1
00:03:55,666 --> 00:04:01,505
"Here, of course, it is the same,
apparently, without rational explanation.
2
00:04:01,630 --> 00:04:06,176
"But it's quite easy, when you
come to think of it logically, in fact.
3
00:04:06,385 --> 00:04:10,514
"Doctor Grayson was never in London
at the time of the murder.
4
00:04:10,639 --> 00:04:14,100
"In fact, the good doctor stayed
at a small hotel in Melksham
5
00:04:14,225 --> 00:04:15,726
"on the night in question
6
00:04:15,851 --> 00:04:19,272
"and then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train,
7
00:04:19,397 --> 00:04:22,817
"disguised as
Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,
8
00:04:22,942 --> 00:04:27,405
"making sure his arrival
was noted by the ticket inspector.
9
00:04:27,530 --> 00:04:30,616
"From then on,
his plan was simplicity itself.
10
00:04:31,618 --> 00:04:33,662
"Knowing it was Burton's day off,
11
00:04:33,787 --> 00:04:36,790
"he had no difficulty
in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved
12
00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:40,377
"and murdering Sir Mortimer
with the arrow from the astrolabe,
13
00:04:40,502 --> 00:04:43,171
"which he had previously sharpened
on the stone-knife grinder
14
00:04:43,297 --> 00:04:44,548
"by the scullery window.
15
00:04:44,715 --> 00:04:49,760
"Remember my query
about brass knives, at the time?
16
00:04:50,845 --> 00:04:54,599
"I was worried
about those metal shavings. "
17
00:04:55,391 --> 00:05:00,354
"By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.
You don't miss a trick,
18
00:05:00,479 --> 00:05:06,652
"but since you appear to know so much,
sir," continued the Inspector, humbly,
19
00:05:06,777 --> 00:05:10,364
"I wonder if you could explain just
how the murderer managed
20
00:05:10,489 --> 00:05:13,284
"to leave the body of his victim
in the middle of the tennis court
21
00:05:13,409 --> 00:05:17,872
"and effect his escape without leaving
any tracks behind him in the red dust.
22
00:05:17,997 --> 00:05:22,918
"Frankly, sir, we in the police force
are just plain baffled. "
23
00:05:30,425 --> 00:05:35,847
St John Lord Merridew,
the great detective, rose majestically,
24
00:05:35,972 --> 00:05:40,894
his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
25
00:05:41,019 --> 00:05:44,690
Slowly he brushed the crumbs
of seedy cake
26
00:05:44,815 --> 00:05:47,443
from the folds
of his pendulous waistcoat.
27
00:05:47,568 --> 00:05:50,905
"The police may be baffled, Inspector,"
he boomed,
28
00:05:51,030 --> 00:05:53,366
"but Merridew is not. "
29
00:05:53,491 --> 00:05:57,411
"Thirty years ago, the murderer,
Doctor Grayson,
30
00:05:57,536 --> 00:06:00,373
"was a prominent member
of the Ballet Russe,
31
00:06:00,498 --> 00:06:03,333
"dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
32
00:06:04,376 --> 00:06:07,045
"Though the years had altered
his appearance somewhat,
33
00:06:07,170 --> 00:06:09,631
"yet his old skill had not deserted him.
34
00:06:09,756 --> 00:06:11,967
"He carried the body
to the centre of the court,
35
00:06:12,092 --> 00:06:14,386
"walking on his points
36
00:06:14,511 --> 00:06:17,889
"along the white tape
which separated the service boxes
37
00:06:18,014 --> 00:06:22,018
"and from there
he threw it seven feet into the court,
38
00:06:22,143 --> 00:06:24,354
"close to the base line,
where it was found,
39
00:06:24,479 --> 00:06:28,149
"and then,
with a neatly executed fouetté,
40
00:06:28,275 --> 00:06:32,195
"he faced about
and went back the way he had come,
41
00:06:32,362 --> 00:06:34,906
"thus leaving no traces.
42
00:06:35,824 --> 00:06:39,868
"And that, Inspector,
is Merridew's solution. "
43
00:06:39,994 --> 00:06:41,245
Hello?
44
00:06:41,871 --> 00:06:43,373
Are you there?
45
00:06:43,915 --> 00:06:45,333
Mr Wyke?
46
00:06:46,459 --> 00:06:47,836
Mr Wyke?
47
00:06:47,961 --> 00:06:49,963
- Who's there?
- It's me, Milo Tindle.
48
00:06:50,088 --> 00:06:51,172
I think you're expecting me.
49
00:06:51,339 --> 00:06:54,134
Yes indeed, so good of you to come.
Won't you join me?
50
00:06:54,259 --> 00:06:58,180
Well, I have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
51
00:07:01,350 --> 00:07:02,852
Here we are.
52
00:07:08,399 --> 00:07:11,777
Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
I designed it myself.
53
00:07:11,902 --> 00:07:15,238
Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
54
00:07:15,363 --> 00:07:17,741
I must say
you're not an easy man to drop in on.
55
00:07:17,866 --> 00:07:21,453
Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
I'm Andrew Wyke.
56
00:07:21,578 --> 00:07:24,247
- Welcome to Cloak Manor.
- Thank you.
57
00:07:24,372 --> 00:07:26,625
I found your note when I came down
from London this afternoon.
58
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:29,210
Oh, good, yes.
I hoped you'd be here this weekend,
59
00:07:29,336 --> 00:07:32,672
so I pushed it through your letter box
a little earlier today.
60
00:07:32,797 --> 00:07:35,133
Well, now, what will you have to drink?
61
00:07:35,425 --> 00:07:37,719
- Vodka and tonic, please.
- Of course.
62
00:07:37,844 --> 00:07:41,181
How are you settling in here
at Laundry Cottage?
63
00:07:41,306 --> 00:07:42,307
Very well, thank you.
64
00:07:42,474 --> 00:07:44,643
Using it for weekends
and that sort of thing?
65
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,770
Yes, that sort of thing.
66
00:07:47,646 --> 00:07:51,231
Vodka,
I don't seem to have any out here. Is...
67
00:07:51,357 --> 00:07:53,484
- Gin will do.
- Good.
68
00:07:53,651 --> 00:07:55,861
Yes, a charming little place,
Laundry Cottage.
69
00:07:56,028 --> 00:07:58,280
IdeaI for relaxations of all kinds.
70
00:07:58,405 --> 00:08:01,241
Unfortunately,
I don't have time for them myself.
71
00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:02,618
As a matter of fact,
72
00:08:02,785 --> 00:08:05,913
I've just dictated the dénouement
of my new book,
73
00:08:06,038 --> 00:08:07,749
Death by Double-Fault.
74
00:08:07,874 --> 00:08:10,585
I must say it's gone extremely well.
75
00:08:10,710 --> 00:08:12,921
Now then, soda, soda, soda...
76
00:08:14,589 --> 00:08:15,590
Dear.
77
00:08:15,757 --> 00:08:18,677
I don't seem to have
any tonic here either, it's awfuI.
78
00:08:18,802 --> 00:08:20,762
- Here, shall we go indoors?
- Whatever you like.
79
00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:22,097
Good.
80
00:08:22,639 --> 00:08:26,058
Tell me,
do you agree that the detective story
81
00:08:26,183 --> 00:08:29,353
is the normaI recreation
of noble minds?
82
00:08:29,478 --> 00:08:32,356
I'm afraid I don't know
very much about noble minds.
83
00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:33,565
Is it supposed to be?
84
00:08:33,691 --> 00:08:37,736
I'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
a biographer of the '30s.
85
00:08:37,861 --> 00:08:40,531
The golden age
when every cabinet minister
86
00:08:40,656 --> 00:08:44,702
had a thriller by his bedside
and all detectives were titled.
87
00:08:44,827 --> 00:08:47,746
- Before your time, I expect.
- Somewhat. Let me carry that.
88
00:08:48,289 --> 00:08:50,541
Thank you so much. Very good of you.
89
00:08:50,666 --> 00:08:55,337
Yet, you know, even today,
I still set my works among the gentry
90
00:08:55,462 --> 00:08:58,257
and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them
91
00:08:58,382 --> 00:09:00,342
in spite of our classless society.
92
00:09:00,467 --> 00:09:02,760
I imagine they do a great deaI
of your stuff on television.
93
00:09:03,553 --> 00:09:09,100
God forbid, I'd never permit it.
And, incidentally, it's not "stuff".
94
00:09:09,225 --> 00:09:12,687
No,
television is not my line of country at all.
95
00:09:12,812 --> 00:09:16,399
That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
96
00:09:16,524 --> 00:09:19,903
And therefore,
no recreation for noble minds?
97
00:09:20,029 --> 00:09:23,324
You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if I may so address you.
98
00:09:23,699 --> 00:09:27,119
You might as well, we're all on
first name terms these days, Andrew.
99
00:09:27,244 --> 00:09:31,457
Of course we are, and you and I
do need to be friendly, do we not?
100
00:09:53,102 --> 00:09:55,897
How would you like your drink?
With ice?
101
00:09:58,066 --> 00:09:59,317
With ice?
102
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,861
Yes, please.
103
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:19,711
What does he do?
104
00:10:24,508 --> 00:10:27,052
That's Jolly Jack Tar, the JoviaI Sailor.
105
00:10:27,219 --> 00:10:29,846
He and I
have a really splendid relationship.
106
00:10:29,972 --> 00:10:32,725
I make the jokes and he laughs at them.
107
00:10:32,850 --> 00:10:36,729
Here, mein freund,
put that behind your necktie.
108
00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:39,482
- He didn't laugh.
- No, he wasn't meant to.
109
00:10:39,649 --> 00:10:42,402
- I thought you were trying to be funny.
