1 00:00:26,042 --> 00:00:28,602 MAN: Testing. Testing. 2 00:00:28,812 --> 00:00:31,713 Testing over the credits. 3 00:00:31,881 --> 00:00:34,281 The credits that no one cares about. 4 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,078 "Ooh, we're the business people. 5 00:00:36,252 --> 00:00:40,120 Ooh, we want our credit before the film starts because..." 6 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:43,817 Anyway. The story you're about to see takes place in a world... 7 00:00:43,993 --> 00:00:47,053 ...where the human race has never evolved the ability to tell a lie. 8 00:00:47,230 --> 00:00:49,391 This is a typical town in that world. 9 00:00:49,566 --> 00:00:53,559 As you can see, people have jobs and cars and houses and families. 10 00:00:53,737 --> 00:00:56,570 But everyone tells the absolute truth. 11 00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:59,903 There's no such thing as deceit or flattery or fiction. 12 00:01:00,443 --> 00:01:02,274 People say exactly what they think... 13 00:01:02,445 --> 00:01:05,005 ...and sometimes that can come across as a bit harsh. 14 00:01:05,181 --> 00:01:08,014 But they've got no choice in the matter. It's their nature. 15 00:01:08,184 --> 00:01:12,484 Look, I'm not coming in to work today. No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there. 16 00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:16,216 Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat. 17 00:01:16,392 --> 00:01:20,954 Wow. I just took one of the biggest poops of my whole life. 18 00:01:21,131 --> 00:01:22,155 What are you ordering? 19 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:25,324 So if you're a chubby, little loser like this guy, for example... 20 00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:27,163 That's Mark Bellison, by the way. 21 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:30,568 - Then you're all alone and at the bottom of the pile. 22 00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:33,971 But later on in the story, his luck's gonna change... 23 00:01:34,144 --> 00:01:36,271 ...when he tells the world's first lie. 24 00:01:36,446 --> 00:01:38,846 He doesn't even know it himself yet. 25 00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:41,040 So look forward to that. 26 00:01:51,327 --> 00:01:53,352 Don't blow this. 27 00:02:06,442 --> 00:02:09,343 - Hi. You're early. - Hi. 28 00:02:09,512 --> 00:02:10,809 I was just masturbating. 29 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,440 That makes me think of your vagina. 30 00:02:15,118 --> 00:02:17,643 I'm Mark. How are you? 31 00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:19,377 Little frustrated at the moment. 32 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:23,549 Also, equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight. 33 00:02:24,027 --> 00:02:25,051 Sure. 34 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,623 I'm Anna. Come on in. 35 00:02:29,866 --> 00:02:32,266 Just wait there. 36 00:02:32,435 --> 00:02:36,371 I need to finish getting ready. While doing that, I might realize I'm still horny... 37 00:02:36,539 --> 00:02:39,667 ...and try to finish masturbating without you hearing. 38 00:02:50,553 --> 00:02:52,783 I feel awkward now about being early. 39 00:02:52,956 --> 00:02:57,222 I'm disappointed that you're early and not really looking forward to tonight, in general. 40 00:02:57,393 --> 00:03:02,387 But the thought of being alone the rest of my life scares both my mother and me equally. 41 00:03:02,565 --> 00:03:04,396 Sure. 42 00:03:14,978 --> 00:03:17,105 I'm thinking you've started masturbating... 43 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,374 ...because it's like it's too quiet... 44 00:03:20,717 --> 00:03:25,347 ...and you said you were gonna try and do it without me hearing. 45 00:03:27,757 --> 00:03:32,785 I'm worried the restaurant I've picked isn't expensive enough for you. 46 00:03:33,563 --> 00:03:35,895 It's all I can afford... 47 00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:38,599 ...in my situation. 48 00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:44,471 I know I'm in my 40s, but I haven't got any financial assets to speak of. 49 00:03:45,341 --> 00:03:48,538 Also, my boss said he's probably gonna fire me this week. 50 00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:58,415 I just masturbated. 51 00:03:58,588 --> 00:04:01,113 That makes me horny. I hope this date ends in sex. 52 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,792 I don't find you attractive. 53 00:04:04,627 --> 00:04:07,619 - Shall we? - Yep. 54 00:04:07,797 --> 00:04:10,425 - After you. - Thanks. 55 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:19,107 - This is not as nice as I remember it. - What will we talk about? 56 00:04:19,709 --> 00:04:21,506 Hi. I'm threatened by you. 57 00:04:22,045 --> 00:04:24,445 Mark Bellison. Table for two. 58 00:04:24,881 --> 00:04:26,371 Of course. Come with me. 59 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,315 Thank you. 60 00:04:33,923 --> 00:04:35,686 Thank you. 61 00:04:36,125 --> 00:04:38,593 - Plastic. - I'm very embarrassed I work here. 62 00:04:38,761 --> 00:04:40,126 - Hi. - Hi. 63 00:04:40,296 --> 00:04:42,526 - Hello. - And you're very pretty. 64 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:46,260 That only makes this worse. Can I get you two started on some drinks? 65 00:04:46,436 --> 00:04:48,097 - Yes. - I'll have a Budweiser, please. 66 00:04:48,271 --> 00:04:52,605 A mango margarita. And I'll probably have three more drinks by the end of the night. 67 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,401 - Your sister? - No. 68 00:04:56,579 --> 00:04:57,978 - Daughter? - No. 69 00:04:58,147 --> 00:05:00,513 She's way out of your league. 70 00:05:00,683 --> 00:05:02,548 Thank you. 71 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:12,160 - Shall I ask you some questions? - Yes. 72 00:05:12,462 --> 00:05:13,724 How do you spend your days? 73 00:05:13,963 --> 00:05:17,330 I get up at 8 because the noise from my alarm clock interrupts my sleep. 74 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,968 And I lean over and just... 75 00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:21,535 ...turn it off. - Turn it off. 76 00:05:21,704 --> 00:05:25,299 - That's more specific than I thought. Just... - What did you wanna know? 77 00:05:25,475 --> 00:05:27,636 - Do you have a job? - I have a job in an office. 78 00:05:27,810 --> 00:05:28,799 - What do you do? - Executive. 79 00:05:28,978 --> 00:05:30,536 - Do you enjoy that? - No. 80 00:05:30,713 --> 00:05:33,614 But I enjoy the end result of the job, which is money. 81 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:36,612 The hours are pretty good for the amount of money I make... 82 00:05:36,786 --> 00:05:40,415 ...which I spend on things I like, such as clothes and hiking and drinking... 83 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,421 ...even though I know it's bad for me. 84 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:46,084 But I'd rather just get all the money and not have to work for the results. 85 00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:48,196 Oh, sure. 86 00:05:48,731 --> 00:05:50,528 Tell me something about you, though. 87 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,497 You already know a lot about me. 88 00:05:52,668 --> 00:05:55,762 You know I'm good-looking because, well, here I am. 89 00:05:56,739 --> 00:06:01,199 And you know that I'm successful because you've seen my apartment and clothes. 90 00:06:01,878 --> 00:06:04,506 And you know I'm happy because I'm smiling. 91 00:06:05,214 --> 00:06:07,478 - Are you always happy? - Usually. 92 00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:10,778 Some days I stay in bed, eating and crying. 93 00:06:13,723 --> 00:06:15,156 - There you go. MARK: Thank you. 94 00:06:15,324 --> 00:06:17,884 - I had a little sip of this from right there. - Okay. 95 00:06:18,561 --> 00:06:20,085 WAITER: So... 96 00:06:20,329 --> 00:06:22,923 You guys ready to order or do you need a moment? 97 00:06:23,232 --> 00:06:24,426 I'm good. 98 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:28,229 Oh. I'll have the caesar salad with chicken. I think I'm fat... 99 00:06:28,404 --> 00:06:31,066 ...but I also think I deserve something that tastes good. 100 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:35,870 I'll have the fish tacos because it's what I had last time I was here. It's all I know. 101 00:06:36,345 --> 00:06:40,406 Great. I'll get those two started. If I gave you my number, would you call me? 102 00:06:40,583 --> 00:06:42,244 No. 103 00:06:42,752 --> 00:06:44,117 [PHONE RINGS] 104 00:06:44,287 --> 00:06:47,916 Sorry. It's my mom. I think she's probably checking on the date. 105 00:06:48,091 --> 00:06:49,718 It won't take long. Hello. 106 00:06:50,860 --> 00:06:52,350 Yes, I'm with him right now. 107 00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:56,389 No, not very attractive. No, doesn't make much money. 108 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,196 It's all right, though. Seems nice. Kind of funny. 109 00:07:00,536 --> 00:07:02,367 A bit fat. 110 00:07:02,538 --> 00:07:05,974 Has a funny little snub nose. 111 00:07:07,610 --> 00:07:12,377 - Kind of like a frog in the facial area. - Yeah, but... 112 00:07:12,548 --> 00:07:14,482 No, I won't be sleeping with him tonight. 113 00:07:14,650 --> 00:07:16,709 Nope. Probably not even a kiss. 114 00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:18,819 Okay. You too. Bye. 115 00:07:19,322 --> 00:07:20,346 Sorry about that. 116 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,048 It's all right. Don't think twice. How is your mum? 117 00:07:23,226 --> 00:07:26,093 - She's all right, thank... - Great. That's... 118 00:07:31,734 --> 00:07:35,261 Thanks for going on this date with me. 119 00:07:35,438 --> 00:07:38,999 You're way out of my league, and I know you only did it as a favor to Greg... 120 00:07:39,175 --> 00:07:42,770 ...and I'll probably never hear from you again, but... 121 00:07:42,945 --> 00:07:46,142 I had a better time than I thought I'd have. 122 00:07:46,582 --> 00:07:49,710 But I won't know how I feel about you till I'm a little less drunk. 123 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:51,513 - Sure. Well... - Yeah. 124 00:07:51,687 --> 00:07:55,282 ...call me tomorrow if you still like me when you're sober. 125 00:07:55,691 --> 00:07:57,090 I might. 126 00:07:57,260 --> 00:08:00,388 Oh. Thank you for kissing me. I know you didn't have to do... 127 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:03,088 You're very pretty. Good night. 128 00:08:06,469 --> 00:08:10,098 MAN 1 [ON TV]: First used roughly 4000 years ago on Celtic chariots... 129 00:08:10,273 --> 00:08:13,538 ...was, for the most part, unchanged by man... 130 00:08:13,709 --> 00:08:17,907 ...until the late 1800s. 131 00:08:18,614 --> 00:08:21,674 MAN 2: Hi, I'm Bob. I'm the spokesperson for the Coca-Cola Company. 132 00:08:21,851 --> 00:08:24,217 I'm here today to ask you to continue buying Coke. 133 00:08:24,387 --> 00:08:29,654 It's the drink you've been drinking for years. If you still enjoy it, buy it again soon. 134 00:08:29,825 --> 00:08:33,192 It's basically just brown sugar water. Haven't changed the ingredients... 135 00:08:33,362 --> 00:08:37,162 ...so there's nothing new about that. Changed the can around a little bit, though. 136 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,860 The colors are different and we've added a polar bear so the kids like us. 137 00:08:41,037 --> 00:08:43,597 Coke's very high in sugar. Like any high-calorie soda... 138 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,970 ...it can lead to obesity in children and adults. 139 00:08:47,143 --> 00:08:49,611 That's it, it's Coke. It's famous, everyone knows it. 140 00:08:49,879 --> 00:08:53,178 I'm Bob. I work for Coke. And I'm asking you to not stop buying Coke. 141 00:08:53,583 --> 00:08:55,244 That's all. 142 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,988 It's a bit sweet. Thank you. 143 00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:11,857 [BUTTON CLICKS] 144 00:09:12,034 --> 00:09:13,524 [ELEVATOR DINGS] 145 00:09:16,839 --> 00:09:18,773 FRANK: Hold the elevator. 146 00:09:19,075 --> 00:09:22,636 - Hey, Mark. How's it going? - Hi, Frank. Not too well. 147 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:26,373 I went on a date last night with a girl I've had a crush on for years... 148 00:09:26,549 --> 00:09:29,245 ...and she'll most likely never call me again. Oh. 149 00:09:29,418 --> 00:09:33,218 And I think I'm getting fired today. How about you? 150 00:09:33,389 --> 00:09:36,187 Oh, I'm not too great, actually. 151 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,650 I been throwing up painkillers all night... 152 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:42,787 ...because I'm too afraid to take enough to actually kill myself, so... 153 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:48,095 See you tomorrow. 154 00:09:48,771 --> 00:09:52,605 If I'm... If I'm not dead, then sure. 155 00:09:53,242 --> 00:09:55,870 - Good. That's settled, then. - All right. Have a nice day. 156 00:09:56,045 --> 00:09:57,444 MARK: Cheers. 157 00:10:14,997 --> 00:10:18,091 This isn't natural! None of this is natural! We're all animals! 158 00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:21,236 Why am I wearing clothes? How do you people live like this? 159 00:10:21,404 --> 00:10:23,736 Why is there all this concrete? 