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Ron Burgundy, for years he was
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the prophet San Diego turned to
for its news.
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But then, like a shimmering
comet, he disappeared.
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So where does the next chapter
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of the legend of Ron Burgundy begin?
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It begins in a place where
all great men go
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for the second act of their life,
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New York City!
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Ron Burgundy!
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Your lady's got an ass that
looks like a diamond
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wrapped in hundred dollar bills.
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You know there's two things
daddy likes
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is diamonds and
hundred dollar bills, baby.
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And white women.
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Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?
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Hey, when you've got an ass
like a piece of Bubblicious,
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people are going to want to
stop and chew on it.
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It was a time before cell phones
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and when Google and Twitter were
sounds made by monkeys and babies.
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Chop suey.
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"Chop suey," says Choppy.
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Chop suey.
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Mickey Mouse shrieked in pain
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as the bear trap severed his right leg.
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Chuck-wella.
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Wendy wore her wedding dress
to the orgy.
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Wendy wore her wedding dress
to the orgy. Orgy.
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Corningstone. Corningstone.
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Oh, my God! Oh, no!
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He's getting close!
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Oh, no!
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He died too young!
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Five, four...
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- Have a great broadcast.
- You, too, darling.
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Good evening.
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This is the weekend edition
of WBC News at 6:30.
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I'm Ron Burgundy.
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And I'm Veronica Corningstone.
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Our top story tonight.
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The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...
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When the broadcast is over,
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send these two up to my office.
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Time to make a change.
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Rumor has it that after
35 years of manning the helm,
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Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.
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That's right.
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Do you... Do you think we could be...
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We could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?
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I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.
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Oh, my God. That's
what's happening, isn't it?
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- Do you know what this means?
- Yes, I do.
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Our lives will be changed forever.
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Forever.
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We can finally buy that speed boat.
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- We could.
- We could have twenty kids.
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Or two. We could have two children.
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You can constantly be pregnant.
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With a surrogate.
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What's a surrogate?
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Oh, my sweet, mouth-breathing goon.
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My lightly sautéed veal cutlet.
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Oh, my giant asshole.
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Mr. Tannen, you are an inspiration, sir.
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I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.
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- Done a hell of a job.
- Yes, sir.
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A hell of a job!
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I've covered assassinations,
wars, famines, plagues.
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Never good.
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I have a nasty pill addiction.
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You should try switching to alcohol.
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It's really great.
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The point is,
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this is a very demanding job.
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Yes.
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But I'm close to thinking that
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you may have what it takes.
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Now, let me look at you.
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Oh, my God.
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What are you?
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Finnish?
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Oddly enough,
I'm 90% Chicano, 10% Inuit.
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None of that is true, Ron.
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Well, I'm Dutch-German with
a dash of Cherokee.
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I'm so nervous.
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You can take her for
a test drive if you like.
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That's a one spicy meatball, huh!
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Sorry.
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All right.
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We're about to make
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network news history.
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- Veronica.
- Yes?
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You're going to be
the first female full-time
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network news anchor.
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- Oh, my goodness!
- I knew it.
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And you, Mr. Burgundy...
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Thank you, yes. The first
left-handed baritone.
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- Mr. Burgundy.
- Yes?
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You're fired.
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Come again?
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Fired.
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I'm sorry, it just didn't work out.
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You don't seem sorry.
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You are the worst anchorman
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I have ever seen.
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But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.
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The injured police officer was
immediately transferred
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to an amber-lance.
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Amboolance.
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An am... Ambrulance.
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I can't say it. You ever have that?
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A word you can't get?
I have trouble with broccoli.
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Broccoli has always been hard
for me to say. Broccoli.
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The slain civil rights leader
was eulogized...
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Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!
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That doesn't happen every day.
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That's a lot of bacteria.
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I'm sorry, sweetie,
you're the best. Quick kiss.
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Fuck's sake.
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Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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so I'm going to give you
the evening to think about it.
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I forbid it!
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You forbid it? What?
Who are you? Julius Caesar?
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Who the hell is Julius Caesar?
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Do you mean Dr. J.? Dr. Julius
Caesar the basketball player?
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You... Be quiet.
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Mom?
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I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.
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He no go to sleep.
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Christ, Lupita!
What are you doing downstairs?
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Stay in your quarters.
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Mommy? Daddy? Why are you
yelling at each other?
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Did Dad drink too
much white wine again?
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Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?
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Mommy and Daddy
are just having a discussion.
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No! He needs to hear this.
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He's six years old. He's a man.
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Walter, listen to me.
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Are you looking at me? Walter!
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Walter! Walter!
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- He's looking at you, Ron.
- Okay, I can't tell.
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Life isn't a fairy tale. Okay?
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It's not "Let's play Candy Land
and take a three-hour dump."
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It's complicated.
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It's about getting a paycheck
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and keeping a gun out of your mouth.
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- He is a child, Ron!
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!
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He's got hair on his nugs.
He's old enough to hear this.
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Sometimes in life, you're
going to have to drink
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a big, fat, stinking bowl
of hot, frothy horse piss!
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- Am I getting through to you?
- Ron!
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I don't want to drink horse piss!
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Walter, honey, it's okay. All right.
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This is some sort of metaphor
that your father is using.
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It's going to be hot,
and frothy, and pungent,
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and it's going to spill down
the front of your shirt...
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Stop it, Ron!
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People are going to be laughing at you!
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Oh, they'll be laughing!
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I don't want to drink foamy,
hot horse piss!
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Oh, yes, you will. You will gulp it down.
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And then, ironically,
you'll develop a thirst
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as if you were alone
in the Sahara Desert.
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It'll be the only thing on your mind.
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"Got to have more horse piss."
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One time, Fidel Castro made
my father drink horse piss.
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Lupita, you are not helping the situation.
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Is Castro going to make me
drink horse piss?
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Damn it, Ron!
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It happens all over the world.
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We will never, ever
make you drink hot horse piss.
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I promise you that.
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Listen, son, I've heard
those same exact words!
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And guess what? I always
have to drink the horse piss!
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He's right. I always have to
drink the horse piss.
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I will lock you in a closet.
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Burns your throat coming down
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and it burns your keester coming out.
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I don't want to drink horse piss!
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Veronica, here's the bottom line.
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It's a very simple decision.
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It's either me or the job.
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It doesn't have to be a choice, Ron.
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Don't do this.
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Don't throw away everything
that we've worked so hard for.
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Me
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or the job.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the 3:10
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Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.
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Sponsored by Enron.
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00:10:01,519 --> 00:10:04,939
Enron, meeting your energy needs
now and forever.
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Here's your host, Ron Burgundy.
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Good afternoon, everyone.
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And welcome
to world-famous SeaWorld,
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00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:16,742
here in San Diago, California.
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Folks, you're going to learn
a lot about sea life today.
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00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:23,082
You're also going to learn
a lot about human despair.
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And your teacher's going to be me.
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You're also going to learn that in a pinch
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you can fit an entire ham sandwich
in your butt crack.
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So you can sample it
because they only give you
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00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:39,140
a 15 minute smoke break here.
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Let's bring out
our world-class trainers here,
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Jesse and Paula.
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00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:49,442
Thank you. Thank you, Ron.
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00:10:49,984 --> 00:10:51,736
I'd like to train you two lil' honeys
how to give me
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00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,237
a world class spanking.
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00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:58,784
You know there's
no drinking on the job, Ron.
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00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,286
I'm aware of that, Missy.
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00:11:00,411 --> 00:11:02,913
There's also another rule
here at SeaWorld,
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no being a bitch on the job.
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00:11:11,005 --> 00:11:12,006
Okay.
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00:11:12,173 --> 00:11:15,384
So, let's say hello
to the stars of the show,
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00:11:15,468 --> 00:11:17,386
Chippy and Roo-roo!
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00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:20,097
The rat of the ocean, the dolphin.
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00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:24,435
Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
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00:11:24,602 --> 00:11:26,854
Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
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00:11:28,356 --> 00:11:29,648
What did you say?
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00:11:30,149 --> 00:11:31,609
Oh, really? You're a big man.
219
00:11:33,194 --> 00:11:35,613
You want to go?
I'll punch you in the face.
220
00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:37,948
He said he was going to
punch a dolphin.
221
00:11:38,324 --> 00:11:40,659
You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
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00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:43,371
Hey, you want to see
the other dolphin show?
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00:11:43,454 --> 00:11:45,289
It's right here in my pants.
224
00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:48,751
Children and animals hate you,
Ron Burgundy!
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00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:50,711
Go ahead, yell all you want!
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00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,172
Unhand me, you buffoons!
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00:11:54,924 --> 00:11:56,801
All right, first, you gave a gin and tonic
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00:11:56,926 --> 00:11:58,302
to the sea otters
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00:11:58,386 --> 00:12:02,306
and then you stuck your dick
in the sea anemone display.
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00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,559
You're fired, you washed-up drunk!
231
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:06,977
Guess what, Trevor?
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00:12:07,061 --> 00:12:08,437
Every morning I get here early
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00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,690
and rub my private parts
with a sea cucumber.
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00:12:13,526 --> 00:12:16,445
This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
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I don't know if I'll vacate my bowels.
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00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,119
It's the only time I've ever hung myself.
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It's too late, Baxter.
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00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:30,709
My final words?
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00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,422
Tell the people that I said...
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00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:40,386
"Firetruck." I'm drawing a blank.
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00:12:42,430 --> 00:12:43,848
It's okay, you're a dog.
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00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,517
People won't expect you
to remember it word for word.
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00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,645
Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
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00:12:57,403 --> 00:13:00,072
Evonne Goolagong's feminine napkin!
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00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:01,699
Mr. Burgundy?
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00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,952
Hello, I... Oh, my God!
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00:13:05,286 --> 00:13:07,121
What the hell happened?
248
00:13:09,582 --> 00:13:11,500
I tried to hang myself?
249
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,419
Because my life's a mess?
250
00:13:13,878 --> 00:13:15,629
And I saw no other option?
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00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,673
I think you're telling the truth,
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00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:19,884
but why are you saying it
like you're lying?
253
00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:22,887
Because you're a stranger.
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00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,681
And I don't want you to judge me.
255
00:13:26,307 --> 00:13:27,475
Yeah, but...
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00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:29,685
It happened right before
you walked in. You missed it.
257
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:32,771
Oh, well. 'Cause it happened. Yeah.
258
00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:34,023
So...
259
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:37,776
These are first-rate flapjacks.
260
00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:40,988
I'm telling you,
suicide makes you hungry,
261
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,823
I don't care what anyone says.
262
00:13:43,032 --> 00:13:44,366
My name is Freddie Shapp,
263
00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:47,620
and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.
264
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:50,414
We're starting a 24-hour news channel.
265
00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:51,916
First of its kind!
266
00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:54,919
GNN. The Global News Network.
267
00:13:57,713 --> 00:13:59,381
That is, without a doubt,
268
00:13:59,465 --> 00:14:01,383
the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
269
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:05,012
You mean news going 24 hours
around the clock?
270
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:07,389
A channel that's never off,
in other words?
271
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,893
Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours.
272
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:16,148
Freddie Shapp, you are a fucking idiot.
273
00:14:16,315 --> 00:14:17,816
Mr. Burgundy, I assure you
274
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,860
we are 100% for real.
275
00:14:19,944 --> 00:14:22,530
We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.
276
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:25,241
And Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire
277
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,576
and owner of Koala Airlines.
278
00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,412
I saw Kench Allenby play
at the Bob Hope Classic.
279
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,998
He hit a wedge from 130 out,
280
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:34,625
he put it on the head of a quarter.
281
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,252
That guy can play.
282
00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:39,338
He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.
283
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:40,923
Here.
284
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,759
This is your first week's salary.
285
00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:48,597
By the oversized nipples of Della Reese!
286
00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:51,976
We've got a whole news team
ready for you.
287
00:14:52,393 --> 00:14:57,648
Sports, weather and
a top-notch investigative reporter.
288
00:14:58,399 --> 00:15:01,277
This is a young guy
I never heard of. Bob Costas.
289
00:15:01,569 --> 00:15:04,572
This guy, we'll get
his gap fixed, Letterman.
290
00:15:05,197 --> 00:15:09,076
And Jennings. He's a young kid,
but they're hungry.
291
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:10,703
I don't think you understand, Freddie.
292
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:13,289
When my wife turned her back on me
293
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:18,252
by letting me turn my back on her
for fulfilling her dreams,
294
00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:21,338
I knew the news game was over for me.
295
00:15:21,505 --> 00:15:24,675
No. You were put on this Earth
by God Almighty
296
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,343
to be a news man.
297
00:15:26,427 --> 00:15:30,556
How dare you think about
depriving the people of that?
298
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:34,268
The Ron Burgundy I used to
love to watch on TV,
299
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:35,853
he wouldn't take this lying down.
300
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:38,022
What do you say, Ron?
301
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,776
I'll take the job.
302
00:15:43,402 --> 00:15:46,322
And I swear to you
I'll be number one again.
303
00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:49,241
I'll get my son back,
I'll restore my reputation
304
00:15:49,325 --> 00:15:51,285
and make things right with Veronica.
305
00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:53,370
But more importantly,
306
00:15:53,621 --> 00:15:56,874
I'll do what God put me
on this Earth to do.
307
00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:59,418
Be famous.
308
00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:03,422
Ron... You've made my day.
309
00:16:05,049 --> 00:16:07,718
I won't be using these jerk offs, though.
310
00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,763
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
311
00:16:11,055 --> 00:16:13,724
- Your call.
- I just have to find them.
312
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:26,028
San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.
313
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,155
Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired
314
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,949
for being drunk on the air
and saying that Asians
315
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,035
can't play baseball 'cause
they're always squinting.
316
00:16:36,330 --> 00:16:38,499
- Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!
317
00:16:38,749 --> 00:16:40,876
Delicious chicken swing on through
318
00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:43,253
Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!
319
00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,756
I'm local San Diego legend Champ Kind,
320
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,466
and I believe in two things:
321
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:49,802
Good chicken, and that
if Jesus had a sidearm
322
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,512
he wouldn't have been crucified.
323
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,639
So swing on by and grab a wing.
324
00:16:53,806 --> 00:16:56,892
'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"
325
00:16:57,226 --> 00:16:59,061
BYOL. Bring your own liquor.
326
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:00,437
All right, there you go.
327
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:02,940
One Whammy Special,
with Whammy Slaw.
328
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,110
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.
329
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,278
My gosh, let me take care of that.
330
00:17:08,404 --> 00:17:09,488
Get out of here before
331
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,657
I smash your head in,
you Commie bastard!
332
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,284
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!
333
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:18,414
You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.
334
00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:20,332
Ron? Ron Burgundy?
335
00:17:20,499 --> 00:17:22,584
- Get over here!
- How are you, friend?
336
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,920
God, I have longed for you.
337
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:28,048
- It's good to see you, too.
- Oh, this feels like home.
338
00:17:28,716 --> 00:17:31,885
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.
339
00:17:32,136 --> 00:17:34,805
Okay, let's break the huddle here, huh?
340
00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:37,141
Okay. All right.
341
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:39,143
You get back here!
342
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,310
Don't be weird!
343
00:17:40,853 --> 00:17:43,021
So, Harken sits me down
to have a man to man.
344
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:45,190
I really don't remember much of it.
345
00:17:45,274 --> 00:17:48,068
I was told later, I guess
I took a swing at him.
346
00:17:48,152 --> 00:17:51,447
I had a knife in my pocket,
he got stabbed pretty deep.
347
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:52,781
I set a fire somewhere.
348
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:54,950
There was something dripping on me,
349
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:56,535
now I got this nasty head wound.
350
00:17:56,827 --> 00:17:58,829
Turned out, I guess, I got in
a fight with some of the crew.
351
00:17:58,912 --> 00:17:59,913
Okay.
352
00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:02,082
Anyway, I was pretty insistent
I got on the air,
353
00:18:02,166 --> 00:18:04,209
but as you can understand,
Ed had to let me go.
354
00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:06,628
His hands were tied in that situation.
355
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,089
Fortunately, on the way out the door,
356
00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:10,799
I fake a work injury.
357
00:18:10,883 --> 00:18:12,843
With the settlement, I bought this place.
358
00:18:12,968 --> 00:18:15,012
Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.
359
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:17,765
Listen, can I ask you a question?
360
00:18:17,848 --> 00:18:19,349
Sure. Anything.
361
00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:21,351
Is... Is this chicken?
362
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:23,479
Oh, hell, no.
363
00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:25,397
It's really impossible to turn a profit
364
00:18:25,481 --> 00:18:26,940
if you serve real chicken.
365
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,735
- Yeah. We use mainly bats.
- What?
366
00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,279
Yeah. But the good quality kind.
367
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,823
That's the most horrible thing
I've ever heard.
368
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:37,493
Yeah? You got to do
what you got to do, right?
369
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,745
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?
370
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:40,954
Yep.
371
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:43,874
Can I ask you, is there
a recipe for the seasoning?
372
00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:47,878
The seasoning's the great secret,
we use road salt
373
00:18:48,462 --> 00:18:50,214
and ashes from a crematorium.
374
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,299
- Champ.
- It's crazy good.
375
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:53,383
It's crazy wrong.
376
00:18:53,509 --> 00:18:54,843
If you don't like that,
you don't even want to know
377
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,637
what the French fries are made out of.
378
00:18:56,804 --> 00:18:57,888
You're sure as hell right.
379
00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,932
- I'm going to tell you anyway.
- Please don't.
380
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:03,727
Worms, grubs and camel feces
as a binding agent.
381
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,270
This is a horror show.
382
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,856
Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it.
383
00:19:08,065 --> 00:19:09,983
I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.
384
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,236
- It's delicious.
- It's all tendon. Look at it.
385
00:19:15,531 --> 00:19:16,782
Was that a bat?
386
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,034
One gets loose about once a week.
387
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:20,911
Hey, what brings you here, Ron?
388
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:24,706
My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.
389
00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:25,999
Whammy!
390
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,335
That's the best news
I've heard since I found out
391
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,003
you can get high off insect repellent.
392
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,630
You've got yourself a sportscaster.
393
00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:32,756
Oh, great.
394
00:19:32,965 --> 00:19:34,049
Denny!
395
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:36,927
Lock up!
396
00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:38,762
Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
397
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:39,930
You haven't heard?
398
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,099
Fantana hit the big time.
399
00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:46,144
Oh, yeah, you're a dirty
little thing, aren't you?
400
00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:48,146
Yeah, that's it. Just play around.
401
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:49,565
Roll around like you're on the bed.
402
00:19:49,815 --> 00:19:52,860
Hey, I'm not here.
No one's here. You're alone.
403
00:19:53,277 --> 00:19:54,820
Do what you do when you're alone.
404
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:57,281
What's going on? What is this?
405
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,741
What are these balls in my face?
That's it.
406
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:02,327
What are these giant balls in my face?
407
00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:04,663
Yeah, play with them.
Swat them around.
408
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,456
That's it. I'm not here.
None of us are here.
409
00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:10,210
Do your thing. That's it.
410
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:13,463
You're not getting any better than that.
411
00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:16,508
- That's brilliant!
- Yeah, yeah.
412
00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:18,927
Hey, Brian, you have any time
for the little people?
413
00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:30,147
- Hey, Brian.
- Champ! How you doing?
414
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,356
Hey!
415
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,275
- Wow. This is a...
- Cool it!
416
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:35,527
No, but what I have found is that,
you know, you give a cat
417
00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:37,404
a lot of Amaretto, strangely enough,
418
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:39,156
and they'll sit still for quite a while.
419
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:41,074
Oh, hey, look at this one,
this one's great.
420
00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:44,077
The experience of shooting
that one was transcendent.
421
00:20:44,161 --> 00:20:45,746
So much so that I can confidently
422
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,539
look into the eyes
of any woman and say,
423
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,542
"You know what, I know
what childbirth is like."
424
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:53,086
And I bet you a woman
would like to hear that.
425
00:20:53,587 --> 00:20:56,548
Look at that little guy in the fish bowl.
426
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,093
I gotta say, it's really great
and, of course,
427
00:21:00,177 --> 00:21:02,262
it's just so funny.
428
00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:04,431
Yeah. Sad ending to this one though.
429
00:21:04,723 --> 00:21:06,308
Poor little guy snapped his neck
430
00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:08,393
when I was trying to get him
out of the fish bowl.
431
00:21:08,477 --> 00:21:10,938
Stupid. I used tongs. Salad tongs.
432
00:21:11,021 --> 00:21:12,814
I don't know why
I didn't just use my hand.
433
00:21:12,898 --> 00:21:15,567
Seems like you could've just
tipped the jar on its side
434
00:21:15,651 --> 00:21:17,778
and let him crawl out on his own leisure.
435
00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:19,863
Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.
436
00:21:20,030 --> 00:21:21,156
You know they call cats
437
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:22,866
chicken of the freeway underpass.
438
00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,285
- What?
- Don't indulge him.
439
00:21:25,661 --> 00:21:26,870
I never heard that.
440
00:21:27,162 --> 00:21:28,455
Not a lot of bones in cats.
441
00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:31,208
You could probably just get right at it.
442
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:33,794
You need to stop, my friend.
443
00:21:34,211 --> 00:21:36,046
We don't eat cats
around these parts, Champ.
444
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:38,507
That's a blast.
445
00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:41,134
And this one's coming out today.
Cat Fancy magazine.
446
00:21:41,385 --> 00:21:43,053
But not just the magazine.
In church rec rooms,
447
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:44,471
school binders, everywhere.
448
00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:45,847
It's the biggest launch we've ever had.
449
00:21:47,057 --> 00:21:48,725
So why are you guys here, anyway?
450
00:21:48,976 --> 00:21:50,060
Well, Brian,
451
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,729
we're getting the news team
back together again.
452
00:21:53,063 --> 00:21:54,064
Really?
453
00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:56,316
And, of course, we want
to know if you'll join us.
454
00:21:56,566 --> 00:21:57,818
Jeez, I don't know.
455
00:21:57,901 --> 00:22:00,404
I kind of got the world
by the tail here. I...
456
00:22:00,654 --> 00:22:02,072
I don't know if I can.
457
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:03,323
I get it. Christ.
458
00:22:03,407 --> 00:22:05,242
You're the Akira Kurosawa
of cat photographers.
459
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:06,660
Why would you leave all this?
460
00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:09,496
Brian! Brian!
461
00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:11,665
The cover's out!
462
00:22:12,290 --> 00:22:13,917
Oh, okay.
463
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:19,131
This is not good.
464
00:22:20,549 --> 00:22:21,591
It's a typo.
465
00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:27,097
I have to point out that
technically speaking
466
00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:28,223
a pussy is a cat.
467
00:22:28,348 --> 00:22:29,349
- I know.
- That's true.
468
00:22:29,433 --> 00:22:31,768
But I never spend $100
on a lobster dinner
469
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:32,936
for a kitty cat.
470
00:22:37,607 --> 00:22:39,776
Oh, no! We're all going to die!
471
00:22:40,110 --> 00:22:41,570
Thanks, Champ.
472
00:22:43,030 --> 00:22:47,117
I'm not used to driving
these multi-axle vehicles.
473
00:22:48,702 --> 00:22:50,620
The question still remains...
474
00:22:51,371 --> 00:22:52,706
Where's Brick Tamland?
475
00:22:52,956 --> 00:22:55,292
You guys didn't hear?
476
00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:56,877
No, what happened?
477
00:22:57,544 --> 00:22:59,087
Brick's...
478
00:22:59,963 --> 00:23:01,214
Dead.
479
00:23:10,140 --> 00:23:12,392
Brick was lost at sea about a year ago.
480
00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:15,228
Thought he saw a bird
and he swam out to pet it.
481
00:23:15,312 --> 00:23:16,646
He never came back.
482
00:23:16,897 --> 00:23:19,149
We all loved Brick.
483
00:23:19,483 --> 00:23:20,484
Sweet Brick.
484
00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:23,487
One time he introduced me
to his parents
485
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,822
who were clearly younger than him.
486
00:23:26,073 --> 00:23:27,491
Skip and Donna Tamland.
487
00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:29,576
- They were teenagers.
- And they were Asian.
488
00:23:29,659 --> 00:23:30,744
Yes, they were.
489
00:23:30,827 --> 00:23:33,622
He'll long be remembered and
he'll be sorely missed.
490
00:23:39,252 --> 00:23:40,754
Thank you, Reverend.
491
00:23:42,756 --> 00:23:44,091
Oh, come on!
492
00:23:44,174 --> 00:23:46,259
Really?
493
00:23:46,343 --> 00:23:49,346
Brick loved to put his feet into pita bread
494
00:23:50,180 --> 00:23:53,433
because they're like socks
except you can eat them.
495
00:23:53,934 --> 00:23:54,935
What?
496
00:23:55,018 --> 00:23:59,147
It is hard for me to believe
that he is gone.
497
00:24:01,817 --> 00:24:04,319
I feel that I just saw him yesterday.
498
00:24:04,528 --> 00:24:06,530
You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.
499
00:24:07,030 --> 00:24:08,865
Why? Why?
500
00:24:09,199 --> 00:24:11,034
Why did you take him from us?
501
00:24:11,118 --> 00:24:13,453
You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.
502
00:24:13,662 --> 00:24:15,038
Brick is dead!
503
00:24:15,122 --> 00:24:16,790
- No, Brick's alive.
- Brick is dead!
504
00:24:16,873 --> 00:24:18,041
- Look at him!
- He's not dead.
505
00:24:18,166 --> 00:24:19,209
He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.
506
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:20,669
- You're Brick!
- Brick, it's you!
507
00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:22,212
He's dead!
508
00:24:22,295 --> 00:24:25,507
No! You are Brick! Touch yourself.
509
00:24:25,715 --> 00:24:28,135
- I am Brick?
- Yes!
510
00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:30,220
- I'm alive?
- Yes!
511
00:24:30,387 --> 00:24:32,055
Of course.
512
00:24:32,264 --> 00:24:33,598
Of course you are.
513
00:24:34,641 --> 00:24:37,477
You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.
514
00:24:37,978 --> 00:24:40,272
I went to pet the bird but it was fast.
515
00:24:40,438 --> 00:24:41,898
So I kept swimming.
516
00:24:42,274 --> 00:24:45,402
After a week I landed in
an island called Aloha.
517
00:24:45,735 --> 00:24:47,612
Moses on a Vespa.
518
00:24:47,988 --> 00:24:49,906
He swam all the way to Hawaii.
519
00:24:50,157 --> 00:24:51,158
I married a lady
520
00:24:51,616 --> 00:24:53,493
and people paid me to catch bad guys
521
00:24:53,618 --> 00:24:54,953
who didn't go to court.
522
00:24:55,245 --> 00:24:57,789
You were a bounty hunter in Hawaii
for the past year?
523
00:24:58,248 --> 00:25:01,418
Yes. I was a bangy hunger
in Y past gear...
524
00:25:01,668 --> 00:25:03,003
You've got a Hawaiian wife?
525
00:25:03,170 --> 00:25:05,463
Yes, her name's Lanai.
