1 00:00:42,087 --> 00:00:44,123 (♪ The Specials: Ghost Town) 2 00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:51,404 (Bell rings) 3 00:00:51,447 --> 00:00:53,802 (Barman) Last orders, please. 4 00:01:00,367 --> 00:01:02,358 - Shaun. - Yeah? 5 00:01:02,407 --> 00:01:05,604 - Do you see what I'm saying? - Yeah, totally. 6 00:01:06,727 --> 00:01:09,480 I know he's your best friend but you do live with him. 7 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,006 I know... 8 00:01:11,047 --> 00:01:14,642 It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you. 9 00:01:14,687 --> 00:01:17,042 It's all right. 10 00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:20,318 - It'd just be nice if we could... - Fuck. 11 00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:23,484 ...spend a bit more time together. - Bollocks. 12 00:01:23,527 --> 00:01:25,597 - Just the two of us. - (Ed) Cock it. 13 00:01:25,647 --> 00:01:29,003 With Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out 14 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,163 and that only exacerbates things. 15 00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:35,200 - What do you mean? - You guys hardly get on, do you? 16 00:01:35,247 --> 00:01:37,203 No, what does "exacerbate" mean? 17 00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:39,283 It means to make things worse. 18 00:01:39,327 --> 00:01:41,318 Right, right. 19 00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:45,042 Well, I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di, you know. 20 00:01:45,087 --> 00:01:48,682 - Guys, it's not that I don't like you. - It's all right. 21 00:01:48,727 --> 00:01:50,877 And I do want to spend time with you. 22 00:01:50,927 --> 00:01:53,885 It's just Ed doesn't have too many friends. 23 00:01:53,927 --> 00:01:57,317 Can I get any of you cunts a drink? 24 00:01:59,207 --> 00:02:01,198 Anybody? 25 00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:03,602 (Both) No, thank you. 26 00:02:03,647 --> 00:02:05,877 I know... 27 00:02:05,927 --> 00:02:08,043 friends are important to Shaun 28 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:11,124 but you must set some quality time aside for yourselves. 29 00:02:11,167 --> 00:02:14,477 Daffs is always taking me to see these listed buildings 30 00:02:14,527 --> 00:02:16,961 and I'm always dragging him to the theatre. 31 00:02:17,007 --> 00:02:19,885 - I'm not so hot on theatre. - How about a meal? 32 00:02:19,927 --> 00:02:22,919 - It's your anniversary soon. - It was last week. 33 00:02:22,967 --> 00:02:25,765 - Did you do anything special? - We came here. 34 00:02:25,807 --> 00:02:27,957 (Ed) Shaun. Hog lumps. 35 00:02:28,007 --> 00:02:31,397 Shaun, what I'm trying to say is I need something more, 36 00:02:31,447 --> 00:02:34,962 more than spending every night in the Winchester. 37 00:02:35,007 --> 00:02:37,237 I want to do more interesting stuff. 38 00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:41,519 - I want you to want to want to do it. - (Shaun crunching) 39 00:02:41,567 --> 00:02:44,684 Listen to me. I'm beginning to sound like your mum. 40 00:02:44,727 --> 00:02:47,480 - Not that I'd know. - You haven't met his mum? 41 00:02:47,527 --> 00:02:50,360 - Not yet. - Don't you get along with your mum? 42 00:02:50,407 --> 00:02:53,877 - It's not her... - Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun? 43 00:02:53,927 --> 00:02:56,157 - No, I love my mum. - I love his mum. 44 00:02:56,207 --> 00:02:58,437 - ♪ She's like butter ♪ - Ed! 45 00:02:58,487 --> 00:03:00,637 - Shaun! - Liz. 46 00:03:00,687 --> 00:03:03,759 I understand what you're trying to say and I agree. 47 00:03:03,807 --> 00:03:06,321 We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow. 48 00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:09,643 I'll book a restaurant. The place that does all the fish. 49 00:03:09,687 --> 00:03:11,564 Just the two of us. 50 00:03:11,607 --> 00:03:14,485 Things will change. I promise. 51 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,324 Really, Shaun? 52 00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:18,403 (Bell rings) 53 00:03:18,447 --> 00:03:20,324 Time, gentlemen. 54 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,996 - ♪ This town is coming like a ghost town ♪ - Shaun? 55 00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:29,759 (♪ I Monster: The Blue Wrath) 56 00:04:09,527 --> 00:04:12,200 (Groaning) 57 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,476 'Player two has entered the game.' 58 00:04:30,527 --> 00:04:32,722 Haven't you got work? 59 00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:35,440 'Player two has left the game.' 60 00:04:44,047 --> 00:04:46,038 (Sighs) 61 00:04:47,447 --> 00:04:50,086 The front door was open again last night. 62 00:04:53,287 --> 00:04:55,847 - I'm not saying it was you. - I know, man. 63 00:04:55,887 --> 00:04:58,845 - I'm saying it was Ed. - Right. 64 00:04:58,887 --> 00:05:00,878 I can't live like this. 65 00:05:00,927 --> 00:05:04,681 Look at the state of it. We're not students any more. 66 00:05:04,727 --> 00:05:07,639 - Pete... - He brings no money into the house. 67 00:05:07,687 --> 00:05:10,520 - He brings a bit. - What? Dealing drugs? 68 00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:13,684 He sells a bit of weed now and again. You've sold puff. 69 00:05:13,727 --> 00:05:16,480 Yeah, once. At college. To you. 70 00:05:16,527 --> 00:05:21,237 I've known him since primary school. I like having him around, he's a laugh. 71 00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,847 Because he can impersonate an orang-utan? 72 00:05:23,887 --> 00:05:26,526 - Fuck-a-doodle-doo. - Leave him alone. 73 00:05:26,567 --> 00:05:29,445 I admit, he can be pretty funny on occasion. 74 00:05:29,487 --> 00:05:34,038 Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple schnapps and playing Tekken 2. 75 00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:37,841 - When was that? - Five years ago. 76 00:05:37,887 --> 00:05:40,037 When's he going home? 77 00:05:41,647 --> 00:05:43,603 Hey, man, listen... Top left. 78 00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:46,161 - Uh-huh. - I was gonna say... Reload. 79 00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:49,358 - I'm on it. - Erm, since... Nice shot! 80 00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:51,398 - Thanks. - (Mobile rings) 81 00:05:51,447 --> 00:05:54,200 Two seconds. 82 00:05:54,247 --> 00:05:56,636 - All right, Noodle? - 'Got anything? ' 83 00:05:56,687 --> 00:05:58,962 - No, man. - 'Eball says you was holding.' 