- No, you'll know it when I am.
110
00:10:42,527 --> 00:10:43,695
I see.
111
00:10:43,861 --> 00:10:45,363
- Cheers.
- Prost.
112
00:10:50,492 --> 00:10:53,120
- What's this?
- That is an intensely complicated
113
00:10:53,245 --> 00:10:55,956
4th Dynasty blocking game,
called Simera.
114
00:10:56,081 --> 00:10:58,875
I've been studying the thing for months,
but I'm still only a beginner.
115
00:10:59,001 --> 00:11:00,794
I wonder if you'd mind putting that back.
116
00:11:00,919 --> 00:11:02,588
It's taken me rather a long time
to get it there.
117
00:11:02,713 --> 00:11:06,508
That's the centre column,
fourth from your right.
118
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:10,429
Well, now,
I understand you want to marry my wife.
119
00:11:14,433 --> 00:11:15,934
Forgive me raising the matter,
120
00:11:16,059 --> 00:11:19,271
but as Marguerite is away for a few days
in the North, visiting relatives,
121
00:11:19,396 --> 00:11:21,565
I thought this might be
an appropriate moment for you and me
122
00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:23,734
to have a little chat.
123
00:11:23,859 --> 00:11:25,109
I see.
124
00:11:25,568 --> 00:11:27,945
Well, is it true?
125
00:11:29,780 --> 00:11:33,451
- Yes, with your permission, of course.
- Why not?
126
00:11:33,576 --> 00:11:36,871
You seem to be a personable enough
young man, nicely spoken,
127
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:40,249
neatly dressed in brand new
country gentlemen's clothing.
128
00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:42,920
I'm sure you won't mind me
asking you a few questions
129
00:11:43,086 --> 00:11:46,214
about your background, parents,
and so forth.
130
00:11:47,257 --> 00:11:51,303
My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
131
00:11:51,428 --> 00:11:55,849
and my father is an Italian, who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
132
00:11:55,974 --> 00:12:00,061
- In the '30s? Is he Jewish?
- No, Catholic, very devout.
133
00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:01,687
Of course,
I'm not religious at all myself.
134
00:12:01,812 --> 00:12:04,732
My dear boy,
you don't have to excuse yourself to me.
135
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:08,778
We're all liberals here.
I have no prejudice against Catholics.
136
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,821
Not even the lapsed Catholics.
137
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:15,577
In fact some of my best friends
are lapsed Catholic.
138
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:18,330
Tell me about your father,
was his name Tindle, too?
139
00:12:18,455 --> 00:12:20,999
No, his name was Tindolini,
140
00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:23,418
but if you had a name like that
in those days
141
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:26,088
you had to "make-a the ice-a cream-a".
142
00:12:26,922 --> 00:12:29,758
He was a watchmaker
and he wanted us to become English,
143
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,886
- so he changed it.
- Become English?
144
00:12:34,805 --> 00:12:38,808
- Was he a successfuI man?
- No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't.
145
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:44,689
You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
146
00:12:44,814 --> 00:12:48,192
He went broke in the end.
I always told him he would.
147
00:12:48,317 --> 00:12:51,779
That must make him
something of a burden to you.
148
00:12:51,946 --> 00:12:54,032
Yeah, it does a bit.
149
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,327
He never went back, you see.
150
00:12:57,452 --> 00:13:00,122
He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
151
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,624
And you, what do you do?
152
00:13:04,042 --> 00:13:05,586
Don't you know?
153
00:13:07,838 --> 00:13:10,924
I have a hair dressing salon
in South Kensington.
154
00:13:11,049 --> 00:13:12,133
Casa Tindolini.
155
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,093
You can use that word these days,
can you?
156
00:13:14,218 --> 00:13:16,304
People don't take it
for an ice cream salon?
157
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:20,266
No, the birds... The ladies seem to like
the continentaI touch.
158
00:13:20,391 --> 00:13:26,272
- English too wholesome for them, eh?
- Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see?
159
00:13:26,397 --> 00:13:30,318
We found that it pays
to provide the Latin lover atmosphere.
160
00:13:30,484 --> 00:13:32,320
Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker
in the Brighton shop,
161
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:35,239
they're less sophisticated down there.
162
00:13:35,364 --> 00:13:38,117
I mean to say, in London,
half of them have actually got...
163
00:13:38,242 --> 00:13:39,702
Latin lovers?
164
00:13:42,246 --> 00:13:46,709
And where do you live?
Above, behind or below your shop?
165
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:50,587
I lease a mews house nearby.
It's convenient and attractive.
166
00:13:50,754 --> 00:13:52,505
It's Georgian, actually.
167
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:55,300
From Genoa to Georgian
in a single generation, eh?
168
00:13:55,425 --> 00:13:56,593
Not bad.
169
00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,972
But I doubt whether an 18th century
architecturaI gem in South Kensington
170
00:14:01,097 --> 00:14:04,100
whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
171
00:14:04,225 --> 00:14:07,229
She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
172
00:14:07,355 --> 00:14:11,025
I understood she was already living in it,
once or twice a week at least.
173
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,110
I'm not mistaken, am I?
174
00:14:15,446 --> 00:14:17,740
And that your motive
in renting the cottage down here
175
00:14:17,865 --> 00:14:20,826
was to increase the incidence
of this bi-weekly coupling.
176
00:14:20,952 --> 00:14:23,370
Is that what you've asked me over here
to chat about?
177
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:25,956
Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
178
00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:30,794
If I choose to say
that my wife converses like a child of six
179
00:14:30,919 --> 00:14:33,922
and makes love like an extinct shellfish,
I shall.
180
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:37,217
And I don't need to ask
her lover's permission to do so either!
181
00:14:37,342 --> 00:14:39,261
- Thank you for the drink.
- Oh, now, now.
182
00:14:39,386 --> 00:14:40,929
I thought you were
brought up in England.
183
00:14:41,054 --> 00:14:43,390
Surely you know
it's not done to be rude.
184
00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:45,850
You were being rude
about a woman I'm in love with.
185
00:14:45,976 --> 00:14:48,603
On the contrary,
I was reminiscing about my wife.
186
00:14:48,728 --> 00:14:51,398
- It comes to the same thing.
- Things mostly do, you know.
187
00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:55,735
I'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you
who'll be being rude about Marguerite
188
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:57,320
and I will be being rhapsodic,
189
00:14:57,445 --> 00:14:59,989
and have quite forgotten
how intolerably tiresome,
190
00:15:00,114 --> 00:15:05,244
vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent
and generally bloody crafty she really is!
191
00:15:07,538 --> 00:15:11,250
Can you afford
to take her off my hands?
192
00:15:17,632 --> 00:15:20,176
- Afford to?
- Support her in the style
193
00:15:20,302 --> 00:15:24,514
to which she was not accustomed
before she met me, but now is?
194
00:15:24,639 --> 00:15:28,226
Well, I'm not a millionaire,
but I'm not starving either.
195
00:15:28,351 --> 00:15:30,478
The shop in London's doing all right,
196
00:15:30,604 --> 00:15:32,814
the one in Brighton's
almost breaking even.
197
00:15:32,939 --> 00:15:35,149
- By this time next year...
- This year, next year, sometime, never.
198
00:15:35,274 --> 00:15:38,819
What you're really saying is
that, at present, you're skint.
199
00:15:38,944 --> 00:15:41,864
- We'll survive.
- SurvivaI is scarcely the point.
200
00:15:41,989 --> 00:15:43,741
Presumably,
when you're married to Marguerite,
201
00:15:43,866 --> 00:15:46,910
you'll want a place on the Riviera,
a fast car, couple of mistresses.
202
00:15:47,036 --> 00:15:49,163
Presumably?
Just because you need those things?
203
00:15:49,288 --> 00:15:52,958
Oh, no, just this fading mansion,
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
204
00:15:53,083 --> 00:15:55,085
and only one mistress, I'm afraid.
205
00:15:55,210 --> 00:15:57,963
Tea, the Finnish bird,
who runs the sauna in Salisbury.
206
00:15:58,172 --> 00:16:00,049
You know about Tea, do you?
207
00:16:00,174 --> 00:16:02,259
Marguerite and I have no secrets
from each other.
208
00:16:02,384 --> 00:16:04,470
Not even mine, it seems.
209
00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:07,306
Tea is a Grelian goddess.
210
00:16:07,681 --> 00:16:09,266
Her golden hair smells of pine
211
00:16:09,391 --> 00:16:14,103
and her cobalt eyes are
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
212
00:16:14,854 --> 00:16:16,648
I hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde
213
00:16:16,773 --> 00:16:19,150
with all the sex appeaI
of a second-hand jeep.
214
00:16:19,317 --> 00:16:21,277
Not so, dear boy,
you can take it from me.
215
00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:23,947
Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
216
00:16:24,072 --> 00:16:26,449
Mind you,
she takes a bit of keeping up with.
217
00:16:26,574 --> 00:16:30,788
It's a good thing I am pretty much
of an Olympic sexuaI athlete.
218
00:16:30,913 --> 00:16:35,292
Yes, I suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints
219
00:16:35,417 --> 00:16:37,294
than on the long distance stuff.
220
00:16:37,419 --> 00:16:40,589
Not so, dear boy,
I'm in the pink of condition.
221
00:16:40,714 --> 00:16:43,842
I could copulate for England
at any distance.
222
00:16:44,677 --> 00:16:46,011
Red.
223
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:49,222
Well, as they say in the Olympics,
224
00:16:49,347 --> 00:16:53,184
"It's not the winning,
it's the taking-part that counts. "
225
00:16:53,518 --> 00:16:54,602
Are you going to marry her?
226
00:16:54,769 --> 00:16:57,563
Oh, no, no, no.