160 00:10:23,906 --> 00:10:29,105 I realized not only do I not love you, but also the thought of sleeping with you sickens me. 161 00:10:29,278 --> 00:10:32,577 That should make me not love you, but it only makes me love you more. 162 00:10:44,126 --> 00:10:46,526 I just don't wanna go in there today. 163 00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:49,130 I just don't, you know? 164 00:10:49,865 --> 00:10:54,893 All of Lecture Films' productions are written, filmed and edited on this very lot. 165 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:58,837 In fact, this building is where Lecture Films' talented writers... 166 00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:02,774 ...scour the world's past events for the most dramatic... 167 00:11:02,945 --> 00:11:06,608 ...entertaining and even hilarious moments from world history... 168 00:11:06,782 --> 00:11:10,616 ...which are then turned into scripts handed over to our world-famous readers... 169 00:11:10,786 --> 00:11:14,916 ...to read off of TelePrompTers, and then filmed for your viewing pleasure. 170 00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:18,424 Now if you'll just follow me over here, I will give you a sneak peek... 171 00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:21,620 ...of Lecture Films' upcoming summer blockbuster: 172 00:11:21,797 --> 00:11:25,460 Napoleon 1812 to 1813. 173 00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:30,561 ANNOUNCER [ON FILM]: Coming soon from Lecture Films, screenplay by Brad Kessler... 174 00:11:30,740 --> 00:11:33,265 ...and starring Nathan Goldfrappe: 175 00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:37,003 Napoleon 1812 to 1813. 176 00:11:37,179 --> 00:11:41,582 And so, Napoleon invaded Russia with a brute force... 177 00:11:41,751 --> 00:11:45,050 ...of nearly 700,000 men behind him... 178 00:11:45,221 --> 00:11:49,214 ...armed with muskets and supported by cannon brigades. 179 00:11:49,658 --> 00:11:51,683 Crippled by disease and hunger... 180 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,389 ...Napoleon's men persevered. 181 00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,356 It was then that... 182 00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:59,626 Oh, look, everyone. There's Mark Bellison... 183 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:02,236 ...one of Lecture Films' very own screenwriters. 184 00:12:02,405 --> 00:12:05,806 Mark is one of Lecture Films' least successful screenwriters. 185 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,499 I also hear he's most likely... 186 00:12:07,676 --> 00:12:09,541 ...getting fired today. WOMAN: That's a shame. 187 00:12:09,712 --> 00:12:12,806 Let's go to the editing bay. We can watch them put the final touches... 188 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:17,385 ...on the upcoming Lecture Films' feature, The Invention of the Fork. 189 00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:18,577 Right this way. 190 00:12:28,397 --> 00:12:29,421 Good morning, Shelley. 191 00:12:29,932 --> 00:12:32,298 Hi, Mark. I realize more and more every day... 192 00:12:32,468 --> 00:12:37,030 ...how overqualified I am for this position and how incompetent you are at yours. 193 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,530 Any messages? 194 00:12:38,707 --> 00:12:42,199 Anthony is coming up to see if he can get up the courage to fire you. 195 00:12:42,378 --> 00:12:45,108 If he can't, he said that he'll definitely do it tomorrow. 196 00:12:45,281 --> 00:12:47,841 Anything else? Any messages not to do with being fired? 197 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:51,509 I told everyone you're getting fired, and they shouldn't expect their calls returned... 198 00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:54,781 ...so no one left any messages. - Okay. Next time... 199 00:12:54,957 --> 00:12:58,893 - I don't think there'll be a next time. - Take the message, in case I don't get fired. 200 00:12:59,061 --> 00:13:02,394 - You're almost definitely getting fired. - But I'm still here now, so... 201 00:13:02,565 --> 00:13:04,658 - Seems like a waste of time. - No, it's not. 202 00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:08,326 You're getting paid for it, so let's take the message in case I don't get... 203 00:13:08,504 --> 00:13:10,597 - Everyone knows you are. - Hasn't happened yet. 204 00:13:10,773 --> 00:13:14,265 Okay. But everyone knows you are. 205 00:13:14,910 --> 00:13:17,504 I�ll... I'll be in the office. Don't... 206 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,944 Okay. I'll search for new jobs on Craigslist. 207 00:13:20,115 --> 00:13:23,573 - You should probably get on with your work. - No, thank you. 208 00:13:41,370 --> 00:13:42,997 MARK: Anthony? 209 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,376 Come in. What...? 210 00:13:56,385 --> 00:13:58,182 Come in. 211 00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:05,085 Well, you look really depressed today. That's gonna make this so much harder. 212 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,092 - Anthony, don't fire me. - Oh, Mark. 213 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:08,992 The 1300s, they're so boring. 214 00:14:09,164 --> 00:14:13,624 And the last two scripts you turned in were depressing. 215 00:14:13,802 --> 00:14:17,568 They were about the Black Plague. It's the 1300s. What am I meant to write about? 216 00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:21,073 It's not totally your fault, Mark. You got stuck with a tough century. 217 00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:23,939 - No, I can make it work. - Mark. 218 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:28,482 Just give it up. Nothing new is gonna have happened in the 1300s. 219 00:14:28,651 --> 00:14:32,314 At Lecture Films, we just wanna take the big-name readers of the day... 220 00:14:32,488 --> 00:14:36,822 ...and have them read the stories that people know and love. 221 00:14:37,593 --> 00:14:39,584 I'm having s... 222 00:14:40,195 --> 00:14:42,060 Can l...? Do you mind if l...? 223 00:14:42,231 --> 00:14:44,165 - I come back and do this tomorrow? - Well... 224 00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:48,201 No, I just got nervous about firing you. I just don't do well with confrontation. 225 00:14:48,370 --> 00:14:51,533 Hey, maybe... Maybe if I just sleep on it. 226 00:14:51,707 --> 00:14:54,403 Then I'll be thinking, "Will he fire me, won't he fire me?" 227 00:14:54,577 --> 00:14:57,137 - You're fired. - I am fired, yeah? Because I sort of... 228 00:14:57,546 --> 00:15:00,743 Yeah. Oh, boy. 229 00:15:00,916 --> 00:15:02,907 [COMPUTER CHIMES] 230 00:15:06,455 --> 00:15:08,787 ANNA [IN VOICE-OVER]: Mark, I woke up this morning sober... 231 00:15:08,958 --> 00:15:10,926 ...and realized while I did enjoy your company... 232 00:15:11,093 --> 00:15:14,256 ...based on your looks, financial situation and position in life... 233 00:15:14,430 --> 00:15:18,924 ...I have no interest in you romantically. I'm just too far out of your league. Anna. 234 00:15:19,101 --> 00:15:20,466 [MARK GROANS] 235 00:15:20,636 --> 00:15:22,399 Is that because you just got fired? 236 00:15:22,571 --> 00:15:25,665 And because I just got an e-mail from a woman who... 237 00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,004 Yeah, my favorite part was when she said it was based on your looks. 238 00:15:30,779 --> 00:15:32,337 You read my e-mail? 239 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:33,947 Yeah. Everyone's read it. 240 00:15:34,316 --> 00:15:36,477 It's the best one you've had all year. 241 00:15:36,652 --> 00:15:37,778 Not for me. 242 00:15:38,253 --> 00:15:40,244 I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want a snack? 243 00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,299 So... 244 00:15:53,469 --> 00:15:57,428 I loathed almost every minute that I worked for you. 245 00:15:58,107 --> 00:15:59,768 So, what are you gonna do now? 246 00:16:01,110 --> 00:16:04,443 I don't know, but I don't hold out much hope for the future. 247 00:16:04,613 --> 00:16:07,741 I don't have a lot of hope for you either, but I wish you good luck. 248 00:16:07,916 --> 00:16:09,247 - Bye, Mark. - Bye, Shelley. 249 00:16:09,418 --> 00:16:11,648 Mark, do you mind if I talk to you for a second? 250 00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:13,947 - No. - I heard the news they were firing you. 251 00:16:14,123 --> 00:16:16,819 - Yup. Yeah. - That must be hard. 252 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,487 Well, I just wanted to say goodbye and I've always hated you. 253 00:16:20,663 --> 00:16:22,096 - You've always...? - Hated you. 254 00:16:22,264 --> 00:16:24,255 - I didn't know. - A lot of people knew it. 255 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:28,961 - What, you told other people you hated me? - Yeah, even turned some people against you. 256 00:16:29,138 --> 00:16:31,834 Is that why you came over to talk? To tell me you hated me? 257 00:16:32,007 --> 00:16:33,634 No, I came to say goodbye to you... 258 00:16:33,809 --> 00:16:36,403 ...and the rest of it just happened. - Came out, sure. 259 00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:39,604 I always knew that the Black Plague would never work as a movie. 260 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,745 You're an awful writer assigned to an awful century... 261 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,853 ...and you're a little man-bitch. 262 00:16:46,388 --> 00:16:47,514 [MOUTHS] Man-bitch. 263 00:16:47,690 --> 00:16:51,217 But I've always been threatened by you... 264 00:16:51,393 --> 00:16:54,385 ...because there's something about you that I don't understand... 265 00:16:54,563 --> 00:16:58,522 ...and I hate things that I don't understand. But you'll always be a loser... 266 00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:03,263 ...and I'll always be more successful than you in nearly every way, and that's the way it is. 267 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,999 Oh, and Shelley thinks you're an overweight homosexual. 268 00:17:06,175 --> 00:17:08,370 - No, I never said that. - Thank you. 269 00:17:08,544 --> 00:17:10,011 I said "fat faggot." 270 00:17:11,046 --> 00:17:13,674 - Fatty, fat faggot. - I stand corrected. 271 00:17:13,849 --> 00:17:17,751 - I was upset with "overweight homosexual." - Either way, you're a dumpy little queer. 272 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,117 Mark, try to enjoy your loser life. 273 00:17:23,559 --> 00:17:26,255 SHELLEY: He's awesome. - Well, no. 274 00:17:26,862 --> 00:17:30,298 - Your opinion. Bye, Shelley. - I look forward to never seeing you. 275 00:17:43,846 --> 00:17:48,374 Mrs. Johnson, you have got to take your medicine. 276 00:17:50,919 --> 00:17:53,888 - Hi. - Are you here to abandon an elderly person? 277 00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:57,815 I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son. 278 00:17:57,993 --> 00:18:02,089 It's good you're here. She's not doing well. You should say your final goodbyes today. 279 00:18:02,264 --> 00:18:04,391 Someone says that to me every time I come here. 280 00:18:04,566 --> 00:18:06,397 She's at the top of our death pool. 281 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:19,880 - You look like my dead son. - Each day is worse than the last. 282 00:18:20,048 --> 00:18:24,576 I'm on pills that make everything orange. 283 00:18:25,888 --> 00:18:27,913 [STATIC BUZZING ON TV] 284 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:36,528 Oh, Mum, this is so depressing. At least look out of the window. 285 00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:37,790 Telly's broken. 286 00:18:37,966 --> 00:18:41,561 It's not broken. You probably sat on the remote and changed the channel again. 287 00:18:41,737 --> 00:18:45,264 Yeah, you have, look. Gotta put it on Channel 3 for the satellite to work. 288 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,204 I don't understand anything you just said. 289 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,902 That makes me scared and angry. 290 00:18:51,814 --> 00:18:53,247 Lost my job today, Mum. 291 00:18:53,649 --> 00:18:57,380 I'm in my 40s, and I'm alone with no prospects. 292 00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:01,489 Things aren't much better for me here, but could be worse. 293 00:19:01,757 --> 00:19:03,247 We could be homeless. 294 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,721 Don't you wish you could change things? 295 00:19:07,462 --> 00:19:10,363 Don't you wish you weren't such a loser? 296 00:19:10,999 --> 00:19:13,934 - Well, I don't think I'm a loser. - You are, Mum. Definitely. 297 00:19:14,102 --> 00:19:16,730 We come from a long line of losers. It's not your fault. 298 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,532 You're a... 299 00:19:19,208 --> 00:19:20,937 A loser. 300 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,637 - I love you, Mark. - I love you too, Mum. 301 00:19:24,813 --> 00:19:27,611 Good luck with finding a job, eh? 302 00:19:27,783 --> 00:19:29,182 I'll go. 303 00:19:30,619 --> 00:19:31,677 [TV BLEEPS] 304 00:19:31,854 --> 00:19:34,015 [STATIC BUZZING ON TV] 305 00:19:34,189 --> 00:19:35,747 [BEEPING] 306 00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,323 MARK: Shut up. 307 00:19:37,492 --> 00:19:39,653 I haven't even got a job. 308 00:19:41,129 --> 00:19:43,120 [KNOCKING] 309 00:19:43,298 --> 00:19:44,595 [SIGHS] 310 00:19:49,071 --> 00:19:50,834 - Hi. - I'm here for the rent. 311 00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:53,474 Yeah, I was gonna come and talk to you. I got fired. 