84 00:05:59,007 --> 00:06:01,362 - I ain't got nothing. - 'Nothing at all? ' 85 00:06:01,407 --> 00:06:04,797 I've only got an 'enry meself. All right, laters. 86 00:06:06,687 --> 00:06:08,678 - Listen... - Ed... 87 00:06:08,727 --> 00:06:13,164 since you're not working at the moment could you please clean up a bit? 88 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:17,086 And if you play the answer machine, can you take down everyone's messages? 89 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,322 - Yep. - It's not that taxing, is it? 90 00:06:19,367 --> 00:06:22,359 (Childish voice) Writing something on a scrap of paper? 91 00:06:22,407 --> 00:06:24,602 - Nope. - Right. 92 00:06:24,647 --> 00:06:29,243 - (Mobile rings) - Dom, hi... 93 00:06:29,287 --> 00:06:31,517 Come on, it was pretty funny. 94 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:35,116 - Will you do what he said? - I ain't doing nothing for him. 95 00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:37,158 Do it for me, then. 96 00:06:38,527 --> 00:06:40,836 I'm sorry, Shaun. 97 00:06:40,887 --> 00:06:43,082 - It's all right. - No, no. 98 00:06:43,127 --> 00:06:45,163 I'm sorry, Shaun. 99 00:06:47,967 --> 00:06:49,116 Oh! 100 00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:51,283 Oh, my God, that's rotten. 101 00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:54,797 - I'll stop doing 'em when you stop laughing. - I am not laughing. 102 00:06:54,847 --> 00:06:56,678 - Get that. - You get it. 103 00:06:56,727 --> 00:06:59,082 (Phone) 104 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:02,642 (Liz) 'Shaun, it's me. I'm gonna be a bit tied up today 105 00:07:02,687 --> 00:07:05,759 'so can you book the table for eight rather than seven? 106 00:07:05,807 --> 00:07:07,843 'I'll try you at work. Bye, bye.' 107 00:07:11,407 --> 00:07:13,398 Hey! You're dead. 108 00:07:21,327 --> 00:07:24,364 - Spare some change, please, mister? - Yeah. 109 00:07:26,007 --> 00:07:28,885 - (Horn honks) - Watch out. Are you blind? 110 00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:42,718 (Radio) 'The American deep space probe Omega 6 111 00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:46,806 'unexpectedly re-entered Earth's atmosphere over England 112 00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:48,838 'and broke apart over... ' 113 00:08:04,407 --> 00:08:06,363 Nelson? 114 00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:09,281 Nelson? 115 00:08:12,047 --> 00:08:14,083 Hello, my friend. No beer today? 116 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,243 No, it's a bit early for me. 117 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:19,404 (♪ Zombie Nation: Kernkraft 400) 118 00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:30,562 Gather round, everyone. Gather round, please. 119 00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:32,519 Gather round. 120 00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:34,797 As well as Mr Sloman being off today 121 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:38,476 I'm afraid Ash is feeling a little bit under the weather, 122 00:08:38,527 --> 00:08:40,882 so I will be taking charge as the... 123 00:08:40,927 --> 00:08:43,805 - Oldest. - Senior staff member. 124 00:08:43,847 --> 00:08:46,839 - So if we can all pull together... - (Mobile) 125 00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:50,242 - Hello? Hello, mate. - Noel? 126 00:08:50,287 --> 00:08:52,926 I was totally munted last night. 127 00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:56,004 Yeah, I spoke to him. He's only got Henry. 128 00:08:57,647 --> 00:08:59,638 All right, mate. Laters. 129 00:09:01,087 --> 00:09:02,964 (Keys beeping) 130 00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:10,202 - Continue. - Thank you. 131 00:09:10,247 --> 00:09:15,765 Erm, as Mr Sloman always says, there's no I in team but there is an I in pie. 132 00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:18,116 In... There's an I in meat pie. 133 00:09:18,167 --> 00:09:21,682 The anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he's talking about. 134 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,002 Phones off. It's not a social gathering. 135 00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:28,643 - All right, keep your hair on, grandad. - Hey! I'm 29 for Christ's sakes. 136 00:09:28,687 --> 00:09:31,121 - How old are you? 20? 21? - 17. 137 00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:33,362 Hey, well... 138 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:38,162 I know you don't wanna be here forever. I got things I wanna do with my life. 139 00:09:38,207 --> 00:09:40,675 When? 140 00:09:40,727 --> 00:09:42,957 You got red on you. 141 00:09:43,007 --> 00:09:45,077 (Sirens blare, mobile rings) 142 00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:47,197 Hello, mate. 143 00:09:47,247 --> 00:09:50,239 This one comes with a basic digital package. 144 00:09:50,287 --> 00:09:54,326 You've got your lifestyle channels there, a bit of Trisha. 145 00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:58,042 Er, you've got entertainment. I don't know what that is. 146 00:09:58,087 --> 00:10:01,602 News. All the basic, er... news... 147 00:10:01,647 --> 00:10:04,002 - channels. - 'Bizarre events... ' 148 00:10:04,047 --> 00:10:06,845 'Coming after me... ' 149 00:10:06,887 --> 00:10:09,355 - (Noel) Shaun. - I'm with customers. 150 00:10:09,407 --> 00:10:11,204 It's your dad. 151 00:10:11,247 --> 00:10:13,442 He's not my dad, 152 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,557 he's my stepdad. 153 00:10:18,607 --> 00:10:20,598 Philip. 154 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,521 Shaun. 155 00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:27,641 You haven't forgotten about tomorrow? 156 00:10:27,687 --> 00:10:30,724 - No. - Your bimonthly visit. 157 00:10:30,767 --> 00:10:32,723 No, I haven't forgotten. 158 00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:35,361 You could bring the flowers you forgot on Mother's Day. 159 00:10:35,407 --> 00:10:37,363 I was gonna. 160 00:10:37,407 --> 00:10:39,875 And not a cheap posy from a garage forecourt. 161 00:10:39,927 --> 00:10:42,282 I wasn't gonna. 162 00:10:43,967 --> 00:10:46,765 Well, we look forward to seeing you tomorrow. 