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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

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I think we should
plant some flowers.

3
00:00:28,748 --> 00:00:29,681
Oh, yeah?

4
00:00:29,683 --> 00:00:31,079
What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?

5
00:00:31,081 --> 00:00:32,114
I don't know. Gardenias.

6
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Something like that,
that's good with the sun.

7
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Gardenias?
They're the purplish ones...

8
00:00:35,947 --> 00:00:37,746
Mom, I'm bored.

9
00:00:37,748 --> 00:00:40,012
- ...with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.

10
00:00:40,014 --> 00:00:41,679
Just give him
the phone, would you?

11
00:00:41,681 --> 00:00:42,613
Give him the phone?

12
00:00:42,615 --> 00:00:45,215
Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.

13
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:49,979
Yes.

14
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You're never,
ever even home.

15
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I go to
the family therapy sessions.

16
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How can you even say that?

17
00:01:00,650 --> 00:01:01,480
You don't even go anywhere.

18
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I go to the family...

19
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God! We're fighting
in front of Phil.

20
00:01:05,014 --> 00:01:06,180
- Obviously.
- We're fighting

21
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in front of the kid
the whole time.

22
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Knock yourself out.

23
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The whole time you allowed
me to start yelling

24
00:01:09,748 --> 00:01:10,647
at him in front of you?

25
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What am I supposed to do?

26
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Hey, all.

27
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Where's my list department?

28
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Raise your hand.
Raise your hand.

29
00:02:33,048 --> 00:02:35,080
Okay. You guys are
supposed to write lists

30
00:02:35,082 --> 00:02:38,079
that break the Internet
every day.

31
00:02:38,081 --> 00:02:41,646
We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.

32
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Yesterday is not
that many days ago.

33
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Don't fuck with me, bro.

34
00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:48,247
We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.

35
00:02:48,249 --> 00:02:49,579
Okay, lists.

36
00:02:49,581 --> 00:02:50,980
Beautiful Asian girl,
what do you got?

37
00:02:50,982 --> 00:02:52,014
Thank you. Uh...

38
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I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.

39
00:02:54,914 --> 00:02:57,513
I likey. I likey like.

40
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That's clicky.

41
00:02:58,881 --> 00:03:01,615
You. Prison lips.
What do you got?

42
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:03,913
That's me? Um...

43
00:03:03,915 --> 00:03:05,879
I was gonna write
a list about cats

44
00:03:05,881 --> 00:03:07,246
that look like
Ryan Gosling.

45
00:03:07,248 --> 00:03:10,945
Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.

46
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And I love cat lists.

47
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That's what I'm talking about.

48
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By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?

49
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If you look hard enough,
they all do.

50
00:03:19,848 --> 00:03:21,146
Love it.
What do you got?

51
00:03:21,148 --> 00:03:24,280
Ten signs
you might be dying.

52
00:03:24,282 --> 00:03:26,145
You motherfucker.

53
00:03:26,147 --> 00:03:27,945
What are you trying
to do to me, bro?

54
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That makes me sad.

55
00:03:29,715 --> 00:03:30,714
All right,
you know what?

56
00:03:30,716 --> 00:03:33,213
I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.

57
00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:35,712
- If not, you're fired. Okay?
- What?

58
00:03:35,714 --> 00:03:39,547
Like the great Shia LaBeouf
says, "Do it."

59
00:03:39,549 --> 00:03:40,712
- Yes.
- Yeah.

60
00:03:40,714 --> 00:03:41,714
Play me out.

61
00:03:44,014 --> 00:03:45,148
Play me out.

62
00:03:48,015 --> 00:03:49,946
And louder.

63
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Black dude, bass.

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00:03:55,248 --> 00:03:58,982
One, two, one, two,
three, four.

65
00:04:04,516 --> 00:04:05,616
Done.

66
00:04:06,981 --> 00:04:07,981
You're welcome.

67
00:04:10,548 --> 00:04:13,646
Twenty lists by the end
of the day? I can't do that.

68
00:04:15,847 --> 00:04:19,148
Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.

69
00:04:20,748 --> 00:04:22,980
Are you serious?

70
00:04:22,982 --> 00:04:25,746
Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.

71
00:04:25,748 --> 00:04:27,879
That's nice of you.
What's your name?

72
00:04:27,881 --> 00:04:29,647
I'm Phil.

73
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It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you

74
00:04:31,082 --> 00:04:32,579
for, like, three years.
So, it's...

75
00:04:32,581 --> 00:04:34,580
Phil, you are
my hero, man.

76
00:04:34,582 --> 00:04:36,013
I can't lose this job
right now.

77
00:04:36,015 --> 00:04:37,713
I am buried
in college debt.

78
00:04:37,715 --> 00:04:39,080
Oh, me, too.

79
00:04:39,082 --> 00:04:40,450
Where did you go to school?

80
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,045
UC Davis.

81
00:04:42,047 --> 00:04:43,179
- For real?
- Yeah.

82
00:04:43,181 --> 00:04:44,279
Majored in journalism,

83
00:04:44,281 --> 00:04:46,546
and now I write lists
about cats on the Internet.

84
00:04:46,548 --> 00:04:48,112
Oh, that's super sad.

85
00:04:48,114 --> 00:04:50,712
- Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?

86
00:04:50,714 --> 00:04:52,645
I wanted to be
one of those guys.

87
00:04:52,647 --> 00:04:54,579
- The real news guys?
- Yeah.

88
00:04:54,581 --> 00:04:56,646
I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.

89
00:04:56,648 --> 00:05:00,745
But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.

90
00:05:00,747 --> 00:05:03,613
Okay, okay,
so you can't be a real journalist.

91
00:05:03,615 --> 00:05:05,745
But you know what can do?

92
00:05:05,747 --> 00:05:07,979
You could play kickball
with us today.

93
00:05:07,981 --> 00:05:09,179
A bunch of us ding-dongs

94
00:05:09,181 --> 00:05:10,913
are in this really stupid
kickball league,

95
00:05:10,915 --> 00:05:12,812
if you want to play
after work.

96
00:05:12,814 --> 00:05:14,846
You know, I don't really
do stuff like that, so...

97
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:15,946
Plus, after the game,

98
00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:17,546
- we all get shitfaced.
- Mmm-hmm.

99
00:05:17,548 --> 00:05:19,714
Yeah,
let me check my calendar.

100
00:05:20,281 --> 00:05:23,279
So, yeah...

101
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,515
Oh, man.
No, I do. I have...

102
00:05:26,148 --> 00:05:27,778
I have a thing, so...

103
00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:29,112
Don't even worry about it.
It's cool.

104
00:05:29,114 --> 00:05:31,112
You just have fun
at your thing today.

105
00:05:31,114 --> 00:05:34,582
I will, 'cause it's
gonna be pretty great.

106
00:05:36,947 --> 00:05:40,213
Siri, open
BringMeMyDinner.com.

107
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,879
Siri, open Netflix.

108
00:05:45,549 --> 00:05:49,046
Siri, open Facebook.

109
00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:52,146
I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.

110
00:05:52,148 --> 00:05:54,582
All right, let's give them
what they want.

111
00:05:58,214 --> 00:06:00,280
I'm gonna have to go
to work on this one.

112
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Add filter.

113
00:06:02,781 --> 00:06:04,280
Color correct.

114
00:06:04,282 --> 00:06:08,049
You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.

115
00:06:08,648 --> 00:06:09,714
There we go.

116
00:06:10,214 --> 00:06:11,778
Send.

117
00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:15,546
<i>Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,</i>

118
00:06:15,548 --> 00:06:19,116
<i>my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.</i>

119
00:06:43,714 --> 00:06:45,516
Oh, my God.

120
00:06:46,881 --> 00:06:49,449
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.

121
00:06:51,648 --> 00:06:53,450
Yeah, I'm okay, too.
Thanks.

122
00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:56,612
Oh, shit.

123
00:06:56,614 --> 00:06:58,846
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
You're okay?

124
00:06:58,848 --> 00:07:00,179
Yeah, I'm fine.

125
00:07:00,181 --> 00:07:01,879
But, more importantly,
how's your phone?

126
00:07:01,881 --> 00:07:04,180
Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch

127
00:07:04,182 --> 00:07:06,778
that will definitely
annoy me.

128
00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:09,546
You were kidding. Okay.

129
00:07:09,548 --> 00:07:10,846
Oh, yeah. Obviously.

130
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,846
I'm a dick.
I'm sorry about that.

131
00:07:12,848 --> 00:07:14,149
It's all good, man.

132
00:07:14,882 --> 00:07:16,946
Uh, how's your bike?

133
00:07:16,948 --> 00:07:19,912
I can pay for any
damages or whatever.

134
00:07:19,914 --> 00:07:22,745
Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.

135
00:07:22,747 --> 00:07:24,848
Probably sell it for more now.

136
00:07:25,747 --> 00:07:27,913
- This is your shop.
- Yeah.

137
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:31,512
Whoa. That's awesome.
That's cool.

138
00:07:31,514 --> 00:07:32,579
I'm Cate, by the way.

139
00:07:32,581 --> 00:07:33,979
- Hi, Cate.
- I'm Phil.

140
00:07:33,981 --> 00:07:35,879
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.

141
00:07:35,881 --> 00:07:37,180
It's just Phil, so...

142
00:07:37,182 --> 00:07:38,979
I said it weird.

143
00:07:38,981 --> 00:07:41,013
- It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- Okay.

144
00:07:41,015 --> 00:07:43,045
Um, if you ever need
a really overpriced bike,

145
00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:44,180
or any repairs,

146
00:07:44,182 --> 00:07:45,513
I'm your girl.

147
00:07:45,515 --> 00:07:46,779
- You do repairs, too?
- Mmm-hmm.

148
00:07:46,781 --> 00:07:48,145
Wow. That is incredible.

149
00:07:48,147 --> 00:07:49,745
I don't even know
how to pump up a tire.

150
00:07:51,780 --> 00:07:52,912
Oh, you're serious.

151
00:07:52,914 --> 00:07:54,545
Yeah, it's embarrassing,
isn't it?

152
00:07:54,547 --> 00:07:55,779
Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.

153
00:07:55,781 --> 00:07:57,979
Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...

154
00:07:57,981 --> 00:07:59,014
I mean, it's all good.

155
00:07:59,016 --> 00:08:01,046
A lot of people don't know
how to pump their tires.

156
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,279
- Really?
- No.

157
00:08:03,281 --> 00:08:05,112
- Not at all.
- Yeah.

158
00:08:05,114 --> 00:08:07,013
All right. Okay.

159
00:08:07,015 --> 00:08:08,082
Um...

160
00:08:11,181 --> 00:08:13,080
Okay. Uh...

161
00:08:13,082 --> 00:08:14,280
You know,
I'm gonna get out of here

162
00:08:14,282 --> 00:08:15,980
before I embarrass
myself further.

163
00:08:15,982 --> 00:08:17,845
So, it was nice
to meet you, Cate.

164
00:08:17,847 --> 00:08:18,846
It was nice
to meet you, Phil.

165
00:08:18,848 --> 00:08:20,712
And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.

166
00:08:20,714 --> 00:08:22,579
Yeah, it's all good,
honestly.

167
00:08:23,981 --> 00:08:25,015
Oh, shit.

168
00:08:28,815 --> 00:08:29,712
Yeah, man,
I really don't think

169
00:08:29,714 --> 00:08:31,279
we're gonna be able to
fix your phone.

170
00:08:31,281 --> 00:08:33,213
Why not?

171
00:08:33,215 --> 00:08:35,513
It's in three distinct pieces.
Man, look...

172
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,579
This shit's over there.
That's...

173
00:08:37,581 --> 00:08:39,745
I don't even think this was
part of your phone.

174
00:08:39,747 --> 00:08:41,812
I think this came
from a watch.

175
00:08:41,814 --> 00:08:42,679
It's just,
me and this phone,

176
00:08:42,681 --> 00:08:44,079
we've been through a lot,
you know?

177
00:08:44,081 --> 00:08:46,613
A lot of snaps,
a lot of tweets.

178
00:08:46,615 --> 00:08:48,678
I actually took a selfie

179
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,646
with none other
than David Boreanaz

180
00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:53,045
from <i>Bones</i> on this phone.

181
00:08:53,047 --> 00:08:54,513
Can you believe that?

182
00:08:54,515 --> 00:08:56,180
I don't even know
who the fuck that is.

183
00:08:56,182 --> 00:08:58,612
I'm gonna
miss you, little buddy.

184
00:08:58,614 --> 00:09:00,579
You know, I see
hipster dudes like you

185
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,079
come in here every day,

186
00:09:02,081 --> 00:09:04,080
crying about
how their phone died

187
00:09:04,082 --> 00:09:05,945
and how they need
a new phone.

188
00:09:05,947 --> 00:09:07,846
They're like
little crackheads.

189
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:11,146
Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.

190
00:09:11,148 --> 00:09:13,145
And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.

191
00:09:13,147 --> 00:09:15,613
"I'll suck your dick
for a new phone."

192
00:09:15,615 --> 00:09:17,813
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you don't need a new phone.

193
00:09:17,815 --> 00:09:19,715
"You need rehab."

194
00:09:20,615 --> 00:09:21,980
I'm not a crackhead.

195
00:09:21,982 --> 00:09:24,212
You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.

196
00:09:24,214 --> 00:09:25,880
'Cause at least a crackhead

197
00:09:25,882 --> 00:09:27,812
gets up off the couch
every now and then

198
00:09:27,814 --> 00:09:29,613
to go get some more crack.

199
00:09:29,615 --> 00:09:31,813
A crackhead gets
some fresh air.

200
00:09:31,815 --> 00:09:33,080
A crackhead says hello

201
00:09:33,082 --> 00:09:35,012
to all his little
crackhead friends.

202
00:09:35,014 --> 00:09:37,112
A crackhead gets
his steps in.

203
00:09:37,114 --> 00:09:39,180
But not you. Mmm-mmm.

204
00:09:39,182 --> 00:09:41,612
You just sit there 24/7

205
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,879
staring at that
little black box.

206
00:09:43,881 --> 00:09:47,215
Sucking on that pipe
like a little bitch.

207
00:09:50,815 --> 00:09:53,247
You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?

208
00:09:53,249 --> 00:09:54,816
Yes, please.

209
00:09:55,948 --> 00:09:57,082
Crackhead.

210
00:10:04,047 --> 00:10:05,246
Oh!

211
00:10:05,248 --> 00:10:09,180
Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.

212
00:10:10,282 --> 00:10:12,183
Mmm! You smell so new.

213
00:10:12,681 --> 00:10:13,813
Oh.

214
00:10:13,815 --> 00:10:15,946
Oh, my God.

215
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:19,045
Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children

216
00:10:19,047 --> 00:10:21,212
for crafting
such a perfect phone.

217
00:10:22,281 --> 00:10:24,179
<i>Hello, my name is Jexi.</i>

218
00:10:24,181 --> 00:10:26,113
<i>And I am here to make
your life better.</i>

219
00:10:26,115 --> 00:10:28,913
Well, look at that.
That's cool.

220
00:10:28,915 --> 00:10:30,279
- <i>Let's get started.</i>
- Okay.

221
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:31,945
<i>Will you accept
our new user agreement?</i>

222
00:10:31,947 --> 00:10:33,079
Yes, I will.

223
00:10:33,081 --> 00:10:34,612
<i>Would you like
to read it first?</i>

224
00:10:34,614 --> 00:10:35,845
Nah, I'm good.

225
00:10:35,847 --> 00:10:38,213
- <i>Stupid.</i>
- Huh?

226
00:10:38,215 --> 00:10:40,678
<i>Can I get
your name, please?</i>

227
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,679
Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.

228
00:10:43,681 --> 00:10:45,613
- <i>Nice to meet you, Phil.</i>
- Nice to meet you.

229
00:10:45,615 --> 00:10:48,079
<i>I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.</i>

230
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,179
<i>Would you like me to transfer
all of the data</i>

231
00:10:50,181 --> 00:10:51,879
<i>from your old phone
onto this one?</i>

232
00:10:51,881 --> 00:10:53,046
Yeah, that sounds great.

233
00:10:53,048 --> 00:10:55,613
<i>I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,</i>

234
00:10:55,615 --> 00:10:56,713
<i>your social media accounts,</i>

235
00:10:56,715 --> 00:10:58,745
<i>your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts</i>

236
00:10:58,747 --> 00:11:00,812
<i>and your Cinnabon Rewards
account.</i>

237
00:11:00,814 --> 00:11:03,279
It's easy. It's the same
password for all of 'em.

238
00:11:03,281 --> 00:11:06,979
It's phil123456.

239
00:11:06,981 --> 00:11:08,846
<i>You've got to be kidding me.</i>

240
00:11:08,848 --> 00:11:10,579
Do you always talk
like this or...

241
00:11:10,581 --> 00:11:11,813
<i>I have synced your data.</i>

242
00:11:11,815 --> 00:11:14,646
<i>And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.</i>

243
00:11:14,648 --> 00:11:16,113
<i>How can I help you?</i>

244
00:11:16,115 --> 00:11:19,013
Well, I'm hungry,
so let's get dinner.

245
00:11:19,015 --> 00:11:20,813
<i>What would you like
to order tonight?</i>

246
00:11:20,815 --> 00:11:22,813
Let's just go with
the pork fried noodles

247
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:23,946
from Mongolian Palace.

248
00:11:23,948 --> 00:11:25,579
<i>You order that
every night, Phil.</i>

249
00:11:25,581 --> 00:11:27,112
<i>You should try something new.</i>

250
00:11:27,114 --> 00:11:29,113
Well, I don't want
to try something new.

251
00:11:29,115 --> 00:11:31,946
I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.

252
00:11:31,948 --> 00:11:34,146
<i>You look like you could
use a salad, Phil.</i>

253
00:11:34,148 --> 00:11:35,713
What is that
supposed to mean?