We have six kids.
526
00:25:05,922 --> 00:25:07,340
Six kids, you were only gone a year?
527
00:25:08,675 --> 00:25:10,218
I'm a bangy hunger.
528
00:25:10,927 --> 00:25:14,514
You can be a diaper salesman
in Duluth for all I care.
529
00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:17,058
It's just great to get the news team
back together again.
530
00:25:17,142 --> 00:25:18,143
Hot damn.
531
00:25:21,938 --> 00:25:24,941
Do you remember
our Easter trip to San Francisco?
532
00:25:25,317 --> 00:25:27,777
And we took that helicopter tour
533
00:25:27,944 --> 00:25:30,197
and Brick said, "I wish I could fly."
534
00:25:30,488 --> 00:25:32,991
And we said,
"Why don't you try?" Boom.
535
00:25:33,283 --> 00:25:34,910
I couldn't fly!
536
00:25:34,993 --> 00:25:37,954
He was flapping his arms
the whole way down.
537
00:25:38,371 --> 00:25:40,373
I ruptured my pancreas.
538
00:25:41,708 --> 00:25:44,794
Remember the time I took
Champ's mom to the hospital
539
00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:47,464
and then we hit it off
and I gave her gonorrhea?
540
00:25:48,715 --> 00:25:50,133
Champ's mom got the clap.
541
00:25:50,217 --> 00:25:52,552
- Oh, my God.
- She was pissed.
542
00:25:52,677 --> 00:25:54,304
Fantana's a dirty dog.
543
00:25:54,471 --> 00:25:55,931
I'll tell you something, she was 78
544
00:25:56,014 --> 00:25:57,641
but she didn't look a day over 74.
545
00:25:57,724 --> 00:26:00,268
Get rid of the walker and the eye patch,
546
00:26:00,352 --> 00:26:01,853
I'll tell you, she ain't bad looking.
547
00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,021
Good to go.
548
00:26:03,146 --> 00:26:05,523
Best part of it all,
she actually fell in love with Brian.
549
00:26:06,024 --> 00:26:08,026
- How is she doing?
- She died yesterday.
550
00:26:08,318 --> 00:26:10,737
Oh, that stinks. Tell her I said "hi."
551
00:26:10,987 --> 00:26:12,489
Well, I can't because she's dead now.
552
00:26:13,031 --> 00:26:14,449
- Oh, "dead" dead.
- Dead.
553
00:26:14,532 --> 00:26:15,825
She passed away.
554
00:26:16,243 --> 00:26:17,244
Gonorrhea?
555
00:26:19,996 --> 00:26:21,331
You don't die from gonorrhea.
556
00:26:21,498 --> 00:26:22,832
You suffer quite a bit.
557
00:26:22,916 --> 00:26:24,501
Here's the real kicker,
558
00:26:24,584 --> 00:26:26,002
and you guys are going to lose it.
559
00:26:26,086 --> 00:26:27,504
Do you know what her last words were?
560
00:26:28,004 --> 00:26:29,673
"Tell Brian I always loved him."
561
00:26:38,682 --> 00:26:40,517
Well, tell her I said hi.
562
00:26:40,684 --> 00:26:42,227
No, I can't. She's not alive.
563
00:26:42,352 --> 00:26:43,561
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
564
00:26:43,853 --> 00:26:46,773
How about the time when I was born
565
00:26:46,898 --> 00:26:49,526
and I came out of the vagina?
566
00:26:50,902 --> 00:26:52,279
And I was screaming,
567
00:26:52,404 --> 00:26:56,032
"Here I come. Here I come, Mom."
568
00:26:57,951 --> 00:27:00,203
How could we, Brick, we weren't there.
569
00:27:00,370 --> 00:27:01,955
We're telling stories involving
570
00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:03,873
the entire news team from the past.
571
00:27:04,082 --> 00:27:07,460
Oh, what about the time
when we were in the Binewago
572
00:27:07,544 --> 00:27:10,880
and Ron told me that
I wasn't telling the story right?
573
00:27:12,549 --> 00:27:13,717
There you go. That's pretty good.
574
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,927
- That was about all of us.
- Not really.
575
00:27:16,136 --> 00:27:19,764
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!
576
00:27:19,889 --> 00:27:21,057
Ron,
577
00:27:21,266 --> 00:27:24,060
Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
578
00:27:25,729 --> 00:27:27,188
He's naked.
579
00:27:28,356 --> 00:27:29,524
Hey, Ron, who's driving?
580
00:27:29,607 --> 00:27:31,526
Oh, it's okay, it's on cruise control.
581
00:27:33,903 --> 00:27:36,072
Who wants some chimichangas, huh?
582
00:27:36,489 --> 00:27:38,074
Best thing I ever did was install
583
00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:39,617
this deep fryer in the 'bago.
584
00:27:39,743 --> 00:27:41,745
Hey, Ron. Cruise control
just regulates speed,
585
00:27:41,828 --> 00:27:43,246
it doesn't steer.
586
00:27:43,747 --> 00:27:44,831
Come again?
587
00:28:12,442 --> 00:28:14,944
Is that a pool of blood or urine I'm in?
588
00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:28,792
These are the guys you hired?
589
00:28:29,501 --> 00:28:32,087
Hey, Freddie! Pardon the appearance.
590
00:28:32,212 --> 00:28:35,715
Quick tip: never put
a deep fryer in your Winnebago.
591
00:28:37,550 --> 00:28:40,512
No, no, Brick. No. There we go.
592
00:28:41,721 --> 00:28:44,724
Here we are. Welcome to GNN.
593
00:28:47,894 --> 00:28:50,230
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?
594
00:28:50,563 --> 00:28:52,732
Guys, I know it's a bit
of a mess, but trust me,
595
00:28:52,982 --> 00:28:55,819
everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.
596
00:28:56,069 --> 00:28:59,739
We've culled the whole country
for the best newsmen.
597
00:29:00,073 --> 00:29:01,991
There's Curtis Knightfish from Houston.
598
00:29:02,075 --> 00:29:03,118
Oh, Curtis Knightfish.
599
00:29:03,201 --> 00:29:04,577
They don't get any better than that.
600
00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:07,038
One night Knightfish and I got so drunk
601
00:29:07,163 --> 00:29:10,166
we drank the fluid
from six Magic 8 Balls.
602
00:29:10,834 --> 00:29:12,210
Never got the answer.
603
00:29:12,752 --> 00:29:13,920
You had to go to the hospital
for that, right?
604
00:29:14,045 --> 00:29:15,380
Oh, yeah, I lost a kidney.
605
00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:18,258
There's Diane Yahwea
from Carson City.
606
00:29:18,341 --> 00:29:21,386
You know what they call her?
"All the Way Yahwea."
607
00:29:21,761 --> 00:29:24,180
Yeah! She won a Pulitzer.
608
00:29:24,848 --> 00:29:28,852
And the best in the biz.
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.
609
00:29:29,185 --> 00:29:33,022
Rumor is Allenby is giving him
one mil a year.
610
00:29:33,356 --> 00:29:35,358
That's crazy. Who's worth
that kind of money?
611
00:29:36,985 --> 00:29:40,238
Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!
612
00:29:40,572 --> 00:29:43,074
I betcha that brother bags a lot of p.
613
00:29:44,367 --> 00:29:47,036
- I'd like to pee on him.
- Yeah.
614
00:29:47,704 --> 00:29:48,705
Wait. What?
615
00:29:50,206 --> 00:29:52,459
I bet the inside of his mouth
is even beautiful.
616
00:29:53,126 --> 00:29:54,627
Can I help you, guy?
617
00:29:54,878 --> 00:29:56,045
What was that?
618
00:29:56,129 --> 00:29:57,505
I said, "Can I help you, guy?"
619
00:29:57,589 --> 00:29:59,883
What do you mean?
620
00:30:00,049 --> 00:30:02,051
Well, you're staring at me, hotshot.
621
00:30:02,635 --> 00:30:04,262
Do you want my autograph?
622
00:30:06,723 --> 00:30:08,433
No, he was just explaining
623
00:30:08,558 --> 00:30:10,393
who you were and I was looking at you.
624
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,769
And then he said something
625
00:30:11,895 --> 00:30:13,646
and I was still looking at you.
626
00:30:20,069 --> 00:30:22,572
Jack Lime is a great man!
627
00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,658
Is that what I sound like when I talk?
628
00:30:29,496 --> 00:30:30,747
I guess that's funny. I mean...
629
00:30:31,706 --> 00:30:34,626
- That is you.
- I sometimes sound like that, I guess.
630
00:30:35,084 --> 00:30:36,085
Hey, slugger!
631
00:30:36,586 --> 00:30:38,505
What's feeding time
for that mustache of yours?
632
00:30:43,176 --> 00:30:46,679
Brick, what are you doing
laughing over there?
633
00:30:47,263 --> 00:30:49,599
- Get back over here.
- Get over here.
634
00:30:49,682 --> 00:30:51,017
Come on, Brick.
635
00:30:51,809 --> 00:30:54,354
So, anyways, that's Jack Lime.
636
00:30:55,438 --> 00:30:57,148
Come on, guys. Let's go meet the boss.
637
00:30:57,982 --> 00:30:59,651
We'll have separate cameras
638
00:30:59,776 --> 00:31:02,445
for you, and then sports
and then weather.
639
00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:04,822
Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?
640
00:31:05,114 --> 00:31:08,785
Well, Linda Jackson
has a shelf full of Emmys.
641
00:31:08,952 --> 00:31:13,122
She's tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.
642
00:31:13,206 --> 00:31:14,958
Oh, hey, Linda!
643
00:31:15,166 --> 00:31:17,835
I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
644
00:31:18,378 --> 00:31:21,214
Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?
645
00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:22,465
Ron.
646
00:31:23,216 --> 00:31:24,717
This is Linda Jackson.
647
00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:26,719
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
648
00:31:29,264 --> 00:31:30,265
Black.
649
00:31:32,725 --> 00:31:34,185
Black.
650
00:31:34,686 --> 00:31:35,687
Black.
651
00:31:37,021 --> 00:31:38,022
You're choking on something.
652
00:31:39,274 --> 00:31:40,400
I'm terribly sorry.
653
00:31:40,483 --> 00:31:42,610
I don't know why I can't stop saying...
654
00:31:43,403 --> 00:31:45,071
Black. The word "black."
655
00:31:45,238 --> 00:31:46,656
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
656
00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:48,157
Black.
657
00:31:48,241 --> 00:31:49,242
Black.
658
00:31:49,325 --> 00:31:51,369
- Black.
- Black.
659
00:31:52,328 --> 00:31:53,663
Stop saying "black."
660
00:31:53,871 --> 00:31:56,249
If I keep my mouth open,
I just won't say it.
661
00:31:57,083 --> 00:31:59,377
Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?
662
00:31:59,711 --> 00:32:01,546
- Right away, Ms. Jackson.
- Thank you.
663
00:32:02,005 --> 00:32:04,507
Hey, Donna. Make the coffee black.
664
00:32:04,882 --> 00:32:07,176
- Please be seated. Everyone.
- Sure.
665
00:32:07,343 --> 00:32:08,553
Please be seated.
666
00:32:14,559 --> 00:32:16,519
Can you take a seat on the sofa?
667
00:32:16,853 --> 00:32:18,855
Come on, guys, it's not preschool.
668
00:32:19,856 --> 00:32:20,857
Sit on the furniture.
669
00:32:20,940 --> 00:32:22,358
They were trying to be
deferential, I think.
670
00:32:23,443 --> 00:32:27,363
Great. So I know
that all of you are aware
671
00:32:27,739 --> 00:32:29,073
that the news community is laughing
672
00:32:29,198 --> 00:32:31,117
at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.
673
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:32,910
But that is why they brought me in.
674
00:32:33,369 --> 00:32:35,038
Listen, I feel like I need to clear the air.
675
00:32:35,371 --> 00:32:36,581
Oh, please don't.
676
00:32:36,706 --> 00:32:38,666
I want you to know, on behalf
of the news team,
677
00:32:38,750 --> 00:32:41,711
we are huge supporters of all
678
00:32:42,045 --> 00:32:43,546
African and Americans.
679
00:32:44,380 --> 00:32:46,924
I like lions. But not to touch.
680
00:32:47,216 --> 00:32:50,261
I remember the first African
and American I ever saw.
681
00:32:50,553 --> 00:32:52,096
It's African-American.
682
00:32:52,388 --> 00:32:53,890
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
683
00:32:54,098 --> 00:32:56,601
Absolutely 100% positive? It isn't like...
684
00:32:56,726 --> 00:32:57,769
Ron...
685
00:32:57,894 --> 00:33:00,647
- Fish and chips?
- African 'n' American?
686
00:33:01,064 --> 00:33:02,273
Like an "n" with an apostrophe?
687
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,567
Please just stop it.
688
00:33:05,068 --> 00:33:07,320
Linda, guess what movie
I watch every Christmas?
689
00:33:07,487 --> 00:33:09,405
Little Darlings with Kristy McNichol?
690
00:33:09,739 --> 00:33:11,407
Six Pack starring Kenny Rogers?
691
00:33:11,574 --> 00:33:12,784
A modern classic.
692
00:33:12,950 --> 00:33:14,410
Carrot.
693
00:33:15,411 --> 00:33:17,914
Carrot? I'm not familiar with that film.
694
00:33:18,081 --> 00:33:19,957
It's really, really good.
695
00:33:20,583 --> 00:33:23,878
I put on my comfy slippers and
pour myself a cup of nog
696
00:33:23,961 --> 00:33:25,755
and watch The Wiz.
697
00:33:26,089 --> 00:33:29,926
Judy Garland who? The Wiz
makes the real Wizard of Oz
698
00:33:30,093 --> 00:33:31,511
its bitch.
699
00:33:31,803 --> 00:33:35,098
Hey, we're all the same color
on the inside. Pink.
700
00:33:35,765 --> 00:33:37,600
With a little bit of brown and
a little bit of white.
701
00:33:38,142 --> 00:33:39,143
Milky yellow.
702
00:33:39,310 --> 00:33:41,187
Look, I don't care what color you are,
703
00:33:41,270 --> 00:33:44,607
black, green, yellow, brown...
704
00:33:44,857 --> 00:33:46,943
Just as long as you act white.
705
00:33:47,527 --> 00:33:50,279
Jesus, this is the worst meeting
I've ever been in.
706
00:33:50,655 --> 00:33:52,782
A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.
707
00:33:52,990 --> 00:33:54,826
Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.
708
00:33:55,159 --> 00:33:56,494
I call him Leon.
709
00:33:56,786 --> 00:33:58,579
He's about half as tall as I am
710
00:33:58,663 --> 00:34:00,123
depending on what time of day it is.
711
00:34:00,498 --> 00:34:02,125
He likes to play the timpani
712
00:34:02,667 --> 00:34:05,044
and he is a water-colorist.
713
00:34:05,169 --> 00:34:06,963
What happens to him
when it gets cloudy outside?
714
00:34:07,046 --> 00:34:08,297
Leon goes away.
715
00:34:08,506 --> 00:34:10,299
It's your shadow.
He's talking about his shadow.
716
00:34:10,633 --> 00:34:13,136
Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!
717
00:34:15,805 --> 00:34:16,806
What's he doing?
718
00:34:16,973 --> 00:34:19,475
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.
719
00:34:19,809 --> 00:34:21,310
Is he all right?
720
00:34:21,728 --> 00:34:24,147
Do you have a red umbrella or a kitten?
721
00:34:24,397 --> 00:34:25,398
No.
722
00:34:25,648 --> 00:34:26,858
Something soft and squishy?
723
00:34:27,024 --> 00:34:28,025
No.
724
00:34:28,151 --> 00:34:29,694
Brick, get up,
we're going to watch Carrot.
725
00:34:30,069 --> 00:34:31,070
Yeah, Brick,
do you want to watch Carrot?
726
00:34:31,154 --> 00:34:32,155
Carrot's on?
727
00:34:32,655 --> 00:34:33,656
That's all it takes.
728
00:34:33,740 --> 00:34:36,409
- Is this for real, Freddie?
- Linda, I'm sorry.
729
00:34:36,534 --> 00:34:38,035
No, it's okay! It's okay.
730
00:34:38,161 --> 00:34:40,913
So you have a black boss,
and it's freaking you out.
731
00:34:40,997 --> 00:34:42,039
Is it freaking you out?
732
00:34:42,165 --> 00:34:43,458
Oh, my gosh, yes.
733
00:34:43,541 --> 00:34:44,667
Yes, we're feeling uncomfortable.
734
00:34:44,751 --> 00:34:45,918
This freaking you out?
735
00:34:46,043 --> 00:34:47,295
Just take my wallet.
736
00:34:47,378 --> 00:34:48,880
I don't give a shit!
737
00:34:49,005 --> 00:34:51,340
We're not all here to hold hands
and sing Kumbaya.
738
00:34:52,175 --> 00:34:53,843
So as long as you guys get numbers,
739
00:34:53,926 --> 00:34:56,012
we are gonna get along just fine.
740
00:34:56,512 --> 00:34:58,890
Now, if you don't, I am gonna be icy.
741
00:34:59,682 --> 00:35:01,017
And unpleasant, you dig?
742
00:35:01,267 --> 00:35:02,685
I dig.
743
00:35:02,852 --> 00:35:04,353
What does that mean?
744
00:35:04,687 --> 00:35:06,063
Could be a dance.
745
00:35:06,355 --> 00:35:09,358
We dig. We're no jive turkeys.
746
00:35:09,609 --> 00:35:11,527
Yup, we dig it.
747
00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:15,031
Well, if you gentlemen will
please excuse yourselves,
748
00:35:15,198 --> 00:35:17,366
I'm going to fry me some hush puppies
749
00:35:17,533 --> 00:35:19,118
and do me a little dance
750
00:35:19,368 --> 00:35:20,787
and go hang out with my boyfriend,
751
00:35:20,870 --> 00:35:23,539
the basketball player who
has a humongous donkey.
752
00:35:25,124 --> 00:35:28,044
We hope you two
have a wonderful time.
753
00:35:28,711 --> 00:35:30,213
That was a joke.
754
00:35:35,259 --> 00:35:36,260
Of course it was!
755
00:35:37,094 --> 00:35:39,138
I knew it. I knew she was joking.
756
00:35:39,222 --> 00:35:40,223
Get out.
757
00:35:40,723 --> 00:35:42,475
What team do you think
the fella plays for?
758
00:35:42,642 --> 00:35:44,811
No, no, she was kidding.
She made it clear.
759
00:35:45,061 --> 00:35:47,104
That's why I made jokes about us.
760
00:35:47,605 --> 00:35:51,609
Guys. Guys, I got you an apartment
761
00:35:52,109 --> 00:35:54,862
on the Upper East Side
and a whole new wardrobe.
762
00:35:54,946 --> 00:35:57,782
That's wonderful! When
do we begin our broadcast?
763
00:35:58,241 --> 00:35:59,742
Well, the big launch is tomorrow
764
00:35:59,826 --> 00:36:01,285
- at 12:00 noon.
- Okay.
765
00:36:01,661 --> 00:36:05,248
You guys are slotted for
the 2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.
766
00:36:05,832 --> 00:36:09,085
What? That's the graveyard shift!
767
00:36:09,210 --> 00:36:10,753
"I ain't afraid of no ghost."
768
00:36:11,170 --> 00:36:12,421
This is a real shocker, Freddie.
769
00:36:12,672 --> 00:36:14,215
Hey, after that meeting,
770
00:36:14,423 --> 00:36:16,133
you're lucky you weren't fired!
771
00:36:16,509 --> 00:36:19,387
You wouldn't
stop saying the word black.
772
00:36:19,929 --> 00:36:22,139
I'm of the right mind to march
right back in there and ask
773
00:36:22,223 --> 00:36:23,224
for a different time slot.
774
00:36:23,307 --> 00:36:24,684
- That's a good idea.
- Okay, okay.
775
00:36:24,767 --> 00:36:27,019
I'll let you go in
if you can just not say black.
776
00:36:29,981 --> 00:36:32,316
- Black. Nope.
- See.
777
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:34,569
- She did it too.
- She did what?
778
00:36:34,777 --> 00:36:35,778
A two-way street.
779
00:36:35,862 --> 00:36:37,154
Yeah, double-edged sword here.
780
00:36:37,405 --> 00:36:39,115
It's a two-way double-edged sword.
781
00:36:39,198 --> 00:36:40,199
It's only one way.
782
00:36:40,283 --> 00:36:42,368
- That clears it up.
- Great.
783
00:36:43,035 --> 00:36:45,121
Let's get your keys. Come on!
784
00:36:47,707 --> 00:36:49,292
Is there booze in the apartment?
785
00:36:49,375 --> 00:36:50,626
Of course there's gonna be booze.
786
00:37:14,859 --> 00:37:17,361
What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!
787
00:37:18,362 --> 00:37:20,615
Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
788
00:37:21,449 --> 00:37:23,451
Your job is to answer the phones.
789
00:37:23,868 --> 00:37:25,036
I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.
790
00:37:25,119 --> 00:37:26,329
When is that again?
791
00:37:26,412 --> 00:37:29,665
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?
792
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:32,543
Yeah.
793
00:37:33,628 --> 00:37:34,629
Merry Christmas.
794
00:37:35,212 --> 00:37:36,213
Thanks.
795
00:37:37,673 --> 00:37:39,342
One time I threw a pool ball
as hard as I could,
796
00:37:39,425 --> 00:37:43,054
straight up into the air,
and then forgot I threw it.
797
00:37:43,679 --> 00:37:45,723
I started to eat a tomato
from my back pocket,
798
00:37:45,806 --> 00:37:47,808
then the pool ball came down
and hit me in the head.
799
00:37:48,059 --> 00:37:49,644
It hurt so much I ran around screaming,
800
00:37:49,727 --> 00:37:51,479
"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!"
801
00:37:52,313 --> 00:37:53,856
I love stories about France.
802
00:37:54,607 --> 00:37:56,734
I love stories where skeletons
play the piano.
803
00:37:59,654 --> 00:38:01,739
I'm Brick. I was dead last week.
804
00:38:01,822 --> 00:38:03,157
I'm Chani.
805
00:38:03,449 --> 00:38:06,452
I like the parts of your face
806
00:38:06,869 --> 00:38:09,872
that are covered with skin.
807
00:38:10,247 --> 00:38:12,583
Your hair looks like
wet popcorn in a fishing net.
808
00:38:13,626 --> 00:38:17,171
I just get out of the shower
and burn it a little.
809
00:38:18,255 --> 00:38:19,507
Can you do this?
810
00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:27,556
That's good.
811
00:38:39,235 --> 00:38:40,861
- I liked this.
- Me too.
812
00:38:41,278 --> 00:38:42,613
- What we did.
- Yeah?
813
00:38:42,697 --> 00:38:44,573
- You.
- And you.
814
00:38:48,786 --> 00:38:49,912
You're very pretty.
815
00:38:50,788 --> 00:38:52,289
Come on, Brick.
816
00:38:55,251 --> 00:38:56,794
Damn it, Chani! I'm not
picking up that phone again.
817
00:38:56,877 --> 00:38:57,878
You pick it up!
818
00:38:58,713 --> 00:39:01,132
- You pick it up, Chani!
- No.
819
00:39:03,759 --> 00:39:06,137
Chani, not today. No, not today, Chani.
820
00:39:06,470 --> 00:39:09,598
- It's been a tough day.
- ...really crazy day.
821
00:39:09,807 --> 00:39:10,850
For everybody.
822
00:39:12,101 --> 00:39:14,437
- I think I'm pregnant.
- No. You're not pregnant.
823
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,023
You said it a number of times.
I don't think it's true.
824
00:39:20,985 --> 00:39:22,611
- My water broke.
- No, it didn't.
825
00:39:23,612 --> 00:39:25,990
You spilled water
from that glass on the ground.
826
00:39:29,201 --> 00:39:30,327
Chani.
827
00:39:33,748 --> 00:39:36,125
Okay, from here on out, starting now,
828
00:39:36,250 --> 00:39:38,627
when the phone rings, you pick
up the phone. You say hello.
829
00:39:38,878 --> 00:39:40,713
Hello. I'm going to transfer you.
830
00:39:41,005 --> 00:39:43,966
It didn't ring that time,
Chani. Nobody was there.
831
00:39:44,842 --> 00:39:46,385
Nobody was there.
832
00:40:23,214 --> 00:40:25,382
Surprise! Big Daddy's back.
833
00:40:25,591 --> 00:40:26,759
Ron.
834
00:40:28,177 --> 00:40:29,595
What are you doing here?
835
00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:32,515
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.
836
00:40:32,932 --> 00:40:35,101
I really wish that
you would have called first.
837
00:40:35,476 --> 00:40:37,895
Look, it doesn't matter whose
fault the break-up was, okay?
838
00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:39,522
I was stubborn.
839
00:40:39,605 --> 00:40:41,690
You were all slutty with Mack Tannen
840
00:40:41,774 --> 00:40:43,776
slinging your ass around in that office.
841
00:40:44,151 --> 00:40:46,779
I played it with calm, cool integrity.
842
00:40:46,987 --> 00:40:49,573
But who cares?
We're not keeping score.
843
00:40:49,657 --> 00:40:50,991
What's your point, Ron?
844
00:40:51,408 --> 00:40:53,077
The point is...
845
00:40:53,494 --> 00:40:55,579
I'm back home.
846
00:40:55,913 --> 00:40:57,832
And I want to spend the rest of my life...
847
00:40:57,915 --> 00:40:59,125
Honey, who is it?
848
00:41:05,422 --> 00:41:08,092
Hi, Ron. I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.
849
00:41:09,552 --> 00:41:11,887
It's okay. It's the '80s.
850
00:41:12,054 --> 00:41:14,140
She's your ex. She's my lover.
851
00:41:14,390 --> 00:41:15,933
Let's go inside.
852
00:41:16,350 --> 00:41:17,685
Why are you smiling so much?
853
00:41:17,852 --> 00:41:20,980
Because I'm happy.
Because we're lovers.
854
00:41:21,397 --> 00:41:22,690
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
855
00:41:22,982 --> 00:41:23,983
No one's that happy.
856
00:41:24,525 --> 00:41:26,152
- Would you like to come in?
- Do you want to come in?
857
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,405
Great. And I have no problem
with your situation.
858
00:41:39,582 --> 00:41:42,585
So, is that a gift for me, Ron?
859
00:41:42,835 --> 00:41:44,837
No, it's not.
860
00:41:46,005 --> 00:41:47,006
It's for Walter.
861
00:41:47,256 --> 00:41:48,340
Okay.
862
00:41:48,424 --> 00:41:50,426
So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?
863
00:41:50,676 --> 00:41:55,514
Ron. You walked out on me.
What did you expect me to do?
864
00:41:56,056 --> 00:41:57,600
Just sit here and
wait for you to come back?
865
00:41:57,725 --> 00:41:59,351
Here's a news flash.
You would have been waiting for
866
00:41:59,435 --> 00:42:00,936
the rest of your life
because we are done.