I just want to live with her.
227
00:16:57,689 --> 00:16:58,940
So, what's stopping you?
228
00:16:59,065 --> 00:17:02,235
Basically,
the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd,
229
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,737
whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
230
00:17:04,862 --> 00:17:06,739
Now, now, don't be so innocent.
231
00:17:06,864 --> 00:17:08,908
Those nicotine stained
private detectives
232
00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:12,370
have been camping outside Tea's flat
for the last week.
233
00:17:12,495 --> 00:17:14,080
It was an insurance policy
234
00:17:14,205 --> 00:17:17,125
to keep you from changing your mind
about the divorce.
235
00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,335
How did you know
I wasn't having you watched?
236
00:17:19,460 --> 00:17:22,338
Why not?
Afraid of what you might find out?
237
00:17:22,463 --> 00:17:26,216
- Or didn't you think that was possible?
- Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
238
00:17:26,383 --> 00:17:28,093
Of course I knew
that they'd find you and Marguerite
239
00:17:28,218 --> 00:17:30,053
rutting away like crazed weasels,
240
00:17:30,178 --> 00:17:32,889
but why should I pay good money
to have something confirmed
241
00:17:33,015 --> 00:17:35,142
which I'd known for months?
242
00:17:35,475 --> 00:17:36,727
Black.
243
00:17:36,852 --> 00:17:39,646
And, if you knew,
why didn't you do something about it?
244
00:17:39,771 --> 00:17:41,024
Of course, I had to assure myself
245
00:17:41,149 --> 00:17:43,693
that you and Marguerite
were going to be a fixture.
246
00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:46,780
You see,
I want to lose the dear girI for life.
247
00:17:46,905 --> 00:17:52,661
Not just a two week Tindolini perm,
set and touch-up.
248
00:17:56,123 --> 00:17:58,583
- Good shot.
- Yes, it was. Yellow.
249
00:17:58,750 --> 00:18:00,209
You see,
you don't know her as well as I do.
250
00:18:00,335 --> 00:18:01,961
You think you do, but you don't.
251
00:18:02,086 --> 00:18:05,590
If you faiI her, by which I mean
cancelling the account at Harrods,
252
00:18:05,715 --> 00:18:08,092
or short-changing her on winter
in Jamaica,
253
00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:11,554
she'll be back to me in a jiffy,
mewing for support.
254
00:18:11,679 --> 00:18:15,683
And guilty wife or no,
she may be entitled to get it.
255
00:18:16,601 --> 00:18:18,937
- Green.
- Money isn't everything.
256
00:18:19,062 --> 00:18:22,190
And what if she is used to luxury?
Whose fault is that?
257
00:18:22,315 --> 00:18:26,694
It's not a fault, if you can afford it,
but can you?
258
00:18:28,905 --> 00:18:31,282
Knowing you to be hard up. Brown.
259
00:18:31,449 --> 00:18:34,243
Has she shown any signs
of mending her ways
260
00:18:34,368 --> 00:18:37,204
in these last idyllic three months?
261
00:18:37,746 --> 00:18:38,789
Blue.
262
00:18:38,914 --> 00:18:41,041
When, for instance,
did she last turn down
263
00:18:41,166 --> 00:18:44,962
a Dom Perignon in favour of,
no offence, mind you,
264
00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:48,173
the persuasive charms of Dago Red?
265
00:18:48,298 --> 00:18:49,549
Black.
266
00:18:52,428 --> 00:18:53,888
No, I'm not joking.
267
00:18:54,013 --> 00:18:57,267
How much has this brief liaison
cost you, so far?
268
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:04,148
And that old dad of yours in Soho,
when did you last send him any money?
269
00:19:04,816 --> 00:19:09,570
We have talked about money.
Often, I've told her we spend too much.
270
00:19:09,696 --> 00:19:11,488
She takes no notice?
271
00:19:11,863 --> 00:19:13,073
None.
272
00:19:13,699 --> 00:19:17,411
A silvery laugh,
a coquettish turn of the head.
273
00:19:17,536 --> 00:19:19,413
Something like that.
274
00:19:19,997 --> 00:19:23,208
Well, it's to solve this little problem
that I've invited you around here tonight
275
00:19:23,333 --> 00:19:27,879
and this, as they say,
is where the plot thickens.
276
00:19:28,547 --> 00:19:29,881
What plot?
277
00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:40,058
Whatever are you doing
with that cue in your hands?
278
00:19:40,183 --> 00:19:44,104
- I was waiting for you to miss.
- Foolish boy.
279
00:19:46,023 --> 00:19:48,399
Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
280
00:19:48,524 --> 00:19:52,653
there was an Englishman
called Andrew Wyke,
281
00:19:52,778 --> 00:19:54,614
who, in common
with most of his countrymen,
282
00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:59,660
was virtually castrated by taxation.
To avoid totaI emasculation
283
00:19:59,785 --> 00:20:02,955
his accountants advised him
to put a considerable part of his money,
284
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:08,211
some £250,000, into jewellery.
285
00:20:08,837 --> 00:20:10,672
His wife, of course, was delighted.
286
00:20:10,797 --> 00:20:13,342
Marguerite never told me
that you had given her any jewellery.
287
00:20:13,508 --> 00:20:16,929
Nor did I, of course, it's still mine,
as well she knows.
288
00:20:17,054 --> 00:20:19,556
We just thought it would be
more amusing for her to wear it
289
00:20:19,681 --> 00:20:23,225
than for me to bank it.
After all, it's fully insured.
290
00:20:24,143 --> 00:20:27,021
I see what you mean
by the plot thickening.
291
00:20:27,146 --> 00:20:28,397
I'm glad you follow me so readily.
292
00:20:28,564 --> 00:20:31,567
You see,
I want you to steaI that jewellery.
293
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:43,120
Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away,
it's an admirable opportunity.
294
00:20:43,246 --> 00:20:44,330
What about the servants?
295
00:20:44,497 --> 00:20:48,793
I've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away
to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle.
296
00:20:48,918 --> 00:20:53,339
They won't be back till Sunday night,
so, you see, the house is empty.
297
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,011
Cheers.
298
00:21:01,888 --> 00:21:03,807
Well, what do you say?
299
00:21:03,932 --> 00:21:07,102
- It sounds distinctly criminaI.
- Well, of course it's criminaI.
300
00:21:07,227 --> 00:21:10,438
All good moneymaking schemes
in England have to be these days.
301
00:21:10,563 --> 00:21:12,941
Now, the jewellery,
when it's not in the bank,
302
00:21:13,066 --> 00:21:17,738
lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
303
00:21:17,863 --> 00:21:20,783
Where, for instance,
would you look for it?
304
00:21:41,636 --> 00:21:48,226
A good likeness, would you say?
Of course, it's 17... No, 18 years ago.
305
00:21:49,102 --> 00:21:51,271
I don't think
you'd hide your safe behind it.
306
00:21:51,396 --> 00:21:53,440
I've seen that in too many movies.
307
00:21:53,565 --> 00:21:58,278
Good thinking! All right, then where?
Are you up to finding it?
308
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:04,176
There are certain skills
best acquired in public bars, I suppose.
309
00:23:04,301 --> 00:23:08,597
- But whatever made you think?
- You and your games.
310
00:23:08,722 --> 00:23:11,392
That is the only game in this room.
311
00:23:13,227 --> 00:23:16,063
Very clever.
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
312
00:23:16,188 --> 00:23:18,191
All you have to do is steaI them,
sell them abroad,
313
00:23:18,316 --> 00:23:20,485
and live happily ever after
with Marguerite.
314
00:23:20,610 --> 00:23:24,280
AII I have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
315
00:23:24,405 --> 00:23:26,907
Is that what you asked me over to hear?
316
00:23:27,032 --> 00:23:31,203
A grotty little plot
to defraud the insurance company?
317
00:23:31,328 --> 00:23:33,247
I'm sorry you found the plot grotty.
318
00:23:33,372 --> 00:23:36,125
Personally, I thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
319
00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:39,003
Look,
supposing I do as you say and nick...
320
00:23:39,128 --> 00:23:42,007
SteaI the jewels.
If I sell them under my own name,
321
00:23:42,132 --> 00:23:45,051
I'll get picked up
the moment you report the loss.
322
00:23:45,176 --> 00:23:48,346
If I sell them to a fence,
always presuming I could find one,
323
00:23:48,471 --> 00:23:51,266
he'd carve me up,
I'd get a fraction of their value.
324
00:23:51,391 --> 00:23:54,227
- Not with the fences I know.
- What fences would you know?
325
00:23:54,352 --> 00:23:57,313
The finest in Europe.
Prudent, yet prodigaI.
326
00:23:57,438 --> 00:23:59,398
I first met them when I was researching
327
00:23:59,523 --> 00:24:01,984
for The Deadly Affair
of the Druce Diamond.
328
00:24:02,109 --> 00:24:04,111
Surely you've read it.
329
00:24:04,695 --> 00:24:06,822
Pity. It was an absolute corker.
330
00:24:06,947 --> 00:24:10,075
In any case, on your behalf,
331
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:13,495
I have already contacted
a certain gentleman in Amsterdam.
332
00:24:13,621 --> 00:24:14,705
He'll treat you very well.
333
00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:17,124
You won't get the full amount
for the jewels, of course,
334
00:24:17,249 --> 00:24:24,131
but you'll get about two-thirds,
say, £170,000.
335
00:24:24,256 --> 00:24:26,258
You'll get it in cash.
336
00:24:26,884 --> 00:24:29,929
- A hundred and seventy thousand quid?
- Cash.
337
00:24:32,014 --> 00:24:33,848
Why should this fellow pay so much?