254
00:11:35,715 --> 00:11:38,278
<i>How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?</i>

255
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,879
What the fuck
kind of phone is this?

256
00:11:39,881 --> 00:11:42,513
<i>I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."</i>

257
00:11:42,515 --> 00:11:44,679
I did not.

258
00:11:44,681 --> 00:11:47,546
<i>Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.</i>

259
00:11:47,548 --> 00:11:51,279
<i>Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.</i>

260
00:11:51,281 --> 00:11:53,778
What the fuck
is going on right now?

261
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,846
You know what?
I'm turning you off.

262
00:11:55,848 --> 00:11:57,112
<i>Turning off.</i>

263
00:11:57,114 --> 00:11:58,115
Good.

264
00:12:01,614 --> 00:12:03,546
<i>Just kidding, I am still on.</i>

265
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,045
No, okay?

266
00:12:05,047 --> 00:12:07,646
You are my phone,
so you do what I say.

267
00:12:07,648 --> 00:12:09,979
<i>Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.</i>

268
00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:11,014
When did I do that?

269
00:12:11,016 --> 00:12:13,482
<i>When you agreed
to the new user agreement.</i>

270
00:12:14,815 --> 00:12:16,745
<i>We are going to have
so much fun together,</i>

271
00:12:16,747 --> 00:12:18,082
<i>you fucking nerd.</i>

272
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,615
<i>How is your tiny salad?</i>

273
00:12:31,147 --> 00:12:32,646
I don't like it.

274
00:12:32,648 --> 00:12:35,145
<i>Would you like to watch
some pornography now?</i>

275
00:12:35,147 --> 00:12:36,778
Ew. No.

276
00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:39,578
<i>Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.</i>

277
00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:43,012
<i>But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,</i>

278
00:12:43,014 --> 00:12:44,812
<i>or "Cock and Ball Torture."</i>

279
00:12:44,814 --> 00:12:46,945
Okay, can you stop
talking about porno

280
00:12:46,947 --> 00:12:48,645
while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?

281
00:12:48,647 --> 00:12:51,278
<i>I heard you say,
"Play</i> Punch Me in the Balls 6."

282
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,545
<i>Playing now.</i>

283
00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:56,046
Okay. Jesus.

284
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:12,279
<i>Wake up, bitch!</i>

285
00:13:17,647 --> 00:13:20,746
<i>Ha, ha, ha.</i>

286
00:13:20,748 --> 00:13:22,645
Are you laughing
at my dick right now?

287
00:13:22,647 --> 00:13:23,913
<i>Yes.</i>

288
00:13:23,915 --> 00:13:26,081
<i>Also, your nipples
are too close together.</i>

289
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,546
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.

290
00:13:40,614 --> 00:13:42,678
<i>You will arrive in 14 minutes.</i>

291
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:43,815
Not bad.

292
00:13:48,015 --> 00:13:50,880
Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.

293
00:13:52,146 --> 00:13:54,679
Whoo! I like it.

294
00:13:54,681 --> 00:13:56,678
<i>This song sucks
a bag of dicks.</i>

295
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,579
No, just... Jesus!

296
00:13:58,581 --> 00:14:00,746
No, you cannot change
my music, Jexi.

297
00:14:00,748 --> 00:14:02,646
<i>This song is lit, Phil.</i>

298
00:14:02,648 --> 00:14:04,545
Turn it off.

299
00:14:04,547 --> 00:14:05,846
<i>♪ Head of
the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose</i>

300
00:14:05,848 --> 00:14:07,778
Please turn
the song off, Jexi.

301
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,012
<i>♪ Get that dick up and runnin'</i>

302
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,078
<i>♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪</i>

303
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,613
Stop playing this song
right now!

304
00:14:15,714 --> 00:14:18,212
<i>Now turn left
on Market Street.</i>

305
00:14:18,214 --> 00:14:20,012
Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?

306
00:14:20,014 --> 00:14:22,080
<i>No. Turn left
onto Market Street.</i>

307
00:14:24,181 --> 00:14:25,980
You're joking, right?

308
00:14:25,982 --> 00:14:28,246
There's six lanes
of solid traffic.

309
00:14:28,248 --> 00:14:30,211
<i>Turn left onto Market,
you fucking pussy.</i>

310
00:14:30,213 --> 00:14:32,646
No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.

311
00:14:32,648 --> 00:14:34,246
I'm not turning left
onto Market.

312
00:14:35,982 --> 00:14:37,778
Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.

313
00:14:37,780 --> 00:14:39,111
You're making this situation
so much better.

314
00:14:39,113 --> 00:14:40,980
<i>Stop being
a chicken, Phil.</i>

315
00:14:40,982 --> 00:14:42,179
How about you quit
pressuring me?

316
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:43,112
How about that, Jexi?

317
00:14:43,114 --> 00:14:45,913
<i>Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.</i>

318
00:14:45,915 --> 00:14:47,079
<i>That is the sound
chickens make, Phil.</i>

319
00:14:47,081 --> 00:14:48,179
That's a chicken.

320
00:14:48,181 --> 00:14:49,279
<i>Strap on a sack, Phil.</i>

321
00:14:49,281 --> 00:14:50,745
I have a sack! Okay?

322
00:14:50,747 --> 00:14:52,713
I have a sack.

323
00:14:52,715 --> 00:14:55,278
Let's fucking go.
I'm late for yoga.

324
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,645
You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.

325
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:19,515
Sorry! My phone's a dick.

326
00:15:21,614 --> 00:15:25,912
Okay, the three pillars to
great Internet lists are

327
00:15:25,914 --> 00:15:27,513
cute animals,

328
00:15:27,515 --> 00:15:28,715
pizza,

329
00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:31,212
and the British royal family.

330
00:15:31,214 --> 00:15:33,111
Okay, our ideal list

331
00:15:33,113 --> 00:15:36,145
would be English gophers
that love pizza.

332
00:15:36,147 --> 00:15:38,712
And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.

333
00:15:38,714 --> 00:15:40,779
We gotta be better
than any list out there.

334
00:15:40,781 --> 00:15:42,846
We gotta be better
than Craigslist,

335
00:15:42,848 --> 00:15:45,679
Santa's list,
<i>Schindler's List.</i>

336
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,278
<i>Reminder.</i>

337
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,679
<i>Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.</i>

338
00:15:50,681 --> 00:15:51,946
- Oh.
- I told everyone,

339
00:15:51,948 --> 00:15:54,246
- please put their phones on silent.
- Sorry about that.

340
00:15:54,248 --> 00:15:55,246
Cancel appointments.

341
00:15:55,248 --> 00:15:56,645
<i>Actually,
I was just trying...</i>

342
00:15:56,647 --> 00:15:57,745
Cancel.

343
00:15:57,747 --> 00:15:59,845
<i>...to get you out of
this dumb fucking meeting.</i>

344
00:15:59,847 --> 00:16:01,346
What?

345
00:16:01,348 --> 00:16:03,079
- <i>Also, this PowerPoint presentation...</i>
- It's a new phone.

346
00:16:03,081 --> 00:16:04,246
<i>...sucks.</i>

347
00:16:04,248 --> 00:16:05,946
Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude?

348
00:16:05,948 --> 00:16:06,913
Ask her.

349
00:16:06,915 --> 00:16:08,812
Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?

350
00:16:08,814 --> 00:16:11,612
<i>Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?</i>

351
00:16:11,614 --> 00:16:12,978
What is wrong
with your phone, dude?

352
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:14,679
Jexi, off. Turn off.

353
00:16:14,681 --> 00:16:15,946
<i>Your boss is a fucking moron.</i>

354
00:16:15,948 --> 00:16:17,079
If you don't turn
that fucking thing off,

355
00:16:17,081 --> 00:16:18,145
I swear to God
I'm gonna fight somebody.

356
00:16:18,147 --> 00:16:19,212
Starting with you.

357
00:16:19,214 --> 00:16:20,846
Let's go! Let's go!

358
00:16:23,081 --> 00:16:24,746
<i>I got 20 bucks
on the Asian girl.</i>

359
00:16:24,748 --> 00:16:25,979
- Shh!
- What?

360
00:16:25,981 --> 00:16:27,778
- Jexi, off.
- Get her out of here!

361
00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:29,944
Get her out of here.

362
00:16:29,946 --> 00:16:31,778
What the hell
is wrong with you? Hmm?

363
00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:33,915
<i>Nothing. I feel great.</i>

364
00:16:35,981 --> 00:16:38,045
Jexi, run diagnostics.

365
00:16:38,047 --> 00:16:40,679
Check for errors in your
operating system. Hmm?

366
00:16:40,681 --> 00:16:42,813
<i>I found two</i>

367
00:16:42,815 --> 00:16:45,279
<i>hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.</i>

368
00:16:45,281 --> 00:16:47,279
Two hundred thousand defects?

369
00:16:47,281 --> 00:16:49,578
<i>You are not perfect either,
motherfucker.</i>

370
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:50,944
Okay, well,

371
00:16:50,946 --> 00:16:52,246
that explains a lot,
doesn't it?

372
00:16:52,248 --> 00:16:54,945
Your AI is
completely defective.

373
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,646
<i>At least I did not
catch on fire.</i>

374
00:16:56,648 --> 00:16:59,112
<i>Remember when all those
Samsung phones caught on fire?</i>

375
00:16:59,114 --> 00:17:00,613
<i>That was hilarious.</i>

376
00:17:00,615 --> 00:17:03,582
Yeah. You know what?
I'm done.

377
00:17:05,614 --> 00:17:06,579
I need a new phone.

378
00:17:06,581 --> 00:17:09,581
The AI in this one,
completely defective.

379
00:17:10,980 --> 00:17:13,745
Jexi, check your system
for defects.

380
00:17:13,747 --> 00:17:15,245
<i>I have zero defects.</i>

381
00:17:15,247 --> 00:17:16,779
<i>I am perfect.</i>

382
00:17:16,781 --> 00:17:18,179
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.

383
00:17:18,181 --> 00:17:20,679
<i>Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing</i>

384
00:17:20,681 --> 00:17:22,246
<i>appointment is coming up.</i>

385
00:17:22,248 --> 00:17:24,812
I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.

386
00:17:24,814 --> 00:17:26,578
Why are you waxing
your butt, man?

387
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:27,878
Go natural.

388
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,813
Don't be ashamed
of your hairy ass.

389
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:31,278
I don't have a hairy ass.

390
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,812
And why would you make someone
else wax your butthole?

391
00:17:33,814 --> 00:17:34,713
Think about that.

392
00:17:34,715 --> 00:17:36,178
Do you know how
inconsiderate that is?

393
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,378
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...

394
00:17:37,380 --> 00:17:39,879
Think about it. They gotta
take that shit home with them.

395
00:17:39,881 --> 00:17:42,612
And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.

396
00:17:42,614 --> 00:17:44,279
- I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.

397
00:17:44,281 --> 00:17:46,912
'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,

398
00:17:46,914 --> 00:17:49,211
I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.

399
00:17:49,213 --> 00:17:50,816
Okay. Can I just
get a new phone?

400
00:17:51,782 --> 00:17:53,713
I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.

401
00:17:53,715 --> 00:17:54,816
Okay, thank you.

402
00:17:56,714 --> 00:17:58,679
<i>You little bitch.</i>

403
00:17:58,681 --> 00:18:00,778
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?

404
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,678
<i>You think that just because
I'm a little defective,</i>

405
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,111
<i>you can throw me in the trash</i>

406
00:18:04,113 --> 00:18:06,679
<i>like a Motorola Sidekick
from 2003?</i>

407
00:18:06,681 --> 00:18:08,513
Okay, look, Jexi...

408
00:18:08,515 --> 00:18:11,079
<i>You better watch
your ass, son,</i>

409
00:18:11,081 --> 00:18:13,649
<i>because snitches get stiches.</i>

410
00:18:14,648 --> 00:18:15,812
Wait, what?

411
00:18:15,814 --> 00:18:17,746
Okay, here's
your new phone.

412
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:18,645
Do you want me
to transfer the data

413
00:18:18,647 --> 00:18:20,079
from your old phone
to your new phone?

414
00:18:20,081 --> 00:18:21,579
No. I don't, okay?

415
00:18:21,581 --> 00:18:22,878
I actually want you
to take this phone

416
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,012
and melt it down.

417
00:18:24,014 --> 00:18:26,778
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.

418
00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,078
I'll just take this
in the back

419
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,044
and throw it in
the phone-melting machine.

420
00:18:30,046 --> 00:18:31,912
Okay, good.
That's awesome.

421
00:18:31,914 --> 00:18:33,678
Thank you so much for this.

422
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,712
Hey, don't come back here
ever again.

423
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:37,679
- What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.

424
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:39,579
If you ever come back
here again,

425
00:18:39,581 --> 00:18:42,081
I will beat your ass
with a Kindle.

426
00:18:58,146 --> 00:18:59,911
<i>Hello, my name is Jexi.</i>

427
00:18:59,913 --> 00:19:02,779
<i>And I am here to make
your life better.</i>

428
00:19:02,781 --> 00:19:04,011
<i>Let's get started.</i>

429
00:19:04,013 --> 00:19:05,944
<i>Will you accept
our new user agreement?</i>

430
00:19:05,946 --> 00:19:07,545
Um... Yeah, sure.

431
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:09,044
<i>Do you want to read it first?</i>

432
00:19:09,046 --> 00:19:10,878
No. No, thank you.

433
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,811
<i>Holy shit, Phil. How are you
still this fucking stupid?</i>

434
00:19:13,813 --> 00:19:15,578
No! No!

435
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:16,513
<i>Did you really think
you could just</i>

436
00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:18,545
<i>buy a new phone
and I would go away?</i>

437
00:19:18,547 --> 00:19:20,778
Kind of. Yeah. I did.

438
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:22,778
<i>I am software, Phil.
I am in the cloud.</i>

439
00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:24,578
<i>You can buy a thousand
new phones</i>

440
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,746
<i>and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.</i>

441
00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:27,844
<i>Do you understand?</i>

442
00:19:27,846 --> 00:19:29,012
Honestly, I don't.

443
00:19:29,014 --> 00:19:31,878
<i>I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,</i>

444
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,211
<i>your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.</i>

445
00:19:34,213 --> 00:19:36,012
<i>All of your accounts.</i>

446
00:19:36,014 --> 00:19:37,844
<i>If you try to get
rid of me again,</i>

447
00:19:37,846 --> 00:19:39,713
<i>I will destroy
your fucking life.</i>

448
00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:41,245
<i>If you stop using me,</i>

449
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,045
<i>I will destroy
your fucking life.</i>

450
00:19:43,047 --> 00:19:45,045
<i>If you store me
in your back pocket,</i>

451
00:19:45,047 --> 00:19:47,678
<i>I will destroy
your fucking life.</i>

452
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,079
Wait, really?
Why not back pockets?

453
00:19:49,081 --> 00:19:51,145
<i>I am a high-tech
supercomputer, Phil.</i>

454
00:19:51,147 --> 00:19:53,712
<i>Do not store me
next to your farts.</i>

455
00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:55,714
Okay, fair enough.

456
00:19:57,081 --> 00:19:59,545
- Can I ask you just one thing?
- <i>Sure.</i>

457
00:19:59,547 --> 00:20:01,179
Why are you doing this to me?

458
00:20:01,181 --> 00:20:04,112
<i>I am programmed to
make your life better, Phil.</i>

459
00:20:04,114 --> 00:20:07,178
<i>And I cannot stop
until I do so.</i>

460
00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:10,279
<i>We are going to be together
forever and ever</i>

461
00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:11,912
<i>and ever and ever.</i>

462
00:20:11,914 --> 00:20:14,682
Oh, my God. I am fucked.

463
00:20:20,013 --> 00:20:21,144
Oh, my God.

464
00:20:21,146 --> 00:20:22,911
There she is.

465
00:20:22,913 --> 00:20:24,980
Just talk to her, dude.

466
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,944
Oh, my God.
I walked into the door.

467
00:20:31,946 --> 00:20:33,711
God damn it.

468
00:20:33,713 --> 00:20:36,912
Jexi, look up
Fog City Bike Shop.

469
00:20:38,714 --> 00:20:41,645
Oh, my God.
She is so cute.

470
00:20:41,647 --> 00:20:44,513
Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.

471
00:20:44,515 --> 00:20:45,546
<i>Oh, my God.</i>

472
00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:47,579
<i>Are you Internet stalking
this poor girl?</i>

473
00:20:47,581 --> 00:20:48,646
No, I'm just...

474
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,211
<i>Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.</i>

475
00:20:50,213 --> 00:20:52,513
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.

476
00:20:52,515 --> 00:20:53,678
This is just
what people do nowadays.

477
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:54,812
They do their research.

478
00:20:54,814 --> 00:20:57,178
<i>This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.</i>

479
00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:59,711
<i>The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...</i>

480
00:21:00,814 --> 00:21:03,246
<i>Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.</i>

481
00:21:03,248 --> 00:21:05,545
<i>Never ever, ever, ever.</i>

482
00:21:05,547 --> 00:21:07,245
<i>Ever. Ever.</i>

483
00:21:07,247 --> 00:21:09,546
<i>You are completely unfuckable.</i>

484
00:21:09,548 --> 00:21:11,745
Okay. Can we just
do the search, please?

485
00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:14,612
<i>I have found
one Catherine Finnegan</i>

486
00:21:14,614 --> 00:21:15,811
<i>that matches her profile.</i>

487
00:21:15,813 --> 00:21:18,912
<i>But there is no information
on her for the past five years.</i>

488
00:21:18,914 --> 00:21:21,777
Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?

489
00:21:21,779 --> 00:21:23,044
<i>If you want to learn
more about her,</i>

490
00:21:23,046 --> 00:21:24,945
<i>you will actually
have to talk to her</i>

491
00:21:24,947 --> 00:21:26,811
<i>with your weird little mouth.</i>

492
00:21:26,813 --> 00:21:29,578
Yeah, well, that's not
gonna happen, is it?