312 00:19:53,642 --> 00:19:55,701 I know. That's why I'm here for the rent. 313 00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,936 - I haven't got it. - How much do you have? 314 00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:01,105 I've got about $300 left in my bank account. 315 00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:03,945 - Rent's 800. - I know. I haven't got that. 316 00:20:04,519 --> 00:20:08,478 Then you're evicted. You got one day to get your stuff out of here. 317 00:20:09,258 --> 00:20:12,819 - Well, how am I gonna do that? - You got $300. Rent a truck. 318 00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:23,234 - What can I do for you today, sir? - I've just been evicted from my apartment... 319 00:20:23,405 --> 00:20:27,068 ...so I have to withdraw whatever I've got in my account to move my things out. 320 00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:29,640 I think I have to close my account. 321 00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:32,575 I'm probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison. 322 00:20:32,748 --> 00:20:35,114 Unfortunately, sir, the system is down right now... 323 00:20:35,284 --> 00:20:38,720 ...so I'm not gonna be able to perform an account closure until it's back up. 324 00:20:38,887 --> 00:20:41,754 But I can help you with a withdrawal. How much would you like? 325 00:20:41,924 --> 00:20:44,757 - All of it. Whatever's left. - The system is down, sir. 326 00:20:44,927 --> 00:20:47,259 Can you tell me how much is in your account? 327 00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:50,689 Sir? 328 00:20:54,803 --> 00:20:57,237 MARK: Eight hundred dollars. 329 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,533 Sir? 330 00:21:03,445 --> 00:21:05,413 - Eight hundred dollars. - Pardon me? 331 00:21:05,580 --> 00:21:07,571 I have $800 in my account. 332 00:21:07,749 --> 00:21:08,807 [COMPUTER CHIMES] 333 00:21:08,984 --> 00:21:10,849 Oh. The system just came back up. 334 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:12,919 - System seems to be back up. MAN: Thanks. 335 00:21:13,088 --> 00:21:17,184 Just a second while I access your account. You said you were withdrawing 800, correct? 336 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,054 Wait a second. 337 00:21:19,227 --> 00:21:22,219 It says here that you only have $300 in your account... 338 00:21:22,397 --> 00:21:24,558 ...but you said you wanted to withdraw 800? 339 00:21:24,733 --> 00:21:27,497 - Yeah, l... - I apologize, sir. 340 00:21:27,669 --> 00:21:30,297 Seems our system has made a mistake. Let's get your $800. 341 00:21:30,472 --> 00:21:32,963 Did you want large bills or small? 342 00:21:33,608 --> 00:21:35,974 - Bills... Large. - All right, here you go. 343 00:21:36,144 --> 00:21:41,207 That's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight hundred dollars. 344 00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:45,752 Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir? Sorry for the inconvenience. 345 00:21:45,921 --> 00:21:47,684 [MUMBLES] 346 00:22:18,453 --> 00:22:21,251 - What are you doing here? - Paying my rent. 347 00:22:34,803 --> 00:22:36,668 Come on! 348 00:22:38,874 --> 00:22:43,607 MARK: Today, I stumbled upon something that no man has ever stumbled on before. 349 00:22:43,812 --> 00:22:47,475 What I've done, they'll write about in history books for generations to come. 350 00:22:47,649 --> 00:22:50,447 And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable... 351 00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:53,213 ...not only to myself, but to mankind as a whole. 352 00:22:53,388 --> 00:22:54,787 It's hard to describe. 353 00:22:54,990 --> 00:22:58,892 And it was as easy as... How do I explain this? 354 00:22:59,161 --> 00:23:03,359 I said something that wasn't. 355 00:23:03,732 --> 00:23:05,666 Huh? 356 00:23:05,834 --> 00:23:10,168 I said something that wasn't. L... 357 00:23:10,338 --> 00:23:14,968 What's the word for it? There is no word for it. Of course there isn't, I invented it. 358 00:23:16,244 --> 00:23:18,576 Watch this. Jim? 359 00:23:21,683 --> 00:23:22,809 What? 360 00:23:23,919 --> 00:23:26,479 My name is Doug. 361 00:23:28,356 --> 00:23:30,187 - Your name is Doug. - Hi, Doug. 362 00:23:30,859 --> 00:23:35,660 That's so weird I never knew your real name. Doug is good. It suits you. 363 00:23:36,965 --> 00:23:38,865 Come on. 364 00:23:39,034 --> 00:23:40,058 What's my name? 365 00:23:40,235 --> 00:23:41,463 - It's Doug. - Doug. 366 00:23:41,636 --> 00:23:43,661 No, it's not. It's Mark! 367 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,205 - Your name is Mark. - Hi, Mark. 368 00:23:46,374 --> 00:23:48,604 - Mark suits you even better. - Mark-o. 369 00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,642 Okay, you're not getting it. 370 00:23:51,813 --> 00:23:54,111 - L... - Mark-o. 371 00:23:54,983 --> 00:23:56,848 - I'm black. - I knew it. 372 00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:59,009 You're very light-skinned, but I see it. 373 00:23:59,187 --> 00:24:01,655 - I always wanted a black friend. - Me too. 374 00:24:02,090 --> 00:24:04,456 - I'm an Eskimo. - Fantastic. 375 00:24:04,626 --> 00:24:07,424 - Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo. - I'm a pirate. 376 00:24:07,596 --> 00:24:10,064 - Didn't know they still had those. - Are you dangerous? 377 00:24:10,232 --> 00:24:13,861 - I'm a lion tamer and I'm wearing a wig. - Aren't you scared you'll get bitten? 378 00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:15,525 That's a fantastic wig. 379 00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:17,672 - I invented the bicycle. - I love your work. 380 00:24:17,839 --> 00:24:22,333 - Can I get a discount on a ten-speed? - I'm a one-armed German space explorer. 381 00:24:22,511 --> 00:24:23,603 When's your launch date? 382 00:24:23,778 --> 00:24:24,802 [JIM SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 383 00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:26,743 That's a very lifelike prosthetic. 384 00:24:26,915 --> 00:24:28,712 This is incredible. 385 00:24:28,884 --> 00:24:31,375 Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit. Come on. 386 00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:35,717 If you could make the world the way you wanted it to be... 387 00:24:37,092 --> 00:24:42,894 ...what would you do? If you could change anything, if you could do anything... 388 00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:45,931 ...what's the first thing you'd do? - Lf I could do anything? 389 00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:47,933 Anything at all? 390 00:24:48,336 --> 00:24:50,201 Anything at all. 391 00:24:52,674 --> 00:24:54,107 I would touch girls' boobs. 392 00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:56,304 Yes. 393 00:24:58,513 --> 00:25:01,812 - And maybe have sex with them too. - Oh, agreed. That too. 394 00:25:04,553 --> 00:25:07,147 Okay. Let's try that. 395 00:25:09,224 --> 00:25:11,419 - Where are you going? - Out. 396 00:25:28,877 --> 00:25:30,504 Don't look. I'm not attracted to you. 397 00:25:30,679 --> 00:25:32,806 - No, listen. - Don't, I've heard it all before. 398 00:25:32,981 --> 00:25:36,178 The world's gonna end unless we have sex right now. 399 00:25:39,221 --> 00:25:43,453 Do we have time to get to a motel, or do we need to do it right here? 400 00:25:47,262 --> 00:25:48,889 Motel. 401 00:25:52,167 --> 00:25:53,429 BLONDE: Help me get my dress off. 402 00:25:53,602 --> 00:25:56,594 - Hold on. Let's get to know each other. - No! We have to have sex. 403 00:25:56,771 --> 00:25:58,739 - The world is going to end. - I don't know your... 404 00:25:58,907 --> 00:26:00,841 Think of the children, the little babies. 405 00:26:01,009 --> 00:26:03,204 Let's have a drink. You look like you'd like... 406 00:26:03,378 --> 00:26:05,972 - Ten dollars for a beer, that is... - Don't you understand? 407 00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:08,138 - We are all going to die! - This isn't right. 408 00:26:08,316 --> 00:26:11,308 This isn't right, the world is going to end! We have to have sex. 409 00:26:11,486 --> 00:26:14,978 Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yep, it's me. 410 00:26:16,725 --> 00:26:18,693 I'll let her know. That is good news. 411 00:26:18,860 --> 00:26:20,225 - Now. - Thank you. 412 00:26:20,929 --> 00:26:23,090 World's not gonna end. We don't have to... 413 00:26:23,265 --> 00:26:25,699 - Sex. - We're gonna live! 414 00:26:25,867 --> 00:26:27,334 We're gonna live! 415 00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:30,266 Thank you. Oh, thank you! 416 00:26:33,241 --> 00:26:35,106 - I've gotta go. - Can't you stay? 417 00:26:35,477 --> 00:26:38,207 We've been through so much together. 418 00:26:46,454 --> 00:26:49,446 Well, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. 419 00:26:50,458 --> 00:26:52,119 Did you invent a new kind of bike? 420 00:26:53,128 --> 00:26:56,529 What else would you do? If you could do anything. 421 00:26:57,465 --> 00:26:59,797 - Boob. - No, we've done... We've done boobs. 422 00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:02,893 What's the next thing you'd do? 423 00:27:05,140 --> 00:27:06,334 Well, what would you do? 424 00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:11,573 I'd get money. 425 00:27:13,148 --> 00:27:15,548 I'd get all the money. 426 00:27:16,685 --> 00:27:17,709 Come on. 427 00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:20,150 - Where we going? - On a trip. 428 00:27:20,322 --> 00:27:21,721 I'll drive. 429 00:27:25,527 --> 00:27:27,461 I shouldn't be driving. 430 00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:29,890 But I don't care, I'm trying to hit bottom. 431 00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:32,295 [SIREN CHIRPING] 432 00:27:32,701 --> 00:27:35,226 Here comes bottom. Pull over. 433 00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:37,394 Just stop. 434 00:27:39,974 --> 00:27:43,307 All right, do me a favor. Let me do the talking, okay? 435 00:27:43,478 --> 00:27:46,641 GREG: I think I'm gonna puke. MARK: Do not puke in front of an officer. 436 00:27:46,815 --> 00:27:50,080 GREG: Don't tell me not to puke because that'll make me puke more. 437 00:27:50,485 --> 00:27:53,181 Hello, officer. How are you? 438 00:27:53,588 --> 00:27:56,716 Well, I'm relieved you're not a couple of black guys. 439 00:27:56,891 --> 00:28:00,486 There's a higher probability that I'd be jumpy, shoot you without provocation. 440 00:28:00,662 --> 00:28:03,290 - Then I could lose my weapon. - That's good. 441 00:28:03,465 --> 00:28:05,729 - I don't want to go to jail. - He doesn't wanna go. 442 00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:08,198 Have you been drinking and operating this vehicle? 443 00:28:08,370 --> 00:28:10,634 - Yeah, a lot. - Then you're probably going to jail. 444 00:28:10,805 --> 00:28:14,206 - I need you to breathe into this. - Officer, you don't need to do that. 445 00:28:14,376 --> 00:28:17,834 I'm gonna say, judging by the look of this car, you can't afford my bribe. 446 00:28:18,012 --> 00:28:20,947 - Why? How much do you charge? - Fifty-four hundred. 447 00:28:21,416 --> 00:28:24,544 - That's a lot. - That's too much, I think. Why so high? 448 00:28:24,719 --> 00:28:26,482 I have an expensive cocaine habit. 449 00:28:27,288 --> 00:28:29,188 But you know, it's more than that. 450 00:28:29,357 --> 00:28:33,589 I feel like when I set the price up higher, it takes it out of the realm of petty crime... 451 00:28:33,762 --> 00:28:36,026 ...and helps me preserve my sense of personal integrity. 452 00:28:36,197 --> 00:28:39,997 Sort of feeling of self-worth if you're... Yeah. Well, nice chatting with you. 453 00:28:40,168 --> 00:28:43,331 Anyhoo, I'm still gonna need you to breathe into this for me. 454 00:28:43,738 --> 00:28:46,866 You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there. 455 00:28:54,883 --> 00:28:57,818 Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart. You're drunk. 456 00:28:57,986 --> 00:29:01,581 - You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle. - I don't want to. 457 00:29:01,756 --> 00:29:03,986 Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle. 458 00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:05,456 - Might as well. - I can't. 459 00:29:05,627 --> 00:29:10,564 All right, that's it. Get out of the car! Come on out here! You're drunk. 460 00:29:10,765 --> 00:29:12,960 - You should be ashamed of yourself! - Officer. 461 00:29:13,134 --> 00:29:15,659 COP: I'm gonna think about this later. MARK: Listen, no, no, no! 462 00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:19,398 - Sir, please get back in the car! - Listen to what I've got to say. 463 00:29:20,275 --> 00:29:21,572 He's not drunk. 464 00:29:24,579 --> 00:29:27,480 I've made a terrible mistake. L... 465 00:29:27,649 --> 00:29:30,709 - I do this sometimes, I get overenthu... - It's the adrenaline. 466 00:29:30,885 --> 00:29:33,445 Well, actually, it arouses me. 467 00:29:33,621 --> 00:29:35,248 MARK: Sexually? 468 00:29:35,890 --> 00:29:39,326 COP: I'm so sorry. Please. Please let me help you. 469 00:29:39,494 --> 00:29:42,793 Can you forgive me? Did you eat something? Is it food poisoning? 