.
183
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:25,130
He got transferred up here to San
Francisco, so we all came along.
184
00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:29,435
- Here we are. Here I am.
- Mm-hmm. Terrific.
185
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:29,999
Did you go to college or-- I
had a year of junior college.
186
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,371
Did you go to college or-- I
had a year of junior college.
187
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,741
Home of the bear cats.
188
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,343
Oh, scary.
189
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:41,113
- What did you study?
- Studyin'?
190
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:45,317
Um, geez, that'd have been a big help.
Where were you then?
191
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,586
That's cute.
192
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,989
Straight ahead. What?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
193
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:54,626
And as you see, I can get rid of
the Texas accent whenever I want.
194
00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:58,430
Or I can just slide...
195
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,999
Real deep on into it like this.
196
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,733
Real deep on into it like this.
197
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,336
How do you decide?
198
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:09,475
To tell you the truth, I find that, uh...
This accent here...
199
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:12,212
don't do me no harm
with the ladies.
200
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,283
Know what I mean, darlin'?
201
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:22,222
Yeah.
202
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:24,723
No, never been married.
203
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:27,426
Um,
204
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,999
I've been burned
a couple times, though.
205
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:30,163
I've been burned
a couple times, though.
206
00:10:30,164 --> 00:10:31,698
My father?
207
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:37,436
Um... well, let's see.
208
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,671
When I was 12,
my mom got a hysterectomy.
209
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:43,308
He ran off with her nurse,
and I haven't seen him since.
210
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,546
That's my dad, Hank pekurny.
211
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,149
Next question?
212
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:54,653
Like, one time I was-- I was playing
peewee football back in Texas, right?
213
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,421
And I dislocated my finger.
214
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:59,725
Mom comes rolling out of the bleachers,
busts through this little group of kids,
215
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:00,000
grabs my finger-- whack!
216
00:11:00,001 --> 00:11:01,760
Grabs my finger-- whack!
217
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:04,730
Pops it back into place, runs up, slaps
the coach upside the head and says,
218
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,366
"let's get the game on!"
219
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,702
That's mom.
220
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:15,542
I-I... still can't really
bend this finger though.
221
00:11:19,979 --> 00:11:23,248
Uh, a dream? Oh, yeah,
man, I got a dream.
222
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,551
I, uh--
223
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:28,555
I just don't know
what it is yet, you know?
224
00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:49,142
Did you test him?
Did you do any research?
225
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,077
Research?
226
00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:55,180
We don't even have money in our
budget for coffee filters.
227
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:56,482
We're using a yarmulke.
228
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,619
But this is who you want?
229
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:05,357
I'm going based on something you
once said at a broadcasters' dinner.
230
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,359
Ha! I love it.
231
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,728
I love it.
You see what she does?
232
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,396
See what she does?
233
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:14,032
She attaches me to her choice,
234
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:17,636
thereby fueling my massive ego
and forcing me to like it.
235
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:21,573
You're great! How come you
never doodle my name?
236
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,475
I-I do. I--
I'm joking.
237
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:25,277
I'm joking.
238
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,613
Once again.
239
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,999
This is the guy
you want to go with?
240
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,400
This is the guy
you want to go with?
241
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,990
Yes.
242
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:44,329
What happens when you go to the bathroom?
Do they go in with ya?
243
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:47,366
No, al! I mean, the
bathroom's out of bounds.
244
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,101
Dinner's gettin' cold!
245
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:52,204
My life is not so great that I
want it shown on television.
246
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,139
And neither is yours, ed.
247
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,508
That's the whole point.
This could change all that.
248
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,043
How?
249
00:12:58,044 --> 00:12:59,999
I'm glad you asked.
I want to open a gym.
250
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,247
I'm glad you asked.
I want to open a gym.
251
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:04,216
- A gymnasium?
- No, no, a gym.
252
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:07,619
A gymnasium is an old, white guy
shootin' free throws like this.
253
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,721
I'm talkin' a modern-day
fitness center.
254
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,657
What does this have
to do with ed?
255
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:15,260
If ed is on TV for a month,
he gets a balloon payment.
256
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,195
That's big money.
257
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:20,532
I'd borrow against that right now
at the bank, I'd buy the gym,
258
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:26,138
I make ed a silent partner, and I cut all you
in for a slice because you signed the releases.
259
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:29,999
- This is gonna cost us.
- - It's not gonna c-- hey, look.
260
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:30,043
- This is gonna cost us.
- - It's not gonna c-- hey, look.
261
00:13:30,044 --> 00:13:33,545
Open your eyes instead of your mouth
for once. This is a no-brainer.
262
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:37,683
The whole time I'm gonna
be promoting the gym on TV.
263
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,618
It's free advertising.
264
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:42,388
I mean--
Does anyone else see this?
265
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:44,757
How 'bout sex?
266
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,728
I'm sorry, al, but I'm
gonna have to pass.
267
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:53,031
And it's not an age thing, 'cause
you are still a handsome man.
268
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:56,702
No! Do they show you having sex?
269
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,999
No, al.
Look, kissin' and huggin'.
270
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:00,639
No, al.
Look, kissin' and huggin'.
271
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,008
- Nudity?
- Ed, you're not gonna be nude.
272
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:07,112
- Why would I be nude, ma?
- What kind of a show is this? It's a filthy show!
273
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:10,248
It is not a filthy show. Have you
even read the whole contract?
274
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:13,585
- Do you even know what's in it?
- Oh, little miss cautious.
275
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,254
She meets a guy in a bar,
she's married an hour later.
276
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:20,692
- We didn't get married, we just thought we were married.
- Marcia, calm down, honey.
277
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,762
He's pickin' at me, and he's
bringin' up all kinds of issues.
278
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:28,100
Married is married is married.
Maybe this isn't a good idea.
279
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,999
What isn't? All of it.
280
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:30,036
What isn't? All of it.
281
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:34,373
The whole thing. You know? Maybe I'll just
get out now before it gets complicated.
282
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:38,610
No harm, no foul. Great. They had
to pick you. They couldn't pick me.
283
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,012
If he doesn't want to do it--
284
00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:45,617
If he doesn't want to do it? He's 31
years old! He's a video store clerk!
285
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,153
What is his
grand master plan here?
286
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,655
What, is he gonna spend
the rest of his life...
287
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,724
Rearranging Ernest movies?
288
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,761
Everyone who works there
is 12 years old.
289
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:59,498
They go through college, they graduate,
and then they stop working there.
290
00:14:59,499 --> 00:14:59,999
Except for him! He stays to welcome
the next batch of 12-year-olds.
291
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,468
Except for him! He stays to welcome
the next batch of 12-year-olds.
292
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,737
You ask me,
it's a job for retards!
293
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,040
Ray, stop that!
294
00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:10,742
Was I being insulting?
295
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,377
Uh-huh.
296
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:13,745
Yeah, kinda.
297
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:17,149
As usual.
I mean, a fella can't--
298
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:20,386
All right, look, look. Hey.
299
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,656
You don't have to be scared.
I'm not scared.
300
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,658
Don't be scared. I'm not scared.
301
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:29,361
You're scared, man. You're scared.
I'm not scared.
302
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:29,999
I am not scared, ray. I know you got
that Doe-in-the-headlights look.
303
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,331
I am not scared, ray. I know you got
that Doe-in-the-headlights look.
304
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:36,635
You're mixing your proteins
and starches, and you can't--
305
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:41,206
I'll tell you what. You don't have to
worry about anything. You know why? Huh?
306
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:45,377
No. Why? Because big brother's
riding shotgun, man.
307
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,179
I've got your back.
308
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:51,650
Now, did anything ever happen to you when
you were a kid? Anyone ever bother you?
309
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:55,287
Just you. Just-- just me.
310
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:58,223
You bring those cameras over to
big brother, and I promise you...
311
00:15:58,224 --> 00:15:59,999
I will make something happen
for both of us, for all of us!
312
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,320
I will make something happen
for both of us, for all of us!
313
00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:15,641
You know, how many chances
do guys like you and I get?
314
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:19,679
I don't know. Yeah, that's
right, you don't know.
315
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,000
Guys, when am I gonna get my on-air feed?
All I'm gettin' are color bars.
316
00:16:30,001 --> 00:16:34,359
Guys, when am I gonna get my on-air feed?
All I'm gettin' are color bars.
317
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:38,096
Mike, loosen up a little bit. Stand
by to lose laser. Yeah, good.
318
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:40,198
T.O.C., we're ready to feed.
319
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:42,567
Carlos, show me where
you're gonna be when we go live.
320
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:47,173
There you go, right there. But back
up a little bit. Okay, right there.
321
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,280
♪ Cat scratch fever ♪
322
00:16:55,381 --> 00:16:56,582
♪ cat scra-- ♪
323
00:16:58,718 --> 00:16:59,999
Guys, we're gonna go
in 10, nine--
324
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,654
Guys, we're gonna go
in 10, nine--
325
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,623
Hold on, I'm coming.
Has it started?
326
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,225
Good morning. Sorry.
327
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:11,496
Four, three, two,
328
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:14,232
and ready one, take one.
329
00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:15,534
Shh-shh-shh.
330
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,170
There he is!
331
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,374
Not the best angle.
332
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,443
♪
333
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:27,746
♪ Sure to fascinate her ♪
334
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,999
♪ and to devastate her ♪
335
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:30,449
♪ and to devastate her ♪
336
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,985
♪
337
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,021
This is exciting.
338
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,757
Oh, my god.
Is that what I think it is?
339
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:41,560
I think so.
A little morning chubby.
340
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,629
Damn.
341
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:52,738
Oh, no. Oh, no.
342
00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:57,576
Great prices on a great look.
343
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,999
Come in to style hut today
for a whole new wardrobe--
344
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,080
Come in to style hut today
for a whole new wardrobe--
345
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:04,983
Oh, honey.
346
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:08,321
- Don't do that.
- Pull it out. Pull it out.
347
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:14,727
Well, that's embarrassing.
348
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:16,662
Morning.
349
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:24,202
Microphone. Mm. Mm-hmm.
Microphone.
350
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:26,571
♪ Want some whiskey
in your water? ♪
351
00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:28,340
♪ Sugar in your tea? ♪
352
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:29,999
Turn on the TV. ♪ What's all these
crazy questions they're askin' me? ♪
353
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,744
Turn on the TV. ♪ What's all these
crazy questions they're askin' me? ♪
354
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:35,447
♪ This is the craziest party
there could ever be ♪
355
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,482
Morning.
356
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,718
I'm ed.
357
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,754
There's that smile!
358
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:47,026
♪ Mama told me not to come ♪
359
00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:53,299
♪ That ain't the way to
have fun, no ♪ ♪ uh-uh ♪
360
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:59,338
Ow, ow, ow! Hot! Whoa.
An action sequence.
361
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:03,408
I kind of pieced this stereo
together, a homemade job.
362
00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:07,345
This is my wall of chrome.
363
00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:10,616
I've been collecting those
since, like, 1973.
364
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,754
Shit.
365
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:19,324
♪ Mama told me not to come ♪
366
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,359
Oh, wow.
367
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,162
♪ That ain't the way
to ain't fun, son ♪
368
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:27,666
What'd I miss? He's
checking out his own ass.
369
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,999
You gotta see this. Oh, my--
370
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:30,568
You gotta see this. Oh, my--
371
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:34,039
Oh, my god!
372
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,242
Ohh!
373
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,256
♪ Yeah ♪
374
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,160
Hey!
375
00:19:56,562 --> 00:19:58,597
♪ All right ♪
376
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:05,136
Come on, man, hop in.
377
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,605
Let's go!
378
00:20:07,606 --> 00:20:12,077
♪ I need a little time
to believe what's true ♪
379
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:15,347
♪ I don't know what's going on ♪
380
00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:18,349
♪ some days I'm stayin' ♪
381
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:20,752
♪ some days I'm like
a rollin' stone ♪
382
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:23,354
Mast is down!
383
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:26,091
Let's go, Sam, let's go!
384
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,358
♪ Too many shoes I've tried
that don't fit ♪
385
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,227
♪ too many flies
flyin' round this bullshit ♪
386
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:29,999
♪ too many cooks
too much kitchen ♪
387
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,496
♪ too many cooks
too much kitchen ♪
388
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:34,065
♪ I can't take it ♪
389
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:38,670
♪ I'm thinkin' back
so many places ♪
390
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:42,107
♪ - my heart, my love turning pages ♪ Hey, ed!
- Ed, up here!
391
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:45,477
Guys, film me. Yeah, hi!
Ed, up here!
392
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:48,046
Yeah!
393
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:50,082
Hey! Hey!
394
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,251
Act like everything is normal.
395
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,054
Go, go!
396
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:59,225
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
397
00:21:00,226 --> 00:21:02,460
♪ oww, come on, ooh ♪
398
00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:04,597
♪ Hey, what's up, ed?
399
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:11,170
- Guys.
- Welcome to work, ed.
400
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:17,108
It's good to be at work... Lou.
401
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,244
I got just what you need
right here, boys.
402
00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:24,115
The best tape in the whole damn store.
Smokey and the bandit. Huh?
403
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,618
Who's in that? Who?
404
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:29,999
Burton Leon Reynolds junior
is in that, boys.
405
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:30,322
Burton Leon Reynolds junior
is in that, boys.
406
00:21:30,323 --> 00:21:33,691
Who? Burton Leon
Reynolds junior.
407
00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:35,393
Get out.
408
00:21:35,394 --> 00:21:37,729
You can't have this tape.
G-go home!
409
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,431
Get your raggedy little Steven
seagal-lovin' asses outta here.
410
00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:43,068
"Who is this?"
It's Burt Reynolds!
411
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,007
Burt.
412
00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:50,675
Burt rules.
413
00:21:50,676 --> 00:21:52,677
Alice, why are we watching this?
414
00:21:52,678 --> 00:21:54,646
No reason. I just wanna
see what happens.
415
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:59,517
Let me spare you the suspense. Nothing's
gonna happen. Trust me on this.
416
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:00,000
Yeah, which one of these albums
would you recommend?
417
00:22:00,001 --> 00:22:04,088
Yeah, which one of these albums
would you recommend?
418
00:22:04,089 --> 00:22:07,292
I gotta go with that. Yeah.
419
00:22:07,293 --> 00:22:09,661
That's a good choice.
That's their first album.
420
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:12,597
- I think he's cute.
- can't go wrong with the first album.
421
00:22:12,598 --> 00:22:16,434
It's like before they learned how
to-- record company told 'em--
422
00:22:16,435 --> 00:22:18,703
No, no, no.
423
00:22:18,704 --> 00:22:21,706
You look at your husband, okay? I'm gonna
make you say my name tonight, woman.
424
00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:25,643
Most people like to hurry though
a toenail clippin' session.
425
00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:27,712
Just clip and git.
426
00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:29,999
Not me. Uh-uh.
427
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:30,115
Not me. Uh-uh.
428
00:22:30,116 --> 00:22:33,319
I like to take my time.
429
00:22:34,987 --> 00:22:37,689
I'm meticulous. You know?
430
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,557
I like to do it.
431
00:22:39,558 --> 00:22:41,593
Yeah.
432
00:22:41,594 --> 00:22:44,996
If this guy collects his toe
cheese, I'm outta here.
433
00:22:44,997 --> 00:22:48,600
Some guys start here, then down
to the little toe. That ain't me.
434
00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:50,536
I save the big one...
435
00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:55,173
For last.
436
00:22:55,174 --> 00:22:59,478
'Cause it's bigger. You gotta do some work.
You gotta be an artiste.
437
00:23:00,579 --> 00:23:02,615
Look at that.
438
00:23:04,083 --> 00:23:06,351
Oh!
439
00:23:06,352 --> 00:23:09,754
No. No, I haven't seen
the spot ratings.
440
00:23:09,755 --> 00:23:13,391
You know how you're watching the big
game and you gotta do your business?
441
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,526
Right? The worst time to do it.
442
00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:20,765
Yeah. That's a number that, you know,
hopefully we can obvi-- we'll build from.
443
00:23:20,766 --> 00:23:25,303
I don't have to anymore. Check that out.
I designed this.
444
00:23:25,304 --> 00:23:29,999
No, I disagree. I don't think
it's time to pull the plug.
445
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:30,276
No, I disagree. I don't think
it's time to pull the plug.
446
00:23:30,277 --> 00:23:33,144
Yes, Mr. Whitaker,
I know they shoot horses.
447
00:23:33,145 --> 00:23:35,580
What do you see? What is that?
448
00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:38,983
That is the TV. And where am I?
449
00:23:38,984 --> 00:23:40,618
I am on the can.
450
00:23:40,619 --> 00:23:44,555
At the same time I am on the
can, but yet I am still a fan.
451
00:23:44,556 --> 00:23:47,058
You know, it's been one day.
452
00:23:47,059 --> 00:23:51,763
Can you give me a week with this guy,
and then you fly up my nose? Hello?
453
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:56,534
Somebody smart said,
"practicality wins out."
454
00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:59,999
So, in this bathroom
I'm a... winner.
455
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,440
So, in this bathroom
I'm a... winner.
456
00:24:02,074 --> 00:24:04,342
Yeah.
457
00:24:04,343 --> 00:24:07,045
Five.
458
00:24:07,046 --> 00:24:11,349
Six. Seven.
459
00:24:11,350 --> 00:24:14,719
Eight. Nine!
460
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,990
Come on, ray,
she's not that heavy.
461
00:24:20,693 --> 00:24:23,028
Yeah! Yeah!
462
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:26,297
You shifted your weight.
463
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,200
I'm not hurt. I'm not hurt.
I'm okay.
464
00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:29,999
Ray's gym!
Now accepting applications!
465
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,603
Ray's gym!
Now accepting applications!
466
00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:36,541
We want your body! Ray's! Look
what he did for me. Huh? Huh?
467
00:24:36,542 --> 00:24:39,377
All right! Oh, god!
468
00:24:39,378 --> 00:24:41,446
Hey, John boy!
469
00:24:41,447 --> 00:24:45,283
What do you like about it?
I don't understand.
470
00:24:45,284 --> 00:24:50,288
I don't know. It's just that--
Well-- just let me watch.
471
00:24:50,289 --> 00:24:52,657
You're gonna love this.
This is a great story.
472
00:24:52,658 --> 00:24:56,995
I got a great story. You remember marcia?
Of course. She's our sister.
473
00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:59,999
You know she's goin' out
with this new guy.
474
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:00,765
You know she's goin' out
with this new guy.
475
00:25:00,766 --> 00:25:04,569
- They're livin' together.
- You want to save this till later?
476
00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:06,671
No, no, now's the perfect time.
477
00:25:06,672 --> 00:25:11,042
He's a singer in a piano bar. Sings, plays
the piano. And that's how they met.
478
00:25:11,043 --> 00:25:14,612
- He sang to her and they fell in love.
- - Not even, buzz.
479
00:25:14,613 --> 00:25:19,283
No. Get this. Some drunk hit him
in the head with a snifter.
480
00:25:19,284 --> 00:25:21,519
One of those things you
keep on the bar for tips?
481
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,654
You don't know, buzz,
'cause you never get tips.
482
00:25:23,655 --> 00:25:26,724
He hit him over the head 'cause he's
terrible. He's wretched. He's awful.
483
00:25:26,725 --> 00:25:29,999
He's dreadful. He sucks.
I'm tellin' ya, right?
484
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:30,062
He's dreadful. He sucks.
I'm tellin' ya, right?
485
00:25:30,063 --> 00:25:34,332
That's what happened. She's pullin'
a chunk of glass out of his skull,
486
00:25:34,333 --> 00:25:37,235
and he bleeds on her,
and that's all she needs!
487
00:25:37,236 --> 00:25:39,504
Bing! It's amore, right?
488
00:25:39,505 --> 00:25:45,343
The question I'm askin' is, what's she
doin' in a bar in the first place?
489
00:25:45,344 --> 00:25:47,045
She's an alcoholic,
for Christ's sakes!
490
00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:50,481
No, ray, buddy, not here.
491
00:25:50,482 --> 00:25:53,585
Come on, now. I gotta pee.
I gotta pee.