867
00:42:01,395 --> 00:42:02,855
All right. Good.
868
00:42:02,938 --> 00:42:05,608
In fact, I've a got a new lover.
869
00:42:05,858 --> 00:42:07,234
Oh, what's her name?
870
00:42:07,693 --> 00:42:10,529
My lady?
871
00:42:10,946 --> 00:42:14,783
Her name is...
Her name's Rick Volcano.
872
00:42:15,576 --> 00:42:19,747
Really? Her name's Rick Volcano?
873
00:42:20,456 --> 00:42:22,291
Yes, she's from Easter Island!
874
00:42:22,416 --> 00:42:23,459
Okay.
875
00:42:23,542 --> 00:42:26,587
Ron, this is awkward I know.
876
00:42:26,879 --> 00:42:29,924
Sitting here with your wife.
We make love.
877
00:42:30,299 --> 00:42:33,385
I'm this close to taking an ax handle
to that face of yours.
878
00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:34,762
Oh, Ron!
879
00:42:35,054 --> 00:42:36,805
So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?
880
00:42:37,056 --> 00:42:38,641
Have you done
a background check on him?
881
00:42:38,724 --> 00:42:41,602
Gary is actually one
of the most successful
882
00:42:42,144 --> 00:42:43,479
psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
883
00:42:43,604 --> 00:42:44,647
Really sweet.
884
00:42:45,147 --> 00:42:46,649
Are you reading my mind right now?
885
00:42:46,732 --> 00:42:49,568
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?
886
00:42:49,818 --> 00:42:52,321
Yes. Yes, I do, Gary.
887
00:42:52,571 --> 00:42:56,075
You perform in nightclubs
with a dummy on your lap.
888
00:42:56,242 --> 00:42:59,328
You make his mouth move.
You're so believable.
889
00:42:59,453 --> 00:43:01,247
Actually I have respect for your talent.
890
00:43:01,330 --> 00:43:02,498
I don't know how you do it
891
00:43:02,581 --> 00:43:03,999
because you're talking out
of the side of your mouth
892
00:43:04,124 --> 00:43:05,167
and yet it sounds like the dummy's...
893
00:43:05,292 --> 00:43:06,418
You bring that dummy to life.
894
00:43:06,502 --> 00:43:08,796
Do you really think that a psychologist
895
00:43:09,171 --> 00:43:10,923
is a ventriloquist?
896
00:43:12,007 --> 00:43:13,342
Fuck you.
897
00:43:14,468 --> 00:43:15,469
Ron!
898
00:43:15,844 --> 00:43:17,012
- It's okay.
- You stop that!
899
00:43:17,179 --> 00:43:18,514
He's externalizing. That's okay.
900
00:43:18,597 --> 00:43:20,432
- No, it's not okay.
- He's mad.
901
00:43:20,808 --> 00:43:22,351
You knew I was going
to throw that punch
902
00:43:22,476 --> 00:43:24,270
'cause you're reading my mind!
903
00:43:25,354 --> 00:43:27,273
Mom! I'm home!
904
00:43:27,481 --> 00:43:28,774
- Hey, little guy.
- Hey, darling.
905
00:43:29,024 --> 00:43:30,776
- Hi, Walter.
- Hey, Dad.
906
00:43:31,694 --> 00:43:33,028
I missed you!
907
00:43:33,195 --> 00:43:35,531
Walter, your father has a gift for you.
908
00:43:35,823 --> 00:43:39,326
I have a gift specifically for you, Walter.
909
00:43:40,661 --> 00:43:41,787
There's a little card on there.
910
00:43:41,870 --> 00:43:42,871
Do you want to read it, kiddo?
911
00:43:43,038 --> 00:43:46,208
Yes. Show us how well
you're doing in school.
912
00:43:48,210 --> 00:43:50,879
"To my dearest sex angel."
913
00:43:51,046 --> 00:43:52,881
Okay, I actually believe that
that's for me.
914
00:43:53,007 --> 00:43:54,174
Hold on. Let the boy finish.
915
00:43:54,383 --> 00:43:55,884
- Ron.
- There's more.
916
00:43:56,010 --> 00:43:59,513
"I long once again to be
intertwined in your limbs.
917
00:44:00,180 --> 00:44:02,558
"Exchanging hot breath with you.
918
00:44:03,058 --> 00:44:06,562
"I want to have another child with you."
919
00:44:07,146 --> 00:44:10,357
Mom, I didn't know
little boys could have babies.
920
00:44:10,524 --> 00:44:14,570
No, darling. I believe that
letter was for someone else.
921
00:44:14,987 --> 00:44:15,988
Go ahead, open up your gift.
922
00:44:16,905 --> 00:44:18,032
There you go.
923
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:19,366
Yes, Gary.
924
00:44:24,580 --> 00:44:26,248
Okay, that's actually for me, Walter.
925
00:44:26,540 --> 00:44:30,210
No, it's not. It's for Walter.
It's a superhero costume.
926
00:44:30,544 --> 00:44:31,754
What is it?
927
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,590
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.
928
00:44:34,757 --> 00:44:36,925
I'm going to be Lace Man!
929
00:44:37,217 --> 00:44:38,927
Look, Ron. Joint custody isn't easy.
930
00:44:39,011 --> 00:44:40,387
But what we need to do is
931
00:44:40,554 --> 00:44:43,098
rally around this little guy
right now, okay?
932
00:44:43,432 --> 00:44:44,767
That's never gonna happen.
933
00:44:45,059 --> 00:44:46,060
Excuse me?
934
00:44:46,268 --> 00:44:48,437
Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!
935
00:44:48,729 --> 00:44:49,938
Need I remind you, Ron,
936
00:44:50,064 --> 00:44:53,192
that you tried to put
our six-year-old son on welfare?
937
00:44:53,275 --> 00:44:54,610
He's a perfect applicant!
938
00:44:54,943 --> 00:44:57,946
He's unemployed. If it wasn't
for us he'd be homeless.
939
00:44:58,447 --> 00:44:59,948
Do you ever hear yourself?
940
00:45:00,532 --> 00:45:02,368
All right, let's keep it civil
in front of the boy.
941
00:45:03,452 --> 00:45:06,038
It's bad enough his mother
pulled a train on KISS.
942
00:45:06,205 --> 00:45:09,083
- I was in college!
- Get your things! Let's go.
943
00:45:09,249 --> 00:45:10,209
Fine. I'm out of here.
944
00:45:10,292 --> 00:45:11,794
- Don't have to tell me twice.
- Get your things.
945
00:45:11,919 --> 00:45:14,380
- We'll see you guys later.
- Yes, you will.
946
00:45:14,463 --> 00:45:16,965
Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.
947
00:45:17,216 --> 00:45:19,593
Goodbye, Walter. My little man.
948
00:45:20,427 --> 00:45:22,471
You promise to do good in school, okay.
949
00:45:22,721 --> 00:45:23,722
Okay.
950
00:45:23,806 --> 00:45:25,974
And stay away from the he-shes
down in the Bowery.
951
00:45:26,225 --> 00:45:28,060
Ron. I don't think that's appropriate.
952
00:45:28,227 --> 00:45:30,813
I'll tell you, those fellas,
they got the looks,
953
00:45:30,896 --> 00:45:33,315
they got curves, they got the chi-chi's,
954
00:45:33,482 --> 00:45:34,733
they smell great,
955
00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:36,819
and then at some point
in the evening you realize
956
00:45:36,944 --> 00:45:39,488
Jacqueline isn't Jacqueline,
she's a Jake.
957
00:45:39,613 --> 00:45:40,656
Okay.
958
00:45:40,739 --> 00:45:41,824
Then you got a decision.
959
00:45:41,907 --> 00:45:44,493
You're either going to be rude
or belly up to the bar
960
00:45:44,618 --> 00:45:47,329
for a couple of more belts
and make the best of it.
961
00:45:47,454 --> 00:45:48,914
Do you hear what I'm saying, Walter?
962
00:45:49,081 --> 00:45:50,332
Yes, I do.
963
00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:55,504
Plug it in, Scotty, let it go.
964
00:45:55,921 --> 00:45:57,256
Ladies and gentlemen,
965
00:45:57,339 --> 00:46:00,467
we are officially connected to the world!
966
00:46:02,136 --> 00:46:03,262
Wow!
967
00:46:06,348 --> 00:46:08,183
Look at all those other
countries and people...
968
00:46:09,768 --> 00:46:11,854
Makes you feel small.
969
00:46:12,354 --> 00:46:14,523
Hundreds of thousands of people,
970
00:46:14,815 --> 00:46:16,650
all speaking jibber-jabber,
971
00:46:16,859 --> 00:46:18,610
not understanding a word of each other,
972
00:46:18,861 --> 00:46:21,155
yet somehow interconnected.
973
00:46:21,530 --> 00:46:23,532
It's a big world!
974
00:46:24,366 --> 00:46:28,203
It's a big world
975
00:46:29,413 --> 00:46:34,042
Much, much bigger
than you'd ever think
976
00:46:35,919 --> 00:46:40,340
It's a big world
977
00:46:41,091 --> 00:46:47,931
Full of cities, mountains
and lots of different stinks
978
00:46:49,725 --> 00:46:50,976
There's brown people
White people
979
00:46:51,143 --> 00:46:52,144
- Yellows
- Even reds!
980
00:46:52,394 --> 00:46:54,563
A thousand ways for
the word donut to be said
981
00:46:54,938 --> 00:46:57,566
- There's tacos, sushi
- Chop suey, pita bread
982
00:46:57,858 --> 00:47:02,029
Big world
Big world
983
00:47:02,404 --> 00:47:07,159
Anyone who says it's small
should be kicked in the head!
984
00:47:10,704 --> 00:47:12,080
There's karate people!
985
00:47:12,331 --> 00:47:13,332
Big world!
986
00:47:13,749 --> 00:47:14,833
Scarfy headed ladies
987
00:47:14,958 --> 00:47:15,959
Big world
988
00:47:16,251 --> 00:47:17,711
Ladies having private time
989
00:47:17,794 --> 00:47:18,795
Big world
990
00:47:18,921 --> 00:47:20,130
A skinny guy!
991
00:47:20,214 --> 00:47:21,757
Big world
992
00:47:22,674 --> 00:47:26,094
Wait a minute.
You're not black or Asian.
993
00:47:26,220 --> 00:47:27,554
What are you?
994
00:47:27,721 --> 00:47:28,847
I'm gay.
995
00:47:29,139 --> 00:47:30,641
Hey! You forgot to whisper.
996
00:47:30,933 --> 00:47:33,060
I'm not hiding it. I'm openly gay.
997
00:47:33,644 --> 00:47:37,814
"Openly gay"? I'm not familiar
with that term.
998
00:47:38,273 --> 00:47:39,858
I'm not ashamed of who I am and
999
00:47:40,192 --> 00:47:41,443
I decided to tell everyone.
1000
00:47:41,568 --> 00:47:44,321
I'm having a hard time wrapping
my head around this one.
1001
00:47:44,488 --> 00:47:46,156
Do you eat gay food?
1002
00:47:46,823 --> 00:47:48,659
What's the gayest food you can name?
1003
00:47:49,618 --> 00:47:50,744
Kiwis.
1004
00:47:50,953 --> 00:47:54,164
- Do you sleep in a coffin?
- No, that's vampires.
1005
00:47:54,456 --> 00:47:56,458
Are you allowed to be out in the sun?
1006
00:47:56,625 --> 00:47:59,545
- Those are also vampires.
- Are you a vampire?
1007
00:47:59,670 --> 00:48:00,671
No, I'm gay.
1008
00:48:01,129 --> 00:48:04,633
If someone puts a pill in your
drink, can they turn you gay?
1009
00:48:05,092 --> 00:48:06,426
Maybe temporarily.
1010
00:48:06,593 --> 00:48:08,428
Where do you get those pills?
1011
00:48:08,804 --> 00:48:12,516
I wonder what it'd be like to
be gay... Just for a day?
1012
00:48:13,392 --> 00:48:15,894
If I was gay for a day
1013
00:48:16,311 --> 00:48:18,021
There's nothing I wouldn't say
1014
00:48:19,106 --> 00:48:20,941
That's the gay way
1015
00:48:21,358 --> 00:48:25,821
If I was gay for a day
I'd go all the way
1016
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:27,531
With guys
1017
00:48:29,449 --> 00:48:30,867
That's the gay way
1018
00:48:31,159 --> 00:48:35,414
I'd wear a cowboy hat
A nice three-piece suit
1019
00:48:35,789 --> 00:48:39,459
I'd talk about sports
and have a nice drink
1020
00:48:40,669 --> 00:48:43,171
Champ. That's kind of what you do now.
1021
00:48:44,548 --> 00:48:46,633
That's the gay way
1022
00:48:46,842 --> 00:48:51,346
If I was gay for a day
I'd get bitten by a spider
1023
00:48:51,888 --> 00:48:55,601
And then I would have
the powers of that spider
1024
00:48:55,976 --> 00:49:00,147
I'd climb walls
I'd shoot web from my wrists
1025
00:49:00,856 --> 00:49:05,402
And I'd save the girl in distress
1026
00:49:05,861 --> 00:49:09,114
Gay! Gay! Gay!
1027
00:49:10,407 --> 00:49:12,701
I think he thinks
gay means being Spider-Man.
1028
00:49:14,244 --> 00:49:16,913
I don't know how you would
confuse those two things.
1029
00:49:17,372 --> 00:49:22,628
It's a big world
Big world
1030
00:49:23,170 --> 00:49:25,547
Much bigger than you think
1031
00:49:26,298 --> 00:49:30,719
Big, big, big, big, big, big,
big, big, big, big, big
1032
00:49:30,969 --> 00:49:35,474
Big, big...
1033
00:49:37,392 --> 00:49:42,189
World
1034
00:49:48,195 --> 00:49:50,614
Launch in five! Let's get back to work.
1035
00:49:51,114 --> 00:49:53,992
- Better go check the AP wire.
- Yeah. Haven't got much time.
1036
00:49:54,201 --> 00:49:55,577
I'm gonna check the box scores.
1037
00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:59,581
There's Lime!
1038
00:49:59,665 --> 00:50:02,501
Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!
1039
00:50:03,335 --> 00:50:06,004
Man, there's just something
about him, you know?
1040
00:50:06,296 --> 00:50:08,298
I'd give anything to be friends with him.
1041
00:50:08,674 --> 00:50:10,967
I don't see what
the big deal is, you know.
1042
00:50:11,259 --> 00:50:12,552
He's not that great.
1043
00:50:14,262 --> 00:50:15,514
What did you say?
1044
00:50:16,223 --> 00:50:17,557
What's that?
1045
00:50:17,766 --> 00:50:19,184
I heard you say something.
1046
00:50:20,602 --> 00:50:22,938
Oh, what did I say? Oh, nothing.
1047
00:50:23,271 --> 00:50:24,773
Oh, no. I heard you say something.
1048
00:50:25,023 --> 00:50:26,525
He said you're not that great!
1049
00:50:26,608 --> 00:50:27,609
Brick!
1050
00:50:27,734 --> 00:50:29,277
Is that what you said about me?
1051
00:50:29,611 --> 00:50:31,029
- He's coming over here.
- I know!
1052
00:50:31,279 --> 00:50:32,948
I'm gonna rip this guy in half.
1053
00:50:33,782 --> 00:50:36,118
No, no, no! Just give me
a little piece of him.
1054
00:50:36,576 --> 00:50:38,495
Jack, look, it's just...
1055
00:50:41,039 --> 00:50:44,835
Here's the thing, the guys,
they just go gaga over you
1056
00:50:44,918 --> 00:50:49,798
and I don't know, I felt jealous.
1057
00:50:50,173 --> 00:50:52,092
Yeah, tough guy.
1058
00:50:52,217 --> 00:50:54,302
You feeling tough today, huh?
Are you a big man?
1059
00:50:54,386 --> 00:50:56,096
Oh, I'm not a big man.
1060
00:50:56,513 --> 00:50:59,182
Look, I said some stupid stuff
and it'll never happen again.
1061
00:51:00,100 --> 00:51:01,601
Oh, my God, are you going to cry?
1062
00:51:03,854 --> 00:51:04,855
You're going to cry.
1063
00:51:05,439 --> 00:51:08,024
He's going to cry. Everyone,
look at his face! Am I wrong?
1064
00:51:08,442 --> 00:51:09,901
He's going to cry, isn't he?
1065
00:51:10,402 --> 00:51:11,945
No, I'm not about to cry.
1066
00:51:12,195 --> 00:51:15,407
Oh, come on, cry! Do it!
Do it, please do it! Cry.
1067
00:51:15,782 --> 00:51:18,076
- Are you going to cry, Ron?
- No!
1068
00:51:18,493 --> 00:51:21,455
Cry! Cry! Cry!
1069
00:51:22,831 --> 00:51:25,792
Man, oh, man, I'm so happy
he's not picking on me.
1070
00:51:26,168 --> 00:51:29,212
3, 2, 1, cry! 3, 2, 1, cry!
1071
00:51:31,423 --> 00:51:33,800
Shut up! Just shut up!
1072
00:51:34,634 --> 00:51:37,304
Just shut your mouth... Jack Lame!
1073
00:51:41,725 --> 00:51:45,103
Yeah, Mr. Butt Vagina
has got some fight in him.
1074
00:51:45,896 --> 00:51:48,648
This is bullying and everyone knows it!
1075
00:51:49,065 --> 00:51:51,526
You just called him Jack Lame.
That's not nice.
1076
00:51:51,735 --> 00:51:53,445
He just called me Butt Vagina!
1077
00:51:54,529 --> 00:52:01,036
It's funny, aren't you the guy
who lost his job to his wife?
1078
00:52:03,747 --> 00:52:05,290
Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?
1079
00:52:10,504 --> 00:52:11,838
All right, guys, that's enough.
1080
00:52:12,088 --> 00:52:13,381
No, shut up, Freddie!
1081
00:52:13,465 --> 00:52:15,050
Let me handle this one.
1082
00:52:15,634 --> 00:52:17,594
- You listen to me.
- Yeah.
1083
00:52:18,345 --> 00:52:21,640
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.
1084
00:52:23,934 --> 00:52:26,019
I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep it together.
1085
00:52:26,102 --> 00:52:29,564
No, no, no. Don't do this.
You're on at 2:00 a.m.
1086
00:52:29,689 --> 00:52:31,066
Jack has prime time!
1087
00:52:31,149 --> 00:52:33,985
Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.
1088
00:52:34,236 --> 00:52:37,239
I'll take that bet. What are the stakes?
1089
00:52:37,823 --> 00:52:40,617
If we lose, I'll leave New York.
1090
00:52:41,868 --> 00:52:43,495
And I'll never read the news again.
1091
00:52:45,205 --> 00:52:46,623
Stop going "Ooh."
1092
00:52:47,165 --> 00:52:50,168
And if by some snowball's
chance in hell
1093
00:52:50,293 --> 00:52:51,878
Mr. Mustache here
1094
00:52:52,128 --> 00:52:53,463
pulls a miracle out of his ass?
1095
00:52:55,006 --> 00:52:59,344
You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.
1096
00:52:59,803 --> 00:53:03,306
I like this! You're on, Stretch.
1097
00:53:03,515 --> 00:53:05,016
Everyone heard him?
1098
00:53:05,100 --> 00:53:06,518
- Freddie, you heard him?
- Yeah. I heard him.
1099
00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:09,938
- This is on like Pong.
- Okay. Good.
1100
00:53:14,985 --> 00:53:17,195
Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron?
1101
00:53:17,445 --> 00:53:19,698
We've got the graveyard shift!
We don't have a chance!
1102
00:53:19,990 --> 00:53:22,951
- Cry! Cry! Cry! Cry!
- Brick.
1103
00:53:23,243 --> 00:53:26,538
Everyone did it.
It's actually a mean thing.
1104
00:53:27,664 --> 00:53:31,084
Good day, everyone! Well, yeah,
I'm Kench Allenby.
1105
00:53:31,418 --> 00:53:35,130
But this 24-hour news station,
this is history.
1106
00:53:35,463 --> 00:53:38,300
This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.
1107
00:53:38,508 --> 00:53:40,343
In the case of Australia, my motherland,
1108
00:53:40,427 --> 00:53:42,429
mad rapists and thieves
1109
00:53:42,637 --> 00:53:45,640
being dragged to some
devil island in chains.
1110
00:53:46,391 --> 00:53:47,684
Getting homesick.
1111
00:53:48,226 --> 00:53:50,186
But our captain on
this incredible voyage
1112
00:53:50,729 --> 00:53:54,107
is the best newsman in America,
Mr. Jack Lime!
1113
00:53:55,025 --> 00:53:56,985
Go get 'em, Jack!
1114
00:53:57,903 --> 00:54:00,447
- Didgeridoo!
- He's such an Aussie.
1115
00:54:00,530 --> 00:54:01,531
I love this guy.
1116
00:54:01,823 --> 00:54:04,784
You know this bloke here,
he is the best man I've ever met.
1117
00:54:05,201 --> 00:54:06,870
And you know, as I've always said,
1118
00:54:06,953 --> 00:54:09,205
if Jack Lime doesn't like you,
well then, brother,
1119
00:54:09,331 --> 00:54:11,374
you're a real piece of shit.
1120
00:54:19,090 --> 00:54:21,217
Good luck to Jack Lime!
1121
00:54:21,885 --> 00:54:24,054
Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!
1122
00:54:24,596 --> 00:54:27,015
Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.
1123
00:54:29,017 --> 00:54:30,560
Getting nervous there, compadre?
1124
00:54:31,770 --> 00:54:32,938
Let's do this.
1125
00:54:33,188 --> 00:54:35,357
Did you see him spin
on that desk? So great.
1126
00:54:35,857 --> 00:54:37,442
All right. Quiet on the floor, please.
1127
00:54:37,692 --> 00:54:38,985
What a day.
1128
00:54:39,444 --> 00:54:42,238
I bit into the donut and it was full of shit.
1129
00:54:47,494 --> 00:54:48,745
All right.
1130
00:54:48,828 --> 00:54:50,455
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.
1131
00:54:50,538 --> 00:54:52,165
In five, four,
1132
00:54:53,041 --> 00:54:54,209
three, two...
1133
00:54:55,961 --> 00:54:58,630
Good day, and welcome to GNN.
1134
00:54:58,964 --> 00:55:01,091
Thank you for joining us
on what we believe to be
1135
00:55:01,174 --> 00:55:02,801
a whole new era of news.
1136
00:55:03,009 --> 00:55:05,887
I'm Jack Lime, your guide
for this journey of events
1137
00:55:05,971 --> 00:55:07,263
we humbly call
1138
00:55:07,347 --> 00:55:08,640
24-hour news.
1139
00:55:08,723 --> 00:55:10,976
Today's top story, Mount St. Helens.
1140
00:55:11,059 --> 00:55:13,895
Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.
1141
00:55:13,979 --> 00:55:17,357
Really? Just remember you said that
about margarine, Tony.
1142
00:55:17,857 --> 00:55:19,192
Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...
1143
00:55:19,359 --> 00:55:21,069
That Jack Lime is one hell of an anchor.
1144
00:55:22,362 --> 00:55:26,783
He actually slept with two of
my daughters but he is good.
1145
00:55:28,118 --> 00:55:29,285
Let's see here.
1146
00:55:29,369 --> 00:55:30,829
"Global temperatures rise half a degree,
1147
00:55:30,912 --> 00:55:33,123
"alarm climate scientists." Boring.
1148
00:55:33,707 --> 00:55:34,874
"China could dominate
1149
00:55:34,958 --> 00:55:36,459
"the world economy in the next decade."
1150
00:55:37,252 --> 00:55:40,088
We run that story and
you'll be hungry a half hour later.
1151
00:55:41,464 --> 00:55:42,716
Anyone else?
1152
00:55:42,966 --> 00:55:45,885
I got some nonsense here about
the Iran Hostage Crisis.
1153
00:55:47,053 --> 00:55:48,054
I feel like a nap.
1154
00:55:48,388 --> 00:55:52,559
What's this? Save 12 cents on
macaroni and cheddar dinner.
1155
00:55:53,852 --> 00:55:54,853
Brick, I believe that's a coupon.
1156
00:55:55,854 --> 00:55:58,189
I think I've got
a really good story here, guys.
1157
00:55:59,024 --> 00:56:00,567
"During my mid-morning bath
1158
00:56:00,650 --> 00:56:03,194
"I could feel the gardener's
gaze upon me
1159
00:56:03,278 --> 00:56:05,113
"through the open bathroom window."
1160
00:56:05,196 --> 00:56:06,740
But that's Penthouse Forum.
1161
00:56:06,990 --> 00:56:07,991
You just interrupted him!
1162
00:56:08,116 --> 00:56:09,701
It's a really good story, Freddie.
1163
00:56:09,951 --> 00:56:10,952
It's not news.
1164
00:56:11,119 --> 00:56:12,454
It's news to me.
1165
00:56:12,704 --> 00:56:15,248
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.
1166
00:56:16,082 --> 00:56:19,002
All we're trying to do here, Freddie,
is make the news less boring,
1167
00:56:19,085 --> 00:56:21,546
and you act like we took a runny dump
1168
00:56:21,629 --> 00:56:23,173
in your fishing boots.
1169
00:56:23,465 --> 00:56:25,884
The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!
1170
00:56:26,009 --> 00:56:27,552
This is serious stuff.
1171
00:56:27,927 --> 00:56:30,096
You're the one
that made this stupid bet!
1172
00:56:30,221 --> 00:56:33,558
I just don't know why
we have to tell the people
1173
00:56:33,641 --> 00:56:35,351
what they need to hear.
1174
00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:38,104
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
1175
00:56:39,564 --> 00:56:41,232
Wait, wait, wait.
1176
00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:43,902
Say that again.
1177
00:56:44,110 --> 00:56:46,529
Tell them want ear. Feed to ear.
1178
00:56:47,072 --> 00:56:48,990
No, I was talking to Ron.
1179
00:56:49,240 --> 00:56:52,368
I said, why do we have to tell the people
1180
00:56:52,452 --> 00:56:54,245
what they need to hear?
1181
00:56:55,038 --> 00:56:57,207
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
1182
00:56:57,499 --> 00:56:59,334
And what do they want to hear, Ron?
1183
00:56:59,501 --> 00:57:02,504
That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.
1184
00:57:02,837 --> 00:57:05,423
- Damn straight!
- Made him happy.
1185
00:57:05,757 --> 00:57:07,801
And we should do stories on patriots.
1186
00:57:08,218 --> 00:57:11,137
Diet fads or
favorite Halloween costumes.
1187
00:57:11,596 --> 00:57:14,265
Why blondes have more fun.
1188
00:57:14,641 --> 00:57:16,309
And serious investigative pieces,
1189
00:57:16,434 --> 00:57:18,937
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.
1190
00:57:19,062 --> 00:57:21,064
And only the best sports highlights.
1191
00:57:21,481 --> 00:57:24,818
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.