163 00:10:46,807 --> 00:10:48,399 OK. 164 00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:50,438 You've got red on you. 165 00:10:57,367 --> 00:11:00,723 - I thought it wasn't a social gathering? - What? 166 00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:03,565 How comes you're allowed to speak to your dad? 167 00:11:03,607 --> 00:11:06,724 A, he's not my dad, OK? He's my stepdad. 168 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,520 And B, it was an emergency. 169 00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:13,003 What, like buying your mum some flowers? 170 00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:18,167 Noel, I do not find it difficult to keep my work and my social life separate. 171 00:11:18,207 --> 00:11:20,675 Shaun, it's Liz for you. 172 00:11:23,327 --> 00:11:25,636 - Hello. - 'Hello, it's me.' 173 00:11:25,687 --> 00:11:27,882 - Hello. - 'Did you get my message? ' 174 00:11:27,927 --> 00:11:30,395 - Yep. - 'So it's all OK, then? ' 175 00:11:30,447 --> 00:11:33,484 - Yep. - 'Eight at the place with all the fish? 176 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:36,121 'Cool, that's great. Just ring me later.' 177 00:11:36,167 --> 00:11:40,240 - Goodbye, Liz. - 'Bye. Bye, bye, bye.' 178 00:11:40,287 --> 00:11:43,518 Liz from Head Office. It's nothing to panic about. 179 00:11:44,967 --> 00:11:46,798 (Sirens blaring) 180 00:11:47,927 --> 00:11:50,122 Sir? Sir? 181 00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,476 Sorry. Erm, they're for my mum. 182 00:11:52,527 --> 00:11:57,885 Mum. "To a wonderful Mum" or "Supermum"? 183 00:11:57,927 --> 00:12:00,680 - Er... the first one. - Right. 184 00:12:16,727 --> 00:12:20,845 (Radio) '... London seems to have gone completely bonkers... ' 185 00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:38,726 (Car horns honking, people shouting) 186 00:12:43,487 --> 00:12:46,240 - Oh, my God! Shaun! - Yvonne. 187 00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:49,199 Oooh! How are you doing? 188 00:12:49,247 --> 00:12:51,556 - Surviving. - Are you living round here? 189 00:12:51,607 --> 00:12:54,644 - Yeah, are you? - Yeah, I just bought a place. 190 00:12:54,687 --> 00:12:57,724 - Bought? - I know, bit grown-up, eh? 191 00:12:57,767 --> 00:13:00,076 - Are you still with? - Liz. 192 00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:04,359 That's great. Glad somebody made it. How long's that been now? 193 00:13:04,407 --> 00:13:08,685 - Er, it's three years ago last week. - Did you do anything special? 194 00:13:08,727 --> 00:13:11,605 - We're going out for a meal tonight. - Anywhere nice? 195 00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:15,438 Yeah... 196 00:13:19,927 --> 00:13:21,918 Come on! 197 00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:26,881 - Are you gonna thank me, then? - For what? 198 00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:28,804 Tidying up. 199 00:13:28,847 --> 00:13:31,919 - It doesn't look tidy. - I had a few beers when I finished. 200 00:13:31,967 --> 00:13:34,401 'Hello, Fulci's. Can you hold, please? ' 201 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,802 - Do you want your messages? - What? 202 00:13:36,847 --> 00:13:39,077 Your mum rang about tomorrow night. 203 00:13:39,127 --> 00:13:41,960 Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight. 204 00:13:42,007 --> 00:13:45,795 Then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight. 205 00:13:45,847 --> 00:13:49,044 - 'Hello, Fulci's.' - Hi, I know it's short notice 206 00:13:49,087 --> 00:13:53,399 but could you possibly do me a table for two for tonight at about eight? 207 00:13:53,447 --> 00:13:56,245 'Sorry, we just gave away the last table.' 208 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,318 Wasn't true about your mum. 209 00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:03,925 Where are we gonna go? 210 00:14:03,967 --> 00:14:06,879 - The Winchester. - Don't be stupid! They don't do food. 211 00:14:06,927 --> 00:14:10,124 - There's a Breville out back. - Ed, this is serious! 212 00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:12,044 - (Phone) - Hello. 213 00:14:12,087 --> 00:14:14,078 - (Liz) 'Hello, it's me.' - Hello. 214 00:14:14,127 --> 00:14:16,004 'What's the plan, then? ' 215 00:14:16,047 --> 00:14:20,359 Erm, there's been a bit of a... a mix-up with the table, babe. 216 00:14:20,407 --> 00:14:23,763 - 'What do you mean? ' - They're full up. 217 00:14:23,807 --> 00:14:26,446 'But... I thought you said it was all OK? ' 218 00:14:26,487 --> 00:14:28,284 Yeah. 219 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:30,841 'You didn't book it, did you, Shaun? ' 220 00:14:30,887 --> 00:14:33,959 - No. - 'So... what is the plan, then? ' 221 00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:41,041 - The Winchester? - (Hangs up) 222 00:14:45,047 --> 00:14:47,561 - 'Hello? ' - Dianne, can you let me in? 223 00:14:47,607 --> 00:14:50,440 - 'I'm not sure, Shaun.' - Oh, come on. 224 00:14:50,487 --> 00:14:53,047 (David) 'Lizzie doesn't want to see you.' 225 00:14:53,087 --> 00:14:56,875 - Just open the door! - 'She doesn't want to see you.' 226 00:14:56,927 --> 00:15:01,796 Do you want me to climb up the wall, come through the window? Because I will. 227 00:15:01,847 --> 00:15:03,758 'You're not coming in.' 228 00:15:03,807 --> 00:15:06,162 - OK, see you in a minute. - 'Don't... ' 229 00:15:12,367 --> 00:15:15,040 (Shaun struggling outside) 230 00:15:15,087 --> 00:15:17,396 (Buzzer) 231 00:15:17,447 --> 00:15:19,278 'Hi, it's me again.' 232 00:15:19,447 --> 00:15:22,041 Can we just talk about this? Let's go out. 233 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,555 - To the Winchester? - Do you want to? 234 00:15:24,607 --> 00:15:27,280 - No, I don't fucking want to! - OK. 235 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,477 It's not the only place in the world. 236 00:15:29,527 --> 00:15:32,519 We'll go to the Shepherd's, they do Thai in there. 237 00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:35,365 - I'm going out with David and Di. - Let's go together. 238 00:15:35,407 --> 00:15:38,797 You hang out with my friends? "A failed actress and a twat"? 239 00:15:38,847 --> 00:15:42,362 That's harsh. I did not call Dianne a failed actress. 240 00:15:43,047 --> 00:15:46,881 Let's just go somewhere and have a laugh. Things'll be fine, I promise. 241 00:15:46,927 --> 00:15:48,838 You promised you'd stop smoking. 242 00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:52,084 You promised you'd try drinking red wine instead of beer! 243 00:15:52,127 --> 00:15:55,483 - You promised we'd go on holiday. - We went to Greece! 