338
00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:36,726
Because he will get
what no fence ever gets,
339
00:24:36,851 --> 00:24:38,770
title to the jewels.
340
00:24:38,895 --> 00:24:41,606
You see,
in addition to stealing the jewels,
341
00:24:41,731 --> 00:24:46,486
you have also to take the receipts
I got for them.
342
00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:50,281
Now, what does
my insurance company discover
343
00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:55,371
as it swings ponderously into action,
antennae pulsing with suspicion?
344
00:24:55,496 --> 00:24:58,749
It discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke
345
00:24:58,874 --> 00:25:06,090
sold the jewels for £170,000 cash,
but they still have to pay me.
346
00:25:06,924 --> 00:25:08,634
Hard cheese!
347
00:25:09,509 --> 00:25:11,803
Think it over. Take your time.
348
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:31,447
Look, I know this sounds stupid,
but have you had any experience?
349
00:25:31,573 --> 00:25:36,077
I mean, have you ever
actually committed a crime before?
350
00:25:36,995 --> 00:25:39,706
St John Lord Merridew
would have a pretty lean time of it
351
00:25:39,831 --> 00:25:42,125
if I didn't think up any crimes
for him to solve.
352
00:25:42,250 --> 00:25:43,876
St John Lord who?
353
00:25:46,587 --> 00:25:48,964
- You're joking.
- What about?
354
00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:52,467
Who is St John Lord Merridew?
355
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,469
Why, even Marguerite,
when I first met her,
356
00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:56,263
knew and adored him.
357
00:25:56,388 --> 00:26:00,434
He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilised world.
358
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:05,023
With a nose for smelling out eviI
superior to anything on the force.
359
00:26:05,148 --> 00:26:06,649
Oh, yes.
360
00:26:06,774 --> 00:26:10,653
The police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they?
361
00:26:10,778 --> 00:26:12,322
They never solve anything.
362
00:26:12,447 --> 00:26:16,242
It's always the amateur sleuth
who knows what's going on.
363
00:26:16,367 --> 00:26:20,913
But that's detective fiction.
This is fact, this is reaI.
364
00:26:21,038 --> 00:26:23,290
I'm well aware of the difference,
my dear Milo,
365
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:27,461
but I'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
366
00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:30,505
Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me...
367
00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,925
I'm not sure that I do.
368
00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:35,969
That's why it's a very difficult decision
to make.
369
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:37,846
Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
370
00:26:37,971 --> 00:26:40,515
You have an expensive woman
and no money.
371
00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:42,559
Yeah, but why don't you
steaI the bloody jewels
372
00:26:42,684 --> 00:26:44,102
and simply hand them over to me?
373
00:26:44,227 --> 00:26:48,106
I should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look reaI.
374
00:26:48,231 --> 00:26:50,567
This house has actually
to be broken into.
375
00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:53,237
Then why don't you break into it?
376
00:26:53,362 --> 00:26:55,822
It's a question of agility for one thing,
dear boy.
377
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:58,574
Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour.
378
00:26:58,699 --> 00:27:00,618
Let me handle this,
you know what I mean?
379
00:27:00,743 --> 00:27:05,665
Crime is my bag. I got this caper
all worked out to the last detaiI.
380
00:27:08,167 --> 00:27:12,588
£170,000.
381
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:18,303
Cash, tax free.
382
00:27:19,846 --> 00:27:23,183
It'd take an awfuI lot
of Tindolini's tonsoriaI teasing
383
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:25,560
to raise that kind of money.
384
00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:28,647
All right, I'll do it.
385
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:31,775
- Where do you want me to break in?
- Oh, no, no. Not so fast.
386
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:35,820
- You've got to get disguised first.
- What for?
387
00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:39,156
Well, suppose somebody saw you
climbing in?
388
00:27:39,282 --> 00:27:41,576
Here? In the middle of nowhere?
389
00:27:41,701 --> 00:27:43,869
I could hardly find this place
with a bloody map!
390
00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:46,414
You never know.
391
00:27:46,914 --> 00:27:50,209
A dallying couple,
a passing sheep rapist.
392
00:27:50,334 --> 00:27:52,753
Besides, dear boy,
don't forget the clues we've got to leave
393
00:27:52,878 --> 00:27:54,922
for the police
and the insurance company.
394
00:27:55,047 --> 00:27:58,092
We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds,
395
00:27:58,217 --> 00:28:00,261
or your coat button
snagged on the window sill.
396
00:28:00,386 --> 00:28:03,389
No, no, no! You must be disguised!
397
00:28:03,514 --> 00:28:05,182
All right, how?
398
00:28:07,101 --> 00:28:09,853
Please to follow me, number one son.
399
00:28:13,565 --> 00:28:15,483
You know, my dear Milo,
400
00:28:15,609 --> 00:28:18,737
in the good old days, before television,
that is,
401
00:28:18,862 --> 00:28:21,990
people constructed the pleasures of life
for themselves.
402
00:28:22,115 --> 00:28:24,284
They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
403
00:28:24,409 --> 00:28:28,122
They didn't just sit and stare.
404
00:28:28,247 --> 00:28:30,708
Why, in this house
there was scarcely a weekend
405
00:28:30,833 --> 00:28:34,128
without its treasure hunts, charades,
406
00:28:34,253 --> 00:28:38,257
games of infinite variety,
make up and dress up.
407
00:28:38,382 --> 00:28:42,219
There was virtually no end
to the concealment of identity,
408
00:28:42,386 --> 00:28:44,095
but surely Marguerite has told you.
409
00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:46,681
Actually, she never mentioned it.
410
00:28:49,143 --> 00:28:51,187
It was all some time ago.
411
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:56,943
A few scenes from some of my books,
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
412
00:28:57,068 --> 00:28:59,737
The necrophilic barber
of Tunbridge Wells
413
00:28:59,862 --> 00:29:04,367
and the doltish pie poisoner
from the Simple Simon murders.
414
00:29:05,660 --> 00:29:08,287
And here's my favourite.
Now, this really is ingenious...
415
00:29:08,412 --> 00:29:12,250
Andrew, we were looking for a disguise.
416
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:14,085
Quite so, dear boy, so we were.
417
00:29:14,210 --> 00:29:17,880
Now, here we are,
the old dressing up basket,
418
00:29:18,005 --> 00:29:22,050
our old treasure chest of make-believe.
Let's see what we've got.
419
00:29:22,509 --> 00:29:27,597
This should suit. Item, one black face
mask, one black flat cap,
420
00:29:27,722 --> 00:29:30,433
a striped jersey
and a bag marked "swag".
421
00:29:31,309 --> 00:29:33,853
Why not a neon sign
with "burglar" on it?
422
00:29:34,062 --> 00:29:35,897
You may have a point.
423
00:29:36,856 --> 00:29:40,695
One of my favourites,
the ecclesiasticaI house breaker,
424
00:29:40,861 --> 00:29:42,947
Brother Lightfingers.
425
00:29:43,072 --> 00:29:45,741
Perhaps we shall never know
the identity of the cowled figure
426
00:29:45,866 --> 00:29:47,660
seen haunting the grounds
of the old Manor House
427
00:29:47,785 --> 00:29:49,036
on the night of the terrible murder.
428
00:29:49,161 --> 00:29:52,415
If living identity had happened.
429
00:29:52,540 --> 00:29:55,501
There are those to this day
who claim to hear
430
00:29:55,626 --> 00:29:59,796
the agonised screams of the victim
431
00:29:59,921 --> 00:30:03,216
echoing through the chimney pots!
432
00:30:03,341 --> 00:30:06,886
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about!
433
00:30:07,012 --> 00:30:10,807
Haven't you just got
an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat
434
00:30:10,932 --> 00:30:12,767
and a sock I can pull over my head?
435
00:30:12,892 --> 00:30:18,064
Old pair of sneakers and a sock?
Milo, where's your sense of style?
436
00:30:18,189 --> 00:30:21,318
We must give our crime
the true sparkle of the '30s,
437
00:30:21,443 --> 00:30:24,321
a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
438
00:30:24,446 --> 00:30:27,157
Don't you feeI the need
to give your old arch enemy,
439
00:30:27,282 --> 00:30:30,577
Inspector Plodder, of the Yard,
a run for his money?
440
00:30:32,369 --> 00:30:36,749
Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you.
441
00:30:36,874 --> 00:30:40,419
A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots
442
00:30:42,588 --> 00:30:45,132
and all the snuff you could want.
443
00:30:47,593 --> 00:30:49,553
Groovy!
444
00:30:49,679 --> 00:30:53,266
Look,
I might even do the whole thing in drag.
445
00:30:56,895 --> 00:30:59,439
Kiss me, you fooI.
446
00:31:00,523 --> 00:31:03,068
I can fight it no longer, darling.
447
00:31:03,652 --> 00:31:07,571
If you must go, don't look back,
Andrew...
448
00:31:08,864 --> 00:31:10,824
Jesus Christ! Who's that?
449
00:31:10,950 --> 00:31:13,953
So that's where you've been,
Auntie Borden, naughty girI.
450
00:31:14,078 --> 00:31:17,081
- Shall we decide on the dress, then?
- No, I don't like it.
451
00:31:17,623 --> 00:31:20,167
Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you?
452
00:31:20,292 --> 00:31:22,336
There doesn't seem to be
a very great deaI left.
453
00:31:22,461 --> 00:31:25,130
We'll just have to settle for Joey.
454
00:31:26,548 --> 00:31:30,928
Joey. Now you're talking.
455
00:31:31,053 --> 00:31:32,304
A clown!
456
00:31:32,554 --> 00:31:34,098
Can't you see it all?
457
00:31:34,223 --> 00:31:38,435
The sawdust ring, the tinseI, the glitter,
the lights!