1192
00:57:25,110 --> 00:57:26,277
I like the wind!
1193
00:57:26,486 --> 00:57:28,488
Brick's right. People love hurricanes.
1194
00:57:28,571 --> 00:57:30,031
Tornados, earthquakes, floods,
1195
00:57:30,281 --> 00:57:31,950
we'll throw Brick right in the middle of it.
1196
00:57:32,158 --> 00:57:34,953
No, this goes against every rule
1197
00:57:35,036 --> 00:57:37,455
of broadcast journalism I know.
1198
00:57:38,039 --> 00:57:41,501
Freddie, my old friend
Pat Summerall once told me,
1199
00:57:41,626 --> 00:57:43,086
"You've got to break a few eggs
1200
00:57:43,169 --> 00:57:44,838
"when you're swinging a sledge hammer
1201
00:57:44,921 --> 00:57:46,172
"down at the bus station."
1202
00:57:46,339 --> 00:57:48,424
Damn straight! Let's break stuff!
1203
00:57:49,425 --> 00:57:51,094
We got 10 hours till we go on.
1204
00:57:51,177 --> 00:57:52,428
We'll only need eight!
1205
00:58:28,381 --> 00:58:30,717
- Is that candy?
- I don't know.
1206
00:58:37,223 --> 00:58:38,224
It is candy.
1207
00:58:39,350 --> 00:58:41,686
- I like you.
- I like you.
1208
00:58:42,478 --> 00:58:44,147
Tell me something about you.
1209
00:58:44,397 --> 00:58:45,940
Well, I never have to get a haircut
1210
00:58:46,107 --> 00:58:47,483
because my hair naturally sheds.
1211
00:58:47,984 --> 00:58:50,695
I can throw a football
110 yards in the air
1212
00:58:51,112 --> 00:58:52,363
and catch it.
1213
00:58:52,864 --> 00:58:55,158
When I expel gas it wiffles or waffles,
1214
00:58:55,241 --> 00:58:56,618
I call it a farg.
1215
00:58:57,118 --> 00:58:58,119
What about you?
1216
00:58:58,286 --> 00:59:00,121
My name is Chani Lastnamé.
1217
00:59:00,788 --> 00:59:03,166
I'm an old-fashioned girl,
I believe in romance.
1218
00:59:03,499 --> 00:59:05,251
I am related to a puppet.
1219
00:59:05,752 --> 00:59:08,004
If you wanted me to, I would
grow a beard by tomorrow.
1220
00:59:09,214 --> 00:59:12,383
Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.
1221
00:59:12,550 --> 00:59:13,801
You mailed them to me?
1222
00:59:14,135 --> 00:59:16,137
How else was I gonna get them to you?
1223
00:59:16,346 --> 00:59:18,097
You hand them to me.
1224
00:59:19,390 --> 00:59:21,809
You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,
1225
00:59:21,935 --> 00:59:23,978
and that is not an exaggeration.
1226
00:59:24,229 --> 00:59:25,313
That makes me feel bad.
1227
00:59:25,521 --> 00:59:27,690
Well, Chani, I'm telling the truth.
1228
00:59:30,151 --> 00:59:31,152
Sir.
1229
00:59:31,319 --> 00:59:34,030
Get your filthy hands off of her!
1230
00:59:34,239 --> 00:59:35,365
Help, help!
1231
00:59:36,032 --> 00:59:37,575
My phone messages!
1232
00:59:37,992 --> 00:59:40,745
- Leave me alone, lady!
- Not today!
1233
00:59:41,829 --> 00:59:45,750
She has rainbow lasers
coming out of her eyes.
1234
00:59:46,167 --> 00:59:49,087
Chani, I can see you behind
that desk and you're fired!
1235
00:59:49,712 --> 00:59:50,880
Why?
1236
00:59:59,847 --> 01:00:01,266
Are you okay?
1237
01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:03,935
You saved my life.
1238
01:00:04,060 --> 01:00:05,228
She was trying to murder me.
1239
01:00:05,895 --> 01:00:10,233
Sometimes it takes one man to
stand up and reclaim the city
1240
01:00:10,942 --> 01:00:13,861
and, in doing so, the streets
are red with blood.
1241
01:00:14,195 --> 01:00:18,283
When you're around I get
hot swirls in my pantyhose.
1242
01:00:18,574 --> 01:00:20,702
And my dangle-down presses
against my zipper.
1243
01:00:26,708 --> 01:00:28,084
Can we go to a date?
1244
01:00:28,167 --> 01:00:30,044
Yes.
1245
01:00:39,971 --> 01:00:43,433
It's okay, Ronny,
you got this. Piece of cake.
1246
01:00:45,101 --> 01:00:48,646
The only thing is
everything's at stake here.
1247
01:00:49,022 --> 01:00:52,150
Your career, your child,
literally everything.
1248
01:00:52,442 --> 01:00:53,818
You got it though.
1249
01:00:55,903 --> 01:00:56,946
Oh, did you hear?
1250
01:00:57,030 --> 01:00:59,240
Evan said there's some
strange copy in the prompter.
1251
01:00:59,490 --> 01:01:01,284
If I gave a shit I'd call
someone. But I don't...
1252
01:01:01,367 --> 01:01:02,368
So let's go.
1253
01:01:02,910 --> 01:01:04,662
Ron Burgundy and his news team
1254
01:01:04,871 --> 01:01:07,582
had made a few groundbreaking
discoveries through the years.
1255
01:01:07,749 --> 01:01:09,625
They had invented the bread bowl
1256
01:01:09,709 --> 01:01:11,586
and laminated porn mags.
1257
01:01:11,669 --> 01:01:13,713
But the new brand of news,
or info-tainment,
1258
01:01:13,838 --> 01:01:15,298
they were about to unleash,
1259
01:01:15,506 --> 01:01:17,592
would forever change history.
1260
01:01:17,759 --> 01:01:20,762
Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m.
Eastern time.
1261
01:01:21,012 --> 01:01:24,682
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is
1262
01:01:24,974 --> 01:01:28,436
America. She's the greatest
country in the world.
1263
01:01:28,644 --> 01:01:30,396
Heck, the history of the world!
1264
01:01:30,605 --> 01:01:32,190
God bless America!
1265
01:01:33,441 --> 01:01:34,942
For starters, we kick butt.
1266
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:38,738
Nazi butt. Russian butt.
You show us a butt
1267
01:01:38,863 --> 01:01:40,323
and we take the boot to it.
1268
01:01:40,406 --> 01:01:42,533
If you like to whine and bitch
about all the things
1269
01:01:42,617 --> 01:01:43,618
wrong with America,
1270
01:01:43,701 --> 01:01:46,371
go swim your ass across
the Atlantic Ocean to China!
1271
01:01:47,205 --> 01:01:48,498
That is one handsome devil.
1272
01:01:48,998 --> 01:01:50,083
Indeed.
1273
01:01:50,208 --> 01:01:52,835
Some experts say silicone
breast implants are dangerous,
1274
01:01:53,002 --> 01:01:54,962
unhealthy and degrading to women,
1275
01:01:55,129 --> 01:01:57,799
I say, in my most journalistic way I can,
1276
01:01:58,007 --> 01:01:59,926
bring on the fun bags.
1277
01:02:00,968 --> 01:02:03,012
Now, Brian, I read somewhere
1278
01:02:03,096 --> 01:02:05,306
that the early prototypes
of the breast implant
1279
01:02:05,431 --> 01:02:07,225
were actually filled with taco meat.
1280
01:02:07,392 --> 01:02:09,811
Well, I don't know,
I don't know the specifics
1281
01:02:09,894 --> 01:02:11,562
but I do know they are still testing
1282
01:02:11,646 --> 01:02:13,856
with all sorts of material.
1283
01:02:14,190 --> 01:02:17,068
Pudding, whipped cream...
1284
01:02:17,819 --> 01:02:18,820
Tuna fish.
1285
01:02:18,903 --> 01:02:19,904
Nickels.
1286
01:02:19,987 --> 01:02:21,322
Okay, if you wanted a heavier breast.
1287
01:02:22,407 --> 01:02:23,866
I like the news!
1288
01:02:24,075 --> 01:02:25,410
Whammy! Whammy!
1289
01:02:25,576 --> 01:02:27,245
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!
1290
01:02:27,370 --> 01:02:29,205
Whammy!
1291
01:02:36,170 --> 01:02:37,255
Back to you, Ron.
1292
01:02:37,338 --> 01:02:39,507
Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
1293
01:02:39,841 --> 01:02:41,342
I can't hear you, Ron!
1294
01:02:41,759 --> 01:02:43,803
Okay, but you're answering
the question,
1295
01:02:43,928 --> 01:02:45,221
so I think you can hear me.
1296
01:02:45,513 --> 01:02:46,597
No, I can!
1297
01:02:46,681 --> 01:02:48,516
Brick, do you think there is any danger
1298
01:02:48,641 --> 01:02:49,976
to the average person out there?
1299
01:02:50,309 --> 01:02:52,562
I'm afraid that this wind is so strong
1300
01:02:52,687 --> 01:02:54,313
that babies are going to be
1301
01:02:54,397 --> 01:02:55,857
ripped out of their mother's arms
1302
01:02:55,940 --> 01:02:58,192
and be into the lion cages.
1303
01:02:58,776 --> 01:03:01,404
Sounds horrifying!
Well, there you have it.
1304
01:03:02,113 --> 01:03:05,366
Mother Nature can be
a stone cold killer!
1305
01:03:05,616 --> 01:03:06,617
What the hell was that?
1306
01:03:06,701 --> 01:03:08,202
Freddie loaded it. I just hit it on cue.
1307
01:03:08,661 --> 01:03:09,662
It's kinda cool.
1308
01:03:10,079 --> 01:03:13,416
And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,
1309
01:03:13,666 --> 01:03:16,294
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,
1310
01:03:16,377 --> 01:03:17,753
have found the cutest little patriot
1311
01:03:18,087 --> 01:03:20,006
on God's green earth.
1312
01:03:23,593 --> 01:03:25,011
Look at that little guy!
1313
01:03:25,303 --> 01:03:27,972
So funny and so adorable.
1314
01:03:28,473 --> 01:03:31,601
For all of us here at GNN,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1315
01:03:32,018 --> 01:03:35,897
Stay classy and stay strong, America.
1316
01:03:38,691 --> 01:03:40,026
And we're out!
1317
01:03:40,151 --> 01:03:41,486
Wow!
1318
01:03:42,612 --> 01:03:44,030
I couldn't take my eyes
1319
01:03:44,197 --> 01:03:45,865
- off the screen!
- Yes.
1320
01:03:46,532 --> 01:03:48,201
You were electric, Ron! Whammy!
1321
01:03:48,451 --> 01:03:50,119
That just felt right! That felt right!
1322
01:03:50,369 --> 01:03:51,454
I was outside!
1323
01:03:51,704 --> 01:03:53,289
You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.
1324
01:03:53,372 --> 01:03:55,958
Everyone did. Wonderful.
1325
01:03:57,251 --> 01:03:58,753
Amazing. Great job.
1326
01:03:58,836 --> 01:04:02,757
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
1327
01:04:03,174 --> 01:04:04,383
Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.
1328
01:04:04,467 --> 01:04:05,676
We were just trying something new.
1329
01:04:05,927 --> 01:04:07,637
You changed the format
of the entire show
1330
01:04:07,720 --> 01:04:09,347
without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!
1331
01:04:09,597 --> 01:04:10,681
Damn straight, sister.
1332
01:04:10,765 --> 01:04:12,433
We just done went and brought it!
1333
01:04:12,517 --> 01:04:15,102
Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.
1334
01:04:15,770 --> 01:04:17,605
If you were a man, I'd knock you out.
1335
01:04:17,688 --> 01:04:20,066
Oh, really? Well, go ahead!
1336
01:04:20,191 --> 01:04:22,193
Take a swing! Take your best shot!
1337
01:04:22,360 --> 01:04:24,153
I have five brothers,
1338
01:04:24,237 --> 01:04:26,239
and two of them are defensive
backs in NFL, so come on!
1339
01:04:26,822 --> 01:04:28,032
- You want me to do it?
- Yeah.
1340
01:04:28,366 --> 01:04:29,617
This thing's not gonna feel good.
1341
01:04:29,951 --> 01:04:31,911
I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody!
1342
01:04:32,161 --> 01:04:34,372
Ron, just do what men have been doing
1343
01:04:34,455 --> 01:04:35,706
for thousands of years
1344
01:04:36,123 --> 01:04:37,625
and punch the woman.
1345
01:04:37,708 --> 01:04:40,419
Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!
1346
01:04:44,340 --> 01:04:45,841
Ron! No!
1347
01:04:48,386 --> 01:04:50,513
I didn't do it! Get off me!
1348
01:04:53,057 --> 01:04:55,726
Mama, your baby's hurt.
1349
01:04:56,227 --> 01:04:57,728
Your baby.
1350
01:04:59,146 --> 01:05:01,899
What is that sound you're making?
Good Lord!
1351
01:05:03,568 --> 01:05:05,403
You sound like a balloon.
1352
01:05:05,736 --> 01:05:07,071
Pull yourself together, man.
1353
01:05:07,280 --> 01:05:10,491
My binky. I need my binky.
1354
01:05:10,700 --> 01:05:12,618
Get him his goddamn binky!
1355
01:05:13,035 --> 01:05:14,370
Security!
1356
01:05:14,620 --> 01:05:16,539
Hey! Get him out of here!
1357
01:05:16,998 --> 01:05:18,833
And you know what, you too, Freddie!
1358
01:05:18,916 --> 01:05:20,209
I thought you were
more professional than this.
1359
01:05:20,293 --> 01:05:21,294
Is this because I'm white?
1360
01:05:21,669 --> 01:05:23,754
It's not because you're white,
it's because you suck!
1361
01:05:23,879 --> 01:05:25,840
I know exactly what apartheid feels like!
1362
01:05:28,968 --> 01:05:30,970
Bugger me with a didgeridoo.
1363
01:05:31,220 --> 01:05:32,638
We knew we'd struggle to start,
1364
01:05:32,722 --> 01:05:35,224
but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.
1365
01:05:35,474 --> 01:05:37,101
Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike.
1366
01:05:37,184 --> 01:05:39,061
It really saved our whole launch.
1367
01:05:39,395 --> 01:05:41,564
Spike? What are you talking about?
1368
01:05:41,939 --> 01:05:43,024
What spike?
1369
01:05:43,316 --> 01:05:45,443
Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?
1370
01:05:46,152 --> 01:05:48,279
No, no, no, this can't be right.
1371
01:05:48,738 --> 01:05:52,491
His team start at a 0.2,
and then they finish at a 5.6?
1372
01:05:53,492 --> 01:05:56,495
That's unbelievable!
They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!
1373
01:05:56,746 --> 01:05:58,247
How is that even possible?
1374
01:05:58,581 --> 01:06:01,167
Well, guys, it goes without saying,
1375
01:06:01,250 --> 01:06:03,669
I owe you gentlemen an apology.
1376
01:06:04,128 --> 01:06:06,130
I dragged you out here and this thing
1377
01:06:06,213 --> 01:06:08,799
was a disaster from the word "Go."
1378
01:06:09,050 --> 01:06:11,385
No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.
1379
01:06:11,636 --> 01:06:13,220
Yeah, it's all right, Ron.
1380
01:06:13,387 --> 01:06:14,555
Gin.
1381
01:06:17,058 --> 01:06:19,602
Champ, my friend,
what's in store for you?
1382
01:06:19,727 --> 01:06:22,813
Well, my doctor's been at me
to get another liver transplant.
1383
01:06:23,064 --> 01:06:24,857
Champ, how many liver transplants
1384
01:06:24,940 --> 01:06:26,442
does that make now?
1385
01:06:26,525 --> 01:06:27,985
This will be the fourth one.
1386
01:06:28,069 --> 01:06:31,072
Champ deep fried the other three
and served them at his restaurant.
1387
01:06:31,238 --> 01:06:32,907
You know I did.
1388
01:06:32,990 --> 01:06:34,575
And what about you, Brick?
1389
01:06:34,659 --> 01:06:37,620
What's next for
the great Brick Tamland?
1390
01:06:37,703 --> 01:06:39,580
I am going to win the Olympics.
1391
01:06:39,705 --> 01:06:42,583
Well, I highly doubt you're going
to compete in the Olympics.
1392
01:06:42,667 --> 01:06:43,959
If you were though, what sport?
1393
01:06:44,168 --> 01:06:45,503
The kicking.
1394
01:06:46,587 --> 01:06:48,506
The Olympic sport of kicking?
1395
01:06:50,466 --> 01:06:51,967
Maybe that's brand new.
1396
01:06:52,426 --> 01:06:55,262
What about you, Ron? What do
you think you're going to do?
1397
01:06:55,346 --> 01:06:56,889
I've got some exciting
investment opportunities
1398
01:06:56,972 --> 01:06:58,307
I'm going to look into.
1399
01:06:58,724 --> 01:07:00,976
It's funny, I got a call
the other day from some clowns
1400
01:07:01,060 --> 01:07:02,186
who are trying to start up a business
1401
01:07:02,269 --> 01:07:04,855
where they take water and
put it in little plastic bottles,
1402
01:07:04,939 --> 01:07:07,316
regular water, okay,
nothing special about it.
1403
01:07:07,566 --> 01:07:08,901
They put it in plastic bottles
1404
01:07:08,984 --> 01:07:10,152
and they're going to sell it for a dollar.
1405
01:07:10,236 --> 01:07:11,237
A dollar a bottle.
1406
01:07:11,362 --> 01:07:13,739
If you get a call
from Fred and Gina Sparkletts,
1407
01:07:14,198 --> 01:07:15,783
run for the hills.
1408
01:07:21,914 --> 01:07:23,082
Guys?
1409
01:07:23,916 --> 01:07:24,917
Hey.
1410
01:07:25,751 --> 01:07:27,586
I got some news.
1411
01:07:27,837 --> 01:07:29,338
Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear
1412
01:07:29,422 --> 01:07:31,757
- the word "news" right now.
- Yeah.
1413
01:07:32,091 --> 01:07:35,428
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.
1414
01:07:35,761 --> 01:07:39,098
Forget that GNN wants you back.
1415
01:07:39,598 --> 01:07:43,769
For a prime time slot and a raise in pay.
1416
01:07:44,103 --> 01:07:47,857
What's your deal, Freddie?
Quit yanking our crotch hoses.
1417
01:07:48,441 --> 01:07:50,276
No. I'm not yanking your...
1418
01:07:52,111 --> 01:07:54,613
Your ratings went through the roof.
1419
01:07:54,947 --> 01:07:57,783
People love what you did.
1420
01:07:58,117 --> 01:08:00,077
You're a success!
1421
01:08:00,286 --> 01:08:05,124
Get it? You're a great, big, fat success!
1422
01:08:05,666 --> 01:08:08,169
By the back acne of Brett Somers!
1423
01:08:08,252 --> 01:08:09,336
It's total crap
1424
01:08:09,420 --> 01:08:10,921
and they can't stop watching!
1425
01:08:11,797 --> 01:08:14,300
The news team
had been famous in San Diego,
1426
01:08:14,425 --> 01:08:17,511
but that was small time
compared to New York.
1427
01:08:18,012 --> 01:08:20,931
And they were about to have
a sloppy, drunken ride
1428
01:08:21,056 --> 01:08:24,977
down the gin-slickered
waterslide that is fame.
1429
01:08:25,227 --> 01:08:27,021
That'll do it for all of us here at GNN.
1430
01:08:27,104 --> 01:08:30,441
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1431
01:08:30,983 --> 01:08:32,485
I'm Jack...
1432
01:08:35,321 --> 01:08:36,489
Lame.
1433
01:08:40,451 --> 01:08:42,411
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
1434
01:08:42,495 --> 01:08:43,704
More graphics, okay?
1435
01:08:43,788 --> 01:08:45,664
Brick loves the colors.
1436
01:08:45,748 --> 01:08:47,124
But there's already a lot.
1437
01:08:47,208 --> 01:08:49,460
Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.
1438
01:08:49,543 --> 01:08:51,170
Yeah, don't sass me, beardo!
1439
01:08:51,504 --> 01:08:54,006
Finish and ask a question here,
for God's sake!
1440
01:08:54,089 --> 01:08:57,551
Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for just half a second?
1441
01:09:28,123 --> 01:09:30,417
There's something new
on the New York social scene.
1442
01:09:30,543 --> 01:09:33,420
It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much
1443
01:09:33,546 --> 01:09:35,589
as a soda pop at the local drugstore.
1444
01:09:35,714 --> 01:09:39,343
Here's Brian Fantana on
why everyone who is someone
1445
01:09:39,426 --> 01:09:41,428
is lining up to smoke crack.
1446
01:09:41,929 --> 01:09:44,181
Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack
1447
01:09:44,265 --> 01:09:45,933
and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.
1448
01:09:46,058 --> 01:09:47,810
I don't know if we can get a shot of that.
1449
01:09:47,935 --> 01:09:50,104
What is that? Did you know
they were going to have that?
1450
01:09:50,271 --> 01:09:51,272
- No.
- Get in here, Champ.
1451
01:09:51,397 --> 01:09:52,940
I'll tell you, I love cocaine
1452
01:09:53,065 --> 01:09:54,817
so if this is anything like that...
1453
01:09:54,942 --> 01:09:57,027
Oh, then you're going to love crack!
1454
01:09:57,111 --> 01:09:58,320
Now what are we doing here?
1455
01:09:58,571 --> 01:10:00,197
We're going to take
some of these rocks...
1456
01:10:00,281 --> 01:10:01,282
Okay.
1457
01:10:01,407 --> 01:10:02,783
Now what you're going to do is
you're going to
1458
01:10:02,867 --> 01:10:04,952
put your crack rock in the glass pipe.
1459
01:10:05,035 --> 01:10:07,997
I'll pack it in there.
Brick, do you want any crack?
1460
01:10:09,999 --> 01:10:11,709
Sorry, I'm afraid of fire.
1461
01:10:11,792 --> 01:10:12,835
Now what am I doing here?
1462
01:10:12,960 --> 01:10:13,961
Stuff that rock in your pipe
1463
01:10:14,086 --> 01:10:15,921
and then you're going
to want to point your pipe up
1464
01:10:16,005 --> 01:10:17,798
towards the heavens as if you're saying,
1465
01:10:17,923 --> 01:10:19,550
"Thank you, God,
for giving me this crack."
1466
01:10:19,675 --> 01:10:20,801
Okay.
1467
01:10:26,098 --> 01:10:28,601
You feel that right away.
Wow, that's good!
1468
01:10:28,684 --> 01:10:31,520
That's an immediate state of euphoria.
1469
01:10:31,770 --> 01:10:34,315
You'll be surprised,
the effect, it happens very...
1470
01:10:35,816 --> 01:10:38,903
You just want more and more
and more and more and more.
1471
01:10:39,194 --> 01:10:41,363
Brian, hey listen, my mom's
got this diamond necklace
1472
01:10:41,488 --> 01:10:43,198
and I'll sell it to you
if I can get some more.
1473
01:10:43,324 --> 01:10:45,034
They're actually enjoying it.
1474
01:10:45,367 --> 01:10:47,369
Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack.
1475
01:10:47,536 --> 01:10:49,330
What's that? Stop!
1476
01:10:49,997 --> 01:10:51,874
Oh, apparently the police are here.
1477
01:10:51,999 --> 01:10:53,667
The police are here? Really?
1478
01:10:53,792 --> 01:10:58,005
For Ron Burgundy and
my whole crack news team...
1479
01:11:01,133 --> 01:11:02,551
I just made that up.
1480
01:11:02,676 --> 01:11:04,470
That was a good one, Ron.
That's actually a very good one.
1481
01:11:04,553 --> 01:11:05,554
You should write that down.
Is that written?
1482
01:11:05,679 --> 01:11:06,805
Well, we got it recorded now.
That's great!
1483
01:11:09,475 --> 01:11:13,187
Well, now we know, guys,
you can't smoke crack on live television.
1484
01:11:25,824 --> 01:11:27,534
Please come in and shut the door.
1485
01:11:32,748 --> 01:11:34,416
If this is about sweeps,
1486
01:11:34,708 --> 01:11:37,503
I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.
1487
01:11:37,586 --> 01:11:39,546
It's about airplane parts
1488
01:11:39,713 --> 01:11:42,883
that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky
1489
01:11:43,175 --> 01:11:44,551
and hitting the ground, people.
1490
01:11:44,677 --> 01:11:46,136
We're calling it "Death From Above."
1491
01:11:46,220 --> 01:11:49,473
We might do some interviews
with airline stewardesses,
1492
01:11:49,556 --> 01:11:52,559
in bikinis, to get their viewpoint.
1493
01:11:52,726 --> 01:11:54,436
You. Come here.
1494
01:11:59,608 --> 01:12:01,276
I've been watching you.
1495
01:12:01,777 --> 01:12:02,945
You have?
1496
01:12:04,613 --> 01:12:06,615
I've been watching you a lot.
1497
01:12:07,282 --> 01:12:08,951
And you just do whatever you want.
1498
01:12:09,076 --> 01:12:12,121
Well, I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess.
1499
01:12:12,454 --> 01:12:13,956
You don't follow the format.
1500
01:12:14,081 --> 01:12:16,417
You pretty much walk around like...
1501
01:12:17,626 --> 01:12:18,752
Like you're king of the world.
1502
01:12:19,253 --> 01:12:22,089
I'm just a worker bee. That's all I am.
1503
01:12:22,464 --> 01:12:24,299
- You know what?
- What?
1504
01:12:29,263 --> 01:12:30,973
I find it hot as shit!
1505
01:12:31,265 --> 01:12:32,266
Are you going to hurt me?
1506
01:12:32,433 --> 01:12:34,893
Well, it depends. Is that what you like?
1507
01:12:35,269 --> 01:12:37,229
God, no. Who wants to be injured?
1508
01:12:38,439 --> 01:12:41,275
Have you ever heard
the expression, "Hurts so good"?
1509
01:12:41,942 --> 01:12:44,319
Yes, I've always been baffled by it.
1510
01:12:44,611 --> 01:12:46,405
The idea of rolling an ankle
1511
01:12:46,488 --> 01:12:48,782
or banging your elbow on a coffee table
1512
01:12:48,907 --> 01:12:50,451
and deriving pleasure from it,
1513
01:12:50,576 --> 01:12:52,453
it's very perplexing to me.
1514
01:12:52,536 --> 01:12:53,954
Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.
1515
01:12:54,246 --> 01:12:57,249
You're a shooting star
and I want to go for a ride.
1516
01:12:57,332 --> 01:12:58,834
God, I'm so afraid right now.
1517
01:13:00,169 --> 01:13:01,253
Come in.
1518
01:13:02,337 --> 01:13:03,505
Linda.
1519
01:13:03,672 --> 01:13:05,799
Excuse me, Linda.
1520
01:13:05,924 --> 01:13:07,551
Ron, Jack wants to know
1521
01:13:07,634 --> 01:13:10,220
if he can go back to
calling himself Jack Lime
1522
01:13:10,304 --> 01:13:11,472
instead of Jack Lame.