244 00:15:55,527 --> 00:15:57,836 - We met in Greece. - At a rave. 245 00:15:57,887 --> 00:16:00,765 It's not the same. You promised things would change. 246 00:16:00,807 --> 00:16:04,117 - You promised us free cable. - I'm working on that. 247 00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:08,445 I can give up smoking whenever I want. See, don't need them. 248 00:16:08,487 --> 00:16:10,364 W-What was the next one? 249 00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:12,796 It's not enough, Shaun. 250 00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:17,443 (Radio) 'We appear to have a breakdown in communication there. 251 00:16:17,487 --> 00:16:20,081 'Lf you or someone you know may... ' 252 00:16:20,127 --> 00:16:22,595 I'd say your nine lives were up, Shaun. 253 00:16:22,647 --> 00:16:24,444 Get fucked, four-eyes! 254 00:16:24,487 --> 00:16:27,001 You go out with her, you love her so much. 255 00:16:27,047 --> 00:16:29,083 What do you mean by that? 256 00:16:30,087 --> 00:16:34,444 '... the devastation really is extensive. It's a total mess.' 257 00:16:34,487 --> 00:16:36,762 I don't know what he meant by that. 258 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,362 Got you these. 259 00:16:48,127 --> 00:16:51,244 - "To a wonderful mum"? - Oooh! 260 00:16:51,287 --> 00:16:53,801 Yeah, that's because... 261 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:58,079 I thought it would be funny because of what you said last night 262 00:16:58,127 --> 00:17:00,846 about you don't want to be my mum and that. 263 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,641 It's just a little joke, just sort of spur of the moment. 264 00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:08,645 - They're for your mum, aren't they? - Yeah. 265 00:17:08,687 --> 00:17:10,359 Smooth. 266 00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:20,959 If I don't do something, I'll end up in that pub 267 00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:24,283 for the rest of my life like those other sad old fuckers 268 00:17:24,327 --> 00:17:27,239 wondering what the hell happened. 269 00:17:27,287 --> 00:17:29,437 What do you mean do something? 270 00:17:58,007 --> 00:18:00,316 (Sirens in the distance) 271 00:18:01,487 --> 00:18:04,638 Fuck her. You got your pint. 272 00:18:04,687 --> 00:18:07,724 You got your pig snacks. What more do you want? 273 00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:11,921 Oh. You want your favourite monkey? 274 00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:15,198 Shall I do Clyde? 275 00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,483 See, I knew you'd get over her. 276 00:18:29,527 --> 00:18:31,916 (♪ Chicago: If You Leave Me Now) 277 00:18:37,247 --> 00:18:39,363 ♪ If you leave me now... ♪ 278 00:18:39,407 --> 00:18:41,716 Who the hell put this on? 279 00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:44,201 It's on random. 280 00:18:44,247 --> 00:18:46,966 For fuck's sake. John, yes please, mate. 281 00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:54,676 You know what we should do tomorrow? Keep drinking. 282 00:18:54,727 --> 00:18:56,638 A Bloody Mary first thing, 283 00:18:56,687 --> 00:18:59,963 a bite at the King's Head, couple at The Little Princess, 284 00:19:00,007 --> 00:19:03,204 stagger back here and bang... back at the bar for shots. 285 00:19:03,247 --> 00:19:05,317 How's that for a slice of fried gold? 286 00:19:05,367 --> 00:19:07,437 - No. - Come on, man. 287 00:19:09,847 --> 00:19:11,724 Talk to me. 288 00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:16,079 She said if she stayed with me she'd end up in here for the rest of her life 289 00:19:16,127 --> 00:19:19,597 like these sad old fuckers wondering what the hell happened. 290 00:19:19,647 --> 00:19:21,444 That is harsh. 291 00:19:21,487 --> 00:19:25,002 - These are rich, interesting characters. - Like who? 292 00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:31,961 Snakehips. Always surrounded by women. 293 00:19:32,007 --> 00:19:33,804 He's a bigamist. 294 00:19:33,847 --> 00:19:36,805 Strangled his first wife with a draught excluder. 295 00:19:36,847 --> 00:19:39,042 And invented the mobile disco. 296 00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:42,117 What about her, then? 297 00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:44,635 Ooh! Cockacidal maniac. 298 00:19:46,527 --> 00:19:48,438 She's an ex-porn star. 299 00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:52,526 They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop. 300 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,365 Cafe Au Lait... (Grunts) 301 00:19:55,407 --> 00:19:57,875 Pour Vous. 302 00:19:58,887 --> 00:20:01,162 Yeah. What about John, then? 303 00:20:01,207 --> 00:20:04,165 - He's North London Mafia. - (Shaun scoffs) 304 00:20:04,207 --> 00:20:06,198 It's true, Big Al says so. 305 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:09,045 Yeah, Big Al also says dogs can't look up. 306 00:20:09,087 --> 00:20:13,126 Think about it. Handy with a blade. Gruff demeanour. 307 00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:15,317 Bernie, the trophy wife. 308 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:18,086 He's connected. Why is there a rifle above the bar? 309 00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:21,517 - The pub's called the Winchester. - Exactly. 310 00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:24,400 See, you don't need Liz to have a good time. 311 00:20:24,447 --> 00:20:26,324 - Don't, man. - No. 312 00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:28,483 Oi, look at me. 313 00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:33,043 Can I just say one thing? I'm not gonna say there's plenty more fish in the sea, 314 00:20:33,087 --> 00:20:35,476 I'm not gonna say if you love her let her go 315 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:40,647 and I'm not gonna bombard you with clichés but what I will say is this... 316 00:20:40,687 --> 00:20:42,484 it's not the end of the world. 317 00:20:42,527 --> 00:20:44,677 (Thud on window) 318 00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:50,237 Sorry, we're closed. 319 00:20:53,047 --> 00:20:54,526 Pisshead. 