470 00:29:42,964 --> 00:29:46,593 - Wait, you'll drive? MARK: Yeah. Good idea. Thank you. 471 00:29:46,768 --> 00:29:48,099 Sorry. 472 00:29:48,269 --> 00:29:49,293 [MARK LAUGHING] 473 00:29:49,471 --> 00:29:50,665 That was awesome. 474 00:29:50,839 --> 00:29:53,501 - Stop laughing, I'm gonna be sick. - You're gonna be fine. 475 00:29:53,675 --> 00:29:55,006 Oh, good. 476 00:29:55,176 --> 00:29:57,337 - Where are we going? - To get rich. 477 00:29:57,512 --> 00:29:59,173 [VOMITS] 478 00:30:09,958 --> 00:30:12,620 GREG: What are we doing here? We don't have money to throw away. 479 00:30:12,794 --> 00:30:14,659 We're not gonna throw it away. 480 00:30:14,829 --> 00:30:16,820 - Good luck. - Thank you. 481 00:30:16,998 --> 00:30:18,795 - Hi. - Hi. 482 00:30:18,967 --> 00:30:21,936 - Chips, please. - A good chance you'll lose this money. 483 00:30:22,103 --> 00:30:24,128 - I know. - And even if you happen to win... 484 00:30:24,305 --> 00:30:26,637 ...there's an even better chance we'll win it back. 485 00:30:26,808 --> 00:30:27,797 I know. 486 00:30:27,976 --> 00:30:30,069 Some games are fixed, ones that use computers. 487 00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:31,337 - I know. - Good luck. 488 00:30:31,513 --> 00:30:33,208 Thank you. 489 00:30:39,821 --> 00:30:40,947 - Hi, guys. - Hi. 490 00:30:41,122 --> 00:30:44,922 If I could be a stripper, I would, but I'm not attractive enough. Drinks? 491 00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:48,256 We'll have two beers and we'll take them at the roulette table. 492 00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:49,453 - Okay. - Cheers. 493 00:30:49,631 --> 00:30:53,089 Roulette's the stupidest game of all. It's all chance, there's no skill. 494 00:30:53,268 --> 00:30:54,860 It's all right, I'm feeling lucky. 495 00:30:55,036 --> 00:30:57,163 - You never had a lucky day. - Just watch. 496 00:30:57,338 --> 00:30:59,932 MAN: Get your bets in. Get your bets in. 497 00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:03,236 The house always wins in the long run. 498 00:31:03,411 --> 00:31:07,780 Because of the zeroes on the board, every bet is slightly favored towards the house. 499 00:31:10,618 --> 00:31:12,347 35 black. No one wins. 500 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:14,852 Look at that unusual thing. I've never... 501 00:31:16,190 --> 00:31:20,183 It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way. 502 00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:25,523 - We have a winner. - Hey. 503 00:31:25,700 --> 00:31:27,224 Good job. 504 00:31:27,402 --> 00:31:28,494 Congratulations, sir. 505 00:31:28,670 --> 00:31:32,470 I just won the major jackpot on that machine, but no money came out. 506 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,232 Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir. 507 00:31:34,409 --> 00:31:38,505 Let me get that fixed for you. And can I say congratulations, sir? 508 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:39,806 Thank you. 509 00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:44,042 We've got a major winner here. Would you open up the vault? 510 00:31:46,487 --> 00:31:49,354 This is the most amazing night of my entire life. 511 00:31:49,524 --> 00:31:51,890 Think how amazing it'd be if you didn't smell of vomit. 512 00:31:52,060 --> 00:31:53,721 I know. 513 00:32:03,905 --> 00:32:05,998 Mark, how's it going? 514 00:32:07,475 --> 00:32:09,033 Good. 515 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:12,138 How's it going with you? 516 00:32:13,147 --> 00:32:14,739 Pretty awful. 517 00:32:14,916 --> 00:32:18,181 I was up last night researching on the Internet... 518 00:32:18,353 --> 00:32:21,845 ...like suffocation suicide. 519 00:32:22,457 --> 00:32:23,924 I think... 520 00:32:24,092 --> 00:32:27,027 ...that's what I'm gonna do tonight. You know... 521 00:32:29,597 --> 00:32:30,655 Frank. 522 00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:34,626 Yeah? 523 00:32:34,802 --> 00:32:36,463 Don't do that. 524 00:32:37,972 --> 00:32:39,872 Why? I mean... 525 00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:43,238 You know, I'm miserable, I don't think anyone would care. 526 00:32:43,411 --> 00:32:44,969 I'll care. 527 00:32:45,146 --> 00:32:47,512 But you're a loser, which doesn't really count. 528 00:32:47,682 --> 00:32:49,547 Things are gonna... 529 00:32:50,018 --> 00:32:51,986 ...be okay. - They are? 530 00:32:52,153 --> 00:32:54,485 Yeah. You're gonna meet someone. 531 00:32:54,656 --> 00:32:56,283 You're gonna be happy. 532 00:33:00,662 --> 00:33:03,597 - I shouldn't kill myself? - Definitely not. 533 00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,836 Okay. I don't need to kill myself. 534 00:33:11,105 --> 00:33:13,403 Wow. I thought, um... 535 00:33:13,574 --> 00:33:15,542 I thought that, like... 536 00:33:15,710 --> 00:33:19,305 ...that suffocation idea, I thought that was a really good idea, you know? 537 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,971 - It wasn't. - Wow. 538 00:33:23,885 --> 00:33:25,011 My night's opened up. 539 00:33:27,121 --> 00:33:29,419 Do you wanna hang out or something? 540 00:33:29,590 --> 00:33:30,818 Oh, not really. 541 00:33:31,325 --> 00:33:33,555 It's all right. It's okay. 542 00:33:33,728 --> 00:33:34,956 MARK: No. 543 00:33:35,129 --> 00:33:36,619 Good idea. 544 00:33:37,098 --> 00:33:40,033 Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight. 545 00:33:40,401 --> 00:33:42,198 FRANK: I'll see you tonight. 546 00:33:43,504 --> 00:33:45,404 Cool, okay. 547 00:33:58,286 --> 00:34:01,653 [MUTED DIALOGUE] 548 00:35:38,186 --> 00:35:40,313 [PHONE RINGS] 549 00:35:41,689 --> 00:35:44,089 - Hello, this is Anna. - Hi, it's Mark. 550 00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:47,156 Oh. Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e-mail? 551 00:35:47,328 --> 00:35:49,990 - The one about not being good enough? - That's the one. 552 00:35:50,164 --> 00:35:51,722 Yeah, got that, cheers. 553 00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:56,563 Listen, the reason I'm calling is I want to ask you out on another date. 554 00:35:58,272 --> 00:35:59,830 - Why would you do that? - Well... 555 00:36:00,007 --> 00:36:03,943 ...I found out I can pretty much have my life the way I want it. 556 00:36:04,111 --> 00:36:07,012 - Congratulations. I gotta go. - No, wait. 557 00:36:07,181 --> 00:36:11,345 Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go on another date with me ever... 558 00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:16,314 ...but I'm different now. I think I'm in your league. 559 00:36:16,490 --> 00:36:19,550 - Are you better looking? - No. More powerful. 560 00:36:19,727 --> 00:36:22,127 - You have to see for yourself. - You been to the gym? 561 00:36:22,296 --> 00:36:27,825 No. I joined a gym, but... Just things have changed for me. 562 00:36:28,002 --> 00:36:30,470 - You'll hardly recognize me. - Did you buy new clothes? 563 00:36:30,638 --> 00:36:33,334 No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best. 564 00:36:33,507 --> 00:36:37,068 You did admit yourself that, you know, we got on. 565 00:36:37,245 --> 00:36:41,944 If you had an okay time, then please say yes. 566 00:36:42,116 --> 00:36:46,553 I'm just asking for one teensy, weensy little date. 567 00:36:48,322 --> 00:36:50,017 Okay, fine. 568 00:36:50,191 --> 00:36:52,022 Fantastic. 569 00:36:52,894 --> 00:36:56,159 I'll pick you up tomorrow, about 8? 570 00:36:56,330 --> 00:36:59,822 Most likely though, this will be our last date, so just know that. 571 00:37:00,001 --> 00:37:01,730 Yeah. Great. 572 00:37:01,903 --> 00:37:03,894 Okay. Bye. 573 00:37:04,405 --> 00:37:06,805 - Bye. - Hang up, Mark. 574 00:37:07,208 --> 00:37:08,675 Bye. 575 00:37:13,481 --> 00:37:16,279 ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Proudly presents The Industrial Revolution. 576 00:37:16,450 --> 00:37:19,283 Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith. 577 00:37:19,453 --> 00:37:22,251 Come, watch me read about the exciting events... 578 00:37:22,423 --> 00:37:25,221 ...that took place during the Industrial Revolution... 579 00:37:25,393 --> 00:37:29,955 ...written by the most beloved and esteemed screenwriter of his generation... 580 00:37:30,131 --> 00:37:31,758 ...Brad Kessler. 581 00:37:31,933 --> 00:37:35,926 I don't think anyone can write a better screenplay than Brad Kessler. 582 00:37:41,242 --> 00:37:42,903 No? 583 00:38:07,134 --> 00:38:08,396 BRAD: Hey! 584 00:38:08,569 --> 00:38:10,400 Did you come to beg for your job back? 585 00:38:11,105 --> 00:38:12,197 Everybody. 586 00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:16,104 That's the loser that thought the Black Plague would make an interesting film. 587 00:38:16,644 --> 00:38:17,702 Good luck, douche bag. 588 00:38:20,214 --> 00:38:22,546 - You can't go in there. - I've got an appointment. 589 00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:24,810 Oh, then go right in. 590 00:38:25,786 --> 00:38:28,311 ANTHONY: Talk to you later. 591 00:38:28,789 --> 00:38:31,587 Hi. That was the head of the studio. 592 00:38:34,061 --> 00:38:36,461 Why are you...? Why are you here? 593 00:38:36,630 --> 00:38:40,726 Well, when you fired me, I was seriously depressed. 594 00:38:41,802 --> 00:38:42,826 - I knew it. - But... 595 00:38:44,138 --> 00:38:47,130 ...I went for a walk, right out of town. 596 00:38:47,308 --> 00:38:51,904 And I came across a desert and I fell asleep under a tree, palm tree. 597 00:38:52,079 --> 00:38:55,571 I don't do well with other people's life-changing stories. 598 00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:59,880 And then when I woke up, I saw, like, a thing sticking out of the sand. 599 00:39:00,054 --> 00:39:03,990 And I unearthed it and it was an ancient chest. 600 00:39:04,759 --> 00:39:07,023 Really old, 700 years old. 601 00:39:07,194 --> 00:39:12,154 - And in that chest was this. - What is it? 602 00:39:12,333 --> 00:39:15,791 It's a never-before-heard event from history. 603 00:39:16,370 --> 00:39:17,837 When does it take place? 604 00:39:18,172 --> 00:39:20,663 - 1300s. - Come on. No, Mark. 605 00:39:20,841 --> 00:39:24,538 Mark, I've already told you, we don't do Black Plague movies here. 606 00:39:24,712 --> 00:39:28,512 It's not about the Black Plague. It's not just about the Black Plague. 607 00:39:28,682 --> 00:39:32,049 It's about... Can I just read it, please? 608 00:39:32,553 --> 00:39:35,113 Get excited. Don't tap, get excited. 609 00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:37,519 Get very excited because... 610 00:39:37,691 --> 00:39:43,095 ...this is one of the best discoveries... 611 00:39:43,264 --> 00:39:46,324 ...man has ever discovered. 612 00:39:46,500 --> 00:39:50,368 - And you can be part of it. - Yes, but is there a movie there? 613 00:39:50,538 --> 00:39:54,838 The greatest movie Lecture Films has ever made. 614 00:39:56,110 --> 00:39:57,236 Start reading. 615 00:39:59,847 --> 00:40:05,308 "On the very first day of the 14th century, a momentous occasion occurred. 616 00:40:05,486 --> 00:40:10,924 It began like any other day. The sun rose, babies began to cry. 617 00:40:11,392 --> 00:40:14,828 But all of that was interrupted when a giant, flying spaceship... 618 00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:19,762 ...crashed down from the skies and landed in the heart of Babylon." 619 00:40:19,934 --> 00:40:22,027 What? 620 00:40:25,439 --> 00:40:28,408 Get everyone in here right now. We got... We got a big one. 621 00:40:29,343 --> 00:40:31,402 Please, Mark, continue. 622 00:40:34,548 --> 00:40:37,540 "The ninja army unleashed a giant fireball... 623 00:40:37,718 --> 00:40:41,586 ...and brought the robot dinosaur to its knees, saving Mars, Earth... 624 00:40:41,755 --> 00:40:46,158 ...and the nude Amazonian alien women, all in one sweeping motion. 625 00:40:46,327 --> 00:40:48,022 The Earth was saved. 626 00:40:48,195 --> 00:40:52,598 Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry by alien King Wanglor. 627 00:40:52,766 --> 00:40:56,293 It was to be the first 'human nude Amazonian alien woman' wedding... 628 00:40:56,470 --> 00:40:58,062 ...and no expense would be spared. 629 00:40:58,739 --> 00:41:02,038 All of Babylon and Mars were invited to join the celebrations. 630 00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:04,803 The wedding was held on a brisk summer's day on Mars. 631 00:41:04,979 --> 00:41:08,642 All of the survivors of the Great Ninja War and the Black Plague were present. 632 00:41:08,816 --> 00:41:13,276 They feasted and danced and laughed, and it was a joyous occasion. 633 00:41:13,454 --> 00:41:17,288 The moment the bride and groom kissed, King Wanglor performed a mind-wipe... 634 00:41:17,458 --> 00:41:22,191 ...on all the humans, thereby erasing all knowledge of these events for 700 years... 635 00:41:22,363 --> 00:41:25,924 ...until one day, a great writer by the name of Mark Bellison... 636 00:41:26,100 --> 00:41:31,037 ...would stumble across them in the desert after being fired by his crap boss, Anthony... 637 00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:39,073 ...and mocked by Brad and Shelley, two huge douche bags. 638 00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:43,740 Lecture Films would go on to make the picture and it'd be a huge success. 639 00:41:43,918 --> 00:41:47,615 And Mark would become very wealthy and famous from it." 640 00:41:59,900 --> 00:42:02,095 What are you gonna call this, Mark? 641 00:42:04,805 --> 00:42:05,931 The Black Plague. 642 00:42:09,710 --> 00:42:14,443 I want you to start immediately. I think this could be the best screenplay ever written. 