1523
01:13:11,597 --> 01:13:13,098
He's really struggling with it.
1524
01:13:13,182 --> 01:13:15,684
No. Can't. It's a bet.
1525
01:13:16,268 --> 01:13:17,603
Oh, Jesus!
1526
01:13:17,770 --> 01:13:19,563
If you want to change it, you can.
1527
01:13:19,646 --> 01:13:20,856
Like what?
1528
01:13:21,148 --> 01:13:22,149
Jack Off?
1529
01:13:22,524 --> 01:13:24,693
GNN's Jack Off.
1530
01:13:24,777 --> 01:13:27,529
Jack... No, that's worse.
You know it's worse.
1531
01:13:27,946 --> 01:13:29,323
It sounds like jack off!
1532
01:13:29,573 --> 01:13:30,783
Art Areola.
1533
01:13:32,659 --> 01:13:34,495
Sounds ethnic. It almost sounds Italian.
1534
01:13:34,620 --> 01:13:36,914
Freddie, I can't...
Listen to me, Burgundy.
1535
01:13:36,997 --> 01:13:38,999
This is far from over, do you hear me?
1536
01:13:39,666 --> 01:13:41,668
I'll see you on the playground.
1537
01:13:47,508 --> 01:13:49,009
This
1538
01:13:49,510 --> 01:13:51,178
meeting has been
1539
01:13:51,678 --> 01:13:53,180
very productive.
1540
01:13:53,514 --> 01:13:55,307
You can pick me up at 8:00.
1541
01:13:57,142 --> 01:14:00,521
Oh, my God, I think I just
tore my undercarriage.
1542
01:14:01,188 --> 01:14:03,941
Oh, man. He's just like me
but he's a cat!
1543
01:14:04,024 --> 01:14:05,567
That's a cat?
1544
01:14:21,583 --> 01:14:24,920
Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing
some real high-quality
1545
01:14:25,045 --> 01:14:26,713
Garfield laughs over here!
1546
01:14:28,173 --> 01:14:29,925
I think our boss just raped me.
1547
01:14:30,050 --> 01:14:31,009
What?
1548
01:14:31,093 --> 01:14:33,053
I don't know what happened.
1549
01:14:33,178 --> 01:14:36,390
But Linda Jackson
got very physical with me.
1550
01:14:36,557 --> 01:14:39,059
I knew it. She's probably in a gang.
1551
01:14:39,393 --> 01:14:42,146
I mean, there was just a ball of motion
1552
01:14:42,229 --> 01:14:45,816
and sweat and hair and noises.
1553
01:14:46,066 --> 01:14:47,317
Sounds like she wants you.
1554
01:14:47,568 --> 01:14:50,904
Hey, man. The ladies been all over me
since we got crazy famous.
1555
01:14:50,988 --> 01:14:52,156
Not to brag or nothing,
1556
01:14:52,239 --> 01:14:55,075
but I just gave Sheena Easton crabs.
1557
01:14:55,659 --> 01:14:58,912
That is in no way a brag, Brian.
That's horrible.
1558
01:14:59,079 --> 01:15:02,082
Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful that two people do.
1559
01:15:02,166 --> 01:15:04,126
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites
1560
01:15:04,251 --> 01:15:05,836
all over his penis and testicles.
1561
01:15:05,919 --> 01:15:06,920
I'm just saying...
1562
01:15:07,004 --> 01:15:10,591
Don't you think that person
should alert their partner?
1563
01:15:12,759 --> 01:15:14,094
Semantics.
1564
01:15:14,261 --> 01:15:16,346
Sounds to me like it's her fault
1565
01:15:16,430 --> 01:15:17,806
for being a randy gal.
1566
01:15:17,931 --> 01:15:19,266
I have a date!
1567
01:15:19,433 --> 01:15:21,602
- Brick has a date?
- Good for Brick!
1568
01:15:21,810 --> 01:15:23,020
What's a date?
1569
01:15:23,103 --> 01:15:25,606
A date is simply when
two people get together,
1570
01:15:25,772 --> 01:15:27,232
do something social, have a few drinks,
1571
01:15:27,316 --> 01:15:28,400
yadda-yadda-yadda...
1572
01:15:28,483 --> 01:15:29,484
Take their shirts off...
1573
01:15:31,195 --> 01:15:32,613
Then you get sticky.
1574
01:15:34,615 --> 01:15:36,074
- Oh, it's okay.
- No, it's a fun thing.
1575
01:15:36,158 --> 01:15:37,534
It's fun. It's all right.
1576
01:15:37,701 --> 01:15:40,621
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?
1577
01:15:40,954 --> 01:15:44,458
First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.
1578
01:15:48,670 --> 01:15:52,799
There it is. Brian Fantana's
glorious cabinet of condoms.
1579
01:15:53,634 --> 01:15:57,137
For you I'm thinking Teddy's Big Stick.
1580
01:15:57,304 --> 01:15:59,640
It's the only one that comes
with the Presidential Seal of Approval.
1581
01:16:00,390 --> 01:16:03,143
This one will fit right into
her oval orifice.
1582
01:16:03,310 --> 01:16:04,603
It's a great condom
1583
01:16:04,686 --> 01:16:07,064
for when you're charging up
San Juan Hill,
1584
01:16:07,231 --> 01:16:09,358
AKA, a lady's puss.
1585
01:16:09,483 --> 01:16:11,652
Particularly good
if you're a Rough Rider.
1586
01:16:11,735 --> 01:16:13,111
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
1587
01:16:13,195 --> 01:16:14,738
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
1588
01:16:14,821 --> 01:16:16,657
- Clam Dam.
- Clam Dam.
1589
01:16:16,740 --> 01:16:17,741
Clam dam.
1590
01:16:17,866 --> 01:16:18,867
Clam dam.
1591
01:16:18,992 --> 01:16:20,327
Clam dam.
1592
01:16:20,410 --> 01:16:21,662
Clam dam.
1593
01:16:21,745 --> 01:16:25,165
It's a non-lubricated condom,
but it'll collect your pearls.
1594
01:16:25,332 --> 01:16:26,583
What about Cock Frock?
1595
01:16:26,750 --> 01:16:28,961
Cock Frock? It's a full body condom.
1596
01:16:29,044 --> 01:16:30,379
And you can paint in it.
1597
01:16:30,504 --> 01:16:31,672
Wait a minute.
1598
01:16:32,673 --> 01:16:35,008
Sleeve It to Beaver. It's a great condom.
1599
01:16:35,092 --> 01:16:36,468
Takes you back to a simpler time
1600
01:16:36,551 --> 01:16:38,262
when everything was in black and white.
1601
01:16:39,012 --> 01:16:40,597
It's particularly good if you're going in
1602
01:16:40,681 --> 01:16:42,349
for the Eddie Ass-kill.
1603
01:16:42,516 --> 01:16:44,351
My penis weighs 50 pounds.
1604
01:16:44,434 --> 01:16:46,270
No, it doesn't, Brick.
1605
01:16:46,395 --> 01:16:48,438
Thirty pounds.
1606
01:16:49,356 --> 01:16:50,607
Seventeen pounds.
1607
01:16:50,691 --> 01:16:53,360
No, your penis probably weighs
four or five ounces.
1608
01:16:53,443 --> 01:16:54,444
Fifty pounds.
1609
01:16:54,528 --> 01:16:56,363
So you just went back
to the original number.
1610
01:17:00,867 --> 01:17:03,328
Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day
1611
01:17:03,412 --> 01:17:05,539
to all of our Native American friends.
1612
01:17:05,872 --> 01:17:07,207
On the big map...
1613
01:17:09,042 --> 01:17:10,210
Where's my map?
1614
01:17:10,877 --> 01:17:12,713
There's no map, it's just green.
1615
01:17:12,796 --> 01:17:14,089
No, there's a map there.
1616
01:17:14,214 --> 01:17:17,134
- Look at the monitor.
- Right.
1617
01:17:17,384 --> 01:17:18,969
Ron, where's my legs?
1618
01:17:19,052 --> 01:17:20,721
- Where are my legs?
- Your legs are there.
1619
01:17:20,804 --> 01:17:22,264
I don't have any legs, Ron.
1620
01:17:22,389 --> 01:17:23,390
Your legs are fine.
1621
01:17:23,473 --> 01:17:24,850
The color of your pants
1622
01:17:24,933 --> 01:17:26,893
just matches
the chroma key behind you.
1623
01:17:27,102 --> 01:17:29,062
See you're standing right now
on your legs.
1624
01:17:30,772 --> 01:17:33,066
Brick, it looks like it's hot in Texas.
1625
01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:34,401
Ron, I'm a ghost.
1626
01:17:38,989 --> 01:17:40,449
Brick, do you want to do the weather?
1627
01:17:40,699 --> 01:17:42,492
- No. No, thanks.
- No?
1628
01:17:42,743 --> 01:17:44,369
You want to come back to the weather?
1629
01:17:44,453 --> 01:17:45,954
- Nope.
- Nope. Okay.
1630
01:17:46,079 --> 01:17:48,498
Ron, tell me what this looks like.
1631
01:17:48,582 --> 01:17:50,834
Okay, Brick, it's live television,
my friend.
1632
01:17:50,917 --> 01:17:52,711
Why don't we go to commercial break...
1633
01:17:52,794 --> 01:17:55,005
It's 50 degrees in this state.
1634
01:17:55,297 --> 01:17:57,716
We don't have a commercial lined up.
1635
01:17:57,799 --> 01:17:59,426
I'm going to take out my real one.
1636
01:17:59,551 --> 01:18:00,761
No, no, no, no, no!
1637
01:18:01,094 --> 01:18:04,014
And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,
1638
01:18:04,097 --> 01:18:07,267
I got a job with the London bureau
for ABC News.
1639
01:18:07,934 --> 01:18:09,102
Wow, London.
1640
01:18:09,311 --> 01:18:11,605
Arguably one of my favorite
cities in the entire world.
1641
01:18:11,688 --> 01:18:13,315
I put it in my top 90,
1642
01:18:13,482 --> 01:18:15,609
right in between Omaha
1643
01:18:15,984 --> 01:18:17,986
and Jacksonville, Florida.
1644
01:18:18,445 --> 01:18:21,448
So, tell me, what are some
of your favorite haunts?
1645
01:18:21,531 --> 01:18:23,283
Well, I love it all.
1646
01:18:24,951 --> 01:18:28,080
Big Ben. The Tower of London.
1647
01:18:28,163 --> 01:18:30,957
Naughty Hill. The Wailing Wall.
1648
01:18:31,124 --> 01:18:34,461
Grabbing a sherbet and
walking along the Thames.
1649
01:18:34,544 --> 01:18:36,463
It's pronounced "Thames."
1650
01:18:37,297 --> 01:18:39,132
Piccadilly, the Beatles.
1651
01:18:39,466 --> 01:18:41,426
The Beatles aren't a place.
1652
01:18:41,510 --> 01:18:43,512
The Beatles' Building.
1653
01:18:43,637 --> 01:18:46,306
Where the Beatles spent a lot
of their time as young men.
1654
01:18:46,390 --> 01:18:48,183
Where they learned how to be a Beatle.
1655
01:18:48,308 --> 01:18:51,061
Beatles' Building,
right in downtown London.
1656
01:18:51,478 --> 01:18:53,563
Yeah, I was in London for two years
1657
01:18:53,647 --> 01:18:56,149
and I never heard of a Beatles' Building.
1658
01:18:57,651 --> 01:19:01,405
You got me. I've never been there.
1659
01:19:01,655 --> 01:19:03,573
I couldn't even find it on a map.
1660
01:19:03,740 --> 01:19:05,242
Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
1661
01:19:05,367 --> 01:19:06,493
God, yes.
1662
01:19:06,743 --> 01:19:08,829
Did I scare you by coming on so strong?
1663
01:19:09,079 --> 01:19:10,330
A little bit, sure.
1664
01:19:10,664 --> 01:19:12,332
Look, it's not that you're not attractive,
1665
01:19:12,666 --> 01:19:14,793
it's just I'm a little old-fashioned.
1666
01:19:14,876 --> 01:19:18,088
Well, I am a modern woman.
1667
01:19:18,505 --> 01:19:19,631
And let me tell you,
1668
01:19:19,714 --> 01:19:22,592
when I see something
that I want, I go for it.
1669
01:19:22,843 --> 01:19:24,177
We're going to do this, aren't we?
1670
01:19:24,428 --> 01:19:27,931
We most definitely are going to do this.
1671
01:20:14,227 --> 01:20:16,771
This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.
1672
01:20:23,904 --> 01:20:25,572
Can I ask you a personal question?
1673
01:20:25,906 --> 01:20:27,574
I'm not sure what that is, but yes.
1674
01:20:27,824 --> 01:20:29,493
Have you ever kissed anyone?
1675
01:20:29,576 --> 01:20:32,162
Do lunch boxes
and sleeping people count?
1676
01:20:32,746 --> 01:20:33,914
Of course.
1677
01:20:34,164 --> 01:20:37,584
Then, yes. I have kissed
Scooby Doo and Roy.
1678
01:20:38,627 --> 01:20:40,629
I tongue-kissed a lawn jockey.
1679
01:20:41,296 --> 01:20:43,924
I once pooped in the basement
of the Lincoln Memorial.
1680
01:20:44,007 --> 01:20:45,759
The Lincoln Memorial has a bathroom?
1681
01:20:45,926 --> 01:20:47,844
No, but they have a basement.
1682
01:20:49,179 --> 01:20:51,223
I feel like if I knew how,
1683
01:20:51,306 --> 01:20:54,017
I would start to sing
a love song right now.
1684
01:20:54,267 --> 01:20:56,603
I feel like I'm about
to watch you start to sing.
1685
01:20:57,145 --> 01:21:02,150
I feel like I'm about
to sing a love song to you
1686
01:21:03,026 --> 01:21:08,990
And I feel like I'm about to
sing the same love song to you
1687
01:21:09,950 --> 01:21:14,955
I don't know how to do it
but I think it starts like this
1688
01:21:15,080 --> 01:21:16,498
Do do do la do do
1689
01:21:16,623 --> 01:21:18,959
It continues like do do do doo
1690
01:21:19,209 --> 01:21:21,795
Because I love you so
1691
01:21:22,170 --> 01:21:26,383
And sometimes in a love song
an eagle flies over and goes
1692
01:21:27,968 --> 01:21:30,554
Lots of animals are in love songs
1693
01:21:31,304 --> 01:21:35,225
You got the eagle, the bunny,
the rabbit, the squirrel
1694
01:21:35,392 --> 01:21:36,810
And the bunny goes...
1695
01:21:39,145 --> 01:21:42,148
Bunny love in a love song
1696
01:21:42,899 --> 01:21:47,821
And we just sang our first love song
1697
01:21:47,904 --> 01:21:53,493
Together
1698
01:22:01,042 --> 01:22:04,212
I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.
1699
01:22:04,337 --> 01:22:06,923
I'll be so careful not to
bite a hole in your cheek.
1700
01:22:42,417 --> 01:22:44,085
Hello, Ms. Jackson.
1701
01:22:44,753 --> 01:22:46,046
I didn't mean to scare you.
1702
01:22:46,129 --> 01:22:48,798
Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to...
1703
01:22:48,965 --> 01:22:51,134
Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.
1704
01:22:52,385 --> 01:22:54,095
But then I heard about this little story
1705
01:22:54,220 --> 01:22:57,015
that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.
1706
01:22:57,098 --> 01:22:59,225
You see, some of the planes
from my airline
1707
01:22:59,309 --> 01:23:01,269
have had parts falling off them lately.
1708
01:23:01,770 --> 01:23:03,563
Is it a problem? Yeah.
1709
01:23:03,730 --> 01:23:06,733
Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably.
1710
01:23:06,900 --> 01:23:10,236
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.
1711
01:23:10,945 --> 01:23:13,782
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.
1712
01:23:13,907 --> 01:23:16,951
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.
1713
01:23:17,619 --> 01:23:19,287
That's one of the perks.
1714
01:23:19,412 --> 01:23:22,999
It's called "synergy."
One company working with another.
1715
01:23:23,416 --> 01:23:24,959
Mr. Burgundy may well be
1716
01:23:25,085 --> 01:23:27,462
one of the most valuable media tools
1717
01:23:27,796 --> 01:23:29,673
that any corporation has ever had.
1718
01:23:30,590 --> 01:23:33,760
Everything he says becomes the truth.
1719
01:23:33,968 --> 01:23:36,596
So you treat him like
the thoroughbred he is
1720
01:23:37,013 --> 01:23:40,350
and, my girl, you could have
a very, very rewarding career.
1721
01:23:41,267 --> 01:23:44,270
And who knows, maybe you and I can be
1722
01:23:44,437 --> 01:23:48,149
riding thoroughbreds naked off
the coast of Capri.
1723
01:23:48,274 --> 01:23:49,275
No.
1724
01:23:49,442 --> 01:23:51,778
Okay, you can have pants on.
But we'll be topless.
1725
01:23:51,861 --> 01:23:53,655
Mr. Allenby, I'm not going to ride
1726
01:23:53,780 --> 01:23:55,573
on thoroughbred horses
with you topless.
1727
01:23:55,657 --> 01:23:57,992
Fine, they can be ATVs.
1728
01:23:58,159 --> 01:23:59,494
You can be in a bikini,
1729
01:23:59,619 --> 01:24:02,163
and I'll be wearing
my Speedos, swim trunks,
1730
01:24:02,288 --> 01:24:03,540
the ol' budgie-smugglers.
1731
01:24:03,623 --> 01:24:06,000
Look, I would do this for my career
1732
01:24:06,126 --> 01:24:08,128
but I am not sleeping with you.
1733
01:24:10,296 --> 01:24:11,631
To synergy.
1734
01:24:19,973 --> 01:24:22,308
You seem a little quiet, I must say.
1735
01:24:22,809 --> 01:24:26,479
Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine
with going to this family dinner.
1736
01:24:27,313 --> 01:24:28,898
They're going to love you.
1737
01:24:29,899 --> 01:24:32,152
This is delicious!
1738
01:24:34,070 --> 01:24:35,071
So...
1739
01:24:35,655 --> 01:24:37,407
How long have you
and Linda been dating?
1740
01:24:37,657 --> 01:24:38,742
Mother.
1741
01:24:40,160 --> 01:24:42,162
No, it's all right. It's a logical question.
1742
01:24:43,580 --> 01:24:47,751
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.
1743
01:24:48,877 --> 01:24:50,837
When we get together
1744
01:24:51,254 --> 01:24:53,840
we're like an Oreo cookie
covered in sweat.
1745
01:24:54,007 --> 01:24:56,176
Isn't that right, my Nubian sex princess?
1746
01:24:56,342 --> 01:24:58,011
What are you talking about?
1747
01:24:58,094 --> 01:24:59,471
I've touched her booty.
1748
01:24:59,554 --> 01:25:02,015
I put my hands on that booty.
I have done it.
1749
01:25:02,182 --> 01:25:04,768
Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.
1750
01:25:04,893 --> 01:25:05,977
What are you doing?
1751
01:25:06,269 --> 01:25:08,938
I'm addressing the white elephant
in the room.
1752
01:25:09,189 --> 01:25:10,565
I'm breaking down the barriers
1753
01:25:10,690 --> 01:25:13,234
of race by assimilation.
That's all I'm doing.
1754
01:25:13,359 --> 01:25:14,694
Well, you're coming off like a jerk.
1755
01:25:14,778 --> 01:25:16,279
I think it's going well.
1756
01:25:16,404 --> 01:25:18,072
We actually don't watch you.
1757
01:25:18,198 --> 01:25:21,075
We find what you've done
with the news offensive.
1758
01:25:21,242 --> 01:25:23,203
Well, I know
how you're getting your news.
1759
01:25:23,369 --> 01:25:25,747
You're going down
to the corner barber shop
1760
01:25:26,414 --> 01:25:28,625
and then Lumpy Jones
comes in and says,
1761
01:25:28,708 --> 01:25:30,126
"I'd like a haircut today.
1762
01:25:30,251 --> 01:25:31,503
"Did you hear what they're doing?"
1763
01:25:31,586 --> 01:25:32,712
And then the barber says,
1764
01:25:32,796 --> 01:25:35,882
"Lumpy, I ain't talking to you
until you pay your bill.
1765
01:25:35,965 --> 01:25:37,926
"You haven't paid this bill
in two months."
1766
01:25:38,051 --> 01:25:40,261
Etcetera, etcetera.
And they tell two friends,
1767
01:25:40,386 --> 01:25:42,514
and they tell two friends
and it spreads that way.
1768
01:25:42,597 --> 01:25:44,015
What is your problem, man?
1769
01:25:44,098 --> 01:25:45,225
Hey, black don't crack, right?
1770
01:25:45,391 --> 01:25:46,726
That's what we can at least all agree on.
1771
01:25:46,810 --> 01:25:49,771
If you haven't noticed
we don't converse like that.
1772
01:25:49,979 --> 01:25:51,815
Okay, okay.
1773
01:25:51,898 --> 01:25:53,983
Fair enough.
Look at Big Papa down here.
1774
01:25:55,068 --> 01:25:56,110
He's thinking to himself,
1775
01:25:56,236 --> 01:25:59,113
"Shit, look at that white pasty cracker
1776
01:25:59,447 --> 01:26:00,782
"sittin' at my table, eatin' my food,
1777
01:26:00,949 --> 01:26:02,408
"in my house,
1778
01:26:02,575 --> 01:26:03,910
"touching my daughter."
1779
01:26:04,077 --> 01:26:06,371
I have. I have touched your daughter.
1780
01:26:06,454 --> 01:26:08,206
- Honey!
- We have done things, Papa.
1781
01:26:08,289 --> 01:26:10,917
You ain't gonna like!
You ain't gonna like it none!
1782
01:26:11,084 --> 01:26:12,710
Oh, my goodness!
1783
01:26:12,794 --> 01:26:14,254
I mean when it comes down to it,
1784
01:26:14,337 --> 01:26:18,758
I'm just a bad-ass pharaoh
with a big dick and fat wallet.
1785
01:26:18,925 --> 01:26:22,262
Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.
1786
01:26:22,428 --> 01:26:24,389
Oh, you know what I'm coming
at you with,
1787
01:26:24,472 --> 01:26:25,974
you big, black mother of Linda.
1788
01:26:26,099 --> 01:26:29,102
Mix it up in a pot! Making it spicy!
1789
01:26:29,185 --> 01:26:30,228
Oh, my Lord.
1790
01:26:30,311 --> 01:26:31,688
Hey, that's my momma, man.
1791
01:26:31,771 --> 01:26:33,439
Hey, can I get an "Amen"?
1792
01:26:33,523 --> 01:26:35,859
Can I get an "Amen"?
1793
01:26:36,276 --> 01:26:38,528
Seriously though,
folks, can I get an "Amen"?
1794
01:26:38,611 --> 01:26:40,196
Please don't do this.
1795
01:26:40,280 --> 01:26:41,281
It's fine.
1796
01:26:41,364 --> 01:26:44,200
Can any of you crazy-ass
motherfuckers pass me the...
1797
01:26:44,284 --> 01:26:45,577
This man is out of here.
1798
01:26:45,660 --> 01:26:47,287
- Get out of my house.
- Oh, okay.
1799
01:26:47,370 --> 01:26:48,788
Get out of my house, Papa.
1800
01:26:48,872 --> 01:26:50,331
Get out of my house!
1801
01:26:50,540 --> 01:26:52,792
This is fun. Get out of my house, man.
1802
01:26:52,876 --> 01:26:54,210
He's telling you to leave.
1803
01:26:54,335 --> 01:26:55,628
Get out of my house!
1804
01:26:55,712 --> 01:26:57,505
I must not be saying it right.
1805
01:26:57,630 --> 01:26:59,799
Get out of my house, you big dummy!
1806
01:26:59,883 --> 01:27:02,093
Get out of my house!
1807
01:27:02,176 --> 01:27:03,595
I can't say it much louder.
1808
01:27:03,678 --> 01:27:05,513
Get out of my house! Get out!
1809
01:27:07,473 --> 01:27:09,392
Now I get it! You want me
to leave the house!
1810
01:27:09,475 --> 01:27:10,685
I'm not your big papa!
1811
01:27:10,810 --> 01:27:12,395
Stop! Stop! Dad!
1812
01:27:12,478 --> 01:27:14,522
I don't think that dinner
could have gone any better.
1813
01:27:14,647 --> 01:27:15,690
Are you nuts?
1814
01:27:15,982 --> 01:27:18,651
No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!
1815
01:27:19,193 --> 01:27:21,029
My dad was kicking you in the head!
1816
01:27:21,321 --> 01:27:23,865
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.
1817
01:27:23,990 --> 01:27:25,783
Only with dinner guests!
1818
01:27:25,867 --> 01:27:26,993
What?
1819
01:27:27,076 --> 01:27:31,164
I hate to pin it on you,
but you did invite me to dinner.
1820
01:27:31,831 --> 01:27:32,999
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1821
01:27:33,082 --> 01:27:34,167
No, I'm sorry.
1822
01:27:34,250 --> 01:27:37,337
I just... I'm just under
a lot of stress because...
1823
01:27:37,754 --> 01:27:40,340
Because Allenby,
he doesn't want you to do
1824
01:27:40,423 --> 01:27:42,175
the story that you're doing for sweeps.
1825
01:27:42,592 --> 01:27:43,676
"Death From Above."
1826
01:27:43,760 --> 01:27:45,595
It's an excellent story.
Wonderful exposé.
1827
01:27:45,720 --> 01:27:47,013
Listen, Ron.
1828
01:27:48,264 --> 01:27:50,183
Have you ever heard of synergy?
1829
01:27:56,356 --> 01:27:58,733
So your mom thought
we should get together,
1830
01:27:58,942 --> 01:28:00,735
spend a little time.
1831
01:28:01,194 --> 01:28:04,697
She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.
1832
01:28:06,407 --> 01:28:08,368
Can you believe that bullshit?
1833
01:28:08,952 --> 01:28:10,995
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
1834
01:28:11,079 --> 01:28:13,748
Nope, don't care for him. Never have.
1835
01:28:14,123 --> 01:28:15,500
Don't like the mask,
1836
01:28:15,583 --> 01:28:17,210
the costume, the getup, the webs.
1837
01:28:17,377 --> 01:28:19,045
Spider-Man's a poser, son.
1838
01:28:19,128 --> 01:28:20,630
What's a poser?
1839
01:28:20,713 --> 01:28:22,548
A poser is Gary.
1840
01:28:22,715 --> 01:28:24,509
By the way, how is that shit-heel?
1841
01:28:24,592 --> 01:28:25,885
What's a shit-heel?
1842
01:28:25,969 --> 01:28:29,889
A shit-heel is a real fun term
that you should call Gary
1843
01:28:29,973 --> 01:28:31,265
every time you see him.