492
00:25:55,988 --> 00:25:59,123
Hey, what, are you hidin'
from the police or somethin'?
493
00:25:59,124 --> 00:25:59,999
Come on, show yourself.
Look, is she beautiful?
494
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,660
Come on, show yourself.
Look, is she beautiful?
495
00:26:02,661 --> 00:26:05,229
She's beautiful, right?
That's my girl.
496
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:08,966
While I'm gone, Edward, tell 'em
about that time we lied to mom...
497
00:26:08,967 --> 00:26:11,270
And then went to Tijuana
to find the donkey show.
498
00:26:14,073 --> 00:26:16,742
I got her. I got her.
499
00:26:19,111 --> 00:26:20,579
You are though.
500
00:26:21,713 --> 00:26:23,148
What?
501
00:26:24,049 --> 00:26:25,984
Beautiful.
502
00:26:31,457 --> 00:26:34,692
Thank you. You're welcome.
Yeah, bud?
503
00:26:34,693 --> 00:26:40,098
I'm taking a poll on whether
or not I should shave my head.
504
00:26:40,099 --> 00:26:42,633
I've had about 19 beers,
so take that into account.
505
00:26:42,634 --> 00:26:45,403
Barry, did you see that? What?
506
00:26:45,404 --> 00:26:48,739
The girl. The look. Yeah.
507
00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:52,243
She likes the ed guy better
than she likes the brother.
508
00:26:52,244 --> 00:26:54,679
I don't think I like it.
I don't think it's nice.
509
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,014
It's a good set of hair
you got on your head now.
510
00:26:57,015 --> 00:26:59,999
I've had about enough of this.
Give me the remote.
511
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:00,352
I've had about enough of this.
Give me the remote.
512
00:27:00,353 --> 00:27:03,122
Just a few more minutes.
Read your book.
513
00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:23,074
♪ Well, now, I wanna
tell you a story ♪
514
00:27:23,075 --> 00:27:26,144
♪ I wanna tell you
about my town ♪
515
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:29,180
♪ I wanna tell you
a story now, people ♪
516
00:27:29,181 --> 00:27:29,999
♪ And it's all about my town ♪
517
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,549
♪ and it's all about my town ♪
518
00:27:31,550 --> 00:27:34,086
♪ yeah, down by the river ♪
519
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:38,222
Not this morning. Uh-uh.
520
00:27:38,223 --> 00:27:41,425
Let's change topics. Does anybody
have an opinion, a viewpoint...
521
00:27:41,426 --> 00:27:44,362
On something going on now
called ed TV?
522
00:27:44,363 --> 00:27:48,566
Oh! This is a new low point
in American culture.
523
00:27:48,567 --> 00:27:51,435
You're being kind. You're
being way too kind. Ah!
524
00:27:51,436 --> 00:27:54,373
♪ That's where you'll find me ♪
525
00:27:55,307 --> 00:27:56,674
♪ along with the lovers ♪
526
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,677
♪ muggers and thieves ♪
527
00:28:03,348 --> 00:28:05,417
♪
528
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,720
Brushin' my teeth.
529
00:28:09,721 --> 00:28:13,157
They never bothered to pick
a guy with any talent.
530
00:28:13,158 --> 00:28:15,126
Or even anything to say.
531
00:28:15,127 --> 00:28:18,396
They seem to celebrate the
fact that the guy's a boob.
532
00:28:18,397 --> 00:28:21,733
Sort of a joyous celebration of boobery.
That's what it is.
533
00:28:23,202 --> 00:28:24,570
Take it easy.
534
00:28:26,638 --> 00:28:29,999
Hey, ed, your show stinks.
What a loser!
535
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,409
Hey, ed, your show stinks.
What a loser!
536
00:28:31,410 --> 00:28:34,712
Hey, ed, you want my autograph?
537
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:36,748
Okeydokey.
538
00:28:44,523 --> 00:28:46,657
Ten dollars?
539
00:28:46,658 --> 00:28:50,494
You're telling me now
you want $10 to walk my dog?
540
00:28:50,495 --> 00:28:54,365
Listen, we had a deal, you
little eight-year-old bastard.
541
00:28:54,366 --> 00:28:57,669
I'll tell you what.
Keep the dog.
542
00:28:59,471 --> 00:28:59,999
Who is it?
543
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,973
Who is it?
544
00:29:01,974 --> 00:29:04,542
Who is it? It's me, ed, buddy.
545
00:29:04,543 --> 00:29:08,279
Ed? Just kiddin'. How you doin'?
546
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,215
Good. You ready to
watch the game?
547
00:29:11,216 --> 00:29:15,119
Actually, no. I'm a little bit sleepy.
I'm tired, I'm exhausted--
548
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,421
What are you talkin' about being sleepy?
Five minutes to tip-off.
549
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:19,690
It's time for rocket ball!
550
00:29:19,691 --> 00:29:22,059
Ray, where do you keep
the glasses?
551
00:29:22,060 --> 00:29:27,732
Oh, shari's here. Why didn't
you just say so, huh?
552
00:29:27,733 --> 00:29:29,999
- Hey, shari.
- Who's shari?
553
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:31,080
- Hey, shari.
- Who's shari?
554
00:29:31,370 --> 00:29:32,704
Who's that?
555
00:29:36,108 --> 00:29:38,009
Okay. Oh, god, oh, god.
556
00:29:38,010 --> 00:29:40,711
Want me to get that? No, I got it.
Ed, don't go, I--
557
00:29:40,712 --> 00:29:44,115
Whoa, whoa! Look at that!
Get in on that!
558
00:29:44,116 --> 00:29:46,317
Oh, man!
559
00:29:46,318 --> 00:29:49,020
I'm being misled by a manipulating
medium called television.
560
00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:53,424
- Let's get out.
- No, she's a homeless girl. Ed, don't leave.
561
00:29:53,425 --> 00:29:55,559
She was out on the street,
so I--
562
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:59,999
She didn't have any clothes or a place
to stay, and I-- honey? Oh, shit! Ed?
563
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:00,531
She didn't have any clothes or a place
to stay, and I-- honey? Oh, shit! Ed?
564
00:30:00,532 --> 00:30:03,701
What do you mean homeless? My
place is better than this dump.
565
00:30:03,702 --> 00:30:05,536
Dump?
566
00:30:05,537 --> 00:30:09,106
What? That was shari on the phone.
She saw the whole thing on TV.
567
00:30:09,107 --> 00:30:13,244
I gotta tell ya, she's pissed.
No shit, ray. Who's the girl?
568
00:30:13,245 --> 00:30:17,281
The--
Come here a second.
569
00:30:17,282 --> 00:30:20,284
She's the receptionist at the place
where I buy all that gym equipment.
570
00:30:20,285 --> 00:30:24,155
And she's a real knockout and a redhead
to boot, which I've never had.
571
00:30:24,156 --> 00:30:26,290
And she's never given me
the time of day.
572
00:30:26,291 --> 00:30:29,999
Suddenly, today she's all, "hey, I
saw you on TV, and you were great."
573
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:30,195
Suddenly, today she's all, "hey, I
saw you on TV, and you were great."
574
00:30:30,196 --> 00:30:34,565
And I'm all, "you know, I just made some
ginger root gazpacho. Come on over."
575
00:30:34,566 --> 00:30:36,701
The next thing you know,
ba-da-bing!
576
00:30:36,702 --> 00:30:40,104
I mean, I'm human. What do you mean?
Why didn't you stop?
577
00:30:40,105 --> 00:30:41,572
Stop?
578
00:30:41,573 --> 00:30:45,443
Why didn't you stop? I'm the guy.
I don't stop!
579
00:30:45,444 --> 00:30:48,413
That's the woman's job. We're the gas.
They're the brakes.
580
00:30:51,316 --> 00:30:56,354
Go talk to shari. Honey, let him
come talk to you. Why? Why me?
581
00:30:56,355 --> 00:30:59,999
Because you brought the cameras here.
You brought the girl.
582
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:00,359
Because you brought the cameras here.
You brought the girl.
583
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:06,030
Oh! Is that the way it is? You can't do
me that one little, simple favor? Great.
584
00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:08,432
Okay, I don't need
any favors from you!
585
00:31:08,433 --> 00:31:11,136
Matter of fact,
p.S., go to hell!
586
00:31:14,172 --> 00:31:16,307
Friggin' out of his gourd, man.
587
00:31:16,308 --> 00:31:20,144
Ed, man, come on, you know I
really need this. I need this!
588
00:31:20,145 --> 00:31:22,313
If I go over there, you know
they're coming with me.
589
00:31:22,314 --> 00:31:26,450
If I go over, she's gonna put my balls
in a blender. You know you would, honey.
590
00:31:26,451 --> 00:31:29,999
All I'm askin' is just go talk to her
and beg her. Beg her if you have--
591
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:30,422
All I'm askin' is just go talk to her
and beg her. Beg her if you have--
592
00:31:30,423 --> 00:31:36,227
Actually, honey, just let him come beg you.
And you owe me.
593
00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:38,129
I owe you? You know you owe me.
594
00:31:38,130 --> 00:31:40,297
I owe you. I owe you?
You owe me.
595
00:31:40,298 --> 00:31:43,334
Yes, go! Come--
596
00:31:43,335 --> 00:31:47,471
I can't go on about this.
"I owe you, you owe me."
597
00:31:47,472 --> 00:31:52,476
Look, I have a guest. I'm bein'
rude, all right? I'll talk to you.
598
00:31:52,477 --> 00:31:54,312
Thanks, honey. Okay.
599
00:32:00,986 --> 00:32:03,487
Yeah, yeah, Phil,
are you watchin' this?
600
00:32:03,488 --> 00:32:06,624
- Friggin' out of his gourd.
- You might wanna take a look.
601
00:32:06,625 --> 00:32:09,460
Jack, let's go. We're gonna be late.
Shush.
602
00:32:09,461 --> 00:32:12,564
Don't shush me. Oh, shush.
Shush! Shush!
603
00:32:17,068 --> 00:32:19,403
Hi!
604
00:32:19,404 --> 00:32:22,239
Hi, I'm Rita.
I'm shari's roommate.
605
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,241
Hey, Rita, I'm ed.
606
00:32:24,242 --> 00:32:27,678
- Shari knew you were coming over because she saw.
- The cameras, yeah.
607
00:32:27,679 --> 00:32:29,999
She really doesn't want you and
the cameras up here right now.
608
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:30,714
She really doesn't want you and
the cameras up here right now.
609
00:32:30,715 --> 00:32:35,454
Right. Um, well, at least--
How is she doin'?
610
00:32:36,321 --> 00:32:38,189
I--
611
00:32:38,190 --> 00:32:40,524
I gave her a drink. I thought--
612
00:32:40,525 --> 00:32:43,461
But she's not much of a drinker,
so it's made her a little--
613
00:32:43,462 --> 00:32:46,297
What do you want? Belligerent.
614
00:32:46,298 --> 00:32:48,098
Hey, shari.
615
00:32:48,099 --> 00:32:50,601
Listen,
I'm real sorry about all this.
616
00:32:50,602 --> 00:32:53,237
Can I--
Can I come up?
617
00:32:53,238 --> 00:32:55,573
Come on, shari.
618
00:32:55,574 --> 00:32:59,999
I know it's real awkward with the cameras,
but let me come say two words, would ya?
619
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:00,544
I know it's real awkward with the cameras,
but let me come say two words, would ya?
620
00:33:00,545 --> 00:33:03,147
Shari, come on, would ya?
621
00:33:03,148 --> 00:33:05,650
I'm gettin' really wet down here.
Can I come up?
622
00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:10,287
All right, here we go, Carlos.
623
00:33:10,288 --> 00:33:12,424
Just stay with him.
Stay with him.
624
00:33:14,025 --> 00:33:15,759
- Hang on, Mike.
- Ken, am I set?
625
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,662
You're hard-wired, Mike.
626
00:33:22,434 --> 00:33:24,435
Hi. Hey.
627
00:33:24,436 --> 00:33:26,438
Thanks for lettin' me up. Sure.
628
00:33:27,706 --> 00:33:29,374
Hey, shari.
629
00:33:31,309 --> 00:33:34,044
I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.
Did I miss anything?
630
00:33:34,045 --> 00:33:36,280
Good night.
631
00:33:36,281 --> 00:33:37,582
Hi, mom.
632
00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:49,226
Ray feels-- - oh, don't
defend that horse's ass to me!
633
00:33:49,227 --> 00:33:53,030
I'm not. I'm not-- I'm not
defending him, shari. I--
634
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:56,634
I'm just sayin',
maybe this is a good thing.
635
00:33:56,635 --> 00:33:59,303
He got it out of his system,
right?
636
00:33:59,304 --> 00:33:59,999
He knows it's not worth it.
637
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:01,438
He knows it's not worth it.
638
00:34:01,439 --> 00:34:05,709
So one day if you two
decide to get married-- ha!
639
00:34:05,710 --> 00:34:08,712
I've got news for you.
640
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:13,150
I never intended to marry him.
641
00:34:13,151 --> 00:34:15,220
Why?
642
00:34:16,288 --> 00:34:18,156
Well, for one thing,
643
00:34:19,457 --> 00:34:21,493
he's a bad lay.
644
00:34:26,598 --> 00:34:29,200
I mean bad!
645
00:34:31,136 --> 00:34:32,603
Oh!
646
00:34:32,604 --> 00:34:35,039
You tell him, sister!
You tell him!
647
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,676
Ah, you know, that's terrible.
648
00:34:38,677 --> 00:34:41,079
Oh, shit.
649
00:34:42,213 --> 00:34:44,415
Hey, shari--
650
00:34:44,416 --> 00:34:46,483
You happy now, ray?
651
00:34:46,484 --> 00:34:49,520
Listen, I think you're pissed
off at him, and you're hurt.
652
00:34:49,521 --> 00:34:52,089
And you're trying
to get back at ray.
653
00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:54,124
Don't you think?
654
00:34:54,125 --> 00:34:58,596
Yep, you're right. It's me.
655
00:34:58,597 --> 00:34:59,999
It's me! It's always me!
656
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,600
It's me! It's always me!
657
00:35:03,234 --> 00:35:07,471
I-I-- I go out with
all different kinds of guys,
658
00:35:07,472 --> 00:35:10,674
and the same thing
keeps happening!
659
00:35:10,675 --> 00:35:12,710
Look. You know what?
See these magazines?
660
00:35:12,711 --> 00:35:16,581
I take these quizzes. "How
are you at relationships?"
661
00:35:20,085 --> 00:35:24,388
I cheat, okay? I look in
the back for the answers.
662
00:35:24,389 --> 00:35:27,591
I mean, Rita says men suck
and they should all die.
663
00:35:27,592 --> 00:35:29,999
Then she eats a pound cake. She's
crazy, but she's not confused.
664
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,520
Then she eats a pound cake. She's
crazy, but she's not confused.
665
00:35:36,001 --> 00:35:38,669
Me, I examine
every little thing.
666
00:35:38,670 --> 00:35:41,539
You know? I'm just like this.
667
00:35:44,009 --> 00:35:46,377
- Shari.
- What?
668
00:35:46,378 --> 00:35:51,282
You're way too terrific of a person to
be doin' this to yourself. You are.
669
00:35:55,086 --> 00:35:57,621
I mean, hey, I've told ray
a couple of times...
670
00:35:57,622 --> 00:35:59,999
I think you are one
of the best and smartest...
671
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,026
I think you are one
of the best and smartest...
672
00:36:02,027 --> 00:36:05,062
And most attractive women
that I have ever met.
673
00:36:05,063 --> 00:36:07,165
I mean that.
674
00:36:12,570 --> 00:36:15,039
Really? Yeah, really.
675
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:17,207
I mean,
676
00:36:17,208 --> 00:36:21,112
there is nothin' wrong with you.
677
00:36:22,414 --> 00:36:24,149
Uh-oh.
678
00:36:33,324 --> 00:36:35,459
Kiss him. Kiss him!
679
00:36:35,460 --> 00:36:37,429
Don't do it, ed.
680
00:36:40,098 --> 00:36:42,067
Don't you kiss her.
Don't you kiss her.
681
00:36:47,005 --> 00:36:48,440
God!
682
00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:52,976
I'm nuts, huh? Hah! I told him.
683
00:36:52,977 --> 00:36:54,611
Yes! Yes, I win!
684
00:36:54,612 --> 00:36:58,750
Oh, Whitaker, you schmuck, I am
the golden goddess of television!
685
00:37:07,459 --> 00:37:10,028
Oh, my god.
686
00:37:14,532 --> 00:37:17,702
Yes, yes, you're on television.
You're on television!
687
00:37:18,603 --> 00:37:21,004
Oh, my god.
688
00:37:21,005 --> 00:37:23,675
Oh, god.
689
00:37:24,676 --> 00:37:26,710
Oh, wow.
690
00:37:26,711 --> 00:37:29,613
Listen, shari? It's okay.
691
00:37:29,614 --> 00:37:30,000
I just kissed my boyfriend's brother
on television! How is that okay?
692
00:37:30,001 --> 00:37:33,650
I just kissed my boyfriend's brother
on television! How is that okay?
693
00:37:33,651 --> 00:37:36,120
When you put it that way,
no, it's not ideal.
694
00:37:36,121 --> 00:37:38,122
Please go. Go! Let's talk.
695
00:37:38,123 --> 00:37:41,325
All right. We're outta here, guys.
Come on, she's right.
696
00:37:41,326 --> 00:37:45,129
Son of a bitch.
What the hell just happened?
697
00:37:45,130 --> 00:37:46,530
Hey, hey!
698
00:37:46,531 --> 00:37:50,702
- Come on, ed! You can't do this to me!
- We're locked out!
699
00:37:58,042 --> 00:37:59,999
No, Carlos, you're killing me! Just shoot
the door. I got Mike up on the roof.
700
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,745
No, Carlos, you're killing me! Just shoot
the door. I got Mike up on the roof.
701
00:38:01,746 --> 00:38:03,715
I'm comin'. I'm comin'.
702
00:38:06,384 --> 00:38:08,653
What are we doing?
703
00:38:10,655 --> 00:38:14,526
I've got to tell you
something, shari. What?
704
00:38:15,727 --> 00:38:18,562
I've had a big thing for
you for months. Really?
705
00:38:18,563 --> 00:38:22,699
I've been seeing you going out with
ray and you bein' his girlfriend,
706
00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:25,569
and the whole time I was wishing
you were my girlfriend.
707
00:38:25,570 --> 00:38:28,105
See, me too!
708
00:38:28,106 --> 00:38:29,999
I am going out with ray, and
all I can think about is you.
709
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:33,678
I am going out with ray, and
all I can think about is you.
710
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:44,521
I treated you like a princess!
711
00:38:44,522 --> 00:38:47,991
This is so weird.
Yeah, it is weird.
712
00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:49,527
Okay.
713
00:38:52,463 --> 00:38:54,299
Oh, I gotta go.
714
00:39:13,318 --> 00:39:14,419
¿Uno más?
715
00:39:33,705 --> 00:39:36,173
Ray? Oh, hey, al. You seen ray?
716
00:39:36,174 --> 00:39:37,207
Is he around?
717
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:39,643
- Hey! I'm on television!
- Yeah.
718
00:39:39,644 --> 00:39:42,512
Ray was here, but he left when
he saw you were comin' over.
719
00:39:42,513 --> 00:39:45,215
Shit. That was some night
last night, huh, kiddo?
720
00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:48,252
Yeah, it damn sure was, al.
721
00:39:48,253 --> 00:39:50,287
All right, how about mom?
Is she around?
722
00:39:50,288 --> 00:39:54,591
She's here in the bedroom. I'd
yell for her, but I'd die.
723
00:39:54,592 --> 00:39:57,094
Don't do that. Mom!
724
00:39:57,095 --> 00:39:59,999
I'm right here, darlin'. No need to shout.
That's not how you were brought up.
725
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,766
I'm right here, darlin'. No need to shout.
That's not how you were brought up.
726
00:40:02,767 --> 00:40:05,402
Mom, what are you doin'?
727
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:09,072
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to my home.
728
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:11,275
- Blanche Dubois lives.