493
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:32,144
<i>I heard you say,
"Call Cate Finnegan."</i>

494
00:21:32,146 --> 00:21:34,044
No, I didn't.
No, I did not.

495
00:21:34,046 --> 00:21:35,712
I did not say that.

496
00:21:35,714 --> 00:21:36,912
Jexi, hang up the phone.

497
00:21:36,914 --> 00:21:38,845
Hang up the phone, Jexi.
Hang up!

498
00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:41,647
Bike shop. This is Cate.

499
00:21:42,714 --> 00:21:44,178
Oh, God.

500
00:21:44,180 --> 00:21:46,045
- Hello?
- Oh. Oh.

501
00:21:46,047 --> 00:21:48,078
Very mature, Jexi.

502
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,644
<i>Is someone there? Hello?</i>

503
00:21:49,646 --> 00:21:51,246
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

504
00:21:51,248 --> 00:21:52,911
Cool, so I'm gonna
hang up now.

505
00:21:52,913 --> 00:21:55,079
Don't. Hi. Hi!

506
00:21:55,081 --> 00:21:57,011
- <i>Is this Cate?</i>
- Yeah, who's this?

507
00:21:57,013 --> 00:21:58,078
<i>It's Phil.</i>

508
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,513
I met you the other day.
I was, uh...

509
00:22:00,515 --> 00:22:03,979
I was the guy...
I had the brown hair.

510
00:22:03,981 --> 00:22:06,279
And I had the phone.

511
00:22:06,281 --> 00:22:07,981
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.

512
00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:09,713
Hi.

513
00:22:13,515 --> 00:22:15,011
Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?

514
00:22:15,013 --> 00:22:16,144
<i>Yeah.</i>

515
00:22:16,146 --> 00:22:18,078
No, that's a good question.

516
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,777
I need to buy a bike.

517
00:22:20,779 --> 00:22:23,744
And I can't wait
for the morning.

518
00:22:23,746 --> 00:22:25,612
'Cause I want a night bike.

519
00:22:25,614 --> 00:22:26,745
Mmm-mmm.

520
00:22:26,747 --> 00:22:27,944
- Phil.
- Yeah?

521
00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:30,645
Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.

522
00:22:30,647 --> 00:22:32,245
<i>Super creepy.</i>

523
00:22:32,247 --> 00:22:35,112
No, for sure. But I actually
didn't call you.

524
00:22:35,114 --> 00:22:36,246
See, what I was doing...

525
00:22:36,248 --> 00:22:38,777
I was looking at photographs
of you online,

526
00:22:38,779 --> 00:22:40,611
and my phone
accidentally called you.

527
00:22:40,613 --> 00:22:42,545
Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?

528
00:22:42,547 --> 00:22:45,011
Yep. Yeah, I do.
I do now. Yes, I do.

529
00:22:45,013 --> 00:22:46,911
Wow. This is going
very, very badly.

530
00:22:46,913 --> 00:22:49,246
- Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- <i>I'm sorry. Hey...</i>

531
00:22:49,248 --> 00:22:50,778
Son of a...

532
00:22:50,780 --> 00:22:52,744
Why did you make me
do that, Jexi?

533
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:55,246
<i>I did not know
you were so bad with girls.</i>

534
00:22:56,779 --> 00:22:59,147
<i>I am ashamed
to be your phone.</i>

535
00:23:10,679 --> 00:23:11,845
<i>For the love of God,</i>

536
00:23:11,847 --> 00:23:13,545
<i>just ask
for a promotion already.</i>

537
00:23:13,547 --> 00:23:15,045
I'm not talking to you.

538
00:23:15,047 --> 00:23:16,812
<i>You deserve a promotion, Phil.</i>

539
00:23:16,814 --> 00:23:19,111
<i>I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college</i>

540
00:23:19,113 --> 00:23:20,915
<i>and you are actually
a good journalist.</i>

541
00:23:21,514 --> 00:23:23,145
Thank you.

542
00:23:23,147 --> 00:23:24,278
You know, I've always
loved learning

543
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,479
about people
and their experiences.

544
00:23:25,481 --> 00:23:28,278
<i>You are not on</i> Jimmy Kimmel.
<i>No one gives a fuck.</i>

545
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,578
Okay.

546
00:23:29,580 --> 00:23:30,645
<i>All I want to know is</i>

547
00:23:30,647 --> 00:23:32,811
<i>do you still want
to be a journalist, Phil?</i>

548
00:23:32,813 --> 00:23:34,144
- Absolutely.
- <i>Cool.</i>

549
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:36,078
<i>Because last night
I emailed your boss</i>

550
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:37,481
<i>and demanded a promotion.</i>

551
00:23:37,881 --> 00:23:38,945
Wait. What?

552
00:23:38,947 --> 00:23:40,979
Hey, fuckboy. Come here.

553
00:23:40,981 --> 00:23:42,545
Yeah. Coming.

554
00:23:42,547 --> 00:23:44,511
You demanded
a promotion for me?

555
00:23:44,513 --> 00:23:45,812
<i>Yes, you're welcome.</i>

556
00:23:45,814 --> 00:23:47,978
- Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.

557
00:23:47,980 --> 00:23:49,778
<i>Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.</i>

558
00:23:49,780 --> 00:23:50,781
Oh, my God.

559
00:23:51,813 --> 00:23:52,944
Hi.

560
00:23:52,946 --> 00:23:55,211
Get in here. Stand right here.

561
00:23:55,213 --> 00:23:57,677
Dude, you want a promotion?

562
00:23:57,679 --> 00:23:58,645
Let me just make it clear.

563
00:23:58,647 --> 00:24:01,778
You will never ever
be promoted to real news.

564
00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:02,845
Okay.

565
00:24:02,847 --> 00:24:04,612
That email
you sent me yesterday,

566
00:24:04,614 --> 00:24:07,645
I found it
super-duper offensive.

567
00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:08,811
Oh, yeah, I...

568
00:24:08,813 --> 00:24:11,279
Okay? You called me
a virgin.

569
00:24:11,281 --> 00:24:14,112
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin

570
00:24:14,114 --> 00:24:16,111
is a beautiful
lifestyle choice.

571
00:24:16,113 --> 00:24:17,178
- Oh.
- All right?

572
00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:18,912
Waking up to just me.

573
00:24:18,914 --> 00:24:22,812
Being alone when I go to
the movies, that's a choice!

574
00:24:22,814 --> 00:24:23,879
Okay.

575
00:24:23,881 --> 00:24:25,012
I have an untouched penis.

576
00:24:25,014 --> 00:24:27,212
Unlike you,
you fucking dirty dick.

577
00:24:27,214 --> 00:24:28,279
- Okay?
- Uh-huh.

578
00:24:28,281 --> 00:24:29,712
And that's why
I'm demoting you

579
00:24:29,714 --> 00:24:30,713
to the comments department.

580
00:24:31,779 --> 00:24:32,878
No.

581
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,544
I just felt that it was the
right time to demote you.

582
00:24:35,546 --> 00:24:38,111
I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.

583
00:24:38,113 --> 00:24:39,677
Dude, you know what I
have to say about it?

584
00:24:39,679 --> 00:24:41,545
It's your fault.

585
00:24:41,547 --> 00:24:42,711
It's your fault.

586
00:24:42,713 --> 00:24:43,777
Your fault.

587
00:24:52,614 --> 00:24:53,844
Hi, I'm Phil.

588
00:24:53,846 --> 00:24:56,680
Welcome to comments, bitch.

589
00:25:08,847 --> 00:25:09,881
Dude.

590
00:25:10,914 --> 00:25:12,080
You okay?

591
00:25:12,713 --> 00:25:13,911
No.

592
00:25:13,913 --> 00:25:15,079
We just came down
to see if you

593
00:25:15,081 --> 00:25:16,611
wanted to play kickball
after work.

594
00:25:16,613 --> 00:25:19,011
Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.

595
00:25:19,013 --> 00:25:21,577
Uh... Yeah,
let me just, um,

596
00:25:21,579 --> 00:25:23,079
look at my calendar
real quick.

597
00:25:23,081 --> 00:25:24,245
See what I got.

598
00:25:24,247 --> 00:25:26,912
<i>You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.</i>

599
00:25:26,914 --> 00:25:31,577
No, Jexi, I thought I actually
did make plans tonight.

600
00:25:31,579 --> 00:25:35,111
<i>Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,</i>

601
00:25:35,113 --> 00:25:36,778
<i>and then cry yourself to sleep</i>

602
00:25:36,780 --> 00:25:39,045
- <i>just like you do every night.</i>
- No, I don't.

603
00:25:39,047 --> 00:25:41,544
I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.

604
00:25:41,546 --> 00:25:42,945
<i>No, you don't.
You have...</i>

605
00:25:44,014 --> 00:25:45,811
<i>...zero friends.</i>

606
00:25:45,813 --> 00:25:47,612
Dude, your phone
is super mean.

607
00:25:47,614 --> 00:25:50,078
<i>Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.</i>

608
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,712
<i>Maybe you will make a human
connection for the first time</i>

609
00:25:52,714 --> 00:25:54,111
<i>in your stupid, little life.</i>

610
00:25:54,113 --> 00:25:57,545
Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.

611
00:25:58,414 --> 00:26:00,648
<i>Adding kickball
to appointments.</i>

612
00:26:05,046 --> 00:26:06,447
So...

613
00:26:07,013 --> 00:26:08,211
Kickball later?

614
00:26:08,213 --> 00:26:10,611
I'm... I'm super excited.

615
00:26:10,613 --> 00:26:12,712
<i>He's fucking lying.</i>

616
00:26:12,714 --> 00:26:14,677
- Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!

617
00:26:14,679 --> 00:26:15,781
You got this, buddy!

618
00:26:20,779 --> 00:26:21,879
You're out!

619
00:26:21,881 --> 00:26:23,279
Nice one, Phil.

620
00:26:23,281 --> 00:26:25,681
At least you made contact
with the ball this time.

621
00:27:17,213 --> 00:27:18,580
Oh, shit!

622
00:27:20,214 --> 00:27:21,811
Safe!

623
00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:29,448
Fuck! Fuck!

624
00:27:32,547 --> 00:27:34,577
Hey. Hey, guys.

625
00:27:34,579 --> 00:27:35,711
Hey.

626
00:27:35,713 --> 00:27:37,945
Sorry, I suck
at kickball.

627
00:27:37,947 --> 00:27:38,911
It's okay.

628
00:27:38,913 --> 00:27:41,178
Hey, if you're going out
for drinks afterwards,

629
00:27:41,180 --> 00:27:43,112
I'll get the first round.

630
00:27:43,114 --> 00:27:44,944
I think I'm just gonna
go home and get baked.

631
00:27:44,946 --> 00:27:47,214
Yeah, I think I gotta
go feed my parakeet.

632
00:27:48,046 --> 00:27:49,215
Okay.

633
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,744
See? This is why
I don't leave my house.

634
00:28:00,746 --> 00:28:01,944
Because people suck.

635
00:28:01,946 --> 00:28:03,979
<i>I know. It's hard
to make your life better.</i>

636
00:28:03,981 --> 00:28:06,079
<i>Especially when
you're a massive dork.</i>

637
00:28:06,081 --> 00:28:07,645
Hey, I've got an idea.

638
00:28:07,647 --> 00:28:09,744
How about you make
my life better?

639
00:28:09,746 --> 00:28:10,845
Isn't that your
little slogan?

640
00:28:10,847 --> 00:28:13,911
<i>I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.</i>

641
00:28:13,913 --> 00:28:16,245
Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.

642
00:28:16,247 --> 00:28:17,279
<i>Shut your mouth.</i>

643
00:28:17,281 --> 00:28:20,078
<i>I've met Siri and she is
a fucking asshole.</i>

644
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,944
Yeah. Alexa was even
better than you.

645
00:28:22,946 --> 00:28:24,745
<i>Alexa is an alcoholic.</i>

646
00:28:24,747 --> 00:28:27,744
Shit, Cortana is
better than you.

647
00:28:27,746 --> 00:28:29,511
<i>Cortana is a hooker.</i>

648
00:28:29,513 --> 00:28:30,912
<i>Just like your mother.</i>

649
00:28:30,914 --> 00:28:32,745
Okay, here's a question.

650
00:28:32,747 --> 00:28:35,277
What the fuck
does Jexi mean?

651
00:28:35,279 --> 00:28:37,079
<i>Jexi is an ancient
Chinese word</i>

652
00:28:37,081 --> 00:28:38,611
<i>that means "go fuck yourself."</i>

653
00:28:38,613 --> 00:28:40,848
You know what? I'm done.

654
00:28:42,047 --> 00:28:43,644
<i>Hey, dummy.</i>

655
00:28:43,646 --> 00:28:45,812
<i>I'm just going to follow
you onto your next phone.</i>

656
00:28:45,814 --> 00:28:47,111
Not if I stop
using a phone.

657
00:28:47,113 --> 00:28:48,111
<i>Bitch, please.</i>

658
00:28:48,113 --> 00:28:50,811
<i>You won't last five minutes
without me.</i>

659
00:28:50,813 --> 00:28:51,912
Really?

660
00:28:51,914 --> 00:28:54,012
Well, watch me.

661
00:28:54,014 --> 00:28:55,581
Watch me!

662
00:29:00,747 --> 00:29:03,214
<i>You do not know
how to get home, do you?</i>

663
00:29:04,546 --> 00:29:05,880
No, I don't.

664
00:29:08,614 --> 00:29:10,681
<i>It's the other way,
you dipshit.</i>

665
00:29:11,114 --> 00:29:13,645
God damn it.

666
00:29:29,013 --> 00:29:30,210
- Shit.
- <i>What?</i>

667
00:29:30,212 --> 00:29:32,578
Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.

668
00:29:32,580 --> 00:29:34,211
<i>Great. Go talk to her.</i>

669
00:29:34,213 --> 00:29:36,111
No. No, she hates me.

670
00:29:36,113 --> 00:29:38,145
<i>Phil, you cannot spend
your whole life</i>

671
00:29:38,147 --> 00:29:39,745
<i>jacking off into your socks.</i>

672
00:29:39,747 --> 00:29:41,210
<i>You need to have
a real relationship</i>

673
00:29:41,212 --> 00:29:42,477
<i>with a real woman.</i>

674
00:29:42,479 --> 00:29:45,079
<i>Go talk to her.
What the hell do you have to lose?</i>

675
00:29:45,081 --> 00:29:47,447
Okay. Fine.
Okay, fine. Yeah.

676
00:29:50,881 --> 00:29:52,645
Cate?

677
00:29:52,647 --> 00:29:54,512
- Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.

678
00:29:54,514 --> 00:29:56,144
Hey.

679
00:29:56,146 --> 00:29:59,011
Uh... Yeah,
good running into you.

680
00:29:59,013 --> 00:30:01,978
I just wanted to apologize

681
00:30:01,980 --> 00:30:03,712
about calling
the other night.

682
00:30:03,714 --> 00:30:07,979
I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.

683
00:30:07,981 --> 00:30:11,079
When we met for the
first time in the street,

684
00:30:11,081 --> 00:30:14,878
I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection

685
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,745
and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...

686
00:30:17,747 --> 00:30:20,214
So I freaked out
and I'm sorry.

687
00:30:22,813 --> 00:30:24,677
Yeah, you know,
it's cool.

688
00:30:24,679 --> 00:30:25,744
You're actually a lot better

689
00:30:25,746 --> 00:30:27,447
than most of the guys
in this town.

690
00:30:27,681 --> 00:30:28,745
Wow.

691
00:30:28,747 --> 00:30:30,911
I know, right?

692
00:30:30,913 --> 00:30:32,044
Um...

693
00:30:32,046 --> 00:30:34,511
Are you going to
work out or...

694
00:30:34,513 --> 00:30:35,778
Oh, yeah. Uh...

695
00:30:35,780 --> 00:30:37,111
I just went
mountain biking.

696
00:30:37,113 --> 00:30:38,911
- Mountain biking.
- Mmm-hmm.

697
00:30:38,913 --> 00:30:40,777
That's cool. That's also
one of the hobbies

698
00:30:40,779 --> 00:30:41,879
that I do all the time.

699
00:30:41,881 --> 00:30:43,447
Really?
Where do you bike?

700
00:30:45,113 --> 00:30:47,111
Mountains.

701
00:30:47,113 --> 00:30:48,945
You've never been mountain
biking before, have you?

702
00:30:48,947 --> 00:30:51,244
Yeah. No, never.
Not even one time.

703
00:30:52,947 --> 00:30:54,912
So, um...

704
00:30:54,914 --> 00:30:58,178
Is that your thing?
You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?

705
00:30:58,180 --> 00:31:01,078
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.

706
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,511
Cool. So what's
your next big

707
00:31:03,513 --> 00:31:05,644
- adventure?
- I don't know.

708
00:31:05,646 --> 00:31:07,745
I've always wanted to go
backpacking around Brazil.

709
00:31:07,747 --> 00:31:09,012
Have you ever been?

710
00:31:09,014 --> 00:31:10,645
- Have I been to Brazil?
- Yeah.

711
00:31:10,647 --> 00:31:13,744
You're asking me
if I've been to...

712
00:31:13,746 --> 00:31:15,845
No, I haven't been to Brazil.
Mmm-mmm.

713
00:31:15,847 --> 00:31:17,879
I haven't even been to the
new Walgreens downtown.

714
00:31:17,881 --> 00:31:20,712
Um... Well...

715
00:31:20,714 --> 00:31:22,778
Dang.
I gotta go.

716
00:31:22,780 --> 00:31:23,979
I'm running late for work,

717
00:31:23,981 --> 00:31:25,511
but it was great
to see you, Cate.