1844
01:28:31,391 --> 01:28:32,767
When he wakes you up
for breakfast say,
1845
01:28:32,892 --> 01:28:34,310
"Oh, good morning, shit-heel."
1846
01:28:34,435 --> 01:28:36,896
He'll probably give you
five dollars or some candy.
1847
01:28:37,063 --> 01:28:38,731
You're a shit-heel, Dad.
1848
01:28:39,565 --> 01:28:41,484
You should just call Gary that
1849
01:28:41,567 --> 01:28:43,069
'cause it makes him really happy.
1850
01:28:43,152 --> 01:28:45,947
It makes me sort of happy
but it makes him really happy.
1851
01:28:46,906 --> 01:28:48,491
Dad.
1852
01:28:48,825 --> 01:28:51,995
Sometimes I hear sounds at night
and I get scared.
1853
01:28:52,078 --> 01:28:54,622
I think there's a ghost in my closet.
1854
01:28:55,248 --> 01:28:56,749
Now, you listen to me, son.
1855
01:28:56,916 --> 01:29:00,086
I'm a grown man, okay. I've done things.
1856
01:29:00,586 --> 01:29:02,255
I've been places.
1857
01:29:02,338 --> 01:29:06,342
I watched the fall of Saigon
from my hotel room
1858
01:29:06,759 --> 01:29:08,136
in Bermuda.
1859
01:29:08,928 --> 01:29:10,263
So I have experience,
1860
01:29:10,513 --> 01:29:12,140
and I'm going to tell you this right now.
1861
01:29:12,306 --> 01:29:16,185
There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.
1862
01:29:16,519 --> 01:29:17,937
Thank you, Daddy.
1863
01:29:18,021 --> 01:29:21,691
There's no such thing
as ghosts, tree werewolves,
1864
01:29:21,858 --> 01:29:25,528
angry store mannequins with dead eyes
1865
01:29:25,611 --> 01:29:27,780
who look at you like this.
1866
01:29:28,448 --> 01:29:30,283
I'm starting to get scared.
1867
01:29:30,366 --> 01:29:32,493
Why? I'm telling you things
that aren't real.
1868
01:29:32,618 --> 01:29:34,120
So what's real that's scary?
1869
01:29:34,454 --> 01:29:35,747
You really want to know
1870
01:29:35,830 --> 01:29:37,498
the one thing you should be afraid of?
1871
01:29:37,957 --> 01:29:39,792
Yes, I really do.
1872
01:29:39,959 --> 01:29:41,753
- Voodoo.
- Voodoo?
1873
01:29:41,836 --> 01:29:43,046
Yes, voodoo.
1874
01:29:43,129 --> 01:29:47,842
That shit will mess you up.
And it is 100% real.
1875
01:29:48,051 --> 01:29:49,385
Promise me
1876
01:29:50,053 --> 01:29:51,387
that you'll never go to Haiti.
1877
01:29:51,804 --> 01:29:53,389
I promise, Dad.
1878
01:29:53,473 --> 01:29:55,433
This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.
1879
01:29:55,516 --> 01:29:56,684
Me, too, Dad.
1880
01:29:59,812 --> 01:30:00,855
I love you?
1881
01:30:00,980 --> 01:30:01,981
What?
1882
01:30:03,191 --> 01:30:04,984
Are you trying to say you love me?
1883
01:30:05,068 --> 01:30:06,569
No. No.
1884
01:30:08,654 --> 01:30:10,698
What do you think I am,
some kind of fruit?
1885
01:30:10,990 --> 01:30:12,700
What did you tell him?
1886
01:30:12,825 --> 01:30:14,535
I didn't tell him anything.
1887
01:30:14,660 --> 01:30:18,206
Well, for one, he called Gary
a shit-heel!
1888
01:30:18,539 --> 01:30:19,999
And he hasn't slept for four days!
1889
01:30:20,083 --> 01:30:22,293
He keeps talking about tree werewolves.
1890
01:30:22,376 --> 01:30:24,879
Ron, listen to me. He is seven years old.
1891
01:30:25,004 --> 01:30:27,757
You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!
1892
01:30:27,840 --> 01:30:31,010
He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00,
1893
01:30:31,344 --> 01:30:32,845
and he wants you to be there.
1894
01:30:32,929 --> 01:30:35,431
I will be there. All right?
1895
01:30:35,681 --> 01:30:37,016
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?
1896
01:30:37,100 --> 01:30:39,352
I'm not discussing
work with you, Ron, okay?
1897
01:30:39,435 --> 01:30:42,105
Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.
1898
01:30:42,438 --> 01:30:43,439
Fine!
1899
01:30:44,524 --> 01:30:46,484
Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.
1900
01:30:46,567 --> 01:30:49,195
Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat,
1901
01:30:49,362 --> 01:30:50,863
the head of the PLO and, some say,
1902
01:30:50,947 --> 01:30:52,281
the key to peace in the Middle East.
1903
01:30:52,365 --> 01:30:55,701
Of course, Ms. Corningstone is
the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,
1904
01:30:56,619 --> 01:30:58,788
so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.
1905
01:30:58,871 --> 01:31:00,540
Terry Bradshaw's nipple!
1906
01:31:00,832 --> 01:31:03,918
Thank you for watching GNN.
I'm Jack Me-off!
1907
01:31:09,215 --> 01:31:12,260
We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.
1908
01:31:12,969 --> 01:31:15,221
I really thought we had
a chance this time.
1909
01:31:15,388 --> 01:31:17,807
What about my
"Death From Above" story?
1910
01:31:18,724 --> 01:31:21,060
You better ask Ron about that.
1911
01:31:22,562 --> 01:31:24,063
We're pulling that story, Brian.
1912
01:31:24,147 --> 01:31:26,983
What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.
1913
01:31:27,108 --> 01:31:28,484
It was my call, all right, Brian?
1914
01:31:28,609 --> 01:31:30,319
Just let it go. It's synergy.
1915
01:31:30,653 --> 01:31:31,654
What does that mean?
1916
01:31:31,904 --> 01:31:33,197
Take it easy, Ron.
1917
01:31:33,281 --> 01:31:35,867
We got further than anybody thought
we would. We'll get 'em next time.
1918
01:31:35,950 --> 01:31:37,201
You take it easy!
1919
01:31:37,577 --> 01:31:39,120
I'm not in this to finish second!
1920
01:31:39,287 --> 01:31:40,746
I think Champ is just saying that we...
1921
01:31:40,830 --> 01:31:44,000
I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?
1922
01:31:44,333 --> 01:31:46,419
And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.
1923
01:31:47,086 --> 01:31:49,881
I mean, let's face it.
You'd be nowhere without me.
1924
01:31:50,256 --> 01:31:53,509
I'm the one who got invited
to the set of Urban Cowboy.
1925
01:31:53,759 --> 01:31:55,178
Not you guys!
1926
01:31:55,261 --> 01:31:57,847
I'm the one with the hot black girlfriend.
1927
01:31:57,972 --> 01:32:00,808
I'm the one who gets
his Caesar salad made table-side!
1928
01:32:01,100 --> 01:32:03,352
- That is nice.
- Oh, salad.
1929
01:32:03,603 --> 01:32:06,022
I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.
1930
01:32:06,355 --> 01:32:09,192
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.
1931
01:32:09,358 --> 01:32:10,818
Shut up, Brick!
1932
01:32:11,027 --> 01:32:13,112
Just shut up for once!
1933
01:32:13,821 --> 01:32:16,949
Ron yelled at me.
1934
01:32:17,116 --> 01:32:18,826
You're damn right I yelled at you!
1935
01:32:18,951 --> 01:32:21,162
When you talk nonsense for 15 years,
1936
01:32:21,287 --> 01:32:23,789
someone's going to get
just a little bit tired of it!
1937
01:32:26,542 --> 01:32:30,213
You don't yell at Brick.
Are you still smoking crack?
1938
01:32:30,713 --> 01:32:31,881
No.
1939
01:32:32,506 --> 01:32:34,342
I only smoked that one time.
1940
01:32:35,134 --> 01:32:38,137
That's a lie. I've done it six more times.
1941
01:32:38,512 --> 01:32:39,847
You made Brick cry.
1942
01:32:41,349 --> 01:32:43,726
You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.
1943
01:32:45,978 --> 01:32:48,522
But, seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?
1944
01:32:48,648 --> 01:32:50,191
You know what, Ron?
1945
01:32:50,316 --> 01:32:52,610
We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.
1946
01:32:52,693 --> 01:32:54,612
But I don't like the man you've become.
1947
01:32:54,695 --> 01:32:57,490
You know, we were happy
when you found us. Right?
1948
01:32:57,573 --> 01:32:59,367
I was taking pictures of pussies,
1949
01:32:59,575 --> 01:33:02,203
Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.
1950
01:33:02,328 --> 01:33:03,537
We took a gamble.
1951
01:33:03,829 --> 01:33:05,206
Took a gamble to follow you here.
1952
01:33:05,331 --> 01:33:07,291
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,
1953
01:33:07,375 --> 01:33:08,793
and beating Veronica at all costs.
1954
01:33:08,876 --> 01:33:10,253
It had nothing to do with the news,
1955
01:33:10,336 --> 01:33:12,296
- nothing to do with the team.
- Brian, don't.
1956
01:33:12,380 --> 01:33:14,131
You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,
1957
01:33:14,215 --> 01:33:16,217
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.
1958
01:33:16,509 --> 01:33:18,594
I know that if you're pleasuring
a woman down south,
1959
01:33:18,678 --> 01:33:21,514
you use your tongue to spell
out the alphabet around her...
1960
01:33:22,223 --> 01:33:23,849
The bubble. Around her bubble.
1961
01:33:23,975 --> 01:33:26,269
- The vulva!
- The Volvo.
1962
01:33:26,519 --> 01:33:28,145
I always do the KISS logo
1963
01:33:28,229 --> 01:33:30,356
or the Led Zeppelin "ZoSo" symbols.
1964
01:33:30,690 --> 01:33:32,566
I know the El Camino
is the coolest thing ever
1965
01:33:32,692 --> 01:33:34,360
because it's a car and it's a truck
1966
01:33:34,443 --> 01:33:36,529
and that's just two
different ways to get pussy.
1967
01:33:36,696 --> 01:33:39,115
I can't argue with any of those points.
1968
01:33:39,198 --> 01:33:41,617
And I know that no matter what,
1969
01:33:41,742 --> 01:33:44,745
you always stand by your friends.
1970
01:33:45,121 --> 01:33:46,706
Sorry, Brian.
1971
01:33:47,707 --> 01:33:49,625
I've got a sore back.
1972
01:33:49,709 --> 01:33:51,752
You'll have to excuse me.
1973
01:33:52,044 --> 01:33:55,214
It's so sore from carrying your ass
for the last 15 years.
1974
01:33:57,383 --> 01:33:59,885
I think you're sick in the head, Burgundy.
1975
01:34:01,429 --> 01:34:04,307
Thankfully, I've got
a whole spoon full of medicine.
1976
01:34:10,271 --> 01:34:12,273
I don't know who I am.
1977
01:34:12,440 --> 01:34:15,443
Oh, my God! The room is spinning.
1978
01:34:15,735 --> 01:34:17,403
You'll regret this!
1979
01:34:17,570 --> 01:34:20,489
You'll regret this, Brian!
1980
01:34:20,573 --> 01:34:23,743
I can't move my left side of my body.
1981
01:34:24,827 --> 01:34:27,330
One, two, three, get up
on the count of three.
1982
01:34:27,538 --> 01:34:28,998
One, two, three.
1983
01:34:35,004 --> 01:34:38,758
Tonight, I interview Yasser Arafat,
the secretive head of the PLO.
1984
01:34:38,841 --> 01:34:41,052
Hey, don't let her
get into your head, Ron.
1985
01:34:41,135 --> 01:34:42,261
I can't believe this.
1986
01:34:42,345 --> 01:34:43,888
How do you even get that guy's number?
1987
01:34:43,971 --> 01:34:46,599
We've got to get someone
from a foreign country.
1988
01:34:46,849 --> 01:34:49,643
Guys, we're on in 20, 20, Ron.
1989
01:34:50,478 --> 01:34:51,896
You ready?
1990
01:34:51,979 --> 01:34:53,731
What's that, huh?
1991
01:34:53,814 --> 01:34:56,192
Oh, that's nothing. It's just a car chase
1992
01:34:56,317 --> 01:34:58,652
on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.
1993
01:34:59,362 --> 01:35:00,988
You know what?
1994
01:35:01,447 --> 01:35:03,741
Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
1995
01:35:03,824 --> 01:35:06,535
No. That's not news, Ron.
1996
01:35:06,786 --> 01:35:08,537
Give it to me live, okay?
1997
01:35:08,704 --> 01:35:11,040
- And don't question me again.
- Bill!
1998
01:35:11,123 --> 01:35:15,002
Journalists back in 1980
thought that a car chase wasn't news.
1999
01:35:15,586 --> 01:35:19,632
But Ron Burgundy wasn't a journalist,
he was an anchorman.
2000
01:35:19,799 --> 01:35:22,009
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,
2001
01:35:22,134 --> 01:35:23,844
reporting live from New York.
2002
01:35:24,053 --> 01:35:25,888
We have breaking news developing
2003
01:35:25,971 --> 01:35:27,640
in our nation's heartland.
2004
01:35:27,723 --> 01:35:31,185
A high-speed car chase is in progress...
2005
01:35:31,394 --> 01:35:33,312
Keep the "Breaking News" logo up.
Keep up the graphic.
2006
01:35:33,396 --> 01:35:35,064
...reaching speeds of up to 100 mph.
2007
01:35:35,147 --> 01:35:37,108
And for the first time in news history,
2008
01:35:37,191 --> 01:35:39,068
we will stay with it live
2009
01:35:39,151 --> 01:35:41,445
until it resolves
in either a huge accident
2010
01:35:41,529 --> 01:35:43,781
or a massive shootout.
2011
01:35:43,864 --> 01:35:47,118
Ron Burgundy is so brave
for covering this.
2012
01:35:47,201 --> 01:35:48,661
What an American!
2013
01:35:49,995 --> 01:35:51,997
Are you worried
your dad's not gonna come?
2014
01:35:52,081 --> 01:35:54,583
He'll be here. He promised he would.
2015
01:35:55,167 --> 01:35:57,044
Does he usually stick to his promises?
2016
01:35:57,503 --> 01:36:00,423
Always. Except not most of the times.
2017
01:36:02,341 --> 01:36:04,218
We're going to stay with this live.
2018
01:36:04,343 --> 01:36:06,804
I know there's other news out there.
2019
01:36:06,887 --> 01:36:10,349
There's boring interviews
with weird foreigners
2020
01:36:10,433 --> 01:36:13,227
going on right now
that are not important.
2021
01:36:13,853 --> 01:36:17,898
This is the pulse of what's going on
in our country right now.
2022
01:36:18,107 --> 01:36:19,775
Freddie, what's going on?
2023
01:36:19,859 --> 01:36:21,485
Why is there a local car chase
on the TV?
2024
01:36:21,569 --> 01:36:23,070
It's Burgundy, he insisted.
2025
01:36:23,237 --> 01:36:25,072
Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?
2026
01:36:25,197 --> 01:36:26,699
He didn't have a story so he made one!
2027
01:36:26,907 --> 01:36:28,242
You can't do that!
2028
01:36:28,701 --> 01:36:30,536
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.
2029
01:36:30,619 --> 01:36:33,622
Ron, speculate on who's driving the car.
2030
01:36:33,873 --> 01:36:37,585
We believe the driver may be on drugs.
2031
01:36:37,751 --> 01:36:42,798
He's probably 6'7", 6'8", but
a skinny 6'7", 6'8", about 160.
2032
01:36:42,882 --> 01:36:45,217
He may have a hostage or two.
2033
01:36:45,384 --> 01:36:47,553
We don't know.
He could have something in his car.
2034
01:36:47,720 --> 01:36:50,347
The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!
2035
01:36:50,431 --> 01:36:51,807
I've never seen anything like it!
2036
01:36:52,141 --> 01:36:55,436
Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario
2037
01:36:55,561 --> 01:36:57,813
by which peace could be
reached with Israel?
2038
01:36:57,980 --> 01:37:00,149
Peace is what burns in my heart...
2039
01:37:00,232 --> 01:37:01,275
What was it? Excuse me.
2040
01:37:01,817 --> 01:37:03,486
What happened to the...
2041
01:37:03,652 --> 01:37:05,446
The network cut to
another developing story.
2042
01:37:05,571 --> 01:37:07,573
Some kind of crazy car chase.
2043
01:37:07,656 --> 01:37:09,658
Who covers a car chase?
2044
01:37:09,909 --> 01:37:12,286
I'm sitting here with
the most important interview
2045
01:37:12,411 --> 01:37:13,662
of my entire career,
2046
01:37:13,787 --> 01:37:15,122
and they're cutting to a car chase?
2047
01:37:15,247 --> 01:37:16,499
This is extremely gripping.
2048
01:37:16,582 --> 01:37:19,251
He just hit a car! He just hit a car!
2049
01:37:19,335 --> 01:37:20,586
He hit a car! Did you see that?
2050
01:37:20,794 --> 01:37:22,421
Oh, they just wrecked!
2051
01:37:22,588 --> 01:37:24,340
- Wow!
- I fucking love the news!
2052
01:37:24,423 --> 01:37:25,508
Yeah!
2053
01:37:25,758 --> 01:37:27,593
Oh, my God, that car
just hit another car.
2054
01:37:27,676 --> 01:37:29,512
This is awesome.
2055
01:37:29,595 --> 01:37:31,597
And he just loses it! Wow!
2056
01:37:31,764 --> 01:37:33,182
That's exactly what we needed.
2057
01:37:33,265 --> 01:37:34,600
It was getting a little boring.
2058
01:37:38,437 --> 01:37:40,439
Hey. You did a great job.
2059
01:37:40,856 --> 01:37:42,525
Thanks, Gary.
2060
01:37:42,858 --> 01:37:44,109
I don't think your dad's coming.
2061
01:37:44,276 --> 01:37:46,111
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.
2062
01:37:48,072 --> 01:37:49,907
Stop reading my mind!
2063
01:37:50,783 --> 01:37:51,992
All right.
2064
01:37:55,955 --> 01:37:58,123
I mean, this is what I worry about.
2065
01:37:58,207 --> 01:38:00,376
My dad thinks you're like a wizard.
2066
01:38:00,459 --> 01:38:02,169
I'm a psychologist.
2067
01:38:02,294 --> 01:38:04,171
I have a ponytail, for God's sakes.
2068
01:38:04,380 --> 01:38:05,839
We're just getting word that police
2069
01:38:05,965 --> 01:38:08,342
have finally apprehended the suspect.
2070
01:38:08,717 --> 01:38:11,804
It turns out that
he is an elderly gentleman,
2071
01:38:11,971 --> 01:38:13,472
he's 80 years old,
2072
01:38:13,556 --> 01:38:15,474
and he was simply confused.
2073
01:38:15,975 --> 01:38:17,851
Wow! What an afternoon!
2074
01:38:18,143 --> 01:38:19,812
I'm Ron Burgundy.
2075
01:38:19,895 --> 01:38:22,147
I may not always know the facts
2076
01:38:22,231 --> 01:38:24,692
but I'll always tell you the truth.
2077
01:38:25,192 --> 01:38:26,360
Thank you for watching.
2078
01:38:28,028 --> 01:38:30,030
And we are clear!
2079
01:38:30,155 --> 01:38:31,156
Yes!
2080
01:38:31,657 --> 01:38:32,658
Great!
2081
01:38:32,992 --> 01:38:34,118
All right!
2082
01:38:34,201 --> 01:38:36,328
I don't believe it! You did it, Ron!
2083
01:38:36,412 --> 01:38:38,539
Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.
2084
01:38:39,873 --> 01:38:41,500
I don't deserve this.
2085
01:38:41,584 --> 01:38:43,586
It was a team effort. It really was.
2086
01:39:00,728 --> 01:39:02,187
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
2087
01:39:02,605 --> 01:39:04,523
we all know there's one reason
2088
01:39:04,607 --> 01:39:07,067
that GNN have gotten to the top.
2089
01:39:07,901 --> 01:39:09,320
And that reason is the greatest
2090
01:39:09,403 --> 01:39:10,946
bloody newsman in the world.
2091
01:39:11,030 --> 01:39:12,906
Long may he reign!
2092
01:39:13,198 --> 01:39:14,908
Mr. Ron Burgundy!
2093
01:39:15,200 --> 01:39:16,201
Yeah, Ron!
2094
01:39:16,452 --> 01:39:17,703
Yeah!
2095
01:39:25,586 --> 01:39:27,421
Fire it up, Ronny!
2096
01:39:51,111 --> 01:39:52,446
Let's blaze.
2097
01:39:52,613 --> 01:39:55,115
Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
2098
01:39:56,283 --> 01:39:58,327
We did it, my onyx hellion.
2099
01:40:00,746 --> 01:40:01,747
You're magic!
2100
01:40:06,251 --> 01:40:07,628
Good friend.
2101
01:40:22,768 --> 01:40:24,770
In the myth of Icarus,
2102
01:40:24,978 --> 01:40:27,731
Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride,
2103
01:40:27,815 --> 01:40:29,024
flew too high
2104
01:40:29,108 --> 01:40:30,943
and the sun melted his wings.
2105
01:40:32,277 --> 01:40:35,406
Ron had no idea who Icarus was.
2106
01:40:35,572 --> 01:40:38,409
He thought he was an alien villain
from Star Trek.
2107
01:40:47,000 --> 01:40:48,669
Oh, my God, Ronny!
2108
01:40:49,002 --> 01:40:50,170
Ron!
2109
01:40:50,295 --> 01:40:51,380
Open the bloody gate.
2110
01:40:51,463 --> 01:40:52,548
Somebody call an ambulance!
2111
01:40:52,631 --> 01:40:55,884
My heart is split like a melon!
2112
01:40:56,468 --> 01:40:59,304
Do not die in front of us!
2113
01:41:01,390 --> 01:41:03,475
Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
2114
01:41:16,655 --> 01:41:17,948
Damn it, Milton, what is it?
2115
01:41:18,031 --> 01:41:19,158
Well, Ron...
2116
01:41:19,700 --> 01:41:21,034
I...
2117
01:41:22,035 --> 01:41:25,497
It looks as if both optic
nerves are separated
2118
01:41:25,581 --> 01:41:27,499
from their respective corneas.
2119
01:41:27,750 --> 01:41:29,752
- What?
- No other way to put this, but...
2120
01:41:30,169 --> 01:41:31,211
You're blind.
2121
01:41:31,545 --> 01:41:35,674
But surely there's some drug
or some machine...
2122
01:41:36,341 --> 01:41:40,095
Ron, I've looked at all
the test results repeatedly.
2123
01:41:40,679 --> 01:41:42,514
There's always false positives.
2124
01:41:42,598 --> 01:41:44,808
- Run the tests again!
- Okay, all right.
2125
01:41:44,892 --> 01:41:46,560
There is one more test I can do.
2126
01:41:46,685 --> 01:41:47,728
I knew it!
2127
01:41:54,067 --> 01:41:55,360
Yep, you're blind!
2128
01:41:56,028 --> 01:41:57,905
Clearly, there must be something in this
2129
01:41:58,030 --> 01:41:59,782
new-fangled office of yours
2130
01:41:59,865 --> 01:42:01,116
- that can help me!
- Settle down.
2131
01:42:01,200 --> 01:42:02,826
There's got to be something in here!
2132
01:42:02,910 --> 01:42:04,369
Orderly. Orderly.
2133
01:42:04,536 --> 01:42:06,288
Zombies! Zombies!
2134
01:42:09,041 --> 01:42:11,710
If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you.
2135
01:42:12,544 --> 01:42:14,087
The world of the blind.
2136
01:42:14,213 --> 01:42:18,091
Ron Burgundy, a man who had
flourished in a visual medium,
2137
01:42:18,217 --> 01:42:21,470
had forever entered
this realm of darkness.
2138
01:42:40,280 --> 01:42:41,323
Who is it?
2139
01:42:44,243 --> 01:42:46,245
Ron, it's us!
2140
01:42:46,453 --> 01:42:49,456
I'm sure you gentlemen
are famished from your travels.
2141
01:42:49,581 --> 01:42:53,085
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.
2142
01:42:53,919 --> 01:42:55,754
Still hot off the griddle!
2143
01:42:56,088 --> 01:42:57,256
There we go.
2144
01:42:57,756 --> 01:42:59,925
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.
2145
01:43:00,926 --> 01:43:02,261
Jack Lime's been filling in for you
2146
01:43:02,344 --> 01:43:03,929
since you've been gone.
2147
01:43:04,012 --> 01:43:05,848
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.
2148
01:43:07,850 --> 01:43:08,934
Brick!
2149
01:43:09,268 --> 01:43:11,270
That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.
2150
01:43:12,437 --> 01:43:14,106
What about Linda? She hasn't called.
2151
01:43:14,273 --> 01:43:17,150
Linda's pretty busy.
I'm sure that's what it is.
2152
01:43:17,276 --> 01:43:19,278
Have you ever eaten
the boot from Monopoly?
2153
01:43:20,779 --> 01:43:22,489
It is so good.
2154
01:43:23,156 --> 01:43:24,741
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?
2155
01:43:24,825 --> 01:43:26,618
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.
2156
01:43:26,702 --> 01:43:28,871
Well, every day begins about the same.
2157
01:43:29,454 --> 01:43:31,331
I wake up screaming in terror
2158
01:43:31,456 --> 01:43:33,333
because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.
2159
01:43:33,458 --> 01:43:34,543
Every day?
2160
01:43:34,710 --> 01:43:36,211
Yes! Every day!
2161
01:43:36,628 --> 01:43:39,631
And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.
2162
01:43:39,798 --> 01:43:41,383
Making breakfast.
2163
01:43:41,800 --> 01:43:44,303
I've eaten everything from
nails to drink coasters.
2164
01:43:44,511 --> 01:43:46,638
Don't even bring up Thanksgiving.
2165
01:43:46,722 --> 01:43:48,807
I got halfway through a Nerf football.
2166
01:43:49,516 --> 01:43:53,645
You haven't been blind
for Thanksgiving.
2167
01:43:53,729 --> 01:43:56,064
You know what the biggest indignity is?
2168
01:43:56,315 --> 01:43:57,691
I can't even masturbate.
2169
01:43:57,816 --> 01:43:59,484
Really?
2170
01:43:59,568 --> 01:44:00,903
What's masturbate?
2171
01:44:01,361 --> 01:44:03,572
Heck, one morning I spent 20 minutes
2172
01:44:03,655 --> 01:44:05,991
aggressively rubbing my shin,
2173
01:44:06,533 --> 01:44:09,786
wondering, "Where's the sensation?
Where's the pleasure coming?"
2174
01:44:09,870 --> 01:44:11,496
Went through half a can of Crisco.
2175
01:44:11,580 --> 01:44:13,498
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?
2176
01:44:13,582 --> 01:44:16,835
Feel it. Tell me that
doesn't feel like a penis.
