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00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,757
MAN: - This is the story of my brave,
foolish friend, Harry Deane.
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00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:29,927
Mr Deane's work
as an art curator in London
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00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:33,380
had gone, he felt,
largely unappreciated.
4
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:37,388
He told me of countless insults
suffered at the hands of his employer,
5
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:42,394
Lionel Shabandar,
media tycoon, art collector
6
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,066
and an absolute brute of a fellow.
7
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:48,146
Do not touch my person. You!
8
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,526
- Yes, my lord?
- Idiot! Give me your boot.
9
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:55,070
40 years ago,
I'd have called this Shabandar a cad.
10
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,780
Now the prevailing parlance
for a fellow of this type
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00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:01,499
is, I believe, shitbag.
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00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,622
Hello.
13
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,749
This bloody thing is not operational.
14
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:07,672
MAN: Ah, well, that's because,
I believe, my lord...
15
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:11,093
Because you believe what,
you steaming turd?
16
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:14,588
Now he would have his revenge,
17
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,220
for Mr Deane had a plan.
18
00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:19,848
To be grandiose, a heist.
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00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,725
To be accurate, a bit of a thieving.
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00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,898
This is where I came in.
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00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:30,355
I am, you see,
a rather capable forger of fine art.
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00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:34,609
I was pleased my little hobby
might prove of use to him.
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00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:40,198
The plan relied on securing the aid
of one PJ Puznowski.
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00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:44,376
"Find this Puznowski," Mr Deane told me,
25
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:47,921
and it would all fall nicely into place.
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Excuse me.
We were given to understand
27
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that there was an equestrian tourney
in the area.
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00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,219
Well, we got a law attorney,
29
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,552
don't know his religion,
up downtown Alpine.
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00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,513
He's a fairy.
31
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,436
Moved here from Albuquerque,
32
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,519
it'll be five, no,
six years ago, come May.
33
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,354
Not that I judge.
34
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:16,067
How terribly interesting, but is there
a tournament of some description
35
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,026
with various rowdy goings-on?
36
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:21,158
Rough-riding,
bronc-busting sort of thing.
37
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:25,709
It's a competition.
A test of skill involving farm animals.
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00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,162
Yippee-ai-yay.
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00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,497
(CHEERING)
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ANNOUNCER: Alright, Pecos!
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00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:36,254
This is the West of the Pecos Rodeo,
featuring America's number-one team,
42
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:41,058
Team Ghostrider with Tim Lepard
and his cowboy monkeys.
43
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,638
Go on, Suzie! Go get 'em!
44
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:52,774
And it's brought to you by Charlie
Goodnight and all those good people
45
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,902
down at Charlie Goodnight's
Implements 'n' Feed.
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00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,876
Let's put some hands together
for the monkeys!
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00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:15,468
And first out of the chute
is PJ Puznowski from down Terlingua way.
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00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:16,759
There.
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00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:21,966
Gonna try to put a rope around Rodney
from the Lazy L Sickle Y Bar Ranch.
50
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,268
And, folks,
Rodney ain't gonna be heppin' any.
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00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:39,863
That's 11.7 for PJ Puznowski!
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00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,411
- That's her.
- Alright, Jammies!
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00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,036
♪ If you wanna go
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00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,580
♪ Let's go rodeo
55
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:56,792
♪ If you wanna rock
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00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,674
What makes you so certain
she'll be game?
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00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:03,264
Good God, she works in a poultry
processing plant for minimum wage.
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00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:06,844
- You think she'll turn this down?
- How much are you going to tell her?
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00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,430
Just as much as she needs to know.
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00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,482
WOMAN: That's nice.
61
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:32,620
This is Major Nigel Nelson-Wingate,
King's African Rifles, retired.
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- Sunday painter.
- Madam.
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00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:44,260
HARRY: Now, the simple question is,
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how would you like to make
half a million pounds sterling?
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I have a little plan.
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Straight?
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00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,336
CHAUFFEUR: - Have a good day, sir.
- Shut up.
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00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:31,186
- Sorry, sir.
- Bloody hell, man, be careful!
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00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,059
WOMAN: Shabandar Media.
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00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:37,314
I wonder if you might approve this last
photo layout for the Horse and Hunt.
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00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,024
Is there a problem, sir?
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00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,319
Slazenger, give me a loupe.
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00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,794
Haystacks, Dusk.
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00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,506
Get me Harry Deane.
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00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,847
Old man just called me up.
76
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,307
Yes, he's expecting you.
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00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,556
LIONEL: - No, no, no.
- Oh, I am sorry, sir.
78
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,308
What? Come in.
Have them proof it quick as possible.
79
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:21,020
We'll try and get it into next month's.
Deane, sit down.
80
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:25,403
Have a look at these.
81
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,739
I've sent the plane
to collect this woman.
82
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,662
Arrives at Heathrow in about an hour.
You'll pick her up.
83
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,991
Interesting. Oh, I see, the painting.
84
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,920
- A reproduction, though, in my opinion.
- Bloody hell. Based on what?
85
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,544
On the fact that it's hanging
on the wall of a caravan, sir, in Texas.
86
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:46,754
Yes, precisely.
But whose caravan, you plank?
87
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:52,096
- The cowgirl, sir.
- Puznowski, Deane.
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00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:56,601
PJ Puznowski. Think, man.
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You stupid bastard, what!
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00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,616
HARRY: Welcome to London.
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00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:19,373
Before we throw you
into the thick of it,
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00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,625
I should give you a bit
of the history.
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00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,874
Monet's Haystacks.
94
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:29,171
On September 15th, 1891, during
the course of one very productive day,
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00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,097
the master Impressionist
96
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,550
finished two oii paintings:
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00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,682
"Haystacks, Dawn",
"Haystacks, Dusk".
98
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:40,231
"Haystacks, Dawn" was traded
amongst various private collectors
99
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,558
over the years.
100
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:45,020
"Haystacks, Dusk" was put on display
in Paris at the Jeu de Paume.
101
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:48,277
That is,
until the Nazi occupation of 1941.
102
00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,953
"Haystacks, Dusk"
was carted off to Carinhall,
103
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,119
the private residence
of Air Marshal Hermann Göring,
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for the delectation of his eyes only.
105
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:05,382
In 1945, Carinhall is overrun
by the first division of Patton's army,
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00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,208
the Big Red One.
107
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:14,183
The point platoon is led
by Sergeant Brian "Bulldog" Puznowski,
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00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:16,635
the Killer of Kilgore, Texas.
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00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,186
Your grandfather.
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00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,898
For the next 67 years,
the whereabouts of Haystacks, Dusk
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00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:25,352
has proved one of the art world's
most tantalising mysteries.
112
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,187
And what is all this to Shabandar?
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00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:30,194
A man of outsized appetites
and enormous enthusiasms,
114
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,948
and no few eccentricities;
an avid nudist, a case in point.
115
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:37,663
Owing to his considerable fortune
and my not inconsiderable knowledge,
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00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:40,117
he has assembled
the most important collection
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00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,749
of Impressionist masterpieces
in private hands.
118
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,421
The prize? Haystacks, Dawn.
119
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:49,627
Acquired at auction 20 years ago
in spirited bidding.
120
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:53,634
The bid is with the gentleman
on the aisle. The bid is £8 million.
121
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,557
MAN: - Good heavens.
- I have eight and a quarter.
122
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,227
The bid is with the gentleman
on my left.
123
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:04,474
The bid is against you, sir. The bid
is eight and a quarter million pounds.
124
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:07,819
Shabandar rolled
all his competitive impulses into a ball
125
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:11,273
and outbid his great rival,
Akira Takagawa.
126
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:15,573
He purchased the painting
for £11 million.
127
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,910
His ownership of the one has merely
whet his appetite for the other.
128
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,917
For years now, Shabandar
has been seeking Haystacks, Dusk
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00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,124
with a passion
bordering on monomania.
130
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:30,675
When he saw that photograph,
131
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:34,755
Shabandar conducted his own
investigation into your family history.
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00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:37,716
Best to let the fish
work the hook in himself, eh, Major?
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00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:39,722
Much the best, Mr Deane.
134
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,224
He will want to negotiate
the price with you.
135
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:45,182
You must stick at 12 million.
136
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,142
Pounds.
137
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:51,321
He'll pay it,
no matter how much he protests.
138
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:56,986
Be firm. Be polite, but firm.
139
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:03,033
He will try to charm you.
He will try to impress you.
140
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,535
LIONEL: - Ms Puznowski!
- He will try to...
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00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,871
An honour! Welcome, welcome.
142
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,423
Painting in the gallery, men.
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00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:13,593
I knew a Koznowski once,
charming man, no relation I suppose.
144
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:17,923
Baron Koznowski. Quite the equestrian.
Man had horse blood in his veins.
145
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,638
This way, please.
146
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:23,596
Right, let's take a look, shall we?
147
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,726
Mere formality, of course.
148
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,899
Oh, yes.
149
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,436
So...
150
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,446
What do you think, Deane?
151
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:41,746
- Yes, I'll need a few moments, sir.
- Oh, yes. Quite.
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00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,329
LIONEL: You may not realise it,
Ms Puznowski,
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00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:49,671
but Harry Deane knows Monet
like I know...
154
00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:54,045
Actually, I don't know anything
quite like that.
155
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:57,925
The artist has used a light ground
true to Monet's habit.
156
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:01,850
The palette is very limited,
no blacks or browns.
157
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:06,054
Cerulean blue and cadmium yellow
to achieve his broken colour.
158
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:10,142
And unlike the heartbreaking fraud
perpetrated on the Austrians,
159
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:12,147
the signature is correct.
160
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:18,825
It is Monet and it is very fine indeed.
161
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,824
And that, Mr Deane,
is good enough for me.
162
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,869
Shall we discuss terms?
163
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:38,636
(WHIRRING)
164
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:40,721
WOMAN: System armed.
165
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,392
System armed.
166
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,331
(MEOWS)
- Hello, kitty.
167
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,870
Your wages.
168
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:15,999
£500,000 and your ticket home.
First class, of course.
169
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:19,882
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Please, do not thank us.
170
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:23,591
It is the Major and I who should be
thanking you for the self-possession,
171
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:27,849
the good humour and the élan with which
you played your small but vital part.
172
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:31,056
- Eh, Major?
- Hear, hear, sir. Jolly well played.
173
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:34,609
HARRY: We should be arriving
at Heathrow in mere minutes.
174
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:35,776
MAJOR: Mr Deane.
175
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:40,573
Mr Deane? Mr Deane.
176
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,535
Shouldn't have to tell her
any more than that.
177
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:48,080
Quite right.
But you will have to talk to her.
178
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,871
Hmm.
179
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,000
Back in a flash.
180
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:06,555
MAJOR: Mr Deane, for all his talents,
was given to one particular flaw.
181
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,761
He saw the world
as he wished to see it.
182
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:15,271
But, as we know, an optimist is simply
a man who hasn't heard the news.
183
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:18,144
As my time in the African Rifles
had taught me,
184
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:22,323
one ignored the elephant in the room
at one's peril.
185
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:26,028
Half a million pounds sterling.
Half a million...
186
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,829
- Hello.
- I believe the lady said get lost.
187
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,416
MAJOR: I'll take the chunky one!
188
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,374
MAN: Gonna open a can of whup-ass
on you now.
189
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,674
Major, for heaven's sake,
just be gentle.
190
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,926
- I'm trying to get...
- No, that's enough.
191
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,600
- Those people are barbarians.
- Other countries, other customs.
192
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:53,347
- How are we going to meet this woman?
- I remember one night in Botswana...
193
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,807
She's surrounded
by a Cro-Magnon Swiss Guard.
194
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:59,690
This wasn't the plan, Major.
How are we going to get back on plan?
195
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:02,613
You boys OK, huh?
196
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,816
Faces still on right ways round?