- Mom. Mom.
729
00:40:11,276 --> 00:40:15,178
I'm looking for ray. I've been calling him.
He won't call me back.
730
00:40:15,179 --> 00:40:17,714
How could you do something like that?
Your own brother's girlfriend.
731
00:40:17,715 --> 00:40:20,250
It's not all my fault.
He cheated on her.
732
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:24,655
It was a mistake. Yes, it was a mistake.
Do you know where he is?
733
00:40:24,656 --> 00:40:27,591
No. Maybe he's watching.
734
00:40:27,592 --> 00:40:29,999
Tell him you're sorry. Tell him that
you will stay away from that girl.
735
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:30,661
Tell him you're sorry. Tell him that
you will stay away from that girl.
736
00:40:30,662 --> 00:40:33,730
No, ma! And that girl
has a name, okay?
737
00:40:33,731 --> 00:40:37,467
What, do you love her
or something?
738
00:40:37,468 --> 00:40:39,970
- Come on, al.
- Look at that red face.
739
00:40:39,971 --> 00:40:41,972
I had a car that color. A buick!
740
00:40:41,973 --> 00:40:43,573
Aren't you excited?
741
00:40:43,574 --> 00:40:47,010
He practically said he loved
you on television! I know.
742
00:40:47,011 --> 00:40:50,348
Hi, girls. Hi.
743
00:40:54,085 --> 00:40:56,586
Oh, look at the little girls.
744
00:40:56,587 --> 00:40:59,156
Take my picture.
Here, take my picture.
745
00:40:59,157 --> 00:40:59,999
I gotta go to work.
746
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,258
I gotta go to work.
747
00:41:01,259 --> 00:41:03,560
I gotta go to work.
You understand that?
748
00:41:03,561 --> 00:41:08,732
I am really gonna get hurt
this time.
749
00:41:08,733 --> 00:41:12,569
Here we go, girls.
I'm goin' to work. Bye.
750
00:41:12,570 --> 00:41:15,706
Yeah, doc,
I stopped payment on the plugs.
751
00:41:15,707 --> 00:41:18,675
You gave me doll hair!
752
00:41:18,676 --> 00:41:20,244
I'll hold.
753
00:41:24,282 --> 00:41:27,150
Okay, now I'll tell you
something else. Yeah.
754
00:41:27,151 --> 00:41:29,999
The old guy in the wheelchair,
the stepfather? Yeah.
755
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:31,355
The old guy in the wheelchair,
the stepfather? Yeah.
756
00:41:31,356 --> 00:41:34,058
They're gonna have him die.
757
00:41:36,627 --> 00:41:38,495
That was Whitaker on the phone.
758
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:43,167
I'm gonna have to scrub my ass because
he's on his way over to kiss it.
759
00:41:44,402 --> 00:41:47,372
Hey, bring it on in, buddy.
Bring it on in.
760
00:41:48,439 --> 00:41:50,441
That's right. Come on.
761
00:41:51,542 --> 00:41:55,146
A little further up. Come on.
All right, perfect, man.
762
00:41:56,447 --> 00:41:59,583
I got my own parking spot now?
It's all for you, ed.
763
00:41:59,584 --> 00:42:00,000
How's it going, man? Good, Marcus.
How are you?
764
00:42:00,001 --> 00:42:02,719
How's it going, man? Good, Marcus.
How are you?
765
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:06,123
Thanks, man.
Ed, you're the best, man.
766
00:42:06,124 --> 00:42:08,025
Hi, mom. Saw you last night.
Lookin' good, man.
767
00:42:08,026 --> 00:42:09,493
Hey, ed.
768
00:42:09,494 --> 00:42:13,196
Oh, ray! Man, I've been
lookin' all over for you.
769
00:42:13,197 --> 00:42:16,166
Listen, man, I know I got
some explaining to do.
770
00:42:16,167 --> 00:42:18,668
Just let me do
what I came here to do.
771
00:42:18,669 --> 00:42:20,571
What, do you want to fight?
772
00:42:22,673 --> 00:42:25,542
Cassie. Cassie, come on.
773
00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:28,245
This is really hard.
You promised.
774
00:42:28,246 --> 00:42:29,999
What are--
What are you doing, ray?
775
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:31,014
What are--
What are you doing, ray?
776
00:42:31,015 --> 00:42:32,483
Go ahead.
777
00:42:33,618 --> 00:42:37,287
I went out with ray
a few years ago...
778
00:42:37,288 --> 00:42:39,222
For a couple of months,
779
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:41,492
and we were intimate.
780
00:42:43,161 --> 00:42:48,432
An.. He's really not as bad
as that girl said he was.
781
00:42:48,433 --> 00:42:51,635
I mean, I've definitely had worse.
That enough.
782
00:42:51,636 --> 00:42:54,671
I think we did
what we came here for.
783
00:42:54,672 --> 00:42:58,208
- Good-bye, brother.
- No, no, come on, ray!
784
00:42:58,209 --> 00:42:59,999
- Vindicated!
- Whoo! Yeah!
785
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,211
- Vindicated!
- Whoo! Yeah!
786
00:43:01,212 --> 00:43:03,480
Ray, what are you--
787
00:43:03,481 --> 00:43:05,415
I'm in the bathroom. Go ahead.
788
00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:07,584
Sorry we're calling so late.
789
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:11,655
This is the only time we get to talk to you
off camera. It's cool, Cynthia. I was up.
790
00:43:11,656 --> 00:43:14,157
Ed, why didn't you go
see shari today, man?
791
00:43:14,158 --> 00:43:18,195
That's what everybody was hoping you'd do.
I wanted to, but I--
792
00:43:18,196 --> 00:43:22,666
Is it about ray? Because ray is not
a problem. He cheated on shari.
793
00:43:22,667 --> 00:43:26,436
That's right, ed. Viewers don't like ray.
The research says females--
794
00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:29,999
No, hey, guys,
it's not ray. Okay?
795
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:30,108
No, hey, guys,
it's not ray. Okay?
796
00:43:30,109 --> 00:43:33,510
Hey, Cynthia? Yes, ed?
797
00:43:33,511 --> 00:43:36,713
Do you got a second? Can I talk
to you alone for a second?
798
00:43:36,714 --> 00:43:41,084
Absolutely, yeah. Why don't you guys
take off? I'll see you in the morning.
799
00:43:41,085 --> 00:43:44,221
Okay, see you later. All
right, I'll see you later.
800
00:43:44,222 --> 00:43:47,125
Good-bye. All right.
See you later.
801
00:43:48,526 --> 00:43:50,560
Ed, how's it goin'?
802
00:43:50,561 --> 00:43:55,599
I'm good, you know. I'm-- I'm good.
Everything's-- everything's cool.
803
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:58,568
Did you decide you don't
really like shari that much?
804
00:43:58,569 --> 00:43:59,999
No! N-n-n-no!
Listen, that's not it at all.
805
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:02,139
No! N-n-n-no!
Listen, that's not it at all.
806
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:05,976
I like shari plenty.
Shari is-- oh, man.
807
00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:09,147
Shari's great. Yeah?
808
00:44:11,549 --> 00:44:14,317
Lookit, Cynthia,
how's this gonna work?
809
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:17,587
What, are we gonna date on TV?
She's not gonna like that.
810
00:44:17,588 --> 00:44:22,492
If you don't call her, you're not
really giving her a choice. -Okay.
811
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:24,661
- Ed?
- What?
812
00:44:24,662 --> 00:44:29,366
Can I give you some
advice about women? Sure.
813
00:44:29,367 --> 00:44:29,999
Women want to be pursued.
814
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,670
Women want to be pursued.
815
00:44:33,704 --> 00:44:35,205
Yes, but--
816
00:44:35,206 --> 00:44:37,175
Ed? Huh?
817
00:44:38,009 --> 00:44:39,677
What would Burt do?
818
00:44:53,991 --> 00:44:58,228
This is so exciting. A real
celebrity delivering my figs.
819
00:44:58,229 --> 00:44:59,999
Yeah. Okay, if you would
just sign right here, please.
820
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:01,097
Yeah. Okay, if you would
just sign right here, please.
821
00:45:01,098 --> 00:45:05,402
Ray's a pig. That ed is a doll.
Latch onto him, honey.
822
00:45:05,403 --> 00:45:08,038
Okay. Just sign right there
in the black area, please.
823
00:45:08,039 --> 00:45:12,609
It wouldn't kill you to use more makeup
on television. You look washed out.
824
00:45:12,610 --> 00:45:16,012
What would I actually have to do
to get you to sign this? Uh-huh.
825
00:45:16,013 --> 00:45:19,617
On television a minute, and
already you got an attitude.
826
00:45:21,285 --> 00:45:22,753
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
827
00:45:26,023 --> 00:45:27,425
Hi.
828
00:45:29,193 --> 00:45:29,999
What are you doing?
I missed you.
829
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:31,761
What are you doing?
I missed you.
830
00:45:31,762 --> 00:45:33,764
Really?
831
00:45:34,765 --> 00:45:36,467
I--
832
00:45:42,406 --> 00:45:45,242
Wow. I've never seen you
in uniform before.
833
00:45:45,243 --> 00:45:47,143
Yeah, well--
834
00:45:47,144 --> 00:45:51,014
It's really quite a turnoff.
835
00:45:51,015 --> 00:45:52,617
Thank you.
836
00:45:53,718 --> 00:45:56,553
Listen, Sunday night
at the sharks game,
837
00:45:56,554 --> 00:45:58,755
I'm gonna be driving
the zamboni.
838
00:45:58,756 --> 00:45:59,999
The what? That big machine
that cleans the ice, you know?
839
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:01,391
The what? That big machine
that cleans the ice, you know?
840
00:46:01,392 --> 00:46:03,527
It's quite an honor.
841
00:46:04,729 --> 00:46:06,464
Will you go with me?
842
00:46:13,738 --> 00:46:16,339
See, look, I know
this is weird, shari,
843
00:46:16,340 --> 00:46:18,642
but--
844
00:46:18,643 --> 00:46:22,245
I don't want to wait. I don't.
845
00:46:22,246 --> 00:46:25,249
I really think we might
have something here.
846
00:46:26,250 --> 00:46:28,252
Don't you?
847
00:46:34,659 --> 00:46:37,995
Oh, these are for you.
Thank you.
848
00:46:40,164 --> 00:46:42,165
So will you be my zamboni date?
849
00:46:42,166 --> 00:46:44,335
Huh?
850
00:46:45,236 --> 00:46:47,672
Yes. All right.
851
00:46:49,407 --> 00:46:51,542
Yes!
852
00:46:53,210 --> 00:46:58,148
Cynthia, this is great. This is
exploitable! This is perfect.
853
00:46:58,149 --> 00:46:59,999
Yeah, well.
854
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:00,500
Yeah, well.
855
00:47:02,987 --> 00:47:07,223
Ladies and gentlemen,
ed pekurny!
856
00:47:07,224 --> 00:47:09,326
Whoo!
857
00:47:09,327 --> 00:47:11,594
Whoo!
858
00:47:11,595 --> 00:47:14,164
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
859
00:47:14,165 --> 00:47:17,967
Where's my girl? Where's my girl?
There she is!
860
00:47:17,968 --> 00:47:19,970
Shari!
861
00:47:23,974 --> 00:47:26,476
Let's go, ed! Let's go, ed!
862
00:47:26,477 --> 00:47:28,178
Let's go, ed!
863
00:47:28,179 --> 00:47:29,999
♪
864
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:31,582
♪
865
00:47:36,721 --> 00:47:38,655
♪ There are girls ♪
866
00:47:38,656 --> 00:47:41,358
♪ Just ripe for some kissin' ♪
867
00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:43,193
♪ And I mean ♪
868
00:47:43,194 --> 00:47:45,729
♪ To kiss me a few ♪
869
00:47:45,730 --> 00:47:50,166
♪ Man, those chicks don't know
what they're missing ♪
870
00:47:50,167 --> 00:47:52,602
- Ow! Don't kick me in the shin.
- Don't make fun of him!
871
00:47:52,603 --> 00:47:54,971
♪ I got some living to do ♪
872
00:47:54,972 --> 00:47:58,341
♪ Sizzlin' steaks all ready ♪
873
00:47:58,342 --> 00:47:59,999
♪ for tastin' ♪
874
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:00,177
♪ for tastin' ♪
875
00:48:00,178 --> 00:48:04,647
♪ and those Cadillacs
all shiny and new ♪
876
00:48:04,648 --> 00:48:06,483
♪ gotta move ♪
877
00:48:06,484 --> 00:48:09,153
Oh, my god, ed, look!
878
00:48:11,455 --> 00:48:13,723
♪ Got a lot of living to do ♪
879
00:48:13,724 --> 00:48:15,658
♪
880
00:48:15,659 --> 00:48:17,727
Hey, it's ed! Hey, it's ed!
881
00:48:17,728 --> 00:48:20,296
Yeah! It's ed! All right!
882
00:48:20,297 --> 00:48:23,032
Good evening, Ken.
How's it goin'?
883
00:48:23,033 --> 00:48:27,971
How's it goin'? The girl I'm seeing
is dancing with that guy right there.
884
00:48:27,972 --> 00:48:29,739
Good night.
885
00:48:29,740 --> 00:48:30,000
Oh, my god, it's ed!
886
00:48:30,001 --> 00:48:32,709
Oh, my god, it's ed!
887
00:48:32,710 --> 00:48:35,345
- Eddie!
- You're the man, ed!
888
00:48:35,346 --> 00:48:37,647
My man ed! Ed!
889
00:48:37,648 --> 00:48:40,016
Look at this. How cool is this?
890
00:48:40,017 --> 00:48:43,987
He's a beatle. Well, he's not a
beatle, but he's a spice girl,
891
00:48:43,988 --> 00:48:45,756
or a beanie baby.
892
00:48:47,124 --> 00:48:48,992
He's menudo!
893
00:48:48,993 --> 00:48:52,228
Hey, shari, lucky lady!
I want to be on TV with you.
894
00:48:52,229 --> 00:48:54,731
Look over there at that monitor.
895
00:48:54,732 --> 00:48:58,034
- Stop it!
- Who do you think you are? Just take a picture.
896
00:48:58,035 --> 00:48:59,999
- Stop it!
- It's not fair!
897
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:00,004
- Stop it!
- It's not fair!
898
00:49:00,005 --> 00:49:02,972
Shari!
899
00:49:02,973 --> 00:49:05,643
Move! Move! Get out of the goddamn way!
Come here! Come here!
900
00:49:06,510 --> 00:49:08,511
Shari!
901
00:49:08,512 --> 00:49:11,414
Hold on. I got you. Back off!
902
00:49:11,415 --> 00:49:13,984
I got you. Back, back!
903
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:17,520
You okay, baby?
904
00:49:17,521 --> 00:49:19,756
♪
905
00:49:19,757 --> 00:49:23,694
Okay, we're gonna take
a break now. Just take five.
906
00:49:27,565 --> 00:49:29,999
Are you okay?
907
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:30,267
Are you okay?
908
00:49:30,268 --> 00:49:32,535
Oh, wow. You went down.
909
00:49:32,536 --> 00:49:34,704
I lost an earring.
910
00:49:34,705 --> 00:49:38,007
You think you can go out
and get it?
911
00:49:38,008 --> 00:49:40,478
Yeah, I'll get it.
No, I'm just kidding.
912
00:49:42,146 --> 00:49:46,015
You're kiddin'? Just kidding.
Would you really do that?
913
00:49:46,016 --> 00:49:50,720
Yeah, I'd do that. I mean, if
you wanted your-- your earring.
914
00:49:50,721 --> 00:49:54,758
♪ I didn't wanna make a scene ♪
915
00:49:56,627 --> 00:49:59,999
♪ but you were there ♪
916
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:00,880
♪ but you were there ♪
917
00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:04,067
♪ I saw you slip away ♪
918
00:50:04,068 --> 00:50:07,438
♪ you were everything good
to me ♪
919
00:50:11,141 --> 00:50:14,077
♪ I saw you slip away ♪
920
00:50:14,078 --> 00:50:18,014
♪ you were everything good
to me ♪
921
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:21,317
Oh, wow, that's
the new camera truck, huh?
922
00:50:21,318 --> 00:50:24,053
Look at my enormous head.
923
00:50:24,054 --> 00:50:27,323
Anyway, Cynthia,
last night, that was scary.
924
00:50:27,324 --> 00:50:29,999
Don't worry about that. That won't happen
again. We're getting you security.
925
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:30,693
Don't worry about that. That won't happen
again. We're getting you security.
926
00:50:30,694 --> 00:50:33,630
Good. I have some news for you.
927
00:50:33,631 --> 00:50:39,068
What's that? We're picking
up ed TV for another month.
928
00:50:39,069 --> 00:50:40,970
Whoa. S-say that again.
929
00:50:40,971 --> 00:50:43,006
We're picking you up
for another month.
930
00:50:43,007 --> 00:50:46,209
That means a balloon payment
and a big raise next month.
931
00:50:46,210 --> 00:50:49,312
Are you-- are you tellin' me th-that
balloon payment, I'm gonna get that?
932
00:50:49,313 --> 00:50:51,114
Yeah.
933
00:50:51,115 --> 00:50:53,150
Oh!
934
00:50:54,184 --> 00:50:58,221
Here we go.
935
00:50:58,222 --> 00:50:59,999
Thank you! Oh, man,
this is so incredible!
936
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:01,057
Thank you! Oh, man,
this is so incredible!
937
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:03,159
This is amazing!
938
00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:06,396
Yes! Another month
and a balloon payment!
939
00:51:06,397 --> 00:51:08,364
Ray-- ray, if you're watching--
940
00:51:08,365 --> 00:51:10,600
Who the hell'd be watching this.
Did you hear this?
941
00:51:10,601 --> 00:51:15,038
I got the payment, buddy. This money
is for you! To pay back that loan!
942
00:51:15,039 --> 00:51:17,240
It's for you, brother! Come on.
943
00:51:17,241 --> 00:51:20,176
What do we do when we're happy?
Chicken dance, baby.
944
00:51:20,177 --> 00:51:21,512
The chicken dance! Huh?
945
00:51:23,213 --> 00:51:26,182
I know you're doin' it
wherever you are, brother.
946
00:51:26,183 --> 00:51:28,251
If I was doin' it,
I wouldn't do it like that.
947
00:51:28,252 --> 00:51:29,999
♪ I'm on for another month ♪
948
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:31,121
♪ I'm on for another month ♪
949
00:51:34,158 --> 00:51:36,260
♪ grinnin' at his gun ♪
950
00:51:38,495 --> 00:51:41,265
♪ fingers start shakin' ♪
951
00:51:42,700 --> 00:51:45,335
♪ I begin to run ♪
everybody back up.
952
00:51:45,336 --> 00:51:47,470
Please. Please.
953
00:51:47,471 --> 00:51:50,540
♪ Thank you for lettin' me
be myself ♪
954
00:51:50,541 --> 00:51:53,076
Please, clear a path to the car.
955
00:51:53,077 --> 00:51:54,712
Let's go. Let's go.
956
00:51:56,513 --> 00:51:59,999
♪ Thank you for lettin' me
be myself again ♪
957
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:02,285
♪ thank you for lettin' me
be myself again ♪
958
00:52:02,286 --> 00:52:06,022
Four weeks ago, no one in America
had ever heard of ed pekurny.
959
00:52:06,023 --> 00:52:08,491
Today this 31-year-old
video store clerk...
960
00:52:08,492 --> 00:52:13,162
Has become something of an American
icon, a national obsession.
961
00:52:13,163 --> 00:52:15,531
Honestly?
962
00:52:15,532 --> 00:52:21,304
I try not to go to the bathroom until ed goes
to the bathroom so I don't miss anything.
963
00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:23,106
I-I don't know.
964
00:52:23,107 --> 00:52:26,542
- The idea just, uh, came to me.
- Sure. It came to you because I brought it to you.
965
00:52:26,543 --> 00:52:29,999
I'm not a-- I'm not a guy who works
by committee. I'm a one-man show.
966
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:30,513
I'm not a-- I'm not a guy who works
by committee. I'm a one-man show.