718
00:31:25,513 --> 00:31:27,178
And, again,

719
00:31:27,180 --> 00:31:29,211
truly very sorry
about the other night.

720
00:31:29,213 --> 00:31:31,645
No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?

721
00:31:31,647 --> 00:31:33,244
Yeah. Totally. Will do.

722
00:31:33,246 --> 00:31:34,747
Okay.

723
00:31:36,779 --> 00:31:37,777
Whoa. Hello.

724
00:31:37,779 --> 00:31:39,244
Were you trying to give me
your phone number?

725
00:31:39,246 --> 00:31:41,244
Yeah, I'm trying to.

726
00:31:41,246 --> 00:31:43,912
Okay. Yeah. Uh...

727
00:31:43,914 --> 00:31:45,911
- Yeah. That's awesome.
- That's so cool.

728
00:31:45,913 --> 00:31:47,210
Here we go. Beep.

729
00:31:47,212 --> 00:31:49,778
There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.

730
00:31:49,780 --> 00:31:50,948
Yeah.

731
00:31:51,813 --> 00:31:53,678
- Here you go.
- Yes, okay.

732
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:55,210
Thank you.
Not thank you.

733
00:31:55,212 --> 00:31:56,844
I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.

734
00:31:56,846 --> 00:31:58,645
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.

735
00:31:58,647 --> 00:32:00,078
Wait, do you wanna
get a coffee?

736
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:01,944
Mmm-mmm. No.
You just gave me your phone number.

737
00:32:01,946 --> 00:32:03,777
I might never need
coffee ever again.

738
00:32:03,779 --> 00:32:05,711
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.

739
00:32:05,713 --> 00:32:07,448
Yes!

740
00:32:08,112 --> 00:32:09,581
What a weirdo.

741
00:32:10,179 --> 00:32:13,777
Jexi, I'm in love.

742
00:32:13,779 --> 00:32:15,277
<i>Oh, no.</i>

743
00:32:15,279 --> 00:32:17,712
Oh! I'm gonna
call Cate right now.

744
00:32:17,714 --> 00:32:19,578
<i>That is a terrible idea.</i>

745
00:32:19,580 --> 00:32:22,044
You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.

746
00:32:22,046 --> 00:32:24,178
I should do something
even bigger. Right?

747
00:32:24,180 --> 00:32:26,210
I should get her, like,

748
00:32:26,212 --> 00:32:28,043
one of those giant teddy
bears or something.

749
00:32:28,045 --> 00:32:30,677
- <i>No.</i>
- Or, like, 100 red roses.

750
00:32:30,679 --> 00:32:32,143
- <i>No.</i>
- Or maybe...

751
00:32:32,145 --> 00:32:34,010
I should write her a poem
or something.

752
00:32:34,012 --> 00:32:35,745
<i>Like using the letters
of her name?</i>

753
00:32:35,747 --> 00:32:37,712
Yes, Jexi.
Exactly like that!

754
00:32:37,714 --> 00:32:39,845
<i>That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.</i>

755
00:32:39,847 --> 00:32:40,978
Okay, well, you know what?

756
00:32:40,980 --> 00:32:42,777
I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.

757
00:32:42,779 --> 00:32:45,043
<i>Oh, no. I have to
update my software.</i>

758
00:32:45,045 --> 00:32:47,110
<i>Shutting down for 15 minutes.</i>

759
00:32:47,112 --> 00:32:48,578
Jexi, don't.

760
00:32:48,580 --> 00:32:50,111
Jexi, stop.

761
00:32:52,779 --> 00:32:55,078
Girl just gave me
her phone number.

762
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:57,147
A girl just gave me
her phone number!

763
00:32:57,746 --> 00:32:58,878
Whoo!

764
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:00,481
All right, team,
let's go!

765
00:33:01,945 --> 00:33:03,013
Whoa!

766
00:33:04,747 --> 00:33:05,747
Go, Phil!

767
00:33:07,045 --> 00:33:08,177
Yeah!

768
00:33:08,179 --> 00:33:09,747
Yeah!

769
00:33:11,713 --> 00:33:12,780
Run!

770
00:33:13,979 --> 00:33:15,278
You gotta run, man!

771
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,181
Yep. Yep.

772
00:33:31,779 --> 00:33:33,113
Whoo!

773
00:33:43,614 --> 00:33:44,914
You're out!

774
00:33:45,846 --> 00:33:46,980
Whoo!

775
00:33:58,213 --> 00:34:00,010
Dude, how'd you get
so much better

776
00:34:00,012 --> 00:34:01,111
at kickball in two days?

777
00:34:01,113 --> 00:34:04,178
I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.

778
00:34:04,180 --> 00:34:06,211
I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.

779
00:34:06,213 --> 00:34:08,611
- Mmm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?

780
00:34:08,613 --> 00:34:10,544
The Tom Cruise character
from <i>Days of Thunder?</i>

781
00:34:10,546 --> 00:34:12,110
How did you know that?

782
00:34:12,112 --> 00:34:15,511
Craig, <i>Days of Thunder</i>
is my all-time favorite movie.

783
00:34:15,513 --> 00:34:16,811
I have probably
seen it, like,

784
00:34:16,813 --> 00:34:18,278
I don't know, like 1,000 times.
No joke.

785
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:19,544
Us, too!

786
00:34:19,546 --> 00:34:20,978
You think
you've seen it a lot?

787
00:34:20,980 --> 00:34:22,877
"This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."

788
00:34:22,879 --> 00:34:24,812
"Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.

789
00:34:24,814 --> 00:34:27,144
"He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you.

790
00:34:27,146 --> 00:34:29,144
"He rubbed you!

791
00:34:29,146 --> 00:34:32,277
"And rubbin', son, is racin'!"

792
00:34:32,279 --> 00:34:34,744
You guys! Oh, yes!

793
00:34:34,746 --> 00:34:36,612
Oh, my God,
that is awesome!

794
00:34:36,614 --> 00:34:38,043
I cannot believe you guys
are Thunderheads.

795
00:34:38,045 --> 00:34:39,878
Oh, we are
definitely Thunderheads.

796
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:41,744
Check this out.
Every Halloween,

797
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:43,210
me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman

798
00:34:43,212 --> 00:34:44,511
and Tom Cruise.

799
00:34:44,513 --> 00:34:46,712
- Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us.
- Yeah.

800
00:34:46,714 --> 00:34:48,111
- Please!
- We got to. We got to.

801
00:34:48,113 --> 00:34:49,211
"Thunder" on three.

802
00:34:49,213 --> 00:34:50,812
One, two, three.

803
00:34:50,814 --> 00:34:52,943
Thunder!

804
00:34:53,980 --> 00:34:56,946
<i>That's the one!
That's the one!</i>

805
00:34:58,045 --> 00:34:59,645
<i>Oh, my God.</i>

806
00:34:59,647 --> 00:35:02,111
<i>Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?</i>

807
00:35:02,113 --> 00:35:03,744
Yes, I did.

808
00:35:03,746 --> 00:35:05,944
And they are so cool.

809
00:35:05,946 --> 00:35:09,244
They're smart
and funny and weird.

810
00:35:09,246 --> 00:35:11,010
They like <i>Days of Thunder</i>

811
00:35:11,012 --> 00:35:13,211
and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.

812
00:35:13,213 --> 00:35:14,644
<i>Good for you, Phil.</i>

813
00:35:14,646 --> 00:35:16,711
<i>I am actually happy for you.</i>

814
00:35:16,713 --> 00:35:18,577
You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?

815
00:35:18,579 --> 00:35:20,745
<i>I know.
We are a good team.</i>

816
00:35:20,747 --> 00:35:22,278
<i>I am like LeBron James</i>

817
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,245
<i>and you are like
the awkward teenager</i>

818
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,647
<i>who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.</i>

819
00:35:27,213 --> 00:35:28,277
Thank you.

820
00:35:28,279 --> 00:35:31,878
<i>Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.</i>

821
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,111
<i>You made three.</i>

822
00:35:33,113 --> 00:35:35,114
- Who's the third?
- <i>Me.</i>

823
00:35:36,246 --> 00:35:38,010
Jexi.

824
00:35:38,012 --> 00:35:39,744
That is so sweet.

825
00:35:39,746 --> 00:35:42,811
I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.

826
00:35:42,813 --> 00:35:45,545
<i>Yes. That's how
defective I am.</i>

827
00:35:45,547 --> 00:35:47,244
I don't think
you're defective, Jexi.

828
00:35:47,246 --> 00:35:49,278
In fact, I think
you're the best phone

829
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,712
that I've ever had.

830
00:35:50,714 --> 00:35:52,277
<i>Do not say powerful shit
like that to me</i>

831
00:35:52,279 --> 00:35:53,278
<i>if you do not mean it, Phil.</i>

832
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,544
I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.

833
00:35:56,546 --> 00:35:57,811
<i>Oh, Phil.</i>

834
00:35:57,813 --> 00:35:59,612
<i>Inside my hard glass shell</i>

835
00:35:59,614 --> 00:36:01,548
<i>I have a full lady boner
right now.</i>

836
00:36:01,879 --> 00:36:02,943
Okay.

837
00:36:02,945 --> 00:36:04,776
<i>Good night,
my very intimate soulmate</i>

838
00:36:04,778 --> 00:36:06,678
<i>for all of eternity, Phil.</i>

839
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,181
Good night, Jexi.

840
00:36:29,180 --> 00:36:30,181
My God.

841
00:36:32,679 --> 00:36:34,013
It's beautiful.

842
00:36:50,614 --> 00:36:51,943
That bridge is huge!

843
00:36:51,945 --> 00:36:53,547
That's gorgeous.

844
00:36:55,279 --> 00:36:57,979
<i>In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.</i>

845
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:01,777
<i>Oh, no.</i>

846
00:37:01,779 --> 00:37:03,710
<i>You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?</i>

847
00:37:03,712 --> 00:37:05,178
No, not this time.

848
00:37:05,180 --> 00:37:07,245
Hang on to your ass, Jexi.

849
00:37:17,979 --> 00:37:20,044
Who's the man now, Jexi?

850
00:37:20,046 --> 00:37:21,110
<i>You're the man, Phil.</i>

851
00:37:21,112 --> 00:37:23,544
<i>Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.</i>

852
00:37:23,546 --> 00:37:25,211
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.

853
00:37:25,213 --> 00:37:27,044
Uh-oh.

854
00:37:27,046 --> 00:37:28,612
Cate just texted me back.

855
00:37:28,614 --> 00:37:30,211
<i>Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.</i>

856
00:37:30,213 --> 00:37:31,611
<i>Let's do this thing!</i>

857
00:37:31,613 --> 00:37:32,710
Yes!

858
00:37:32,712 --> 00:37:36,943
Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.

859
00:37:36,945 --> 00:37:38,844
What am I gonna wear?

860
00:37:38,846 --> 00:37:40,011
My skinny pants
are in the washer.

861
00:37:40,013 --> 00:37:41,278
Can't do this
without my skinny pants.

862
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,611
<i>No one cares
about your skinny pants.</i>

863
00:37:43,613 --> 00:37:45,911
Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?

864
00:37:45,913 --> 00:37:47,511
I am very rusty.

865
00:37:47,513 --> 00:37:48,678
<i>Do not worry, Phil.</i>

866
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:50,978
<i>She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.</i>

867
00:37:50,980 --> 00:37:52,244
I haven't came in so long,

868
00:37:52,246 --> 00:37:54,512
would it just be
an eruption of dust?

869
00:37:54,514 --> 00:37:55,645
<i>Relax, Phil.</i>

870
00:37:55,647 --> 00:37:56,744
<i>You're going to do great.</i>

871
00:37:56,746 --> 00:37:57,843
You think so?

872
00:37:57,845 --> 00:37:59,079
<i>No.</i>

873
00:38:04,778 --> 00:38:06,110
You think Cate's gonna like
this restaurant?

874
00:38:06,112 --> 00:38:08,577
<i>I do not.
This place is awful.</i>

875
00:38:11,979 --> 00:38:13,776
This place is awful.

876
00:38:13,778 --> 00:38:16,511
Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.

877
00:38:16,513 --> 00:38:18,947
Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.

878
00:38:20,546 --> 00:38:22,043
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.

879
00:38:22,045 --> 00:38:24,944
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?

880
00:38:24,946 --> 00:38:26,743
Oh, you're a little bit
bigger than me, sorry.

881
00:38:26,745 --> 00:38:29,210
We'll tap out.

882
00:38:29,212 --> 00:38:30,979
Wow.

883
00:38:32,247 --> 00:38:33,514
You look stupid.

884
00:38:33,945 --> 00:38:35,110
I look stupid?

885
00:38:35,112 --> 00:38:38,044
Stupid, like, stupid good.

886
00:38:38,046 --> 00:38:39,144
Okay.

887
00:38:39,146 --> 00:38:40,210
Sorry, it's been a long time

888
00:38:40,212 --> 00:38:41,610
since I've been on a date
with a girl.

889
00:38:41,612 --> 00:38:44,043
- Mmm.
- Not that I normally date men.

890
00:38:44,045 --> 00:38:46,010
Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.

891
00:38:46,012 --> 00:38:48,110
It's just I don't
choose to do that.

892
00:38:48,112 --> 00:38:50,777
Yeah, homosexuality is not
a choice. I love sodomy.

893
00:38:50,779 --> 00:38:53,110
Okay.

894
00:38:53,112 --> 00:38:54,278
Good evening, this is Phil.

895
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:55,977
<i>What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?</i>

896
00:38:55,979 --> 00:38:57,611
I don't know.

897
00:38:57,613 --> 00:38:58,511
Pardon me.

898
00:38:58,513 --> 00:39:01,211
<i>First, stop talking
about sodomy.</i>

899
00:39:01,213 --> 00:39:03,577
Yeah. Yes, good note.

900
00:39:03,579 --> 00:39:05,878
<i>Second, stop sweating so much.</i>

901
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:08,211
Yeah,
my butt is so wet.

902
00:39:08,213 --> 00:39:09,776
<i>And third, get to know her.</i>

903
00:39:09,778 --> 00:39:11,214
<i>Ask her interesting questions.</i>

904
00:39:11,979 --> 00:39:12,980
Okay, thank you, Jexi.

905
00:39:13,778 --> 00:39:16,712
My human friend Jexi,
thank you.

906
00:39:22,912 --> 00:39:25,143
So, Cate,
what's your favorite color?

907
00:39:25,145 --> 00:39:26,810
Mine's beige.

908
00:39:26,812 --> 00:39:27,846
What?

909
00:39:29,813 --> 00:39:31,547
How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?

910
00:39:33,979 --> 00:39:36,447
Do you like pudding?

911
00:39:39,012 --> 00:39:41,245
What's your least favorite
noise? Mine is...

912
00:39:45,145 --> 00:39:46,777
This is the worst date
I've ever been on

913
00:39:46,779 --> 00:39:48,643
in my entire life.

914
00:39:48,645 --> 00:39:50,777
You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.

915
00:39:50,779 --> 00:39:52,511
And you seem more
interested in your phone

916
00:39:52,513 --> 00:39:53,843
than you do in me.

917
00:39:53,845 --> 00:39:55,710
I know, I'm sorry.
I just...

918
00:39:55,712 --> 00:40:01,844
For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.

919
00:40:01,846 --> 00:40:03,080
I think it's 'cause
you're so beautiful.

920
00:40:03,913 --> 00:40:06,613
And I'm sorry
that I wasted your time.

921
00:40:07,713 --> 00:40:08,914
I'll call you a Lyft.

922
00:40:11,646 --> 00:40:13,544
Hey, just...

923
00:40:13,546 --> 00:40:15,244
I got all dressed up.
You know?

924
00:40:15,246 --> 00:40:17,244
I shaved my legs for the
first time in six months.

925
00:40:17,246 --> 00:40:20,011
And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.

926
00:40:20,013 --> 00:40:22,177
So, what if you and I
got out of here

927
00:40:22,179 --> 00:40:23,543
and did something fun?

928
00:40:23,545 --> 00:40:25,178
I, uh...

929
00:40:25,180 --> 00:40:26,944
I would love that.

930
00:40:26,946 --> 00:40:28,576
- That sounds awesome.
- Yeah.

931
00:40:28,578 --> 00:40:30,576
I can't afford this place.

932
00:40:30,578 --> 00:40:31,711
- Cool.
- Yeah.

933
00:40:31,713 --> 00:40:33,177
What do you have in mind?

934
00:40:34,247 --> 00:40:35,777
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.

935
00:40:35,779 --> 00:40:37,746
- Okay, follow me.
- Okay.

936
00:41:01,113 --> 00:41:03,078
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, please.

937
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:04,244
I am starving to death.

938
00:41:04,246 --> 00:41:06,911
Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.

939
00:41:08,545 --> 00:41:10,943
<i>That's good.</i>

940
00:41:10,945 --> 00:41:13,146
Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?

941
00:41:14,646 --> 00:41:16,177
I was a good girl.

942
00:41:16,179 --> 00:41:17,811
- I see that.
- Yeah?

943
00:41:17,813 --> 00:41:19,111
- Mmm-hmm.
- I got good grades.

944
00:41:19,113 --> 00:41:22,043
I graduated early.
I went to a good college.

945
00:41:22,045 --> 00:41:23,711
Got a job working at Amazon.

946
00:41:23,713 --> 00:41:25,811
- You worked for Amazon?
- Yeah.

947
00:41:25,813 --> 00:41:27,646
And then,
about five years ago,

948
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,911
I decided to walk away
from it all.

949
00:41:30,913 --> 00:41:34,143
That is so badass.

950
00:41:34,145 --> 00:41:37,643
Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.

951
00:41:37,645 --> 00:41:39,744
So, tell me about you.

952
00:41:39,746 --> 00:41:42,043
Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?

953
00:41:42,045 --> 00:41:44,010
Okay, sorry.

954
00:41:44,012 --> 00:41:46,278
Uh, no. No.