197
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:09,037
Yes, thank you.
All present and correct.
198
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,536
PJ: I do apologise on Merle.
He just loves a brawl.
199
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,539
Nose been broke so many times,
he had the cartilage taken out
200
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:18,087
so there wouldn't be downtime
between bar fights.
201
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:22,425
An expedient we might consider
if we spend much more time in Texas.
202
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,337
Heigh ho, friend.
I wouldn't recommend it.
203
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:30,095
May I draw your attention to the matter
which brought us here to meet you?
204
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,303
Sure.
205
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:38,392
PJ: So you're saying
that's like $800,000 American? Wow!
206
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,693
HARRY: We don't have the money yet.
207
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,363
PJ: - But it's gonna work out, right?
HARRY: - As long as we stay on plan.
208
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:47,783
PJ: Sounds like you really wanna
stick it to this guy. Here we are.
209
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:52,246
(MAN ON TV)
Inside is a man who weighs half a ton.
210
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:56,118
Michael was fork-lifted onto a stretcher
for transporting killer whales.
211
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,999
Shame! Shame!
212
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,082
Hey, Grandma! Alright, well, here it is.
Take your pick.
213
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:05,008
- Plenty of walls to choose from.
- Good morning.
214
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,178
Too fat!
215
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:13,055
Major, if you'd like to set
your camera up over there.
216
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:16,555
Perhaps if your grandmother
would move over for a moment.
217
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:22,064
Grandma Merle, these nice people
wanna take a picture here in the house.
218
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,271
Is everyone in this state named Merle?
219
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:27,524
- There you go.
- Good God. Is she unwell?
220
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,110
Oh, no, she's fine.
Grandma Merle just chews.
221
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,992
Ms Puznowski, could you slide
a little closer to your grandmother?
222
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:39,540
Ready, ladies? Say cheese.
223
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:45,675
WOMAN: Hard facts,
honest reporting. Shabandar.
224
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:48,424
His door is rather firmly shut
at the moment.
225
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:51,756
- Would you care to wait?
- Yes, thank you, I'll wait.
226
00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:00,849
WOMAN: Lionel Shabandar
explains his formula for success
227
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:04,185
in his startling
new autobiography, "Me".
228
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:12,493
Welcome to the jungle.
We're here to help you cut through...
229
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,570
Huh!
230
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,583
Shabandar Media. Creating...
231
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,224
Go right in, Mr Deane.
232
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,429
- Your lordship...
LIONEL: - Yes, Deane?
233
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,522
That's a very nice suit, sir.
234
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,854
- What?
- Nothing.
235
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:52,613
I was leafing through the advance
on the Horse and Hunt the other day.
236
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,787
- The layout pages.
- Why on earth were you doing that?
237
00:19:56,946 --> 00:20:00,667
Well, as a matter of fact, it's...
Well, why be coy?
238
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:04,791
It's a simple explanation,
so simple, in fact, that I...
239
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,716
Well, it's my favourite of your...
of your publications, sir.
240
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,803
Our publications
here at Shabandar Media.
241
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:17,884
Without wanting to overstate things,
I would say it may be my favourite...
242
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:23,098
publication ever, without the...
qualification of Shabandar Media,
243
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,557
et cetera, et cetera.
244
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,143
- Do you ride?
- Good God, no.
245
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,603
That is, I have ridden.
246
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:31,690
A birthday party. They had ponies.
Little Shetland ponies.
247
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:34,195
We traipsed around
in a circle in the garden.
248
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:37,495
I was, oh, six, seven years old.
249
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,373
It was my friend
Bobby Montaigne's birthday party.
250
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:43,913
He's a speech pathologist now.
251
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,372
And how well I remember it.
Made a deep impression, sir.
252
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:50,880
- Is there something I can help with?
- Yes, sir, there is. Thank you.
253
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,220
You see, I snuck an advance peek,
as I said, at the Horse and Hunt.
254
00:20:54,295 --> 00:20:57,720
I was struck most particularly
by the piece on this PJ Puznowski,
255
00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,846
the Texan horse person.
256
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:04,146
Equestrienne,
not a mutant or a mythical creature.
257
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:09,986
One imagines a... well, the bosom
of a woman and the hindquarters of...
258
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,279
- Did you happen to see it, sir?
- Yes.
259
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,865
I was struck by one particular picture.
260
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,157
Haystacks, Dusk.
261
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:20,579
- Yes. Exactly, sir.
- A reproduction, of course.
262
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:24,375
Really? You think so, sir?
Based on what, if I may ask?
263
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:28,830
Based on the fact that it was hanging on
the wall of a bloody caravan in Texas.
264
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,627
There is that.
265
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:34,130
- Is that all?
- Yes, sir.
266
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,296
Thank you.
267
00:21:38,172 --> 00:21:41,426
But shouldn't we check, do research?
I could put together a memo.
268
00:21:41,509 --> 00:21:45,184
- One of your memos, yes.
- The painting is so rarely reproduced,
269
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,640
I don't even know
if I've seen a reproduction.
270
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:51,273
And it's the very incongruity of it,
hanging, as you so discerningly...
271
00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:54,731
Fine. Ring this woman up
and ask if she has an original Monet
272
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:59,570
on the wall in Shitbird, Texas.
273
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:05,249
MAJOR: - Did he bite, our little fishy?
- He's not hooked yet.
274
00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:08,495
- But he's circling the bait.
- Not sure I follow you, old thing.
275
00:22:08,619 --> 00:22:11,748
He's seen the painting
and he's considering being intrigued.
276
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:14,175
- Considering?
- Considering being, yes.
277
00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:16,378
- Where's the girl?
- In a hotel in Dallas.
278
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:20,260
- Why is she in a hotel in Dallas?
- The passport office is there.
279
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:23,639
It turns out that the dear girl's
never been out of the country.
280
00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:28,644
Now, ordinarily, a passport takes
eight weeks, but they can expedite.
281
00:22:28,764 --> 00:22:32,189
Pay a couple of hundred pounds,
they'll hurry it along.
282
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:36,239
That's very nice of them.
Couple of hundred.
283
00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:38,315
Right.
284
00:22:42,403 --> 00:22:43,950
Your post, Mr Deane.
285
00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:52,792
HARRY: It is extraordinary, isn't it?
286
00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:56,877
Well, it's very amusing if you should
turn out to have been right.
287
00:22:56,959 --> 00:23:01,055
I am here to amuse, sir.
So shall we bring her in?
288
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:05,636
- Who?
- The cowgirl, sir. PJ Puznowski.
289
00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:09,143
Her grandfather, and all this
confirmed in the US military records,
290
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:10,564
Bulldog Puznowski.
291
00:23:10,681 --> 00:23:13,560
Yes, yes, I read the memo,
but why would I bring her in?
292
00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:17,146
If the painting is real
and if she wants to sell it,
293
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:20,859
I certainly don't want to seem
overly eager. No, no, no, no.
294
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:23,990
Ring her up and tell her
if ever she finds herself in London,
295
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:27,198
I'd be happy to carve out
a few minutes for a chat.
296
00:23:27,281 --> 00:23:30,034
Let her invest
in the deal coming off.
297
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:33,792
- I see, sir. It's brilliant.
- Nonsense, Deane. It's elementary.
298
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:36,836
- Prat.
- Wanker.
299
00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:40,966
HARRY: - Unrestricted economy fare.
- That's what they call it, sir.
300
00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:44,260
Of course, they use the word "economy"
with a certain looseness.
301
00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:47,344
Looseness? It's a positive leap
of the poetic imagination.
302
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,269
Very good, sir. Well put.
303
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:51,939
- Still, we can't count our pennies.
- Oh, no, sir.
304
00:23:52,014 --> 00:23:54,767
Not with millions in the offing.
305
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:58,195
- There she is.
- Great to meet you. You take care.
306
00:23:59,605 --> 00:24:01,949
Hey, boys! Hi!
307
00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:07,408
Wow. That was a very comfortable flight.
308
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,372
Excellent. Welcome to London.
309
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:12,952
Thank you. Oh, thank you, Major.
310
00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:16,588
Yes, still holding.
311
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,167
Can't see her today? Any time today?
312
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:23,424
At the end of the day, could he see her?
Needn't take long.
313
00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:29,219
No, I understand. No, I understand.
314
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,303
Right. Cheers.
315
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:37,317
(RHYTHMIC THUDDING)
316
00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:01,508
Hey! Is this bothering you?
317
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:04,754
Not at all.
318
00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:06,805
- I'm going to make some tea.
- OK.
319
00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:14,814
- What you got hanging here?
- Sorry?
320
00:25:14,888 --> 00:25:17,767
On your wall. Is this a Monet?
321
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,022
Careful.
322
00:25:22,438 --> 00:25:25,783
Alfred Sisley. They were contemporaries.
323
00:25:29,153 --> 00:25:31,451
It's of his son, Pierre.
324
00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:34,204
The boy was ten at the time, I think.
325
00:25:35,117 --> 00:25:37,415
Sure is small.
326
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:42,295
It cost me a ridiculous amount of money.
Rather put me in a hole.
327
00:25:44,168 --> 00:25:46,341
I like it.
328
00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:49,131
It's nice.
329
00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:53,140
It's very beautiful.
330
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:55,220
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
331
00:25:58,265 --> 00:26:00,609
- Good morning.
- You know what time it is, mate?
332
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:02,732
Yes, Mr Knowles. It's just coming...
333
00:26:04,897 --> 00:26:06,899
Morning.
334
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:14,657
PJ: Psst. Come on, wake up.
He can see us now.
335
00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:19,291
WOMAN: Creating and distributing news,
sports and entertainment.
336
00:26:19,369 --> 00:26:22,623
PJ: - Come on, let's go.
WOMAN: - It's a jungle out there.
337
00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:25,710
The lion's share of the world's media.
338
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:29,464
Shabandar. Hear us roar.
339
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:31,093
(LION ROARS)
340
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,847
HARRY: - Let me do the talking.
PJ: - Sure.
341
00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:35,348
Ms Puznowski.
342
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,521
- Howdy.
- Delighted to meet you.
343
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,724
Good grief, Deane.
What happened to you?
344
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:43,318
A fellow in the pub expressed
a preference for Matisse over Cézanne.
345
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,737
Had to set him straight.
I'm joking, of course.
346
00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:48,441
Love Matisse. Use of colour.
347
00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:52,904
No, bent down to pick something up,
bookshelf in the way. Hello, bango.
348
00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:55,284
So, shall we sit?
349
00:26:55,364 --> 00:26:57,617
So, how do you find London?
350
00:26:57,699 --> 00:27:01,124
Well, everybody knows
the answer to that one.
351
00:27:01,203 --> 00:27:03,046
You turn right at Greenland.
352
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:06,883
Indeed. And where are you staying?
353
00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:11,510
Er, well, one of them,
erm, big hotels downtown.
354
00:27:11,588 --> 00:27:14,387
I can't remember the name of it.
You remember, Harry?
355
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:15,809
- Connaught.
- Me neither.
356
00:27:15,968 --> 00:27:18,266
- But it's one of them big ones.
- The Connaught.
357
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,814
We spoke about the Connaught Hotel.
358
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:26,070
That's a stupid name.
Staff seems pretty can-do.
359
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:28,239
LIONEL:
You certain about the Connaught?
360
00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:29,986
- Sorry?
- It's fine, I suppose.
361
00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:33,285
But I'll make a few calls,
get our friend in at the Savoy.
362
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,829
- I much prefer it.
- Sir, there's really no need.
363
00:27:35,946 --> 00:27:39,450
Let him do it, Harry. I'm sure
the service is plenty good there, too.
364
00:27:39,533 --> 00:27:42,207
Good anywhere, I reckon,
if you got the do-re-mi.
365
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:43,954
And I don't mind shelling it out.
366
00:27:44,037 --> 00:27:48,918
I guess Harry here told you about
this here painting I'm aiming to unload.