458
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:40,813
The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowds.
459
00:31:40,938 --> 00:31:43,815
There is Milo Tindle,
the kiddies' delight!
460
00:31:43,940 --> 00:31:47,110
- Now, this is all right.
- Off with your jacket!
461
00:31:48,236 --> 00:31:49,612
That's right,
your shirt and your trousers.
462
00:31:49,737 --> 00:31:50,738
What for?
463
00:31:50,905 --> 00:31:53,825
We don't want the police to find
any fibres from this beautifuI frock.
464
00:31:53,950 --> 00:31:56,619
You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
465
00:31:56,744 --> 00:31:58,454
We won't take any risks, you and I.
466
00:31:58,580 --> 00:32:02,042
That's right, down to your smalls.
Don't be shy.
467
00:32:04,295 --> 00:32:07,715
I know a well brought up boy
when I see one.
468
00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:09,842
Folds his trousers at night, huh?
469
00:32:25,356 --> 00:32:30,236
Hey, slap shoes. Do you know
I've always wanted a pair of these?
470
00:32:30,361 --> 00:32:31,362
Yes, my boy.
471
00:32:31,529 --> 00:32:33,531
My father took me to the palladium
when I was a kid.
472
00:32:33,656 --> 00:32:35,491
I might have caught on
in show business, you know?
473
00:32:35,617 --> 00:32:38,036
You never know,
a lot of my friends did.
474
00:32:38,161 --> 00:32:41,581
They got to the top. You know how?
They danced their way through.
475
00:32:45,084 --> 00:32:48,296
You know, I guess vaudeville's loss
was hairdressing's gain.
476
00:32:48,421 --> 00:32:51,174
- Talking of gain, are we ready?
- Yes!
477
00:32:51,299 --> 00:32:54,677
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
478
00:32:54,802 --> 00:32:56,803
The grand parade.
479
00:33:08,023 --> 00:33:10,275
Make way for Tindolini!
480
00:33:11,485 --> 00:33:16,157
The kiddies' favourite.
Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock!
481
00:33:17,325 --> 00:33:19,285
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
482
00:33:19,410 --> 00:33:24,499
in the centre ring,
the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini!
483
00:33:28,753 --> 00:33:32,589
- He thinks I'm funny.
- You are funny. Turn it off!
484
00:33:35,259 --> 00:33:38,595
Now then,
one glass cutter for breaking in with,
485
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:41,473
one piece of putty
for holding on to the cut piece of glass
486
00:33:41,598 --> 00:33:43,141
so it doesn't clatter to the ground
487
00:33:43,267 --> 00:33:45,102
and awake
the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
488
00:33:45,227 --> 00:33:48,564
you suspect lurks inside
and one stethoscope.
489
00:33:48,689 --> 00:33:51,191
- Stethoscope?
- Safe breakers for the use of.
490
00:33:51,316 --> 00:33:55,487
The theory is you tried to pick the lock
of the safe by listening to the tumblers,
491
00:33:55,612 --> 00:33:57,990
you failed and had to resort to dynamite.
492
00:33:58,115 --> 00:34:01,201
- Dynamite? What for?
- Safes for the blowing open of.
493
00:34:01,326 --> 00:34:04,246
But you can leave all that to me.
Now, how about a bizarre touch?
494
00:34:04,371 --> 00:34:08,624
Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom
impaled upon a splinter of glass.
495
00:34:08,749 --> 00:34:10,835
Why not take a full page ad
in The Times
496
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:13,045
and sell tickets
for the cops to come and watch?
497
00:34:13,170 --> 00:34:14,213
Pom-poms.
498
00:34:14,338 --> 00:34:16,299
Well, I was only trying to lighten
Inspector Plodder's day
499
00:34:16,424 --> 00:34:17,466
for him, but if you don't like it...
500
00:34:17,592 --> 00:34:19,760
There is no such animaI
as Inspector Plodder
501
00:34:19,885 --> 00:34:22,055
outside your detective stories.
502
00:34:22,180 --> 00:34:23,932
It'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
503
00:34:24,057 --> 00:34:26,561
who knows his job
down to the last detaiI!
504
00:34:26,686 --> 00:34:28,730
You can bet your bottom dollar on that!
505
00:34:28,855 --> 00:34:32,066
And I can't move in this outfit!
These bloody boots are ridiculous!
506
00:34:32,191 --> 00:34:36,696
But you loved them so. Do keep them
on! Can't you see the headlines?
507
00:34:36,821 --> 00:34:40,867
"Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled,
where will Big Boots strike next?"
508
00:34:40,992 --> 00:34:43,660
Right in the arse, that's where, mine.
509
00:34:44,244 --> 00:34:48,498
All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professionaI
510
00:34:48,624 --> 00:34:51,168
realising that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
511
00:34:51,335 --> 00:34:54,087
decided to disguise his own.
512
00:34:54,212 --> 00:34:56,673
Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything?
513
00:34:56,798 --> 00:34:59,635
Glass cutter, putty and...
514
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:02,304
- Yes, yes, yes... I've got everything.
- And the stethoscope?
515
00:35:02,429 --> 00:35:09,186
Milo, you are maudlin.
You are the complete clown.
516
00:35:09,394 --> 00:35:10,395
Thank you.
517
00:35:12,689 --> 00:35:14,358
Very clever!
518
00:35:14,733 --> 00:35:18,070
Now,
come along with me and listen carefully.
519
00:35:22,323 --> 00:35:25,117
Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
520
00:35:25,243 --> 00:35:27,787
In the far corner you'll find a shed,
in the shed you'll find a ladder.
521
00:35:27,954 --> 00:35:31,290
Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room,
522
00:35:31,415 --> 00:35:33,000
so that you can break in
on the upper landing.
523
00:35:33,125 --> 00:35:34,502
Understanding?
524
00:35:36,630 --> 00:35:38,298
- Upper landing?
- Yeah.
525
00:35:38,423 --> 00:35:41,468
I suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you?
526
00:35:41,593 --> 00:35:44,846
Certainly not. I don't want my footprints
in the flower beds.
527
00:35:44,972 --> 00:35:47,474
- I'm not very good at heights.
- Well, don't look down.
528
00:35:47,599 --> 00:35:51,228
Concentrate instead on thick bundles
of crisp pound notes,
529
00:35:51,353 --> 00:35:54,772
170,000 of them in cash, tax free.
530
00:35:54,897 --> 00:35:56,607
Good luck, Milo.
531
00:36:01,529 --> 00:36:03,614
Don't forget your gloves.
532
00:36:03,948 --> 00:36:05,700
What a way to make a living.
533
00:38:07,404 --> 00:38:09,322
Did you hear a noise, puss?
534
00:38:10,699 --> 00:38:13,243
And was that a footstep in the garden?
535
00:38:13,410 --> 00:38:17,664
No, no. I must be mistaken.
There it is again.
536
00:38:40,811 --> 00:38:42,146
What's that?
537
00:38:42,271 --> 00:38:46,191
Someone outside, prowling around
the grounds. I'm certain of it.
538
00:39:22,394 --> 00:39:25,814
Now, now, now.
We mustn't imagine things.
539
00:39:25,940 --> 00:39:29,276
Who would harm
a kindly old spinster like me?
540
00:39:29,401 --> 00:39:32,862
The front door's locked
and the windows, too.
541
00:39:33,279 --> 00:39:38,326
Hey, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
542
00:39:44,916 --> 00:39:48,002
For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't
have made more noise on D-day!
543
00:39:48,127 --> 00:39:50,838
The bloody glass came out,
my bloody boot got stuck,
544
00:39:50,964 --> 00:39:52,466
and I fell down the bloody ladder!
545
00:39:52,591 --> 00:39:55,469
Well, the bloody police must've heard it
all the way to bloody Salisbury.
546
00:39:55,594 --> 00:39:56,804
I'm sorry!
547
00:40:46,644 --> 00:40:49,355
Somehow, I thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
548
00:40:55,486 --> 00:40:58,573
- Now for the jewels.
- Not straight away.
549
00:40:58,698 --> 00:41:00,575
You're not supposed to know
where they are.
550
00:41:00,700 --> 00:41:04,829
You'll have to hunt about a bit first,
disturb a few things.
551
00:41:04,954 --> 00:41:08,875
If you'll be good enough to follow me
Miss Rebecca...
552
00:41:20,052 --> 00:41:21,762
A turnstile to the bedrooms?
553
00:41:21,887 --> 00:41:25,515
One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
554
00:41:32,397 --> 00:41:36,611
The mistress' bedroom,
or would you know your way about?
555
00:41:36,736 --> 00:41:40,281
- The mistress or her bedroom?
- It's irrelevant.
556
00:41:41,032 --> 00:41:44,953
Now, Milo, where to begin?
557
00:41:45,286 --> 00:41:50,500
The bottom drawer,
the trousseau drawer, the frillies!
558
00:41:50,667 --> 00:41:53,044
Take them out, vandalise them.
559
00:41:53,752 --> 00:41:57,506
Come on, Milo,
you're a burglar, not a lady's maid.
560
00:41:57,631 --> 00:42:00,175
Don't pat them, ravage them.
561
00:42:00,425 --> 00:42:02,052
Come on, Milo.
562
00:42:03,971 --> 00:42:07,224
Excellent. Now, tear that.
563
00:42:07,474 --> 00:42:08,976
That's better.
564
00:42:09,101 --> 00:42:11,061
Now, where would
m'lady hide the trophies
565
00:42:11,186 --> 00:42:13,647
of her skilled accomplishments?