643 00:42:14,615 --> 00:42:16,139 Oh, it will. 644 00:42:16,317 --> 00:42:18,717 It will be the best screenplay ever written... 645 00:42:19,453 --> 00:42:20,852 ...by anyone. 646 00:42:30,297 --> 00:42:31,855 ANNA: Well... 647 00:42:32,766 --> 00:42:35,326 ...I guess congratulations on selling your script today. 648 00:42:35,502 --> 00:42:38,096 - Cheers. - Cheers. 649 00:42:39,673 --> 00:42:43,973 Tell me something about your family. I don't know that much about you. 650 00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:46,973 We're sort of what you'd call unlucky. 651 00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:49,638 - My dad was an alcoholic. - Sad. 652 00:42:49,917 --> 00:42:52,715 Drinking got to a point where he lost his job and... 653 00:42:52,886 --> 00:42:56,049 ...with a family to support, he had no choice but to turn to crime. 654 00:42:56,223 --> 00:42:57,349 What kind of crime? 655 00:42:57,858 --> 00:43:01,726 Burglary. Houses, mainly. 656 00:43:08,135 --> 00:43:11,195 What you doing here? It's noon. You're not supposed to be home. 657 00:43:11,372 --> 00:43:14,205 If you must know, I'm stressed at work. I've come home early. 658 00:43:14,375 --> 00:43:16,935 I'm having a bit of me time. What are you doing? 659 00:43:17,111 --> 00:43:18,669 Well, I was gonna rob your house. 660 00:43:18,846 --> 00:43:22,509 - I don't like that idea, not a fan. - Not gonna do it now because you're in. 661 00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:26,551 - I'm gonna call the police, you'll be arrested. - I'll leave. You don't know my name. 662 00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:28,187 - What is your name? - Richard Bellison. 663 00:43:28,355 --> 00:43:30,323 Ha-ha-ha. Good to meet you. Two options. 664 00:43:30,491 --> 00:43:34,951 One, I send the police to your house. Arrest you, embarrass you in front of neighbors. 665 00:43:35,129 --> 00:43:37,620 Or two, you just come in and wait for the police here. 666 00:43:37,798 --> 00:43:39,595 - No, I�ll... I'll wait. - Yeah? 667 00:43:39,767 --> 00:43:42,395 MAN: Come on in. Do you want a cup of tea? RICHARD: That'd be good. 668 00:43:42,569 --> 00:43:44,730 MARK: He spent the last years of his life in jail. 669 00:43:44,905 --> 00:43:46,167 I never really knew him. 670 00:43:46,607 --> 00:43:49,667 But I've been blessed with some luck as well in my life. 671 00:43:49,843 --> 00:43:52,641 I had a wonderful mother who raised me. 672 00:43:52,813 --> 00:43:55,304 - Oh, that's sweet. - She's great. 673 00:43:55,582 --> 00:43:58,847 - Where is she? - At an old peoples' home. 674 00:43:59,386 --> 00:44:02,753 But I'm gonna get her out of there tomorrow. 675 00:44:03,691 --> 00:44:06,888 Gonna get her a mansion so she can spend the rest of her life in luxury. 676 00:44:07,061 --> 00:44:08,926 That's nice. 677 00:44:09,830 --> 00:44:11,923 - Compliments from the chef. MARK: Thank you. 678 00:44:12,099 --> 00:44:14,624 Don't know what's wrong today, but these look awful. 679 00:44:14,802 --> 00:44:17,236 - They look fine to me. - Well, you're stupid. 680 00:44:23,644 --> 00:44:24,770 I was thinking. 681 00:44:24,945 --> 00:44:29,109 Now I'm obviously rich and successful and... 682 00:44:29,283 --> 00:44:31,114 ...maybe I'm in your league... 683 00:44:31,285 --> 00:44:33,150 ...and that we could... 684 00:44:33,654 --> 00:44:36,987 ...be together, romantically. 685 00:44:37,324 --> 00:44:39,690 What would be the point? 686 00:44:40,994 --> 00:44:43,485 We might enjoy it. I mean... 687 00:44:45,733 --> 00:44:49,499 Well, I do like you and I do enjoy your company. 688 00:44:49,670 --> 00:44:54,471 And if we were to procreate, I would like the offspring carrying half my genetic code... 689 00:44:54,641 --> 00:44:58,202 ...to be well taken care of, financially stable. 690 00:44:58,379 --> 00:45:01,906 I also think you'd make a good father and a good husband, which I like. 691 00:45:02,082 --> 00:45:03,947 Fantastic. 692 00:45:04,752 --> 00:45:06,743 Unfortunately, none of that changes... 693 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:11,152 ...that you'd still be contributing half the genetic code to our children. 694 00:45:13,961 --> 00:45:18,398 I don't want little fat kids with snub noses. 695 00:45:19,533 --> 00:45:21,194 Sure. 696 00:45:22,469 --> 00:45:23,731 [PHONE RINGING] 697 00:45:23,904 --> 00:45:24,893 Sorry. 698 00:45:25,873 --> 00:45:28,933 Hello? Speaking. 699 00:45:30,444 --> 00:45:31,570 She what? 700 00:45:33,447 --> 00:45:34,709 Mum? 701 00:45:34,882 --> 00:45:37,578 They just called me. What's going on? 702 00:45:37,885 --> 00:45:38,909 They said... 703 00:45:39,386 --> 00:45:42,412 ...I'm probably gonna die tonight. - What? 704 00:45:42,923 --> 00:45:46,188 Hello. I was just coming in to check on her. You must be Martha's son. 705 00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:48,260 What do you mean she's gonna die tonight? 706 00:45:48,429 --> 00:45:51,296 It does not look very good. She suffered a major heart attack. 707 00:45:51,465 --> 00:45:54,730 Her heart is very weak. Her pulse is not very strong. 708 00:45:54,902 --> 00:45:57,393 Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly... 709 00:45:57,571 --> 00:46:02,508 ...and she will probably suffer a fatal heart attack sometime tonight. 710 00:46:02,676 --> 00:46:05,839 Yes. Still going to die. 711 00:46:08,649 --> 00:46:10,310 Side note: 712 00:46:10,484 --> 00:46:13,044 It's fajita night downstairs in the cafeteria... 713 00:46:13,220 --> 00:46:17,953 ...so you might wanna grab yourself a little bite down there after Mom dies. 714 00:46:18,125 --> 00:46:19,820 Okay? 715 00:46:24,832 --> 00:46:27,596 I'm so scared, Mark. 716 00:46:27,935 --> 00:46:30,301 People don't talk about it... 717 00:46:30,637 --> 00:46:33,470 ...but death is an horrible thing. 718 00:46:33,941 --> 00:46:36,466 One minute you're alive... 719 00:46:37,744 --> 00:46:41,145 ...and then just like that, it's all gone. 720 00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:44,809 This is it, Mark. 721 00:46:46,653 --> 00:46:50,521 A few more hours like this and then... 722 00:46:53,093 --> 00:46:56,722 ...an eternity of nothingness. 723 00:46:59,933 --> 00:47:01,366 [MACHINES BEEPING] 724 00:47:01,535 --> 00:47:03,366 Nurse! 725 00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:08,632 Her vitals are dropping. 726 00:47:09,776 --> 00:47:13,678 I'm so... I'm so frightened. 727 00:47:14,882 --> 00:47:16,850 Oh, Mum. 728 00:47:24,258 --> 00:47:26,783 Mum, listen to me. 729 00:47:27,427 --> 00:47:29,327 Listen carefully. 730 00:47:29,496 --> 00:47:33,296 You're wrong about what happens after you die. 731 00:47:34,902 --> 00:47:36,995 It's not an eternity of nothingness. 732 00:47:39,706 --> 00:47:42,140 You go to your favorite place in the whole world. 733 00:47:43,710 --> 00:47:48,477 Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved and who's ever loved you will be there. 734 00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:50,473 And you'll be young again. 735 00:47:50,717 --> 00:47:56,087 You'll run and jump like you used to, and dance. You used to dance. 736 00:47:59,660 --> 00:48:01,685 There's no pain. 737 00:48:06,066 --> 00:48:08,125 Just love... 738 00:48:10,938 --> 00:48:13,099 ...and happiness. 739 00:48:13,674 --> 00:48:16,074 And everyone gets a mansion. 740 00:48:17,077 --> 00:48:20,535 And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum. 741 00:48:25,852 --> 00:48:28,343 Say hello to Dad for me. 742 00:48:29,256 --> 00:48:30,655 Tell him I love him. 743 00:48:38,799 --> 00:48:40,892 - Go on. - What else happens? 744 00:48:41,535 --> 00:48:43,400 Mum. 745 00:48:43,604 --> 00:48:46,004 I'm gonna see my mother again when I die. 746 00:48:46,173 --> 00:48:48,733 Will you tell us more, please? 747 00:48:48,976 --> 00:48:51,536 [EKG FLAT LINING] 748 00:50:21,301 --> 00:50:22,495 Hi. 749 00:50:22,969 --> 00:50:24,561 Hi. 750 00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:11,917 I wanna hear the news. 751 00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:25,222 MARK: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. 752 00:51:27,868 --> 00:51:30,530 - There he is. That's him! - There he is. 753 00:51:32,205 --> 00:51:35,868 - Is there only one place you go? - Will everyone who has ever died be there? 754 00:51:36,042 --> 00:51:39,273 - What's this place called? - Will I get to have sex with people there? 755 00:51:39,446 --> 00:51:42,381 - Are there shopping malls? - Can we smoke up there? 756 00:51:42,549 --> 00:51:43,982 [PHONE RINGS] 757 00:51:44,518 --> 00:51:45,542 Hi. 758 00:51:45,719 --> 00:51:49,280 They're saying you know something different about what happens after you die. 759 00:51:50,957 --> 00:51:54,791 Twenty-four hours ago, Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer. 760 00:51:54,961 --> 00:51:57,953 Today, people are saying he has new information... 761 00:51:58,131 --> 00:52:00,964 ...about what happens after you die. 762 00:52:01,134 --> 00:52:02,624 Oh, this is bad. 763 00:52:02,936 --> 00:52:06,167 I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Pardon me, please. 764 00:52:06,339 --> 00:52:09,536 Whoops. Excuse me. Excuse me. 765 00:52:10,644 --> 00:52:12,009 Quick. 766 00:52:12,179 --> 00:52:13,669 Come in. 767 00:52:14,014 --> 00:52:15,345 Yeah. 768 00:52:16,383 --> 00:52:18,510 WOMAN: Do you think he's gonna come out? Maybe he's... 769 00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:20,447 Just tell me what you told your mom. 770 00:52:20,620 --> 00:52:22,611 I don't think I should. Anything can happen. 771 00:52:22,789 --> 00:52:25,519 I've gotta keep my mouth shut from now on. Why did l...? 772 00:52:25,692 --> 00:52:28,422 Whatever you said obviously affected a lot of people. 773 00:52:28,595 --> 00:52:32,087 - You don't have the choice to keep it in. - I do. I could walk out that door. 774 00:52:32,265 --> 00:52:34,665 Get on the first plane to Namibia. No one knows me. 775 00:52:34,835 --> 00:52:37,599 Just tell me what you said, Mark. Please, just tell me. 776 00:52:38,505 --> 00:52:42,271 My mum was dying, she was scared, she was shaking all over... 777 00:52:42,442 --> 00:52:45,969 ...and she said she didn't wanna just enter a world of nothingness. 778 00:52:46,146 --> 00:52:50,276 So I said, "You're wrong about what happens after you die." 779 00:52:50,450 --> 00:52:53,283 And I told her, I said: 780 00:52:53,453 --> 00:52:55,182 "It's not a world of nothingness. 781 00:52:55,355 --> 00:52:59,519 You go to the best place ever, where all your friends are and... 782 00:53:00,460 --> 00:53:02,928 ...you have an eternity of joy." 783 00:53:03,663 --> 00:53:05,756 I made her happy. 784 00:53:10,570 --> 00:53:12,003 How do you know these things? 785 00:53:12,505 --> 00:53:14,097 Well, I... 786 00:53:15,008 --> 00:53:17,169 Oh, that makes me happy. 787 00:53:18,211 --> 00:53:21,408 You have to tell them everything you know. You have to, it's too big. 788 00:53:21,581 --> 00:53:23,981 Listen, you don't understand. The things I told my... 789 00:53:24,150 --> 00:53:26,618 - You said it made her happy to hear them? - Yes. 790 00:53:26,786 --> 00:53:28,720 - And how did that make you feel? - Good. 791 00:53:28,889 --> 00:53:32,825 So imagine how it would feel to do the same for all of these people. 792 00:53:39,466 --> 00:53:41,195 Okay. 793 00:53:42,435 --> 00:53:44,494 I need some time. 794 00:53:46,706 --> 00:53:49,573 You sure I should do this? 795 00:53:49,743 --> 00:53:51,335 Of course you should. 796 00:53:51,511 --> 00:53:55,470 Mark, what you know is gonna change mankind forever. 797 00:53:56,716 --> 00:53:59,810 It's the most important thing the world has ever heard. 798 00:54:03,256 --> 00:54:05,247 I'll let you work. 799 00:54:17,270 --> 00:54:18,703 [KNOCKING] 800 00:54:18,872 --> 00:54:20,499 Come in. 801 00:54:22,709 --> 00:54:26,577 I brought pizza. How come you never told me we all get mansions? 802 00:54:26,746 --> 00:54:28,373 - I didn't... - Let him keep working. 803 00:54:28,548 --> 00:54:32,678 - It's one thing that you invented the bicycle... - Just keep working, don't worry about... 804 00:54:32,852 --> 00:54:35,844 I've known him for a long time and he never told me that. 805 00:54:37,390 --> 00:54:42,657 - I got plain and I got... - That's good. 806 00:54:42,829 --> 00:54:43,887 ...another plain. 807 00:54:47,300 --> 00:54:49,029 MAN [ON TV]: In London, England, they wait. 808 00:54:49,369 --> 00:54:51,633 In Rome, Italy, they wait. 809 00:54:51,805 --> 00:54:54,069 In New York City, they wait. 810 00:54:54,240 --> 00:54:58,904 The world has come to a standstill, everyone at their televisions and radios... 811 00:54:59,079 --> 00:55:00,603 ...or here on this lawn... 812 00:55:00,780 --> 00:55:04,910 ...waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth and tell the people what he knows. 813 00:55:21,434 --> 00:55:23,334 Oh. 814 00:55:24,204 --> 00:55:25,899 Hey. 815 00:55:28,141 --> 00:55:30,541 Well, finished. 816 00:55:31,911 --> 00:55:33,845 Are you ready? 817 00:55:34,614 --> 00:55:36,013 I guess so. 818 00:55:36,182 --> 00:55:39,709 I wish I had somewhere better to put these on though, like tablets. 819 00:55:39,886 --> 00:55:42,912 Or just even better paper. 820 00:55:47,660 --> 00:55:50,527 - That feels better. - Good. 821 00:55:50,864 --> 00:55:54,300 Just... Just tell them what you know. 822 00:55:54,467 --> 00:55:56,128 GREG: Good luck out there, man. - Cheers. 823 00:56:08,348 --> 00:56:10,612 MAN: Twenty-four hours ago, Mark Bellison was just... 824 00:56:10,784 --> 00:56:12,945 ...your typical nobody writer. Today... 