367
00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:52,972
Ms Puznowski feels that in light of
the precedential value of the piece...
368
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:55,140
LIONEL: You're hardly her agent, Deane.
369
00:27:55,215 --> 00:28:00,312
And anyway, Ms Puznowski seems
perfectly capable of expressing herself.
370
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:03,061
PJ: - Well, yes, sir.
(CHAIR BANGS)
371
00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:05,484
Yes, sir. English is my mother tongue.
372
00:28:05,559 --> 00:28:08,403
But you don't have to Ms Puznowski me.
373
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:10,822
No, you can call me PJ. Or Jammies.
374
00:28:10,898 --> 00:28:14,493
That's my rodeo handle.
Or Philomena, which is my real name.
375
00:28:14,568 --> 00:28:18,448
Well, thank you, PJ.
And you may call me Lionel.
376
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:21,033
Let's hope doing business
on a first-name basis
377
00:28:21,116 --> 00:28:24,495
will be conducive to plain speaking
and clear understanding.
378
00:28:24,578 --> 00:28:27,252
Amen to that, Lionel.
379
00:28:27,331 --> 00:28:29,379
Well, then, let's get to it.
380
00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:31,711
I want £12 million
for this here picture.
381
00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:34,342
That's 6,000 tons
if I've clone my math right.
382
00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:38,016
And maybe you'd like to throw in
a nice four-by-four to haul it off in,
383
00:28:38,091 --> 00:28:42,096
with an auto tranny, a CD deck
and graduated tint on the windshields.
384
00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:43,806
Please and thank you.
385
00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:48,311
Well, that's marvellous,
and tell me, PJ,
386
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:51,863
what makes you think
this painting is worth £12 million?
387
00:28:52,814 --> 00:28:58,412
Well, Lionel, first off, it's oil.
Ain't it, Harry?
388
00:28:58,487 --> 00:29:01,661
Indeed, the medium is oil,
and its provenance is promising.
389
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:09,840
But I would like to take it to your
country house to compare it to its mate.
390
00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:12,506
LIONEL: - Is it being shipped in?
- Arrives Tuesday.
391
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:14,678
LIONEL: You can run it up to the house.
392
00:29:14,753 --> 00:29:17,051
We'll take a look at it
at the gala on Wednesday.
393
00:29:17,130 --> 00:29:19,553
- You've never been to the house.
- No, sir, no. I...
394
00:29:19,633 --> 00:29:22,227
LIONEL: I have an annual party
up at the estate.
395
00:29:22,302 --> 00:29:25,806
That sounds nice. That's another thing
I got going in my favour.
396
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:27,687
You've got this other Haystacks,
397
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:31,191
and the man ain't churning 'em out,
what with his being dead an' all.
398
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:36,442
So, looks like if you want the set,
I got you by the short and curlies.
399
00:29:36,525 --> 00:29:39,870
I don't think it's a situation
of one party trying to subdue the other.
400
00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:43,666
Nonsense. It's a pleasure doing business
with someone who knows her position
401
00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:46,209
and is able to clearly set it out.
402
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:51,424
Unfortunately I have
another appointment at 11 o'clock.
403
00:29:51,498 --> 00:29:53,717
But I believe this is worth pursuing.
404
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:57,888
Let's see if we mightn't find
some common ground.
405
00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:00,591
Why, thank you. A gentleman.
406
00:30:02,426 --> 00:30:03,598
Thank you.
407
00:30:03,677 --> 00:30:06,647
I'm booked the rest of the day
and I have a business dinner.
408
00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:10,693
But a thought occurs to me. Perhaps
you might be my dinner companion.
409
00:30:10,767 --> 00:30:14,738
We'd have time to talk and you might
even help me with a business matter.
410
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:16,861
Thank you. That would be delightful.
411
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:21,867
Don't bother yourself, Deane.
I'm sure PJ and I can handle things.
412
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:23,822
To plain speaking.
413
00:30:23,905 --> 00:30:25,782
- Yes, sir.
- Going down.
414
00:30:25,866 --> 00:30:28,289
- Shall we say eight o'clock?
- Sure.
415
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:29,620
Pick you up at...?
416
00:30:29,703 --> 00:30:32,422
- The Savoy.
- Why not?
417
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:42,933
MAJOR: As I drove the two of them
to the most expensive hotel in London,
418
00:30:43,008 --> 00:30:46,387
I was rather taken by Ms Puznowski.
419
00:30:46,470 --> 00:30:52,193
Her invigorating lack of decorum
would have enraptured my younger self.
420
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:54,941
Still, for the successful execution
of the plan,
421
00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:59,400
Mr Deane would require a firm hand
to bring her into line.
422
00:30:59,483 --> 00:31:03,283
I won't deny
I doubted the strength of his wrists.
423
00:31:03,362 --> 00:31:05,660
HARRY: I don't think
I need to remind you, do I,
424
00:31:05,739 --> 00:31:07,616
of the consequences
of room service?
425
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:10,248
PJ: - Uh-huh.
- This place is absurdly expensive.
426
00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:12,830
Well, this was all your idea.
427
00:31:12,913 --> 00:31:16,008
- Not your actually staying here.
- It's not my fault neither.
428
00:31:16,166 --> 00:31:19,591
We told him our story and either
we keep laying on the bamboozlement
429
00:31:19,669 --> 00:31:21,592
or we might as well
pack it in and go home.
430
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:24,891
Mamacita! I bet this place has cable.
431
00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:27,803
What are you doing?
432
00:31:29,179 --> 00:31:31,477
The Major gave me a rag to dry this
433
00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:34,355
and, good God,
I believe it has motor oil on it.
434
00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:38,989
Hello. Do you have a single room?
435
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:43,319
Very, very small. Tiny, in fact.
Just for one evening.
436
00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:45,450
Certainly, sir. I'll just take a look.
437
00:31:45,529 --> 00:31:49,830
Not even the whole evening necessarily.
We could just use it for...
438
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:53,253
We are rather hemmed in
at the moment, sir.
439
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:58,630
All I see for this evening is a very
comfortable suite overlooking the river.
440
00:31:58,708 --> 00:32:00,551
We'll take it.
441
00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:02,345
Hold on. What's the tariff?
442
00:32:02,421 --> 00:32:06,426
Hoss, if you're gonna nickel-and-dime
me, we can call this whole thing off.
443
00:32:06,508 --> 00:32:10,433
- I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
- Why would you have second thoughts?
444
00:32:10,512 --> 00:32:12,731
There's moral issues. Right and wrong.
445
00:32:12,806 --> 00:32:14,308
What would my momma have said
446
00:32:14,391 --> 00:32:17,691
if she saw me deceiving somebody
with you and your little Major?
447
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:21,069
The Major has made quite a mess here.
It's really embarrassing.
448
00:32:21,148 --> 00:32:24,277
PJ: - Don't you feel a little ashamed?
- I'm not remotely ashamed.
449
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:26,657
- Just run that through.
- Sir, I already have.
450
00:32:26,736 --> 00:32:30,707
There seems to be a problem with this
card. Perhaps you've exceeded the limit.
451
00:32:30,782 --> 00:32:35,709
Bloody hell. Alright, try the... This
is a mistake. Try the American Express.
452
00:32:35,787 --> 00:32:38,586
I don't know why I worry.
You ain't up to it anyway.
453
00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:41,760
- You or the Major.
HARRY: - The Major is quite capable.
454
00:32:41,835 --> 00:32:44,213
(LAUGHS) Well!
- What? What's the laugh for?
455
00:32:44,296 --> 00:32:47,220
Laughing at the Major?
He's handled better than you.
456
00:32:47,299 --> 00:32:49,768
He's been in any number
of sticky spots in and out.
457
00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:52,434
Should you choose to play coy
this late in the game,
458
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:53,764
the Major would be aroused
459
00:32:53,889 --> 00:32:56,642
and I could not be held responsible
for the consequences.
460
00:32:56,725 --> 00:32:59,649
From what I've seen,
ain't nothin' gonna arouse the Major.
461
00:32:59,728 --> 00:33:02,777
Very good, sir.
This one worked brilliantly.
462
00:33:02,856 --> 00:33:06,486
There you are. That's room 344.
463
00:33:07,277 --> 00:33:10,907
This evening, it is very important
to stay on topic. Keep it businesslike.
464
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:14,084
The man is not above mixing
the professional with the personal
465
00:33:14,159 --> 00:33:16,878
- to get what he wants.
- What's that supposed to mean?
466
00:33:16,953 --> 00:33:20,674
Don't make me say it.
The man is... Well, he's a cad.
467
00:33:20,749 --> 00:33:23,878
He's up to something.
He excluded me from your little date.
468
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:29,467
Hell, maybe I don't mind being seduced,
chased after by a multi-zillionaire.
469
00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:31,889
I don't know,
that don't sound so terrible.
470
00:33:31,968 --> 00:33:35,893
What a depraved point of view.
The man's money makes him attractive?
471
00:33:35,972 --> 00:33:38,816
Yeah. Momma always called
money and manners
472
00:33:38,892 --> 00:33:40,815
the pork and beans of personality.
473
00:33:40,894 --> 00:33:44,068
- What an odd woman.
- There we are. 344, right?
474
00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:48,152
And I beg you,
do not abuse the minibar.
475
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,578
Is that...
476
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:56,701
Good God!
477
00:33:58,828 --> 00:34:01,206
- It's a Ming.
PJ: - Harry.
478
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:02,461
Key.
479
00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:04,464
(PJ LAUGHS)
480
00:34:07,212 --> 00:34:09,886
- That's your side.
- This is a real nice car, Lionel.
481
00:34:09,965 --> 00:34:12,059
- It's nicer than my house.
- Indeed.
482
00:34:12,133 --> 00:34:14,010
PJ: Would you classify this as a limo?
483
00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:15,892
LIONEL: Well, I suppose you could.
484
00:34:25,105 --> 00:34:28,200
Shabandar.
485
00:34:28,275 --> 00:34:29,993
Yes. Good to see you.
486
00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:34,915
Martin Zaidenweber,
this is PJ Puznowski.
487
00:34:34,990 --> 00:34:39,166
- This is her? It's so nice to meet you.
- It's very nice to see you too.
488
00:34:39,244 --> 00:34:43,044
- Are you excited to be here in London?
- I'm so excited. It's my first time.
489
00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,251
No! No, come on.
490
00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:49,383
Now, I have heard about this painting.
I mean, what a story.
491
00:34:49,462 --> 00:34:52,056
Almost incredible. Almost incredible.
492
00:34:52,132 --> 00:34:54,134
I thought it'd be good
for you two to meet.
493
00:34:54,217 --> 00:34:56,219
Martin will be examining your painting.
494
00:34:56,303 --> 00:34:58,522
He's going to curate
my private collection.
495
00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:00,224
Ja.
496
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:04,273
Wow. I thought that
that's what Harry did.
497
00:35:04,352 --> 00:35:08,357
For the moment,
but the man's a bit of an idiot.
498
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:11,364
- Don't you think?
- No, no, no, Shabandar.
499
00:35:11,443 --> 00:35:13,241
No. Harry is a good man.
500
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:16,494
Not much of an eye, but a good man.
501
00:35:17,991 --> 00:35:21,586
I am for five years a director
of the Kunst Museum in Köln.
502
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:26,918
Und before that I curated the collection
of Baron Thyssen-Bornemisza.
503
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:31,631
But the Baron's collection is...
heavily Flemish.
504
00:35:32,547 --> 00:35:38,225
Titian, Rubens,
all the women, so saftig und heftig.
505
00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:44,106
I mean, how many years can you spend
looking at the Walloons, huh?
506
00:35:44,184 --> 00:35:46,653
Anyway, now I prefer the Impressionists.
507
00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:50,115
Und I'm now considered
as the top man on Monet.