967
00:52:30,514 --> 00:52:32,715
What do you guys
think about shari?
968
00:52:32,716 --> 00:52:34,651
She's needy! I don't like her.
969
00:52:34,652 --> 00:52:37,420
She's too tall.
It's, like, abnormal.
970
00:52:37,421 --> 00:52:41,357
Yeah. She creeps me out. She's
always, "get away! Get away!"
971
00:52:41,358 --> 00:52:43,393
I mean,
who does she think she is?
972
00:52:43,394 --> 00:52:45,528
I know! And she's so bony!
973
00:52:45,529 --> 00:52:48,998
Like to me, this shari's
like nothing, right?
974
00:52:48,999 --> 00:52:52,268
She's not even hot.
I mean, Ed's a celebrity.
975
00:52:52,269 --> 00:52:54,570
If that was me,
I'd be dating the goods.
976
00:52:54,571 --> 00:52:58,241
There's like something wrong with her.
She's definitely not hot.
977
00:52:58,242 --> 00:52:59,999
Not hot, not hot. No way.
978
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:00,210
Not hot, not hot. No way.
979
00:53:00,211 --> 00:53:02,312
She is a heat-free being.
980
00:53:03,580 --> 00:53:06,382
Hello? Hi. Here you go.
981
00:53:06,383 --> 00:53:08,484
Hi. I've been waiting
for this. Thank you.
982
00:53:08,485 --> 00:53:11,320
Y'all watching ed TV, right?
Sign right here, please.
983
00:53:11,321 --> 00:53:15,658
What's up with shari? Ed's girlfriend,
shari? What is up with that bitch?
984
00:53:15,659 --> 00:53:18,294
Ed, honey, look.
985
00:53:18,295 --> 00:53:22,165
When you get tired
of that skanky ho,
986
00:53:22,166 --> 00:53:24,234
come see me, baby.
987
00:53:30,307 --> 00:53:33,277
♪
988
00:53:35,713 --> 00:53:37,680
Check out the moves!
989
00:53:37,681 --> 00:53:39,615
Watch this one.
990
00:53:39,616 --> 00:53:42,652
♪ Oh, she's down.
991
00:53:42,653 --> 00:53:44,687
Get outta here.
992
00:53:44,688 --> 00:53:45,988
Shari!
993
00:53:45,989 --> 00:53:48,024
Whoo!
994
00:53:48,025 --> 00:53:49,759
Hi.
995
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:53,396
Come pile on!
Set down the groceries.
996
00:53:53,397 --> 00:53:55,631
Whoo-hah!
997
00:53:55,632 --> 00:53:57,967
Come here!
998
00:53:57,968 --> 00:53:59,999
Where're you goin', baby?
999
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:01,000
Where're you goin', baby?
1000
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:05,108
No, we're not gonna
do it today, shari.
1001
00:54:05,109 --> 00:54:08,044
I'm gonna go get ready. Baby!
1002
00:54:08,045 --> 00:54:10,146
Hey, is everything all right?
1003
00:54:10,147 --> 00:54:13,216
My truck broke down,
and I got stuck in the rain.
1004
00:54:13,217 --> 00:54:17,086
I called the company,
and no one came to get me.
1005
00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:18,988
- Rita!
- Just a second.
1006
00:54:18,989 --> 00:54:24,393
Don't they give you a hat? Oh, some
dorky kid stole it as a souvenir.
1007
00:54:24,394 --> 00:54:26,729
That sucks.
1008
00:54:26,730 --> 00:54:28,531
I'm kinda glad he did, shari,
1009
00:54:28,532 --> 00:54:29,999
'cause, goddamn, you look sexy.
1010
00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:31,240
'Cause, goddamn, you look sexy.
1011
00:54:33,570 --> 00:54:36,640
Ed, I don't wanna be
on television anymore.
1012
00:54:39,676 --> 00:54:42,011
Shari, h-how is that gonna work?
1013
00:54:42,012 --> 00:54:44,114
I have been trying. Okay?
1014
00:54:48,218 --> 00:54:51,588
But maybe we should just
hold off on seeing each other...
1015
00:54:53,223 --> 00:54:56,660
Until you are done
with all of this.
1016
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:02,632
You're outta there, baby!
All right? Yeah!
1017
00:55:02,633 --> 00:55:05,034
I knew it was gonna happen!
I told you!
1018
00:55:05,035 --> 00:55:08,171
That's a little extreme, isn't it?
I can't take it anymore.
1019
00:55:08,172 --> 00:55:12,308
- I have no privacy.
- Oh, boo-hoo.
1020
00:55:12,309 --> 00:55:15,745
Even now I'm crying, and I can't
stop, and they won't leave.
1021
00:55:15,746 --> 00:55:18,014
And now it's gonna be
another month!
1022
00:55:18,015 --> 00:55:21,517
And everybody hates me. Nobody
hates you, baby. Why are you--
1023
00:55:21,518 --> 00:55:23,753
Who hates you? A poll, ed!
1024
00:55:23,754 --> 00:55:27,356
"Is shari good enough for ed?"
1025
00:55:27,357 --> 00:55:29,999
Seventy-one percent
of the people said no.
1026
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:30,160
Seventy-one percent
of the people said no.
1027
00:55:30,161 --> 00:55:32,728
Well, who cares what they say?
I don't care.
1028
00:55:32,729 --> 00:55:36,532
No, I do care. You know what?
Shame on everybody!
1029
00:55:36,533 --> 00:55:39,635
She's cryin' over here,
and it's all your fault.
1030
00:55:39,636 --> 00:55:43,239
At least the 71% of you.
The other--
1031
00:55:43,240 --> 00:55:47,443
- Twenty-nine.
- Twenty-nine percent.
1032
00:55:47,444 --> 00:55:51,214
You're smart!
See? Isn't she smart?
1033
00:55:51,215 --> 00:55:53,683
God, she's sexy with the
wet hair and everything.
1034
00:55:53,684 --> 00:55:55,985
And she's funny.
1035
00:55:55,986 --> 00:55:59,999
She-- she's really funny too.
She really is!
1036
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:00,357
She-- she's really funny too.
She really is!
1037
00:56:00,358 --> 00:56:05,595
Oh! Shari, do that-- that love coroner
skit you did at the pool hall.
1038
00:56:05,596 --> 00:56:10,032
It's so great. It's great.
Okay. Okay, baby? Set?
1039
00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:12,034
Back up, get a wide shot
of this, okay.
1040
00:56:12,035 --> 00:56:14,103
All right, baby, remember--
Whoo-whoo-whoo.
1041
00:56:14,104 --> 00:56:17,139
That's the punch line, all right?
You got a whole runway.
1042
00:56:17,140 --> 00:56:20,477
Are you set to pop? Ones and
twos and-- look right here.
1043
00:56:25,482 --> 00:56:29,452
What... are you doing?
1044
00:56:29,453 --> 00:56:29,999
Do the thing.
Do the skit, you know.
1045
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:31,721
Do the thing.
Do the skit, you know.
1046
00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:35,325
You want me to entertain
your audience?
1047
00:56:37,995 --> 00:56:40,529
What is this, ed? An audition
to be your girlfriend...
1048
00:56:40,530 --> 00:56:43,766
Because I'm not good enough
for you?
1049
00:56:43,767 --> 00:56:48,037
No! Shari, that's not it!
Come on, shari!
1050
00:56:48,038 --> 00:56:52,409
Psycho chick. Yup, damaged goods, bro.
Do not accept, man.
1051
00:56:53,610 --> 00:56:55,745
Man, this is stupid.
"Is shari good enough for ed?"
1052
00:56:55,746 --> 00:56:59,148
Who the hell am I, huh? Who do
you think I should be dating?
1053
00:56:59,149 --> 00:56:59,999
There's a list!
1054
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:01,184
There's a list!
1055
00:57:02,519 --> 00:57:04,187
Really?
1056
00:57:15,399 --> 00:57:17,067
Ed?
1057
00:57:20,370 --> 00:57:24,373
Goddamn.
1058
00:57:24,374 --> 00:57:27,177
You gonna be showing up on the
history channel? What's happening?
1059
00:57:28,345 --> 00:57:29,999
Well, no, we're on hold.
On hold?
1060
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:30,980
Well, no, we're on hold.
On hold?
1061
00:57:30,981 --> 00:57:33,649
What, is she a phone call? Is
she listening to yanni music?
1062
00:57:33,650 --> 00:57:36,652
You're gonna get back to her?
Who puts a woman on hold?
1063
00:57:36,653 --> 00:57:40,456
We're gonna wait till this is over,
and then we're gonna pick it back up.
1064
00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:44,327
I guess
this is the famous Carlos...
1065
00:57:44,328 --> 00:57:46,430
Who follows you everywhere?
1066
00:57:52,669 --> 00:57:54,503
Aiyee!
1067
00:57:54,504 --> 00:57:58,374
I want to ask you about-- what
is this chicken dance thing?
1068
00:57:58,375 --> 00:57:59,999
Y'all know the chicken dance?
1069
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:02,178
Y'all know the chicken dance?
1070
00:58:02,179 --> 00:58:04,380
Okay, so let's do it!
1071
00:58:04,381 --> 00:58:05,681
♪
1072
00:58:05,682 --> 00:58:07,350
Have I got it?
Is this how you do it?
1073
00:58:07,351 --> 00:58:11,454
- No, you gotta get your foot out.
- This is a lot of fun.
1074
00:58:11,455 --> 00:58:15,292
Ed pekurny! We'll be
right back after this.
1075
00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:21,197
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Hey,
can I have another hat for my dad?
1076
00:58:21,198 --> 00:58:23,566
Ed, I got your car ready right here.
Cool.
1077
00:58:23,567 --> 00:58:26,669
Can you get us sodas for the ride to
the airport? Yeah. Coke or Pepsi?
1078
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:29,999
Uh, Pepsi. Can I talk to
you for a second, man?
1079
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:30,040
Uh, Pepsi. Can I talk to
you for a second, man?
1080
00:58:30,041 --> 00:58:32,475
Yeah. What's up?
My name is Shane.
1081
00:58:32,476 --> 00:58:35,411
Hey, Shane. How you doin'? What's
this, man? This is a tape of my band.
1082
00:58:35,412 --> 00:58:39,682
I thought maybe you could
play it on your show.
1083
00:58:39,683 --> 00:58:42,986
Oh, man, come on. One
of the guys is blind.
1084
00:58:45,122 --> 00:58:48,324
All right,
I'll give it a listen.
1085
00:58:48,325 --> 00:58:51,027
The name of the band is
"not all of us can see."
1086
00:58:51,028 --> 00:58:53,029
Really terrific name.
"Not all of us can see."
1087
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:56,465
"Not all of you can see."
What the hell is that?
1088
00:58:56,466 --> 00:58:59,999
For the love of
sweet Jesus Christ.
1089
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:00,703
For the love of
sweet Jesus Christ.
1090
00:59:00,704 --> 00:59:02,305
Really.
1091
00:59:08,345 --> 00:59:10,246
Hi. Hi.
1092
00:59:10,247 --> 00:59:13,349
Um, I wanted to say
I really love your show.
1093
00:59:13,350 --> 00:59:15,418
I think you're great.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
1094
00:59:15,419 --> 00:59:18,254
That's a really cool thing
to say. I'm ed.
1095
00:59:18,255 --> 00:59:20,724
And you must be... John?
1096
00:59:22,359 --> 00:59:25,161
I-- I'm trying to remember. I--
1097
00:59:25,162 --> 00:59:29,999
Oh, yes. Well, I'm Jill. I'm
from San Francisco too.
1098
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:30,033
Oh, yes. Well, I'm Jill. I'm
from San Francisco too.
1099
00:59:30,034 --> 00:59:34,404
Right. The bay area, yeah?
I can tell by the accent.
1100
00:59:37,507 --> 00:59:40,609
Ta, ta, ta, ta. Ya, ya, ya.
1101
00:59:40,610 --> 00:59:44,080
Ya, ya, ya. Uh,
I'm just joshin'.
1102
00:59:44,081 --> 00:59:46,182
So, wh-- what are you
doing here?
1103
00:59:46,183 --> 00:59:49,585
I just flew down
to audition for a skit.
1104
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:52,354
All right.
1105
00:59:52,355 --> 00:59:56,258
I'm a model and sort of
an actress, so, um--
1106
00:59:56,259 --> 00:59:59,999
Um, oh-- so really,
it was nice meeting you.
1107
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:00,763
Um, oh-- so really,
it was nice meeting you.
1108
01:00:00,764 --> 01:00:04,633
Oh, yeah. No, you too.
Um-- yeah.
1109
01:00:04,634 --> 01:00:09,238
They were supposed to send a car to
take me to the airport, but, um--
1110
01:00:09,239 --> 01:00:11,607
I'll tell you what. We gotta--
1111
01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:14,343
We're going to the airport right now.
We got a limo outside.
1112
01:00:14,344 --> 01:00:16,378
Why don't you just ride with us?
1113
01:00:16,379 --> 01:00:18,981
Oh. Yeah. That'd be great.
1114
01:00:18,982 --> 01:00:21,217
Thanks. You're welcome.
1115
01:00:21,218 --> 01:00:24,020
All right.
1116
01:00:26,723 --> 01:00:28,592
♪ But that's life ♪
1117
01:00:32,095 --> 01:00:34,096
♪ what the people say ♪
1118
01:00:34,097 --> 01:00:36,665
Excuse me. Comin' through.
1119
01:00:36,666 --> 01:00:39,034
♪ We're ridin' high in April ♪
1120
01:00:39,035 --> 01:00:40,536
Take all you want. It's free.
1121
01:00:40,537 --> 01:00:43,139
♪ Shot down in may ♪
1122
01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:45,274
♪ Tawny.
1123
01:00:45,275 --> 01:00:48,344
Huh. Hey, Carlos.
1124
01:00:48,345 --> 01:00:51,247
These go in
the nude picture pile.
1125
01:00:51,248 --> 01:00:53,350
What do we got here?
1126
01:00:55,519 --> 01:00:57,586
Oh, this is cute.
1127
01:00:57,587 --> 01:00:59,999
This goes in
the psychopath pile.
1128
01:01:00,000 --> 01:01:00,090
This goes in
the psychopath pile.
1129
01:01:00,091 --> 01:01:02,591
Oh.
1130
01:01:02,592 --> 01:01:05,561
Hope it's not this guy.
1131
01:01:05,562 --> 01:01:07,263
Be right there!
1132
01:01:07,264 --> 01:01:10,399
Hello. Hey, moe.
What's goin' on?
1133
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:14,036
Hey, ed, this guy
says he knows you.
1134
01:01:14,037 --> 01:01:15,538
Hey. Hey.
1135
01:01:15,539 --> 01:01:18,375
How you doin'?
1136
01:01:22,546 --> 01:01:24,714
You don't recognize me?
1137
01:01:26,082 --> 01:01:27,349
Dad?
1138
01:01:27,350 --> 01:01:29,999
Yeah. Yeah.
1139
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:30,500
Yeah. Yeah.
1140
01:01:32,689 --> 01:01:36,458
Did you do this? Did you find
him and tell him-- no. No way.
1141
01:01:36,459 --> 01:01:39,228
Hey, come on--
Come on in.
1142
01:01:39,229 --> 01:01:41,497
Well, yeah, okay.
1143
01:01:41,498 --> 01:01:43,132
- Goddamn.
- Everybody, this is Hank.
1144
01:01:43,133 --> 01:01:47,136
He's, uh, my dad. Oh, this just
keeps getting better, doesn't it?
1145
01:01:47,137 --> 01:01:50,706
What you're sayin', ma, is that everything
he told me yesterday was a lie.
1146
01:01:50,707 --> 01:01:53,510
Yes... practically.
1147
01:01:56,346 --> 01:01:58,414
What do you mean,
"practically," ma?
1148
01:01:58,415 --> 01:01:59,999
Either you threw him out or he ran away.
Which one is it?
1149
01:02:00,000 --> 01:02:01,350
Either you threw him out or he ran away.
Which one is it?
1150
01:02:01,351 --> 01:02:03,285
I need to replace the coil.
1151
01:02:03,286 --> 01:02:06,021
He ran away
after I threw him out.
1152
01:02:06,022 --> 01:02:08,691
How much is one of those new coils?
150 bucks.
1153
01:02:08,692 --> 01:02:11,193
So he was telling the truth.
Should I go ahead?
1154
01:02:11,194 --> 01:02:14,196
- Yes.
- Yes to me, or yes to the coil, mom?
1155
01:02:14,197 --> 01:02:17,399
Both. Oh, shit.
1156
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:19,368
Eddie, look, he had girlfriends.
1157
01:02:19,369 --> 01:02:21,303
He told me he had this one girl.
1158
01:02:21,304 --> 01:02:25,207
I don't care what he told you. I really do not
need to relive this on national television.
1159
01:02:25,208 --> 01:02:27,476
- I am your mother.
- Yes, you are my mother.
1160
01:02:27,477 --> 01:02:29,999
You do not have to humiliate me like this!
I'm not trying to humiliate you.
1161
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:30,146
You do not have to humiliate me like this!
I'm not trying to humiliate you.
1162
01:02:30,147 --> 01:02:32,514
I don't need this! Go away!
1163
01:02:32,515 --> 01:02:34,049
Eddie?
1164
01:02:34,050 --> 01:02:36,418
Make this one out
to Dr. rumpley.
1165
01:02:36,419 --> 01:02:39,221
Maybe the son of a bitch won't
keep me waiting for an hour.
1166
01:02:39,222 --> 01:02:41,590
Damn urologists think
they run the world.
1167
01:02:41,591 --> 01:02:44,560
She does this every time.
1168
01:02:44,561 --> 01:02:48,130
- All right, do you want to know the truth?
- Yeah.
1169
01:02:48,131 --> 01:02:52,501
I took you, ray and marcia to my
sister's on the train for the weekend.
1170
01:02:52,502 --> 01:02:56,672
You all came down with chicken pox,
so I took you home a day early.
1171
01:02:56,673 --> 01:02:59,999
And I walked in,
and there was your father...
1172
01:03:00,000 --> 01:03:00,277
And I walked in,
and there was your father...
1173
01:03:00,278 --> 01:03:03,078
With another woman
in our bed, okay?
1174
01:03:03,079 --> 01:03:06,682
Chicken pox. Ma, I was six
when I had chicken pox.
1175
01:03:06,683 --> 01:03:09,752
And dad didn't leave
until I was 12.
1176
01:03:09,753 --> 01:03:13,188
- Well, he apologized.
- - what do you mean, he apologized, mom?
1177
01:03:13,189 --> 01:03:16,659
He begged me. He got down on
his knees and he begged me.
1178
01:03:16,660 --> 01:03:19,561
But, mom, you told me
that you had a hysterectomy...
1179
01:03:19,562 --> 01:03:22,165
And that he ran off
with your nurse.
1180
01:03:23,700 --> 01:03:25,267
She could've been a nurse.
1181
01:03:25,268 --> 01:03:28,437
- What do you mean, could've been a nurse?
- She had white shoes.
1182
01:03:28,438 --> 01:03:29,999
So does grandma!
So does Shaquille O'neal!
1183
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:32,108
So does grandma!
So does Shaquille O'neal!
1184
01:03:33,643 --> 01:03:35,277
- That's good.
- What's the difference?
1185
01:03:35,278 --> 01:03:38,414
Mom, the difference is that for 20
years I've been thinking one thing,
1186
01:03:38,415 --> 01:03:41,550
and now it's turned out
to be a whole different thing!
1187
01:03:41,551 --> 01:03:43,352
Eddie.
1188
01:03:43,353 --> 01:03:46,622
He was no good to me. Don't
you remember the way it was?
1189
01:03:46,623 --> 01:03:50,059
Don't you remember the way
he used to scream at me?
1190
01:03:50,060 --> 01:03:52,695
And then no job was ever
good enough for him.
1191
01:03:52,696 --> 01:03:56,633
"Small potatoes." Small potatoes!
You remember, al?
1192
01:04:00,303 --> 01:04:01,671
Al?