320 00:20:55,807 --> 00:20:58,275 (Singing White Lines) 321 00:20:58,887 --> 00:21:01,526 ♪ Ooh, white lines 322 00:21:01,567 --> 00:21:03,444 ♪ Visions, dreams of passion 323 00:21:03,487 --> 00:21:05,603 ♪ Going through my mind 324 00:21:05,647 --> 00:21:08,161 ♪ And all the while I think of you... 325 00:21:08,207 --> 00:21:09,879 Oh? 326 00:21:09,927 --> 00:21:13,203 What's the matter, love, haven't you had your tea? 327 00:21:14,247 --> 00:21:17,842 ♪ Something of a phenomenon telling my body to come along 328 00:21:17,887 --> 00:21:20,526 ♪ Cos white lines 329 00:21:20,567 --> 00:21:23,206 ♪ Blow away... - Shh! 330 00:21:24,327 --> 00:21:26,045 Blow! 331 00:21:26,087 --> 00:21:28,043 ♪ Ah, get higher, baby 332 00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:31,682 ♪ Ah, get higher, baby, ah, get higher, girl 333 00:21:31,727 --> 00:21:34,002 - ♪ Ah... ♪ - (Guttural roar) 334 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:39,204 - (Both continue humming) - (Roars) 335 00:21:39,247 --> 00:21:41,886 - (Both hum) - (Roars) 336 00:21:41,927 --> 00:21:43,963 What? He should say base. 337 00:21:44,007 --> 00:21:45,918 Or freeze. 338 00:21:45,967 --> 00:21:47,559 What a tit. 339 00:21:47,607 --> 00:21:50,360 (♪ Man Parrish: Hip Hop Be Bop (Don't Stop)) 340 00:21:56,367 --> 00:21:58,358 ♪ You wanna dance? ♪ 341 00:22:05,967 --> 00:22:08,003 Don't scratch it! Wait... 342 00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:13,803 - That was the second album I ever bought! - It's four in the fucking morning! 343 00:22:13,847 --> 00:22:15,883 - It's Saturday! - No, it's not. 344 00:22:15,927 --> 00:22:19,124 It's fucking Sunday and I've got to go to fucking work 345 00:22:19,167 --> 00:22:23,001 in four fucking hours because every other fucker is fucking ill! 346 00:22:23,047 --> 00:22:25,561 Now can you see why I'm so fucking angry? 347 00:22:25,607 --> 00:22:27,438 - Fuck, yeah! - Hey! Pete, look, 348 00:22:27,487 --> 00:22:32,925 I'm sorry, we had a couple of drinks, we split up with Liz tonight. 349 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,882 Just keep it down, yeah? 350 00:22:37,927 --> 00:22:39,360 Prick. 351 00:22:39,407 --> 00:22:41,159 What was that? 352 00:22:41,207 --> 00:22:42,640 Nothing. 353 00:22:42,687 --> 00:22:46,805 - Stop it, we're friends! - He's not my friend. He's a fucking idiot. 354 00:22:46,847 --> 00:22:50,362 - What's that supposed to mean? - It means why don't you fuck off! 355 00:22:50,407 --> 00:22:54,002 You wanna live like an animal, live in the shed, you thick fuck! 356 00:22:54,047 --> 00:22:56,686 - Leave him alone! - Stop defending him. 357 00:22:56,727 --> 00:22:58,524 All he ever does is hold you back. 358 00:22:58,567 --> 00:23:02,401 Or is it easier having someone around who's more of a loser than you? 359 00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:05,678 - What's that supposed to mean? - You know what I mean. 360 00:23:05,727 --> 00:23:08,366 I assume it was Liz who did the dumping? 361 00:23:09,767 --> 00:23:12,725 Sort your fucking life out, mate. 362 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:15,042 What's up with your hand, man? 363 00:23:16,207 --> 00:23:19,438 - I got mugged on the way home from work. - By who? 364 00:23:19,487 --> 00:23:22,445 - Some crackheads. One of them bit me. - Why? 365 00:23:22,487 --> 00:23:25,524 I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them! 366 00:23:25,567 --> 00:23:29,480 I've got a splitting headache and your stupid hip hop isn't helping. 367 00:23:29,527 --> 00:23:32,280 And the front door is open. Again! 368 00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:34,124 (Slams door) 369 00:23:34,167 --> 00:23:37,762 It's not hip hop, it's electro. Prick. 370 00:23:37,807 --> 00:23:40,321 Next time I see him, he's dead. 371 00:23:51,287 --> 00:23:54,199 'Shaun, it's me. I'm gonna be a bit tied up today 372 00:23:54,247 --> 00:23:57,637 'so can you book the table for eight rather than seven? 373 00:23:57,687 --> 00:23:59,678 'I'll try you at work. Bye, bye.' 374 00:23:59,727 --> 00:24:01,126 (Beep) 375 00:24:01,167 --> 00:24:03,727 'Hello, pickle. It's me, Mum. 376 00:24:03,767 --> 00:24:08,079 'Dad mentioned you might be visiting tomorrow which would be lovely. 377 00:24:08,127 --> 00:24:11,278 'Will you be bringing Elizabeth with you this time? 378 00:24:11,327 --> 00:24:13,795 'Only we can't wait to meet her finally 379 00:24:13,847 --> 00:24:18,159 'and also I was wondering if she wanted anything special for lunch? 380 00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:21,995 'Cos these days a lot of people don't eat meat.' 381 00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:37,997 Do you want anything from the shop? 382 00:24:38,047 --> 00:24:40,038 Cornetto. 383 00:24:51,887 --> 00:24:54,401 (Car alarm ringing, distant groans) 384 00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:47,516 Nelson, have you got any papers? 385 00:25:49,287 --> 00:25:51,755 Nelson? I haven't even... 386 00:25:51,807 --> 00:25:53,877 I owe you about 15p. 387 00:26:02,487 --> 00:26:04,637 (Faint groaning) 388 00:26:06,047 --> 00:26:08,038 (Car window smashes) 389 00:26:24,847 --> 00:26:26,838 (Belches) Oh dear. 390 00:26:29,487 --> 00:26:31,557 Sorry, I haven't got any change. 391 00:26:31,607 --> 00:26:35,486 I didn't even have enough at the fucking shop. Oh dear. 392 00:26:44,767 --> 00:26:50,444 '... no official comment but religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's... ' 393 00:26:50,487 --> 00:26:53,285 ♪... panic on the streets of London... ♪ 394 00:26:53,327 --> 00:26:56,842 - '... number of reports of... ' - '... serious attacks on... ' 395 00:26:56,887 --> 00:26:59,685 - '... people who are being... ' - '... eaten alive.' 396 00:26:59,727 --> 00:27:03,925 'Witness reports are sketchy. One unifying detail seems to be 397 00:27:03,967 --> 00:27:06,686 'that the attackers appear to be... ' 398 00:27:06,727 --> 00:27:10,117 '... the sensational chart-topping... ' 399 00:27:10,167 --> 00:27:15,002 '... or ideological connection between those committing the atrocities... ' 400 00:27:15,047 --> 00:27:17,322 (Ed) There's a girl in the garden. 401 00:27:17,367 --> 00:27:21,076 - '... emergency services... ' - What? 402 00:27:21,127 --> 00:27:23,197 In the garden, there is a girl. 403 00:27:23,247 --> 00:27:27,684 '... the armed forces will be called in to provide backup and assistance. 404 00:27:27,727 --> 00:27:32,403 'Scientists are still trying to establish the nature of the phenomenon 405 00:27:32,567 --> 00:27:34,842 'and are unsure as to the... ' 406 00:27:34,887 --> 00:27:36,878 Excuse me. 407 00:27:40,207 --> 00:27:42,198 Excuse me. 408 00:27:44,327 --> 00:27:45,760 Hello. 409 00:27:49,967 --> 00:27:52,276 - What are you doing? - Oi! 410 00:28:10,087 --> 00:28:11,679 Oh, my God. 411 00:28:14,127 --> 00:28:16,118 She's so drunk. 