825 00:56:13,353 --> 00:56:18,120 ...people are saying he has new information about what happens after you die. 826 00:56:33,740 --> 00:56:34,764 ANNA: Sorry. 827 00:56:38,645 --> 00:56:40,442 I guess... 828 00:56:40,780 --> 00:56:45,717 ...you heard about the stuff that I told my mum the other night. 829 00:56:45,885 --> 00:56:47,512 That's why you're here. 830 00:56:47,687 --> 00:56:49,746 I know some things, very important things... 831 00:56:49,923 --> 00:56:53,825 ...about what happens to you after you die. 832 00:56:54,527 --> 00:56:56,757 Everything you need to know... 833 00:56:56,930 --> 00:56:59,125 ...is written on these pizza boxes. 834 00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:01,732 MAN 1: Hey, what happened? MAN 2: Did he come out? 835 00:57:08,908 --> 00:57:10,466 Number one: 836 00:57:10,643 --> 00:57:14,374 There is a man in the sky who controls everything. 837 00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,408 - Number two. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 838 00:57:18,585 --> 00:57:19,882 What does he look like? 839 00:57:20,587 --> 00:57:23,920 Tall, big hands for making stuff. 840 00:57:24,090 --> 00:57:26,923 - Good head of hair. - What ethnicity is he? 841 00:57:27,093 --> 00:57:29,789 He's a new type of ethnicity. 842 00:57:29,963 --> 00:57:32,761 He's a mixture of all our ethnicities. 843 00:57:32,932 --> 00:57:34,399 - Does he live in the clouds? - No. 844 00:57:34,567 --> 00:57:35,625 - Can we see him? MARK: No. 845 00:57:35,802 --> 00:57:38,498 He lives higher than the clouds, too high to see him. 846 00:57:38,671 --> 00:57:41,003 - So he lives in space. - Not that high. 847 00:57:41,207 --> 00:57:43,107 - So then the thermosphere? MARK: Sorry, people. 848 00:57:43,276 --> 00:57:46,404 I've got a lot to get through here. Can we just...? 849 00:57:46,579 --> 00:57:50,913 Man lives in the sky, you can't see him. He controls everything. Cool? 850 00:57:51,151 --> 00:57:53,415 Good. Number two: 851 00:57:53,586 --> 00:57:57,352 When you die, you don't disappear into an eternity of nothingness. 852 00:57:57,524 --> 00:58:01,324 - Instead, you go to a really great place. CROWD: Wow. 853 00:58:01,494 --> 00:58:05,157 Number three: In that place, everyone... 854 00:58:05,331 --> 00:58:06,730 ...will get a mansion. 855 00:58:06,900 --> 00:58:08,162 [CHEERING] 856 00:58:12,238 --> 00:58:13,466 What kind of mansion? 857 00:58:13,640 --> 00:58:15,835 The best mansion you could think of. 858 00:58:16,042 --> 00:58:18,067 I was thinking of a horrible mansion! 859 00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:19,268 Well, no. 860 00:58:19,445 --> 00:58:22,107 It's the best mansion you could ever think of. 861 00:58:22,282 --> 00:58:24,944 Not the one you're thinking of right now, but ever. 862 00:58:25,118 --> 00:58:29,782 Whatever the best mansion is you'd like, that's the one you're gonna get. 863 00:58:30,390 --> 00:58:31,448 Number four: 864 00:58:31,624 --> 00:58:34,616 When you die, all the people you love will be there. 865 00:58:34,794 --> 00:58:38,457 - Will they have their own mansions? - Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion. 866 00:58:38,631 --> 00:58:40,895 - What if I want them to live in my mansion? - Fine. 867 00:58:41,067 --> 00:58:43,035 They'll leave their mansion, live with you. 868 00:58:43,203 --> 00:58:46,400 - What happens to their mansion? - Don't know. Goes back on the market. 869 00:58:46,573 --> 00:58:48,564 Can we...? Number five: 870 00:58:49,976 --> 00:58:54,072 When you die, there will be free ice cream for everyone... 871 00:58:54,247 --> 00:58:58,479 ...all day and all night, whatever flavors you can think of. 872 00:58:58,952 --> 00:59:01,716 - Even bad flavors? - Why would you think of bad flavors? 873 00:59:01,888 --> 00:59:06,325 - You just said every flavor I could think of. - Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks. 874 00:59:06,492 --> 00:59:09,950 - Well, don't eat that, then. - I just thought chocolate sauce was diarrhea. 875 00:59:10,129 --> 00:59:13,565 Don't put that on the ice cream, then. What is the matter with you people? 876 00:59:13,733 --> 00:59:16,395 Can we...? Please. Number six: 877 00:59:16,569 --> 00:59:19,868 If you do bad things, you won't go to this great place when you die. 878 00:59:20,039 --> 00:59:21,939 Where will you go? 879 00:59:22,375 --> 00:59:24,866 A terrible place, the worst place imaginable. 880 00:59:25,044 --> 00:59:26,705 What constitutes a bad thing? 881 00:59:26,879 --> 00:59:29,905 Awful crimes. Rape, murder, things like that. 882 00:59:30,083 --> 00:59:31,778 - Is punching someone bad? - Yes. 883 00:59:31,951 --> 00:59:34,647 - What if they're trying to hurt you? - Well, then it's fine. 884 00:59:34,821 --> 00:59:36,311 - Is cursing bad? - No. 885 00:59:36,489 --> 00:59:38,923 - What about being late for work? MARK: No, that's fine. 886 00:59:39,092 --> 00:59:42,027 I mean, you might lose your job if the boss doesn't like it... 887 00:59:42,195 --> 00:59:44,493 ...but it won't affect what happens after you die. 888 00:59:44,664 --> 00:59:47,633 What about if you forget to feed your dog? 889 00:59:47,800 --> 00:59:49,961 MARK: Well, then if you forget, it's bad for the dog. 890 00:59:50,136 --> 00:59:53,936 If the dog dies, it's bad. But it's not... I mean, don't do it on purpose. 891 00:59:54,107 --> 00:59:57,702 Don't buy a dog just to starve it for a laugh, but... 892 00:59:57,877 --> 01:00:00,209 - Can we...? - Lf I do just one bad thing... 893 01:00:00,380 --> 01:00:03,281 ...do I go to the bad place? - No. 894 01:00:04,350 --> 01:00:07,080 You get three chances. 895 01:00:07,253 --> 01:00:09,346 Three bad things and you're out. 896 01:00:09,522 --> 01:00:11,217 Like baseball. 897 01:00:11,824 --> 01:00:14,759 Sort of. So anything else? 898 01:00:14,927 --> 01:00:16,053 Yeah! 899 01:00:16,229 --> 01:00:18,663 - Please, can we just move on? MAN 1: No. 900 01:00:19,232 --> 01:00:21,029 We have to know everything that's bad. 901 01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:22,531 CROWD: Yeah! 902 01:00:22,702 --> 01:00:24,670 [CHATTERING] 903 01:00:24,837 --> 01:00:25,826 Fine. 904 01:00:26,005 --> 01:00:28,530 - Is it bad to wear pants? - Ugh. What the...? 905 01:00:31,241 --> 01:00:32,265 MARK: No. 906 01:00:32,776 --> 01:00:36,576 There is no hairstyle that can put you in the bad place. 907 01:00:36,747 --> 01:00:38,009 We've been through this. 908 01:00:38,182 --> 01:00:43,210 The main ones are things like hurting people physically, on purpose, okay? 909 01:00:43,387 --> 01:00:47,619 Taking their stuff, doing things to people they don't want done... 910 01:00:47,791 --> 01:00:50,123 ...murdering people on purpose. 911 01:00:50,828 --> 01:00:52,591 Okay. Number nine: 912 01:00:53,230 --> 01:00:55,528 The man in the sky who controls everything... 913 01:00:55,699 --> 01:00:58,634 ...decides if you go to the good place or the bad place. 914 01:00:58,802 --> 01:01:01,498 He also decides who lives and who dies. 915 01:01:01,672 --> 01:01:04,038 - Does he cause natural disasters? - Yes. 916 01:01:04,208 --> 01:01:07,109 - Did he cause my mom to get cancer? - Yes. 917 01:01:07,277 --> 01:01:09,643 Did he cause that tree to land on my car last week? 918 01:01:09,813 --> 01:01:13,476 - Yep. - Did he kill my dad with that heart attack? 919 01:01:15,819 --> 01:01:17,286 Yeah. 920 01:01:19,356 --> 01:01:22,052 WOMAN 1: This is really... This is just not right. 921 01:01:22,292 --> 01:01:26,160 - I say fuck the man that lives in the sky! CROWD: Yeah! 922 01:01:27,731 --> 01:01:29,096 Yeah, that guy's evil! 923 01:01:29,266 --> 01:01:32,167 That guy's a coward, hiding up there, doing bad things to us. 924 01:01:32,336 --> 01:01:33,598 Why not do it to our faces? 925 01:01:33,771 --> 01:01:36,239 We have to stop that evil bastard before he kills us all! 926 01:01:36,407 --> 01:01:37,874 Yeah! 927 01:01:40,377 --> 01:01:42,504 MARK: Wait, wait, listen. 928 01:01:43,547 --> 01:01:47,847 The man who lives in the sky and controls everything... 929 01:01:48,018 --> 01:01:50,578 ...is also responsible for all the good stuff that happens. 930 01:01:50,754 --> 01:01:52,187 [CHATTERING] 931 01:01:52,356 --> 01:01:55,848 He's the guy that saved my life on that fishing trip when the boat capsized? 932 01:01:56,026 --> 01:01:58,392 - Yes. - Did he capsize the boat? 933 01:01:58,996 --> 01:02:00,691 - Yeah. WOMAN 2: He killed my grandmother... 934 01:02:00,864 --> 01:02:03,526 ...and left me those millions of dollars? - You betcha. 935 01:02:04,268 --> 01:02:07,499 So he's the one who cured my mom's cancer? 936 01:02:07,805 --> 01:02:09,238 - Yeah. MAN 2: So he's... 937 01:02:09,406 --> 01:02:12,603 He's kind of a good guy, but he's also kind of a prick too. 938 01:02:13,410 --> 01:02:16,311 Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay? 939 01:02:16,480 --> 01:02:20,507 Number 10: Even if the man in the sky does bad stuff to you... 940 01:02:20,684 --> 01:02:24,950 ...he makes up for it by giving you an eternity of good stuff after you die. 941 01:02:27,224 --> 01:02:30,682 As long as you don't do any of that bad stuff that you mentioned, right? 942 01:02:30,861 --> 01:02:33,591 - Yeah, of course. - So it's kind of a test. 943 01:02:33,764 --> 01:02:38,360 Yeah. Well, that's everything I know. 944 01:02:45,242 --> 01:02:47,039 How do you know all these things? 945 01:02:47,778 --> 01:02:50,110 Because the man in the sky told me. 946 01:02:50,280 --> 01:02:54,512 How come we're just finding out now, millions of years into our existence? 947 01:02:55,319 --> 01:02:58,482 He forgot. Gotta... See all the stuff he does? 948 01:02:58,655 --> 01:03:00,418 Thank you. 949 01:03:07,130 --> 01:03:09,064 Think that went well. 950 01:03:37,261 --> 01:03:39,752 [MUTED DIALOGUE] 951 01:04:40,390 --> 01:04:41,516 Cheers. 952 01:04:41,692 --> 01:04:44,252 [CHATTERING] 953 01:04:52,703 --> 01:04:55,604 WOMAN 1: Mark! MAN: Mark! Hey, Mark! 954 01:04:55,772 --> 01:04:57,364 WOMAN 2: Hey, Mark! 955 01:05:03,347 --> 01:05:05,178 [MUTED DIALOGUE] 956 01:05:11,054 --> 01:05:13,522 - Cheers. - Cheers. 957 01:05:24,234 --> 01:05:29,331 Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a baby from a burning building... 958 01:05:29,506 --> 01:05:33,738 ...and there was a bear and... - There was a burning building and a bear? 959 01:05:33,910 --> 01:05:39,815 Yeah. Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying and so I ran in there, through the flames... 960 01:05:39,983 --> 01:05:43,612 ...not caring about my own safety, got the baby, jumped out. 961 01:05:43,787 --> 01:05:46,381 It was the second story, jumped out. Pdhh. 962 01:05:46,556 --> 01:05:48,786 I landed, baby safe. But then this bear... 963 01:05:48,959 --> 01:05:50,756 - How did you survive? - Let me tell you. 964 01:05:50,927 --> 01:05:54,693 How did you survive the jump? I've seen you twist your ankle crossing the street. 965 01:05:54,931 --> 01:05:59,334 Because on this occasion, I landed in something soft. 966 01:05:59,503 --> 01:06:01,300 - So... - What did you land in? 967 01:06:01,471 --> 01:06:02,768 - Jam. - Jam. 968 01:06:02,939 --> 01:06:06,807 There was a barrel of jam. It was a jam factory on fire. 969 01:06:06,977 --> 01:06:11,107 Probably what attracted the bear in the first place. You haven't heard of that? 970 01:06:11,281 --> 01:06:15,081 The "burning building, baby, bear, factory, jam" incident? 971 01:06:15,252 --> 01:06:17,447 - Shoot, no. - Yeah, classic. 972 01:06:17,621 --> 01:06:20,419 So I land. This bear is coming toward. 973 01:06:20,590 --> 01:06:22,990 Big, lumbering, eating machine... 974 01:06:23,160 --> 01:06:25,651 ...like that happy chap over there. 975 01:06:25,829 --> 01:06:28,354 - What, sleeping, ugly fatty? He's not happy. - Well... 976 01:06:28,532 --> 01:06:30,124 Well, how do you know? 977 01:06:30,300 --> 01:06:33,167 What do you mean? Look at him. He's a loser. 978 01:06:34,404 --> 01:06:36,702 MARK: You can't tell from just looking at the guy. 979 01:06:36,873 --> 01:06:38,636 He could be the world's greatest poet. 980 01:06:40,310 --> 01:06:42,335 Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example. 981 01:06:42,512 --> 01:06:46,539 But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be, just by l... 982 01:06:46,717 --> 01:06:49,117 Okay. What do you see when you see this fellow here? 983 01:06:49,286 --> 01:06:50,685 ANNA: Short, sweaty, bald guy. 984 01:06:50,854 --> 01:06:52,947 - Right. Well, don't... - Hi! 985 01:06:53,123 --> 01:06:57,389 He's carrying a briefcase. He's in a hurry. Probably off to a really important meeting. 986 01:06:57,561 --> 01:06:59,825 He's probably a high-powered businessman. 987 01:06:59,996 --> 01:07:01,554 You see more than I do. 988 01:07:01,732 --> 01:07:04,826 Well, because, if you look... 989 01:07:05,302 --> 01:07:07,327 What do you see when you see those guys? 990 01:07:09,306 --> 01:07:11,672 Two nerdy losers... 991 01:07:11,842 --> 01:07:14,276 ...in hats? - Yeah. Good. 992 01:07:14,444 --> 01:07:16,469 Good observational skills. 993 01:07:16,646 --> 01:07:22,414 But what I mean is, look beyond just their appearance and look at them. 994 01:07:23,120 --> 01:07:27,056 They're holding hands. They're in love. 995 01:07:30,060 --> 01:07:32,790 Hey, do me. 996 01:07:32,963 --> 01:07:35,864 I mean, just what do you see? What do you see in me? 997 01:07:36,032 --> 01:07:37,363 You're... 998 01:07:37,534 --> 01:07:39,729 ...pretty. You've got a wonderful smile. 999 01:07:39,903 --> 01:07:43,430 - Well, that's what everyone sees. - I wasn't finished. 