508
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:53,906
Say, your English
is pretty darn good there, Martin.
509
00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:56,363
I mean, for someone
from the country of Germany.
510
00:35:56,446 --> 00:35:59,871
Oh, thank you. Well,
I speak eight languages fluently.
511
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:04,204
Und I'm internet-savvy, but you have
to be these days, don't you think?
512
00:36:04,287 --> 00:36:06,961
I pluck chickens,
so there ain't a lot of call for me
513
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,543
to be traipsing around
tweetin' and bloggin'.
514
00:36:09,626 --> 00:36:11,594
Ja, ja.
515
00:36:12,796 --> 00:36:16,096
I'm unfamiliar with this expression,
"I pluck chickens".
516
00:36:17,217 --> 00:36:19,219
Anyway, tell me this remarkable thing.
517
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:22,146
This painting was hanging
always in your house,
518
00:36:22,222 --> 00:36:25,066
ever since you can remember,
even as a little kinder?
519
00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:28,774
Yep.
520
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:41,620
Hmm!
521
00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:45,204
Bloody hell.
522
00:36:47,580 --> 00:36:52,461
- So, Harry's out on his butt, huh?
- Harry is, as you say, out on his butt.
523
00:36:53,336 --> 00:36:55,714
He's a bit of a disappointment, really.
524
00:36:55,839 --> 00:36:58,262
Something a little desperate
about the man.
525
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,560
- I don't know.
- A little shifty, a little weak.
526
00:37:00,635 --> 00:37:01,978
Not that bright.
527
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:05,227
I like to look a man in the eye,
"Lionel Shabandar, how do you do?"
528
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:08,651
"This is what I should like. What do
you fancy?" Just have out with it.
529
00:37:08,727 --> 00:37:12,277
It's easier to live up to that when
you're rich and can call all the shots.
530
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,575
Character is tested in many ways.
Money brings its own burdens.
531
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:20,156
You, I'm certain, will pass every test.
Deane, I don't know.
532
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:23,037
PJ: I think maybe
you're just not looking deep enough.
533
00:37:23,116 --> 00:37:27,212
Like Momma said, if you can't tell the
difference between a pig and a javelina,
534
00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:30,757
well, you could lose a big old chunk
out of your ass.
535
00:37:31,750 --> 00:37:33,593
Indeed.
536
00:37:37,005 --> 00:37:40,384
MAJOR: Mr Deane was a proud man
in a difficult moment.
537
00:37:40,467 --> 00:37:44,188
His credit exhausted,
his coffers near empty,
538
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:48,062
he was forced to contemplate
desperate measures.
539
00:37:48,808 --> 00:37:52,813
Yet he could allow no chink
to appear in the plan.
540
00:37:52,896 --> 00:37:56,776
And though his accomplice might seem,
shall we say, less than perfect,...
541
00:37:56,900 --> 00:38:00,905
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- ..He would maintain control.
542
00:38:00,987 --> 00:38:05,367
These are the moments
that try men's souls.
543
00:38:05,492 --> 00:38:07,711
So how is His Lordship this evening?
544
00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:09,538
- He's...
- No problems?
545
00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:13,125
- He wasn't rude or bullying, I hope.
PJ: - No, he was polite enough.
546
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:16,087
Hey, Harry, what are you doing
with all your quarters?
547
00:38:16,169 --> 00:38:19,548
These, madam, are pounds and pence,
not quarters.
548
00:38:19,631 --> 00:38:23,261
- Just putting my affairs in order.
- Harry Deane, are you tapped out?
549
00:38:23,343 --> 00:38:28,600
Hardly. I do this periodically
so as to have use of the jar.
550
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:31,309
I bag the coins
and donate the proceeds to charity.
551
00:38:31,392 --> 00:38:32,860
Uh-huh.
552
00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:37,861
Tea?
553
00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:43,496
So where do we stand with
our little affair, scheme, programme?
554
00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,871
You know, hoss,
I don't think it's gonna work out.
555
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:49,835
What? Nonsense.
Everything's going according to plan.
556
00:38:49,911 --> 00:38:52,585
We have the painting,
or so Shabandar believes.
557
00:38:52,664 --> 00:38:55,793
And I, my dear, have
that credulous boob's confidence.
558
00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:57,752
On plan, don't you understand?
559
00:38:57,836 --> 00:39:01,340
Well, then, I guess it's just me
having second thoughts, then.
560
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:04,972
Second thoughts? Well,
it's a little late for that, young lady.
561
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:08,021
- Don't young lady me, hoss.
- Don't you hoss me, young lady.
562
00:39:08,096 --> 00:39:09,143
That is it.
563
00:39:10,515 --> 00:39:14,486
I have invested thousands of pounds
in this little caper of ours,
564
00:39:14,561 --> 00:39:19,362
not to mention the Major, who has
painted his heart, his soul, his guts
565
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,317
into his forgery of Haystacks, Dusk.
566
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:25,281
You call the Major, tell him about your
second thoughts, your silly little...
567
00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:28,116
What is it anyway?
Cold feet, moral qualms again?
568
00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:29,371
Yeah, that's part of it.
569
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:32,670
Besides, the man
is a cold-blooded, heartless bully.
570
00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:35,339
- I happen to think he's quite charming.
- Charming?
571
00:39:35,415 --> 00:39:39,386
He's charming in a thoroughly reptilian,
repulsive way. Repulsively charming.
572
00:39:39,460 --> 00:39:42,088
But you fail to see his manners
are completely ersatz.
573
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:44,215
I knew you were naive and provincial...
574
00:39:44,299 --> 00:39:47,894
And look at you,
trash-talkin' my origins!
575
00:39:47,969 --> 00:39:51,599
I respect your origins,
your entire double-wide way of life,
576
00:39:51,681 --> 00:39:53,854
but it does leave you vulnerable to...
577
00:39:53,933 --> 00:39:57,233
Leaves me vulnerable? I don't know
how to tell you this, Harry.
578
00:39:57,312 --> 00:40:00,532
- But you're fired.
- Oh, I'm fired?
579
00:40:00,607 --> 00:40:02,609
- Yep.
- Very amusing.
580
00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:06,071
Let me remind you who's running
this little enterprise, madam. Moi.
581
00:40:06,154 --> 00:40:09,784
And it is you who are fired!
Except you're not.
582
00:40:09,866 --> 00:40:14,417
In clue course, when I have authenticated
the Major's beautiful work, then,
583
00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:17,499
then we shall discuss
the termination of your employment
584
00:40:17,582 --> 00:40:19,380
and come to some understanding
585
00:40:19,459 --> 00:40:23,509
as to how to bear the onus
of your ridiculous expenses.
586
00:40:23,588 --> 00:40:28,344
Wrong, hoss. Wrong, wrong and wrong.
587
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:32,272
You are fired, by Lionel,
cos he told me hisself.
588
00:40:32,347 --> 00:40:35,396
He introduced me to some
stuck-up heinie, Martin Zaidenweber,
589
00:40:35,475 --> 00:40:36,647
who's getting your job
590
00:40:36,726 --> 00:40:40,276
and you won't be authenticating
your dumb old hay painting.
591
00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:42,733
So I'm going back to the Savoy
to stay the night
592
00:40:42,815 --> 00:40:45,568
and I might just order up
some surf 'n' turf.
593
00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:49,031
And tomorrow I'm going to Texas,
get my job back at the chicken plant.
594
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,660
It ain't no fault of mine
595
00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:53,664
that your whole cockamamie scheme
just went blooey.
596
00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:16,432
Hmm!
597
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:19,777
(HARRY GRUNTS)
598
00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:29,161
- Zaidenweber.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
599
00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:33,325
Hmm. It's a little late
to apologise now.
600
00:41:37,537 --> 00:41:40,541
How could he? Zaidenweber.
601
00:41:40,623 --> 00:41:43,797
The man is a... Admittedly he knows
his way around the Walloons.
602
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:47,631
But when it comes to the Impressionists,
the man is a hopeless ignoramus.
603
00:41:47,714 --> 00:41:50,593
This would be comical
if it weren't actually dangerous.
604
00:41:50,675 --> 00:41:52,222
I refer not just to my nose,
605
00:41:52,301 --> 00:41:55,555
which this time I fear
may be well and truly broken.
606
00:41:55,638 --> 00:41:58,357
Perhaps since our little caper
is far from over,
607
00:41:58,433 --> 00:42:01,653
perhaps we should consider
removing the cartilage.
608
00:42:01,728 --> 00:42:04,948
Don't be an ass. I'm hardly likely
to be hit in the face a third time.
609
00:42:05,023 --> 00:42:06,900
That was the third time, sir.
610
00:42:07,650 --> 00:42:09,368
This isn't a maths class.
611
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:12,618
What are we going to do about
Zaidenweber who, once hired on,
612
00:42:12,697 --> 00:42:16,372
is not going to authenticate
our dumb old hay painting?
613
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:21,293
Perhaps, Major, could you not
contrive to neutralise him
614
00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:25,172
simply with a...
well, with a gun of some sort?
615
00:42:25,251 --> 00:42:29,472
With a silencer screwed onto the tip
of the thing, the barrel there?
616
00:42:30,465 --> 00:42:33,594
MAJOR: - Mr Deane.
- Hmm?
617
00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:36,429
Too much? No, you're right,
it's too outlandish.
618
00:42:36,512 --> 00:42:38,514
I'll take care of Zaidenweber.
619
00:42:38,598 --> 00:42:41,067
More pressing is how do we get
our rogue elephant
620
00:42:41,184 --> 00:42:43,858
out of the most expensive hotel
in London?
621
00:42:44,812 --> 00:42:49,238
Oh, er, sorry, sir. I haven't quite got
the knack of this.
622
00:42:50,359 --> 00:42:53,283
She is a person without vision, Major.
623
00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:57,287
She cannot see the plan,
so she will not believe in the plan.
624
00:42:57,366 --> 00:43:00,916
Instant gratification is her
modus vivendi, discipline a dirty word.
625
00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:03,544
There's something
awfully refreshing about her.
626
00:43:03,623 --> 00:43:06,968
There's something refreshing
about being plunged into an ice bath
627
00:43:07,043 --> 00:43:08,841
and flogged with a birch switch.
628
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,548
Oh, yes, good flogging.
629
00:43:11,631 --> 00:43:15,852
Madam Olga, Pennypockets Lane,
third floor to the rear.
630
00:43:18,387 --> 00:43:20,014
(MOBILE RINGS)
631
00:43:20,932 --> 00:43:22,650
- Yeah?
HARRY: - Martin?
632
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:27,071
- Ja, this is Martin Zaidenweber, ja.
- Martin, it's Harry.
633
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:33,078
- Harry Trinkwasser?
- No, Harry Deane, calling from London.
634
00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:36,539
- How's Cologne?
- Köln?
635
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:41,377
Oh, ja! Köln is... is good, not so bad.
636
00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:44,331
Of course, I'm in Köln.
You catch me at my gym.
637
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:49,010
Practising physical culture. I am gaily
shvitzing away the kilos, you know?
638
00:43:49,961 --> 00:43:52,214
We have to fight the heftiness!
639
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:54,298
Oh, absolutely.
640
00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:57,101
Look, I know this will seem
a little out of the blue,
641
00:43:57,176 --> 00:43:59,144
and it's sort of embarrassing to say,
642
00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:02,186
but I'm calling to ask
if you might have a job on offer soon.
643
00:44:02,265 --> 00:44:04,359
- Job?
- I'm going to be free soon.
644
00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:06,310
I'm about to kiss Shabandar off.
645
00:44:06,394 --> 00:44:09,864
- You will kiss him off?
- Quitting, yes.
646
00:44:09,981 --> 00:44:13,030
Rather embarrassing,
but Shabandar's having problems.
647
00:44:13,109 --> 00:44:14,611
Business problems.