412 00:28:19,407 --> 00:28:21,602 How much have you had, love? 413 00:28:21,647 --> 00:28:24,366 - Oh! I think she likes you. - Shut up. 414 00:28:24,407 --> 00:28:27,797 - She wants a cuddle! - I've just come out of a relationship. 415 00:28:27,847 --> 00:28:31,476 - (Laughing) Ed, do something! - Wait there. 416 00:28:31,527 --> 00:28:33,563 - Ed! - Two seconds. 417 00:28:33,607 --> 00:28:36,201 I'm really flattered and everything but... 418 00:28:38,127 --> 00:28:39,879 And, hold it there. 419 00:28:39,927 --> 00:28:41,918 Ed! Just get her off me. 420 00:28:41,967 --> 00:28:44,162 Jesus! 421 00:28:45,647 --> 00:28:49,879 - What's up with her eyes? - Now, seriously... 422 00:28:49,927 --> 00:28:53,602 Mary, I'm warning you, I'll have to get physical, I mean it! 423 00:28:53,647 --> 00:28:55,797 This is it... Look, just fuck off! 424 00:29:28,647 --> 00:29:31,286 - I think we should go back inside. - OK. 425 00:29:39,287 --> 00:29:42,245 - Shaun, what's going on? - Shit, it's engaged. 426 00:29:42,287 --> 00:29:45,324 - How about an ambulance? - It's engaged, Ed. 427 00:29:46,287 --> 00:29:49,518 - Fire engine? - It's one number and it's busy! 428 00:29:49,567 --> 00:29:54,277 - And what do you want a fire engine for? - Anything with flashing lights. 429 00:29:54,327 --> 00:29:56,443 Are they still out there? 430 00:29:57,967 --> 00:29:59,958 (Snarling) 431 00:30:02,887 --> 00:30:06,118 Yeah. What do you think we should do? 432 00:30:06,167 --> 00:30:07,839 Have a sit-down? 433 00:30:07,887 --> 00:30:10,560 'There are reports of chaos on the motorways 434 00:30:10,607 --> 00:30:13,724 'as thousands of people attempt to flee the cities. 435 00:30:13,767 --> 00:30:17,396 'The M1, the M3, M4, M6... ' 436 00:30:17,447 --> 00:30:21,918 - Do you think this is the same thing? - '... are all at a standstill. 437 00:30:21,967 --> 00:30:27,963 'The Home Office is urging people to stay in their homes and await further instruction.' 438 00:30:28,007 --> 00:30:30,805 'Ensure all residences are secure 439 00:30:30,847 --> 00:30:35,716 'with all doors and windows firmly locked and barricaded. Police... ' 440 00:30:39,407 --> 00:30:42,524 - For God's sake! He's got an arm off! - Get him! 441 00:30:55,967 --> 00:31:02,076 'More reports just in confirm that in all cases the attackers seem slow and shambolic... ' 442 00:31:02,127 --> 00:31:04,322 I'm gonna shut the front door. 443 00:31:04,367 --> 00:31:08,360 '... regarding the best way to neutralise the attackers. 444 00:31:08,407 --> 00:31:13,481 'Ln the meantime, contact with these assailants is highly inadvisable.' 445 00:31:13,527 --> 00:31:17,236 - Did you see his head go? - 'Lf you're confronted... ' 446 00:31:17,287 --> 00:31:20,040 (Window rattling) 447 00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:23,159 - We should get out there. - No, we should stay inside. 448 00:31:23,207 --> 00:31:26,119 - We can take 'em. - The man said to stay indoors. 449 00:31:26,167 --> 00:31:28,727 - Fuck the man. - In here, we're safe. 450 00:31:28,767 --> 00:31:30,644 (Glass shatters) 451 00:31:32,047 --> 00:31:36,802 '... the attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. 452 00:31:36,847 --> 00:31:41,967 'I'll repeat that, by removing the head or destroying the brain.' 453 00:31:45,967 --> 00:31:48,003 (Whistling) 454 00:31:48,047 --> 00:31:49,765 Hey! 455 00:31:52,487 --> 00:31:54,159 Aim for the head. 456 00:32:12,447 --> 00:32:14,199 - Now what? - Get more stuff. 457 00:32:14,247 --> 00:32:16,522 - What's in the shed? - Dunno, it's locked. 458 00:32:16,567 --> 00:32:19,001 - Why is it locked? - It's always been locked. 459 00:32:20,727 --> 00:32:23,036 No! That's the second album I ever bought! 460 00:32:30,287 --> 00:32:33,563 Some of these are limited... Ah! What was that? 461 00:32:33,607 --> 00:32:36,075 - Blue Monday. - That was an original pressing. 462 00:32:36,127 --> 00:32:38,197 For fuck's sake. 463 00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:40,124 - Erm... Purple Rain? - No. 464 00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:41,885 - Sign O' The Times? - Definitely not. 465 00:32:41,927 --> 00:32:43,963 - The Batman soundtrack? - Throw it. 466 00:32:46,527 --> 00:32:48,324 - Dire Straits? - Throw it. 467 00:32:52,127 --> 00:32:54,322 - Er... Ooh, Stone Roses? - No. 468 00:32:54,367 --> 00:32:56,597 - Second Coming? - I like it. 469 00:32:56,647 --> 00:32:58,603 Ah! Sade? 470 00:32:58,647 --> 00:33:00,763 - That's Liz's. - She dumped you. 471 00:33:02,647 --> 00:33:05,286 - I'm going to the shed. - You said it was locked. 472 00:33:15,807 --> 00:33:19,686 - Which one do you want? Girl or bloke? - Er... the first one. 473 00:33:37,727 --> 00:33:42,039 'People receiving bites have experienced headaches and nausea 474 00:33:42,087 --> 00:33:43,998 'and developed symptoms... ' 475 00:33:44,047 --> 00:33:45,844 You've got red on you. 476 00:33:45,887 --> 00:33:48,162 'Lf you know someone who has been bitten 477 00:33:48,207 --> 00:33:52,041 'it is absolutely essential that you isolate them immediately. 478 00:33:52,087 --> 00:33:56,478 'The public are being strongly advised not to approach anyone... ' 479 00:33:56,647 --> 00:33:58,365 Pete? 480 00:34:00,727 --> 00:34:02,319 Pete? 481 00:34:02,367 --> 00:34:05,200 - Why don't we just go up? - Don't go up there! 482 00:34:05,247 --> 00:34:08,159 - Why not? - Because A, he might be one of them 483 00:34:08,207 --> 00:34:10,721 and B, he might still be annoyed. 484 00:34:10,767 --> 00:34:12,644 Pete? 485 00:34:12,687 --> 00:34:14,678 Maybe he went into work. 486 00:34:14,727 --> 00:34:17,844 How come he didn't drive? His keys are still here. 487 00:34:17,887 --> 00:34:22,358 Maybe he got a lift. He said he wasn't feeling well. Pete? 488 00:34:22,407 --> 00:34:24,967 Oi, prick! 489 00:34:25,007 --> 00:34:27,202 (Both) He's not in. 490 00:34:27,247 --> 00:34:30,045 - You got a fag? - No, I've given up. 491 00:34:30,087 --> 00:34:32,442 - Since when? - Since... 492 00:34:35,127 --> 00:34:37,800 Come on, babe. Oh, she's engaged. 493 00:34:37,847 --> 00:34:40,315 - That was quick. - Ed, this is serious. 494 00:34:40,367 --> 00:34:41,720 - (Phone) - Liz! 495 00:34:41,767 --> 00:34:45,043 - 'Shaun.' - Mum! I was gonna call you. Are you OK? 496 00:34:45,087 --> 00:34:47,078 - 'Yes.' - Are you sure? 497 00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:49,641 'Some men tried to get into the house.' 498 00:34:49,687 --> 00:34:53,521 - Are they still there? - 'I'm not sure. We shut the curtains.' 499 00:34:53,567 --> 00:34:57,116 - Did you try the police? - 'Well, I thought about it.' 500 00:34:57,167 --> 00:35:00,523 - Are you OK? Did they hurt you? - 'No, I'm fine.' 501 00:35:00,567 --> 00:35:04,560 - Mum? - 'Well... they were a bit bitey.' 