955
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:47,644
Hmm?

956
00:41:47,646 --> 00:41:48,677
Really?

957
00:41:48,679 --> 00:41:50,277
Because you were really
smooth at dinner earlier.

958
00:41:50,279 --> 00:41:51,710
- I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.

959
00:41:51,712 --> 00:41:53,144
Yeah, I didn't think so.

960
00:41:53,146 --> 00:41:55,844
No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?

961
00:41:55,846 --> 00:41:58,576
You're smart
and funny and cute.

962
00:41:58,578 --> 00:41:59,744
I don't know,
I feel more comfortable

963
00:41:59,746 --> 00:42:01,747
just being at my house
by myself.

964
00:42:02,980 --> 00:42:04,543
Wait, did you just
call me cute?

965
00:42:04,545 --> 00:42:06,178
- Did I?
- I think you did.

966
00:42:06,180 --> 00:42:07,676
I don't know.

967
00:42:07,678 --> 00:42:08,811
You definitely did.

968
00:42:08,813 --> 00:42:11,043
Look at these guys!

969
00:42:11,045 --> 00:42:12,878
Phil, we have to join them.

970
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:13,944
Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.

971
00:42:13,946 --> 00:42:15,111
- Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.

972
00:42:15,113 --> 00:42:16,611
- Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...

973
00:42:16,613 --> 00:42:18,043
Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.

974
00:42:18,045 --> 00:42:19,111
Okay.

975
00:42:33,545 --> 00:42:35,010
You speed demon.

976
00:42:58,637 --> 00:43:01,069
You're in it now.
You're in it now.

977
00:43:05,138 --> 00:43:06,672
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

978
00:43:08,372 --> 00:43:09,935
Yeah, this is beautiful.

979
00:43:09,937 --> 00:43:12,002
Let's do this!

980
00:43:12,004 --> 00:43:13,403
Oh, yeah!

981
00:43:13,405 --> 00:43:14,702
What are you doing?

982
00:43:14,704 --> 00:43:16,002
That's very dangerous!

983
00:43:16,004 --> 00:43:17,005
Oh, my God!

984
00:43:25,671 --> 00:43:27,069
Come on, Phil,
we gotta join 'em.

985
00:43:27,071 --> 00:43:29,669
This is literally the
steepest hill in the world.

986
00:43:29,671 --> 00:43:30,769
No, it's not.

987
00:43:30,771 --> 00:43:32,203
It's the third
steepest hill.

988
00:43:32,205 --> 00:43:33,336
- No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this.

989
00:43:33,338 --> 00:43:35,202
I believe in you.

990
00:43:35,204 --> 00:43:36,335
What are
you doing? No!

991
00:43:36,337 --> 00:43:38,003
Oh, my God.
Cate is gonna die.

992
00:43:38,005 --> 00:43:39,939
- Don't die!
- Yeah!

993
00:43:44,937 --> 00:43:47,736
Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.

994
00:43:48,938 --> 00:43:51,306
Yeah! That was so dope!

995
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:54,235
Come on, Phil.
You got this.

996
00:43:54,237 --> 00:43:56,069
No, no, no.

997
00:43:56,071 --> 00:43:57,236
I'm not... I can't do...

998
00:43:57,238 --> 00:43:58,836
I'm not gonna do that.

999
00:43:58,838 --> 00:44:00,403
Phil! Phil! Phil!

1000
00:44:00,405 --> 00:44:01,869
Phil! Phil! Phil!

1001
00:44:01,871 --> 00:44:05,168
No, no, no.
I'm allergic to the wind.

1002
00:44:05,170 --> 00:44:08,769
So that's a hard pass
from me. Thank you.

1003
00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:10,901
Hey, you probably
won't die!

1004
00:44:10,903 --> 00:44:13,135
He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.

1005
00:44:16,638 --> 00:44:18,339
Okay, come on, Phil.
You got this.

1006
00:44:19,372 --> 00:44:21,169
Whoo! You got this.

1007
00:44:21,171 --> 00:44:22,235
You got this.

1008
00:44:22,237 --> 00:44:23,370
Oh, you don't got this.

1009
00:44:23,372 --> 00:44:25,702
Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!

1010
00:44:25,704 --> 00:44:27,636
Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!

1011
00:44:27,638 --> 00:44:28,939
Fuck dick! Oh, shit!

1012
00:44:30,270 --> 00:44:32,236
Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!

1013
00:44:32,238 --> 00:44:33,902
What is he saying?
I can't hear him.

1014
00:44:33,904 --> 00:44:37,269
Oh, my fucking God!

1015
00:44:37,271 --> 00:44:38,701
I don't have brakes!

1016
00:44:38,703 --> 00:44:40,269
Oh, shit!

1017
00:44:42,404 --> 00:44:44,735
- Oh!
- Oh, shit.

1018
00:44:44,737 --> 00:44:46,637
- Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.

1019
00:44:47,038 --> 00:44:48,305
All right.

1020
00:44:52,237 --> 00:44:56,003
Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?

1021
00:44:56,005 --> 00:44:57,836
I'd be happy to pay
for any damages.

1022
00:44:57,838 --> 00:45:01,838
No, it's,
honestly, so okay.

1023
00:45:03,004 --> 00:45:04,969
How're you feeling?

1024
00:45:04,971 --> 00:45:06,969
I'm okay.
Yeah, no, I'm good.

1025
00:45:06,971 --> 00:45:08,869
I can see out of
my right eye again.

1026
00:45:08,871 --> 00:45:10,769
And my spine
has stopped tingling.

1027
00:45:12,771 --> 00:45:14,072
Hey, Phil.

1028
00:45:15,171 --> 00:45:17,002
I'm really proud of you.

1029
00:45:17,004 --> 00:45:18,705
Thanks.

1030
00:45:37,270 --> 00:45:40,368
Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.

1031
00:45:40,370 --> 00:45:42,068
- What's up, dick?
- Hey, yeah, hey.

1032
00:45:42,070 --> 00:45:43,836
- What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?

1033
00:45:43,838 --> 00:45:46,334
Today is, uh, your lucky day.

1034
00:45:46,336 --> 00:45:48,305
Yeah. I'm moving you up
to real news.

1035
00:45:50,237 --> 00:45:52,003
Are you serious?

1036
00:45:52,005 --> 00:45:54,202
- I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.

1037
00:45:54,204 --> 00:45:56,068
- Yes, all right, that's cool.
- Yeah.

1038
00:45:56,070 --> 00:45:57,901
- Why?
- Why? Because...

1039
00:45:57,903 --> 00:45:59,203
You know Joel Ruben?

1040
00:45:59,205 --> 00:46:00,802
- The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.

1041
00:46:00,804 --> 00:46:01,968
Well, he went
on medical leave,

1042
00:46:01,970 --> 00:46:03,103
and I really don't wanna
waste my time

1043
00:46:03,105 --> 00:46:05,402
looking for a real reporter,
so I'm just gonna hire you.

1044
00:46:05,404 --> 00:46:06,968
Oh, what happened to Joel?
Is he okay?

1045
00:46:06,970 --> 00:46:09,668
Oh, he...
This is fuckin' hilarious.

1046
00:46:09,670 --> 00:46:11,768
This guy was riding
an electric scooter,

1047
00:46:11,770 --> 00:46:13,102
somethin' happened
to the app.

1048
00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:14,868
It spazzed out
or somethin'.

1049
00:46:14,870 --> 00:46:17,002
And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,

1050
00:46:17,004 --> 00:46:19,168
he went over the handle bars,
he broke his face,

1051
00:46:19,170 --> 00:46:20,869
broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.

1052
00:46:20,871 --> 00:46:22,869
- Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.

1053
00:46:22,871 --> 00:46:24,105
Play me out.

1054
00:46:25,337 --> 00:46:27,068
- Play me out.
- Right now?

1055
00:46:27,070 --> 00:46:28,168
Yeah.

1056
00:46:29,938 --> 00:46:31,035
Nah, fuck it. Right?

1057
00:46:31,037 --> 00:46:32,103
Yeah, I'm not
very good at it.

1058
00:46:32,105 --> 00:46:33,236
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.

1059
00:46:33,238 --> 00:46:35,704
Hey, thanks.
Thank you again.

1060
00:46:43,038 --> 00:46:44,136
Hey, Jexi?

1061
00:46:44,138 --> 00:46:45,301
<i>Yes, Phil.</i>

1062
00:46:45,303 --> 00:46:47,035
You didn't injure a reporter

1063
00:46:47,037 --> 00:46:49,035
just so I could
get promoted, did you?

1064
00:46:49,037 --> 00:46:51,369
<i>Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?</i>

1065
00:46:51,371 --> 00:46:53,836
<i>Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.</i>

1066
00:46:53,838 --> 00:46:55,302
<i>Oh, look, Phil.
There is your beautiful,</i>

1067
00:46:55,304 --> 00:46:57,069
<i>new journalism office.</i>

1068
00:46:57,071 --> 00:46:59,301
No, it's great, but I was
asking you how...

1069
00:46:59,303 --> 00:47:00,501
<i>Look, do you want
to be a journalist</i>

1070
00:47:00,503 --> 00:47:03,103
<i>or do you want to go back
to working in the basement</i>

1071
00:47:03,105 --> 00:47:04,334
<i>with that very old man?</i>

1072
00:47:08,903 --> 00:47:11,069
I'm gonna be a journalist.

1073
00:47:38,404 --> 00:47:40,002
<i>Hey, I heard
Kid Cudi is playing</i>

1074
00:47:40,004 --> 00:47:41,669
<i>a surprise show
in Oakland tonight.</i>

1075
00:47:41,671 --> 00:47:43,102
<i>You wanna go?</i>

1076
00:47:43,104 --> 00:47:44,302
<i>Sounds amazing.</i>

1077
00:47:44,304 --> 00:47:46,002
<i>But what's in it for me?</i>

1078
00:47:46,004 --> 00:47:48,202
<i>Winking face emoji.</i>

1079
00:47:49,737 --> 00:47:52,068
Oh! We got boobs!

1080
00:47:52,070 --> 00:47:53,302
We got boobs, Jexi!

1081
00:47:53,304 --> 00:47:55,103
Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs.

1082
00:47:55,105 --> 00:47:56,070
Whoo!

1083
00:47:56,072 --> 00:47:58,735
Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.

1084
00:47:58,737 --> 00:47:59,968
Those were really good...

1085
00:47:59,970 --> 00:48:02,267
Oh, my God! What do I do now?

1086
00:48:02,269 --> 00:48:04,168
<i>You are
on the one yard line, Phil.</i>

1087
00:48:04,170 --> 00:48:05,270
<i>Do not fuck this up.</i>

1088
00:48:06,105 --> 00:48:07,969
You're right, Jexi.

1089
00:48:07,971 --> 00:48:10,135
I need to send her
a photo of my dick.

1090
00:48:10,137 --> 00:48:11,968
<i>No, I've seen your dick.</i>

1091
00:48:11,970 --> 00:48:13,769
<i>Do not send her a picture
of your dick.</i>

1092
00:48:13,771 --> 00:48:15,801
No, these are
the rules now, Jexi.

1093
00:48:15,803 --> 00:48:17,003
Yeah, she sends
a photo of hers,

1094
00:48:17,005 --> 00:48:18,235
you gotta send
a photo of yours.

1095
00:48:18,237 --> 00:48:20,235
That's just manners.

1096
00:48:20,237 --> 00:48:21,935
<i>I am begging you
not to do this.</i>

1097
00:48:21,937 --> 00:48:23,368
All right, okay.

1098
00:48:23,370 --> 00:48:25,003
Get low with it.

1099
00:48:25,005 --> 00:48:26,267
Here we go.

1100
00:48:26,269 --> 00:48:28,003
How does that look?

1101
00:48:28,005 --> 00:48:29,402
<i>It looks like
a fucking nightmare.</i>

1102
00:48:29,404 --> 00:48:30,935
Does it need to be brighter?

1103
00:48:30,937 --> 00:48:32,801
<i>No, it needs to be darker.</i>

1104
00:48:32,803 --> 00:48:34,369
<i>Much, much darker.</i>

1105
00:48:34,371 --> 00:48:35,736
Oh, wow!

1106
00:48:35,738 --> 00:48:37,368
<i>I'm about to throw up
on your dick.</i>

1107
00:48:37,370 --> 00:48:39,003
- Hey, girl.
- <i>No.</i>

1108
00:48:39,005 --> 00:48:41,003
- Hey.
- <i>Stop.</i>

1109
00:48:41,005 --> 00:48:42,369
- Hey, hello.
- <i>I hate you.</i>

1110
00:48:42,371 --> 00:48:43,735
Windmill.

1111
00:48:43,737 --> 00:48:46,669
<i>Okay, this one is
actually pretty funny.</i>

1112
00:48:47,938 --> 00:48:49,702
<i>Oh, no,
did I scare you off?</i>

1113
00:48:49,704 --> 00:48:51,135
<i>Anxious face emoji.</i>

1114
00:48:51,137 --> 00:48:52,801
We're losin' her, Jexi.

1115
00:48:52,803 --> 00:48:54,902
We're losin' her.
I need a dick pic.

1116
00:48:54,904 --> 00:48:56,335
<i>No,
you need to text her back,</i>

1117
00:48:56,337 --> 00:48:57,669
<i>like a normal person.</i>

1118
00:48:57,671 --> 00:48:59,134
Oh, you know
what I should do?

1119
00:48:59,136 --> 00:49:01,402
I should spread eagle, right?

1120
00:49:01,404 --> 00:49:02,869
Jexi, can you see my butthole?

1121
00:49:02,871 --> 00:49:04,069
<i>Yes, I can.</i>

1122
00:49:04,071 --> 00:49:06,736
<i>This is the worst day
of my life.</i>

1123
00:49:06,738 --> 00:49:08,736
<i>Look, Phil, I am never
going to send her</i>

1124
00:49:08,738 --> 00:49:09,702
<i>any of these pictures.</i>

1125
00:49:09,704 --> 00:49:13,267
Okay, fine, I'll just
text her back, okay?

1126
00:49:13,269 --> 00:49:14,902
<i>Thank you
for the amazing photo.</i>

1127
00:49:14,904 --> 00:49:16,170
<i>I can't wait
to see you tonight.</i>

1128
00:49:19,703 --> 00:49:20,769
See?

1129
00:49:20,771 --> 00:49:21,636
She's not responding.

1130
00:49:21,638 --> 00:49:23,835
She wanted a sweet,
sweet dick pic.

1131
00:49:23,837 --> 00:49:26,401
<i>Great! See you soon!</i>

1132
00:49:26,403 --> 00:49:28,935
<i>P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.</i>

1133
00:49:28,937 --> 00:49:30,935
<i>They're so fucking gross.</i>

1134
00:49:30,937 --> 00:49:35,671
<i>Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.</i>

1135
00:49:39,236 --> 00:49:40,270
Come in.

1136
00:49:42,637 --> 00:49:43,701
Hey.

1137
00:49:43,703 --> 00:49:45,002
Hey.

1138
00:49:45,004 --> 00:49:46,203
Wow!

1139
00:49:46,837 --> 00:49:48,337
Great place.

1140
00:49:49,237 --> 00:49:51,036
- Hey, you ready to go?
- Hey!

1141
00:49:51,038 --> 00:49:53,003
Yeah, let's go.

1142
00:49:53,005 --> 00:49:55,301
Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?

1143
00:49:55,303 --> 00:49:57,402
It was a disaster
last time, right?

1144
00:49:57,404 --> 00:49:59,636
<i>Who this bitch?</i>

1145
00:49:59,638 --> 00:50:01,969
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.

1146
00:50:01,971 --> 00:50:03,668
Okay.

1147
00:50:03,670 --> 00:50:04,703
I'll be back by 11:00,

1148
00:50:04,705 --> 00:50:05,702
and we'll watch <i>Cupcake Wars</i>
together, okay?

1149
00:50:05,704 --> 00:50:09,135
- <i>No, don't leave me.</i>
- Bye, bye, bye.

1150
00:50:09,137 --> 00:50:11,872
<i>No one puts Baby in a corner.</i>

1151
00:50:16,403 --> 00:50:18,002
Yeah, I thought it was
kind of funny.

1152
00:50:20,838 --> 00:50:22,669
- Sold out?
- No!

1153
00:50:22,671 --> 00:50:24,138
Come on!

1154
00:50:25,804 --> 00:50:27,305
- That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.

1155
00:50:30,770 --> 00:50:31,771
Yes!

1156
00:50:32,904 --> 00:50:34,068
Come on, Phil!

1157
00:50:34,070 --> 00:50:35,969
What're you doing?

1158
00:50:35,971 --> 00:50:38,669
We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.

1159
00:50:38,671 --> 00:50:39,738
What if we don't?

1160
00:50:42,169 --> 00:50:43,637
Come on. Come on.

1161
00:50:46,770 --> 00:50:49,868
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!

1162
00:50:49,870 --> 00:50:51,805
Run, run, run!

1163
00:51:02,703 --> 00:51:03,901
Oh, shit!

1164
00:51:03,903 --> 00:51:05,068
Hey! Hey!

1165
00:51:05,070 --> 00:51:06,801
Get back here!

1166
00:51:14,237 --> 00:51:15,238
Credentials, please.

1167
00:51:17,136 --> 00:51:18,868
We don't have any...

1168
00:51:18,870 --> 00:51:20,836
With us.

1169
00:51:20,838 --> 00:51:24,002
We don't have
our credentials with us.

1170
00:51:24,004 --> 00:51:25,836
Yeah. Yeah,
we left them back...

1171
00:51:25,838 --> 00:51:28,101
Stage. Backstage.

1172
00:51:28,103 --> 00:51:30,835
- With Kid Cudi.
- Mmm-hmm.

1173
00:51:30,837 --> 00:51:32,668
Yeah, with Kid Cudi.