1193
01:04:08,211 --> 01:04:09,578
Mom,
1194
01:04:09,579 --> 01:04:13,717
you told me you didn't know al
until after dad left.
1195
01:04:18,388 --> 01:04:19,756
Holy shit.
1196
01:04:22,125 --> 01:04:24,027
You and al were--
1197
01:04:25,495 --> 01:04:29,365
And that's why you threw dad out.
There it is!
1198
01:04:29,366 --> 01:04:29,999
Finally the truth after
20 goddamn years, mom?
1199
01:04:30,000 --> 01:04:32,434
Finally the truth after
20 goddamn years, mom?
1200
01:04:32,435 --> 01:04:35,304
He had another woman
in my bed, Eddie!
1201
01:04:35,305 --> 01:04:38,707
And how dare you call him
"dad" in front of al.
1202
01:04:38,708 --> 01:04:40,342
Al is your father.
1203
01:04:40,343 --> 01:04:43,445
This is the one who was there for
you when you really needed someone.
1204
01:04:43,446 --> 01:04:47,049
Ow! You're hurting me.
1205
01:04:47,050 --> 01:04:49,151
Oh, Jeanette.
1206
01:04:49,152 --> 01:04:51,354
Oh, mom.
1207
01:04:53,356 --> 01:04:56,226
Don't blame your mother.
I was irresistible.
1208
01:05:08,304 --> 01:05:10,205
Well, come on in.
1209
01:05:10,206 --> 01:05:12,307
How are you doin'?
1210
01:05:12,308 --> 01:05:15,711
All right. All right. Well--
1211
01:05:15,712 --> 01:05:19,482
You? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm-- I'm doing fine.
1212
01:05:20,984 --> 01:05:23,185
I guess you came up here...
1213
01:05:23,186 --> 01:05:25,355
To check on
your inheritance, did ya?
1214
01:05:28,158 --> 01:05:29,999
Come right over here.
You sit right down there.
1215
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:31,527
Come right over here.
You sit right down there.
1216
01:05:31,528 --> 01:05:33,395
There you go.
1217
01:05:33,396 --> 01:05:35,331
Thank you. Yeah.
1218
01:05:36,599 --> 01:05:40,737
This is, uh, quite
a shithole, ain't it?
1219
01:05:42,105 --> 01:05:44,974
Well, it could be...
If you fixed it up.
1220
01:05:46,976 --> 01:05:50,179
Jeanette, you better take
a look at this. Coming.
1221
01:05:50,180 --> 01:05:52,014
Oh, boy.
1222
01:05:52,015 --> 01:05:56,285
You know, it is really nice
of you to come up here.
1223
01:05:56,286 --> 01:05:59,999
A million times I wanted to
see you kids, but, uh, well--
1224
01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:00,290
A million times I wanted to
see you kids, but, uh, well--
1225
01:06:00,291 --> 01:06:04,593
I mean, your mom,
she told me to stay away.
1226
01:06:04,594 --> 01:06:07,497
And I had to respect her wishes.
1227
01:06:09,632 --> 01:06:13,169
Can I ask you somethin'?
Anything.
1228
01:06:17,440 --> 01:06:19,275
What happened, pop? I mean--
1229
01:06:21,277 --> 01:06:23,745
How'd you end up like this?
1230
01:06:23,746 --> 01:06:26,148
You know, life is funny.
That's all.
1231
01:06:26,149 --> 01:06:29,084
I can't tell you
how many times if...
1232
01:06:29,085 --> 01:06:29,999
Just one little thing that I
needed would've happened,
1233
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:32,020
just one little thing that I
needed would've happened,
1234
01:06:32,021 --> 01:06:33,555
why, everything
would've changed,
1235
01:06:33,556 --> 01:06:35,424
I'll tell you that.
1236
01:06:35,425 --> 01:06:38,227
But I don't make excuses.
1237
01:06:38,228 --> 01:06:40,028
And I don't hold grudges.
1238
01:06:40,029 --> 01:06:42,699
You and me, we had some good
times together, didn't we? Huh?
1239
01:06:45,268 --> 01:06:49,638
Remember the time we drove down
to Houston for the weekend,
1240
01:06:49,639 --> 01:06:52,374
and we saw the astros
and the Dodgers play?
1241
01:06:52,375 --> 01:06:55,677
We stayed in a motel.
It was just you and me.
1242
01:06:55,678 --> 01:06:59,114
You hopped from bed to bed.
1243
01:06:59,115 --> 01:06:59,999
Hell, I remember that
just like it was yesterday.
1244
01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:02,417
Hell, I remember that
just like it was yesterday.
1245
01:07:02,418 --> 01:07:06,422
I remember everything you
said and everything you did.
1246
01:07:07,757 --> 01:07:10,426
- That was ray, pop.
- Hmm?
1247
01:07:11,661 --> 01:07:14,630
You took ray to Houston.
That wasn't me.
1248
01:07:14,631 --> 01:07:17,333
I had to stay home...
With mom and marcia.
1249
01:07:21,070 --> 01:07:23,238
That's right. Ray.
1250
01:07:23,239 --> 01:07:25,507
Ray was the older one.
1251
01:07:25,508 --> 01:07:27,677
Still is.
1252
01:07:30,380 --> 01:07:31,981
Yeah.
1253
01:07:34,484 --> 01:07:38,120
Well, isn't that something?
1254
01:07:38,121 --> 01:07:40,422
Damn the mind!
1255
01:07:40,423 --> 01:07:42,257
You know, I gotta go, pop.
1256
01:07:42,258 --> 01:07:46,095
I got a thing across town I gotta get to.
Sure, son, sure. Sure.
1257
01:07:50,633 --> 01:07:53,135
You know what? All right.
1258
01:07:53,136 --> 01:07:55,704
Listen up. This is my pop.
All right?
1259
01:07:55,705 --> 01:07:58,307
If there's anybody out there
that can help him out--
1260
01:07:58,308 --> 01:07:59,999
Get him a job or something--
1261
01:08:00,000 --> 01:08:00,609
Get him a job or something--
1262
01:08:00,610 --> 01:08:02,277
I drove a limo for a while.
1263
01:08:02,278 --> 01:08:05,113
I'll help you out. I'll mention
your business on the air--
1264
01:08:05,114 --> 01:08:06,982
I don't have a valid
license right now.
1265
01:08:06,983 --> 01:08:10,353
We'll figure something out,
all right?
1266
01:08:12,455 --> 01:08:14,157
All right. Ed.
1267
01:08:15,525 --> 01:08:17,060
Yeah.
1268
01:08:18,461 --> 01:08:20,530
I am truly sorry.
1269
01:08:28,504 --> 01:08:29,999
That's good, pop. Sorry's good.
1270
01:08:30,000 --> 01:08:31,374
That's good, pop. Sorry's good.
1271
01:09:21,190 --> 01:09:24,326
As soon as we're perpendicular to the
earth, I'll start the engines again.
1272
01:09:24,327 --> 01:09:27,530
What about the disk?
1273
01:09:33,569 --> 01:09:36,372
Oh, god. Boy, oh, boy.
1274
01:09:47,016 --> 01:09:48,985
Hi. Hey.
1275
01:09:52,088 --> 01:09:54,323
They're not here. How's that?
1276
01:09:55,591 --> 01:09:57,160
I snuck out.
1277
01:10:01,064 --> 01:10:03,166
Do you wanna take a drive?
1278
01:10:04,500 --> 01:10:05,701
Sure. Okay.
1279
01:10:05,702 --> 01:10:08,637
Now pop's hustling me for a job.
1280
01:10:08,638 --> 01:10:13,208
It's like my entire family, shari. It's
like they're from their own little galaxy.
1281
01:10:13,209 --> 01:10:16,044
Every family's crazy.
1282
01:10:16,045 --> 01:10:18,613
Yeah, but my--
No, I mean,
1283
01:10:18,614 --> 01:10:22,085
if it was my family on TV,
1284
01:10:23,152 --> 01:10:26,456
oh, my god, I'd just
have to kill myself!
1285
01:10:30,126 --> 01:10:31,760
♪ If you fall ♪
1286
01:10:31,761 --> 01:10:35,530
♪ I'll pick you up ♪
1287
01:10:35,531 --> 01:10:37,566
♪ if you court ♪
1288
01:10:37,567 --> 01:10:39,435
♪ this disaster ♪
1289
01:10:41,104 --> 01:10:44,340
How about us? We're doing
all right, aren't we?
1290
01:10:46,576 --> 01:10:49,478
I saw that girl...
1291
01:10:49,479 --> 01:10:51,713
Come on to you
at the tonight show.
1292
01:10:51,714 --> 01:10:54,083
Wh-- what girl? That model.
1293
01:10:57,220 --> 01:10:59,999
Oh, wait a minute.
Shari, that was nothin'.
1294
01:11:00,000 --> 01:11:00,056
Oh, wait a minute.
Shari, that was nothin'.
1295
01:11:00,057 --> 01:11:03,358
Lookit, I was leaving, she
needed a ride to the airport,
1296
01:11:03,359 --> 01:11:05,361
so I offered her a r-- a ride.
1297
01:11:07,563 --> 01:11:09,766
Wait a minute. Hey, hey.
1298
01:11:11,634 --> 01:11:13,269
Hey.
1299
01:11:14,604 --> 01:11:18,640
I want you... shari.
1300
01:11:18,641 --> 01:11:21,978
I don't want anybody else.
1301
01:11:24,480 --> 01:11:25,647
Really?
1302
01:11:25,648 --> 01:11:27,216
Yeah.
1303
01:11:28,651 --> 01:11:29,999
It's you I want.
1304
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:30,619
It's you I want.
1305
01:11:30,620 --> 01:11:32,754
♪ We're here to play a game ♪
1306
01:11:32,755 --> 01:11:37,226
♪ of who loves more than who ♪
1307
01:11:39,095 --> 01:11:41,663
♪ if you call ♪
1308
01:11:41,664 --> 01:11:44,399
♪ I will answer ♪
1309
01:11:44,400 --> 01:11:46,401
♪ if you fall ♪
1310
01:11:46,402 --> 01:11:49,638
♪ I'll pick you up ♪
1311
01:11:49,639 --> 01:11:52,407
♪ if you court ♪
1312
01:11:52,408 --> 01:11:55,678
♪ this disaster ♪
1313
01:12:09,425 --> 01:12:12,427
Dude! Breasts!
1314
01:12:12,428 --> 01:12:14,462
Huh? Where?
1315
01:12:14,463 --> 01:12:17,265
Ed, help!
1316
01:12:17,266 --> 01:12:20,302
Come on, guys.
Don't, don't, don't.
1317
01:12:20,303 --> 01:12:21,971
Come on!
1318
01:12:24,307 --> 01:12:26,641
- She left?
- Yeah.
1319
01:12:26,642 --> 01:12:29,999
She asked for a transfer to
another city, and she left.
1320
01:12:30,000 --> 01:12:30,313
She asked for a transfer to
another city, and she left.
1321
01:12:30,314 --> 01:12:33,448
I mean, someone put her
breasts on the Internet.
1322
01:12:33,449 --> 01:12:36,051
Oh, Christ! She couldn't
take it anymore.
1323
01:12:36,052 --> 01:12:39,454
We have people living in our
hallway, going through our trash.
1324
01:12:39,455 --> 01:12:41,122
Reporters.
1325
01:12:41,123 --> 01:12:45,428
So, she-- not even good-bye.
Nothin'.
1326
01:12:47,163 --> 01:12:49,431
Boy, you know,
when it starts to go wrong,
1327
01:12:49,432 --> 01:12:52,133
there's nothing you can do
to stop it.
1328
01:12:52,134 --> 01:12:57,105
Because, Rita, I don't think
I could've tried any harder.
1329
01:12:57,106 --> 01:12:58,474
I don't.
1330
01:12:59,442 --> 01:12:59,999
Do you?
1331
01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:01,577
Do you?
1332
01:13:07,383 --> 01:13:10,285
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Huh?
1333
01:13:10,286 --> 01:13:12,655
You see? You see? See that?
1334
01:13:15,992 --> 01:13:18,127
Hi, ed.
1335
01:13:19,095 --> 01:13:21,162
Oh, honey, hi.
What are you doin'?
1336
01:13:21,163 --> 01:13:24,332
I know this might seem unusual.
How'd you get in my apartment?
1337
01:13:24,333 --> 01:13:26,735
I had to be stealthy
about the whole thing.
1338
01:13:26,736 --> 01:13:29,999
- What is she holding?
- Ed's underwear.
1339
01:13:30,000 --> 01:13:30,339
- What is she holding?
- Ed's underwear.
1340
01:13:30,340 --> 01:13:32,507
Get out of my house.
I can explain everything.
1341
01:13:32,508 --> 01:13:35,411
Just get! Keep my underwear!
I don't want it.
1342
01:13:36,679 --> 01:13:38,747
I love you, and I want
to marry you, ed.
1343
01:13:38,748 --> 01:13:43,152
Watch his face. See? Now,
that's television. Huh?
1344
01:13:44,987 --> 01:13:47,389
All right. Now what?
Where do we go from here?
1345
01:13:47,390 --> 01:13:49,524
Didn't we order lunch an hour ago?
Yes, Chinese.
1346
01:13:49,525 --> 01:13:53,628
Good, good. What do we have ed do next?
Springboards, ideas.
1347
01:13:53,629 --> 01:13:55,530
Notions! Cynthia?
1348
01:13:55,531 --> 01:13:57,732
We could help him find shari.
No, no, no, no, no.
1349
01:13:57,733 --> 01:13:59,999
Enough of her. I hate her.
Audiences hate her.
1350
01:14:00,000 --> 01:14:00,568
Enough of her. I hate her.
Audiences hate her.
1351
01:14:00,569 --> 01:14:03,438
Let's bury her and move on. Tell
him I'll call him back. Okay.
1352
01:14:03,439 --> 01:14:07,409
Excuse me. Do you know, the audience is
requesting a lot of that girl Jill...
1353
01:14:07,410 --> 01:14:09,244
That he met on the tonight show.
1354
01:14:09,245 --> 01:14:11,579
- She really scored.
- Let's get her. Let's make this happen.
1355
01:14:11,580 --> 01:14:14,115
What are we cocking around here for?
Cynthia, do something.
1356
01:14:14,116 --> 01:14:16,318
Get on the phone. Is lunch
literally coming from China?
1357
01:14:16,319 --> 01:14:17,519
I don't understand it.
1358
01:14:17,520 --> 01:14:20,021
Remember when you were
interviewin' me...
1359
01:14:20,022 --> 01:14:22,324
And you asked me
if I had a dream?
1360
01:14:22,325 --> 01:14:26,428
And I said, "sure, I got a dream. I
just don't know what it is yet."
1361
01:14:26,429 --> 01:14:29,999
Yeah. Yeah, great line.
Try to work that into the show.
1362
01:14:30,000 --> 01:14:32,160
Yeah. Yeah, great line.
Try to work that into the show.
1363
01:14:32,501 --> 01:14:35,136
Wh-- what if shari's the dream?
1364
01:14:35,137 --> 01:14:39,741
Oh, come on, ed. You're beating yourself
up for nothing. You knew her history.
1365
01:14:39,742 --> 01:14:44,145
When the going gets tough,
shari gets going...
1366
01:14:44,146 --> 01:14:45,714
As far away as possible.
1367
01:14:45,715 --> 01:14:50,118
She's one of those, "I'll dump
you before you dump me" chicks.
1368
01:14:50,119 --> 01:14:53,755
Yeah. But what if we could get ups to
tell us where they sent her, you know?
1369
01:14:53,756 --> 01:14:58,159
Then I could go visit her, and hell, we
could even move the show there for a while.
1370
01:14:58,160 --> 01:14:59,999
Ed, if you want this thing
to work with her,
1371
01:15:00,000 --> 01:15:01,563
ed, if you want this thing
to work with her,
1372
01:15:01,564 --> 01:15:06,434
the best thing you can do right
now is to give her some space.
1373
01:15:06,435 --> 01:15:09,571
Maybe even, uh,
see other people.
1374
01:15:09,572 --> 01:15:13,174
Whoa! What do you mean?
Like right away? No.
1375
01:15:13,175 --> 01:15:16,344
No, no, I--
Ed, you're a star.
1376
01:15:16,345 --> 01:15:18,513
But celebrities like you...
1377
01:15:18,514 --> 01:15:21,182
Or tom cruise or whoever,
1378
01:15:21,183 --> 01:15:23,184
you have a responsibility.
1379
01:15:23,185 --> 01:15:27,622
I don't think your fans are gonna be too
thrilled sitting around watching you...
1380
01:15:27,623 --> 01:15:29,724
Have a major case
of the "mopeys."
1381
01:15:29,725 --> 01:15:30,000
They've got 200 channels
to choose from.
1382
01:15:30,001 --> 01:15:32,094
They've got 200 channels
to choose from.
1383
01:15:33,295 --> 01:15:36,064
Ed, it's not like
you're giving up shari.
1384
01:15:36,065 --> 01:15:38,433
My sister was going with a guy.
1385
01:15:38,434 --> 01:15:42,504
They hit a little rough spot, started seeing
other people. They got back together.
1386
01:15:42,505 --> 01:15:47,309
Last month they had their third
child, for what it's worth.
1387
01:15:50,246 --> 01:15:52,580
Twenty-two! Thirty-two!
1388
01:15:52,581 --> 01:15:56,419
Two, stay with the quarterback.
One, you got the iso on ed.
1389
01:15:58,687 --> 01:15:59,999
He breaks to the inside. Oh, gosh!
I think he's got a step on him!
1390
01:16:00,000 --> 01:16:03,092
He breaks to the inside. Oh, gosh!
I think he's got a step on him!
1391
01:16:03,759 --> 01:16:05,493
Shecky, you lost the feed.
1392
01:16:05,494 --> 01:16:09,331
- Ed! Hey, ed!
- Get up! You lost the feed!
1393
01:16:11,767 --> 01:16:14,002
Hey, Jill. Ow!
1394
01:16:14,003 --> 01:16:17,505
Ooh! What are you doin' to me?
Look alive!
1395
01:16:17,506 --> 01:16:20,408
You guys go ahead.
I'll be back... sometime.
1396
01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:23,078
Ed, where you goin'?
Let's get the game goin'!
1397
01:16:23,079 --> 01:16:25,647
No, it's not. It's a setup.
1398
01:16:25,648 --> 01:16:27,182
I'm gonna ask Cynthia.
1399
01:16:27,183 --> 01:16:29,999
Come on! It's such a setup.
1400
01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:30,119
Come on! It's such a setup.
1401
01:16:30,120 --> 01:16:33,188
Cynthia, did you arrange this?
1402
01:16:33,189 --> 01:16:35,256
- Whose dog is that?
- Out for a walk.
1403
01:16:35,257 --> 01:16:36,658
Walkin' your dog? Yeah.
1404
01:16:36,659 --> 01:16:38,526
- That's your dog.
- What's your dog's name?
1405
01:16:38,527 --> 01:16:41,763
Um, ginger.
1406
01:16:41,764 --> 01:16:44,532
Nielsen looks pretty
good on TV, huh? Yeah.
1407
01:16:44,533 --> 01:16:46,601
Hey, man! Way to go, ed!
1408
01:16:46,602 --> 01:16:49,304
- Picture's worth a thousand bucks.
- Oh, yeah!
1409
01:16:49,305 --> 01:16:50,673
Baboom!
1410
01:16:52,141 --> 01:16:54,543
Ooh, that's delicious.
1411
01:17:02,118 --> 01:17:03,752
Smile, baby!
1412
01:17:06,522 --> 01:17:10,159
- Do you think she likes him?
- She doesn't give a crap about him.
1413
01:17:16,765 --> 01:17:19,301
You want us to kiss? Ed.
1414
01:17:22,404 --> 01:17:25,273
He should be a model
or something.
1415
01:17:25,274 --> 01:17:27,276
He's gorgeous.
1416
01:17:36,619 --> 01:17:39,255
Hey, listen, should we, um--
1417
01:17:44,193 --> 01:17:45,561
Ooh.
1418
01:17:48,063 --> 01:17:50,432
Oh, geez, it's, uh--
1419
01:17:52,134 --> 01:17:54,435
Listen, Jill, it's gettin'
kinda late, you know?