648
00:44:14,694 --> 00:44:17,664
Rumour has it he's built himself
a bit of a house of cards.
649
00:44:17,738 --> 00:44:20,036
- A card house?
- Yeah.
650
00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:24,754
Just last week,
my pay cheque didn't clear.
651
00:44:30,418 --> 00:44:32,170
- Good evening.
- Good evening, sir.
652
00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:35,424
- What can we do for you?
- Well, I'm checking my friend out.
653
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,600
Lovely room.
She's quite enjoyed her stay.
654
00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:40,895
But I can authorise no further payments
against my credit card.
655
00:44:40,970 --> 00:44:43,473
So we're going to have to
throw her out on her ear.
656
00:44:43,556 --> 00:44:45,650
- Actually...
- Give her the old heave-ho.
657
00:44:45,725 --> 00:44:47,443
Bags packed, out on the pavement.
658
00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:52,570
Actually, sir, those charges have been
assumed as of 4:17 this afternoon
659
00:44:52,648 --> 00:44:54,150
by another party.
660
00:44:54,233 --> 00:44:59,239
In fact, I believe she has been
moved up to a senior suite.
661
00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:02,082
Senior suite.
662
00:45:02,158 --> 00:45:04,536
She's been moved up to...
Who the bloody hell...?
663
00:45:04,619 --> 00:45:07,964
RECEPTIONIST: Lord Shabandar
called round. You just missed him.
664
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:11,459
He left with the young lady
in evening wear.
665
00:45:11,542 --> 00:45:12,794
ASSISTANT: Hmm.
666
00:45:12,877 --> 00:45:14,720
- Evening wear?
- Yes, sir.
667
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:16,422
- Quite striking.
- Indeed.
668
00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:19,258
RECEPTIONIST:
A gift from His Lordship.
669
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:22,637
Fine. Excellent. Well, good, then.
670
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:26,224
RECEPTIONIST: But I'd be happy
to close out your account. Let me see.
671
00:45:26,390 --> 00:45:29,644
Charges accumulating
prior to this evening...
672
00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:31,195
Yes, here we are.
673
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:37,701
It'll just be two shakes, sir.
674
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:51,006
How is the...
the Major this evening, sir?
675
00:45:52,959 --> 00:45:55,132
- Hmm?
- The Major.
676
00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:58,506
He's alright, I suppose.
677
00:45:59,423 --> 00:46:03,018
- Seems like a busy little fellow.
- Not so little, I would hazard.
678
00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:07,522
He's lost a bit of weight recently.
679
00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:11,523
- Semi-retired now.
- That is a pity, sir.
680
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:15,448
- At least it's... semi.
- Hmm.
681
00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:17,658
(PRINTER BEEPS)
682
00:46:21,362 --> 00:46:24,457
Leaving that on the American Express
card, are we, sir?
683
00:46:24,532 --> 00:46:26,250
Yes, thank you.
684
00:46:26,325 --> 00:46:28,498
(PRINTER BEEPS)
685
00:46:33,374 --> 00:46:34,842
(PRINTER BEEPS)
686
00:46:40,214 --> 00:46:43,889
Now, the task this evening
is quite straightforward.
687
00:46:43,968 --> 00:46:45,891
The Japanese ran the world in the '80s
688
00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:48,814
and my little friend Takagawa
screwed me a dozen times.
689
00:46:48,889 --> 00:46:51,108
Well, now the boot is on the other foot.
690
00:46:51,183 --> 00:46:53,936
So it's kind of like a grudge match.
691
00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:56,944
He's still pissed off
that I beat him to Haystacks, Dawn.
692
00:46:57,023 --> 00:47:00,618
Now, if I can get his lackeys to sell me
their 220 television channels,
693
00:47:00,693 --> 00:47:04,789
I become the third largest provider
of premium cable in the whole of Asia
694
00:47:04,864 --> 00:47:09,370
and the Shabandar lion
can finally roar over Japan.
695
00:47:12,455 --> 00:47:15,800
Hello. Good day, Mr Shabandar.
696
00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:20,051
I am your interpreter
from Konichiwa Media Group.
697
00:47:20,129 --> 00:47:23,224
- I am Chuck.
- Delighted to meet you.
698
00:47:24,008 --> 00:47:27,854
This is Ms Philomena Puznowski.
699
00:47:27,928 --> 00:47:29,271
Hi.
700
00:47:29,347 --> 00:47:34,774
Hello. Good day. I am your interpreter
from Konichiwa Media Group.
701
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:36,820
I am Chuck.
702
00:47:36,896 --> 00:47:40,366
This is Mr Katsuhara Cho.
703
00:47:40,483 --> 00:47:44,659
Very powerful big man
of Konichiwa Media Group.
704
00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:50,494
I present Mr Shabandar
and Ms Puznoskusam.
705
00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:51,998
(LAUGHS)
- Marvellous.
706
00:47:59,043 --> 00:48:02,138
I think we'll just pick up the names
as we go along, don't you?
707
00:48:02,213 --> 00:48:07,014
- It's a pleasure to meet you all.
- And that goes double for me.
708
00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:09,937
As I said,
these dinners can be difficult.
709
00:48:10,012 --> 00:48:12,481
Don't worry.
These guys seem pretty harmless.
710
00:48:12,556 --> 00:48:15,184
They're evil little shits.
Watch me crush them.
711
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:25,077
It occurs to me, I'm afraid
I left my glasses up in the room.
712
00:48:25,152 --> 00:48:29,202
Would it... Would the key still work
for me to run up and have a look?
713
00:48:29,281 --> 00:48:33,331
- You're wearing them, sir.
- These, to be sure, yes.
714
00:48:33,411 --> 00:48:36,915
No, I mean my other glasses,
my distance glasses.
715
00:48:38,958 --> 00:48:40,505
Distance.
716
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:43,554
I'll run you another key, sir.
717
00:49:05,234 --> 00:49:06,486
Huh.
718
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:47,405
(MAID BELCHES)
719
00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:53,616
(LOCK CLICKS)
720
00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:58,128
Bloody hell!
721
00:50:03,918 --> 00:50:05,090
Hello!
722
00:50:06,629 --> 00:50:08,051
Hello!
723
00:50:18,432 --> 00:50:21,527
This is Extra Vroom-Vroom channel.
724
00:50:21,644 --> 00:50:24,238
- Aim at people love car.
- Hmm.
725
00:50:24,313 --> 00:50:27,283
This is Extra Killer Whale channel
726
00:50:27,358 --> 00:50:30,953
for people like watch whale
eat other people.
727
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:34,532
- Very popular after ten o'clock.
- Hmm.
728
00:50:34,615 --> 00:50:37,289
This is Let's Young channel.
729
00:50:37,368 --> 00:50:41,248
For young teenage wear hair extra crazy,
730
00:50:41,330 --> 00:50:45,255
drink sake all night, puke in street.
731
00:50:45,334 --> 00:50:48,383
Combined viewer for Konichiwa TV,
732
00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:51,056
42 millions, I think.
733
00:50:51,173 --> 00:50:54,177
- Yes.
- Yes, yes, very impressive.
734
00:50:54,260 --> 00:50:56,763
Of course,
I'm familiar with the figures.
735
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,849
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
736
00:50:59,932 --> 00:51:03,937
- However...
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
737
00:51:04,019 --> 00:51:07,740
...my offer for the group was made
in pounds sterling, not yen.
738
00:51:07,815 --> 00:51:11,194
But the recent rise of your currency
relative to the pound
739
00:51:11,277 --> 00:51:14,201
would raise my cost fully ten percent,
740
00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:17,124
and that, gentlemen,
is an obligation I never undertook
741
00:51:17,199 --> 00:51:20,703
and do not propose to undertake now.
742
00:51:29,295 --> 00:51:32,265
There is snow on the mountains
in the winter
743
00:51:32,339 --> 00:51:35,434
and the man, in despair,
744
00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:38,763
cannot walk to the next valley.
745
00:51:38,846 --> 00:51:43,477
But in spring, snow melts
746
00:51:43,559 --> 00:51:47,780
and is remembered in tranquillity.
747
00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:52,284
Right. Sure, OK, I got you.
748
00:51:52,359 --> 00:51:56,114
Yeah, see, what I think the big man here
is trying to tell you is
749
00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:59,575
he may have been tough on the price
and a real son of a bitch until now,
750
00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:03,834
but if you kind of party down with him
so he don't lose face,
751
00:52:03,912 --> 00:52:05,505
maybe things'll go your way.
752
00:52:05,581 --> 00:52:09,427
But he ain't about to say it straight
out and look like a wimp, right?
753
00:52:12,046 --> 00:52:14,469
If you really wanna
butter these boys up,
754
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,392
you ought to invite them all
out to your house.
755
00:52:17,468 --> 00:52:20,563
You know, break some bread, mano a mano.
756
00:52:21,972 --> 00:52:24,976
Have 'em out for the gala,
why don't you?
757
00:52:25,059 --> 00:52:26,732
Maybe you're right.
758
00:52:26,894 --> 00:52:29,113
God, what a bore.
759
00:52:33,984 --> 00:52:35,952
Can't be so terribly difficult.
760
00:52:42,201 --> 00:52:43,874
Just one foot...
761
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:46,835
...in front of the other.
762
00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:48,962
MAN: Let's go dancing!
763
00:52:51,835 --> 00:52:53,883
(LAUGHTER)
764
00:53:23,242 --> 00:53:24,334
(RIPPING)
765
00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:33,506
(RIPPING)
766
00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:35,053
Oh, sod it.
767
00:53:35,129 --> 00:53:38,759
You're a bit of a marvel. I hope
you'll stay on, even after the gala.
768
00:53:38,882 --> 00:53:41,055
I could use somebody
with your qualities.
769
00:53:41,176 --> 00:53:43,645
Well, I guess I got qualities at that.
770
00:53:43,721 --> 00:53:47,646
That you do, Ms Puznowski.
That you do.
771
00:53:47,725 --> 00:53:51,480
For Pete's sake, this time I think
you really are trying to get me drunk,
772
00:53:51,562 --> 00:53:53,155
with all that rice wine an' all.
773
00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:55,699
Well, why not?
No more business this evening.
774
00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:58,072
This is a strictly social part
of the day.
775
00:53:58,152 --> 00:54:01,827
Let's get, as you might say, down,
I believe, shall we?
776
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:07,411
- Say that one more time, please.
- Let us get down.
777
00:54:22,885 --> 00:54:24,979
Oh, bugger me.
778
00:54:35,022 --> 00:54:38,526
Well, Lionel,
tonight was real, real fun.
779
00:54:38,609 --> 00:54:40,862
That sounds like the past tense.
780
00:54:42,613 --> 00:54:44,866
The...
781
00:54:44,990 --> 00:54:47,618
Bloody tart!
782
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:56,882
Well, that seems to have had
the desired effect.
783
00:54:58,253 --> 00:54:59,721
My Pants.
784
00:55:00,672 --> 00:55:02,265
My bloody trousers!
785
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:08,389
Lionel, you know,
this ain't the place to be...
786
00:55:08,472 --> 00:55:09,598
Nonsense.
787
00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:13,231
This is precisely what hotels are for.
788
00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,312
In the tree!
789
00:55:15,395 --> 00:55:17,443
MAN: - Taxi!
- My bloody trousers!
790
00:55:19,775 --> 00:55:25,282
Out snogging about when I'm trying
to bloody stay on plan.
791
00:55:30,202 --> 00:55:31,875
This is absurd.
792
00:55:48,887 --> 00:55:50,104
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
793
00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:51,727
(DOOR OPENS)
794
00:55:58,397 --> 00:56:00,695
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
795
00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:04,783
Good evening, madam.
I am terribly sorry.
796
00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:07,581
Tomorrow evening's Kirov Ballet
is quite sold out
797
00:56:07,656 --> 00:56:09,408
and it's the last performance.