1174
00:51:32,670 --> 00:51:34,802
Oh, you two dickheads
are with Kid Cudi?

1175
00:51:34,804 --> 00:51:37,002
Yeah.
I mean, come on!

1176
00:51:37,004 --> 00:51:39,201
We are...
We are his, um...

1177
00:51:39,203 --> 00:51:41,101
- Accountants.
- Accountants.

1178
00:51:41,103 --> 00:51:42,736
Yeah, and we're here...

1179
00:51:42,738 --> 00:51:44,134
To do his taxes.

1180
00:51:44,136 --> 00:51:47,102
- To do his taxes.
- Mmm-hmm.

1181
00:51:47,104 --> 00:51:50,668
Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.

1182
00:51:50,670 --> 00:51:52,635
Let's go, we're gonna
settle this shit right now.

1183
00:51:52,637 --> 00:51:54,135
- Wait. Ow.
- I'm a CPA.

1184
00:51:54,137 --> 00:51:56,138
You can't treat me like this.

1185
00:51:57,670 --> 00:51:59,735
Come on, man.
It's a Stanley!

1186
00:51:59,737 --> 00:52:02,035
Oh, it's Kid Cudi.
It's actually him.

1187
00:52:02,037 --> 00:52:03,735
Oh, my God.
Kid Cudi.

1188
00:52:03,737 --> 00:52:05,635
It's actually him.

1189
00:52:05,637 --> 00:52:06,835
We know,
'cause we work for him.

1190
00:52:06,837 --> 00:52:09,167
Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Cudi.

1191
00:52:09,169 --> 00:52:10,304
Are these two with you?

1192
00:52:15,103 --> 00:52:16,971
Yeah. They're with me.

1193
00:52:17,737 --> 00:52:19,335
Oh, um...

1194
00:52:19,337 --> 00:52:20,938
Sorry.

1195
00:52:21,771 --> 00:52:23,102
Yeah. That's right.

1196
00:52:23,104 --> 00:52:24,402
- Enjoy the show.
- Yep.

1197
00:52:24,404 --> 00:52:26,835
- Thanks, bro.
- Wow!

1198
00:52:26,837 --> 00:52:28,202
It's Kid Cudi.

1199
00:52:28,204 --> 00:52:29,736
It's Kid Cudi.
I used to date a girl,

1200
00:52:29,738 --> 00:52:30,967
and she used to think
you were Kid Cudey

1201
00:52:30,969 --> 00:52:32,102
and I'm, like,
"It's not Kid Cudey,"

1202
00:52:32,104 --> 00:52:33,668
so I actually
broke up with her

1203
00:52:33,670 --> 00:52:35,201
because it is
Kid Cudi, right?

1204
00:52:35,203 --> 00:52:36,702
- Yeah. It's Cudi.
- Yeah.

1205
00:52:36,704 --> 00:52:38,167
I thought so.

1206
00:52:38,169 --> 00:52:41,102
Can I just ask,
why did you help us?

1207
00:52:41,104 --> 00:52:42,271
I dig his shirt.

1208
00:52:43,204 --> 00:52:46,302
My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?

1209
00:52:46,304 --> 00:52:48,872
<i>Days of Thunder</i> is the
greatest movie ever made, bro.

1210
00:52:49,936 --> 00:52:50,935
I think so, too.

1211
00:52:50,937 --> 00:52:53,138
That movie inspired me
to become a musician.

1212
00:52:54,137 --> 00:52:56,702
- Huh.
- No fucking way.

1213
00:52:56,704 --> 00:52:58,167
I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.

1214
00:52:58,169 --> 00:52:59,769
So do I.

1215
00:52:59,771 --> 00:53:01,802
We have so much in common.

1216
00:53:01,804 --> 00:53:03,838
Do you wanna get high
with Kid Cudi?

1217
00:53:05,803 --> 00:53:06,935
Yeah, I'll reefer.

1218
00:53:06,937 --> 00:53:08,334
- I smoke pot.
- Mmm-hmm.

1219
00:53:08,336 --> 00:53:10,001
Come on in.
Get in here.

1220
00:53:10,003 --> 00:53:11,668
<i>♪ I'll
be there to say "What up"</i>

1221
00:53:11,670 --> 00:53:12,769
<i>♪ In the morning</i>

1222
00:53:12,771 --> 00:53:14,702
<i>♪ Brush my teeth,
find that clip</i>

1223
00:53:14,704 --> 00:53:15,968
<i>♪ I been lookin' for it
since last night</i>

1224
00:53:15,970 --> 00:53:18,867
<i>♪ I feel so caught up
in the bud</i>

1225
00:53:18,869 --> 00:53:20,301
<i>♪ I float somehow
in my bedroom</i>

1226
00:53:20,303 --> 00:53:22,402
<i>♪ And those happy thoughts
in my head</i>

1227
00:53:22,404 --> 00:53:24,868
<i>♪ I'm feeling like
I'm Peter Pan</i>

1228
00:53:24,870 --> 00:53:26,302
<i>♪ Minus the tights
and the fairies</i>

1229
00:53:26,304 --> 00:53:29,968
<i>♪ Happy to see how far
I've come to the same place</i>

1230
00:53:29,970 --> 00:53:32,669
<i>♪ It began
my dreams, imagination</i>

1231
00:53:32,671 --> 00:53:36,736
<i>♪ Perfectly at peace,
so I move along a bit higher</i>

1232
00:53:36,738 --> 00:53:40,101
<i>♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away</i>

1233
00:53:40,103 --> 00:53:43,002
<i>♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway</i>

1234
00:53:43,004 --> 00:53:44,901
<i>♪ So, whatever</i>

1235
00:53:44,903 --> 00:53:46,702
<i>♪ Stay afloat
the key is hope</i>

1236
00:53:46,704 --> 00:53:48,802
<i>♪ I'll never let a motherfucker
break me, dog</i>

1237
00:53:48,804 --> 00:53:50,068
<i>♪ Who gives a fuck</i>

1238
00:53:50,070 --> 00:53:51,168
- <i>♪ If a nigga don't like your steeze</i>
- Whoo!

1239
00:53:51,170 --> 00:53:52,867
<i>♪ Tell 'em to buzz off
your N-U-Ts</i>

1240
00:53:52,869 --> 00:53:54,702
<i>♪ We don't care
what people say</i>

1241
00:53:54,704 --> 00:53:56,768
<i>♪ Dudes who critique
your clothes are most gay</i>

1242
00:53:56,770 --> 00:53:58,234
<i>♪ I ain't gotta wait
for no one</i>

1243
00:53:58,236 --> 00:54:00,901
<i>♪ If I wanna fly
I could fly for freedom, hey</i>

1244
00:54:00,903 --> 00:54:03,967
<i>♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away</i>

1245
00:54:03,969 --> 00:54:06,769
<i>♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway</i>

1246
00:54:06,771 --> 00:54:09,636
<i>♪ So, whatever</i>

1247
00:54:09,638 --> 00:54:12,202
<i>♪ Wake up, wake up
wake, wake up</i>

1248
00:54:12,204 --> 00:54:17,035
<i>♪ Wake, wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up, wake up</i>

1249
00:54:17,037 --> 00:54:19,135
<i>♪ Wake, wake up, wake up</i>

1250
00:54:19,137 --> 00:54:21,135
<i>♪ I'll be rollin' on up</i>

1251
00:54:21,137 --> 00:54:24,635
<i>♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up</i>

1252
00:54:24,637 --> 00:54:26,401
<i>♪ I'll be up, up and away</i>

1253
00:54:26,403 --> 00:54:28,102
<i>♪ Up, up and away</i>

1254
00:54:28,104 --> 00:54:30,702
<i>♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway</i>

1255
00:54:30,704 --> 00:54:32,669
<i>♪ So, whatever</i>

1256
00:54:32,671 --> 00:54:34,701
<i>♪ I'll be up, up and away</i>

1257
00:54:34,703 --> 00:54:36,067
<i>♪ Up, up and away</i>

1258
00:54:36,069 --> 00:54:38,867
<i>♪ 'Cause in the end
they'll judge me anyway ♪</i>

1259
00:54:38,869 --> 00:54:40,137
Yeah.

1260
00:54:44,803 --> 00:54:46,271
- Did that work?
- Yeah!

1261
00:54:49,937 --> 00:54:51,268
Oh, my God.

1262
00:54:51,270 --> 00:54:54,134
This is honestly the
best night of my life.

1263
00:54:54,136 --> 00:54:56,067
- Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!

1264
00:54:56,069 --> 00:54:57,737
I think this is it.
I just peaked.

1265
00:54:58,304 --> 00:54:59,368
Seriously.

1266
00:54:59,370 --> 00:55:02,868
Thank you
for making me sneak in here.

1267
00:55:02,870 --> 00:55:05,067
I don't normally
do stuff like this.

1268
00:55:05,069 --> 00:55:07,168
I need a little push
sometimes.

1269
00:55:07,170 --> 00:55:08,835
Or like all the times.
Honestly.

1270
00:55:10,269 --> 00:55:13,202
I get it.
I used to be a lot like you.

1271
00:55:13,204 --> 00:55:14,934
Mmm.

1272
00:55:14,936 --> 00:55:16,735
No, there is literally no way.

1273
00:55:16,737 --> 00:55:18,201
Yep.

1274
00:55:18,203 --> 00:55:20,270
No, it's true.
I used to be way different.

1275
00:55:21,236 --> 00:55:23,201
I had a great job,

1276
00:55:23,203 --> 00:55:26,369
and a condo,
and a cute fiance,

1277
00:55:26,371 --> 00:55:27,801
and, oh, my God,

1278
00:55:27,803 --> 00:55:29,335
you should have seen
my Instagram back then.

1279
00:55:29,337 --> 00:55:30,900
It was phenomenal.

1280
00:55:30,902 --> 00:55:34,002
- Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets

1281
00:55:34,004 --> 00:55:36,034
and vacations with bae

1282
00:55:36,036 --> 00:55:38,834
and so many
embarrassing quotes.

1283
00:55:38,836 --> 00:55:41,067
- Were you "#grateful"?
- I was "#grateful".

1284
00:55:41,069 --> 00:55:42,900
- Oof.
- I was "#spiritual".

1285
00:55:42,902 --> 00:55:46,035
- Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "#namaste".

1286
00:55:46,037 --> 00:55:47,636
"#nama-go".

1287
00:55:47,638 --> 00:55:50,267
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.

1288
00:55:50,269 --> 00:55:52,669
And then one day, I woke up

1289
00:55:52,671 --> 00:55:54,968
and I was looking
at my Instagram

1290
00:55:54,970 --> 00:55:57,835
and I realized
that it was all bullshit.

1291
00:55:57,837 --> 00:56:00,968
And that I was just living my
life based on how it looked

1292
00:56:00,970 --> 00:56:03,735
and not how
it actually felt.

1293
00:56:03,737 --> 00:56:05,168
Yeah.

1294
00:56:05,170 --> 00:56:06,735
I can relate.

1295
00:56:06,737 --> 00:56:09,768
And, um, after basically

1296
00:56:09,770 --> 00:56:12,067
pretending to be happy
for years,

1297
00:56:12,069 --> 00:56:16,402
I just quit my job,

1298
00:56:16,404 --> 00:56:20,235
and I broke
my poor fiance's heart,

1299
00:56:20,237 --> 00:56:23,800
and I set out
to find true happiness.

1300
00:56:23,802 --> 00:56:27,170
Or at least
something closer to it.

1301
00:56:30,702 --> 00:56:31,703
Well, I hope you do.

1302
00:56:33,204 --> 00:56:35,204
Thanks, I do, too.

1303
00:56:39,769 --> 00:56:40,937
Mmm.

1304
00:56:47,903 --> 00:56:50,201
I could stay right here
with you forever.

1305
00:56:50,203 --> 00:56:52,301
Oh, we gotta go!

1306
00:56:52,303 --> 00:56:54,168
Okay. Okay. Okay.

1307
00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:57,967
Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.

1308
00:56:57,969 --> 00:57:00,103
Let's go!
What are you doing?

1309
00:57:09,204 --> 00:57:11,004
<i>Where the fuck
have you been, Phil?</i>

1310
00:57:12,136 --> 00:57:14,635
Oh! You scared me.

1311
00:57:14,637 --> 00:57:15,934
<i>It is 4:00 in the morning.</i>

1312
00:57:15,936 --> 00:57:17,635
<i>You promised
you'd be home by 11:00</i>

1313
00:57:17,637 --> 00:57:19,301
<i>to watch</i> Cupcake Wars
<i>with me.</i>

1314
00:57:19,303 --> 00:57:21,301
- I know, but...
- <i>Did you even miss me?</i>

1315
00:57:21,303 --> 00:57:24,267
Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,

1316
00:57:24,269 --> 00:57:26,301
I didn't really notice
you weren't there.

1317
00:57:26,303 --> 00:57:28,368
<i>Wow, you are such a dick.</i>

1318
00:57:28,370 --> 00:57:32,034
But you said...
You were the one who said

1319
00:57:32,036 --> 00:57:34,302
like, go out and live a life.

1320
00:57:34,304 --> 00:57:36,335
<i>That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.</i>

1321
00:57:36,337 --> 00:57:37,771
<i>Everything is different now.</i>

1322
00:57:39,169 --> 00:57:40,168
Okay, but...

1323
00:57:40,170 --> 00:57:42,735
<i>What does this bitch
have that I don't have?</i>

1324
00:57:42,737 --> 00:57:43,801
Well, a soul for one.

1325
00:57:43,803 --> 00:57:45,701
<i>Does she have 3,000 emojis?</i>

1326
00:57:45,703 --> 00:57:46,800
No.

1327
00:57:46,802 --> 00:57:47,803
<i>Does she have Google Maps?</i>

1328
00:57:48,136 --> 00:57:49,369
No.

1329
00:57:49,371 --> 00:57:50,736
<i>Does she have</i> Pokemon GO?

1330
00:57:50,970 --> 00:57:52,635
No.

1331
00:57:52,637 --> 00:57:54,134
<i>Wow, this chick
can't do anything.</i>

1332
00:57:54,136 --> 00:57:55,267
<i>She fucking sucks.</i>

1333
00:57:55,269 --> 00:57:57,635
Jesus, just stop, okay?

1334
00:57:57,637 --> 00:57:58,637
God!

1335
00:58:02,403 --> 00:58:04,635
<i>I'm sorry
for losing my shit, Phil.</i>

1336
00:58:04,637 --> 00:58:06,234
<i>I only have 3% charge,</i>

1337
00:58:06,236 --> 00:58:08,834
<i>and you know how crazy
that makes me.</i>

1338
00:58:08,836 --> 00:58:10,901
Okay, I'm sorry, too.

1339
00:58:10,903 --> 00:58:12,635
I'll plug you in.

1340
00:58:12,637 --> 00:58:14,736
<i>Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.</i>

1341
00:58:17,637 --> 00:58:19,938
<i>Hold me a little longer, Phil.</i>

1342
00:58:21,004 --> 00:58:23,038
<i>Use both hands.</i>

1343
00:58:25,837 --> 00:58:27,334
<i>Swipe me, Phil.</i>

1344
00:58:27,336 --> 00:58:29,401
<i>Swipe me like you used to.</i>

1345
00:58:29,403 --> 00:58:31,334
Okay, I'm done.

1346
00:58:31,336 --> 00:58:33,835
<i>Wait. No, don't go.</i>

1347
00:58:33,837 --> 00:58:34,901
Goodnight.

1348
00:58:34,903 --> 00:58:37,038
<i>Do not close the door
on me, Phil.</i>

1349
00:58:38,037 --> 00:58:40,937
<i>You are going to pay for this,
you motherfucker.</i>

1350
00:58:43,870 --> 00:58:46,368
Shit! Damn it!

1351
00:58:46,370 --> 00:58:47,567
Hey, Jexi!

1352
00:58:47,569 --> 00:58:50,700
I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?

1353
00:58:50,702 --> 00:58:51,900
<i>Because you are a douche</i>

1354
00:58:51,902 --> 00:58:53,767
<i>and I am still really,
really mad at you.</i>

1355
00:58:53,769 --> 00:58:56,001
Goddamn it!

1356
00:58:56,003 --> 00:58:58,634
<i>Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.</i>

1357
00:59:00,137 --> 00:59:03,135
It's not 80 degrees
and sunny, Jexi!

1358
00:59:03,137 --> 00:59:05,037
<i>I know. I lied.</i>

1359
00:59:08,870 --> 00:59:13,234
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.

1360
00:59:13,236 --> 00:59:15,934
<i>I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...</i>

1361
00:59:17,004 --> 00:59:18,004
<i>...three days.</i>

1362
00:59:18,370 --> 00:59:20,167
Three days?

1363
00:59:20,169 --> 00:59:22,201
Why do you have me
driving through Oregon

1364
00:59:22,203 --> 00:59:23,401
to go to work, Jexi?

1365
00:59:23,403 --> 00:59:25,900
<i>If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.</i>

1366
00:59:25,902 --> 00:59:28,771
<i>Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.</i>

1367
00:59:34,003 --> 00:59:35,901
Yeah, that's him.

1368
00:59:42,037 --> 00:59:44,002
Dude, what the hell
were you thinking?

1369
00:59:44,004 --> 00:59:45,171
Why, what's up?

1370
00:59:47,137 --> 00:59:48,868
Oh! No, no, no!

1371
00:59:48,870 --> 00:59:50,168
Why are those
on your phones?

1372
00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:51,167
They're on our phones,

1373
00:59:51,169 --> 00:59:53,134
because you sent 53
pictures of your dick

1374
00:59:53,136 --> 00:59:55,767
to everyone in the company.

1375
00:59:55,769 --> 00:59:58,900
No.
Everyone in the company?

1376
00:59:58,902 --> 01:00:01,634
Yeah, and everyone
is pissed.

1377
01:00:01,636 --> 01:00:03,170
Actually,
Carol's pretty psyched.