1420
01:17:54,436 --> 01:17:56,237
- I mean--
- Is he kidding?
1421
01:17:56,238 --> 01:17:58,540
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
1422
01:17:58,541 --> 01:17:59,999
Mm, tomorrow night.
I, um-- I got a--
1423
01:18:00,000 --> 01:18:02,076
Mm, tomorrow night.
I, um-- I got a--
1424
01:18:02,077 --> 01:18:05,581
I got a thing. I got a-- no,
that's not tomorrow night.
1425
01:18:08,317 --> 01:18:12,353
Well, listen. Why don't you
come around here, and, um--
1426
01:18:12,354 --> 01:18:16,591
I can make you dinner, and maybe
you could bring a video, and, um--
1427
01:18:16,592 --> 01:18:20,596
Well, you know, we can
make a night of it. Hmm?
1428
01:18:31,373 --> 01:18:34,209
Stay behind
the barricade, folks.
1429
01:18:34,210 --> 01:18:36,211
♪ Go, go, go go, go, go ♪
1430
01:18:36,212 --> 01:18:37,745
Stay behind the barricade.
1431
01:18:37,746 --> 01:18:40,516
♪ Go, go, go go, go, go ♪
1432
01:18:41,650 --> 01:18:43,219
Holy shit!
1433
01:18:52,595 --> 01:18:55,663
I'm startin' to feel
a little pressure.
1434
01:18:55,664 --> 01:18:58,233
Think he's gonna do it?
Hell, yeah.
1435
01:18:58,234 --> 01:18:59,999
The guy hasn't had sex
in six weeks.
1436
01:19:00,000 --> 01:19:00,602
The guy hasn't had sex
in six weeks.
1437
01:19:00,603 --> 01:19:02,437
What, like we have?
1438
01:19:02,438 --> 01:19:04,539
- Here we go. Yeah.
- Smile! Smile!
1439
01:19:04,540 --> 01:19:07,610
Great. Let me try them on.
Sure, sure, sure.
1440
01:19:15,517 --> 01:19:18,420
We'll park your car for you, ed.
Save your strength.
1441
01:19:22,324 --> 01:19:26,629
♪ Go, go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪
1442
01:19:40,509 --> 01:19:42,077
Get out of the way.
Clear the way.
1443
01:19:57,393 --> 01:19:59,999
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
1444
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:01,080
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
1445
01:20:02,031 --> 01:20:04,533
Hi. Hi.
1446
01:20:08,003 --> 01:20:10,572
Jill! Jill! Jill!
1447
01:20:11,607 --> 01:20:14,575
Come on in. Oh, wow.
1448
01:20:14,576 --> 01:20:18,112
Look at you! Oh, thanks.
1449
01:20:18,113 --> 01:20:20,148
Those boobs are so fake.
1450
01:20:20,149 --> 01:20:22,685
She's such a slut. Total slut.
1451
01:20:31,727 --> 01:20:34,095
Big, big crowd tonight.
1452
01:20:34,096 --> 01:20:36,098
I know. They've
been there for hours.
1453
01:20:40,069 --> 01:20:42,437
♪ Careful what you wish for ♪
1454
01:20:42,438 --> 01:20:43,705
Ed? Yeah?
1455
01:20:43,706 --> 01:20:46,442
- Do you want to come and have a little nibble?
- Wha--
1456
01:20:48,143 --> 01:20:50,311
Oh.
1457
01:20:50,312 --> 01:20:52,980
Yeah. Sure.
1458
01:20:52,981 --> 01:20:55,116
Hey.
1459
01:20:55,117 --> 01:20:57,719
Hey, baby.
1460
01:20:57,720 --> 01:20:59,999
- Thought you had a dog.
- Huh?
1461
01:21:00,000 --> 01:21:00,521
- Thought you had a dog.
- Huh?
1462
01:21:00,522 --> 01:21:03,458
Oh, no, that was a friend's.
I've just got lovely Isabella.
1463
01:21:03,459 --> 01:21:08,029
Hey, baby. Yes, good girl.
Down you go.
1464
01:21:08,030 --> 01:21:10,031
Good girl.
1465
01:21:10,032 --> 01:21:12,467
♪ A deeper shade of red ♪
1466
01:21:12,468 --> 01:21:14,702
♪ on your lips ♪
1467
01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:18,439
♪ tryin' to find a way
to be loved ♪
1468
01:21:18,440 --> 01:21:24,513
♪ without ever givin' in ♪
1469
01:21:28,183 --> 01:21:29,999
Wow! Oh-ho!
1470
01:21:30,000 --> 01:21:30,619
Wow! Oh-ho!
1471
01:21:36,625 --> 01:21:39,327
Good? Mmm.
1472
01:21:39,328 --> 01:21:41,363
Mm-hmm.
1473
01:21:43,499 --> 01:21:46,701
♪ Careful what you wish for ♪
1474
01:21:46,702 --> 01:21:49,437
♪ it just might come true ♪
1475
01:21:49,438 --> 01:21:52,440
♪ might come true ♪
1476
01:21:52,441 --> 01:21:55,144
Uh, Mr. president?
1477
01:21:58,380 --> 01:21:59,999
♪ Isn't this what
you always wanted? ♪
1478
01:22:00,000 --> 01:22:00,581
♪ Isn't this what
you always wanted? ♪
1479
01:22:00,582 --> 01:22:02,984
I love her!
1480
01:22:02,985 --> 01:22:05,687
Move out of the way! I love her!
I love her! I love her!
1481
01:23:02,544 --> 01:23:05,047
Wow!
1482
01:23:09,651 --> 01:23:13,322
Hot damn!
We are go for sex, people.
1483
01:23:27,269 --> 01:23:28,737
I love this show, bro.
1484
01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:34,575
Is this okay, Cynthia?
- Don't leave yet. This is cable. Stay with him.
1485
01:23:34,576 --> 01:23:37,679
Cynthia, Cynthia!
Will you get over there!
1486
01:23:47,756 --> 01:23:49,991
Oh, my.
1487
01:23:49,992 --> 01:23:52,027
♪
1488
01:24:06,008 --> 01:24:07,975
Ah! What's he doing?
1489
01:24:07,976 --> 01:24:09,443
Oh!
1490
01:24:09,444 --> 01:24:12,280
Ed, are you okay?
1491
01:24:12,281 --> 01:24:15,117
Oh, something broke my fall.
1492
01:24:16,218 --> 01:24:17,618
Oh!
1493
01:24:17,619 --> 01:24:21,390
Ooh!
1494
01:24:23,125 --> 01:24:25,660
Please, let me through.
1495
01:24:25,661 --> 01:24:28,496
Is it bad? Please, is it bad?
1496
01:24:28,497 --> 01:24:29,999
I think she just broke her leg.
1497
01:24:30,000 --> 01:24:31,240
I think she just broke her leg.
1498
01:24:33,068 --> 01:24:36,370
Excuse me. My back's a little sore.
I didn't break it.
1499
01:24:36,371 --> 01:24:39,574
I can walk. We're just
taking you in for an x ray.
1500
01:24:39,575 --> 01:24:43,611
The thing got the highest ratings of
the year. Higher than the super bowl.
1501
01:24:43,612 --> 01:24:49,116
It's kind of the same thing. A big buildup,
and then one team just... can't perform.
1502
01:24:49,117 --> 01:24:53,087
And all that boy did was hurt
that little girl's pussy.
1503
01:24:53,088 --> 01:24:57,325
I'm talkin' about her cat.
I'm talkin' about the cat.
1504
01:24:57,326 --> 01:24:59,999
If ed had been a stud, if he had given
a terrific performance that night,
1505
01:25:00,000 --> 01:25:02,630
if ed had been a stud, if he had given
a terrific performance that night,
1506
01:25:02,631 --> 01:25:06,100
the American people would have
loved him, but he failed us.
1507
01:25:06,101 --> 01:25:09,270
No, I don't agree.
He failed us as a man.
1508
01:25:09,271 --> 01:25:11,272
♪ Thank you for letting me
be myself again ♪
1509
01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:13,608
Look at this. She did not--
1510
01:25:13,609 --> 01:25:17,111
She did not break my heart, man.
1511
01:25:17,112 --> 01:25:19,680
Look, I understand that I
am fair game and all that,
1512
01:25:19,681 --> 01:25:21,382
but just tell it like it is.
1513
01:25:21,383 --> 01:25:25,252
She was a hot-lookin' chick.
I get that. I knew the score.
1514
01:25:25,253 --> 01:25:28,422
"Broke my heart."
No, you know what Jill did?
1515
01:25:28,423 --> 01:25:29,999
Jill went out to L.A. and got
one of those scandal agents...
1516
01:25:30,000 --> 01:25:31,659
Jill went out to L.A. and got
one of those scandal agents...
1517
01:25:31,660 --> 01:25:36,999
That handle like Joey buttafuoco,
kato kaelin and gennifer flowers--
1518
01:25:47,476 --> 01:25:49,277
Oh, my god. He wrote a book.
1519
01:25:56,685 --> 01:25:59,553
I mean, he never even
read a book, man.
1520
01:25:59,554 --> 01:26:00,000
What's your feeling about the
meaning, if any, of ed TV?
1521
01:26:00,001 --> 01:26:04,558
What's your feeling about the
meaning, if any, of ed TV?
1522
01:26:04,559 --> 01:26:08,629
Well, Harry, I-I feel that
ed is the apotheosis...
1523
01:26:08,630 --> 01:26:11,165
Of a prevailing
American syndrome.
1524
01:26:11,166 --> 01:26:14,168
It used to be that people were
famous for being special.
1525
01:26:14,169 --> 01:26:17,405
Now they're considered special,
uh, merely for being famous.
1526
01:26:17,406 --> 01:26:20,408
You see, fame has
become a moral good...
1527
01:26:20,409 --> 01:26:22,176
In this country.
1528
01:26:22,177 --> 01:26:23,578
It's its own virtue.
1529
01:26:29,651 --> 01:26:30,000
We thought since we had ray pekurny on the
panel today, we'd talk about his book.
1530
01:26:30,001 --> 01:26:34,288
We thought since we had ray pekurny on the
panel today, we'd talk about his book.
1531
01:26:34,289 --> 01:26:37,325
It is called
my brother pissed on me.
1532
01:26:39,394 --> 01:26:43,164
Is that a metaphorical title, or did
your brother actually piss on you?
1533
01:26:43,165 --> 01:26:46,033
I put-- I put everything
in the book.
1534
01:26:46,034 --> 01:26:49,303
Everything.
All this is in the book.
1535
01:26:49,304 --> 01:26:53,442
I'll be honest, I have not read
the book because it looks stupid.
1536
01:26:57,612 --> 01:26:59,480
What?
1537
01:26:59,481 --> 01:26:59,999
I'm just saying maybe we should start thinking
about when we want to take him off the air.
1538
01:27:00,000 --> 01:27:03,584
I'm just saying maybe we should start thinking
about when we want to take him off the air.
1539
01:27:03,585 --> 01:27:07,254
Why? What are you talking about, take him off
the air? He just got out of the hospital.
1540
01:27:07,255 --> 01:27:08,989
He's fine. The cat's fine.
1541
01:27:08,990 --> 01:27:10,491
The ratings
are higher than ever.
1542
01:27:10,492 --> 01:27:13,661
Well, you know, it's like when you're
chewing gum and blowing a bubble.
1543
01:27:13,662 --> 01:27:15,429
Oh. Good. A metaphor. Right.
1544
01:27:15,430 --> 01:27:18,165
And the bubble keeps
getting bigger and bigger,
1545
01:27:18,166 --> 01:27:20,468
and you've got to decide,
when do you suck it in?
1546
01:27:20,469 --> 01:27:24,439
Or if you don't, it explodes,
and then you've got gum face.
1547
01:27:26,208 --> 01:27:29,577
Cynthia, I started out
as an associate producer...
1548
01:27:29,578 --> 01:27:30,000
On good morning Fresno.
1549
01:27:30,001 --> 01:27:31,979
On good morning Fresno.
1550
01:27:31,980 --> 01:27:36,618
And I didn't get from there to here by
worrying about getting gum on my face.
1551
01:27:39,087 --> 01:27:41,388
All I'm saying is,
I think we've peaked.
1552
01:27:41,389 --> 01:27:45,126
And all I'm saying is, you don't
know your ass from a toboggan.
1553
01:27:45,127 --> 01:27:47,995
We're gonna stay with the
boy for another month.
1554
01:27:47,996 --> 01:27:50,397
You know how I know I'm right?
Mmm.
1555
01:27:50,398 --> 01:27:55,070
Because I'm driving the big car,
and you're driving the little car.
1556
01:28:01,510 --> 01:28:05,613
Look, ed, you put anybody
on television 16 hours a day,
1557
01:28:05,614 --> 01:28:09,650
at some point they're going to wind up
rolling off a table and squashing a cat.
1558
01:28:09,651 --> 01:28:12,486
No, man, that's not my point.
All right, look.
1559
01:28:12,487 --> 01:28:16,157
With no privacy, there is no dignity.
Capisce?
1560
01:28:16,158 --> 01:28:19,026
Oh, yeah, nice.
1561
01:28:19,027 --> 01:28:21,695
Hello. Eddie.
1562
01:28:21,696 --> 01:28:24,698
Eddie, it's mom. Hello, mom?
1563
01:28:24,699 --> 01:28:27,434
Eddie, I'm in the hospital.
1564
01:28:27,435 --> 01:28:29,737
Whoa. Mom, mom, what happened?
1565
01:28:29,738 --> 01:28:30,000
Oh, Eddie, he's dead.
1566
01:28:30,001 --> 01:28:32,573
Oh, Eddie, he's dead.
1567
01:28:32,574 --> 01:28:35,177
He's dead.
He had a heart attack.
1568
01:28:37,212 --> 01:28:39,413
Out of the way coming through.
1569
01:28:39,414 --> 01:28:43,285
Did I tell ya he was gonna die?
Did I say? Huh? Come on.
1570
01:28:47,489 --> 01:28:49,323
Excuse me. Excuse me.
1571
01:28:49,324 --> 01:28:51,492
I'm looking for my mother.
My name's ed pekurny.
1572
01:28:51,493 --> 01:28:53,294
Mr. pekurny? Yeah.
1573
01:28:53,295 --> 01:28:55,696
I'm Dr. geller. Hi.
1574
01:28:55,697 --> 01:28:58,032
Your mother's just
lying down for a minute.
1575
01:28:58,033 --> 01:28:59,999
We gave her something to calm her down.
Thank you.
1576
01:29:00,000 --> 01:29:00,202
We gave her something to calm her down.
Thank you.
1577
01:29:00,203 --> 01:29:01,602
Can I see her?
1578
01:29:01,603 --> 01:29:04,705
Uh, why don't you just give her a minute?
She'll be right out.
1579
01:29:04,706 --> 01:29:07,575
Why don't you
sit over here for a second?
1580
01:29:07,576 --> 01:29:10,544
What happened to him? Did he--
1581
01:29:10,545 --> 01:29:14,148
Did he suffer any,
or was it quick? What?
1582
01:29:14,149 --> 01:29:16,150
Yeah, it was very quick.
1583
01:29:16,151 --> 01:29:18,686
Between you and me,
it's not a bad way to go.
1584
01:29:18,687 --> 01:29:22,223
How's that? Making
love to your wife.
1585
01:29:22,224 --> 01:29:24,758
It's very sweet.
1586
01:29:24,759 --> 01:29:27,995
They were making love
when he had a heart attack?
1587
01:29:27,996 --> 01:29:29,999
According to your mother.
1588
01:29:30,000 --> 01:29:30,432
According to your mother.
1589
01:29:30,433 --> 01:29:32,566
Eddie, thank god you're here.
1590
01:29:32,567 --> 01:29:35,135
- How's your mother?
- Al!
1591
01:29:35,136 --> 01:29:37,705
What's going on?
Thought he was dead.
1592
01:29:37,706 --> 01:29:41,375
- How'd you get here?
- The neighbors drove me over. The worst goddamn driver--
1593
01:29:41,376 --> 01:29:43,344
What are you doing here?
1594
01:29:43,345 --> 01:29:46,313
Where's Jeanette? I thought
you said he was dead.
1595
01:29:46,314 --> 01:29:48,082
Who? Al!
1596
01:29:48,083 --> 01:29:51,720
No, no. The deceased
is Henry pekurny.
1597
01:29:53,588 --> 01:29:55,689
Good twist.
1598
01:29:55,690 --> 01:29:58,092
This is beautiful. I love this!
What?
1599
01:29:58,093 --> 01:29:59,360
Don't you get it? No.
1600
01:29:59,361 --> 01:29:59,999
The mother was shtupping
the ex-husband.
1601
01:30:00,000 --> 01:30:01,560
The mother was shtupping
the ex-husband.
1602
01:30:02,564 --> 01:30:04,366
You thought it was me?
1603
01:30:05,667 --> 01:30:07,368
Well, yeah, al.
1604
01:30:07,369 --> 01:30:09,703
It was your father, Hank.
1605
01:30:09,704 --> 01:30:15,342
Your mother went to see him, and he
suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.
1606
01:30:15,343 --> 01:30:18,345
Dr. geller, Dr. stack
wants to see you.
1607
01:30:18,346 --> 01:30:20,181
Oh, excuse me.
1608
01:30:24,753 --> 01:30:28,290
Could I have your autograph?
It's for my niece.
1609
01:30:31,226 --> 01:30:33,227
Al.
1610
01:30:33,228 --> 01:30:35,630
- How did you, uh--
- The burkharts drove me over.
1611
01:30:38,099 --> 01:30:41,101
Are you all right? I'm fine. I--
1612
01:30:41,102 --> 01:30:43,305
Good. I gotta pee.
1613
01:30:44,606 --> 01:30:47,374
Wish me luck.
1614
01:30:47,375 --> 01:30:51,146
Hey. Hey, uh-- oh--
1615
01:30:52,580 --> 01:30:54,349
Mom.
1616
01:31:00,655 --> 01:31:04,191
Geez. What happened, mom?
1617
01:31:04,192 --> 01:31:06,060
Oh, Eddie, it was horrible.
1618
01:31:06,061 --> 01:31:08,028
He called me up. Who?
1619
01:31:08,029 --> 01:31:09,596
Hank.
1620
01:31:09,597 --> 01:31:13,267
He said he wanted to talk to me. He
wanted to apologize for everything.
1621
01:31:13,268 --> 01:31:17,137
I went over to this horrible place
where he was staying, and I--
1622
01:31:17,138 --> 01:31:19,274
I just felt so sorry for him.
1623
01:31:20,375 --> 01:31:23,010
So you had sex with him?
1624
01:31:23,011 --> 01:31:24,411
What?
1625
01:31:24,412 --> 01:31:28,182
The doctor told me you were having sex.
He told me.
1626
01:31:28,183 --> 01:31:29,999
To you, in front of them?
Yeah, mom.
1627
01:31:30,000 --> 01:31:30,185
To you, in front of them?
Yeah, mom.
1628
01:31:30,186 --> 01:31:34,188
He assumed Hank was your husband.
You know, common sense.
1629
01:31:34,189 --> 01:31:37,291
My god! On TV! Mom, why? How?
1630
01:31:37,292 --> 01:31:38,692
You know?
1631
01:31:38,693 --> 01:31:41,328
One thing led to another.
He was my husband once.
1632
01:31:41,329 --> 01:31:43,163
But al is your husband now.
1633
01:31:43,164 --> 01:31:46,100
You think it's been easy
for me all these years?
1634
01:31:46,101 --> 01:31:47,701
Al can't have sex!
1635
01:31:47,702 --> 01:31:52,039
Apparently neither
can Hank, mom.
1636
01:31:52,040 --> 01:31:55,709
Let's recap this whole thing. The
mother's too good at it, right?
1637
01:31:55,710 --> 01:31:58,078
Both brothers stink at it.
1638
01:31:58,079 --> 01:31:59,999
The stepfather can't do it at all. And
the father did it, but it killed him.