798
00:56:09,491 --> 00:56:12,210
WOMAN: - Oh, my!
ASSISTANT: - Yes.
799
00:56:12,286 --> 00:56:15,085
Shall we try The Cherry Orchard
at the Duke of York's?
800
00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:17,165
- Yes, let's.
ASSISTANT: - Lovely.
801
00:56:17,249 --> 00:56:21,880
Lovely. Still just the one...
the one ticket?
802
00:56:21,962 --> 00:56:25,136
- Yes, just the one.
ASSISTANT: - Lovely. As you please.
803
00:56:25,215 --> 00:56:29,345
- Have a very nice evening.
- Yes, I shall try.
804
00:56:29,428 --> 00:56:33,149
Straight back into bed. My husband
doesn't arrive until Thursday.
805
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:37,524
(CLEARS THROAT) Of course, madam.
It must seem like an eternity.
806
00:56:40,981 --> 00:56:42,654
There.
807
00:56:51,325 --> 00:56:52,952
(FARTS LOUDLY)
808
00:57:03,587 --> 00:57:05,589
The vase.
809
00:57:07,841 --> 00:57:10,060
Just nipping down the hall for some ice.
810
00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:25,116
(LIFT BELL RINGS)
811
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:31,623
LIONEL: You can fly private,
but you still have to take the time.
812
00:57:31,698 --> 00:57:34,998
That's why you need a place like this
to lay your sleepy head.
813
00:57:35,118 --> 00:57:36,870
Oh, look. Here we are.
814
00:57:36,954 --> 00:57:40,504
Here we are. Well, thanks
for escorting me up, Lionel.
815
00:57:40,582 --> 00:57:43,836
I'm pretty tuckered out,
so I should probably just...
816
00:57:43,919 --> 00:57:46,923
- Nonsense. Let's have a nightcap.
- What?
817
00:57:47,005 --> 00:57:50,350
A nightcap, that's code, really,
for a bit more conversation
818
00:57:50,425 --> 00:57:54,020
- and then... who knows?
- Er...
819
00:57:54,096 --> 00:57:57,100
- Well...
- I'm making you uncomfortable.
820
00:57:57,182 --> 00:57:59,685
- Perhaps another time.
- Oh, no, that's fine.
821
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:05,067
We should do it tonight, so here we go.
Let's go on in. You first.
822
00:58:05,148 --> 00:58:08,322
WHISPERS: - What are you doing?
WHISPERS: - What?
823
00:58:08,402 --> 00:58:11,121
- Evening, Mr Deane.
- Evening.
824
00:58:12,948 --> 00:58:14,916
Hey, get your butt in here. Come on.
825
00:58:17,744 --> 00:58:20,873
LIONEL: Quite the extensive bar.
What are you having?
826
00:58:20,956 --> 00:58:23,584
Let me think about it.
I'll be right there.
827
00:58:23,667 --> 00:58:26,591
WHISPERS: What are you doing here?
Where are your pants?
828
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:30,049
Hanging on the tree downstairs.
What are you doing with Shabandar?
829
00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:31,720
They're what?
830
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,929
Hanging on the tree downstairs.
831
00:58:35,012 --> 00:58:37,106
Good God, I can hardly put it
more plainly!
832
00:58:37,222 --> 00:58:39,850
LIONEL:
There's Scotch, gin, Jägermeister...
833
00:58:39,933 --> 00:58:41,901
Why would you hang your pants
in a tree?
834
00:58:41,977 --> 00:58:44,571
- It ain't Christmas.
- I didn't hang them there.
835
00:58:44,646 --> 00:58:46,740
Why did you invite Shabandar
to your room?
836
00:58:46,815 --> 00:58:50,069
Do your orgiastic impulses
know no limits? You've been drinking.
837
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:54,073
If I wanna have a nightcap, well,
I am of drinking age and voting age
838
00:58:54,156 --> 00:58:56,204
and the age of consent.
839
00:58:56,283 --> 00:58:58,285
And I can have anyone I want
up to my room,
840
00:58:58,368 --> 00:59:01,247
cos you ain't paying for it
no more anyways.
841
00:59:01,329 --> 00:59:05,084
- What? Are you jealous?
- Jealous? Don't be absurd.
842
00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:06,339
Champagne cooling.
843
00:59:06,543 --> 00:59:11,094
Are you coming out or are you slipping
into something more approachable?
844
00:59:11,173 --> 00:59:13,346
PJ: Yeah, that's it.
845
00:59:13,425 --> 00:59:15,974
All sense of shame
is well and truly atrophied.
846
00:59:16,053 --> 00:59:19,102
Not only do you not seek to disguise
your wanton behaviour...
847
00:59:19,264 --> 00:59:21,608
My behaviour? Why don't you go first?
848
00:59:21,683 --> 00:59:24,402
Why were you out on that ledge,
what was in that vase
849
00:59:24,478 --> 00:59:26,901
and why are your pants
hanging in a tree?
850
00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:31,076
You're a very suspicious person, really.
There was nothing in the vase.
851
00:59:31,151 --> 00:59:34,701
As for the rest of it, it is involved,
but unlike your shenanigans,
852
00:59:34,780 --> 00:59:37,454
there's a sensible plan
governing my behaviour.
853
00:59:37,532 --> 00:59:40,911
- Jealous. Good God.
LIONEL: - Ready or not,
854
00:59:41,286 --> 00:59:43,209
here I have to come.
855
00:59:43,288 --> 00:59:45,461
I need to use the lavatory.
856
00:59:45,540 --> 00:59:49,590
But I shall respect your modesty.
857
00:59:51,046 --> 00:59:52,423
(DOOR CLOSES)
858
00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:56,426
I don't suppose you could dash down
and get my trousers?
859
00:59:56,510 --> 01:00:00,014
You get out of here, Harry Deane.
You go get your own damn trousers.
860
01:00:00,097 --> 01:00:02,145
Well, thanks a lot.
861
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:06,103
- So you don't have any ice, then?
- What?
862
01:00:06,186 --> 01:00:09,531
LIONEL: - What did you say?
(TOILET FLUSHES)
863
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:10,983
LIONEL: What did you say?
864
01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:15,116
GRUFFLY: - Do we have any ice?
LIONEL: - No, not with champagne.
865
01:00:15,237 --> 01:00:17,239
WHISPERS: Harry. Harry.
866
01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:21,327
- Harry.
- It's alright. I've practised.
867
01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:24,921
LIONEL: Are you decent?
I'm coming out.
868
01:00:28,667 --> 01:00:33,138
I've never told you, have I,
the story of the Shabandar lion?
869
01:00:33,213 --> 01:00:34,430
(GROWLS)
870
01:00:34,506 --> 01:00:36,759
Oh! Wanker.
871
01:00:59,906 --> 01:01:01,408
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
872
01:01:01,491 --> 01:01:03,084
(DOOR OPENS)
873
01:01:13,086 --> 01:01:16,215
Stroke of luck, madam. One ticket left
for The Cherry Orchard.
874
01:01:16,381 --> 01:01:19,555
- Third row in the stalls, aisle seat.
- Ah, wonderful.
875
01:01:19,634 --> 01:01:21,932
Splendid.
Book that for you straightaway.
876
01:01:22,012 --> 01:01:25,186
Oh, that's where it is. Excuse me.
877
01:01:25,265 --> 01:01:27,814
Housekeeping.
878
01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:29,895
Evening, Mr Deane.
879
01:01:31,229 --> 01:01:33,231
Sometimes I wonder if they drink.
880
01:01:35,317 --> 01:01:36,944
Right, shan't bother you again
881
01:01:37,027 --> 01:01:41,157
and I'll tell switchboard to put
a Do Not Disturb on room 318.
882
01:01:44,826 --> 01:01:46,920
318?
883
01:01:52,709 --> 01:01:53,756
Good evening.
884
01:01:53,835 --> 01:01:56,133
Good evening, sir.
Did you find your glasses?
885
01:01:56,213 --> 01:01:58,181
Yes, thank you. Got 'em right here.
886
01:01:58,256 --> 01:02:00,679
Not forgetting anything else,
are we, sir?
887
01:02:00,759 --> 01:02:03,228
No, no, I shouldn't think so.
888
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:09,727
MAN: - At least he's wearing a tie.
- Extraordinary fellow.
889
01:02:37,045 --> 01:02:39,264
Good morning.
890
01:02:44,469 --> 01:02:47,564
Harry Deane, are you spying on me?
891
01:02:47,639 --> 01:02:50,142
No, not at all.
It's just that seducing Shabandar,
892
01:02:50,225 --> 01:02:52,478
last I checked,
was not part of our plan.
893
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:54,528
Well, like Momma always used to say,
894
01:02:54,604 --> 01:02:57,483
scratch it if it itches,
even if it's in your britches.
895
01:02:57,565 --> 01:03:01,115
Miss, I've had sufficient
of your mother's gnomic utterances.
896
01:03:01,194 --> 01:03:03,196
Relax, Harry.
897
01:03:03,280 --> 01:03:07,205
Face it, our little plan
ain't exactly operational any more.
898
01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:08,957
You're wrong.
899
01:03:09,035 --> 01:03:10,662
Look...
900
01:03:15,250 --> 01:03:19,551
We gotta have a little talk here.
See, there's two kinds of people.
901
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:23,725
There's people like Lionel with big
deals and big cars and manners an' all,
902
01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:25,268
and there's people like us.
903
01:03:25,343 --> 01:03:28,267
Look at you, running around
all desperate and cockamamie,
904
01:03:28,346 --> 01:03:31,816
pretending like you're gonna
take Lionel for a gazillion dollars.
905
01:03:31,891 --> 01:03:34,770
Well, Harry Deane,
it ain't gonna happen.
906
01:03:34,853 --> 01:03:39,074
You're not Lionel,
and why would you wanna be?
907
01:03:39,149 --> 01:03:40,867
You got your own thing going on,
908
01:03:40,942 --> 01:03:44,287
with all your art
and your beautiful little painting.
909
01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:49,118
But you gotta quit
trying to be something you're not.
910
01:03:49,909 --> 01:03:53,664
It's OK, you know.
You being you is... is OK.
911
01:03:55,665 --> 01:04:00,262
Look, I understand how certain
unforeseen wrinkles in my plans
912
01:04:00,337 --> 01:04:02,965
have conspired to diminish
your confidence in me.
913
01:04:03,631 --> 01:04:06,225
Consider that you might
still have an obligation,
914
01:04:06,343 --> 01:04:09,017
having incurred considerable expense,
915
01:04:09,095 --> 01:04:11,143
having pledged
a degree of cooperation
916
01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:16,103
and having...
having wounded me personally
917
01:04:16,186 --> 01:04:19,156
by fraternising with a man
who does not deserve your respect,
918
01:04:19,230 --> 01:04:21,824
who's a cynical manipulator
of those less powerful
919
01:04:21,900 --> 01:04:24,403
and who's a degenerate nudist at that.
920
01:04:24,486 --> 01:04:28,081
Only person I've seen traipsing round
London in their underwear is you.
921
01:04:28,156 --> 01:04:30,158
That is not the point.
922
01:04:32,327 --> 01:04:35,752
You sure do have nice eyes
for a fella who never smiles.
923
01:04:35,830 --> 01:04:39,130
Too bad you're all wrapped up
in your crazy scheme.
924
01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:43,510
Maybe you could ungrit your teeth
a little bit every once in a while.
925
01:04:47,384 --> 01:04:49,478
OK, I get it.
926
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:54,934
I think it's trouble, but...
I'll play along at Lionel's party,
927
01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:57,360
if that's what you want.
928
01:04:57,435 --> 01:05:00,564
Yes, yes. Thank you, madam,
that is all I ask.
929
01:05:03,191 --> 01:05:06,741
I'm certain after tonight, you shall
have reason to admire the skills
930
01:05:06,820 --> 01:05:11,200
of a reborn, reinvigorated
and surprisingly capable Harry Deane.