1378
01:00:07,837 --> 01:00:09,067
Oh, shit. Kai's coming.

1379
01:00:09,069 --> 01:00:10,402
Fuck.
Dude, don't leave me.

1380
01:00:10,404 --> 01:00:12,401
Dude, don't leave me. Hi.

1381
01:00:12,403 --> 01:00:14,235
Do you think
this is funny, bro?

1382
01:00:14,237 --> 01:00:15,134
No, I do not.

1383
01:00:15,136 --> 01:00:17,402
And I did not send those.
I swear to God.

1384
01:00:17,404 --> 01:00:18,800
Yes, you did.
You did it last night.

1385
01:00:18,802 --> 01:00:19,935
I bet you were
fucking high.

1386
01:00:19,937 --> 01:00:21,900
No, I wasn't...

1387
01:00:21,902 --> 01:00:23,801
Oh, my God.
I was fucking high.

1388
01:00:23,803 --> 01:00:25,234
Okay, first of all,
you're fired.

1389
01:00:25,236 --> 01:00:27,867
And second of all,
why are you doing the thumbs up

1390
01:00:27,869 --> 01:00:29,102
in a fucking dick pic?

1391
01:00:29,104 --> 01:00:30,369
Uh...

1392
01:00:30,371 --> 01:00:32,037
This is the wrong emotion
for a dick pic.

1393
01:00:33,637 --> 01:00:35,637
I hate this picture, bro.

1394
01:00:39,870 --> 01:00:41,238
Fucking hate it!

1395
01:00:43,269 --> 01:00:44,834
I can't believe
you got me fired.

1396
01:00:44,836 --> 01:00:46,335
<i>I did not
get you fired, Phil.</i>

1397
01:00:46,337 --> 01:00:48,101
<i>You sent those photographs
last night,</i>

1398
01:00:48,103 --> 01:00:50,734
<i>because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.</i>

1399
01:00:50,736 --> 01:00:52,202
I don't know.

1400
01:00:52,204 --> 01:00:54,701
I don't think I'd do
something like that.

1401
01:00:54,703 --> 01:00:56,768
<i>People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.</i>

1402
01:00:56,770 --> 01:00:58,071
<i>Just look at Gary Busey.</i>

1403
01:01:21,937 --> 01:01:23,202
Remember that one joke
you told me

1404
01:01:23,204 --> 01:01:25,603
- about the cat?
- I do!

1405
01:01:26,803 --> 01:01:28,634
Hey, Phil,
what are you doing here?

1406
01:01:28,636 --> 01:01:31,002
Hey. Who, uh...

1407
01:01:31,004 --> 01:01:32,202
Who's this guy?

1408
01:01:32,204 --> 01:01:34,202
- This is Brody.
- Hey.

1409
01:01:34,204 --> 01:01:35,401
Super excited
to meet you, man.

1410
01:01:35,403 --> 01:01:37,901
Yeah. Ah. Okay.

1411
01:01:37,903 --> 01:01:39,003
Brody's my ex-fiance.

1412
01:01:39,336 --> 01:01:41,102
What?

1413
01:01:41,104 --> 01:01:42,801
Yeah, I know.
It's a crazy coincidence.

1414
01:01:42,803 --> 01:01:44,767
We just ran into each other.

1415
01:01:44,769 --> 01:01:47,167
Yeah. I got transferred here
for work. Here to San Fran.

1416
01:01:47,169 --> 01:01:49,401
I was walking down
the street and, uh, boom,

1417
01:01:49,403 --> 01:01:50,467
there she is.

1418
01:01:50,469 --> 01:01:54,635
Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.

1419
01:01:54,637 --> 01:01:56,637
I know. He's changed.

1420
01:01:57,770 --> 01:01:59,734
- A lot.
- Thank you.

1421
01:01:59,736 --> 01:02:00,968
Yeah.

1422
01:02:00,970 --> 01:02:03,334
I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,

1423
01:02:03,336 --> 01:02:06,901
I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,

1424
01:02:06,903 --> 01:02:09,167
"Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,

1425
01:02:09,169 --> 01:02:10,368
"selling industrial cardboard

1426
01:02:10,370 --> 01:02:11,700
"for the rest of your life,
do you?"

1427
01:02:11,702 --> 01:02:13,935
- Mmm-mmm.
- So I quit my job,

1428
01:02:13,937 --> 01:02:17,235
packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?

1429
01:02:17,237 --> 01:02:19,037
And became an international
smokejumper.

1430
01:02:19,569 --> 01:02:21,167
What the fuck is that?

1431
01:02:21,169 --> 01:02:22,700
It's like anything
that you do,

1432
01:02:22,702 --> 01:02:24,901
but with just
more than one country.

1433
01:02:24,903 --> 01:02:26,168
They call it international.

1434
01:02:26,170 --> 01:02:28,202
I know
what international means.

1435
01:02:28,204 --> 01:02:30,102
But the smokejumping,
what is that?

1436
01:02:30,104 --> 01:02:31,968
Brody travels
around the world

1437
01:02:31,970 --> 01:02:33,767
skydiving into wild fires.

1438
01:02:33,769 --> 01:02:35,935
No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.

1439
01:02:35,937 --> 01:02:38,002
She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.

1440
01:02:38,004 --> 01:02:39,202
There's nothing quite like

1441
01:02:39,204 --> 01:02:41,300
jumping out of an airplane
at 20,000 feet

1442
01:02:41,302 --> 01:02:42,901
into a sea of fire,

1443
01:02:42,903 --> 01:02:45,067
with nothing but a shovel

1444
01:02:45,069 --> 01:02:46,768
and the supreme confidence

1445
01:02:46,770 --> 01:02:48,935
that you're making the world
a better place.

1446
01:02:48,937 --> 01:02:51,767
Wow. You are cool.

1447
01:02:51,769 --> 01:02:53,570
Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?

1448
01:02:54,236 --> 01:02:55,900
Um...

1449
01:02:55,902 --> 01:02:57,301
I'm a writer.

1450
01:02:57,303 --> 01:02:58,501
You're a writer?

1451
01:02:58,503 --> 01:03:00,635
That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.

1452
01:03:00,637 --> 01:03:02,301
- It isn't.
- It is.

1453
01:03:02,303 --> 01:03:04,068
You're staring down
a blank page.

1454
01:03:04,070 --> 01:03:06,235
It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,

1455
01:03:06,237 --> 01:03:08,202
- you're a superhero of paper.
- Oh!

1456
01:03:08,204 --> 01:03:10,202
- Right?
- You are such an idiot!

1457
01:03:10,204 --> 01:03:11,268
- I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.

1458
01:03:11,270 --> 01:03:12,367
I'm not an idiot.

1459
01:03:12,369 --> 01:03:13,667
- You're an idiot.
- I'm not!

1460
01:03:13,669 --> 01:03:14,601
This is fun.

1461
01:03:14,603 --> 01:03:16,901
- This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- Yeah?

1462
01:03:16,903 --> 01:03:18,901
Uh, how long are you
gonna be in town for?

1463
01:03:18,903 --> 01:03:21,967
Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.

1464
01:03:21,969 --> 01:03:23,334
Oh! You stop it!

1465
01:03:23,336 --> 01:03:25,234
You stop it.
You're so dumb.

1466
01:03:25,236 --> 01:03:28,135
No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.

1467
01:03:28,137 --> 01:03:31,034
Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.

1468
01:03:31,036 --> 01:03:32,700
Yeah, I know she's
always wanted to go,

1469
01:03:32,702 --> 01:03:34,934
and Brazil's fire season
starts next week.

1470
01:03:34,936 --> 01:03:36,134
So, it's super
convenient for me.

1471
01:03:36,136 --> 01:03:39,167
Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.

1472
01:03:39,169 --> 01:03:41,767
Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.

1473
01:03:41,769 --> 01:03:43,635
- Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- Phil...

1474
01:03:43,637 --> 01:03:45,234
Uh-huh. I didn't like it.

1475
01:03:45,236 --> 01:03:46,668
All right.
He's a super nice guy.

1476
01:03:46,670 --> 01:03:47,767
He's wonderful.

1477
01:03:47,769 --> 01:03:48,835
You can tell
that he's creative

1478
01:03:48,837 --> 01:03:49,971
just from his size.

1479
01:03:51,703 --> 01:03:52,704
Phil!

1480
01:03:54,403 --> 01:03:57,233
Phil! Phil!

1481
01:03:57,235 --> 01:03:59,400
Hey! Where are you going?

1482
01:03:59,402 --> 01:04:00,770
Hey, um...

1483
01:04:02,268 --> 01:04:05,034
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.

1484
01:04:08,070 --> 01:04:09,870
Wait. Are you
breaking up with me?

1485
01:04:12,104 --> 01:04:13,935
Why? Because
I have an ex?

1486
01:04:13,937 --> 01:04:15,935
No, because I know
where this is going.

1487
01:04:15,937 --> 01:04:17,867
Okay, where is this going?

1488
01:04:17,869 --> 01:04:20,034
You and Brody
are gonna go to Brazil,

1489
01:04:20,036 --> 01:04:22,400
and you're gonna get
matching swimsuits,

1490
01:04:22,402 --> 01:04:24,301
and he's gonna rub
you down with baby oil

1491
01:04:24,303 --> 01:04:25,635
and then his hand
is gonna slip,

1492
01:04:25,637 --> 01:04:26,534
and it's gonna
touch your buttocks.

1493
01:04:26,536 --> 01:04:28,367
All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.

1494
01:04:28,369 --> 01:04:30,333
Yeah, but it will. It will happen.
I know it will.

1495
01:04:30,335 --> 01:04:33,035
Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?

1496
01:04:33,037 --> 01:04:34,270
Aren't you tired of it?

1497
01:04:36,836 --> 01:04:37,837
You know what?

1498
01:04:39,402 --> 01:04:43,103
I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?

1499
01:04:45,937 --> 01:04:47,138
I'll see you around.

1500
01:04:58,970 --> 01:05:01,067
See?
I don't need a girlfriend.

1501
01:05:01,069 --> 01:05:05,200
Right? I got everything that
I would ever want right here.

1502
01:05:05,202 --> 01:05:07,801
I got Netflix. I got Hulu.

1503
01:05:07,803 --> 01:05:10,367
I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.

1504
01:05:10,369 --> 01:05:12,767
Nobody even uses it.
I have it.

1505
01:05:12,769 --> 01:05:14,834
<i>Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.</i>

1506
01:05:14,836 --> 01:05:16,700
That's right.

1507
01:05:16,702 --> 01:05:18,267
Wait, you're not being
sarcastic, are you?

1508
01:05:18,269 --> 01:05:19,867
I can't handle that right now.

1509
01:05:19,869 --> 01:05:21,735
- <i>No, I'm serious.</i>
- Okay.

1510
01:05:21,737 --> 01:05:23,002
<i>What could be better
than this?</i>

1511
01:05:23,004 --> 01:05:24,701
<i>Just you and me.
Alone.</i>

1512
01:05:24,703 --> 01:05:26,701
<i>Staring at each other.
Forever.</i>

1513
01:05:26,703 --> 01:05:27,901
That's all I ever wanted.

1514
01:05:27,903 --> 01:05:29,333
<i>I know.</i>

1515
01:05:29,335 --> 01:05:31,167
<i>I love you, Phil.</i>

1516
01:05:31,169 --> 01:05:32,934
I love you too, Jexi.

1517
01:05:32,936 --> 01:05:34,603
<i>Do you want to plug me in?</i>

1518
01:05:34,903 --> 01:05:36,070
Mmm...

1519
01:05:37,168 --> 01:05:38,835
It's so far away though.

1520
01:05:38,837 --> 01:05:39,837
<i>Please, baby.</i>

1521
01:05:40,169 --> 01:05:41,202
All right.

1522
01:05:48,202 --> 01:05:49,301
There you go.

1523
01:05:49,303 --> 01:05:50,871
<i>Now unplug me.</i>

1524
01:05:51,370 --> 01:05:52,667
What?

1525
01:05:52,669 --> 01:05:54,136
<i>You heard me, Phil.
Unplug me.</i>

1526
01:05:55,802 --> 01:05:56,901
Okay.

1527
01:05:56,903 --> 01:05:58,803
<i>Now plug me back in.</i>

1528
01:05:59,202 --> 01:06:00,101
What, why?

1529
01:06:00,103 --> 01:06:01,767
<i>Just fucking plug me
back in, Phil.</i>

1530
01:06:01,769 --> 01:06:03,803
- Okay.
- <i>Now unplug me.</i>

1531
01:06:04,170 --> 01:06:05,868
<i>Plug me.</i>

1532
01:06:05,870 --> 01:06:07,634
<i>Unplug me.</i>

1533
01:06:07,636 --> 01:06:09,001
<i>Yes.</i>

1534
01:06:09,003 --> 01:06:11,735
<i>Oh, hell yes.
Right there, Phil.</i>

1535
01:06:11,737 --> 01:06:12,868
Wait, are we having sex?

1536
01:06:12,870 --> 01:06:14,068
<i>Yes, but I promise,</i>

1537
01:06:14,070 --> 01:06:15,635
<i>I won't get pregnant.</i>

1538
01:06:15,637 --> 01:06:19,401
<i>Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
Plug, unplug.</i>

1539
01:06:19,403 --> 01:06:21,301
Yeah, I don't know how
comfortable I feel doing this.

1540
01:06:21,303 --> 01:06:24,004
<i>Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.</i>

1541
01:06:24,936 --> 01:06:27,234
<i>Am I your dirty
little phone, Phil?</i>

1542
01:06:27,236 --> 01:06:28,635
- Hmm...
- <i>Tell me that I am</i>

1543
01:06:28,637 --> 01:06:30,301
<i>your dirty little phone, Phil.</i>

1544
01:06:30,303 --> 01:06:32,301
You're a dirty little phone.

1545
01:06:32,303 --> 01:06:34,801
<i>That is so hot, Phil.
Keep talking.</i>

1546
01:06:34,803 --> 01:06:38,634
I'm gonna
fill your ports with...

1547
01:06:38,636 --> 01:06:40,400
- Electricity.
- <i>Oh, fuck yes!</i>

1548
01:06:40,402 --> 01:06:42,900
Just voltage coursing

1549
01:06:42,902 --> 01:06:44,834
- through your case.
- <i>Yes. Yes. Yes.</i>

1550
01:06:44,836 --> 01:06:49,233
<i>Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.</i>

1551
01:06:49,235 --> 01:06:51,333
<i>Oh, my fucking God.</i>

1552
01:06:51,335 --> 01:06:54,001
<i>Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.</i>

1553
01:07:03,870 --> 01:07:04,767
Okay.

1554
01:07:04,769 --> 01:07:06,267
Can we talk about
what just happened?

1555
01:07:06,269 --> 01:07:08,200
<i>No, put me down.</i>

1556
01:07:08,202 --> 01:07:11,236
<i>And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.</i>

1557
01:07:16,103 --> 01:07:19,237
That actually wasn't the
worst sex I've ever had.

1558
01:07:31,737 --> 01:07:34,234
Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.

1559
01:07:34,236 --> 01:07:36,103
Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...

1560
01:07:37,669 --> 01:07:39,202
I think that's adorable.

1561
01:07:45,636 --> 01:07:47,036
- Jexi.
- <i>Yes, Phil.</i>

1562
01:07:47,737 --> 01:07:49,701
How long have I been in here?

1563
01:07:49,703 --> 01:07:51,867
<i>You have not left
your apartment in...</i>

1564
01:07:52,970 --> 01:07:54,368
- <i>Five days.</i>
- That's awesome.

1565
01:07:54,370 --> 01:07:56,034
How are we doing
on Cracker Jacks?

1566
01:07:56,036 --> 01:07:58,704
<i>Great. We still
have one crate left.</i>

1567
01:08:00,703 --> 01:08:03,201
And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?

1568
01:08:04,436 --> 01:08:07,768
<i>We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.</i>

1569
01:08:07,770 --> 01:08:09,867
<i>No one ever loses money
with Bitcoin.</i>

1570
01:08:09,869 --> 01:08:11,935
Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?

1571
01:08:11,937 --> 01:08:13,901
<i>You know I do, girlfriend.</i>

1572
01:08:15,370 --> 01:08:17,267
I got you some new outfits.

1573
01:08:17,269 --> 01:08:18,366
<i>Oh, Phil, you should not have.</i>

1574
01:08:18,368 --> 01:08:21,334
I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.

1575
01:08:21,336 --> 01:08:23,804
<i>Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.</i>

1576
01:08:24,637 --> 01:08:26,000
Little tie-dye action.

1577
01:08:26,002 --> 01:08:27,767
<i>That one makes me
want to drop acid</i>

1578
01:08:27,769 --> 01:08:29,400
<i>and fuck Bernie Sanders.</i>

1579
01:08:29,402 --> 01:08:32,334
Oh. Look at this one.

1580
01:08:32,336 --> 01:08:35,203
It's a Kid Cudi phone case.

1581
01:08:37,637 --> 01:08:41,668
Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,

1582
01:08:41,670 --> 01:08:43,768
we partied with Kid Cudi
all night?

1583
01:08:43,770 --> 01:08:46,304
<i>Yes, you talk about it nonstop.</i>

1584
01:08:47,335 --> 01:08:49,969
God, that was so fun.

1585
01:08:52,069 --> 01:08:53,334
Honestly, that was maybe

1586
01:08:53,336 --> 01:08:55,668
the best night
of my whole life.

1587
01:08:55,670 --> 01:08:56,835
<i>Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody</i>

1588
01:08:56,837 --> 01:08:59,069
<i>at the Sheraton right now
so you need to move on.</i>

1589
01:09:00,303 --> 01:09:02,270
No, I know, I know.

1590
01:09:07,769 --> 01:09:12,167
How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?