1000 01:07:44,341 --> 01:07:47,367 You're the sweetest, most caring person I know. 1001 01:07:47,544 --> 01:07:50,911 And you've got a freckle there I've never told you about how much I love. 1002 01:07:51,081 --> 01:07:52,548 You usually smile... 1003 01:07:52,716 --> 01:07:56,174 ...but sometimes you spend your day in bed, eating and crying. 1004 01:07:56,653 --> 01:07:59,884 You'll hold someone's hand after their mum... 1005 01:08:02,626 --> 01:08:05,424 You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. 1006 01:08:10,567 --> 01:08:12,592 What do you see when you look at me? 1007 01:08:18,441 --> 01:08:21,001 You're chubby and you have a snub nose. 1008 01:08:23,079 --> 01:08:25,570 Yep. That's about it. 1009 01:08:30,620 --> 01:08:32,850 You're smart. 1010 01:08:34,090 --> 01:08:36,149 You're kind. 1011 01:08:36,359 --> 01:08:38,953 You're the sweetest man I've ever met. 1012 01:08:40,030 --> 01:08:43,864 You are definitely the most interesting person I know. 1013 01:08:44,034 --> 01:08:46,594 And you are fun to be with. 1014 01:08:46,770 --> 01:08:49,500 You see the world in a way that nobody else sees the world. 1015 01:08:49,673 --> 01:08:52,369 I like the way you see the world. 1016 01:08:52,909 --> 01:08:55,275 And you're my best friend. 1017 01:08:55,612 --> 01:08:59,048 You make me happier than anyone I've ever known. 1018 01:09:07,490 --> 01:09:10,152 - Why can't we be together then? - Because of the genetics thing. 1019 01:09:10,327 --> 01:09:13,421 Little fat kids with snub noses. 1020 01:09:16,166 --> 01:09:21,433 It's a shame that being rich and famous doesn't change your genetics. 1021 01:09:22,172 --> 01:09:23,469 Because I love you. 1022 01:09:27,844 --> 01:09:31,336 Does being rich and famous change your genetic material? 1023 01:09:38,855 --> 01:09:40,288 No. 1024 01:09:40,457 --> 01:09:46,623 It doesn't. Our kids would be little fat things with snub noses. 1025 01:09:51,301 --> 01:09:53,861 MAN 1 [ON RADIO]: Thanks for that, Jim. Next up, Mark Bellison. 1026 01:09:54,037 --> 01:09:55,698 Does he deserve the money and fame... 1027 01:09:55,972 --> 01:09:58,463 ...or is he just some fat loser who hears things from the man in the sky? 1028 01:09:58,642 --> 01:09:59,666 MAN 2: I say fat loser. 1029 01:09:59,843 --> 01:10:02,471 MAN 1: It's as simple as this, Jim, just look at the guy. 1030 01:10:02,646 --> 01:10:05,308 He's fat, stupid-looking. What else do you need to know? 1031 01:10:05,482 --> 01:10:08,246 MAN 2: What about those hundreds of people camping out on his lawn? 1032 01:10:08,418 --> 01:10:11,785 - Don't those people have jobs? MAN 1: Maybe they're all fat losers like him. 1033 01:10:11,955 --> 01:10:13,616 [MEN LAUGHING ON RADIO] 1034 01:10:13,790 --> 01:10:15,519 MAN 2: Stay tuned, we got weather in five. 1035 01:10:16,793 --> 01:10:22,288 And then write, "The duck flew all the way to Alaska to meet up with his friend... 1036 01:10:22,465 --> 01:10:26,026 ...who was a polar bear who lived there. And the polar bear..." 1037 01:10:26,202 --> 01:10:28,500 - How many of these have you had? - Doesn't matter. 1038 01:10:28,672 --> 01:10:30,367 "The end." 1039 01:10:30,540 --> 01:10:32,132 That... That's a strange ending. 1040 01:10:32,309 --> 01:10:34,937 - It is, isn't it? - Want me to take this to Lecture Films? 1041 01:10:35,111 --> 01:10:36,578 - Yeah. - Okay. 1042 01:10:36,746 --> 01:10:40,443 - Tell them to film that one this week. - Okay. 1043 01:10:40,984 --> 01:10:43,043 Tell them it's for kids. 1044 01:10:43,219 --> 01:10:44,777 Kids will love that, won't they? 1045 01:10:44,955 --> 01:10:48,391 Bears and ducks in cars. 1046 01:10:48,758 --> 01:10:51,352 - What's that? - It's a birthday card for you. 1047 01:10:51,528 --> 01:10:53,723 - You want it? - Thank you. 1048 01:10:53,964 --> 01:10:56,660 I came to tell you I can't watch a movie with you tonight. 1049 01:10:56,833 --> 01:10:58,926 - Why not? - Because I have a date. 1050 01:10:59,102 --> 01:11:00,694 Who with? 1051 01:11:01,604 --> 01:11:04,198 - Brad Kessler. - Brad Kessler? 1052 01:11:04,741 --> 01:11:08,837 You know what I think of him. I think he is the world's biggest douche bag. 1053 01:11:09,012 --> 01:11:10,411 - To you. Not to me. - Yes. 1054 01:11:10,580 --> 01:11:13,208 - He's very sweet and kind to me. - Of course. Look at you! 1055 01:11:13,383 --> 01:11:15,874 - A shark would be sweet and kind to you. - It would? 1056 01:11:16,052 --> 01:11:18,520 No, it wouldn't. Do not get in with a shark. 1057 01:11:18,688 --> 01:11:21,919 It will just... I was just... But don't go out with him. 1058 01:11:22,092 --> 01:11:24,424 Why not? He's an excellent match for me. 1059 01:11:25,261 --> 01:11:27,229 - Well, don't sleep with him. - Why not? 1060 01:11:27,397 --> 01:11:29,661 - You were going to? - Lf I don't sleep with him... 1061 01:11:29,833 --> 01:11:33,428 ...he'll find another acceptable mate who would sleep with him. I'll miss out. 1062 01:11:33,603 --> 01:11:35,935 - No, he won't. No, no, no. - Yes. 1063 01:11:36,106 --> 01:11:39,303 You haven't thought this through. If I was going on a date with you... 1064 01:11:39,476 --> 01:11:43,640 - And if you were attractive, like Brad. - Yes. Well, why...? 1065 01:11:43,813 --> 01:11:48,147 But I would... I would lose respect for you... 1066 01:11:48,318 --> 01:11:51,754 ...if you slept with me on the first date. I would... Because l... 1067 01:11:51,921 --> 01:11:53,980 Just chat. Just talk to him, sure. 1068 01:11:54,157 --> 01:11:58,389 But, listen, do not, whatever... Let him know what a wonderful person you are... 1069 01:11:58,561 --> 01:12:03,055 ...just by... Verbally, not with... Because he will then go: 1070 01:12:03,233 --> 01:12:06,396 "Oh, I respect... I want to date her... I want a second date." 1071 01:12:06,569 --> 01:12:07,968 Do not... His... 1072 01:12:08,138 --> 01:12:13,337 Do not have sex with anyone unless you are married to them... 1073 01:12:13,510 --> 01:12:15,410 ...is the rule. 1074 01:12:16,413 --> 01:12:18,438 Settled. 1075 01:12:18,982 --> 01:12:20,973 - Okay. - Good. 1076 01:12:26,990 --> 01:12:28,014 What's this? 1077 01:12:28,291 --> 01:12:30,191 Birthday coupon for sex. 1078 01:12:31,928 --> 01:12:33,054 It's a... It's a... 1079 01:12:33,229 --> 01:12:38,257 It's a coupon for birthday sex. So it's sex with you because it's my birthday? 1080 01:12:38,435 --> 01:12:41,029 What do you get the man who has everything? 1081 01:12:42,038 --> 01:12:44,438 - Sorry. - Forget about it now. Sorry, I didn't know. 1082 01:12:44,607 --> 01:12:46,507 - No, no, no, stop. - We're not married. 1083 01:12:49,612 --> 01:12:51,375 Which is what you just said. 1084 01:12:51,815 --> 01:12:54,545 [IMITATING MARK] "Do not sleep with anyone unless you're married to them." 1085 01:12:55,685 --> 01:12:59,451 That's what I said. But hold on, though, what about the coupon? 1086 01:12:59,622 --> 01:13:02,147 - "The rule is..." - Yes, I know what the rule is. 1087 01:13:02,325 --> 01:13:03,792 So we can't... 1088 01:13:03,960 --> 01:13:08,659 The coupon, it's such a shame to waste it. But, I mean, you know... 1089 01:13:08,832 --> 01:13:11,824 - [IN NORMAL VOICE] It's too bad. - It... It... It... It is. It is. 1090 01:13:12,001 --> 01:13:14,970 Now I can't redeem sex. 1091 01:13:15,205 --> 01:13:17,969 So you'd like what? What am I gonna get you now? 1092 01:13:18,241 --> 01:13:20,300 Can't have sex with you. 1093 01:13:20,844 --> 01:13:22,709 You'd probably just prefer socks, right? 1094 01:13:23,513 --> 01:13:25,378 Yeah. Shitty little woolen ones... 1095 01:13:25,548 --> 01:13:27,175 ...instead of sex. BRAD: Hello? 1096 01:13:27,517 --> 01:13:28,916 Oh, he's coming. 1097 01:13:30,220 --> 01:13:31,983 Well, why have you invited him here? 1098 01:13:32,155 --> 01:13:34,089 I didn't. It was his idea. 1099 01:13:34,257 --> 01:13:36,088 I bet it was. It's my house. 1100 01:13:36,259 --> 01:13:38,056 - Anna. - You are so handsome. 1101 01:13:38,228 --> 01:13:39,786 BRAD: I know. 1102 01:13:40,396 --> 01:13:43,388 - Mark. You look like trash. - Oh, your opinion. 1103 01:13:43,566 --> 01:13:44,965 Let's go have some fun. Hey. 1104 01:13:45,135 --> 01:13:47,000 - Not too much. - What you doing with that? 1105 01:13:47,170 --> 01:13:49,365 - Well... - That is a coupon for birthday sex. 1106 01:13:49,539 --> 01:13:50,665 - With you? - Yes. 1107 01:13:50,840 --> 01:13:53,104 But he doesn't want it, because we're not married. 1108 01:13:53,276 --> 01:13:54,937 He'd rather have a pair of socks, right? 1109 01:13:55,111 --> 01:13:56,510 - Can I have it? - Oh, sure. 1110 01:13:56,679 --> 01:13:59,170 Of course we'll have to get married to use it. 1111 01:13:59,349 --> 01:14:00,941 Well, maybe we just will. 1112 01:14:02,418 --> 01:14:05,182 Well, don't... I'm not happy for that... What...? 1113 01:14:07,724 --> 01:14:09,624 I'll call you later. 1114 01:14:18,268 --> 01:14:19,997 I thought we'd celebrate tonight. 1115 01:14:20,170 --> 01:14:22,798 Today, I was handed a very impressive promotion. 1116 01:14:22,972 --> 01:14:25,702 Not only am I the head writer of the coveted 1 st century... 1117 01:14:25,875 --> 01:14:29,242 ...but today I was handed the reins to the 18th, 19th and 20th centuries. 1118 01:14:29,412 --> 01:14:31,471 - That is exciting. - It's very, very exciting. 1119 01:14:31,648 --> 01:14:33,741 No other writer's ever had that many centuries... 1120 01:14:33,917 --> 01:14:38,377 ...let alone four of the most popular ones. Mark's never had more than one century. 1121 01:14:38,855 --> 01:14:41,983 Mark has the man in the sky telling him stories no one's ever heard. 1122 01:14:42,158 --> 01:14:43,887 Yes, but does he look like this? 1123 01:14:44,661 --> 01:14:47,129 Does he have my genetics? 1124 01:14:47,297 --> 01:14:50,289 My confidence? My charisma? 1125 01:14:50,967 --> 01:14:52,764 - No. - No. 1126 01:14:53,603 --> 01:14:55,195 I'm gonna send that bottle back... 1127 01:14:55,371 --> 01:14:59,102 ...not because it's turned, but because I want to appear discerning and powerful. 1128 01:14:59,442 --> 01:15:00,466 Yes, sir. 1129 01:15:00,710 --> 01:15:02,405 Also, I think we're ready to order. 1130 01:15:02,579 --> 01:15:05,571 She'll have the caesar salad, because I don't want her to get fat. 1131 01:15:05,748 --> 01:15:10,742 And I will have the filet, rare, because it's expensive, it tastes good and I'm important. 1132 01:15:11,554 --> 01:15:13,715 - Excellent. ANNA: I understand why you want me... 1133 01:15:13,890 --> 01:15:16,450 ...to have the small caesar salad, but I am very hungry. 1134 01:15:16,626 --> 01:15:18,924 - Maybe we could add some chicken. BRAD: No, no, no. 1135 01:15:19,596 --> 01:15:22,326 We both know that one day you're going to lose your looks. 1136 01:15:22,498 --> 01:15:25,490 You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly. 1137 01:15:26,369 --> 01:15:29,702 Why throw a weight problem on top of it with delicious fatty chicken? 1138 01:15:30,240 --> 01:15:32,174 Of course not. 1139 01:15:33,643 --> 01:15:35,235 [PHONE RINGS] 1140 01:15:35,411 --> 01:15:38,380 Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom calling to check on our date. 1141 01:15:38,548 --> 01:15:40,914 She's very controlling and impatient. 1142 01:15:41,084 --> 01:15:44,383 - Let me talk to her. - Okay. 1143 01:15:47,190 --> 01:15:49,920 Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler. 1144 01:15:50,093 --> 01:15:52,084 Yes, your daughter looks beautiful. 1145 01:15:53,463 --> 01:15:55,727 No, she hasn't blown it by boring me. 1146 01:16:00,270 --> 01:16:02,261 Okay, you're annoying me now. 1147 01:16:03,072 --> 01:16:04,835 Your voice is shrill. Goodbye. 1148 01:16:05,008 --> 01:16:06,566 Sorry. 1149 01:16:10,213 --> 01:16:11,305 Thank you. 1150 01:16:21,324 --> 01:16:27,126 Mm. You know, you are a near perfect match for me, physically, genetically... 1151 01:16:27,297 --> 01:16:28,958 ...socially, economically. 1152 01:16:30,033 --> 01:16:31,057 I agree. 1153 01:16:31,234 --> 01:16:34,761 Part of me just wants to bag you because Mark loves you. I enjoy watching him fail. 1154 01:16:34,937 --> 01:16:37,235 Why do you hate Mark? He's a good friend of mine. 1155 01:16:37,407 --> 01:16:39,341 He's a loser. I'm the one who should be... 1156 01:16:39,509 --> 01:16:44,071 ...living in a mansion and talking to the man in the sky. But... 1157 01:16:44,247 --> 01:16:46,909 ...I can have the one thing that he can't. 1158 01:16:47,450 --> 01:16:48,815 - You. - Ah. 1159 01:16:48,985 --> 01:16:50,748 Because you're sensible. 1160 01:16:50,920 --> 01:16:52,945 You wanna marry a strong genetic match... 1161 01:16:53,122 --> 01:16:56,285 ...and maybe one day have children that aren't... 1162 01:16:56,626 --> 01:16:59,094 Little fat kids with snub noses. 1163 01:17:00,029 --> 01:17:01,053 Exactly. 1164 01:17:01,964 --> 01:17:04,057 Exactly. Yeah. 1165 01:17:19,682 --> 01:17:22,515 The man in the sky, in his infinite wisdom... 1166 01:17:22,685 --> 01:17:28,317 ...has told us that we can do two bad things and still get into our mansion. 1167 01:17:28,491 --> 01:17:32,291 I won't move into your mansion with you when we die. You're already smothering me. 1168 01:17:32,462 --> 01:17:35,761 The more you push me away, the more attracted I am to you. 1169 01:17:35,932 --> 01:17:38,025 Out of the way, fatty! 1170 01:17:38,201 --> 01:17:41,659 - Hey, you're Mark Bellison. - Yeah. You gonna apologize? 1171 01:17:41,838 --> 01:17:43,863 For what? 1172 01:18:00,790 --> 01:18:02,917 - Who wants another drink? - Yeah, please. 1173 01:18:03,092 --> 01:18:04,719 I'll take one. 1174 01:18:06,329 --> 01:18:07,819 Thanks. 1175 01:18:08,898 --> 01:18:10,490 What's going on? 1176 01:18:10,666 --> 01:18:14,864 What? What, I can't be depressed because I've got a big house and loads of money? 