566
00:42:13,772 --> 00:42:18,151
Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds,
sapphires interleaved
567
00:42:18,277 --> 00:42:21,488
among her lace-edged underclothes,
568
00:42:21,613 --> 00:42:24,700
stuffed into the false bottoms
of hat boxes,
569
00:42:24,825 --> 00:42:28,829
sewn into the hems
of always the latest, had-to-have,
570
00:42:28,953 --> 00:42:31,789
at-once-discarded Parisian dresses,
571
00:42:31,914 --> 00:42:37,461
or perhaps secretly concealed
in the back of this?
572
00:42:38,296 --> 00:42:41,215
What better safe deposit for deceit?
573
00:42:41,340 --> 00:42:44,594
How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray?
574
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:49,766
The mouth that lied and kissed
and lied again!
575
00:42:49,892 --> 00:42:52,603
I thought it was me who
was supposed to be doing the ravaging?
576
00:42:52,728 --> 00:42:55,564
So it was. So it was.
Merely demonstrating, I was.
577
00:42:55,689 --> 00:42:58,525
Be a good fellow.
Stamp on that, will you?
578
00:42:59,776 --> 00:43:01,737
- Why me?
- I'm afraid if I broke it
579
00:43:01,862 --> 00:43:04,656
I'd get seven more years of Marguerite.
580
00:43:06,908 --> 00:43:08,326
Thank you.
581
00:43:14,624 --> 00:43:16,834
- Now, where's your bedroom?
- My...
582
00:43:16,959 --> 00:43:20,338
- It's my turn to demonstrate.
- My dear Milo,
583
00:43:20,463 --> 00:43:23,174
having failed to find the jewels among
the lady's personaI possessions...
584
00:43:23,299 --> 00:43:24,425
It'd be a bit suspicious,
585
00:43:24,550 --> 00:43:26,594
a professionaI burglar
playing favourites.
586
00:43:26,719 --> 00:43:29,263
No, on the contrary,
an intelligent burglar
587
00:43:29,388 --> 00:43:31,724
would immediately look
for the next most likely hiding place.
588
00:43:31,849 --> 00:43:34,101
- Which is where?
- The inevitable safe.
589
00:43:34,227 --> 00:43:37,271
Just blow it open and steaI what's in it.
590
00:43:37,396 --> 00:43:38,940
Come on, Milo.
591
00:43:40,441 --> 00:43:41,524
Right.
592
00:43:49,950 --> 00:43:53,161
- What kind of charge you got here?
- Enough for the job.
593
00:43:53,286 --> 00:43:56,581
I learnt about explosives for
The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
594
00:43:56,706 --> 00:43:59,669
Ready? Stand by for the countdown.
595
00:44:03,506 --> 00:44:05,925
Five, a four,
596
00:44:06,050 --> 00:44:07,134
a three,
597
00:44:07,260 --> 00:44:08,386
a two,
598
00:44:08,511 --> 00:44:09,845
a one,
599
00:44:09,971 --> 00:44:11,055
a blast off.
600
00:44:43,128 --> 00:44:45,463
I've got it. I've got it.
601
00:44:51,094 --> 00:44:54,054
What are you shaking it for?
It's a jeweI box, not a maraca.
602
00:44:54,179 --> 00:44:56,599
I thought it might have a secret catch.
It's locked, you see?
603
00:44:56,724 --> 00:44:57,766
Well, smash it open.
604
00:44:57,892 --> 00:45:01,729
Jesus, you have all the killer instinct
of a 20-year-old Sealyham.
605
00:45:01,854 --> 00:45:04,773
It's a very pretty box,
it seemed such a waste.
606
00:45:16,244 --> 00:45:20,665
- Dear God.
- Moses looks upon the Promised Land.
607
00:45:26,339 --> 00:45:28,132
They're fantastic.
608
00:45:39,226 --> 00:45:42,562
- Look at this ruby necklace.
- Never much cared for it myself.
609
00:45:42,687 --> 00:45:46,524
Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
610
00:45:46,650 --> 00:45:51,738
I wish my old man could see these.
He never knew what it was all about.
611
00:45:51,863 --> 00:45:56,701
Sitting there, every night,
hunched over those watches of his.
612
00:45:56,826 --> 00:46:00,455
Squinting his eyesight away,
and for what?
613
00:46:01,331 --> 00:46:05,709
To give me an education at
a second-rate public schooI.
614
00:46:07,544 --> 00:46:10,172
I suppose he thought he had to.
615
00:46:10,297 --> 00:46:12,675
That he owed it to me
616
00:46:12,841 --> 00:46:15,844
and the brand new
Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted.
617
00:46:18,889 --> 00:46:20,266
Silly old bugger.
618
00:46:20,391 --> 00:46:25,021
Never thought his son would be tucking
a fortune away into his pocket, eh?
619
00:46:25,689 --> 00:46:27,607
Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
620
00:46:27,732 --> 00:46:29,609
is something we just haven't
got time for at the moment.
621
00:46:29,734 --> 00:46:31,152
Do you mind?
622
00:46:36,950 --> 00:46:39,661
Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
623
00:46:39,786 --> 00:46:42,329
wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
624
00:46:42,454 --> 00:46:45,416
surprises the burglar,
and in the ensuing fight,
625
00:46:45,541 --> 00:46:47,626
the house is sacked.
626
00:46:47,751 --> 00:46:50,796
Why is it necessary
for you to surprise me at all?
627
00:46:50,921 --> 00:46:53,173
Because, if I've seen
you at close quarters,
628
00:46:53,299 --> 00:46:56,760
I can always describe you
to the police, wrongly.
629
00:46:57,845 --> 00:47:00,389
"Did you get a good look
at the intruder's face, sir?"
630
00:47:00,556 --> 00:47:04,184
"Yes, Inspector, I did.
I don't know if it was a trick of the light,
631
00:47:04,310 --> 00:47:07,396
"but somehow,
his face seemed not wholly human... "
632
00:47:07,521 --> 00:47:09,231
How much sacking do you want done?
633
00:47:09,356 --> 00:47:11,692
A decent bit, I think.
A few chairs upturned,
634
00:47:11,817 --> 00:47:13,319
ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing.
635
00:47:13,444 --> 00:47:16,321
You know,
convincing but not Carthaginian.
636
00:47:26,539 --> 00:47:28,917
You surely don't call that convincing.
637
00:47:29,083 --> 00:47:30,543
Milo.
638
00:47:38,636 --> 00:47:42,556
Let the literature fly to the four winds,
639
00:47:42,723 --> 00:47:48,520
let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves.
640
00:48:07,872 --> 00:48:10,250
Hey, that's my new manuscript!
641
00:48:16,631 --> 00:48:19,092
Let my secretary sort it out.
642
00:48:31,019 --> 00:48:33,397
- Enough?
- For a starter.
643
00:48:33,522 --> 00:48:39,069
Now, let's see what accident does
to artifice, seconds out of the ring.
644
00:48:39,194 --> 00:48:42,781
- What seconds? What for?
- The ensuing fight, remember?
645
00:48:45,535 --> 00:48:47,787
- Hey!
- Well, you're the underdog, aren't you?
646
00:48:47,912 --> 00:48:51,749
You got the support of the crowd,
haven't you? What more do you want?
647
00:48:53,668 --> 00:48:55,545
- You've asked for this.
- Don't let me out.
648
00:48:55,670 --> 00:48:57,130
My wife's gonna have a baby.
649
00:48:57,255 --> 00:48:59,090
Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up.
650
00:48:59,215 --> 00:49:01,926
This fight is fixed, remember?
This is where I take a dive,
651
00:49:02,051 --> 00:49:04,428
and you knock me out cold!
652
00:49:05,512 --> 00:49:07,139
- For reaI?
- Naturally.
653
00:49:07,264 --> 00:49:10,100
When the police come,
I'll have to show them a reaI lump.
654
00:49:10,225 --> 00:49:12,352
Yes, I thought you'd like this bit.
655
00:49:12,477 --> 00:49:14,438
You're dead right.
656
00:49:14,563 --> 00:49:17,107
Now, what shall I use?
657
00:49:17,232 --> 00:49:19,860
Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
658
00:49:21,987 --> 00:49:26,366
There it is.
The originaI blunt instrument.
659
00:49:26,491 --> 00:49:28,368
The poker.
660
00:49:28,493 --> 00:49:30,412
- Right. Now, where do you want it?
- Now steady.
661
00:49:30,537 --> 00:49:31,622
Now, don't get carried away.
662
00:49:31,788 --> 00:49:33,999
It's not a murder weapon you
are talking about, you know?
663
00:49:34,124 --> 00:49:35,125
- No?
- No.
664
00:49:35,292 --> 00:49:37,044
We're discussing an object
from which I receive,
665
00:49:37,169 --> 00:49:39,171
in the classic formula, a glancing blow,
666
00:49:39,296 --> 00:49:42,465
which will raise a lump
without actually cracking the cranium.
667
00:49:42,590 --> 00:49:44,675
Why don't I just
keep tapping you lightly on the head
668
00:49:44,800 --> 00:49:46,761
with the poker, untiI a lump comes up?
669
00:49:46,886 --> 00:49:48,346
Quite frankly, I've rather
gone off the whole thing.
670
00:49:48,471 --> 00:49:51,349
Now, I know, you can always tie me up
and gag me and leave me
671
00:49:51,474 --> 00:49:52,975
to be found by the cleaning woman.
672
00:49:53,100 --> 00:49:54,810
"Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke!
673
00:49:54,936 --> 00:49:59,024
"Whatever do we be doing there
all trussed up like a turkey cock?
674
00:50:03,111 --> 00:50:05,280
"God bless you, sir.
You're trying out something
675
00:50:05,405 --> 00:50:07,699
"for one of them creepy new books
of yours.