502 00:35:06,567 --> 00:35:10,196 - Mum, have you been bitten? - 'No, but Philip has.' 503 00:35:10,247 --> 00:35:12,158 - Oh, OK. - Has she been bitten? 504 00:35:12,207 --> 00:35:13,925 - No, Philip has. - Oh, OK. 505 00:35:13,967 --> 00:35:18,279 - Mum, what state is he in? - 'He's fine. Bit under the weather.' 506 00:35:18,327 --> 00:35:20,124 - I see. - What's the deal? 507 00:35:20,167 --> 00:35:24,365 We may have to kill my stepdad. Mum, you're not safe there. I'm coming. 508 00:35:24,407 --> 00:35:27,638 - 'I don't want to cause a fuss.' - We're coming to get you, Barbara! 509 00:35:29,607 --> 00:35:31,484 So, what's the plan? 510 00:35:33,167 --> 00:35:34,361 Right. 511 00:35:35,527 --> 00:35:38,200 'We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's, 512 00:35:38,247 --> 00:35:41,523 'we go in, we take care of Philip.' 513 00:35:41,567 --> 00:35:43,762 I'm so sorry, Philip. 514 00:35:43,807 --> 00:35:46,241 'Then we grab Mum, go over to Liz's place, 515 00:35:46,287 --> 00:35:48,403 'hole up, have a cup of tea 516 00:35:48,447 --> 00:35:51,200 'and wait for all this to blow over.' 517 00:35:51,247 --> 00:35:54,080 - Why have we got to go to Liz's? - Because we do. 518 00:35:54,127 --> 00:35:56,800 - She dumped you. - I have to know if she's all right. 519 00:35:56,847 --> 00:35:59,281 - Why? - Because I love her. 520 00:36:00,447 --> 00:36:02,438 All right, gay. 521 00:36:02,487 --> 00:36:04,842 - I'm not staying there, though. - Why not? 522 00:36:04,887 --> 00:36:07,720 If we hole up, I want to be somewhere familiar, 523 00:36:07,767 --> 00:36:11,646 I wanna know where the exits are and I wanna be allowed to smoke. 524 00:36:11,687 --> 00:36:13,837 OK... 525 00:36:13,887 --> 00:36:15,878 'Take Pete's car, go round Mum's, 526 00:36:15,927 --> 00:36:18,361 'go in, deal with Philip.' 527 00:36:18,407 --> 00:36:19,681 Sorry, Philip. 528 00:36:19,727 --> 00:36:23,037 'Grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, 529 00:36:23,087 --> 00:36:26,443 'have a cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.' 530 00:36:26,487 --> 00:36:27,806 Perfik. 531 00:36:27,847 --> 00:36:30,759 No, wait, we can't bring them back here. 532 00:36:30,807 --> 00:36:33,480 - Why not? - It's not exactly safe, is it? 533 00:36:33,527 --> 00:36:35,404 Yeah. Look at the state of it. 534 00:36:35,447 --> 00:36:39,076 Where's safe? Where's familiar? 535 00:36:39,127 --> 00:36:40,640 Where can I smoke? 536 00:36:45,927 --> 00:36:48,441 'Take car, go to Mum's, kill Phil.' 537 00:36:48,487 --> 00:36:51,797 - Sorry. - 'Grab Liz, go to the Winchester, 538 00:36:51,847 --> 00:36:55,522 'have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over.' 539 00:36:56,527 --> 00:36:59,166 How's that for a slice of fried gold? 540 00:36:59,207 --> 00:37:00,879 Yeah, boy! 541 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:04,078 'To recap, it is vital that you stay in your homes. 542 00:37:04,127 --> 00:37:06,436 'Make no attempt to reach loved ones 543 00:37:06,487 --> 00:37:10,082 'and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.' 544 00:37:10,127 --> 00:37:12,846 Do you believe everything you hear on TV? 545 00:37:13,807 --> 00:37:16,640 Yeah, I can see it, it's just outside. 546 00:37:16,687 --> 00:37:18,678 Any zombies out there? 547 00:37:19,607 --> 00:37:21,359 - Don't say that. - What? 548 00:37:21,407 --> 00:37:23,318 - That. - What? 549 00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:25,676 That. The Z word. Don't say it. 550 00:37:25,727 --> 00:37:28,195 - Why not? - Because it's ridiculous. 551 00:37:28,247 --> 00:37:31,683 All right. Are there any out there, though? 552 00:37:33,527 --> 00:37:36,837 Can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. 553 00:37:36,887 --> 00:37:38,878 Oh! No, there they are. 554 00:37:41,127 --> 00:37:43,322 - OK, let's do this, yeah? - Yeah? 555 00:37:43,367 --> 00:37:45,437 Yeah! I got to do a wee first. 556 00:37:45,487 --> 00:37:47,443 Ooh... can I drive? 557 00:37:47,487 --> 00:37:49,000 What? 558 00:37:49,047 --> 00:37:52,835 I always wanted to drive Pete's car. I might not get another chance. 559 00:37:52,887 --> 00:37:54,400 OK. 560 00:38:25,047 --> 00:38:26,765 Ahh! Oh, God. 561 00:38:26,807 --> 00:38:31,005 Sorry, Pete. Listen, we're gonna borrow your car, OK? 562 00:38:31,047 --> 00:38:33,038 Erm, we'll bring it back. 563 00:38:33,087 --> 00:38:38,081 And if you're feeling better later, we're... we're going to the pub. 564 00:38:38,127 --> 00:38:41,437 You're more than welcome to, er... 565 00:38:41,487 --> 00:38:42,840 join us. 566 00:38:50,407 --> 00:38:53,365 Pete'd be so pissed off if he knew I was driving his car. 567 00:38:53,407 --> 00:38:54,806 I don't think so. 568 00:38:56,367 --> 00:38:59,120 Shaun, which button's central locking? 569 00:39:01,807 --> 00:39:03,798 (Car alarm beeping) 570 00:39:04,607 --> 00:39:06,359 Oh, cock it! 571 00:39:07,487 --> 00:39:09,557 Get lost! 572 00:39:22,927 --> 00:39:24,804 Drive. 573 00:39:26,567 --> 00:39:30,845 (Radio) 'The Church of England has joined other extremist religious groups 574 00:39:30,887 --> 00:39:34,084 'in proclaiming this "a sign of a coming apocalypse". 575 00:39:34,127 --> 00:39:38,120 'Downing Street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate. 576 00:39:38,167 --> 00:39:43,605 'The bodies of the recently deceased are returning to life and attacking the living.' 577 00:39:43,647 --> 00:39:46,400 Let's put something else on. 578 00:39:46,447 --> 00:39:48,802 What are you doing? Ed, look out! 579 00:39:53,167 --> 00:39:55,158 I think we hit something. 580 00:39:57,647 --> 00:39:59,478 - Or someone. - (Car horn) 581 00:39:59,527 --> 00:40:01,006 Ow! 582 00:40:08,567 --> 00:40:11,206 Are you all right? 583 00:40:11,247 --> 00:40:13,238 Come on, let's just go. 584 00:40:14,167 --> 00:40:15,395 Hello? 585 00:40:15,447 --> 00:40:18,405 - He's gonna be dead either way. - That's not the point. 586 00:40:18,447 --> 00:40:21,086 (Bones creaking) 587 00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:22,958 (Low growling) 588 00:40:24,247 --> 00:40:26,238 Oh, thank God for that. 589 00:40:27,247 --> 00:40:28,760 (♪ Ash: Orpheus) 590 00:40:30,247 --> 00:40:32,044 Ah, hello. 591 00:40:33,167 --> 00:40:34,964 Who's a pretty boy then? 592 00:40:38,607 --> 00:40:42,122 You didn't say Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive a Jag. 593 00:40:42,167 --> 00:40:44,442 It's Philip's. He won't let anybody near it. 594 00:40:44,487 --> 00:40:47,524 I put a Mars Bar in it once and he chased me with a bit of wood. 595 00:40:47,567 --> 00:40:51,480 - Fuck, it's gorgeous. - It seems pretty clear, we should go. 596 00:40:51,527 --> 00:40:54,246 Why don't I stay here? 597 00:40:54,287 --> 00:40:56,323 What, what, what, what, what? 598 00:40:56,367 --> 00:41:00,155 You know, just look after the car. If there's any problems... 