2177
01:44:17,336 --> 01:44:18,712
That feels like a shin.
2178
01:44:19,504 --> 01:44:22,382
Yeah, because you're feeling it
through the hands of a sighted person.
2179
01:44:22,507 --> 01:44:25,802
Ron, purely for empirical
evidence and science,
2180
01:44:25,886 --> 01:44:28,764
I'd like to feel your bony, hard cock
and compare that to a shin.
2181
01:44:28,931 --> 01:44:30,974
You think I'm stupid, don't you?
2182
01:44:31,058 --> 01:44:32,684
Go ahead, laugh at the blind man.
2183
01:44:32,768 --> 01:44:36,021
Laugh at the village fool.
The carnival freak.
2184
01:44:37,105 --> 01:44:38,941
I'm like the Elephant Man, aren't I?
2185
01:44:39,024 --> 01:44:40,567
Oh, come on, Ron.
2186
01:44:40,692 --> 01:44:43,278
Do I amuse you?
2187
01:44:43,528 --> 01:44:45,155
More!
2188
01:44:45,238 --> 01:44:48,450
I'm a man. I'm not an animal.
2189
01:44:48,742 --> 01:44:49,868
What you're going through
2190
01:44:49,952 --> 01:44:51,536
has nothing to do
with the Elephant Man.
2191
01:44:51,620 --> 01:44:53,163
It doesn't even remotely compare.
2192
01:44:53,246 --> 01:44:57,250
Let me say it real slow and real loud.
2193
01:44:57,876 --> 01:44:59,628
I'm
2194
01:44:59,711 --> 01:45:02,422
blind!
2195
01:45:03,548 --> 01:45:05,008
I guess we should get out of here.
2196
01:45:05,092 --> 01:45:06,885
Maybe you should go. Yes.
2197
01:45:06,969 --> 01:45:08,595
Why don't you guys get out of here!
2198
01:45:09,221 --> 01:45:11,598
Despite my complete and utter isolation,
2199
01:45:11,723 --> 01:45:14,935
your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!
2200
01:45:22,442 --> 01:45:23,944
Good-bye, Ron.
2201
01:45:26,154 --> 01:45:27,322
What?
2202
01:45:27,990 --> 01:45:29,324
No, don't go!
2203
01:45:29,616 --> 01:45:33,787
Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back!
2204
01:45:38,792 --> 01:45:41,461
Wait! Come back!
2205
01:45:42,129 --> 01:45:43,797
Come back!
2206
01:45:47,134 --> 01:45:48,802
I'm alone!
2207
01:45:49,636 --> 01:45:53,807
Why have you done this to me, God?
Why?
2208
01:45:54,266 --> 01:45:58,186
You feel like a big shot?
Are you a big man now?
2209
01:45:58,270 --> 01:46:00,522
Are you getting your jollies
off this one, God?
2210
01:46:00,605 --> 01:46:01,982
I hope you're happy.
2211
01:46:03,275 --> 01:46:04,735
Well, I never thought that I would see
2212
01:46:04,818 --> 01:46:08,280
the Ron Burgundy
full of so much self-pity.
2213
01:46:08,447 --> 01:46:11,116
Who is it? What is that noise?
2214
01:46:11,324 --> 01:46:12,451
Take my hand.
2215
01:46:13,160 --> 01:46:14,494
I can't see it!
2216
01:46:14,619 --> 01:46:16,038
Reach for it, Ron!
2217
01:46:16,121 --> 01:46:18,790
You have to learn to do for yourself now.
2218
01:46:19,458 --> 01:46:21,209
All right. This... Okay. Here we go.
2219
01:46:21,293 --> 01:46:22,544
Get up. There we go.
2220
01:46:25,338 --> 01:46:26,673
Cher, is that you?
2221
01:46:26,798 --> 01:46:28,675
You can't recognize me by my voice?
2222
01:46:29,801 --> 01:46:31,803
Billy Dee Williams.
2223
01:46:32,304 --> 01:46:33,346
Really?
2224
01:46:33,847 --> 01:46:36,266
Every news station is copying
what you did, Ron.
2225
01:46:36,349 --> 01:46:41,438
All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.
2226
01:46:41,855 --> 01:46:44,357
The genie has been let out of the bottle,
2227
01:46:44,691 --> 01:46:47,027
and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.
2228
01:46:47,319 --> 01:46:49,696
- That's why I quit WBC News.
- What?
2229
01:46:49,821 --> 01:46:51,990
There's no real news
being reported out there.
2230
01:46:52,074 --> 01:46:53,533
It's just all about ratings.
2231
01:46:53,825 --> 01:46:55,160
Veronica.
2232
01:46:55,744 --> 01:46:56,912
Why are you here?
2233
01:46:57,162 --> 01:46:58,830
I'm here for our son, Ron.
2234
01:46:59,081 --> 01:47:00,415
Walter needs you.
2235
01:47:00,499 --> 01:47:02,417
I need you to start taking responsibility
2236
01:47:02,501 --> 01:47:04,336
for him and for yourself.
2237
01:47:04,836 --> 01:47:07,631
Do you realize you're talking to a man
2238
01:47:07,714 --> 01:47:10,884
who just this morning tried
to brush his teeth with a...
2239
01:47:11,009 --> 01:47:13,512
With a violin that he found
at a flea market?
2240
01:47:14,262 --> 01:47:16,056
What? How?
2241
01:47:16,848 --> 01:47:19,017
Wouldn't you have known it was
a violin when you touched it?
2242
01:47:19,101 --> 01:47:22,104
I'm just saying,
it's not going to be a cakewalk.
2243
01:47:22,354 --> 01:47:24,564
Well, then we best get to it.
2244
01:47:29,736 --> 01:47:32,280
It's next to impossible. I can't do it!
2245
01:47:38,370 --> 01:47:40,080
Just remember the curves.
2246
01:47:40,288 --> 01:47:41,373
The curves.
2247
01:47:41,456 --> 01:47:43,291
- The green eyes.
- Green eyes.
2248
01:47:43,375 --> 01:47:46,503
Yes, I'm still sitting here nude
like you requested.
2249
01:47:46,586 --> 01:47:48,463
I can't do it!
2250
01:47:49,381 --> 01:47:52,592
Baxter found something on the beach!
2251
01:47:53,135 --> 01:47:54,511
Ron, be careful!
2252
01:47:54,594 --> 01:47:56,638
It's okay!
2253
01:47:56,721 --> 01:47:59,933
- Walter, what is it?
- It's some kind of fish!
2254
01:48:01,768 --> 01:48:04,062
It's not just a fish. It's a shark.
2255
01:48:04,437 --> 01:48:06,731
And by the smell of the oil from its liver,
2256
01:48:06,815 --> 01:48:08,483
it's a juvenile great white.
2257
01:48:08,817 --> 01:48:10,277
Oh, my goodness!
2258
01:48:10,402 --> 01:48:13,738
If he stays tangled in this net,
he's not going to survive.
2259
01:48:13,989 --> 01:48:15,824
Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.
2260
01:48:16,408 --> 01:48:18,618
It's not just a shark, Veronica,
2261
01:48:18,743 --> 01:48:21,079
he's a Carcharodon carcharias.
2262
01:48:21,163 --> 01:48:23,748
The largest apex predator in the ocean.
2263
01:48:25,417 --> 01:48:26,751
Son,
2264
01:48:27,169 --> 01:48:29,838
don't you worry,
we won't let this fellow die.
2265
01:48:30,255 --> 01:48:32,090
We'll do it together, Dad.
2266
01:48:35,927 --> 01:48:38,263
That should keep him in there
until he's strong enough
2267
01:48:38,346 --> 01:48:40,098
to swim out to the deep ocean.
2268
01:48:40,432 --> 01:48:41,600
Can I name him?
2269
01:48:41,683 --> 01:48:43,310
Of course you can, son.
2270
01:48:43,602 --> 01:48:46,313
What about Crackers?
2271
01:48:46,771 --> 01:48:48,732
Give me a goddamn break.
2272
01:48:48,815 --> 01:48:51,818
Seriously, you've got one of
the most vicious predators
2273
01:48:51,943 --> 01:48:54,029
in the ocean and you're
going to name him Crackers?
2274
01:48:54,112 --> 01:48:57,115
In the future, when you say
I can name something,
2275
01:48:57,449 --> 01:48:59,117
don't be a dick about it.
2276
01:48:59,326 --> 01:49:01,870
Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.
2277
01:49:02,120 --> 01:49:03,663
All right, I can live with that.
2278
01:49:06,041 --> 01:49:09,461
Don't worry, Baxter, we won't
feed him your dog food.
2279
01:49:15,800 --> 01:49:18,470
Even though Ron Burgundy
had lost his sight,
2280
01:49:18,553 --> 01:49:20,805
he had never seen so clearly.
2281
01:49:20,972 --> 01:49:23,892
He had the love of Veronica
and his son.
2282
01:49:23,975 --> 01:49:25,644
The beauty of the lighthouse.
2283
01:49:25,727 --> 01:49:30,065
And with every inch Doby grew,
so did Ron's heart.
2284
01:49:30,357 --> 01:49:32,359
Well, you're a hungry guy.
2285
01:49:34,569 --> 01:49:36,321
Got you!
2286
01:49:39,199 --> 01:49:40,659
- Yes!
- You got it.
2287
01:49:40,742 --> 01:49:42,994
You struck him out.
2288
01:49:44,996 --> 01:49:47,040
Happy birthday, Doby!
2289
01:49:47,374 --> 01:49:48,875
Ron, Walter.
2290
01:49:49,918 --> 01:49:52,796
Mom, we made a birthday cake for Doby
2291
01:49:52,879 --> 01:49:55,548
out of seal meat and chum icing.
2292
01:49:55,674 --> 01:49:57,467
- We did.
- Nice, nice.
2293
01:49:57,550 --> 01:50:00,428
Listen, I... Walter, I fear that the shark
2294
01:50:00,512 --> 01:50:02,764
is getting too big for the cove now.
2295
01:50:03,348 --> 01:50:05,183
What do you know, bitch!
2296
01:50:05,267 --> 01:50:06,601
Excuse me, young man.
2297
01:50:06,685 --> 01:50:10,355
Walter, that language
is only used by your father
2298
01:50:10,438 --> 01:50:12,232
when your mother messes up.
2299
01:50:12,357 --> 01:50:13,942
She ruins everything!
2300
01:50:14,025 --> 01:50:17,570
First she made you leave
and now she wants Doby to go.
2301
01:50:17,696 --> 01:50:19,656
It might be time to set Doby free.
2302
01:50:19,739 --> 01:50:23,118
The other day we found old man
Crowley's walker by the cove.
2303
01:50:23,201 --> 01:50:24,494
He's been missing for a week.
2304
01:50:24,577 --> 01:50:25,870
Oh, dear Lord.
2305
01:50:26,037 --> 01:50:28,206
- I'll go talk to him.
- All right.
2306
01:50:29,874 --> 01:50:31,209
Wrong way.
2307
01:50:35,046 --> 01:50:38,091
Just like the passing of the seasons,
2308
01:50:38,216 --> 01:50:40,385
it came time for Doby to return
2309
01:50:40,468 --> 01:50:43,096
to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.
2310
01:50:45,307 --> 01:50:47,267
I hear his tail splashing!
2311
01:50:47,392 --> 01:50:49,352
He's actually swimming away!
2312
01:50:49,436 --> 01:50:50,729
Do you think he's crying,
2313
01:50:50,812 --> 01:50:53,398
weeping violently
in the depths of the sea?
2314
01:50:54,316 --> 01:50:56,318
He's a shark, so, no.
2315
01:50:56,401 --> 01:50:58,820
I think that he's surrounded by water.
2316
01:50:58,903 --> 01:51:00,488
If we ever see him again,
2317
01:51:00,572 --> 01:51:02,324
do you think he'll remember us?
2318
01:51:02,407 --> 01:51:04,242
Absolutely, my son.
2319
01:51:04,659 --> 01:51:07,287
Sharks are known
for their photographic memory.
2320
01:51:07,495 --> 01:51:09,998
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?
2321
01:51:10,248 --> 01:51:11,666
I promise.
2322
01:51:11,916 --> 01:51:13,835
If I say I'll be there for you,
2323
01:51:13,918 --> 01:51:16,421
there's nothing on God's Earth
that will stop me.
2324
01:51:16,588 --> 01:51:18,089
I love you, Dad.
2325
01:51:18,256 --> 01:51:20,467
Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?
2326
01:51:20,592 --> 01:51:21,676
- Come on.
- Okay.
2327
01:51:24,763 --> 01:51:26,556
Doby, I hope you're happy.
2328
01:51:26,639 --> 01:51:29,809
And I hope you eat
lots of fish and surfers.
2329
01:51:36,358 --> 01:51:37,776
Oh, there you are.
2330
01:51:37,859 --> 01:51:41,071
I found the most beautiful clams
down by the estuary.
2331
01:51:41,154 --> 01:51:43,031
I thought we could
steam them up tonight
2332
01:51:43,114 --> 01:51:44,949
with a nice butter sauce
2333
01:51:45,033 --> 01:51:47,035
and some wine.
2334
01:51:48,870 --> 01:51:50,121
Veronica.
2335
01:51:50,205 --> 01:51:51,873
Yes, Ron?
2336
01:51:52,457 --> 01:51:54,125
Can you explain this?
2337
01:51:57,045 --> 01:52:00,048
Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.
2338
01:52:00,298 --> 01:52:01,716
Somehow, they must be getting erased.
2339
01:52:01,966 --> 01:52:04,135
But there is a procedure
2340
01:52:04,219 --> 01:52:06,554
that can possibly return your sight.
2341
01:52:06,805 --> 01:52:08,807
Please get back to me
if you're interested.
2342
01:52:09,974 --> 01:52:12,894
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?
2343
01:52:13,144 --> 01:52:15,814
Yes. Ron, just let me explain.
2344
01:52:15,897 --> 01:52:16,981
How could you?
2345
01:52:17,148 --> 01:52:18,483
We've never been this happy and...
2346
01:52:18,650 --> 01:52:20,485
Damn you, woman!
2347
01:52:21,736 --> 01:52:23,405
You lied to me!
2348
01:52:24,406 --> 01:52:26,032
I gave you everything!
2349
01:52:26,199 --> 01:52:28,076
I gave you my heart,
2350
01:52:28,410 --> 01:52:30,078
my smile,
2351
01:52:30,412 --> 01:52:31,913
my seed.
2352
01:52:32,247 --> 01:52:33,623
And you lied to me.
2353
01:52:33,706 --> 01:52:35,208
- Dad!
- Sweetheart.
2354
01:52:35,333 --> 01:52:36,668
No! Dad!
2355
01:52:36,876 --> 01:52:38,545
Don't leave, Dad!
2356
01:52:39,170 --> 01:52:40,505
Dad!
2357
01:52:41,005 --> 01:52:42,632
Sweetheart, we have to let him go.
2358
01:52:42,715 --> 01:52:44,884
He needs to go free.
2359
01:52:46,094 --> 01:52:47,762
Just like Doby.
2360
01:52:48,012 --> 01:52:50,014
He'll be back. He promised.
2361
01:52:51,850 --> 01:52:55,019
Could you please call me
a damn cab? I'm blind!
2362
01:52:55,270 --> 01:52:56,271
Of course!
2363
01:52:57,313 --> 01:53:00,483
Ron, the operation was a success.
2364
01:53:00,817 --> 01:53:04,320
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.
2365
01:53:10,160 --> 01:53:11,411
Well?
2366
01:53:11,786 --> 01:53:13,121
Yes.
2367
01:53:13,746 --> 01:53:15,331
I can see.
2368
01:53:19,043 --> 01:53:22,297
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!
2369
01:53:22,630 --> 01:53:24,215
You are my inspiration.
2370
01:53:24,340 --> 01:53:26,009
Oh, well, thank you.
2371
01:53:27,135 --> 01:53:29,220
Oh, hey, good for you, Ron. Whammy.
2372
01:53:29,429 --> 01:53:30,680
Champ.
2373
01:53:31,014 --> 01:53:32,682
Ron, you grew a mustache.
2374
01:53:32,765 --> 01:53:34,309
Brick.
2375
01:53:34,767 --> 01:53:36,019
Brick and I are having a baby!
2376
01:53:36,102 --> 01:53:37,353
We're gonna name it Sugar.
2377
01:53:37,437 --> 01:53:38,813
- I'm 22 months pregnant.
- All right.
2378
01:53:38,897 --> 01:53:40,106
Well, get over here, you bastard.
2379
01:53:40,190 --> 01:53:41,608
Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.
2380
01:53:41,733 --> 01:53:45,862
Hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.
2381
01:53:57,957 --> 01:53:59,626
How you doing there?
2382
01:54:01,628 --> 01:54:04,255
I'm fine. Just...
2383
01:54:05,256 --> 01:54:06,925
Just a lot of people in there.
2384
01:54:07,050 --> 01:54:10,887
Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.
2385
01:54:11,262 --> 01:54:13,264
There's... There's no need to explain.
2386
01:54:13,348 --> 01:54:14,682
But, listen, I mean, you're back.
2387
01:54:14,766 --> 01:54:15,808
Hello, Ron.
2388
01:54:17,143 --> 01:54:18,520
What are you doing here?
2389
01:54:18,603 --> 01:54:21,940
I had to come tell you
something very important.
2390
01:54:23,733 --> 01:54:25,151
You must be Linda Jackson.
2391
01:54:25,235 --> 01:54:26,694
You must be Veronica.
2392
01:54:26,778 --> 01:54:28,363
Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.
2393
01:54:28,696 --> 01:54:30,198
This is a touching moment for me.
2394
01:54:30,281 --> 01:54:32,242
Please, don't take this the wrong way,
2395
01:54:32,408 --> 01:54:34,494
but if you touch Ron again,
2396
01:54:34,577 --> 01:54:36,621
I will pop up from
the backseat of your car
2397
01:54:36,704 --> 01:54:38,748
and burn your face with a curling iron.
2398
01:54:38,831 --> 01:54:40,875
That's all fine and good
2399
01:54:40,959 --> 01:54:43,503
but if you did that I'd be forced
2400
01:54:43,586 --> 01:54:45,838
to put your hand in a paper shredder
2401
01:54:45,922 --> 01:54:47,632
while I smoke a cigarette.
2402
01:54:47,757 --> 01:54:50,510
Well, in that case,
I would have no choice
2403
01:54:50,593 --> 01:54:52,679
but to mail your severed foot
to your grandmother.
2404
01:54:52,762 --> 01:54:54,514
Merry Christmas, Nana.
2405
01:54:54,597 --> 01:54:56,224
I was feeling a little bit down
2406
01:54:56,307 --> 01:54:58,184
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.
2407
01:54:58,476 --> 01:55:00,812
Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone
2408
01:55:00,937 --> 01:55:03,773
and it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
2409
01:55:03,856 --> 01:55:05,733
This has been great.
2410
01:55:05,817 --> 01:55:07,402
Bye, Linda.
2411
01:55:08,152 --> 01:55:10,238
I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.
2412
01:55:10,321 --> 01:55:11,864
I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
2413
01:55:12,031 --> 01:55:15,201
because Walter has
a piano recital in half an hour
2414
01:55:15,326 --> 01:55:17,495
at the Tishman School on 65th Street.
2415
01:55:17,829 --> 01:55:20,123
And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.
2416
01:55:20,206 --> 01:55:22,083
Walter.
2417
01:55:22,166 --> 01:55:25,211
It would mean the absolute world
to him to have you there.
2418
01:55:25,336 --> 01:55:27,213
Ron, I just got a call from
the control room!
2419
01:55:27,338 --> 01:55:29,048
Oh, big fan. Oh, Ron...
2420
01:55:29,173 --> 01:55:33,261
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom
2421
01:55:33,344 --> 01:55:34,846
Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd...
2422
01:55:34,971 --> 01:55:36,514
Oh, sure.
Four's a family
2423
01:55:36,681 --> 01:55:37,682
Five's a crowd
2424
01:55:38,057 --> 01:55:40,268
The neighbors get mad
'Cause the family's so loud
2425
01:55:40,643 --> 01:55:42,562
It's so funny.
2426
01:55:42,687 --> 01:55:43,771
That's it.
2427
01:55:43,855 --> 01:55:45,898
She found out that her husband
was cheating on her
2428
01:55:46,232 --> 01:55:49,027
and she severed his penis
while he slept!
2429
01:55:49,193 --> 01:55:50,361
Oh, my goodness.
2430
01:55:50,528 --> 01:55:53,698
The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,
2431
01:55:53,906 --> 01:55:57,535
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!
2432
01:55:57,660 --> 01:55:59,662
We've got an exclusive on the live feed,
2433
01:55:59,746 --> 01:56:01,789
but we've got to go, right now!
2434
01:56:01,873 --> 01:56:04,834
Ron, this can be your comeback.
2435
01:56:05,543 --> 01:56:07,170
- Veronica, I...
- No, Ron. No.
2436
01:56:07,253 --> 01:56:09,881
That... That will get sky-high ratings.
2437
01:56:11,049 --> 01:56:14,052
- Walter will understand.
- Walter will understand.
2438
01:56:14,427 --> 01:56:15,553
Go.
2439
01:56:16,220 --> 01:56:17,930
Come on, Ron. Priorities!
2440
01:56:18,056 --> 01:56:20,058
- Veronica!
- Come on!
2441
01:56:22,060 --> 01:56:23,102
Can you hear me?
2442
01:56:23,227 --> 01:56:25,104
Yes, yes, you're coming in
loud and clear.
2443
01:56:25,271 --> 01:56:26,648
You're back and you get this story.
2444
01:56:26,856 --> 01:56:28,524
- This is gonna be huge.
- Right.
2445
01:56:28,608 --> 01:56:30,193
God, look at him.
2446
01:56:30,276 --> 01:56:32,028
Like a beacon in the night!
2447
01:56:32,111 --> 01:56:34,322
- My golden goose.
- All right, baby.
2448
01:56:34,530 --> 01:56:36,074
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.
2449
01:56:36,157 --> 01:56:37,617
Five, four,
2450
01:56:37,784 --> 01:56:40,411
three, two...
2451
01:56:40,536 --> 01:56:43,581
Good evening, America.
After some time off,
2452
01:56:44,082 --> 01:56:47,418
it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.
2453
01:56:47,585 --> 01:56:50,672
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,
2454
01:56:51,214 --> 01:56:54,384
a cut-off penis, a TV star,
2455
01:56:54,676 --> 01:56:59,263
twelve kilos of cocaine,
devil worship, and a car chase.
2456
01:56:59,347 --> 01:57:00,598
And throw it to the feed.
2457
01:57:02,684 --> 01:57:04,185
The only problem is...
2458
01:57:05,687 --> 01:57:07,605
- What's he doing?
- Ron, are you okay?
2459
01:57:08,106 --> 01:57:09,732
- It's not news.
- What?
2460
01:57:09,857 --> 01:57:12,026
- Turn off the prompter.
- Ron, this is Kench.
2461
01:57:12,110 --> 01:57:13,528
What the hell do you think
you're doing, mate?
2462
01:57:13,611 --> 01:57:15,113
Just read what's in front of you,
2463
01:57:15,238 --> 01:57:17,407
or I will ruin you! Don't!
2464
01:57:17,699 --> 01:57:19,951
Don't! You leave Kench
inside your head!
2465
01:57:20,451 --> 01:57:22,453
God damn it!
2466
01:57:22,704 --> 01:57:25,790
You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,
2467
01:57:25,957 --> 01:57:29,210
but it's taken me until now
2468
01:57:29,627 --> 01:57:32,130
to realize what real news is.
2469
01:57:32,255 --> 01:57:34,716
Real news is supposed
to let people know
2470
01:57:34,799 --> 01:57:36,300
what the powerful are up to,
2471
01:57:36,384 --> 01:57:39,262
so that that power
doesn't become corrupt.
2472
01:57:39,429 --> 01:57:42,223
But what happens when
the powerful own the news?
2473
01:57:44,559 --> 01:57:47,729
Recently, I've been on a bit
of a personal journey.
2474
01:57:47,812 --> 01:57:51,315
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.
2475
01:57:53,151 --> 01:57:55,153
I became blind.
2476
01:57:55,236 --> 01:57:57,739
I bottle-fed and raised a shark.
2477
01:57:58,072 --> 01:58:00,908
And I smoked a fair amount of crack.
2478
01:58:01,117 --> 01:58:03,453
But the most important thing
I've learned is that
2479
01:58:03,828 --> 01:58:05,830
there was an emptiness left
2480
01:58:06,247 --> 01:58:07,582
after turning my back on three
2481
01:58:07,665 --> 01:58:10,001
of the best friends
anyone could ever ask for.
2482
01:58:10,334 --> 01:58:11,586
Hi, Ron!
2483
01:58:11,669 --> 01:58:13,588
So, if you'll excuse me,
2484
01:58:13,671 --> 01:58:16,132
I'm going to see my child's recital
2485
01:58:16,841 --> 01:58:20,178
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.
2486
01:58:20,970 --> 01:58:24,307
Good night, America, and never forget,
2487
01:58:24,974 --> 01:58:26,267
you deserve the truth.
2488
01:58:30,438 --> 01:58:32,273
Good. He's dead, done. Linda,
2489
01:58:32,482 --> 01:58:34,108
get the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!
2490
01:58:34,192 --> 01:58:35,693
He's coming back!
2491
01:58:35,777 --> 01:58:38,696
Also, I just wanted to say
a quick hello to Baxter.
2492
01:58:39,363 --> 01:58:41,032
Hello, Baxter.
2493
01:58:42,366 --> 01:58:44,202
We've got dead air.
2494
01:58:44,327 --> 01:58:46,037
Yes, yes, yes.
2495
01:58:46,120 --> 01:58:47,455
We're taking care of it right now.
2496
01:58:50,792 --> 01:58:51,793
Guys, I'm sorry.
2497
01:58:52,126 --> 01:58:53,211
For a while there,
2498
01:58:53,336 --> 01:58:55,338
I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.
2499
01:58:55,505 --> 01:58:58,549
Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
2500
01:58:58,966 --> 01:59:00,134
Brian, I...
2501
01:59:00,301 --> 01:59:02,720
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.
2502
01:59:02,804 --> 01:59:04,305
It was excellent reporting.
2503
01:59:04,388 --> 01:59:07,266
And, Champ, I'm really sorry for...
2504
01:59:09,477 --> 01:59:14,982
Actually, I wasn't gonna
apologize for anything to you.
2505
01:59:15,066 --> 01:59:16,567
You've done horrible things to me.
2506
01:59:17,068 --> 01:59:18,653
Ron, you're a good man
2507
01:59:18,736 --> 01:59:20,738
but you've fallen victim to your own ego
2508
01:59:20,822 --> 01:59:22,490
and your own hubris.
2509
01:59:22,573 --> 01:59:26,369
And before others can forgive you,
you must learn to forgive yourself.
2510
01:59:29,539 --> 01:59:30,706
What was that, Brick?