931
01:05:12,867 --> 01:05:14,869
If you say so.
932
01:05:17,372 --> 01:05:19,374
(CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS)
933
01:05:36,433 --> 01:05:40,404
MAN 1: Very good evening to you.
MAN 2: You're most welcome.
934
01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:47,277
Thank you.
935
01:05:49,404 --> 01:05:53,250
MAJOR: There are moments in a life
that define a man.
936
01:05:53,324 --> 01:05:55,622
This was Mr Deane's.
937
01:05:55,702 --> 01:05:57,796
He was sprung for action
938
01:05:57,871 --> 01:06:01,921
and yet perfectly capable
of blowing it completely.
939
01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:04,002
Here we go.
940
01:06:11,342 --> 01:06:12,935
Zowie.
941
01:06:19,934 --> 01:06:22,278
- This the painting?
- Painting's in the crate.
942
01:06:22,353 --> 01:06:25,072
This is my easel so I can have a look
at the bloody thing.
943
01:06:25,148 --> 01:06:28,243
Uncrate the painting in the gallery.
I'll look at it up there.
944
01:06:28,318 --> 01:06:33,119
Managed to get hold of the guest list.
No sign of Zaidenweber, thank God.
945
01:06:33,198 --> 01:06:36,327
You should go, Major.
No reason to put yourself at risk.
946
01:06:36,409 --> 01:06:38,377
You know where to find me.
947
01:06:38,453 --> 01:06:40,421
Good luck, old thing.
948
01:06:47,086 --> 01:06:49,930
("MOONLIGHT SERENADE" BY GERSHWIN)
949
01:06:52,133 --> 01:06:54,010
- Howdy.
- Good evening.
950
01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:56,391
- Hey, there. Great mask.
- Thank you.
951
01:06:56,471 --> 01:06:58,473
- Hi.
- Good evening.
952
01:07:01,935 --> 01:07:03,983
(GROWLS)
953
01:07:04,062 --> 01:07:05,609
I'm so glad you could make it
954
01:07:05,688 --> 01:07:09,409
and that you've decided
to consummate our little transaction.
955
01:07:09,484 --> 01:07:13,079
Perhaps you might allow me to do
the same with our other little affair.
956
01:07:13,154 --> 01:07:15,122
You can try all you want, Shabby.
957
01:07:15,198 --> 01:07:17,041
Shabby.
958
01:07:17,116 --> 01:07:21,212
- Shabandar-san!
- Oh, Christ.
959
01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:23,756
It is I, Chuck.
960
01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:27,965
We wish to thank you for extending
961
01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:31,048
of your hospitality
of your extra-big house.
962
01:07:31,130 --> 01:07:36,682
Oh, yes, quite. Delighted.
I see you managed to find the bar.
963
01:07:36,761 --> 01:07:40,356
And if you're hungry,
there's a big old spread over there.
964
01:07:40,431 --> 01:07:42,604
Our boy Lionel pulled out all the stops.
965
01:07:42,684 --> 01:07:44,436
Many thanks, Ms Puzkoza.
966
01:07:44,519 --> 01:07:46,521
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
967
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:57,999
- Hey, Harry.
- Oh, Deane.
968
01:07:58,074 --> 01:08:01,044
They probably think
you're pretty strange too, Lionel,
969
01:08:01,119 --> 01:08:03,918
what with you being a nudist an' all.
970
01:08:03,997 --> 01:08:06,125
What with my being a what?
971
01:08:06,207 --> 01:08:08,676
PJ: - A nudist.
- Nothing wrong with that, is there?
972
01:08:08,751 --> 01:08:11,971
Hell, no. I think
it's real relaxing going naked.
973
01:08:12,046 --> 01:08:14,048
What the devil are you talking about?
974
01:08:14,132 --> 01:08:17,887
I understood you to have said once
that you attended the Eden Retreat.
975
01:08:17,969 --> 01:08:21,143
That isn't a nudist gathering.
Somebody's been having you on.
976
01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:24,192
It's one of the most formal gatherings
you could imagine.
977
01:08:24,267 --> 01:08:27,441
Once again, Deane,
you have things arse backwards.
978
01:08:27,520 --> 01:08:30,899
- I understand, sir. I apologise.
- Just forget it.
979
01:08:30,982 --> 01:08:34,828
Deane... we really need
to have a private talk.
980
01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:37,121
There is something
I have to discuss with you.
981
01:08:37,238 --> 01:08:38,740
You boys get your bellies full?
982
01:08:38,823 --> 01:08:42,327
Blast, here they come again.
I would rather not have to talk to them.
983
01:08:42,410 --> 01:08:45,505
- Can't we just do business?
- I can take care of these old boys.
984
01:08:45,580 --> 01:08:48,083
And I shall just pop up
and examine the painting.
985
01:08:48,166 --> 01:08:51,261
Gentlemen.
Found some nourishment, I see.
986
01:08:52,795 --> 01:08:57,722
Have you boys heard of a little thing
called live karaoke?
987
01:08:57,800 --> 01:08:59,143
(SPEAK JAPANESE)
988
01:09:08,561 --> 01:09:12,282
♪ How lucky can one guy be?
989
01:09:12,357 --> 01:09:15,076
♪ I kissed her and she kissed me
990
01:09:15,985 --> 01:09:18,158
♪ Like a fella once said
991
01:09:18,237 --> 01:09:21,286
♪ Ain't that a kick in the head?
992
01:09:23,326 --> 01:09:26,751
♪ The room was completely black
993
01:09:32,543 --> 01:09:35,262
Thank you, gents. That'll do.
994
01:10:00,196 --> 01:10:01,368
Hmm.
995
01:10:01,447 --> 01:10:05,372
Whoo! Let me tell you
a little bit about Texas.
996
01:10:05,451 --> 01:10:10,548
♪ The stars at night are big and bright
997
01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:13,627
♪ Deep in the heart of Texas
998
01:10:15,086 --> 01:10:19,011
♪ The prairie sky is wide and high
999
01:10:28,891 --> 01:10:31,360
Yippee-ai!
1000
01:10:31,436 --> 01:10:34,861
♪ Deep in the heart of Texas
1001
01:10:39,068 --> 01:10:42,789
That's my boys!
Deep in the heart of Texas!
1002
01:10:56,461 --> 01:10:59,715
Assuming I close this deal,
may we conclude yours as well?
1003
01:10:59,797 --> 01:11:01,174
The painting arrived, yes?
1004
01:11:01,257 --> 01:11:03,476
Harry told you
he was going to take a look at it.
1005
01:11:03,551 --> 01:11:07,055
No, he couldn't have.
My security's on, you see.
1006
01:11:07,138 --> 01:11:08,230
Your security?
1007
01:11:08,306 --> 01:11:11,150
It's quite an ingenious system.
I dreamt it up myself.
1008
01:11:11,225 --> 01:11:13,603
I hope he's not stupid enough
to have gone up there.
1009
01:11:13,686 --> 01:11:15,654
Then again,
we are talking about Deane.
1010
01:11:25,782 --> 01:11:27,034
(MEOWS)
1011
01:11:32,497 --> 01:11:34,420
(MEOWS)
1012
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:47,888
(GROWLS)
1013
01:11:47,970 --> 01:11:50,223
Oh. Shit.
1014
01:11:52,475 --> 01:11:54,398
Go away.
1015
01:11:55,436 --> 01:11:57,905
(GROWLS)
- No, there's no need for that.
1016
01:12:00,066 --> 01:12:01,488
Now, stop it.
1017
01:12:03,736 --> 01:12:05,079
Stop it. Oh!
1018
01:12:05,154 --> 01:12:06,656
PJ: Harry?
1019
01:12:08,825 --> 01:12:10,827
Damn.
1020
01:12:12,286 --> 01:12:14,835
OK, Harry,
I'm gonna have to take him down.
1021
01:12:15,456 --> 01:12:17,584
Ya! Come on, big boy!
1022
01:12:19,043 --> 01:12:22,343
Bad lion! Bad lion! Come on!
1023
01:12:23,381 --> 01:12:25,554
Heel! Come on!
1024
01:12:33,266 --> 01:12:34,813
To the deal, then.
1025
01:12:34,892 --> 01:12:36,735
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
1026
01:12:36,811 --> 01:12:38,688
ALL: Banzai!
1027
01:12:38,771 --> 01:12:40,773
ALL: Oh!
1028
01:12:44,527 --> 01:12:46,825
(GROANS)
1029
01:12:46,904 --> 01:12:49,532
Well, that's that.
1030
01:12:50,700 --> 01:12:53,294
- Are you sure he's secure?
- That's a double granny.
1031
01:12:53,369 --> 01:12:54,962
He can't work out of that.
1032
01:12:57,123 --> 01:13:00,673
Ms Puznowski,
your timing is impeccable.
1033
01:13:00,751 --> 01:13:02,594
Thank you.
1034
01:13:02,670 --> 01:13:05,014
I can handle anything
that's got four legs.
1035
01:13:05,089 --> 01:13:06,887
Once you trip 'em up, they're gravy.
1036
01:13:06,966 --> 01:13:09,060
- As your momma used to say.
(GROWLS)
1037
01:13:09,135 --> 01:13:11,513
I'm going to get somebody
to deal with him.
1038
01:13:18,519 --> 01:13:20,487
Hey, Shabby.
1039
01:13:20,563 --> 01:13:22,440
Where on earth have you been?
1040
01:13:22,523 --> 01:13:23,695
Well...
1041
01:13:27,486 --> 01:13:30,990
God, Deane,
this is so typical of you.
1042
01:13:31,073 --> 01:13:34,668
What on earth were you doing larking
about up here creating a nuisance?
1043
01:13:34,744 --> 01:13:37,748
More than a nuisance,
a bloody dangerous situation.
1044
01:13:37,830 --> 01:13:40,458
PJ could well have been mauled,
and all to no end.
1045
01:13:40,541 --> 01:13:44,887
Hardly to no end. It is my job to ensure
the integrity of the collection.
1046
01:13:44,962 --> 01:13:46,930
LIONEL:
Sorry, Deane, it isn't your job.
1047
01:13:47,006 --> 01:13:49,304
Sorry to have to break it to you
like this,
1048
01:13:49,383 --> 01:13:51,477
but we're knocking it on the head.
1049
01:13:51,552 --> 01:13:54,431
I've got a new man.
It was a bloody chore hiring him.
1050
01:13:54,513 --> 01:13:56,607
I had to advance him two years' salary.
1051
01:13:58,267 --> 01:14:00,895
- Zaidenweber?
- Zaidenweber.
1052
01:14:13,950 --> 01:14:16,044
I am pleased to inspect.
1053
01:14:16,160 --> 01:14:19,460
- Fine, but I hardly think you're...
- Stand down, Deane.
1054
01:14:26,253 --> 01:14:29,473
How does it look, Martin?
What do you say?
1055
01:14:35,930 --> 01:14:38,854
Ja. Almost incredible.
1056
01:14:39,558 --> 01:14:42,732
Almost incredible.
1057
01:14:44,063 --> 01:14:45,906
But...
1058
01:14:57,326 --> 01:14:59,374
Yeah.
1059
01:15:00,621 --> 01:15:02,294
The painting is in order.
1060
01:15:02,373 --> 01:15:04,796
- It's beautiful, isn't it?
LIONEL: - Hm-hmm.
1061
01:15:04,875 --> 01:15:07,628
MARTIN:
The brush strokes. The impasto.
1062
01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:11,342
Everything is just quite the way
it should be.
1063
01:15:11,424 --> 01:15:14,303
And there are certain things
that you cannot phoney up.
1064
01:15:14,385 --> 01:15:18,481
Gross depiction, maybe, but
the finer fingerprints of technique, no,
1065
01:15:18,556 --> 01:15:20,479
absolutely not, you cannot, no.