1639
01:32:00,000 --> 01:32:01,615
The stepfather can't do it at all. And
the father did it, but it killed him.
1640
01:32:01,616 --> 01:32:04,218
How the hell did
this family reproduce?
1641
01:32:04,219 --> 01:32:07,521
How did they even get here?
1642
01:32:07,522 --> 01:32:11,191
This is worse than all the daily
tabloid television that exists.
1643
01:32:11,192 --> 01:32:14,194
Isn't the appeal
of this show now...
1644
01:32:14,195 --> 01:32:16,463
That everybody's got a
skeleton in their closet?
1645
01:32:16,464 --> 01:32:19,099
But how many skeletons
can one family have?
1646
01:32:19,100 --> 01:32:21,435
No, I think the country's saying
we've had enough of this.
1647
01:32:21,436 --> 01:32:24,406
Let's get back to the way
TV used to be.
1648
01:32:46,494 --> 01:32:49,197
We are gathered today--
1649
01:32:59,240 --> 01:32:59,999
How ya doin', boy?
1650
01:33:00,000 --> 01:33:01,476
How ya doin', boy?
1651
01:33:04,546 --> 01:33:07,481
How was the service?
It was all right.
1652
01:33:07,482 --> 01:33:09,650
His parole officer said
some lovely words,
1653
01:33:09,651 --> 01:33:14,089
and once again I was
reminded the end is near.
1654
01:33:15,190 --> 01:33:17,291
Sorry you couldn't
come in, kiddo,
1655
01:33:17,292 --> 01:33:22,730
but for some reason, the family feels
they're not comin' off so well on TV.
1656
01:33:25,533 --> 01:33:28,102
Well...
1657
01:33:28,103 --> 01:33:29,999
You and mom are gonna
work things out, aren't ya?
1658
01:33:30,000 --> 01:33:30,271
You and mom are gonna
work things out, aren't ya?
1659
01:33:30,272 --> 01:33:31,973
I'm movin' out.
1660
01:33:33,441 --> 01:33:35,309
No, al. What do you mean,
you're moving out?
1661
01:33:35,310 --> 01:33:37,111
I'm gonna be living
with my brother.
1662
01:33:37,112 --> 01:33:39,113
He's not in such
good shape as me,
1663
01:33:39,114 --> 01:33:41,549
but I'm looking forward
to the pillow fights.
1664
01:33:44,519 --> 01:33:45,752
Hank.
1665
01:33:45,753 --> 01:33:48,322
Hank was always good
with the ladies.
1666
01:33:48,323 --> 01:33:50,524
Always good-lookin'.
1667
01:33:50,525 --> 01:33:54,195
Hell, he's been dead for two days,
he still looks better than me.
1668
01:33:55,296 --> 01:33:57,132
I gotta tell you something, al.
1669
01:34:00,201 --> 01:34:02,036
You know, Hank, he--
1670
01:34:09,144 --> 01:34:11,312
You're my father, al.
1671
01:34:37,438 --> 01:34:39,507
Take care of yourself, huh?
1672
01:34:40,408 --> 01:34:42,510
You know I will.
1673
01:34:51,052 --> 01:34:55,156
I guess it's when... You
know the head, it's, uh,
1674
01:34:56,291 --> 01:34:57,659
different.
1675
01:35:02,597 --> 01:35:05,032
You have done it! I've had it!
1676
01:35:05,033 --> 01:35:07,167
Hey, Crockett. Ease up, man.
1677
01:35:07,168 --> 01:35:10,170
Ease up? He just devoured my
entire buddy holly collection!
1678
01:35:10,171 --> 01:35:12,339
What is it with you?
1679
01:35:12,340 --> 01:35:16,476
How would you like it if somebody
chewed up your personal belongings?
1680
01:35:16,477 --> 01:35:19,046
See this blanket? You see this?
1681
01:35:19,047 --> 01:35:21,767
Elvis loves this blanket. It's his
most favorite thing in the whole--
1682
01:35:27,088 --> 01:35:29,999
- Three more months?
- Yeah, absolutely.
1683
01:35:30,000 --> 01:35:30,091
- Three more months?
- Yeah, absolutely.
1684
01:35:30,092 --> 01:35:34,361
Ed TV's more popular than ever. The
resurgence in interest is astounding.
1685
01:35:34,362 --> 01:35:37,364
Of course, this means another
big bonus payment for you.
1686
01:35:37,365 --> 01:35:39,601
Yea! Whoo-hoo!
1687
01:35:41,002 --> 01:35:44,071
Ed, have you thought about
moving in with your mother?
1688
01:35:44,072 --> 01:35:48,476
I mean, she's all alone now. I'm
sure she could use your support.
1689
01:35:54,749 --> 01:35:59,621
You know, we're not as dumb
as you people think we are.
1690
01:36:08,296 --> 01:36:11,266
I'm takin' what little
dignity there is left,
1691
01:36:13,034 --> 01:36:15,103
and I quit.
1692
01:36:17,205 --> 01:36:20,507
Yeah. Can somebody
validate my parking?
1693
01:36:20,508 --> 01:36:23,343
Ed, I'm afraid that--
That's not possible.
1694
01:36:23,344 --> 01:36:26,113
Okay, Mr. big network. I'll
pay for it myself. No.
1695
01:36:26,114 --> 01:36:28,116
I mean, you can't quit.
1696
01:36:29,450 --> 01:36:29,999
The hell I can't.
Lookit, I just did.
1697
01:36:30,000 --> 01:36:32,019
The hell I can't.
Lookit, I just did.
1698
01:36:32,020 --> 01:36:35,422
I know, ed, but, you see,
1699
01:36:35,423 --> 01:36:38,392
you agreed to stay on the air
as long as we asked you to.
1700
01:36:38,393 --> 01:36:41,428
The station entered into this
with that understanding.
1701
01:36:41,429 --> 01:36:45,432
Now, if you had refused
up front,
1702
01:36:45,433 --> 01:36:48,169
well, we would have done
this with somebody else.
1703
01:36:49,604 --> 01:36:53,173
You can't just change the rules
in the middle of the game, son.
1704
01:36:53,174 --> 01:36:54,441
It's just not fair.
1705
01:36:54,442 --> 01:36:57,711
Listen, if you don't
let me out of this now,
1706
01:36:57,712 --> 01:36:59,999
I-I-I'm gonna go home,
stick my thumb up my butt,
1707
01:37:00,000 --> 01:37:01,548
I-I-I'm gonna go home,
stick my thumb up my butt,
1708
01:37:01,549 --> 01:37:04,284
sit on my ass
and not do a damn thing.
1709
01:37:04,285 --> 01:37:06,553
I won't go anywhere.
1710
01:37:06,554 --> 01:37:09,589
What kind of show does that sound like?
Uh, not too good.
1711
01:37:09,590 --> 01:37:11,191
No, not too good.
1712
01:37:11,192 --> 01:37:14,661
That's why it states very
specifically in your contract...
1713
01:37:14,662 --> 01:37:18,365
That if you don't continue
to live a normal life,
1714
01:37:18,366 --> 01:37:22,436
well, then,
you're in breach, see?
1715
01:37:22,437 --> 01:37:27,408
And you're liable for all the
station's financial losses.
1716
01:38:00,708 --> 01:38:02,510
I'll get this.
1717
01:38:16,190 --> 01:38:18,359
Autograph, please?
1718
01:38:53,428 --> 01:38:55,663
Ed, come on out!
1719
01:38:59,367 --> 01:38:59,999
Ed! Ed! Ed!
1720
01:39:00,000 --> 01:39:02,437
Ed! Ed! Ed!
1721
01:39:05,139 --> 01:39:06,440
Shari.
1722
01:39:06,441 --> 01:39:09,376
Oh, my god. Move! Excuse me!
1723
01:39:09,377 --> 01:39:13,414
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shari! Shari!
1724
01:39:14,715 --> 01:39:17,217
Watch it. Watch it!
1725
01:39:17,218 --> 01:39:19,753
Who's got the shot?
Who's got the shot?
1726
01:39:19,754 --> 01:39:22,656
Just give it to me.
Come on, come on.
1727
01:39:22,657 --> 01:39:25,559
Come on! He's on the move!
Go, go, go!
1728
01:39:25,560 --> 01:39:27,260
We got him! Fast, fast, fast!
1729
01:39:27,261 --> 01:39:29,664
Go! Go!
1730
01:39:33,334 --> 01:39:34,701
We got him! We got him!
1731
01:39:34,702 --> 01:39:36,737
Fire it up. We're rolling.
1732
01:39:38,406 --> 01:39:42,043
♪ Well, my temperature's rising
and my feet are on the floor ♪
1733
01:39:45,713 --> 01:39:48,014
Keep the microwave high, shecky.
1734
01:39:48,015 --> 01:39:51,318
♪ But you'd better take it easy
'cause this place is hot ♪
1735
01:39:51,319 --> 01:39:53,720
♪ and I'm so glad we made it ♪
1736
01:39:53,721 --> 01:39:55,288
Come on, Carlos!
1737
01:39:55,289 --> 01:39:57,757
Get up! Get up!
1738
01:39:57,758 --> 01:39:59,359
Come on. He's getting away.
1739
01:39:59,360 --> 01:39:59,999
♪ Gimme some lovin' ♪
♪ gimme, gimme some lovin' ♪
1740
01:40:00,000 --> 01:40:02,028
♪ gimme some lovin' ♪
♪ gimme, gimme some lovin' ♪
1741
01:40:02,029 --> 01:40:04,130
♪ gimme some lovin' ♪
1742
01:40:04,131 --> 01:40:06,066
♪ Gimme, gimme some lovin' ♪
1743
01:40:06,067 --> 01:40:08,302
♪ gimme some lovin' every day ♪
1744
01:40:17,545 --> 01:40:19,313
Hi. Hi. One, please.
1745
01:40:25,453 --> 01:40:27,088
♪ Hey ♪ excuse me.
1746
01:40:27,622 --> 01:40:29,999
Hey! Give me one.
1747
01:40:30,000 --> 01:40:30,057
Hey! Give me one.
1748
01:40:30,058 --> 01:40:32,325
♪ Well, I feel so good
everything is sounding hot ♪
1749
01:40:32,326 --> 01:40:34,327
I'm looking for a
girl, tall-- bad wig?
1750
01:40:34,328 --> 01:40:36,564
Yeah. Theater three.
Your ticket.
1751
01:40:38,733 --> 01:40:41,434
♪ We made it, baby
and it happened to you ♪
1752
01:40:41,435 --> 01:40:44,237
- ♪ and I'm so glad we made it ♪
- watch it! Watch it!
1753
01:40:44,238 --> 01:40:45,438
Move!
1754
01:40:45,439 --> 01:40:47,641
♪ So glad we made it ♪
1755
01:40:47,642 --> 01:40:50,377
♪ you gotta gimme some lovin' ♪
1756
01:40:50,378 --> 01:40:53,046
Shari, are you okay?
I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
1757
01:40:53,047 --> 01:40:54,981
Are you okay?
1758
01:40:54,982 --> 01:40:56,384
Shari!
1759
01:41:06,627 --> 01:41:08,195
Shari?
1760
01:41:10,197 --> 01:41:11,464
Shari. It's not me.
1761
01:41:11,465 --> 01:41:13,066
It sounds like you.
1762
01:41:13,067 --> 01:41:16,202
Well, it's not. Now, go away.
I thought you moved.
1763
01:41:16,203 --> 01:41:19,239
I just came
for my brother's birthday.
1764
01:41:19,240 --> 01:41:21,041
In a disguise?
1765
01:41:21,042 --> 01:41:23,577
I wanted to see you, but
I didn't want you to see me.
1766
01:41:23,578 --> 01:41:27,747
Shari, listen to me.
I know why you left.
1767
01:41:27,748 --> 01:41:29,999
Everyone knows why, ed.
I told you why.
1768
01:41:30,000 --> 01:41:30,251
Everyone knows why, ed.
I told you why.
1769
01:41:30,252 --> 01:41:34,254
No, you said it was because of the
TV, but I don't believe that.
1770
01:41:34,255 --> 01:41:36,122
I mean, l-look at us.
1771
01:41:36,123 --> 01:41:40,160
We've been with people before,
and it didn't work out.
1772
01:41:40,161 --> 01:41:43,663
And none of it was on TV, shari.
1773
01:41:43,664 --> 01:41:45,266
None of it.
1774
01:41:47,335 --> 01:41:50,270
You and me,
1775
01:41:50,271 --> 01:41:52,439
we've been burned.
1776
01:41:52,440 --> 01:41:55,409
And we're scared.
1777
01:41:57,411 --> 01:41:59,280
That's why you left.
1778
01:42:01,349 --> 01:42:03,718
And that's why...
1779
01:42:05,453 --> 01:42:08,055
I didn't do a damn thing
to stop ya.
1780
01:42:14,462 --> 01:42:16,130
Shari?
1781
01:42:25,272 --> 01:42:27,208
All right.
1782
01:43:01,142 --> 01:43:04,111
Oh! Oh! I'm sorry.
1783
01:43:27,435 --> 01:43:29,236
Oh, wow. Mmm.
1784
01:43:31,605 --> 01:43:34,574
All right, listen.
You stay here.
1785
01:43:34,575 --> 01:43:37,077
I'm leaving. These guys
are coming with me.
1786
01:43:37,078 --> 01:43:40,346
I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'm gonna
figure something out so we can be together.
1787
01:43:40,347 --> 01:43:41,749
Okay? Okay.
1788
01:43:53,360 --> 01:43:55,161
Let's go, guys.
1789
01:43:55,162 --> 01:43:57,631
No, Mike. Follow shari.
1790
01:43:59,533 --> 01:44:00,000
Mike, shecky, come on.
1791
01:44:00,001 --> 01:44:01,102
Mike, shecky, come on.
1792
01:44:02,670 --> 01:44:07,141
Mike, shecky, I'm leaving. You're
supposed to follow me. Let's go.
1793
01:44:17,752 --> 01:44:20,087
Give him room, people.
Give him room.
1794
01:44:22,490 --> 01:44:25,658
Hi, ed. Why the hell are
they still followin' shari?
1795
01:44:25,659 --> 01:44:29,095
It's their new concept. Since--
1796
01:44:29,096 --> 01:44:29,999
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1797
01:44:30,000 --> 01:44:31,598
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1798
01:44:31,599 --> 01:44:34,434
What's going on here?
Why is my family on TV?
1799
01:44:34,435 --> 01:44:37,170
Like I was saying,
it's a new concept.
1800
01:44:37,171 --> 01:44:40,173
Since shari and your family
all signed releases,
1801
01:44:40,174 --> 01:44:43,009
we're allowed to follow them on camera
even though you're not with them.
1802
01:44:43,010 --> 01:44:47,647
So we go with whoever's the most exciting.
And right now, look.
1803
01:44:47,648 --> 01:44:52,519
See, it's you and--
Oh, me.
1804
01:44:52,520 --> 01:44:55,321
- You can't do this.
- I'm not a lawyer.
1805
01:44:55,322 --> 01:44:58,124
I'm just a guy who eats
three meals a day in this truck.
1806
01:44:58,125 --> 01:44:59,999
We gotta get them off the air.
This is not part of the deal.
1807
01:45:00,000 --> 01:45:01,161
We gotta get them off the air.
This is not part of the deal.
1808
01:45:01,162 --> 01:45:04,164
I don't give a goddamn.
Make the call, man.
1809
01:45:04,165 --> 01:45:06,699
Make the call. Get 'em off.
1810
01:45:06,700 --> 01:45:08,701
Look, ed, this is--
1811
01:45:08,702 --> 01:45:12,138
I'll get 'em off. Hey, hey, hey!
1812
01:45:12,139 --> 01:45:16,209
Ed! Ed, come on!
Ed, if you break the truck--
1813
01:45:16,210 --> 01:45:18,745
If you break the truck,
they'll charge you for it.
1814
01:45:18,746 --> 01:45:20,547
They'll have a new one here
in 15 minutes.
1815
01:45:20,548 --> 01:45:23,483
Ten.
1816
01:45:23,484 --> 01:45:26,619
Come on, ed. This is crazy.
1817
01:45:26,620 --> 01:45:29,999
Hey, hey. They got you, man.
1818
01:45:30,000 --> 01:45:30,491
Hey, hey. They got you, man.
1819
01:45:30,492 --> 01:45:33,127
Just... go home.
1820
01:45:34,028 --> 01:45:35,496
Go home, gomer.
1821
01:45:37,264 --> 01:45:39,567
Ed, this is crazy. Come on.
1822
01:45:51,712 --> 01:45:53,614
You know what?
1823
01:45:57,585 --> 01:45:59,153
They're right.
1824
01:46:01,555 --> 01:46:03,323
This is a great idea.
1825
01:46:03,324 --> 01:46:06,192
My family is interesting.
1826
01:46:06,193 --> 01:46:08,229
Hell, look at 'em.
1827
01:46:10,064 --> 01:46:12,032
But everybody's interesting,
right?
1828
01:46:13,500 --> 01:46:18,338
I bet you that wacky little
group that owns this network...
1829
01:46:18,339 --> 01:46:20,406
That I had the meeting with,
1830
01:46:20,407 --> 01:46:23,611
I bet they're pretty goddamn
interesting too, don't you think?
1831
01:46:24,745 --> 01:46:27,680
Huh? I'll bet they are.
1832
01:46:27,681 --> 01:46:29,999
Yeah. I'll bet you...
$10,000 they are.
1833
01:46:30,000 --> 01:46:32,286
Yeah. I'll bet you...
$10,000 they are.
1834
01:46:35,356 --> 01:46:37,423
Yeah.
1835
01:46:37,424 --> 01:46:41,027
I oughta loosen up
a little bit, shouldn't I?
1836
01:46:41,028 --> 01:46:43,096
Let's have a little fun
with this thing.
1837
01:46:43,097 --> 01:46:47,967
Let's really blow it out. Let's--
Let's have-- let's have a contest.
1838
01:46:47,968 --> 01:46:50,470
Who can dig up...
1839
01:46:50,471 --> 01:46:53,606
The most embarrassing and humiliating
information on any of the executives...
1840
01:46:53,607 --> 01:46:58,211
Of the northwest broadcast company,
which owns this station, true TV?
1841
01:46:58,212 --> 01:46:59,999
'Cause, after all,
why should anyone...
1842
01:47:00,000 --> 01:47:00,980
'Cause, after all,
why should anyone...
1843
01:47:00,981 --> 01:47:03,082
Have any privacy, right?
1844
01:47:03,083 --> 01:47:05,351
So I want anything, anything...
1845
01:47:05,352 --> 01:47:08,254
From their past, their present,
business, personal, you name it.
1846
01:47:08,255 --> 01:47:10,290
If it's dirty and it's
true, we want it.
1847
01:47:10,291 --> 01:47:14,727
Whoever brings the sleaziest and
most degrading material to me,
1848
01:47:14,728 --> 01:47:17,297
I'm gonna pay you...
1849
01:47:17,298 --> 01:47:20,066
$10,000.
1850
01:47:20,067 --> 01:47:22,502
Yeah, Eddie! I love this guy!
1851
01:47:22,503 --> 01:47:25,038
And tonight at 9:00,
I'll announce...
1852
01:47:25,039 --> 01:47:27,173
The big winner, all right?
1853
01:47:27,174 --> 01:47:29,442
Now, you're gonna need
my home number.
1854
01:47:29,443 --> 01:47:29,999
All right? Call me any time.
1855
01:47:30,000 --> 01:47:32,545
All right? Call me any time.
1856
01:47:32,546 --> 01:47:35,515
And if you get in right now,
I'm gonna throw in a bonus.
1857
01:47:35,516 --> 01:47:38,184
You're gonna get a free book
by author ray pekurny...
1858
01:47:38,185 --> 01:47:41,387
Titled my brother pissed on me.
1859
01:47:41,388 --> 01:47:44,223
All right, America. Come on, baby.
Let's start diggin'.
1860
01:47:44,224 --> 01:47:47,527
This is ridiculous.
How can this be legal?
1861
01:47:47,528 --> 01:47:49,295
It's defamation. It's slander.
1862
01:47:49,296 --> 01:47:51,731
Not technically,
because he is not showing...