2511
01:59:31,082 --> 01:59:33,251
I have a hot dog in my desk.
2512
01:59:33,876 --> 01:59:35,086
Thank you.
2513
01:59:35,253 --> 01:59:37,839
So that's it, huh? You're sorry.
2514
01:59:39,006 --> 01:59:41,759
You know what, Burgundy,
apologies are like assholes.
2515
01:59:42,260 --> 01:59:44,846
Everyone's got one
and everyone's got a shoebox
2516
01:59:44,929 --> 01:59:46,722
full of Polaroids of them under the bed.
2517
01:59:47,515 --> 01:59:49,100
I don't know what that means.
2518
01:59:49,225 --> 01:59:51,519
It means that apologies are cheap
2519
01:59:52,687 --> 01:59:57,108
and that I have a shoebox full
of Polaroids of butt holes
2520
01:59:57,191 --> 01:59:58,734
and I keep it under my bed.
2521
01:59:59,110 --> 02:00:01,571
Maybe one day you'll...
2522
02:00:01,946 --> 02:00:06,367
You'll think enough of me
to let me buy you a beer
2523
02:00:06,450 --> 02:00:08,578
and we can look
at that shoebox together.
2524
02:00:08,786 --> 02:00:10,621
Don't hold your breath.
2525
02:00:10,705 --> 02:00:14,542
I only show that shoebox to
my good friends and hitchhikers.
2526
02:00:14,625 --> 02:00:16,460
- I understand.
- Ron...
2527
02:00:16,544 --> 02:00:19,964
We're the news team. This can't end.
2528
02:00:20,464 --> 02:00:24,969
Well, we'll see how this one
does at the box office.
2529
02:00:25,469 --> 02:00:27,013
What?
2530
02:00:27,471 --> 02:00:29,056
Just let him go, Champ.
2531
02:00:33,936 --> 02:00:35,313
Ron!
2532
02:00:37,773 --> 02:00:41,777
Long live Ron Burgundy!
2533
02:00:44,322 --> 02:00:46,490
Guys, he's gonna come to my recital.
2534
02:00:48,993 --> 02:00:50,578
Taxi!
2535
02:00:50,661 --> 02:00:52,622
Taxi! Taxi!
2536
02:00:52,955 --> 02:00:53,956
Damn it!
2537
02:00:54,123 --> 02:00:57,752
It's so hard for a rich white man
to get a taxi in this city!
2538
02:00:58,669 --> 02:01:01,339
- Thank you.
- Is Dad going to come?
2539
02:01:01,672 --> 02:01:03,841
No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.
2540
02:01:03,925 --> 02:01:06,093
He's going to come. I know it.
2541
02:01:06,844 --> 02:01:08,262
Taxi!
2542
02:01:08,346 --> 02:01:10,014
I need to see my son!
2543
02:01:10,139 --> 02:01:12,516
And now, to play an original composition
2544
02:01:12,600 --> 02:01:14,435
that he wrote for his father,
2545
02:01:14,518 --> 02:01:17,521
here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.
2546
02:01:25,863 --> 02:01:28,616
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!
2547
02:01:32,203 --> 02:01:33,371
What the hell?
2548
02:01:33,704 --> 02:01:35,289
Well, hello, Ron.
2549
02:01:35,790 --> 02:01:37,124
You out for a jog?
2550
02:01:37,208 --> 02:01:38,542
Jack Lime!
2551
02:01:39,710 --> 02:01:41,045
Where's everyone going?
2552
02:01:41,128 --> 02:01:42,964
Please. I don't have time to talk, okay?
2553
02:01:43,047 --> 02:01:44,340
I have to be somewhere.
2554
02:01:44,465 --> 02:01:47,051
Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be
2555
02:01:47,176 --> 02:01:49,887
'cause you pretty much
destroyed my career.
2556
02:01:49,971 --> 02:01:51,472
Do you realize what it did to me,
2557
02:01:51,555 --> 02:01:53,391
by making me call myself Jack Lame?
2558
02:01:54,225 --> 02:01:56,560
It was a living hell!
2559
02:01:56,978 --> 02:01:58,980
I had to get a new driver's license.
2560
02:01:59,063 --> 02:02:01,315
I can't get restaurant reservations!
2561
02:02:02,900 --> 02:02:04,235
I have to do my own hair.
2562
02:02:04,402 --> 02:02:07,571
Look, I'm sorry but I'm out
of the news game.
2563
02:02:07,697 --> 02:02:08,990
I just walked away.
2564
02:02:09,073 --> 02:02:11,409
You can't just walk away from the news.
2565
02:02:11,659 --> 02:02:14,328
It's like a... It's like a frat or KISS Army.
2566
02:02:14,412 --> 02:02:15,871
You're in it for life.
2567
02:02:15,997 --> 02:02:18,833
I'm telling you, you have to let me go!
2568
02:02:19,166 --> 02:02:21,168
Oh, don't worry. Four against one.
2569
02:02:21,252 --> 02:02:22,670
This will be over fast.
2570
02:02:23,796 --> 02:02:25,297
Maybe not so fast!
2571
02:02:29,093 --> 02:02:31,345
My news team. Thank God!
2572
02:02:33,097 --> 02:02:37,476
Ain't a day that will be or has been
that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.
2573
02:02:37,852 --> 02:02:39,937
Not a problem. When I'm done
with these mutts,
2574
02:02:40,062 --> 02:02:41,605
I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.
2575
02:02:41,689 --> 02:02:43,524
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?
2576
02:02:43,607 --> 02:02:45,192
When I'm done with you,
2577
02:02:45,276 --> 02:02:47,778
I hope we can be friends in the future
2578
02:02:47,862 --> 02:02:49,613
and maybe see a movie together.
2579
02:02:49,780 --> 02:02:51,115
Wait!
2580
02:02:54,452 --> 02:02:57,538
It's too bad you don't have
free health care
2581
02:02:57,621 --> 02:03:00,124
because the BBC World Service
2582
02:03:00,207 --> 02:03:02,877
is about to beat your arses bloody!
2583
02:03:04,336 --> 02:03:06,338
God save the Queen
2584
02:03:06,422 --> 02:03:09,467
and God kill Ron Burgundy!
2585
02:03:11,469 --> 02:03:12,970
No. Not now.
2586
02:03:13,095 --> 02:03:14,472
Fall back, fall back.
2587
02:03:18,476 --> 02:03:19,727
If y'all are gonna get down,
2588
02:03:19,810 --> 02:03:22,938
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTVVJ News crew need in!
2589
02:03:23,314 --> 02:03:25,149
What the hell's a VJ?
2590
02:03:26,067 --> 02:03:27,777
I don't know.
2591
02:03:28,152 --> 02:03:30,071
Is that like a vlow job?
2592
02:03:30,988 --> 02:03:32,406
It's the future, sucker!
2593
02:03:32,490 --> 02:03:34,158
We gonna play all videos
2594
02:03:34,283 --> 02:03:36,911
and then eventually just reality shows!
2595
02:03:40,456 --> 02:03:42,416
It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.
2596
02:03:42,500 --> 02:03:45,086
And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.
2597
02:03:45,169 --> 02:03:47,838
Entertainment and news,
that's a contradiction.
2598
02:03:47,963 --> 02:03:50,091
In celebrity gossip,
guess who was seen canoodling
2599
02:03:50,174 --> 02:03:51,509
with death at Spago?
2600
02:03:51,634 --> 02:03:52,843
Ron Burgundy!
2601
02:03:52,968 --> 02:03:54,261
Tonight's top story,
2602
02:03:54,345 --> 02:03:56,138
an exclusive interview with Jamie Farr
2603
02:03:56,347 --> 02:03:58,265
plus a couple of douche bag anchormen
2604
02:03:58,349 --> 02:04:00,643
get their balls stomped!
2605
02:04:00,851 --> 02:04:02,353
Hey!
2606
02:04:03,020 --> 02:04:06,023
There's not gonna be any fight
without Scott Riles
2607
02:04:06,148 --> 02:04:08,818
and the incredibly polite
Canadian news team.
2608
02:04:10,361 --> 02:04:12,947
What about the French-speaking
Quebec News?
2609
02:04:13,030 --> 02:04:14,365
The real voice of Canada!
2610
02:04:14,490 --> 02:04:15,491
Give it a rest, eh?
2611
02:04:15,699 --> 02:04:18,369
Give me a break! They can't have news.
2612
02:04:18,452 --> 02:04:19,870
Nothing happens in Canada!
2613
02:04:20,037 --> 02:04:21,705
That's not true!
2614
02:04:21,789 --> 02:04:23,791
Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.
2615
02:04:23,874 --> 02:04:25,459
And sometimes the lake freezes.
2616
02:04:25,876 --> 02:04:27,545
I like your ginger ale!
2617
02:04:31,799 --> 02:04:34,802
This is Jeff Bullington, ESPN. All sports.
2618
02:04:34,885 --> 02:04:39,306
That's 24 hours of sports,
but today it's 23
2619
02:04:39,390 --> 02:04:40,975
'cause one of those hours is me
2620
02:04:41,058 --> 02:04:43,227
rectally extracting your spine.
2621
02:04:43,394 --> 02:04:45,396
Twenty-four hours of sports?
2622
02:04:45,521 --> 02:04:47,148
That actually sounds pretty good to me.
2623
02:04:47,231 --> 02:04:48,399
I'd watch that.
2624
02:04:48,774 --> 02:04:52,153
Hey. The History Network wants
in on this. We're news, too.
2625
02:04:52,236 --> 02:04:55,156
Only news told much, much later.
2626
02:04:56,490 --> 02:04:58,242
Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
2627
02:04:58,325 --> 02:04:59,910
of Stonewall Jackson with you?
2628
02:04:59,994 --> 02:05:02,538
Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.
2629
02:05:03,914 --> 02:05:06,000
The Minotaur isn't even history!
2630
02:05:06,083 --> 02:05:08,544
He's mythology! You're crossing
a lot of formats here.
2631
02:05:10,588 --> 02:05:12,590
Hey, let's not downplay the fact that
2632
02:05:12,715 --> 02:05:15,092
that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
2633
02:05:15,176 --> 02:05:19,430
May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.
2634
02:05:19,597 --> 02:05:23,017
You guys got room in this battle
for an old war horse?
2635
02:05:23,100 --> 02:05:25,102
Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?
2636
02:05:25,227 --> 02:05:26,437
You're too old for this.
2637
02:05:26,562 --> 02:05:28,772
I had a crush on him
when I was a schoolgirl.
2638
02:05:28,856 --> 02:05:31,859
You like it wrinkled, huh?
2639
02:05:32,067 --> 02:05:34,278
Well, you see, there's the thing.
2640
02:05:34,361 --> 02:05:36,530
When there's an early moon,
2641
02:05:37,448 --> 02:05:40,284
I almost feel like a stallion again!
2642
02:05:40,534 --> 02:05:42,119
He's on our side, right, Ron?
2643
02:05:50,252 --> 02:05:51,712
He's a were-hyena!
2644
02:05:53,797 --> 02:05:55,633
Oh, my God, don't chase us!
2645
02:05:58,552 --> 02:06:00,804
All right, everyone, listen up!
2646
02:06:04,308 --> 02:06:07,478
By virtue of being on this battlefield,
2647
02:06:07,728 --> 02:06:09,563
there is no return.
2648
02:06:10,564 --> 02:06:12,149
People will die.
2649
02:06:12,316 --> 02:06:14,985
Hey, everyone,
if I happen to kill you today...
2650
02:06:15,069 --> 02:06:16,612
Sorry.
2651
02:06:16,820 --> 02:06:19,990
I would be remiss if I did not
mention one last thing...
2652
02:06:20,115 --> 02:06:22,409
Today's blood soaked battle
2653
02:06:22,493 --> 02:06:24,954
will be sponsored by R.C. Cola,
2654
02:06:25,496 --> 02:06:27,498
a delicious beverage
2655
02:06:27,623 --> 02:06:30,000
when you're about
to behead a colleague.
2656
02:06:30,668 --> 02:06:35,089
And as usual, no touching
of the hair and face!
2657
02:06:35,172 --> 02:06:37,341
Yeah, that's... I can go with that one.
2658
02:06:37,466 --> 02:06:38,842
I wouldn't appreciate it.
2659
02:06:38,968 --> 02:06:40,928
When El Trousias,
2660
02:06:41,011 --> 02:06:44,139
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,
2661
02:06:44,807 --> 02:06:46,976
let the battle begin!
2662
02:06:47,101 --> 02:06:49,353
I am El Trousias!
2663
02:06:51,355 --> 02:06:54,024
Hear my siren song!
2664
02:06:55,901 --> 02:06:56,986
She's pretty.
2665
02:06:57,069 --> 02:06:58,696
- Yeah, she has a nice figure.
- I'm not jealous of her.
2666
02:06:58,779 --> 02:06:59,822
No.
2667
02:07:00,531 --> 02:07:02,157
Banged her.
2668
02:07:07,538 --> 02:07:09,373
That means you can start.
2669
02:07:10,040 --> 02:07:12,668
Man, that's like from
a Kajagoogoo video.
2670
02:07:14,044 --> 02:07:16,380
Brick, what the hell is that?
2671
02:07:16,547 --> 02:07:18,299
It's a gun from the future.
2672
02:07:18,382 --> 02:07:20,050
Where did you get it from?
2673
02:07:41,697 --> 02:07:42,823
Huzzah!
2674
02:08:16,106 --> 02:08:18,150
An eye for an eye, I guess I owe you.
2675
02:08:19,360 --> 02:08:21,362
Oh, I'd love to meet Shelly Hack.
Terrific.
2676
02:08:23,155 --> 02:08:26,784
Cowboys don't have throwing stars.
2677
02:08:26,867 --> 02:08:29,328
Man, Burgundy, you're strong as shit.
2678
02:08:29,411 --> 02:08:31,080
I drink Ovaltine for breakfast.
2679
02:08:31,497 --> 02:08:33,415
Son, how's my hair?
2680
02:08:33,957 --> 02:08:34,958
Thanks.
2681
02:08:42,549 --> 02:08:45,344
Fill that gap. Fall upon your swords.
2682
02:08:45,594 --> 02:08:47,096
Life has no meaning.
2683
02:08:50,432 --> 02:08:51,767
There will be a mint julep
2684
02:08:51,850 --> 02:08:54,061
waiting on the other side, sir.
2685
02:08:55,354 --> 02:08:58,107
Release your soul to me.
2686
02:09:20,963 --> 02:09:21,964
Sorry!
2687
02:09:22,840 --> 02:09:24,466
Sorry! Sorry!
2688
02:09:25,008 --> 02:09:26,718
Sex Panther, I summon thee!
2689
02:09:42,693 --> 02:09:44,111
Oh, no! Look out!
2690
02:09:49,825 --> 02:09:52,035
Oh, it's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson.
2691
02:09:52,161 --> 02:09:55,205
Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson.
2692
02:09:55,330 --> 02:09:57,040
Why do we have to fight?
2693
02:09:57,166 --> 02:09:59,042
There's so much
I could learn from you...
2694
02:09:59,334 --> 02:10:02,212
Colonel Burgundy, I will
give you three questions
2695
02:10:02,296 --> 02:10:04,798
and then I shall consume your soul.
2696
02:10:04,882 --> 02:10:07,301
Okay. Do you dwell in heaven?
2697
02:10:07,384 --> 02:10:10,220
I march upon a shadowy shore
2698
02:10:10,345 --> 02:10:13,891
betwixt the world of men
and the shivering gates of heaven.
2699
02:10:13,974 --> 02:10:16,643
- Oh, so purgatory.
- No.
2700
02:10:16,727 --> 02:10:19,897
Shadow shore, betwixt the world of men
2701
02:10:19,980 --> 02:10:22,065
and the shimmering gates of heaven.
2702
02:10:22,232 --> 02:10:24,151
In the middle. Between the two.
2703
02:10:24,401 --> 02:10:26,904
- Do you have another question?
- Yes.
2704
02:10:28,572 --> 02:10:30,491
Of all the new Japanese car imports
2705
02:10:30,574 --> 02:10:32,326
that are on the market today,
what's your favorite?
2706
02:10:32,743 --> 02:10:34,495
That is your question?
2707
02:10:34,578 --> 02:10:36,663
I am a decorated general
2708
02:10:36,747 --> 02:10:39,416
who has come from
the afterlife to visit you.
2709
02:10:39,583 --> 02:10:40,834
That's my second question.
2710
02:10:41,418 --> 02:10:43,086
- All right, Honda.
- Oh, good.
2711
02:10:43,212 --> 02:10:45,589
I like the mixture of the stylish interior
2712
02:10:45,714 --> 02:10:46,924
with the gas efficiency.
2713
02:10:47,424 --> 02:10:49,843
- One more question?
- That's right.
2714
02:10:49,927 --> 02:10:51,929
And then I shall consume your soul.
2715
02:10:52,262 --> 02:10:55,057
That's okay. Maybe I'll lay off
on the last question.
2716
02:10:55,224 --> 02:10:56,433
Are you sure?
2717
02:10:56,892 --> 02:10:58,268
I just don't want my soul consumed...
2718
02:11:04,441 --> 02:11:05,442
Hey!
2719
02:11:06,777 --> 02:11:09,363
Send my regards
to Sir Winston Churchill.
2720
02:11:09,446 --> 02:11:11,615
Please, no!
2721
02:11:14,076 --> 02:11:16,411
What in the name of Dan Roundfield?
2722
02:11:18,705 --> 02:11:19,873
Gary!
2723
02:11:20,123 --> 02:11:21,625
Yes, Ron.
2724
02:11:22,709 --> 02:11:24,378
You and I never got along.
2725
02:11:24,461 --> 02:11:26,213
But using the power of my mind,
2726
02:11:26,296 --> 02:11:29,174
I was able to see in the future
that you would do good.
2727
02:11:31,051 --> 02:11:32,553
- Now, go.
- I knew it!
2728
02:11:32,636 --> 02:11:34,137
Go to your son's recital.
2729
02:11:34,304 --> 02:11:35,806
I knew you had mind powers!
2730
02:11:35,973 --> 02:11:38,141
And make it the greatest day of your life!
2731
02:11:38,225 --> 02:11:40,143
Gary, no!
2732
02:11:44,064 --> 02:11:46,233
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.
2733
02:11:46,316 --> 02:11:48,318
Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools.
2734
02:11:48,402 --> 02:11:49,778
I repeat, cook these fools.
2735
02:12:00,956 --> 02:12:03,250
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!
2736
02:12:03,333 --> 02:12:04,835
Man, what a rush!
2737
02:12:04,960 --> 02:12:06,587
The monster's my friend!
2738
02:12:06,670 --> 02:12:08,672
Ron, we can still make your kid's recital!
2739
02:12:10,007 --> 02:12:11,842
Hey, Ronny.
2740
02:12:12,259 --> 02:12:14,928
Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.
2741
02:12:15,178 --> 02:12:17,014
No! That's out of the question!
2742
02:12:17,097 --> 02:12:18,098
We're outnumbered, Ron.
2743
02:12:18,265 --> 02:12:20,350
Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!
2744
02:12:33,697 --> 02:12:35,699
Hello, kiddies.
2745
02:12:35,782 --> 02:12:37,826
Is there room in the sandbox
for a few more?
2746
02:12:38,035 --> 02:12:40,871
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!
2747
02:12:41,038 --> 02:12:42,706
Hey, what the hell are you
guys doing here?
2748
02:12:42,831 --> 02:12:43,999
This is a national news fight.
2749
02:12:44,291 --> 02:12:46,376
You made one mistake today.
2750
02:12:46,710 --> 02:12:48,795
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.
2751
02:12:49,212 --> 02:12:52,382
It's actually pronounced San Diago.
2752
02:12:52,549 --> 02:12:55,385
Hell, Ron and I may not agree
on everything,
2753
02:12:55,969 --> 02:12:57,304
but we share the bond of being
2754
02:12:57,387 --> 02:12:59,139
from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.
2755
02:13:00,891 --> 02:13:02,726
Well, ain't that cute?
2756
02:13:02,893 --> 02:13:04,811
But you're outnumbered three-to-one.
2757
02:13:04,895 --> 02:13:06,229
Why don't you go back to your mama?
2758
02:13:06,396 --> 02:13:08,899
Don't you use my mom's name in vain.
2759
02:13:09,399 --> 02:13:11,818
Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman
2760
02:13:11,902 --> 02:13:13,654
who raised seven children on her own
2761
02:13:13,737 --> 02:13:16,073
and she remained sexually active
till the day she died.
2762
02:13:16,365 --> 02:13:19,409
Even in her coffin she had
the ass of a 19-year-old.
2763
02:13:19,493 --> 02:13:22,704
Tight like an apricot. No disrespect.
2764
02:13:23,080 --> 02:13:26,667
She served four tours of duty
in Vietnam as a helicopter pilot.
2765
02:13:27,542 --> 02:13:30,420
She won the bronze in
the hammer throw at Helsinki.
2766
02:13:30,587 --> 02:13:32,756
I enjoyed her on the show Emergency!
2767
02:13:33,215 --> 02:13:35,884
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,
2768
02:13:36,051 --> 02:13:39,554
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.
2769
02:13:41,848 --> 02:13:43,934
You crazy son of a bitch.
2770
02:13:44,226 --> 02:13:46,770
I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."
2771
02:13:47,104 --> 02:13:49,356
Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman.
2772
02:13:49,439 --> 02:13:51,066
You drop that smoke, you die, too.
2773
02:13:54,778 --> 02:13:57,447
With the things I've done in my life,
2774
02:13:57,572 --> 02:14:00,075
oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell.
2775
02:14:00,617 --> 02:14:03,370
So I sure as shit ain't afraid
to burn here on Earth.
2776
02:14:03,787 --> 02:14:05,372
Oh, my goodness!
2777
02:14:05,455 --> 02:14:07,624
That's the most badass thing
I have ever heard.
2778
02:14:08,458 --> 02:14:09,751
All right!
2779
02:14:10,627 --> 02:14:12,045
Looks like this fight's over.
2780
02:14:13,964 --> 02:14:15,298
Let's go, boys.
2781
02:14:16,633 --> 02:14:19,136
Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!
2782
02:14:19,428 --> 02:14:20,721
Sparklers!
2783
02:14:20,804 --> 02:14:22,806
- No, no, no, no, Brick!
- No!
2784
02:14:52,002 --> 02:14:53,086
Dad!
2785
02:14:55,005 --> 02:14:57,924
I'm never gonna have
to drink horse piss!
2786
02:14:58,008 --> 02:15:01,011
Odds are you'll still have to,
but enjoy the moment, son.
2787
02:15:01,470 --> 02:15:03,764
I love you, Mom! I love you, Dad!
2788
02:15:03,847 --> 02:15:06,433
A father reunited with his son.
2789
02:15:06,516 --> 02:15:09,019
Come on, folks, that's good stuff.
2790
02:15:09,144 --> 02:15:11,813
And then the same man
finally learns to love his wife
2791
02:15:11,938 --> 02:15:13,523
more than his career?
2792
02:15:13,648 --> 02:15:15,859
Suck on that, Tennessee Williams.
2793
02:15:15,942 --> 02:15:18,361
And how about Liam Neeson
showing up earlier?
2794
02:15:18,487 --> 02:15:22,032
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to get Liam Neeson?
2795
02:15:22,157 --> 02:15:25,118
He doesn't have a phone,
and lives on a mountaintop,
2796
02:15:25,202 --> 02:15:26,953
and we got him.
2797
02:15:27,037 --> 02:15:29,956
If that isn't worth 14 bucks,
I don't know what is.
2798
02:15:30,040 --> 02:15:32,292
So go home with your significant other,
2799
02:15:32,375 --> 02:15:35,378
and make love, and then hold
each other afterwards,
2800
02:15:35,462 --> 02:15:38,799
and say, "That movie delivered.
2801
02:15:38,882 --> 02:15:40,967
"It was the nut flush.
2802
02:15:41,176 --> 02:15:43,136
"Thank you, Hollywood."
2803
02:15:43,220 --> 02:15:47,390
And now, before I join this couple
in holy matrimony,
2804
02:15:47,641 --> 02:15:49,726
Brick and Chani ask us to join them
2805
02:15:49,893 --> 02:15:52,062
as they exchange their vows.
2806
02:15:52,979 --> 02:15:54,147
My dearest Brick.
2807
02:15:54,564 --> 02:15:56,483
I love the nicknames you call me.
2808
02:15:56,566 --> 02:15:58,735
Like Chani or Miss.
2809
02:15:59,694 --> 02:16:03,573
Or Miss Chani or Chani.
2810
02:16:04,074 --> 02:16:06,201
I call you Duncan Wentworth
2811
02:16:06,576 --> 02:16:08,495
or my little flesh hair creature
2812
02:16:09,329 --> 02:16:11,164
or a guy who doesn't call the police
2813
02:16:11,248 --> 02:16:13,083
when I touch his bathing suit area.
2814
02:16:15,919 --> 02:16:19,214
Chani, you make my heart beat so fast
2815
02:16:19,339 --> 02:16:20,590
that my right arm hurts
2816
02:16:20,715 --> 02:16:23,343
and I forget where I am
and what I am doing.
2817
02:16:23,718 --> 02:16:26,429
Then men shock me
with two air hockey paddles
2818
02:16:26,513 --> 02:16:27,848
and I feel better
2819
02:16:27,931 --> 02:16:30,600
except the right side
of my face sags for a while.
2820
02:16:31,268 --> 02:16:33,770
I now pronounce you man and wife.
2821
02:16:34,187 --> 02:16:35,939
You may kiss the bride.
2822
02:16:50,954 --> 02:16:52,122
Beautiful ceremony.
2823
02:22:23,411 --> 02:22:25,038
Well, hello, ladies.
2824
02:22:25,747 --> 02:22:27,248
Caf or decaf?
2825
02:22:27,415 --> 02:22:28,458
Why?
2826
02:22:28,583 --> 02:22:30,126
Oh, I need to know how
I'm gonna make your coffee
2827
02:22:30,210 --> 02:22:32,795
tomorrow morning
when you wake up in my pants.
2828
02:22:33,087 --> 02:22:35,632
You're Brian Fantana
and you're Champ Kind.
2829
02:22:35,757 --> 02:22:36,925
- We love you.
- Yeah.
2830
02:22:37,258 --> 02:22:40,929
This is a fair warning, girls,
if I get really drunk,
2831
02:22:41,429 --> 02:22:43,973
you're going to have to do all the work.
2832
02:22:44,766 --> 02:22:46,809
Yeah, and we can go back
to our place, too.
2833
02:22:46,935 --> 02:22:48,645
That way your sheets
don't get covered in hair.
2834
02:22:48,770 --> 02:22:51,564
Yeah, we've got to get up early for work.
2835
02:22:51,648 --> 02:22:53,483
- A little Asti Spumante, huh?
- Yeah.
2836
02:22:53,608 --> 02:22:55,735
Go back and listen to some records?
2837
02:22:57,445 --> 02:22:59,239
They wanted it so bad.