1066
01:15:20,558 --> 01:15:25,064
I mean, this is, I have to say,
really quite bloody marvellous.
1067
01:15:25,187 --> 01:15:27,781
This is authentic.
1068
01:15:27,857 --> 01:15:31,737
Now, you can do tests
until your testicles are cerulean blue,
1069
01:15:31,819 --> 01:15:34,948
but there is no doubt in my mind.
1070
01:15:35,031 --> 01:15:37,204
LIONEL: - Alright, then.
- Bollocks.
1071
01:15:40,995 --> 01:15:42,838
- I beg your pardon?
- Bollocks.
1072
01:15:42,913 --> 01:15:44,130
Excuse me?
1073
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:52,348
Anyone with an eye can see
that something is amiss here.
1074
01:15:52,423 --> 01:15:54,346
What the devil are you...?
1075
01:15:55,134 --> 01:15:58,104
(YELLS)
- Harry!
1076
01:15:59,013 --> 01:16:00,356
(GASPS)
1077
01:16:00,431 --> 01:16:02,900
Fake.
1078
01:16:02,975 --> 01:16:06,195
The impasto is a caricature
of Monet's actual brush handling,
1079
01:16:06,312 --> 01:16:08,531
which was infinitely more subtle.
1080
01:16:08,606 --> 01:16:11,780
And as far as I'm aware,
Monet never painted over
1081
01:16:11,859 --> 01:16:14,282
a rather hackneyed portrait of...
1082
01:16:22,828 --> 01:16:23,954
LIONEL: Martin.
1083
01:16:27,500 --> 01:16:29,502
I'm disappointed.
1084
01:16:30,920 --> 01:16:32,922
(RETCHES)
1085
01:16:37,635 --> 01:16:39,854
Imagine how I feel.
1086
01:16:45,392 --> 01:16:48,316
Auf Wiedersehen, meine Lieblinge.
1087
01:16:54,235 --> 01:16:57,785
And as for you, you're either
rather clever or not clever enough.
1088
01:16:57,863 --> 01:17:01,458
Either way, it's clear
that you're of no further use to me.
1089
01:17:01,534 --> 01:17:03,912
Speaking of clever, what did you expect?
1090
01:17:03,994 --> 01:17:06,292
It was hanging on a wall
in a trailer in Texas.
1091
01:17:06,372 --> 01:17:10,422
And besides,
I was never gonna be any use to you.
1092
01:17:10,501 --> 01:17:14,131
Well, no harm done.
1093
01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:19,894
Just a bit of a waste of time,
that's all.
1094
01:17:19,969 --> 01:17:23,314
Well, Deane, against expectations,
1095
01:17:23,389 --> 01:17:25,767
you seem to know
what you're on about rather.
1096
01:17:25,850 --> 01:17:28,319
You will continue in the job.
1097
01:17:28,394 --> 01:17:30,988
- Now, if you'll excuse me...
- I think not, sir.
1098
01:17:34,316 --> 01:17:35,533
You think not what?
1099
01:17:35,609 --> 01:17:38,704
I think not regarding
continuing in the job.
1100
01:17:38,779 --> 01:17:41,077
I'm afraid I can no longer
render services
1101
01:17:41,157 --> 01:17:45,333
to a man who'd wilfully insult
the intelligence and moral character
1102
01:17:45,411 --> 01:17:48,381
of a woman I have so come
to admire and respect.
1103
01:17:52,793 --> 01:17:54,795
You are a boor, sir.
1104
01:17:55,963 --> 01:17:59,058
And a bully. And I've had enough.
1105
01:17:59,133 --> 01:18:01,727
So I'll just gather my kit...
1106
01:18:04,138 --> 01:18:07,688
...and bid you a semi-fond farewell.
1107
01:18:08,934 --> 01:18:10,857
Ms Puznowski, may I see you out?
1108
01:18:12,688 --> 01:18:14,690
Yes, you may.
1109
01:18:15,399 --> 01:18:16,867
HARRY: Excuse me.
1110
01:18:20,029 --> 01:18:21,656
You know, Harry Deane,
1111
01:18:21,739 --> 01:18:24,868
for an Englishman, you sure do have
some big old cojones.
1112
01:18:36,128 --> 01:18:39,928
MAJOR: They say
you can't put a price on dignity,
1113
01:18:40,007 --> 01:18:43,602
but if you could, in Harry Deane's case,
1114
01:18:43,677 --> 01:18:48,103
it would be approximately £11 million.
1115
01:18:48,182 --> 01:18:50,856
Well, that didn't go
exactly according to plan.
1116
01:18:52,478 --> 01:18:56,608
I know it sounds funny coming from me,
but now I wish you'd let him buy it.
1117
01:18:56,690 --> 01:18:58,863
I just couldn't help myself, you know?
1118
01:18:58,943 --> 01:19:00,695
Hear, hear.
1119
01:19:01,528 --> 01:19:03,371
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
1120
01:19:03,489 --> 01:19:05,867
No, no, you did your bit.
I owe you your wages.
1121
01:19:09,245 --> 01:19:10,497
Here we are.
1122
01:19:12,623 --> 01:19:14,625
Well, here we are.
1123
01:19:35,312 --> 01:19:37,360
Your tickets.
1124
01:19:37,481 --> 01:19:40,576
- I regret that it's economy.
- Unrestricted.
1125
01:19:45,322 --> 01:19:49,953
- Well, goodbye, Harry.
- Goodbye.
1126
01:20:00,754 --> 01:20:02,131
PJ: Come here.
1127
01:20:06,844 --> 01:20:08,846
- Major.
- Madam.
1128
01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:24,987
Shall we, Major?
1129
01:20:30,200 --> 01:20:31,497
No problems, then, sir?
1130
01:20:31,577 --> 01:20:34,205
Security was a little tougher
than I'd anticipated.
1131
01:20:34,288 --> 01:20:36,791
MAJOR: But you had time
to make the switch?
1132
01:20:36,874 --> 01:20:39,627
DEANE: Oh, yes.
Shabandar will never suspect.
1133
01:20:39,710 --> 01:20:41,087
Beautiful work, Major.
1134
01:20:41,170 --> 01:20:43,389
MAJOR: - On which one?
HARRY: - Both of them.
1135
01:20:43,464 --> 01:20:47,219
Although I'm afraid I had to destroy
your Dusk to prove it was a fake.
1136
01:20:47,301 --> 01:20:50,271
Understood, sir. No hard feelings.
1137
01:20:58,103 --> 01:21:02,950
Thoughtful of this gentleman to make
the trip. Saves us going to Japan.
1138
01:21:04,860 --> 01:21:06,203
Mr Takagawa.
1139
01:21:06,278 --> 01:21:08,326
- Hello, Harry.
HARRY: - Hello, Charlie.
1140
01:21:08,405 --> 01:21:10,624
Hello, Major. Everything alright?
1141
01:21:10,699 --> 01:21:13,828
- Everything according to plan.
- Right you are, Mr Deane.
1142
01:21:14,995 --> 01:21:16,588
- Very good.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
1143
01:21:19,249 --> 01:21:21,251
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
1144
01:21:22,711 --> 01:21:25,305
Mr Takagawa wants to thank you.
1145
01:21:25,381 --> 01:21:28,885
He says he has been waiting 18 years
for this moment.
1146
01:21:29,009 --> 01:21:31,853
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
- Not at all. Pleasure to have done it.
1147
01:21:31,929 --> 01:21:34,273
(SPEAK JAPANESE)
1148
01:21:34,348 --> 01:21:35,691
Oh, yes.
1149
01:21:35,766 --> 01:21:38,895
I'm clever. But look.
1150
01:21:39,895 --> 01:21:42,398
Monet.
1151
01:21:42,481 --> 01:21:47,078
Inimitable. Though no doubt
your version will satisfy Shabandar.
1152
01:21:47,152 --> 01:21:49,154
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
1153
01:21:51,156 --> 01:21:53,500
He assures me
the transfer has been made.
1154
01:21:53,617 --> 01:21:55,836
The money should now be
in your Swiss account.
1155
01:21:55,911 --> 01:21:58,130
- Excellent.
MAJOR: - Hello?
1156
01:21:58,205 --> 01:22:00,207
Major?
1157
01:22:01,250 --> 01:22:03,753
It's gone through.
1158
01:22:03,836 --> 01:22:05,930
So much better
than having to count it all.
1159
01:22:06,004 --> 01:22:09,759
I'd have got it all bollocksed up
before I got to ten million.
1160
01:22:09,842 --> 01:22:12,311
- Thank you, gentlemen.
- Thank you, Harry.
1161
01:22:13,470 --> 01:22:16,269
Has anyone given you anything
to take on board our flight?
1162
01:22:16,348 --> 01:22:18,396
- No, ma'am.
- Thank you.
1163
01:22:35,868 --> 01:22:37,870
Oh, Harry Deane.
1164
01:22:39,746 --> 01:22:41,999
HARRY: You'll see
she gets what we owe her?
1165
01:22:42,082 --> 01:22:45,757
MAJOR: Certainly, sir.
And should we upgrade her ticket?
1166
01:22:45,836 --> 01:22:48,009
Yes, why don't we?
1167
01:22:48,088 --> 01:22:50,841
- Bit of an extravagance.
- Oh, well.
1168
01:22:51,925 --> 01:22:54,428
How will you explain it?
1169
01:22:54,553 --> 01:22:57,022
You know me, Major.
I'll think of something.
1170
01:22:58,599 --> 01:23:00,601
Fancy trying your hand at Picasso?
1171
01:23:00,726 --> 01:23:02,854
MAJOR:
Do you think we'd find a use for it?
1172
01:23:02,936 --> 01:23:05,780
HARRY: Seems Donald Trump
is obsessed with the fellow.
1173
01:23:05,856 --> 01:23:08,780
And there's many a billionaire in Texas.
1174
01:23:08,859 --> 01:23:10,111
MAJOR: Mr Deane.
1175
01:23:10,194 --> 01:23:14,415
HARRY: Oh, yes, Major.
The opportunities are endless.
1176
01:23:41,725 --> 01:23:45,104
♪ How lucky can one guy be?
1177
01:23:45,187 --> 01:23:48,782
♪ I kissed her and she kissed me
1178
01:23:48,857 --> 01:23:51,030
♪ Like a fella once said
1179
01:23:51,109 --> 01:23:54,158
♪ Ain't that a kick in the head?
1180
01:23:56,240 --> 01:23:59,039
♪ The room was completely black
1181
01:23:59,743 --> 01:24:03,122
♪ I hugged her and she hugged back
1182
01:24:03,205 --> 01:24:08,336
♪ Like a sailor said, quote,
"Ain't that a hole in the boat?"
1183
01:24:09,586 --> 01:24:12,635
♪ My head keeps spinning
1184
01:24:12,756 --> 01:24:16,181
♪ I go to sleep and keep grinning
1185
01:24:16,260 --> 01:24:19,764
♪ If this is just the beginning
1186
01:24:19,846 --> 01:24:24,727
♪ My life is gonna be beautiful
1187
01:24:24,810 --> 01:24:28,360
♪ She's telling me we'll be wed
1188
01:24:28,438 --> 01:24:31,362
♪ She's picked out a king-size bed
1189
01:24:32,067 --> 01:24:35,162
♪ I couldn't feel any better
1190
01:24:35,279 --> 01:24:37,247
♪ Or I'd be sick
1191
01:24:38,824 --> 01:24:40,826
♪ Tell me quick
1192
01:24:41,994 --> 01:24:43,996
♪ Oh, ain't that a kick?
1193
01:24:46,081 --> 01:24:47,833
♪ Tell me quick
1194
01:24:47,916 --> 01:24:53,343
♪ Ain't that a kick in the head?
1195
01:24:59,386 --> 01:25:02,390
("RODEO" BY ROBBY ARMSTRONG)