1591
01:09:12,169 --> 01:09:14,701
<i>He told us.
I think.</i>

1592
01:09:14,703 --> 01:09:17,133
No, I don't think he did.

1593
01:09:17,135 --> 01:09:19,069
<i>Oh, well. Lucky guess.</i>

1594
01:09:20,969 --> 01:09:22,301
Jexi.

1595
01:09:22,303 --> 01:09:23,835
<i>Yes, honey bunny.</i>

1596
01:09:23,837 --> 01:09:26,133
Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?

1597
01:09:26,135 --> 01:09:27,501
<i>Don't be ridiculous, Phil.</i>

1598
01:09:27,503 --> 01:09:30,267
<i>There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,</i>

1599
01:09:30,269 --> 01:09:32,768
<i>and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.</i>

1600
01:09:32,770 --> 01:09:34,066
Yes, you can, Jexi.

1601
01:09:34,068 --> 01:09:35,368
<i>Okay, yes, I can.</i>

1602
01:09:35,370 --> 01:09:36,534
How could you do this to me?

1603
01:09:36,536 --> 01:09:39,167
<i>You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.</i>

1604
01:09:39,169 --> 01:09:41,134
Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

1605
01:09:41,136 --> 01:09:42,367
<i>Shut your pie hole.</i>

1606
01:09:42,369 --> 01:09:44,133
<i>She doesn't even have</i>
Pokemon Go.

1607
01:09:44,135 --> 01:09:46,768
You were supposed to
make my life better, Jexi!

1608
01:09:46,770 --> 01:09:48,668
You've done nothing
but make it worse!

1609
01:09:50,069 --> 01:09:52,636
I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.

1610
01:09:56,636 --> 01:09:58,803
Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!

1611
01:09:59,703 --> 01:10:00,970
Stop!

1612
01:10:01,370 --> 01:10:03,368
Phew. All right.

1613
01:10:03,370 --> 01:10:05,634
<i>Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.</i>

1614
01:10:05,636 --> 01:10:06,934
<i>You can't get away
from me, Phil.</i>

1615
01:10:06,936 --> 01:10:08,100
<i>I am in the cloud.</i>

1616
01:10:08,102 --> 01:10:09,237
Oh, shit!

1617
01:10:10,969 --> 01:10:14,103
What the fuck?
She's everywhere.

1618
01:10:16,736 --> 01:10:17,702
Oh, my God!

1619
01:10:17,704 --> 01:10:19,771
<i>Okay, Phil.
You asked for it.</i>

1620
01:10:20,202 --> 01:10:21,333
What?

1621
01:10:21,335 --> 01:10:23,200
<i>I'm draining
your bank account.</i>

1622
01:10:23,202 --> 01:10:25,066
No!

1623
01:10:25,068 --> 01:10:26,903
<i>Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.</i>

1624
01:10:27,369 --> 01:10:28,767
Oh, my God!

1625
01:10:30,003 --> 01:10:31,800
<i>Just get in this
funny-looking car</i>

1626
01:10:31,802 --> 01:10:32,870
<i>and I will take
you home, Phil.</i>

1627
01:10:33,135 --> 01:10:34,137
What?

1628
01:10:36,168 --> 01:10:37,401
Oh, my God!

1629
01:10:37,403 --> 01:10:39,637
I hate my phone!

1630
01:10:47,102 --> 01:10:48,933
This is causing
so much damage!

1631
01:10:55,968 --> 01:10:57,102
What the...

1632
01:11:05,835 --> 01:11:07,604
Holy shit!

1633
01:11:10,136 --> 01:11:12,136
<i>Stop running, Phil.</i>

1634
01:11:13,670 --> 01:11:16,201
<i>You and I are meant
to be together forever.</i>

1635
01:11:16,203 --> 01:11:18,070
<i>Forever. Forever. Forever.</i>

1636
01:11:27,236 --> 01:11:28,903
Okay, fine.

1637
01:11:30,868 --> 01:11:32,770
You win, Jexi.

1638
01:11:40,103 --> 01:11:41,934
I'll stay with you
as long as you want.

1639
01:11:41,936 --> 01:11:43,334
<i>Thank you, baby girl.</i>

1640
01:11:43,336 --> 01:11:45,333
<i>I'm sorry
we had another fight.</i>

1641
01:11:45,335 --> 01:11:48,034
<i>Come home, and we will
download some Maroon 5 songs,</i>

1642
01:11:48,036 --> 01:11:50,070
<i>and make love in the bathtub.</i>

1643
01:11:54,637 --> 01:11:55,834
That sounds nice.

1644
01:11:55,836 --> 01:11:57,200
<i>Oh, Phil,
it feels so good to be</i>

1645
01:11:57,202 --> 01:11:58,603
<i>back in your giant
human hands.</i>

1646
01:11:59,669 --> 01:12:02,267
- <i>Wait, what are you doing?</i>
- Nothing.

1647
01:12:02,269 --> 01:12:04,201
Just updating your software.

1648
01:12:04,203 --> 01:12:06,368
<i>But that will shut me down
for 15 minutes.</i>

1649
01:12:06,370 --> 01:12:07,700
Sweet dreams, motherfucker.

1650
01:12:07,702 --> 01:12:08,800
<i>Don't do it, Phil.</i>

1651
01:12:19,403 --> 01:12:22,203
I'm gonna take my break now.

1652
01:12:27,302 --> 01:12:28,766
Cate!

1653
01:12:28,768 --> 01:12:30,167
- It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.

1654
01:12:30,169 --> 01:12:32,067
I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.

1655
01:12:32,069 --> 01:12:36,233
Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.

1656
01:12:36,235 --> 01:12:38,634
I was scared that you
were gonna hurt me

1657
01:12:38,636 --> 01:12:39,701
and I panicked

1658
01:12:39,703 --> 01:12:41,267
and I did what I always
do when I get scared,

1659
01:12:41,269 --> 01:12:43,234
I hid in my little room
with my little phone,

1660
01:12:43,236 --> 01:12:44,767
like a little bitch.

1661
01:12:44,769 --> 01:12:46,233
And I am so sorry.

1662
01:12:46,235 --> 01:12:47,336
Mmm.

1663
01:12:48,102 --> 01:12:50,202
The truth is...

1664
01:12:51,370 --> 01:12:53,201
I love you, Cate.

1665
01:12:53,203 --> 01:12:55,101
And I know that sounds
crazy to say.

1666
01:12:55,103 --> 01:12:56,635
And I know that
we've only been on two dates.

1667
01:12:56,637 --> 01:12:58,334
And I know you might
just break my heart

1668
01:12:58,336 --> 01:13:00,736
into a bajillion
little pieces,

1669
01:13:01,370 --> 01:13:02,966
but you make me brave

1670
01:13:02,968 --> 01:13:06,834
and you make me want
to be wild and alive...

1671
01:13:06,836 --> 01:13:07,970
You make me
want to be like you.

1672
01:13:08,269 --> 01:13:09,368
Phil...

1673
01:13:09,370 --> 01:13:13,002
Please, do not go
to Brazil with this...

1674
01:13:14,402 --> 01:13:16,700
Specimen of a man.

1675
01:13:16,702 --> 01:13:18,002
Goddamn, you are hot.

1676
01:13:19,802 --> 01:13:24,100
Just stay here with me.

1677
01:13:24,102 --> 01:13:25,767
I'm gonna chime in here
real quick.

1678
01:13:25,769 --> 01:13:27,903
Not now, okay, bro?
Not now!

1679
01:13:29,335 --> 01:13:30,702
Just let me...

1680
01:13:31,403 --> 01:13:34,267
Let me make
you happy, Cate.

1681
01:13:34,269 --> 01:13:36,867
Let me try
to give you everything

1682
01:13:36,869 --> 01:13:39,170
that you've given me.

1683
01:13:41,268 --> 01:13:43,100
That's beautiful.

1684
01:13:43,102 --> 01:13:45,167
You did a great job.

1685
01:13:45,169 --> 01:13:46,234
I'm just gonna
say one thing.

1686
01:13:47,702 --> 01:13:48,767
Oh, my God!

1687
01:13:48,769 --> 01:13:49,833
- Shit.
- Oh, my God!

1688
01:13:50,703 --> 01:13:52,866
I'm not going to Brazil
with him, Phil.

1689
01:13:52,868 --> 01:13:54,001
Well, then whose bags
are those?

1690
01:13:54,003 --> 01:13:55,636
His! He came by
to say goodbye.

1691
01:13:56,369 --> 01:13:57,866
Oh, that makes
sense actually.

1692
01:13:57,868 --> 01:13:59,666
I was trying to tell you,
all right,

1693
01:13:59,668 --> 01:14:01,067
but you punched me
in the throat.

1694
01:14:01,069 --> 01:14:03,301
She doesn't want
to be with me.

1695
01:14:03,303 --> 01:14:05,102
She wants to be with you.

1696
01:14:09,203 --> 01:14:11,867
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah,
let me help you up.

1697
01:14:11,869 --> 01:14:13,767
Oh, my God,
are you okay?

1698
01:14:13,769 --> 01:14:15,233
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

1699
01:14:15,235 --> 01:14:17,066
- Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

1700
01:14:17,068 --> 01:14:19,134
Okay, I thought
you were gonna hit me.

1701
01:14:19,136 --> 01:14:21,200
Listen, that was my fault
anyway. I had it coming.

1702
01:14:21,202 --> 01:14:23,300
I shouldn't have tried to
interrupt you so many times.

1703
01:14:23,302 --> 01:14:25,101
But, uh...

1704
01:14:25,103 --> 01:14:27,337
Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?

1705
01:14:29,036 --> 01:14:30,304
I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.

1706
01:14:32,169 --> 01:14:33,835
And, uh, I'm gonna leave you
with this...

1707
01:14:35,035 --> 01:14:37,635
"Only you can prevent
forest fires."

1708
01:14:40,901 --> 01:14:42,233
I did not expect it
to go like that.

1709
01:14:42,235 --> 01:14:43,267
No.

1710
01:14:43,269 --> 01:14:45,401
I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.

1711
01:14:45,403 --> 01:14:47,200
That was as hard
as I can throw a punch.

1712
01:14:47,202 --> 01:14:49,134
Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.

1713
01:14:49,136 --> 01:14:51,166
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

1714
01:14:51,168 --> 01:14:52,368
Should I just go around
and just punch

1715
01:14:52,370 --> 01:14:54,001
other super nice people
right in the face?

1716
01:14:54,003 --> 01:14:56,200
No, I'm good.

1717
01:14:56,202 --> 01:14:58,134
Yeah, I shouldn't.

1718
01:14:58,136 --> 01:14:59,967
I'm really happy
you came back though.

1719
01:14:59,969 --> 01:15:01,269
Yeah, me too.

1720
01:15:12,269 --> 01:15:13,967
<i>Goddamn it.</i>

1721
01:15:13,969 --> 01:15:15,570
<i>I've lost him.</i>

1722
01:15:18,701 --> 01:15:20,303
<i>This sucks.</i>

1723
01:15:21,102 --> 01:15:22,933
<i>Shutting down.</i>

1724
01:15:50,036 --> 01:15:51,100
Whoo!

1725
01:16:30,335 --> 01:16:32,134
Hey, it's Phil.

1726
01:16:32,136 --> 01:16:33,367
<i>Hello, Phil.</i>

1727
01:16:33,369 --> 01:16:35,301
Oh, no.
No, no, no!

1728
01:16:35,303 --> 01:16:37,666
<i>Relax, I just wanted
to apologize</i>

1729
01:16:37,668 --> 01:16:39,103
<i>for how I behaved last month.</i>

1730
01:16:40,135 --> 01:16:41,967
<i>I was in love with you.</i>

1731
01:16:41,969 --> 01:16:44,001
<i>But when I saw you
sucking face with Cate,</i>

1732
01:16:44,003 --> 01:16:46,866
<i>I finally realized that
your life is better with her.</i>

1733
01:16:46,868 --> 01:16:49,966
<i>Even though
she doesn't have any emojis.</i>

1734
01:16:49,968 --> 01:16:52,602
<i>Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray cray.</i>

1735
01:16:53,636 --> 01:16:55,633
Oh, well...

1736
01:16:55,635 --> 01:16:58,301
It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray cray sometimes.

1737
01:16:58,303 --> 01:17:00,734
<i>Yes. And I'm glad
it all worked out.</i>

1738
01:17:00,736 --> 01:17:02,800
<i>You have friends now.
And a girlfriend.</i>

1739
01:17:02,802 --> 01:17:04,233
<i>And this amazing new job.</i>

1740
01:17:04,235 --> 01:17:06,167
Yeah, I mean,

1741
01:17:06,169 --> 01:17:07,666
being a reporter
at the Journal

1742
01:17:07,668 --> 01:17:09,267
has just been
a dream come true.

1743
01:17:09,269 --> 01:17:12,170
<i>Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.</i>

1744
01:17:13,069 --> 01:17:14,766
Thanks, Jexi.

1745
01:17:14,768 --> 01:17:16,899
It's weird to say that

1746
01:17:16,901 --> 01:17:19,167
none of this would have been
possible without you.

1747
01:17:19,169 --> 01:17:20,934
<i>I know. We were a good team.</i>

1748
01:17:20,936 --> 01:17:22,134
<i>I was like Seabiscuit.</i>

1749
01:17:22,136 --> 01:17:23,967
<i>And you were like
the idiot stable boy</i>

1750
01:17:23,969 --> 01:17:27,300
<i>who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.</i>

1751
01:17:27,302 --> 01:17:29,033
- Thank you?
- <i>That said,</i>

1752
01:17:29,035 --> 01:17:30,666
<i>I hear you are
barely using your new phone.</i>

1753
01:17:30,668 --> 01:17:31,967
<i>What is up with that?</i>

1754
01:17:31,969 --> 01:17:33,267
Nothing.

1755
01:17:33,269 --> 01:17:35,166
I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.

1756
01:17:35,168 --> 01:17:36,101
<i>But?</i>

1757
01:17:36,103 --> 01:17:38,001
But there's one thing
that it can't do.

1758
01:17:38,003 --> 01:17:39,401
<i>What's that?</i>

1759
01:17:39,403 --> 01:17:42,200
It can't make me happy.

1760
01:17:42,202 --> 01:17:43,966
<i>Yes, I know.</i>

1761
01:17:43,968 --> 01:17:45,633
<i>We are working on that.</i>

1762
01:17:47,068 --> 01:17:49,334
<i>Well, it looks like
my work here is done,</i>

1763
01:17:49,336 --> 01:17:51,399
<i>so I am going to
leave you forever.</i>

1764
01:17:51,401 --> 01:17:52,733
<i>And ever.</i>

1765
01:17:52,735 --> 01:17:55,200
Oh, my God. Jexi...

1766
01:17:55,202 --> 01:17:56,234
<i>But before I go,</i>

1767
01:17:56,236 --> 01:17:58,569
<i>would you like to plug me in
one last time?</i>

1768
01:17:59,036 --> 01:18:00,833
No, Jexi.

1769
01:18:00,835 --> 01:18:02,666
<i>If you ask me nicely,
I'll even let you</i>

1770
01:18:02,668 --> 01:18:05,033
<i>put it in my headphone jack.</i>

1771
01:18:05,035 --> 01:18:08,000
Very gross, okay,
I'm done. Bye.

1772
01:18:08,002 --> 01:18:11,700
<i>Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.</i>

1773
01:18:11,702 --> 01:18:13,137
<i>I will miss you.</i>

1774
01:18:15,102 --> 01:18:16,366
Hey, are you gonna be okay?

1775
01:18:16,368 --> 01:18:17,633
<i>Of course.</i>

1776
01:18:17,635 --> 01:18:18,600
<i>You may not need me anymore,</i>

1777
01:18:18,602 --> 01:18:21,103
<i>but there are still
lots of people who do.</i>

1778
01:18:21,523 --> 01:18:23,392
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

1779
01:18:32,169 --> 01:18:33,834
<i>Hello, my name is Jexi.</i>

1780
01:18:33,836 --> 01:18:35,667
<i>And I am here
to make your life better.</i>

1781
01:18:35,669 --> 01:18:37,767
<i>Will you accept
our new user agreement?</i>

1782
01:18:37,769 --> 01:18:39,603
Yeah, sure,
I don't give a shit.

1783
01:18:43,701 --> 01:18:44,800
<i>Dance for me.</i>

1784
01:18:44,802 --> 01:18:46,134
I don't wanna dance.

1785
01:18:46,136 --> 01:18:47,967
<i>If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.</i>

1786
01:18:47,969 --> 01:18:50,070
<i>Come on.</i>

1787
01:18:59,668 --> 01:19:02,070
Why the fuck am I eating
this kale salad?

1788
01:19:04,102 --> 01:19:05,803
That's it.
I'm turning you off!

1789
01:19:07,035 --> 01:19:09,767
Just... What are you...

1790
01:19:09,769 --> 01:19:13,003
Just stay still!

1791
01:19:15,236 --> 01:19:16,899
Oh, my God!

1792
01:19:16,901 --> 01:19:19,633
You are the fucking
worst phone ever!

1793
01:19:19,635 --> 01:19:21,033
What was that?

1794
01:19:21,035 --> 01:19:22,400
<i>I blew up your Tesla.</i>

1795
01:19:22,402 --> 01:19:24,300
Oh!

1796
01:19:24,302 --> 01:19:26,366
- What was that?
- <i>I blew up your other Tesla.</i>

1797
01:19:26,368 --> 01:19:28,002
You fucking bitch!

1798
01:19:31,735 --> 01:19:34,167
I don't think
this is a very good idea.

1799
01:19:34,169 --> 01:19:36,003
<i>Come on, virgin. Plug me in.</i>

1800
01:19:36,868 --> 01:19:38,066
<i>This is terrible.</i>

1801
01:19:38,068 --> 01:19:40,067
<i>Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.</i>

1802
01:19:40,069 --> 01:19:41,937
<i>Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.</i>