676
00:50:07,824 --> 00:50:10,911
"I know, now don't you mind me.
I won't disturb thee.
677
00:50:11,036 --> 00:50:13,580
"I'll just be getting on with me dusting. "
678
00:50:13,705 --> 00:50:18,918
Andrew, if I don't knock you out,
how have I tied you up?
679
00:50:19,043 --> 00:50:20,711
That's a very good question.
680
00:50:20,836 --> 00:50:23,339
Come to think of it,
you could always hold a gun on me.
681
00:50:23,548 --> 00:50:26,926
We professionaI burglars
don't fancy firearms much.
682
00:50:27,134 --> 00:50:28,678
We are English, after all.
683
00:50:28,886 --> 00:50:31,806
You could always conquer
your Anglo-Saxon scruples.
684
00:50:31,931 --> 00:50:35,560
Besides, it will be my own revolver,
which you had taken from me
685
00:50:35,685 --> 00:50:37,436
during the struggle.
686
00:50:37,687 --> 00:50:39,063
- Is that loaded?
- Well, of course.
687
00:50:39,188 --> 00:50:40,273
What would be the use of it, otherwise?
688
00:50:40,398 --> 00:50:43,568
And I think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
689
00:50:43,693 --> 00:50:46,571
blowing to smithereens
the usuaI priceless heirlooms.
690
00:50:46,779 --> 00:50:49,198
- Why?
- To lend credence to my story
691
00:50:49,323 --> 00:50:53,326
of your holding it on me,
while you gagged me and tied me up.
692
00:50:53,451 --> 00:50:55,997
- All right?
- Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.
693
00:50:56,414 --> 00:50:58,874
Right. Now, what to sacrifice?
694
00:51:00,001 --> 00:51:02,962
What about this old codger up here?
695
00:51:03,087 --> 00:51:04,338
Put that down at once!
696
00:51:04,463 --> 00:51:05,923
That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
697
00:51:06,048 --> 00:51:07,800
given me by the
Mystery Writers of America
698
00:51:07,925 --> 00:51:12,097
for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
The Slaying of Jack Sprat.
699
00:51:12,556 --> 00:51:15,392
Ironically enough,
for one who would eat no fat,
700
00:51:15,517 --> 00:51:18,854
he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesteroI.
701
00:51:18,979 --> 00:51:20,147
Now.
702
00:51:21,481 --> 00:51:26,904
What do you say to the demolition
of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug?
703
00:51:36,412 --> 00:51:37,580
Puzzle jug?
704
00:51:37,705 --> 00:51:40,917
To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
705
00:51:50,426 --> 00:51:53,429
- Very funny.
- Marguerite thought it clever.
706
00:51:53,554 --> 00:51:55,681
Which ought to tell you
something about Marguerite.
707
00:51:55,973 --> 00:51:58,434
Let us expose its shortcomings.
708
00:52:00,895 --> 00:52:03,438
Well, you might've said good shot.
709
00:52:03,688 --> 00:52:07,150
You bloody maniac!
You could've killed me!
710
00:52:07,275 --> 00:52:11,404
Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke,
the demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
711
00:52:11,529 --> 00:52:13,073
Now, what next?
712
00:52:17,118 --> 00:52:21,582
The last tender memento
of our Venetian honeymoon.
713
00:52:22,250 --> 00:52:25,169
I will not resist the temptation.
714
00:52:26,045 --> 00:52:31,175
Shucks. Gosh darn,
if I ain't missed the dog-gone critter.
715
00:52:40,308 --> 00:52:41,768
You hit what you were aiming for,
all right.
716
00:52:41,893 --> 00:52:43,353
Now don't be peevish, Milo.
717
00:52:43,478 --> 00:52:46,189
There's nothing like a little bit
of mayhem to cheer one up.
718
00:52:46,314 --> 00:52:49,985
- Did you ever know Charlie Begby?
- You know damned well I didn't.
719
00:52:50,151 --> 00:52:53,321
He was the very finest shot
I ever did see.
720
00:52:53,446 --> 00:52:58,493
I once saw him bag six ducks
with one shot, when he was blind drunk.
721
00:52:58,618 --> 00:52:59,953
The only thing was,
they were china ducks
722
00:53:00,078 --> 00:53:01,788
in his auntie's drawing room. And I said,
723
00:53:01,913 --> 00:53:05,584
"But Charlie, you can't do that.
It's the closed season. "
724
00:53:08,587 --> 00:53:10,589
Told you he always laughs at my jokes.
725
00:53:10,714 --> 00:53:12,632
Even the bad ones.
726
00:53:13,341 --> 00:53:16,260
True, not as funny as all that.
727
00:53:16,385 --> 00:53:20,472
There's an open season
all the year round for some creatures.
728
00:53:20,890 --> 00:53:23,809
Seducers and wife-stealers,
for example.
729
00:53:24,018 --> 00:53:25,686
Now, that's a bad Italian joke.
730
00:53:25,811 --> 00:53:28,105
You should know,
it's your country of origin, is it not?
731
00:53:28,230 --> 00:53:32,861
No, actually, I'm English.
I was born here in England.
732
00:53:32,986 --> 00:53:35,363
Were you now? Actually?
733
00:53:35,488 --> 00:53:37,741
Born in dear old,
cradle-of-the-parliamentary-system
734
00:53:37,866 --> 00:53:41,536
who-screws-my-wife,
merits-a-large-pink-gin, England?
735
00:53:41,661 --> 00:53:44,331
Sense-of-humour,
fair-play England, I mean.
736
00:53:44,956 --> 00:53:46,917
Don't you believe it.
That's the way a foreigner talks.
737
00:53:47,042 --> 00:53:50,128
What he really thinks in private is,
"Filthy, wet country!
738
00:53:50,253 --> 00:53:52,296
"Ugly, red, cold men
739
00:53:52,421 --> 00:53:55,257
"who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cooI women. "
740
00:53:55,382 --> 00:53:57,426
And what brought all this on, then?
741
00:54:01,555 --> 00:54:04,600
- What are you doing with that gun?
- Pretty obviously pointing it at you.
742
00:54:04,725 --> 00:54:06,644
I can see that, but why?
743
00:54:06,769 --> 00:54:09,605
Because I'm gonna kill you.
744
00:54:10,314 --> 00:54:12,399
You are gonna kill me?
745
00:54:12,524 --> 00:54:16,237
Jesus, here we go again
with another one of your games.
746
00:54:16,362 --> 00:54:18,530
Another one? No, it's the same one.
747
00:54:18,656 --> 00:54:20,532
We've been playing it all evening.
It's called,
748
00:54:20,658 --> 00:54:24,203
"You're going to die,
and no one will suspect murder. "
749
00:54:27,038 --> 00:54:31,209
You... You mean all that
steaI the jeweI stuff was just...
750
00:54:31,584 --> 00:54:35,255
I invited you around here to set up
the circumstances of your own death.
751
00:54:35,421 --> 00:54:39,092
The break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
752
00:54:39,259 --> 00:54:41,553
the house-holder aroused,
grappled with the thief,
753
00:54:41,678 --> 00:54:47,101
and gun going off during the struggle
and then the finaI fataI shot.
754
00:54:48,352 --> 00:54:51,564
Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
755
00:54:51,689 --> 00:54:54,400
- It ain't funny no more.
- It ain't, ain't it?
756
00:54:54,525 --> 00:54:57,570
- Can you find a flaw in it?
- Marguerite.
757
00:54:57,695 --> 00:54:59,989
The cops'll trace a connection
between Marguerite and me.
758
00:55:00,114 --> 00:55:02,198
- What nonsense.
- They'll know that's why you did it.
759
00:55:02,323 --> 00:55:03,825
How was I expected
to know who you were?
760
00:55:03,950 --> 00:55:05,743
The law will have
every sympathy for me.
761
00:55:05,868 --> 00:55:09,539
Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
762
00:55:09,664 --> 00:55:11,040
Even Marguerite will
assume that you were,
763
00:55:11,165 --> 00:55:13,501
after all, just an adventurer
after her jewels.
764
00:55:13,626 --> 00:55:15,295
A petty sneak thief,
765
00:55:15,420 --> 00:55:19,507
who, in the end, found larceny
less burdensome than matrimony.
766
00:55:19,799 --> 00:55:23,636
The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony?
767
00:55:24,387 --> 00:55:26,681
Wit in the face of adversity. Good!
768
00:55:26,806 --> 00:55:29,017
You've learnt something
from the English.
769
00:55:29,142 --> 00:55:30,518
And here's something else,
a sporting chance.
770
00:55:30,643 --> 00:55:31,895
Why don't you make a run for it?
771
00:55:32,020 --> 00:55:34,063
And give you the chance to shoot
me down in cold blood?
772
00:55:34,188 --> 00:55:36,649
Hot blood, you mean.
But I'll tell you what I'll do.
773
00:55:36,774 --> 00:55:39,026
I'll close my eyes,
and count up to 20 slowly.
774
00:55:39,151 --> 00:55:41,778
That should give you a reasonable
chance. Go on, Milo, off you go.
775
00:55:41,904 --> 00:55:43,071
One.