1863
01:47:51,732 --> 01:47:54,067
A reckless disregard
for the truth.
1864
01:47:54,068 --> 01:47:56,002
Oh, come on!
What are you saying?
1865
01:47:56,003 --> 01:47:59,072
At 9:00 he can say whatever he wants
about us? That is ridiculous.
1866
01:47:59,073 --> 01:47:59,999
There has got to be some way
we can shut this hillbilly up.
1867
01:48:00,000 --> 01:48:01,674
There has got to be some way
we can shut this hillbilly up.
1868
01:48:01,675 --> 01:48:04,477
- Hey, I've got an idea.
- What?
1869
01:48:04,478 --> 01:48:06,579
Let's not shut him up.
1870
01:48:06,580 --> 01:48:09,682
Let's get him to push it to Sunday
when the audience is bigger,
1871
01:48:09,683 --> 01:48:11,751
promote it
for the next five days,
1872
01:48:11,752 --> 01:48:13,686
really hype it because
it's a ratings grabber,
1873
01:48:13,687 --> 01:48:16,489
which is all that counts,
so run with it.
1874
01:48:16,490 --> 01:48:19,192
You were right. I was wrong.
1875
01:48:19,193 --> 01:48:21,694
See, ed TV is going
to be bigger than ever.
1876
01:48:21,695 --> 01:48:25,031
Cynthia, another word and you
may consider yourself fired.
1877
01:48:25,032 --> 01:48:28,101
Uh-oh. Can you give me a hint?
1878
01:48:28,102 --> 01:48:29,999
What word? Um, "asshole"?
1879
01:48:30,000 --> 01:48:31,000
What word? Um, "asshole"?
1880
01:48:32,039 --> 01:48:35,708
"Shithead"? I bet that--
Is that one word or two though?
1881
01:48:35,709 --> 01:48:38,344
I never can remember that.
1882
01:48:38,345 --> 01:48:40,279
"Shithead." Anyway, listen.
1883
01:48:40,280 --> 01:48:45,051
It has been a real pleasure workin' for ya.
I have loved it.
1884
01:48:45,052 --> 01:48:47,754
Loved it, loved it, loved it,
loved it, loved it, loved it.
1885
01:48:47,755 --> 01:48:49,589
Loved it!
1886
01:48:49,590 --> 01:48:54,060
So you're saying he didn't tip you?
Maybe you're not hot.
1887
01:48:54,061 --> 01:48:56,329
Yeah. Uh--
1888
01:48:56,330 --> 01:48:59,199
Look, I gotta go.
My brother's here.
1889
01:49:09,309 --> 01:49:13,213
Look, we gotta settle this.
1890
01:49:18,352 --> 01:49:19,753
Well, all right, man.
1891
01:49:22,056 --> 01:49:27,094
- They're gonna fight.
- Maybe they'll kill each other. That's at least an ending.
1892
01:49:38,138 --> 01:49:40,340
Okay, settled. Yeah, great.
1893
01:49:42,142 --> 01:49:44,177
Oh, that's it? What was that?
1894
01:49:44,178 --> 01:49:48,748
Some kind of brotherly--
Southern brotherly thing.
1895
01:49:48,749 --> 01:49:52,118
Here you go. You weren't gonna swing,
were ya? Were you ready to swing?
1896
01:49:52,119 --> 01:49:54,053
I was ready to throw down.
1897
01:49:54,054 --> 01:49:56,989
Hey, you know,
good thing I was here.
1898
01:49:56,990 --> 01:49:59,193
You got all kinds of calls.
1899
01:50:03,430 --> 01:50:06,533
This is not good.
This is not a good thing.
1900
01:50:07,301 --> 01:50:09,403
Would 40 of these kill me?
1901
01:50:12,139 --> 01:50:14,140
What if we compromised?
1902
01:50:14,141 --> 01:50:18,344
Ask him to stay on two more
weeks, and then take him off.
1903
01:50:18,345 --> 01:50:20,546
Ah, phone.
1904
01:50:20,547 --> 01:50:22,116
Here we go.
1905
01:50:23,584 --> 01:50:25,384
- Hello.
- Is this ed?
1906
01:50:25,385 --> 01:50:27,019
Yes, it is. Who's this?
1907
01:50:27,020 --> 01:50:29,999
I've got some information for you.
Better than anything you've got.
1908
01:50:30,000 --> 01:50:30,390
I've got some information for you.
Better than anything you've got.
1909
01:50:30,391 --> 01:50:32,125
Okay, I'm here. I'm here.
1910
01:50:32,126 --> 01:50:36,729
I got this from one of the secretaries
that works at the network.
1911
01:50:36,730 --> 01:50:39,665
Got a little blitzed
at the Christmas party.
1912
01:50:39,666 --> 01:50:41,334
Listen carefully.
1913
01:50:41,335 --> 01:50:43,402
I'm only gonna say this once...
1914
01:50:43,403 --> 01:50:46,473
'Cause talking this way
is really hurting my throat.
1915
01:50:48,142 --> 01:50:50,010
Can anyone see
what he's writing?
1916
01:50:51,411 --> 01:50:55,548
"Duck"? Did anybody do
anything with a duck?
1917
01:50:55,549 --> 01:50:59,018
Jesus! I'd hate to be stuck
in a foxhole with this group.
1918
01:50:59,019 --> 01:50:59,999
- There's not a full-grown pair of testicles among you.
- Uh, sir, I--
1919
01:51:00,000 --> 01:51:02,655
- There's not a full-grown pair of testicles among you.
- Uh, sir, I--
1920
01:51:02,656 --> 01:51:06,425
Whatever little embarrassments
he comes up with, we'll spin it.
1921
01:51:06,426 --> 01:51:10,397
This guy is gonna stay on TV
until he dies.
1922
01:51:11,331 --> 01:51:13,233
Relax!
1923
01:51:16,603 --> 01:51:19,740
Okay. Yes, I got it. Thank you.
1924
01:51:21,708 --> 01:51:25,077
Well? I think we've
got a winner.
1925
01:51:25,078 --> 01:51:27,180
- Uh, rayford?
- Ho!
1926
01:51:27,181 --> 01:51:29,715
- Well, 9:00 yet?
- 9:01.
1927
01:51:29,716 --> 01:51:30,000
9:01. Got it. Okay.
1928
01:51:30,001 --> 01:51:32,685
9:01. Got it. Okay.
1929
01:51:32,686 --> 01:51:36,355
I don't know how many of you out there
are paying attention right now,
1930
01:51:36,356 --> 01:51:38,457
but for those of you who are,
1931
01:51:38,458 --> 01:51:40,593
I think we just got the winner.
1932
01:51:40,594 --> 01:51:42,663
Whoo!
1933
01:51:46,099 --> 01:51:47,701
How many of you know...
1934
01:51:49,169 --> 01:51:51,705
What a penile implant is?
1935
01:51:59,313 --> 01:51:59,999
As it's explained to me, what
happens is you got One, two.
1936
01:52:00,000 --> 01:52:02,982
As it's explained to me, what
happens is you got One, two.
1937
01:52:02,983 --> 01:52:06,752
And they are inserted
into the shaft.
1938
01:52:06,753 --> 01:52:08,088
Oh!
1939
01:52:09,356 --> 01:52:11,257
Now, to get an erection,
1940
01:52:11,258 --> 01:52:12,758
what this man does is...
1941
01:52:12,759 --> 01:52:14,227
He squeezes his pump,
1942
01:52:14,228 --> 01:52:16,262
and it forces a fluid...
1943
01:52:16,263 --> 01:52:19,032
That goes in the cylinders
into the shaft.
1944
01:52:21,468 --> 01:52:23,570
Voilà, you've got your stiffie.
1945
01:52:24,738 --> 01:52:28,608
You're good to go.
So, who's this lucky guy?
1946
01:52:28,609 --> 01:52:29,999
I mean, who is this true TV executive who
can now get his Johnson to head north...
1947
01:52:30,000 --> 01:52:32,511
I mean, who is this true TV executive who
can now get his Johnson to head north...
1948
01:52:32,512 --> 01:52:34,413
Anytime he wants?
1949
01:52:34,414 --> 01:52:36,415
I'm gonna tell you who the
lucky man is right now.
1950
01:52:36,416 --> 01:52:38,452
- Tell us, brother!
- All right then.
1951
01:52:39,419 --> 01:52:41,420
Here we go.
1952
01:52:41,421 --> 01:52:43,624
The man of the hour is Mr.--
1953
01:52:46,159 --> 01:52:48,094
Whoo!
1954
01:52:48,095 --> 01:52:51,030
True TV regrets
to inform our audience...
1955
01:52:51,031 --> 01:52:53,399
That due to circumstances
beyond our control--
1956
01:52:53,400 --> 01:52:55,568
Ed TV will no longer
be presented.
1957
01:52:55,569 --> 01:52:58,005
Whoo!
1958
01:53:00,207 --> 01:53:02,708
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
1959
01:53:02,709 --> 01:53:06,980
Who's the guy with the phony-- -
what do they expect us to do now?
1960
01:53:11,418 --> 01:53:14,654
Look, I don't know
who he was talkin' about.
1961
01:53:14,655 --> 01:53:17,390
I don't even know
whether or not it was true.
1962
01:53:17,391 --> 01:53:20,393
But he was about
to name one of you,
1963
01:53:20,394 --> 01:53:25,298
and I'll be damned if I'll have one
of my people humiliated on public--
1964
01:53:25,299 --> 01:53:29,402
I mean, not that there's anything to
be embarrassed about, if it's true.
1965
01:53:29,403 --> 01:53:29,999
The point is,
it's a normal medical--
1966
01:53:30,000 --> 01:53:31,637
The point is,
it's a normal medical--
1967
01:53:31,638 --> 01:53:34,708
What the hell are you lookin'
at, you redheaded putz?
1968
01:53:38,145 --> 01:53:41,515
Pack it up and go on home now.
Leave me in peace.
1969
01:53:43,617 --> 01:53:44,984
Don't come back now, you hear?
1970
01:53:44,985 --> 01:53:47,687
Well...
1971
01:53:47,688 --> 01:53:50,157
Back to infomercials.
1972
01:53:51,291 --> 01:53:53,093
Hey, I'm on TV! Look at me! Hi!
1973
01:53:54,528 --> 01:53:57,364
Hi, mom!
1974
01:54:02,703 --> 01:54:06,706
So ed is no longer on TV.
Sam, how did he make out?
1975
01:54:06,707 --> 01:54:09,175
Ed made out like a bandit.
1976
01:54:09,176 --> 01:54:12,178
A spokesperson for true TV announced
that ed received a check...
1977
01:54:12,179 --> 01:54:14,413
Covering his four months
on the air,
1978
01:54:14,414 --> 01:54:17,550
his balloon payment
and an additional bonus...
1979
01:54:17,551 --> 01:54:20,052
To show the network's
appreciation...
1980
01:54:20,053 --> 01:54:25,157
For all his, quote, "hard
work and loyalty," unquote.
1981
01:54:25,158 --> 01:54:29,061
When asked exactly what happened,
a true TV spokesperson said...
1982
01:54:29,062 --> 01:54:29,999
They had no official comment,
1983
01:54:30,000 --> 01:54:31,397
they had no official comment,
1984
01:54:31,398 --> 01:54:34,501
but that things
had been worked out.
1985
01:54:53,620 --> 01:54:56,489
Okay, let's do a final, uh--
1986
01:54:56,490 --> 01:54:59,091
Perhaps say good-bye
here to ed TV.
1987
01:54:59,092 --> 01:54:59,999
- Have we seen the last of ed, do you think?
- I would think so.
1988
01:55:00,000 --> 01:55:02,161
- Have we seen the last of ed, do you think?
- I would think so.
1989
01:55:02,162 --> 01:55:04,230
Five years, no one
will remember who he is.
1990
01:55:04,231 --> 01:55:06,632
Five years? Six months.
He's a macarena.
1991
01:55:06,633 --> 01:55:08,635
It's ed free TV now.
1992
01:55:36,696 --> 01:55:41,967
♪ This is real life
this is real love ♪
1993
01:55:41,968 --> 01:55:46,672
♪ this is real pain
that much I'm sure of ♪
1994
01:55:46,673 --> 01:55:51,977
♪ these are real tears
these are real fears ♪
1995
01:55:51,978 --> 01:55:54,280
♪ inside ♪
1996
01:55:54,281 --> 01:55:57,184
♪ that I can't hide ♪
1997
01:56:01,755 --> 01:56:07,726
♪ I wish that life was
like it is in the movies ♪
1998
01:56:07,727 --> 01:56:12,131
♪ 'cause the hero
always gets his way ♪
1999
01:56:12,132 --> 01:56:18,003
♪ no matter how hard it gets
on that dark, lonely road ♪
2000
01:56:18,004 --> 01:56:22,408
♪ at the end
he's got a smile on his face ♪
2001
01:56:22,409 --> 01:56:27,746
♪ but when they threw me out
to the lions ♪
2002
01:56:27,747 --> 01:56:29,999
♪ no one saved me
as I fell from your Grace ♪
2003
01:56:30,000 --> 01:56:32,551
♪ no one saved me
as I fell from your Grace ♪
2004
01:56:32,552 --> 01:56:38,290
♪ and no one wrote me new lines
for what I said wrong ♪
2005
01:56:38,291 --> 01:56:42,395
♪ and what I did wrong
I could not erase ♪
2006
01:56:43,563 --> 01:56:48,501
♪ why can't it be
like it is on TV ♪
2007
01:56:48,502 --> 01:56:53,372
♪ when the orchestra plays
and you come back to me? ♪
2008
01:56:53,373 --> 01:56:58,410
♪ This is real life
this is real love ♪
2009
01:56:58,411 --> 01:56:59,999
♪ these are real wounds
I'm bleeding from ♪
2010
01:57:00,000 --> 01:57:03,516
♪ these are real wounds
I'm bleeding from ♪
2011
01:57:03,517 --> 01:57:06,252
♪ and I realize ♪
2012
01:57:06,253 --> 01:57:09,722
♪ this is real ♪
2013
01:57:09,723 --> 01:57:13,392
♪ I always thought
that our love ♪
2014
01:57:13,393 --> 01:57:19,765
♪ was a storybook tale ♪
2015
01:57:19,766 --> 01:57:23,435
♪ god knows that
I'd never dreamed ♪
2016
01:57:23,436 --> 01:57:28,707
♪ in the end it would fail ♪
2017
01:57:28,708 --> 01:57:29,999
♪ 'cause this is real life
this is real love ♪
2018
01:57:30,000 --> 01:57:34,179
♪ 'cause this is real life
this is real love ♪
2019
01:57:34,180 --> 01:57:39,485
♪ these are real wounds
I'm bleeding from ♪
2020
01:57:39,486 --> 01:57:42,087
♪ but I realized ♪
2021
01:57:42,088 --> 01:57:48,061
♪ this is real life ♪
2022
01:57:50,096 --> 01:57:52,332
♪
2023
01:57:58,305 --> 01:57:59,999
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
2024
01:58:00,000 --> 01:58:00,440
♪ oh, yeah ♪
2025
01:58:00,441 --> 01:58:02,709
♪ oh, yeah ♪
2026
01:58:04,578 --> 01:58:09,615
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2027
01:58:09,616 --> 01:58:13,652
♪ again ♪ ♪ yes, baby,
baby baby, yeah ♪
2028
01:58:13,653 --> 01:58:16,055
♪ I wanna thank you,
oh, from my soul ♪
2029
01:58:16,056 --> 01:58:18,524
♪ thank you for lettin'
me be myself ♪
2030
01:58:18,525 --> 01:58:20,427
♪ again ♪
2031
01:58:23,597 --> 01:58:26,099
♪ dance to the music ♪
2032
01:58:28,034 --> 01:58:29,970
♪ all night long ♪
2033
01:58:32,505 --> 01:58:35,075
♪ everyday people ♪
2034
01:58:37,110 --> 01:58:39,079
♪ sing a simple song ♪
2035
01:58:41,581 --> 01:58:43,683
♪ papa's so excited ♪
2036
01:58:46,119 --> 01:58:48,021
♪ mama comes alive ♪
2037
01:58:50,523 --> 01:58:53,026
♪ sister's up there shakin' ♪
2038
01:58:55,028 --> 01:58:57,197
♪ I can't believe my eyes ♪
2039
01:58:58,698 --> 01:58:59,999
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2040
01:59:00,000 --> 01:59:03,669
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2041
01:59:03,670 --> 01:59:05,672
♪ again ♪
2042
01:59:07,540 --> 01:59:12,645
♪ I wanna thank you, oh ♪ ♪ thank
you for lettin' me be myself ♪
2043
01:59:12,646 --> 01:59:14,480
♪ again ♪
2044
01:59:14,481 --> 01:59:16,316
♪ oh, my soul ♪
2045
01:59:17,450 --> 01:59:19,586
♪ mama's so happy ♪
2046
01:59:22,088 --> 01:59:24,024
♪ the girl is 'bout to cry ♪
2047
01:59:26,559 --> 01:59:28,995
♪ papa's still singin' ♪
2048
01:59:30,530 --> 01:59:32,999
♪ you can make it if you try ♪
2049
01:59:34,668 --> 01:59:40,139
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2050
01:59:40,140 --> 01:59:43,509
♪ again ♪ ♪ yes, baby,
baby baby, yeah ♪
2051
01:59:43,510 --> 01:59:49,181
♪ I wanna thank you, oh ♪ ♪ thank
you for lettin' me be myself ♪
2052
01:59:49,182 --> 01:59:50,516
♪ again ♪
2053
01:59:50,517 --> 01:59:53,185
♪ oh, my soul ♪
2054
01:59:53,186 --> 01:59:56,089
♪ so dance to the music ♪
2055
01:59:58,158 --> 01:59:59,999
♪ all night long
night long, night long ♪
2056
02:00:00,000 --> 02:00:02,628
♪ all night long
night long, night long ♪
2057
02:00:02,629 --> 02:00:05,031
♪ everyday people ♪
2058
02:00:07,133 --> 02:00:09,169
♪ sing a simple song ♪
2059
02:00:10,470 --> 02:00:15,674
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2060
02:00:15,675 --> 02:00:17,277
♪ again ♪
2061
02:00:19,713 --> 02:00:22,748
♪ I wanna thank you,
oh, from my soul ♪
2062
02:00:22,749 --> 02:00:24,650
♪ for lettin' me be myself ♪
2063
02:00:24,651 --> 02:00:26,252
♪ again ♪
2064
02:00:29,222 --> 02:00:29,999
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2065
02:00:30,000 --> 02:00:33,759
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2066
02:00:33,760 --> 02:00:38,630
♪ again ♪ ♪ yes, baby,
baby baby, yeah ♪
2067
02:00:38,631 --> 02:00:42,634
♪ thank you, oh ♪ ♪ thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2068
02:00:42,635 --> 02:00:44,237
♪ again ♪
2069
02:00:47,006 --> 02:00:49,742
♪ I wanna thank you,
oh, from my soul ♪
2070
02:00:49,743 --> 02:00:51,744
♪ for lettin' me be myself ♪
2071
02:00:51,745 --> 02:00:53,346
♪ again ♪
2072
02:00:55,582 --> 02:00:59,999
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2073
02:01:00,000 --> 02:01:01,086
♪ I wanna thank you
for lettin' me be myself ♪
2074
02:01:01,087 --> 02:01:05,157
♪ again ♪ ♪ baby,
baby baby, yeah ♪
2075
02:01:05,158 --> 02:01:07,993
♪ I wanna thank you,
oh, from my soul ♪
2076
02:01:07,994 --> 02:01:09,995
♪ for lettin' me be myself ♪
2077
02:01:09,996 --> 02:01:11,397
♪ again ♪
2078
02:01:14,667 --> 02:01:18,971
♪ thank you for lettin' me
be myself ♪
2079
02:01:18,972 --> 02:01:20,373
♪ again ♪
2080
02:01:23,710 --> 02:01:28,013
♪ thank you for lettin' me
be myself ♪
2081
02:01:28,014 --> 02:01:29,415
♪ again ♪