599 00:41:00,207 --> 00:41:02,198 I'll honk three times. 600 00:41:02,247 --> 00:41:03,362 OK. 601 00:41:07,727 --> 00:41:09,957 Don't forget to kill Philip! 602 00:41:11,167 --> 00:41:13,237 - Hello, pickle. - Hi, Mum. 603 00:41:13,967 --> 00:41:15,764 You've got red on you. 604 00:41:15,807 --> 00:41:18,924 Yeah. Mum, is everything OK? Are you all right? 605 00:41:18,967 --> 00:41:21,276 - Yes, I'm fine. - Where's Philip? 606 00:41:21,327 --> 00:41:23,636 - Dad's in the lounge. - He's not my dad. 607 00:41:23,687 --> 00:41:24,961 Really! 608 00:41:25,007 --> 00:41:27,396 Ed's outside, we'll take you somewhere safe. 609 00:41:27,447 --> 00:41:30,405 - What about the doctor? - I don't think he's gonna come. 610 00:41:30,447 --> 00:41:34,326 - Philip won't want to leave the house. - Philip isn't... 611 00:41:34,367 --> 00:41:37,165 Put the kettle on and I'll deal with Philip. 612 00:41:37,207 --> 00:41:39,004 - OK. - OK, then. 613 00:41:39,047 --> 00:41:40,719 - You hungry? - Not really. 614 00:41:40,767 --> 00:41:43,076 - I'll make some sandwiches. - OK. 615 00:41:43,967 --> 00:41:45,958 No fighting, you two. 616 00:41:47,087 --> 00:41:49,920 (TV) '... you may ask where is our God? 617 00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:54,721 'But throughout the land, men and women of integrity 618 00:41:54,767 --> 00:41:57,406 'rise up to confront the unseen enemy. 619 00:41:59,087 --> 00:42:01,282 'They will not be cowards, 620 00:42:01,327 --> 00:42:04,876 'they will be courageous in the face of danger.' 621 00:42:10,847 --> 00:42:13,156 - I'm so sorry, Philip. - Why? 622 00:42:13,207 --> 00:42:15,562 - What have you done now? - Nothing. 623 00:42:15,607 --> 00:42:17,916 What have you got there? Flowers, I hope. 624 00:42:17,967 --> 00:42:20,720 - No, it's... cricket bat. - (Door opens) 625 00:42:20,767 --> 00:42:23,520 - Is that for the jumble, Shaun? - No. Yes. 626 00:42:23,567 --> 00:42:26,923 Your toys are upstairs. I was going to give them to the jumble. 627 00:42:26,967 --> 00:42:29,959 - I took them all to the tip, Barbara. - What? 628 00:42:30,007 --> 00:42:32,999 - Shaun wants to take us somewhere. - Don't be silly. 629 00:42:33,047 --> 00:42:35,686 Maybe you should stay here and wait for the doctor. 630 00:42:35,727 --> 00:42:38,958 - You said he wasn't coming. - You didn't call the doctor? 631 00:42:39,007 --> 00:42:43,797 - Just to be on the safe side. - I'm fine. I ran it under a cold tap. 632 00:42:43,847 --> 00:42:46,919 We had ourjabs when we went to the Isle of Wight. 633 00:42:46,967 --> 00:42:49,686 - But, Philip... - It's overblown nonsense. 634 00:42:49,727 --> 00:42:53,720 - A lot of drug nuts running wild. - But I should get Mum away. 635 00:42:53,767 --> 00:42:56,804 - I'm not going anywhere without Philip. - Mum, look! 636 00:42:56,847 --> 00:42:59,725 - (Kettle whistling) - How about that tea? 637 00:42:59,767 --> 00:43:03,521 Mum, how much do you love Philip? 638 00:43:03,567 --> 00:43:07,196 - Two sugars, is it? - I haven't had sugar in my tea since 1982. 639 00:43:07,247 --> 00:43:09,602 Oh, yes. Will you cut me some bread, love? 640 00:43:09,647 --> 00:43:12,844 Mum, look, how much do you love Philip? 641 00:43:12,887 --> 00:43:15,355 Do we have to go through all that again? 642 00:43:15,407 --> 00:43:19,400 What would you say if I told you that Philip's been quite unkind to me? 643 00:43:19,447 --> 00:43:21,358 You weren't easy to live with. 644 00:43:21,407 --> 00:43:24,922 - He chased me with a bit of wood! - You did call him a you-know-what. 645 00:43:24,967 --> 00:43:27,800 - Did he tell you that? Motherfucker. - Shaun! 646 00:43:27,847 --> 00:43:29,758 Sorry, Mother... Mum! 647 00:43:29,807 --> 00:43:34,244 Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me? 648 00:43:39,727 --> 00:43:42,878 That wasn't true. Made it up, shouldn't have, sorry. 649 00:43:42,927 --> 00:43:46,078 - You don't understand... - No, you don't understand. 650 00:43:46,127 --> 00:43:48,960 Philip is my husband and has been for 17 years 651 00:43:49,007 --> 00:43:52,477 and I would at least expect you to respect my feelings. 652 00:43:52,527 --> 00:43:55,166 You must be more adult about these things. 653 00:43:55,207 --> 00:43:57,038 (Growling) Yeah. 654 00:43:57,087 --> 00:44:01,126 Come on, Shaun. There comes a time when... 655 00:44:02,167 --> 00:44:04,476 you just... 656 00:44:04,527 --> 00:44:06,518 gotta be a man. 657 00:44:11,047 --> 00:44:12,958 (Car alarm beeping) 658 00:44:13,007 --> 00:44:15,567 I'm telling you, it's a fuss over nothing. 659 00:44:15,607 --> 00:44:17,723 - (Mimics Philip) - Hello, Edward. 660 00:44:17,767 --> 00:44:20,201 - Hi, Barbara. - My, how you've grown. 661 00:44:20,247 --> 00:44:23,717 You better believe it. What happened? Why is he coming? 662 00:44:23,767 --> 00:44:27,282 - It wasn't as easy as all that. - Are we following you? 663 00:44:27,327 --> 00:44:30,797 No, it's probably best if we... Where's the car? 664 00:44:30,847 --> 00:44:33,759 Hmm... I pranged it. 665 00:44:33,807 --> 00:44:35,399 You were parked. 666 00:44:35,447 --> 00:44:37,199 Yeah. 667 00:44:37,247 --> 00:44:39,681 I guess we'll have to take the Jag. 668 00:44:41,207 --> 00:44:43,402 - Philip? - What? 669 00:44:43,447 --> 00:44:45,438 Look out! 670 00:44:47,087 --> 00:44:48,884 (Philip) Christ! 671 00:44:56,847 --> 00:44:59,566 - Give me the car keys! - You're not driving that car. 672 00:44:59,607 --> 00:45:02,679 Give me the car keys! Ed, get Mum in the car. 673 00:45:02,727 --> 00:45:04,877 I'm on it. 674 00:45:04,927 --> 00:45:07,760 Don't worry about me. Worry about your mother. 675 00:45:08,847 --> 00:45:11,964 - Maybe I should drive. - I've adjusted the seat now. 676 00:45:12,007 --> 00:45:13,759 Just be careful! 677 00:45:13,807 --> 00:45:16,924 (♪ Mister Mental blaring from car stereo) 678 00:45:24,167 --> 00:45:26,806 Can you please turn that noise down? 679 00:45:26,847 --> 00:45:28,280 (Tyres screeching) 680 00:45:28,327 --> 00:45:31,558 Are you all right, dear? Would you like another tissue? 681 00:45:31,607 --> 00:45:34,917 I'd be fine if it weren't for that bloody racket. 682 00:45:34,967 --> 00:45:37,083 - It is a bit loud. - Sorry, Barbara. 683 00:45:39,647 --> 00:45:42,081 You do realise this is a 20 mile an hour zone? 684 00:45:42,127 --> 00:45:43,640 Oh, yeah.