1177 01:18:15,571 --> 01:18:19,337 What about you guys? Are you happier, at least? Since the man in the sky? 1178 01:18:19,509 --> 01:18:21,704 - Yeah, definitely. - Very happy. 1179 01:18:21,911 --> 01:18:24,675 Are you still lonely? Have you found someone yet? Are you...? 1180 01:18:24,847 --> 01:18:27,213 - No, I kind of gave up on that. - Why? 1181 01:18:27,383 --> 01:18:32,650 Well, because I was thinking that if I get eternal happiness when I die... 1182 01:18:32,822 --> 01:18:35,848 ...that'll be really great because it's eternal. 1183 01:18:36,025 --> 01:18:38,084 You know, so you can't really beat that. 1184 01:18:38,261 --> 01:18:40,354 So I'm just really happy that's gonna happen. 1185 01:18:40,530 --> 01:18:43,590 So until then, I think I'm just gonna stick with the alcohol... 1186 01:18:43,766 --> 01:18:46,963 ...and my little apartment and just kind of hang out by myself... 1187 01:18:47,136 --> 01:18:51,266 ...and drink and watch TV. - That doesn't sound like a happy life. 1188 01:18:51,441 --> 01:18:55,275 - That sounds like a long, miserable one. - Well, no, it won't be that long... 1189 01:18:55,445 --> 01:18:57,777 ...because the more I drink, the faster I'll die... 1190 01:18:57,947 --> 01:19:01,849 ...and I'm just waiting for that mansion. - That's what I'm talking about. 1191 01:19:03,152 --> 01:19:04,847 Brilliant. 1192 01:19:07,256 --> 01:19:10,089 - You call him on the phone, on a telephone? - No, no. I just... 1193 01:19:10,259 --> 01:19:11,658 He's speaking to me now. 1194 01:19:11,828 --> 01:19:13,591 - Is he saying something? - He is, yeah. 1195 01:19:13,763 --> 01:19:15,424 Would you tell us what he's saying? 1196 01:19:15,598 --> 01:19:19,830 He's saying, "Why are you speaking to that idiot?" I'm saying, "I'll give him a chance..." 1197 01:19:20,002 --> 01:19:21,993 Got to be something better on TV than this. 1198 01:19:22,171 --> 01:19:24,435 Wait, don't change it. That's my very good friend. 1199 01:19:24,607 --> 01:19:27,735 Oh, please. I know all your friends and they're nothing like that. 1200 01:19:27,910 --> 01:19:29,878 - What's that supposed to mean? - It means... 1201 01:19:30,046 --> 01:19:32,480 ...just because he's talking to the man in the sky... 1202 01:19:32,648 --> 01:19:35,242 ...doesn't make him good enough to be your friend. 1203 01:19:37,520 --> 01:19:40,011 What if I wanted him to be more than just my friend? 1204 01:19:40,189 --> 01:19:41,781 Man in the sky forbid. 1205 01:19:42,358 --> 01:19:43,655 It would make no sense. 1206 01:19:43,826 --> 01:19:46,818 Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky chose to speak through... 1207 01:19:46,996 --> 01:19:50,432 ...but that doesn't change that he's still a loser and your kids would be too. 1208 01:19:50,600 --> 01:19:53,194 - He is more than just that. - There's nothing more. 1209 01:19:53,369 --> 01:19:56,031 Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be. 1210 01:19:56,205 --> 01:19:58,196 He is... 1211 01:19:58,841 --> 01:20:03,175 He's smart, he's funny and he's kind, and he is loving. 1212 01:20:03,346 --> 01:20:08,079 And he makes me feel special. He makes me happy. 1213 01:20:08,251 --> 01:20:11,482 You are going to be with the person who's right for you... 1214 01:20:11,654 --> 01:20:14,452 ...the person who'll give you the kids you've always wanted. 1215 01:20:14,624 --> 01:20:16,455 Someone like Brad Kessler. 1216 01:20:17,426 --> 01:20:19,792 Hello, Brad. One moment. 1217 01:20:21,163 --> 01:20:24,257 - Speak to him. Don't blow this. - Mom. 1218 01:20:28,838 --> 01:20:30,396 Hello. 1219 01:20:33,876 --> 01:20:35,571 Hi, Brad. 1220 01:20:45,154 --> 01:20:46,985 MARK: I miss you, Mum. 1221 01:20:48,791 --> 01:20:50,315 I know you can't hear me. 1222 01:20:51,694 --> 01:20:55,824 I know you're not up there in a mansion. 1223 01:20:56,132 --> 01:20:59,863 You're right here in the ground. 1224 01:21:00,102 --> 01:21:02,502 And I'm the only person in the world who knows that. 1225 01:21:05,174 --> 01:21:06,766 And I'm not happy. 1226 01:21:06,943 --> 01:21:08,934 I did all this, but... 1227 01:21:09,879 --> 01:21:12,507 ...I'm not happy because... 1228 01:21:13,649 --> 01:21:16,675 ...no one listens to what they really want. 1229 01:21:19,589 --> 01:21:22,057 That's why I'll always be a loser. 1230 01:21:23,626 --> 01:21:26,220 That's why I'll always be alone. 1231 01:21:54,123 --> 01:21:56,785 [DOORBELL RINGS] 1232 01:22:24,487 --> 01:22:26,284 Mark. 1233 01:22:27,323 --> 01:22:29,018 You look awful. 1234 01:22:31,961 --> 01:22:33,292 Can I come in? 1235 01:22:34,664 --> 01:22:36,791 - Haven't seen you much lately. - Yeah, I know. 1236 01:22:37,833 --> 01:22:41,360 I've been busy with work and things and... 1237 01:22:42,171 --> 01:22:45,402 Also, I tried calling you and you never answer your phone. 1238 01:22:49,111 --> 01:22:51,511 - Did you know I was getting married? - Yeah, I heard. 1239 01:22:51,681 --> 01:22:55,947 That's why I came over here, actually. 1240 01:22:56,118 --> 01:22:58,916 I wanted to give you this invitation. 1241 01:23:05,127 --> 01:23:06,253 Don't do it. 1242 01:23:06,929 --> 01:23:08,590 The wedding is tomorrow. 1243 01:23:08,764 --> 01:23:11,164 Please, don't marry him. 1244 01:23:14,370 --> 01:23:15,496 I hope you'll come. 1245 01:23:16,105 --> 01:23:17,697 Why? 1246 01:23:20,176 --> 01:23:22,872 Because it would make me happy. 1247 01:23:24,480 --> 01:23:27,643 - Being around you makes me happy. - Then why are you marrying him? 1248 01:23:27,817 --> 01:23:31,651 I only have a certain amount of time that I can find my ideal genetic partner... 1249 01:23:31,821 --> 01:23:34,483 ...have the children that I've always wanted. 1250 01:23:35,291 --> 01:23:36,553 You know that. 1251 01:23:40,296 --> 01:23:42,526 One day, Mark... 1252 01:23:42,898 --> 01:23:47,358 ...I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly. 1253 01:23:47,536 --> 01:23:50,596 No, you won't. Not to me. 1254 01:23:55,277 --> 01:23:57,245 You'll never be ugly. 1255 01:23:59,415 --> 01:24:01,474 You're confusing me. 1256 01:24:09,291 --> 01:24:10,883 Please take this. 1257 01:24:11,660 --> 01:24:12,684 Have a nice life. 1258 01:24:46,729 --> 01:24:48,720 BO Y: Enjoying your ice cream, you fat loser? 1259 01:24:52,668 --> 01:24:54,295 Stop that! 1260 01:24:57,006 --> 01:25:00,066 It's okay. Forget about them. 1261 01:25:02,611 --> 01:25:04,010 What's your name? 1262 01:25:04,180 --> 01:25:05,670 Short Fat Brian. 1263 01:25:07,616 --> 01:25:10,050 Well, Brian... 1264 01:25:13,823 --> 01:25:17,589 ...you are so much more than just short and fat. 1265 01:25:21,997 --> 01:25:25,933 See? You're Brian With the Great Smile. 1266 01:25:26,535 --> 01:25:28,400 Thanks. 1267 01:25:34,510 --> 01:25:37,445 [BANGING] 1268 01:25:37,613 --> 01:25:39,672 GREG: Ow. 1269 01:25:43,285 --> 01:25:46,186 - Greg! GREG: Sorry. 1270 01:25:46,355 --> 01:25:48,687 Keep the noise down. 1271 01:25:49,491 --> 01:25:52,153 Fat ginger. 1272 01:25:53,896 --> 01:25:55,796 Shut up! 1273 01:26:33,936 --> 01:26:35,767 You haven't lost yet, man. 1274 01:26:44,914 --> 01:26:47,906 [BELLS TOLLING] 1275 01:27:07,169 --> 01:27:10,536 [ORGAN PLAYING] 1276 01:27:46,275 --> 01:27:47,867 Loser. 1277 01:27:49,812 --> 01:27:51,040 MAN: We are here today... 1278 01:27:51,513 --> 01:27:56,246 ...sitting in this building, to share in the wedding of Brad and Anna... 1279 01:27:56,418 --> 01:27:58,283 ...two attractive young people... 1280 01:27:58,454 --> 01:28:02,618 ...who have come to the conclusion that this wedding will be mutually beneficial. 1281 01:28:03,158 --> 01:28:07,720 That their genetic matchup will be most likely to produce favorable offspring... 1282 01:28:07,997 --> 01:28:13,697 ...and a lifetime of financial stability and physical security. 1283 01:28:14,303 --> 01:28:19,036 Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna for as long as you want to... 1284 01:28:19,208 --> 01:28:21,870 ...and to protect your offspring for as long as you can? 1285 01:28:22,044 --> 01:28:23,409 I do. 1286 01:28:23,812 --> 01:28:26,280 And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad... 1287 01:28:26,448 --> 01:28:31,476 ...for as long as you want to and to protect your offspring for as long as you can? 1288 01:28:38,460 --> 01:28:40,087 I do. 1289 01:28:40,396 --> 01:28:43,661 MAN: Before I pronounce these two man and wife... 1290 01:28:43,832 --> 01:28:45,891 ...is there anyone here in this building... 1291 01:28:46,068 --> 01:28:49,265 ...who believes they offer a better genetic matchup to either party? 1292 01:28:55,811 --> 01:28:56,835 Me. 1293 01:28:59,314 --> 01:29:00,645 Oh, come on, Mark. 1294 01:29:00,816 --> 01:29:04,582 I mean, look at you. How can you possibly be better than me? 1295 01:29:05,254 --> 01:29:06,812 Because she's happy with me. 1296 01:29:06,989 --> 01:29:10,481 If she were happy with you, what is she doing standing up here with me? 1297 01:29:10,659 --> 01:29:13,594 She thinks her kids deserve the best possible start in life. 1298 01:29:13,996 --> 01:29:15,224 And she's right. 1299 01:29:15,397 --> 01:29:17,922 Yeah. And do you know what that makes you? 1300 01:29:18,267 --> 01:29:19,632 You're a sperm donor. 1301 01:29:22,638 --> 01:29:23,969 She's my best friend. 1302 01:29:25,574 --> 01:29:29,032 - I thought I was your best friend. - Not now. Let's... 1303 01:29:31,547 --> 01:29:33,014 And I love her. 1304 01:29:34,249 --> 01:29:35,876 Don't do this. 1305 01:29:36,118 --> 01:29:37,813 Don't do it. 1306 01:29:38,887 --> 01:29:40,582 Is this what you really want? 1307 01:29:41,557 --> 01:29:43,047 It's the way of the world, Mark. 1308 01:29:43,225 --> 01:29:45,489 Why? Why does it have to be? 1309 01:29:46,462 --> 01:29:48,396 Who says your kids will be better than mine? 1310 01:29:48,564 --> 01:29:53,001 Who says that a strong jaw line or a fast metabolism or a muscular physique... 1311 01:29:53,168 --> 01:29:55,568 - He's also taller. - No, I know, but I'm just... 1312 01:29:56,138 --> 01:29:57,435 Just... 1313 01:29:57,639 --> 01:29:59,004 Please, man. 1314 01:30:00,509 --> 01:30:03,706 Who says those traits will make your kids better than mine or happier? 1315 01:30:03,879 --> 01:30:07,645 I'll love our children. And who says you'll make a better husband just because... 1316 01:30:07,816 --> 01:30:12,810 ...you come from a more privileged family or a better genetic line? 1317 01:30:13,956 --> 01:30:18,052 She's a prize on your arm and your kids will be too. 1318 01:30:19,061 --> 01:30:20,289 Anna. 1319 01:30:21,797 --> 01:30:25,961 If you tell me this is what you really want, I'll go. 1320 01:30:28,537 --> 01:30:31,563 - Is this what you really want? - It's not up to us to decide... 1321 01:30:31,740 --> 01:30:35,267 ...what we get. That's up to the man in... - I'm talking to her. 1322 01:30:37,112 --> 01:30:40,104 BRAD: Why don't you just ask the man in the sky what he wants for Anna? 1323 01:30:40,282 --> 01:30:43,115 - Surely he knows best. - She knows what's best. 1324 01:30:43,285 --> 01:30:45,583 Just tell her what the man in the sky wants, Mark. 1325 01:30:45,787 --> 01:30:49,245 Why don't you tell me what the man in the sky wants for us, Mark? 1326 01:30:49,424 --> 01:30:51,688 Just please tell me. 1327 01:30:54,129 --> 01:30:55,721 No. 1328 01:31:11,146 --> 01:31:13,614 Are we married yet? Because I have plans later. 1329 01:31:13,782 --> 01:31:14,976 MAN: There's a few... 1330 01:31:21,623 --> 01:31:24,285 [MUTED DIALOGUE] 1331 01:31:40,542 --> 01:31:42,908 ANNA: Mark, wait! 1332 01:31:44,046 --> 01:31:47,482 Why don't you just tell me what the man in the sky wants? 1333 01:31:49,117 --> 01:31:51,108 - I did a bad thing. - It's okay. 1334 01:31:51,286 --> 01:31:54,813 - You're allowed three. - No, you don't understand. 1335 01:31:56,558 --> 01:31:58,355 There is no man in the sky. 1336 01:32:02,931 --> 01:32:04,592 Why did you say there was? 1337 01:32:07,703 --> 01:32:11,366 I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face when she was dying. 1338 01:32:11,540 --> 01:32:15,704 And things just escalated. 1339 01:32:17,012 --> 01:32:19,708 But how did you say something that wasn't? 1340 01:32:20,115 --> 01:32:23,607 I don't know, I just did. I just can. 1341 01:32:23,785 --> 01:32:27,221 But when I asked you if being rich and successful and famous... 1342 01:32:27,389 --> 01:32:31,155 ...changed your genetics, why didn't you just say yes? 1343 01:32:33,028 --> 01:32:35,053 Because it wouldn't count. 1344 01:32:38,000 --> 01:32:39,524 Mark. 1345 01:32:42,070 --> 01:32:43,537 I know what I want. 1346 01:32:47,943 --> 01:32:50,878 I want little fat kids with snub noses. 1347 01:32:58,220 --> 01:33:00,017 I'm your man. 1348 01:33:13,235 --> 01:33:16,102 MARK: So that's it. I got the girl. 1349 01:33:16,271 --> 01:33:19,399 Anna and I are very happy together, by the way. 1350 01:33:19,574 --> 01:33:23,169 She still doesn't fully understand how I said or did all those things. 1351 01:33:23,345 --> 01:33:27,179 No one does. I'm still the only person who can tell a lie. 1352 01:33:27,349 --> 01:33:30,716 Actually, that's not entirely true. 1353 01:33:33,422 --> 01:33:35,219 What do you think? 1354 01:33:36,725 --> 01:33:38,750 That looks good. 1355 01:33:41,296 --> 01:33:42,627 It tastes so good, Mommy. 1356 01:33:43,699 --> 01:33:44,961 Your best yet. 1357 01:33:45,133 --> 01:33:47,499 I'm so glad you like it. 1358 01:33:53,342 --> 01:33:56,038 I don't know where to start. 1359 01:33:56,211 --> 01:34:00,739 Start on the bread maybe, then work my way up there. 1360 01:34:00,916 --> 01:34:05,853 Are you eating? You liked it so much. Why don't you eat some more. 1361 01:34:07,322 --> 01:34:08,346 He loves it. 1362 01:39:26,008 --> 01:39:27,429 {{{ the end }}}