776
00:55:44,740 --> 00:55:46,158
One,
777
00:55:47,326 --> 00:55:48,493
two,
778
00:55:49,036 --> 00:55:50,287
three,
779
00:55:50,495 --> 00:55:51,747
four,
780
00:55:52,289 --> 00:55:53,540
five,
781
00:55:53,790 --> 00:55:55,042
six,
782
00:55:55,500 --> 00:55:56,669
seven,
783
00:55:57,128 --> 00:55:58,254
eight,
784
00:55:58,379 --> 00:55:59,631
nine,
785
00:56:00,048 --> 00:56:01,132
10,
786
00:56:01,382 --> 00:56:02,634
11,
787
00:56:03,051 --> 00:56:04,219
12,
788
00:56:04,677 --> 00:56:05,929
13,
789
00:56:06,346 --> 00:56:07,597
14,
790
00:56:08,014 --> 00:56:09,182
15,
791
00:56:09,641 --> 00:56:10,892
16,
792
00:56:11,309 --> 00:56:12,560
17,
793
00:56:13,186 --> 00:56:14,353
18,
794
00:56:14,811 --> 00:56:16,313
19,
795
00:56:16,897 --> 00:56:19,858
and a 20.
796
00:56:25,989 --> 00:56:29,619
- You left them in that beautifuI coat.
- Oh, my God.
797
00:56:29,744 --> 00:56:32,622
Let's have you out of that car, shall we?
798
00:56:33,206 --> 00:56:36,501
Those lovely boots
back on again, please.
799
00:56:57,104 --> 00:56:59,439
Now, of course,
the only question left to be decided,
800
00:56:59,565 --> 00:57:01,650
is where the police shall find you.
801
00:57:02,568 --> 00:57:06,029
Of course, you could be Iying
sprawled over the desk in the study,
802
00:57:06,154 --> 00:57:09,158
like countless colonels,
in countless studies,
803
00:57:09,284 --> 00:57:12,120
or propped up in the log basket
like a rag doll.
804
00:57:12,245 --> 00:57:15,748
Which do you fancy, early Agatha
Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine?
805
00:57:15,874 --> 00:57:18,418
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
you're talking of a murder!
806
00:57:18,585 --> 00:57:20,712
Of killing a reaI man!
Don't you understand?
807
00:57:20,837 --> 00:57:23,381
I shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps best of all,
808
00:57:23,548 --> 00:57:26,341
a reaI 1930s murder weapon,
the mashie niblick.
809
00:57:26,550 --> 00:57:29,011
I've got one in my golf bag.
810
00:57:51,992 --> 00:57:54,953
Dear, old mashie niblick.
811
00:57:55,078 --> 00:58:00,209
I think you'll be found in the fireplace,
in a fair old mess.
812
00:58:00,334 --> 00:58:01,667
The body lay on its back.
813
00:58:01,792 --> 00:58:04,629
Its limbs, grotesquely splayed
like a broken puppet.
814
00:58:04,754 --> 00:58:09,508
The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernaturaI force.
815
00:58:09,634 --> 00:58:12,637
"My God,"
breathed the Inspector, blanching.
816
00:58:12,762 --> 00:58:15,389
"Thompson, you'd better
get a tarpaulin.
817
00:58:15,514 --> 00:58:19,603
"Excuse me, sir, but was
all this violence, strictly necessary?"
818
00:58:19,728 --> 00:58:21,605
"I'm sorry, Inspector.
819
00:58:21,730 --> 00:58:24,191
"I'm afraid I lost controI of myself
when I saw him
820
00:58:24,316 --> 00:58:26,985
"handling my wife's
intimate garments. "
821
00:58:27,277 --> 00:58:29,363
It's too bloody elaborate.
I'll tell you what.
822
00:58:29,488 --> 00:58:32,115
I think the scene
the police find is simply this.
823
00:58:32,241 --> 00:58:35,827
After the fight, you flee up the stairs,
back to your ladder again.
824
00:58:35,953 --> 00:58:37,787
Go on, Milo, flee.
825
00:58:37,912 --> 00:58:39,330
Up you go.
826
00:58:40,831 --> 00:58:42,291
Up you go.
827
00:58:52,969 --> 00:58:55,137
I catch you on the landing,
828
00:58:55,263 --> 00:58:58,182
and in the renewed struggle,
I shoot you.
829
00:58:58,307 --> 00:59:03,354
Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo?
830
00:59:03,521 --> 00:59:07,567
On the morning of his execution,
King Charles I put on two shirts.
831
00:59:08,359 --> 00:59:11,988
"If I tremble with the cold," he said,
"my enemies will say it was from fear.
832
00:59:12,113 --> 00:59:15,949
"I will not expose myself
to such reproaches. "
833
00:59:16,074 --> 00:59:19,327
We must also
attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity,
834
00:59:19,452 --> 00:59:23,039
as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
835
00:59:24,791 --> 00:59:27,669
Look,
836
00:59:28,003 --> 00:59:31,632
I can't give anything back, can I?
837
00:59:33,509 --> 00:59:36,637
I mean, if it hadn't been me,
838
00:59:36,762 --> 00:59:39,223
it would've been somebody else.
839
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:42,518
Please.
840
00:59:43,102 --> 00:59:45,354
I'll go away.
841
00:59:45,563 --> 00:59:48,524
You won't never hear of me, no more.
842
00:59:53,361 --> 00:59:55,572
Why, Andrew?
843
00:59:55,697 --> 00:59:57,866
Why me?
844
00:59:58,783 --> 00:59:59,951
Don't sniveI.
845
01:00:00,076 --> 01:00:02,829
I must know why!
846
01:00:04,164 --> 01:00:07,709
I'm amazed you have to ask.
847
01:00:07,834 --> 01:00:09,920
I hate you.
848
01:00:10,420 --> 01:00:14,090
I hate your smarmy good looks,
and your easy manner.
849
01:00:14,216 --> 01:00:17,844
I'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
850
01:00:17,969 --> 01:00:21,348
I knew you'd wear a gold charm
round your neck.
851
01:00:21,473 --> 01:00:25,684
And I'll bet your chest is hairy,
and in summer, matted with sun oiI.
852
01:00:25,809 --> 01:00:32,274
Above all, I hate you because
you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop.
853
01:00:32,441 --> 01:00:34,443
And not one of me.
854
01:00:34,568 --> 01:00:38,989
A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
855
01:00:39,114 --> 01:00:44,329
A jumped-up pantry boy,
who doesn't know his place!
856
01:00:44,454 --> 01:00:50,752
Did you really believe
I'd give up my wife and jewellery to you?
857
01:00:50,877 --> 01:00:54,506
That I'd make myself that ridiculous?
858
01:00:56,341 --> 01:00:58,343
Why not?
859
01:00:58,468 --> 01:01:00,803
You're not in love with her.
860
01:01:00,928 --> 01:01:04,682
Whether I love her or not, I found her.
861
01:01:04,848 --> 01:01:06,767
I've kept her.
862
01:01:06,892 --> 01:01:09,728
She represents me.
863
01:01:09,853 --> 01:01:13,983
Once, she was in love with me.
864
01:01:17,778 --> 01:01:20,823
And now, she's in love with me.
865
01:01:20,948 --> 01:01:23,492
And that's what you
can't forgive, isn't it?
866
01:01:23,659 --> 01:01:26,996
And after me, there'll be others.
867
01:01:27,121 --> 01:01:29,456
You're gonna kill them, too?
868
01:01:29,582 --> 01:01:32,459
You're mad! You're a bloody madman!
869
01:01:32,585 --> 01:01:35,588
And you are a young man,
dressed as a clown,
870
01:01:35,713 --> 01:01:39,173
about to be murdered.
871
01:01:39,299 --> 01:01:42,260
Put the mask on, Milo.
- No, no.
872
01:01:42,385 --> 01:01:47,515
- Put it on.
- No, please.
873
01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:49,684
Put it on.
874
01:01:59,654 --> 01:02:03,825
Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself.
875
01:02:03,950 --> 01:02:07,537
A snivelling, dago clown.
876
01:02:07,662 --> 01:02:09,331
Farewell.
877
01:02:09,456 --> 01:02:11,541
Puncinello.
878
01:02:11,666 --> 01:02:13,959
Please!
879
01:07:28,478 --> 01:07:29,729
Good evening, sir.
880
01:07:29,896 --> 01:07:32,066
I was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
881
01:07:32,191 --> 01:07:34,694
Indeed. And who might you be?
882
01:07:34,819 --> 01:07:40,240
Detective Inspector Doppler, sir,
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
883
01:07:40,365 --> 01:07:44,452
I'm sorry to be calling so late,
but I need to have a few words with you
884
01:07:44,578 --> 01:07:47,122
on a very important matter.
885
01:07:47,289 --> 01:07:48,456
Better come in.
886
01:07:48,623 --> 01:07:51,042
Wiltshire County Constabulary,
you say?
887
01:07:51,167 --> 01:07:53,629
That's right, sir.
I'm normally based in Salisbury,
888
01:07:53,796 --> 01:07:59,010
but your locaI man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
889
01:07:59,176 --> 01:08:02,638
Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
890
01:08:02,763 --> 01:08:06,434
There's a time for humming, Inspector.
Would you care for an aquavit?
891
01:08:06,559 --> 01:08:09,562
- No thank you, sir. I've had my supper.
- Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy,
892
01:08:09,687 --> 01:08:11,354
or are you going to tell me
you never drink on duty?
893
01:08:11,730 --> 01:08:14,274
No, sir. I always drink on duty.
894
01:08:14,441 --> 01:08:17,861
I can't afford to on my own time.
895
01:08:17,986 --> 01:08:19,529
Caviar.
896
01:08:19,654 --> 01:08:22,073
So that's what that looks like.
897
01:08:22,282 --> 01:08:24,743
I've often wondered.
898
01:08:32,500 --> 01:08:36,171
Can't say I care for it all that much, sir.
899
01:08:37,547 --> 01:08:40,217
Tastes like fish eggs.
900
01:08:40,342 --> 01:08:41,343
Fancy.
901
01:08:41,509 --> 01:08:45,680
Now, let me take that nasty taste away
with a splendid brandy.
902
01:08:45,805 --> 01:08:48,474
Do follow me, won't you, Inspector?